#just trying to optimize my life and vacation

[ultimateaclrecovery]

Because making decisions is hard.

So I am looking to book flights to portugal. I’ll be doing a riding trip second half of the trip and just exploring portugal beforehand. My friend is joining for the riding and exploring Lisbon, but I’m going to go earlier and do Porto by myself. She is currently looking to arrive in Lisbon on the mid morning of November 6.

I am looking to leave on Nov 3 (flights cheaper on Sunday than earlier in the weekend) but I can’t decide if I want to fly into Lisbon or Porto.

I have three main flights that I am considering all for about the same price.

Leaving at 11am on Sunday, ~4:45 layover in Toronto, arrive Lisbon 9:20am on Monday.And then take a 3.5 hour bus to Porto.

Leave at 4 (or 6)pm, 4.5 hour layover in France (or two hours but maybe seems tight), land in Porto at 3:45pm on Monday

Leave at 4:30pm, have a 45min layover in Munich (!!!! Is this even possible? A terrible idea?) and then arrive at 12:50pm on Monday.

And then a fourth bonus, on a different airline than my friend would use (so different flight back), and less used by me so not as good for points or whatever.

Leave Saturday at 6pm and land in Lisbon at 3pm on Sunday. (With a 2.5 layover in London). For about 50 more.

I’d love to just land at 1pm in Porto on Monday but not sure if the extra two hours is worth the stress of the tight layover. I think I’d get to Porto sooner than almost 4 with landing in Lisbon and taking the bus, but again it’s a fair bit of hassle. Bus rides can be nice when you can look at the window and whatnot but I’ll also have to go back the same way so seems silly if I can just go to Porto directly for the same price. I’d love go a day or two earlier but the flights are either 200+ more expensive and or involve multiple stops.

And then for all of them I must decide whether to go with basic economy or pay the 200 extra for full economy. I don’t need a checked back there (could get one on the way back for 75 if I got too many souvenirs), could pay for seat selection if I really wanted to. But I’m nervous about the limited ability to change or modify the flight. The three United flight all let you do it for a few, but the fourth flight just says no changes 😬 but also 200 bucks.

So which flight?

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over

[30somethingautisticteacher]

Hope for Christmas

Spill it, Buck," Maddie said.

"Well, you know how I've always kind of been a go big or go home guy?" Buck asked.

"Yes, I have met you," Maddie said dryly.

"Well, I kind of bought Tommy's Christmas present before the breakup, and it's non-refundable, so I was thinking I could gift it to you and Chim."

"What's the gift?" Maddie asked, curiosity piqued.

"Uh, an all-inclusive vacation to Cabo..." Buck's voice trailed off, waiting for her reaction.

"Buck," Maddie said, her voice softening.

Buck took a deep breath. "It was going to be perfect. I'd planned everything - private villa, sunset dinners, couples' massage. I talked to his captain and arranged his schedule. I wanted it to be this big, romantic gesture that showed Tommy how serious I was about us."

"Call him," Maddie said.

"What?" Buck said, confusion evident in his tone.

"Call him," Maddie repeated, simple and direct.

"Mads. I can't do that. We broke up. He dumped me," Buck said, his voice heavy with hurt.

"So? It was meant to be a gift, right? You don't have to do all the romantic stuff, but you still like each other, right?" Maddie said, her tone practical and hopeful.

"No, Maddie," Buck said quietly. "I don't just like him. I love him. I am in love with him."

Maddie's expression softened. "So call him. Not to get back together. Just...as friends. As people who care about each other."

Buck hesitated, his fingers already unconsciously tracing the outline of his phone in his pocket. "What would I even say?"

"Hey, I bought this trip before we broke up. Want a free vacation?" Maddie suggested with a hint of a smile.

"That's your brilliant plan?" Buck raised an eyebrow.

"Sometimes the simplest approach works best," she said. "You're overthinking it. Just reach out."

Buck took a deep breath. His hand shook slightly as he picked up the phone.

"It's ringing," Buck whispered, his voice barely audible. Maddie gave him a thumbs up and silently slipped away.

"Go for Kinard," Tommy answered, his tone professional and guarded.

"Hey...hey...uh, Tommy. It's Evan Buckley," Buck stammered, each word feeling like it was being pulled from him.

Tommy tried to laugh, but it was unnatural sounding, his discomfort apparent even over the phone."Well hello, Evan Buckley. This is a surprise. What can I do for you?"

"Well uh..." Buck took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. "It's Christmas and I got you a gift before we broke up. And I want to give it to you but it's complicated."

"Complicated how?" Tommy asked curiously.

"Well...I kind of got you a trip to Cabo...with me...and well it's non-refundable and I know you have the time off because I kind of arranged it with your captain back in November before well...you know. So the trip is yours if you want it. You can take anyone you want-" Buck rambled, the words tumbling out in a nervous rush.

"Buck, wow, that's so thoughtful," Tommy said, genuine surprise softening his previously guarded tone.

"Yeah well...you deserve it," Buck said softly.

"Come with me?" Tommy asked.

"Are you sure? That could be weird," Buck responded, uncertainty threading through his words.

"I still want you in my life, Buck," Tommy said.

"On one condition..." Buck said, a hint of playfulness emerging.

"What's that?" Tommy asked.

"Never call me Buck again," he replied, a hint of a laugh threading through words that were undeniably serious.

"I promise, Evan," Tommy said, his voice sincere.

"Well, I guess we're going on vacation," Buck replied, the words full of nervous energy catching in his throat.

"Yeah, I guess we are," Tommy said, his tone a vulnerable mix of cautious optimism and uncertainty.

[szollibisz]

I'm a big mush and I forgot to send you something for the ask game, so for Curt and Owen:

-33- redeeming qualities

I see my elusive lover spirit is being called upon after all my haterism towards these two <3

I wanna preface by saying that a lot of their generally positive/neutral qualities unfortunately become twisted into bad qualities due to the times they were living in and the lifestyle they led, but I'm still going to mention said traits as good. And also that most of this pertains to pre fall, since it really brought out the worst in them, and minimised many of these otherwise good qualities.

Curt:

- His optimism. It's mentioned multiple times by other characters in the show, but he truly is a very hopeful person, who wants to do good in the world. I feel like his aggressive optimism might've saved him and Owen a few times. Since Owen is very logical, he may get lost in trying to figure out how to get out of a tricky situation, and may even become overcome with a sense of dread after not finding a good solution, but Curt has this almost naive hope, a sense of being untouchable when together with Owen, so he may make impulsive choices that may not seem logical at first, but end up saving them in the end, or generally help Owen relax until he can properly figure out his plans.

- Being caring and affectionate. It's clear throughout the show that the people he loves, he loves very much and that when he's not in his post-fall depression spiral he's quite personable. He initiates the hug after him and Tatiana agree to be friends, and while she's hesitant he doesn't seem awkward about it at all, which to me comes across as both a. He's used to being like this with people, close, friendly etc and b. He really needed a hug which you know. He does. But yeah, overall when he's not trying to hide behind his macho spy persona too much, his kindness shows through. (Chronic case of kind but not nice most of the time)

- Spontaneity/thinking on the spot. I explained most of this in the optimism paragraph, but yeah, to elaborate that's not just about missions, but the way he generally lives his life. While it does mean he's kinda unreliable, it also means he's always ready to do things and enthusiastic about everything. He's the kind of guy that plans a week long vacation from scratch in like an hour, and even if there are many faults in the plan he will still find a way to make it enjoyable. Also ties in to being sociable and constantly set on having a good time.

- Helpful. I think much of his youth was about helping people, and making up for the things he did wrong/lacked in. He genuinely wants people to be happy, he's just at odds with himself which constantly ends up causing trouble. He gets bad grades, he gets in fights etc etc. He tries to fix it all by being a helpful member of his community. Imo it's not just his hero complex and McCarthyism that fuels his need to be a spy and make a difference, it's a genuine hope for a better world and wanting better things for people.

