#just need to lose some depression weight cause i eat BAD when im doing bad

[conellu]

Weight loss mentions in tags

[beetlebumeffect]

hi everyone

i might be writing this for no one to read, and it’s for no one in particular, just gonna share some things

i’ve had this tumblr for at least 6 years and it’s been an on and off relationship, mainly cause I don’t use tumblr anymore, but also because i’ve been up and down in terms of my eating habits.

life has been better since my last food rant 3 years ago. i have gained more weight, 14 kg more from my last weight in here to be exact. i’ve also gained love, a job where im appreciated, some friends that support me and love me, my own independence (i live alone now!) and my own freedom. while all of this was happening I stopped worrying about what I looked like, I actually learned to find beauty in the way I looked. when you have people around you telling you you’re beautiful all the time you start to believe it.

recently I haven’t felt so beautiful tho. i’ve felt the weight (no pun intended) of all these years in the way I looked. i’ve had some instances where i was reminded how bigger i actually got and I won’t lie, I fell into bad habits of starving to maybe, somehow, fall back into the same pattern. this did not work. i’m not the same person I was when I was at my lowest weight, because I was at my lowest emotionally too. I was 16 and depressed. I always had problems with food, unrelated to weight, so that point was just what broke the camels back. i’m 24 years old now. i’m an adult. I have a job, a boyfriend, a friend group. I have an actual life. I don’t want to spend it starving anymore.

thats why I decided to do things the right way. I’ve been having two meals a day, eating below 1000 calories daily. I eat everything I like just in smaller quantities, or replace things i used to love for things that are healthier but give me the feeling of still enjoying what i like. i’ve also been more active. i work from home so big portion of the weight i gained was from eating poorly and not moving at all during the week. so i’ve bought a bike that i use everyday and i take walks every week, at least 2/3 times a week. i started about 3 weeks ago. so far I lost 2,5 kg. i’m working towards losing 28 by the end of the year but there’s no rush. i wanted to change my habits rather than just feel like im on a diet everyday. i’m trying to heal my concept of food, my relationship with it. it’s hard sometimes when i just want to have more or just want to eat something that i know is full of calories. but i work around it. learning to eat mindfully and not because i Want to eat is what’s been helping a lot. I’m also fasting for about 18 hours a day. I have an eating window of 6 hours but I don’t eat snacks or breakfast. it’s been working well so far, but if im hungry after a meal I’ll definitely have a banana or something lol, even if its considered a snack. i’m trying to not be too strict with myself, still making calorie efficient choices but not punishing myself if i have a bit of cake at a birthday party. its hard for me, but im getting there.

anyway this turned out to be a big ramble, i guess what i want to share in here and the reason why i wanted to post it is because sometimes all you need is one person to love you right, to love you the way you deserve. someone to change your perspective on you, to show you how great you are and that you’re more than what your head tells you. i wish and pray for everyone to find that person, whoever it is, a friend, a lover, a family member. we all deserve that love and connection, it is healing, freeing.

i will try i to come in here from time to time and update or try and keep this semi active. I like having a place where im no one and i can just share my thoughts freely.

if someone actually read all of this, thank you! i hope you wish me luck on my journey and I wish you all the best on yours, wherever you are in it.

[the-meowing-snake]

I love how people think it's always easy to lose weight. I have issues with ADHD (maybe Autism) im the way that I don't have the energy to do jackshit and don't like going outside much (slightly depressive?), especially in the heat. I gained weight. I will have to start to work out and due to my body clinging on to fat it will be easy to gain weight from muscles but hard to lose weight by losing fat.

And my partner comes from a family that had money issues for years, sometimes they had food until the 10th of the month and afterwards, well have fun. He is overweight and gained quite some weight in the last two years. Even if he only eats like 500 kcal per day (which is way too little, it's actually actively starving yourself) and walking a lot on the job (which is also painful for him so... Yay) and having a fuck ton of muscles over and under his fat he gains weight. "Just eat less and do more sports" he literally barely ate something for some time and gained weight. He can not walk much without his feet hurting, the more he walks the more it travels up until his knees, back, and head hurt. Doing sports with a lot of weight is hard. Fuck off with your "just can do it, if you don't lose weight you just don't want it enough to do something about it" ideology and educate yourself before you speak.

If you don't know how hard (or even impossible) it is to lose weight then don't talk about it.

Shut up, full stop. I don't wanna hear about your "I gained 10 pounds when I got broken up with but I started going outside and even 5 minutes of walking a day made a difference so it only took me two months before I was back to my weight without doing any sports. I know you can lose your 100 pounds just as easy, just try it". You don't know how it feels and how hard it is. You don't know how disheartening it is and how much of your motivation disappears when you just try to do easy exercise and feel like dying after 10 minutes bc you're fat and it's hard and it's hot and I don't have any strength left and I just wanna be able to do this one thing without looking like I just ran a marathon and it will take me a month until I won't die from easy exercise.

I don't say thin people who want to gain weight but struggle with it don't have it hard. I feel for you. But I'm so fed up with thin people whining about having gained 10 pounds and how they need to get rid of it or how easy you lost your weight when I just stand there having trouble to exist in this world. It's so much and I can't do it and I don't even have the energy to make myself 2 meals a day, do you really think I can just will my fat away? It's hard and I just want to cut it off and I broke down multiple times bc I was a chubby teen and due to ADHD and depression I gained weight and I gained weight and I gained weight and I'm fat (not a bad word) and I can't get it off and I'm just tired of fighting against it, especially since it's a losing fight. But I don't have the money to buy myself new clothes all the time and there aren't many possibilities to buy clothes for bigger people and it's expensive as fuck and I just don't want to have to deal with all the issues that come with being fat. I want to cut my fucking fat away bc it causes me to feel bad most of the time and you laugh basically saying it's my own fault and it's easy to lose weight.

Shut up.

Nobody wants to hear the shit coming out of your mouth.

Get a heart and a brain and think for a moment. Maybe you'll change your mind then.

You know I wish fatphobia was less pervasive. Even among people who consider themself as progressive, it's rampant. So quick reminder. No it's actually not easy to stop being fat, and it sucks that we are treated differently for something we really can't control. Shaming a fat person for being fat, and shaming them for not having the "willpower" to become skinny- is bigotry. And if all you talk to fat people about is weight loss and dieting- congratulations! You're being a dick! Stop.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thank you for replying to my ask and having this blog! I didn't want to tell any detail about my ed I thought that would be very triggering for some people cause it's about losing and gaining weight and dieting so trigger warning!!

But I guess I have always had since high school disturbed body image because diet culture starts affecting you very early on.

In college when I have had depressive episodes one way to cope was restricting my eating and then when I lost the weight I gained when depressed I started to feel better and it was like this yo-yo ish many years.

But oh god last year I had so many things that caused me stress I was living in a survival mode the whole 2021 and maybe still am, and idk why I gained weight guickly maybe it was many things combined. Then when things were bad my bf left me and my friends didn't help me and I was left kinda alone and the only way to cope again was thinking of losing weight. So this is such a classic but my ed was the symptom of my hard life situation and way to cope with the anxiety and stress.

But restricting my eating didnt 'work 'like it used to in the past, I havent been able to lose the gained weight and so my energy and time is still focused on losing that weight even now when im my life situation has improved a bit.

I have talk about my issues with doctors and I feel they haven't been taking my symptoms seriously or have focused just on my depression and anxiety (which are caused by ed so this is a fun cycle). Yesterday I talked to a nutritionist for the first time since applying help and she just said what I already know that even tho ed is a mental health problem the only way to cure is by eating. And that I should stop thinking about losing weight cause that only worsens everything (yeah no shit). And that she can't help me cope with the anxiety it's the other healthcare system that should (have) do(ne) that.

The thing is I have triedddd so much this whole time to take care of my eating but if I had succeeded I wouldn't be having any problems with it still u know?

It's kinda ironic how much I know about ed without being able to do anything. First I need to fix my nutritional status I think that's where everyone starts. And after that maybe intuition eating. I need to learn dbt skill to cope with anxiety and depression. And stop stressing about everything everywhere qll the time. Buying new clothes that fit so looking at my too small clothes wouldn't be so triggering. I need to learn self compassion and find a therapist but they are in high demand so that's really hard. I need to find things that I like about myself and repeat those. But everytime when I fail at trying to fix my daily routine and fix my eating routine I think of it as a setback and its a cycle very hard to get off (I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and lunch early so I wouldn't be so hungry at evening and night cause then I can't sleep properly and then I sleep in and then I eat late and then im hungry at evening and night cause I don't wanna eat too much in the evening and then I sleep in cause my blood sugar is so low from not eating enough in the evening does this make any sense at all) and I think I have ibs from so much stress and I think that's actually the reason I have gained weight like I'm bloated all the time. And i dont have any support cause my depression/ ed made me also isolate from my friends and/or they kinda left me also so yeah. Ummmmm this became a lot longer than i thought. if you read this all thank you and also sorry for dumping all my problems here

Sorry that it took me so long to respond to this - my own life situation is kind of taking a toll on me rn, and I've been slow to respond to people. That will continue to be the case, most likely.

But I'm sorry you've found the system so unhelpful! I really think a competent nutritionist should at least be a little understanding of mental health problems, especially when a lot of people coming to them with additional health needs will probably be coping with a lot and might need a little empathy. I mean, yeah, that's not her main job, but healthcare requires a multipronged approach, especially since her "just eat" directive won't be helpful without someone assisting with the mental health aspect simultaneously. I mean, if she frequently works with ED clients she should know that - "just eat" is such an ineffective directive. I hope you find a therapist or a team of therapists that are capable of helping you.

