#ive tried so hard to push people away nobody understands. and i keep coming back like a fucking lonely puppy snd just hurting people more

[turigirl]

ive decided i shall just Not sleep

[topazy]

Silent bloom

Pairings: Bellamy Blake/reader

Warnings: swearing, mentions of blood and vomit

Chapter: 2.04

You sat inside the commander's tent shaking, as you stared at the blood on your hands. Raven’s scream echoes in your ears.

Clarke sat down beside you, "Y/N … I don’t know what to say."

You began to frantically wipe the blood off, rubbing your hands against your trousers until Abby and Kane entered. Abby immediately pulled her daughter in for a hug.

Clarke stepped back from her mom and looked at you sympathetically. "They would have tortured him. You did what you thought was right."

"What did I do?" You sobbed.

Before Clarke had a chance to say anything else, Gustus entered. "The commander will talk now."

"Blood has answered blood." Lexa said, stepping forward. "Some on my side say that's not enough; they want the murderer to suffer as our tradition demands. But they do not know that your suffering will be worse. What you did tonight will haunt you until the end of your days. Still, there will be restitution. The body will be given to Tondc. The murdedered and the murderer will be joined by fire. Only then can we have peace."

Kane shook his head, "No, no, we've done enough. The boy should be buried by his own people-"

"Enough? We were owed the pain of 18 deaths, we were owed the righteous kill my village deserves justice." Indra spat.

Your heart hammered in your chest. You kept thinking of the last real conversation you had with Finn. His voice was so clear inside your mind, he could have been standing beside you.

‘I was scared... when you disappeared. I thought I’d never get the chance to say I’m sorry, and I needed you to know that I love you.’

Why didn’t you see the signs then? He was saying goodbye. Thinking back, you knew Finn must have already made his mind up to hand himself in.

It was all too much for you. You jumped up and ran outside the tent to throw up, ignoring the dirty looks you were getting. Nobody could hate you more than you hated yourself at that moment. Once you had composed yourself, you noticed Raven crying over Finn’s body, and slowly made your way over to her.

"Go away."

"Raven," you sobbed. "I'm sorry."

"I said go away!"

The brunette couldn’t even look at you, and you didn’t blame her. "I’m so sorry. They were going to torture him. I couldn’t let him suffer."

"He loved you! He loved you, and this is how you repaid him!" Raven eventually lifted her head to look at you. "He was the only family I have, and he’s dead because of you."

Hearing the words coming from her mouth made your body physically ache.

Clarke placed her hand on your shoulder as she stood beside you. "The commander had now agreed to help us," she said quietly before facing Raven. "I know how hard this must be for you, but I'm leaving with the Grounders and I need you to work on the radio."

The brunette stood up and glared at you. "You agreed to this? Is that why you killed him? For some deal?"

"What? No," you pleaded. "I just … I couldn’t let him suffer."

"We're taking him back to the village where the massacre took place. There's a death ritual." Clarke cleared her throat. "It's the only way to get our people out of Mount Weather."

As the grounders began to move Finn’s body, you jumped back when you saw his eyes open wide. You rubbed at your eyes and then they were closed again. You were going insane.

"Daisy?"

You turned to face Clarke. You knew by the look on her face that whatever she was about to say wasn’t good. But then again, things couldn’t get any worse. "What’s going on?"

"I think you should stay."

"Wait … Have you decided that I'm going to stay here as some kind of punishment?"

The blonde let out a sigh. "No. Look, Daisy, I’d be lying if I said the thought of doing what you did didn’t cross my mind. I understand it, I really do."

"But?"

"I spoke to my mom and she agreed it would be for the best. A lot of the grounders still blame you for what Finn did, and now-"

You finished the sentence for her, "now our own people hate me."

"I can walk you back to camp before I go? I don’t think you should go back alone."

You declined Clarke’s offer. "It’s fine, thanks though."

If anything happened to you, you’d deserve it anyway.

—

"I know why you're hiding."

You glanced up at Murphy as he sat down beside you. You had been hiding out in your room since you thought Finn was sitting across you in the canteen. He was everywhere. Screaming at your dead friend and telling him to leave you alone definitely drew some unwanted attention.

Shrugging, you looked away from him, "I don’t know what you mean."

"When the grounders first took me … no, actually even before that. When I was banished and alone, I used to see her while wandering the forest."

You finally turned to face him. He looked so broken compared to his usual smugness. "Charlotte?"

Murphy nodded.

"I see Finn everywhere I look. A part of me is glad that I’m seeing him; it’s keeping him alive." You stopped talking when you saw the look on Murphy’s face.

After a few moments of silence, you let out a laugh. "Why are you here?"

"Well, the council decided to send a bunch of teenagers to earth-"

You let out a soft laugh. "Don’t be a smartass. I meant in my room, not on earth."

He shrugged. "Like I said, I know how it feels."

You gripped your knees into your chest tighter as you let out a shaky breath. Never in a million years did you think John Murphy would be the only person able to comfort you.

"Why did you come back here? I thought you would have stayed with Finn’s body."

"Clarke and Abby didn’t want me to," Murphy frowned, letting out a scoffing noise. "It would have been more difficult to get the deal to run smoothly with me there, and I think they are right." Raven would have been so consumed by anger towards you that she wouldn’t have been able to focus on the radios. "I just wish I’d gotten to see Octavia before she left."

But not Bellamy. You wouldn’t have been able to look him in the eye.

"You know, I actually wish the mountain men took me instead of the grounders," you sighed. "Finn would be alive, and I wouldn’t have destroyed Raven."

"You're wrong," he replies. "Finn would still have needed to pay the price for what he did. We all do eventually. But one thing would have been different."

"What?" You asked.

"Raven might have traded me. You think you destroyed her? I shot her. I’m the reason she almost died."

"Was it an accident?"

Murphy frowned, "Of course it was."

You let your legs go straight because you're feeling them start to cramp. "You shouldn’t punish yourself for it; what’s done is done."

"You're such a hypocrite!"

"No I’m not!" You yelled back. "You didn’t mean to hurt her, I meant to kill Finn. I meant to kill my best friend." Shaking your head, you stood up. "Thanks for the company, but I need some air."

—

His blood on the ground was still surprisingly fresh looking.

I’m so sorry Finn.

The whole area seemed eerily quiet now that all the grounders had packed up and gone. It was as if nothing happened.

Sighing, you placed your hand against your chest, which now felt bare. You’d lost the daisy necklace that Finn made you years ago, and without it you felt naked.

How would you ever move on from this? You would need to eventually. It would be difficult, but Monty and Jasper still need your help. You would need to push your heartache to one side until your friends were safe.

Hearing a rustling sound, you glanced over your shoulder. Shit. You were stupid to think it was safe to leave camp yourself. Quickly, you started to run towards camp Jaha when a cloud of thick smoke appeared around you. It wasn’t acid fog, it was something else. It was thick, red, and caused you to choke.

—

"Y/N?"

You blinked a few times as your eyes adjusted to the harsh light. You tried to sit up but were unable to. Fuck. White leather straps covering your wrists attach you to a bed. You gave up fighting against the restrictions. You looked to your left and recognized the blonde in the bed next to you.

"Harper?"

Her hazel eyes were now bloodshot red, and her face was puffy from crying so much. "There’s no point fighting, it just makes it worse."

You took in the rest of the room. It looked like a hospital, judging by all the monitors and IV drips. "Mountain men?" Harper nodded. You looked at her worried, "What do they want with us?"

"Our bone marrow."

[hargrove-mayfields]

Just A Dream Away

Chapter 1/13 read here on ao3!

my piece for @harringrovebigbang!