Owen:

- Logical. Pretty self explanatory, we see it a lot in a1p1, but it's also part of his entire world view. He overanalyzes every feeling and every thought he has and he has a very specific idea of how things work now and how things should work ideally. His logic gives him the capacity to change these ideals, albeit not easily. He's still less susceptible to propaganda than Curt, purely on account of the constant self checking. I think he's the kind of guy that wants to hear multiple perspectives before making a decision, especially since he himself is in a marginalized community, and knows how the most popular opinion on something is not necessarily the "right one"

- Devoted. Whether to ideals or a person this man is all in. Since he is so logical, he often justifies his (very intense) feelings with facts and is more firm in his beliefs than a lot of people are, shaken out of them very rarely. This is especially true with Curt, who he can't stop loving even after the fall. He'd do basically anything for him, or the other ideals he has. So all I'm saying is, if there is only one loyal man in the world it is Owen.

- Detail oriented/persistent. He's very good at focusing on the little things, which is why he's such a good spy and actor. He knows how to pick very specific character quirks to get people talking or pay attention to the small mannerisms of his targets to catch them in lies and whatnot. He's also very organized because of this, having specific methods for everything, from packing his clothes to torturing information out of someone. It's also useful in his relationships, it makes him seem sort of insane and obsessive (he is) but he remembers every innocuous detail about Curt, and he cares for him according to those. Often Curt won't even say things, Owen will just pick up on the and remember for later, like watching how much sugar Curt puts in his coffee and making it the exact same way for him next time.

- Adaptability. He could survive anywhere anytime, because honestly, even though he's a mess post fall I still think he managed better than 99% of people would. Just cause he doesn't win the idgaf war doesn't mean it isn't crazy he survived and managed to carve some semblance of a life out for himself. Even before the fall he had to survive ww2 era London, spying, A Situationship and so on. He can stay mostly composed and rational in most situations, until he figures out what to do, and if not he has Curt to rely on for moral support.

There are more for both of them but I want to keep this. Well not short and sweet it's already not short but yeah.

[buckets-and-trees]

Exactly Like You

Not a fic, but an IMAGINE? It's borderline a fic.

Characters/Pairings: Nick Fowler x female!Reader Word Count: 1k  Summary: This trip was for YOU.

Content Warnings: non-descriptive brief smut, stockholm syndrome

Additional Notes: This is what happened when I got carried away playing the Once Upon a Spooky Time sleepover game for the Bucks & Noble Book Club launch week... This is not my typical writing style, but this is actually how a lot of my plot notes go for when I do write fic. The game was to imagine yourself in a spooky film or tv show. Not edited. SCENE SETTING: Imagine this is a film. We're going to go single film, psychological thriller, director TBD, but let's make it an A24 flick. Michael Giacchino is scoring the soundtrack, because he's masterful creating exactly the vibes with the music to create the optimal viewing experience (from big to tiny background) AND shows up with clever track names.

You are a very competent, normal, hard-working, single millennial female who has focused on building up a good career finally gets a nice career-worthy promotion. It's nothing crazy, but it's noteworthy. Now that you have worked a few months on the position, with a bit of that salary increase that came with it, you decide to and are encouraged/supported in taking a three-week vacation during the brief slow time for just a beat before the company's busy season starts to build up again. You always wanted to write, and so you’re going to a cabin in the forest - close enough to some civilization but far enough that she can be secluded and revel in being alone, about a 30-minute drive from a tiny town, any other cabins aren't close together, etc. It’s a few hours from where you live. Aside from liking the location and the look of the place when you were scoping it out online, the thing that sealed the deal on THIS cabin over the others you were looking at? This extended stay Airbnb is a listing that can be booked automatically and SELF-CHECK IN so you don’t have to awkwardly meet up with the host/owner at any point. You *can* be outgoing, you have good family and friends, but you also like your alone time, and so when you also tell everyone you’re going to go and disconnect from everyone and not to expect to hear from you, they don't bat an eyelash too much. It’s not your first solo trip, just the first extended one.

You show up, the area is gorgeous, and the cabin is not ostentatious by any means, but it's a little bit bigger and a little bit better than you were expecting, and it feels a little too perfect and you jokingly text some people back home that this place has settled it, you’re officially going to embrace the semi-hermit author life living in a cabin in the woods, and you’re never coming back ha ha wink wink.

First days are so nice. You do a bit of writing, surf a bit of internet, watch some movies and shows that have been on your list, do some reeding, really just unwind with no obligations for the first time in a long time. Internet goes out, you message the owner through the Airbnb app on your phone, and the owner says he's on a work trip, but will either try to get someone out to fix it or come by when he's back in town and fix it himself in a couple of days. He apologizes for it being an inconvenience, you reassure him it's fine because you wanted to be disconnected from normal life in general any way, no big deal for a couple days sans wifi.

No one from the company could get out to fix the wifi, so he shows up himself two days later. He's also shown up with some lunch as a peace offering - but no pressure, he'll just leave the food if she doesn't want to have lunch with him, and he'll definitely fix the internet first. He's far too attractive and very down to earth but just a little too charming, and you’re a bit disarmed and thinking this is way too romance-novel perfect, and that even having that thought is silly, but you’ve just been reveling in books/movies/tv/your own writing so you just tells your brain to calm down.  He goes about "fixing" things. Wifi's not working on your laptop still, so he asks to see it to "fix" it. You are checking and see it’s not working on your phone yet, either. He asks you to hand it over, and you do because he clearly seems to be competent and know how to fix the system. He says it might take another few minutes, but shoots you a smile and apologizes again for the troubles with the wifi. And his gaze on you is so nice but so intense, and you make an excuse to go unpack the lunch instead of hover/so you can get out of there and breate for a second.

When lunch is ready, so is he. Lunch is charming and normal, feels too nice. You clean up together, you thanks him for coming by to fix the wifi, he casually says he fixed it for him, but not you, and you’re like, “Wait what?” and he explains he’s not leaving, either. And neither are you. If he’s not actually Nick Fowler, he is Seb playing another Nick Fowler character – money, well connected, government background/worked with too many criminals and turning too many assets, and so he's set up this little “trap” waiting for exactly the right person, and it’s you.

Plenty people have come and gone, he’s been watching and waiting. This is it, though. He’s picked, he’s sure of it. He’s never giving the phone or the laptop back, but he’s sure you will love this, too. There’s a typewriter for you to write, and as he’s saying all of this, he’s been closing in closer and closer to you, and he’s been charming and intoxicating this entire time, but now that he’s turned on his hunter mode, you’re quickly falling under, and he presses you up against the counter, cutting off your feeble protests and questions and excuses with the feel of him pinning you with his hips and then kissing you. He fucks you on the counter, and it’s too much to process because this isn’t what you want – except that most of it would be if you’d been able to write it your way instead of being caught in his game – and oh what he’s doing to your body feels too good. And he moves things to the couch, then to the bedroom, and keeps you fucked out and worn out all day, and over the days and weeks gets you so insanely drowned in Stockholm syndrome and the sex…

And he’s soft, but also dark, demanding, doting, dangerous… he’s all of it. TBD if you survive. If you’re a good girl for him, there’s nothing to worry about.

↠ Main Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

I do not do tag lists, but FOLLOW @buckets-and-stories and TURN ON NOTIFICATIONS to be updated any time I publish a new work!

[bloodandhedonism]

