#ive just been thinking about it a lot because i havent been able to draw for myself seemingly at all recently Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

[taiyami]

Sometimes I get kind of downhearted seeing artists who can consistently make fanart pieces every few days and stay relevant in their communities. I think to myself "I wish I could be that.. I COULD be that!"

Except, I work nearly 50 hours a week every week, and all my very limited free time is usually scheduled to a T ... I want to quit my job so bad because it's really ruining my ability to make art and do things I really enjoy. I want to be in my communities, and I want to make people happy with my art again <:(

[nabaath-areng]

I was planning to build new desktop this fall, but seeing that the winter half year practically chains me to bed making me incapable of sitting up I took some of my savings to get a laptop so I can have it in bed for drawing, writing etc at least. And so I'll save back up the coming months and build it once spring arrives instead (hopefully component prices has gone down then too)

All that to say I can only eat my hands as I catch glimpses of dawntrail news after having been ffxiv-less since july last year. my abstinence is out the roof

[wallterwall]

day 32

if you like my (cybrthrillz) content, please read this

tw for self harm and suicidal ideation

i want to take a break

this is not a victory or a win for anyone. if anything all of the harassment and relentless targeted hate has only made me even more motivated to make this little space ive created a more accepting place, and i will continue to be a voice of support for "weird and contradictory" queer identities because we all deserve to be happy and accepted

but, for a long time ive been putting myself in harms way, generally neglecting my own needs for the sake of other people, because i dont care about what happens to me as long as other people are happy and safe, and right now i dont think i can keep pushing myself like that anymore. im tired

i havent had a s/h problem since middle school but now those urges are resurfacing again when i thought id never have to deal with that again

i havent been able to relax or enjoy any of my time without having dreadful thoughts in the back of my mind

ill probably be changing things going forward too, or maybe things wont be changing at all. i dont know. i just know that i want to try and relax and watch those movies ive been meaning to watch and play more video games without feeling guilty that im not using my time for drawing.

the controversies have wounded me a lot but unfortunately regretevator is still my main hyperfixation so ill have trouble getting myself to draw anything else and i dont think i want to really avoid it. so ill still be drawing, but ill be drawing for myself without really worrying about posting schedules. ill still be active on discord, tumblr, instagram

im not going to kill myself today, nor am i going to in the future. because whether some people want to believe it or not, i know and my friends know that i always try my best to be a considerate and kind, overall good person. i know that i genuinely have positively impacted many people in life. i hope that ill be able to go back to regularly posting soon with a clearer state of mind because your support has genuinely improved my life both emotionally and financially, and i couldnt be more grateful.

but right now, its okay to be a little selfish for my sake. and i hope that you all can understand and be patient with me. thanks for stickin around

[sassykinzonline]

sometimes its actually alarming HOW uncritically the naruto fandom looks at the text like because something isnt "shown" in canon/on-screen (it usually is, but just implicitly) people think it means it couldnt have happened and therefore making sweeping statements about the character like "theyre just weak" or "they make no sense"

as usual im going to focus on naruto (😌) heres an example but it applies to many others (itachi, gaara, neji, hinata,...me)

here are some things we know about naruto:

he is inexplicably talented at taijutsu despite having no mentor

he created sexy jutsu for attention from older men (he craves a father figure)

he is rather repulsed by affection aside from certain people

he relies on shadow clones to outnumber his enemies and protect him from damage, as well as acting like diversions (he only later on seems to learn to use them practically as well, and he doesnt use them as an actual team iirc)

he represses his memories and life severely if they cause him distress or negative emotion, and when he doesnt do that it causes him to lose complete control of himself in anger

some of these things are basic signs of a child who has been abused in multiple ways (particularly verbally, physically, and sexually), but also just logically how is it possible that naruto became proficient at taijutsu when he didnt train with anyone and had no teacher to correct him? why would it be important to naruto to have, what are essentially, human shields? why does naruto freely tolerate physical abuse he receives while others openly complain about it? why would that lead to naruto eventually wanting to defend/protect everyone in tandom with ANOTHER orphan who feels the same? why would WE not be able to have a clear directly depicted answer to this as a reader?

idk to me personally there are a lot of things people say are "headcanons" are just things they logically put together based on subtext, and theres a reason why a vast majority of people who read the same text come to the same conclusion. it seems like this is a lot less common in manga form (i dont read manga so i wouldnt know, i understand different mediums have different communication norms but some things are just literary basics), so its the first time ive encountered this "why does everyone believe in [some idea not said in plain english]? it's never said anywhere!" logic...it doesnt need to be. there are certain clues and patterns youre supposed to be able to draw conclusions for based on common life experiences (archetypes/universal symbols).

