#ive had. at LEAST two taken out. but i dont remember which ones

[lokh]

god. i have Got to write down somewhere which wisdom teeth ive had taken out

[jadecantcreate]

curse of strahdanya has officially taken over my brain! alongside arcane…season two is SO GOOD SO FARR please go watch it if you haven’t. holy shit yall it does not disappoint

spoilers for up to and the entirety of episode 7 of cos — ill mainly be talking about character dynamics (mostly shepnax) but major events and plot developments will be explicitly discussed as well, so, if you’re not there yet, please don’t keep reading (getting spoilered for this stuff is not worth it i promise)

im sorry in advance. im not even done writing everything yet and its already very long

the way i see it, episode 7 is a major turning point for not only the whole story but inter-party relationships as well. i’ll be organizing this a little bit so it’s less text-wall-y (hopefully)

shepherd

there’s the raven mother they find nailed to the wall — the culprit being strahdanya. this definitely fueled the hate that all of the party had for her, but especially shepherd. he literally screams out in anguish and, later, calls strahdanya a coward and bitch — something we’ve never seen shepherd do before.* i think the events in the beginning of ep 7 is what really cemented his and the party’s objective: destroy strahdanya. before, i sensed some kind of ‘wiggle room’: the party would be willing to work with her a bit, though only for a very short amount of time and would probably backstab her. but after witnessing all that? strahdanya is irredeemably evil, not worthy of consideration / sympathy / courtesy, and i think it finally fully dawned on them all

*i also love how much raw emotion shepherd expresses throughout the campaign. the rest of the party has their moments too (i can immediately think of kana and victoria, but im not remembering any significant ones for clayton or sarnax though i know they exist), but shepherd consistently reacts to the hellhole that is barovia in such a genuine way that it grounds the whole narrative and, to me, makes barovia that much more horrifying. in other stories or discussions of stories ive seen like this (and even in the cos party itself), the characters are largely untouched by the horrors that occur in such a setting. which, fit the characters/purpose as it might, distances the audience at least a tiny bit from the happenings of the narrative. but when you have an otherwise grounded, calm, capable individual like shepherd crack? that’s when it really hits you i think. like, the whole thing with sarnax reviving the mother? shepherd being so relieved and overcome with a multitude of feelings that his voice cracks as he holds back tears, begging the mother to rest and not do any work? it made me feel the same way, and it really drove home how wonderful this act is and how dire their situation is. shepherd (and andy by extension!) have drawn the most emotion out of me in my watch, and its possibly the main reason i enjoy his character so much

him being seemingly chosen by the silver dragon (which, again, another turning point) is very compelling in a narrative sense too because shepherd doesnt want power, he doesn’t seem to even like the idea of leading (or at least being pushed into a position of leadership). i’ll touch on it later in the shepherd and sarnax segment (if i dont forget lol, my mind is running wild while i write this)

victoria

i think strahd’s infatuation with her and the physical effects it has (kana’s cleansing ritual failing because the water becomes blood as it touches victoria) is so interesting, especially her inner conflict with her heritage and wickedness (and the distrust it sows between her and the party, at least initially)

i really enjoyed how victoria was vulnerable with kana, and how kana handled it with such care and compassion. this is also a turning point, i think, when it comes their relationship: kana promises to protect victoria, and victoria promises to fight the darkness within her; they definitely got closer after that, and their bond was deepened. i dont imagine strahd would be very happy about victoria not being enamored by her and being helped by her party, though it’s very possible that she enjoys ‘the chase’ (for the lack of a better term)

when they came across the dusk elf in the order of the silver dragon estate-thing, it’s a pretty clear parallel to victoria given her appearance, heritage, and reason for being in barovia. i could be very very wrong about this but its heavily implied victoria’s elf half is a dusk elf, which makes sense considering, again, that she’s in barovia to learn about her lineage and that dusk elves are the only elves mentioned so far. i think this is the first time she’s genuinely made progress in her goal

sarnax

sarnax’s identity revolves around gherix: his whole life is devoted to the fire lord; he’s used to communing with and praying to his god. it’s likely what kept him going in such a terrible place with such terrible odds of survival, let alone returning (which he’s convinced he will not). so when strahdanya intercepted the augury spell he was so clearly shaken. it was one of the few moments, if not the only one, where sarnax was in genuine, utter panic — the whole time shepherd repeatedly asked him if he was alright and he didn’t seem to hear those words at all. suddenly he learned that strahdanya could damage or possibly sever his connection to his god, the being his life is centered around. (kana’s comment certainly didn’t help)

but what happens after — the augury spell reading ‘weal’ and sarnax being able to revive the mother — strengthens his faith. it was tested, but he prevailed. i think he was also filled with a newfound sense of purpose, knowing that, no matter what strahd does, his god considers him worthy enough

about him and kana: episode 7 is the culmination of their slow development towards not only tolerating each other’s beliefs but to understand and embrace them, specifically with kana saying that she trusts in sarnax and his god

sarnax and shepherd

the conversation between them was my favorite moment in this episode by far. there are so many layers,

shepherd so clearly doesnt want to embody his namesake and be a leader, but the silver dragon and someone he trusts so much — sarnax — and fate itself push him in that direction, so he just does. shepherd says:

“sarnax don’t”

“no why would you-“

“why- why- why would you put this on me, why?”

“how can you say that?”

“this was just a job. i mean this was just to make sure we all got here and back safely…how did this happen?”

then, later…

“alright, alright i…okay. i…dont know what to say”

“alright…alright…okay, understood”

“sure, sure. lead the way” and, after sarnax says “no, shepherd. you lead the way, i will light the path,” “…fine.”

essentially, he sucks it up. and that’s interesting to me since shepherd shows so much emotion, so it’s clearly not a ‘men dont cry’-type ideology thing. i think it’s probably related to his desire to do good, and as well as the good doc. after all, the doc gave him his virtue name: shepherd. it only makes sense that he would be written by fate as one: a person who guides the lost through the darkness. so that’s my guess as to why he so readily accepts this burden

i think sarnax being the one to say this also played a role in it^. shepherd witnessed firsthand the power of gherix and sarnax’s wisdom, so much so that he prayed to gherix. shepherd, who was originally averse to anything religious, prayed. and i also think sarnax is shepherd’s only true friend in the party. his relationship with clayton, victoria, and kana feels like professional acquaintances — they’re comfortable with each other and certainly growing closer, but he seeks out sarnax (and sarnax does too) and both have called the other a friend or good friend, on more than one occasion for shepherd and at least one for sarnax. it’s obvious that shepherd values what sarnax has to say and cares for him.

because of that, sarnax saying that he will die in barovia (specifically that he doesn’t “believe [he has] a place back in avantris” and that “whatever it is that [they] achieve here will be [his] end” because he has “seen it in the flames”) and shepherd’s reaction hits even harder for me.

shepherd says “i’m not gonna leave you. i’m not gonna leave anyone.”

and sarnax replies “then it will be i that leaves you.”

it’s the shortest exchange, but it holds so much weight. sarnax has accepted his fate, possibly long before this. but when before sarnax took charge and led the group, shining his light, he steps back, realizing shepherd is the one who (he thinks) fits that role. he still guides, but he doesn’t lead, and he believes shepherd should. but shepherd doesn’t. shepherd’s used to following orders, as we see so many times with him and clayton (but also him and sarnax), and struggles to make decisions for the group — when they ask him where they should go, shepherd seemingly blanks and he just picks whatever as fast as he can (to get the pressure off him, i assume). and despite this, shepherd’s line reinforces what sarnax thinks: a good shepherd doesn’t leave his sheep behind, he goes after and, well, shepherds them.

and honestly the whole relationship between shepherd and sarnax. them being regarded as monsters by others, being dehumanized by, for example, vascha [?] thinking shepherd is a devil and esmeralda calling sarnax shepherd’s pet ->

shepherd answers, understably upset, “he’s not my pet, he’s a person!” i figured sarnax felt the same way, but when he was praying to gherix, he referred to shepherd as “a vessel for [gherix’s] wrath.” so that raised a question to me: does sarnax truly care for shepherd (in the way shepherd does), or does he view him as a tool? it’s interesting to think about. it could be him truly caring about shepherd and seeing him as a capable person who will have a great role in his god’s plans which, i imagine, is among the highest of honors — the first possibility in the question, but filtered through the lens of sarnax’s religious perspective (which i think is the most likely and most compelling)

and there’s the parallel with them being connected to gold and silver dragons: different, but the same. (unrelated tangent but there’s also a very interesting parallel between shepherd being chosen by the silver dragon [‘good’] and victoria being chosen by strahdanya [‘bad’])

sarnax saying “silver will unite with gold” is, on the surface, about the two dragon-gods involved in the story. but i think, on a deeper and probably unintended level, it also applies to shepherd and sarnax growing closer (as they have been since the prologue, following in the footsteps of their respective dragons, and shepherd connecting the two dragons by his faith in gherix and affinity to the silver dragon.

i think that’s everything! hopefully i wont post this and immediately remember something i didn’t mention

thank you for reading all of this <33

[wilsons-three-legged-siamese]

another fic of mine woah 😩

fandom; house md

can be interpreted as non slah or slah between house/wilson

summery; wilson is dying, being taken care of a person. but wilson cant remember who they are.

word count; 1.3k

tw; major character death.

a/n: i dont have ao3 so it shall not be put up on there. if it is notify me, ill say if i have given permission as if someone asks i probably will say yes.

this was based on the song "rises the moon - liana flores"

rises the moon.

days seem sometimes as if they'll never end.

its august. the 20th if we're being exact. coming to the close of summer and the opening of autumn, usually being my favourite time of the year. cozy sweaters, warm socks and scarfs, the perfect weather. usually sunny with a nice breeze. well, i wish i could enjoy it. instead, im stuck in bed, my breathing laboured and my body shaking. though, this year, summer was my favourite.. june. i really enjoyed that, when i could walk without aid and just, enjoy life. ever since mid july, ive been deteriorating quicker than an abandoned building, which has been agonising. i want the pain to go away, please. it hurts..

but i dont want to die.

from the bedroom, i hear the singing voice again, a soothing melody. their voice smooth and deep. i sigh softly, it being a sort of comfort for me, knowing at least someone was there and i wasn't alone. their humming and muffled singing drowns out the continuous beeping of the heart monitor besides me. they had stolen the machine after faking being ill in a walk-in clinic, once the doctor had done to complain to the dean about them being an ass, they smuggled the monitor and brought it back. the good ol' days hm? that day was probably the most ive complained and laughed for a long, long time.

a mass than sat on the bed, the weight shifting slightly on the mattress. i ket out an involuntary groan, my back being slightly unsupported.

"hey, i made some broth for you.. its 1, and i think you should at least try and drink it for me," they murmured.

the bowl, of what i assume was broth, was set down on the small table besides me. soon enough, long, lanky arms were wrapped around my middle, gently pulling me up to sit up. wait.. what time did they say again.. 1 was it? only.. 1?

the sun digs its heels to taunt you.

the rim of the bowl was scarcely pressed to my lips, the bowl being slightly hot. i signal them to tip it a little so i can take a sip. and so i do. and holy shit..

thats fucking amazing.

the warm, soupy liquid runs down my throat, a sort of feeling i dont get that often, especially being warm. the way he flavours mix together is phenomenal, the spices and the subtle beef. its flavourful, but not enough to freak my taste buds out, which happens all too often now.

"is it okay?" they ask, their voice soft and gentle.

i hum with a slight nod.

but after sunlit days, one thing stays the same:

rises the moon.

days fade into a watercolour blur.

its been.. maybe a week? my sense of time is so off, it could be a week for a few days.. lets say its been a few days - to make me feel better. im now slipping in and out of consciousness, which is concerning in itself. i dont know how long im out for at a time. theyve been becoming more and more worried about me. i mean, there was always an elephant in the room, hell even when i was first diagnosed. but, the elephant has been growing larger and larger than before, making it hard to ignore. we have to adress it sometime.

but its hard to breathe.

then im awoken by a coughing fit.

it shakes my whole body, racking everything as i shut my eyes tight, desperately trying not to wake them up behind me. but, of course they woke up, they always do. i tried to savour the two, lanky but muscular arms around my abdomen, as they were warm and comforting, but soon, all i could feel was pain.

