#just needed to put this down somewhere
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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THINKING ABOUT YANDERE NEO…
ִ ˙ ✩°˖💿 ⋆。˚ A shameless ‘Don’t Worry Darling’ ripoff from your resident Harry Styles fan :)
After forcibly removing you from The Matrix, Neo’s hope that you would eventually learn to accept your new life in the real world never comes to fruition. So he has to try alternative measures.
His idea comes from the training programs but he tries something a bit more ambitious, he’s The One so he can practically do whatever he wants. He creates a whole simulated suburban town, designed like the 1950s and he keeps you plugged into it. Your mind is wiped of everything that came before and all you know is this simulation, you believe it to be the real world, you believe Neo is your husband and you’re happily married but you keep having such vivid dreams, where you live a completely different life (the life you had in the matrix) in a completely different world that is far more advanced and you have a successful career, you tell Neo about these dreams every morning before he “leaves for work” (unplugs from the simulation) and he acts amused telling you how absurd they sound.
One day you’re running errands when you see Neo’s car parked outside a motel. You watch him enter one of the rooms and your mind thinks the worst, that he is having an affair. Determined to confront him you storm over to the motel and barge into the room you saw him disappear into, prepared to find him with another woman only to be greeted by an empty room. Your feet quickly rush to the bathroom but that’s empty too. Feeling confused you come back to the room and notice the phone hanging off the hook and carefully put it back while your mind races wondering if you were imagining things. You startle when the shrill sound of the phone ringing echos through the room, making your heart leap out your chest. You quickly answer it and everything goes dark.
When you wake up, you’re in an unfamiliar dark room, you can feel the cold air against your skin as your blurry eyes try to look at your surroundings. It’s hard, your eyes hurt, you’re unaware of how long it’s been since you last used them. You look down, realising you’re strapped down to what looks like a dentist chair, you panic and start crying out for help. You notice all these strange ports on your skin with wires attached, you feel like you’re in a nightmare. Then Neo comes running into the room, realising you managed to escape the simulation. He soothes you, telling you this is just a dream as he plugs you back in.
Once you’re back inside the simulation, you wake up confused, the ‘nightmare’ still fresh in your mind and Neo is there ready to feed you some lie. You fainted in front of a motel he tells you but your memory tells you otherwise, you feel confused, wondering where the nightmare started and reality ended.
The next day while Neo is “at work” you revisit the motel room, it looks just like it did in your “dream” and the phone is sat on the beside table. You sit on the bed and hesitantly lift the phone off the hook and put it to your ear after taking a deep breath. Nothing happens. All you hear is the dial tone. With a sigh you put the phone back down and shake your head, convinced it was all just a dream you return home and your life with Neo continues as normal for a while again…
#not a full fic just wanted to put some words down bc the idea has been in my mind for a while and i need to offload it somewhere#neo#the matrix#neo anderson#thomas anderson#keanu reeves#neo x reader#yandere neo#my fics
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okay, but where's my steddie AU where steve wants to learn to play guitar to impress a girl he's infatuated with and he remembers that munson kid was always hanging up posters for his weird band at school, so he hikes out to eddie's usual dealing spot behind the track and asks (with far less groveling than he really should have) if eddie will teach him how to play, and obviously eddie says no because why would he want to help king steve, but of course, steve offers to pay him, $20 a week, and well, that's the kind of get-the-hell-out-of-this-shithole-town cash eddie really can't afford to refuse, so fine, he'll teach steve to play and they'll spend inordinate amounts of time together tucked away in eddie's room and they'll start to see that they have more in common than they thought and that they kind of had each other all wrong, and eddie will put his hand over steve's to help him get the placement for a tricky chord and it totally won't awaken anything in either of them?? where is it??