if you can do these above steps and come to a conclusion, and a plurality of people come to the same conclusion, it was probably intentional on the author's part. if the author explicitly states its not intentional, then sure, but that doesnt take away from how/why the story is impactful because the author may not even realize theyre doing it. an easy example i can think of is tsunade's fear of blood, where its meant to symbolize death, but in her case also ends up symbolizing love wrt her relationships with naruto and jiraiya. and thanks to blood gaining this symbolism through tsunade, when you see uchiha tears of blood, you instantly make those same connections. then you think back to gaara screaming about having never seen his blood (coming from his forehead where that tattoo of his is......), then the eventual resolution of that being an inversion of the symbolism the manga establishes when he battles his father during the war.

more than anything though i find it kind of concerning that adults sit around laughing at obviously what is meant to be traumatic. as if there arent people in your life who sit around with these same experiences and signs, with something they havent told you about because theyre afraid youll laugh at them.

[mamaporcupine]

i have a question. so you have ur actual story for Liam and all of that, thats the canon obviously. But there is also the larger fanon of him that is like, the most prevalent of his presence in the fandom, which is Cody. Ive seen in ur server so far that theres.......not a lot of love for AUs and fan remakes of characters, so when it comes to Cody, do u care if ppl are still using their designs for him from the fanon version, as long as they are not trying to place onto Liam specifically? Cuz ive seen a few ppl who use their fan designs of him still and i was just genuinely curious about ur stance on this and i havent seen any discussion of it in depth on here so far, apologies if uve answered this kind of question before, im semi-new.

It's a pretty long question and it's fine! I'll try to answer it the same way.

My server is pretty new, it's been a long time since I was open with people on a public server, it's been 4 years since I was on a public server. Basically a lot of people question a lot of things like "why didn't you do this?" "why didn't you talk before", honestly I lived my life without knowing that my character was building a pretty big community, I only received questions about the character three or four times a year since I created Xvirus, everything exploded when it went viral during the pandemic. (I hadn't realized this fact until a few days ago haha) at that time I didn't know what was happening, it was a shower of people in my DM's from all my accounts, especially Twitter and DeviantArt. When I finally realized what was happening, even when looking for fanarts I didn't expect all that support for the character.

Honestly Fanon or Canon, I only saw not only as a creator but as a "father" of my creation, my character being loved, that never happened to me before and until now I don't realize this much because it's difficult for me to understand the displays of affection, it just makes me cry. It's the most honest thing I can answer. I know perfectly well that many people will not agree with the remake or are disappointed to find out that xvirus is not Toby's brother, that they hate the redesign or that he has long hair. Both designs are canon only in different times of Xvirus's history, one at 17 and the other at 29.

I am aware that I will never please those who have a formed vision of the character, but it doesn't bother me either because in the end it's a fandom and there are always new versions and new ways of seeing him. I'm having a lot of fun drawing and thinking about this right now, but it's also an internal war I've been fighting for years. Being able to visualize it makes me feel like it's worth it to keep trying.

To all this I can only say thank you doesn't matter if you hate it or love it… I know that if you don't like it it's because you love him and care. That makes me happy I can only say that I am having the happiest moment after so much struggle, thanks to everyone <3

[callistosposts]

Hey Chat.. I would like your indepth opinion on Hades... How did u create their design... Which ships containing them do u fw... Why do you personally think they got flung out of the solar system.... Do u think they could get back into the solar system....

🫣 Stare.

oooh i like this :D THIS IS GONNA BE A LONGGG POST

for Hades design it was really a matter of how I make a character as mysterious but still interesting as possible - his design is very subject to change once we learn more about him, get to know his personality and stuff

for now though, i wanted him very neutrally aligned, i didnt want to make him seem evil nor did i want to make him look innocent cause theres no confirmation of either of those things

so his design, hes kinda a demon, hes got priest-inspired religious type clothing though instead of crosses its stars and such cause obviously religion is man made. but i still kinda wanted to dig into that religious trauma type feeling

because religious trauma is often built on the sense of being betrayed - betrayed by higher powers, betrayed by the people who you thought were trustworthy

being told your evil or wrong for something you did, whether its something thats not bad at all or maybe you did do something bad and instead of helping you instead get ostracized and told your spawn of satan

thats the feeling I've gotten from the whole story of jupiter and saturn, these big strong planets who are clearly looked up to as higher power, kicking out and clearly, in the past, seeing this smaller, more vulnerable planet as evil

so thats how i got the design , i built it off the connection of religious trauma

also i was listening to Hells Comin With Me

-

for why I think he was kicked out, I honestly dont know, I cant really come up with anything definitive

ive seen a lot of interpretations, but a lot of them kinda bend space history or make little to no sense so I havent really been able to come up with anything

if I HAD to say something id guess - his existence messed with the gas giants orbits some to the point where it was causing accidental or purposeful damage that left things a little messy