My advice, though? Break it down for yourself. All of these things are a cycle that feed into one another, so making progress in ANY of these areas you struggle in is still progress. And if you let yourself focus on one thing at once, it might not seem so overwhelming. Also remember that everyone struggles with hard days/moments, so if you slip, it doesn't mean you've lost all your progress. It seems an all-or-nothing approach can be really self-defeating. I get it, though - that's definitely something I still find myself struggling with!

I really hope you find more social support! I don't know if you have any online support groups. I also hope it's okay that I published this ask - I tend to do it unless otherwise specified so that people on here don't feel alone in their struggles. I bet there have been lots of ED sufferers who struggled during the pandemic, who have been feeling a lot of overwhelm and who struggle with finding adequate support and on trying to accept their bodies as-is and who are triggered by things like buying new clothes. I'm wondering if anyone else would like to share their experiences.

[apollodrome]

1- the logical thinking indicates that the most probably option is usually the correct option, for example, if a man has lung cancer the most likely option is that is lung cancer is related to his tabaquism, the same aplly on this case, if a person with morbid obesity has some kind of circulation problem then the most likely option is that is related to the weight of that person, now about your question, if you wanna know how morbid obesity relates to health problems then my answer is

2 - read a goddanm biology book (or just google it), the answer is right there, you dont need to ask a random person on the internet about that, and guess what, you cannot put links into asks so im unable to give you the link to any kind of article explaining that, if you wanna know the corelation then just search morbid obesity on wikipedia.

---

This ask is about this post where a woman's health issues are blamed by doctors on her weight, so she loses the weight, and when doctors see that her health issues have not gotten better, but have gotten worse, they order tests that they should have ordered months ago.

I think you misunderstand the point of the post. Let's take the obesity out of this. A woman goes to the doctor for severe cramps, sleepiness during the day, memory and balance problems. Doctors refuse to treat her. That's all there is to this issue - a woman has gone to a medical professional with a set of symptoms, and the medical professional did not test her for the conditions that have the above symptoms.

You give me an example in your ask of smokers having an increased risk of lung cancer, so let's apply this analogy here. A smoker goes to the doctor and says, "doctor, I have difficulty breathing, a painful cough that doesn't go away for months, I lost 50 pounds in less than a month, pain in my hands, fingers and chest." These are very common symptoms of lung cancer. So, what you're advocating for, is that the doctor should refuse to order any tests for the patient, tell them to stop smoking, and send them on their way. We know that some health risks are associated with obesity, in the same way that lung cancer is associated with smoking, so should we not be testing those people for those diseases more often?

People whose father has died of heart disease are at more risk of heart disease, so we test those people for heart disease when they mention they have symptoms. People whose family has ADHD are more at risk of having ADHD, so we test those people for ADHD when they mention they have symptoms. Why is obesity any different? If a disease has already developed, losing weight will do nothing except for decrease that initial risk, but it's past that already if they HAVE THE DISEASE. They have to be treated for the disease. Thin people can get heart attacks, and non smokers can get lung cancer or develop asthma, so why do those people go to the doctor with those symptoms and get tested, and obese people don't?

In some of your replies on that post, you have used this Wikipedia page as your source. On the same page, it says,

"While a majority of obese individuals at any given time are attempting to lose weight and often successful, research shows that maintaining that weight loss over the long term proves to be rare." (Wikipedia includes a reference for this, I've linked it here).

I am using the same research you are using to argue my point. If an obese individual walks into a doctor's office with symptoms of a heart condition, and is told to lose weight, they are basically sentenced to death. As we can see above, long term weight loss may lead to more health risks, and is actually very rare in most people (less than 1 in 100 obese people manage to lose the weight and stay at the new weight), and so if a doctor tells an obese person not to come back until she has lost all of the weight, she may actually die before she comes back to the doctor.

Obesity is an issue, and does increase the risks of some conditions. However, according to the same Wikipedia article you and I have both been using,

"obesity has individual, socioeconomic, and environmental causes, including diet, physical activity, automation, urbanization, genetic susceptibility, medications, mental disorders, economic policies, endocrine disorders, and exposure to endocrine-disrupting chemicals."

I don't want to assume you're enough of a heartless monster to say "obese people brought this on themselves and therefore deserve to suffer and die due to medical malpractice" as a response to my above point, but JUST IN CASE YOU WERE, that's a whole lot of people you're condemning. You're condemning children who grow up in poverty and whose parents can only afford McDonald's (cheaper than vegetables in the USA), you're condemning my uncle, who had a deadly thyroid issue that wasn't treated in time (he grew up in Soviet Russia) and messed up his metabolism so bad he currently exercises for 3 hours a day but is still extremely overweight. You're condemning people with pcos, people with hyperthyroidism, people with eating disorders and depression. All of those people, in your opinion, do not deserve medical treatment.

With what we now know, let's summarise.

Fact 1: people who are obese have a higher risk of developing certain disorders, in the same way that someone with a family history of heart problems may develop heart problems, however, no disease is directly CAUSED by obesity and obesity alone. If that were the case, thin people wouldn't get those diseases at all, but I know many thin people with narcolepsy, cancers, and heart issues.

Fact 2: obesity can be caused by many factors, not just eating a lot of junk food. I've already mentioned hyperthyroidism, eating disorders, pcos, and poverty as some of those factors, but there are more. A lot of those factors are not the fault of the obese individual. We also know that once someone is already obese, keeping off weight that they lose is extremely difficult and takes a long time.

Fact 3: when a smoker goes to the doctor with symptoms of lung cancer, they are told to stop smoking, but they are also SCREENED FOR LUNG CANCER and TREATED IF THERE IS LUNG CANCER PRESENT.

Fact 4: according to the woman in the original post, she went to the doctor with symptoms of narcolepsy and other issues, was told to lose weight, BUT WAS NOT TESTED FOR THE DISEASES SHE IS AT RISK FOR, OR TREATED.

Do you see my point now? Yes, obesity is linked to diseases, but that should mean that people who are obese are screened and treated MORE OFTEN, not less or god forbid not treated at all. Preventing obesity by exercising and eating well is something we should definitely do ON A GLOBAL SCALE (better mental health help for people with depression/eating disorders, cheaper vegetables for people in poverty, more education, less fast food places), to decrease our risk of the diseases that obesity is associated with increasing the risk for (type two diabetes, sleep apnea, narcolepsy, certain cancers), but if someone is already obese, weight loss is no longer a cure, and actual treatment needs to be administered. Weight loss was never a cure, it is a PREVENTATIVE MEASURE, and not even a good one according to the evidence I've provided above. Healthy eating and exercise are good preventative measures, but they do not always contribute to weight loss. So why do doctors prescribe weight loss in the form of pills and calorie restriction, rather than eating HEALTHY and exercising? ALSO, if weight loss was a cure, non-obese cancer patients, non-obese people with narcolepsy, and non-obese people with eating disorders would also be told to lose weight rather than given treatment. So why is weight loss the ONLY treatment doctors give obese people? Obesity is much more complicated than a person just eating a lot of junk and getting fat, that's not how it works.

You know how we "eliminate the most probable option"? WE TEST THE PATIENT FOR IT, AND IF THE TEST COMES BACK NEGATIVE WE ELIMINATE THE OPTION. Why was the woman in the post not tested, and why do you advocate for this? Why do you think a group of people deserves medical attention less than others?

Here's another analogy. Wearing a mask and staying six feet away from others is a PREVENTATIVE MEASURE for covid. When a person already has covid, they are not told to wear a mask and stay six feet away from others. They are put in a hospital and treated. What you are advocating for is akin to sending a person with covid symptoms away with a mask, and not treating them at all.

To summarise: correlation is not causation, all people deserve medical help (people who are turned away from doctors a LOT are women, people of colour, and fat people. Medical discrimination needs to be eradicated in all of those cases) and you are in no position to decide who deserves to be treated and who doesn't.

I'm not overweight myself. I just care about people receiving the medical treatment they need and deserve, regardless of what they look like or what other conditions they already may have. I recommend really looking at yourself and examining the biases you have against fat folks, and figuring out how to become better as a person. You seem to enjoy giving unsolicited medical advice, so here's some from me: stop being a dick.

[imfemalewarrior]

hi mx. femalewarrior! im a moderately overweight afab person (this isnt abt my struggling w femininity and identifying only somewhat and not fully--anyway) and i did exercise today! i biked a while to the store... a store in which i bought a few sweets as a prize for doing the exercise thing. i get that my depressed brain craves the glucose bc it slightly makes up for the lack of dopamine, and i do feel :) when i get a nice pastry, but i still feel bad morally! (1/2)

ik i HAVE to bribe myself to work, but it still feels yicky, y'know? like, why do the work in working some stuff off just to put it right back? it especially doesnt help that since im poor i can't do the whole fresh veggies and meats and w/e thing. its cans and what you can get from a dollar tree for me. do you have any exercises that don't feel like exercises so i don't feel as if i did a lot n "deserve" that sugary thing? i wanna lose some weight but it seems so daunting! [2/2]

(my answer) 

So, instead of having a weight goal, why not make other more sustainable goals regarding exercise? More and more research is coming out that it is habit and lifestyle/genetics that affect your health much more than weight (look at women olympic weightlifters, world’s strongest men, and open water swimmers like Lynne Cox as examples). Some example goals are: exercising a certain number of times per week, so maybe start with a goal to exercise 1 or 2 days every week, and then increasing the number based on what time you can set aside to do this. Or a goal could be “find an exercise I enjoy” and then find different exercises each week to try out to figure out what you enjoy doing (dance classes, yoga, aerobics, swimming, martial arts, jogging, walking, weightlifting, historical martial arts from various regions of the world, dagorhir/LARP/SCA, to name a few possibilities). Maybe once you find one you enjoy it will help you with getting that dopamine (I feel, I also have depression). And after you find one you enjoy you can then work on setting up exercising a few times a week. 