RAPID-FIRE QUICK OPINIONS OF CITIES I'VE BEEN TO IN RECENT HISTORY

Rochester, New York (and other upstate NY cities in general) : Feels generic, but perhaps not necessarily in a bad way in this case. A resident said it's rare to see and live a place where kids still play in the front yard these days, so take as you will. New York, New York: What you'd expect these days. Allentown, Pennsylvania: Lots of industrial traffic as you'd expect, but cute town and good people. I made multiple and different kinds of friends here, which I consider very good for this sort of thing. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: Homey. Don't go too far west, though or you'll run into Pennsylvanians. Remember James Carville! Baltimore, Maryland: Cutesy, gives vibes of home. Funny to see products from businesses by people I grew up with in places there. Washington, DC: It really does try to be a commercial with everyone perfectly chosen from central casting. Bad vibes, avoid, avoid. Get out if you live there. Imperial capital though, what does one expect. Norfolk, Virginia: Military city as you'd expect, and by far the most "Southern" feeling city in this list. Interesting contrast between the attempted beachiness and the dominating military stuff. St. Augustine, Florida: The best city in Florida by far, but losing its soul over the years and I'm very worried. Flagler College students will be window dressing for the upscale middle-aged tourists coming there. Tampa, Florida: Genuinely horrible. Worst city on this list, one huge slum posing as a 'regular' city. Unfriendly people. Telling every other billboard is for a lawyer promising to get you big money. Bad sign of the future. Orlando, Florida: Better than Tampa I suppose, but leaning way too hard into being Red State America's family vacation Mecca, which will lead to issues for it in the future. This city isn't for me. Denver, Colorado: People there like me, at least one person recognized my face from before, and mountains are cool. Las Vegas, Nevada: Very middlebrow, which I don't say as a compliment. Seeing middle aged people in cosplay out in public in non-convention contexts was embarrassing. Only interesting bit was seeing where Balrog's Street Fighter II stage was IRL. Reykjavik, Iceland: Neat place. Felt like the USA but cold and barren, of course. Icelandics are a unique people, and a small part of me almost wants to classify Iceland with North America than Europe since the society just feels different from regular Europe. I always thought it was worth noting the tectonic plate cleaves through the island. London, England: Honest with itself in that it's big, very big, and touristy too, which for said honesty reasons I respect it. I liked it. British people really are the Americans of Europe. I shouldn't, but I like the UK. I will visit the midlands soon, so I hope to see a fun contrast. Brussels, Belgium: Also an honest city, in this case in that it's a transnational confederal capital for a lot of places. Mons, Belgium: Lovely. Friendly and great people. Taking the train to it and seeing the scenes of rural life reminded me of the countryside I'd see back home. Paris, France: Genuinely lovely, and my favorite city of this list. More cities should be like Paris. I didn't see or deal with any of the bad stuff I heard about it. Friendly people. I need to go back here. Frankfurt, Germany: Definitely generic. Lisbon, Portugal: Touristy because it's warm and honest with itself about it in that case, which is also fine. I like warm weather so I liked Lisbon. Warsaw, Poland: Likable. Quite a nice city, and Poles are a very welcoming people. (Be proud of your country, @aomitois.) A friendliness emanated from the city which I liked. Has an optimism which I find intriguing. Budapest, Hungary: Strangely, I was reminded most of Salisbury, Maryland with this one: there was an odd familiarity driving and walking through the city. Like with Warsaw, it's legitimately trying hard, but that makes sense for Eastern Europe in this era.

I'm sure there's more cities that can go on here, probably a lot more, but this is off the top of my head and the entry is big enough as is. COMING SOON: The Middle East and East Asia! Maybe Latin America. Africa is more likely than Australia. Watch as I wind up in Antarctica for some dumb reason.

[lyledebeast]

Last year, I was threatening to write a meta series on mothers in classic Christmas movies, but other things got in the way as this is Things Getting in the Way of Plans Season. So, let's try this again.

To recap from last year, most of the mothers in my favorite Christmas movies have one important thing in common: they're dead (Prancer (1989) and the House Without a Christmas Tree (1972). When they are alive, they are often stay at home moms (Christmas Vacation (1989), A Christmas Story (1983), The Year Without a Santa Clause (1974) and probably more that are slipping my middle-aged mind). The first mother I want to talk about, though, is none of these things. Jon Favreau's Elf (2003) is a new classic that draws heavily on much older Christmas classics made by Rankin-Bass with one notable exception. Emily Hobbs (Mary Steenburgen) is a working mom who provides an example of the kind of work/life balance that alludes her husband until the end of the movie.

The first time we meet Emily, she is hearing for the first time about something Walter (James Caan) has been grappling with for two days at this point: he has a son from a previous relationship who believes he is a Christmas elf. Emily handles this news with surprising optimism and is nothing but generous and kind to Buddy. In some respects, this puts her in company with other Christmas movie moms whose main job is dealing with the fallout of their husbands' choices with as much dignity as they can manage. What makes Emily different is that it is not only her family that benefits from her accommodation of others. When Jovie sings "Santa Clause is Coming to Town," Emily is the first person to join her. Although both of these women have been drawn to Central Park in the same way--seeing people they care about on the news--there is no indication that the have met or that Emily is able to identify Jovie as Buddy's date from earlier that evening. Emily just sees a stranger in need of support and gives it to her.

There is a limit to Emily's accommodations, though, and she is as admirable for what she will not do as what she does. When Walter suggests that she stay home with Buddy, she refuses: "I have a budget meeting tomorrow." Although we never learn exactly what Emily's job is, it is taken seriously enough that Walter does not press the matter any further. She is still the person who does the most domestic labor, but when her husband takes his share of the dinner she has prepared to eat in his room, she lets her son know that is not acceptable behavior. "It's no secret that you haven't really been there for [Michael]" she tells Walter later. Unlike other Christmas moms, she does not accept that it is her job to run interference between her husband and their child. If Walter wants to repair his relationship with Michael, that is up to him.

Elf's representation of women is pretty solid considering how few of them there are in the story (I recently learned that Wanda Sykes was originally cast to play Buddy's manager at Gimbels, which no doubt would have been delightful!) I want to comment further on Jovie and Buddy's relationship, but that is a subject for a different post. It is worth pointing out that when Buddy visits the North Pole with his family at the end of the movie, he is holding his baby daughter for the entirely of the scene, showing the audience a final time the importance of balancing roles in a relationship. Although she is not one of the more dynamic central characters, Mary Steenburgen gives a portrayal of a mom who is kind, generous, and strong all at the same time. Christmas moms have come a long way since Rankin-Bass!

[brainrattlers]

Play It Cool - Tyson Jost (43/n)

Pairing: Tyson Jost x OFC (AJ)

Word Count: 2860

Warnings: A little bit of angst, but nothing bad, I promise. Probably language.

Need to start from the beginning? Here's where it all began! https://at.tumblr.com/brainrattlers/play-it-cool-tyson-jost-1n/p7no8u1hzuza

Want to catch up? Check out the Masterlist!

Author's Notes: I. Am. BACK!!! Short chapter, struggling a bit to find words, but I figured I'd get something posted, and then add some of the stuff brewing in the next few weeks than rush it all at once. It's been a wild few months, looking for a new job (I'm still employed, just looking to upgrade), but also adding a bunch of side gigs to my list of things I shouldn't be doing but here I am.

So what's going on with Tyson and AJ? Summer vacation has started, and these two have a few months to do whatever they want. Let the planning begin!

*****

While the season didn’t end quite as hoped by the Sabres, Tyson remained optimistic about things to come. His end-of-season exit interview went well, according to him, saying he wanted to be back with the team. Locker cleanout days are always a little emotional, but Tyson was in good spirits, all things considered.

AJ was trying to keep the same level of optimism, but her gut kept her guarded, knowing that a lot of what was to come was actually hinging on a few other players on the team. If Okie and Girgensons stay put, there was a good chance that there wouldn’t be a spot for Tyson. Not only that, but of course Tyson becomes a restricted free agent July 1st. And as is, Okie was signed to a single year contract. It now was falling on the fate of Girgensons.

So really, it was a game of “hurry up and wait.” AJ was starting to feel like that might just be how life was going to be from here on out with Tyson until a team realizes how much of a gem Tyson is. Granted, AJ is a little biased in her description of Tyson’s style of play and how much teams really could use a player like him…

“You know, we can go do whatever we want, right?” Tyson jostled AJ’s foot on his lap, noticing she was scrolling aimlessly on her phone. “I have some friends up in BC asking me to come out. You want to go on vacation? Grandma and Grandpa would love to see you again…”

“... really? Using Emily and Jim as bait to get me to up north? You play dirty, Tys.”

Tyson grinned, knowing AJ had a soft spot for his grandparents. She had lost hers years prior, and missed the grandparent vibe. You know the one, where you get spoiled, either with a favorite meal, or a $10 bill slid into your hand when mom wasn’t looking. It really isn’t even about the getting spoiled part either, there is something so special hearing all the stories from their past, learning bits and pieces about what made them the people they are today. It truly was something she missed with her own grandmothers since their passing. Emily and Jim definitely brought that vibe to her, and embraced her as their own grandchild.

AJ thought about it though, and Tyson could see the gears turning in her head. He waited patiently for her to say something more, because an idea was definitely brewing.

“What would you think about some summer shenanigans?” AJ squinted at Tyson, gauging his response to the vague proposition.

“What kind of shenanigans?”

To be honest, AJ was missing some of her old friends. The world can feel so small with the internet, bringing people together digitally, but it’s just not the same as in person. AJ missed seeing Jess. It’d been months since they were in the same space, meeting up back in February in St. Louis. She missed Nate. She missed some of the other friends she made in Denver during her brief time there.

