#tbh makes me feel SOOO much better like it will still suck to get a zero on basically our final exam (but it isn’t like weighed like a

[moreaujeans]

okay guys i have calculated it all out and even if i get a big fat zero on this race i will still earn a b in the class assuming i get 100% on the other remaining three assignments two of which are a given for 100% and the last of which is like. even if we get a 75% on it (which i do not really see happening) i can still scrape by w a b-

[tsandoll]

riwoo? 👀

i can’t get over househusband riwoo tbh🤭🤭 i just need him to be waiting for me when i get home to let me use him🥴😩😩

he’d love it too!! what happens when u get home after work and ur pissed off with ur coworker making ur job harder all day!! u curse and complain, throwing your purse onto the couch and kicking ur shoes off like!! where does she get off??? but ur melting at the sight of ur sweet little boyfriend waiting for u, like can i do anything to make it better? i’m sure if she knew how hard u worked she wouldn’t treat u like that :(((

i just need him!!! he would mouth at ur cunt through ur panties, drooling all over ur clothed core because he just wants a taste!!! u wouldn’t be able to keep urself from him long because as much as he desires to shove his tongue deep into ur pussy, u need that more!!! we’ve been over this but he would get sooo pussy drunk, eating u out like it’s his only purpose in life<333

then he’d have u take him however u want<33 if u want him to fuck u in missionary so u can just lay back and enjoy him thrusting his cock deep inside u, tuckering himself out but still pushing through so he can please u!!! or if u wanna ride him, watching him fall apart under you but still grinding his hips upwards to meet urs with the last of his energy!!! or maybe u want him to take u doggystyle, he loves every part of u.. and i think he’s more of a boob guy but he’d also love to watch ur ass while he takes you from behind, spanking you when you snap at him to go faster!! maybe he gets a little more dominant with you, telling you to take it, he knows how to take care of u! he’s the one you came crawling to to destress after all, but once you’ve both cum you roll him over onto his back and go down on him, milking him for all he’s worth even though he’s so sensitive and overstimulated because where does HE get off talking to u like that??? apparently all over ur tits cuz he loves when u boss him around<3333333

- 🍑 anon

ughh this is the dream!! riwoo is so reassuring and always does his best to be objective while also comforting you. he's got such a way with words and is happy to try and make you smile. he would do literally anything to see you happy and to make you feel good. his main goal is to be of good use, he wants your praises. he'd be right at your side as soon as he hears you coming in. i feel like normally he'll take your bag from you, placing it nicely but since you're so upset he'd just leave you to let out your frustrations, only being concerned about you. he'd listen to you so well, making his little comments here and there.

he'd offer his services in any way he sees fit, telling you that he can make u feel better if you want. he'd sink to his knees so willingly, placing little kisses over your thighs before coming close to your warmth. he'd place even more kisses there, trying his hardest to take his time but he loves being between your legs so so much. he'd kiss and suck at your clit through your panties, wanting so badly to bury his fingers inside but he would try to hold it off. instead he'd pull your panties to the side, sticking his tongue in and tasting you deeper.

ugh so true!! he's yours to use and he'll give you whatever it is that you want. he's soo into you picking how you want to use his body and he's happy to do it however you please. the part about him getting more dominant with u 🤭 i think he does that when u in some way question his ability to care for u and to fuck u properly because he feels like he needs to show you he can do it!! he's here to take care of you and he's serving his purpose! he understands his place tho, he knows he shouldn't overstep and he knows that he loves to be under u 😖😖

[single-malt-scotch]

Bdubs' typing style

saw a post that i felt did Not describe bdubs' typing habits correctly at all so i needed to make a post about it.

OLD typing style (like 2011 early years) bdubs kinda sucked at typing and grammar lol. He was a slow typer and spelled stuff wrong a lot (mostly big words. he would often voice how he didnt know how to spell sometimes as he did it. and then he'd spell it wrong lol). would type abbreviations too like bbl, brb, lol, np, etc. Sometimes he would type ones like "lol" in all caps. He would also shorten some words/spell them an alternate way like "gunna" instead of "gonna" or "lil" instead of "little"

He didn't really use emotes too much other than a basic :) or ;) usually. you could maybe throw in a :P or :D if you wanted but i mostly see the former.

He would not use other punctuation like apostrophes much if at all, sometimes use commas where needed, and not capitalize his sentences. would use periods if typing more than one sentence in the same message, and using question marks where needed, and sometimes exclamation marks if he felt the need (sometimes more than one if hes "mad"). he'd even use "..." in his sentences (usually without a space between words).

examples from mindcrack

NEW typing style- Bdubs is technically better at typing (lol). One of the issues with new videos though in order to find chat messages is that people often cut out any kind of chatting in edited videos. But i will describe what i can based off what we do see- (its not much different tbh)

A bit faster of a typer now but if you watch him actually type in videos/streams, you'll see him get stuck sometimes as he tries to figure out his sentences. but he does spell things correctly now for the most part.

Interestingly I would sometimes see in old videos where id see him typing some sentences in a more ~proper~ manner. ex one being "i look forward to seeing such things as these" at guude when he said he was recording something. In hermitcraft charity stream last year he whispered to etho "of course! with our prefect prowess" (screenshot below). which is not at all his *usual* way of typing, its more exaggerated on purpose.

this is funny to me that i have noted it so long ago, and then we have a guy who seems very into settings that would lend that kind of speech (all his bwb kingdoms, the king arc with ren where its VERY apparently used). that said he doesnt do this much- dont go overboard on this one! i feel its mainly when bragging about himself, or a few times where he thinks it would be amusing- he can be pretty sarcastic sometimes (outside of the king arc roleplaying)

He still doesn't use emotes much (i cant think of many new videos where he does, but i dont have as much reference in these new videos. i would play it safe and stick to the simple ones mentioned above. While he still doesn't punctuate his sentences as much and still doesn't capitalize, I feel like he types a bit more how he talks? using exclamations more to finish his sentences, sometimes a "?!", maybe more than one exclamation even- and usually when sounding "mad" in chat he will use all caps. sometimes a multiple !! or ??

from hermitcraft streams

sooo i hope that gives a good idea.

[miupow]

crave gyu always drives me crazy!! HE'S SO CUTE BUT AT THE SAME TIME SUCH A SON OF A BITCH‼️‼️ 😫

anyway, he's still my favorite 🥲👍

i tried to imagine myself in that situation where yn is, and it would be too horrible

firstly, I'm not a sub and don't even try to convince me to be one, and secondly, I can't keep quiet and my patience is zero, so there would be so much fighting, but... for some reason, I feel sorry for them, I guess? Idk why, but it seems like they really need love and someone by their side to give them attention and affection sooo that would definitely make me cling to them, but living in those conditions is absolutely impossible

I just wanted to say that I love the universe you created and since I love werewolves, and that made me fascinated in crave so pretty much 🙃💖

I'm looking forward to seeing tyun's headcanon, and yes, there's still Yeonjun, but I'm more curious about Taehyun

this ask made me giggle and kick my feet tbh !! yes let’s talk let’s converse let’s discourse i love it i love it

i’m so glad you love crave!! it’s definitely for the submissive and breedable girlies lol but it warms my heart that you love it anyway lol!!

mc definitely feels some kind of pity for them which is part of why she gets so stockholm-y and sticks around like she does lol. especially since they have troubled pasts. she’s a sweetheart and it gets the better of her

the way i talk about crave makes it sound like they’re fucking and sucking 24/7 and it’s really not like that !! there’s a big sexual tension element to it because i’m a sucker for sexual tension lol and most of the smutty smut happens either during their rut cycles or because their relationship is blossoming or wtv you would call it. i’m not sure how else to word that i hope you get what i’m talking about lol

but yes mc is definitely a strong soldier for living the way she does lmao !! originally crave was set in a kind of medieval/rural victorian (?) time period so mc was already kind of used to being a bangmaid iykwim.. she went from taking care of her family to taking care of these men essentially. there’s kind of a theme about women / misogyny

but i flip flop on it a little i’m not sure if i want it to be modern now or not ?? idk

[coldretard]

do you ever feel like you are doing the right things

that sentence is kinda different depending on which word you emphasize

but please emphasize Ever cause that’s what I did lol

I will shower for the second day in a row today

It feels wasteful lol but also like I can’t just keep leaving the day on me and then be shocked when I get a pimple lol like 👍 hey retard, your pores need to get cleaned out, they are tiny gutters. How many pores do we have?

