#jackson is scared of ellie first and joel second

[actual-changeling]

joel is hot. everyone knows. half the boston qz knew. most of jackson knows. and there is a lot of people that develop a crush on him and try to ask him out while completely unaware of the one big problem between them and joel: ellie.

the second she knows someone is trying to make a move on him (and it's like a fully developed sense at this point), she has a number of ways with increasing escalation to stop them.

first phase is simply getting joel away from them, which helps with the immediate danger of "fuck they're trying to ask him out" but does not solve the long-term motivation. it's easy enough, she has joel wrapped around her finger and a simple "joel i'm tried" will have him carry her home in his arms, so yeah, simple.

the second phase is what tommy ends up calling her "good girl act", and while tommy is a little bitch, he keeps his mouth shut because his brother's adopted daughter is giving him prime entertainment (and he's the fun uncle anyway). everyone knows ellie and joel are a package deal much to some people's annoyance, but it means most people try to win her over before actively pursuing joel. unfortunately for them, ellie is very, very good at finding out your weakness and then using it against you. a mean comment here, poking fun at someone there, implying joel is holding a grudge based on something she knows happened two weeks ago that he has absolutely no clue about, all with the shiniest smile and the sweetest voice. it deters most of them, and the effort is minimal. it's fun for her, really, and gives her a satisfying feeling of peace.

and then there are the handful of people that are just too fucking determined. joel is great, but he is hers, and she already begrudgingly shares him with tommy (though she is still considering just stabbing him in his sleep and calling it a day, but as it turns out he is actually a pretty fun guy despite it all and joel likes him).

they stonewall their way through her attempts at deterring them and get way closer to joel than anyone should, but her saving grace is also her biggest pride: joel has eyes for her and her only. hell, she doubts he even remotely picks up on people being genuinely kind to him let alone flirting with him, and if she isn't with him, he is thinking about her, rotating ellie in his head over and over until she's back at his side.

those people are the ones that get tripped in the dining hall and dead fish in their couch cushions, and ellie must look stabby enough for them to back off after that. (she would, in fact, stab them if necessary. her switchblade is a close second to joel in terms of affection).

ellie beats cupid to death in a corner while tommy cheers her on and joel is none the wiser, still thinking that most people are barely above tolerating him. he doesn't care, though, he has ellie. that's all he wants and all he will ever need.

(and if he eventually does catch on after a year or two and simply smiles and plays along, well, that's a nice secret to keep for a change)

[pedrospatch]

softness

Jackson! Joel Miller x Female Reader

summary: Joel’s a little unsure of doing skin to skin with his newborn daughter.

warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI. established relationship. (TW) PREGNANCY. mentions of premature birth, minor descriptions of childbirth, mentions of birth weight, it is implied that reader is breastfeeding her baby, semi accurate medical journal research, girldad! Joel, mentions of scars (Joel), mentions of insecurities and anxieties, if i missed anything, please let me know! NO MENTION OF READER’S AGE. NO PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION OF READER. no physical description of child except for her hair color/type. very minimal editing.

word count: 3.5k

a/n: i had this outline sitting in my drafts and i decided to finally just write it out and post it. it ain’t much, but it’s honest work. it is part of the safe and sound universe.

She’d made her entrance into the world early.

About four or five weeks, the commune’s doctor thinks.

Without ultrasounds, it’d been a guessing game.

And a fucking terrifying guessing game at that.

For several months, all you could do was hope.

Hope for a smooth pregnancy.

Hope for a safe labor and delivery.

Hope for a strong, healthy baby.

When you went into labor earlier than the doctor had predicted you would, all of your hopes shattered, the pieces falling around you like shards of broken glass you couldn’t put back together even if you tried.

“No! No, it’s too soon! It’s too fucking soon!” you’d cried out, the sheer panic setting in and seeping into your bones as a warm, clear liquid dripped down the insides of your legs and pooled around your bare feet. You had been in the kitchen making Ellie breakfast and packing her lunch for school—one second you’re standing there in front of the food pantry debating with yourself on what vegetable to throw into the kid’s lunch bag with her sandwich and the next you’re calling out for help as an intense pressure nestled itself between your hips. It wasn’t until you heard a faint popping sound and then felt the gush of fluid between your thighs that you’d realized what was happening. An unmistakable first sign of labor, you’d experienced your water breaking. “This can’t be happening, it’s not time yet!”

Joel, who by some stroke of sheer stupid luck had the morning off from patrol duty, instructed Ellie to run upstairs and gather some clean clothes along with a pair of boots and the warmest coat you owned that still fit. November had brought along the first snowfall of the season—the frigid temperatures outside were anything but kind and the clinic was on the opposite side of the commune, a fifteen minute walk he wished you didn’t have to make in your condition. “I know this is real fuckin’ scary darlin’ but y’need to stay calm. I need you to stay as calm as possible. Y’think that you can do that for me, sweetheart?”

He’d been just as terrified, but he masked it well.

On the outside, he kept a calm, collected composure for your sake and for Ellie’s too, shoved aside his own fears so he could be the support you both needed, act as the glue that held yours and his little family unit together should anything were to happen. But on the inside, he was scared shitless, to say the least. He couldn’t be certain he would have the strength to hold himself together if something went wrong, if he lost you—or his unborn child.

Admittedly, it had taken him a few months to come to terms with the fact that he was going to be a father again at this stage in his life. The thought of him changing diapers at his age was one he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around—but the moment he felt that first little flutter of movement one night as you lay curled up against his side fast asleep, something shifted. That night, he had stayed wide awake, his large hand splayed over your belly in hopes he would feel that little flutter again.

“Joel, I’m really fucking scared. What if it’s too early—”

“Baby, look at me.” He reached up and gently took your chin, holding it between his thumb and index finger as he coaxed your gaze to meet his own. “S’gonna be okay,” he’d assured you, softly. “If this is happenin’ now, it’s because she’s ready, alright?”

For a split second, that panic had ceased.

“She?”

Confused, Joel’s brow furrowed. “Huh?”

“You just referred to the baby as a she, Joel.”

“I did?”

“Yeah—just now.” You’d stared at him with curiosity and took a step back, cradling your belly in both of your hands. “Do you think we’re having a girl?”

Sheepishly, he had shaken his head at you.

“No, I just—m’sorry. I ain’t all too sure why I said that.”

He truly, honestly hadn’t.

It’d slipped before he could even think about it.

But his accidental slip had been right.

After thirteen hours of grueling labor in Jackson’s small clinic, you’d given birth to a little girl, the sound of her loud wailing filling the whole room like a sweet melody eliciting a sob of joy from you and a shaky sigh of relief from Joel.

“Holy shit, she’s here! She’s actually fucking here,” Ellie breathed, her eyes going wide. Her arms were still wrapped around one of your legs—despite you warning the teenager about what she would see, it hadn’t stopped her from volunteering her assistance in the childbirth process. She watched on in a mix of both fascination and disgust as Dr. Porter, a woman in her sixties who served as Jackson’s sole physician, lifted the infant and immediately placed her onto your bare chest to clean her off. “This has gotta be the grossest, most amazing fucking thing I have ever fucking seen in my life.” Gently, she set your leg down onto the bed before walking around it to stand beside Joel. His hand was stroking your hair, his dark eyes trained on his crying newborn daughter. It was the perfect moment for Ellie to run her mouth and tease, “You’re not gonna cry, are you, Joel? I’d think you’re a lot fucking tougher than that, old man.”

“Shut up,” he’d muttered under his breath, putting an arm around her and pulling her against his side. He almost couldn’t believe this was now his life—a life he would have never even known if he hadn’t flinched twenty years ago when he had pulled the trigger.

Though she’d been born a few weeks prematurely, Rosemary Miller was deemed to be healthy—a tad underweight, but nothing to be worried about just yet, according to Jackie, the commune’s nurse. At about four pounds, eleven ounces, Rosemary was the tiniest thing you’d ever seen and somehow even tinier when Joel would cradle her in the palms of his large hands. Despite the fact that you’d been reassured that the baby’s low birth weight was nothing to be alarmed about, you and Joel had been advised it was best if you didn’t take her home until she gained a few more ounces and tipped the a scale at what the books state is a normal birth weight of five pounds, eight ounces.

“We just would feel better if she were here at the clinic where we can closely monitor her weight,” Jackie had said upon seeing the crestfallen look on your face. “Besides, you tore a little and you need time to heal as well, you know.”

Left with very little choice, you’d agreed to it.

“I’m losing it,” you say with an exasperated sigh as you stare up at the drab, gray ceiling. It’s been three days since you had given birth and all you want to do is take your daughter home. In an effort to lift your spirits, Maria had tried to warm the place up and make it feel more comfortable for you. She had swapped out the rough, scratchy bedsheet the clinic provided for you with a soft, knitted blanket she had made herself. She also took it upon herself to pack you a bag with your own clothes, a couple of books to read, and your favorite polaroids of Joel and Ellie. While it had been incredibly sweet of her to do for you, you still wanted out of that clinic sooner rather than later. “I miss our house. I miss our bed. I miss our kid.”

Joel, who’s sitting in an old, worn leather armchair tucked over in a corner of your room next to the frosted window, raises an eyebrow at you and then juts his chin towards Rosemary, who is swaddled up and sleeping soundly in the plastic bassinet beside your bed.

“Our kid’s right there, darlin’.”

You lift your head off your pillow and glare at him.

“I’m talking about Ellie, Joel.”

He chuckles and leans forward in his chair. Next to him sits a brown stuffed bunny rabbit—Ellie had traded a precious comic book for it and gifted it to the baby the same afternoon she was born. 

“She’s been comin’ to visit every day after school.”

“It’s not the same,” you pout, shaking your head.

Joel sighs and glances at the cot that he had been sleeping on for the last few days—truth be told, he misses the house too. His back certainly misses the bed. “It ain’t the same,” he agrees, tiredly. His face is worn with exhaustion. Despite you insisting that he go home and get some proper rest, he’s too stubborn to listen and only leaves the clinic to take a shower and change his clothes—and to check on Ellie, who’s got a bad habit of not doing her homework unless you or Joel nag her to get it done. “M’real sorry, darlin’. But you heard what they said. Baby’s gotta gain a little more weight before we can take her home.”

Even from where he’s sitting, he can see your eyes glaze over with tears of frustration. Since the baby was born, you’ve been very sensitive, more so than when you’d been pregnant—something he didn’t think was even possible.

“If she keeps on eatin’ the way she’s eatin’ we’ll be home by the end of the week,” Joel adds in an effort to cheer you up. “Besides, you need to heal before we make that long walk across town and back to the house, sweetheart. S’not like I can just pull up the fuckin’ minivan and drive you girls home like back in the day, y’know?”

You wrinkle your nose at him. “Ew, Joel. We would not have a fucking minivan.” Dabbing at your eyes with the back of your hand, you can’t help but laugh at the thought of Joel Miller behind the wheel of one of those things. Then, you realize how endearing it would be to watch as he’s loading up Rosemary’s car seat into the van, the muscles of his broad back flexing underneath his shirt as he pulled on the straps to make sure it was safe and secure. You’d climb into the backseat with her and on the way home, you would ask Joel to swing through the nearest burger joint drive through because you’re fucking starving and in need of a proper meal after being subjected to boring, bland hospital food. You shoot him a small smile. “On second thought, that doesn’t sound all that bad. Maybe we would.”

Suddenly, there’s a light knock at the door.

“Come in,” you call, careful not to be too loud.

Dr. Porter walks into the room.

She had been a primary care physician prior to the world ending, according to Maria, who a couple of months ago had given birth to her son while under Dr. Porter’s care. Maria had assured you that, even though the woman never trained in obstetrics, she always went above and beyond for all the mothers to be in the commune. She dedicated her spare time to studying, lost herself in medical books she found on the shelves of the town’s library—kind of like the one that’s currently tucked underneath her arm.

“Hi there mama,” she greets, her eyes shining brightly behind her coke-bottle glasses. Wearing jeans and a sweater, she doesn’t quite look the part—maybe she’d worn a white coat once in her life, but now it was only the old, silver metal stethoscope she had draped around her neck that gave her profession away. “How are you feeling this morning?”

“I’m okay,” you say with a shrug. “Can’t complain.”

Over in his corner, Joel can’t help but snort.

Ignoring him, you add, “Bleeding’s slowing down.”

“Good, that’s good,” Dr. Porter tells you. “And how about this sweet little girl?” She smiles and makes her way over to the bassinet, keeping her voice low. “She eating well?”

“She is. Her last feed was about two hours ago.”

“How’s she sleeping?”

“Like a rock.”

“And you’ve been doing skin to skin as well?”

You nod. “Yes, before and after her feedings.”

“That’s perfect.” Dr. Porter beams at you with pride. “Keep it up and do it as often as possible. There are a ton of benefits of doing skin to skin with her. It’s one of the most incredible things that a mother can do for her baby. Actually—” She pauses for a moment and pulls the book out from under her arm. “I have been doing a bit of research and as it turns out, there are also benefits if dad does skin to skin with baby as well.”

Joel stiffens slightly in his chair. “S’cuse me?”

“I found this book in the library. It talks about all of the benefits of fathers doing skin to skin with their newborn. It was written some time in the nineties and studies were still being conducted, but I really believe they were onto something.” She hands you the book. “For being preterm, Rosemary’s healthy, but it doesn’t do any harm to try whatever you can to make sure that she builds up that immune system and stays healthy, especially now that winter’s here.” Flashing you a smile, she informs you, “I went ahead and folded the pages for you and made some notes. There’s a few benefits in it for Joel as well. Could be worth a try.”

After telling you she’ll be back in a couple hours to check on you and to weigh the baby, Dr. Porter excuses herself from your room, quietly closing the door behind her.

Curiously, you open the book to the first page that she’d folded for you and start reading the first passage out loud.

“Ongoing studies have found skin to skin between father and child have similar benefits to those that come from skin to skin between mother and child. It regulates the baby's body temperature, blood sugar, and stress levels.” You pause and look over at Joel, who appears thoroughly unimpressed. “It also helps to regulate the baby’s heart rate and breathing rate. Joel, this is incredible! I think you should—”

“No.”

Joel winces. He doesn’t mean to sound so curt.

Your face falls. “Why not?”

“That’s for mothers,” he grumbles. “Y’know, for feedin’ the baby.”

“It’s for much more than just that.” You shake your head and flip over to the next page, scanning both the text as well as Dr. Porter’s notes. “It says here that it also helps the baby pick up their father’s natural scent and promotes bonding.”

“Sweetheart, I can bond with her just fine with my fuckin’ shirt on, there ain’t no need for me to—what in the world are you doin’?” Perturbed, Joel watches you as you take a handful of your blanket, throwing it off yourself. He jumps up to his feet the second he realizes that you’re about to get out of bed. “Don’t—”

“Oh relax, Joel. I should be moving more anyway,” you say, wincing as you sit up and swing both legs over the side of the bed. It isn’t so much pain as it is discomfort—everything had been shoved up and out of place for months, after all. As soon as you stand, Joel’s there at your side, one hand on your arm and the other on your back, trying to guide you back onto the bed. You lightly swat him away with your hand. “Joel, stop fussing over me! I’m fine!”

“Baby, y’need to lie down right now—”

“Take off your shirt.”

His hands fall away from you and his eyes widen.

“What?”

“Take off your shirt and go sit down in the chair.”

The blood drains from his face and he pales. 

It’s not that Joel doesn’t want to do it. He does.

He’ll do anything if it’s for his daughter’s benefit.

Still.

The idea of laying his innocent little baby girl on him without his shirt on—it’s uncomfortable. His chest and stomach are littered with several scars. Rough, raised patches of skin that serve as reminders of a brutal past he doesn’t want her finding out about, not for as long as he can fucking help it.

Rosemary deserves to be wrapped up in softness.

The softness of your smooth, blemish free skin.

The softness of the blankets you’d knitted for her.

The softness of the stuffed bunny Ellie had given her.

Joel?

He isn’t soft.

Nothing about him is soft.

Even holding her in his hands for the first time had been something of a battle. Hands that once snapped necks and slit throats didn’t deserve to hold something so pure and innocent.

“This sounds really promising, Joel.” Slowly, you make your way over to the plastic bassinet, ignoring the dull ache between your thighs. With your back to him, you carefully begin to unswaddle the baby. You try not to wake her as you peel off her warm, knitted onesie and matching socks, leaving her in nothing but her teeny, tiny cloth diaper. Gingerly, you pick her up and turn around to face him. “If Dr. Porter thinks we should try it, then it’s for a good reason, don’t you think so?”

Joel swallows harshly.

“What is it?”

“S’just that I—I’ve got scars everywhere, y’know?”

Your expression instantly softens for him. “Joel, you’re her daddy,” you remind him, gently. “She’s not going to care about things like that.” Pausing, it suddenly occurs to you that it’s not just about his scars. It’s about something else, something that runs so much deeper for Joel. He’d done what he had done in order to survive, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t live with the shame—the guilt and the regret. Rosemary begins to fuss awake and you lightly bounce her in your arms as you assure him, “She isn’t going to care about your past or what you’ve done. Her love for you is going to be as unconditional as yours is for her. She’s going to love you no matter what, Joel. I can promise you that.”

His jaw clenches and his lips press into a tight line.

Rosemary starts to cry—she’s cold, no doubt.

The old heater in the clinic hardly runs.

And when it does, it breaks down.

“Joel, please,” you beg over her wails. “Just try it? For me? For her?”

Sighing in defeat, Joel shrugs out of his jacket and he tosses it aside. With trembling fingers, he begins to unbutton his green flannel shirt—his long sleeved thermal henley comes off next and then he takes off the cotton t-shirt he wears underneath for an added layer of warmth during the winter season. As he stands there shirtless, he shivers and his flesh erupts with goosebumps. “Wait,” he mutters as he watches you take a step forward. He drags the armchair away from the window. He then sits down, his heart racing and the anxiety flaring as he gives you a subtle nod of his head. “Okay.”

You walk over to him and place her on his bare chest.

The second he feels Rosie’s soft skin on his, there’s a shift.

It’s similar to the one he felt when he first felt her move in your belly.

He calms and his heart slows—his nerves dissipate. 

And Rosemary stops crying.

She scrunches, curls up on his chest, and yawns.

Grimacing, you lean over and pick up his flannel shirt. “Here,” you say, draping it over them as a makeshift blanket. “How’s that feel?”

“Think she likes it, darlin’,” Joel murmurs, his fingers delicately brushing over her soft tufts of dark brown hair. His touch causes the newborn’s lip to curl and he catches a glimpse of the prominent dimple in her left cheek—the same dimple Sarah had inherited from him, Rosemary had inherited too. There’s a dull ache in his chest, but somehow, he still smiles as she peers up at him with sleepy eyes. “Hi, Rosie Posie. S’me, babygirl. Your daddy.”

Rolling your lip between your teeth, you stifle a giggle.

“What?” he asks, arching an eyebrow at you.

“She’s not the only one who seems to like it.”

Joel chuckles, admitting, “S’pretty relaxin’.” He presses his nose into his daughter’s curls and inhales deeply, relishing in the warm, sweet milky scent of her. After a minute, his smile falters slightly. “Baby?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you really believe it?”

Your brow furrows. “Believe what?”

“That she’s gonna love me no matter what.”

“Of course I do.”

“How can you be so sure ‘bout it?”

Carefully, you perch yourself on the arm of the chair and press a gentle kiss against his right temple, your lips brushing over his scar. “Because I just am, Joel.”

Somehow, he believes it—he believes you.

Joel tilts his head back, puckering his lips.

Grinning, you give him a chaste kiss before standing. “I’m going to see if I can get a nap in before her next feed,” you tell him, padding back over to the bed. “Do you think you’ll be okay with her for a while, just the two of you?”

“I think we’ll be just fine,” he murmurs, gingerly stroking Rosemary’s silky cheek with his finger. “Yeah. We’ll be just fine, won’t we, babygirl?”

divider credit to @saradika-graphics 🤎

[guiltyasdave]

28 "No one ever cared about me like you." for Joel or Marcus Pike, please?? Thank you for writing all this amazing stuff for us <3

no one can hurt you now

pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

word count: ~1.2k

summary: You’ve been traveling through the country with Joel and Ellie. After finally arriving in the safety of Jackson, you realize how much Joel means to you.

tags/warnings: post outbreak, mentions of infected, fighting and blood, reader doesn’t value her life that much tbh, angst, anxiety, comfort, able-bodied reader, no use of y/n (please let me know if i missed something <3)

a/n: dearest anon, thank you so much for your kind words and for sending this prompt in! this started out as a drabble but got out of control, so i hope you enjoy this little fic 🫶🏻

dividers by @saradika-graphics who is amazing <3

full masterlist here / follow @guiltyasdavenotifs and turn on notifications for fic updates!

The clicker’s teeth snap at you inches away from your face, your arms straining desperately to hold the creature off. A shot rings through the air and the clicker stills as blood splatters across your face.

You push the now lifeless weight off of you and try to stand back up, your shaky legs underneath you barely cooperating.

“Thanks,” you mutter, gasping for breath.

“The fuck was that?” Joel barks, the gun still grasped so tightly in his hand that his knuckles are turning white.

“It was- running at Ellie, I just-“

You’ll admit that you hadn’t really thought it through when you lunged at the clicker that had charged in the girl’s direction without any weapons in your hands. Not her, had been the only clear thought in your head. She wasn’t replaceable.

You were.

“You just what? Thought you’d get yourself killed?”

“No! I don’t know, okay? I still bought us time, and you got it, so-”

You don’t like the way he’s glaring at you, like you did something fundamentally wrong. You took a risk, yes, but his main objective is taking the girl across the country. You’re just… there.

“So?! Fuckin’ stupid, is what it was,” he snaps before he turns around abruptly and stomps further into the abandoned house that you’re hoping to spend the night in. You wait until your legs finally stop trembling before you follow him.

It’s the middle of the night when Joel finally speaks to you again. You had settled down in one of the bedrooms on the upper floor, not before searching the house extra thoroughly after the clicker incident earlier.

You can hear Ellie’s soft snores from across the room and you would have sworn that Joel was asleep too. Your mind didn’t rest, replaying the scene over and over, the way Joel snapped at you making your chest hurt each time.

“You don’t get to not make yourself a priority, you hear me? I won’t let you.”

You flinch at the unexpected sound from his corner of the room, but his voice is gentle, like he’s approaching a scared animal.

“But Ellie-” you still try to protest.

“I care about Ellie just as much as you do.” He hesitates for a second. “But I also care about you.”

You feel heat flushing your cheeks and you avert your gaze, even though it’s too dark for him to see your face anyway.

“You shouldn’t,” you mutter, “she’s the one that matters.”

“So do you,” he grumbles.

“Not like her.”

He heaves a sigh and you hear him moving closer to you in the darkness.

“Listen to me.” His tone is gruff, but you can feel the intensity behind his words. “I couldn’t- shit, I couldn’t do this alone. Just take care of yourself. Don’t be stupid. Okay?”

“Okay,” you agree in a hushed voice.

You know that this is the closest that Joel Miller will ever get to admitting that he doesn’t hate you. You try to fight the feeling, but warmth is spreading through your chest at the thought that he actually wants you around, that he’s not just letting you tag along because he doesn’t know what else to do with you.

It’s your first real night in Jackson, the first time that you’ve arrived at a place and didn’t immediately make plans on where to go next. The first night that you’re spending in a real bed in god knows how long. The first night that you don’t have to sleep with one eye open, always waiting for the next danger to find you.

And the first night in a bed with Joel. Neither of you had protested when you were assigned to one house with him and Ellie. You know what Joel and you look like, from the outside. You don’t think that you care, not really.

The house has three bedrooms anyway, so it didn’t matter. At least that’s what you thought, until you had all said good night to each other and you were lying alone in the darkness, wide eyes staring up at the dark ceiling, as you were trying to stop the anxious shivers running through your body.