“I was thinking maybe talking to Jess, and as soon as she could, maybe a couples’ trip with her and Nate? Like maybe they come up here, or we go out there, or… we meet up somewhere? I’m not sure yet. I hadn’t really asked her either, but I know she’d be down. The only hindrance at the moment is…” AJ got quiet, realizing what she was going to have to say, “Nate’s still in the playoffs.” 

AJ cringed at having to say that, considering how last season went. Thankfully, Tyson’s work on himself last summer and this year with family and a sports psychologist really helped his mental game. He nodded in understanding, and didn’t even flinch. Buffalo made a good run at the playoffs, but just came up short. It was going to whole new level for the team next season, so right now, his feelings were not hurt by the statement.

This time, it was Tyson that got a little quiet, chewing on his lip for a minute before responding.

“I’m sorry I hadn’t brought it up sooner, but a few of the guys are talking about heading down to Hilton Head, kind of an end of season guys trip,” Tyson sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, “We’d be leaving Monday.”

“It’s okay, you know I’ve got plenty going on here, besides, it’s not like my plan can happen quite yet anyway. But would you be interested, if they are?”

A smile broke out on Tyson’s face, followed by a nod. Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to AJ’s temple. 

“Yeah, that sounds like a blast. You’re the best babe!”

AJ chuckled as Tyson skipped off to the bedroom. Looking around the living room, kind of lost in thought, she grabbed her phone.

AJ: Would you and Nate be up for some shenanigans this summer?

Not even a minute had passed before AJ’s phone was vibrating in her palm.

Jess: We’re in.

***

AJ got used to Tyson being away on roadies, and she always found things she could do that she enjoyed while he was gone. Eating food that he didn’t like (or shouldn’t eat, and likely, she probably shouldn’t eat either), sprawling out in bed, listening exclusively to her music, staying up late and watching cheesy movies… stuff like that. It was nice to have AJ time. 

But truth be told, AJ missed Tyson while he was on the guys’ trip. He was checking in multiple times daily (and getting absolutely roasted for it), but it didn’t make up for the little things she was missing, like him wrapping his arms around her midsection as she’d chop vegetables for dinner, swaying to the music they had on in the kitchen. The random notes that would be written in the steam on the bathroom mirror.  The way Tyson would pull AJ in as the little spoon, mumbling incoherently as he drifted off to sleep.

Even the kinda gross things, because, let’s face it, Tyson’s a guy, AJ missed. The way Tyson would burp after chugging a protein shake. How he’d stick his stinky sock feet in AJ’s face when they were laying opposite each other on the sofa together. The occasional facial hair clippings littering the sink in the bathroom. (Although that was just more irritating than gross.)

AJ was simply missing Tyson.

After cleaning the kitchen up from breakfast, AJ headed to the hobby room, and flopped on the sofa, where one of Tyson’s hoodies was thrown on. Rolling over, she reached up over her head and grabbed it, spying which one it was. It smelled faintly of his body wash as she inhaled, sighing into it. Although not really cold, AJ put it on and fell asleep in a somewhat warm embrace of his hoodie.

The buzzing of her watch urged AJ to open her eyes as a certain someone was wanting to FaceTime.

A very groggy looking AJ appeared on Tyson’s screen.

“Hey baby girl, I didn’t wake you up, did I? Is… that my hoodie?”

AJ rubbed her eyes and looked down, and back at her phone camera with a smile.

“I suppose it is. I was napping but I really shouldn’t be if I want to get to bed at a decent hour tonight. What are you guys up to today?”

Tyson told the tales of going golfing and hanging out at the beach with the guys. All the different restaurants they stopped at. But there was something a little off about how he was acting, but AJ couldn’t put her finger on it.

Finally when he stopped talking, AJ piped up.

“You good?”

Biting his lip, Tyson put his thoughts in order before opening his mouth.

“I mean, yeah, but, no. It was weird, last night we went clubbing, and the guys were pairing off with girls they met there, and there were two that wouldn’t leave me alone and…”

AJ’s heart was pounding hard, worried about what might be said next.

“... I had to just get out of there, I took a Lyft back to the house. I… just miss you.”

The breath AJ didn’t know she was holding came out in a gasp, and Tyson caught the tear coming down her cheek. It wasn’t her intention to get emotional, but it hit her hard. And seeing AJ tearing up, made him get teary-eyed as well, but he wasn’t sure why she was to begin with.

The dam broke.

“I miss you too babe, so much,” AJ just let the words fall out of her mouth without a filter, “It just hasn’t been the same here without you. You make my world better.”

Tyson was wiping his eyes, trying to act like he wasn’t crying at all when one of the guys came by him asking if he were about ready to head out. 

A mumbled, “Yeah, uh, I’ll be just a minute, no, my allergies are acting up or something, I’m good,” was overheard, before he looked back at his phone. “Hey, we’re heading out for another course, call you tonight before bed?”

“Of course. Go kick some ass on the green! Love you.”

“Love you too, talk tonight,” Tyson blew a kiss at his phone.

AJ “caught” it and smooshed it on her lips before ending the call.

Now wide awake from that unexpected conversation, AJ sat up and started thinking about what she could do to fill some time between now and this evening when Tyson would call. There was only so much cleaning she could do around the apartment to ease her racing mind, so she grabbed her tablet and started looking at vacation spots, texting Jess along the way.

AJ: Would you guys like to come up here? I know it isn’t fancy like Denver is, but there is so much cool stuff to see and do here, really! 

Jess: Hmm… I’d be down, but I’m thinking we should get away from EVERYTHING. Mexico has been calling my name here lately, I miss it.

AJ: I’ve never been. I’m looking up some places though. Cancun looks fun, and there seemingly is a lot to do around there. Ooh, they have a big art museum nearby, that sounds good. And Chichen-Itza and Tulum aren’t terribly far either.

Jess: You’re forgetting margaritas and all the amazing food!

AJ: Yes, that too! lol

AJ could feel Jess rolling her eyes at the choices of things she wanted to see. That was the funny thing too, if Nate had heard what AJ was saying, she was pretty sure he too would be rolling his eyes in the same way. Those two really are perfect for each other.

As the afternoon and evening went on, texts were sent back and forth about potential places to stay. It was just going to be a game of figuring out WHEN, with Avs in the playoffs, and knowing Tyson, he probably already had a summer packed with things to do. AJ knew that he was planning on heading out to Edmonton, and had mentioned something about maybe working out with some trainers in Vancouver for a bit. Tyson was never one to really stop and relax somewhere for an extended amount of time, other than with his family whenever he could.

The planning texts were interrupted by a facetime with Tyson, who seemed far more chipper than he did previously.

“How was golfing? Your nose looks a little pink, shoulda worn more sunscreen,” AJ joked, knowing he always gave her shit as she was pasty white and burned within minutes in the sun.

“It was good, shot five over, not bad for a course I’d never played on. Yeah I got a bit of sun today. Thankfully we’re heading out tomorrow. You still picking me up from the airport? I get in around noon.”

AJ looked panicked, looking at her watch, then back at her phone screen, seeing Tyson’s face contort into concern. 

“You are picking me up, right? I mean, I can get a ride with one of the guys, but…”

The giggles couldn’t be contained, and fell out of AJ’s mouth. 

“Of course, goof, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I haven’t seen you in like a week,” she grinned, “Besides, I found a new burger place I want to try, figured we could swing by on the way home.”

A wave of relief washed over Tyson, knowing he was going to get to see AJ as soon as he got out of the airport. AJ then saw Tyson squint a bit, and roll his eyes after his phone buzzed. Quirking her eyebrow, he could tell she was wondering what was going on just by the subtle movement.

“The rest of the guys went back clubbing again tonight.  It’s just not as fun, not without you here. I just didn’t want a repeat of last night, it just felt… wrong. In fact, I just got called an old man for turning in early. I’m not going to feel like shit on the plane at least.” 

The two chuckled, and continued talking for a bit, until it was evident Tyson really did get a bit of extra sun and he was pretty wore out, getting sleepier with each new topic that was brought up. After a few minutes of being disgustingly cute and sending kisses to each other, they finally ended the call.