So basically, eating is not going to “undo” what you just did, it can help support you in doing more of it. If bike riding is what you enjoy doing, but you need more reason than only bike riding for now (like going to the store and getting something to celebrate the bike ride), then that’s ok, especially if it becomes a regular activity for you and you replenish your body with protein, vitamins and minerals from protein/plant sources (even canned/frozen! they still have things your body needs, it’s not fresh or nothing!), and drinking water. Right now it’s more important to focus on recovering your mental health and setting some sustainable goals.

Doing this is going to put demands on your body that will cause it to change in response. Many of them will demand your body develop more muscle, which weighs more (example: when I exercise regularly I gain about 20-30 pounds of muscle easily, I know this from being weighed at the doctor’s office during times when I was not physically active and times when I was physically active, other than that I don’t weight myself, I don’t own a scale, instead I just make sure I get enough nutrition and energy from my food and usually practice my dance and martial arts a few times a week). So, in other words, you’ll get hungrier, and you deserve food for that. Perhaps plan a nutritionally balanced meal to give your body the nutrition it needs to repair and recover from an exercise session in addition to the sweets you crave? 

Canned food is not necessarily evil/bad, I eat canned beans and tomatoes and frozen veggies. What COULD be bad depending on how your body processes certain vitamins/minerals is the salt/sugar content of some canned food (some sugar is not bad especially if it’s supposed to be there like in fruit and pastry, but sugar is unnecessarily added to a lot of things you wouldn’t expect, especially low/nonfat food like milk, yoghurt, etc). So when I go and I buy canned tomatoes (as an example) I check the salt content and try to get one with low or no salt (especially since I’m going to season it a whole bunch and add salt on top of whatever the manufacturer added). (Note: some people can’t process salt very well, so they need to eat more salt in order to get enough of it processed in their body, so for them a high salt diet is what’s healthy, but this is not true for everyone). Beans and legumes are also sources of protein (what your body will need to repair and build muscle for an active lifestyle) along with eggs, and eggs can be pretty cheap (I have seen them at walmart for like a dollar). 

Another option is to shop at international food stores (I do this to get a lot of rice and flour and spices for much more reasonable prices than most chain stores charge). 

I talk more about different factors in this video (it is slightly off base from your question but that’s because it’s the only video I have up right now I’m planning on more in the future). 

-FemaleWarrior 

[cetologies]

i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me 

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years. 

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115. 

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous. 

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240. 

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115. 

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already. 

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway. 

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Name:  Stephanie.

Country: USA.

Age:  31.

Gender(s): Female

Height:  ~5′4

weight:  70-something lbs.

eye color: Brown.

skin color:  White.

Heritage: I’ve been really wanting to do one of those ancestry dna or 23 and me tests to find out exactly what I am. Relationship status:  Single.

Are you physically healthy?  No.

Are you mentally healthy? Nope

Job?:  No job.

school:  I graduated college back in 2015.

Favs:

Animal:  Dogs and giraffes.

Flower:  I don’t really have one.

Movie:  I have many favorites.

TV show: I have many favorites.

Music:  I like variety.

Band:  One of them will always be Linkin Park.

Video Game: Mario Bros games and Animal Crossing: New Horizon

Gaming Console: Nintendo Switch.

Name:  Alexander. ;)

Person:  My family.

Love life:

1: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope.

2: Do you love them? 

3: Are you still in love with an ex? No.

4: How many people have you dated?  Two.

5: Do you think you’ll get married?  No.

6: Have you ever been emotionally/physically abused in a relationship?  No.

7: Have you ever hurt your partner by accident without knowing it? I’m single, but no I don’t think I have in the past. But if I didn’t know it then I wouldn’t know?

8: Whats important to you in a relationship?  Communication, trust, understanding, patience.

9: Do you have to see them everyday? ( or hear from them)? I’m singleeee. 

10: Do you think you can love someone within 2 weeks? I personally don’t think so.

Friendship and Family:

1: How many friends do you have?  Zero.

2: What type of friend are you?  Not a good one anymore.

3: Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? Yeah. My former best friend and I were friends for almost 15 years.

4: Do you have one best friend, more or none?  One, my mom. 

5: Have you ever had a friend just stop being your friend and you never knew why?  Yes.

6: Do you get along with family?  Yes.

7: Do you have a family member you hate?  No.

8: Does your family accept who you are?  Yes.

9: Are you an only child or have siblings?  I have 2 brothers. 

10: Do you have parents that still live together? Yes.

School:

1:What grade are you in? I’m not.

2: Are you in Middle, High, or college? ( or neither)?  Neither, like I said I graduated college back in 2015.

3: Whats your favorite class?  English was always my favorite. In college I enjoyed most of my psych classes.

4: Do you have a fav school year?  Elementary school years.

5: Are you a good student?  I was, yeah.

6: Do you think homework is good or bad?  I wouldn’t say it’s good or bad. I mean, I get seeing if you’re understanding then material and whatnot and applying it. I guess it depends on the amount assigned and what type of assignment it is. 

7: Have you ever had a teacher who was really funny but had poor teaching skills?  Yes.

8: Is your GPA high or low?  It was high.

9: Do you like to particpate in conversations in the class room or are you the listener?  I was definitely a listener. I haaaaated classes that made class discussion apart of your grade.

10: Do you take part in extra school events? (eg. Plays, sports, leadership,clubs)? I was in clubs in high school and the psych club in college, even serving as a board member.

Health

1: Do you need to lose or gain weight?  I definitely need to put on some weight.

2: Have you ever had the swine flu? (H1n1)  No. I remember being scared about getting it and that whole thing wasn’t even on the level of covid. 

3: Do you like to go to the doctors?  Nooo. I’ve had more than my share of doctor appointments of all different kinds all throughout my life. They still make me anxious and stressed out, they’re definitely not something I find enjoyable.

4: Have you ever puked in school or at work?  I remember getting sick once in kindergarten and having to rush outside to the trash can.

5: Have you ever been extremely sick where you couldnt even leave your bed? Yes, I’ve experienced that several times.

6: Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? I hate actually doing it, but afterwards I usually do feel better. There are times where it gets to the point where I wish I would just do it already and get it over with cause I know it’d help me feel better. That’s when I’m really not feeling well.

7: Have you ever coughed up blood?  No.

8: Should you be eating healthier ? Yes.

9: Do you lie to your doctor?  I downplay some things or not share certain things, admittedly. :X

10: Have you ever taken too much advils?  No. That would make me sick.

Mental Health:

1: Do you have a mental illness?  Yes.

2: Do you take anti-depressants? No.

3: Are you mentally stable?  Uhhh.

4: Have you ever been misdiagnosed? Yes.

5: Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? Maybe.

6: Is self diagnosing good or bad? I don’t see an issue with researching yourself and thinking you may have something, but it’s important to take that information to a doctor. However, sadly I know that not everyone is able to do that. And I also have a problem with doing that myself, which I think can cause unnecessary stress. I also think people tend to throw around labels and say they have something when they don’t. Gah, it’s a slippery slope.

7: Should we give more money to mental health research?  Yes, absolutely.

8: Do you think everyone has a chance to over come their mental disorders?  I think many can learn to better manage some of them, but I feel like they’re always going to be there. 

9: Would you ever not date someone if they had a severe disorder? ( Schizophrenia,BPD, mood disorders)? I don’t know and I’m probably horrible for saying that. I have my mental disorders and I know it can be a lot for people to be around and handle. I just... I don’t know if I’d be able to be there for them in a way they might need ya know? I lack the experience. I can’t say no for certain. I think it would just really depend on the situation and if I learned more about it. 

10: Does mental illness run in your family? Yes.

SEX

1: Virgin?  Yes.

2: what age did you lose it? 3: Did you take sex ed? 6th grade, middle school, and a health and psych class my freshman year in high school.

4: Does size matter?

5: Whats your favorite poistions?

6: Does virginity exist? I believe so. I know some feel it’s not a real thing or a social construct, but to me it’s a thing. It’s someone who hasn’t had sex. When you have sex, you’re said to have lost your virginity and to me that just means in the very literal sense that you’re not a virgin anymore. I’m not referring to it as something deeper. Although, it can be for some people. And while I don’t think it’s like losing some part of yourself or something life altering, I personally feel like I would feel a change in some way. I also want to add that it’s something I want “lose” or share with someone special. I don’t know, man. I’m sure I’m not explaining it well. It’s just a personal thing.

7: Do you think sex is overated?  I wouldn’t know.

8: Is making love and fucking different? One just sounds more romantic and slow and passionate and the other sounds rough lol 9: Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies?  Yeah.

10: If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? If it’s not consensual or your choice then you can choose not to count it is how I see it. Like yes, technically they’ve had sex, but something so horrific and traumatic doesn’t count. Losing their virginity should be done their way, with someone they want to share that with. In the situation they were raped, they’re allowed to take their power and control back and count it when they do so with someone they want to do, consensually. 

Check the box:

1.My hair color is: [x] Brown [] Black [] Blonde [x]Red [] Funky colors [] Auburn [] more than one color <<< It’s a mix of my natural color and red because I haven’t dyed it since February.

2.Eye color: []Blue []Grey [x]Brown []Light brown []dark brown []green []amber [] I have two different colors of eyes

3.I am a : []Male [x] Female []Trans Male [] Trans Female []Gender Fluid [] I dont have a gender []Non Binary [] other

4: I am: []Fit [] Average [x]Skinny []Fat

5: I love my : [x]Hair []Eyes []Smile []Teeth []Skin []everything about myself []None of these.  <<< Italicized because I only like my hair when it’s been dyed and my roots aren’t showing haha... unlike now.

