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stylesispunk · 4 months ago

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Silent strain | part vi

Outbreak!joel miller x f!reader

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summary: Your relationship with Joel is in a thin line, some truths are confessed, some words are thrown but you're there for each other at the end.

w.c: 13,3k

warnings: angst, reader feels insecure, mentions of depression, fluff, not proofreading. Paragraphs in bold indicate flashbacks. Not the best chapter.

a/n: This chapter is not intense, not my best but it is emotional and we can see reader struggling with her emotions (because hormones and sadness) I think this chapter feels like a filler. It is a filler chapter, sorry. I wrote it in a rush. HOWEVER, at the same time, it ends the tension between Joel and reader. New things will happen, and yes, Paul will have what he deserves. Reblogs and comments are always appreciated. Happy reading.

dividers by @/saradika-graphics

There was something strange in the way Joel’s presence since he had come back.

You knew something happened out there. You could see it in his brown eyes, there was something behind the spark, perhaps a lie surfing beneath just for you not to catch a glimpse of it.

The way Ellie had closed herself off wasn’t something you had expected either.

It was a complicated mix, one that stirred a knot of unease in your stomach. You could sense the tension hanging in the air like a storm cloud waiting to burst. The moments you’d shared as a family felt overshadowed by something unspoken, a weight that pressed heavily on both Joel and Ellie.

At first, you had brushed it off as a natural adjustment period, after all, Joel had been gone for so long, and Ellie was grappling with her own feelings about what may had happened out there. But the more the days passed, the more you realized it ran deeper than that.

You found yourself stealing glances at Joel when he thought you weren’t looking, trying to decipher what lay behind his guarded demeanor. There were times when his smile would falter, a flicker of pain crossing his face before he masked it with a joke or a playful jab. And when he looked at Ellie, you could see a flicker of something darker, a shadow of guilt that crept in when he thought no one would notice.

He looked at her with the adoration a father should look at her daughter, but with the guilt of failing her.

And he looked at Rosie with hurt.

You couldn’t help but feel like the two of you were ghosts haunting him, memories of what he had lost and what he was trying so desperately to hold onto. The laughter and giggles you shared with Rosie should have brought him joy, but instead, they seemed to amplify the shadows lurking behind his eyes. It hurt to witness the internal struggle, the love he had for his daughter and the sorrow of knowing he had failed to protect her before she was even born.

You knew he felt guilty since the other night when that stupid flicker of doubt crept upon him, but you had you brushed it off for his sake, and for your own. You thought things would be better then. You had been together again; he had made love to you but you felt useless.

There was a distance that was never there before and it crumbled you.

It had been two weeks.

And it hurt.

Looking at Joel hurt.

Talking to Ellie hurt

An even looking at your daughter hurt.

The things between him and Ellie had shifted, leaving you feeling increasingly isolated. You noticed how Joel and Ellie seemed to retreat into their own world, while you stood on the outside, watching them from a distance. You tried to push through it, but even looking at Rosie had begun to hurt, every cry and fuss reminding you of how Paul’s words had lingered, twisting your mind, making you doubt yourself. Maybe Joel and Ellie were pulling away because they saw something in you, something broken, something not enough.

You weren’t the family you had become during those months you spent outside. Not the one you dreamt of it.

you prepared dinner for the three of you. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but you wanted to create a sense of normalcy, to find a connection again. As the minutes ticked by, the food grew cold on the table, and neither Joel nor Ellie showed up. Rosie started to cry, her wails sharp and insistent. You tried to feed her, but she refused, turning her head away. Frustration bubbled up inside you, and soon it felt like too much. You couldn’t calm her, and the weight of everything came crashing down.

Tears blurred your vision as you desperately tried to soothe Rosie, but nothing worked. You began to cry yourself, feeling utterly defeated when Joel finally walked in, his footsteps heavy with the weight of the day.

“What’s wrong with her?” Joel asked, his voice tinged with concern but also an edge of impatience.

You could barely look at him through your tears. “I don’t know,” you choked out. “She doesn’t want to leech… I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Joel stepped closer; his face drawn into a tight expression. “Give her to me,” he said firmly, reaching out. “You’re going to stress her out.”

The words hit you like a slap. You froze, staring at him in disbelief. “You’ve known her for two weeks, Joel,” you said, your voice trembling with hurt. “You don’t know what she wants.”

Joel’s face darkened, a flash of irritation crossing his features. “I know better,” he shot back, his tone almost dismissive. “I’ve been a father before. I know what a baby needs.”

The implication that you didn’t know what you were doing as a mother stung so deeply that it left you momentarily speechless. Your hands shook as you handed Rosie over to him, the words you wanted to say lodged painfully in your throat. As he took her, your gaze shifted to the table, the cold food sitting there, untouched. You had tried so hard to make something work tonight, to find a way to bridge the growing distance, but now it felt like all your efforts were in vain.

Joel glanced at the table, his eyes landing on the uneaten meal, and you saw the realization hit him. His face softened, his anger dissipating as the weight of what just happened sank in. “I—” he started, trying to find the words, but you couldn’t listen. You couldn’t stand the sight of him trying to fix something he didn’t understand.

You walked back into the house, your feet heavy with exhaustion, both physical and emotional. You could hear Joel calling after you, his voice soft but filled with so much urgency. “Wait,” he pleaded, but you didn’t stop.

You couldn’t.

The weight of everything he’d said crushed you. It wasn’t just about this moment; it was days of him being distant, of feeling like you were carrying it all alone. You had done it for so long, and now, with him back, it felt like nothing had changed.

You reached the bedroom, stepping inside before turning and quietly closing the door. With trembling hands, you locked it. The soft click of the lock echoed in the stillness of the room. It wasn’t a loud sound, but it might as well have been a final barrier between you and Joel.

“Hey… hey, open the door,” Joel called from the other side, his voice thick with desperation. “Please, just talk to me.”

But you couldn’t answer. Not now. You pressed your back against the door, sliding down to the floor as your knees gave way, the tears spilling out uncontrollably. You hugged your arms around your knees, trying to hold yourself together, but it felt impossible.

“Come on,” Joel begged, his voice muffled by the door but still pleading. “I didn’t mean it the way it came out. I—damn it—just open the door. We can talk.”

Outside, you could hear Joel’s hand resting against the door, as if he was trying to feel your presence on the other side. “I don’t know what to say to fix this,” he admitted, his voice cracking. “But I need you to know that I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay here all night if I have to.”

But the space between you felt vast. Even though you knew he was just on the other side of the door, it was as if he were miles away. The crying from Rosie grew louder, and you could hear the frustration in Joel’s voice.

“Please… don’t do this,” he whispered.

But you still didn’t answer. You couldn’t. And in that moment, the only sound filling the void between you and Joel was Rosie’s cries. They echoed through the house, a reminder of the tiny life you were both trying to protect, yet somehow feeling further apart from each other than ever before.

You sat there, leaning against the door, feeling the weight of everything pressing down on you. When had it all become too much? You weren’t this weak before. You were strong, you had to be. You had been through so much, survived so much, and yet here you were, crumbling under the pressure of emotions that you couldn’t control.

You didn’t know when you had let it all get to this point. When the doubts, the fears, and the weight of trying to be enough, both for Rosie and for Joel, had started to consume you. It was like you had been holding it together for so long, and now, everything was unraveling.

You used to pride yourself on being able to handle it all. But now… now you felt like you were drowning. The tears wouldn’t stop, and you hated that. You hated feeling this weak, hated that your emotions had taken the best of you. That you couldn’t just push it down and be the strong person you had always been.

Rosie’s cries brought you back to the moment, but even her soft whimpers only made the ache in your chest deepen. You wanted to get up, to soothe her, but you felt so drained, so completely overwhelmed, that you couldn’t even move.

The sound of Joel’s voice, still pleading softly from the other side of the door, was like a distant echo in the back of your mind. You could hear his pain, but it was almost too much to bear. You knew he was hurting too, but how could you comfort him or your daughter when you couldn’t even find the strength to comfort yourself?

You rested your head against the cool wood of the door, closing your eyes, trying to pull yourself together. But every time you thought you could, that tight feeling in your chest came back, choking you with a flood of emotions you couldn’t control.

“I don’t know when I became this weak,” you whispered to yourself, your voice barely audible over the sound of Rosie’s cries and Joel’s muffled pleas.

Somewhere deep down, you knew you weren’t weak. You were tired, tired of carrying it all on your own, tired of pretending to be okay when you weren’t. But in this moment, it was hard to remember that. Hard to remember the strength that had gotten you this far.

Paul’s words echoed in your mind like an unwelcome refrain, twisting and turning until they felt like a noose tightening around your thoughts. “You can’t do this alone.” “He won’t come back.” Each phrase replayed like a haunting melody, suffocating your resolve.

You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to block them out, but they clung to you like shadows. “You’re not strong enough for this. You’re just going to end up hurt.” The memories of those moments, his condescending tone, the way he had looked at you as if you were fragile, were like needles piercing through the fragile veneer you had built around yourself.

But you weren’t fragile. You had survived against all odds, faced every challenge thrown your way, and yet here you were, paralyzed by a single man’s cruel words. You had spent nights comforting Rosie when she cried, soothing her fears, and yet, when it came to yourself, you found it impossible to extend that same compassion.

The weight of it all felt unbearable. You were torn between the love you felt for Rosie and Joel and the crippling fear that you were failing them both. The thought of losing Joel again, of having him walk away because you couldn’t hold it together, made your heart race with panic.

What if Paul was right? What if you were a burden? The nagging doubts clawed at your mind, urging you to believe that you were unworthy of the love and support surrounding you. “He left you.”

You let out a choked sob, unable to suppress the flood of emotions any longer. “I can’t… I can’t do this,” you murmured, the words slipping out between shaky breaths. You felt like you were drowning in a sea of uncertainty, gasping for air but finding none.

Just then, Rosie’s cries escalated, piercing through your turmoil. The sound broke through the fog of despair, a reminder that she needed you, that you were her mother.

With a shaky breath, you pushed off the door and stood up and opened the door, immediately facing Joel with despair in his eyes.

Joel's heart sank at the sight of you, tears streaming down your cheeks as you cradled Rosie in your arms. He stepped forward, his hands reaching out instinctively. “I’m here,” he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’m here.”

You could see the concern etched across his features, but all you felt was an overwhelming wave of emotion that threatened to engulf you. “She just wanted her mother,” you whispered, your voice shaking. “I don’t know how to do this, Joel. I thought I could, but…”

Joel’s heart ached at your vulnerability. He stepped closer, wrapping his arms around you and Rosie, pulling you both into a tight embrace. “You’re doing better than you think,” he murmured into your hair. “You’re a great mother. I’ve seen it. I see the way you care for her.”

You leaned into Joel’s embrace, but the warmth of his body only made the tears flow harder. “You don’t understand,” you sobbed, pulling away slightly to look into his eyes. “I don’t feel like a great mother. Every time I look at her, it hurts. I thought I could handle it.”

Joel’s expression shifted to one of concern as he took a step back, his hands gently resting on your shoulders. “Hey, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. This isn’t easy for any of us. But I promise you, you’re not alone in this. You’ve been doing everything you can.”

You shook your head, the frustration bubbling to the surface. “But I’m not doing enough! I can hear Paul’s words in my head, telling me I can’t do this alone, that you wouldn’t come back for me-”

“But I’m here, I came back.” He spoke, his tone reassuring your doubts.

You shook your head, “No you didn’t. You’re just half of what you were before.”

Joel’s expression faltered, hurt flickering across his features. “I know I’m not the same,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “But I’m trying. I’m here, and I want to be here for you and Rosie. You have to believe that.”

You stepped back, shaking your head as the tears streamed down your face. “But it doesn’t feel like enough. I thought you’d come back ready to fight for us, but instead, it feels like I’m still alone. You’re not the person I fell in love with. You’ve got so many walls up, and I don’t know how to break through them.”

“I’m trying to let those walls down,” he said, desperation creeping into his voice. “But it’s hard, okay? I’ve been through things you can’t even begin to understand, and I’m just trying to process it all. But I don’t want to lose you, too.”

His words hit you like a punch to the gut. “You’re not going to lose me because I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck here, Joel! Stuck with all these feelings and fears, and you’re acting like you don’t even want to try.”

He ran a hand through his hair, frustration and pain evident in his posture. “You think I don’t want to try? I want to be the man you need me to be, but I’m struggling, too. I can’t just forget everything that’s happened out there. I don’t know how to just turn it off.”

“I know you’re struggling,” you said, your voice breaking. “But I need you to at least try to meet me halfway.”

As Rosie’s cries grew louder, each wail felt like a reminder of the weight pressing down on both of you. You could hear her distress echoing your own turmoil, amplifying the emotions swirling in your chest. You wiped your tears, feeling the frustration mix with the overwhelming love you had for your daughter.

“I can’t handle this right now, Joel,” you said, your voice trembling as you tried to maintain your composure.

Joel's face softened, and he stepped closer, his hands reaching out tentatively. “Let me help, then. Please. I don’t want you to feel like you’re carrying this alone. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

You glanced down at Rosie, who was now whimpering, her little fists clenched as she squirmed in her crib. The sight made your heart ache, and the tears flowed more freely.

"I wish I would have died that day instead of Tess" you replied, walking back to the room.

Joel’s face twisted in pain at your words, his eyes clouding with grief and regret. He stepped closer, desperation in his voice. "Don't say that. Don’t ever say that. You’re the reason we’ve made it this far. Without you… I don’t know what I’d be."

But your mind was spinning, tangled in the emotions you couldn’t unravel. Rosie’s cries felt like a mirror of your own inner turmoil, and each sob felt like a weight pressing deeper on your chest. You rubbed at your face, trying to push away the tears that kept falling. “I’m tired, Joel,” you whispered, your voice barely above a breath.

Joel looked down at Rosie, who had quieted slightly but still whimpered softly, her tiny face scrunched in discomfort. He exhaled slowly, his hands trembling as he reached out toward you but then let them fall back to his sides. I should have helped sooner. I didn’t—" His voice caught in his throat. "I didn’t realize how much you needed me to be here."

You shook your head, a bitter laugh escaping you. "No, Joel, you didn’t. And now, I don’t know if you ever really will be. You’re here, but half of you is still somewhere out there, and I don’t know how to reach that part of you.”

Your hands trembled as you held Rosie, her soft whimpers clawing at your already frayed nerves. The exhaustion, the hurt, the overwhelming sense of responsibility, it was all crashing down on you. You couldn’t take it anymore.

“Just make her stop crying,” you whispered, your voice breaking as you handed Rosie to Joel, your arms suddenly feeling too weak to hold her any longer. The moment Joel took her from you, the sob you had been holding in finally escaped. Your chest tightened, and for a second, everything seemed to blur around you.

Before Joel could respond, your body gave way to the exhaustion consuming you for so long. Your vision darkened as you slumped forward, your world fading into black as you passed out.

