#ive shit myself twice in the last 24 hours

[percivaljacksons]

preview

hi ive decided to stop taking myself so seriously -- when i finish this it'll go on ao3 as a oneshot, but this is what ive got so far of angsty divers au (no it still does not have a title). rated somewhere between t and m. can i get a hell yeah in the chat? um have fun lol.

..

NYT: A lot of headlines have already declared this as the discovery of the century—one even as the discovery of the millenia. Did you envision such a momentous breakthrough in your career?

PJ: Uh, no. I didn’t think I was gonna graduate high school. You can laugh, dude, but I’m not joking. This has all been one crazy ride. My life changed forever the moment I met Annabeth Chase. 

//

What Annabeth remembers, during the nights she tries not to:

The cold. The blackness so thick they might as well have been diving in ink. Percy’s mouthpiece, warm when he pressed it to her lips every twelve seconds. She’d breathe in, then tap his wrist twice, and it would disappear once more.

They’ve always been good at nonverbal communication. A twitch of an eyebrow here, a sideways glance there. She knows when he’s rolling his eyes without having to look. He always manages to pass her a tissue right before she sneezes.

Annabeth wonders if they’ll ever get out from beneath what they said to each other, down in the Pit, where neither of them could utter a single word.

//

The phone rings five times, tinny and faint in Annabeth’s ear as she waits. She’s breathing hard, her hair still dripping and her suit peeled down to her waist, a pair of sunglasses her only real protection against the late afternoon Mediterranean sun. 

The ringing cuts off, and a groggy voice says, “yeah?”

Annabeth glances down at her watch. “Percy?” She asks. 

There’s a beat. When the voice speaks again, it’s perfectly awake. “Annabeth?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I…I thought you’d be awake by now.”

“I’m in San Diego.”

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m—I’m fine. Good, I’m good. Are you?”

“Yeah.” His voice is quiet, almost wistful. “Why the new phone number?”

“It’s temporary. I’m in Greece.” She listens to him breathe, feels her own heart settle. 

“Greece,” he repeats.

Her thumb smooths over the shard of pottery in her hand. “Yeah. How soon can you get here?”

“To Greece? Shit, Annabeth, I don’t—”

“I found it,” she says. A glance over her shoulder tells her that her two grad students are laughing as they organize her gear and not paying attention to her at all, but she lowers her voice anyway. “I saw it, Percy. It’s real.” She breathes in, then out. The boat rocks under her. “I found it,” she repeats.

Static crackles in her ear. “I’ll be there in 24 hours,” Percy says.

//

They’d gone down together, which was stupid. So much of it was stupid with even a few hours of hindsight. No one coming down after them, thinking they knew the cave too well to get lost, believing that doing everything right meant that they were safe.

Stupid. 

The light clipped onto her suit only illuminated about a twelve inches past her flippers. She could see the walls on either side, the familiar steadily making way for the unfamiliar as they descended to the section only Percy had explored. 

Percy’s flipper tapped her head. He was reminding her to stop and equalize her ear pressure, so she did. He was more experienced diving in salt water. It saved her life, in the end—she had her nose pinched and her mouth firmly closed when she got slammed into the wall regulator yoke first. 

The straps on her chest jerked from the release of pressure, but it was the feeling of the bubbles rapidly flowing up her that let her know she was really, truly fucked.

//

It’s been six months since the Pit, and three since they last saw each other in person. Annabeth thought he was in New York, Percy probably thought she was—well, Annabeth doesn’t actually know. Probably not where she’s been. 

She’s been in Sicily and Ostia and around sixteen different Greek and Turkish islands. She hasn’t stayed in one place long enough for her mind to settle, has managed to outrun every shadow that clung to her pumping heels, only now her throat burns and her muscles ache and Percy meets her at the arrivals gate in Athens with a fresh tan and an unsure smile and Annabeth is all too aware that her months of avoidance have come to an end. 

Percy comes to a stop a foot or so away from her, tantalizingly close. Within arm’s reach. “Hey,” he says. 

His hair is long enough that he needs a band to keep his bangs out of his eyes. She recognizes it—it’s the same one she’d used to keep her own hair from falling in her face when it started to grow back after she’d chopped it five and a half months ago. The duffel bag thrown over his shoulder is also hers, and so is the necklace peeking out from beneath his collar. 

Annabeth hugs him because she wants to kiss him. “Hi,” she responds. 

The duffel bag hits the floor. His arms wrap around her, fierce and firm, and she buries her face in the warm skin of his neck. Stubble scratches against her cheek; Annabeth breathes easy for the first time in something like twelve weeks. 

“I thought you might send one of your grad students,” he says. His arms stay locked around her. 

“You got on the first flight you could,” Annabeth responds, her voice muffled. “Least I could do was meet you halfway.”

His fingertips press the tiniest bit harder into her spine. “Thanks,” he whispers into her hair. 

Annabeth’s own necklace digs into her jaw. I’ve missed you, she says with the nudge of her nose against his pulse. 

He rocks them back and forth, just barely. I’ve missed you, too, he responds with the graze of his palms over her back. 

Annabeth takes a breath, takes in the unchanged feeling coursing through her blood, and finally manages to take a step back. “You ready?” She asks. 

Percy’s smile is dazzling. “You bet your bippy I am.”

Annabeth leads him to her rental with loosely linked fingers, her steps so light she’s half convinced she could walk right over the Mediterranean itself. 

//

The last time they saw each other—the last time she saw him—it had been in the artificial brightness of their living room. Annabeth hadn’t slept in days, Percy hardly ever looked her in the eye, and neither of them could muster the strength to turn off even their tiniest, most ineffective lamp. 

No matter how many times Annabeth took deep breaths, she was still gasping for air. 

Percy would turn on the shower and stare at the water hitting the other side of the curtain, the bathroom door firmly shut, and then turn the faucet off again without ever stepping in. 

They curled up together every night, their bedroom lit up like a department store, her fingertips leaving bruises in his hips and shoulders, and if they were lucky sometimes one of them could fall asleep. 

Annabeth left New York. Percy didn’t follow her. 

//

One of her grad students picks them up from the dock. They were the only passengers on the boat from the mainland, so she’s the only person waiting, leaning against a rusty pickup truck filled with scuba equipment. She’s also lazily smoking a cigarette, her bright blue hair lit up a striking cobalt by the sun. 

She drops the cigarette and twists her foot over it the moment she sees them approach. “Doctor,” she greets with a grin that’s a little too innocent. 

Annabeth glares at her. “Pick that up. We’re not here to litter.”

The grad student sticks a hand out to shake Percy’s. “Hey, I’m Lucy. You the pottery guy?”

“I leave for one day and your hair is blue,” Annabeth mutters, taking the duffel bag from Percy’s shoulder and tossing it into the back. “If you’ve been smoking in the truck…”

Lucy rolls her eyes. “No, Mom, I haven’t been smoking in the truck. My hair’s blue because Mitchell won our bet, don’t worry about it. I didn’t even stain the towels.”

“I like it,” Percy says. 

“See?” Lucy says. She bends down and picks up her cigarette butt when Annabeth keeps glaring. “The pottery guy gets it.”

“Um—” Percy tries to say. 

“This is Percy,” Annabeth explains. “He’s not a pottery guy.”

“When’s the pottery guy getting here, then?”

Annabeth goes around to the driver’s side and gets in the truck instead of answering. Lucy shrugs and moves the passenger seat up to slide into the rear bench, waving Percy away when he tries to get in. He sits in the front with a shrug once Lucy’s knees are out of the way, and the moment his seatbelt is buckled Annabeth tears out of the marina parking lot. 

“So.” Lucy’s fingers tap along the backs of their chairs. “If you’re not a pottery guy, who are you? ‘Cuz Annabeth found a piece of pottery on her dive two days ago and took off outta here like Icarus on his way to freedom.”

It’s a weird simile, but Annabeth doesn’t respond. When Percy turns to look at her, her eyes don’t even stray from the road. 

“You didn’t tell them?” He asks. 

Annabeth grunts. Percy keeps staring at her, wondering which question he should answer, and eventually says to Lucy, “Annabeth and I…” He sighs. “Well, we go way back. How long have you been her student?” 

“A few months,” Lucy says. 

Percy smiles and turns to look out the window. They’re along the coast now, and the ocean is blue like a jolly rancher. “She doesn’t need a pottery guy,” he says.

Lucy raises her eyebrows. She looks at Percy, then at Annabeth, then back to Percy again. “Totally explains everything,” she says, and the rest of the drive passes in silence. 

//

For weeks after the Pit, Annabeth was on the edge of a panic attack whenever she couldn’t feel Percy beside her. She knew why, logically. The therapist explained it, and everyone was so goddamn understanding. Grover, and Sally, and Piper, and Nico, and Clarisse.

Even her mother, under the thick layer of I-told-you-so that she didn’t bother to try and hide.

What can you say, when your head finally has broken free of the water? When all light is blinding, when you can’t get rid of the taste of salt on your lips?

What can you say to the person who pulled you back to life, when you’re the only reason his soul grazed the razor edge of death in the first place?

//

“Why are the vibes, like, literally rancid?” Mitchell mutters, loading the extra gear his advisor always insists on bringing onto the boat.

“Girl, if I knew,” Lucy responds, shaking her head. 

“You could help, you know.”

“I picked them up from the dock! No, don’t put the yoke by the O2—”

“You do it, then!”

“Fine.”

She joins him, loading in silence. After a minute:

“$5 they’ve boned.”

“You’re so on.”

//

They put their gear on together, her reaching out to zip him up without prompting and him holding her tank steady so she can slide her arms through the straps. They don’t have to look at each other to do it, so they don’t. 

Annabeth only glances over once they’re finished. His eyes are hidden behind his diving mask, and Annabeth’s heart migrates to her throat.

The last time she’d seen him like that had been—

“Ready?” She asks.

Percy nods. She goes in first, and he follows.

He’s still following, even now. But that’s Percy. 

From above the surface, it looks like a rock. A big rock, sure, but not dissimilar from the jutting stones that surround a lot of the Mediterranean, the jagged edges that contrast the white sand beaches. That’s been her main research tactic, recently—where do the tourists avoid? What stone has been left unturned, what looks so innocuous from above that no one would ever suspect it was an X, marking a very secret spot?

Under the surface, it’s a different story. Not an obvious story, but at this point Annabeth could navigate each curve and edge in her sleep. She does, on the nights she doesn’t dream of a blackness like tar. 

It’s a bright enough day that sunlight streaks through the water a good twenty feet down, exposing the imposing face of stone. There isn’t an entrance, really, but there’s nooks and crannies and crevices, and Annabeth is the particular kind of crazy to have wiggled her way through every single one she could. 

On instinct, she reaches down and clicks on one of her flashlights. With a confident flick of her feet, she propels herself towards the opening that started it all. 

There are three flashlights clipped to the straps around her shoulders. When she had zipped up Percy’s suit, she had noticed the four he had clipped to his.

She finds the optical illusion, the uneven meeting that looks like a solid wall. If you stare at it long enough, the ripples of light coming through the water reveal it for what it is. She presses forward, and just like six months ago Percy goes where she leads.

From there, it’s memory. Through the cave system, careful and slow, even as her heart pounds. Under the archway, chipped away from the rock, a little too even to be natural. She pauses under it and taps it with one hand. Percy nods in response. He sees it. He knows.

After the archway, it’s left until the opening below, leading down to darker and colder waters. Annabeth checks her backup flashlights, braces herself, and heads down. 

She doesn’t look to see if Percy follows. He either will or he won’t. 

