#just that sometimes it makes me so despondent lol

[eclecticwordblender]

i wrote an article once reflecting upon my relationship with the english language as a resident of a former british colony who knows english better than her mother tongue. i discussed how the acquisition of the english language is prioritised in my society because english is the language of domination, english is power and how this consequently limits or at the very least influences my ideas of language politics and colonisation. i only understand my colonisation in the tongue of my coloniser.

i extend this line of thought to feminist theory as well. language, particularly conversational speech, as we know today, has been misogynistic at worse and male-biased at best. language posits the male as default and the female as a deviation. language is central to understanding, thinking and expressing. i only know my oppression in a tongue that belongs to my oppressor.

[taste-thewaste]

Hi! Are you still doing the ficlets? If not disregard this.

“not that i think cuddling will fix everything, but i’m pretty sure it can’t make things worse.” for taynick or firstprince (whichever tickles your fancy). Thanks!

Hi anon! Yes I'm still doing them, sorry I didn't get this done last night but I was a little sleepy. Going for taynick on this one because it's what popped out to me. I've kind of ~explored~ this before but idk I'm feeling soft nick and tay right now and I just know based on interviews that Nick is self conscious and I think taylor would comfort him. idk i hope no one crucifies me for this one lol. enjoy!

Taylor comes home from a workout covered in sweat, as always, and reaches for a protein shake in the fridge. "Nick?" he calls, "are you here?" Sometimes Nick goes to the market or to get a coffee while he's doing a workout, or does a workout of his own. "I'm gonna make breakfast, what do you want?" "I'm fine," Nick's voice drifts in from the other room, but it's thin and tiny and Taylor can tell right away that he's not fine. He finishes his shake and then goes to find him. Nick's sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone, his eyes trained on the small screen, his knees drawn to his chest. "Hey. What do you want for breakfast?" "I said I'm fine," Nick mumbles as he keeps scrolling. Taylor nods slowly and walks around the back of the couch to spy over his shoulder. Nick closes out the app as quickly as he can, but not before Taylor sees that he's looking at photos from a recent Fendi shoot. "Ah, didn't know you were busy checking out how good you look, my apologies," Taylor says teasingly, dropping a kiss on top of Nick's now-garishly blonde hair. They both hate it, but it's for the sheep movie, so he has to. "I look awful," Nick says, pulling the photos back up and shoving the phone in Taylor's direction. Taylor scrolls through them for a moment. "Babe, we've been over this. They put you in the worst outfits imaginable. It's not your fault."

"Not the clothes, Taylor, me," Nick says despondently, and Taylor looks down at him. He looks truly miserable. "I'm all...squishy." "Hey," Taylor says, coming around and sitting next to him on the couch. "You look incredible, terrible clothes and all. Squishy and all." Nick looks down. "Easy for you to say." Taylor sighs. They aren't going to solve this in one day. Nick's had body image issues his entire life, or so he's told Taylor, and one affirmative statement from his boyfriend isn't going to fix it. He reaches out and tugs Nick close until he's sitting in his lap, wraps his long arms around him and cuddles him tightly. "Not that I think cuddling will fix everything, but I'm pretty sure it can't make things worse," Taylor says, kissing Nick's temple. Nick sighs in contented defeat. "You're right about that, I suppose," Nick says, and closes his eyes, trying to shove his insecurities from his mind. For now, he has this, and for now, it's enough.

[gallusrostromegalus]

How do Hisagi and Kira cope with all the chaos Tousen and Gin wind up causing?

So my concept of this is based off these panels in the Manga, where Shuuhei realizes just how much work goes into running the Ninth Division:

(I love Jushiro's r u fuckin' serious? face here lol)

From the interlude between major battles in the middle of the Arrancar arc, in a cafe in seireitei:

*****

Kira sat in awkward silence as his friend and mentor bawled into his shoulder.

"EVERYTHING! I SWEAR, HE WAS DOING EV-ER-Y-THING!!" Shuuhei wailed. Five drinks in and the teetering walls of Shuuhei's stoic facade has crumbled like day-old cookies. "Managing all our contacts and sources, writing in the cultural articles as needed, keeping the presses stocked and in working order, wrangling the other captains to actually submit their reports, keeping the filing up-to-date- He was even writing the crossword every week!"

"It's uh. It's been a change for me too." Kira mumbled, awkwardly patting his shoulder. Across the table, Rangiku has assumed a facade of gentle sympathy as she waited for the storm of emotions to blow over.

"WHY?" Shuuhei demanded, sitting back up. "WHY DIDN'T HE ASK FOR HELP? The workload must have been killing him- it's killing ME and I read at least twice as fast as he ever did! Did he just... Not Sleep?"

"Well, perhaps he found the tasks he had delegated to you to be difficult for him, but the stuff you're struggling with was easy for him?" Kira tried, optimistically.

"No, that can't be it- It's almost the same work, just more of it." Shuuhei sniffled. "Did- did he not TRUST me to handle the workload? He was always a stickler for details- was- am I not good enough?"

"There's also the whole Treason thing." Rangiku pointed out, unhelpfully. "If I were plotting to overthrow the government, I'd take on extra paperwork to keep it quiet."

Shuuhei slumped over the table, contemplating the thought despondently. "...Was I not good enough to take wi-?"

"-You finish that sentence and I'll break this bottle right over your skull." Rangiku threatened. "You were TOO Good for him to make you an offer like that. If anything he knew you'd do the right thing and turn him in."

Shuuhei sniffled, unconvinced.

"How are you holding up Blondie?" Rangiku changed the conversation with the gracelessness but irrefutable power of an ox.

Kira considered her question, chewing his lip awkwardly. "I... Well I don't know how to say this delicately but, um-" he glanced down nervously at Shuuhei, who at least looked like he couldn't get MORE miserable. "-It's actually been kinda great."

Shuuhei stared up at him from the table, scandalized, and Rangiku barked a laugh loud enough to make the room ring.

"Gin was a...hands off sort of manager. He would always back up whatever we decided to do of course- Heck, he crossed swords with the old fart that runs the Fon Clan for us once, but ah... well. As annoying as him being largely absent was, he was worse when he decided to help." Kira sighed.

"THAT'S GIN!" Rangiku cackled. "I swear talking to him was like talking to someone from a different dimension sometimes- not a damn clue how anything worked."

"Yeah..." Kira smiled weakly. "We had a secret staff calendar to make sure he'd be occupied with something if we had a REALLY important project going on, which probably should have been indicative of something, now that I say it out loud."

"It's indicative of a crap manager, which is a far cry from treason, even if both should be hanging offenses." nodded Rangiku. "Speaking of management- Any idea when you lads are going to take the captain's exam?"

"What?!" Both yelped, startled.

"ME? CAPTAIN! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Kira shrieked, laughing nervously like a Hyena.

"Nononono-" Shuuhei waved. "I'm half-dead running things as is, and Tousen left things relatively tidy- Apparently Aizen absolutely TRASHED the fifth division's filing and casework on the way out and it's bedlam over there. For all his other sins, Capt- Tousen at least finished payroll out until the middle of November." Shuuhei shrugged.

Rangiku blinked at what Shuuhei said, confused, but was distracted by the sudden arrival of more friends.

"Hi Rangiku-Chan!" Orihime waved from the door, out of breath and lightly singed from training with Rukia, who followed her in, looking equally gleefully disheveled.

"HEY GIIIIRL!" Rangiku squealed with delight, waving for Orihime to come over for a hug, and the girl practically tackled her. "Oof- How's training?"

"She can throw any Hado up to the mid-seventies right back at me now!" Rukia panted, delighted. "We're gonna start on Bakudo tomorrow, to give myself a break."

"-And Miss Rukia has been casting Hado in the 80's and a 90th level one without incantations, so I can't predict what the next attack is be like!" Orihime bounced with excitement.

"Sorry you're doing fucking what?" Kira gaped as Rukia sat down next to him, looking more than a little smug.

"Casting without incantations Kira, try to keep up!" She teased.

"Goddamn." Muttered Shuuhei. "All I've been doing is drowning in paperwork and failing to drown my sorrows."

"Oh no!" gasped Orihime, joining them at the table. "What's wrong?"

"Besides the everything?" Kira laughed darkly. "Apparently Tousen had been doing like 90% of the Ninth Division's Work and now Shuuhei is playing catch-up."

"Oh, wow." Orihime nodded, patting Shuuhei's shoulder sympathetically. "-that's a lot of work! And with his Spinal Implants too!"

The table blinked at Orihime, confused.

"...what spinal implants?" Shuuhei asked, peeling himself off the table and staring at her.

"Oh! oh no, I didn't mean to blab medical information-" Orihime waved.

"Traitors aren't covered by HIPPA, What Spinal Implants?" Shuuhei demanded, calmly but firmly grabbing her by the shoulders to stress the seriousness of the situation.

"I- um, well- When I was being attacked by Mayuri-Taicho, um, Mr. Tousen stepped in and- well frankly, he saved my life!" Orihime mumbled. "But- he lost his um, what do you call it-? The white jacket? and the back of his uniform had been ripped open so I got a pretty good look at his spine and honestly I thought it was some kind of weird body piercing thing at first but when I asked he got really cagey for a bit and said something about 'spinal implants' but MAN, they looked like they had to have HURT, not to mention the big scars on his shoulders..."

The assembled shinigami shared wary looks.

"...Okay, you're not in trouble. In fact, you might be doing us a big favor." Rangiku gently put her hands on Orihime's. "-But I need to you be totally honest about what you saw, or didn't see, or what you think you might have seen but aren't totally sure about, okay?"

Orihime nodded.

"-Did you, at any point, see Aizen's sword, or think you saw one of it's attacks?" Rangiku asked, eyes focused on the girl in a way that reminded her uncomfortably of being stalked by a leopard at the zoo as a small child.

Orihime thought carefully. "I- um. I saw the big Kido spell he launched right before he and Mr. Gin and Mr. Tousen went through that portal- he was really far away, but I don't think he had his sword out. I couldn't actually see what he looked like, just where the light was coming from? It's kind of embarrassing, but I still don't know what this Aizen guy actually looks like?"

"Oh my god." Realized Rukia. "He didn't take Kyoga Suigetsu out the whole time he was at the execution grounds. If Orihime hadn't seen him before then, she was never under his illusion."

"Rukia, sketchbook." Rangiku demanded, hand out and Rukia rifled through her pockets for the book and a handful of pens. "Alright Orihime- do you think you can draw what you saw on Tousen's back?"

"Oh! yeah, I think I can do that!" She nodded.

"Remember, only draw what you're really, really sure you saw- no adding details!" Rukia prompted, remembering The Orihiminator form her art midterms.

"Right! Um- well, if this is his back-" She drew an outline of a human back, noting were his spine and shoulders were. "-there were these like? Little iron nails? Going up in pairs on either side of his spine. I'm not totally sure, but I'm like... 98% sure there was one pair for every vertebra. His hakama and scarf were in the way so I don't know how far up and down the went, but it looked like his entire spine? and then there was this bright red thread woven and tied in really elaborate knots between them- Um. I'm not sure how exactly, but it was something like this- if I saw pictures I'd be able to point the pattern out again." She explained, continuing the illustration.

"-And then on his shoulders there were a pair of Kanji that had been like- carved into his skin? They were bright red, like they were infected or maybe that's what they look like when he'd been running? but um- yeah, it was "Silence" on his left shoulder, and "Obedience" on his right- Like this!" She said, holding up the drawing.

The shinigami, as a group, turned white. Rukia slapped a hand over her mouth that only sort-of stifled the scream she let out. Kira started to shake and Shuuhei got up and leaned out the window like he might be sick.

"...They weren't medical implants like he said, were they?" Orihime winced.

Rukia reached over and gently pushed the drawing down so it was facedown on the table. "That's. um. That's a Curse Orihime. That's a really, really nasty curse." She explained gently.

"Shuuhei-" said Rangiku, frowning. "You said that Tousen had finished the Payroll, right?"

"Yeah, out to the middle of November." Nodded Shuuhei, still looking green. "Weirdest thing- he ended it on the thirteenth, a Teusday. Totally not like him."