"are you okay?" they ask, their voice still a bit groggy from sleep.

i hum, my voice still hoarse even though i barely made a sound.

this just reminds me of them, i swear something to do with an infarction to the leg. but i cant quite remember.. or remember them.. their face is slightly recognisable, but not by a lot at all. my memorys been wracked up.. pisses me off, i wanna know whos caring for me. i wanna thank them, using their name, recogising their face.

memories swim up and haunt me.

"hmm.. mm!" i hum, trying to catch their attention.

they run over, quickly turning me on my side and holding the bucket to my mouth. i start to cry as i retch, vomiting harshly into the bucket, they rub my back gently, mumbling words of encouragement and reassurance softly to me. finally, i stop. glancing down at the small puddle of bile and saliva, i frown slightly.

look into the lake, shimmering like smoke.

i look into their eyes. my, coffee like brown into their, ocean like blue. scared and helpless meet concerned and determined. they run their skinny, pianist fingers through my frail hair. they always wanted to care for me, secretly.

rises the moon.

"close your weary eyes, i promise you that soon the autumn comes to darken faded summer skys." they pause for a moment. "breathe, breathe, breathe."

almost immediately after hearing that, i start to cry, just a full on breakdown. they quickly embrace me, wrapping their arms around my middle. i dig my face into theit shoulder, tears still rolling down my pastey cheeks. its nice.

oh to be hugged like this again.

days pull you down just like a sinking ship.

its been a day? maybe.. i dunno anymore. it might've been 2, 3, 4 a week, who knows - not me thats fot sure. it might be september now, i last remember it was august, that seems like yesterday. them, my carer, whatever, i dont know their name anymore. i dont know who they are, i cant see.. its all blurry and fuzzy, so is my memory. i cant remember the last time i ate..

floating is getting harder.

"im sorry.." they mumble, their voice snapping me out of my thoughts - though it was barely above a whisper.

their thin fingers run through my hair again, gently letting it fall between the gaps and repeating.

oh, i forgot to mention, i also cant speak.. or breathe for that matter. i think the tumor - or tumors more like - have begun to press against my trachea and esophagus, making his hard to both eat and breathe. wheezing has become a normal, daily routine.

considering my condition,

i have tonight,

and thats it.

because of my fate, i keep repeating a phrase i once said to a child as they went through chemo. they had no parents, i was the best thing they had..

but thread the water, child, and know that meanwhile: rises the moon.

days pull you up just like a daffodil.

its the next day, i think. its really hard to just think. the weezings gotten worse, i feel awful, like horrendous. its awful... maybe i am ready to die. i can just subtly feek them holding my fraile hand, stroking their thumb over my knuckles. only barely. im scared, terrified more like. i dont even know who they are, but im scared for them.. they'll miss me definitely. what will they do when im gone? i dont know..

uprooted from its garden.

once again, i feel consciousness slip from underneath me. which is normal, very. but this wasn't normal.. i could still hear.

"they'll tell you what you owe," they mumble. "but know even so, rises the moon."

i try to smile, a small twinge of my lips. but nothing happens. i try to tell them i love them, but again, nothing happens.

"you'll be visited by sleep. i promise that the autumn comes to steal away each dream you keep." they choke back a sob.

"breathe, breathe, breathe." houses voice sobs.

they're house.

but its too late to tell him i love him.

[the-bjd-community-confess]

I joined the hobby with my sister in early 2003. We both got our first dolls at the same time but I hated my doll (she arrived blank) and I decided to not join the hobby because I hated the doll so much. My sister stayed active, but passed away in 2016, in which I got my first doll back when they were passing the inheritance and arranging everything. That was my reintroduction into the doll hobby, to connect with my sister in a way.

Enjoyed making friends with people in the community, generally found the community peaceful and positive. I liked playing and taking pictures of my dolls and was interested in trying OC and the biographies people posted because it looked fun.

in 2022 the rest of my family passed away in a car crash. Its been difficult for me to accept this and I keep going into states of "if this" or "if that", and I tried to connect to the hobby but I couldnt escape reality. It didnt help that my fathers side of the family were relentlessly trying to put a conservatorship on me, have me put in a mental hospital and seize control of me, my assets and finances forcing me to go to a psychiatrist and take medication just so I can have freedom and avoid them.

I decide to try and cheer myself by going to a doll event on holiday and get a chance on a doll that is coveted by a niche in the community, as in limited to a few dolls a year that you can only get in person in a certain location on certain dates by a lottery. This is a doll Ive been obsessed with getting, having won two YJA auctions for her (you arent supposed to buy them secondhand or sell them), only to have the sellers always refund the proxy. I won this doll, on my first lottery entry and I feel nothing.

I met two people and one was extremely kind, and the other that I thought I had a connection with was just disappointing to meet in person. Gossiping about people the whole time, including the person that was also there with us, always talking about why they were better than so and so because they did x. Talked about entering the lottery many times but always losing and not to get my hopes up because they dont pick nonresident foreigners. She also suggested I bring in someone to increase my chances, but I said I wanted to play fair and she shocked me when she said good answer; like it was a trick suggestion or she was waiting for an aha moment.

The pure anger on her face when I was called the winner, and then the comment about them picking the lottery winner like I was supposed to feel bad that I was picked instead of randomly chosen was weird to me. I just brushed it off as me being paranoid. Its not jealousy of the doll, but I think anger that they picked someone she saw as unworthy (me). She even called me a whale, but I just ignored the comment because I know Im not even remotely chubby back then.

Then she said something about how maybe this was the universe giving me a present because my whole family passed away a few months ago (at that time). This was the first time I told someone in the hobby about my familys passing and I felt completely emptied? deflated? by the comment. They may have not meant it to be negative, but I felt repulsed. TBH, I havent even taken the doll out of the box since getting her because I keep remembering that comment made. They probably didnt mean much, but it stuck to me. I cant even look at the doll's box without feeling sick. I just remembered this because its been a year + and I saw someone being annoyed that a oneoff winner didnt post an opening even though its been a few months, and now I feel worse because its been a year of her in the box.I was just waiting until I felt happy again so I can at least have the box opening be special. I dont know what to do because that comment; the universe giving me a doll in return of my whole family dying? I cant disassociate it and I wish I never met that person because I feel like it has made the doll hobby unenjoyable to me, but I also know its unreasonable to think this way because Ive met so many that are so nice and kind. I think Im reading into the comment more than its worth. I honestly feel pathetic for letting it affect me this much.

Sorry for writing all of this. I just wanted to get it out of my chest so I can maybe get back to normal. My friends dont like listening to this, because Im a man and am supposed to be more mature, and I also dont like holding on to anger, and I dont usually do, but I feel angry and sad all the time, when I know I should be grateful because I have a lot of blessings. Some might know who I am, and I hope they dont take it as a sign of me needing help, and more of just me venting if they read all of this, that my disinterest in a lot of things isnt them, its just Im not back to normal and I want to be.

~Anonymous

Mod: I'm so sorry anon, you've been through so much. 💗

This person sounds insecure and jealous and imo you should dismiss everything they said to you, it was not coming from a good place. You deserve to have joy and happiness in your life.

[hopskipandarump]

today i woke up, thought about the group of old schoolfriends who are meeting in town around christmas, and ended up leaving the fb group they made because, to be honest, im probably never gonna go to a meetup again. i havent gone for a fair few years now, and i remember the last time i went i was just... there, i guess. i wasnt in the conversations, i wasnt really present i guess. just set dressing while everyone else talked about stuff like their jobs or their uni experiences or how life is now theyve moved out of the town or buying houses or their weddings or trying for kids and i just

i dunno

i enjoyed the time we had but i dont think i really relate to them anymore. our lives and interests are all so very different and i feel like i should have quietly stepped away earlier because i wasnt even invited to some of my (during our schoolyears) closest friends weddings

im trying not to sit here and feel like im lagging behind or beat myself up about it because im disabled. theyre not. and i have a lot in my life i enjoy even if its not the usual thing of "get job -> move out -> get house -> marry -> shit out kid" because i never was normal and there was no fucking way i was gonna follow the stereotypical life journey everyone says you have to

i have good friends who i share hobbies with, i know who i am and i know im happy not being in a relationship because the chance of me actually liking somoene that way is so low, i'll never be able to work a "proper" job and thats ok - i'm disabled and i get money to live but i still make a little bit of my own with youtube. i do keep thinking about moving out of my town or saving for a house but i have so much shit tying me to the doctors here and then i have no fucking money and the only way im realistically getting a house is i either inherit it or someone else buys it for me

idk

today is a weird feeling day

i didnt expect leaving the group to feel like a weight taken off my shoulders or anything. i expected to feel conflicted. these are people i was friends with and around for like 3 years before i had to change schools and we tried and i did like them but i think it was more friends made from proximity and fuck man idk im just venting

at least im not the first one to leave i guess, someone who was arguably closer to them also isnt in the group anymore and i dont think she talks to any of us anymore but its not like i would know given that i dont talk to them anymore past maybe one of them commenting on a tiktok or something

this isnt even going into the OTHER group from wales who pretended to put up with me when they didnt like me (other than 2 of them - which out of everyone i mentioned are some of the only people who invited me to their wedding, which i have been invited to TWICE in all the years ive knowsome of these people) and never told me to my face that they didnt like me or want to be around me and that all culminated in them just. not turning up while i waited for them at a convention. and they never replied in the group chat when i asked them where they were and the only reason i know they didnt turn up was because one of the two that i still talk to sometimes told me the group wasnt coming

[fappellmoan]

ok and now i need to talk this out on here cause like in all reality idc that much but this is just a little. awk. i might do this under the cut just so i can talk in a bunch of little paragraphs if thats chill ok ty

sooooo right ive mentioned that sam has been talking abt having beef specifically w his roommates but also that friend group at large bc they went on spring break trips w/o him. The roommate took a duo trip with fellow dyke and everyone else did like a big thing together erm

right thats just the context idrc except for the amount of times sams vaguely alluded to it and idk any other details. um but he has called his roommates like the 'poison pills' of the whole ordeal since they literally live together (but they havent been that close. prob since their freshman year when sam was out for a semester. which isnt inherently er bad but hes acting like hes been victimized for the last few years)

and like last night after this long sesh of working on our assignment sam and i r walking to the bus stop and he says something about finding out just like shitty awful drama and how it sucks having to live with 'two of those people' lmao sorry im not laughing im just like. whatever

this said i have plans to see. should i name sams roommate. ok i cant do that rn but we have plans to hang on monday and i would be seeing sam like immediately after for class. and esp if we're hanging out on campus like we might have a repeat of last time where sam spots us out and im not sure if he'd approach and hang this time. but hes obviously aware that me and them like chat

so it's like not so subtle that hes trying to get me to either ask abt the roommate or flat out not trust/see them anymore and i just havent engaged which might come across as "fake" but like. well ill be honest man theyre all a year younger than me and that doesnt mean much but it does feel very immature to handle things this way idk the whole story but im not gonna get roped into the like Omg i cant talk to this person bc of beef idk about...

and maybe i should feel worse abt not being #loyal to someone who is or at least at one point was considered a friend esp when it comes to someone that yeah ig he does know better than i but i dont... sorry ive been talking abt this bitch like cady and regina george except im not psychosexually obsessed im just like. hes been more insufferable than i remember lately yk.

i feel the Tiniest bit bad and like oh have i taken advantage of u bc yk we've hung and smoked and had dinner together often at ur place and def wormed my way into talking to the roommate via u etc but then i remember the way sam talks abt like anything and i dont feel all that bad

and theres this whole thing abt the eclipse i dont have plans to go see it it might happen last second but now after sams asked me abt it and messaged me like yeah idk we (him and his bestie) could maybe take a bus but we'd need a place to stay (asking to stay w my family bc i mentioned it like once on my close friends) and then theyre like going to a diff city anyway like oh my gooooood it's gonna be seen as shady and i dont really CARE i just need assurance that this is stupid as hell and its ok if im a little bit of an asshole about it. i dont think being mad abt the eclipse would hold up but w/e

has not been at the top of my worries and still isnt but now that this is all coming up in the next week im like frank g*llagher voice (sorry) oh Jesus Christ. you know

