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fanarchoslashivist · 7 months ago

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I know you dropped it but I love 'Compost' its my favorite fic of yours and also i really like 'A Royal Pain In The Ass' and 'Calefaction" the way you write Jack is so unique and fun he's such a little shit stirrer hes like a prank youtuber and it is so obvious why so many people would find him annoying and hate him. I always had a problem with how the fandom worshiped his little boohoo I'm so lonely because people don't like when I'm a fucked up little shit to them. Typical lonely white boy who acts out to get attention and then cries when nobody likes him after he literally ruined their shit.

Bunny definitely should have popped Jack in the mouth during their first encounter I swear it would have fixed so many bad takes about their post Easter confrontation. Jack is such a smart mouthed mean spirited little shit and I love him but oh my god oh my god I KNOW he has other spirits who will jump him because he fucked up playing around with something and then didn't apologize or acted like it wasn't that big of a deal. Jack had zero problems throwing out punch after punch shit talking everything the Guardians do but Bunny pushes exactly one button that we as the audience have context for and suddenly Bunny is the bad guy and Jack is the sad lonely child. They BOTH were being shitty, Jack literally has history of destroying the thing keeping Bunny ALIVE like oh so sorry he got his white boy feelings hurt. Jack killed a kid's goldfish and caused mass car accidents in the first twenty minutes of this film, he's the class clown at the frat party who thinks its funny to steal your phone and dangle it over the side of the pool to watch you get upset and try to take it from him then laugh when you fall in the pool as he dodges.

its just a joke, lighten up," he says until you call him an asshole college dropout who is intentionally crashing parties to make everybody's life hell because he's terrified of being rejected so he gives everybody an excuse to hate him first.

Then he's sad and hurt and you're mean for handing him back his entire personality on a platter.

The important takeaway from that scene is that Bunny and the other Guardians are supposed to help people in this situation, but Bunny is supposed to be the person who recognizes that Jack is in need of help. Bunny is playing the stern "you are here because of the consequences of your actions," role to a young adult who has not had proper guidance through his teen years. Jack's entire problem is that he learns about the world through trial and error, but faces no lasting consequences, he is literally dismissed. This is very white boy problem child of him, getting into trouble with little consequence because white kids are usually swept aside instead of severely punished like kids of color are, they are told 'oh he just needs care and guidance' while also giving him no care and guidance. literally how the fandom treats him actually, "Jack is just lashing out because he wants to be seen and people are mean for getting mad at him instead of helping" then call every guy who tries to be funny to get their attention in real life a fuck boy. Rise of the Guardians is best read as a trouble making twenty-something kid being forced into community service and finally meeting adults who actively work with troubled kids.

I think Jack is a great representation for young adults aging out of a system that failed them, his mixture of longing and disdain for everything the Guardians do is a perfect reflection of how everything we do to help protect and provide for kids as a community can fall short, but they are still necessary, and always at threat from groups that think the best way to straighten out a kid is breaking them. Think of all the people who are so upset at the idea of replacing detention with actual support projects, and all the comments from people who insist the best way to punish the kids is to hurt them in some way, hit them, force them to do grueling exercises, deprive them of their dignity. Think of every person around you who looks at a crying child in public and say "MY child knows better than to act like THAT" and the implication behind it.

Jack views the things the Guardians do as vain little pet projects that they use to bribe kids in exchange for their belief, the same way a child who doesn't receive care can view it as bribes for good behavior instead of rewards. The Guardians are, quite literally stated in the movie, a replacement for the way previous generations raised kids through punishment. Pitch is the Boogeyman, the manifestation of how parents used fear to control kids and get them to do as they are told. "if you don't listen to me the boogeyman will GET you."

This is replaced by a system of rewards, "Go to sleep on time or you'll miss the Sandman and wont have good dreams." "If you don't be good Santa won't bring you presents, only nice kids get rewarded." "Sit still and behave through Easter service and you'll get to go to the Easter egg hunt." "Losing a tooth isn't a scary thing, its something to look forward to, you get money from the Tooth Fairy."

But when you don't have that, when you don't have rewards to look forward to or the rewards are used to control you instead of as a gift you earned, you can build resentment. Especially if, like Jack, you are a child in need who slipped through the cracks of a system built to help you.

Jack seeks the Man in the Moon's help, he insists that MiM put him there, and we as the audience believe him even though nowhere in the film does anything back this up, in fact we are shown that MiM is easily ignored when he attempts to contact people, if Sandy had not noticed him and gotten everyone's attention. Jack also insults what the Guardians do, with each Guardian having a special scene with him where they showcase and explain the individual importance of their duties and how much effort goes into it. He learns he was wrong as he interacts with them, and he learns that he ALSO has use of their gifts. It was all "cooped up in some hideout finding new ways to bribe kids" until it was HIS memories being protected.

The Guardians had an important lesson to learn, its a very easy lesson for viewers because its in half the family films you watch. Parents need to spend time with their kids! Its not enough to focus on what you can give them, yes work is hard and you are doing so much to make sure they are provided for and you are tired and need time for yourself to rest when you are done, but you also need to connect with and actually talk to your kids. You can't just be the person that gives them things, you need to be THERE for them.

But Jack has an important lesson to, and you are right to see him as immature and uncaring for the harm he does, he needs to understand his actions have consequences. Its all well and good for him to show up and make a mess of things and fly off when nobody cares if he comes or goes, blow a kid's homework out the window, freeze their goldfish, cause car accidents by sending kids sledding into the street. He lives up to every trickster story I know, and how he's dealt with also follows that line. Tricksters show up and play games with you, and you are often the one suffering from those games, except when you convince the trickster to play by YOUR rules.

The Guardians follow this when they convince Jack to help collect teeth, Jack wants his memories and they can help with that (how the fandom thinks that's blackmail is beyond me, how exactly is he getting those back without them? 'If we work together as a team we can do this' is pretty basic problem solving skills to teach kids. You help me I help you isn't manipulative unless they specifically have the teeth and are keeping it from him to force him to help them.) Challenging a trickster to a game is the go to method to surviving a trickster encounter, in a trickster story there is always a lesson to be learned, its meant to set an example and someone is going to bear that weight. If you don't want to be the example you need to make sure its the Trickster. You need to play by the rules of a trickster story while also convincing the trickster to make mistakes that will lead him to face consequences.

Pitch does this beautifully, I fucking LOVE how Jack's encounter with Pitch is beat by beat how you deal with a trickster. He even lures Jack away like a trickster would, very "Coyote promising to help you home if you follow his voice but gets you lost all night" Jack is off balance and without control the entire time, he fell for the trickster's promise. Its a GREAT confrontation for a Trickster character who plays pranks and creates problems for others that those people are left to deal with even though they are not at fault. Do you think the child who lost all their homework didn't have to either go running for it or restart from scratch, or have to show up without their work the next day at school? Do you think anybody cared that it wasn't their fault? "Don't leave the window open" is the lesson and getting a bad grade is their consequence. I would LOVE to see the Burgess Facebook Rants and Raves page after Jamie's little sled ride. "Whose child is this in the street?! Someone needs to call CPS."

Lessons require consequences, and Trickster lessons are often mean spirited and outside of your control. "I did everything right" you say even as the story highlights all the ways you misstep.

Jack isn't the one who ruined Easter, but he IS the one who chased after a voice in the dark when he knew there were people relying on him. It falls in line with the "go straight home after school," lessons in a lot of kids stories. The child wanders off and gets to see a lot of things, maybe gets lost, maybe gets in trouble, and when he gets home he finds out that he missed out on something really good or everyone is mad at him because he wasn't there to help with what they were doing.

The Hey Arnold cartoon had an episode in which the kids ditch school and spend the whole day hiding that they ditched so they don't get to enjoy any of the fun activities they had planned, only to get to school after they give up and realize it was a Field Day and they missed out on all the fun activities the school had set up for the kids. Its a classic consequence for a kids story, and a good one for Jack who has shown that he both WANTS so badly to be accepted by others and has spent several scenes making mean sarcastic remarks about their work. "Its no hard boiled egg, but kids LIKE what I do." "I'm not climbing into some rickety old sleigh" Jack is SUCH an "I know I can't have it so I'm going to mock it to show I don't even want it," kind of person and as someone raising kids every time the Guardians give him that LOOK when they show off and he's wowed by them is so real.

Jack, after realizing that he let himself be distracted by an immediate want over the expectations of the people waiting for him, he does what he always does when he makes a mess and flies away. The Trickster at the end of a story. The question is who are the ones learning a lesson? Is it the Guardians, who put their trust in a trickster and he didn't show, or Jack who got what he wanted at the expense of everyone else?

And that's why Jack choosing to go back, choosing to face his consequences and return to clean up the mess, is so important for his character and his story.

He was, again, the child that slipped through the cracks of the system set up to protect him, and now he has a chance to work for that system, he disparages it, how could he not? It failed him! There is no question the system failed him. But are the people working in that system bad? Is it better to abandon kids with no support system at all? and can you trust the people who claim THEY know how to raise kids right, that kids should be taught to fear what will happen to them if they step out of line. The Guardians are all focusing on one thing, all their energy on one thing to help, each Guardian identified a need and they put their efforts into providing that one thing for the kids, millions of kids, and if everyone just put effort into one thing then we would have a million needs being taken care of, instead of setting up one single thing that does everything.

Pitch was able to attack that by taking them out bit by bit, but the whole system didn't fail, because each Guardian has one thing that they do. Our support systems are always under attack, we need to constantly justify something as small as a free meal program, people want Children to go hungry in school, and the schools are not above withholding the very right to eat as punishment. Children are at risk of losing their most essential human rights on a daily basis, and the people doing the work to just ensure they can Eat are being criticized that they are not also fixing every other problem in the world, and therefor they must not be of any use and we should listen to the people who want to hurt kids to fix the problem, because children who are not afraid of punishment are undisciplined and will just going to run wild. Please ignore all the evidence that punishment as a form of discipline creates more problems than it solves. Anything that is not punishment is obviously not actually discipline and the only real consequence a child understands is one enforced by fear and pain.

Also important to note that Pitch was no match for them, at his strongest it literally only required the Guardians to have a small portion of their power back (Easter is still ruined and Tooth has not been able to collect for 2 days) for them to take him down, because he was only able to avoid their attacks and strike from a distance. Even at the Tooth Palace as soon as they charged him directly he ran, and you get the sense from his urgency that he CAN'T fight them head on. This is how child abuse survives, abusers CAN'T defend themselves, they can only hide and try to talk their way into convincing those around them that what they are doing isn't actually that wrong because the system is also flawed. How can anyone criticize how THEY raise their kids when the people raising kids the supposed "right" way are also failing?

Jack is an outsider because he fell through the cracks and is lashing out at a world that doesn't acknowledge that it failed him, but Pitch is lashing out at a world that isn't letting him hurt people without consequence. And I could go on and on about how Pitch is a great metaphor for generational trauma and wanting to raise kids who wont be killed the way his family was killed even though how he raised his daughter with kindness and courage before the attack is literally what saved her life because she snuck out of the house to play on her boat in the middle of the night. Her disobedience as a child and lack of fear of getting into trouble with her parents literally saved her life. Imagine sneaking out of the house to steal your parents car in the middle of the night and not being afraid they would beat your ass to oblivion and it being framed as the thing that saved you. Also always thinking about how Pitch doesn't want a child that's already evil but instead wants a child that is seen as good and pure and he wants to corrupt that child to be like him because he sees himself as a good and pure person who is corrupted and the fact that every person he attempts to turn into his fearling prince or princess always turns away from him or proves to be beyond corruption only shows that he too could have avoided his own fall and it drives him further into insanity because he can never NOT be in the right because then he would have to face the galactic scale genocide he committed. I love Pitch so much he is so so so close to being redeemed at every turn but he actively chooses to continue to insist that raising children in fear is the only way to protect them and I just get so many emotions about that as someone from two cultures that faced genocide. The people in the fandom insisting that fear IS what keeps kids alive are not going to break the cycle of abuse i am so sorry.

The thing that really always draws me into the Guardians of Childhood universe is that every character has so many flaws and is capable of so much cruelty but actively chooses to be kind, and Pitch is shown time and time again to be capable of kindness but actively chooses cruelty. I love writing characters who hurt people, who think its fun or right to hurt people, and have to face the consequences of hurting people. I love knowing that humans are able to fix their mistakes and learn to have compassion, even if it does not come naturally to them. I love that North was a bandit who was lured by MiM with the promise of a town filled with riches he could pilfer and actively choosing to fight to save the kids. I love that Tooth was literally hunted like an animal by the adults but still snuck into villages to trade gifts with the other children.

I love Katherine's little temper tantrums throughout the books and how often she falls to despair over her worries only to pick herself up again. She is such a little girl, I love her so much. I love when she blew out the magic candle North lit for her because she was mad at him, I love how Pitch broke her compass and she didn't have any immediate confirmation her friends were going to rescue her and she just felt so completely and utterly alone even though they literally just had to be chased out of her room by Nightlight because they kept checking up on her two whole scenes ago. Girl it has been like a day and you have been kidnapped before, they are going to come for you, you are so middle school melodramatic it is painful sometimes.

This is so long and ridiculous I'm sorry for rambling. Anyway if you come off anon and pm me I'll give you my email and send you the next few chapters I've written. I'm currently not posting anything for the fandom because of some people bothering me, I haven't gone so far to take down my fics yet but I do have plans to delete my ao3 eventually and go full private if things get worse.

#rin's nonsense #difintely going to die of shame in like 2 hours and come back and delete this like i do everything else lately #rotg

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obeymeoasis · 4 years ago

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Demon Bros React: MC Compliments Them Aggresively

Warnings: A generally thirsty MC, Beel’s react has a brief mention of choking.

Lucifer

It was rare that Lucifer had time off during the afternoon and you were fully taking advantage of it.

Holding hands, you were taking a leisurely stroll around the garden. Every few minutes you stopped to point out a flower or a bug that had caught your eye.

“Ooh Luci, look at this one! It looks like a rainbow! Oh my god, it’s so shiny, I love it!”

You heard Lucifer chuckling at you and turned to ask what was so funny when you stood still in shock at the sight before you. The glow of the afternoon sun illuminated Lucifer beautifully, his black hair almost glowing, his face open and happy, smiling at you. He looked absolutely radiant. And you were going to tell him as much.

“Oh my god Lucifer, what is wrong with you?”

Lucifer’s smile dimmed immediately and his eyes narrowed. “Love, whatever do you mean?” His voice was careful and tense.

“I mean, it is illegal for you to look that good! Oh my god! Do you see you? You look like a greek god like what in the actual world!”

Lucifer’s mouth opened in surprise at your sudden outburst.

“How are you even my boyfriend? Like you’re literally glowing Luci. Oh my god my eyes, you’re too bright I can’t even look at you!”

Lucifer blinked a couple of times as if to clear his head. Slowly a satisfied smirk replaced his confused look and he moved to press a kiss against the back of your hand.

“Love, what on earth has gotten into you today?”

“What, I’m not allowed to compliment my boyfriend?”

“Of course you are, although I’d prefer it if the compliments were given in a more... private place next time.”

“...Fine.”

Mammon

Mammon had apparently made some money in one of his schemes and he practically dragged you to Majolish one morning to go shopping.

Once in the store Mammon had sped off in a flurry of activity, adding clothes to an ever-growing pile before herding you toward the dressing room.

"Wait for me outside, okay? Ya gotta tell me how each outfit looks.”

A few minutes later, Mammon stepped out in a pair of dark jeans that hugged his toned legs and a black v-neck sweater that showed off his collarbone. A thin gold chain adorned his neck and the look was completed with a pair of combat boots.

“Well, whattaya think?”

“Mammon. What the hell.”

Mammon’s shoulders drooped a little. “Not good?”

“Mammon. You look so hot. So fucking hot. Like. A supermodel? An icon? You’re stunning!”

He was beginning to blush and you could see how pleased your compliments made him. “O-Of course you think I’m hot! I’m the Great Mammon! I always look good in whatever I wear.”

He expected you to stop at that point and chide him to be more humble but was surprised when you amped up the compliments.

“You do babe, you really do. Look at how long your legs are! And your arms, oh my god. And your chest, wow, I kinda want to lick your chest right now.”

“MC!” Shocked and a little embarrassed, Mammon fled to the inside of the dressing room, swishing the curtain shut behind him. He could feel his cheeks burning.

“Sorry Mams, I’ll stop if you want me to. But I meant every word.”

“...Please don’t stop.”

Leviathan

You were in his room, cuddled on some cushions, watching a new anime together.

Your head on Levi’s shoulder, you were so comfortable that you were close to drifting off to sleep, until Levi nudged your shoulder. “Sorry, I have to go feed Henry.”

You watched Levi sprinkle food into the large tank, his face illuminated by the soft glow. The bubbles and movement from the tank created dancing patterns on his face. As Levi watched Henry eat, he smiled a soft, private smile, and in that moment he looked ethereal.

“Levi, you’re so beautiful.”

Levi’s head whipped around to look at you. “W-What are you talking about?”

You got up and moved closer until you were inches from his face, studying his features. “I’m serious Levi, you’re absolutely gorgeous. Devastatingly handsome. I could honestly stare at you all day. You are so so beautiful.”

With each compliment, Levi’s mouth grew a little bit wider until he was gaping at you.

“I-Is this some kind of joke? Are you making fun of me right now? Why would you- You know how I feel about-”

“Levi, please. Have a little more faith in me. You know I’d never make fun of you. I’m being completely serious right now when I say that you’re incredibly beautiful.”

Levi thinks his brain might have stopped working.

His face is burning, his body is all tingly, and he can’t get any words out?

“Levi? Come back to me, Levi! Hello?” You’re waving your hand in front of his face but you think he might be broken.

You take his hand and slowly lead him back toward the cushions for kisses and more cuddling.

Satan

Reading with Satan was one of your favorite ways to spend an afternoon.

You sat in opposite armchairs and let the comfortable silence fill the room. The only disturbance would be if either of you wanted to share a line or passage from the book you were reading.