You ever type a question and then highlight it to look it up instead of actually opening a different app and typing it again

Look lol

you ever do that?? It just OPENS safari for you lol

iPhones are a drop of evil in the bucket of WORLD EVIL so like stfu about the child slaves like who’s making androids because I think my iPhone maker kid is probably friends with your android maker kid. And I can’t worry about everything happening in the world or I’ll implode, so…. TRAFFICKING IS WORSE. These kids just have to hurt their hands. BOTH ARE NOT OKAY. But there are levels to the evil shit… there are levels to everything

Like scale of 1-10 where 1 is got no dessert and 10 is got molested how bad was your childhood

….. anyway lol so you know how some things just do not feel right lol

How do we do things we know are wrong

Not even WHY but literally how lol what brain function is that

we aren’t just input/output creatures??…. I mean, we are lol input food, output waste, but with thoughts it’s like - input information, scumbag brain decides to ignore half that information and run with some part of it, output action…

it just doesn’t make sense that I KNOW going to sleep early and getting up early is good for my literal brain chemistry - and still don’t do it consistently

like amyloid plaque cannot build up if you sleep correctly because our body CLEANS ITSELF INTERNALLY at night lol so yo if you eat late and your body has to DO DIGESTION guess the fuck what your scumbag brain is like hey I know if I don’t digest this food it will rot and kill you so I have to do this BEFORE i can start all of the other INTERNAL CLEANING sooo - oopsie if we don’t get to everything. and then we wonder why Alzheimer’s and dementia are a problem.

Barbara O’Neill taught me more about the brain than fucking …. Any class. Granted I didn’t take brain chemistry classes lol but do you know how many prerequisites I would have to take before I could get to this information lol idk if that’s how shit works anymore - I remember more of highschool than college tbh because I didn’t smoke weed until the senior year of highschool and then NEVER STOPPED like how do I have a job lol paperwork, is how. DO YOUR PAPERWORK. Cover your ass. Everything will be okay.

usually going back to sleep feels good so i assume it’s the right thing but alas sometimes just because something feels good does not mean it is the right thing lol like doing DRUGS

Also this man mowed the lawn yesterday and I didn’t even suck on his penis about it

That

Is

Unacceptable

I have take not one but two large shits so now I am going to shower instead of laying back down til 630 lol

Can I just say how much I love not having kids

But I do have the time to make kids breakfast like set up a school room lol like teachers can’t even imagine a class size of single digits let alone 1-2 lol it would be SO EASY no wonder home school kids seem weird they know everything before everyone else and then probably look around at society like ‘these stupid fucks’ lol

There was a kid in my neighborhood named Walter and we played with k’nex and he didn’t have a TV and I think my parents knew his parents were doing a better job than them …. They were lol

Okay time to shower for another 40 minutes :D

Kidding, should be less time cause I don’t need to scrape off layers of dead skin from my AGING FACE. Castor oil you bitch, rub it on you after shower, why you never remember to do it????

I guess morning rambles are my thing now

[doegirldaydreamer]

Diary entry #4 - 23/01/25-26/01/25

Sooo girls to be so real w u rn this is just gonna be one biiiig yap session bc honestly i dont usually do much over the weekends.. except for this one apparently i totally cooked omg.

Firstly thursday whihc i only have one thing to say abt bc it was ages ago and erm.. it sucks.. its alr the day im writing this is a good one so i get to yap abt that in a sec.

Anyways basically i got out early and i was waiting for my friend by the gate and this girl i know was walking by and i thought she waved at me so ofc i waved back. But then she was acc waving at her bf behind me and she and the girl she was with (who doesnt like me) started like leaning over and giggling and shit. Now firstly i hadnt had any interactions at all w that girl in months and honestly she started talking more in lessons n stuff and honestly i like.. this is gonna be super weird to say but i thought she was changing. And as weird as it sounds i was honestly kinda disappointed. Like ofc it was embarrassing but also.. damn i thought u were becoming a better person but alright.. also i thought i was kinda friends w the girl she was talking to be she used to be so sweet and just.. damn. Like i used to have a little crush on her for a while bc she was rlly sweet and i didnt get why people didnt like her and called her two faced but erm. Yeah i get that now. And its so weird bc shes sorta used to be friends w my friends so sometimes she comes up and she still talks to me and its like.. yeah no thanks. Like idk why i would want to talk to u when ik ur friend hates me and u dont either a) tell me or b) shut it down or at least c) dont laugh damn.

Also another weird thing it made me realise that i kinda base beauty on how ppl treat me yk? Like i used to think she was really pretty but after that i just sorta dont. And ik it sounds bad but like.. i think its just bc my opinion on ppl changes based on how they treat me ofc. Also it was kinda relieving bc mentally ive always kinda valued looks over personality when dating bc if im not attracted to u i really dont wanna waste ur time w it yk? Bc beauty is subjective and js because your beauty isnt my version of it doesnt mean that should be your problem. But also i like find it hard to find even ‘ugly’ people not pretty and its nice to know im not like absolutely evil for caring abt how ppl look and its kinda sorta me just evaluating how they treat me yk?? Or maybe im an arsehole idk tbh..

Anywaysyyss onto fridayyy! So i acc didnt go to school that day.. and this was before my anxiety kicked in btw it was just there was a storm w really strong winds and neither me or mum wanted to go out in it (bc respectfully we would acc both get blown over the winds were that bad). Sooo yum i got that day off! Buut icl i just put on a chill fit and bedrotted. I dont even remember shit from friday except telling my mum like ‘yeah tbh i dont think ill have another day off this year’ GIRL. Thats why i never say shit like that ik i didnt but it feels like i jinxed it.. thats why im so scared of saying shit like that omgmgmg i have horrible timing.

Anyways then erm.. there was saturday which was! Not a good day at first! So basically when i got up in the morning the bathroom floor was wet and nobody told me so the clothes i brought to change into got wet and i had to put on a diff outfit. And bc my hair was greasy i decided to try and proper braid it bc i got close before and it would make me feel better. Spoiler it didnt bc i literally couldnt and i got soososo upset and frustrated over it. And then my stupid arse decided to look in a mirror after and (bc i was having a bad day) i thought i was gross and ugly aaannddd i cried over it. And ofc that spiralled into me ranting abt how dirty my house makes me feel sometimes and how fucking gross i felt and how it felt like nobody would ever like me which.. girl stfu giggle. Lordy typing this is depressing me anyways after that little episode i was like ‘ykw dont be a bitch if u dont like sumet do sumet about it’ so i started cleaning my room and guess what i fkn found. A like dirty old drawing id made when i was really little of my family. So ofc i bawled my eyes out over that. Literally like on and off crying for a solid hour icel that shit HIIT.

But then ofc the post breakdown urges kicked in and i was like fuck it and started completely clearing out my room. Like literally everywhere but under my bed and a set of drawers was completely cleaned out and i now have a bag of stuff to get rid of in my room. Also tiny side rant this is totally first world spoilt bitch problems but whenever my mum washes my clothes for me she piles them on top of that bag like. Two days ago i was weeping about how digusting my room was idec if you just shove it in my wardrobe just PLS let me LIIIVVEE </3

Okay anyways bitching over i spent like the entire of saturday clearing out and thank fuck i acc completely finished it. Like theres still some mess but tbh fuck that shit rn wait until my next breakdown pls.

