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Thank you borf for the kofi! Have a scandalous handholding :>
Kofi Doodle Details
Kofi
#ive never gone here before#i think hes from a game called somethings wrong with sunny day jack?#sunny day jack#kofi doodles#aka doodles
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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the international consensus that isaboe must be besotted with finnikin is so funny. they do not like that man
#belegonian diplomat voice well the dick must be insane. no other explanation makes sense i've seen his personality i've seen his negotiation#skills. only thing i haven't seen is his [redacted]#when garg says he's never taken isaboe or finn for fools. ooh i know he's reconsidering that by the end of book 3#sorry i think ive made this post before but i didn't word it properly then. & i haven't now if i'm being honest. oh well!#like i guess it's meant to be more sort of neutral-to-positive but finnikin is frankly unimpressive in most of his outings. and his prep fo#them should have him benched in perpetuity. but he isn't. so i think it's funny if everyone's looked at this & their clear love for each#other and gone 'ah. i see what's happened here' bc isaboe herself is decent & i think august was pretty good (fuck knows with topher tbh)#so to everyone else it's like they're just kneecapping themselves for no reason. unless
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...
#im back from a week with my dad at home and at the lake#it was really nice to b home for a while but now im a mess lol#bc it really makes me wanna move back to Appalachia and not do another semester out here#and also this was our 1st trip to the lake without my mom being there. she loved the lake. she grew up on the water and was named after an#island. she died before she could use our new jetski. which my dad bought for her and she would have loved#and i stood in her sandles bc my dad keeps them out by the fireplace and my toes fit almost exactly into the impressions of her feet#and i came come with another bag full of her clothes. and i feel bad for my dad being all alone in that big house#i mean hes got the dogs but theyre 7 and 8 and theyre big boys so they probably dont have all that long left. itll be so sad when they die.#there was a moment where i was talking to the dogs and he said i sounded exactly like my mom. which was kinda intentional#on my part bc i say a lot of things bc she would say them. stolen phrases and intonations. pieces of things ive taken.#its still weird that she's just gone forever. the time in the hospital feels like it was some horrible nightmare.#and now shes never gonna kno where we end up. she's left rooms full of half tumbled rocks and half sorted photos and half organized#classroom supplies. the outlines of a person that will slowly be stitched out of existance as time moves on until theres nothing left and#the memories are gone. its just sad is all. especially bc she didnt deserve it. no one does but expecally not her.#but unfortunately life isnt about getting what you deserve. its chaos and coincidence all the way down.#unrelated
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eegggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
#apparently those alex hirsch interviews came out#i'm not watching them because if i do i will go insane (negative)#so ofc my perspective here is flawed but#i saw a couple posts of some of alex's quotes from the interviews and#ohhhhh boy i am not having a good time right now !!!#yay more stuff about how ford is icarus#yayy more stuff about how ford is trapped too far in his head to have any meaningful relationships#yayyy more stuff about how ford ''result[ed] in Stan being this hurt and needy and mad''#sooo glad to hear how meaningful it is when people say something resonated with them and they feel a connection to it#ohh but btw the character *you* resonate with his Too Far Gone for his own good and ruins the lives of everyone he comes into contact with!#that's right! the character who made *you* feel *seen* in a way you never had before!!!#ah... such a nice and impactful thing to hear 😌#i feel so touched by these words 🥰#can't wait to hear this in so much more emotional and provoking detail when the book of bill is released#(for the record the previous 9 tags are sarcasm.)#k ive said enough#good night#svm yells#svm yells about the fandom#<- or rather its creator#but i already know the fandom is going to eat this up if not already#fandom wank#filthy ford apologist squad
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PTSD is so stupid saw a jar of biscoff cookie butter at the store and went ha that’s the brand they had in res. (Completely unaffected). Then went home and had a panic attack about it (????)
