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lady-plantagenet · 4 years

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Unsolicited Book Reviews (n3): The Sunne in Splendour

Rating:

⭐️⭐️⭐️(+1/2?)

Even before I had an account, I tended to go to tumblr to see people’s opinions before buying a histfic. Certain books are either severely underrepresented, where I feel like there needs to be something on them, whereas others, though talked about enough, something more can still be said about them. So for my quarantine fun, I have decided to start a series where I review every medieval historical fiction novel I read. Hopefully, it will either start interesting discussions or at least be some help for those browsing its tag when considering purchasing it.

TL;DR: Keep in mind that I’m harsh with my ratings. I don’t expect my historical fiction to offer some sort of insight about the human condition or be some perfectly manicured prose, but this book’s biggest detriment was its lack of depth. Some scenes packed a serious emotional punch, but then again I am attached to this era and given the length, it would be insane not to. I learned a lot - no lie, but while my background knowledge on the wars of the roses has become enriched, I feel no closer to Richard.

Plot: We follow Richard III from a young boy at eight right before the catastrophe that was Ludlow to his death and a few years after. This story seems to be told through omniscient third person point of view, which creates issues when it comes to voice - a lot of the characters sound the same (John ‘Jack’ Howard, Francis Lovell, Richard Catesby to name a few). This is only a natural consequence of the sheer amount of people Penman chose to portray. I’m honestly still grateful for this as I was not a fan of Richard III’s POV, but really enjoyed Richard Neville Earl of Warwick’s, Margaret of Anjou and Cecily Neville’s. Everytime these three were the center of the chapter, it was truly enjoyable and multi-faceted which comes to show that Penman is capable of writing complexity when she wants to. I would also like to add that the author’s knowledge of medieval life (e.g. the food, the dogs, the nature of battles) was a high point of this novel and did something to counter-balance the rampant late 20th century flavour in this novel. She tries way too hard to adapt a medieval man such as Richard to our modern values to propagate her Richardian Agenda, which ultimately underscored this.

It must be said though that the author clearly did her research as most of what she said regarding minutae such as: what day of the week it was, where the characters were at one time, details of documents, who did what in which battle, what laws were passed etc... I had just come back to this time period after some years and I thought I knew all there was to know, yet, here comes this book which springboarded me into a wealth of new research - I suppose I am grateful for that. However, do not let that delude you into thinking it is comprehensive. There were historical innacuracies which I can only guess were intentionally made for the sake of the author’s Richardian goal e.g. Anne Neville being forced into her marital duties when historicalMargaret of Anjou made it clear that there would be no consummation until Warwick would prevail at Barnet, Isabel Neville being ‘abandoned’ by her husband in France when really it was only about 4 months they were apart and it would have made no sense for Isabel to sail with an invasionary force, Richard III abolishing benevolence tax because he thought it unfair as opposed to the reality which was that he had failed in his initial attempt to raise them because the population opposed, Richard III allowing the marriage between Jane Shore and Thomas Lynsom when in reality he had initially opposed it... Historical fiction is entitled to innacuracies but given that the author made it clear in her afterword that the only time she strayed was setting a scene in Windsor as opposed to Westminster, it is dishonest to conceal the aforementioned blips, especially when they are so unobvious that it would take a seasoned enthusiast to spot them. As you can tell they either do have a negative bearing on Richard’s image as a saint or show detractors in a positive light, clearly neither that which she was in a mood to explain away.

Characterisation: I can not stress enough how well Cecily Neville was portrayed, every scene she was in, I felt. She tends to be a very difficult character to get because of the whole illegitimacy rumour which casts shades of doubt. She was proud but also pious, subservient but also commanding... just an incredible woman of gravity. I enjoyed Warwick in all his flamboyancy as well and Edward IV was masterfully portrayed as the intelligent but forgiving man that he was. You could clearly see how despite his indulgent character, he knew when it was time to be serious, it was a joy to read the scenes where he strikes people into subserviancy. Anne Beauchamp was also quite a treat for the little time we had with her.

There were also some portrayals of mixed quality: George Duke of Clarence for one, his warped sense of humour and charm were well presented, his unpredictability adequately captured. The issue I have though is that no man is unpredictable to themselves and while it may make sense for other characters to see his temperaments as those like a weather vane it would make no sense for it to be this way in the chapters where he is the POV. Penman’s basically wrote him off as crazy (I mean literally mad) for the majority of the story which is utter tripe given that the whole madness angle is a modern invention. I won’t write more on this now as it deserves its own post (btw if anyone wants me to elaborate on anything I said so far send me an ask). Last thing I will say though: the last scene we have with him is utterly tragic and still sticks with me today, honestly the best writing in this novel was during the ‘Anne’ Book and ‘Protector of the North’ in the years surrounding George’s death. Speaking of, where do I begin with Isabel Neville and Elizabeth Woodville? Their marriages with Richard’s brothers are portrayed negatively for no other reason than to set up Richard and Anne Neville as a perfect love story. This story-telling technique is cheap as hell and I did not expect to find it in a novel so highly acclaimed for its ‘quality’. Let me make this clear: The marriage which was hailed as a love match at that time was that of Elizabeth Woodville and Edward IV. Anne and Richard could have been just as much a marriage of politics as George and Isabel’s, or the latter’s just as much a love match. George fought for Isabel just as much, if not more than Richard did for Anne, George stayed loyal for a surety whereas Richard’s bastard John’s conception may have coincided with his marriage according to Hicks, Marrying Anne was highly advantageous for Richard as marrying Isabel for George... I could go on. Therefore, why is Isabel constantly described as wretched, miserable and at one point abused(!) by her husband whereas Richard was nothing but gentle to the happy Anne. The Mary of Burgundy proposal story is often cited as proof that George only cared about power... but what about Richard’s proposal to Joanna of Portugal one month after Anne died? This may sound minor but it’s a perfect example of the author trying hard to make Richard a modern romantic figure which he wasn’t. I think he may have loved Anne Neville, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was a medieval king and made marriage provisions after her death to secure the succession. For a 800+ page novel about Richard III some seminal pieces of information were left out such as his seizure of the aged Dowager Countess of Oxford’s Howard fortune, the mysterious circumstances in which George Neville Duke of Bedford died young and unmarried after becoming his ward. All in all, do not let the wonderful historical detail fool you into thinking this is a complete account of Richard III’s day to day life.

Don’t even get me started on the Woodvilles... They were all treacherous villains and social climbers who belonged in hell. EVEN ANTHONY WOODVILLE - what has he ever done to Penman or anyone? All scenes with Elizabeth Woodville at the beggining were bedding scenes pretty much, which shows that the author saw her as nothing more than a heartless seductress. There was even a point where Edward in his rage said: ‘you would lie with a leper if it meant you becoming Queen’ and I was just shocked at that. I was further shocked when her daughter Elizabeth of York was musing that if her mother had been a good wife her father wouldn’t have needed to stray and I was just like... ‘I thought we were trying to be sensible in this book 0_0’ - How is it appropriate to have a woman blamed for her husband’s infidelity? How can we have such blatant classism and sexism on the one hand and late 20th century wokeness on the other? It’s what I said earlier, the author can’t prop up Richard and Anne without putting down all other couples in this book. By the end of the book I was honestly finding myself cheering for Elizabeth Woodville as she was becoming the woman with sense and cunning as we all know her, the saving grace of this entire characterisation was that Elizabeth became the only person with a brain by the end (I doubt this was the author’s intention). Down here in this category of bad characterisation I will add Richard and Anne themselves. Anne Neville though often absolutely adorable to me lacked any personality trait apart from being in love with Richard and past sexual abuse by Edward (which didn’t historically happen). Anne’s father and only sister die and she barely thinks about them, which severely undermines her portrayal as a loving and empathetic person. Her death scene and wane was tragic and affected me as a reader but holy Christ before that the author was very heavy handed throughout the book with her martyrisation of Anne, even when she was a young girl and everything was going well she cried in nearly every goddamn scene. Yes, this is Warwick’s daughter we are talking about. Richard (unlike the real great man that once lived on this earth) was similarly flawless and any small flaw he had was something like: ‘too trusting’, ‘acts then thinks’ - essentially ‘too good for this world’ flaws. No one is like this, least of all the real Richard who would not recognise this weird contrived romanticisation of a man. The saving grace of all this is that he admitted around the end to himself and Anne that he did want to be king a little bit, which YES, at least we get that because no one goes through all the procedures he did and endangers the survival of their house, unless they wanted to become king, at least a little bit. All in all, if Penman’s Richard III is the real man, all I have to say is: thank god his reign was cut short because this character would have made a terrible and weak monarch.

Prose: And here is where another of the stars was deducted. The prose is largely very pedestrian. It was full of modern phrases such as ‘hear me out’, ‘He thinks I am in the wrong’ ‘he can’t get away with this’ and other such likes. Also, I know it’s difficult to write a book where everyone’s names are Elizabeth, Edward, Richard and Anne, but apart from ‘Nan’ which was a nickname of that time, the modernity of ‘Bess’, ‘Bella’ or ‘Lisbet’ and the use of them in-text and not just dialogue, did much to draw me out of the medieval era. This is not just a criticism towards Penman but a grand majority of historical fiction novelists of this period. Having said that, her choice to cut conjunctions and use the word ‘be’ intead of ‘is’ or ‘are’ did not bother me at all and I found it effective in dating the language a bit. I appreciate that writing in poetic prose for 800+ pages is extremely difficult, but other’s have done it. And even in other novel where that’s not the case, the writing is still profound and impactful and conveys a deeper meaning, whereas here it’s more of a fictionalised history book. The author appears to have some imagination as the few scenes she made up e.g. Catherine Woodville’s visit to Richard or Edward summoning Edmund’s previous carer John to talk about Edmund as he was trying to deal with the grief of losing George, any scene with Cecily Neville in it, Anne Neville and Veronique (OC lady-in-waiting to her) when they were in hiding, Rosamund and Richard at the end, Margaret of Anjou when she was lodged at that abbey, When Stillington visited George before his death to give him a rosary and last rites and he refused to get them from him, Anne and Richard going to Middleham and Isabel’s lying in state were just some of them. However, even if you took all those well-written scenes and stuck them together they would not be more than maybe 150 pages which is not good in such a massive novel. I really don’t know how I would rank the prose, I feel weird saying it’s at the low bestseller level because at least it’s not overwritten and annoying, however, it lacked a lot of soul most of the time, which is dissapointing given what Penman had to work with. I can see that the author has some strengths, for example she’s good at writing about the weather and the natural landscape, she’s also good at describing facial expressions. But her massive flaw is dialogue and flow - especially the latter. The flow is hindered by her abject inability to weave historical events and their happenings into the prose, so she often settles for an exposition dump, especially when it comes to some male chatacter’s POV such as John Howard, Francis Lovell or Buckingham. A lot of the characters exposited at each other too, which wasted the opportunity for some serious character profiles. Basically too much telling and not enough showing. In conclusion, It didn’t always feel clunky, expository or laboured, but it way too often did for the good to be redeemed by the bad prose-wise.

In Conclusion, I cheated on this book a couple of times when it dragged, but got right back into it whenever the good sections came along. It is one of these books which people cannot stop raving about and I can’t stress how much I wanted to love it when I got it. It’s nice being a fan of something a lot of people are too for once, but it was just not to be. But at least now I can say I have read the cult classic of this histfic niche which apparently everyone has read and cried over. Even though it took me 7 months where others got through it in a week through sleepless nights. Despite all the negativity in this review, I would still reccomend it as it is a solid book and written by someone who clearly gets the conflict and time period. You will learn lots with this book (I intend to keep it as a sort of timeline) regarding things that you might otherwise find too dry to research in depth e.g. battle strategies and sieges. But what you will not learn about is the characters’ psychologies and personalities though Penman tries very hard and heavy-handedly to exposit their feelings to us.

#lady-plantagenet’s book reviews #the sunne in splendour #sharon kay penman #Richard III #if anyone disagrees or agrees i’d love to know your opinion #just send me an ask #historical fiction #Anne Neville #George of Clarence #Edward IV #Elizabeth Woodville #House of York

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theskyexists · 4 years

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ive bought harrow the ninth and am now attempting to reread act 1 so that i may understand it better

ianthe clearly proposes that Harrow not get herself killed trying to bring Gideon back - reading it over again. instead to take the future and somehow?? be really powerful together and forget about their cavaliers. but harrow says no

im once again struck with how offhand this book introduces the concept that the empire goes out to deliberately kill planets over a couple of generations

now im not sure....there also seems to be an implication that there’s no aliens - because they say only humanity has a soul - but client planets were said to rebel - i guess the human colonisers rebel against central solar system command sometimes? but then what enemy does the Cohort fight? possibly it’s just bigotry that they think aliens dont have a soul

but like - they find LIVING PLANETS and then - kill them slowly. to the extent that they need to move the entire population. WHAT? why do they do that??? just so they can do some bone tricks???!

what the fuk

so how did the planets get murdered again? and which solar system planets could really have been said to have had enough life to have a soul?? cos like, only one of them is really known for that

why did God give Harrow the choice to go back home TWICE if he was never going to let her?

once again, why mess with the Hand candidates if God was always gonna come for Cytherea? just to mess with him more?

yeah - harrow keeps hearing and saying ortus ninegad but the rest of the world remembers gideon.

Harrow truly is totally mentally shattered AND time is totally fucked up

but sometimes in the fake-ish timeline Harrow remembers but doesn’t remember Gideon - like how she notes that there were two womb-bearing members of the Ninth who were the right age...but only elaborates on herself

for some reason - Harrowhark remembers Ianthe’s arm ripped from her by Cytherea - but now it’s whole. for some reason

that letter is still so what the fuck

‘like you did the last time’ - hm harrowhark sewed Ianthe’s lips shut? how did she come by the power?

is ianthe - calling Harrowhark God?

throughout the first act, they keep referring to time, having too much time, or not mastering time, or not having enough time, ‘this time’ etc.

the eggs you gave me all died - that’s DIRECTED at Harrow, is my theory

ok but the planet revenants come after Lyctors and also God (- God became God when? at the Resurrection) before the Lyctors happened - God was still at Canaan House - despite the Revenants already coming right...

is Teacher criticising god and lyctors for leaving Canaan House lol?

ok so yeah Canaan House WAS part of a ‘last sacrifice’

ok so - Harrowhark is a little resurrection miracle. This implies that God killed a lot to resurrect the Houses.

wow God is being a very dad to Harrow

Blood of Eden - BOE - they turned their back on the solar system. now they hate necromancy. in other words - when the solar system died, God resurrected it - but before that point some humans had fled - lived. and they can see what absolute fuckin horror necromancy is ACTUALLY

so what im getting is...maybe...god resurrected humanity by killing the planets...?

i just realised that Ianthe has taken Gideon’s place as the smartass in the room - the counterweight to Harrow’s portentousness

what the fuck do augustine’s comments to Mercy mean???? why is she unloveable? why would he say that God doesn’t need her? and why is it obscene that Augstine calls God John? What is the dangerous game she’s playing? What was the foul implication??

‘Then that is your downfall’ OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Harrow BURN!!!

what i don’t get is - the Cohort is an army - when they land they die because they’re being killed by an enemy at the front - NOT in pure sacrifice for thanergy. so why does only the death of humans and planets produce thanergy. why is the death of the enemy not good enough? they don’t have fuckin souls?? they MUST be complex life. and doesn’t a planet produce a constant stream of thanergy? but i guess it’s not dying enough - generally its life maintains itself in ecosystems.....unless a fuckin lyctor ‘makes the juice flow’ i guess!

sometime in the next book there IS gonna be a ‘are we the baddies’ meme. muir loves memes and she stuck skulls on absolutely EVERYTHIGN. Like WHY THE FUCK would you colonise planets if you gotta kill them for it? LOL????

huh? augustine just said that they can’t use necromancy when in the river - but mercy mocked harrow for having hypothermia ? implying her fundamental failure was not being able to necro while in the river? Harrow’s inability was what was wrong partly right?? oh no ok it’s how Harrow tried to compensate for her body going lights out while in the river. alright. that was written confusingly

how and why is this a completely different story???

The Sleeper.......is Harrowhark? the suit is too close to what she was wearing killing the asteroid. and the sleeper is lying on ‘something’. oh they just straight up say it lololol

ortus got into trouble 19 years ago...hhmmmmm wasn’t Gideon 19??? huh? which is why Mercy started at Harrow’s peculiar YELLOW eyes that Harrow can’t see herself i think

‘i do things face to face’ ortus says after stabbing harrow. HUH? why go for a stab if decapitating would have done the job? just to give her a small chance to fight back? (face to face?)

why not tell God that ‘his’ attack dog is trying to kill you?

why does Ortus the First want me dead? ‘who?’ ---uh. has she forgotten him completely (time shit) or is she saying the wrong name? mercy wouldnt reply like that then right?

she told him and he’s like - oh well guess you gotta just get through repeated almost-successful attacks on your life. ???? THANKS GOD!!!

