#ive lot all ive ever known
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care
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thank you for the tag @fxreflyes this is so cute, except the format is trying to hinder my propensity to ramble, so i’ve rectified this in the tags lmao
i’m over 5'5 / i wear glasses or contacts / i have blonde hair / i often wear sweatshirts / i prefer loose clothing over tight clothes / i have one or two piercings / i have at least one tattoo / i have blue eyes / i have dyed or highlighted my hair / i have or have had braces / i have freckles / i paint my nails / i typically wear makeup / i don’t often smile / resting bitch face / i play sports / i play an instrument / i know more than one language / i can cook or bake / i like writing / i like to read / i can multitask / i’ve never dated anyone / i have a best friend i’ve known for over five years / i am an only child
no pressure tags for @static-radio-ao3 @inevitablestars @itsjaywalkers @carniferous @orbitfalls @transsexualpriest @futurequibblerjournalist <333
#i'm like 5'7 i think. fun fact i used to wear glasses when i was like 11 bc all my friends were getting glasses and i wanted some too so i#lied to my optician. lol good times. don't actually need glasses tho soooo.#this is me coming out as a natural blonde guys….. like my hair hasn’t been blonde in a good year or so and it hasn’t been my natural blonde#in like three/four years but still in my heart of hearts i identify as a blonde. like i get confused when people don't count me as one#i have my ears and nose pierced and i would love a tattoo but unfortunately i have both a fear of needles and commitment issues so.#not sure if that’ll ever happen… would be very hot and sexy tho. also i'm one of those freaks with green eyes lol it's appaza quite rare#my hair is currently like dark dark brown… have been getting the itch to dye it again tho like a kinda reddish colour idk yet we’ll see#i had braces for AAGES. i have freckles in the summer and i paint my nails whenever i remember to. rn they’re a very chipped lilac colour#i think i have a resting bitch face but i can never tell tbf like it might be more of a resting 'dead to the world' face lmao#okay technically i don’t play an instrument anymore! but in the past i’ve dabbled with the cello the oboe and the xylophone. singing too#spanish and italian baybee although ig if this means like fluently then that’s not me but this is literally my degree it’s my whole brand#yes i like to read but also the only things ive read in like the last few months have been either books in spanish/italian for my degree#literary criticism for said span/ital books and… fanfic. so. also i like writing but it's my worst enemy rn the thoughts aren't working :(#i have many best friends that i’ve known for years!!!! in fact i've known some of my friends for like my entire life it's very cute#okay sorry for rambling i can never help myself and i also literally could go on icl like there was Some restraint applied here#kara lore#bc there's quite a lot of it in this one lol#tag games
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i am once again apologizing for my lack of activity/responsiveness
my childhood cat passed away a few days ago which has just been more stuff on top of everything else for me to deal with to stress me out and upset me
i'll try to get back to stuff. Eventually. as soon as i can</3
#mar.txt#still very much upset about losing him,but it's kind of faded for numbness now#still not holding up great though especially considering how sudden it was#he was all fine and healthy and then just suddenly started to rapidly go downhill and within like. two days he was gone#he was so weak. couldn't move almost at all,his meows were barely just meow-sounding exhales. the last two things he did were#getting my attention so i would come to him,then attempted to crawl onto my lap and despite me being less than a foot away he couldn't make#it. so i brought him onto my bed on my lap with me. and then at some point later after another sudden onset of diarrhea (which seemed to#take absolutely all of his remaining strength) and i'd brought him back to my bed after cleaning the poop off of him he got my attention to#move his head so he could look up at me. and that's how he passed. looking up at me.#despite everything,he was purring. so weak and faint i could hardly feel it,but. he was purring,maybe until the moment he finally passed.#he was obviously suffering. and we couldn't afford to get someone to put him down so we just did what we could for him.#i'm glad that,at least,he was happy in his final moments. he wanted to be with me and i'm glad i could give him that. i HAD needed to go out#that day but i opted to stay home because i was worried he'd pass while i was gone. sure enough if i had gone out he would have.#i'm glad i could give him the comfort and company he wanted in his final moments. i'm glad i made him happy enough in them to purr even#despite how weak he was. i'm glad he didn't pass alone and possibly in pain.#ive lost a lot of pets in my life. but amos? he's only like. three years younger than me? we practically grew up together. ive known him his#entire life. no amount of being told it hurts to lose a childhood pet will ever compare to the reality of it happening.#i buried him outside my window. so he's close to home.#vent post? i guess?
