#ive never had a partner which doesnt help

[cripplecharacters]

I have two disabled characters who are in a relationship. One uses a wheelchair and has double LLA (one above one below knee), whike the other is generally mobile and doesnt use any aids. Theyve been in a relationship for years, but mostly online rather than in person (the story takes place in person). Should I have them have a consent and boundaries (e.g. you can lift me but only if I ask or if i'm already using you to pull myself up, you may offer to help me move over difficult terrain but what path we take is my decision, im okay with you touching my nubs if you tell me youre gonna do it and wait for confirmation beforehand) talk 'on screen' or should it have happened earlier in/at the beginning of the relationship and be referenced to?

Sorry if this is confusing. I am disabled, so I have had to have these talks before, but I dont use a wheelchair and ive never been in a largely online relationship where physical stuff isnt relevant.

Hello!

This is a similar situation/dynamic to my boyfriend and I. Though we're not in an online relationship, we are long distance and most of our day-to-day interactions take place through texting or social media. Both of us are disabled but at different "levels" (So to speak).

While we have several disabilities in common (Autism, Tourette's, ADHD, etc.), the main difference is our levels in physical disability. He is paralyzed and uses a wheelchair full time. I have an undiagnosed disability that causes me chronic pain/limited mobility and use a cane and other mobility aids.

Above all else, though, we're both two separate people. We have different histories, opinions, and experiences. Most of our discussions about boundaries have actually been about language. While I reclaim the term "cripple" for myself to a degree, he doesn't. On the other hand, he prefers to be called "somebody with autism" while I prefer the term "autistic person".

These seem like small things to worry about but they're fairly important, both to our identity and our relationship. We have a sort of compromise in our relationship. I haven't changed my language entirely and neither has he, but we've both adjusted it. He uses the language he's comfortable with for himself, I use the language I'm comfortable with for myself. We generally stick to neutral language when speaking generally.

I mentioned that this is the only real discussion we've had about boundaries. The rest of it has happened more over time, usually in the form of correcting one another or elaborating on our needs and preferences.

Like with consent, it shouldn't just be one conversation. It's constantly evolving.

In your story, it may be best to show that. If you leave it as something that happens offscreen, it may be looked over. If you have a big conversation happen onscreen, it could undercut the seriousness of their relationship or come across as clunky.

Having this discussion be an ever-evolving series of small conversations instead can make it seem more natural and also help show how somebody's needs and preferences can change over time.

If you do want a conversation/discussion to happen that's specifically relevant to their online relationship, it could involve their boundaries and preferences around things such as language (What terms to use, which ones to avoid, etc.), photos/videos (Whether they can be shared, whether they can be requested, what parts of themself will be in them, etc.), talking about them to others (How much information they can give others about their partner's disability, etc.), etc.

The big thing with boundaries is that it's not a "one size fits all" thing. Somebody's boundaries will constantly be changing and shifting depending on the situation, the day, or even just their current mood.

At least for my boyfriend and I, the biggest thing is communication. There will be times where I notice he's struggling and will ask if he wants me to push him for a bit. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. But even if he's okay being pushed by me, I would never just randomly start pushing him without his consent.

With your characters, this could look something like one character asking the other if they need help doing something (Ex: "Do you want me to grab that for you?"). It could also look like one character correcting the other on language for themself (Ex: One character says, "This is my girlfriend, she's autistic." The other says, "Actually, I prefer being called a person with autism."). The character could explain why that is (Ex: "I was called autistic a lot as an insult and don't want to use that language for myself now.") or they can just leave it as is and let their preference be known.

As with any relationship, navigating consent can be a bit awkward at the beginning -- especially if this is your characters first time meeting in person. It's normal for them to stumble a bit and for there to be misunderstandings. For example, maybe one character accepts the other's offer of help but they have two different definitions of what "help" means in that context.

Of course, the nature of the conversation will differ depending on when they're having it. If it's happening during the online part of their relationship, it likely won't focus as much on physical things (When to help them, for example) and will instead focus on some of the other points such as language and discussing their disability with other people.

The last thing to keep in mind is that the process of discussing consent and boundaries looks different for everyone. The information I'm sharing is just my perspective on the matter. You'll have a different one, as will your disabled readers.

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

[s0apmactav1sh]

Alex keller headcanons cuz hes still my husband and ive not focused enough on him because of my dedication to my other fics

I should be sleeping. I need a better sleep schedule

Cw: smut, male directed but can be read as nb no use of yn. These are just my headcanons for alex, i apologise if they arent in line with the actual game/game play i havent played it in a while

SFW <3

I full heartedly believe he grew up with siblings and was the oldest. I feel he was the "im player 1 bcuz im the oldest" type sibling but he still loved playing with his younger brothers/sisters. I feel he most likely had two younger sisters and was constantly hovering whenever they brought home guys or girls.

He was a sporty child, football? Yup, baseball? Yup, basketball? Sure why not. Anything that required him to be fully hands on he did. I think he was constantly on the move with training nearly every day of the week which he always attended no matter what.

Didnt have a girlfriend till his senior year of high school cuz he was completely oblivious to the girls who swooned over him. A complete gentleman and had great manners cuz his mama didnt raise no slob.

Only started experimenting with men in college but even then he was reluctant to try with the same sex bcuz he wasnt sure if it was ok to feel that way. Questioned his sexuality a lot when going through his phase of having one night stands with men

Joined the army to be 'helpful' he had the mindset that he wasnt being helpful sitting in his apartment doing nothing after finishing college. Fully enjoyed the training and everything. Put him into a routine that reminded him of his years of sports

Looks up to farah completely. No matter what he respects her entirely and sees her as the commander over there team.

Prefers a partner that isnt in the military, he'd rather come home to them and drop work off at the door. Hes a work stays at work typa guy and never drags things back, even if something goes bad he doesnt make it an entire personality afterwards for his partner to deal with.

NSFW <3

A raging bisexual but leans more towards men. Defo prefers to be the bottom rather than top mostly because hes so use to having a constant lifestyle so he'd rather be able to lay on his stomach taking it and being treated like a pillow prince that he is.

Loves recieving. Whether it be head or being eaten out he loves it. He's still a giver like will 100% return the favour to his partner if they want but if his partner is more into given well then he has no problem allowing them to do whatever.

Likes toys. Like the ones where his partner can control it, turning it up or down while its inside him. If is partner is male he defo has a custome dildo in the shape of there dick. Just for when hes on base and they arent there.

PHONE SEX!!!! do it with this man and hes folding. Absolutely adores it when hes being told what to do and how to do it. Makes it even better when his partner is on facetime with him and they can see what hes trying to do and they correct it if hes doing it wrong/about to hurt himself.

Eye contact. And a lot of it. Love just lovingly looking at his partner while theyre fucking the life out of him <3 even if there eyes are squeezed shut he still finds his eyes trailing over there facial features. Just completely adores the look as they pleasure him and themselves.

A proud moaner. Man will moan no matter what he has so many sensitive spots and with an attentive partner theres not a chance he stands that he can be quiet but it makes things seem even sweeter bcuz he voices his pleasure so much during the act.

That is it. Ill make another one for king!price later and part 2 to my fic coming out when i wake up

[locallygrowndaikon]

Hi!! How do you meet and make genuine friends on Sky? I’ve been playing for a few years now, but whenever I get a chance to chat with other players they either speak a different language or ask me a bunch of personal questions 😵‍💫. There seems to be so many funny and interesting people online but I never meet them in person!

I had to think about this one for a bit since im not good at making friends either JGGHFJ

I think it’s definitely easier to find people to connect with online rather than in game. A lot of the people I’m closer with in sky are usually people I find through online platforms rather than in game (though not saying its impossible to find good ingame friends, just might be harder) . A general thing would be to find those who have similar interests or humour, and as well as to spend time with the friends every once in a while, whether it be candlerunning or just hanging out to talk.

