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neutron-stars-collision · 4 years ago

Text

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 19 - Holy Ground

Masterlist; Chapter 18

Summary: In the days before the mission in Tallinn, you and Neil have a few conversations to clear the air of doubts. Only, the mission itself proves to be a disruption...

Warnings: Swearing; mild violence.

Author’s Notes: Here we go, my favourite mission (and favourite Neil outfit too). This is only part one of the Tallinn action because so much happens... as you’ll see. I’m sorry. I really am. Hope you enjoy and please leave me feedback if you feel like it!

Song mentioned is: ‘Holy Ground’ by Within Temptation (I’ll share it in a post later but basically listen to it after reading and you’ll know why I’m obsessed)

Edit is courtesy of my amazing friend @sh3tani once again (ilysm and thanks for everything 💕)

The upcoming days were busy. You have been assigned the task of getting hold of some of the vehicles and artillery TP wanted for the heist in Tallinn. It was difficult, not only because it is actually rather hard to acquire a fire truck with no records left from the transaction, but also because you barely had any clue what you were actually doing. And so, most of the time, you were sat at the dining table in the flat, calling various shady people Neil gave you contacts to. Sometimes, a tea would appear in front of you, courtesy of the other team members thoroughly apologizing for how they handled the ‘alley situation’.

It seemed like your late-night walk and the cold treatment you gave everyone (including Neil) for the next 24 hours afterward worked. The jokes have ended, and contrition took their place, usually in the form of extreme helpfulness, random acts of kindness, and, in Neil’s case, a break from teasing. At least for a short while.

The only development you were not so sure of was the fact that the whole team decided to label your relationship. Not just any label but dating, verging on a couple. And that was rather terrifying. It struck you especially the night before when you have minded your own business in the kitchen. Watching over the pasta boiling on the stove, you listened to the plans made by Ives. He was trying to settle on the best way to track Neil during the heist when he suddenly turned to you with a question:

“Has your boyfriend told you what kind of car they are going for in the end?” the neutral tone made you skim over the term at first.

But then your brain caught up. What?! You almost toppled over the whole pot of pasta onto the floor when trying to drain it. Fuck. Ives was staring at you quizzically, as though confused about your current state.

“I… Who?” you stammered out the question, knowing it will only make everything worse.

“Neil” Ives grinned, “Unless you’ve gone for an open relationship and there’s another boyfriend involved”

“Christ, please stop” sighing, you tried to calm down just enough to function “I believe he’s going for a BMW, don’t know what series but something fast enough just in case there was a chase” triumphantly, you poured the sauce over the noodles.

“I’ll need to give him a call about it” Ives smacked his tongue thoughtfully.

“Feel free” using the opportunity, you grabbed the cutlery and escaped into your room.

Boyfriend? Now that was something to cause anxiety. Because despite everything that happened, all the things you have told Neil and got in return, you had no clue what you were supposed to be. Not really. Yes, sometimes you let yourself entertain the idea that maybe you were together, maybe he was your lover. But… was he? Could he ever be that?

With those thoughts occupying your mind, you only managed to last until afternoon the next day before giving in. After failing to contact a car dealer for the fifth time and realising that you have completely messed up the route plan due to forgetting about important details, you closed the laptop. It was hard to think when all your brain did was give reasons for why Neil would never actually want to be with you. To summarise: you were not enough, naïve, hopeless, and dumb enough to think that someone this incredible could think about you seriously. Stifling the sudden desire to breakdown and give up on everything, you dialed his number. He picked up almost instantly.

“Yes, my love?” your heart clenched at the nickname.

“Hi… um… Do you have a moment?” you cringed at the awkwardness.

“For you? Always”

Maybe, on another day, that would have made you smile. But that was not that kind of a day.

“Neil, I’m serious,” sighing, you rested your head on the cold wall behind your bed.

“What’s wrong?” his tone switched from playful to concerned.

Okay… now there’s no turning back.

“I’ve just been thinking...” you started, debating on the best way to breach the topic.

“Oh no”

Damn him. You cracked a small smile, knowing that was the intention. You could almost picture him at this moment, sat in some absolutely strange position in the armchair, nothing but long legs and ruffled hair. You did have it pretty bad.

“Shut up” you took a deep breath and blurted out “It’s probably stupid, and feel free to ignore this but... what even are we?”

There it is. Your whole existence hanged on his reply. But, of course, Neil needed more clarification than that…

“How do you mean?” his careful tone made your heart rate elevate.

The result was a string of sentences you shot out with the speed of a machine gun.

“Because everyone here assumes we’re dating. And Ives called you my boyfriend last night, and I don’t... I don’t know if that’s what’s going on and-”

“Okay, calm down,” he interrupted your rant “Take a deep breath” he waited until he could hear you exhale to continue “What do you want this to be? Because we’re the only people who have a say about it” the diplomatic tone made you frown.

But then maybe he just wanted to get your point of view before saying anything substantial… Trouble was you had no clue. Picking on a loose thread on your sweater, you sighed:

“I don’t know” maybe this was the right time to give him another piece of mind? “I always hated labels because when you name something, it becomes real” you admitted, letting yourself slide down onto the pillows.

Nothing could hurt you there. Apart from potential rejection from the likely love of your life. Basically, fml, as the kids say.

“What about good things?” his question caught you off guard.

“Well, yeah, but… once there’s a couple, then there can be a break-up” the insecurity had an answer for that too.

Your cheeks heated up upon saying the word. Because even that felt like a step too far. Like maybe you were clingy. Obnoxious. Someone he could want to get rid of as quickly as possible. Before you decided to back out of the conversation, he replied:

“That’s a rather bleak way of looking at things” it was still that thoughtful tone.

A burden then.

“I know” you groaned, frustrated with yourself.

But the next thing he said was rather surprising…

“I’ll need to work on making you more optimistic. Not because I don’t like you the way you are, but because I want you to realise how wrong you are sometimes” the conviction and practical implications of the statement made you speechless.

The future tense. The admission that he did like you, with your countless issues and overbearing anxiety. It couldn’t be, could it? Neil took your stunned silence as permission to say more:

“From my side, let me say that dating doesn’t quite cut it because it implies not being sure... And…” despite yourself, your ears perked up, wanting to know what he meant.

“Yeah?” you prodded, trying to toe that precarious line between curiosity and fear of rejection.

“I’m not really in the trial stages anymore. Don’t think I’ve ever been” he clearly wanted to tell you more but was holding back.

Maybe it was for the better. Before you could think about a response to that, Neil added:

“Basically, we don’t have to use any labels. We’re just us” the simplicity of that statement broke through your resolve, making tears well up “Me and you. We know best what that implies and no one else matters” quietly, you sobbed, and he laughed before choosing to put that final nail in the metaphorical coffin “You’re my love, and that’s the only nickname I need” Neil sounded happy, as though despite your worries, he wanted to say that “I can be your idiot, as long as I’m yours” the punchline came with an audible smug smile.

Oh my god. You laughed, with tears still silently falling down your cheeks and heart hammering in your chest. He was impossible. Absolutely impossible. Suddenly asking that crucial question was not that scary. Because maybe today was the day when would tell you, without alcohol or worries prompting the confession. Taking the plunge, you spoke:

“Neil, do you-”

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted you with an answer.

“I haven’t even asked the question” you frowned, unsure whether that kind of an answer was better than a confession.

Because, yes, he already said it once (almost twice), but both those have been anything but thoughtful. And your ever doubting brain was quick to use that fact against you.

“But I know the answer” he sounded certain.

Perhaps too certain.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to tell you over the phone” Neil sighed heavily on the other end “Listen, I have to go… but call me or text if you need to talk” he hesitated before adding, “No matter what I want you to remember what I said that night in London”

Oh… It was the first time any of you brought it up. You just assumed it was one of the things that just slipped out in an unguarded moment. You wanted it to be true, but then that was too risky. But maybe not…?

“I heard you” you whispered despite being alone in the room.

“I know” you could picture the soft smile he sometimes gave you “Goodbye, my love. Good luck with work” at the reminder of the piles of papers still waiting, you groaned, causing him to laugh.

“Will be needed since what you’ve assigned me is close to impossible” the change of the topic was dearly welcomed.

Grabbing the laptop again, you opened it up and felt all the motivation dissolve upon the sight of the route waiting to be planned. Coffee will be needed. And maybe whiskey too.

“I believe in you,” Neil broke your brooding with a comment, “And it’s not really me who assigned it” you rolled your eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. Bye, idiot” unable to stop the grin on your face, you ended the call.

So maybe it was worth calling… Even if only to learn that he was in fact yours. And that he did not mind your insecurity or moments of anxiety. Maybe all this had some more potential than heartbreak and tragedy? Ignoring all the thoughts, you focused on the workload. After all, someone had to get all those bloody vehicles on time for the boys to play with.

*** The closer it got to the day, you could feel the tensions rising within the team. Partially it was your own fault and the fact that you were nervous. The plan was vague enough. What you and Ives’ squad knew was that TP intended to take over the plutonium 241 on the move, specifically on the highway leading out of the city. For some reason, he needed a fire truck and a firefighter suit for that. You had no clue why, but you blamed it on the boyish dreams of being a firefighter. Sure they all had those.

Neil was simply the designated driver and mission coordinator, and you hoped that meant he would stay out of harm. As much as that was possible for an idiot like him. You were not allowed to meet to stop TP from getting suspicious, and so all you could do was rely on texts and daily phone calls to keep you from going insane. The downside of the situation was that you could not slap Neil when he said questionable things. Examples being referring to the heist car as sexy (“And what if I told that it’s not the BMW that’s sexy?” “I’d be flattered”) and calling you his girlfriend on the call with Ives. That second incident resulted in the squad leader acting all smug because he apparently ‘figured it all out’. He did not, but who were you to prove him wrong.

And so, you perfected the plan, finished all the assigned tasks, and waited on instructions concerning the day of the mission. When they came, the message was simple – sit on your assess and wait, just in case the Cavalry was needed. You did not specifically like that ‘waiting’ part. Especially since Ives began insisting that you do not actually join them in the field. In his mind, the safest place for you was the flat. Not being a part of the squad and not having enough experience were the main factors acting against you. And you hated the fact that he was right. That is until the evening before the mission when an unexpected text from TP came. You were busy trying to understand the rules of a strange competition show on the television when your phone buzzed. Expecting something nonsensical from Neil, you picked it up instantly. Only to get shocked by the number on display. The message was straightforward:

“Join the squad in the field in Tallinn. You must be there”

Right… When you were asking the universe for help, you did not expect that. But it was better than nothing.

Without a further ado, you got up and wandered over to Ives, who was sat with Wheeler and Michael at the table. Upon your approach, the Brit looked up:

“Don’t tell me you’ve got some last-minute changes from Neil” his blue eyes were hazed with concern.

“No, I’ve got something better” you passed him the phone and waited for a response.

The widened stare and arched eyebrow was the initial reaction.

“He wouldn’t have sent if it wasn’t important” you added, hoping to win the case.

“I don’t get it” Ives sighed heavily, leaning back in the chair.

He glanced at Michael, who nodded and left the room. You just assumed that the discussion was not meant for any ordinary squad member.

“Apologies for my language, but you’re not a bloody soldier, and it might get rough out there” Ives spoke up again after a beat “And I don’t want to fucking worry about your safety amidst all the other mess” he met your gaze warily.

It was a little embarrassing to be considered a burden. You flinched internally before trying another approach.

“I know, but Neil might need me” as soon as you said the words, Ives scowled.

Of course, that just sounded like a lovesick teenager fighting for a hopeless case. And you hated that. But his very next words triggered the remains of resolve.

“Frankly, darling-”

You broke into a laugh, knowing the quotation well.

“I swear, if you quote Gone with the Wind right now, I’ll do something stupid” as a warning, you grabbed hold of the knife lying on the table, making Wheeler snicker quietly “Please, let me go out there. I can track his GPS signal or something. And well, you know that I’ve got a good aim. It might count for something” pleading was not your forte either but at the end of the speech, Ives’ gaze softened.

Maybe? He sighed once again before leaning his forehead on the folded forearms on the table.

“If you get hurt, he’ll kill me” he muttered gloomily.

“You’re exaggerating” you bit back a dry chuckle.

“No, he’s not” your head snapped up at the sound of Wheeler’s voice “But I’ve got to back you here if TP sent that text, then it’s probably important” she looked at you with a small smile.

“Thank you” you grinned back, grateful for the support.

With the days spent among men almost exclusively, Wheeler’s company meant a lot. Soon she became the only person you were willing to discuss your worries with. Because she was not keen on cracking dumb jokes about your relationship and asked questions that did not only concern Neil. And that was a welcomed change.

“You really need to be careful though, because Neil cares about you. Which probably makes you the most important person on this squad” her voice broke through your thoughts.

You knew she meant well, but the statement still made your cheeks heat up. Because did he really care?

“Don’t. You’re making me all flustered” deciding you’ve had enough of the awkwardness you got up to fix a tea.

“Well, I’m only speaking the truth here” turning back to the table, you saw Wheeler shrug “The physics boy took his fancy upon you, and that’s no funny business” she grinned at your perplexed expression.

Briefly, you glanced at Ives, who seemed to have given up on fighting with you and instead was listening in to the conversation with a neutral facial expression. The kettle boiling was your cue to respond:

“Great” semi-aggressively, you threw the tea bag into the mug poured the water “Did he though?” you asked, not even looking at them or expecting an answer.

“Yep,” Wheeler stood up and gave you a quick reassuring shoulder squeeze.

“I’ve never seen him like this before” Ives added once you turned to face him again.

That tea could not brew any longer…

“Not even with…” you hesitated before adding quietly, “Alex?”

“Not quite,” the man gave you an enigmatic smile, only increasing your frustration “You’ve convinced me though. You’re coming with us. Just please, for the sake of my sanity, be careful out there” you resisted the urge to jump up in relief “Because I’d rather not deal with an angry Neil. He’s a pain in the ass enough” Ives added darkly before getting up and joining you by the kitchen counter.

Smiling, you finished the tea.

“Thanks. I’ll do my best” playfully, you nudged his shoulder with yours “You can always blame me though” picking up the mug, you turned towards the corridor.

“As though he’d care” Ives muttered at your back.

The sudden surge of confidence was surprising yet also inspiring:

“I’d make him care. There are some things even he can’t say no to”

The last thing you heard upon closing the door to the bedroom was Ives choking on water.

*** The Tallinn mission for you began with an early morning phone call from Neil. You got as far as getting out of bed after having been staring at the ceiling anxiously for the past three hours when the phone rang.

“Morning,” you muttered, stifling a yawn.

Espresso was certainly needed. Maybe two, before you would have to head out.

“Hey,” the soft tone felt like a mild punch “I’m glad you’re up already” Neil’s sleepy voice made you wish you could wake up together again.

There was always that slightly husky tinge to it, the way he lazily pronounced some words just because it was early still. So different from the enthusiastic overenunciation when he was preaching another messed up plan of his. Or the cheeky inflections he tended to use with you during banter. It was terrifyingly easy to get to know him that well because of how open he was with you.

“I couldn’t sleep. But it’s okay I’ll manage” you admitted, distracting yourself from the sudden thoughts “I didn’t tell you last night, but I got another text from TP… he wants me to join the squad today”

From the moment you have shut the bedroom door the previous night, you have debated calling Neil about it. But then he initiated another rather amusing texting exchange focusing on his fashion choices, and you felt bad disrupting the peace. It could wait. Not anymore. You held your breath until Neil responded with a simple question:

“Why?” he was careful, and you could not blame him for it.

You perched on the windowsill and looked out at the quiet cityscape. The streets were strangely empty for a weekday morning. Sighing, you answered in the best way possible:

“I don’t know, but Ives said yes after some coaxing, so I might see you out there” smiling despite yourself, you waited for his response.

Since recently you had to rely on phone calls, it became increasingly easy to determine his mood based on the tone of the reply. Or on the various nonverbal noises he sometimes made. Now there was a quiet hum proceeding the sentence. A surprise, mild confusion, and worry. Brilliant.

“As much as I’m happy we might meet… and that you can see me in that sexy car,” you rolled your eyes awaiting the point “Please, be careful. I need you safe”

It was not disappointing. You knew he did not intend it that way, and yet the anxiety fuelled brain was onto it instantly. I need you… safe. Unable to stop the comment, you muttered:

“Just safe, then”

“What?” any hope that he might have missed it dissolved with that single question.

Could he for once not listen to what you say? You know, like men tended to do. But then Neil was by no means an ordinary man.

“Nothing. Don’t mind me” the attempt at saving your dignity failed too.

“I thought it goes without saying that I do need you. And that I want you”

Oh god. At once, you wanted to smash your head into the wall and to kiss the bastard for being the way he was. Adding to that sentence, the mental image of his sheepish smile was enough to make your heart speed up. When the silence stretched, becoming awkward, you whispered a reply.

“It’s good to hear it sometimes” the coldness of the window glass cooled off your blazed cheeks, “Especially when I don’t actually believe it” he knew that by now, undoubtedly.

Here the nonverbal cue was a half-choked sigh. Annoyance. Frustration.

“You should. I don’t go around telling everyone that” Neil’s confident voice was trying to pull you back “And I certainly don’t have moments as we do with anyone else” at the implication, you felt flustered again.

Because there did not an hour go by without you thinking about what happened. The pull between you was startling at times. The absolute desire you felt. The way Neil knew exactly how to make you remember every second of every moment. With the memories flooding your brain, you could only utter a single question:

“Why me?”

It was curiosity. Because apart from that evening months ago when you first tried to make sense of your budding relationship, he never said why he cared about you. And you would never dare ask. But now, with everything that happened, it was worth trying. And Neil was willing to deliver:

“I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because you’re the bravest, kindest, most beautiful person I know” you could only keep on listening with your mouth agape “You fascinate me, and I want to discover all that you’re willing to give me” he finished in a reverent whisper.

That was not what you expected to hear. Not now. Not ever. Speechless, you wondered whether maybe this time it was not a mistake to give your heart away. It was too late. He had everything but your body; that was just a matter of time.

“Neil, I…” this was all you could manage, afraid you would give away another confession.

“Well, you’ve asked,” he chuckled lightly and then asked, “Are you okay?” you could picture that crease between furrowed eyebrows.

“I suppose-” a loud knock on your door interrupted the sentence; it was time, “I think I should probably join them for the final briefing…” hesitantly, you jumped off the sill.

Only two of you could be interrupted during such an important conversation.

“Go, I won’t keep you. Believe me, though, when I say that I want nothing but to be with you. In every way possible” your breath hitched at the connotation behind the sentiment.

Jesus, this man…

“That’s rather mutual,” like a secret you passed it to him on a sigh “But only when you’re not an ass” that was a much-needed distraction for you both.

There was work to be done, after all. You could hear the commotion in the apartment rise in volume and strength.

“I’ll do my best then. Good luck, darling” you grinned at the nickname he was determined to use.

Darling, you could do with. It was better than the ‘love’ that always made you feel like you were just another one among many.

“Don’t do anything stupid I still owe you a few slaps… and a payback” you added the necessary suggestive tone to the last word.

The rest was up to him to figure out. Which he did, if the pleased laughed was anything to go by.

“I’m very much looking forward to all of those” you missed that smirk.

“You should. Bye, my idiot,” you debated saving his number as that in your phone.

Maybe it was the way forwards.

“My love,” laughing, you ended the call when he uttered the words just for the sake of it.

But then that was Neil’s essence – doing things just because. Or to get a reaction from you. And you would not have it any other way.

*** Only when sitting in that bloody SUV, you learned the true meaning of waiting. And how much you hated to do that. There was nothing to do apart from sweating in the protective gear and avoiding the awkward small talk others were susceptible to. The squad has cramped into two non-descript vehicles, and you being the so-called precious cargo, ended up in the same car with Ives who have sworn to protect you. Only, for the first half-hour, there was nothing to protect you from. Apart from anxiety, boredom, and frustration.

Your role was rather simple – follow Neil’s signal on the map to know where you might be needed should he call for backup. As much as you did enjoy the possibility of tracking his movements somehow, you did not appreciate the cheeky smile Ives had on his face when he gave you the job. Or the comment combined with it: “Well, he’s your boyfriend, it’s only fair you keep him on the metaphorical leash here”. That is how the small blinking dot on the map of Tallinn became your sole focus for the past hour. Just before everything kicked off, Neil radioed you with a simple message: The mission is about to start. Wait for further instructions.

Ever since your morning phone call and the revelations that came out, you only exchanged a few texts concerning the practicalities of the action. Despite the nerves, you did hope to see him in near future. Even if just to check whether what he said was true. Looking for a distraction from the sudden thoughts, you glanced at the screen again. They were near, on the main junction of the highway, heading towards the port. Your SUVs were parked underneath a small overpass, five minutes away in the current traffic conditions. Which proved to be convenient, as it turned out.

“Is he still following the set route?” Ives’s question brought you to the present moment.

“Yeah, they’re-” you glanced to double-check the exact location when you realised that something has changed.

The dot was not moving. It was still blinking, but clearly, they have stopped at a crossing. Traffic lights? Your brain somehow knew that it could not be that simple. You opened your mouth to voice the thoughts when the comm came alive on the dashboard with static crackling:

“We need back up here. ASAP”

“Roger that” Ives tossed you the radio “Ask him about the details”

Without waiting for more information, Michael fired up the SUV engine as Ives contacted the second vehicle.

“Neil” you spoke into the receiver “What happened?” you flinched at the louder noise from the radio.

Gunshots?

“We’ve been ambushed by Sator’s people. TP’s status unknown”

Bloody brilliant. Swallowing down the rising worries, you asked another question:

“How many people?” another gunshot pierced the silence.

“Not sure. They’ve gotten clean up orders” a strained breath from Neil told you how bad the situation was.

“Okay. We’ll be there soon” you glanced at the road ahead.

Still, 2 mins to go. Anxiety was threatening to overpower you at any moment. But now was not the time.

“Hurry up” Neil closed the channel with a final dose of static.

Fuck… Forcing a deeper breath, you could only watch as you got closer to him. The sheer thought of something happening to Neil was unimaginable. That was enough to trigger panic. So you pushed the idea to the back of your head, focusing on the distance disappearing.

There was no mistaking the fact that you have been led to the right place. Crashed cars, asphalt littered with glass shards and broken parts, gunshots piercing the air. The destination looked like a car pile-up from an action sequence. Frantically looking through the windows, you tried to spot that blonde head. To no avail. The SUV came to a sharp halt as the squad members began jumping out of the vehicle. Once everyone else disembarked, you moved to follow them, only to be stopped by Ives:

“You’re staying here. I can’t have you out in the shoot-out” his blue gaze was stern, hand blocking exit out of the car.

The idea that you were so close to Neil and could not see him was enough to make you angry.

“I can handle myself. And he’s-” you spit out the words in the face of the squad leader while trying to push him away.

“I said no. The conversation’s over” with a final glare, he stepped away and scanned the horizon for immediate danger “If someone approaches the car, you know what to do,” he threw as a parting remark and disarmed the rifle.

Fucking hell! Groaning in frustration, you kicked one of the seats. He was so close. You glanced at the device in your hand. He could not be further than behind the first line of crashed cars. Biting on your lip harshly, you quickly went over the options. One was to obey Ives and stay inside the bloody SUV like a well-behaved child everyone apparently took you for. No one seemed to care about the vehicles you parked on the outskirts of the action. Flinching at the further salve from the heavy artillery, you knew that the squad had joined the fray. You could be safe here… but… Taking a deep breath you knew there was no possibility you could stay away from the action. Not when Neil was there, potentially in danger. It was not possible to give up on someone that important just because you were told to. Christ…

Glancing through the windows again, you could see Sator’s people attempting to clear the place. The squad evidently attempted to push at them from one side, hoping to get a clean sweep that way. Then, just as you were about to go back to the internal crisis overwhelming your thoughts, you did a double-take. Surely not? You would recognize that hair colour everywhere. There he was attempting what was looking like a skirting manoeuvre to circle the mercenaries with the Cavalry on the opposite side. Only that left him completely uncovered, in the direct line of fire. Bloody idiot. The instinct to jump out and run to him kicked in. The only thing holding you back was the fact that you would disobey the orders. And leave the car unguarded. All the hesitation disappeared once the comm in the car crackled with static:

“Emergency assistance needed. ASAP” the tension in his voice made your pulse quicken.