Andnnd guess what i did on sundayy.. actually i was gonna say bedrotted but i kinda didnt? Like icel my hair was so fucking greasy that it basically slicked itself back so obvi i couldnt be seen in public but when i got up i acc like didnt go on my phone and i meditated and i did a fkn workout. It was like a 10min dance workout but girl thats better than like.. ever idk giggle. And even tho i barely did shit other than play pokemon it was acc kinda a good day. Tbh a win to mee!!

Andd.. okay maybe that was a bit less rambly than i expected bc i barely did anything but overall the weekend was sorta a winn!

Rue, signing out 𓂃۶ৎ

[jakowskis]

s2 time! i'm not gonna be as thorough with it as i was w s1 bc i'm not a huge fan of season 2 ff but here goes

(this post's gonna be tosh/owen + some fragments talk, then i'm gonna reblog with a day in the death stuff, and then ill make a separate post for adam bc. woo nelly. that one warrants it.)

so lets start with the tosh/owen differences. a lot of their little scenes in s2 are markedly different - mostly as far as body language. there's a surprising amount of physical affection between them.

four separate occasions (eps 3, 4, 8, and 9) where there's physical affection between them in the script that didn't make it into the episode. i find this intriguing. tosh and owen are both very... non-affectionate people. both of them could be, with someone they loved romantically, but they don't strike me as the type of people who like to cuddle with their friends. they're both naturally very aloof and non-touchy, which makes that casual physical touch very ooc. i imagine that's why it didn't end up on screen. i figure the writers here knew the show was meant to push the tosh/owen angle in s2, but it's interesting to me that it ended up being a lot more subtle and... awkward in the show itself. i've already said i'm not a towen fan, for many reasons, but one is that there's just... zero chemistry between them (in s2, anyway). every interaction is forced and uncomfortable. it's weird enough that i was thrown off by it for a long time and couldn't figure out what the show was trying to do with them, lmao. i know that their awkwardness probably appeals to some people, and is cute or smth, but i dislike it personally. mostly i'm just petty the show reduced tosh down to that relationship tbh but whatever.

i can't help but wonder if they had this casual physical affection with each other, and if it fit in and didn't feel ooc for them, if i would like them as a couple more. but honestly i have thought about what the show could've done to make tosh/owen endear me, and i don't think uncharacteristic physical affection would be it. i do like that first scene, the way their communication styles clash a bit and they don't know quite how to talk to each other. i like owen awkwardly trying to comfort her, i love when he does that, how it's like a baby deer walking for the first time fhsdjfkds. im very endeared by the way owen's empathy is either out of nowhere and all-consuming, or something he has to force and is awkward about wielding. whenever he tries to be kind it's very tentative, because it doesn't come natural to him (anymore, at least), but he does care enough to try. i'm so fond of it. also hes sooo nd ehehe. tosh too.

will say this: i do appreciate owen getting hugs. he does need it. tosh needs it too. if the team WAS physically affectionate with each other they'd be better off, i think.

two more tosh/owen things...

see, this is what i mean when i say i couldn't tell what the show was doing with them. the SHOW can't even tell. this whole scene is written very vaguely, with little insight into owen's head, like the damn writer doesn't even know why he finally agreed. this is probably my, like, fourth favorite tosh/owen scene, which isn't saying much, 'cause i still don't really like it. it's cute in like, three spots, but mostly it just feels... weird. i don't understand what burn was intending with his acting choices, because owen comes across as insincere and slightly snide. it's weird and gross, and it rubs me wrong. i don't know if he's trying to be casual and play it cool or something, but the way he laughs at her makes me wanna punch him. the way owen treats tosh is just about the only place i legitimately can't stand him.

one last bit about it. see, 'fondly'. in the actual scene, i would describe the way owen looks at her in this moment as.... amused (at her expense) and slightly condescending. like he thinks she's laughable. it fucking bothers me. which sucks because i wanna like them, i do. i think they could be compatible. but the way he treats her in canon is nauseating and i can't get behind it.

right, and then two fragments moments i wanna discuss

all i really wanna say here is again (as mentioned in my end of days talk), chibnall didn't specify owen crying or anything, but he spends his whole segment of this ep in tears. point is i wanna thank burn gorman for the way owen constantly is teary eyed and miserable, with those big pretty brown doe eyes of his. it means the world to me. thats all

actually it's not all cuz i also wanna point out jack grabbing owen to stop him instead of owen collapsing into tears and sobbing into jacks chest while jack holds him. the dead man walking script similarly didn't specify the physical touch between jack and owen in the three places it appears, so i imagine that was largely something decided by the actors... i'm very compelled by the three separate instances where we see owen attack jack one minute / at one point in the ep and then sob in his arms the next. their relationship is sooo unhealthy fff

[salaciousslut]

Done! Also do you have a favorite tequilla brand? Just curious! 🫣

Technically i have freckles all over my face but i only really count the ones that are darker and in a line under my eyes and over my nose, the other ones aren't prominent enough to call them freckles imo. And i'd feel more than lucky if you did worship me, sweetheart<3

I would love to take you to the gym with me, it honestly helped me with my depression as well! And of course i'd watch over you sweetheart<3 i wont lie, i love to go after dark bc theres less people. And i had the same problem but now i catch myself and try to stand straighter. I mostly lift weights when i work out so I know my posture improved due to needing to have a straight back to lift. Plus its super fun imo!! I miss the gym so bad but i hate going alone. I also miss feeling sore, im a bit of a masochist so i love feeling sore the day after working out🤭

Dont apologize for giving me info<3 organization's overrated anyway. Ive found that girls with glasses tend to be my type🫣 you literally sound so pretty sweetheart<3 i knew i wasnt wrong calling you a pretty princess<3 im kissing the tip of your nose and your forehead rn🥰 you are literally so cute, puppy coded too🥺 ive never had crawfish it seems yummy but im not sure if i should try it! Shrimp ceviche used to be my favorite but then i developed a shrimp allergy to uncooked shrimp and around 17 i had to call it quits bc it stopped being worth it to risk it. Im still pissed but at least i can still eat shrimp its just gotta be thoroughly cooked, not just get cooked through the acidity of lime juice like its sucks so bad i just miss ceviche so bad. Ohh just a butch latina and a pretty asian girl what ever will they do hehe<3 and i knew but not cause you told me 🫣 your dni made it obvious, like yeah im just now saying hey but ive been aware of you for a little bit now🫣 also please lemme be ur body pillow one day<3 savory is good!!! Whats your favorite kind of snack?

Also thats adorable, youre just a cute little puppy that has to get off once a day to function her best<3 i mean if i were stressed from school i'd probably need the same thing🤭

tbh im not too picky about my brands, as long as it gets me drunk, then im happy!! also tequila makes me take my clothes off oopsies i think i should warn u about that!! but if im buying for myself, i typically will get espolon bc i feel like its yummy and reasonably priced!

yes i love feeling sore after a workout!! i am also a bit of a masochist (omg who knew)!! but ive never lifted weights before. all the dude bros scare me and i feel like im always being judged but if we went together i know u would take care of me!! i like aerobics and like calisthenics (i had to google how to spell that word) and love yoga sm!! the burn of stretching feels amazing!!

hehe i am very puppy coded! i used to think i was more kitten coded but now ive grown and realized puppies are sooo fun!! so much energy and just wanna be cherished and loved!! which is everything i want!!

nooooo thats so sad that ur allergic to ur fav food :(( i love ceviche but at least u can still tolerate the cooked version. i know its not the same but its still something!!

ohhh i forgot that i put that in my dni, people are so weird about race here smh i just gotta cover all my bases so i can have fun on this website!! but aww we would look soooo cute together

im a sucker for chips. u know how they say all bi girls do is lie and eat hot chip? yeah all i do is eat hot chip hehehe. not so much lying but hot chip very much so. i also loveee chips and salsa and chicken wings and yeah all the fun savory stuff i guess!!!

hehe cumming is like a lil treat!! a reward for myself for being sooo good you know? but it would be a million times better if someone else was making me cum rather than myself 😳🫣

[griefabyss69]

directors commentary on acceptance and negation pls!

this dynamic is super hard to find in fics and you did it sooo well while keeping them in character!