-

I don't think he would be getting back into the solar system, i just dont find that being a canonical move solarballs would do considering hes a theoretical planet

i find it much more likely for Hades to be an occasional character that pops in every now and then, maybe cause a little mischief, drop a space fact

even if the direction they go with Hades is to make him want to come back , I dont believe he will be let back

-

OKAYSHIPS ... more silly thing...

ive mentioned before I like Hades x Neptune, I know a lot of people have seen them as siblings and ifff they do go down that route ill immediately back off from that ship but FOR NOW . WITH NO RELATION CONFIRMATION. i think the idea of Neptune x Hades is cute,, specifically past wise, before Neptune lost his mind and such

ive drawn Uranus x Hades before on request, i have no idea where it came from , but I always think shipping Uranus with others is silly fun cause I get to draw him flustered , so 8/10 for me

i think those are generally the only ships I've encountered with him, i dont actually have any problems with any others though I just dont have any I heavily am die hard for and have actually encountered before

if you drop me Jupiter x Hades id probaly eat it up, I am not hater im a LOVER !!!

[friendlyengie]

Heyo thought I’d drop some random tf2 hcs and stuff cause of ur post :D

- scout and Pyro get along really well and scout will draw for pyro. Scout likes them cause he seems to actually listen to scout talk

- Engineer is pretty oblivious when it comes to people having feelings for him and hes (kinda accidentally) decent at flirting tho

- Engineer is like a father figure to scout and it makes spy really jealous lol

- Demo is really good at karaoke

- Since spy is good at finding this out about people based on body language etc. he knows exactly who has crushes on who in the base and he thinks it’s SO OBVIOUS but it’s not to the rest of them and he’s really close to just screaming at everyone that they’re blind and to just kiss already. He’s just forced to watch all these pining idiots dance around each other and he hates it

- Heavy and Medic have a book club that is just the two of them

- Scout would be a good dad later in life if he had a kid

ohohhoho interesting. Cracks my knuckles.

-scout and pyro friendship truther until I DIE. I find the idea of scout going from being terrified of this weird “thing” to just being besties with Pyro kind of hilarious. I think they can both do art pretty well actually! I like to think they run around towns and do graffiti together.

-Nodding at this. I also think it helps that (to me) hes naturally very friendly and polite because of how he was raised and like half of the people on his team havent heard anything nice from another human being since they were actual children (if that.) Is he good at flirting or are your standards dangerously low? Is it both? Great question!

-Ive always seen engineer as more of a low-maintenance uncle figure to scout If That. They’re just kind of a pretty standard close older dude with a lot of life experience and younger dude with fuck all going on friendship to me. and tbh ive never. Really been able to get behind the idea of spy being “jealous” of any sort of relationship Scout has with other mercs. Whether it’s him being weirded out by father standins or judgemental of potential partners. I don’t think he doesn’t have a weird relationship with seeing scout bond with the other mercs but i feel like it’s just sort of. Idk. A little more of a unique issue for him.

-Accepted. Though i think “good” for him ranges from “genuinely good singing” to “loud, overconfident, and having a great time getting half of the lyrics wrong.”

-As much as I think it would be fun if spy was surprisingly emotionally dense, i cant deny his canonical skills in that sort of field. That’s like. His whole game. I think his approach to trying to help anyone with romance is “he wont unless youre prepared to basically just inflate his ego for the sake of a few tips.” A la expiration date.

-no doubt in my mind that heavy and medic dont agree with a single thing that the other gleams from reading books. Said with love. They will argue about meanings and subtext and the value of interpretation until it sounds like someone’s about to file for divorce and then end with “so same time next week ^_^?”

-I will be so honest with you. I do not know if i could ever see scout being a father, much less a good one NDGSKHJDKNJJ.

Actually . Hm. Thinking about it. I could. SEE it in a sense. I think he would have some good steps to go off of because of his Mom. Unsure of how good his ma’s parenting was but she at least was very caring toward her kids. He’d have that. But i think he’d have to be a lot more emotionally mature to be able to process how his own current issues with dads and fatherhood would healthily translate into being a dad himself. I could see him being really laid back and maybe a little too “im not just your parent, im your friend,” and any hypothetical kid he has would Not take his ass seriously. I think having to parent a teenager would kill him.