The lack of response from the team made all the blood drain from your face. You could see him trying to hide behind some overturned car. The henchmen were near enough to get him with no problem.

That thought was all the convincing you needed. Swearing, you quickly pocketed the tracking device, adjusted your protective gear, and grabbed the gun. You have been offered a rifle (just in case), but you preferred the classic. At least it was something right?

In two leaps, you have covered the distance. With the team trying to get through the attack line on the other side, it was just you and Neil. You shot a round in the direction of the approaching merc, missing the target yet earning attention from the main object of your focus. His eyes met yours across the plane. You could see shock, worry, and something else there. Suddenly a salve whizzed past you. The bullets cutting through the air all around, shooting past your head and piercing the car behind. A strangled yell from Neil was a surprising reaction, yet you did not blink twice. He was all you could see. With a final surge through the field, you reached him. The pure fury and anguish in his eyes took you aback. Have you missed something? But there was no time to ask questions.

“Go, I’ll cover you” you whispered, looking at the approaching group of mercs.

Neil took an additional moment to stare at you as though he could not quite believe you were there. But then he jumped up, aiming the gun at the man closest to you. The same that undoubtedly attempted to take you out seconds prior. When the mercenary fell with a bullet in the head, you stared in shock. There was no time to recover as Neil pushed through, barely looking behind at you. It was surprisingly easy to tune out the emotions, taking out anyone who could threaten him or halt your advances. You worked well together, movements in sync enough to stun the opponents on a few occasions. For a second, you wondered whether it was only bound to get better the closer you get to each other. That was certainly an interesting idea… In no time you have met with the line of the squad, watching on as Ives dealt with the last man standing. You have won. The adrenaline started to leave your body, resulting in tremors and shaking hands. Clutching the gun to prevent it from cluttering to the ground, you met the exasperated gaze of the squad leader. Your only response was a shrug. You did not regret the decision, seeing as you have evidently helped them in the field.

“Neil? Do you know where TP is?” Ives took his attention off you and looked at the blonde man.

You followed his gaze, for the first time actually looking at Neil since you spotted him across the plane. At the moment, you were struck by what a sight he was. Navy shirt with sleeves rolled up to expose the forearms covered with veins. The same tie he had on during your walk. Your pulse quickened. The vest drawing attention to the ratio between his broad shoulders and narrow hips, accentuated with a belt. Brown loose-cut trousers and scrapped leather shoes adding a classy touch. You were aware that you were staring yet unable to look away. Not knowing whether to blame it on the adrenaline rush, you wanted nothing but to touch him. Take off those driving gloves that piqued your interest at the first sight. Or have them be wrapped around your throat with just enough pressure. Get rid of the tie again. And…

“Think Sator took him” Neil’s response broke through your increasingly hazy thoughts.

Shaking off the images that started appearing, you looked up at his face again. The ruffled hair and flushed cheeks were not helpful. Fuck’s sake. It had to be stress. Because what else?

“Their place in the port?” Ives asked, his tone nothing but strict business.

“That’s my bet” Neil shrugged, looking around with something dark in his eyes.

He was tense, like a feral animal that could lash out any moment. You were not wrong. The cold blue gaze settled on you almost remorsefully, but before you could open your mouth, he snapped:

“What the fuck were you thinking?” the hostile edge to his voice was new.

You flinched as though you have been hit. The lack of physical impact did not matter. Your heart stammered. He need not explain what it was about. Please no.

“You needed a cover. They weren’t responding, so I did the obvious” you shrugged, feeling the anger grow “And I could ask you the same question” spitting the sentence into his face, you took a step closer.

You have never seen him that furious. Not even in Oslo after your little fuck-up. The sight was both terrifying and alluring. The dark blue eyes blazed with fury. Jaw clenched. Slight pink tint on the cheeks. And yet, still, you had no idea why he reacted like this.

“I knew what I was doing. That’s the difference” the coldness of his voice threw you off.

So it was real. He did mean it. You tried to save him, and here he was, pissed off at you. Making you almost regret it. Almost, because the love was there too. Not giving away no matter what.

“That’s bullshit” it felt good to admit, “You were reckless, as always, and expecting me to-” your rant got interrupted by a strangled yell.

Nothing prepared you for the revelation then. Or the sudden anguish on his face.

“You were almost shot!” Neil’s eyes glistened as though he was close to tears.

Suddenly it made sense. The rain of bullets you were hit with just before getting to him. The way he reacted. But you made it. Nothing happened. So why was he acting like that?

“Almost” ignoring the growing pain in your chest, you pointed out the obvious.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Ives and the rest of the squad observing you. You would rather not have an audience, but then Neil seemed determined to drive his point forward. His face scrunched into a pained scowl.

“Fucking hell,” turning away from your gaze, his back tensed even more “You can’t do shit like that just because I’m involved” the defensive tone took you aback.

What? It was getting worse. You could feel the confidence leaving your body as you struggled for a response. You would never think Neil would do something like that. Not after everything you have told him. Figuring out the only way you that could work, you took your own line of attack.

“Who says I did it only because it was you?” the implication hurt because it was partially correct “Quite an ego you’ve got there” his back was still turned to you.

That angered you even more. Crossing the distance, you placed your hand on his shoulder, making him turn to you. He flinched upon the contact as though your touch burned him. Oh my god. The tears welled up in your eyes. It could not be real. But the emotionless look in the eyes you thought you knew was very much real. It was as though before you realised Neil has built up a wall, guarding himself against you. And there was nothing you could do to get through. You got shocked by the cruel smirk that split his face.

“I can see the way you look at me. As though you wanted to-” you interrupted him sharply.

“Neil”

It was too much. Perhaps because it was true. But he was not done. Persistent to keep going.

“Admit it. It’s because you said some things, and now you can’t bear the thought of losing the object of your affection” the careless tone and the words pierced your heart with gut-wrenching pain “Well, you see, sometimes feelings need to be put aside” he added, almost casually.

Fuck. You gasped, unable to keep a straight face. He might as well see what he has done. Some things. So this is how much your confession meant to him. Good to know. You wanted to slap him, but you felt like that could turn back on you. So instead, you made sure to straighten your back, putting on the familiar mask of neutrality. You have done this before. Probably should have expected it. Only why did it hurt ten times more?

“Can we leave the bloody lovers quarrel till later?” Ives’s voice pierced through the tension.

But you were not ready. Raising your hand in a stopping motion, you turned back to Neil. His face was terrifyingly indifferent. Maybe it was all an act. Or maybe it was just that easy for him to get over whatever you thought you had. A lie. Gathering the smithereens of confidence, you forced a levelled tone:

“Says you. As though you’re acting out of reason right now” you gave him your best impression of the sneer visible on his face.

You could crumble at any moment now. Only the pounding in your ears and the wounded pride were keeping you upwards. But Neil wanted to destroy everything.

“More than you” he glanced at the team waiting impatiently “I really thought you’d know better than this” the punchline was more than you could take.

No. Please no. Your knees buckled, and you swayed. But then you caught the flash of concern in his eyes. Just for a split of a second. So it was not all cold and hatred? You heard Ives huff out a string of curses. There was no time for this. Whatever it even was. Honesty it was then.

“Better than to give away my heart to someone like you? Evidently not” you met his eyes for the final time before walking away in the direction of the SUVs.

The shock you saw in Neil’s face was enough to fuel the survival instincts. With the heart broken or not, the mission was still on. And the rest was silence.

#tenet #neil tenet #neil tenet x reader #neil x reader #neil tenet imagine #neil tenet fanfic #tenet fanfic #robert pattinson #the art of inversion

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spookyboogie3 · 4 years ago

Text

The trope Last Minute Hookup shouldn’t be used for LGBTQ+ relationships.

AND DEFENDING MY LAST POST ABOUT THIS.

I DO NOT hate any of these pairings. A good many of them could have been handled differently by the creators, writers, and networks. But this isnt me hating the relationships or characters or shows. Just going off about how they shouldnt have been tacked on at the end of their respective series.

As of writing this all of these shows have ended their original runs. Except for Supernatural which is on its last few episodes. And Supergirl, which announced its coming to end with season 6.

LGBTQ characters and relationships aren’t as common in the media as straight-cis characters and relationships. Sure things are improving but a lot of networks and writers still don’t fully understand why representation is important why they can’t keep using the same throwaway tropes they’ve been using for the straight-cis relationships.

You could name any piece of media and find and name one character that isn’t LGBTQ+, but you can’t do this with LGBTQ+ characters. We haven’t gotten to the point where they are as common as non-LGBTQ characters.

I have a whole paper I wrote on why asexual representation is important to have in the media and the same logic applies to any part of the LGBTQ+ or anything that falls under minority.

Back to the topic on hand. The trope of “Last Minute Hookup.”

Its exactly what it sounds like. Characters get to together at the very end of the story. These characters could have a on and off again relationship, lots of ship teasing, the classic “Will They or Wont They?” trope. What makes it different for non-LGBT characters in relationships to do this, we know what these relationships look like. Not to say the that both Non and LGBT relationship cant have similar struggles, however members of the LGBTQ+ community know how hard it is to feel like your identity and self matters and is normal.

I know that the whole “will they, wont they” thing is done for drama and networks and showrunners think if they give the fans what they want that they’ll start losing viewers and they have nothing to look forward to. Which is true to some degree. But most of this comes from the writers not knowing how to fucking write relationships.

Let’s just focus on whats it like to be in a non-straight relationship.

Heres an example: you have an action series, with 2 male leads and halfway through the show, they get together. Cool. Now you have a Battle Couple.

By making LGBTQ relationships happen at the end of a series that’s already had plenty of other non-LGBTQ relationships happen before it, it makes it look like the people in charge don’t care for it or were afraid of backlash. But it’s the end of the series so its not like they can get the show cancelled or anything. (The only people who are going to lash out at LGBT couple or characters are homophobic people, we don’t want them around any way so just make stuff super gay, so they’ll leave)

This is especially a problem when the writer and network have spent the whole series queerbaiting the audience with these characters.

Side note for anyone is doesn’t actually know what queerbaiting is:

It’s a marketing technique used in entertainment, which the writer or creators hint at but then don’t actually depict sex-same romance or LGBTQ representation. They do this to attract (bait) the LGBT/queer or straight ally audience into the show with the suggestion of representation but at the same time avoiding this as not alienate other audience members *cough* (homophobes) *cough*

Definition is from Wikipedia, not a reliable source says my highschool teachers and college professors but fuck em

The Legend of Korra is a great example of Last-Minute Hookup. Korra and Asami had VERY little ship teasing, and that was in the last 2 books/seasons. Any thing that was perceived as romantic came from the fans wearing shipping goggles. So to a lot of people just casually watching, yes this looked like it came out of nowhere. Nickelodeon had some serious balls to say how brave they were for putting 2 girls into a romantic relationship.

Theres a few problems with this.

A. It never actually aired on TV (to my knowledge). The last 2 seasons of Korra were put on Nicks website.

B. The confirmation that this Korrasami was canon had to come from the creators on twitter because of how unclear it was.

C. The show did the bare minimum when it came to hooking them up in the series. They walk off holding hands (very cute btw). They didn’t even get a kiss. Aang and Katara had a Last Minute Hookup at the end of ATLA after 3 seasons of ship tease and THEY GOT A KISS. Hell the original end of LoK*, has Korra and Mako kissing. *(the first season, they didn’t know they were getting more seasons at the time, no matter what you hear the writers say, they’re full of shit)

D. Anything continuation of Korra has come in the form of comics, which her and Asami are in a fairly well written relationship. Yes, they do kiss. Yes it would’ve been great to see this stuff happen in series.

A show that handles this a little bit better is Adventure Time. Not by much though. It implied several times that Princess Bubblegum and Marceline have history together and its shown more and more in its last few seasons that there is some ship tease happening. However its not until the finale where they kiss, and they are shown in the last minute of the show cuddling together in Marcy’s house. HBO has picked up Adventure Time and has a miniseries called Adventure Time: Distant Lands, where Bubblegum and Marceline’s past relationship is shown.

I had brought up in my original post about being upset with networks making LGBTQ+ relationships canon in the last season/episode. I originally had Catradora tagged. While Catra and Adora have history together, they did not become official couple until the end of the series.

Yes, I was wrong about the network making things canon in the last episode as they’ve always had ship tease with each other, and it probably was the writers’ intent to put them together by the end. They do technically fall under the Last-Minute Hookup, however.

I wanna talk about Once Upon a Time really quick. Fans of the show were hoping and wishing for an LGBTQ couple for the show as a lot of characters, especially Regina and Emma, have alot Ho Yay moments. The showrunners weren’t going to put those two together, for whatever reasons they may have for that (im indifferent on all the shipping going on with this show). The showrunners thought to put two characters together, and hoo boy did it not make people happy. The characters they put together are Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and Ruby the red riding hood, which would be fine if they had properly been developed.

The entire episode they did this in was a mess. They stopped the current arc during the season 5 episode ‘Ruby Slippers,’ to go over the characters that haven’t been seen in years, Dorothy was introduced and last seen in season 3, and Ruby was introduced in season 1 and was last seen in season 5 before ‘Ruby Slippers’. The characters get together in the same episode the meet in and are never seen again. The characters barely interacted, barely got along, and showed little to no ship tease or interest in each other and BOOM they are in love and together aaaaaannnnndd they’re gone. Other than having One Million Moms, a Christian fundamentalist organization, protest against the show and want it taken off the air (yes this really happened). The fans weren’t please with this development of the characters either.

(also Mulan was right there and already knew Ruby from a previous episode, and Mulan already is established to like girls as shown by her being in love with Aurora. Don’t know why the writers didn’t just put these 2 together but whatever I guess)

So they tried again in season 7 with MadArcher. The characters of Alice, a version of Alice in Wonderland from another realm (its complicated) and Robin, the daughter of Robin Hood and the Wicked Witch (it’s also complicated). And the writers did a lot better here. Both characters were allowed to have time together and have a history together too and it was done over the whole season. Not just one episode.

Now even though the writers decided to do something different with the last season and it could be detached from the previous 6 seasons, MadArcher is not really a Last Minute Hookup per say but still falls under my thing about it being the last season so who gives a fuck if One Million Moms gets mad us and tries to get us cancelled again.

I would like to say I have never watched a single episode of Supernatural in my life. I may one day. But as of right now my knowledge of it is coming primary from what ive seen on tumblr. You know a great source for doing research and looking for reliable information among the piles of shitposting.

From what I know from fans, the writers of Supernatural have been queer baiting for years. I mean it’s the CW, I’m not that surprised. What also wouldn’t surprise me, that by the end of the series Castiel is back and he and Dean actually start and relationship or strongly hint at starting one. I actually fear for the writer lives if they threw out a confession scene after years of queerbaiting and potential ship tease (debatable) and they don’t put them together. Fans are going to be angrier than they probably ever have been with this show and the showrunners and writers really would be known for queer baiting.

From what I know about how previous shows have done and if anyone that has ever worked on this show wants to continue living, Castiel will be back from Super Hell (is that what yall are calling it?) and he will get together with Dean. And they will fall under the Last-Minute Hookup trope and my networks make LGBTQ relationships canon last season.

One last show I want to talk about is Supergirl, which in has been recently announced that the 6th season will be the last. The show started on CBS but moved to the CW after the end of season 1. So more CW bullshit. There is no confirmation about whether the CW or any of the Supergirl writers are planning to do this, its all speculation. Supergirl is more LGBTQ friendly than some other shows on the Network. One of the main characters came out a few years ago and had a girlfriend a season and has had plenty of hookups with other ladies around the Arrowverse. They even introduced a trans-woman superhero in the form of Dreamer.

Let’s talk SuperCorp. Lena Luthor was introduced in the 2nd season and has been a major character in Kara’s life ever since her introduction. Even if she isn’t involved in the plot, Kara always goes to her to talk and check in on her and worry about her. They are best friends. Since the 2 have met, there has been plenty of Les Yay going on. The writers seem to be aware of the fans wanting SuperCorp to be canon and they keep throwing in moments like Kara and Lena struggling together or Kara carrying Lena bridal style.

Why I bring this up after the announcement of Supergirl’s final season to start next year. We may get SuperCorp. Kara has a relationship with William in the show and not a single person likes this relationship. The writers may scrap it and get put Kara and Lena together for the final season. This is a big maybe though. The Supergirl writers and crew get called out a lot for queerbaiting.

Let me know if you guys have any other examples of last season/last episode LGBTQ+ hookup.

And please let me know if you see any mistakes. This was all done in one sitting so I may have some things wrong.

Also check out the video by @aretheygayvideos on this topic too.

youtube

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morganaspendragonss · 5 years ago

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Hey, I was wondering if you could do a TK sick or injured fic with the focus on Owen doing the comfort?? I’m loving your writing.

Hope you’re okay with sick and injured, anon, because that’s what I've written! (ao3)

This pairs as my submission for @911lonestarweek‘s day two prompt - I’ll be by your side.

tw - implied/referenced homophobia, implied/referenced drug abuse and overdose, general injuries

The second Owen lays eyes on his son, he immediately knows he’d do anything to protect him from harm. He doesn’t know yet just how difficult that will be, but he suspects - although even his wildest suspicions don’t even begin to cover it. He still swears it, though, right there in the hospital, while Gwyneth is resting and Tyler is asleep in his arms.

“I promise, Tyler Kennedy Strand,” he whispers, almost so quiet he can’t hear himself, desperate as he is not to wake his son. “I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always protect you.”

When Tyler is four - though they’ve switched to calling him T.K. now, his full name becoming too much of a mouthful, and just generally too much - he falls while playing with some friends in the park.

At first, Owen expects him to get up and walk it off; T.K.’s tough like that. And, at first, it seems like he will. He pushes himself until he’s sitting rather than lying on the ground, but instead of getting to his feet, he just stares at his hands.

Owen’s up and moving before the first tear even begins to fall, kneeling next to his son and putting an arm around him protectively. T.K.’s not too injured, fortunately - he’s skinned both of his knees and there’s a tiny cut on his right palm - but Owen knows that the shock of the fall would have been worse than the actual pain itself.

T.K. sniffles and turns his face into Owen’s shoulder, his head tucked under Owen’s chin.

“You’re okay,” Owen murmurs. He pulls away and tilts T.K.’s face up to look at him. “C’mon, bud. How about we get you cleaned up, then we can get some ice cream?”

T.K.’s face lights up and he bounds to his feet, injury forgotten. Owen is slower to get up, his knees cracking, but he smiles as he watches T.K. race around, grinning at the prospect of ice cream despite his bloody knees.

Owen wishes all of a sudden that skinned knees and playground falls would be the only pain his son would ever have to worry about.

ii.

By the time T.K. is fourteen, it’s abundantly clear to Owen why his friends warned him about the teenage years. He’s angry what seems like all the time, pulling away from Owen and shutting himself in his room, snapping over dinner, and his grades are dropping.

Part of Owen knows this is normal - or, at the very least, something all parents have to go through. The other part of him knows it’s far from normal, even for a teenager; T.K. has had, after all, a far from normal upbringing.

And, yeah, Owen knows pretty much every kid over the age of ten in New York has felt the impact of 9/11. Christ, the entire country - the entire world - felt it, maybe even still feels.

But not every kid’s dad was there. Not every kid had to deal with the fact that their parent might not come back - though their family was one of the luckier ones in that regard. Not every kid went through a divorce on top of everything else.

Point is, T.K.’s always had it harder than most, but Owen knows that still doesn’t fully explain this new behaviour. Particularly not when he gets a call one morning, telling him that T.K.’s been in a fight and could he please come in to collect him?

Except Owen can’t go, the alarm going off in the middle of the call, so the school just sends him home, though the woman on the phone clearly disapproves. Gwyneth normally deals with this kind of thing, but she’s away at a conference out of state, so Owen’s left to pick up the slack.

Fortunately, the shift’s only 12 hours, so he’s back home by seven; still not ideal, but it’s the better circumstance. T.K.’s sat on the couch when he gets in, a bag of frozen peas defrosting on the table next to him.

Owen clears his throat and T.K. whips around, exposing a split lip and a developing black eye.

“You should see the other guy,” he says, but the joke falls flat, and he sighs, turning back around and hanging his head. Owen walks over and sits next to him, wincing at the way T.K. shifts away.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?” he asks, as gently as he can. Anger, he’s decided, will not help here.

T.K. shrugs. “I got in a fight. It’s no big deal.”

“No big -” Owen stops and lets out a breath, forcing himself to stay calm. “Alright, let’s try this again. Why were you fighting?”

“It was nothing.”

“T.K.”

“Nothing, I swear!”

“So you just hit him?” Owen lets a little anger into his voice, and it’s enough to get T.K.’s attention, his gaze sliding over briefly before snapping back to the floor.

“No,” he admits. “It’s just. He said some stuff. Called me a -” He stops abruptly, then shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

Owen raises his eyebrows. “So some kid called you a name, does that mean you should hit him?” he asks. “Come on, T.K., you’re fourteen, not four.”

It was the wrong thing to say, and Owen knows it as soon as the words leave his mouth. T.K. rounds on him, fury in his eyes, but it’s the tears that accompany it that surprise Owen.

“You really want to know?” T.K. demands, though he doesn’t give Owen a chance to answer. “He told me it was my fault you and Mom split up. Said that it’s no wonder neither of you are around considering I’m a -” He stops, stricken. “A f - The f-word,” he finishes quietly.

Owen frowns. “Fuck?” he says, though he doesn’t mean to. He winces, but it’s enough to get T.K. to crack a small smile, brief as it is.

“No, Dad,” he says, strangely gentle. “The other one.”

“The other… Oh.”

“Yeah.” T.K. chews on his lip, then turns to Owen, apparently making his mind up about something. “It’s true, Dad. I’m a - I’m gay.”

“Oh.” And Owen knows that’s not the right thing to say, but he can’t find the right words just now. He watches his son, sorrow filling him at the tears in T.K.’s eyes, at the apprehension on his face, the doubt. Owen hates himself for it.

“It’s okay, kiddo,” Owen says eventually. “I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

“Really?”

Owen smiles. “Yeah, really.”

And before he can get another word out, T.K.’s hugging him, so tight that Owen can’t breathe for a second. Once he’s got his breath back, he laughs, and brings his arms around T.K., only just then realising how much he had been missing this.

iii.

The call comes in the middle of the night, just as Owen is finally dozing off after a 24-hour shift. He’s awake and pulling on clothes before he’s even aware he’s moving, calling a cab as soon as the woman puts the phone down. All his instincts are screaming at him to get in the car and drive, but common sense tells him that he’d probably crash it, tired and anxious as he is, and that’s the last thing everyone needs.

The cab doesn’t pick him up for another fifteen minutes, New York traffic playing havoc even at this late hour, and Owen gets more jittery by the second. By the time he’s en route, his mind has gone through every potential scenario, each one worse than the last.

Fuck, how could he have missed this? Sure, he’d noticed that T.K. had become more withdrawn from him recently, and he’s aware that his son likes going out and partying more than is advisable, but he’d just chalked it up to being young.

And yet… The more Owen thinks about it, the more he realises the signs were all there, and he’d missed every single one of them. T.K. had almost died tonight, and it’s all Owen’s fault.

He’s never going to forgive himself for this.

The receptionist at the front desk points him to T.K.’s room, her kind smile doing nothing to calm Owen’s nerves. He races there, earning himself several reproachful looks from staff, but he can’t bring himself to care. He needs to see his son.

T.K.’s room is dark, but through the windows, Owen can make out his prone form in the bed. His heart leaps in fear, but then he sees the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the heart monitor beeping out a steady rhythm.

Owen breathes out shakily, taking a moment to compose himself before heading inside.

T.K.’s awake, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He doesn’t acknowledge Owen’s presence in the room, and Owen feels his heart break a little, noting how thin, how small his son looks in the hospital bed.

God, he’s really failed this time, hasn’t he?

But he drags his thoughts away from his own failures; T.K. is all that matters now. Owen eases himself into the chair next to the bed, debating whether or not to speak.

He decides against it eventually, instead just laying a hand on T.K.’s shoulder. T.K. looks over then, briefly, before returning his gaze to the ceiling. But he doesn’t brush Owen off, which he takes as his first victory.

