#just One Guess i dont even think it's the right guess but whatever
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omg hiii ! i loved ur mini series CENTER STAGE and i wanted to know if i could request a thanos fanfic :p btw i love ur accs theme its BEAUTIFUL :3 so basically y/n breaks up w her boyfriend su bong because he does to much drugs XD so she tries to find a small job as far as possible from her old work place because she knows he will come visit (iykyk) Y/N starts working in a gaz station in the highway ! And guess what her dear dear ex bf thanos finds her :p im so sorry if is this so badly written btw you can do litteraly whatever you want (smut,angst,fluff its really up to you) OFC dont feel pressured to do this request and if you do pls tag me :) TOODLES
YOU CAN RUN, BUT
YOU CAN’T HIDE
parings: thanos/choi su-bong x f!reader
warnings: smut, oral (reader receiving), p in v, unprotected sex (don’t be a dummy), public sex, swearing, thanos is lowkey a stalker
You should’ve known better.
You should’ve known he wouldn’t just let you go.
It had been two months since you left him. Two months since you packed up and disappeared, taking nothing but the essentials, leaving behind the mess of a man who had become more of a ghost than a lover.
Thanos had always been reckless, but the drugs made him worse. He was slipping, spiraling, drowning in a lifestyle that had already eaten away at him, and no matter how much you tried to pull him back, he wouldn’t stop. So you left. Because if he was going to destroy himself, you refused to let him take you down with him.
You thought you had escaped.
But you were wrong.
You got a job at a gas station on the highway—a quiet, out-of-the-way place that barely saw more than a handful of customers on a good day. You liked it. The silence. The stillness. The fact that no one knew you here.
Until tonight.
Until him.
You felt it before you saw him—that suffocating weight pressing against your ribs, the eerie sense of being watched. The store was empty, the dim fluorescent lights buzzing overhead as you restocked the shelves.
Then the bell above the door chimed.
You turned.
And there he was.
Thanos.
Standing in the doorway, hands stuffed into the pockets of his hoodie, watching you like a predator who had just found his prey.
Your stomach twisted.
For a moment, neither of you spoke.
Then he smirked. “Took me a while to find you.”
Your throat went dry.
He took a slow step forward, then another, the automatic doors sliding shut behind him. The air in the store grew thick, the walls closing in.
“Nice place,” he said, glancing around before letting his gaze settle back on you. “Not really your vibe, though.”
Your fingers curled into the edge of the shelf. “What are you doing here?”
He cocked his head. “What do you think?”
Your pulse hammered against your ribs. He was high—you could see it in his eyes, that dark, hazy look that always meant trouble. But there was something else, too. Something sharper.
Something dangerous.
“You shouldn’t be here,” you said quietly.
His smirk faded. “Yeah?”
His steps were slow, deliberate, as he closed the distance between you. You forced yourself to stay still, even when every nerve in your body screamed at you to run.
Then he was right in front of you, so close you could smell the faint traces of smoke and cologne clinging to his hoodie.
“You left,” he murmured.
Your fingers twitched. “Yeah.”
His gaze flickered over your face, as if searching for something. Then, in a voice quieter than before—softer, in a way that made your chest ache—he asked, “Why?”
You swallowed hard.
“You know why.”
A muscle in his jaw ticked.
“No,” he said. “I don’t.”
His hand lifted. Not to grab you. Not to hurt you. Just to touch.
You flinched.
That made something in his expression crack.
“Did I ever hurt you?” His voice was low, rough.
You hesitated. “No.”
“Then why?”
Your breath shook. “Because you were hurting yourself.”
Silence.
For the first time, Thanos looked away. His lips parted like he wanted to say something, but no words came.
Then, just as quickly, the softness vanished.
His hand shot out, gripping your jaw—not rough, but firm, holding you in place.
“You think you can run from me?” he murmured, tilting your chin up.
Your pulse pounded. “Let me go.”
He didn’t. Instead, his thumb traced your bottom lip, almost absently, his expression darkening.
“You left me,” he said. “Do you know what that did to me?”
You shuddered. “Thanos—”
His grip tightened just enough to make you gasp. Not enough to hurt. Just enough to remind you that you were his.
“You broke me,” he muttered.
Then he kissed you.
And it wasn’t gentle.
It was teeth, tongue, and desperation—his hands moving from your jaw to your waist, pulling you flush against him as if he wanted to crawl inside your skin. You gasped against his mouth, your hands shoving against his chest, but he only kissed you harder.
You hated that you kissed him back.
Hated the way your body melted into him like it never forgot, like it never wanted to forget.
Hated that part of you missed this.
“Mine,” he murmured against your lips. “You were always mine.”
His hands slid lower, gripping your thighs, hoisting you onto the counter like he belonged between your legs. Like he had every right to claim you again.
And maybe he did.
Because you weren’t sure you had ever stopped belonging to him.
And that terrified you.
His hands were everywhere.
Sliding up your thighs. Digging into your waist. Claiming, possessing, reminding.
You shouldn’t let this happen. You should push him away, tell him to leave, remind yourself why you ran in the first place.
But you didn’t.
Because the moment his lips crashed against yours again—hot, desperate, hungry—you were already gone.
Thanos groaned into your mouth, his hands gripping the back of your thighs as he pulled you flush against him. You could feel him—hard, needy, pressing against the seam of your jeans like he’d been craving this as much as you had.
“Fuck,” he muttered against your lips. “You’re still so fucking perfect.”