It was too quiet, the mattress too soft, the room too… empty. You had gotten used to the steady breathing of two other people around you, and now that they weren’t in the room with you, everything felt wrong. What if you woke up tomorrow to find them both dead, to find yourself alone in the world once more? How were you supposed to make sure they were safe when you weren’t with them?

Before you could overthink it, you got up, checked on Ellie who was sleeping soundly and padded over to the room Joel was in.

“Can’t sleep?” his low drawl had greeted you as soon as you cracked the door open.

You wordlessly shook your head and he sighed.

“Me neither. Doesn’t feel right like this, does it?”

That’s how you ended up under the covers next to him. No touching of course, both of you keeping a firm distance. This was just so you could both catch some sleep. Just for tonight.

Except that you’re still not able to let sleep drag you under. Your body is tense, acutely aware of his presence next to you, his body heat easily traveling the short distance between you. You could bridge it just as easily, just reach your hand out to - do what, exactly?

You huff out a breath and turn onto your side, shuffling the sheets with your movement.

“What’s wrong?”

His voice is barely above a whisper and before you can open your mouth to respond, his fingers find your face and graze over your cheek in a barely there contact.

He had touched you before, of course, checking you for injuries, soothing you with a hand on your arm or a brush over your hair, but never like this. Never in the darkness of the night and never when you could sense the tension in the air between you, could almost feel his breath on your face. You have never been so acutely aware of the warmth of his fingers that’s seeping into your skin right now.

“I just- I never thanked you for taking me here, for taking care of me.”

It’s not what’s on the forefront of your mind, not the thing that’s plaguing you in this moment, but it’s still true, and much easier than admitting to him that feeling his body so close right next to yours has you practically burning up, has your fingers itching to touch him, to breathe him in.

Joel hums.

“You don’t have to. Of course I did that.”

You try swallowing the lump that suddenly builds in your throat.

“No one ever cared about me like you,” you admit in a whisper.

“Hey,” Joel mumbles, alarmed at the thickness of unshed tears in your voice, “come here, sweetheart.”

Both of his arms reach towards you and his hands splay over your shoulders to pull you into his chest. His warmth engulfs you and you feel the tension in your body subsiding as you’re resting your head over his steady heartbeat.

“We’re safe now,” he whispers into your hair. “I’ll always keep you safe.”

if you liked this, please consider leaving a comment or reblogging - nothing would make me happier 🤍

[hiddenzev]

Second Confession: Part 1

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Chapter Summary: Already having a crush on Joel for a year now, she was asked to be his patrol partner.

Chapter Warnings - Angst, One-sided love, Unrequited Love, Idiots in Love, a hint of fluff

WC: 1.6k

series masterlist . AO3

A/N: This is my first time committing to write a complete series of a fic. Also my first time posting it on tumblr so i'm still navigating and figuring things out. I love reading unrequited love with a happy ending stories so this has been living in my head rent free for awhile. I speak broken English most of the time (singlish iykyk) so there might be errors in my writing here and there, sorry bout that. Idk if anyone is gonna read this but if you do, i hope you enjoy it. This is prolly gonna be a 5 part series so the next few chapters will be longer than this.

Knock, Knock, Knock

You finish up washing your hands in the sink before shouting over your shoulders, “Coming!”

You dried your hands before making your way to the front door. You quickly put on your coat before opening the door and finding Tommy leaning against your porch with his hands in his front pockets.

“Good morning!” he say with a smile, “Ready to go?” he asks, turning his body to gesture them to walk out front. You nod your head and turn to lock your door. Both of you walk out and make your way to the cafeteria for breakfast as usual.

The cafeteria is filled with people in the morning. After getting your food, both of you made your way to the table in the corner with Maria, Ellie and Joel already seated eating their food. As you get closer, Tommy went to Maria’s side and bent down to kiss her on the cheek before sitting beside her. You sit down beside Ellie and gave your greetings to the group.

“Good morning,” you greet them.

“Morning.” Ellie greeted back with mouthful of food still in her mouth.

You get a nod from Maria as she looks up at you while eating her food. Maria has been nice to you from the moment you got to Jackson. Even though she can be strict and tough at times, that is what makes you admire her. You, on the other hand, are reserved and laid back. You are not a leader but more of a follower. That’s why you respect her a lot because of what she’s doing for the community.

It’s been 3 years since you arrived in Jackson, tattered with the remnants of the past and  the pain within you. It was difficult to adjust to the community at first but the couple currently sitting in front of you embraced you into the community with open arms without any judgement. They taught you everything that you need to know about Jackson and since then, you have been living here without much difficulties.

Unlike Maria, Joel does not even acknowledge your presence and keep on eating his breakfast with a frown on his face. You wonder if you will get to be the receiver of his smile one day. You had seen him smile a couple of times while talking to Tommy and you want to see his smile more often.

However, Joel is someone who distances himself from everybody else and has a tough exterior. People in Jackson find him intimidating and stay as far away as possible from him, scared to agitate and make him angry. He’s always tensed around everyone except the ones that he consider his people like Tommy and Ellie.

Joel and Ellie came to Jackson a year ago to find Tommy and that was when you saw him letting his guard down for the first time when embracing his brother in the middle of the town. After that, he had returned back in his shell refusing to open up to anybody. In the beginning, you tried to come up to him and strike a conversation but he always reply with one word answer or silence or a glare that can burn through your skull. You understand that after everything that happened to this world, it’s tough to live with optimism and hope like before.

Ever since he arrived, he had caught your eye. With his rugged appearance, tic in his jaw every now and then, a face that doesn’t show you a hint of happiness and you still can’t take your eyes of him when he’s around. You don’t know why you seek to look or ask about him when he’s not around. You have been harbouring this feeling towards him for a year now. It’s starting to bubble up on the surface and you’re afraid that you can’t contain it anymore.

You shake those thoughts away and start to dig in your food. Breakfast is filled with Ellie telling everybody on the table about things that she learned in school and asking us about life before the outbreak. Tommy and Maria answer her questions and Joel scoffs at what she said sometimes. You watch her talk about life before the outbreak with wonder in her eyes and you can’t help but smile at her. She brings up the feeling of serenity in you when you see the curiosity in her eyes.

Seeing the world through a kid’s eye is something that we adults cannot afford to do anymore. You are caught up in what Ellie is saying that you don’t realise that Joel, who is sitting on the other side of Ellie, is looking at you. You stare in each other’s eyes for a few seconds before he look away and go back to finishing his food.

“How are you feeling today?” Maria ask you.

“I’m good,” you answer, tearing your eyes away from Joel.

“Do you mind covering Tim on patrols next week?” Joel looks up hearing this. Tim is Joel’s patrol partner. They’ve been partners for almost a month now. Apparently, Tim and Joel don’t get along well. I mean, no one gets along well with Joel. Anyone that got assigned to be his partner always backed out after a few weeks. They cannot find anyone that can handle him except for Tommy. For awhile, Tommy was his partner but they cannot let him stick with him all the time as they needed Tommy’s help somewhere else sometimes.

You look at Joel to gauge his reaction. His stern look towards Maria is not breaking.

“Yeah I don’t mind.” You turn your head to look at the couple. Tommy is giving you an apologetic look knowing Joel is difficult to work with. He look at Joel who has turn his eyes away from Maria and now towards him.

“Joel, please. We don’t have anyone else.” Tommy says with a begging look on his face. Joel stares at him without saying anything.

“Oh come on man, is it so difficult to not be mean?” Ellie breaks the silence. Joel frown at her as she continues to speak.

“She’s my friend and she’s nice,” her eyes widen to emphasise her words.

“I don’t want you to infect her with your ‘old man attitude’,” she air quote annoyingly, making Joel to soften his eyes a little bit.

“Besides, she’s the only one that can stand you and your grumpiness.” Joel look at her confused. You are confused too by what she said. What does she mean by that? Tommy and Maria exchange glances before Maria speaks again.

“If everyone is ok with it, I’ll see you at the gates for patrol next week.” She looks at everyone for confirmation before stopping to look at you. You give her a nod before she stands up to start her day. Everybody quietly leaves before you are left with Ellie alone who still has a little bit of food to finish.

You timidly ask her about what she meant earlier, “Ellie, what do you mean when you said I’m the only one that can stand him and his grumpiness?”

Ellie looks at you with a mischievous glint in her eyes. She smirks and continue to eat her food not answering your question.

“Ellie!” you urge her to answer you.

She just laugh at you and stands up to return her tray. You are left alone being confused.

Feeling a little bit sluggish from the day, you make yourself a nice hot tea and make your way to your front porch. You sit down on your chair, immersing yourself in the calm stillness of the night. You have always enjoy the nights in Jackson more than the daytime. 

As you are relaxing, what happened earlier today, creeps up in your mind. The way Joel was looking at you makes your heart beat faster. What was he thinking while looking at you like that? Also, what did Ellie meant when she said that I’m the only one that can stand him and his grumpiness? You did not spend a lot of time with him alone for her to think that way.

You are perplexed on joining him on patrols, knowing the fact that a lot of people had a tough time with him. You cannot back out from it now and you are taking this opportunity to get to know him better.

While you are in thinking about Joel, you hear the strumming of a guitar nearby. It must be him. Joel lives adjacent to your house and you know that he plays the guitar some nights thinking no one is around to hear him play. You are not able to see him play because he plays the guitar at his back porch all the time. You did get to see him play once when he was back facing you, sitting at the edge of his porch, taking in the sunset. You had thought it was a beautiful view even though he wasn’t facing you.

You did not tell anyone about your feelings for him but you think that maybe Tommy has caught on to it. Sometimes he caught you looking at his brother and he would give you a mischievous smirk.

You have been wanting to tell Joel about your feelings that you’ve kept for about a year now. You also know that it is a risk as he will probably react badly to it. You do not expect him to accept it. You are doing it mostly for yourself. Call it selfish or whatever but you think it’s better to let those feelings out and move on with your life without keeping a secret that will only eat you from the inside.

Having a crush for a year is a long time and you think that it won’t progress any further so you’d rather do it fearlessly with no regrets. With a determination to confess , you let yourself listen to him playing the guitar for awhile more before calling it a night.

next part

[eff4freddie]

After She Left | Six

Words: 4.5k

Sarah's mom has arrived in Jackson, appearing at the gate injured and with two others in tow. You and Joel deal with the fall out the best way you can, with mixed results.

Chapter warnings: Slow burn. A heated but angsty kiss.

A/N: Thank you for your patience while I worked my way through some personal stuff. This is a shorter chapter and really just covers the immediate aftermath of Shauna's arrival in Jackson. We'll find out more about her and Joel's relationship once the dust settles.

Five | Series Masterlist | Seven

Joel had done a lot of things that had scared him over the years since the outbreak. He’d fought monsters only the most twisted of minds could dream up, had lost friends, had lost family. Had brought Ellie halfway across a dead country to eke out a life of safety. Had kissed you on the steps of the mess hall with your hair all pretty and your lips so red.

None of it was so terrifying as this moment, in Tommy’s tiny little office crammed off the back of the Town Hall, with his gut churning and his hands wringing endlessly in front of his chest.

It had been about as good of a marriage as it had been long. Thinking back on it now he could see they’d just been kids, basically. Barely out of high school, Joel working his first construction job while Shauna went to the community college, and he’d been so proud of her then, working the shift at the library in the mornings and earning all of about $4 an hour, up and reading all night. He’d loved her, he’d known that he had, and that was how he knew what she lost when she gave him Sarah, how abruptly her life changed, how the little screaming bundle of curls he loved in an instant took his wife away.

Tommy was eyeing him, he could feel the eyes of his little brother on him without even turning his head. He kept his eyes on Shauna, studying her face, tracing back the years, catching the threads of time as they slipped through his fingers. She was still pretty, but she was worn out. He supposed he was much the same.

‘The ambush, we weren’t prepared,’ one of the other men were saying, and Joel paid him little attention. Shauna was shivering, her wide brown eyes watching him as he did her, her arm held to her chest in its sling, dried blood on her collar. Almost on instinct he stepped forward and threw his jacket over her shoulders. She gave him the faintest hit of a smile.

‘You alright?’ he asked, quiet.

‘Joel…’ he heard Tommy say, and Joel knew that he was interrupting, that this was an interrogation and not a homecoming. But seeing her again was making him hear an echo of something long, long forgotten. That her eyes were so pretty. That her eyes were so like her daughter’s.

‘Can I see her?’ Shauna asked him, quiet and ignoring everyone else just as Joel was. Joel felt his brows crease, the look of confusion passing over his face.

‘We’d heard rumours of a town out here, a little bit of the real world behind a wall, but we weren’t trying to find you, I swear it,’ the second man was saying. Joel felt his stomach roll, his tongue drying out in the cavern of his mouth. Her, he realised. Shauna wanted to see her.

‘You pass by any infected?’ Tommy asked, moving into the centre of the room, trying to regain some sort of control while his big brother remained out of commission.

‘She’s…she’s…’ Joel tried to say, but couldn’t say it, not in this room and not in this moment, not with his ex-wife from twenty-five years ago wearing his jacket to keep out the cold. It didn’t make sense, the clashing of these worlds, of these times. He felt woozy with it, wondered if he needed a stiff drink or if that would just make it worse.

She was studying his face, expecting and scared and hopeful and surely she knew, surely she would have to figure it out just by the way words were failing him.

‘No infected, just the raiders,’ the second man replied.

‘You’ll have to quarantine,’ Tommy responded, and Joel could feel that he was letting things slip by him, that his brother probably needed him to back him up, needed to be a silent authority figure in the background, menacing and malevolent and just an arm’s length away from a rifle at all times.

‘We don’t even know if they’re staying,’ Maria was saying to Tommy.

‘We can’t throw ‘em out in the middle of the night. Not when it’s her,’ Tommy snapped. Joel could see Maria peering at him, at Shauna, trying to piece things together.

‘Sarah didn’t make it,’ Joel said, finally, settling on words that in no way conveyed the horror of that night, of the magnitude of it. The room around him went silent as the other inhabitants felt the weight shift, sensed a loss was in the room. Joel watched as Shauna’s face contracted into shock, then into disappointment, into sadness. Joel knew that look. Saw it most mornings in the mirror, his failure etched as it was into his skin.

‘When...?’ Shauna asked, her face turning ashen.

‘First night,’ Joel replied, not elaborating, finding himself completely unable to.

‘Oh.’ Shauna replied. She blinked, realising for the first time the rest of the room’s eyes were on her. ‘I thought when I saw you, maybe she…’

Joel shook his head, tried to shake the words loose, tried to knock them out of the air around him.

‘No,’ he said, simply. As if it would ever be that simple.

‘We’ll do whatever you need us to do, quarantine for as long as you like,’ the first man said, stepping towards Shauna, eyeing Joel carefully. Joel stared back at him, blankly.

‘I thought, sometimes, that maybe she was still out there, that maybe she was OK’ Shauna said, her eyes growing wet, finally turning her eyes to the floor. ‘It helped, sometimes, to think she was…just over the horizon.’

Joel swallowed, realising for the first time he had barely been breathing, felt the pull and ache of his chest.

‘Can’t do this now,’ he said, stepping back and turning to Tommy. ‘Can’t do this with her.’

His brother nodded, moving out of the way to give Joel a clear run at the door. Joel heard the snuffling, Shauna’s little gasps for air as he pushed the door open with his shoulder, not trusting the tremble in his hands, felt not for the first time that he had failed to keep Sarah tethered to him, to the living. Had borne witness to another loss of her, had lost her all over again.

--

Your first thought had been the kids, the alarms bringing prom to a crashing halt. You wanted to make some kind of stupid joke about how all proms ended in disaster one way or another, but it didn’t feel right, and instead you braced your cheeks into a smile and rounded them up in the town square, assuring them all they were still safe, that it was in hand. They had all seen Tommy and a couple of the council walk the new arrivals at gunpoint to the town hall. You weren’t sure if it was reassuring. You watched Ellie watch Joel, the way his shoulders tensed before he seemed to collapse in on himself, his little brother whispering urgently in his ear.

‘Who is that lady?’ Mika asked you, and you looked to Ellie for answers. She shrugged, and you the worry on her face.

‘It’s all in hand,’ you said, pulling Mika’s jacket tighter over his shoulders and spying his mother in the crowd. ‘Go on now, it’s past your bedtime anyway.’

‘I don’t gotta bed time,’ Mika replied, defiant to the last. You smiled, genuinely, at him.

‘I don’t believe that for a second, but lets talk about it Monday.’

You turned to Ellie. ‘Do you want to stay with me tonight?’ you asked, and she looked at you in alarm.

‘Why, is this bad?’ she asked, and you shook your head.

‘No, it’s fine, everyone is safe…it’s just that…’ you glanced over her shoulder to where the strangers had been frogmarched. ‘…that looks like it might take a while, and it’s already getting late.’

‘I can handle shit without Joel,’ Ellie huffed at you, and for a moment she looked so much like your sister you had to close your eyes, blink the memory out of them.

‘OK,’ you said, hands raised. ‘I just thought if you wanted company…listen, any time you want to come around you can, I don’t mind.’

Ellie thought for a second, following your gaze to the town hall. There wasn’t any shouting, any sounds of distress. It was likely safe, you knew that. You watched her calculate.

‘I can come by in the morning. I’ll come by to check on you,’ she offered. You felt a warmth in your chest.

‘I’d really appreciate that, thanks Ellie,’ you said. She nodded at you, happier now that her role as protector was assured.

‘Good night,’ she said. You watched as she turned back to her house, her eyes on the town hall the whole way, missing the way Dina watched after her until she disappeared out of view.

You took your hands out of your pockets to examine the tremble that you knew had nothing to do with cold. Something wasn’t sitting right, something heavy and hard on your chest, and you had to keep moving to shift it, had to keep jumping from one foot or the other to stop it settling on the bones and collapsing your sternum. She’s Sarah’s mom. You replayed it in your head over and over, heard Tommy’s voice echoing in your mind more than your own. She’s Sarah’s mom. Why did he look so shocked by that? Why did he immediately search for Joel?

You weren’t going to sleep, and you didn’t want to go home just to bounce against the walls on your own. You turned, the gate rearing up in front of you.

Billy greeted you with a grunt when you rounded the top of the ladder.

‘Not a great outfit for watching,’ he said, and you looked down at Maria’s dress, noticed a run in your stockings. You felt like you should have been cold but you weren’t, heat on your cheeks and burning in your belly.

‘Figured I might as well help out, make sure that’s all of them,’ you said.

‘I don’t wanna sleep neither,’ Billy said, turning back to the horizon.

‘What happened?’ you asked, fumbling for the old pair of binoculars, the set you preferred for its leather strap. You scanned the treeline, looking for movement in the dark.

‘Just emerged from the left,’ Billy said, motioning to the riverside. You focussed your binoculars and looked for tracks in the dirt, as if you could count the sets from this distance. ‘Come out waving, weren’t sneaking up on us. Were looking for my attention.’

‘For help?’ you asked, and Billy grunted. ‘The woman is hurt,’ you said.

‘Patrol’s going out at first light, check out that way, make sure it’s not an ambush.’

‘Trojan horse,’ you said, quietly.

‘Yeah, they’ll take a few of the horses, right enough,’ Billy said, and you smiled, privately.

‘You did some good work, Billy,’ you said, turning to him and examining his side profile. You had no idea how old he was, being that the apocalypse tended to age everyone ten years in a day, but you had to guess he was in his 60s. He’d been the one to open the gate for you on that first day you’d arrived, and he’d done it without suspicion and without fanfare, and all these years you had wanted to ask him why, why he didn’t interrogate, why he didn’t hesitate, but you weren’t sure what his answer would be so you preferred instead to believe that he’d seen something in you, that you’d reminded him of a lost relative, maybe even a daughter, that he had seen in you no ill will, no thirst for destruction. That he had just liked you, without being able to say why, but that alone was enough to let you in.

‘Ah, they practically came to me,’ he said, and you knew that the compliment had made him uncomfortable. He went quiet, turning to examine the right side.  ‘You ever see Tommy move that fast?’ he asked, after a while. You shook your head.

‘Scares me a little,’ you said, flexing your fingers to try and get the shakes out.

‘Mmhmm,’ Billy replied.

You heard footsteps approaching the gate, heavy and fast, but Billy had heard them first and was calling down the ladder. ‘We locked down,’ he called, his voice firm in the quiet of the night.

‘Let me out, Billy,’ Joel’s unmistakable voice grunted out, and you felt a flip in your tummy. You couldn’t see him from this angle, but you could picture him standing at the gate, one knee cocked to the side and his hands on his hips.

You watched Billy’s shoulders slump. He didn’t want to get into it, not at what had to be close to 2 in the morning and definitely not with Big Bad Joel Miller at the bottom of the ladder.

‘Can’t, council orders,’ Billy replied, swallowing. You swore you could hear Joel roll his eyes. ‘For everyone’s safety, y’understand,’ Billy went on.

‘I gotta check the perimeter, make sure…figure out if it was them.’

‘Patrol’s going out in the morning, talk to your brother about going out then.’

‘Ain’t waiting for them,’ Joel grunted. You shuffled over peer down at him, leaning over the railing to spy him without him seeing you.

‘Y’know I can’t let you-’

‘GODDAMNIT,’ Joel yelled, loud enough to knock snow off the highest peak and cause an avalanche to bury the whole sorry lot of you. ‘Let me out Billy, or I swear to God I will shoot my way out.’

‘It’s dark, Joel,’ you said, reacting with your spinal cord to the sound of his distress, stepping onto the first rung of the ladder and practically sliding your way to the ground. When you turned he was pacing, glaring at you. A wild animal, caged.

‘Don’t, not with you,’ he said, a sneered little warning that you immediately ignored.

‘It’s late, Joel, and it’s dark. You won’t see anything.’

‘I need to check the perimeter,’ he said, again, the muscles in his neck straining to contain his frustration, his fear.

‘We’re watching the treeline,’ you said, trying to appease him, and he paced again, three steps left and three steps right, both the pistol and the hair trigger.

‘Listen to me,’ he said, rounding on you with dark eyes, flinty and sharp. You saw it, then. Big Bad Joel Miller. You swallowed, willed yourself not to break his gaze. ‘There was something out there, weeks ago, you remember?’

You nodded, reminding yourself to relax your shoulders, to harden yourself to him.

‘There were tracks, within the perimeter, and I couldn’t tell how many sets…but I was damn sure there was more than one.’

You figured you just needed to keep him talking, that if he kept yelling at you at least he wasn’t trying to rip apart the gate with his teeth.

‘It was something, I fuckin’ told Gollum it was something. I don’t even know if it was them! But I gotta see, I gotta check it out.’

‘Joel, they’re patrolling first light…’ you tried, but he turned his shoulder to you, focusing back on the gate.

‘And if it wasn’t them then, who got to ‘em?’ he asked, but this time he was talking almost entirely to himself. ‘Who nearly took her? Who busted her arm?’ he said, after a long moment. You watched as the crack emerged up his middle, all of the anger starting to seep away. He turned back towards you, eyes on the ground and his brows saddled, his face nearing collapse.

‘Who is she, Joel?’ you asked, stepping in to his space to try and get him to look at you, wanting to put your arms around him, hold him close to you, tremble and shake against each other, let the friction arc bolts of lightning into the dark above your heads. He shook his head, but you took another step forward. ‘Who is Sarah?’ you asked, and gasped when his eyes snapped to you, his whole body rearing up on you like a snake leaping for its prey.

‘Not you,’ he said, and you swallowed, felt the tears welling up hot and desperate and pathetic behind your eyes. He gripped you by the biceps, almost but not quite hard enough to bruise. ‘You don’t say her name.’

You could hear your breath, high and tight, feel the pull across your throat. His eyes bore into you, and this close to him you could smell his cologne, watch his jaw tic as he gripped his fear in his teeth.

‘Joel,’ you whimpered, not scared of him, knowing in your heart he would never hurt you, but nevertheless feeling him slipping from you, watching him retract, the warmth gone in his eyes.

‘She doesn’t exist in this world, not with you,’ he said, again, and you found yourself nodding, not understanding, trying frantically to agree, to acquiesce, to pull him back from the cliff if you could only fucking see the jagged shore. 