Small steps, he tells himself. Small steps.

iv.

T.K. rarely gets sick; even as a kid, he’d tended to avoid all the coughs and colds that plagued his school friends. His system had taken a hit after the overdose, but recently he’s seemed to have regained most of his old immunity.

Which is why it’s even more concerning when he calls in sick one morning, sounding even over the phone like death warmed up. Owen has to just take it at the time, no time to check on him before his shift, but he’s over to T.K.’s apartment like a shot as soon as he’s done, the fact that it’s the early hours be damned.

T.K. takes a while to answer his knocks, and Owen’s considering breaking in when the door swings open.

“What the hell, Dad?” T.K. croaks, shuffling to the side to let Owen in. Owen doesn’t bother answering, instead surveying the mess strewn all around the place. T.K. doesn’t obsess over cleaning, but he’s generally fairly tidy, and never this messy; the table is buried in tissues, unwashed plates are stacked in the sink, and the laundry basket is overflowing. It makes Owen wonder how long T.K.’s been ill for without saying anything, but he chooses not to think about that too much.

But one look at his son confirms that he’s been feeling under the weather for a while - a few days, at the very least. He’s got tired bags under his eyes, and his face is pale and drawn. He’s hunched over, blankets wrapped around his thin shoulders, and he looks like he’s about to fall over any second.

It reminds Owen violently of the hell withdrawal had wreaked on T.K., on his body, though he’d been mercifully spared most of the fallout from that. T.K. had lasted it out in rehab and, whilst Owen had visited as much as he’d been able, he’d still had a job to hold down.

He wonders if he should feel guilty about being grateful for that.

He shakes the thought from his head and steers T.K. over to the couch, easing him down into it even as T.K. weakly swats at him. Owen glances around the room again and sighs.

“Okay,” he says, then sets to work, starting off with the rubbish on the coffee table.

“Dad, don’t -” T.K. starts, but Owen sends him a look.

“Shut up, T.K.,” he says, and T.K. does.

Owen cleans the entire apartment, guiding T.K. to bed as soon as he starts dropping off because falling asleep on the sofa is the last thing he needs. It’s late when he’s done; too late, he reasons, to go home now. His uniform’s with him in his bag and, besides, he knows he’ll sleep better here with T.K. in the next room.

Sure, T.K. will probably be pissed when he wakes up and finds him still here, but Owen thinks that that’s a price he’s willing to pay.

T.K.’s silent the entire way back from the hospital. So is Owen. There’s no point trying to force a conversation now; T.K. will talk when he’s ready.

They go back to Owen’s apartment, and T.K. heads straight to the roof. Owen is scared for a brief second, but then T.K. turns to look back at him, letting him know that he wanted Owen to follow.

T.K. barely looks at him as they talk, but it’s impossible to miss the shame and guilt in his expression. Owen tries to comfort his son as best he can, wishes he could tell him that everything’s okay, but he can’t. Nothing about this is okay.

He doesn’t know what to do. It’s all too much - Alex, the fact that Owen’s not sure it was as accidental as T.K. claim, his own cancer diagnosis. Even the New York air is stifling to him now.

Owen has lived in this city for pretty much his entire life. He loves it here. Everything he cares about is here. And yet.

Owen makes a split second decision.

“Pack your stuff,” he says. “We’re getting out of town.”

It’s the sort of thing Owen’s been dreading, ever since T.K. decided to follow him into firefighting. He’s always tried to shove the fear to the back of his mind, because their job is dangerous; getting hurt is an inevitability.

The job has put T.K. in the hospital before, but usually it’s just smoke inhalation, or some other simple, non-threatening injury. Nothing like this.

Owen’s trying to be optimistic; the doctors have told him there’s no reason not to be. T.K.’s young, healthy, and the surgery went as well as it could have done. But he also knows that T.K. almost died in that house, and there’s still a chance that Michelle just delayed it by a day or so.

He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to clear his mind. He succeeds, for a moment, but all the thoughts are back as soon as he opens them again, the sight of T.K. in that bed bringing too many memories back.

It’s the third time he’s almost lost his son, and the second in six months. He wonders morbidly if they’ve finally run out of chances, but he knows he shouldn’t think like that either.

This is different, though. Before, Owen was able to comfort T.K., to talk to him and hold him through the worst of it. He can’t do anything now except sit, and wait, and pray that T.K. will wake up.

Helpless is not something Owen Strand is accustomed to feeling. And yet, as it settles deep inside his bones, he wonders if it will ever go away again.

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namjoon-koya · 6 years ago

Text

Alone, part 2

Request: a lot of people asked me to make part 2 for alone! So here it is and it super late I know!

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Warning: slight torture, amnesia, fluff ending.

——————

-Your POV-

You groaned out in pain, your body was aching you had no idea why suddenly you remembered what happened; Rumlow! He was in the tower and-! You eyes fluttered opened you tried getting up but something was holding you down.

You looked around the room you were in, the walls were grimy, everything seemed rusted out; there were no windows you had no idea if it was night or morning you saw that an IV was inside your arm suddenly the cell door opened with a loud creak.

You looked up and saw Rumlow he was with a man you didn’t recognize “miss Y/L/N how are you feeling?”

“W-why am I here?” You scolded yourself for stuttering, but you were afraid you had no idea what they had done to you when you were passed out “Like Rumlow said little one.. we want to help you achieve your true potential.”

“Who.. are you?..”

“I am Dr. Pierce.” You remembered him, this man was the reason why Bucky had gone through hell you didn’t think as you lashed out at him the restraints holding you back, you felt the IV dig more into your skin you subsided the pain.

Pierce didn’t flinch or move he wasn’t threatened by you he only moved closer to you suddenly you felt a sharp sting in your cheek Pierce had slapped you across the face “I suggest you relax or else Y/N.”

You hung your head “what do you want?..” you quietly said “like I said we want to help you but if you won’t let us help you then we have no choice..” he motioned his head at Rumlow signaling him.

“W-What are you doing?!” You yelled out, you heard something coming down when you looked up it was a large machine “no!” You knew what the machine was for Bucky had previously told you about it from past nightmares you’d help him with.

You whimpered as the restraints had pulled you back father down, your chest was rising and falling quickly with each breath you took “mouth guard.” Pierce commanded to Rumlow.

Rumlow walked over to you shoving it inside your mouth, you felt yourself gag a bit as he pushed it too far down “ready.” he said as he looked at Pierce.

Pierce pushed a button the machine went down it tightly held your head in place, the machine was built to make sure no one could pry themselves away from it tears were already stinging your eyes “please..” you begged out desperately.

“You had your chance Y/N.” You screamed out as you felt static crack near your ear that was the last thing you remembered.

————

-avengers POV-

“Tony did you find Y/N’s location?” Steve asked as he leaned against the table everyone had been searching for you day and night often Tony and Natasha would switch as the other got rest.

“Almost! Trust me; me and Nat are very close..” Tony didn’t take his gaze off of the computer as his fingers tapped away quickly “how’s Barnes holding up?”

Even though Tony was still bitter towards Bucky he couldn’t help but feel bad for him, he knew that you and Bucky were close which made him very jumpy at first fearing Bucky would hurt you but once he saw that you were fine he was actually happy for the both of you.

“Not good.. he hasn’t slept in 2 days.. he thinks that’s this is all his fault..” Steve rubbed the back of his neck “well.. he cares for Y/N cap.”

After a long silence Tony jumped out of his chair making it fall backwards “we got her! Tell everyone to suit up!” Tony quickly ran off to get his armor.

Bucky stared at the ceiling wall as he laid in bed, he hated how quiet it was when you were here everything was so.. joyful he felt a small smile form on his lips as he remembered your laugh.

When Steve opened his door quickly he jolted up from his bed startled by the door hitting the wall, “Steve what the hell?!”

“No time to explain! We found Y/N.” Bucky didn’t ask questions as he jumped out and ran out of his room, Steve quickly following behind him.

-Your POV-

You body was aching when you woke up... you looked around your whole body was shaking as you wrapped your arms around yourself your teeth clattered together.

“H-hello?..” you said in a small whisper you gently put your feet on the cold concrete floor it was dark.. really REALLY dark but you saw a light shining throughout the door.

Before you could put your hand on the door handle it quickly opened you gasp as you quickly jumped back.

A man came into your view “Hello..” you mumbled “where am I?”

“Miss I am Dr.Pierce and you are in my.. “hospital.” You cocked your head to the side “hospital? Did something happen?”

He came over and gently put his hand on your shoulder “you were unconscious I found you.” You slowly nodded but something was telling you it was a lie but it couldn’t be you couldn’t recall past memories.

“O-oh.. well I-“ Suddenly someone came busting through the door his face was burnt on one side which made you cringe a bit at the sight “sir! The avengers they’re here!” He yelled out.

The man next to you cursed “please stay here for a moment.” Before you could object he had closed the door you heard the locks click “avengers.. why does that?.. ugh..” you grip your head as you felt your head throb in pain.

Avengers? Why did they sound so familiar? You wanted to get out of this room it was creepy, cold and dirty you walked up to the door placing your hand on the handle as you turned it.

Locked you were right why would they keep you in here? This wasn’t a hospital and you knew it wasn’t by the way it looked you banged on the door “Hello!? Please open the door!”

Suddenly you heard a loud booming sound you cowered back into the corner covering your ears with your hands your body trembled you desperately wanted to go home.. whoever home was.

Suddenly you heard the locks un-click you stood up alarmed was it Dr.Pierce who was coming back?

The door opened as the light poured in you saw a man standing there you could tell he was breathing heavily with each breath he took, he had a bit of long hair and his arm it was metal.

“Y/N?! Are you alright?!” He quickly ran to your side examining your body you felt your cheeks redden “um.. who are you?” He seemed taken aback from your question “i-it’s me! Bucky..”

You shook your head “I.. don’t know you I’m sorry.” He lowered his head a bit “it’s okay.. c’mon.” He gently picked you up in his arms he felt so warm his body warmed you from the coldness inside the cell it felt somewhat welcoming.

He walked out of the cell holding you close to his chest, “cover your eyes.” You didn’t question why you just did it after a while you felt a warm sensation hit your skin.

When you opened your eyes it was morning outside, you looked up at Bucky who was carrying you-you could see his face more clearly.

You couldn’t help but think about how handsome he looked.. he looked down at you and smiled you quickly turned your gaze away “You alright doll?”

Doll.. that name sounded so familiar but why? You looked up at him suddenly you felt your mind remember something the past few days you remembered who you were.

You were Y/N Y/L/N you had joined the avengers because of the powers you had and fury saw something in you; you met the avengers Tony, Nat, Thor, Loki, Steve, Bruce, Clint and the most important person to you.

“Bucky..” you hiccuped out how could you forget about him? The man who meant the most to you? He looked down at you “You?..” you nodded “I remember.” You said as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

He squeezed you tightly “Y/N.. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you..”

“Bucky it isn’t your fault.. don’t feel bad.” You gently kissed his cheek.

Tony chuckled next to Steve as the watched from the quinjet “it’s about time.” Nat landed the quinjet “c’mon you two! Y/N needs to go to the doctor.” Steve called out.

Once you got on the quinjet Bucky sat you down next to him he held your hand in his, he didn’t let go for the rest of the ride back to the tower you were happy he didn’t.

-End-

133 notes · View notes

lanaarwenlazar · 6 years ago

Text

in honor of villain releasing and me starting it later today, here is a special insight into my brain in the form of the notes i made on my phone as i was reading monster last year, completely unedited (so with all my spelling mistakes and freakouts)

there are spoilers for monster, obviously

(keep in mind that i was very emotional about being back in the gone-universe, so don’t judge me lmao)

i ship malik and shade already. can’t habdle them they’re too cute

oh my god shade is basically a true crime fan, thanks i hate it

“WHATEVER MALIK DID IT GENERALLT SOMEHOW WORK” MY LOVE

...it will be interesting to see what people have to say about mg writing his first trans character

transphobic violence already, i think someone will have a problem with this chapter being called “the meet cute”

where

dekka

WHAT THE FUCK SHADE WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOURE INSANE

I WAS RIGHT BY THE WAY THE MOVIE SUCKED AND WAS A BAD IDEA AND I HOPE ASTRID AND SAM ARE SUFFERING AND HAVE NO FRIENDS

nooo dekka sweetie :(((

oh my god a dekka chapter what if we get updates on everyone i’m not ready

dekka is broke no :(((

but she drives a motorcycle i’m so in love

dekka has a cat. marry me

“Of those three hundred thirty-two kids, fifty-one developed one supernatural power or another. Only nineteen of you developed major powers and survived. And of these nineteen, seven have since developed serious psychological disorders” NO MY KIDS IM CRYING

“Lana Lazar spent time in a mental health facility” eeelp

“I know, she’s a friend of mine. She’s fine now.” THEY ARE FRIEND.jzoddbfb

“Others’ like Sam Temple, the supposed hero of the fayz, have had-”

HAVE HAD WHA TOM??!!!?!

“’Supposed hero?’ Screw you. You don’t disrespect Sam Temple where I can here it.” I’m 😭😭😭😭😭😭

sam was in rehab has an alcoholic kill me

and he’s on the wagon sober for sixteen months ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

DEKKA REMEMBERINH BRIANNA KILL ME

Hey, Sam’s sober and Astird got her head screwed on straight so leave them out of this - dekka out there defending her people

MG in the online: edilio is the true hero of the fayz MG in the books: sam is the true hero of the fayz me: so what is the truth?

oh my god that just means edilio is still underappreciated

DEKKA WANTS SAM AND ASTRID TO GO TO COLLEGE WORK AND ONE DAY HAVE A BABY GIRL NAMED DEKKA WHAT THE FUCK SHOOT ME

Me @ me: mg loves edilio. he will be in here. mg loves edilio. he will be in here. mg loves edilio. he will be in here. mg loves edilio. he will be-

Four year old Sean is here to cause trouble

Cruz singing my love ❤️❤️

We’ve literally just met him and Justin DeVeere already sounds like a potential school shooter

also how dare mg give him the same name as justin roger’s little brother

He’s so disgusting yikes

I don’t understand what just happened and what erin and justin are up to but WHY do i feel like they just had sex so they could have a gaia-like baby

is justin turning into the hulk or orc

Justins arm is turning into a sword

Is justin turning into drake...

Or orc/britney? Orc/britney/justin?

If Aristotle Arno Adamo is anything like Ari from Aaddtsotu i already love him

oh he’s not

Armo is the Quinn of Monster pass it on

Will Quinn be mentioned in this book?

“Armo was not part of any clique, because there was one, only one Armo at Malibu High School” oh my god he’s awful i love him

“I want to take Danish. My family is danish” bitch mine too

“You understand that everyone in Denmark speaks english right? Usually better than most Americans?” drag america i love t

god i love him

armo just survived a serious accident and he’s crying because he wreacked his car whaya guy

what are they doing to armo :(((

SHADE WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

noo poor cruz

whyy would mg introduce malik tenerife, the biggest sweetheart and shade’s closest friend and make me fall in love with him, and then in the SAME CHAPTER introduce cruz, a new best friend for shade and then just never mention malik again???? i love cruz but i miss malik

where is knightmare

“I REREAD THE ELLISON BOOK” ASTRID WROTE A BOOK

yikes a milady dude and homophobia all in one page!!

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS BOOK JUST TRANSFORMING INTO BOOKS

oh shit i just understood why mg says this is part animorphs

Malik’s back my boy

DEKKAS CAT IS NAMED EDITH WINDSOR I JUST----

DEKKA TOOK THE FRAMED PICTURE OF BRIANNA WITH HER OH MY GODDD

“Only now did Dekka see that those last four years had been a dream, unreal, somehow. The FAYZ was real.” dekka bby no :(((

oh my goooood taylor is back bitches i just got chills

SHE GRABBED THE CELEBRITY GOSSIP MAGAZINES OF COURSE SHE DID I LOVE HER

dekka be nice to taylor she’s had a hard life she deserves to know the goss :))

when they’re only talking baout the kids with power... when will edilio come in

aaaand there is drake ugh. “a violent, sadistic psychopath. A rapist. A torturer. A murderer”

EDILIO WAS THERE TOO THERE TOO THE FUCK

DID MG FORGET EDILIO ECISTS

BRIANNA DEKKA SAM ASTRID TAYLOR DRAKE LANA HUNTER ORC HAVE ALL BEN MENTIONED

WHERE IS EDILIO AND LANA

Drake responsible for 18 instances of rape mutilation and murder in the last year y i k e s

Justin has a lobster claw for one hand and a sword for the other o k a y

oh my god shade could kill tr*mp

“There are three types of superheroes, Shade: Hero, Villain and Monster” *looks into the camera like i’m on the office*

CAINE AND PENNY GOT THEIR MENTIONS

NOW GIVE ME EDILIO

Malik is still in love with shade rip me

oh no cruz bby you’re invisible :((

i feel like this series will be more hard sci-fi with aliens and government and powers than gone was, gone was more of a sci-fi/dystopian/lord of the flies/survival-mix

i’m worried about armo :((

me: had never read an animorphs book in my life also me: wow this reminds me so much of animorphs!

HES A POLAR BEAR NOW

THEY’RE LITERALLY SAYING THE WORD MORPHING

should be interesting to see what kind of shit mg will get for this y i k e s

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK IS HAPØENING THE SEAN WAS HE TURNING INTO A CATERPILLAR WITH NO MOUTH WHAT THE FUCK HE IS FOUR YEARS OLD

OH THERES HIS MOUTH WHAT THE FUCK

fuuuuck i knew he would be knightmare

at least knightmare really is the name of a shitty pretentious art student dude

a group of girl scouts just fell to their deaths off the golden gate bridge

WHO ARE THE DARK WATCHERS

i actually think they’re aliens

pls get over brianna dekka

at least mg is realizing that brekka was kind of weird

why is dekka watching danish sex. what does that even mean.

this book is unrealistic bc it’s page number 208 and dekka still hasn’t thought about edilio. who goes that long without thinking about edilio.

oh no dekka is morphing with some animal too

DEKKA HAS MEDUSA HAIR WHAT THE FUCK

the cat died WHAT THE FUCK

“Motorcycle gangs and white supremacists and registered sex offenders, that’s who dominated Perdido Beach today” yikes

Dekka mentioned the word gaiaphage and i had a physical disgusted reaction, but not because of the actual gaiaphage, but bc of that fucking website. god i lvoe that gaiaphage.com is dead.

why has mg created a worldwide perdido beach situation but just given is three books to fix it

“I was Sam’s soldier” NO??? You wrre edilio’s soldier the fuck

EVERY TIME I SEE EDITH MY HEART SKIPS BECAUSE IT STARTS WITH EDI AND I THINK ITS FINALLY GOING TO BE EDILIO

Armo and Dekka is my new brotp

WHO THE FUCK IS JEHOVA

LESS VILLAIN POVS MICHAEL PLEASE

“Hey. You. Should. Um.... Stop. Being. An. Asshole.” SHADE

Combining the villains into one villain. Very schmart michael 👌🏻

PAGE 308 EDILIO MENTION OH MY GOD

Edilio on page 309 kill me cant even quote it

GRAVES STILL THERE

IN RESPECTFUL MEMORY TO BOTH THE WISE AND THE FOOLISH WHO STRUGGLED TO SURVIVE UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS IN THIS PLACE im 😭😭

ALBERT GOT HIS DUES YEAH

BUT HOW IS EDILIO TODAY

WHERE IS DINAA LOSER

GRAVE FOR MARY 😭

GRAVE FOR DUCK 😭

GRAVE FOR HUNTER 😭

GRAVE FOR ORC 😭

Grave for Caine 😐 “Caine Soren. “King of the FAYZ. Blaze of Glory”

FIRST DIANA MENTION AND ITS HOW MUU CAINE LOVED HER IM

BRIANNA HAS A LAST NAME SOS. “Brianna Berenson. “The Breeze”. None More Bold.”

DIANA IS HERE I REPEAT DIANA IS HERE IN THE FLESH AND STILL BEAUTIFUL

DIANA PUTS FLOWERS ON THE GRAVES ONCE A WEEK OH MY HOD YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT I MEAN YOU DID GIVE BIRTH TO GAIA AND EAT PANDA BUT STILL

DIANA HAS A JOB AS A BARISTA HER OWN PLACE IS SEVEN MONTHS SOBER AND HAVENT TRIED TO KILL HERSELF LATELY

WAS HER AND SAM DRINKING BUDDIES

THEY SERVE A SAM TEMPLE CUCKTAIL AND A LANA VODKA

“I GUESS THEIRONY THAT FAYZERS HAVE A TENDENCY TO DRINK TOO MUCH IS LOST ON THEM” TELL THEM DEKKA

“YOU WERE GOOD TO KEEP SAM AND STRID OUT OF IT” NO TELL THEM LOSERS

DOES DIANA LIVE IN PERDIDO BEACH :((((

“THIS IS THE MOST INTIMATE IVE EVER BEEN WITH A DUDE” SAME

When Roger still hasn’t been mentioned and you know he wasn’t really that important so you can’t really complained but you miss him

and how is edilio really dekka hmmm???

Eww this Drake Brittany thing is worse if possible

wait wait wait what hoe did they get there what

if i finish monster and still don’t know how edilio is doing i’ll sue

the villain...breathes fire. he’s a dragon

Shade looks like a the bizzare cross between a flea, a Power Ranger and a teenaged girl w h a t

Vincent Vu: part fish!

noooo not malik :(((

one half of me: where the fck is edilio go talk to him dekka other half of me: edilio deserves a peaceful life thank i for keeping him away from it all

OKAY BUT WOULD EDILIO AND SAM AND EVERYONE SEE DEKKA ON THE FBI MOST WANTED LIST AND HEAR ABOUT EVERYTHING GOING ON AND SAY YIKES NOT OUR PROBLEM??? No tf they would help her!!!!

DEKKA IS WITH SAM DEKKA IS WITH SAM I REPEAT DEKKA IS WITH SAM AND HE IS HER STRONG RIGHT ARM SHOOT ME LET ME DIE

im emo

the end

missing: quinn and roger

#gone series #just a warning this is a really long list of notes siukfdsasdkf #hightlighst include: this book is unrealistic nobody goes this long without thinking about edilio #Shade looks like a bizzare cross between a flea a power ranger and a teenaged girl #and ''why is dekka watching danish sex. what does that even mean''#i recommend this for gone-fans who doesn't want to read monster but wants to know what it's all about #and for people who have read monster and need a dumb refreshed before villain

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highqualitydolans · 7 years ago

Text

Cannibal {03}

Part Three

Read Part Two

Word Count: 4,300+ Warnings: Mature content and language (14+). Graphic content.

Tiny trickles of sunlight are settling upon camp as dawn approaches. Blaine is still in bed, thankfully having never gotten up again last night after Ethan and the other Scabs showed up. Trevor said he would clean up and go to Blaine’s cabin, allowing us enough time to stitch up the Scabs and send them on their way, although I’m not sure how that’s going to go.

I’m still at the pool, watching the orange glow rise above the waters. That’s what’s nice about this camp, you can see the sunrise clearly from any place. Mine and Alexis’s cabin is the best, and she’s probably sitting on the porch right now, Gone With the Wind in her hand, basking in the morning sunlight with a small smile. She reminds me a lot of Ponyboy Curtis, only female and less socially awkward.

Once I decide I’ve spent enough time with my toes submerged in the water, I stand up, grabbing my shoes, and head towards the front gate. Liza and Gabbie are both there this morning, and so is Grayson, to my disdain.

“Are you trying to get kicked out?” I ask when he looks at me. He doesn’t say anything in response, just looks at Liza as if he’s not sure what to say. He probably isn’t.

“I told Trevor to signal us when Blaine’s up. None of the camp will be awake for hours, anyways, so I figured why not put him to use?” Liza says.

“What about the other two?”

“Ethan lost a lot of blood. He’s still in the infirmary,” Liza answers, looking at Grayson.

“And Aaron’s still unconscious, too,” he tells me. At least short and lanky has a name now.

“What about you?” I ask, eyeing him. He doesn’t look too battered, and I’m wondering if that’s because he’s good at avoiding getting hurt or maybe the Traitors chose not to hurt him in particular. If the latter is true, he can’t be trusted.

