#ive had this thiught for a while now i just wanted to get it out there

[mejomonster]

I hate panic attacks

[potatobugz]

i like the little.. nature vs. technology thing Huntsman & Syntax have going on. with Syntax being a scientist and Huntsman literally being a hunter of sorts. in tune with nature. there's something to be said about that! I like it!

[fatuismooches]

hai smooches.. i cant stop overbrainrotting over two dotty segments lately ..segment who feels the failure pf not being able to cure fragile! reader..and the stern and stoic segment, the one who u wrote as number 4 in ur fic i think?, i cant stop thinking about them 😞

i feel like the failure segment enjoys when u go to his office and sit on the table and he places his hands where ur trapped between them, and he just,, stares at reader.. i feel like a lot of segments do this especially the okder ones but i feel like they do it to fluster reader and flirt w them but not this segment..he just wants to look at u nd only u, then as he keeps lookingn at fragile!reader they place their hands on his cheeks and he flinches bc he was zoning out while admiring them but then his eyes just soften.. hes so precious..

im not sure how segment 4 would interact w fragile!reader but i know reader gets away w a lot of things others would NEVER humor the thiught of doing becayse he just loves u sm do u think hes also a sucker for their attention and affectionate touches?

i was NOT jesting when i said ive been overbraknrotting. my skulls empty by now trying to think of more thoughts abt them.. will u, O’ great ol smooches, spare more brainrots about them pretty pleasw 🤲

(x) AWW I LOVE THIS ANON... You're making me brainrot heavily about those segments as well! Ahh the segment of Dottore feeling an overwhelming sense of failure always makes me... sigh. (If i get more brainrots about this one, I'll probably give him a name haha.) And we can call 04 Delta! (Greek alphabet and all.) (This got WAY longer than I anticipated. Oopsies.)

The segment that feels like he failed you is obviously very attention-starved - at this stage of Dottore's life he neglected to care about anything besides you and his other Fatui duties. Constantly pushing himself inhumanely to obtain even the slightest bit of progress for you. But always ending up with nothing to show. So seeing you awake is very... mhm, I'm not sure the best word but, it's... a lot. As much as he desires your attention (just as every other segment does) he tends to keep his distance since he's not sure to act around you. Dottore himself represses the feeling that he's failing you so he's very much more outward about being all over you, but this segment is entirely open about it and he doesn't know how to act. He looks on from afar and bears witness to your happiness instead. His greatest goal at that stage in his life finally accomplished. (But of course you're not gonna leave this poor bb alone. He gets all the kisses.)

Pretty much no one visits this segment's office, except for the occasional segment and all. He works with no other Fatuis, no, purely by himself because of his very closed-off attitude. Which is why of course when you barge into his office he's naturally caught off guard. He's like... very quiet, uncharacteristically so because like, all the segments would love to talk your ear off but not this one. Either he's quiet or grouchy and snappy to others (not you.) He just watches you as you walk around his lab, responses to your questions rather shortly. It's not that he wants to ignore you this is just... very new for him, considering how long he had to deal with you being motionless.

Until you finally have enough and just plop yourself on his desk, preventing him from doing his work. AHHH the part where you're trapped and he stares at you.... giggles insanely he so does!. Also, you are so right. The other segments do that 100% to tease you, they wanna just kiss you all over and bite and lick while you squirm and blush under them! But this segment, he wants to take in every detail about you. He wants to see how lively you are now, examine every single thing that's different from when you were asleep for so painfully long. He wants to feel how warm you are, how you respond to his movements this time. He wants to hear you simply reassure him that he did everything he could and you're thankful.

Teehee Delta... honestly I wasn't even paying much mind when I dubbed him as the serious segment but!! We're rolling with it! He's one of the segments that literally never smiles. But unlike the others who don't smile either, he's just eternally serious... like at least the Akademiya segment is grumpy and all. You're honestly kind of scared at first because at least the smiles of the others make you feel better... but obviously he is a sucker for your attention hehe, no segment can ever deny this!

You LOVE cracking bad jokes with this segment to see his reaction 😭😭 (there is none besides him staring holes into you) As you said, you can do a lot of silly things and he would just scoff and gently reprimand you, you'll wrap your arms around his head and squish it while lathering him with kisses and he'll just sigh... (the blush is very very faint.) You know that pose where people put their hand against their forehead and lean back in distress? You love doing that with Delta. It's very funny, dramatically falling back into his chest only to be met with ���

Still, despite his stern and rough tendencies, like all the segments, he's cautious of your health, and will be blunter than others about you pushing yourself or trying to hide your pain. When it comes to your health he tolerates nothing, if it could potentially hurt you. While you're appreciative, you wish he could calm down about that a bit...

[my-castles-crumbling]

okay so hi..

um ive seen people do this so ig im going to as well.

basically i and my gf (she/her) have been in a relationship for nearly 6 months (6 in two weeks). we're both 19.

we met through my bsf and her bsf dating and now we are (i had the biggest crush on her but genuinely didnt think she'd give me a chance).

ive had pretty bad luck in relationships before and they never lasted more than 3 or 4 months mainly due to the fact that im asexual and btoh previous oartners just assumed they could change me (???) but she genuinely understood and went out of her way to make me comfortable and make it known that nothing will be demanded of me more than that which i can give.

from the beginning of the relationship, ive made some rules very clear which are like my no nonsense ones, like i wont tolerate them usually at all.

one of them being not making me purposefully uncomfortable and the main big one is not yelling/shouting, especially at me. (i have past trauma from my parents and it has in the oast made me shut down completely for days at a time, only getting up to feed my cat)

on one of our beginning dates i mentioned this really nice and sorta expensive restaurant that ive always wanted to try but reservations are really hard to get.

she joked saying that oh id love to go with hou ehicb i laughed at but was mildly excited about.

so i got the reservation for yesterday, i made the reservation for two.

