#jesus fucking christ there’s something wrong with me
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thereareeyesinsidethetrees · 7 months ago
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have i told anyone about my bizarre headcanon that the nightmare realm is alive, is represented by a giant serpent-esque thing, and ‘recycles’ fords when it deems it needs to?
#this is connected to the ‘stan is connected to the axolotl and ford is connected to the nightmare realm’ thing#you might be wondering. why does our snake friend destroy fords when it deems it needs to?#the nightmare realm is significantly more unstable compared to the axolotl#(which is really just a representative of the entire multiverse in this extended headcanon thing)#the axolotl can create new material anytime it wants#the nightmare realm cannot do this#so it goes ‘alright. that one got lost between the folds of space-time#i’ll just break it apart and use the fragments to make a new one’#the problem is the motivation. it claims it wants to get rid of bill and alright that makes sense#but then bill is gone and it’s still doing it so really why?#because the serpent is made of those shattered pieces and needs to recycle fords to sustain itself#it sends one out and they live for a while#and then it consumes them and makes a new one#if it ever stops doing this the nightmare realm will collapse and it will die#the fords though? the fords will live on without it just fine#and all because the serpent and its sibling thought it would be fun to make some twins#it did not think about the consequences in the long run#anyway. this is where my mind goes when left to wander#i gave the fucking nightmare realm a character and motivations#also they’re sort of like. adopted siblings? cosmically found family?#they’re in a symbiotic relationship- the multiverse and the nightmare realm i mean#bill is what we call a parasite#jesus fucking christ there’s something wrong with me
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casualavocados · 9 days ago
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Chen Yi + gentle hands in Ai Di's hair KISEKI: DEAR TO ME (2023)
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silvermoon424 · 1 month ago
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Y'all I've been feeling like I was dying the past few days and it literally just occurred to me that I'm badly dehydrated. My mental health also hasn't been the best so I kept forgetting to drink water. I was badly neglecting myself and I'm just lucky it didn't get any worse. I've been drinking a bunch of water + liquid iv to rehydrate and I actually feel okay now.
THIS IS YOUR REMINDER TO DRINK WATER!!!!! DO NOT NEGLECT YOURSELF!!!! TAKE CARE OF YOUR PHYSICAL NEEDS!!!!
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whollyjoly · 8 months ago
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for some reason i can't explain i know saint peter won't call my name
nothing that lives, lives forever - an immortal soldier!alton more au
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(1.1k of snippets from my old guard(ish) au where alton more is old, too old, and has been living and fighting far longer than anyone should. full description/other thoughts at the bottom. tw: blood, violence, mentions of death)
Alton clicked the lighter closed, running a thumb over the silver case. The night was warm, sticky in a way that he never could get used to. He sucked in a breath from the cheap cigarette, letting his head fall back against the rough side of the barracks.
It was quiet. Typically, there would be no end to the commotion coming from the small building, one of many that littered Camp Toccoa. The wall of sound was ever-present, no matter if it was shouting or laughing or snoring. But whatever the cause, there was always noise. 
No matter if it was a blanket of noise he knew well, unchanging except for the language and the scenery. Soldiers are soldiers, and some things are a constant. It could almost be comforting, if it didn’t also mean that the need for soldiers was a constant as well.
However, tonight was a Saturday, and it was one of the few weekends that Sobel had allowed Easy the use of their weekend passes. Almost every man in the company had jumped at the chance to get off base, to travel home if they could and spend time with loved ones. The ones with farther-flung hometowns had spirited off to Atlanta, happy to spend their time drinking and dancing and fucking instead of slogging through another run, three miles up, three miles down.
Normally, Alton would have joined them in their carousing - it was easier to pass the time with the effortless camaraderie built during a training camp than bored and alone. 
But today had been a bad day. The sound of swords and the shift of sand beneath his feet followed him out of his nightmares, the humid summer of Georgia morphing itself into the baking, dry heat of the desert. 
His shouts must have been real, because when a hand came to shake him out of his dream, the first face he saw was not that of a grouchy NCO, but of a blood-caked Saracen, eyes alight with righteous fury. 
Alton didn’t think. He had grabbed the knife from under his pillow, an old thing that had been sharpened more times than he could begin to count, and was on the man in less than a breath, pressing the blade into the side of his neck. The familiar thrum of blood beat against his fingertips, the grit of sand scratched his gums. He knew what he had to do, had done it a thousand times, a thousand thousand times, what was a little more bloodshed spilled across his feet-
Alton had blinked, and came to himself in a rush.
Instead of an unnamed Saracen, the ashen face of Johnny Martin stared up at him, eyes wide behind the knife.
Alton drew back his hand, retreating almost as quick as he had lunged earlier. He mumbled a quick curse and apology as he stepped out of arm’s reach from the man. It wasn’t until Martin’s eyes widened even farther that Alton realized his tongue was slipping out Arabic of all things.