‘you, with your unfortunate memory for poetry’ HA! i love how we are reminded that she knew all the fuckin damn books nearly by heart which is insane!

Teacher suggests his dying at least three times a day?? hahaha what?.........................is this purely a meme reference. is that meme the mental image im supposed to have of Teacher??????????? is this trying to say that this meme was preserved in the amalgamation of human life that is Teacher?? oh my god....

no.....palamedus and camilla....did old Harrow really kill them.....

seems like all the murders were consensual maybe?

it’s probably too straightforward that Harrow created and alternate timeline and made for a Harrow Lyctor without Gideon dying and kicked her to the original? maybe she took Ianthe and Coronabeth with her bc she needed Ianthe’s help

is this Cytherea or Dulcinea? Pro seems real this time. why does Dulcie call Pal and Cam strands and cords?

did muir put in a fuckin secondary school S - muir’s just like - im gonna put in all the memes as a nod to ancient human culture

still no idea what the messages are that Harrow is getting

This Harrow is so goddamn sick. I mean she was sick before, but at least she had Gideon. Really do feel that that helped her. now she didn’t have that -- AND she’s getting slapped with trauma another five times

if ortus can undo the thanergy of her own bone then why not simply crumble HARROW into dust? cos there’s a core of thanergy fusion in her that he can’t undo?

FLKJDFKLJSDLFSD fucking IANTHE ‘Wow! Not how I imagined this happening, at all.’ FUCKIN HELL

Harrow with her fucking fucked up dramatic inner monologues about weakness and Ianthe comes in with this shit. she really is doing Gideon proud here.

Did love Harrow’s musings about how only a truly idiotically obedient Cavalier would be the only one to keep to a vow of silence. HAH! nice one muir

‘have you taken the time to rest lately?’ asks God, YOUR FUCKING SAINT IS TRYING TO KILL HER IN THE FUCKING BATH YOU IDIOT AHAHAHAHA

JEZUS FUCKING CHRIST - try and be normal Harrow! try and make some soup and read a book! Harrow: *does and then hyperventilates hidden under her bed after 86 hours of zero sleep*

she was trying to remember what cutlery did. why is this so goddamn funny hahahaa. this book has ONLY been Harrow being in extreme states of misery ALL THE TIME both mentally and physically to the point of death

GOD IS HAPPY THAT SHE MADE SOUP AND DOESNT EVEN FUCKIN NOTICE SHE’S NOT SLEPT FOR A WEEK SOMEHOW THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS SHIT

thats what you fucking GET you piece of shit god! you push a prodigy teen to the brink and she fuckin explodes your lyctor and feeds you her fuckin marrow. maybe you shouldn’t have ignored her goddamn fucking understandable distress

SHE FUCKIN HITS HIM WITH THE FUCKIN TRUTH what an IDIOT of a God. he truly doesn’t understand mortality anymore huh

I LOVE HOW MERCYMORN CONTINUES TO MAKE HARROW YOUNGER IN HER HEAD AHAHAHAHAHAHA she’s only nine years old!!!hahahaha

naturally God focuses on how - wait- actually harrow is truly an INSANE necromancer - INSANE

still no idea what the fuck is going on in the not-past

aww. ianthe’s scent soothes harrow now. begrudgingly of course.

i thought this was gonna be lovely angsty harrow/gideon but naturally that did not happen

harrow is comfortable! first time in the whole book! one moment of comfort!!!

‘love my twin, also murder’ tridentarius pffjlfjdljf

‘how i crave your honeyed words’ hah

wow this scene sure is weirdly sexual with these similes lol ‘as though she had shyly undressed for you’ ok there Harrow you about to chop her arm off calm it probably sex repulsed thirsty teen

i do love how....there is this theme again that’s everybody underestimating the main character - who is actually a prodigy. Gideon had that with the sword and Harrow also has it with being a Lyctor now

it’s so telling that these Saints would rather be shits to these babies than help Ianthe grow a new fuckin arm

i dont see why Ianthe can’t work off this bone construct which is her own stuff and put some flesh on it since SHES A FLESH NECRO?

Ianthe that’s super gay

wow muir really never delivers on full gay does she??? i dont mind but i think it’s so striking hahaa

how are Harrow and Ianthe still hung up on the Saint of Duty? i mean, if they dont have him against the RB they’re dead anyway

why is the First going through rain and ice?

Harrow haunted? naawwww

i cant help but like mercymorn though - she cares. it’s soured ages ago but she cares.

awww Harrow needs Ianthe to sleep

Ianthe constantly poking Harrow for her prudishness is so goddamn funny.

‘It’s the type of energy i wish to take into my future’ AHAHAHAHAHAAH IANTHE MY GOD

‘i always forget you were an honest to go nun ... and six years old to boot if you listen to mercymorn’ HAHAHAHAHAHA

‘you look good enough that im proud of my handiwork but not so good that i’ll be consumed with lust and ravish you over the nut bowl’ fpdfjsdfkjsd this is what harrow means with crude japery and yet....

mercymorn has started to call harrow three years old. i will NEVER tire of this gag

all of the blood of eden stuff happened in the past 25 years??? god was on the erebos, but he also remembers ortus kicking the commander out of an airlock? that was in the last 25 years??

Ianthe‘s carressing the nape of Harrow’s neck. hmmhm

its honestly super weird if you think about it for more than 10 seconds that theyre talking about their cavaliers whom they murdered (im still not sure if all consensually) ten thousand years ago (!) and how hot they were that just seems.....fucked up

Harrow is like WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! basically all the time but especially now. yep well that was to be expected i guess lololol

Harrow being painfully frozenly fascinated by (god having) sex and deeply repulsed is very Harrow

oh nooooo well that was a perfect kiss between them really

the funny thing about Harrow is that though she is so completely fucked up - just like Gideon - she is fundamentally a helper.

why wouldn’t Harrow have thought of blood wards! she knew he could only bleed thanergy! it;s the first thing i thought - just use not bone wards then!

ortus thinks anastasia is in Harrow - which makes me think - why does he think that’s possible?

mercymorn now calls Harrow a two-year-old. i am waiting for embryonic genius

so did they use the river to get to the planets theyre killing?

Harrow feels the peace and pleasure of a stroll through nature that she has come to kill

oh my god - Harrow somehow saved Cam and Pal is still attached to the mortal plane!!

Harrow helps Cam risking herself entirely just like that. yknow as she does

i wonder if Pal has realised that Harrow is not who he remembers

i think he realised once he realised haz mat suit was Harrow also...

ianthe xo’d harrow.....lol

im sad that original harrow is definitely dead.... :( loved her. guess gideon’s not coming back either. not sure how the second adept survived. she didn’t survive in the original timeline either. but she was ‘killed’ in the other - just like coronabeth..so that means soemthing

this whole ‘flashback’ stuff to Canaan House is Harrow being in the River the whole time. the cold temperatures, the blood, the creatures theyre fishing from the sea that apparently abominations

after all, we’ve just learned about river bubbles and a haz!harrow that can change their parameters.

all the people ‘dead’ she’d not spoken to much or at all beforehand. like they’re NOT real, in the River. the only one not like that is Dyas...

the fact that the narrative keeps calling Dulcie, Dulcie means she’s really Dulcie.

there’s giant organs falling from the ceiling. this is definitely the river

they talk about time AGAIN

the Body is the devil who let herself be used to complete the work of Teacher and the Lyctors in his mythology....hmm. and when they realised the price (AFTER? the work was done?) they wanted her dead but he buried her....SHE allowed them to become Lyctors?? I still don’t understand why the heck that was necessary

the king is dead, long live the king. hmmmm

Harrow comes onto a hallucination of the devil who was her first crush with the voice of her parental figures and the eyes of a love interest she can no longer remember - which is actually not precisely a hallucination probably - and gets summarily rejected lol OUCH (the Body didn’t mean it that way ofc)

Harrow is so repressed on every single front but definitely sexually

I love Mercy

so there is death beyond death. does everybody go into the river and become a mad horrid ghost? like - is that everybody’s fate? how awful

ok so God DID resurrect the planets also. ? but like. then why are there resurrection beasts?

what does resurrection mean? and who killed the planets in the first place?

BECOMING NONE HOUSE, LEFT GRIEF

oh.....my god.

ARE YOU AND IANTHE BEING SAFE!!?!?!?! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

HIS BODYGUARD IS THE DEVIL??

so the destruction of Earth somehow made God? as though it was something that simply followed from it

A.L. was destroyed in the first assault? Of an RB

so the RB’s were happily running off in the other direction until they decided to fuck around and kill their mates to become immortal and powerful - then the RB’s turned around and came towards them - which meant leaving the planets God had resurrected forever.

what the fuck god??? hahahahaa

God always seems so likeable goddamn.

Harrow is such a dramatic bitch. Affection??? JUST KILL ME!!! KILL ME!! LET ME SMASH THE GLASS SO I CAN KNEEL IN IT AND BLEED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!!

Harrow goes into her fun kid's game of not dying to traps.

But she instantly calls him father. OH MY GOD

HE DOESNT BELIEVE HER!!!

'then that will be your downfall' - is what Harrow said to Augustine AND IT WILL BECOME TRUE FOR THEM ALL

to be dismissed like that where it hurts most - to have God Dad dismiss her only slip of comfort her only pillar of truth in this crazy old world

'nobody had watched you leave'

SOMEBODY HAD - I love all the deliberate references to Gideon

Temporal lobe!!!! Again the temporal lobe!!!

So why was it again that Harrow refused to be locked in with the Emperor?

So isn't God gonna check out Harrow's temporal lobe? He's just gonna let that mystery go to its death?

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKK

Muir what the fuck??!!!!!!!!

Oh it was.....a hallucination?

Always love how this dips into genuine horror sometimes

What's weird is that Lyctors seem made for the task of going into the river and killing Resurrection Beasts - instead of the other way around.

So say - that the sword somehow holds Gideon's soul (we've just learned that that's possible from Pal and also Ortus trying to get Pent to summon his grandma by his sword) - does it not make sense that Harrow 'for some reason' stabbing Cytherea's corpse with it transferred it to her? Or maybe it's SOMEHOW Anastasia if Ortus was macking on her. But Ortus thought HARROW had/was Anastasia.

IANTHE WANTS TO MARRY HARROW - HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Every fucking chapter doesn't make things any clearer. This is worse than Gideon the ninth

Hello???? Am I reading a canon alternate universe roleswap au??? What the FUCK is going on. This is like - if they hadn't gassed the 200 and her parents instead adopted Gideon for her clear necromantic gifts which nobody noticed somehow the other time round

I do love how Aiglamene was the sole source of slight comfort in Gideon's life. And Crux was Harrow's - apparently in any sequence of events.

Harrow is tumbling through timelines. But how can you do that just by messing with the lobe?

WHAT!! WHAT!!!

Is this...is this what I think it is??? Is thi

The fanfic roots are STRONG in this one. In fact I believe I've READ this fanfiction

Harrow's temporal fever dream (in the river?) HAD HER (Decidedly Not) VYING FOR 'HER DIVINE HIGHNESS' hand, which is either the Body or Gideon or both lololol. Seeing as the previous had Gideon as the main unnamed titled character - I bet it's Gideon ahahaaga

A fucking. COFFEESHOP AU. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD

We've had roleswap, 'ball' au, and coffee shop au populated by the ghosts of the dead LOLOL,

I knew it!! I knew that they were ghosts and that they were in the river!!

Ok so but when did Harrow shoddily create the bubble? When she adjusted her memories at the start? When is this. Ah Harrow has the same thought hahaa

So the stage is a - she was building her memories while sleeping?

Why is that she cannot access her lyctorhood like this...

I just realised that Harrow's mind made the party food taste like SALT based on Ianthe's cooking!!!! Hahahaha

THE NARRATOR IS GIDEON. But it doesn't sound like Gideon though

There's more to the work than simply preserving Gideon's soul though. There are next steps that Harrow prepared for that Harrow doesn't know about yet

Who was the sleeper and why was it in Harrows riverscape of memories that she ACCIDENTALLY??? made

Ok she sounds like Gideon NOW

Gideon no it's not because she didn't want you! It's because she wanted you to live!!!!!

And she succeeded....your soul is INTACT in her body!!!! You're protecting her with full consciousness!! How the fuck. And why didn't that happen before when she went to the bubble?

Are the ghosts of the contestants happy that they got pulled out of the River briefly? Or were they so briefly in there they couldn't remember?

She returned them to the RIVER???? is that really such a kind fate????

Something has gone wrong in the River - yeah because why r all these ghosts going insane and stoppering it up like slib

Do love how Muir has found a way to give these characters more screentime

I actually said 'oof' when Harrow screamed at Ortus - oof that really is embarrassing. GodDAMN Ortus you stepping up with the emotional support!

I've EVEN read the damn fanfic in which they switched bodies. My god.

A. L. apparently is thought to wander about still. I think she's the body....I do believe she's the body. That's why the Lyctors are scared of her

She thought - what. Mercy is talking about blood of Eden's commander. What is going onnnnn still!!!! Mercy is the traitor I guess. But how is blood of Eden connected to the ninth house and the body?

Why is Mercy awake on the mithraeum and not in the River anyways?

Gideon.... And the commander were in cahoots? So did A. L. and Anastasia an the body and the commander all have the same eyes?????

What the fuck is going on indeed.

Cytherea seems to have had a plan B for getting revenge on the Emperor. Or something had a plan B with her corpse as the main weapon.

If guns are so effective against people why aren't they still used.

The messages are from the commander. I.e. Gideon's mother. I.e. Anastasia? We never explicitly did learn how she met her end no? Gideon was convinced that Anastasia had taken the baby. It just seems incongruous how the Emperor spent like 80 years on the Erebos and the Lyctors were faffing about - meanwhile there was this drama going on in the last half century?

I love Abigail Pent. Love that I got to see more of her.

I'd honestly forgot that Judith was alive by the end of all of that shit

The sleeper is -the sleeper is Gideon's mother. Also. She's haunted by her mother. SOMEHOW. what the fuck? They couldn't drag her spirit back from the river they said!

'you wizards never learn' there's a whole modern regular sci fi world and culture out there! Or maybe it's just a. L.

Is it? Or is it Anastasia? Or is it the commander? Or are they the same thing?

The sleeper wants Harrow's body. Somehow invaded it - probably from the river? - which means its Anastasia or the commander. Which means that whatevers possessing Cytherea is someone else.

In retrospect - Harrow's coldness to Ianthe talking about - to what her - seemed nonsense at the time - in the very first part - doesn't quite fit.

Oh my fucking GOD Gideon is fighting Ianthe for messing around with her fucking girlfriend - who is HARROW, who actually, Ianthe wants to marry.

They just went from ramping up to a serious fight to Gideon dropping Corona's name and suddenly they're like - ah we got more important priorities actually.

Augustine's first thought at thinking a.l./the body (?) is in Harrow is John - and the Second is Joy!(mercy?)

'How I was gonna have to take showers with all your clothes on.' fuckin Gideon hahahaha

Wonder if Ianthe truly believes what she's saying - that Harrow was trying to rid hersel of Gideon. It's preposterous. It's just hurtful talk.

GIDEON REALLY THOUGHT THAT LOOK TO MEAN THAT HARROW DIDNT LOVE HER??? THIS IS A CONSTANT BARRAGE OF ALL THE ANGSTY DRAMATIC SHIT IVE BEEN YEARNING FOR

Oh my fucking god Gideon calling Ianthe out for being in love with Harrow in the most iconic way ufsojdjdodnd 'she wants the D - the D stands for dead'

Crazy brain-mutilated Harrow sure made it seem that way I can tell ya that!!

Hahahahahaha Ianthe remembering Harrows prudish Ortus/Cytherea shit. Amazing

Aw Gideon really went and fell right into the cavalier/bone mistress shit huh. And trying to shield Harrow - well as noted before - very necessary because harrow has been having a godawful miserable time - mostly because of herself.

Gideon appreciating Ianthe's pun xD

Love how neither of them position themselves as the love of Harrows life but instead as inexorably attached to her by the sheer role they play in her life - they don't dare aspire to what they think they can't get.

Muir realises this is gonna end up as a Gideon/Harrow(/theBody)/Ianthe ship right?

Oh WOW THIS IS AMAZING. nonius the legendary nonius!!! Come to protect Harrow!!!

For some reason the Sleeper can manipulate the rules of this River bubble and doesn't seem surprised about it

If all her cavaliers were this excited for death, she was definitely the problem.lololol. somehow Harrow, you inspired undying loyalty in even a person that you treated abominably

Yeah Harrow you slowpoke. If the Sleeper can adjust the rules - so can you

If the sleeper was not Harrow's invention - but planted itself - then they're very lucky it got to the ghosts that weren't actually there - first.