Legs curled against your chest, you watched the flame of the candles make flickering shadows against Satan’s bookshelves.

He tapped you on the shoulder and you turned to see his outstretched hand holding his book.

“Love, look at this line.”

You read in amusement as the hero of the story made a witty joke. "That was a good one-"

You turned and saw Satan, his eyes crinkled in laughter, a light blush dusting his cheeks, his lips bitten in an attempt to hold in a giggle.

"Satan... you're so fucking cute."

Immediately one of his eyebrows cocked in confusion. "What-"

"You are so adorable, wow. I want to squish your cheeks and like keep you inside my pocket or something."

"Love, I am the Avatar of Wrath. I am not... cute."

"Yeah? Well I beg to differ. I call it like I see it and right now, I can see that you are the cutest being I've ever seen in my life. The way your eyes light up and you get all blushy. So adorable, I can't stand it."

Satan seemed to be stunned by your exclamation, his features frozen in a mixture of confusion and shock.

You walked over to him and began pressing kisses against his eyelids, on his cheeks, nose, and then finally, lips. "I'm gonna keep kissing you because you're so cute, okay?"

He ended up tugging you against his chest and holding you in a princess-carry, trying to bury his face in your hair so you couldn't see how flustered he was.

Asmodeus

You were in Asmo's room helping him pick an outfit. Well, more like you were scrolling through your D.D.D. while Asmo went through his entire closet complaining about how he had nothing to wear.

He had some sort of big business meeting coming up with a perfume company who wanted his help in designing their new line of products.

Every outfit so far had been beautiful and Asmo looked amazing in each one, as always. You weren't sure how to help him.

"MC, this next outfit is a little different. It's not really my style but it was a gift from the designer so tell me what you think, okay?"

Asmo swished aside the curtain of his dressing room and walked out in a formal black business suit. The shirt was open at the throat, exposing his delicate neck, and he had added a pink pocket square. A large silver watch shone on his left wrist. His shiny black shoes clicked against the floor as he walked toward you.

"So, what do you think?"

"Asmo... If I'm being honest I kind of want you to pin me against the wall right now."

"Darling! You're usually never this forward."

You stood up and twirled him around. "My god Asmo, you look incredible. You look so sexy and professional. Like a rich CEO or something. Scratch the wall thing, I kinda need you to bend me over your desk."

Asmo had never been more surprised by you, but his shock didn’t last long.

"Do you really like it, MC? Do you like when I wear this sort of thing? I should wear suits more often if it means you talking like that. I love this side of you darling!"

He began stalking toward you until your back was gently pressed against the wall, his arms making a kind of cage around you. “Is this what you pictured, MC?” He began kissing you fiercely and you grabbed onto the lapel of his jacket to keep yourself steady.

“Asmo?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Don’t go to the meeting today.”

Beelzebub

You were in the gym with Beel. He was lifting weights and you were bouncing on a medicine ball next to him.

Even though you didn’t exercise at all, Beel said he liked you being there with him. And since it was such a hot day outside, you didn’t mind spending the afternoon in the cool air-conditioned building.

But despite the chill of the room, Beel’s shirt was soaked with sweat. He was lifting enormous weights and you could see the muscles of his arms straining with the effort.

Beel was, well, absolutely ripped. His arms, legs, and stomach all looked like they had been carved from marble. And you spent enough time cuddling with him to know that his body felt exactly like it looked, solid and incredibly strong.

People who didn’t know Beel personally would have found it hard to believe that the demon with an eight-pack had the personality of a hungry golden retriever.

A grunt from Beel startled you out of your thoughts and you realized you had been staring at him this whole time. Uncomfortable at the way his shirt was sticking to his body from sweat, Beel peeled it off of himself.

“Beel?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re killing me here.”

He looked at you in confusion, worried he had done something. “MC, what’s wrong?”

“Beel, do you even see yourself right now? You literally look like sex on legs. How are you even real? I want to touch you all over. But I also kind of want you to choke me.”

“MC!” Beel cried out in surprise and you could see his neck was flushed. “You know I would never hurt you.”

“I know big guy, I trust you.” You let out a low whistle and reveled in how Beel looked, a combination of pleased and a bit embarrassed. “Beel, you’re so perfect. You look like you could protect me from the world.”

“I would you know,” he whispered. “I want to protect you, I don’t want anything or anyone to hurt you.”

You smiled at him. “I know Beel, and I love you for it.” You let the silence hang in the air for a moment. “But also, can I lick your abs?”

“MC!”

Belphegor

It was a rare occasion that you and Belphie were outside, as you both usually preferred to stay in.

You had both woken up late and decided to stop by a local cafe for some lunch because you were too lazy to cook.

Belphie sat across from you at the small table and sipped his tea delicately while you polished off the rest of your sandwich. You had one of your ankles hooked around his.

He was looking out the window, his face turned toward the side, and you used the opportunity to study his features.

Long black eyelashes framed his piercing purple eyes. His silky dark hair stood out against his pale complexion and your eyes traced the high bridge of his nose, the softness of his lips.

As if feeling your stare Belphie turned toward you with a smirk. “Something I can help you with?”

“Belphie... you’re really pretty.”

You could see that you had surprised him a little with your honesty. “You’re so pretty, Belphie. I know a lot of people would kill to have eyelashes as long as yours. And your mouth looks so kissable. You kind of look like a doll. You’re honestly so gorgeous.”

His face was completely blank for a moment then morphed into a calculating stare. “Are... are you being serious right now?” His gaze suddenly turned cold.

“Why would I joke about something like this? I’m telling you right now that think you’re pretty. You’re beautiful.”

Belphie's voice betrayed no emotion. “Nobody’s ever called me pretty before. Or beautiful.”

“Oh, Belphie.” You took his hand from across the table and pressed a kiss against his palm and then the inside of his wrist, the way he did to you all the time. “I’ll repeat it everyday for the rest of my life if you want.”

He scrunched up his nose and whispered, “Don’t. You’re being embarrassing.” But you could tell he didn’t really mean it by the way the corners of his lips quirked up.

He was mostly silent for the rest of lunch, apparently deep in thought, only nodding occasionally at your comments.

When it was time to leave, however, he reached to hold your hand and didn’t let go the entire way home.

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etherrreal · 4 years ago

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“5:00am”

Pairing: ushijima x reader Genre: fluff Summary: looking back, you’re not sure what made you think that jogging with ushijima would end in anything but complete and utter disaster, but it’s too late to go back now WC: 5k Warnings: brief mentions of non-serious injury, a little blood, implied smut, too many paragraphs about ushijima’s hands A/N: first fic gang! this was supposed to be like 500 words but as the blog title suggests, i’m a liar -Dawn

You’re not sure what possesses you to go jogging with Ushijima at the ungodly hour of 5AM –and on a Saturday, no less– but here you are, tugging a windbreaker over your tank top and leggings while he waits for you by the door.

Most of it, you’re sure, is just because you miss him. The two of you have been so busy lately –you with your new job, him with the whole professional volleyball thing– so this is the first weekend in a while that you’ll actually be spending together.

It’s only natural that you want to spend as much time as possible with your boyfriend before your respective commitments are back to pulling you both in opposite directions, as they have more times than you’d like to admit in the past four months you’ve been dating.

Or maybe 5AM-you, lacking caffeine, sleep, and any sense of real judgment, is just losing your mind.

Ushijima certainly seems to think so, if the look he gives you when you volunteer to accompany him on his routine morning jog is any indication. He’s far from the most expressive person you’ve ever dated, but you’ve been with him long enough to register the surprise on his features; the way his pretty olive eyes widen a fraction and the way he pauses to watch you, like he’s trying to gauge how serious you are.

“What?” you ask as you join him by the door, removing your slippers.

He raises an eyebrow at you. “You hate running.”

“Running? Absolutely. Jogging, however, I think I can handle, especially if it’s with my handsome boyfriend who I haven’t spent nearly enough time with lately.”

With your slippers out of the way, you move to reach for your sneakers next. A quick glance in his direction confirms that he’s still giving you that same bewildered look, a crease forming between his eyebrows. It makes you falter as you pick up your sneakers, wondering if you’ve made a mistake.

Now that you think about it, he does usually jog on his own. The two of you are no strangers to working out together –if him doing push-ups with you perched comfortably on his back counts as working out– but you’ve never actually joined him on a morning run before.

Is this something he prefers to do alone? Are you overstepping his boundaries by inviting yourself along before checking to see if it was okay? Suddenly, you find yourself wishing you would’ve asked first.

“Do you...not want me to go with you? Because if you’d prefer to go alone, that’s totally fine, I’ll just–”

He catches your wrist before you can put your sneakers back down, and the rest of your sentence is lost somewhere between the fingertips he presses against your skin and the other hand he uses to lift yours.

It’s almost criminal, you think, the way a single touch from him is enough to completely derail your train of thought, whatever you were babbling about suddenly the furthest thing from your mind. You think you shouldn’t be as phased by it by now, not after all the time you’ve spent together, but no such luck.

Really, it’s his hands that are the problem, now that you think about it. His hands, steady and calloused and strong, but still so undeniably gentle and patient when it comes to you.

It’s hard to pick your favorite feature of Ushijima’s when he looks the way he does –all tanned skin, broad shoulders, and chiseled abs– but his hands are pretty high up on your list. They have been from the moment you met him at Iwaizumi’s housewarming party last year.

You had obviously seen him before, though you never actually spoke to him until the party. It was mostly during high school volleyball matches between Aoba Johsai and Shiratorizawa, courtesy of your childhood friendship with Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

You remember spotting Ushijima and thinking he looked so serious and unapproachable, even more imposing than he did in the photos of him featured in that Monthly Volleyball magazine you used to watch Oikawa vandalize with ridiculous-looking mustaches and devil horns.

When you saw Ushijima at Iwaizumi’s party, he still looked serious, not to mention larger and even more intimidating in person, but his hands were warm and kinder than you were expecting, careful in the way they wrapped around yours when he introduced himself. It was only hours later when those same hands reached for yours again to help you off the couch that you realized you spent the whole night with him.

Now, months later, you’re standing with him in his stupidly expensive apartment, half-panicked that you might’ve overestimated his desire to spend time with you. But Ushijima’s hands are still steady and warm against your skin, even now, reassuring in a way you don’t think you’ll ever get tired of.

“I’d love it if you joined me,” he says, pressing a soft kiss to the back of your hand, and if you weren’t smiling before, then you definitely are now.

You pull on his hand to tug him down towards you, a request that he silently obliges. You perch on your toes to reach him and deliver a chaste kiss to his lips, smiling against his mouth. When you pull away to look at him, you find him smiling, too, in that soft and subtle way of his that you’re so glad he’s chosen to share with you.

“Just promise me you’ll be careful,” he adds. “We’ll be running for a while, and I don’t want you to get hurt. You’re clumsier than most.”

Sadly, he’s not wrong. You are pretty clumsy, almost cartoonishly so. He’s watched you bang your leg on his dining room table practically every time you pass it, heard you curse to yourself after accidentally knocking down every item in his shower. At this point, holding your arm in his is as natural to him as breathing, just so he’s there to keep you from tripping over your own two feet.

And while you definitely appreciate the concern, you don’t think it’s entirely necessary, at least not for this. Sure, you have a bad habit of falling on your ass more often than not, but you’re also able to do so without sustaining any major injuries. You’re confident this time will be no different.

Besides, it’s just one jog. You’ll survive, even if your muscles might hate you for it later. Still, you know he worries about you, which is why you reach up to give him another quick kiss.

“Deal,” you assure him once you pull away. Then, you grin, voice taking on a more teasing edge as you look up at him. “As long as you promise not to be embarrassed when I leave you in the dust. You know, since I’m just so naturally athletic.”

Ushijima’s never been the best at detecting sarcasm, but with you, like so many other things, it’s different. He can tell you’re joking by the way you giggle and wink at him, and when he huffs out a quiet laugh, you smile and sit down to put on your sneakers.

He surprises you when he kneels to tie them for you before you get the chance to do it yourself.

“Careful, Wakatoshi,” you warn him, not for the first time. “If you keep being so sweet to me, you’ll never be able to get rid of me. You might just be stuck with me forever.”

“That’s fine,” he says, like he’s already considered the consequences before and has chosen to accept them. “You’re the only one I can imagine being with for that long, anyway.”

He moves on to tie the laces on your second sneaker, taking zero responsibility for the way his words make your heart flutter in your chest. He always does this: says stupidly romantic things with barely any prompting and absolutely no consideration or even awareness of the effect they have on you.

His voice doesn’t change when he says them, either. He uses the same blunt tone he always does, like it’s a simple fact, like he’s asking you to pass him his phone charger instead of alluding to a potential future with you.

It just makes you fall that much more in love with him.

Not that you’ve actually told him yet. You’re still waiting for the right moment. You wonder if maybe this might be it, but then he stands up and turns away from you to open the door and the opportunity is gone.

Maybe that’s for the best. This morning, you decide that you can handle jogging with your pro-athlete boyfriend or confessing your love for him, not both. The latter will just have to wait for dinner tonight, assuming you make it back in one piece and your legs don’t just fall off from the sudden exercise.

You stand up and follow him out the door.

Ushijima insists you both take the time to stretch before you actually start running, so you spend a few minutes doing so in the empty lobby. You pretend to struggle with a few of them, just so you’ll have an excuse to have his hands on you.

You’re almost positive he sees through your little ruse, if the amused look he gives you is any indication, but he doesn’t complain, guiding his hands over your body to help you bend and stretch like he can’t see the grin on your face.

Once you’re all warmed up, you’re ready to start jogging. You follow behind him as he leads you along his usual path down the block, the streets noticeably empty, save for the occasional passing car.

You know the only reason you’re able to keep up with him is because he’s slowing down for you, but you don’t let it bother you. He’s a professional athlete, after all, and you’re the kind of person who doesn’t even like to run to catch the bus, so it’s to be expected. Still, you give it your all, remembering to keep your breathing steady just like he taught you.

And you have to admit, your aversion to any sort of cardio aside, jogging with Ushijima is actually kind of fun.

For the first five minutes, at least.

Then it all goes to shit.

You’re not sure how it happens, either. One moment, everything is great. Sure, you’re already feeling a little sweaty, and maybe your lungs are screaming at you just a tiny bit –the price of inactivity, and all that– but you power through it because, in the words of so many great orators before you, mama ain’t raise no bitch.

But then you trip on something –a pothole in the street, your own foot, who the hell knows– and suddenly you’re wiping out for the entire world –or maybe just your boyfriend and that one stray cat you passed, which is still pretty embarrassing– to see.

Ushijima’s quite a few feet ahead of you now, because as much as he tried to slow down for you in the beginning, you figure he just can’t help but speed up a bit. He’s not the type to do anything half-assed, not even a casual morning jog. You’re almost grateful for it in a way, because it means he doesn’t actually see you trip and stumble like a baby deer learning to walk for the first time.

He does, however, hear the yelp that escapes your throat, making him glance over his shoulder just in time to see you fall forward. He runs back towards you, but he’s too far to reach you in time, and your knees hit the pavement hard, your hands shooting out to catch yourself as best as you can.

You don’t even have to look to know that the skin on both your knees and your palms is scraped up. There’s also a shooting pain that starts at your ankle and darts right up your leg, reassuring you that you most definitely stepped on it wrong.

Ushijima is by your side in an instant, normally stoic face scrunched up with worry. He helps you twist yourself into a more comfortable position on the sidewalk, though it does little to ease your embarrassment or your annoyance with your own incoordination.

“I’m okay,” you try to reassure him, but that’s not entirely the truth. Your palms are stinging and your ankle is throbbing, not to mention the fact that your knees currently resemble a cat’s scratching post. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”

The look he gives you is doubtful, and you know for a fact he doesn’t believe you at all. “You’re bleeding.”

And holy crap, you are. It shouldn’t be a surprise to you, since you felt the entire thing, but the sight of the blood on your knees and palms still stuns you a bit.

“Come on.” He wraps his arms around you, pulling you up with ease you would normally marvel at if it didn’t make you feel so pathetic. “We’re going back. I’ll be able to treat your wounds and take a better look at your ankle.”

“Whaa– but we’ve barely even started jogging!” you protest, pouting despite the stinging of your cuts. “I told you that I’m fine, Toshi. I can still walk–”

You try to put pressure on the ankle you rolled and immediately wince. You almost stumble forward again, but this time Ushijima is there to catch you, holding you against him with his arms around your waist.

“No, you can’t. You need to treat your injuries, so stop being stubborn and let me help you. We’re going back.”

You bite the inside of your cheek, eyebrows drawing together in frustration –mostly at yourself– but stubborn as you are, you know he’s right. There’s no arguing your way out of this one, not that he would listen to you in the first place. He’s always been protective of you, which means he won’t be budging on this.

You heave a defeated sigh but nod at him anyway, relenting. He helps you hobble along with your arm around his shoulders and his arm around your waist for a few steps before he seems to think better of it.

In one fluid motion, he’s picking you up in his arms, holding you bridal style against his chest. And while normally his arms are one of your favorite places to be, the fact that he has to carry you like this all because you’re an idiot who can’t watch where you’re going is doing nothing to ease your already damaged pride.

You try to convince him to put you down and let you walk on your own, but unsurprisingly, he doesn’t agree. Your face, which is already warm with embarrassment, just seems to heat up even more. Your mortification only increases when you spot his apartment building a few streets later.

God, the two of you were running for what, maybe five minutes? Six? And now you’re already back home? Talk about embarrassing. And right after you promised him to be careful, too.

The fact that the pothole –which you are now deciding to blame for your fall, because you don’t think your ego can handle anything else– had the audacity to trip you and then not immediately swallow you whole to save you this embarrassment is honestly disrespectful, at this point.

Ushijima was right earlier. You do hate running. And you hate yourself even more for believing that jogging at any hour –least of all 5AM– would end in anything other than complete and utter disaster.

Your only consolation is that it’s so early, chances are that no one else saw you trip and almost eat shit in the middle of the street. It’s the little victories that count, you suppose, though you might just have to burn this outfit later to rid yourself of the reminder. You’re not sure how you’re ever going to live this one down.

