kreuiza

[kreuiza]

am i being selfish?

am i being selfish for wanting to be ready for me now?

i know it is selfish and he’s still a person and him not being ready is not a reflection of me and my wrong doings

but still there will always be that thought of what if i was good what if i did more what if i was better

would he have stayed?

would i had been enough?

but that’s the insecure part of me speaking

there’s nothing i can or could’ve done to change this it is simply what we needed to go through wether it be for me or him we had to go through it and maybe i’m a lesson for him and maybe he’s a test for me

but in the end we just didn’t work out and there’s no reason to it i didn’t do anything and he didn’t do anything we just simply weren’t able to make it work

[kreuiza]

is it your pride like does it just hurt your ego that i didn’t wanna to wait?

do you even know?

it’s such an crushing feeling that someone doesn’t want you or that you’re special enough to make someone wait because they don’t want to deal with that

but it still sucks

so are we prideful or specifically are you to prideful to admit you knew what you were doing and you just simply didn’t really pay any mind to how it affected me because of the fact that you thought i’d stay or maybe that it wouldn’t have sucked that much if i left

and even now does it truly matter if i stay or go?

am i someone you can tell me you need in your life and not as a girlfriend but to try and argue to stay even just friends but you wanted to be my boyfriend and couldn’t even fathom the thought of arguing for our friendship back

but honestly would i have even wanted that?

would i be strong enough to look at this man and let go of everything u have felt for him before if i trued i could but until when?

i know i can be friends with my exes but i choose not to not because i don’t care about them or because i still want them but because of the fact of that part of my life being over

is it over?

am i ready to give up our friendship now?

i let go of the thought of us getting back together but am i ready to give up even trying to be friends?

and even then being his friend would be such a kick to the stomach

like i put myself in the position to see and hear him talk about other girls and that would absolutely crush me

i will always be jealous over anyone who gets to have him because anyone that has been or will come will have him in a way i never got to

they will understand him in every way i tried so hard to and could never get

if i had worked a little harder could i have?

if he opened up more could i have?

if i listened harder?

why couldn’t i understand him like i did to a certain degree but not to the degree i wanted to and i got to after we broke up because he was finally opening up but why did it have to take that for him to want to tell me?

why was he avoiding opening up to me?

was he scared?

what is there even left to think about?

what else is there to say?

i can think about it all i want that’s not the issue but i need to stop thinking me thinking anything will change anything

in simple words i need to allow myself to think about everything and why or what could’ve happened but i can’t think about what could’ve been because of what it is

what could’ve been is a dumb way to think because it takes away from the reality of the situation of what it actually is

a fools gold will never win against real gold

[kreuiza]

is fighting for someone real?

like constantly trying is it real?

not in the aspect of people doing it i know they do

but like is it genuine how would you know if it is or not?

does fighting for someone mean you love them or that you just don’t want to lose them?

is there a difference?

loving someone and fighting for them to stay means doing it how?

fighting for someone cause you don’t want them to leave means what?

does it all come from love or pride?

pride that i don’t want to stick through it?

or love that they can’t imagine life without me?

what am i even asking ill never actually know the answer or i dont even think there is an answer

but those are the best questions the ones where you don’t have an answer to it just depends on your views and how you think

everyone’s answer is different

[kreuiza]

sitting here thinking isn’t to bad especially with modest mouse playing rn im obsessed with

dramamine and heart cooks brain and night in the sun

just good thinking music to

[kreuiza]

becoming the person i need for myself?

can i even say i know what i need?

i need conversation

i need small acts of love

i need bigger acts at times

i need to know your certain

i need to be certain

i need to trust

i need to know your thoughts and perceptions match mine

you don’t have to be me but we have to match to a certain extent what we think and still be able to “argue” on the other sides views even if we don’t agree with them we still try to see it from their view

i need you to show up when it matters to me

i need you to be open minded

i need to be able to be weird unapologetically

i need a pushy person push me to do things

i need a voice of reason

i need you to think of me

i need to be considered

i need to be respected as much as i respect them

i need a reality check

i need harsh words spoken to me kindly

i need transparency

can i sit here and do all these things for others?

if i can’t does that mean i am not enough for myself?

if i can would that make me a better girlfriend to someone?

am i doing this for the right reasons of wanting to be a better girlfriend or because i want to be better for myself?

do i even respect myself enough?