last month i told my girlfriend that i have finally got the reservation and would like to go with her, told her the dates and time and everything and she seemed genuinely excited to go with me.

now last week i confirmed her availability again, and asked her what colored dress she was wearing so i could match it with my clothes and we decided on a color etc and also to get ready at my place because her bsf has their family over so shes will be staying with me for 2 weeks.

now, yesterday, after i was done with my work i went to the living room just to well see her and hug her cz i missed her a bit since i hadnt really seen her in about 5 hours (i was working). when i knocked at her door, she opened it and was ready with a dress (not the color we agreed on), her purse laying in the background as she greeted me with a big smile and kiss (on the cheek).

i asked her isnt she ready a bit early and she just looked at me confusedly and said no i hve to meet R (her friend) at 4:30 so im just on time.

i asked why and where she's going just to know if she'd be back and she said that theyre going to the mall and then to the movies because R is leaving in 3 days to go on vacation so they want to spend some time togetehr.

i smiled and wished her luck, i thiught that maybe i got the day wrong but i hadnt and i was actually really sad because all my life, everyone in my family would repeatedly just forget about my plans and my shit for others' and she knew abt that.

but anyways, so i decided to still go and i took this really lovely lady, who's homeless but i buy her a meal everyday and take her out to lunch once a week. (shes like in her 30s btw)

we had a lovely time and the food was divine, i even helped the lady get ready in a changing room.

but anyways on my way home i realised i had 3 missed calls from my girlfriend and a text that just said.

we need to talk as soon as you get home.

the moment j entered my apartment, she just started to yell at me about how much of a piece of shit i am, how people forget and its not a big deal, how im an arse, how not everything is supposed to be about me, and could i possibly imagine how she felt coming back to an empty apartment, she thought something had happened to me.

that is not the order she sais everything in but someway through my breathing started to get extraordinarily fast and i coukd feel my vision getting blurry.

i said sorry to her, or i think(?) i cant really remember stuff when i get panic attacks like this. i took my cat and went to my room.

it took quite a while for my cat to calm me down bur she was able to in the end.

this morning, i made breakfast for her and since i have today off from uni i decided to go to my job (i work part-time remote but can come and go to the iffice if i wish)

its my break rn and im thinking about it, maybe it wasnt a big deal? maybe i should have reminded her again but like idk it was a pretty big thing for me.

i feel bad, i feel like i made a mountain out if a molehill and shouldve just apologised properly and explained to her that its okay and that it wasnt that big of a deal.

i dont knwo?

i wanted some advice because i truly feel very strongly for her and shes the only relationship ive had in which i feel valued and had zero self doubt (up until yesterday)

im sorry it was so long, and thank you for your help.

Hi!!

Okay so...this is hard because, I don't know if either of you are to blame, here. Your girlfriend wasn't great for forgetting, but then I was wondering why you didn't say anything? But then she was shit for yelling later....

I'm wondering if this is the first time this has happened? It sounds like a lack of communication, you know? I think you guys really need to sit down and discuss how you were both feeling. But if this becomes a pattern, especially your girlfriend yelling, I would think more about the relationship.

Keep me updated! I'm naming you orange anon.

[kreuiza]

oh dude some guy got mad lowkey yesterday

i’m starting to be evil >:)

nah but tell me why this mf asked “what are we”

WE ARE GANG MF tf you mean wHaT aRe wE

we ain’t shit i’m not serious about you and you should know that because i told you straight up i am not serious about you

and he got jealous 😭

cuz i was texting my hb and he was like who are you texting and i told him why does it matter then his phone went off and i told him go text yo girl (it was a random notification he tried showing me and i didn’t even look)

either way

just bro we aren’t serious we don’t even do nun we friends 😭

i fw seeing you every now and again but what do you want me to say?

we are working on us and we are getting together rn 😍😍😍

bitch as if

AND WORSE OART HE ISNT EVEN SERIOUS ABOUT ME so why tf do you want me to be serious about you???

like mf we both go do our own shit literally all the time why tf do you care who i’m talking to and i told him it’s an guy and he’s like how come you don’t respond to my text? mf cause tf do we have to talk about????

i respond to one person like everyday

everyone else it’s random

idk why ppl think rn is the best time to try and get with me no offense and sorry but i told all yall im not ready for a relationship and honestly i don’t want to be in one im good im not broken or hurt i just want to give me some time ive never had time for myself and got to relax and not jump from relationship to relationship

and i don’t even take talking stages seriously mostly cause i don’t give a fuck about you to the extent that i will if we aren’t together

like i gotta be sure im not bout to look stupid giving my ALL to somebody that im not even fckn with

like tf do i look like?

either way i told him i wasn’t serious and we just talk like once or twice and don’t see each other for a while until we do again and he was jealous of the hb and asked me who it was and why i was texting him and i was being a bitch CAUSE I THIUGHT HE DIDNT CARE and said dw about it it’s the main person i wanna get with so if it isn’t him we can get together 😭

i might be a bitch but i thought that’s how we were playing it he was texting girls last time too so why tf would i care what im saying

def not ready for a relationship i might be bitter rn

then some other guy told me “imma think you just weren’t serious”

dude i am not i found out you’re a hoe and at first i took you fr and i was gonna lyk when i was ready for a date but i don’t want to date someone who’s gonna disregard me yk

and you’re cool and all and i did think about it at first but for the most part ehhh

just what did you think was gonna happen i just fall head over hella in the span of a day or two?

like yall aren’t that special and honestly speaking im difficult

i don’t do that easy shit either keep texting me while i don’t respond and eventually i will or stop and we won’t speak again which yeah shitty in my opinion i get that but it’s also a thing of why wouldn’t you be serious but it’s also a red flag if they do it

it depends like i appreciate the one or two text every now and again to know they haven’t forgotten about me and im still on their mind i had some guy do that a while back like id go ghost a lot and he sadly got the worse of it and he would come in and out and just send me random text asking if i was okay and if i needed anything he was right there and i loved it he was a sweet heart

i don’t expect every second text me “I LVOE TOU TEXT ME BLABLABKA” just a text that you think of me still yk?