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Girl (gender neutral) help I saw Hadestown and now I'm having fic ideas
#the whole “id go to the ends of the earth for you” is such a classic for fics#and theres the potential for lots of juicy angst#im thinking... maybe icemav?#not written them before but 👀#i feel like all ive ever known has big mav vibes as a song#hmmmm#ellie rambles
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i know i've been letting threads sit and pile up and there's a lot of starters that i haven't replied to yet so i just want to say — i enjoy and am excited to write with everyone! even with people i only have a few or maybe even 1 thread with! even if i take forever to reply, even if you are waiting for me to reply to our one thread or even to reply to the starter you posted. even if we don't talk much or at all! i am excited, i promise! no matter how long the wait is! i don't ever want anyone to worry that oh maybe she doesn't really want to write with me because i do, i really do! i mean this genuinely for every person i am following so if we're mutuals then i mean this about you
#this isn't prompted by anything other than my not wanting people to worry. i haven't been writing a lot ans have been writing very out of#order. i know we all deal with various anxieties and whatnot so sometimes its helpful to just put it out there even if its known. now you#know again! and if you're ever worried or unsure why i haven't replied really pls come talk to me#chances are im just busy but also maybe discussing it will help spark a really good idea! and i'll get back to it asap!#idk i just dont want ppl to worry idk idk. love you all!#a little reminder is helpful sometimes i think#okay goodnight ive had a very exhausting few weeks sorrys loves#THERE'S A LOT OF BEAUTY IN ORDINARY THINGS — ooc
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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#… vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but I’ve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like that’s not happening this friendgroup isn’t sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and it’s a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college I’ll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlier… I’m planning on studying abroad next semester (that’s the application I’m procras#inating rn lol) and I’ll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess that’ll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I won’t let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesn’t help but still.#well… actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different way… it’s gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then it’s a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I can’t hold a conversation for the life of me#and now there’s. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (… sure) that that’s gonna go the same way. and I’m not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think it’ll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and it’s proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#… okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#… I need to go to sleep it’s late I’m sure that’s why all these feelings are being brought up… ’I’m fine’ as great role model siffrin says#… but it doesn’t feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that I’m actually a note in someone’s story#I know it logically everyone I’ve ever known is part of me but it’s so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay I’m gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but that’s not a good idea I don’t think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. I’m great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#… this wasn’t supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
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Literally nobody will ever find out how much art I make it's fucking crazy like. So many doodles so many hours upon hours of working on something only to never show the product to anyone so many works in progress that will never get finished so many sketches and ideas and doodles inspired by songs and videos and drawings of friends or friends ocs or things based of what in reading or watching or listening to- did you know i draw something every single day? Even if it's just warm ups or a silly doodle in the margins it's *something*
The sheer amount of art on my procreate could likely fill up several sketch books worth of sketches and doodles and finished peices and half done, only inked, only colored, half rendered peices. It would be like. At least twenty sketch books haha
Anyways I'm sorry?? I guess??? I want to share but so much of it Is basically nothing to everybody because my OCs are mine!!! You can hear about them but you will never see them!!! I have about 20ish OCs and when divided into (uneven) thirds they each have their own story and plotline and characteristics like. I might just make all my canvases (filled with a horrible mistake of sketches and finished peices) each a number so y'all can ask about them on any of my blogs ( @gascansposts @screaming-at-all-times )
This was mostly inspired by just. So many thoughts. Apologies for the unauthorized content we'll get back to standard broadcasting soon!
#ughhh i just needed that out of my system#i feel worse?#about the same really#but like seriously ive made so many dnd characters that all fit into the same world ALING with a toy universe called “Storybook” AND my ocs#simon and jayus to forever be together in friendshop love sex whatever for forever and ever and ever because ive had thek for years and they#are nothing without the other they are both so impotant to eachothers growth#and then theirs the aspects- which are all me but slightly to the left or right depending on how i feel and HOO BOY are there a lot of aspec#and of course all the art i make for the various fandoms or for ky friends or of friends ocs and stories and!!! art is literally me#if i dont make something i explode and have a breakdown#its unhealthy#its all ive ever known#if i ever stop assume im dead (i probably am)#smiles speaks
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2 days to graduation. i can’t help but feel as though i’ve been pretty significantly missing out on something i didn’t know that i wanted until now
#got together at a friends house to watch the real madrid game today and its the only occasion in which ive spent like concerted time outsid#of a school thing while sober with a bunch of straight guys my age. and it was nice. and all of the people there were at the party i was at#last night too and anyway i cant help but wish that one i had had male friends leading up to this point but i also wish something couldve#ever happened to me romantically. bc the guy whose house i went over to is the one who i have a crush on and hes currently involved with#this other girl. and so nothings gonna happen and i probably wont see him over the summer bc we’re not friends like that and hes going to#college on the other side of the state. and anyway theres all these things and people who i know im gonna miss in college but theres a lot#more who im gonna miss what they represent. social connections. parties#a sense of not being left out or alone because really its not that ive felt left out this whole time. ive had a relatively good high school#experience. but im being introduced to all these things all this social world just as its ending. i wish i had known i wish life didnt work#like this. and dear god i wish i couldve kissed someone last night#txt#🚙
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google am i on the aro spectrum or am i just a teenager
#ideal partner: someone i can flirt with and do romantic things with but most importantly we just hang out and talk about our hyperfixations#ik a lot of ppl say that your partner should also be your best friend but idk i just dont want the whole established relationship aspect#boy asks me do u love me and im like hell yeah bro we r good buddies . boy asks are you in love w me and i short circuit#google help i am yearning so bad but i dont want a partner i just want to meet someone my age who i actually enjoy the company of#we can do Romance Things for fun but thats not the point. the point is reblogging each others posts on tumblr#i think this is just a result of my elementary school years being so lonely like i never had a friend for more than a year#and even the friends i did have we were never close at all#the longest real friend ive had and consistently talked to ive still only known for like almost 2 years#which is a lot. for me. but the concept of just . any sort of commitment even just in friendship is still so foreign to me#and yeah it would help if ive ever actually had a serious crush on someone that i was sure wasnt just a hyperfixation#but that hasnt happened yet and idk at what age i should finally just label myself and stop waiting for it to happen
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oh btw we leave TOMORROW which means i can be home to make story posts n see my kitties finally!!!!!