Art and moodboard from my amazing team, @monochromegee and @shewritesdirty respectively, to come soon!

~~~~

Six months. Six months and twelve days.

That’s how long Billy has been in the hospital. In a coma. His health rapidly deteriorating.

After one month it was required he be put on a ventilator. Two and his wounds started getting infected. By month three, the hospital asked that a representative be chosen for him, just in case he didn’t pull through.

Neil Hargrove refused. Barked into the receiver something along the lines of, “What do I care if the boy wanted to go and get himself killed?” It was entirely defensive, his voice cracking as he finished his sentence, but the hospital still never contacted him again, not for updates or bills or anything. His wife was far too busy taking care of one grieving child and a lazy husband already to worry about an additional burden.

All of Billy’s extended family was still in California, had written him off years before they’d even left home for Indiana anyways. The moment his mother walked out the door, nobody else wanted him either, so they were off the table too.

The town of Hawkins had been turned inside out by the deaths of more than thirty community members, some of which were still being reported as missing so many months later. Nobody had the time, or in many cases the heart, to take care of the lone survivor.

That left only one person. The one who’d been taking care of him even before he’d fallen into a coma. The one who’d understood him better than anyone else, who’d given him a chance, who’d loved him more than anything.

Steve gets a call from the hospital, the way he is usually woken up these days. Every other morning, as soon as visitation opens, a nurse calls him for a quick update. The duties of a representative for someone unconscious, for his Billy in a coma.

He’s beyond exhausted, dragging himself to and from Hawkins General day in and day out, sometimes bringing Max or a few of the other kids along with him. Mostly because every day is the same thing, walking through the halls, facing the polite smiles from nurses who deal with this on the daily, don’t understand the way it feels to see the one you love on that bed.

If he does hear anything new, it’s usually not good news. He knows Billy is getting worse, but still he sits in that room for countless hours, watching and waiting for the moment he’s struck with a miracle, and he comes back to him.

The hospital is not quite as patient though, and since about month four of Billy’s hospital stay, they’d been encouraging Steve to consider his wards right to die. After so much time had passed by without signs of improvement, the nurses had started hesitating in the doorway when he was around, and offering kind little suggestions that were supposed to push him towards the decision to let Billy go.

Things like, “It’s not really him anymore, honey.” and, “He’s getting worse by the minute, poor thing.”, and Steve’s favorite, the one that made him leave the hospital in tears, “If he wanted to wake up, he would have done it by now.”

But no matter how true what they were saying may have been, Steve really did not want to hear it. The only reason the thought of letting Billy go had ever crossed the minds of doctors and nurses was because of what was on the news, all these up and coming stories about hospital ethics committees that were popping up all over the country recently.

They were being selfish, willing to let Billy die just because they were scared they wouldn’t be able to stand the heat that would come from keeping an eighteen year old boy on life support for as long as they had. Whether or not they actually thought they could save him was a question for another day.

So they would mail Steve countless papers and claims and pamphlets to try to reason with him, to persuade him that the best thing to do was to kill Billy because they didn’t want to deal with him anymore. It made him sick to his stomach, to think that people who were supposedly trained to help people were so hellbent on giving up on a patient.

He wonders sometimes, if they wouldn’t be so hasty to pull the plug had he been an easier case. If his father was more supportive and his biological mother present, or if the government hadn’t worked so hard to cover up the origin of his injuries. Maybe even if his representative was a nice young woman instead.

But there’s nothing he can do about it, so he just crumples the papers and ignores their premature condolences, and goes to visit Billy at every moment he can.

The drive to the hospital that particular morning feels like it takes a whole day instead of the 20 minutes the route actually is, Steve feeling like he’s suspended in time. It doesn’t seem real, taking the stairs up to the second floor, elevators were a no go after the free fall he took at Starcourt, and taking a visitor sticker and a bunch of papers from the woman at the reception desk.

He’s walked this route more times than he can count, but this time he can feel that something is wrong, different. On the top of the very first sheet the desk lady hands him, in bold black letters, are the printed words “Right-to-Die” and Steve already knows what is coming.

The woman gives him a half sympathetic look and reads off her scripted spiel. “The Hargrove boy has been unresponsive for six months now, with no signs of improvement in his condition. The recently instituted hospital ethics board wants you to seriously consider the contents of these forms.”

The words are so hollow, the look on her face mostly bored. Steve guesses this same speech was probably given to a thousand other people who’d come through this hospital, and it makes him feel nauseated just listening to it, her less than genuine pity as she reads off her clipboard, making it seem like she doesn’t even care what she is asking of him.

“It’s of course among your rights as representative to say no, but we want to remind you that he has no quality of life being artificially kept alive, and it might be best to let him go.”

“No, they told me he couldn’t feel anything. He’s not suffering.” Steve insists, and as much as he believes that he is right, the confidence in his voice is false. This was something he’d been thinking about every day for the last half a year. “You’ve kept him alive this long, right? That’s got to mean something.”

“Still, this is about him. We just want you to think about if keeping him alive is the right thing to do anymore when we can’t be sure what he’s going through. When he isn’t himself.”

Of course this was something he’d considered in his own mind, six months is a long time, and it was inevitable that a few times on his worst days, he’d have to think about pulling the plug. It was just so different hearing this nurse who didn’t know Billy insisting on it, it was just so impersonal, and it made him think about the hospital's greed, and how they probably just wanted to save money on ventilators and open up another bed.

Without saying another word to her, Steve walks away without the clipboard of papers, and off to room B-216. Of course he'd known this was coming. They’d been trying to drop hints since the moment Billy stopped being able to breathe on his own, but he’d been in denial. As long as Billy's heart was still beating, Steve had hope that he would recover if the doctors would just try.

Still, as he sits down in the chair next to Billy’s bed, he decides he doesn’t want to call Max today. He takes the desk woman's advice, as angry as it made him, and takes the time to truly reflect on the boy in that bed, with the feeding tube down his throat, the respirator breathing for him beside his bed, the IV in his neck, there because the veins in his arms had been so overused.

His hair is much longer now, just past his collarbones, but without maintenance, his blonde curls are knotted and dull. His skin is unnaturally pale, his freckles faded to nothing, and his whole body is littered with angry, dark red scars. The hole in the center of his chest still isn’t all the way healed, and the nurses are constantly fighting to keep it free of infection.

When he wakes up, they say he will be in immense pain and that he will have forgotten how to walk and talk and probably even breathe on his own. There was a chance too that his memory will have gaps in it, which could mean anything from forgetting what happened to him in July, to not even knowing his own name.

Basically if, no- when he wakes up, he won’t really be Billy.

Steve had always heard about and seen in the movies coma patients who twitch their fingers or moved their eyes, or who really give any signs of life, miraculously waking up and being themselves again, but Billy, he had only done the opposite.

At some point, he has to accept that Billy won’t be like one of those other patients, and, in the condition he is in, all pale skin and open wounds and zero signs of responsiveness, they were only prolonging his death. They had tried just about everything they could thanks to Steve’s willingness to cover the expenses, and, although he didn’t want to believe it, maybe just couldn’t accept it quite yet, it was, as the nurse had said, time to think about letting Billy go.

Not today though. He’d spend today with him at the very least, trying to push those thoughts to the back of his mind while he still could. The nurses used to say, when Billy had first been admitted and they still thought there was a chance of recovery, that Steve and Max, whenever she could come, should try talking to him, and Steve always did.

He never really has a whole lot to say, not since everything has been calming down recently. There were no more funerals to attend, no more grieving families to take a hot dish and his condolences to. The kids didn’t need him to watch them anymore, and Family Video had decided to lay him off until he didn’t have to make daily hospital commutes and he could work again. Basically, Steve’s entire world was Billy.

So it was only fair that Billy was what he usually talked about, reminiscing about everything they’d gotten to do together before the accident, telling him about what was happening with his sister now that she was getting older, and giving him updates on how many days it had been and how much he missed and loved him. One of the nurses had heard him say that once, seen him lean forwards and press a kiss to Billys forehead, but she had only turned away, pretending she hadn’t noticed.

Today though, it was much harder than usual to think of something to say to him. He always tried to leave all of the bad stuff at the door, didn’t think it would do Billy any good if he could even hear, to be listening to him always complaining or moping about their situation, but with death weighing heavy on his mind, what else was there to think about?

The anger and the remorse and the depression would be for when he went home tonight and downed a whole bottle of Fireball, Billy’s favorite whiskey, and called Robin drunk off his ass at two in the morning to tell her about how terrible he felt.

It was because he loved Billy with all of his heart that he wouldn’t put him through that. Even if it hurt more than anything else to see his love broken down and dying, which was, in Steve’s opinion, the worst thing that had ever happened to him, he always wore a smile on his face every day he walked into that hospital room.

As hard as that was, and as guilty as it made him feel to admit, Billy's sickness wasn’t the only thing making Steve miserable. He had also been through some unimaginable things himself while trapped in the Starcourt mall, and he didn't come out the other side the same.

Nightmares plagued him constantly, so that when he would eventually come back home from the hospital, he didn’t sleep more than fifteen minutes through the night. Being alone for too long warped his perception of reality, made him think everyone he knew and loved was gone, that he’d been abandoned or all his friends killed. He would constantly call to check on them, most of the time drunk and panicking, but they’d stopped picking up after the first few times. There were so many triggers too that could send him back to that night in an instant, where he’d just get stuck again.

And perhaps that is exactly why he can’t let Billy go so easily, because even if it is heartbreaking and makes him feel so empty inside being there with a version of his Billy who couldn’t speak to him or who he couldn’t hold, he was still alive. If he died now, Steve would have nothing. It would be no different from the losses everyone had suffered, the death of the chief of police and at least thirty other community members robbing them of their soundness of mind.

Letting go of Billy would just be another blow, to him and to the tight-knit community who had come so close together after the accident that rocked their little town. You wouldn't be able to tell from the fact that his room was always empty except for Steve or his sister, but the papers had revered him as a hero. Who he’d become after being hospitalized meant his death wouldn't just affect loved ones.

But more than any of that, he just didn’t want to give up on him. Pulling the plug meant sacrificing so many more moments they could have together, losing the chance to move on from what had happened. How could Steve ever know when it was the right time to do that?

When was it safe to say that Billy wouldn’t ever recover, and that they were just stretching out the inevitable? When could he feel right in letting his very best friend and the love of his life die? Deep down, past his initial reaction of shock and heartbreak, he knows he’ll never truly be ready to say goodbye, but that now was that time regardless.

Just like the nurses said, he wasn’t really Billy anymore. Who he’d been was a teenage boy with too much energy to burn, always getting into trouble and always in motion, bouncing his knee, twisting the ring on his middle finger or the locket around his neck, chain smoking cigarette after cigarette. It used to drive Steve insane how he wouldn’t sit still for anything, but now he would give anything just to have that back.

There was no personality left in him, no stupid jokes to cheer Steve up, no pestering his sister and her friends like a big brother does, nothing left in him at all that made him distinctly Billy. Steve wondered if maybe he had already given up.

If maybe, Billy wasn’t even in there at all anymore, and they were holding on to nothing just to feed their own selfishness. Steve wasn’t the most emotional of people, usually panicking before he got upset, but he could feel tears pricking at his eyes now, as he watched the slow rise and fall of Billy’s, or not Billy’s, chest, and listened to the beeps and hums of the machines that kept him going.

He knew what needed to be done. Just not today.

For now, he holds Billy's hand, unmoving and just warm enough that he could tell he was alive, and whispered to him anything that came to his mind.

If Billy could hear him, he knew he was probably tired of hearing the same stories over and over, thinking of Billy waking up and complaining about Steve being too boring made him chuckle to himself. An instant pang of regret tightens his chest, feeling guilty for being happy.

There was a really sweet nurse about the age of his mother who always checked in on him at the same time everyday, like he was the one with tubes and machines sticking out of his body. Her name was Dale, and she always peeked her head into the room around meal times to ask if he had been down to the cafeteria yet. Usually he hadn’t, and sometimes he still forgot to eat anyways, but it meant a lot to him.

Today though, she came all the way in the room, a sad look on her face, and he had to avoid her gaze entirely to keep himself from breaking down, choosing instead to focus on Billy’s slender fingers where he’d laced them through his own.

“Steve, honey, I know this is really hard for you, it’s hard for all of us when something like this happens, but you need to take care of yourself.” She was just being kind, but he wouldn’t hear it.

If this was going to be the last full day he’d ever spend with Billy, he was going to make it count. A soggy sandwich in the dingy old cafeteria wasn’t worth spending a single moment away from the other boy's bedside. He feels vaguely guilty about it, but he ignores the well meaning nurse, even as she says her generic condolences that all of them were trained to say.

He smooths out Billy's hair, brushing the part that always hung in his eyes to the side carefully, something Billy himself had always seemed to do when he was nervous. It reminds him of the time they tried to do each other's hair and Billy taught him how to make a braid, so he tells Billy about it.

When he hears the distant roar of a car's engine from the open window, it reminds him of the first time Billy drove him home in the now totaled beyond recognition Camaro, so he talks about that. A bird landing on the windowsill reminds him of sitting on Billy’s bed and talking about the seagulls and the beaches back in California where Billy had grown up, so he tells Billy that story too. The phone ringing at the receptionist's desk down the hallway reminds him of the time Billy had called him in the middle of the night to invite him out to the quarry, where they’d kissed for the first time and Steve clumsily asked him to make things official, so again, he told Billy all about it.

It's mostly a comfort to himself, keeping his mind off of the reality of the situation, but then the desk lady announces over the overhead system that visiting hours are over, and it’s time for him to go.

They had been giving him a lot of leeway here at Hawkins General, allowing him to visit every single day and sometimes with a 14 year old, which was strictly against the rules of the ICU. The end of visiting hours was a rule they always stood by though, and despite how much it crushed him to leave Billy by himself overnight, he always did it.

On his way out, he grabbed the stack of papers the receptionist tried to give him off of her desk. He would call Susan in the morning and ask her what she thought. He would try to involve her in the choice, since she’d technically claimed Billy as her dependent after her marriage to his father, who had given enough verbal and written agreements that he wanted nothing at all to do with his son while he was hospitalized that his wife could, and had, stepped in.

He went home that night with the thought in his head that this was the last time he’d do this, and by this time tomorrow, Billy would be dead.

[ivyuns]

come back to me again ❆ ✰

kim seungmin

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 1.8k

warnings: 2018-2020 era, young hearts are broken, mentions of passing out, y/n’s leader name is yerim and other member’s name is sunni, mentions of suicide, fainting, mean comments, strict dieting, one bad word oop, the plot doesnt make sense lol i just wanted a break from landing in your heart, not proofread

notes: i had three story plots i wanted to use but uh yeah i chose this one (maybe ill post all three of them but different members oo) but listen to love again by baekyun, or the cover by minnie <3

masterlist

idol!seungmin x femidol!reader

tell me you love me like the day you did

the day it ended was on a rainy, cold day. seungmin called you to meet up with him, saying he had something to tell you. heading to the jyp building, which wasnt that far from you house.

scanning your id and greeting the staff, you go to the room seungmin was in. knocking twice, you heard a “come in” and opened the door gently. “hi minnie” you smiled at your boyfriend. seungmin waved back with a small smile on his face.

“y/n, come sit here, we need to talk”

going to where seungmin pat the spot for you to sit, he sighs. “i know this is hard, but you know how stray kids is debuting soon?” you nod, knowing where this is leading to. “i- we have to break up” he paused. “but you know i love you right? i promise id come back after three years okay baby?” holding you tears, you looked into his eyes, that are full of sadness.

trying your best to hold your tears in, you gave him one last hug. before parting different ways, seungmin kissed your lips. letting go, you put the promise ring he gave you 2 years ago on his palm and walked away. letting the tears running onto your cheeks as you walked away from the room.

with a sobbing seungmin left alone in the practice room. holding your promise ring made him feel guilty, but it wasnt his fault that he had to do this.

tell me once again, say that you love me again

packing all of seungmins stuff that was at your house and looking though them made your heart burn. from they day he asked you out after school to whenever you two last hung out with each other, which was over 2 months ago.

because now that you and seungmin auditioned to be in the same company, but with seungmin, he had a little bit more talent than you did. it didnt mean you didnt have talent, it just meant you were physically ready to become an idol. still improving, many idols were amazed at how well your singing and dancing was.

finally taping seungmins box, you went to the stray kids dorm and dropped it off and to say goodbye to the boys. deciding to switch to a new company to focus more instead of dealing with you heartbreak.

you rung the doorbell and you come face-to-face with seungmin. handing seungmin the box, you asked if it was okay to say goodbye to the boys, which made seungmin confused. where you going somewhere? ending your dreams?

seungmin moved to the side for you to come in. as seungmin closed the door, a voice was heard. “seungmo! who’s here- oh” looking up, you see minho. your eyes that was red and puffy ran more tears down as you ran up and hugged minho.

minho was in fact the one who introduced you to seungmin. accidentally falling in love with seungmin, you told minho all about it and he eventually told seungmin about your feelings towards him. seungmin, who felt the same way, made the best way to confess to you, which was a success.

minho hugged you back, caressing you back as seungmin looked down and went back to his room. “its okay love, its okay” minho shushed you as you cried into his chest. settling you two in the living room, the whole stray kids but seungmin came out of their rooms, comforting you as they all knew what happened between you and seungmin.

30 minutes passed and you decided it was time to go. giving the boys one last hug, you made sure they’ll have good luck when theyre now idols.

“just know, ill love you guys forever. thank you”

im where ive always been, i still love you

almost 2 years had gone by and you finally debuted into a three member group. with being the main vocalist and dancer. being invited to the award shows, your group gracefully posed on the red carpet, right after stray kids. accidentally locking eyes with seungmin, you almost teared up but you had to be strong.

sitting down in front of stray kids, you grew anxious as if nobody else other than stray kids and yerim knew about your past relationship. stilling having feelings for seungmin, you let them go and paid attention to the show that was now starting.

“hyung, dont you think y/n looks like shes about to pass out?” jeongin asked seungmin. after you left the dorms that day, seungmin didnt know where you were. nobody told him anything about you other than you leaving jyp. you and your group was hidden from social media until your company announced a new girl group was debuting soon.

after seungmin got the news about you, he felt so relieved, knowing that you were still here living. on the pictures online, you looked like a goddess. the way your singing was beautiful and your dancing were sharp. he was amazed at how far you came.

but when seungmin saw you in person, it looked like you were on the verge of passing out due to how thin you looked. it looked like you couldnt perform on what your condition is.

feeling unsteady, your group was the last ones to perform. getting into your costumes, you fell back slightly when yerim pushed you up. after seeing how weak your body has been acting, she was worried something might happen to you on stage. and seeing how you reacted when you saw seungmin again made her worried.

“y/n, are you sure you got this?” yerim asked. nodding your head a yes with a smile on you, you gave her a thumbs up. with the smile that hid everything. yerim nodded her head, your group was ready to perform.

among the three girls that was on the stage, seungmin only looked out for you. anxiety rising, seungmin bit his lips which changbin rubbing his back to calm down.

the end of the performance, you tried your best to stay still, but you only saw blurry vision. as you were about to get off stage, you fainted with your head hitting the floor first. gasping were loud from everyone as yerim and sunni tried to lift you up and go back to the dressing rooms.

as soon as seungmin saw everything, he stood up and tried to run towards you till he was stopped by chan. “seungmin you cant. everyone’s going to find out” “i dont care hyung, the person i love the most is hurt” seungmin said and let go of chan’s hand that was gripped around seungmins wrist.

seungmin runs through the halls and tries to find your groups room. after finding it, he gently pushes away people who are near you and gets a view of you on the couch. “s-seungmin” both sunni and yerim said together. “yerim, what happened to her” seungmin asked, skipping the honorifics since they know each other.

yerim bites her lips with glossy eyes, scared of what to tell seungmin what you’ve been doing. “yerim?! i said whats going on with y/n-” “she tried to kill herself!” seungmin pauses and tries to lets what yerim said sink into him.

“w-what? why?” seungmin asks as tears start streaming down his face, as well as sunni’s and yerim’s. “she was scared. scared that she wasnt going to be perfect to be an idol. she started getting hate comments, saying she was too fat. but this is why shes too thin. she wont listen to us when we tell her she needs to rest and to start eating. all she does is practice with no water breaks but somehow, she still hits every move right. other than that, shes scared of what youll see her like again. she still loves you seungmin, but shes scared”

“sunbae, shes not okay. she needs somebody and that somebody is you”

seungmin was stunned by what yerim and sunni told him. “can- can you two leave us for a moment. please?” seungmin asked quietly as everyone left the room. seungmin starred at your body. eyes closed with you as skinny as your bones. it scared him of how you thought so low about yourself.

he doesnt understand it. he doesnt understand how you got every moves and vocals right without anything. where you like this during your relationship? no, it couldnt. both seungmin and you promised each other that you two will never keep secrets to yourself.

seungmin silently cries to himself, thinking of why you wanted to do this to yourself as he held your hand. his tears slowly fall onto you forearms, which wipes the makeup off of your scars you created, which makes seungmin cry more.

because of you fainting, the award show was paused temporally. with this being said, stray kids got up and quickly went to you room until they were stopped by yerim. “dont, seungmins already in there” all of them nods their heads and waited outside the room with minho dropping down, hands in his face with tears as he remembers when you tried to seek help from him but he never answered because he was too busy.