Thank you so much!! Making the characters believable is like my #1 goal most of the time and this one was very heavy on situations that we definitely don't see in canon LMAO

Okay first of all - same! The "lost bet / rivals / begrudgingly super into this" dynamic is one of my favorite things to read and I also find it hard to find written properly. There's a needle to thread there for sure, and people often go too far one way or another (for MY tastes, this isn't a moral judgement).

Rivals to lovers is like catnip to me when done well - two people who are at odds with each other but obsessed enough to not just ignore each other, instead they perhaps concoct a little bet that ends with one of them cumming in their jeans, or something :' )

I think Steve and Eddie have a GREAT canon set up for this dynamic, and I know I've read it before and found it satisfying, though that dynamic resolved before they got to the sex. Even if you do a post-S4 Eddie lives, there's still plenty of rival potential!

So in this fic in particular, I had the theme (forniphilia) and a little tiny summary of an idea (I have them for my whole philia series, which is NOT how I usually write), and so I didn't just open a blank document and then get possessed for 7 hours and have this out of nowhere.

Usually I get a vibe/sliver of an idea/a sentence or a theme, and then I start writing and usually it flows in a satisfying enough way that I don't mind when it doesn't go how I initially thought it would, that's typical for me and how I do anything really. But I had to keep this on the rails!

Luckily those rails were for a train that's been living in me for longer than I've been writing for ST. When I started the paraphilia series the fics were all supposed to be short - it was mostly for a writing exercise type of thing, warm ups, etc. Buuuuut this one was written in two sessions, edited in another two, and turned out to be like 18K.

I don't use a word program that has a word counter, because that's distracting to me (my editing is done in one though, it lags too much for my typing speed anyway, I have an old laptop, but this set up works well enough for now), so sometimes I'll check on the wordcount. I remember checking this one at around 3K like 'alright! Better wrap it up!'.

Yeah.

I had a lot of fucking fun with this one, walking the tight rope of "okay they're horny as hell and this is getting unrealistic, but I'll keep the emotional/social thread of it properly done". And I imagine between two kinky ass people this kind of situation IS realistic, even when they're rivals!

This was honestly a really fun character exploration of a different kind of Steve than I usually write - a lot of my writing is an Eddie POV to begin with, but then either it's Steve being series or Steve being horny, not this. I think it's more well rounded, and usually I don't have him pushing his limits like this - in my head that's more of an Eddie thing to do, he's a bit of a thrill seeker - but in a situation where he has something bigger than just following what he wants to do, that's a good moment to discover some new shit about himself. Growth happens in a lot of ways, sometimes it's when you have to get on your hands and knees to your rival can use you as a footstool, you know how it is!

Steve's experience was a fun balance, including his struggle to keep from just giving into the easier feeling of believing Eddie's being kind when he has no real evidence of that - he's being smart tbh, whether he's right or wrong. Not letting himself fully sink into the experience even though it was so tempting, like a warm bath after a cold day. Getting a little sucked into the fuzzy space anyway, enjoying it despite everything. Lots for him to think about!!!

Another thing to balance was Eddie, how mean he was going to be, any potential consent issues - it's one thing to order a person around, another thing to bring sex into it - usually with this kind of limit pushing there's trust involved, talking beforehand, etc. But this wasn't like that, there had to be a progression that was really based on like, a few failsafes and trusting each other to not go too far. Then Eddie taking care of him while still ordering him around - that was obvious on purpose, both to the reader and to Steve - because otherwise Steve would've just left and while Eddie loves that he got to torment him and edge him and then watched him ruin his own orgasm by accident, that level of intensity can't just stop without a soft place to land.

I gotta say. The reception to this one definitely surprised me, I don't think I've had people asking for a sequel more than with this one - I gotta stick to my rule with it though, this was a one shot. I simply have one hundred million WIPs (around 50 now that I WANT to finish, and like 100 more ideas I hope to write… as unrealistic as that is). People have been SO nice and supportive in the comments on this one, both on the fic and then either in my inbox or DMs on here!

That doesn't mean I'm not exploring Steve and forniphilia in other fics though, I have a WIP that doesn't have the rival to lovers dynamic, it focuses more on the kink itself. Before writing Acceptance and Negation I knew I was kind of interested in exploring it, but knowing I have an interest and getting around to it are two different things, but writing this really helped me start with that!

But I do really hope to figure out this dynamic in another situation, maybe another paraphilia fic because rivals and kinky shit goes REALLY well together in terms of kicking up the tension. (In fact, Waves - the saliromania / spit fic - was going to be rivals, but I actually had that one started as it's own thing before I realized I liked it much better than the little summary I had for that kink. No regrets there, but there's plenty of room in my ideas for more rivalry!!!)

Okay this is long as HELL so I'm going to end it here before I start writing another thousand words!! Thank you again anon <3

[1d1195]

Sam never say sorry for responding late!! Also you literally mentioned how sick you felt!! Truly my message is the LEAST of your worries!! Gonna go a bit backwards here but I’m so sorry you got sick :( the fact that it’s a whole ass sinus infection is even worse 😭and the fact that you still went to your students game?! Bestie that’s very sweet and I have no doubt that it meant loads to him even if it’s not explicitly expressed ! Sucks it was definitely just poor timing! I’m glad it’s nothing too serious and you got meds to help! Also please take them as directed I beg😭 I have a huge fear of antibiotic resistance(I’m insane I know lol) and I tell everyone to take them properly 😭though hopefully you’ll be able to get some proper rest on your break! Hopefully you’ll be able to do some things for yourself! I’m happy you’re on your way to recovery!! 💕

I kinda love that you and your coworker take on the good/bad cop roles lol though I fear I may have to agree that you probably aren’t that mean lol as someone who also gets told I’m not that mean i understand how it may FEEL like your the villain!

It’s definitely understandable the need to make things personal! I don’t do group meet ups often if I haven’t seen people for a long time since I love one on one time! But idk maintaining adult friendships is difficult sometimes but I wouldn’t be so har don yourself especially when they don’t give even a fraction of the energy back! And as a fellow over thinker I know it’s hard!!

We LOVE tax refunds! Hope the nail appointment was fun!! I bet they look so cute! And I love when you dive into your ideas! If you’re passionate or if it feels right I feel like you should always go for it!! Also idk why I read it pookie EVERYTIME😭 I guess in my head it will always be that lol

I honestly don’t write reviews unless they are SOOO BAD!! Like I got to warn the people!!! Or if I really love them and there’s only been like 5 lol

And not the voodoo doll BAHAHA and thx for the kind words as always 😭💕

Omg ngl Liam is a good like “filler” name since I think it’s easy and like it doesn’t have too much a negative association unlike a Jake or Chad lol

Sometimes I WISH I you could just see my live reactions to your stories! Like they usually never make sense since they are typically gasps,screaming and/or crying lol and omg Sam you don’t even know the WEEK I’ve had and it’s not even over 😭 but despite life I WILL be reading your fics!!-💜

Everyone is really worried I won't take all my antibiotics. I hope I don't give off anti-modern medicine vibes 😭 I would NEVER not do what the doctor said. I get what you mean, I too am worried about antibiotic resistance. I literally was googling how do you make penicillin at home because I was like "if I ever DIDN'T have antibiotics I wouldn't make it" I seriously thought my head was going to explode😂 And yes, I had to go to his game. I love him too much for my own good hahaha he is VERY appreciative. He's a really good kid. I'd want one just like him if I could hand pick a teenager for myself.

