#ive described this to my psych and she said

[ilovesjamesbb]

Please Don't Leave Me (Part. 5)

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Depression, heartbreak

I woke up a week later in the ICU of the med bay. My wrists bandaged and a tube down my throat. Steve was by my bedside. His hand holding mine. He looked tired. I tried to squeeze his hand and his face shot up to mine. I could feel myself falling unconscious again. 

I woke up and the tube was gone. I could hear people talking but all I could feel was burning in my chest and all I could think about was Bucky. 

“She needs to rest. She needs a psych evaluation before we do anything else” Dr. Cho said.

“Buc-Bucky. Where is Bucky?” I barely got out. My voice was gone. 

“Y/n. Oh thank god.” Nat was at my side now.

“I need Bucky. Is he okay?” Nat looked sad at my question.

“Nat what is it? Is he okay-”

“He’s alive. He hasn’t left his room in six days. No one has seen him. He doesn't eat. He doesn't leave his room.” She said softly. That was it. I’m going to him. I pulled on my IV and yanked on my heart monitor.

“Y/n stop. You are going to hurt yourself!” Steve said, trying to push you back on the bed. The heart monitor flatlined. I tried to push him off of me but I was weak.

“I need to see him.” I begged. 

“I need him…” I started to cry. The pain in my chest was nothing compared to the feeling in my heart. 

“He needs me… why hasn't he come to see me?” The tears started to flow.

“He thought you were going to die. We all did. I can’t begin to describe it…” I waited for him to finish. 

“I found you laying in a pool of blood with a knife sticking out of your chest, wrists slit. Bucky standing over you. I knocked him out and carried you to the jet. You weren't breathing. Thor dragged Bucky to the jet. No one could look at him. We thought he killed you he almost did-’

“No he didnt” I said, upset that Steve felt so deeply about seeing me this way.

“Y/n he almost did-”

“No he didn't. I did it to myself.” I said flatly. 

“ I couldn’t let him do it. He wouldn’t recover. I tried to kill myself. Now let me see him.” I said. Steve nodded. Nat proceeded to cry and tell me how it felt to see my bloody body laying on the jet floor and Bucky's unconscious one next to me. She thought they lost both of us. 

“I’ll be back. I’m gonna go get you some food.” I nodded, grateful she was leaving. This was my chance to get to Bucky's room. It wasn’t far. The elevator was next to the med bay and his room was ten floors and one room over. I just needed to get to the elevator. I stood up on wobbly feet. The pain in my chest was there but bearable. I was definitely on some good pain killers. I slowly made it to the elevator still in my hospital gown and I had to hold onto everything. As soon as I got to the elevator I grabbed on to the railing and pressed Bucky’s floor. Our floor. 

I saw drops of blood on the floor but it wasn;t too much. I must have ripped a stitch. I made it to his door and I knocked. No answer. I knocked again and again. 

“Steve. Leave.” I kept knocking. Finally he got up and ripped the door open. He went to speak but he stopped when he saw me.

“Not Steve.” I smiled. He didn’t move a look of shock on his face. 

“I need to lay down please don’t make me stand here.” He didn’t hesitate scooping me up and laying me gently on the bed. 

“You shouldn't be here. You need to rest.” He said concerned. 

“Not without seeing you-”

“Why would you want to see me? I did this to you.” He said with his hand over his face.” He looked rough. His eyes were sunken in and his hair was greasy. He obviously hadn't been eating or showering.

“I did this to myself. This was my mistake-’

“How can you say that! I put a knife into your chest. You told me this was a bad idea. I should have listened. I’m a monster. I did this to you-”

“No you didn’t. I did it to myself.” I cried, trying to grab his hand but he shook me off. 

“Stop saying that. This wasn’t you fault. How are you defending me-”

“Because I did it. I took that knife and I slit my wrists and then I stabbed myself in the chest.” I said bluntly. 

“I did this. Not you. Not anyone else.” There were tears in his eyes. 

“I couldn't let them do it to you, James. I couldn’t let you kill me, you wouldn't survive it. I did what was right for both of us. I made peace with my decision.” I said, wiping the tears away. Grabbing his hand and this time he let me.

“You tried ot kill yourself to spare me pain?” I nodded. He started to cry. 

“I can’t do this.” He said getting up. His hand left mine.

“Do what?” You said confused.

“Us.” He said composing himself. What?

“What are you talking about? I said it wasn’t your fault. It was mine! We are together, forever. That's all that matters.” You pleaded with him. 

“I can’t. I don’t want this. I need you to leave.” You stared at him. Tears in your eyes. 

“Jarvis tell Steve to get y/n she's in my room.” I kept crying. A minute later Steve walked in. He looked sad and disappointed. He looked like he pitied me. 

“No. I’m not leaving.” You said and you backed up to the headboard of the bed. Bucky backed up his back hitting the wall. 

“You need to rest.” He said and he came closer to me. 

“No! No!” You screamed. He put his hands under my legs and lifted me. I couldn't really fight back but I cried and cried. 

“Bucky don’t do this. I love you. You said you wouldn't leave me.” I begged but Steve started to walk toward the door. I put my hand on my chest hyperventilating. The pain in my chest was like no other. From heartbreak or the stab wound I don't know. 

“Please, don’t leave me.” I whispered. 

“I’m sorry. I'm so sorry.” I drifted off in Steve’s arms. Drops of blood stained the floor. 

“That was the last time I saw him.” You stated. 

“Bucky.” Dr. Daley said. You looked at her confused.

“His name. Bucky. You need to say it.” You hadn’t said his name since that night. You couldn’t say it. It haunted you. 

‘You didn’t speak for a week, y/n. You cut everyone off. You didn’t leave your bed or eat. That’s not normal behavior-”

“What was I supposed to do?” You countered. 

“No, genuinely, what was I supposed to do? Get up and smile and laugh and pretend my world didn’t end? I was supposed to joke and mingle and go back to the way things were? That will never happen.” You said angry. . 

“You're supposed to live your life. You survived, you are supposed to live your life.” She said, You could tell that this was the breaking point. This was the test. 

“What was I supposed to do when that life is no longer worth living” 

[wadesprincessboy]

TW: health concerns, doctors being assholes, vent / rant, long text post

Worried that i may be developing tardive dyskinesia- im on antipsychotic meds and have been for years now, i take a very low dose but have a lot of side effects already and now im getting facial tics relatively often....tho i also get other tics so maybe its some other thing, but ALL my tics are centred around my head/neck/face area. I should see a doctor but a few years ago i was getting vocal tics and facial tics and asked my doctor about it and he said it was just anxiety and its "common for teenage girls to think they have tics because its trendy on social media" so idk. Hes not my doc anymore but i dont trust doctors to really listen to me about my symptoms.

Also been getting migraines all the time, bad pains each month, dizziness, the shakes, and seeing stars and feeling faint and nauseous.....most symptoms of genetic conditions that run in the family, such as diabetes, and pcos, and migraines. Again, i should see a doctor but-

My GP is transphobic and fatphobic and rather rude and ableist which baffles me since shes a DOCTOR. Shes also my mums GP and she constantly tells her she needs to lose weight or have weight loss surgery and that shes not really disabled (she has EDS, POTS, fibro, CFS, amongst other things) shes just lazy and using "buzz words" from the internet (shes had these conditions since before the internet was invented ffs, she just finally has words to describe her symptoms since those conditions weren't widely talked about until recently)!!! The doc also refuses to use my pronouns despite having asked me in the first place or listen to me when I ask about medical transition. She also refuses to acknowledge my chronic pain and menstruation problems (cause of my pain, its constant, and so is the bleeding....also pmdd) saying "all girls feel that way" (um sorry? No? No other girls i know spend weeks with excruciating pain and cant leave the house due to pain and bleeding for at least a week per month if not more. No other girls i know end up in a psych ward because of how bad their suicidal ideation gets before their period is due.). She also refuses to listen to my mum when she peaks on my behalf due to verbal shutdown in the doctors office and inability to make phone calls due to it triggering shutdowns as well, she says im old enough to talk so i need to be in control (i am. I control what my mum says on my behalf. I tell her before we go in what i need to say, and she relays that. I nod or shake my head or shrug to her so she knows my answer to questions. I have a system of taps or sometimes text her to tell her to stop talking or say something further. I AM communicating, i just shut down verbally and cannot communicate to anyone but her when at a doctor appointment) and she won't listen to what my mum says, and asks us to leave when i dissociate and ignore all attempts at communication when she insists i verbally speak to her (at that point, nothing will work, because i feel incredibly pressured and then wont communicate at all to anyone, and often melt down or panic).

^ and no, just cant get a new GP. My current one is an hours drive away because there are none taking new patients in my area, and im out of zone for all the youth services due to my town bordering two regions. If theres any taking patients then its either more than an hour away and simply impractical to get there when needed, or it costs too much to get an appointment. Not to mention my communication struggles are worse with new people, especially doctors, and ive had the same doctor since birth so :/

I also dont have a counsellor or psychiatrist because despite having specific funding for it, there are none in my area! I had a great one then she quit, and the CAMHS one fired me for not speaking (??????) and again, new people? Hard.

Fuck I hate this and my developing health problems. I was healthy my entire life, like i didnt even get a cold more than once every couple years!!! I always had mental health problems but never physical. Now i feel like shit constantly. It all started with puberty which is also when yk, doctors decided that everything was "teenage girl syndrome" or just anxiety 🙄

[foxlightnights]

i think i said this but i finally found a PCP who listens to me and actually treats me with respect like a real person, not just another patient or case study.

there was even one appointment a couple months ago when i started getting depressed so i got angry and went off on her. i really didn’t mean to, i just got so angry and was arguing with her because she didn’t feel like chantix (the drug to stop smoking) was good for me because last time i was on it i ended up hospitalized.

but like, usually when i reach this point, i start getting called “uncooperative” and a problem. ive been threatened with security and the police, one clinic called the police on me but i got out of there before they showed up, i’ve been banned from three clinics, been discharged with no help.

but she remained very calm. she was firm, but calm, and she said “i’ve always listened to you, i take everything you say seriously.” and for some reason i just started crying, saying i was sorry, and told her how stressed out i was, and she was very comforting and nice.

i told her the appointment last week, how when i get depressed i get angry. i told her that’s why i get diagnosed with disorders i don’t have. i just have had issues for so long i feel empty and tired and i get angry and lash out, i don’t cry much or want to kill or hurt myself. i just… basically exist and do nothing while being anxious and angry about everything. i explained thats why i didn’t want to see a psychiatrist, they overdiagnose and i end up on like five medicines, completely overmedicated.

and she *respected* that and respected my request for an SSRI instead of an SNRI, even understood the role of norepinephrine and acknowledged it can increase anxiety and irritability for some like i was describing.

she even prescibed me some diazepam (valium) for a few days, didn’t accuse me of being drug seeking and understood that concern like “yeah, you don’t even want to ask! just forget it, you know?” the valium REALLY helped.

i also told her i was a trans man. she came in confirming the testosterone that came up on my prescriptions was mine and i blurted out i was trans. she went, “oh!” and told me women use it for other reasons too and she wasn’t even going to ask because she figured it was private, and just wanted to make sure it hadn’t been an error, but she’s been very cool about it.

i really like her a lot. she’s has more respect for me more than 99% of psych professional i’ve seen. she genuinely listens and wants to help her patients. this kind of care is so rare here, it’s the poor rural south. i really got lucky.