So it was the commander....a portrait in a shuttle of blood of eden - can only be the commander. And redhaired? There are too many red haired people in this book!!

It's nice how all these ghosts got to have lasting impact from beyond the grave

NONIUS KNEW ORTUS/GIDEON?

Ok so ....there's the bed of the River with stoma. But there might also be the other side.

Did Harrow really not account for steps beyond her plan to mutilate her brain?

Is this book really gonna go: fuck you Gideon will die anyway ?????

But.wait. the sleeper had a two-hander. Where did that go???

I don't get it. If they go into the river - won't they also go insane?

SO NYAH!!!!!???

Ok but - what? The Commander ALSO -somehow - took over Cytherea's body?

'did the ten billion give you that too' I KNEW CANAAN HOUSE HELD EVEN GRUESOMER EXPERIMENTS AND SACRIFICES THAN LYCTORHOOD. God is made of ten billion souls. I think they killed humanity on earth to spare it 'slow inexorable apocalypse' and used the power to make the Empire from the resurrected. There was an extremely vague implication by Teacher to the amount of souls violated in Canaan house in the first book.

So God knows the commander went for the ninth house? Firstly, how. I don't understand how Anastasia fits in here!!! It would explain though how the commander

So the commander found the ninth house - and she died right? They tried to call her spirit but couldn't. But she became a revenant?

Ah. God THREW the bomb.

A fuckin wake me up inside joke jskdjskdnd

So Mercy and Augustine ( not Gideon ?) had all turned against God? And they were working with the commander to -... Make a baby????? And then evacuate the houses???? (For when God dies - there being a risk that Dominicus would go out I guess)

Make a baby/body to lever the one who lies in the tomb into....?

Love how the book foreshadowed Mercy and Augustine manipulating and lying to God - and turns out they did that on much bigger scale

They....meant to kill the baby to break the blood ward?

'The woman who I was pretty sure was my mother, wearing the body of the woman I'd had a crush on, who in turn had been wearing the identity of a woman she'd murdered -' KSNFKDJDKFJJFC

So why did they want this consistently characterised as kindly and humane god dead?

GIDEON THOUGHT IT WAS HIS!!!! But he called Wake Anastasia then????

They really are the same???

Oh my god I know what they're gonna say. Gideon is the daughter of God. WHICH HARROWS FUCKIN ROYALTY AU FEVER RIVER DREAM FUCKING FORESHADOWED HAAHAHAHAHHAA

Isn't it fucking ironic that God told Harrow that - HE WANTED HER TO BE HIS??? WHILE GIDEON HIS ACTUAL DAUGHTER WAS SPINNING INSIDE HER CHEST LIKE A LITTLE NUCLEAR FUSION REACTOR

They've been trying to kill him for more than 500 years???? Did mercymorn actually genuinely learn the extremely fine knowledge of the body for THIS purpose? How many thousands of years ago did they decide to kill god?

A fucking DAD JOKE

GIDEON REMEMBERING HOW SHE USED TO TELL HARROW HOW HER OTHER PARENT MIGHT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD SO STOP PICKING ON HER

I am fucking DELIGHTED I AM SO GODDAMN OVERJOYED

It segues into a reminder of how shit their childhoods were and how their suffering had them lash out at each other endlessly and how it made Harrow suicidal and shit though - which is great

ALECTO'S EYES. THE A. FOR A. L.

A. L. The cavalier of God....but she walked. She had a body.

Ohhhhh. That's why they betrayed him. That age-old hurt. Ten thousand years old but still the bane of their existence, the seed of their madnesses. The loss of their cavaliers. Oh how did they manage to keep that from him?

I honestly thought - is Mercy saying she knows he killed humanity? But that's not what she couldn't have forgiven?

But why did he hide it? Why did he hide the perfect way? ('it would be easier' why???)

Ah. Yes. The expansion, why would the Emperor do that?

Uhhhhh. Couldn't Mercy have done that all along??????????????????????? Couldn't Mercy have killed God all along? That was both a trick and utterly sincere.

Augustine and Mercy were trying to do the right thing..... Mercy.... :'( Augustine was right. God is much less sentimental than he seems.

'im not even mad that you failed to either fix or put down Harrow' hm guess the constant kill quest HAD come from God after all. What a goddamn bitch of a man

What was the original plan? Unleash a. L. ? And then what? How would that help with the whole Dominicus going out problem?

Had God ever really thought to make up for all the bullshit he put his Lyctors through. He seems so affable and human but he's caused so much suffering. He's as good at manipulation at them - better!

The resurrection beast can't kill him, but he let his Lyctors die to them one by one anyway. So why??

Why are they punching each other in the River? They can use theorems right? God could blast Augustine to pieces same he did mercy?

Yes! It's true! Pyrrha and Gideon both exist in the same body - foreshadowed by his cavaliers build. There was something so fishy about it.

I love how Gideon has exactly the same response as me: what the fuck. Pyrrha??? Gideon??? What the fuck??? Why did they BOTH have an affair with their enemy??? So ok. Pyrrha stayed underground from Everybody for the thousand years. SOMEHOW their compartmentalisation let her pop up in his body regularly and not just when Gideon remembered her - because the hadn't fucked up his brain. But then how did THEY do that.

This absolutely galactic balsiness

The stoma thinks John is a resurrection beast. Might it be.....because he's..... A revenant. A 10 billion souled kinda- revenant ? A bit like.....Harrow is? Which is why he felt kin to her? Which is why he compared her creation to Resurrection?????I've really gotta reread those messages from commander wake.

A fucking jail for mother meme. Jail for one thousand years. Gideon how do you know this one????

I KNEW Ianthe would do that. Knew it. She doesn't want the system to die. Coronabeth is still out there. Well guess what - she's on the opposite side babe. Ok I realised that Gideon's mum apparently stuck to Gideon and then the sword? But also did Harrow manage to break the blood ward because of of her proximity to Gideon? Did Harrow uhhhh get put into a pocket in the river? But the emperor wasn't murdered!!! Fuckin chapters kept lying. They're on a hold planet. Finally - we meet the people. Alecto and Camilla and Corona? And Judith.? Did Alecto somehow do a time twisty around to come save Gideon at that moment in the river? Once again nothing much more is clear.

#my stuff #harrow the ninth #gtn #ninth

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honeyfelix · 4 years

Text

where i’ve been

hi everybody !! i’m sure most of you are not keeping tabs on this sort of thing, but maybe some of you have noticed that my presence here has been inconsistent and sometimes just nonexistent? and i guess another thing you might have noticed is that i tend to have little mental breakdowns that i unfortunately take out on here? and i think i kinda owe it to u to explain myself for a couple reasons:

1. i genuinely believe it’s irresponsible to broadcast certain facets of mental illness to a wider audience, many of whom are younger, without being mindful of providing trigger warnings or crisis resources etc. it’s not right of me to potentially trigger others or only show a certain lens of my experience without context or to basically demand attention and pity. it’s just gross. i’m ashamed of that and i’m really sorry

2. i’m sure most of you follow me for my writing and i haven’t been producing that at all. so i should give you fair notice that my writing frequency has / is going to shift significantly

i guess first i just want to apologize - my intention isn’t to make people worry. but i know myself and the way i preen for attention when i’m feeling unstable. it’s not right and it’s selfish and gross and i hate it.

in a nutshell, i’ve been consistently unstable (if that’s not an oxymoron) for many many years. it is not new to me. and for this brief moment i was able to abandon that and be functional on here and live a little baby dream of getting to write about my favorite group and have people read and enjoy it. it’s still so exciting to me, every single like and reblog. so thank u if youve ever read anything ive written! its crazy to me and i do not deserve!! i think my work is perfectly average but it’s gained me a really beautiful network of friends and such kind words and im so stupidly grateful.

but this has been an outlet and not always an honest one bc the state of my... i guess mental health? self perception? has been so deeply fucked. i dont want to say im in danger but i dont think its right to not say that either. i dont know. i feel like ive lost track of this haha i dont know where im going.

i’ve seen a lot of people whose mental health is suffering from this quarantine. for me it’s been a period of clarity and rest. basically i’m always losing my mind but also running on no sleep and constant work stress. now i’m able to see that i guess i’m really not good? there’s been some really horrible blows to my confidence and self-perception in the past few weeks or month or so. i just feel a bit insane.

i’m a bit tired of letting this kill me but i also don’t really know any other way. i guess the only thing that matter is at this time i wouldn’t say i have writers block - just can’t imagine myself writing again. can’t even begin to think of how to write. i hope that changes so i’m keeping my requests in my inbox. but that’s just where i’m at now. and if you want to unfollow that makes all the sense in the world! i’m not providing what you came here for. i feel really guilty about that and not really sure who i am.

the other thing is that i really really dont like talking about it and i dont even really know what i would talk about. nothing happened to me. there’s no reason i feel this way or grievances to air out or anything to cry over. it’s just me being stupid.

part and parcel of that is not knowing what my presence on here looks like. i know i’m making this way too serious and it’s embarrassing but yeah. i just don’t think i can stay in the cycle of making promises of a short hiatus and coming back strong. clearly that’s not true because i keep doing this over and over.

i don’t want to lose my friends or this safe place. that’s the hardest part of it all. and i guess i need to do some work on myself but i don’t really know what that means and i don’t want to do it either. i don’t know if i’m lazy or scared or what.

i think i’m just rambling now. i’m really really sorry. but on some level this is still my blog right? a place to log my thoughts? i’m not really sure what i’m allowed to do. and i’m not sure how to end this either. but thank you for being so nice. i know it’s not that serious and i’m making too much of this and i’m so sorry again. it’s not goodbye - i’m not sure what it is. i guess this is a message to say, i guess don’t expect anything from me? i wish i knew! and i’m sorry! i’m really really really sorry!!!

#i'm sorry again #this is not required reading #just #an outlet #sorry!!!!

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softyhyunjin · 6 years

Text

first ⌲ bang chan

Description: You always come first.

⇥ genre: bestfriend au, college au, love triangle, angst, fluff

⇥ pairing: chan x reader

⇥ word count: 9.7k

a/n: @changbeanie are you happy now lmao

“Hey, remember how we met in English?”

The campus was semi lifeless and you were both late to class. It was a bad idea to get ice cream during the passing period because Thursday was the busiest day of the week for the both of you. You had just came out from your chemistry lecture while Minho had just finished his contemporary dance lecture. You met him at the usual spot: the ice cream truck by the bell tower in the middle of campus.

Knowing Minho, he would want to get ice cream right after he got out of dance, and make you wait in line with him. You guess it wasn’t too bad since you wanted some too…

“How can I take the time to remember how we met when we’re late for class? You could’ve waited to get ice cream after we finish math,” you stressed, taking another bite of your vanilla ice cream.

“Says the one who’s almost done with their ice cream,” Minho chuckled, nodding over to your ugly bitten waffle cone.

Actually, you could recall your first encounter with Minho. You remembered bumping into him on the first day of class last year, but it was his fault for not paying attention. Minho had his schedule in one hand and the campus map in the other. You were prepared for your classes because you took a look around campus a couple days prior to when the term began. Minho just liked to do things very last minute.

Minho happily licked the creamy pink swirl in his sugar cone, taking his sweet time to indulge the milky strawberry flavor. He chose to prioritize food over changing into clean clothes. His outfit wasn’t bad. It was just a black t-shirt along with a pair of black sweatpants, but there was no point in carrying a duffle bag filled with clean clothes if he wasn’t going to change into them.

You noticed how the beads of sweat on the sides of his face were slowly making its way down to his jawline. Your attention was suddenly on his neck. When Minho spoke, you watched how his adam’s apple would bob up and down. How insanely attractive, and he’s a dance major, you thought, eyes widening once you realized what had just happened.

Those kinds of thoughts never came to your mind, and they shouldn’t at all.

“Something on my face?” He questioned, pointing at himself. Bothered with what had just happened, you pulled out the napkin you were saving in your pocket for later but gave it to Minho instead.

“Just wipe your stupid face.”

ii.

“Have you ever tried fried chicken with vegemite?”

“Just because I’m Australian doesn’t mean I put vegemite on everything, Y/N,” Chan stretched from his seat, “I think it’s time for a study break.”

“Can you-“

“Yes, I’m going to order chicken in a minute. Just let me grab my phone and we can have it with Sprite, okay?” He chuckled at your eagerness.

Your brain was fried from all that studying. Chemistry is no joke. The midterm was coming up, and you couldn’t take the chance of putting off your academics till last minute. When you were feeling lazy, you realized how lucky you were to be stuck with Chan for another four years so that he could push you to do work. Also, he’s always hard working and on top of his shit. That means you could always go to him when you needed help, and he could never refuse when it came to you.

“Okay,” he said after getting off his phone, “They said it would take up to forty minutes, and I ordered extra radish cubes too.”

Bringing your palms to your cheeks, you pressed them and stared at Chan with so much adoration in your eyes. “Thank you, Chan,” you whispered.

Grimacing, he said with disgust written all over his face, “Don’t do that, it’s gross.”

You scowled at your best friend. When your stomach growled loudly, Chan laughed at how pitiful you looked. “Chan, what do we do for forty more minutes?” You pouted.

“What else, Y/N? Study, duh.”

You pretended to not hear that, asking again, “Huh? What should we do for forty more minutes?”

Chan placed his hands on his hips and gave you a hard eye roll. Then, he waddled into the kitchen and came back with a miniature sized jar known to be the most despicable spread on earth. “Why don’t you spread some vegemite on toast and just eat it?”

You crossed your arms, refusing to look at him and the jar of vegemite, “You’re disgusting, get that away from me!”

“You’ve never even tried it. Stop basing its taste off of shitty reviews from Youtubers. Aren’t you bored?”

“Yes.”

A light bulb lit in Chan’s head. He snickered at the creative idea he came up with, “I’ll put the spread on different foods in my fridge and pantry. Then, you guess what I combined the vegemite with. How’s that?”

That was actually not a bad idea. It’s either studying until the chicken comes or fool around, and you really did not want to look at chemical equations anymore.

“Fine, but don’t go easy on me,” you grinned.

“Don’t count on it.”

For the next half hour, you both took turns blindfolding each other. You regret going too easy on him with the combination of chocolate and vegemite, apples with vegemite, and kimchi with vegemite. On the other hand, Chan had no mercy when it came to feeding you his disturbing concoctions. He was having the time of his life when he combined the spread with a slab of American cheese, a dried anchovy, and a banana.

They weren’t even paired separately, he combined them all at once.

“You’re lucky I didn’t get sick from your disgusting combinations,” you said angrily with a mouthful of chicken.

“If you didn’t feel well, I could’ve had this all to myself,” he waved a piece of chicken that was shaped like a fat boot.

“Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Taking a huge gulp from the Sprite bottle, Chan cocked an eyebrow. “What is it this time?”

“Can you help my friend and I study? We’re a little rusty with calculus, but I promise you that it won’t be as tiring as it is with chemistry.”

“Do I get paid?”

“I’ll get you a whole fried chicken, all yours Chan. How’s that?” You know for a fact that he could not say no. A whole fried chicken was on the line and free of charge. An addict like him would do anything for chicken, even if it meant suffering for a couple hours with you. Licking off the grease and crumbs on the edges of his lips, Chan hummed. You knew he caved in the moment you mentioned something free.

“You really know how to do business. Throw in some radish cubes and it’s a deal,” Chan raised his hand to shake, but you swatted it away because it was oily and covered in crumbs.

“Deal.”

iii.

“I thought I was going to get some hot chick’s digits by the end of this study session, but I guess not.”

Snorting over Chan’s disappointment, you propped your chin on the table with your palm. Today was different. It was different because Minho joined the study session. Minho was waiting in line to order while you and Chan were gossiping in the corner booth of the coffee shop. People would assume the place would be packed at this time since it was only a ten-minute walk from campus, but it was surprisingly not. “Did you really think I would introduce you to a girl?”

“Why not? You’re passing chemistry because of me,” he shrugged, rummaging his backpack for his agenda and laptop to take a look at his due dates for the week.

“No. I’m passing because I’m staying focused and working hard.”

“Yeah, due to the study sessions you insist on having with me. Y/N, just admit it. Your success will be credited to me,” Chan smugly boasted. Taking a look around the coffee shop, your eyes were drawn to the hipster neon sign behind Minho.

You giggled at Chan while reading the neon purple font, ‘wake up and smell the coffee’. Turning around as if on cue, Minho made eye contact with you, raising his brows, then, playfully sticking his tongue out before turning back to move forward in line. That definitely caught you off guard. Even Chan noticed when he saw your smile falter after looking away from Minho’s backside.

Minho’s small, playful gesture made you feel uncontrollably giddy. When he came back to the booth, you had trouble maintaining eye contact when he asked you a question. Recently, it was more difficult to converse with him than usual since you were bothered by the thought of him being more attractive. As cheesy as it sounds, your heart was pounding against your chest, and it felt more powerful than usual.