Thankfully, the universe seems to take some pity on you, since you don’t pass any of Ushijima’s neighbors in the lobby. He maneuvers you into the apartment, managing to close the door behind him and remove his sneakers without putting you down.

When he does finally let you go, it’s to place you delicately on his bed. He disappears from the room and returns a moment later with a first aid kit and an ice pack, while you flop defeatedly onto your back against his pillows, pouting.

“I can’t believe I actually fell.” You groan, throwing an arm over your eyes. You feel the bed dip beneath his weight as he sits beside you, but you still don’t move. “The one time I willingly decide to run, and this is what happens. We didn’t even make it past the supermarket!”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It could’ve happened to anyone,” he says, opening the first aid kit. His voice is as straightforward as ever, but you know he’s trying to comfort you in his own way. “Besides, it could’ve been a lot worse.”

“Worse than twisting my ankle and making a fool of myself five minutes in?” You shift to prop yourself up on your elbows and raise an eyebrow at him. “How?”

“You could’ve twisted your ankle and made a fool of yourself two minutes in instead.”

The bluntness of his response makes you snort, cracking a half-smile as you push yourself to sit up fully. “Good point.”

You watch as he gets to work, mesmerized by how careful he is with you. He takes your palms in his hands, wiping away the blood gently and cleaning the small scratches it reveals. The scrapes on your knees, which he moves to next, sting more, but he moves slowly enough that it doesn’t overwhelm you. He’s always taken such good care of you, and this time is no different.

After all of your scrapes are covered, he examines your ankle, which is unsurprisingly the worst of your injuries. When he helps you tug your sneaker and sock off, you can both see it’s already swelling.

It’s not broken, he assures you, but it is lightly sprained. You’ll need to rest and compress it until you’re ready to walk on it again, but the ice should help with the swelling. He lifts your ankle on top of a few pillows to keep it elevated, covering it with the ice pack.

He moves higher up on the bed to sit beside you against the headboard, searching your face for any signs of discomfort. “How does that feel?”

“It still hurts, but it’s not as bad as before,” you answer. “Honestly, I think my pride is more damaged than anything else.”

You lean back against the pillows propped up on his headboard and sigh, unable to stop the guilty frown tugging at your lips. As grateful as you are for his help, you also feel really bad that he had to stop and take care of you at all.

If you hadn’t insisted on joining him on his run, then none of this would’ve happened. You would still have two normal-sized ankles, and he would be able to finish his run without having to worry about you and your chronic clumsiness.

“I’m sorry I ruined our jog,” you find yourself apologizing, fiddling with the hem of your shirt guiltily. “It was supposed to be cute and fun, but all I did was screw it up. I’m sorry you had to come back to take care of me.”

Ushijima shakes his head. “Taking care of you isn’t a burden. There’s no need for you to apologize.”

His hands reach for yours, large enough to engulf your own as he turns them over. His eyes follow the path his fingertips trace lightly over the band-aids covering the scratches on your palms. “If I hadn’t gone on ahead of you–”

You press a hand against his chest to stop him, his eyes flickering back up to meet your own.

As endearing as his concern is, he’s not the one at fault here. You don’t think anyone is, really, except for maybe that damned pothole you may or may not have tripped on. More importantly, you don’t want him to blame himself for this.

“Nuh-uh, nope, none of that. I’m the one who tripped, remember? It’s not your fault I suck at running. Or any kind of physical activity, actually.”

You pause, tilting your head thoughtfully as you mull over your own words. He watches the mischievous smile he’s learned to love appear on your face, hears the teasing edge seeping into your tone as you lower your voice just a bit.

“Except maybe the one that involves you railing me into the mattress,” you add with a smirk, playful and just shameless enough in a way that never fails to draw him in even more. “That one, I don’t mind, for obvious reasons.”

He sighs, though your words don’t surprise him. “I really wish you wouldn’t word it that way.”

“Too late~”

You’re practically singing as you grin at him, grabbing his chin and bringing his face closer to yours.

He mutters something about you having a one track mind, but you don’t miss the amusement in his eyes or the fond little smile he casts in your direction. He doesn’t stop you from pulling him in either, allowing you to rest your other hand on the side of his face.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me, Wakatoshi.”

You meet him halfway for a loving kiss that you hope is enough to express your gratitude, one he doesn’t hesitate to return. When you break apart, he rests his forehead against yours.

And right when you think you can’t possibly love him anymore, he promises quietly, sincerely, “Always.”

As usual, he gives you no time to recover. He kisses you on the forehead and then stands up, announcing that there’s something else he needs to go grab before leaving the room.

Honestly, you’re hoping it’s food. You’re starving, and after all of this morning’s excitement* (see also: trauma), there’s nothing more you want than to cuddle up alongside your boyfriend while enjoying a plate of your favorite breakfast food.

To your surprise –and slight disappointment– when Ushijima returns, it’s not with food or anything else to treat your injuries, but rather with a set of keys. He sits beside you again, opening his palm to offer them to you.

“Well, those aren’t pancakes.” You take the keys anyway, twirling the ring around one of your fingers before raising an eyebrow at him. “Are these what I think they are?”

“The keys to my apartment,” he confirms. “I want you to move in with me.”

Your eyes widen. It’s not the last thing you expected him to ask you when he offered you the keys, but it’s definitely not the first one either.

When he first held them out to you, you thought maybe he was just giving you a copy of your own to hold onto, just in case you ever needed them. You’ve thought about offering him the same a few times before, just so he could let himself into your own apartment whenever he comes over instead of you having to get up and open the door for him.

But that’s not what’s happening here. It looks like Ushijima’s chosen to skip the exchanging apartment keys step entirely in favor of just straight up asking you to move in with him. And while part of you is thrilled by it, your heart hammering in your chest with excitement at the prospect of getting to wake up next to him every day, of getting to come home to him, there’s another part of you that’s wondering if maybe you’re moving too fast.

It’s not that you don’t trust him, or that you doubt how much he cares for you, because you don’t. Your previous partners couldn’t even spell commitment, much less agree to it, but Ushijima’s not like them.

He told you, not too long after the first few times you went out together, that he doesn’t believe in dating casually or wasting his time. If he’s with someone, it’s because he sees a future with them. Hearing that was a bit intimidating at first, but it was also extraordinarily refreshing.

Asking you to move in with him, you know, is just another step towards that future. And while the idea excites you, making you feel more secure and adored than in any of your past relationships, there’s a part of you that’s still a bit hesitant.

After all, what sets you and Ushijima apart –more than your senses of humor, more than your completely different levels of athletic ability, as evidenced by the ice pack and bandages you’re currently sporting– is the fact that you, unlike him, often get caught up in the “what-if’s” of a situation. Whenever you have to make a decision, you psych yourself out by imagining every little thing that could possibly go wrong.

He calls your name, tearing you from your thoughts. He’s looking at you like he already knows what you’re thinking, like he can see the tangle of anxiety you feel nestling into your bones. Maybe that’s why he reaches out to take the hand that’s not holding his keys, lacing your fingers together.

“Are you okay?” he asks. “You haven’t said anything.”

“I know, I know, I’m just...processing.” You give his hand a quick squeeze, moving the keys around in your other palm. “How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Since my last away game.” He answers right away like he doesn’t have to think about it, like he just knows. Not for the first time, you find yourself envying his conviction. “I went straight to your apartment from the airport, and you were already there, waiting. I realized how much I liked the idea of getting to come home to you, and vice versa. I’ve been waiting for the right time to ask you to move in since then.”

“Wakatoshi, that was last month. You’ve known since back then?” You stare at him with wide, wondering eyes, your cheeks already warming at the implication, growing even warmer when he nods. “And you don’t think it’s too soon? You’re not the least bit hesitant about living with me?”

“Hesitation is only necessary for those who are unsure of their desires. I know what I want, and that’s you, if you’ll have me.”

If you’ll have me. He says it like it’s easy. Like he’s already yours, to love and to be loved by.

And he is, you realize. He has been for a while, just like you have. You knew you were in love with him this morning, and you’ve known it for weeks before that, too. You just weren’t sure when or how to bring it up, but now you are.

“I’d like that. I like you– wait, that’s not right.” You release his hand, and he stares at you in confusion, the corner of his mouth curving downward. You’re quick to smooth it away with your thumb, your eyes earnest and full of affection as you correct yourself, “I love you, Wakatoshi.”

The confusion in his eyes quickly transforms into surprise. You’re not sure what stuns him more: your confession itself, or the confident, doubtless way you say it. You smile at him and take his face into your hands, careful to move his keys so they don’t scratch him.

“I’ve known it for a while. I just wasn’t sure when to bring it up, but now I am. I don’t expect you to say it back unless you’re ready, but–”

“I love you,” he says confidently, unwaveringly, and now it’s your turn to be stunned.

You blink, taken aback for a few seconds before your lips begin curving into a goofy smile. “Really?”

He hums affirmatively, and after that you can’t do anything besides kiss him. He’s quick to return the gesture, moving his mouth against yours and winding one arm around your waist to pull you closer. He pulls back from you right when you’re about to deepen the kiss. You try to pout, but it’s hard to do so when you feel as giddy and over the moon as you do now.

“Does this mean you’ll be moving in with me?”

“Of course.” You beam at him. “I’d love to move in with you, Wakatoshi.”

He smiles, his arm moving up to wrap around your shoulders, and your own smile grows brighter as you lean into him, cuddling against his side and resting your head against his chest. Things between you are quiet for a few moments, both of you basking in the comfortable silence.

You’re shifting his keys in your hand when a thought occurs to you, and you can’t help the laugh that escapes your chest.

“So this is why you let me go running with you this morning,” you tease. “You knew that if I did injure myself, that would just make it harder for me to leave, so I’d have no choice but to say yes to moving in. How sneaky of you.”

“You volunteered to join me–”

“I know, Toshi, I’m just kidding.” You grin, tilting your head to look up at him. “So, what do you say we go make some breakfast in your kitchen? I’m starving.”

“Our kitchen now,” he corrects, and your heart flutters in your chest for what must be the tenth time in the hour or so you’ve been awake this morning. It can’t be healthy for you. “And I’ll be the one making breakfast. You stay here and rest that ankle.”

He kisses your forehead and stands up to head into the kitchen. You frown at the loss of his warmth, but another look at the keys in your hand has you smiling again.

Maybe jogging isn’t so bad after all.

Written by: Dawn

#ushijima x reader #ushijima wakatoshi x reader #haikyuu x reader #ushijima imagines #haikyuu imagines #ushijima x y/n #ushijima x you #haikyu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#hq x reader #our writing #ushijima fluff #ushijima wakatoshi fluff #haikyuu fluff #dawn writes

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dameronology · 4 years ago

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it's no use, i just do {bucky barnes}

'if i just wanted someone to hold, then really anyone would do/i'd close my eyes and really try not to turn them into you, but it's no use, i just love you' - no use i just do, hayley williams

(a.k.a: the one where bucky needs a hug, but specifically from you)

eugh more bucky stuff from my drafts? yes. i think so. truth be told, I started writing this like 3 months ago (whenever flowers for vases came out) but it's been sat collecting dust. enjoy :-)

- jazz xx

p.s this is spoiler free!

The nights were always hardest for Bucky Barnes.

The dark always reminded him of the furthest corners of his mind; the ones holding his worst memories, skeletons collecting dust, rotting away until he forgot about them completely or forced them out with intensive therapy. Both were options that he was completely dreading - so he forced them down, forced them to the back and did everything within his power to ignore. It was easy enough during the day, when he was surrounded by his friends, occupied by work and the buzz of New York City.

Then the sun went away, and with the rising of the moon came the echoes and ghosts of Winter Soldier's past. Thanks to the likes of Netflix and YouTube, the modern world was filled with enough things to distract Bucky from the grips of his own mind. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

And tonight was one of the nights where it didn't. Every time he shut his eyes - squeezed them shut and gripped onto his thin blankets like a flimsy anchor to the present - he got flashbacks. Reminders of the things he'd done and the people he'd hurt. They always had the same look in their eyes, whenever they flashed into his mind. He couldn't see it then, but now he could feel again, he knew it was fear. The same look he had in his eyes every time he was clamped into a chair and forced to have the last remaining ounce of his humanity wiped.

Bucky's hold-ups about his feelings for you seemed almost comical compared to the problems he dealt with then. But he could feel more now, which meant his brain was so hyperaware of every little thing he felt for you; love, attachment, fear. All things that were enough to send him into a spiral, even if the feeling of your arms around him and lips meshed against his was the first reminder of his humanity since nineteen-forty-fucking-five.

Distance had felt like the answer. Cutting you out completely and acting like he hadn't fallen into your bed every night for six months seeking comfort. It was kind of a dick move, but it was one you understood. Actually, no, it wasn't, because you didn't understand a single thing the man ever fucking did. That's probably why you'd let him go so easily - people came and went. Maybe he was just supposed to be the latter.

How was it going, you ask? Given that Bucky had elbowed his way into your apartment complex at 3AM and was pacing outside your front door - pretty fucking terribly. Normally, he wasn't that bad at resisting the urge to seek you out, but tonight had been hard. Too hard. His hands were still shaking, shirt still sticking to his back with sweat. The nightmares had been...visual, to say the least. He felt like a monster, and you were the only person he trusted enough to convince him otherwise.

"Hey, dumbass. I have a Ring doorbell - what the fuck are you doing out there?"

Bucky jumped at the sound of your voice. Technology: 1. Barnes: 0.

The front door swung open, revealing a tired-looking you. Your hair was pushed back off your face, large nightshirt swamping your body. He knew you got mad when your beauty sleep was interrupted, but you got even madder when he suffered in silence.

"I..." Bucky trailed off.

"Nightmares. I know." You stepped aside. "Come in."

You didn't push any further, or berate him for his radio silence over the last few weeks. He was grateful for that. You were the only person who didn't ask so many questions all the time. Bucky didn't mind talking, but recounting his entire life story to Sam Wilson whilst they drove to Walmart wasn't his idea of fun.

Your apartment still felt homier than his. The walls were covered in photos of you and your friends and family, and shitty little drawings done by your various, younger relatives. Your fridge had postcards and letters hung on it, and there was clutter all over the kitchen counter. The thousands of pillows piled high on your sofa were practically a safe haven. There was a soft scent of vanilla hanging in the air from all your little diffusers, making him smile slightly.

"You got new curtains?" Bucky helplessly pointed to your window.

"How very observant of you." You placed a hand on his arm as you brushed past him. "What's going on, Buck?"

"With my life, or just tonight?"

"I don't think we have time for the first one." You fell onto the sofa. "Sit."

He took a seat beside you; not on you, but close enough so that your knees were touching. "Every time I close my eyes, I remember."

"That wasn't you." You gently reminded him, reaching out to push his hair back. "Not then and not now."

"I still did it though." He held his hands out in front of him. "These are the hands that killed innocent people. This is the brain that felt no empathy or remorse."

"No." You firmly said. "Those are the hands that fought in Wakanda, for the good fight. This is the brain that comes up with the worst jokes I've ever heard and regularly forgets to buy toilet roll."

His blue eyes wavered from the floor, capturing your gaze. He suddenly fell back against you, wrapping his arms around your waist and burying his head in your chest. Everybody else went out their way to make him seem like a monster or a saint - but you? You just made him seem like a human. There wasn't a single perfect one of those. Steve Rogers probably came close, but he was a fucking terrible driver.

"I..." Bucky trailed off. He knew what he wanted to say. Just didn't have the courage to verbalise it. "I appreciate you."

"I know." You murmured, carding a hand through his hair.

Bucky had gone to therapy. He'd taken up exercise (and boxercise and jazzercise) and yoga. He'd tried those stupid fucking cleansing smoothies that his neighbour had sold him - at the time, he had yet been introduced to the idea of multilevel marketing schemes - and gone to meditation classes. None of it worked. Not for a single second.

Then you came in the picture, and he began to see colour etched into the edges of an otherwise black and white world. Where there had been nightmares and flashbacks, he'd found a peaceful night's sleep and pleasant dreams (normally of you, truth be told). The simplicity of it was what made it so complex - because he didn't understand it. Couldn't get his head around the fact that you actually, genuinely wanted to help him.

And he knew it wasn't just your touch or the softness of your skin against his. He'd tried it - sleeping with strangers and staying around the morning after to cuddle. Anything to find human contact with the emotion and the commitment; the very two components that were the secret ingredients to the two of you working so fucking nicely.

"Thank you." Bucky murmured.

"For what?"

"For just..." He glanced up at you, blue eyes holding an emotion you couldn't quite place, "treating me like everyone else. Like a normal person."

"You are a normal person." You softly smiled. "Maybe with a little more baggage, but to the right person, that won't matter."

"Does it matter to you?"

"That's a trap." You thinned your eyes at him. "But no, it doesn't."

He tightened his grip on you, the fear and anxiety draining from his soul. He knew now more than ever that the comfort didn't come from the way he was being held, or the way he was being spoken to. It was who was holding him, and who was speaking to him. You came out on top, every time.

That was why it worked.

It was you. And there was nothing he could do about it.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes x gn!reader #bucky barnes fluff #avengers x reader #avengers x you #avengers imagine #avengers imagines #marvel x y/n #marvel imagine #marvel imagines

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mazuwii · 3 years ago

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Eren Jaeger SFW Alphabet

Authors note: I hope this is feeding you guys because I am dragging this motivation by its hair😤

I was going to do Bertholdt next but I got a request for Miche so either of them will come out next😄

If you guys can’t comment (I’ve no idea how to turn replies on) Then I’m Lunology on wattpad, just comment on my aot scenarios book and I’ll post here! <3

—A (Affection, how affectionate is he?)

•Not the most lovey-dovey person in the entire cast, Eren is really shy when it comes to conveying his feelings for you. But when you both are alone, and he's comfortable with you he can hug you, or pinch your cheeks as a way of saying "You're so cute I could squish you into nothing."

•He has a very aggressive way of showing affection, like biting your cheek, kissing places with his hands clamping shut on them, it's difficult to get him to let go.