The space gets smaller, then larger, jagged edges of rock cutting into the path. This wasn’t an entrance, as far as Annabeth can tell, but it’s the only way in she’s found so far. Everything else has been long since blocked off by time. Earthquakes, rockslides, storms, erosion, all of the above. It’s proper cave diving because of it, something that Percy has infinitely more experience in.

She reaches the air pocket and pops her head out. She takes a breath of stale, cave air and waits. A faint light grows steadily brighter.

Percy’s head pops above the water. He lets his rebreather drop from his mouth.

“Holy shit,” he says. “Annabeth, this is—”

Annabeth reaches through the water and grabs onto his rebreather with her left hand. Her right hand is busy clutching her own. They’re both attached to their diving tanks, obviously, but…

His hand covers her own. “I’ve got it,” he says softly. “I’m sorry.”

Annabeth yanks her hand back. “Right,” she says. “Did you see the arch? I’m thinking 4,500, maybe earlier.”

Water drips from the low ceiling above them onto Percy’s diving mask. He doesn’t even blink.

“Plato said 9,600,” he teases.

“I know what Plato said.” Annabeth rolls her eyes. “What did he know?”

“4,000,” Percy says, shaking his head, “is neolithic settlers in Thera, precursors to the Minoans. Annabeth, that’s…that’s—”

“—the Older Peron,” she finishes. “The timing makes perfect sense, but I think there was something else. I mean, look at where we are. There were the rising sea levels during Holocene Epoch, sure, but—”

“—it was never at sea level,” Percy realizes. He gestures around them, splashing her with water. “It was already below sea level. Which is why—”

“—the rise was so devastating,” Annabeth continues, building on his enthusiasm. “They had fortifications of natural rock but—”

“—they were effectively trapped when the levels rose unexpectedly!” His voice echoes off the walls around them. “We’ve been going deeper and deeper this whole dive.”

“Probably a storm,” Annabeth says. “It was gradual, and then a big storm caught them off guard. They…they probably starved, if they didn’t drown. Those who didn’t made their way to Crete and kicked off the Bronze Age.”

The slow drip of water is the only sound between them for a long moment. 

“Where’d you find the pottery?” Percy finally asks.

“Up ahead. Ten minutes, maybe.”

“Is it all submerged?”

“I don’t know,” Annabeth admits. “Maybe, maybe not. I called you as soon as I had anything concrete.”

He takes his mouthpiece out of the water and slots it between his lips. Annabeth does the same, then heads back under to show him the way. She’s so excited to show him that she can barely even feel how the water has gotten gradually colder during their dive. It had freaked her out, her first few times trying to navigate the crags of the cave. 

Caves are always cold. It’s why they have wetsuits. Annabeth only wishes it wouldn’t take so goddamn long for her to warm up again once she was above the surface.

//

NYT: Your preliminary article talks a lot about the Holocene epoch. What does that have to you with your discovery?

PJ: Right, yeah, so that’s—we’re in that right now. That’s our current geological epoch. It’s an interglacial period equivalent to MIS 1, and started around 11,700 years ago. Basically, ‘Holocene’ is two Ancient Greek words smushed together meaning an ‘entirely new’ age. In terms of, like, humanity, it’s when all of our written history and technological revolutions have happened. It’s all happened since the last ice age ended those 12,000 years ago. In terms of my research—which is our research, really—it’s thinking about the impact of the vast warming of the planet after the last ice age and what that might be able to tell us about pre-Minoan civilizations in the Mediterranean.

NYT: Are you talking about global warming? I think of that being a lot more recent than 12,000 years ago.

PJ: Eh. It’s kinda relative. Pretty much anything is global warming after an ice age, you know? We do split the Holocene into three main eras of slight cooling and warming, but our sweet spot is around 7,500 years ago, when the Mediterranean especially was having to deal with rapid sea level rise and colder waters. Can I be honest with you, dude?

NYT: Of course. 

PJ: Everyone thought we were f****** crazy.

//

Later, back on the boat, Mitchell throws together some PB&Js for them to devour. The two of them eat quickly, tired from the dive, and don’t speak. Mitchell always uses a little too much peanut butter, and it sticks to the roof of Annabeth’s mouth, but that isn’t why she stays quiet.

There’s a lot between them besides the silence.

“This is everything I’ve ever wanted,” she eventually says, staring at the unassuming point of rock above the water. Just a rock that was really the cave that held the answer she’d spent her life searching for. Will they call it Chase Cave? Probably not, at this point. She’s glad. Something about that smarts—her greatest achievement marked by her father’s name.

“Is it?” Percy asks. His hair is wet, mussed up from when he yanked off his hood. There’s still a faint red oval around his eyes and nose.

She turns to face him more fully. They’ve never worn jewelry when they went in the water, and earlier she’d caught the faint tan line around the fourth finger of his left hand. He still wears it, or wore it recently enough to still have its mark.

Annabeth looks back to the rock. It’s much easier to stare at. “Almost,” she says.

//

NYT: Where do you go from here? Back to Berkley? Columbia? Are you staying in Greece?

PJ: Honestly… [Laughs] anywhere that offers us a tenure track. We’re open to suggestions! Our RateMyProfessor scores are through the roof, man. At this point, I’d even say yes to NYU.

//

“Berkley’s funding you?” Percy asks.

Annabeth nods, swallowing the mouthful of wine she’d been letting sit in her mouth. It’s easy to get lost in it—early signs of the sunset, Percy backlit by it all, wearing a loose blue shirt with the collar open so she can see his collarbones, her necklace nestled right in the middle. Missing him has been as frequent as breathing. She doesn’t quite know how to handle having him right across the table from her.

“Damn.” His mouth twists in that charming, trying-not-to-smile way. “What a coup.”

Annabeth snorts. “Right? I don’t know that she’ll ever talk to me again.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Percy grabs an olive from their shared plate and pops it in his mouth. “She’s going to milk your relationship for every grant she applies for until the day she retires. Or dies.”

“Fuck.” Annabeth takes a larger sip of wine and closes her eyes. “You’re right. Goddamn it.”

“Hey, it’s been known to happen.” She opens her eyes again just in time to see the smile slip properly onto his face. “Good thing she made sure that you didn’t share any kind of name.”

Annabeth raises her wine. Percy grabs his water and follows suit, his tan-lined finger wrapping around the glass. “To Dr. Sofia Athena,” Annabeth says. “A name that has had no lasting impact on the study of archeology and the world’s shittiest mother.”

“Hear hear!” 

They clink their glasses and drink. 

The sun sinks below the ocean, pink orange red streaked across the sky, and below the table Percy rests the length of his leg against her own. 

//

Percy kept waking up with bruises on his wrist, his forearm, along the edge of his ribs. She never remembered grabbing him that tightly, hadn’t roused from sleep for a moment, didn’t even know that she was capable of gripping him like that.

She kept thinking about his life before she came into it, kept thinking about his childhood and his aversion to alcohol, and kept spending her mornings throwing up bile.

He held her hair back. He kissed the space behind her ear. He took it all, right up until the day she left.

//

They leave the restaurant as dusk slips into evening. Everything drips blue, and they could go back to the ramshackle house Annabeth’s been renting for three weeks and go to sleep. They should, really. Tomorrow all of the difficult stuff starts, the phone calls and the grant applications and fierce defense of their life’s work. 

But Percy takes a deep, sucking breath in, and his hands in his pockets. He lets it out again, a satisfied sigh, and jerks his head towards the horizon invitingly, and Annabeth already knows she’s going to agree to whatever he’s going to ask. 

“What?” She asks. 

“Want to go for a walk?” He asks. “It’s a beautiful night.” 

He’s right. She wants to. Still, she hesitates. 

“On the beach?”

“Why not? There’s a sandy bit down there.”

Annabeth can think of at least seven reasons that they really should not. Up against Percy’s relaxed posture and open expression, none of them put up a fight. 

“Alright,” she agrees. 

He doesn’t offer his hand, so she doesn’t take it, but when they start to walk towards the shore, their elbows brush with every other step. 

//

“Don’t be ridiculous, Annabeth.”

Annabeth’s head snaps back. “I’m not being ridiculous,” she says.

Her mother shoots her a look, her face half obscured by her office’s desktop monitor. “You’re turning one of Plato’s metaphors into a pipe dream of a discovery. It’s not like you.”

Annabeth takes a deep, controlled breath in. “I’m not basing the entirety of my research on Plato.”

“You’ve found another source that references Atlantis?”

“Not exactly,” Annabeth admits begrudgingly. “But—”

“Annabeth.”

“Just because they don’t call it the same thing that Plato did—”

“Lower your voice, please,” her mother says, turning her focus back to her computer. She starts to type, her face impassive.

Annabeth seethes. Quietly. “The study of Stone Age civilizations always requires careful historiographical reading into the Bronze and Iron ages. Their interpretation of history is a valid course of investigation for today’s scholarship.”

Her mother sighs and closes her eyes for a brief, devastating moment. “You’re a promising archeologist, Annabeth, but…”

Always a but. 

“...these caves, and the diving, well…” Her mother finally gives her undivided attention. “It’s not difficult to see where you got the idea.”

Annabeth digs the fingernails of her left hand into her palm and tries her best to keep the tears at bay. “I’m not plagiarizing research ideas.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?”

“This research project just happened to pop up right as you started seeing a scuba diver? That’s a sheer coincidence?”

“He’s not a—”

“Oh, he wears an anklet.”

“He’s a marine archeologist! That’s literally part of your department.”

“They’ve tacked on an adjective before the word ‘archeologist.’ Is that supposed to—”

Annabeth slams her binder down on her mother’s desk, a savage satisfaction building in her chest at finally being the one who gets to interrupt. “I’m not debating this with you,” she says, her voice filled with finality. “My research has to do with Pre-Minoan Thera and early Bronze Age art and documentation. Read it or don’t. If you don’t fund me, someone else will.”

Her mother rises from her seat in one graceful movement, her eyes dark and swirling storm clouds. Annabeth realizes that they’re the same height; she’d never noticed that before.

“Who approached you?” Her mother asks. “USC? BU?”

Annabeth lets the smile that stretches across her face be as bitter as it wants to be. “I’m a Chase,” she says. She knows it’s a twist of the knife. “Who wouldn’t fund me?”

//

The sand is cold between her toes. The wind off the water is warm and makes Percy’s shirt flap around and hug the contours of his torso for brief, devastating moments. Annabeth focuses on putting one foot in front of the other and not on the way this whole night has felt like a date.

“I kind of want to get in,” Percy says. 

“What?”

“The water,” he clarifies. “I want to get in. Don’t you?” 

Annabeth gapes at him. It’s only been three months. He went in with her earlier, even followed her into a cave, but this is different. This is a walk along the beach with their shoes in their hands and stupid small talk that hasn’t been getting at any of the things they should probably be working through.

Percy drops his flip-flops. He only has to undo one more button to be able to pull his shirt off over his head. Annabeth keeps looking—obviously—as he shucks off his pants and adds them to the pile, too. 

There are little slices of pizza decorating his boxers. 

There’s a tiny, innocuous breath of hesitation. Is he thinking about stripping all the way down? Is he balking now that he’s facing the might of the ocean? 

In the end, he goes towards the water confidently, his boxers still on, and calls back once his ankles are submerged. “You coming?”

Annabeth slips the straps of her dress over her shoulders and lets it fall to the sand, kicking it over to join Percy’s pile of clothes. After her own moment of hesitation, she slips the chain around her neck off and wraps it around her hand, clutching the bulk of it tight in her palm. She won’t leave it on the beach, but she won’t lose it to the ocean, either. 

By the time she’s up to her calves, Percy’s already dunked himself under and come back up again, hair slicked back and water dripping down his chest. He’s got a slight t-shirt tan she hadn’t noticed before.