i was told i have no self respect and it bothers me but it is true i have gotten to used to not respecting myself that i don’t even notice when im doing it anymore until someone plain as day says that what im doing is an embarrassment and sad to watch

as much as i don’t want to think others words or views of me affect me they do they always will

does that make me weak?

i am weak when it comes to it because it’s reality i do not love myself enough to respect myself

what is going on with me?

what am i truly looking for?

who am i even looking for?

do i even want what i think i want?

am i even allowed to question anything?

everything that is happening is because of my own actions

if i thought it was right as the time then who am i to also disagree it makes everything more confusing

leave things how you left them and let it go it is over you can go back and change your words but it doesn’t erase what i already said

my past actions will be forgiven but never forgotten

and in that scenario wouldn’t it always live there even while worked out it would still be there and still bother him just because i am “better” now doesn’t mean everything i have done before is gone it is just slightly less remembered

but never forgotten

[kreuiza]

by friends i do not mean close friends don’t worry about that but just like people i know you know

your close friends are my friends too that isn’t what i’m implying just like your mutuals or maybe actual friends no clue

[kreuiza]

to wish it worked out feels like i was betting against myself

to hope feels as a betrayal

to expect him to stay is a stupid thing

i have to learn to walk away when something isn’t for me

not being for me doesn’t make it wrong or bad just makes it not for me

you weren’t going to work for me the minute you decided your own choices

i would love to use those against you and throw them back in your face and maybe some part of me has and is

but to be honest i didn’t really care about what you did and i told you even while together “i don’t care what you do just keep it away from me” and i meant that i knew you weren’t the type to be in a relationship and i was taking a gamble so i kept my distance in the beginning and when i even had the thought “maybe he’s cheating on me” i still told myself but he’s in my life he’s here and i am lucky so as long as he isn’t throwing it in my face ill stay

but the disrespect just got lounder and showier and you showed everyone even if it wasn’t what you intended you didn’t jsut make me look stupid to myself which i could’ve handled but to everyone else

you made it to where random people thought it was okay to hit on me because of it you made them not take our relationship seriously because you simply weren’t and there’s a difference from not being ready and still having the decency to consider me and learning than to not be ready and still trying to continue it and expect me to just deal with it

your friends if you considered it serious should not have started trying to follow me or get with me after if you took it serious

and maybe they are fake and maybe they aren’t but not some of them wouldn’t have tried if they knew you truly did love me?

there has to be a reason and loving me i don’t doubt but truly loving me like wishing i was there? like still wanting me around for the most mundane moments like in general when i asked you if i was what came to mind when you thought of a perfect relationship i didn’t mean it in a unrealistic way if what they have

but in the aspect of that they make you laugh they have that love in their eyes when speaking to you they give you the bigger piece when they break something in half they put their phone down while talking to you all of those things are realistic it’s just you looking for them in the wrong people

my standards are higher than just love

you can love me all you want but if you aren’t good for me then what is the love for?

love is not the only thing when it comes to relationships you will be going through everything together good and bad eventful and boring anger and sadness

you find someone who you want there for every emotion who you feel will help you in those times or support you in those times

love is meaningless when it comes down to it because you can love someone and still hurt them but it takes understanding and commitment and dedication and patience and thought to be in a relationship

fighting to be together should not be the case it shouldn’t be a fight to be together it shouldn’t be confusing it shouldn’t be questioned

it should be the only thought

i should feel like i’m a guarantee not an option

he should feel like he’s a guarantee and not an option

which i don’t feel like i make him feel like anymore because i am already checking out

i am no longer hoping for something i already felt was coming as well and didn’t try to hide i knew what i wanted and i just needed to courage to accept it myself

[kreuiza]

yeah i know you’re here but i need to vent without bothering anyone

this still sucks like it still hurts letting it be and being honest and having to say i’m not coming back but it’s the truth ive just became so over it recently

like i wanted it to work i did but i just don’t see the point of it anymore simply just is what happened and there’s no changing that and i can try to change someone and you will change for those you love but that change shouldn’t come with the awareness of it

it’d just causally happen i changed for him and i didn’t even peep it but he couldn’t and would constantly tell me he wouldn’t change for me

but who am i to even ask that from him i didn’t go out with him with the intention of changing him

but i also should’ve realize that that isn’t what i wanted or needed in my life and in no way does that make him a bad person or a bad relationship we just simply didn’t know if we were compatible and we tried it and we weren’t