You pressed yourself against the cold, concrete wall of the Quarantine Zone, your heart pounding in your chest as you listened to the footsteps of the guards patrolling nearby. You had always been good at finding places to hide, but lately, the tension in the air had made even your usual spots feel less safe.

You had come to the trading post with the intention of scrounging up some supplies for yourself, but you had miscalculated the risks. Now, hiding from the guards had become a habit—one you were starting to regret.

Just as you thought you were in the clear, you heard a voice from behind you. “What are you doing back here?”

You turned to find a man standing a few feet away, his brow furrowed with curiosity. He was older than you, with a rugged look that spoke of hard living, and something in his eyes hinted at a depth of experience.

“Just… hiding,” you replied, trying to sound casual even though your heart raced at the prospect of being caught.

He chuckled softly, a sound that was surprisingly comforting. “You’re gonna get yourself into trouble doing that. You know the guards won’t hesitate to drag you in if they catch you.”

“I’m not afraid of them,” you said defiantly, but your voice wavered slightly.

“Yeah? You sure about that?” He stepped closer, his gaze assessing you. “You think you can take them on?”

You shrugged, feeling a mix of bravado and fear. “I can handle myself.”

He raised an eyebrow, clearly not convinced. “Maybe. But it’s always better to have someone watching your back.”

You looked at him, searching for any hint of deceit in his expression, but all you saw was honesty and a hint of amusement. “And what’s your name?” you asked, intrigued despite yourself.

“Joel,” he replied, the corners of his mouth twitching up in a faint smile. “And you’re a long way from safe out here, kid.”

“Kid? I’m not a kid,” you retorted, crossing your arms.

“Sure you’re not,” he said, amusement dancing in his eyes. “But you’d be surprised how fast things can go sideways in this world. Better to be careful.”

Just then, the guards’ voices echoed down the hallway, and you felt your stomach drop. Without thinking, you grabbed Joel’s arm and pulled him into the small space behind some crates.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice low, a mix of surprise and approval.

“Hiding,” you whispered, your breath quickening as the guards drew closer.

He didn’t protest, instead leaning in slightly, his presence solid and reassuring. The guards passed by, their footsteps fading into the distance, and you let out a shaky breath.

“That was close,” you muttered, still pressed against him.

He glanced down at you, the tension of the moment breaking slightly. “You know, if you keep this up, I might have to start charging you for my help.”

You looked up at him, catching the flicker of a smile on his lips. “Yeah, right. You’re just as likely to get caught with me around.”

Joel chuckled, shaking his head. “Maybe. But I think I can manage.”

When the coast was clear, you cautiously peeked out from behind the crates. “Thanks for that,” you said, a bit shyly. “I didn’t expect to find someone like you back here.”

When you finally stirred, your head throbbed, and for a moment, everything felt hazy. You blinked, your vision blurry as you slowly came back to consciousness. The room was dim, and you struggled to remember what had happened, but as your senses sharpened, you realized you were lying on the couch. You felt something cold against your forehead—a damp cloth—and when you turned your head slightly, you were met with Paul’s concerned face.

“Hey,” he said softly, crouching next to the couch, his hand still holding the cloth. “You gave us a scare.”

Confusion swirled in your mind. “Paul?” Your voice was hoarse, and you winced at how weak it sounded. “What are you doing here?”

Paul sighed, his expression serious but gentle. “Joel was a mess. He didn’t know what to do, so he came and got me.” He glanced over his shoulder, where you saw Joel standing by the doorway, his face a mix of guilt and helplessness. His eyes were fixed on you, but he didn’t say a word.

The memory of what had happened earlier hit you like a punch to the gut. The crying, the exhaustion, the overwhelming sense of defeat—and then nothing. You tried to sit up, but Paul gently pushed you back down.

“Take it easy,” he urged. “You’ve been out for a while.”

Rosie’s soft whimpers caught your attention, and you turned your head to see her in Joel’s arms. He was gently bouncing her, trying to soothe her, but his eyes kept darting back to you. You could see the strain on his face, the weight of everything that had happened between you both etched into every line of his expression.

“I’m fine,” you mumbled, even though you felt anything but fine. You wanted to tell Paul to leave, to tell Joel that you didn’t need him to bring someone else to take care of you, but the words stuck in your throat.

Paul raised an eyebrow. “You passed out from exhaustion. That’s not ‘fine,’ and you know it.” He glanced at Joel again before turning back to you. “You’ve been pushing yourself too hard. You don’t even have your spark anymore” he added, carrying a sense of undertone that made your anger raise.

The insinuation stung, and beneath your exhaustion, frustration flared to life. How dare he stand there and judge you? How dare he talk about something he couldn’t possibly understand? You’d been doing everything you could to hold it together, to take care of Rosie, to keep going. But now, with the weight of his words, it felt like everything was crumbling.

Your hands clenched into fists as you sat up, despite Paul’s earlier insistence that you rest. “Get out of my house.”

Paul raised his hands, backing off a little, but there was still something in his expression that fueled your frustration. “I’m just saying you don’t have to do this all alone.”

“I know I don’t!” you shot back. You don’t know what it’s like—” Your voice caught in your throat, and you couldn’t finish. The exhaustion, the frustration, the overwhelming sense of failure all clashed inside of you.

Joel, who had been standing silently with Rosie, stepped forward, his voice quiet but firm. “I think that’s enough.” There was a tension in his tone, something protective.

Paul’s expression shifted, his calm demeanor faltering as he glanced between you and Joel. “You deserve someone who’s going to actually be there for you,” he said, his voice laced with an edge of condescension. “Not someone who’s half here, someone who’s too wrapped up in their own demons to care for you or Rosie.” He shot a pointed look at Joel, clearly implying that he wasn’t the man for you.

That was it. Joel’s face hardened, his jaw clenched tight. Without a word, he gently placed Rosie down in her crib, making sure she was safe, and then he turned back toward Paul. The tension in the room thickened, and before you could react, Joel strode forward with purpose.

“Joel, don’t—” you started, but it was too late.

In one swift movement, Joel’s fist connected with Paul’s jaw, sending him stumbling backward. The force of the punch was strong, a raw release of all the frustration and anger Joel had been holding back. Paul let out a grunt of pain, clutching his face as he tried to steady himself.

“Get out,” Joel growled, his voice low and dangerous. His usually composed demeanor was gone, replaced by a fierce protectiveness. “You don’t come into our home and tell her what she deserves.”

Paul straightened up, wiping blood from the corner of his mouth, his eyes filled with a mix of shock and anger. “You think this is going to change anything?” he spat, glaring at Joel. “She deserves better than you, and deep down, you know it.”

Joel took a step closer, his fists still clenched, but you quickly moved between them, your heart racing. “Stop,” you said, your voice trembling. You couldn’t deal with this right now—the fighting, the anger, the tension.

Paul shot one last glare at Joel before turning his gaze toward you. “You know where to find me when you finally realize what you deserve.” With that, he turned on his heel and walked out, leaving the door wide open behind him.

For a moment, there was silence. You stood there, your body tense, your mind racing. Joel was still breathing heavily, the adrenaline from the confrontation clearly not yet faded. He glanced down at you, his face softening as he saw the strain and exhaustion in your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Joel said quietly, his voice rough. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

You didn’t respond immediately, the weight of everything pressing down on you again. Finally, you took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. "Don't listen to him, you deserve me. But right now, Joel, you’re being an asshole." you said walking back to the bedroom.

He opened his mouth to respond, but the exhaustion in your face, the weight you were carrying, silenced him. You didn’t wait for an answer. Turning away, you walked back toward the bedroom, the thud of your footsteps matching the heavy thrum of your heartbeat. You could feel his gaze on you, but you didn’t turn around. The last few days had taken their toll, and you were too drained to face another argument.

As you reached the bedroom door, you paused for a moment, your hand resting on the frame. You wanted to say more, to explain the hurt and frustration swirling inside you, but the words felt stuck, tangled in the knot of emotions you’d been holding in for too long.

Without looking back, you stepped into the room and shut the door softly behind you. The quiet click of the lock felt like a small barrier between you and the chaos outside, but even in the solitude of the bedroom, the weight of everything pressed down on you.

You walked over to the bed, your legs heavy with exhaustion, and sat on the edge. Your body ached, not from any physical strain but from the emotional toll of everything you’d been through. The fight with Paul, the tension with Joel, the constant pressure to be strong for Rosie, it was all catching up with you.

You buried your face in your hands, letting out a shaky breath as the tears threatened to spill over again. “I just want things to be okay,” you whispered to yourself, but the room offered no answers, no relief from the storm raging inside you.

The next morning, you woke up to the soft sound of Rosie stirring in her crib. The sunlight was just beginning to filter through the curtains, casting a soft, golden glow over the room. You blinked a few times, feeling the remnants of exhaustion still clinging to you, but instinctively, you moved to tend to your daughter.

Rosie let out a little whimper as you gently lifted her into your arms, and you rocked her softly, humming a quiet tune. The peace of the early morning felt like a small reprieve from the storm of emotions from the night before. For a moment, it was just you and her, the world outside the bedroom door distant.

As you fed Rosie, your eyes drifted to the slightly open door, and a thought crossed your mind. Once she had finished and you had settled her back down, you quietly left the room, padding down the hallway in your socks.

You stopped when you reached the living room, your heart giving a little tug at the sight before you. Joel was asleep on the couch, his body curled up slightly, his face turned away from the room. His breathing was slow and even, but there was something about the way he lay there, like the weight of everything had finally knocked him down, that made your heart ache.

He looked so tired, the lines of stress etched into his face even in sleep. For a long moment, you just stood there, watching him. Despite everything, despite the arguments and the walls between you, there was still that pull, the part of you that loved him so deeply it hurt.

But you couldn’t ignore how broken things had become, how much distance had grown between you, and how helpless you’d felt in the middle of it all. You didn’t know how to fix it, but seeing him there, so vulnerable, softened something inside you.

You approached the couch slowly, hesitant. You didn’t want to wake him, not yet. But you stood by the edge of the couch, looking down at him, your fingers tightening around the fabric of your sleeves as you tried to figure out what to do next.

The tension between you two from the night before still hung in the air, but for the first time in days, you felt a flicker of hope. Maybe it wasn’t too late to reach him. Maybe there was still a way back to each other.

In the kitchen, you set about making a quiet breakfast, keeping your movements soft and deliberate. The sound of eggs sizzling in the pan and the aroma of fresh coffee filled the air, creating a sense of normalcy that had been absent for a while. It was strange how these small routines—things you used to take for granted—now felt like lifelines.

As you stirred the coffee, your mind wandered back to the tension from the day before. Paul’s words, Joel’s anger, your own emotional breakdown—it all swirled around in your head like a storm you couldn’t quite escape. You felt the familiar knot tighten in your chest, but you took a deep breath, grounding yourself in the simple task of making breakfast.

You heard a soft shuffle behind you and turned to see Joel standing in the doorway, his hair tousled from sleep, his expression a mix of fatigue and hesitation. He looked at you for a moment, then glanced down at his feet, clearly unsure of what to say after everything that had happened.

"I... didn’t mean to fall asleep on the couch," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. "I was going to come back to bed."

You nodded, not entirely sure how to respond. Part of you wanted to tell him it was okay, that you understood, but another part of you was still so hurt, so weighed down by everything that had been left unsaid between you.

Instead, you turned back to the stove, flipping the eggs onto a plate. "Breakfast is almost ready," you said quietly, keeping your tone neutral.

Joel hesitated for a moment before stepping closer. "Look, about last night..." he started, his voice soft but filled with the weight of everything unsaid.

You kept your back to him, focusing on pouring the coffee. "Let’s not do this right now, Joel. I don’t have the energy to fight today."

"It’s not about fighting," he said, his voice a little firmer now. "I just... I know I’ve been distant. I know I haven’t been the man you need me to be, and I hate that I’m making you feel like you’re alone in this. You’re not. I’m here, even when it doesn’t seem like it."

You finally turned to face him, your eyes searching his face for the sincerity behind his words. He looked tired, his brown eyes filled with a mix of regret and something deeper—something that reminded you of the man you fell in love with.

"Then why does it feel like you’re somewhere else?" you asked softly, your voice tinged with the vulnerability you’d been trying to hide.

Joel took a slow breath, stepping closer until he was standing right in front of you. "Because part of me is," he admitted, his voice rough. "There are things I’ve been holding onto—things from out there, from everything I’ve done to keep us safe. I thought I was protecting you by keeping it all inside, but I can see now that it’s only been pushing you away."

You swallowed hard, feeling a lump form in your throat.

He nodded; his eyes filled with emotion. "I’m trying, I swear. But I’m scared—scared that if you knew everything, you’d see me differently."

You reached out then, placing a hand on his chest. "I already know you, Joel. I know what you’ve done, and I still love you. But we can’t keep doing this—this back and forth, this shutting each other out. It’s breaking us."

Joel looked down at your hand on his chest, covering it with his own. "I don’t want to lose you," he said quietly, his voice raw with emotion.

“You’re losing me now” you whispered.

Joel’s expression shifted, a flicker of something dark passing over his face, and his hand tightened slightly around yours. For a moment, the room felt impossibly still, as if the world itself was holding its breath. He looked away, his gaze drifting toward the window, avoiding your eyes as though what he was about to say was too much to bear.

“I lied,” Joel said, his voice low and strained, barely louder than a whisper. “To Ellie… about what happened with the Fireflies.”

You blinked, confusion rippling through you, trying to grasp what he meant. "What do you mean you lied?"

His jaw clenched as he struggled to find the words. “I told her they couldn’t find a cure. That they ran some tests and it didn’t work. But… that wasn’t the truth.”

A sick feeling churned in your stomach, your heart racing as you tried to process what he was telling you. "Joel... what are you saying?" you asked, your voice shaky, almost afraid to hear the answer.

He looked at you then, his brown eyes filled with guilt, the weight of it crushing him. “They were going to use her… to make the cure. But to do that, they would’ve had to kill her.”

The air seemed to rush out of the room as the realization hit you. "Oh my God," you breathed, stepping back slightly, your hand slipping from his chest. "You... you stopped them."

Joel nodded, his face tight with regret. "I didn’t give them a choice. I couldn’t let them take her life, even if it meant sacrificing the chance for a cure. I killed them. All of them.”

You stood there, frozen, your mind reeling as you tried to comprehend the enormity of what he had done. The weight of his decision, the lives lost, the potential cure for humanity—gone because he couldn’t bear to lose Ellie. It was a truth that hit you like a punch to the gut, leaving you breathless and disoriented.

"She doesn’t know, does she?" you whispered, your voice barely audible. "Ellie doesn’t know the truth."

Joel shook his head, his eyes filled with pain. "No. She still thinks there was nothing they could do. She trusts me… and I’ve been lying to her this whole time."