either way i’m good rn it just feels like i gotta wait out everyone trynna “get” with me because it’s just cause it’s recent and the “easiest” time to get with someone

like logically speaking that’s what it is it has nothing to do with me it’s just “oh she just got out of a relationship and she got hurt so she’s gonna want some comfort” it isn’t anything genuine no one is genuine anymore

[softsergeantbarns]

Okay so the theme for this request is * Needle poisoning *

So Sam, Bucky and Y/N (Steve’s younger sister, also a super soldier from 1940s) are on a mission and things go bad when Y/N is injected in the back of her right shoulder. She doesn’t think much of it and they go home and it’s all good. When she goes to the bathroom to check on her shoulder, she sees her veins colour become noticeable on her skin but she doesn’t tell Bucky. When she’s sleeping, Bucky notices her veins have became visible on her skin. The next day he tries to talk to her abt it and she keeps brushing him off and they get into this big fight about it and she faints while he’s screaming cz of the poison. He rushes her to the hospital and Sam is there too and happy ending 😁😁

This one wasn’t as thiught out as the rest 😂 the way this was written in my notes was literally “needle poisoning” that’s it lol

I'm fine

pairing: Bucky x supersoldier!reader

summary: something goes wrong on a mission and you don't tell Bucky about it.

warnings: a bit of fighting. maybe a bit of angst? but also fluff.

wordcount: 2100+

I'm sorry it took me soooooo long to finally write this. I just had so many things to do and work and stuff. but now it's done and I hope you like it. thanks for the request. as always not proof read.

The moment Sam called Bucky you knew something was up. As always there was another bad guy Sam needed your help with. Sometimes you thought life would be easier if you guys weren’t super soldiers. No Avenger business, just you and Bucky living your best life. But no. Another mission so you all could put your life on the line.

Bucky sighed and looked at you. „Sam needs our help!“ He told you almost looking annoyed. You felt the same annoyance as him. You had planned a trip, just the two of you, to get away just for a few days. But here you where, another mission to save the world from some bad guy.

„I heard.“ You said trying to hide the annoyance in your voice. „Ive got super senses too, remember?“ You teased with a small grin to lighten up the mood.

Bucky chuckled and nodded. „Yes doll, I remember.“ He walked up to you and pulled you into a hug, holding you close to his board chest. „After this is over, we’ll go on our trip. Just you and me, promise!“

All ready and geared up you waited for Sam and all the details you needed to get this thing done. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to help Sam. Just sometimes you wished you could have some down time. But helping Sam would always be your und Bucky first priority. He was your brothers best friend after all. Bucky and Sam were the only people who made you feel like Steve was still there and hadn’t just left you like he did. You weren’t mad at him, you just wished sometimes that he was still here.

After what felt like hours Sam finally picked you and Bucky up. With an apologetic look on his face he looked at you sighed as the two of you got on the quinjet. „I’m really sorry to do this!“ He said. „I know you guys had plans!“

You smiled at him and shrugged. „Oh well, fuck our plans.“ You said and grinned at him to make him feel better. „The government needs us. So of course we’re here to help Captain America!“

Sam smiled at you before he started the quinjet. You sat down next to Bucky and put your head down on his shoulder.

„The senator got some informations about a group who’s producing some weird poison.“ He started to tell you about the mission. „We don’t really know what it does just that they threatened the government to let into the groundwater. I already figured out where their lab is. They want us to stop them. By any means necessary!“

„So what’s the plan?“ Bucky asked Sam with a weird feeling, that Sam didn’t has a plan, as always Bucky would say.

„Well, we go in there, destroy everything, take those people in custody and then we’re basically done.“ Sam grinned proudly at Bucky. „It’ll be easy, I promise!“

You couldn’t help but laugh at Sam and shook your head. „Easy? If it would be that easy, Captain America wouldn’t need us!“ You said and looked at him while you rose an eyebrow at him. „Cut the crap Captain Birdman and be real with us!“

Bucky looked at you impressed the way you stood up to Sam and nodded. „What she said, Captain Birdman!“

Sam sighed. „Fine, I know it won’t be that easy, okay?“ He said and pinched the bridge of his nose. „They’re highly dangerous because we don’t know anything about the substance they’re brewing over there. And so I thought I could use some help from my best friends. Tinman and little Rodgers!“

Bucky stared at him thinking about punching Sam in the face for a moment.

You just rolled your eyes at Sam and sighed. „I really hope that this goes fast. Because if not, Captain Birdman, I’m coming for you!“

The quinjet finally landed and you all got out. You looked around but you where in the middle of nowhere in a forest. Perfect, you thought. But in the end it didn’t take you guys long to find the lab. It also didn’t take you long to find a way in. Sam messed with their security system so you could get in there without being noticed.

Of course they had security guys you had to fight. While Sam and Bucky thought those guys you made your way through the white halls looking for the scientists that were responsible for the poison you guys knew nothing about.

Finally you found the main part of the lab, people with white coats everywhere. They were on high alert since they heard the fighting and the alarm. On the other hand, they were scientists. Fighting wasn’t their thing, right?

Oh boy, you were so wrong. As soon as they got out of their chairs the fight started. And they were good, almost too good. But you were better in hand to hand combat. It didn’t take you long to take them down. One after another came for you but you were stronger. At least you thought that this was the case. You didn’t see the one that came creeping up behind you.

Suddenly you felt a small pain at the back of your right shoulder. You turned your head around looking over your shoulder just to see a little syringe popping out of your shoulder. With a deep breath you pulled it out, knowing damn well what is was. But right now you didn’t had the time to think about it. The dude in the white coat was still standing behind you with an evil grin on his face. You whipped your leg around and kicked him hard into the stomach, wiping away that grin on his face. When he stood there, bending over and holding his stomach you rammed your knee into his face knocking him out immediately.