"-Its also really weird for a guy who is allegedly planning on committing treason to make life easy for the people he's leaving behind by finishing out the payroll." Explained Rangiku, taking out her communicator and Dialing. "Shuuhei- I want you to go back to the Ninth and see what other work he finished that doesn't make sense, and keep track of the dates he finished them out to, Kira- you do the same for the Third Division. That Teusday thing is bothering me. Rukia- I need you to go find someone from the Kido Corps and meet me at the First Division. Orihime- you're with me."

"Yessir!" The three lieutenants jumped to their feet and took off as Rangiku finished placing the call.

"-Sasakibe-San?" She asked when the line clicked on. "Sorry to disturb you, but I think Miss Orihime has discovered something of critical importance. Can I meet you and Yamamoto-Sotiacho at the first division? Now?"

[blughxreader]

Thank u so much for making the Andre bot it’s sooo entertaining. My problem is I have trouble playing the submissive role cause Andre is such a little shit. Also, going back and forth with the ai had me wondering, how would Andre respond to a despondent darling? Based off the behavior of the bot i have to imagine it would just be more threats 😭

Haha yeah it's hard to be submissive when he's such a tool.

And the AI isn't a good indicator of how he really is because it's missing a fundamental pillar of Andre's personality: intimacy.

This man FUCKS. And sometimes makes love. Or at least makes Darling sit in his lap. The moment he can, willingly or not, he's on her.

As for a despondent darling... While the hopelessness is something he's aiming for, he also wants her to be lively enough to love him. Andre would intimidate her, but once the light starts to leave her eyes, he'd back off. A puppet isn't what he's after--he wants a darling who happily yields.

The bot gets his reaction to defiant darlings very wrong. Andre loves the chase. He'd take great joy in forcing submission through vile words, humiliation, pain, and sex, with a confusing mix of praise and gifts.

It's so funny because someone messaged me and showed me messages Andrebot whipping her, yet kissing isn't allowed lol.

So basically the bot can never correctly embody Andre because he would have a hand on you at all times.

[hajihiko]

How do you keep your interest in Danganronpa for so long? /gen

Theres so many things I wanna make content for but it's hard to find the motivation and/or to keep focus on it for more than a day or two at a time. Sometimes in your little comments and tags it kinda sounds like you might struggle with something similar

Lol this hasn't been very long for me, I think I was in RvB for like 3 years or more

but you're right, I definitely do struggle with that. I'm also, regrettably, pretty despondent when I don't have something to focus on and default to, so losing interest is a bit of a tragedy for me.

For right now, I'm going somewhat strong because I don't have anything else to grab me (once I start playing the new DnD campaign, I might latch onto that instead).

It also helps that I post online and have good engagement! Not kidding when I say that interesting questions, fun tags, and like-minded creators are like 70% of reasons to post. I always have ideas, but hearing other people's thoughts and reactions is what pushes me to finish and polish any of them. So once again to everyone who leaves fun tags and asks fun questions, and create stuff alongside me, thank you!

Finally, it's just nice to have little puppets to project on lol. For example, I've always wanted to talk about polyamory and non-romantic relationships and trauma and other personal stuff, but I need vessels to make it interesting for me, and I have pretty good ones in DR2. I also have thoughts on the themes and narratives that are like, subjective, sometimes awfully generous, but I make my own interpretations and that keeps it fun.

[cherry-stained-corpse]

Wednesday Spoilers possibly

(You’ve been warned…unless I don’t actually mention a spoiler in which case 🤷🏻…it is more a precaution than anything)

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Also this is strictly my own opinion. Obviously. If you think differently you are free to do so. Just don’t be a jerk about it.

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• So I am 7 episodes in, I have yet to watch the last one. But so far, I personally really like it. I love this iteration of Wednesday. I think it makes perfect sense for her to be this way with these particular traits especially as a teenager. That’s something I think some people may be forgetting. She’s a teenager here, and as teenagers go, they don’t necessarily stay the same as their past child selves. Even then, personality wise she’s not that different to how she was portrayed in the 90s films by Christina Ricci (in fact they are literally in the same show now which is pretty awesome). Clearly they are taking a more personal angle where we actually explore how some traits can be put one at odds with others. Like being emotionally despondent, being incapable of expressing emotions and thus those around you portraying that in ability as you not caring for them. Being simply unable to show that caring emotion and telling yourself it’s on purpose. I found myself really relating to Wednesday a lot in that regard. I’m autistic, so I have a very hard time expressing emotions in ways that are considered the conventional way. Due to my own struggle with emoting and such I was often labeled as a stuck up person that thinks they’re better than everyone, or someone who doesn’t care, simply because I don’t emote the way everyone else does or know how to express certain things the way people expect them to be expressed. I’m not a hugger, I don’t feel comfortable with too much contact if any, and I don’t fair well in emotional talks with people because sometimes I genuinely do not know how I’m supposed to react or what I should say. That could be why growing up I was so attached to her character (The films and 60s sitcom are favorites I’ve watched my whole life so I suppose I can be considered a huge fan). Aside from of course the fact that as a goth I’ve always had morbid spooky interests even as a kid. Perhaps for some it might be frustrating to watch a protagonist like this, and how she stubbornly refuses to change even when some flaws are very highlighted. But i personally have interpreted as she doesn’t know how to change, even when she feels guilt, she feels bad but even acknowledging that you do might feel extremely difficult. Maybe because of pride, maybe because that’s just all you know how to exude. I personally really relate to her. I’m not sure if I explained it well enough. But I also think it just makes sense, these aren’t traits that are all that new to her. They are simply more deeply explored but these traits where already there.Over all I think her characterization, the actress they chose, her development, everything is perfect.

Aesthetically, I think they really hit the mark. I have watched several different shows and some that depict a goth character or attempting to depict gothy or spooky aesthetics, and so far this one has done a better job than a lot. Every single one of Wednesday’s outfits have been perfect, I feel they really capture her character very well while also showing a more varied wardrobe. I’m very into character designing and fashion and costuming so I was very happy with the choices they made. Also could be a bit biased since most of her outfits are things reflective of my own wardrobe lol. Oh also ALSO…this show fits every criteria to be labeled as Dark Academia and no one can tell me otherwise. All it’s missing is a gay romance but…I suppose we can’t win them all. (I’m begging more shows/movies/whatever please enough with the heteronormativity. Give us gay guys some representation in these genres…)

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Another thing I wanted to touch on really quick. I hadn’t spoken on this before but I recall this being an issue since even before when they first announced the cast and showed what they would look like for the first time. A lot of people did not like how “ugly” Gomez was. And many claimed it was because they preferred “the original”. So to that I ask this, Are you really arguing for the integrity of the original, or are you just racist. Or perhaps a third option that seems to be a common one (of course giving the benefit of doubt that it’s not including any sprinkled in racism), Do you simply have a deep attachment for the 90s iteration regardless of wether it is accurate or not visually?

Because if we are going to discuss accuracy and what the character should look like, this Gomez Addams is perfect. He represents a far more accurate depiction of Gomez Addams than any before him. Not only that but he’s Latino as is the rest of the family coded to be for the first time. That’s another thing. Latino representation especially in goth aesthetics. Of course I’m aware the 90s actor for Gomez was also Latino, a fello Puerto Rican, and he was great! Always will be iconic! But what I’m saying is It’s perfectly appropriate for the family to be Latino, Wednesday to be Latina, because she is. Morticia is also casted perfectly. I’ve seen some grief about her not having her “Iconic red lip” when as far as I remember that was only iconic for the 90s Morticia. Not so much from the 60s sitcom or the actual originals, the 30s-40s cartoon comic iteration. Granted you could of course argue that it’s implied for her to have red lips since the comic and sitcom are black and white, but then the same can be said in regards to any dark shade. Personally I would have gone full black but to each their own. I think these new actors did a phenomenal job at portraying the characters well.

There’s nothing wrong with preferring the 90s film version of them, or specifically Gomez. That’s fine. Those movies are iconic for a reason. I adore those films. But theres something to be said when a Latino playing the character and portraying the original appearance gets flack for being “too ugly” when he was never actually meant to be attractive or sexy. Again, nothing wrong with portraying him as such. As an artist I like creating my own concept and versions of characters that can often be drastically different to the original. But perhaps some reflection is needed when that becomes your biggest gripe whilst ignoring the original. Even then I’m not against liberties being taken, plenty have been taken in this new version that honestly I quite like. I love how they really expanded upon Wednesday’s character. I love that she’s a writer, I love that she plays the cello. I love that we get to see a more in depth look at her character. Perhaps that could be because I myself love and partake in those things in my personal life. But I don’t know. That’s just me.

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Anyways I’ll probably make more posts doing a fuller review in specifics and stuff that happened. I have…words to say about the Hyde and it’s overall…look. And other such critiques. But I’ll save those for after I’ve finished the final episode :) these have just been my personal thoughts upon first impressions. Kind of word vomit-y. Who cares it’s my blog.

[atmymercy]

Feedback for giveaway reading:

When I got the free reading from you couple of weeks back asking for guidance on where my efforts are lagging, you gave me an excellent reading and told me to explore further. I had been sort of putting this 'exploring further' on the back burner coz I know whenever I had tried it in the past I get the same responses which I'm unable to implement in my real life. And then that makes me even more miserable coz I'm not able to make the easiest of changes that someone suggests me. For the past few days I had been feeling very despondent and feeling like in this lifetime the deck is just stacked up against me somehow, and maybe I should just give up and accept that, this is it. This is it, and just learn to live like it is. Nothing worse and nothing better will come along. This just is.

Winning your takeaway was like my alarm going off early morning on a weekday! I rarely if ever win anything, so needless to say I was shocked for a second when I saw my blog tagged. But I guess just as Universe gave me the nudge to ask you that question the other day, similar Universe did want me to explore this further even when I had put it off! Destiny!

I'm so SO thankful to you sweet Tea. Thank you for being so thoughtful, caring, gentle and straight to the point with the reading! You did not beat around the bush, neither did you blame me for procastinating the things I know should've been doing, but you simply helped me see a new perspective to make my life so much better. Thank you for being so understanding 🙏. You know in your reading you mentioned at one point, "I heard even on your birthday", and I was like whoa!! Coz it's true, it's every single day, a birthday or a new year or a celebration doesn't make any difference. But the advice you've offered me is so grounding and practical, this is exactly what I had been looking for! And even more importantly, it's something that I can actually do!! Sometimes people really don't realise how debilitating anxiety can be and how much it screws your brain and your capacity to perform even the most mundane daily tasks. Thank you being the beacon of light and showing me just how I can start to rewire my brain! This is exactly what I needed to get started and stay motivated and to not give myself such a hard time.

Really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart 💖🙏. Thank you so much for this opportunity and thank you so much for your kind and inspiring words 💞. I will definitely start implementing these changes in my attitude and behaviour towards myself right from today! Thank you for making me finally understand how to go about my situation and helping me understand the positive changes I can make for myself 💓

I genuinely wish you nothing but lots and lots of success and happiness which you so very much deserve. May all the good you do for others multiply infinitely on you. 🙌💝

hello c!

omg, honey! you spoil me so! look at this feedback! omg! it's so long! you're so sweet and i can't wait to start reading this! two secs! lol

haha! omg! is it bad that i'm a little happy that you put it on the back burner so you could work through this with me, honey? let's be honest! it was always meant to be! lol and you know i don't mind helping you out! i'm so glad i could be the person you turn to when it comes to a matter so close to the heart like this, honey! thank you! it really does mean a lot that you trust me and turn to me. i honestly can't even explain the trust you put in me and i hope i'm able to return it and maybe even with a little extra healing because honestly, it's my thing. i do that and i'm happy to do that for you, honey! it's moments like this with friends like you that show me we're on the right path! aww thank you again!

and that the universe would have you win! like you know it's meant to be! you can just feel it! lol

oh god! honey! you are just making me cry! i'm so glad you thought my reading was so helpful! and honestly i really did just want to jump right into the issue because there's no reason why this should continue on for a second longer when you don't want it and if i can help with that! eeee! omg! yes! i will! and me? thoughtful? caring? gentle? understanding? thank you so so so much, honey! omg! i strive to be all those things every single day and that you recognize that makes me feel so seen and appreciated! thank you! mahsi! it means so much to me!

i'm so glad, honey! i understand how dark that hole can seem! and like endless too, right? but i want you to know that's an illusion and you can do this! re-wire that brain and show that brain who is the real boss and it's you! no more giving yourself a hard time, okay? promise me?

i'm so grateful, honey! it means more than i can say that you wish such sweet blessings on me and i hope the same for you, honey! i can't wait to see more of your journey and i expect a wedding invitation when the time comes! lolol

i'm keeping this forever!!!

love & light!