You covered your mouth with your hand, feeling a mix of emotions crashing over you—shock, anger, sorrow, and something deeper, something you couldn’t quite name. You knew how much Ellie meant to Joel, how much she had become like a daughter to him. But this… this was something else. He had taken away her choice, her right to know the truth about her own life.

"Joel," you said, your voice trembling with disbelief. "You... you took that choice away from her. You lied to protect her, but... what if she finds out? What then?"

"I know," Joel rasped, his voice cracking. "I know what I did, and I know it was wrong. But I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t go through that again."

You stared at him, seeing the brokenness in his eyes, the depth of his fear and guilt. He had made an impossible choice—one that had saved Ellie’s life but had cost him a piece of his soul. And now, that lie hung between you, heavy and suffocating.

"I didn’t tell you because... because I didn’t want you to look at me like this," Joel continued, his voice faltering. "Like I’m a monster."

Tears filled your eyes, but you blinked them back, trying to hold yourself together. "You’re not a monster, Joel," you said, your voice hoarse. "But this... this is so much more than I ever thought you were carrying. And it’s not just your burden to bear. You should have told me."

"I know," Joel whispered, stepping closer, his eyes pleading with you. "I’m telling you now because... because I can’t keep this from you anymore. I can’t keep shutting you out, not after everything we’ve been through."

You closed your eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, trying to process the weight of his confession. When you opened them, you met his gaze, your voice soft but firm. "You lied to her to protect her. But you can’t keep lying, Joel. Not to me, and not to Ellie. Eventually, she’s going to find out. And when that happens… what are you going to do?"

Joel’s face crumpled, his shoulders sagging under the weight of his guilt. "I don’t know," he admitted, his voice barely audible. "But I’m terrified of losing her. And now… I’m terrified of losing you, too."

You stood there, staring at the man you loved, the man who had fought to protect the people he cared about, even if it meant making choices that would haunt him for the rest of his life. You didn’t know how to feel, didn’t know what to say, but one thing was clear, you couldn’t go back to how things were.

“And what made you think you couldn't trust me with this?” You asked him things were.

Joel sighed heavily, his arms still wrapped around you, but he didn’t meet your eyes. He pulled back slightly, his expression a mixture of guilt and fear. “It wasn’t about trust,” he said, his voice quiet and thick with emotion. “It was… fear.”

You frowned, your heart tightening at his words. “Fear of what? Of me? Of what I’d think of you?”

He shook his head, finally meeting your gaze, his eyes full of vulnerability you rarely saw in him. “No. I wasn’t afraid of you. I was afraid of losing you too. Of you seeing me for who I really am.”

You stared at him, taken aback. "Joel, I already know who you are. I've seen you at your best and your worst. You’ve always trusted me with everything, so why was this different?"

He hesitated; his voice low. "Because this… this was somethin' darker. I crossed a line that I never wanted to cross again. I did it for Ellie, but it doesn’t change what it makes me. And I didn’t want you to look at me and see a monster."

Your chest tightened at his words, and you reached up to cup his face in your hands, forcing him to look at you. "Joel, you’re not a monster," you said firmly, your voice soft but steady. "You did what you thought was right, even if it wasn’t easy to understand. I may not agree with what you did, but I can’t blame you for wanting to protect her."

His eyes searched yours, as if seeking reassurance that he wasn’t beyond redemption. "You’re not scared of what I did?"

"I’m not scared of you," you said softly, stroking your thumb over his cheek. "But I need you to trust me with the truth, even when it’s ugly. Because if we don’t have that, then what do we have?"

Joel closed his eyes briefly, his face showing the toll of carrying that burden alone for so long. When he opened them again, there was a flicker of relief in his gaze, as if a weight had finally been lifted. "I should’ve told you sooner," he admitted, his voice raw with regret. "I just didn’t want to lose you too."

"You won’t lose me, Joel," you whispered.

You held him tightly, feeling the weight of his guilt and fear in the way he clung to you. His body trembled slightly, and you knew how much it took for him to open up, to let you see this side of him.

"I won’t tell her,”You whispered softly, your voice calm but firm. "I’ll carry this for you, Joel. But when you’re ready, when you feel like you can… promise me you’ll try to tell her."

Joel’s breath hitched, and he buried his face in your shoulder, his grip on you tightening as if he was afraid to let go. After a long pause, he finally nodded against you. "I promise," he murmured, his voice rough. "I’ll try."

You pulled back slightly, just enough to look into his eyes, your hands still resting gently on his shoulders. "That’s all I need, Joel," you said softly. "We’ll get through this together, just like everything else."

His eyes softened, and for the first time in what felt like a long while, you saw a glimmer of hope in them. He leaned in, resting his forehead against yours, his breath warm against your skin. "I don’t deserve you," he muttered, his voice barely above a whisper.

You smiled faintly, brushing a strand of his hair away from his face. "You do," you whispered back. "You always have."

For a moment, the world outside didn’t matter. It was just the two of you, finding your way back to each other after everything you’d been through. And in that silence, you knew that, despite all the pain and mistakes, your bond was stronger than ever. You would carry this burden together, and when the time came, you would both face the truth with the same strength you’d always relied on.

He kissed your forehead gently, lingering there as if grounding himself in the moment. "Thank you," he said quietly.

You allowed him to get a hold of you for as long as he needed. You loved him enough for that, but you couldn’t help but feel the fear creeping upon you. The consequences this would have in the aftermath terrified you, but you would hold it for him, and for Ellie.

It was late, and the dim lights of the QZ barely flickered through the cracks in the old apartment. You had gotten used to the sounds of the place—the distant hum of generators, the occasional shouts from outside, and the ever-present sense of unease that came with living in a world so broken. But tonight was different. Tess wouldn’t be coming back, and you had already resigned yourself to the familiar routine of finding a corner to sleep in, far from Joel’s space.

You were in the middle of pulling the blanket over yourself when you heard Joel’s footsteps behind you. They were quieter than usual, hesitant almost, and you looked up, surprised to see him standing at the door of the bedroom.

He didn’t speak at first, just lingered there, his silhouette framed by the faint light from the hallway. You could see the tension in his posture, the way his hands fidgeted at his sides as if he was wrestling with something he couldn’t quite say.

As you settled under the thin blankets, the memory of that kiss—just days ago—lingered between you, unspoken but heavy in the air. It had taken you both by surprise, neither of you expecting it, but there had been something in Joel’s eyes that night, a shift, a quiet understanding. That kiss had been his way of telling you, without words, that he trusted you in a way he hadn’t trusted anyone in a long time. It wasn’t just about desire; it was about letting you in, allowing you to see a side of him he kept hidden from the world.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he cleared his throat. “You… uh, you don’t have to sleep out there tonight,” he said, his voice rough but softer than you were used to hearing from him. "There’s enough room in here."

You blinked, unsure if you’d heard him right. You’d been sharing this space for a while now, but you’d always kept a respectful distance. Joel had never given any indication that he wanted it otherwise, and you had assumed it was just easier that way. Safer, maybe.

But there he was, standing in the doorway, his eyes flickering between you and the bed behind him. There was something vulnerable in the way he stood, as if this was a question he wasn’t used to asking.

“Are you…you… want me to sleep in there?” you asked, your voice quiet, not wanting to misread the moment.

He nodded, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “It’s late. Cold too. Just thought… it’d be more comfortable. For both of us.”

Your heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t just about comfort, you could tell. There was a layer of unspoken words in his offer, a need for connection in a world that had stripped so much away.

After a moment of hesitation, you nodded, rising slowly from the corner you’d claimed. “Okay,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper.

Joel stepped aside as you walked past him, letting you into the small, cramped bedroom. The bed wasn’t much—just a thin mattress and some worn blankets.

You slid under the covers, feeling the tension in the room as Joel stood there, watching you for a second longer before moving toward the other side of the bed. He lay down beside you, his body stiff and awkward at first, like he didn’t quite know how to do this. You could feel the space between you, but it was less about the physical distance and more about the emotional walls that had been built between you both over time.

For a while, neither of you said anything. The silence was heavy, filled with all the things neither of you could say. But there was something comforting in it too—a quiet understanding that, despite everything, you weren’t alone.

Just as you were starting to relax, Joel’s voice broke the silence. “I’m not good at this,” he muttered, his tone laced with self-doubt. "But I want to… I mean, I’m trying."

You turned your head to look at him, catching the faint outline of his face in the darkness. There was something so raw, so real in his words that it made your chest tighten. “Me too,” you whispered back.

He let out a long breath, as if relieved by your answer, and shifted slightly closer. Not enough to touch, but enough that the space between you felt a little smaller, a little less daunting.

You stared at the ceiling for a moment longer, your thoughts racing, trying to figure out what to say or do to break the barrier between you. And then, just as you were about to speak, you felt the bed shift as Joel turned towards you. His presence was suddenly much closer, and before you could react, his hand reached out, tentative, brushing against your arm.

You turned your head to look at him again, and even in the dim light, you could see the hesitation in his eyes. It was like he was battling with himself, wanting to reach out but not knowing if it was okay to do so.

Without thinking, you moved closer, closing the small gap between you. You could feel the warmth of his body now, the roughness of his breath as he fought against the vulnerability of the moment. And then, suddenly, his lips were on yours—soft but insistent, as if he couldn’t hold back any longer.

It was different from the first kiss. This one wasn’t hesitant or uncertain. This was Joel making a decision, deciding to let you in just a little more, to tear down one more wall. His hand cupped the side of your face, his thumb brushing against your cheek as he deepened the kiss, pouring everything he couldn’t say into that single moment.

When he pulled back, his forehead rested against yours, both of you breathing heavily. For a long moment, neither of you said anything, the intimacy of the kiss settling around you like a blanket. You felt his hand tighten slightly on your face, a silent plea for you to understand everything he was struggling to say.

It had been a long morning since Joel left for patrol. You hadn’t said much to each other before he walked out the door, but the look he gave you was enough to tell you that he was trying—really trying to work through the mess that lay between you. It was a fragile peace, but you both knew there was no quick fix.

Rosie had been especially fussy, and after finally settling her down for a nap, you decided to go for a walk to clear your head. The weight of the past few days lingered like a storm cloud, and with Joel out, you found yourself restless, searching for some sense of normalcy. A visit to Maria seemed like a good way to pass the time. She’d always had a calming presence, and you could use some of her wisdom, especially after everything that had happened.

As you made your way through the winding streets of Jackson, the crisp autumn air nipping at your skin, you tried to shake off the lingering emotions. The town was peaceful, the sound of hammers and voices in the distance as people continued with their daily tasks. You could almost pretend everything was fine for a moment, that life was simple here.

But as you turned a corner, that fragile peace shattered.

There he was. Paul.

He was standing by the fence, talking to one of the other settlers, but the moment he saw you, his expression shifted. His eyes narrowed, and a smirk played at the corners of his lips as he excused himself from the conversation and made his way toward you.

Your stomach dropped. The last thing you wanted was to deal with him right now, not after everything that had happened with Joel. But Paul was relentless, always showing up when you least wanted him around. His words from the previous night still echoed in your mind—the way he had implied that Joel wasn’t enough for you, that you deserved better.

You squared your shoulders and tried to keep walking, hoping he’d get the hint and leave you alone. But of course, Paul never made things that easy.

“Heading somewhere?” Paul called out as he fell into step beside you, his tone casual but laced with that same undertone of smugness that had set you off before.

“I’m busy, Paul,” you replied, not bothering to look at him. “I don’t have time for this.”

He chuckled softly, the sound grating on your nerves. “You always seem to be busy these days. What, too wrapped up in playing house with Joel to even talk?”

Your jaw clenched, but you kept your gaze forward, refusing to engage.

“Come on,” Paul pressed, his voice lowering slightly as he leaned in, “you and I both know you deserve better than this. You’ve been through so much, and for what? To be stuck with a man who can’t even give you what you need? You’re not happy, and everyone can see it.”

You stopped dead in your tracks, your blood boiling. “Stop,” you hissed, turning to face him now. “I don’t care what you think you know, Paul, but you don’t get to talk about my life like that. Joel’s my husband, and I’m not interested in whatever it is you think you can offer.”

Paul’s expression hardened for a moment, but then he shrugged, the smirk never quite leaving his face. “I’m just trying to help. You don’t have to settle for less, you know? I see the way you look—tired, worn down. You’re not the same woman I met when you first came here. He’s changed you.”

His words hit deeper than you wanted to admit, poking at the insecurities you’d been grappling with for so long. You knew you were tired, knew you and Joel were struggling, but you weren’t about to let Paul twist that into something it wasn’t.

“I don’t need your help,” you said, your voice low and firm. “And I’m not some broken woman waiting for you to swoop in and save me. I’m stronger than you think.”

Paul scoffed, shaking his head. “You think you’re strong? Look at you. You’re exhausted. You’re barely holding it together. How long until Joel drags you down with him? You deserve more than that, and you know it.”

You took a step back, your heart racing with a mix of anger and hurt. “This conversation is over, Paul. Leave me alone.”

But just as you turned to walk away, his hand shot out, grabbing your arm. It wasn’t forceful, but it was enough to stop you in your tracks.

“I’m serious,” he said, his voice low and almost pleading now. “You don’t have to keep doing this. You don’t have to keep pretending that everything’s okay with him. I can give you a life, a real one. No more hiding, no more fear. You could be happy.”

You yanked your arm free, stepping back, your eyes blazing with anger. “I am happy, Paul,” you said, your voice shaking with emotion. “Or at least I’m trying to be. But I don’t need you or anyone else telling me what I should feel or what I deserve.”

Paul’s smirk faded then, his face hardening as he realized he wasn’t getting through to you. “Fine,” he muttered, stepping back. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you when it all falls apart.”

Without another word, he turned and walked away, leaving you standing there, your heart pounding in your chest.

You stood there for a moment, trying to collect yourself. The encounter had left you rattled, the anger still simmering beneath your skin. But as much as Paul’s words had gotten under your skin, you knew he was wrong

You found your way to Maria’s house, still feeling the tension from the encounter with Paul clinging to your skin. When she opened the door, her face softened immediately, recognizing the weariness in your expression. She welcomed you in without hesitation, her hand resting gently on her growing belly as she led you inside.

“How’re you holding up?” Maria asked, her voice filled with genuine concern as she guided you to sit down at the kitchen table.

You forced a small smile, trying to shake off the weight of everything. “I’m… managing. How about you? How’s the pregnancy going?”

Maria’s face lit up slightly, her hand instinctively moving to rub her belly. “It’s been good, mostly. Tiring, of course. But Tommy’s been helping a lot, and the baby’s healthy, so I can’t complain.” She paused, giving you a knowing look. “But something tells me you didn’t come here just to check in on me.”

You sighed, running a hand through your hair. “I just needed to get out of the house. Things have been… rough.”

Maria didn’t press, simply nodding as she sat across from you. “It’s not easy, I know that much. You and Joel have been through a lot.”

You stared down at your hands, feeling the familiar sting of frustration building inside you again. “Yeah, we have. But it feels like everything’s falling apart, and I don’t know how to keep it together.”

