#just need to isolate myself
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is everything okay? you're offline for so long
i don't really have the will to live anymore
#i'm just answering this to let you all know that i'm gonna be offline for a while now#just need to isolate myself#whatever you all say it doesn't matter cause i'll always feel like the biggest failure and nothing's gonna change that#i'm sorry#i just can't do this anymore i'm sorry#i saved every letter you wrote me*
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reminder that making time for your friends, even when you're tried and socialising feels overwhelming is important to do every so often. it's especially important to do this actually.
time alone can be good, for a time, but humans are social creatures and we need to talk to people, there's nothing wrong with that!!
sometimes the more time you spend alone the more your brain will tell you to stay alone. that's not true, you're allowed to (and should!!) see people that are important to you. sometimes that alone can be surprisingly healing.
#hello again!!#ive been in a bit of a SLUMP and started isolating myself but i just visited a friend and saw a show they worked on#and then stopped at a cute little coffee shop on the way home and seeing people being kind to each other and my best friend#was exactly what i needed!! truth be told i secretly hoped this trip would get cancelled somehow but im so so glad it didn't!#feeling very much in love with the world again <333#reminders#social anxiety#love letters to you
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Judging from these panels, would it mean that there's no other yorishima exorcist that's still alive (since natori said that the yorishima family "was once" a big name, past tense) in the canon timeline, and that the yorishima we know probably ended his family's exorcism business for good by retiring himself? If so, was the reason tied to the youkai living in his left arm, or is there another cause? And when exactly did he retire— was it before or during seiji and shuuichi's high school days, which was why his left arm appeared with the thick bandages when he gave them the loquats in the anime, but he still lived in the estate during that time, or was it after the two became legal adults, which lined up somewhat with him moving into his forest home, abandoning his family estate in favor of living in isolation?
And, speaking of retirement, I wonder if we'll ever know why midorikawa told us that the takis were "famous" (which presumedly meant they were strong enough to be well-known) as occult diviners, since tooru herself only ever mentioned what their previous family business entails, and never about their status in the exorcism community? We don't really need this extra bit if she wanted to further establish how tooru has an aptitude for spell-casting, either. Again, there's another "strong" family (whose members are still alive in canon) that went into retirement, but did the taki family lost their power because the ability to see (if they were needed for diviners) disappeared for at least the last three generations (if we assumed that tooru and isamu's parents couldn't see youkai too), or was it due to another reason? How close was shinichiro (tooru and isamu's grandpa) to the matobas that even the current clan head came to pay his respects during his sixth death anniversary; was his relationship with seiji's father strictly resolved around exorcism business, or was anything else involved? Does tooru herself doesn't fully understand the prowess her family once had, hence why seiji was the one who told takashi (and us readers) about it? What would this tiny bit of lore mean for tooru with it revealed this late into the manga, when tooru herself only talked sparsely about her ancestors in previous chapters?
#i know that lore and power systems aren't the main points of natsuyuu but i am one overly-curious human being who is attracted to them 😭#i'm probably reaching with all of these questions that will likely have little answers in the future but still they plague me during reread#like. where are yorishima's relatives. what happened to this family that they all vacated their main estate. is the yorishima we know the#only one left alive hence why he can swiftly make the call to end his family business and hide in isolation within the safety of his forest#are the matobas and takis close enough that seiji likely visited for shinichiro's previous death anniversaries too?#why would the matobas still maintain a “dead relationship” since both seiji's dad and shinichiro has long passed away in canon while tooru#likely has minimal grasp on the divination stuff if they ever needed to use them? how did these two families know e/o in the first place?#i'm forcing myself to stop yapping now or else the whole tags of this post will be filled with unanswered questions lmao 😭🤚#feel free to interact if this interests you too... i just have too many questions each time i reread any lore-packed chapter so... voila!#natsume yuujinchou#natsuyuu#natsume's book of friends#natsume takashi#yorishima#natori shuuichi#taki tooru#matoba seiji#taki shinichiro#natsuyuu manga
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Also, I refuse to entertain the discourse as to whether acespec people are “oppressed” or not, but I will say it’s really fucking lonely — especially if you fall somewhere on the spectrum that’s a little more unconventional.