‘Who is she, Joel?,’ you asked, and he pulled you in then, one hand wrapping to press into your back so that you crashed into him, his lips soft and quivering, little whimpers catching in his throat as he kissed you, pushed his tongue to open you, let you taste it, the terror and the grief, the loss of her, the acid and the sour, the acridity at the core of him, clambering up into his throat.

He pitched his anchor, prayed it would catch somewhere in you, that you would tug on the line and reel him in, pull him ashore and wipe the seawater from his eyes.

Blood splashed over a pink and purple tee-shirt. Curls caked with blood and mud.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, reality closing back in on him, the wash of the brine gathering at your ankles. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again, because he wasn’t sure what he was sorry for except for all of it, because he couldn’t feel anything except for a pervasive remorse, just that everything had changed because nothing had, because Shauna was back and he had lost Sarah all over again when she did, twenty years and this one day saddled with her ghost. Because he was going to hurt you, even though he desperately didn’t want to, because you were so warm and you burned so bright and he was going to steal it from you, tuck it away between his ribs and cauterise his wounds with it. Because it wasn’t fair on you, so soft and so pretty and so snug in his arms. Because he wanted you, and because that never led anywhere he should be going. Not for him. Never for him.

You felt his grip loosen, felt him withdraw and step back. If you kept your eyes closed you could feel the linger of his kiss, of the scratch of his beard on your cheeks. If you kept your eyes closed you could still hear him, his gasps as he kissed you, the rustle of his jacket as he moved his arm to circle your back. If you kept your eyes closed you could ignore the sound of his receding footsteps, not have to see his back retreat from you as he hurried away.

--

Rose was the good sister, you knew this. There were times when you would have happily snapped her neck just to keep her quiet, others when you would have razed an entire township to the ground if anyone looked at her funny. You were her protector, her older sister, and you knew the moment she arrived squawking and indignant into the world that she was your reason. Keep her safe. Keep her alive. Keep her free.

It meant that while you were off making the tough decisions, off fighting the bullies back, off coming up with lies to feed her teachers as to why she was late to class again, she was in the world sweet, and loving, and open. Crying over dead baby birds in the driveway. Throwing still-wrapped granola bars into the trash in the belief that somehow it would get to a homeless person who needed it more. Doling out second chances to boys who hurt her like her pillow wasn’t saturated to the fibres with her tears.

She was better than you, kinder. When she was gone you struggled without a reason, still did on nights like this. You used to think her gentle nature was a weakness, and the last twenty years had shown you how wrong you were. That the strength she took to bend would have broken so many others. Including you.

You lay in your bed, listening for more alarms even as the sun rose over the mountain. You didn’t need Joel. You didn’t need anyone. Had got this far on your own. Thought back to the months you spent wondering on your own, no place to go, surviving just out of habit. That it led you to Tommy in the middle of the night, then to Jackson, then to home.

You were lonely but you were also used to it. You were forgetting the privilege loneliness was while others fought for their lives, for the safety you had enjoyed now for years. Selfishly held to your chest and then neglected the gift you had been given at the end of the world. You tossed and turned in your sheets, each side of your pillow too hot on your skin. If you had stripped off your shirt and examined your back in a mirror you wouldn’t have been at all surprised to see scorch marks where Joel had held you.

You weren’t Rose. So much of your life was proof of that.

--

The patrol came back the next morning reporting clear perimeters. You weren’t on the wall, but you heard the ripples of relief, felt the shift in the air as the town relaxed around you. If it was just the three of them, Shauna and the two men, and maybe they really had been just desperate and in need of help. Maybe there really was no threat. Maybe now the town could catch its breath. 

You weren’t really expecting to see Ellie, assumed that she would be subsumed in the chaos of the night before, so you were genuinely surprised when she knocked on your door. 

‘Promised to check in,’ she said, but she looked tired, and you wondered how much sleep she’d had, her alabaster skin already pale but ghostly now, in the warming morning light.

‘You want a coffee?’ you asked, leading her into your kitchen.

‘Blech, no fuckin’ way,’ she replied.

‘Did Joel…did you speak to Joel?’ you asked, and she half-nodded, half-shrugged.

‘He wasn’t exactly talkative,’ Ellie said, and you nodded. You had been coping on so little sleep but now suddenly with a teenager in your kitchen you felt the pull of gravity on your muscles. Your eyes stung, dry and swollen.

Ellie watched you as you hovered by the fridge. You felt like you should be fixing her something, but you were finding it impossible to. You looked in your pantry, unseeing. Eyed the apple you’d had sitting in your fruit bowl for at least the last week.

‘Not exactly talkative. That doesn’t sound like him,’ you half joked, and you watched as Ellie smiled, weakly at you.

‘I mean, it makes sense, it’s a big deal,’ she said, and you felt yourself stiffen. ‘I mean, if the mother of my dead daughter showed up unannounced I’d be…’

You didn’t notice Ellie had stopped talking, that she had come to your side to steady you, that you were swaying a little beside your kitchen counter.

‘He…daughter?’ you asked and watched as the panic spread across Ellie’s face.

‘Oh shit,’ she said, ‘he didn’t tell you.’ You shook your head. ‘He didn’t fuckin’ tell me either, if that makes you feel any better,’ she said, and it did, sort of.

‘I mean, he doesn’t have to tell me anything,’ you said, but you were barely hearing yourself, barely aware of the words even as your mouth formed them.

‘It was…the first day of the outbreak,’ Ellie went on. ‘She was 14.’

You shuddered, a chill running up your spine. ‘Oh, Ellie,’ you said, but she was waving you off.

‘Trust me, I’ve been there already, done the whole dead-daughter replacement thing. It’s not that, I don’t think.’

‘He cares about you so deeply,’ you reassured her, agreed with her, and you watched as the teenage girl in front of you nodded in understanding.

‘I know he does.’

‘He’d do anything.’

‘I know he would, I think he already has,’ she said.

You barely heard her, your brain still trying to catch up, running back over all of your conversations with him, all of the moments in the kitchen, of him cooking for you and insisting you stay to eat, of his loitering and interrupting your tutoring, of his terror for Ellie, of his need to keep his eye always on the horizon because of it.

You wanted to go to him, wrap yourself around him, tuck yourself under his chin and make him promise you it wouldn’t change things. Knew that it would never be the same, knew that your kiss last night was a goodbye, knew that you had felt it then but hadn’t wanted to admit it to yourself. That he had gripped you like his life depended on it, crashed his mouth into yours to try and hold onto a reality already slipping from his grasp.

‘Don’t think they were together when it happened,’ Ellie supplied. ‘He never talked about her.’ Your ears were ringing. You pinched your nostrils shut and blew. It didn’t lessen it. Why didn’t it lessen it? ‘I’m really sorry,’ Ellie said.

You wanted to hold his face in your hands and tell him he was a good Dad. That you saw that in him when you looked at Ellie. You wanted to turn your back on all of it, on him and Ellie and fucking Shauna, wanted to put miles and miles between you and Jackson. Wanted to be with Rose and your Mum and Dad, wanted to lift your hand to the sky and have them take it.

You realised you hadn’t said anything in a while, looking over at Ellie to realise with considerable alarm that she was comforting you, that you were the adult but that she was the one trying to keep you both on the rails.

What would Rose do? Think of that, then do the opposite.  

You swallowed, standing up straight and ignoring the way the room swam.

‘It’s going to be OK,’ you announced, to the both of you, turning to the fridge and pulling out supplies to make a sandwich, the ingredients of which you would figure out any minute. ‘You hungry?’ you asked.

‘It definitely is going to be OK,’ Ellie said, eying your back with concern. You turned to her with a block of cheese and a loaf of bread in your hand, and she nodded at you in case you snapped and bludgeoned her to death with it.

‘If it helps, I think he really liked you,’ she supplied.

It didn’t.

Taglist (let me know if you want me to add you)

@harriedandharassed

@vickie5446

@kaseyconnour

@orcasoul

@missladym1981

@spacesoutdaydreamer

@tangled-tumbler-blog-blog

@fancyyoouu

@anoverwhelmingdin

@millersamour

@delicatetrashtree

[alrightieaphroditie]

harder | j.m  series masterlist!

pairing *:·ﾟjoel miller x female!reader wc *:·ﾟ5.7k warnings *:·ﾟ18+! minors please do not interact!! v angsty at first, mentions of death and overall sad topics... then we go into a lil bit of kissing, some dirty talk if you squint, teasing, pet names (baby, sugar), titty play, some praise, probably poorly written smut lmao an *:·ﾟit's been a hot second since i tried writing smut and damn am i insecure about it lmaoo this took longer than anticpated too because i sadly lost half of it almost immediately after writing it... so yeah. feedback is hella appreciated on this, and it isn't quite proofread so if you catch something please let me know!! i enjoyed writing this (like a lot) so i really hope you all enjoy reading this! <3 

synopsis *:·ﾟever since the dinner at your place, joel and ellie have fit themselves into your life seamlessly. when joel gets back from a hunting trip, he comes over and shows you some new tricks. (18+!)

over the course of a couple months, joel and ellie had fit themselves into your life like puzzle pieces. 

the pair would come over to your house once a week every week after that first dinner together, and sometimes you would cook, sometimes you'd grab some food to go from the tipsy bison. they would help you set the table, ellie nagging joel most nights about how slow he was moving to put the silverware around the table. you would all eat, then ellie would sneak into the living room while you and joel cleaned together. and then the three of you would sit around your coffee table, playing board games or cards. or you'd go to see the movie playing in town, or you'd go for a walk around the neighborhood. 

these nights with them quickly became your favorite moments of the week. you had formed a close bond with ellie, and the more time you spent with joel, the harder you fell for him. most nights ellie would fall asleep in the guest room you had set up for her, and you and joel would spend hours talking together out on the porch like you did that first night. 

sometimes you'd talk about nothing major. he'd comment on how the greenhouses were doing, which was where you helped the community out the most, and it would get you talking about all the vegetables and flowers you were trying to grow. or you'd ask how his patrol shift went, and he'd complain to you about his partner. it was small talk, but with someone like joel, it meant a lot to you that he was willing to simply sit on your wooden bench beside you and listen. 

sometimes, after a long week, you'd make joel a glass of whiskey (which you had started to keep around simply for the man. how he didn't know how much you crushed on him was beyond you. maybe it was his age.) and you'd talk about the harder things. your time spent in the bunker your family built. how your best friend was murdered by a group of hunters after they had kept you captive for weeks. how they used you. how you managed to kill them all while they slept because they got lazy and assumed you were too weak. 

joel had had a hard time listening to it, but he insisted that he wanted to hear about your past. the guilt he felt was indescribable. he wasn't the one to keep you captive, to use you, but with his past as a hunter he couldn't help but feel like he played a role in your pain. he had spent a lot of time repressing his emotions regarding that aspect of his life, but you encouraged him to talk about it. to feel his emotions. you told him over and over again that you didn't blame him, weren't scared of him. didn't judge him. 

it was hard for him to hear, to believe, but your consistency helped him more than he would ever admit. he was more welcome in jackson now than he was when he first arrived, mostly thanks to you, but he still felt like an outsider. like people were just waiting for a pin to drop and for him to reduce back into the monster of a man they claimed him to be. he was tired of trying to prove to everyone that he was simply just a man who survived the only way he knew how to. but with you? he didn't feel the need to apologize for who he was. he could settle with you, and that was something he hadn't felt in a long time. 

on the simpler nights, joel would talk about his life before the outbreak, how he and tommy worked in contracting and how he missed doing things with his hands. he'd talk about always being busy, always doing something, when the world turned. about how he was skeptical of the community when he and ellie first stumbled upon it because for once, for the first time since the outbreak, he wasn't constantly having to look over his shoulder for something bad. 

on the harder nights, the ones where joel felt like he needed more than one glass of liquor, he confided in you about sarah. about tess. about how his relationship with tommy had changed and he didn't know what he needed to do to fix it anymore. about his insecurities with ellie, how he didn't trust his mind anymore to make the right decisions when it came to her because he was too attached. 

he told you all of the things he swore he would never talk about again, and you simply sat there, listening, sharing his burden. the way your hand would rest gently on his arm while he talked, squeezing it every once in a while, to encourage him to go on, it provided him with a strength he didn't know he needed. 

joel didn't know this, but that night when he first told you about sarah and the events that happened on his birthday, after he and ellie had left, you spent the rest of your night crying in your bed. crying for joel, for the loss he had experienced. for how the world had turned and how he had to manage the loss of his own world on top of it. for how he was never properly able to grieve her death. 

you were beginning to see a side of joel you don't think anyone has seen in a long time. you were also starting to understand why joel miller was the man he is today. after learning about his past, his experiences, and his trauma, you recognized and could empathize why he felt the need to guard his heart the way he has been. it was a testament to his strength, how he could keep going while carrying all of that inside of him, and you admired the hell out him. 

and somehow, you had worked your way into his heart, through his guards. and joel may not have known it yet, but you were there to stay, and you would be for as long as he let you. 

you were constantly thinking about the man, your days spent replaying your conversations in your mind and getting giddy just remembering them. you honestly were a bit concerned, considering you've never felt this way about anyone before. you wanted to ask maria about it, but then she'd pester you into telling her who you were crushing over, and you didn't think it would go over too well considering joel was twice your age and, well, him. 

so, you kept it to yourself, letting your mind fantasize about what it would be like to actually be with joel, physically, romantically, all of it. 

you hadn't seen joel in a couple of days, as he was one of the men selected to go hunt. he wouldn't be back for a few more days, either, and you hated to admit it but you missed him. and you wondered if he missed you too. if he ever thought about you while he was away. he was so hard to read, even now, and sometimes you thought about just grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him while you unloaded all of your feelings onto him. 

but if there was one thing you knew about joel miller, it was that he would absolutely hate that. so... you kept it to yourself. 

you had just gotten home after spending all day in the greenhouse with ellie. maria had you showing her the vegetation that the community was working on, showing her the ins and outs of gardening and how to properly pick the fruit that was growing. she loved it, of course, and on her breaks, she spent most of the time sketching the different fruits and flowers in the little sketchbook joel had found for her. 

it was a good day, but a busy one, and you were exhausted. the sun was already starting to set, and you wanted to cuddle up on your couch with one of the romance novels your friend had brought you with a cup of tea. you were still dressed in your work outfit - a pair of olive-green linen pants and simple black cotton t-shirt - and you were already planning on stepping into your pajamas early when a knock on your door startled you. 

a glance through the little peephole on your door had your heart racing. joel was standing on your porch, one of his arms behind his back as he glanced around. you could see the muscles in his arm bulge against the faded red t-shirt he was wearing, and that sight alone could've fueled your fantasies for a month straight. 

a grin was plastered on your face as you unlocked the front door, and his dark eyes found yours easily through the screen door. "joel miller, as i live and breathe. what are you doin' here?" you adopted an exaggerated southern accent, something you and ellie started doing to poke fun of joel for his texan roots. he kept telling you guys it wasn't funny, but you could always see a small smile on his lips every time you did it.

even now as he rolled his eyes at you, you could see the edges of his mouth quirk up in a smirk, and fuck but you loved it. "you think you're so damn funny with that, don't you?" he asked, his gaze trailing down your body so quickly you almost missed it. but you didn't, and now your face was burning bright red. 

"ellie would agree with me and you know it, mister." you argued, pushing the screen door open for joel to come in. he didn't move, though, keeping his arm behind his back with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. you crossed your arms over your chest. "but for real, i thought you were gonna be out a few more days with everyone else?" it was rare that the hunting party would come back early, but not uncommon either. 

"didn't have much luck in the area we were in, so we figured we'd come back and regroup before leaving again. i found somethin' though," he trailed off, a full smile encompassing his mouth now. something you had learned about joel in your months of studying him was that gift giving was a huge thing for him. he mainly brought stuff back for ellie, but you've noticed lately that he had been finding little things here and there for you too. you wondered what that meant.

you could just barely make out the edges of something behind his legs, but you couldn't quit tell what it was. your arms slipped from your chest, your hands moving out and making a grabby motion. "you want me to close my eyes?" you teased, making a point of squinting your eyes so that you could see just a sliver of joel between them. he shook his head at you, grumbling something about how weird you were becoming, and he moved his arm from back behind his body. 

"joel!" you gasped; mouth dropped in awe as he presented a perfectly intact guitar. "this is amazing! you do know what this means now, right?" his eyebrow rose as he took in the sight of you gently holding the instrument. he had been pretty proud of the find, taking care to clean off the vines and dirt that had dusted itself around the guitar. considering you had been begging him for lessons for weeks since ellie mentioned he could play the guitar; he knew what was coming. 

he wanted to tease you about it, regardless. 

"if i hear the words 'guitar lessons' come out of your mouth, 'm leavin'." he threatened, crossing his arms across his chest. his worn t-shirt strained against his muscles and tightened around his chest, and it took everything in you not to stare. his tone was mean, as mean as he could get with you, but then he did something you weren't expecting - he winked at you. 

you squealed internally. 

“that’s not fair and you know it, miller. we literally have a guitar now! what else are we gonna do with it?” you complained playfully, your voice light. you started backing up into the house, joel’s arm reaching out to catch the screen door before it slammed shut in his face. he followed you in, making sure to close both doors and kicking his work boots off next to the small rug you had inside. 

you were still marveling over the instrument, turning it over in your hands while taking it in. from what you remembered, this was a pretty standard guitar. the wood was a warm brown, and it had all six silvery strings connected still. you sat down on the carpet in front of your couch, balancing the guitar on your thighs. you were aware of joel as he entered the living room behind you, settling into one of the chairs you had on the other side of the room.

he was quiet as he watched you get comfortable with the guitar, his brown eyes sweeping over your figure. your head was bent to the side, your hair falling in slight waves across your face as you studied where to put your fingers on the neck. he could see you biting your bottom lip as you concentrated, and he had to stealthy adjust himself in the chair as he watched. god, he thought. you looked so beautiful. 

his thoughts were interrupted by the loudest, most out of tune noise coming from you and the guitar. he had to fight off the urge to cover his ears, but then he wouldn’t have heard the sound of your laughter that followed quickly after, and that was something he never wanted to miss. his eyes were already on yours when you lifted your head to look at him, a sheepish smile on your face. “clearly i don’t know what i’m doing. your turn?” 

he hadn’t played the guitar in years, but he would be lying if he said his fingers weren’t itching to at least hold it again. he rubbed his palms against his jean clad thighs before standing up and taking the guitar from your outstretched hands. for some reason, he was nervous to play in front of you. he wanted it to be good, to be perfect, but with years of not practicing and with no idea how maintained this guitar was, he really couldn’t do much besides try. 

joel tested the guitar in his grip, absentmindedly strumming his fingers quietly while he fiddled with the pegs to tune it. and you sat there on your carpet, stars in your eyes as you watched his shoulders relax ever so slightly. you saw his foot tapping against the floor as he strummed, and it wasn’t a song you recognized but it immediately became your new favorite. 

he played for a lot longer than you anticipated, his eyes closing softly as his fingers worked the neck of the guitar. you wished in this moment that you had a camera, some way to capture the moment. you’ve never seen joel so relaxed, so in his element. his foot, tapping away against your floor. his hands, holding the guitar with a level of gentleness you weren’t expecting. his head, slowly bobbing along to the chords he played. the sunset was filtering through your window, casting him in an orangish glow. 

and your heart ached, thinking about the man before you who once dreamed of making a career out this. he was talented enough, that was for damn sure. you could easily imagine him somewhere up on a stage, holding the same guitar and preforming the same exact way. you wondered if he’d ever sing in front of you, but you didn’t want to push your luck. this alone was enough for you. 

the music eventually drifted away softly, joel’s fingers coming to rest as he strummed it one last time. he cleared out his throat when he finished, looking a little shy, but you weren’t having it. “joel, that was amazing.” you gushed, fighting the urge to clap for him. 

“s’nothin’ special,” he muttered, but you swore the tips of his cheeks turned a shade of light pink from the compliment. 

“that’s bullshit and you know it,” your tone was argumentative back, not wanting him to diminish his talents. you sat forward on your knees, clasping your hands together. “will you please teach me something, joel? anything? one singular basic chord?” you begged, giving him your biggest eyes and playful pout. 

“you’re almost worse than ellie is when she wants something.” he teased, rolling his head back on his neck before standing up to come sit behind you on the couch. his legs spread out, and from the corner of your eye you could see his thighs strain against his jeans. oh lord. 

“i’m taking that as a compliment. that girl is so headstrong and i love it,” you shuffled back so that your back was pressed against the couch, crossing your legs over the other again so that you could rest the guitar against your lap. you gave an experimental strum, and since joel worked on tuning it, the noise that came out was much more pleasant than your attempt earlier. 

“course you would,” the man behind you muttered, and you shot him a grin over your shoulder before adjusting your hands on the instrument. he leaned forward slightly, keeping an eye on your hands and not the way your shirt dipped down the front of your chest slightly. your skin was more exposed, and he could see a constellation of freckles littering your skin. fuck, but he wanted to kiss every single one of them. 

with a sigh, joel began telling you where to place your fingers along the neck for specific chords. he was patient, watching carefully as you figured them out with his help. every time you correctly struck the right chord, it made him grin. he liked seeing you so excited over this mundane activity. the way you were always so enthusiastic, so bright, it just drew him in like a moth to the light. he couldn’t help it. 

you had shifted away from the couch slightly, your back hunched over the instrument as you did you best to play it. you had picked up the simple chords pretty easily, but you were struggling with getting your finger placement correct on the last one joel gave you. joel kept telling you how easy this one was, too, which had started to frustrate you. the man’s hands were easily twice the size of your own, of course he would think it was easy. and you said as much to joel, too, who only chuckled in response. 

“know you can do it, sugar.” he encouraged quietly, scooting over on the couch so that his legs almost bracketed your body. he leaned forward, pulling your upper body back a bit from its slouch as he moved to help you. “keep your arm like this, and then stretch this finger as much as you can. you can move your wrist a little, too.” his rough hands were soon on top of your own, his applying a little more pressure so that he could guide your finger to the correct position. 

finally, you were able to hit the chord right, and you cheered for yourself as you strummed it a couple more times. joel’s hand had slide up your arm gently, resting on the top of your left shoulder while you played. he was still crouched over slightly, but when you turned your head to look at him, you were shocked with how close his face was to yours. 

now that you were facing him though, you could revel in the way his breath was hitting the spot on your neck just right, how it sent goosebumps down your arms and a shiver to your spine. if you tilted your head slightly, you’d bump his nose with your own. your eyes jumped to his, your hand gripping the neck of the guitar so tightly you worried that you were going to snap it. “joel,” you whispered, soft breaths parting from your lips as it opened slightly. 

his dark eyes met yours, and that was it.

you weren’t too sure who moved first. if it was you, dropping the guitar from your lap while you twisted up onto your knees in front of him. if it was him, the hand on your shoulder moving to rest at the base of your neck, squeezing it slightly as he guided you up to his mouth. joel’s thumb caressed your skin softly, and you felt yourself go weak in the knees.  

his mouth slanted across yours, and the feeling of his stubble scratching against your face made you whimper into his mouth softly. his hand tightened around your neck, using the leverage to pull you up from your knees, while his other hand guided you by your hip to straddle one of his legs on the couch. your hands went from his shoulders to his hair to cupping the sides of his face. you could feel him grinning against your lips.

you’ve been kissed before but kissing joel was an entirely new experience. you have never done something that felt so right, so good. you never wanted this to stop. 

your legs adjusted your weight on his thigh, and you felt joel’s grip on your waist tighten as he pressed you down harder. you could feel the rough denim through your thin linen pants, and when joel moved his hand forward, your hip followed in his grip as he rocked you against his thigh. this was a new experience, however. the feeling of his solid thigh pressed against your core, and you suddenly felt much, much hotter. 

“joel,” you whispered again, though it came out in more of a whimper against his lips. his hand rocked you against him again, and yours slid to hold his shoulders and you tested the movement yourself, dragging your hips up his thigh and then back down. another whimper emitted from your lips, and you had half a mind to be embarrassed about the noise, but you were too caught up in the feeling. 