edit: i started writing it
#steve x eddie#steddie#stranger things#someone tell me this has already been written because i need it. please.#bonus points if steve shows up to the first practice session empty-handed#and eddie nearly calls the whole thing off when he has the Audacity to grab at eddie's sweetheart as if eddie'd ever let him play her#and he doesn't even teach steve anything that day because rule number one get your own fucking guitar and keep your mitts off mine#but by the end when eddie is deep deep deep in love and it's time to send steve off to woo this lucky girl of his#he offers to let steve take his sweetheart because she's guaranteed to make him look ten times hotter and cooler#and he'll have no trouble sweeping his girl off her feet and maybe eddie's breaking his own heart but it's fine—as long as steve's happy#except steve doesn't seem nearly as happy as eddie thought he would be#he seems sad actually and eddie kind of hates that so he starts to make some lame joke about how steve should be honored#because eddie wouldn't lend his baby out to just anyone and that gets steve to crack half a smile#but then he puts the guitar down on eddie's bed (with all due gentle reverence) walks over takes eddie's face in his hands and kisses him#kisses him like he's been dying to do it for weeks. because he has#because somewhere along the line it stopped being about wanting to impress a girl and started being about wanting to be with eddie#it started being screwing up on purpose so that eddie would grab his hands and show him how it's supposed to be done#and forgetting about lessons entirely and just sitting around and listening to eddie talk or just watching him play#because somewhere along the line steve fell out of infatuation and into love with the last person he ever expected....#anyway idk where i'm going with this
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So, my mom was telling me how much free time I have, and I was like, "I have no freetime wth do you mean?????" And I just wanna see if this is like. A normal way to think of things?
Things I need to do:
Finish reading icebound land
Make a whole lotta art that I promised people
Research study abroad programs
At least one Dutch lesson a day
Keep my room clean
Talk to my friends so they know I love them (and so I don't go insane)
My math homework
Keep myself clean (showers, finally brushing my teeth after months, etc etc) so I don't go insane
Eat at 7pm
Various things I enjoy as to not go insane
All from 6pm to 9 pm, every day, after being at school from 8 am to 3:30 pm and then The Public (teen center) from 3:30 to 5:30, and I need to be in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10:00
So, basically, I'm "on the clock" from 7 am (When I start getting ready for school) until 9 pm, with no breaks
But yeah no I totally have free time. Yeaup
#“but you never actually do that stuff! you just sit and scroll!”#yeah cause if I'm not doing what I need to I'm not Allowed to do anything else#but I'm just. too tired. to do what I need yo#I hate high school#rambles#adhd#executive dysfunction#<- I've heard that this kinda mental math can be a symptom of those things? idk#im so tired#burnout#adhd burnout#(????? I think????)#high school#I'm just so tired of all of this#the sun is going down way too early and I barely speak at all at school and I never finish work early anymore and the teen center is loud#and I still want to be active in the fandom but I don't have time to make posts anymore#and I don't have any in person friends anymore and I don't know when the last time I got a hug was#and I'm just. so. tired. my room is clean and I have good grades and I talk to my friends everyday and I shower routinely#why the hell am I so stressed#I do everything I'm supposed to do#I just want to go somewhere else man#The Netherlands hopefully#I wanna actually DO something#go on a trip for band#not just finish the work put in front of me day after day after day after day#I wasn't built for this shit#I'm so fucking tired
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Be a lover, choose love, give love
Love everyone always
#i just remembered how unconditionally kind and loving he is and i needed to put it down somewhere#so here’s a moodboard filled with nothing but love for the loveliest person#u kind kind soul i love u#my stuff#hlcreators#hljournal#hlsource#moodboards
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i hope whatever weird thing thats wrong with me is resolved by the concert next month bc if its not im really not seeing how i'll be able to go