[gemwolfz]

good morning chat (<- it's 12:30 pm) its time for a GEM FROG WATCHPOST (instead of putting it in the bg while i draw because ive accepted i cant draw and read at the same time)

btw my very legal straming site doesnt have episode descriptions and no way im remembering an episode thats been mentioned by number so i have no idea what im getting into. also im setting a timer to truly see how long my autistic ass can stretch a 15 minute episode. ok lets get started :)

okay first of all intro i havent seen yet lets GOOOO. PURURU SIGHTING IN THERE HEY GIRL!! i actually need to watch some eps with pururu in em btw. like hey show her to me. anyway good intro lots of guys spotted :)

^ CATEGORY 5 DORORO EVENT HI. experiencing the horrors as usual i see

i see so this is what we're doing today huh. do you intend to rip my heart out.

im sorry they have a fucking invasion planning chore wheel? thats really funny

OH IT'S THIS ONE HUH. THIS IS WHAT WE'RE DOING HUH (lovingly)

wcdonalds btw. sorry sorry wcdonalds cracks me up every time in any show

^^ his ass did NOT process what was just said!!!

he had it right the first several times cmon man.

hes taking this in stride huh. even in category 5 THE LORE situations the silly grind doesnt stop

why is zeroro resonance so fucking stupid btw. sorry man.

screenshot that speaks for itself man

somehow i dont think "my alien ninja partner is in serious trouble i need to leave immediately" will be counted as an excused absence by your teachers but after scaling a building in a single leap i dont think anybodys gonna question you. i love you koyuki

[this image set broke in the editor but it included keroro and tamama calling zeroro SO MEAN for not explaining his plan to them] frankly i respect keroros unwillingness to treat situations with the proper gravity because i do the same thing king

his ass does not care

he changed his mind something is terribly wrong

okay lets be real here the platoon would NOT have found him there. if he hadn't been able to contact koyuki he'd have been fucked. badly. something something being saved again by the person who showed you the warmth and beauty the planet has to offer

literally yeah the fate of the planet is held by natsumi being able to throw frogs like splat balls. pov youre giroro and the number one person standing between you guys and invasion is decidedly the girl who is constantly personally stopping you from blowing shit up. this is a personal attack

important and relevant but also im sorry "brat" is incredibly funny word choice coming from tamama

no reaction i can put into words. btw this episode is labelled as a filler episode. just so you know. i just think thats funny. haha so silly

aye.......................................... i would be using more reaction images but i have to prioritize screenshots. anyway god.

they were holding their fucking BREATH. his ass could have died!! badly!!! their deep sigh of relief is not as visible as i'd have hoped but you know. you feel me.

there are reactions i am making that are sound effects i cannot put into words sorry. im better at posting silly nonsense im sure you understand. hell, post horse staring at the ocean MAN again

he goes "i'm sorry about that, everyone!" as if it was fucking nothing. DUDE. This is why you caught that trauma-eating brain parasite because you just act like shit was NOTHING DUDE...

........yea...........................

NO EYECATCH OR ANYTHING? YOURE JUST GONNA TAKE US TO THE NEXT EPISODE? OKAY. OKAY THATS FINE. THAT'S FINE.

gem conclusion:

anyway i spent an hour watching this ten minute episode. sorry for maybe a weak reaction post i need to stir this episode in my head like a soup. thank you plates for your recommendation. join me in the rbs later as i may watch episode B and experience whatever tonal whiplash this episode came with

[mychlapci]

If we are talking about arrays, may I offer array mods making a mech have two valves, or two spikes? Or tdicks? (there isnt enough! I look on ao3 and theres like one fic! Forget about fanart!) And there being arrays that are categorized as "nonstandard" because of how heavily modified they are, or bots who got rid of their array entirely to focus on spark play and pnp? I just feel like people dont have enough fun with arrays (hence why the pitcher plant pussy fascinates me)

I like to imagine cyclonus got srs to turn his spike into a second valve. Same with magnus, but he also turned both his nodes into tdicks at the same time. Kup strikes me as a two spike guy. Drift definitely has a tdick, as does Ratchet.

One thought ive had about a nonstandard array is the area being replaced with what looks like a drawing tablet. But upon plugging in, any touch is highlighted, and can shock you. Same with other erogenous zones. Electrostimulation grinding galore. Eat them out and have to get your whole mouth replaced due to damage type deal.

