#just imagine how much worse it gets if they figure out he’s in middle school

[hijinxinprogress]

The JL keeps trying to stop Captain Marvel from talking to the media (and it’s not working)

The jl held a meeting about marvel’s conduct with cops bc he got a little too excited and suplexed a cop completely fucking forgetting he’s a 7ft buff ass man (the video goes viral for months) and the press is having a fucking field day with this bc ‘Captain Marvel Hates The Government!’ ‘Justice League Member, Captain Marvel, Shows His True Colors…?’ ‘Fawcett Superhero Attacks Civilian!’ ‘Captain Marvel Sends Police Officer to ICU!’ ‘Philadelphia Hero Puts Public Servant In Coma’ and shit like that is on the front page of every newspaper, magazine, and tabloid for the next eight months at least

so they’re like ‘hey you gotta say something! The people think you hate the us government esp the police!’ and he’s just sitting there confused before he says very slowly and clearly ‘But I do…I fucking despise them’

Barry and Hal are fucking losing it bc this is the guy that says ‘darn!’ in the heat of battle and has said on multiple occasions ‘Well, that’s not very nice, now is it?’ to opponents that destroy worlds for fun

like this guy still tries very hard not to make faces at the broccoli on his plate in front of the jl (and fails)

this guy hears a yj member or even the very adult titans cussing and going on the longest rant bc ‘I’ve not heard such foul language in all my years-!’ and what’s this ‘‘I’m an adult’ nonsense?? I’m older than Ravens grandfather 🤨 When you get to be my age-’

they’re all so pissed when they hear him cussing like a sailor playing video games on cyborgs phone the next day and he’s playing fucking temple run at that

[teddypickerry]

A teen!dad jess. He has a best friend from New York (she can have a name or it can be Y/N, you can choose) (they are endgame, jess never had feelings for Rory but she has feelings for Jess, it won't go anywhere) Jess and his best friend have a kid, they co-parent (whether they are dating already or in the future is up to you) Jess gets sent to Stars Hallow, she ends up moving to stars Hallow to, to be close to Jess and so their kid can be with him too (she is emancipated, plus Jess knows she's coming because they keep in contact) if anyone reading this would like to turn this into an actual story, I'm totally down for reading it :) if you choose this request, I look forward to reading it. Thank you!!

↯ 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐈 𝐆𝐎 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐆𝐎?

pairings — teen dad! jess mariano x y/n

warnings — none!! (unedited tho so…)

word count — 2.9k

a/n — i’m not the biggest fan of how this turned out (feels lowk out of character even tho i typically write jess best bc i am him), but i LOVEDDDD this plot. i plan on making a part two if that’s something you guys would want!! also dad! jess is my fav (as you guys know) so to have him be bowie’s dad??? FUCKING LOVEEE.

BEING SENT TO STARS HOLLOW was worse than one would imagine. especially for jess mariano, a kid who'd been taken from his hometown and placed in a small apartment above a diner with an uncle he hardly knows. this would be enough to drive one mad, one could presume. but to make matters worse, he was leaving behind his son.

the moment liz danes found out her sixteen year old son had gotten a girl pregnant, she freaked out. as any mother would do. but liz wasn't just any mother, she was (to put it lightly) a whack-job. so she spiraled when she figured this one out. what happened when liz danes spiraled you may ask? who was there for her? her sane big brother, luke.

the practical idea seemed to be sending jess to the quaint down of stars hollow. a place where liz grew up, where she knew luke would keep an eye on him. where she also knew he couldn't cause any havoc. and his world wouldn't become corrupt like hers, being a teen parent.

the months of the pregnancy was difficult to be away. y/n was just a girl he'd met at a party, he was sick and tired of his mother's new boyfriend's hurtful words. y/n was going through something similar and they decided they'd lean on one another one night. until three weeks later when she called jess asking him to coffee, and surprising him with something much more. y/n was scared, as any pregnant sixteen year old would be. being without jess didn't help her case.

the teenage boy didn't let the separation get to them however. his nights sneaking out were spent at a phone booth in the middle of town, talking to y/n about everything and anything. his breaks at the diner were calling to ask about doctors appointments. sure, she had just been a girl he'd met at a party. but the emotional bond of a baby knitted the two together. they were scared kids, they had no one but one another. so they became much more than kids who once went to a party. they were friends.

when y/n went into labor, jess ran out of school like his life depended on it. hoping into his car and speeding back to new york. luckily making it so he could see his son born just in time. his first time meeting his son was only his fourth time seeing y/n. the fourth of many, many visits. stars hollow became less and less entertaining to him as time went on. especially after coming back almost two weeks after his son was born. the pranks, the stealing, the teasing around with this girl rory... it wasn't anything to him. he missed his son, he missed the woman who had his son. jess mariano wanted to be with his family. because for the first time in his life, he had a family. someone loved him, and he loved someone.

"1984 is the most overrated 'classic' book i've ever read," rory gilmore smiled at jess with a teasing look. now, almost a year after his son's birth, jess mariano was nearing eighteen. his adolescence was coming to an end (although it did when the stick turned pink). the toying around was still very much in his nature. hence the conversation with the good girl in a pink sweater.

"nu uh, it's a classic. you can't just hate on 1984," jess counters while standing behind the diner's countertop. the diner was slow, despite it being around the early afternoon and a sunday. which is why two teenagers were sharing false opinions like it was bible. he didn't like her — he was sure of that. ever since bowie mariano was born (guess who named him), jess's feelings had become aware. the love he felt for his son was prominent in his everyday life. unlike anything he'd ever felt before. it was hard for him to even imagine ever having feelings for someone. not when being a dad was his number one priority.

"you're just saying that," rory laughed at his words once more. her late night talks with her mother about jess seeming to not be recalled. the ones where lorelai stressed to rory what jess was going through as a teen parent, something she knew all too well. especially being away from his kid. in her eyes, he was a christopher who'd left his rory. lorelai didn't exactly want her daughter involved with that. but it was hard to resist when he kept giving rory that james dean look. matched with the leather jacket and the book references.

"when are you going to see bowie?" lorelai asked the teenage boy, attempting to remind her daughter of his priorities. jess didn't see this as a question with ulterior motives. he knew lorelai had a deep understanding of him, whether she'd like to admit it or not. "soon, hopefully."

"is y/n liking her new place?" luke questions genuinely from lorelai's side, being reminded of jess's child's mother who he'd grown fond of. "it's kinda hard to like a place where you're crashing on your friend's sofa bed." jess scoffs, being reminded of his friend's condition. when y/n had first gotten pregnant, jess was aware of the darkness in her home. especially when she freaked out to him one night. the first time they opened up to one another. she was too scared to tell her dad about the baby, knowing he'd hurt her.

less than two years later, y/n was emancipated. working a part-time job in the city. where her friends helped watch bowie when necessary. along with (hesitantly) liz, whenever jess made sure she was sober and had an okay boyfriend. it was a lonely life: just like jess's.

"that poor girl," lorelai commented with a sympathetic look making jess's stomach twist. he hated thinking about the living conditions of his family, he hated thinking of being apart from them. but when he did, he couldn't stop. which is why that night, when luke came upstairs to the apartment after closing, jess stopped him to have a serious conversation. "can i talk to you?"

luke searched his nephew's face for sincerity once he heard those words. curious if this was gonna be a 'steely dan sucks' conversation or an actual serious one. a rare option for the teenage boy. "yeah, what's up?"

there was a deep expression anguished on jess's face as he sat at the table. he was clearly unsure how to put his words, which was prominent in his eyes. "i... i can't be away from bowie anymore. i can't let y/n live in that shithole. they're my responsibility."

luke heard his nephew's words clearly. he agreed with every word, a sigh erupting when he processed the stress his teenage nephew was experiencing over this. "where are you going with this, jess?" the diner owner questioned with a calm tone. he still wanted the best for his nephew. he still wanted him to finish high school and start a worthy life. one he didn't want to be started by running off to new york and working to provide for his family. "i need to be with them one way or another. i can't be away from bowie, i can't do that to my kid. i can't be my dad."

"you're not, kid. you're nothing like jimmy, i'm telling you that right now. you would do anything to be with bowie and that proves you're better than him," luke explained before letting out a sigh and nodding his head. "you're a good guy, jess."

a conversation continued throughout the night until the two finally came to a conclusion. or at least luke did. taking matters into his own hands, he picked up the phone once his nephew hit the pillow. a hushed tone rushing into verses of explanations until it all made sense.

the next morning, jess mariano woke up like any other day. not too long after he woke up he went down to the diner to get started on work. his thanksgiving break had begun, so his monday would be spent annotating a new book for his son in between rush hours. it was when two familiar faces entered the diner that he hardly glanced up, noticing the gilmores immediately. "hey jess, how's it going?"

"well, i'm not bleeding or anything so..." jess shrugged towards the woman while he scribbled in a final note for an older bowie. rory kept her eyes on him while luke handed the two mugs of coffee. he had something in his head, especially when he kept glancing out the window every few seconds. "that's good," lorelai nodded before turning to luke.

"what are you reading now? more jane austen?" rory teased while eyeing the boy and taking a sip of her warm coffee. his eyes didn't dare look up from her while he shut the book, "uh huh." he nodded with a thin lipped smile. rory noticed the children's book in his hands and grinned, "didn't know you were that behind. that makes sense with your book taste though."

"this is bowie's, i'm just writing some stuff in the margins for him for when he learns to read," jess shrugged without noticing the sudden change in demeanor when he mentioned his son. the baby had never been to stars hollow. jess also rarely brought up his son to anyone, especially stars hollow-ers. miss patty and babette already whispered about the rebellion enough as it was. he didn't need to add to it by opening up to people who didn't care about him. "oh... that's sweet," rory forced a smile before sinking down into her seat. she felt shorter.

jess picked up the coffee to begin to refill a few cups throughout the diner. his stance was interrupted once the diner phone began to ring, luke noticed this quickly. it wasn't long before he grabbed the coffee from jess's hand and hardly offered to do refills for him instead. jess knew luke was up to something but hesitantly took the phone call, "luke's."

"nice greeting," a voice echoed on the other side making jess's infamous smirk spread across his face. y/n. "well, i thought i'd ask you to marry me. but i was worried our meat supplier was on the other line," jess teased into the phone while his hand went in his pocket. he subconsciously turned around so his back was to the rest of the diner. wanting to be alone with y/n, as if that was possible through this.

"thought so," y/n hummed with an obvious smile. "hey, bowie's missing his dad."

"is bowie's mom also missing bowie's dad?" jess asked with his typical teasing tone towards his friend. "bowie's mom may be. but she doesn't exactly want to give him the satisfaction of that. bowie's dad is very cocky," y/n says through the phone while luke spots something through the window and smiles.

the sound of the bell was a familiar one. reminding the people in the diner that someone had arrived. jess was so used to it now that he didn't bat an eye typically, but this time he glanced around his shoulder for a moment. his eyes glancing back at the figure stood infront of the door. jess's brown eyes locked on them for a second as he dropped the wired phone and bolted past the counter to them.

stood before his eyes was y/n and bowie. the eleven month old was in her arms with a pacifier between his lips. y/n wore a smile while she placed her phone in her pocket with a free hand. she was engulfed in jess's scent immediately as he threw the two into his arms. cigarettes, cheap cologne, and coffee erupting comfortably into her. "hey, watch out i have a baby."

jess ignored her words, but lightened his grip on her while taking bowie out of her arms to hold him. "bowie, hey..." his voice trailed off as he held onto his son. he was interrupted with emotion by being with his son once again. because as much as fatherhood was something he never wished upon himself, ever desired whatsoever, it had turned into the best thing that ever happened to him.

"hi kid," luke greeted the teenage girl while walking over to give her a side hug. he turned his attention towards jess who was hugging his baby with a grin he hadn't seen in awhile. "i thought about our talk last night, jess. you were right."

jess glanced over at his uncle before looking back at y/n with a smile. which shocked even him, because a smile was not something he'd done while being in stars hollow. "so..." luke's voice trailed off while he gave the floor to y/n. who took it and looked at jess, "i think bowie needs to be with his dad... and his mom."

the group shared a few looks, mixed with confusion and happiness. "i asked lorelai for a favor, y/n and bowie are gonna stay at the inn for a few weeks. until you guys can figure out a place." luke started with a nod. "you're gonna be eighteen in a few months, you're gonna graduate in a few months. i want you to do that, jess. so, i brought you some courage... as cheesy as that sounds."

jess looked between the two for a moment before sharing a nod with his uncle, as if a thank you in their own language.

"hey, i'm lorelai. it's nice to meet you i've heard so much about you. we seem to have a lot in common," lorelai interjected as she walked over and introduced herself to y/n. y/n knew her fair share of scoop of the town. her daily phone calls to jess were hardly just baby talk. she'd spent a lot of them telling him to go out with lorelai's daughter, who seemed good for him. but every-time... something was holding him back. "yeah you too, i'm y/n. thank you for everything, by the way. you really didn't have to let me."

"c'mon we're moms, we help eachother out. we can be like desperate housewives. but with no men," lorelai smiled while giving y/n's hand a squeeze. "oh! this is my bowie, rory."

"hey," y/n greeted with an awkward wave towards the other teenage girl who still seemed in shock by the situation. she forced a smile and waved, "hey."

the dispute was a lot more awkward than y/n could have hoped. but a sense of envy had taken over the both of them as they reflected on past or current relations with jess. an awkwardness that washed away quickly when y/n’s eyes locked back on jess and her son. a favorite sight of hers.

“c’mon,” jess nodded towards y/n while she took the baby out of his arms. he grabbed her bag and placed a free hand on her back, mumbling goodbyes before exiting the diner with his two. the three took the scenic tour towards the inn. bowie cracking a million smiles at the tons of birds in sight. the two teenagers reciprocating the action with shared giggles at the baby’s happiness.

the moment they entered the room, jess sat down with bowie to let y/n unpack a little bit. while the two caught up on unspoken things. “so… that was rory,” y/n says suggestively while unpacking her toiletries in the bathroom. jess was sprawled out on the bed with bowie in his arms, playing superman. he turned to her once she erupted from the bathroom and took a seat beside him. “that was rory.”

“she’s pretty,” y/n nodded with a small smile. in an attempt to be polite about jess’s possible love interest, yet he seemed hardly interested when bowie was around. “i guess,” jess shrugged before holding bowie back up in his arms. “have you asked her out yet?”