If you want a more in depth rambling of me going on about everything I know about making friends, then:

Ok well this is kinda for anyone reading this JGHJDJ

A general thing about friends is to find a common interest to talk about like OCs, art, sky in general, other games, anything basically, especially if you’re like me and bad at conversations. Even after you find the initial spark, it can get hard to keep up with regular conversations afterwards and it’s easy to drift apart. If you want to get closer with someone it’s definitely good to start conversations every once in a while. This can go from telling them things you think will be funny or showing them things to just things about your day. A lot of people appreciate this kind of thing and usually get comfortable to reciprocate it (unless you’re like me and really bad at stating conversations HFBSIC)

In sky, this can also be asking the other if they want to cr together or eden, even oobing if you’re into that. It gives the chance to hang out and talk to each other.

Of course, if the other person doesn’t respond with a lot of enthusiasm or doesnt seem to put effort into the friendship, it might be time to back off to give them space. They could either be tired and need a break or they arent interested in the friendship anymore. An exception would be if the person is already socially awkward or isn’t good at starting conversations. It can be hard to tell sometimes.

If you wanna find friends

For finding friends online, its usually finding a community and finding people within it or becoming a part of the community. if you’re social enough you can join discord servers and talk to people. Even if you arent as social, discord server can still help find people to interact with, like cr partners, heart trade, needing help people/finding help, that could lead to friendship. There’s also being on social media, though it might be harder if you dont post things or if you arent really noticed or something, though it’s not like you need to be famous to be able to find people. You can also find others on social media who are already asking for friends. Ive seen quite a few on tumblr and sometimes on other platforms where people asks if anyone wants to be sky friends. Twitch, the streaming platform yeah, also has quite a few sky creators that are willing to friend pretty much anyone, which could be another way to find a community (since quite a few people on sky twitch know each other).

For in game in sky: Moths are definitely easier to become friends with since you know guiding them and everything and watching them grow up, except moths are wild cards and some are euaheh weird and others never show up again. A lot of older players already have their own friends and friend groups and then other people play inconsistently or have different timezones/playtimes, so theres a lot more luck when making friends on sky. Best bet would just be keep talking to people and when you do find someone you bond with, continue to join and check in on them every once in a while to keep up the friendship.

Joining friends in game can be scary for many (me included), but it usually ends up not as bad as you think, of course respecting dnd spells (or cape codes if they have those). Even if you do join at an inconvenient time, its a simple “oh, sorry/mb” and you head out, leaving minimal damage and awkwardness.

Of course since this is the internet and people can be bad, if people cross boundaries even after being warned once or multiple times, or you just dont enjoy hanging out with, its okay to block and cut people off. No one is obligated to hang out with anyone nor responsible for the happiness of someone else. Having self worth and internet safety is important folks

Anyways people are complicated and theres a lot of ifs and possibilities and other stuff what not so take whatever advice i spit out mindlessly for granted JFHDO i dont know what im doing

[florenceisfalling]

just a disclaimer regarding a recent barrage of false accusations with me bc ive decided im tired of not defending myself

my ex has posted a lot of things, these are the ones i can remember (me looking at her blog is bad for the both of us, so im not going to check if i missed anything)

i did not have sex with anybody else

i also did not kiss anybody else, or anything she could have been implying re: any "risk" of illness

i did not get into an argument with her that led to her hospitalization. when speaking to her other partner (the one she called X), she stated that she JUST had a nightmare.

she did not actually attempt, and was not in any physical danger after a small injury; she went to work the next day and didn't get hospitalized until after she talked to an authority about how she worried she MIGHT hurt herself worse. <- not downplaying what actually happened, it was really tough, but she is lying about it

X did not tell her "some" of the truth. they told her everything, and she agreed for months before now.

i did not quote her "asking [me] to stop cheating" as an "unfair request". i quoted her referring to me as the dehumanizing phrase "public property," which was said to me when i was not doing anything romantic or sexual with other people. this was in a song that spoke of her positively, which she openly admitted to misunderstanding once i explained it to her.

i do not owe her money. i offered some to be helpful while we were still aiming for friendship, and i was begging her not to take anything out on X, but she is now calling my loved ones to try to convince them that i have some actual debt to her. X ALSO doesnt owe her money for the trip, because she promised repeatedly while planning process that they would not have to pay her back if they broke up/things went wrong

i did not post anyone in a romantic context other than her. she was told that i did by someone who tried to convince her to cheat on me last year. additionally, when asked to take down the posts, i did, even though they were my friends just doing school stuff

i also did not plan the road trip the way she talks about it. i wanted to visit her as a priority and also visit at least 5 of my friends as a little buddy trip. this didn't actually happen, i just visited her.

once again reiterating: i did not have sex with anybody other than her

i never called her "clocky," she probably assumed this post (and other posts i made about my self-identified "clocky" transfem friends online, who were experiencing harassment post-p.redstrogen situation) was about her somehow. she is not transfem; trying to make transfem bottom surgery experiences or anything else into "experiences [she] had" is disingenuous. she's a femme woman, i validated and argued for her visible and personal femininity; if i failed in some regards, that is my bad. but telling a trans person in a t4t relationship that they need to "get help" because you used to feel jealous about them uplifting tgirls is just transphobic. acting like its a defense of transfems is even worse. and claiming my love for tgirls is solely a sexual, comptop, anti-surgery thing is especially frustrating when she repeatedly failed to accept that i do top and want a phalloplasty.

i never threatened her, nor did i talk about "gathering information on her." all i said was that, in the same way i could tell when her ex was stalking me, i might see if she was block evading me, on a post that she only could have seen if she was block evading me

i didn't publicly air out my side through that song or through vent posts. i haven't taken down any of my vent posts, you can look through them, many of them had nothing to do with her and all of them avoided details.

i also did not orchestrate a fucking drive-by shooting. i never thought i'd have to clarify this . she also presumably doesn't actually believe i did, since she still texts my roommate pictures of squirrels, which isn't "dealing with accomplices to murder schemes" behavior

i did not pressure X into anything, send her messages about how they weren't compatible, convince them of that, or get between them and her. i was the one trying to convince them to go visit her and make the flight, trying to help her out, but they couldn't because they were literally worried sick.

i wasn't even in a real relationship with her when X was supposed to go on that trip; she wanted to split up and even had my number muted but insisted that i still follow "rules" and call her my fiancee until she was ready to let me go

i did not say she "got owned" and my friends did not behave as a public "echochamber"; none of my friends talked with me about it except in private conversations she had no exposure to

i did not treat her like a sexual object. part of the issue with her false accusations about my sex life is that i was so detached from my sexuality from the entirety of spring break until the end of august that i started identifying as ace for a period. during this time, she yelled at me after i was too busy crying to have sex with her. over the summer i started cutting recreationally, but was careful not to do it in a bad mood to avoid habit-forming; during a serious argument she guilt tripped about how i hadn't yet carved her initials into my thigh before i was ready. she unsafely/improperly tried to choke me without discussing it beforehand, admitting that she looked up the right way a while ago but didn't remember. serious mental health struggles for me were reduced to being obstacles for my sexuality. i cannot emphasize enough how objectifying it feels from my end to have a semester of incredibly tough friendship situations boiled down to "oh you must be having sex with other people," followed by constant sexual bids for connection to fix the relationship that often failed to respect notions of enthusiastic consent.

all of the things i did do, are by her own definition, not sex, were equivalent to what she did with her own friends during our relationship, and went completely unaddressed by her anyway, so i am not even going to bother defending myself on those when she'd rather make up new accusations baselessly

in the imaginary world where i did have sex with other people, that does not excuse the cornering me by regularly threatening suicide, the belittling me for not "centering" her on two separate occasions where my friends DID attempt suicide and i was called for help (during one of these situations she vent posted about me not talking to her while i was literally writing statements ordered by campus police), the vivid descriptions to my face of how badly she wanted to physically hurt me and my loved ones, the direct ableism as well as vitriol and unwanted sexual comments towards my alters, the biphobia and transmisogyny rampant in claiming my love for transfems has anything to do with "girlcock," her telling me to my face that me giving her less attention again would be "worse" to her than me dying gruesomely, the sexual harassment she now is doing in the form of posting details and lies about my sex life to her public blogs as revenge, and so on.

lastly, any claims that she has to post publicly to get my attention aren't true. she does still contact me. she unblocked me to send and unsend me messages before.

i'm glad she's trying to live a more fulfilling life now, and i am too; im in therapy, in better communication with family, etc. but things are way out of hand and i cannot keep prioritizing her peace over mine when i am not hers anymore.

this is NOT a callout post, i do not want this to circulate, i do not want anyone to contact her, i want people to have a disclaimer on ME before making assumptions so here it is. anyone i see adding her name to this post, spreading it, sharing it with her, etc is getting blocked immediately. this doesn't even scratch the surface of what went wrong or what happened throughout our relationship, but it at least addresses the immediate accusations. this post is not directed at her, its directed at people who approach me about her, and i have no interest in arguing with her anymore- i want her to be able to move on and be happy, very, very far away from me.