[fake-ascension]

@elegyofthemoon sent a few numbers from that oc ask meme to answer abt nikolai but since my art side-blog has my old url tumblr sent it there instead fjdklsfjds

1. does your oc have any motifs?

ok so i have some thoughts on this because. my first drafts for nikolai were back in july 2022 (i got into the lore then but didnt start playing for another year) and one of the first videos i remember watching was the teyvat chapter trailer where all the nations are outlined and after seeing lyney & lynette for fontaine i knew i needed to make a circus ringmaster oc (which started my circuscore phase that never ended. i actually made acrylic charms outta nikolai in lil circus outfits) at the time tho we knew NOTHING about fontaine so he was really undeveloped besides from 'son of a fontainian noble family who was sold to a traveling circus because of his physical mutations' so now the main fontaine story is over and done ive had a lot more material to work with and changed his character direction around so some of his existing motifs are: -circus based design/aesthetics -has a very strong moral code & sense of justice in his personal relationships, regardless of any faction loyalties -hates fontaine's corrupt justice system that failed him (though that hatred manifests more towards neuvillette rather than furina, now)

2. describe your character's voice. do they have a voice claim?

i dont do voice claims at all. because i find it rlly hard to imagine how my ocs would talk outside of my mind fjdkslfjd for nikolai its even harder since theres like two different versions of him existing in my head, because he was a lot more unhinged and leaned into the unnerving circus freak identity pre-fontaine but post-archon quest i've been able to develop his backstory & interactions with others further and hes much more mellow & somber. and they both sound Very Different. unhinged cannibal niko still exists in my heart even if its not canon anymore

6. what is the thing your oc likes the least about themselves?

initially, it was 100% his appearance and disability since it led to him caged like an animal to be put on display. but after being let out of the cage & later being taken in by arlecchino, he dislikes how cowardly he feels. unable to even set foot in fontaine and show his face again to face silvaus again. he was originally really angry that silvanus didnt somehow step in and save him but when the other house of hearth members start giving him updates about silvanus' health condition after they nearly worked themself to death while building a case against their parents in court. to make sure nikolai got his justice even though silvanus had no idea if he was dead or alive. he could be angry anymore but uses the 'i dont need to complicate her life after everything she went through for my sake. she deserves closure' excuse to never talk/see her again

7. what is the thing your oc likes the most about themselves?

he knows that hes a good personal with good values, even though he knows the fatui in general have unsavory practices but its a means to an end to make the world a better place. he knows that his values of individual people>group led him to be very good at forming connections will all kinds of people regardless if theyre for or against the fatui. his personal ideals bring value to the fatui so that they can change the world for the better

[mortuaest]

Large rant, sorry. Please ignore if any of the trigger warnings are going to be an issue. I need to get it off of my chest because if I rant on FB I get hit with a character limit and I should make a personal Tumblr which I think I have but dont remember shit about.

Ive been having severe, and I mean severe as fuck mental and emotional breakdowns because of the fact that its literally been almost a year (Its going to be a year October 29th) since I've had to put down Ice Cube, my ESA of 14.5 years. He had cancer in his cheek and it was placed right to where it would effect his quality of life severely negatively if we tried to surgically take it out, and he would possibly die on the table if we did it because of his age, and he was declining (He wasn't eating, he was drinking, he really wasnt eating as much as I wanted him to, he was spitting back up the pills I was giving him, he was suffering) and my mental and emotional health has been severely suffering each and every day that passes without him.

I have another cat, I got him in April, thinking I was alright. Which I was I guess. Im being reminded via FB memories and just my own fucked up brain wanting me to join him to where I'm legit giving myself until December 31st, 2023 to have someone. Anyone give me a fucking sigh to keep on living. Im going to be going through a program my friend suggested to make a will, making her I forgot the words she used but shes going to make sure that my will is listened to and Albert Whisker, the cat I have now is taken care of.

I cant keep on living, and the fact that this heartbreak is fucking me up so badly to the point where the large baggie of medications (ranging from insomnia medications to Very STRONG painkillers and such, as well as my daily medications the day of me going to attempt) is very tempting to take now. And I mean very tempting. Meaning I almost took it yesterday, after my first mental break and me physically hurting myself by slamming a brush ungodly hard into my head because I legit believe I deserve everything that has happened to me (The physical, emotional and mental abuse that I got for 20 some odd years from my mother, the severe car accident from last year, the rapes, everything. My friends being murdered or dying around me, loosing the only thing that even brought light to my life).

No one in my life cares. No one seems to care. Ive been severely struggling and each time IVe even bothered to reach out for help via friends. Since my father hates me for being trans and my sister doesnt give a fuck to even bother to help me. My mother was the cause of my two rapes/sexual assaults in my life and wants me dead because Im autistic. No one wants to help, or no one seems interested in even keeping me around.

Cosplay isnt helping. Video games aren't either. I havent felt any happiness since last year. I could deal with this if he was still alive. But at the same time Im lying to myself, I havent known what made me happy other than my past cat Ice Cube. I stayed for him since I love him. I had him since he was five weeks old. We bonded. Its not the case with Albert and I feel he loves me but we dont have the connection and never will.

Im never going to feel anything other than severe misery and depression. At least, that's what I 100% believe.

TLDR: Im severely struggling and dont know what to do anymore. I dont trust my new therapist even though she has stated more than once and my friend who also goes to her has stated more than once she wont send me to inpatient or CPAP and she tries to avoid hospitalization if we can. But because of multiple decades of PTSD, abuse, and being denied the proper treatment, help, support from friends and family that I should of gotten Im at the point where Im giving myself until December 31st to find a reason to stay alive and if I dont then Im letting my queue run out.

[ghoulodont]

ok i was planning to make an unnecessary & longwinded post about my personal experiences (or lack thereof) that i used for the last fic i wrote so here it is

my understanding is that the two general categories of wisdom teeth extractions are if they are erupted you can pop them right out and any dentist can do it, or if they are impacted and/or unerupted its more of a surgical situation. mine was definitely in the second category (they were unerupted and i went specifically to an oral surgeon). and ive gathered that in the second category there is generally some sedation involved.

there is a significant split between these two experiences by location depending on how strict the recommendation is that you should not remove teeth that havent caused any problems yet. this is what they recommend in any place that has socialized healthcare because they can use evidence based (for better or worse) guidelines rather than a consumer based you just buy whatever healthcare you want or can afford type of situation.

anyway, in my case, the second category, sedation was involved, yes. however. im not sure what the intention was but i had nitrous oxide and my experience was simultaneously being way too high and way too aware. i definitely could feel & hear them crunching around in there WAY more than i needed to. like i was blasting off into outer space but i took the surgeon with me. also i remember the local anesthetic wearing off at one point, but i was too fucked up to communicate this effectively, leading to this exchange:

me: ow surgeon: are you feeling pain or just pressure me: i dont know surgeon: ok well pressure is this (he presses on my shoulder) and pain is like when someone is cutting you with a knife (i assume he was recently cutting me with a knife and i said ow) me: i dont know

it was so unpleasant. then he gave me more local anesthetic and i said ow again about that which frustrated him. and i remember all this. everything i read about sedation was talking about how much you would not remember. what was the point?

i didnt subject rain to that exactly because 1. nitrous oxide seems less common especially outside of the usa and 2. i had a better and more fun experience to use:

when i had surgery, like real surgery about organs kind of surgery, im convinced they gave me the same medication used for conscious sedation (midazolam) right beforehand and honestly it was great. good vibes all around.

in my experience, which yes you already read but: i truly did not give a fuck what they were doing to me. and they really did very little to me then and nothing at all distressing so its kind of a moot point? the more interesting thing was i went in there thinking i would probably die (unrealistic, it was a very safe procedure. however i did almost get hit by a train on my way to the hospital) and when they gave me this drug i was like... ok goodbye world, its been fun. i still thought i was going to die but i did not care at all. this is the feeling i channeled. highly recommend it.

the painkiller that made rain fall off the bed was also taken not from my wisdom teeth experience but from this surgery/hospital experience. i was not falling off the bed because they put you in a bed with rails like a toddler but i do remember holding onto said rail for dear life. i dont even know what they gave me because i was in a foreign country and all the drugs were called different things. they sent me home with some after surgery and i did NOT take it thank you very much.

anyway i think it turned out logically sound at least, despite my sort of making it up. it was fun hearing little bits of other peoples experiences in the comments too, thank you :)

[thecolour]

time for the annual tumblr vent post get ready gentlemen

I went off my antidepressants.

God only knows if it was a good decision or not. For the first few weeks I felt so happy, so inexplicably happy, in a way I haven't felt in years. I had this strange sense of inner peace? I started noticing details of the things around me and appreciating them, if that makes sense. It's like I was wearing fogged up glasses and then I suddenly took them off, felt actual emotions instead of this muted barely there version. I knew it wouldn't last forever - weirdly enough I even went to a church to think about it.

But it's been a month or two now and that feeling is still there but now there's also so much anxiety. I'm scared that I'm doing something wrong or weird, that I'm behaving differently than I used to and someone will call me out on it any second. That I'm not right.

When I was in therapy I figured out my parents had this mold (mould? I can never remember which spelling is which) for me that I could never quite fit. There was always too much of me to fit or the clay was wrong or some other contrived metaphor. If I wasn't being exactly as I was supposed to be or I was doing something my own way my dad would flip. He'd panic, almost. It most likely had something to do with how he was raised and I think he was scared too. But now I'm so hypervigilant about doing something wrong that I feel afraid of any interaction that i have. But I never know what I could be doing wrong - because its all in my head - I'm imagining these "missteps" that I'm making. Well I hope I'm imagining it at least. That part was still there when I was on meds but I was so indifferent to everything it wasn't as painful.

I wish I could just ask someone: "Hey!!! Am I weird? Am I making this weird? Was what I just said annoying? Am I a horrible person?" But it wouldn't be fair of me to put that on someone.

It's not all bad. I feel - well I feel. I'm actually enjoying my hobbies instead of just going through the motions. I have actual motivations and I can analyse my thoughts instead of just blankly ignoring everything.

I even wrote something today! I haven't done that in years - I didn't realise I actually missed it. I'm proud of that I think. I forgot I could care about the things I'm doing.

Its like. For years of my life I was hearing this horrible screeching noise and the older I got the louder it got. But one day I put ear mufflers on. I could still hear it a little bit but I could ignore it - and with that, I couldn't hear anything else, like I've gone half deaf and never realised, like ive forgotten what the world sounds like. Now I've taken the ear mufflers off and I can hear the noise again but I can also hear everything else for the first time in years. But the noise isn't actually real y'know. Or maybe I was the one making that noise all this time. Maybe at some point when I was a kid someone made that noise for me and I just started copying it.

I think going back on medication would stop this. But I dont want to lose the ability to expierience things again, now that I realise it's there. I don't know if I can give that up.

Also my parents gave away my dog and I'm too sad to admit that to anyone.