Your breath hitched as his hands slid under your shirt, fingers tracing the curve of your waist before pushing up, dragging the fabric with them. You arched into his touch, and he wasted no time yanking your shirt over your head, tossing it aside before his mouth was on you again.
His lips found your neck, kissing, sucking, biting. He wanted to mark you. Wanted you to remember who you belonged to.
You gasped as his hands unclipped your bra, letting it fall away before he palmed your breasts, thumbs circling your nipples.
“You missed me,” he murmured, his teeth scraping against your pulse point. “Didn’t you?”
You refused to answer.
So he punished you.
His mouth moved lower, trailing over your collarbone, down your sternum, until he was sucking a nipple into his mouth, his tongue flicking over the sensitive peak.
A whimper escaped your lips before you could stop it.
That made him grin.
“Yeah,” he muttered, kissing his way down your stomach as his hands made quick work of your jeans. “That’s what I thought.”
Your jeans hit the floor. Your panties followed. And then he was kneeling in front of you, his mouth inches from where you ached for him most.
You clenched your thighs together, but he pried them apart easily, gripping your knees as he looked at you.
“You’re soaked,” he murmured, his thumb teasing over your slit. “Did I do that?”
You shuddered.
He chuckled. “Yeah. I fucking did.”
And then his mouth was on you.
You choked on a gasp, your back arching as his tongue dragged through your folds, slow and deliberate. He groaned against you, as if he had been starving for this, as if he had missed the taste of you like a man deprived.
He sucked your clit into his mouth, and you nearly screamed.
Your hands shot to his hair, gripping, tugging, trying to ground yourself against the overwhelming pleasure.
He loved it.
“Hold on to me,” he muttered against your heat before diving back in, eating you out like he wanted to ruin you.
Your legs trembled. Your body burned.
And when he slipped two fingers inside you, curling them just right—fuck.
“Come for me,” he ordered, his voice hoarse.
You did.
Your body locked up, pleasure crashing over you in waves as he worked you through your orgasm, sucking, licking, owning you.
When you finally slumped against the counter, breathless, he pulled back—his lips glossy, his eyes dark, his smirk filthy.
“Not done with you yet, sweetheart,” he murmured, unbuckling his belt.
And the moment he pulled his cock out, thick and hard and aching, you knew you were in trouble.
Because you weren’t going to stop this.
Not tonight.
Not when he was looking at you like he would die if he didn’t have you.
And maybe—just maybe—you felt the same.
You sat on the counter, praying on one would come into the store, legs spread just for him. His cock pressed against your slick folds, teasing, sliding, waiting.
Without warning, he thrust inside you—deep, all of him, stretching you open in one slow, unbearable motion.
You gasped, your fingers digging into his shoulders as your body adjusted to the thick, perfect burn of him.
“Fuck,” he groaned, his head falling forward, forehead pressed against yours. “You’re still so fucking tight.”
You clenched around him in response, just to be a brat.
His grip on your thighs tightened.
“Don’t start.” His voice was strained, barely in control. “Or I won’t be nice.”
You smirked. “You’re never nice.”
He laughed—dark, low, wrecked.
And then he moved.
A slow pull out, a deep thrust back in, setting a brutal, punishing pace. Every snap of his hips slammed you against the counter, his hands gripping your waist, holding you still so he could take everything.
You were already unraveling, your body too overwhelmed, too sensitive from before. You felt everything—the drag, the stretch, the way he hit just right every time he bottomed out.
“Look at you,” he muttered, watching your face, watching every reaction. “Taking me so fucking well.”
You whimpered, your hands fisting in his hair, pulling him down for a kiss—sloppy, desperate, more teeth than lips.
He swallowed your moans, groaning as he fucked into you harder, faster. The counter shook beneath you, the sounds of skin slapping and breathless gasps filling the small, dimly lit gas station.
“Missed this pussy,” he muttered against your mouth. “Missed the way you squeeze me—fuck, baby—”
Your thighs clenched around his waist, locking him in, pulling him deeper.
His rhythm stuttered. His jaw clenched.
And then he lost it.
He grabbed you, yanking you against him, fucking you harder, chasing his release, chasing yours.
Your orgasm hit you fast, ripping through you like fire, your nails sinking into his back as you came with a broken cry.
He followed, his hips jerking, his breath ragged as he spilled inside you, filling you, owning you.
For a moment, neither of you moved.
Just panting. Clinging. Feeling.
Then, after a long pause, his lips brushed your ear.
“Told you,” he murmured, voice wrecked but smug.
You frowned. “Told me what?”
His teeth nipped your jaw, lazy, possessive.
“You can run,” he muttered, his hands sliding up your spine, his cock still buried deep inside you.
“But you can’t hide.”
#choi su bong x reader#choi su bong#choi so bong smut#thanos smut#thanos#thanos x reader#player 230 x reader#player 230#player 230 smut#squid game
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okay sorry transcript now;
jungle: grumble grumble
morikaze: jungle?
morikaze: is everything ok?
jungle: no.
jungle & morikaze: …
morikaze: do you want to talk about it?
jungle: …fine. whatever.
jungle: i just dont get it! kirimi favors jeraldy so much more than me, he doesnt even try to hide it!
jungle: i do JUST AS MUCH as jeraldy for MDCR and he never acknowledges it AT ALL! is it so hard to say ‘GOOD JOB JUNGLE!’ every once in a while?!
jungle: ever since that day, kirimis treated me as a second thought! like i ALSO didnt have my life uprooted and changed irreversibly! OOHH but jeras his golden ticket to a better life, fuck jungle i guess!
jungle: i mean SERIOUSLY, youd think I WAS the one to commit a genocide! youve seen how he treats me, right?