6: I hate my: [x]Hair []eyes [xx]smile [x]teeth [x]skin [x] everything about myself [] I dont hate anything about myself

7: My feet are: [x]Small []Wide []Narrow []long []large [x]Ugly []Pretty

8: I have a hard time: []Finding something to wear [x]Making Friends [x] making food [x]staying focused

9: I am: []Employed [x]Not employed []retired []I can’t work []Self employed []Looking for a job

10: I love: []the moon []the sun [x]the stars []our galaxy []planets

Bold what is true:

I am Funny

I am a girl

I have no hair

I have curly hair

^ I hate it

I have straight hair

I have a dog

I have a cat

I have both

I love to get drunk

I don’t drink

I love to smoke weed but i hate smoking cigarettes

I love both

I rather have one best friend than 20 friends who i am not close with

My dad died

My mom died

My parents are both dead

My parents are alive

I like to touch my bruises

I have funny teeth

I love Mcdonalds fries

Sometimes when Im alone I sing as loud as I can

even if i cant sing

I believe in God

I believe in the butterfly affect

I hate video games

I wish I was taller

I can’t understand math

I am very good at writing an essay

I never had sex before

I love Mac N Cheese

I love Disney Movies

I prefer Dreamswork over Walt Disney

I am going to College

I finished college

I wish I went to college

I hate my job

I am the boss at my job

I have a feelings for a friend but i cant tell them because it would ruin our friendship

^ I have feelings and i told them

I wish soda was healthy

I sleep with the window opened

This survey was too long

[tfw-no-tennis]

hxh RESUME

back at it again w/the hxh, heres my recap of the last few eps 

ok so i totally forgot to recap that one ep at the end of the hunter exam arc lets see what i remember from like 3 wks ago lollll

i thiiiiink i left off in the middle of ep 21 lol. i really dont remember much tbh so im gonna skim the ep to refresh

exposition time! its so wild that if you lose ur hunter card That It like u cant get another or retake the exam hgabjdfuhasjf Ls 

also the fact that you can sell it is rlly interesting 

leorio & kurapika backing up gon as he confronts illumi again :’) good lil family 

illumi u fool. gon is a shounen protag. he can do anything he sets his mind to

the fact that gon thanks illumi for telling him where killua is....hes literally THAT polite like...what a perfect boy 

hisoka just fuckgin stepping out of the shadows....ok bitch 

the fact that gon fucked up illumis arm that bad with one hand....boi is STRONK 

AUGH AUGH AUGHHHH HISOKA IS SO CREEPY AUGHHH I HATE THIS BIIIITCH 

ok but like is illumi implying that hisoka is a fr p*do bc uhhhhh thats so nasty oh lord. pls stay away from gon, and killua, and like everyone as a matter of fact 

EWWWWWWWWWW I HATE HISOKA HES SO NASTY. PLS STOP MAKING P*RNO FACES IN RELATION TO 12 YR OLD BOYS. 

no but rlly what IS hisoka gonna do now. im assuming he’ll show up p soon (tho probs not in the zoldyc arc like i thought bc its shorter than i thought) 

ok the fact that they have the internet is hilariously wild to me for some reason....it just seems like this would be one of those fantasy shounen worlds with very little tech (a la one piece) but lol nope we can just google shit hvbhjdhjdfks

gon: it was fun when you beat me up for 3 hours and broke my arm! seeya dude!

i love gon he is so chill and doesnt seem to hold grudges except when it really matters (like hisoka and illumi) 

hanzo has.....ninja business cards....thats amazing hvbhsdjkujfnd

dont worry pokkle, leorio was basically carried thru the hunter exam by various people and also won by default. he still deserves his license tho

an exotic game hunter sounds pretty cool! i wonder if we’ll see pokkle again. kinda doubt it? that sounds pretty firmly non-combat based, and therefore probably pretty far from any plot lol

so gons dad is a bigshot huh.....whatever hed be a bigger deal if he didnt abandon his son tbh 

gon swinging his feet on the bench....sooo cute 

so ging could restore a bunch of ruins but he couldnt raise his son...ok

im just gonna be bitter at this guy for abandoning the most perfect boy vhbhjfbsjhdhbfsk sorry dude but being a good hunter doesnt make up for being a shit father 

gon is so precious ;_; 

WHAT WAS SATOTZ GONNA SAY TO GON???

why does it look like theyre googling things on MS paint 

ah yes, padokea, on the continent of Africa But Sideways 

idk if i talked abt it before but the world map is WILD lmao i love how its all the continents/landmasses scrambled around.....im super curious abt that weird island in the top center of the map, thats the only thing that immediately sticks out as not having a real life equivalent 

the music in this show is so charming :’) i love the main theme sm 

gon is sooo precious i literally cant get over it. and his hurry to rescue killua is so sweet....and i love how naturally charming/charismatic gon is....pretty much everyone he meets likes him, especially leorio and kurapika, who basically adopted him after knowing him for like a day, and continue to be completely taken by him

ok wtf is satotz & co talking abt......do they know something abt ging that they arent allowed to tell gon???? shouldnt gon have access to the same info now that hes a hunter? i need ANSWERS

i bet this whole thing abt the hunter exam not rlly being over is a metaphor abt the hunter exam NEVER truly ending bc youre always being tested, or st

ok the ED continues to be So Much like especially the last shot where the 4 main characters look like theyre posing for a JC Penny catalog while the singer goes FULL metal-screamo

ok ruth and i just rewatched the next two eps woohoo

i love that there are tourist busses that take people to the front gates so they can like pose for pics and stuff vhbhjafdsfkj and its like ‘ah yes here are where the local assassins live!’ thats so funny yet it makes so much sense

i love that leorio passed tf out during the bus ride. big big mood 

gon is so cute...hes like ok yes i understand that we’re not supposed to go in but i think they can make an exception for me bc im very polite. 

those 2 dudes r so ugly and so dead god bless

that bigass buster sword....sir please 

ruth and i rlly thot that the old guard guy was gonna turn out to be grandpa zoldyk or st lol

the fact that the dog managed to eat All their flesh but left some clothes....skill 

also the dog is named mike but it sounds like the guy is calling him miku hvbjdfssk

this cant be the first time some morons have been killed here likeeee 

i cant believe nobody has visited the zoldyk estate in 20 years damn they all rlly b havin no friends. depressing 

the whole gates thing is wild. also that part where gon gets the math wrong on the weight.....BIG mood kiddo 

ok the part where gons on the phone w/the butler is soooo good oh man. i love how gon just calmly dials the phone again after hes hung up on the first time and then YELLS....and leorio and kurapikas faces r so good 

also the butler guy unfortunately has a point, it isnt foolproof that gon is here Legit....but he IS let him see his tiny bf :( 

as ruth pointed out, the butler guy is reminiscent of kuro from one piece. same vibes 

maybe if leorio was jacked like he is in the manga/1999 anime he couldve opened the gate that first time around....Ls 

god i love this shows approach to Everything so far,....as ruth put it, half the time its like ‘oh wow they should do [x]/i wish theyd do [x] but ofc they wont cause its a shounen’ but then they DO do [x] and its like damn thats dope 

anyways i love how gon is increasingly approaching situations with his Plucky Shounen Protag Attitude in full swing, and he pretty much gets shot down every time. BUT his general determination to see killua bc killuas his FRIEND and hes gonna RESCUE HIM is still a good and pure motivating force 

like here, when hes climbing over the wall and hes like whatever i dont wanna have to deal w/being tested thats bullshit, i wanna see killua, my intentions are pure, im gonna try my luck with the dog....i was like ok yeah he’ll get over and like tame or defeat the dog and the guard will be suitably impressed bc nobodys ever done That before, and then gon will continue on to get killua 

but NOPE instead the guard calls him down and explains that gon Will Die if he tries that, and then the guard will die too for letting that happen. and gon is like oh shit my actions have consequences for people other than me, wow. 

and THEN the guard takes them in to meet the dog. and hot DAMN that is a scary creature. not even really a dog tbh. they did an excellent job making the dog Legit Scary and not just like, big and flashy looking....those eyes are so soulless, and the proportions are freaky 

and the guard says exactly what i was thinking - that gon would use his Country Boy Woodland Creature Skills to workaround the dog....but then the subversion - this creature is NOTHING like the woodland critters gon is probably used to dealing with. theres no way gon stood a chance here. the guard just saved him from a really unfortunate death 

i love all the Super Heavy Stuff in the servant house that seems so inconvenient vbhjdkfasjfld. also forgot to mention earlier but the guard guy being Absolutely Ripped was wild and kinda funny 

training montage! gon continues to be so cute. and i love so much how leorio and kurapika are like no, you rest, we’ll take care of this. good parents!!!!

and then!!!! they sync up and use the power of gay love to almost open the gate. but then gon uses the power of Improbable Shounen Protag Healing Speed to toss that arm sling off and help out

i feel like leorio was side-eyeing gon like w8 a sec u broke that arm like a few days ago that aint right.....

oh man i almost forgot abt that scene with the zoldyks torturing killua :( :( this poor kid he doesnt deserve that 

also mom zoldyck seems truly awful but i must say her aesthetic does fuck. the victorian-lookin outfit paired with the futuristic cyclops visor thing....excellent. also im betting this face bandages are from killua cutting her face 

this family is so fucked up hvbsjdhjfbakdfn

killua telling his mom that gon is definitely gonna make it there :’) hes got such unshakable faith in his bf thats so good.....

back w/the gang, and immediately they run into more trouble in the form of the young girl butler, whose name i dont know, but i love her....her design is SO good oh man. a non-caricature black person? who also isnt sexualized? in MY anime??????