I def gave myself a chill week. Maybe even too chill (although I did clean and got the pedicure!) Tbh the pedicure didn't come out as good as I hoped it would--the color and stuff looks fine. I feel like my cuticles could have been better but what are you going to do lol It's not like me an empathetic, people pleaser was going to say I disliked it 😂

I LOVE my coworker she's the BEST. We jive so well together and the kids love us (in my humble opinion). Honestly, I know I'm not mean, you're right it's def in my head. It's probs how my mom would feel when I was like "I want a 10th cookie" and she said no and felt like the worst mom in the world, you know? 😂

I really should heed that advice and just let some of these relationships fizzle. It was nice to see my friend. I think as introverted as I am, I do enjoy the company of my people but I also think I cling a bit to the past and miss the comfort of who they were for me when they were IN my life. Does that make sense? Like my friends from high school and college were SO important to me when we were in school and I miss the feeling of that. (Okay, Sam, that's called nostalgia 🤦🏻‍♀️) anyway. I feel like I hold those connections where some of my other friends didn't and that kinda makes me sad. I told you I have this weird fear of being forgotten (granted I'm the 1D friend and the potato friend so most everyone checks on me everything 1d related and sends me potato recipes when they see it lol).

WARN THE PEOPLE

I think Liam is one of my favorite names. JAKE OR CHAD. Chad is bad I am partial to Jake (long live my 3rd grade crush). But I get it, it's a tough name for some heheheh

I'm so sorry to hear your week was not good :( I hope the weekend has a better outlook. I adore you and appreciate you reading when you're going through it :( I wish I could see your live reactions too 😂 I would just love to give you a hug too 💕

[toastspirit]

ok this does suck though my only easily accessible safe foods at this point are. fruit snacks and white rice ;w;

wait I can just buy sushi rolls and pick out the cucumber lmao wait I’m totally going to do that

Carbs are actually Wonderful and the keto diet is meant for people with epilepsy 🙂✨✨🤩🦀 and wow it’s clear based on how I talk and write that my parents made me explain Literally Everything they didn’t understand (they don’t know a lot of things!!!) and picked me apart when I misspoke/wrote in any capacity ☠️

English major in engineer + accountant household was a choice of all time. Theatre + chorus kid in a massive family of athletes was an even bigger choice of all time. I am the baby of uh. Like well over 15 people who I’ve unfortunately all met.. Youngest child treatment to the max.

But I’m sticking with it~ my major is close to completion sooo I can always do~ another~ oooone. I can do media studies or anthropology cause those are my other favorite thiiiings. I don’t need to do any. Science. I. Don’t. Want. To.

And~ I don’t need to act~ unless~ the play~ looks~~ fuuuun…! I’m tired of dancing though. No more musicals for meeee…! Even though I can sing…! I don’t! LIKE. DANCING. Watching people dance is waaaaay more fun. :D

I do genuinely love telling people random facts though…! And then providing zero context~! I did only start doing that cause of my family mocking me but uh. It’s fun!!!

Did you know~ that that one discord server that formed its own language~~ has a better understanding of linguistics~~~ than all the fools that think shoving an “X” in a word makes it gender neutral. That’s…! Not. How. LANGUAGES. WORK. And. I. Am. Trans. It. Pisses. Me. Off. For. Multiple. Reasons.

Blorbo is a word. Pogchamp is a word. Chat (as a pronoun) is a word. Speedrun is a word (verb). If it’s commonly used and it has a clear meaning. It’s a word now. Congrats. Etymology is fascinating. If I don’t know a word. I look up the etymology. And that’s. How. I. Learn. To. Spell. Them.

I. Can’t. Read. The. International. Phonetic. Alphabet. But. Linguistics. Fascinates~ MEEEE~

:D I love a lot of subjects but uh being incapable of memorizing things.. and also math…. Kinda sucks ass.

Things I have been told to do:

Economics (one of my favorite subjects tbh. Money is fascinating to me. However, Econ word problems are Literally The Devil, and I HATE math. Kind of sad that I probably won’t take any Econ in college but like. My GPA lmao. Also I am incredibly anticapitalist. For several reasons.)

Computer science (I do like making games. I’ve made enough as a kid to know that they’re incredibly tedious. And again. I. Hate. Math.)

Government (boring as fuck no notes)

Anthropology (I did this of my own volition twice and it’s actually very fun. I love learning about culture and silly little people doing the same things everywhere~~~!!! The religion unit made me furious. Hey buddy. Can we not talk about mental illness like this. That’s actually not funny. Hallucinations are not funny and drug addiction killing tons of people is. Not. Funny. I laugh when I’m uncomfortable or scared. That didn’t seem like discomfort laughter to meeeee~~~)

History (boring as fuck. I do actually love reading ABOUT history. College history readings??? Soooo dryyy. I did some of my Congo readings because they made me feel terrible.. ugh the things I read about still haunt me ;w; not for the reasons you’d expect either..)

Law School (yeah so I actually can’t read for longer than fifteen minutes unless the text I’m reading fascinates me. I get bored veryyyy easily..! And getting cold-called makes me forget everything I’ve ever learned. ._.)

Acting (uh yeah I do love acting. I get anxious in my classes. I get anxious while I act. This sounds like an unpleasant combination..)

Media Studies (FUCK YEAH I didn’t know I could do that omg I love analyzing media of all types AND I make so much of my own????? HOOOOLY SHIIIIIITTT!!!)

Philosophy (I think I’d kick ass in a philosophy class. Again. I am veryyyy easily boooored. I like watching philosophy YouTube videos or reading random Wikipedia pages and articles cause at least they’re not dry as a piece of paper with words on it..)

Biology (I LOVE BIOLOGY OMG but I hate chemistry with the force of a thousand suns. Nope. Nope. Nope. I’m not taking biochem.)

Vet School (???????? I’m way too sensitive for that bro hell no. And I? Am? Terrified of needles????)

Medical School (bruh. what. I… no..!)

Physics (would sooner eat my desk thanks. Several reasons why this is the lowest grade I’ve received in any class. I didn’t listen at all and I didn’t give enough of a fuck to study that much..)

Chemistry (…? I refused to take AP Chem because it would have been too hard -_- why the fuck would I take more chemistry in college?!)

Music (I do love singing. I have played multiple instruments (mostly against my will). Can I read sheet music? ….i def forgot how to read some keys and anything outside of treble clef ;w; I was an alto for most of my life!!! No shit bass clef confuses me, I was suddenly taught how to sight sing in it with EXCLUSIVELY TREBLE CLEF EXPERIENCE???? BRO. PLEASE. I HAVE NEVER HAD TO KNOW THESE NOTES. JUST GIVE ME A TREBLE SIGHT READING ASSIGNMENT I WONT BE INSULTED I DONT know what I’m looking at. if I’m too tired (everyday of HS) I also! Cannot read sheet music! And it’s a lot worse than when I can’t focus on my readings..)

Graphic Design (fun! Not fun when it’s for clients ._. Non-artists don’t know shit about art but think they do.)

Psychology (genuinely fascinates me so much..! Yeah I need to take a psych class and like not drop it…! ;w;)

Sociology (I. Need. To. Take. More. And I have plenty of time~~~!!)