[rgr-pop]

okay my job is Very blue collar, can you talk more about being told to go to a… doctor’s appointment???? for inappropriate workplace behavior? is this common? obv not saying you were actually inappropriate. but if someone was homophobic at your workplace, hr can tell them go to therapy??? like a tumblrina scorned???

yes well i can do my best! officially i can say all this now Technically but dont rb but if you are in the field im happy to speak to colleagues, i had a disciplinary action filed against me for privately correcting a coworker for using the wrong pronouns for a trans girl student. she is on the school board and she works closely with someone who lost a city council race in large part because she had worked with bethany christian services and was discredited. so of course i very innocently talked to our director about how im soooo worried about her possibly being radicalized by this issue on the school board--have you watched the news? no? are you not getting the ALA emails....? so i had a conversation with her about she pronouns, she screamed in front of patrons that nobody can tell her what she has to call them. she called our student a karen. i asked my director to handle this, specifically said if you ask me to handle this i will feel like its undue attention as a queer person in the workplace please have someone else do it. set up a process for pronoun stuff, i found him some training resources, the whole thing. his solution was to force me in a meeting with this person in which she said that pronouns quote reminded her of being enslaved. i was not allowed to leave, cried, made five or six on paper and recorded on video claims of quote homophobic retaliation. the other person filed a complaint against me which means she cant face any disciplinary response. officially my report on paper you can probably FOIA it says that the discipline was for using the word homophobic and transphobic. well actually my discipline was for rude behavior in that meeting plus saying the words homophobic and transphobic but they found in my hearing that i was appropriately apologetic for raising my voice and crying but that i refused to apologize for saying homophobic and transphobic (they didnt ask me to but obviously i would not have. so thats what my report says. a little birdie told me that in the hearing discussion the words quote religious freedom were tossed around. its unofficially prohibited to communicate about someones pronouns in the library until further notice and ive been told they will get a procedure on paper next year. as a consequence for my behavior (saying homophobic and transpobic i face mandatory counseling. can they do this - i think yes but i really think its a legal technicality that has never seemed a winnable fight to anyone. my understanding is that it is probably common. what i believe is typically the case is that employers will partner with something called an employee assistance program. the employee-facing component of these orgs is access to mental health services as a benefit (in the case of me, in lieu of healthcare benefits(. employers partner with these orgs to offer those employee-facing mental health services while contracting the company for other org psych/HR services. here is one of the big companies that does this, based in detroit, who i believe does this work with state of michigan employees (who i am not( - https://hmsanet.com/managed-behavioral-health.html the employer contracts this company to provide employee benefit limited mental health services and also uses their services for various disciplinary, mediation, crisis management, probably also consulting purposes. in my case, im being required to have a counseling session with a counselor through what is described by the company and my employer as a voluntary program, but i have been instructed that doing so is mandatory.

interestingly, in the past when ive worked with union members who got this disciplinary action, it was posed to them as they could choose to go to counseling or have a higher level disciplinary action. i was expecting this to happen to me, but i was not given the false option. mandatory referral through your employer are the words used. im required to sign a release of information allowing the counselor to disclose information about my participation and progress and it appears that this will likely be in the form of a checklist certifying my compliance. obviously what i would prefer is to create an even more complete paper trail of them doing homophobia on purpose so were considering the strategy...

[chowtrolls]

Why wouldn’t Bru and Toresce speak again?

oh boy! Long post ahead! Also this is so jumbled i just wrote a 7 page paper so im not organizing this.

TL;DR: They got into a very heated argument where Bruuno was trying to complain about the shitty things happening to him (as one does w/ a quad mate), and Toresce made fun of him, so he blew up. There’s a lotta issues and shit, below there is mentions of abuse, alcohol, self harm, and suicide.

Like he expected it to happen but not to the extent in which it did. He expected a little sympathy. So:

Toresce got angry and was basically like “oh boo fucking hoo poor bruuno who has a mate and moirails and people who love him, everything sucks for the dude whose life is so perfect” (Important context: Toresce had a meltdown and Bruuno was there for him, helped him, and then this happened and Toresce didn’t so Bruuno felt EXTRA betrayed) and bruuno snapped because he was completely sober in that moment. When he’s sober he tends to get angry very easily which is why he drinks as much as he does. Its an adhd thing. But Bruuno snapped, like, was not thinking straight. Said some stuff he shouldnt have, sorta begged Toresce to kill him for a moment then called him a coward when he didn’t, then had to be literally thrown out because he would have tried something stupider than begging the man who hates him to kill him. And, At the moment in the storyline, Bruuno is AWOL ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Kinda glad I haven’t gotten any asks for him since his muse is still incredibly pissed off. He is very prone to saying something he doesn’t mean when he’s angry. We weren’t sure if we were going to keep this canon but I feel like its an important development in their relationship.

It is kind of important to also note that this is similar to what Bubble would do if Bruuno had any issues. Downplaying his suffering, saying he has nothing to be upset about, it’s what caused him to start bottling things up in the first place. So to tell someone he thought was better than Bubble only for them to act like Bubble was a huge shock, could even go so far as to say it was a trigger. That’s not even something he can explain to Toresce. He can’t tell Toresce “Hey dont do that, my ex did that” because Toresce will just make fun of him, dismiss him again, or so Bruuno believes. 

For a bit I thought Bruuno would apologize but the more time has passed, the more I know he’s not going to. He probably won’t speak to Toresce until either A. Chow makes him or B. Toresce apologizes first. Toresce just massively confuses him, he doesn’t get The guy. He tried to care, then that was too much. He stopped caring, then that wasn’t good either. He cared again when Toresce had issues, then that was okay??? Sorta?  Then He asks for care back, and that isn’t okay, so he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t know what happy medium Toresce wants. So I think he’s given up.

He’s tired. Not a lot of Positive things has happened for him recently. His muse has gotten progressively worse and worse, I know he’s getting depressed. I can tell he is giving up. I’ve been frantically trying to think of something good that can happen to him to lift his spirits. He’s heading in a bad direction. He has no coping skills anymore, he is convinced now that he can’t tell anyone what’s bothering him, he can’t be around Shiloh atm (for other reasons) so there’s extra guilt on top of all that. He’s having a really rough time.

I’m not about to do anything w/o consulting any of the muns who are active in his life (Like his moirails or his mate), but it IS in Bruuno’s nature to run away and hide so in the moment he is avoiding being seen, probably hasn’t gone to his hive, probably only talking to his moirails. He doesnt talk to Pictor a whole bunch so that isn’t too much of an issue for him, theyre really busy. He also doesn’t like to tell people about his issues, he absolutely hates anyone thinking he could have an issue. Not because he thinks he’s perfect but because that makes him less capable to care for other’s. He admitted to someone how he actually felt, someone who is his rival so it was kind of humiliating, and having that kind of response just killed a piece of him. When I think too much about him i can feel how ruffled his feathers are, how bad everything feels. But this is a new situation: He can’t run off and do what he usually did to cope (which was sleeping around as a form of self harm, drinking, or (recently) tussling with a kismesis), he can’t drink himself sick, he can’t complain to anyone he actually loves because Obviously they’ll use it against him or do the same thing because Clearly Bubble Toresce is right (/s).

He’s having a very rough time at the moment. I honestly have not felt him be so low in a very long time. He was doing really, really good for a while, and things started to crumble and now the wall has shattered and he’s left with a bunch of dust. He’s not doing a very good job of piecing himself back together and I am eagerly trying to find something that can help because I’m not sure he’s going to want to open up to anyone anymore.

Do I feel bad? Kinda. But I’ve been there, I know what he’s going through, I’ll get him out of it one way or another. He’ll be okay. If Toresce ever apologizes, they’ll be okay. He won’t be back to perfect but he’ll be better. I think he will -eventually- tell a moirail what happened. I think he will -eventually- get better help. MegaDad and Leo are trying (Because currently Bruuno is hiding in Leo’s hive.)

He’ll be okay.

[vendettacanons]

@maximuses SAID: “ i’ve got your back, okay? ” -> John to Kate

⚔️ Questions Prompts // ACCEPTING ⚔️

“Yeah. I know. Thanks, Chief.”

It was a strangely curt response. Of course, Kate was normally the stern, serious leader of the group. But when it came to John, he usually offered his stilted attempts at comfort a lopsided, weak smile and gentle bump of her arm against his. Not this time though. It was spoken so… flatly. She didn’t turn to look back at him, or smile, or offer any kind of further reaction. And while the senior Spartan might have shrugged it off with any other, it was genuinely quite alarming how plainly she reacted. He hesitated, drawing the slightest bit closer to reach an arm out. His fingertips brushed the cool skin of her shoulder before his heavy palm came to rest on it with surprising gentleness. Even as a thumb came to caress small circles on her freckled skin, there still came no reaction. Kate’s tired gazed still lingered on the window, staring bleary-eyed at the world passing in a blur outside.

He didn’t say anything for a moment. Truthfully, he didn’t know what to say. The way she seemed to be so shut down to everything around her left the soldier with a distinctly uncomfortable feeling in his chest that he just couldn’t describe. He could practically sense Cortana itching to tell him how his vitals were abnormal. Thankfully, she seemed to understand that the situation was delicate and was biting her tongue for now. Giving John a chance to try and figure out what to do. After what felt like an eternity, he tentatively asked, “are… you okay?”

Kate blinked slowly, finally glancing up at him. Her hand came up to rest on his for a moment, patting at the back of it gently. He knew her heart wasn’t in it though, and that did not reassure him. “No. Not really.” She answered honestly. “I haven’t been okay for a very long time. But I can keep going. I don’t have much of a choice.” The earnestness behind her words wasn’t very reassuring either, and for once, John found himself worrying for Kate’s safety. Not at the hands of an enemy, but at her own. The grip on her shoulder tightened a fraction in unease. There was something about her tone he didn’t like. Something that stuck out to him like a warning. He found it hard to try and speak for a moment; getting sounds past that sudden lump in his throat was proving difficult.

“Kate,” he said steadily. “Are you planning anything?” He waited for her response, each moment that passed seeming to open up a pit in his stomach wider and wider. His nerves felt on edge all of a sudden. What was this? Anxiety? Panic?

“Nothing new,” she answered, and John didn’t know whether to feel comforted or more alarmed by that response. “Just the same thing I always do when we’re on leave and my thoughts get too loud for me to sleep: drink until it all goes quiet.” She didn’t even look at him as she said. Not even when a wry chuckle escaped her. “They gave me a psych evaluation when I was initially discharged from the marines. I was told I shouldn’t serve again, but they wiped the diagnoses and prescriptions from my record so they could push me through to become a Spartan-IV. I never got any help for the flashbacks or the night terrors. So, I just self-medicate with alcohol.”