There was a long silence between you, the weight of your words settling into the space. Maria’s eyes softened, understanding far beyond what she needed to say. She didn’t offer advice or try to fix things—she just listened. And in that moment, it was exactly what you needed.

After a few more minutes of small talk, you glanced at Rosie, who had been dozing off in her carrier. The sight of her, so small and peaceful, tugged at your heart, but it also made you feel even more trapped. You needed space to breathe, to think.

“Maria,” you said hesitantly, “could you… could you take care of Rosie for a little while? I just need some time. I won’t be gone long, I promise.”

Maria’s brows furrowed slightly, concern creeping into her expression, but she didn’t question you. “Of course,” she said gently, reaching for Rosie’s carrier. “You go do what you need to do. She’ll be safe with me.”

You nodded, grateful, but you couldn’t shake the guilt that tugged at you as you handed Rosie over. You hated feeling like you were running away, but the walls in Jackson were closing in on you, and you needed a break—just a moment to clear your head.

After making sure everything was set for Rosie, you thanked Maria again and left the house, the cool air of Jackson hitting your face as you stepped outside. Your heart raced as you made your way through the town, your mind already spinning with the familiar plan that had once been second nature to you.

Sneaking out of from a place wasn’t something you’d done in a long time, but the muscle memory kicked in as soon as you approached the outer edge of the settlement. You knew the weak points, the places where the patrols didn’t keep a close eye. You’d used these routes before in different places, and now that you needed you were going to use your skills for it.

You slipped through a wall, your pulse quickening as you moved into the wilderness beyond the walls of Jackson. The trees were thick, their branches swaying in the gentle breeze, and for the first time in what felt like forever, you felt a sense of relief wash over you. Out here, there were no arguments, no pressure, no expectations. Just the quiet hum of nature, the sound of your boots crunching softly against the earth.

You didn’t go far, just enough to feel like you were truly alone, away from the weight of everything you’d been carrying. You found a small clearing, the sun filtering through the leaves in soft beams, and you sank down onto a fallen log, finally letting yourself exhale.

Out here, with nothing but the wind and the trees, you felt like you could finally breathe again. The emotions you’d been holding in for so long came crashing down, and before you could stop them, the tears started to fall.

It was quiet. Peaceful. And for a little while, you allowed yourself to let go.

The sun was starting to set by the time Joel returned from patrol, his body aching from the long day. He walked toward the house, expecting to hear the familiar sounds of Rosie’s coos or your footsteps in the background. But as he approached the front door, the sight of Maria standing there, cradling Rosie in her arms, made something in his stomach drop.

Rosie stirred in Maria’s arms, her tiny face scrunching up as if sensing the tension in the air. Joel’s heart raced, and he immediately scanned the area, looking for you, but you were nowhere to be seen. His brow furrowed, the unease settling deep in his gut as he stepped forward.

Tommy, who had been standing a few feet behind Maria, crossed his arms, his expression tense as he waited for Joel to notice him. When Joel finally turned to him, there was a flicker of understanding in Tommy’s eyes, like he knew something Joel didn’t.

"Where is she?" Joel’s voice was rough, laced with a mixture of confusion and dread. His gaze darted back to Maria, then to Tommy, searching for answers.

Maria shifted her weight, carefully rocking Rosie as she spoke, her voice soft but firm. “She left earlier today. Came to me, asked if I could take care of Rosie for a bit.”

Joel’s stomach twisted, and his mind immediately jumped to the worst. “She left? Alone?”

Maria hesitated for a moment, her eyes locking with Joel’s before she nodded. “She needed space, Joel. She didn’t say much, but… I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed. She didn’t say where she was going, just that she needed some time to herself.”

Joel’s chest tightened, and he felt the anger and fear rise up inside of him. “And you just let her go?” His voice was louder now, filled with an edge of panic. “Did she leave Jackson by herself?”

Tommy stepped forward, putting a hand on Joel’s shoulder, trying to calm him down. “Easy, man. She’s done this before, you know that. She knows how to take care of herself.”

“But not now!” Joel snapped, shrugging off Tommy’s hand. “Not with everything that’s happened! Not with—” He stopped himself, his voice cracking as the weight of it all bore down on him. He thought of everything you’d been through, everything you hadn’t told him, and the fear that he had pushed you too far gnawed at him.

Maria spoke up again, her tone steady but understanding. “She needed a break, Joel. She’s not running away. She just needed time to think, to breathe. You know how hard things have been on her. She wouldn’t leave Rosie behind unless she trusted me to take care of her.”

Joel’s jaw clenched, and he paced for a moment, his mind spinning with the endless possibilities of where you could’ve gone. His fists tightened, and he cursed under his breath. The image of you out there alone, with nothing but your thoughts and the dangers beyond Jackson’s walls, filled him with a panic he hadn’t felt in years.

Tommy, sensing Joel’s desperation, spoke quietly, trying to offer some reassurance. “We can go look for her, Joel. You know she’s probably out in the woods, where she always goes when she needs some space.”

Joel ran a hand over his face, frustration and worry etched into every line of his features. He glanced at Rosie, who was now peacefully asleep in Maria’s arms, and the sight of his daughter’s small, fragile form made his heart twist painfully.

“I shouldn’t have left,” Joel muttered, more to himself than anyone else. “I shouldn’t have left her like this.”

Maria shook her head, her voice soft but firm. “This isn’t your fault, Joel. She just needed time. But she’ll be back.”

Joel swallowed hard, guilt gnawing at him as the weight of everything settled on his shoulders. He glanced at Tommy; his eyes filled with a silent plea. “I’m gonna find her.”

Outside, the world felt vast and overwhelming. You wandered through the familiar paths of the woods, your mind swirling with thoughts and emotions you couldn’t quite grasp. The trees stood tall and silent around you, their shadows stretching out like dark fingers, reflecting the turmoil inside your heart.

You thought of your sister, of the bond you once shared, and how her absence left a gaping hole in your life. Memories of laughter and warmth collided with the stark reality of survival in this harsh world. There was a time when everything felt different, when hope seemed tangible rather than just a flicker of light in the distance.

But now, all you could feel was the weight of responsibility pressing down on you like a heavy cloak. Rosie was a precious gift, but taking care of her felt like an insurmountable task some days. You loved her fiercely, but there were moments when the exhaustion threatened to overwhelm you, the anxiety about whether you were doing enough gnawing at the edges of your mind. Would you be able to protect her? Could you give her the life she deserved in a world filled with danger and uncertainty?

You leaned against a sturdy tree, closing your eyes for a moment, letting the cool breeze brush against your skin. In the silence, you could almost hear your sister’s laughter, the way she used to tease you about everything and nothing. If she were here, she would know what to say to make things feel right again. She would tell you that you were stronger than you thought, that you could handle this, even on the toughest days.

But she wasn’t here, and the loneliness crept in, wrapping around you like a cold shroud. You couldn’t shake the feeling that you were losing yourself, that you were more than just a mother now. You were a woman who had once fought fiercely for her own survival, for the lives of those she loved. You felt like you were at a crossroads, and you didn’t know which path to take.

As you pushed yourself off the tree and began walking again, your thoughts drifted back to Rosie. Every time you looked into her eyes, you saw hope, innocence, and a future that felt uncertain. You wanted to be the mother she deserved, to show her love and strength, but the weight of the world felt too heavy to carry alone.

You stopped again, this time looking up at the sky. The sun was starting to dip below the horizon, casting warm hues of orange and pink across the landscape. It was beautiful and calming, a stark contrast to the chaos in your heart. You took a deep breath, letting the fresh air fill your lungs, trying to ground yourself in the moment.

But just as the beauty around you began to ease your mind, the thoughts of Joel flooded back in. The way he had looked at you when you left, the pain etched into his features. You could feel the weight of his unspoken fears, his struggles, and the barriers he had built around himself. You understood that he was fighting his own demons, just as you were.

Maybe you both needed to find a way back to each other, to break through the walls that had formed between you in this chaotic world. But how could you do that when you felt so lost?

As the last rays of sun disappeared, darkness began to settle in, and a chill crept into the air. It was time to head back, back to the warmth of the home you had built with Joel and Rosie. You took one last look at the fading light, hoping that by returning, you could find a way to reconnect, to start rebuilding what had felt broken for so long.

As you made your way back through the woods, the tranquility of the setting sun was abruptly interrupted by a soft but unmistakable sound—a twig snapping underfoot, somewhere off to your right. Your heart quickened, instinctively alerting you to the potential danger lurking in the shadows.

You paused, scanning the area around you, the fading light casting long shadows among the trees. The woods felt eerily silent for a moment, as if the world was holding its breath, waiting for something to happen. The last rays of sun slipped away, and you strained to listen, your pulse pounding in your ears.

Another sound—a branch rustling, followed by the faint crunch of leaves. You took a step back, instinctively reaching for the small knife tucked into your belt. Your breath hitched as adrenaline coursed through you, heightening your senses.

"Hello?" you called out, your voice steady despite the fear creeping in. The response was silence, thick and heavy, adding to your anxiety. You couldn’t afford to let your guard down.

Your mind raced through the possibilities. It could be an animal, or worse—another person, someone with malicious intent. You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself. You were not helpless; you had survived this long for a reason.

You shifted your weight, ready to either fight or flee if necessary. “If you’re out there, you’d better show yourself!” you warned, your voice firm.

Suddenly, the underbrush shifted again, and a figure emerged from the trees, stepping into the dim light. Your heart dropped as recognition washed over you.

Joel emerged from the shadows, his expression a mix of concern and relief, and before he could say something. You felt a rush of conflicting emotions. The comfort of seeing him clashed with the frustration that had built up over the day. “I just needed some air,” you replied defensively. “Is that a crime?” you paused, “How did you know I was here?”

Joel stepped into the clearing, the tension in his shoulders easing slightly as he took in the sight of you. The mix of relief and frustration on his face mirrored your own. “It’s not the first time I find you hiding” he smiled at the memory of your first encounter.

You couldn’t help but feel a flicker of warmth at the memory he invoked. It was a different time, a different life when the world felt a bit less heavy. You recalled the first time you’d met Joel, crouched in the shadows of the quarantine zone, evading guards after a botched trade.

He had stumbled upon you, a rugged man with a wary gaze, just as you had thought you’d gotten away. You could still picture his surprised expression when he found you hiding behind a pile of crates. “What are you doing back here?” he had asked, his voice low and gravelly.

“Just… waiting for the right moment to slip away,” you had replied, trying to sound nonchalant despite the pounding of your heart.

“Seems like you’ve got a knack for getting into trouble,” he’d said, a hint of amusement in his tone. It had taken you aback, how this stranger could see through your bravado with just a few words.

You shook your head to push away the nostalgia, forcing your focus back to the present. “That was a long time ago,” you said, your voice steady despite the whirlwind of emotions churning inside you. “Things are different now.”

“I know they are,” Joel replied, his gaze unwavering. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t take a breather sometimes. It doesn’t make you weak.”

You stood up straighter, still holding the knife but no longer on edge. “I needed to clear my head,” you replied, your voice calm but firm. “I needed to feel like I could still do this. Like I’m not just—”

“Just what?” Joel interrupted, stepping closer. His voice softened, and for the first time in days, you saw the raw emotion in his eyes. “You’re more than just a mother, you know that.”

You swallowed hard, the weight of his words hitting you. “It doesn’t feel that way,” you admitted, your voice wavering. “I’ve lost myself, Joel. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know if I can do this—be a mother, be what Rosie needs. Be what you need.”

Joel’s face softened, and he closed the distance between you, his hand reaching out to gently touch your arm. “You don’t have to do it alone,” he said, his voice low. “I’m here. I’ve always been here.”

You shook your head, pulling back slightly, the doubt still gnawing at you. “But it’s not the same. You were gone, and I— I handled everything, but it feels like I’m failing now. I’m not enough.”

Joel stepped closer again, his hand reaching out to cradle your face. “You’re more than enough,” he whispered, his eyes searching yours. “I know it’s been hard, and I know I haven’t been the easiest to deal with. But you’ve been strong. You’ve done more than anyone could ask. And you don’t have to prove anything to anyone—not to me, not to Paul, not to yourself.”

Tears welled up in your eyes as you looked at him, the vulnerability and exhaustion finally catching up to you. “I just… I just wanted to remember who I was before all of this. Before I became—”

Joel cut you off, his voice soft but firm. “You haven’t lost who you are. You’re still you, just… more. More love, more strength, more everything.”

His words hit you in a way you hadn’t expected. The knife slipped from your hand, falling to the ground with a soft thud. You reached up, covering your face with your hands as the tears came, the weight of everything finally crashing down on you.

Joel didn’t hesitate. He pulled you into his arms, holding you close as you cried into his chest, his hands running gently through your hair. “You don’t have to carry this alone,” he murmured. “I’ve got you.”

For the first time in a long time, you believed him.

After what felt like hours but was probably only minutes, you pulled back, wiping your eyes. Joel looked at you with such tenderness, his thumb brushing away a stray tear. “Come on,” he said softly. “Let’s go home.”

You nodded.

Joel leaned in, his eyes searching yours for a moment, as if he was asking for permission. You held your breath, feeling the tension in the air shift, charged with an unspoken understanding. Then, he closed the distance, pressing his lips to yours gently.

The kiss was soft at first, hesitant but filled with a warmth that spread through you like sunlight breaking through the clouds. You melted against him, feeling the weight of the world start to lift as you leaned into his embrace.

He pulled back slightly, his forehead resting against yours. “There’s that spark I’ve been missing,” he whispered, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

You chuckled softly, feeling a mixture of relief and affection.

“I love you,” Joel said, his voice earnest and filled with emotion. “I’m sorry for everything—everything I’ve done, everything I’ve said that made you feel alone. You deserve so much more than I’ve given you.”

His admission hung in the air, and you could feel your heart swell at his words. “You’re the reason I’m alive, Joel,” you replied softly. “I don’t think I would have made it this far without you. You gave me hope when I thought I had lost it all.”

He shook his head, his eyes glistening with sincerity. “No, you don’t understand. I don’t know where I’d be without you. You saved me in ways I can’t even begin to explain. You brought light back into my life when all I felt was darkness.”

A lump formed in your throat, and you felt the tears welling up again. “We saved each other, Joel. This isn’t just you. We’re in this together, and we always will be.”

He smiled, a mixture of relief and gratitude in his expression. “Together, then,” he said, the weight of his past starting to lift as he looked into your eyes.

Joel leaned in once more, capturing your lips in a more passionate kiss, filled with the promise

“Just promise me you won’t go hiding again,” he said, a teasing glint in his eyes. “Because I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

You laughed lightly, a sound that felt foreign but welcomed. “Deal. I’ll try to stay where you can find me.”

“Good,” he replied, a satisfied grin spreading across his face. “Now, let’s get back to our girl before she thinks we’ve run off to join the circus.”