 i love how gons approach to conflict is currently ‘let more powerful person beat me up for hours straight in hopes that they get tired or something idk bro’ like....i love him lol, is it in an effort to show how determined he is? he doesnt even try to dodge her blows or get around her....id be tryin to hop that fence lol 

oh shit the tiny zoldyk kid from earlier is spying on them....she was w/the mom so im sure thats not good

when he punches the rock part and it breaks....strong boiiii 

oh man that little flashback from when killua first came back and told her that he made a friend ;_; bruh 

i love butler girl :( she wants to let gon but knows it isnt allowed....and as soon as she starts to waver BAM here comes mom zoldyck JFC that was so sudden and jarring....im assuming butler girl isnt dead cause that would be lame and anticlimactic 

also IS THAT NEN??? NEN>>>??? NEN??? HM? NEN????????? 

im so annoying abt nen i need to make one of those ‘is this a pigeon?’ memes w/’is this nen?’ bc thats me anytime anything remotely weird happens lmao

i do think its rlly nen this time tho

anyways shit is wild, cant wait to meet the full zoldyck family 

PREDICTION CORNER: 

as i said above i doubt hisoka will show up now bc this arc is a lot shorter than i anticipated. also im doubting that illumis even gonna show up honestly 

i think we’re gonna have this OP for a while, as the part just at the end shows gon and hisoka fighting in what looks to be an arena, and ik the next arc is the heavens arena arc, which im assuming is the tournament arc....

also i have no idea what that weird building in the OP is but my guess is that its the building w/the heavens arena in it bc its tall and,,,,heaven 

i predict there wont be much fighting in this little arc bc how tf else is it so short. at this point i rlly think gon is just gonna grab killua and go lmao. im super curious abt how thats gonna go down, considering that killua is currently strung up just bc he wont apologize...so i cant imagine his family would just let him leave w/gon. i wonder if killua will fight them, or if gons determination will impress them and then theyll let killua go (doubt it)

thats basically it....we’ll see abt the next few eps holla

[cmncisspnandmore]

Don’t let me go, Part 3

A/N: It’s FINALLY here, part 3. It took me awhile to get it out but i did it, and im proud of myself. I will be updating my masterlist as well so you can catch up on any parts you may have missed or any of my other fics you might’ve missed. I hope you enjoy it!

Pairing: Spencer Reid X Reader Warnings: Anorexia, eating disorders, depression, drug use, mentions of past character death, extreme fluff? is that a warning? 

~~~~~~~

“What do you mean, you are, oh god, Y/N, you are enough, and you’re gorgeous.” Spencers lip quivered, and you leaned back against the cold shower wall. A shiver wracked through you and your thin fingers gripped the towel. You lowered your eyes to your bruised legs and your skin that was void of most color.

“Please, let me get dressed… I don't want you to see me. I will to you when i'm dressed. I just can’t let you see me like this.” You teeth chattered, and with a nod Spencer stood from the edge of the tub and closed the door. He sat on the edge of the bed and wrung his hands while he waited for you to some out.

While in the bathroom you dried off your body and hair, and pulled on a pair of sweatpants you stole from Spencers house when you stayed over, and a FBI sweatshirt you had gotten when you first joined. It was soft and comfortable, and honestly you knew in the back of your mind that this wasn't going to be a nice conversation with Reid. You pull your hair up and out of your face, and with a deep breath you pull open the bathroom door, and there you see Reid, sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, he’s staring out into space and talking to himself quietly. Something you have seen him do hundreds of times when he’s thinking about facts and going over what he’s trying to say in his head before he actually says it out loud. In his hand you can see the gold one year sober coin, rolling over his fingers. Ever since he had gotten it and figured out what another agent had meant when he said to hold onto it, Spencer had kept it on him. He turned it over in his hand and glanced up when he heard the door open.

“I know… I know you’re probably going to try to make me feel better with a bunch of facts about eating disorders and how i’m part of this huge statistic. But i can’t. I can’t listen to that right now. So could you try to be just a normal human and not a genius with an iq of 187 and profiles serial killers who are more fucked up than your best friend. I just need regular Spencer, the one who plays with my hair when he reads and lets me sleep on his couch way more than i should.” You hold onto the door frame and wait for him to respond.

Spencer pushes himself back against the headboard and pats the bed next to him, “I can be regular Spencer.”

You walk over to the side of the bed and sit next to Spencer, your hands shake in your lap, and he reaches over to cover your hands with his. “Start whenever you’re ready, I’ll listen to whatever you want to tell me.”

You chew on your bottom lip, and take a big deep breath, taking comfort in Reids hands holding yours.

“Okay, so do you remember when we worked that case in New Mexico, the one where the little girl was taken and we couldn't find her, and when we did find her stuck in that hole with the water rising and i was the only one who could fit in there to grab her, so i could lift her up to you and Derek. Well when i was down there and the water was getting higher and you and Morgan were trying to pull me out of there. There was a moment when i got caught trying to climb out to get to you, and all i could think about f i was just a little bit lighter, or a little thinner i wouldn't have gotten stuck. And the panic i felt in my chest when i was stuck and you and Morgan were trying to get me out was indescribable. For months after that the only time i slept was on your couch. And there was this voice in the back of my head that told me that if i lost a few pounds i wouldn't have been stuck. That you and Derek wouldn't have had such a hard time getting me out.” Tears trickled down your face and you couldn’t manage to look at Spencer.

“It started as just counting the calories i ate, making sure i wasn't over eating. But then it became a constant thing that i needed to do, i had to make sure i knew how many calories were in the things i was eating, then it slowly became that i needed to eat less to lose a few pounds and i promise Spencer it started as just that. I didn't mean for it to get this bad. Now i go days without eating, i can’t stop. It's been going on for months now, and honestly Spence, it scares me. I’m so out of it almost all the time, and it sucks. I don't enjoy life anymore, because everything is about trying to be skinny, trying to be pretty.” Spencers hands are shaking against your own, and it makes your heart clench. You were causing him to be this upset. This was all your fault, just like everything was. You would never be enough to make Spencer happy, no matter how skinny you were. Or how many pounds the scale told you, you had lost.

“Y/n, I have thought you were beautiful from the moment you walked in to the BAU bullpen. Your weight wasn't the problem getting you out of there, when you were coming up you got snagged on a tree root, and it took us a moment to get you untangled. I never would have wanted you to change who you were or what you looked like. You didn't need to be anything but yourself for me to like you or even notice you. Of course i like you, i have since i met you. And i know this probably sounds all jumbled and weird but i don't know how to express what i feel for you. I’ve never been an emotional type of guy. But with you it's different. I can't help but want to see you smile or hear your laugh. When you come into the office and you aren't smiling my heart aches.” Spencer grabbed your chin lightly, forcing you to look him in the eye.

“You’re only saying that because i'm sick.” You jerk your chin away and pull your knees to your chest, wrapping your thin arms around them.

“Why would i confess this only because you’re sick!” Spencer snaps, hurt flashing across his face.

“Because you feel bad for me… Just like everyone else will when they find out.” You look over at him, eyes misty with tears.

“You’re wrong, i wouldn't just say this stuff to you if i didn't mean it. You know that when i say things i mean them. Some of the best moments of my life are with you. But, i know that this conversation alone isn’t going to help you get better. But if you will allow me, i want to help you get better. I want to help you through this because i don't want to lose you. I can't. You're the only other person besides Maeve that i have felt like this about. If i let you go on like this and i lose you i will never forgive myself.” Spencer glances at his hands, more tears fall onto his lap.

You stay quiet for a moment, before leaning down and resting your head on his lap. Spencer wipes his eyes with one hand and then strokes your hair with the other. The thin strands nothing compared to what they used to be. “Okay… I want you to help me… Please Spencer..” you whisper and You see Spencer nod out of the corner of your eye.

“We’ll get through this. I’ll talk to Hotch and tell him we’re going to be requesting a leave of absence while we figure out what you need. Okay?”

“Okay.. i have something to tell you.” You flip onto your back, your head still resting on his lap.

“What?” he looks down at you, his right hand coming to rest on your arm, warmth spreading up your arm.

“I didn't eat that granola bar.”

“I know”

“What? You know?” You furrow your brows.

“I’m a profiler, I notice things. There wasn't a single crumb on the table by the wrapper.” He shrugs his left hand tangling in your hair.

“Oh… i guess i should've known you would catch on eventually.” You close your eyes, a headache building behind them.

“Let me go get you some crackers, and we can start with those okay? Just a few, and maybe a sports drink to get your electrolytes up. There's a small convenience store around the corner. While i'm on my way there i will call Hotch and let him know what's going on. And then we will make a few calls to Doctors and Therapists.” He smiles at you and you give a small nod.

“Alright, i’ll be right back, i’ll also grab something for that headache you probably have.” He gently lifts your head off his lap and then replaces it with a pillow. He climbs off the hotel bed and takes the blanket that was at the bottom of the bed and drapes it over you. You hear him grab the keys and his gun and start to head to the door.

“Spencer!” You sit up, and he turns, he has one hand on the door.

“Yeah?” He lets go of the knob and walks back over to you where you are now sitting up on the bed using one arm to keep yourself up the other fisting in the blanket.

As he stops in front of you, you reach up with one hand and wrap it around his neck pulling him down and hug him tight, “Thank you.” You whisper as a few tears fall and he wraps his arms around you.

“No need to thank me, get some rest, i’ll be back in a few minutes.” He pulls back and presses and soft kiss to your hair as you lay back down against the pillows, pulling the blanket up around your shoulder. You close your eyes, drifting off as Spencer makes his way to the black SUV and pulls out his phone and dials Hotchner.