He doesn’t answer, just turns around and lifts his shirt. His back is covered in bandages, including one that’s wrapped completely around his torso. There’s splotches of blood on each bandage.

“Burns and cuts,” he says, answering my unasked question. “Traitor tossed me into a burn pit. I’ll manage though.” He lowers his shirt back down. “Ethan got the brunt of it.”

“How is he?” I hear myself asking. Nothing prompted the question, I’m not even sure why I care. The words just came out, I didn’t even think about them. Can’t take them back now. Luckily, Grayson doesn’t seem fazed by the question.

“I was in the infirmary a half hour ago to change my bandages. He was sleeping when I was in there,” he answers with a shrug.

“Blaine alert,” Gabbie warns calmly. Grayson nods at her, then looks at me again before stalking off to David’s cabin, like he’s already done this before. And maybe he has.

“David will stay at my cabin until we find a permanent place for them,” Liza says quietly.

“Permanent?” I ask her.

“Y/N-”

“Jesus, you look like shit,” Blaine’s voice says, a few feet away. He’s talking to me.

“Good morning to you, too.”

“You look like you got seven minutes of sleep. You alright?” he asks, eyeing me closely. Ha, seven minutes off. Try zero.

“Just don’t feel well,” I say with a shrug.

“Why don’t you go to the infirmary, rest up a bit, yeah?” he tells me with a pat on the shoulder. “You better?” he asks Liza.

“Turns out I just started my period,” she answers with a shrug.

Blaine grimaces at the mention of her lady bits leaking blood and turns to me, sternly pointing in the direction of the infirmary.

I restrain from rolling my eyes and pad my bare feet toward the building, sneaking a glance at David’s cabin, wondering if Grayson was actually okay to hide out in there. Any of them, for that matter. The safest cabin they’d be in would be mine and Alexis’s considering it’s on the edge of the camp and Blaine only ever goes as far as Trevor’s cabin. It would make sense to let them sleep there.

Jesus, who am I kidding, not five hours ago, I wanted to kill these guys. Why am I so lenient about them all of a sudden?

I walk up the steps of the infirmary and open the door to reveal Bre, our best nurse and only solace, looking through some papers.

“Hey,” I say, snapping her out of her focused state.

“Hey, Y/N. Need something?” she says, looking back down at her papers.

“How are they?” I ask, cutting to the chase.

“Aaron should wake up at any moment and Ethan lost too much blood. Trying to find someone compatible,” she answers without hesitation, motioning to the papers. She’s always been able to remain calm in drastic situations. That’s what makes her a great nurse. “Bleeding is stopped for now, but we wait to long, he won’t ever wake up.”

“What’s his type?”

“O negative. He can only receive from another O negative and most everyone here is A positive.”

I sigh, knowing I might hate myself for what I’m about to say.

“I’m O negative,” I tell her quietly.

She nods her head as she holds up a piece of paper, mine I’m assuming. “Yes you are.” She looks at me pointedly.

“How much does he need?” I ask, setting down my shoes and walking towards her. She pats on a chair for me to sit on before heading to a cabinet and pulling out gloves, a needle, a tourniquet, and IV bag, and rubbing alcohol.

“I think a pint should do it. If he needs more later on, you can replenish and donate again.” She puts her supplies on the table next to us.

I watch her apply the tourniquet to my arm, examining my veins for the best one to stick.

“What happened to Aaron?” I ask as she cleanses my arm with the alcohol.

“He was hit over the head pretty hard. Definitely has a concussion and his wrist is broken beyond repair.” Bre prepares the needle and attaches it to the empty IV bag, placing it on the ground. “When he wakes up, he will most likely have forgotten what happened.”

I flinch slightly when she sticks me, but once it’s in and the blood is running through the rubber tube, I’m okay.

“Ethan?”

“Had to remove a bullet from his arm,” she starts, shaking her head and adjusting her glasses. “I didn’t have all the proper equipment or sedatives, so the brave boy let me remove it while he was conscious. But once it was out and I was about to stitch him up, he went out cold. Crazy kid. He’ll be alright, though, when he gets some more blood back in him.”

I nod, trying to listen, but as I watch my blood flow out of me, I can feel my head become lighter.

“Don’t you go passing out on me. Just a little bit more,” Bre says, patting my cheek gently. I probably should have told her I haven’t eaten since dinner last night and I didn’t sleep at all since yesterday morning.

A minute or so later, she takes the needle out of my arm, bandaging it up. I’m about to stand before she slumps me back down into the chair.

“Sit. You need to replenish,” she says, walking to a cupboard and taking out an expired bag of cheez-its. Then she saunters to the fridge and pulls out a grape gatorade. Not my favorite flavor, but it’s not exactly something I have the strength to argue about.

I gingerly eat the cheez-its as I watch her move around the room. She’s swift and cool and focused at all times. I always am tempted to ask her to join Trevor and I on runs, see what she’s made of outside the camp, but Blaine never allows it.

Bre opens the door on the far corner of the room, stepping through it with my blood in her hand. I feel useless sitting here, but my head is light and my toes are numb. If I try to stand, I’ll probably just fall over, even more useless.

Luckily, I’m not alone for long since the front door I came in through a few minutes ago opens. But as soon as I realize who it is, my relief washes away. Blaine cuts the room, his eyes darting all over the place, in search of something. My body instantly heats up with nervousness and I’m worried he already knows about the two unconscious boys in the rooms beyond us.

“Feeling better yet?” he asks, continuing his search. He doesn’t look at me, thank god. He begins rifling through Bre’s papers, not bothering to glance over the contents.

I open my mouth to respond, but my throat hitches. What is he looking for?

As if he can read my mind, he responds to my unspoken question. “Where the hell did I put that key?”

“Key?” I ask suddenly. He doesn’t seem to know about Ethan and Aaron.

“The key to the beemer isn’t with the rest at the gate. I know I brought it in here a few nights ago. I must’ve dropped it.”

He continues to look under papers and folders, moving them to the side, creating a mess in his wake. He’s slowly making his way to the door in the corner, where Ethan and Aaron are behind. Shit.

“Did you check your cabin?” I ask, trying to steer him away.

“That’s the first place I checked,” he responds, as if that was obvious. He finally looks at me, eyeing my arm and the cheez-its and gatorade. “Bre stick you?”

“Yeah, just a vitals check,” I say quickly, the lie gliding off my tongue.

He nods, pretending to know exactly what that means before turning back to the door, reaching for the knob. Before I have a chance to scream out, the door opens, Bre yelping in surprise at the sight of Blaine.

“Oh!” She’s quick to come through, closing the door shut behind her. “D-do you need something?”

I internally cringe at her obviousness. Usually she is so calm, but when there are two - potential - fugitives behind the door that she just so happens to be saving, she buckles a bit, nervousness taking her over.

“I think I left the beemer key in here the other night and I-”

“Yes,” she says quickly, shaking hands rummaging through her pocket. “I saw it on the floor and picked it up and I put it in my pocket so I wouldn’t lose it or forget where it was, because you know how I can get sometimes-”

Her words are hurried and her sentence runs on, just making her fumbling more obvious. I can only hope Blaine doesn’t catch on.

“-just such a clumsy mess, you know.” She produces a key from her lab coat pocket, shoving it to Blaine before turning him around and pushing him towards the door. “Y/N might have an infection, You don’t want to be in here to catch it, sir. Be on your way now.” Blaine turns to say something, but she slams the door in his face, leaning against it and panting. “That was close.”

I run a hand over my face, rolling my eyes. “You’re nuts.”

“He’s the only thing I’m afraid of in this world,” she admits aloud before walking back over to me.

“I don’t get why. Blaine is the most harmless person I know,” I tell her, uncapping my gatorade and taking a swig.

“It’s his eyes. It’s what he’s seen, what he’s been through. When he looks at me, I feel like he’s looking straight through me,” Bre says with the shake of her head. With a sigh, she plops down on her seat at the only desk in the room. “He’s seen more heartbreak than anyone in this world. I can’t imagine the kind of pain and anger he’s holding back, and I’m just scared for the day it all comes pouring out. His eyes are scarier than any flesh eating cannibal I ever may come across.” She busies herself, moving her hands to restack the papers Blaine threw around moments ago.

I know enough about Blaine to know that he has a kind heart and a good soul. I’ve heard the rumors, every tale of how his family died, including a husband, a sister, and son. I don’t know what of it is true, I’ve never seen pictures of a child in the arms of Blaine and I’ve never seen pictures of gray feminine irises, ones to match Blaine’s. If he had a sister, a husband, a son at any point in his life, I don’t know. He’s a reserved man, not for the sake of himself, but for others. I’ve seen him worried about Trevor, about Gabbie and Liza, and even myself. Bre’s right in the fact that he has a lot of rage built behind his walls, and I can’t imagine what it would be like if he spilled all his secrets. He’d probably throw a tantrum, breaking everything in his path. One time David got really hurt on a run, he was knocked out for days. Liza cried, but Blaine? He punched three holes in his cabin wall, breaking his knuckle. He was furious, at David for getting hurt and at himself for letting it happen.

Suddenly, a cannibal chasing me to my grave seems a lot less scary than Blaine. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look into his eyes again.

A bell rings and Bre jolts up, heading to the door that conceals the Scabs once again. Aaron must be up. Maybe Ethan, but considering the amount of blood was just taken to him, I highly doubt it.

Restless, I stand from my chair, my legs thankfully not failing me. I make my way to Bre’s desk and look at my paper, the one that matches that of all the occupants of Lakewood. It lists all our defining factors - things like our birth date, weight upon arrival, allergies, blood type, appearance. That sort of stuff. We come to Bre for physicals every month, so Alexis and I have only visited twice since we got here.

My paper says everything I expect it to, listing my changing weight (I’m slowly losing weight - probably due to my workout routine and inevitable canned food diet), my birthday, my hair color. It’s weird to see myself written down on a piece of paper.

Right below mine is Ethan’s. Birth date: December 16, 1999. No Known Allergies. Blood Type O Negative. Black hair. Hazel eyes.

His eyes.

I remember them pretty vividly from the sanctuary. They were testing, dark, and for a moment, sympathetic.

They were beautiful.

I sigh, shaking my thoughts and look over the other two papers, reading about Grayson and Aaron before Bre steps back into the room.

“He is absolutely nuts,” she mutters to herself. I look at her with an amused smile. “He wants to go back to his sanctuary. Keeps mumbling about important discoveries and research. He must’ve really hit his head, crazy kid.”

“Maybe we should take them back,” I say with a shrug, continuing to read about Aaron’s appearance. “If that’s what they want.” If they want to go back, by all means. We can’t risk keeping them here anyways.

“He just wants his things, he doesn’t want to go back. That’s personal information, Y/N,” Bre tells me, reaching for the papers in my hand. I decide not to protest and hand them back to her without a second thought.

“I was just curious who we’re up against.”

“Hun, we aren’t up against them.” She sighs and begins to file away papers, cleaning up the mess she and Blaine had made.

“So you trust them? Bre, they held us captive. He swung an axe at Liza’s head. They took Alexis hostage.”

“They’ve completely surrendered to us, Y/N.”

This makes me stop. Why would they raise the white flag when they had the upper hand?

“The Traitors are who we’re up against,” she continues. “And having those three here will help us. They know the Traitors personally, they know them, Y/N. That’s who we have to worry about.”

She has a point. If the real threat is the Traitors, a group of guys we know nothing about, then we’re done for. Sure, we have a few weapons, we probably have more than enough people. But we’re not trained to fight, not against humans, anyways. And with three guys who knows how the Traitors’ brains work, then maybe we would have a chance.

But something is still nagging at me.

“Why did only the three of them come back?” I ask. “Why weren’t there more? If the Scabs were bombarded like they were, wouldn’t there be more of them here right now?”

“You think Ethan is protecting some Traitors,” she replies, nodding her head, still focusing on cleaning up the messy room.

“Think about it, Bre, there were at least fifteen of them when we were there. The only way it makes sense that only three of them made it out is if-”

“The rest of them were killed.”

The male voice startles me. Bre looks up from her work with a slight scowl.

“You will be dead, too, if you don’t stay in bed,” she says to Ethan, trotting over to him. She gently helps him to the seat I was in when she was taking my blood.

“Blaine is gone. All clear,” Gabbie’s voice came in through static from the talkie on Bre’s desk.

“I hate feeling useless. I couldn’t just hang out in there,” he says through pants. “Plus Aaron’s giving me a headache.”

“I’ll give you something for that, but you need to rest. I just replenished your blood,” Bre replies, making sure his bandages are all secure, then gapes at his arm. “Did you take out the IV drip yourself? God, you Scabs are giving me a headache, too,” she breathes, heading through the door he came from.

I don’t say anything, just stare at my twiddling thumbs. I don’t trust him. I can’t.

The only sound in the room is Ethan’s long, panting breaths. I can feel his eyes on me, so I don’t dare look at him.

“That your gatorade?” he asks. I don’t respond, just tilt my head a bit. “Mind if I have some? Kind of just about died from blood loss, so…”

Restraining from rolling my eyes, I snatch up bottle and hand it to him. I finally meet his eyes, but they’re looking at my bandaged arm. Reflexively, I cover it up.

He takes four large gulps of the purple liquid, downing the rest of it in seconds. Once he finishes, he caps the bottle. “You donated to me?” he asks, jutting his chin towards my arm.

“I was the only match,” I respond with a shrug.

“Thank you.”

We fall silent again, the tension in the room thick enough to slice through. Once again, I feel his eyes on me, and I instinctively shrink under his stare. He breathes a single chuckle, noticing.

“Alexis saved us, you know.”

I look up at him again, this time, his hazel eyes - stunning as I remember - meet mine. My head starts to feel light again, but I can tell it’s not from blood loss this time.

“We saved her, she saved us in return,” he says. “We knew she didn’t trust us. But she was sparing our lives. That’s why we surrendered.”

I continue my silence. If I had something to say to him, I would. But nothing is coming to mind, so I keep my mouth shut.

“They’re all dead. All of them,” he mutters. His eyes are glossy, and I can tell he’s hurt. “The Traitors are out there. They might not know the three of us are alive, but they know you were all there last night.”

“What?”

Bre chooses now to barge back in, a full first aid kit - more like briefcase - in her hand. “You don’t want to be trapped in here, fine, but we can’t take you off the IV yet. You continue to be stubborn, though, and I’m going to have to constrain you. Y/N, grab a pen and paper. I’m going to teach you how insert and IV drip.”

An hour later, Ethan is hooked up to an IV in David’s cabin and I’m sitting on my own front porch, mindlessly looking over the notes I took to take care of him. Bre would do it herself, but Blaine would definitely get suspicious if he knew she was going back and forth from the lab to David’s cabin while David wasn’t even there or hurt for that matter.

My eyes dart over the notes, but I’m not actually reading them. My mind is reeling about the Traitors and what Ethan said. He thinks Lakewood is their next move.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” he had said as I inserted the IV. “But I’m sure they’re watching.”

“They’re watch long enough to learn any of your routines,” Grayson pointed out. “As soon as they’re sure they can do it, they’ll take over.”

“We have to stay one step ahead of them,” Ethan replied with a nod.

“Bre said that Aaron was freaking out about his stuff back at your sanctuary,” I said, “something about research and discovering?”

Grayson looked at Ethan, his eyebrow twitching. “We might go back and see what we can scavenge.”

“Jack knew about that shit, too, Gray. There’s no telling what he already stole,” Ethan responded.

“Discoveries about a cure,” I said to them. I remember seeing the word scribbled across the paperwork in the cabin I had been in before Ethan took me.

The cabin he’d been watching me in.

“Discoveries might not be the right word. He was still in the research process.”

“But he was finding a cure?” I asked.

“Trying to,” Ethan replied. “Trying the key word here. But he’s been unsuccessful too many times.”

An image of jar with a greenish hand inside of it popped into my mind, a label reading ‘025H’ on it. “Twenty five times to be exact,” I said.

“He wasn’t done with that test,” Grayson quickly spoke.

“Grayson’s right,” I told Ethan, surprising even myself. “We should go back and see if there’s anything left of Aaron’s research. If he thinks he can find a cure then we should-”

“No,” Ethan all but shouted, making Grayson and I both jump. “It is way too risky. The Traitors could be watching the perimeter of this camp as we speak and as long as I am confined in this cabin, neither you or Aaron are leaving the gate,” he said sternly to Grayson. Then his eyes trailed to me. “And I would prefer if you didn’t either.”

That conversation seems ages away even though it happened less than an hour ago. The Traitors probably watch Blaine leave this morning if Ethan is right.

“Did you ever eat breakfast?” Alexis says, coming up behind me. I remember the stale cheez its and gross gatorade.

“Yes,” I tell her, convincing myself it was technically the truth. “I hope you did.”

“Of course I did. I eat seven meals a day, you know this,” she jokes, sitting down next to me. Her eyes scan over the notes in my hands. “I think David’s cabin is a bit too close to the front gate to keep them there.”

“Well Trevor’s is too close to Blaine’s and Andrew’s and Emmett’s cabin is too close to the kid’s quarters. That leaves David’s or Gabbie’s and I don’t think she’s okay rooming with a couple strangers.”

“Ours,” she says, looking at me expectantly.

I narrow my eyes at her. “No.”

“We can move in with Gabbie,” she continues, tilting her head. I just look at her for a couple moments, wanting to shake my head.

“I’m not giving up this cabin.” Yes, I’m being stubborn, but sometimes, a girl has got to be selfish. This cabin has a beautiful view of the lake and it’s the only thing that reminds me that despite how fucked up this world is, there is still some beauty in it. I can’t let that go.

“You don’t have to. Gabbie and I can move into David's cabin, Grayson and Aaron can move into Gabbie’s and then Ethan-”

“Absolutely not.” Is she actually crazy? “I am not bunking with Ethan.”

She presses her lips together, fighting a smile. “Gabbie, Grayson and I already discussed all this. He said Ethan would most likely want to room with you.”

I fight the urge to gag and stand up, frustration taking over. “Why? So he can constantly drive me nuts? No way.”

“Drive you what?” she asks, looking up at me with a grin.

“Don’t.”

“You only say ‘drive you nuts’ about the people you like. If you didn’t like him, you would have said ‘crazy’ or ‘insane’,” she points out, standing up to face me. “So what is it? His biceps? His eyes?” Her eyebrows raised themselves suggestively. “His incredibly chiseled jawline?”

“How about none of the above?”

“Y/N, it’s going to be okay, now you can hump each other in the privacy of your own cabin!”

“I am not bunking with Ethan,” I say sternly, ignoring her derogatory remark.

Her smile was mischievous, the only smile I’ve grown weary of when Alexis wears it. “It’s a bit too late for that.” Then she’s looking behind me.

I turn, seeing exactly what I was hoping I wouldn’t. Grayson and Ethan are walking towards us, led by Gabbie, Ethan’s arms around their shoulders to be held upright. Grayson has the first aid kit in his other hand and Andrew is walking behind them carrying the IV equipment and with a snarl on his face. At least someone is as displeased as I am to be helping them out.

Ethan smirks as they approach. “Hey roomie.”

Writing Masterlist Cannibal Masterlist

#cannibal by ashley #ethan dolan #ethan dolan fanfic #ethan dolan fanfiction #ethan dolan au #dolan twins #dolan twins imagine #dolan twins fanfiction #dolan twins fanfic #the dolan twins #ethan dolan x reader #ethan dolan x you #grayson dolan #grayson dolan fanfic #grayson dolan au #grayson dolan x reader

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skaian-fiddler · 7 years ago

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State of the Webcomic

Im not sure what I wanted this to be when I started writing it. I know that as of late, Homestuck, in terms of its fanbase and its surrounding politics, has been pretty bleak. And I know that it feels like there arent alot of us left that care anymore. So I guess this is going to be something of a chronicle of the comic, and its involvement in my own experience. If youre just here for classpecting memes, feel free to totally disregard this. Otherwise… strap the fuck in I guess? Theres a nonzero amount of words about to come at you. For this 4/13, this is my account of Homestuck.

On April 13th, 2009, some guy with a shitty url published the first page of an indie webcomic. As I have come to understand, this fact would eventually become something of a ‘big deal’. At the time, however, it was not. I wouldnt be aware of its existence for quite some time.

Some years passed, and people started learning that this weird thing existed. The webcomic had survived through its fledgeling stages, and had managed to gain enough momentum and a fanbase large enough to keep above the surface and on peoples radar. At this stage, the only thing I knew about the webcomic was a single word, whispered in hushed tones: “Homestuck.” A few more years passed and the fandom began to grow steadily in proportion to a roster of increasingly convoluted characters, as well as the hair-brained complexity of the comics plot.

And then, Cascade.

I heard rumor of a webcomic that went off so huge that it fucking broke Newgrounds. Suddenly the fandom was omnipresent, and potentially out of control. From what ive picked up, it was a pretty rad time to be a nerd. “Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock is decorated, and then lost track of. The question ‘Who's mule is this?’ at times can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.”

But, as much as I was starting to learn exactly what Homestuck was, I was hearing equally as much in terms of negativity about its fandom. Of their overwhelming presence during conventions, their reputation for immaturity, the torrents of unsealed gray face paint flooding the lobbies of unsuspecting hotels. So, I stayed away. This was like, late middle school for me, and there was no way in hell I was going to risk putting my image-obsessed ass on the line for a bunch of rainbow blooded zodiac alien shitlords and their apocalyptic tendencies. So, I stayed away.

It really was the first time something pop culture had ever gotten this big. Openbound hit, and it got bigger? Somehow? More trolls? Jesus christ. The fandom kept growing at an exponential rate, faster than people could process it, and so much so that nobody else knew how to handle it.

And then it… stopped.

The Gigapause, I think it was called. At the height of their power, the fandom was left with nothing, no new content to grab hold of, no new development to fuel their fan works, no anything. The fandom starts to lose speed. A spot of hope happens, during act 6 and is subsequently dashed against the rocks below as the Omegapause kicks in. I wasnt paying attention. I was busy, there was work to be done trying to get into college.

And just as suddenly as it had come, it was gone. The webcomic concluded in a way that implied that not only the readers, but the fictional characters themselves were freed from the scope and size of their own work. Anyone still reading watched Collide, in what I can only imagine to be 20 minutes of pure catharsis. The fandom got hit with Act 7, and that was it.

This whole time, that entire span of that seven years, nobody had ever ‘told me about Homestuck.’ Until, about a year after it ended, a friend of mine told me that the way I talk reminded them of a character called Karkat (after what Im assuming was a fairly aggressive bitch fest about something or other). Upon my asking what in the fuck kind of name Karkat is, they nostalgically smiled, and asked me if I had ever read a certain webcomic.

We went back to my dorm and they pulled it up on my computer. We read for a couple hours. I didnt think too much of it, but it was amusing enough. I put it away, and forgot about it until one lazy day like month later. And then I think it was Rose dropping a bathtub in Johns hallway that sealed the deal. I dont think I have to tell anyone following a fucking classpect blog about how addicting reading Homestuck is. I got really into the classpect system, as you can see. Im damn near constantly nerding out about videogame-esque class systems and personality studies, and I thought Homestuck’s god tier system was so fucking creative and interesting. And the music, holy shit. A flash webcomic? With LEITMOTIFS?!?

I eventually figured out that thinking Homestuck is cool in 2018 was… lonely. The people that still were fans of the comic enjoyed it in hushed tones, and in shame. It was sad, in ways. A part of me wished that I had gotten to experience it at its peak. I am not one such member of this fandom that has existed when the work was in its primordial stages, and I do not for one second claim to have been at the apex of the movement.

So what does this shitty history lesson good for anyway, right? What does it all mean? It has been nine years to the day, this 4/13, and Hiveswap is the only thing from keeping what was once considered a monumental aspect of pop culture from fading into complete obscurity. I am hopeful of the future of Homestuck, but I cannot help but also feel that one day, in the near future, it will be lost to time. And so, here we are today. I walk amongst the bones of the sun-bleached empire that used to be Homestuck. Not many people live here anymore. One day, it might be empty. One day, it might be that nobody remembers it at all.