-tea

[kittytiddycommittee]

Attempting libido reboot guy here (I need a better name than that lmao)

You’re right that it’s a pretty tall order, I only made it three days, so now i’m gonna try for 5 weeks even, maybe, maybe not. That said, I’ve cum once this week, which is the lowest rate in a long time, and I do feel some benefits.

My confidence that this is at least semi-achievable comes from the fact that I inadvertently did it already a few years ago, by moving for a summer to a place with no internet or cell service. I was weird and cranky for about a week to ten days, then suddenly I was having vivid sex dreams, waking up with perfect erections, etc, it was great. I actually was able to get hard easily with a woman, although I couldn’t perform well due to anxiety about whether or not I was really better, and it kinda sent me spiraling again.

I think I had an excessively all-or-nothing approach to “resetting”. I’d get bored, pull up porn, realize that broke my perfect streak, watch a bunch, repeat after a day or two. This time I’m trying to just turn it off ASAP, and more slowly train myself to address boredom through alternate means. I have a history of perfectionism and associated anxiety and despondency, so hopefully the progression approach will be more sustainable than perfection.

anyway, it’s going ok so far, I’ve also been working on some pelvic floor relaxation type exercises, adding some supplements that should help with anxiety, and so forth. One other advantage I have is that I don’t really feel sexually denied as much as I feel bored, I don’t think this would be nearly as workable a challenge with a healthy libido. I am starting to feel more sexually aware, definitely noticing pretty women I meet in a slightly more charged way. Don’t worry, I’m not being weird about it, it’s just nice to have that awareness of, like, “wow, the way that dress clings and flows around her hips is something, huh” makes me feel like a man “should feel”. When I ever actually end up in bed with a woman again, I don’t want her to doubt that I’m hungry for her. It’s been years, but I still feel crummy about how I used to sometimes go soft with my ex.

As an aside, I’m not exactly sure what my sexual vibe is, more of a service top than anything, but idk if that’s a thing for straight people lol. Parts of femdom aren’t really my speed, as I don’t see myself in some of the standard subby guy cliches. Mainstream “capital D” dom vibes are often really awkward or corny to me though, so I don’t see exactly know where I fit in.

hope you have a great weekend!

It's entirely possible that it's not just porn/jerking off that's caused the issues you were experiencing. In my own experience, there's often a mental/emotional component to it as well. We as a society really need to chill about ED and stop seeing it as a direct commentary on how our partners feel about us. It'd help too if we didn't view PIV as the default sexual activity for couples with the necessary anatomy. I myself am pretty ambivalent about bottoming, so my only concern would be ensuring that my partner has a good time regardless of whether they can get hard.

I don't know you or your circumstances, of course, so I'm really in no position to comment on your situation, but it might be worth considering while you've got the free time. I just hate to see people be so hard on themselves about it.

[xocontinentaldrift]

monthly report: january 2023

Wowza, I can't believe a month has already flown by. After a rough start of my kiddo getting stomach fly on New Year's Day, I spent most of the month just catching my breath and easing into the new year. It was a good call not to put too much pressure on myself.

Ironically, it was a productive month anyway, with lots of happy-making moments and accomplishments:

Revised about 1/3 of my novel

Took a lot of outdoor open air walks despite the snow and cold

Started to go out for dinner every Friday night with the family

Decluttered a lot of papers and some books

Mastered making falafel in our Instant Pot air fryer

Talked with my best friend on the phone a few times

Spent more time with my parents with my kiddo

Did a little more strength training in the mornings, experimenting with doing pushups everyday (because a few times a week makes it hard to track, it's easier for me just to do them everyday)

Bonded with our new kitty and she seems happy and well-adjusted in our home, and she is so snuggly!

Began getting to bed at a reasonable hour (before midnight is a huge accomplishment for me.)

Participated in some fashion challenges via my favorite fashion forum on Reddit

Read a lot of books

Began planning the little guy's birthday party next week, which is NOT a fun task for me, but I booked the location, put down a deposit, sent out invites, managed the RSVPs. Next up: figuring out food, transport/pickup logistics, ordering the cake, sending out reminders

Bought a nice lounge bed roll from Natural Life that makes my home so much more cheerful, funky and comfy

Paid all my bills!

Trucking along in my Duolingo French course -- I'm determined to finish the Intermediate 1 course by mid-year

However, the month had its difficulties and sticking points:

Some instances of mindless spending

Yelling a few times at my kiddo, especially when I was burned out at the beginning of the month coming off the busy holiday season

Conflict with partner over who does what in terms of house/life shit. The problem is that I feel all the work I do is never seen as the work that it is, it's just written off as "easy" and inconsequential.

Thought it got better at the end, my sleeping patterns were off, and I've begun waking up in the middle of the night. (Thanks, perimenopause!) Gotta figure something out because it really does bite into quality of life.

BORED AT WORK. Can't figure out if the responsibilities, the need for a new direction, or just the drab isolation of working from home in the middle of winter.

Inconsistent exercise when it's sub-zero temps. I mean, part of me thinks I can give myself some slack on this, but it does affect my overall sense of well-being

Having moments of feeling super, super depressed right before my period. It's not even just sad -- it's like my brain just can't feel good in any way, and I feel really despondent and hopeless in a way that doesn't feel right. Sometimes I wonder if I have PMDD. Something to think upon, I guess.

Just that general feeling of being in a hamster wheel, running furiously but with no real movement forward. Spinning my wheels. File it under "existential mid-life malaise."

So that's my roundup of January 2023. Not a bad month, I must say. I'm really looking forward to February 2023's goals and resolutions:

Keep revising my novel! I'm really making a lot of headway at the moment, maybe because I've hit a decent patch of storytelling

Getting ready for my writers group to start up again

Planning my kiddo's birthday party, it's gonna be a banger, lol

An old friend will be in town from London, so I'm looking forward to seeing her

Talking regularly on the phone with my best friend from college

More Friday night dinners as a family

Making myself get dressed in real clothes instead of being in sweats all day -- too easy to do in the winter, for sure!

Focusing my reading on books on relationships, parenting, love and marriage, and also incorporating more fiction

Cleaning out my closet once again and sending a box of clothes to ThredUp

Getting a shoe storage cabinet for my dining room

Getting to bed before midnight most nights -- ideally asleep by 11:30pm, but let's be realistic that this might not always happen

Cleaning out toiletries and makeup bag

Wearing perfume everyday -- I have a lot of scents that I need to use and use up and use out

Making an appointment to meet with a new OB-Gyn -- might delay this till March

Taking walks outside as much as I can

Going out to work at a cafe or some place like that at least once a week

Trying out 2-3 new recipes this month as a challenge. I don't care too much about being the ideal housewife, but for my own sake, I need to try some new recipes

Start re-creating an official website/social media professional presence again...which means paying off Dreamhost, ugh.

Maybe look into estimates for redoing kitchen floor

Start planning outdoor landscaping miniprojects, like planting new boxwoods on my side garden beds

Ok, that's getting a little too ambitious; I'll revise this as needed. Here's to a lovely February full of peace, inspiration, liberation and the divine feminine!

[mxvladdy]

I would like to request! Can I request? Well I wish for you to consider what type of person/what kind of situation would cause the brothers to make a pact with someone. Maybe even what they would request in exchange? This can be before or after they met MC. With that out of the way, I totally binge read all of your works after my sister gushed to me about the True Form series, and just thank you??? It made me really happy reading them and it's always impressively detailed and well thought out.

Awww thank you! I’m glad it’s rave-worthy! I plan to add to it soon bc it was an absolute riot to write and research for lol

And wow this one is a toughie! I’ve actually never thought of what would make them want a pact! Hope ya like it!

Lucifer- Pact of Success

Absolutely the hardest brother to do business with, but that is probably a good thing. He is incredibly selfish with his contracts. Sure, they’ll benefit from his pact mark, but he will get the most out of it. Aside from MC he only takes requests for contracts from the human “elite”. They make wonderful feathers in his cap.

But also he takes some enjoyment in breaking them. They always get so cocky with his contracts thinking that they have him on the ropes and at their beck and call. It gives him a good chuckle, humans are so brazen considering their very short lifespan.

He destroys them slowly over time- all the little minutia he peppers in his legal bindings adds up. Not that his normal clientele ever read the fine print. But he designed it that way to make sure they don’t. All their requests are the same and so simplistic. Big boats, fancy cars, climbing the proverbial ladder faster than their friends or enemies - blah-blah-blah. At least the paperwork is easy to complete.

Very rarely does he find a contract he is excited to make. Those contracts are given to artists and craftsmen he sees potential in. He loves good art, and every artist should take pride in their work.

When it comes to the “price” of his pact it is worryingly simple. All he wants is some of their time. It sounds simple, and it is. Which is why it’s dangerous. The contract doesn’t specifically say how or the rules of it. How he takes your time is completely up to him.

Sometimes he simply comes for a drink and to ask how business is going. Or with the pacts he gives a damn about- he pops in to see progress on their artist visions or listen to their latest musings.    

Other times if he grows tired of his pact holders’ ever-growing demands or ludicrous requests he comes and takes time right out of their lifespan. His visits leave them weak and fatigued though they can’t place why. He is a slow siphon of death and they are too foolhardy to notice. If he is feeling especially cruel, or sentimental he takes memories, things that a demon generally wouldn’t want.

Time with family, the first time they met the love of their life, a child’s birthday. He takes them all and leaves them with only a blurry recollection in his wake

When MC crosses his path though he is very apprehensive. He doesn’t want a pact or anything that could jeopardize Diavolo’s upcoming plans. But they make his skin itch with want. He doesn’t want them to be another trophy on his wall. He wants a mutually beneficial pact, one that almost leans in their favor and it grates him. Should/ when a pact is made he won’t use his powers on you as then he would have to take something in return. Instead, he takes his time and coaches them to be successful by their own right, though if he has to eliminate some obstacles- well they don’t need to know that.

Mammon- Pact of Riches

I love his man with all my heart, but even when he isn’t losing bets or getting tricked into pacts he still isn’t the most selective with who he conducts business with. He is the avatar of greed, after all. I guess it comes with the territory.

He scouts for already wealthy humans or people with a good head for numbers and is money smart. Some are too smart to deal with him, knowing that whatever monetary gain they are granted from him will backfire in the end (or their mama’s taught them not to make deals with strange demons). But a sucker is born every minute, and he has nothing but time on his hands.

His pacts are pretty simple and upfront. Sign on the dotted line and they get some of his wicked gamblers’ luck and more riches than one human life span could do much with. While he gets a glorified accountant and a nice percentage of their profits. It’s a win-win… for him.

See he forgets to mention that there are two sides to every coin, and his flip side is particularly detrimental to one’s health. He just so conveniently glosses over that his luck will wear out over time depending on how frequently the pact holder uses it.

But the hunger for more doesn’t. If anything that particular sensation grows into an all-consuming fire in the pit of their pitiful guts. It forces them back into the seedy basements or griming gambling halls. One more roll, one more stack of bills, just one more time and they will hit pay dirt surly! But the losses just keep coming. If one of his pact holders ends up face down in a ditch after one too many bad hands and uncontrollable greed… well ain’t nobody’s fault but their own.

He has a softer spot for humans that seek him out and treat him like a living being instead of some tool to be tossed around at will. It’s refreshing. He will actually take some care with these pacts and tell them to temper their use of his magic so they can get the most out of it in the long run. They still might run into misfortune and he is genuinely sorry for that but there is only so much he can do in the end.

With MC he doesn’t even tell them about what his pact can do or how to use it. He doesn’t want anything bad happening to his human. If they want something tell him he will do it himself no magic or pact summoning required. He wants to keep them happy and healthy for as long as his lifespan will allow.