She sank down into herself, smiling weakly. “It’s not so bad. At least when I’m drunk I don’t think about things anymore. I don’t have night terrors or nightmares when I pass out from the alcohol. Jason tells me it’s dangerous to drink the way I do alone. Says it could kill me. It already almost has.” She shrugged. “But I just… can’t bring myself to care anymore… I’m so tired, John. I’m so tired that if I were to fall asleep and never wake up again, I’d call it a blessing. For me and for everyone else around me. After all, I’ve heard it from everyone by now; I’m supposed to be disposable anyways. So if I waste away from a couple drinks, I think that’d be an alright way to go.”

[hekateshour]

A informational Post on Hekate

This was done by Jude on Pagan and witches amino. Thank you for your contribution

As a devotee to Lady Hekate (Hecate - however one witch may spell it), I would like to share my research and experiences for those who may be getting signs from the goddess of witchcraft, ghosts, crossroads, poisonous plants and necromancy.

"...Hecate is a Goddess shrouded in mystery, for there is continuing debate about Her name, origin and character. There are few legends about Her, and no fixed genealogy. Some say that Hecate is the daughter of Erebus and Nyx, ageless Goddess of the night, while others believe that She is one of the Furies or the last surviving Titan except for Zeus..."

While I served her, she was a kind and loving goddess, but, at the same time... RUTHLESS. When working with Lady Hekate, you will be facing many challenges from deep shadow work, to patience and kindness. I grew up in a family who was harsh to me, and I knew nothing but how to defend myself and always kept a mean nature to those I didn't know. She taught me kindness and patience in my shadow work. She taught me my divination skills, every day, to this day, and taught me to be proud of my progress. So, I am proud. I do astounding tarot, oracle and pendulum readings thanks to my good lady, and I hope whoever decides to work with her, gets the same results, or even better ones.

"...HEKATE (Hecate) was the goddess of magic, witchcraft, the night, moon, ghosts and necromancy. She was the only child of the Titanes Perses and Asteria from whom she received her power over heaven, earth, and sea..."

Statue of Hekate as a Triple Goddess

"...With a torch in her hand, she accompanied Demeter in the search after Persephone; and when the latter was found, Hecate remained with her as her attendant and companion. She thus becomes a deity of the lower world; but this notion does not occur till the time of the Greek tragedians, though it is generally current among the later writers. She is described in this capacity as a mighty and formidable divinity, ruling over the souls of the departed ; she is the goddess of purifications and expiations, and is accompanied by Stygian dogs. (Orph. Lith. 48; Schol. ad Theocr l. c. ; Apollon. Rhod. iii. 1211; Lycoph. 1175; Horat. Sat. i. 8. 35; Virg. Aen. vi. 257.)..."

"...There is another very important feature which arose out of the notion of her being an infernal divinity, namely, she was regarded as a spectral being, who at night sent from the lower world all kinds of demons and terrible phantoms, who taught sorcery and witchcraft, who dwelt at places where two roads crossed each other, on tombs, and near the blood of murdered persons. She herself too wanders about with the souls of the dead, and her approach is announced by the whining and howling of dogs. (Apollon. Rhod. iii. 529, 861, iv. 829; Theocrit. l. c. ; Ov. Heroid. xii. 168, Met. xiv. 405; Stat. Theb. iv. 428 ; Virg. Aen. iv. 609; Orph. Lith. 45, 47; Eustath. ad Hom. p. 1197, 1887; Diod. iv. 45.)..."1

Greek Name

•Ἑκατη Ἑκατα

"...Her name means "worker from afar" from the Greek word hekatos. The masculine form of the name, Hekatos, was a common epithet of the god Apollon..."

"IT WAS A COMMON PRACTICE TO PLACE IMAGES OF HECATE AT CITY GATES & THE DOORWAYS OF PRIVATE HOMES AS SHE COULD WARD OFF EVIL SPIRITS."

The Temple of Hekate in Lagina, Caria

Hekate's Wheel

"...Hekate’s Wheel, also known as the Stropholos of Hekate, is an ancient Greek symbol used to represent the Moon Goddess Hekate. The emblem is a Wicca symbol, particularly of the Hellenic Recon and Dianic Traditions. Here’s what it symbolized and why it continues to be an important symbol in the modern age..."

The Hecate Wheel

What is the Hecate’s Wheel?

"...Hecate was an Ancient Greek deity, the ruler of the sky, sea and earth. She is known for her Triple Goddess aspect in that she goes through the three phases of female life: Maiden, Mother, and Crone. She is a protective Goddess who provides blessings and prosperity to the family. Hecate was originally the guardian of the crossroads but evolved into the goddess of magic and sorcery. This history of Hecate reflects in the uses and symbolism of the wheel symbol...."

Hekate Prayer

"...Typically, Hecate style wheels have a Y in the middle compared to the commonly depicted X. This difference is because she is associated with the intersection of three roads as compared to the typical four road crossroads. However, there are also other symbols depicted at the center, such as stars..."

Symbolism and Use of the Hecate’s Wheel

"The symbol has various meanings and uses, with renewed modern interest....

•The Wheel is a religious identifier of practitioners of Hellenic Recon and Dianic Traditions of Wicca.

•With the Hecate’s Wheel’s association with the three female phrases, each main arm represents a form – Mother, Maiden and Crone – which symbolize the three stages of a woman’s life. This makes it popular amongst feminist traditions.

•Wearing or using the symbol is said to invite Hecate’s blessings and prosperity into your life.

•The symbol shows connections to arcane knowledge, also known as the soul’s journey through life. The three primary flanges of the maze appear as if rotating and drawing the psyche forward.

•The three arms also represent earth, sea, and sky, of which Hecate holds dominion over.

•The Wheel represents the journey to knowledge towards center of the wheel. This is viewed as the flame of life and is a reminder that Hecate will help guide you through the path.

•The Wheel is also referred to as an iynx. It can be used to attract lovers, as a devotional wheel, or a divinatory device.

•When the strophalos is whirled over the heads of devotees, it creates a hum that the causes an altered state of awareness and drives predators away.

•There is a musical band called Hecate’s Wheel in Florida, better known as the Shining Wheel Pagan Chorus. They sing about the Goddess, love, femininity, and life..."

Hekate War Portrayal

Offerings to Hekate:

Citations:

•Cartwright, Mark. "Hecate." Ancient History Encyclopedia. Ancient History Encyclopedia, 22 Jun 2017. Web. 29 Jan 2021.

•https://symbolsage.com/hecate-wheel-symbolism-and-meaning/

Hekate’s History

https://www.theoi.com/Khthonios/Hekate.html

Hecate's Many names

[animegenork]

Fruits Basket Season 2, Episode 19

We are officially giving Tohru a round of applause this week.

Okay but in all seriousness let’s dive right in

I love what this episode brought to us, especially since we only just got to dive into Rin’s psyche a bit last week.

We start off with Tohru being classic Tohru and showing major concern for Rin, who is mostly trying to get the hell out of there before something happens. She specifically says she doesn’t want to get close to Tohru, which is explained better later on in the episode.

As a side scene, Shigure explains to Hatori what Rin is trying to do, which is, of course, break the zodiac curse. They both say that this is absurd, BUT! interestingly enough, Shigure makes a very intriguing statement. He says, “Do you hear that? The sound of breaking.” In a way, this gives Shigure a bit of a mastermind-y edge, which we see throughout the series. But this also shows off more of Shigure’s eagle eye perception, which I know I keep harping on in these posts. In some strange way, Shigure has wanted all of this to happen, and because things are sort of escalating, we get to consistently see this side of Shigure more, for better or for worse.

Anyway, back to Rin. We see a conversation with her and Haru in which Haru refers to Tohru as kind. Rin points out that Haru is also kind, followed by the thought, “I feel sorry for kind people.” We see a little bit later that she feels this way because she doesn’t want people like Tohru and Haru to get taken advantage of. For whatever reason, Rin thinks she is the type of person to do just that, although she does, in fact, love Haru. Naturally, neither Tohru nor Haru would ever think she was taking advantage of them, but that just goes to show how deeply affected Rin is by the events of her past.

This is true for everyone in the zodiac, in fact. They are so deeply affected by everything that has happened to them and around them, that they believe without a doubt they are inherently flawed beyond repair.

What we also see is the first time Rin saw Tohru before her first official anime appearance. She describes that seeing Tohru made her feel the impulse to hug Tohru and lay her head on her lap, which, in case you didn’t pick up on it, is a very instinctual reaction daughters have with mothers (most of the time). This reaction comes to a head a little later on.

During a moment in which Tohru checks up on Rin, the Horse demans that Tohru stop trying to break the curse. For the first time, we see a bit of anger (though it’s not true anger - more like determination) from Tohru as she insists that she won’t stop. She points out that just like Rin, she has precious things (people) she doesn’t want to lose, and so she will keep trying for their sake. This is the first time we hear Tohru raise her voice in this specific manner, hence why Kyo and Yuki are immediately alerted/disturbed to the argument (that wasn’t exactly an argument). This says a lot about Tohru; in general, she’s not much for raising her voice or being angry, but her conviction in this case is so strong the only way to get her point across is by doing those two things.

Rin ends up running away, but she doesn’t make it far. She reflects on how alone she’s been in her search for the way to break the curse, and she’s handled this burden on her own thinking she’d be fine. However, at this point she realizes that she can’t do this on her own, despite having pushed everyone away and purposely making them hate her. This is probably why her first response to Tohru appearing behind her is to hug her and say “Sorry.” (I can’t be sure if she actually said it, though, based on her quiet tone, but oh well.)

Bonding moment achieved.

For my friends who have not had the pleasure of reading the manga: Yuki’s comment about he and Rin having something in common comes into play later. I hope you took note of that, hehe. ;)

(I CAN’T WAIT FOR THAT EPISODE ;ADSJLFJASD;LFAJ)

I could get into the nuances of Haru getting attacked by Rin and her IV or Kakeru being an absolute cutie pie or even Ayame’s too-brief cameo via flashback. However, those scenes were pretty straightforward, and so I’ll leave them alone.

When Tohru goes to visit Rin for a second time at the hospital, Rin suspects she has the ulterior motive of talking about the curse. Tohru, however, had only one thing in mind: bringing Rin some jello.

Have I mentioned how much I love Tohru?

That funny bit aside, the two girls have a serious conversation about the curse. Tohru learns that Akito’s role as “god” is only part of the curse itself - she says the “bond” between “god” and the animals is the curse itself. Rin points out that the zodiac spirits themselves remember this bond, but the family itself is unclear on why this bond is so important. This will make their efforts to break the curse a little harder.

Tohru wants to ask Kureno, and she gets all fired up to do so, but Rin holds her back. When it was just her trying to break the curse, she was willing to put herself in danger. With Tohru involved, that’s not an option. This really speaks to how much their budding friendship affects them both, and it’s a really sweet realization.

Now, the most interesting part of the episode comes in the form of a seemingly innocent question. Rin asks Tohru “What is most precious to you?” Us viewers expect Tohru to give her mother as an answer, but instead, she freezes. We won’t get to see the exact reason, though there are some hints throughout the past couple weeks as to what Tohru’s confusion is.

That night, Tohru has a nightmare about the day her mother died. Meanwhile, Rin reflects on their interaction and silently wishes that Tohru finds someone like Haru to open the “closed door” in her heart. Though Tohru wears her heart on her sleeve, there are some things we don’t see from her, as evidenced by the memory she returns to of the time after her father’s death (that is, her mother disappearing for a while).