~~~~~

Tag list

Criminal Minds: @morcialovechild @banananna99 @cynbx

Dont let me go: @itshaleighyo7 @galaxygallade @drw0301bieber @multifandom-ramblings @gothamsmarvel @neonshadowkilljoy @imaginativefanatic

[ladymusic600]

ET

My mom didn’t make a lot of money and my father left before i was born, I was already dealing with the shame of receiving free school lunches and the looks associated with that. Some of my school friends laughed and poked fun. They chuckled and I even joked about it with them. But for me, on the inside, it wasn’t funny at all. I know how tough it can be to use a soup spoon or button a shirt. I struggle with these seemingly easy, day-to-day tasks too. But I think it shows your true character to keep soldiering on and finding a way, day after day, to keep rising above the challenges. This is a nerve disorder causing uncontrollable shaking usually to the top half of the body. The tremors can make easy and everyday tasks so much more difficult. These tremors can make something as easy as feeding yourself, dressing yourself a challenge. A person with these tremors can have difficulty using a spoon or picking up a glass without spilling what is inside. This is something i have had sense birth. It truly does affect my entire body: my arms, hands, legs(which make me fall and trip), lips, stomach. It even affects my voice, which I find very stressful as it often sounds like I am about to cry when I am in a nervous situation- so phone calls would, naturally, be another source of anxiety for me as I was always worried the person on the other end of the phone would think I was upset. There are many factors that exasperate and intensify my tremor which include: anxiety, being hungry, being too tired, being too cold, being too hot, adrenaline, caffeine and the worst of all: being hungover. There is another huge point to cover here- alcohol completely gets rid of the tremor and when I say it completely gets rid of it, I mean it becomes non-existent, doctors say its ok to have a little but come on? wouldn't you drink like a fish out of water if it made you normal. Therefore throughout my teens I would often drink to self-medicate and relieve the stress that the tremor would put on me. Alcohol would also allow me to do everyday things that I couldn’t do with the tremor (for instance: walking down steps(i need to hold on someone or something), taking a drink, eating soup, writing, the list goes on and on.) I remember enjoying the feeling the alcohol gave me as it made me feel like a ‘normal’ person and I couldn’t believe that people were actually living their lives with this feeling of normality and I was extremely jealous of that. Imagine that, the one cure to your condition, is something that can actually kill you (or is extremely dangerous). But this was a really big problem for me and I was in denial for years that I had become dependent on drinking to calm my tremor and my anxiety. I had normalized using alcohol to self-medicate and kept it a secret for years. I decided to have a drink to calm myself down and stop my legs from shaking, when going out to meet new friends. Of course as one does when socializing this led to another drink and then another. The next morning and I realize my tremor is so bad that I can barely even stand up. So, I went through my options and decided the only real way I could even get out of bed was to have another drink… so I did. This cycle continued drinking, waking up with a hangover, not being able to stand/walk and then drinking again to be able to continue with daily life. The thing is my friends and family would have to carry me days after...So naturally i stopped drinking all together. People don't understand that one day you can be happy and notice its not as bad as you remember but then....there are those days where I have trouble holding things, i drop things on my feet, i fall over a ghost foot, needing help down stairs, i cut my hand, burn myself, can't dress myself, sound like im having a mental break down...i could go on and on how bad it gets....But Imagine waking up one day and trying to drink a cup of hot coffee without burning yourself. Just imagine when you have your good days and bad days, meaning good days being where you can do stuff without even remembering you have this shaking problem. To bad days literally where the moment you get up you know its going to be a long day of wanting to scream cry and throw everything in frustration because you can’t feed yourself or dress yourself, that you are kinda like a new born again, that you just want to go back to sleep and wake up the next day. But the next day might be the same or better you never know. And you know whats sad about this is im a small person and between 100-106 pounds and short and cops always stop me and ask for my id because they think im on drugs….i only met one cop and that day sadly was at night i was working on a children’s haunted train ride and we were both zombies. Not once did he every think that i was on drugs and it was like 60ish degrees out side and that was cold to me so i was shaking like crazy. I came to realize when i got home he just thought i was cold…then i got into my own head and started getting depressed. The thought of people feeling sorry for me, thinking of me as ‘helpless’, or weak was just awful heartbreaking and was one of the reasons why I kept it a secret for so long. I know if i every have a kid in the future that they will have this as well and that makes me cry thinking about them going through this as well. Im going put a innocent child in this world to get bullied like i did and not be able to do things on there own... Im still to scared to tell people about it, it's embarrassing. Eventually it will get worse which makes me sad but even then as far as neurological disorders go, it’s not as bad as it could be and for that I’m grateful. Like When im paying for stuff god i feel horrible because im shaking and nervous which makes it worse and im left feeling guilty and apologizing to everyone every time. Sometimes it makes me want to scream, fall to my knees and cry because i feel like im just slowing people down or they get embarrassed by me. I have difficulty cooking and have burned and cut myself multiple times, I can’t drive when my tremors are bad because Im scared…I’m at the point now where I avoid eating and drinking in public even if im out all day i still won’t. I’m socially awkward all the time even when im not shaking im just shy and weird haha. See The dating scene can be a bit tricky, especially with people who aren’t really used to seeing you, or anyone else, with tremors. I NEVER been on a date in my life and im kind of scared to go on one because i have to wear wrist and forearm weights. Essential Tremors is a progressive neurological condition that causes a shaking within the hands, head, voice or legs and in some cases an internal shaking is reported. Essential Tremors are most normally confused with Parkinson’s but is more common and while Parkinson’s lessens with more movement, ET worsens with movement, anxiety, stress and strain. Unlike Parkinson's, which is a degenerative disease that causes someone to lose brain cells, essential tremor is not a degenerative disorder. Usually, the tremor that's characteristic of essential tremor occurs while the person is performing a movement-oriented activity – such as eating, drinking, writing, typing or brushing teeth – or when the hand is in a still but outstretched position (called a postural tremor). The severity can range from a barely noticeable trembling that's exacerbated by stress, anxiety, fatigue, excess caffeine or certain stimulant asthma medications to a severe, disabling tremor that has a significant impact on your ability to perform daily activities. For people with severe tremor that doesn't respond to drugs, surgical therapies and other treatments are gaining traction. With deep brain stimulation, a probe is implanted in the thalamus, the part of the brain that causes tremors, and a wire runs from the probe to a pacemaker-like device implanted in the chest. "We use the pacemaker to jam the tremor signal inside the brain," "If the tremor gets worse, we can dial up the stimulation." Hearing that scares me, because you can't be asleep when you have this surgery, you have to be awake so they know they have it in the right place. Recent epidemiological studies indicate that individuals with ET are at slightly increased risk of developing dementia (particularly Alzheimer’s disease) compared to their age-matched counterparts without ET. Similar studies also show that persons with ET have a more than four-times increased risk of developing Parkinson’s disease. The mechanisms for these associations are currently under study. so….would you date me knowing possibly by the time im 40-50ish that i might need help with almost everything i do? would you date me knowing i could possibly give ET to our kid? would you date me knowing there are times where i scream bloody murder because i can’t handle the shaking?  would you date me knowing that there will be times where i zone out and get depressed because i either know my out come or because i im scared of it? i want someone who loves me and not because of sympathy…

[lokbobpop]

Fat

Fat: Word Origin and Use. In Old English fætt meant “fat, fatted, plump, obese,” and this word was originally a contracted past participle of fættian, which meant “to cram, or to stuff.” ... Slang took the word fat to meaning “attractive, up to date”—such as in phat—but this didn't start until the early 1950s

If you say that a person or animal is fat, you mean that they have a lot of flesh on their body and that they weigh too much. You usually use the word fat when you think that this is a bad thing. ... Fat is a solid or liquid substance obtained from animals or vegetables, which is used in cooking

Writing fat

Fat f at fa t

Im currently the fatest ive ever been in my life with menopause and a thyroid problem which makes me feel tired and with being over weight knee problems i just dont move go anywhere or do anything and the weight has just piled on it just keeps getting bigger and bigger im nit at a point of how much bigger can i get i feel awful i need some knee supports i probably need to cut all bread and recover somewhat from this as its bring me down being this fat.

Reading fat

Ive actually been overweight most of my living life chubby under 10 semi normal until 22 them the weight just came on big time it just loaded on for well over 35 years its like ive had not control over what i eat and the amount of exercise i have i look at my tummy now and see as my boobs rest on them and think come on get your act together lose some weight but then i think oh my knees hurt im always tired i cant move so i just go round and round with this all the time there has only been a handful of times that ive lost weight and its only been off for months and just gone straight back on again you cant even call it yo-yo its hardly off long enough.

Diets ive done a few i have dieting it just seems horrible to starve all day and exercise to much just puts me off i dont want to do so much as its gets boring i need food and just walking i reckon to keep fit no big crazy fitness.

There are some really fat people a friend i meet today who is obese is really fat and im like why the hell arent you doing anything about it i go into blame that they should look that bad why don’t they have any self control of cause its all about me and why dont i have any control over my eating and my weight and being upset at myself and not her.

The western world is suffering from a weight epidemic where in other countries like Africa they are starving to deaf how can this at all be possible you may ask how do people still not have enough good to even eat its just so wrong who is letting this happen well we all are really arent we we can’t really blame the billionaire we also play a roll in just knowing this happens and saying no more stop this now but we dont we carry on because we dont even see this every day si its not affecting us.

My tummy fat is of general fear everyday fear in the gut area im only mostly fat there chest a big arms a bit arms being carrying burdens but if you do0nt do any exercise its just not going to magically come off het at the end of the day.