Tyson laid in bed, still feeling awkward about the previous night, despite nothing actually happening. It did occur to him just how much he and AJ complemented each other. Dancing with random women in a bar no longer was exciting. He’d rather dance in the kitchen with AJ. Taking a woman back to his hotel was the furthest thing on his mind, unless that woman was AJ. 

“Maybe I really am turning into an old man!” he thought to himself, as a smile crept up on his face as he drifted off to sleep.

AJ woke up late the next morning, relaxing in bed, completely sprawled out, for one last time before Tyson would be back. Spending an hour scrolling through Instagram, she finally got up, got a shower, and a quick breakfast before grabbing a small baggie from one of the cabinets in the kitchen and heading out the door. AJ and her black Soul hit the road, heading to the airport.  

Once the car was parked, AJ headed inside, outside of the security area. Looking around, AJ saw her target… and it wasn’t Tyson.  With a smile and a wave, she headed over to Karma, whose ears perked up when Ann waved back, asking if Karma knew who was coming.

“Hey Karma, who is a good girl? IT IS YOU!!!” AJ scratched Karma’s ears before giving her a treat from the bag. “Hey Ann, how is it going today?”

So who are Karma and Ann, you might ask? Karma is an adorable, frosty-faced Jack Russell Terrier/Beagle mix, and Ann is her owner. Together, they patrol the Buffalo Niagara International Airport as a therapy dog team. Most dogs you see in airports have patches on their harnesses saying “SERVICE DOG, DO NOT PET”... but Karma has a bandana on that says “PLEASE PET ME!” AJ met them earlier in the year during one of her trips to see Tyson on the road, and had since become friends with the human/canine duo. Ann always asked how Tyson was playing, and Karma always was up for a belly rub as the two would chat. Today, Ann was in for a treat, she’d never actually got to meet a professional athlete despite all her time at the airport. 

Finally, coming out of the secure area, Tyson spied AJ sitting on the bench petting a dog.

"AJ found the only pettable dog in the whole place, that's so her!"  Tyson thought to himself, smiling the whole way to her.

Putting his bag down, Tyson found AJ already clinging her arms around him for a tight hug.

“Hey Tys, this is Ann, and…”

Before she could even say anything else, Tyson was already leaning down petting Karma’s head.

“This must be Karma, I’ve heard so much about you already from AJ!” Tyson leaned up and shook Ann’s hand, “And you too, it’s nice to meet you!”

Ann was usually chatty as all get out, but she was in awe of the Buffalo Sabres player standing before her. Finally breaking her out of the spell, Ann finally was back to telling stories and giving advice on where to go get dinner for the night. After gabbing for a few more minutes, and a few more treats for Karma, AJ finally convinced Ann that there were probably more passengers and airport/airline staff that could use some Karma pets and kisses. Everyone parted ways, with AJ promising she’d be back soon to see them again.

Walking hand in hand to the parking lot, AJ posed a question to Tyson.

“So what would you think about going to Mexico?”

The gears were already turning in Tyson’s head.

[thirteendaysintaunton]

a love letter to fire emblem & what the series has meant to me as a whole

I'm an Awakening baby. My first experience with the series was FE13 and I went in completely blind after finding the game under the Christmas tree one year. I haven't looked back since.

I can remember starting the game the day I unwrapped it and not wanting to put it down at all when it was time to head to my family's holiday party. The form of storytelling and the world building all drew me in and I loved the gameplay, but it was ultimately the characters that made me fall for the series as a whole. The supports were so fun. To me, there was no better feeling than finishing a chapter and seeing a ton of !'s on the support menu. I still feel that way when I play all the games.

There's no one in the Awakening cast that I hate, I genuinely adored the entire roster. Like I said, I went in blind. I didn't know marriage was a thing at first, so my Robin accidentally got roped into a marriage with Chrom. The kids popping up was a genuine surprise but I loved it. I spent over 300 hours in that game trying to match the most optimal pairs to get the most over powered galeforce kids imaginable.

With that said, I also found the marriage mechanics in Awakening to be bit lacking. I was 13 and only just growing into myself. I wanted Lissa & Maribelle to kiss and Sumia & Cordelia to get together. I made a Male Robin just so I could marry the female characters.

So you can imagine how I felt when I discovered the Gay Awakening Hack by UnassumingVenusaur.

There was something so special about finding a community of people who felt just like you, were just like you, in the sense that we were a group of queer/LGBTQ+ kids all trying to make videogames a more inclusive space for people like us. That community that UV built was so impactful on me as a teenager. It took some of the loneliness away.

I was there when Fates was just releasing. I followed the fan translations to the point where I sometimes still refer to the Fates characters with their Japanese names (I mean really? Azura over Aqua? come on now). I was so excited we were going to get gay options in Fire Emblem that I picked up the game when it released, before I went on spring break and my family took a little roadtrip for a vacation.

Only to find out that they had prevented the same sex couples from having kids like everyone else.

The Gay Fates Hack came up quick in development on UV's blog. They added more options, more pairings, and fixed the kid mechanic so that all couples would have a family. Once again, there was something very validating? normalizing? about just watching the Gay Fates/Awakening hacks gain so much support.

Fast forward to college. I didn't know a lot of people in real life that were into Fire Emblem. If you subtract the first person I dated and the one measly conversation we had about it, then I hadn't met another fan in person. But one of my closest friends in college turned out to be a huge fan of the series. Neither of us had ever found another FE fan out in the wild. We stayed friends for all of college and we're still friends to this day. And we dragged a bunch of our other friends down the rabbit hole with us.

When covid hit, I found myself alone on campus when all of my friends elected to stay at home/online for classes during the semester. No one tells you this, but college is typically a very lonely time in your life. Especially when there's a pandemic.

My roommates didn't even return to campus. I had the apartment largely to myself and no friends to share it with. But something that I did have? I had just gotten Three Houses for Christmas. That same friend I mentioned earlier had been playing it for a while now and we essentially had parallel playthroughs of Crimson Flower going on at the same time. They couldn't be with me on campus but I still felt connected with my friend. We talked about the game nonstop together, sent one another tea time guides and memes about our different runs. The pandemic was horribly lonely but Fire Emblem had offered me another sense of community to hold onto.

And when my friend got really sick and started treatment, we still had Fire Emblem in common. They couldn't come back to campus at all for our last few semesters. I graduated without my best friend with me but we never stopped talking or playing Fire Emblem together. And when I didn't know what to say or how to offer my support, I knew we could just talk about our silly little strategy anime game and judge the other person's taste in silly anime women.

Fire Emblem Engage is releasing this Friday and the amount of inclusion that it's said to include will be a new phase for Fire Emblem. A definite step in the right direction that previous games had only just begun to dip their toes into. And you can trust that me and my little group of friends will be talking about it together while we play from states apart.

I'm excited to see how this series will develop and grow alongside me and what other friendships I'll be able to form because of it. And, I guess I just wanted to say thank you for the good times, both in the past and in the future.

[piercingnovember]

i’m stuck again. it’s selfish of me to feel stuck but who am i but myself. who can i understand in the ways i understand me. i wish i could kill myself. most days it doesn’t feel worth it to keep trying. the loneliness is eating me alive. its killing every joy i’ve ever felt. the anger and the depression overcome me, they overcome anything i could feel.

i’ve tried to be positive and look at life differently but every time i do, someone reminds me that i shouldn’t think happy thoughts. they tell me im stupid and young and unrealistic.

i wish i was not in a relationship with an addict. i thought about saying “in love with” but at this point im not sure. grief is so heavy and it hangs off his body but why must i throw away any pieces of optimism or joy.

today he told me to be quiet when i laughed loudly and joyfully and then got angry at me for - well - becoming silent. how am i supposed to live as a perfect person. i think what’s expected of me is being a caring machine. he wants me to be perfect in the way a mother should be (but never is). nostalgia is lying to him about what he had so he takes the anger out on me for not filling the shoes that have never actually been walked in before. it’s exhausting. i just want to be a machine.

i think it’s because i don’t care about him anymore. i just don’t. my empathy ran out years ago when he showed his cruelty time and time again and it’s been dwindling me down.

sometimes i just want to cry when i think of how he’s stolen my youthful joy. he hated it so he carved it out of me. im only me when im away from him but is that even true? maybe the hateful, unempathetic, empty person that i am with him is now the truth.

i don’t know what to do for him. how do you act when someone has stolen your kindness. how do you act when they demand you find some? fucking thief. i cannot pull kindness from nowhere because i expect machines as well. we’re alike in that way.

i hate his grief and he hates my apathy. we don’t like the complicated shit. i’m the selfish one. i know that.

tonight we fought (reasons mentioned previously about the silence following the request for silence) and as he cursed and yelled at me i said that thing you should never say to anyone. and i don’t even know if i think it’s true. i told him that he’s using his grief as an excuse to be an asshole - to tell and fight and binge drink and always say that i’m the fire starter. that’s when he told me he can’t even look at me.

we’re on vacation. which i also fully paid for as an escape for him. and we have almost an entire week left. what am i supposed to do with an empty pit in me feeling so alone. this must be a fraction of how he feels.