“i know, baby.” his voice was rough against your mouth, and he lowered his lips against yours again, this time angling his head to the side to deepen the kiss. joel tugged on your bottom lip with his teeth, making you gasp softly at the hint of pain before his tongue covered the spot. he took the opportunity of your open mouth to move his tongue in against yours, and you basically crumpled in his lap at how demanding he was as he kissed you. 

your hips had started to steadily move against his thigh on your own, but his big, rough hand was still resting on your hip, his fingers digging little half-moon bruises into your skin as he helped you press a little harder. joel gave your throat one last little squeeze before he moved to the hem of your t-shirt, his fingers slipping underneath ever so slightly. you could feel the calluses on his hands as he trailed them across your stomach lightly, and your breath caught in your throat as he brushed his thumb over the material of your bra, right where your nipple would be. 

you were so overwhelmed by everything joel - his taste, his touch, his smell. you didn’t want to, but you felt yourself struggling to catch a breath, so you pulled away from his mouth slightly, brushing his nose with yours gently. he could feel the little pants coming from your mouth as you exhaled, could hear the smallest of whimpers riding along those exhales as well. everything about you in this moment was working for him, so well that he was trying to think of something ridiculous to stop himself from coming in his damn jeans like a teenager. 

“god, sugar,” he said lowly, trailing his nose across your jaw and down your neck before settling his lips on the base of your throat. the feeling made you giggle softly, but it quickly turned into a louder moan as he started to suck on your skin. “you’re ridin’ my thigh so well, huh?” the compliment had you blushing even more than before. 

you never would’ve imagined that joel, quiet, stoic, joel, would be talking to you like one of the heroes in your romance novels. it was better than anything you could have ever thought of. 

“it feels so good, joel,” you whined, sliding your hand from his shoulder to cup the back of his head. you let your fingers dig into his skin, pulling on the small strands of his hair lightly as you bucked your hips against him. he let out a low groan against your neck, his fingers underneath your shirt pinching the spot his thumb just brushed against. 

he couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. “fuck, i knew you’d be too good to resist. you look so pretty, takin’ what you want from me.” he nipped at your neck, grinning against your skin as you cried out. letting go of your hip, he moved his hand under your shirt with the other one, raising it just enough so that he could see the black bra you were wearing. “can i move this down?” he asked so politely, pressing a small kiss against the skin he just bit.

considering the position you were in, the pleasure this man was making you feel by simply kissing you, you were inclined to let him do whatever he so pleased with you. all you could do was nod your head, give him a small “mhm,” as your eyes started to flutter shut from the tingling sensation happening low in your stomach. 

you heard joel give you a quiet “thank you, baby,” before his hands tugged down the front of your bra. he didn’t bother pulling your shirt off, he didn’t bother taking the bra off entirely. instead, he managed to pull them low enough to have your tits spill over the top, and he bit back a groan before he lowered his mouth to take one of your nipples into his mouth. 

the feeling of his warm mouth against your sensitive skin had you arching your back, pressing your front closer against joel. he slid one of his hands to your lower back, his skin rough against yours, as he encouraged you to move your hips against him. your hand in his hair gripped tightly, practically holding joel against your chest as he nipped and sucked. 

your inner thighs were starting to shake from the movements, and his name was leaving your mouth like a prayer. it only encouraged him more, and he started to softly bounce his leg while you moved against it, giving you even more friction. you felt the heat from your stomach pool to your center, and you weren’t even able to form a coherent thought anymore. you couldn’t help your eyes from squeezing shut, couldn’t help your mouth from falling open, couldn’t help the borderline pornographic moans that emitted from your lips. 

“that’s it, sugar. gonna make yourself cum against my thigh, huh?” joel asked, pulling away from your chest as he watched you with hooded eyes. you were completely lost in the pleasure, could feel yourself soak through your panties with how wet you were becoming. you had never cum like this before, but god this would definitely not be the last time. that was a sentiment that you both had shared. 

“fuck, joel,” you squeaked out, increasing your hips movements against his thigh. his hand on your back gave you support, and he pinched your nipples roughly once more before he gripped your throat and brought your mouth back against his. this kiss was harder, messier, and more urgent than the kiss before. your teeth bumped against his, you felt your lips getting wet with spit, and fuck but you loved it. joel was usually so in control, so calm, and seeing him become so rushed, so frantic, it nearly pushed you to your orgasm alone. 

the thing that did it for you, though, was joel pulling away slightly, your noses brushing together as he offered you quiet words of encouragement. “you’re doing such a good job, just like that, baby. look at you, makin’ a mess on my thigh.” his breath invaded your space, making you gasp as you fought to get air as his hand tightened around your neck. he kissed you once more, just a gentle press of his lips against yours, and you lost it. 

your body curled in on itself as you came, white hot heat flooding your senses as you fell into joel’s chest with a loud cry. you were gripping him tightly, anchoring yourself to him as your body trembled. he held you tightly, brushing your hair back from your sweaty forehead and rubbing his hand up and down your back. he was grinning the entire time, his ego raising indefinitely at the fact that he had been able to make you feel this good. 

your face was pressed in the crook of his neck, and you were surprised to find genuine tears lingering in your eyes. that knowledge had you giggling, and you must have been delirious because you couldn’t stop it from happening. joel tilted his head back. “what the hell are you laughin’ at right now?” he asked, incredulously. he had never had a girl laugh after being with him. 

you could hear the slight panic in his voice, which made you laugh even more, but you sat back. “you made me cry,” you admitted to him, running your fingers underneath your eyes to wipe away the stray tears. joel let out a snort, which had you laughing once again. his thumbs moved to replace your fingers, gently moving across your skin until the wet was cleared up. he leaned up, placing a kiss gently on your forehead. “you okay?” he asked, softly caressing your skin with his hands. 

you bit down on your bottom lip, feeling more than okay, and you gave him a quick nod before taking his mouth with yours. the kiss was soft, but you were well intended to give joel the same amount of affection. your hand had just trailed down his chest, stopping at the waistband of his jeans, when you heard your front door open. 

“hello?” ellie’s voice rang out from the entryway, forcing you and joel apart. you had never moved so quickly, swinging your leg off of his thigh and fixing your top to cover your chest once again. you were still kneeling on the couch near joel when ellie stomped her way into the living room, giving the two of you a weird look. “why are you guys sitting so close to each other?” 

“she had somethin’ in her eye,” joel’s response was so quick, it almost made you snort. “what the hell are you doin’ here, kid? and didn’t i teach you how to knock first?” his irritation was palpable, which you found funny. poor guy was probably seconds away from coming in his pants. 

“geez, sorry. i saw that some of the other guys were back early, and you weren’t home so i figured you’d be here.” she explained, holding her hands up in surrender. joel pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand, trying to get his breathing under control. he had no right to be mad at ellie, and it wasn’t that he was actually mad… he was just trying not to embarrass himself in front of you. 

“why’d you figure that, els?” you asked, loving the fact that ellie knew joel well enough that he would come over here if he wasn’t at home first. even if you guys had just made out on your couch, you still liked the validation that joel maybe, possibly liked you back. 

“where else would he be? he literally never leaves the house unless it’s to come over here, and he hasn’t shut up about you since you first met.” she threw herself down in one of the chairs across the room from you, completely oblivious to the glare joel was shooting her way. 

“oh really?” your voice was teasing as you turned your head to joel, who easily fixated his glare on you. you wiggled on your knees slightly next to him, which caused his eyes to darken. 

“don’t you ‘oh, really?’ me like that. is this how it’s gonna be? the two of you gangin’ up on me from now on? because i don’t think i like it very much.” he slouched back against the couch, folding his arms across his chest. 

“yes, you do.” you and ellie chirped back at the same time, giving each other a grin as joel shook his head. he muttered something under his breath before standing up, adjusting his jeans as he did. ellie hopped up from her chair, too, rubbing her hands on her stomach. “can we get something from the tipsy bison? i’m starving.” 

“sure, kid.” joel responded, ruffling her hair as she passed by him. she didn’t even bother to wave goodbye before she moved out the front door, leaving joel and you alone again. he glanced at the door until it was shut before turning back your way, placing his hand under your chin to lift your gaze up to him.

“we’ll talk about this later, yeah?” he asked, his brown eyes soft as they focused on your face. you simply nodded, finding yourself shifting up on your knees so that you could kiss him one more time. joel sighed as you did, nipping at your bottom lip before pulling away. he bid you a goodnight before he followed ellie out of your house. 

sinking back into the couch cushions, you couldn’t help but let yourself freak out for a moment. never in your wildest dreams did you anticipate your evening taking a turn like this, and you were looking forward to seeing joel again so that you could talk. hopefully, talking isn’t the only thing we do, you thought, the grin on your face wider than ever. 

after kissing joel miller, it was decided. you were falling harder and harder for that man, and you didn’t mind it a single bit. 

tag list *:·ﾟ@yyiikes @farintonorth @scarletsloveletter @miss-celestial-being @thatgingefromtheinternet @javicstories @marianita195 @feliciab1990

[elliesflower]

what's love? [ellie williams]

pairing; ellie x gn!reader

cw; angst, ellie and reader in a situationship(kinda), post-golf incident (joel mentioned), slightly au (still set in jackson, ellie never went to seattle), ellie doesn't open up ab her feelings :(

an; hello! first off, rest easy to one of the greatest to ever do it, miss tina herself. while listening to her today i felt like this song was very ellie-coded tbh nd i haven't been great lately nd just wanted to throw something angsty together for my baby girl :( (i know the song's vibe doesn't necessarily match the story's vibe but i'm meaning more the lyrics). also this is more from ellie's pov so reader is gn and has absolutely no physical descriptors!!

no smut, but like all my content please 18+ only, mdni!!!

Three little words. 

One big problem. 

What is it?

“Is this the end?” 

No, not those ones. It was something else, painful, and always dancing at the tip of her tongue, making tiny beads of sweat prick at her palms and a ball of trepidation sink to the pit of her stomach. They were cursed words, seldom given thought, and never spoken aloud. The underlying topic of ninety percent of all songs ever written, and movies produced—it was cruel, really, how there was no escaping it. 

“This can’t be the end…” 

Vision blurred by the thoughts of a thousand demons, Ellie muttered back into the void. 

“It’s not,” and her voice was so quiet, it very well could have been the wind pestering the trees outside her window. 

“It’s not…?”

Oh. Right. 

Movie. 

Your legs shifted under the shared blanket, and Ellie’s eyes refocused onto your folded hands in your lap. 

“Is there a second movie, or something?” Your voice was trembling only slightly, the emotional turmoil of the last twenty minutes of the movie lacing your words. 

Ellie shook her head again, as if it would shake her brain right out. She couldn’t help but to feel bad, having practically abandoned the movie as she stewed in her own emotions. There were so many of them, fighting to get out, clawing her insides every time she looked at your face for too long.

“Sorry,” she could blame her watery eyes on the movie. Push aside her feelings. Again. “No, there’s no second one. I wish there was, though.”

Ellie wasn’t much like an open book. Or, I guess she was a very specific kind of book. That one you fell in love with based on the dust jacket description, with her complex words and inexplicit detail, but every time you’d pull it down to read, something stopped you. Life gets in the way. You’d tried and tried, oh god have you tried, to open her up; to wear her down, pressing on her spine and dog-earing her pages, keeping her infrequent tipsy confessions and three-am sleep deprived rants in the back of your mind like a filing cabinet. Pushing, but never pressuring. Ellie didn’t like pressure. 

“S’okay,” your voice was always soft with her. Couldn’t be loud, couldn’t scare her away, because Ellie Williams could fucking run. Away from her problems, as fast as her legs could carry her and as far as her heart would let her. Despite her alienation, the empty bed permanently rooted in the hardwood of Joel’s house kept her coming back. “Did y’wanna watch anything else? I’m kinda tired.” 

Even the softness of your voice couldn’t conceal your hurt, that she was shutting down. Closing you off. Keeping you at a distance. Her heart twinged, but she couldn’t look at you. She looked down at her outstretched legs, the off-white blanket cascading over them, the piece of dust she could see out of the corner of her eye. Anything. Except you. She felt cold, but your body was warm, radiating and making her shift toward you subconsciously. She hated it. 

Why is hate so much easier to express?

“You have patrol tomorrow?” It was easier to just get technical, sometimes. You nodded, before stretching your arms over your head, a yawn escaping you. “Gotta be up at four. Wesley and Nia have the flu or something, so we have to head out early to swing by their posts, too.” Ellie nodded, absentmindedly picking at her cuticles. Ignoring the sweet smell of vanilla that emanated from your body as your arms went over your head. 

She was so proud of herself when she found you that bar soap out on patrol, neatly tucked away in a dusty white vanity. You were so happy, so grateful, always so grateful that she was thinking of you. That she perceived you in such a way.

And she almost fucking said it, that night. Almost ruined everything. Those three little words. She was high, probably on some weed, but also on how your eyes sparkled when you were happy, the way your eyes crinkled slightly at the corners and you shifted your body weight side-to-side excitedly. Your emotions were quite obvious, most of the time. It made Ellie want to cry. 

“That sucks,” she mumbled, and she couldn’t help it now. You were like a magnet, she was sliding down against the pillows, watching the credits roll on the small screen past the end of her bed. She could hear you breathing, deep and careful. On edge. Why were you so on edge?

“It does,” you agreed. Ellie didn’t look away from the screen. Sinking, slowly, slowly, slower...her head was resting near your rib cage, now. She could feel you breathing. And she felt you slide down to match her position, turning your body to face her, silently and without explanation. It was better that way. 

“You’ll sleep here tonight?” And it felt strangled, coming out of her throat. She didn’t need to say anything, though. Of course you were sleeping in her bed. Tonight, and the night before that, and before that…but she felt you nod against her side, and her arm slid up to allow you access to her chest. No explanation. Ellie was really bad at explaining. 

“You’re cold,” your voice was muffled against the fabric of her gray hoodie. Ellie almost smiled. Almost. 

“You’re warm,” she retorted, and she feels your heart pulse faster against the skin of your back. The movie’s end credits became the soundtrack to the night. Soft and pensive. Like you. 

Ellie watched as your breathing eventually slowed, your shoulders rising and falling rhythmically as you drifted away into sleep. She was always jealous of that, though of course, like everything else, she’d never admit it—how your tiredness always let you drift into a blissful dreamland, your right hand twitching where it usually sat curled loosely atop her chest as you slept. You moved a lot, she noticed, and talked sometimes, too. Sleep didn’t come easy to people like Ellie. 

And so, she was absolutely, positively, awake and conscious when you let out a breathy sigh in your sleep, legs twitching slightly against her bottom half before settling back into her chest. A whisper escaped your lips, so sweet it may have been laced with vanilla, too. 

“I love you…” 

But this time, Ellie couldn’t stop her tears.

[sublimecatgalaxy]

Can I has a Joel x reader request where he ends up picking her up along the way(saving her) and she just kinda sticks around. She's good at medicinal herbs and foraging. speaking of WHY ARE THERE NO CHARACTERS LIKE THAT IN ANY POST APOCALYPTIC SHOW/MOVIE like that should be a course. Idk I want it to be fluffy like a clicker or an infected is running at her and he gets rid of it

I love this idea for sure, I hope you like it :)

"You're a fucking botanist?"

That was the first thing Joel asked me when he found me stranded in the country side of Wyoming, a young girl attached to his side when he looked down at the botany book in my hands and the array of flowers and twigs around me.

He almost shot me. Of course he didn't tell me that till weeks later, when we were finally settled in with his brother and the rest of civilization back in Jackson. He claimed that he thought I was infected by how much I was shaking but my claim was that it was nearly negative five degrees and my anxiety was skyrocketing as soon as I heard him step on a twig twenty feet away from me.

He saved me from freezing to death and getting mauled by a clicker and insulted my career in the same five minutes.

"Well botany was useless until the end of the world, huh?"

"I like to think that we were always useful, just not in obvious ways."

"Are you alone out here?" The girl asks with a kinder smile than the expression the mystery man is giving me, his eyes drooping low to look over me and my backpack to my left. She steps past the frightening man to step between the two of us, giving the man a hesitant but kind look before turning back to me.

"Yeah, just little old me." I shiver, teeth chattering as another blow of wind sweeps right through my bones, chilling me to my core. She frowns and pulls her jacket tightly around her chin before reaching into her pack to pull out a small blanket, tossing it onto the ground in front of me.

"Joel, can we keep her?" She asks as I scramble to wrap the blanket around my shoulders, already feeling ten times better than I did before.

"I'm not a stray dog." I giggle, looking at her with a teasing look and she nods bashfully, understanding how she came off.

"You practically look like it." The man mutters and I frown, heart panging as I lean down to smell my shirt and I have to be honest, it does resemble that of a wet dog.

"Ouch, when was the last time you showered, old man." I tease but his stoic expression sticks as his shoulders lift in a brief shrug.

"A week ago." He adds matter-of-factly and I feel envy swim in my belly at the thought of a snarky, unkind man like him deserving a hot shower, a shower that I would kill someone for.

"You guys are mean." I huff before looking to the girl with a smirk. "I like you." Before anyone else can say a word, Joel's eyes flicker past me and to the tree line and I feel my stomach drop at the frightened look on his face.

"Joel-" The young girl starts but Joel holds a hand up to her, taking a step towards me and I let him push me behind him and into the arms of the girl with a huff.

"I got it, Ellie." He mutters, holding the knife carefully in the air as the clicker approaches us and I look away in time as I hear the sound of the knife sheath itself into the skull of the monster in a split second. I take a breath, trying to regain my balance as I wobble a bit.

Between being scared by them and then the clicker, my heart needs a full restart.

"Jesus." Ellie whispers, head whipping in my direction as my butt hits the snow, head lolling between my knees while I try to catch my breath. Joel is in front of me in a moments notice with my backpack at his side, his hand carefully reaching out to rest on my shoulder, catching my attention.

"You okay?"

"She should come with us." Ellie whispers to him and he nods, reaching up to rub at his jaw as I feel my head start to spin, nausea bubbling in my throat.

"Yeah, she should." He whispers, pressing the back of his hand to my forehead before clicking his tongue, looking to the kid. "C'mon kid. Show her the ropes."

Ellie's laugh snaps me out of my thoughts, the fond smile on my lips returning to a normal thin line and I feel eyes on me as my head turns. Ellie and Joel are looking at me, forks in the air as they share a careful look and a laugh.

"What're you thinking about?" Joel asks with a curious, calm smile, a completely different expression than what he gave off when we first met. He's no longer stern and guarded around me, instead softening a bit and he's finally allowed himself to laugh around me.

"When we met." I shrug, nudging him with my elbow as I take a loud slurp of my soup, but the mellow tone is torn to shreds by Ellie's crude laugh, her spoon slapping down on the table while she looks between the two of us.

"You mean when you guys fell madly in love?" I feel my cheeks warm at her observation, an honest one at that, and I feel the butterflies return to my stomach as I sneak a glance at Joel who's blushing as red as a fire truck.

"Shut it, Ellie." He mutters and her eyes roll, hands raising in surrender.

"Oh I'm sorry for calling out the elephant in the room."

[ashleyfilm]

Seeing Clearly - Chapter 11. Joel

Hi Everyone! This is one is a bit different. We're gonna start with Joel's POV and then switch back to our dear Ash's POV. It will be clearly labeled. Enjoy!

Chapter Warnings: cursing, smut, softDom Joel, sub Ash, name calling during sex, light degradation, spanking, unprotected PIV, oral female and male receiving, all consensual - Minors - DNI

Characters: Jackson!Joel Miller x F!OC Plus Size Reader

Chapter Summary: Joel finds you after the incident with Ryan. 4.2K

Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9 Ch 10

Chapter 11. Joel

Joel’s POV

Goddammit, how did this happen? How did he let this happen? How did he fail him again? He’s his little brother and he needs to take care of him. “Tommy, tell me who did this?” Tommy looks at Joel and sighs. Suddenly, the door opens, and Ellie enters like she’s on a sugar high. “Don’t worry, she took care of it,” Ellie says with a smile after she looks around and sees that Maria is no longer present. Joel’s mouth is a hard line, “What happened?” Ellie, just to be sure says, “Where’s Maria?” Tommy answers this time, “She’s down talking to some town leaders.” Ellie continues, “Okay, so Ash went to talk to Ryan,” Joel slams his hand down on the table and looks at Tommy, “Ryan did this?” Tommy gives him a look. Ellie, “Yeah, so she went into the cell with Ryan, and I don’t know what she said to him, but he looked so scared of her, it was awesome. By the time I got there, she had like clawed his face and then she said something else to him and he was crying, and she bit part of his ear off and spit it In! His! Face! It was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.” “And that guy Bill, he escorted him out. So, I guess that’s that.”

Before anyone could respond, Joel walks out the front door as he says, “Ellie, stay with Tommy!” He walks as quickly as he can to your apartment, immediately knocking on your door. Impatient, he knocks again, and then the door whips open and you’re there. Your hair is damp from a shower, you’re wearing the sleeveless guns and roses shirt that you found with Joel when you were first here. With jeans that hugged your thighs and ass so nice. He’s speechless, you’re so fucking beautiful. He’s thought that since the day he found you covered in blood. He wanted you from the moment you first busted his balls. It took everything in him not to breakdown the door to your room in him house and fuck you that first night you slept there. He didn’t think he deserved you, he didn’t think you’d ever want him if you knew who he truly was. But now he sees that you’re the same. You did what he would have done, in your way, and he will be grateful to you for how you defended his brother for the rest of his days.

----------------------------------

Ash's POV

“Joel?” you say quietly. He looks at your face in a way you’ve never really seen before. His eyes are at once, beautiful, lusty, warm, and loving. He grabs your face in his big hands and his lips crash into yours. God, his lips are amazing. He pushes you inside the door and kicks it closed from the inside. Pushing you against the little table in your kitchenette, he starts to kiss your neck and palms your plump ass with both his hands. “I love this shirt on you,” Joel says into your neck. “Oh yeah?” you breathe out. “Yeah, you look hot, but I want it off,” Joel says as he pulls it up at the hem. You lift your arms up and let him take it off and throw it to the side. You’re not wearing a bra. He looks entranced by your heavy breasts, then reaches both hands and lifts one to feel the weight in his hands, the other he thumbs your nipple. “Fuck,” he groans, and you smile. “Okay, yours too, fair’s fair,” you sigh and start to take his shirt off as well. And he smiles and laughs, and you see that dimple and you cup your hand on his cheek. God, he’s just the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen.

For a second you worry, what if he pushes you away after this, what is this? He seems to notice the change in your eyes, and he holds your hand against his cheek, turns his mouth into your palm and kisses you there, never breaking away from your eyes. Then he pulls you close and your breasts touch his chest, and it feels sexual but also comforting and sweet. He smells your hair and holds you for so long, rubbing his hands down your back, while your hands move to his ass and squeeze. Which makes him chuckle. But then he stills, “Thank you, for what you did for Tommy. You…okay?” You sigh and run your nails up and down his lower back lightly, “So, Ellie spilled the beans? I’m sorry, Joel, I didn’t see her follow me and I-” he cut you off. “Don’t apologize, she’s seen worse. The little psycho loved it, I think she might be obsessed with you now, if she wasn’t already.”

“I’m fine, I’ve seen worse too,” you say, and he finally pulls back just enough to look at you. “You wanna tell me about that?” he asks as he pushes your hair behind your ear. And you nuzzle into his touch, “Maybe another time when both our tits aren’t out.” You lean in a put your mouth around his nipple, biting lightly. Then his hands fly to the button on your jeans as he moans, “You’re right, let’s take advantage of this first.” The two of you are giggling now, pulling at each other’s pants until you’re both just in your underwear, your little black ones that your ass has eaten up a little, Joel in little black boxer briefs. His fucking thighs, good lord. Your hands are all over each other and you’re making out like two wild animals. The next you know the back of your legs hit your mattress. Joel breaks your kiss to look at you. He looks like he wants to devour you, and you think you want him to.