“i’m not too focused on that,” jess answered while clearly wanting the conversation to be done. y/n only smiled at the sight of the baby, gently rubbing his back. jess’s eyes locked onto her once more. watching her look at bowie with all the love made his eyes gleam. the way her smile spread with love, only made his heart beat faster happily. “thanks.”

y/n glanced over to him at his word, furrowing her eyebrows gently while she looked into his eyes. “for what?”

“for being here, i guess.” he mumbles while turning back to face bowie and bring him closer to him, the baby resting his head on jess’s chest. y/n smiled at the sight while leaning into the pillow, happily watching the two. “of course.”

so, the two laid back into the bed. smiling at the sight of their baby falling into a comforting sleep. followed by y/n minutes later, at a moment of peace. finally having someone she trusted with her baby so she could peacefully have a break. jess shut his eyes to the sound of the light breaths of both his favorite people. never having felt something so perfect once again in his life.

[reqxxyt]

"Are you ever going to settle down" p.g

pairings: piere gasly x f!reader

warnings: rushed ending, sexual interactions mentioned

masterlist

“Are you ever going to settle down?” my middle-aged aunt sat across from me and asked with the same passive-aggressive smile she gave the rest of the family. I could feel my own mother tense at her words knowing a relationship is the last thing I want and I expressed that very proudly. But instead of trying to get into another stupid argument on how I don’t need a guy to fulfill my needs and wants I just shook my head and smiled the fakest I’ve ever gave. 

“I’m content on my own” I summarized my speech that wanted to itch out of my throat. Her smile dropped before being replaced with one that leaked sympathy, something I hate being the reciprocate of. She turned to my mom, hoping to hear some words from her but all she got was a shrug. 

“What about having children?” I had clearly seen that question coming, being nearly 28 and having most women figures in my family start their family in their early twenties, it's strange to hear someone claim they don’t want kids. At least any time soon. 

“Not in the plan right now,” I said with the urge to leave, hating the interrogating questions. I’ve had my fair share of relationships and I figured out they just aren’t for me. Plus, I am terrible with kids. All the kids I’ve approached just see me as a quiet, intimidating person that stares down at them because they refused to go down on their knees as they have a sensitive backs. 

Later on that same day, I was on a call with my friend of nearly a decade complaining about my aunt and her unnecessary sympathy. 

“Maybe you should consider going back into dating,” she said on edge because she knew how much I hated when people suggested the option. Instead of declaring the same thing I did with my aunt, I simply stared her down until she rolled her own eyes. “Just saying. You can’t live your whole life in a club and hook up with the first person you deem attractive”

“Doesn’t sound so bad” I shrugged but knowing it was a terrible life path. “Besides, I just don’t think there are people out there who want the same things as me. To not have kids right away, to be lenient and just let the relationship be itself until it either ends or feels right.”

“There are lots but okay,” she said and I wanted to groan, starting to become frustrated at the entire situation. “How about I set you up with someone?”

“You?” I asked already hating the idea of that happening. She nodded before saying “Hear me out. I have this distant friend who lives near you, I think you’ve seen him at my boyfriend birthday. Really nice, definitely your type”

“Type? Are we in high school?” I said judging her choice of words making her now the one to give me a blank stare. 

“Shut up. Besides, it will give you a chance to escape from the whole relationship talk with your aunt”

The more I thought about it, the more it didn’t sound so insane to me. Doesn’t hurt to give it a chance, right?

“Fine,” I said and she smiled brightly. “If this doesn’t work, you have to name your kid after me” 

“Never happening. But, if this does work, you have to allow me to make a speech at your wedding” and like that, we made a deal. 

I dressed in a simple outfit, figuring it was going to be cold wearing a blazer with a black long sleeve and dress pants. I hated going on dates because of the first impression and since I had never met this person before, their first impression is visuals. Not like I had much of a choice either way. 

I entered the coffee shop not spotting anyone that stood out and looking as if waiting for someone. I walked up to the cashier ordering a simple latte already imagining the worse as I frantically texted my friend, asking her when he would arrive. 

“Y/n?” I heard my name being spoken from a familiar french accent. I turned around and my movements froze. 

Well he’s definitely my type. I had seen him at the party my friend mentioned. I’d even talked to him, ending up at his place before leaving the next morning without exchanging another word to each other. 

My eyes widened, immediately recognizing him while he searched my face with a curious gaze, trying to recognize me before finally remembering. 

“Well, I finally got your name” he said with a small smile, finding it comical while I wanted to die internally. The one time I hooked up with a guy at a mutual party turns out to be my blind date my friend set me up with. We stood in silence for a moment before I finally looked down, no longer being able to look at his colored eyes. “Pierre”

“Y/n” I said out of pure habit before realizing he already knew my name and face palmed myself, ready to dig my own grave. He only laughed assuring it was fine, ordering his own coffee while I stood on the side waiting for him to finish. 

We sat next to a window, a small booth forcing to face each other. He was the first to speak “I honestly didn’t think I would see you again. Especially like this”

“Neither did I” i mumbled, barely heard by him. I immediately felt terrible for leaving without not saying anything. “I’m sorry for just leaving, I-”

“It’s fine” he shrugged before I could finish my excuse. “Want to start over?”

Hearing those words with his small, comforting smile somehow made me want to stay. I didn’t feel the need to run away like many other situations, I felt okay being here. I wanted to stay. 

“Sure, Pierre” testing out how his name rolled off my tongue, loving it myself. I caught his cheeks getting pinker, whether from the freezing degree whether or my two words, I’ll never know until I would ask months later. “What do you like to do?”

“Well…” and the conversation flowed from there. After the first couple of dates, he asked me out and I without much mental debatting, agreed allowing the relationship to flow on its own. 

After a long 3 years, he asked me to marry him. Again, no hesitation needed. No questioning myself whether this was for the best. 

I didn’t settle down for him. I settled down with him. 

[theultimatekamehamehavoc]

AAAAAAAA! I finally finished this post that's been camping out in my drafts for freaking months! Let's gooooo!!!! Here are a small selection of the middle schoolers. Took me a while but I refined some of them. For now, it's this cluster but the others will appear soon! I swear!

Also, though they are open for some change, I got some explanations for all of them. Makoto: Pretty basic. Just him with a hoodie upgrade. I also gave him a bracelet as well. Had this idea of well, since Makoto and Sayaka new each other in middle school, maybe they get aqquainted more in this new canon and give each other friendship bracelets! In the killing game setting, if I go with this idea for this au, it can be a bit of a betrayal too cus like, she did a bad thing but also GASP! The bracelets! How could she! In a happy timeline/reimagining Danganronpa as a shitty kids show, it could just be wholesome. One other thing about Makoto's design that I'd like to note is his Band-Aid and acne. For the Band-Aid, just thought it'd be fun. Also, it mirrors someone else's design that I have that I will showcase soon. It's cute imagining Makoto carrying these band-aids around though cus he's in that awkward middle schooler phase which makes him more clumsy. He doesn't like it. Kyoko: Okay. Just stole her entire vibe from the Danganronpa Kirigiri novels. Here. Proof. Just drew her worse. May give her a more original outfit but for now, this is it.

Byakuya: Yeah. He was absurdly easy. Just gave him a silly sweater vest, shorts, and some goofy ass socks. I might improve this design later on but for now, this is his look as well. Leon: Leon was trickly and easy because his outfit was simple to translate into but also, he had a completly different look at some point in his youth that changed cus girls or something. Not the most well versed in the Leon lore so if anyone can educate me on this, I'm happy to know more. But like, for now, this is his design of just like, itty bitty punk boy until I figure out if he should look differently due to childhood factors. I, at the very least, cut his hair down as a buzz cut though to emphasis the fact that he's still deep in the baseball stuff, even if he may not like it as much by this point. Maybe he's in the transitional period from his old baseball days to his canon design Sayaka: She's basically the same with some added little bits. Made her skirt pink this time for fun and gave her a matching pink bow too! The main extra thing is the friendship bracelet idea mentioned earlier with Makoto in which I gave her a green one to match Makoto's outfit and energy. Thought it'd be a nice touch! Again though. All designs are open for change!

[ceebit]

okay,, just imagine you & vernon having a battle abt who’s more awkward/had more awkward moments. you’re both spitting out your embarrassing moments like a roast battle & eventually one of you just says the most excruciatingly cringe, humbling, felt it through the screen humiliating, should’ve kept it to yourself moment. i feel like this is just such an oddly comforting & wholesome friendship/relationship moment.

laughed so loud at this pls. why is it always vernon.

“remember the time i had salad in my teeth and i had to give a speech at a school in front of a bunch of middle schoolers?”

your head shifts on his lap to look up at him in a amusement, brow furrowed as you try and garner what prompted him to bring up such an embarrassing moment. the movie you’d put on had long since been tuned out, volume lowered, and the silence had been enjoyable. it’s one of the many things you liked about your friendship with vernon—you didn’t feel the need to fill the space between you with mindless chatter.

“mhm. i remember your face pleasantly paling and having to coax you out of a hallway corner for over thirty minutes.”

he laughs, nose scrunching up at the memory, and rolls his eyes. “they were all giggling and i really could not figure out why for the life of me. i even looked down to see if anyone had pantsed me without me knowing.”

“small children are ruthless,” you agree sympathetically, and he shoves your shoulder gently.

well if you were sharing embarrassing moments…

“remember the time i wore our school uniform inside out and backwards?” you grin, eyes narrowed at the minute way he purses his lips to keep from laughing, and poke his stomach. “and i didn’t notice until the teacher cleared her throat and said—”

“‘y/n, sweetheart, run to the bathroom for a bit?’,” you finish in unison, and vernon snorts a laugh into the palm of his hand. you squint at him all the while, arm moving up to shove him the way way he’d done before.

“think having to walk out of the classroom and into the hallways—past several open classroom doors, mind you—with my uniform on backwards and inside out beats salad teeth in front of small kids any day.” your eyes closed, you sigh and lay a hand on over your heart before adding on, “i think that change my entire psyche. was a changed person after that day.”

“yeah? and my pants ripping open in the soccer field on game night and showing my good luck briefs to the entire high school isn’t worse?”

you peek an eye open to see vernon inquiring you with a brow raised, and ultimately realize where this was going. so be it, then. good luck underwear be damned.

“definitely child’s play compared to my mom chaperoning the halloween party and making me show up in matching hot dog costumes.” you remember the cellphone lights and quiet snickering all to well, even faking a stomachache from all the candy to miss out on school for the next three days.

“you have your voice crack when it’s your turn to read morning announcements and come back to me when your childhood spirit hasn’t been destroyed,” he scoffs dramatically, and you sit up in incredulous disbelief. that wasn’t even bad, considering you know he’s gone through worse. not as bad as you, though, which reminds you of—

“learning most of your outfit was see through after getting drenched in the rain and having to root through ‘work handouts’ only to come out wearing the worst combination of clothes humanly has ever seen in broad daylight on the day of a really important meeting definitely beats ‘broken childhood spirit’,” you roll your eyes playfully, “especially since everything looked… wrong. i looked like an overgrown gap kids model.”

you shake your head at the burst of laughter you get in return, grinning despite yourself. “i think that’s the worst thing i’ve ever gone through, personally. i’ve never wanted to sink into the floor and living amongst the earth and worms more than i did that day.”

“yeah? tell that to the journals i filled with how much i liked your stupid face.”

his eyes widen suddenly, a hand quickly slapping to cover his mouth, and avoids looking at you entirely. you blink, dazed by the sudden admission, and laugh nervously.

“the journals you filled with how much you…?”

“i don’t like this game anymore,” he mumbles through his hand, and you can’t help the quiet laugh that slips past your lips. he glares at you without any heat, and with enough prodding, he eventually relaxes enough to face you again.

“remember when chan broke into my room and got ahold of one of my notebooks?”

you do. you also clearly remember him almost tearing him a new one in arguably the worst panic you’ve ever seen him in, eyes wide and ears tipped red for whatever reason before the younger boy could utter a single word written between the pages. you remember being curious about chan’s loud gasp and vernon’s visceral reaction—granted it was an invasion of privacy—but everyone wrote in journals. you’d chalked it up to embarrassing recounts of childhood days or stress written retellings of losing his favorite pair of socks in the wash.

not… you.

“is that why you didn’t speak to him for three days?” vernon looks up at the sound of your voice, surprised at the calm timbre and complete lack of the clearly expected teasing that usually followed revealing you’d written about your best friend in secret, and lifts a hand to rake through brown strands with a sigh.

“partly. it was really embarrassing, you know? also i was like twelve, and a little stupid, so a dramatic three-day long grudge was a nightmare to him. his mom even made him write an apology letter.”

you laugh again and he cracks a smile. “do you still have the journals?”

“oh, god, no. i burned them all along with my childhood dreams and aspirations to be a pilot.”

you look at him. he looks at you. and you look at him. and he looks back at you. silence hangs between the two of you again, prolonged for a moment too long, and you see the way he relaxes into the couch. his mistake, honestly.

you take that moment to bolt from your seated position, socked feet sliding against the floor as you make a break for him room. you hear his alarmed sound of protest, quickly discarding the remote to run after you, and unfortunately makes it to his bedroom door before you.

“let me see them!”

“i would literally rather bungee jump off of mount everest than let you read my pubescent diary entries.”