[alexanicholsauthor]

Extended vacations. And bitch-slapping your friends.

I’m an overly creative person, and that often gets me in trouble. 😄 Whether it be with my writing or relationships, my imagination often gets the better of me, causing all sorts of issues that ordinary people simply don’t have.

No one is safe. Not my big brother, my Baby Squirrel, my Subscribestar Adult members, or even my friends.

Because of this, I’ve learned it’s best to occasionally withdraw from everyone for a while and funnel my energy into my current writing project.

Sometimes, isolating myself like this doesn’t work, however. Especially with the people closest to me won’t let me. Even when I yell and cry at them to leave me alone because my emotions are bouncing everywhere, sometimes they just refuse to listen and assure me that they know what’s best. Like mansplaining, but with friends. Friendsplaining? Is that even a thing? Fuck it; it is now. I mean, I understand that they have the best intentions at heart, but my reaction to their attempt to pacify me is a bit startling: I want to get physically violent with them. Like, hit them. Slap them. No, bitch-slap them. Most of the time, I repress my hostility and just smile, but sometimes I slip a bit. I don’t hit them or anything (well, my big brother doesn’t count), but I do yell.

And it doesn’t matter where I am. Believe me, I’m not bragging about it. I’m actively working on it.

If you’ve ever argued with me, you know I can cut deep when I’m upset. I hurt you. Again, it’s not something I’m proud of, and I’m trying hard to change this about myself, but it’s a long, hard battle to fight. I think one of these days I need to go to one of those rage rooms I occasionally see on TV, where you can just walk in and destroy shit. Every time I see someone in one of those rooms, I start salivating because they look like so much fun! My inner loli bloodlust kicks in, and I find myself reacting to each yell or breaking of something.

If I could just figure out some sort of middle ground or substitute…

I have no idea why I’m the way I am, but at this stage of my life, it wouldn’t matter if I knew why. It’s just who I am. It’s hardwired into me. So, since changing it seems to be out of the question, I need to find a way to cope with it in a non-destructive manner. Holding it in doesn’t work, and lashing out at the people I love (whether they understand or not) isn’t optimal either.

So, if anyone has an idea, let me know…

[sasquatchboobs]

I think I always held out hope that he would grow up, find his passion or drive, or at least have goals of some sort. He seemed to when we met, at least.

I asked him about his future plans the other day, and he said "I have none. I used to have savings goals but that has never worked out," and I'm angry and sad at the same time. I'm angry because he promised me we would build a life together. I thought that meant growing together, accomplishing things we talked about in the early days. I feel like he's giving up on that.

I'm sad because we don't really dream out loud anymore about the future. Our future. It seems he's lost hope that there is anything more than this. Dirty apartment, always high, always tired, work sucks, let's watch a show and fall asleep on the couch. He brushes off my annoyances with the neighbors because he's resigned to never having a home.

Maybe he's depressed. He wouldn't respond to that last time I brought it up. He said he does not plan to get help for his porn addiction/cheating desires. He "already knows what they're going to say" cause he's such the expert on everything in his mind, there is nothing anyone else could help him with. That's why he doesn't share his feelings I think-- he doesn't think I can help nor does he expect me too.

Maybe that's why he seeks other women; he thinks his sexual frustration and insecurity are his problem, so he deals with them alone, "sparing me" (his words) from his actions. He doesn't believe he deserves my love so he doesn't even think to reach out for help, rather than hurt me; he's already accepted that he is a terrible person so why not prove that? Almost like he wants me to leave him just to prove him right, that he was never good enough for me. Is he going to try and sabotage this every time he feels insecure?

Does it even matter what he's done in the past, when what I have to consider now is whether he is the person I want to hitch my future to? I don't mean that the cheating doesn't matter, I mean that even if he hadn't betrayed me, would I still want to be with him?

I don't think so. I think my life could be so much more if his passive pessimism wasn't weighing me down all the time. I think I'd rather be alone to have the space to grow authentically into whoever I become. Because I feel like I have so much personal growth I'm finally ready for, and he doesn't want to change anything.

E.g. he says he wants to go to the gym, has been saying that for a loooooong time. Doesn't though. Says he needs to cut back on sugar or he'll die young of diabetes. Still makes sure to have at least a soda per day plus always stocked on candy. Says he needs to eat better, doesn't want to do my healthy meals and would rather get take out.

He has lots of "thoughts" but very few "ideas". I want to make the world better. I want to make lives better. I want to improve the environment. He... has no real ambitions like that. He did want to help people, before he became an EMT. I don't think he sees himself as having agency in the world because he never considers that he could change his circumstances.

At first I envied his "zen". But I realized he accepts things way too easily. Job sucks? Oh well, no use looking for another one (cause that will probably suck too), better just accept that this is life now, and I'll always be tired with a sore back and feet. Shrug, nothing to be done about it anyway. Can't save up money for a vacation? Oh well, guess we just can't afford to take trips, that's our life now.

He seems to see my stubborn optimism as naive or silly. But I've learned that being downtrodden and pessimistic will not improve your circumstances. You must fight for what you want your life to be, even if others think you're delusional for it.

I will continue to buy books about natural energy-efficient home building, even if he doesn't believe we'll ever own a home in our lifetime. Because this is my future, damnit, and I won't let him sell it short.

I think we're much more different than I originally thought.

[chorusfm]

Liner Notes (May 18th, 2024)

Buckle up—we have a lot to discuss this week. This week’s supporter Q&A post can be found here. If you’d like this newsletter delivered to your inbox each week (it’s free and available to everyone), you can sign up here. A Few Things * One of the recent member-only episodes of the ATP podcast was all about “computer origin stories” or “first computer memories.” I’m roughly the same age as Casey and Marco and their core memories and histories mirrored mine quite a bit. And hearing them talk about their origin stories had me thinking about mine. My first memory of seeing a computer was in first grade when there was a computer in the elementary school library. Maybe an Apple IIGS? It was too long ago and I don’t know for sure. But a found family film makes it pretty clear I spent time with it. (Cool haircut first grade Jason.) I remember playing games like Carmen Sandiego. However, it wasn’t until middle school that my memories of using a computer start to solidify. I can remember vividly the computer labs at Twality Middle School. This is where I can remember my obsession beginning. At some point my parents bought a home computer for “the family.” It was a PC running DOS and Windows 3.1. Look, I’m very clearly old. I’m 41 and remember typing book reports on a typewriter before that computer. And this is when my obsession went into overdrive. I liked playing video games, what kid didn’t?, but I loved trying to figure out how all the software worked. I wanted to learn all the tips and tricks. I wanted to know how the system worked. Which meant I broke that computer. A lot. A lot a lot. I re-installed Windows on that thing from floppy disks more times than I can count. And this was where I first started playing around with Qbasic and did my first “programming.” My first memory of seeing the “internet” was at OMSI. My mom used to take my cousin and me there during summer vacation, and they had a computer lab. I remember downloading Simpsons WAV files and Dark Forces cheat codes, so this would have had to be around 1995, and I would have been around 14. At some point, breaking the family computer became a thing my parents got sick of, and my grandparents helped them purchase my own. Windows 95 and having my computer is where the already probably unhealthy technology obsession went supersonic. And this would be when I started playing around with HTML for the first time and soon after would begin writing what would turn into AbsolutePunk. That’s, best I can remember, my computing origin story. High school was primarily spent tinkering with PCs, installing various Linux distros, and using Windows throughout college. It wouldn’t be until around 2010 that I bought my first Mac. But, that’s probably a story for another time. * Anadivine was one of the hidden gems of the early 2000s scene, and they released a new 2024 remix/remaster of their album, Zoo_. It sounds great, and even if you never checked them out back in the day, it holds up all these years later. Also, if any labels read this and are interested in doing a limited vinyl pressing of the album, I can put you in contact with the band. Just let me know. * Aaron Mook, a contributor to AbsolutePunk and Chorus, has launched a GoFundMe to raise emergency medical funds for his cat. Please take a look if you’re able. In Case You Missed It * Review: Dua Lipa – Radical Optimism * Review: Keane – Hopes & Fears * Review: Broadway Calls – Coming After You * Review: Cold Years – A Different Life * Rise Against Announce New Tour * The Blood Brothers Announce Tour * Interview: Tony Lovato of Mest * The Used Announce B-Side Album * Alice Wallace – “Imposter” (Video Premiere) * Head Automatica – “Bear the Cross” * One OK Rock Announce World Tour * Avril Lavigne Announces Greatest Hits Album * Albums in Stores – May 17th, 2024 Music Thoughts * Lot’s of music to catch up on! Origami Angel released a new single, and it rules. I’m absolutely ready for a new Gami album. Their last… https://chorus.fm/features/articles/liner-notes-may-18th-2024/

