#just need to isolate myself
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is everything okay? you're offline for so long
i don't really have the will to live anymore
#i'm just answering this to let you all know that i'm gonna be offline for a while now#just need to isolate myself#whatever you all say it doesn't matter cause i'll always feel like the biggest failure and nothing's gonna change that#i'm sorry#i just can't do this anymore i'm sorry#i saved every letter you wrote me*
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reminder that making time for your friends, even when you're tried and socialising feels overwhelming is important to do every so often. it's especially important to do this actually.
time alone can be good, for a time, but humans are social creatures and we need to talk to people, there's nothing wrong with that!!
sometimes the more time you spend alone the more your brain will tell you to stay alone. that's not true, you're allowed to (and should!!) see people that are important to you. sometimes that alone can be surprisingly healing.
#hello again!!#ive been in a bit of a SLUMP and started isolating myself but i just visited a friend and saw a show they worked on#and then stopped at a cute little coffee shop on the way home and seeing people being kind to each other and my best friend#was exactly what i needed!! truth be told i secretly hoped this trip would get cancelled somehow but im so so glad it didn't!#feeling very much in love with the world again <333#reminders#social anxiety#love letters to you
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in the backs of my eyes, light does not reach. black and white, monochrome stars, inky null and blinding full. others dream, and my thoughtlessness seeks. though i cannot see, and though i cannot breathe in every moment my eyes breach free- i dream. not for grandeur, not for fillment, i dream of nothing but hope. for days where i could, for the days i would dream. sitting in the back seat. squalid radio turned to rage. looking at her shoulder’s locks, dreaming of the cage. taken to my first bar, shown my first rave not forgotten, not forsaken, the only love i will take to my grave. cigarettes and mud, alleys and grunge all i wanted was saving. gone so far, seeded so deep, until it whittled into camaraderie. when the shows over, she’d take me home and leave me in her bed. that night i would be cherished, and that morning we'd be fed. i see their faces in my dreams, as every possibility, every tangle, every thread, every filament held together. like a bastion of memory, creating false to fill the empty. to grant hope to a greyscale null. * * starlight ash, the null of the void, the hopes of a begotten child. is there anything to hear, when the screams are of fear, or choking of brittle and tears? his hopes were so mild, his rage was unbridled, how could she be any different? feel her eyes shiver, feel her soul take, feel the ties of the poverished ingrate. your help cannot find it, your thoughts cannot find it, your hands cannot feel it, your heart cannot take it, your legs cannot shake it and your teeth cannot break it. in every part of you is her no matter how hard you fight it has been the end of her not of her blight. only of her light.
#im so tired. i want anyone to talk to or be with. ever. i miss being alive. i miss dreaming. i miss hoping. i miss having things to hope for#it doesnt have to be too late. so i try. but it always ends up feeling like it is. im so alone. so scared. i just need a way in. to life.#a way into a group. something other than this isolating pain.#this is the best way i could describe my feelings. esp since begging for attention doesnt work. but it isnt enough. i have so many dreams.#so many hopes i am forgetting every second. please. god i wish i could be normal and not have to beg or bare myself fully like this.#i honestly wish i could be more private but i need to beg. and idk how else to. im so desperate for any interaction god fuck i hate it here
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#So. firstly. I need to inform y'all I -for the longest time and very early on- just convinced myself Snavid living with Kaz#in his isolated Alaskan cabin was 100% canon and I had no doubt whatsoever until I started seeing people writing posts like#“omg imagine they lived together bla bla bla” this year and I was like “🧍 wdym imagine isn't that factually canon” (no it isn't)#Secondly. just making sure. this isn't solimiller. Kaz's his sort-of-step-dad to me -aside from his former teacher (master)- & nothing else#Just a (closest thing to a decent) fatherly figure he respects and values#That being said. This is what would've happened had Kaz not been killed in 2005#metal gear#metal gear solid#mgs#solid snake#kazuhira miller