[fraberry-stroobcake]

below i decided to leave you with a tasty (for some) treat of my thoughts and process for these illustrations. if you like long text posts with wip test drawings and a very small piece of sky lore for the game (not its world) then please feel free to keep reading!

yay! thank you for choosing to read this! <3

a small preface, tumblr basically erased all of my work on this post so im writing this right after (still in shock and verry angry) and i might forget to include some of the details now :(( so i apologize if that happens

to start, i want to give a BIG big thank you to @yelltochek, without them i would have never found out about this project!!

im actually quite embarrassed about this, but.. i only found out about "zines".... half a year ago (winter/spring 2023).... dont ask me how, just know that if you follow me in the future - this is quite a common occurrence, because most of the time im in my own tiny bubble.. [if you dont know what zines are ill try and do my best to explain]. after that, i felt really lost because i had no idea how people find zines OR how artists find them early enough to sign up!! luckily @yelltochek was kind enough to give me a heads up for the then upcoming Memory Sky Zine!!!! so thats how it started!

i already had a pretty good idea of what i wanted. see, back in the ooool days (im a veteran, but i was a very silly moth for a veeery long time) the first area in praire after social hub looked a bit different from how it does today.... we actually had a big hill that you had to use to be able to reach the entrance of the bird nest area! [below is a screenshot i took from early august of 2019]

i wanted to bring it back for all those who also played back in the day to remember this hill..

at first, i basically wanted to just redraw the screenshot

but then i realized that i dont like the angle + plus this photo was taken on the mountain so noone would obviously look at this place from there on casual days, especially moths. and so, i took a screenshot in game now and moved the camera down to where everyone would walk at least once as a moth:

aaand I was pretty happy with the angle.. i wanted to make sure that the important landmarks of this area were visible (forgive my poor attempts at trying to name them):

the round hill

the little cave

the arch to the village

the praire temple

eden :o

the big hill

the entrance to bird nest + the arch + the winged light and

the paths, flowers and butterflies

i wanted them all to be in the drawing and it was quite a bit tricky with the size of the canvas we were given for the zine pieces actually. but i think i made it work at this stage. mostly..

and so after that i started thinking about what i wanted to do for the second drawing. i thought about maybe the first time i had a conversation with a stranger / one with an ultimate gift; first time falling in home when we play sky.. and then i thought about my first friends that ive made.

we met in wasteland, in the area with the first krill and (to spare the details, plus its a story for another time) they helped me face my fear of it. but then i realized that i dont have a screenshot (couldnt find one at least :c ) of how they looked back then and i would get sad if i did it wrong... aaaaand also realized that this might just be a bit too overwhelming for poor ol me.

so, i decided to simplify the idea to just a moth facing a krill for the first time, since its definitely happened to everyone at least once:

as you might guess, i realized that the two drawings at that point would have looked basically the same, with the moth facing away from the camera. and maybe it would have actually looked good, like how this game makes us feel so many emotions, from peace to terror.. but i just wasnt happy with that. so, i started thinking which one of them i should change.

i thought about making the moth in praire play with butterflies, or maybe even add multiple skykids there.... but then i was afraid that the main focus of that drawing would shift.. annd then it hit me: how can i make it obvious to people who havent played sky that early that this was a thing and not me making a weird mistake Aand keep it as the main focus? POLAROID PHOTO!!

as you can see in the test drawing i was trying to make the cave entrance visible in the polaroid, but it just kinda messed up the terrain, so i had to make the changes that you see in the final illustration. and im still in love with the result even if its not the best.

could i have done a better job with this? put it more in focus somehow? make the krill in the other one darker, scarier and spikier?? probably.

but this was the first time ive ever drawn anything with the background playing the main focus or just such a huge role for the ambiance and with so much detail put into it. this was HUGE for me, with both of these. its also worth mentioning that i couldnt use my tablet to draw the final illustrations so this was also me using my computer for the first time for smth as serious as this. its actually CRAZY. and these two are probably one of the only drawings ill stay proud of as i go forward..

and i hope ill be able to participate in more projects like this one.... so psplsplpslsplspls if you know about any zines/other projects or anything plsplspls let me know about them because im still terrible at finding things and staying on top of whats going on in the art world!!!!!!

so, thank you for reading this far!! if youre interested in more posts like this where i share my thoughts / art progress or at least make long text posts like this one - let me know! without your feedback im only stuck here with my own bad thoughts :')

i hope you had fun seeing into my brain and have a nice day!!

Also, if you want a commission from me similar to these two - feel free to contact me!

my pieces for the memory sky zine!

i worked really hard on these, so i would really appreciate to hear if you like them!

[grippingbeskar]

The Element of Surprise | Chapter Seventeen

Part Seventeen: The Force

mando x fem!reader

word count: 7.9k

warnings: canon typical violence, description of injuries, mentions of blood

a/n: WOW i cant believe ive stuck with something this long - i think I only have like two chapters left?? i wanna do an epilogue too so plus that but I think just two omg! thx for reading u beautiful people

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

You needed to change clothes.

When you scrambled out of the room you hardly got to spend 24 hours in, you didn’t even think of grabbing clothes. Your bag was sinking low on your back, straining your shoulders with the weight of whatever weapon you stuffed in there, though.

At least that was something.

Din left a strew of weapons around the Razor Crest, and you noticed how he stopped keeping his few personal items locked up the longer you spent around him. Now, he just dumps whatever he was carrying and knows it will be just as safe where he leaves it, because he trusts you. Your heart pulls at the mere thought of him.

You didn’t think that an emotional feeling could cause such a physical response, but you feel it everywhere - like you were being dragged underwater by it. You missed him - so much it made your mouth dry and your body cold. The only thing worse than the longing, though, was that you were worried about him. You know he can take care of himself, you’ve seen him in action enough to be sure, and he’s been doing this kind of thing alone for years before he ever met you - but it didn’t make the terrifying thoughts in your brain any less real, and did nothing to soothe the pit in your gut when you imagined who was after him. It was physically exhausting - trying to keep yourself somewhat composed enough to take care of the kid while simultaneously look for any sign your bounty hunter was still alive.

Your first thought was to make your way back to the ship - but after checking with the same mechanic you left it with, it was clear Din hadn’t so much as passed by. The mechanic remembered you - and the speed in which he ran away as soon as you took your leave told you he would have remembered seeing the Mandalorian.

So - you gather your information.

The ship was still here, meaning there was a very large possibility he was still on the planet. It would take an army to tie him down, so your mind isn’t convinced he would have been taken off world. There was still a few days before all the repairs on the Razor Crest would be finished, and you gave the mechanic your best puppy dog eyes to convince him to work as fast as possible. But - there was still at the very least 48 hours.

Anything could happen in 48 hours.

Ships continue to zip past as if nothing has happened. The planet still beats down in heat with its risen sun, people open up there stalls next to you preparing for yet another day, but time had stopped for you. It was the first time in months that you remembered what it was like to be truely on your own. A little hand came out the top of your bag and whacked you on the head again.

“You do that again and i’ll cut off.” You grumble and hear him squeak.

Okay, that was mean.

“Hey. I’m sorry, okay. I’m just scared, and stressed. I know you are too.” You feel him - not his little hand but his energy reaching out to you like that first time under the tree. You can see flashes of things - lights, planets you don’t recognise, faces and voices that don’t match. Moments that you remember and some that you dont, and they all blend together. You have to take a few steps to the side and lean against a wall, your head starting to pound at the intensity of his Force slamming into your brain.

Grogu is showing you something. He’s trying to share something but it’s all fuzzy. You can’t tell if it’s him not being clear or you not being focused. It’s all coming so fast - so you zero in on one. It’s the one that seems the strongest, holds your attention the most as it flashes past.

It’s one of Din - of course it would be.

You see the image come into view, clearer now that you have something to focus on. You remember this, remember this moment that plays in front of you. The background comes first, busy city and hot air surrounding you. Nevarro. Home of the Guild, he called it. You know this is your memory because you remember how you felt here.

You were angry with Din. Angry because he’d left you alone in the ship for hours after he…

Shaking the thought away you keep searching the memory, trying to keep concentration through all of the power surging through you. That’s when see another body come into view. Your hand felt cold, because it was resting on the knee of beskar armour, and you were sitting in a cantina. It was strange to see yourself - know that you were there but watch as if you were a stranger. You were sitting next to Din, and there was someone opposite the two of you.

Greef Karga.

He slides you a drink, you know it’s him because you remember he mentioned your father that day. He knew him. You listen to the voice - you see Kargas mouth moving, the words slightly out of sync as he spoke.

“I thought you might recognise him.” The holo gram. You remember why you were there in the first place - Din was picking up new bounties. Karga slides the puck closer to you, and you see yourself lean in as he continues to speak.

“Part of the crew that are responsible for your father’s untimely demise. Take it if you want, don’t if you don’t, but I had a feeling you might be the type interested in a little revenge.” A small burn comes to your throat as you stare at the face in the holo gram. It’s a face you would never forget - the face that belonged to the body of the man that slaughtered your people like they were nothing more than farm animals. The face that killed your father, tore apart your life and your family - destroyed everything. Your mind starts to fracture and you lose the memory for a second - Grogu’s urgency splicing you.

“I can’t - slow down, kid.” You hear him squirming around, and the memory plays again, a little cleaner now. The words sync up with his movements, and you can’t help but look at Din as he sits next to you, obscuring your body from view. You didn’t notice at the time, but every so often he would stare at the hand that hung around the back of your chair and then look away, as if he was contemplating where he should put it. You blink a few times as the memory continues.

“Take it if you want” Karga says. Dins hand comes up and slides the puck into his pocket. He took it. You completely forgot that he took it. You were mad at him after, too. The emotion rushes back and you stumble a little, leaning harder on the wall as it hits you all at once. You thought he didn’t trust you enough to take it on yourself. You argued with him, and then he told you why he refused to let you follow it. Why he wouldn’t follow it. You hear his voice in your head and you physically sink down the wall at the sound of it.

“Why give this to me now?” Memory-Din snaps your focus back in as he speaks to you. He knew Karga better than you, better than probably most because he was so damn observant, so he knew it wasn’t out of the kindness of his heart that Karga gave this tracking fob over, and that he made it a point to do it in front of you. “Something else at play.” His voice begins to fade out and you try your hardest to focus, to reel it back in, but soon your vision returns and the memories are gone, so too is the comfort of his voice. You stare at the opposite wall - it was almost the colour of beskar.

“Holy shit. That’s where he’s going?” Finally your mind comes back to you and you suck in a breath. Grogu just whacks you on the head again, as if he was trying to push you forward. You shake your head in disbelief. You don’t really know what to think right now. Most of you is happy - ecstatic even. You have direction, you know the kind of person chasing him. At least it’s not the empire.

But you couldn’t help the low burning in your stomach. You were a little angry. Not really - he was missing and there was nothing more important than finding him. But he made you feel like an idiot for even thinking about going after that bounty. He called it a trap, and now he had put himself in harms way on purpose.

For what reason - you had no idea. You would deal with that later, because there would be a later. You would have all the time in the world to argue with him and be mad at him, so long as you had him with you. The anger soon chips away, worry gnawing in your chest and Grogu whacks you on the head again.

“Okay! Okay, I get it. You have any more smart ideas about where I should try first?” You open your mind and instantly - as if the Force was just waiting for you to reach out, you know where you should go. You turned left, the beating sun interrupted as you walked by the flashes of ships that zipped past. You tried to clear your mind as best you could, but as you focused on your goal, it was impossible to get Din out of your head.

You’ve seen these guys take down entire groups of trained Jedi. Hell - they probably killed your father. He was strong in the Force, and a skilled fighter - so was everyone on your home planet, and they were slaughtered all the same.

Your mouth went dry again as you started to sweat. You turned right, and prayed to anyone listening that they would lead you to him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Maker, you missed him.

Just walking down these streets again, you remember when you arrived just a day ago. How easily time passed - too fast - just talking about nothing. You were really trying to focus on what you were doing - but you were so in your head that it was almost impossible to do anything but drown in your own stupid thoughts.

It’s been a few hours since you last tried the comm link, and you haven’t said a word out loud since - too absorbed in your own mind. Grogu has fallen asleep in your bag, and your glad he doesn’t have to be awake for this walk - you knew you probably weren’t that great company right now. You can’t help but imagine what would have happened to him if you hadn’t told Din to bring him in the room, if he hadn’t been sleeping right next to your head. Even if you had woken up a second later. The blaster in your bag feels a little heavier now you know you’d have to use it if they caught up to you again.

Eventually, the people bustling around you start to thin out, not because it gets later but because you start to reach the outskirts of the city. The buildings are far shorter and fewer between, less ships have been whizzing past as you walk further out. You only notice because of how hot it starts to get and you miss the occasional breeze of a speeder as they fly past. Tatooine is hot, but you had never maintained a connection to the Force this long on that planet, and it was taking its toll. It took focus and a lot of your energy to consistently find the right path, so at the first sign of a semi-safe spot out of the sun, you collapse on the side of the road.