#first of all. how is a jar on a shelf that you didn’t even touch harming you at all???#second of all. now that I know that chain Carrie’s bidcoff cookie butter I’m never going there again. let’s leave those worms in their can.#(sees a food) huh. cookie butter. (the ptsd gremlin cooking up a nice panic sequence for me) well probably staff are trailing you right now#and they just left that there on accident because obv they keep cookie butter with them. and they’re going to restrain and sedate you and to#you’ll wake up tubed xoxo#<- INSANE ITS A JAR OF BISCOFF COOKIE BUTTER CALM THE SHIT DOWN#I only slept an hour last night and didn’t sleep at all the night before so like that might have something to do with it but I feel like we’#were gunning for day 3 here with the cookie induced paranoia#don’t buy belsomra guys belsomra is a ripoff that I’m pretty sure is just sugar pills#although I am abnormally resistant to pretty much every sleep med like iv ambien just makes me a bit lethargic the doctor who gave me it sai#said that was really weird and then ordered another piss test bc he thought I was on speed LMAO#nope just my brain. rotten. gone.#day 3 is usually when the insomnia hallucinations come out so like pray for me if you see this#though I did get an hour last night so maybe that counts
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Do you ever wish things could go back to how they used to be
#before this breaches containment:#this is about 2021-2022 mcyt#hell even 2023#this is about everything i miss from it#that is gone and never coming back#but im still here#we're still here#i'm still 17 watching technoblade for the first time#i'm still 18 watching Hermitcraft season 8 start#i'm still 19 watching the first qsmp stream#i'm still here#but ive lost so much
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i hope this post finds you well! quick little soft reboot!
i want to do a soft reboot of this blog! i won't be moving or doing a deep clean, but i do want to start fresh in that i think that the best thing for that is retiring most if not all old threads. it's been a while and i'm not sure if The Muse is there and i certainly don't expect it from anyone! so i won't jumpscare anyone with a thread from 2 years ago lol. i miss writing with you all and in a silent lurk i've read what you guys write on the dash for a couple days and it ignited that spark again to want engage in that!
if you see this and you want a little starter thrown your way, let me know!
#「 ooc. 」 boonta eve drift.#i know ive been gone and gone here and there#my intention was to always kinda keep this blog lowkey#but i've simply not even been here which is my b i want to make an effort of being here somewhat consistently#nothing serious just simple life stuff & trying to be less online#i think im rediscovering my passion for writing and i really want to get back into it#rp in particular is fascinating because of that connection between writers and through interactions having you#adapt and plot and learn too in a sense? if that makes sense lol#i think that during the period that i was writing on here it helped me develop as a writer in aspects i never really thought about#things like voice and the perspective of characters and dynamics#dynamics especially! because i had the problem before when writing character relationships in solo felt a bit one note and almost monotonou#writing here really taught me how to make the distinction between characters and the nuances that define a relationship#so um yeah#i checked who i follow and my goodness was there a mass exodus! many non active for 1+ years#makes me feel a bit less alone in my leave lol#oh! in the time i've been here on and off i've learned fr*nch! so salut mes amis! i sincerely apologize!
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eberything was better when she was here >:(
#bella.txt#unfair… she’s gone and hazel’s almost equally grey as she is her regular fur color#i still have an assignment to do thts worth a notable amount of points due before my 8am class tmrw but um#i think i might just go to bed and try to do it in the morning 😭#bc rn im feeling like if i stay awake w/ my thoughts ill need to check myself into a hospital or smth 😭#mayb i can get extension.. ive never asked for one the whole time ive been here but maybe#anyways gn. i hope im normal in a few hours
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Just going to one of those days I guess