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tumblr kww fandom was formed seperately from most other social media corners of the fandom. and that leads to silly things like the commonly used name "kww collab" and kenfies vs kenifies. and probably more. cedar if theres any more im forgetting that u know of say them pls
(in response to this confession)
#confessions#series: kww collab#very true! i have not interacted w ANY other part of the fandom myself#but. it fascinates me deeply#i think that like. the kww collab fandom on tumblr is innately based off the original theorisers? maybe???#like. i was the one who came up w calling it kww collab bcs we needed a tag to group all our theories! thats the origin of the name!#ship name kenfies MIGHTT have come from this blog? i have a discord message of me coming up w it on jul 1 bcs there was a confession abtthe#and kenfies is what i went with. thats the best explanation i have (the funniest part is me not even shipping them)#(an alternative was wifen (as proposed by nia))#this fandom was just innately started differently and in isolation#and its really fucking interesting#tumblr users often not using any other social media plays into it too i think ?#but. yeah i cant think of any other examples that would showcase this difference bcs as mentioned i am just not on other places LMAO#ao3 ofen being heavily associated w tumblr as WELL AS saiint havng posted a Lot of kww fanfic is also the reson why kww collab is usedon ao#anyway yep you are right. i am deeply fascinated#yet another long ramble in the tags#(yk i just realised that this sounds like im tooting my own horn and trust me chat im not sorry if it came off that way sadfhslgk.#i just SOMEHOW was vaguely important in this fandom i guess)
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shout out to little nightmares for teaching me how to draw things other than generic anime girls, ily little nightmares ^_^
#im srs with the caption tho i used to only draw generic anime girls before LN2 came out#tbh tho i was going through my gacha phase and a mha hyperfix then#not fun silly times#also yeah i have myself a VLN six design now!!#tbh ive always had i just barely draw her#pretty should be allowed to be besties with the main group#let them teach her the magic of friendship#she’s not mean she’s just lived an extremely isolated life she defo needs them#<— same w/ hunter considering how isolated the game implies him to be :(#i mean does he even go outside of the woods in canon at all??#at least he’s canonically touching grass ig#little nightmares#little nightmares 2#very little nightmares#little nightmares fanart#ln six#ln hunter#ln rk#ln pretender#ln rcg
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Logging out for a bit.
#It's so useless to be here when i'm going through hard times#I won't find answers I won't find support and I won't find comfort#Nobody wants to see someone being sad and complaining on here. I feel so invisible when i'm going through it. It makes it even worse...#I pour my heart out to be ignored and to feel even more isolated you know#Which i understand in a way. Everyone has their own problems to deal with#I think deep down like so many of us. I do need attention and distraction to get out of my damn mind#Specially since I moved out and socialize less cause i'm far from friends and family#but ah well who cares about context. You just see a whiny person. I'd avoid myself too.
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What's this?!?!
A SECOND SUMMONER WITH A STEEL CHAIR?!?!??!??
BEHOLD. Summoner VickyT, Legendary Accountant, Avid Collector of Manga (unfortunately sparse to non-existent in Askr), and older sister of Moe!!!
When my sister @vickyt-mv / @sotiredmostnights made her design, I was EAGER. EAGER. To figure out how I'd draw her! And parse out the dynamic between her and Moe!!
Something really fun was getting them to look like siblings, when they look quite different! It's all in the face, I think! And... adding a little something, a personal touch... VickyT's halo cowlick ties into Moe's horns!
I also. Attempted Heel Math. The dreaded heel math.
But to be so real I may just go off of vibes. Just know that there are supposedly canon heights, here. These doodles are also to compare their outfits! Esp in how they match... Because. Well.
Universal constant, so it seems.....
That's all for now!!!!! I do have..... Lore...... extensive Lore......... but don't you worry about that. Yet.