When Chan said something that seemed amusing to Minho, Minho would lightly chuckle and glance at you from the corner of his eye. As you thought about it more and more, you’ve come to a realization that Minho was definitely cuter than before. When he gently shook your wrist to ask a question, a fluttery feeling sprouted in your stomach. It was hard to concentrate on your work because his smile was distracting.

There were several moments where Chan caught you staring at Minho. You were more quiet than usual and he knew something was up. Chan recognized your symptoms, and you were starting to as well. While you were in denial, Minho excused himself to use the restroom, leaving you with a fully aware Chan sitting across from you. Before you could admit to what you were thinking of, Chan had already beat you to it.

“Someone’s developing a crush,” he teased softly while surfing the web.

iv.

Several weeks have passed since Minho’s joined your study group. Surprisingly, Chan and Minho got along with each other just fine. In the beginning, you were actually a little worried since it took some time for Minho to get comfortable with you back then. Luckily, those two shared common interests in video games and dance.

“Let’s call it a night. I think we’ve studied enough,” Chan yawned, closing his laptop afterward. He’s developed some dark circles from staying up all night over these past couple of days. Thanks to him, you and Minho are fully prepared and ready to take the math final.

Blinking slowly, Chan decided to cross his arms on the table, using it to cushion his head. You packed your laptop and notebooks, stretching when you got off the chair. You nudged his elbow, “Chan, go brush your teeth and wash your face. You can sleep on your bed after.” Chan mumbled something incoherent before getting up to use the washroom. You and Minho said goodbye, and you reminded Chan to lock the door.

It was almost 4 am, and you still had to walk back to your apartment. Thank god Minho lived a block away from you or else you would have to walk back by yourself. It was tempting to sleep over at Chan’s, but you didn’t want Minho to feel left out since he wasn’t as close to Chan like how you were. You didn’t mind walking back with Minho either. It just meant you had fifteen minutes with him all to yourself.

Even though it was extremely cold outside, you both walked slowly. Minho and you were both wearing black windbreakers over hoodies. He cupped his hands, blowing warm air into them and rubbing intensely to heat his cold fingers. Then, Minho used the hood from his gray Thrasher hoodie from underneath the windbreaker to cover his head. You silently watched, amusing yourself by breathing out a small cloud in the cold air.

“Can I ask you a question?” Minho suddenly asked.

You chuckled, giving him a look, “You’re asking one right now, aren’t you?”

He shook his head lightly, chuckling at your smartass response. “Yeah, and I’m going to ask another one.”

“Hit me,” you raised your eyebrows.

Minho cleared his throat and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Do you like anyone?”

Your stomach dropped because you didn’t know how to respond. Yes, you did like someone. Were you willing to tell him though? No, because he was the person you liked. “No, does it seem like I do?” You cooly responded.

Minho rolled his eyes, “If you didn’t, do you think I would’ve even asked?”

“Yeah, because you’re nosy!” You joked.

“Are you sure you don’t?” He asked again.

“Who do you think I like then?”

Minho shrugged with puppy eyes, “Dunno, maybe you like Chan?”

You laughed at the mention of Chan. No way, you could never. You didn’t see him in that way, and you don’t think you could ever. Although you and Chan were very close, you never saw him romantically. “No, never. He’s only a friend, always.”

“Hmmmmm, that’s what they always say.” Minho teased, leaning in to show you his wiggling eyebrows.

You nervously gulped at the unfamiliar close proximity with Minho. As you leaned away, he leaned in further to mess with you. Losing your balance, your left foot slipped on the wet pavement, causing you to grab a hold of Minho’s arm. You yelped, grabbing onto him tightly. His hand caught the small of your back, and you were suffering. You were lucky that he was unaware of your crush on him.

Minho broke into a grin, helping you get back on your feet, “I’ve cracked the Da Vinci code haven’t I?”

“I don’t like him,” you said. Flustered with what had just happened, you walked ahead, leaving a laughing Minho behind you. Just a block away from your apartment, and that was it.

“I swear I won’t tell him, Y/N!” He yelled at you. You picked up your pace, leaving him behind even more.

“DON’T EVEN BOTHER.”

“Why do you keep smiling creepily on your phone? Are you dealing with the Black Market or something?” Chan looked from the television screen with a confused expression.

“Mhmmm,” you brushed him off, finishing your text to press send.

He rolled his eyes, “She’s not even listening.”

You immediately got up from the couch while keeping your eyes on the screen of your phone. Chan stared at you with wide eyes. Something was odd and you were starting to scare him. “You’re not meeting with a client, right?” He asked.

“I have to go home and get ready. Chan! He asked if I wanted to get food with him,” you paced back and forth between the couch and coffee table.

“Ahhh, I get it now. She sold herself in the Black Market. Who would want to buy that?” Chan shivered at the image of you providing escort services. He was only joking though, he wanted to see how long it took you to actually start listening to him.

“You’re so annoying, I did not sell myself on the Black Market. I’m selling you,” you whacked Chan with the nearest pillow you could grab. “But… I need to go home and get ready because I’m going out soon.”

Chan flinched and grabbed the pillow from you, “Are you out of your mind? It’s Christmas Eve right now, there’s nothing opened at this time. It’s 10.”

“I’m sure at least one place is still opened around this time. Now, take me home, please. I need to get ready,” you were quick on your feet, approaching the door in a second.

Sluggishly removing himself from the couch and trudging past the counter to grab the car keys, Chan groaned as he passed by you. While slipping his sneakers on, he complained, “It’s Christmas Eve, Y/N. I just wanted to stay in and watch Christmas movies.”

“You didn’t even have any in mind,” you rolled your eyes, following him shortly after putting on your shoes.

You both walked in the hallway, and the sound of his keys jingled as he spun them around his finger. He turned back and said, “I had A Christmas Story in mind.”

“Boring, I’ll pass.”

Chan shook his head and pressed the button for the elevator once you two reached the end of the hall. He yawned while hitting the parking lot button with his index finger. When you arrived at the parking lot, Chan aimed his keys at the white 2015 Mercedes Benz SL550 at the corner of the parking lot garage. After hearing the car beep, you rushed to the car and hopped in the passenger seat.

During the drive, you bumped up the Christmas playlist Chan made on his Spotify account. As you jammed out on Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You, he interrupted you. “Who are you going out with so late?” He asked.

You turned down the volume and sheepishly smiled at him, “Mmmmmm… Minho?”

“Ohhhh boy,” he rolled his eyes, “So how's this crush going? Do you like him a lot?”

You thought about it for a moment before telling Chan your honest feelings. “At first, I didn’t want to like him, and I was in complete denial. But eventually, I guess I finally accepted it. The more I spend time with him, the more I grow to like him even more. I feel comfortable around him,” you blushed, feeling embarrassed to tell Chan these kinds of things.

“I guess,” Chan shrugged and then put on a salty face to scold you, “Don’t stay out too late, and Merry Early Christmas since you wanted to be with Lee Minho instead!”

He pulled over to the sidewalk in front of your apartment. You shook his arm roughly, laughing at him for being such a child. “Merry Early Christmas Chan! I’ll see you around.”

“See you around Y/N.”

vi.

“Ugh, there’s nothing opened at this time. Not even McDonalds is open,” you pouted as Minho drove away from the fast food restaurant, staring at it more longingly than you’ve ever done in your whole life.

“Hey,” he teased, “You’re the hungry one, not me. You were the one who insisted that we go out at this time.”

You sighed in defeat. He wasn’t wrong though, you were the one to suggest going out at this time. As your mind wandered to the idea of binge eating hot tteokbokki and kimbap, your mouth was slowly watering. Frowning over your disappointment, you mumbled, “Tch, you offered.”

“You’re lucky I did some grocery shopping yesterday. Do you want to come over to my place?” Minho asked.

You glanced at him from the corner of your eye. It wasn’t like it was your first time coming over, you’ve been there countless times. But the thought of spending Christmas Eve with him had this romantic mood to it. Honestly, it was just you overthinking the scenario and you needed to stop yourself. You were fully aware of how much you had just over thought this situation and toned it down by 99 percent.

“Okay.”

Luckily, the drive back to Minho’s place didn’t take too long. As you punched in the digits, 1004, you slightly cringed at your friend. You’d understand if his passcode was his birthday: 1025, but 1004? Angel my ass, you thought. His features were blessed to look like an angel’s, but he sure did not act like one.

You walked in before he did and took off your shoes. The first thing that came to your mind was finding yourself something to eat, and if you couldn’t, no problem. You would make Minho cook you something up.

“Oh, hey! I have some instant tteokbokki. Want me to make that for you and add cheese and sausage with it?” Minho held up a frozen pack of rice cakes after fishing in his freezer.

Your mouth went agape and you nodded excitedly. Minho chuckled at your reaction, thinking it was pretty cute for a moment. Then, he began to take out the other ingredients as you stood there looking at the nutrition facts on the back of the package. “It’s worth two servings, are you going to eat it with me?”

“If I don’t, then something is obviously wrong with me,” he cocked an eyebrow.

Minho just loves food. Nothing could ever get between him and his love for food. Throughout this semester, it was pretty much a routine to treat yourselves out by the end of the week. Most of the time, Minho was the one suggesting new places to try out while you almost always greed since you weren’t much of a picky eater. His favorite foods consist of jjamppong, tteokbokki, and buldak. Literally, anything spicy was his go-to option.

Your face scrunched in a teasing manner, “Who knows? Maybe you don’t want to get fat.”

Minho turned around with wide eyes and scoffed, “Who am I making food for at 11 again, and you’re calling me fat? Y/N, me? Fat? Have you seen this face? Maybe you’re the fat one.”

You grabbed the roll of paper towels on the counter, pretending to threaten to hit him with it if anything else came out of his mouth. Minho flinch and pretended to be very scared at your sudden change of movement. You lightly tapped the roll on his head and he grabbed your wrist to secure you from bopping his head with it again. When he took the paper towel roll from your hand with his free one, he placed it back on the counter.

Minho grabbed your other wrist, pulling you in closer to him. “Now you’re threatening me in my household? You have some guts, Y/N,” he teased, raising an eyebrow as you blinked at him like a fool.

Your flustered self would’ve been done for if you two were any closer to each other, but your stomach saved the day by loudly growling out loud. Minho broke eye contact by looking at your stomach. He let go of your wrists, letting them drop to your sides and laughed.

“Alright, let’s make some tteokbokki.”

Cooking with Minho was probably one of the most annoying things you have ever done with this man. He was so picky when it came to preparing foods, especially if directions were written on the package. You have to follow everything it says, or else it wouldn’t taste good.

“Finally! We can eat,” you peeked over to Minho for a thumbs up.

He shook his head, “Nuh uh, not yet. I need to add the garnishes.” Grabbing the small shaker on the kitchen table, he sprinkled some roasted sesame seeds on top of the tteokbokki. “Okay, now we can eat,” he chuckled.

You didn’t know what it was, but instant tteokbokki somehow tasted better than before. As you kept struggling to pick up the rice cakes with chopsticks, the corners of Minho’s lips quirked upward. It was hard to notice since they were covered in sauce. Minho easily stabbed a rice cake, bringing it up to your mouth. “Maybe you need training chopsticks, Y/N,” he cooed, mouthing at you to open your mouth wide.

You glared at Minho but leaned in for the rice cake since it was already in front of you. You slowly chewed at the glutinous rice cake covered in that the thick, spicy sauce Minho loved. Your eyes watered at the spice level, but Minho was totally fine. “I have strawberry milk in the fridge,” he nodded towards the fridge.

“I’ll drink it once we finish, can’t be a pussy now, can I?” You huffed.

“Certainly not, oh! Five more minutes till Christmas,” Minho said while scrolling through his phone. When you peeked over, he was on Snapchat and responding to his streaks.

“What’s Jisung doing?” You asked about his best friend.

“Making cookies with his girlfriend. I told him to add walnuts in there.”

“Isn’t he allergic to walnuts?”

“Mhmmm,” Minho nodded.

Minho received another notification from Jisung on Snapchat. When he pressed on the red square icon, it was a picture of Jisung flipping him off, saying ‘hope you fucking eat ass once you give Y/N her gift’. Minho sighed, remembering to slap the shit out of Jisung the next time he ran into him in the cafeteria. You looked at Minho, blinking in shock. “What the hell did you get me?”

“Nothing,” he laughed nervously, but you weren’t buying it at all, “Okay, fine. Wait here.”

Minho came back with a small, gold gift bag that was filled to the brim with tissue paper. Placing it on the table, he slowly slid the present to you, nervously anticipating your reaction. The bag was no larger than a bag of regular sized chips and was very lightweight. You removed the tissue paper, enjoying the crisp ruffling sounds it made. When you reached into the bag, you felt something hard and roughly textured with bumps. Once you pulled out the mystery gift from the bag, you were ready to use it to smack this man in the face.

“Thanks for the rubber drumstick dog toy, I’ll be sure to put it to good use,” you said, pretending to inspect the chew toy by holding it near your face.

Minho smirked and chuckled at your reaction. He just loved to mess with you, and he did the trick by buying a plastic dog toy from the dollar store. Minho knew you were going to throw it at him soon, so he reached into his pockets.

Bringing out a small, flat square box, Minho slid your actual present onto the table this time. The white gift box tied sealed with red ribbons didn’t really make you hope for much. If it was a shock toy, you wouldn’t be surprised.

As you slowly undone the tiny ribbon star, Minho impatiently drummed his fingers against the table. “You’re so slow,” he mocked.

“Let me be,” you huffed, “Besides, it’s going to be another gag gift anyways.”

“That’s what you think,” he mumbled.

When you finally removed the lid, Minho couldn’t help but smile when you gasped at the gift. It was a simple necklace with a thin silver chain and small, aquamarine gemstone pendant. To think he was even capable of thinking of getting you something like that was truly shocking. “Wow,” you said, startled.

“Do you like it?” Minho subtly rubbed the side of his neck. Although he was satisfied with your reaction, he was worried that you might reject his gift. He had trouble finding a gift for you, but he stumbled across this necklace. There was a meaning behind the necklace, but Minho wouldn’t bring it up unless you did. It was too cheesy for him, but it seemed to fit you, and he just stuck with it.

“Y-yeah, I do,” you stuttered.

When the clock struck 12, it was finally Christmas. Several fireworks went off and both of your phones were buzzing with notifications from friends and family. Minho sighed in relief when you said you liked the necklace. When he was going to reach for the necklace, you beat him to it and easily put it on yourself without the help of a mirror or him. Great, because it would be weird if he was the one who put it on you.

The little gemstone drop represented the little things in life. Little things included studying together, going to the movies, staying up late to Skype each other, having drinking contests at parties, and pigging out after a long week are the memories that always made him smile when he thought of you. To Minho, little moments like this mattered to him the most.

“Merry Christmas, Y/N.”

vii.

“Chan, I left my wallet at home,” you whined.

Chan shrugged, laughing at your bad luck, “Guess you’re not eating today.”

“No! Buy me food, I’ll buy you chicken tonight.”

“A whole chicken?”

“A whole chicken is expensive, so no.”

“Sorry, I guess I don’t have enough for you,” he scratched the back of his head.

You slapped his shoulder and Chan hissed at the annoying pain. While Chan rubbed his shoulder, you began to accidentally eavesdrop when you recognized a familiar voice, two familiar voices actually.

“Hey, is that her?” One said.

“Yeah,” Minho said.

You turned around and spotted Minho walking towards you with Jisung beside him. When you made eye contact with him, he waved to you and picked up his pace. “Hey.”

“Hey,” you blushed.

Chan frowned at your unusual feminine side and began to cough obnoxiously, “Oof, I think I’m getting sick Y/N.”

You ignored Chan and continued your little conversation with Minho and Jisung. Jisung recently lost a bet with Minho so he had to treat Minho out for the whole day. Knowing the ridiculous amount Minho can eat in one sitting, Jisung’s wallet would be nearly empty by the end of the day. Poor kid, this is why you never make bets with Minho.

“Y/N, we’re next,” Chan interrupted the conversation. You said goodbye and went to order your meal with Chan.

“See you later.”

Chan ordered a burger combo whereas you ordered a chicken sandwich combo. Once you two found a spot to sit, he remembered to grill you into buying him a whole fried chicken for tonight. Normally you would say no and tell him to suck it up, but you were distracted this time. You kept glancing over to Minho unaware that you agreed with Chan. Your body was physically present with your best friend, but your mind was not.

Minho sat on the other side of the cafeteria, facing you. When Jisung said something hilarious, Minho’s eyes morphed into crescents, bringing out his cute eye smile. From time to time, Minho would make eye contact with you, pretending to taunt you by nodding his head and mouthing ‘wanna fight’. Jisung would stop midway into his conversation with Minho and turn around to see the culprit distracting his friend, you.

“Your crush on Minho is so obvious,” Chan rolled his eyes.

“Don’t say his name out loud, we’re in public.”