I’ve discussed many times before how I feel absolutely no attraction whatsoever except towards my lovely partner. I went through the phases queer men tend to: exploring many types of pornography and cruising on Grindr. I really tried, and none of it has ever done anything for me. It wasn’t until I started having sex with my partner that I realised, ohhh, so that’s how most people feel. And even then, enjoying sex with him is far more of an intimacy thing than the actual physical sensations. I do not fantasise about other people or consume porn. There is only him.
And yet when I’ve spoken about this in acespec spaces, I’m still treated as some sort of weirdo who doesn’t belong. I’ve literally been told many times that I can’t be demisexual because demis will still fantasise and consume porn (although that doesn’t line up with my understanding that demis require a close bond to feel sexual attraction, but never mind), and I’ve even been accused of having some weird internalised Christian puritan shit going on because I genuinely cannot comprehend ever looking at or thinking about someone in that way who isn’t my man. As if anything about this is a choice for me and it is offensive to them somehow. As if only feeling attraction to one person is like… “worse” than never feeling any attraction at all. I’ve never once shamed others for how they experience sex and sexual attraction and never would, yet people act like that’s what I’m inherently doing just by speaking about my own experiences.
So no, I won’t say whether acespec people are “oppressed” or not because honestly, when is this shit ever going to come up in conversation and ever be that relevant? But the fact I don’t feel I can talk about it even amongst other queer people, even amongst others in the acespec community, kind of speaks for itself.
Being a queer man who can’t relate to all the stereotypes and anecdotes about enjoying casual sex is one type of loneliness. Being a queer acespec man who can’t even relate to most others in the acespec community is another. I can never win, and either way I do not fit in.
#I know I’ve not really mentioned being demi much here#But this is kind of why lol#Had to get it off my chest though#I know my experience is fairly unique#But idk it’s just hard finding absolutely no one to relate to#Even my own partner has fucked many many men casually and when he and other gay men I meet talk about it…#Their experiences are valid and very common but I just feel like idk. Left out almost? Because they experience and view sex so differently#To me sex is the absolute most intimate thing you can do with another person and it’s only ever felt right for me with my partner#Whereas to him and many others sex isn’t inherently intimate and it’s normal for them to have a quick fuck and forget their name forever#That’s mindboggling to me and it’s hard for me to discuss how left out I feel without seeming like I’m judging#Because I’m really not. I cannot comprehend feeling that way at all but I understand it’s common and normal#Idk I’m waffling and idk if I’ve explained myself well#But I hope even just one person out there relates#This experience is so specific and isolating I need someone else to not feel so alone#I love my partner more than anything in the world btw and he’s so so supportive#But we can’t relate on every level yk#personal#rant#vent#long post#text post#international asexuality day#asexuality#asexual#demisexuality#demisexual#acephobia#relationships#acespec#aspec
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this month has been so exhausting
#its so easy for me to isolate myself when im not feeling good so ive been rly trying to not slip into that#but feeling so strange lately like im fine but im not#i think im just burnt out n tired n need to rest#feel like everythings just been non stop and i haven't had a chance to catch up w myself#diary#tiyas thoughts
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maybe I'll say the most easiest and obvious thing but people who say "if u don't wanna get a spoiler don't go to tiktok/tumblr/internet" are pissing me off and I wanna punch them.
idc about spoilers a lot, it doesn't ruin a show for me BUT IT STILL WOULD BE NICE NOT TO SEE THEM
"oh spoilers were always a thing why you're so upset???" why ur so dumb then? there's a lot of stuff that was a thing for years and centuries but it doesn't make them okay. how hard is it to put a spoiler warning for a few days after an episode came out? how hard is it to understand that not everyone can watch an episode the day it came out? some people have life outside the fandom. I personally have a job and uni and I don't have streaming services so I need to wait for a leak to watch it.