[mikajihiko]

Catching up with AKIHIKO KAJI's changes in Given Bangaihen --- (10th Mix_2)

DISCLAIMER: A forewarning that this blog contains SPOILERS, including but not limited to story plot and some panels of the latest chapter of Given Bangaihen ( Given 10th Mix_2). Proceed with caution!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a thread on Twix (Twitter+X) Ive yapped about changes in main 4 Given after the span of 10 years. On this blog however I want to concentrate on Akihiko, which, as a synopsis I simply said:

Akihiko continuously allows Haruki to have his way with him. He's very soft, wanting to always please Haruki in any way possible, but not in a way where Haruki is allowed to step on him. The vibe is similar as pre-dating Akiharu, but added the anxiety of post-dating Akiharu.

However, I cant help but feel like I simply grazed over the topic considering Akihiko is a character who goes through constant change, in fact thats his entire thing- from changing to be a man deserving of Haru's love to having a dedicated emergence chapter. Err, My point is that that spiel isn't the only thing thats changed about him. Hence this blog and so I shall continue to yap~

Starting with his direct appearance. Our first impression of Akihiko is that he's someone who looks depressive and ragged who has a tough exterior, cool, and seemingly stone-cold which throughout the series we learn that these ragged looks are physical manifestations of actual depressive episodes stemming from the numerous abuse he receives from a past, yet continuously haunting, ex-relationship

As the story progresses we see him gradually get back into his nature of being a constantly smiling and giddy guy with a child-like demeanor; And, that continues to be the case in this sequel! Having energy to dawn fake circle glasses and a hat to go match it (as a "disguise" / intimidation tactic for the "bugs™")

With regards to personality, his inherent nature of being giddy and child-like never ceases, however, so does the pre-existing anxiety. Albeit not so obvious, Akihiko's past relationship has traumatized him in ways that he or a lot would not expect.

From someone who never really cared about his past partners shenanigans, when it comes to Haruki, he ultimately tries his best to continue to make up for things even after 10 years by wooing him, ergo continuously following through as per Popov-san's words; not that genuine sweet gestures seem to be a problem for him or Haruki.

From someone who had to be coerced into doing things, when it comes to Haruki, he doesnt have a problem with anything and gives in to all of Haruki's qualms; Always aiming to please! Of course, being in a healthy relationship makes it easier to do. Besides, what's there to wear a disguised marriage ring for aesthetics just to keep the bugs™ off Akihiko 😗

Compared to the past as well he has become more protective! In other words, became expressive in showing jealousy and possessiveness, only wanting Haruki for himself; which in itself is a drastic change as finally, he understands what it means to want someone all for himself. Considering high school Akihiko never cared for trivial things, into after-dating-HarukiAkihiko who admits to hating seeing his boyfriend play with an ex, into 7-years-later Akihiko who becomes overly defensive of Haruki's nape, into finally 10-years-later Akihiko who's against Haruki wearing the 'wedding ring for aesthetics' because he "doesnt want Haruki to look like a lonely wife". Its quite the evolution, emergence if you may, which admittedly is very cute

But yes, as I circle back, this stemming from the trauma of being in a relationship with someone who was completely commitment-phobic. The fear of doing just one wrong thing ultimately leading to Haruki leaving (even though Haru wont) is a chance he will not take. But also then again, its not like Akihiko hates it, completely indulging with his lover like this answers the calling of his romantic side! But, something to look forward to with how things will waver when the boat gets rocked in chapters to come; I'll leave that for the future as I digress!

Ig so far thats all I have important to say~! Im looking forward to the next chapters! Im excited to see how these changes in each character would affect interactions! Similarly to how Ritsuka has let go of his SUPER idolization of Akihiko hehe I look forward to seeing other changes~!

Happy Akiharu Foreverr!!!🍁🌸

[walnutcookie]

can i ask what cheddar's curse is :333333333 3 33333 :333 :#3333333333333333333333333333 :3:#3333

HI I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKEDDD. :33 THANK U SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK /GEN. you have unleashed hell i am about to write so many paragraphs /silly /pos

ok to rb!

I need to draw a picture of them without the shadow sometime but. basically that glint in the shadow over cheddars face?

thats not their eye. they dont have an eye there anymore. instead it is a jewel :]c a cheddarstone to be exact. And it is very cursed!

still need to figure out exactly how it goes but when the blue cheese manor burned down they reached for the cursed jewel that their family had and They survived! They technically cannot die! but living isnt exactly easy

inside of them is a ton of Dark almost ink-like goop,, its like. Anti-life force. It seeps through their skin slowly and if it seeps out too much cheddar has to fight for control. if it gets really bad they lose control entirely. the only way to keep it from seeping out is by absorbing pure life force. they can obtain it through being around someone as they die, but more effectively they can kill people themself. Which is pretty easy since!! touching anti-life force kills a person IMMEDIATELY literally all cheddar needs to do is touch someone and theyre dead.

of course, if people knew that she was doing this, theyd be arrested immediately so theyve found ways to be sneaky about it :]c

for one, they cover themself up as best as possible. Literally from the head down its completely covered - giant coat, gloves, boots, etc. plus the hat covers not only the jewel in their eye but the anti-life force goop growing on his face!!! They avoid being in crowds or tightly packed spaces and theyre careful not to ever touch someone - while the clothing helps, it doesnt completely negate the curse, so while a brush of the shoulder may not kill the person itll at least drain them which will look suspicious.

obviously this quote wasnt related but shh its about Universe A. to me

cheddar has basically made themself untouchable (both metaphorically and literally).

say, theoretically, they need to take another victim. theyre travelling with macaroni on oh, say, a train, and they find a random cookie isolated in a train car with nobody around to witness anything. they peel off their glove and put their hand on the victims mouth, muffling their scream and killing the person instantly, and then they gently lower the body down so it doesnt make a noise as it hits the floor. next they use a knife to stab the person a few times - theyre already dead, but since touching them wouldnt give any indicators toward the cause of death, they have the perfect opportunity to create a false story behind the murder of this cookie and frame someone else for it. all they need to do after that is call macaroni to come see and he'll practically do the work for them!!!

ive mentioned this on one of my posts before but i headcanon that macaroni. cannot. stand. mysteries. he has to have them solved ASAP otherwise he CANNOT rest easy. he wont be able to eat or sleep very well at all. it makes him so anxious as much as he loves mysteries

Cheddar uses this to their advantage! theyve created a person in macaroni's head - someone whos lazy, who doesnt put much effort into their work, someone who doesnt rely on real evidence very much. How would someone like cheddar manage to frame someone else for a murder theyve committed and get away with it? especially since cheddar is around macaroni 24/7 and hed never expect them to do something in like the five minutes that they sneak away. not to mention cheddar has been working for the cbi even longer than mac and why on earth would a cbi agent kill someone for (seemingly) no reason??? In reality cheddar is actually much smarter and observant than they make themself seem but mac is in HEAVY denial about it because he doesnt want to have to think about his work partner being a murderer. Better to come up with other solutions (which cheddar so generously offers to him by framing people) than to point the finger at cheddar and raise dozens more questions that may be left unanswered. Plus the thought that all of the deaths cheddar caused would technically partially be macs fault. And as much as cheddar annoys him, mac has grown pretty attached to them.