#im used to having health problems and usually they dont stress me too much. im good at compartmentalizing it away into a little folder#but this time its just completely weird and nothing ive ever had before and its driving me crazy bc ive been to the doctors 3 times#no help no idea wait until october 3 and its getting more painful and weird every day i keep needing to lay down for hours#and just doing anything womens health related is already a fucking struggle like i dont want to be doing any of this usually i dont#get stressed like this but ive never experienced this so it is freaking me out bc my aunt had weird cancer and my uncles been just diagnose#with stage 4 and hes been given 18months and my grandma died last year can you just take me serious for once#anyway sorry for the monday morning vent but if i dont put this somewhere im gonna have an actual freak out
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prime example of "you may only handle me once because i have to have dignity and shit and if you try it again i will bite your dick off"
or alternatively marchy doing marchy things and somehow forsys the one being provoked into it go figure
florida panthers @ boston bruins | 10.14.24
#gustav forsling#florida panthers#2425#all in front of ekky too tsk tsk#my favourite thing is when marchy gets handled and then he just stays eerily still#and gives the ref side eye to see if theyre gonna do anything about it#and once he realises theyre not hes like welp thats the green light i needed i guess i can actually do things and not be called for it!!!#and then proceeds to do all that#forsy putting a hand on his chest to calm him down like you would a rowdy mustang#but actually makes it worse#the gentleman is trying his best but unfortunately hes dealing with an anklebiter#you see marchy shift his jersey up as if his trying to rub off the hold forsy got him in#i love how you see forsy give him /multiple/ chances to behave but the brats gonna brat forsy this is not how you deal with him#unfortunately patience is not the answer here its actually wrastling him to the ground to make him take-#well anyways#dynamics babey#somewhere behind forsy you can hear ekky go god i wish that were me#except hes too sweet and nice and docile and would not need to be treated like marchy for forsy#but god sometimes he does drool a bit at the roughhousing#okay thats enough of that i have places to be that being a wheelburrow i need hit my head against
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Loki, the Prince
Loki Moodboard trilogy: 1 | 2 | 3
#loki#marvel#thor 1#thor 1 loki#I like to think he wrote a lot#u know?#have somewhere to put down his thoughs since no one else would listen#also hey yes I *am* making it a Thing of Mine to make diff moodboards for a character's diff stages thank you for asking#also taking pages out of friends books: feel shitty? make fixation stuff#moodboard#my moodboard#my moodboards#moodboards#I just realize my other tag said moodBOARS#skdhfkjshdkfhs#someone needs to make that a thing. moodboars#also yes I love giving people fancy titles why u ask
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Small tip that has been helping me SO much with this cleanup: get a decent sized box and designate it for “stuff that is going to eventually go somewhere else”
I frequently get overwhelmed looking at the pile of stuff in front of me. Breaking it down into gradually smaller and smaller piles is the only way I stop myself from just shuffling the same clutter around in circles trying to decide where to put it.
So when im focused on just one area, i get a box that is literally just for “other stuff”. Add that in with a basket for dirty clothes and some trash bags, and now the process is much more straightforward:
Pick up an item. Is it trash, dirty clothes, or something else? Now I only have 3 choices. Put it in one of those. Move on to the next item. Repeat.
Then once the laundry is in the washer and the trash is all bagged, now I can look at the box of stuff and break it down even more. Okay, this is a charger. Let’s put all wires and chargers over here. This goes in the bathroom. Here’s my bathroom pile. Etc.
And if im tired for the day, i can put my box of “other stuff” to the side and start again tomorrow. But all of the stuff is now out of my way and i can see my floor again.
#I had to force myself to stick to this system cuz I noticed myself just. keep picking stuff up and putting it back down somewhere else#like Oh well this needs to go in the bathroom but first I need to clean the bathroom#no. box it. leave it for later. just put it in the box#it sat on your floor for six months. you’ll be fine if it’s in a box for two days
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ADHD mood (again)
I swear sometimes having ADHD is like living in a world where inanimate objects just teleport sometimes. Every day at random objects just teleport around your space.
The teleport happens completely at random. Usually paying really close attention to an object can delay it teleporting, watched pot never boils and all, but not always. Sometimes you're trying sooo hard to look at this thing so it doesn't teleport away, but then you blink or sneeze or look over at a noise you heard and oops it's gone.