If MC should find how to use his pact mark he will get pissed. Not so much at them but the situation in general. He’ll be upfront about the whole thing, judge him how they want but he refuses to let greed consume them too. He focuses a lot of time and energy on learning how to reel in his magic with them so they get some of the perks but none of the major downsides. Unlike with his other pacts where he lets it all just run wild (just means they use up their contact faster and he can move on to even bigger fish).

Leviathan- Pact of Wisdom and Skill

Surprisingly, despite his antisocial tendencies with “normies”, he gets around when it comes to contracts. Perhaps it’s jealousy at his other brothers or perhaps he finds collecting contracts a bit of a game on its own.

He has a small niche of people interested in his pacts. Pacts with him give people a strategic advantage in nearly any situation. Seemingly overnight his humans turn into near tactical geniuses. Because of that, he is very popular with military leaders and humans with dangerous careers.

He also makes mini contracts with foot soldiers and humans with dangerous oceanic jobs. They just want to make it out alive and he gets that. With contracts like these, he is more lenient and doesn’t ask for much. Make an offering of fancy food to Henry 2.0 or wait in line for a rare human figuring he wants. Wam-bam thank you ma’am kinda business.

This is completely different from his larger contracts. With the military contracts, he expects them to continue with their duties until they die in the field. Simple as that, he doesn’t mince words in his contract. It’s what he would do as General so he expects it from them. Should they try to define him he will get rid of them.

He takes delight in defiant contract holders. They think they are as clever as he is now. But they forget that they are using his magic. He could take his magic away right after they defy him sure...but he won’t. He lets them stew for a bit, thinking they have had the last laugh on envy. If they wish to play games with a General then he will make sure it’s good.

With MC he plays on easy mode, granting them insight and little touches of his magic during exam week or when playing a game against his brothers. He wants nothing in return from them but some quality hangout time.

Satan- The Pact of Retribution

As the only pure-blooded demon out of the seven, he does these pacts out of necessity like most other demons. While the others do it more so out of monetary gain and an obligation to the crown. Or if you’re Belphie, sheer enjoyment.

He does it because he hungers, it a hole in his very self that he is trying to fill. He hunts for one reason only- relief from his cardinal sin. He will never feel the calm after a storm of rage naturally. Patience and tranquility are the antitheses of his very creation. So he gets it artificially through his contracts.

He looks for the downtrodden, angry, and the most bitterly despondent humans he can find and gives them the chance to seek vengeance. He is very upfront with what his pact entails. Once the vengeance is complete his rage will consume them and they will become another soul for him to consume.

He isn’t cruel about the process or tries to trick a human into a mark. Very few of the ones he approaches turn him down even after hearing the details. It is possible that humans once shot to get even and he gets to feel bliss, to feel calm. He finds out that the longer or more obscure the plan for retribution is the sweeter the outcome is for Satan.

If he is feeling super ornery he will go after people affected by the outcomes of Lucifer’s pacts. They are easy prey and almost as wrathful as Satan himself. Bonus it aggravates Lucifer to no end when he has to go out of his way to clean up the mess Satan’s contract made of his own.  Anything to piss him off makes Satan feel all the better.

With MC he doesn’t need to use his pact magic. Mostly because they are always around him in the Devildom, and no one is stupid enough to mess with someone Satan favors. If someone or something does irritate his MC he will take it out before it can fester into something his magic will try to latch onto. Keeping you calm and happy makes him feel almost tranquil as well.

Asmodeus- Pact of Gratification

Another very popular pact to try to get, and how could it not? He is fabulous~ But as much as people try to find him, he only goes for a certain type of contract. He has his perfectly manicured fingers on the pulse of the fashion and beauty industry.

His name is a whisper among the up and comers in the business. Many-while not looking for a pact - at least want to see him at least once. Many never will, they get cut from their agency or quit before they could get a foothold. It happens, and he hates to see it. Everyone deserves to feel gorgeous, or at least get a chance to be in the same room as him!

But for the ones the perceiver and climb the ranks get invited to one of his many parties. They can only get invited by someone wearing his mark. He trusts them to know who would be amenable to his contract.

His pact grants its bearer a glamor that can’t be broken by any meer mortal or mage. It makes them absolutely irresistible. How they wield that power is completely up to the user, he won’t judge or intervene.

Once they sign the contract all his holders see him frequently. He absolutely loves dropping in on their shoots or fancy dinners to say hi or get a recap on how they are fairing. Not because he is a nice demon or just super friendly (though they would like to think so). No, he just likes to watch.  

His payment is slow, methodical and no one sees it happen until it is already complete. In exchange for beauty and the graduation of getting whatever their little hearts could as for he gets their ability to love, whether that be familiar or sexual. Asmo loves the feeling of being loved; he wants it in all ways possible.

Some pact holders don’t have an issue with this. They got their looks, a successful career, and people to manipulate to their heart’s content. Not having strong contentions with anyone works in their favor. But others don’t and while they search for him to try and get that little slice of humanity back he is long gone. He got what he wanted anyway.

MC is his darling. He can and will make a special contract just for them (reviewed by Lucifer). A beautiful new contract for a beautiful soul! He wants you as unchanged as possible because this MC is the one he fell for.

Beelzebub- Pact of Prowess

His pact is a very elusive one as he isn’t keen on going and looking for one. Beel isn’t a big fan of these trades, but he needs them every once and a while. Nothing is more filling than a contracted soul.

His trade is basic, make a pact and you get his strength. He, like Satan, is upfront about what his payment is and what side effects will plague them. He sees no reason to lie about it. The more they draw on his power the more the host's body gorges itself. Their bones will collapse in on themselves from the stress of it- the magic feeds on anything in the host bodies. It will deplete the iron in the blood, go after the calcium in the bones, sink its teeth in their muscle system.  

It’s all rather gruesome and Beel does feel bad about it. He tells though who are still adamant about binding with him ways they can negate some of the side effects by taking supplements and augmenting their diets.

But it is like patching a deep cut with a bandaid, it just won’t work. His stomach is near bottomless- humans most certainly aren’t. They simply can’t eat enough to sustain their body like he can.

It surprises him that people still seek him out. To some, the pros outweigh that very huge cons. Some really do believe that they can find a loophole or find the right mix of medication to offset it.

He doesn’t get beaten up about it anymore but it gets on his nerves how obstinate humans can be about his very clear warnings. When his magic finally consumes them he takes both the body and soul back down with him and feasts on both.

With MC he keeps an eye out on them. Consistently checking in, making sure they don’t skip a meal, and join him at the gym often. He wants them to be strong and healthy enough to not ever want to use his pact. Though he does speculate that their angelic bloodline buffers both his and his brother’s magic a good bit.

Belphegor- Pact of the Visionary

Dreamers come in every shape and size and from different walks of life. But they are are all suckers to Belphie. He is known as the Lord of Decet for a reason.

He will promise them everything and anything their heart desires. That invention that will change the world? Done. A patent that is long overdue. Easy enough. A sudden rush of ingenuity to complete that nagging project. He is a devil of his word, it will be done. It- just won’t be done in the way they would want it.  

See manipulating the physical realm is hard work. Like a lot of hard work. More than he would ever do for some stupid little human. It’s a lot easier to control outcomes in his realm.

The moment the contract is signed his hosts fall under his control and he takes it from there building a perfect little dream world for them to frolic in and believe they are getting what they want. He feeds off of them here, taking little sips from their energy and exploring these new fresh dream worlds. His dreamscapes get boring every once and a while, so having a new human under his influence is always refreshing.

While his humans thrive inside their minds their bodies waste away in bed as his magic draws them further and further into an endless sleep.

He doesn’t see anything wrong with his contracts. Who would argue with him that the dream realms aren’t real in their own sense? Did his humans not accomplish their goals in the end? He doesn’t think of the outside effects of his magic and pacts. Belphie really doesn’t care about what families he broke apart or lives he inadvertently affected.  

MC is different to him though. He doesn’t keep them under his spell hardly ever (maybe if they are spending too much time with Dia or Lucifer. But he doesn’t push it with them.).He still walks into their dreams whenever he feels but he comes just to visit, not to change. He simply just enjoys keeping you company and relaxing in the little mini paradise you always seem to create in your dreams.

[iamnotawomanimagod]

If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power - A Reluctant Ranking of Every Track

Disclaimer: This entire album is incredible, truly no skips, and I also think it’s an album that is hard to separate into individual tracks, because it all goes so well together. But I still wanted to try! This is just my personal opinion, and it’s subject to change. (Also I surprised myself. And I bet I’ll change my mind by tonight.)

Please feel free to do your own and tag me in it!! I wanna see!!

13. Girl is a Gun

It’s not that I dislike this song, it’s just a sound that I didn’t expect on this album. I think it would’ve fit in better on Manic. I don’t love how it kind of just repeats over and over again, especially on an album so full of complex, intricate lyrics. But it’s a really upbeat, sexy song and I bet it’s going to be so fun live.

Favorite lyric: 

Time is a blessin', to me, it's a lesson And I can't be stressin' to give you attention 'Cause, oh, it's never enough, so I'm givin' you up And you'll be better with a nice girl, darlin'

12. Lilith

Similar to “Girl is a Gun,” I simply wasn’t expecting this kind of sound on this album - could’ve seen it on Hopeless Fountain Kingdom though! The bass is amazing and I love the rhythm.

Favorite lyric:

You know I get too caught up in a moment I can't call it love if I show it I just fuck things up, if you noticed Have you noticed? Tell me have you noticed?

11. Darling

This song is so sweet and charming, especially if you compare it to “More,” which I think it acts as a sort of sequel to. Something about the melody hits me just a little wrong. When they start singing, I can’t help but hear the verses of “Hopeless.” That might’ve been intentional, but I can’t get past it to hear this song as its own thing.

Favorite lyric:

Never knew the feeling of a stable home Been a couple years of living on the road Couldn't really tell you where they'd leave a stone To visit me when I am dead and gone

10. The Tradition

I love the haunting piano and vocals. It feels like a song that was written for the film specifically. (Was it even in the film, lol?) I really love the sound of it, but the lyrics don’t do very much for me.

Favorite lyric:

And I hope what's left will last all summer long And they said that, "Boys were boys", but they were wrong

9. The Lighthouse

This song reminds me the most of a Nine Inch Nails song - fitting that Trent Reznor provides backing vocals on the final verse. I love the grimy guitars, and and discordant beat, and the way it builds up. The melody is cool and liquid. The final verse really feels like waves crashing. It’s a well-written song that really shows off Halsey’s alternative side.

Favorite lyric:

Well, that should teach a man to mess with me He was never seen again And I'm still wandering the beach And I'm glad I met the devil 'Cause he showed me I was weak And a little piece of him is in a little piece of me

8.  Ya’aburnee

This song makes me really emotional. It makes me think of all the people I love the most and it makes me want to cherish my time with them even more. That’s an incredible feeling for an artist to create. It’s such a bittersweet song. I wanna cry but it also makes me smile.

Favorite lyric:

But what's worse? Telling you my feelings or to die without revealing That you crawled inside my head and set a fire there, instead Letting all my insecurity Devour me with certainty

7. honey

If you’ve ever felt this way for someone, this song stings in the best way possible. I love the rhythm and the drums and the guitars - this is peak pop punk and Halsey fits right in. I love the honey imagery, especially that she included some imagery about bees and the way honey clings.

Favorite lyric:

And now she's impatient and I'm complacent With just a little taste of wasting time Looking for honey But she stings like she means it She's mean and she's mine

6. 1121

Now this is the sound I expected from this album. Cinematic, dark, dramatic. The piano is so haunting and so beautiful. It evokes so much imagery through sound alone, even with the lyrics being relatively simple. And their voice is so incredible. The song overall reminds me a lot of Evanescence, which is high praise. And I really appreciate the “self-loathing in love” theme, I can relate to it a lot. I’ve already been singing the chorus at the top of my lungs whenever I play this song.