don't leave me alone baby, just stay for the night baby

still holding your hand, seungmin whispers ‘i love yous’ and ‘im sorry, please forgive me’. gaining conscious, you flutter your eyes open and see seungmin in front of you.

“seungmin?”

he opens his eyes to see you awake. “bab- y/n. thank god” seungmin says and hugs you gently. tears start streaming down as you realized he probably knows everything now. “s-seungmin, did they tell you-” “yes they did. and im sorry. so fucking sorry oh my god, please dont do this again. please eat, please do what you loved to do again. i want the old y/n back, the happy one” seungmin lets out.

“okay, ill come back” you told him. seungmin wipes your tears away, as well as his and plants a kiss on your lips. “come back to me again?” nodding your head, you both smile. this time, a real and happy smile from you.

the awards continued on and your group won an award. chan offered your group if they wanted to come for dinner, you were going to decline, but yerim, sunni and seungmin forced you to, wanting you to start eating again.

heading out, the eleven of you walked to the nearest korean bbq while holding seungmin’s hand. feeling the warmth youve been missing for 2 years.

tell me your love again.

END <3

[whosaskingwrites]

The Sound Of Love (Tsukishima x Reader)

A/N: Um I don't like this one as much as the others but I did my best. It honestly took forever cause I didn't want to write it and I had no idea what song to use but I eventually decided so here we are.

WARNINGS: angst

Date: Saturday November 7th, 2020

Details: 5.3 pages 2,000 words

Theme: Musicalia- The victim will hear a song constantly playing in their head until it drives them insane. The person of affection will only hear the music when they are around the victim.

Angst Masterlist

Clair De Lune

A simple, beautiful piano melody that had been repeating in my head for weeks. There was never a reprieve from the beautifully haunting melody. My mind followed the sound like a moth to a flame and deteriorated the closer it got to the music.

No amount of holding my hands over my ears stopped it. It had become a part of me like the backround music in a video game or movie. However this wasn't a video game or a movie this was real. Every day was the same never a rest I couldn't even sleep some nights.

This was my last week at Karasuno before I was put in the hospital. My mind was too far gone to stay out I couldn't really hear anything anymore to distracted by the music and of course I hummed it on occasion. Everyone in my classes knew I had it...Musicalia but they didn't know who caused it.

Monday

I walked to class with a sigh Yamaguchi was following and as we walked I heard a gentle piano melody that got louder. I spotted a familiar H/c haired girl fast walking past me like she'd done since I pushed her away. Yamaguchi followed my eyesight and the music faded the further away she got "you should apologize you know. This week is her last at Karasuno," I blinked 'her last week?' I thought "Shut up Yamaguchi," I said keeping my emotions off my face "Sorry Tsukki," I continued watching the S/c skinned female rush off down the hall.

Tuesday

I was walking up to the roof ready to reject another girl. Why they felt the need to confess to me of all people id never understand. As I rounded the corner someone ran into me and with a short shriek they fell. I was about to say something when I noticed who it was...Y/n she looked paler than I remembered and eye bags were prevalent on her face. I heard the piano again it was louder than ever.

"Do you need to listen to music that loud?" I asked though it was harsher than intended. Her eyes widened and I held back a frown as I saw she was afraid. "S-sorry," she stood up quickly and ran off down the hall the music fading the further she got and I watched 'why was she afraid of me?' My eyes caught something on the floor which I turned to. Picking it up I realized it was a simple gold bracelet with a dinosaur charm on it.

"This is...," It was the bracelet id given her three years ago on her birthday. It was still in perfect condition looking like it did on the day I'd given it to her and it caused a small smile to pull at my lips as I pocketed the familiar bracelet.

Wednesday

Everytime I spotted the e/c eyed female in the hallway and approached her she would turn and run the music following her. Nobody ever seemed bothered by the piano it was almost like they didn't hear it and Y/n was never wearing headphones when it was playing. "Does she ever stop listening to that song?" I mumbled to myself as she ran away yet again.

"What song?" Yamaguchi asked next to me I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at him. "What do you mean what song? That damn piano music she's always listening to it's annoying," I said and Yamaguchi’s eyes widened "Tsukki...She's not listening to any music...," He stated.

I blinked as I processed what that meant "No ive heard it-," Yamaguchi cut me off before I could continue he had a sad look in his eyes and as he spoke I realized why. "She's got Musicalia Tsukki...," He whispered as he looked at me. "She...She what?" I asked. "She's got Musicalia and if you can hear it that means...," my own eyes widened as I realized what he was implying. "Oh...,"

Thursday

Cornering someone who was avoiding you was much more difficult than you'd think. Everytime I ended up even in the same room as her she ran before I could even get near her. "Yamaguchi," I stated causing him to jump. "Yeah?" He nervously asked. "Can you convince Y/n to meet you on the roof?" I asked. He didn't ask any questions he just nodded mumbling a quiet yeah as the teacher walked in the room.

I stood on the roof looking out towards the gym. I heard footsteps come around the corner and stop before they slowly started backing away. "Can you stop running? I need to talk to you," I said. The footsteps stopped and I turned around. Y/n stood a few feet away nervously shuffling on her feet.

"When were you gonna tell me?" I asked and she sighed "Preferably never," She answered and I furrowed my eyebrows. "Never? This could kill you!" I took a step toward her while she took one back "So what?" She spit bitterly rasing her head up to glare. "So what? So everything!" I shouted.

"So everything? You dont even fucking like me! You made that pretty clear last year!" She yelled back. She was referencing an argument that I barely remembered and that she hadn't forgotten. "Do you even know what its like to have your heart crushed in seconds!?" She screamed. "You still should have told me you have Musicalia!" I glared back. 

She just gave me a bitter smile "I suppose my dear this was how it was meant to be," she stretched her arms out as she spoke and tears dripped down her face at a slow pace. "You dying isn't how it's supposed to be!" She only shook her head in response. I stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out the bracelet. "Here...just take this back," I said holding it out. She walked forward and I heard that gentle and haunting music get louder.

She stopped closing my hand around the bracelet and leaning up to press a kiss against my cheek. "Keep it I won't have a use for it much longer," she mumbled before turning and walking off. "Y/n!" She stopped but didn't turn around and I continued speaking. "I love you," she sighed and turned her head. The sunset cast her in an ethereal glow and sparkled off the remaining tears on her face.

She gave a sad, watery smile in response. "No you don't Tsukki. If you did...You would have come back to me a lot sooner," she turned and left I knew she was right but god it hurt to hear her say that. My hand was still tightly closed around the bracelet the metal uncomfortably warm against my skin as she walked away from me.

Friday

She avoided me even more. I never saw her but I heard the music following around on occasion. After yesterday I had looked for the melody finally hearing it long enough to search for it. The results had told me the song was Clair De Lune I should have known. It was Y/n's favorite song though I doubted she liked it now.

I had tried to find her when I heard the music but even if I followed it I never found her. I was walking toward my locker keeping an ear out for that melody. As I opened the locker a f/c envelope fell out as I picked it up I noticed it was sealed with a gold wax stamp. Flipping it over my name was written on the front in flowing cursive. I put it away in my bag before heading to practice.

I flipped the envelope around in my hand staring at it before sighing. I pulled open the envelope and slipped the contents out. The first was a photo of me, Y/n, and Yamaguchi we were standing in the park in the photo. Y/n and Yamaguchi had their arms over eachothers shoulders while I stood in the background glaring towards the camera.

The other thing was a letter that I was hesitant to flip open. I knew the letter was from Y/n but I for the first time felt afraid on what she had to say. Sighing I opened the letter ready to read it.

Dear Kei,

It's been awhile hasn't it? Though That's what happens after fights. You give each other time to calm down and then you come back. Only this time...There is no coming back. You already know I have Musicalia and I'm sure you know I love you. It's weird to write that to someone you know doesn't love you.

Don't lie either. You don't love me the way I love you. You may think you do but if you had we would have been friends again by now. But you were perfectly content with not having me in your life so I know you'll be fine when I'm actually gone.

That's the issue isn't it? I'll be gone soon really, truly...gone. I'm not afraid knowing my death is approaching im...content and at peace with it. My death won't be glorious. I'm not going out with a bang. Or any final inspirational words. I'll go quietly in my sleep hopefully. Sleep however is hard when there's music constantly playing on loop in your head.

When I'm gone Kei...Will you visit me? Tell me about your day or the volleyball team! Yamaguchi told me about the team you should go easier on them. You should also learn from them you know? Anyways if you ever can't make it to me...Play Clair De Lune and I'll go to you! I'll listen to you talk at your place instead of you coming to mine!

I'm sure you know by now that this is my goodbye letter. Don't act so suprised of course I want to say goodbye to you. You're important to me you should know that. I've written this for awhile but I wanted it to be a good final goodbye since its immortalized forever in a letter. If you share this with anyone I'll kill you by the way. Even in death I still have a reputation. Anyway...

Goodbye Kei

I love you

—Y/n L/n

A month had passed since she said goodbye I moved forward even though it hurt to not see her around school. It almost felt like she moved but that imagine was ruined whenever I visited her grave. "Hey Tsukki I didn't know you liked dinosaurs!" I sighed in irritation my eyes flicking towards Kuroo who was pointing at my wrist.

"Wow that's cool!" Bokuto joined in and my eyes drifted to the golden bracelet around my wrist. "It's not mine," I stated drinking my water. "Whos is it?" Akaashi asked and I sighed again. "My friend Y/n’s...She's gone now and I'd rather not talk about it," I said standing up and heading back to the net. None of them said anything more about it and I was grateful for that.

Later that night I closed my eyes and played the song that I had grown very familiar with. It was quiet except for the soft melody playing through my headphones. While my eyes were closed I felt the familiar pressure on my body like someone was laying on my chest. If I listened through my headphones close enough I could almost hear her soft voice humming the song. 

I knew in my brain it was impossible but for now I let my heart believe that it was her. I talked quietly about anything and everything that came to mind. The team was sleeping so I knew I could talk freely most of them slept like they were in a coma. I sighed as I reached the end of my story before I spoke once more.

"I miss you Y/n,"

————————————————————————

TAGLIST: @wonhomarshmallow

[walkerwords]

“The Bowman’s Sister” Part 3 of 4 - Daryl & Sister!Reader

GIF CREDIT: AMC

PART I  PART II PART IV

Word Count: 3030

Daryl Dixon & Sister!Reader (Rick x Reader in future)

Warning: None

Song I Wrote To: “World Gone Mad” by Bastille

Note: I didn’t put a summary on this one cause it’s def a filler chapter. I don’t remember who exactly gets bit during the flu pandemic thing in the cell blocks so I made it pretty vague. All i really wanted to do here was touch on the friendship that is growing with Rick and (Y/N). The next chapter will have some violence etc since one eyed wonder makes a reappearance. 

-------

You jogged down the stairs of the watchtower, passing Tyreese on the way as he headed for his shift. 

You had finally convinced Carl to get some sleep after you kept finding him hiding away in the tower in the middle of the night. He agreed to let you keep watch as long as you taught him to use a bow. You felt that was a fair trade so you had agreed.

You and the younger Grimes had bonded pretty quickly. He reminded you of how Daryl was as a kid. Always running around getting into trouble and making sure everyone was okay. You could tell he was developing a hard exterior but still had that childlike innocence when holding his baby sister or tending to anyone who was hurt. He had a lot of his dad in him and you figured the rest was his late mother and those who were helping to raise him. 

You decided early on that Carl Grimes would be someone you’d lay your life on the line for and not just because he was a kid. But because he was one of the only good ones left in the world. 

Walking back towards the cell block, you ran into Rick. He was coming out of D when he spotted you. He gave you a quick wave as you made your way over to him. “Another late night?” he asked, fatigue weighing on him clear as day. Since the run that you, Daryl, Glenn, and Rick had gone on, you had noticed that he was distancing himself a bit more here and there. When you asked Daryl about Rick’s odd behavior at times, he just shrugged and told you that sometimes the new world screws with people. You decided not to push it further. 

“Just tryin’ to earn my keep,” you said to Rick, stretching out your shoulders. Rick nodded, looking past you towards the main yard. 

“You’ve been staying out late a lot lately,” he said. “Sleep is actually a good thing, you know?” he joked. You chuckled slightly. 

“Yeah, but if sleep won’t come, no point in tryin’ to force it when I can take over for someone who actually needs it,” you pointed out. 

“Like my kid?” 

“He’s not invincible even if he thinks he is,” you said, tilting your head up to look at the night sky. 

“Thanks,” he said. You look back to him. “He doesn’t listen to me much anymore, so it’s good you can get him to get some shut-eye.” You shrugged off his thanks. 

“Boys his age are always rebellin’,” you said, “I doubt that’s gonna change in the Apocalypse.” Rick laughed, running a hand through his messy curls. The two of you started to walk. You didn’t have a particular destination in mind, but you didn’t care. It was nice to just be outside, safe, and having a conversation. You talked about everything from what the two of you did before the Turn to why he decided to use a prison as their new home. 

“It wasn’t easy,” Rick said, “We slept in the main field the first night. Cleared it of Walkers and then dealt with the rest of it the next day.”

“You know what? I’m surprised more people didn’t think to head to a prison in the first place. Or at least an abandoned one,” You said. “Hey, I bet Alcatraz is a hit right now.” Rick laughed at your joke, smiling wide.

“It is on an island,” he pointed out. 

“Exactly. Do you think Walkers can swim?”

“Oh god, I hope not,” Rick said, eyes wide in mock horror. “That’s the last thing we need.” You laugh, trying not to imagine Michael Phelps going full 2000 Olympics while gnashing his jaw. 

“Where did that word even come from? Walker?” you asked, remembering how weird it was to hear that first night in the cell block. 

“I heard it shortly after I woke up in the hospital,” Rick explained, “A man, Morgan, he saved my life and that’s what he called it when he shot it in the street.” 

“Hospital?” you asked, confused. 

“Yeah, I was shot before this all happened,” he said, gesturing around. “I was in a coma and didn’t wake up. My partner tried to get me out, but he had to go save Lori and Carl, make sure they were safe. He thought I died, you know?” 

“I would have thought the same thing,” you said, “you’re a lucky son of a bitch. Must have been terrifying waking up to all of this.” 

“It was...disorienting. I thought I was in Hell. Then when Morgan explained to me what was going on, I couldn’t believe it. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes…” he trailed off. “But then I met Glenn in Atlanta and he brought me back to my family.”

“Crazy how sometimes you just meet the right people at the right time, isn’t it?” you said, looking at him in the dark. He looked at you and smiled softly. 

“Yeah, it is,” he was quiet for a moment before he noticed the ring that was still on your finger. You twisted it around with your thumb absently. “You know, if you ever want to talk about him, I’m here,” he said, gesturing to the ring.

“Thanks,” you said. “It’s funny, I haven’t actually spoken about him since he died. Nobody to talk to and I know that’s why Daryl worries about me. He doesn’t get why I don’t want to talk about them, but I just don’t know what to say. It’s not like I can change anythin’.”

“No, but maybe the more people who know about them, can help keep their memory alive,” Rick offered. You thought about it for a moment before nodding, more to yourself than him. 

“Thanks, Rick,” you said. He reached over and squeezed your shoulder briefly. “And that goes for you too,” you finished. He let out a breath and nodded as well, already understanding what you were offering. “You know, being out here, it reminds me of when Merle was locked up the first time,” you said, changing the subject. 

“The first time?” he asked. 

“Oh, yeah, my big brother was the biggest pain in the ass. Especially when it came to the county sheriff,” you laughed. “The first time, he and Daryl were being idiots as usual. I was at school, I think, and the boys decided to race motorcycles down by the tracks. Merle’s moronic friends were tryin’ to get Daryl to steal a bike nearby. I think it belonged to some kid that was a few years older than Merle. Daryl, of course, wanted to do it so he seemed cool in front of Merle’s asshole ‘friends’, but big brother said no and that he would be the one to do it.” You smiled as you thought about the day you got the call from Daryl who was concerned about the whole thing. “Turns out the owner was actually home and the bike was a lot more expensive than everyone first thought.”

“And let me guess,” Rick interjected, “Merle broke the bike.”

“Along with three bones and a bunch of other property damage and that was before he even got back to the tracks,” you said with an exasperated sigh. “Dad was pissed and since Merle was eighteen, he got charged and booked. I took Daryl to go see him while he did his time. Never liked bein’ near jails. Pretty ironic I’m living in one now.” You laughed quietly to yourself, but then you realized Rick was quiet. You looked at him, trying to see his face in the dark. “What is it? Am I really not that funny?” you tried. Rick cracked a small smile before it disappeared again.

“No, that’s not it,” he said before taking a deep breath. “I guess it’s just weird hearing about your brothers when they were younger.” Rick rubbed the back of his neck before glancing at you. His face was solemn and something was clearly bothering him. “I’m sorry about Merle.” 

“That wasn’t your fault, Rick. Daryl told me what the Governor did,” you told him, but he was shaking his head. 

“No, not about...not about that. I’m sorry about leavin’ him in the first place,” he said, but you were confused. 

“What are you talkin’ about?” 

“Daryl didn’t tell you about what happened in Atlanta?” you shrugged. 

“He said y’all got separated after you ran into a large herd. Daryl said you went back for him, but you couldn’t find him. I’m surprised you even did that, from what Carol and Glenn said, Merle was very...Merle while stayin’ with ya.” Rick nodded, keeping his eyes on the ground. 

“It was my fault,” he said softly, the toe of his boot digging into the gravel.

“What was?” you asked, your voice low as well. Rick finally looked up at you and that weight was even heavier in his eyes. “Rick, what happened?”

“Merle was out of control,” he explained, “he was shootin’ Walkers on the rooftop, the shots bringing more and more towards the building we were in and he was just runnin’ his mouth. Kept mouthin’ off to another guy we were with, using slurs and whatnot.” You sighed at the information. You knew Merle could be a complete asshole, especially if he was using, and based on what Rick was saying, that was definitely the case. “He got into a fight,” Rick continued, “he was gonna get us killed so I handcuffed him to the roof, to one of the pipes. When we went back to get him before we left, one of the men, T-Dog, he dropped the key and…”

“You had to leave him,” you finished. Rick nodded, his hand coming up to rub at his brow. 

“We went back for him, I swear,” he said, his eyes never leaving yours, “but he was gone when we got back up to the roof. He had cut his own arm off to get out of the cuffs. He made his way out of the city and we didn’t see him again until Woodbury. I’m sorry, (Y/N), if I hadn’t of cuffed him to that roof, he may have been alive right now.” 

“Or he would have pissed someone else off and gotten himself shot or gotten too high and stumbled right into a Walker,” you told him. “I loved my brother, with everythin’ I had, but I wasn’t blind to his idiotic tendencies. Daryl either. We both knew how reckless and stupid Merle was. Hell, if I had been on that roof, I may have done the same thing. You were fightin’ to survive, you don’t have to apologize for that.” Rick stared at you in complete awe. 

“How can you be so...okay with all of that?” he asked. You reached out and took his hand, giving it a tight squeeze.

“Because I know you didn’t intend to leave him to die. I can tell you that much. I’m rather good at readin’ people,” you said with a small smile. 

“Because you’re a shrink?” he asked, his shoulders dropping a bit more. 

“Because I pay attention and I know who’s good and who’s not and you Rick Grimes, are one of the good ones,” you said. “So, don’t apologize. At least not to me. You have to start thinkin’ about what’s next.”

“And what is next, (Y/N)?” he asked. 

“I haven’t quite figured that out,” you said, letting go of his hand, “but when I do, I will make sure to tell ya. Deal?” He nodded. 

“Sounds good to me, Dixon,” he said with a smile. You smiled back and before you said anything else, a scream echoed from the cell blocks. You and Rick looked at each other before taking off towards the block. Rick pulled his gun as he ran and you cursed yourself for only bringing your knife with you. You pulled it from your belt as your boots pounded against the ground. 

You both reached the block just as a Walker stumbled out of a cell, it’s face covered in fresh blood. Two more followed, reaching for your friends as they fought them off. Stabbing the closest one in the head, Rick shot the others that reached for a scared woman. 

It was chaos in the prison as people screamed and the Dead rose. The noise only agitated the others that pressed against the fences outside. In the dark, you split off from Rick, searching frantically for your brother. You didn’t know if he was on watch or if he had gone off on his own. You were just praying that when you found him, he would still be breathing. 

You ran through the corridors, looking for Daryl. The gunshots from the block had finally calmed down, but you could feel the fear in the air. Your mind raced as you tried to think of ways that the Walkers could have gotten into the block. You and Michonne had just checked the tombs that morning, securing the entrances. Then there was the fact that the individual blocks were always locked just in case. 

Gripping your knife, you ran back down the hallway and pushed through the metal door, exiting into the night air. Suddenly, something grabbed your arm and you raised your blade, ready to drive it home. “(Y/N)! Stop, it’s me!” your arm froze as you focused on Daryl. He was breathing heavily as he looked at you. You relaxed, pulling him into a hug. He hugged you back, squeezing you tight. 

“You okay?” you asked as you stepped back, checking his exposed skin for bites. 

“M’fine, you?” 

“Yeah, just a bit out of breath,” you said. “What happened?” 

“Looks like some kid got sick, died in his sleep. He turned and bit others.” 

“Our own people were the Walkers?” you asked, sheathing your knife. 

“Ya,” he said with a frown. 

“Shit, that’s rough,” you said. Daryl nodded in agreement, before grabbing your arm. “What are you doin?” you asked as he dragged you toward the administration building. “Daryl?”

“How do ya feel? Ya feel sick?” 

“No, I feel fine. Where are we goin’?” 

“Whatever is goin’ on, I’m not lettin’ you get it,” he said as he pushed into the building. Carl was already there, holding his baby sister. 

“So you’re taking me to an abandoned hallway?” you asked, confused. 

“We need meds,” he said. “Till we get em’, yer stayin’ in here,” he said, finally letting you go.

“You’re puttin’ me in quarantine?” you asked, your brows going high. 

“Damn right I am,” he said, handing you his spare gun. “Ya never had a good immune system to begin with. I ain’t takin’ any chances.”

“Daryl‒”

“Nah,” he interjected, “yer gonna listen to me for once, (Y/N). Don’t try to play big sister right now. Just do this one thing for me and stay here, alright?” You wanted to argue, but then he said something that made you shut up. “I can’t lose you like I lost Merle.” You sighed and nodded. 

“Okay, Daryl,” you said, moving the loose strands of hair from his face. “I’ll stay with Carl,” you promised. “Just come back in one piece,” you said, already knowing he would be one of the first to volunteer to go look for the meds they needed. Daryl nodded and kissed your forehead. He then turned to Carl. 

“Watch out for my sister, kid,” Daryl said. Carl nodded, standing up a bit straighter at Daryl’s words. He squeezed your arm once more before leaving the building and locking it behind him. 

“Guess it’s just you and me, Grimes one and two,” you said, sliding down against the wall. You sat, letting your legs stretch out in front of you. Carl joined you a second later, carefully resting Judith in his lap. 

“Shouldn’t it be Grimes two and three?” he asked.

“Nah, you two are definitely the top two Grimes in my book,” you said with a small smile. Carl smiled up at you before playing with his sister’s little hands. “Don’t worry about her,” you said, easily reading his expression, “she’s a lot stronger than she looks. She’s gonna be fine.”

“How do you know?” Carl asked, his voice a bit smaller than usual. 

“Didn’t Daryl tell you?” you asked, gaining his attention, “I’m psychic,” you whispered. Carl rolled his eyes but laughed nonetheless. 

“Maybe psycho, but not psychic,” Carl joked. You placed your hand on your chest in surprise. 