“How far do you want to go out?” She asks him.

“We’ll freeze if we stay like this,” he says, goosebumps all along his arms with his wet torso exposed to the breeze. A tiny wave crashes right behind him and sends him staggering a foot or so. “Past the break?”

The wave hits her next, soaking through her bra and splashing salt up onto her cheeks. “Sure.”

They wade out together and dive through the next wave in perfect unison. When she comes back up, brushing the water out of her eyes, all that’s left of it are bubbles bursting against her skin. The water settles around her shoulders; when she looks over, Percy’s eyes are lined up perfectly with hers. Bending his knees, probably. Staying under the water to stay warm, or stay on her level, or some mixture of the two. 

“Warmer than I thought,” Annabeth admits.

Percy smiles. She wishes the moon would rise, so she could see the emerald cut of his eyes better. “That’s almost like saying I was right.”

“Almost,” she agrees, smiling right back. 

“We probably could’ve stripped all the way down. When in Rome, and all that.”

“We’re not on Naxos.” She shudders. “Never again.”

That makes him laugh, finally. “Come on, it was a cultural exchange!”

“A-bah-bah,” Annabeth tuts, raising a finger. “It’s one of the sacred three.”

Percy rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Ice water, air conditioning, and we don’t have to look at wrinkly old dudes naked. U-S-A, U-S-A.”

“And don’t forget it.”

“How could I?” He replies softly. 

Annabeth resists the urge to curse. There goes their lighthearted small talk. 

She dreams of Naxos. Not of the famous nude beaches or Percy laughing at her horrified expressions, but of the crisp white sheets of their hotel room and the faint red imprints of her teeth against the perfect bronze of his tan. She dreams of the purest conversations they’ve ever had, the ones they had crammed together on their Juliet balcony and the ones that passed with skin pressed close and no words spoken at all. 

The dreams are always exact mirrors of memory, flawless from start to finish, loving and being loved. She never wakes up before an orgasm or before the sun had finally risen that first morning and lit up the muscles of Percy’s back like a goddamn Yuriy Petrenko painting. It’s complete contentment, morning breath and a sort of pulled hamstring halfway through, no detail lost.

But she always wakes up, and Percy’s not there, and reality feels like a nightmare.

“You’re not wearing your ring,” Percy breathes out.

“Neither are you.”

“I took it off to dive.” His head tilts, just slightly, and Annabeth’s eyes slide down his neck to her necklace. She catches the smallest glint of metal through the water and clenches her fist around her own ring, so tightly that the chain digs into the meat of her hand. 

“So did I,” she says.

His mouth quirks up. “Okay.”. 

“San Diego,” she starts, weirdly confident from the wine or the quiet or Percy being right in front of her again. “Did you get an—”

“I’m still on sabbatical. Staying with Tyson.” A wave laps up and covers his chin for a second. “He says hi, by the way.”

“He’s good?”

“Mhm. Trying to teach me pottery.”

Annabeth grins. “Are you any good?”

“Obviously not. It’s better than, like, baby goat yoga with Grover.”

“So that’s why you’re not in Portland.”

“Uh, that and the human baby they’re very enthusiastically trying to create. Barf.”

She splashes him in the face. “Shut up. What? Since when?”

He spits the water that got into his mouth out in a beautiful arch. “I can’t believe he told me before you! Like, a few months now. I think they maybe kept it hush-hush because…”

The waves crash against the sand. Annabeth knows what he was going to say. She can hear it in the squint of his eyelids, the exact angle tilt of his eyebrows. It’s kind of comforting—she still knows how. 

“That’s amazing,” she says, her voice quiet. “He’s going to be such a good dad.”

A swell of water builds towards them, and their toes leave the sand in the same moment, the tiniest push to keep their chins above the surface. 

“He accidentally synced our Google calendars,” Percy admits after a second. There’s a dangerous kind of glint in his eye, the one that Annabeth has always been a little bit in love with. “They, like, scheduled it.”

Annabeth gasps. “No.”

He nods, dunking half of his face in the process. “I know so much about Juni’s ovulation cycle that I can’t unlearn—”

“Percy!” Annabeth objects, as though she’s not laughing through it. “That’s such a violation of their privacy—”

“It’s not like I wanted to know it!” He laughs right back. “Grover apologized, like, six times. Juni called to ask if we ever did any fertility rituals. I did not need that boundary broken.”

Annabeth covers her face with one hand and ducks herself under the water. The muted sounds, the sting of the salt, the knowledge that she could reach out and touch him—she breaks the surface again. “Why would we have done a fertility ritual? We don’t have kids!”

“I think maybe she thought we’d done one to prevent it. Anti-fa, right?”

“I know you know that’s not what that is.”

His straight face breaks. “You thought it was funny, though.”

“No comment.” 

“Hey, don’t be mad. I told her our sexytime is exclusively based on passion. No scheduling involved.”

Annabeth wrinkles her nose. “A good excel spreadsheet is kind of hot, though.”

“Oh my god.”

“Like, a color-coded one.” She rolls back her eyes and moans. “With tabs.” 

It’s so easy to tease him, so natural to fall back into their rhythm, to turn off the filter in her brain and let the conversation go wherever it’s going to. It’s so easy to forget why they were half a world away from each other. 

He splashes her this time, only she’s already laughing, eyes closed and ready for it. She hears his laughter join hers before she sees it, low and infectious. 

Annabeth could stay here forever, high on her life’s mission accomplished and Percy right in front of her, both of their heads above the water, both of them laughing. She would make this second of air stretch on forever, only then she wouldn’t get what comes next.

She opens her eyes against the sting of the salt and sees him, the jut of his collarbone above the foam, his hair curling a little bit around his ears where it’s beginning to dry. She could look at him forever, watch as the crinkles around his eyes go soft and fade, as his mouth settles from a grin into something smoother, more familiar.

“Wanna kiss you,” he mumbles. The waves push him closer, or he moves closer, or Annabeth does.

“I thought we based our sexytime exclusively on passion,” Annabeth responds.

The heat of Percy’s torso presses up against hers. “Don’t be a dick,” he whispers.

Percy’s mouth slides hot against hers, rough-soft in the very particular way he always is, and waves lap at their shoulders and Annabeth thinks something about baptism and then thinks about nothing at all for as long as she’s able.

//

“Sometimes I think we never got out,” she whispers to him one night. 

They’re wrapped around each other in the blaring light from both of their nightstands. It’s some time past three in the morning.

“Like, this is all a dream?” He asks.

“No.” She presses her nose against his chest, breathes him in. “I just still feel it. I started down there and it never stopped.”

She feels the breath shudder out of him. “Yeah,” he agrees.

..

[daddyd0nt]

My mom literally said if I hold off suicide long enough to die of natural causes and don't actually hurt anybody before it happens she will be proud of me and like she said it out of love because I said how much i was struggling not to SH in some way and how sometimes i lay in my bed for a few hours like a dead person like with my arms pinned down to my side completely rigid and still and do nothing but just focus on being still and not acting on the impulse and like its pathetic i was an honor student my whole life and like Ive been super down lately because it kind of blows to get formally yoinked out of society and told you're not fit to be around people and like spending time in and out of the psych wards for the actually dangerous people and not even totally feeling like you don't belong there like over the years its been less and less times in the short term ones where u go after u cut/attempt (those kind of places won't even take me on unless I have a 1 to 1 staff 24/7 including when im sleeping, showering, or using the bathroom) but now when I go in I usually go in to one where there are a lot of people who are Displaying Symptoms and like people who are probably never going to go home who are there because they did fucked up shit but were too crazy to go to jail and like honestly those are the nicer ones they have better food and better/cleaner facilities and more structured rec time so like when people are Displaying Symptoms constantly and Im polite and quiet and just read a lot and don't make extra work for anybody and basically get along with everybody without any significant conflict I get showered with praise the way I did for being super compliant in school and like its fucked but that's the only time recently that I've been able to feel okay about myself or at least felt like I wasn't an unmanageable burden.

Like it fucks with me so much that I had to leave my Job I was there for 2 years and I loved it and was one of the best most competent employees and got so much positive feedback and the job was something I was good at and enjoyed like it made me so happy I loved going to work but I had to step away because at a certain point I had to accept that not only could I physically not sustain the amount of medication that I needed to get though a shift but mentally it wasn't cool for me to be in the state that I was in doing that kind of work I was doing I felt so good about myself when I was working at that job like it sucks but it essentially came down to the therapist I was seeing at the time saying in so many words that she would try to have me sectioned if I didn't make the choice to go on the SSI after I was approved for it and like pretty much "you need to rest and if you don't rest voluntarily we will MAKE you rest" like they are just now over 6 months later considering looking into a day program for me twice a week where they like take u supervised in a group out into the community to the mall and the grocery store and shops and shit/set u up with volunteer opportunities but like now that Im not living with B and looking to move into a smaller place closer to my family so I can at least see them more and help my dad with stuff around the house and have an excuse to do something other than just getting high all day which sounds nice but yeah my case worker and the Drs at the last hospital I was at and my old therapist keep trying to convince my to accept a "supervised living situation" aka a group home which like fuck that so hard when Im in the hospital Im usually one of like 3 people who isnt in a group home Im not going to live like a goddamn teenager so that some doctors who only understand me as far as they've read about the conditions I am diagnosed with in a book can have peace of mind but yeah that's why my most recent or maybe 2nd most recent therapist dropped

"If something kills you before you kill yourself or hurt somebody else you will have exceeded expectations and made us proud" jesus wept the fucking bar is in hell

[kronicallykieran]

I am an adult, I should not need diapers!

[spearxwind]

Part 1: Hey! I love your art/OCS and your blog has introduced me to your friends who also have awesome OCs. This made me notice that Tumblr and Twitter seem to interact with original characters differently. I'd love to meet people and friends who'd like to interact with my OC doodles, but Twitter feels like a difficult space to get interaction, despite more artists moving over there. Whereas years ago, I had ask blogs for my fan-made and original characters which received plenty of interaction.

hi! yeah, from my experience twitter is a lot more eh... hostile when it comes to looking for interaction. it's a site that runs on people making short slapstick posts, with very limited characters, so people generally cant even talk a lot about their ocs in the first place. twitter also hides long threads, condenses them in your feed so you dont really see them

most artists have moved there bc of the nsfw ban, and generally twitter has a lot more users, so its a lot easier to find an audience IF, and only IF you already have a couple people to spread your posts around, bc twitter doesnt have the same kind of tagging system as tumblr does

ive definitely found more artists to follow through twitter but because of the super fast paced nature of the site (and also my short attention span) i dont really have time to get to know about peoples ocs at all

to answer your questions though:

1. posting on tumblr now gets me a LOT less interaction/notes than it used to. legit. i get maybe, 100-200 notes tops on normal posts when years ago i used to get twice or three times that. i get SOME more on generally popular ocs/designs bc people are like oohhh ahhh aesthetic but yeah. HOWEVER, it DOES occassionally get me curious people asking questions about my ocs which is ultimately what i really want. posting on twitter gets me a lot more attention (i mean, fucking compare my latest art, 340 notes on tumblr versus 4k total on twitter) but all the interaction with that tweet is people going 'oohh ahh thats so cool!!' but on tumblr SOMETIMES MAYBE i get questions going like ‘so based on ur last art, does oc do X’ or i get anons saying funny shit and its rly nice, i dont rly get that on twitter a whole lot 

