#just a character i create to survive

[escespace]

“A sane person will neve…” DO I LOOK LIKE A SANE PERSON TO YOU, EMILIANO RAFAELO?

[governmentmandatedryujinstan420]

releasing this from the hj discord dungeon because the public populace was in agreement also i'm chronically offline on tumblr and need to fix that for my chronically online ahh

[bigevildoeeyes]

(x)

so obsessed with how for all the possibilities of authentic selfhood immortality captures, it is itself still just an opportunity. time may buy you the capacity to reflect but personal realization is a difficult chosen effort, and what is time but a currency you must learn how to spend for it means little as is? what is armand but a child who never learned how, and 500 years later still abides by the values he internalized as a mortal

armand's entire identity and self worth is founded on being useful and desirable, so young and beautiful he was. then he aged out of his youth and his desirability became less innate, became created in identifying desire and molding to it.

when he says "I'm the quiet you've been longing for" he identifies himself As Death because if he himself is not whats desired, then he'll manipulate into existence a desire which he can become. malik and luke, people who want to live! will be made to seek death, seek armand, and they are going to make the decision that they want this. because when they beg for death it's armand they will reach to

and in the end its essentially the same, sex, submission, domination, death, all of these wanted roles armand can step into which in turn make him wanted. who cares about the validity of the desire, because in the end armand is needed and able to provide. armand who learned himself as a vessel to satisfy others and spends 500 years recreating instead of questioning because time is just a series of choices offered and armand lives to serve, he's the very best and its what he's good for.

[unma]

My theory is that you've had (or currently have) a big thing for roleplaying, perhaps directly related to your aptitudes as a writer.

I feel like someone just sniped me through a buncha buildings and windows and still hit a head shot. How could you tell? I haven't actively roleplayed in at least a couple of years—not because I don't want to, tbh, I would if I could actually get back into it again—so I'm surprised anyone could tell. I still have a bunch of my proudest rp posts saved (it was mostly crp), and I was into it for at least 3 years or so.

It's definitely related to my aptitude as a writer though. Having to respond so often to some of the most detailed crp posts where you would and often did get technicality'd into oblivion (and would do the same back) definitely made me care a lot about the details, and I'm not gonna lie I do still draw on that still when describing combat sometimes. Getting technicality'd into oblivion doesn't sound too fun, but I assure you it was (once you got used to it anyway), and that community was definitely my closest set of online friends for a good bit.

[jemmo]

that final scene in this ep of utsukushii kare. it feels like someone just ripped out my gut, slashed it open and trampled over the bloody remains. i want to sob. I want to out loud, fat tears, shaking my body sob. but all im stuck on is hira’s brokenly confused face, kiyoi on top of him grabbing onto his clothes and crying, an absolute tornado of emotion the likes of which he’s never shown, all to hira, all because of hira, and yet hira sits there and it’s like the storm covers him but he’s inside this impenetrable building and not a single drop of rain hits him. he knows it’s raining, he can hear it battering down on the roof, but it’s just rain. he doesn’t understand the full extent, doesn’t know the wind is ripping down trees and lightening is cracking the sky in two. and because he’s inside, he doesn’t need to know, doesn’t care to know, doesn’t want to know. hira will happily stay inside, in his bubble, in his constructed world, and he will be alone, and he will suffer, but that’s alright bc he’s not out there.