„I’m done here!“ You said over the com, looking around and feeling a bit proud of your solo work you did, totally forgetting, that you got injected with the poison.

Sam and Bucky came to help you take all of them into custody before you all got out of the lab. Just like you were supposed to do you destroyed the lab.

When you finally arrived to your flat both you and Bucky were exhausted. Neither one of you was in the mood to do anything at all. You hated the exhaustion after a mission. Sometimes it felt like wasted time.

After a quick shower to clean yourself, you changed into a tanktop and some shorts before you fell into you shared bad. It didn’t take Bucky long to follow you. Every muscle in your body was hurting and you closed your eyes for a moment, trying to relax.

Next to you Bucky sighed softly. „I’m too old for this shit.“ He said and looked over at you, softly pulling you closer to him.

You hummed in agreement and snuggled up to him, softly yawing. „The next two weeks we should turn off our phones and just leave!“ You mumbled almost half asleep already.

Bucky next to you chuckled and nodded. „Sounds like a perfect plan.“ He softly leaned in and kissed you on top of your head. „Sleep well, doll.“

Bucky woke up before, as always. He looked over at your sleeping frame and smiled to himself. You always looked so peaceful when you were sleeping. Like nothing was bothering you. His brows frowned lightly as he took a closer look at you. Even it was still somewhat dark in your bedroom he could clearly see the veins on your body. Black veins were running down you right arm and your back. Something wasn’t right. Something you didn’t tell him.

He softly shook you until you were awake. Well, barley awake. With half opened eyes you looked over at him, confused why he would wake you up. He never woke you up after a mission.

„What’s wrong?“ You asked, sleep still thick in your voice.

„What happened in that lab?“ He asked you and sat up, looking sternly at you.

Confused you looked up at him before slowly sitting up. Only then you noticed the visible veins on your skin. You rolled your eyes and got up. „Nothing to worry about!“ You told him and hoped he would drop it.

But Bucky wouldn’t be Bucky if he just dropped it. He was worried about you and hated it when you didn’t take things as serious as they should be taken. „Oh cut the crap!“ He said as he got up to get a closer look. „Just tell me!“

You crossed your arms over your chest and shook your head. „It’s nothing, Bucky, I promise.“ You told him again, not in the mood to argue. „It’ll be back to normal tonight probably. Nothing happened, alright?“

Annoyed Bucky sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. „Why can’t you just talk to me for once?“

„Talk to you for once?“ You asked him in disbelief. „I always talk to you, this isn’t just worth talking about so just drop it, alright?“

It went back in forth like this. Both of you being stubborn and getting angry at each other.

„Fine, if you stop pushing, I’ll tell you!“ You tried to sound as calm as possible. „I got injected, okay? But I’m fine. Like I said, nothing to worry!“

Bucky couldn’t believe what he just heard. Why wouldn’t you tell him something like that? „And you didn’t think for one minute to tell me this?“ He asked you disappointed as he sighed. „We don’t even know what this is and you didn’t tell me? Why?“

Again you rolled your eyes at him. „Because you always make such a deal out of it!“ You said and sighed as well, still feeling exhausted from the mission. At least that’s what you thought. „I’m fine, okay? So no big deal!“

„No big deal? Are you kidding me? Look at your veins, like thats normal!“ He said loudly and shook his head. „How could you be so stubborn and won’t tell me? That is a big deal. Probably a way bigger deal than you think it is.“ He wanted to say more but he didn’t had the time.

Suddenly everything went black and you fainted. Bucky caught you before you could hit the floor. He wanted to panic but he knew that there was no time to panic. He needed to get you to a hospital as soon as possible.

Your whole body hurt. Your limbs were heavy and you couldn’t really move. You heard muffled voices and beeping machines. Slowly you tried to open your eyes but as soon as the bright light hit your eyes you closed them again. You groaned as you tried to open your eyes again. When they were open you slowly looked around, trying to figure out where you were.

„Bucky?“ You asked with a hoarse voice, looking for your partner in crime and in love.

He smiled in relief when your eyes met his. „You scared me there for a minute, doll!“ He said softly as he looked at you.

„What happened?“

„Remember how you got injected with that poison you didn’t tell me about?“ Bucky asked you, slowly brushing some hair out of your face. „Turned out it poisoned your blood and was about to make it boil inside of your body, burning you from the inside. Thank god we got here in time!“

You groaned and closed your eyes again, trying to process everything he just told you. „Like I said, no big deal!“

„Yeah, no!“ He said and shook his head. „I swear to god, if you don’t tell me something like this again I’ll probably kill you!“

You laughed weakly which turned into a cough. „You won’t kill me, you love me too much!“

Bucky already wanted to answer when the door opened and Sam walked sheepishly in.

„You really told Captain Birdman about this?“ You groaned at Bucky and sighed. „No need to tell me how irresponsible this was. I know, okay?“

„Well, it was pretty irresponsible and if you pull shit like that again I won’t take you on any mission I got!“ Sam said and smiled at you. „I’m just glad you’re alright. Please, next time just say something. Can’t lose my best friend.“ Sam took your hand and squeezed it lightly.

„I promise, Captain Birdman, I’ll never do something like that again!“ You joked and grinned at his annoyed look. You loved how he already hated his new nickname.

Bucky kissed the top of your head and smiled softly at you. „I’m glad you’re fine now!“

[bun-ika]

Trauma rambling. Pretty severe abuse mentioned, suicide, self harm, sexual assult, domestic violence. Maybe just don't read it. I just wanted to get it out.