2. dont fucking know how i drew in my crowd. i wish i did though so i could avoid it lmao. ii know back in 2015 i racked up a bunch of people/notoriety bc of httyd2 and i kinda rode that out into dragons and then creatures and then edgy stuff. i also am usually the one going out to people and going ‘wow ur ocs are sick bro can u tell me about them pwease’ especially on here bc again, its so much harder to do that on twitter

last notes: 

- ive seen ppl on twitter make side accounts specifically for oc talking. i myself have a personal account where i just go off abt ocs on occassion, but its also my private account that maybe 4 friends have total, i dont allow random people in. i rly wish i could do that on here though o

- on twitter anything you post will be gone from peoples feeds in 24 hours roughly. thats just how it is. you dont see people retweeting things that are super old unless the artist themself rts it and gets it circling for a day or two more. and yet without doing jack shit i have posts of mine circulating here on tumblr for fucking years, inexplicably. people are still reblogging my httyd posts, and following me for some very specific fanart i made in 2017 and i am like.why are you here. how did you find this 

- i HAVE seen my shit stolen/ripped off on tumblr a lot more than twitter though, but i think thats just because its easier for ppl on twitter to slip under the radar if they never interact with u. who knows though i havent exactly studied this 

idk if any of this is helpful but its my personal experience. im just rly biased towards twitter i hate it. i wish i could leave but 99% of my client base is there so i cant -_-

[macklives]

hi. so..... its been a while huh? feels kinda weird making a message on here, after what??? a month of not posting at fucking all??

and idk how to say that im sorry for taking so long, especially with kallie kinda sticking with me pretty much the whole time i was away. so we both kinda went AFK on everybody. and by god, this has also been the longest gap between updates. so yeah... i feel you all are owed an explanation. 

id like to give a short summary of what went down in my life recently. not so much as an excuse for my disappearance, but bearing in mind, i can't just come back suddenly without a notice as to why it took so long, and then start discussing homestuck theories as if nothing happened, that would be ...weird and off putting. im known as one to talk a lot in a post, so i think its expected. buckle up kiddos, this may be a long one, which you dont have to necessarily read, but im simply putting it out there for you all in case any of you may have been worried or confused. 

ALSO, keep in mind im alright with sharing this information because i needed some time to get over it in order to accept it, and being able to say this stuff means im pretty much ready to move on and go back to what it was like before (which for someone who has trouble focussing, can get quite fucking hard). so here's the last few months in a nutshell:

i got my wisdom teeth pulled so i was both in pain and numb for a week and a half after being drugged up with, idk, the IV they use to knock you tf out and that needle to numb your teeth?? and having those bad boys outta my mouth so that was a fun time. fuck that shit.

uhhh on the more upsetting side of things, a friend of mine recently passed away, but i took some time to recover from that. i didnt want to bum everybody out by liveblogging while in that state, nor did i feel like it was right to make jokes at that time (for obvious reasons) so i took some time off. and while i do still care for that person, after a while you have to come to terms that your life can't evolve around grief, and you have to move on eventually. its been a month and im doing way better than i was in the first week. so you dont have to worry really.. i even heard about the messages friends wrote on discord and let me tell you that i appreciate every response, i love all of them, i love all of you guys, but if any of you worry about me as of today, just know im doing perfectly fine and thats behind me now. so yeah, thats the worst of the news..

on less distressing matters, i changed up my job! i used to be a waitress at a restaurant to get that not so mucho money cash flowing, and now i got a full time placement as an intern (sort of full-time. full-time with student conditions). which in hindsight, to some may not sound like its any helpful, but considering im in my final year of college and i have to explore new places to get experience, id rather go where its needed so i reach that specific goal in mind. and you have to start somewhere, so this is where ill start heading. though i do still have to graduate which will take a lot of stress out of me eventually but it hasnt yet caught up lol... yikes to when that fuse blows in the future. 

and finally, the most frustrating part of the month, idk who it was specifically, the company or the landlord, but eh details arent that important, anyways, the landlord and/or its agency messed up with our rental situation and lost a lot of our info so i had to spend a lot of time trying to get that back while also filling out tax returns bc those were finally put out. so yeah, we kinda just have to wait for a notice, though i personally think everything will be fine. we’re considering moving out eventually, but thats probably gonna have to wait a bit longer. while we’re still angry, the landlord respected that it was out of line and apologised while making it up to us, so that was fair enough.

so YEAH, you can pretty much say its been one hell of a fucking month, and i had barely any time to liveblog let alone be in contact with friends that i kinda missed so fucking much????... i basically didnt want to bring anybody down with me (emotionally or mentally), so i decided to at least give you all a warning that i wouldnt be on for a while, hence the last update a few weeks prior, and to take a break for myself to figure out my situation, to rest, and to try and get healthier despite that wisdom fuck week, which nobody warned me wisdom teeth removals were ABSOLUTE HELL

but... im glad to be back, im not sure ill get back into the rhythm of how things used to be, meaning, posting almost every day....that would have to wait a bit unfortunately. however, i think it would be best if i made a sort of schedule for myself. maybe a liveblog twice a week, starting the next. it would help out a lot. i hope to start off with that at least, and not push myself too hard for hours anymore nor the stress of needing to post daily. i loved it, dont get me wrong, but sometimes it took a lot out of me since i know it takes a lot of my time. that being said, i will be on discord, maybe tomorrow? and probably be more active on there from now on, since everything is sorta cleared in my life and there's no more hectic commotion 24/7. the only thing at this rate stopping me from being active is having family over in the next couple weeks. but otherwise, yeah, its good to be back and im again sorry for my absence once more.

yours, 

mackenzie <33

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

[weirdlizard26]

all 100 questions but ONLY if you want to or have the time to do it :3

hello tumblr dot com 

i skipped the ones i didnt want to or didnt know how to answer also im gkdfngkdf sorry i dont think this is very amusing to read and gosh i hope the readmore works 

1. What is you middle name?

dont have one ✌️

2. How old are you?

19

3. When is your birthday?

uhhhhhhhh april 19th but dont tell anyone

4. What is your zodiac sign?

aries 

5. What is your favorite color?

GREEN

6. What’s your lucky number?

i dont think i have one? 25 is pretty cool tho

7. Do you have any pets?

not currently :(

8. Where are you from?

ukraine ✌️

9. How tall are you?

5’4 i think?? idk we use meters here

10. What shoe size are you?

i have no idea

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

more than 7 idk the exact number akjfnkdgndkf

12. What was your last dream about?

i was lost in a video game maize and it was green thats all i remember

13. What talents do you have?

singing i guess?? 

14. Are you psychic in any way?

if “sending the exact same message as my partner at the exact same time” counts then yeah i guess

15. Favorite song?

phoenix by burnout syndromes is GOOD 

16. Favorite movie?

mamma mia here we go again (2018)

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

my partner is my ideal partner uwu

19. Do you want a church wedding?

nooooo

20. Are you religious?

not really? i think god might exist but i dont vibe with any religion i know of

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

haha yeah twice

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

not yet

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

nah

24. Baths or showers?

showerrrrrrrrrr

25. What color socks are you wearing?

baby blue with blue snowflakes hehe

26. Have you ever been famous?

do i look like

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

i would like my music to be known but being a celebrity myself sounds exhausting

28. What type of music do you like?

ah yes my two favorite genres, haikyuu ost and lemon demon

but in general my music taste is a bit of everything i think. i dont vibe with everything but i do vibe with a lot

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

i have no idea what this means and im too scared to google

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

a single pillow

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

no idea

32. How big is your house?

its just an apartment and theres like. two rooms, kitchen, and a bathroom. so. not that big i guess but not the smallest either kgjdfnkgd

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

sandwichesssssss

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

nah

35. Have you ever tried archery?

when i was in middle school my friend and i would pick up sticks and make bows out of them and use other sticks as arrows and it was really cool

36. Favorite clean word?

love

37. Favorite swear word?

shit

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

about 48 hours

39. Do you have any scars?

if you count 1 or 2 scars from chickenpox then i guess

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

gdnkfgdfgdf i guess you could say that

41. Are you a good liar?

apparently no kgjdfkjgndfkg

42. Are you a good judge of character?

nope!

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i can do a ukrainian accent i guess and also say some words with a british accent but thats it i think

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont think so

45. What is your favorite accent?

i love languages ok every accent is so fascinating to study 

46. What is your personality type?

infp-t i think

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

i dont think i have any expensive clothes, theyre mostly second hand kgjdnfkgd

48. Can you curl your tongue?

i guess??

50. Left or right handed?

rightie

51. Are you scared of spiders?

i like observing them from a safe distance but i dont particularly enjoy being close to them

52. Favorite food?

fried chicken,,

53. Favorite foreign food?

i like ramen but im not sure if the one i tried was a real one or not

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

it depends! 

55. Most used phrases?

quotes from songs

56. Most used word?

love

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

QUITE A WHILE KDNDKDBDN

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

i dont eat lollipops gkjdfngkjdf

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yeah a lot

61. Do you sing to yourself?

yeah a lot kjdkdndks

62. Are you a good singer?

people say that yes

63. Biggest Fear?

losing my friends 

64. Are you a gossip?

nah

66. Do you like long or short hair?

cutting my hair real short,,,,, my biggest most unattainable dream 😔😔😔

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

i am. not american ksnkdnddk

68. Favorite school subject?

math 

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introvert 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

never

71. What makes you nervous?

everything 

72. Are you scared of the dark?

yeah

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

i used to but not anymore

74. Are you ticklish?

y yeah why are you asking 

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

nah

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

i was my class representative in middle school but nobody ever listened to what i say and i didn't really say anything and i was only doing it because nobody else wanted to and our teacher thought im very responsible so this probably doesn't count

77. Have you ever drank underage?

yeah but only with my family and ive never gotten drunk

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

haha let's just say they didn't like me back

80. How many piercings do you have?

just my ears and i regret it

81. Can you roll your Rs?

yeah man im slavic kdndkdn

82. How fast can you type?

real fast

83. How fast can you run?

not real fast 😔

84. What color is your hair?

dark brown

85. What color are your eyes?

dark green

86. What are you allergic to?

idk i used to have some allergies i don't have anymore and i know im still allergic to something but idk what it is

87. Do you keep a journal?

i used to! but it got too exhausting and time consuming 

89. Do you like your age?

not really 

90. What makes you angry?

injustice 

91. Do you like your own name?

yeah willy is a good name :)

94. What are you strengths?

i think im a good listener 

95. What are your weaknesses?

do you want in alphabetical order or

96. How did you get your name?

from jay :)) (thank u Jay) 

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

i doubt it

100. Color of your room?

white kdbdkdb

[malafight]

Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

[wickymicky]

you know, i used to say that Egoist or Hi High were my number one favorite kpop songs (it went back and forth, i think i was most vocal about Egoist being my number one but there were times when i felt like it was Hi High), but like... idk... like aside from So What, i feel like i’ve barely listened to Loona at all so far this year, and honestly it’s been like six or seven months, maybe eight or nine, since i regularly listened to Loona every day (again, aside from So What).... i’ve listened to Egoist, a song that i considered my favorite kpop song hands down for the majority of the time i’ve been into kpop, like ten times this year and that’s it... and some of those times were because i had the thought “oh jeez i havent listened to this song in a long time, i should do that... i’m betraying it...”

i wonder if i only kept saying/thinking that egoist is my favorite kpop song because i said it once and i had to stick to it... i think its pretty clear to any mutuals i have that my actual favorite kpop song is something like picky picky though, a song i actually post about all the time and listen to really frequently...