someone could literally yell at mac and say LOOK!!! CHEDDAR HAS BLOOD STAINS ON THEIR COAT OH MY GOD!!!!!!! and mac will just laugh and say Haha that must be from lunch yesterday :) LIKE. cheddar has just made the perfect alibi for themself. they can never be accused of any crime because mac will defend them no matter what just to keep his own sanity

all of the killing and murder and crime aside cheddar is. Fucking miserable. shes so insanely touch starved bro they havent had a hug since like 1806 (except for like one person CCOUXGGHT COUCGHE GOUCGH ROUCYEO CAPPUCCINO COUGH COUCGH SPUTTER COUGH thats another post entirely though if anyone sends an ask abt it ill talk about it) and they try to make themself seem unlikable towards macaroni and try to distance themself from people and avoid relationships because even just a high five or a brush of the shoulder could be fatal. its too much of a risk, and its not one theyre willing to take.

he is fucking Smitten for macaroni theyre so head over heels for that girl but they just! CANT!!!! they cant get close to him because then he might DIE and not only would they lose the person they love but that would mean that their precious alibi is gone and theyd have to be extra extra sneaky about things to make sure that nobody catches them committing crimes. not to mention because of the way they act macaroni fucking HATES HIM. one sided yuri my beloved

anyways yaay ill stop there before this post gets too long X] theres more stuff about these two (including actual yuriful fluff NO WAAY) if youre curuois or have any other questions just shoot me an ask id love to answer!!!!

as always i dont think this is canon by any means it is all just my silly headcanon au because i think cheddar should be fucked up As a treat👍have a nice day If you read all of this i loveyiu so much /p

[actualbird]

I don't think we've ever had like Drunk drunk Marius. Like, he's had alcohol before in cards but he's somehow sober (I think, otherwise he just acts incredibly sober when drunk)

And I just imagine that he doesn't get drunk bc a) he has a high tolerance and b) he pretends to be sipping on some alcohol while not actually drinking any. Like everyone else is on their 4th glass or something and he's not even done with his 1st.

Why b? Because I'd just like to talk about the idea of Drunk marius being a sarcastic asshole to the point where he got banned from having more than 3 drinks at family functions.

(Last time he had more than three he insulted one of his uncle for having no art sense, told his cousin that she was the ugliest bitch he's ever seen and will never find a partner, then threw up all over some poor French von Hagen's newly made suit. the first two may have been deserved. the last one was not.)

I DONT THINK WE HAVE YEAH, though if im not mistaken, one of his MR audios is him drunk and he was a clingy drunk to mc. i cant remember which MR card this was tho orz

but this is making me lose it HELP. all the years of learning how to be a Respectable Von Hagen just go out the window past a certain amount of alcohol, poor thing.....or rather, everybody he insulted are the poor things kJBLKSJBFLSDBF

i myself like to think that marius has a pretty solid alcohol tolerance. of course, it depends on what hes drinking but also. he was an art student in florence. ive never been to florence but i was an art (creative writing) student once and the AMOUNTS of alcohol that would be drunk at parties and get togethers, my god......so in my eyes, marius can hold his drink pretty well

but i assume he doesnt like ever getting drunk at business functions in general. too much risk, 0 reward. he leaves the fun drinking times to when hes having a get together with the nxx team

and once hes drunk he can dunk on vyn non stop until vyn nearly tries to strangle him

[fictionfixations]

LMAO ZEN (doesnt it happen for everyones routes though? i havent done like another story yet tho)

anyway before i get into talking about jumin (as the route im on rn) i wanted to wonder

yknow how certain things happen but only on someones route?

like zen has the echo girl thing, idk what yoosung has i forgor but i think jaehee had that one project??? that got her interested in like coffee stuff? jumin has the arranged marriage?? and seven has like. well. the hacker stuff.

but it never gets mentioned on someone elses route ? i dont think? i feel like itd be more cooler if it was all happening at once as like little references (but either something they can handle or cant handle outside of the route. just like maybe a vague mention of trouble to interest the player in that route, while still making sense from like a timeline standpoint???)

like. people doing things but its not because youre the one pushing it towards that. i like that more. and im curious how chaotic itd be

anyway

JUMIN. (disclaimer: I dont like him)

WARNING i start venting in this post. theres only one mention of a triggering thing (which is warned before the actual vent part but i dont want to put here to bring the mood down more cause in all honesty im over it. im just kind of projecting.)

i think ive said before how i can understand the liking of possessive partners

but. okay maybe its just that i dont like jumin as much as the others but. this is kinda way too much. or maybe its that i value my own independence a whole lot or maybe its because i really dont like the thing with his cat (and i LIKE cats. so giving me a character who likes cats and making me not like them??? ahgeiudhf)

like 'dont leave or ill go insane and make your face known everywhere so i can find you again' like the fuck no w h y CAN I LEAVE

I want to leave i dont care if i get the bad ending get me out of here 😭 (actually i think the bad ending mightve been if we encouraged being compared to like his cat and like. was willing to stay forever.)

e w NO like CHILL

maybe. im. being too extreme. and im just too on edge. but like. can you not. i am not your property?? i am not an object??

now LISTEN i understand marking. like like yknow biting and so and so as like a claim over your partner. and now that? thats hot and i like that. but thats ONLY for the bedroom there comes a point where too much of a thing is a bad thing

ALSO we've known each other how many days has it been. eight?? WE've known each other EIGHT days dont be horny bonk

g o o d . this is good.

STOP. dont talk like you know whats best for a person. like its some thing that'll happen, not a what if.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. now if he was being more weird id say go home but hes. OKAY. ish. now. like hes trying. and anyway getting him to not do it takes time. and also this is a game of romance fantasies where creepy shit gets played off as kinky or something. (not a jab towards mysme its just the kind of thing its trying to do which can result in uncomfortable parts if you take off your rose-tinted glasses of wOAH ROmANCE. its expected since ppl think certain things are hot when in reality its kind of very not that great)

…CAN I GO HOME???? like BRUH im not gonna accept you just cause you do so and so

why does this feel like a 'nice guy'. maybe this is my bad because this is making me really want to leave buth gdiuhfuih

trigger warning. i vent. mention of kermit sewer slide but nothing actual.

ive been pushing the 'stay here to help jumin feel more calm' but. i do also need to prioritize my own well being and my well being is not happy here rn 😭 (on a serious note though while its important to be there for your partner, its NOT a good thing to give everything to make sure your partners okay, because y'all are equals and as you help them stand they need to help you stand too or you'll collapse under all that and it really wont be a good time. im telling you its very draining. and why i promote the idea of get your shit together before you get with someone because there comes a point where you can be too dependent on your partner which isnt good for you or for them [and they can feel hesitant to express their feelings because they dont want to hurt you, or hesitant to do anything too stressful because theyre like that support pillar for them, and they dont want to do anything that causes otherwise because they dont want their partner to get hurt. it can also mean they go along with what the other wants even if they dont really want to because they dont want to hurt them. am i projecting? ithink im projecting. cause like. ive been there. and honestly i think it kind of fucked me up cause there was like a power imbalance in that one was significantly more fragile and vulnerable then the other, which made me feel like i should be going along with it because i didnt want them to be hurt when they didnt have anyone else they could rely on but me. [i tried to get them to make more friends cause relying on a single person is very unhealthy but no dice] but that also meant that they didnt respect my boundaries or respect me when i say no and instead just gave off excuses to make me change my mind or made me feel like i had to do what they wanted or theyd deliberately hurt themself. so.. it was a lot. anyway it really fucked me up cause i felt like i was in the wrong for not going along with it. blah blah blah. we split. i genuinely have no idea if it was true or not but they'd started saying things to make me feel bad and just not a fun time at all. they were probably in a really dark time in their life but im gonna be honest. i dont know in what scenario its okay to go 'im gonna kermit sewer slide if you dont [blah blah blah]'. so yknow. and this is not really the same but it still feels the same in walking all over boundaries and lines and is especially why i do not like this character a bit. yay trauma.])

i might actually get a bad ending because i. really dont like this.