Favorite lyric:

Take one in the temple My tongue is a vessel I try to be careful with The thing inside my chest You shoot for the memory So you can forget me I'd leave if you let me, oh

5. Bells in Santa Fe

Ever since we heard a snippet of this song in the first film trailer, I’ve been desperate to hear the rest of it. It didn’t disappoint. I love her lower register vocals, the tinkling piano and the frantic rhythm. And I relate too much to the message of the song - loving someone so much but refusing to accept that they want forever with you, insisting that they’re better off without you, warning them that you could slip away at any moment. It hits me where I live.

Favorite lyric:

Jesus needed a three day weekend To sort out all his bullshit, figure out the treason I've been searching for a fortified defense Four to five reasons But, Jesus, you've got better lips than Judas I could keep your bed warm, otherwise I'm useless I don't really mean it, 'cause who the fuck would choose this?

4. I am not a woman, I’m a god

This song fucks. Claiming their power to create life - recognizing that as godly and divine, while also insisting this is not a power that makes them a woman. I can’t wait for it to become a smash hit and for people to be singing about a nonbinary/trans experience without even knowing it. I honestly have trouble even articulating why this song is so awesome, it just is. I’m pumped every time I hear it.

Favorite lyric:

Oh, I just wanna feel something, tell me where to go 'Cause everybody knows something I don't wanna know So I'll stay right here cause I'm better all alone Yeah, I'm better all alone

3. You asked for this

I really like the 90s alternative sound of this one, it reminds me of Alanis Morrissette and certain No Doubt songs. I think it’s a very realistic depiction of how settling down in life can be very bittersweet, and the things that we ask for are sometimes not what they seem to be. But we also come to realize that settling is a part of growing up. Still, Halsey sings about wanting everything, knowing there are contradictions in that. The chorus is fun and easy to sing to, and the final verse is so amazing.

Favorite lyric:

I want a beautiful boy's despondent laughter I want to ruin all my plans I want a fist around my throat I want to cry so hard I choke I want everything I asked for

2. Whispers

This one hits hard, but god, it’s so good. The way they whisper certain phrases. The simple piano under the first verse, the way it becomes more complex, the way the beat comes in. You want to dance and cry at the same time. The lyrics - I know so many of us can relate to them. The themes of self-sabotage and self-loathing are so strong in this album, which definitely hits me right in the chest.

Favorite lyric:

I've got a monster inside me That eats personality types She is constantly changing her mind on the daily Think that she hates me I'm feeling it lately Might have to trick her and treat her To 70 capsules or fly to a castle So at least we could say that we died being traveled

1. Easier than Lying

I’ve had this one on repeat since the album came out, and that surprised me at first, but god, this song is addictive. The crunchy guitar at the beginning, the driving rhythm, the way her voice contrasts with that. The scream-singing on the chorus. It’s the kind of song you want to drive way too fast to. The bridge!! Aaah! It’s just so badass and listening to it now gets me too hyped!! Also the way it can kind of be seen as a sequel to “Lie,” - the growth of going “if you don’t love me no more, then lie” to “losing you is easier than lying to myself” is so meaningful and so empowering.

My heart is massive but it's empty A permanent part of me, that innocent artery Is gasping for some real attention Some undivided hypertension I tell it "quiet down, you're being loud" But it beats harder every time you come around But do you love the sound?

I’m gonna tag some mutuals, just to share, and also to see if anyone else wants to do this! Also you don’t need to go as in-depth as I did if that’s intimidating or too much, I’m just wordy.

@demonzplay @easiersthanlying @ttpane @yoursalwaysleo @anarkyandmadness @feelingsiwontforget @tolerateit @tommyhardyx @elysiems @imacreepygirl @finallybeautifulstranger @inthenameofloveforthesakeofpower and I know I’m forgetting some folks, I’m sorry! Please feel free to steal this and also tag me in yours!

[deadorcaffeinated]

Cold Comfort

Pairing: Tony Stark x Platonic!Reader

Summary: Tony confides in you about attacking Bucky in Siberia. You have power over the electromagnetic spectrum, after being experimented on by Hydra for having overdeveloped empathy, and you are currently on house arrest in the Tower after the events of Civil War.

Word Count: 1258

A/N: This is kind of a non canon scene from a fic I’m in the process of writing. I just needed some comfort Tony lol.

“I lost it. If Steve hadn’t stopped me… “ he shook his head. “God help me, I would’ve killed him.”

The two of you stood at the wide expanse of windows looking out over the city, the same windows that Loki had thrown Tony through as easily as a kid with an errant baseball just a few years earlier.

He’d poured a scotch for you and himself, and though Tony usually took his neat, he’d plopped a couple of ice cubes into both of your glasses this time around. The summer heat had been brutal that day.

“You’re glad that Steve stopped you?” You asked softly. Tony didn’t meet your eyes, but stared out the window, taking a long pull of his drink. Ice clinking against the sides of his tumbler was the only sound cutting through the quiet.

“I definitely wasn’t at the time. Then, it was a betrayal. All I could see was red,” he swallowed hard, and you saw a vulnerability in Tony that you’d never witnessed in the man before. “All I could see was the monster who killed my mom.”

And the Tony you knew slipped away for a moment, his expression stormy. A mix of guilt and anger and utter sadness engulfed the planes of his face, and you laid a hand gently on his shoulder. He didn’t respond, but didn’t pull away either.

“It wasn’t his fault. I know that now. If Steve hadn’t stopped me… I would’ve killed an innocent man.”

“You would’ve stopped,” you said, pulling your hand back to yourself and sounding more sure than you felt.

He smiled without mirth, a bitterness to it. “No. No, I wouldn’t have.”

“Bucky is being treated, according to Steve,” you said, hoping the change in subject wouldn’t be too jarring. That this news might soothe Tony in the slightest.

Steve hadn’t shared the details with you— Just that King T’Challa had offered him the facilities of Wakanda to help his long-time best friend recover from years of mind control. You were skeptical at first, given that the same man had so recently been bent on killing Bucky to avenge his father’s death, but Steve assured you that when the new king had learned the truth of the attack on the UN, he’d quickly proceeded to offer this kindness to them.

You wished all world leaders had such a head on their shoulders.

“He said he remembered all of them.” Tony murmured, before draining his glass and turning to look at you.

“He does.”

Your short interactions with the former Winter Soldier all painted a picture of a man haunted by the horrible things his hands had done without permission of the person they belonged to. You shuddered to think that this had almost been your fate as well— if you hadn’t escaped that facility when you did, you would have simply been another mindless tool at Hydra’s disposal.

Tony nodded and studied his empty tumbler, swirling it as if there were still liquid inside. “I never meant for any of you to end up in that floating prison.”

“I know.”

“Did they do anything to you?” He asked abruptly. His tone was deceptively light, though an edge lurked underneath, revealing a note of anger and regret.

Tony was hardly one to openly show remorse. He usually bottled those kinds of emotions— something about his need to uphold the careless, playboy exterior. To be right, always. But at this moment, he looked anything but carefree. Right now, his shoulders hunched as if bracing for an impact, and he couldn’t quite meet your eyes.

“Besides the collar and straight jacket?” You said, catching a flicker of something in his expression. “No.”

He slumped as if in relief, though retained a line of tension through his back and brow line.

“I’m sorry, kid,” and he genuinely looked it.

“I know, Tony.” You stepped closer to him, but kept your gaze out the window, watching as streaks of sunset began to peak over the skyline of New York. “Believe me, I wanted to be angry at the time. But you were just trying to keep the band together. Nothing about it was easy for anyone.”

Sparing a glance at him, Tony seemed to relax the slightest bit. You continued, “I can’t blame Cap, either.”

He scoffed softly, more tired than angry. “Stubborn son of a bitch.”

You smiled. “He’s not the only one.”

Tony hummed in agreement.

“Do you think they’ll ever get a pardon?” This was something that kept you up at night. Your friends fending for themselves, on the run in some other country, while you kept a cushy life in house arrest at the Tower.

“I’m sure as soon as the world needs help battling Godzilla or Megatron or Space Asshole the Third, they’ll miraculously find room in their hearts to grant as many pardons as needed.” The bitterness in his voice was palpable.

You and Tony stood there, and you knew that both of you were thinking about the same things… How complicated it had all become, how you missed your friends, wondering how you all had ever allowed it to get to this point.

And it didn’t help that Pepper and Tony were still on rocky terms. She was usually there to keep him grounded, in more ways than one— helping him from floating into the sky and from sinking to rock bottom. Without her around, he seemed… lost. Sometimes he disappeared into his shop for days, drowning himself in his builds so that he didn’t have to confront the feelings and problems that waited for him outside.

When this happened, you wouldn’t try to pull him out of the shop, as that was an exercise in futility. Instead, you opted to keep him company for a few hours, reading quietly, watching shows or YouTube videos, or just watching him work.

You would bring him a dish from whatever restaurant you ordered delivery from, or a portion of dinner you’d cooked, and either eat quietly or banter about frivolous things. Occasionally, he would explain what he was working on, or wax poetic about ACDC, but usually he just played music.

Sometimes, Tony would dance to the music, or ‘groove’ as he called it, causing you to grin and roll your eyes at him. But every so often, he would make you get up and learn some of what he called his “signature” moves. This usually left you both laughing and momentarily forgetting about everything that caused your collective melancholies.

And sometimes he would randomly say, “What’s the sitch’, Sparks?” (His nickname for you ever since you’d met and he’d observed your powers) and you would just go on about whatever book you were reading, or TV show you were binging on that given day. He would nod or ask a question or make a joke, so you knew he was paying attention, but it didn’t really matter to you either way. It was nice just to talk.

You cherished those moments that made you feel less alone in your ick. Your boring sort of depression.

There was so much to worry about, so many stressors or threats— be they existential or very real— and all of those weights sat heavily on you both. Even now, you could feel his despondency when you tuned into his energy field with your ability

Then Tony broke the heavy atmosphere with a clap on your shoulder.

“Come on, Sparks,” he took both your empty glasses over to the bar, placing them into a tray to be washed. “We can mope some more over dinner.”

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 14 reactions: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME BUT ALSO I’M CRYING edition

- the good good din characterization is back after all the weirdness last episode!!!! that soft way he says ‘no, no, I’m not mad at you’? THAT’S din djarin, he would not be fucking impatient with his son having just been informed and seen for himself that he is terrified, go away mr filoni I know you’ve got all of canon memorized but you don’t get this lol. this feels much more right in how din being conflicted and still thinking he should give the baby away for his own good plays out too  

honestly every line of dialogue for him in this one was perfect I was just whispering ‘I love this awkward clueless wonderful man just doing his best’ to myself any time he said anything. “...does this look Jedi to you?” sir I adore you more than words can describe

- we got din chuckling. asjdklfhsdkafghsdafsadhjkfsdahjkfh. fskahfksjad. side note: I can’t believe my joke post about din desperately trying to Force home school the kid with the one (1) jedi trick he knows about and the baby being delighted by it over and over anyway -- listen to his expectant excited laugh when din takes the ball and sets up the game!!!! -- was canon all along. and then the baby & mando music kicking in when he gently put the silver ball into the baby’s hands again and tells him he’s special (because he IS special. to din)? hmng. hmmmmnnnnn  

they opened on the height of softness so we would all crumple under the weight of the rest of the episode and that was very mean of them in a way I sincerely appreciate 

- nothing to see here... just a dad trying to walk through the literal manifestation of the unassailable underlying forces of the universe to get to his baby again and again........ the desperation in that, the love, the foolhardy devotion................... shit

- okay so I might be a dumbass, but I’d never noticed this before -- the silver ball has a blue spot on the top, like so: 

and in addition we get the room where the baby goes full darth grogu (I have to laugh so I don’t cry okay) on those storm troopers, and there’s a red light in there dominating the room (and it did even more in the concept art):

in star wars blue means light side and red means dark side (it’s very sophisticated that way), meaning the visual storytelling here is that there’s a battle for the baby’s soul and gideon and all his nonsense (and the trauma bb’s been through in the wider sense) is pulling towards the dark, while grogu and din’s connection leads him towards the light. just... the image of the baby looking at his own reflection in the symbolic representation of his relationship to din? the way children find their sense of self through being safely reflected and held by their caretakers? god help meeeeeee I will go in there and fistfight gideon myself for disrupting that in any way  

the smaller light seems to be blue too, like there’s still the presence of light even if it’s dimmed and small in that shitty horrible room, which is a change from the concept art!