And with that, friends, I leave you with one of the closing lines of the episode:

“Because someone who knows how scary it is to be alone... can’t help but love others.”

Is this a summation of Tohru’s great love for everyone she meets? Perhaps. Or maybe it’s one of the many themes Takaya wishes to drive home in us.

I can’t say what we’re getting next week. I couldn’t for the life of me recognize the voice, although now that I think about it, I have my suspicions. And they involve a certain kitty.

See you all next week!

[This isn’t as concise as it could’ve been do to a moment of carelessness in which all of my progress on this post was lost. My apologies ;-; ]

[ofelvie]

joe keery. cis male. he/him.  ／  elvie croft just pulled up blasting spooky boy by danny gonzalez  — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty - four year old youtuber, i’ve heard they’re really scatterbrained, but that they make up for it by being so loyal. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say 80s horror, buckets of halloween candy, and blurry photographs of mysterious figures in the woods. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble ! ( sam, 23, est, she/her )

hey there demons! *ba dum tss* my name is sam and i’ll be writing elvie, a brilliant harvard law graduate who threw away any shred of credibility he ever had in order to make silly videos on the internet. more info under the cut. feel free to message me if you would like to plot!

i. stats

𝖋𝖚𝖑𝖑 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊: elvin tupelo croft

𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊𝖘: el, elvie, the ghost guy

𝖍𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖔𝖜𝖓: salem, massachusetts 

𝖉𝖆𝖙𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖇𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖍: october 31, 1995

𝖟𝖔𝖉𝖎𝖆𝖈: scorpio

𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓: demisexual

𝖔𝖈𝖈𝖚𝖕𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓: lawyer youtuber

𝖕𝖔𝖘. 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘: loyal, open - minded, exuberant.

𝖓𝖊𝖌. 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘: scatterbrained, obstreperous, impulsive.

𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖇𝖞: shawn spencer, psych ; fox mulder, the x files ; stiles stilinski, teen wolf.

ii. history

elvin tupelo “elvie” croft was born in salem, massachusetts ( yes, really ) on halloween day ( yes, really ). an only child, his father is the district attorney for essex county, massachusetts while his mother owns a store in town that sells witchcraft supplies such as crystals, herbs, grimiores, etc. fun fact: she’s the descendant of an accused witch, meaning that elvie is as well.

as it turns out, beneath of the surface of the few tourist attractions that it has to offer, salem has a small town, stuck in the past vibe. it’s the sort of place where everyone knows everyone all their lives because no one ever leaves and no one ever moves in. he grew up in this...eccentric...environment, living in the same house all his life and only ever leaving to visit his grandparents in boston. 

he was five years old when he saw his first horror movie ( an apathetic teenage babysitter let him stay up long past his bedtime to watch nightmare on elm street ) and from that moment on he was HOOKED.

when he started school, two things about him became apparent: 1) he was highly intelligent and 2) he struggled greatly with tasks such as sitting still and staying focused. he was tested, and it turns out that he has a through the roof genius level iq and he also has adhd, which he was put on a few different medications for until something finally seemed to work for him.

he could have been one of those child prodigies who finished high school at the age of ten and then college at the age of fourteen, BUT his parents decided that they didn’t want him to miss out on the experience of going through school with people his own age.

as the smartest kid in class with glasses and braces and an insatiable obsession with all things horror and halloween, he…was picked on. mercilessly.

so, he didn’t really have any friends...............................at all.................................but he didn’t mind. he was perfectly content to go right home after school and spend the rest of the day reading comic books or watching horror movies or researching local urban legends and paranormal stories.

he started his youtube channel when he was a teenager and it was…trash honestly. it was basically buzzfeed unsolved if buzzfeed unsolved consisted of one ( 1 ) dorky teenager yelling at the air in the middle of abandoned house at 3am, but it turned out that people found it entertaining. his first few videos were flops, but he would soon start amassing subscribers in the hundreds, then thousands, then hundreds of thousands.

so, when he got to his senior year of high school, he was a shoe - in to be named class valedictorian ( he was ) and he was even getting ivy league offers. at the same time, his youtube channel was starting to gain momentum. his parents mainly his father were really pushing him to attend college and elvie, genius level iq and all…didn’t want to go. he wanted to focus on his youtube channel, but his dad was absolutely not having it.

he attended harvard for both his pre law and law school studies, breezed through classes, graduated with honors at the top of his class and once he passed the bar exam there were countless job offers waiting for him. elvie ignored them all and moved to los angeles so that he could finally focus on his youtube channel.

it’s been almost two years since he moved and he likes it in california!

iii. extras

his name is elvin but basically no one ever calls him that. his own parents don’t even particularly like the name. long story. most people call him elvie and some who are super close to him just call him el.

while he is the “ryan” aka the believer of his youtube series, he’s definitely NOT a scaredy cat like ryan the poor guy. in fact, all his life there’s been this running joke that HE DOESN’T SEEM TO BE SCARED OF ANYTHING, and who knows? maybe he isn’t.

has the most cartoonishly exaggerated boston accent that one could ever hope to hear, except he doesn’t seem to realize it at all. 

10/31 blaze it he’s a HUGE stoner.

he’s got jokes. stay vigilant.

he’s OBSESSED with all things horror, halloween, and 80s. he makes a lot of film references that are often so obscure that most people don’t even catch them.

he is legally permitted to practice law in the states of massachusetts and california, so basically: he’s a lawyer! however, this is not at all common knowledge because...

most people don’t know how smart he actually is because he intentionally plays dumb and he’s really good at it. being high all the time and his natural chaotic energy is quite helpful in hiding his intelligence. he just doesn’t like to be seen as smart, so the whole once - brilliant law student thing? not common knowledge whatsoever. he tries not to mention the college he attended by name at all, but if he has to then he lies and says that he went to salem state.

and yes, he has SO MUCH chaotic energy. he’s the kind of person who will stick a fork in his microwave just to see what would happen out of sheer boredom. he has two pet mexican redknee tarantulas that probably aren’t even allowed on campus named freddy and jason who he just…fucking loses track of every other day. his favorite drink is literally black coffee mixed together with a can of monster energy and 5 ( f i v e ) teaspoons of sugar. he is c h a o s. he has absolutely NO IMPULSE CONTROL whatsoever. 

he has slight Daddy Issues™. slight. when he was born, his dad was hoping that he would get a star athlete kid who would go on to follow in his footsteps and one day become a successful, respectable lawyer but instead he got…elvie. he’s never outright said that he’s disappointed but he didn’t need to. elvie’s a really difficult person to rattle but every time, without fail, he ends a phone call with his dad and he’s in a bad mood for the rest of the day. 

his car is this PIECE OF JUNK giant turquoise van that he painted to look like the mystery machine. her name is laurie strode.

even though he makes constant pop culture references about horror movies and the 80s, but outside of those areas he’s completely clueless about pop culture. like, he can recite the entire scripts of the shining and empire strikes back and ferris bueller’s day off word for word, but if someone tried to talk to him about the new post malone song or the latest marvel movie he would just stare blankly.

he has a HUGE sweet tooth. his favorite food is halloween candy and his favorite candy is black licorice disgusting i know.

he takes adderall for his adhd and he’s usually good about keeping up with it. started keeping them on his person in college because he realized that his meds were getting stolen and it’s a habit he's held onto that doesn’t really keep his shit from getting stolen.

.he’s good at…A LOT of things because he’s a really fast learner. he can play the guitar, he can draw, he did drama in high school. he just has to watch someone do something once and then he can usually immediately do it himself. this skill doesn’t extend to physical activities such as sports, however. he’s terrible at those.

he’s basically a cartoon character

iv. wanted connections

friends

cousin  ( their grandparents would probably be from boston but otherwise anything really goes for this )

his weed dealer lmao

smoking buddies

people who don’t like him / find him annoying

has stolen his adderall

maybe someone who knows how smart he really is

exes and flings

( these are just ideas and i’m trash at coming up with these, so please don’t feel limited by what’s listed here. )

[mercifuldeaths]

The Heat that Drives the Light

Michael Langdon x Reader

Summary: Michael hasn’t been himself having to literally carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. Because Michael hasn’t been okay, you haven’t been either. 

Notes: Just a blurb that got out of hand. Was originally supposed to be really smutty and about distracting Michael while he worked...but this came out of that. I think it’s a little more interesting to take down the walls that Outpost!Michael puts up and get a little more into his psyche. Sorry it’s a bit sad and not smutty at all, but I hope you enjoy, nonetheless. 

Warnings: Sad cockwarming. Because apparently I’ve made that a thing. 

Word Count: 3K

Credit to @yourkingcodyfern​ for the beautiful gif.

Being underground was suffocating. The walls closing in, high ceilings not doing enough to clear the air and you felt the dust settling in your lungs. Outpost Three had become something strange to you. Having spent happier times there with Michael when things were simpler placed fond memories in certain corners where he had hiked up your skirt or placed little nips on your neck. But now, it reeked of desolation.

Sure, there were the Sanctuary candidates, but did they really matter? Gone were the warlocks that Michael had called his friends, his teachers, your mentors. All that remained were the near-empty hallways. Modified victorian dress rather than the Hawthorne uniform you liked to remember Michael wearing, his hair still short, and eyes still bright.

He had hit something of a wall. After traveling to all the outposts, each of them overrun, each failing his father a little more, Michael started to turn inwards-even to you. You knew it wasn’t you nor him. It was the stress, because that’s all he could be described as of late. He hid it well, you admitted. Perfectly coiffed hair, tailored suits, and a cocky grin on his lips all made up for the man you knew was crumbling under the facade. The crushing guilt he felt for not carrying out his father’s plan to perfection.

It really wasn’t that bad...it was just one of those nights. A night where Michael was overwhelmed and working himself into the ground. He had been sat at the desk in what was his former dormitory when he was a student. He opted to take that one, refusing another Outpost guest to take ownership over it. Sentiment, you supposed.

Regardless, he sat there since dawn, or what you imagined was dawn as it was impossible to tell in the claustrophobic bunker. He had refused meals, even offering something from the stash you both had packed from the Sanctuary, and only accepted coffee. Just something to keep him going. You knew this wasn’t how he had intended to spend the day. He was dressed in his usual tailored shirts and jacket, ready to face the guests. But he hadn’t stepped outside the bedroom. And on days like that, he usually would stay in his sweatpants, hair tied in a bun, and shun the world from seeing him like that. Vulnerable. Out of his armor.

He was growing distant. Again, not at his fault and probably rooted in your natural insecurity of the relationship. It wasn’t easy being the partner of the Antichrist.

You continued to roam the halls, anything to do at this point ,having read all the interesting books in the Hawthorne library ages ago. The other guests of the Outpost were asleep, mandated by Venable’s strict schedule. She knew better than to say anything to you.

Your shoes clicked on the polished marble of the floor, almost comforting you. You felt less alone, in a sense. The sealed corridor that lead to the room Michael performed his rituals in was slightly pushed in, reminding you that maybe he had started one. That’s really all he did. Work from his computer, work with the other Cooperative higher-ups, and work for his father under the guise of asking for help. You knew better than that.