“Y/N, he’s all the way across the cafeteria. You’re overthinking it,” he rolled his eyes again.

“It’s not obvious. You just think it is because you know,” you glared at him.

“No, it’s because you never act that way around me or anyone else. That’s how I know it’s obvious,” Chan said, getting a little annoyed.

“How would you know?”

“Because I just do, it’s not hard Y/N.”

viii.

“I’m so full! Thanks for the meal,” Chan burped.

You whacked the back of his head but linked your arm with his shortly after. Chan was unfazed by your sudden skinship because you always did this during the coldest days of the winter. He usually complains and shakes your arm off, but this time he didn’t.

“You’re eating my wallet, you fatass,” you stuck your tongue out to tease him.

“What’s the point of saving money when its purpose is solely used for spending?” Chan wisely said.

“Spending money on you is the worst. You literally eat my wallet like a garbage shoot.”

Chan chuckled at your insult and offered to buy you a hot chocolate. You were unable to refuse his offer because he was actually paying for once. You excitedly jumped up and down while holding his arm, causing Chan to be shaken back and forth repeatedly. “If you don’t stop that, the offer will cease to exist,” he blinked hard after feeling a little dizzy from your rough movements.

“Okay. Let’s go to Cha Cha Cafe, I really like their peppermint hot cocoa.”

In order to get to Cha Cha Cafe, you had to walk one more block further and cross on your left. Chan was ranting to you about his lab partner and how she pretty much screwed him over the other day. When he spoke, the fog breathed out looked like dragon’s breath. Oh my god, he was so angry.

“Why don’t you tell your TA?” You suggested.

“You know what? Maybe I just might do that.”

When you spotted the cafe, you groaned at the line inside. Luckily, it wasn’t too packed inside. You quickly crossed the street, dragging Chan like a raggedy doll, and walked into the cafe. Once you stepped foot inside, the aroma of roasted coffee beans went into your nostrils. It smelled really good and the thought of hot cocoa on a cold Saturday night made you excited.

“Hey, isn’t that Minho?” Chan pointed to the corner of the room.

You followed the direction of his finger and spotted Minho talking to an unfamiliar person. “Yeah?”

Minho briefly made eye contact with you and looked away. Usually, he would come over to say hi, but he didn’t. You were curious and snapped out of it when Chan tugged on your sleeve. It was your guys’ turn to order. After Chan paid, you both waited by the pickup counter since all the seats were filled.

“Who’s he with?” Chan asked, peeking at the person sitting across from Minho. You were confused and became more nosy the longer you stared.

When you looked over, a girl with a chocolate brown shoulder-length bob giggled at something Minho said. She wore a red chiffon long sleeve blouse and dark see-through leggings under her black shorts. It’s freezing around this time of the year, wow, just wow. As your eyes trailed down her legs, you eyed the black patent leather ankle boots that must have costed a fortune.

You looked at your own wardrobe choice, suddenly feeling self-conscious at your denim jacket, distressed jeans, and worn out Vans. You never dress up.

“Order 165!”

You unlink your arm from Chan’s and grabbed your peppermint cocoa. Chan looked up to see if there were any free spots, but still no luck. When you two were about to walk away, Minho called you over. “Y/N!”

You saw him walking towards you with the unfamiliar girl. Eyeing at you from head to toe, she tried to subtly link arms with Minho but obviously failed when both you and Chan glanced at her at the same time. “Hey,” you said slowly.

“We were just about to leave, you can take our seats,” Minho offered.

You looked at the stranger beside him and reached a hand out to her, “Hi, I’m Minho’s friend, Y/N. And that’s Chan.”

She glanced at Minho before going in the handshake, finally introducing herself which satiated the bubbling curiosity in your system, “Yeri, nice to meet you.”

“How do you know Minho?” Chan asked, beating you to it. You were glad though, you didn’t want to ask, it seemed too much out of your way to do so. Minho sighed, a little embarrassed but laughed at the question. He was finally caught red-handed by you and he couldn’t lie. He unlinked Yeri’s arm from his and entwined his fingers with hers.

Giving her a soft smile before he looked over to you, he said, “She’s actually my girlfriend.”

The way she tightly held his hand and intensely eyed for your reaction seemed like she was taunting you.

What the fuck.

Chan was fully aware of your feelings towards Minho so the atmosphere was suddenly uncomfortable for himself and you. You were speechless and tried your best to keep a poker face. “Since when?” You asked. “I mean, congrats. But since when? You never told me.”

“Mmmm,” Minho looked at the ceiling, thinking to when Yeri became his girlfriend.

“Two weeks ago,” Yeri laughed. Minho’s eyes widened as he nodded at her.

“That’s right,” he agreed, “Long story, but it’s getting late. I have to get Yeri home, but we should meet up later this week.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you guys around then?” He waved, “Have fun on your date!”

“Nice meeting you guys!” Yeri said.

You watched as they left, feeling more frustrated when you replayed the whole scene in your head over and over again. Once you felt the tingling sensation from your nose, you closed your eyes to try fighting back tears from forming in your eyes. Chan noticed and led you away from the cafe.

There was a park nearby and it was completely empty at this time of the night. You walked to the swings and seated yourself on one and Chan sat on the other. You gently kicked the sand and stared at it as it fell into a small pile in front of you. You didn’t care if your shoes were ruined with sand all over them. You didn’t care if they seeped into the holes and cracks of your sneakers.

Tightly gripping onto the swing’s chain, you felt a hot tear roll down your cheek. Soon, you were sniffling. Chan stayed quiet and watched the whole time. He sighed in frustration, still bothered by the situation just as much as you were.

The ringtone notification went off. After buzzing in your pocket multiple times, you patted your denim jacket, removing your phone from one of your inside pockets. Quickly wiping away your fresh tears, you saw a couple notifications from Minho.

What was supposed to come out as a sigh came out as a whimper from you. Chan abandoned his swing and came over. He grabbed your phone, quickly skimming through Minho’s texts and then put it in his pockets. His arms wrapped around you, and he rubbed your back to soothe your heartbroken state.

Minho: sorry if telling you to have fun on your date with chan made you both feel uncomfortable

Minho: yeri gets super jealous easily

Minho: if she knew you were single, she’d suspect that you like me or something

Minho: LMFAOOOO that’s funny and I always talk about you to her

Minho: but I know you’re mad because I didn’t tell you right away but I’ll make it up to you with whatever you want to eat and tell you everything from the start

Minho: okay?? Pls don’t be too mad Y/N ): I’m sorry

Nothing made sense to you anymore. You really had your hopes up for Minho. To think that you were the only girl he was close to was absolutely your the biggest downfall when it came to liking him.

“Y/N,” he sighed, “Just let it out, it’s okay.”

You cried and leaned in to hug his torso. When Chan felt your tight grip on his jacket, he hugged you closer with one hand on your back and the other behind your head. Chan began to caress your hair to try calming you. Once he gained enough confidence, he gently placed his chin on top of your head. By the time you started sobbing, the center of Chan’s white shirt was wet, covered in your hot tears and fresh snot.

“It’s okay,” he said softly.

An unusual feeling began to stir inside of Chan. It’s happened before. There’s no denying that, but it always went away. This time, it really hit a home run. As you cried, burying your face deeper into his stomach, Chan felt his heart aching yet uncontrollably pounding against his chest.

ix.

Minho: what’s up?

Minho: Y/N

Y/N: What?

Minho: you’re being off

Y/N: Wdym

Minho: you’re ignoring me

You paused and stared at your phone’s screen. It wasn’t like you were fully avoiding him. Even though you didn’t have any classes with him this time, you still met up at your usual spot when he asked. Maybe he noticed when you kept rejecting his offer to hang out.

You weren’t lying, you were actually busy. Well, you were finding ways to busy yourself.

Y/N: No I’m not

Minho: let’s hang out on saturday then

Minho: sound good?

Y/N: I have to help Chan go grocery shopping

Y/N: sorry

Minho: i know you’re lying y/n, i literally ran into him at the market the other day

Minho: tell me why you’re being like this

Minho: is this about not telling you about yeri first?

Minho: i told you i was sorry many times but i still need to make it up to you and tell you everything

Y/N: It’s not that Minho

Minho: then what is it???

You sucked in a deep breath, burying your face into your pillow before screaming into it. Out of all the people you had to develop feelings for, it just had to be him, but you needed to get over him.

The last time you cried about Minho was the other day. You planned to meet Chan in the cafeteria and bumped into Minho and Yeri. They both passed by and Minho made brief eye contact with you. You walked slower, expecting him to do the same and say hi, but he didn’t. He acted as if he never saw you, walking away hand in hand with his girlfriend.

That night, you were forced to stay at Chan’s. He didn’t want you to stay at your place because he knew you would cry in bed. You’re really lucky to have him around though. Chan kept you occupied with whatever he could think of and persisted when you said you weren’t feeling like doing anything.

You were too tired to cry now.

Minho: y/n

Y/N: I’m not acting like that because I want to, Minho. It’s just hard to be around you lately

Y/N: I don’t hate you and I’m certainly not mad at you. I’m just upset and sad

Minho: is this because of yeri? that’s why i wanted to hang out with you and explain everything

Minho: i’ve apologized countless times, what more do i have to do? i really do mean it

Y/N: I like you and I found out you were dating someone out of the blue

Y/N: That’s why I find it so hard to be around you lately

Y/N: I don’t want it to get in the way of our friendship, so I’m putting these feelings aside and going to forget about them. I’ll get over it, so please give me some time. I’ll be fine by next week

*incoming call*

You swiped the call button to answer Minho’s call.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, I-I wasn’t thinking straight enough,” he stuttered on the other line.

“It’s okay, you didn’t know,” you said feeling a slight ache in your chest.

“I had no idea… I literally had no idea, I’m so sorry. I’m so-” Minho whispered dejectedly, but you cut him off before he could apologize again.

“Don’t Minho, I’ll get over it soon.”

After that night, your relationship with Minho was never the same.

You began to distance yourself in the span of a couple of weeks. At first, it was difficult. You didn’t want to make it obvious and hurt Minho’s feelings. It’s something you had to do in order to help resolve your feelings. You believed it would benefit you while you were getting over him.

In the beginning, it seemed out of place to not have him around anymore, but it worked out in the end. Minho was more occupied with Yeri nowadays and seemed to have forgotten about you. Instead of spending your Friday nights with Minho, you treated it like a resting day, spending the day to focus on your wellbeing and beauty routine. Lately, you were with Chan most of the time.

“Stop it! It tickles!”

Chan laughed as you struggled to get out of his choke hold. He knows your neck is sensitive, so it was funnier to him. Although he was less rough on you today, you still wanted to knee him in the groin for being so annoying.

“No,” he cackled at your misery once again.

“I’ll smash and throw away that useless keyboard in your room,” you threatened.

Chan let go and frowned, “It’s not useless, I actually use it to make songs during my free time.”

“Do you even have any songs for me to listen to?” You cocked an eyebrow.

“Y/N, they’re still in the making. Please,” he defended himself.

You stifled a laugh because you know that wasn’t true at all, but Chan only scowled at you. When you laughed at his face, he broke into a grin. You both continued walking from the campus’ food courts to get to the parking lot.

On the way, Minho instantly recognized you once he saw your familiar neon orange Hydro Flask peeking out the side of your backpack. “Hey Y/N!” He greeted you, breaking eye contact the moment you looked at him.

You gave him a small smile and watched as he walked away with Yeri. Chan nudged your arm with his elbow, “You okay?”

“Actually… I’m getting there Chan, slowly, but I’m getting there.”

Chan raised his hand slowly, closing his fingers out of hesitation. Today was different though. You didn’t stare at Minho’s backside as he walked away with Yeri, and Chan didn’t have to snap you out of it. Instead, you were scrolling through IHOP's online menu and daydreaming about their chicken and waffles.

Chan thought to himself, Fuck it, before gently ruffling your hair. When he stopped, you raised an eyebrow, but all he did was give you a cute smile. Pouting at Chan’s soft gesture, you ruffled his hair in return. You were making progress and doing more than well.

“Let’s go, I’m hungry.”

“I’m thinking about breaking up with Yeri.”

Startled by Minho’s abrupt confession, you choked on your jasmine green tea. Minho was spilling his tea, but you were choking on yours. His eyes widened and he repeatedly pat your back to help you settle down. “You okay?”

You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand and nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine. What made you think of that all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know… “ He feigned a smile, “I don’t think I would be happy if I stayed with her.”

You frowned, “Then why did you get with her in the first place?”

“Please refrain from hitting me,” he chuckled.

“I won’t,” you said seriously. You only hit someone when you liked them.

“I actually liked Yeri’s friend, Irene, but she transferred out this year. But Yeri asked me out, and I thought, why not? She seemed cool and she’s a good person, but I don’t know anymore.”

You placed your drink on the step below the one you were sitting on and rubbed your hands to warm them. After listening to his story, you sighed deeply. “If you don’t see yourself growing with her, then don’t stay with her. You’ll just be unhappy and lead her on in the process. I mean… Do you love her?”

“No, I don’t. I’m just so frustrated at this point,” he groaned, combing his bangs with his fingers.

You checked the time, and it was almost 9:00. Shoot! You had to be back at Chan’s place by 10 because you had promised to drop by to pick up your laptop and backpack. You can’t believe you left it there the other day, all of your homework was just sitting at his apartment. “Let’s start heading to the train station? I have to be back soon, but we can still talk,” You stood up from your spot, stretching your arms and legs after sitting down for so long.

As the two of you approached the train station, finishing your homework was on your mind. On the other hand, Minho’s unsatisfying relationship with Yeri was on his. The train was unusually packed tonight, and you groaned the minute the train doors opened. Barely five people exited the cart which meant you had to squeeze in with Minho.

The ride was rocky and uncomfortable. For several stops, you could smell a hobo’s body odor from the other side of the cart. As more people kept trailing in, there was less space for you and Minho. At some point, your chest was only an inch away from his. If Minho was tired, he could’ve rested his head on top of yours.

The closer you were getting to Chan’s, the slower Minho walked. During the walk back, he didn’t talk much. From time to time, he would give you a chuckle or smile if you commented on something random. When you mentioned something about his relationship with Yeri, he only replied with short responses.

You were worried because he seemed so dejected. You wanted to help, but it was up to him to make his own choices. You didn’t want to dictate anything, but you knew for sure that if he wasn’t happy with his relationship, then it was time to say goodbye.

When you finally arrived in front of Chan’s apartment, Minho asked for a hug. Back then, you would’ve initiated the hug because you liked him, but now you’re over him. He tugged on the sleeve of your hoodie, pulling you in for a tight embrace. “To be honest with you…” He mumbled, “I’ve been thinking about breaking up with Yeri for a while now.”

He pulled away to scan your face for a reaction, but you just blinked at him with tired eyes. Minho nervously sighed, preparing himself to say the douchiest thing ever. “After you confessed, I realized that I like you and I have since we first met, but you’re over me now. Aren’t you?”

As ridiculous as it seems, you knew you were over Minho but a small part of you wanted to say no.

Little did you know, Chan was listening to the conversation this whole time. He went to pick up his mail because he forgot to check the mailbox after unloading groceries from earlier. By the time Minho finished confessing, Chan was fuming. After closing his mailbox shut which resulted in a loud bang, he stepped out to intervene. Gripping tightly on the monthly advertisements and statements he received, he almost crushed them in his hands.

“I-” You said, but Chan cut you off.

“Don’t Y/N, because you goddamn know that you’re not a second choice.”

xi.

“I’m going to be super mad if you drop your phone on my face.”

Chan chuckled at your cute comment. After you said that, he purposely hovered his phone over your face. His couch wasn’t big enough for the two of you to lay down, so you made him sit. That way, you could lay your head on his lap. His legs were very hard and muscular from swimming, but that didn’t stop you from using them as a pillow. Chan was still playing Trivia Crack, but it wasn’t fair for you. He’s been beating you in every round, but he still insists on challenging you to another one.

After he acquired another category, the familiar theme played in the background and you groaned. “I don’t want to play this game anymore.”

“What do you want to play then?” He asked.

You shrugged, “I don’t know, just not that stupid game.”

“Then what do you want to do?”

“Just talk,” you blinked.

“We’ve been talking,” Chan teased.

“You know what? I don’t want to talk anymore,” you huffed childishly.

“Get out of my house then,” he retorted.

You slapped his chest, breaking into small fits of laughter because you knew he would never kick you out. Chan’s threats were always lighthearted, and he knew it too. He laughed along, helping you sit up as you removed your head from his lap.

Lately, your growing feelings for Bang Chan scared you.

In the process of getting over Minho, you didn’t want to admit your growing feelings towards Chan. You knew you weren’t fully over him yet, but you were afraid of making it seem like you were using Chan to get over Minho. You didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, because you genuinely liked him.

At some point, Chan was scared too.