Usually, Alton was better about remembering himself, who he was almost as important as where he was. But for whatever reason, his demons had decided to catch up with him that night.
After a quick smile and some quip about the Krauts in his dreams, he managed to wave an only-slightly-mollified Martin off. The shorter man apparently hadn’t forgotten it though, if his watchful eyes during chow that morning were anything to go by.
Alton was just glad that no one else was awake to see it, at least. That was the last thing he needed.
And so, instead of joining in on a weekend of broads and booze, Alton found himself waving away the invitation by an eager Smokey and bemused Alley. When the horde made their way out of the barracks, fantasizing in bawdy terms about their planned misadventures, he felt like he could breathe easy.
Fucking finally.
~~
Alton took another drag from the cigarette. He watched the smoke curl, up and up until it faded into nothing amongst the darkening sky.
The lighter was a welcome weight in his hand, grounding him to this time, this life.
The design was worn by now, details barely visible after a half century of worrying. It still managed to amaze him, sometimes, what people could do with the smallest of canvases. Alton didn’t feel the same wonder however, wasn’t as mesmerized by the beauty man could create as he once was.
But in the quiet moments, he could still appreciate the time some French craftsman took to transform a hunk of metal into a small token carried around by a dead man.
Luz had spied the lighter one weekend, and laughed at him for using something so old-fashioned. Alton just shrugged, not caring to admit that he was still getting used to having a light at his fingertips. It wasn’t all that long ago when he was still lighting a pipe with a flintlock pistol, and not so long before that when he would carry around a flint and steel.
Time was passing all the more quickly these days, technologies changing and advancing, and everyone was obsessed with needing things to be quicker, cheaper, simpler. Alton scoffed. He could hardly find it in him to care.
He glanced down at the lighter in his hand, shifting it back and forth in a practiced motion and watched as the light skittered across the sides. 
It had shown flowers, once. A veritable garden of carnations, daffodils, and lilies of the valley, with leaves spilling across the front panel onto the back. They represent good fortune, he was told. Good fortune, luck, and hope. 
When the merchant described it to him, eyes ablaze with a passion known only to those with wares to sell, Alton didn’t try to hide the snort that escaped his throat. 
Fortune and Luck had abandoned him long ago, and hadn’t returned since waking up in a battlefield abandoned by all but the dead, sword in his chest and blood in his mouth. 
And what the fuck was Alton supposed to do with hope?
It was the quote on the back that had caught his eye, all those years ago in a street market in Reims. The beveled edges had faded with time, the familiar letters Alton traced were more memory by now than any physical mark. Une vie honorable est une vie éternelle.
An honorable life is an eternal life.
Alton couldn’t help but stare at the message, both then and now. He hated that goddamn word. Immortal. Unending. Eternal. 
They were such flowery words, used by people who craved what they couldn’t have, what they shouldn’t. The romanticized idea of the everlasting, the fountain of youth, the gift of life! Alton was sick of it.
This wasn’t life. He was a fucking dead man walking. And he sure as hell didn’t do anything honorable to deserve it.
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months ago, while thinking about the absolute insanity of the almost...cavalier? attitude we see alton more have over the course of the series, an idea hit my brain: what if there was a reason nothing seemed to phase him - not panzers, not being a breath away from a car wreck, not bastogne, not speirs? what if this wasn't his first war? that thought spiraled me into a minor insanity that is this: my immortal soldier!alton more au, loosely inspired by the movie the old guard (2020). the idea is that, once upon a time, there was a soldier in a land many centuries ago. one day, he died in battle. and then, he woke up. and then he died. and then he woke up. over, and over. drawn to countless battles, conflicts, and wars, each one etching itself into the core of his soul. a never-ending cycle...until one sweltering summer, where he found himself at a training camp at the foot of a mountain. anyways. at some point, i plan on writing this as a full story, but that is admittedly a long ways away. however, in celebration of alton more's birthday today, i wanted to post my favorite scene that i've written for this au! it's set sometime at the beginning of the story, in the early days of camp toccoa. mostly, it's just a character study of this version of alton more. hope you enjoyed! and of course - happy birthday alton more!