-piss anon

honestly transformers genitalia is something we can have so much fun with, and yet very few people actually get creative with it. and i get it, spikes and valves are fun enough already, but oh man. i havent seen nearly enough fanart, like i've seen some art of bots with two spikes, but i don't think i've seen art of bots with two valves, which is a shame because it's hot... maybe the fact that they even find having two spikes/valves practical can be an indicator of cybertronian courting systems, bc i've seen a lot of fandom enjoying throuples (me included), so these mods could either have gotten popular with these kinda relationships, or perhaps cybertronians have been living in throuples for so long their array naturally comes in many shapes (cyclonus' two valves are the perfect arrangement for tailgate and whirl, who'd gladly pound him into oblivion at the same time)... i don't think ive seen single fanart of tdicks on transformers thats so mean honestly. i'd like to think tdicks are a desirable aesthetic modification that many valves are just naturally endowed with. (i think drift has a modded tdick, but ratchet's valve came with it...). also, i've talked about this, but i like valves that are above the spike, so that two partners can penetrate each other at the same time...

also, heavily modded arrays yes yes yes. spikes that have been split to make it seem like there's two spikes, or reshaped to resemble tentacles or maybe some kinda crazy plant-life, valves that have outer mods (pitcher plant pussy pitcher plant pussy) and internal mods, i'm particularly fond of teeth inside the valve, both for protection and because some people like to get very wild with it (i'm thinking a bot with teeth inside their valve not being able to overload unless they bite down, and having to really search for someone who'd be willing to get their spike cut off). of course, there's various vibration mechanisms, ribs and ridges and thorns to enhance pleasure.

and ooooh no valve or spike at all. just a board with sensitive nerve endings that pulse with electricity when stimulated, a tongue brushing against it is bliss, but of course the other bot always gets burnt... yet again, people with this array have to really search for someone super dedicated who gets off on having their own array electroshocked...

[definitelynotshouting]

hi tem!! 72, 77, 78!!

Ask me fanfic writer questions!

Omg hello!!! Eidnwjdjdj i shouldve guessed i'd get 77 immediately 😂😂😂😂

72.) what do you do if a scene gets too serious?

Generally im almost always aiming for serious on some level, tbh-- thats my favorite thing to write about!! Even while writing comedy, i tend to go for more serious undertones; in the case that im going intentionally for pure humor, though, and the scene comes out a little more serious than intended, i try to dial it back by focusing on banter, adding a bit of humor to the narration itself, and essentially laying the scene out in a way that's intentionally meant to draw your attention to whats supposed to be funny.

On the whole, though, serious scenes are my JAM and i adore writing them, so its not often i run into this problem!!

77.) how do you write kissing scenes?

OH BOY. OKAY. this is the point, i suppose, where i mention the Kissing Seminar.

The Kissing Seminar is a very informal discussion i held in one of my discord servers and later transcribed to a google doc when the topic of how to write kisses came up. Full disclosure: i kiss a lot. I love kissing. Ive kissed a ton of people in my life and i kiss my partner constantly. So when im writing kisses, i am pulling DIRECTLY from my own experiences on how it feels and how i do it (and sometimes i do need refreshers; last time i wrote a kiss i had to pause, kiss my partner for a minute, and then go back to writing. Partner reported being INCREDIBLY confused by the abruptness but was pleased to receive smooches until the next day when i informed them of why, and then they hit me with a pillow SJDNEJDJEJJS 😂😂😂😂)

Anyway, the Kissing Seminar is something ive been meaning to pretty up and post for public consumption time and time again, but havent yet because its just so currently low on the priority list. But it details HOW to kiss, and what to expect, and some options for how to write it if you want to go for something more detailed rather than just saying "they smooched". As a tl;dr, its generally all about body placement, rhythm, and emotions-- and the intermingling between them. If you want to write good kisses, focus on all three of these things, and it'll help you out a lot

78.) how do you choose where to end a chapter?

I go off of instinct, mostly!!! Usually i try to keep my chapters all to a similar length (so for hunger au, im aiming for 4-5k each time), and because i know how long most of my scenes take (about 1-2k depending) im able to round off where things should stop after a certain amount of scenes have been written. Sometimes its not precise, though-- last chapter of litd was meant to have the Pearl conversation fully in it, but Tango ended up being the primary focus, and i couldnt really edit that out without sacrificing a lot. So as soon as i found a good stopping place, i went ahead and finished the chapter.