He used to be scared shitless at the thought of developing feelings for you, but nowadays, he could care less. Ever since that night where you discovered Minho’s relationship, Chan knew he liked you. It’s been really tiring to deny afterward, and he had no intention of hiding it anymore. Ever since senior year of high school, he’s been putting his feelings to the side.

Tiring, wasn’t it?

Chan teased you even more and you tried smacking him again. He always found you predictable, catching your wrist in his hand before yours could come in contact with his chest. “I don’t think so,” he leaned in, laughing at your struggling state.

“Not fair, you’re way stronger than I am,” you whined as he got a hold of your other wrist.

As he held both of your wrists in his hands, you leaned your head onto his shoulder. Chan looked down, feeling nervous yet happy at the close proximity while you were a queasy mess. It was nice to be physically and emotionally closer to someone. Whether it was giving you a comforting hug or holding on to your wrists to keep yourself from attacking him, Chan always wished for one thing: he wished it lasted longer. When you pulled away, he gently let go, feeling a little disappointed.

“Y/N, can I ask you something?” Chan asked.

You nodded, “Go for it.”

“Do you still have feelings for Minho?”

Startled by his question, you sat up, bringing your knees up to hug. “I wouldn’t know, Chan. As of now, I feel like I’m over him completely, but you never know. I can’t guarantee anything.”

After Minho confessed that one night, you told him how you felt the next day. You knew he was only confused, and it would never work out with him. It took you long enough to realize, but you finally did it. You knew you were better off with someone else, and Chan was right.

You are never a second choice.

“Ah, I see,” he said, suddenly becoming quiet.

“I just can't see myself liking him all over again, I’m happy at where I am right now. I don’t want any more emotional baggage, really.”

“That’s good.”

You sheepishly smiled, “I also like someone else too, so … Yeah.”

Chan’s heart raced. He felt all sorts of emotions at the moment. He felt hopeful, surprised, and disappointed, all at the same time.

He was hopeful that your crush could be him since you’ve been spending most of your time with him nowadays.

He was also surprised because it meant you were doing well, and most likely over Minho.

Lastly, Chan felt disappointed at the scenario that played in his head: you being with someone who wasn’t and most definitely better than him.

“Who?”

You shook your head, giving him a teasing smile. “Only time will tell.”

“Because I like someone too.”

“Who?”

“If you paid attention, time would tell you,” he laughed, combing the waves of his hair with his fingers. Your face scrunched in confusion as you were still unaware of what he was trying to tell you. “Time?” You asked.

“Time,” he nodded.

xii.

And time most certainly did.

One moment you were sitting on Chan’s couch. The next, you were on his bed, straddling his lap during a heated kiss. Chan parted his lips slightly, slowly increasing the pressure to deepen the kiss. He was the first to pull away, chuckling at the sight of your swollen lips. While maintaining eye contact, he dominantly flipped you over, changing his and your positions, causing you to squeal. Chan placed a knee between your legs as he gripped on your waist to keep himself up.

While biting your lower lip, you flirtatiously glanced down at Chan’s. His lips were smudged and swollen with your favorite lip balm tint. He leaned in, gently cupping your cheek in his hand. His hands were soft and warm. You didn’t want him to feel unreciprocated from your lack of contact, so you wrapped an arm around his neck and placed your other hand onto his chest.

Chan missed the feeling of kissing you and leaned in to capture your lips once more. He took over, using his tongue to part your mouth slowly, then playfully caressing yours with his. You pulled him closer to you, enjoying the churning feeling that was growing inside of your stomach. When you stopped feeling his chest and moved your hands to run through his dark waves, Chan used less tongue and began to tease you. While catching your bottom lip between his teeth, he gently nibbled, finishing off the kiss with a long tug.

He plopped down beside you, feeling more lighthearted than ever. You both breathed heavily from making out, chests heaving and eyes on the ceiling. Your heart pounded against your chest, and Chan combed a hand through his hair before sighing in content. When he turned to face you, you turned your head and smiled.

Bang Chan was cute when he was smiling because his eye smile was more prominent. They formed into crescents, making you want to hug and kiss him even more. He took one of your hands in his, bringing it up to his face. After rubbing circles, Chan kissed the back of your hand. It was your turn to cup his cheek, and you poked the center of his chest.

You flicked his nose with your finger, laughing when he fell for your prank.

“I think it’s time for me to go home,” you suggested.

Chan sighed but didn’t object since it was getting late. He would love for you to stay and cuddle till you both fell asleep, but it was his little sister’s birthday tomorrow. He had already planned to go home tonight and surprise Hannah in the morning.

When Chan pulled up in front of your place, he neatly parallel parked and exited the car at the same time as you. Even if it meant walking five flight of stairs because the elevator was out of service for maintenance, he still wanted to walk you all the way to your door.

When you arrived at your door, Chan promised to bring cake after Hannah’s birthday party finished. You didn’t believe him, so he cutely reached for your fingers, giving you a pinky promise. You grew soft at his gesture and said goodnight to him.

But not without giving a quick peck on his cheek.

“Y/N,” he called out, giving you a lingering kiss on the lips before letting you go. “Goodnight.”

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1-800-444-tune · 5 years

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I have cancer ...PLEASE DONATE !!😫😪😔😞

HOME

This is my main blog, I mostly do Tarot and other divination services on here, and most often it is for FREE. Which, this is NOT fair to me, but none of ya 'll know about my struggle.. bug it is real hear me out, yo.

ABOUT ME

I am nearly 30 years old now and I was actually first off diagnosed with Ovarian cysts at the age as young as 14 yrs old, yes, I was 16 by the time it went untreated and had spread all through my ovaries and to all the fallopian tubes and my uterus... then untreated still another couple years (because of poor health care in my smaller rural communities including my hometown) then at 19 my whole entire uterine lining was xomething of a mess, the doctors said basically all there woukd have been to prevent it from dpreading the cancer elsewhere would have been a full out take of my sexual organs , i believe the term is a hysterectomy....but on my paperwork i see here that it says that I was to undergo something else... + + The removal of an ovary together with the Fallopian tube is called salpingo-oophorectomy or unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (USO). When both ovaries and both Fallopian tubes are removed.

But that did not happdn due to complications. So now, its spread to my other organs as youd guess, spleen, liver, kidneys, etc...it is a shitttSHOW I knowe.

This is why I would appreciate it if some one, any one would stand up for me ..just have a say in whether I eat today or not, or whether I stay in this residence without having to move this winter, I mean, Winter, its settling in.,,

I do not always feel totally blessed to be me; But ai I cannot complain when the bills is caught up and I gots good food at home(and the fight food, I am on a special expensive diet)

Cancer is expensive…AF! If you have cancer, this is no news to you. But until cancer happened to me, I had no idea how expensive it truly was. I think it’s safe to say that that seeing how much it will cost to undergo treatment is almost as frightening as getting the actual cancer diagnosis. My diagnosis has definitely opened my eyes to the shocking reality of the financial burden that cancer causes for an individual and their family. The astronomical expenses that accrue from treatments, tests, surgeries, scans, integrative therapies, etc are outrageous! While there are both public and private health insurance that defray medical and drug costs, huge out-of-pocket costs can be devastating to patients and force major changes in their lives. I’ve had to make several changes and my life has been affected indefinitely due to the financial burden that cancer has caused. The financial stress it causes for people during treatment until remission alone is hard, but imagine living with cancer where the treatments, doctor visits, tests and lifestyle adjustments are ever enduring, like when you have metastatic cancer. It’s life altering… to say the least.

HOW MUCH DOES CANCER TREATMENT ACTUALLY COST?

This is an impossible question to answer. The cost of treatment obviously varies from individual to individual based on their diagnosis, the type of treatment they will require and the longevity of the treatment. However, the “typical” cost of breast cancer looks a little something like this according to recent studies.

“For patients covered by health insurance, out-of-pocket costs for breast cancer treatment typically consist of doctor visit, lab and prescription drug copays as well as coinsurance of 10%-50% for surgery and other procedures, which can easily reach the yearly out-of-pocket maximum. Breast cancer treatment typically is covered by health insurance, although some plans might not cover individual drugs or treatments. For patients not covered by health insurance, breast cancer treatment typically costs $15,000-$50,000 or more for a mastectomy or $17,000 to $35,000 or more for a lumpectomy followed by radiation.”

New cancer drugs are being approved at a fast pace. Numerous are approved each year and new drugs are constantly in trial and in the pipeline to be FDA approved. In the past, these drugs might cost around $10,000 for a year’s treatment. But newer studies have found that newly-approved cancer drugs carry price tags between $120,000 and $170,000! One of the drugs I take as part of my daily cocktail, is a newly FDA approved drug called Ibrance… for heavily pretreated ER+ metastatic patients. It has worked wonders for me but a month supply of this drug is over $12,000. I am blessed to have good coverage, but not all people are as fortunate.

“Depending on the individual case and the type and number of treatments needed, the total cost of breast cancer treatment, on average, can reach $100,000 — or, in advanced cases, $300,000 or more. This includes the cost of the chemotherapy drugs, additional drugs to help manage side effects, administration of the drugs and medical care for chemotherapy-related complications.”

And again, if you are anything like myself and are living with a metastatic diagnosis, treatments and care is endless with no foreseeable light at the end of the tunnel.

😔😫😫🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗🎗😔😔😫

WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???

The never ending list of cancer expenses looks a little something like this:

🎗Frequent doctor visits with surgeon, radiologist, oncologist. I personally see my oncologist once every 3 weeks and check in with my surgeon every couple of months.

🎗Lab Tests. This includes blood tests, urine tests and more. I get my labs done every few weeks when I see my oncologist to check my levels and tumor markers.

🎗Clinic visits for treatments. When I was on IV treatment I would be in the treatment center every few weeks. Currently I take an oral chemo and only have to be in the treatment clinic once every few months for my Lupron injection. But many people are in the treatment clinic, daily or weekly to get their infusions and injections.

🎗Procedures for diagnosis or treatment. Such procedures can include biopsies, room charges, equipment.. I’ve had a few biopsies and had to get lung taps done frequently when I had lung mets.

🎗Imaging Tests. These tests include X-rays, CT scans, MRIs and PET scans which may mean separate bills for radiologist fees, equipment and any medicines used for the test. These tests are extremely costly too…yikes! I get PET/CT scans every 3 months, consistently for the past 6 years now.

🎗Radiation Treatment (implants, external radiation, or both) I have never had radiology but as we know, it’s a very common treatment for most cancers.

Drug🎗 Costs. (inpatient, outpatient, prescription, non-prescription and procedure-related) The cost of chemotherapy drugs is crazy!

🎗In-Home Nurse Care (if you need it, and I do actually, yes) and its freaking insane how much these so called "nurses aids -assistants" want an hour!!

Hospital 🎗Stays. This can encompass many types of costs such as drugs, tests and procedures as well as nursing care, doctor visits and consults with specialists. I have been admitted twice, each time for a week stay for cancer related issues.

🎗Surgery. Costs can accrue from surgeon, anesthesiologist, pathologist, operating room fees, equipment, medicines… I have had 3 lumpectomies and 2 other surgical procedures related to my cancer diagnosis.

🎗Fertility. If you are blindsided and diagnosed in your 20’s or 30’s with a cancer diagnosis and want to have a family, freezing your eggs is an option, but a costly one. You will be required to pay for tests, and medications leading up to the surgical procedure to remove your eggs. I paid about $10K out of pocket to cover the cost of freezing my eggs.

While these are examples of the clinical costs associated with cancer, there are other adjustments you may want to make that will also prove to be costly. I personally changed my diet and started to eat all organic foods and sought integrative therapies to add to my clinical regime. You can read more about the therapies I have incorporated here. All of these expenses add up and certainly are a financial strain.

🎗🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟And of course we need to pay... Rent, heat/hydro, car/transportation/ambulance bills , always bills bills bills billsssss.....and wifi/internet/television/mobile phone znd/or tablet or computer and gaming systems... camera.....im z girl so clothes..makeup,(I'm thrifty ricky tho) and always last, maybe maybe get sweets healthwise branded cookies or some type of peanuts(unsalted).

I never get go, go nowhere, do anything, get a coffee from a coffee shop, i can't afford to do just about anything a normal individual such as yourself yourself would do, i just cannot do it its not in my budget ... I currently own ONE lipgloss, and one broken eye liner , that is my makeup beauty kit, who the heck wants to even go out or take pictures thenn? Ugh....

Www.paypal.me/believeitxxnot is the link to the Cancer Fundraiser🎗the email for it is [email protected]

Anyways, do not feel bad for me. I am here to service YOU for ever I know this . TY so much ily guys , please please if you will not donate to my awfully painfully really urgent cause then PLEASE SHARE POST ..... BOOOST POOOOST !! PLZ !! XOXO

I need the supporters !! Yo yo ! DOOOONAAAATEEEEE!!

A n y t h i n g h e l p s m e r i g h t n o w , p l e a s e ! ?

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missjackil · 6 years

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My Diary to the SPN Finale

Day 4.

I overslept my alarm and was almost late for work. Normally. I have a terrible time staying asleep. Most of you who message me know Im up at 4am sometimes. My life is very stressful so its very hard to sleep, so when I wake up at 4am I always put the boys on, watch one or 2 episodes and go back to sleep/ Last night and the night before however, I slept straight through and past my alarm. “This is great!” one may think, but I spent all day exhausted anyway. What I think is happening, is that even though my body is too tense to rest, it knows to spend an hour or 2 with the boy's won't help.

I went to work, forgot what I was doing a bunch of times, and forgot how to do some things I've done a bunch of times. I have to make up excuses, I can't say “My fav show is ending and I'm devastated” or people will think I'm nuts.

At work, all I want to do is come home. But at home, my kids are breaking my heart, my pets are making me insane, and my house is falling apart, and my “security blanket” now feels like jagged sandpaper on my heart.

I'm not a drug user, nor much of a drinker (socially at best) but how stupid is it, that now I want to do both? Im actually jealous now of those who can drink or pop enough pills to be numb. My vice is smoking. Yesterday I lit a smoke when I left work and a customer said “That shit will kill you” and I answered “I sure hope so” Im going to give you all a little background history of me, Its ok if you stop reading now, but follow along if you dare😳

Im 52 and have had clinical depression my entire life. At the very least since I was 4. I dont know how it started but its been there as long as I can remember. needless to say my childhood sucked. Anything that could go wrong did. Im terminally single, unattractive, and perpetually poor even though Ive gone to college twice and have 3 degrees. Ive had 4 failed suicide attempts, my first was when I was 12 and ate 30 +\- asprin which only gave me bleeding ulcers and liver damage and 2 years of therapy that was worthless.

In Jan 2014, my life changed. I came into a good sized inheritance from an uncle who was a retired Army Sgt (mujch more about that I dont know other than he fought in Korea) and was left $50,000. (as were each of my sisters) I didnt go nuts and spend this right away, my daughter, father, and I were living in a decent apartment and was saving it for a down payment on a house. My sisters all used their money to pay off their mortgages and other bills. I was looking for a nice house to buy, but even with $50K I wasnt sure I could handle the property taxes and utilities that had been previously covered by my landlord. My father decided that stairs were no longer something he could handle, so he moved in with my younger sister, so decided that I would just pay a lot of up front rent on our apt and stay there a few more years, but no, the landlord informed us they were selling in 3 months and there was no guarentee the buyer would want to rent out our unit.

Then my car died, which was what was getting my daughter and I back and forth to work. Now I have to dip into the money and get a car. I got a $7000 used car that we shared and as soon as the warrenty was up, everything failed. After spending $2000 for repairs and it was still falling apart, I get another one... cheaper this time, but hey, it runs.

Time goes by, we have 30 days to move out, as predicted, the buyer didnt want to rent our unit out, he wanted to move his mother in. So now Im scrambling to find something to move into in 30 days I find a trailer that seemed like it would be a good fit for just me and my dauhter, lots of room, 2 bathroom a nice yard. Im just about to buy said trailer and the park informs me its been sold because a buyer offered cash. Im like “Ummm I have cash too!” and theyre like “oh.... we were unaware.... but hey we have another one for you” and this one is much smaller, but a newer model so it wont need as much work. With 2 weeks left to move, I reluctantly take it. Now, we move, but with no one and I mean absolutely NO ONE to help us, we left 90% of our belongings in our old apartment because we cant lift shit and neither of us could rent a truck, we only brought what we could carry out. and I had to spend the rest of the money on furnature. Of course I lost my security deposit and also had to pay an additional $2000 for “clean up” of my old apt.

Fast forward to March 1 2015, Im back to broke but still working my ass off. My dryer is broke, my AC and heater, the back door has been leaking quietly for so long you cant step within 2 feet from it or youll go through the floor. Theres a crack in my bathtub that has leaked under the house and is causing my back yard to slowly sink. My daughter works and together we can afford the lot ren, utilities and food. Nothing extra though. We were saving to start fixing things but trying to decided what was most important, and what was most costly. The dryer is cheapest, the leaky tub and sinkling yard is the most expensive but HAS to be done at some poijnt. I buy space heaters and wall unit ACs but that gives me $300 electric bills LOLOL. However I am introduced to SPN and these wonderful boys that I love instantly, and gives me an escape. Helps keep me sane.