#fire emblem#feh#summoner oc#YAAAAAYYYYY YIPPPEEEE YAAAAYYYYYYYY 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉#two of them... can you believe this.....#THE LORE. FIGURING OUT THE LORE WAS SO FUN. like first thought we have p dif tastes#so a lot of our fave charas actually don't overlap. alfonse is just a blorbo in law to her.#i barely do anything w anna. i appreciate her but i struggle to come up w lore for her. so. so. What If...#like the two of them could feasibly exist in the same askr.#but i am going to stop myself bc i would like to make a whole ass post about it. i just need to organize my thoughts#still i will say balancing The Themes. like the intense isolation of the summoner. SO FUNNY#how that theme just gets a boot to the head. but trust me it's still there and still prominent.#i just need to balance out The Timeline. so that everything falls into place as it should. for BOTH of them#that. will come later though. i promise. i swear...#vickyt tag#moe tag#sister lore#my art
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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#sigh sigh sigh sigh#don't mind me I am. yet again. just needing an outlet#I just wish I could exist and interact with people in the way they deserve and the way I want to#for someone who desperately craves human connection I'm really fucking awful at maintaining it#oscilating between needing to isolate and hating myself for doing it because it's good for a moment and then just ends up feeling awful#I desperately need to change something and yet I don't know where to start and how to go about it#simon.out.#I keep thinking what changed and what's wrong and why things don't seem to be working anymore#I keep coming back to the incident on summer holiday but at the same time. who the fuck knows.#I don't feel like myself 70% of the time I'm out these days and come to think of it I really don't know who I even am or was or whatever#you know. your regular sunday thoughts i guess#silly tumblr reblogs please fucking safe me
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I need to sleep for 70 hours and then maybe I'll feel not evil again
#Robin processes emotions on main#mghmfph#THE BRAIN GUCK#holy spirit fix me. holy spirit. holy spirit save me#the stupid brain guck man..... I need to move out I need to sleep more I need to. need to be braver#I need to write this new story idea I need to. bury myself in zombie au#my brain's coming up with new ocs and even as I'm doing it I'm going wow these are the ocs of a stressed-out teenager#I'm not a teenager but living with my parents again is making me feel like one I NEED TO MOVE OUT#ANYWAY#everything will be fine I'm just venting#I'm just particularly frustrated with myself today and talking myself through it. I hate feeling selfish. ugh.#I wish I had money for therapy :[#I want to do therapy again. but it's just me my comfort media and the holy spirit against the world right now#also in addition to feeling selfish I'm feeling super isolated#I HAVE NO COMMUNITY no irl community anyway#and living with my parents... makes it. genuinely super hard to try to make community. ugh. again: wish I could move out and get therapy#figure out what I'm DOING figure out people to do it WITH#yeuch that was a lot of gross emotions and thoughts sorry#love you. have a glass of water or something. that's what I'm going to do now#oh also I'm stressed out Today bc parents are having friends over and I don't feel up to it. but I like them. but I just want to sleep#SIGH#okay I'm done for real now
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I just want to be some guy
As a trans man, I don’t really feel like I belong anywhere in the lgbt+ community because I’ll never be attractive to anyone (which is why I ID as queer but even then I feel outcast) and it…. it really hurts sometimes. I’m simultaneously too masculine and not masculine enough.
in the men who are attracted to men spaces, most people when they see me think I’m a twink because of being short/small and/or for being trans/nonbinary. They think I’m hairless, feminine, boyish, submissive, etc. I’m…. at this point in my life I am really really not. Testosterone has made me male and everything that entails. I’ve gained (healthy! good for me!) weight and my stomach sticks out, I’m covered in body hair, I am partway to balding. All the things that are conventionally unattractive about men. All the things that are demonized in trans men. I’m too masculine to fit their idea of a nonbinary person. But masculine in “the wrong way”. I have to either be muscular/fit or small and hairless to be wanted here. I don’t even count as a bear, you’d probably just call my shape a “dad bod”. This isn’t just some vague feeling I get in these spaces- people have legit said to me “oh I love twinks” or “oh I love femboys” and I have to awkwardly explain that no I’m not one actually. I’m not what they want me to be. And I’m really tired of people placing that expectation on me- that I’m a slender hairless twink who is submissive and likes bottoming. Just because I’m small and/or trans. so gross.