It doesn't matter if you put an object in That Place You Will Remember It, because it will probably teleport somewhere else before you need it.
It doesn't matter if you have a special place for the thing, it's not going to stay there. No matter how many times you put it back, it's going to keep teleporting around.
It doesn't matter if you try reaaaally hard to remember where you put a thing. It's not there anymore, it teleported.
And after a while you stop bothering to try and remember where you put things, because it's faster to just look around at places things are likely to teleport to.
#adhd#The “just look places it might have teleported to” is my entire organizational strategy now#I just put things down wherever#Because I know putting them somewhere specific is pointless#I either won't remember or I won't put it there next time#So they go wherever I happen to find it convenient to set them#and then later when I need it I go#“If I was holding this object right now what is the most convenient surface for me to put it down and forget it on”#Surprise that's exactly where it is#So anyway that's how I found the Very Important paperwork I hadn't seen in 2 years#It was at the bottom of a stack of other papers on a desk I kept forgetting papers on
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If one more man in my workplace tries to ask me out i will set the whole place on fire, i don't care anymore. I can't keep doing this over and over. These fucking idiots want to get into the pants of a fucking NPC, the person they work with isn't REAL! THAT'S A MIRROR MADE TO BOUNCE BACK WHATEVER YOU THROW AT IT IN HOPE TO END THE INTERACTION SWIFTLY AND WITHOUT ANY ISSUE. THAT SIMULACRUM OF ME IS THERE TO MAKE MONEY AND THAT'S ALL! NO friendship! NO relationship! You DON'T get to know anything about me! you get a COWORKER! and that's IT!
#IM SICK OF THIS SHIT!!! NO FUCKER! I DONT WANNA HANG OUT OUTSIDE OF WORK I DONT LIKE YOU!!!!!!#the ONLY guy who did this to me who was okay was the one who confessed his feelings on his last day right before quitting#he did scribble my initial inside a heart and it was up in the department for weeks but at least he wasnt in my FACE about it!#now i gotta fucking go to work tomorrow and be fucking stressed out and scared because i have to deal with turning down a motherfucker#i JUST started liking my job again and this is what i get????? can i get a fucking BREAK!?#benny babble#i needed to put this somewhere because im very honestly at my wits end here. like i guess that's what i get for being nice at work#dudes will really look at someone they think is a woman smile at then and take it as interest. im being POLITE
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Something has been bugging me lately; why is it that so much of the ASOIAF fandom hates romance? Like, this is a problem I've noticed and it's honestly kind of weird. To be sure, George's view on what is romantic is, uh, dubious at best, but to outright be so against it the way I've seen some people be against it is quite bizarre, to say the least.
Rhaegar and Lyanna? Of course there's no romance there! Rhaegar clearly was just using Lyanna as a baby factory to produce a super prophecy child because that's all there is to his character!
Jon and Daenerys? They won't be getting together like that dumb show! And if they are, it will be purely a political marriage! No lovey dovey stuff there!. After all Dany likes "bad boys" (which somehow translates to "evil men") so why would she like a strong, assertive man like Jon? And why would Jon like her? Not like he likes strong fiery tempered women!
Those are the two biggest examples but there is more. Daemon Blackfyre and Daenerys Targaryen are more ambiguous since they are historical characters, but a lot of people are convinced it was 100% unrequited love.
I've even seen fans complain about the line from Barristan where he thinks about how Bittersteel and Bloodraven's rivalry over the affections of Shiera Seastar caused the Blackfyre Rebellions. Like sure it wasn't the only reason, but to think that jealousy and romance didn't have an effect on those rebellions is a bit weird.
Yes, I am aware these are some problematic pairings, not least of which because most of these are pretty incestuous. However, the complaints about these romances do not stem from a moral quandary. In the case of R+L, you see people calling Rhaegar a groomer and pedophile (see my post on him on my full thoughts there), but the majority of it is simply "well it's stupid because they told no one and caused a whole war, the selfish brats" (bonus points if someone specifically targets Lyanna).