“Lay on the bed,” he commands, and you obey laying back in just your underwear. He stands at the end of the bed towering over you. He’s so big, so intimidating, covered in scars but he’s so beautiful and you feel so safe. He gets down on his knees and pulls you to the end of the bed. “You good?” he breathes. “Yeah, I’m so good,” you gasp. He nods, like you gave him the green light and now there’s no holding back. He brings his face into your clothed pussy and inhales, “God, I missed you.” He says looking directly between your legs. He takes his time pulling at the waistband of your underwear and dragging them down your legs. Instinctually, you start to close your knees but he’s quick to stop you, pushing them apart, “Gotta get a good look at her, sweetheart.” He uses his thumbs to pull your folds apart and look inside. No one has ever inspected you like this, it’s strange but it feels so sensual. “Oh, baby, you’re already so wet.” Joel says in an almost pitying way. “Need my help, pretty girl?” he asks as he looks into your eyes, and you feel his hot breath on your leaking hole. You nod, and of course he demands, “Baby, I need to hear your words. Answer me when I speak to you, you understand?” A shiver runs down your spine and even more slick starts to collect at your entrance. “Yes, I need your help, Joel,” you whine, and he says, looking back at your wet cunt, “You like that, don’t you? You like when I tell you what to do. Interesting, you’re such a pain in my ass out there, but in here, you just want to be my good girl, don’t you?” You bite your lip, and then remember your instructions, “Yes, I want to be your good girl, Joel.” “Good,” he says.

Then he takes his hot, wet, tongue and licks into your folds, groaning, “You taste so good, fuck, baby. I could lay here and just taste you for hours.” “Joel,” you gasp, and he starts to press his tongue as far inside your hole as he can, fucking you with his tongue. He then takes one of your hands and puts it to your breast to squeeze. Your other hand flies into his curls, scratching and rubbing at his scalp. His hands are holding your hips and ass from underneath you, pushing your pussy into his face while he continues working you with his tongue, his perfect nose is nudging your clit. Then he brings his mouth away, and spits down onto your opening. “Joel, fuck,” you gasp. “Mmm hmm,” he grunts and moves his mouth up to your bundle of nerves and sucks hard while he slides two thick fingers inside and almost immediately you say, “Joel, I’m gon-, I’m gonna, fuck, I’m coming!” You scream as your body winds so tight, and you fall completely apart groaning and moaning so loudly. Joel licks up everything you give him, you end up having to pull him off you then he looks up at you breathing heavy and smiling at you, “You came so fast, baby, that was incredible. I can’t believe the sounds I can get you to make, fuck. Jus’ perfect.”

You’re breathing hard while Joel rests his head on your thick thigh and rubs his hand along your belly, your hip and down your leg. You’ve still got your hand in his hair, it’s so incredibly soft. Joel starts to stand up and you sit up. He starts to take your glasses off, but you stop him saying, “No, I need to see.” Then you pull at the waist band of his underwear, “Why are these still on?” He smirks at you and starts to take them off and you lay back propped up on your elbows. He stands back to his full height, completely naked, and what a sight. His cock is at attention, thick, long, big. Not scary big, but like you know you’re gonna feel it the next day big. Your lips part and you stare, “Enjoying the view?” Joel asks with a smirk. You respond immediately, “My god Joel, no wonder you walk around like you do, all confident and bitchy.” He chuckles and then he looks serious again, “Get on your hands and knees.” You do it immediately facing the headboard of your bed.

Joel is basically growling from behind you. You look over your shoulder at him, you know you must look so fucked out. He smiles at you, while stroking his cock. You can’t pull your eyes away. “On second thought, why don’t come over here and get me nice and wet with that smart mouth of yours,” he says with a chuckle as he smacks your ass and then palms the cheek with his hand. You turn around and kneel on the bed eye level with his cock. You take your glasses off and hand them to him smiling. “Don’t need these now.” Joel groans, “Fuck, baby, you are such a good girl in here, so well-behaved. Now, open up.” Joel takes his dick in his hand and brings it to rest on your tongue and starts tapping and you love it. You didn’t think you could get any more wet, but you could feel it on your thick inner thighs. You wrap your mouth around the head to taste him and moan around him. He grabs your hair together at the nape of your neck holding you there, groaning above you. You use your tongue to lick the underside of his dick, putting wet slopy kisses over his cock. You whine as he pulls you off him, “Okay, okay, we can do more of that another time, but I need ‘ta be inside you now. Inside her,” he coos as he brings his hand between your legs and smacks your lips, and you moan.

You move to get back on your hands and knees, but he stops you with a hand on your back and says, “Changed my mind, want you ‘ta ride me, first.” He sits on the bed with his back against the headboard. His dick throbbing and still wet from your mouth. Joel smacks his thigh, “Come on up here, baby.” You crawl up to him and straddle him with your knees on the outside of his thighs. He starts maneuvering you, grabbing your ass and pulling you up so your stomach pushes up against his cock and his tummy. His mouth finds yours and he kisses you passionately, while he lifts you by your hips and lines his cock up with you, hitting your clit first and you shiver. Then he notches at your opening and starts to help you slide all the way down over his cock. “Ooo fuck.” “Damn baby.” You both moan out together at the feeling. “Fuck, she’s so tight, uhnnn perfect fuckin’ cunt.” Joel stumbles over his words. Your eyes are squeezed shut, reveling in the feeling of Joel inside you, finally. “God, I’m so full, oh, it feels so good, Daddy.” Your eyes fly open in shock at what you said and Joel stills. When you look up into his eyes, they look fully black, he notices your fear and starts thrusting up into you hard and says, “How does Daddy feel? Tell me, now.” And you respond holding onto his shoulders for leverage as you start bouncing on him, “So good, Daddy, you’re so big.”

Joel growls and watches your heavy tits bounce in front of his face. Taking one of your breasts into his wet, warm mouth. And now that you’re bouncing on his cock on your own, his hands roam all over your body and moves the hair out of your face. “Wanna see you when you come on my cock, beautiful. Think you can come like this, baby?” You nod, unable to speak, and he doesn’t press you to use words. “Yeah? Yeah, Daddy’s dick making you feel so good, so full you’re gonna come all over me, yeah? Just a slut for Daddy’s cock? Come for me, do it. Come. Now.” And you do, with a slur of moans, fucks, daddys, Joels. He fucks you through it, and you bury your face in his neck. And he pets your hair and holds you close. “So good baby, you did so good for me. But we’re not done, are we?” You shake your head into his shoulder. He lays you back on the bed with your head on the pillow and walks into the kitchen, you barely hear him doing something in there, trying to bring yourself back down to earth.

Next thing you know, Joel is sitting down next to you on the bed pulling you up gently by the arm to sit you up and holds out a glass of water for you. Meanwhile his raging hard on catches your eye. After he helps you gulp down a few sips of water, he sets the glass on your nightstand next to the black wolf. You see him smile shyly when he turns back to you. He notices some water falling down your chin, and his smile widens, he reaches up and wipes the water away and licks his thumb and gives you a sweet kiss as you reach out to touch his length. He groans into your mouth and says, “Oh, you want more already, honey? You sigh, “I want to take care of you, Joel.” He smiles while he says, “Don’t you mean, Daddy?” You giggle, “Shut up…Daddy!” Then you’re both laughing, and he lies you back down. “I do really like it, you callin’ me that. You can do it any time you like, ya hear me?” He says leaning over you. “Yeah, I could tell you liked it,” you say reaching up to rub your fingers through his hair. “You could? Well, you’re the one who said it, Oooh Daddy,” he says imitating you in the throes of passion.

You slap his chest lightly and turn on your side like you’re angry, but he can’t see the little smile on your face. “Baby…” he rubs your arm and kisses your shoulder, “I didn’t mean it, you know how much I fuckin’ love all the things you say and the sounds you make, you drive me fucking crazy with that.” Your shoulders start to shake as you laugh, he pulls you to your back and sees that you’re laughing. “You little brat, you scared me. I thought you were mad, ughhhh. Come here.” He pulls you over his lap with your head down and your ass up. “You know what happens to little brats?” He says tracing his fingers over your plump ass. “What happens, Daddy?” you coo over your shoulder at him. That’s when he smacks your ass hard with his big hand. “Brats get punished, baby,” he says and smacks you again and again. “Oooh, Daddy, fuck,” you moaned. “God, I knew you’d like this, such a bad girl.”

After a few more sharp smacks, Joel teases you with his fingers from behind and it feels like heaven. “Oh my god, Joel,” you gasp as he runs his fingers lightly up your back with his other hand. “Feel good? Tell me. Tell me how it feels,” he says low and rumbly. “It feels different and messy and so, so good. Need more,” you choke out in between whines and groans. “Oh, you need more? Okay, baby. I’ll give you more,” Joel says in this pitying way you just melt for. Joel then moves you back to lay your head on the pillow and he climbs on top of you, making you feel overwhelmed with him, his fucking scent which is magnified by the way your bodies are working together. It’s intoxicating and you feel like you’re in a fever dream. “Give me this leg baby,” he groans as he notches his dick at your center and pushes your leg behind your knee against your chest, folding you. He pushes in so slowly and you feel everything. Every inch, every vein, everything. You’re both moaning and moving your hips to meet each other. You didn’t know anything could ever feel like this. Feel this good and right and perfect. His right hand comes up to cup your cheek and make you look into his eyes. He’s close enough that you can see him and see the warmth and depth in his eyes. It’s like his eyes are trying to communicate with you, tell you he’s here, that he’s not leaving. You want to believe it so badly. But he’s hurt you before. With a hard and deep thrust the worries are taken from your mind and you turn yourself over to him, surrendering completely. Letting him inside, taking the risk. He kisses you then. And now all the words are gone, it’s just your moans, his grunts, his whimpers. You know this is something different, something special not just for you, but for him as well. He takes two fingers and puts them in your mouth, wetting them on your tongue and then his hand moves between your bodies, finding your clit with ease. Rubbing them easily into you, mixing your spit with your slick and you know you’re going to come apart again. He finally speaks but his voice is quiet and soft, “I know, I know, it’s okay, let go.” And you do, completely blind with pleasure. Your muscles contract and everything feels so good you don’t ever want it to stop. Joel continues the movements of his hips and his fingers. When it feels like you can’t go any higher, you’re hit with another wave of pleasure even stronger than the last, screaming Joel’s name into his neck. Joel is quickly coming apart and he asks, “Where? Tell me, where?” You can barely think but you respond, “Inside. Please.” And he releases, rope after warm rope of himself into you like a splash, and you think you might come again from the feeling.

You both breathe and try to come back down to reality. You don’t know how long it takes but he slips out of you, and you feel him dripping from your center. He takes the time to look at what he’s done, he looks mesmerized. He looks back at you, a tear coming out of your eye down the side of your face onto the pillow, he wipes it away and then grabs the glass of water to hand to you. He walks into your bathroom, and you hear the water running, he comes back with a warm washcloth and cleans you up and then himself. Setting the cloth back in the bathroom he comes back to join you. Taking the water and finishing it himself. “Can I hold you?” he asks quietly. You nod and he pulls you into his arms, your face in his neck, legs tangling together, he kisses your forehead as he tells you to rest, and you do.

-------------------------

You wake up what feels like a couple of hours later, cold, alone. Of course he left. Did it even really happen, or had it been some dream to torture you? Suddenly you hear your door opening quietly, you sit up in bed, tears in your eyes and the sheets pulled up to cover your chest. Joel walks in, you can tell by his outline, and you reach for your glasses. He sees you and speaks, “Oh, you’re up. I thought I’d be back before you woke up. Had ‘ta go see Ellie, make sure she was okay. Hey, what’s wrong?” He walks over to you quickly cradling your face in his hands and wiping away your tears. You speak looking away from him, “I thought you left me. I didn’t think you were coming back.” He sighs, that classic Joel sigh but it’s not harsh or exhausted, this one is laced with guilt. “I’m so sorry. Look, I need to say something to you right now,” he sighs again and moves to hold your hands, waiting for you to look him in the eyes. “I know I’ve hurt you; I’ve disappointed you; I’ve pushed you away. I’ve acted like an asshole, well, I am an asshole. But I’ve lost so much, not more than others, but I lost my daughter the night of the outbreak, I hesitated, and I couldn’t save her. I’ve never forgiven myself and it… it tore me apart.” Tears start to form in his big brown eyes, and you hold his hand a little tighter. “It was just her and I, Sarah, she was perfect. And I didn’t think I could live without her. I tried to end it, but I couldn’t. The man I became after that, I was so dead inside, but so angry at the same time. I enjoyed hurting people; I liked causing pain to people I thought deserved it. Then I met Ellie, and she changed me, reminded me of Sarah, gave me a reason to try again. I love that girl and some of the worst things I’ve ever done, I did to save her.” Joel takes a deep breath, forcing himself to keep looking at you. Then, I meet you, and you made me want things I haven’t really wanted since before Sarah was born. But I didn’t think you would want me if you knew who I was. But I’m starting to think I was wrong, that you understand, and you do see me. And I hope you still want me. Because you’re all I want.” Your breath catches in your throat, and he grabs your hands tighter and pulls you closer. “I think about you every minute. I dream about you every night. I want to hold you, protect you, feed you, fuck you, listen to you talk, and show everyone in this town that you belong to me. If that’s what you want. If you can forgive me.”

You slowly start to smile, small just barely but he catches it, and now both of you have a tear streak down your cheek. “Joel, I forgive you. You make me feel safe. Sometimes you even make me forget all the bad shit that’s happened to me. I see how you are with Ellie and Tommy, and me, I guess I know that now. I want to be with you. All of you, every part. I wish I could have met Sarah. I can’t even imagine how much she loved you, Joel but I can feel it.” He kisses you then, slowly, tenderly. He takes a deep breath, and says, “I wish you could have known her; she would have loved you. Ash, baby, I lo-.”

There’s a loud knock at the door and then Ellie’s voice, “JOEL!! ASH!! Open up!” Joel runs to the door as you start to pull your clothes back on. He opens and Ellie’s breathing heavy like she just ran here, “Knew you’d be here.” She wags her eyebrows at both of you. Joel frowns and grunts out, “Ellie, what’s so damn important?” Ellie’s eyes go wide like she just remembered why she came here in the first place, “Oh yeah, uh, Maria’s in labor.” Joel looks at you with eyes of panic, your mouth opens in shock. After a few seconds you collect yourself and pull on your boot finally fully dressed, “Let’s go, Uncle Joel!” He smiles, giddy, so does Ellie. Joel grabs your hand in his and then the three of you run out of your place to go find Maria and Tommy.

Taglist: @somedayheaven@guelyury@elegantduckturtle@indiegirlunited@cheekychaos28 @ghostofzion @harriedandharassed @missladym1981 @littlemisspascal @brittmb115

[cowgurrrl]

Ok I have fluff angst idea…Charlie is pregnant and freaking out about telling Joel because she is kinda young. And Joel is mad, scared, excited , crying and also grandpa Joel?!

Hello why did this make me tear up

April, Come She Will

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Author’s note: it’s canon to me that reader and Joel live to be 100 and nothing bad ever happens to them ever again

Summary: The next generation of Millers find their way [3.6k]

Warnings: teen pregnancy (what’s new for this series lmao), arguing, language, call backs

Charlie's been acting weird for the past few weeks. She's been coming in and out of the house at strange times, not showing up for patrol, and giving you vague answers about where she's been. She's nineteen now, so she doesn't necessarily need you and Joel breathing down her neck all the time, but you still like to know where your kid is. She tells you she's been with Ellie or her boyfriend, Eric, which is fine. You like Eric. You just wish she would spend a little more time at home. 

Charlie and Eric met on patrol. No matter how much you tried to dissuade her from joining the patrol team, she wouldn't listen. She had watched you guys go out and defend Jackson as she grew up and even talked to Ellie about her adventures outside the walls. She knew how to ride a horse, and Joel taught her how to handle a gun. The intention was never to "train" her for patrol but to be prepared in a worst-case situation where she needed to protect herself but the second she was old enough, she signed up. She got paired with Eric, a sweet boy her age she went to school with, for her first patrol, and that was it. They've been together ever since. 

Joel was hesitant when they started dating, but you reminded him she was an adult and could make her own decisions. Eric was somehow more hesitant when Charlie invited him over for a family dinner. Eric grew up hearing stories about your family, and his dad occasionally worked patrol with Joel, but knowing him by proxy is much different than sitting across from him at the dinner table. Joel promised to be on his best behavior, but poor Eric was terrified any time Joel asked him a question. Since then, they've gotten a little closer, but they are by no means buddies. You're a little nicer.

All this runs through your head when Eric trails behind Charlie into the house. It's a Saturday, and you and Joel are off patrol, sitting next to each other on the couch. You were supposed to go see Ellie and Dina, but they rescheduled for next weekend without much explanation as to why. JJ might've gotten in trouble. At seventeen, he has more of Ellie's wild personality than anything else. It's a little fun to watch her try to handle a younger version of herself. 

"Hey, can we talk?" Charlie asks, a slight tremble in her voice. You look up from your book, and Joel leans forward to drop his wood carving knife on the coffee table. She and Eric sit across from you, her leg bouncing anxiously when she does, and you glance between them. You're a little confused as to why Eric has to be here for this, but she's clinging to his hand so hard you almost worry she's gonna break it. Worry claws at the back of your throat, but you swallow it down. Whatever it is, you can handle it.

"Sure, bug," you say. "What's up?" 

"Um, so there's something I've been meaning to tell you, but I wanted to get some things squared away before I did because I didn't want you guys to freak out or anything. I understand this is a really big deal, but it's under control, and we have a plan." She explains rapidly, and Joel chuckles as he removes his glasses to rub at his eye.

"You ain't pregnant, are you?" He asks, and Charlie is silent. That's when you feel your heart drop to the pit of your stomach. Your mouth goes dry, and you sit up, staring at her like you're waiting for her to say she's joking. "Charlotte," Joel says, his tone even and scarily calm. "You're not. Right?"

"I'm sorry, Daddy," she says, tears shining in her eyes. "But we… we have a plan. We're gonna get set up in a house, and Ellie's gonna lend us some of JJ's old things, and we're gonna pick up some more shifts before the baby comes. It's all gonna be okay."

You can't help but feel like you set her up for failure, not only with your own teen pregnancy but with your inability to keep her safe. In the old days, you might've been able to put her on birth control or give her condoms when she started dating, but those things aren't on the top of the list for what little FEDRA manufacturing is left. The best "safe sex" talk you could have with her is letting her know her options if she did get pregnant or sick. You hated it, but there wasn't much else you could do. And now look where you are. 

"Mom, can you please say something?" Charlie begs as Eric rubs her back. You thought you'd be prepared for something like this with your and Joel's (and Ellie's) family life starting earlier than most. Instead, you find yourself, possibly for the first time ever, sympathizing with your mother. You pull yourself together enough to open your mouth. 

"You wanna have this baby?" You ask, and she nods. 

"We already decided. We're not gonna get married or anything yet, but yeah, we want this baby," she says. Eric doesn't say anything. You figure that's probably smart. It's only a matter of time before Joel freaks the fuck out about the fact that he got your baby girl pregnant. "That's why I went to Ellie's the other day. I was talking to her, Aunt Dina, and Uncle Jesse about when they had Jay." She says. You try not to be offended that she told Ellie before she told you. You told lots of people before you told your mom you were pregnant. Still, you thought you and Charlie were closer than you and your mom were. 

You look at Joel, the same panic and anger taking over his features, and take a deep breath. He grinds his teeth as he thinks, and you have to stop yourself from scolding him. When you look back at Charlie, her face is splotchy, and her brown eyes sparkle in the mid-afternoon light. She looks so grown up but so little at the same time. Your eyes slide from hers to Eric's wide ones.

"I'm assuming you know the stories about Jane and her dad?" You ask.

"Yes, ma'am." He croaks, and you nod.

"And I'm assuming you know how Joel and I got to Jackson in the first place?" 

"Mom," Charlie starts, but you catch Joel shaking his head at her in your peripheral vision. Eric swallows thickly and nods.

"Yes, ma'am." 

"Good," you say. "If I ever hear anything about you not being there for Charlie or that baby, or if you even think about leaving them, I'll fucking kill you." You haven't had to speak this way in years, and it, obviously, rattles both Charlie and Eric. Good. You hope it does rattle him. 

"Mom!" Charlie scolds, looking to Joel for help, but it's clear that he has your back with this one. You'll be damned if she ends up a single parent like you two were. She scoffs and stands, pulling Eric up with her. "You don't have to listen to this, Eric."

"Yes, he does." You say.

"Baby, what did you think we were gonna say?" Joel asks. 

"That you'd support my decision or, at least, find a way to!" 

"Of course, we support you. I just..." Joel trails off. "I just don't think you know what this means. How much this is gonna change your life. And I know you love each other, but havin' a baby ain't an easy thing."

"That's why we're doing it together," she says, her eyes moving from Joel's to yours. "That's why it's fucking crazy to talk to him like that. And unfair. You didn't act this way when Ellie had JJ." 

"That's because we didn't need to have this same talk with them. Jesse and Dina had already decided to co-parent Jay. There was no way Dina was gonna be a single mom," you say. "But there were three of them, and it was still hard. You were just a baby when he was born, so you don't remember, but it was a lot."

"So, you don't think I can be a mom?" She asks, and you stand with your hands up in defeat.

"I didn't say that. I just want you to be prepared. I remember what it was like, and I-"

"Just because you were miserable when you had Jane doesn't mean everyone is." It's mean and calculated and hits you right where it hurts. It doesn't matter if it's the hormones or not. The sting of her words renders you silent. 

"Don't you speak to your mother that way!" Joel yells. He never yells anymore, especially at Charlie. The scary boom in his voice fills the room, but you catch the glint of tears in his eyes as his breathing stutters. "This ain't just playin' house, Charlie. So, if your mama is a little worried, she's allowed to be. Shit, we're all allowed to lose our fuckin' minds for a minute, but that isn't an excuse to talk bout your family like that." He says, and she taps her shoe on the ground twice, a nervous tick she picked up from Joel.

"I'm sorry, Mom, but I can't just sit here and listen to you threaten Eric like that," she says. You nod but don't apologize. You can't find anything to say. Charlie stares at you like she's waiting for you to lash out or yell at her, but you can't. She wipes a stray tear away furiously and turns away. "I need some air," she mumbles, dragging Eric out of the house before you can even protest. The door slams behind her, and the floorboards she took her first steps on shake with the force. Joel reaches for your hand and pulls you into him. He murmurs soft assurances into your hair, his voice cracking and tears spilling from his eyes as he does, and all you can do is let him hold you. 

What the fuck else are you supposed to do?

You wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of the bathroom door in the hall slamming open. You and Joel jolt upright in bed at the sudden sound (old habits die hard, right?), and you sigh as you rub your eyes. You check the alarm clock next to your bed for the time and see it's close to three. The dark mountain town is still asleep outside your window, and you grab a soft flannel from the floor to pull over your shoulders. 

You don't remember falling asleep. You were up, waiting for Charlie to come home so you could talk further, but when the front door opened and closed, and she basically sprinted to her room, you couldn't find the energy for another fight. But when you laid down, you couldn't sleep either, your conversation from earlier playing on a loop in your mind. You and Joel just sat there in silence, staring up at the ceiling until your eyelids got too heavy, and you fell into a dreamless sleep. You couldn't have been asleep for over an hour or two when the bathroom door swung open. Joel looks at you, confused when you stand.

"What are you doin'?" He asks, and you wave him off.

"I know why she's up. Just go back to bed." You say without much explanation before padding down the hallway and into the bathroom.

Your footsteps are loud enough on the tile for her to hear you, so she doesn't flinch when you suddenly pull her hair away from her face and hold it out of the way. She glances at you and softens a little before retching into the toilet again. She does that for another minute or two before her stomach is finally empty, and you can safely let go of her hair. She sighs and leans against the wall as you flush the toilet and hand her a towel. You settle across from her, your back pressed against the sink, and rub her leg as she wipes her face. 