“Wow, Grimes, never thought you’d be so cruel. I don’t know how our friendship can survive this.” Carl snorted at your words. 

“Didn’t realize we were friends,” he said, still smiling. 

“And I didn’t realize your daddy never taught you to be nice to people who teach you valuable skills,” you said, nudging his foot with yours. 

“I’ll work on it,” he said just as Judith yawns. 

“I agree with her,” you said, leaning back and closing your eyes. “Judith has the right idea.” You then felt Carl shift next to you, leaning into you and putting his head on your shoulder as Judith lay across both of your legs. You didn’t open your eyes as you sat with the Grimes children. Your lack of sleep lost the battle with your worries about Daryl and the sickness that had come to the prison and soon the three of you were sleeping peacefully. 

At the end of the hallway, Rick peered in through the window and watched as you held onto his kids, protecting them and offering them security. He wasn’t the best at trusting people in this new world, but he liked you and liked your spirit. It was easy to be your friend and he loved how easily you and Carl bonded. He only hoped that you would be around for them and Daryl. 

However, unbeknownst to him, things were going to get much worse and very soon and it wasn’t just a virus that crept up on the prison, but an enemy that lay in wait. 

[khiphop-stories]

Getting Off The Wrong Foot

[Christian Yu | Chapter XI]

Previous Chapters:

Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III | Chapter IV | Chapter V | Chapter VI | Chapter VII | Chapter VIII | Chapter IX | Chapter X

“Are you falling for me too?“ He asked, his eyes locked with yours. Your widened eyes rested on him, not blinking. You spent a few seconds staring at him, your brain unable to formulate a thought. It was a question you didn’t expect at all, especially not coming for him.

“You’re worried? Wanna make a run for it?“ You then broke out into a deep rumbling laughter. Joking - that’s how you dealt with situations you weren’t comfortable with. He couldn’t have been serious anyway, could he? But unlike yours, his face showed no sign of amusement. Usually he would join you and laugh at your jokes, even if they weren’t funny to begin with. But this time, not a muscle on his face twitched. He looked at you deadpan. Was he afraid that you might cling onto him like other girls did? Was he afraid to lose his freedom?

“You’ve been a good friend to me, plus the sex is good. But that’s it. You’re safe. Nothing to be worried about. I’m not falling for you, Christian,” you assured him and you meant it. How could you fall in love with him, when your heart still belonged to someone else? He sighed shortly. Was it a sigh of relief or disappointment? You couldn’t read the expression on his face nor could you guess what was going through his mind right now. You had agreed early on that this would only be physical thing. Why was he suddenly worried about it turning into something more? Admittedly you were a hopeless romantic, but you weren’t over Kiseok yet and he knew, it was the reason you slept with him in the first place. If you had met him under different circumstances, maybe then things would have been different. But there was no room, to think about what ifs. 

“Good, ‘cause I’m really not looking for a relationship,” he then said with a confidence that didn’t sound very convincing, but you shook it off with a shrug. You didn’t want to start questioning him now.

“Good, me neither,” you agreed with him.

~*~

Keeping up the act was quite exhausting and you were slowly beginning to regret having agreed to it in the first place. It didn’t cross your mind that fooling his family wouldn’t be as easy as you had imagined. They knew him inside out while you barely had gotten to know him. You spent most of your time with physical activities and afterwards you were both so exhausted you would go straight to sleep. There was no room for pillow talks. So when his relatives told you stories about him, it felt as though they were describing a completely different person, a stranger. You learned a lot more about him in the span of a few hours than you did over the past few weeks. Ever since you stepped inside this house your entire body felt tensed, you were in constant fear that someone might see through it. Despite your worries, the afternoon went by without any mishaps on your part. You just had to endure a couple more hours, before you could go home, you thought to yourself. But before you could face his relatives again, you needed a moment to yourself. A moment where you could be yourself, not Christian’s fake girlfriend. When nobody was paying attention to you, you quickly escaped to the balcony that was attached to the living room. You took a slow controlled breath and attempted to loosen your body movements. You felt the fresh spring breeze fill your lungs. Winter hadn’t fully passed yet, it was still rather cold outside. Crossing your arms, you leaned them against the railing. Your eyes watched the sun slowly setting behind the buildings at the horizon. The sun casted it golden rays down upon the rooftops, painting the sky shades of orange and pink. Taking this beautiful sight in, your body could finally relax a little.

You heard the balcony door open and close behind you. You didn’t turn around, because you knew the sound of those footsteps. Christian stepped next to you and also leaned against the railing, his eyes following yours, taking in the picture-perfect sight in front of you.

“Are you cold?” He asked when he saw how lightly you were dressed. Without waiting for your answer, he slid the suit jacked down his shoulders, but you stopped him midway. You pulled it back over his shoulders, adjusting it neatly.

“Keep it on. You just recovered from your cold,” you reminded him. He had been lying sick in bed the past few days. Since his fever was quite high you dropped by almost every day after work to check on him. He didn’t really have anyone else to take care of him so you took it upon yourself. It was in your nature as the elder sister to worry too much. You were used to taking care of your sick brother, it wasn’t any different with Christian. It were the same symptoms and you knew exactly what he needed to heal quickly. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized out of the blue.

You turned your head to the side, looking at him through narrowed eyes. You didn’t understand what he was apologzing for. “My family can be a pain in the arse.”

You shook your head at him with a little smile planted on your lips. “They’re lovely people.” “You think?”

“My family is not that big. I only have an uncle. He never had kids so I’ve never experienced something like this. It’s quite fun, except for the interrogation part,” you chuckled lightly. It was the first time you experienced a family reunion like this. Your own family wasn’t that close, you never met up for holidays or birthdays. Your uncle only ever called when he needed something. 

“You’re lucky my aunt hasn’t found the time to talk to you yet,” he told you playfully as he lightly nudged your elbow with his. “I don’t think she can be worse than your cousins.”

“Why? What did they do?” A wide grin played on his lips.

“They asked way too many questions! It felt like my brain was exploding coming up with lies to tell,” you whined. “What kind of questions did they ask?” “How we met, who confessed first, if you’re romantic, how our sex life is, if you treat me good,—“

“Our sex life?” Christian repeated with arched brows. You could see the smug smirk on his lips even though he was trying to hide it. Of course, out of everything you had said, it was that part that caught his attention. “What did you say?” “I said it was good,” you shrugged your shoulders nonchalantly, deciding to completely omitting the part where you fantasized about him.

“Just good? That’s an understatement, you make me look bad!” He grabbed his chest, pretending to feel offended. “You should have said that I am the best you ever had.”

“That would’ve been a lie though,” you immediately retorted without thinking.

“I’m not your best?” He asked you in a high-pitched voice, looking at you in disbelief. “Who is then?”

Christian was, but you didn’t want to admit it to someone whose ego was as big as his. No, you would never admit it to him, because then you wouldn’t hear the end of it. “Kiseok?” He took a guess as you didn’t answer his question. Even now you remained silent. “The way you described him I thought he was a rather selfish lover. Guess he was doing something right,” he then said trying to provoke a reaction from you. Suddenly Christian shifted in his position. He stood in front of you, his hands grabbing the railing, his arms either side of you trapping you in between. 

“Let me redeem myself, then.” He leaned his muscular body against yours, pressing your back against the cold railing. You felt a shiver run down your spine. “I’ll be the best you ever had.” One of his hand slid under your dress, pushing the soft fabric up your thighs. Then it worked its way to your butt, giving it a tight squeeze. His head moved closer and  he covered your mouth with his in a hungry kiss.

“Your family, Christian,” you reminded him sharply as you were struggling to push him away. Truth be told, you actually didn’t want him to stop there, but you weren’t going to embarrass yourself today. Not in front of so many strangers that he called his family. It was only a glass door that separated you from his entire family. Even though they couldn’t see you because of the thick curtain hanging over the door, it was too risky. Somebody could have come barging  in at any given moment. 

“I don’t think I can wait ‘till we get home,” he groaned at the loss of contact. He tried to kiss you again, but you quickly turned your head to the side. Then you felt something hard pressing against your lower abdomen. You lowered your gaze and your jar dropped open at the sight of the bulge in his pants. “You’re unbelievable, Christian,” you shook your head at him as you threw him a glare.

“I can’t help it,” he whined. He bit down on his bottom lip as his eyes caressed your body. 

“You look so sexy today,” he whispered in your ear, before kissing your ear lobe. You felt his hot, uncontrolled breath brushing against your skin. “C’mon, Min.” “Nope,” you shook your head. “Your whole family is right on the other side of the door!”

“Don’t make me beg for it,” he whispered in a pleading tone. He almost had you there, the expression on his face, his deep voice and the way he was looking at you. It was too much for you to handle, you needed to get out of there, before you would give in to him. 

“Take care of it yourself,” you told him, trying to sound as cold and sharp as possible. You smoothly wriggled out of his arms and walked towards the door. “Fuck,” a deep groan left his mouth. “Can you at least stay with me until…my dick has calmed down.”

“Fine,” you turned back again and walked towards him as your eyes mustered him.

“Shit, Minhee, don’t look at me like that. It’s not helping,” he complained out of the blue. “That’s my face!” “Turn around,” he ordered. Not waiting for you to follow his instructions, he grabbed your shoulders and turned you the other way. He closed his eyes, trying to distract himself, trying not to think about the things he wanted to do with you. But the image of your naked body kept reappearing inside of his head and he was getting more and more turned on by the second. “I just took a huge dump today,” you said out of the blue. His eyes shot open. “What?” “It was really nasty and it smelt horribly.” You thought the more disgusting the story you invented was, the quicker his erection would disappear.

“That’s information I didn’t need to know.”

“Did it help though?” “Not at all,” he shook his head with a laugh.“I’m gonna go to the restroom.You need to cover for me though.” He walked behind you so nobody could see his little friend down there. When you reached the restroom, you parted with him. You went back to the living room where the party was at. As you were standing in the room like a lost puppy, his mother walked over to you and kept you company. Although she did ask you a couple questions, she didn’t make you feel like you were being interrogated. The way she was speaking to you, you were the one that wanted to tell her more about yourself. That’s the power she had. You ended up revealing a bit more about yourself than you had originally planned. 

“To be honest, I was a bit scared he wouldn’t be able to love again after Nayeon.”

It was the first time someone mentioned the name of his ex and judging by the how softly she spoke about her, she must have liked her quite a bit. His ex must have gotten along well with his mother. She probably fooled her just like she had Christian wrapped around her fingers. But how was what you were doing right now any different to how his ex played everybody? You weren’t being truthful either, so how could you condemn someone else for doing exactly what you were doing right now.

“He’s someone with a big heart. He just needs to find the right person to give it to. I’m really glad he’s found you. When he told me about you he was grinning from ear to ear. I missed that boyish, carefree look on him. He seems to be really fond of you.” “I don’t think so,” you blurted out without thinking. His mother had such high hopes for you, it didn’t feel right to be lying to her.

“Don’t say something like that, dear. Rome wouldn’t introduce a girl he wasn’t serious about to the family. And I can see why he likes you so much.” “No…he…I-I mean…” you stuttered when you couldn’t find the right words to explain the situation. “We’re not really dating. I’m sorry for lying to you,“ you blurted out without thinking.

“If you’re not his girlfriend, then…” His mother looked at you confused. “I’m just a friend. He asked me to come, because his aunts were pressuring him so much. I’m really sorry.” “It’s ok, dear. My sisters can be kind of…obtrusive sometimes,” she agreed with a laugh. She didn’t seem to be caught off guard by the new information. You expected her to be angry with you, but she seemed to be taking it rather relaxed.  

“But your son is a really great guy. I’m sure he’ll find the right person,” you meant what you said. Those were probably the first true words that you had said today. 

“Sometimes you miss the forest for the trees.”

“What do you mean?” “Never mind. There he is, I’ll leave you two alone,” she nodded to Christian who had just  appeared in the crowd. 

~*~

“What were you talking about with my mum?” “I kinda fucked up. I’m sorry,” you admitted straight away as you swallowed down. “What happened?”

“I couldn’t lie to your mom. She knows we’re just pretending.” You expected him to be angry. He had been a great emotional support to you without asking for anything in return. It was only one simple favor, yet you couldn’t even manage to get through the day without messing up. “Well, it’s my mum,” he sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “She probably knew anyway.”

“You’re not angry?”

“Why would I be?” He looked at you dumbfounded as he let out a laugh. “I got my aunts off my back. That’s what I wanted in the first place.”

“I’ll go get some drinks.” “No,” you hurriedly grabbed his hand, pulling him back. “Please don’t leave me alone with your family,” you said with panic in your eyes. You weren’t sure you would survive another interrogation by his cousins. 

“Okay,” he chuckled softly. “I won’t leave your side.” “You can let me go, you know?” He looked down and your eyes followed his. You didn’t realize you were still holding his hand until he pointed it out.

“Sorry,” you quickly pulled your hand back as if touching fire while an awkward chuckle left your lips.

~*~

[Time leap]

“Mum, we’re heading home first. Minhee has a meeting early in the morning.“

“Where is she?“ His mother looked left and right, searching for you.”She’s waiting in the car.“ Christian wanted to bid goodbye to his mother, but after the incident between you and his mother, it didn’t feel right to appear in front of her again. You felt too guilty for lying.

“Confess to her before it’s too late.“ “What?“ He looked at his mother with big eyes, completely startled by her words. “Mum, it’s not like that. I just asked her to pretend to be my girflfriend, so I won’t have to go on those stupid blind dates.“ “Rome, when do you ever learn that you cannot deceive your own mother? I know my son. And I know when he is in love.”

“I’m not in love with her. Really. She’s a just good friend,“ he denied again as he shook his head. He knew once his mother was set on something, there was no changing her mind whether she was actually right or wrong. But why was he so adamant in proving her wrong right now? Whom was he trying to convince?

“Don’t wait too long or you might miss your chance.“

“I don’t even like her that way. Neither does she,” he tried to explain to his mother. 

“I see the way you look at her. That’s not the look of someone who’s looking at his friend…” “Mum, it’s really not like that. She’s a good friend…and she’s in love with someone else anyway. She was just trying to help me out because I asked her.”

“If you wait too long to acknowledge your feelings, you might lose her.”

~*~

Ever since Christian returned to the car he had been rather quiet. He didn’t talk a lot throughout the ride and it made you wonder if you had said something to irritate him. You tried to backtrack your conversations with him. He didn’t seem angry when you had told him that his mother knew the truth. He was still goofing around with you afterwards. It was only after he went in again to say goodbye to his mother that his mood suddenly changed. It must have had something to do with his mother, you concluded. “Did your mom scold you? I’m sorry. It just didn’t feel right to lie to her.“ “Nah everything’s good,“ Christian quickly shook it off and gave you a reassuring smile. It was a half-hearted smile. You could tell his mind was somewhere else and he didn’t put in much effort to hide it. 

“Why are you so quiet then?“ You probed further. “I’m just a bit tired.“ He closed his eyelids and crossed his arms in front of his chest, sinking into the seat. You reached out one of your hands while the other held the wheel, your eyes still focused on the roads. You touched his forehead to check his temperature which made him flinch. “What are you doing?“ He pushed himself into an upright position, his full attention now on you. “Checking your temperature.“ “I’m good.“ “You sure?“ His forehead was warm, it wasn’t quite a fever yet, but it wasn’t the normal  body temperature either. “I’m fine, Minhee,“ he chuckled.

“Then what’s going through your mind?“

Christian looked away from you, then down at his shoes. Still not meeting your eyes, he touched the watch on his wrist and played with it for a moment. The car remained utterly silent. You heard the sound of his breaths, irregular and shaky. 

“What you said earlier…”

“What exactly?“ You had spent the entire day with him and his family, you had said a lot of things to him. It was impossible to remember everything or guess what he was referring to. “You said you’re not falling in love with me.“ “You’re still worried about that?“ You chuckled, your shoulders falling in relief. You thought it was something serious, but if it was only that bothering him, he had nothing to worry about. “How can you be so sure? I mean it’s possible that you do, isn’t it?“

You spent a moment thinking about it, but you couldn’t imagine dating him, or dating anyone in general right now. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen.“ “Why not?“ “You’re not my type,“ you answered shortly and simply. “What is your type?“ “Well, for starters someone who’s not afraid of commitment.“

“I’ve been in relationships,“ he pointed out matter-of-factly. 

“I know, but…you don’t want to be in one right now, do you?“

“Where did you get that idea?”

“You said that! And you’re not really making an effort in meeting someone or going on dates.”

He didn’t say anything, he couldn’t say anything. After all you were right and he couldn’t dispute that. He was way too busy to meet someone new and go on dates. Getting to know someone was a time-consuming activity and he didn’t have time left to spare. The time he had, he wanted to spend with you. 

“Ian, you don’t have to worry,” you assured him again. “I don’t even wanna be in a  romantic relationship right now, neither do you. I want some time for myself, you know. Just focusing on work and myself, I’ve been neglecting that for too long. It’s just sex, no feelings involved.” You words were supposed to give him assurance. You thought that was what he wanted to hear, but they had a different effect him. Christian remained silent again. He glanced out of the window, then at his feet. His gaze danced around, avoiding yours. 

”If you’re that worried that I might catch feelings, we could just stop-”

“I don’t wanna stop,” he replied almost immediately as though it was a reflex. “What is it that you want then?”

He didn’t answer that question, because he knew he couldn’t have what he wanted. He’d be asking for too much. “You’re right,” he let out a shaky breath. For a moment, there was no sound. 

“Let’s stop.”

~*~

You parked his car in the underground garage of his apartment. You turned off the engine and pulled out the keys, before returning them to their owner.

“I can’t drive you home, because I drank,” he said with an apologetic look on his face.

“I know, I’ll just take a cab.” “You can stay, you know,” he offered as he awkwardly scratched the back his head. “And do what?” Whenever one of you stayed for the night, there was only one purpose. But sex was out of question now that you both came to the mutual agreement to stop. Staying for the night and not sleeping with each other seemed weird to you. It felt wrong.  

“Right…” he let out an awkward chuckle. “Text me, when you’re home.”

~*~

[Time leap]

You were brushing you hair when you heard the sound of the door bell. You hurriedly walked to the intercom while your hands were busy tying your hair into a bun which was rather difficult without a mirror. At times like these, you wondered why you let your hair grow that long in the first place. It would be a lot easier if you just chopped everything off. You turned on the speaker function and told Christian that you would be down in a minute. 

“I’ll come upstairs.”

“Why?” You wondered, but still pressed the button to open the door. I felt a bit weird, he hadn’t taken a step inside your apartment since you both agreed to stop the physical activities. All you ever did at home was related to sex, that’s why you never bothered to invite him in again.You left your apartment door ajar so he could enter himself and stepped in front of the mirror to fix your bun. You heard the door closing, before Christian appeared in front of you. He was carrying a small wooden box in his hands.

“What’s that?” Your eyes followed him. 

“Peaches,” he answered shortly before he led himself into your kitchen with you following behind. He placed it down on the kitchen counter. Clapping his hands together, to wipe off the dust. You stepped next to him and took a peak inside. 

“My aunt grows them in her garden. She sent me two boxes of it and told me to share them with my girlfriend,“ he said with emphasis on the last word. “The perks of being Rome’s fake girlfriend,” you said playfully as you took a quick look at the peaches. They looked delicious. Smiling to yourself, you felt a warm and fuzzy feeling, a feeling you weren’t unfamiliar with. Kiseok’s parents had a little farm where they grew their own crops and they would always sent you some. They made you feel welcomed and loved, just like Christian’s family did. The only difference was that their friendliness was based on a lie. You weren’t really deserving of it.

“Let’s go.” Christian saw the subtle change in your facial expression, so he tried to divert your attention to something else. You quickly grabbed a jacket and followed him to the elevator which really took its time. 

“You sure you wanna watch that movie?” He asked you out of the blue. “Why? What’s wrong with it? I heard it was good.” “I read some reviews…” His face turned dark.

“Don’t tell me you’re scared?“ You broke out into rumbling laughter. You didn’t think he would be scared of horror movies. He always gave a reliable and gutsy impression, someone who wasn’t scared of anything. 

“A little bit?“ He chuckled shyly. “I mean…you should have read the reviews!“ “You said you liked horror movies!” “I don’t.” Since none of your friends wanted to watch that movie with you, you had bothered Christian for over a week until he finally gave in.

“Why did you agree then?” “‘Cause I missed you.”

Your body froze for a brief moment as you blinked at him, a sudden warmth shooting through your body. 

“Now you’re just sweet-talking me,“ you chuckled lightly as you rolled your eyes.

“Did it work though?“ He grinned at you playfully. 

“A little bit,“ you winked at him with a smile.

“So we’re not watching that stupid horror movie?“

“Well, I don’t want you to wet your pants at night,“ you took this perfect opportunity to tease, a smirk spreading across your face.

In this moment a high-pitched tone indicated that the elevator had just arrived. The door slid open, revealing a silhouette standing on the other side. You didn’t pay much attention as you were immersed in the conversation with Christian. Without looking, you walked straight into the elevator. Christian quickly pulled you back, stopping you from bumping into the person in front of you. Confused you looked up, your entire body froze and a string of nerves tightened in your ribs upon seeing that familiar face.

“Kiseok…,” you whispered to yourself, still not believing your eyes. 

“Can we talk?” He asked you with caution, his voice sounded soft. 

“I-I…actually have plans right now.” You wanted the words to be firm, strong, but instead your voice was shaking. You glanced at Christian, with your eyes you pleaded him to help you to get out of this sticky situation, but he didn’t seem to get it, or maybe he did, but he just chose to ignore it.

“I’ll give you two some privacy. I’ll wait in the car,” he told you as he walked into the elevator, leaving your side. No, no, no, Christian, don’t leave me, you shook your head slightly, giving him all the signs you could think of to make him stay. But he didn’t. He waited for Kiseok to leave the elevator, before he pushed the button that brought him to the ground floor.

Fuck, you cursed inside of your head. You didn’t know what to feel right now, overwhelmed with contradictory emotions. You were angry with Christian, as he left you alone with Kiseok without a second thought. You didn’t want to talk to Kiseok. Christian out of everyone should have known how much you dreaded seeing him again. Yet he left. You felt betrayed by someone you thought would have your back when you needed him. At the same time you felt hurt and scared of the conversation that was about to come. 

“What do you want, Kiseok? Did Jay send you?“ You quickly regained your composure, not wanting him to see you in a vulnerable state. “No, I decided to come myself.“

“Why? You have more insults you want to rid yourself of?“ You asked him in a mocking tone. “I’m sorry for how I behaved at the party. It was inappropriate,” he said out of the sudden. An apology coming from him was the thing you least expected. “I got jealous when I saw you with him.“ It had been a while since you heard honest words coming out of his mouth. “And you thought picking a fight with me in public would it make it better?“ You snarled back at him with sarcasm. 