"don't you have an hour to watch it?" I have but do I want to spend it on it? maybe I want to rest or to cook so I won't starve or how about you shut the fuck up and stop defending this shit? again HOW HARD IS IT TO PUT A SPOILER WARNING
anyways. fuck you all. love people who have some braincells and respect for others
#no fr I'm so mad at them#it's such a small thing to do#just a put spoiler warning before the post or a few seconds before the video#yj fandom I'm looking at u#why do i need to isolate myself from the internet just because i don't wanna get spoilers?#sol rumbles#yellowjackets
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in the backs of my eyes, light does not reach. black and white, monochrome stars, inky null and blinding full. others dream, and my thoughtlessness seeks. though i cannot see, and though i cannot breathe in every moment my eyes breach free- i dream. not for grandeur, not for fillment, i dream of nothing but hope. for days where i could, for the days i would dream. sitting in the back seat. squalid radio turned to rage. looking at her shoulder’s locks, dreaming of the cage. taken to my first bar, shown my first rave not forgotten, not forsaken, the only love i will take to my grave. cigarettes and mud, alleys and grunge all i wanted was saving. gone so far, seeded so deep, until it whittled into camaraderie. when the shows over, she’d take me home and leave me in her bed. that night i would be cherished, and that morning we'd be fed. i see their faces in my dreams, as every possibility, every tangle, every thread, every filament held together. like a bastion of memory, creating false to fill the empty. to grant hope to a greyscale null. * * starlight ash, the null of the void, the hopes of a begotten child. is there anything to hear, when the screams are of fear, or choking of brittle and tears? his hopes were so mild, his rage was unbridled, how could she be any different? feel her eyes shiver, feel her soul take, feel the ties of the poverished ingrate. your help cannot find it, your thoughts cannot find it, your hands cannot feel it, your heart cannot take it, your legs cannot shake it and your teeth cannot break it. in every part of you is her no matter how hard you fight it has been the end of her not of her blight. only of her light.
#im so tired. i want anyone to talk to or be with. ever. i miss being alive. i miss dreaming. i miss hoping. i miss having things to hope for#it doesnt have to be too late. so i try. but it always ends up feeling like it is. im so alone. so scared. i just need a way in. to life.#a way into a group. something other than this isolating pain.#this is the best way i could describe my feelings. esp since begging for attention doesnt work. but it isnt enough. i have so many dreams.#so many hopes i am forgetting every second. please. god i wish i could be normal and not have to beg or bare myself fully like this.#i honestly wish i could be more private but i need to beg. and idk how else to. im so desperate for any interaction god fuck i hate it here
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#So. firstly. I need to inform y'all I -for the longest time and very early on- just convinced myself Snavid living with Kaz#in his isolated Alaskan cabin was 100% canon and I had no doubt whatsoever until I started seeing people writing posts like#“omg imagine they lived together bla bla bla” this year and I was like “🧍 wdym imagine isn't that factually canon” (no it isn't)#Secondly. just making sure. this isn't solimiller. Kaz's his sort-of-step-dad to me -aside from his former teacher (master)- & nothing else#Just a (closest thing to a decent) fatherly figure he respects and values#That being said. This is what would've happened had Kaz not been killed in 2005#metal gear#metal gear solid#mgs#solid snake#kazuhira miller
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tumblr kww fandom was formed seperately from most other social media corners of the fandom. and that leads to silly things like the commonly used name "kww collab" and kenfies vs kenifies. and probably more. cedar if theres any more im forgetting that u know of say them pls
(in response to this confession)
#confessions#series: kww collab#very true! i have not interacted w ANY other part of the fandom myself#but. it fascinates me deeply#i think that like. the kww collab fandom on tumblr is innately based off the original theorisers? maybe???#like. i was the one who came up w calling it kww collab bcs we needed a tag to group all our theories! thats the origin of the name!#ship name kenfies MIGHTT have come from this blog? i have a discord message of me coming up w it on jul 1 bcs there was a confession abtthe#and kenfies is what i went with. thats the best explanation i have (the funniest part is me not even shipping them)#(an alternative was wifen (as proposed by nia))#this fandom was just innately started differently and in isolation#and its really fucking interesting#tumblr users often not using any other social media plays into it too i think ?#but. yeah i cant think of any other examples that would showcase this difference bcs as mentioned i am just not on other places LMAO#ao3 ofen being heavily associated w tumblr as WELL AS saiint havng posted a Lot of kww fanfic is also the reson why kww collab is usedon ao#anyway yep you are right. i am deeply fascinated#yet another long ramble in the tags#(yk i just realised that this sounds like im tooting my own horn and trust me chat im not sorry if it came off that way sadfhslgk.#i just SOMEHOW was vaguely important in this fandom i guess)
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We’re on day six straight of “wake up in the middle of the night/morning hypervigilant and struggle to sleep again” which means we’re reaching the season of Perma Tension and Overthink.