You chuckled at the thought, the tension that had hung over you both starting to fade. “I think she’d prefer a home-cooked meal over a circus,” you said, feeling lighter as you linked your arm with his.

“Home-cooked meals it is, then,” Joel agreed, guiding you back through the trees, the path familiar beneath your feet. “And maybe some ice cream for dessert. I think we’ve earned it.”

As you walked, hand in hand, you felt a warmth blooming in your chest, a sense of hope that had been absent for far too long. The forest around you seemed to come alive, birds chirping and leaves rustling in the gentle breeze, echoing the newfound peace settling within you.

You reached the edge of the woods, the lights of Jackson glowing softly in the distance, and as you stepped back into that familiar world, you knew that whatever challenges lay ahead, you would face them together.

With a smile, you glanced up at Joel, and in that moment, you realized that home wasn’t just a place—it was wherever the two of you were together. “Let’s go home,” you said, feeling the weight of the world lift off your shoulders.

“Yeah,” Joel replied, his expression softening as he looked at you. “Home.”

Tags 💌: @jasminedragoon @orcasoul @missladym1981 @hiroikegawa @eleganthottubfun @lumpypoll @cuteanimalmama @thespookywookies @goodvibesonly421 @karaslqve @greenwitchfromthewoods @somedayheaven @bambisweethearts @joelsteinfeld @guelyury @biapascal @picketniffler @mrsyixingunicorn10 @httpvomitello @kulekehe @callmecath1 @persephone-girl @colmiillo @pedroswife69 @keileighr @capswife @fallout-girl219 @sullyselena @cymbalta-slut @my-tearsricochet

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thecharacterchronicler · 7 months ago

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Perform || Coriolanus Snow x Reader || Smut

Outline: You get married to Coriolanus Snow, a powerful man that you don’t even know, and try to adjust to your new life as his wife.

Word count: 3’500

Warnings: Arranged marriage, explicit smut and probably a few mistakes here and there because English isn’t my first language.

Author’s note: This may or may not be a prequel to There Will Come A Ruler. I’m not sure it fits all the details as it wasn’t planned but inspiration suddenly struck me so here it is.

The room went dead silent as soon as you passed the threshold, numerous pairs of eyes turning to stare at you. There wasn’t a single familiar face among the men standing around the large desk, previously hunched over a pile of papers. You knew that they would never be able to tell how intimidated you felt under their severe gazes, you knew how to fake confidence better than anyone… However, two pale blue eyes seemed to be staring right into your soul, as if he knew.

“Great timing, we just finalized the contract.” One of the older man in a suit said, seemingly wanting to break the cold silence that weighted heavily on your shoulders. You nodded without a word, approaching the desk, coming to a stop next to the youngest man, the one with the unsettling eyes.

You turned your head to look at him more closely and his eyes darted away instantly, landing on a distant object at the opposite side of the office. He stood straight, his head held high and his arms crossed behind his back, impassible.

When you entered the room, he seemed to be radiating with light in the darkness of the office, surrounded by men in boring black suits while his was made out of an immaculate white fabric. Combined with the paleness of his skin and his carefully combed back blond curls, he resembled the image of an angel you had seen on a very ancient painting once. But his indifference towards you, and the icy stare he gave you, made it clear that you wouldn’t find solace in him.

“I reviewed the contract at your family’s request and made sure everything is in your best interest.” The man who had spoken to you already said again, handing you the very last page of the pile of documents on the table and an elegant pen to sign it with.

You didn’t doubt that the lawyer your family had hired was competent and probably too scared by them to dare make a mistake while establishing a contract in your name with an army of other lawyers in the room but you still felt compelled to take a look at the full file in front of you, ignoring the pen he was still holding for you to take.

Maybe it was a desperate attempt to gain time on your part more than a necessity to double check the terms and conditions of the agreement you were meant to sign but, as you glanced towards the man in white, you were pretty sure you saw the hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, although he was still determined to not look at you directly.

Some clauses written on the paper seemed reasonable, others were more restrictive and some downright affected your freedom and free will but you knew you wouldn’t be able to negotiate anything better. You wouldn’t dare try anyway, everyone had been telling you what a privilege it was for you and what an honor it was for your family to be offered such an opportunity. Even in the high society of the Capitol, it didn’t happen often for a girl who had just graduated from the Academy to secure such an interesting match. It was even more rare that such a match didn’t require to be seduced in order to arrange a marriage...

“Everything seems in order.” You finally said, after taking your time to read each paragraph of the contract, ignoring the lawyers’ growing frustration and impatience around you.

“I can attest that it is.” The one lawyer meant to be on your side confirmed and, even if you felt the urge to tell him that he could have done better - or at least come to an agreement that wouldn’t force you to produce heirs in a few years - you quietly nodded, taking the pen he was offering you and writing your name at the bottom of the last page.

You paused for a moment, admiring your handwriting in black ink, a small gesture that sealed your future.

It was a privilege. An honor. One that you couldn’t refuse.

You took a step back and turned to the man in white, handing him the pen. He took it without looking at you, hunching his tall frame over the desk to sign his name next to yours in elegant calligraphied letters.

Coriolanus Snow.

You managed to take a deep but silent breath, the implications of the contract you had both signed downing on you. Your life was about to change forever, you’d have to leave your home, your family, everything and start a whole new life, with a man you didn’t even know. He was a complete stranger to you, all you knew about him was that he was the youngest head game maker for the Hunger Games in history, the protégé of Doctor Gaul herself and that, as if it wasn’t enough already, he had announced that he’d be campaigning to become the next president of Panem.

“Well, I hope you’ll be satisfied with the agreement, Mrs Snow.” Your lawyer said, but you didn’t realize right away that you were the one he was addressing, your new last name sounding foreign.

You forced a smile at him, watching as all the men slowly walked out of the office, leaving you on your own with your new husband. A shiver ran down your spine as the door closed behind them, a cold breeze caressing your skin. Coriolanus finally turned to face you, his icy eyes staring into your soul once again.

“I’ll meet you at the altar in three days.” He declared, emotionless. You quietly nodded, too intimidated to say a word. You knew that - much like the official documents you had signed already making you his wife - your wedding ceremony would be nothing like you envisioned it to be.

Time flew by after that. You had spent it feeling mostly overwhelmed by the amount of things you were expected to do before the ceremony. You had to pack your belongings, decide what you’d take with you to your husband’s manor and what could be left behind, attend various appointments meant to get you to beauty base zero before your very public wedding and - even if you didn’t have a say in the preparations - you still had to make sure everything would look flawless on the big day, including yourself.

Your family’s chauffeur drove you to the venue early in the morning where a team of people were ready to take care of your hair, nails and makeup and would help you get into the gorgeous white dress that was selected for you by your new husband and his own team. You watched as your reflection kept changing in the mirror in front of you, making you look like a glamorous bride… The only thing missing to such a perfect portrait was a genuine glint of happiness in your eyes.

Once you were ready to face the crowd of onlookers, news reporters and photographers posted outside the venue - hoping to catch a glimpse of the newlyweds on their way out after the ceremony - the people who had prepared you left, leaving you on your own in the luxurious suit, barely recognizing the person facing you in the mirror.

The short hour before the ceremony felt like agony, your hands shaking in fear of not being good enough to live up to everyone’s expectations and your chest constricted with anxiety. You couldn’t help but wonder what people would think of you when they’ll see you in your bridal attire. Would they think you were a good match for a man as important as Coriolanus Snow ? See you as worthy to potentially become the First Lady of Panem ? Would they think you were a cute couple, or see you as an ill match ? And what about him ? Would he find you beautiful when you’ll walk down the aisle to him ?

A firm knock on the door saved you from drowning in your anxious thoughts. You were expecting your family’s lawyer to come by and give you a few advices on how to live your new life without inadvertently breaking some of the terms of the contract you had signed. You also knew the wedding organizer would show up to give you a few pointers for the ceremony and your public appearance after it…

But, when you opened the door, a surprised gasp escaped your lips. Coriolanus was devastingly handsome in a tailored white suit, more fitting and luxurious than the one he wore when you had met him three days earlier. There wasn’t a single strand of his blond hair out of place, not a trace of dark circles under his blue eyes while your team had spent almost an entire hour trying to conceal yours after the sleepless nights you had had.

He smiled at you in a way you weren’t certain was genuine and held up a huge bouquet of white roses, tied together by a blood red satin ribbon. You understood it was yours to walk down the aisle with, the flowers matching the one pinned to the lapel of his jacket.

“Thank you.” You said, as you took the flowers. He was looking at you without any hint of admiration in his gaze, as if the hours your team had spent on your hair and makeup and the expensive wedding gown you were wearing didn’t affect him at all. As if he still couldn’t care less about you… “I’ve heard it’s bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony.”

He huffed a mocking laughter at your words.

“Good thing we’re already legally married then.” He countered, the reminder adding to the panic in the pit of your stomach. “This ceremony is just meant to give them a good show.”

You knew that, of course. It was your duty - as his wife - to publicly appear by his side and pretend that you were overjoyed about it all. You were meant to help him build a flawless reputation so that he may eventually become president one day and you knew that his popularity was determined by how much the people could relate to him, or at least feel included in parts of his life. Soon, you’d be introduced to them as Mrs Snow and you couldn’t afford to mess up.

You turned around to place the beautiful - but surprisingly heavy - bouquet of roses on the vanity, hearing the door closing behind your back. When you looked over your shoulder, he was standing behind you, clearly expecting something from you although you weren’t sure what.

It was the first time you were fully alone with him, in such proximity to each other, and his intimidating posture added to the way his eyes darkened when they met yours made you feel quite weary, as if you were suddenly in some kind of imminent danger.

“Now turn around so I can make sure you’re ready.” He demanded, his voice slightly lower than usual.

You obeyed without a word, slowly spinning around twice as you felt the weight of his analyzing stare on you, making your body tingle with an odd electric sensation. Once you were face to face with him again, you couldn’t tell if he was satisfied or not by the way you looked, his expression serious and unreadable. A heavy silence lingered between you as you desperately hoped to hear a few words of affirmation to boost your confidence a bit… He didn’t say any but he took a step closer, his face closer to yours than what would be deemed acceptable between two strangers. He pushed a strand of hair away from your forehead, his eyes briefly plunging into yours before his hand traveled down to your mouth. He traced your lips with his thumb, fading out your lipstick slightly.

“I hope you paid attention to the wedding night clause on our contract.” He spoke, almost in a whisper. “Because as soon as we’ll be done performing for the crowd, I’m going to make you mine.”

Your body shuddered in response, and you weren’t quite sure if it was because it made you nervous or if because such a promise actually excited you somehow. You didn’t have time to think about it anyway, another knock on the door forcing you apart. The wedding organizer announced that the ceremony was about to start, forcing Coriolanus out of your suite, visibly oblivious to the tension that tainted the atmosphere between you. You took a deep breath to compose yourself, grabbed your bouquet and folllwed them out, ready to perform.

You spent the whole ceremony in a daze, not quite realizing what was happening or what anyone was saying. But you still managed to say the one thing everyone expected of you; I do. You smiled as the crowd erupted in cheers, made sure to keep your eyes open despite the blinding flashing lights of the cameras on you and took the time to greet everyone of importance that was in attendance that day. When your new husband had to kiss you in front of hundred of curious faces staring at both of you, he did it softly and chastely which almost felt a bit disappointing considering the authority and confidence he had spoken with earlier. But it sure was a cute picture for the tabloids.

You returned to the mansion he owned in the most expensive and luxurious area of the Capitol and were showed to your new bedroom by a maid, noting how your belongings had already been unpacked and organized to make you feel at home. It was only after she helped you out of your wedding gown and into a more practical and relaxed dress that you realized that this bedroom was yours and yours only. There wasn’t a single item that looked like it could belong to your new husband, none of his clothes in the dressing room, none of the products he put on his hair to keep them perfectly combed back throughout the day in the bathroom. And, even though this man was still a complete stranger to you, you still felt a hint of disappointment at the realization that he wasn’t planning on spending any of his time with you if none of his potential supporters could witness it.

He still had been thoughtful enough to ask another one of his employees to deliver a black box to your bedroom, an unexpected wedding present. You opened it as soon as you were all alone and your eyes widened in shock, discovering some lingerie made out of the thinnest and softest lace you ever touched. It was a gorgeous set that complimented your skin tone so well, it almost looked like it had been made specifically for you.

You tried the pieces on, surprised to see how each of them fitted you perfectly and comfortably. However, even if you felt pretty good in your new lingerie, you felt too awkward to go find your husband with nothing else on, so you pulled your dress back over the lace, hiding everything from view, before you walked out of your bedroom, determined to find Coriolanus in the huge mansion you now shared with him.

You easily found him downstairs, sitting on a teal sofa in front of a modern chimney. He was reading with his ankle resting on top of his knee. He looked up to you as soon as you stepped into the living room, immediately folding his newspaper to give you his full attention.

“Is your new bedroom at your convenience ?” He asked, politely.

“Absolutely.” You replied, nervously fidgeting with your hands as you stood in front of him. “And thank you for the wedding present.”

“Does it fit you ?”

“Yes, perfectly.”

“Take off your clothes then.” He demanded, and you wondered how he managed to sound so intimidating despite sitting down and you, towering over him.

“Here ? Now ?” You exclaimed, looking around for house employees.

“I think I’ve waited long enough.” He declared, unwavering. “So take them off or I will.”

You did as he requested, nervously removing your casual dress so that you stood in nothing but your new lingerie in front of him. His icy gaze roamed your body from head to toe, his expression still too closed off to tell if he liked what he saw or not.

He stood up, bringing his hand to your chest and tracing the outline of the lace over your breast with a finger. Goosebumps rose on your skin in reaction, your heart beating faster so close to where he was touching you.

“Turn.” He commanded and you obeyed, feeling slightly more confident in this perfectly fitting set than you did in your wedding dress. You felt his hands on your body again, tugging the lower part of the ensemble down your thighs agonizingly slowly. Did it mean he didn’t like it ? Or was he simply curious to see what was underneath the thin lace fabric ? “Lie down.”

He gestured to the couch he was sitting on a minute ago. You followed his command, your head resting on a soft satin pillow and your knees pulled back to you to leave him enough room to join you. He sat down, fully removing the piece of underwear around your thighs and you shivered when he pushed your knees apart, once again analyzing your body with a critical gaze.

He leaned forward and you gasped when you felt the warmth and wetness of his tongue between your folds, tracing a few circles around your clit before moving down to your entrance. He sat back straight, an amused grin on his face as he licked his glistening lips and took in the shocked expression on your face.

“I needed to know how my wife tastes.” He explained, your body tingling with excitement. He opened up his trousers, pulling his long and hard erection out. Your eyes widened, taking in his size, which seemed to amuse him yet again. “You can take it.”

He sounded pretty confident about that but you weren’t so sure. You didn’t get the chance to protest though, because he immediately moved to align himself up with your entrance and pushed his tip through it without hesitation.