[[more]]

[

It's really funny how you just learn to live with things. I've had too much coffee today and I'm up and exhausted thinking. There is so much ive just... forgotten, lr shrugged away over the years. Buried under other things that have happened. I dont know how my mind just brushed away the rape(s) that happened and i was told not to talk about. The countless times my mom ran to my bedtoom as a little girl screamng to baracade the door from my dad, who would scream and puch and bang relentlessly. Or the day we woke up to my mom telling us to hurry and pack the most important things we can think of because we were running away that day while my dad was working. Or that i raised my little brother, only to have him go to my dad after being "old enough" to make the choice (and no one faught it even thiught it woukd have been considered kidnapping). The first time stepping foot in that house to see the holes in the walls, the slash marks on all moms paintings. In the walls.. The times my dad would drag me downstairs and show me the rafters in the workshop, telling me how he stood with a rope around his neck because of us. Because of my mom. Because of everthing. Or when i finally confronted my dad as an angry child (maybe 13?) About a letter promising to kill my mom and her family, only to have him put me in a headlock and try to choke me to death. I remember losing my breath and kicking, screaming, clawing, finally biting, and i ran faster than i ever have, i swear. Nothing happened. No one did a thing about the bruises around my throat. The nothing that happened when she walked in on me cutting myself and just closed the door. Let me keep doing it through the years. It never mattered, I was still doing my job for her. It took me a long time to realize that's really all that mattered. And I understand, I get it. After the mess of everything, we all need help and to be taken care of. I think it broke her. I miss the person she was horribly. I grieve her every day. But I don't know who she is now. Who told me never to call again. Who didn't show up when I died twice after a successful suicide attempt and landed in the icu, babbling about being used for a year as a convenience, not love. The heartbreak of realizing you were nothing, meant nothing, and always woukd be nothing to the people you gave up your life, and family for. How they made sure to tell me I was never a part of it. Object. She never came.

It's all buried. Because one terrible man I gave myself to broke me. From yelling at me when I was sleeping, trying to sleep, or trying to fuxk me when I was asleep (and then screaming at me), to locking me in rooms and took my clothes so I couldn't run. Screamed and berated me for every last thing you can think of for hours. "You can't always just cry." Holes in the walls. Death threats. Suicide threats. The gun. Screaming. Pounding. Where, shut, disgusting. Never believed I'd been raped. "I bet you liked it. I bet you asked for it, begged for it, liked it better than me." "How could I ever love someone like you," "how could I ever marry you," "look what you make me do." It never stopped. And in my head it never has. The day I left was the day I had a seizure at work after finding out he had been cheating on me (which I knew) but with a woman he was in a relationship with and telling he loved her. Later, i found out about the countless others. She ended up having her own horror stories. I still wake up screaming, fighting, begging. I can't sleep anymore. I'm scared. I developed a seizure disorder linked to trauma. Later, a "friend" that was my one remaining friend and support was the one I turned to during another suicide attempt. Knowing I was actively in the middle of this and overdosing, he gave me more pills and violently raped me through the night and into the morning. Laughed as I fell unconscious. Threw up. It didn't matter, and he never stopped.

Now, there is so much I forget after acquiring a brain injury from dying and damage from the narcotics I took to do it. Nevermind the mental health aspect or any of my chronic illness. But I remember so much I wish I didn't. I wish I could remember the things I just looked at, get words out properly, remember short-term.... I'd love to forget.

[theletterineversent]

Dear Late Night Uncertainties,

I can't sleep, so my head is doing all kinds of crazy things right now, but I just wanted to tell you that if there's anything I can ever do to be a better girlfriend, all you have to do is tell me. I want to be there for you in every way that I'm wanted and that I can... I'm really excited to move in together and see where life takes us in the future. Just saying that, there's a part of me that won't stop thinking about all the ways I could fuck it up, that even just sending this, you're going to read it, think I'm just insecure and annoying and realize that you could do better. I worry everyday that the next words you'll say to me are "We need to talk" and my whole world is gonna come crashing down because I can't imagine my life without you. Now I'm clingy too. And the rational side of my brain knows that you're not the kind of person who would dig a hole so deep by lying to someone and saying you love them when you don't, or by moving in with them, or by spending any amount of money on coffees for us when I know it's hard financially sometimes. Someone who doesn't care about another person wouldn't do those things.

But sometimes when you snap at me because you're irritated, I don't honestly know if it's because you're irritated with me or slmething else or just irritated. And so I beat myself up because god, I just want to be there for you and be with you and lay in your arms for the rest of our lives. Shit, I want to quit my job and get an RV and just travel the world with you, just the two of us.

I don't know how much of this stems from the fact that I've never had a relationship last longer than a year, or just about a year. Or how much of this is just this suddenly overwhelming depression and anxiett I find myself saddled with.

Please don't think I'm blaming you for anything or saying that you're doing anything wrong. There's definitely days that are wonderful, and then there are days when the end is there, I can hear the words coming out of your mouth like you're actually saying them, and then we say I love you and part and it's all okay, until I start to.overanalyze everything again. Does he mean it? I've been in relationships before where I kept it going well after I had realized that I wasn't invested. Is he doing the same thing? Can't be, we're moving in together? Why would he trap himself.in a one bedroom apartment with someone he plans on breaking up with? He wouldn't be so cruel as to do all that, then break up and just move back in with his friends would he? Could he be capable of that?

I'm just so uncertain and I'm afraid to talk about it with you because I'm afraid you'll realize its true and leave.

Im so afraid. I cant stand it. Im not gonna hurt myself but theres nothing to take my mind off these stuoid thoughts and I cant do anything about them so I sit here and worry and worry and worry and worry and play that stuoid color by numbers game which doesnt take my mind off anything...

Why the fuck are you asking people on tumblr to dm you? I dont care if you post a nude selfie everyday. Girls across the world could look at you and it wouldnt matter. But dm me? Really? Who the fuck is dming you after looking at your nude pictures? What do they want? You said at magstock that it bothered you when guys would stare at me, so why do I feel so guilty thinking about how to bring it up to you that I randomly found your tumblr and that i dont care if you posted that selfie I thiught was just for me, but that the hashtag dm me was the real kicker that partially helped set off this goddamn nightmare of a novel of issues. Dm me?