Good stopping places for me are where a scene naturally ends and begins to transition into a new one-- think like movie clips, or scenes in a play. To continue using hunger au chap 4 as an example, the final "clip" so to speak started with Tango and Grian on the couch, and ended with Tango leaving the set while Pearl took his place. I found this to be a really good natural stopping point for the chapter, because Pearl and Grian's convo is very different from the way Tango and Grian's went, so it requires a different tone and new atmosphere to fully delve into that. I find that when the tone of a scene changes, or something new is happening, or time is shown to have passed in some way, these are naturally good places to stop a chapter.

I think this is often why people will choose to end their chapters with their characters falling asleep-- its a natural transition that people instinctively recognize as moving things forward, so it acts as a way to separate one scene from the next. The problem with relying on that alone though is that it can become very repetitive, so its important to be able to start pinpointing all your transition sentences or paragraphs so you can find other places and ways to end chapters and add in some variety

As with all things, though, this isnt a hard and fast rule; i can think of several ways one might want to lean on that for thematic purposes, or using it as a motif, or just a particular expression of style. Really what it comes down to is what you want from your story, and the best ways to achieve that; a good editor in particular will help you find a way to do that. Wkdnwke sorry this became sort of a very extended ramble, but as a professional editor and a longtime writer i find the subject fascinating and feel like mechanics like this arent really talked about often enough. Anyway thank you for listening to my little soapbox if you read all the way through, and thank you so much for the questions!!!!! :DD

[stunfiskz]

How long did it take you to hammer down your Rouxls design?

getting this ask is kind of funny to me because i feel like i still havent fully figured out how to draw him right XD but looking through my files to find the exact date i first drew him on july of last year which is WILD to think about. honestly looking back at my old art of him makes me cringe sooo bad haha

i think that just like. figuring out a lot of difference aspects of him and focusing in on some different ones at a time was kinda the process, though? ex recently messed around to figure out how how the proportions of his face work out so that i can draw him closer to that, that kind of thing. or stuff like the way his hair is, all the volume being concentrated mainly at the bottom (aka, not fluffy on top), making it easier to understand what makes him Look Like Rouxls but still allowing for your own interpretations in stuff that's more ambiguous (i still have no clue what his outfit is supposed to actually be and i still have not been able to settle on one way to draw it. it's painful).

but yeah, like i said, im still working it out but i am definitely happier with how my art looks now. im honestly really grateful for getting back into utdr (and for my brains stupid fixation on that blue idiot). i think ive grown a lot as an artist over the time ive been drawing for this fandom, in a way that i really dont think i had the same amount of growth through my time in other fandoms. it's kinda wild. i think that the nature of designs in this games (not just the more ambiguous details due to it being pixel art but the really unique shapes used) pushed me out of my comfort zone while drawing in a way im really grateful for. heres hoping one day i'll finally figure out how tf to draw rouxls's outfit X)

[iwantdatcookie]

Answer all the even numbers of that ask meme >:3

Oh shit fuck ok hold on gimme a sec gonna have to pull up a second screen for this. Puttin it all under a readmore to not clog anyones dash haha

2: i dont really like either of them, but ive had tea and i prefer it more sweet

4: im a side sleeper through and through, full fetal pose sometimes even

6: i havent done either in a long time, but i think i liked drawing more since i could see what i made immediately in my eyes.

8: dont have one currently, but ive been thinking a lot about linkin park lately

10: uhhh shit ive forgotten. Maybe around 1 meter 80 by now so 5’ 9”?

12: my baby niece, all of my tumblr mutuals, my online friends that ive fallen out of contact with because i have difficulty talking to people myself. Really a lot of people…

14: green! Followed by brown because chocolate

16: not really want a tattoo, cant handle the pain haha

18: in terms of dms its a friend i sent a photo of among us chicken nuggets

20: the aforementioned online friends ive talked about before which are too many to all say now.

22: actually might have been a good 8 hours though i csnt recall what hour exactly i fell aslepp

24: i think last time was because i messed up in something at work

26: videogames are still kinda childish in my society, also chocolate milk

28: currently im a little happier because family came over and i got to see my niece but otherwise ive been feeling a little sad and isolated

30: for the school year to end and to go on a trip with my coworkers and then be able to stream again now that i have good internet

32: i would go to super nintendo world just cause i wanna see it. I feel like if i said i wanted to visit friends would be a boring answer to give

34: i like sunflowers

36: yeah its alright, nothing to say about it except that i makes my initials spell out a word and i like that

38: not very strong phobias but i cant handle dogs approaching me at high speed or darkness. I guess heights too?