But not as long as you are here, reading horseshit like this rant. Not as long as someone is drawing shitty fan art of the Mayor, not as long as someone is shamelessly jamming out on the bus to Sburban Jungle, and not as long as someone out there who cant think of the word ‘Pisces’ without instinctively associating it with the color fuschia. Humanitys drive to build things, to create, is rooted in an effort to outlast their own lifespan. And the same is true for this thing that we have all come to love (hate?), and for all of the thousands of people that have found some connection with each other over a common bond. I know that this whole rant has had some serious cringe potential, but know this, you bunch of nerds: As long as you are out there, reading, enjoying, then the fandom is still alive and well. And better yet? You arent alone.

Happy 4/13, kids.

“I keep having these dreams. Great empty cities, silent roads stretching for miles. The Earth from space, all dark. Not a single light to guide me home. But if someone really came from another world, what would the Earth look like to them? A wilderness? A wasteland? I don't think so. Even after thousands of years they’d see a world shaped by our hand in every aspect of its being. They'd see the cities and the roads; the bridges, the harbors. And they would say: Here lived a race of giants.”

-Acclaimed Actor and Sleeping Prophet, Charles Dutton

-Alexandra Drennan, The Talos Principle

#homestuck #4/13 #not classpect #feel free to disregard #I was just in the mood #for like a fucking essay

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voulezvous-rpg · 7 years ago

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Congratulations, V! You’ve been accepted as your original character, The Flickering Candle — Lilou Song, with a face claim of Lee Se Young!

I’m thrilled to welcome a dancer and courtesan who’s here because of need, not because of desire. Lilou is such a heartbreakingly selfless character, one whose inner light has always gone to others before it’s gone to herself. To have done so for so long, and still feel the sting of loss again and again, makes it no wonder that light is beginning to fade. In a beautiful opposition to the handful of dancers we have who are aspiring to be courtesans, I’m very excited by the prospect of one who’s on the precipice of wanting out. Her bitter vulnerability and position within the club make for so many possibilities, and I’m so excited to welcome both you and this beautiful woman to the dash!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name/Alias: V.

Pronouns: she/her

Age: 22

Timezone & Activity: est // i’m finishing up my last semester at uni, so until the end of may my activity will be on the lower side of the scale. i would say it fits around 6/10

IN CHARACTER

Character Group: Dancer/Coutesan

Character Title: The Flickering Candle

Name: Lilou Song

FC: Lee Se Young

Pronouns: she/her

Age: 24

Occupation: Dancer & Courtesan

How long has your character been around the Moulin Rouge? Whether working or visiting, how much time has your character spent around the club? Lilou has been employed as a dancer at the Moulin Rouge for two years.

How did the fire impact your character? Directly or indirectly, how did the fire affect your character? What are their thoughts regarding the aftermath and the club’s reopening? Lilou was heavily impacted by the fire due to the Moulin Rouge being her only place of employment at the time of the fire. She had great difficulty finding any different work before the reopening, so she was desperate to thrust herself back into work.

Biography:

.i.

You are in a room, your reflection in the mirror across from you. The lips part, and something vile drips from its mouth. Your hands tighten to a fist, and you strain yourself not to break the glass. It would be nice, though, to sense pierced skin, and blood dripping over knuckles, to know the illusion shattered (because it is an illusion, not reality, it cannot be r e a l i t y )

The reflection closes its eyes, no longer you, and yet all of you. A breeze sweeps between the both of you, and you squint against the bite of cold. Lips part again, and suddenly, you are facing your mother. And when you reach for him, she is cold to the touch.

Do you love yourself? she asks.

You awake, and tears stream down your face.

( you never have an answer, do you? )

.ii.

Your father stumbles through the door again, the stench of alcohol stumbling in with him, and you with narrowed eyes how he makes a fool of himself when he wobbles into his room. Your mother is in the corner sewing another hole in your smock closed, and her eyes are quickly close shut at the sound of your father disposing of the evening meal you all shared hours before.

“To bed,” she tells you, as if you have your own room, as if you all live in an actual house that doesn’t shake in the wind, as if it’s a place to shield you from the cold, as if this is a home and not hell.

It’s not her fault, though, because she tries and tries and tries; she is the strongest person in the household to shoulder the weight of your father and what you need. So you stand and softly make your way to her, grabbing her hand and asking, “What can I do?”

Your mother deserves more than this country can offer her, and the least you can do is lift her burden ever so slightly.

.iii.

( she sings you a lullaby and you find yourself drifting on a river, and your heart no longer feel as if it will burst from your chest. she digs her hand into your mind, asks you to release your anger to be a light in the world, to shine for others, and oh, oh you want to tell her you will always keep your light burning. )

((( but you know. oh, you know. )))

.iv.

Your father’s haegeum has been untouched for so long that when you first open the case, the hinges creak in the most awful of noises. When you pluck the strings, the sickening feeling of hearing something unnatural fills your veins.

You shut the case, and try to forget the moment.

But you come back, in the quiet moments when your mother has fallen asleep in her chair, and unveil the violin to the sunlight. You never play it; you don’t know how, and your father is never around to ask. But you trace your fingers along its shape, and the silent music rests in your heart.

It is a comfort, admiring something you one day hope to play yourself.

And then, one day, it disappears, and when your father returns with more food than normal (and more alcohol, always, always more alcohol), your face contorts into something ugly. You refuse to eat, and turn your face to the wall when you meet your mother’s worried gaze in the darkness.

Everything is fleeting. And it’s a lesson you cannot swallow.

.v.

First, it’s your father. Chills, a hacking cough, and the acknowledgment of death presses against your chest. It is quick, the moment of his first shaky breath to his harrowing last.

Your mother isn’t granted the same decency.

It is long hours of sitting beside her, your hand in hers, willing and praying that she will last another night. You cannot bear to leave the house, but you must to scrounge what little money you can gather. It’s not enough, never enough, and you are desperate as you witness your mother withering away.

And there are thoughts of what else you could do, wretched ones that you refuse to stoop yourself to. She asked you to keep your light shining, and selling yourself, no, no you cannot and will not.

But when your mother needs medication and food the most, there is no money left, and you run through the streets, tears brimming at your eyes because why was it her, why your mother, why wasn’t it you?

And suddenly, there, in the lights, the sound of laughter and coins being exchanged. Before you unravels a space you’ve always heard of, always avoided at your mother’s frown, and you launch yourself toward the Moulin Rouge.

Please, you beg, please.

.vi.

The lights expose your mistakes, and the choreographer chides you for yet another night. Minette is suddenly there, though, planting a kiss on your cheek, telling you to smile for it’s like the moon in the black sky, the candle in the windowsill offering distant comfort. And you do smile, because your mother would have wanted you to — and you want to smile. You do.

She survived another four months because of this place., because of what you committed yourself to. And that’s something — that’s everything.

I do hope you stay, darling, Minette throws over her shoulder as she turns away.

I will, you respond. I will.

.vii.

( it is poison, this place, what you do because there is nothing left for you. you would be insane to leave when you are able to feed yourself, take care of yourself, live for yourself because of this place.

but you are losing yourself all the same, feeling the flame within you D I E. you are tempted by everything your mother would have wept over. and you don’t want to stay, you don’t want to smile, you don’t want this.

how can you be a light for others, if you can’t even be a light for yourself? )

Potential Plot Points:

I do believe it’s pretty obvious Lilou is at the Moulin Rouge out of necessity and that she doesn’t exactly like being there, which certainly doesn’t ring true for plenty of the people who are within its walls. It would be interesting to see how others react to that; are suspicions raised about her because of her dislike? Do people think she started the fire? Why would she return then? I think there are plenty of dynamics to play on that.

She is right on the cliff’s edge of a point of no return, so who’s going to tempt her into darkness and extinguish that candle’s flame or who will help it still burn throughout her life? I see her going either way, and I would love to see which side kind of wins.

She is genuine, she is kind, but there is a bitterness underlying all of that, and it can be easily misunderstood. Who will fight through that to be her friend? She just needs a good solid friend, whether it be another dancer. staff member, or patron.

She hates, hates, hates being a courtesan, but the extra money patrons will slip her is much needed. But what if a patron angers her to a point she withdraws as a courtesan? Idk, I think a scenario like that could unravel into something much bigger down the line ( exactly what, i’m unsure, but the possibilities ).

FREESTYLE

~ quotes

“you are a shared secret kept between cupped hands; you are the first drizzle of spring, the laughter-filled nights of summer. (there is static in your head and in your heart— breathe, and remember that you are more than what your reflection tells you.)”

“Your only problem, perhaps, is that you scream without letting yourself cry.”

“You aren’t a caged bird,  you’re not as trapped as you feel.  You’re not as alone as you assume.  I promise.”

“I want to rest. I want to breathe quietly again.”

❝ you were unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will. ❞

❝ because sometimes chance and circumstance can seem like the most appalling injustice, but we just have to adapt. that’s all we can do ❞

❝ life sometimes seems like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end. that’s the given. how you respond to those losses, what you make of what’s left, that’s the part you have to make up as you go. ❞

#accepted #accepted: the flickering candle

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survivorreelsmagicwithin · 4 years ago

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Episode 9- “THIS ROUND IS MAKING MY SCAR HURT”-Owen

I have honestly never been happier for a merge!! I hope that Lily, Landen and I are still as tight as we used to be going into merge. I'm excited to get to know Jules, she messaged me and we have a mutual friend and she seems so sweet!

GUESS WHO, BITCHES! Aheh! *sticks out tongue and cackles* I'm making MARSHMALLOW moves because 1 - I made the Merge, and with Jacob C and Max GONE!!! Thank FUCK because they are the perfect two people to have be gone first, Max being gone clears a major target off Hufflepuff's back and gets rid of a stigma I'm gonna have as him being my number, as well as a potential goat in this game that people would probably try to drag around. I already talked about Jacob being gone in an earlier confessional. I liked Max; but he was just seriously going to be a wrench in my game, so this is a major relief. I'm so glad to finally be done with the premerge stage (even though I was safe for 8/9 tribal councils... OK CUTE!) And I'm ready to take on the big leagues. Hopefully I don't die ASAP. Obviously, I'm not just hoping that. Here's what this Hufflepuff is thinking moving forward. First of all, I found the Merge Idol, or the Avada Kedavra spell. This is honestly perfect, as soon as the mini challenge hunt was revealed I knew I would have to give it my EVERYTHING to find that damn idol, because there was literally no way I was ever going to find one of the branching path advantages. I don't even want to *try* to find one and keep track of all the paths I've followed, let alone actually having the luck and gut intuition to actually get there... Especially after seeing how hard yall made the escape room branching paths. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll just take the challenge one. I'm pretty nervous having it under my belt because I tend to get paranoid with idols, like *really* nervous about playing it correctly and making sure I have it at the right moment and everything, where I usually misplay or just don't end up playing. Hopefully I can avoid that and actually have the read to play it correctly this season, but at the end of the day, it's a security blanket. I did wind up telling Lily that I had it, mostly because I trust Lily ferociously, with ALL my heart, and I also know how skilled of a social player she is. If Lily gets any crucial information and wants us to play something, then she can give it to me and we'll be able to get it done and Lily won't feel lied to. It's crucial I keep her on my side because A - I genuinely want to work with her, I've been with her the whole time and I love her! And B - As long as we make it past these early stages like 11, 10, 9, She is always going to be a bigger target than me. Lily is a bigger social threat than I am with more conversationalist skills and inroads, once we get to the stage that people like that are targeted, she's gonna be the one that people go after, not her beta bitch little gay marshmallow friend :D and I'm okay with that!! I have a similar plan with Kevin, I'm ready to be his sub beta BITCH for as long as I need to because at the end of the day I'm confident people will target him over me for his challenge prowess, his inroads with almost everyone in the game, and the way he is going to have to betray people sooner or later. And again, another plan with Juls. I want to be close to Kevin, Juls, and Lily, and keep them around as shields for me. I'm not going to be the one to ruthlessly take them out, because I'm confident enough in my own gameplay that I don't need to do that, but if I can be there when they all get voted out and then pick up the pieces at Final Tribal, I'm MORE than happy to do so. ;) But as far as that goes, I need to first make the final 7 or 8 with all those shields in order to be okay in the game. Without becoming a SOCIAL POWERHOUSE, it might be.... let's just say DIFFICULT, for me to make the inroads with the Ravenclaws that I need to avoid their target early on. Early in the merge people are going to want to go for people that won't make WAVES and while me leaving would upset... Lily, and like, **maaaaaybe Juls**, if I'm lucky.. I don't think anyone else would be that torn up about it. So I have to find the right routes to survive right now, and this can be a time for my game to shine that I can use in my Final Tribal later to point out the positives of my game. I started with Kevin, I had a 2 hour call with him tonight just going over everything that happened in our games and kinda making a truce that JUST IN CASE this vote turns into a war of sides and we end up on opposite sides, let's please not gun for one another. But I also discussed the possibility of us working together with Lily, Ruthie, and potentially our very good mutual friend Autumn! If I want to work with Juls, also having Autumn may be a great way to get ourselves set up for the future, and if I am tight with Juls AND kevin wants to work with hufflepuff, that should be more than enough ammunition to convince Autumn, who already has strong bonds with me and Lily from our last swapped tribe (I love her btw!) to vote with us. The only problem here is that it would leave us with probably Owen as the only option, because I don't think Kevin will want to turn on any of Jules, Joanna, and Dan just yet. He also may not want to isolate them either which would make an Owen vote tricky. On the other hand I get the sense that Kevin might be willing to vote out Chips, we discussed that, BUTTT, Juls and Autumn would NOT be on board with that and if Kevin wanted to vote out Chips, maybe Juls and Autumn would find a way to sneak back in with the Ravenclaws and take the opportunity to blindside ME (owen wouldn't go for Ruthie, Lily is too good socially) and that's just a risk I'm not sure how ready i am to take... Meaning right now it might be better to subtly set up the vote to land on Owen, than Chips. Of course that's not even factoring immunity into the whole mess, and also other Pre-Game/Cross-Tribal relationships that WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE!!! I'm sure lots more people know each other from past games and it'll probably all start coming out of the floodgates very soon, so for someone like me, who's relatively new to this community - I'm interested to see where the lines get drawn and what goes down. It honestly feels like this merge vote is going to be the Battle of Hogwarts, and I'm just donning my robes, gripping my wand, ready to make any marshmallow moves necessary to make to secure that my side wins. Hell, I'll secure myself through a Horcrux if I have to! (Which I guess in Survivor terms is equivalent to putting my soul into that idol so that I can revive myself through it when I 'die' to cancelled out votes!) Here we go, game on, this Final 11 is stacked, and it's EXACTLY what I've been waiting for.

Soooooo my loyal ass can’t help but still feel the most trust and loyalty to Ruthie, Landen, and Kevin. Now my brain is trying to think of some way to make this work so that none of us get voted out. The only thought I have right now is a girls alliance with Ruthie and I and I’m thinking juls and autumn? Then Kevin and landen in an alliance with dan and chips? Dan and Owen??? I think I should probably talk to Kevin and see where he is at. I just would hate for this to all backfire in my face now. I’m not ready to be done with this game and hope that the hufflepuffs don’t become the targets. It’s also helpful to note that landen told me he has the idol. He wants to keep it between us and I’m good with that. He says he would use it on me or for him. Whomever gets targeted first. I sure as hell didn’t get past the sudoku so this is great. I hope that I don’t become a target anytime soon and I can remain under the radar despite going to a rock vote...

In all honesty this merge has me VERY nervous for my life haha. Everyone is so intimidating! I need to message everyone but it is just very overwhelming! Right now I'm just talking to Lily, Landen, Dan and Jules!! Jules is very nice and I'm getting great vibes from her- I can't remember if I already said that yesterday or not though, LOL. I need to message Autumn and get to know her, Lily says that she is someone we can potentially work with this merge. I think Lily and Landen still want to go after Owen and I just don't know about that, I need to message him and see where is head is, I still feel guilty about the round we went to rocks.

next day

Very little people are talking to me and keeping up with messages with me when I message them... so I smell a vote me out scheme trying to happen. I'm going to wait for awhile to panic just in case people are sleeping, I'm going to idol search at my normal time and I prayyyyyy to the survivor gods that I find some kind of advantage so I'm not the one going home tonight. Best case scenario would be for me to find something that could help the OG huffle puffles make it through!

god landen when you read this i know ive only known u for a bit but i do love you with all my heart. but. you are A CLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A STRAIGHT UP CLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u are so cracked and i love you for it, but i dont know if you're trying to lie to me or u genuinely believe all the shit u say!!!! i just dont know!!! but ugh king...true king....much to think about....

2 hours later

AHHH are Landen, Owen and I really about to form some kind of power alliance here or...? Going from having our names thrown around to potentially working together, I like the sound of that! I think the people that threw my name out there were 100% Dan and Joanna which is VERY frustrating to me but... whatever. Dan just told me he heard my name so he must sense that I know he was probably the one to suggest it or go along with it but I am going to be very wary. In all honesty I would LOVE to work with Dan here but I just don't think it is going to work because I don't think we can trust each other as far as we can throw each other haha. I think he is now just telling me that he heard my name to cover his ass so I don't go after him but UGH. I would love for us all to just come together and vote out someone that is playing the middle at least this first round in the merge. The people I think are in the middle right now are Chips, Juls, Autumn and sadly Kevin. I want to say that he is with me but it is just really hard to tell right now :/ If we do come together to make like a huffleclaw alliance I'm going to suggest Juls or Chips go. I feel like maybe some of them would be okay with that?? UGHH. I hate this part of the game y'all.

Owen says that Dan doesn't want me to go? I'm SO UGHHH. Okay so according to Owen, Autumn and Dan want Landen to go, and Juls and Jules want me to go which SUCKS because I felt good vibes from Jules whenever we talk. Everyone else is just kind of in the middle but I think... that maybe we can get the votes for Joanna to go. Owen seems to think that her and Dan aren't as tight as I thought they were.

THIS ROUND IS MAKING MY SCAR HURT First of all, I was very very happy to have won out to merge lol. I don't know what would've happened between Landen/Lily and Autumn/myself, but there would've been some fireworks lol. At the end of the day though we didn't have to worry about that! But now? My worries are ten times worse. I thought coming in that the three Gryffindor would join forces with Dan/Jules/myself, but the more time has gone on, the more I've realized Jules and Dan are NOT on the same page at all. Dan is so worried about Jules being a social player and having other connections, which I agree with wholeheartedly. Especially bc Jules came to me today and basically said: I like Landen and don't want to vote Landen, so unless you vote Ruthie, it's going to be you. LIKE WHAT! It was so freaking obvious Jules is trying to save Landen's ass for some reason and manipulate me into thinking it was a me vs. ruthie thing when really it's a landen vs. ruthie thing. Because now, Autumn/Dan seem to want to push Landen's name still, and Jules/Juls want Ruthie gone to save Landen, and I'm somewhere in the middle I guess??? But it sucks because in my heart, I really want to stay loyal to Dan, get revenge on Landen/Ruthie bc they freaking lied to me and got Jess out. But in my head I get this feeling that if I take out Landen rn, I'm going to be soon because I'll be a next big "threat," and that it'll turn into an Old West situation where all the players take each other out all merge and start to give the floaters more and more power. It's not fair! So I'm toying with the idea of pulling together with Lily/Ruthie/Landen and protecting them, so that hopefully they continue to get targeted as a group over myself. But in doing that, it seems like I'll just screw over Dan/Autumn, and I literally CANNOT do that. I wonder if there's a way to get Dan to want to do Joanna somehow? I don't know. I would feel ten times more okay if we could all get on the same page, save both Ruthie and Landen, and take out a non-threat. I'm falling into a trap I always do. I want too many people happy with me and too many things to be secure and go my way, so I'm making two different deals with two people, and I'm gonna have four enemies left in the game by tonight. So it's like - do I take the risk of pissing people off to save Landen? Or do I go with the path of least resistance and, against my better judgement, get Landen out of the game? I HATE SURVIVOOOOOOR

I LOVE this alliance I have with Landen and Lily, like I can't even. I LOVE how transparent we are being with each other through the whole thing and how we are working together. I also like that Landen and Owen are now getting along SO MAYBE I can continue to go far with all of them. I might not be so done tonight! SORRY all I keep doing is making confessionals.

I dunno who to vote out. I like everyone

I’ve honestly never hated a cast more than this one. I want to flip on all my allies, be a psycho, and just get voted out lmao

thought i made a confessional but i know for a FACT that i didn’t.. just girly tingz. but anyways so! this first merge vote gonna make me break out with how much stress it’s bringing me because every time jules kevin and i save landens ass he digs himself another hole HVDBDBD but i love him.. my cracked king. i just hope we can make this vote go the way we want it but OF COURSE. people just love to make things difficult.. sick to my mother fuckin stomach.

I don't trust any of these people, everyone is WAY too quiet for right before a vote. Last I heard is that Landen, Lily, Owen, Dan, Kevin and I are voting Joanna but... WHAT? I just don't trust it, I really thought that Dan and Joanna were really close so I'm just... ugh. I wish we could get Jules out because I heard she is after me! SO me being the nosy person I am did some digging on her big brother pokemon profile and may have more of an insight... sorry Jules when you read this I promise I'm not a stalker, LOL. Anyway, I'm beyond nervous, something just isn't adding up. Even LILY my number one ride or die is being too quiet. :/

So I got sick and then kind of... talked a limited amount to people. Luckily Max was targeted instead of me and Jules and Juls voted with me to vote him out. Then we merged And merge is INSANE. Four names have been thrown: Ruthie, Landen, Owen, Joanna Each name gained steam in its own time but then petered out and then the other gained steam. Lily tried for the better part of an hour to explain how we need to vote out a Ravenclaw because they're scary. Autumn told me Kevin doesn't want to associate with the Hufflepuff sunken ship. It's been a lot and I think Ruthie is the final vote today? Of course, I think there will be an idol play or a power played and the outcome will be different. But that's who I voted. I want to be added to an alliance now that we merged and I"m too nervous to make my own. Hm... guess I'll be third wheeling it while everyone else uses me as an extra number.

Why are Lily and Landen not talking to me but Owen and Dan are??? THIS IS HOW... craziness happens. I am literally sweating bullets right now.

28 minutes later

I AM SEETHING RIGHT NOW. I'm frustrated that Landen won't vote for Jules when not everyone is comfortable voting for joanna right now and like literally ANYONE ELSE would vote for jules right now. LANDEN OWEN AND I ARE FREAKING BREAKING OUR NECKS FOR YOU AND THIS HAPPENS I AM SO MAD.

8 minutes later

THIS is why the only person I idol hunt with is Lily. I am SO MAD AT LANDEN RIGHT NOW.

tribals in 10 minutes i need to do one of these really quick essentially autumn/jules/juls/chips wanna do ruthie and then lily/owen/dan/ruthie are down to do any of the other 4 but i dont wanna break trust with those ppl nor vote them out i really want owen out and i think i got my people on board with that ??? but we're waiting for autumn to get online idk if its gonna happen if it does this is insane this has to be a blindside but like idk if its gonna be im gonna scream and never stop screaming ever so idk idk idk oh my god but if owen goes home......... wow. i did that. but if i go home.......... wow. i did that. IM SORRY THIS IS SO NOT SPECIFIC

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totoroses · 7 years ago

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i found this lesbian survey and decided to fill it out!

Femme or butch? is this what do i prefer or which i am? im a femme and i have no preference in dating, i’ve been wildly attracted to both and any in between

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it. the only nearly completely common denominator though my exes are having brown eyes? i have dated only one person who did not have brown eyes. i always feel safer looking into brown eyes then blue. i woudl say i have often gone after the romantic artsy type with good music taste and some kind of signature style about them, ironically none of which drew me to my current girlfriend who i believe is probably defintiely the love of my life

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? leather jackets! i will swoon over smartly dressed gals in button downs as well as a chill gal in some plaid unbuttoned flannel but the two together make me think of a lumberjack

Describe your style. i usually go for one of two styles- softly dressed forest wanderer, or slightly sassy soft grunge. both include my doc martens, but one is more natural colours and old fashioned dresses and the other is sassy tshirts and 90sish thrift store finds like denim and dark florals

Describe your aesthetic.pressed flowers between the pages of a book on forest spirits, rose milk tea, silver rainy downpours, curly baby hairs, white peaches, a cat sleeping in a library, custard pastries, a circle of mushrooms in moss, opals and furry moths

Favorite article of clothing? my one forever 21 dress ive had since like junior year that i can wear without a bra and it has like a cool cross back i just looooveee ittt, then also my embroidered minty 1930s style qipao sort of dress

Favorite pair of shoes? my doc martens and green chinese embroidered lace up slippers

Current haircut? currently blonde (ugh) and currently my hair falls just past my breasts, the goal is to grow it to my bellybutton!