Okay, setting aside the fact that, like with the Blackfyre Rebellions, Robert's Rebellion was caused by far more factors than their elopement, why does making it an abduction Rhaegar did simply for a magic messiah baby make it a better story than the fact these two were in love and desperate to escape situations they felt trapped in, leading to shortsighted decisions that had an unexpected affect on many people?
With Jon and Dany, the backlash is "but that's so cliche! George wouldn't do something as cliche as two of the biggest protagonists falling in love." As if George doesn't constantly engage with cliche storybeats as often or even more than he subverts them. Even when the evidence for the two getting together is literally so overwhelming that you'd need to be willfully ignorant to ignore the foreshadowing (plus the fact George literally said that their union is "the point of the series").
And again, I must ask; why is Jon and Dany marrying to secure a political alliance without any real love between them a better story than an epic, doomed romance between two people who have gone through such similar struggles and have such similar personalities? What does R+L=J even exist for if they are just a couple of convenience using each other?
I'm not saying you have to love and ship all these people together. Because we sometimes forget our little fandom bubble, most people are not okay with even fictional incest ships. That's okay. Sometimes it's not even incest ships, but again, that's okay! We are all different and have our preferences! Some might not even care much for romance.
But the way a lot of this is criticized doesn't read like that. It's always focusing on the negative aspects. Especially with Dany's love interests. I'm not a fan of Daario and Dany, personally, but it is a bit uncomfortable how she is targeted so heavily for thinking and getting horny about him. Like... let a girl be horny and infatuated? Lol, I don't know!
With Rhaegar and Lyanna, Prince Duncan the Small and Jenny of Oldstones, the "problem" is that their disregard for political betrothals and following their hearts makes them stupid monsters who are directly responsible for the deaths of thousands. That is absolutely not the way we should take these romances.
These doomed, tragic affairs aren't about how people are selfish. It's about the power of love. The way love makes people act rashly. The way love consumes someones thoughts and feelings. Love is powerful, it is transformative, transcending. That is the point. Even in spite of the death and chaos occurring around it, the love these people have for each other is something that cannot be broken.
I feel like the fandom has taken the wrong approach to this series tone and themes. I'm not George's biggest personal fan, to be quite honest, but he is a self described romantic. Turning Rhaegar from a lovestruck prince to a selfish crazed maniac is not romantic. Turning romance or potential romance into cold political maneuvers is not romantic.
The point of all this is that, yes, the world is dark. It's scary, it's cruel, unforgiving, and cold. But in that darkness, there are pockets of light that shine and make you feel safe, and warm, and happy. It makes you forget all the troubles around you. That light, that warmth, that love, is worth fighting for, even if it's all that is left, even if it doesn't last.
I am of course, slightly biased in my assessment, lmao. You could say that me, being a bisexual polyamorous transfemme, is maybe a bit of a big fan of romance and love! Yet, it still saddens me that people try to keep romances from just being romances, and try to make the story and world more bleak as a result. We already have Ramsay, Joffrey, Gregor, Euron, Randyll Tarly. We have people who use love against others for their own gain or outright reject it violently. We don't need more of that.