—B (Bestfriend, what would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

•Being best friends with Eren is a wild ride. You'd think he adopted you as a best friend being the loud, boisterous extrovert that he is yet you're the one always getting him out of trouble.

•He's loud, fun, spontaneous but incredibly annoying. My guy will SPAM you with useless TikTok videos, his entire fyp on your messages.

•But he's very funny too, he crops your faces on animated videos and it lowkey looks so shit that it's funny.

•As your best friend, Eren will fight anyone who even thinks about threatening you (lmao he can't fight) so you're just stuck with scolding him and disinfecting his bleeding lip💀

—C (Cuddling. Does he like to cuddle? How would he cuddle?)

•If he gets a random wave of gratitude he'd just randomly burst into your room and hug you, it would be sooo random. You're just playing a game and this guy hugs you but as a joke, he walks around the room while hugging you so the chair you're on walts around everywhere with him. Once you understand what this weirdo is doing you just burst out laughing with him because you both look dumb.

•Like the dude is just staring into space when he remembers that one time you slapped a teacher for him, or almost got yourself in trouble to give him something and he just goes: ƈ ͡ (ुŏ̥̥̥̥ ‸ ŏ̥̥̥̥) ु COME HERE Y/NNNNNN!!

•Eren is a pretty fun boyfriend, wouldn't just stick to a cuddle session, it would be more like... playing a game on the console with you sprawled out on his lap.

—D (Domestic. Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

•While Eren wants to tie a knot when it comes to you and him, having children never ever crosses his mind. It's just fun fun fun until you're twenty-eight and you're asking when he wants to have a mini Jaegar. He just looks a bit taken back because it isn't an easy job...

•And when it comes to cooking and cleaning, he's actually somewhat good at cleaning, never missing a spot with his aggressive wiping. However... I don't see him as a cooker if you get me💀 probably burnt his finger while boiling water and never tries again.

•If we're talking about domestic then yeah maybe, maybe he does have a nice husband in him. Not one that pretends there's a spider on you when you wake up... or nOt one that hogs the pillows.

—E (Ending, If he had to break up with his partner, how would he do it?)

•He felt as if he wasn't giving you enough and that other men could satisfy you. Eren would be too scared to face you when he breaks the news so he would leave a note and completely disappear from your life.

—F (Fiancé. How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

•Eren doesn't really put labels on things, at least, he says that... the guy calls you wifey even though you aren't married. Sure he may think about it for a few minutes but quickly shuts himself down since he's extremely shy when it comes to chatting about the two of you

•Eventually when he goes to all his friends' weddings, he gets jealous and decides he should put a ring on it LMAO, you can expect him to be incredibly flustered and even play it off with a 'cool' when you say yes. It's best you hug him so that you don't see how red his face turns.

•I'm just sayin' he's going all out for your wedding, it's so funny, he's so extra... why are their ten limousines? Men shooting guns upwards the moment you both kiss?! A fucking food fight-

—G (Gentle. How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

•If we're talking about physically, he is not gentle and he doesn't even try to be. He sometimes accidentally hurts you but never misses a second to kiss the spot and over-apologise. But Eren would never think about hurting you on purpose unless it was a life or death situation.

•Emotionally, he's fragile and would love reassurance. Emotionally, towards you, he doesn't be careful, always giving you jump scares, purposely pranking you

—H (Hugs, do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

•For you, he loves aggressive hugs where it's breaking your bones and he just lifts you off the floor and violently shakes you around like he can't get enough of you.

•He loves loves loves loves LOVES hugs when you two are alone and treating you like your a happy huge dog, ruffling every single part of your body for no reason at all and rubbing you with a relaxing force...?

•Again, Eren is very shy so you'd have to start hugging him first for him to get used to it and eventually, he'll be the one knocking into your body for a bear hug

—I (I love you. How fast do they say the L-word?)

•Eren says I love you through the number of shits he gives (Not literally)... If he cares about you he worries a lot and checks up on you almost all the time so

•It would probably be at a time where he did something so risky and you got so scared that the moment you caught onto him you cried it out, he'd apologetically say it back and hug you, with meaning of course.

—J (How Jealous do they get? What do they do when they're jealous?)

•Coming from someone who tries her hardest to make this accurate, I can say Eren gets jealous to the m a x

•At first he thinks to himself that you'd tell whoever it is flirting with you to fuck off but his pride shatters when he realises you didn't say anything and it doesn't sound like you will

•My guy either walks out in dismay and gets petty with you afterwards or he walks up to you and tells you the both of you have to go home before shooting a dirty look at the flirty dude or straight up telling him to piss off

•That may result in a physical fight 💀 that guy needs anger management classes...

—K (Kisses, what are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

•For Eren, I can say that he doesn't make out often but when he does he'll probably leave your lips bruised, he has an obsession with biting your lip at the wrong time💀 he's too rough on most occasions, it isn't fun... calm down Jaegar.

•Eren loves kissing your cheek, except he bites it and leaves a slobber of saliva on it. He thinks it's cute as fuck, he won't stop.

•As for where he likes being kissed... he likes feeling delicate and loved so he really enjoys it when you sweep his rapunzel ass hair aside and kiss the temple of his forehead

—M (Mornings, how are mornings spent with him)

•The blanket is probably completely off of him and his leg is resting on your hip. He's an animal so the guy wakes up at like...6am without an alarm- it isn't even a training day! It's a day off! And he still wakes up at that early time.

•A few morning exercises for an hour before he attempts to wake you up... violently.

•Listen! Eren likes making breakfast with you, it doesn't feel the same without you- it's defintely not because he has no idea how to work the gas and oven🌚

•He's very funny and social when he isn't hungry so mornings are pretty fun with him, cracking a few jokes while getting you dirty with pancake mix (he said he can't control where flour goes, this is why you don't get him to cook)

•And then after that, it's time to shower... idk you decide if you'll go in with him¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (Just sayin' his skin is very red afterwards, my guy uses cold water but scrubs so hard with the lufa-)

—N (Night, how are nights spent with him?)

•Like I said, Eren is like a dog, he spends his days using his full energy and he makes sure to use it all up so by 22:00 he should be knocked out.

•Eren isn't too bothered on cooking so you both probably just watch something before bed while eating take out

•afterwards it's a... really boiling hot shower, brush your teeth, have a conversation in bed for a while until you're both falling asleep at the sound of your voices.

•"Hah... loser... I can...- I can see you falling asleep *Jaegar yawn* first..." even though he's the one with the heavy, falling eyelids.

—O (Open, when would he start revealing things about himself? Did he say everything all at once? Or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

•Eren is very hesitant when it comes to being emotional, he thinks it isn't very masculine so you have to remove the toxic part away and reassure him millions of times that just because he cried, it doesn't make him girly.

•It would be an accident, he'd be trying to go stargazinh with you, you were resting on his arm and he was rambling and the subject suddenly got onto him. Without realising, he spilled everything right then and there... somehow without crying.

•The least you could do was hold on his hand and squeeze it gently... I doubt he's paying attention, he's probably scowling in memory.

•It's best you reassure him that nothing is his fault, nothing could have prevented what happened

—P (Patience, how easily angered are they?)

•He is very impatient to say the least, a control freak.

•When things don't go his way, he shouts, punches walls, scrunches up his hair but the moment there are tears in his eyes, everyone needs to leave the room

•oh ho ho HOOO you don't want to Eren to cry from anger, he turns into the silent kid with a glock in his bag... leave him for an hour and you'll come back to a fully destroyed room👁👄👁

—Q (Quizzes, how much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

•He remembers dumb small details, your favourite flowers, why you don't like public bathrooms, the reason you won't stop annoying his half brother 💀 (You wanna know Zeke's wiping technique... who doesn't?!)

•However he can't for the life of him, remember your doctors appointment or to pick up your medicine... he's halfway home and goes "Fuck-"

—R (Remember, what is his favourite moment in your relationship?)

•He and you go out on a lot of dates, but they're always wacky and messy. One of his favourites was when you both attacked Armin at the beach with water guns and then both Armin and Mikasa were both searching for you to get revenge

•You two hid behind a palm tree, giggling lowly with each other, aiming to attack your two oblivious friends but little did you both know, they heard your low confident remarks and lunged from behind the tree with two full buckets of freezing sea water dumped on you.

•He always remembers that day when he drifts off into a daydream and it always makes him smile

—S (Security, how protective are they? How would they protect you?)

•Trust me when I say... Eren would kill for you...

•So in conclusion, he is very protective and would not hesitate to take far measures to protect you. He's pretty much your ride or die

•While he doesn't show his protectiveness, he acts on it... if that makes sense? Listen, he's very protective but he's sneaky about it! I don't know how to describe it

—T (Try. How much effort would he put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

•Despite how immature he seems, Eren completes all tasks in his day. And he makes sure of it

•When it comes to dates, it's very random... more spontanous but it's always something like. "Oh by the way, we're going to a waterpark this Sunday." Orrr "Babe! Get ready, we're going to eat out with Armin and his girlfriend!"

•You have an hour and a half to get ready so I would call your relationship active 😭 not even sexually active just active.

•Eren can be thoughtful but you have to shove your interests in his face for him to know what you want. Cartoon posters? He catches you watching a lot of gravity falls, steven universe, AWOG, etc... and then anytime he sees stuff to do with that in shops, he gets it for you on the way.

—U (Ugly, what are some bad habits of his?)

•Like I said earlier, Eren has some... mild anger issues🌚

•Nothing can calm him down, unless you have Ackerman strength I doubt you can stop him. He has no idea how to deal with his emotions so it just bubbles up and then he sees an object and thinks 💡 this can take my shit load of anger

•The walls probably have a lot dents yk and calming him down is very difficult but to be thoughtful, you tried getting him a few things to help him deal with his stress properly

—V (Vanity, how concerned is he with his looks)

•Couldn't really give two shits about his appearance, my guy grew rapunzel ass hair and just tied it up because I doubt he's bothered to take care of it

•Sure he wouldn't mind you washing it for him and applying conditioner, in fact, he loves it.

•Eren doesn't care about his appearance and just throws on a hoodie and sweatpants most of the time. You have to choose the shit he wears when you go out on fancy occassions 💀

—W (Whole, would they feel incomplete without you?)

•Again, to Eren, you're his world and he'd do anything to make sure that world is safe and healthy so without you, who would he feel the need to protect?

•Okay MAYBE he doesn't like worrying but he just does so I guess that would be a good thing if you broke up but it isn't as worth it💀

•But ever since you've been his sunshine cheerleader, he can't imagine a morning without your whining ass voice, or fighting with you to the bathroom in the morning, jumping on your back out of nowhere

•You're everywhere in his head, of course he couldn't feel whole without you

—X (Xtra, a random headcannon for him)

•Anytime Eren loses at something(it could be a hobby or a game) he'd stop doing it. Just dropping the entire thing.

•Unless he feels competitive, that always fires him up to do better... so in a way, Jean motivates him to do things. Those two actually care for each other but they hate each other (not literally) they're like siblings!

•Sorry, am I making sense?💀

—Y (Yuck, what are some things they wouldn't like, either in general or in person?)

•First of all, my mans fucking hates chocolate, put it near him and he'll kick it or throw it against the nearest wall.

•Like Eren was such a good boi when he was little, eating everything his momma put on his plate, even the brussel sprouts he fucking despised.

•But chocolate is his last straw. Chocolate and peanut butter. It gets stuck to the roof of his mouth and he panics like a drama queen, fanning his face like a princess and washing his mouth with his heart POUNDING against his chest

—Zzz (What are some sleeping habits of his?)

•He sleeps pretty normally, when he turns he lets out a soft satisfied groan, which I'd say is ordinary

•As for his sleeping weight, I'd say he's a heavy sleeper, you'd need to shake him to wake him up, slap his face or something because when that sleep is BUSSIN he won't be WAKIN (bad joke sorry)

•And he's gaping. Shut his mouth please.

•His hands may accidentily fall on some places on your body, he places them everywhere. Like on your nose, on your belly

Authors note:

Have you guys noticed that I don't add the letter L🌚? *shocked noises*

Jaaaa that's because I don't wanna write about kids so forgive me lmao

I'M SO GLAD THIS IS FINISHED! I WANT TO ADD EVERY CHARACTER COS I FEEL SO BAAAAAD FOR NOT DOING A LOT OF YOUR REQUESTS!

Deadass my brain just went bye bye when it came to writing and I recharge by reading actual original work by published authors, it helps me get back on track

Bertholdt/Miche is next!

#Eren #eren fluff #eren sfw #eren yaeger aot #eren yaeger #eren jaeger #Ereh!#erehhhh #mikasa moment #eren x reader

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itstheimpossibledream · 4 years ago

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Only A Play-Part 2

Word Count:3053

Pairing : AU Henry & FemBlack! Reader

Warning:Angst, soon to come Smut

Summary: Y/n and Henry still trying to navigate their mutual attraction but, their job is making it harder to deny.The next chapter is already written, there’s sex in it I swear.

"So today I want you guys to focus on working with Dana" Steve began

"She's our resident intimacy coordinator, I've already gone over the scene with her and she's going to make sure it goes over as smooth as possible. We're going to get her assistance a couple times during this process but today we're going to empty out the studio so have fun, play and get to know eachother. Today is just a day for you two to find some comfortable physicality with eachother." Stephen winks at you and then begins ushering tech and the few ensemble members out of the room. Friend or not, anyone attracted to men could not deny that Mr. Cavill was absolutley gorgeous, as wasted as it may be. In all honesty you hadn't spoken much aside from that snowy day outside the studio. He did begin to bring coffee and Kal to rehearsals and you tended to find the snuggly, bear of a dog always next to you when you were waiting for a cue but, it wasn't as though the two of you had had a heart-to-heart and resolved any of these unspoken differences. And as far as the scene was concerned your heart was doing backflips unable to tell which action would come more naturally, to kiss him or to hit him.

"So I'm seeing a lot of passion here! O !Please remove your shoes for today's lesson." Dana cuts in breaking the silence. Both of you look down at the wood paneled floor. Now was the time where you really had to work, you think to yourself while slowly slipping out of your shoes.

“Unfortunately Dana, “ Henry begins, immediately charming the brakes off of her.

“ At this point of the play I believe her character is quite conflicted, as a woman she obviously wants to give in to him but, at the same time she knows she'll be letting down her family and he will too, they'll live a life with no family outside of the one they create for themsevles. It's quite powerful.But, a tough emotional point to bring oneself to."

"That may be how Christopher sees it -" you snap referring to his character. You are suddenly aware that you sound way more upset then you had intended to. "She doesn't want have sex with him because if she does she's giving up more than him,she always has.That's the whole story of their relationship. " you say, allowing your words to be the dam between the flood of frustration you want to direct his way.

"So as you said we both have a lot of emotions here, we need to work on honing them into something that could potentially work itself into this explosion of passion okay?" Dana jumped excitedly. She looks exactly like what you would have expected from an intimacy coordinator.She wore a long moo-moo like dress and chunky amber jewelry.She smelled of a ton of weed, not as though you were really complaining but, it all added to the aesthetic that had washed into the room on her heels as she had entered.

"I want to begin with an exercise- Mr.Cavill I know you've done scenes like this before so please work with me if I touch on some things you've already heard." she says leaning over and squeezing his forearm while winking. Great even the sex scene coordinator thought he was hot.

" I'm going to give you the space to choose but I want you both to just slowly go through the scene and when you hit a line that feels acceptable you remove an item of clothing. On stage you've both agreed to full nudity but today I just want to push you to do what feels comfortable!" Quietly you both moved to the opposite ends of the room, hitting your marks to begin the scene. You said your first few lines focusing on washing the dishes, the studio didn't have running water so it ended up being more like mime washing dishes. You were so much more professional than you were proving to be in this moment but, the second Henry removed his shirt you couldn't help but feel embarrassed. On his first line?Really? That was so like him ,so pompous. And even more upsetting how ridiculously attractive he was. God was his body sculpted from marble? Nothing but pure muscle rippling evenly, he seemed somehow tanned, despite the blistering New York winter. You focused hitting your next line perfectly ,completely unphased by his topless body.With the following delivery you shrug out of your jacket, revealing your tank top. Thank christ you had expected to have a hook-up with a bartender after today's rehearsal. You weren't in full lingerie but, you were definitely in a matching set. A matching set that happened to make your ass look great. You held that in your back pocket, knowing you had every right to parade about, naked in the same room as someone who was a shoe-in to be named 'World's Sexiest Man'. You went for it, pulling off your tank top with your next line. This is when your blocking got physical. You had run this scene before but, running it scantily clad was an entirely different matter. You were supposed to straddle him. That seemed simple enough. You stood before him, gingerly sliding one knee up onto the couch and then swinging another to the other side of him.

"Are you sure?" he whispered, low and slow. You hated how during the scenes he actually had moments of completely brilliant acting where you could see an amazing talent. Then, you felt his hand on your knee. It was absurdly large and warm, so warm. You froze. You didn't want to do it but, you froze.Your eyes flitted all over the room, desperately looking for a way out , to end the scene. You feel his hand move up your thigh, it's the blocking, he's just doing his job, you remind yourself. But, something in you makes you afraid of his touch. You look into his eyes and you can tell he's noticed you shrinking under his touch. He clears his throat and drops character.Changing his intention toward Dana.

"I'm sorry can we start over? I completely forgot my line." he smiled at her.

"Sure! That was really great I think just focus a bit more on your intention. It's funny I think you guys had more sexual tension at the start of the rehearsal than at the top of the scene!" she laughed to herself. "Okay, let's take a step back, relax , stand up ! Stand up!" she says, jumping to her feet. The two of you peeled yourself apart from each other and you found yourself looking down at your perfectly perky breasts feeling more insignificant than ever. You could feel your face heating up by his move to take the blame for the scene. It was much more gentlemanly than you were expecting from him.

"How about we take a break and come back in twenty? She suggested after a few warm-ups of jumping around and saying self -assuring mantras out-loud. After half a bottle of water, redressing, boring stretches and pretending to avoid eye-contact with Henry your rehearsal was finally up.