[businessconsiderations]

"The strange history of the Baby Boom produced a generation of indefinite optimists so used to effortless progress that they fell entitled to it."

"Whether you were born in 1945 or 1950 or 1955, things got better every years for the first 18 years of your life, and it had nothing do with you. Technological advance seeme to accelerate automatically, so the Boomers grew up with great expectations but few specific plans for how to fulfill them."

- Peter Thiel in the "You are not a not a lottery ticket" chapter of Zero to One: Notes on Startups, or How to Build the Future

He discusses optimism vs. pessimism and definite vs. indefinite. The U.S. is optimistic, China and Europe are pessimistic. China is definite, so they pessimistically plan for their worse future. Europe is indefinite, so they pessimistically wait for the party to end while vacationing all summer.

He says the U.S. was definite in the '50s and '60s, the post-war period, we planned for our future. But the Boomers were just kids, it all happened for them. from the late '70s/early '80s on, in world run by the Boomers, we indefinitely hope for the best. Thiel's thesis of this chapter is we need to return to our definite optimism and build the future. But I get the sense that Thiel is a pessimist and doesn't think that we'll be able to do so.

Reading this chapter, a few weeks after watching Field of Dreams, makes me introspect about how my worldview has been shaped by being raised by Boomers.

Until very recently, my hot take has been generational differences are overblown, that most of what we think of as generational differences are just universal experiences of particular phases of life, that if we compared Gen Z today to Millenials 10-15 years ago to Gen X 20-30 years ago to Boomers 40-50 years ago, they're all mostly the same.

But I might be rethinking that a bit.

And on a more personal level, I might need to face my inner indefinite optimism with a healthy does of definite optimism and be even more intentional, more deliberate. I know I am trying, but before reflecting on Thiel's words, I'm not sure I knew what internal programming I was up against.

[ageofkarme]

Growing up, praise was something Karme got used to being without. He found other ways to keep going and tinkering, but that didn't change the fact that he wanted to be told he'd done a good job by other people. Polaris wasn't giving much, but what little he offered was cherished. Why? Because Karme's gut feeling told him that his last name, noble heritage, or the fact that he was being paid a small fortune to be here had nothing to do with Polaris' compliments. He saw value in Karme's mind, as scatterbrained it may be, and that was something the witch could appreciate.   "I'm not foolish. I know it's not as simple as saying "I want to make things" and suddenly everything is better. It'll take a lot of work, but that's exciting to me! One day, the whole queendom will know my name because I'll finally make something no one else can. In the meantime, I'll keep practicing with my spare parts and greasy gears in my workshop. I'm finally okay with failing forward. Didn't you mess up a lot before you became a master?" For the first time in his life, nothing was forcing Karme's optimism. He had unburdened a lot recently at the Chrysanthos ancestral castle, and now he was looking entirely toward the future. "Since becoming an Olympian, all I've done is tinker away at my family's vacation estate. I'm packing because I'm leaving Genovia, at least for a while. I'm going to Vulcan's Vessel to set up shop and lend my mind to the Tower. No support, no more allowance or golden flowers in my robes, I'll just be Karme. Except … I think it's been a couple days since I started packing. I'm not sure, I always lose track of time when I'm with my things."   It had been a while since Karme last slept. He was at two days of no sleep when he started this cycle of packing then forgetting he was packing, so by the amount he was blinking it was safe to say he was at four or five now. Wouldn't be much longer before one of these piles became his bed for a bit. "When I need to sleep, my body collapses and I get some. But there's too much to do to sleep every day, I don't know how people do it!" he says with a grin. Maybe he'd be a bit sturdier if he took care of himself better, but sometimes everything else seemed less important than building a new tool. His imagination was too vast for a twenty-four hour day. "I'm just surprised a cousin sent you. I assumed you'd be talentless when you told me, but you seem like a guy who knows his stuff. I'm gonna have the best sculpture ever and it'll be of me!"   Karme had genuine excitement for the end product, so much so that he got distracted while thinking about it and didn't realize Polaris was so close until he turned to face the elvhen again. "Honestly? No. I mean, your trick earlier helped. When you were in my ear and I started picturing the sculpture, I didn't think about anything else. But other than that, I always think about five different things at once. Like right now, I don't even remember all that I have stored in my girdle but I’m trying to, and I want to modify my ship, and you smell really good, but do I smell even decent? Oh and I've still got to repair my other Sisters and—" Flushed again, Karme at least allowed himself to get drawn into Polaris' eyes and not look away. "Even if I'm in a battle, I'll still follow inspiration and start tweaking my tools. I don't really know what a quiet mind sounds like. Must be boring."

While Karme worked, Polaris's gaze lingered on the artificer’s hands. The quick, precise movements of his fingers - the way they danced - coaxed brilliance from the mundane, like drawing fire from stone. He shaped the unshapable and bent the wildness of the world to his will in a way that echoed the hunger in the dragon’s heart. This creature, so small, so breakable, yet infinite in his craft, contained entire worlds between his palms. The tools he wielded seemed to hum with life, singing a song of creation that Polaris admittedly found interesting.

“A noble pursuit,” Polaris murmured, though the words tasted bittersweet. Creation has always carried a cost. The Aetherians had sought perfection, building a world that demanded the destruction of another. Those ashes still clung to the edges of his tongue, acrid and unrelenting. Memories had teeth sharper than any dragon’s. But Karme - Karme came as a cleansing balm, a spark of purity in the ruins of Polaris’s recollection. He’d expected some spoiled, entitled brat, but instead, this strange and vibrant artificer stirred something dormant.

“Packing? For why?” Polaris asked, his voice low, the question less about practicality and more a way to keep Karme’s attention. His gaze drifted across the cluttered workspace, alive with half-finished wonders. Considering Karme’s frenetic energy, it would take a lifetime to pack it all away. “Something tells me you don’t spend a great deal of time sleeping,” Polaris added, his tone both teasing and contemplative. The livewire artificer practically buzzed, as if sleep would only dull the sharp edges of his brilliance.

“I’ve yet to disappoint,” Polaris said, almost to himself, though the words were meant for Karme. The challenge of understanding him - of capturing his essence - it fed Polaris’s idle appetite. A dragon’s hunger was eternal, but this was different. He wanted not to devour Karme, but to take him in, to cradle that essence and give it the sort of life that blurred the boundaries between statue and man. That was the service Polaris provided. Even Karme’s imperfections - the smudges of soot, the sparks of distraction - would make for an enticing piece.

“Sleep deprivation aside,” Polaris mused, leaning closer, his voice as tender as a dragon could permit, “is there anything else that quiets your mind?"