- FENNEC SHAND SURVIVED BITCHES!!! I even called that she’d be back with new shiny robot parts back in season 1, could not happen to a cooler lady, I hope we get more backstory and interaction from her the next episodes -- sounds like she’s basically sworn herself to boba’s service in gratitude for saving her life, I wonder if that’s a cultural thing of whereever she comes from? does she live aboard slave 1 now too?? because that would be hilarious and amazing, it must be like two strange cats trying to get used to sharing the same space   

- everything I could ever hope for about boba fett in this series came true, they went down the much more interesting and nuanced route with jango and boba’s identities as mandalorians, he looked cool as fuck and made din as a character shine rather than overshadowing him... amazing beautiful yesss 

(I did 100% not anticipate just how ‘cool uncle boba here to help you fuck shit up’ he was going to be but I am delighted to get it anyway. uncle points deducted for getting someone to point a gun at the baby, but the main point still stands lol) 

the power and brutality of his hand to hand fighting too... a w e s o m e , I enjoyed the action scenes a lot in this one

- they even recanonized him actually wearing jango’s armour. what more could I ask for. I’ve had confused parent & child feels about these two since I was like eleven and here we fucking go again. and jango fighting in the mando civil wars too!

- so I’m grieving the razor crest (and I always will be, rip you magnificent jalopy, always in my heart) but also there’s the grim satisfaction that my reading on it was sort of true -- it is (...was. oh god it’s going to take a while to sink in huh) a symbol of din’s self and life, and at this point when they take the baby it tears everything else to pieces. the only thing that’s left in the ashes is the beskar and the thing that connects him to the baby. and there’s... a strange solace in seeing that that’s all he needs to keep going? he’s fucking obliterated from orbit but he still has his love for the baby and the beskar and that can keep him going until he finds something new, everything else can be replaced?????? weirdly healing, though he is probably going to have a solid breakdown at some point after they get the kid back (shut up they are getting the kid back) and the cold distant fog lifts 

also this scene/shot feels like it carries some Meaning, doesn’t it? I’m on record several times saying I never want din to be mand’alor and that’s still true, but there’s something about the framing of this and the way boba looks at him that’s like... hm. I’m not sure I have the words for it. there’s something heightened about it, anyway, for a moment he looks like something mythic there in the wreckage 

(something I would be much cooler with is our clan of two growing a little bit and those new people rallying behind him, actually, that might be neat. imagine if a force user does show up for the baby and gets adopted into the clan somehow??? so many possibilities.) 

- from the way he picks up the silver ball... din djarin is on his way to straight up murder some people huh

I think part of what reassures me about this scene is the music -- this mando flute is not distant, is not beaten, is not despondent, it’s clear and determined and strong.

- 

I love this. I love when we get explicit baby POVs, it makes it feel so real and intimate and... like home. (I especially loved baby’s point of view inside the razor crest, which just made me tear up again. baby lost the closest thing he’s had to a home in a long long time on top of it all. everything is suffering)

-

Emotionally Significant Thumb Grabbing tm; the show

- din djarin looking for the ‘on’ switch on a magic rock fhsdakjfhsadlfhsdjah I can’t breathe

 “Well, this is the seeing stone. Are you. Seeing anything?” fsafkdsajhfsa sdhfksjalhfkjsdahfkjsdhf

- the energy around the baby as he’s, in ahsoka’s words, ‘choosing his path’ is blue, and the force sort of works across time and space, right?? so there’s definitely still hope for our lil green bean to not have to come up with a really dumb unsubtle sith name for himself, as is regrettably yet delightfully tradition. darth babbu should never come to pass (I do like how they’re interrogating the normal dark/light side dichotomy in this series, seeing as this is a literal baby who can’t really be responsible for that stuff himself yet and has such capacity for both.)  

- listen. listen, the way din says ‘can you please hurry up’ with no sarcasm or real impatience whatsoever, more like a harried worry, to his force-meditating son as he jogs off to make sure no one’s trying to kill them. is hilarious and also YES this is what the character is!!! weirdly and incongruously polite under stress sometimes and with a slightly odd reaction pattern to things!!! he’s not just quiet and badass, he’s a little strange sometimes and it’s so good!  

- a friendly opening volley warning shot from boba there

also din uncertainly asking BOBA FETT if he’s a jedi... now this is the dramatic irony I’ve been looking for haha 

I guess neither shand nor boba actually know din’s name after this either. baby you gotta start introducing yourself at some point it gets real confusing when there are two mandos on screen 

oh the long weary sigh going through din’s frame when boba says he wants ‘the armour’ and he thinks it’s just someone trying to peel the beskar off his corpse again. sorry the galaxy’s so shitty dad   

- “But fate sometimes steps in to rescue the wretched” is a killer line well done mr favreau. I like that boba actually offers din a good deal as well and seems to intend to deliver on it from how things are going. 

- din using his beskar-covered bod to cover someone he’s fighting alongside!!! literal moving cover haha. also I love fennec’s costume design  

- I don’t know where din got more whistling birds from and I don’t care, it was really cool haha 

-

wow haha um so anyway -- 

(cue all the ‘who wore it better’ with cobb vanth’s ‘spiderman’s first home made costume’ look on one side and ABSOLUTE UNIT DADDY boba fett on the other side posts lol)

- aaaghh the music almost like a stunned desperate fluttering heart beat as din watches the razor crest be destroyed 

- for someone who has willingly worked for them in the past boba sure sounds less than thrilled about having the empire back in any capacity 

- oof the deadness in din’s voice when he says “The child is gone”. ooooh no that got me  h e l p 

- guessing next episode is at least partly a ‘gathering old allies and preparing the assault’ step before the grand finale, then! they cannot go for the season ender cliffhanger with this, I will fucking riot. anything can be up in the air except baby and dad being separated, I will not allow it

it would be very funny if the force user baby called out to comes stumbling into the middle of all this like the troy entering the room with pizzas meme too 

- the music in the darth grogu scene is partially a dark mirror of the baby & mando music :’( is nothing in this world sacred

also from how he reaches out for it baby might have used a light saber before in the past with the jedi? ngl the idea of baby wielding the dark saber not when he’s all grown up but in like two episodes -- with all the chaos a toddler holding a laser sword would involve -- is all that is keeping me sane here 

‘liable to put an eye out with one of these’ well gideon you sure have doomed someone to lose an eye with that one, here’s to hoping it’s you, for full dramatic payoff 

he is a deliciously smug awful force with great musical cues tho, you have to give it to him

- okay so this

is obviously awful and horrible and it makes me so sad... but it is undeniably also very very very funny in how it’s framed. you know what? after all this bullshit baby grogu can have a little dark side tantrum, as a treat, we’ve all been there right

(forget finding a jedi, we need to go out there and find a child psychologist who can help him deal with this without adding the fear that he’s on the path to become a two foot tall evil space sorcerer to the mix Y_________Y) 

- rip the razor crest except for the second time :’’’( gone but never forgotten

- the last thing din tells the baby is “I’m gonna protect you; I’ll be back soon”. and I hope that stays with the kid somehow and that it actually comes true, that din will be back for him as soon as humanly possible and all this pain and fear can be repaired. ggggghhhhh my emotions are too big for my dumb human body 

[chickenmcfly1]

Do you have headcanons or thoughts on Marty's relationship with his family in the original timeline? We only get that quick glimpse of them at dinner, & it doesn't look like there's much warmth there, but do you think he had any sort of close connection with them? Or do you hc that it was basically always dysfunctional?

Thanks for the question! I tend to go back and forth about this a lot. Sometimes, I feel like they all do love each other very much and have a lot in common, and just suck at expressing it, but sometimes I do feel that there’s a lot of dysfunction and maybe even genuine resentment between them. We’ll see lol (I’m also writing this in like 15 mins before my rehearsal, so I didn’t proofread. Enjoy deciphering my typos)

Side note: Did George even like Lorraine? Or did Lorraine just obsess over him like she did Calvin Klein and George just kinda went along with it because she’s cute and popular and saying no would involve confrontation? We know he was infatuated with her, but I hardly believe that infatuation and the Florence nightingale effect are enough to base a marriage on. Anyway,

George

George makes absolutely zero effort to reach out to anyone in his family. It’s not that he doesn’t like them, it’s just that he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t understand how to connect with his wife or be a dad to his kids

When the kids were little, especially Dave, George was pretty good with the kids. They’re cute and they’re babies, and he gets flustered when they cry and they stress him out a bit, but all in all, it’s good. But by the time the babies start turning into actual people, and god forbid, teenagers, George is so stressed and afraid, he’s like “oh no better not get involved”

By the time Marty comes around, his marriage is already falling apart, he’s like “oh no, this parenting thing is really difficult,” I should probably just not, and so they just kinda leave Marty to his own devices

He’s severely preoccupied with his work and that always takes priority over family which upsets Lorraine to no end

Just the fact that George let’s Biff hang around and works for him after what he did to Lorraine makes her really uncomfortable and hurt

Speaking of Biff, Biff tends to be a jerk to the kids as well. We see him poking fun at Marty and Marty look very physically uncomfy when it happens. If he’s really drunk, he has gotten physical with them too. We know, Biff can become a cold blooded murderer at the slightest provocation, so I feel like him shoving around a few teenagers just to be like “haha George look what I’m doing to your kids. Are you gonna do anything about it?” Or just out of resentment bc those are George kids with Lorraine is not out of character. George still won’t say anything

On a more positive note, though, he’s very close with Dave. They both have similar interests and Dave was his first kid, after all.

He recognizes how similar Marty and him are, but instead of taking that as a “oh this kid just needs a push of encouragement, and a confidence boost,” George’s mentality is to just protect Marty from any situation where he will face rejection or disappointment. It’s his way of showing love, but it really just hurts Marty more than anything.

This whole combination of George not standing up for Marty when he’s pushed around by Biff or yelled at by his mom and telling Marty “oh you won’t be successful anyway, just don’t try” really makes Marty feel . . . I hesitate to use the word worthless because that’s such a strong word, but for lack of a better term, his dad insinuating the idea that Marty deserves to be pushed around and that he won’t ever have success so he should just give up makes him feel really worthless and bad about himself

Marty sees this, and decides that he will never be like that and he will never let anyone else be treated the way Marty was. So whenever someone’s in trouble or being mistreated or spoken badly about, Marty will step in. And this whole fear of ending up like his dad and that idea of “I feel weak and powerless and worthless right now, but If I don’t let anybody else even think I’m those things, if I can prove them wrong and they validate me, I’ll feel better about myself” just feeds into Marty’s chicken complex.

With George, I don’t even think he makes an effort to make a change. He doesn’t seem like he would take initiative and fix his relationship with his wife and kids. So George just kinda decides “this is my life now, and it sucks, but what can I do” and sinks into this depressed state, making him even more afraid and withdrawn and perpetuating the cycle more

Lorraine

Lorraine is absolutely miserable. She’s lonely, she feels unloved, she’s in a home where someone she is very uncomfortable with pushes her husband around regularly and she knows if it came down to it, George would not tell Biff to leave her alone

She, unlike George, tries to get her family to do normal suburban family things, but they always fall apart. She’s usually drunk and moody and she and George are incapable of setting things up in a way that’ll make them work, but she’ll get mad when things don’t go how they’re supposed to (which they rarely do) and it’ll usually end in George stuttering in fear, Dave escaping to get to ‘work,’ Linda getting out of there, Marty booking it to Doc’s, and Lorraine being absolutely over it

She’s an alcoholic and she’s barely functional enough to do what’s needed of her, but somehow getting along. A lot of drinking means a lot of hangovers, and a good 60% of the time, she’s either drinking, or pretty out of it.

When she’s drunk, she usually retreats away, but if she ends up in a situation with one of her kids when she’s drunk and just wants to be left alone, she can be very mean and critical. Marty is a sensitive person, and we know he really lets criticism get to him, so this is not the greatest environment for him.