We get things almost together, then suddenly, my father died from the flu Feb 1st 2018. This day was the worst day of my life, it was also the night Various and Sundary Villians aired and after all the tears with my sisters and trying to get arrange,ents made, ALL I could think of was coming home and just escaping into my boys for a while. And I did, and it was a blessing. However, within a couple months, my younger sister and I are hit with my dads bills. Hospital bills, credit cards, car payments on a H3 Hummer he bought a few months before. My older sisters didnt get hit with this because they’re his step children, just my younger sister and I do. $30,000 of debt split between my younger sister and I. I havent been able to pay on any of it because they dont give me any option for low payments. Its like “$1500 by whatevermonth 30th or we take you to court” My sister is handling it ok because her husband makes $$$ but not enough to help me too. So, right now Im just keeping my house heated and my kid and I fed and my lot rent paid. Soon my wages will be garnished and I wont have that either and it will be all on my daughter. Now, my escape, the last thing in my whole world I enjoy is ending. So yes.... Im hurting.

#SPN Finale #my diary #day 4

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sadprose-auroras · 6 years

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‘About Time’ - Roger TaylorxFem!Reader (Part 1)

A/N: Hello my darlings! I can’t decide if I hate this or not, and I’m not sure if I’ll continue writing this, depends on the response. Please let me know if you want me to continue it (it would probably require way more parts, like a full on series). Hope you enjoy! - Also, this can apply to Ben Hardy’s portrayal of Roger. Whatever you prefer!

(This was totally inspired by a couple time travel fics I read a few weeks ago, I can’t remember the authors or the names but all credits to them for the time travel idea…. LOVE. IT. I just HAD to write my own, crappier version)

Find my other works here!

You sunk to the floor, your knees giving out beneath you. You felt ridiculous, curling up in a ball, in your wardrobe, but you had reached your breaking point; everything had suddenly hit you. As you hugged your knees, sobbing, your jeans became tear-soaked. Your mind wandered, as your cheeks flamed in embarrassment and shame about your current state, despite nobody being around. How did you get here? A few months ago, your life was great. You had a great job, a great circle of friends and boyfriend, and you were pursuing your passion; studying fashion design. Then, everything began to crumble around you. All your friends turned on you, you got fired, and your studies began to slip as a result, causing you to fail an exam.

If all that wasn’t bad enough, you found out your boyfriend of two years had been cheating on you for a year and 11 months. Go figure. It was as if the universe was playing some long, cruel joke on you, just to see how long before you gave up on trying to pursue any kind of happiness. Just as you came to the conclusion that you really had nothing to fight for, leaning your head back on the wall behind you and closing your eyes, the strangest feeling overcame you. Your head began to spin, and pins and needles covered your entire body. You tried to open your eyes, to move your body, but you were frozen. Your heart rate increased rapidly, and you began to think that this was really it. Whatever was happening, you were going to die. Strangely enough, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

By some miracle, everything stopped. The pins and needles ceased, and, save a throbbing headache, you felt much better. You experimentally wiggled your toes, and you had feeling back again. Hesitantly, you opened your eyes, looking around you. It was dark, but you could make out the shapes of the clothes hanging around you. Oddly, you didn’t recognise any of them. The chair that was next to you when you closed your eyes was gone, replaced by a shoe rack.

You stood up, closed your eyes again and rubbed your temples, trying to rid of the probable hallucinations. You racked your brain, thinking back to when you studied psychosis in high school. You couldn’t remember a thing. Was temporary paralysis a symptom?

You decided you needed to call a doctor. You pulled your iPhone out of your pocket, still in the dark, and opened up safari. You had no wifi, and no reception. Frowning, you opened the wardrobe door, the knob feeling unfamiliar, to be greeted by a figure doing the same. The door swung open suddenly, bouncing on its hinges.

You both screamed loudly, and, without looking at the figure in front of you, you tried to push past to get away, however, a hand gripped you and pulled you back.

Your eyes became fixed on the man in front of you. You frowned, unable to tear your eyes off him. The hallucinations were getting worse; you were conjuring up images of people in your home. Hang on. You knew his face all too well; you had spent hours watching him drum and sing at concerts on YouTube. It couldn’t be, could it?

“Who are you, and what the hell are you doing in my wardrobe!?” he asked, releasing his grip on you. You winced, rubbing where his fingernails had dug into you. This was all too much.

“I should be asking you the same thing, why are you in my house? What’s going on?” you looked around the room, expecting to see your familiar bedroom; your posters plastered around the walls, your colourful duvet, and your plush white carpet. Instead, the walls were empty, the duvet was blue, and the carpet was grey.

“I need to sit down,” you said, overwhelmed, perching on the edge of the unfamiliar bed. You glanced up at the man in front of you, his expression still shocked and wide-eyed, as he looked you up and down, his brows furrowing.

“God, you seem so real,” you laughed. “But there’s no way.”“What the fuck do you mean?” he replied. “I know I’m real, but I can’t say the same about you. I’ve never known anyone who can just appear out of thin air,” he shook his head in disbelief.

You frowned, rubbing your hands through your hair. “What do you mean, I appeared out of thin air?” your stomach began to sink. For reasons you couldn’t explain, something else was going on. Something much weirder than you initially thought.

“Well, I don’t see how you could have got into my wardrobe without me seeing. I’ve been in my room for 20 minutes.” You glanced at his legs, frowning. What kind of person wears flared jeans anymore?

“I, um,” you began, a laugh escaping your lips despite yourself. This was all too ridiculous. You were actively avoiding eye contact with him. You figured if you acknowledged that it was him, at that age, in front of you, this would all go away. It was impossible. Suddenly, it all came together, as shocking as it was. It wasn’t him that was in the wrong place, it was you. This wasn’t your house. You had no wifi or reception. And, Roger Taylor, looking as he did circa 1972, was right in front of you. Had you time travelled? Your head span at the possibility. What else could explain these strange occurrences?

“What year is it?” you asked, this time properly meeting his eyes this time. Photos didn’t do the real thing justice; his baby blue eyes were maintaining steady eye contact with you, his lips were slightly parted, and his hair looked so soft and angelic. He was insanely beautiful. You internally cursed yourself. Now was definitely not the time.

“1972…” he said, becoming even more confused. Your theory was confirmed. You’d watched all of the Back to the Future movies countless times, but you’d never imagined anything like that could ever really happen. Especially to you; plain, boring, old you.

“I know you’re probably not inclined to believe the crazy girl from your wardrobe, but I think,” you bit your lip, concerned at how he would take the news. “I think I’m from the future.”

----------

“So, you’re telling me you didn’t do anything for this to actually happen?” Roger asked. After trying to explain to him a million times, that yes, you were in fact just as confused as him, and no, you didn’t climb through his window, you tried to remain patient. He had every right to be confused as hell, you would definitely react the same if you were in his shoes. Despite this though, he was oddly trusting, allowing you to remain in his house and actually giving you the time of day to explain your side of the story. He even offered you a glass of water and something to eat, which you accepted gratefully. You were starving.

“Yes, I was literally just in my wardrobe, then the next thing I knew we were screaming in each other’s faces.”

“How do I know you’re telling the truth? You don’t seem very sane so far. I’m going to need some proof. You could just be a crazy girl who will do anything to sleep with me,” he smirked. You rolled your eyes. So the stories were true, he really was cocky.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Taylor,” you retorted. “And no,” you said quickly, as he opened his mouth to speak, “I don’t know your surname because I’m a crazy stalker.” Your mind wandered to your extensive Queen record and CD collection. Okay, so maybe you were a little, but he didn’t need to know that.

“I know because Queen makes it big. I mean, massive.” You bit your lip nervously. If Back to the Future taught you anything, nobody should know too much about their own future. For the first time in your life, you had to think about what you said before you said it.

“How can I convince you?” you asked.

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “What year do you claim to come from, anyway?”

“2019,” you bit your lip.

His eyes widened in disbelief. “Shit,” he mumbled. “Am I….?”

“Still alive? Yeah.” Suddenly, you had an idea. You pulled your phone out of your pocket, thankful it was still charged. You turned it on, the time and date you had left still displayed on the screen (18th January 2019, 11:00), in front of a picture of Queen from 1975. You turned the screen towards him.

“Holy shit, is that me?” he gasped, leaning forward. “2019.” He looked up at you, and you shrugged and nodded. You were thankful he didn’t know the implications of having a picture of somebody as your lockscreen.

“There’s something else,” you unlocked your phone, opening music and searching for ‘Doing Alright.’ You pressed play, the song pouring out of the speakers.

Yesterday, my life was in ruin

Now today, I know what I’m doing…

“Oh my god, that’s our song! We haven’t even released it yet.” He chuckled. You couldn’t help but grin at his excitement, encapsulated by his gorgeous smile.

“Wanna hear more?” you smirked. It’s funny, you had never felt so comfortable around somebody so quickly. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but something about him relaxed you.

----------

“Have you noticed I haven’t asked about that thing you’re holding, ‘cause I’m too scared to?”

You laughed, covering your mouth with your hand. You’d spent the last half an hour playing Roger a few more Queen songs. A small nagging voice in the back of your mind was telling you to stop, to not reveal anything about his future, no matter how small. But Roger’s pleading to hear more won.

“It’s actually a phone,” you said, to answer his question. “Well, that’s its main purpose anyway. You can use it to take and store pictures, play music, and use the internet. Which, well, you’ll find out about in approximately 18 years.”

“I’m intrigued, what’s the internet?” he asked. You thought of all the unspeakable things you had come across on social media, and shook your head.“You don’t want to know.” He raised an eyebrow at you, and you tried to suppress a blush.

You cleared your throat, averting your eyes from him as you straightened up in your seat. “What’s the time?” you asked. He glanced down at his watch. “3am,” he laughed in disbelief. “We should probably get some sleep. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

You shook your head rapidly, taken aback by his utter kindness. “Oh my god no, please, I will. It’s your house,” you said, getting up from the chair you were sitting on. He did the same. You both stood awkwardly, basically staring at each other. You couldn’t help but think of the times you watched a Queen documentary on TV, with the Roger of your time’s commentary. It was hard to believe the man in front of you was the same person.

He cleared his throat, tearing his eyes off you, and going into his bedroom, mumbling something about getting something for you to sleep in.

As you awaited his return, you couldn’t help but wonder why you were so focused on how flustered you were around Roger, and not worried about the fact that you were literally stuck in the wrong year, and had no idea how to get back. The funny thing was, you had no desire to. You hadn’t felt so at home in a long time, than when you were laughing and talking with Roger. He made you feel so safe, so quickly. And that feeling would only grow stronger when you both gave up on convincing the other to sleep on the couch, and ended up sharing his bed.

PART 2: BONUS CONTENT THAT I WROTE THE SAME DAY AS PART ONE. I’M NOT GOING TO CONTINUE IT BUT WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING IT IN A WORD DOC N NOT POSTING IT?

When I was writing this, I couldn’t stop imagining rom-com moments. Like, the outfit section? A cute montage with a cute song. Damn I wish I could express the images in my head more clearly, in words. My writing sucks.

“Y/N, wake up. Y/N!!” A familiar, yet foreign, voice startled you. As you came to your senses, you realised your usual soft, silky sheets were replaced with cotton ones, and an unusual smell wafted around you. You slowly opened your eyes, to be greeted by Roger leaning over you, a slightly annoyed look on his face. Fuck. It was real. He must’ve read your disappointment on your face, and he smiled sympathetically and nodded.

“Yep, you’re still here,” he mumbled. You couldn’t help but sigh; you’d hoped it was a really long, unusual dream.

“I have to go to rehearsal for a gig tonight. Do you wanna come?” Of course you didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to meet the rest of the band, and literally see the magic happen, you couldn’t help but feel like you were invading. But then again, who could say they had the chance to sit in on an early Queen rehearsal, especially knowing how successful and impactful they were going to become?

“I don’t – I don’t want to intrude,” you mumbled, sitting up in the bed and clutching the duvet around you, suddenly feeling exposed in Roger’s white shirt.

“Well it’s your choice, I understand that you probably don’t want to sit around with us when you could be finding a way back home or finding your parents or something,” he said.

Although you would never admit it, you wanted nothing more than to go with him. Not only was it literally history in the making, but the absence of your birth parents in your life, leading to a childhood of foster families who couldn’t care less about you, gave you a sense of independence at a young age. You knew how to be alone, seeking solace in music. Music created by the greats like Queen made you feel less alone, as silly as it sounded. It was your escape from the struggles in your real life.

“Wait, no. I want to come. If you don’t mind. But I need something 70s appropriate to wear,” you chuckled, glancing over at your high-waisted skinny jeans and cropped knit jumper folded neatly on a chair.

“I think that can be arranged.” Roger grinned at you, and you were struck with yet another wave of disbelief. Roger Taylor was going to lend you come of his iconic clothes.

After spending a couple of hours going through Roger’s clothes, which was your absolute dream, you finally settled on a pair of pants that were a little too short, and a shirt that was slightly too tight across the chest. You tried to spice up the outfit with a few of Roger’s necklaces, much to his dismay.

“Do I look okay?” you asked when you stepped out, twirling around with your arms out.

Roger, standing with a pile of clothes in his arms that you had rejected, furrowed his brows and looked you up and down. You couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at the sight; he was taking his job as your stylist very seriously.

“You’ll almost fit in,” he said, “although, the shirt is too tight,” he finished bluntly, gesturing to your chest. You folded your arms instinctively.

“Don’t worry, I won’t look at your boobs.” You frowned at this. Was that meant to make you feel better? Why did you feel slightly disappointed?

“Um, thanks?” you scoffed. “What should I do with my hair?” you tugged on each of your French braids. Roger walked towards you without warning, and pulled out your hair ties, running his fingers through your hair.

“Just leave it loose.” He said hoarsely, his face dangerously close to yours. Your heart was beating rapidly, and you couldn’t take your eyes off him. He was biting his lip in concentration, his eyes squinting as he adjusted your hair. It took everything in you to not lean into his touch; his fingers were so delicate. As he pushed a strand of hair out of your face, his eyes met yours.

“Perfect,” he almost whispered, his breath sending shivers down your spine. You knew you should pull away. You knew this would get way too complicated. Your rationality was telling you to snap out of it. But as his hands smoothly came to rest around your neck, bringing you closer, something else entirely was driving your actions. Just as you began to lean in, he pulled away, clearing his throat loudly.

“Let me get you a coat,” he said, quickly rushing away from you. You bit your lip, cheeks flaming. You were humiliated. What were you thinking, trying to kiss him? He obviously wasn’t attracted to you; the weird, pathetic crazy time-traveller. You didn’t even belong here anyway, how could you possibly think he would want you? Your eyes began to well up, you just had to get out of there.

As you quickly began to gather your clothes and phone, furiously wiping the tears from your eyes, Roger returned with a fur coat in his arms.

“Here, this should fit – wait, what’s wrong?” he asked, realising your state.

“I’m just gonna go. I’m so sorry to have invaded your life like this, you shouldn’t have to deal with my weird ass problems. Thank you for everything. It was nice meeting you, I guess. I’ll never forget you,” you rambled, becoming increasingly embarrassed, trying to walk past him. He gently placed his hands on your upper arms, turning you to face him.

“Hey, hey, I don’t have to help you, okay? I want to. If you’ll let me.” he said, a surprisingly vulnerable look on his face.

“But, I’m burdening you too much! You can’t have me holding you back from living your normal life. You don’t want me clinging to your side like some kind of….” You paused, struggling to find the right words in your frazzled state. “Some kind of leech. I mean, I’m just annoying. For God’s sake, we have nothing in common! I’m technically young enough to be your daughter!”

Roger laughed softly. “Okay, first of all, you’re not a leech. And yes, it’s weird that you’re from the future, and I’ll probably never wrap my head around it, but so what? We shouldn’t get along, but we do.” You hoped he couldn’t notice your blush at this.

“And, lastly,” he said, a cheeky smirk on his face, “the thought of you being my daughter is gross, but me being your daddy on the other hand…”

“Oh my god, Roger! No!” you couldn’t help but laugh, as you rapidly shook your head. You couldn’t tell if he was joking or not; you secretly hoped he wasn’t.

“So, do you still wanna come to rehearsal?” he asked, all joking aside.

You sighed, hoping you weren’t being a burden. “Okay, give me that then,” you grabbed the coat off him, pulling it on.

“Do I look normal?” you asked.

“No,” he smirked, and you raised your eyebrows at him. “In a good way, though. Come on,” he said, grabbing your hand. You tried to ignore the jolts of electricity you felt from this sweet gesture. You never thought simply holding hands with someone would give you so many butterflies.