Any haircut goals for the future? i really wanna get on the thick fluffy bangs bandwagon but i dont think i have the stamina to put up with growing them out again smh

Describe the best date you’ve been on. there was this one date i went on with one of my high school girlfriends where we went to a bookstore and hung out and then stuck googly eyes all over my city on random monuments and street signs, and we also ate thai food and listened to music and it was still one of the most lovely dates. BUT my girlfriend recently visited me in taiwan and we went in a glass bottom gondola ride up a mountain and drank from coconuts and wandered through old streets and had the most amazing tea food with a spectacular view and it was heaven

Describe the worst date you’ve been on. probably the one where i went on a picnic with my first girlfriend who then broke up with me that same day and even though our entire relationship was so awkward and not what is should have been it still hurt so bad

Single? Taken? taken!

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife! where do i begin! my girlfriend is a slightly shorter than me girl named lynn who loved korean variety shows, drinking coca cola, listening to cheesy love songs, and playing tricks on people (especially me). she used to be a major tomboy in middle and high school and date all the girls and get slapped a lot, as well as mess with teachers and play pranks on them and steal things from their lunchboxes. more than half of her birthchart including sun, rising, and venus are scorpio, and she wants to start her own streetstyle online brand but has not yet found a catchy brand name!

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife? :)

Describe your dream wedding my girlfriend says if we get married we need two, a traditional chinese wedding (she is from china) and a western one with a priest since i am catholic, and i couldnt agree more. my dream wedding includes just very close friends and family, extravagant lights and flowers and a reception party playlist chosen by me, catered by the teahouse we went to in taiwan. i know its so silly and superficial but i want the dreamiest dress that i design, wisteria everywhere, and most of all i just want lynn at the end of the alter looking stunning in whatever it is she decides to wear

Do you want kids? YES me and lynn talk about this a lot because we both love kids and both agree on at least 4, no more than 8. and we will share who carries the kids so not just one of us is having our uteruses worn out

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? guilin, china. but its a fantasy. guilin is real and beautiful but chinese laws make it so that even if we settle down there and build a house it cant truly belong to us, and in china you cant have a private business and it jsut sucks because the drema is to live in the quiet countryside with a simple life and beautiful scenery to explore together and with our children

Favorite lesbian movie? i love so many but im gonna go with the handmaiden!

Favorite lesbian novel/story? i havent read nearly enough, but adore all things by malinda lo and julie anne peters! ash by malinda lo is probably my favourite. i have to still read sarah waters though, i hear she reigns supreme

Favorite lesbian song? don’t pull away by milosh ft jviews (the music video is gay at least, i also love hayley kiyoko)

Favorite lesbian musician? hayley kiyoko probably

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? mmmm i dont like softball so that doesnt work...i read a lot of sappho though! and i have short nails? and love buffy? are these stereotypes?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? ugh yes

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? write me a love letter or make me a mixtape about your feleings something cheesy

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? girls!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? cat but i also love pups!

Turn ons? a musical wonderful voice i could listen to and listen to, easy and stimulating conversations, passion for something that lights up their eyes

Turn offs? rudeness in any shape or form, indecisiveness or feigning indecisiveness because you think i want to make the decisions, despicable movie and music taste, smell

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? mmmm in the past it has been pretty even. i have learned though that with women it really is a waiting game more than with guys so with my current girlfriend the tension was killing me so much i had to straight up ask her if something was going on and when she said yes she did like me too i was so relieved because she admitted to having not dated anyone since high school (5 years ago for her) and not asking anyone out while at college so if i had kept waiting for her who knows if we would have gotten together!

What is your dream career? i want to be a stay at home mom and author and perhaps an art teacher or preschool teacher on the side if the books dont pa the bills!

Talk about your interests or hobbies! writing and reading and drawing and singing and hiking and listening to music and watching korean dramas and making lists and studying languages

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? passion, not necessarily in the sexual wya, but passion for something in general. like if she is an actress you see her on the stage and see how into it she is, and offstage she talks about it in a way that shows she is capable of truly loving something so much and seeing wonder in life. or a girl who seems quiet but then when she starts to show you the music she likes she closes her eyes and knows every lyric and has this expression of true passion and love for the music, i am captivated by women who are captivated by the purest elements of life from music to dance to nature

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? for women, i fall in infatuation quite easily. i was always more cautious with men of course and now i avoid them altogether. but love is something i’ve been becoming more conservative of somehow. i think because i was so hurt by someone before and gave and gave without receiving and im scared of that happening again. i have to be receiving love to give it, thats something i finally can control my impulses over and protect myself from.

Ever fallen for your best-friend? HA

Ever fallen for a straight girl? HAHA

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) heck to the no i couldnt make it past two episodes

Favorite comfort food? macaroni and cheese

Coffee or tea? tea

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? none but i have tried vegetarian before

Do you have any pets? a chinchilla and a cat!

Early-riser or night-owl? night owl

What is your sign? gemini sun, sag moon, sag rising

What is your Myers-Briggs type? INFP

Who was your first lesbian crush? my first serious lesbian crush was on a girl at my middle school who dressed to the nines every day in vintage dresses and sweaters and she flirted with practically everyone just joking around and always had a boyfriend but was just charming in every way. my whoel day would eb ruined if i couldn’t just see her or say hello once, and i thought i was just obsessed until i was like ‘wait what if she kissed me’ and BAM i knew it was a real life crush

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? im not really sure. i identified as bi/pan from freshman year to junior year i think, but then was realizing i definitely had a preference and didn’t want to be with guys in a relationship at all to be honest but even up until last summer i was really questioning if i was asexual, so its been a journey but i think i finally fully realized i am a happy happy lesbian after meeting lynn

At what age did you come out (if you have)? i was 14 when i first told my parents i was bi, 18 when i said im a lesbian

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? just my girly friend

Talk about how your day went i worked this morning 7-11 after only sleeping 4 hours since i got hooked on ‘tipping the velvet’ the bbc miniseries, said goodbye to a friend, had school and did a presentation on how to make rosemilk bubble tea, i ate at a moomin cafe with my coworker, and now am working on homework and doing this survey and putting off my night cleaning duties eheh

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future i just want to have a family and to have my books published, thats all i really need. a loving wife, my sister still by my side as my partner in crime, so many children, so many stories finally told that people are reading. i really want to build a lovely house for my family like my grandparents did once upon a time, with secret rooms and unique hiding places, a house they can pass down as they grow up and it can have our lineage. i want to live by the mountains and trees and water, i want to be able to speak mandarin, cantonese, korean, japanese, icelandic, italian, arabic, and polish fluently

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blookmallow · 4 years ago

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goin through tma transcripts again making some more observations

i think im picking up on another potential thread here i didnt notice before

- in Growing Dark, natalie becomes obsessed with darkness. the lightbulbs appear to be going out because she’s intentionally unscrewing them, so it doesn’t seem to be the exact same as what was happening around montauk, but there’s a clear connection anyway (and mark bilham says the streetlights and the car headlights and everything all seemed darker than they should be when he went back to confront natalie, as well) jon suspects this but says it’s only a suspicion, and he isn’t sure. not sure why two different names were given (”the peoples church of the divine host” and “the hither green dissenters”) but it could just be two different names for the same group. jon doesn’t seem to know either

- Why Didn’t Kathy ASK Her What The Food Was and i also cant decide if i really want to know what it was or really DON’T want to know but i dont think it was spinach

- if it IS the same cult: if they were trying to summon the darkness, or worshipping it, or something, it doesn’t quite fit that montauk himself was apparently trying to keep this darkness away

but then, his killings began after his wife left, and she left the pendant behind when she did, so maybe she left the cult and that’s what made the darkness angry, but. julia doesn’t mention having ever seen her father wearing a pendant like that so it doesn’t seem like he himself was part of the cult before, and if his wife was the one involved/the one who left, why would the darkness be coming for him

or if she was... protecting him from it and now that she’s gone it’s coming after him why would she have left her pendant behind like that, if “I’m leaving the church” was something personal to her and wasn’t intended as a statement to him

- seems like there may be two rival cults clashing here, could be some kind of Fire/open eyes/Seeing vs Darkness/closed eye/Listening happening. the clown doll in Strange Music also had eyes painted shut, and that was centered on. strange music. and the darkness cult emphasizes losing sight but there’s that discordant singing

this is a theme i didnt pick up on until just now and i dont really want to go back through and search for Sight vs Sound in everything else right now but, hm. seems like there’s been a lot of creatures that don’t want to be Seen, things that resist all attempt to Prove them, things that don’t show their true forms visually. things that don’t show up on cameras even though they were there. things that you can only see properly when you’re not looking directly at it

the strange blonde man sasha encounters says “How would a melody describe itself when asked?” his appearance distorts in reflections and he describes himself as sound

something something magnus institute trying to cast Light and Understanding and Truth onto things that don’t want to be seen and don’t want to be understood. prentiss says in her statement - “I need it to be seen. To be seen in the cold light of knowledge is anathema to the things that crawl and slither and swarm in the corners and the cracks.”

so prentiss appears to be on the Darkness side/that makes the most sense but sasha notably discovers she can kill the worms with a fire extinguisher, while martin had noticed a partly burned worm that had apparently not been killed by fire before (and. timothy clearly did not escape the worms, regardless of whether he killed some of them or not). after prentiss was found the first time the complex burned down. i cant quite make sense of whats happening there

- there were screams heard in the abandoned chapel on the day gertrude died so something’s definitely going on there. the guy with the dream about her believed something unspeakably horrible was coming for her it doesn’t make sense that she was just shot, and “the unspeakable horror was Betrayal” seems like a cop out to me so i dont think thats it

- the guy in Burnt Offering was. under the effects of some kind of Burning Curse so that’s. pretty clear, but why were there pictures of gertrude in that clearing. the fuck is happening there

- I’m still trying to figure out what’s happening with Written Word vs Speech, maybe related to Seeing/Silence too, like. all these statements are written. jon is speaking them and at first i just thought he was really into the storytelling but now I’m starting to worry that the reason he sounds so different when he’s narrating the statements is that they’re. getting into him. somehow. like he’s some kind of a conduit for something. i don’t like that at ALL and i REALLY hope im wrong lmao

anyway then there’s Cheating Death, where nathaniel thorp says that his story is folklore which has never before been written down, so we have... oral tradition being spoken by an illiterate man, copied down in written word for the first time by the magnus institute (not sure if it’s relevant Who transcribed it, jon says it was a research assistant named Fiona Law, who died from what seems to be completely unrelated causes like 30 yeas later, so) and now being recited/spoken again by jon. and there’s probably something to the fact that thorp says it’s a legend/folklore but it turns out to have actually been his statement all along, so im not sure if he was... saying that the stories were about Him, or if the concept of “people who try to gamble with death become something stuck between death and life” was a story he grew up with and then discovered to be Real, or if none of it was folklore in the first place and just talking about it in a detached third person way was the only way he could do it

prentiss describes the magnus institute as “This place of books and learning, of sight and beholding” and seems not to trust in Words,

“There is no right word because for all your Institute and ignorance may laud the power of the word, it cannot even stretch to fully capture what I feel in my bones. What possible recourse could there be for me in your books and files and libraries except more useless ink and dying letters? I see now why the hive hates you. You can see it and log it and note it’s every detail but you can never understand it. You rob it of its fear even though your weak words have no right to do so.”

that also speaks to jon’s skepticism, everything “verifiable” about these statements does not make sense to the person’s actual experience, things keep happening that for whatever reason cannot be explained and understood, people who were THERE but theres no record of them existing, cave systems that are heavily mapped and documented but the actual experience of exploring them doesnt follow the documentation at all

after reading prentiss’ statement jon says “There are weird things out there that are perfectly natural. It’s not, though. I know it’s not natural.” which is... the first time ive noticed him actually looking at something that could be explained rationally (prentiss is a mentally ill woman with a very aggressive currently-unknown-to-science parasite) but instead follows his feeling that theres something more underneath it

he also. says this after having read the statement and remarks that “something in this statement has got to me a bit” and the... way he read it was very alarming and very..... Not His Voice. it worries me a LOT that something about these statements seems to be getting into him and ESPECIALLY that one

#lucy liveblogs tma #i found this in my drafts apparently i never posted it i think i was trying to get thoughts more coherently put together but #i think this is as good as its gonna be for now :')#i am so behind... i am so behind. one day i will catch up

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survivorkomnata · 6 years ago

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Episode #3: "I’m probably the biggest threat rn because I’m gay" - Isaac

My tribe seems to hate me so that’s amazing. I understand the sentiment behind it or lack thereof. Whatever though it just seems counterproductive to blast me like that when I, and the other tribe who chooses who goes to exile, can see it.

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Welp, we lost again, but last night I ended up getting rid of Shea who could have been a threat to my game and proved to be very strategic so good riddance. Right now Imm in an alliance with Fede, Stephen, Luke and Jake. And we will have to either decided to eliminate TJ or Alyssa and tbh i’m leaning more towards Alyssa but idrc tbh.

We won the challenge!!!!! Woot woot. Me and Jess have made it to 61 on the idol search! We're gettin close kids! We also strategically chose to send ratboy back to the basement!! He may find some advantage there but at least that makes tribal more difficult for everyone else!

we won immunity ✨ im so excited because tribals are stressful and now im not sure what would happen if we did attend. i feel pretty safe with the connections ive made as of this point buttttt as always, you never know.

i think there may be a swap tomorrow. it said a live challenge and all but im not rlly sure... maybe both??? swap at 14 seems reasonable too but i feel like itd be too long. but yawls could do that and then merge at 11 or smthing. either or, if we do, i hope im not swapfucked LOL.

also fuck the idol system. its so hard 4 me likeeee i always only last two steps before BZZT’ing. 😔

And so starts another round of "how the hell do I keep my name out of people's mouths?" Right now, I think the obvious vote would be to do Miguel, but there's still a lot of question in that. So do I want to make that move and be the driving force behind it, or should I play more conservative to guarantee what just happened to Shea doesn't happen to me.

Dear Confessional, I am writing to you today to confess my sins.

I really want Daniel GONE. I thought he would be someone on my side since he's the only person aside from Tim I knew prior to this game. However, he's super underwhelming. He's busy so I understand but the effort just ISN'T there. I've been trying to build some sort of connection based on our prior relationship and it's just stale. Tim expressed that he had some interests in targeting him to if we lose so I hope that time comes because HOMEBOY HAS GOTS TO GO. Him and TJ WILL work together and that won't be good for me. TJ ain't no bitch. He's gonna target me as soon as he can because of Guyana.

Speaking of Guyana.. Tim! I love Tim. I'm really enjoying getting to know Tim but he's acting so paranoid lately. Today he asked me ONCE AGAIN not to share our idol search.. Why would I do that? 1. It decreases MY CHANCES at an idol. 2. I don't have anyone on this tribe I like enough to help find an idol with BUT TIM. I know he has his doubts about me and that's ONLY normal but I hope those doubts sink like the Titanic SOON.

Tim and I are getting CLOSE in that idol search. We are half-way there. I know he's going to try and make sure I go before him in these searches to see how far I've gotten. It's going to be a mess whenever one of us gets close to the idol. I'm kind of regretting agreeing to idol search with him because that idol isn't going to JUST BE my idol and I'm a greedy bitch.

Do I think a swap will happen? Probably. I can see it happening if our tribe wins one again. Am I prepared for it? NOT AT ALL. I kind my new tribe. My new tribe makes me feel safe. I am safe when I am away from TJ and Alyssa.

So I just found the hidden immunity idol and I’m like ????? SHOOK???? Like in the game right now I’m probably the biggest threat rn because I’m gay but ALSO because I’ve been to the basement the most. Tbh Blame my fucking idiot tribe. They legitimately blasted my ass in a public place where the other tribe could see? Like OF COURSE they’re going to send me back after that. I can’t let anyone know that I have the idol. Some secrets just have to be taken to the grave. I can feel my game slowly starting to turn around, hopefully I can persevere and give the underdog story I’m meant to give 😔✌🏻 I’m literally sobbing because my tribe just HATED me and now I have another form of safety besides Takagi.

I am sooo confused rn about what being loyal actually is. I am not the kind of player who pits people against each other but rather the one who tries to keep his allies together to make progress in the game. I am only as strong as my allies so I do require solid,smart allies to enhance my game. I do believe I have found such allies in Zach, Stephen and Ally but the only problem is even though we have an alliance together there seems to be some mistrust and we are not working as a group. Ally wasnt interested on working with Zach for the idol and now Stephen and I exchanged notes to figure out that Ally has been working with both of us for the idol hunt. Stephen also came up with a plan which makes us stay one step ahead of Ally in the hunt and I am going with it so that I could build some trust with Stephen. I would have rather preferred us to be open and just worked together on the hunt as a group.

I am torn on how to handle things coz there is no other option but to lie / hide things from one person so that I could be loyal to another. I would like to be loyal all the 3 equally as of now but unfortunately thats not even an option. I do consider Zach as my #1 now but it sucks that I have to keep things away from him. I just hope I could somehow come out of this unscathed.

This seems to perfectly fit the Escape room theme of this game as you have lot of choices to decide from but you will never know which is the right path until you reach the destiny.

It’s a tough round for me, being limited during a challenge and potentially another isn’t good for me but I’m pushing through. I still have my alliance to fall back on and I’m hoping no scheming is going on behind my back but idk I’m getting some sketchy feelings from my tribe, this tribal should be interesting and show some true colors. Hopefully I can make it through to the next round and show my tribe that I will be there when they need me.

This is such a hard week for me after the drama of last round. Goddd I said I wanted to lay low and be drawback, but when people are so laid back it's really hard!! This might be my last confessional. I've decided against creating more chaos. I'm laying low and hoping that the alliance doesn't betray me. Some people are being quiet, some others are being VERY quiet. It's scary. If I leave, am I leaving this game with the head high, satisfied with my game? No. I should have played differently, I should have sticked with the plan. I shouldn't have bitten the bait so easily. Am I doing the right thing by lying low after last tribal? Probably not. We'll see. There are still many hours left…

My mental state is finally more stable and I'm less worried about school taking up my time, yay!

I think going forward I want an All-Canadian alliance, cause I love those people the most. That being said, I'm not gonna be the one to divide lines...at least not until whoever else voted me goes home!

So FUCK playing a quiet game. Usually my MO beginning games is to stay as quiet as possible but uhhhhhhhh it's not looking like the social plane of this game is going to allow that. With Shea popping the FUCK off last round, everyone on my tribe has been suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper fucking quiet about this vote. Like.... absolutely silent. Which is like???? Cute and all????? But it's literally 6 hours before tribal and we have 0 names out there for elimination. UNLESS of course mine is somehow being thrown around??? But I doubt it because me + TJ = Duo and I have heard TJ is a VERY loyal ally. We've done nothing around camp to indicate that we're close so I wouldn't be surprised if they went to him with a plan to get me out. And I also have faith that if TJ knew of a potential plan to get me out, he would tell me. We just need a jump on a name at this point. So insert MYSELF. We have 5 people on this tribe and TJ is 100% on my side. I feel safe with Stephen and Jake, and that's majority for me. So I'm literally gonna be like that pots and pans lady like "I AIN'T GET NO SLEEP CUZ OF Y'ALL, Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA GET NO SLEEP CUZ OF ME" and be loud as F U C K about who I want out and where I want this game going. Like tbh.... I'm not even 100% on the name I'm throwing around? We just need SOMETHING that isn't me or TJ. And the bottom of the list on our tribe for me is Miguel sooooooooo ya know here I go. TJ is 100% on board, Jake seems like he is, and Fed is giving some push back. I think ultimately Stephen will do whatever TJ and I ask and if jake is on board, we don't need fed anyway. Let's just hope no one's lying to me and I don't get turned on for TALKING....

also can we talk about how i'm the only woman on this tribe? And also the only one DOING ANYTHING. Girl power, amirite?

These past few days I've tried to lay the ground work to get this idol somewhere in my grasps. I figured out that Karth and Ally were searching for the idol together while I was also searching with both of them, and came up with a plan with Karth to tell a itty-bitty lie to Ally in order to make sure one of us gets the idol. I'd really like to find the idol myself since a swap could separate me from Karth, Ally and Zach which I do NOTTTTTT want right now. Ever since I started searching for the idol with Ally, I've become a little less worried about her/Zach/Jess potentially being a tight group, since she doesn't seem to be cooperating with them to find the idol.

Strategically, I don't really know where Tim/Liam/Daniel stand. I wanted to make an alliance with them a few days ago, but I don't feel like I really need to anymore, and they don't seem all that interested in getting super in-depth strategically in the way I want from my allies. I think if we lose, Liam or Daniel will be voted out for being inactive similarly to how Timmy was. Tim and Jess have at least been active socially and I think down the line I could work with them more closely. Liam and Daniel either feel really comfortable not getting strategic with me right now, or they don't care. Either way kinda makes them look sketchy to me. Daniel especially since he was in the minority at the first vote.

OK HMMMMM ignore my previous confessional... Either this people are amazing liars, I'm incredibly blind, or they really believe I'm not snaky.... what door would it be? Cause now they started throwing names, and they seem interested in having me voting with them........ Okayyy I can work with this. Now the question is... Do I lie like last week and continue with my pizza hut character (ty Shea for the inspiration) or do I become a good boy? Hmmm

Once again Alyssas the target, it sucks because she’s awesome but i get a “good player” vibe from her and that worries me. Alternatively I can pull Alyssa, TJ and someone from the Abscondants and vote out someone else.... or maybe I should just play it safe.

We won another challenge woooo. I feel bad I wasn’t able to help, but I have just been unexpectedly busy lately. I’m still trying to keep in touch and connections with most of my tribe so when we do lose I’ll be safe. But really there isn’t much to say when we win and all get along!

So today I decided to LIE to Tim about how far I got into the idol search. I just need to keep at LEAST one search ahead of him to secure this idol. HOWEVER, pretty sure there's going to be a swap either this round or next round and alll my beautiful progress will be LOST. I feel bad about lying but I can't SHARE the idol. This is a risky move because it could possibly ruin shit with TIM so I'm scared shitless..

Also? I have an alliance now? Of: Me/ Tim/ Stephen/ Karthik? oh? I'm down with that but I don't trust Stephen not to spill to others. But when offered an alliance you CAN'T say no? right? it's NOT POLITE.

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Ok so first here is my video confessional. I said 13 people left when I meant 15 but meh it will be ok.

https://youtu.be/8xbwx-pruN0

Ok so MAJOR TEA INCOMING. I just pulled a powermove by approaching Stephen about forming an alliance. He suggested it be a group and I suggested Karthik and Jess, my two closest allies as of now. ITS LIT. We're just waiting on Karthik to wake up before we make the group. We love a powerplay making King called Tim. I just hope this doesn't backfire.

thank FUCK shea got voted out... now i can go back to forgetting his unfortunate existence on the same planet as me. i wish i knew the tea from last tribal tho. obviously he’s a messy POS and based off tribal answers he came for my fave argentinian fede so... glad he went

here’s some thoughts about my Quest To Find the Idol sorry it’s a screenshot i can’t copy paste on mobile https://imgur.com/a/T9UccpS

as for my relationships with the tribe,,, i rlly love karth. he’s an angel. i like stephen but i don’t trust him. zach and jess r skinny legends. i had a nice chat with tim yesterday and he’s super funny!! the only person i don’t rlly talk to is daniel, so if we go to tribal before swap he’s who i’d want out for sure.

i’m kinda nervous about a swap but also hopeful. i feel like i have good relationships on my tribe and i also feel like i’d be open to making some w the other tribe too.

i’m gonna be high as hell for this 24h challenge so pray 4 me

20 minutes till tribal? Definitely enough time to flip on my alliance and change the vote. Yeah, its fine. its fine. definitely. So alyssa and tj had a dnm with me each, and now i feel like out of the tribe its better to vote out Fed, and jake may be the 4th vote we need.