[s0lk]

venting n shit because im in a weird state of mind and its the middle of the night so i cant talk to anyone. lots of talking about being a panicky little bitch mostly

this is not gonna be one of those poetic rants about some deep traumatic shit just to get that out the way. don’t expect it to make any sense it’s just a bunch of thoughts.

i don’t think im capable of being a good partner. not an ACTUALLY good partner. i guess im good at doing stuff and i do like being loved but the thing is at any moment i can detach and feel absolutely nothing. like im not even in there. any enjoyment goes right out the fucking window and all i have is this weird dull feeling. which really sucks when im in a relationship i actually really enjoy. also i dont think im very good at like being there for him any more. or anyone really. ive always been really proud of being a therapist for the people im close to but all of a sudden i dont know how to handle any of it and all i can do is go ‘:(((( im gonna hug you’. which is so fucking stupid. i want to help people not whatever that bullshit is. im terrified that if i cant be the perfect source of advice and comfort for everyone ever then something awful will happen and it will all be my fault because i couldnt help them properly. i need everyone to need me but now i feel like im useless because i cant fix every problem they have. and i cant even go to anyone about my own problems because they all feel so dumb in comparison. like who am i to stay up crying all night and panicking over nothing??? i havent had half the shit happen to me that the people i know have. i shouldnt be so upset. and it doesnt help to be told that the bad stuff i HAVE been around to experience is ‘just poland stuff’. you know who you are. yes im telling you i don’t like that through tumblr rather than confronting you directly. sue me im a coward. just because your family is shitty too doesnt mean my mother being fucking PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE doesnt matter. anyway. i just need someone who i can talk at who just like. listens. yknow? i just want to cry in someones arms. except i cant DO THAT because apparently crying is too ‘inconvenient’ and i think id kill myself if i was that much of an inconvenience to someone. which is ironic because i make it pretty clear that venting to me is not a burden in any way. and it genuinely isnt but like. having shit dumped on me with no warning or confirmation first isnt fun. ill never say no to someone wanting to vent but when im just trying to have a silly time listening to music or whatever and suddenly im flooded with a bunch of sad stuff its uh. startling to say the least. plus when its so out of the blue i cant always tell if its just a random complaint or a serious issue so sometimes i dont respond right and that pretty much always leads to a panic attack because what if the other person decides that makes me an insensitive asshole and stops wanting to be around me? thanks autism and not being able to read people and making me believe that if im not perfect im the nastiest little critter to exist ever. really really great.

[kawaiibunnora]

help

tw: transphobia, suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, sh

I am a senior in high school who occasionally presents fem at school. My father is extremely transphobic, so in order to dress fem, i have to smuggle my fem clothes to school and then changes in the mens bathroom.

My entire school is pretty accepting, and I never feel in danger or uncomfortable when dressing fem. This year, I was voted the "Most Changed" male, so I decided to wear a dress for the partner pictures (with a girl I barely knew). Everything went fine and dandy until I talked to my mom (who's accepting of me).

Yesterday, she suggested telling my dad now so that he'd have time to process before the yearbook came out, so that's what I did. In the moment, he reacted very harshly, very irrationally, and he said a lot of hateful things that I wasn't surprised by: He called me selfish, he threatened to kick me out of the house, he called all my teachers bastards, etc.

Anyways today we had another, more civil, conversation. He was still being extremely transphobic calling cis women "girl girls" and trans women "boy girls", and his main issue was how some of our family friends might ostracize us and how people will see our family. At one point, he brough up how he saw a trans girl at a senior banquette and his only thought was "I feel bad for his parents".

After that conversation, I hid in my room some more until he called me out to talk to me again. He told me to get the yearbook pictures removed or else he's going to the principal. (Mind you, the pictures were duo pictures, so I'd have to involve the female winner, who I barely know.)

I don't know whether I should just submit to my father's wishes until I graduate and move out or if I should stand my ground. I hate having to drag my partner and the yearbook teacher into this, but if I don't, I worry worse things will come.

This is also the first time I've ever thought about suicide. Not enough for me to actually go through with it, but I'm imagining myself hanging, with a note addressed to my dad saying "you did this."

I have the urge to bash my head into a wall or to cut myself or to run away and never return. And the worst part is that these feelings stem from a feeling of failure. I feel like I'm a burden for my parents. Like Ive caused them so much harm. The suicidal thoughts are coming from the fact that I wish I wasn't trans. I feel like I wouldnt be as much of a burden if I was "normal". I hate myself for not being the perfect son.

Logically, I know it's all untrue, which is why I don't think I'll actually go through with any of these thoughts, but that doesnt mean the feeling isnt there. Logically, I know I've done nothing wrong. Logically, I know my dad is being a dick.

But i feel like such a burden

[irlbkgs]

💖🎃🧸 for the ask game? with any f/os you wanna talk about !! :]

💖 - what's the nicest compliment they've ever given you? what's the nicest compliment you've ever given them?

adrian: sooo he kind of word vomits all the time which means a lot of his compliments are just like. jumbles of words that don't really make sense. that being said because he does word vomit a lot and he's naturally very affectionate that means there's like. no end to the compliments even if they're really simple or dumb. i think probably the nicest compliment he's given me was probably saying for how often i act stupid im actually not and he appreciates that at least at times i can help him with things he has little to no experience with. even if he's older he's still got things he knows nothing about.

as for nicest compliment ive given him its really hard to say because im not much of the type to compliment, it either makes me feel really shy or like i dont know if the words im using are right so i just Dont. but i def try more with my partners bc ik its unfair to never compliment them, especially in adrian's case bc he does it all the time. i try to give him little ones just on his appearance and stuff but i think the one he probably appreciated most was just me telling him he's fucking fantastic at dnd. like dming or playing a character, he's great at roleplaying and voices and coming up with things to move the plot along and memorizing actions and spells etc etc. im fucking dogshit at all of it so its like watching the grandmaster of nerd shit do his thing and not break a sweat. very cute but also very impressive.

daryl: now for daryl, we're both on the same page with compliments. he doesn't know how to choose the right words and he isnt very good with emotional stuff so his compliments mostly consist of "you look pretty" if i dress up or "good job" whenever that's applicable. one of the compliments that he's given me that rly stuck out tho was literally just him appreciating me being patient with him bc i wouldn't consider myself a patient person in general but when it comes to emotional stuff i try to give him as much grace as possible bc i also want some myself. we're both super stunted in that department so i try to be lenient lol

nicest compliment ive given him is probably in a similar vein, ive thanked him at least a couple times for taking care of me bc he really doesnt have to but its something that really feels special to me bc i cant remember the last time ive had somebody actually do that for me. actions speak louder than words for me as well so simple shit like letting me get extra rest, cooking and cleaning up make me just as happy as a compliment.

🎃 - have you guys ever carved pumpkins together? do you visit a pumpkin patch, or buy one from the store? or maybe you grew it? what would your pumpkins look like?

adding billy to this one bc its halloween stuff lul

billy: obviously he's a big halloween guy but funnily enough i wasnt allowed to celebrate halloween growing up for religious reasons so stuff like carving pumpkins feels special but also very tedious to me bc there's zero nostalgia and i dont think billy would care much for that specific tradition either. i might drag him out to the patch to pick out some pumpkins for decoration but carving isnt likely to happen. apple picking however...he complains but he helps bc if he doesnt he gets no pie :>

if we did carve, his design would be way more detailed and better looking than mine. itd be like contest worthy. id just do one of those store bought designs and somehow butcher it anyways.

adrian: he is big on carving pumpkins!! but bad at it!! just as bad as me so its a lot of throwing guts at each other and then ruining our pumpkins so bad we cant even display them. we'd roast the seeds for a snack tho :3

daryl: we would not be doing allat but we would (if we could) watch some movies. im thinking alexandria era us would involve a lot of picking up any movies we find on runs and just watching anything we have, even if it has nothing to do with halloween. if we did have halloween movies, daryl would fucking haaaate my picks but deal with it bc he looooves me and id hate his too so its okay. he's def more of a serious horror fan whereas i like horror comedy.

🧸 - it's valentine's day! what stereotypical valentine's day gift does your f/o give you? a box of chocolates, perhaps a stuffed animal?

billy: at best, jewelry, maybe some plain little silver chain with his initial (possessive much?) but besides that i think he wouldn't go with a classic gift. he'd get movies, merch, knives, but roses? stuffies? god no. and i don't even like chocolate so that's def out of the question.

adrian: flowers for sureeee and possibly a stuffie if he was feeling extra. he'd get flowers with my favorite colors (pink and green) but he'd make sure they didn't mean anything bad before he got em bc he's slightly superstitious. stuffie would be of the hello kitty or skelanimals variety.

daryl: also probably wouldn't do a classic gift, but is again partial to jewelry. it would be nothing fancy, just a bracelet, but it would be handmade which would make it way more special. he'd get help from carol who probably learned to do stuff like that with sofia.