#roger taylor x reader #roger taylor #queen #queen band #ben hardy #ben hardy x reader #brian may #freddie mercury #john deacon #queen imagine #fanfic #queen fanfic

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saints-row-2 · 6 years

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film watch day 31: Every Halloween Film

happy Halloween today i watched every Halloween film currently available to me. i couldnt get to rewatch Halloween 2018 but i already wrote about it a couple of weeks back so feel free to revisit that post. anyway, i watched ten Halloween movies today. It took around 17 hours. i started at 11:15am and im writing this now at 6 am.

so lets get to the post. for the most part i went in chronological order, except i chose to start with Rob Zombie’s remakes because i knew if i didnt id be finishing the day by watching them at the break of dawn and the idea of doing that was so fucking putrid to me that i decided to get them out of the way first.

Halloween (2007)

i hate this fucking movie. i mentioned in an ask the other day but im happy to repeat here, i dont hate the idea of expanding on Michael’s backstory. like the fact is we largely know his backstory, the issue is how this film chose to portray it. the original Halloween is frightening because its based around the idea that the seemingly safe, quiet suburbs are not as safe as they seem; you can be on a street youve known your entire life, only a few metres from your own home, and still at risk. the whole idea of showing Michael as a murderer when he was six is to tell us that anyone could be a threat, that our conventions that all killers are a particular kind of person is false.

Halloween 2007 says fuck that, we know what serial killers are, and theyre those poor kids who come from shitty neighbourhoods and have abusive parents and mothers who are sex workers. everything that Halloween brings to the table is fucking tedious, played out, and massively uninspired. it wants to bring us the truth about why Michael is like he is, but Rob Zombie’s only understanding of serial killers is in the cliche and exploitative. he has nothing honest about human nature to show us, only the exact same stories that have been fed to us by crime and horror movies past.

this film is incredibly loud and in fucking constant motion. even on steady shots of still scenes the camera constantly shakes, and in every other scene its always whirling around from tracking shot to panning over the scene to just idly zooming in and out of nothing. Zombie’s favourite shot is to have something large and out of focus in the foreground -- like some plants -- and to shoot the characters standing about six feet away muttering to themselves. every single fucking shot in this movie lingers too long, every scene drags a little longer than it needs to. this film moves with the pace that i would describe as “family guy gag”.

and this film is so loud. people are always talking or screaming, largely about nothing important or interesting. theres always music, but it never particularly adds anything; for reasons i fail to fucking understand the entirety of the original theme plays over mostly uninteresting tracking shots of a minor character walking around yelling filler lines about nothing.

the writing is horseshit. everyone in this film is vile, no one talks or behaves like real human beings. almost every exchange in this movie is the characters saying the exact same thing back and forth inanely, frequently punctuated by screaming FUCK as loudly as possible and talking about sex in a way that 40 year old men really really wished teenage girls talk about sex. Halloween (2007) is thoughtlessly gross and mean and nasty, disconnected from any kind of human sensitivity and empathy. it wants to be complicated and to be deep but its crushingly simplistic and stupid. the only thing that redeems it is that its not Halloween II (2009). speaking of which...

Halloween II (2009)

jesus christ this movie is so fucking boring. Halloween II is two hours long but feels like its about twenty hours long. i felt like i was watching this film for twenty days and twenty nights. i was trapped in an eternal purgatory with this movie.

i really cant fucking emphasise how boring this film is. endless scene after scene of nothing of consequence happening, uninteresting death scenes that add nothing, and Michael wandering around doing jack shit. Halloween II fucking made Michael Myers boring, and im saying this as someone who (as i repeat once every 8 seconds) has a tattoo of him. this film couldnt hold MY interest in two of my favourite characters of all time.

the big fun new addition from the first movie is the presence of Michael and Laurie’s mother as a kind of weird goth ghost guiding Michael to kill. i dont know why Michael had to be Jason Voorhees and be a mommy’s boy all of a sudden, but this addition brings absolutely nothing of interest to the film or to his character. its meant to be symbolic of fucking... something im sure, but it feels meaningless. somehow Michael and Laurie are both able to see and interact with this ghost and the ghost has an agenda to do... something? it feels about as intelligent and coherent as the bullshit cult of thorne shit from 6, but a lot less fun. at some point Michael Myers apparently has mind control powers?

not to repeat myself a hundred fucking times but this film is insanely unpleasant to watch. every scene someone is screaming, generally wailing “fuck you bitch” at anyone in their vicinity. this is two hours of people howling swear words at each other and not infrequently making rape jokes. Rob Zombie loves rape jokes! almost as much as he loves putting sexual assault in his movies over and over again for no reason.

there is nothing to enjoy in this film. theres nothing to gain. there is too much slow-mo and far too many strobe lights and absolutely nothing of any intelligence or grace. Halloween II is a thirteen year old boy in a korn T-shirt calling his mom a bitch while he draws zombies on the back of his homework, which he will get an F for because the only thing he wrote was “reading is for faggots”.

Halloween (1978)

what the fuck can i say. this is one of the greatest horror movies ever made, if not the greatest. its one of my favourite movies. its forty years old and still just as chilling and frightening as it ever was. it has some shot composition and cinematography thats up with the best ive ever seen, all while being shot on a budget of $300,000. it does more with less than just about any film, launched the slasher genre, shot Jamie Lee Curtis to stardom and created a pop culture icon that stayed strong for decades. its a masterclass in tension and suspense, a lean-cut perfectly paced film with heaps of atmosphere and character.

i love this film with a frantic passion that makes me unable to talk about it in a particularly helpful way. i cant “review” Halloween. I love this film beyond reason and sense and you either get it or you dont.

Halloween II (1981)

Halloween II is largely one of the less remembered entries in the franchise; its a decent enough movie, neither matching up to the highs of the original or the lows of the later films. its a pretty enjoyable little film, created under the logic of ‘well the first one did well, lets do the same thing again’. Carpenter wrote the script but didn’t direct, and while the film has a solid story, the directing lacks his signature flair. its hard to pinpoint, because the film is generally fairly well-shot, but lacks a kind of eye for shot composition that Carpenter made look easy, doesnt have as much patience for suspense.

on its own merits, theres still some great shots and great scenes in the movie. and a lot of really cool kills; II got a lot more creative with what Michael was capable of, and i think the boiling water drowning kill is rightfully pretty infamous.

this was the last Halloween movie Carpenter wrote, and it was the film where the idea of Laurie and Michael being siblings was introduced. and believe me ill defend this fucking decision to the grave. adding the human connection between Michael and Laurie gives a whole other layer to their relationship thats so fascinating to me, and i love that other films try to expand on the themes of family. in general, deciding that this film would continue to focus on Laurie and not do what later slashers did with bouncing around between different casts was a great fucking move, ironically for a franchise that was intended to be an anthology.

quietly exploring the aftermath of the first film was a good idea for a follow-up, and i especially really enjoy Loomis’ role in this movie, and his discussion about who Myers is. the biggest disappointment for me personally is that Laurie lacks a lot of presence in this film. Curtis is great, as always, but the movie dawdles on some side characters who are too disconnected from her to get a sense of what shes going through.

all that being said, Halloween II is decent. the ending is really great, with some really powerful shots. Michael bleeding from the eyes of his mask after Laurie shoots him is one of the best fucking images in horror and him swinging blindly as Laurie and Loomis slowly orchestrate his death is a fucking amazing scene. i have an immense fondness for this movie, with all its flaws. it brings a lot of really cool concepts to the table, and i think it deserves some appreciation.

heres a question tho; where the fuck were Laurie’s parents. theres a suggestion theyre missing, but theres no explanation why and we never hear from them. did michael kill them too? hello? mr and mrs strode? your daughter just fucking killed a guy and all her friends are dead. where the fuck are you.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III is infamous as being the Halloween movie that isn’t about Michael Myers at all. when it first released it was wildly unpopular and remained so for quite a while, but has had a surge in popularity over the last few years. i think just about every horror critic i know now considers Halloween III one of the best in the franchise. and to be fair to it, its a great little movie. not a slasher at all but rather a conspiracy thriller, Halloween III is all about the mystery of what the Silver Shamrock mask-making company are really up to, and why people are disappearing. its a weird and creative little movie, with some really fucking great practical effects that turn it from just being a thriller to being an all-out horror film. it has a few too many ineffective jumpscares and some of the plot twists are kind of disappointing and feel a little too much like the easy option -- and then others are so wildly bizarre no one would see them coming because theyre fucking completely out there. but i kind of love that sort of nonsense in a horror movie. like lets just have a fucking good time in here for once in our fucking lives.

Halloween III is not a perfect or even a really great movie, but yknow, fuck it. the idea that only perfect films are worth watching is dumb. i appreciate the weird shit this film tried and i think it deserves a lot more respect than what it got; if it had been released under another title it probably would have gone down as a classic instead of being derided for years, you ask me.

now things start going rapidly downhill

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Halloween 4 is when Jamie is introduced as the new final girl; Laurie’s seven year old daughter, after Laurie herself died off-screen in a fucking car crash. the decision to kill off Laurie came from Jamie Lee Curtis decided not to return to the character and instead of recasting her, they went with just having her… die. off-screen. in the franchise where the previous two movies were about her triumph and determination to stay alive. like its the casual thoughtlessness of this that, the idea no one would give a shit a character returned, that in my eyes epitomises how fucking little anyone cared about this franchise going forward.

man the idea of Laurie dying completely irrelevant to Michael… thats a lot. anyway continuing on his quest to erase anyone related to him, Michael starts targeting his niece Jamie for the three movies in the franchise. this is where the series started rapidly losing any grip on reality. while Michael always had some kind of superhuman elements to him (he took six bullets to the chest and survived in the first movie) these became increasingly wildly exaggerated. now hes crushing peoples skulls with his bare hands shit like what the fuck. first of all do that to me and secondly, it was this kind of slide into unreality that let the supernatural elements of the series creep in further until you end up with the shitshow that is Halloween 6. like it was the decrease in the impact of violence and human life that really fucked this franchise over.

this film is not great. its a definite decline in quality after 2 and was on the slippery slope downwards. it has some high points, primarily in Dr Loomis. Donald Pleasance is a better actor than most movies deserve and brings gravitas to a role that in the hands of a less capable actor would be laughable. his sincere plea to Michael at one point to just kill him instead of going after Jamie is honestly fucking tragic.

outside of that, the film isnt massively interesting. Michael himself isnt particularly threatening or engaging, and his mask looks like shit in this film. the characters in this film are largely very stupid, also, which doesnt help anything much.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

if theres a Halloween movie people talk about the least, its this one. II has the sibling twist, III is the black sheep, 4 is the return, even 6 gets talked about for its troubled production history. no one has anything to say about Halloween 5. and thats mostly because there is fucking nothing to say about Halloween 5. it is a relentlessly fucking dull movie that pads out its 100 minute run time with endless unnecessary scenes of shit that does… nothing. this film is dull in a way that i find incredibly detestable. i cant even watch it through a haze of impassioned anger like i can with the also incredible dull Halloween II (2009). its just fucking boring. every single scene drags like its trying to walk on two broken legs. the plot is so bare bones its nonsensical. it constantly adds new characters and new elements but all that does is makes it more incoherent and confusing. watching this movie i literally found my fucking eyes glazing over in my skull. if this film was edited correctly it would be twenty minutes long. i cannot fucking emphasise enough how much of relentless slog it is. Halloween 4 was dull but even that had the lifeline of ‘some cool ideas’. Halloween 5 is nothing. Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water.

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

if Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water Halloween 6 is just a fresh hot glass of piss. there are two versions of Halloween 6, the director’s cut and the theatrical release, and both are wretched. this film went full ham with introducing the supernatural elements, telling us that Michael was his whole life psychically controlled by a pagan cult called the Cult of Thorne in order to make Halloween scary again or summon the devil or who fucking cares. this movie is fucking insufferably dull, totally absurd, and wildly unsympathetic. i loathe Halloween 6 and every terrible, stupid plot decision it makes. Paul Rudd defeats Michael Myers by drawing druid symbols on the ground and Michael just gives up and lies down. theres a baby that does nothing and serves no purpose. Halloween is apparently banned in Haddonfield, which makes this more closely related to Footloose than Halloween i think. this film takes itself incredibly seriously while spouting nothing but total fucking bullshit drivel and i dont believe that anyone involved in this movie, from the cast to the cameraman to the guy who served the lunch had any faith in this movie outside of the vague hope it might make money and i wish this movie had been burned at the stake. also i hate Paul Rudd.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

oh thank fucking god finally some good fucking food. Halloween H20 took the decision to retcon all the sequels (except II) twenty years before Halloween 2018, proving that everyone knew 5 and 6 were fucking mistakes.

this film loses a lot of the Halloween feeling in favour of making a more generic late 1990s/early 2000s style horror. theres nothing particularly interesting about the way this movie is directed or shot, the music is largely very generic, it has a generally uninteresting glossy quality to it that studio movies always do. its very obvious this movie was inspired by Scream and it looks a lot more like Scream than it does Halloween. all of this makes me kind of sad, but other films in the franchise have proved that other directors generally are not capable of imitating Carpenter’s style so maybe its better they dont really try.

what H20 does so well, and the reason i love it so much, is that it explores the relationship between Michael and Laurie, which is something im endlessly fascinated with. this was the first movie to have Laurie shake off her fear and rise up against Michael, and while it doesnt do it with quite as much depth and intelligence as Halloween 2018, it still has a fucking good crack at Laurie’s character, and its still powerful watching her turn on the man who terrorised her for years. Michael is great in this movie too; while he has a terrible mask, watching him back on his shit as a furious force of nature who wants nothing more than to destroy anyone who gets in his way.

honestly i kind of enjoy having a Halloween in a different style; theres something fun about seeing characters recontextualised and done with justice and empathy. most of the Halloween sequels before this one (and after, looking at Resurrection) are shallow, unconcerned with any kind of emotional depth or personality. and while a lot of the stock filler characters in H20 who are lined up for the chopping block arent that interesting and dont particularly standout, watching Jamie Lee Curtis’ performance and seeing her interplay with Michael is enough. and most of the side characters arent particularly annoying, which is more than i can say for half this franchise.

this film also has what is one of my absolute favourite endings in a movie ever; the final confrontation between Michael and Laurie has a particular interaction between them that i absolutely adore and that alone is enough to make this movie one of my favourites.

H20 isnt perfect; it weirdly feels like a blueprint that Halloween 2018 would later refine into a better movie, but the idea its going to be completely disregarded for Halloween 2018 in the future makes me a little sad. in the face of so many fucking mediocre and awful Halloween sequels it did the right thing in trying to focus on what actually mattered; the connection between Michael and Laurie, although i dont feel like it succeeded in making Michael as scary as 2018 would much later. that said, the shot where Michael and Laurie just stare at each other through the glass of a window? that gives me chills every time. and hearing the Halloween theme kick in as Laurie marches off into the school with an axe looking for Michael is so fucking triumphant.

i love H20 even if Michael’s mask looks like his hair was dunked in a bucket of water and then gently blow-dried. i have no idea why it looks so fucking stupid in this movie. why is it so hard to get Michael’s mask right. you wouldnt think it was that fucking hard. anyway, i really fucking love Laurie Strode a lot, which didnt help to make Resurrection any easier to swallow.

Halloween: Resurrection

so whats the obvious thing to do after you have a movie where the power and emotion all comes from the emotional catharsis of seeing a woman get her vengeance on her tormentor? you, uh, make a sequel in which she is immediately defeated and pointlessly killed after its revealed her victory at the end of the previous film was entirely false, and then you never return to focus on her and instead introduce a horde of entirely uninteresting stock characters. yeah, makes sense.

Resurrection is fucking incredibly stupid, in the kind of fucking hysterical way only really bad horror movies can capture. theres absolutely nothing of Halloween in this other than the presence of Michael, who just as easily could have been replaced with anyone or anything. the story has a group of people on a reality show staying in the Myers house to… stay there? its not entirely clear what the challenge is meant to be, other than to just be inside the house, which i imagine gets to be pretty dull viewing pretty quickly. theres no suggestion theyre like, hunting for ghosts or something along those lines, theyre just… looking at stuff.

Michael slopes around this movie like he doesnt fucking understand where he is or whats going on, an entirely out of place relic of better times past while the cast cavorts around him doing nothing of interest and having no plots or characterisation to speak of. the film has exactly two or three funny moments, including the legendary ‘Michael Myers getting electrocuted in the dick by Busta Rhymes’, but youre way, way better off just looking that up on youtube instead of watching this movie. there is an hour of pointless plot development about characters no one cares about until Michael starts fucking killing people. this movie shouldnt exist and we should all go back to pretending it doesnt.

and thats it. thats all the halloween films. i can die now.

#rantsfilmwatch #this is around 4000 words long so yknow consider yourself warned

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