:/

so yeah, there’s no easy way to say this, but it really feels like i’m hanging on to Loona out of a sense of loyalty more than anything else :( it’s hard to put into words but listening to Loona feels kinda different these days. knowing more about how they decided things on the fly and how rushed the selection of the final members was (and how little the members were told) kinda... like... doesn’t it change how you listen to a song like New or Egoist? it certainly gives a lot more context to Yves being really shy in those first loonatvs she was in... and Olivia’s experience with her debut was such a whirlwind, like, she was just kind of thrust into the group... i have soooo much respect for all the members for being able to handle it, and i think it’s a fuckin miracle that it worked and they ended up with twelve incredible members, all of whom are so talented and any group would be lucky to have them, but even still just... some of the fun is lost a little bit for me. and I can’t listen to Everyday I Love You, one of my favorite Loona songs, without thinking of how much Vivi’s potential has been wasted. it turned a song that i have fun while listening to into one that makes me frustrated or sad. 

for whatever reason, i feel less of that when listening to ot12 stuff, even if some members get shit for lines, tho tbh, and this is a really hot take and i’m sorry... but i’m really mostly just into their three title tracks (and Favorite i guess), i rarely listen to their bsides.. they don’t hit me the same way, i guess. anyway though it’s the predebut stuff that makes me frustrated or sad. i cant help but empathize and think of what they must be feeling in the predebut era... happiness and excitement sure, but also nervousness, anxiety, stress, etc... the one by one debut concept was novel and it ended up working out in a sense, but at what cost? it was able to work out because the yyxy members were brought in at the last minute, Hyeju literally with only like 24 hours before they were gonna reveal the next member, and with all the changes we know about like Vivi probably being intended to be in OEC and things like that, and trainees that BBC had who for whatever reason ended up being rejected also probably at the last minute in favor of the yyxy members who were brought on... sigh... idk

it feels like it’s getting harder and harder to be a fan of this group, too. as they get more popular and more recognition, the fandom is growing, and with that comes a lot more drama, none of which i particularly care about (aside from the stuff relating to the group itself, as i’ve been talking about). they got their first win, and i was happy at the time, but... i’m worried about their future. it’s not that i wish they didnt get their first win, it’s just... i hope this doesnt make BBC feel validated in overworking and over-controlling them, you know? i want to believe that a lot has changed for the better since after Butterfly, especially when Jaden Jeong left, but we just have no way of knowing that for sure. there’s evidence for both sides, so at the end of the day, all we can do is speculate, and that doesnt really help anything. 

it sucks to admit this to myself but i feel like i’m losing interest in this group because of all this. whenever i’ve watched loona content from the So What era, sometimes they do seem happy, but even then there’s this feeling that they’re stressed and tired. are they happy? again, we can only speculate, so it’s best not to, but i cant stop my idiot brain from assuming the worst and picking up on signals that might not even actually be there, it’s just confirmation bias. maybe i only feel like theyre not at 100% because i’m already worried theyre not at 100%, you know? hmmm. also, i just... don’t think i feel the same connection with this group that i used to. maybe i never really did, tbh. they were my first group, my introduction to kpop, and i genuinely love some of their stuff still, but i feel like as i’ve gotten sooooo much more understanding of this whole kpop industry and i can put loona’s discography in context with aaaaaallllllll the other kpop songs i’ve listened to.... i feel like a lot of their stuff hasn’t aged as well as i would want, for me. you know how sometimes you wonder how much of what you like is really stuff you like, and how much is only because other people like it so you subconsciously feel you have to too? well, at first i would have said i genuinely love all of it and i could explain why, but idk i think i was convincing myself of some of it... as ive found more stuff that i genuinely love, it becomes clearer what are my things and what arent, you know? when i only knew 30 kpop songs and had 5 super-favorites, it was easier to overestimate some things, but now that i know hundreds and have a really deep pool of super-favorites, some of that early stuff i found is overshadowed, i guess. maybe egoist isnt as special to me anymore cause like.. at the time, i hadnt heard many kpop songs like it, but now... i have. and some of them do what it does just as well................. if not better............... sigh, i feel like im punching my past self in the gut

if this hurts you to read cause you’re a huge orbit, trust me, i know what you mean, it hurts to admit this. it kinda sucks to realize that you’re slowly losing interest in something you once loved and was incredibly important to you. 

oh and by the way, when i talk about losing interest, i dont mean that i dont care about loona anymore lmao, i just mean theyre going from my number 1 or 2 or 3 spot down to like my number 5 or 6 or 7 spot haha, alongside other groups that i like a lot but don’t follow the same way i follow my ults. so like even if i continue feeling this way about them, theyre still one of my favorite groups lol. like i guess i would kinda place them around where i would place twice or another group like that in my top 10? anyway... i just had to get this all off my chest. it started out being a post just about egoist and kinda hi high too, but then i realized i had a lot more to say haha, sorry. hopefully this doesnt upset anyone, idk, i hope you understand where im coming from :(

[1112lw]

Every question!!

SDFFSDFG DAM OK SIS

LONG POST AHEAD IF U LITERALLY WANNA KNOW ME PERSONALLY JUST READ THIS LMFAO

1: Name: Arche/Jupiter, my close friends know my real name so!

2: Age: High school has just been done so try to guess

3: Fears: Heights, oral presentations, the dark

4: 3 things I love: Drawing, men- concept art n stuff like that

5: 4 turns on: Oh here we go- uhh thighs, messy hair? when they give u The Look or when they. say things i will not talk about here HHGBDF n uhhh Arms 👀👀

6: 4 turns off: weird macho attitude, overly confident bullshit, being selfish and fuckboys in general

7: My best friend: not sure what this means but my bff is named Daphnée n i love her and ive known her my whole life so 

8: Sexual orientation: homosexuale

9: My best first date: :))))))) as if

10: How tall am I: sigh. I’m 5″4

11: What do I miss: sometimes i miss the feeling loved ig

12: What time were I born: 12:19

13: Favourite color: pink!

14: Do I have a crush

15: Favourite quote: My senior quote!! “if what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I’m telling you I’m immortal”

16: Favourite place: well? my room ig? I like my yard too

17: Favourite food: ugh ramen,,,korean dishes are TASTE as fuck but i also like classic ass spaghetti so like lol

18: Do I use sarcasm: does it look like i dont

19: What am I listening to right now: dr.phil LMFAO

20: First thing I notice in new person: Hair and eyes!! also how they laugh

21: Shoe size: Like. a 7-8 in women’s 6 in men’s 

22: Eye color: Hazel/Golden yes bitch let me be special

23: Hair color: it’s either dark brown or golden brown idk

24: Favourite style of clothing: bruv its either kpoppie fuckboy or uwu skirts pastels

25: Ever done a prank call?: no i have anxiety

26: Meaning behind my URL:

27: Favourite movie: rise of the guardians and HTTYD

28: Favourite song: Comeback Home (BTS cover)

29: Favourite band: looks in the camera i dont know nan molla huh

30: How I feel right now: I’m fine im hungry

31: Someone I love: shoutout to my babeys in my server ily

32: My current relationship status: Single(tm)

33: My relationship with my parents: theyre fine ig just a bit tired

34: Favourite holiday:

35: Tattoos and piercing I have: Ear piercings? that’s it

36: Tattoos and piercings I want:

37: The reason I joined Tumblr:

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I sure hope not?

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? A bit ig?

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Literally no

41: When did I last hold hands? Like last Friday

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i havent shaved in like months

44: Where am I right now? in my room, in quebec, canada

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? bitch i sure hope my friends would

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? fuck my ears 

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yeah

48: Am I excited for anything? yeah? yeah

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? ig? always

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? just at work tbh

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? not long ago i cant tell but my friends r cuddle monsters so 

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i havent kissed anyone so 

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lemme think uhhh no not rlly im not dumb 

54: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up n i thought i had school lol

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? oh john cock i want to be ur best friend

56: What do I think about most? i daydream 24/7

57: What’s my strangest talent? uhhh i can put my thumb behind my hand?

58: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia, if thats “weird”

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? depends on what the video is, mostly behind

60: What was the last lie I told? idk answering to my deadname

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? online

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I slightly believe in ghosts? also aliens GOTTA exist so 

63: Do I believe in magic? i think!

64: Do I believe in luck? yeah

65: What’s the weather like right now? very pretty i filmed a video outside!!

66: What was the last book I’ve read? L’Étranger d’Albert Camus in french class

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes my dad’s a mechanic

68: Do I have any nicknames? a lot a lot

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? bitch @ my birth #neverforget 

70: Do I spend money or save it? i have 40$ in my name right now

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yes highlighter

73: Favourite animal? cats or otters

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? FBISDFD NO WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name idk he can have any last name he wants!!!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? everytime i start hearing “waiting for you anpanman” or “i just wanna go home” 👀👀

77: How can you win my heart? aaahh. be a twink. b fashionable. b funny. cheesy. pls romance me like a npc in the sims 2

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? s(he) died smh

79: What is my favorite word? cunt is SUCH a satisfying word

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? oh great uh honestly cant be fucked 

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? please have brain. PLEASE

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? i sure hope the fuck not?

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? either invisibility or mind reading

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ahaaa “what are your intrusive thoughts”

85: What is my current desktop picture? my lesbian sims getting married LMFAO

86: Had sex? no

87: Bought condoms? no

88: Gotten pregnant? NO

89: Failed a class? i think yeah maths last year

90: Kissed a boy? :(((

91: Kissed a girl? no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

93: Had job? I have a job rn so 

94: Left the house without my wallet? yeah when i go to school

95: Bullied someone on the internet? define bullying?

96: Had sex in public? virgin squad

97: Played on a sports team? yeah

98: Smoked weed? no ew

99: Did drugs? no ew

100: Smoked cigarettes? NO EW

101: Drank alcohol? yep 

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no i’d die

103: Been overweight? i’m twig

104: Been underweight? i think i was underweight when i was young? i was very Small

105: Been to a wedding? yes very long boring

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? bruh. everyday

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? probably?

108: Been outside my home country? ONCE

109: Gotten my heart broken? TWICE !

110: Been to a professional sports game? yesss canadians game!!

111: Broken a bone? no

112: Cut myself? not technically 

113: Been to prom? SOON SOON SOON SOSOSNSBFSHDD

114: Been in airplane? once

115: Fly by helicopter? i am not rich bitch

116: What concerts have I been to? noneeee- WAIT NO MARIE MAI

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? not sex but for the purpose of pretending i have a penis yes plenty

118: Learned another language? yeah!! i learned english, i almost learned spanish and i’m trynna learn korean now

119: Wore make up? i try!! but i’m not super good

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? not 18 yet but it’s goin that way

121: Had oral sex? as if 

122: Dyed my hair? i wishhh

123: Voted in a presidential election? I WISH THE ELECTIONS R ONE MONTH B4 MY BIRTHDAY 

124: Rode in an ambulance? nope

125: Had a surgery? yes at a week old 

126: Met someone famous? i think yes but i was super small

127: Stalked someone on a social network? define stalked?

128: Peed outside? yes

129: Been fishing? YES

130: Helped with charity? i think? we do volunteering so 

131: Been rejected by a crush? not directly

132: Broken a mirror? no 

133: What do I want for birthday? boyf......boy..boyff

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? oh man uhh maybe 2-3, i dont know their names yet honestly

135: Was I named after anyone? MY DAD NAMED ME AFTER A FUCKIN CLIENT HE MET. as for my actual name now I named myself after my fav video game character. lit

136: Do I like my handwriting? yeah!!

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? bitch hot wheels

138: Favourite Tv Show? hells kitchen,,,,judge judy,,,anythin like that

139: Where do I want to live when older? honestly i wish i could just live in japan or tokyo, or new york? but i will most likely end up in montreal 

140: Play any musical instrument? i used to play the clarinet last year!!