morikaze: well yes, i always thought it was harsh but you never showed any distaste so i
morikaze: i didnt think there was a problem honestly but
jungle slams his hand into a wall behind the corner of the walkway intersection theyre at (i feel like i didnt make this very apparent so Lol)
jungle: SO ITS FUCKING APPARENT!
jungle: HES SO SHAMELESS! …owwie…
jungle: …i dont know. this is stupid.
jungle: i guess im just mad that hes not there for me like he is for jeraldy.
jungle: …i just dont get it.
jungle: how come he doesnt love me, morikaze?
jungle: i needed him.
something like a dad
#i hope this is easier to understand#and also yes it is supposed to seem like morikaze is minimizing himself from the convo#i think before this point he thought it was okay to keep himself out of the trios mishaps. but from here on he keeps an eye on jungle more
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what do you think yaz stopped herself from saying in revolution when she goes "i never stopped to think-"?
bc i think yaz always knew that time with the doctor was like, finite. i think she went into it knowing. she goes into it with "i want more", she knows it will end, she just wants a little bit longer. same in revolution "im not ready to let you go yet". she knows she will have to one day, just not yet, not just yet. i think she felt the clock from the start as much as the doctor always must feel the clock with companions. you meet them and time starts ticking until you lose them. it's a doctor thing to feel, so i think yaz felt it too.
and she knew travelling was dangerous, and she knew people died, but i think maybe she hadnt anticipated that it might be the doctor that would be the one to die? theres something indestructible about them. i mean theyre bouncy. 13 throws herself between the fam and danger from the very first night as if she cant be injured. even when she sort of visibly is.
like theres a lot of things yaz might have been thinking and i dont know if this is the option that makes the most sense, like she might have thought they'd get to say goodbye at least, or she'd get the choice at least, a last trip, anything, that it wouldnt be so abrupt. but i feel like with how power of the doctor ended, with like 13 sort of having to submit to her mortality, and yaz first saving her from it and then having to watch as her body like shows the actual physical signs of what amounts to death in both of their eyes, AND maybe also the fact that 13 doesnt deny it most of all. like theres no pretending it's just you know what this means we both know what this means we stop pretending now, like. All Of That being how it ends. i feel like maybe yaz in revolution/timeless children just wasnt expecting it to be the doctor to die
#just One Guess i dont even think it's the right guess but whatever#im watching 1 scene in the middle of revolution i havent rewatched anything in forever im hardly gonna come up with smth insightful#im just making a video abt the suicidality parallels and how i think yaz wanted to save 13 in s12/revolution the same way that like#people sorta saved her#to come after her to prove that they were looking#bc im sure she sawherself in 13 during s12#theres also a maybe interesting survivors guilt kinda angle here#survivors guilt is obvs the thing 13 shares with graham#parent stuff with ryan#suicidality/policing with yaz#idk just thinking out loud#i dont think yaz felt survivors guilt as much as failed savers guilt (doctor core)#but maybe there was a little bit of /IM still alive rn?? ME??/#you know what i mean?#anyway. thinking out loud#revolutioni s making me remember all the thoughts ihave abt revolution so if im about to make a bunch of posts that#ive made before#whatever#tis my house
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updated some ref sheets and also actually made jcj one
#go find my artfight for more i guess#i know its another Not Real Murder Drones post but like im hyperfixating on this right now and dont feel like drawing drones#so you guys are just gonna have to live with that for a bit#i forgot an inner ring thing for abs so lets just pretend she doesnt have one#the spikes on jcjs halo are actually based on the spAAAAAAAAAAAce part of jcj in spaaaaaaaaaace#excuse my poor character writing i've literally never done this before#this is really like my first time doing this#usually i just pull the “they'll do whatever if i can make a joke out of it” card while Slightly aligning by their Vibe but like#here i'm trying to do something#learning to like actually Write also#if i can muster up the courage then i'll have a fic on ao3. otherwise ill just keep telling myself its for My Eyes Only#are the designs entirely canon compliant? no#do i care? no#art#murder drones#rain world#rain world iterator#i guess#never actually even considered a name for this au besides the self explanitory Murder Drones Rain World AU#should probably do that#i KNOW the lore is really fanficy SHUT UP i COULDNT THINK OF ANOTHER WAY TO WORK IT#LET ME BE CRINGE AND FREE FOR ONCE
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Pages from trying to keep a little sketchbook-scrapbook type thing going for two weeks lol. I gave myself specific rules in hopes they might all end up more cohesive/consistent seeming, but alas, scribbly chaos reigns, it seems