“No…I-I didn’t think at all to be honest. I had one too many and I leashed out at you.“ You knew it was a sincere apology, yet you weren’t satisfied. You weren’t sure what you wanted to hear from him, but nothing he said could subdue the anger you felt towards him. It wasn’t only anger either, more than anything you felt hurt and betrayed. “You’re excuses are getting worse.“ “Look, Minhee, it’s not easy for me. We’ve been together for so long.“ “And you think it’s easy for me?“ You looked at him in disbelief as you let out a scoff.

“Well, you’ve found yourself someone else pretty quickly.“ “It was just sex.“ You didn’t even know why you felt the need to set it straight. It was none of his business anyway. It was your life which he wasn’t a part of anymore due to his own doing. “I saw the way you looked at him.“ “And how am I looking at him?“ “The same way you used to look at me.“ You shook your head at him and let out a chuckle in disbelief. “God, you’re so paranoid. I’m not in love with him. I think I’d be the first one to know if I like someone or not.”

“What is he doing here then? I know you, Min. You don’t invite just anyone to your home.” You had no idea how the apology turned into an interrogation and you didn’t feel comfortable with the direction the conversation took.

“I don’t owe you an explanation, Kiseok.” “It’s just unfair that you get to move on with your life while I’m still miserable.“ “You have no right to say that. You walked out on us the moment you fucked her and lied to me.“ “I only lied to you because I didn’t want to hurt you and I didn’t want to lose you.“

“Well, you hurt me and you lost me, so that plan of yours didn’t work out very well, did it?“

“I’ve made a mistake, Minhee. I know that and I know it’s not something I can’t fix with a simple apology. But I’m trying. I’m really trying to fix it, because I can’t throw away the past four years just like that. You mean too much to me. I can’t just let you go like that. I can’t give up like this.”

In the silence that followed, you broke your gaze preferring instead to rest your eyes on the elevator behind him. “Is there nothing I can do to win back your trust?“ “I don’t know,” you answered truthfully. Would you ever be able to trust him again after all the lies he had told? Would you ever be able to believe his words without having any doubts? Was his word even worth anything anymore?

“Will you ever be able to forgive me?“ “I don’t know, Kiseok.“ “Do you still have feelings for me?“

Wow, this was a pretty long chapter! The longest yet I think? Hope it wasn’t too boring to read haha. What do you guys think? Is his mother right? Why did Christian leave so suddenly? What will Minhee's answer be? Are you Team Kiseok or Team Christian? Looking forward to reading your comments! :) And I hope you all are staying healthy! 

[dinolikes]

IMPOSTER - PART FOUR

summery ❤︎ Nobody has any quirks and are stuck on a ship like among us

pairings ❤︎ Imposter!Dabi x Reader

content warnings ❤︎ major character deaths

| prev.|

it was quiet for a long time, nothing except deku's quiet cries, until hawks turned around to look at the couple.

"where were you guys?"

hawks looked you up and down and noticed dabis messed up hair and your still swollen lips and squinted his eyes, "wonder girl, your with me,"

"the hell she is-"

"listen asshole! another kid is dead and I dont need you guys whor-"

"you better fucking watch your next words carefully bird brain!" dabi's called hawks names before, but this time it seemed more vicious.

"why? do you wanna stay with her so you can murder her next?"

dabi raised his fist but you grabbed his shoulder, instantly stopping him, "dabi, it's fine. ill see you soon, we'll do our rounds and then we'll be fine. the kids dont need this drama,"

touya looked at you for what seemed like an hour before finally lowering his fist, refusing to look you in the eyes as he stormed off.

you look at shoto and deku, pulling them close and giving each of them a kiss on the forehead, "stick together." you give them a warning look, them both murmuring in understanding. "good, now off you go," you struggled to see them walk away, alone, knowing there was another imposter on the loose and either one of them could be next.

hawks broke your worrying thoughts, "ive asked before and ill ask again, how're you dating dabi?"

you roll your eyes, " and ill always give the exact same answer, once he likes you, you'll get it."

he didnt respond but the look in his eyes gave his thoughts away.

"he didn't kill kaachan, i was with him the entire time."

"maybe, but were you with him when ingeniumu died? thirteen?" you opened your mouth to say that you were in the same bed when thirteen wouldve been killed, but hawks beat you to it, "correction, were you AWAKE and with dabi when thirteen was killed?"

you paused but you kept your head held up high, "why are you so dead set that its dabi? huh? why dont you think me?"

"because all the evidence points to him!"

"what fucking evidence hawks!?"

"its obvious your emotions are clouding you judgement wonder! you didnt fight this much with tomura!"

"that's because tomura was an asshole who hated all of us!"

"so is dabi!"

"sure but hes an asshole who SPECIFICALLY hated tomura! why would he work with him?"

"maybe that's part of their plan!"

"you SAW them! they hated eachother!"

"people can act!"

"yeah obviously cause your acting like a fucking dick right now when I know you arent!"

"why? because I'm pointing out that your boyfriend is a murderer?!"

you flinched when you heard a bang and you snapped towards the noise, seeing dabi at the doorway with his fist against the wall, which now had an indent exactly where his hand was.

"touya-" before you could stop him, your boyfriend turned around and stormed off, again.

you shot a quick glare at hawks before going after him, not even worrying about going off alone.

"touya! come back! you know i dont believe him right!"

you walked up and down the halls, peaking your head in a room every once and a while, always coming up with nothing.

"touya!" you felt like when you were 13, your dog had ran away and you were running up and down the streets calling his name, only to get no response.

you eventually found your dog. but he was on the road, dead, tire tracks ran through him.

you called touya's name louder and became distinctly more aware that you were alone.

the beeping on your watch made you jump half way out of your skin, you lightly laughed at yourself before the realization set in.

emergency meeting. that probably meant a body was found.

you ran towards the cafeteria where once again, everyone sat.

that is except hawks.

both deku and shoto looked frightened at the sight of you, even going as far as stepping back when you came in.

it broke your heart and you were confused, did they not trust you?

that is until you realised that you were supposed to be with hawks.

oh my god, you were supposed to be with hawks.

"WAIT! no no no! I-I can explain!" dabi nodded, thankfully looking like he knew you were innocent, "hawks was talking about dabi! l-like badly! an-and dabi walked in and he got upset by his words -which by the way," you directed your attention at dabi for a moment "i was defending you babe i swear- but-but dabi ran out and i tried looking for him but i couldnt find him and oh my god i should've been with hawks!"

dabi quickly nodded, almost embarrassingly, "yeah, i heard her yelling after me,"

shoto and deku relaxed after you explained and dabi confirmed, but deku quickly stiffened again.

"you mean dabi you were alone?"

dabi paled as he realised he fucked up.

"wait no! well yes but no! shut up!"

deku scrambled back, grabbing shotos hand to drag them over to your side of the table.

fuck wait- what?

"n-now hold on- we cant just accuse dabi!"

"me and shoto were together in medbay the entire time! if it isnt you then its dabi! twice said there was one more!"

"w-well how do we know we can trust twice? he WAS the imposter!" you desperately cried, dabi nodding quickly.

"exactly! hes a murder how do w-"

"i believe deku." shoto said, so quietly you could barely hear him. he didnt look up at anyone, avoiding the eyes of his brother.

"sho-" dabi took a step forward but shoto quickly stepped back, keeping the same long distance between them, pushing both you and deku back with you.

you frantically look at dabi, who had a look of genuine hurt, "n-no! dabi isnt the imposter!"

"hey," you snap your head towards shoto, who had finally looked up so you could clearly see the tears in his eyes, "this isnt easy, but your emotions are clouding your judgement."

you thought back to hawk's words, he told you the exact same thing.

you look back and forth between dabi and the boys, both looking desperately at you.

"cmon y/n, your my doll! i would never betray you like this!" your eyes soften as dabi almost pulls you forward with his voice.

"hes lying!" deku cried, pulling you back, "he was mad at hawks right? no one sees him and now hawks is gone!"

he had a point and you hated you, your eyes welled up as you thought about it.

"doll trust me! i swear!"

"dont trust him!"

you thought to hawks words, he didnt like anyone.

he only liked you and shoto, who just so happen to be alive. the one he could stand is dead, but he was more useful dead then alive to him.

you didnt sleep much but you DID sleep, and you could almost remember waking up to dabi walking back into the room, claiming he needed to use the washroom.

he was mad at hawks.

you look behind dabi and see the room used to push the imposters out, the door open. all you had to do was shove him in quickly and pull the lever.

"doll," you look dabi in the eyes, seeing him plead with you. "cmon y/n, please."

you step forward towards dabi, "did you do it? be honest with me, did you do it?"

something flashed in dabi's eyes, "no."

and grief filled you, because you realised that at this moment, you didnt believe him.

you looked away as you raised your arms, pushing him into the room and locking it.

dabi's eyes widen in shock but soon squint to hide the tears.

"I love you y/n." he choked out

you look him in the eyes, "I love you too." you yank down the lever, sending him flying into space and you into a fit of hysteria.

you sobbed so hard you fell down, shoto and deku attempting to comfort you but you push them off,

"sho, how about you and deku go watch a movie in your room." shoto slowly nods, taken deku away.

when the door closes you let out a sob.

how was shoto doing this? he acted so, so strong.

i mean i guess he was related to touya, hes gotta be strong.

you lightly laugh.

you couldnt believe it

touya, the love of your life, was dead.

and you killed him.

you were wracked with grief, questions rang through your head like what if you were wrong, what if twice was lying?

even worse though, what if twice wasnt? what if you werent wrong?

you didnt think it would be either deku or shoto, but the voice in the back of your head always pointed out how deku always was a bit too peppy, and shoto always seemed apathetic to everything. you always shook those thoughts out though.

the worse of the ideas though, was what if you were right? then what, was all of your moments with touya just...nothing? was he just using you as a good alibi? because he knew you were less likely to suspect him?

it wasnt until weeks later, when headquarters had called you in that you found out.

they had all of the survivors (which was just you, deku and shoto) and asked if they wanted to see the footage, which would prove if you were right or not.

you all agreed, though you more hesitant.

what if you were wrong?

you changed your mind, being wrong is a LOT worse then being right.

you couldnt confirm that though, because when they pressed play, there dabi was, all sweaty and standing above thirteens body.

they also showed tomura infront of ingeniumu, twice infront of kaachan, and dabi infront of hawks.

you all were crying, there were your friends, murdering your other friends. you could barely hold in your sobs.

as you all walked out, none of you said anything and just kept walking down and out the building.

it wasnt until you felt the soft breeze that you spoke up, "are you guys still up for that froyo?"

they slightly smile and nod.

tag list - @axerrri @underratedmage

[theroyalmile]

Body by Chemo

Last weekend I went for a 9-mile bike ride to downtown Boston and back.  I was admittedly nervous and skeptical about this ride beforehand for a couple of reasons.  First, it has been years since I rode a bike, and I know there’s that whole expression “It’s like riding a bike” but I’m not sure that expression is all that accurate.  Second, I have never ridden a bike in Boston.  Third, I get winded these days going up and down my stairs, so I was not sure I quite “had it in me.”  But, my whole household was going, it was a beautiful day, and I had been promising myself I would make an effort to be more active.  So off we went.  Oh, and there was a promise of breakfast sandwiches and coffee and donuts once we made it downtown- nobody could say no to that.

The beginning of the ride was rocky.  The original bike I borrowed was just a little too tall for me, and because of that I felt incredibly unsteady.  I traded bikes with one of my roommates and that bike ended up being a better fit for me- a few loops around a parking lot and I thought, “Hey, it really is like riding a bike.” With my confidence reasserted, we hit the bike path.  

The bike ride was, overall, beautiful.  I did find myself getting winded and had to stop a couple of times.  My roommates had been prepared to take it easy with me, and were very supportive.  Eventually we made it the 4.5 miles downtown and I felt so incredibly proud for conquering my first time back on a bike and first time biking downtown, all while dealing with the fatigue, shortness of breath and other goodies that come with my chemo treatment.  I felt empowered and heartened, which made me feel optimistic about the ride back home.

That optimism was short lived; almost immediately after we took off it became apparent that my body simply could not handle it.  I told myself we just had to get out of downtown and back on the bike trail and then I would ask to stop.  We made it and I signaled everyone for a quick break.  I thought maybe if I caught my breath and had some water it would be okay.  One of our bike squad members offered for me to try their bike to see if that made a difference.  I hopped on bikes a block or so, and then hopped off almost immediately- it just wasn’t going to work.  As I hopped off, right after we had crossed an intersection, I heard two men yelling from a car about some girl having a fat ass, or something to that effect.  Regardless of whether they were talking about me or someone else who had crossed the street with us, that was the final kick for me.  Any experienced fat girl understands that you will always think those comments are about you, even when they are not.  (Disclaimer: I do not mean “fat” as something negative, and I am definitely not looking for people to tell me I’m not fat, I’m simply stating a fact about my body).  Anyways, it was at this point I felt the tears of frustration welling up and knew my ride was done.  I told the crew I couldn’t go any further and would walk while they biked on.

There is a certain trauma that comes with being fat and exercising.  It’s almost like you never want someone to see you fail at any kind of physical activity because it feels like you're reinforcing the stereotype, like, oh of course the fat girl can’t finish the bike ride.  My roommate had offered, very kindly, to come back and pick me up in the car.  That was an indignancy I couldn’t bear- it was one thing to fail to finish the ride; it was another to have to be driven home.  No, I said stubbornly, I would walk my bike home.  Caleb of course insisted on walking his bike with me.  

As we walked our bikes I became more and more upset.  Part of it was the embarrassment of being a fat girl walking a bike home.  I almost want to scream at passers by “It’s not because I’m fat- I have cancer!” But another, bigger part of it was the reality of admitting to myself that chemo had changed my body, and it simply wasn’t up to the tasks it might normally have been.  Eventually I became upset enough that I had to stop and let myself have a small breakdown.  Caleb hugged me while I cried and tried to keep me in perspective. “You’re going through chemo” he reminded me, and tried to help me realize that having made it as far as I had was a feat in itself.  He walked across the street to grab me tissues and a gatorade so I could cry, rehydrate, cry, and rehydrate some more. 

****

Here’s the thing about chemo- it has made me feel incredibly betrayed by my body.  I have always been overweight, since my teenage years or even earlier.  Different versions of overweight, but overweight.  That was just the way it was, and I had reached a certain level of acceptance of that.  But I had always prided myself on how active I could be.  Pre-pandemic I could run 4-5 miles no problem.  I would hit the gym three times a week, I would get the steps in.  I was still fat, I was active, and I felt good about myself.  

Because of chemo, I am now fat, inactive, and feel terrible all the time.  I get winded walking up stairs, I am exhausted by my five minute walk from the T to my office downtown, and I find a short walk will tire me out for an afternoon.  And it’s not just my stamina.  It is absolutely everything.

The skin around my mouth had begun peeling and reddening.  My cuticles are dry and peeling and hurt.  My hands and feet are dry and cracked.  My arms are bruised up and down from frequent IVs. I oftentimes cannot open my medicine bottles or jars without help.  My hair, of course, is completely gone, not just on my head, but my nostrils too, leaving me with an almost constant runny nose.  My eyebrows are thinning, along with my eyelashes, and I pray to whoever is listening to please not take those away from me too.  My hands shake, and have turned dark brown from the cytoxan (which thankfully I am done with).  My memory is terrible.  I am breaking out like I’m back and middle school. My joints hurt, my muscles ache, despite me doing nothing all day. AND I get hot flashes now! Oh and I am hungry all the time.  Honestly ALL THE TIME.  

Here’s the thing- my body and I have been in a constant battle since I was 12 years old.  It took me 10-15 years to learn to love my body for what it was, with the understanding I was never going to have the same body as my friends, was never going to fit their clothes, and was never going to be the traditional idea of “in shape.”  But we had come to truce, my body and I.  I had found acceptance, and even joy in my body.  I had even got to a point where I wore a bikini for the first time since I was a child the summer before the pandemic and it felt amazing, liberating.  I followed plus size models like Ashley Graham and Tess Holiday on Instagram and thought heck yeah, if they can do it so can I.  

My cancer treatment has taken the pride I had in my body and the control I had over my activity levels and appearance and destroyed every last piece of it.  When I was having my worst struggles with my body in college, therapists used to ask me to list my favorite things about my appearance.  My top two on that list were always the same: 1) My hair and 2) My boobs.  Well, cancer has taken one of those things from me already and will have taken the other by the end of this summer.  Like I said, my body has betrayed me now in more ways that I can count.  And that betrayal is likely not going to end for a long time.  Honestly not until there is no cancer in my body any more.  Because let’s be real- that’s the biggest betrayal of all.

Whenever I catch myself in the mirror these days it has the potential to ruin my whole day.  There are few outfits that make me feel comfortable and attractive.  My face feels round, rounder without hair to frame it. I try not to look too long, lest I find more things to hate.  I am terrified of upcoming social gatherings, and wonder how on earth will I be able to feel remotely happy about my appearance for them.  

Chemo has reshaped my body in so many ways, some that I am only starting to realize.  It is hard, fitting into this new body and becoming accustomed to it.  It is even harder learning to love it.  Indescribably hard.  I think I can get there but sometimes it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Moments like the complete few minutes of despair I felt during our bike ride sometimes make that light seem even further.  But it’s important to remember those moments are often fleeting, and can change with a little perspective.  

****

After I cried it out on the bike path, I checked the time and realized we really needed to start heading home.  Caleb had a vaccine appointment to make and I was an hour away from committing murder of some poor bystander out of sheer frustration.  I looked on Google maps and found the walk home would be 48 minutes, probably more pushing a bike and with my sad little chemo lungs.  The bike ride home? 12 minutes.  So back on the bike I went, and it took every muscle in my body to pedal that 12 minutes home.  Fueled by my anger and embarrassment, and the residual tears, we eventually made it all the way home.  

I originally found little pride and satisfaction in our trip.  All I could think about was how I couldn’t bike the whole thing, and about how those guys in the car had yelled, and how much I hated my biking outfit, and how defeated and mortified I was feeling.  

Sometimes perspective takes time, but eventually I found some.  I owe a lot of the perspective to Caleb’s support and encouragement both during and after the bike ride, and to my parents pride and excitement as I was telling them about my biking adventure.  I also owe a lot of it to a nap, a much needed shower, and a new day.  With perspective I rediscovered some of that pride I had lost.  Nine miles there and back?  I did that shit.  And yeah, maybe I didn’t bike the whole thing, but I sure as hell did the whole thing, and did the whole thing while in the midst of chemotherapy treatment.  While in the midst of poisoning my body beyond recognition.  I am a freaking badass. 

And what did I do that evening?  Ate my body weight in sushi because I wanted to.  

I know there are going to be a lot more ups and downs like this.  That bike ride was filled with some very high highs and some very low lows.  This is going to happen.  And while I don’t know exactly what to expect from my body in the months to come, I do know that whatever happens I’ll see y’all at the beach in July- I’ll be the fat girl with the bald head in a bikini eating an ice cream cone.

[marveloussupernerd]

I really enjoyed the way you wrote that Jumin Han ANGST my friend and if you don't mind I would very much like to request more ANGSTTT but with Seven because he is the CEO of ANGST FOR NO REASON. Be as creative as you want with it, you're the author! I was thinking something like MC getting seriously hurt/shot?? by someone who's after Seven from his agency work, or something less *deadly* like MC drunk and cheating/kissing another RFA member. Either way, I know I'll love what you come up with!

Hi bb! Sorry you’ve been waiting for this for like WEEKS but I was NOT in an angst vibe LMAO. But after I’ve brainstormed I’m v excited to write this. If ppl don’t like angst / want to see a resolution maybe request a pt 2 ? 🥺

Bullet Wound - Seven

Warnings: violence (shooting), medical stuff (surgery, injury), argument, spoilers for Seven’s real name !!

Summary: Seven’s company was not very happy that he betrayed them. Neither of you has thought it was a problem anymore. You were wrong. Seven feels responsible for you getting hurt

You held his hand, swinging it as you walked. “I had a lot of fun today,” you told him, smiling as you glanced at him, then down at your entwined hands, his golden wedding band shining in the sunlight.

“Me too! I can’t believe you had never had fish-shaped buns before today,” he mentioned, feigning shock.

You laughed. “They were very good. But honestly, I hadn’t even heard of them until the RFA talked about them.”

He sighed. “Who would believe my wife was so boring before she met me?”

You used your shoulder to ram into his side slightly, pushing him off his path slightly. He simply laughed. “What do you wanna do when we get home?”

“Hmmm...” you thought aloud, “nap. Cuddle. I’m exhausted.”

“You shouldn’t have stayed up all night with me when I was doing my work,” he pouted.

You shrugged. “What can I say? I can’t sleep without my husband by my side.”

He stopped for a second, halting you with him and pulling your hand slightly to turn you towards him. He had that goofy, fond smile you loved so much. “You’re so cute. I love you.” His voice was firm, full of meaning, as though nobody could deny it.

You couldn’t hide your grin, turning back on track and pulling him along with you. “I love you t-“

A deafening noise. It made you jump. “What the hell was that?” Seven exclaimed.

You looked around, trying to find the origin of the sound. And then you felt it; fire in your body. In your back. You placed a hand on it and flinched from the pain, blood slicking your hand. “Saeyoung,” you uttered out, the shock evident in your voice. “I think we need to run.”

He turned to look at where you were glancing, and then saw your hand. “Shit!” He exclaimed. Without hesitation, he swung you into his arms. “Hold on tight and stay with me, Babe.” He started running toward his babe car.

He threw the door open, setting you down gently in the seat. He buckled you up, hand pulling the lever to move the seat upright. “Ow!” You hissed in pain from the contact of the chair against your wound.

He shut the door and headed to his side, climbing in and driving off without even buckling his seatbelt. “I know it hurts but that’ll help keep some pressure on it. I’m driving to the ER as fast I can, so just hold on.”

“Sae... Saeyoung,” you choked out, trying to focus on your breathing and not the pain. “Your seatbelt.”

“Oh!” He used one hand to buckle it up. “Sorry. I didn’t even think about it.”

“You have to be safe too, okay?” You started tearing up. “Remember that.”

“Don’t say things like that.” He raised his voice. You nodded. You saw him frown. “I just... you’re making it sound like you’re going to die. And you’re not.” His voice was much softer now.

“I understand. I’m sorry I made it seem that way.” You let out a breathy sigh. “I’m just scared.”

He stopped the car pretty suddenly, right outside of the emergency room doors. He unbuckled, rushing out of the door, leaving his keys and phone inside. He opened yours and picked you up again. “I know. But you’re gonna be fine. I’m not going to leave your side.”

“I don’t think-“

“I’ll figure it out. Even if I have to watch you on the cameras. I’ll be here for you. Promise.”

“I love you,” you whimpered, lip trembling. You were scared.

“I need help! My wife’s been shot!” He announced as he entered the room. Fortunately, nobody was waiting and subject to the scene, only the people working there.

The lady at the front’s eyes widened. She announced something over the speakers, but you couldn’t hear it. “Where at?” You heard her ask Saeyoung. Your vision was blurry. You were nervous.

“Back.”

“Scale of 1 to 10?” They both shifted their eyes towards you.

“Eight.”