There was a cutoff just past the end of the street, and a few crates stacked up sheltered you from any peering eyes. You also take note of the fence, and how it was small enough for you to get over but tall enough to buy you some time if you have to make an exit. This was the shit you had to think about back on Tatooine when you first arrived, before you found a little place. You slept on the streets for about three months, so it’s not the familiarity of the cool concrete beneath you that sends a slow shiver down your spine.

You had thought you’d never be out here again.

Since you met Din, you had dared to dream that these days might be behind you. He made you feel safe. Protected - like, how even though you knew you could, you wouldn’t have to fend for yourself any more. You would protect each other. You even missed how people slid out of your way when you were with him, the hustling city sending people flying into your shoulders and nearly knocking you down every few feet. You forgot what it was like to feel invisible, and you don’t like the taste.

The bag slides to your side and Grogu’s sleepy head pops out. Seeing his giant bug eyes makes you smile a little, feeling you back in.

“Hey, buddy. You doin’ okay in there?” He gurgles a sound and you think it means he’s happy, but doesn’t smile. You know he must be missing Din too. They’d spent a long time together before you. He jumps out of the bag into your lap. You were pretty tired - all that flying around in the ship has done nothing for your stamina. Maybe if you just rested here for a second….

It’s almost as if he knew. As soon as you closed your eyes, the comm link crackled static. Like it was turning on.

You move so fast Grogu screeches in your lap. The comm link was still in your ear - you were scared you would miss something if you put it down for even a second.

“Hello?!” You shout and whack at the side of your head. You lower your voice to say his name a couple times, and sink into the silence that follows. Nothing comes back, and you say more words, any words you can think of to fill it. He has to be there.

Waiting. Still static.

“Din?” you whisper, voice shaking.

Suddenly-

“Ge- outsi- ty. Co-“ That voice. His voice. How-

“Din! Shit - Din! Where are you?!” More static. A few blaster shots, you know what they sound like through the comms. Then -

“Get out of- city. I’ll find you.” A full clear sentence, only interspersed by what you can only describe as chaos crackling down the comms. You don’t have any time to question it.

“I am! Din, just tell me where you are! Please!” Grogu was wildly buzzing around on the floor, clearly hearing the same voice.

“I’ll find you.” The static comes back and then the line goes dead.

“Din! Hey!” You take the comm out of your ear for the first time in hours and try to turn the camera on. You don’t see the green light like last time, and no more static has buzzed.

He’s gone again.

“Din!” You said a little half hearted.

It was pointless. Maker, he could be anywhere on this planet being shot at and your sitting in some dumb alley feeling sorry for yourself. You put the comm back in your ear and bite your lip to try and not cry. You are so focused you nearly miss it.

“-always find you, cyar’ika.” His voice crackles through the static one final time before cutting off for good. Your heart swells. It’s been less than a day and you nearly forgot what that word sounded like coming from him. Even muffled, with a heaving breath in between it made you warm all over. You knew what it meant now - sweetheart. He knew exactly what you needed from miles and miles away and -

Oh god, you needed to move. Like, now.

“Come on, kid. Let’s get the fuck out of here.” You scoop him back up into your bag and swing it over your shoulder. You pull the blaster out before, though, and attach it to your hip.

Just in case.

You were tired as shit and your legs hurt, but he needed you, and hell if you weren’t going to get to him.

You let yourself focus. Stepping out onto the street, your eyes fluttered shut as the Force buzzed all around you. You needed calm, your emotions were through the roof right now. The only person who even seemed to allow you that peace, though, was Din

So you drilled into that. Him - his voice, the words he whispered in your ear he thought you were asleep. Helmet off and body warm behind you in a makeshift bed. The way he feels - his skin, every scar and where they were and how they feel under your hand. How he reacts when your lips drag over each part of him, the sounds he makes. You see him in your mind - and he’s helping. Guiding. Just like before you jumped out the window. Like he has all along. You turn right out of your little alley. You feel Dins hand, how surprisingly soft it was against your cheek that first time he touched you. How it lit a line of fire across your face, how he left your breathless from that one touch.

You turn left, catching yourself off guard. You were doing this. For him. For yourself.

You keep walking.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Eye spy with my little eye, something beginning with ‘S’.” Grogu squeaks out a little sound in answer, and you sigh in defeat. “Yup. Sand again. You are just too good at this.” He slinks back into the bag, shuffling around to get comfortable.

Lucky guess, considering all you’ve been able to see for the past few hours is god damn sand. Ever since the city disappeared into the horizon behind you, it’s gotten significantly darker, and you could only just make out the lights of ships passing the taller buildings as they sped home. You had been following your senses as best you could, sometimes just closing your eyes and letting your mind lead you completely, but doing it for this long was exhausting.

He told you to get out of the city - but you had no idea how far that was, nor did you have any idea where to go from here. Exactly - here. As in right where you were standing in this moment. It’s like your mind just went blank.

No matter how hard you tried, there was not even another hint of where to move from this exact spot. You were in the middle of the plains outside of the city. The only evidence of life was the glowing city in the distance.

You were so far from everything - why would your mind lead you here?

Doubt began to wash over you - how could it not?

You were walking around half blind on a foreign planet, under a shit tonne of stress trying to follow the vaguest of instructions that has now led you to the middle of nowhere. You spun around in your spot, waking Grogu with your movement, who finally popped his head out. His head spun around in excitement.

“Be my guest.” You mumble in defeat as he begins to wriggle around. You swing the back pack off your shoulders and gently place it on the ground in front of you. Grogu jumps out and begins to wander around aimlessly in front of you, and you slump onto the ground in exhaustion.

Everything hurt. Your head was pounding from how hard you had to concentrate all day - trying to follow your own intuition was something that did not come naturally to you, years of suppressing your abilities have clearly made it hard to maintain. That paired with the overwhelming power of Grogu’s intensity earlier, you didn’t care how dirty the ground was, you could sleep right here if you weren’t so god damn terrified for Din.

As soon as you think of him, Grogu squeaks. You turn your head and struggle to see him at first in the dimming light. He’s gotten further away than you thought, your mind starting to faulter in your exhaustion, so you grab your bag and hurry over to him, adjusting the blaster on your hip. As you go to move, you nearly stumble over, feeling light headed.

No - just a little longer.

He’s waddling around in a circle, kicking at the sand as if he’s found something you don’t see.

“Sand, bud. Plenty of it.” You kick at the pile next to your foot, and the scrape of your boots against something hard makes you stop. Dropping to your knees you can feel the difference underneath you. Oh.

It’s metal. Like the floor of the Razor Crest. Hard and unnatural in the terrain.

Swiping at the dirt and sand, more and more metal is revealed under the dying light. You would have missed it completely if it wasn’t for the kid - you expose as much of it as you can from your spot. After a while, hinges and ridges are slowly revealed.

Silver reflects back at you, and you twist your body on the spot to fully examine the space. Not big enough for more than two people to fit side by side. -

Its a trap door.

Or maybe just a door. More like a hatch. There’s a handle, so you pull it.

It’s locked.

Of course it’s locked.

“You are so smart, kid. Think you can pull this open for us?” Grogu had ten times the strength you did, so if anyone was going to be able to open this door, it was him - and you would help. As much as your exhausted brain could.

It took all of your concentration as Grogu waddled over next you to even focus on the surface. You ran your hands over the hinges - reinforced metal. You shuffle back, knees aching as you slide off the centre of the hatch. You and Grogu used your combined strength, beginning to pull the trap door upwards.

You tried to focus - calm your breathing. You thought of Din, how he needed you now, needed you to focus and just push a little bit longer even though your head was throbbing and every muscle in your body was screaming at you to stop. You were starting to shake. You knew you were pushing yourself further than you should - but you needed this. Needed to find where he was and if you just looked a little harder for a little longer you could -

“I’ve been looking for you, girl.”

Your eyes shot open at the feeling of the end of a blaster being pressed into the flesh of your neck.

Fuck.

You were so concentrated on the hatch. On finding your way. You were followed - and you didn’t even realise.

The blaster pressed harder to the back of your neck. Your own pressed into your thigh. The kid waddled in front of you and one hand shot out to bring him closer to you. The other inched a little closer to the blaster. Just an inch -

“One more move and you lose your head.” You felt him step closer. Everything was on high alert. You suddenly felt strong.

No pain.

Adrenaline. Powerful shit.

You could hear your own heartbeat. Grogu’s heartbeat. Both were fast.

Unlike whoever was behind you.

He was deadly calm.

You heard the click of the gun. You closed your eyes.

He wouldn’t shoot. You don’t know why you knew - but he wouldn’t shoot. The gun will not go off, and he wouldn’t pull the trigger. That’s why he was so calm. He knew he was just here to intimidate, which meant he probably had back up somewhere. Your eyes flicked to the side and Grogu squeaked in your arm as you saw a quick flash of metal. Another man appeared to your right, then another to your left. The one on the left had his gun raised, and his heart rate was elevated slightly. If anyone was going to shoot, it would be this guy.

“Toss the gun.” You don’t move - just monitor. Trying to gauge how much you can get away with right now. If it was just you, you probably would have made a move already. It was dark so you had cover, and you knew with all this adrenaline you could run far enough into the outskirts - but the kid. You couldn’t trust yourself to keep him safe as well. You were outnumbered and weighed down. “Toss the gun, or my friend isn’t gonna be so nice to your little womp rat here.”

The guy on the left clicked his gun. He would shoot if you didn’t do what he said. The gun on your neck was still pressing painfully tight. You toss your gun just out of reach.

“There’s a good girl. Just like your daddy.” Your eyes goes wide and you don’t hold back as you whirl around - but it’s too late.

The butt of the gun whacks you straight in the face as you spin, and the world goes black.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You suck in a huge breath.

It felt like someone was standing on your chest. When you sucked in more oxygen a sharp pain shot up your right side. He kicked you - you think.

The butt of the gun knocked you out cold, but you had moments of clarity; throwing your body around in desperation. You hoped you at least got a few good hits in - they certainly did.

You could feel the dried blood across your brow, and your ribs had to at least be seriously bruised. Your knuckles were sore, and the ropes around your wrists were burning against your skin. You sucked in another breath, spluttering against the pain as you let it out, trying to collect yourself.

You were tied to some kind of metal ring on a concrete wall. The entire room was a dark grey, and there was a toilet in the corner that looked like it hadn’t been touched in this lifetime. Apart from the gated door, small slates only just allowing light into the room from the hallway, the room was bare.

Bare.

The kid - Fuck!

You suddenly remembered where you were - what was happening. Instantly you were thrashing against the rope - desperation fuelling your movements. How long had you been out? Maker - if they had the kid -

You knew what they did to Jedi.

Oh god - you were going to be sick. Maybe if you could just focus. Calm your mind.

You can find him.

You were still pulling at the ropes, but you let your eyes close, squeezing them tightly together to block out the room. You tried to channel that energy that led you to the hatch in the desert.

Grogu - you called in your mind. You had no idea if this would work. You didn’t have any hope of reaching someone without the Force, but Grogu was strong. Maybe if you stuck your hand out he could do the rest. Hell, you trained him. You knew he could.

Grogu - you could hear footsteps approaching from the hallway. Boots on pavement. You knew the sound. They were - troopers? It sounded like heavy armour, similar to beskar but not quite. These guys weren’t empire though, where they?

Grogu! Your mind flashes white, and you pull against the rope in surprise when you here him. A squeak followed by him saying your name. He was safe. You don’t know how you knew it because he didn’t say anything except your name, but you knew he was safe. He was calm - hidden somewhere. Thank the Maker he got away. Was he down here somewhere? Had he found Din? There has to be a way to get out of these stupid ropes.

You tug against them again and hiss in pain as you feel the rope rip your skin, blood seeping down your wrist.

The door swings open, bright lights flashing over your eyes.

It takes you a second to see the figures clearly. But when your eyes adjust, you would know them anywhere.

Stormtroopers.

Stark white armour, the two troopers already have guns drawn. One steps forward and presses the hilt into your stomach and you wince, face screwing up. You swear the second trooper flinches as he turns to shut the door, locking you in with the both of them.