It was maybe the third time you had to pick Michael up off the floor, blood still painting his skin and the floor around him, you asked him to stop. He had passed out. Weak from blood loss, dehydration, probably malnutrition. You begged him to slow down, to take a break. He couldn’t. He literally had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

You could tell it was getting to that point again, because it did ebb and flow depending on the state of the world, the outposts, the competency of the Cooperative that week. It was understandable. Outpost Three was a success in some ways. But others, a massive failure. Nobody was making it to the Sanctuary. He had closed the book on every person left in the world. Made his final cuts, and was now weighing the decisions heavily in his mind. It was extremely successful because it was still standing, almost everyone alive. And then there was that Mallory he was trying to figure out-sitting on his knees, blood pooling as he screamed for help, screamed for answers. You weren’t sure if he was actually asking his father for help or just needed to scream his frustrations. There was a feeling sometimes that Satan had given up on him, left him here to flounder until everyone on the earth, including Michael, was gone-given into the fire and disease around them.

With really nothing else to do, and nobody to talk to, you meandered back to Michael’s room. Even if you shared it during your stay at the Outpost, it would always stay as Michael’s dormitory in the back of your mind.

You took the long way. Passing by your secret corners, the library shelves you’d hide behind, the kitchens where midnight snacks were shared...anything to remind you of the Michael that stole your heart and soul.

You sighed before opening the door, not bothering to knock as he had probably already heard you. Preparing yourself for the image of your overworked Michael, a sight that saddened you just a little, you opened the heavy door.

As you expected, he was sat there, typing away on his laptop. The blue light of the screen cast ghoul like shadows on his features, reminding you of the demon’s face you had only borne witness to once. That with the warm light coming from the candles and fireplace set Michael in a strange light. Regardless, it accentuated the stress hiding in his shoulders, between his brows, his tightened lips.

He didn’t look up, but did spare a, “Hi, my dove,” as you headed over to the bed. Changing course, you decided to walk over to him, your Antichrist who seemed so small lately. Feeling a little selfish, you ran your fingers through his hair, something you knew would distract him but also something you needed.

It had taken a toll on you, the only person you really trusted, to abandon you, in a sense. You just wanted to feel him. Touch him. And judging by the way his typing slowed and he leaned into it, you suspected he needed the same. His eyes closed lazily, sleepily, as he rested his cheek against your palm. You rubbed soothing circles into his cheekbone, admiring the beautiful face that was hidden under the layers of stress, under the pressure put on him. When he was himself, his face was soft-no tension, pure radiance. Eyes not shooting daggers, no snarling lip, venom in his voice. Just a man who was forced to grow up too fast, thrown the world to carry, and nobody to help him hold it.

You’d said it a million times to him, but it didn’t stop you from muttering a small, “You work too hard, Michael,” while still stroking his soft hair.

“I know,” came the familiar reply, voice hoarse from lack of use.

“But you have to,” you said before he could. You knew the script by then.

“...But I have to,” he echoed, typing stopped for a moment, his hand coming to meet yours that had somehow settled over his chest. “I know I’ve been….absent lately. You know I don’t want to be doing this, right? I didn’t know it would be like this.” He looked to you, bloodshot eyes starting to tear. Before any could fall, she shook his head to refocus and let his eyes look over to the small collection of empty mugs that covered the desk, so very unlike Michael’s usually neat freakish tendencies. He picked one up, dark, cold coffee sat at the bottom, obviously abandoned quite a while ago. He knocked it back, grimacing at the too strong, bitter grinds that had made it into the cup. You saw his hand shake, just the slightest amount.

“Maybe no more of that.” You took the mug from him and replaced it on the desk, further from the others and his collection of files. “Come to bed, it’s late.”

He hesitated and you already knew the answer. “I just need to finish this. Then I can sleep.” He nodded, almost trying to convince himself that he’d be sleeping next to you soon enough. “In a few minutes… get in bed and I’ll meet you.”

He tried to smile. It wasn’t like he was unaware of what he was doing to you. He saw the way your heart seemed to break a little more each time he had to choose work over you. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You weren’t in his plan. His nor Satan’s. Michael knew deep down that he was never supposed to fall for anyone-he hadn’t the time.

But had happened. And you were his.

He wouldn’t change it for anything.

“I’m not sleeping without you tonight,” you mumbled, leaning over him from behind and gently kissing his neck. Just a small motivation to get him to relax, just a little. You untied the messy bun his hair had been pulled into, loving the way it fell to his shoulders and framed his face against the contrasting lights.

His eyes remained unfocused, looking away in guilt. He wanted you. It wasn’t that he didn’t want you. It was that there wasn’t enough time and for all his planning everything remained a failure. He supposed that maybe he deserved this as punishment. Working every day, nonstop, while his love was there and waiting for him. A sick mockery of Hell itself. Michael suspected that it was his father’s doing. Allowed to remain living as a reward for bringing the end times but punishment for not doing it well enough.

“I’m so-sorry,” he choked out, voice still rough and cracking.

Coming around to stand in front of him, you tilted his head up to look at you. No more words were needed as you leaned down to place a gentle kiss to his full lips. You felt a sigh come from him, a small amount of tension leaving. He couldn’t help but move against you, hands reaching to your waist, your cheek, anywhere. He needed to feel you. Feel how you moved, breathed, radiated energy. Just to feel something living and breathing in this cold, dead world he had created.

Before even thinking, processing that he was still busy, you slipped off the dressing gown you had on as coverage as you meandered Hawthorne earlier. Michael settled his hands on your hips, thumbs tracing small circles as you stood before him, in between his spread legs and his desk. He leaned in, lips and tongue tracing your stomach and sides. Unable to stop himself, he pulled you in, arms wrapping around tight, until you were settled straddling his lap.

You continued the open but small kisses to his neck. Unbuttoning his shirt, you slid it down his shoulders, knowing full well that he wouldn’t fully undress but needing to feel his warmth against your cheek as you rested on his shoulder. He was hardening under your ministrations but that really wasn’t your intention as you just needed to feel him. Not even sexually. Just as another person. His warmth. The rise and fall of his chest, his breath.

Knowing you were causing just another distraction in his already busy life, you stopped your small movements but couldn’t find it in you to climb off, reveling in the sensation of him against you. He felt the same. Your weight on him a reassuring presence that maybe he wasn’t as alone as the thought.

Taking a moment from the small bites he was leaving on your shoulder, he looked past you, eyes settling on the open laptop. You felt him sign under you, already defeated. His hands hesitated over your hips, refraining from grabbing you like he wanted to.

“Michael. Look at me,” you whispered, the room only full of the sounds from the crackling fire. Your thumb traced over his cheekbone, eyes pleading for him to just relax for even a moment. “Please…”

He couldn’t, ashamed that he’s let it get this far. Let himself get so caught up in work that you were neglected...that he, himself, was feeling neglected. He sighed, eyes still downcast. “I have to. I know we’re both feeli-”

“You can keep working. I know how important this is. I just wish you would let me help you relax a little.”

“I miss you.” The confession dropped from his lips. Despite spending every day, almost all day, at his side you missed him, too. Even when you were sitting beside one another, laying in bed, even occasionally while intimate...he felt miles away.

“You don’t have to miss me anymore. I’m right here.” You resumed placing small kisses onto his temple, jawline, all the places that made his eyes flutter shut and heart full. His hardness still pressed into you and you reached to cup him through his tailored trousers.

“Y/N….not tonight,” he choked out, looking broken.

“No. I don’t want you to fuck me, I just need to be close to you. I need you.”

Michael nodded slowly, recognition setting in. He allowed you to remove him from his confines, breath already coming faster now that your hand was gripped around his length.

“I need you, too. Please. I need to be in you,” he murmured against your lips, sounding more desperate than he cared to admit. You nodded in response, noses brushing innocently, and placed another kiss behind his ear, over the mark of the Beast. The very thing that defined him, made him what he was, who he was. The reason he was this overworked shell of himself. You couldn't help but still love every part of him.

Not completely free of bad intentions, you pressed yourself against him so he could feel the slick heat of your core against himself. Michael let out a soft moan, his mouth occupied toying with your nipple. You felt him shiver under you and tingles resonate up your spine. As much as you wanted to, it wasn’t the time to play cruel to your Antichrist.

It didn’t take long for you to line yourself up to him and before you could do anything, Michael’s steady hands gripping your waist forced you slowly downward onto him. Once fully seated on him, the two of you let out contented sighs. His head rolled back and your hand instinctively went to catch it, supporting his neck. You took the opportunity to nip on his full bottom lip, but smiles bloomed over both of your faces. Finally home.

“You...still need to work.” The spell remained unbroken, however. He nodded reluctantly, head now resting on your front.

“I know,” he resigned and you felt his hands leave your body, cold rushing in where his touch left. It was mere seconds later you heard the quick taps of his nimble fingers over the keyboard, the shuffle of paper.

It was irrelevant. Everything was except the warmth you felt radiating from him, the stretch of your cunt around him, his body inside yours. Physically as close as two people can be. Emotionally...you were getting back there, you could feel it.

He showed it in small ways. A small kiss to your palm when you’d graze a hand over the velvet of his jacket, the softening of his eyes from across the room when dealing with Cooperative business or reprimanding Outpost inhabitants. It was there and always would be. You knew the shroud was lifting and it would be back to hiding in the corridors of Hawthorne, his laugh radiating and a perfect match for his boyish grin.

One of his hands removed itself from the keyboard to caress down your spine and settled at the base, warm and firm. You breaths matched, each sigh shifting him inside you, hitting a new angle, making you feel even closer than before.

The keyboard clicks continued, slower due to the fact the one of his hands was stroking the soft skin at your hip. Michael’s shoulders dropped a fraction when you placed your head on his shoulder, nose brushing the sensitive spot under his jaw. His eyes lowered, breath softened.

Over the course of the minutes, he would occasionally drop a kiss onto your shoulder, soft and awfully chaste considering the fact that he was buried in you. But it wasn’t about that, that evening. It was about Michael and who he was and his breath and movement and reminding him that maybe things weren’t so bad in the godforsaken hellscape he was responsible for. That there was still some good left, despite the original goal to strip humanity of that.

And he knew it. He felt it from you. The undying love that you held for him and he could only be reminded that there was good left. And that he loved you, the same.

The typing continued even after Michael dropped a cheek to your shoulder, head tilted, as he somehow continued working through his drooping eyelids.

“Mmmmmm,” he mumbled into your skin, exhausted.

“I know.” He didn’t need to speak, you already knew what he was trying to say.

His other hand settled on the back of your neck, the only sound being the crackling fire and candles. You shivered and he pulled you in, bodies still connected.

“Michael,” you whispered, going to suggest that maybe you two go to bed, but the small shake of his head told you that he’d rather stay put.

His breathing evened out, face still resting on your shoulder. All his muscles relaxed into your touch. Finally at ease.

Your fingers threaded through his hair and you considered waking him to move to bed...but you were comfortable too. Warm and finally feeling a little more complete with him inside you. Perhaps closing your eyes for just a few minutes couldn’t hurt.