#/personal#sooooo eepy and today is going to go late i already know.#im going to a client ive never been to before and she wanted me there a little later than i wanted and i was like ok whatever#then i was on my way and she called and was like wait can i do an hour later like#maam PLEASE if you had told me that to begin with i wouldntve fucked around for like an hour and i wouldve gone to the other account first!!#and the two other places i need to do have weird shit going on like ive gotta fix a fucking leak and install new lights#and one of them is 300 gallons which always takes ages to do a water change on anyways#just uuuugh im so eepy and just sitting in my car when i couldve been doing shit! i wanna go home!#even worse im in a little town so i cant even go window shopping or anything im just sitting here
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oh my god everything makes sense now
#ive had so much troubke sleeping for the last like. 3 weeks. like i havent been getting more than 4 hrs of sleep most nights#and its SUCKED so bad and ive had the worst dreams ever like#its either mind empty blank 0 dreams whatsoever (<< which ive learned also sucks! feels bad and empty in the morning)#or like..trauma nightmares. like im back in high school type nightmares. and a few work stress dreams sprinked in for flavor#lkke this has been. An Issue.#I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY. AND I FEEL SO STUPID#ITS BECAUSE I DONT HAVE LOKI LIVING WITH ME ANYMORE.#im at my parents house for the weekend and . got here at like 8pm last night.#laid on the couch. loki jumped up on thr couch with me to cuddle#and ive always said hes so good at this bc hes warm and he lays on top of me so hes like a weighted blanket#and i cant move my arms to look at my phone or anything so its SO easy to fall asleep w loki cuddles#AT 9PM I FELL ASLEEP. i havent gone to sleep before midnight in like 2 months.#and when i had 2 get up to move to the guest bed he followed me.#and i just woke up from a nightmare and he was on the other side of the bed so i reached my hand out 2 pet him#and he laid his little chin on my hand and oh my god everything makes so much sense now.#ive always kind of half joked abt loki being an esa. because im like. he is. but not officially#hes never been trained for it and we dont have like. documentation for it bc ive never been officially diagnosed for anything (hell world)#so i feel bad calling him that bc it feels like im. disrespecting people that Actually Need esas#(<< coming from.a guy who Actually Needs An ESA Apparently.) what the fuck#head in hands. everything makes so much sense now#and normally id go all science brain on this like oh it was just one night iwas probably just too tired i need more evidence to be sure#but like. i have loterally not slept this well in a month and a half.#I have not gonento sleep before midnight in AT.LEAST the last two weeks. CONSISTENTLY .#head in habds.
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its time for yet another brain game of am i like fully neurotic or was this genuinely not a cool situation . prize is jack shite and yet im playing anyways👍
#j.txt#vent#just like. to preface. im not bringing any of this up im just going to stew in it for the night and then move on as per usual#alright disclaimer made now i can get to the point. So. tonight is my close irl friends bday right but she didnt tell me about any plans#so i naturally assumed she was gonna do her own thing and not really celebrate. Ive had work all day and while working get a text frm her#asking if we want to go to this restaurant i introduced our group to for dinner. so i respond saying oh im off at this time if yall want to#go even tho its late i can. Never get a response so i assume theyll bring it up when i get back. get home and no ones here not a word abt#whats going on. i do my usual unwinding get ready to chill etc which takes abt half an hour. she comes back with our other mutual friends#and theyve already gone to the restaurant which is fine i get it. but they get back and say oh now we're going to this themed music night at#a club we've all been to before as soon as (other friend) changes. and then just. dont offer for me to come along or anything and leave.#which like. whatever its happened a hundred times before im used to it but Still. does it not even occur that I might want to participate??#if i had Any notice that this was happening I could have been getting ready instead of slacking around waiting for someone to get home#its so. i try extrememly hard not to be a downer or just invite myself to things bc I Know this is how they all operate but it does still#sting that it feels like im not even thought of if i dont happen to be in the room when plans are being made lol.#and obv I am Not bringing this up rn and ruining what im sure was a really fun night for all of them#its just truly a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation yknow. but such are the whims of fate and i shall endure as always✌️
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btw i think i may be attempting to enter into a long distance relationship w erik.