"Thanks," she mumbles as she tips her head back against the wall. She looks tired and weak. All you want to do is scoop her up in your arms like she's three years old again. "I feel like shit."

"I'm sorry. That's my genetics. I was super sick with you and Jane." Her name rolls off your tongue so fast you almost forget the last time it was invoked. The air stiffens between you, and she shifts uncomfortably. 

"How long were you sick for?" She asks softly. You sigh as you track your memory back and try to remember the exact details.  

"About six months," you admit, and she groans. You laugh a little at her reaction, but only because you know how frustrating it is. If you could take it from her, you would. When you settle, she stares at you guiltily and starts picking at the nail bed around her thumb like she can't stand the silence. "Where did you guys go?" you ask to put her out of her misery.

"I just… needed to get out of the house. We walked around town for a while before going to his parent's house," she says. "They still don't know. We wanted to tell y'all first." You nod, unable to give words to your gratitude just yet, and she swallows thickly.  

"You could've stayed," you whisper. "I wanted you to stay."

"I know," she says. "I'm sorry. For everything." She looks like she could start crying again, so you take a deep breath, scoot over to her, wrap her in your arms, and kiss her temple. You feel her relax into you, and a weight is lifted off your shoulders.

"You know your dad and I worry about you. It's not about you not being capable or not smart enough because you are plenty capable and smart. But we also know that it doesn't matter how prepared you think you are. There's nothing that can prepare you for being a parent, and that's not me trying to scare you. It's just how it is." You explain, and she nods into your neck. 

"That's what Ellie said, too." She says. 

"Smart kid." 

"I feel like I fucked up," she pivots dramatically, but you hold on tightly and wait for her to continue. I'm right here with you, baby girl, you think. "I want to be happy because Eric seems happy, and you're supposed to be happy when you find out you're pregnant, but I'm so fucking scared." She sounds like she's on the brink of tears again, and you shush her. She sighs heavily and wipes at her face as she leans back enough to see you. "Were you scared when you found out you were pregnant?"

"Both times, I was fucking terrified. With you, it came later, though. Even though your dad and I talked about having another kid and how amazing you'd end up being, I remember going into labor and shaking cause of how scared I was." You say, and she nods. 

"How did you... know you were supposed to be a mom? She asks. It's a loaded question. How does anyone ever know they're "supposed" to be a parent? You certainly didn't think you were meant for anything that important at sixteen, but you do remember why you made the decision you did. 

"I, um…" you trail off, laughing. "I started having these dreams after I found out I was pregnant."

"Dreams?" 

"It was pretty much the same thing over and over again for a few months. I would be going through my regular routine, but this… baby was following me around. I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl, but I knew it was my baby. And it came with me to school, the grocery store, work, everything, and as time passed in my dream, the bigger the baby got. They'd get more personality or start laughing, or their eyes would change colors, and I'd be so in love with them," You know you sound crazy, but that's because it was crazy. "The first few times, I woke up crying because the baby from my dreams wasn't there. I thought there was nothing worse than waking up in the morning and not having my kid there," you say. The weight of your words catches up with you, and you have to bite your bottom lip to keep from crying. "And I was right." You shake your head and take a deep breath, hyper-aware of her eyes on you.

"I had the same dreams when I got pregnant with you, except they were a little different. In all of them, you were always with Ellie and Dad— every single time. I thought you were gonna grow up and not like me as much or whatever other reason my hormones gave me for the change, but, towards the end, you started showing up alone. You were just this little light. I can't describe it exactly, but everything I did in the dream was a little more magical because you were there. Things were shiny or glittery, and you would just giggle and giggle and giggle," you say, smiling at the memory. You grab her hand and squeeze hard, looking directly into her eyes and fighting more tears. "You turned my world technicolor even before you were born, and I knew I would always do everything I could to protect you. That's why I was so hard on Eric. I know he's a good kid and nothing like Jane's dad was, but I don't want you to end up like me, kid." Charlie squeezes your hand, somehow harder than you squeeze her, and a familiar crease appears between her eyebrows.

"Mommy, if I'm half the woman you are, I'd be so fucking happy. Are you kidding me?" She says. 

"Charlotte-" 

"I'm serious," she cuts you off, Joel's commanding yet gentle tone seeping into her voice. "Mom, you made my lunch until I was in high school, and even when I asked you to stop, you still had one ready to go just in case I needed it. You used to take JJ and me to the park so Ellie and Aunt Dina could get some sleep, even though everyone knew that meant you didn't get any. You convinced Dad to talk to Eric because you knew I loved him and wanted him to like him..." She slows down a little bit, scanning your face before she continues. "You kept a kid alive during the Outbreak despite everything. You still buy her flowers on her birthday. You tell me about her. You let me know her," you take a shaky breath, and you can't stop the tears anymore. "You're a good mom, and I'm so lucky to have you, and I'm sorry for what I said and for getting pregnant and-" 

This time, you stop her by hugging her tight and letting yourself cry. She gets emotional, too, and a very unlucky Joel finds the two of you crying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night. Like everything, he takes it in stride and joins you two on the floor until the sun breaches over the mountains and a new day shines down. 

It's hard to say things got easier after that day. Eric's parents didn't react very positively at first, and it took them most of her pregnancy to come around. Charlie goes through weeks of sickness and bed rest. They argue a lot about the future and what it should look like, but they get there in the end. The next year, the house is filled with a familiar chatter and chaos. Charlie and Eric's twins (which explains why she felt so bad), Elliot "Ellie" Beth, and April Theresa Miller-Donovan, squeal as Joel takes turns dancing with them in the living room.

Elliot is, obviously, named in honor of your Ellie, but she bears Sarah's middle name. April threw you for a loop. The twins were born in snowy January, confusing you as to why they would name her that and not January, but Charlie smiled as she handed April to you. "Jane's birthday is April 7th. I didn't want to steal your name, but I remember you taking me to the meadow to pick flowers for her. April 7th was always my favorite day." She explained, making you choke up. When she told you April's middle name, you and Joel completely lost it. Theresa, for your Tess, the woman who believed so much in Ellie, she forced you to believe in her, too. The woman who saved your life in more ways than one. The woman who would've absolutely adored Charlie if she ever met her. 

You love being grandparents again— admittedly, a little older than you were the first time around. Joel teaches the girls Spanish words and lets them pull on his beard. You make extra food so your baby has something to eat after the long days and nights of keeping them alive, and you play silly games with them. They don't look like you or Joel or even Charlie or Eric. They look like their own little people. People who will never know the loss, destruction, and nights spent staring hopelessly at walls you went through. People who will grow up safe and loved and cared for. People who carry names they won't be able to put a face to. 

That's okay. They don't need to know about the people you were before you were their grandparents, and maybe it's time for you to try to let that time go. Maybe, in your and Joel's old age, with the deep wrinkles and graying hair, you can just be. Maybe you can just dance in the living room and make warm blankets and fall asleep holding hands. Maybe everything does turn out okay.

[elliespassagerprincess]

I’m not sure if you do horror but can you do a horror one like scream themed or any horror movie

Scream for me - part 1 (ellie williams x reader)

This will be a three part series, part two will be released soon!

Pairing: ellie williams x fem!reader

Requests are always open feel free to leave one!

Warnings: murder, stalking, mentions of violence, body mutilation

Summary: Not killing the pretty girl was the best mistake she ever made

(if you want me to add you to a tag list just leave a comment and I'll add you)

Fuck

Why was she standing still? Why wasn’t she moving? Why was she hesitating?

Everyone in Jackson was terrified. The brutal murders happening around town might be the reason for that.

The first victim a beautiful blonde girl; Jamie Smith was found on a cold Saturday morning. Head decapitated, with over 20 stab wounds. No one knew why someone would kill such an innocent girl. After the first murder a second victim appeared: Jacob Hill. His genitalia mutilated, his tongue missing and once again over 20 stab wounds. And soon another victim then another and another. And soon the death count went from 2 to over 15 people. No one was safe. Whoever this murderer was, was thirsty for blood. And she’d kill anyone to quenched that thirst.

But here she stood over you sleeping body.

Why wasn’t she attacking you? In all honesty she doesn’t know. She doesn’t fucking know who you were. But that’s the thing she never knew her victims. It makes killing easier.

 But why couldn’t she hurt you?

She ruthless, borderline satanic. But yet as she looked at you while you slept she felt her dark thoughts go silent.  You were pretty. The face of an angel. The face of pure innocence. She couldn’t harm such a pretty thing like you.

So the famous Ghostface (that’s what everyone calls this murderer) went home. And she questioned herself.

Why didn’t she fucking kill you?

She removed her mask, the autumn brown hair falling out of the loose bun she placed it in.

“stupid fucking hair” Ellie muttered out of frustration. Her hair was so fucking short she couldn’t even tie a proper ponytail. She quickly removed the gloves, and placed her favorite knife back in it’s case. She swiftly removed the all black outfit she wore, and she was left in red boxers and a black sports bra. Ellie laid down on her bed, and she let out a sigh.

She didn’t kill anyone tonight. That was weird. She always kills people when she goes out. Her not killing you ruined her current killing streak.

“Fuck” she muttered and closed her eyes trying to fall asleep. The more she tried the less the felt sleepy. Her thoughts consumed her. With her past victims, Joel, the police and you.

 Who were you?

Ellie had to know. Even if it fucking kills her.

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

Ellie waited. She waited for the alarm to sound.

Since the killings, Jackson has had a curfew. Everyone should be in the house before night fall, doors locked. Everyone was terrified. No one could figure out who Ghostface was. A question many asked because they hated living in fear. But Ellie liked it. She liked having people scared of her. She liked knowing the reason people were forced to stay inside was because of her. She got a sick kick out of it.

The alarm sounded and she waited for one hour, because the police patrol that one hour hoping to catch her. No one can. No one will.

At exactly 11:00pm Ellie went out. Not to kill. But to find out who that pretty girl was. She knew she couldn’t kill you. The way her body reacted at the sight of you made it impossible. But she needed to know who you were.

It didn’t take long for Ellie to find your house again. Your curtains closed and windows locked. 

“Fuck” she muttered under her breathe when she couldn’t get in “fuck you pretty girl” she cursed. Ellie ran to the other side of the house and she thanked the gods that there was a window open.

She squeezed through the small window, “shit” she cursed out loudly when she felt her foot land in cold water. She landed in the toilet cringing at how it made her socks feel. She quickly got out not caring if she made your floor wet and she went back to the bedroom.

When she entered she was hit with a strong vanilla smell she thought she could faint at how strong the smell is. “jesus fucking christ” she cursed. And she stood there, trying to get used to the smell.

And that’s when she saw once again you lay there sleeping. Blissfully unaware that Ghostface was standing above you for the second time. You looked peaceful, it looked like you didn’t have a worry in the world but your messy room said otherwise. Clothes everywhere, books scattered across the floor.

“She’s probably in college” Ellie thought when she saw all the texts books.

 pretty and smart. Her favorite.

Her eyes landed on a wall filled with polaroid’s. Her mouth fell agape when she saw you. Awake. You were even prettier than she imagined. She was mesmerized by you. Her thoughts were quickly disturbed when she saw a picture of you and a girl. Ellie frowned.

Who was she?  Why were you with her? Why do you look so happy? She was going to fucking kill-

‘Woah Ellie calm down’ she thought to herself. She didn’t even know your fucking name.

She quickly grabbed the polaroid of you smiling. You wore a blue and white sundress, you looked beautiful. She smiled down at the picture, stuffing it into her pocket.

She made a quick mental note of that girl she saw in the picture with you. Ellie was going to find her. She was going to know who the fuck that girl was.

 She stayed in your room. The entire night. She watched you sleep, she cleaned up a little and she left with the polaroid.

In the days to come Ellie has gone insane. Every time she went out to kill some, she took that polaroid with her. That fucking picture of the pretty girl who’s name she doesn’t know. Every time she stabbed someone, every time the blade pierced someone’s skin she imagined you whispering;

“do it again” “kill them”

She doesn’t even know what you sound like, but fuck the way she imagines it has her dripping. She hoped to hear your voice one day.

She kissed that picture every time she went out, she slept with it under her pillow. She had it in her pocket 24/7.

And in the passing nights, she went back to your house every time. She watched you sleep, she cleaned up a little, she got mad at that picture of you and that girl who she still hasn’t found. You’ve consumed her life and she doesn’t even fucking know your name.

Tonight was like no other for Ellie, she murdered an old man. She did her classic 20 stab wound method then she set him on fire. It was something new. Something entertaining. This will definitely get a kick out of the community she thought. She went home and showered trying to clean off all the blood so that she doesn’t get your room messy. She kissed the polaroid, put it into her pocket and she left.

She left to you. Once again she hopped through the bathroom window. And she ran straight to your room, as she cleaned she accidently knocked the lamp off your bedside table. And she heard a whimper from behind her.

‘Fuck” she breathed. She slowly turned around to see you sitting, knees to your chin, fear in your eyes. This was the first time Ellie is seeing you awake, and she wanted to do nothing more but to grab you and kiss you.

“Who are you?” the pretty girl whispered

What the fuck was Ellie going to do?

part 2

Authors note: sorry for just disappearing, I was in a really bad space mentally, but I’m back now! I hope you enjoyed, and trust me this story is going to get darker in the next part. Remember to always be kind! Requests are always open, feel free to leave one! And if you wanna be in the tag list just leave a comment !

Yours truly,

Zia <3

[itslikeaspaceship]

She’s not used to this kind of affection really. It’s odd, scary kind of, the way he’s so gentle with her. Maybe it’s because after the hospital she was convinced it was a one-time thing, that he’d only done it because she was to fragile for him to treat her any other way, but the longer they lived in Jackson the more she realized that Joel was just like this.

For such a large man, he was so insanely attentive.

At times it was even intimidating.

She remembers the first time he’d ever wiped food off her face. He had sighed beforehand, staring at her as she rambled on and on to Tommy about whatever dinosaur she was currently fixated on. She could see him out of the corner of her eye, and every second that passed with him staring at her, the more she’d talk. This wasn’t the first time adults had gotten mad at her for being excited, but Ellie wasn’t gonna back down just because he wanted some quiet.

Eventually the sighing stopped and he instead reached out his hand toward her face. That’s when she flinched.

Joel was a tough guy, sure, but she’d never gotten the impression he’d hit her. Apparently she was wrong.

She pulled back, taking a deep breath to prepare for the sting, but nothing happened. Peeking open an eye she saw that his thumb was resting against her chin, and he was simply just frozen in place. Even Tommy had stopped eating.

“You had some soup on your face kiddo.” He said, clearing his throat.

“Oh.” She leaned back into his hand then, allowing him to swipe his thumb along the juice on her face.

The rest of dinner was quieter, and she knew they were watching her, silently talking back and forth with their eyes.

It wasn’t like it was that big of deal, FEDRA agents did it all the time, it’d just been so long that he’d taken her by surprise.

Joel however didn’t see it that way.

When they’d gotten home, he’d ushered her inside, sitting her on the couch and demanding her to stay there. “I’ll be right back, don’t move.”

She listened for about five minutes until curiosity got the better of her and she ended up peeking through the curtains. She watched as he paced back and forth, jaw clenched while he muttered to himself.

She couldn’t understand why he was so angry about this. It wasn’t like she actually thought he was gonna hit her, it was mostly just muscle memory, and besides, it was a normal adult thing to do. Right?

When a kid messes up, that kid gets punished. She was talking to much when he might’ve wanted her to stop, so he was punishing her. Except obviously he wasn’t and maybe he was mad because she was convinced he was.

She bit her lip at the thought. Why wouldn’t her brain just fucking shut up for once?

“Ellie.” The door creaked and she jumped from her spot at the window, throwing herself back down on the couch.

Joel’s footsteps were heavy as he made his way to her, but his face wasn’t as harsh as before. She couldn’t decide if that comforted or scared her.

“Look Joel-”

“No ma’am.” He said, one finger flying out from his clenched fist. “It’s my turn to talk.”

Her breath was caught in her throat at that. Maybe she was wrong, maybe he was angry at her.

He was quiet for a moment, mouth opening and closing until eventually he began to speak. “When we were at dinner tonight, and I went to get that food off your face, why in gods name did you flinch?” Maybe he could see the fear in her then, and so he made sure to clarify. “I’m not mad, I promise, I just wanna know. I need to know.”

Even then she wouldn’t look at him, eyes glued to whatever surface looked the most interesting at the time. “It’s not even that big of a deal Joel. I knew you weren’t gonna hit me.”

From the corner of her eye, she saw his own widen for a split second. “Ellie.”

She groaned, tossing her head back. “Seriously Joel can you just let it go. I get it, I had food on my face and you were wiping it off. Now I wanna go to bed.”

She tried to jump up from the couch, feet carrying her as fast as she begged them to go, but Joel was faster.

“Ellie we are not done here.” He grabbed her wrist, making her jerk around.

“I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about this. It’s not your fucking problem.”

“The hell it isn’t. Ellie you thought I was gonna hit you, your insane if you think that’s not something we address.”

And maybe it was the confusion about this whole situation, but something in her snapped. “Why the fuck do you care?! You said it yourself, you’re not my dad, and I’m not your fucking kid so stop acting like this is something it’s not.”

She saw hurt flash in his eyes then and it made her feel physical pain knowing she was the one who caused that, but for some reason her mouth just wouldn’t stop.

“I know your pissed okay, but just let it go. It’s none of your business and-” Suddenly his arms were reaching out, and though she tried to fight it, he was wrapping them around her, pulling her as close to him as possible.

She didn’t react at first, body tense and arms straight at her side, but then Joel did something he’d never done before. He kissed her head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered against her hair, his lips falling against her temple once more.

For some reason every bit of fight left her body then, and she completely crumbled against his chest, arms looping around him and squeezing him as tight as she could.

“I’m so sorry kid.” She didn’t mean to cry, but a few tears escaped anyway, and she just wiped her face on his shirt, relishing in the utter warmth it brought.

“I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like you were anything less then my kid.” He rubbed her back as he spoke, voice so gentle she swore it wasn’t really him talking. “And I would never ever hit you. No matter what you do, how bad it is, we keep our hands to ourselves. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” She whispered.

After that day, he saw the incident as cause to treat her like actual glass. His hands were so light everytime he touched her, cradling her against him like she was this precious thing. It was so confusing.

It would be different if she didn’t care, it wouldn’t bother her so much, but it hurt worse when she started craving it, and it became almost a problem when her body felt as if it was failing just because he didn’t kiss her head bye.

There was one day where he was leaving for an early patrol, and of course, he was late. And instead of the regular forehead kiss and Joel hug, he just yelled out his goodbye and ran out the door, promising he’d be back before dinner.

She hated that day. Every hour that passed all she could think about was how she wanted Joel. She didn’t eat lunch and barely touched her dinner.

Joel stared at her the whole time, trying to gently encourage to take a few bites, but it was like a switch flipped. Sure Joel was here but she hadn’t felt him, so why would she want to do anything at all?

“Ellie?” He gently toed her with his boot, eyes all soft and easy. “You gotta eat something baby.”

She just shrugged her shoulders, pushing some more food around with her fork. “I’m not hungry.”

“Not even for cheesy potatoes?” He said lightheartedly, putting his fork on her plate. And despite her mood, she couldn’t help but smile.

Cheesy potatoes were in fact her favorite, but the catch was, she never put them on her own plate. Instead, she let Joel get them in bulk and then she’d steal whatever she wanted from the pile, knowing he’d finish the rest. He always teased her about it, telling her to get her own food, but she saw the smile and the little shakes of his head that came with it, indicating he was in fact amused.

But tonight she hadn’t even looked at him or touched his plate for that matter, she opted instead to stare at her own food and dwell on why she felt so weird. It was a feeling she assumed that not even cheesy potatoes could fix.

“No.” She sighed, putting down her fork altogether.

Joel looked absolutely flabbergasted at that. “You’re not eating cheesy potatoes? The world must be ending. You feelin okay?”

She shrugged for probably the millionth time today. “Yup, just not hungry.”

He gave her a hesitant look, stopping his movements as well. “Hey, you sure?”

Fuck, why did he have to be so nice about it? So fucking gentle?

“Mmhm.” She mumbled, running her sleeve across her face to catch those stupid tears she hadn’t even meant to cry.

“Ellie.”

“No it’s good, I’m good.” She gave him what was probably the least assuring smile ever, and picked her fork back up to push some more food across her plate.

Joel didn’t like that, and so he stopped eating altogether. “Why don’t we just go home?”

She knew it wasn’t a question, and yet she still argued. “No it’s fine Joel, just finish your food, you’re hungry.”

“Mm, not really.”

“Jo-”

“I think I’ve had enough cheesy potatoes to fill both of us for a week, let’s go home.” Though this statement was said with love, she heard the demand in it. It was time to go home.

“Okay.” She said quietly, slipping on her jacket and racing out the door.

More tears threatened to spill over as she raced to the house, feeling Joel’s stare as he walked behind her. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t just fucking let things go. They didn’t need to talk about everything, which of course was what he was gonna do, but things would all be so much easier if he would just fight with her. If they would yell and scream, hell, sometimes she’d prefer him to just dig a hole and throw her in it. For some reason she felt it would hurt less then actually telling him what was the matter.

It would also be less embarrassing.

She swears she’s in the clear when she pushes the door open, already forming a plan to get him off her back, but she’s barely even inside for a minute before he’s right behind her, telling her to stop.

“Ellie.” That’s all it takes, one single word and she’s turning around, feet glued to the ground.

“I’m going to bed.” It’s defiant, an opening to an argument, but it’s easier then admitting what she really wants.

“No ma’am you’re not, sit down.” He points to the couch, slipping his coat off and tossing it on the rack.

Every muscle, every bone in her body says to keep walking away, to start a fight. But her mind won’t let her. She must stand there for what feels like forever debating whether or not it’s worth it, but when Joel looks at her, eyes still soft besides the gruff sound to his voice, she caves immediately. With a groan she begins stomping over to the couch, hearing Joel mumble something about dinosaur feet on his way to her.

Any other day she’d laugh, come back with some stupid statement about how he’s older then a dinosaur, but all she can think about now is the way he gently placed his hand on her shoulder when he walked by, how the place where it was is warm and tingly. How she feels like there’s a piece missing from her just because it’s gone.

“You gonna tell me what the hell is goin on or am I gonna have to beat it out of ya?” He says it with a smile, a ploy to get her to laugh. She doesn’t.

“Nothings wrong.”

“That’s not what I said.” He replies, hands clasped in front of him as he leans forward. “Talk to me kiddo.” He just stares then, waits for her to speak, to yell, anything. But she feels stuck, like she’s walking through quicksand, going so far down she can’t breathe, can’t see anything other then her own fear.

“Ellie hey,” He grabs her hand, running his thumb over her knuckles. She cracks a little more, eyes growing misty as she feels his callouses touch her newly soft skin. Why is this so hard?

“Look at me honey.” He crouches down, hands on her knees. There’s warmth everywhere on her body now, reaching from the tips of her toes all the way up to the top of her head, and yet somehow she’s still so fucking frozen in place.

“I can’t” She croaks out, a little sob shaking her upper body.

This obviously scares him, she feels it in the way his jaws ticks a bit, his hands tightening their grip on her own. “Ellie I promise you, whatever it is, no matter how bad it is, you can.”

She fights for a little while longer, Joel’s thumbs keeping her grounded as they brush along the skin of her hands and every now and then her knees.

How does she explain this? Where should she even start? Hey Joel, I feel like a fucking mess whenever you don’t hold me all the time because I’m a little baby with absolutely no self-worth and can’t function unless you kiss my head goodbye.

That wouldn’t do. No matter how much it was true, it wouldn’t do.

The frustrations of not being able to voice it made her chest feel even tighter, her fingers instinctively curling around Joel’s as she fought to breathe.

“I can’t.” She says again, eyes closing shut.

She hears him sigh before he readjusts to sit on his butt, hands never moving from hers. “Try.”

“I-”

“Ellie try.”