#sketchbook#scrapbook#Actually I feel like these are kind of incomprehensible in photo form like.. In person holding the book its easy to look at#but as images on this scale I feel like there's so much tiny little text and small scribles and stuff you'd have to 'right click > open#image in new browser tab > zoom in' just to actually really see the thing. which for 7 images is excessive lol.. so. probably not the best#medium for sharing really but. I suppose I thought they might look cooler lined up next to each other. The whole part of using a#limited color palette is so that maybe they kind of seem to have more consistent color schemes or something throughout. but I dont#know if they look all that 'related' or not. I think these types of challenges I have always sucked at because I am a being of clutter and#excess. I can't just do like one little simple nice looking design and have that Crisp Neat calligraphy with evenhanded perfect lines#and perfect symmetical composition and etc. etc. Like some poeple post very aesthetically clean and cohesive looking sketch#pages or something but I simply cannot hold back the brain impulse to add more. more. more. Fill every single blank space with color#or a little drawing or a sticker or something. I take away 500 things and there are still a million there. Even when I thik I'm being#'simplistic' I'm still usually being 2x more complicated and cluttered than the standard or whatever lol. I guess thats clear from my#outfits/costumes though too. Like whatever that saying is from that person about something like 'before you leave the house take off one#more accessory. you dont need it' for me is like.. 'before you leave the house. add 10 more accessories. and 6 more layers. and another'#AAANyway. I wonder if also maybe some people would try to plan theirs in a way to look good or something or like.. plot things on the page#before placing them. I did sometimes have a theme for a day kind of (like day 10 I ended up finding a few gold and green things and then#was like.. hey... what if I looked for a few other things and only used these colors today') but aside from that I was just slapping down#stickers randomly and working around them to fill the page. Maybe a lot of neat minimalistic asthetic design is about planning and#having a Vision set ahead of time. instead of just complete random whatever. doodling whilst watching youtube videos or eating lunch. It's#a miracle actually I've managed to not spill any food on the book the whole time. anyway.. I do wish the highlighter really showed up. the#scanner kind of makes the colors look VERY different to irl. But also it got much clearer images than just camera pictures of pages. alas..#..Still oddly enjoy the phrase 'Salisbury Steak gently kissed with industrial pollutants'#probably my favorite section of 'gluing random papers and things onto the page' lol#Also I wonder if it's super obvious that I literally never ever use references when I draw (save for the few freakish looking youtube#face sketches) since everyone is always in the same positions and looking very similar ghhb. This could have been a good opportunity to#work on not solely drawing from my mind and try to do more Dynamic Experimental scribbles. NO. Same exact eye for the 90th time#be upon ye. But I guess it was meant to be casual 'daily doodles'. True 'practice' would make it seem too effortful like a full project. hm#(lol the one decimated pencil in the set... never hand me a writing utensil. i will passively destroy it somehow. shaving the sides of a#pencil off with a knife or snapping a pen in half as a nervous fidget without even realizing i've done it. sorry to the drawing implements)
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vaguely SEA coded (non specific for reasons) modern!au Strawhats, because why not
#of course sanji would play sepak takraw#he gets really into the local tourneys i just know it#one piece#one piece au#i guess#opfanart#one piece fanart#strawhat pirates#my art#idek how to play that stick game anymore man what even is that#(i dont think i drew it right LMFAO man whatever but its the colourful ice cream stick bars they sell sometimes in stationary stores ifykyk
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crying throwing up because i didnt write 'stay frosty' on the back of the iceman/angel/beast photo of my last comic
#snap chats#NOOOOOOO I FAILED THE PUN-LOVER COMMUNITY CMON IT WAS SO EASY AND RIGHT THERE#I LOVE 'STAY FROSTY' ill just have to pocket that phrase for the future .. hehe .. top 10 reasons i love iceman IS his puns idc#I COULD HAVE. its indecipherable as hell but on the og5 pic i tried to squeeze in 'and lots of love from their professor' on the back#i think i tried to think of something for the bob/hank/warren one but i gave up two seconds into it evidently#AND ONLY AFTER LIKE AN HOUR OF COURSE I FINALLY THINK OF SOMETHING I HATE IT HERE#theres so much more room on the back of the photos in that comic too ..... never living this down <- ill be fine in the morn#i posted it to twitter its too late to amend this on account of you cant edit posts on twitter#sure i could delete and reupload but i dont work like that we just have to move on#sorry ever since that Pride issue with mags and bobby ive decided they have like. A Moderately closer bond#not by much compared to the rest of the og5. scott does in fact exist. but i just think its always fun when mags is close with one of them.#even on the smallest scale#ok bye thats literally it thats the end of this post i just wanted to say i like the idea of mags being bob's fave uncle#his only uncle. apart from juggernaut ig but anyways#im gonna sit here and drink my whiskey sour. its PEAR flavored.#wait did you guys know my tags were cut off in that post. i guess i underestimated adding an additional like. what 12 tags jALAKVLAKJ#so used to just drawing the two homos but whatever ...