You gasped at the burning sensation, your fingers tightening around the edges of the couch. A satisfied groan rumbled in his throat as he kept pushing himself in, inch by inch until he was fully buried inside you and you couldn’t remember how to breathe correctly.

It wasn’t as pleasant to you as it seemed to be to him at first, your walls still stretching to accommodate his girth and length while he took advantage of the tighteness ensnaring him to push himself as deeply as he could.

It was too much. Way too much. But, just as you considered asking him to pause, suddenly your body stopped resisting him, welcoming him instead, allowing his cock to slide back and forth in rythym with the way he rolled his hips against you, causing a warm and tingly sensation to bubble up deep in your core.

You looked at him, holding himself above you with his strong arms on each side of the couch, his muscles carved under his pale skin. A blond lock of hair bouncing against his forehead in synch with his movements and his eyes were glued to yours, attentive to how your traits changed each time he modified the pace of his thrusts.

Soon, it felt like too much again, but in a good way. You felt close to imploding from how good it felt to have him hitting inside you at a relentless rythym.

You turned your head to the side, hoping the pillow would help silence your moans, worried that every employee in the mansion might hear the uncontrollable sounds of pleasure that kept resonating inside the living room.

“Look at me.” He immediately ordered, not waiting for you to obey as his hand flew to your face, turning your head so that you’d face him again. His fingers then dropped lower, wrapping around your neck, causing the whimpers escaping from your mouth to sound a lot more desperate. “I want to see what you’ll look like when you’ll come as I’ll fill you up.”

A few more thrusts of his hips, his tip hitting the perfect spot inside of you and you felt your whole body contracting intensely, your core tightening around him as you cried out in pleasure, closing your eyes and your mouth dropping open in shock at the intensity of the wave of sheer bliss that ran through your whole body.

“So beautiful.” He commented, his eyes fixed on you in genuine admiration this time. His labored breaths got louder and he climaxed, his erection throbbing as it spurt out a load of hot cum deep inside you.

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starkitxxz · 3 months ago

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Apricity

(noun) The warmth of the sun in winter

Sol x gn!reader

Day 2 spoilers!

I HAD TO RECHECK EVERY PARAGRAPH FOR THIS AND IM PROBABLY GOING TO MAKE PART 2 ONCE I GET PROPER SLEEP

ANYWAY I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS ONE <33

(Thank you for the votes in the poll btw i love yalll😚😚)

Word count: 1.5k+

“It’s covered in snow,” Sol’s eyes narrowed at the sight of the rooftop covered in a pile of fluffy snow, despite the sun emitting light above. He adjusted his scarf while Hyugo rubbed his chin, pondering whether or not they should return inside.

However, they didn’t want to hang out in the cafeteria.

Loud noises and huge crowds were something Sol disliked greatly. No matter how snuggly the room is because of the heater, Hyugo wants his best friend to feel comfortable. He's Sol’s only best friend.

“We can just sweep it off from the bench,” Hyugo suggested as he approached their usual spot, brushing the flakes of snow away with his gloved hands.

You and Sol stood there, hesitating whether or not you both want to sit on the bench around the cold, snow filled area. As much as you don’t want to stay and possibly succumb to hypothermia, your stomach growled in hunger. You don’t have a choice, unless you want to witness another possible food fight happening in the cafeteria.

And neither did Sol want to witness that.

“Are you two going to stand there or eat?” Hyugo asks as he grows impatient, wanting to munch on Sol’s lunch that he made for him, just like what Sol promised… Since Hyugo (purposely) forgot his lunch.

You both sat beside each other next to Hyugo. You shiver from how cold it is, despite wearing the coziest accessory you can find. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to keep you warm, due to the fact that you forgot your scarf at your apartment.

Maybe if you searched through your closet once more, you will find something warmer than a scarf.

Sol on the other hand, opened his lunch box. Your mouth watered at the sight of his meal, and you were not the only one admiring it.

“Sunny! Why didn’t you tell me you made these?” Hyugo’s eyes lit up in delight, ready to fill his starving stomach.

Delicious small chocolate chip brownies adorned with a strawberry each and white icing sat on his container. Carefully made into perfection, displaying a scrumptious treat before you.

You took notice of the strawberries representing cute Santa hats, judging from the little icing on top.

Hyugo reached out to take one, earning a glare from Sol, but he let him do so.

He nibbled on the treat, and a satisfied ‘Mmm’ came out of his mouth.

Sol’s eyes widen slightly in surprise as Hyugo takes another brownie.

“Mmm, [reader] you should try it! It’s so good!” Hyugo said as he swallowed his first brownie, proceeding to nibble on the second one.

Curious, you take one from the container and try it, holy shit.

You can taste the chocolatey goodness from the brownie, as well as the ripe sweetness of the strawberry. It melted in your mouth as you chewed it.

“Sol, this is delicious!” You praised, taking another portion from the lunchbox. You can’t help but wonder, how does he manage to make his lunch so mouthwatering?

It was like he has been training for years to cook irresistibly appetizing treats. Cut and cooked perfectly like the carrots for homemade curry that one night. It was so scrumptious.

You can’t seem to remember much from that moment, but you definitely need to take cooking notes from him.

Hyugo took 2 brownies and munched on them, like a little kid feasting on sugary cookies that had been left for Santa to eat.

Sol grabbed one for himself and bit on his creation, pleased by what he made when he couldn’t sleep earlier. He made sure it’s all perfect and appetizing for you.

And why can't he earn enough rest for himself? He was busy stalking you.

“Mm, not bad,” He mumbled as he savored the sweet and acidic taste of the strawberry.

Not much time has passed and the container is already empty. The cold breeze was hitting your skin once more. You turned your gaze to Hyugo, eating the last piece of the chocolate chip brownie.

“You should really make more of these,” Hyugo said with food in his mouth, eventually swallowing it.

“So you can eat off my budget?”

“Hey, I have duties, you know?” Hyugo frowned

“Whatever” Sol packed his lunch box and sighed, his attention focused on you as you drank your water bottle.

“If you brought those for the winter party, I would finish it all.” You said with a grin, holding the nearly empty plastic water bottle in your gloved hand.

Hyugo nodded, “I agree, It’s a great snack for us and the guests!”

You know he will make the best Christmas themed brownies for the party. A little persuading won’t hurt. After all, you love what he cooks and bakes.

“Please Sol? I will really appreciate it and you know I can’t resist your delicious treats”

A sigh escaped Sol’s mouth, complying to your wishes. He will never deny you and your cravings for food. He loves to make food for you.

He’d do anything for you.

Anything. For his one and only soulmate.

Another gust of cool air made contact with your skin, a cold and numbing sensation filled you.

You looked up and saw soft hail falling from the gray skies above. Amidst the cloudy skies and snowfall, the luminous sun remained shining. A fascinating phenomenon.

You reached a hand out, catching a snowflake in your palm.

“It’s snowing again,” Hyugo uttered as he looked up as well

Sol stared at the snowy view of cities, roads, and cars. Sidewalks covered with a pile of snow, street lamps filling the town with warm light, and local stores selling candy canes and gingerbread cookies.

It all made you homesick, hoping to celebrate and experience Christmas with your family. Maybe one day, you’ll finally pay off their debt.

A snowflake landed on Sol’s lap, shaped beautifully and remarkably unique. As more snow piled up, your teeth began to chatter from the freezing temperature. Looks like you’re gonna need an extra layer of clothes and scarves soon.

Unexpectedly, soft black fabric wrapped around your torso. A wave of warmth fueled your body, keeping you safe from the bitterly cold weather.

You glance at your side and to your surprise, Sol turns his head away from you. His face flushed as his body tensed from the generous act he did. Hyugo gave you both a side-eye, deciding to stay quiet.

He found it too cheesy.

“Thank you, you really don’t have to thou-”

Sol cut you off, “No, I insist,” facing you with a gentle smile.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, keep it if you like” a smile appeared on his face, his red-orange eyes gazing at you lovingly.

You catched a whiff of his cologne from the jacket he offered, a scent that made you feel so comfortable. You can’t help but wish to smell it again–

Puff.

An audible soft puff was heard from the snowball thrown at Sol’s cheek by the blue haired guy. A playful grin on his face as another snowball is thrown directly at your face, hitting your temple.

Hyugo earned a piercing glare from Sol, before he stood up and knelt on one knee. Gathering a clump of snow, forming it into a snowball.

Hyugo immediately knew what he was about to do, so then he announced:

“SNOWBALL FIGHT!”

At the rooftop, you decided to join them, hitting both Sol and Hyugo with snowballs. Although, you were met with the cold and stinging sensation of snow as they threw snow at you as well.

Sol and Hyugo threw clumps of snow at each other, and you were on Sol’s side. Hyugo frowned at the unfair setup against him, balls of snow hitting his face and clothes. Luckily no one is going to scold anyone here on the rooftop.

The game did not last as the teacher found you, Sol, and Hyugo on the rooftop, throwing snowballs at each other.

Unlucky you, accidentally throwing one at the teacher themself. Guaranteed a pass to the principal’s office.

Yet, at the end of the day, the trio skipped their next class and drank warm hot chocolate at a cozy cafe nearby.

You kept the jacket on the way home, and whenever you would try to give it back to Sol, he insisted. "Keep it to stay warm," he said.

In reality, he desires to see you sleep with it whenever he visits you at midnight.

[BONUS]

“Ugh, why is it so cold?” Brittney complained as she rubbed both of her arms, earning the temporary heat of friction.

Her sweater was folded neatly on the table, stained with fresh mushroom soup from the food fight earlier. Damn it, she muttered. Cursing that one random dude for causing this.

“The heater might've broken down again,” a sigh escaped Crowe’s lips. “It’ll be fixed soon, I hope…”

Geo scoffed, “Yeah no, someone unintentionally threw food at it”

Crowe’s frustration grew, his brows knitted as he wore a pair of gloves

He’s right, the heater got a food blockage. Thanks to another immature idiot who kept throwing chunks of their pudding at different areas in the place. Staining the walls, floor, and students clothes

Jess sat beside Brittney and Crowe, quietly reading a book she bought a few days ago. Unbothered by the freezing temperature, the earmuffs and extra layer of clothing helped her a lot.

“I wonder where [reader] and their new friends are-”

“I SAW [READER] AND THEIR LUNCH BUDDIES ENTER THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE!” yelled Deryl as he bursted into the room, earning the attention of other students.

“WHAT?!” The group exclaimed.

To be continued…?

#solivan brugmansia #tkatb sol #tkatb vn #fanfic #the kid at the back sol #the kid at the back vn #mdni #writing #holiday fanfic #tkatb hyugo #tkatb crowe #hyugo sugimoto

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lilithofpenandbook · 8 months ago

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In Snape's memories in DH, one line that's stuck with me is 'Perhaps we Sort too soon'. It's clear Dumbledore's implying Snape isn't truly a Slytherin, despite being Sorted there. Maybe he's saying that when Snape was a first year, he might have shown Slytherin tendencies, but Dumbledore thinks that if he hadn't been put there, if he'd grown a little and had become a little more stable, the Hat would have put Snape elsewhere.

And here's the thing: students can influence the Hat. What's most likely is that Snape asked to be put in Slytherin, and the Hat agreed. But maybe if he'd been given more time to adjust, he wouldn't have made that request because he could have seen all four houses. And honestly, I see that moment, when Snape got put in Slytherin as the moment he was doomed. Lucius Malfoy was the person to welcome him, and I doubt that he's in any way a good influence. The other Slytherins were definetely not a good influence, and Slughorn probably wouldn't have even noticed what's happening to the smaller, weaker slytherins. By Snape going there, in his state, he's just been doomed to make every wrong choice and end up the way he did.

Either way, the idea that Snape isnt a true Slytherin just interests me, and so I was thinking which house Dumbledore thinks he should have been. Part of me thought maybe Gryfindor, considering Dumbledore had called him brave just before that. But Snape doesn't really seem like a Gryfindor to me. Actually, he seems to be more of a Ravenclaw, really. He likes strange subjects that most people misunderstand- just like how they misunderstood his interest in the dark arts, most people misunderstand Luna Lovegood later on. He's intelligent, a trait always accosiated with Ravenclaws. He's cunning, yes, but he's just intelligent in general. Heck, he basically rewrote his potions books (I doubt he only did it in that single text book), and invented spells, and I dont think any other character did so. Ravenclaw would have fit.

Well, I was nosing around the offical site's articles, and I found one on how people could have been missorted and who. And Snape was one of them. And I'm just gonna show the paragraph

Hufflepuff. The one house I was sure he didn't fit in, and yet... it's not wrong. Snape's primary motivation is love. And it always has been. He's the way he is because he was completely unloved. He took a definite dive down a darker path because he lost love. Calling Lily a mudblood killed their friendship, and that's his worst memory, not nearly being murdered, his worst memory is on love he destroyed. It's love that led him to betray Voldemort, to leave the group where he was respected and feared and return to the place where he had some of the worse memories of his life, surrounded by the adults who were not there when they should have been. His loyalty and love for Lily led him down that path. His loyalty to Dumbledore is what let him kill Dumbledore even though he knew he was gonna lose everything he'd gained. And his loyalty to Harry is what made him so furious when Dumbledore wanted Harry to die.

Ultimately, ironically one of the most hateful people in Hogwarts is actually ruled by his loyalty and love. And so now I'm starting to think maybe he actually was always a Hufflepuff. Maybe, he was always supposed to be kind and helpful, but instead the universe decided to break Severus Snape and make him the way he is. The kid who got Sorted into Slytherin wasn't whole, wasn't okay. Slytherin just doomed him on that first day.

Just changing that one detail could have saved everyone.

#harry potter #severus snape #pro snape #snape could have been someone else had he not been essentially thrown into the house where a lil cult was growing #snape actually being a hufflepuff is still blowing my mind by the way i geniunely expected ravenclaw or gryfindor

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nerdygaymormon · 1 month ago

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What do you think about the new changes to the Handbook?

Someone else asked me about this earlier today and it surprised me because I didn't know about any recent changes. So I did some exploring and I think what happened is Latter Gay Stories shared that an Area Authority has decided speakers like Richard Ostler, Ben Schilaty and Charlie Bird are no longer permitted to speak at LGBTQ-focused "events" in LDS meetinghouses, and referred to a section of the Handbook to justify his decision. Latter Gay Stories then made a post about this section and called it a "recent" change, and that got everyone's attention.

The changes being referred to happened several years ago and caused quite a stir and a lot of pushback, and soon the policy was adjusted with the addition of the phrase "in a way that detracts from meetings focused on the Savior." The addition of that phrase essentially defanged what could've been a very harsh policy.

Below is a screenshot of a paragraph in section 38.1.1 of the Handbook, which looks the same as it has for several years

Do I wish that "sexual orientation and other personal characteristics" was not included? Yes. They shouldn't have been paired with political statements because political beliefs are changeable and a choice. As for personal characteristics, there's so many, such as race, ethnicity, skin color, disability, gender, age, and so on, so why single out sexual orientation?