i don’t regret it at all i may have lost my best friend but in the end it is better than watching him fall in love with someone else in front of me knowing how i felt about him

i love him i truly always will but im just not in love anymore it’s so easy to fall back in love when i see him and to want to hold his hand or kiss him but those are all just memories now

he is gone and i am gone no bad blood no good blood either just no blood

we are just out of each others lives and i will always wish him good but it won’t be to the same extent it will just be to the extent i wish any human being good luck

i feel okay i don’t feel like sobbing every day and it’s getting easier to accept the reality of the situation

he wasn’t ready and he had unfinished things to work through and i simply saw it before he did and told him about it but he wasn’t ready to accept it and inevitably it lost me

i would like to say i was supposed to work on myself this year as well and now the year is almost over and i have not grown as much as i wanted for focusing on someone else above me i had so many plans i put off for it which is not okay and until i know how to manage that and manage myself i should not try to add someone in addition to my life

in honest words i do not want someone else or am looking for someone else i just simply can’t stay in a position where im starting to feel like an option and not a need

and the words that were coming out of his mouth even not meaning to sounded manipulative in the aspect of he said if i were to leave he wouldn’t come back

which i took as a “if you leave don’t come back” because of the fact of him telling me if i left he wouldn’t chase me anymore meaning if i chased him he would reject me in that same way which is fine that he would reject me that’s not the issue but it’s the ultimatum of you leave and it’s over or at least what it felt like

and i have fought for enough people to stay in my life family to stay friends lovers to know that it doesn’t matter

fighting doesn’t mean anything i made my decision i am leaving it in the past and moving forward with my life and it feels sad and lonely at times but i felt lonely with him there too

i no longer had an instant teammate who was with me against it all he is simply just another person now

very bittersweet you see this person you used to love adore even and now they just turn to this person you don’t even know anymore

very sad losing people will never not suck i don’t care how many people ive lost this feeling will never be normal for me it always hurts

but i know ill live and ill be okay and its for the best at least as of now

i cannot tell you for a fact this is right but it is what feels right to me and i ought to listen to myself sometimes

i am not dumb nor stupid and me saying that about myself is dulling my actual thinking skills

i know what is right from wrong and i’m normalizing the fact that im wrong more often than right but i also never try to be right or try to put my word above others for the soul fact of not knowing if im correct to them

and i may be wrong that is completely fine but ive been wrong so many times its hard to even trust myself and my decisions but if i know fully know that what im feeling is correct i am going to stand with it because i may not know facts but i have always been good with feelings and understanding them from things that i should’ve never have had to see or deal with but it made me the person i am and i should trust one of the only skills i do have

[kreuiza]

why are there so many cars out

[kreuiza]

does me saying it make it to where i feel good because i said it out loud or because they know?

like am i proud for the right reasons?

if i have to question it then obviously i have doubts that i am

if i have to announce it to the whole world i don’t believe it

so am i doing it for the reason of because i actually care or because i want them to?

what do i expect to get out of it?

jealousy envy love???

[kreuiza]

fairly very cute when people point out things i didn’t even notice about myself

i love when people are people

like we are all just humans it’s so cute when we act in human behavior soft human behavior not like harsh anger or like what we consider bad from human behavior but that soft shit of simple acts of kindness not like over the top but just the little things that show you you’re cared about constantly

i am loving how life is recently i might not have everything ive ever wanted and or will probably be getting it soon but i will one day and for the moment i am enjoying the days going on even if it isn’t everything i consider this everything right now

everything is changing and becoming new slowly but one day nothing will be like how it was yesterday and i find that beautiful

[kreuiza]

:0

[kreuiza]

what someone likes or doesn’t like is not a reflection of me

it’s a reflection of what works for them

my job is to not fit into that

my job is to see how people love

and choose whether or not that works for me

not to try to get you to like me

[kreuiza]

let go of the past and keep moving forward

i used to love that movie as a kid

it’s from meet the robinsons awesome movie coolest actually i love it

[kreuiza]

a lady bug landed on me today i guess there’s a new beginning coming in when im ready to let go of this old one

[kreuiza]

took the fattest nap just now and sebas woke me up and i wa snot ready to be awake but either way it’s so quiet right now it’s weird

[kreuiza]

i cannot wait for my next life i really hope im like a honey badger or something