and then in the women who are attracted to men spaces well… they’d never look twice at me. I’m short and not at all muscular/toned/fit. Again, I have gained weight, am hairy, and halfway to bald. Bedsides not being conventionally attractive- they usually want a man who can “provide”. I am disabled and can’t work. I can’t drive. I can’t give them flowers or pick them up for a date. I can’t be any of the things they’re looking for in a partner. Being disabled makes me seen as “less than”. Being dependent on other people is a trait that is endlessly mocked in men. I’m not masculine enough.
so where the fuck does that leave me? I’m not even going to talk about how being aromantic in queer spaces alienates me further. I love testosterone, I love what it’s done for me and how I feel healthier on it. But like. fuck. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be attractive to anyone. I never get to feel pretty or handsome. I never get to feel happy about my appearance anymore and that makes me so sad. I used to derive so much joy from picking out outfits and accessorizing and applying glittery make up. I’m too sick to leave the house ever so I don’t do those things anymore, besides the fact that I *can’t* present feminine anymore without risking my safety. People would assume I’m a trans woman and act accordingly because they see a man attempting to be feminine. I am fully man and fully nonbinary, but I never get to exist as both at the same time. I can’t be feminine without people invalidating/forgetting my manhood. I can’t be masculine without people invalidating/forgetting my nonbinary-ness. I’m too masculine for nonbinary spaces and too nonbinary for masculine spaces. I just…….. I get incredibly sad about this.
And people generally don’t care??? the sentiment seems to be that trans men who are masculine, who pass, who are stealth, etc don’t belong in the lgbt+ community, shouldn’t be in lgbt+ or queer spaces. They’re not wanted there because of being masculine. These spaces are only for “non-men”. But the second you talk about your struggles as a trans man as a reason for why you should be included, you get pegged as an owo twink femboy to most people. It’s always one or the other (demonized or infantilized) and I’m really fucking sick of it. It hurts. I just want to be some guy.
#transmisandry#transandrophobia#trans masc#nonbinary#trans male#transgender#disability#fey talks#idk how to tag this at all#i hope this will resonate with some people#i've completely given up dating at this point although i dont want to#i just dont have the energy to sift through 99% of the people who want nothing to do with someone like me#I dont feel like I have any community at this point in time even in online spaces#i dont feel like I fit in anywhere and it is incredibly isolating#i wish i could see myself as handsome or attractive in any capacity#can we please stop shaming men for being bald and hairy#can we please stop infantilizing disabled men#can we please stop calling all trans men twinks or femboys solely bc they are trans#sometimes i want to stop T just to be accepted again#but i cant i need the T for my health issues#does being both man and nonbinary at the same time make me multigender?
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I talked about this but i think me not making a move on someone is like a pendulum swinging between me genuinely not wanting a relationship because i am so comfortable with always being alone and between being deeply insecure and afraid of rejection. but i’m chilling
#and also because i feel so alienated i always felt this way when everyone had quote unquote normal teenage experiences and i was just there#and i do think that fucks you up as an adult like i should’ve been through some things when i was 16 17 not now like be for real anyway#i don’t like it when people are like oh it doesn’t matter but it really does you always feel stuck between staying in your comfort zone and#branching out in a very unknown territory that leaves you incredibly vulnerable#etc… etc…. And people hate talking about it but idgaf it’s literally so isolating might as well share my stupid thoughts#tt#also i think it would be unfair to tell someone i like them but not want to BE with them like i’ll keep that to myself? why would u need to#know it’s stupid like okay LMFAO
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Not aiming this at anyone specifically, but I’m genuinely so disappointed & annoyed at the fact no one in my real life circles bothered to reach out to me to check up on me regarding the recent Liam Payne/One Direction news.