Dm me?

What do I need to do to be enough? Why do you need DMs for strangers on the internet? Shit. You made me feel.sexy enough to take nude pictures of myself and send them over the internet. That takes a lot of trust. And confidence. And both kind of took a hit tonight.

Am.i too boring in bed? Nevermind, running a porn blog doesnt mean that our sex is bad, I sure hope you'd tell me if the sex is bad, Im not opposed to trying new things if it excites you. And people post selfies all the time, nude selfies too. Hell, one of my friends is a dancer porn star cam girl. The nudity isnt the fucking problem.

You know what, Im mad. Real mad. And i wont talk about it, I know, cause Im afraid that Im already pushing you away so why give you any more reasons to think Im a crazy jealous bitch, right? But I dont think its fair that you get jealous when other guys stare at me and youre literally fucking asking strangers on the fucking internet to fucking dm you on a fucking nude pic? While were literally talking about moving in together? What the actual.fuck?

Do you sext with them? Does anyone even DM you? Three people liked it, that I know. I swear, I try really hard to not be jealous, but shit, I dont even know where to go from here, my thoughts keep getting stuck on how betrayed I feel and how angry I am but also how hurt, and how insecure I feel that Im not enough for you.

Ive given you so much, and you've given me so much too, which is maybe why this hurts so much. I don't know. Its late, and I have work in 6 hours and Im probably not falling sleep anytime soon.

All I want to do is call you and ask about it like a rational adult, and maybe I will tomorrow night, but maybe Ill also just wait until the next time you post a selfie asking people on tumblr to dm you, and maybe Ill create a fake account and dm you from it, and see what you say. But see, thats the bitchy sneaky way to do it and no good comes from that. But will any good come from asking you in person?

What if you try to lie to me and say you dont have a tumblr and I have to tell you I know all about it and I already know that you posted that while we we've been dating?

On another note, do you have something against putting on facebook that were in a relationship? Its been almost a year. Sure, fb official doesnt mean jack shit, and again, on a rational level, I know all of that. But damn, if sometimes it wouldnt make me feel better.

Ive done this in the past, the boyfriend doesnt put relationship status on facebook, doesn't take many pictures with you, doesnt come over to your place as often as you come over to his...

I know (think? Can make up?) Good reasons for these things in our case - relarionship status isnt your thing, the important people know and thats what matters; we have too much fun to take photos together, were living in the moment; damn I live stupid far away and you dont have a car or much money to take a lyft or an hour long bus ride everywhere

Still hurts sometimes though.

You know what else hurts? You'll never see this. You'll never know all these feelings in my head becuase I am.forever to afraid to talk about with you in person or on the phone. You'll never fucking know and I'm afraid that will be the end of us.

I love you, and I want to be with you for a long time, and I can only sit here in this moment, afraid, hoping that this is all just stupid anxiety and that things are gonna get better when we move in together because I dont think I could take the heartbreak.

Love, Me.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

yesterday i felt like both me and our friend was kind of offended by him. he wanted to grab and knew i was with our friend anyways. he also knew i was having trouble earlier. we showed up to drop off his shit and i thought id take the opportunity to quickly use his card to pay for my college application. its not that i dont have the money, its not that i didnt try - its that i had like no other option on a time limit. but both him and his mother were super rude to both of us - why they would be rude towards someone who was asked to be there is beyond me. and ive learned to break these delusions of like.. this must be okay. it must be me and i mustve done something to make this happen. but i didnt. i did what theyve wanted me to do. when we left, which i asked if we could - our friend came to a point that he didnt even believe hed tell us if he found it anyways. we were there for a total of twenty minutes and my greeting was being told by his mother that they were expecting dinner with some insurance guy from his work at 8pm. i said thats cool - we werent there for dinner? it was 7pm. he didnt bother to see the person he invited when i told him he was there and when i went back in a second time to get him, he rudely snapped that he can knock on the door - as if me going in the backyard up to his face and saying "hey were here" was not enough. his mother also made a second comment about how this guy was coming for dinner. i told her that our friend was waiting for him and she gave a heavy sigh and made a big deal out of it. when he finally made the deal, i asked about the card and he said he couldnt find his wallet. he started looking for it and after five minutes my friend and i felt very uncomfortable so i popped back in to say goodbye and his mother was equally rude again - we know, someone youd be ashamed if they knew we existed is coming to dinner. we get it. as we drove away, my friend began brainstorming solutions to my problem with the card. i realized i wasnt in the wrong. and i was grateful to have someone who witnessed both sides of the story see that all i wanted, really, was to accomplish this goal because it was important on multiple fronts. and this person who claims to want to help just ignored me asking for help and made me feel like crap for it. but he felt offended too - he wasnt treated very nice either. you know, i dont have parents i can ask to borrow this shit. im relying on flaky and immature 20 somethings to come through on things that dont relate to them. no matter what the fuck i offer in return it doesnt matter. i shouldve lived their life and had the things they had. everyone should just be on their level. so i am offended, i guess. i wrote on it last night and described it as living within this bubble and they see everything from the perspective of this bubble and things not inside the bubble are completely cast off. when his friend died, his mother audibly shared to people that she was glad it wasnt her son. when i first heard this i thought no way - maybe they misheard. but she would absolutely say this because she exists in her bubble. like.. i think my friend also sees the unspoken parts of this too. here is someone who has struggled for months, been hospitalized, medicated, malnutritioned, clincally depressed but continued to support and give to those around me as much as i could - he never yelled at me for wanting to die. he sat across from me and believed me, every single time. because every single time was serious. he cant imagine nothing - he knows something without luxury and he knows i dont deserve that a d he respects that i have nothing. he knows it. its nof an obligation, its ljke.. genuine love. not romantic, but a genuine platonic love and desire to see someone be well. but here i am trying. im really trying. and among everything else, im looking ahead for the first time. do i deserve to go to college? maybe i dont. maybe i donf deserve an education or trade for the same that i dont deserve the 'free money' to eat. do you know the amount of obstacles a person in poverty faces. ore than just unemployment? they could BE employed and in poverty. every obstacle placed in front of them is another blow to the ego - as they watch other people afford to eat, to have clean clothes - and this creates anxiety. which leads to depression, which leads to not giving a fuck, which leads to spending what money they do have on comforts like cigarettes or alcohol because the fight to get ahead is already killing them and theyre trying to ease the pain. whether you have a handful of money or not in this scenario it doesnt matter. and every blow leaves a scar. this is my medical community experience. every blow, every attempt at help shot down by a judgemental person, it left a scar over my desire to do better and keep going. and each time that scar got thicker so i was less hurt by the failure eventually but still affected. but the scars replace a hopefulness and a naivety about the world. because i convince myself above all odds to believe it will work. i tell myself theres no reason for it not to. i ama human like everyone else. what do they have that i dont? everyone deserves medical treatment. teenagers go to college. why shouldnt i recieve the same treatment? i talk down my anxiety. from experience, four, fives timez before - didnt work. but this time, for whatever reason, its going to work. for whatevrr reason it didnt before. theres no rhyme. i dont know why or how. what do i do to avoid it? so here i am about to apply for college. the first obstacle was the desire to be alive to think into the future. which was a big one and still a struggle. it meant a certain promise to myself. then the obstacle of getting the money to apply. just to apply. which took 7 days. and now, a one step payment process which should be done without issue - not working. not working so much that i need someone elses card which means another obstacle of finding and asking and then actuallly doing it. to be treated like dirt while attempting to solve this simple problem only adds to it. and our friend knew this. he knew another scar had been placed on top and he anxiously tried to offer solutions before i decided to give up completely. and i do kind of feel like that. like i just want to give up, like who was i fooling? i didnt even want to tell people because it was probably goi g to fail and lead to another embarassme t of shit i somehiw cant do. its a -credit card-. fuck man. it shouldnt be this difficult. but since im a fucking nobody with no real ties, it is. so i woke up feeling offended. he didnt make any further effort to find his card or contact me. so why should i bother? thats how i feel about all of today now. why should i even bother? i cant for e these things to be important when theyre stuck on simple road blocks. ive had friends buy concert tickets easier. the funny thing is - hes probably offended that i just ~showed up. like im in the wrong for trying to do somerhing for myself when hes a major figure in my life that creates negative judgements of me. i dont like being trapped. like do better but expect nothing from me except to take up your time without worry or second thiught. i hate that i have to borrow money from him because its going to be a disaster. i absolutely believe itll end badly.