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? the one on my knee, i scratched my desk with my knee 

142: Favourite pizza toping? my dad makes AMAZING sea food pizzas,,,

143: Am I afraid of the dark? a lot

144: Am I afraid of heights? A LOT

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? idk prolly? im a bit of a goody two shoes or however u spell it

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end: dont we all

147: What I’m really bad at: organizing my anxiety n shit i get overwhelmed

148: What my greatest achievments are: finishing high school 

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: honestly has to be that time someone dug up my vent post about being dysphoric to try to say i hated myself with some dumbass DySphorIa Is SelF HaTRed argument

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay my parents’ debt off, buy 284223$ of BT21 merch, pay my whole college/uni and transition

151: What do I like about myself: idk i like how i literally do not give a fuck anymore and ive learned to love myself instead of trynna care

152: My closest Tumblr friend: @peptobismol-official​ @ace-landofthesun​ @dorkalisious​ and ana but idk her @ anymore :((( ana pls

153: Something I fantasise about: we dont talk about that

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?: lit. please stop crawling in my ceiling !

ok now that u know my whole biography. go doxx me ig. bye bye

[adulttalk]

Ok so basically to give some background I’ve been best friends w this girl for 12 years (since first grade) and I feel like she low-key hates me/doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I asked her if that was the case and she was like nah but the vibe is so wrong and things have changed between use and I can’t just brush it under the rug anymore. I feel kinda neglected in our friendship for the past 2ish years. I feel like I’m putting in so much effort to make things work and she’s putting in (1)

none and is just hanging around because its convenient for her. Her parents are really controlling so its not as easy for us to hang out. I try to make things work and get past this obstacle, but I end up feeling I’m the only one jumping through hoops instead of both of us making in effort to stay friends. She also takes like hours to answer texts regularly so its impossible to keep a convo going and since that’s our main source of communication its really frustrating. I understand that not everyone is on their phone 24/7 and ppl get busy but its obvious she’s not busy and even then she takes like an hour to reply. It just feels like she’s ignoring me and doesn’t want to be around me/in my company. Ive brought this up a few times the past couple of years and she always apologizes and measures me the she does care about me and is just bad with communication bc she’s emotionally closed off bc of her family stuff or along those lines. Tbh its kinda seems like a bs excuse but in the past I’ve always sympathized and accepted her apology bc im just relieved it’s not what I thought it was. The months following she replies to text a bit faster and seems to put in a bit more effort but it all seems forced and dies down after like two months and things go back to the way they were. I’ve just made excuses to myself bc of her situation which leads me to being treated like shit. I don’t know what to do bc I’ve told her this like multiple times and it just feel like im policing her at this point. I feel really paranoid and I don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like a clingy psycho bitch lmao. Ik I should talk to her but it just feels like we’re going in circles and idk what to do. I also feel like im being bossy/controlling by asking her to act a certain way ugh idk what to do pls help 

Hey, I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this. I feel like you’re pretty spot on with what you’re thinking, that she doesn’t really wanna put in the effort or hang out or anything. If I had a “friend” doing this to me, we wouldn’t be friends anymore. The friendship would be over real quick. I think it’s time to end it. I know it can be hard because they have been your friend for so long but you can find even better friendships that could last twice as long. All the energy you put into this one-sided friendship you could be putting into a friendship that reciprocates.

All the love xx

[imhardlycoping]

1-100

WHY

1. What is you middle name?

Marie2. How old are you?

223. When is your birthday?

dec 284. What is your zodiac sign?

capricorn5. What is your favorite color?

purple6. What’s your lucky number?

i do not have one7. Do you have any pets?

ive got 3 dogs and  cat8. Where are you from?

Arizona9. How tall are you?

5′2″10. What shoe size are you? 

8 1/211. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

like 5?12. What was your last dream about?

Dont remember13. What talents do you have?

Dropping everything im holding and sleeping for 12 hours14. Are you psychic in any way?

Nope15. Favorite song?

Beach House by The Chainsmokers16. Favorite movie?

Dont have one17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Probably this guy ive been talking to18. Do you want children?

I want 319. Do you want a church wedding?

I want an outdoor wedding20. Are you religious?

Im agnostic 21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

a few times22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Nope, im a good kid23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

nope24. Baths or showers?

both25. What color socks are you wearing?

black26. Have you ever been famous?

nah27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

i just want money without the work28. What type of music do you like?

anything besides rap, country, and gospel 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

only in my bathtub30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

731. What position do you usually sleep in?

on my side curled up32. How big is your house?

its a two bed two bath, cramped 33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

coffee34. Have you ever fired a gun?

lots of times35. Have you ever tried archery?

yeah, that shits hard36. Favorite clean word?

drat37. Favorite swear word?

fuck38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

38 hours39. Do you have any scars?

so many40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

not that i know of41. Are you a good liar?

yes42. Are you a good judge of character?

yes43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

uh no44. Do you have a strong accent?

are arizona accents strong?45. What is your favorite accent?

irish46. What is your personality type?

non existent 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

i just bought a 45$ dress48. Can you curl your tongue?

nope49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie50. Left or right handed?

im lefty51. Are you scared of spiders?

love spiders52. Favorite food?

chocolate53. Favorite foreign food?

dont have one54. Are you a clean or messy person?

mix of both55. Most used phrased?

what the fuck56. Most used word?

fuck57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

10 minutes at most58. Do you have much of an ego?

nope59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

bite60. Do you talk to yourself?

someitmes61. Do you sing to yourself?

yes62. Are you a good singer?

i suck ass63. Biggest Fear?

being alone forver64. Are you a gossip?

sometimes65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

dont remember66. Do you like long or short hair?

both67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

yes68. Favorite school subject?

science 69. Extrovert or Introvert?

intro70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no but i want to try it71. What makes you nervous?

everything72. Are you scared of the dark?

only whats in it73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

sometimes74. Are you ticklish?

extreamly75. Have you ever started a rumor?

no76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

im a manager 77. Have you ever drank underage?

no78. Have you ever done drugs?

only weed79. Who was your first real crush?

by first boyfriend80. How many piercings do you have?

881. Can you roll your Rs?“

yes82. How fast can you type?

52 word per minutes83. How fast can you run?

i dont run84. What color is your hair?

red85. What color is your eyes?

blue86. What are you allergic to?

lots of things87. Do you keep a journal?

nope88. What do your parents do?

i dont have parents89. Do you like your age?

i guess90. What makes you angry?

customers91. Do you like your own name?

kind of92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

i have but i forgot what they are93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

i want both94. What are you strengths?

being able to go all day without food, i have a lot of patients 95. What are your weaknesses?

anger,depression,anxiety, wanting everyone to like me, hating myself96. How did you get your name?

my mom just liked the name97. Were your ancestors royalty?

yes on my great grandparents side98. Do you have any scars?

why is this on here twice?99. Color of your bedspread?

white100. Color of your room?

blue

[kyungsoopilates]

THIS TOOK WAY TOK LONG I’ve been working on this for like 3 days i keep GETTING SIDETRACKED

85 Questions

Rulserinos: Answer these 85 statements about yourself and tag 20 people. (das a lot)

I was tagged by @vroomvroombaek 😭 i lOve you too wow hI 👋🏾

Last...

1. Drink: Kiwi strawberry Sparkling Ice (gud shit right here im telling you)

2. Phone call: my momma

3. Text message: a friend

4. Song u listened to: Cherry Bomb 🍒 💣

5. Time you cried: uhhh like two weeks ago

6. Dated someone twice: I m pure ive never dated anyone

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: ^ see the last one

8. Been cheated on: ^ 🤷🏾‍♀️

9. Lost someone special: 🤔 don’t remember

10. Been depressed: not to be depressing but depression is a constant thing 🏃🏾‍♀️ can’t get away from bitch shes clingy af

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: ooooooh boi I love a good margarita, never got piss faced enough to throw up tho sorry

Fav Colours..

12. LavENDER

13. ROYAL BLUE

14. whiTe and just pastel soft colours

In the last year have you?...

15. Made new friends: yah

16. Fallen out if love: nope

17. Laughed until i cried: i laugh until I can’t breathe never cried 😂

18. Found out somebody was talking about you: nobody but my momma

19. Met someone who changed you: not in the last year more like last 3

20. Found out who your real friends are: ^

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list: did i mention im p u r e

General...

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl: like 75%

23. Do you have any pets?: no :(

24. Do you want to change your name?: kinda... nObody calls me by my real name except my parents occasionally

25. What did you do for your last birthday?: i think i got drunk i forgot

26. What time did you wake up today?: 11am

27. What were you doing at midnivht last night? Sleeping 😂 scandalous

28. What is something you can’t wait for?: my next pay check 🤭

29. What are you listening to rn: my shower 🚿

30. When was the last time you saw your mom: half an hour ago

31. Ever talked to a person named tom: yep yep i have a friend named Tom

32. Name something that gets on your nerves: people who fail to realise how much their words and actions can affect other peoples spirits 🌞

33. Most visited website: tumblr 🤷🏾‍♀️

34. Hair colour: dark brown

35. Long or short hair: my hair is short but i like it long

36. Do you have a crush on someone: nope

37. What do you like about yourself: myyyy mental strength?

38. Want any piercings: i want my nostril redone, Kinda want a medusa as well

39. Blood type: A+

40. Nicknames: from my family its Bird 🦅 and my friends call me Stan/Stanny

41. Relationship status: single

42. Zodiac: Aries sun, Pisces Moon and mercurY

43. Pronouns: she/her

44. Fav tv shows: Stranger things, any kind of space documentary or those horror ghost story shows

45. Tattoos: i have a cross on my wrist, im not super religious just cause. Hoping to get a sternum tat eventually

46. Right or left handed: righty

47. Surgeries: had one last year in October, had my gallbladder removed

48. Piercings? My ears and my septum :)

49. Sport: gross, tennis is cool tho

50. Vacation: 😤😔 I don’t GET VACATION I HARDLY LEAVE MY H O U S E

51. Trainers 👟: Puma or Nike mostly ooor Adidas I really want some Fila Disruptors 😭

52. Eating: none

53. Drinking: watahhh

54. Im about to watch: myself be locked out my house for an hour (I DONT HAVE MY KEY IM AVTUALLY IN MY C A R)

55. Waiting for: CHRISTMAS 🎄

56. Want: to move outta my family apartment

57. Get married: yus

58. Career: something related to art or graphic design

59. Hugs or kisses: h u g s

60. Lips or eyes: lips and TEETH im awful at eye contact so beware of your teeth and breath 😂😭

61. Shorter or taller: i guess taller but not TOO tall

62. Older or younger: 😈...jk definitely older i cant deal with the youngins now a days

63. Nice arms or stomach: if you can’t snap my neck with your bare hands I don’t want chu🤷🏾‍♀️

64. Hookup or relationship: relationship

65. Trouble marker or hesitant: hesitant for the rest of my life 😔

Have you ever...

66. Kissed a stranger: uhh

67. Drank hard liquor: yep

68. Lost glasses: lots

69. Turned someone down: no

70. Sex on the first date: im p u r e

71. Broken someones heart: probably my parents tbh

72. Had your heartbroken: mmm kinda

73. Been arrested: not yet

74. Cried when someone died: yep 👍🏾

75. Fallen for a friend: 🙃

Do you believe in..

76. Yourself: 😃 to an extent yes

77. Miracles: yayaya

78. Love at first sight: nah

79. Santa 🎅🏾: the concept is nice but no

80. Kiss on the first date: cheEk kiss 😙

81. Angles: sure

Other...