Can’t wait to get through the next two days of work so I can start my week of suspension.
#personal skuun#there was money missing on my station is the upshot#and it’s been a really long time since I’ve made a mistake of that magnitude and yes it DOES happen#but it also looks like it might be coworker’s ADHD setting stuff aside to buy later and forgetting and then we don’t know where or what#I’m like. the third person being suspended for cash loss this month which is also unusual#COULD happen but it could be a lot of things#so I’m just like. trying to keep an eye on her and make sure it’s not a gambling thing#and keeping an eye on my boss who’s letting the chips fall on the off chance it’s him and he’s spreading it around?#I’ve seen both in my time here which makes it impossible to determine without another point on the mental graph#but it’s probably better it happens now#because this is one of two seasonal points where my sleep patterns and mental health run a little thin#and I’m most likely to make those mistakes then#my bills have reduced since the storage unit closure so I just need to kind of. tighten belt and stay home#which I’m good at anyway#although it’s funny because I know half my bosses will be at Pride on Miami Beach this weekend#it’s just two more days of paying close attention and then I can collapse#I’ve stockpiled foods in the pantry to try to make myself keep eating nice things#I have a ton of books and uh. varying. alcohols.#(sorry but sometimes I just want to be sedated and I’m med free running through these seasons.)#I have a beach cleanup event on Tuesday so I won’t be totally isolated/warped with a sense of uselessness/powerlessness#just have to hang on and see if my head clears. same as always.#got to introduce my mom to the flavor of perilla oil today though so that was kind of fun#and I can focus on moving my plants into the room…#maybe paint like I keep saying I’m gonna do and then don’t do#it just feels like my body’s made up of all these uncomfortable lumps#and then on top of it you get dreams that make you wake up crying and unable to get back to sleep for hours? fuck off with that
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#i dont think im a bad person. i dont think i behave in ways that are especially terrible. i dont hate myself. but i do believe i deserve to#suffer. and im not sure how to align those incongruent ideas. its hard to articulate because a lot of my rigidity stems from restrictions#without cause. i don't do things for a specific reason. im not afraid that if dont do specific things it will cause bad things to happen. i#behave in specific ways because thats what i have to do. thats just the way it is. without reason. without cause. like im getting dictates#from some higher power. a lot of my restrictive behaviors manifest in a sort of religious way. not in a religious trauma way. the church i#grew up in was all love thy neighbor and not fire and brimstone. its more that this rigid views is deeply and profoundly rooted in how i#belive i need to behave. i behave imperfectly. i make mistakes. and there has to be a consequence. i have to suffer. and thats just how it#is. like preying for forgiveness or committing self flagellation. i repent through self punishment. and when i try to imagine why i do this#all i can think about is being a little kid. praying before i went to bed. not aloud. the prayers i kept silent. that nobody would get sick#and die. that all the kids in childrens hospitals would get better and that nothing bad would ever happen to anyone. i had a pretty idealic#childhood. it was stable and my parents loved me a lot. i was never really bullied in school. my family was comfortably middle class without#money troubles. and i guess i find that difficult to contend with because i didnt do anything to deserve that. it was just luck. and why#should i have that when other ppl dont? but random things dont happen to you because you did something to warrent them. thats not how the#world works. so maybe im seeking to balance the scale. maybe im trying to pay for my good luck because it makes more sense that way.#sins must be punished and good fortune must be paid for. but only for me. i am an isolated entity controlled by an angry god.#and again. i dont hate myself or thing im a bad person. it only seems fair and correct that i should suffer. thats just how it is.#and how do you classify that? its a rigid worldview that sprauls out into restructions and compulsions. a lens warped from through#existential fear? the rot from which 0cd manifested? a set of restrictions born of aut1sm? i dunno. it doesnt really matter but i try to#classify anyway. maybe it doesnt fit neatly into one box. so it goes.#just stupid bullshit im being forced to deal with now that im basically in triple therapy lol#unrelated