Saying fat

My mother is obsessed with fat being fat fat people and myself and my brother being fat it get s your down but i do know id be the exact same if one of my daughters was fat i wouldnt like it ive picked up from her and my dad fat is bad you look bad dont do it it’s embarrassing having yo fat fat people have a problem there not as good as normal people i hate to say it but there is some truth in that as fat is a though problem the body has been storing the fat because you’ve not got a healthy mind so yes clean your thoughts up and bam you clean your life up.

My grandad was also crazy about being fat he was slim and would think im fat.

What am i going to do about my weight well i have to start something hey knee support as it does hurt cut back on bread it does blot

My husband and brother has recently lost lots of weight and look so much better you know when you lose weight you feel great and compare yourself to others sad but true.

I could go on and on because im upset at my own fat and i feel depressed about it but it just fat and thats it right nothing else so it just some hard work that needs doing.

Sf

Does this definition support me no i see im down with my weight at the moment and i need to heal i need to move and i need to not eat so much. Love myself and all others with weight problems.

Fat fact

Extra energy to be used up get into the physical use that weight to move yourself to feel your body.

I will use this word to get into my body to feel myself to see myself to become more into me with it to see that my physical is here with me by getting and moving with my body yes

[the-energon-hole]

The tfp bots and their s/o who they find curled up in dark room (either by accident or frantic searching) crying because theyve been very stressed and depressed lately and its taken a mental toll on them. I just really need some bot comfort my heads gone to shit and im confused in life. Sorry for blurting my feelings but i need bot love and thank you love the blog. ❤️

((A/N I am proud of how this one turned out, and I am sorry you feel so awfully about something- I get like that too every now and again, but I have a great network of support around me to hep perk me back up when I am feeling bad. You didn’t specify bots, and I kind of wanted this to be special and written well, so I just picked my top three from TFP if that was ok. The bots I am most comfortable writing for and the ones whose characters I know very well… I wanted to diversify emotions and situations each bot would find you in- I hope you feel better soon and I hope this is adequate enough for you to read))

Optimus Prime

-He was a rather busy bot- he did  a lot of work to make sure this whole Autobot/Decepticon conflict didn’t blow up the entire planet, and harm more people than it already has, it was a full time job. He sometimes felt bad because he did not have time to constantly spend with you, but it was what you agreed to when you decided to be together- as no offense to you, certain things have to come before you, like the welfare of your planet. Though, he has noticed that you have been rather distant lately- and that scared him a little bit, truthfully he tried very hard to distance himself from you, mostly to protect you, but you were always so open with him it almost felt wrong not to seek you out. He had the time to do so now, or at least time in the moment where the world wasn’t hanging in the balance by a small thread, so he sought you out in all of your normal get away acces. Places you told him about where you like to go when the weight of the world became to much for you- and you just needed somewhere to go to forget everyone and everything. He doesn’t want you to forget for to long the troubles you face, after all, the way you handle a situation is very important- and it is avery terrible thing to run and hide all of the time. He found you in one of the first places he looked, a small dark corner of the base that had been abandoned by everyone but you, and he could see you curled up and sobbing slightly- and he felt his spark tug  little in sadness, he should have been there for you more and he was very sorry for that.

-He learned long ago that it was just easier to allow someone to vent their feelings, rather than interrupt them and cause a conversation to happen to early- and the person not be fully tady to share their feelings. He approached you slowly, and took you into his servos as you continued to cry as if he wasn’t there- he had time now, so he just sat in the corner you once were hand held you while you sobbed, he would wait for you to be ready to share. It was only a few minutes more of your sobbing, before you sniffed a little and began to perk up to look at his sparkling energon blue optics, you noticed he was waiting patiently to hear what you had to say when you were ready, and it was always something you appreciate about him and his character- his patience and never ending love he seemed to hold for all kinds of people ad bots, it almost made you feel undeserving. You spilled your feelings to him- your fear of the future, your fear of the present, and even some fears about the unknown- and he just stared and nodded as you continued to rant and rave while tears fell heavily from your eyes. He didn’t respond right away, but sighed as he leaned in close and touched your face with one of his digits- “It is hard carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time, it is a difficult task to not only take care of yourself , but take care of those around you” he began “allow me to take some of that burden, allow me to bare some of your fears- if we are to be one, than your anxiety will be my anxiety, and I will do what I can to help quell all of thee fears you have.” You thanked him for his kind words and loving gestures, as you embraced his faceplate with your body in a tight embrace- he was the leader of the strongest Cybertronian force and was an icon to all who needed him to be, qnd right now he was all yours and was here to love and listen to you- you never in your life have felt so lucky to have him to yourself, even if you have to share him majority of the time. He was always there when you needed him to be your rock, nd in the end, that was all that really mattered.

Bumblebee

-A lot of people considered him to be a great comfort in times of need- mostly because he doesn’t have a real voice to respond to problems presented to him. In a way though, losing his voice has made him mush more of a sympathetic bot- he finds that he enjoys helping those who are just so frustrated and sad vent out their problems to the world and actually try to solve them. He thinks it’s always better to just let it all out rather than bottle it up inside and let it fester and grow into something ugly and resentful. He isn’t the best at comforting words or gestures, but if you find yourself in need of someone to talk and cry to- he was always the first in line to be that someone. You appreciated how kind hearted the gentle Bumblebee was, he thinks he isn’t much of a comfort and is only good for listening- but really he was the best bot to go to when you had problems. He loved hearing you talk and he loved hearing you complain, ironically, as you two had such similar thought patterns it was as if you were communicating for the both of you sometimes. He wouldn’t know what to do without you anymore, you were such a big and impactful part of his life now that everytime he thought about you it gave his spark little flurried of electric excitement to even be thinking about being in your presence. That’s why when you disappeared and hasn’t returned for awhile, he grew a little restless and worried. He knows sometimes you liked to run and pretend life didn’t exist, but you had been gone much too long for his comfort and he needed to seek you out and make sure for himself that you were ok- even if the others insisted that you were most likely unharmed. He didn’t care, they didn’t know you like he did- and he knows that you shouldn’t run and hide from your problems when you have a perfectly good bot to bring them to whenever you needed him to be there.

-He found you after a little bit of a frantic search, he wasn’t really thinking clearly through is worry and distraught, You were simply sitting alone, looking forlorn and sad as you hugged yourself a little while just staring into the empty void of space. He knew that look, he had seen it on you many times before when you were racked with worry over something you had little control over. He noticed that is what cause you most of your stress- worrying over the things you can’t seem to change because it is out of your scope of power to do, he can relate, as there is a lot of things he isn’t able to do or change in his life too. He can sometimes spiral downwards into a depression about it too, the only difference is he has a great support network to build him back up after he has been feeling down, before him you had almost no one- and that was a big travesty. You were such a nice and kind person, you deserved better than to be wracked with constant fear all the time, so he made it his life’s mission to be your network of support- he would be there for you even if you didn’t want to be there for yourself. He never felt like this about anyone before, so he took it upon himself to make sure you were always hapy and you always felt the same way he did- it was a big job, but e was down for the wok if it meant he could spend more and more happy moments with you. He just sat next to you, as you leaned into him for physical support, and you just sat and continued to stare off into space. He didn’t mind- sometimes just actually being there was enough to let you know that everything will be ok, he can be that ground you need to keep you on track and thinking clearly.It was another hour or so before you were ready to go somewhere to maybe get something to eat, or just change your dreary scenery so you would be more willing to talk and engage, and Bumblebee was always more than willing to be or personal car- it was nice always having a ride somewhere when you needed it. Little did you know though, that he would always be there when you need it- he might not be the best at words, but his attempts at comfort were always so sweet and caring.

Arcee

-When you look at a bot like Arcee, you are under the assumption that she is pretty hard core and isn’t exactly the nurturing and caring kind of femme. You would be right to assume that, but it’s not fair to just write her off like that because she isn’t very good with words or comforts. She is the definition of being a product of her upbringing- and war and fighting is all she really knows how to do, not to say she isn’t familiar with the physical aspect of relationships, she was just a little fuzzy when it came to comfort and love. Not to say she doesn’t enjoy cuddling and spending time with you doing all these mushy things, she is just a little more conservative when it comes to special times like that- she wants them to remain that way, special. She understand thought that you weren’t always the best of head spaces, she can relate to that one very well, so when you were feeling off about something or unsure about something else- she was always there to reassure you in her own special way. She was a little more harsh in her comforts than you would like, but you know that it is just her way of trying to perk you back up and make you feel stronger and wiser. She is a little funny when it comes to sharing her real feelings- as in you thought Bumblebee was bad with words, Arcee was probably the leader when it comes to cotton mouth syndrome where she swears her mouth dries up and she cannot speak properly. It was cute that she was so bad at what she was trying to do, and it was endearing that she tried so hard to please you with her words- even if majority of the time they absolutely fell flat and had no leverage whatsoever. It wasn’t her words as much as it was her attempts at making you feel better, she was much sweeter and kinder than she liked to let on, but that was ok since you were one of the rare few that got to see that much softer and squishier side of a bot who has gone through so much heartache and war- that thought was almost always enough for you to feel better, knowing you had the undivided love and adoration of such a wonderful femme- she was like the light at the end of your tunnel. Granted, she was a blistering light that shone a little too bright at times, but that’s ok, because you know that in the end she will always be there for you when you needed it most. WHich was why when she noticed you hasn’t turned up for quite awhile, she decided that it was time to seek you out, whether you wanted her to or not.