I believe whoever got this sentence included in the Handbook did intend for it to silence any mention of queerness at church, but because of the outcry against such a policy, it got neutered.

If they truly want to enforce no talking about sexual orientation at church, that would be a HUGE change. Think of all the times someone new moves into the ward and they introduce themselves by telling about how they met their spouse, about their children, and so on. That's clearly talking about their sexual orientation and how they acted on it.

P.S. The restrictions on LGBTQ-focused "events" to not happen in LDS meetinghouses, that's limited to just some parts of Utah, it's not churchwide. There's an area presidency in Utah that takes very hard-line stances on LGBTQ topics.

#queerstake

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nor3gertz · 7 days ago

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hihi question... do you think p2 and p3 would ever tell each other they love each other.......

heyy yes they would (in my p2 x p3 au at least) but its kinda heavy

one fateful day p2 was relapsing bc he rly regretted shooting himself (ironic) and he's reminded of his ex-wife everytime he gets a migraine, when p3 was fooling around with him p3 noticed the change of demeanor and said to him if there's anything wrong, he's always open. p2 tried denying that he wasnt feeling off, to which p3 was a bit pissed because he can clearly tell from the way p2 doesnt grumble or whine or whatever to his annoying remarks. they kinda argued in a bro to bro way, p3's insistence to ask about p2's wellbeing was what set him off to lash out at p3. he cried in the process of it, and even said a few things that were a bit too hurtful for p3. p3's face lowkey looked like a sad puppy and p2 would usually be smug about it but he somehow felt GUILTY, which was weird to him because he never felt guilty when saying hateful shit to his ex-wife or anyone in general. probably because that person literally just asked him about his wellbeing. p2 immediately apologised for a quick second and sprinted to his room, locking the door behind. after probably 2-3 hours he walked out of the door and sat quietly next to p3 on the couch, p3 even though he was hurt, he just sat there completely still, watching some kinda soap opera there was on tv. p2 apologised for the abrasive behaviour and tried to laugh it off but p3 also apologised for forcefully asking about him. He also admitted that he never asked anyone about their wellbeing, not even his ex-wife. p3 then CONFESSES that he cares about p2 and that p2 was the first person for him to have a bit of empathy for someone else. p2 also confesses that he never had someone to care about him and he felt guilty for once in his life. they both had their similarities and that made them feel more empathetic to each other. this is not rly a romantic confession but its still a sign that they love each other.

they both hugged n crode together in the end btw

the romantic confession is another thing, in my au p3 was sucked into p2's world (maybe Paradise Lost never happened here, i'll make adjustments to that later) and he barged into p2's trailer as if it was his. their first encounter was pretty funny (to me at least) and p3 was like "urm can i be your trailermate or smth" and p2 even though he was pissed he took the opportunity to be a "landlord" and offered the couch to p3. but in one condition. p3 has to do the errands for him and p3 also needs to pay the rent as well. p3 just shrugs and accepts it.

its why i said this before, p2 takes over the Bitch's place. he just stays at home doing absolutely NOTHING most of the time (before he got a stable job anyway). sometimes he does go out and drags p3 along to be his henchman lmfao (its mostly just giving p3 the task to carry his shit for him as he goes on a killing spree, which pisses p3 off since he also wants to kill as well. let a man scratch his itch dude). somehow they get playful when they go out together, chasing each other, competing who can do this and that better, pulling pranks on people (read: throwing krotchy grenades at people), those little things kind of form a bond with each other, it feels intimate to them having to spend time like that. they've been trailermates for approximately 3 months since their first encounter.

after the relapsing episode i just wrote in the first paragraph, one day p3 started to ask p2 out to run errands with him. p2 said okay sure and they ended up... dating. went walks through the mall, window shopping n bought stuff (usually they'd steal but it was different that day), p3 actually paid for the stuff and when p3 bought p2 icecream he felt like p3 was awfully gentle the whole day. he said "are we on a date or something?" as a joke but p3 nonchalantly answered "sure, if you want it to be". it took him a while to finally realise that they were actually on a date. p2 was a fucking mess im telling you his head was blank as soon as p3 said that lol. even worse was that p3 brought him to watch the sunset at the rooftop of the book repository building. p2 cant THINK STRAIGHT. they both confessed they love each other indirectly in the end they were giggling and flirty and shit yayyyyyyy

also what the hell im writing a fucking fanfic over here holy shit!!!! idk if this answers your question anon whoops

#p2 x p3 #p2 #p3 #postal dude #postal 2 #postal 3 #dudecest #my asks #ramblings #hope ur happy with these long ass paragraphs #i kinda spoiled a few things from my fanfic yikesss oh well #as if im ever gonna finish the fanfic

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amaryllis-sagitta · 4 months ago

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The writing the writing I need to rant about the writing

The issue with companion quests and rendezvous is that they're, to a great extent, conversational, with some very basic mechanical filler to give player the illusion that they're doing something. So the brunt of character development falls to conversations we have with them. This wouldn't be the problem if conversations themselves weren't sooo all over the place.

I wrote before that the beginning suffers from severe first draft syndrome and most conversations could have been singular lines. Early exchanges between Neve & Harding are just fluff, and taking note of their differences could have been a single line. It... gets a little better in Act 2, but it's still padded with generic conversation fillers and painfully repetitive about the only points that matter. I swear I've had so many conversations where the same expository sentence was said to me twice or thrice about 2 paragraphs apart.

It's like they want to say something, they are able to pepper in some genuinely touching moments, but then the dialogue wheel minces it all into the blandest mix of responses you've ever seen, or it unnecessarily polarizes issues that already have buildup into simplistic choices. Examples: we encourage Taash to embrace a syncretic, multicultural identity and BAM! A CHOICE APPEARS LATER that further polarizes it in a way that's totally uncalled for. We build Harding up to overcome her fawning tendencies, to embrace her anger and to let herself feel justified in it so she can handle the bond with the Stone, or we can make her feel weird and unaccepted with her new abilities - and BAM! CHOICE because what would we do without reminding survivors that compassion and forgiveness are the socially expectable ways to go? I fear Emmrich is going to feel the same, after lichdom is built up as the pinnacle of his expertise and his greatest dream, only thwarted by the terrifying risk of him permadying in the ritual (because the risk of corruption of character, like it happened to Johanna, is quickly dismissed as something OOC for Emmrich). Choices that pop up in the middle of otherwise fairly linear arcs feel manufactured.

I thought I would begrudge UI explaining to me what my choices mean, but I started to need it at times, becuse the dialogue options by themselves fail to inform me what I'm about to do half the time. I'm in romance with Neve but the only input Rook has ever given in the Flirty options was "We have problems... but we are not alone..." I have genuinely no idea what the dynamic between characters is there. According to the Character tag line, Neve has "fallen unexpectedly".

Maybe it's because Rook feels completely disjointed from whatever is happening to them. The Zara/ Illario twist almost makes them stupid on purpose because the plot can't advance yet. My Shadow Rook had nothing to add when Zara almost uttered "amatus" once before Illario choked her, no, that exposition had to happen on Emmrich's dissection table.

I also don't understand this game's urge to summarize everything for the player after the proper conversation -- not just in the UI, not in the mission quest summaries, but also in the final cutscenes in Lighthouse after most our rendezvous. These are always the most awkward, low effort reiteration of the conversation that was held minutes ago. I feel like this was supposed to be the space to form some logical conclusions, but all they do is revert whatever poignant points have been made before to very superficial takes on the problem.

I also roll my eyes on the later Lighthouse "quests" where Rook is the HR department for companions' petty grievances that can be solved by minor communication adjustments. Only the Davrin/ Lucanis conflict feels like it has any meat because it involves ambitions tied to the main quest. Taash calling the old man Skullfucker is funny but it boils down to both parties needing to be better listeners. And why would Harding and Emmrich plan a trip to Ferelden that is being consumed and ravaged by the Blight to end all Blights in real time??? Did no-one proofread this???

My point is, I wouldn't be mad if companions were generally agreeable. I love hanging out with the girlies and nonbinaries because they get along so well. The banter heard throughout the map traversal is so, so, SO much better in this regard. It's structured like relational mini-arcs that feel really satisfying to witness. The Lighthouse mini-conflicts feel manufactured in comparison.

It's like the moments that matter occasionally poke their heads above a nondescript sea of grey goo and get dragged right back down by the ugly, eldritch tentacles of filler and redundancy.

It really, really, REALLY does not defeat the allegations that some points game wanted to make through that writing were explicitly prompted as a guideline... while everything else was left to a complex form of algorithm... that combines random generation... with imitation of holistically preserved states... of complex statistical operations... done on pre-collected source material...

#dragon age the veilguard #da the veilguard #datv #da meta #dragon age meta #veilguard critical #bioware critical

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nagujake · 17 days ago

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୨⎯Faking It: Part 1⎯୧

pairing: classmate!Theo x fem!reader

synopsis: you're the good student, never getting into any trouble, living a pretty bland life and always prioritizing school. Until a student from one of your classes approaches you with an insane proposal that you can't help but accept.

genre: strangers to lovers, college au, fake relationship

word count: 4.8k

warnings: None! Just lots of plot!

a/n: I want to release this in parts, maybe 2 or 3. I'm not sure yet but I hope you like it! Technically, the reader has a name in this story. It was a bit easier to write it this way. NOT PROOF READ

The chilly Seoul air sent shivers down my body. The leaves on the trees were starting to change from a light green to a bright orange and yellow, an exciting reminder that Autumn was just around the corner. Classes at school were just getting into full swing and the University was bustling with students and teachers racing from class to class but luckily, my class for the day got cancelled.

I was sitting in the outdoor seating at the campus cafe, studying for some exams I had coming up.

"Yujin!" I looked up from my laptop and looked around for the voice that called out my name. My best friend's bright smile made its way into my line of sight. "Hi Lina!" She raced over and sat down next to me, pulling out her laptop and chattering away to me about her latest boy toy.

This was a usual thing, it happened almost everyday but she made the conversation enthralling and it was entertaining hearing about all the men she was messing around with on a consistent basis.

"Yujin, are you hearing me right now?! He wants me to meet his parents! I don't even remember what this guy looks like, like I haven't even seen him in weeks". I started giggling "well you better figure it out girl, this sounds like a Lina problem" She rolled her eyes "Yujin, you don't even understand, boys don't like you!" I gasped and hit her arm "Lina! You bitch. It's not that boys don't want me, it's that I don't want these boys. They're all so childish and I'm more worried about my studies than a man" She rolled her eyes and went back to her laptop "I will find a man for you, don't worry" I just giggled and focused my attention back on my laptop.

We had been studying for about half an hour and Lina was starting to get antsy. "I can't sit here anymore, I'm gonna go into the cafe and get a drink and a snack, do you want anything?"

I sat there thinking for a moment "uh yea can you bring me back a banana nut muffin?!" She nodded and stood up, slowly making her way into the cafe.

I looked over to my books and read over a couple paragraphs before I was interrupted.

"Hey, Yujin right?" I quickly looked up at the unfamiliar voice.

I smiled up to the man "uh yeah.. you're Theo right?" He nodded and sat down in the chair on the opposite side of the table "I had a question". I adjusted in my chair and looked at him "ok?"

Theo was in my economics class, I had only ever talked to him once but he was a nice and quiet guy. He normally kept to himself most of the time.

"This is gonna sound insane but, can you be my girlfriend for a weekend?" I widened my eyes in shock "what do you mean for a weekend?" While his request was insane, I was curious to know more information. "My parents are having me go back to my hometown for a day or two and I need someone to be my pretend girlfriend for a couple days" He looked over at me, a shy smile playing along his lips.

I was kind of speechless. Why in the world was he asking me? "I have some questions first" he nodded "ask away" "For one, why do you need to pretend? and two, why are you asking me this?" I stared at him expectantly, genuinely awaiting his answers.

He smiled "I've avoided a lot of situations with the excuse that my girlfriend had something going on that I needed to be there for, so now of course they're gonna think I have a girlfriend. And I'm asking you because you're normal. You take your studies very seriously, you don't go out much, you're very kind and respectful"

I just looked at him straight faced "Theo that's crazy. Why wouldn't you just be honest with your family? And you're crazy for asking me". He let out a small scoff before responding "Yujin, I don't need a lecture about lying to them, I'm just asking you to do this for me" I sat forward in my seat, to get a little bit closer to him "Theo, I barely know you!" "Then let's get to know each other, it's a couple days, please. You're the only person that seems good enough for them. You're the perfect girl for me to have".

I closed my laptop to focus on him better "I need to think about it, when are they expecting you?" "Not this weekend but the next. Enough time for us to get to know each other better" I wasn’t going to accept his insane request, I’m not the type to do things like this at all but at the same time, how many times does this really happen?

"What's in it for me? What do I get out of this?" I asked sternly and he sighed "I don't know, what do you want?" I bit my lip, I don't know why but I wasn’t expecting him to ask what I wanted in return. I hadn’t thought this far. "I don't know right now, if I agree, I'll have to think about it but-”

Our conversation was cut short when Lina's loud shriek was heard at the sight of me and Theo. "Yujin! Who is thissss?!" She intentionally dragged out her sentence and I rolled my eyes. Theo and I both looked over at her and I sighed "this is Theo, he's in my Econ class" She giggled as she sat down, sliding my muffin over to me. "Hi Theo! I'm her bestie Lina" Theo just smiled at her without saying a word. There was an awkward silence between the 3 of us, with Lina just smiling at us. "Theo, how about you just put your number in my phone and I'll text you" I pulled out my phone and unlocked it, passing it over to him. He quickly put his number in and passed it back.

He stood up and smiled "I'll talk to you later Yujin" I smiled and nodded to him and we watched him walk away.

"Oh my god Yujin, how did I not know about him? He's cute" I rolled my eyes at her "don't corrupt him, he's a good guy". She giggled "oh I won't, he's yours" I shook my head and started to pack up my books and laptop. "Lina, I'm gonna go home and relax for a while. I'll call you later" "No! Don't go yet" she pouted her lips at me "no, don't give me that. You have boys to tend to and I wanna go home" She huffed and threw her arms down "fine, I'll talk to you later!"