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theres multiple reasons i dont like s/urgeamy but one of the things ive seen people do with it that annoys me a bit is the idea that surge and kit are going to become good because surge is gonna fall in love with amy and thats gonna be her only motivation to change.. and im sorry but am i the only one who thinks it would suck so bad for such fun antagonists to instantly switch sides just because one of them was "fixed" by romance and no other reason
#that is not an appealing storyline to me at least not for something like sonic where i dont wanna see canon romance#i DO think it could be interesting if amy being nice to surge and kit is gonna somehow be the start of a redemption arc for them#but not in a romantic way . not in an instant ''well i guess i have to switch sides now because i have a crush on sonics friend'' way#and ive seen some people assume that surge and kit are actually being serious when they come to the restoration as if theyve changed#i definitely dont think this is the case i dont think theyre good guys now#at least not yet it is possible they could calm down one day. but i dont think thats whats going on right now#i dont get why people are so obsessed with shipping amy with everyone anyway#shes just a little guy she should be doing average middle school aged girl activities like playing neopets or whatever#not entering serious romantic relationships . come on#especially considering most of her friends are a bit older than her#also the constant ''haha surge stole sonics girlfriend'' posts are getting on my nerves too#like my reasons for not liking the ship + the fact that the joke has already been made a million times aside.#it just always annoys me seeing amy be reduced to sonics girlfriend when theyre not even dating
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trying to psych myself up to finally do oc refs by doing fandom-related refs instead: volume 1
wanted to update my yuma from whatever tf this au is so he was a bit more unique... takes inspo from a lot of different things while also trying to be its own sorta thing? which is fitting given the au ;)
bonus chibi now that i'm also figuring out how tf to do chibis lol:
#my art lol#synth v yuma#yuma synthv#synth v#synthv fanart#synthesizer v#vocaloid#vocaloid fanart#YES I KNOW ITS DIFFERENT but at this rate its the umbrella tag. all vsynth shit goes under there just like on main 😔#sorry for the annoyign watermarks i just dont want this to get stolennn/traced it'll b my joker arc. is2g#like thats never happened to me before as far as i know but now that my art is getting 'better' i begin to get scared that it will happen#if my fanart got stolen i'd def sting a little yeah but not hurt AS bad as if someone stole my original shit. THAT would hurt#one of many reasons why i post less personal oc stuffs. although as mentioned above i AM in an oc mood so i wanna draw em maybe...#and stuff like this is a step to develop a PROPER FUCKING REF STYLE bc i SUCKKKK AT MAKING REFS LOL 😭 BUT I SHOULD GIT GUD#i have a few other refs planned for vocaloid au (i guess???) related shit but they're not done yet. this one was also a wip that i just??#impulsively decided to redo & finish bc i wanted to draw but nothing else i was trying to draw came out right. advantages of many wips#i have SOOO many things i could say abt some of the things that went into this redesign but i dont wanna come off as pretentious 😔💔#obviously it was primarily inspired by the vimalion yuma design but. there's moreeee that i can't explain here bc tag limits and im shy#i do think i want to try and be more intentional with my character designs now so i'm seeing how that goes as i redesign some old ocs#man though this kind of stuff makes me remember i used to LOVEE doing this stuff. and now its even crazierr given art improvement#uaurhghh my head is buzzing w/. so many thoughts. THIS ALWAYS FUCKING HAPPENS I GET SO MANY IDEAS WHEN IM BUSY GFD#this is actually from today though unlike some other things i might eventually post. that'll make more sense soon#and fuckkk i forgot the chain necklace thing on the chibi yeah but i couldnt get it to look good. whatever
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some people will be all about mental health awareness and leftist ideals of at least tolerating the mentally ill who show ''ugly'' symptoms until it's someone they know and ''care'' about having a bad day and acting like it in a way they don't find appealing
#[temporary text post tag]#vagueing about irls#everybodys your friend until one time youre too tired to act right after getting yelled at first thing in the morning#worst thing is i trusted her enough to tell her shit none of my other friends know about#liek i genuinely believed we were friends and i wasnt just an accessory so she wouldnt feel lonely and could vent to someone about whatever#now im really wondering if all the shit she told me about other people was real or if she just ditched them as well after they-#- acted emotionally in a way she didnt like#like im sorry people have bad days and sometimes act in none cutesy ways#at this point idk if the few times i did tell her im feelin like shit she took it seriously or just thought i was joking#im kinda assuming the second one#like she did feel and act fairly progressive - she'd often talk about acceptance and understanding#i don't even think she sees this situation as dropping a 'freind'#she's prolly gonna find a way to justify it somehow idk#point is im hurt and need a drink#she even vaguely texted me like 'if someone you knew hurt someone you care about would you try to fix it with them or just block them?'#like not even confront me and say 'you hurt someone i care about so now im ending things'#or just tell me to fuck off or call me a piece of shit#i feel after a year and all of the 'youre a good friend' shit that maybe i was at least entitled to a 'fuck off kys' text and then a block#i shouldve dropped her first - save us both some time#honestly i dont even think she thinks about this at all#im probably just sulking like a kicked dog while she does whatever the fuck it is she does#she probably didnt even care about my side of the story#why would she#honestly she always did most of the talking#i was just there to listen and sometimes make a joke for her to laugh at i guess#like i didnt know i was signing up for a '1 strike and youre out' type deal lmao
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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i know that when carlo suddenly decided that he needs to marry guy made a whole list in his head n like had a deadlines n shit. like it was some kind of a task he needed to do