“ Oookay guys good stuff. Goooood stuff ! So for the weekend tomorrow I know Stephen had you signed up for a few meet and greets and publicity shoots but, I actually think that if you guys could set aside the time that you do spend together to get physically comfortable it could do a lot for your onstage comfortability. Hand holding, general petting or stroking, you may even want to try a light sitting on the lap, just anything really to get you more used to one another. This relationship needs to seem as effortless and fluid as possible.” She smiled “ also note that my number is free for 24/7 communication so if something comes up for you emotionally in this work feel free to get in contact with me, even if it's just to chat my door is always open!" she beams,collecting her water bottle and other assorted scripts she was reading through at the beginning of the rehearsal.

Stephen reenters and, he and Dana go to the corner of the room to talk.

You work your back pack onto your shoulder and begin to head for the door.

"Wait up!" Henry calls out from behind you. You whirl around and almost bump into him. His sweatshirt is baggy but unzipped enough that you can see the small tufts of hair playing at the tops of his chest, his baseball cap pulled way down over his forehead. Those blue eyes shined bright from the shade under that baseball cap.

"What are your plans for tonight ?" he asked, slightly exaggerating his breathing from the light jog across the room. You searched the room awkwardly,looking for an out. What is it with him? Why did he think, especially after the last time the two of you had spent alone together, that you would ever want to be included in his plans for the night.

"Perfect Idea!" Stephen exclaims from across the room. "You guys use tonight to bond as much as possible before tomorrow afternoon's interview session yeah?"

"Uhhhh sure ." You agree, not wanting to seem like the town buzz-kill. You turn shrugging towards Henry. He smiles, seeming almost relieved that you agreed without putting up a fight, as Steve moves to rejoin Dana in the back

"So uhhh my place or yours?" he asks in a half hearted joke.

"Uhhh" you definitely don't want him at your place, where there is laundry strewn all over the apartment .

"I mean I have to feed my dog and run some errands anyway so my apartment would be ideal."

"O great! Okay yeah , let's do that then." you pushed on the door and headed for the elevator, the ride down to the lobby of the rehearsal studios was entirely silent, filled with awkward shuffling and avoided eye contact. Only punctuated by a short uber black ride in silence to an apartment on the upper east side. Ofcourse he lived on the upper east side.The doorman was polite as you followed behind him, clearly him bringing strange women up to his apartment was not entirely unheard of. Once in the room, you asked where to sit your bag down, your afternoon ritual usually included a trip to the gym, that is what had become your me -time since college. He motioned you to his guest room, in which you were shocked,contained a shower, granted the entire tiny room was a shower but, being a guest in New York with your own bathroom was definitely not an everyday thing. Especially, for a little black girl from the south.

"Is it okay if I shower before we grab dinner?" you ask.

"Oh! You wanted to grab dinner?I was just going to order chinese."

"That's fine! " you ungracefully exclaimed from the other room.Shit. Hopefully he didn't think you really meant grab dinner like on a date.

"Do you have a special order?"he asked, appearing in the doorway. You turned around slightly alarmed that his voice had gotten that much closer.

"I love everything!" you smile, he looked down at the floor nervously. "but shrimp lomein is my favorite." you say unzipping your jacket and placing it on the bed, your bra was working overtime holding you up and you made a mental note to order another one exactly like it. He cleared his throat and there was a second of silence. You could feel his eyes slowly darting around the room trying not to look at your chest. As actors, especially ones who have to do nude scenes together you didn't think it would be a big deal to him that you were getting ready to shower. You had mentioned on the elevator earlier that you had wanted a shower. Taking off your jacket just seemed like the right next step, nothing to feel weird over.

"Sounds Good!" he exclaims, finally showing you his full smile, for the first time since the rehearsal process had started. God he was a sight, he had removed his hat and you noticed how perfectly his hair curled onto his forhead.It was adhered by sweat but, not the weird homecoming- football helmet sweat, you get from your highschool crush. This was a grown-man glistening infront of you. It sounded ridiculous, the situation itself was ridiculous,why was he even sweating ?

"Sorry-I uh- I didn't know you were showering right now. We can talk about it later if you-"

"It's fine" you say, stepping in and laying a hand on his forearm.His eyes shot down to your hand then immediately back to your eyes, sure to avoid seeming like he was staring at your breasts. He clears his throat again and you can smell the faint cologne on him as you watch his adams apple bob. The air in the room changes and you feel him shift away from you. You mumble a thanks for the dinner as you hear him close the door between you.

Your shower was perfectly steamy and warm, much unlike your brooklyn apartment that had charm and character but, a much worse hot water heater. As you washed away the dirt from the day you tried not to think of Henry, of what he must think of you for absolutely chewing him out just a few short weeks ago. He seemed to have gotten over it but, at the same time perhaps he was just trying to be the better person. As much as you hated to admit it he had completely accepted your scathing critique and was now treating you like the highest paying guest at a five-star resort. You turned down the hot water, basking in the last bit of steam and enjoying the first true silence of your day. Reaching an arm up, you grab a towel, wrapping it around your body. You stretched out for another towel that you had laid across the sink, somehow your legs completely slipped from under you and you crashed to the floor,grabbing the sink for leverage. Really all you did was knock over some toiletries that you had put on the sink earlier and you could feel your cheeks heating up. It was weird to be embarrassed in a room by yourself but, you knew he must've heard something. You sat on the floor, allowing your chin to rest on the top of your knees. You desperately needed a moment to breathe. Life had been so stressful lately, and you possibly had let off a bit too much steam on him. He was actually a nice guy, sure the accessible information on him didn't make him look amazing but when it came down to it once you explained how you felt about him he had worked so hard to seem normal and accessible. For whatever reason he seemed to respect your opinion as an artist. The knock at the door kept you from becoming completely lost in your thoughts. It knocked again and you could hear his feet shuffle on the hard wood outside of the door, the nails of the large dog clicking the floor next to him.

"You okay in there?" It seemed earnest enough.

"Yeah!" you called back "My mind has really been somewhere else lately, I just umm lost my footing- that's all."

"Okay well let me know if you need anything." It was cheery but helpful. Once you heard him close the door to your room you got up and got dressed as quickly as you could, fumbling to get sweatpants on without accident. Today was definitely not your most agile day. You finally let your hair down and put on just the smallest amount of mascara to make your eyes pop.It was an effortlessly hot look that had worked for you for years, especially in college. You closed the door behind you and gently padded your way to the kitchen. The apartment was cozy, Kal was curled up on a rug in the corner of the room while Henry portioned the food onto pristine white plates. You noticed the baseball cap was back on and at least thanked god for giving you that small assistance in removing the temptation to touch him by running your fingers through his hair.

"So you order takeout but refuse to eat it out of the container?"you asked jokingly as he whirled around from the counter.That smile appeared on his face again and you knew you were putty in his hands,The way he filled out his navy blue t-shirt was unbelievable.

"It's less calories this way." he winked. Thank god he had a sense of humor.You returned his smile now sitting in the chair closest to the kitchen. The conversation veered from workout routines, to body image stress as a performer and then back to work. You found yourself sucking a noodle wishing he'd bring up something else. You absolutely could not do a night of niceties and small talk at this point in your life but, you also weren't ballsy enough to walk right up to him and tell him you wanted him.

"Y/N?"he asked

"Yeah?" you jumped being pulled once again from you daydream

"Do you wanna run lines or watch tv or something?"he asked shyly

"Yeah I mean -we can run lines if you want I just thought we were supposed to bond by talking or something." you laughed trying to take the edge off the awkwardness of the scenario.

"Well what do you want to talk about ?' he asked, leaning back in his seat, baseball cap over his eyebrows.His jawline was so sharp it could cut ice, it dawned on you that he was actually much too goodlooking for his own good.

You picked up a fortune cookie at the center of the table and tossed it to him.

"Read me your fortune."you smiled seductively. He raised his eyebrows at you but, something must have convinced him because he simply shook his head and said.

"Okay."

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datleggy · 4 years ago

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Totally random thought I had right as I am going to bed but ya know that show "I didn't know I was pregnant"? Buck would be on that show lol the boy is oblivious when it comes to his own body, so like I can perfectly picture him collapsing on the job one day wracked with pain, and then Hen is poking around his stomach where it hurts, her, Buck and Eddie packed into the back of the ambulance as Chim and Bobby drive to the hospital, and she gets out the stethoscope to try and listen for internal bleeding or anything but instead finds an infant heartrate and she's like "Buck, you're pregnant?" And he's like "uh, no? What the hell?" And then his water breaks and he tries to convince hen and Eddie that he had an accident bc even that would be a better alternative to suddenly figuring out he's about to have a baby???? What the fuck???? But Eddie holds his hand all the way through it and by the time they get to the hospital, Buck has a healthy newborn cradled against his chest, Eddie knelt beside him and alternating between kissing buck and the baby on the head, and observing the baby in disbelief. I can also picture Buck like, sobbing his sorry's to Eddie the entire time he's pushing, like "Eddie I swear I had no idea, if I had known, I would have told you!" And Eddie is just reassuring him the entire time like "don't worry about that now, Buck, just concentrate. No one is mad, okay? But you gotta focus on the- on the baby" and buck just sobs and nods and focuses on the delivery again. But for a good while Buck is in denial that any of this is happening and it takes a lot of convincing and encouragement from both hen and Eddie for him to start actively participating in his baby's birth. Anyways, random half asleep thought is finished sorry for the long ask hdshsjjsjdbsjsj

WELL SHIT ok so i actually love that show and i could see buck doing this lmao so i wrote a thing. also ignore all medical inaccuracies, this is my distraction from monday lmao let me have this wildly inept fic pls.

also just in case, it’s pretty brief, i think, but TW for talk of weight and weight gain

It's nearing the end of their shift now and Buck can almost hear his feet howling at him in pain. Today hadn't even really been all that busy, he thinks, annoyed at his own body's betrayal. He's not even thirty yet, but in the last couple of months he's felt as though he's aged about ten years.

He's put on a few pounds, which isn't too uncommon, sometimes Buck goes through stretches of time where he eats more carbs than he needs and works out less than he'd like and so a little tummy fat is to be expected.

It normally doesn't bother him, except that in the last maybe three months he hasn't felt like exercising much outside of work but he's eaten nearly everything in sight every night. He's up about fifteen pounds, which he wouldn't have even noticed, seeing that he does fluctuate at times anywhere between five to eight pounds over or under what he usually weighs, if it hadn't been for Chimney teasing him about putting down his third Krispy Kreme donut of the day and picking up a barbell earlier this morning.

Chim and Buck poke fun at each other all the time--it's a staple in their friendship and brother ship, in fact--and Buck had flipped him the bird, nothing new there. What had been new was the fact that he'd excused himself to the bathroom right after that and locked himself in a stall and bawled his eyes out as quietly as humanly possible.

Buck grimaces, embarrassed still, by the outburst, even if no one had been there to witness it. He still has no idea what the hell that had been about this morning.

Eddie notices the sour mood and pulls him in close. "Hey, you ok?"

Buck nods. "Yeah, just tired. Ready to go home--shit." Buck feels a shooting pain so intense his knees buckle and Eddie has to hold him upright to keep him from hitting the floor.

“Woah!” Eddie calls Bobby over, who’s closest, for help, “Buck? Buck, you with me? What’s wrong? What hurts?”

Buck just shakes his head and grits his teeth, the pain so debilitating he can hardly breathe much less speak.

The Captain is on his other side in an instant and together Eddie and Bobby help Buck towards the couch, where he collapses in a heap, throwing his head back and letting out an agonized whine. “What’s going on? Did he get hurt during one of the calls?” Bobby asks Eddie, frantic to help put a stop to this.

Eddie’s helpless, “Bobby I don’t know, one second we were talking about going home and the next he practically fell to the floor in pain.” he turns to face his husband, “Baby, I’m here, look at me, what’s the matter? What hurts?”

Buck’s face scrunches up and he finally exhales sharply, his grip on the couch cushions loosening, and he opens his eyes, wide like saucers, and says, “What the fuck was that?”

At this point Hen and Chim, as well as half the crew, have gathered around and Hen is quick to put on her doctors hat and try to sus out the problem. She makes Bobby step aside and Chimney hands her a stethoscope. “Buck, is it your stomach?” she asks, noticing the stiff way he’s holding himself around his midriff.

“I don’t--kinda? I don’t know. It was just like, this crazy wave of pain, almost like a cramp, but way worse.” he struggles to describe the feeling now that it’s more or less passed for the time being.

Hen had seen Buck wince when he’d been in the harness on the last call of the day, but he hadn’t said anything and she hadn’t thought too much about it until now. “Did you hurt yourself in the harness earlier? Maybe pulled something when we reeled you back up?” she asks, palpitating his stomach with her fingers, watching him almost retract from her touch.

“Maybe?” Buck shrugs uncomfortably, wincing when she hits a particularly sore spot.

Something about this feels familiar and strangely obvious, but Hen doesn’t understand why until she puts her stethoscope up to his belly to check for lack of bowel sounds, indicating maybe some internal bleeding or sorts.

Hen gasps out loud and sits up like she’s been smacked.

Eddie frowns. “What? What’s wrong? Is he gonna be ok?” He almost wants to snatch the damn stethoscope out of her ears and check for himself, his eyes darting between Hen and Buck nervously.

“Buck, you’re pregnant. And in labor, by the sounds of it.” Hen blurts out in disbelief.

“What.” Buck blinks at her, waiting for the other shoe to drop. This has to be a joke.

“I heard a heartbeat in there...” Hen informs them, still awed. “Buck, that was a contraction you just experienced.”

Eddie gapes at Hen and then at Buck. “You’re pregnant?”

Buck gapes right back at him. “No!” he denies, shaking his head incredulously. “That’s insane, I can’t be pregn--ah--” Buck leans forward in pain as another contraction begins. “Fuck.”

“Jesus, yeah, no you’re definitely pregnant,” Chim announces, “Your water just broke all over my favorite couch, bud. I’m getting the ambulance ready asap.” he says, before running to do just that, head reeling. He thinks about Maddie and when she gave birth to their daughter and how scared out of his mind he’d been and he sympathizes for Buck and Eddie, who up until now apparently hadn’t even realizes they were expecting...

Back at the lounge Buck continues to deny any of this is even happening. He whines into Eddie’s chest, “That’s pee, it has to be, because I’m not pregnant. There’s no way.” he lets out a pitiful whimper as another contraction begins and buries his face against his husband to hide the tears springing up in his eyes.

“Buck, son, we gotta get you to a hospital right now.” Bobby tries, running a soothing hand over the top of his head.

But Buck shakes his head no, shuddering out a sob. “M’not going.”

Eddie, overwhelmed, looks to Hen and Bobby for help.

“Buck, ambulance is ready to go, we need to move unless you wanna have this kid at the firehouse.” Hen grimaces. “I know you’re in pain and I know you’re confused and hurting, but we need to get you into that ambulance and now.”

Buck cries out when another contraction hits him and Hen gulps. “Your contractions are getting way too close together, we need to move.” she nods at her Captain and Eddie to help get Buck up and together the three of them manage to get Buck onto a gurney and into the waiting ambulance.

Bobby rides up front with Chimney, leaving Hen and Eddie to work in the back with Buck.

“Buck, you need to start getting ready to push, this baby’s coming.” Hen warns him, but Buck refuses.

“I can’t.” he sobs. “I didn’t--” he throws his head back, the pain lighting his nerves on fire. “I swear Eddie, I didn’t know. You gotta believe me.”

Eddie takes Bucks hand into his and brings it up to his lips. “I know baby, I know, you don’t have to worry about that. I promise. Nobody is mad at you, ok? I’m not. But right now you need to focus on pushing, you need to listen to Hen, ok? We’re ok, and you’re gonna be ok, but I need you to push, baby. I love you so much, you know that, right?”

Buck lets Eddie wipe away his tears, leans into the comforting touch, and nods shakily, exhaling. “O-ok, I’m--I’m ready.”

**************

The baby is so very tiny in Eddie’s arms.

Olive Buckley-Diaz is born weighing exactly six pounds and two ounces.

Christopher, who’s curled up against Bucks side on the hospital bed after a very exhausting day, looks up at his Buck, his little brow still knitted in confusion. “So she was a surprise baby? And that’s how come you guys didn’t tell me about her?”

Buck tries not to laugh. “Yeah bud, it was a huge surprise to us, too.”

Eddie nods along, smiling fondly down at the bundle he’s holding. Her blotchy red face is slack in sleep and there’s already tufts of brown hair sticking up funnily on her head under her hat. “I still can’t believe you only gained like fifteen pounds during the whole pregnancy.” Eddie chuckles, “Or that you worked through the nine months, God Buck, when I think of the stunts you pulled during calls in the last few months alone I’m--” he shudders. “Actually I’d rather not think about it.” he sighs, “I’m just happy you’re both healthy at the end of the day.”

Really, it’s a miracle. The doctor had said as much after the delivery.

“To be fair I never got any of the other symptoms,” Buck shrugs. “I wasn’t nauseous, my feet never swelled, I don’t remember any weird cravings? And you said it yourself, I didn’t really gain all that much weight.”

Eddie leans down to kiss Buck’s forehead. “You should be on that show.” he grins.

Buck tilts his head.

“You know the one, the one Hen made us watch when work was slow that one time. ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’.” he teases.

Buck groans. “I regret all the jokes I made at the time. I totally get those people now. Pregnancy is weird.”

Christopher rests his head more comfortably against Bucks chest and smiles softly. “Yeah, but now our family’s even bigger.”

#mpreg #911 fox #i didn't know i was pregnant #i love that show #lol #ask #ficlet #writing #buddie #established relationship #buck #eddie #christopher #family

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capaimagines · 4 years ago

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choi yeonjun - i would

Pairing: best friend!Yeonjun x Reader | Genre: angst & fluff | Warnings: body image comments, reader struggling with weight, themes of depression | WC: 1.5k

Request: Yeonjun X chubby reader being very insecure and starts to neglect herself from her friends

“Maybe you should just get a bigger size,” Your friend suggested. You frowned a little at her words as you believed the dress didn’t look that bad.