(song insp.)
taglist: @sweetxvanixlla @coco-bean-1218 @bucky32557038ww2 @georgieluz @samwinchesterslostshoe @xxluckystrike @next-autopsy @ronald-speirs @land-sh @ronsparky @panzershrike-pretz @theredrenard @kyellin
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crumpet-doodles · 7 days ago
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emotoangel · 27 days ago
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not dnp related but after 4 years of trying to get an assessment (and 25 years of having it) I finally got an adhd diagnosis today gang 😭😭
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a-chaotic-dumbass · 9 months ago
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fascinated by how the asoiaf fandom refuses to have any nuance in the books that r entirely based on different perspectives
#asoiaf#fascinating.#this is 100% abt the lyanna elia rhsegar thing bc jesus fucking christ#yes rhaegar cheated on elia and so did cersei and robert and tyrion on sansa too#its almost like rhaegar had a prophesy fuck him in the head since childhood👀 almost like he and elia were an arranged marriage👀 almost#like he didnt love her👀#like bffr what happened to elia was horrible but its nothing new why r ppl so surprised there was little love in a marriage neither wanted#like have you READ the books nearly every character didnt want their spouse but politics#elia didnt deserve that and neither did her children but dont blame rhaegar for something lannister soldiers did#a song of ice and fire#valyrianscrolls#and god the kingsguard part annoys me sm. yes he took kingsguard with him when he went off to fight#bc kingsguard are a fucking asset to the millitary#anyhow. same is applied to arya and sansa#yes sansa was mean to arya but also: shes 11. a child promised that shell be queen if she acts good and if joff and cersei like her#because of arya sansa's direwolf lady was killed when lady did nothing wrong#and it wasnt arya's fault either bc arya was defending her friend and herself too#but obv sansa was upset and crying. shes 11. ofc she'd say that she wanted arya to die instead of lady she was a CHILD#letd be clear if arya died sansa 100% would've been as or even more upset than when lady or even ned died#sansa and her friends teased arya for having a horse's face. ok. kids r mean? wow
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silverhalla · 2 months ago
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neve came back and I IMMEDIATELY started crying
#is it my adoration of neve as a character or my country’s political climate? remains to be seen#neve gallus#had been talking to a friend pre-game about how she didn’t appeal to me and boy the fuck was I WRONG#I just walk into her room and stand there and feel guilty#(because I couldn’t save minrathous in ADDITION to treviso#not because I’d save it instead)#my heart will always be in treviso with its people who have no means of fighting back#and not with tevinter and all of the things it COULD’VE done!!!!!!!!!#bitter especially because of my current real life country tbh and all the….. everything#but y’know#datv spoilers#veilguard spoilers#datv#dragon age: the veilguard#thinking especially heinously mean thoughts of my sister#who has been in a wlw relationship for several years - I had her girlfriend at my wedding - but she feels so strongly#that she’s the EXCEPTION to lgbt people (and therefore votes conservatively every election)#it is so so so so SO frustrating because I even came out to her at one point#which I would NOT have done (since she’s a republican!!!!!!) in the hopes that it would help her feel not so alone#because I KNOW it tore her up for DECADES and I don’t think people deserve to struggle like that#and then she turned it back around in her maga hat and her pro-[redacted] posts#and ALSO told my parents just to get back at me for something#I don’t understand I don’t understand I don’t understand#I don’t understand how you can hate other people so much#and I don’t want to have that conversation with my parents#and I know that I will and I am……… fucking Christ I am struggling with that#jesus fucking Christ did I not know that a casual dragon post was gonna be the place where I reflected like this
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widevibratobitch · 8 months ago
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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justablah56 · 8 months ago
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hmm I think instead of feeling bad I will simply project this bad onto The Character . for funsies .
#just blahs#not gonna do anything abt it bcs idk how i could but ovuehncke sparrow with scrupulosity ocd <3#just consider with me sparrow being terrified of accidentally saying anything wrong or offending literally anyone#and her completely accidentally saying smthin offensive and trying to figure out how to properly deal with that#without just making the whole situation about herself rather than the person she actually offended#bcs shes afraid that makes her a bad person who just didnt care enough to be aware of herself#gets a bit venty past this point but guys im literally pinky promising you rn I'm ok and ill figure it out please no one bring it up to me#and nobody think about the fact that im projecting rn just think about sparrow ok#this is my way of dealing w similar stuff w/o making it about me bcs ik that thats a shitty thing to do and i need to work it out myself#aughhncns literally every time goddamnit . i accidentally do smthin wrong and then someone (very kindly !!!) tells me hey that was wrong#and then i have a breakdown about it and feel bad and overthink it for the next like week#jesus fucking christ ok it's fine im being patient with myself and i know no one thinks im a bad person#and i know that they know i didnt mean it#and i know that i did say smthin insensitive and thats just something i have to be aware of#and the fact that i said it doesn't mean that im a terrible horrific irredeemable person#i'm trying my best now to be aware of it and be better and think abt whst they said and that's all i can do and thats ok#its fine .#anyways .#also hi cookies if you see this genuinely thank you for telling me tho like i do appreciate it and i am ok dw
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xadianglyphs · 9 months ago
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stgroversfire · 9 months ago
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honestly i had to go and listen to like 20 other genres of music before i could circle back and really appreciate tøp
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abby-the-druid · 3 months ago
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Okay, for real, real question.