#asoiaf meta#asoiaf#jonerys#rhaegar x lyanna#asoiaf discourse#watch out i might be poking more at the fandom in later posts#i just have a lot of thoughts and need to put them down somewhere otherwise they drive me crazy
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i got a goose tattooed on the inside of my forearm today and it was a flash piece but it's my favorite tattoo already it means everything to me i could sob
#i love geese so much and so deeply i named my dog after them#goose is my black dragon dog and my loyal faithful companion and my entire world#i just love these birds#they are so misunderstood as aggressive and scary when really they just are sensitive to spatial pressure#and they need a wider diameter than humans are often willing to give#but they are so beautiful i love their long graceful necks and how i can recognize their sounds anywhere#and that no matter where i live i see their little v's in the sky#and of course wild geese by mary oliver is one of the first poems i fell in love with#my english teacher deborah read it aloud to us in high school and it made me want to go outside and to stay alive#and when my gf and i first started dating i knew i loved her for lots of reasons but one of them was that she also loved geese#she told me she had a shared folder with her family members titled “geese i've seen” that she would put her goose photos in#so her entire family could witness them with her#i remember when i was sick with anorexia a few weeks before i was hospitalized a v of canadian geese flew over me on my way into work#and these big fluffy snowflakes were falling down and i could hear them calling#and it made my eyes well up#and i hoped they would get somewhere warm enough for winter#whether or not people have respect for them is a wonderful metric for gauging somebody's character#at the grocery store i worked at when i was 18 the only coworker i grew close to had a similar affinity for geese#she had a necklace of one#a little silver glinting goose in flight :'')#personal
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me vs eternal grudges abt d20 captions
#aspen tag#maybe i just need to start watching the backlog without them on tbh#bc every time i run into a godawful error. of which there is no shortage of. i get so frustrated i literally have to stop watching#and like. idk. the new form system is. i know there's probably practical benefits#but from where i am sitting it's just like. additional barriers. more steps. more energy#i watched the new dirty laundry earlier today. with the lightning flashing effect at the beginning#and i checked the desc to see if there was any sort of warnings on the vid and there was nothing#and i thought about pulling up the feedback form to say smth and i just felt tired#and like. idk if any of u were ever active in the discord's caption corrections channel before it shut down#i joined the dropout server for it. i was in there exclusively for it. bc they got on my nerves so bad and i couldn't just do nothing#you could look up a particular line and find reports of it going back months and months#and i get that it was probably not easily indexable. but w/ the way older d20 episodes are#it was a fucking blessing to be able to submit them in bulk. instead of submitting a form for each one individually like u have to now#bc they're like. every 30 seconds. you're lucky if you go a couple minutes without smth almost unparseable#and when there'd be things like unlabeled flashing. or the gore bear. and u start writing up a message on the discord#it's like. there's a sense of people. someone's reading. someone's seeing it. even in just the reacts. y'know#and like. they have retroactive caption editors to clean up the old stuff as of 2024#but i'm four minutes into tuc episode 2. their third season ever. second episode. four minutes in#and zac says “it's a concentration” and the captions read “white's a constant station”#and i just ..... i guess i find it hard to feel like there's work being done. or like it's a priority#i. me personally. sent messages in the feedback channel about jokes in the captions on at least five or six seperate occasions#and i know there were other people speaking up about it too. over months and months#and the past... however many seasons it's been since burrow's end. have been a little better. but it's like....#it took so long to see any change. and those older ones are going to stay in until the retroactive editors catch all the way up#and people are still going to laugh at them and post about them and not think past their own amusement at them#and it's not that big of a deal but it does like. detract from how much i am able to enjoy d20#and like. i've been watching for three years. i never shut up about it. it's not like i don't like what they make#but between all of this and the way they handled palestine on the discord. i'm just finding it harder to trust in dropout#idk. idk. it's not a big thing. but it simmers in the back of my mind a lot. i don't rlly think it's going to change anytime soon#so i guess this is just putting it somewhere so it doesn't have to sit in my head all the time. um. yeah 👍
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(Vent for things I've been holding in for years. This no longer reflects my current situation, but these feelings still linger inside of me.)
Why is it so hard for you to understand that I'm disordered? That my memory issues are debilitating and disabling? Whenever I tell you I forgot you tell me I need to try harder, but I try as hard as I can and I still can't remember. You tell me to take notes, and I do, but I read the notes days later and they no longer make sense to me. "Take better notes" you tell me, but I'm doing the best I can! I set alarms to try to remember to do things, but sometimes the alarm goes off at an inopportune time and I forget to reset it. Sometimes I even forget to set the alarm at all. I wrote a checklist for the things I need to do every night, I have it taped to my door- but it's now just visual noise for me, like all the other things in my life. I don't know how to make it any more noticeable or obvious to me.