#ignore if you want I’m just gonna vent a minute#it’s been over 3 days now & almost nothing#They know I was/am a fan of at least 1d or could take a pretty good educated guess if nothing else#& yet not one person who knows me personally bothered to ask if I was alright#And honestly… I’m not#I’m fucking struggling#it’s just so complex n confusing & I’m having a really hard time coming to terms with everything#I get it people are busy and have their own things going#& they probably don’t think it’s a big deal losing Liam as it was just a silly little boyband to them#but to me n to everyone who was there for those years it feels so so strangely personal#like a longtime distant friend has just been ripped away so tragically#& not only the tragic death of a person but the death of your adolescence & all the innocence of that time#the end of an era that had so much joy n significance in your life#& I know it’s probably not easy to tell I’m upset bc I keep my emotions pretty much exclusively to myself (thanks autism)#but honestly it’s just so invalidating and isolating to not have anyone to talk to#I already feel so completely alone in general bc no one ever checks in with me n stuff like this just solidifies that#I just don’t think it would have been so difficult just to drop a quick message to say ‘hope you’re okay’ or ‘thinking of you’ at least#it would have made a difference#& I know this post isn’t gonna matter to anyone but I just had to get my frustrations out somewhere bc it’s weighing on me a lot#anyway if you got to here thanks for your time n I hope you’re doing okay!!#feel free to reach out to me if you ever want/need to ❤️❤️❤️#wow that was a lot#personal#Kirsty talks#my posts#my stuff#1d#Liam Payne#one direction
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Haii, how are u doing? :>
#saw this ithink it fits#hope you are doing good anon#ah wait i forgot people don't understand the letters#it says first semester in uni vs final semester something like that language its beautiful#no actually im doing good it's a miracle how some hours of going out. comfy talking. touching grass and eating a burrito#can change my whole perception of reality but im back to self isolation so the soul might rust#but dont worry don't worry we will make it we will make it i think maybe#kind of a vent in the tags? i dont know dont read this in bad mindset idk man i need to be in the forest#silly squeaking time#i feel like my life its going to end but its okk it happens you knowww it's just the fear of change#it's strange how i can feel things and understand them like it's outside of myself why can't i just feel one way i mean it keeps me alive#so its fine wait i think i might delete this later#justr to clarifyu i doont play league don't play it#im scared im not going to make it bc it's difficult to concentrate when i feel im going to die and the world its going to explode JKASHDJAK#WE STAY SILLY WE STAY SILLY WE STAY SILLY#if life lets me i will get therapy after this#i don like thinking about how i feel i start to asdfhgdshdfsdhgdgfsd
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I will forever be impressed with your advent fics last year. I've thought about how amazing it was a couple times a week for the past year. I read each fic as they came out and it completely made my December.
Will always enjoy hearing from you, whether through a fic or updates of how you're doing and what's going on in life. Sending lots of love!
Ahh thank you! I had a lot of fun with that. It was a lot of work. I wrote every single day for two months straight and if I remember right, I think it was over 200k words for all of the stories. So to hear that it was well received makes me happy. I definitely can't do something like that this year, but I'm just glad to be writing at all at the moment.
Thank you! You are very sweet!
#asked and answered#sam answers#i'm going to be honest#these asks are making my day#it's like little reminders that there are real people I am writing for#and i know that sounds silly#but i have isolated myself for the past year thinking that i needed to get out of this funk myself#and i know i never asked for help#or implied anything was happening#but the asks reminding me that there were other people out there that genuinely cared about my stores and me as well#just makes me really pumped up#and it's wild what that does for my seratonin#just thank you!#thank you for reminding me that others care#that it doen't have to be just me
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