Federico is voted out 4-3.

#escapenow #episode

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survivorcostarica · 7 years ago

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Ep. 1 - “Imagine suffering, imagine euthanizing yourself, imagine losing your will to continue on...” - Randy

i cant see pls send imitrex

i have a crush on cole, i'm in this game and virgin islands with him and i really like talking to him. he is really genuine and easy to talk to, i feel ridiculous for admitting this but this was the first thing i thought to confess about lol

I want to shoot myself in the fucking face what is my tribe?!

Cole is such a messy thot, Kevin is that but without being remotely good at the game, Arika and Julia are best friends IRL and 1000% will be working together. Louise is a fucking saint but that also terrifies me because I can't do shit against her without being a terrible person. At least Madison is really down to earth and chill even thought I've known her for two days and met her on Club Penguin. I don't know Bryce, Noah or the other one so they're 1000% my go to people right now.

Ohkay hi hi. My name is Bryan and I’m here to try and NOT flop at this game. Ok sooo. I’m looking at my tribe and i notice. My best friend Madison is here. Just kidding i HATE her. Or at least that’s what i will want people to think so we aren’t targeted for our friendship or whatever cuz we had BEEF in our last game. Um. Josh is also here. I was in another game with him but i didn’t really get to talk to him that much. Other than that cole and Kevin seem nice enough and are talkative so that’s good. I guess I’ll just be able to talk more with other people later.

Imagine suffering, imagine euthanizing yourself, imagine losing your will to continue on in an ORG you were last minute filled into. I literally hate this whole tribe so much, and I'm going into this game with the mindset that we are losing every single immunity and reward. When I saw the first three cast reveal posts i prayed i wasnt on the orange tribe. i actually believed and god, and asked him for forgiveness for all the sins ive committed and pleaded my case to on why i shouldnt be on this tribe. but, alas here i am. so its time to play i guess I'm not good with social game, and thats why i usually fail at survivor. I always have a good first few days, but then its just me being inactive and skirmming my way until my inevitable premerge eviction. But in this game im literally going to pull all the stops i can. I will start to set up my reputation as a good survivor player. And it starts here. Even if nobody pms me I will take this game by storm. Meaning right now its getting good with the influential such as Jay and Drew. They have a few buds on the other tribe, and working with them can only help me when we hit merge. i'm also going to keep Chrissa tight because she is just such a good ally, but its also going to be hard to protect her as she is such a shit competitor. But thats all plans let me talk about to cast Cameron: Love cameron our last org played together we made final 3, and he asked me to cut him. I will keep him under my sphere of influence especially since he said he isnt familiar with this group of players Chrissa: I also love chrissa. She can be a little annoying sometimes, but she always has good intentions. She is fiercely loyal, and thats something great to have in an ally because numbers are more important in survivor than big brother Constance: I don't like him. I want nothing to do with him. The closest association I ever had with constance was us two being on the same cast reveal post. And I'm far more than content with that interaction. He's from facebook, and that means he is going to stir the pot when there isn't any stirring necessary. He is going to make a move just to make a move, and if I cut him earlier the better. But if I can work with him, and test and experience how he plays this game. I do think it would be more entertaining Drew: I have good relations with him but really havent played an org with him. I have no intentions on backstabbing him especially in this cast. I do think he will either slide into the shadows, or emerge as the person calling the shots for this tribe. Jay: Same as Drew tbh. They're together as a duo, so anything one does the other will follow. I'm not going to beef with him Jill: I haven't met Jill before this. but she is the driest person i have pm'd in a while. Me and her are having forced small talk, but i dont want to lose connections with her yet. I'm hoping she isnt well liked or well received so she can leave. Reagan: Me and her have butted heads so many times in vls. If you wanted a fight. Its going to be between me and her i bet your hat. Sam: I dont know if he's a newbie or from a community. But me and him kicked things off really well, and I'm feeling natural chemistry with him. I'll keep him near my sphere of influence for sure. Roxy: Going against Roxy is such a stupid move. Because she's just going to waste her whole entire game trying to vote you off. She gets really bitter easily, and i dont know what the hell she's saying half of the time. I dont understand her game or her mouth so im just gonna let her be...

[12:25:40 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: dam stop tryna out do my intro do I have to add my likes too? tch [12:25:48 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: I like big BUTTS and I cannot lie [12:25:53 PM] Chrissa Bullard: lol [12:26:54 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: okay Ill admit idc about the size of your butt [12:27:01 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: even if you have a small butt id still potentially like u [12:27:12 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: but yall are gay so like what can a straight gal like me do [12:27:29 PM] Chrissa Bullard: hello sam and roxy with her butt equality [12:29:22 PM] Jill: if u wanna be my friend add me and SAY hey bc i forget to add people [12:29:53 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: and I say HEY what a wonderful kinda day [12:29:54 PM] Jill: also msg me ur pronouns thanks [12:29:57 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: you can learn and work and play [12:30:26 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: my pronouns are "my lord" and "your highness" [12:30:51 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: I said I was a she cause dan didn't take me seriously even tho imma hella serious [12:30:52 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): my pronouns are he/they and they are actually serious :) [12:31:02 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: oi how dare you say I aint serious [12:31:36 PM] Chrissa Bullard: your highness is serious do not get my lords pronouns wrong :P [12:31:41 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: :/ I'm the lord and the queen roxy herself [12:31:42 PM] Chrissa Bullard: seriously though [12:31:47 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: of course my pronoun is your highness [12:31:57 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: thank you ! see? chrissa gets it! [12:32:02 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: look I even have a crown as proof [12:32:07 PM] Chrissa Bullard: true [12:32:13 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: i trans-itioned from being a commoner to being a queen [12:32:51 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: also if i don't pm you its cause i avoid social interactions at all times [12:33:00 PM] Chrissa Bullard: a mood [12:33:05 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: and i haven't left my house in 9 days [12:33:13 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: apart from an hour once to go to the gym [12:33:17 PM] 👑 Queen Roxy 👑: i haven't recovered since i take medicine. its called coffee. it helps releave the symptoms of being dead inside

My tribe is probably going to be useless. Which means that we have to turn it OUT for immunity. Randy, Roxy and I are all attempting to make flags. I have faith in Randy's abilities... roxy, not so much. But she does have a good artistic ability, so I hope she turns it out for this. We can hope. We can hope.

Blah blah blah. Confessional confessional. The immunity comp is a flag making competition. Which means i can’t really participate. The one we have so far tho is super cute!! There’s a Julia on our tribe. I have to start learning people’s names. Ugh. Too much work.

I think like our tribe will win immunity, looking at cadejo’s scores, they seem like flops I mean that tribe is super ugly so ya know… cute is gonna devour gorgeous. Anyways Anthony is doing great at the flag I gave him the ideas, he executed them for me so everyone is great. Also i got this red KEY

I really don't like my tribe but I think I like the other tribe even less just from the few people I've encountered before or at the very least heard about. If anything though that's great for me because I have all of two or three people I remotely care about so I have no issues with taking people out.

RANDY'S FLAG LOOKS TERRIBLE! but we're going with that one anyway!!! even though its literally furry meme nonsense!!! so i hope to god i dont get targetted when we lose bc i made an effort not to be a grumpy ass beyotch!

ummm roxy said she and sam wanna align with me!! it's so early!!! I may work with Reagan bc we worked together previously I think!! Everyone else seems fine. I'm gunna msg drew and everyone else tomorrow or later and say hey I've been napping!!! Go team

I honestly think im going because peop le don't tell me anything I'm scared

[3/28/18, 1:55:57 AM] Drew (heuse1ac): "I love y-...ughch..." [3/28/18, 1:56:05 AM] Drew (heuse1ac): Cameron 2k18 im just gonna put this here ;)

Anyway. Here's some tea. Roxy thinks I talk too much about being in the hospital. Sorry sweaty, I'm disabled, I'm gonna be in the hospital. And I have the right to talk about whatever I want. ANYWAY, Constance, the literal loml, gave me this tea so that's great. I LOVE HIM. So we made an alliance of me and drew, because drew has a "bad reputation" (sweetie, you were the one making tasteless comments night one, let's not get it twisted here!!) We talk a bunch, we have good laughs, and we head to bed. I went into this round wanting to target Roxy anyway, but she just went painted a bullseye on her back for me!

This first round felt so nostalgic to me, in the sense that being gone from these games for a while allowed me to step back and revitalize the way that I play games. In the beginning of the game, I felt an immediate connection with Cameron. He is someone who has a really nice, personable outlook as a person and I could see myself becoming really good allies and friends outside of this game. I also really enjoy Drew, Sam and Jill. Drew: I was excited to see him in this game because we just met a few days before the game started because he flirted with me a little and I thought he was a nice guy in general. I haven't had the chance of getting to know him all that well yet, though he stated to me that he will not write my name down throughout the game when we were first added to the tribe, so I hope that stays as promised. Sam: We both come from the same community but we both individually transferred to Tumblr at different points in time. I don't know him well enough to say he could be someone I stay with for the long run, but I have had a few calls with him and he seems pretty straightforward about what he wants in this game and where he wants to go. I'll leave it at that for now. Jill: She is literally everything that is me. "I'm going to see my sugar daddy," "I am eating a whole barbecque chicken pizza to myself," "I need money" I LOVE THIS CHICK! We need to align and become friends for sure because I can't see myself without her! One smaller relationship I have is with Chrissa and that will require some work on my part, both game wise and friend wise included. We had a rough past on a personal note but we are working our ways around it to become friends again on a personal level, not even on a game level. I feel like if Chrissa is able to handle herself in this game with me the way she did in Arrakis ages ago, she should be good to go with me! The people I really don't talk with or connect with right now are Jay, Roxy, Randy and Regan. - Jay just hasn't spoken a lot, but that may be subject to change? - Regan has this huge negative perception that everyone has given about her and I'm honestly not about holding past games or whatnot against anyone. If she is as crazy or as ballistic as people say she is then that will happen on it's own accord. - Randy is..Randy. I'm not really putting a whole lot here. He comes off extremely weird to me and I'm not feeling it. - Roxy and Randy both share the same trait they don't mind expressing: their messy players. I'm not one to want to play with people who are going to knowingly make things difficult for me in this game moving forward. I feel like getting out people who tend to be wildcards for my individual game will boost my ability to better know the personalities I surround myself with. Intended Target: Roxy Reason: I had a call with Sam and discussed some feelings about the challenge for the flag that had taken place. In my individual opinion, expressing the idea of putting in effort for a challenge and then doing the opposite of what you said you would do, shows a false sense of sportsmanship and that bothers me. Roxy said she would make a temporary flag as a concept, but never did and constantly said "I'm lazy, so I don't want to do it." Adding on to the reason above, I was asked if I wanted to be added to a call with Sam by Roxy as they were both speaking with each other and I said I wouldn't mind joining. We both tried asking Roxy about potential ideas for the vote off and Roxy made it clear that Regan would be too easy to get rid of. Then came the critical point of the conversation where Roxy would bring up Cameron and Drew's names, stating that Drew apparently has a bad or weird reputation in the Tumblr community of games, but this is COSTA RICA not any other game. She also stated in regards to Cameron word for word that, "I just think Cameron talks about themselves too much in the main chat, and that brings people to feel for them more, and that makes them look bad" and this was in relation to when Cameron stated he was in the hospital. I found that to be extremely bothersome because otherwise, Cameron has never talked about himself constantly or anything like that. My intentions are to pull myself, Drew, Cameron, Jill, Sam and Jay to vote out Roxy. I started the idea when I asked Sam on call blatantly and he agreed and I calmly took it by step. That's all I have folks! I hope this works out and if for some odd reason I go home first, well then it was fun while it lasted!

Okay so I need to catch yall up on how shit can turn into bliss SO reward I literally ate shit in. i scored to lowest out of everybody in the whole cast. Making myself inferior to competition flops like Chrissa. So that wasnt really well. However my soccial game has been stepping up. Even though im lacking a little bit in the pm part of my game. I have been having good chemistry with literally everybody in the tribe chat. I have also led us in the flag immunity. So me and Cameron made a flag. And the tribe had to pick which one, and it was pretty set even. I do think the end result wouldve been the same but it was nice to see people on my side and supporting me. So then we lose the tribal flag, and im literally yeeted away from the tribe. Which is really good since with this tribal vote i wouldve been thrown under the bus. allegedely roxy has been throwing names around, and had i stayed in the tribe it might of been my name that was thrown around since it was my flag that lost. so im happy to avoid the drama of the first vote. but now that people have bonded since roxy's polarization im starting to become more outcasted. I just need go stronger for immunities and amp up my social game even more. Since ive been to the other tribe I have a feeling on whats happening. Cole is aligned with all them bitches. Literally Madison Louise are people he's played with before, and when we talked in pms he said this tribe is full of his friends. He is very safe in his tribe which is really nice. Since the League of Gays need to work together at the merge : ~)

#survivorcostarica

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survivorathena-allstars · 7 years ago

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Episode #11: “I Love a Good Heist” ~ Will

It fucking worked and I want to redact everything bad I just said.

i'm none of them saying anything to me yet and I'm also me not seeing this coming when Will was all of a sudden not in favor of the telling duncan to idol plan lmaoooo gg

is no one going to message me!! i am so freaking upset right now and i kinda just want to explode but really no one is going to try to justify themselves to me, i'm a little disappointed tbh and i got to learn how to win a fucking immunity for once

AMANDA AND HER MOTHER ARE ICONS I JUST GOT MY SECOND IDOL, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS

I'm so mad right now I want to SCREAM, why the HECK did I get that many votes, something isn't adding up and I'm just so frustrated. Also who made me the glee parchment, if you're reading this TELL ME it was the only thing good about tonight I am really just SO DONE WITH ALL THESE SNAKES. I'm being so extra right now but these people make me want to throw my laptop into the road.

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Cameron told Emily to vote Duncan :) We love a snake within our alliance :) I love a good heist :)

emily is a queen again btw, I love her

i don't know why i'm so salty

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HOLY CRAP WE DID THAT! Duncan didn't play his idol and I'm literally crying. We killed one of the biggest threats in the game. And I was behind it. What. the. fuck.

fskhjf god the lady at the dining hall asked me how i was and on the outside i was like "good" but on the inside im like "playing virtual editions ofr trash reality shows on the internet with strangers I have never met has left me feeling like i want to cry bc ppl lied to me have u ever been lied to how did u get over it and also can i please have some chicken nuggets" jesus and then someone talked to me and i didnt know how to respond bc i was having an EPISODE in the dining hall it's fine this is fine ________________________________________________________________ let the ass kissing begin

I'm gonna confess tomorrow, but I have become aware.... of some shady stuff, and am now in a really good spot... or at least I think I am

OH MY GAWD NO IDOL PLAY. ARE YOU MCFUCKIN KIDDING ME!? I dont want to say that I am large in part why Duncan is @ Ponderosa right now BUT WIG WOW IS THIS THE BIGGEST MOVE IVE EVER MADE IN A GAME OR WHAT. ALSO i'm here for weasel discourse: [1/11/18, 10:48:07 PM] Dana Barry: because clearly we both bein sneaky weasels [1/11/18, 10:48:54 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): kfashj who the bigger weasel [1/11/18, 10:49:01 PM] Dana Barry: OWEN PLEASE [1/11/18, 10:49:12 PM] Dana Barry: LETS NOT COMPARE WEASEL SIZES [1/11/18, 10:49:15 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): OMFG [1/11/18, 11:12:14 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): I’m gonna go eat now I’ll be back later [1/11/18, 11:31:53 PM] Dana Barry: pls eat my weasel friend ________________________________________________________________ https://vine.co/v/hWVwWE6UFqa/embed/simple Me when the people of this game give my dumb ass power and I crave more because I'm a goblin.

This was recorded before the vote im SORRY im a flop

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It's time to strike at Owen. He's onto us. We're making big moves left and right, and he knows that we're going to get targeted as threats soon if we're not careful. He said we have to get rid of Ruthie and Kevin, otherwise people are going to start thinking about taking them to the end. Of course, that's my plan. I think I want to sit with Ruthie and Ali/Dana at the end. Will, Emily, or Owen would surely beat me. I'm here, masterminding moves, deciding whether or not someone easy goes home, and someone is going to target me soon. My idol can only save me for one round, and I need to make sure it's a good one. Lily was a good move. Duncan was a better move. Owen could potentially be the best move. Then I know my core four is completely loyal to me and only me. This is my ideal boot list now: Owen (10th) Ashvika (9th) Kevin (8th) Zach (7th) Emily (6th) Will (5th) Dana (4th) And then a final three of Ruthie (3rd), Ali (2nd), and myself (1st!) That's all. Love you. It's time for me to go focus on winning again.

Boy I'm mad. Duncan was the one person who I could put some trust in--and even then there wasn't much--and now he's dead. Now I feel like my game's already gone through the gutter and there's no hope left. Shoutout to Ali and Cameron specifically for both telling me "Oh yeah I'm sorry for not keeping you in the loop at the first vote, I promise I'll do it this time?" Then, what did they do? Not that. I'm...mediocrely okay with Ali because like Ali's nice and a sweetheart (actually I'm kinda mad at Ali because I pm'd him asking what happened like immediately after tribal and he never responded even though he's talked multiple times in the tribe chat...wig). But Cameron??? This is the third time. We've voted together once, at the Madison tribal, even though you've told me multiple times you want to work with me. I was okay with being 'left in the dark' with the Lily vote because I wasn't actually in the dark. I feel like this was a chance for him to prove his word to me, that you do want to work with me. This was the chance to make or break my trust. And both times I've come to him before the vote and he's basically said 'oh yeah it's still this way like we said haha.' And then??? It isn't lmao. Like if you don't want to work with me, cool! I understand that the game rolls out that way! But don't come to me with fake promises then, saying you want to work with me, only to actually vote with me 3/4 times. At some point no amount of apologies will make up for your actions. I don't know if I've reached that breaking point, but it's getting close. I get that I started the merge on the wrong foot, and that I should've voted Lily instead and sticking with Ruthie was a mistake. I know I got myself into this mess but I'm just annoyed and frustrated. I've been perfectly honest with everyone about who I'm voting for each round, and I get silence and vague responses in return. If I feel mad enough tomorrow I might try going for Cameron since he has an idol. Or at least like throwing his name around and spilling that fact. But who knows who knows he has an idol though. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I might get home which I honestly wouldn't be super upset at this point and I would get to be a bitter juror too!

I love Dana

I am an Owen stan again too, I love him. I need to confess more, because it might be big move season this round, but I also don't knowwwwwww. AHH, I hate this yikes. I just get scared by Dana/Will/Cameron as a grouping, with Zach and Ruthie is already 5, which is scary

i have realized i'm quite irrelevant in this game and basically out of the loop without duncan because all these supposed idols that everyone has keep popping up left and right. i feel like my time is coming soon

"Who do you trust the least" "Who is most likely to flip on their alliance" "Who is ruining their own game" "Who is at the bottom but doesn't know it" "Who is going to go home for being the biggest threat" "Who is going to be blindsided by their alliance" literally they wish they were as relevant as me huh ________________________________________________________________ Actually though, I am going to make sure every one of these comes true. Let's see here.... "Who do you trust the least" "Who is most likely to flip on their alliance" "Who is ruining their own game" "Who is at the bottom but doesn't know it" "Who is going to go home for being the biggest threat" "Who is going to be blindsided by their alliance" Flipping on my alliance? Easy. If they insist, that's what I'll do. I will reallllly make it clear that they were right in trusting me the least :) And! They'd better hope! They take me out! For being a "threat" because if they do NOT, I am going to make sure each and everyone one of them is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They better not feel comfortable for even one second bc if there's one good thing to come out of this, it's that I no longer feel comfortable at all and hopefully me playing on edge will end up better for me. I just had an hour long call with Ali and we basically like....discussed everything. I don't know if I can trust him, but I sure as hell can't trust my alliance to take me to the end, so what have I got to lose? I told him I know about his idol, which I think was a move to hopefully get him to open up to me. And he told me that the merge idol has been taken from the shore. I'm assuming Emily, Ashvika, Cameron, or Ruthie have it bc they searched there before Ali. Ashvika I straight up asked and she said no.... I have a bad feeling Cameron is sitting on two idols rn and I don't know if I can handle it. But I was like.... idk I said a lot of things to Ali and I meant them. He said he felt like he didnt have a number one, and I told him we could be there for each other. He has a spot in my final three now whether he believes it or not and I would gladly sit at the end with him at this point. But we need numbers and we need a play. It feels so soon to try to flip on will dana Cameron but like..... If we wait until next vote to idol someone out, and Ruthie/Zach are glued to them, then at final 8 it would be four on each side (assuming I can get emily and ashvika to be with ali and I, and Kevin leaves at 10 which idek if it is happening). So that makes me think like....okay so maybe a move needs to happen at 10 that puts Kevin, Emily, Ali, Ashvika and I in a majority? But it's so fricking risky bc idk if they're going to come after me or come after Kevin or Emily or....idk. It's going to be rough as hell. But I'm ready. I don't know if I'm going to win this season, but I sure am going to try my hardest to change it. ________________________________________________________________ (On the other hand I love Dana, Wil, Cameron, and Zach as people so idk I'm stressin mad rn.)

Here's my long confessional like always explaining the events of last round and then the progress for this current round. So last round was just a mess. I brought up to Dana the night of immunity results (congrats Will you freak) that Duncan is a threat. He has an immunity idol and a hideout advantage, if we don't do it at 11, he'll be free till technically final 8 without being targeted. In addition, it limits our options down the line. Dana agreed and said it wasn't bad, and ended up running to people with this idea without crediting me. Grrr. It's fine. Dana, Will, Cameron all excluded Owen in this plan and I believe think they orchestrated it themselves when in reality it was kind of my idea but they pushed it forward so it's whatever. I called Emily in panic because I didn't want to exclude her and little do I know that Cameron already informed her of the decision before I finalized mine. In the end, Duncan leaves 8-3. Post-vote, I am trying to reestablish any trust I have with Ashvika. I can sense she doesn't trust me which is completely reasonable and fine, but I am wanting to work with her. Kevin is irrelevant but I want to talk to him and form a good connection with him. Now, this vote. Cameron was my target. Will talked about how he wanted Cameron out to Dana who obviously relayed that information to me, and I think Owen was fine with doing it too. I am also trying to formulate connections with Owen despite the fact that he knows I blatantly lied about the Duncan vote and all. However, Cameron won immunity, so good job to him. This means that my target probably shifts to one of two people. First is Kevin. He's kind of an easy vote, a person who wasn't really around and is definitely the most inactive. If we need an easy tribal, it's him. Ruthie's another easy vote but right now is not her time and I genuinely love her, but I do enjoy everyone so I can't use that. I'm not sure how likely this option is. I think I could get it rolling if need be. My second is Ali. This is just because recently i've felt really distant with him. I think I can trust him, yeah, but from what I know Owen is fine with him leaving and it's like... yeah. I think Ali should go relatively soon. If the votes are on him i'm most definitely going to vote him out unless i'm frightened of an idol play. I am honestly kind of scared of the alliance consisting of Cameron/Will/Owen/Dana + Ali. It's like... they're turning on each other briefly. Cameron is rubbing people the wrong way, which I love him and all truthfully, but he is kind of aggressive with dominating votes and spearheading decisions, which I think is ending up biting him in the ass. I truly think he'll be one of the next couple of votes. Ali is like the alliance's +1 so if they can vote him out, i'm down with that too. Ashvika, Emily, Ruthie, and Kevin are kind of on the outs of that alliance (with me of course) but more distant than myself. I need to utilize those bonds to kind of renege the major alliance cause I don't feel like being cut near the end. No ma'am. So having Ali leave this vote, then Cameron next vote, followed by Kevin leaves a final 7 of Ashvika/Ruthie/Owen/Zach/Dana/Will/Emily. In this scenario it's like... it gets hard. I want to work with Emily, but there are so many people here that are such strong contenders. Owen, Dana, Will and Emily are all phenomenal players, and i'd love to consider myself amongst those people too (PARTICULARLY IN THIS GAME! NOTICE THAT I LOVE THEM ALL AND THINK THEY'RE ALL GREAT BUT IN THIS SPECIFIC GAME THAT'S MY VIEW ON STANDINGS). I don't want to be goated, which I potentially could be since i'm acting weird and dull this game, so maybe I could swap Kevin in the final seven and drop another big threat, like Ashvika or Owen. The people who I trust the most right now are Dana and Emily. I trust Owen to an extent, and I really like talking to him. Ashvika and Kevin and Ruthie are just meh, I don't trust them. Cameron is to a degree but he's sketchy. Will is just... ugh MSDGLKDSG I love him I think he's so funny but he probably hates me. Ali is trustworthy but I feel like that's relative amongst all. I really don't know who i'd like to sit against in the final three (or two but likely three). I've reached my goal of jury and 100 days so i'm content, but I want to win. I think my best chances would be against Ruthie and Kevin, but I don't know. Dana needs to go soon too. Like, maybe final 4-7 is when i'd love to see her leave because I bet everyone views me as her bitch and sure, I kind of am at the moment, but that's partially strategy. Everyone thinks i'm her +1 so to those that like her, i'm safe. They know they can use me. Then to others, i'm the weaker of the two and therefore they have no valid reason to target me unless they want to weaken her, in which case bye bye. This game is so complicated and votes are NEVER decided until last minute which is bothersome but kind of fun. I think I have a high chance of leaving at this upcoming tribal truly, or at least receiving votes, so i'm excited to see what's to come. Hopefully i'm still here but if now, it's been a great season and i'm glad I got the chance to return and hopefully make y'alls slightly proud wooh!