82. Best friends name: Lamiae (Don’t ask me how you pronounce that because its been 3 years and a still canNot)

83. Eye colour: brown

84. Favourite movie: not a huge movie person but i gotta say 형 one of the only movies ive sat and watched more than once

85. Favourite actor: 제 아이가 도경수 😭 my baby b o i

And i ill taggggg

@cherrysooda @monicaexol @kyungsoobery @kyungsoorose @spicydyo I Licherally blanked as soon as it was tome to tagged so everybody else yall do it too.

[latina4rmbx]

To My Sweet, Sweet Boy

Today is my son’s 9th Birthday (AAAHHHHHHHH).  Of course, as any mother would, I’m feeling a big nostalgic.  He is my Baby and time is flying so fast.  Soon, he’s going to be a teenager and my heart can’t stand it.  This one is dedicated to him.

Hi Poppa.  Happy Birthday!  Baby, did I ever tell you that I dreamt you into life?  No?  I did.  My friends could tell you, I’d say, by the time I’m 30, I WILL have another baby.  I don���t know where the baby fever came from.  I don’t know how I knew I was going to have YOU specifically, but my heart told me.  YOU will be it.

Now mind you, I wanted a girl when I pregnant with you, but I never dreamt that I had a girl.  It was always your face.  Always your smell I remembered.  I don’t know how that happened, but I literally dreamed you into life.  I’ll just say it’s “Mommy Power.”

Mommy Power is a special power Mommies have.  We make boo boos feel better with just a kiss.  We make tears stop falling with a hug.  It’s the “special” ingredient we put in our food.  It’s all the same thing...LOVE.

My Mommy Power had me dreaming about you before I even knew your dad.  When I held you in my arms, it felt like I knew you already.  Not because you were inside my belly all that time, but because I had been dreaming of your face for years.

I didn’t even know you were going to be a reality.  My health hadn’t been great, but it definitely wasn’t bad.  But I would say it, I AM going to have another baby.  When I found out I was pregnant, women usually find out first (LOL) I was alone.  I was so happy to make this dream a reality.  To make YOU a reality, I cried.  

Fast forward to the day before you were born.  This would be yesterday, 9 years ago.  I had a routine Drs appointment, however I was high risk, due to the health issues I alluded to above.  I was going to have another ultrasound to see how things were flowing.  I was excited because I was going to see you.  The possibility of my labor being induced had been mentioned, but I didn't want to dwell on it because the thought of it scared me.

This brings me back to when I found out if you were a boy or a girl.  I can see your little stuff on the ultrasound clear as day.  It was funny because I look and I go, oh...OHHH.  I saw your little penis and your dad and I laughed.  He didn’t see it at first.  It’s fine, not everyone sees it at first.

So, I had my last ultrasound and I got to see you again.  Oh, you were beautiful to me.  Then the Ultrasound Tech said:  There’s not enough fluid surrounding your baby, they may have to induce.  You may have to confirm with your dad this part, but I believe I started crying.  I was so scared of being induced.  They didn’t let me go home, they kept me at the hospital.

So I check in, pay my co-payment and wait to be put into a room.  Luckily I was in a room by myself, meaning there were no other mothers in labor with me.  Your dad and your sister Awilda where there with me. They were my support.

A doctor comes in and explains what he is going to do with me.  First, they stick a little pill up my vagina called Pitocin.  This pill is supposed to soften my cervix (lol, google it) to start the laboring process.  Mind you, I’m sitting on a bed, strapped in like a mental patient listening to your heart beat and feeling you try to wiggle, but no labor, no labor pains.

After about a few hours the doctors check my cervix and nada is happening.  Then he says, I guess we’re going to have to give you the medication via IV.  WHAT!!!!!  The doctor says, don’t worry, we’ll start off slow and EASE you into labor.

Baby Boy, I know you will NEVER go into labor, but if you’re with someone that is having your baby and doctors say they’re going to EASE her into labor, be prepared.  This is when the action happens.

So, they give me the IV Pitocin and we wait.  Awilda and Adam are leaving and coming back because they’re hungry or tired and I’m just...waiting.  NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!!  

The doctor comes back in and is like, well we have to increase the medication.  WHAAATTTT!!!!!!  At this point, I don’t even want to have you.  I figured you were going to live inside my belly forever and I would be ok with that.  But noooooo, the doctor had to increase the pitocin.

Now, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  I can’t go into detail about hour 1 this happened and hour 2 this happened.  I do know that labor began and I felt every single part of it up until I finally got the epidural (OH. MY. GOD.)

So I had been in active labor for about mmmmmmmm, 12-ish hours but I was sticking it out.  It wasn't so bad and I was eventually going to MEET my little baby.  The nurse offered me an epidural and I refused.  WHAT A MISTAKE.

CAVEAT: GET THE EPIDURAL!  I mean, it’s your choice but you wouldn’t suffer with Wisdom Teeth pain or a migraine for over 24 hours, so why go through labor pains when you don’t have to, is all I’m saying.

The labor pains became so intense that I wished I had taken the nurse up on her offer when she initially asked.  It was too late now.  I made a bargain with myself.  If she asks again, I will say yes.  Now mind you, I am scared because I was being induced, happy because I was going to finally meet my baby, in pain due to this induced labor and pissed off because I was hungry, in pain and my two “supports” were asleep.

About 19-20 hours into ACTIVE labor (active labor is me IN PAIN) the nurse finally comes in and is like would you like an epidural.  Lets just say I could’ve kissed her lips.  The doctor had to stick me twice but after I was stuck I was GOOOOOOOOOD.  I barely felt anything and my baby was ok, so far.

Fast forward to RIGHT before I gave birth, this 25+ hours of labor.  A PA came in, read my scans and told me I was ready and asked me to push.  When I pushed, your heart beat slowed down.  She told me to stop pushing.  She looked at the scans again and said, ok, I’m going to ask you to push again.  I pushed and the same thing happened.  Then shit got real.

She tells me, it seems the baby’s umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck and every time you push, it’s decreasing his heart beat.  I got so scared, I thought I was going to have a C-Section (when the baby is cut out of you) She then looks me in the eyes and says:  I’m going to tell you to push and you’re going to push with all of your might.  We’re going to get the baby out.

She goes between my legs and says:  Ready mommy?  PUSH!

I know you don’t know what labor is yet, but the first part of the baby that comes out is the head.  So your head is sticking out of my vagina and the PA says to your dad:  Dad, I can’t ask you to cut the umbilical cord because your baby is in distress, I am going to do it, but come here and watch. (or something to that effect, because I AM TERRIFIED, plus I have a human head sticking out of my nether region, I’m not really paying attention to the specifics).

She cuts the umbilical cord and then she says:  Mommy, get ready to push again.  The shoulders are the hardest part of pushing a baby out of your body.  They’re broader than the rest of the body so more effort has to be put.  Mind you, these things are happening simultaneously so it’s quick.  I’m probably typing longer than it actually took for you to come out.

I push again, but I am TERRIFIED and tired and hungry and worried.  Maybe a second push and your shoulders come out and the rest of you come sliding out of my body.  I have an oxygen mask on, I look like a total mess and they are rubbing you fiercely.  At the time, I didn’t think of it, but they were bringing you back to life.  You were born blue.  Your umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck and as I pushed, I was choking the life out of you.

It didn’t take long for you to start crying and then for me to start crying.  I will honestly say, I didn’t realize it then, but have realized it every day after, that you almost didn’t live.  I almost didn’t get to have the baby I had been dreaming about for years.  Even today, especially today, I realize how blessed I am to have you and believe you have been put here for some truly amazing reason.

One more little story and I will end this post.  After I gave birth, I was in my room and some guests wanted to see you.  You were in the nursery with all of the other babies.  I say, let me go get him, or tell them to bring him.  I start walking toward the nursery and I hear a baby crying.  Now, I will say this is one of the Mommy Power things I was talking about, I knew it was you crying.  The sound of you crying made me cry.  I kept walking toward the nursery and I stop at the entrance and I say:  Baby Velasquez?  There were like 5 people in lab coats surrounding this crying baby and the nurse says:  This is him.  I already knew that because like I said “Mommy Power.”  We will bring him to you.  We are almost done checking him.

No one said anything to me in the room.  I’m guessing I looked horrible when I walked back.  I was just crying.  I also don’t remember correctly.  I remember saying:  They’re checking him, they’ll bring him to us when they’re done.  

Then they did:

XOXO

Thanks for reading.

[tumblunni]

Ohhh fuckin geez at least let me has a pikachu

Today's update: still feeling all fucked up from Everything Happening At Once, also getting a migraine from all the stress the other day and how i basically didnt sleep for two days and then passed out today and lost the entire 24 hours. Like man i cant even say the family shit was yesterday?? It just feels that way cos i spent all of today either sleeping, crying or crying on the phone to the bank and the stupid online game store that took my money for pokemon preorder yet didnt send me the actual game. GAHHHH and ive forgotten to Eat Food for like the whole three days all this shit has been going down, aside from a handful of Starburst candy my sis gave me during our Big Awkward Moment. And the energy drink i chugged on the way there to meet her because Fuck I Need Awakeness To Comprehend This Shit. I think my stomach is exploding in on itself.

Anyway! ANYWAY!! Gahhh! Anyway!

Thank you mega fuckin big much to the friends who leant me money AGAIN, both to catch the midnight bus to meet a long lost sibling and also to fix this stupid game preorder bollocks. God what the fuck is up with my life? I feel so guilty asking for money and man you guys have leant me like 300 in the last 3 months! Fuck i hope this stupid cavalcade of finance problems stops soon and i can start paying you all back because JESUS CHRIST. I feel like my skin is melting off my bones whenever i think about how much i dont deserve such great friends! 'welp yeah theyre wonderful people, guess i lost an arm' You ever wanna cringe yourself into a little ball from embarassment? Yeah like that but so much that i disintegrate into atoms.

SO I HOPE! FOR FUCKIN GODS SAKE! That this stolen money zero game bullshit gets resolved soon. But there's no chance of it taking less than a week, so thank you SO MUCH for helping me place another preorder at a different more reliable shop! This is what i get for fuckin going bargain hunting aaa. I ordered pikachu version just in case the original order does somehow turn up, cos it was eevee version. But i got none of the preorder bonuses anymore and no pokeball controller on this. I guess maybe itll make my second playthru more fun if i can finally use the damn controller, haha! And this second copy is probably gonna arrive quite late now cos i missed the preorder window. But it should be either on saturday or monday which is way better than waiting a month or something chasing up this bullshit! And hopefully also in a week or two i will get the money back from selling alll those preowned games, and it can go towards A: GROCERIES and B: repaying bebst friends of reckless money giving. You guys are fuckin nuts, seriously!! And man god i hate that im still suffering this knock-on effect tight finances bullshit from the stupid mental hospital thing 3 months ago. I mean i failed to even last a month there and its cost me almost a thousand pounds in terms of stocking up the stuff to be able to move house temporarily, all the mobile data i had to use while being without internet while i was there, all the miscellaneous expenses along the way, and then all the bill debt and having to restock tolietries and groceries and everyries when i got back home. Sighhh! And i feel guilty that i bought a stupid warhammer starter kit around halloween and i still havent even opened it because The Guilt. Like man i should have somehow predicted there would be more money trouble and saved that money rather than make a selfish purchase. But like it was the cheapest beginners kit anyway and i even haggled a discount for getting the figures without the paint. And now im being selfish and getting this pokemon game!! Twice!! Because stupid fuckin online banking nonsense!! Godddd give me back my money so i can give it to my friendsssss

So yeah in summary Bunni Feel Bad and also Overwhelmed and also Bad. But hopefully stuff is sorted now. Gah!