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I'm fighting with my brain rn. So I'm hoping off! :D Bye, lovely people!
#Goin on hiatus!!! sorry if i haven't checked my messages. My sister's already on my ass about not texting her these past few days.#I just need to isolate myself until i feel ready.
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shout out to little nightmares for teaching me how to draw things other than generic anime girls, ily little nightmares ^_^
#im srs with the caption tho i used to only draw generic anime girls before LN2 came out#tbh tho i was going through my gacha phase and a mha hyperfix then#not fun silly times#also yeah i have myself a VLN six design now!!#tbh ive always had i just barely draw her#pretty should be allowed to be besties with the main group#let them teach her the magic of friendship#she’s not mean she’s just lived an extremely isolated life she defo needs them#<— same w/ hunter considering how isolated the game implies him to be :(#i mean does he even go outside of the woods in canon at all??#at least he’s canonically touching grass ig#little nightmares#little nightmares 2#very little nightmares#little nightmares fanart#ln six#ln hunter#ln rk#ln pretender#ln rcg
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.
See the thing is. I know I'm good at writing. Like I have my weak areas or things I need to improve in, but it's not a skill I otherwise spend a lot of time feeling insecure about because a) if I don't believe in my writing literally who will b) if I want to publish my writing I ought to at least feel a resting level of good about it because editors and agents likely will not be cradling my face like a prize cat and telling me how talented I am while asking for their edits c) I've always had an audience for my writing even at its worst– I started sharing my original works online when I was around 16 & that really helped sell to me the idea of 'there will always be someone out there who likes what you do' d) untalented men never think this hard about the quality of their works and they always end up published anyway and e) I don't have many other thoroughly developed skills so why not have one I feel good about. Having said this. Awkward feeling to realize you're one of the authorial weak links in your postgraduate creative writing degree's social circle
#part of the issue is definitely also like. i am good at what i do! its just that im the only one doing it#40 people in my fuckass degree and im the only one who writes fantasy fiction. we had one more girl but she did romance & dropped out#(to be an agent) (this isnt a sad story)#but yeah no im mostly surrounded by very talented poets and screenwriters. which makes my works seem a little. frivolous. in comparison#and my friends especially are so fucking talented it makes me ill. and they engage politely with me about my writing but its also#superficial and i cant blame them because its simply not what they write/what theyre interested in! i feel the same about poetry#but my friend actually seemed surprised a while ago when i mentioned a thing id been writing and i joked that it looked like she was#surprised i could have good ideas and she didnt answer. and like. man.#i am a good writer! i fucking know im a good writer but im a good FANTASY writer and these people are. different writers and theyre good an#im floundering in this environment next to them and theres something not as like.. artistic in what i do its so fucking embarrassing#and they also display just such a lack of curiosity as to others' writing like.. they wont check the moodle forum to read what the others i#our module have uploaded for each assignment?? like arent you even just CURIOUS? but now im also just wondering if theyre like 🤞 this#with each other in a way that excludes me and my stupid flop ass fiction. i dont know. its just so silly. everyone always talks about#finding community in writing groups & degrees & such and that is exactly the last and most isolating place ive ever been insofar as my#writing goes. like at least way back in high school no one cared in general. here people do care. just not about what i can bring to the#table. although again i really dont know if this is a larger scale lack of curiosity/involvement in others works so i digress.#notnow#tbd#sorry this is a very priveleged complaint to have i AM deeply enjoying my degree and ik im so lucky to get to go where i attend. i just#occasionally feel sad. and knowing i failed my last assignment (which WAS fiction) (one chance to prove myself! cute) isnt helping much#if the poetrypeople are better at me even in the thing im meant to be good at. baby we're about to enter the mental health meat grinder.#but we stay silly. i think i just need to find people online etc to talk to about writing again like i did at 17.#just full insanity paragraph analysis. that was fun. i enjoyed that.