[allyricas]

a part 2 of sorts to this

i've been pondering what sort of misunderstanding/fight could actually end a best friendship.

i'm imagining little steve and eddie about two years apart in age. they first meet as little kids at the playground and instantly decide they are best friends. it doesn't matter that steve is 5 and eddie is 7. they play pretend and tag. they both have shitty home lives in very different ways and neither want to be home. they spend all their free time exploring the woods and riding their bikes all over town.

pre-middle school, steve is just a goofy, adorable kid. no interest in girls, no interest in being popular. he's happy to have eddie and the few things he likes to do like basketball and swimming. eddie is sweet even if he's a little rough around the edges. he isn't a metalhead loner yet, just a kid who likes fantasy worlds and to make people laugh.

i think middle school is where things start going wrong. it's not so bad that first year when steve starts the sixth grade. eddie has his band at that point and yeah, he's not very popular but he's not considered a freak. they get to see each other in the hallway and they ride their bikes home together.

then, steve goes from cute little kid to teenager with naturally great hair and a killer smile over the summer between six and seventh grade. girls are noticing him, giggling as he walks by. he gets tall and fills out a bit. joins the swim team and basketball team officially and he's really good at both. being apart of a team means he's making more friends. it means tommy h and tommy t hanging around.

eddie hates it. he hates the way steve looks different. hates that everyone is noticing him now. fucking loathes all the girls that blush and makes eyes at steve while he walks down the hallway. he would rather eat dirt than sit and listen to the way steve's new friends encourage him to be a bit of an asshole even if steve doesn't partake in it. he has all these feelings bubbling up in him that he just cannot understand.

it's the following year that things go fully bad. the distance growing between them is inevitable with steve in middle school and eddie over at the highschool. he's a freshman and he can feel how much he doesn't fit in. that he isn't like most of the other teens. when he stumbles across the dungeons and dragons club and the leader explains it's a fantasy game, eddie's hooked. he doesn't give a shit about the reputation the club has. ignores the whispers of freak and satan worshiper that gets thrown towards the people in the club.

i think the huge falling out would be over steve's first girlfriend. he is caught up with it all and starts to spend less and less time with eddie despite having no intention to do so. she's a cheerleader, blonde and pretty. she hangs all over steve all the time even the few times eddie is around as well. it makes eddie's blood boil. he cannot even put into words how much he hates seeing them together.

he's already having a hard time since he moved in with uncle wayne even if he knows it's better. the transition from his little house on the outskirts of town with his parents to the trailer park with his uncle unrattles him. eddie doesn't like change, so add in his best friend getting a girlfriend and eddie is a mess.

the jealousy that he doesn't even realize is jealousy leads him to being a dick. he says something really horrible about steve to his friends that steve overhears. maybe, something about what a stupid, annoying jock he is. how he doesn't even really want to hang around him anymore. or worse, that he can't stand the person steve's become.

and he is spewing vitriol he does not mean. it's confusion and jealousy and fear all wrapped up in the desperate feeling of everything falling apart. because everything he feels about steve is so jumbled up, he can't even attempt to try and figure out it.

and when steve confronts him and eddie just scoffs. refuses to talk it out. refuses to say sorry, that he didn't really mean it. steve lets his inner mean girl out and hurts him right back because they are teenagers and everything seems so big and painful.

spews out the words freak and eddie feels it imprint on his heart and into his skin like a brand.

"well fuck you then. i didn't do anything to you. why do you always have to act like such a freak, munson."

other people hear steve harrington calling eddie munson a freak and the name sticks. eddie is known as the freak who lives in the trailer park. the satanist drug dealer. the guy who flunks senior year.

steve regrets the fight right away, but refuses to try and fix it. Eddie lets himself believe all the hate, convinced that he meant every word he said about steve.

embraces his outcast status with enthusiasm. it's all speeches on tables about how shitty jocks are. it's throwing up devil horns at people and tattoos and his battle vest. he solidifies the munson doctrine. lets himself thrive on the way people skitter away from him.

popular kids suck, especially that 'king steve'. what a prick, he lets himself think until it really sinks in.

the friendship is over. years of affection between these two boys lost over such nonsense. in a few years, no one even remembers the way eddie and steve used to go everywhere together. that they orbited each other as if pulled in by gravity.

it takes middle schoolers, death and monsters for them to finally get their shit together.

[ratherbeabrcharacter]

Thinking about Movieverse!Morro

Maybe Morro was adopted by Wu when Lloyd was young, so he ended up babysitting Lloyd when Koko was too busy working double shifts. He ends up warming up to Lloyd.

One day, Garmadon burns down Wu's house in the middle of the night, and Wu barely makes it out of the collapsing building trying to help him. And so, wanting no, needing to help somehow, Morro ends up being trained as the Green Ninja. The duo fights together and have each other's back, and for a while, things are good.

However, on the day he was supposed to receive the green ninja gi, Morro almost gets eaten alive by a shark while fighting Garmadon's generals, nearly drowning. Wu has to hear Morro's screams as he's being eaten alive before ripping the shark off him. Afterwards, Morro loses his legs, and fearing a worse incident, Wu benches him indefinitely. Not only that, he enrolls Morro to a faraway college where he won't get hurt in the future when he has to move.

And so, Morro ends up feeling confined in his own body. Needing to train somehow (and help pay the bills), he starts working at the library, simultaneously training his mind, desperately looking for a cure so he can fight again, and prove to Wu he's still very capable of earning his keep. (This is a very toxic mindset btw, not helped by the rumors after his "disappearance" from duty. Wu did NOT mean to make Morro feel this way)

Meanwhile, his pseudo cousin/brother starts making friends at school (he's very happy for him in that regard, poor kid needs some friends he's, not lonely he isn't being replaced) and in a similar vein to Morro, Lloyd really wants to help in some way to stop his father. Wu outright refuses and even bans the subject from coming up again.

Lloyd constantly tries to sneak on missions and almost gets hurt. So resigned, Wu figured that if he was going to stick around anyways he might as well learn some self defense and basic attacks.

When Garmadon tries to burn down his house again, Wu reluctantly starts training ninja again, but in fear of what Morro would feel, he left out telling him anything and swore the ninja team to secrecy.

During research for a ninja mission, Zane realizes that the only place to find any good primary resources was in the Ninjago City Library -where Morro happens to work.

The ninja have no luck trying to navigate the mixed library system (not just organized under by dewy decimal system I'm afraid) Morro overheard their struggles and decided to help them out. They accept his help under the guise of doing a research paper. Still, I imagine, books with the title of "How to Deal with and Defeat evil Villains: A Guide" is very conspicuous. Morro figures out who they are how he's been left in the dark -

abandoned

replaced by someone better

-and confronts Lloyd and co. about it in the back alley of the library.

In the end, he finds himself begrudgingly understanding where they're coming from, the need to do something and they call out a truce. Not wanting be left behind, Morro offers his assistance in exchange for being in the loop.

This isn't exactly the healthiest for him mentally, since similarly to Kai, he's the kind of person who has to take action, to feel in control. But being injured, he becomes a liability on the battlefield, so he's held back and has to sit back and wait. (for his cousin and little group of friends to be injured while he sits on his hands and does nothing)

Morro understands the kid didn't ask nor intentionally tried to replace him, and he's happy for him but-

He's feels a vindictive part of him happy every time Lloyd's hurt

He could be so much better if they'd just let him-

In his final year before college (Ninjago High will teach both middle and high for plot convenience) everything boils over into an explosive argument at school with Morro leaving and moving out in the middle of the night.

He uses his savings to move into his new dorm and ignores his text messages, only saying he won't bother them anymore, since he's at college now.

Wu never moves the house key from under the doormat, just in case Morro wanted to visit or needs something - anything (what has he done)

Lloyd is a mess the kids at school were right about him-how could he drive his own brother away

And the ninja team have mixed feelings

we should've noticed - done better

How could he make Lloyd feel this way

I hope they're okay

We need to give them all some space

Search result for: what should I do I'm confused and sad and mad and

The only (one) time he ever visits is when Garmadon burned down their Wu's home again.

He feels numb, hollow, like a ghost of his former self

In college, Morro roomates with Goultar, who introduces him to his gang of friends Bansha and Soul Archer. They help him out with his living situation since he doesn't want Wu's charity.

He can't go back to Wu like this. no way.

Turns out, they're part of a revolutionary group called the Winds of Change, with the goal of "reshaping Ninjago City as we know it to build a new and better world". Morro thinks they're kinda shady, but chooses not to say anything since his friends (who've done a lot for him, who he trusts) are fervent supporters of the group.

He doesn't want to (can't) be alone

Morro eventually joins the group, and soon, with the help of his friends (and his own merit), rises to the top as 2nd in command. During his time in the group, he's grown more paranoid, snappier, and generally more volatile as he struggles under the weight of balancing schoolwork and attending midnight meetings.

As a final test, the leader of the group, Yang, tasks him and his generals (friends) to steal the realm crystal, an old artifact being on show at the Ninjago city library - where he used to work. The group plans to use the artifact to revive their founder, a woman reverently titled as "The Preeminent" to lead them "into the new age".

Morro's extremely hesitant, even opposing his orders, but his "friends" pressure him into it. "haven't we done so much for you? The old museum curator won't even remember it! Why can't you do just this ONE thing for us?"

And so, using his employee access card (it feels so long ago he was working in these empty halls, he never returned his pass) they break in.

Suddenly, an alarm sounds

Shit! We have to run. They have the ninja on standby here.

What!? You never told me this!

Well duh! The artifact belongs to the Garmadon Family!

Stop! The secret ninja force is - Morro?! Why are you here?

At this point, Morro realizes that he's way in over his head, but it's too late to back out.

In the end, its Lloyd who has to restrains him and turn him in to the cops.

Morro ends up getting a prison sentence, but due to a anonymous word from the Green Ninja is lessened to 2 years.

He refuses any and all visits

In jail, Morro meets Karlof, and they form a tentative friendship. They look out for each other, and despite having some differences, both share a strong sense of determination and stubbornness.

After he gets out of jail, Karlof (who was released first) helps him get back on his feet and offers to let him stay in his apartment. Morro didn't refuse. (He was jus so tired) He knows that Karlof isn't going to ditch him, but when his friends come over he can't hep but fear he's being replaced even tho he was here last.

When Karlof finds out, he looks Morro in the eye and promises that he won't leave him - no matter what.

It's at this point that Morro just breaks - at this point he's just been through so much - from having nothing to a family to a future to being a failure to feeling so so lonely all those pent up emotions just comes out in one big storm. He tells Karlof everything, and I mean everything.

He expects Karlof to drop him - there's no way he would want him around now, but Karlof just gives him a huge hug (it reminds him of home).

Maybe things aren't so bad

Idk where to go from here, but in the end they reconcile with each other and Morro now has a support system (yay!) Karlof's friends welcome him into their group with open arms. I'm still debating wether or not Garmadon will build him a prosthetic (that works like a real arm? Or with limitations he has work around creatively or turn into an advantage?)Will he be a ninja?

Edit: I think maybe at one point the gang members/cult members from the preeminent gang escape and with plans to kidnap Lloyd, fight the ninja. Morro has a choice: to back to them or fight alongside his family. He chooses the latter.

Things aren't perfect, but I'd like to think they're all happy and content together.

Sidenote: I came up with that karlof sideplot on a whim as I was writing this.

Adding one more headcanon - Bansha and Morro bonds over emo makeup and cool music.

Ideas, c&c are welcome and this idea is free to use with credit!

Just if anyone does, please PLEASE send me a link to it cuz I need more morro in my life.

[gureumcity]

10 months

💌 pairing: lee hyunjae x reader, lee juyeon x reader 💌 genre: oneshot, dating bet!au, professional dancer!juyeon 💌 warning: profanity, long term heartbreak (it's kinda toxic so i put it here just in case) 💌 word count: 7.7k words 💌 author's note: was honestly inspired by the olympics, watching figure skating but i just didn’t see any of them figure skating. so if it doesn’t make sense, sorry in advance. enjoy the read as always.

[ when what you believe is a beautiful relationship, turns out to be a total lie, you lose trust in yourself more than in the boy. you shut yourself out and stop living. even when another someone helps you out and brings you back into the world again. you may be thankful but you're never quite over the first. the one who hurt continuously hurt you. over and over again. ]

"i swear to god. you're just like how everyone said!," your thundering voice was heard across the hall of your apartment complex. surely, the neighbors were annoyed. but nothing compared to the humiliation and anger you were feeling as tears ran down your cheeks and your hands in fists. "but you know? you know what's so funny? ... that i truly believed you loved me!" with a slam of the door to your home, there stood a boy baffled. because at the very least, he'd thought you would at least let him explain. but no. and now.. all he could do was wait for you to be okay. no matter how long that took.

10 months. 10 months was all it took for you to fall so deeply in love and for your heart to get as easily as broken.

lee hyunjae was a boy you met at the beginning of high school. you were born in south korea but had moved to the states (boston, massachusetts) as soon as you graduated middle school. there, you met hyunjae. he was one of the most sweetest guys you'd ever met with one of the worst reputations. pretty much what one can imagine. the high school's it boy, aka fuck boy. not very convenient when all he did was share class notes and give you winks across the hallways every time you'd walk past by each other. things progressed fast before you noticed yourself falling more in love with the boy. and one day, like a dream come true, he asks you out. you still remember the words.

"so wanna share more physics notes at my house later? and maybe also be my girlfriend?"

cringy, i know.. maybe that should have been the first red flag. but it gets worse. sure, he cared a lot about his reputation and did a good job with upholding that. but with you.. he was a natural, caring guy who seemed more interested in a lot of things than what he leads. falling in love with someone like hyunjae was easy. too easy.

so here you were. running away from your problems and flying to la, california with a scholarship for photography. you were covered for a good two, three years to study what you like to do and to get a fresh start. having yourself embarrassed in front of the school was already too much on your end. and the fact that your life was stolen while hyunjae lived daily life as he did before, definitely did not make any of it feel any better. flirting with girls, playing on the soccer team, and hanging out with the same boys. it was so sickening. not the fact that he was able to go back to his everyday routine so easily. but that he still had you wrapped around his finger. that's what made going to la, a better, and easier, decision than anything. it was like hitting two birds with one stone.

after a while, you got used to everything. you grew numb to feeling love and also expressing love. that may be why photography was your way of finding passion and emotion. you adapted fairly quickly actually. and with the biggest dance performance coming up in france, lots of other competitions were taking place which also meant cha-ching. taking photos of representatives and of the event will be a big assignment for you; not to mention lots of hot professional dancers. you had always admired dancers. the way they gracefully play with their chosen songs while using absolutely every muscle possible to present such a beautiful piece. this was your seventh show you've been to now. two years really did pass by quickly.

but don't forget. you weren't the complete loser you claim yourself as. you've made friends along the way. lee juyeon, who you had met at these said competitions. he had placed first place in many, resulting in multiple individual photoshoots of him. opening up about your life wasn't something you'd like to do. especially with the way your recent high school life back in boston ended. but with many breaks and awkward silences during those shoots, one of you was bound to speak. and you, the photographer, sadly had to be the bigger person. one thing led to another. and you two became close friends. for the first time in forever, you felt at peace and that you belonged somewhere. lee younghoon, you had met in la. he was forced by his dad to come to one of the dance competitions. regardless of his intention to come for fun or not, he had bumped into you and dropped your coffee all over, resulting in his many apologies and a talk in the cafe after. you know how the rest goes. juyeon and younghoon meet and the three of you were now closer than ever.

feeling your phone buzz in your pocket, you reach for it to be faced with the familiar caller id, "bro", quickly putting him on speaker.