Genetics (fun! Too hard! I can’t remember all of these very similar sounding words.)

Sexuality/Gender Studies (OMG INWANT TO SOOO BADLY I DIDNT BECSUSE MY PARENTS ARE DICKS AHAJEJEKDJSJWJEJSJ. I took one already I just lied to them about it ^w^ they still mocked me cause it was an English class..)

I am good at. Many. Many. Subjects. But. I want to be a fucking English major. It’s my favorite thing ever. So. I. Will. Do. It. And maybe Anthropology idk how evil the rest of the anthro professors are… My last one was a horrible guy!!! Suicide and terrorism and religious extremism and colonization units were taught HORRIBLY by an old white man~~!! No!! Shit!!!

And I don’t say that I’m bad at math because I’m humble. I. Am. Just. Bad. At. It. I taught myself photosynthesis bisectors or whatever when I was in 9th grade. First of all: I was incredibly sick, I didn’t need to do that?? Second of all: ?????? WHY WOULD THAT MAKE ME GOOD AT COLLEGE BIOLOGY?????? LEAVE ME ALONE OMG I LOVE BIO BUT I WANT TO GET AN MFA IN CREATIVE WRITING OR MAYBE RESEARCH SOME CONTEMPORARY MEDIA THAT SPARKS JOY. IM NOT DESTROYING MY GPA FOR AN ELECTIVE….????????????????? Like damn I don’t actually need a perfect GPA. But there’s no reason to get a D for a class that will cause me to have constant meltdowns.

Omg I will never stop being pissed at my family for shaming me OUT of STEM then trying to shame me BACK into it. I remember when I gave up on my dreams and my brother and mom giggled. I wanted to be a scientist~~~ I wanted to be a zoologist and a botanist and a zookeeper and a veterinarian~~~. I both roleplayed constantly in Animal Jam and sat in the movie theatre watching the gecko song on loop until I could comprehend what they were saying.

And. I. Always. Wanted. To. Be. An. Author. I. Never. Lost. That. Dream.

YEAH. I GOT BETTER GRADES IN MY MATH AND SCIENCE CLASSES THAN MOST OF MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES. YEAH. I WAS ACCELERATED IN THEM. I ATTENDED GIANT PUBLIC SCHOOLS. YOU THINK. THAT. SHIT. IS. GOING. TO. WORK. IN. COLLEGE????????

They’re so. Fucking. Stupid. Not just ignorant. These assholes think. That I’m stupid. For not pushing myself hard enough. My. GPA. Is. Above a 4.0. Because. I. Stopped. Eating. And. Sleeping. To. Achieve. Perfection.

I am not a perfectionist. I was told that I was one. I remembered who I am. And I don’t. Care. When. I’m. Fucking. Wrong…! I know a lot of things very well. And I’ve learned so much shit well. So I know..! That in the humanities….!

THERE. IS. NEVER. ONE. RIGHT. ANSWER. I LOVE AMBIGUITY. I LOVE SPECTRUMS. THE HUMANITIES AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND HARD SCIENCES ARE. FULL. OF. THEM!!!!!!

God.

Next time my cousins ask “hey you’re not wasting all that tuition money” (STFU YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH FINANCIAL AID IM GETTING) I am. Telling them. In. Great. Detail. About. William. Shakespeare. And. I. Will. Ask. Them. Why. They’re. Too. Stupid. To. Understand.

It’s simple~~~ everyone knows that Two Gentlemen of Verona is a metaphor for how queer men will turn to sexism as a way to elevate their own status and mask their queerness to avoid persecution~~~ come on!! Why don’t you get it?? You’re studying computer science because you’re too scared to tell your parents that you DON’T WANT TO DO IT. What do you mean you dont understand why Ethiopia has so many languages?? Oh sorry, I must be wrong because I’ve never actually gone there? Sorry, I must be wrong?? Do you know how Anthropology AND Linguistics explains etymology? Aw. You don’t. Because you think these classes. Are. Too. Worthless. To. Take.

FUCK ALL OF THESE PEOPLE. I DONT LOVE MY FAMILY AS A GROUP. AND I DONT EVEN LIKE MOST OF THEM AS PEOPLE. I WOULD RATHER. SIT ALONE AND PLAY POKÉMON SWORD WITH MY HEADPHONES ON. THAN WATCH HAMILTON WITH THEM.

I have watched Hamilton. So. Many. Times. It’s. Not. Even. That. Fucking. Good. OMG just leave me alone!!! You’re all too loud and touch me TOO MUCH!!! I don’t want to watch the lion king EVER AGAIN!!! I would rather watch Inside Out 2!!!!! The Barbie movie is really well written!! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TALKING DURING IT. I would rather rewatch Across the Spiderverse for the eighth time or whatever even though it causes me SIGNIFICANT head pain!!!!! I got migraines every single time I watched this movie!! And I didn’t care!!! The story is enthralling and the animation is BEAUTIFUL and I love seeing little details in the background. ANSJAJWKAJSS

.-. ahhh…. a h h h h h h h h

It feels nice to be a hater.

I think hatred is the only way to have whimsy in your heart, these days. -_- Ugh. I’m a little freak (very asexual about it) and I don’t. Care!!! I licked windows and shoes and the floor and myself in middle school and I still eat food off the floor because..! I’m usually just too lazy to make more honestly.. -_- and my family shames me for literally every food choice I make. I eat nothing but pineapple. “:/ you’re not eating it fast enough” I eat half of a bowl of fried rice “._. Why didn’t you finish it all..” I eat a couple slices of ham and turkey “._. Why aren’t you eating all of this food. You. Guy who’s smaller than both of us. Why can’t you eat as much as us??”

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. I am my own person. I am shorter than my entire family (probably malnutrition thanks guys) and either a little sleepy or so energetic that I want to run around outside at 5am ._. I can’t do that because my ankles are genuinely fucked and it hurts too much and it’s too slippery outside. Makes me sad honestly ;w; I want to run again…!!! Running down the slope was so fun until my ankles and ribs couldn’t take it anymore. Tape flattens my chest but it’s too damn itchy.

I want to climb trees again and I want to swim again and I want to walk around outside and watch the fat squirrels fighting over nuts and I want to watch a hawk hunting said squirrels and there’s so many fun things I stopped doing! AAAWJAJAJWJSJSJWJWJ….!!&&&&:&:8383&2 seeing that blue jay while walking back to my dorm was such a nice memory.. the world had become so dull and colorless. And it was. So. Blue!!!! It made me so happy!!!!!! Seeing those squirrels in fall chasing each other made me so happy!!!! I love staring at sculptures and paintings and reading their captions and figuring out what the artist FELT while they made it. I don’t need to grind my entire life!!! I don’t want to be rich and I don’t want to take care of my parents just cause they’re not saving enough for their retirement. I WANT TO LIVE…!!! I CANT LIVE A LIE……!!!!!!! MASKING MAKES ME WANT TO DIIIIIEEEE!!!!! I’m autistic and have ADHD and. I. Think. That’s. Actually. Very. Cool. My. Parents. Are. Ableist. And. My. Dad. Is. An. Ableist. Whose. Family. Is. INCREDIBLY. FUCKING. AUTISTIC. LIKE. COME ONNNN. There were ten of you in one generation. I have my own sample size to pull data from. And you kept telling me “noooo you’re NORMAL 🥹🥺🥺🥺 pls don’t go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and don’t ask why I know these words and don’t ask about your childhood medical history btw”

I thought about running away from home all the time for a reason. But I was smart enough to knoooow I would get retuuuurned and I had no one to protect meeeeee :))))

[rieliferia]

dear diary... 11 ♡ 03 ♡ 24

" her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high. " -william goldman