“I think this looks fine though,” You said, “If I get a size up it’s going to look like a potato sack,” You continued to explain as your friend bit her cheek, looking you up and down to which made you suddenly feel self-conscious and turn back to the mirror.

“Look,” She grabbed some of the extra skin that was hanging out of the torso part by your arms, “It’s too tight that it’s making you look bigger. You have extra skin just flapping about,” Well that was a knife to your pride.

You had always struggled with your weight from the moment you were born. You had done dieting, going to the gym, getting a personal trainer, everything. You just never seemed to shed the extra pounds. You weren’t fat by any means and somewhere deep down, you knew that. You were just thicker than most girls your age.

Instead of a gap between your thighs like most of your friends, yours rubbed together. Your stomach stuck out a little, but not enough for you to feel like it was making you look bigger than you felt. Eventually, you had given up trying to lose the weight and had done your best to embrace it. You weren’t fat, no. Though, you could acknowledge you were chubby at least, but that was okay.

What wasn’t okay though was when your friends would joke about your weight or make nasty comments as well as sly ones. It always brought you to a dark head space. Did you want to look like the models everyone sees on the cover of magazines and in commercials? Of course, who doesn’t? You had enough common sense to know that not everyone could look that way naturally.

“There! Much better!” Your friend said with a bright smile. She had brought you the same dress in a bigger size and while you thought it was a little too big, you went along with it. You didn’t want extra skin hanging over your clothes.

“Perfect,” You deadpanned, staring into the mirror.

“Come on, Y/N! We’ll go get your favorite sweets! We all know how much you love them!” She winked and you felt another jab at your weight but said nothing as you went along with it.

You returned home to your lonely apartment and glared at the shopping bag with the dress in your hand. You wanted nothing more than to just rip it up and burn it now. You felt your stomach growl but pushed it aside. You could skip dinner today, besides, you didn't need any more excess skin.

You sat on your bed, wallowing in self-pity when your phone rang. You couldn’t help but smile as your best friend’s name flashed across the screen. Choi Yeonjun. You had been friends since you were little, practically like siblings. Even though his career was taking off, he still found time to talk with you and check-up. You plastered a smile to your face, answering the face time call.

“Jun-ie!” You said cheerily and you saw him frown,“W-what?” You stuttered.

“Please, Y/N. You act like I don’t know when you’re faking excitement,” You deflated, hating him a little bit for how well he did know you, “What’s wrong, bub? You said you were going shopping today with your friend. Shouldn’t you be happy?” You shrugged, not saying anything.

Yeonjun had always been there to defend you when one of your friends would joke about your weight. He seemed to be the only one that didn’t mind if you were on the chubbier side, “It was fun. I’m actually just really tired, Jun. Yeah. Can I call you tomorrow maybe?” He frowned but agreed and you hung up. You just wanted to be alone right now.

The next day came around, however you didn’t call him. You answered his messages, but even you could tell they were distant. Your friends had asked you to come out with them to some club, but you ignored their messages. You didn’t want more reason to hate yourself than you already did. You had spent the morning doing crunches, eating some healthy food that was bland but good for you.

You even went for a jog earlier, but you quickly came back. Every time you felt your thighs jiggle or your butt shake you were paranoid that everyone else could see it too. You just wanted to shut yourself away in your apartment. At least others couldn’t see you.

That went on for a few days, you dieting again (healthily) but refusing to leave your apartment. You did home work out videos in hopes that it would help. You had pulled away from your friends, only responding when absolutely necessary and you had never been more grateful to have a job where you could work at home. At least you wouldn’t have to squeeze into a pencil skirt.

There was a knock at your door and you raised a brow as you wiped some sweat off your neck. No one had told you they were stopping by and you hadn’t ordered food or anything online.

“L/N Y/N! I know you’re in there! Open this door right now!” Your breath hitched at the sound of Yeonjun’s angry voice. You really didn’t think he would have noticed or even had time to come see you.

You cleared your throat and opened the door, refusing to meet his gaze, “What are you doing here, Jun? Don’t you have practice today?” You tried to keep your voice void of emotion but you did miss your best friend.

“I did, but you also have barely talked to me all week. I think this is a little more important,” He explained as he stepped in, closing the door behind him and staring down at you.

The corner of his mouth quirked up in a smile that he was trying to hide. He always thought you were cute and he did miss you, “What’s wrong? I know you haven’t gone out all week. I talked to your friend. She said you keep blowing them off or telling them you’re too busy,” You just shrugged, walking to the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of water. Yeonjun followed you with narrowed eyes.

“Do you think your nutritionist would let me use your diet plan?” You asked absentmindedly and Yeonjun’s eyes went wide.

“W-why?” He questioned, Is that what this is about?” You shrugged again and Yeonjun grunted at your stubbornness. “Tell me what happened,” That’s all it took for you to spill what had happened when you went shopping with your friend last week.

You told him how you had gotten stuck in that bad head space. How you were going back to dieting and exercising and refusing to leave your apartment unless it was necessary, “I mean, look at this!” You pinched your cheek, pulling it out, “Who wants to date someone that has extra blubber everywhere?!”

Yeonjun chuckled, shaking his head, “Go put the dress on,” You looked at him, becoming annoyed. You just told him how much you hated that dress and now he wants you to put it on?

“Choi Yeonjun! I just told you! Why would you want me to put it on?!” He rolled his eyes, lazily placing his chin in his hand that was propped up on your counter.

“Just go and put it on, Y/N.”

You stormed away, giving in because you knew if you didn’t put it on, he was going to force it on you himself. You grumbled the whole time as you slipped out of your workout clothes and into the dreaded dress, with a scowl on your face as you walked over to your full-length mirror and scrutinized yourself. You were so wrapped up in glaring at yourself and being annoyed with Yeonjun you hadn’t seen him walk into the room.

“Boo!” He said quietly and you jumped turning to him.

“Yeonjun! What the hell is wrong with you?” He smiled at you, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind and placing his chin on your shoulder. You felt your cheeks heat up slightly, but this was normal. Yeonjun was always touchy. You tried to pull his hands away from your stomach, “You probably don’t want to feel that,” You muttered.

He spun you around to face him, dark brown orbs staring hard into your light ones, “You said who would want to date someone like that, yeah?” He asked and you gulped, understanding that his tone was angry. He never liked when you insulted yourself. Or when you got down on yourself. You nodded, averting your gaze to his chest, willing the unshed tears to remain unshed until her left.

He gently lifted your chin up with his hand, staring into your eyes as he leaned in.

“Well,” He began as he rested his forehead against yours, “I would.”

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softsebnbuckystan · 4 years ago

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Soul ties - Part 6 (Bucky Barnes au)

"Hold, hold on, hold onto me

'Cause I'm a little unsteady"

Word count : 2061

Sleep didn't seem to come to you that night, and you didn't know whether the reason was the pizza you'd had for dinner, your husband's obvious neglect or your supposed soulmate sleeping in the same building. After tossing and turning in your bed for over three hours, you grabbed a pillow and a plaid, put on your slippers and went into the main kitchen. A herbal tea under the stars should be a good way to help you sleep, right? You tried to stay as silent as you could despite the boiling water in the kettle – you always refused to microwave water – and picked some chamomile infusion Wanda had chosen. With your cup in one hand, you opened the picture window. One thing you liked about the compound was the few balconies it had : they weren't too big, but they were large enough for you to sit on a pillow and look at the stars, your back against the wall. You were once again trying to spot constellations, the August sky being perfect for this kind of exercise.

"Can't sleep?"

You almost spilled your tea on your plaid.

"Sorry I scared you."

You smiled weakly at the man who'd just joined you. "It's fine. Wanna sit here with a fellow insomniac?"

Bucky ran a hand through his hair before sitting on your left. His right arm brushed against your exposed skin and you tried to hide your shivers.

"What's keeping you up?" You ask. "I mean, you obviously don't have to tell me."

"Nothing much. Some nightmares."

"Are they ones about...about the war?" Your question startled him ; he shot you a confused look as you lowered yours. "Sorry. Steve told me a few times about his best friend Bucky and I... I made the connection."

"I thought Steve avoided talking about those things."

"What? The way he lost you?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry, that was tactless."

"Don't worry about that." He looked at the sky, leaning his head against the wall. "Wanna tell me what's keeping you up?"

"Well, it's quite ridiculous really," you eluded.

"Steve told me why you're spending time here. Is it him that keeps you up at night?"

You sipped on your tea for a few seconds. "I guess so. It's just that I keep thinking about what I'm doing wrong, you know? I must be doing something wrong."

You heard him take a breath, his shoulders raising with his chest. His arm against yours felt strange, in a good kind of way. You'd never felt so close to anyone in such a short amount of time, and you wondered what made him so special aside from the meaningful tattoo you shared.

"I don't think you're to blame. Can I be honest?"

"Sure."

"I'm sorry if I seem out of place, because we only met a week ago but..."

"You feel like I get you, right? Just like I feel that you get me."

He nodded calmly. "He doesn't seem to realise who he was lucky enough to marry."

"Lucky, huh?"

You looked at him with a smile and had it not been so dark, you could've sworn a red tint had reached his cheeks. "You're hella smart," he explained. "And from what I've seen, you're kind."

"And you think that after two days with me?"

He shrugged and allowed himself a quiet laugh. "You let Sam get the last piece of pizza earlier. I would have never done that."

"True. That is my most selfless act ever." Jumping on his joke felt natural and as it turned out, he had a communicative laugh.

"Why don't you laugh more often? I like it."

Bucky looked you in the eyes, paralysing you with his blue pupils again. It seemed as if he was searching for what to say.

"There aren't a lot of things that make me laugh. You do, though." This one didn't sound like a joke, and you placed your hand on his forearm, instantly sending a funny feeling down to your stomach.

"Consider me flattered," you said. "Can I ask you a question? Don't feel like you're forced to answer, though."

"Sure."

"I'm just curious, working in biochem and stuff... I'm basically the school nurse for theses guys," you explained. "So how does it feel, the metal arm? Do you...feel things the way you do with your right arm?"

He stopped for a moment. "I did not expect that question. That's a good surprise." He raised his left hand in front of him. "It's weird, actually. This one is really advanced. Shuri did an amazing job with it, but... sometimes I'll touch something and think I feel something. I know it's my brain playing tricks on me, but it's not that sentient. I feel pressure, tension...but not actual human sensations." He let his hand fall down on his knees.

"Do you miss it?"

"I got used to it. But yeah."

"Okay, close your eyes."

"What?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Y/n, we met last week."

"I know! But like, it's not a 'do you trust me with your life' situation. Think of it as 'do you trust me with basic skills' kind of thing." You chuckled. "Now close your eyes."

Bucky gave in and you gently grabbed his metal hand. "What do you feel now?" you asked, stroking the back of his hand.

"I know there's something on my hand. And I know it's harmless. But...nothing more, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's part of you."

"And you don't mind that?"

"Why would I?" you shrugged. "It's you."

"Even if I were to do this?" He slowly raised his hand, approaching your face. You let him place his hand on your cheek. It didn't feel like flesh and bone, but it still felt right.

"Yes, even then." You held up his gaze, searching those blue eyes for any sign. Signs of what exactly, you didn't know yet. All you wanted was to stare into them forever, never leave this state of mind.

When Bucky's hand fell down your shoulder and kept running down your arm, a thousand shivers ran down your spine. You couldn't – shouldn't – feel this way. You were married now, and doing this... To prevent you from doing anything stupid, you looked away and leaned back against the wall. Getting away from him still was out of your league, though ; you settled for resting your head on his shoulder and spread your plaid over both your bodies. It might've been because nights were fresh, even in August, but it was mostly to make sure you were as close to him as you could be. Before falling asleep, the last thing you felt was Bucky's head letting itself fall on top of yours.

---

"Hey, you need to wake up."

The morning sun made you blink and you felt something on your thigh. Lowering your gaze, you noticed Bucky's hand. You tried not to freak out and looked up at whoever had spoken : Steve. Bucky shifted next to you, woken up by Steve's words as well.

"What's going on?" you asked. Steve might have been the best at hiding concern, he couldn't always hide it from you.

He sighed. "Darren's here."

"Shit." You got up more abruptly than you should've, causing you to lean on Steve's shoulder for a second. "Where is he?"

"Right here."

You turned around, seeing Darren standing in the doorframe. Well, that was unfortunate. You thought you should've been feeling some sort of guilt after being found in another man's arms – technically ; all you felt was anger. You were angry that he'd showed up after standing you up last night, you were angry about the neglect and his overall lack of care.

"What are you doing here?" you asked sharply.

"Bringing you home. Why didn't you come back?" His arms were crossed over his chest and he shot Bucky a furious look. "And why were you sleeping outside with this guy?"

Rubbing your forehead, you gestured towards Steve and Bucky. "Could you guys leave us a minute, please?"

Even though Steve nodded and walked back inside, Bucky seemed unsure about leaving you alone with your husband. You gave him a brief smile and he took the hint. As you closed the door behind him to have some privacy – the door was made of glass, but oh well –, Darren started pacing.

"Did you cheat on me last night?"

"What the hell?" You couldn't believe your ears. "You're kidding, right? You stood. Me. Up. You didn't even bother telling me in advance that you'd go at Brad's, and you didn't even come home. Didn't you think I was tired of being alone every night?"

"You're never alone."

"Damn it, Darren, you came home past dinner every day since we got married! We should be on our honeymoon right now, and yet you don't even bother kissing me goodnight."

"That's all this is about? I work a little too much and you go away to your so-called family?" He'd stopped pacing and raised an eyebrow, proud of his innuendo. His insinuating Steve and the gang weren't your family made your blood boil.

"So-called? So-called, Darren? I love these people. They are my family and they've been more present for me today than you have in a week. What did you expect? That I would happily ask to be invited at Brad's, when I clearly am not welcome there?"

"You are welcome, what the hell are you talking about?"

"They don't like me, and you know that very well." You looked at the ground. You might've been angry, but never being able to fit in within Darren's social circle had always hurt you.

"Maybe you're not trying hard enough."

No words came out of your mouth. How could you say anything to that? This was the ultimate insult. You had given so much to this relationship that you'd never even thought that 'not trying hard enough' could've been the reason they disliked you. First dinner with them, Brad's wife had made fun of what was left of your Sokovian accent, asking Darren if he wanted you to help you get a green card. Of course you'd called her out on her racism. She got upset, but was it your fault? No. During a night out, Brad had been too handsy with you and when telling Darren about it, he'd told you that you were reading too into it, that he was just being friendly. They weren't good people, and you'd always wondered why Darren bothered hanging out with them.

"That's it, go away." You let out an exasperated sigh, opening the door. "You're going to leave the compound to go home and calm down. Maybe I'll be back in a few days."

"I'm not going anywhere without you." That could've sounded romantic. In his mouth, it sounded more like a threat.

"Hell yeah, you are. Now go. My birthday is in three days, and I don't want you to be like this then."

"Right, your birthday. Don't count on me to celebrate it if you don't bother coming home."

You closed your eyes for a moment before gesturing him to leave. He ultimately walked through the glass door and you saw him make eye-contact with Wanda on his way out. You knew she was trying hard not to throw him against a wall or something. You ran your hand through your hair, taking in what had just occurred. You knew Darren would feel better the next day and that it would be like nothing ever happened. You just weren't sure anymore whether it was a good thing or not.

"Don't worry, you can stay here longer," you heard Steve say.

"You're better off with us anyway," Wanda told you.

"You know he's-"

"Please, don't defend him," your sister pleaded. "He's not treating you right and you know it. He hasn't for years. Why are you-"

"Wanda, please. Not here."

You looked at Bucky out of the corner of your eye ; you didn't want to have that conversation in front of him, for some reason. Maybe deep down, you knew he'd side with Wanda. Having your sister call you out was hard enough ; you didn't need your soulmate to start doing it as well.

--- I just finished part 9 so I'm posting part 6 because I can't wait to have your opinion on this one!! Don't forget you can message me anytime to be added to the tag list :)

Tag list :

@ginger-swag-rapunzel @joscelyn02

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #james bucky barnes #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan imagine #catws #cacw #captain america #tfatws #self insert #x y/n

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echo-of-sounds · 4 years ago

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adhd pt.2

How Fatgum, Gang Orca, and Midnight would help and support their s/o who has ADHD. Midnight’s are a little shorter than the others. I had a hard time thinking of more headcanons for her.

Warnings: nothing incredibly explicit, but a couple of these talk about sex

Toyomitsu Taishiro

Tai is a friendly guy. He talks to everyone when you're out and about. Sometimes it's fine. Sometimes it's a lot to handle. He wants you to immediately tell him when you’re starting to feel overstimulated or anxious. Before it gets too bad, he’ll carry you to a safe space. And it doesn’t matter where you are, his sweatshirts are yours. Weight can be very grounding and with his size, they’re very heavy. He’ll hold you close and talk you through the emotions.

Any time you lash out, he might try to ease the tension by making a joke. If you’ve ever been angry, you know jokes just make it worse. He’ll give you time to gather yourself when he realizes you’re actually angry. He won’t snap back. Fighting isn’t what he wants to do. Take some time to cool down. You’ll find him waiting for you with a smile. It’s hard to get him angry and it doesn't hurt his feelings when you lash out, but you should still apologize. He would appreciate it.

Feelings overwhelmed can erupt suddenly. When you sit down at your desk and there are five notebooks, scattered pens and pencils, loose papers, and just useless junk everywhere, you feel completely engulfed under them. It’s almost like you can’t breathe. You don’t know where to start or what to do. Tai will set some time aside to help you sort through your stuff. He may not know exactly where everything goes, but he really wants to help. He hates the look on your face when you’re overwhelmed and he’ll do anything to make it go away.

Lack of restraint and risk-taking behaviors are the most concerning to him. Sure, impulsively buying a dumb stuffed animal is one thing. But buying a new gaming system and four video games is another. The costs add up quickly. Or maybe you take another shot at the bar because screw it, you only live once. Then you do that over and over. ‘Just another shot’ turns into ten more. Your safety is always his number one priority and he worries himself sick thinking you’re going to damage your finances, career, or worse, yourself.