40: i like the beach, though i prefer when its cloudy because i also dont like extreme heat haha

42: oh shit uhhh @lotsadeer, @robboybot, @gothbaseball, @squintsquint, @bimbocatfood

44: my baby niece who’s visiting :)

46: honestly, just sleep, or a videogame, or honestly just you know haha

48: i honest to goodness dont know, i guess at this point my parents or sister

50: i guess i can pick whatever thing to say for this one so uh, if anyone wanted to know what ive been up to lately im doing the final bonus level in mario wonder and i dressed up with an evil clown mask for a halloween event recently!

[bmpmp3]

ive been a little frustrated in these latter years of my fine arts major because theres this weird... contradiction? discrepancy? something like that...

but like i've got like only two modes of making art really: 1) fuck around mode and 2) drawing my ocs like im a 10 year old on deviantart in 2008 mode AND LIKE okay Fuck Around Mode is just like. trying weird techniques for the sake of trying weird techniques - its very fun and i learn a lot that can be incorporated into the second mode and i mean i like the things i make in Fuck Around Mode they're nice and neat but like. theres no passion behind it except for THE PASSION OF THE GAME..... you know? im just playing ball with that art, i don't think all that much about my Fuck Around Mode pieces after im done making them until i need something for a portfolio or something LOL and to be honest i dont put all that much effort into it.....

but that leads into my '08 OC Mode where i do, in fact, pour my entire heart and soul in making images and pieces of art..... of just like an edgy angel oc or something. i do include techniques from Fuck Around Mode so they often get pretty interesting! but the subject of the piece is no longer "I Don't Really Care I Just Want To see What Happens If I Do This" and is instead. an anime boy i made up when i was 19. and i really do love the work i make in this mode, it means so much to me truly

but this is where the discrepancy i havent been able to grapple with quite yet comes in: to the IRL layman and to the citizens of the internet, both professional artists and otherwise, my '08 OC Mode is pretty strongly engaged with compared to any Fuck Around Mode stuff i put out there, even if people dont like it they take it seriously and earnestly you know!! but the second i step into school its the opposite - my teachers and peers seem to adore the Fuck Around pieces and many Do Not give a shit about the rest until i really push em to actually look at them.... its kind of bizarre.

i like getting critiques and i like when people interpret my art in whatever ways but its a bit frustrating when instead of giving useful advice on what to improve technically or compositionally or whatever i just get people ascribing passion and personal intent at art where there is very little.

where was that post of the comic where someones showing their art with all their heart and the other person says "this lacks truth" and the first person beats them up. i do feel a little like that LOL

i know not everything i make will always be effective at conveying the personal truths i put in to them, and effort put in does not have to equal an audience resonating with a piece: 2 minute doodle getting a million views and a 4 hour painting getting like 3 max online is a tale as old as time after all and i never minded it LOL i kind of post art on the internet using the same method as the wonderful ms paint fetish artist on deviantart who has been posting for 15 years without fail -> just keep posting what i do and what i like whenever i feel like it and whoever is interested will find me sooner or later <3

but it is a different feeling getting the IRL academic equivalent of this...... maybe its just the way the community in my faculty has been shifting? I've noticed there is like, an assumption, a bit among my undergraduate peers but mostly among professors and graduate students, that the reason one makes art is because they have something specific, clear, and pointed to tell the world. i do not make art because of that. i make art because i need to get it out of me.

i like it if a viewer can get something out of it, anything, whatever it is. im a big loud alien beast of a person like everyone else, desperate for connection and understanding only to be stopped by the barriers between molecules and atoms and everything as usual. but still i cannot make art with the intention to connect with others, with the express goal and desire to understand and converse and comprehend. i can only draw a cartoon character shoulders up facing three-quarters to the left.

[credulouscanidae]

i feel like this year has been a huge bust mentally

i didnt wanna be like this still by christmas, let alone the new year

i dont want it to become march and im still like this, a whole year since moving by then.

but i can feel myself improving, funny enough.

ive spent a lot of this time in despair and grief, and i was giving myself a time limit on those feelings. which made me unable to meet my own expectations, which made me recede and become unable to challenge myself, because i wsa constantly setting myself up for failure to begin with. it feels impossible to do a challenge youre already failing before you begin.

and i have been self aware this whole time too, having that logical part of me talk me through it all. i can look back at myself almost in a third person, as ive always done, and see all the connections as to why im feeling and therefore behaving this way.

so instead of sitting around punishing myself, ive been /trying/ to tell myself theres no time limit on adjustment, and that i am strong enough to pull through. even if i come out of this being disliked. ive put so much energy into being anxious about what people think of me, that ive caused my own cycle of not being able to face it.