“No tricks, Jedi. Your surrounded.” The troopers low drawl makes your eyes open again. Your hand slips a little in the rope, and you think now it’s cut into your skin the blood around your wrist has made it easier to slip out. You need to be subtle. The second trooper stays back a little - lurking in the darker corner like he’s waiting for something, and you think you would rather he just punch you in the face. It would be less intimidating.

You need to buy yourself some time.

“Surrounded? What, by you two?” You scoff and twitch your body, trying to move the gun off the bruised side of your ribs. With the movement your hand slips a little further out.

“There’s more where we come from, kid. If I don’t bring you up, someone else will. Or they will just shoot you where you stand. Maybe I will.” He presses harder. Why hasn’t he made a move to untie you?

“You couldn’t make the shot with your gun taped to my head.” You hear the second trooper cough a little, and the one in front of you punches you square in the face. Your eyebrow begins to bleed again and everything goes a little fuzzy.

“I’ll teach you to disrespect the em-“ The trooper is cut off by a single shot.

To his head.

The blaster from the second trooper is still aimed and smoking, and your vision focuses enough to watch him place another perfect shot in the exact same place through his skull after he fell to the floor, confirming his kill.

Your hands slip from the rope and you move.

You catch him off guard, slamming your shoulder into his stomach. The air is sucked out of him as he crumpled to the ground, and you drop on top of him in the same second.

The blaster from the first trooper lays discarded on the ground, and you use your last remain strength to Force-pull it into your hand, aiming it right between the eyes in his helmet.

You can feel his deep breathing as you sit on his chest, his hands coming palm up beside his head in surrender as your knees keep his biceps pinned to the ground.

Two hands hold the gun to his head, and your half tempted to rip the helmet off him and press it into his skull - just to make sure. Your hands shake slightly but you have enough strength to hold him down. He doesn’t say anything, though. Just sits there with his hands up - staring silently as you both catch your breath.

“The door. You’re gonna open it.” Your head tilts towards the locked exit, and the light streams perfectly over his helmet so you can see him tilt his head to the side - almost like he’s confused.

“The door.”

He lets out a strong breath and you rise up a little higher.

Was he-

laughing at you?

No. He only did it the once. Maybe he’s winded - you did hit him with everything you had.

You click the blaster into place. His head straightens. You don’t know what this guys deal is. He just killed his partner and now he’s sitting underneath you - saying nothing to justify his actions nor save himself. It’s almost as if -

“So demanding, cyar’ika.“

You nearly melt into the floor when you hear his voice. All the air leaves you and you can’t say anything. Dumbfounded. Confused. Was he-

“I told you I would find you.”

“Holy f-fuck. Din.” You flop onto him, discarding the blaster next to your bodies as he sits up and curls your body against him. Relief is the only thing you can feel as he holds you tight - so tight your ribs ache but you don’t fucking care because he was right here. You found him - he found you. It doesn’t matter because he’s here and you almost shot him for a third time - “You fucking asshole.”

It’s halfhearted at best, the insult coming out in a broken voice as he buries the stormtrooper helmet into your neck. The armour feels foreign against your skin but you grasp at any part of it to have him closer.

He was here.

You don’t know how long you sit there, your legs wrapped around his back pressing your entire front against him. His arms twist so far around you they almost meet twice, and he doesn’t move his face from your neck as you feel him breathing hard - harder than normal.

You pull back, staring into the white trooper mask and holding it with your hands.

“Are you hurt? Is everything - Grogu? We need to find him I-“

“He’s okay.” His voice cracks. The voice isn’t as modulated through the trooper mask - it sounds a little more mechanical, but you would know it anywhere. You just nod at him and press your forehead to the mask.

“Are you okay?” You whisper, not wanting to crack this moment.

“I am now.” You can’t help it - you grin at him and try to get him closer to you, pull the helmet closer. It doesn’t look like him but it’s him. There’s less protection around his neck so when your hands link behind him, you can feel every muscle relax under your touch.

“Din - I was so scared. I thought you - they came. To the house when you left. I had to run.” He nods and his own hands mimic yours, gloves cupping your cheeks and pulling your face impossibly closer. If he wasn’t wearing the helmet you would be kissing him.

“I know, baby. I - the guy who put us up. He sold you out. Apparently these guys have been paying some people in high volume places to keep an eye out for potential hits.” Fucking asshole. He swallows, and tries to continue. “I never should have left - this whole thing is my fault. I put you in danger, the kid as well I-“

“No. Din, please. This is not your fault. Let’s do this later. You’re here. I’m here. Kids here, somewhere. That’s all we need.” As much as you want to know what the hell is going on here - you need to go. The dead trooper wasn’t wrong when he said others were coming. You could hear another pair of footsteps descending stairs in the distance.

Din doesn’t let go of your face for a second.

“I will never put you in danger again. I - the - I love you. You are too - I’m sorry.”

“I love you. Do this later.” You mumble into his helmet and he scoops you up, legs finally unfolding to stand on your own.

“Your arms.” You are still so close that he doesn’t have to reach out to examine the damage. Your wrists were raw and there were some tracks of blood running down. They hurt, for sure, but nothing serious. It wasn’t until you took a step that you realised how bad your ribs were hurting. “Don’t move.”

His hands - so gentle in comparison to what they just did, lift up your shirt. You look down and see the dark purple bruise coming up most of your side. Both of you wince at the sight in unison, and you are the one that has to push your shirt down, because Din hasnt taken his eyes of the evidence, only moving when your hands link with his.

A feather light touch on your forehead causes you to flinch on instinct, but only for a second before you lean into Dins hand, not caring if it hurts. You want to feel him - to know he’s still there. It doesn’t feel real, for him to just be here.

But he always said he would find you.

“I have an idea, cyar’ika. You just have to stay very still.” He whispers into your ear, and it sends a shiver down your spine. Even here, he overtakes every rational thought. You just nod, exhaustion overwhelming you as he scoops you into his arms. “This doesn’t hurt?”

Shaking your head, you can feel the vibration of his words through his chest, the trooper armour significantly thinner as he lifts you into his arms, legs dangling in the air. It feels so good to be off your feet - finally - the aches in your legs almost disappear for a second. The door unlocks and you feel yourself change directions, and suddenly it gets light behind your closed eyes. Only one of Dins arms supports your weight under your upper thighs, the other free to execute his plan, whatever that is.

You hear the footsteps coming closer and your instinct tells you to run - or fight, but you just stay very still, trusting Din to lead the way. Your head rested against his chest and you could hear his heart beat. Proof he was alive and there.

“You should of seen him. Bane went ballistic when they said he couldn’t have it. Shot up the whole cantina.” A trooper speaks from the end of the corridor, and you feel Din turn to the left. “Hey! What are you doing?”

He freezes for a second, and then turns.

“Captains orders. She’s to be brought to the front.” Din repeats, his voice perfectly calm and monotone - just like a stormtrooper. It made you shiver a little.

“This is her?” You feel the figure step closer to you and you resist the urge to hold your breath. You were faking being passed out, not dead. Din must nod his head, because the trooper just scoffs. “Put up more of a fight on the way in. Doesn’t look like much now.”

Don’t react. Don’t react. You feel the energy radiating around you, and the light above you goes out.

“Uh - we have to - keep moving, trooper.”

“Yep. Move along.” Both troopers begin to rush past you, chasing the lights that haven’t gone out above them. Lucky that your head is buried into Dins neck or they would probably see your smile. You know Din can tell it was you.

“Nice touch.” You exhale once, but even the small movement and expel of your energy has your heart rate slowing. “Rest, cyar’ika. I’ll get you out of here.”

You do. You close your eyes and forget everything except Dins arm wrapped around you. How he’s holding you so tightly - like he’s forgotten how to do it and he needs to learn the shape of you by moulding it to him. You take every second of it, and pretty soon you think you fall asleep.

That is, until, you start to move. Fast. Wind starts to whip past your ear and everything around you is blurry when your eyes tear open.

“D-“ You go to say his name, but you see troopers. 

Lots of them. 

“What’s happening?”

“Kids through here. I need you to grab him and move. There will be a door on the left, go through it. I’ll- i’ll come to you.” He puts you down in a small corridor, and suddenly there’s a small door in front of you. He takes a step back and you grab his arm.

“No. We stay together.” Boots come up the stairs. You don’t know what happened but there’s red flashes lighting up your current hiding place. Alarms blaring. That must be what woke you.

“We - No, you have to go.”

“I’m not leaving you alone. There’s too many of them.” There must be dozens of them. They are getting closer, monotone shouts of orders echo at the end of the hallway.

“You have to go.” You just shake your head.

You just got him back. There wasn’t a chance in hell you were leaving him here. He takes a step back and you match it forward.

“I’m not leaving.”

“You are hurt. The kid needs you. I - I need you to be safe. I’ve done enough.” His voice cracks again. Sure, you get the need to protect you, he’s been doing that ever since you met him, but he’s going to get himself killed.

“You aren’t alone. We can do this together, okay?” He doesn’t say anything. Instead, you see the helmet look up a little to the door behind you. “Let us help you. Don’t leave - don’t leave me again.”

Maybe that was harsh - when you got a chance you know he would explain all this. Whatever it was, but it still did the trick. He looks back down at you, and even though he’s a little harder to read in this new helmet, you know he’s listening.

“Where’s your armour?” His head flicks towards the door and you pull him inside, shutting it behind you. You hear the troopers turn towards the sound. It won’t hold them long. “Where’s the kid?”

Instantly a little squeak comes from the corner, and Grogu waddles out, dragging something behind him. Your bag.

“You little genius.” You kneel down and you know you don’t have time but god - you were more worried that you realised. Here he was, both of them. 

Safe.

The door bangs with the force of troopers slamming into it. You unzip your bag. The blaster you had in your hip is gone, and they’ve taken your other weapon. Din had half his armour on in seconds, and when he turned to face you, beskar helmet back on his head. You look down at your empty hands - you have nothing to fight with except you. Grogu quickly waddles over to Din and squeals in excitement. You would have to be enough. 

This whole time it felt like he was protecting you - from what, you weren’t sure. Maybe that’s why he left you in that house, he thought he was protecting you from all this. But the truth is that you’ve been in danger the minute you chose to run all those years ago, leave you life behind, and it was only a matter of time before it caught up with you.

Whether Din was chasing this bounty for you or not, you were on this planet and they would never stop coming - you would never stop endangering the only two people you loved if you didn’t end this here. It couldn’t follow you any longer. Grogu’s little hand grabs onto your ankle, and he looks up at you. He would never be safe with you.

Not unless you did this. Now.

You were tired. Your rib cage was bruised to hell and your entire body was sore, but you felt it all around you. The energy - a life force in every part of this place. You recognised it - welcomed it as a friend instead of using it as a weapon, moulding it into something it was meant for, and it felt familiar. Safe. Warm. It was meant to protect and defend. To balance. You looked at Din, and he replaced his gloves and started attaching the copious amounts of weapons to his armour. 

He had enough enemies, you wouldn’t drag your own onto his door step.

You were tired - but right now you never felt more alive. 

Powerful.

The door flung open, and three stormtroopers burst into the room at the same time. Weapons drawn, they were firing the moment they stepped through the archway.

You braced for impact, Din’s weapons drawn faster than you could comprehend.

Except nothing came.

You didn’t realised you had your eyes closed. The click of blasters filled the room, but no shots were fired. Your eyes opened.

Red blaster shots. They were there, of course they were. Troopers were trained to kill on sight. Surely there shots were not this off target - you had heard stories…

No, the shots were on target. You knew because there was a small, red flame hanging just above your eye level. A shot that would have been a direct hit on Dins armour had you not stopped it.

You..

Stopped it.

In mid air.

All of them, actually. Every single shot fired was floating in the air, even Din’s. You could feel them. Count them in the order they were let off. Grogu was still wrapped around your ankle, you could feel his Force low and strong on the floor under you. Waiting. It wasn’t him, this was all you.

Your father would be proud.

Din says your name, and you don’t turn, afraid you’ll drop your focus. Somehow though, knowing how close he is to you, that he’s right there with you makes you feel sure that you won’t drop. Won’t lose focus. It’s almost… easy.