If you didn’t catch what he said, he has no problem repeating himself. Though he worries you aren’t paying attention while you’re in public or when something important is happening. He doesn’t want you mindlessly agreeing to something that you don’t actually want to do or potentially getting hurt. Like how you fling your arms out when you’re talking and hit someone or a wall. To ease his anxiety about you, he’ll hold your hand a lot and offer to give you piggyback rides.

He has a little trouble focusing on smaller tasks as well. He would much rather be doing fun activities out in the world. So he understands your trouble. He also understands how you forget to vacuum even though you promised you would. He isn’t annoyed. He’ll remind you when you’re home to do it.

Since Tai is such a big guy he taught himself to be gentle early on in his life, particularly when it comes to sex, therefore he isn’t worried if you have sexual hypersensitivities. He's also great at communication and loves talking. He’ll ask what positions you can’t do and where you don’t like to be touched to ensure your comfort is at its max. During sex, if your attention starts drifting, he’ll let you take over to help keep you focused.

Gang Orca

Kugo’s a clean, organized man. To him, it’s helpful knowing that everything has its place. If you leave bowls and books around or are an overall cluttered person, he’ll pick up after you. Eventually, when your clutter gets to be too much, he’ll create a routine and a to-do list. Before bed, look at the list and look around the room if there are any pillows to put back on the couch or papers to straighten out.

Having physical sensitives is something Kugo can understand. While it’s not to the point he’s overstimulated like people with ADHD have, his skin is still quite sensitive- more than your ‘average’ human skin because of his mutant-type quirk. Whatever you need for self-soothing, he can bring to you when you’re starting to feel overstimulated. Your favorite heavy quilt will be wrapped around your shoulders and he’ll light some vanilla candles.

He’s utterly unbothered by tapping, fidgeting, or restlessness. However, he’s deeply concerned when he notices blood on your lip or fingers. It’s mindless. You don’t hurt yourself on purpose. No matter how many times you explain, it won’t quell his worries. He just really hates seeing you bleed. Out in public, he’ll hold your hand to stop your picking. At home, he keeps a close eye on you and points out your unhealthy habit so you can find a fidget toy or a pen to click. He hopes if he does it enough times it’ll become a subconscious reaction for you to grab a toy to play with instead of your body.

High mood swings and anger are easy for him to take. Your quick snaps go in one ear and out the other- mainly because he knows it's not about him. While he understands the frustration comes at the flip of a switch, he strongly urges you to find ways to deal with your emotions in a healthy way. He’s willing to listen if you want to talk it out. He’s willing to go to the gym if you need to exercise it out. And (if you’re at that point in the relationship), he’s willing to have sex if you need to fuck it out.

Kugo loves listening to your interests. He supports any and all of your studies. Are you currently into a new TV series? He’ll buy you posters and action figures for surprises on your bad days. Or is the Viking culture suddenly fascinating and you need to learn everything about it? He scoops up some obscure book from that bookstore he passes every day. Even though his presents might not be exactly what you’re looking for, his excitement and passion to support you is really cute.

Focusing on smaller tasks is incredibly difficult. You strain yourself then get frustrated then give up. Seriously, that one piece of paperwork should take ten minutes tops to complete. But it ends up taking over two hours because you just can’t sit and do it. Whenever he notices you fussing at the table, he’ll sit down with you so you can go through the paperwork together. Having someone next to you is helpful. They keep you on track and guide the way through the long passages of words and seemingly confusing questions.

He's uneasy when it comes to any sexual sensitivities. It takes him a while to be ready for sex in general, but if you’re hypersensitive, it’ll take him a hell of a lot longer. He’s so scared of hurting you, especially since his fingers are more like claws and his teeth are sharp. He tries his damnedest to be gentle because he’s always scared that he’ll overstimulate you to the point you’re crying. Your sexual relationship will start with oral and fingering, plateauing at that for a while until he convinces himself he won’t hurt you.

Kayama Nemuri

Thoughts that bubble up and instantly spout from your mouth are common. Half the time you don’t even realize you spoke. Nemuri will be a little miffed if you keep interrupting her. She doesn’t want to forget her train of thought. She knows you have difficulty controlling it but she would appreciate it if you let her finish her sentence so she can fully listen to and understand yours.

Fidgeting and squirming don’t annoy her. She’s a Hero and a teacher. She’s become desensitized to all sorts of restlessness. Though she is in the same boat as Aizawa in that, if you’re a clicker or tapper, she’ll ask if you could find something else to fidget with. But she won’t snap at you as he may. She has a serious soft spot for her partner and rarely raises her voice.

However, those times when your anger gets sparked because your lotion bottle broke or you thought you had more of your favorite chips and you lash out when she asks what’s wrong, she’ll get defensive from time to time and might snap back. It depends on how long her day was and how tired/stressed she is. Most of the time she can reel herself back, realizing you’re not angry at her. But if she had a hard day, her retort comes quickly and sharply. It’s enough to make you pause, recognizing how you reacted to her simple question. When you apologize, she will too, wanting to make up as soon as possible.

Her quirk is quite convenient for overstimulation. If you give your consent, she can emit a tiny amount of her aroma to relax you. If you need serious instant relief, she can put you to sleep. But she won’t rely on her quirk every single time. She doesn’t like completely knocking you out. Any self-soothing techniques you use, she’ll read about and work out ways she can provide you with what you need.

Nemuri will have to change her outlook on sex a little bit. She’s very dominant, loves being the active partner, and dips (more than a little) into sadism. But she’s experienced. She’s aware her kinks aren’t always liked. Before you’re ever intimate, she’ll sit down with you to set clear and defined boundaries about what you can take. If pain is something you can’t handle or just don’t want, she’s fine without it. Her love for you is more important than her kinks.

#fatgum #fatgum x reader #taishiro toyomitsu #taishiro toyomitsu x reader #gang orca #gang orca x reader #kugo sakamata #kugo x reader #midnight #midnight x reader #nemuri kayama #nemuri kayama x reader #fatgum headcanons #gang orca headcanons #midnight headcanons #bnha #bnha x reader #bnha headcanons

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honeybomb4thebear · 4 years ago

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Nsfw alphabet for Nekomaru?? 🥺👉👈

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH YES MY HIMBO. WOULDN’T WANNA BANG HIM BUT I LOVE HIM

Other anon who asked for the smexy himbo, here it is!!!

NEKOMARU NIDAI N//S*FW ALPHABET

A=Aftercare - What they do/act like after sex. ⦁ So soft uwu! He'll be so caring and handle you so well, you'll melt. Nekomaru is a caring person already, and it only increases after sex. Let yourself get spoiled by the himbo....

B=Bondage - Are they into BDSM, and how far they’ll go if they have a green light. ⦁ hMMm i get experimentalist vibes from him. Don't get your hopes up though, he isn't into it much.

C=Cum - pretty self explanatory. ⦁ ...Good luck because he cums a lot, like, a lot ❤ but he takes his time too, so... It's sweet yet salty at the same time, idk how

D=Dom - Are they dominant, submissive, a switch? ⦁ Without a doubt, dominant! He is one of the most dom characters in the franchise imo aksjdakdjahdkj he is so mature and understanding........

E=Edgeplay - Similar to ‘Kinks’ except it’s a lot riskier than usual kinks (knifeplay, breathplay, etc.). ⦁ Why do I feel like slight breathplay..? AKJSAKJAHSKJAH he isn't really keen on hurting you so slight choking is the best he can do

F=Fantasy - A fantasy of theirs (ex: a teacher/student fantasy). ⦁ Mutual masturbation. I feel like he'd love to watch you touch yourself while your half- lidded eyes are looking at him. What a sexy thing to get himself off to! He likes it when you guys do it while you are sitting on his lap too. To tease you, he will grind his dick against your sex. Sheesh, now that's just unfair... Dw though you two end up having sex after that

G=Got Caught - How they react when they get caught having sex. ⦁ I... Feel like he would not notice because he is too focused on you. OR, if he did notice it he'd let out a laughter while still telling the other person to get out.

H=Hot Spots - A place that drives them crazy when stimulated (EX: neck). ⦁ Nekomaru doesn't have a hot spot, even tho he knows all of your hot spots like the back of his hand. But it does turn him on when you touch and compliment his abs, though.

I=Intimacy - How romantic they are, or can be, before, during, or after sex. ⦁ He is blunt during sex, but that doesn't mean he isn't romantic. Like he would make jokes even without intending to make them, which causes you to giggle a bit. It's alright though he likes it when you laugh so he will talk about how cute you look when you laugh- it's kind of a pleasant rollercoaster, really.

J=Journey - Their ideal way of leading up to sex. ⦁ Cuddling, while watching TV was supposed to be all innocent yet you know that Nekomaru likes it a lot when it's not. It always leads to sex, without fail.

K=Kinks - I’ll list a few of their kinks, be they the normalized ones or kinkier kinks. ⦁ Slight scent kink. He doesn't mind sweat, like, at all. Y'know what I mean? ⦁ Also, mirror sex?? Is so hot??? For him??? Like wow. He likes showing you how beautiful you look while pounding into you. The full view drives him crazy, his thrusts get even more intense. ⦁ And finally, biting kink. He likes marking you, especially with his teeth.

L=Location - Where they like to have sex at, do they like risky locations, etc. ⦁ Aside from bed, maybe some of the gym equipments? He likes combining sex and working out, so it'd very hot for him if he could take you from behind as you try to do some sort of a back work out. Is it too weird? Sorry lol

M=Masturbation - How they are when they get themselves off, what they get themselves off to. ⦁ His sex drive isn't that high so he does it when he gets random erections, I think. Like I said, he'd love to get himself off to your naked body, like right in front of him but if not he has to use his imagination...

N=NO - A few things that they will absolutely, under no circumstances, ever do. ⦁ Knifeplay. If something has to make you bleed, it will be his teeth so... Yeah.

O=On’s - Their top turn on’s that they have (things that’ll get them super horny super quickly). ⦁ Seeing you all turned on turns on him too. He just loves seeing you hot and bothered, he thinks you look so adorable and hot at the same time.

P=Position - Their favourite position to have sex in. ⦁ That position where it's missionary but you put your legs on his shoulders, or he pushes them all the way back to your shoulders. Anything that combines exercising with sex, basically. ⦁ I just feel like he'd be willing to do Kama Sutra positions.

Q=Quickie - Do they like it, do they prefer quickies over actual sex, etc. ⦁ Not a big fan of them honestly. He likes to take his sweet time with you, enjoy you fully and just have fun with you. So yeah, he prefers actual sex for sure.

R=Rough - How rough they are, or get, when in bed. ⦁ He gets too caught up in the moment... So you will have trouble walking. But don't worry, he can do "it" to you anytime so that you become more energetic!!

S=Stamina - How long they can go before they tap out. ⦁ Y'all... He is keeping you up all night KJSHKJAHSDKHAKDJAH He works out a lot, he has a healthy diet and is a healthy boy with a strong body overall, you do the math.

T=Toys - Do they use toys, do they own them, what kind, etc. ⦁ Why can I imagine him demanding you to work out with a vibrator up your ass/coochie? I just... Can. So yeah, he owns vibrators. He says it he uses them on you for "exercising purposes" but you know that that's not it, at all.

U=Unfair - How much they tease you, how they tease you, etc. ⦁ He doesn't like seeing you in pain, but what he does like is seeing you all turned on. This man knows everything about you. What turns you on, what turns you off, what pushes you over the edge... In other words, he has complete power over you. So yes, he WILL tease you, the exact way that will keep you up on your toes, the way that you will end up throwing your pride aside and beg for his sweet touch.

V=Volume - How loud they get when having sex, things they might say, etc. ⦁ He is quite loud actually, because he enjoys it fully. He is blunt during sex, I mean as always, but that just makes his compliments more geniune. Like you better believe him when he compliments your ass, belly and thighs.

W=Wild Card - a random letter for the character of your choice. ⦁ Nekomaru is the one most comfortable with his body, so I think he'd have absolutely no problem trying the costumes you bought for him. He is already super manly, so why would he be insecure? Buy him an erotic bunny costume he will laugh at first but will wear it nonetheless. It looks good on him too and he knows it---

X=X-Ray - How they look with their clothes off. ⦁ BURJ KHALIFAAAAAAAAAAAA. Seriously, be careful when you give him head, or you might just choke. It's 29 cm at length, 24 at girth. ⦁ Needless to say, he is muscular af. Himbo king of the Danganronpa, sorry Kaito

Y=Yearning - How often they need to have sex. ⦁ I doubt Nekomaru that is a horny boy, but I feel like he'd keep up with you. Like I said, you being horny turns him on as well so if you think about it, he does too. If you don't, he probably won't either.

Z=ZZZ - How quickly they fall asleep after having sex. ⦁ He is NOT sleeping 'til you, his little spoon, are sleeping peacefully between his muscular arms. Peacefully, so don't worry about getting crushed between them, you'll be more than okay.

#nekomaru nidai x reader #nekomaru nidai #danganronpa #sdr2

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femboty2k · 4 years ago

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Long post about something I think about a lot and that doesn’t matter to anyone else but me probably

I’m sure there’s a million posts out there on why good representation is important and good but I just wanted to talk shortly about something that happened to me in a recent span of a few months involving a character in a dumb game about collecting jpegs of anime women and hunky dudes with giant swords.

There’s a game called Granblue Fantasy, its an extremely popular gacha game/JRPG with a very large roster of characters and a lot of stuff to do as far as reading through character lore, fighting JRPG battles, raids, and basically playing VNs for character dialogue. It’s a pretty good game, and one of the coolest things about it, is it has (to my knowledge, I dont play/keep up with it very often) 2 canon trans characters. One is named Cagliostro, an alchemist who was born as a man but through extensive experimentation and some self discovery has since transitioned into a woman, hell bent on making herself as cute as possible. Fun right? She’s presented extremely well and is one of the game’s more fun characters. The second character is one that has become a personal favourite for me for many reasons, her name is Ladiva.

Ladiva is a part of a race of people called the Draph. The Draph are a humanoid, and pretty much human looking, race of people with their defining features being their large stature and bovine like horns and ears. This is important because male draph are usually much larger and more muscular than female draph (but its a horny anime game so who can say they’re surprised lol). Ladiva, as my discussion here makes obvious, is a trans woman belonging to these folk. Because of this, she’s both quite large, muscular(and more masculine presenting on the surface), and has rugged looking facial hair. The surprising thing about her presentation in comparison to how she looks, is that she’s presented incredibly well. despite her appearance being not as feminine as it could be (with Cagliostro even offering to make her a new totally feminine body only to have Ladiva refuse, stating that she should love her own body along with the rest of herself) she’s treated as what she is, a woman.

So why am I talking about this? Why am I putting my poorly put together thoughts on this tumblr post no one will read? Well, I am trans. I have felt a certain way about myself all my life that I’m sure most trans people can echoe so I won’t wast time waxing poetic about how I’ve always felt more feminine than I was “supposed” to be. My core purpose of this post comes from the fact that I am 6′2, nearly 300lbs of muscle/fat/body hair, and have had a full beard since I was 14. I am EXCEEDINGLY masculine, which has made my own internal struggle with my transness sort of difficult to accept. A sort of constant push and pull of wanting to just repress it all because I already pass as a man and wanting to work towards being who I know I actually am. Another factor is that I never felt truly comfortable with purely feminine pronouns. In highschool I went by a different name, and I used she/her pronouns and for a while it felt okay. But it was always just, okay. It never felt right on top of several people giving me some rather hurtful backlash for it and how it contrasted so much with my physical appearance. So I stowed it all away until about a year ago. I now have something that I didn’t have before, a truly wonderful and supportive group of adult friends who treat me like an adult as well and take me seriously. So through careful examination of how I felt i began trying new things to explore my identity. It began with me deciding I wanted to use they/them pronouns, this stuck and still feels like its the right thing for me along with the label of Nonbinary. However, slotting myself into this new label and finally feeling comfortable in an identity brought about new thoughts as well as new things to mull over in my head. Things like the fact that most nonbinary representation in media falls under the same category of a waifish AFAB person who presemts femininely if not androgynous, and how people like me are a vocal minority within the community itself even being excluded by a small portion of it. It was a new set of things to tackle and think about. But that aside, with them came the most important thing I asked myself, “am I comfortable with how I am now? Or do those thoughts I had all those years ago mean something?”

This question isnt easy. Gender is a strange subject and is different to everyone who experiences something with their identity, so I wont pretend like I have any definitive answers for anything because, there arent really any of those. The question for myself, boiled down to “Am I more comfortable identifying as transfeminine, or am I comfortable with just being nonbinary.” This question vexed me for a little while. It hurt to think about. A lifetime of bullying and being made to be ashamed of my body type and stature had made my confidence in myself rather lackluster. This made the decision more difficult. It would be easy to try and own a sense of pride in being a masculine presenting nonbinary person. There aren’t many of those in representation as I mentioned before, and at the time it made me feel nice to think that it was what I wanted. But those thoughts I had all those years ago did mean something, and thats not who I am. The answer I ultimately came to, was that I am trans, and want to present more feminine than masculine, because that’s who I know I am, and not just what I think would be easiest. So, to bring it all together, how the everloving fuck does this relate to a character from a gacha game? Well, when i first saw Ladiva I nearly wrote her off as a character that probably was used as a disrespectful joke on trans women and how they’re viewed. She’s not though. She has an entire montra of loving herself and others for who they are and owning every aspect of herself, including her body. She’s not a small lady, she’s a large/muscular wrestler who, in no mistake of words, still looks very masculine, right down to her facial hair. But none of that matters, not her appearance, not her beard, not her height, she’s still a woman and she’s seen as one by the others around her because, well, that’s what she is. She makes it known and others accept, or at the very least, respect it. It was something entirely new to see something like this in a form of popular media, and in turn it gave me an odd sense of self confidence in my own current appearance, even though I do intend on changing it through HRT and other means (exercise and other health related means). It meant a lot to me to see someone who was, in at least some way, like me who was loved by the community of the game she was in. And it still does. In conclusion, Ladiva is a very cool character, and her existing gave me a boost of confidence that helped lead me towards accepting things about myself that I had found it hard to previously. Go look into Granblue if you like games like that, there’s even a fighting game that came out not too long ago. Thanks for reading, if you did, this whole post is long and kind of dumb because I’m kind of dumb. But I wanted to put it somewhere. Have a nice day <3

#rambling #long post #ladiva #granblue fantasy #thanks granblue #kinda dumb just ignore me lol #im just talkin to myself #trans #guess ill throw that tag on there #shrug #nonbinary #gender stuff

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sleepless-in-starbucks · 5 years ago

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All the Reasons I Love You

Ao3

Summary: Virgil wished he could say he didn't believe his mother. Wished he could say he knew her ugly words were also ugly lies and nothing more. But even lies could hold truths, and in this case, Virgil knew hers did- after all, really, who would want to love someone as broken as him? Content: Panic attacks/anxiety, mentally/emotionally abusive parent, mentions of death/dying as jokes (as in no one’s actually dead they just joke that they’re going to be), self-deprecation, self-esteem/self-worth issues, nb!Remy, genderfluid!Logan Pairings: Platonic to romantic Analogical, background romantic Losleep, platonic Sleepxiety, ambiguous future Analosleep

You’re better than this.