[emtmercy]

i think ur take on lestat and louis being written as just being mutually toxic and shit to each other rather than as a case of systematic abuse makes the most sense for how the show ended.. and i see how while lestat also hurt louis readily and often, its not consistent and its perhaps not necessarily abuse. i disagree though that "terrorizing someone for dominance" is the only thing that constitutes abuse. irl ive seen reasons and ways other than "for dominance" where people will abuse a partner or loved one, yes as a pattern of behaviour

also you said jacob had a point when he said what louis did could be seen as abuse. perhaps clarification is needed because this doesnt make sense based on ur definition of abuse. louis has also never "terrorized lestat for dominance" - especially when looking at what the writers had louis apologize to lestat for, which was him being miserable to lestat many nights bc he was suffering and resentful.

also i am trying to wrap my head around how some of the 'they r mutually toxic' arguments r the same ones ive heard with irl relationships -amber heard and johnny depp for example, especially with the recordings of their fights and the trial being so public. how do we clearly tell and argue the difference? u said that the writers clearly dont see loustat as an abusive relationship, and i am beginning to agree, but if for example they also dont see amber and depp as an abusive relationship, could we take the show they wrote at face value anymore.

you made some definite statements about what abuse is based on the show, extrapolated to real life, so I think its only fair to stress test them, but if you don't feel comfortable discussing it further that's fine

Well I do think I have to challenge your understanding of abuse. Abuse is about control. Replace the world dominance with control in your mind if that’s easier to understand. But yes abuse is committed for control. Always. Period. Anyone in the abuse field will tell you this. Suggestion to the contrary is dangerous. Abuse is always always always centered around control. This part isn’t up for debate. That terror can take a thousand forms but the goal is control. That’s a central definitive characteristic of abuse. I’m at work but maybe later I could suggest some writings on this that may help clarify what I mean. Like yes abuse takes many forms but it revolves around the attempt to control another person

And yes I wasn’t listing Jacob’s quote because I think Jacob has a perfect understanding of real life abuse, I listed it to help people understand the very fictional story being told. You’re right that the idea that Louis abused Lestat goes against a real definition of human abuse. I don’t believe Louis nor Lestat abused the other in the human sense. What Jacob was saying was a response to a specific inquiry about the nature of his relationship w Lestat and he was trying to explain that Lestat is not more culpable than Louis and that they’re both hurting each other. Me explaining the intentions and understandings of these people isn’t me saying anything other than that this is what intended and understood by them.

Neither of us know how the writers feel about depp/herd. And whether or not the writers have good opinions on it doesn’t really affect whether or not they’re the people writing this story. Their intentions are their intentions even if you think they should have other intentions. You don’t have to take their politics at face value or respect them. You don’t have to think the show has good politics. You can think the show is offensive. I have no problem with you taking issue with the writers. I am simply explaining their intentions, which exist regardless of whether their intentions are offensive to some or to all. As you’re beginning to agree with, yes the writers clearly didn’t intend to portray a human abuse dynamic with an abuser and victim. That doesn’t mean they did it perfectly. That doesn’t mean they didn’t use tropes they perhaps shouldn’t have. It’s just an explanation of the show as it exists ! I personally have critique of how they handled this. It’s not a deal breaker for me personally because I understand and at heart respect the story they are trying to tell but violence can be really triggering for those of us who have to be in this real world and I totally get if this story is a deal breaker for some

What a writer intends is not chained to what is most politically appropriate in the real world. They can intend and write anything they want. And we can say we think it sucks if we want. But we have to start from a point of understanding the show as written.

And I think your question on how we know the difference speaks to cultural misunderstandings of both abuse and of fiction that people are really grappling with right now

Amber heard experienced real gendered violence within a system of abuse that is very obvious and clear to anyone who has had the opportunity to truly learn the signs of an abuse cycle. It was not unclear or confusing to anyone I know who understands abuse. Depps abuse of her was quite a classic case. His campaign of terror over her in pursuit of total control of her and dominance over her is what makes him the abuser in the situation.

I’m not saying anyone who didn’t understand that case immediately is evil or has no experience of abuse, but I am saying that once you get to have access to the knowledge we’ve amassed on abuse as a greater social pattern and quite specific dynamic then it does become clear.

Louis and Lestat inherently need a different lens than real people because they were WRITTEN. They took no actions not intended to communicate something to the audience. They have no personal will. They are characters who act within a story written by a person with specific intentions. They exist only within this fictional realm. There’s no greater truth than their existence as it is in the fiction because they’re not real.

Louis did not experience a clear abuse cycle and we don’t have to worry there’s something secret we don’t see happening behind closed doors because he’s fictional. The writers have communicated to us what they want us to know. And I think comparisons of Louis to amber are unfortunate given she’s a real person being abused and Louis is an evil vampire doing mutually toxic shit with no One abuser and One victim. Her situation was very classic sadly. The fact that many people rejected the clarity of her situation is due to widespread victim blaming in society and the fact that we don’t educate well on abuse. But there’s a reason all the big domestic violence experts were writing essays. It was very clear. And you don’t see the same markers of abuse in this fictional story because it was written to not be that

I genuinely hope this clarifies some !

[17gz]

do you mind me asking what just happened w you guys’ roommate? of course lmk if youd rather not talk about it, i just didnt wanna ask about the situation through replies and thought itd be better to ask here in case youd wanna answer privately 🙁 regardless i hope you two are okay

tldr:

a friend i've known for 6 years + the two of us moved into this apartment last summer

i'd lived w this friend a few years before this and i thought they'd grown and worked on shit (boy was i wrong)

things were okay in the first half of our lease, minor problems but it seemed like we had a good foundation laid out for living together and we had plans to renew when this current lease ended

abt 4 months ago, my roommate met this person off a dating app and they basically immediately got together and their partner showed up one day and never left

even after trying to put boundaries down abt this, they didnt listen to any of it

i also don't trust their partner bc everyone thats met them has caught some of their lies. their entire story doesnt check out

the partner (on the day our friend found recent texts on their phone to their ex) got evicted from their old place bc they couldnt pay rent and they kinda cornered us and "asked" if their partner could live with us (not paying any rent btw) and we had rly no choice but to say yes

on top of that, their partner has been fatphobic and shitty and disrespectful to us on a near daily basis. nobody in my friends life likes this partner, not their parents or any of their friends, and especially us. i tried talking to my friend about this and they acted like they took it seriously but clearly didn't...

shit kept building after they were making us feel uncomfortable and intrusive in our own apartment for 4 months, and initially i said we could renew the lease since $875 rent per person sounded tempting + i found this unit + i like this unit + i hate moving, but it just really wasnt a good idea

the final straw was my friends partner being extremely rude and disrespectful to my high school friend during pride (my hs friend is a trans woman) and when we talked to them about it, they denied everything and deflected so fucking hard, we were completely fed up with it and realized that 4 months of this has been hell and i can't do another 12 months of this

last tuesday, we told them that we would not be renewing our lease, which ends july 30. we apologized about the late notice, and explained our side and tried to be as sympathetic and helpful as possible abt them renewing the lease with other roommates, but they were upset and i get being upset, so i was giving them some space etc

we made our conversation as mature and non aggressive as possible, ive been trying to stay as collected and polite as physically possible, especially since we are the only two men in this unit

they started being extremely passive aggressive and rude and awful to us throughout the past week, and even when i was helping them figure shit out with our landlord etc, they were still so rude to us... i mean slamming doors and stomping their feet and rolling their eyes when we walk past and deadbolting the door when we leave the apartment etc

after so much hostility etc in this unit, we stayed with mutual friends for the weekend and we told them abt everything and they were all extremely supportive and said we were not at all in the wrong for this, and that we have been extremely patient with them for so long. even a friend i didnt expect to side with us was 100% on our side and wants to talk to them one on one

we're in the process of applying for a new unit and fingers crossed we can move out asap. we started properly packing today, and during that, our friend asked to talk to us

they asked what we left out of our convo and what personal issues we had, i said i'm not comfortable talking about that until we're in our separate apartments and things have cooled down more. they were really mad that i was firm on that, they accused us of creating the tension and hostility in the apartment, despite the fact that we have actively been avoiding causing shit because our stress levels are through the roof and they're already demonizing us to others bc we put down a boundary, i can't be petty etc and give them an actual reason to demonize us.

as we kept talking, they were like. shaking with rage with a smile on their face and saying passive aggressive shit to us and saying we need to move out sooner than our planned move out date...

important context: my dad is the guarantor, i found this unit, and 99% of the furniture etc we have here is ours.