#i miss them soooo much#this has been the least relaxing vacation ever#thank god nobody planned anything today bc i am not leaving this airbnb til we have to leave tmrw#im grateful we even have the chance to go on this vacation bc it has been a lot of fun too#but soooo stressful and ive gotten sick every day since we got here#bc we’re in the car driving down mnts all day ;-;#i just miss being at home#oh and now my bf is talking about getting transferred to CO office for work so we can live here instead lmaooooo#which tbh i would NOT be mad at all if we moved to colorado! but i would probably be bedridden for a few weeks 😭#but hey thats what the legal weed is here for#either way i did have fun! im just so exhausted now and i miss my house. but im happy i got 2 experience life here#it is soooooo so so so different to louisiana like i cannot express this enough. im shocked this state exists#when all ive known my whole life is bumfuck LA. it is just so cool to see how much more the usa can offer!!!#makes me feel like less of a doomer aha
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I was on the wikipedia page for phobias just for fun but just discovered theres an actual word for a fear of being touched.. 🥹
#haphephobia.... and they list guts from berserk under pop culture references 😢😢😭😭 thats my guy....#not gonna lie i teared up a bit i didnt realise it 'counted' as an actual phobia#i find it really difficult to talk abt but i have a complicated relationship w touch/physical contact (likely trauma babeyy)#and while i do crave it a lot i also have a very physical reflexive fear response especially if its intentional + i dont expect it#which can sometimes even get triggered just being in proximity to ppl bc like. even the possibility sets me on fucking edge#it would be nice to be as physically affectionate as i naturally want to be without dealing w my fight/flight/freeze but alas#its weird bc there are some random situations where it doesnt get triggered at all but its so unpredictable every time#and varies wildly person to person for seemingly no reason. there r strangers im innately more comfortable with but also friends ive known#for years and will never be comfortable around. i think part of that depends on how strongly the other person communicates and whether-#i feel as if theyre demonstrably able to respect boundaries not just mine but their own too + understand theyre not always fixed#ideally i need to have had this conversation with them so i Know they understand. which is rly difficult i find it so hard to admit#and i have a complicated mental block where i need the other person to naturally bring it up which very very rarely ever happens#idk just an atmosphere of safety yknow. i think its intentional touch that specifically makes me panic bc im usually fine w like-#bustling crowds or even expected social rules like handshakes at interviews. bc its not like they're Trying To Touch Me its just rote idk#hopefully eventually ill reach a place where im able to unpack it and reduce its severity bc man sometimes its fucking heartbreaking to me#bc i do genuinely really like physical contact im an incredibly physical person its my main way of interacting w the world#and the way having to force myself to avoid it meshes w my rsd too augh.... its a clusterfuck#even just having one person im completely comfortable with. maaaaan.#almost makes me miss my ex. at least i was mostly cool around them#god its sucked lately ive been having weird vivid dreams related to it. but whatever its so far down my list of problems to prioritize#and at least i dont get it w my familys dog so i can cuddle her :^) i miss her i cant wait to see her next month :D#anywayyyy thats enough im so tired goodnight every1...#.diaries
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i am Now crying for a 6th time over trigun maximum
knives... making sure vash survives... and using the last of his life to create new growth
Meryl and Milly back again, but this time as Broadcasters, pressuring the 6 months disappeared Vash into showing up on TV
and vash, hair basically completely black, no more angel powers left in him, is now just... living his life. having fun again.