i have been acutely aware this whole time that others can only do so much for me, and in the end the only person who can change my situation is me. for me to find that inner strength to do that.

i feel like a lot of the noise has quietened down now. because i had to suddenly grapple with not only accepting my old life was changing, but that i had to suddenly build up a brand new life from scratch with very little support. but the life building in england is finally feeling...like i can do it. things feel less confusing and daunting, the roads feel less scary to navigate, i know where to go for what i need now, and ive been falling into daily routines again. which i didnt have when i first arrived. it's like my roots are finally burying in. and thats making incorporating my aussie roots back into my life feel a bit more doable.

i WANT to have voice chats with friends, or have a casual hello. i dont want to be like this. having a twisted tummy and palpitating heart every time i see a new notification on my phone. i havent even cleared my notif bar on my phone for months, out of fear of seeing a message i havent checked from so long ago. there is so much literal and mental clutter. and i want to be free of all of these notifs and emails etc. its not anyones fault but mine. i WANT to be more engaged, i feel homesick and miss everyone. and i HATE that those feelings dominate my behaviour, and how EASY it is to fall into a self fulfilling prophecy. i hate how it makes me a neglectful friend and family member.

but, with therapy, and settling into my life here. i think i can slowly work my way up to getting over all of this. i really. really. REALLY. fucking want to. i want to draw again, i want to learn how to sculpt, i want to be involved in peoples lives again. because right now, im finding it hard to even humour the idea of making friends here in the uk, because of how guilty that would make me feel, and how not ready i am to make new connections, especially cuz i would rather reinforce connection with existing people in my life.

again. self fulfilling. all that does is make me continue to be lonely.

but as i said, it's slowly getting better. i feel bad about how negative ive been all this time. i just want people to know that, in regards to my relationship, i AM happy. and i know that 10 years from now im going to look back on all of this with evren and go "fuck man that was a lot huh"

you cant hate yourself into loving yourself, and thats something that has kept my spark going, even when it's been one bad thought away from fizzling out.

im trying to be easier on myself. i know that all of this can exist at the same time as me having negative effects on others (which i guess is just an assumption to begin with) and i am not immune to causing that damage. but honestly? right now in this moment, im trying to give myself some compassion and lenience. because ive spent years and years feeling anxious and being hyper vigilant about my behaviour and how i affect others, that i have barely taken the time to consider myself and be healthy and strong in my core self. as they say, assume the best unless told otherwise. thats going to be a goal of mine. i always assume good intentions from people, even to a detriment, so i hope to take that view and shape it into a healthier outlook. maybe not everyone has their best intentions or insight, but i think overall people are just trying. god, in this goddamn fucked up world, all we can do is try.

and thats why i need to be more lenient.

sorry for all the tangents and sloppy execution. im probably in the acceptance stage of grief atm lmao, and im tired of being like this.

[gaysheep]

when you are surrounded by artists all the time it's super easy to...i guess have a lot of pessimism about it

youll identify parts of your craft that you arent as technically skilled as others in but instead of feeling motivated to keep improving you have a permanent feeling of inadequacy or mediocrity

do not shoot down those "whoa you drew that? i cant even draw a stick figure" people theyre very good at reorienting your perspective if you actually engage w them

i doodled an environment with colored pencils in my notebook. ive been dwelling a lot lately on feeling i dont do enough technical work w scenes. but a girl in my program saw it and asked me a bunch of questions abt it

cut so i dont stretch your dash

like she asked me if i had the picture memorized thinking it was a real location and i explained that it was an invented one

and she was really interested in my process bc it was totally foreign to her!

she'd ask if i had an exact image in my head of how it'd look on the paper and i'd say that i had a vague idea of what i wanted to draw, but i drafted the image by blocking where i wanted things to go and refining them as i worked on it. and she said that was really interesting and impressive bc she hadn't been able to imagine how someone would go about making a completely new image.

i had a kinda rough day overall but that was really nice! it reminded me that there are ways that my art is totally unique and it's a skill that's taken me a really long time to develop. i felt proud of my process itself and how i've found my own way of tackling creating something independently of the end result. no one else can inhabit my head and make something exactly the way i would.

related but it's been nice to do art just for the sake of doing art during the day. i started doodling to focus during lecture sessions but ive been having fun experimenting and im really really enjoying the process of working an image on paper in a way i havent in awhile because it's totally pressure-free. i am drawing on cheap lined notebook paper with crayola pencils none of these are portfolio pieces im drawing because i enjoy it and it helps the day along a lot