Also Lorraine is probably totally over the guitar thing. I speak from my poor parents experience when I say that dealing with a musician in the early stages is not easy. It involves a lot of hearing them practice the same bar over and over and over and over and over and it can drive you absolutely insane. So when Lorraine is hungover or whatever, she just wants Marty to shut up which makes Marty all the more insecure about his music

She’s also very critical in general. She’s hard on Marty, and will pretty much ignore him unless she’s giving some kind of criticism or yelling at him for something or the other. Marty knows at this point not to argue back because he’ll just get his feelings badly hurt. I mean, when Lorraine shits on Jennifer at dinner, Marty just sits silently, looking supremely uncomfortable, which is nothing like how the Marty we know would react when his loved ones are insulted.

I feel like Marty’s desperation for validation comes from this. The way he keeps trying to wrap his arm around Jennifer, the way he’s so latched on to Doc, people who validate him, it’s clear that Marty has not been told that he’s good enough very often, and he’s very eager to prove he is to others and himself. That also explains why he values other’s opinions of him so much, too.

Anyway, back to Lorraine, Lorraine is so despondent at the state of her life that she just sinks further into her alcoholism and depression, once again making their family situation that much worse. She does try to make things work and do normal family things, but it just doesn’t work out

Money must’ve been tight too. I mean, 5 people on one average at best income living in California can’t have been comfortable, which would’ve probably just added more tension

But yeah, those are some of my thoughts on the matter lol. This family is a hot mess, and I’m so glad Marty has doc to reverse all that trauma lol

[galvanizedfriend]

The Wolf Outtake

This is a little outtake, if you will, of The Wolf universe. It actually fits within the post-TW2 headcanons I've been writing to keep myself happy, so somewhere in S3. It's something that would never fit within the actual story because it's pure domestic fluff. lol I wrote this for @recyclingss, baby Eve's number one fan who yells at me when the child doesn't make an appearance and who’s also the biggest cheerleader this story’s ever had. 💖

This is set much later in the future, and you will notice baby Eve is actually more of toddler Eve here, but I've removed any specific context to make it so this would fit into any point of The Wolf post S2E14, I guess.

Summary: Just random KC+baby moment in The Wolf. It's fluffy, domestic, features the child and Klaus' bitter feelings for Bayou wolves. Nobody asked for it, but I figured, after the WEEK we've all had, maybe people could use some fluff? Hope you guys enjoy it! :)

______________________

Klaus doesn't even realize it's morning already until Caroline stirs next to him, making a lazy hum deep in her throat that pulls him out of his idle reverie. He blinks his surroundings back into focus; the fluorescence that had been filtering in through the windows last time he checked has now been replaced by warm sunlight. He didn’t even notice so much time had gone by.

Caroline rolled onto her side and was quickly lulled into blissful sleep after their late-night exertions. Klaus was distracted by the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest for a long time until his mind was ensnared by its usual culprits, thoughts trapped in the latest batch of torments and woes to take over the Mikaelsons’ lives. 

 When Caroline opens her eyes and offers him a slow smile, Klaus feels himself touch ground again.

 "'Morning," she slurs in that husky voice, still thick with sleep.

 "Good morning, sweetheart," he replies with a short grin.

 Caroline yawns as she stretches out her body under the thin sheet covering her modesty.

 "Did you sleep at all?" she asks, blinking sluggishly at him.

 "I'm well-rested, if that's what you're asking."

 "It's not." Caroline props herself up on one elbow to stare levelly at him. Some of that drowsiness in her eyes dissipates, disappointment panging through him for bringing her back to the harshness of reality so fast. This is why, sometimes, especially on those not-so-rare nights when he ends up not getting any sleep, he'd rather not stay in bed. It allows the reprieve that slumber offers Caroline to last a little while longer. "Is it about Elijah?" she inquires, a knowing look on her face.

 Klaus' eyes wander away from hers. "It's about everything," he states vaguely, but not untruthfully. 

 Caroline hums unconvinced. "While I know you don't need to sleep, I also know it spells nothing but trouble when you can’t. It’s never good when you spend the whole night thinking."

 "Well, not the whole night," he says with a suggestive leer. "I did spend a good portion of the time engaged in far more pleasant activities."

 She rolls her eyes at him, but her smile is more than a little satisfied when she leans into him. "You're not as smooth as you think, Mikaelson."

 "I beg to differ." Caroline chuckles, shifting under the sheets to press herself against his side, placing a kiss on his shoulder, then his neck, his jaw. Klaus snakes a hand around her back, pulling her closer still, feeling the familiar stirrings of heat in his underbelly. "Shall I prove my point?" he all but purrs.

 Caroline smirks against the corner of his mouth, her palm coming to rest on his chest. Klaus covers her hand with his, angling his face to take her mouth into a kiss. Her breasts pressing against his skin sends a tingle shooting through his body, and his other hand is already sliding down her spine, ready to guide her to straddle him, when lively conversation in the next room makes them pause.

 "Oh-oh," Caroline mutters. "I guess that means Mr. Wolfy is up early today."

 Klaus lets out a disappointed sigh.

 Eve doesn't cry so much when she wakes up anymore. Now, she either stays quietly in her crib until someone sees to her, or she starts playing with her toys. A social butterfly like her mother, she loves to engage in complex conversations with that hideous stuffed wolf Jackson gave her and her absolute favorite toy, the wooden knight Klaus carved for Rebekah when they were children.

 When he started to wake up to the sound of her talking to herself, he became worried, thinking maybe she was seeing things they weren't - which, in New Orleans, could mean a number of horrifying deals. But Caroline assured him that it is perfectly normal for young children to talk to inanimate objects, especially one who lives exclusively amongst adults.

 Apparently, it's good exercise for her imagination, or something.

 When Klaus is watching her, he will make a point to take part in her debates, always highlighting Mr. Knight's grandeur compared to Mr. Bog Scum. 

 "Sweetheart, this filthy dog here is the enemy. He wants to shroud you in flannel, carry you away to the swamp and bore you to sleep. Mr. Knight is here to save you from this stinky animal's claws."

 He's convinced one day she'll understand what he means.

 What’s most troublesome, however, is that Eve has started to attempt to climb out of her crib on her own. They always lock the other door to her bedroom when she's asleep, but the door connecting her room to Caroline's is always left unlocked for safety reasons. One of these days, Klaus thinks, their little wolf is going to catch mommy and daddy in very compromising positions. The idea mortifies him, especially because he and Caroline can get a tad carried away. They are a hybrid and a near-hybrid, after all. Too much energy and whatnot.

 "No rest for the wicked," Caroline speaks around a sigh before peeling away from him. Klaus watches her naked form with wistfulness as she climbs out of bed, his prospect of a lovely morning enterprise disappearing alongside the shape of her beautiful breasts as she shrugs on a fleece robe.

 Caroline vamps off to the en suite bathroom to freshen up a bit and then follows to Eve's room.

 "Good morning, sweet cheeks!" she greets their daughter sunnily. "Good morning to you, too, Mr. Wolfy!" Oh, for goodness' sake, Klaus curses inwardly. "And Mr. Knight!" Much better.

 Minutes later, Caroline returns with Eve, comfortable in fresh diapers, right on her heels, carrying Mr. Inconvenient and Mr. Knight.

 When she sees Klaus, she takes off towards the bed, her little legs getting more and more agile by the day. He pulls the sheets and covers up to his chest while she tries to hoist herself up. With ease, using just one hand, Klaus lifts her up and puts her sitting on his stomach.

 "Good morning, my littlest wolf," he says. "Where's my kiss?"

 His daughter leans down and smacks a loud kiss on his cheek, and then holds Mr. Fleabag close to him for a kiss as well. Klaus makes a face. "Not the dog, Eve."

 "Seriously?" Caroline says with a bored air about her. "You're antagonizing a stuffed animal now?"

 "This thing is a health hazard."

 "That thing has a cute little name, Mr. Wolfy, and your daughter loves him."

 "I refuse to treat a swamp dog as though it were a gentleman. Besides, I'm sure she loves Mr. Knight way more, don't you, love? Where's Mr. Hero?" She shouts something that sounds like Miter Nigh before pushing it onto Klaus' face. He cracks a proud smile at her. "There you go." He attacks her with tickles, and Eve bursts with sweet laughter.

 Caroline shakes her head at him, but he notices she's quite clearly biting back on a smile. "You're impossible."

 "I’m quite possible, I assure you," he replies smoothly. "Where are you going?" he asks when she starts tying her hair into a ponytail and taking clothes from her drawers.

 "Running with Marcel."

 "Oh, for goodness' sake," he protests. "Can you believe this, Eve? It's not even seven in the morning and your mother is willingly stepping out of the house to run. I sometimes fear she might be a psychopath."

 She scoffs loudly. "You would know, wouldn't you?" While she walks by him to go into the en suite, she slaps him lightly across the legs. "Stop telling my child that I'm a psycho, psycho."

 "How else am I supposed to explain this insanity? What kind of person runs for pleasure when there is an infinite array of far more gratifying activities to invest your energy into? Just now we were about to -"

 "Not in front of the small child, Klaus!" she chides from the bathroom.

 "She doesn't know what daddy is talking about, do you, love?" Eve giggles while he lifts her up above him, holding her like a flying superhero. "Blissfully clueless."

 Caroline steps back into the room, already in her exercise gear. Klaus lets out an infinitely despondent sigh. He would love nothing more than to get her out of those.

 "It's inappropriate conversation to have in front of the toddler," she remarks, putting on the smartwatch she bought recently to exercise with and measure her sleep patterns or whatever the bloody hell that is. She showed him all of this gizmo’s functionalities, swearing it’s the best thing ever invented by human minds. Klaus thinks it’s adorable, however incomprehensible, that someone with such close ties with the supernatural world would still be so impressed by technology. There’s literally nothing that cannot be sorted through magic. How is a watch that counts steps supposed to awe you once you’ve seen someone brought back from the dead? Caroline’s attachment to her humanity goes way beyond her empathy. "Besides, it was gonna be a quick activity because I'd go meet Marcel anyway,” she adds after a beat.

 "I can make you see stars in five minutes," he leers, a smirk growing on his face.

 Caroline whips her face at him with what is clearly an attempt at outrage but turns into something else when she can't hold her own smile. She can't deny him when his point was proved just the night before. Several times, in fact.

 "Shut up," she retorts simply. "Can you give her breakfast? I left chopped fruits in the fridge. You can wait about an hour after the bottle and give it to her as a little treat - not Fruit Loops."

 "She loves that thing."

 "Of course she does, it's pure sugar. That's exactly why we don't let her have it all the time. She needs to eat real fruits."

 Klaus rolls his eyes, sitting up in bed and putting the baby beside him. "Honestly, sweetheart, your mother sometimes..." 

 Caroline narrows her eyes at him. "You really love to make yourself out to be the cool parent, don't you?"

 "I don't have to make myself out to be anything, love. I am the parent who doesn't deny her the little joys of sugary treats. If that makes me cool, then you’ve only got yourself to blame." 

 "You're the parent who'll spoil her rotten, that’s what. Let's see how you'll feel when she's 16 and her boyfriend is climbing the balcony in her room in the middle of the night because she never learned how to take a no."

 "Oh, I would love for her suitors to climb her window in the middle of the night. It’ll be the last thing they do,” he says, smiling innocently at Eve.

 “You’ll be such a ray of sunshine when she starts dating.”

 “As per usual," he says with a bite of arrogance. "Hold the child so I can get decent, will you?"

 Caroline picks Eve up and keeps her looking firmly the other way while Klaus flashes out of bed and into the bathroom. He hears Caroline teasing her with “Where did daddy go?” and laughing at what he knows is Eve's extremely confused but astonished face. She thinks they're magicians. It's one of her favorite things, to watch as Klaus makes full use of his vampire speed to all but vanish right before her eyes. Modern technology has got nothing on him.

 There's something extremely heartwarming about his daughter's innocence. One day, she'll be old enough to understand why he can do the things he does. When that day comes, Klaus will cease to be a creature of magic and wonder, to become what he truly is: darkness made flesh. 

 He has never been ashamed of what he is, hardly ever had any qualms with filling the villain shoes, quite glad to do it, in fact, but he suddenly finds himself dreading the day when his child will figure out what it means to carry the Mikaelson name. When their family’s history will weigh down on her shoulders as it does on theirs.