[genshinlover101]

hi hi!! get ready for some tissues for ur issues. ooh okayok, 3am thoughts. so basically gn!reader is terminally ill but never tells the characters(Yae Miko, Keqing, Mona) then spends their last days with them doing all their favorite things, ignoring every concerned signs thrown at them until the very end they explain why they were companying them frequently at their fav places and then saying their final proper goodbyes. excited to see what my fav writer has up the sleeves now -😈

Keeping Your Terminal Illness from Her

Characters: Yae Miko, Keqing, Mona x gn!reader

Warnings: themes of death and sickness, mentions of blood

A/n: I just realized I forgot to add an authors note when I initially posted this ehe, so I’m editing it now :,)

I hope this is good though, I changed it so the reader didn’t necessarily straight up confess to dying cause I just felt edgy adding it in with my normal short headcanon 

• Your illness was fast and quick, it seemed like one day you contracted it and the next you find yourself coughing blood. In a similar manner, it felt like one day you had met your soulmate, Yae Miko, the next you were striped of a life with her.

• When the signs became more and more apparent and harder to hide you knew your time was coming. You wanted to hide yourself from her because you knew your life was too short to cry over spilled milk. Although you’d be a mere page in Miko’s 500+ year story, to you she was the entire book.

• You knew she was a busy woman, making a request that you wanted to have a little vacation time alone together doing her favorite things. It was rare to have even a day to yourselves, let alone multiple. You just wanted her to remember you fondly, and you wanted your last days to be full of her smiles and laughter.

Your eyes grew tired, feeling that you only had little more than a night left to live. Your sickness caught up to your optimism, it becoming too hard to mask as your skin turned pale and your eyes drooped low. The blood that you coughed up too frequently and staining your shirt. Miko would comment on it, “My dear, are you feeling okay? I’ve never seen you look so sickly.”

She was a smart fox, she knew you weren’t okay no matter what you said, and something was terribly wrong. “To be quite honest with you, these past couple of days I have been nothing but happy in your company. But you seem... You seemed like something was holding you back the entire time,” she tried to dig. The night stroll you two we’re taking had become spoiled. “The more you hide from me the harder it’ll be for me to continue to greet you with a smile.” 

“Miko,” her sweet name was all you managed to say before you began to rethink your actions. A way to tell her without dropping a weight on her heart, you started to regret withholding such crucial information from her. “Will you accompany me to sleep tonight? I’ll be okay as long as I am by your side,” was all you managed to say. Although it could’ve been interpreted wrong, it was enough to get your point across.

Your words struck her, she felt uneasy from your sudden change of heart. “What are you implying right now?” she asked you, her ears drooping low to the ground. “You can sleep with me, you’ll wake up next to me like always. I’ll hold you all night like always if that’s what you wish. You will wake up and the first thing you’ll see is me, like always,” she tried to justify and make sense of what you were saying. If you denied her words right then and there, she would never recover. Trying to comfort her with unresponsive silence.

You knew her eternal loneliness ever since she was a small kitsune, being abandoned by Raiden Ei and Kitsune Saiguu alike. That night she helped you limp back home, she couldn’t sleep, staring at your body and ensuring your breath was constant. Sometime that night, she couldn’t recall, your body grew cold and she knew you had fled from the mortal plane. 

• Your illness was always a secret from Keqing, the moment you contracted it you decided all you wanted to do was to spend your remaining days with the Yuheng. You decided that even if your fever was over 100, and if your skin turned pale, you would fake a happy face to relieve her the stress of finding an impossible cure.

• You would carry your contract with yourself to the grave. Not saying a word until the last moments. Even though you admitted how annoying it was, you wanted to hear the young woman’s stern voice bossing you around. It would pain you to see her treat you nicely just because of your sickness. You wanted things to be stagnant in your memories.

• You didn’t particularly ask for a week off from Keqing, knowing her schedule would not allow it upon such short notice. But you knew how much she adored camping, begging her to let you join her on her next expedition. It was one thing to hide your sickness from her, but to succumb while she was absent from home would be too much pain for you to silently bare.

Your bones grew weaker and frail, it became visible that you were struggling to carry your weight. Keqing got upset with you at first, “You were the one who wanted to come on this trip, don’t tell me you’ve gotten weak on me,” she tried motivating you the only way she knew how to. That was until you dropped, your knees buckling from underneath you.

She waited for a moment or two for you to pick yourself up, realizing that wasn’t the case she rushed over. picking you up in her arms as she knelt, “Come on, there’s not much time left until the sun sets and we’re almost at the campsite.” that was until she realize the blood in your right palm, raising her own hand to your forehead to check your temperature. Now that she thought twice about it, your face was pale, and you were acting oddly strange.

“Are you sick? We’ll see Dr. Baizhu first thing in the morning,” She asked confused. “If you felt so bad we didn’t have to go sightseeing, we could’ve stayed near the tent, you need to communicate these things to me or I’ll never know,” her stern lectures comforted you regardless of your situation. You felt your eyes losing motivation to stay open, your life flashing before your eyes.

Debating whether you should tell her the truth you allowed Keqing to help you limp back to the site. Laying down by the firewood with a log supporting you, Keqing taking her place next to you as she cooked up some rice water. Glancing at you every now and then she took note of how sleepy you looked. “You need to stay awake and eat or you’ll never recover your strength. I’m no doctor, but I can make some remedies with herbs,” you grew saddened at how focused she was on your recovery. “What’re your symptoms?” She asked.

“...Keqing, I love you,” you said with no context, ignoring her question. It somewhat creeped her out, making her feel uneasy. She couldn’t tell whether her emotions were caused because of how unwarranted your affection was, or because she got a bad feeling about how deathly you looked. She had no choice but to believe you’d be okay till you got to Liyue Harbor.

“I love you too,” was all she could say, a pit in her stomach as she focused on cooking. You never got to eat her cooking before the life drained from your body, your soul moving somewhere where Keqing wasn’t allowed to venture. Maybe it was cruel and selfish to Keqing, but it was too late to turn back time.

• You couldn’t hide anything from Mona, full well knowing that she analyzed your constellation too frequently to miss a terminal illness. She would see your future in cryptic letters from the scryglass, and see how your path of stars ended far too short to be considered normal.

• She must’ve been waiting for you to tell her about your illness yourself, but you never did. She acted normal, but you could tell something was on her mind as if she had something lingering on her tongue but chose to bite it instead. So selfishly you wanted to live the remainder of your life without mention of your fate.

• When your illness began to swallow you whole, you asked Mona to join you for the next couple of days stargazing. Traveling to different hills of Mondstadt to see the stars from a different angle. She didn’t hesitate to accept your proposal, not because she loved stargazing, but because she knew from your constellation that you didn’t have much time left.

You felt a shortness of breath, and no motivation to get back up and fight your disease. Still trying to stare at the stars above you in the night sky from your blanket on the grass. Mona must’ve caught on, secretly reading your fate on her scryglass every moment she spent separate from you. Your star alignment giving her anxiety beyond measures. 

She side-eyed you to make sure you were still with her, squatted down she hugged her knees closer to her body for stability, knowing if the stars were right you’d be leaving her tonight. She prayed fate would change, but she knew better than anybody else that what was written in the stars was permanent. She listened to your breathing patterns become irregular, her face white at your sickly appearance.

“I-,” she wanted to say something to you, but she didn’t know what to say. What does she say to her soulmate who will leave her at any minute? She didn’t have any last words prepared for you. She never had thought she’d need to think of such trivial words at such a young age.

“Mona Megistus, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on,” You interjected, reaching out to place a hand on her bare back. Your cold touch warming her heart. You knew without her telling you, you could never hide anything from the genius astrologer. The burden of telling her this was your last day lifted from your shoulders. “Please don’t ever forget that.” 

A blush on Mona’s face, “This is not the time to be flirting with me,” she said underneath her breath. Your words saddened her even more that she would never hear them again, “Knowing you love me will be enough for the rest of my life,” she averted her gaze from you, not being able to make eye contact with you in denial that you were leaving. Hoping that you’d reject her words and comfort her anxiety... but you never did.

Her eyes glazing over with tears, barely noticable in the night sky. Thinking if she could’ve done anything different to reverse your illness. Maybe it wouldn’t be too late to take you to the old hag and consult with her, or maybe if she had went behind your back and told the Knights of Favonius, or maybe even the church nuns would have a cure. 

All these thoughts poured into her head when she already knew there was no other way. “Please don’t leave me,” she whispered as she reached for your hand, watching you with fondness despite your delicate look. Wiping a small trail of tears away from her cheeks, she decided to lay beside your sleeping breath. Her head resting on your chest as she listened to your slow heartbeat. Staying up all night while she waited for death inevitably to claim you, she wondered if she’d ever see you again.