0917 it's like everything gets more interesting when i'm not there... if you don't like me just say it

also i think altoids wallets are very neat i want one too but i have no idea what to even use it for bcuz my normal wallet holds up just fine. maybe i'll find old containers and tins to turn into little character shrines

1118 i love dti!!!! the concept of dress up games has always fascinated me so much and it's really fun to make different stuff on there :p at runway queen right now n i really want vip to make my stuff much better. i can buy the robux if i wanted to but i still have problems with the online cash app and stuff sooo not now

1522 got milktea!!!!! saved this boring ahh day tbh it's so good it's just the regular one we get from nearby but it's sooooo!!!!!! i think the one i got today was just a bit too sweet for my liking but i think that's just a temporary thing who knows

1858 absolutely hate loud environments (˃̣̣̥ᯅ˂̣̣̥) i am NOT a fan. everything is just too noisy and messy and euerghhhh can't there just be like one sound or two not 12 different stuff going on around me like just being around groups of people is such a bother so i always keep earphones with me to atleast try drowning out the sound

2231 going through drawing bootcamp these past few days ( -_•)╦̵̵̿╤─ like it's not necessarily practice everyday more like. fun drawing then practice!!!!!! aaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!! but anyways i drew some oc stuff earlier and briefly tried figure drawing right after which sucked absolute ASS. i feel coerced into doing box drawing bootcamp now so i can idk. draw the body or something i don't understand how people do that but a lot of youtubers explain it really oddly and i can't catch on as easily so that's not fun. maybe it's just because it's getting late and i'm not geared well enough to process visual information so tmrw i'll maybe!!!!! do something i think

and now eyelids are heavy again. see you tomorrow

love, r ♡

[gaybd1]

How did that relationship with a mutual end?

okay sooo SUPER sorry if they end up finding this (they wont but still) and also im sure they NEVER think about it anymore but like i said this is tragically the only relationship i was in and i was SUPER in love lol

idk how much of this i shared before but im just gonna be super honest about it even if it makes me sound really bad but i was like... 21 at the time? lol

but here's the drama (be careful, it gets a little triggery with like. consent and stuff)

So I fell fast and hard in love, right. High school and college were SUPER rough for me so I think I was just glad to get attention from ANYONE even if it wasnt gonna be a perfect fit???

distance is never easy. from the getgo we lived like 5? hours away from each other and i was the only one driving (way too often) to go see them. i went like every weekend even though i had classes and homework and exams and stuff. My friends were telling me I was so dumb and I was like nooooo it's fine

ALSO okay so they were like in the middle of recovering from a major eating disorder and my friends were also like "hey this is like a bad time for you both to be doing a relationship then?" and i was like NAHHHHHH but also they were super private about it and it like never came up AT ALL and so

their dad made them move home like a month into our relationship so they could continue their recovery (totally fine and normal move right??) but i was like THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL and so i used a credit card to buy them a flight back over to spend a weekend with me ooooof

even then like there were some issues like it was the first time my friends met them and they were all "nah this sucks" and they were like super disrespectful to my friends and i just laughed it off

this is also the first time consent issues came into play like we LOVED making out lolllll but tbh it was all i was even interested in bc the medication ive been on my whole life kills my libido (this is WAY TMI IM SO SORRY) BUT we were messing around and they decided to give me a huge visible hickey in a place i had sAID i was totally uncool with

but it was totally fine right? because i loved them lollllllll

things were already also kind of weird here bc i was like "uh i think im a boy actually would u still love me" and they were like "i think im a girl actually but also a lesbian" and then we jUST KEPT MAKING OUT????

also they like... made me introduce them to my family??? when i was totally not ready for that and while we both IDed as nonbinary we definitely came across as a lesbian couple which i was NOT prepared to deal with my family about

i introduced them as a friend but they were super touchy and clingy and possessive and my mom was like 'oh so you're dating' and it was actually the worst most embarrassing thing ever

okay i know this is getting long but anyway they went back home again and heres where it gets REALLY spicy

im planning to present at this conference with my mom in another city and it's kind of a huge deal for us. i get a call from [ex] that their dad is going to [I don't remember the word for it but it's when you can legally send someone to a psych hospital against their will because it's for their own good] and MY DUMB ASS was like IT'S OKAY IM GOING TO BUY ANOTHER FLIGHT TO GET YOU OUT OF THE STATE AND COME HERE TO MY CONFERENCE

so lol that happened

we got a hotel that night! uhhhhhhh more MAJOR CONSENT ISSUES and tbh we're both at fault because i could have done a MUCH better job communicating what i was feeling but yeah basically Trauma happened to me

OKAY HERES THE KICKER. I THEN DRIVE THEM SIX HOURS TO ANOTHER CITY to fly out bc that's where they wanted to fly out from????

we said our 'i love you's and 'bye's

they called me THAT NIGHT and said 'hey lets take a break' and i NEVER HEARD FROM THEM AGAIN LMAOOOO

like was that probably the best thing for both of us YEAH but BOY i cried for days and i knew it was because of the sex lolllllll ANYWAY SO THERES THAT STORY

[jakowskis]

im SO pissed i didnt listen to believe for a fucking year bc i heard bad things about it. im never listening to anyone else's opinions again cuz THAT WAS BRILLIANT. THAT WAS EVERYTHING I WANT OUT OF TORCHWOOD i mean it was still a bit shit highkey but it was EXACTLY what i want out of this garbage show. sooo fucking season one core (aka my fav) all sorts of dark horrific connotations and unhealthy dynamics but no emotional weight or responsibility xD once again i cannot tell if the writer was even fucking AWARE of a lot of the things he was implying but what i interpreted as being implied is making me fucking tear up the floorboards im. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

that was so cynical and bitter and awful and miserable and edgy and shitty ITS EVERYTHING I WANTED. i love torchwood being goofy i do but what draws me into the show and the reason it's become one of my most, uh, aggressive hyperfixations ever (which is ridic btw) is cuz its FUCKED UP AND UNHAPPY and that? was fuuuuucked. obsessed.

cult leader jack cult leader jack cult leader jack U DONT UNDERSTAND IT MAKES ME RABID and they ran with it i. stick figure violence stick figure violence. feeling rabid. AND HIS FUCKING SPEECH AT THE END. DOES HE KNOW??? hes so fucking deluded I LOVE IT. ITS FASCINATING he thinks hes good.... he thinks hes good... hes aware n he feels responsible and yet he doesnt SEE he doesnt see he thinks hes doing his best. NOOO it had the be intentional literally "jack tell us what that was about" "later lol" "sure yeah always later" and then hes like "YOU HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY" GRRR JACK. JACK. also faith n believing.... ianto's trust. ianto's trust. you believe me like a god FUCK MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEE

jack always being five steps ahead + being 10x more competent than the team always makes me fucking roll my eyes but at this point i just kind of perceive it as the way tw constantly paints him as a deity figure. he can do no wrong

GWENS CYNICISM. TORCHWOOD BREAKING HER. TORCHWOOD BREAKING HER!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK it's toxic... it's toxic... this job gets inside you THIS JOB GETS INSIDE YOUUU. torchwood thesis statement: this job fucking breaks you.