[hardwarevent]

I'm a little drunk right now

So I just hung out with M and V and watched John Wick. Damn that was a good movie. Now I’m waiting for the Bart train to take me home. It’s like 11pm. Not super late. I just hope C isn’t there with their fucking crush like macking on each other and shit. I hate just, like, looking at it? And being aware of it. Like, this fucking guy messages M like “hey C and I thiught youd wanna wanna hang out and watch this horror film I got in Japantown XD (like he actually fucking used XD as a 20+ year old male) and M was like "nah I’m doing shit with (me)” and I know this because I saw the telegram conversation while we were ordering food. Like fuck you man, what the fuck is going on here. You trying to steal my friends man? Well good fucking luck you mousy beta asshole. God. What a dickhead. I don’t know what the fuck C is trying to pull with this shit. God. Like I was at a Chinese place with C and their crush and the cat furry friend yesterday and like C made fun of like my piss fetish??? In public?? Like god you are making a really good case as to why I broke up with you. And then I went furry bowling. God, C’s crush is so beta, C just kinda leads him around and he follows their every fucking whim, it’s pretty pathetic. I kinda want to beat him up. It definitely wouldn’t be hard. It looks like he never went through fucking puberty. He sounds and looks like Jake from the old Collegehumor vids if he was way shorter, fatter, and had a terrible pencily mustache. Like, what a fucking downgrade, right? He makes nowhere near what I make, even when I’m underpaid for my education and skill level. I dunno what I’m gonna do if I walk in and they’re still hanging out. Prolly gonna beeline it straight to my room. So P90x is going okay. I cheated on the diet these past 2 days, but I’m remarkably consistent on the workout end. Ive done like 5 weeks of workouts out of 13. My abs are coming in…. I think. I reached my lowest weight in a while yesterday: 170.5 pounds. After i drank some water and ate a banana it was 171 so thats what I listed on myfitnesspal. My goal is 170. The shit ton of alcohol I wasn’t supposed to drink today is noooooot gonna help. Aw well. I can still work towards it. I’m doing… amicably. I can say that I’m actually making progress. I’m working out, eating okay most of the time. I just gotta find a girl, man. I was actually talking with one. Kinda ugly, but we got along okay. After chatting, I asked about weekend plans, and I shared not having anything going on presidents day, and like that was it, I haven’t heard back. Idk. Prolly blew it. There’s other fish in the sea. I’ve been trying out Tinder, but have had literally no hits. I’m really bad at this whole online dating thing. Ah well. Oh look, the train, this killed the 17 minutes necessary. So yeah, that’s how things are going. Not great, not necessarily good, but… manageably. I’m making progress towards becoming the dude I wanna be, no matter how lonely and depressing that path may be sometimes. Oh, and I beat the main campaign of Shenzhen I/O. That was fun. Maybe I’ll get around to beating every single puzzle. Who knows. Uhhh. Yeah. So I’m working on stuff. Here’s to keeping on working on stuff. P.S. They were still there when I got home, They were watching Game Grumps videos. Sitting close, but not holding hands or even really making contact or anything. What a fucking pussy this guy is, holy shit. 