You turn the shots and send them in reverse, dropping the three storm troopers before you can blink.

You don’t know what to say. Clearly Din doesn’t either, because he just moves in front of you and stares. 

“You aren’t leaving me again.”

“I’m not leaving you.” Din says lowly, and swallows before he nods and leans out the doorway. “Seventeen of them. You think - think you can do it, that, again?”

You nod once; confident.

“If I could kiss you right now, I would.” You have to smile at that - the thought of him under that helmet. “Just so you know.”

You scoop up the kid in one hand, and it’s with that movement you realise it doesn’t hurt to move. Your ribs… they were fine. You felt fantastic - better than normal, actually. Grogu clung to your side, head dropping like he did when he was about to fall asleep. Though he only looked this tired after a training session. Had he…

“He healed me.” Din moves closer and lifts up your shirt, though he could have just looked at your now healed wrists. It sent goosebumps up your skin when his gloved finger traced a line along the now healed area. Completely healed, no bruising, nothing. No wonder you felt incredible. You brought him up to your face and hugged him closer. “You are so good. So good, little bug. I’m gonna get you all the lizards you can eat I swear.”

Grogu giggles in your arms and climbs over your shoulder into the pack you put on your back. Dins hand comes up to touch your face, drag a line across your cheek bone.

Just like the first time.

You both step out, seeing the troopers reinforcements, and this time you stand in front of him.

—————————

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[coastcrimson]

Communication pt.1

pt1 > pt2

Woody is a nomal teenage boy,except for one thing-he cant speak.But what happens when he starts crushing for the schools popular guy and they cant communicate well? human au

Word count: 728 I think

Authors Note: Ive never written actual fan fiction before please go easy on me *sobs * ,I didn't proof read this or anything and uhhhh ill finish it and make a part two soon I hope

Woody was like any other teenager,shy,quiet,smart,and fairly good looking,but there was one problem. He wasnt able to speak,the most he could manage was a barely audible "weh". This had put him at a fair disadvantage as a child. But this year was going to be diffrent,he was going to try and get over his all his irraional fears and make a new friend or two! At least,thats what he thought,but as soon as he stepped foot into the YoyleHighSchool,his fears had come back to haunt him.

Woody sighed,it had been a couple weeks into the new school year,and he still hadn't been at all social. Any time he tried to reach out to anyone,there was a little voice in his head stopping him. "They're going to think you're weird" the voice said, "Nobody cares about you," "you cant speak,you don't belong here,weirdo". This time,these thoughts struck in the middle of the hallway. Lost in his own thoughts,he accidentally ran into a tall red head,also known as the most popular guy in school. Well,apart from loser and winner.

"Oh my gosh,I am so sorry..-im sorry,whats your name?" asked blocky. The brown haired boy just continued to walk to class. Running into the popular boy and getting the chance to talk to him was a dream come true for a lot of people. But woody wasn't one of the people,nope,he would rather avoid the embarrassment of not being able to respond to him and get to class. But even then,woody could help but remember how nice blocky was. Even somebody asking what his name was was rare,and the more he thought about it the more he wished he could speak.

Maybe if he could speak he would be popular. Maybe if he could speak he would have friends. Maybe he would even have a girlfriend,or boyfriend,or whatever really. Maybe if he wasn't such an out of place loser,he's have a place to stand out in.

Blocky,on the other hand,was pretty outgoing. He was pretty funny,and even hs his won section in the school newspaper and news show,which was dedicated to pranks and funny doings. He was well over average looking too,and there wasn't a girl who wouldn't love to be with him. But even then,he had never been in a relationship. It's not that he didn't want to,don't get me wrong. Its just,girls weren't really "his type".

So then what was his type? Men,shy,cute,smart and nice men. Thats right,one of the most popular people of YoyleHighSchool was gay. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that,its just that he wasn't at all ready to come out yet,due to the group of homophobes around the school,all lead by the extremely strong and mean snowball. In a setting like that,it was best to lie low and not catch feelings for a guy. And it had been going pretty well. Well,until woody was brought into blockys eyes.

"Gosh why is he so damned prettyyy" complained blocky to his pals,eraser and pen. "Damn who is this guy and why is he the one you end up falling hard for?" asked eraser. "Thats the problem,I dont know," groaned the redhead,"one second I'm bumping into this guy and asking his name and the next he just ignores me and continues walking to class!" blocky was so frustrated,ow could he manage to make any girl fall in love with him but the one guy that catches his attention is impossible to talk to? It didn't matter. With those good of looks,he was bound to be taken. "Anyways,blocky did you see woody today?He was so much more distracted and quiet than usual!" said pen. "Whos woody again?" "You know,the guy that cant speak? Wears cardigans and knitted sweaters that he bought from flower?" and then it clicked. The guy he saw was woody,they were describing him! He was wearing one of flowers itchy sweaters,he cant talk either.it all made perfect sense! But now the hard part was finding him again,and even more,talking to him and getting him to talk back.

[six40seven]

September 16-18th

I didnt go to school. I told Niki i was feeling too sick to and she just nodded and said it was fine. Just by her body language i could tell she was distracted by something else and i didnt want to bother her more then necessary. I wanted to say thanks to all the people on here sending kind messages and concerned asks. I am okay. I was just a little rattled these last few days and well, of course today. I havent slept in almost 32 hours. There is no way in hell im closing my eyes and waking up somewhere strange again with no recollection of how i got there.

This doesnt make sense, and i can tell youre telling me in your head “Ran you need to sleep.” And i know you’re right but it was just horrifying. I have a hard enough time remembering what i do when im awake. Why would this suddenly start happening to me. Its unfair. I was doing fine. Now im not, and i dread falling asleep again. Im too afriad to ask Niki to instal a lock of sorts so last night and the night before and really any time I’ve been feeling the urge to sleep.. well I’ve began to tie my foot to my post. ITS NOT TIGHT. I just dont want to wander off again.

Fall break is soon. I mean sorta. I attempted to attend school online the second day home after the ordeal but my connection was too shit. I guess its the trees blocking the signal. Or maybe the mountains. Speaking of trees, i havent left my house since that day. I dont want to risk whatever happened happening again, worse while im awak. Not that i think it will but the way the trees just… tempt me sometimes. I cant risk walking to the bus or walking even out of my house. WHEERE i use to consider it a blessing to not live in the town houses, i now regret never moving closer. Fuck. Its been so long since I’ve been outside im worried my skin will fall off my body and ill die if i spend one more day barred in my room.

Its okay, for the most part. besides the natural (?) urge i have to be outside all the time. Ive sort of forgotten to document much these o past few days. But i dont think anything else significant happened. As far as related to me. Niki didnt come back the first night and i spent all that time in ym room with the blind drawn and the lights on. I was afriad if i turned the lights off i would nod off. I ended up watching YouTube and Netflix on my laptop as well as cleaning my entire room.

Usually my room is a trash heap, i like it that way, its like having my own nest. But that first night. I couldn’t stand all the things and i pretty much Ed cleaned everything top to bottom in less then 3 hours. I found a few interested things while i was doing that, including but not limited to: a box full of my old Polaroids and camera, a stuffed animal i thought i had lost which went back onto my bed, and a total of 20 spare dollars made mostly out of 1 Dollar bills and quarters.

The only thing of real interest was the Polaroid camera. I thought i lost that thing years and years ago. I only know i had one at all because i have some older pictures pinned places and tucked into my phone case. Theyre all of people i dont really know but i like to think i do so i can carry some part of them with me. They must have been important to me at some point yk. So i decided to look through and sort out any of the Polaroids i remeber or anything like that. These are my findings. I’ll explain them after i show them to you.

starting at the left top and going left to right. It reads Nov 1st 20##. all of these are from when i was a kid. maybe when i was in 4th or 5th grade? Im not entirely sure the exact age i was. The photo shown is a picture i must have taken of some sort of important journal entry, i cant really read it but at least if i ever needed to remeber taking a picture.. I remember, thanks past me.

The next one, in order, is a picture of two shadows. Maybe three. Probably me. Maybe Niki… or Eryn. we were close when we were kids and hes in two of these already. So ill just mention him. idk if he will be okay with me talking about him on here. I dont think he knows i have this account. hopefully he doesnt find it. Not that i would care very much. He just doesnt like me. The caption is just a date. oct 3rd. no year. I wonder when it happened? sometime in my childhood probably. I havent used this camera in years and years. I lost it so long ago.

The third is a weirdly saturated picture of a park in my town. The bigger town. Its just weird. And the caption says… evacuating or something. Its sorta weird. also Niki might have taken this picture because her name is on it too. Seems like her type of thing. from what i remeber as a kid, when we still lived in the big town, she was into weird saturated pictures. Something about scene. I dont know really.

The fourth is on the second line of pictures i found in the Box. On the bottom left. It says July 20## again sometime in my childhood. It shows aforementioned Eryn crouching ont he ground showing something to everyone. Or the viewer. I can see myself, or younger me. Younger me off to the side. Someone else took this picture. I dont remeber this happening. But it was important enough to keep so there it is. Thats pretty much it.

The fifth, wow thats a lot of numbers. Its got a smiley face :) on it. and its a picture of the lake. Yk the one bordering the left side of the bigger town. Its one of the smaller more muddy parts so its all gross. Probably from a hike that i wanted to remeber with Niki or something. I loved the lake when i was a kid. It was fun to swim in but after… after awhile i stopped going and then it closed because of something weird and now you can only go hiking near and around it.

The sixth. A picture of me and ****** hugging. Eryn in the background. It reads Eryn & ##### July. Its a cute picture. I dont know… who ****** is? Yeah i dont know. but i must have known them at one point because thats them. Yeah. They look familiar in the worse way and i pretty much threw that one back in the box as soon as I could. I dont like lookign at it. My stomach hurts when i do.

The seventh. And last a picture of a cat. Even when i was a kid i also apparently liked cats. It reads Spring 20##.

So yeah. I just wanted to say im glad i was able to find them and document them somewhere. I also thought while im explaing photos and stuff ill go into a little detail about what i discovered from that night. Posted on here.

The first piece is clearly a path somewhere in the forest. If i were to say, somewhere further in the mountains, near where the older remains of mines are. The only thing wrong about this piece is that…. When i posted it, theres no wya for there to have been snow. So either the photo is altered in some way, which is unlikely, because from what i can tell it was posted in the middle of the night. Or it was actually snowing wherever i was. even though all the previous days it had been raining.

The next picture looks like some sort of underground tunnel, lined with bricks and ending in step leading up to a barred and maybe locked? I dont know, barred iron gate. I have never seen that place before. Ive been in a lot of abandoned buildings that I’ve found near here but I’ve never seen something like this. The only explaination i can give for the location is possibly a sewer enterance somewhere in the basement of one of the older buildings, not from the big town but rather from the smaller town nearer to my house. Again, it looks like its snowing. Which makes no sense in any context, since it was snowing when i woke up (even though i said i thought it was) and because if this was underground where would snow be coming from? The title says… I heard you. Im here. I dont remeber this. Obviously. and i dont know who i would have.. heard? It doesnt make any sense.

The third picture… i dont have much to say. It looks dark. Maybe its related to the second picture, maybe its on the otherside of the gate. But I’ve never seen a place that dark before. Especially if it has walls. which I think it does. so it must be in a building somewhere out in the forest. Sorta supports my abandoned building theory. Or abandoned mine shaft? I have no idea. But the capture is clearly a long hallway. the caption says something is wrong. No duh. I am clearly self aware even if i dont remeber. I wonder if i act different..

Anyway, thats all for the last few days. I probably will end up attending school tomorrow. Niki isnt home yet, its near the end of the day so if she isnt home by now im assuming shes staying overnight at the office. wouldn’t be the first, wont be the last. I might get a snack before trying not to fall asleep a third night in a row. If anyone wants to chat with me, ill be open to the distractions.

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from the Lost Tomb, part 5.4

I swear folks once I get this and the last part up I’m gonna condense it all

But yeah couldn’t resist some <3

Zhang and Wu Chat

Wu Xie: Um. I’m all done with the shower if you want a turn.