"hello?"

"hello? is that all you gotta say to me after days of not talking? i have called you like five times today and you have answered once!" you chuckle at the upset voice across the device. "well then, sunwoo, maybe you should get a life instead of calling me so much." all you hear on the other end was a scoff as you finish packing your bag. sunwoo was your twin brother. well, separated twin brother. after the divorce, you went with your mother to boston while he stayed with your father back in korea. you two still kept in good contact and met up occasionally but it wasn't the usual family situation. "anywayyy! when's your flight?"

you hear a knock at the door and keys jangling before seeing juyeon walk in. "on monday. why?" watching as he took his shoes off and sat down on the couch, you gesture to him that you'll be with him a second. "nothing. it's just our birthday soon! so i'm holding a party for us. so since your flight is gonna be on monday, you'll definitely be able to make it to our party. right? you need to! listen to your big brother! you have to be there, okay?"

"you're literally two minutes older. stop acting as if you're more superior. i'm gonna go," juyeon's chuckle could be heard as he listened to you fight with your twin brother. you quickly end the phone call and walk over to your couch. "sorry about that. sunwoo keeps bothering me about our birthday.."

"speaking of birthday.. am i invited?"

"juyeon. are you kidding me? of course you're invited. i just didn't ask cause i know you're busy with training and i didn't want to be the reason you skip out on practice during such an important time.." he places your keys in your hands and smiles. "your birthday is much more important than anything. i'll go. besides i have something else to say..," as you drop your keys on the table, he clears his throat. "i'm moving back to korea. my training in america is over and i have to practice back home. plus dance performance is in france anyway. so i gotta get back soon."

"you're kidding!"

"nope. just bought my plane ticket. it's the same time and close to your seat too. maybe we can ask to switch seats with the person sitting next to you." with a quick jump, you wrap your arms around him. "ahh! i'm so excited. yes. we'll definitely do that. and since younghoon's back in korea too, i can invite him too."

the flight back was as normal as it can be. you both fell asleep midway but got to enjoy the sunset below. when you landed, it was around 3pm and sunwoo was already there, waiting. "ooh. guess who brought their boyfriend!" he teased, and as much as you didn't want to, your smile disappears. nothing wrong with juyeon. but it's just you haven't heard you and boyfriend in the same phrase for a while and it made you cringe. "yea yea.. anyway let's go." with yours and juyeon's luggage in the trunk, you decided to sit in the back with juyeon up in the passenger seat.

"so.. have you decided where you wanna live?" sunwoo asks as juyeon looks at you through the rear mirror with a smile. "actually.. yea, i have. younghoon's let us use his house. the benefits to having a rich friend." with chuckles, sunwoo thanks juyeon for changing the address on the navi. "you're still paying rent though, right?"

"of course i am. who do you think i am? a freeloader?," the silence was so loud, it hurt. "wow.. thanks guys."

unpacking was harder than packing. at least when you're putting things back in, all you have to worry about things crinkling up or folding in a weird way but once there out, you gotta think about how to place them somewhere. but you did what you could and managed to figure it out. "you finished unpacking?" you hear younghoon's voice outside your room. "yea! i'll be out in just a sec." and once you were downstairs in the living room, you see younghoon and juyeon sitting on the black, leather, very younghoon-like, couch.

"okay. we're gonna need to make some rules," juyeon and you catch each other rolling your eyes at younghoon's words before laughing. "look. i don't care how messy your rooms get. i won't step one foot in them. but! you can't mess my room or the downstairs rooms. especially the kitchen. understand?," after seeing the two of you physically nod, did younghoon let the two of you go. "good. so what do you guys wanna do on your first day back? after a good night's sleep, i'm sure you guys can have some fun.."

"i'm down to go clubbing.." juyeon starts. "just like old times?" you add on, as if you were finishing his sentence. silence meant agreement. so off the three of you ran, up to your rooms to get dressed.

let's just say the day went by quick and the next day was hangover day for the three of you. four days passed and today was the party. sunwoo had basically forced you to come to your own party that you didn't even plan. just added a few people on the guestlist but that's all you got to do. not that you were complaining. you didn't really care much anyway. it just gave you a reason to dress up.

"so.. how's the birthday girl?," you smiled at the voice before turning around to see juyeon, showing off your outfit. "apparently all ready for the party.. happy birthday, y/n." with him opening up his arms, you walk into his embrace. "you know. it feels weird to be back here. i don't know if i should go see my dad.."

"you do what you wanna do. but for now..," you chuckle as he pushes you out the room and guides you downstairs to the car outside. "hop in. i'm driving us to sunwoo's house." you watch as younghoon gets in the back and immediately puts his airpods in. it takes a few minutes to drive over and when you see the neighborhood, it wasn't hard to guess which house the party was being held. the music was loud and the big banner said everything. you just hoped he had warned his neighbors first. but that wasn't your concern.

"hey guys! the birthday girl is here!! late! but here." sunwoo says as he opens the door, loud enough the attention goes to you. and to your embarrassment, juyeon grabs your hand and takes you into the kitchen. "a drink?" taking in the amount of people in here, you were scared people would think you guys were a frat. with a simple nod, juyeon pours in two cups of punch and hands one to you. "thanks.."

"hey sunwoo. where do we put all the gifts?" younghoon speaks up, carrying all the gifts you guys had brought over. yes, it may be your birthday but it was sunwoo's too. you couldn't not buy him something. "oh. just put them all into this room." you help younghoon with the gifts and place them where sunwoo had told you to. after a while, there were almost a hundred people in the house.

"this should be everyone, right?" you ask sunwoo as he was checking the guestlist. "no," your smile drops. what? how could he possibly know this many people that want to come and celebrate his birthday with him? "you know a few of them. eric and them are coming but i told them to bring the cake. i knew something would happen to it if i had prepared it beforehand. so i had them pick it up. they're heading over soon after they pick up their friends too." you down your drink and walk over to the couch where juyeon relaxes. "i swear sunwoo plays around too much or something. i knew this was gonna be a party but with this many people? goddamn." juyeon chuckles at your frustration. "why don't you go grab another drink? get me one too while you're at it." you nod, heading over to the kitchen before someone else enters through the door. you catch a glance at the newcomers and immediately gasp when you see the last person entering. you wanted to hide. you wanted to literally disappear. it's been almost three years? and you thought you had gotten better. but what is this reaction? now you were back to square one. you felt pathetic. and to think, you didn't think it could get worse. until it did. his eyes catch yours and he smiles. smiles! you poured the two drinks and walk your way over. and just when he thinks he has a chance to talk to you, you pass by him and sit down next to juyeon. and as your best friend, it felt only right he ask what was wrong.

"hey.. you good?" your eyes said everything. juyeon sat up straight. "it's him.. hyunjae. why is here? how does he even know sunwoo?" all that anger and humiliation from that night was building back up. and if it wasn't for juyeon holding you back, you would have left this place before the actual party even started. all while you were panicking, hyunjae couldn't take his eyes off you. you were as beautiful as he remembered. maybe even more. "hey guys! you're finally here." you and juyeon watch as kevin and his other friend, you assume, place the very large cake on the kitchen island. "y/n?" your attention shifts over to the voice before seeing chanhee.

"oh my god! eric? it's been so long. what the hell? how are you so tall?" you said, hugging his now tall and lean figure. "well. the last time we saw each other was like five years ago.." you nodded, acknowledging his words but still shocked by his growth. "do i get a hug too?" you see changmin peeking his head through so you immediately open your arms. "of course! you guys are.. men! that's crazy." once sunwoo comes your way, he starts introducing you to his friends.

"so this is my twin sister, y/n. you know changmin, chanhee, eric. this is kevin, jacob, sangyeon, haknyeon. and this is hyunjae. he's also from boston. ha! it'd be funny if you knew each other." sunwoo explains and you couldn't help but let out a little sigh at his name. just like a hero, juyeon's up from the couch and wraps his arm around your shoulder. "nice to meet you guys. i'm juyeon." he says placing out his hand in which sangyeon accepts first. and the rest followed. "wait wait.. i wanna hear you guys talk. say something in english." changmin says, interested. "you guys probably won't even understand anyway." you say as everyone gasps sarcastically. "oh come on, y/n. don't be a party pooper." with sunwoo's words, you roll your eyes and clear your throat.

"how's life been for you?" you started first, deadpan. "it's been good, i guess. what have you been up to?"

"that's none of your business." you hear the others cheering at the accents, having no idea what you two had even said. well, besides younghoon who chuckled and maybe a bit of juyeon. even though he may have a translator, you're sure he caught on to most of it. that was until you realized more people might have caught on your guys’ english conversation.

you know how the rest of the party went. people got way too drunk, passed out, some left, and you're pretty sure you heard a few couples upstairs doing god knows what. and the whole night, all you could do was talk to juyeon as younghoon was getting friendly with changmin and chanhee. and despite all that, you couldn't get drunk. you don't know what kind of mistake you could make with hyunjae and you couldn't risk anything. when there was about half of the people left, you stood up to use the restroom. after drinking almost three bottles of water, you needed to pee. after finishing your business, you wanted to get back to juyeon. but hyunjae had other plans. he grabs your hand and takes you outside without saying anything. when you realize you were already far out as two houses down, you shake your hand off and glare at him. "what? you're mad? when all you've been doing is hanging out with that juyeon dude? what? are you guys dating? is he your boyfriend?"

"what? hyunjae. you're drunk."

"no. i'm perfectly fine." his slurring voice wasn't hard to miss, proving that he indeed was drunk. too drunk, in fact. he grabs both your wrists this time so hard that you winced. "hyunjae."

"hyunjae."

"why is everything so easy for you? i know you don't even like him. i can see it. you don't look at him the way you used to look at me. come on. don't you feel anything for me? even when i do this?" when you feel him stepping closer, you step back. "hyunjae! i'm warning you. let. go," you tried to wriggle out his grasp. you can feel your wrists bruising. "hyunjae.. it hurts. please..." when hyunjae sees your eyes tearing up, he loosens his grip. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean to." you step away, a tear slipping away.

"i hate you." you quickly retrace your steps back into the house and grab your bag, immediately running out. juyeon follows you out with his car keys, unlocking the vehicle. (you drove, no worries. no drinking and driving!)

the next day, your head hurt. but none of it from any alcohol. from the way you kept tossing and turning last night, thinking of hyunjae. out of all the simulations you have made in your mind of what would happen when you by chance, ever bump into him again, that was not it. once you got downstairs, you had noticed porridge on the table with a note on top.

i know you couldn't sleep at night so i made you this. make sure to heat it up before you eat it. - younghoon

younghoon keeps quiet about other people's business but always knew what was going on. he was a nice guy who took advantage of his skill and helps. you wish there were more people like him in the world.

"so.. that was hyunjae, huh?" juyeon's groggy voice is heard. "yea.."

"remind me what happened?," you release a soft sigh as you take out the porridge from the microwave. "just humor me. i want to know how this dude fucked himself up."

"okay.. i guess," you sat down. "yesterday, he dragged me out, absolutely off his limit and starts yelling at me about you. almost like he's... jealous? i didn't understand his words but i know what his intentions were. he's still the same asshole he was years back." juyeon watches your reaction. he's never met hyunjae in his life. all he knows is the hyunjae from your stories. and that was enough to know that he was a dick. but he never noticed that you still have remaining feelings for him, whether you'd admit or not. did he have competition? probably not, after last night. or at least, that's what juyeon was hoping.

--------------------

hyunjae, on the other hand, had woken up around an hour ago, completely regretting everything he said last night. he didn't mean any of it. sure. deep down, he was jealous at the way you laughed at everything juyeon said or the way you leaned into his shoulders like he's the one you love. he hated it. all of it. and when he thinks of that day of your guys' fight, he grimaces. instead of waiting for you to reach out to him like a coward, he wishes he had the courage to just tell you. even if that hadn't changed a thing. at least, he would have been able to confess his true feelings to you.

"dude.. do you and juyeon know each other or something?" eric asks from his bed, watching some anime on the tv screen. "what do you mean?"

"i mean.. i don't know if it was just me but it seemed like he was glaring at you the whole night yesterday. did you flirt with y/n? she seems to have a thing with juyeon." hyunjae's eyebrows twitch at those words but at some point, he had to admit. he was years late. and he didn't have to know the whole story to know that juyeon was probably there for you when he wasn't. "uhh no.. i don't know man," eric shrugs and continues to slurp his ramen noodles. "speaking of.. do you have y/n's number? i wasn't able to get it last night and i saw that you were exchanging numbers." hyunjae casually says, hoping eric doesn't find anything suspicious. "oh yea. i'll send it to you right now. but i'm warning you, dude. i'm pretty sure they're a thing." and when his own phone buzzes, he couldn't help but smile. "okay whatever.. thanks,"

"anyway.. i gotta go. let's finish the series next time." he murmurs before rushing out the door. eric's attention wasn't even anywhere near what he said so he escaped through eric's house and immediately got into his car and dialed the number he had just received.

when he hears the phone call picked up and all you say was a simple "hello?" yet his heart was already fluttering. "hey. it's hyunjae. don't! end the call.. i just.. i know i don't exactly deserve it but i wanted to explain myself. about everything. no matter how late my apology is.. could we meet up somewhere?," the silence scared him. he wouldn't have known if you had the ended the call unless he hadn't checked. "y/n?"

"um. yea.. sure. meet me at the park near sunwoo's house," and with that, you ended the call. "hey guys.. i'm gonna head out. i'll be back in a few." you can see the two boys nod their head but you're sure they're too distracted with their gaming so you slip out the door with your bag and phone in your hand. when you parked your car, you could see a fancy car on the other side of the block. you watch as hyunjae walks out of the said vehicle. while you knew hyunjae had come from a wealthy family, it didn't occur to you that he was this wealthy.

"hey.. thanks for meeting me." hyunjae says, taking in your beauty. you hum a response, waiting for whatever he needed to say and seated yourself next to him on the bench. "so.."