(disclaimer before i say this, i know various people with BPD. people that will take accountability for their actions and take steps to work on their coping mechanisms and behavior etc.) but this "friend" has BPD that they use as an excuse for every single one of their shitty actions and does not take any responsibility for their behavior. their partner, as far as i know, is not diagnosed with anything and while i'm no psychiatrist, i've had 3 diff people (including my actual psychiatrist) say this is telltale NPD. again not to say that makes you a terrible person, but when you don't take any steps to work on yourself etc and harm others around you, thats what i take issue with. its the definition of a volatile BPD + NPD relationship...

ive also been there for this friend more times than i can count. i've wiped so much snot and tears from their face, i've put aside my own shit to help them and i've done so much for them. thats rarely been reciprocated... they do not give a shit about us and it completely showed today when they talked to us and it became clear they were trying to financially trap us here and they're furious that we put a boundary down. they treat us like their parents, their therapists, and their savings account, and if we EVER did something like that to them, the fallout would be nuclear.

i'm literally shaking typing this and hearing them come out of their room slamming doors and shit. i don't know what they're capable of, and i don't know if they're planning on doing anything, but im afraid because i don't know. i've been having nonstop panic attacks recently and the living situation here is adding immense stress on top of the apt hunting process and moving process. i feel fucking sick genuinely

i'm sure i've left a LOT out, but its been nightmarish here

[trashcatsnark]

Just rambling because I really wanna be feral about my bg3 tav and dont have a place to really do so lmao but my little rotted brain wanted to play with the whole- tadpole fucks with previous conditions/characters shit. Ala making Astarion able to walk in sunlight and and seemingly making Gale's orb hungrier/less stable (judging off the first artefact helping him as usual but then the second one doesnt)

And I don't do fantasy often but since arcana Ive always wanted to play with a character with a enchantment/spell on them that makes people forget them shortly after meeting them. Unable to form lasting connections and living a life thats almost entirely in isolation (i love lonely transient bitches)

So, my tav, Petra (half wood elf, rogue/ranger) ran away from a shitass abusive life with her now dead partner who casted the enchantment on them both, so only they could remember one another. Being each other's entire world. Shit happens, her lover dies, but the enchantment is binded to their instrument (lover was a bard)

Which is all build up to say, she had and only wanted a cozy insignificant existence, because significance just means giving people the power to hurt her/being known means vulnerability and yet now thanks to the tadpole, she is being perceived and thats horrifying enough- i also really love the extent that Petra contradicts with many of the companions in terms of the idea of ambition and desire.

For so many of the companions (except Karlach really) insignificance is their like nightmare. Gale has both an innate hunger f for power because he derives his sense of self-worth from being a powerful, significant, and impressive wizard. Gale of Waterdeep, chosen of Mystra, deep down he does want a more simple life of relaxing in his tower and idly reading, and cooking for someone he loves but he can't ever seem to fully shake this feeling that when he sees power or opportunity he must grasp it because without talent, power, significance, magic, utility- he thinks he has no worth at all. Astarion craves power, once you start to enter act 2, he starts to talk about how he thinks the player has ambition and that maybe heyyy you can use that ambition for me? Because to him ambition and power, his own or using someone elses is how he'll find a way to permanently escape his abuse. He says he's not content to sculk in the shadows, what good is freedom if he doesn't have the power to make sure he'll never lose it. Wyll, the blade of frontiers, wanting desperately to help everyone- be a hero, make the sword coast proud in a way he never could make his father. He wants to matter, he wants to be important, he is forever burdened by the weight of his mistakes- the pact that binds him, never able to feel free of it and just wants the world to look at him and see something good.

Lae'zel fears insignificance, this is stated plain as day in the scene where she threatens the player, if you choose to probe her thoughts. She's doesn't care if she dies, if her skull splits, and tentacles writhe through her flesh- she's terrified it will happen before her queen ever knows her name, that she'll never be more than a failed soldier, that she'll never wield the silver sword or ride a red dragon. That she'll die before she feels she ever mattered.

Shadowheart wants to be a dark justiciar, she wants to be of value to her god, she wants to matter- similarly to Lae'zel, ironic given their hostility, but it is the same ultimate goal. She doesn't want to be no one, she doesn't just want to be another follower who's struck with pain, mind wiped tirelessly, and nothing to show for it- she wants her pain to have purpose, meaning, even if it's just serving the god causing it. Karlach is already a bit of an oddity in terms of, she never really seems to be scrounging for power and signficance and in fact- her power, her strength, her ability is what led to Zariel choosing her as her attack dog. So, while she's a bit more similar in not having a heavy desire for power, ambition, and a goal beyond- not wanting to be hurt, the desire for freedom and life on her terms. They still differ so greatly in terms of- Karlach lost out on getting to be a part of life for so long, she misses people, connection, and she doesn't want to avoid life because it hurt her, she wants to take back the parts stolen from her- she wants to live and be apart of the world finally again on her terms. Even if it kills her.

And my brain just kind of buzzing and feral for this idea of how she somehow finds herself thrusted into not only being perceived, being surrounded by people who are learning who she is, knowing parts of her she hasn't shared, and also being asked to... lead. When it's never truly been something she craves and even overwhelms her, but it finds her regardless and how she helps ground for many of them their grappling for power/ambition while for her they help her find that... she deserves to be a part of the world around her, that she can touch the world around her and make a difference. And she's no less guilty of wanting something that's bad for her, that she's been alive but not truly living and returning to that loneliness once the tadpole is plucked out won't be peace, won't be contentment, isn't freedom, because it was never that to begin with- she was just languishing in isolation and grief as a living ghost.

[lifeinthegladhouse]

the unfortunate news was given that my dad's chemo probably isn't working so he "might" have to do 30 day "isolation chemo" (?) which sounds horrible and scary. I want to visit him then if so... I don't want him to be alone for 30 days. I'm terrified he will be abusive to me.

when my mother died, she couldn't hurt me, even though I was terrified to see her. seeing her helpless body waste away from cancer was traumatizing but also released any fear I ever had of her, even though the memory of her abuse will always live in me.

my dad was not abusive like she was but sometimes i think he is worse for ever enabling her to be around me, ever choosing to "raise" a kid with her, comparatively, she had much less choice in her actions than he did.

i dont know what it means or if it will help. i didnt think these chemo rounds would help... i never thought my dad would get better... but hearing the advancing news doesn't help.

especially after watching someone's long term dying lead to hospice and then death and how irreverently it was handled, in this household (my partner's grandmother).

my dad will lose whatever hair he has left and im sure will look unrecognizable in a way.

whatever anger or apathy i have to combat my sense of obligation that shouldnt even really exist... i feel for him. im scared for him. i dont want him to suffer, and i dont know if it's worth going through.

i dont want to sway his decision, im positive he will die from this either way. i dont want to lose time with him, but ive already lost time. he's had 30 years to fix this and he hasnt...

i dont know if i can physically handle the grief of seeing him this way.

he always sounds livelier over the phone than he is, but... he didn't watch his parents die this way.

i will lose both of my parents to horrible forms of cancer (i mean, they're all horrible). at least Gene froze to death and it shocked everyone and he didn't suffer.

we've been iced in for a week here in p0rtland, and i got money back that i "owed" to unemployment when gene died. it felt like, after 3 years, he was helping me,... of all times to get the money back now... itll help me move out of my in laws... but a horrible thought happened... what if it's because my dad is going to go sooner than we thought?

i cant decide, anyways, and ocd is a bitch.