She inhales deeply, still struggling to find her own footing. It’s like a war inside her brain. Tell him, don’t tell him, back and forth nonstop. The only thing that seems to quiet it is when he lifts her hands to his lips, kissing her knuckles and massaging her tense hands. “Try.” He whispers again, in what she reads as a plea.

But how?

“You know,” The words come before she can even understand what’s happening, and she starts to stop, but he whispers it again and so she keeps going. “You know in the mornings when you like, when you hug me bye or like,” She sighs, still struggling. “I don’t know, when you kiss my head and stuff.”

She thinks she sees recognition flood his face and for a moment can breathe. “Oh Ellie, if you don’t like that just….” Everything goes quiet and her ears start ringing. Just kidding, he doesn’t get it.

“No.” She says quickly, “no please it’s not that.”Confusion now, and she feels even worse. “It’s, I like it when you do that.”

“Ellie I’m not understandin. I’m sorry.” She inhales again, trying not to cry. It’s not his fault he can’t read her mind and it’s not his fault she doesn’t know how to speak it.

“Promise you won’t make fun of me? No matter how crazy.”

“I promise.” He says it with no hesitation, without even blinking. She thinks that’s a good sign.

She takes a deep breath. “I don’t like it when you don’t do that. Like this morning when you left without a hug and you didn’t do anything like at all I thought I was gonna explode the rest of the day.” She’s quiet for a moment. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me?”

Joel gives her a little smile, cupping her cheek. “Baby there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Yes there is.” She says frantically, pulling everything away from him. “I’m almost fifteen, I should-I should be able to function by myself. I should be able to go to sleep without you around, I should be able to have a normal fucking day at school without needing your hugs. But I can’t do it.”

He opens his mouth to reply, eyes going even softer as he watches all of her frustrations fall into his hands. “Ellie.”

“No there’s-there’s something wrong with me, I know it. I’m like a baby and I shouldn’t-”

“Hey now,” He says, grunting as he moves next to her on the couch. “Don’t talk like that, you’re not a baby and there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Yes there is.”

“Ellie listen to me.” He guides her eyes to meet his, rubbing his thumb along her cheek. “You’ve gone your whole life without anybody to hold your hand. Nobody to say it was okay when you were scared, nobody to take care of you when you’re sick. And your goddamn tough for that.”

She smiles a bit at that and he takes it as a window to keep going.

“But you’re still a kid, and kids need affection. It’s normal, hell,” He laughs, “Sarah still cuddled the same damn way you do. So it’s okay.” Ellie sniffles, nodding her head at his words. “And really the only difference between that babygirl and this one is that you have a shit ton of catching up to do. But it’s okay.” He repeats it, needing her to get it through her thick head. “You hearin me?”

He leans their foreheads together, his lips gently kissing her temple and she just closes her eyes, reveling in the feeling of his utter presence “Yeah.” She thinks she does.

“Good, now no more theatrics.” He says jokingly, pulling her to his chest. “Okay?”

“Okay.” She laughs, nuzzling into his side.

It’s still not easy really.

It takes her weeks to finally walk up to him and just wrap her arms around him in a hug, but she does it, and a little bit of the weight loosens when he rubs his hand over head.

He takes the whole thing like champ, tries to make it easier for her to come to him. She doesn’t understand what he does differently or if he even changes anything, but everything else seems to just fall into place on its own until eventually it becomes normal for her to randomly walk up to him and fall against his chest. No matter where they are or who they’re with she learns that it’s okay, cause he’s gonna pull her in close and keep her shielded from everything and everyone, every single time.

And now, instead of feeling likes she’s walking through quicksand, it’s like she’s standing in a field of flowers. Easy, safe, and most importantly, home.

[ghostlylittlemoths]

Jackson!Ellie x Reader

Wc: more than 3 words Cw: Fluff, friends to lovers, talk of past violence, kissing, reader has lip piercings bc why not, Glasgow smile(look it up), use of y/n like once, reader has an accent, beginning takes place when Joel and Ellie first make it to Jackson.

Your pov

I sat in my room as I read a book on my bed. It honestly wasn't that good but it was better than nothing and I was bored. I was deep into my book when I heard a knock at my front door. Opening it to my surprise I see Tommy with a small smile on his face.

"Guess who is here? I talk about him a lot" Tommy said trying to hide his excitement. I thought for a second. Then it hit me, Joel. He talks of his brother Joel a lot.

"Is it Joel?" I say as a question even thought I was most likely right. "Yeah it is. I really want you to meet him. Aaand he brought a girl about your age and I thought you two could be friends. It would do you good to have a friend that isn't just Jesse." Tommy said matter-of-factly at the thought of me needing not than one friend.

"Well if it gets ya to stop saying I need friends I guess I'll meet her and Joel" I say as I play with one of the piercings on my lip and turn around to grab my hat that I never leave my room without. "Great we are gonna meet them at the Tipsy Bison so let's go." Tommy says as he walks away from my door and out of my house. 'This'll be fun...'

Walking out of the house, me and Tommy walked in silence all the way to the Tipsy Bison. Walking in I immediately notice I girl I had never seen and a guy I knew was Joel since I had seen his picture more times than I can count. "So this is Joel and this is..." Tommy said blanking out on the girls name.

"Ellie, my name is Ellie." The girl now known as Ellie said. "Ellie, that's right sorry I know you just told me" Tommy said as I shook Joel's hand and switch to Ellie's hand. "Hello I'm Y/n but y'all can call me n/n" I said with a smile on my face as I tried to make a good first impression. I looked at Ellie and I could tell she was looking at my mouth and I could tell she was trying not to ask about it. So she just gave me a small little smile.

We all sat and talked for what felt like hours when I looked at the clock and noticed how late it was. "Well I better get goin' I'm beat. I'll see yall tomorrow" I said as I stood up from my seat but before I could walk out Joel called out to me.

"Hey kid, could you take Ellie with you I'm gonna stay for a bit longer if thats okay with you?" Joel asked me as he looked at Ellie who had a 'what are you doing?' look on her face. I thought for a second before responding. "Sure as long as you tell me what house I'm looking for so I don't bring her to the wrong house" I say with a little snicker. Joel tells me what house to look out for and me and Ellie were off. The walk started off quiet but was soon broken by Ellie.

"So...how did you get those piercings?" Ellie asked as she looked at my bottom lip. "I did it myself 'bout a year ago as a little 'fuck you' to my dad" I told Ellie. "Oh shit, what did he do to make you do that?" She asked. "Nothin' I was just at a rebellious state I'm my life and wanted to do something to make him mad." I said with a short laugh as she laughed too. I could tell thats not what she intended on asking but I could feel her staring at my cheek.

"You can ask about it y'know." I said as I smiled at her and watched her take a small breath in. "I could feel you starin' all night" I said. "Okay... how did you get that scare on your mouth if you don't mind saying?" Ellie asked as she waited for a response.

"About 2 maybe 3 years ago me and my dad were ambushed my raiders for things we didn't even have. I fought back and I was pinned down by a girl maybe about 3 years older than me and she was sayin' things along the lines of 'give us what we want' and shit like that. I spat at her. Stupid I know and the next thin I know my mouth was forced open and she took a pair of big scissors and *kik* cut the corner of my mouth to the middle of my cheek." I finished as ellie looked at me with wide eyes.

"Damn.. sorry that happened to you" ellie said quietly. "Ehh its okay i don't really care about it. It happened and I moved on from it. Its wasn't the end of the world and honestly it didn't really bother me to begin with."I said as i tried to lighten the mood.

"Well here we are. Thanks for walking and talking with me I guess" Ellie said as she walked up the porch and I stood at the bottom of the steps.

"No problem its been a while since I talked with anyone that wasn't Tommy or my friend Jesse. Its a nice change" I said as a I gave Ellie a smile and she smiled back.

"Thats kinda sad but I won't keep you out longer so goodnight I'll probably see you tomorrow" Ellie said as she opened the door to her house.

"I know.. well goodnight to you too Ellie I hope we can be friends" I say as I gave her a small wave and walked away to go back home and to pass the hell out.

5 years later

2nd person pov

You woke up to the sound of banging on your front door. Half asleep you got up to put some pants on and ran to the door as the banging got harder and louder. 'God fuckin' damn im comin', fuck' you thought as you reached the door and opened it. You opened the door to see Ellie standing there with a smile.

"What the FUCK could you possibly want from me at this damn hour" you said coming off a bit more rude than you intended. "Well damn if I would have known you would be a dick I wouldn't have come" Ellie said crossing her arms at you pretending to feel hurt.

"I'm sorry. What do you need this fine mornin'" you say with sarcasm in your voice as you let Ellie in past you.

"Nothing really just wanted to hang out before we go out on patrol in 2 hours" Ellie said as she sat on your couch with a bottle of water she stole of your table. Opening the bottle you watched as she drank it.

Over the past 5 years you had developed a little crush on Ellie but didn't act on it in fear of messing up your friendship or making her uncomfortable if she didn't feel the same for you. You had dropped subtle hints but stopped after you didn't get any reaction from her.

"Hang out? Thats it? You were bangin' on my door like you were fuckin' dyin' or crazy." You said as you sat next to her facing her on the couch. You grabbed the water from her as she placed it down. Downing the rest of it and tossing it in the trash that was next to the couch.

"Yeah, unless... you want to do something more" Ellie said as she put her hand on your thigh and leaned close to your face. You back away slightly.

"In your dreams Williams" you say as you tilt your head back to cool the heat rising to your face. You hear her laugh and say something to herself that you didnt catch. Stretching your legs out on Ellies thighs you looked back at her noticing she had already kicked off her shoes and jacket as she rested her hands on your legs.

"We have come so far in just 5 years. Just think about it we only really became friends because Joel didn't trust me walking back to our house by myself. And the look on your face when he stopped you from walking out." Ellie said as she laughed at the memory.

You laughed out your nose at the memory and just looked at Ellie. She was just so pretty you always thought she was pretty from the moment you met her. You noticed a peice of her had fallen out of her little pony tail. Before you could stop your hand from reaching out you had already made contact with her hair and pushed it behind her ear. Ellie just looked at you.

"Shit sorry I dont know what I was thinkin'" you say as you pull your hand and legs from Ellie. But before you could full more away from her, she grabbed your hand, holding it in hers. You watch as Ellie opens her mouth so say something and as she closes it as if she didn't want to say what she was thinking about.

You had looked away from Ellie but you felt her move and you looked back only to be stopped by the feeling of something on your lips. You watch as Ellie pulls away from your lips. You watch Ellie quickly push your legs of her and stand up.

"Holy shit I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you uncomfo-" you stop Ellie from talking with a kiss to her lips. You can feel Ellie tense then relax against your lips. You feel her wrap her arms around your waist as she pulls you closer to her.

"God I have been waiting for this" you feel Ellie say against your lips. You kiss for what feels like hours. You pull away from her and you rest your forehead against hers trying to catch your breaths. You wrap you arms around her neck and you move your head to rest on her shoulder.

"I've liked you for so long but I didn't think you like me back hell or that you even liked girls" Ellies says as she rubs her hands on your sides. You pressed you lips to the side of Ellies jaw. The feeling of your somewhat cold piercings made her shiver.

"I thought the same 'bout you minus the likin' girls part 'cause I already knew" you say into her neck as you pull her closer to you.

"Can I officially say you are my girlfriend now?" Ellie asks with a small smile as she now rubs your back and kisses your shoulder.

"Gladly" you say with a smile as you give her another kiss.

That was longer than I expected it to be im not the greatest at writing but I was kinda just goin with the flow and kept writing i hoped yall liked it and give me any feedback on things I can improve also give me some requests on things I should write in the future

[bingbongsupremacy]

Don't Let Me Go

Pairing: Ellie Williams x reader

Warnings: I can't think of any, lmk if I missed one.

Summary: After a near death experience, you're afraid for Ellie to leave you alone.

*Not Proof Read*

Kinda short

ABC List TLOU Masterlist

*****

" Drink so water, please, Y/N. " Ellie's voice is laced with concern.

" I'm okay. " I mutter, burrowing further into Ellie's sheets. The familiar scent of her fills my nostrils, calming me slightly.

I hear Ellie sigh behind me. She gently sets the cup down on the night stand. I feel her warm hand gently brush a strand of hair out of my face. " I'm leaving it here, alright? You need to drink and eat something before I come back. Please, Y/N. I left you some food on the desk. "

My eyes widen, a burst of fear pounding in my heart. I sit up, grabbing onto her wrist. " Don't leave me, please, Ellie. Please don't. " Tears sting the back of my eyes. My throat is hoarse form lack of water.

I just don't want her to leave. What if something happens? What if they break into here...We have no idea where those thieves ended up...

Flashes of yesterday play through my mind. The guns pointed directly at our faces, sinister grins playing on the mens' faces.

We had no idea they were waiting for us, that they had been watching us for days. It was just supposed to be another day on patrol. No one was supposed to get hurt.

My first memories came from inside Jackson. My parents did their best to shield me from the horrors of the outside world. Working on patrol opened my eyes to so many horrors. So many dangers.

I'd heard of clickers before going on patrol, but I'd never seen them before. Only sketches.

I'd heard of bandits and thieves wandering across our land. None of them have ever made it into Jackson before. They're usually pretty well taken care of and not much is mentioned about them after. I'd never delt with one in person before, let alone 5.

Honestly, I have no idea how Ellie and I made it out alive yesterday. They were so ready to shoot us, their fingers centimeters away from the triggers.

They already killed Robbie.

All they wanted was our supplies, thankfully. That doesn't do much to ease the fear in my stomach. What if they had wanted more? What if they had hurt us?

If Joel and Tommy hadn't come out looking for us we would've been dead, no doubt about it. The small town surrounding the barn the thieves held us hostage in was infested with clickers. There was no way we could've made it out without weapons or a horse.

" Y/N, I have patrol..." Ellie says with sympathy.

How is she so unbothered by what happened yesterday? It's as if our lives weren't at stake. Like nothing really happened.

Quiet tears slip out of my eyes. " Ellie...I'm scared. " I reply honestly. " What if, what if they're still out there? Waiting for you. What if you don't make it home tonight? "

The thought absolutely terrifies me.

Ellie pulls me into her warm embrace. " Joel and Tommy will find them. I swear to god, if they don't, I will. I'm going to be okay. I promise. I'll have Jesse and Dina with me the entire time. "

" Please Ellie. Don't leave me. I don't want to be alone. " I mumble into her shoulder, my grip on her tight.

Ellie is quiet for a second. " I'll stay. "

Relief floods my body.

" I have to go tell Jesse and Dina I'm staying today. " Ellie draws soothing circles on my back. " It's going to be okay, baby. I will never let anything like that happen again. "

I sink into her arms, my heart beat beginning to calm down.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

[salitok]

Telling everyone your pregnant

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ellie Williams x fem pregnant reader.

warnings: no warnings pure fluff. ( Joel and Jesse are alive in this fic )

summary: Ellie and you have been trying to have a baby, after both of you find out you are pregnant, Ellie invites friends and family over for lunch to give them the good news.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days before...

As you walked out of the bathroom you handed the pregnancy test to Ellie , who was sitting in front of you at the feet of your shared bed.

You looked at Ellie scared, you have been trying to have a baby for a month now; As the two minutes passed Ellie and you hugged each other

Els: Baby everything is going to be ok

she kissed you softly on the lips, she then looked at the test

Els: Omggg babe look *she handed you the test*

You started crying out of happiness when you saw the pregnancy test. Ellie hugged you tightly, she was so happy to know you're going to be parents.

Els: Baby we have to tell everyone, I love you so much

You agreed and told Ellie that she should invite everyone over for lunch, you kissed her, raping your hands over her shoulders ... I love you so much Babe.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You heard a knock at the door, you scram at Ellie from the kitchen, you were still baking the dessert for after lunch

Y/N: Honey can you get that

Ellie stood up from the couch, she was in your living room. She opened the door and greeted everyone . Where is y/n, Maria asked, oh she's in the kitchen Ellie said gently.

After a second Everyone arrived at the kitchen, Maria and Tommy were there, as well as Dina and Jesse, and of course Joel; You hugged everyone, you were so excited to see them.

Els: let's sit at the table guys

Y/N: yes ill be there in a sec *you said bringing the food to the table*

Everyone talked, Ellie was so happy to see everybody having lunch and enjoying the evening.

Dina: y/n this is so good, you are such a good cook

Jesse nodded looking at you after talking to Joel about something that happened at patrol; The evening continued, and you were all laughing and chatting peacefully, eating dessert, when suddenly Ellie makes a low sound with her glass.

Els: guys we have an announcement to make *standing up and holding your hand*

Y/N: we are pregnant !!!! *Ellie put her hand on your belly*

They were all shocked, and after a minute Maria broke the silence

Maria: Omggg you guys

Dina and Jesse: we are so happy for you both

Everyone stud up and hugged both of you

Tommy: your going to be great parents

Joel was quiet, he looked shock; he didn't know what to say or how to react, he was just looking at Ellie and you with watery eyes. Ellie got close to him, and for the first time, she said...

Els: Dad your going to be a grandpa

Joel started crying and hugged Ellie. It was the first time she ever called him dad; He Then hugged you, and he was thanking you for making him a grandpa; he had tears in his eyes but his smile touched each of his ears.

They left after an hour, they were all very happy about the news and promised to tell everyone in Jackson. After they left you kissed Ellie softly.

Y/N: i love you Els

Els: I love you too babe

[pedroscurls]

Title: The Teacher (Part 6).

CHAPTER TITLE: A New Relationship

Character(s): Joel Miller, Reader (female, first person POV), Tommy Miller, Maria Miller Summary: You and Joel navigate this new relationship.  Word Count: 6,648 Author's Note: It’s been a tough couple of weeks, so thank you all for reading and being patient with me! Pure smut/fluff/angst (all the works) in this chapter! Continuing to develop this relationship before the more serious stuff happens. Stay tuned. Warning: SMUT! Mentions of death, flashbacks, panic attacks.

Nightmares still plagued you and Joel, but having each other every night helped you both get more sleep than what you were both used to. It had been a week since you and Joel crossed the threshold of friends to lovers and it had been an amazing, blissful week. You and Joel couldn’t get enough of each other. If you weren’t at his house, he was at yours. You were getting used to the idea of falling asleep in his arms every night. 

You were in the kitchen, holding a cup of coffee as you stared off into the distance. Joel had already left for patrol and your mind drifted to your time outside of Jackson. It felt so long ago when Maria found you and now that you had completely felt a part of the community, everything felt like they were now falling into place. 

Before Maria found you, you had come to terms with the idea of death. In fact, you didn’t fear it; instead, you were ready for it. But coming to Jackson was your second chance. You were determined to just keep your head down and contribute to the community, but you didn’t expect Joel; you didn’t expect Ellie, Tommy, or Maria. It felt like a family and after a year of being alone, you cherished it every day. 

But it still scared you. 

You had come to care about the people in Jackson, about Joel, about Ellie, Tommy, and Maria, that the thought of losing them lingered in the back of your mind. Waking every morning felt like a dream; being in Joel’s arms, being a teacher again, the feeling of safety… It just felt like it was too good to be true and you were still trying to push that thought aside. 

Joel had already witnessed a couple of your episodes– one involving him directly. Your time before coming to Jackson still haunted you and while being with Joel did help, you felt this lingering feeling in your gut that something was going to happen. You knew, or rather heard from other people, of the things that Joel had done before they came to Jackson too. You understood exactly what he did was in order to survive and you wondered if it haunted Joel too. 

If it did, he did a really good job at hiding it.

You were broken out of your reverie when you heard a knock on your door. You took a deep breath and set your mug down. There was no school today and usually, you spent your days off tidying up the school and getting ready for the following week, but you also wondered if Maria had already talked to Tommy about your proposal of a nearby abandoned school.

Opening the door, you let out a smile when you saw Maria.

“I was actually just thinking about you,” you said, opening the door and allowing her to step inside. “You want coffee?”

Maria smiled and nodded, “Sounds great.” She stepped inside and followed you into the kitchen, leaning against the counter with her arms crossed over her chest. “So…”

“So?”

“I talked to Tommy.”

You poured Maria a mug of coffee, handing it over to her and leading her to the dining table. Once you sat down, you looked over at Maria and watched her sip from her mug. 

“What did he say?”

Maria sighed. “He agrees with you, thinks it might be a good idea.”

You grinned in excitement. “Great. When can I go?”

“But, he doesn’t think you should go.”

“What?” You asked, furrowing a brow. “Why not?”

“Who’s going to do the teaching?” Maria replied.

“Maria, we can leave on a Saturday morning and be back by Monday. I can handle it.”

“We know that you can, but–”

“Do you not trust me?”

“No no, it’s not that,” Maria sighed quietly. “You just– It’s only been a month since you came to Jackson. Outside these walls–”

“I’m aware,” you replied quickly. “I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to be outside these walls, Maria.”

“Both me and Tommy agree that you shouldn’t go…”

“But I’m the one who brought it to you, so I should be able to at least check it out.”

“No,” she said. “We aren’t negotiating this. We have people whose sole job is to patrol and check out new locations. This isn’t your job.”

You wanted to scream. You wanted to yell at Maria, but for some reason, you couldn’t find your voice. You didn’t respond, moving your eyes to your lap. You needed this. You needed to be the one to check out the school; if for some reason it turned out to be a bust, you didn’t want other people’s lives in your hands, not anymore. At least if you went, if something bad were to happen, it’d happen to you and not anyone else.

Maria called your name, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“I need to be the one that goes, Maria. Please.” 

“Why? You just got here to Jackson…”

“I just– I need this.”

Maria sighed. “Let me talk again with Tommy, but I can’t guarantee anything. Does Joel know about this?”

You cleared your throat. You hadn’t told him yet, too busy with getting to know each other’s bodies and spending more time in the bedroom. “No…”

“Well, you better let him know. If you have to convince anyone, it’s gotta be him.”

“You don’t think he’ll agree with me?”

Maria shook her head and replied, “I don’t think he’s gonna let you go.”

“Why’s that?”

She gave you a knowing smile and took another sip from her mug. “Because he cares about you and when Joel cares about someone, he’s gonna do anything and everything he can to keep them safe.”

You felt yourself blush, your mind drifting to Joel. “Well, I guess I have to convince both Miller brothers then, huh?”

“I just want you to know what you’re getting into. We don’t know that area and there are too many unknown factors and–”

“I’m aware of it all, Maria,” you reassured her. “I’ve thought about it all before proposing the idea to you. Trust me… I’m the best person for this.”

—

Tommy and Joel were making their way back to Jackson after finishing their patrol. They had encountered more infected this morning and still, they were unaware of where they were coming from. 

“So, you and the teacher, huh?” Tommy smiled.

“She got a name, y’know.” Joel said.

“I know. I just like teasin’ ya,” he laughed. “Did she tell you, by the way?”

“Tell me what?”

“That she wants to check out an abandoned school eight miles west of Jackson.”

Joel turned his head to look at his brother. This was all news to him and it scared him, not because you had hid it from him, but because of the idea of you being outside of Jackson and having to deal with so many unknowns. While they hadn’t encountered any hunters, the infected were just as big of a threat. 

“Nah,” he finally replied. “She ain’t tell me anythin’.”

“Maria and I both agree that it’s a good idea to check out, but we aren’t gonna let her go.”

Joel sighed in relief. “Thank you, Tommy.”

“You really like her, don’t you?”

Joel shrugged. “You know how it is, honeymoon phase and all.”

Tommy chuckled to himself, shaking his head. “Right, honeymoon phase.”

“We’ve been spendin’ every night with each other,” Joel admitted. “It’s easier to fall asleep when she’s next to me. And honestly, Tommy, I can’t remember a time where I’ve gotten this much good sleep.” 

“Yeah, you’re in deep, big brother,” Tommy grinned. “And it’s only been what? A week?”

“Shut up,” Joel said, cracking a small smile as his mind drifted to you and the moments you both shared so far. “I feel like I’ve known her my whole life.” He sighed. “That was cheesy as hell, sorry.”