"so. i came to apologize. and to explain. back when the guys had made this bet, it all started off because i thought you were pretty. but you know.. you hated the whole reputation thing we held so i knew i didn't have a chance with you. and when i said that you're totally out of my league, that you would never date me, they told me that they'd pay me if i got you to be my girlfriend. it was only for six months though. but i held out onto it. cause being with you felt so much better than i had first expected," you couldn't help but scoff. “and i know that none of this is an excuse to treat you this way. but i just want you to know that i never wanted you to get hurt. and i was just blinded by the fact that i could get a little bit of money while also getting the girl i liked. i was stupid. i'm sorry."

"how much?"

"huh?"

"how much?"

"$500."

"so playing with my heart was worth $500 for you?"

"i didn't take the money. i didn't take any of it. i told them that this was wrong and that none of it-"

"what do you want me to say? thanks? congrats?," hyunjae felt shivers down his spine when you stand up. he knew that in some sort of way, he had messed up again. "congrats for liking me despite the mere $500 i was worth? and for believing that this shitty apology cuts out for all those nights i cried myself to sleep. i hope you get some of that guilt off your chest because you sure seemed like you needed to get this off your chest. and i'm also sorry if you came today thinking i would accept your apology because i don't. i really wished i could." gathering your things, you make yourself back to your car before hearing, "i still love you!" you freeze in your place. what? when you feel his presence again, you slowly turn around. eyes in contact with one another and your hands stop moving.

"what?"

"y/n.. i never stopped loving you." your tears had started to build up to your eyes in which you failed to hide. with a swift move, you were in hyunjae's arms. this time, you could smell his cologne. his intoxicating cologne. and feel his heartbeat. the warm vibration as he mutters sorry over and over again. and as hard as it was, you place your hand on his chest and slowly push yourself away. "but you know what, hyunjae?," looking into his eyes once more, you smile. "it doesn't matter whether or not you took the money. it's the fact that you took a deal with my heart on the end of it because you were blinded by greed. goodbye."

for the second time, hyunjae watches you walk away. and it hurt the same just as it did the first time. but like the first, he can do nothing but watch.

--------------------

"so why the hell did you not tell me about hyunjae?" it's been almost two weeks since the talk and sunwoo is freaking out over hyunjae. technically, he's not even supposed to know about him but he walked in on juyeon and you talking about what to do with hyunjae. now sunwoo has seated the both of you at your shared dining table and demands to know what happened. all you could do was sigh because you knew his stubbornness wouldn't help.

"him and i dated senior year. we met each other in high school. and just like a wattpad story, he was your regular fuck boy that flirted with every girl he had the chance to. but he was sweet to me. spoke to me about his true interests. if that's even what those were.. anyway. basically i thought that he was able to open himself up to me that he couldn't to others because of his image. we dated 10 months and into the summer, he tells me that he didn't mean it to end this way but that everything just started off as a bet among his friends. we fought back and forth. cause he just kept giving me this bullshit excuse that he meant everything despite the bet. so i ended up yelling at him and left australia," sunwoo's jaw dropping was enough for you to know hyunjae was no longer invited to your birthday parties. "but i know that you guys are good friends. and i'm sure he's changed now. so don't mind me. i just happen to have a history with him."

"okay so wait.. i only care about one thing right now."

"what?" sunwoo clears his throat, staring at juyeon. "do you still like him?" you stare at your hands on your lap, not knowing how to answer. juyeon had seen this coming. matter of fact, he's been hurt by your answer to this question every time. even when you replied yes or the silence. it both meant you still had feelings for hyunjae anyway. but this time. "i don't know." juyeon's eyes shift over to you. he wondered what made you change your answer this time. you honestly didn't know either. "okay then? and i think you're right. hyunjae has changed. so i hope you don't mind that we'll still occasionally hang out." you shook your head, reassuring that you were okay with this.

a month passes since you got back from america and you were settled for good now. taking up little projects and finding customers here and there. your online shop helped a lot in setting up this mini business for you. juyeon and younghoon really helped out in advertising.

just as you push your shopping cart in the supermarket, you find yourself in front of someone. "hyunjae.."

"hey. how's everything going?" you smile at the casual conversation starter. "good.. yea. you?"

"the same old. same old..," as you pull your cart out of the way, hyunjae takes a hold of your hand. "y/n.. can i suggest something?" you stare at him, confused.

"i know this is a stretch. but i'd rather know i took all the chances i had with you before fully letting go. and.. i was wondering if you would go on three dates. just three. no strings attached and nothing serious. i'll treat you to all three. and if you truly feel absolutely nothing, i'll let you go. hmm?"

--------------------

"what did she say? she obviously said no, right?" younghoon watches as juyeon stresses out. you had to go to an appointment and since juyeon wasn't home, you had told younghoon to let juyeon know what's going on. "she said yes."

"what?"

"she wants to give him a chance."

"you're kidding, right-"

"not because she wants this to work. she just wants to feel better. she agrees that this relationship needs a better wrap-up. that's why she agreed," with juyeon's sigh, younghoon chuckles. "don't worry. she doesn't like him." at his words, juyeon lets out an awkward chuckle. "you knew?"

"knew what? that you like y/n? yea dude. it's pretty obvious. i'm sure almost everyone at the birthday party caught on," his panicking breaths was enough for younghoon to pat juyeon's back. "except y/n.. knowing her, she would've probably said something about it by now. so lighten up, dude. and let her end this relationship the way she wants before fully going for it." juyeon nods slowly.

--------------------

the first date took place on september 13. his very own birthday. he ended up holding his party a few days before instead to spend it with you.  hyunjae took you out to an amusement park with little mazes in between. he bought you all your favorite snacks that you were shocked he even remembered. dropping cute comments out of nowhere. "you look so pretty." while playing with his fingers. "let me.." while tying your shoelaces. he didn't try anything too much and kept his distance with you. enough to show respect and you admired him for that. although it wouldn't be the thing that would bring you back to him. because no matter how much he looked out for you, this just wasn't it.

the second date took place on october 31. you remember the first halloween party you went together, his shih tzu welcomed you. maybe that was why but this time, he took you to a dog cafe. you were able to enjoy your favorite coffee while playing with cute samoyeds and poodles. really attentive to you, he made sure you were able to feed the puppies, play with him, and stay after hours too. you were sure that one cost a bit. but you pretended not to know as he tried to hide his payment as much as possible. you hated to admit. but he was a gentleman. well, in a way, you guess he always was. but no matter how much he paid attention to you, this just wasn't it.

the third and final date took place on november 15. he took you to a festival. one that usually sells out fast and only comes twice a year. he made sure to keep refilling tickets to allow you more games, which meant more stuffed animals. when it hit ten o'clock, the fireworks went off. you let him hug you. you understand. fireworks makes one emotional. you slowly wrap your arms around him. "i love you.." you stare at the show in the sky. "mm.. it's so pretty....." hyunjae tried not to notice you didn't say it back. but he wasn't expecting much. because no matter how much he made you feel loved, this just wasn't it.

he knew. he knew all of it. he knew that even if you still liked him.. your heart belonged to another. you just didn't know it.

--------------------

about a few weeks after the final date, hyunjae reaches out to you. saying he wanted to meet up on november 30. you don't know why he had to push it back two weeks to hear your answer. but you knew the feeling. the feeling of wanting to stop time and just love a little longer.

juyeon had barely asked you about any of the dates with you and hyunjae. and to say you were worried was an understatement. whether you noticed or not, juyeon's opinion mattered a lot to you. you thought about it. why your heart ached when he wasn't home much anymore to ask you things and why it bothered you so much to not see him in his room before going to sleep. he'd been the guy you go to. the therapist that helps you solve any situation. the dancer who helped you open up when you doubted your skill in photography. the guy that reminded you your self worth and brought you back to this world. the best friend you fell in love with.

you blinked at your realization. all this time you had thought falling in love with hyunjae was easy. maybe love wasn't supposed to be easy. maybe it was supposed to be a roller coaster. driving over to hyunjae's was now a lighter feeling than how the day started off. when hyunjae saw you parking in the driveway, he prepared himself. he took in a breath and opened the door.

"want some tea?" hyunjae offers, knowing you're not here to stay long anyway. but it was still worth a try. he told himself that he'd give it his all and he was trying. even if he knew, nothing would ever work. you shake your head and sit down on one of the chairs by his kitchen counter. "hyunjae.. i came here to say that-"

"wait," he stops you, scared. "lemme go first," when he sees you nod softly, he gulps. "look. the past three dates has been everything to me. i don't regret any of it. i'm so happy i saw you smile. i'm so happy i got to hug you. and i'm so happy i got to tell you that i love you. one last time..," he bites his quivering lip as tears rise up in his eyes. "i know what you're here to say. so i just wanted to say thank you. thanks for giving me a chance to love you again. thanks for giving me a chance to treat you the way i couldn't back then." hearing his voice crack made your heart break. you wanted to wipe his tears away but you know you shouldn't. you don't get to since you're the cause of those tears anyway.

"hyunjae..," you watch his hands shaking in his lap, slowly placing your hand in his. you feel his tears falling on your fingers, tears threatening to fall yourself. "i'm sorry i can't tell you what you want me to say. thank you for showing me the person you have become and that you will find someone better. i know that's such a bitchy thing to say. but i mean it. hyunjae.. you've grown. and i really would've liked it if this would've worked. but i'm.. i just-"

"you love juyeon," as you look up, a tear falls down your right cheek. he slowly stands up, sniffling through his tears. "you should go to him. i know he's probably wrecking his brain right now, waiting."

you let out a chuckle before wiping your own tears. "can i hug you?" you nod as you allow yourself to be engulfed in his warm embrace. hyunjae's uneven breathing didn't make any of this easier. after about a minute, you slowly pull away. "thanks hyunjae.. for everything." with a nod of agreement, you both let go and he walks you out.

"y/n...," you turn around. "at least tell me one thing.. will he treat you better?"

"mhmm.. he's the best."

"then.. that's all that matters."

as soon as you get in your car and you're on the road, your phone starts dialing. and to no surprise, you're hit with voicemail. "juyeon? i have something to say to you. i'm on my way home. please.. please be there.." you knew juyeon felt something for you. it'd be crazy if he hadn't. almost every friend of yours has asked you if you were dating him. just by the way he looks at you, treats you, and finds some way to stop you from going on blind dates; that your friends set up. you just didn't say anything because it wasn't like you could reject him and risk loosing him forever or accept him while you were still in love with another. your parked car in the driveway was nothing near straight but you honestly just wanted to get back into the house. running to the door, frustrated that you couldn't find your house keys. but when the door unlocks and you're met with just the man you wanted to see, your body just wants one thing. you immediately hug him. "i'm so sorry.. i'm so sorry for not doing something before."

"you idiot. i've been waiting for like three months. if the past two years doesn't count." you were so relieved from his words that your heart skipped two beats.

"look ju.. i don't know what to say."

"then don't say anything.. just kiss me." not even a second passes before your lips are on his. despite the ticklish feeling of his eyelashes batting against your cheek and the fact you two were still at the door, this couldn't have felt more right. you and juyeon. you should've noticed sooner. but for now, him having his hand on your back and the other on your neck was just perfect. it felt like nothing in the world could go wrong. after a while, you slowly let go. only because you were running out of breath.

"so. do i get to meet your parents now?" you chuckle at the way his mind works. "yes.. i'll arrange something," you slowly watch him close the door and walk you to the sofa. the two of you lay together, your head on his chest as he softly combs through your hair. you hum at the feeling. "at least i won't have to see my dad alone.."

"what happened? with your parents, i mean. you never told me why you're so scared to see your dad." with a sigh, you stare at your hands intertwined with his. "well.. the thing with my dad is that.. i've watched my dad fight with my mom one too many times and after moving with my mom in the divorce, i'm scared that he hates me. he's not abusive or mean or anything, actually. in fact, i love my dad. but i'm so scared that he doesn't want to see me anymore. especially after i ran when he saw me at the grocery store five years ago. i literally ran away. he hates me. i just know it.."

you watch as juyeon gives you a very judging look. "really?"

"what?"

"y/n.. what's not to like about you being his daughter? i'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding. you know what? you're gonna go see him. now." juyeon instantly starts packing some stuff in a bag and running to get the car keys that you had just threw on the ground a while ago. "wait! wait.. can you come with me then?" juyeon's grin slowly changes into a terrified facial expression.

"me? meet your father?" a few seconds later, and younghoon comes walking down the stairs. "so yall done now?" the blushing looks of both your faces was enough to make him chuckle.

"how long were you there?"

"long enough to say finally. come on. pack up. i'll drive us over to your dad's house. in fact, sunwoo texted me that he has a cold but sunwoo has to stay at work. so we're gonna go there and take care of him."

--------------------

the loud sound of your heartbeat echoed in your chest, all the way up to your ears that you could barely hear anything around you. as you waited at the doorstep of what you've been told was where your dad lived, juyeon holds your hand tightly. younghoon chuckles behind the two of you when he sees the two of your shoulders tighten at the sound of footsteps getting closer.

"who is it?," as the door opens, your eyes widen. you curse at yourself just imagining how stupid you must look. "y/n."

"dad?"

"uhh... come on in." your dad clears his throat and moves out the way. hesitant, but you enter, taking in the view of the house. when you're suddenly pulled back into a hug, who you assume was juyeon, or younghoon, was the very father you believe hated you. "dad.."

"y/n. i am so happy to see you here. i really am."

tears rose up as you wrapped your arms around him.

--------------------

10 months later and today was the day of the france dance event. you're in the crowd, cheering for lee juyeon, your boyfriend, right next to all the boys and your father sitting next to you. hearing the crowd chanting your boyfriend's name made you feel proud. you glance over at hyunjae who was obviously staring. and for once, you had the power to stop looking. not like all those years. and for once, you're looking at someone who loves you as much as you love them. you join in with your fans.

"lee juyeon! lee juyeon! lee juyeon!"

you watched as the scores to his short and free add up. his ranking going from 4th to 2nd and a point away from 1st to "lee juyeon! winner of this year’s best dance performance! congratulations!!" the last thing you remember is screaming and the place going wild.

--------------------

the after party was as good as it gets. a little bit fancier than what you and your boys are used to. but they offered chocolate ice cream, juyeon's favorite. but now that you were back home, you were able to grill steak outside and hold a little after party amongst yourselves.

once everybody left, you and juyeon find your way outside again with a bottle of wine and glasses. "juyeon.. congratulations."