it’s like he’s gotten used to the internalized problems he faces, and they stick with him, almost a comfort to him now, in that he’ll see them when they’re not there. the external things that make him worried and anxious now, they’re less so, but hira still is that high school kid, getting picked on for his stutter, that faded into the background. he’s stuck there, and he’s never grown past it, and there’s almost a security in not growing, not changing, even if the thing you’re stuck as is worry and anxiety and invisibility and self doubt and constant internal doubt and criticism and lack of confidence. at least he’s used to it. at least there isn’t anything new to challenge him. and it shows, bc whenever he is challenged, in the sense that something that doesn’t fit he’s established world and role happens, he puts himself down and apologizes, like it’s a practiced, default reaction. that’s how he got through before, it’s how he learned to get through. but now, in the place he finds himself, in the situation and relationship he’s in, this is not a place for that reaction. the people he’s around, kiyoi, he doesn’t need hira to put himself down. he doesn’t need apologies. he wants understanding. and hira just resolutely refused that, said that he not only doesn’t understand hira, but that he doesn’t want to, and he’s not going to attempt to. and I don’t think he could have said anything more heartbreaking to kiyoi. all he has ever wanted was for someone to see him and understand him and love him for it. hira gives him love, unendingly and uncritically. he’s love is irrespective of anything kiyoi does or says or feels. it’s love of an idea, of a theory, of a concept in a pretty shell. it’s not love of the human inside, it can’t be, bc he just said he doesn’t want to understand that person, and without that there can’t be love. you can’t love something you can’t see or comprehend, that there’s a person kiyoi that isn’t the god kiyoi there is in his universe.

and the thing is, I think hira could’ve understood kiyoi, back when he saw a side of kiyoi that no one else did and still showed him love. I think down the line he could’ve gotten to know that person more and liked him, but the thing is, it’s different bc of kiyoi’s feelings. bc kiyoi’s feelings contradict so much what hira believes about himself that he can’t understand him. it’s easier to not know kiyoi that way and stick to his established universe, rather than understand kiyoi fully, bc in that he has to reevaluate everything, about himself and his place in the world and kiyoi’s place too. that is not an easy task. and it’s not that hira wouldn’t, I don’t think. I think there is a feasible future where hira recognizes that choice he can make and chooses kiyoi, chooses to challenge himself out of love for kiyoi and a want to understand him, and maybe even a want to understand and love himself. but bc he doesn’t recognize that as a choice he can make, he can’t do it. and I think that’s what hira needs to face, which I think is more than kiyoi and his feelings and care for hira can manage to accomplish. hira’s mental dissonance is gonna be a work in progress, it’s just a matter or him realizing it and getting to a point of actually working on it. the only thing is, in the meantime, can kiyoi be patient with hira, and the hurt he makes him feel? should he? bc when hira outright refuses to understand, when it feels that rigid and definite, when there’s no feasible future where he will understand, what’s the point? that’s the heartbreak. that hira is constantly worrying about forever, but he just denied a forever with kiyoi. and the problem is him, just not for the reasons he thinks he is. he needs to realize there is no forever with kiyoi the god, bc gods don’t last forever, they’re ephemeral, they’re fleeting. there can be a forever with kiyoi though, the man, the person, the human being, he just needs to step outside, into the storm, and let it soak him. bc when he gets to stand with kiyoi in the rain, he’ll see it’s worth it.

[rexscanonwife]

Also, last night my best friend (and co-creator of Kepler) was watching HTTYD and telling me about how Kepler-core Hiccup is and I said that Hiccup would actually make a great voiceclaim for any AU where Kep lives and grows up 😅😅 and I was talking about how fucked that is to my partner and they said we're this image

[widowshill]

— Are you sure Burke wants to buy Collinwood? — Yes, he said so. I'm just afraid it's only the beginning of what he wants.

[doortotomorrow]

MURPHY + EMORI - As parents

[cloud-based-and-rainpilled]

Tom wanted election night to be perfect because he knew it would be the last time he’d have any power.

He wanted Greg ‘Gregging’ for him because he knew it would be the last time they could be together before he was useless to him.

He pushed Shiv away because he knew, even if she was telling the truth, their relationship and child are doomed.

He couldn’t go to the funeral because he’d have to face that all he’s ever wanted was power, and Shiv bearing his child, and for Greg to be independent, and how he’s getting exactly what he asked for in the most devastating way possible.

‘Normie’ Succession fans have said from the beginning that “Tom is fucked,” and they were right.