#whole fkin campaign. idk still not sure how it was but man was in his peacock era for sure#n it's like i need to find a wife i need to make it in 2 (or whatever) months etc etc#but its like a bg task n he didn't speak bout it w others. like he just said that he needs to marry#also idk if i mentioned this but i wrote lauretta/carlo first meet long ago n she was w her fiance#i just listened to “pretty music” again sorry. i like that uh governor or tf this character is#changes his behaviour from one woman to another so real. n that fkin “but im a lucky guy who gets to dance w u”#and “since u know what i need i'll even take your lead” <- fr like im sure lauretta screwed him for several times#just to see if he's really serious good old manipulations w men nothing new nothing superstitious#upd. he probably made a mind budget for this (i mean finding a wife)#n bout lauretta screwing carlo its like in this ukranian song Ти ж мене пiдманула ти ж мене пiдвела#but since he's a strategist he's patient (like i wanted to accent this quality sm i wrote#that carlo started thinkin bout taking moretti's place back in 1932)#anyway. “Challenge accepted” situation and idk fr for some reason when it's carlo eddie lauretta it's always bout playing#so lauretta started playing n he entered this play too. i don't even think he was exactly mad (maybe only for the 1st time)#at this point i have a clear image of how they met n their first dates (cringe word) n how he proposed#ie how it started how it ended. ending was fast i believe (deadline is approaching 🤯)#what was in between i don't exactly know but i wondered just now if he also screwed lauretta (i think yes)#bc i don't knooowwww frrr all this is so bout playing to me#but bout ending its like. boss fight (<- sex) game credits (<- marriage) ((speedrun))#also i was thinkin if he even ever met lauretta's parents (i always thought that no but idk)#can imagine lauretta calling carlo a good friend. i also hm ok#i started to write a comic like a month ago just bout falcone polycule n it starts w#carlo who says that he finally needs to get married n lauretta's mother askin (in a pushing way) why#her n her fiance still aren't married like girl tf. she jinxed it i guess#upd. carlo/lauretta is funny in my head bc right before marriage he did fell in love lauretta didn't but guy's profitable we'll take him👍#she did only after marriage i think bc it was the time when u can finally relief bc it's over#u don't need to think bout no yes no no yes yes will it work or won't etc#woman was able to fucking chill at last. she got the money sorry i mean the man#he's not runnin away let's finally look who the fuck is even this man. why he won't shut up bout astronomy can i get a divorce <- jk#but yeah “я тобi брехала” is so lauretta right after marriage to me (“i dont even know the color of ur hair”)
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Disclaimer im just processing some thoughts im not cancelling the show
have almost thoughts about how i find the like....narrative on here that if you have chronic "zebra" conditions youd want a doctor like House and wouldnt sue for malpractice bc at least youd have a doctor that cares about whats wrong with you but lets take it one step further. so often he does NOT give a shit about the patient and actively endangers them frequently with his god damn heoric era of medicine approach? non zero amount of times he gets a diagnosis but it comes too late, or he gets a diagnosis after their first wrong 3 guesses of the episode shut down the patients kidneys and they either have to get a transplant or they are just, doomed due to other preexisting conditions etc? idk. i know ppl are almost certainly exaggerating and just letting off steam about the very real failures of our current medical systems and the ableism baked in and All That Shit. i just think its weird how ppl romanticize House who STILL, FREQUENTLY, MULTIPLE EPISODES will actively dismiss shit in the exact way that is a problem in our current system, especially when hes being Forced Against His Will To See Clinic Parients, he loves to be dismissive as fuck of symptoms and if he was a real doctor i think he'd be fucking 50/50 on cases he Notices Something To Dig Into vs cases he dismisses as an Anxious Hysterical Woman Who Wants Attention, the only reason he's Right so frequently in his snap judgements is cos it reinforces the narrative. its like a crime drama that has the mastermind serial killer masterfully using "loopholes" and lawyering up all sneaky and dodging Justice and if only our poor little cop protags were allowed to do A TEENY BIT of Justified Police Brutality, they could Save Lives!
and like sometimes in the show they will have a patient die despite his efforts to narratively punish him. not to mention, i think its been at least mildly brought up and glossed over how much they absolutely do not think about insurance costs for these ppl for the insane amount of tests that find nothing and Wrong Medications To Force A Diagnosis they use? i think it was brought up once in the episode following a day in the life of cuddy where she had to fight a lawsuit bc a guys insurance like didnt cover his thumb being reattached but chase reattached it anyway while in surgery cos it was The Right Thing To Do and the guy didnt have the money to cover it and the insurance wouldnt pay unless he sued the hospital or whatever. thats like the only time its come up. whereas like frequently the doctor I go to for osteopathic manipulation tries to check in with me and make sure im covered by insurance etc and that im not going to go broke or get buried in medical debt seeing her.
idk. just some Thoughts. not a defense of our current system and all the flaws it enables and enforces etc. his approach to medicine is really reminiscent to me of what I know of the Heroic Era Of Medicine which i dont...love? and hes framed on here as being an asshole but would kill for his patients to get them a diagnosis etc. but hes definitely extremely paternalistic to patients ? and despite some good clippable lines about ableism and being against eugenics, it honestly feels like his stance on that is kind of a toss up.
#toy txt post#AGAIN THIS IS NOT A DEFENSE OF OUR CURRENT SYSTEM NOR AM I TRYING TO 'CANCEL' THE SHOW#i am simply processing some Thoughts about it#and wishing better doctors upon all of you when you need them#doctors who Listen To You and who Put In The Effort and The Work to figure out why you feel like shit#who also arent calling you slurs the whole time and throwing random fucking medications at you that destroy your liver or whatever#but give them data. idk. like sometimes in the show it does seem like they need to do that! like the patient is actively dying and the risk#to info ratio is such that it makes sense. other times its like you like definitely couldve done other things to rule shit out but you#needed to fit this whole patient arc into a single episode#not to mention i feel like any doctor who approached shit even close to the way he does would Not have his success rate#no matter how smart the payoff would Not be worth it bc theyd kill more patients. they would not be getting lucky everytime. real life does#not have a plot narrative to fulfill if house treated you he'd just fucking kill you#also one more disclaimer I AM AWARE DR GREGORY HOUSE IS A FICTIONAL MADE UP BLORBO CHARACTER#AND THAT MOST OF THE PPL JOKING ABOUT THIS DO NOT NEED THE REMINDERS OR WARNINGS OR DISCLAIMERS ABOUT HIM ETC ETC#IM SIMPLY THINKING ABOUT HIM AND THIS SHOW AND REAL LIFE#and am only a little bit uncomfortable w the level to which his approach is romanticized on tumblr dot com. but i understand why and like#fair enough#anyway watching house MD is like a sawbones episode displaced in time and Very Worrying#i just have the finale of s7 left and then i will start s8#and i am dreading the aphobia episode. but it cannot be worse than the horrific intersexism and transphobic he's put on display right#right?#i guess its probably not worse in that from what ive seen on tumblr. he is being aphobic to an adult and not a teenager. so#also house is infuriating bc if you remove the doctor bit. i have met this man so many times and i want to kill him ♡#the guy who is just allowed to stampede through life being a total ass with no pushback or accountability and terrorize people#hes a bad employee and a worse boss#okay turning reblogs off on this cos i dont trust ppl. i think i have replies restricting to mutuals too so#that way this doesnt break containment and get misinterpreted
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once again thinking about a version of the story where 13 lands in sheffield three years earlier when ryan and yaz are still sixteen and a whole lot angrier