Tags: @ccodyfern @langdonsinferno @langdonsrapture​ @starwlkers​ @michael-langdon-appreciation​ @babypinkstyles94​ @i-will-die-for-jim-mason​ @langdonalien​ @katiekitty261​ @duncvn​ @wroteclassicaly​ @lvngdvns​ @aveiangdon​ @americanhorrorstudies​ @sojournmichael​ @1-800-bitchcraft​ @nana15774​ @langdonsdemon​ @michael-langdon-owns-my-soul​

[chanbangblog]

ive only felt religion when ive lied with you- 1

A/N: (smut, Chan x reader, Canon compliant, fan/idol)

The sun peeped in at you through the small slit in the curtains. Your eyes fluttered open and then closed again. You laid there in a beautiful mix of sleep and awake when suddenly you realized you were late for work. You sat up and became perplexed at your surroundings, this was definitely not your room.

Wait, where am I… you started to wonder.

You looked over to see Robyn lying next to you, still asleep looking quite peaceful and hugging her Chimmy plushie. Then you realized you weren’t at home, and this wasn’t just any day, this was the day you were going to meet Stray Kids.

Your heart began to speed up at your sudden realization. You looked around the room and empty cans of hard cider littered the bedside table. Last night’s pad Thai was sitting on the dresser, probably harboring god knows how many bacteria after sitting out at room temperature all night. You felt a tinge of nausea at the thought of it, or any food for that matter.

Oh god. Am I going to be able to eat today? I have to eat, I’ll never be able to stand in line and make it through the concert if I don’t eat. Let alone have the strength to survive MEETING THEM at hi-touch.

You pushed your hair behind your ears, closed your eyes and focused on your breathing.

Not today, anxiety. It’s too early for this bullshit.

Your therapist had taught you to talk to your anxiety like it was a person. Speaking of him, God bless that man for listening to you over the past several months preparing for this day. You had drilled him for an endless amount of coping mechanisms in order make sure that you, quite literally, didn’t faint when you met the nine boys who seemingly occupied your every thought.

You rolled out of bed as cautiously as you could, so you didn’t wake Robyn. You walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Your hair was stuck to the side of your head and you had sleep still in the corners of your eyes. You decided to take a shower and think about what to have for breakfast.

The hot water beat into your skin and steam began to fill the bathroom. You inhaled deeply. Trying to focus on the present and not psych yourself out about the night ahead.

You’re just giving them a high five. Hundreds of fans will get to do the same. They definitely won’t remember you, you’ll blend in with the millions of other girls who are desperately in love with them.

 This thought calms you for a moment. Being rational in situations of stress wasn’t particularly your strong suit, so you were happy with this little victory.

When you got out of the shower you checked your phone. You had several notifications from Instagram from realstraykids. Hyunjin was posting selfies and talking about being excited for the concert tonight. Swiping through the pictures he took with other members, Chris got your attention. His hair was a golden blonde and was starting to grow so long, it looked like a borderline mullet with the way it was styled.

“Chris with a mullet steals my soul!!!!” you commented on the picture and then put your phone away.

You walked back into the room and Robyn was awake. You took one look at her and burst into the most high pitched squeal you could manage.

Well. Being calm was nice while it lasted.

“Good god, y/n. Are you gonna be like this all day?” Robyn asked, already looking done with your shit.

 Robyn didn’t originally stan Stray Kids. You introduced them to her after you got the tickets. You had been to kpop concerts with her in the past so she seemed like the obvious choice to go with you. You had invited Robyn over a couple months ago and had a “hard intro to Stray Kids” Youtube watching session. Which had included videos like “stray kids on crack” and “a super shitty and unhelpful guide to stray kids.” She eventually chose two biases, Minho and Jisung. When she had told you later that night you were overjoyed because you had predicted who she would bias.

“NO WAY!!!!” you had screeched, “I texted my friend earlier and predicted you would bias them! Just so I could show you when I was right!”

What could you say, you love Robyn, but she has a certain type that always wrecks her. Pretty baby faces and strong vocals. You couldn’t blame her though, they were both an excellent choice.

You snapped back to the present.

“Uh no. I’m calm, I just, uh… yeah I’m gonna be like this all day.” You confessed.

Thank God I have a friend brave enough to put up with me.

The morning went by faster than you thought it would. You all ordered breakfast and spent the morning watching Jinyoung’s new kdrama. You wanted to get to the venue early-ish because even though you had good tickets, you were still GA and didn’t want to be shoved completely to the back of your section.

 You had spent months picking the perfect outfit that you would feel confident in to meet them. It was May so you weren’t sure about the weather, but you decided to bank on it being hot outside. You chose a sleeveless shirt that was metallic gold, with a bow that tied around the front and buttoned down. You had also chosen a skort set that looked like a black mini-skirt but actually had shorts underneath and low-top combat boots to complete the look. You curled your hair and tried to give it as much volume as possible. Not that it would matter, you knew it would be matted to your head with sweat by the end of the concert. But hey, you gotta look good for the pics for the ‘gram, right?

 You arrived at the venue and was baking outside under the morning sun, it was sweltering, you didn’t expect this for May. Your skin was baking under the late spring sun. You definitely had a sunburn and had only been in line for an hour.

Why on Earth did I wear a tank top...I’m not gonna be able to raise my arm to high five them without the smell knocking them down!

Suddenly an image of Jeongin falling backward at the smell of your body odor made you laugh out loud. You could see the headlines now, “kpop fangirl’s body odor causes singer to faint.” I mean, it would be hilarious, mortifying, but hilarious.

The concert was a blur, as always. You sang along to all the words you knew and your voice felt hoarse towards the end. You couldn’t believe how close you were to them. The venue was much smaller than you had anticipated. The light was shining off of them and their sweat made them glisten. You were so close you could see their muscles rippling under their denim when they danced.

Felix began talking to the fans about how much he loves us and wants to keep performing well for us. Felix and Changbin are my biases so I was completely engulfed in his cute Aussie accent being spoken 40 feet from me. It was almost too much. The members were fanned out across the stage while he talked and Chris drifted over to the side I was on. The girls and boys around me went wild trying to speak to him but he probably couldn’t hear them.

Rude. My baby Felix is having a moment and y’all are acting like idiots trying to talk over him.

Robyn elbowed me hard in the rib.

“Y/n,” she breathed, “Chris is staring in our direction.”

 You looked over and locked eyes with him. You froze. You always thought you knew what you would do if you came face to face with one of your idols. But you were wrong. You didn’t feel the way you had predicted at all. You thought your knees would buckle. You thought you would scream or perhaps cry. But you didn’t. You couldn’t describe the feeling that came over you under his gaze. You couldn’t describe it other than feeling totally confident and empowered for the first time in a long time. You realized you needed to react before he looked away so you winked and attempted to look sexy. Then he raised an eyebrow at you, kept your gaze and went back to get in line for the next song.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT! WHY DID I WINK? WHO DOES THAT OH MY GOD.

You were going though it inside and Robyn could tell.

“Um, what was that?? Girl, you just had an interaction with him!” Robyn whispered in your ear.

 You looked around and none of the concert-goers around you seemed to notice. No one was looking at you. You began to wonder if you imagined it. Your cheeks were burning a fiery red and your stomach felt like it was being assaulted with a swarm of butterflies.

How am I going to face him at hi-touch after that?? God y/n you were supposed to try to blend in.

You told your inner voice to fuck off, just like your therapist had taught you. But the rest of the concert, you couldn’t keep your eyes off Chris.

   You were standing in line for hi-touch and your knees were buckling. You felt like your entire body was on edge and your insides were being electrocuted.

“You’re going to pass out if you keep holding your breath, y/n.” Robyn quietly reminded you. You suddenly realized you had been holding your breath.

“How did I get here? Maybe we should just run.”  You said in a panicked voice.

Robyn looked you up and down like you had just spoken another language.

“Y/n, we’re not being marched to our deaths, we’re meeting this band that you have been obsessing over for months! Get it together! Breathe!” Robyn said while starting to shake you.

She’s right. What the hell is wrong with you. You paid so much money for these tickets and your bank account is still recovering. You’re doing this.

The line was starting to move faster than you would like. You got closer and closer to where you knew the boys were standing. You saw them in the distance and suddenly realized how tall they were in real life. You should’ve anticipated this since you already knew you were shorter than the shortest member.

They’re just people. They’re just boys. You talk to boys all the time.

You started to calm down. Until you locked eyes with Chris in the distance.

What was it about his gaze that made you take on a totally different attitude and mindset? Five seconds earlier you were contemplating running again. Now it felt like all of Earth’s gravity was holding you here in this one spot, like this was the only place you were ever supposed to be at this moment in time. You felt confident under his gaze, you felt bold.

You’re still not sure what possessed you, but you broke the gaze to start searching through your purse. You found a receipt and quickly ripped a small piece of the end. The line was moving and you were forced to walk while ransacking your purse. You finally found a pen. You tried to be as nonchalant as you could so you didn’t attract attention from other fans.

As sneakily as you could, you quickly scribbled: Kakao y/n0325.

Good god, why did I put their debut date in my name on there…I’m such a psycho. That’s so embarrassing.

But you didn’t have time to ponder on that because it was almost your turn. You didn’t have a plan. You didn’t know how you were going to get this to him without being noticed, but you did know that it felt right and you wanted to do it. Chris was the last member in the lineup.

 Woojin was first. You had already planned out what you were going to say to each of them. You got up to him and his chocolate brown hair was gleaming in the fluorescence. Your hands met and you felt your mind go blank, he was smiling at you as you grappled with your words in your head.

“YOUR VOICE IS LIKE HONEY,” you blurted out, half-yelling at the poor man.

He just laughed and said thank you as you moved on.

Minho was looking at you smiling with his hand up. You didn’t struggle as long with finding words this time.

“I’m so proud of you, I love you to death,” You said as you passed by.

He laughed and said thank you in the cutest accent you’ve ever heard.

Changbin was next. Your bias, which made your thoughts become even more erratic than they had been before. You just started smiling uncontrollably and said “Hiiiiii, I love you Changbinnie” and he looked back at you fondly and said he loved you too.

You were face to face with Hyunjin before you realized it and my, was he good looking, it was like an angel was literally standing in front of you.

“You’re even cuter in person,” you said as fast as you could while touching hands with him. He just laughed and nodded in response.

You couldn’t think of anything else, your mind was at overload when you met Felix, Jisung, Jeongin and Seungmin. So you just told them you loved them as fast and as many times as you could.

When you got to Chris, you finally looked up at him and felt a shiver rip through your core. Your heart felt like it had dropped into your stomach. You felt like you were in an elevator that was falling down with reckless abandon. You raised your right hand up to give him a high five. Your hand was empty. But at the last second you switched and raised your left hand up as quickly as you could and the piece of paper was between your hands. You moved your hand slightly so he could feel it and finally spoke.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, but this just isn’t long enough.” You said with all the confidence you could muster.

His eyes sparked as he realized what you were doing. He moved his hand and quickly closed it and put it in his pocket.

“Oh yes, I agree,” he said, very coolly with that unmistakable smile that he always shows the world. The smile that you had become so fond of over the last several months. The smile that gave fans hope all around the world and now, at this moment, he was smiling because of you.

  For the second time that night, Robyn looked at you in disbelief as you rounded the corner in the hall way exiting the venue.

“Y/n, you’re the smoothest human alive,” she said with a shocked expression on her face.