[head---ache]

Dude I actually have SO many discarded fankid designs like Emmie has gone by three different friend groups and even for the current lineup there have been some forgotten kiddos you guys actually have no idea how many fankids I've designed NSKXBSKXBKX

[lurking-latinist]

⛵

[tvrningout]

tbh some of y'all keep posting about naruto and it makes me wanna interact so bad bc of my nostalgia, but i know diddly about anything shippuden and beyond :' ) i would be floundering :' )

[fortunatefires]

Something I hate about booktok is that no matter how much time you spend trying to curate your feed you will always run into smut. I don't inherently have a problem with that but it's so present and all consuming within booktok that it's almost impossible to avoid. Also, the smut isn't even that good. I would be less annoyed if the smut was good.

[mermaidlighthouse]

Maybe I’m making more of this than is actually there but ZYS is not a character I like until she also gets knocked down a peg in the finale…like nearly every interaction she has with another character she’s manipulating them including the girl, how are you? convo. Like maybe it wasn’t supposed to mean anything but when Auntie shows Stede Ed’s body she’s grinning in the background. She just got done saying she doesn’t let people go on and on about their feelings she’s NOT interested in how Stede is feeling…like absolutely girlboss simp but she gets her ass handed to her because she always assumes she’s the smartest person in any room. Idk it just feels like everyone wanted to jump on her bandwagon (at least what I was seeing) and I’m like nah she doesn’t care about anyone new but Olu and only in a selfish way so…🤷🏻‍♀️

[sparky-is-spiders]

Hi! I’m here suffering from lack of good Archivist!Sasha content as well 😭 On that note, do you have any fic on that topic you would recommend? Or just good Sasha fics in general, (or Jonsasha, if that’s your cup of tea)? Thank you in advance 😊

Tragically, I think there is a general dearth of good Archivist!Sasha content (and just about none of it Jonsasha content, as far as I can tell (and not only is Jonsasha my cup of tea, but the ONLY thing standing between it and the #1 OTP spot (currently occupied by JE) is the fact that the Jonsasha that I desperately crave exists in my brain and nowhere else)). Admittedly, I haven't looked very far into her tag yet (I should rectify that at some point tbh) but I've dug around the Jonsasha tag when I first got into it, and I know at least one fic where Sasha drifts towards Beholding through an interest in office gossip.

In terms of Jonsasha Ao3 has:

This very good Sasha lives fic where Jon shows up to Georgie's with an unconscious Sasha and everyone involved is very confused.

These two fics are cute also. The former is by @/suttttton and is them getting together, the latter is established Jonsasha from @/dickwheelie.

Eyevatar Sasha might actually be thinner on the ground (outside of fix-its where she solves everything and her canon reckless curiosity is completely ignored). Ao3 has:

This fic, which is Jongerry with outsider PoV Sasha. Just barely has the implication that she might be shifting towards the Eye (via prying into the lives of her coworkers) but gets a mention through sheer force of Excellent Sasha Characterization. I read this and I feel like I'm reading a fic from a Sasha Understander.

There's also this fic, which looks very promising but which I haven't actually gotten the chance to read yet, so I can't speak to its quality.

Unfortunately I've only gotten into Sasha fairly recently (especially as compared to Jon, who my brain latched onto in a deathgrip from the start), so I haven't gone through her tag yet. A scroll through the Archivist!Sasha or Beholding Avatar!Sasha tags pulls up a lot of fix-it and J//mart, which isn't really what I'm looking for from the concept. I'm sure there's more out there, and if/when I find them I'll come back to this ask probably, but I lucked into Reverse Nighthawks (I was on a Jongerry kick).

But god every day I wish that I could write romance and/or longfic, because about a year ago I read a Jonmichael fic that, when discussing alternate universes (where Jon ended the world) it's revealed that he once did an apocalypse out of love for his Archivist, Sasha James. And it was one (1) single line, but it struck me so hard because god. A perfect concept I think. The potential dynamics of Archivist!Sasha/Assistant!Jon are enthralling to me. Jon destroying the world (or helping her destroy the world? Cute date night I think: bringing about armageddon with your eldritch monster partner) for Sasha... anyway mostly I mentioned that one because My God if I have to live with that tantalizing AU rotating in the background of my mind 24/7 so do the rest of you.

[moonlightperseus]

i dont wanna talk about the number of unfinished 911 fics in my google drive