[theletterineversent]

Dear You,

I can’t sleep, so my head is doing all kinds of crazy things right now, but I just wanted to tell you that if there’s anything I can ever do to be a better girlfriend, all you have to do is tell me. I want to be there for you in every way that I’m wanted and that I can… I’m really excited to move in together and see where life takes us in the future. Just saying that, there’s a part of me that won’t stop thinking about all the ways I could fuck it up, that even just sending this, you’re going to read it, think I’m just insecure and annoying and realize that you could do better. I worry everyday that the next words you’ll say to me are “We need to talk” and my whole world is gonna come crashing down because I can’t imagine my life without you. Now I’m clingy too. And the rational side of my brain knows that you’re not the kind of person who would dig a hole so deep by lying to someone and saying you love them when you don’t, or by moving in with them, or by spending any amount of money on coffees for us when I know it’s hard financially sometimes. Someone who doesn’t care about another person wouldn’t do those things.

But sometimes when you snap at me because you’re irritated, I don’t honestly know if it’s because you’re irritated with me or slmething else or just irritated. And so I beat myself up because god, I just want to be there for you and be with you and lay in your arms for the rest of our lives. Shit, I want to quit my job and get an RV and just travel the world with you, just the two of us.

I don’t know how much of this stems from the fact that I’ve never had a relationship last longer than a year, or just about a year. Or how much of this is just this suddenly overwhelming depression and anxiett I find myself saddled with.

Please don’t think I’m blaming you for anything or saying that you’re doing anything wrong. There’s definitely days that are wonderful, and then there are days when the end is there, I can hear the words coming out of your mouth like you’re actually saying them, and then we say I love you and part and it’s all okay, until I start to.overanalyze everything again. Does he mean it? I’ve been in relationships before where I kept it going well after I had realized that I wasn’t invested. Is he doing the same thing? Can’t be, we’re moving in together? Why would he trap himself.in a one bedroom apartment with someone he plans on breaking up with? He wouldn’t be so cruel as to do all that, then break up and just move back in with his friends would he? Could he be capable of that?

I’m just so uncertain and I’m afraid to talk about it with you because I’m afraid you’ll realize its true and leave.

Im so afraid. I cant stand it. Im not gonna hurt myself but theres nothing to take my mind off these stuoid thoughts and I cant do anything about them so I sit here and worry and worry and worry and worry and play that stuoid color by numbers game which doesnt take my mind off anything…

Why the fuck are you asking people on tumblr to dm you? I dont care if you post a nude selfie everyday. Girls across the world could look at you and it wouldnt matter. But dm me? Really? Who the fuck is dming you after looking at your nude pictures? What do they want? You said at magstock that it bothered you when guys would stare at me, so why do I feel so guilty thinking about how to bring it up to you that I randomly found your tumblr and that i dont care if you posted that selfie I thiught was just for me, but that the hashtag dm me was the real kicker that partially helped set off this goddamn nightmare of a novel of issues. Dm me?

Dm me?

What do I need to do to be enough? Why do you need DMs for strangers on the internet? Shit. You made me feel.sexy enough to take nude pictures of myself and send them over the internet. That takes a lot of trust. And confidence. And both kind of took a hit tonight.

Am.i too boring in bed? Nevermind, running a porn blog doesnt mean that our sex is bad, I sure hope you’d tell me if the sex is bad, Im not opposed to trying new things if it excites you. And people post selfies all the time, nude selfies too. Hell, one of my friends is a dancer porn star cam girl. The nudity isnt the fucking problem.

You know what, Im mad. Real mad. And i wont talk about it, I know, cause Im afraid that Im already pushing you away so why give you any more reasons to think Im a crazy jealous bitch, right? But I dont think its fair that you get jealous when other guys stare at me and youre literally fucking asking strangers on the fucking internet to fucking dm you on a fucking nude pic? While were literally talking about moving in together? What the actual.fuck?

Do you sext with them? Does anyone even DM you? Three people liked it, that I know. I swear, I try really hard to not be jealous, but shit, I dont even know where to go from here, my thoughts keep getting stuck on how betrayed I feel and how angry I am but also how hurt, and how insecure I feel that Im not enough for you.

Ive given you so much, and you’ve given me so much too, which is maybe why this hurts so much. I don’t know. Its late, and I have work in 6 hours and Im probably not falling sleep anytime soon.

All I want to do is call you and ask about it like a rational adult, and maybe I will tomorrow night, but maybe Ill also just wait until the next time you post a selfie asking people on tumblr to dm you, and maybe Ill create a fake account and dm you from it, and see what you say. But see, thats the bitchy sneaky way to do it and no good comes from that. But will any good come from asking you in person?

What if you try to lie to me and say you dont have a tumblr and I have to tell you I know all about it and I already know that you posted that while we we’ve been dating?

On another note, do you have something against putting on facebook that were in a relationship? Its been almost a year. Sure, fb official doesnt mean jack shit, and again, on a rational level, I know all of that. But damn, if sometimes it wouldnt make me feel better.

Ive done this in the past, the boyfriend doesnt put relationship status on facebook, doesn’t take many pictures with you, doesnt come over to your place as often as you come over to his…

I know (think? Can make up?) Good reasons for these things in our case - relarionship status isnt your thing, the important people know and thats what matters; we have too much fun to take photos together, were living in the moment; damn I live stupid far away and you dont have a car or much money to take a lyft or an hour long bus ride everywhere

Still hurts sometimes though.

You know what else hurts? You’ll never see this. You’ll never know all these feelings in my head becuase I am.forever to afraid to talk about with you in person or on the phone. You’ll never fucking know and I’m afraid that will be the end of us.

I love you, and I want to be with you for a long time, and I can only sit here in this moment, afraid, hoping that this is all just stupid anxiety and that things are gonna get better when we move in together because I dont think I could take the heartbreak.

Love, Late Night Uncertainties