I grabbed my bag and threw it over my shoulder "see ya". I quickly rushed away, wanting to get home as quickly as I could.

~~~~

I threw my book bag down on the bench next to the front door and was greeted by my puppy "Hi Lune, were you a good girl today?" I gave her a few pets and continued into my apartment. My roommate was sat on the couch "Hey!" "Hey, did you let Lune outside yet?" "Yeah we just came in!" I nodded in response and went into my room to change.

I flopped onto my bed and opened my phone, just scrolling through my social media. This was my usual routine. Just sitting on my phone and doing school work. I didn't have much of a life outside of school. Lina was really my only close friend, but we are very different people. She loved to party, drink and was always out. I was always at home, worrying about school.

I laid there, biting my lip while pulling up Theo's contact. Theo was a sweet guy, and maybe this wouldn't be so bad. It would definitely give me something to do since Lina was always busy. I hovered over the call button, debating on if I wanted to do this or not.

Fuck it.

The phone started to ring and I brought it to my ear. After a few rings, Theo's voice greeted me "hello?" "It's me Theo" "Yujin! I didn't think you would even get back to me". I anxiously smiled at his words. I didn’t think I'd get back to him either, to be honest. "Well whatever I had decided, I woulda let you know regardless" "ok, well, did you decide?" The question hung in the air for a few seconds. If I wanted to go back on my decision, I still had time. "Uh yea, fuck it, let's do it". "Actually? Okay well, let's meet up tomorrow if that's fine" "yeah! Just text me when and where, I'll be there" "perfect, talk to you later" "bye Theo" "bye".

I smiled as I hung up the phone. Maybe this will be a fun experience and maybe I would gain another friend out of it, I genuinely needed someone that wasn’t Lina. I needed a normal friend.

~~~~

As I got closer to school, I could see Lina leaned up against the brick entrance way to the campus. It's like she knew I was there, as her head turned so quickly with a big smile on her face. "Yujin!" She skipped over to me and snaked her arm around mine. "Good morning Lina" "good morninnngg.. how's Theo?" I stopped walking and rolled my eyes at her "I don't know how Theo is Lina, because me and Theo aren't a thing". She bit her lip and giggled "he's cute, you should really get to know him" I sighed and started walking again. I love Lina but the one thing I hate about her is that she's always in my business. She needs to know everything that's going on in my life, and it gets to be pretty annoying.

~~~~

I walked into my Econ class, immediately looking to Theo's usual seat, but it was empty. I shuffled into my spot and pulled out my phone to text him. I hadn't received any messages from Theo today, like we talked about on the phone, and he wasn't in class which is super unusual for him. As I was typing out my message to him, someone quickly sat down next to me but I ignored them to finish my text.

"Hey" I jumped and looked over, speak of the devil, it was Theo. I clicked my phone off and smiled over at him. "Hi, I was wondering where you were, you're always here early" "yeah I woke up late. My parents kept me up all night talking about this next weekend and stuff. They're driving me nuts" I let out a soft laugh. "I'm sorry, hopefully once this is all done, they'll lay off a little" I gave him a small smile and he returned it. "Where were you thinking of meeting up later?" He thought for a second and responded "It doesn't matter. The coffee shop or the library. Wherever is fine".

As I sat there and thought about it, then Lina popped into my head. Lina was always lingering where I was, no matter what. I didn't want her to see me and Theo together. She would just annoy us and then annoy me about it after the fact. "Actually, can we meet at my place? It'll just be a bit more private there. I don't want Lina bothering us, because she will" He laughed quietly "Yeah that's fine. Just text me your address and when you want me over" I nodded "of course".

We both sat there for a minute staring at each other awkwardly until he spoke "I'm gonna go to my seat, I just wanted to make sure we were able to talk" I nodded towards him and watched him walk away. I quickly turned my phone back on and deleted the previous text I was sending to him, replacing it with a message including my address and what time to come by. After I sent it I looked back at him as he checked his phone. He looked up at me and smiled, giving me a thumbs up and I smiled back at him.

~~~~

I ran to the apartment door after hearing a couple knocks. I wanted to quickly get Theo inside before my roommate came home and saw a man in here. "Hey!" "Hey, come in". He shuffled inside and looked around "do you live here alone?" "Oh no, I have a roommate, she's out right now" he just nodded and stared at me.

"Let's go to my room, do you want anything first? Something to eat or drink?" He shook his head and I gestured for him to follow me.

Once he made his way into my room, I closed the door behind him and clicked the lock over. He sat down at my desk and I walked over and sat on my bed. "Okay so we really just need to get to know each other right?" "Yea, and make up a little story about our relationship too" I nodded and bit my lip "well what have you told them so far? Haven't they asked questions?" "They tried but I shut it down, all they know is that you go to the same university as me and we met in class" "which is true, so maybe this won't be so bad" We were both silent for a few minutes "how long have we been together?" "Since April.. So 6 months" I nodded "if they don't know much now then, we can really say anything" he nodded "yeah, but my friends think a little bit more than my family, I've told them more". I gave him a small glare "Like?" "They may or may not think we live together" He scrunched his face a bit and I widened my eyes and sighed "okay, it's not like they'll be trying to come over or anything right?"

He took a moment and shook his head "they shouldn't" "Okay well, now that we kinda have that figured out, take this-" I held out a pen and paper and he stood up to grab it, then sat back down "just write down a bunch of random info and fun facts about yourself you think I should know and I'll do the same" He spun around in the chair and put the paper down and began to write and I did the same.

As we sat there for a few minutes both doing our thing until my name was yelled from the living room "Yujin!" I jumped at the call of my name and Theo did the same and looked at me. "It's my roommate, I'll be right back" I stood up and walked over the door, leaving the room.

"Hey Nari, what's up?" "I need to talk to you about something" "okay go ahead" She stared at me, tears started to pool in her eyes "why are you crying?! What happened" "I'm moving. I got approved to spend the rest of my school year in England" I smiled "oh my god, you've been hoping for that! You don't seem very happy?" She sat down on the couch "I am, I'm just so sad to leave you, and I barely have time to even process it because I leave on Saturday" I pulled out my phone briefly checking what day it was again "it's Thursday.." she nodded "I know. Will you be okay living here alone?" I let out a small laugh "of course I will Nari" She looked up at me and let out a giggle "please don't let Lina move in here, she's insane and you need a private space away from her" we both started laughing "don't worry, I wouldn't want her living with me" She held out her arms for a hug and I slid into them, engulfing her in a huge hug. We both stood there embracing each other and a loud noise came from my room.

We both looked over to my bedroom door "is someone here with you?" I took a moment before responding "yeah, a friend. I'm gonna go see what that was" I let her go and walked to my room, opening my door.

I tried to slip inside quickly but Nari was hot on my trail, pushing her way through my door "hi!" She happily greeted him and he smiled at her. I looked between the two of them for a moment, before stopping on Theo. "Theo what was that?" "I was looking at your stuff on your bookshelf and I dropped something" "did it break, are you good?" He nodded "yeah I'm good, nothing broke" I let out a sigh then Nari spoke "I'm Nari, her roommate.. or her old roommate" she waved softly and he returned it "I’m Theo, I'm her.." his voice trailed off and he looked at me expectantly but I just left it at that. "Nari we were studying, but I will talk to you more later". She smirked at me "yeah, I know you will. I have questions" I rolled my eyes at her and softly shoved her out of my room.

I turned back to Theo "sorry". He smiled and shook his head "it's okay, she seems nice" "she is.. um did you get done with the paper?" "Not quite yet, did you?" I shook my head "no, let's finish those quick". We both walked back to our spots and continued what we were doing before.

~~~~

"Yujin.. hey wake up" I fluttered my eyes open and looked around briefly, before meeting Theo's smile. "Ugh I fell asleep on you, I'm sorry" "it's okay, I don't mind. I let you sleep for a little bit". I sat up and felt around my bed for my phone, checking the time- 8:00 pm. "It's late, you should probab-" I was cut off by the sound of my stomach growling. I widened my eyes and looked up at Theo. "I'm sorry" I said with a giggle. "Are you hungry?" I just nodded at him. "You wanna go get something?" I nodded again and he smiled "I have a really good place we can go, come on". He walked to my doorway and waited for me. I stood up from my bed and patted down my clothes a little bit to look more presentable. I rushed over to him and smiled "ok let's go!".

~~~~

Theo and I sat there waiting for the waitress to come by and bring the bill. We were both locked and loaded with our cards, ready to pay for dinner.

"Put your card down Yujin, I got it" I shook my head "no! I got it!" He pushed my hand down and I began to fight back and push his out the way as well. We were both giggling, while playfully shoving each other's cards away.

Our laughing faded and Theo froze and stared at the door. I turned around quickly and looked at the door, then back at Theo confused. "What Theo?" "My friends are here Yujin. Our acting needs to start now!" I widened my eyes "Theo we're not ready-" I was cut off by 3 men approaching us, greeting Theo. He quickly grabbed my hand and smiled at them. "Hey guys!" "Hey Theo! And who is this?" They all looked at me and I smiled "this is Yujin! My..uh.. girlfriend" "Hi!" They all introduced themselves and sat down next to us and began talking.

"Yujin we've been waiting to meet you! We keep pestering him about you but he's very private about your relationship. We couldn't even come over to his place because you guys live together" I smiled at them "yeah we live a very private life" he glanced over at Theo who was smiling and nodding in agreement with me. "Well maybe we can come by now since we've finally met you!" I bit my lip and my heart started racing as Theo began to speak "yeah definitely, we'll have to plan a time!" Keeho looked at everyone at the table "maybe this Saturday? Are you guys free?" I looked at Theo and widened my eyes slightly and he stared at me for a second before responding "yeah we're free!" I widened my eyes and kicked Theo under the table "ow, who just kicked me!" Intak hollered "Keeho was it you?" Keeho shook his head and we all continued to talk without acknowledging the kick anymore.

I hadn't even noticed that the waitress had come for the payment but once she had finally returned with my card, I immediately stood up "well guys, we were actually heading out of here, but we'll see you on Saturday! It was nice to meet you!" I held out my hand for Theo to take which he did as he stood. "See you guys in a couple days!"

Theo and I began to walk out and when we made it out of the restaurant, I let his hand go and hit him over the shoulder "what the fuck Theo, now what? Why would you tell them they could come to our apartment?! We don't even have one!" He stared at me for a quick time "I have an idea.. but I'm not sure you're gonna like it" I looked around thinking for a second before making eye contact with him and widening my eyes "Theo, no" "please it's the only way it'll work. I won't move in all my stuff, just enough for it to look real" I ignored his plea and began to walk away towards my apartment.

We walked for a few minutes and stopped at my apartment door "fine. You're moving all your shit over here then, I'll just help put it away. You better be quick though, we only have 2 days". I unlocked my apartment door, to find that Nari had already cleared some of her stuff out. Theo followed me in "she works quick huh?" I turned to him and nodded "this just makes it easier for you, I guess. Go home and get some rest, we're gonna be busy Tomorrow"

He smiled and nodded "thank you for helping me out here" I sighed and gave him a glare "of course, it just better be worth it for me in the end". He made his way out my apartment and I locked the door behind him.

The things I'm doing for this man are insane, but I guess it brings some excitement to my life.

~~~~

My eyes flickered open as my phone began ringing on my nightstand. I sat up and quickly rubbed the sleep from my eyes before grabbing it to see who was calling. "Good morning Theo" "hey good morning! I had a question for you. Is it okay if I start bringing stuff in before I have to go to class at 12" "um yeah that's fine. I have class in an hour but if you lock up, you can move more stuff while I'm gone" "perfect thank you, I'll be over before you leave so I can get the door code" "ok see ya"

I laid in bed for a few minutes before jumping out of it and sliding my slippers on. I walked to the living room, greeting Lune sleeping peacefully. "Hey you wanna go potty?!" I walked over and grabbed her leash then clipped it to her collar, before making our way outside. As I walked her around the yard of my apartment building, I could see Lina running up to us, out of the corner of my eye. "Hey Lina" "hey girl, you're still in your jammies? You're always up and going early". I sighed "I was up late last night with-" I stopped talking and looked up at her quickly. Her mouth fell open "up late with who Yujin?!" I bit my lip and quickly thought of something to say "homework, I never said it was a person" though it was a person, I was out late with Theo but she did not need to know that. She pursed her lips together "hm you sure? You sure it wasn't Theo??" She asked, nudging my shoulder, causing me to roll my eyes. I turned away to walk Lune around some more before Lina stopped me. "Speak of your man, here he comes". I spun around quickly and widened my eyes, I wasn't expecting him this early and of course it's when Lina is here.

"Hey Yujin, hey Lina" Before I could speak Lina butt in "what have you got there Theo?" I gazed at the boxes in his hands and then sighed. "You can just take it up there, the doors unlocked" Theo smiled and nodded at me before walking away and into the building. "Girl, is he moving in or something? I saw clothes in those boxes". "Please don't worry about it, mind your business for once". She stepped back and put her hand to her chest "bitch, I'm just curious what's going on between the two of you" "nothing Lina, nothing at all. Please don't worry about it... I gotta get ready for class, I'll see you later" I didn't wait for a response, I just grabbed Lune and made my way back up to my apartment.

Theo was just setting the boxes down and looked at me "I'm sorry, I didn't know she was here" I brushed it off quickly "I didn't know she'd be here either, but I got rid of her" I said with a smile.

He bit his lip then spoke "you might have to lie to her and tell her we're together or something" "absolutely not. When this is over in about a week, I'll tell her the situation. I'm not telling her we're together, cause we're not" His head fell as he looked down "I just thought it'd be easier than us trying to avoid her.. because she always find her way around" I smiled "I know, it's frustrating but it'll be fine" He began to open up his boxes and grab things out. "If you have clothes, they can go into my room. There's room in the dresser and hangers available in the closet" he nodded and continued to unpack.

~~~~

I slowly unlocked the door to my apartment, finally done with classes for the day and Theo greeted me at the door. I jumped and put a hand to my chest "I didn't realize you'd still be here" He smiled wide "yea I came back after class to finish up but I am finished. I hung up a few things and did some other stuff to make it look like I lived here" I took a quick look around and took in the changes. "Looks good... I'm nervous for tomorrow". "why? It'll go just fine, Yujin. I'm the one that should be nervous" he said with a laugh. I shook my head nervously "What if we have to kiss or hug or something?" "now why in the world would we have to kiss?" I just shrugged "as for a hug, it's just a hug, what if we have to hug? We'll have to show some sort of affection or else they'll think we're weird" "so what? They'll never see me again". He stared at me for a moment before walking closer and grabbing my shoulders. "Hugging once in a while won't be that bad Yujin". Before I knew it, he pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around my waist for a hug. I paused for a moment before finally draping my arms over his shoulders and securing the hug.

After a few moments he let go and stepped back "see hugs aren't weird". I took another step back "okay maybe not, we'll just figure it all out tomorrow! I'm gonna go get changed and start my homework"

I quickly turned around and began walking to my room. Before I could get too far, he grabbed my wrist lightly "hey wait". I turned back around and he let me go and smiled "um so am I still staying at my place or.. here?" I bit my lip nervously "um you can stay here tonight just so we're prepared for tomorrow. I just put new sheets and stuff on Nari's old bed so you can sleep in there". I gave him a shy smile and retreated to my room but before I could completely close the door, I spoke "please don't kill me or my dog in our sleep. I'm trusting you to not be a weirdo" He began laughing "don't worry, you can trust me" I smiled and nodded at him and closed my bedroom door.

#p1harmony #piwon #choi taeyang #p1harmony x reader #choi taeyang x reader

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