Tommy couldn’t help but laugh. It was nice to see his older brother finally relax and let down his guard to allow someone in. What made it even better was that that someone was you. You got along with Ellie, with Maria, and himself. It had been such a long time since he had seen Joel this happy and this content. He never thought he would see this side of his older brother again after he lost Sarah. 

“You’re just expressing how you feel, Joel. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.”

“Yeah, but that ain’t me, you know?”

Tommy shrugged. “Sometimes, people bring out a side of us that’s always been there.”

Joel nodded. He understood exactly what Tommy meant. Since meeting you, Joel had opened up in ways that he never thought possible. He actually enjoyed the conversations he had with you, loved spending time with you, and he found himself wanting to tell you all about his past, before and after the outbreak. 

“She’s a good one, Joel.”

He smiled. “I know… How’d I get so lucky?”

Tommy chuckled. “Shit if I know,” he teased. “Like I said, we all deserve a second chance to live again. This one’s yours.” 

Joel and Tommy reached the gates of Jackson, nodding at the two men on watch once the gates opened. They entered the community, bringing the horses to the stables when Maria caught sight of the two men.

“We have to talk,” Maria said, looking over at Tommy.

“You ain’t gotta hide it, Maria. Joel knows. I told him.”

“Well, shit,” she replied.

“What?” Joel asked, climbing off his horse. “It’s a good idea.”

“Yeah, it is…”

“There’s a but coming, baby. What is it?” Tommy asked.

“She wants to be the one to go on the trip.”

Joel immediately looked at Maria with a hardened gaze, jaw tight, and his brow furrowing. “No.”

“Joel–”

“No, Maria. She ain’t going out there.”

“I don’t think that’s up to you,” Maria replied. “I’ve got a feeling if we don’t let her go, she’s gonna find a way to go herself anyway.”

Tommy shook his head. “She can’t do that.”

“You may not have spent as much time with her as I have, but that woman is stubborn. Once she has her mind made up, there’s no changing it.”

“So, what do you expect us to do? Let her go?” Joel asked. “No way. It’s too dangerous.”

Maria placed her hands on her hips, staring at the older man with narrowed eyes. “Might I remind you that she had been out there on her own for over a year? If anyone can handle it, it’s her.”

“Oh, so you want to let her go?” Joel added. “That it? Put her life on the line for–”

“Enough,” Tommy interrupted. “That’s enough, Joel.”

Joel let out a huff and shook his head. He had begun walking away from the couple, his mind racing as he thought about you. All he could imagine was you outside these walls, hurt… Or worse. 

“I’ll see ya later,” Joel called out to Maria and Tommy. 

Maria sighed, looking over at her husband. “I don’t want her to go, but–”

“We’ll talk about it when we get home, okay?”

—

Joel walked up the steps of your porch and knocked on your door. When you opened it, he was conflicted. While he was excited and relieved to see you, the nagging thought of you wanting to go back out there and not telling him lingered. 

“Hi, darlin’.” Joel stepped inside and shut the front door behind him. 

“I’ll get you a cup of coffee.” You were walking towards the kitchen to pour himself a mug when Joel wrapped his arms around you from behind. He reveled in your presence, feeling you push back against him and his arms tightened around you.

“Can I just– Can I just hold you for a second, darlin’?” Joel turned you around in his arms. He looked down at you, his eyes softening at the sight of you. 

“Rough patrol?” You asked, wrapping your arms around his neck. 

“Just missed you.” Joel buried his face against the side of your neck, his arms tightening around you. He let out a heavy sigh and slowly pulled away, letting his lips brush against yours lightly.

“Well, I missed you too.” You smiled, linking your hands at the base of his neck. You gently pecked his lips, pulling back to look at his features. He looked exhausted and you could tell that there was something bothering him. “Did something happen?”

Joel shook his head. “No, nothin’ happened.”

You furrowed a brow and remained in his arms, moving your hands down to rest against his chest. “Why do you look like something’s on your mind?”

“Tommy told me.” 

“Told you what?”

“Darlin’, he said you wanted to check out an abandoned school.”

You smiled. “Oh yeah. I was gonna tell you today after Maria stopped by to see me. It’s a good idea, isn’t it?”

Joel sighed. “It is, but I don’t think you should go.”

“Why not?” You asked, slowly pulling from him. 

“It’s just too dangerous.”

You sighed, stepping out of his arms. “Joel, come on.”

“What? We still don’t know where the infected are comin’ from and–”

“You know, it’s like you, Maria, and Tommy seem to forget that I was out there alone before I came to Jackson.” This seemed like it was their first fight and while it felt too early to be having one, you knew you couldn’t back down. “I’m not asking for your permission, Joel. I’m gonna go no matter what.”

Joel sighed, moving his hands to his hips as he stared at you. “It’s dangerous,” he repeated.

“Joel,” you replied. “I can handle myself.” 

“I know you can,” he sighed. “That ain’t it.”

“Then what is it, Joel? Because from where I’m standing–”

Joel let out a loud exhale and threw his hands in the air. He was exhausted and all he wanted was to hold you. He didn’t know how to say that he was scared to lose you, so instead, he grabbed his jacket and motioned towards the front door. 

“You know what, I’m just gonna go home.”

“Joel…”

“I’m tired,” he interrupted, pulling on his jacket. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Joel,” you called out. You let out a quiet sigh when you saw him walk out the front door, not bothering to stop and pay you anymore attention. You flinched when the door shut loudly, wanting to go after him, but your feet felt like they were glued to the floor. You couldn’t move. You hadn’t expected Joel to just leave. You at least thought he would sit you down and talk with you about this, but him deciding to leave mid-conversation gave you the idea that he didn’t want anything to do with a potential argument. 

You hadn’t expected the rest of your day to be spent alone. All morning, you couldn’t wait until Joel came back from his patrol with Tommy and now, here you were, alone in your house and the nagging thoughts coming back. Being with Joel put the lingering memories at bay, your mind focused solely on him whenever he was around, but now that he wasn’t here, it engulfed you. Screaming at you, forcing you to remember things you had tried so hard to forget. 

Joel had gone home and went straight for his bedroom. For moments like this, he was glad that Ellie had her own space. He couldn’t think straight. He certainly didn’t want to argue with you, but the thoughts of losing you consumed him. The fear settled in the pit of his stomach, memories of losing Sarah, losing Tess, of almost losing Ellie flashed through his mind and he felt a heavy weight settle on his chest. It was like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t focus, and he tried so hard to think of happier thoughts, but it wasn’t working.

Joel shut his eyes, but it only made it worse. All he could see, could feel was the grief and loss that had accumulated over the last two decades. 

He could feel Sarah taking her last breath in his arms.

He could see the look of defeat on Tess’s face when she showed him her bite. 

Joel definitely remembered the way he felt when he found out that the Fireflies were going to sacrifice Ellie for a cure that wasn’t guaranteed. 

And now, all he could think about were the endless possibilities of losing you once you were outside of the walls of Jackson. He couldn’t handle it. 

It wasn’t until he heard Ellie’s voice that he managed to catch his breath. The young girl always made a lot of noise, not aware of how truly loud she was, but in this moment, Joel was grateful. He sat at the edge of the bed and stared at the floor, focusing on his breathing as he felt some relief. He knew he shouldn’t have just left you, but he couldn’t take it, couldn’t admit to you (or himself) the fear of losing you. It had only been a month since you came to Jackson and a week since you and Joel became a couple, and it felt all too soon to be feeling this way. Right? 

Joel was in way over his head; he was never good at relationships and he still hadn’t learned his lesson, but he wanted it to be different with you. For some reason, Joel wanted to do better, be better and leaving you mid-conversation made him realize that he was reverting back to what he was used to: avoidance. 

He grabbed a pair of lounge pants and a dark colored t-shirt. Joel figured a shower would help him calm down and get in the right mindset before he made his way back over to your house. 

You, on the other hand, decided to leave your home to get some fresh air. You figured a walk around the community would help calm you down, to distract you from the nagging thoughts that continued to scream at you. You had slipped Joel’s jacket on and pulled your boots before leaving your house. You took a glance over at Joel’s home and let out a sigh, you really didn’t think you wanting to leave Jackson to check out an abandoned school would be a big deal. 

It was nearing lunch time, so Jackson was more lively. You could hear the sounds of chatter and laughter as you neared closer to the center of the community. You still couldn’t believe you were here, in a community such as this one that reminded you so much of the old world. You wondered what you did to deserve to be in a place like this and even after a month, you still felt like your luck was going to run out. That you were going to wake up and realize this was all a dream. 

You were taken out of your thoughts when you heard your name being called. You turned around to see Rosie running over to you with Jack trailing behind her. She collided with your legs, wrapping her arms around you.

“Well, hi Rosie.”

“Hi,” she giggled. 

“Sorry about that,” Jack chuckled, scooping Rosie up into his arms. “It’s my day off and this little one is definitely giving me a run for my money.”

You laughed, reaching over to poke Rosie’s side, hearing her giggle. “It’s okay, it’s no worry at all.

“Is this what you do on your days off?” Jack smiled. 

“Just needed some fresh air,” you replied with a smile. “It’s still so fascinating that we’re in a place like this, you know?”

Jack nodded in agreement. “Oh, I understand what you mean. It took me months before I could finally relax. Always felt like something was going to happen. It’s why I volunteered to do patrols, gives me some sense of an idea of what’s happening outside of these walls.”

“You don’t ever get scared?” You asked, furrowing a brow. 

“Always. Every time I leave Rosie, I’m always scared.”

“Then why choose to do patrols?”

Jack shrugged. “I don’t know what else I’d be good at, truthfully.” 

“Oh, that isn’t true, is it?”

“I was in the military before all of this. A retired veteran by the time of the outbreak. I’m used to the chaos, used to putting my life on the line for people.”

“Well, it’s much appreciated. Rosie’s lucky to have you.”

Jack chuckled. “I think it’s the other way around.”

Rosie smiled between the both of you and pointed over at the school. “I really love school,” she said. “It’s so fun.”

You smiled, feeling your heart swell at the thought of the kids enjoying school, especially in a world such as this where learning the basics wasn’t required anymore. “Well, I’m glad you enjoy it. I love being your teacher.”

“You are the best,” she smiled. “Are we gonna draw more pictures on Monday?”

You nodded. “Oh, there’s always time to draw pictures.”

Jack smiled in your direction and then pointed towards the stables. “I promised this one we’d get to see the horses today, so we better get going.”

“Of course. Have a good day, Rosie and it was great seeing you again, Jack.”

“Have a good rest of your day too,” he smiled, walking past you and heading towards the stables. 

You continued to walk around the community before deciding to make your way back home. Your mind drifted to Joel, trying to understand where he was coming from. Maybe he was afraid that you were going to have one of your episodes while you were outside of the walls of Jackson because you couldn’t fathom to think that maybe he was also afraid of losing you. It was too early in the relationship, wasn’t it? 

When your house came to view, you saw Joel leaving his and stopped in his tracks when he saw you. You bit your lower lip and noticed how comfortable he was dressed, certainly different than what he usually wore. You both walked towards each other and before he could say anything, you threw your arms around him and enveloped him in a tight embrace.

“I don’t like arguing with you,” you whispered.

“Me neither,” Joel replied, his arms immediately wrapping around your frame. “I’m not– I ain’t used to talkin’ about my feelings.”

“What a coincidence, same here.”

Joel cracked a smile, pulling back to peck your lips. “Can we go inside?”

You nodded, pulling away and taking his hand. You led him up the stairs of your porch and unlocked your door. Joel shut it behind him and grabbed your hips, turning you around to face him.

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

“It’s okay,” you sighed. 

“It ain’t,” Joel shook his head. 

“Joel, it’s fine.”

He just sighed. Didn’t have it in him to say otherwise, so instead, he just buried his face against the crook of your neck and tightened his hold around your frame. You had gotten to know more about Joel and while he was right that he doesn’t normally talk about what’s bothering him, his actions and his body language told you exactly what he wanted to say, but couldn’t. 

Right now, you could feel how concerned he was with the way his arms were tight around your frame. You didn’t know what to say, how to comfort him, so you just kept a tight hold onto him too. 

Maybe he couldn’t say it, but you certainly had no problem admitting that you were afraid whenever Joel went on patrol. It wasn’t that you thought he couldn’t handle himself, it was the lingering thought that you could lose him at any time. It was scary and it weighed heavy on your shoulders and while you always told him to be safe every morning he went on patrol, there was a hidden meaning behind it. 

I don’t want to lose you. Be careful and come home in one piece.

But you could never bring yourself up to say it. It felt too soon, but the way he made you feel had you reflecting on the possibility that you were falling for him. Fast. And it was a terrifying thought because caring about someone in this new world also came with a dark shadow looming overhead, that one day, luck was going to run out and it could happen at any moment. 

“You wanna go lie down?” You asked.

Joel nodded, pulling back to look down at you. He brought his hands to your cheeks, cupping them gently and brushing his thumbs against you. “I’d like that, darlin’.”

You took his hand and led him down the hallway and to your bedroom. You could feel the tension in the air, the unspoken feeling from the both of you, neither your or Joel admitting the fear that you both had been feeling since meeting. 

“I like this look on you,” you smiled, lying on your bed and pulling him down with you. 

Joel chuckled, lying down and pulling you instantly into his arms. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, you look… Relaxed. I mean, you look good also in your jeans and denim button up, but this… It’s a nice change.”

He smiled, placing a soft kiss on the top of your head. “I suppose it’s because I am relaxed, with you at least.”

“Me too,” you replied. You buried your face against him, shutting your eyes and inhaling the scent on his shirt. 

“I– I’m sorry,” Joel repeated. “I just–”

“You don’t have to say it,” you interrupted. Part of you didn’t want him to because you knew it was just going to solidify and confirm how you were feeling and the deeper you were falling for him, the more it was going to hurt if anything bad were to happen to him. 

“But–”

You shook your head. “I know already…”

“You do?” Joel asked with a furrowed brow. 

“It’s because I feel the same way.” 

You stared up at Joel, holding eye contact as you watched his eyes soften and his brows relax. Neither of you could say it out loud, but looking at him, feeling his arms tighten around you was enough for you.

For once in his life, Joel understood the meaning of “butterflies in your tummy” because as he was looking at you, he felt an intense amount of bliss wash over him. While the fear lingered, the happiness and contentment he felt at the moment overpowered it. 

As you both were looking at each other, you inched closer and let a small smile line your lips. 

You knew how he felt. Joel knew how you felt. 

It was mutual.

I’m scared to lose you. 

But I want this. I want you. I want us. 

“If Tommy lets you go on that trip,” Joel whispered. “I’m comin’ with you.”

Your eyes slightly widened, immediately beginning to object and shake your head. “Joel, no.”

“You know, you ain’t the only stubborn one. I’m comin’ with you.”

“Okay,” you said. All of a sudden an onslaught of concerns filled your mind. You hadn’t been with anyone outside of these walls in so long and while you and Joel were great together in Jackson, you weren’t sure if it was going to change once you both were outside the comfort of this community.

You needed to be honest. You needed to get this heavy weight off your shoulders, the same weight that you had been carrying for years. You needed him to know. 

“Joel…”

“Yeah, darlin’?”

“The things I did out there, on my own or with certain groups…” You let out a heavy sigh and dropped your eyes, not wanting to look at him anymore. 

Joel furrowed a brow. He wasn’t sure what you were trying to say, but he could sense how difficult this was. He could see an invisible guard being put up and how you had lowered your eyes and were slowly pulling away from him. 

“I’m damaged. I’m broken. I’ve hurt so many people,” you whispered. “Killed so many others and I’m just waiting for my turn…” 

Joel sighed heavily. He understood exactly what you meant and realized how easily he could relate. Before Jackson and before Ellie, Joel knew he wasn’t a good man. Smuggling, killing, torturing… All for the sake of survival. 

Losing Sarah had broken his soul, had tainted his moral compass. For the past twenty years, Joel was also just waiting for his turn. 

But now, with you, he felt like he deserved to be happy again. It had taken him a while to understand that even he deserved happiness and love, but when he finally opened himself up to it, Joel learned it was the best decision he could have ever made since the world ended. 

“Darlin’,” he finally replied, cupping your cheek. Joel felt you lean against his touch, slowly looking up at him with teary eyes. “You did what you needed to do to survive. We all did,” he said quietly. Thoughts and memories of his time before Ellie flashed in his mind and he cleared his throat. 

“Maybe,” you said, unconvinced. 

“You ever hear about smugglers?” Joel asked. He was taking a risk by being honest with you and while he was scared of the potential judgment, there was also a part of him that wanted to admit and be completely transparent with you. 

“Yeah, heard rumors, encountered a few,” you answered. 

“Well, before Ellie, I was a smuggler,” Joel admitted. “I’ve done some unthinkable things too and it haunts me to this day.”

You bit your lower lip. So, the rumors that you heard around Jackson were true. Yet, here you were, supposed to be afraid of Joel and the things he was capable of, but all you could feel was a sense of safety. It had always been like that. 

Joel continued, “All for survival, right?”

“Seems like we’re both two broken people,” you said with a sigh. “Think we can help each other finally heal?”

Joel leaned closer, his lips inches from yours. “I think you’re already helping me heal, baby.” 

You felt as if your heart could leap out of your chest. A blush slowly crept along your neck to your cheeks and you pulled Joel on top of you, parting your legs for him to settle between them. You looked up at him, running your fingertips along his chest as he propped himself up with two hands at either side of your head. 

“With you, everything seems to melt away,” you whispered. 

Joel let out a contented sigh and smiled, leaning down. “The feeling is mutual, darlin’.” Then, he pressed his lips against yours. 

You hummed in approval, moving your hands to grab the ends of his shirt, playing with the hem of the fabric as you moved your lips against his. Joel was just such an amazing kisser that it always left you breathless and wanting more. The way his lips moved against yours, nipping gently, teasing you with his tongue, the arousal shot straight through you and down to your lower half. 

You needed him. 

Just as badly as he needed you. 

Kissing you never lasted long before his manhood would stir awake, slowly beginning to push against the fabric of his pants. This time, though, he wanted to take his time. Joel had slowly opened up to you and while it wasn’t everything in his past, it was a start. The fact that you hadn’t run away yet or cast a judgment on him and the things he did made him grateful. It just made him want to be an even better man for you. 

Joel moved one hand down to your side, gripping your hip tightly as his hips began to grind against you, yearning for friction. When he heard you let out a quiet moan, Joel pulled away only to nip along your jawline. 

You could feel Joel’s excitement immediately. The wetness settled between your legs and when he began placing kisses, biting at your skin along your jawline down to your neck, you gently wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled his shirt over his head. 

You would never get tired of seeing him and his body. His strong, muscular frame littered with scars that you were sure had a story to each one. You looked at him with admiring eyes, grateful and lucky to be with someone like him. 

Joel had always been self-conscious about his scars. He always felt like he had to explain each one, but with you, he didn’t need to. When he felt you kiss a few of his scars, it was an unspoken feeling that Joel was experiencing. You didn’t push, didn’t pry, but instead, through your actions, showed him that when he was ready to talk about it, you’d be there. 

He then undid the button on your pants, slowly pulling them away from your legs. Joel also made sure to keep a hold on your underwear so that when he pulled your pants away, so did your undergarments. Your lower half laid bare for him and he growled at the sight. Joel sat up, leaning back against his legs as he watched you remove your shirt and undo your bra. Once you were fully naked, lying before him with your hair splayed out against the pillows, Joel felt like he was in heaven. 

He could have died at this moment and he would be content. 

You stared up at him, feeling once more like the most beautiful person he had ever seen. You, too, had scars on your body that you weren’t yet ready to talk about and Joel gave you the same consideration and didn’t pry further. Instead, his fingertips ran over them gently, almost as if he was healing you from the memories that came with it. 

Joel then removed his pants, revealing that he hadn’t worn any underwear beneath his lounge pants. When he looked back at you, he let out a quiet chuckle.

“What?”

“You weren’t wearing underwear this entire time?”

Joel smirked, settling himself back between your legs as his erected manhood brushed against your wet slit. 

“Not with those pants, no.” Joel grasped his member, tugging on it a couple of times before he lined his tip between your folds. 

“Well, from now on, I request you wear those pants only whenever you come over.” You managed to say, looking up at him as you felt his tip slowly enter you before he pulled out. 

“Only if you say please,” he winked.

“Please,” you begged. Not only for him to wear no underwear from now on, but also for him to just slide back into you.

Joel growled lowly under his breath. He slowly slid back into you, feeling your walls wrap around his throbbing length almost instantly. The warmth of your walls, the slickness of your heat allowed Joel to delve further into you, all the way to the hilt. 

You let out a loud moan, your hands immediately coming up to wrap around his arms. You figured you would never get used to his girth, stretching you from the inside in the best way possible. When he filled you entirely, you felt like you could burst. 

“Joel,” you moaned, fingernails digging into the skin at his triceps. “Please…”

He always felt so proud of himself, to be able to put you in an immediate state of pleasure. Joel slowly moved his hips, pulling out to the tip and thrusting back into you. He watched as your eyes fell shut, your mouth open to let out a stream of quiet moans. You were beautiful. 

Joel’s rhythm began to pick up in speed. The sounds of your moans mixed with the sounds of skin slapping against one another. The bed gently and repeatedly hit the wall with each thrust and you knew you were close, could feel yourself tightening even further around him. 

He wrapped an arm around you, bringing you flush against him before Joel felt you roll them over until he was on his back. As you straddled his waist and fixed your position, you felt full of him once more. 

Joel, on the other hand, enjoyed the view. He reached up and ran his hand along your abdomen and up to your breast, kneading it in his palm. Joel wanted more, couldn’t get enough of you, so he sat up and used his free arm to wrap around your waist. He leaned in, attaching his lips to one of your nipples and sucked gently, flicking his tongue repeatedly against you. 

The sensations of pleasure were becoming too much and you wrapped your arms around his shoulders as your hips began to roll against his, quickly and expertly. The hair at his base repeatedly caused the right amount of friction against your clit, bringing you closer and closer to your climax.

Joel loved this side of you, seeing you so dominant and using him and his body in a way only you can. He pulled back, his hands moving to your hips as he watched you toss your head back in a state of pleasure and your hips rolling repeatedly against his. 

God, you were riding him like your life depended on it and he was enjoying every second. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, his hands moving to grasp your backside tight in his grip. Joel slowly stopped your movements to lift you up and down his length, letting out a loud groan at this new sensation and position. 

He wanted more.

“Joel,” you moaned, following his movements before you grabbed his hands and gently pushed him so that he was lying back down. You pinned his hands above his head, staring deeply into his eyes as you continuously moved your hips, repeatedly bouncing on his length.

“Fuck,” he groaned, lacing your fingers together. Joel was at your mercy and he felt himself get nearer and nearer to release. “Come for me, baby.”

That was all it took. Your grip on his hands tightened and you slammed yourself down onto his hardened member before you felt yourself reach your high. Your body slightly shook as the pleasure overtook your entire frame, legs shaky, eyes shut, mouth agape. 

Joel growled and managed to slip his hands out of your own. He grasped your hips tightly and lifted you slightly to give him room to thrust hard and fast upwards. His skin slapped against yours and you felt yourself nearing another climax. You felt like your body couldn’t handle another one, but Joel thought otherwise. 

The man was determined.

He watched as your breasts bounced with each upwards thrust, listened to the sounds of your moans, your pleading Joel, I can’t… It’s too much. 

But before he could make sure you were okay, he felt you lean forward as your body shook once more and your walls tightened even further around him. He would never get tired of hearing his name leave your lips in a state of absolute pleasure. 

Joel continued to ram himself upwards before he finally brought you back down onto him, releasing his warm release within your depths. 

You were both breathing heavily, bodies slightly sticky from the sweat, but overall, you were both satisfied. 

The fear had taken a backseat. 

Joel looked up at you, gently pushing your hair away from your face and realized how deep he was falling for you.

You had given him the same look, a small smile and soft eyes. 

Neither of you could say it out loud, but the looks you two were sharing was enough for both of you to understand what the other was feeling.

I love you and I am never letting you go.

---

Part 7.

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