They didn’t stop looking at you. You raised an eyebrow. Why? “One to ten?” She asked again. Saeyoung looked petrified.

Were your words not coming out? You took a deep breath, focusing on expelling the air and moving your mouth to get the words out. “Eight.”

“Okay,” she nodded, scribbling things down. Seven smiled sadly at you.

Two people burst through the doors with one do those rolling beds. Seven set you down gently in it. He didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye. Your eyes widened in fear as you heard the doctors frantically speaking medical jargon. Saeyoung, in the distance, blew you a kiss. You closed your eyes and tried to relax.

When you did open your eyes again, they felt extremely heavy. Like you were doing physical labor to open them. “Thank God!” It was Seven’s voice. You worked harder to open your eyes and saw him, still in his bloody outfit from earlier, bags under his eyes and concern marking his features.

“Hi,” you said weakly, trying to give him a smile.

“Oh my God. I was afraid I’d lose you.” His eyebrows knitted in concern. “Did you know your heart stopped during surgery?” A sob escaped from the back of his throat. “It stopped.”

“I’m here,” you whispered. Your voice was hoarse. “I’m still here.”

You reached out your hand to grab his own, not surprised to see an IV hooked to your arm. “This is all my fault.” He was crying hard now, eyes refusing to meet your own. “This is because of me.”

“It’s not your fault,” you reassured him.

“It is! None of this would have happened if I wouldn’t have let you get close.” He walked away from you, moving to look out the window. “I’m an idiot.”

“I don’t think so. I’m glad you let me in, Saeyoung. I don’t blame you for this at all.”

“But I do. I blame myself.” His voice was now more angry with himself than sad.

A knock on the door. The doctor. Saeyoung composed himself, turning to meet him.

“Nice to see you again, Saeyoung.” The doctor greeted, a bright smile on his face. “And there’s our fighter. How are you feeling?”

“I think whatever pain stuff you have me on helps, but I just woke up so I’m still a bit drowsy.”

He looked down at your chart. “You did sleep through the night. 17 hours,” he explained.

Your eyes snapped back to Seven. “You’ve been here for seventeen hours?” You asked, the shock evident in your voice.

The doctor laughed. “He’s been by your side the whole time. Now I do want to keep you probably for another few days to monitor, but it should be pretty relaxed. Just try to keep your mind at ease and your heart rate down. All helps the healing.”

“Any significant injuries I should know about?” You asked. You knew people got really messed up from shot wounds.

He grinned, shaking his head no. “You were very lucky. Didn’t hit any major organs or your spine. You’re in good shape, relatively speaking.” He wrote something on his sheet. “I’m going to make sure the nurses visit you every half hour. I’ll probably be back in two hours or so. If you need anything in between, feel free to page the nurses.”

“Thank you Doctor,” you smiled. He waved and left.

“I... don’t think we should do this,” Seven spoke up, breaking the silence.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I’m putting you in too much danger,” he stated simply.

“Well I’m okay. And I think it’s worth it,” you defended.

He sighed, shaking his head. “You’re such... an idiot. How could you get shot because of me and still be so naive and stupid?” He wasn’t yelling, but his voice was cold. The beeping on your heart monitor steadily increased, betraying you by giving away how his words made you feel.

“And what do you want me to do about it Seven? It’s not like we’re just dating casually. We can’t just break up. We’re married. And thank goodness we are,” you added for good measure.

“‘Maybe we shouldn’t be.”

The monitor jumped again. This time it didn’t slow down. Your eyes felt heavy again and your back felt like it was on fire once more. “Don’t say that.” You whimpered, your voice quiet due to the pain.

“I’ll say what I want. It’s a bad idea.”

“Saeyoung.” Your voice was very firm. “I-“ you listened to the racing heart monitor again. “Do you hear that? My heartbeat? How fast it’s going because of things you’re saying? I’m supposed to be relaxed. You’re not helping.”

“I’m trying to make you be realistic” he defended.

“Go home Saeyoung.” You demanded.

“Huh?”

“Go home. Take a shower. Change out of the bloody clothes. Take a nap. Come back to me when you’ve decided to be mild and respectful of my health.”

“But, I-“

“No.” You said, allowing no room for argument. “You are upsetting me. Come back when you feel bette.r.”

“I’m scared to leave you,” he whimpered, turning to you so you could see his eyes watering.

“I need to be alone right now. Go home. See you later.”

He frowned. A lot. He sniffled.

“Stop!” You called to him. “You’re the one who said you wanted to get a divorce. And I said to leave and calm down for a while. So stop pouring.” You jutted your lip out. “I can’t get comfy laying down and my husband wants to divorce me because I got shot and I got shot.”

His frown only increased. “Take care,” he said softly, heading to the door. “I’ll respect your wishes.” He walked out the door.

[bloopbyoop]

weep woop

ayo. ive read my scheduled email and its time for freewriting shit again. lmao. I want this post to be like a small light from a lit match stick inside a very hollow, icy, and numbing cave. (sounds cartoonish right? I know. Im obsessed with Adventure Time.) I want all people to be genuinely happy.  Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Upon reaching my 24th anniversary in this world, I finally learned how to truly embrace all my emotions. Some are more overwhelming than the other, but we have to heed in our treacherous yet perplexing minds that everything is fleeting and we are in control. The feeling of extreme sadness fades, but so does joyful states. Everything can change in a matter of minutes or years. You are in control of all your emotions. You are in control of all your life choices. Your actions. Your words. Your perspective. It feels weird to actually write about it. I've wanted to talk about it. I never wanted help from anyone as I firmly believed that I was alone. Sure, I have a family and friends, but it is hard to see that when your head is clouded with negativity. I've even come to the point where I was too overwhelmed, I found being physically hurt less painful. The pain I felt distracted me from what I was thinking. My mind tended to go bonkers. lmao. But bro, I was so good at concealing my bonkers mind. It's easy to fake any emotion that you have. Slap anything sunshine-y or happy to anything and people would believe you. It went on for years. Long story short, thousands of bracelets collected, it became worse. The physical pain could no longer withhold the emotional pain. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop thinking. And voila! I found a good amount of self help books (from tumblr) and novels. Novels that brought me to different places. Self-help books that made me understand what I feel and what to do. I've read that taking the easy way out will leave everyone sad. AND IN THE FIRST PLACEEEEEE, I NEVER WANT THATTTTTTT. I want everyone to be happy. I would act foolish and do dumb shit to make everyone happy in a heartbeat. So, that idea made me push a few more years. Later on, the crippling shit came crawling back again to my head, sooooooo I needed new shit to keep me distracted again. Films, series, music, and short clips from YouTube helped me out a lot. Every single time that my mind is going to think like anything that can think of, even to the point that I was just going to think that I might be hungry, I'd watch something. There's just something about silence for me. Because of this new habit of mine, I've learned more about myself. I love different types of things. I like horror. I like thriller. I like comedy. I like romance. I love all types of films, but there is something about the horror genre that interests me. I still can't point out what, but I love watching horror films. With regards to music, I've learned that I love Indie, Punk Rock, Rap, and Pop. We all can't like a specific genre. It's stupid to ask "what genre of music do you like?". It's not actually stupid-stupid, it's just stupid. Ya know? Anyway, passing this phase, I needed to find something again because it's not doing the shit that it was supposed to, I tried investing more time on video games. By investing more, I mean a whole shit lot. I love video games since I was young cuz.... u know.... they keep u... try to guess it! oh yeah. you got that right! distracted! I love the aggressive plays and trashtalks that my friends and I make. The short stories we tell one another. The rants. The lame jokes. The late night we sound drunk but we are not drunk jokes. The roleplays. The lame jokes. The memes. And once again, The lame jokes. Something about lame jokes and the laughs and curses after that always gets me every single time. Oh shoot. Yup Yup. Few years later, I finally noticed the pattern that my sadness is temporary. I got over it one way or the other (or another. depends on how you wanna read it. i dont wanna say another cause i might write about one direction like what im doing now so-). Happiness is temporary as well. But, we are the ones who are actually in control of our emotions. If you wanna feel sad, be sad for a while. You're getting too sad? Try hanging out with your funny friends. Can't do that? Find an alternative. Watch a movie, knit a sweater. Anything your mind could think of as long as it will keep you mentally distracted from being physically and mentally hurt. I do have a few notes though. We cannot and should never assume what people are going through. It may be petty for you, but it may be very crucial to them. So never everrrr say things like: -Some people have it worse than you -At least you have ..... These sheetsss are annoying as heckkk and could really down someone. I know it is not your intention to annoy but people react differently. alsooooooo, it is not okay or normal to hate on things for bandwagon. that is just plainly crazy and stupid. let people enjoy things. anddddddd never suppress your emotions. admit what you feel inside and try to think of a way to resolve ittttt. keeping it to yourself will just make it worseeeeee. find your own outlettttttttt. hihihi ️ alsooooo. being more spiritually full with God's words and ideas really help me to be spiritually happy. ps. im christian but i dont discredit other religion and even applaud other religion's ideas and beliefs. this is a really long, selfish post so i might as well recommend some things I like : Songs with their lyrics that made me go through life. “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” -All These Things That I've Done, The Killers “It's not too late, I'm still right here” -Breaking Your Own Heart, Kelly Clarkson "And the salt in my wounds / Isn't burning any more than it used to / It's not that I don't feel the pain / It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore / And the blood in these veins / Isn't pumping any less than it ever has / And that's the hope I have / The only thing I know that's keeping me alive" -Last Hope, Paramore “There is not a single word in the whole world / That could describe the hurt / The dullest knife just sawing back and forth / And ripping through the softest skin there ever was / How were you to know?” -Hate to See Your Heartbreak, Paramore "It's holding on, though the road's long / And seeing light in the darkest things And when you stare at your reflection / Finally knowing who it is / I know that you'll thank God you did" -1800, Logic "Did some things you can't speak of / But at night you live it all again / You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now / If only you had seen what you know now then" -Innocent, Taylor Swift (My bb) "10 months sober, I must admit / Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it / 10 months older, I won't give in / Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it // Rain came pouring down when I was drowning / That's when I could finally breathe / And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean" -Clean, Taylor Swift “I guess I always knew / That I had all the strength to make it through.” -Believe in Me, Demi Lovato "I'm addicted to the madness / I'm a daughter of the sadness / I've been here too many times before / Been abandoned and I'm scared now / I can't handle another fallout / I am fragile, just washed upon the shore / They forget me, don't see me / When they love me, they leave me" -I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, Demi Lovato “I'm overwhelmed / I need a voice to echo / I need a light to take me home / I need a star to follow / I don't know” -Nightingale, Demi Lovato "I'm a walking travesty / But I'm smiling at everything. // Arrogant boy, Love yourself so no one has to." -Therapy, All Time Low "I tried it once before but I didn't get too far / I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart. / But maybe I'm alive 'cause I didn't really wanna die / But nothing very special ever happens in my life / Take the blade away from me I am a freak, I am afraid that / All the blood escaping me won't end the pain / And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me / I died to be the white ghost / Of the man that I was meant to be" -Ghost, Badflower "Are the pieces of you / In the pieces of me? / I'm just so scared / You're who I'll be / When I erupt / Just like you do / They look at me / Like I look at you" -DNA, Lia Marie Johnson Movies and series to try : -The Perks of Being a Wallflower (The book is bomb af. if yall havent tried, ur missing out) -The Kings of Summer -Never Let Me Go -The Art of Getting By -Silver Linings Playbook -Winter’s Bone -The Lovely Bones (The script. The words) -Me and Earl and the Dying Girl -American Horror Story -Black Swan

pps. remember that every one has their own pace and point of view. don’t push yourself too hard, and don’t overthink. give yourself time, and respect all your emotions. analyze them but not more than like 5 minutes as anything beyond that might cause you to overthink and be sadder. and sad is not rad. hehe. you got this. you got you. self love is the best even though it can be tricky to do. nobody else is like you. you’re the only one of you (i just remembered me.......... i might have hummed it while typing it mid sentence). consider other people’s opinion but do not let it cloud your own judgement as you know yourself best. dont let other comment’s define you. spread love. vibe people you vibe with. ayeeee lets go!!! 

ppps this is my last post bc im happier now and know myself better. i no longer limit myself on the age that I want. I want to live as long as how God wants me to be. hehe. 

x :D

[infinitum-imaginaerum]

Umbra | Lucas [V]

Bodyguard!AU | Mini-series Words | 4,572 Warnings | Language, violence, mentions of death, illegality, mature content [previous chapters] Notes | I vowed I’d never leave these stories unfinished so although it’s been well over a year since I updated this...., here we go. 

IV | V | VI

By the time you woke again, you were back in your bed. There was no doubt that you hadn’t even stirred when Yukhei took you back to your room. You blinked hard as you looked around your dark room, the blackout curtains drawn closed considerately to let you sleep as long as you wanted. Your silk covers smoothed over your skin as you stretched as far as you could, your stiff joints cracking a bit. Part of you debated going back to bed, but the other part craved to see Yukhei.

Faintly hearing your mother’s voice outside your door as your eyes darted for the clock, nearly two in the afternoon, your ears perked with curiosity. She was talking to Yukhei—you only knew because she addressed him by name. They were just making small talk, but your breath still hitched in your throat. After last night, and after the intoxication had left your system, you came to the unsettling realization of the potential for mischief last night.

Slowly, you slipped out of the covers and crept across the white marble floor to your door and pressed your ear against it, trying to listen to the conversation.

“She’s growing very attached to you…” your mother commented.

The jig was kind of up. Your mother had a good idea of what you were feeling; she knew your actions before they happened as if she had read ahead in a book of your life. You were incredibly transparent to her, even though you were sure that she hadn’t even seen anything. She was your mother, after all, and they tended to know things seemingly beyond the boundaries of clairvoyance.

But maybe she had seen something. Maybe you didn’t remember because you were relatively messed up; you weren’t exactly sure what happened last night before nearly four thirty when you were scrambling out of bed at the sound of gunshots proximate to your outside door. Though you were a story high, it was uncommon for that type of noise to be so close.

Yukhei still hadn’t responded at this point, clearly unsure of what to say. You were sure he was standing there, arms behind his back as he stood at attention in front of your mother.

“I’m not sure what will happen. Her father wants… things to go a certain way. Whatever happens, just promise you’ll protect her. She’s much safer with you than anyone else I know,” your mother explained. Your hands were spread across the door, leaning against it to strain to hear her.

“Yes ma’am. I understand,” he replied firmly.

“After my son… I can’t take another, Yukhei. Promise me that she will outlive me!” your mother cried, and the mention of your brother shattered your heart. The tears pricked your eyes listening to her desperation. “I cannot lose another child to this life!”

You could only imagine the look on Yukhei’s face, sure that your mother was clutching to him for comfort, for your comfort, for a promise he couldn’t make with one hundred percent positivity. You could almost see the way he swallowed harshly, his right hand reaching tentatively around her to bring her in for some semblance of a hug to try and provide at least a fraction of the comfort she was so desperately begging for.

It was difficult since Yukhei probably wasn’t even aware or informed that you had a brother long before his arrival. The processing time for that kind of thing, being informed of a family member’s death was a lot to take in, even for those as stoic as the Umbra.

“I can’t promise something won’t happen; but I can promise that I would put my life down for hers. I did sign a contract,” he reminded your mother, and for some strange reason, that put a feeling in your stomach not particularly welcomed.

Your mother gripped Yukhei’s arms, gazing up at him with tears in her own eyes, begging him for more, for something better, while trying to swallow the harsh reality of his statement.

“Protect my baby, Yukhei; she’s all I have left,” she begged, attempting to keep her voice steady before she turned to head back down the hall. You could distantly hear the sound of the Dutch doors of the master bedroom, but you couldn’t find the energy to move yourself, even as Yukhei approached your door.

He pushed it open, inadvertently pushing you back with it. The light from the foyer and the hallway lit your face, even as you blankly stared towards the floor, streaks from your silent tears evident on your once immaculate face, much too distracted to hear the surprise from him when he noted you were already up. The marbled flooring was ice cold under your feet, your arms dangling at your sides even as Yukhei stepped further into your view. Quietly, he called your name, but not even then would your eyes dare meet his.

Only when his soft fingers took your chin to turn your face up to his did your vision refocus to actually look at him. He wanted to ask you what was wrong, but it seemed almost inappropriate.

“I assume you heard everything,” he said.

You couldn’t even find words to reply and continued to merely stand there and stare at him, his grasp on your chin the only thing keeping your head turned upwards. His touch felt urgent, especially as he took your cheeks in both of his hands, stroking away the tear-carved paths.

“I’ve never heard my mother sound so desperate,” you whispered back to him, eyes glancing away from his even with your chin still upturned in his touch. “Angry, yes; passionate, yes; sad, yes… desperate? Not like that.”

Yukhei swallowed hard, you could hear it. He didn’t even want to ask, because it obviously still tore you up, tore your family up. Still, that didn’t stop you from continuing.

“This life is cruel. My father, crueler. He’ll risk anything for his own gains. He’s basically betrothed me to Sanghyuk and his family for money. My brother…” you trailed off, choking back tears. You couldn’t continue anymore, your eyes closed tight to push the tears away to the best of your ability. You hadn’t even noticed the way Yukhei pushed the door almost all the way closed with his foot.

Betrothed to Sanghyuk. It put a knot in his stomach that made him want to throw up. Sanghyuk was no good, nobody at that party was good enough for you in Yukhei’s eyes. And for your life to be so determined by someone other than yourself, even your own father, seemed amazingly unfair. His jaw clenched repeatedly, searching for words of comfort, but comfort wasn’t necessarily his specialty.

He was slowly learning more about your life, your past, the rest of your family than any other Umbra really knew, aside from the seasoned ones who had been lucky enough to be around for as long as they were. They didn’t ever ask questions, and if they did, they typically weren’t ever seen again.

All Yukhei could do was look down at you in the dim light of your blacked-out bedroom, the only light coming through the crack in the door from the foyer, but it was light enough. He looked over your face, at the distress that creased it, as one hand traveled down your cheek to the chain around your neck that held the interlocking rings you never ever took off. One of the rings had a date etched into it, and he could only assume what it meant.

“Sometimes, I just want it all to end,” you uttered, hand eclipsing his albeit being much smaller. His strong hand clenched around that necklace, a fire lighting in the pit of his stomach and he couldn’t decide if he was angry or something else. This was not the life for a girl like you, a girl who deserved so much more than a predetermined fate. As angry as Yukhei was, he had to play the part.

Your first meal of the day came around three in the afternoon. Yukhei sat quietly in the kitchen at the counter while you made some food for both of you. Part of him was surprised that you made your own food despite the number of chefs you had at the ready in your home; you just wanted to live a normal life and do normal people things; not act like the spoiled brat you were supposed to be.  He sat rigidly, even as you placed a plate of food in front of him and stood across the counter to eat.

It felt strange to him. In the few months he’d been there with you, he’d never experienced a home cooked meal from you. He’d always had meals prepared by a chef at some odd hour when he finally got a meal break. Of course, the food was always good, but something about this felt much more domestic, and the food was far more delicious.

He watched the way you leaned against the granite countertop, white with gold and black marbling, and ate silently. You mostly flicked your food around, not overly interested in eating, but maybe that came with the hangover. He tried his best to eat between focusing on you.

“Eat, duchess,” he encouraged.

“What about you?” you asked him without even looking up. Yukhei’s unsteady hands had been periodically clanging his utensils against his plate when he’d find a good bite, so it wasn’t hard to guess how much he hadn’t eaten at all without having to look.

“It’s not my job to worry about me, it’s to worry about you,” he retaliated.

That got your attention. You looked up from your plate to look at him, to gauge the concern in his eyes that also tugged a soft frown at the corner of his lips.

“Well, then it’s in my best interest to worry about you,” you replied, catching him off guard, especially when you reached out to brush some stray fringe away from his eyes before returning to your plate with your hands and your gaze. Yukhei couldn’t help the soft blush that pricked at his cheeks. Sometimes you were so rough with him, so difficult and sassy, but other times you were so tender with him that it couldn’t possibly be the same person.

Regardless, he ate with more enthusiasm after that and quickly finished his plate. The air in the room seemed light for a moment before your father entered the room. Yukhei could almost feel the way your shoulders tensed and your eyes loomed over to him. Your father peered at your picked over plate and then looked to Yukhei, who had shifted his posture to sit high and respectful and hardly made eye contact with your father who had spoken maybe ten whole words to him in the few months he’d been there.

“We’re hosting again tonight,” your father said.

“I’m not going,” you replied sharply, visibly shaking Yukhei.  Your father looked at you, as if to challenge you, reminding you that he was head of the household, not you.

“We came to a very unpleasant agreement that if you hosted two days in a row, I would only attend one evening. I attended last night, and I will not attend tonight. Need I remind you that you can’t do anything you want without an heir.”

Your father almost sneered; how dare you talk to him like that in front of an Umbra. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, though. Would he let you disrespect him like that, or would he do something about it as risk of himself against an Umbra, and in this case, Yukhei. It was in Yukhei’s contract to protect you from any and all threats, which included internal threats, not limited to your own father. Yukhei was under contract to apprehend your father if he made any physical advance on you, and since Yukhei wandered the house armed at all times he was on duty, your father wasn’t stupid enough to risk that.

His fist was visibly clenching at his side as he stared into the side of your head after you turned back to your food to pick through it again, eating with a calmness that Yukhei just couldn’t wrap his head around. Your father looked at Yukhei, who tensed severely for a moment, before he scoffed at you and got what he came in the kitchen for before leaving again.

You looked at Yukhei again after your father exited the room. He seemed visibly disturbed by what just took place, but you knew he would never ask.

“I’ll make sure he pays for my brother every jab I can get,” was all you said, and that seemed to satisfy his curiosity long enough for you to take his plate to wash.  He shifted in his seat, watching you while the weight in his chest got heavier. The way you interacted with your father showed him that things had been a lot more difficult and for a lot longer prior to his arrival. You treated him like he was your disobedient son, instead of the other way around; he was sure it had taken you some time to figure that you could use your situation as leverage for yourself.

“I’m going to take a bath. I was thinking we could just play games or watch movies in the game room tonight,” you uttered, bringing his zoning gaze away from the counter top. His half-glazed eyes looked up at you, standing about half an arm’s distance away from him.