13 turning out a bit more immature bc she spends her first twenty-four hours after regenerating with these reactive and kinda fucked up kids. ryan dealing with grace and graham recently getting married or getting ready to get married. probably feeling abandoned by his grandmother after his mother and father. feeling alone with his grief. maybe kinda just has tibo to confide in. yaz meanwhile is in hell getting bullied and either recently got driven home from a running away attempt and is now dealing with the familial aftermath of that, or is planning the running away. maybe kiiiiiiinda just has sonya to confide in but probably not really. probably doesnt confide in anyone
13, still malleable and fluid, running into these messed up teenagers who reflect all her own lonely angry betrayed abandoned feelings back to her, shaping herself in response to them. they dont trust her at all to start with, but i think she'd win yaz over in a similar way she does in canon, presenting herself as an authority who listens and understands. perhaps slightly more the understanding than authority part at this point in yaz's life. maybe she lands in front of yaz actually in the hills before anita can get there. yaz is like "where the fuck did you come from" and shes like "um the troposphere i think" and yaz is like "how are you not dead" and shes like "oh i was! but then i decided maybe i shouldnt be. so. now im here :) with you!" and that kinda strikes a chord with yaz. and then the doctor's like "do you happen to have a sandwich in that backpack im starving"
then aliens happen and once they run into ryan, yaz is already won over and she and ryan recognise each other and she convinces him that, like, no shes not nuts, theres definitely aliens shes seen them
11x1 would go entirely differently obviously. maybe grace wouldnt die and graham wouldnt travel. ryan maybe decides to travel a little bit out of spite and home doesnt really feel like home, and yaz isnt having fun at home or at school either and she was running away anyway so this is not a hard decision
the emotional instability and bad decision counter of a team tardis thats just 16-year-old yaz and ryan and 13 is kind of amazing to imagine. it'd be so volatile but they'd love each other so much i think they'd be the best friends bc instead of starting off closing herself off from grief, 13 would start off having her justified and irrational anger sort of validated and coaxed out i think by yaz's and ryan's. in the tardis between the three of them there would be a place to express "nobody cares about me" whether thats true isnt the point, i think theyre all feeling it a little bit. "everyone just moved on like mum didnt matter/'tell an adult' like what are they gonna do?/okay it wasnt all their faults but all my friends are dead" you know? i think they'd be heard with each other and i think there'd be space for the injustice of it all and especially as the doctor is like a children's advocate most of all, she would take ryan and yaz seriously in a way i think they wouldnt have been by any other adult in their lives at that point. and in return they, just by being there as they are, would make room for the hurt child that 13 is and will turn out to be
and i dont have details for this but i think it would be really nice if the way 13 listens and takes seriously yaz and ryan in the first season (not like consciously or deliberately or anything, shes not trying to Do anything, this is just who the doctor is) would be mirrored in the second and/or the third when they have calmed down a bit, dealt with some of their issues at home, talked to some family members, become a little less depressed and angry etc, and they return the way she treated them when she finds out abt the timeless child and tecteun. she took their anger seriously and she took them seriously when they said "this isnt fair" and in return they can take her anger seriously, probably are angry on her behalf, and they can stop her from overcorrecting from like being 10 by pointing out to her that this isnt fair and shes allowed to be angry abt it
and when yaz inevitably gets a crush i think it shows up as a kind of out of character/seemingly regressive prickliness and snappiness toward the doctor getting more intense over the course of s12 that ryan and the doctor first are puzzled by bc like sure in the first half of s11 maybe they were all a bit snappish with each other but theyve been friends for like a year now whats this about all of a sudden? and yaz is like Nothing!!!! it's nothing!!! piss of!!! bc shes having feelings she doesnt know what to do with or how to interpret so theyre just manifesting as Angery. that same need to prove herself + probably worry abt the doctor as in canon except a lot more combative and a lot less inhibited. shes probably picking fights abt everything the doctor tells her to do. trying to provoke the doctor into actually getting mad and yelling at her or, god forbid, grabbing her, shoving her, using her hands bc yaz wont listen to words. sometimes youre 17 and horny and you dont understand you want one of your two friends in the world to kiss you bc it hasnt occurred to you that girls kissing girls is a thing that can happen. ryan figures it out first
in this version ryan probably stays until the end too - or the same as in revolution happens and yaz feels betrayed that he'd give up on the doctor so easily and feels alone in the entire world again - graham and dan wouldnt come into the picture. ryan's and yaz's family would come into the picture a little more actively. theres a lot of plot to figure out that i cant and it would be a very different era in many ways but i think it would be nice
#if i could figure out plot i'd write it but it's really not my forte#it's been 4 years and im still turning this era every which way trying to wring a bit of catharsis out of it#i think it would be nice esp bc like i said i think the doctor mainly is a children's advocate#and i think it would be nice if like. that got reflected back to them#like.......i cant articulate this clearly#like in the end nobody even knows abt the timeless child right?#it's just twisted stories in villains' hands and we dont even have a name#i imagine the doctor seeing ryan and yaz as the people they are when they meet#and in return they can see her and the child she was later on#nobody fucking knows!#and im not saying like oh she should tell everyone the trauma or whatever#i just feel like#who honoured this child?#who saw her?#i feel like theres a kind of opportunity there if ryan and yaz are still younger#also they were 19 in canon they shouldnt have been so fucking put together!#they were way too emotionally stable#even for 19#but i think it'd be more fun if they are 16 and truly In The Midst Of The Horrors#also i want to see thasmin play out with yaz barely 20 and their dynamic built on this.......teenage solidarity i guess#like im sure ryan would be the one to figure it out but how does he react?#does he point it out in front of the two of them or does he ask yaz once when theyre alone#like in a scene at the end of 12x7 like 'so do you like her or smth?'#and shes like 'no! what? no!'#and hes like 'are you sure. like im not homophobic it's fine but'#and shes like 'w aht the fuck are you talking about' bc shes actually like what the fuck is he talking abt#but then later in bed shes like 'wait..........wait' and has a crisis abt it#(this doesnt improve the weird irritability re: the doctor. and then she Dies. and that does NOT improve the weird irritability)#and then if ryan stops travellin gin revolution then flux starts with yaz being aware shes in love with the doctor#and the doctor probably too. does this change things??