You suddenly busted into cackling laughter. It overwhelmed you and wracked your body. Bubbling up from your core. You couldn’t control it. You’re sure you were unnerving everyone near you with your maniacal laughter. Everyone knows, nothing comes good after maniacal laughter. You laughed until your abdominal muscles ached, and tears were spilling down your cheeks.

“That was the best time of my life,” you said in between bouts of laughter.

Robyn started laughing too and you two called a cab to head back to your hotel.

 You tried not to dwell on your interaction with Chris. He had been nice and a bit flirty, but he was like that with all Stays. You had watched countless youtube compilations of your idols flirting with fans. It was normal. It was nothing special. That’s what you told yourself when you arrived back in your hotel room and your heart was still fluttering in your chest, refusing to return to its normal pace.

Hey, I’m going at my own pace, Chris would at least be proud of that.

You suddenly started laughing again at your own thoughts and told Robyn you were getting in the shower. She was probably very thankful for this, after the events of the day and the copious amounts of sweat you had shed. You turned on your slow kpop playlist and once again let the steam fill up the room while the water beat down on you. You put your head up against the tile wall of the shower and let the water envelop you.

 I had an interaction with Chris. Fans have interactions with their idols all the time at concerts. He was very charismatic, you already knew that. Stop overthinking it and just be happy you made these memories with them, y/n.

Your heart rate began to slow and you focused on the water and the steady hum the shower made. Tomorrow you and Robyn were going into the city and it was going to be a good day. You were going to have a good day with your friend and recount concert memories. Life was good.

You stepped out of the shower and grabbed your phone to turn off the playlist. Butterfly by BTS was playing and you were about to sing along for a few words when you checked your notifications.

You had a few comments on your Instagram posts but your eyes glazed over when you saw what was next.

A notification from Kakao, a notification from none other than Christopher Bang himself.

[littlemiss-rio]

fuck shit im going to answer all of these questions for my pleasure askdfjh

didnt reblog original post because i accidentally posted on my fucking main like a stupid bitch

1. when did you first meet your tc?

2018, she was me and my girlfriend’s director, gf was the lead and i was tech, and she yelled at me for being late to stuff and told me to never give up on myself blah blah inspirational bullshit

2. what’s your tc’s relationship status?

single, will probably never marry. ever.

3. what’s the age gap between you and your tc?

30, going on 29 in a couple days ayyy

4. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done/said to your tc?

uh ive said so MANY things but i guess i say a lot of bullshit then realise shes much older and smarter than me . i guess ive also told her a lot about my “trauma” (i did camming as a 14 year old ksdafjh it didn’t bode well for my psyche)

5. How old are they?

uhh 47 i think

6. Do your friends/family know?

all my friends know loll, my family knows shes a teacher im friends with i think, also she knows i “like” her

tbh because of my own experiences with my past relationship, id say im relatively? more mature? when it comes to crushes. i love her, and if she asked me to date her i would 100% say yes, but i have no expectations, i would never ask her to date me because that’s stupid, but i am extremely content with what we have now which is a quite intimate friendship

7. What’s their favorite color?

… i dont know. black??

8. Describe them using only emojis

all cat emojis. god will she stop using cat emojis.

9. What HP house would your tc be in?

she’d be a hufflepuff but everyone but her closest friends would think she belongs in slytherin

10. what subject do they teach?

language!

11. have you ever heard your tc cuss?

SO MUCH. god she swears a lot when shes not at work, i usually zone it out because im not familiar with chinese swears (yesterday i was there while her friends were also there, and she yelled at her friend for swearing while her student was in the room, but i yelled back that i was technically graduated and i did not care). shes starting to swear even more around me i love it

12. are they tall or short?

SHES SO SHORT but her aura makes her feel so fucking tall

13. what’s the most intimate thing you’ve ever done with your tc?

i mean, shes seen my tattoo thats on my ribs, i’ve sat on her lap, ive put my face in her neck like a thousand times, she joked about kissing me once?

14. are they serious or silly?

silly but at work, serious as fuck

15. what music do they prefer?

… hey actually i never asked

17. have you ever gotten in trouble with them? was it serious?

so much. i also made out with a girl and got caught by her once kdjfha

18. have you ever dreamed about your tc?

not much tbh

19. had your tc ever complimented you? how so?

a lot askfdj i MAKE her complement me. i make her tell me im pretty a lot

20. do they play any instruments?

she played the piano as a kid!

21. do they have neat or sloppy handwriting?

neat but with lots of character

22. have you ever heard them sing? was it good?

yes and it wasnt bad but im not sure i want to hear it again

23. do they dress well?

NO for the last three times i have seen her!! she has worn!! the exact!! same!! shirt!! she literally only owns ONE of this shirt i know i designed it for our team

24. have you ever cried in front of your tc?

yeah loads crying used to be the only way to shut her up while she was yelling at you

25. what’s their best feature?

tbh i love her eyes (i tell her they’re ugly a lot aksjfdh but no actually i love her eyes) i like her nose, her lips are too thin but they’re nice anyways, i like her voice (shes smoked for 30 years and you can hear it), i like her collarbones??? basically i like HER (i do NOT LIKE HER TEETH THOUGH)

[chimcharstar]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

[pr0sciutt0]

just gonna answer some more anons about the plus size reader stuff below the cut so i don’t clog up the dashboards of all of u lovely followers and then regular service will resume!!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Yay!! Im so excited! Thank you for being willing to write for poc! Readers and im excited to read the fic you linked! As a plus size girl myself, Whenever I read fics where the reader is I cant help but feel more confident about the parts of me Im self conscious about. Also im so glad you write with us in mind ❤️❤️ and Ive got even more admiration for your work! That anon must not realize most fics are small figure based 🙄 im sure they can get over it. They were being rude.

representation is important!!! i have life experience of writing for characters with dysphoria and chubby characters and lots of others so seeing them represented makes me feel happy, and i’m glad i can do something for other ppl too!! just pls remember that i am white and i may very well fuck up so pls do not be afraid to call me out!!! <3 

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Oh geez, there's plenty of reader fics I don't read because they don't apply to me (like of a specific gender or sexuality) but I just skip them and move on. There's still plenty of stuff out there! I also don't like going into detail about Reader's physical appearance, unless, like you said it's specifically asked for.

bird meme “i am uncomfortable when we are not about me???”. i like to write vague stuff so as many people can connect to it as possible! that’s why if i get an ask that’s very obviously for someone’s o/c or whatever i prefer not to answer it bc i want my content to be enjoyable for lots of people!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Ive read your terzetto fic about a million times and even though its about a chubby reader you still dont describe the body THAT much like???? Anon just say you're fatphobic and move on

and its like. specifically THAT chapter. the body praise self-conscious chapter. i havent reviewed the others in a while so there might be more bigger readers but like, not all of them?! i try not to over-describe even for plus size reader’s bodies bc people carry their weights and stuff so differently! haz and i wear the same size in clothes but we carry our weight differently in different places so we look different!! i want people to Relate!!

jojotrashcan said to pr0sciutt0:Nat!! I just want to thank you for including a chubby reader in your works! As a certified fat gal (tm) it’s hard to identify with works of fiction, and it’s nice finally having something that reflects my body type! So just like a huge thank you from me! You know this already but I love and appreciate all you do for this community, and it always disappoints me to see someone send hate to some one who works so hard for us! Keep your chin up b/c I appreciate seeing diverse fiction!

i love u!!!! idk if i’ve mentioned before but what i want to do when i eventually Get Better At Not Letting My Mental Illness is work in a publishing house, specifically a YA imprint bc i’d like to make a push for more diverse heroines in ya lit!!! (i also wanna WRITE diverse ya heroines but u feel me, one thing at a time)

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:So God forbid someone write for different body types and races I low key just glaze over some fics cause you can tell who it's for even just with little hints of the body or skin type. Can't a girl a plus size girl be loved too by her fictional favorites :(

no . . . fat people . . . MUST BE UNHAPPY. ONLY WAY. 

bubbleu said to pr0sciutt0:Let also include the fact that if in most even kdramas , anime, or any type of tv show or movie if it's a big girl she usually ends up having to lose weight for guys to even like her or even look her way so how dare people be inclusive in fics for fictional people you do you boo I'm happy you're writing for anyone literally fuck that puto

these people are not happy that i’m like a size 18 and my fictional boyfriends still love me. its SO RARE to find a fat gal character where her desire to lose weight isn’t a driving character force. and its always always always framed as a good thing. nobody addresses the original body dislike and just says “WOW IM SO GLAD YOURE NOT FAT ANYMORE” like that isnt gonna leave a lasting scar on the person’s psyche i just

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:F the hater, all my big ladies deserve to fantasize about their hot JoJo spouses too!

this is a BODY POSITIVE space. chubby gals and guys and nonbinary pals. skinny gals and guys and nonbinary pals! hyper femme, hyper masc, androgynous, ones with body hair or traditionally ugly features or visible disabilities or scarring or anything - ur jojo spouses love u

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Anon mad that fat people enjoy stuff smh

local anon unhappy that they have found one fic that is not about them

babyybitchhh said to pr0sciutt0:Anon is an entitled ass and I implore you not to let that message get to you. As you said, mentally replacing words to better match your own physical descriptors is super easy but considering that you’re writing these scenarios for free, no one has the right to complain anyway.Like, at the end of the day its still YOUR writing even if your fulfilling a request and the author will always have final say on the finished product. Consider only writing chubby/fat reader from now on tbh ; )

i am pretty much usually imagining a chubby reader or a reader who looks like me. thats why i do it!!!! i honestly just cant imagine going into another writer’s ask and being like “hey you have given me this piece of backstory about this fic you wrote and i HATE IT, IMMEDIATELY DENOUNCE IT???

[heysawbones]

Congratulations, Me; You’re Slow

Surprise, me! You’re literally slow. As in, your processing speed - the rate at which your brain takes in stimuli and makes sense of it - is below average. Quantitatively. The average is 100. Yours is 94. 

Three years ago, I was given a cognitive battery. I’ve had an unusually high number of these in my life. Most people will never have even one. I’ve had four; one to assess for the Gifted and Talented program in kindergarten, one to reassess for the same when I changed school districts, one to assess for ADHD, and yet another, the latest, to assess for the same, as the prior records were lost. ADHD runs in my family, but I seem to have been one of those kids who compensated really, really well. Was I organized? Not even a little. Lose things? Constantly. I procrastinated like a motherfucker, too, but it was usually easy to make up the work in class before it was due. I would drive hard to complete the GT project-based assignments at the last minute, and always did fine. Better than fine, even. Sure, I used to obsessively braid yarn or draw in class, but nobody had any reason to suspect I would have issues with things like maintaining attention or executive function later on. If they did, I never heard about it. Even today, it’s not obvious; people associate a certain flightiness with ADHD and that isn’t me. People associate a lot of things with ADHD that aren’t me. This has been so much of an issue, in fact, that despite meeting diagnostic criteria over and over, as admitted by clinicians, people have been hesitant to give me the diagnosis. The argument deployed tends to be: you have all the symptoms, but you also have chronic depression, which has the same symptoms, so we’ll just go with that one. The underlying rationale, the unspoken answer to “why can’t it be both? they often co-occur” seems to be: you are too articulate and self-aware to have ADHD. It boils down to you’re too smart to be slow. 