FINALLY some good fucking tosh x owen food. DONT GET ME WRONG THAT WAS FUCKING AWFUL but that was sooooooo much more compelling than the fucking bullshit that canon gave us. owen being a toxic abusive fucking manchild + doing smth bad enough to tosh that she FINALLY went "wow THATS the man im obsessing over" like g-d i would've killedddd for that to happen in the show i HATE that she wasted herself on him. i hate it. her disgust and anger at him was so THERAPEUTIC for me 😭 idk what it says about me that the way i was grinning when they were arguing n bitching at each other was probs the closest ive ever gotten to actually shipping them HFKJDSF theres smth wrong w me. i just think s2 tosh is too fucking sweet and good and probably naive and i think owen could so easily fuck her up, like i don't think there's a world where he wouldn't hurt her tbh, and i don't want that to happen i adore her too much. like i don't think he's irredeemable, i ship him w other characters who i think could handle him, but i don't think tosh could, and that was validation of that opinion, you know? i'd be more willing to ship them if tosh was firm with him and didn't let him walk all over her, and it sucks that she didn't do that and got herself hurt and THATS what it took to make her call him tf out and tell him how much he sucks. ig a lot of why towen bugs me sm boils down to the fact that im not comfortable shipping someone who's kind of awful with someone who idealizes them and doesn't seem to grasp the scale of how bad they are. that's a recipe for an unhealthy dynamic and if i didn't like tosh i might be intrigued by it ngl HFSKDF but thats my babygirl and the idea of putting her thru Being With Him disgusts me. she deserves better until he gets his fucking shit together. which he never does and she never gets to have something good bc she was waiting for his shitty ass lmao YAYY!!

owen was AWFUL in that btw. and i adored him in it. my fav owen is an owen who's spiraling and destructively fixated on something for selfish purposes to the point that he doesnt care who he hurts to accomplish it. he's so villain coded fhsdkfjdsk he redeems himself in the show and i love that but the audios further explore the fact that he's got such a darkness to him he SO EASILY can be pushed into destroying everything. hes constantly on the precipice of monstrosity and cruelty bc of his own hurt. it's like hes so full of rot it leaks out of him and infects others and he hates it but he cant help it. i will never get over the doctor with poison fingers oh he makes my heart ache. he's just so misguided. he's so broken.

which brings us back to jack's speech. (him talking to the cult leader lady) "They were broken, and you were the person they turned to for help. If you don’t accept their problems, then don’t offer yourself as a solution." literally im gonna think about this for months. HE DOESNT SEE!!!!!!!!!

g-d and ianto's orientation or whatever. that was Fantastic ianto insight. he's so much more interesting when he's away from jack it's almost impressive.

i am just. gdddddddddddddddddddddddd. i am so distraught. help meeee

[mellow-worlds]

Honestly I could do it right now. I just don't want to kms before I meet my friends again because that would really suck for them. Imagine I survive and they then learn I wanted to kms before meeting them LMAO. I couldn't do that. I guess I'll do it after all of them literally leave the country. yay. I hope no one feels too bad because of it. It'll be alright, they'll get over it. Gosh I hope I die.

Still I somehow can't shake the feeling... maybe surviving would be nice? Getting a lot of attention? I mean I wouldn't want that from my family, I'd hate that, tbh. SO much. SOOO much. But I'd like it if some people I know knew I survived a suicide attempt... the happy girl. the one that always smiled and laughed a lot. She tried to kill herself.... I also like the idea of people thinking that when I die, but then I wouldn't get to feel that. I want to experience it. Not pity, but I want... people to think about me? I want... I want... I want people... I want them to uh idk... what do I want? I want them to be sad for a little while and then forget. I don't want anyone to feel responsible, there's nothing anyone could've done. I just feel like this and somehow have for a long time. it's ok though. I want this. I don't want people to make too big of a deal out of it. They shouldn't have to talk about it too much. They shouldn't really directly address it. I mean, they're going to talk about it, but I don't want to be every conversation's topic, that'd be stupid. How do I want people to feel about it? I think I'd like them to feel bad for me. I want them to think about how I always was so happy. The happy one. The one who always smiled and laughed a lot. I want them to wonder. I mean, probably, some of them will feel some sort of guilt. I guess a little is ok, as long as they don't start feeling too guilty. Like I said, this is nobody's fault. Gosh I'm so glad I can finally say that I'll kill myself :D

Maybe I don't have to kill myself. Do I just want attention? I didn't even think about that half an hour ago, why am I thinking about that now? It's a nice plus? Omg I'm so desperate. So mean. So pathetic. I like to hurt people, don't I? Do I? Hhhh. I just want to be loved. But to be honest, would anybody be able to express love for me in such a way that I believed them? In such a way that I could feel satiated? Hmm... I don't think so. See, all of this is my fault.

What if I told someone I wanted to kill myself? Would they believe me? What kind of attention would that bring me? Would I want that kind of attention? They probably wouldn't believe me. Maybe I should go to a psychiatric hospital? Maybe that would... bring me attention...... I'm so embarrassed to say that. But... idkkkk is it what I want? is it? I kind of do love silent attention so much. The sort where I know that people are thinking about me a lot and that I come up in conversations behind my back but I don't really have to deal with it directly. I'm such an asshole... Would my friends miss me? Would they? Would anyone? I mean... I know everyone would be better off without me, so ig in the long run they won't miss me. Do I want them to miss me? Honestly, at this point, I don't know. Guess I'll never find out.

Do I really hate life that much? I don't. I just hate myself. I hate myself. I'm sorry anybody had to witness my existence. Even my mother. Especially my siblings. Especially my friends. My dad :(

But I'll die :)

[apopcornkernel]

tbh I'm still very much a believer in scaramouche's assessment of her, let me just pull out the quote for reference

“A wolf in sheep's clothing. To exert a higher level of control over people, she puts on a graceful and cordial front. Most of those who have seen her true, crazy self... have gone poof.” [Wanderer: About The Knave]

don't have much to contribute regarding her motive but I'm really interested in how she treats the children, based on lyney & lynette's pov and scaramouche's pov i have in my head this arlecchino who adopts a sort of kind persona to people, who positions herself as a sort of savior to the orphans so that they feel indebted to her for life, and she's caring in that she provides for them and keeps them fed and clothed

but i like to think even that is a little bit conditional. like, if you do better in training you might get to eat first == if you suck at it you get to the table last and there might be nothing left for you

i'm just enamored with arlecchino being so so nice but at the same time it feels wrong. her smile feels pasted on. no one has ever seen her angry. no one alive, that is.

OH and as for the orphans tight bonds with each other. well, the line quite interestingly says with each other, not with arlecchino 👁️ taking into account how i perceive arlecchino, i feel like the children definitely pick up on this hidden implied menace beneath her stoic kindness. there's just something wrong that makes them afraid to step out of line, so they band together even more closely in fear,,,, bonded by trauma ✨

and the "create more orphans for the hearth" ohhh my god . yeah that line also made my mind run wild bc the cruelty of it is sooo delicious. it makes me think that some of the orphans in the hearth must be orphans bc of arlecchino... imagine after they fuck shit up in another natjon they take home the children left parentless and raise them to be sleeper agents for the hearth instead goddddd that is so so evil if that's the case, i love her

also I really want people to talk more about the house of the hearth and arlecchino. like, what even is arlecchino’s goal in running an institution that takes in orphans to be trained as weapons? like ok, they’re some kind of military school/house that feeds into the fatui pipeline, but how does arlecchino feel about this entire business/how does she rationalize it (give us some fucked up reasoning please <3). lyudochka/gendou ringo said she studied inazuman affairs because she has inazuman heritage—do they just sort people into tracks based on some kind of ethnic ancestry calculation??? their supervisor wanted to cause chaos/war between watatsumi and inazuma AGAIN, partially so that the fatui could take advantage of the situation, but also because that would create more orphans to feed into the house of the hearth. so it’s definitely fucked up, but all the orphans there seem to have incredibly tight bonds with each other (besides that the tsaritsa always comes first) so. what is arlecchino’s motivation to run this thing. how does she feel about rescuing orphans and giving them a place to eat sleep and live but at the same time training them with utmost loyalty to country and state. like even in a winter night’s lazzo she mentions not wanting to “make the children cry”………….. does she mean the house of the hearth? does she care about these kids????? like genshin pls lay out the thought process to me no matter how fucked up it may be I will take it all