Zhang Qiling: I’m alright without one.

Wu Xie: sooo are you pissed at me still?

Zhang Qiling: ? I have not been angry with you since the ladder incident.

Wu Xie: you’ve barely said anything since the necklace thingy

Zhang Qiling: I believe it is a long-running joke amongst my friend group that I do not, in fact, say much.

Wu Xie: okay but there are multiple gouges in the tea house walls that would suggest you had somewhat strong feelings today

and I kinda caused the events that sparked said feelings

so just checking in you know

Zhang Qiling: I was not angry so much as I was afraid. More afraid than I’ve been in a long time.

Wu Xie: ??? But it has worked out fine??? Everyone made it out alive and Uncle Erbai gets to feel morally superior to the Zhang family for a while so today was a win overall

Zhang Qiling: I heard you scream. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t get to you right away. Therefore, I was afraid.

Wu Xie: ohhhhh. oh, Xiao Ge. It’s alright now—hey the necklace was actually helping u look out for me:) It’s not like those ppl were actually trying to hurt me, really. Your family isn’t so bad, at least you don’t have any uncles you know of

today was just some big misunderstandings wrapped in some poor life choices. Tbh my memoir title

I feel kind of stupid for screaming but when a glowing necklace wraps itself around your neck it’s a little uhoh moment lol

I did like the design tho def my aesthetic.

Zhang Qiling: I am pleased that it was able to protect you when I was not.

Wu Xie: Uh no you are not allowed to get all emo abt this it’s only like 3pm

damn time flies when it’s flashing before your eyes lol

Are you on the roof? You’re def on the roof. I thought I heard the tiles moving over my head. Come down or I’m coming up.

Zhang Qiling: I will be down in a moment. Do not come outside, it’s cold and raining.

Wu Xie: you know, Zhang Rishan said he thinks the necklace might be linked to you, somehow

something from long ago, even though you wouldn’t remember it.

It’s lucky that it liked me, huh:)

Zhang Qiling: Yes. Quite lucky.

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: AWW LOOK AT HIM NAPPING ON YOUR SHOULDER SO CUTE. BEBES HAD A BIG DAY. YOU TWO ARE PRECIOUS. BE GOOD AND POSE FOR THE PICTURE NOW.

Zhang Qiling: No. Also, I am considering what steps I should take with Zhang Rishan. Regardless of his concern for the Zhang family line, his actions were unacceptable.

Wang Pangzi: HES DROOLING A LITTLE ON YOU WHICH IS LESS CUTE BUT I CAN CROP THAT PART

LOOK I KNOW YOURE STILL PISSED. IM NOT EXACTLY CALM MYSELF, I JUST HAVE WAYS TO SKIRT AROUND TIANZHENS BULLSHIT FILTER THAT YOU LACK

GET ON MY LEVEL

WU ERBAI WILL HANDLE IT, THINGS HAVE SETTLED I THINK

BUT ABOUT THAT NECKLACE

SO INTERESTING HMMM

Zhang Qiling: I am the patriarch of my family. The necklace behaved as I would, apparently, to protect a vulnerable family member. Wu Xie’s bad cold last week activated it, and it responded to a perceived danger to him today. Simple enough.

Wang Pangzi: UH HUH

A FAMILY MEMBER

THE NECKLACE REALLY SAID LOVE WINS

TOLKIEN COULD NEVER

Zhang Qiling: It protected him on a technicality. But I will not allow him to bear the burdens of my family ever again. It has taken so much from him already.

Wang Pangzi: YEAH SURE BLAH BLAH DESTINY BLAH BLAH ANGST

“A TECHNICALITY” WOW WHO SAID ROMANCE WAS DEAD

ANYHOO IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR UR WEDDING RECEPTION SLIDESHOW

YA KNOW DURING MY SPEECH

Friends of Wu Xie Support Group Chat

Hei Yangjing: you’re welcome for everything today<3 I accept PayPal, although of course it is always my honor to assist my friends:)

Wang Pangzi: WE ARENT PAYING YOU SHIT

Zhang Qiling: You did absolutely nothing.

Hei Yangjing: whoa whoa maybe I wasn’t threatening family members or busting up load-bearing walls like some undying divas I could name but I totes helped

or at least I was there for moral support maybe?

Zhang Qiling: The only reason I knew you were there at all was that as I lowered my blade from Zhang Rishan’s neck, I heard the camera click and saw you were taking a selfie making a peace sign, angled to have the two of us in the background.

Xie Yuchen: I saw it on social media just now. The caption is “#greatdaycatchingupwiththelads #blessed”

Wang Pangzi: TBH KIND OF JEALOUS I DIDNT THINK TO DO THAT

Hei Hangjing: okay yeah you see Xiao Ge that is a modern kind of help I should’ve known you wouldn’t be aware

It’s called performance, you wouldn’t understand

it’s a ‘Gram thing

Also it means I’m a great person

Bc letting you handle the situation was my gift to you

Zhang Qiling: Wu Xie mentioned there is something called “blocking ppl” that gets them out of my phone.

Hei Yangjing: nah

Can’t trust that Wu Xie, bae can’t tell a coffin from an urn amirite

it’s not a thing, blocking

Xie Yuchen: It is a thing. I’ll show you later, Zhang Qiling.

Wang Pangzi: YOU BOYS GO GET CLEANED UP AND COME BY AROUND 9 I SNAGGED SOME OF ZHANG RISHANS BOOZE ON THE WAY OUT

Bonnie and Clyde Chat

Hei Yangjing: you looked pretty comfortable in those handcuffs earlier ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Go to sleep, idiot.

Hei Yangjing: You’d have to do something to tire me out ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Are you like this around Wu Xie? Not that I care, I’m just asking.

Hei Yangjing: uh that’s a big nope

First off all Idk when I’ll die but Id prefer it to be on my terms and not at the hands of those other two

Secondly there is a part of me that remembers how adorable he was when he was younger and that makes it weird

(No offense but u were not adorable. He was bebe luke skywalker, you were bebe princess leia I am obvs Han Solo 4lyfe)

Also I’m a little scared that if i flirted with him and he flirted back he’d be better at it.

Xie Yuchen: All valid concerns.

Hei Yangjing: as cute as he is I don’t really wanna tap that.

Xie Yuchen: I see.

Hei Yangjing: do you tho

Main Chat

Wu Xie: okay folks who wants cocoa to top the evening off? I picked some up today:D

Wang Pangzi: UH YOU SPENT YOUR DAY BEING KIDNAPPED AND PLACATING A SENTIENT NECKLACE WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO GET GROCERIES

FRANKLY THATS INTIMIDATING

Wu Xie: the tea house gift shop:)

Wang Pangzi: …YOU BOUGHT COCOA FROM YOUR KIDNAPPERS. FROM THEIR GIFT SHOP. DURING YOUR KIDNAPPING.

WU XIE

WU XIE WHY

Wu Xie: I mean we were there the whole day, it felt impolite not to buy anything.

Wang Pangzi: OH RIGHT GREAT POINT ID HATE TO BE RUDE TO THEM AFTER THEY WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF ABDUCTING US

LISTEN WHEN PPL STEAL YOU IT BECOMES FREE REIGN ON THEIR SHIT

UGH YOU PROBABLY GOT A RECEIPT AND EVERYTHING

WAS UR LITTLE SHOPPING TRIP BEFORE OR AFTER THEY STUCK U IN A DUNGEON TO EXPERIMENT ON YOU

WAIT NVM I DONT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT

Wu Xie: look, let’s focus on the positives/ we are all okay, and we learned something new, that necklace is still active! It’s really quite nice-looking when it isn’t moving of its own volition.

Wang Pangzi: YOU AND YOUR RELENTLESS DUCKING OPTIMISM

ZHANG QILING ARE YOU SEEING THIS

Zhang Qiling: I would love some cocoa. I’ll come to the kitchen.

Wu Xie: I have special marshmallows for you!!

Wang Pangzi: I SEE

WE ARE SUBSCRIBING TO THE PRESTIGIOUS “FUCK IT WHY NOT” SCHOOL OF THOT TONIGHT

LOL SURE LETS GO COCOA IT UP

IVE GOT SOMETHING STRONG TO POP IN IT

Wu Xie: Still thinking about that design… I’d love another chance to examine that necklace under less Zhangy circumstances.

Kinda sad we couldn’t borrow it to use for illnesses and dangerous missions :/

ah well it’s for the best, a family heirloom should be treasured, preserved and protected<3

Zhang Qiling: I put it on your dresser.

Wu Xie: ???????

Wang Pangzi: AND THATS WHY YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS, XIAOGE <3

Wu Xie: I—

Zhang Qiling: Are those bunny-shaped marshmallows for me?

[first-only]

You know, knowing that the majority of the world does not/ has not read fanfiction is such a weird thing to me. And I don't mean that in a 'why aren't people more like me?' or a 'those people are weird' kinda way

I guess it's just cause fanfic is something that is very important to me, and is something that has made me happy, it's one of my core interest. This isn't just related to fic, all of my interests are like that. Whenever I see someone who has no interest in art, or writing, or thinking up stories, it kinda of boggles my mind a bit. And I think it's because I, myself, could not imagine being happy without those doing those hobbies and interests. But other people aren't me, and that is fine! People have a wide range of interests, and what makes someone happy won't be the same as some other people. People are different, and that is a good thing

It is still something that's a bit hard to wrap my head around (which is fine, as long as I don't act like an ass to people who have different interests) but I'm trying my best

right on, anon! brains work weird sometimes but we do reign them in lol

this is actually a very interesting view to me (but valid! very valid!), because when i was like getting into fanfiction and fandom in general it really wasnt that popularized ya know? like very few people knew this niche interest and social group existed, and there was this intra-culture view that all this is sort of a secret, that this is 'our space', its 'just for us'. (taken as a mantra from rpf ofc which is a good practice). so i never expected anyone i didnt meet in such spaces specifically to even /know/ they exist, let alone enjoy them. ive had this situation with a friend with whom we'd been friends for like over 2 years when i casually (accidentally maybe i dont remember anymore) mentioned fic and they literally jumped out of their chair like YOU KNOW WHAT FANFICTION IS?!?! it's still hilarious, we were actual friends for /two years/ and we never revealed our Secret Society cards to each other lol. but yes as it /is/ getting more popular now its more understandable to assume people would've at least heard about it, but still many people and places where its not that much of a thing! that and a lot of people dismiss it as 'cringy' and worthless and obsessed fangirl work which. wig ig lol. and even in more fandom-adjacent circles you'd see people /surprised/ when a fic is actually good bc they never gave fandom a chance, and just dismissed it as a cringy hobby (which is also fine but no need to be patronizing ya know). Personal experiences will shape the way you think of things

as for weird brain refusing to understand rational concepts - i had this meet up with reality when i studied coding. i was in a novice class with a lot of other people and some of them just... didnt get it. not necessarily the problems themselves, but like.. the essential idea of /how code works/. it was very weird to me. they insisted i must have previous experience to catch on that quickly, and well i did, but they were stumbling at the first steps, something that never gave me pause. i was really really shocked then, i just couldnt believe people couldnt grasp a basic function, and i realized i was coming off as a bit patronizing myself. it got to me that i was expecting more of people that just didnt have the perspective that i did. that prompted a whole discussion on How People Think, because it was obvious that these people not getting code were definitely not stupid, this was just a way of thinking that didnt agree with the way their thought process worked as whole. so in this discussion a lot of friends shared a bit of the insides of their minds and it was fascinating - i tend to think with words and images, visuals appearing along with a strong internal monologue. but my friends shared about thinking in concepts, in feelings, with no imagery at all, by association and memory alone. when asked to describe how we think of a specific object we all described the thought process differently ("i think of where it is now" "i think of who it belongs to" "i think of what it would be like to touch it" "i think of what color and shape it is" "i think of what personality it would have" "i think of how i feel about it" etc etc). so what im saying is.. brains weird. brains different. dont punish yourself for your brain deciding that an experience has to be universal if its so helpful to it personally. as long as you realize that emotions and actions and needs and rational decisions are different, albeit connected, all's good. brains man.