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sure horror playing the drums is cool but i think he would absolutely devour on a synthesizer
(also dust should totally get to play the organ too,,, keyboard buds :3)
#the eating pun was not on purpose#i'm coping with the killer analysis kicking me in the ass by thinking about horror#tricule rant#i was listening to franderman123's horrortale covers can you tell#GODDDDD a synth is SO horror............. if people object to this claim then they just arent horrorpilled enough#synth is even used in his offical themes by SAS aaoaushhhhh synthesizer horror i just came up with you but now i love you#even in the ye old days of sharax's ravenous theme for horror GUESS WHATS USED???? SYNTH!!!! SYNTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i'm not a music person so if the sound i'm imagining right now isnt actually a synthesizer you have right to shoot me but i think i'm right#anyways the organ was also inspired by dust's official theme the murder because i think the foreboding sound all thru the theme is an organ#but also to me he could suit a piano too......... :3#now killer??? you know what i always say about him 😁 he can just be killer..........#actually though unironically i'm trying to listen to killer themes to see which instruments appears often appear and also which fit imo#but uhhhhh his themes are all very different from each other........ and there just arent a lot in the first place#you either got occisor then blackhole and eyes of a killer and then lethal deal (my personal favorite out of all the popular killer themes)#ooh i like the jazzy kinda swing flow going on in a soul for a soul........shit's GROOVY........#maybe he could be bass??? but i feel that's more chara's thing#i keep thinking of these high pitched little notes but i dont have any other instrument to describe them aside from wind chimes#BUT THEYRE NOT WIND CHIMES I KNOW THEYRE NOT WIND CHIMES I THINK?????#maybe theyre just really high notes on a piano........ but then i'd have to give up piano to killer instead of letting dust keep it 😒😒😒#does that make the whole trio keyboard buddies then ❓❓❓🤔🤔🤔#GOD I WISH PRODUCERS AND COMPOSERS WOULD LIKE SIZHAJUA#I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU USED TO COMPOSE THIS 💔💔💔 WHAT SOUNDS DID YOU CHOOSE#wait is the high pitched noise im thinking of a kalimba???? i dont know........ i feel its too cozy of an instrument to suit killer#WHATEVER YOU KNOW WHAT HE GETS TO COMPOSE THE SONGS I GUESS!!!! OR DIRECT!!!!!! i dont know which one's more fun IDC HOW OOC THIS THIS SHUS#i'm mildly annoyed about the killer analysis can you tell 🙂
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#its sad that like. with autism for example masking is somehow kind of a new concept in terms of being widely known or accepted#because i would really really like studies covering masking for other disorders. compensation i guess but theres like nothing#i dont think most people i have ever met would consider me to have low harm avoidance (somehow?)#<- might be incredibly wrong and just biased toward how incredibly fucking inhibited i Feel#its hard for me to tell because i have poor understanding of myself no matter how much i try. esp in wider social context#and its impossible for anyone else to tell because . yeah i cant type lmao#...you can probably recall many memories of doing stupid kid stuff. a poor understanding of consequences mixed with high curiosity#stupid Kid stuff. right?#so much of this is muddled up between what are cluster b traits vs. autism. the ptsd risk factor with both is significant and very relevant#our understanding of mental health is still in its infancy i think#harm avoidance = nuance. ptsd is a confound for both groups and also i'm NOT a good reference lol i can't imagine#low reward dependence = both#low persistence = both (consider how you behave outside of your interests. there is a reason they are referred to as Restricted)#even if they don't feel restricted to you... i was thinking about that the other day because i felt my interests are not restricted#bc i'm very open to trying new things + my interests feel very expansive to me. but an outside perspective would sum them up in few words#doesn't matter how deeply you think about an interest or how many things you connect to it or how many subtopics you create#it's still just one outside of your head! and being open is not the same as having a vested interest. can help mask restrictions tho#novelty seeking = nuance. they mask each other#elopement comes to mind#like when i ran away from school to go to a different playground at recess#i know it was because i didn't care about the rule because i thought no one would catch me and i wanted to satisfy my curiosity#but you could chalk that up to novelty seeking or a poor understanding of why the rules existed or both#and autistic novelty seeking might just present as having lower support needs in whatever areas your interests lay#they mask each other and overlap in that area...#man i was saying the other day literally i just keep shoving dimes into outlets and don't learn#auuuuuuuuuuuuuu#z
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