Am I the problem? Am I truly not doing enough? Can't you understand that I'm struggling and struggling and struggling and there's no perfect solution? I took my meds like you asked me, why do I still forget things? Is it really all on me?
You say you can't accommodate my memory issues anymore. That it's draining you and hurting you. That it's not your responsibility to help me. And... I know this. I don't want to rely on you. But when my phone is in another room and I'm washing the dishes, is it really so hard when I ask you to send me a message to remind me of something I'm remembering to do at this moment but I know I'll forget once I'm done? Is that my fault that I can't write myself a note right then and there?
Am I that much of a burden for you? When did I become a burden and not equals? What happened to making compromises with the person you love? It's not your responsibility- but you told me you cared about me. About us. Where did all of that go? Have I really burned you out so much?
Am I really that broken that you no longer love me?
#personal#by cyan#ok to rb#all of these feelings come from one of my previous exes#we were QPRs and had known each other for 14 years#and things got. really bad for us.#I'm not an angel in this situation nor are they the devil. We both did things that hurt each other.#But I just. Really needed somewhere to write all this down.#by green#because he's the one who's good at writing#and he helped me put these feelings into words#by reimei
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i love dnd..i love playing heavy utility/support/backfield and i love having three to six attacks in a turn and an insane ac. at heart im a support player ill get my hands on whatever we're missing in a group
#looks at a druid a fighter and a bard fighter. okay cleric time.#i LOVE playing cleric turns out.#though abjuration wizard is still super super fun its a different flavor of support#it's not buffs it's 'i am going to transfer literally all that damage to myself and war caster style succeed my witchbolt concentration'#doing insane amounts of damage while taking damage (+ with temp hp and then just a lot of hp. im taking the tough feat as soon as possible)#aabria iyengar was right these abjuration wizards are craaaazy. but war domain clerics also fuck hard#my abj wiz is very much an experiment in 'what if someone who is not at all suited to this life tries to adapt as well as she can'#the point is that she isn't a cleric. do u understand. she's not a cleric and that's the point it's the. hbbbgbfhb. she's out here#functioning as a combat medic on some aasimar features + healing kits/potions + arcane ward. Look At Me#i also really enjoy playing nonreligious characters in these worlds where deities 100% exist not in a 'fuck the gods' way but in#a way somewhere between 'i'm all i need' and 'i called and no one answered' and 'may or may not go on an insane power hungry spiral and#try to get a touch of godhood' which is in part very due to my own agnostic and people-loving heart and 'haha what if i icarused this girl'#a resentful caution towards gods an immense respect towards religious companions and 'when your god isn't here to help. i will be'#anyway REACTION arcane ward you don't take damage im fine. next turn reaction shield ward's back up. the thing is.#she will drive her hp down. the ward isn't much like it goes past that temp hp. it's 14hp that shit goes down and carries to her hp#but it never drops. any leveled spell puts hp back into the ward. a 1st lvl shield puts it at 2hp and she can use it again#she is not suited for these conditions but my god it is fun to watch. i care her.#i explained that subclass feature to a player that's not in that campaign and said. like. yeah she can take damage. when her ward drops to#0 it carries to her. any leveled abj spell puts it back up. and she can use it and drive her hp down again.#do u understand what i am explaining to u! do you get it! she is and has always been a punching bag!#she was a very valuable asset to the army and the group she was drafted! into. because when she's there. people just don't fucking go down#aside from her. aside from her. AAAAH. she's so cool. she is very smart i am still riding the high of critting every turn w witchbolt and#reacting to ward a party member against a crit that would have dropped him by taking the hit herself. and she didn't break concentration#badass
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