"i won it for you."

"what do you mean?"

"do you remember when we first met? and you told how amazing it'd be if i won the comp event.. that you'd grant me a wish," you blink, reminiscing the moment, slowly nodding. "well, i was going to wish for you to give me a chance. but since that's already happened.." you watched as he cleared his throat and started to bend down on one knee. you gasped, seeing the box in his hands.

"oh my god. juyeon." your hands covering your mouth in shock. "y/n.. for as long as i've known you, i have spent every second liking you and loving you. i overthought every single detail. but now that it comes to this, i thought as long as i'm the one down on one knee and you're the one in front of me, where i do it, how i do it, when i do it.. it shouldn't matter. i love you, y/n. will you be the one watching me from the stands at competitions as long as i shall dance? and will you let me be the one to love you from now and forever? marry me?"

"yes.. yes! oh my.. ju yes!" the next thing you know, people surrounding you in hollers. "you guys didn't go home yet?" juyeon's confused look makes everyone laugh. "after making it that obvious you were proposing? hell no." sunwoo says.

"well.. can we have our moment before you ruin it even more?" you say as the boys crowd your romantic moment. they all start mumbling apologies, giving you two space. "anyway... where were we?" you smile as he wraps his arms around your waist.

"i believe we were about to kiss."

"i believe you said yes..”

"i sure did.. i love you."

"and i love you, my love.."

[otter1962crystalball]

The Pursuit of Happiness

June 28th, 2024

Happy 28th day if Pride. We’re almost at the end. Happiness what is that for me? How did I lose it? How did I get it back? How can I continue to be happy?

When I was really young, it was easy to be happy. I used to sing, dance, play with my imagination and found joy in everything. How did I lose it as I got older? One single word: Life.

Happiness to me means being in an emotional state showing  feelings of joy, satisfaction, fulfillment and contentment. As a child, I had all of that. Life was so simple and innocent. Life in early school was a happy time for me as well. I enjoyed everything about school and put my heart into everything right up to the end of grade 5. Then, life changed.

In grade 6 and on, I became aware of a world that didn’t seem to like exuberance and out of control joy. I can remember bigger kids putting me in my place and telling me to shut up. Why didn’t everyone else share my joy of life? It was such a difference to feel that I had to shut up and close down. Then the teasing started from other kids making fun of me and calling me fag, faggot, queer and more. It continued on into the end of middle school (grade 8 in Ontario) and continued on into high school all the way to grade 12. The bullying became worse in high school. I’ve already written about that in my blog so I won’t go into detail. Needless to say, I couldn’t find a way to be happy. I often just went through the motions so that my friends wouldn’t see the real me. I was only truly happy when I was on my own, out in the woods, birdwatching. Being in nature made me happy.

When I left home at 17, I though that I had found happiness in going to bars, having sex and staying out late. Looking back, I can tell that it was kind of a false sense of security and that I was pretending that I was happy. I lost the opportunity to be in nature a lot as well.

When HIV came along, life stopped. It wasn’t a matter of living, but surviving with the disease over my head ready to strike at a moment’s notice. Depression became the norm - especially after I split with my first partner. In place of happiness was sadness, rebelliousness, lashing out at others and feeling that all that was left was to give up. Again, I’ve written about this time of my life before in my blogs.

During that time, I began to search for happiness. One day I looked out the window and I saw a goldfinch sitting on the edge of the balcony he was in bright breeding plumage. The sight of a bird like this used to bring me such joy. At that moment, I felt nothing at all and it bothered me a lot, hence the search for happiness.

I talked to many counsellors, physiologists and friend, but the message never came to about how I could be happy again. It seemed that I had to figure it out for myself.

Don’t get me wrong, there were times of happiness, but I didn’t always feel it was like the old happiness that I felt when I was younger. During the beginning of my relationships there was happiness, but I was dependent on the other guy to make me happy.

Forward to the time of my cancer - 2019. After my operation, I had chemotherapy and it was hard. What I did find was that new friendships were happening and there was a joy in having them. I’ve written of Seann before. He awakened a joy of having a great friend. My friend, Gary did the same for me.

When COVID hit, I spent a lot of time working on myself in a self help group. There were some really great tools. You can read about it in my other blog: https://www.tumblr.com/otterenergy1962. It was the isolation and work on myself that transformed me into who I am today. During that time, I found happiness again. There was a joy in a lot of the things that I did because cancer, like HIV, had scared me into a depression.

What was the big change? Self validation instead of outside validation. I was taking care of myself. I was doing things for myself. I was dealing with being alone and didn’t feel lonely much. I had looked inside myself and saw something that I hadn’t seen before: a brave man who has been through so much and has pulled through and succeeded. I took time to speak to my inner child and told him that I would take care of him. I also found his joy and began to feel that again.

Having wonderful friends who are genuine and accept me without trying to change me makes me happy. Taking care of myself makes me happy. Having pets such as Parker, Suki and now Finn along with Karma makes me really happy. There is such a joy in Finn that I marvel at it and can feel it when he is just being happy. The other day I noticed that he loves to jump and run through the clover at the side of the walking path. It made me smile. I’m playing more with him and he loves it as much as I do. The cat is getting a lot more pets as well - which she soaks up. I’ve developed routines that allow me to find a balance between things that I need to do versus the things I want to do.

Am I happy today? Yes. I love my life and each day I wake up and live for me. Now that I am happy, there is hope that there might be someone who will join me. Until that time, I am going to have a blast on my own! I’m celebrating Pride because I have rediscovered happiness. It was there all the time; I just didn’t realize it.

Carpe diem, everyone. Be happy.

[clunelover]

I ordered one of the new iPad pros and now I won't be able to do anything until it comes. Or after it comes!! Lol.

I took C to that therapy appointment. I'd been wondering - how does one actually DO therapy on a 6-year-old, esp one who is emotionally immature for his age? I tried to ask the therapist that before starting but he misunderstood me and instead told me what stuff he'd want to try to work on. I was thinking "okay, but...HOW?" but didn't press the issue cause I figured I'd find out soon enough. Anyway, the answer is that they just played games and the therapist tried to work in some questions about emotions and things at school, with middling success (part of C's whole deal is that when he has something he wants to do, like a game, he seems to be almost incapable of hearing you if you ask him some unrelated thing, like what sort of things he talks about with the school psychologist, or to put his shoes on).

In retrospect, it's like, duh how else could you therapize a 6-year-old. And for a first meeting, it's appropriate that he'd be mostly just building rapport and trust. I don't think he's doing anything wrong. But at the same time, I was so irritated thinking, "great, so another chance for me to just watch someone play with him, while ostensibly helping him except I think they're really just playing" (like, similar to his OT). That is an uncharitable view! I think the OT does actually help him, but like....sloooowwwly. And IDK if this extra therapy will add enough additional benefit as compared to just OT, to be worth the stress of me going to get the dog from dog daycare early, dropping her at home, going to get C from after school early, and driving across town to do this therapy. Normally for something like this, I'd be taking turns with Jeremy, except he and E do taekwondo together and the therapy is at the same time as their TKD, which I forgot when I picked this appointment time except there also were not any better appointment times.

It's just all too much! And this is for a kid who barely has special needs (like, I think this is all important and worth addressing, but he is still doing awesome academically, and he has friends, so he could probably scrape by even with these big emotional outbursts and inflexibility - idk exactly what I'm getting at, I mean obviously I think he needs help or why else would I be doing this...I guess what I'm saying is, it could be so much worse in terms of amount of appointments needed and time spent! And imagine what other parents would go through, who maybe don't have flexible bullshit jobs, or who might be single parents...it would be basically impossible - this whole system is crap!)

[reikunrei]

Uhhh can I get Sfw 2 and 11 and Nsfw 1 and 4 for creelclark <3

oh boy let's see if we can figure out what my version of creelarke is like with these ghsjdfkd thank you!!!

2. Who’s the messiest? The cleanest?

i feel like they're both pretty clean but scott is much more of like. a normal level of clean. like he has some light clutter, maybe gets class test papers strewn about when he's grading, maybe accidentally lets plates stack up in the sink for a few days, but more or less, he's a pretty tidy person. like nothing is a mess, necessarily, but he's not way over the top in his organization. he's an average joe! if anything, he might be slightly more organized than your average person, what with being a teacher and having to clean up after middle schoolers, but also his hobby of making miniatures requires some level of tight organization!

henry i'm not entirely sure about! i think growing up, his household was relatively strict, and he was allowed to have a tiny bit of normal kid clutter and mess, but when his mom wanted it cleaned up, it had to be cleaned up instantly, and it couldn't be half-assed either. no shoving things under the bed or tucking it far back on a shelf, it has to be properly tidy. and then at the lab, he didn't really have anything to keep clean because... he didn't have anything. so i think when he's living with scott, he maybe doesn't entirely know how to regulate his tidiness? like, he's either 100% spotless, to the point that scott has to tell him it's okay to loosen up a bit, or a mess is created and he doesn't know how to fix it so it just gets worse and worse for a little while until he can actually break it down into baby steps. that never lasts for more than a day though. he seems like the kind of guy that, after his upbringing and his time at the lab, any sort of major clutter totally wigs him out.

11. Baths or showers? Together or separate? Any bubbles or bubble fights?

oooh this has my brain ticking a bit... my gut instinct is that they're both shower guys. they prefer showers, it's easier, it's faster, it's simply a task they're trying to complete every day, or every other day.

however, i just got incredibly giddy (and a little sad) about the idea of henry never really having the experience of indulging in a relaxing bubble bath. like, not a bath to make himself clean, but as a way to unwind and just chill for 30 minutes or until the water gets too cold and his fingers prune. scott seems like the kind of man to set aside one day a month or something where he draws a hot bath with some nice scented bubble bath and maybe lights some candles and reads a book (very karen wheeler of him, yes). so when henry divulges that he's never really done that before, scott makes a whole thing out of it, even going out to get specific bubble bath and candles that henry likes the scent of. he makes sure henry has a book to read and maybe even a little glass of wine if he feels so inclined.

i could totally see henry being unsure at first. not because he's put off by it, but because he's sort of like "and i'm just... allowed to relax in here without worrying about getting clean?" and scott's like, yessir!! in the end, henry has a great time and ends up making baths a regular thing when he's not in a rush. and i imagine he and scott have nice baths together sometimes, but they're both a little too lanky for it to be an easy thing every time :p

and i'll put the notsfw ones under the cut!!

1. How often do they have sex, if at all?

as much as i want these 40 year old men to fuck nasty all the time, i think it would be really funny if they were the kind of couple to like. schedule their sex. "not on a school night, henry!" that's not to say they don't have spontaneous sex whenever the mood hits, or get a little handsy (or mouth-y) from time to time, but it's more like they want to make a moment out of it, to make sure they have time to do whatever they want, so they set aside hours to be able to do it without being cut short or rushed. in the end, i think they're relatively intimate with one another. like, several times a week, but a decent session of love-making is always marked off on the calendar first.

4. Oddest place they’d have sex?

the first place that jumped to mind is in scott's garage where his little miniature set is LMAO. putting on quite the show for all the little soldiers!! the first time it happens, scott's a little nervous about it because he doesn't want to break anything and certainly doesn't want to end up making a mess, but ultimately he finds it quite endearing when henry corners him in there and asks for a handy

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. What is something in your life that you feel hopeful about right now? Well, I finally tried edibles to see if it helps my anxiety at all, as well as my insomnia, appetite, and pain. I’ve had horrible anxiety, more so than ever, this past year and the medications my doctor would allow weren’t working. I was feeling really hopeless and scared. The only thing that did seem to help was my pain med, which of course isn’t its intended purpose but I was taking it for that as well, which wasn’t good. I finally decided to give edibles a try with the hope of course of it actually helping me and to also take less pills. 

2. What was the last thing you worried about that turned out better than expected? Well, I’ve been trying this new regimen for the past week now and figuring out the right dosages and how many a day and  so far it is working. I have definitely cut back on the pills, which is really good. 

3. Name somewhere you are planning on visiting in the near future? I sadly have no travel plans. I’m hoping perhaps my new “medication” will help me feel motivated and have the desire to want to get up out of bed more and perhaps at least take a drive to the beach and park as close as we can so I can enjoy it from the car. I’d take that over nothing right now. I really miss the beach. :( Like I said, though, I’m still playing around with the correct amount and what type I take for what. I need a mood lifter kind. While it has helped some of my issues, it also makes me really tired and have zero energy which is not helpful if I want to go somewhere.

4. How often do you go grocery shopping and how much food do you usually get in one go? My mom goes twice a month for our big grocery trips. We get a lot of stuff.

5. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? I have cream of wheat for breakfast, Taco Bell at least 4-5 times a week, and I have a sandwich for lunch just about everyday. I have pizza fairly often, too. It’s so wild how my appetite has changed since being home from the hospital because prior to I ate a lot of chicken, particularly chicken wings. I had that all the time before and now it’s rare for me to get chicken wings or chicken strips. I don’t know why.

6. When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? That’s kinda just how I am for the most part. I’d like to speak up to a couple people, but I just want to cause any drama or hurt anyone’s feelings. I just imagine the conversation going completely wrong and everything getting twisted. I won’t be able to say what I want to say in the right way. I’m getting hurt, too, but it’s best I just don’t say anything.

7. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? I don’t recall.

8. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? I don’t have any friends.

9. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else's dreams? I always have random people pop up in my dreams for some reason. Like people I know, but I’m talking like for example this kid I went to elementary and middle school with. We weren’t friends, but acquaintances. I didn’t have a crush on him or anything either. Sooo, I really have no idea why he’s the one to pop up on my dreams randomly. 

10. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? I sometimes wish I could talk to Ty again and tell him some things, but I guess at this point it really doesn’t matter.

11. Instead of flat earth, what do you think of the simulated earth theory, that we're basically all just a giant computer program or virtual reality? Nah.

12. What worries you most about your future? I’m truly afraid of getting worse or never getting much better. I’m afraid of living a life mainly stuck in bed or at home. I’m afraid I won’t be able to travel again or go places. My future terrifies me.

13. What is something you do to feel better when you're scared? I have to just try to distract myself somehow. 14. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? My mom, 100%. I know I always can.