#ik nobody cares i think its annoying to constantly talk abt ur dating life on here#but like. this is my diary. so.#basically the deal is.i may very well be setting myself up for failure and heartbreak. but also i will regret it for the rest of my life#if i dont try#he feels important. like this feels different than it rlly ever has before. he felt important before i ever had any romantic feelings.#and like. idk if it was just bc i was so emotionally exhausted from all like the processing feelings and talking abt them and stuff but#he slept over. and i can NEVER sleep if someone is in my bed. but i slept really well. like literally in his arms i have NEVER been able to#sleep while im touching someone not once in my life.#this is so embarrassing lolll bc literally since i met him ive been talking abt him on here like 'oh my new friend i think hes into me but#im trying to just be friends' well. mission failed.#also my mom and my sister bc of COURSE any time i speak to a man its like well do you like him are you dating him. and i was like NO we are#just FRIENDS god can i just have a FRIEND#and so when i tell them. god it is going to be sooo humiliating. also he has multiple satanic tattoos so if he meets my mom....#long sleeves on that day methinks!#um anyway im getting ahead of myself. basically we had a talk yesterday abt all my doubts abt getting into a relationship when hes abt to#leave and we kind of talked through what we would do to make it work. I told him I still couldn't give him a sure answer bc when im with hi#it feels like it can work but when he was gone the other day after our first talk abt it i felt so sure it wouldnt work so i need to#sleep on it and think abt it without him there but idk i think i know my answer like at this point i feel like its worse to wonder.#i have to try yk?
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bro you cannot keep reminding me itll be 20fucking23 in a little over a day i’m still stuck in 2020. idont feel a day over 16
#skye's ramblings#calling myself an adult still feels so wrong. lockdowns and dropping out of highschool deprived me of like. crucial development i think#i dont think im ever gonna grow up properly and im already treated like a kid for daring to exist with autism. i am just sitting here#im 16 and i'll be 19 in 5 months and im being SO brave abt it#but enough about that!!!!!!!!!!! because im also thinking abt how pretty soon i'll have known some of you guys for 3 years#which is wild to me. my online friendships before tumblr never lasted but i've made some of my best friends here#nice that we can go forever without talking and i can still look at you n go HEY thats my best friend as if we talk every day#new years resolution or some shit is to reach out more. i've gotta get more comfortable just talking to my friends when i want to#ive been too lonely recently. i miss my friends' servers but theyre almost all dead/gone i gotta get more comfortable talking one on one#idk. all in all i this this new year is bittersweet. but i think i'll be okay
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okay guys i have calculated it all out and even if i get a big fat zero on this race i will still earn a b in the class assuming i get 100% on the other remaining three assignments two of which are a given for 100% and the last of which is like. even if we get a 75% on it (which i do not really see happening) i can still scrape by w a b-
#personal#the engineering chronicles#tbh makes me feel SOOO much better like it will still suck to get a zero on basically our final exam (but it isn’t like weighed like a#final exam we can fail it and still pass as long as doing so doesn’t bring our team assignment average down below 70% which it doesn’t in#these calculations) but like. at least it will not lead to me failing the whole class yknow WRDJFN#on the flipside if we get 100% on the race my grade will boost just enough to take it from an a- to an a. but i do not foresee that#happening LMAO we would have to earn first for that which. our robot is barely functioning atm as it is#whatever i had going on last week was FINE it was not perfect but it was working. then we redesigned and it has all gone to hell 😐 AND we#all have like separate redesigns now which! we cannot do for the race! they need to be identical!#and BEFORE the race we need to submit an assignment that’s like. ‘here’s what our final identical robot design is’ w a SHIT ton of cad#models and drawings. and the race is on saturday. and as none of us have decided on a design yet that works for all of us. we have not#started this giant assignment yet. which. hello#it’s so bad. don’t even get me started on my unrelated exam on friday and also a final paper again on friday… 😵💫😵💫😵💫 death#this class has actually taken over my life like most of the time it literally feels like i am not enrolled in anything else. which is like i#am SO lucky none of my other classes are giving me trouble but also. it makes me wonder. how i would be doing if i had chosen another major.#not even one outside of stem like linguistics is my only non stem class this semester and i am straight up vibing in everything except this#robotics class. and that can be said for most of the engineering classes ive taken where they’re really the Only classes that give me any#problems. like how stress free would i be rn if i had picked chemistry or applied mathematics or smth 🤨#but also i don’t regret it. i mean i am learning so so much that i never would have imagined knowing how to do a year ago. but also. AAAAAAA
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just had a visual migraine aura for the first time and it scared the absolute shit out of me
#gay and obscure nonsense#now it's gone and i just have a regular migraine. lovely.#logically i knew it was just a migraine aura but bc ive never had one before#part of me was just like 'what if my brain is just calling it quits right here and now 🤔'
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