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What's this?!?!

A SECOND SUMMONER WITH A STEEL CHAIR?!?!??!??
BEHOLD. Summoner VickyT, Legendary Accountant, Avid Collector of Manga (unfortunately sparse to non-existent in Askr), and older sister of Moe!!!
When my sister @vickyt-mv / @sotiredmostnights made her design, I was EAGER. EAGER. To figure out how I'd draw her! And parse out the dynamic between her and Moe!!

Something really fun was getting them to look like siblings, when they look quite different! It's all in the face, I think! And... adding a little something, a personal touch... VickyT's halo cowlick ties into Moe's horns!
I also. Attempted Heel Math. The dreaded heel math.

But to be so real I may just go off of vibes. Just know that there are supposedly canon heights, here. These doodles are also to compare their outfits! Esp in how they match... Because. Well.

Universal constant, so it seems.....
That's all for now!!!!! I do have..... Lore...... extensive Lore......... but don't you worry about that. Yet.
#fire emblem#feh#summoner oc#YAAAAAYYYYY YIPPPEEEE YAAAAYYYYYYYY 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉#two of them... can you believe this.....#THE LORE. FIGURING OUT THE LORE WAS SO FUN. like first thought we have p dif tastes#so a lot of our fave charas actually don't overlap. alfonse is just a blorbo in law to her.#i barely do anything w anna. i appreciate her but i struggle to come up w lore for her. so. so. What If...#like the two of them could feasibly exist in the same askr.#but i am going to stop myself bc i would like to make a whole ass post about it. i just need to organize my thoughts#still i will say balancing The Themes. like the intense isolation of the summoner. SO FUNNY#how that theme just gets a boot to the head. but trust me it's still there and still prominent.#i just need to balance out The Timeline. so that everything falls into place as it should. for BOTH of them#that. will come later though. i promise. i swear...#vickyt tag#moe tag#sister lore#my art
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feeling really ill about frank but not in the cool way
#not in the media literacy analysing the character kind of way#not in the uhh right way one could say#i just. im just. god how do i explain without sounding stupid#do you. do you ever love a character so deeply and so sincerely.#and i dont mean love as in like oh i love this guy i mean the real genuine thing. the real thing#and yk on most days you can be normal about it but then sometimes it makes you so so sick#'hes so lonely he needs someone with him' like ME!!! PLEASE ME but its not ij this#its not in this teehee im their biggest fan way its literally laying on tbe floor nearly incomprehensible like#please please let it be me please dont leave please just please just a minute#saying literally when you dont mean literally but mean it for emphasis. it feels that way tbh#and nobody!!! understands!!! well no im being dramatic. im sure some people understand#but it feels very isolating in fandom spaces. for good reason i suppose i mean it is weird#and i do isolate myself in a lot of ways too#but. yk. yeah. yeah.#tldr im unwell about frank but in the obsessed fangirl way and not like. correctly
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