“Yes, duchess, whatever you want,” he breathed back, gaze easily falling away from yours until your feet were shuffling away from him and back to the staircase, cold across marble flooring to grab the ornate walnut railing before he was even thinking about getting up from his seat to follow you. His long strides effortlessly caught up with you as you turned the corner into your room.  

You turned around to face him as he stepped through the doorway of your room; the pressure of your touch against his chest startling him enough to grab your elbows. His eyes were on you now, fully attentive unlike the half-assed attempt before. You could feel his heart racing through his suit coat as you did your best not to curl your fingers around his lapel.

He could tell you wanted to ask him what had gotten into him, it wasn’t hard to tell something was bothering him, but you just couldn’t find the right words. He spoke first.

“I’ll run your bath,” he told you and, against better judgement, reached up to cup your chin for a moment to tilt your face up to his before he was gone, leaving you on your toes with an anticipatory inhale caught in your lungs. You had to reach out to catch your balance on your dresser before you could hear the water running. Maybe the distance of the bath would be good, since both of you needed to get your thoughts in order. Yukhei rummaged through the collection of bath things in a wicker basket off to the corner, pouring this and that into the water as it reached a good temperature and he shut the faucet off.

He sat on the edge of the bath, reaching into the water with his fingertips to swish it around as you crept into the bathroom. You looked over the back of his head at his somewhat dirty blond hair, combed quite particularly backwards to meet at the back of his head, over the curve of his neck as it disappeared behind a white collar, covered with a black collar and across the expanse of his shoulders.

Able to sense you looming, he turned to peer over his shoulder at you.

“Duchess,” he almost growled, noting the silk black robe you were wearing, pink cranes and ornate flowers decorating the hem that hung around mid-thigh. Your arms were crossed over your chest as you looked at him with your head cocked to the side. He quickly stood from the side of the tub as you approached him to stop right in front.

“Lucas,” you uttered back. He tilted his head, cracking his neck as he looked at you, hands at his sides, aching to put them in his pockets before he did anything he regretted.  He looked you over pretty thoroughly, eyeballing the intricate stitching on the lapel of the fold of the collar, catching himself staring at skin a little too often as his gaze grazed across the necklace dangling across your collarbones which you instantly took with your fingers and cleared your throat.

“Take your time, I’ll be reading in the bedroom,” he managed to choke out, dismissing himself so he couldn’t possibly mess up anymore than he already had. He left before you had a chance to say anything, even when he flicked the light off on his way out to make you acutely aware of the number of candles lit around the bathtub.

Yukhei flipped the lamp on the side table on as he plopped in the armchair he was already too familiar with after picking a random book of your bookshelf. It didn’t really matter which one, anything would pass the time. He could almost make out your sigh as you sunk into the hot water, but tried to push it from his mind as he flipped through the first couple of pages to skip the title and table of contents and a few other authors notes and things to get to the first page. He didn’t recall the author or the title, but the first few words captivated him enough to take him to another world and distract him from the one he was living in long enough for the duration of your bath.  

From the bathroom, you could barely hear a knock on your room door, followed by a short discussion between Yukhei and you assumed your mother. You tried hard to strain, to hear any of the conversation at all, but it was a moot attempt—you were too far from the door and with you out of the room it was her chance to talk to Yukhei quietly. You had little doubt it had to do with the interaction in the kitchen with your father and at that point there was nothing you could do about whatever she was telling him. Even so, your bathwater was finally getting cold, the candles filling with melted wax and the rose essential oil in the water was giving you a headache beyond making you sleepy.

The room was quiet and barely lit when you finally opened the door from the bathroom; it didn’t even stir Yukhei who continued far too absorbed in the tiny book by comparison of his large hand. It may have been wrong, but the way he was sitting there so casually with one hand carded messily through his hair, holding the book in the other as he perused every page carefully…

Your hands touched his broad shoulders, sliding down his front before he even reacted. You knew he knew that you were there, but as a non-threat, he didn’t react. By the time your hands slipped under his suit coat, it was too late, and your face sunk into the crook of his neck. He tried to choke off the sigh that pushed out of his throat; tried, as his head involuntarily tilted away, his hand effectively falling out of his hair and into his lap.

“Duchess,” he grumbled, although it was an otiose attempt to warn you away.

“Lucas,” you repeated, turning enough for your mouth to brush against exposed skin over the top of the collar of his white shirt. The book in his hand snapped shut.

“You are trouble,” he mumbled, but still made no attempt to remove you. The way your hands ghosted against him, almost unable to feel it through his shirt, causing his hand to grip the spine of the book so painfully, especially as you toyed with his tie.  He spoke your name, almost harshly, as one hand stopped yours. “You’re going to get me in trouble, and get in huge trouble yourself.”

He captured both of your hands to stop them from teasing up his sides as goosebumps rose all over his skin. He could feel the hair on the back of his neck standing on end and turned his head to attempt to shrug you out of the crook of his neck, rather successfully.

“People are going to start showing up soon. Perhaps we should relocate downstairs before you get caught in the cross,” Yukhei suggested, avoiding a side-eyed glance as he looked straight ahead, feeling your hands retract as you stood upright again.

Your baggy sweats and loose tee were becoming a normal part of your attire to him. When he first was hired as an umbra, he was used to pleated dresses and fancy printed skirts and puffy sleeved blouses, aside entirely from your evening gowns. He’d mostly seen you done up in some form or fashion, so it was pretty refreshing that you were finally letting loose, not trying to impress anyone in front of him.

The moment the door to the entertainment room closed the both of you in, you could hear incessant and seemingly never ending door bell rings and knocks on the front door as people began shuffling in. Thankfully, the door of the room had a lock so nobody could come snooping in unannounced; not that there was anything to be hiding, you just didn’t want to be disturbed on a night off from a gala.  Yukhei let you pick the movie that was loudly playing on the surround sound system of the flatscreen as you tried to ignore the chatter of guests, particularly of those who were looking intently for you the more the gala dragged on.

Yukhei must have been able to sense your frustration because you slumped into the couch a little more closed off than you had been before, and while he did his best to sit a respectful distance away from you, a part of his subconscious was calling for you. He didn’t even want to ask you what was wrong, because it wasn’t hard to guess. You just wanted to be left alone, but it was boring up in your room with no games other things to keep you occupied.

“She really is not feeling well this evening, so she won’t be attending the gala. Sincerely sorry for the disappointment!” You could hear your mother’s voice ring through the foyer after a mangled mess of male voices asked if you would be coming. Your mother didn’t seem enthused by the entirety of the situation, especially since she had that peculiar ring in her voice which was a pretty good indication of her annoyance.

“Your mother said they’d be looking for you; she asked me to make a couple of rounds,” Yukhei commented after you noticed he’d been slowly inching closer to you.

“A couple of rounds?”

“She doesn’t want Sanghyuk and friends getting too suspicious about anything.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you asked, narrowing your eyes at him. He was your personal guard, which entailed staying with you at pretty much all hours of the day.

“Just don’t be alarmed when I have to leave periodically for a good chunk of time,” he tried to explain, but he could see the confusion sink deeper the more your brow furrowed, obviously disappointed with the entire situation.

In the moment you were about to reply, a very calculated knock rapped on the door of the entertainment room, almost startling you if it wasn’t for Yukhei’s soft sigh to your side before he pushed himself up from the couch. Against better judgement, he took your chin in his warm soft hand and brought your gaze up to his for a moment.

“I’ll be back, don’t go anywhere,” he told you softly before his fingertips slipped across your jaw as he slithered out the door.

You looked at the white wood, even after it closed, for a solid few moments. What did Sanghyuk even care about Yukhei? It wasn’t as if he didn’t know that Yukhei was your Umbra. The suspicions were fabricated, at best, because nothing had even happened—you didn’t think so, anyway. You sunk further into the couch, turning the volume on your movie down to see if you could pick up on any voices in the foyer, to no avail. The party had definitely been focused outside in the nice evening weather. You tugged the throw blanket off the back of the couch you were sitting on and settled in.

Yukhei, on the other hand, buttoned the coat of his suit as he made an appearance on the patio. He was in job-mode, fully alert, observing everything about everyone at the party as he passed them by. He noted the group of girls who found themselves attached to him the night of the first gala and attempted to avoid them like the plague. Most of the goers were the typicals—the families closely associated with yours via your father who tended to have sons or daughters around your age. No doubt he was attempting to finesse a partnering or betrothing of some kind, but he tried to keep out of the business especially when your father shot him a stink-eye.  

He continued on his round circling the garden and the lower deck where Sanghyuk’s crew typically lingered, but there was one key person missing.

“If it isn’t the princess’ personal guard!” one of them hollered to Yukhei. He attempted to brush the boy off as he continued to look around for Sanghyuk, suspicious that he wasn’t with his typical group and he hadn’t seen him in passing trying to hook up with another girl at the gala.

“Only… he’s missing the princess herself. If he’s out here, she’s gotta be around here somewhere,” one of them sneered and giggled with his pals. It kind of got under Yukhei’s skin, the way they talked about you. If they talked like this in front of him, he didn’t want to know what they kept in their circle.

“Missing your little assignment, Wong Yukhei?” one of them asked, addressing him by name which got his attention in half a second. His hard gaze shot over to them with an inquiring quirk of his brow, wondering how they knew his full name and what their intentions were dogging him like they were.

“Where’s your good for nothing leader, Sanghyuk?” he shot back icily.

“He’s probably off smooching the star of the party,” one laughed, “we know how that gets under your skin.”

Yukhei’s jaw tightened and he thought about you in the entertainment room. He made sure to lock the door behind him, and you knew the code knock so it was unlikely you would have opened the door for anyone else, particularly Sanghyuk.

“Look how bothered he is by that. What’s the matter, Yukhei? A little territorial?” another asked, reaching out to barely brush the sleeve of Yukhei’s coat before he was turning, fitting a crushing grip around the hand of the offender as he glared into the other male’s eyes.

[iraprince]

I found your "thinking out loud" comic, and it hit hard. Ive never been good at articulating my feelings and seeing something that so closely mirrored my own experience was comforting and validating as I was trying to get better. However, I had thought I had gotten through crisis mode and was on the long, difficult rode of recovery and self acceptance. I was wrong. What Im dealing with now is crisis mode. My old problems are getting worse,(part 1 of 2 i know doing this is lame but *shrugs*)

(Part 2) New problems i haven't had to deal with before are showing up, and I don't know how to handle it all. Like you, it's easy for me to see why this is happening. Ive been struggling and wanting to die for awhile. But I've never been able to face these feelings. I've always avoided my feelings or locked them away, so now that I'm actually trying to get better, im facing years worth of unresolved bullshit. And i just don't know if I'm going to make it though all this alive.

i really really get this and i feel like there’s no way for me as a stranger to give u like, life changing advice that’s going to clear everything up. but i can tell u that for me what was really important was like.... i know we hear “mleh mleh just take it one day at a time uwu <3” all the time and it’s like great thanks but every “one day” sucks shit and then the day after that also sucks shit and i’m aware the day after that day will continue to suck shit and — you get what i mean. it’s not really uplifting.

but what worked better for me was realizing that u cant tackle everything that sucks all at once. you HAVE to be okay with other shit sliding while you tackle the One Thing thats fucking up your day more than anything else. right now i’m pretty even keeled and i wouldn’t say Most of my days are fucked up at all, which is insane and i absolutely never would have imagined that for myself. but a couple years ago? 90% of my life was a mess while i worked on the One thing i needed to keep things together, which was “don’t kill yourself, don’t lose your job.” i was managing to get out of bed, go to work, come home — and i lived in ABSOLUTE filth and didn’t take care of myself and barely had a social life even tho i was living in a house with literally 5 other people, almost all of whom i liked perfectly fine. but i was working on the one thing. i zeroed 100% in one “dont kill yourself, don’t lose your job” and i made it through those years and if i’d tried to make my goal “don’t kill yourself don’t lose your job get healthy find a way to socialize besides drinking and keep your space clean and organized” i think i would have accomplished 0% of that instead of 10%.

idk. it’s hard for me to think of a way to phrase this that doesn’t come off as “when you’re mentally ill u can just let everything go to shit and nobody can tell u to try harder bc u cant help it!”, which is the mindset i had in the years BEFORE the years i just described and it Does Not Fucking Work, it hurts the people around you, and it almost killed me. but what i mean is you just really have to have gentle standards for yourself. you have to be okay with expecting less when you’re doing really really badly — and that doesn’t mean not holding yourself accountable and that doesn’t mean never pushing yourself, bc nobody is coming to save you, nobody can make you get better but you, you HAVE to push and you have to do the hard work and you have to fight. but you also have to be realistic about how much of that fight you can do per day and sometimes the amount of fight in your body is really low and weak and... that’s just how it is. sometimes you manage one weak little slap in the face of your illness and it looks like “i woke up, i got up to pee, i drank a few sips of water, and i went straight the fuck back to sleep so i wouldn’t think about killing myself.”

you HAVE to keep fighting to want more for yourself than that. you have to fight and claw and scream and scratch to convince yourself that you deserve better than living like that every day. but you also have to learn to understand that you don’t have that energy every day and sometimes it’s going to look like “i cant do this today. i don’t feel like fighting today, i don’t love myself today, i don’t feel like i want to be better today. but this is storing up energy so i can start screaming again the day after tomorrow.”

all i can tell u is that this isn’t going to beat u, i feel confident abt that even as a complete stranger. bc i’m proud of what i’ve done for myself but i’m not stronger or smarter than anyone else at baseline, i don’t think anyone is stronger or tougher or has ANYTHING at the core that anyone else doesn’t have, from like, a Spirit and Heart standpoint as hokey as that sounds. i can’t tell you it’ll be easy or fast bc it wasn’t for me. but literally every single day i’m glad i didn’t kill myself and sometimes i break down crying over how glad i am that i didn’t do it, out of nowhere in the middle of my day, and i believe in that for you.

[villainever]

"I See You Got What You Wanted": Niko & Villanelle's Relationship + What Gemma's Death Means for Villaneve

i think it’s fairly safe to say that gemma’s death in 2x07 has been one of the most controversial of villanelle’s murders. in this mini-essay, i want to look at the eve-niko-villanelle-gemma dynamic, why villanelle might’ve killed gemma, what that means for the show’s plot, and for villanelle/eve. although in my last post i talked about how villanelle and eve DON’T have an “i / it” relationship, villanelle certainly does position most other people in the “it” category. eve is an exception, not the rule – unless someone really captures villanelle’s attention, she doesn’t really bother to contextualise them as more than an object, or in gemma’s case, a tool.

villanelle is aware of gemma before eve is, and meets her minutes after, as one of her many characters – one specifically designed for interacting with gemma. remember, this is 2x03, and even though raymond has told villanelle that eve isn’t interested in her anymore, she doesn’t believe him yet, because a) she doesn’t view raymond as a reliable source, and b) eve came to julian’s house when villanelle called her, even though they ultimately missed each other. at this point, villanelle is happy with her and eve’s progress, and understands that they’re more connected than they’ve ever been (“she [stabbed me] to show me how much she cares about me” / “sometimes when you love someone, you will do crazy things”). but one obstacle remains between her and eve: niko.

i believe her actions at this juncture reflect how seriously villanelle takes her relationship with eve, and its potential future. because the obvious, easy answer to someone like villanelle would be, “kill niko”. it’s fast and efficient and neatly removes him from the equation. BUT. villanelle has learned from killing anna’s husband that people don’t just bounce back from having a partner murdered, even if they were already having an affair with you. so villanelle takes killing niko completely off the table; she doesn’t want eve to hate her, to resent her even years later, like anna did. notably, though, her first strategy is NOT to tell him about the stabbing, and to try and make him hate/distrust eve. she tries the carrot, not the stick. 

“squirt your perfume in his room so it always smells like you. flatter him. make him doubt his wife.” not only is this transparently from villanelle’s playbook (lmao), it’s an attempt to give gemma a viable plan to solve everyone’s problem: gemma seduces niko > niko leaves eve > eve is single > villanelle and eve rail each other into the next century (i can only assume this is how villanelle’s brain works lol). gemma gets niko, and presumably both are happy and far away. and most importantly, villanelle gets eve for keeps. i think this is probably the max of empathy we can expect from villanelle when it comes to two people she literally couldn’t care less about except for their roles in eve’s life. however, villanelle’s massively impatient. her idea doesn’t work instantly, probably because she’s overestimated niko’s willingness to abandon a long-term relationship for new possibilities and chemistry – and who can blame her, seeing as she’s making her calculations based on eve’s readiness to do the same when villanelle comes into the picture. anyway, villanelle isn’t getting instant results, and then the game changes: eve doesn’t come to amsterdam. villanelle’s suddenly freaking out, because god, what if eve’s not into her anymore, when villanelle still so crazy about her?

so after meeting up with eve in 2x05 – which confirms yet again that this thing between them isn’t something villanelle can bear to lose – she shifts it up a gear, and tells niko that eve stabbed her. it’s the pincer approach: on one side, there’s gemma, looking sweet and simple, and on the other, eve, appearing increasingly grey and complex. obviously, that’s a very easy choice for villanelle, and she’s hoping it is for niko too, only in the opposite direction. everything that makes villanelle like eve more, makes niko like her less. 

then niko and eve hook up in 2x06. villanelle probably kicks over every trash can along the street and taps on all windows creepily to scare people until she feels better. after this, she’s a bit petty with eve until eve reveals that niko left. then it’s all genuine effort at AA, and “maybe eve’s lonely, i should text her”, because hey, the window is open, and impatience cuts both ways. she’s not going to lose the opportunity.

by 2x07, things are going well between villanelle and eve, but villanelle wants reassurance, and insurance. she’s tying up loose ends – getting the recipe, making sure gemma and niko are riding off into the sunset and leaving her and eve alone. side note: while villanelle tells niko that she wants the shepherd’s pie recipe because “eve likes it”, i think it’s also because to villanelle (who loves food) it’s a significant piece of the memory of her first proper meeting with eve in 1x05. she might be hoping it reminds eve of this night too, but even if it doesn’t, villanelle likes it, and it has all-round positive associations for her.

anyway. villanelle asks niko if he loves gemma – no, he doesn’t. he loves eve. “of course i do, she’s my wife”. in this scene, after he says that line, villanelle’s eyes get shiny, like they did in amsterdam, almost like she’s about to cry. ive tried to grab it in the screenshot, but it’s hard when it’s not a gif. 

here’s the thing. i don’t think villanelle would’ve killed gemma if she’d waited until after rome to have this confrontation. why? because in rome, it’s pretty clear that even if niko’s not over eve, eve is pretty much over him. when niko leaves, eve says, “don’t leave me alone!” crucially, this line, this FEAR, isn’t really about him at all. eve’s relationship with villanelle is so volatile that she hasn’t made the leap yet, unsure of the landing. niko is her safety net. we’ve been shown all season that eve’s basically bored with him, and has been since pre-villanelle (“you’ve missed [teacher’s night] for three years”), but she keeps him around so that she has someone. at this point, eve isn’t certain whether she has other people in her life, so she doesn’t want to lose him.

EXCEPT. seeing him with gemma at her house kind of puts him in a new light, and eve’s abruptly faced with exactly how normal he is, and how different they are. earlier that day, she and villanelle were running an undercover op, and villanelle killed someone in broad daylight (at least a lil to impress eve), but here niko is, hanging out with someone who collects music boxes, and is painfully ordinary by contrast. it’s enough to get eve to walk away, but her decision is affirmed in rome. hugo’s more than happy to sleep with her, and far more significantly, villanelle is too. eve’s suddenly available, but villanelle hasn’t lost interest now that the chase is effectively over (they’re hardly enigmas in different countries anymore; they work together and text and have conversations about jealousy). with niko gone, eve ISN’T alone. and i think eve will find that life without a safety net is even more of an adrenaline rush, plus now there’s nobody to slow her down or question her (questionable) decision-making. she’s not thinking about niko AT ALL, and he’s barely crossed her mind this season anyway. but rewind to pre-rome, and villanelle sees an eve/niko reunion as a possibility. now, i really doubt niko would’ve told villanelle he still loved eve if he’d realised it was the wrong answer. in fact, i believe he thinks it is the right answer for villanelle, because he fundamentally misunderstands villaneve’s relationship.

he still thinks it’s a cat-and-mouse, power-trip thing. in season 1, he accuses eve of getting off on being the only one who can predict villanelle (not landing on the fact that it’s villanelle herself eve likes, not just the rush of a high-stakes mission), but even with villanelle saying, “we’re more than friends”, his “what are you talking about?” is actually in response to her telling him she’s forgiven eve – he’s asking, “forgiven her for what?”. niko doesn’t get that villanelle and eve are inherently romantic, albeit in an unconventional (and twisted) way. he does infer that villanelle cares for eve in some way, so i think he incorrectly adds it up, and comes to the conclusion that in 2x07, villanelle’s come to see him and gemma because she’s mad at him for leaving eve, and has come for revenge on eve’s behalf. but she’s not there for revenge, she’s there for closure. and he turns around and does the exact opposite of what she wants. so she kills gemma.

even though many of us were expecting a recurring character death this season (i saw some speculation around hugo, particularly), gemma’s death wasn’t exactly predictable. while villanelle killing people is very par for the course with this show, and killing eve does an excellent job of using close narration to warp viewer’s morality while they watch (another essay in that point), gemma evoked a lot more of an emotional response than villanelle’s typical marks. i think this is for a few reasons. firstly, even though she was far from the show’s coolest or most interesting character, gemma was nice and considerate; she tried to shoot her shot, but she never pushed niko to cheat on eve, and when she met eve, she was kind (and friendly to villanelle too when she was “kim”). secondly, she was really normal – most of killing eve’s cast of characters feel exceptional, almost fantastical in the best way, but gemma was someone you could meet in real life. lastly, gemma didn’t opt-in to any of this; unlike bill, nobody warned her of the risks, and her life was completely extrinsic to the main plot – from her perspective, she basically got killed completely out of nowhere. villanelle won’t kill people eve cares about anymore. she killed bill, when their relationship was nascient, but in 1x05, villanelle telling eve “he was slowing you down” is what prompts eve to reach for the knife that first time before villanelle pins her to the fridge. but eve dislikes gemma, so villanelle decides this is unlikely to have negative repercussions for her.