15. What makes you trust someone? When was the last time someone broke your trust? It’s usually just unless I have a reason or feeling that I shouldn’t. You just kind of vibe with someone and gauge how comfortable you feel and how much you want to share. 

16. When was the last time you shared a secret with someone, and how did they react? I don’t recall. 

17. Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? I used to be the one friends came to for advice all the time, but I’m certainly in no place to be giving advice to anyone right now. I also don’t ask for it generally. Very rarely. I keep a lot of shit to myself. 

18. When was the last time you felt totally lost, figuratively speaking? How about literally? >> I constantly feel lost, figuratively speaking. I almost never feel lost, literally speaking. <<<

19. In what ways are you emotionally strong? In what ways are you emotionally weak? I feel extremely weak emotionally. And physically.

20. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? One of them that randomly came to mind is “The Giver.”

21. Do you prefer to watch movies or tv alone or with other people? Is there anything you refuse to watch alone? I much prefer watching with others. My mom, brother, and I have several shows we watch together. I find it fun to have someone to react and obsess with. 

22. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? I don’t recall.

23. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? My favorite number since I was a kid has been 8. That number comes up a lot in my life, too. The number 9 does as well. I don’t know what it means, if anything, but it’s interesting. 

24. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? No.

25. What do you get complimented on the most? Ha, nothing anymore. I’m a mess. 

26. What is something unusual that you find attractive? I find hands attractive, but I think that’s not so unusual or uncommon. I can’t think of anything that would be “unusual.”

27. What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? I tend to eat around 11 or 12PM and my last meal around 8. 

28. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I’m watching a YouTuber that does a lot of videos on abandoned places and companies that went bankrupt and/or closed down. The one I’m watching now is about Bed, Bath, & Beyond. 

29. When was the last time you traveled out of town, and where to? Over a year ago to the beach. 

30. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? I don’t know, man.

[alaska386]

F!Bsd anime watcher in the bsd world… pt 2/?

Brief information for the F!bsd anime watcher(I’ll name her Victoria cuz I say so):

-Name: Victoria [last name I’ll just type ‘XXX’ in the introduction time(s)]

-Gender: Female, Pronouns: She/Her

-Age: 14 years old (idk how to write thoughts, behaviour, moods, goals that are ‘mature’ like adults’ ones cuz idk what they think so I set her as a teenager for myself to write this thing easier)

-Sexuality: Bisexual

-Nationality: Chinese(I don’t wanna accidentally write some racist stuff if I say American or British or whatsoever)

-Languages she knows/understands/speaks: Chinese/Mandarin/Putonghua(Don’t worry I won’t make her speak Chinese in the story-), fluent English

-Likes: Music(Classical, Relaxing ones are her preferences), Anime and Mangas(not patient enough to read a full series without skipping some chapters, just like me fr), desserts and snacks, nature sceneries, rainy days(the louder the rain the better), knives, comfy clothes, psychology

-Dislikes: Dogs, pain, school, homework, studying, bitter pills, loud people and noises

-Hobbies: drawing on a paper and in a drawing app, singing, family stuff, *being read like an open book*

-Appearance: dark brown hair and eyes, around Kenji’s height

-Main bsd kins: Dazai, Ryunosuke, Kyouka, Sigma(always in the middle of some arguments and shits)

-Birthday: 1/4/20XX

-Personality: Has social anxiety, rather quiet, sometimes can’t express herself fluently but tries to and tries to hide the things she thinks she should. Thinks quite negatively, does not fully show it as well, gets nervous easily but doesn’t show it often as well(which Ranpo, Dazai and some other smart/manipulative characters can definitely realise/see through)

-Extra: she trusts fate but not luck

Btw her character settings some are actually based off mine cuz I figure that it’ll be easier to write this if I imagine her as myself and I’ve imagined myself in the bsd word many times.

Summary of the last chapter: Victoria, a normal quiet student studying in a religious school suddenly got teleported to the bungou stray dogs world during a break before another class was starting, she figured out where she was and also the fact that finding police cannot do anything but make things worse cause it’s basically wasting time. And by luck and fate, she arrived the armed detective agency. Well… what timeline was it? What was happening in the agency? Let’s find out!

???’s pov

As the knocking was heard, the room got complete silent until Atsushi panicked, I told Atsushi to be quiet by putting a finger on my lips.

Who’s there behind the door? A new case suddenly? No. Ranpo san didn’t expect this too. By the sound of the knocking, she or he is not someone I know, any of the agency members know, definitely not.

The rat will not suddenly change his plans as well, I know him.

???’s pov(I’m not following the cannon plot 100% cuz I can)

A knocking? I expected that there’ll no cases during this period of time, I’m sure Dazai’s not aware of this unexpected ‘visitor’ as well.

Let this visitor to join the agency entrance exam hm? Alright then Dazai, I’m not taking any responsibilities though. And you owe me one :))🍭

No one’s pov

The black haired man looks at the brunette for a second, the brunette looks back at the white haired, distracting him from the ‘visitor’ who’s behind the door, hinting the other agency members to focus back on the current situation, which they trust Ranpo to handle it so they continued.

The black haired detective opens the door and gives the child behind the door a look, for some unknown reason his senses and brain are telling him that he should push her inside.

Victoria’s pov(just someone being so damn nervous around Dazai and Ranpo-)

Ranpo… I’m so glad he’s not with the port mafia in this au. No, don’t think anything right now.

I look back up at him, since he’s taller. I do not take a peak inside cause I don’t want him to know anything about myself as much as possible. But by judging how quiet— No. Stop. Thinking.

I blink. What?- Why did he pull me inside- Atsu— I see some people in the room, a white haired male’s having some newspapers on his hands and is saying something random nervously and anxiously… What’s going on..?(deep inside she knows) I see there’s someone with orange hair holding a remote of… a bomb?.. I look back at the person who pulled me inside the agency, which he just gives a ‘do what you want’.

Is he testing me…? Whatever, this is my chance to get into the agency and get a chance to understand whatever the fuck is going on with me. From now on, don’t forget that you’re just trying to communicate with someone and understand what’s going on with yourself and how you got here Victoria, remember that, always. No, am I supposed to panic…? What does a normal teenage think and do in this kind of situation- Ran— No, quit thinking, it’ll just get worse. Help—

I frown, I guess I really cannot do this after-all.

…

I take a deep breath. Right, all I have to be is a victim in this situation, to survive, my goal is to ‘survive’ from the bomber, I do not know anything. I’m sure I’ll get used to doing this soon enough… Ranpo and Dazai definitely know that I’m not someone from this city, nor a normal person here, but I need to do this, it’s still necessary hinting them that I’m not comfortable in telling them the whole truth no matter what they do, ‘yet’.(?)

I run towards Da— the brunette near me and hug him. It’s not like teenagers who see a bomb is in front of them won’t be nervous. Whatever I do, there’ll be bunch of chaos, anyway.

???’s pov

Oh? I blink twice, half focusing on how Atsushi kun’s doing and half on the child who hugged me. School uniform, a student. Those ones don’t look like Japanese or Russian’s ones though.

*Beep Beep*

Five seconds. Seems like it all still worked out without me! Well-

I put the child there sitting on the ground and catch Naomi, great acting.

???’s pov

I pushed the hostage to Dazai san and covered the bomb with my own body, closing my eyes tightly.

“YOU FOOL!” I could hear Dazai.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Victoria’s pov

Episode two, great, my only communication method for now is to let people(especially Ranpo) read my mind, fuck.

I stare at nothingness, nearly is daydreaming cause when I’m back to my senses Fukuzawa already approved Atsushi and Ranpo and the other agency members are in front of me. Yosano asks if I’m injured, I shake my head and she seems to be slightly disappointed, she walks away and lets the others deal with me since I’ve only been staring at Ranpo. My eyes widen slightly as I realise something.

Wait a second. How did I understand Yosano? They’re all speaking in Japanese, that’s for sure then how am I-?

“Em, I’m actually kinda lost here..” I take a deep breath(introverted thingy ya know) and start speaking. *Japanese, what the fuck.* “I suddenly got teleported to this city earlier when I was in a break before the next class was starti—” My sentence was interrupted by the brunette, he waves at the old man.

“Presidenttttttt! Since you’ve already accepted Atsushi kun then I don’t think you mind accepting another one rightttttt?~” The brunette’s smirking and the person with a notebook smacks him. “Dazai what do you think you’re doing???”

I’m nervous, very fucking nervous. Of course Dazai can see through me, it’s just time, then the truth will be revealed, they’ll know everything, everything. Fuck. Fuck everything.

I try to stay as much as possible while keeping myself from thinking negative things but I’m pretty sure I cannot control my damn heart beats and emotions, why am I so emotiona— Stop. Stop. Quiet. Think. Stay calm, Victoria.

It’s Dazai, if he says it in this kind of situation he means it, and he definitely has or will have a way to achieve that goal, no, his first goal is to know who I am, where I came from, if I’m a spy and anything, these… are not really the things I’m concerned about. Mix all the information I’ve had, the fact that I can understand and speak in Japanese right now which I wasn’t able to understand anything the people on the road said on my way walking to the ada, the timeline right now is definitely episode 2, Sushi’s(someone likes making nicknames) entrance exam before getting into the ada, people’s first impressions of me, like Yosano, she wasn’t suspicious of me yet(in her observation); Ranpo, definitely a pain, he’s always a pain; Atsushi, Dazai distracted him and he’s quite lost in thinking about what just happened and is still being distracted by Tanizaki and Naomi, which they both aren’t paying too much attention on me, they all three aren’t; Fukuzawa, he’ll definitely interrogate me if nothing special happens later on, which I hope it’ll happen cause he’s not too hard to deal with since I’m pretty sure he’ll understand me as a victim, but I still need to get his trust in the future though; Kunikida, I just need to get Fukuzawa to let me be in the agency completely(is she not planning to leave this world or something…??) then he’ll trust me; Dazai Osamu, oh fuck, imagine not understanding your own fucking kinnie.

…

Dazai Osamu, he’ll try to understand my goal of all my past decisions of why I came here(the agency), how I knew about them and the agency, why I was shocked after Yosano spoke to me, why I hugged him, if I have any other goals, literally everything about me, he’ll try to get my trust for sure.

Victoria, your goal is to get help from the detectives, to understand your situation, it’s the first step, stop being a coward and do it, you’re in the best possible situation right now except for fearing for your life. I need to make them believe that my goal is simply to know how I got here, I know nothing, my goal is to get out, to leave, but the problem is that since they think I’m a normal person from another place, they’ll not tell me the details about what they know, and if I ask them purposely about it then they might get suspicious, fuck… whatever, I need to deceive them— no… it’s gonna cause more trouble for yourse— get their trust done first.

The main thing is, since my goal to be here is NOT the same as the goal that I’m trying to make them believe in I have, they’ll find it out in the future, the truth will be revealed, and I might fall apart, my mental health might break again. They’ll know. They know *everything*. And me existing here is already changing what’s happening in the cannon plot, unexpected events are most likely to happen in the future as well.

But does that matter? I’ve been wanting to be in the bungou stray dogs world for a long…time. That means I might change shits, really really many shits. It’s a desire. Desire, by having that, I’m already Fyodor’s another target, since, I’m a *sinner*, I know that.

I close my eyes and take another deep breath.

I need to be prepared for any possible events that may happen in the future to decrease the chances of getting killed, increase the chances of surviving. Then I can make my next step later.

*My goal is that, right now.*

Okay chapter 2 ends now!~ Hope y’all like it-

Also do y’all think Victoria overthinks too much or she’s that type of kid that thinks she’s dumb but is actually smart?

[eastsidelovers]

yours truly

dear s,

i find it is so much easier to live when i “separate the art from the artist”. in this case, i imagine your kind loving words have taken the form of some anonymous, generic body, living in some anonymous, generic location, maybe with no face or anything like that. maybe you—

dear s,

don’t mind the blood stained seat, i slit my wrists so much the other night, i wanted to kill myself. i should donate this car to a forensics lab. cause of death: blood loss and chronic numbness. thank god leather is easy to clean. i told him about this. i don’t know why. i was dying to tell someone, like a sick victory. and he proceeded with caution, i could feel his concerned, almost disgusted look on his face, through the text. like maybe he could be angry.

“i’m sorry, i really shouldn’t have done this,”

“i would rather you talk to me and tell me the truth and make things a lil harder for me than for you to not say anything at all and i have no clue how you are”

how could someone genuinely care about me so much? i don’t trust this. feels like a joke, a game, something that will end in fighting and tears because that’s all i know how to do.

and dear s, the other day i cried in my car and i asked you to grab my stuff and bring it to me, and you did. and you stayed with me until you knew i was going to be okay. but i couldn’t stop hyperventilating, shaking, sobbing, it wasn’t a panic attack. i broke down crying in front of these three grown men. i don’t remember what any of them were saying, i don’t remember why everything ended the way it did, i just knew i was upset, and i don’t even remember being upset. but i felt pathetic collecting myself in front of them, so i made myself cry, but soon i couldn’t help it, and that’s maybe when i started panicking. when the shaking wasn’t voluntary, when the erratic breathing wasn’t a joke, something like that.

dear s,

i’ve recently started to realize my childhood wasn’t as golden as i originally thought. i didn’t think anything was wrong until my mother started to profusely apologize for being a terrible parental figure to me, for the awful things she did to me as a kid. and i didn’t get it until i tried to convince her otherwise, until she told me i hide my emotions, until i was on the verge of tears, screaming at her in a parking lot.

“you know the reason i hide my emotions? because when i was a kid, you’d scream at me and hit me if i cried! and you only got worse if i cried harder, and i’d cry harder because you kept hurting me. you know how many migraines i’ve had because you’d hit my head so much? you know half the scars on my arms are because of your own hands? so i cry silently, and i know how to zone out when you scream at me so i don’t cry, but sometimes you think i’m smirking, and you end up hurting me anyways. i walk on eggshells around you because i don’t want to get hurt”

quietly, she tells me, “see, i did mess you up.”

i don’t know what came over me but its all starting to make sense.

she tells me stories of how her father treated her as a kid, somewhat similar to my experiences as a kid. she tells me she was diagnosed with ptsd, but didn’t know why. and it wasn’t until i was in middle school that she started to understand it. by then it was too late to change the damage that was already done.

dear s,

i almost checked myself into a hospital. but what would they do? give me more meds, a slap on the wrist, and send me on my merry way?