Also probably will be some delay on doing a lets play of this new pokemon cos i dunno when its gonna arrive and also i feel Big Sick now and need to chug a paracetamol and eat a loaf of bread before i die. Hope i dont spend all weekend just passed out on the sofa from Too Much Braining In One Day. Srsly why did this all happen all at once...

Also i probably wont go with the idea of twin protagonists headcanon for this LP, cos the whole Untimely Lost Sibling Madness kinda made that a sore spot to think about. One good side of getting the version i didnt want is that i can pick the female protagonist if i get pikachu version, and go with the personality i was gonna use for the female sibling. Cos actually it seems that your rival dude's perosnality is kinda simular to what i was gonna do for the male sibling? Could just have that sort of relationshup as a best buddies thing. And playing as a sassy roughhousing jock girl protag is gonna be more fun than playing The Nice And Shy Dude which is basically what i always do in every game cos its just me??? Would get more fun character lets player contrast with protagonist Darcy.

Also fuck i am gonna have SO MUCH to talk about in this first episode! Watchers who dont follow me on tumblr are gonna be so confused. "Hey youtube i just got out of mental hospital and found my long lost sister who thought i was dead, anyway never mind that lets talk about pokemon! I was gonna say i dont have any baby pictures of me when the original Pokemon Yellow came out, but here's the one i found on a facebook obituary for myself yesterday..."

What the fuck is my life, seriously?

Also if my starter ends up being a male pikachu im gonna name it Chuppy after my original one in pokemon yellow. And if its a girl i'll call it Ghostwriter after my mimikyu and pretend that its a mimikyu that just has an extra high quality disguise. Seriously, picturing all of these cute antics and tiny costumes on mimikyu makes it all even sweeter to me! I love ghosties!!

LOL I JUST REALIZED MAYBE IM A GHOST TRAINER COS I WAS "DEAD" ALL THESE YEARS AND DIDNT KNOW IT

Seriously man if there are any parents out there reading this, dont fuckin lie to your 4 year old that her sibling is dead just because the dad divorced you. There are no words for how fucked up this is. Except 'oh i guess thats why my favourite digimon frontier character is duskmon'. I fuckin thought that plot was unrealistic when i first watched it! XD actually i think duskmon is straight up my favourite digimon design and the one i'd probably pick as my partner, even though i prefer Impmon's plot from the third season. I kinda wanna go make a fanmade full evolution line for Duskmon now?? Man why am i getting so wildly off topic!

I really need to eat a food and sleep a sleep

[lifeafterten]

RtN 02: Sept 02 -Sept 12; Get Me the FUCK Outta Here

I’ve been here for days. Who the fuck stays in the hospital for days?... Fucked up people. And I’m in Fucked-Upville-- Population (points to self) this mother fucker. 

Okay. Okay. I’m turning the drama down.  Honestly though... I’ve been here a fucking while. I have an I.V. tube in each arm, one for fluids, because I’m perpetually dehydrated, the other is for the antibiotics that don’t seem to be working, because I still feel like death. I have to often lay in awkward positions so I don’t tangle myself and make the machines go off. So. Much. Beeping. And I swear to Christ, if they come at you with a little blue bag and claim it’s potassium... RUN--Fucking run, because once they hook your ass up to that shit you’ll feel like they’re injecting fire into your veins and you can’t scream because let’s face it: you’re too damn tired, so you settle for some weird case of facial Tourettes in the form of wincing and hissing. And they turn the drip down enough for the fire to feel like a sting... and you feel that effervescent sting until it’s done. It’s “supposed” to take 30 minutes-- they say. But my pansy ass can’t take the heat so the slowed down version makes it last at least an hour and some change. I pray I’m not stubborn enough today to take the morphine.  Why won’t you take the morphine, Ashley? I’ll fucking tell you why-- I have control issues.  And the morphine feels too fucking good that I need the pain to remind me that I’m still alive and to gauge between dream and reality.

At this point I’m agitated (by pain and impatience). I’ve been stuck by damned needled so many times, because of all the bloodletting I’ve been doing.  These assholes have been taking my life source (no, not coffee, you freak) twice a day. Oh, I’m sorry, they’ve been taking my “blood cultures” twice a day.

Why? They don’t say. They tell me to ask my doctor. My doctor is a pussy.  Soft spoken; pussy footing fucking pussy, who can’t give me a straight answer.

I dismiss my doctor more than a person dismisses alcoholism. Day drinking is not a bad thing. Who cares if it’s barely noon and you’ve been drinking since 9. ... Not speaking from experience-- Anyway!

I dismissed my doctor a lot. I couldn’t help it. I’ve been laying up in this bitch for weeks and you can’t give me some indication of what’s going on; let alone a time frame of when I’ll be able to go home-- on top of a mother fucking reason why I’m being kept in here for so damn long? Yeah. Fuck that shit. Dismissed, mother fucker. I have no fucks to give for useless asshats. Come talk to me when you can tell me what the fuck’s up. 

I’ve been moved to three or four rooms. From the ER bed to Surgery... Then to another room in Surgery... to the Telemetry ward, because my heart rate was too high-- which honestly I’m not surprised... I’ve been on permanent pissed the hell off for quite some time now.  They take my vitals every 30 minutes.  I’ve been counting because I literally have nothing else to do, besides... I only feel that it’s fair that I monitor them while they monitor me. But mostly it’s because I’m bored and there’s nothing on TV.  By now I’ve refused visitors.  I’ve dodged death a couple times.

Homicide via Mio overdose: Backstory: I asked for Mio, because they kept saying I was dehydrated and I thought I needed electrolytes like a muh’fug, so when my friend Kris came by (note she had no idea what Mio was let alone how to use it) and had dumped an entire bottle of Mio (24 servings) into my water jug (16 - 24 oz tops). I take one sip of it and I thought I was gonna die. Chest was on fire. My machines were going crazy, because I was coughing my lungs out and poor Kris is panicked and distraught. Its hard to convey you’re okay if you’re croaking like you’ve been smoking for about 300 years and your vision is obscured by tears. Sidenote: The incident still brings her to tears to this day, she feels so bad. Personally, I think it’s adorable and funny... Now, at the time...? Owie.

Suicide via Mother doth Love too much: I love my mother. I do. I love my entire family. But they like to hover and it was stifling. They’re looking at me with worried eyes when they think I’m asleep and I get it.  It doesn’t look good, kid.  My sister? God love her, she tries to keep the worry and her tears in check because she knows I don’t know how to handle them.  My Dad? Shit, my dad knows what’s up. He knows I’m gonna handle my shit the only way I know how. On my own terms. This is why I’m a daddy’s girl. My brother and sister in law on the other hand? My bother spilled water down the front of my gown (had to change that shit. not fun) and his wife, in her efforts to break my fever, stuffed my fresh new gown with ice packs.. And when I say ice packs, I mean latex gloves filled with ice stuffed in my gown. Stuffed. In. My. Fucking. Gown. That’s it-- I’ve had it! Everyone’s banned.

And it’s also hard to put on a tough front when all I wanna do is cry, but I end up just being angry instead.

The only human interaction I had is when the nurses are taking my blood, or my vitals, or switching my IV bags, or helping me to the bathroom to do bathroom things, or giving me sponge baths because I’m too weak to get out of bed, or shooting morphine into my body to ease my torment; or shoving pills down my fucking throat because nothing is fucking working. I’m still getting fevers out of nowhere.  People are coming in and out every morning to lift my gown up (they do it so much they don’t even ask anymore. A brief thought of charging them crosses my mind, and I allow a small giggle. Because it’s silly, because I’m glad I still had somewhat of a sense of humor.) Still, I think my cooter deserves some ounce of respect. Women’s lib and all that crap. I’ve turned this part of the day into a game (I’m SO fucking bored). I like to spot the face tightening moment when they assess whatever the fuck is going on with my leg (I don’t know. I haven’t seen... I don’t want to see yet). 

It’s fun for me, because they’re medical professionals-- they’re supposed to be used to this kind of thing. But the face tightening? To me that’s a victory. That just means they have to school their expressions to indifference so as to not alarm me. Ah, bed side manner.  They’re so sweet. But I know just by their non-expressions that it looks fucked up. I have to look at the small details; read between the lines of what they’re not telling me.  I’d be in the dark otherwise. What are they not telling me? I know they’re testing for something... But I don’t know what they’re testing for. I stamp down fear, because I don’t have enough data to panic.

My dreams are getting scarier, because of the morphine. No more morphine, I promise myself. Vicodin only.  Yeah, that seems safer. The nurses, I’ve learned, just need someone to listen to them. Since I can’t get a decent night’s sleep because they’re fucking coming in every 15 to 30 minutes all day, every day, all the fucking time... Why the fuck not? I got nowhere else to be. I seem to have opened Pandora’s Box, because it’s 3am and I’m giving life advice to Agnes who has a very rebellious son, whom I point out is 16 years old and he’s going through a phase, it doesn’t mean she’s a bad mother.  Which I reminds me that I need to tell Doris who’s part of the Day crew that Agnes is off on Wednesdays too and that they should hangout together, because I think they would get along. I make a mental note to pass Agnes’ number to Doris later. I really should start charging... This pro bono shit aint working out. 

During my hospital stay I’ve managed the following:

Make only 4 nurse assistants cry

Befriend most if not all the Filipino nurses (they gave me all the apple sauce I wanted)

Make that one stern Indian Night Nurse smile (she gave me yogurt and bananas every time she was on shift)

Counsel only 5 to 6 nurses, mostly 5.. the 6th one kinda got weird. Didn’t take whatever she gave me.

Snob my doctor almost every day. 

Made my main nurse laugh because she thinks I’m a riot. 

Days later it was time for me to go home. I knew this for damned sure.  I saw so many specialists from an infectious disease doctor to a surgeon. I was so fucking bloated from all the fluids they were trying to fill me with that they could barely find veins to stab to get their precious blood cultures from. 

I also decided that with my body like this the Mitchelin tire man was my cousin.

Sidenote: To hell with the Infectious Disease doctor. That heifer made me lay on my side for two fucking days straight. Fat load that shit did for me. With all the extra fluids in my body, it just shifted to one side. All it gave me was a backache and lopsided boobs... and some fucking fluid in my lungs. Fucking devil woman. I got a fucked up leg, I’m the size of a float during the Macy’s Day Parade, and now I got lopsided tits. It’s funny... now. At the time? Not so much. It was September 12.  I had broken out in a rash due to an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics. (Let’s just add that to the list of whatever the fuck else is wrong with my body, shall we?) My “doctor” (doesn’t deserve the title nor respect. Sorry not sorry) was trying to get me to stay a few more days. I’ve had quite enough. I told him to get the discharge papers ready. I’m leaving. My fevers were gone. My leg wasn’t draining so badly anymore (ew, gross. sorry) I felt fine. Despite me constantly checking my hands so they don’t try to scrape my skin off. Fucking hell I was so itchy. I didn’t need to be in here. That’s when the good doctor decided to divulge that I hurt his feelings and that I was his least favorite patient. (Boo freakity hoo.) But I was a good girl and let him talk, said all the appropriate things. ... He’s still a pussy.  He was glad to be rid of me and the feeling was more than fucking mutual. I did not tell him to get fucked. I did not tell him to suck my dick. I did not flick him off. I did not throw shit at him. I was rather proud of myself. I showed great restraint.  But I did point out that just because he had the “MD” attached to his name, does not mean automatic respect. Respect is earned Dr. Pussy foot.  I signed the paperwork with relish. Jessie came to pick me up and I was whisked off to spend my mandatory (couldn’t argue my way outta that one) bed rest at the Joseph’s.  I’m so tired of laying down. TBC...