I know you’re not this weak. Why do you always act like you are?

No one’s going to want to pick you up if you keep falling apart.

Virgil slammed his locker shut, leaning his forehead against the cold metal. He and his mom had had another fight the night before, and he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Correction: He had had a panic attack and his mother had yelled at his prone and shaking form. She just called it a fight because then it made it look like they were both in the wrong.

Virgil couldn’t even remember what had caused it- something she had said, probably, but who knows. All he really remembers is not being able to breathe, falling off the couch as he struggled to get through his counting exercises, his mother watching him with open scorn as she belittled him.

“You’re never going to get a wife like this.” She had said as he choked on his own hurried breaths. “No one’s going to care about you if you’re so useless.”

It was always about marriage. As if that mattered to Virgil. His mom didn’t even know he was queer- something he had no plans to ever tell her. He had just focused on trying to breath, a task that had become a little easier once his mother had given up with her insults, stalking off to aggressively wash the dishes. As soon as he could stand without the world completely greying out, Virgil had run off to his room, locking himself in and staying there until he had to leave for school the next day.

“Greetings, Virgil.”

Virgil turned his head, still pressing the side of his face against the locker even as he looked at the speaker. Logan was as put together as always- their black and midnight blue hair was pulled into a neat braid, and they were wearing a simple NASA t-shirt that was tucked into their clean and un-ripped jeans. Pinned to the dark leather jacket they had on was both their genderfluid pride pin and their ‘they/them pronouns’ pin.

“Hey, Lo.” He returned, finally moving so that his shoulder was leaned against his locker and not his head. “Remy give you xir jacket?”

“I stole it.” Logan responded. When Virgil raised an eyebrow at them, Logan sighed. “Fine, yes, xe gave it to me and refused to let me give it back.”

Virgil chuckled. “I think Remy’d give you the world if you wanted it. Xe’s not going to make you steal xir jacket.”

Logan smiled, the corner of their mouth tipping up. “Fair enough.” They said happily. Their smile fell in the next moment, however, being replaced by what Virgil was sure was meant to be a neutral expression but instead came out as a very nervous one. “Virgil, I was wondering if you are free after school today?”

“Um, I am.” Virgil said, frowning in worry. “Why?”

“I need- want- need to discuss something with you.” Logan said before adding on quickly, “It’s nothing bad, I assure you.”

“Uh huh.” Virgil said, tone faintly disbelieving. He appreciated that Logan had tried to ease the anxiety they clearly knew would flare at the words ‘I need to discuss something with you’ with the addition, but given how hurriedly they had added it and the fact that their fingers were tapping repeated against their thigh (one of their nervous stims), it hadn’t helped much. “As long as I can get a ride home, I’m free.”

Logan nodded. “Of course. Meet you in the park?”

“Works for me.” Virgil responded. Logan nodded again, just as the bell rang.

“I have to go.” Logan said, as if Virgil didn’t also have to go. “I have chess at lunch, so I won’t see you then- after school, though, I will?”

“Yeah, you will.” Virgil confirmed.

“Great.” Logan said, their tapping stopping for a moment as they smiled. “Have a good day, Virgil.”

“You too.” Virgil told them as they turned and rushed down the hall, trying to beat the bell to chemistry. Virgil remained at his locker a moment longer, his classroom close enough he wasn’t worried about tardiness, instead allowing his mind to briefly wander and settle upon what he was worried about- his newly set after school meeting.

“I’m going to die.”

Remy took a long, noisy slurp of xir iced coffee. “No, you’re not.”

“Yes I am.”

“No you’re not.”

“Yes I-”

“Hun, as fun as this is, I do not need to deal with you getting yourself stuck in an anxiety spiral right now.” Remy interrupted him, now checking xir nails, painted in shades of black and pink, the colour choice having clearly been made to match with xir pink tank top and black jacket. Virgil thought it still worked, even if xe’s jacket was currently being worn by xir partner. “You haven’t even explained why you think today’s your last.”

Virgil slumped over the table, letting out a groan. “Logan wants to talk to me after school.”

“So…?”

“So, they were clearly nervous about it!” Virgil exclaimed, turning his face downwards and pressing it against the table top. “They’re going to kill me.”

Remy laughed. “No offense, darling, but I don’t think Logan’s much of a killer. Well, killer looks aside. Besides, what do you care? More time with your friend and crush can’t exactly be the worst thing the world-”

“Crush-!” Virgil jerked back up, eyes wide. “They’re not my crush!”

Remy titled xir sunglasses down so that xe could stare at Virgil in disappointment. “Sugar, you ain’t subtle.”

“Yes- but- you’re dating them!” Virgil resorted to, as if Logan being a taken enby made it impossible for Virgil to think they were cute and nice and clever and-

“I’m poly, they’re poly,” Remy shrugged as xe spoke, pausing to sip xir drink, “I’m not exactly the jealous type… if you’ve got a thing for them, babes, you might as well just admit it.”

Virgil didn’t respond immediately, but soon enough he was slumping down again, crossing his arms on the table and resting his head on top of them. “Yeah, alright, whatever.”

Remy smirked. “Now, was that so hard?”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to die at that meeting.”

Remy sighed. “You’re not going to die at that meeting.”

Virgil glared heatlessly at Remy. “You can’t promise that.”

“They’re my boo, I’ll make sure they don’t kill ya.” Remy said, pulling xir phone out of xir pocket and checking xir messages. “Hmph.”

“What is it?”

“Logan’s reminding me iced coffee doesn’t count as lunch.” Remy said, looking back at Virgil with a mildly exasperated smile. “That nerd won’t let me get away with half my old habits anymore. It’s almost annoying.”

“Self-care being gently forced upon you by your beloved.” Virgil said, tone dry with sarcasm as he finished, “Yeah, that sounds awful.”

“Oh, hush.” Remy said, waving xir hand dismissively as xe put xir phone away. “And come on. I’m not letting you get away with ‘I had a big breakfast’ if Logan won’t let me get away with iced coffee.”

Virgil huffed but he still got up. “Why must you force your partner’s policies upon me?”

“Because you’re my friend so I want you to practice self-care too, and I don’t want to suffer alone.” Remy said as xe headed for the cafeteria doors, Virgil following xem. “Plus, I figure they’re gonna be both our partner soon enough anyways-”

“What?!”

“Oh, uh,” Remy faltered for a moment, glancing back at Virgil, eyes masked by xir sunglasses but xir expression obviously conflicted. It smoothed out after a moment, however, and xe continued confidently, “well, your secret is officially out now, sweetheart. Shouldn’t take me too long to get y’all matched!”

“I- oh- Remy-” Virgil tripped over his words, biting his tongue as Remy stopped to look at him in confusion. “You don’t have to do that, Rem, really.”

“Trust me, sugar, it’ll be my pleasure.” Remy assured him, resuming xir walk towards the exit. “Won’t harm either of us if I try, anyways, yeah?”

Virgil didn’t reply to that, simply continuing to follow Remy in silence. Because it could harm one of them, specifically himself, when he was forced to confront Logan’s reaction- which could range anywhere from awkward pity to outright disgust.

After all, while his mother certainly had no right to say the things she said, the things she said were still true… and Logan was so capable, so smart and able to take care of themself… well.

Someone like them wouldn’t fall in love with a ball-and-chain.

Virgil was going to die.

He was standing at the entrance to the park, Logan seated at a picnic table not too far away from where he was hovering. They hadn’t seen him yet, busy scribbling something or another on their paper, but Virgil knew he didn’t have forever to panic.

So he was taking what time he did have to mega-panic.

He had briefly considered running away from the whole situation, but Remy was watching him from the street, waiting in the car and playing the role of both waiting chauffeur and watchdog.

“You’ll do fine, darling.” Remy had assured him, smirking. “Though, if Logan does kill you, I’m obligated by partner code to help them hide your body.”

That exchange had not put Virgil at ease.

Virgil wasn’t even close to finishing his several internal panic attacks when he realized Logan had looked up from their work and spotted him. They were waving him over, smiling. Virgil gulped and tried not to wobble as he made his approach.

“There you are.” Logan greeted, voice warmer than Virgil had expected from them. His ‘stolen’ jacket now bore both their ‘he/him’ and ‘they/them’ pronoun pins. “I was beginning to worry you weren’t coming.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t do that to you.” Virgil said, trying to hide the tremor in both his voice and hands as he sat down across from Logan. “Just had to stay a bit late in sixth- sorry.”

“It is perfectly alright. No need to apologize.” Logan assured him as he started pushing their papers into his bag. The quick look at them that Virgil got revealed them to not be the equations he had been expecting to see- instead, it was simply covered in back-and-forth lines and meaningless doodles; distractions, things to focus on instead of whatever had them so worked up.

So this meeting had Logan stressed too. Great. Super. Utterly fantastic.

Virgil bit down on the inside of his mouth, trying to keep what little bit of his cool he had left. “So. Something you needed to talk to me about?”

“Uh- yes.” Logan confirmed, though Virgil didn’t miss his hesitation. They looked away from Virgil, his hand once more on their thigh and tapping out a beat too fast for any song to follow.

“...Can I know what it is you need to talk to me about?” Virgil asked, really starting to hate this theme of him starting the conversation. He wasn’t good at it normally, and right now he felt he was only doing worse.

Logan nodded, but didn’t say anything right away. Virgil nodded too, an echo of Logan’s movement, deciding to give Logan their time to respond. A minute or two stretched before Logan took in a deep breath, the tapping on his thigh finally coming to a stop as they turned to Virgil. He smiled, a small nervous thing that immediately had Virgil even more on edge.

“Virgil,” They started, that one word alone spiking Virgil’s blood pressure, “you are my friend of five years. I have known you since seventh grade. I like to believe that, in the span of time between then and now, we have grown… close.”

“That’s how friendships work, specs.” Virgil said, trying to beat down the demon of paranoia that had arisen to explain to him that Logan was clearly about to disown him, or perhaps shoot him.

“I am aware, trust me, I just-” Logan cut himself off, laughing nervously and glancing away for a moment before once more returning their gaze to Virgil, “I’m no good at this.”

Virgil laughed a bit too, albeit more anxiously than nervously. “And what’s ‘this’?”

Logan let out a breath. “You are aware that I am dating Remy?”

“Hard not to be, what with you wearing xir jacket and everything.”

“And you are aware that I am polyamrous and that we are in an open relationship?”

Virgil swallowed. “Remy told me earlier today, yeah, though I don’t see why that could be important-”

“I like you!” Logan exclaimed, suddenly, almost panickedly. “Well, love you, more accurately put, but I hope I get my point across-” Logan itched at the back of their neck, looking sheepish. Virgil, for his part, had been frozen since Logan had said those first three words. “I meant to do this much more… eloquently, but I- well, I’m never good with this. You can ask Remy, I yelled it at xem in the middle of a Starbucks- Virgil? Are you okay?”

Virgil, to his mixed horror and humiliation, didn’t respond, finding himself still functionally frozen in place. His unresponsive exterior wasn’t a very accurate depiction of his inner turmoil, however- he could feel his heart pounding against his ribcage, his heartbeat drumming in his ear, his lungs constricting and his throat closing up.

Useless

Weak

No one’s going to want you

Virgil hated that he knew he was only proving the voices right- proving his mother right. But he couldn’t help it. All he could do was choke on nothing and wait for the insults he knew would soon be coming-

“Virgil!”

When had Logan gotten so close? Virgil could’ve sworn he was seated across from him, but now they were next to him, and his eyes were really wide, and they looked really worried and that couldn’t be good so why was Logan worried what had him worried-

“Virgil, I need you to breathe with me.” Logan’s voice was much calmer this time, and Virgil was much more inclined to listen to it. It was reassuring, grounding, familiar.

He jerked when his hand was touched, but when he realized it was Logan holding his hand, gently guiding it to rest on their chest as he breathed exaggeratedly, he relaxed, trying his hardest to follow Logan’s breaths.

Virgil wasn’t sure the last time he had come down from a panic attack so quickly. It helped, he thought vaguely, somewhere in the back of his mind, to have someone helping you instead of yelling at you.

“Virgil?” Logan repeated Virgil’s name once more, this time softly, concern colouring his tone. “Are you okay?”

“I- yeah.” Virgil said, still feeling breathless. He didn’t try to move from his position, hunched over and leaning towards Logan, the hand Logan had pressed against their chest remaining there. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologize.” Logan told him easily, lowering his hand from their chest but still holding it, helping to keep Virgil grounded. “If anyone should be apologizing, Virgil, it’s me. I never thought that my confession might- I didn’t think about how your anxiety might cause you to react, and I am so, so sorry for that.”

Virgil waved him off with his free hand. “Don’t worry about it.” Logan opened their mouth to respond, but Virgil simply waved dismissively once more. “You couldn’t have known, Lo. It’s not your fault.”

Logan didn’t make any response to that, but Virgil could tell they wanted to. The silence stretched for a moment before Logan began, “If you want to go home now-”

“Why?”

Logan shut up the moment Virgil spoke, eyes wide as they looked at him in confusion. “Why what?”

“Why- why me?” Virgil asked, disliking how weak he sounded but having no way to remedy it. “I mean, you already have Remy, and I-”

Logan still looked confused. “Why you?” They repeated, perplexed. “Why wouldn’t it be you?”

Virgil chuckled, but it was harsh yet shaky. “I’m an anxious mess who overthinks everything! I have a panic attack every other week! I had a panic attack when you tried to tell me you loved me! I don’t exactly have that many redeeming qualities- especially when you look to Remy, who’s got confidence, and style, and-”

Logan’s small smile returned as he squeezed Virgil’s hand, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Virgil, I’m not picking out partners based on objective merit. If I was, I wouldn’t be dating Remy.”

“Xe’s your partner-”

“Xe’s sweet and has no braincells.” Logan corrected, still smiling. “But I love xem, because I think xe’s cute, and xe makes me happy- simple as that.”

Logan was looking at Virgil now, his smile growing as they moved to hold one of Virgil’s hands in both of his own. “Yes, you have anxiety, and yes, you have panic attacks, but that doesn’t nullify all the reasons I love you.”

“Reasons you… reasons you love me?” Virgil repeated, voice quiet and vulnerable.

“You’re thoughtful regarding everything you do.” Logan said without preamble. “And you’re respectful towards all. When bored, you doodle band logos on the backs of your hands, and you run your fingers through your hair when you’re stressed. You sing rock songs under your breath when you think no one can hear and your voice is heavenly when you do so. And sometimes you smile without even realizing it, and I- I think you’re prettiest then, because you’re relaxed and you’re happy and you’re absolutely beautiful.”

Virgil didn’t know how to respond to that outside of gaping at Logan, feeling once more breathless but now in a good way. “Really?” He managed, just barely.

Logan squeezed Virgil’s hand again, scooting closer to him so that their knees could bump up against each other. “I would never lie to you, Virgil, not about this.”

Virgil nodded, more to himself than Logan. “Okay.” He said, quietly.

“Pardon?”

“Okay.” Virgil repeated, this time louder, before he allowed himself to slump fully forwards, head falling upon Logan’s shoulder, exhaustion from the panic attack and the sudden need to be much closer to Logan mingling together and pushing him forwards. Logan reacted immediately, releasing Virgil’s hand to wrap their arms around him instead, holding him close but not too tightly.

“So…” Logan started, uncertainly, though not as nervous as they had been when Virgil first arrived in the park. “If I asked you to be my boyfriend… what would you say?”

“Yes.” Virgil replied without a thought, the answer already long decided. “I’d- I’d love to be your boyfriend.”

Almost as soon as he had said that, Virgil could feel Logan pressing a kiss to his head, gentle and sweet. “Good. Because I’d love to be your partner.”

Virgil pressed himself closer to Logan, head still pressed into his shoulder. “Lo?”

“Yes, my love?”

A giddy little smile appeared on Virgil’s lips at the petname. “I love you.”

Logan chuckled at that, also sounding rather giddy themself, choosing to press another kiss to Virgil’s head. “I love you too.”

Virgil knew the moment wouldn’t last forever. Soon enough, he’d be once more asking if this was possible and deciding it was not, doubting Logan and their love and falling back into the familiarity of his mother’s words.

But Logan would be there when that happened, just like he was now, to hold Virgil and remind him of the truth- to love him. Because Virgil knew that this wasn’t perfect. But he also knew that it was real.

And that was enough.

#analogical #ts logan #ts virgil #ts remy #ts sleep #background losleep #ambiguous (future) analosleep #basically do you think remy and virgil would remain metamours or also end up together #it's y'all's call #platonic sleepxiety #the cryptid speaks #ts sides #sanders sides #fanfic #fanfiction #nb!remy #genderfluid!logan #logan stims because in my head they have ADHD #but it's barely there so idk see it as you will i guess

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