is she intending to frame niko for murder to eliminate him permanently without killing him? maybe. she did use materials she found on-site (i.e. crime of passion). but villanelle has a certain flair for narrative, and i think if she was trying to do that, she probably would’ve staged some kind of scene to make niko seem more guilty (e.g. a domestic dispute). that said, the murder did have less of her usual drama, so she might be trying to keep it realistic for niko to have done. if yes, this was a bit risky, because it might pull niko into the MI5 investigation, and put him in proximity to eve. what i think is most likely is that, just as villanelle has positive associations with niko’s shepherd’s pie, she’s trying to give niko a negative association with eve. trying to ensure that every time he looks at her, he sees gemma dying for no real reason, sees the harsh reality of the path she’s chosen, and can never be truly close to her again. if it’s niko’s choice to stay away from eve, then eve will be less mad at villanelle – she might be more cross if he got falsely imprisoned. this way, she’ll see him as someone who can’t hack it, just as she already does. and he’ll see how she keeps going on, relatively untroubled, and his image of her as “the best person [he] knows” will be irreparably shattered. so will eve be mad about gemma? im not even sure she’ll find out about it this season. it seems like there’s a lot going on in rome next episode; it might not even come up. honestly, given eve’s current development, i’d guess the consequences will be eve acting huffy at villanelle for a few days in a way that villanelle will weather in relatively good spirits, knowing that once it’s passed, they’re in the clear. eve doesn’t care about gemma, maybe even dislikes her, and if she was able to move past bill’s death, then this is unlikely to bother her that much. with eve, we are able to more and more often see these “i / it” relationships shine through, and to eve as well as villanelle, i think gemma is an “it”. carolyn will probably make this mess go away, to keep her own plans sailing smoothly.

gemma’s murder also has the symbolic value of the death of normality, specifically eve’s normality, which she’s been drifting further and further from over the whole show, but particularly this season. gemma’s body literally has “fragile” written on the murder weapon: eve’s ordinary existence was always fragile, because eve didn’t fit. she’s a sociopath, and her life was a performance that was suffocating her, just as gemma suffocates. personally, i liked gemma, and was quite sad that she died. while i was shocked when it happened, the longer i’ve had to reflect, the less i feel that surprise. part of what makes killing eve fresh is that it doesn’t pull punches, and it’s not interested in trying to make villanelle more human, it’s interested in seeing how far it can take her and still have us love her. given the fates of bill, frank and nadia (she even shot konstantin), this was hardly out of the left field for her – the most notable deviation is that gemma’s death was her last resort, not her first idea. just as eve is changing, villanelle is adapting too. ive mentioned a few times that they’re meeting in the middle, and this is another step towards that. now, for anyone who actually made it through that slog, i have one more point. villanelle is really hung up on niko’s moustache, and i think that’s a great choice from the writers’ room, to have the thing she uses to identify him as being something explicitly masculine. to villanelle, niko is just The Man. The Husband. The “i / it” relationship here is between villanelle and a moustache.

this mini-essay is for @enter-the-mind-of-a-degenerate , who asked in the comments of the last one. if anyone else has any requests, inbox me or reply to this post :D also any and all of your comments give me life, and i have so much fun reading them/the messages you guys send me. 

[kilibaggins]

Murven Idea! Murphy gets really really hurt and loses his ability to use one of his legs, and theres lots of angst and fluff when Raven tries to help (They are already in a relationship when it happens). (Bonus if Murphy gets really hurt when trying to save Raven in some way.)

I'm Sorry

A/N- This idea was so angsty/cute/everything and i really wanted to do it so i did. I hope this is okay, it's not the best writing ive ever done but oh well i guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had been working on the new houses for months so far. lifting the heavy metal walls and keeping them up as others tried to put them together. It has gone well honestly, Murphy was on Wall duty and nobody has gotten hurt yet. That’s until today, at least. Kane had specifically told everyone who wasn’t on wall duty to stay back, but stupidly one of the young kids who survived the Ark falling came in and broke some tech that they needed, SO Raven had to come and take a look at it. 

Raven walks up to the construction area and kneels down to start working on the tech. She has to put her Braced leg stretched to the side while her other leg is under her. Murphy is watching her and smiling as he stands a few feet away under a tent that Kane put  there so The workers wouldn’t sweat to death, and could take breaks when needed. Murphy has found himself under this tent many times when he works himself a bit too hard and Harper would end up having to drag him under the tent and grabs him water. Raven yells at him a lot for that, honestly.

Murphy looks away for a second and he hears it before he sees it, a loud clanking noise coming from where Raven just was, and he quickly looks back. His one smiling face, turns to one of horror in a second before he’s bolting towards raven and yelling for her to move. 

Raven didn't even notice the clanking noise, too focused on her work to worry about outside distractions but then she hears Murphy yell for her.

The metal wall had started falling down, so He came to push her out of danger, only to get caught under it himself. His entire bottom half gets stuck underneath it,face down, and he’s yelling and moaning in pain. She looks at him as Voices start yelling around them and she Quickly Pushes herself closer to him petting his hair. She then leans over and tries to pull the metal wall from him but does not even come close to succeeding. She goes back to Murphy’s head and slowly runs her fingers through his hair. 

“Murphy, hey, it’s okay, i-it’s alright big guy, Breathe for me.” Rave says frantically trying to calm the boy under her down. Murphy lets out a whimper and yells trying to pull himself from the pain but Raven holds him down slightly so he doesn’t cause any more damage. 

“Fuck! It hurts so bad, Raven please.” Murphy says barely knowing what he’s saying. Raven hears Kane yelling to a bunch of guards to come help lift the metal wall from him. Raven feels tears prick her eyes as She hears Murphy begging her to help him, when she knows she can't do much from her spot. Guards come rushing over, as Monty goes running off to find Abby bringing her, along with Clarke, back over to them. The guards lift the metal wall just to slip and have it land back on him again from the inch it had gotten up before. Murphy screams and passes out, causing Raven to look at him in fear. She looks at Abby who is now kneeling down next to them. 

“What the fuck happened, why did he pass out?” She yells at her and Abby puts a reassuring hand on Raven's arm. 

“He passed out from the pain, Now everyone get the wall and pull it up!” She yells at them and the guards listen immediately. When the wall is up just enough to pull Murphy from, Abby grabs his arms and pulls him out, immediately going to check his lower half. She looks up and yells orders to a few people standing by. Raven barely hears her and just stares at Murphy’s face, hoping he doesn’t wake up anytime soon for the treatment because she knows it’ll hurt like hell.

Soon he's being picked up and carried to the Med bay with Raven behind them. She keeps asking a million questions as Murphy gets there. Murphy is put on a bed in the med bay and she yells to everyone to get out of the room, including Raven. 

“Oh, Hell no, You can NOT be serious!” Raven yells getting into Abbys face. Jackson comes and Pulls Raven away whispering in her ear about how it’s for the best, and locking her out of the room. She yells out and sits on a bench in the waiting room. 

2 hours later Raven hears Murphy’s voice coming from the room. and Raven gets up immediately opening the medbay door. 

“I- A-Abby, i , uh i mean Dr. Griffin. I can't feel my Leg.” Murphy says in fear as he looks up at her. Abby quickly picks up a small needle and walks to Murphy's leg. 

“Which one, John?” Abby asks softly and Murphy gestures to His left leg, causing Abby to softly poke it with the needle and Murphy shakes his head Quickly, Raven can see Murphy’s eyes are filled with fear and sadness. Her heart breaks as she watches Murphy completely deflate and break. A few tears fall from his eyes and Abby leaves the room to give them some time alone. 

“F-fucking poetic huh? The asshole who made a girls Left leg stop working, gets his leg paralyzed.” Murphy Choked out and slams his head back on to he bed. Raven walks up to him and puts her hand on his chest. He look sup to her with pain in his eyes. 

“I would have never wished this upon you. Even back when it first happened.” Raven says, her eyes getting misty. Murphy takes a deep shudder breath than whimpers on the breath out. He looks up at Raven and She leans down and kisses him on the lips softly. 

“It’ll be okay, Murph. Don’t worry okay? You’ll learn to live with it just the way I have. Soon enough you’ll Probably feel normal with it this way.” Raven says laughing softly, though a few tears are still running down her cheeks. Murphy nods and sighs. 

“My body still hurts.” He groans out softly, looking up at her with pain evident on his face and Raven pets his hair. 

“Get some rest, Cockroach.” Raven says sweetly and Murphy smiles softly and closes his eyes, his body slowly falling asleep. Raven watches Murphy sleep for a bit, then goes to her workshop. She grabs all the materials she needs and gets to work. 

Two weeks later when Murphy wakes up one morning Raven is sitting next to him in a chair, with something red in her lap. He looks at her in confusion and She smiles Standing up and she moves to Murphy’s left leg and slowly starts to put a contraption on it. He slowly starts understanding and tears up. 

“Raven, What... When?” Murphy is just watching her when he tries to speak, watching her hands move so softly as if she’ll hurt him, even though he can’t feel a thing. She slowly puts it all in place, wrapping the straps around his leg slowly, probably trying to show Murphy every step. 

“I made you a brace! It’s almost identical to mine, I just painted the straps and everything Red because i know it’s your favorite color!” Raven says and finishes strapping it to him. She smiles down at him and slowly grabs his hand pulling him into a sitting position. She helps him get both his legs off the bed and she reaches for his hands. He grabs her hands and gets pulled up to stand. He smirks when he realizes he could actually walk with the thing and leans down to kiss Raven softly. 

“Thanks, Grease Princess It's going to work so well." He says and Raven nods. 

“It’s the least I could do when i'm the one who got you to be this way.” She says and looks down frowning. Murphy closes his eyes and shakes his head. 

“No, Dont do that.” Murphy says cupping her chin and angling it towards him. “Don’t blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault. Wrong place wrong time that’s all this was.” He says seriously and leans down to bring Her into a kiss. 

“I’m the one who wasn’t paying attention, i should have paid more attention...” Raven says sadly but Murphy just pulls her closer and deepens the kiss. They have no clue how long they kissed, a few seconds? A minute? Hours? They don’t know and they honestly don’t care. Raven pulls away and grabs Murphy’s hand slowly taking him to their room. Murphy smirks and follows closely behind. 

They enter their room and Raven slowly pushes Murphy down onto the bed laying next to him. 

"Y'know. Ever since we started getting closer you'd tell me that it  wasn't my fault i did it to you. But at the end of the day I'm the one who shot you. It was my fault. This though?" He gestures to his leg that's still in its brace, "This wasn't something you did to me. It just happened." Raven looks up at him and smiles softly running her hand down his clothed chest. 

"I forgave you a long time ago. You were terrified. You didn't want to die and you felt like everyone was going to Hurt you. It's okay. Yes, you made those mistakes but now? You're a better person." Raven trails her hands down Murphy's body down to his leg. She unstraps the brace and sets it next to the bed. She runs her hand up his leg slowly watching Murphy's face as he sadly watches, not being able to feel anything. Her hand runs higher and higher until her hand touched the part of his body between his hip and his thigh. He gasps and shudders and then smiles down at her. She smiles back and keeps touching the area he can feel. 

"R-raven? What are you doing?" Murphy asks her softly. She smiles back up at him and she leans up to unzip his pants and slowly pull them down his legs. Murphy watches her biting his lip. When his pants are off and out of the way, Raven leans down and kisses Murphy's left leg. Murphy swears he can feel it. It's a phantom touch he knows it is. From hours of Raven kissing every single inch of his body, he has basically memorized the soft touch of her lips. She softly runs her lips along the leg he can't feel and Murphy thinks that this isn't really for him. Well, It is slightly. He knows she's doing this so he knows that she loves him no matter what, But he also thinks it's more for her to feel better about the situation. He did the same thing to her leg when they started dating. 

"Let me take care of you. And no, you cockroach, I'm not being sexual." Raven says smirking up at Murphy before he can say anything cocky. Murphy sighs loudly and lays back on he bed completely realizing his body. Raven continues kissing his leg, then she makes her way to his other leg, which he can most definitely feel, and it feels so soft and gentle. He feels himself fall asleep as Raven slowly raises his shirt kissing up his stomach, 

"Raven... I love you." Murphy says softly before his eyes slip shut, obviously still exhausted from all that he's been through the past two weeks. Raven smiles up at him and finishes trailing kisses up his chest, slowly raising the shirt along with her movements. She slips the shirt up and off of him as he lays there limp and asleep. She lays down next to him and lays her head on his chest. 

"I love you too Murphy... I'm Sorry."

-Tags-

Permanent

@livinglikepogues @httpxsiren

[quirkykayleetam]

Empty Shell

Hello!  This is an entry in the Broken Pieces series.  The previous piece is Kind Restraints and can be found by that title or the tags of any of the main characters.

“We have a problem.”

Special Agent Daniel Wei looked up from his desk at Morgan Security to find his boss scowling down at him.  He took a sip of coffee.

“You remember that Jonathan kid?”

Daniel nodded.  How could he forget? 

 Despite the “Security” in the name Morgan Security, most of his assignments since joining the firm eight years ago were pretty tame.  Intimidation was the name of the game for the most part.  Sometimes he got to make people feel safe.  Those days he drank less coffee and whistled on the car ride home.  

What happened with the kid...?  Daniel hadn’t seen anyone hurt that badly since his time in the service.  He tried not to dwell on the fact that all that damage was done a 26-year-old civilian just protecting his job, but the image of Jay’s protruding ribs still woke him up at night.

“It’s his caretaker.  Apparently she ordered Jones around like a schoolboy.  Spit in Wilson’s face for good measure.  They’re off the case, effective immediately.”

“Who is she?”

“Some brood named Evelyn or Emily or something, though the boys are calling her something else.”

Daniel’s boss chucked.  Daniel didn’t.

“Look, Wei, I know it’s not your usual gig, but this whole thing is still on a need-to-know basis.  I got managers breathing down my neck that nobody else even hears a fart about what happened.”

Unceremoniously, he dropped a bundle of blue medical files on Daniel’s desk.

“As of now, you’re the kid’s case worker for the firm.  You screw this up and it's your neck on the line, not mine, you hear me?  The whole thing was fucked from the start if you ask me.”

Daniel didn’t hear him.  All he could see were the pictures closely documenting the welts, cuts, and bruises down Jay’s left side.  They must have been taken the night of his rescue sometime after Jay passed out in Daniel’s trunk.

The agent took another long drought of coffee.  Apparently he was going to have more nightmares tonight.

Daniel arrived early at the hospital the next morning.

Jay was already awake.  A nurse in pink patterned scrubs slowly spooned swallows of lukewarm eggs into the patient's mouth.

Daniel looked away.

He pretended it was for Jay’s sake.  Being spoon fed had to be a humiliating reminder of the computer scientist’s immobilized hands.

In reality, he couldn’t handle the look in Jay’s eyes.

Jay stared unseeing at the blank hospital wall in front of them.  It was as if they came back to themselves any further they’d have to feel the pain and trauma and heartbreak of everything they went through and, at least now, early in the morning, forced to rely on strangers and IVs and pain meds just to survive, Jay’s body couldn’t handle it.  It reverted into an empty shell.

Instead, Daniel found the figure slumped near the opposite wall.  Elizabeth “Beth” Martinez, 38-year-old Art Department secretary at Landring Community College, looked like she’d collapsed more than fallen asleep in the stiff metal chair by Jay’s bed.  Her mouth hung open a little and her hands stretched out on the armrest toward Jay.  A rumbled duffel bag huddled under her feet.  It couldn’t have held more than two sweaters and three pairs of socks, but Beth obviously wasn’t leaving that room unless she had to.

A flurry of movement brought Daniel’s eyes back to the nurse and her charge.

“We’ve just got a new protein shake in.  It’s chocolate!  I know it’s just breakfast, but you need to get some meat on your bones.”

She set the brown liquid and straw within reach of Jay’s mouth, but instead of taking a sip, Jay’s eyes went wide.

Jay lashed out, spooking the nurse and sending thick chocolate liquid puddling across the tile floor.  Before Daniel could blink, Beth was by Jay’s side, rubbing their back as they buried their face in her neck.

“Don’t drink it!  Don’t drink it, Beth!” Jay half yelled, half sobbed.

“I won’t.  I promise, Jay.”

“It...It’s poisoned.  You never know how it’s gonna hurt you, but it always does.  I know, I know I need it.  I have to stay alive, have to keep them away from you, but I’m tired, Beth.  I’m so weak and tired, I don’t know what to do…”

With gentle hands, Beth gripped both sides of Jay’s face.  She moved them upward until she could look Jay in the eyes.

“Jay, when you were at Princeton and your dad died and you drove miles and miles home in your roommate’s car just so you could be there for your mom as soon as possible, were you weak for wanting to sleep when you got back?”

“N...No.”

“It’s okay to be tired, Jay.  It’s like, I don’t know, warriors on watch.  You’ve done your job protecting us.  Now it’s your turn to rest so we can take care of you.”

Daniel Wei left the hospital without a word.  He had work to do.

***

Weeks later, the agent returned to find Jay sitting at a table on the other side of the room.  Their hands were still in splints.  They still had dark circles under their eyes.  They stared at the table like its solid plastic was grounding them.

Daniel bit back a sigh as the kid didn’t even look up as he entered the room.

Then there was a kerfuffle behind him.

“Aha!” Beth said, bursting through the door.  “I finally found a nurse who doesn’t do the Chronicle Sunday crossword at ass o’clock in the morning!  Jay-bird we are good to go.”

Jay’s eyes lit up as Beth smacked the paper down in front of him and grabbed another chair.  For the first time, Daniel realized they were blue.

“Bet you stole it,” they said quietly.

Beth hand flew out of her purse where she was rooting for a pencil and struck above her heart.

“I am deadly offended that you would even think that I would stoop to such things, especially on the day of our Lord!  I asked, thank you very much!  Besides, if you’re so against stealing, maybe I shouldn’t give you your other treat…”

“You’d withhold a treat from a poor invalid?” Jay deadpanned.  “Oh my poor arm.”

Beth chucked.  Jay smiled.

“I know you’re having trouble with straws, Jay-bird, but I thought, maybe…”

Beth pulled a purple aluminum can out of her purse.

Jay leaned forward eagerly, but then made himself pause.

“Am I allowed to…?”

“Hell, I don’t see why not!  They’re trying to get calories into you anyway that they can.  Junk food is only gonna help with that!”

Beth popped the tab on the Grape Crush and stuck a straw in it, moving it toward Jay as she nudged his foot companionably.

Tentatively, Jay took a sip.  Then a swig.  Then a gulp that took up half the bottle.

“Whoa, slow down there Jay-bird.  They will kick me out of here if you die from a sugar high.”

“It tastes like capitalism,” Jay sighed.

“And?”

“And not like hospital food!”

“Good!  Then this will be the first of our illegal smuggling adventures, deal?”

“Deal.”

There was a pause as Jay savored his soda.

Daniel cleared his throat.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, Jay,” he said.  “I’m Special Agent Daniel Wei from Morgan Security.  Would you mind if I borrowed Ms. Martinez for a few minutes?”

Jay looked at Beth who nodded wearily and got up to follow Daniel out the door.

***

As soon as Daniel and Beth got settled in an empty conference room, her whole demeanor changed.  Her smile slid into a tight thin line and she squared her shoulders even as they fell a few inches.

“So, Agent,” she said.  “When are we going to be able to get him out of here?”

“Jay’s casts home off in two weeks.  If he passes all his physical examinations, I don’t see any reason for him to stay longer than that.”

“Good.  And where we’re going?  I assume you’ve got all of that sorted.  There are a few things I’d like to bring with me, but everything else can go.”

Beth clenched her jaw as she said the words.

Daniel closed his eyes.

Here was a woman trying to hold the world together for a kid who’d completely lost his life.  In the process she was losing hers too.  If he made her, she would have to go back into that hospital room and tell Jay that everything was working out perfectly even if she didn’t know where they were going to be tomorrow or what Morgan Security would require of them.  And she’d do it.  He could see that weary determination in her deep brown eyes and he knew exactly how hard she’d come down on all of them if they pushed Jay too hard.

“We’ll continue to pay for your old apartments as long as we need to,” Daniel promised.  “You’ll be able to get your stuff whenever you need to, whether that means going back yourself or letting us hire folks to get it for you.  We won’t make you leave things behind.  Not when they’re as important as Grape Crush.”

Beth didn’t smile, but her shoulders relaxed a little.

“As for where you’re going…”

Daniel passed a manila folder across the table to Beth.

“The firm picked out a safe house with the latest security.  It’s off the grid with the best locks and monitors and motion detectors money can buy.  And, for lack of a better word, it’s a bunker.  I saw the place where they were keeping him Ms. Martinez.  I thought Jay might prefer something more homey.”

Holding his breath, he took out another file.

“This holding just came on the market.  It’s not far outside the city.  You’d have to drive longer for doctor’s visits, but you’d have access to a public pool and a park a few blocks away.  I made sure that it was only one story so you wouldn’t have any problems with dizziness and falling from Jay’s pain medications.”

“And it has windows,” Beth said softly.

“And it has windows,” Daniel said.  “It looks like a home.”

He cleared his throat.

“There is one more thing about this property that you should know about that’s not in the papers.”

Beth looked up.

“I understand Jay has been seeing a Morgan Security psychiatrist.”

Beth almost sprung out of her chair.

“Look, I get it!  You want to know what happened to him.  You want him to tell you the story of every mark to make sure he didn’t tattle when they beat him half to death.  Just don’t bring me into it.  I’m not spying for you.  I’m trying to make him better while you’re focused on your own damn pride!”

“I agree.”

“What?”

“Jay needs someone who understands what he’s going through and is focused on his recovery, not his worth to any company,” Daniel said calmly.  “Next door to this address is Dr. Stephens.  He’s an old army buddy who specialized in special service members and PTSD.  This would not be his first time working with the aftereffects of torture.  Jay might still have to meet with the Morgan Security doc for appearances sake, but Dr. Stephens has promised to see him off the books.  Doctor/patient confidentiality would apply.”

That made Beth deflate completely.

“Do you really think this Dr. Stephens could help?  Jay talks more in his sleep than he does in person.  I still don’t know what’s going to set him off and I just…I just want him to feel safe.”

Daniel placed his hand on her, cold on the tan plastic table.

“So do I.”

***

Daniel returned Beth to Jay’s hospital room with the hope of a smile on his face.  Before the could close the door, the pair started bickering about the answer to the crossword’s 27 Across.  Beth held her pencil like a dagger while Jay batted at it with ineffective, casted hands.  Through it all, their feet remained pressed together with comfortable pressure, reminding each other that they were there and they weren’t going away.

Like that night long ago when he rescued Jay, Daniel pulled out his cell phone and dialed Morgan Security.  His boss picked up.

“No sir, there’s no problem,” Daniel said.  “I just need to get a copy of the Chronicle delivered outside the city to Westover drive.  Yes, this is a matter of great importance.”

Filling the “Empty Shell” square with Original Characters for @badthingshappenbingo​!  I think I’m setting a record for filling the most squares without actually making any of them line up lol.

Tagging the Broken Pieces Crew: (If you want to be added or taken off this list, just let me know!):  @stoic-whumpee​​​​, @whatwasmyprevioususername​​​​, @whumpty-dumpty-fell-off-the-wall​​​​, @straight-to-the-pain​​​​, @castielamigos-whump-side-blog​​​​, @0idril0​​​​, @fallingstormphoenix​​​​, @whump-fantasies​​​​, @imagination1reality0​​​​, @whumpback-wail​​​, @whump-tr0pes​​​, @untilthepainstarts​​​, @captivity-whump​​, @burtlederp​​, @redwingedwhump​​, @whumpiary​​, @captivity-whump​​, @blue-flare10​

All credit to @stoic-whumpee​ for the idea of making Daniel a main character.