How the fuck are you actually supposed to write a dissertation? Like... there is no guidance? Is that my advisor or is that me?
I feel like someone said "Hey, write me a 150 page document about something you did over the course of the last 5 years."
And I said, "Okay, but like, how do you want that to look?" and no one answered.
And so I said, "but like, you think x y z should go in it, right?" and no one answered.
and so I said, "but like... how should I go about that?" and no one fucking answered.
So now, like as of a day ago, I was asked to have a completed dissertation to turn into my advisor NEXT WEEK.
So I've been doing the spongebob, right? Like staring down at paper, writing furiously, reading furiously, I have had a headache every day for at least 2 straight weeks; I have bags under the bags on my eyes - my fiancé literally told me I have 3 consecutive bags under each eye where they just keep getting worse; I am not sleeping well unless I take my large dose medicine; I am not tired, I am only tired, I am not hungry, my body does not feel normal, I am not bathing regularly, I am behind on chores and
I
STILL
DON'T
KNOW
WHAT THE FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO TO WRITE THIS.
What the fuck am I supposed to be doing? Like I'm going to give this a try but I cannot express how much I DO NOT KNOW what I'm doing.
And you say, but surely, Abby, in the last 5 years at this institution you've published right? Surely your advisor has kept up and made sure you're making good progress, right? Obviously, they have prepared you in some capacity, right?
I would say to you, unfortunately, no. No, I have not published a single first author pub in the last 5 years. My advisor has not kept up to the point over the summer we had not a single meeting -I need weekly meetings otherwise I fall into the void and am taken by the aether- and after waiting 3 months for him to give me feedback on my first paper - the first one I've written in any professional capacity - I am told to deliver a full thesis.
Somebody just fucking take me out brother. I am beyond lost at this point and feel like a failure.
Thanks for listening.
If you do have advice, it would be greatly appreciated because I'm losing my fucking mind.
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edgarallanpoestan · 6 months ago
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my rage? insurmountable
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whysamwhy123 · 1 year ago
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Since I'm back after a little unplanned hiatus, time to blab about another dumb idea I had for an AU that I'll never write! So! For some reason, a while back, I decided I really wanted to come up with a trashy reality show AU for Max Squared, where MJF decides to exploit Caster's immediate, intense love for him by starting up a little showmance. Max wants to manipulate the editing of the show as well as the game itself to make sure that he wins and/or becomes the breakout star of the season. So when Caster falls head over heels for him on Day One, he's presented with the perfect opportunity.
Initially, I was thinking the show would be a Survivor type deal, a bunch of people on a desert island or something, voting each other off, so Max's game is stringing Caster along so that he won't ever vote against him and he always has an ally help him vote out whoever he considers his biggest competition. But then I started to think it might be funnier if it was an American Idol style singing competition. It kinda fits, right? Both MJF and Caster are musically inclined, after all. And it changes the logic behind Max's plan - he wants to manipulate the editing of the show, make himself seem like a nice, endearing guy so the public will vote to keep him in the show, and ensure he gets a lot more screen time than the the other contestants. And what better way to do than pretending to be falling in love with this weirdo who's obsessed with you? A heart-warming queer romance on a show where only one of them can win? That's some good trash TV there, right?
MJF insists to Caster that it's all an act on his part. He's only pretending to be in love with him for the show, to tug on the heartstrings of all the stupid fans out there who think this shit is anything close to real. A ploy to make himself seem like the perfect charming, irresistible hero he needs to be in order to win this damn thing. And Caster's just like ''Whatever you say, sweetie,'' because he knows before Max does.
Maybe after a certain point, Max figures, hey, there's no harm in sleeping with the guy. It doesn't mean anything - Caster's so willing, so he may as well get laid. Of course, Caster thinks this is a sign that he really does have feelings for him, no matter how many times MJF tells him that it's not because he's actually attracted to him. No, it's just a ''power thing''.
He's only pretending, right? Caster's a fucking loser, a pawn in Max's grand master plan to emerge victorious. There's no way he could end up actually developing feelings for him over the course of the show, right? It's all for the show, it's fake, it's not real! There's simply no way he could...
Also, I'd want there to be a point where one night, Caster straight-up begs Max to let him eat his ass. And MJF's like ''Ugh, no way! That's disgusting! You're insane! You're a fucking weirdo! You're gross! You're...you'd do that for me?'' and of course, Caster tells him he'd do anything for him. And Max finds he can't resist anymore. So he lets Caster do it and he makes sure he doesn't regret it. Max's probably so loud during it that it pisses off the other contestants and the crew members who can hear it through the walls because Max simply cannot keep quiet like he usually can.
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I swear to god it is impossible to exist for more than 3 consecutive minutes in this fandom these days without wanting to murder someone
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