-She found in in an unusual spot, which was why it took her so long to find you, and she could tell right away that you had been crying recently. Your eyes were red and your cheeks a little puffy and stained from all the liquid that forced its way through even if you protested it. She felt her spark tug a little as she saw how much anguish and pain you seemed to be in- since you weren’t bonded she had no idea what was bothering you, she didn’t know exactly how to comfort you in this moment. She went with her instinct and gut feeling, and slowly approached you as she sat close enough to you to where you could lean to one side and she would be there- it was nice to feel sometingwarm like her frame, rather than the cold emptiness you felt inside during times like this where you just can’t control how your emotions come out. The weight of the world sometimes just felt so crushing, and knowing there was so much that you couldn’t fix or change, it was hard and ade your heart clench a little in sadness. You felt her use one of her digits run through the locks of you hair, and it was comforting and soothing to feel how gentle she can be when you needed it. She was somewhat a constant in this crazy life you live in- and even if sometimes you had to share her with the younger Jack, you knew that she had enough room in her spark for the two of you. Besides, she’s here with you right now and not with him, that certainly says a lot- as it was almost like she could sense when you were feeling bad and would come running to your rescue like this. You leaned into her touch and smiled a little through a new wave of tears that were falling, and you spilled a lot more than you wanted to in her direction when she asked was what was troubling you. In the end you felt like you might have overwhelmed her a little with your words, but she took it rather well and was just there to sit and listen-she didn’t offer any words of comfort or any kind of kind gesture of warmth. She was just there, and you were just there, and sometimes that’s enough to let you know that everything would be ok.

[soul-shikamaru]

Im glad i found this now I understand no matter how much I try to lose weight it doesn't go away, and that im not unhealthy. I mean yeah i eat a good bit but hey im starting to be comfortable at my current weight (im 6" and 225lbs) but now i look back at this and my heritage which makes sense now. I just wish some people would understand that. I have been bullied because of my weight so I just started wearing baggy clothes to hide it, things like big hoodies, cargo shorts, and jeans i always wore or even swimming trunks. I never was able to take my shirt off at a pool or even wear cool clothing because it made me look even fatter than i was, which really hurts when you are in this generation of judgement. But it doesn't help that my own mother called me fat and that i needed to exercise, I was not an inactive kid i ran, rode my bike, played football and basketball with friends, and would catch wild animals like turtles, lizards, and frogs. I have bad back problems aswell because i was forced to lift heavy stuff and whenever i said my back hurts they would say it doesn't or that im too young to have back problems, which now really hurts i have to crack my back and neck every morning because if i dont it hurts to move at all. All this could've been avoided had my parents listened to me, so i just stay inside and play videogames or do small exercises inside or even play with my cat (ill put a picture of her after this). My only sanctuary was videogames cause i could do practically anything without a single consequence, then i found anime which really helped with my depression at the time. I had also been one that couldn't tolerate pain or loss i cried quite a bit and i was called a crybaby, my parents went as far as telling me to "suck it up" or "quit crying over nothing" that has made me unable to cry at all i cant cry from loss anymore, which let me tell you really sucks because now i just seem like an emotionless person to everyone who doesn't know about this, only a couple of my friends know why i seem emotionless when i dont have to put on an act, which may seem easy but isnt.

So heres to all of you future parents/current parents, dont do this to your kids, no matter what you think is good for them just dont force them to exercise or to lift stuff for you that is really heavy and if they get fat just dont tell them their fat and dont tell them they need to eat less or to stop playing games and watching tv. and just dont make them repress their feelings especially boys cause that is what hurts the most. Over all just dont be like my parents were.

From Twitter.

[i-am-the-floor-goblin]

long one under the cut bois

So, Here’s the thing. I’ve had chronic pain for.... what? um. officially? a year and a half. Unofficially?... 5 years? Honestly? Probably since I was like 7 or someshit. When I was younger I used to struggle to sleep because of the pain in my knees. But no one really made a big deal about it so... I figured it was normal. And then my back started to really hurt... but I was also suicidal at the time so.. my doctor was very dismissive of anything but that. Even this crippling pain in my stomach that led me to drop out of school. So I figured it was normal.. And then for a couple of years I would try again sporadically and get generic “do more exercise and lose weight shit” to, and i shit you not, the girl with a fucking eating disorder. So, I didn’t go to the doctors again for a long, long time. probably about 4 years? Until my childhood friend was found dead in her dorm room. That triggered a depression and anxiety so profound it was the first time I ever agreed to go on antidepressants.  The first doctor I saw was an actual angel. He genuinely cared. I went back again I think a few months later? And she just threw meds at me. So many infact I still have some of them left a good 3 years later. So, naturally;  I didn’t go back. Flash forward to February 2019. My left knee was fucked. I could. Not. Walk. it hurt so badly all the time. Saw a paramedic at my surgery who legit gasped when he checked the mobility of my knee (this part of the story is important for later). It bent back so far he was legit just like “oh no”. So he gave me the good cush pain killers and a referral to a physio. My physio referral got lost. So I gave up. Until: August. I’m doing the dishes when a blinding pain shoots through my wrist. I could not move it, could not move my fingers without hot burning pain in my wrist. Could not even breathe. So, I went to the doctor because thats what you do when you’re in pain right? Dude didn’t even look at me. Asked me to put my hand flat on his desk. I couldn’t. So, he sent me to get blood tests for arthritis. While all this is going on mind, I was trying to ask my company to step down from a supervisor back to barista because I kept ‘hurting’ my shoulders while cashing up and the strain of carrying £800 in change every day back and forth from the safe to the office to cash up was killing my back and knees. Just keep that in mind. Blood tests came back.. Absolutely fine. The doctor who sees me cannot understand why that statement makes me cry. She was ready to send me on my merry way. So, with no explanation of what they are or what they’re for, she threw meds at me. I didn’t take them. Things get so bad and my pain is so extreme that I’m seriously starting to give up. Then, I remember the nice doctor from years ago. So I ask specifically to see him. God it was like a different dimension. He was like “oh that sounds like you’re subluxating your joints” and explained what the meds from the other lady were for and just really validated my feelings. Made me feel less crazy. Because sometimes you do feel crazy. I got re-referred to physio. After I casually wrote an incident report at work which is read by HR and my area manager, I amazingly went from being told there’s “just no way for me to step down” to demoted in about... a week? Physio goes really well. She was so lovely. I went every 2 to 3 weeks. I built up muscle really well. Learned that the way I hold myself will help keep my joints in place. It was a really validating experience. Both because she could recognize how fucked up my joints were and how gentle the exercises had to be to prevent me from just, breaking. And also because every time she’d tell me she could tell how hard I was working. That I really was trying and doing it.

Enter Covid.

so of course physio got canceled.

And the months go by. lockdown was fine. my hips subluxed during. so I had a few weeks of not really being very mobile, which was pretty scary since I live alone. But heyho. And then back to work. my body threw an almighty tantrum. I dislocated my big toe for one thing. But I didn’t work out that was what it was until after a “phone consultation” with the meanest physio ever. She basically told me I was delusional and to stop wasting her time. All because I told her “I think I may have subluxed my toe”. which probably would have gone over fine if it weren’t for the fact, I hadn’t had any kind of trauma to the area. I was in work, and one second I could stand and the next second? I could not put any weight on my right foot for fear of blinding pain. Sounds... uhhh familiar right? So I just... bought comfier work shoes and bandaged my foot as tight as I could.. and managed. I did end up calling the doctors again about 2 months later when the pain just. would. not. ease up. I still cant wear shoes that dont have really soft soles. So, I had more blood tests... that came back... FINE! BUT, Thats okay! Because the big appointment has finally arrived! The one my good doctor and my physio both told me would be the answer to all my prayers. Finally. I was going to a Rheumatologist! So my brother picked me up. Off we went to the hospital. I had to go in alone, because, you know.. covid. And I finally after a year of being on this waiting list, get called into the doctors office. At first it seems to be going okay. He’s taking notes, listening to my “story” (his words not mine). so then came the physical examination... where he made some bold claims. and then it was over. He sat me back down in his office and told me. “you dont have hypermobile joints, and theres nothing wrong with you”. Right? So, when I didn’t leave his office. He then backtracked and tried to throw “Chronic pain syndrome” at me. Bitch. Thats a fucking symptom not the cause. So, I still didn’t leave. So, this man deadass asks me what I think it is then. And so I was like “I dont know crazily thats why im here?????????????????” And he told me to go on GET THIS hypermobility forums online!!!!!!!!!!!!!! amd see what people on there recommend to help with pain and shit. He THEN asked me if I think I have fibromyalgia. Fam. Again. You are the doctor. I am a very sad 24 year old. And that was that. Bye. Peace out. Come back if you get any real symptoms. (No really he told me I was free to come back if I developed anything he could actually help with) So I walked out of his office. Back to the carpark where my brother was waiting. and then I cried. I cried so fucking hard man. it’s been 3 weeks and 3 days since that fucking day. I’ve stopped taking my meds. I dont eat. I haven’t had work this week so I haven’t left the house. Not once. I can’t even cry anymore. I’ve been depressed before and I’ve been suicidal before. But that was always grief fueled. Anxiety filled. This one hits different. I realized during lockdown I was depressed again. You know. The world is having a hard time atm. Throw in any extra struggles and its ripe for the old brain sads. But I am struggling to think of a time when I was ever this bad. Like. I am actually afraid of how unwell I am at the moment. And how unseriously my friends are taking it? And it hurts you know? Because a colleague of mine is having a hard time and my best friend is there for her... but not for me... and its just fucking with me even more because I for the first time in my god damn life. In the 13 years I’ve been depressed I reached out. I actually told the people who are supposed to care about me “Hey, im really not great atm” and they did exactly what I always knew they would. nothing. Thats not to say though, that my brother is like that. He is my ray of light. The only family I have. God. I would be so lost without him. But I just dont know what to do. I dont want to talk to some stranger over video call for “therapy” and I dont know if I’d be able to tell a doctor what’s wrong over the phone...and I am just so fucking lost. Covid is making this all so much harder. I just dont know what to do. I feel so lost. I needed to write this out though. Writing helps me clear my head.