 While making people cower in fear at the mere sound of his name has brought him an obscene amount of satisfaction and pride over the centuries, Klaus has to admit he's fascinated by the pure sparkle in his child's eyes. She's the first human being in a millennium who does not see even a fraction of monstrosity in him, no shadow, no taints, no mortal flaws. Not yet, anyway. All she sees is a funny man who makes her laugh and can hold her up with his finger, tells her stories about evil werewolves and keeps her safe and that's enough for her to adore him. Sometimes, he feels unworthy of such love. As though he's a fraud, deceiving his own daughter and taking advantage of her innocence.

 It still astonishes him that he should ever be capable of making something as pure and bright as that little girl. In a thousand years, Klaus Mikaelson has only ever brought misery and pain into this world. Eve is the first genuinely good thing he's ever done. Then, of course, she inherited all of that from her mother, who holds herself open for compassion and kindness even though she is herself in a symbiotic existence with her own beast. Caroline has taken control of her darkness in ways Klaus doesn't think he's ever seen a vampire as young as her do before. She truly is extraordinary, and every day he hopes, from the bottom of his withered heart, that Eve will turn out to be every inch Caroline's daughter more so than his.

 Klaus can still smell last night’s sex all over himself, so he takes a quick shower and puts on a pair of denims and a shirt and vamps back to the room again, just to surprise Eve. She gasps when he materializes next to her, flinching, and then starts laughing like a little maniac, reaching out to him. 

 "Remember," Caroline says as she lets Eve slide over to Klaus' arms. "Bottle, fruits. No Fruit Loops. I'll tell your other child you said hi."

 "A child who enjoys running has clearly learned nothing from me," he grumbles. “Hopefully I’ll do a better job with this one.” 

 “Start by not feeding her Fruit Loops,” Caroline remarks with a grin before she smacks a loud kiss on Eve's cheek and then one on his.

 When she’s gone, Klaus turns to look at his little wolf, watching him with those dark blues of hers as though she's studying her father. Sometimes he wonders if toddlers know more than they let on.

 "Do you want to do magic?"

 "Yes!" she practically screams, her face splitting with a wide, toothy grin.

 "Get ready, then. Are you ready?" She gives him an exaggerated nod. "Keep your eyes open. One, two..." And then he flashes out of the room with her.

______________

✨ Thanks for reading! :) If you’ve enjoyed this silly thing, please drop me a comment! Your reblogs are also much appreciated to help this reach more people. ✨

[fe-semi-decent-scenarios]

How would the blue lions react to facing/killing their s/o from pre-timeskip in battle?

[Wow, this actually upset me pretty hard when thinking about it lol. This kind of trope always gets me even if it’s being done by two characters that I don’t really like. It doesn’t help that there’s a thunder storm outside that’s making me feel emo. Thank you for the request, I hope you like it!] 

Dimitri: 

He’s slaughtered so many enemies that there is no more hesitance. His past self felt remorse for those he killed, and after each battle he would reflect on the dead. Unlike now. 

He still remembers, but he doesn’t feel guilty. They opposed him and stood in the way of his revenge. To Dimitri, the people he faces in battle are nothing but walking corpses awaiting his blade 

The professor had given him orders not to approach any of his old classmates. They wanted to try and save them 

He brushed it off as a wasteful effort

“An enemy is an enemy. I care not for who they are or were, I will kill them if they stand in my way” 

A regret he’ll live with for the rest of his life 

The entire battle was a blurred frenzy. In his state of mind all the cries of those he killed mixed together. He knew not of who or what met his blade 

Only when he saw the distress among his inner circle did he realize: he killed you, and he did it without pause

The professor didn’t get their opportunity to talk with you, and you barely stood a chance against his onslaught 

Another soul to haunt him 

Another loss he has no right to mourn 

Another reason to be called a monster 

Dedue: 

Once reacquainted with his fellow Lions Dedue swore himself to the cause. He would fight without pause till his dying breath 

It seemed that having him back was a boost for moral on their end as well, and he felt genuinely relieved to see that ‘everyone’ was alive and safe 

Originally he assumed that you weren’t recruited for the battle at Gronder and that he could visit you at the monestary. 

When inquiring about your whereabouts to his highness he only received a scowl. It wasn’t something new for Dimitri’s personality so Dedue decided to search during his free time

He spent ages walking around with the expectation of finding you...so, why weren’t you there? 

He’d ask the professor if you’ve gone on another mission only to see one of their rare grimaces

Hearing that you’re fighting for Edelgard confuses him. He was certain that your loyalties lied with the kingdom. With a stoic demeanor he’d drop the topic and never bring it up again 

Dedue may seem like a blind puppy who serves Dimitri, but he does have his own opinions. He just holds them back well 

People mistake it for indifference. Felix takes a few shots at him for his lack of emotion 

“You’re telling me that (Y/N)’s not here and you don’t care? Weren’t they your s/o?”                                                                                                 “My personal feelings do not matter. If they oppose his highness then there is nothing left to discuss”                                                                “You two really are a match made by the goddess. A heartless dog for a feral boar” 

When the time comes to cut you down he hovers near your body after the battle. When your buried the grave will never be empty. Every week comes with fresh flowers, and never is there any debris on your stone 

Felix:

It was your own fault. If you had backed down like the others then this could have been avoided 

If he didn’t do it then someone else would have. If he didn’t then you would have killed him instead

No. No you wouldn’t. 

Felix knows that if the roles were reversed he would still be alive

How many people is he going to lose for the sake of the boar? First his father...now- now this 

He assumed that after not seeing you in battle once that he was in the clear. You weren’t at the reunion so clearly something else must have been keeping you from coming back 

He still could find you after this ended and you both could test your metal like the old days 

It was the one relief he had  

He wasn’t expecting to see you fighting at her side. Despite his stubborn behavior his affections towards you were obvious to everyone during his youth; something the ‘Emperor’ must have saved as a trump card 

It was his responsibility to either make you see reason, or to end it all. He had not come this far just to die from old sentiments 

“I will say this once. Get out of my way (Y/N) or I will cut you down” 

You wouldn’t move or even fight back. They obviously made you into a human blockade. It was a swift death, something he continues to remind himself of

That was his final battle, one that left his sword heavy and thoughts lax 

The future he longed for is gone, so this damn war better have been worth it 

Ashe: 

Ashe doesn’t like violence. He’s a firm believer that everyone is worthy of a second chance and that people sometimes do bad things for the right reasons. A life is a life, and it is precious 

Each morning he wakes is a reminder of how lucky he is to be alive. There is no guaranteed tomorrow, and each day could be his last 

He knows because he watches. He watches as the people he used to call friends die for what they believe in. In their mind they are fighting for what they think is right, just as he is 

but he wasn’t prepared to fight you

Anyone but you. He prayed to the goddess the moment he noticed that you weren’t at the reunion. He wished for your safety, and hoped that you were not on the opposing side

He prayed that the goddess wouldn’t take you to her side 

Despite being away for so long, he still loved you. That feeling was one of the few things he still held onto from his teen years 

All faith was shattered when you appeared at the Valley of Torment. What a fitting scenery for how he felt 

“Professor, let me try to convince them. No matter what happens I have to try” 

and try he did. He begged you to switch sides once you were defeated but it was no use. You were doing what you thought was right 

He couldn’t kill you, his bow wouldn’t hold steady even if he tried. The professor took it upon themselves to do it in his stead 

He was grateful for their interference, but the image of your body won’t ever be erased from his mind 

From then on he visits the church after every battle. He’ll sit at the same pew for hours and reconcile over what he could have done differently 

He’d wonder why good people had to die for another’s benefit 

Sylvain: 

Sylvain finds the situation deplorable. Yet another person fallen to the system

Seeing you on the other side reminded him of Miklan, except you weren’t fighting to gain something. You fought for the side that wanted complete reorder

He thought your loyalties lied with the Kingdom, with him, but people change. The fire behind your attacks only fueled the questions within him. 

Questions that he wasn’t 100% sure that he wanted answers to 

Sylvain knows hatred, but just what happened to make you willing to give up everything? 

He knows better than to blame himself. People didn’t know him for being the perfect partner, but there was nothing he or anyone else could have done to change your mind 

What was he supposed to do? Lock you in the prison?Then what? It would only cause more issues. Seeing you in chains or in a cell isn’t something he could handle 

You were one of the few people to break his barriers and see beyond the stigmas that others gave him. It was his turn to try and see your side of things, but he was too late 

Just one more failure to add to the list. He failed his house, his brother, his friends, country, and now you 

After the encounter he’ll be even more unmotivated than before. He only trains because Felix forces him, and never attends any of the extra lectures offered. His humorous mask basically dissolves to reveal what he’s always been hiding: exhaustion and despondence 

If anyone tries to comfort him they’ll be brushed off

“Look, would you leave me alone? Don’t act like you understand when you can’t”

No one can, and he doesn’t want them to. He wouldn’t wish this hurt onto his worst enemy. 

Annette: 

She knew. It wasn’t the first time someone important had vanished from her life. People do not leave without reason 

She knew that you were on the Empire’s side. She knew that there was a high chance of facing you in combat 

Her father even brought up the possibility when they were alone together. He encouraged her to back down, but she insisted that all would be okay

It did not brace her for the hollow feeling of seeing your corpse 

Normally when Annette is sad she’ll garden. If she can’t sleep then the first thing she does is go water the plants while humming one of her little tunes 

So, she does. She pretends as if you two never reunited because it’s the only way she can push forward. With the situation as it is there is little optimism among the troops, she can’t afford to give in 

She turns her grief into strength and volunteers to help around the monastery 

As long as she’s busy then it’s okay. When she’s working then her thoughts can’t wander 

Eventually it will settle in though, and she’ll want to vent. Out of everyone she’ll most likely go to Mercedes since she also has someone dear to her on the other side 

“I-I don’t know what to do Mercie. It h-happened so fast but I can’t forget it!” 

Annette is strong, and will remember you as you were to her. Not a ruthless enemy, but as someone she cherishes 

Mercedes: 

After the fight she’ll visit your old room. It hadn’t been touched in so long that dust coated nearly everything 

The Empire had claimed Emile, and now you as well. When you fell it took all her willpower not to cast a healing incantation 

It wasn’t what you wanted. The professor had offered mercy, but you chose death 

A freedom she had no right to take away. With swift words she ended your life as peacefully as possible 

It came as a shock to those nearby. If she had let the professor handle the deed then perhaps the pain would be lessened  

But for some reason she couldn’t do it. Despite the tears in her eyes she refused to let you be pierced by a blade. An incantation would be more swift, painless, and leave your body as it was 

While reminiscing in your quarters she’ll tidy up the space. She’ll admire your handwriting on the withered papers, sift through what books you had been reading, and eventually the room will be good enough to be inhabited again 

Except no one would ever sleep here again, she knew it in her heart 

However, Mercedes also knows that it was your choice. She won’t blame herself over your death, but instead use it as a driving force to protect the people she cares about who are still alive 

“May the goddess guide you to eternal peace. I will never forget our time together (Y/N)” 

Ingrid: 

She wonders if it’s ‘her’ that’s the issue 

Everyone she loves is gone. Dimitri is a shell of his former self, Glenn passed, her family’s in shambles, and now you have vanished as well

Ingrid doesn't like to show weakness in front of others, but there’s only so much one person can handle 

Even a war-machine feels anguish from striking down people they care about. Ingrid has felt the hardship of losing a lover, but to be the hand striking the blow? How much strain can someone put on their emotions before everything snaps 

The days after the world is unanimated. She continues on with her normal regime as if it was a minor bump in the road. Yet food has no flavor, training leaves her body weak, sleep is difficult to come by, and when people speak it’s as if there’s no tone to their voice 

He sorrows become rage. She focuses all her negative feelings towards ending the war and it’s horrifying. Ingrid is known for her composure but if you gave her an eye-patch then the prince might have a twin

“This fight has drawn out for too long. Too many innocents have perished, and at the rate we’re going at there will be no future to speak of. Professor, my sword is yours. Let us finish this once and for all”

Pity those who cross her path. If women truly are made of ‘sugar, spice, and everything nice’ then your death has tossed five tablespoons of cayenne pepper into her mix.