“this has nothing to do with you,” you tell me, but i can’t help but feel that this is all my doing.

but hey, maybe we’ve changed so much we wouldn’t recognize each other if we saw each other again. nothing so special about “us”.

yours truly,

леви

[bohemianwriter]

What brings this up is tonight my daughter is coughing. I have woken up almost every time. I came in once to check on her and a second time to lay with her. No one should be left alone when they are sick or scared. The trauma of not having my needs met in any way. Screaming at Aris age for my mom who never came. They ignored me! How could you?! How dare you! Ignoring a crying child. For your own benefit? Amusement?

It’s hard to rewrite everything you know or have seen and to show up like the parent I always wanted to have. How can I do this without a role model? I just know. I feel it. Our bond and our connection I have to go to her. It’s not a choice. To think how badly I was nurtured is a hard pill to swallow. Not only was I not supported but expected to support my parents and perform 110%. At 7.

I got a playroom with dozens of toys but no one to play with. I had to sneak around my father who was a complete brute. My mother was unstable at best. I never knew which mom I would get. The loving one or the triggered one. It was almost like well my baby died and this one will never live up. I even named her after the dead baby. Great. What in the fucking projection shit is that? My dad only did it to keep my mom around. I always felt “tolerated” not loved. The support I got was to make them look good. The adopted daughter that look turned out so successful. We saved her. No you didn’t. I might have been better off in an orphanage. At least I might have had support from the other orphans and friends. That’s how I always saw Oliver Twist or the Little princess and I’d dream and pray for the day my REAL mom would show up and take me away from this torturous place. She would scoop me up and take me to her beautiful home. I’m loved and wanted. I have smart siblings who love to laugh as much as me. It’s hard to live in reality when you’ve been fantasizing your whole life. I could never imagine my daughter feeling that way. And eventually probably around the time I started skating, I had given up the idea. So for about 10 years we just fought. I knew I wasn’t being treated right and became my own parent and best friend. This was especially true in middle school. A time when kids need the most support my parents turned their back on me. They should have never made me stay there for more than a year seeing how unhappy I am. If Ari came home crying from school every day I’d have meetings with her teachers and principal. I’d switch her schools immediately or let her be homeschooled. There is nothing to be learned in an environment like that except survival. And my mom kept me looking ugly. She liked it. She was always envious of my weight so instead of fattening me up she starved me. Literally. The saddest part. I never got to do fun things. I remember one spring break they told me we’d do stuff every day I’d wait at the office all day and then after I fixed and ate my own lunch alone I figured out we were going and that happened the entire break. I didnt get my birthday celebrated. And then after that the next year I didn’t even ask to do anything. This disappointing feeling was worse. It meant I still had hope these people I’m stuck with would take a genuine interest. Then when I started skating and saw the cost and how they were not going to support me regardless of my passion and talents. Pretty sure my dad only went to the competitions to spy on young girls. Not even joking. It was intuition. And a feeling that I still remember to this day. A pervert or predator it doesn’t matter. It was wrong. He never took me to class. Never asked my coach how to train. He didn’t help except financially but sometimes it felt like they threw money at me so they didn’t have to deal with me.

[theveryworstthing]

So over on patreon Trevor asked for my take on the Addams Family and I grew up LOVING the Addams family movies so here we are. Instead of doing a straight up style interpretation, I decided to do a full on design challenge, using the characters as bases to make a black southern gothic Addams au. I actually drew the kids first, using the character bases of Wednesday and Pugsley to create some delightful kiddos I'm calling Sunday and Blanche. I of course then redesigned Gomez and Morticia into Carlisle and Mortesha.

The Addams have a very specific high aristocratic goth aesthetic (they've got a butler and nobody really works among other things) so in this re-imagining I wanted to go with vibes that run a little more middle class/upper middle class.  I thought it would be interesting to think about what would be considered weird and off-putting in an entirely different culture, and how being a big ol' goth is way less controversial than it used to be.

I tried to keep this short (HAHAHAHAHAHA) so I didn't spin off into an essay about villain coded families, black people in the horror genre, and normalcy as it pertains to social survival, but just...bits of that are in these designs and lore. Keep that in mind.

Also I made the kids twins because they've flip flopped in age so much in different media and also twins run in my family (i'm the daughter of one). And let's face it, I'm pulling a lot of their southern gothic traits from living as a southern goth so *shrug*.

10 thousand pounds of lore incoming loooooooooool.

The Parents

From the moment he saw her he knew that there was a 50/50 chance of him either never making it out of that swamp alive or marrying the figure that was creeping out from under the distant willow tree in a black cocktail dress. The third time she found him trussed up in one of her traps, he complimented her rope work and asked if she'd like to go out sometime after his head wound stopped bleeding.

Or while it was still bleeding.

If she was into that.

Some kids and a mysteriously burnt down Piggly Wiggly later, their love is still as strong and inescapable as a bear trap in a sink hole.

Carlisle Guillermo (now Addams through marriage but I wanted to give him two first names for a name since Gomez has two last names) makes a vaguely described living practicing ‘law’ around town. A loophole king, people come to him from miles around with contracts signed in blood, fights over chunks of hair buried in their rivals’ yard, dehydrated primate hands, memories that seemed like dreams until the evidence of their happenings became too real, and other regular Legal Items asking for counsel which he is all too happy to give. For a price. Sometimes that price is a homemade pie and sometimes it’s a million dollars, depends on who you are. Whatever you’re asked to pay it’s worth that price, and if you try to scam him out of work or he just plain doesn’t like you? Well. He knows how to twist a contract better than anything at the crossroads.

And he always gets his due.

He doesn’t just serve the local (living)humans though, there are many things that need proper legal representation in this day and age. You wouldn’t believe how many city councils try to build on sacred burial grounds even after he lets them know that his ghostly clients are totally gonna haunt the FUCK out of the ensuing shitty condos and curse their families for all eternity. At least 50% of his energy goes towards dealing with real estate bullshit.

Carl is an excitable and good natured(?) man who loves his family, cigars, dancing, and his many knife-based hobbies. People find him very charming once they get past the feeling that they’re talking to a sultry gator badly disguising itself as a human. I didn’t put a ton of deep thought into designing him, mostly I wanted to make a middle aged dude who looked like he would have been voted ‘most likely to smooch the literal devil’ in high school. Tbh he probably has, but no demonic ex’s can compare to his lovely wife~

Mortesha Addams(her name was already perfect so I just tweaked it)is a woman of many talents. A self proclaimed homemaker, she prides herself on a greenhouse full of Concerning Foliage, a beautiful wasp apiary, and a coop full of what are probably chickens that she keeps for what are probably eggs. She’s also an avid creator of the outsider art that can be seen around the estate. She has taken on the family business of selling her homemade goods in a little stall by the road just outside the swamp with her mom, and makes pretty good money doing so. A surprising amount of poison gets bought in quaint southern towns.

Speaking of poison, people who come out to the edge of the swamp to buy it are usually carrying a lot of secrets around, and Mortesha knows most of them. It’s not like she pries the truth out of people, it just so happens that many nervous hellos eventually turn into the tragic backstory power hour if she’s alone with a client for long enough. She supposes that’s just how people are. Despite the fact that the Addams are very active in the community (whether the community likes it or not) she especially, as a direct descendant of the first Addams matriarch, is seen as…Well not an outsider because the community feels A Certain Way about outsiders and despite it all the Addams are their people, but maybe something like an exception. They feel like whatever weirdness they’re hiding can’t be weirder than any given Addams, so they get a little loose with their words.

This is amusing to her, since Addams’ don’t naturally keep the kind dramatic secrets that their surface level prim and proper neighbors do. It’s much more fun to openly talk about those things.

Do they have a sadly decrepit yet terrifying grandma up in the attic? Yeah, like three. They got a tv, all the creepy porcelain dolls they could want, and they’re close to family. Where do you keep your gram-grams?

Any bodies buried on the property? Yeah some, but most are thrown to the gators.

Any creeping through the balmy summer night with ill intentions? Yeah dude, everyone loves a nice family stroll.

What about dangerous forbidden love? If an adult Addams isn’t incorporeal then they’re either queer or in a torrid romance with some person/thing mysteriously drawn to that awful swamp. Sometimes both at the same time. Most times actually.

Mortesha would know.

The current head of the Addams family is just as outgoing as her husband but a lot quieter and harder to read. She never really seems to get mad about much and always has a genteel smile for everyone whether they deserve it or not. A seven foot tall human shaped “Oh, bless your heart”. A perfectly composed Lady even when she’s, oh I dunno, burning down a Piggly Wiggly. You know. A regular southern mom. Chat her up at the hair salon for 50% off a jar of wasp honey with your next purchase of a mysterious but foreboding packet of herbs.

Designing her was pretty easy because I just drew a lankier Grace Jones and called it a day. I had some problems with her outfit simply because if we were going HARD southern gothic then she’d probably be wearing a white/cream dress with a fuller skirt but I thought keeping the silhouette and the black was more important. She’s supposed to be an anti southern gothic southern gothic character anyway. A woman who looks like she has a million secrets who is actually the most open person you could meet. For better or worse. The red hair came from a coloring error that I really ended up liking (my mom had red hair her whole childhood that only darkened up in high school so I can buy that an Addams can be naturally fire engine red) and the veil was to get more of that classic Morticia silhouette in there.

The Children

Sunday and Blanche are the twin children of Carlisle and Mortesha Addams. Some say the Addams clan got their cursed homestead when a wealthy local businessman made a deal with the devil and lost, leaving his grand mansion to his least favorite maid and cutting his losses once he realized that the swamp would do everything it could to drag the house into the water and take what was owed with its horrible curse. Others say that the family has just always squatted there and no one really cares because man, fuck that particular swamp. Have you been in there? Absolute horror show.

Anyway.

Blanche is the more outgoing sibling and quite the engineer/mad scientist in the making. He started going grey at 2 weeks old but considering he was also rocking some extra fingers, toes, and a tiny tail (he takes after his dad), his parents just put it on the 'not life threatening' pile and decided not to worry about it. He's the kind of smart that teachers find utterly infuriating, less a dog eagerly learning and obeying commands and more a hyena who keeps teaching itself how to pick locks. He has a few friends in his school's robotics club (which they honestly allowed him to make so the school could contain his... creations) but mostly hangs out with his sister exploring the swamp. They find all sorts of neat things in there! wedding rings, suspiciously lumpy garbage bags, cloaked cultists who can't read private property signs, it's an adventure every day!

Blanche is all about experimentation with his creations, his look, and his tether to this mortal coil. Is lipstick a cool thing to try? Let's find out. Can he get out of a strait jacket fast enough after being pushed into the depths of the swamp by his sister? let's find out. He's not dead yet and confused local doctors can attest to the fact that he's rarely attained more than a bad bruise so he's pretty set on continuing to kiss rattlesnakes on their cute little heads and have his sister practice her knife throwing at him until that fact changes.

Blanche is very much a country goth. Cowboy boots (customized by his mom), knife, and lighter are daily accessories. He likes to wear the crusty swamp jewelry they find (the rust adds a splash of color!) and despite appearances he does try to keep himself neat. He's just got  natural Grunge Colors and a tendency to wear clothes he likes until they fall apart. Pugsley always seemed the most modernly styled to me (which might just be because little boys clothes have been the same for a long time) so I wanted Blanche to be the most purposely fashionable Addams. Everyone else is goth by nature, but he's the only one truly familiar with goth as an alternative fashion.

I got really into designing Blanche because honestly, I find Pugsley to be the most boring member of the family. And he was hard to design! I had to mess with his vibe a lot to get him looking how I wanted. I know he's supposed to evoke an " 'evil' little boy next door who's parents never reign him in", but that's just goth Dennis The Menace.  I's 2020. We can at least go queer goth Calvin.

Sunday was much easier to design. Wednesday was my favorite as a child (of course) and I really wanted to keep the spirit of her look while adding things like billowy sleeves (it gets HOT down here), big poofy twists instead of braids, and a nice tie. She's a professional after all, been running the local pet cemetery since she was 6 and the previous groundskeeper met with an unfortunate accident after telling her that tarantulas don't have souls. Her specialty is creating beautiful naturalistic animal funerals similar to those that Maquenda (https://linktr.ee/artofmaquenda) makes, and she takes pride in creating miniature dioramas of her subjects after each burial which she uses as a kind of 3D catalog for future clients.

She really wants to try out her skills on humans one day. Well. Publicly try out her skills. Lotta random bodies float into the swamp. None of them have turned down her requests for diorama models so far. Most seem downright flattered. Plus, she usually figures out which graveyard/crime scene they floated over from and gets her parents to give them a lift back. She'll even help enact terrifying revenge from beyond the grave on whoever put them there if she's not, y'know, busy.

Besides arts, crafts, and pet based funerary arrangements, Sunday is an avid lover of archery (any ranged weapon really), books where little fantasy adventure animals die dramatic deaths, and history. She is That Kid who eagerly raises her hand when asked who Christopher Columbus was and ends up being sent out of class after 15 minutes for making 'a scene'. Her favorite party trick is just picking an item in the room and talking about how it relates to either some obscure historical figure with a buck wild life or a horrible disaster. At least one charity pancake breakfast ended with children in tears after her vivid description of the Great Molasses Flood of 1919.

Social-wise, while Wednesday is the girl that people ask to smile because they think she'd, "look so pretty", Sunday is rarely asked anything at all. People just kind of assume from her quiet nature (in between horrible history facts) that she's angry all the time and that she hates everyone. This is untrue. She hates some people but she's ambivalent to most everyone else and even downright friendly if you bother to talk to her like a person instead of a terrifying cryptid. Like, she IS a terrifying cryptid but she's also a little girl.  

That’s about it for now. One day I might do the other family members but for now I’m happy with the four I’ve redesigned. Making an au! Lurch in a family that doesn’t do butlers could be interesting. Over on patreon I put forth that he could just be Motesha’s mute little brother (similar bone structure) but Amy Crook had the nice idea of quote: “ a mysterious "cousin" that "helps around the house" whose origins are both long in the past and faintly unsettling. He's good for lifting heavy things, like that tank of propane you're about to throw into the burning Piggly Wiggly... “ which i now consider canon. Who's kid is he? How old is he? Not important. Anyone willing to commit arson with you is family.

Annnnyway.  This challenge was a lot of fun! I love indulging in AU’s.