He's Vash the Stampede, and his ticket to the future is blank
it got to me. it really did.
#speculation nation#fanny reads trigun#trigun spoilers/#after all the pain and loss and suffering. there is hope.#many people dead. the scars of the world lasting. and new tensions introduced.#but there is hope for the future. and vash the stampede lives on.#still a wanted fugitive. even after everything. but so very loved by everyone he's ever known#and livio at wolfwood's grave... the rest of the orphanage returned...#wolfwood's final resting place really is the place he called home#oh nooooooooooo im gonna make myself CRY AGAIN#and.. yea im crying again. guess that makes 7#trimax just had to really knock it outta the park with making me feel emotions#god this is like. genuinely one of the best manga ive ever read#and ive read a lot of manga.#i think it's doubtlessly part of my now top three#nabari no ou and no.6 have long been tied for my fav mangas. and now trigun is a third.#the mangas that have hurt me deep in my soul. but rebuilt it again.#trigun maximum is just... everything. it's Everything. i love it so so so so SO much
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dude, I'm white, skinny, and I was blessed by my mommy with an hour glass body
I do not pass.
the only times my friends have genuinely thought I was a cis guy was seeing me from BEHIND, where they couldn't see my face, chest, and my baggy dysphoria hoodie hides my waist. I turn around and my friends see my feminine face, hear my shrill girlish voice and the illusion shatters. actually, BECAUSE I am white and skinny people see MORE as a girl
has anyone even SEEN how CIS men are treated for being skinny??? race plays a factor into how people are treated yes I do not and cannot deny that, but if a person is trans, regardless of any of their other demographics, it's a straight shot to the bottom of the social hierarchy
“queer people need to get weirder”
yall cant even respect trans men
#I had more to say but im gonna be real#I just repeated myself and I realized I started to sound a lot like an Oppression Olympics competitor#OP please lemme know if anything I said isnt appropriate for the conversation#I like barely actually contribute to this kinda convo and I have only been an observer so#not very good at like. guaging the convo??#idk I gotta participate a bit before I understand what is and is not on topic if that makes aense#but anyways#we're all in this together guys. no one has it better#very scared to say anything cause I know there is a lot I /don't/ know esp as a white person#TRANS SOLIDARITY GUYS#I am the most binary trans dude I have ever known and I dont think ive been treated any better than my nonbinary or gendernonconforming bros
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Something really funny about how drastically different a Fake German Accent and a Real German Accent sound
#tony talks#idk how to describe it but. it's noticeable#i haven't known a Lot of german people#but all who ive known? sound nothing like just abt any of the “german” Tv characters ive ever seen
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(kinda gets 18+ in tags srry. i never know how/where to talk abt it) and honestly it's never like i can pull up and talk about like, emotional abuse either. or like atmospheric triggers and shit. because talking about any of that is hard. but it's specifically fucking impossible to ever talk about sexual trauma to anybody ever, which is fucked because like... i'm trying and i'm doing good at it, i'm proud of myself, but it's so like. idk. when something dominates your entire life for an incredible critical five years of your life and entirely transforms how you approach anything it's like... i don't actually know how to express any of this at all. and i guess it's sometimes hard for people to get it. i dunno.
#neg#ask to tag#ok ill go to bed after this one its just like#thankfully im in a friend group that like. gets it#but even still ive never verbally clearly acknowledged thats what the anecdotes are about#and i mean its an open secret bc this one thing like. hit the fan. and my friends knew abt it#EVERYONE knew. and i realized only after that that it was like... actually a really bad thing maybe nobody should have known.#it's like that a lot. everyone sees it everyone knows it but it's kinda just me sweeping up the consequences#im very much a public vivisection case study of how like. nightmare sex explorations can go i guess#and maybe that's why i appeal to like anything in media talking about sex ever in a way thats kinda complicated#because like. yeah. i mean i lost any chance of getting to experience anything like that#i don't know. i have a really difficult time with processing this shit#which is crazy because like. idk if i ever said. but i think that was something nearly every alter in my head-#had in common. like not 2 of the 6 others. but the other 4 it was like at least somewhere a theme#which elt crazy. like so much for differentiation. but like. what else is there#i want to scream at ppl that this was my life this is all i fucking understood for ages#that i didnt realize it was bad until i saw what could be good#but you dont say that shit to people and im too fucking scared to say anything to my best friends so like#clearly nobody will know. n i just kinda have to live w that#that i can never have sex. and i can never really understand what goes on with it. that certain terms fly over my head#that i have to like latch on vice grip into fiction for it. because it never makes sense out of my own mouth#seriously if i need to tag this tell me i just dont know what the fuck to say
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