Okay lots to confess I wish I confessed earlier in the round so I wouldn't have so much to recount. So anyways, the Duncan vote happens, and it still makes me sad. I will never understand why he felt so betrayed by me and kinda continued to throw my name out there because I wanted to go far with him. Also I called with Emily after the vote and I already knew at this point she leaked me idol (which Emily *why*). I dont understand why everyone felt so betrayed by me, when I was trying to loop everyone in? It doesn't make any sense. Anyway, I called with her and we seem good again, and I do want to work with her moving forwards. ________________________________________________________________ I spoke with Ashvika and explained why I voted Duncan, and I think she is the person I wanna work with most now, like Id love to go far with her, because I am an Ashvika stan. Touchy Subjects was very interesting, Will guessed me for a lot of the negative game ones which suggests he doesn't have much faith in my game and I got who does everything think has an idol, blind to manipulation, who is gonna need to be apologised to, who is getting blindsided. Lots of very scary ones. So... I'm nervous. I'm also nervous becuase I called with Owen yesterday, and as normal, I said waaay too much to Owen, and while I wanna work with him going forwards, I also think he could easily say what I said to LWD and get me out. ALSO IN OTHER MC'FREAKIN NEWS: I HAVE ANOTHER IDOL. AND NOBODY IS EVER FINDING OUT. I am using the fact that everyone says I leak stuff (because I do) and "leaking" that shore 23 is empty, so that nobody thinks I have it. I wanna use the other idol soon, so nobody thinks I have one teehee

Okay the gag is Duncan and I apparently got found out or were suspected or something so congrats to them for sleuthing successfully but also according to Ali people thought Ashvika and I were close??? Which??? Isn't true??? I hardly even know her??? sjlks Anyways I love these Touchy Subjects answers they make me feel really good about myself. I basically threw the challenge because I didn't feel like I had a good chance of winning anyway, and I'm not really in the position to offend anyone lmao which is evident by the answers. Apparently people trust me the least even tho...I've told pretty much everyone who I'm voting for in the last round. On an exciting note people want to vote for me tonight! At this point just take me out of the game and catapult me into the sun. I'm ready for it. The one person I wanted out of this game won immunity so. I don't know what my plans are but accepting death seems like a good idea right now.

This jury is literally gonna be pissed at everyone so I need to start doing whatever I can to make them think we're close, that we're friends. I'll talk to Kevin about Netflix, I'll tell Ashvika she's a queen, I'll give Owen a backrub idgaf but I need to make sure Cameron looks worse than I do. None of them think Ali's done anything, and Dana...they think she's cracked too. The only person I'm okay with beating me is Dana and that's that.

Something good happening at tribal council? For once there's even a possibility. After chatting with Owen we're trying to start something. Him Ashvika and I all voted for Ruthie last round, so if we stick together that's 3, and we're hoping for at least 5. Our best bets are Emily and Ali. I have no idea if this has a shot of working tbh but I feel like tonight's all or nothing. Unfortunately we can't get Cameron. I tossed around Dana or Zach's names to Owen but like, whoever Ali and Emily (or whoever we can get) want to vote, we'll vote. I don't know how solid the majority alliance is, or who's in cahoots with who, so this is a very...fragile, could-break-at-any-moment plan. If there's any way of convincing these two, the Touchy Subjects answers show that they're not safe if they stick with that side. Time to actually talk to them though and see what's up tho ahhhh ________________________________________________________________ I told Ali Duncan said Dana said Cameron had an idol. Ali revealed that he voted for Duncan because he was telling people Ali told him about the idol. Ali then said to me "I knew he was covering for someone it must be Dana." The gag is I honestly don't know if it was actually Dana skdkdkf I remember her name in the conversation we had but like??? But if it convinces Ali then it works for now

Why did I put Owen to be blindsided by his alliancE? bc I’m his alliance And I’m gonna blindside him

So Owen voted for me not Emily hmmm Maybe he was the one that made the pretty glee voting thing What’s that paper called again? Omg yes parchment

I’m really scared for this tribal. Owen, Ali, and I have made an alliance and are talking about voting with Kevin and possibly Ashvika. I want to pull in Zach and maybe Dana, but the problem is,,,,, Owen and Ali and Kevin want to vote Dana. I want Dana to stay. I don’t know why. I think I’m just bein gay. I want Will out tbh. And I would’ve wanted Cameron if he wasn’t fucking immune but NO of course I have to be HORRIBLE at tie breakers!!! I’m really shocked by some of the things I got in touchy subjects like wtf man. You’ll enjoy voting me out? You wish you had gotten me out pre-merge? You have to apologize to me after this game? Interesting. This is one of those Touchy Subjects results that I realy wanna take notes about. Usually I don’t take them too seriously but I’m #offended. Ugh I really want to work with Zach but I’m scared of Dana and him being a duo sort of like how Lily and I were a duo I guess? Ugh. I don’t know how to like,,,,, get around that. There’s a lot to figure out about this vote. But I think we can get something going. All I know is that I’m not really feeling like voting for Kevin tonight. ;-) we’ll see what happens

I am LITERALLY a rat and I feel guilty but if this works out then it's fine. I'm fine. Everything will be fine. I need to keep people in this game around me and I'm gonna take heat for it and Cameron might idol me out but like....oh well. ________________________________________________________________ Basically the pieces came together, Emily Ali and I made a chat and we all like fkshd worked on getting Kevin and Ashvika on board. Emily thought she could play a vote negator to make it 5-4 but she cant use it yet SO instead I was like ok I'll try to get them to split the votes somehow and both Will and Dana suggested it anyways kfadsjh lmao so hopefully it's like..... 5-3-2 tonight. I wanted it to be Dana at first bc if it does somehow tie 5-5 I felt like Ruthie would flip and vote Dana but not Will, but maybe now Zach would flip and vote for Will idk probably not. Also I still love Will :'( this game will feel weird without him but he's a huge threat. So is Cameron and Dana tbh like everyone is lowkey trying to press their own agenda and I think they're getting weary of one another but....idk. I feel like I need to do this now bc it'll be me actually taking things into my own hands rather than Kevin leaving and me relying on dana or will wanting Cameron out whenever they decide. I wish Will didn't have to go and if this all blows up on me then fine but like...yeah. god. ppl are gonna be upset with me, wigs all around ! ________________________________________________________________ THE ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER IS CRYING BUT THE DEVIL ON MY SHOULDER IS LAUGHING im so ugly i cant wait for this to go wrong and then ppl laugh at me for being an idiot when they read my confessionals after ________________________________________________________________ Lowkey it seemed too easy to get will and dana to want to split the vote and now Ali has disappeared too? I feel like Ali spilled and now theyre all just gonna vote for me but if thats the case then oh well I was never gonna win without trying to get trust in people

STOP STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT good bye dana barry .

Finally a vote where I know what’s happening and the people that control everything... don’t. I’m excited! My first blindside where I’m on the like... right end? Wow. I love taking matters into my own hands. Will made an Azores alliance and I feel HORRIBLE because I’m voting him out this round lmao. And Cameron made an alliance with Will and Cameron and I just GOD at his is going to be hard because I could be ruining some potential allies... but also... who cares? I’m making a move, y’all! If it doesn’t work out, then so be it. But I’m putting my trust into Owen, Ali, Ashvika, Kevin... people that I really didn’t expect to work with all together but I’m thankful nonetheless. I’m also thinking this group of five is good because Kevin, Ashvika, and Ali will be easier to beat in the end? I think? Idk. I’m trying to think ahead as much as I can, and weakening Cameron & Co. is the first step to that. I feel guilty but this is what I have to do to win. It’s All Stars, Emily! ALL STARS! GET UR HEAD IN THE GAME!

I made an alliance with Will and Emily. I want Will to think he's my #1. He's not. I told them we're winning. We're not. Well... they're not. me: this alliance is winning Me: knows that neither of these two can make it to the end

Kevin is voting me yikes.com. I'm getting idoled out yall and it has been fun. Ashvika and Kevin have idols and I get majority = HELP ME PLEASE AMERICA. I'm on call with ASHVIKA and she says THEY ARE VOTING OUT WILL. WHAT DO I DO PLEASE. AND APPARENTLY IF THEY DONT VOTE FOR WILL THEY ARE VOTING FOR ME. If this is all a scare tactic.... it sure is working!!!! More to come later I have 20 minutes to entirely flip this vote ladies. Mama IS staying tonight know that!

OKAY SO! I voted for Ashvika. Why? Well, two or three reasons. 1. I've voted in the majority. Every time. I can't do that. I will become a target and I want to look like I'm being bobo the fool. 2. If someone (Ashvika) plays an idol on Kevin, it burns her. Also, it protects us (Me, Ali, Dana, Will, but the latter 3 because I'm safe) in the event that someone does idol Kevin. Also, I'm so glad I won immunity. It's a bad time for me personally and this made everything easier. Thank you, survivor gods. Thank you.

kevin and ashvika couldnt keep their mouths shut and now I'm getting idoled out. it's been real xoxoxo

I'm literally about to go home, but at least if I do I was able to crack the code and see it coming first. Kinda like Margaery in GoT, she saw it coming but she was just a little too late to stop it. ________________________________________________________________ Well I mean like I called it so y'all aren't as slick as you thought, there just really wasn't anything I could do. I got outplayed by snakes who were willing to throw away the last ounces of respect I had for them, but like I would've done the same and just been more respectful about it. And if you think writing "I hope it's a tie" in your voting confessional absolves you of anything you gotta like...use your brain sorry, if you don't want someone to go home you don't vote for them - it's not that hard! But it's been a fun game and this isn't the last of me (sorry if you wanted it to be). Cast me in your games more often I'm fun!!! xoxo

Will becomes the 11th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 5-3-2 vote, and the 3rd member of our jury. You can see Will’s preseason interview here.

#NotAllFunAndGames

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survivingjapan · 7 years ago

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EPISODE 7 "We're Just A Group Of Happy Campers" - Dom

Is it bad that the reason I love this challenge is because of seeing the suffering its making people go through.......why am i a hero again

Why is it final 20 but I feel like I've nearly made jury? hmmm? Anyways...I feel good with how I've played up to this point. Being 1 of 3 villains to never receive a vote certainly feels good.....but I still know I have eyes on me since I haven't exactly been SUPER subtle??? Granted, I totally thought they were going to blindside me in the Linus vote given my shady business in the Alex vote (I mean....I can't deny it, I was def shady) but they didn't! Although I would feel much better if I could somehow snag an idol....but I'm not sure how anyone could get one without an idol clue (that was likely received by pure luck...) so for now, I kinda just have to be vulnerable to a successful idol play by someone that hates me (aka Richie) But if Richie were smart, he'd be coming to people besides Tommy/Kage to rally votes against Kage (or maybe Junior?), but he hasn't yet, which makes me believe that either A) There's a group that doesn't have me in it B) Tommy has Richie controlled C) Richie just isn't smart Cuz right now, the only people I'd consider voting are Richie, Kage, and Junior.... here's to hoping I either master Japanese and scam this immunity or survive one last vote before the swap! VL Confessional: I used to think I was pitied upon for my flop of a social game but hey maybe I have one??? or not. i cant tell if these people just tolerate me or like me or are using me. fuck all of 'em. who knew a hero could survive on the villains tribe for so long???

So it turns out both tribes are going to tribal, which means I actually have to start thinking about who to vote for........... LMAO JK I'VE BEEN PLANNING THE NEXT FOUR PEOPLE TO BE VOTING OUT OF OUR TRIBE SINCE WE FIRST VOTED OUT MIST! Ruthie, it's your turn sweetheart. After ranking all of the people I want out of the game, you're significantly the most dangerous because you play UTR, and you make it super deep every time, and you killed All Stars from what I was told (until you got targeted for being TOO GOOD once it came to merge). You're not someone I can just think about working with because I'm afraid you're going to beat me in so many aspects. It's just a respect thing, no hard feelings hopefully considering you seem like a really stand up girl. I think it's about that time I message you with the "well.... time to go to tribal" message :/

So yea.... Ruthie is starting to spread like wildfire and already I've planted the seed in Drew, Andrew, Pippa and Steffen, and all of them are spreading that around QUICK. Drew and I got added to a bros alliance with Trace, Ashton, Steffen and Dom, which I wanted to happen anyways. Not necessarily with Drew, but Drew being in it is actually perfect because Drew is in my other alliance with Kendall, Alex, Pippa, Isaac, Andrew, which means the ONLY person not in either alliance chat was Ruthie, which made it really easy to rationalize with Drew as to why we needed to take that route. Also, making an easy vote this round, considering there's massive potential for a tribe swap next round, we don't want ANY split votes. We need to show that the heroes are one unit for now. The only downside I can see with this is if I get swapped onto a tribe with minority heroes, and the Villains would want to break up our cohesive team. The only thing I know is that if I go to tribal, I've got at least a second lease on life in this game because I have that idol with Steffen, so after finding the idol, I'm not too worried about swaps anymore because I know there's a very good chance I'll make it out of the swap alive. The swap is going to be where I start making bonds with Villains I've yet to interact and play with; like Junior, Richie, Jonathan, Brian, etc. Players, who I want relationships with, but don't have yet because we're on opposite tribes. This swap is going to be interesting, and I'm really excited to see it play out if we get the chance, and if we don't get the chance, it'll probably be Kendall or Alex C. going home next tribal council because that's what I want to happen, which means it's likely to come true. I honestly don't understand how people don't see that the name I want, I get....... tbh I'm pretty sure Andrew might be onto the fact that I wanted Ruthie gone, when Andrew wanted Kendall or Drew, and all of a sudden people going for Ruthie, it seems that it could easily be traced back to me, but I doubt it. I think i'm good for now, and I hope Andrew knows that he can trust me. Another thing I really need to work on is my long term relationships with Pippa and Isaac because I really haven't had as many conversations with them, but I hope that they both know that it'll be really hard for me to turn on them because they're so nice and also not the STRONGEST of players, which makes for a great goat late game. I'm not sure, but I'm just taking it one step at a time for right now, and if I make it past this one, I'm in the final 18, which actually seems like a big accomplishment just due to the fact that so many fucking people have gone home already, so pat on the back to me, but I'm not even close to my goal yet.

uh tommy is fucking hard to deal with because he seems so easily persuaded ...its sad anyways alex and ...linus (rip holy fuck) are gone...i wish richie went when linus did but if i have to sacrifice linus to get to swap then like..so fucking be it. so the tru hunties ( me, crow, jon and tommy) are now in a beautiful spot because the vote is looking to be richie or brian so obv we have majority now tommy wants other things so i just need to give him a lot of attention. TBH I love that boy so much but i can see why andreas says were similar.. because were both crazy and def on the villains for a reason. But im glad hes crazy loyal bc im loyal af to him <3 <3 <3 it seems like either ruthie or someone else is going on the heroes but kendall aka my gf told me shes in a majority alliance with isaac, her, drew, alex, andrew and pippa so i mean like ...GET IT. they will prob save ruthie?!?! because she seems to be like off limits always ANYWAYS BRIAN IS ANNOYING AND IM TIRED OF CROW LOVING HIM BUT IM TRYING NOT TO BE APPARENT ABOUT IT BRIAN IS IN CONSTANT ...annoying mode it seems like..hes such a snake he basically sells anyone out to get further and i mean like theres a difference between doing it to someone who ur not loyal to and who is not loyal to u but crow and i are loyal af to him (at least they think im loyal to them?) jeejejjejeje anyways i want richie gone but if richie has an idol?? then like...i mean idrc because i know i have one so im good hehehehehohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoh I GUESS that was my evil laugh dklfhjdskjfh

hi im secretly fluent in Japanese.

lol why do i always talk to people before they get voted out just in case they dont ... brian(but pat went instead) ash alex linus and now richie i feel like a bitch but ive been honest with them -but lowkey i feel like this is saving my ass in case they stay so they think im gr8 hehehehohoh plspls swap us soon also kendall is so oblivious about johnny she was like omg keep johnny safe like btich hes talking to all the villains and the boys on my tribes are attention whores so they will love him soon enuf...hes cute and his social game is on fleek so i need to watch out for him heheheoehoh

So, I just wanna point out that yesterday Drew told me he wanted to get Ruthie out. So of course I was the one to bring it up to the group so that if it comes down to it I can say that I helped push it towards Ruthie. I trust the group but lowkey if I get out I won't be shocked? But once this vote happens, especially if it happens the way I think it will, then I can have a lot more faith in the group I'm with.

https://youtu.be/wjK-9yevt_w

Me: jonathan told me that jr told him he only trusts jonathan LOL 🐦 Crow Jones 🐦: jr is literally such a garden snake 🐦 Crow Jones 🐦: like a real snake would at least do it better crow is so gr8 i love him..he still savage and will prob win over me but i still love him

So Linus died last round for no reason other than he was on the outs. But like challenge strength kiddies !!! And now they're targetting Richie to stay united right before a swap. Like.. get Kage or Junior or Tommy out thnx. They're the most toxic to villains unity and WHEN I get fucked by them non-sexually, I will be choking myself.

ALSO, I miss Jaiden so much. These people are kinda lame-os. I like them as people, but like 👀

Phew, I'm glad to have immunity. But beyond that, I'm really realizing that I cannot relate to most of these people. They don't show their true colors and it's annoying af. You wanna know what Crow is thinking? Ask Crow. like caw-caw bitch I'll tell ya! Richie is going cuz he decided to throw my name in the mud. nuh uh. that dont fly with me. since it's been a while, i need to do my weekly tribal roast Junior - Like I told Sarah, he's a garden snake. It's like the one you kinda feel bad for just squirming along in your front yard acting like some mean 'ole cobra. Not subtle or good at playing the snake, next. Tommy - Literally has the same convos with nearly everyone. His social game is that of a robot and it's definitely apparent now that I'm playing with him again. I just hope these other fools don't fall for it too. Kage - I don't know how he's still here cuz everyone he's made an alliance with has gone home (besides Tommy but Tommy's aligned with everyone). That's why I'm keeping my distance. Richie - We went our separate ways. He actually seemed chill until he blew up before the Alex vote. Hopefully his 14 seconds of fame was worth it! Brian - love this boi. I can relate to him a TON but idk how he seems to always do well in ts....if it weren't for people like Sarah and I, he could have easily been 25th this season I think? Maybe he's a mastermind idk, but I haven't figured him out yet as a player.. Jonathan - I love his realness, which is why I stuck by him when his name was thrown out and when I had to pick an alliance. He probably doesn't trust me for shit, but he's been a good asset to my game, particularly this round. Sarah - I wouldn't say she's my ride-or-die per se cuz I know she's werking her social game with a lot of people, but we've been in every alliance together so far, so strategically, I see us going far together until we are separated. But I also know she's a villain. I'm a villain. Villains don't work together loyally 5ever!!

BRIAN IM SORRY YOU DONT DESERVE THIS!!!! Ugh I hate everything. Last night junior came to me with a plan to save me and I'm like cool and whatever keeps me here idgaf I'm in self preservation mode. Junior says Jonathan is super connected in the tribe and I'm like ya true and goes on this long spiel about it and I just wanted him to get to the point but finally he was like I think Brian would be the easiest vote. And ughhh I really like Brian and he's been the most on my side since the beginning out of the people left. Like literally everyone that I have any game connection with leaves. Ashley Jaiden Alex Linus and now Brian it's enough I'm so over it if he leaves and we don't swap and lose I'm FUCKED. BUT IM ALSO FUCKED RN. So Brian leaving is bad for me moving forward the alternative is that I leave and there is no moving forward so like..... It's not much of a choice there's no way I can flip this game around I spent the last 2 rounds since Alex left trying to shift the target onto Sarah and that didn't work at all I have no traction with these people. So step one was I mention Brian's name to tommy and tommy of course was so ambiguous and like just prying for information and I wasn't trying to throw Brian under the bus but I just wanted to plant the seed that Brian might be the easy vote plus tommy did vote for Brian week 1 so maybe there's some tension there??? So from there junior went and talked to tommy and kage and got them in on the Brian vote so if they're legit we only need one more but that's where it gets tricky because Sarah/crow/Jon are all going to vote together and I literally called Sarah and crow out in front of the tribe and threw them under the bus with receipts and hardcore exposure campaigns to multiple people on this tribe lmao so I'm fucked But I went to Sarah and we had a long talk just small talk and socializing and then moved to game talk where I really played up the emotional aspect where "I've been so alone and I was hurt that I thought I found my people and it all came crashing down and I just feel so isolated and it sucks and I'm sad :(" and I apologized really sincerely and tried to smooth everything over and just like make it so she's not scared of me sticking around because if she's doesn't think I'll come after her then the plan for junior to approach her to vote out Brian is more apt to get rolling because that door has already been opened. I dont know if I'm going to still be here I can't play the in your face campaign against Brian or try and flip the script outright strategic game rn I have to just be in the background and make the case for why keeping me isn't harmful to anyone's game and let other people take care of numbers and I hate it when other people have any say in my destiny because if this tribe has proven anything it's that they can't be trusted like junior is SUCH a wimp when it comes to making moves he's so afraid of doing anything that if he thinks he's not going to be able to get the votes on Brian I know he'll give up on trying to save me so having him being the leader of the save Richie parade is truly terrifying. Ugh time has passed and junior is heckling out and I'm trying to convince crow now and I'm working my ass off while at dinner with my family and my phones going to die so RIP???????

http://youtu.be/9ptMGA9SUO0 oooo

So like nothing has happened on the heroes tribe because we've literally been on this huge winning streak. The streak itself has made things easier and challenging at the same time. We've grown so close that besides Drew or Steffen I don't want to see anyone leave. Had Drew lost immunity I would've tried my hardest to send him home because I have a sneaking suspicion Steffen and Drew have something going on and if we take out Steffen first that'll piss Johnny off, who we need as a number. So Drew has to go before Steffen as lon as they're on the same tribe with Johnny. Because Drew won immunity everyone decided to play it safe and either vote for Ruthie or Kendall and I think everyone decided on Ruthie because Kendall is on the edge of death and Ruthie is a huge social threat. I love her to death like she's the definition of a hero but we can't let her make it far.

I'm sad, maybe my heart wasn't in it as much this time as it was for me during Arabia? I'm not sure, I really thought I could trust Andrew, Steffen and especially Drew but I should have known better, fought harder and tried to make stronger connections with other people on my tribe. It was a fun experience and I hate that Richie, Alex and I left so soon and that the three of us didn't get to be on a tribe together but maybe we'll get a chance to play together again one day and the Family will make it to the end for real! Right now I'm not sure who I'm rooting for. Steffen and Drew seem to be putting out the most effort but I'm bitter that they didn't tell me my name was being thrown around. We'll see, I'm going to follow the season closely and cheer everyone on though!

#returnrevengeredemption #confessionals

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