my back is killing me from days of making music and trying to learn mixing and mastering and animation and editing just for the fuck of it to stay sane, entirely diy.

today i cant focus, anymore... im listening to david bowie and crying alone and listening to my stupid in laws talking in the kitchen. i cant mourn here because this is a house of narcissism and enabling. hell, someone DIED in THEIR family and THEY wont/cant even mourn.

if my dad doesnt take the chemo, he will continue to failingly rely on his weekly (or more) blood transfusions. and eventually, he will die. maybe he will choose that to spare himself, and in a way, i almost wish he would, but i cant say i really wish that, ... i wish he was a better father, i wish he didnt have cancer even if he is 73, i dont wish him a sudden death bc itd be jarring but a long way is almost worse. i dont know what i want. i wish he couldve ever cared for me so that i could care for him. but what happened is he didnt care for me, and i care, but i cant care FOR him. i cant fix this. i cant love or unlove or hurt or unhurt it away.

when he dies i will not have any family left.

and then some part of me will be released from this burden of grieving a family that was always "dead" to me, but now, permanently, which will just feel fucked up.

ive spent 3 years grieving mom and gene. then i will grieve him too. when will it fucking end

in spite of this i have to work hard to perservere bc its what gene would want. its what my dad would want even tho fuck what he wants. its what *i* would want if i was diagnosed with cancer tomorrow myself or in 40 years. im terrified.

im tired.

im so goddamn tired

[rontra]

your art is making me go absolutely feral about wondermagic. I never looked at Zatanna comics before (or much comics in general), do you have any recommendations on where to start? I need more of this funky gay stage magician and her huge dork girlfriend in my life.

oh god. I MEAN first of all YES!!!!! WONDERMAGIC W!!!!!!! im so happy to hear it. they make me actually crazy im glad youre enjoying The Art

however SECOND OF ALL i must confess (as i have confessed before!) that i am a fake ass comic book fan. i've barely read Anything for Any character (LOL) i am not at ALL versed in her various appearances/history. so tbh i hope my more knowledgeable followers can drop recs for both me and you if there's anything particularly noteworthy

but i can talk about what i HAVE read bc my journey with her has been very . memorable to me. THIS IS NOT A HELPFUL POST this is just me infodumping--AT LENGTH--about my and zatanna's relationship. but i do talk a little about what ive read. like casual rontra followers can stop reading here its just rambling

anyway my first exposure to ms zatanna was in the first proper dc comic i ever read. which doesnt count because its extremely not about her (this is a tangent) but its notable for making me out loud go "who is this MAGICIAN" which prompted my partner to immediately reply "you mean zatanna zatara". oh you know her. you know the magician. bitch who the hell is--

you gotta appreciate the experience here. its babys first ever comic. i know superman i know batman ive seen them around (from being alive as a human). i have never in my life heard of the stage magician who hangs out with them (in full costume??) and is their friend(?????)

SHES VERY MEMORABLE. WHO THE HELL IS THIS MAGICIAN

anyway that's all a tangent. flash forwards to last month. i was already working on CTDE from the kara^2 angle (bc i majored in n52 power girl w a minor degree in supergirl: woman of tomorrow, of course) but i was like "i should expand this roster". my friends suggest their blorbos ofc and i have a fun time reading wiki pages from multiple storylines/continuities just getting a wide array of impressions from different places. just snooping around the Vibes. and im like. man i should look at that Magician. read some of HER pages

you gotta appreciate knowing nothing at like 3am, to figuring out ctde zatanna's palette at 5:43 am

i can't resist her.

anyway i already knew here that i was going to do something weird with her in the CTDE that wasn't necessarily connected to any of her published material. i was cooking independently. the stove was on before i had ingredients on hand bc i had the IDEA first. but i was like "i should look at some of her stuff first-hand and try and refine the Vibes" yknow. like theres limits to how much of a fake zatanna fan i can be

so we put out a call in the Mutuals Network and someone was like "you Could watch the justice league dark movie from 2017 she's in that". i was like ok 1hr15 animated movie i can handle that EASY

i didn't love the movie. so i'm not going to say anything else about it. however something VERY IMPORTANT TO NOTE:

thats right. wondermagic took hold before i read a single zatanna comic. just as it has for you anon.... we're not so different you and i...

couple days pass. im just relaxing. hanging out. looking at random tumblr blogs that post comic stuff bc im curious. so i stumble on this one post and it has a clean edit of This Fateful Image 👇

this. GODDAMN image

i was like Wonder Woman is HOW TALL? excuse ME? (>he has also never engaged with a single piece of wonder woman content)

SHES SO TALL........??? and Next To Zatanna? (diesel voice) back in my day we called this spitting distance. and we would post it on /u/

im like okay what comic is this from im going there and im going NOW. to view her. like it's that easy folks. just show me wonder woman, Tall, next to another woman. and i'll go read it

nyway this is Justice League Dark from 2018-2020 it's like 30 issues or so and theres a stretch of chapters where diana is a real hunk its unbelievable. then the art changes but it was amazing while it lasted

(and then i immediately stumbled and wondermagic ctde real)

i really enjoyed this comic actually. i have NO idea how its generally regarded by zatanna nation, but i had a fun enough time. absorbed a lot of DC Comics Magic Lore for my AU which is important

at some point it starts doing Weirdly Umineko Coded dialogue totally unprompted so if you've read that it might tickle your funnybone to see comic book characters asking each other "was this a trick or was it magic 😏". made me feel right at home

my main complaint is that SHE'S NOT DRESSED LIKE A FUCKING MAGICIAN IN IT!!!! COME ON!!!!! they chickened out on the full magician garb in this whole era. which is just so sad. the fishnet fingerless gloves are funny though i might steal that. but i think she is so funny when she's wearing the full magician costume. like call me shallow but her commitment to the bit is so important to me

on the upside she interacts with wonder woman A Lot. the rest of the team is fun too. the justice league dark team is just wonder woman severely failing to put together a squad with any star power at all and i think that's adorable. her failgirl era. now she's out here with her also-rans. i like them all im fond of them

diana scruffs zee like a cat??? she's just hanging there like she's ok with it LOL

it technically jumps off of another comic but tbh if you're willing to hit the ground running and just Accept some stuff in medias res and go with it it's pretty easy to pick up if you wanted

("Just Going With It" is a vital survival skill for getting into comics in general because even if a comic isn't part of a longer continuity its always like "omg glup shitto is here!!! for the fans!!!" and you just have to be like Okay someone else will know who that is. ill just go w it. yknow 😭)

anyway i got a lot of DC Magic Lore (Strangely Familiar Edition) and Zee Content AND!!! Wondermagic Content. in this one. so even if i had an inkling about them before, this comic is really what detonated the charge so to speak. they interact so much

and the dynamic created w their relationship to magic and stuff is really interesting. brainwormy for sure. it took me from "who the hell is this magician" to "DO PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT WONDERMAGIC????? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELLO???" in one comic. i have a LOT of thoughts about them like genuinely i think there's meat on the bone conceptually for wondermagic

but i think pretty much any time they appear together in general they're just Like That. whenever theyre both in a comic they have to be gay about it (what the fuck did she mean by this). i was losing my mind when i was catching up on DC/RWBY (ABHORRED. avoid if possible) and zatanna is immediately on her bullshit again. IS THAT HOW YOU GREET HER

anyway to sum up my rambling here's a peek into my league of comic geeks library of Shit Ive Read Since Then (that had zee in it). basically i have no further wisdom for you but for the knowers this is where i'm at (click to enlarge)

it's a totally random selection LOL my strategy is that i look at comics that list her as a cast member and spin an actual roulette wheel in my brain to decide whether i should read it or not. there's very little else going on here. just monkey sees funny magician -> neuron activates

that pretty much catches us up on my zatanna journey. youll notice if you paid attention to the date/time stamps that it took a mere matter of Days to go from "yeah i can watch a movie" to "i think about her kissing women every night before i sleep". it is DIRE in here. im not sure ive ever had such a Severe escalation of worms

i love her. she's my funny girl. anyway. zatanna nation. if you're still reading this. if you're still with me. what is your wisdom. what should me and anon read. please.

this is a matter of international consequences.