This is unfair to me, and demonstrably untrue, besides. I recognized this long ago. I am the one who has to figure out some way to compensate for the symptoms. Yes, the symptoms of depression and ADHD overlap (especially if you are depressed for a long time), but the treatment of those symptoms is not the same. I have been in treatment for depression for over ten years. Am I better than I was? Unquestionably so. 

Do I function at a level sustainable for an adult not on disability? Can I get places on time? Can I catch a plane without showing up 14 hours early, lest I show up 14 hours late, or at the wrong airport entirely, instead? Do I remember things people told me yesterday? Can I go to Target without the possibility of getting caught up in a weird cognitive trap where I want bananas, but am too guilty to buy them unless I do the rest of my grocery shopping, which I don’t have the mental energy for? Do I remember enough of my meds when I go on trips? Can I stop persistently putting things in places that make no sense, and then having no idea that I’ve done it 15 seconds later? Can I manage an adult’s schedule? Can I remember to pay bills on time? Can I remember what I’ve spent money on in the last week? Can I remember what I ate this morning? Can I hold down a job that is, honestly, below my abilities in many ways?

The answer is, of course, sometimes yes. Distressingly frequently, it is no. Where travel is concerned, it is always no, and somehow, I have managed to show up at the wrong airport entirely more than once. 

Yes, I recognize that these are problems all people have, to some degree, at some time in their lives. If people are willing to act on the belief that I am too smart to be slow, why is it that when I account for my concerns and attempt to articulate the impact they have on my life, I am suddenly not self-aware anymore, and am only overreacting to what obviously MUST be the same degree of these problems that other reasonable adults experience? Why am I credible in other areas, but not this one? If I am so smart, why is it assumed that I’ve failed to account for my own emotional bias when gauging the difficulty I am experiencing? Why is it more satisfying to assume that I am not trying hard enough, then it is to accept that a smart, self-aware person may, in fact, have some kind of Brain Problem that, really, there is no logical contraindication to, and much evidence, for? When I do the responsible thing and insistently pursue all reasonable options to address my mental and neurological health, with the goal of being a functional contributor to society, why is this so persistently reduced to a fetish specifically for an ADHD diagnosis? I’m smart when it’s convenient for others, but not when it comes to the ability to draw cause and effect relationships from my own behavior, and make comparisons between those and the behavior of others? If I got treatment that worked, I wouldn’t care what the diagnosis was. Come the fuck on. I’m tired of this.

-----

Anyway. I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery. I’ve read the summary before; it’s peppered with lines like

“There is also considerable other evidence in this testing consistent with a diagnosis of ADHD”

“In my experience, some individuals who are very bright are able to compensate for some of their disability”

“this distribution of index scores is very typical of individuals with ADHD”

“Many of the behaviors she describes are certainly typical of individuals who suffer from ADHD. Unfortunately, the coexisting history of chronic major depression and PTSD make that differential diagnosis based on history alone difficult” 

When I first read that last year, I was shocked because the therapist who requested the cognitive battery, only expressed surprise that I was “very smart” and said that my “scores were fine.” When I later confronted him after having read the summary myself, he merely admitted that some of my scores were “lower than others”. He never entertained the possibility that I had ADHD, which in an of itself, wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d been willing to just try the treatments for it, since clearly the two industrial-strength doses of antidepressants I was already on, were not cutting it. Alas, he was not, and it wasn’t until after he retired that the issue was addressed again.

Surprisingly, I was not the person who addressed it. When my therapist-MD retired, I needed at least a primary care provider to manage my medications. Since the appointment was for psych med management, I had to fill out a bunch of related intake forms - you likely know the kind. While looking them over, my new doctor peered up at me and asked, “Has anybody ever suggested that you might have ADHD?” I was taken aback by the question and wasn’t sure where to start. Them? Asking me? if I have ADHD? She asked me? 

I told her that I’d had two full cognitive batteries done, and that both of them concluded roughly the same thing: yes, all the symptoms are there, no, we do not know if it’s ADHD because there’s too much background noise from other psych issues. Without skipping a beat, she said the most amazing thing to me: 

Well, whatever it is, you have the symptoms, so let’s treat them.

God. Why didn’t someone say that years ago? Diagnoses are human constructs; we use them to group symptoms that tend to occur together, when they’re thought to have the same causes. Depression and ADHD have many (but not all) of the same symptoms, but the overlap doesn’t qualify as a diagnosis because the causes are assumed to be different. I think we often forget that diagnoses are containers for commonalities that we use to make talking about medicine easier, not necessarily biological phenomena unto themselves. If you remember that they are containers - a sort of conceptual shorthand - then it follows that if one treatment for a set of symptoms isn’t solving the problem, you ought to try a different treatment often used for the same symptoms, even if the minutiae of diagnosis means you aren’t sure you can apply the diagnosis typically associated with that second treatment*.

I am now on Vyvanse. Does it magically solve my problems? No. Does it help? Yes. I am in a much better position to actually address the bad habits and coping mechanisms someone like me builds up over the years. The notable insomnia should wear off over time, and besides, as a person with an existing sleep disorder, having fucked up sleep isn’t new. It’s a price I’m willing to pay.

-----

Anyway. So I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery, because I had to dig them up for my new therapist. Instead of reading the summary, I dug into the raw numbers: the related tests are the Weschler Adult Intelligence Scale IV (WAIS-IV), and the Weschler Memory Scale III (WMS-III). I couldn’t find sufficient guidance on interpreting the WMS-III, so I’ll stick with the WAIS-IV scores:

At first inspection, these scores do look “fine”. Anything within 10 points of 100 in either direction qualifies as “average”, even if 100 is “the average”. But on further reading, both in the summary and out: 

-Examination of these results reveals considerable significant variability between various functional capacities, with VCI of 141 a full 3 standard deviations above PSI of 94.** Problems with both working memory and processing speed impacted her overall IQ considerably, bringing her Full Scale IQ down to 120 (from 133). 

-A significant difference among subtest scores can suggest a problem in the particular skill being tested; this might underlie a learning disability. A significant difference among standard Index Scores might also indicate a learning disability, ADHD

-when I see a difference in IQ scores such that the verbal and nonverbal scores are far superior to the processing speed score, I try to discern what could be causing the discrepancy.

-LD diagnoses are also reliant on score discrepancies. On the WAIS, a gifted individual with ADHD may look like this.

Verbal comprehension - 132

Perceptual Reasoning - 129

Processing Speed - 97

Working memory - 101

Absolute scores aren’t the only diagnostic tool. Relative scores are also important. For example, average scores across the board wouldn’t be indicative of a working memory or processing speed issue, whereas great discrepancies between those parameters and others, is - even if the working memory and processing speed scores themselves are the same in both examples. What I’m saying is, it’s right there. It’s in the numbers. There’s no wiggle room. My old therapist saw these numbers, and not only did he choose not to act on the information, he pointedly refused to do so. If he hadn’t retired, I’d look into suing for malpractice. It’s in the god damn numbers, my dude. I don’t care what you want to call it, the deficit is right. there.

What did I ever do to him? Did he just... not believe ADHD is real? More to the point, did he think I somehow, without knowing the ins and outs of the WAIS-IV, faked the deficits or something? Really, guy, what the hell?

-----

Do I feel bad about being slow? Honestly, no. I might have if I found this out 10 years ago, or in circumstances wherein that reality didn’t perfectly explain aspects of my experience that other people have been prone to downplay, or dismiss entirely. Instead, it’s the closest I can get to scientific verification that I’m not just losing my shit over nothing over here; that something has, in fact, gone awry, and may always have been awry. I couldn’t compensate forever (though the ways I’ve done it are many, and in retrospect, interesting) and now I’m on the other end of it, trying to rebuild. I am, as I like to say, building an exoskeleton - something that will hold me up when my brain insists on faceplanting. I’m just grateful there’s someone out there who isn’t too caught up in the semantic navel-gazing of diagnosis, to help.

*There are obvious exceptions here, such as when the two diagnoses have causes whose treatment is contraindicated in the other diagnosis. This is not the case with depression and ADHD.

** You see that Percentile Rank of 34? That means I performed better than 34 percent of people my age, at least according to the test sample. That’s. Not great.

[grandthorkiday]

Mob AU “Playthings” Part 2

[Link to mob!au anon’s “Playthings" fic tag]

[Start at Part 1]*

(*Note: Link is editable for other parts, just change the number. For mobile users, tag is “playthings part1”)

They got to the hospital as fast as traffic would allow. Val didn’t want to draw attention, knowing Grandmaster had spies everywhere including the police department. She had sent a cryptic message to her Captain, but other than that she tried to make things look as casual as possible. Bruce kept clenching and unclenching his jaw, a habit he had developed when he was trying to keep calm.

Dr. Foster met them in the lobby, nervously pacing. She shook their hands eagerly and motioned for them to follow.

“I think I messed up. I told him that I called you.”

“I thought he asked for me?”

“He did, but I guess he changed his mind. He got so agitated. He tried to rip out his IV and he started screaming at my nurse. He was going to be discharged tomorrow, but now I’m thinking about calling psych.”

“Do it, and ask for Stephen Strange. Tell him it’s for Val.”

They arrived to the hospital room several minutes later. Even from the hallway, one could here cursing and near sobbing as Loki screamed to be let go. Nine years ago, he had been a nervous kid who had politely spoke to his doctors and nurses as they tended him. Now, he screeched obscenities at everyone, violently jerking his entire body against the restraints he had been put into. His face was still littered with bruises and he had a cut on his lip he periodically worried with his tongue. His hair had grown and needed to be washed; it was starting to get a greasy sheen.

He glared at Foster as she moved to check his chart. “Fucking bitch. Let me go. I want to leave. You can’t keep me here.”

“It’s medically advisable for you to stay one more night.” She responded professionally. “You were very dehydrated when you came in here.”

“I’ll just drink more water,” he sneered at her. He tried once again to pull at his wrist restraints but nothing happened.

“Hey, Loki.” Val stepped forward.

Loki looked at her for only momentarily before turning his head away. “Go away.” His voice was flat. He struggled with his arm restraints again, but not as hard he previously had.

“After I came all this way?” She made her voice sound teasing. “Traffic was a bitch to get over here. And you did ask for me.”

[read more cut]

“Probably was drugged,” he grumbled. He shot Foster a glare. “She probably drugged me. Can I charge her with something?”

“We can discuss that later. How about we catch up first?”

“I want these things off of me.”

“We can see about that. Dr. Foster, can we get the chest restraint removed at least for now. May help calm him down.”

The doctor seemed unsure if that was wise, but she did it without complaint. Loki kept sending her daggers as she bent over him and undid the strap that went over his chest.

“We got it from here. Can we have the room?”

“I’m going to be right down the hall.”

Once she had left, Val moved one of the chairs in the room close to Loki’s left side. She waved Bruce into another close by, but not as close. The movement of the other man in the room was the first time the younger man had seen the former. He reared back like a cat, still locked into place.

“Hey, hey, relax. That’s just my new partner. Bruce Banner, this is Loki Valhalla.”

“Hey there, Loki!” Bruce said cheerfully enough.

Loki simply stared at him in suspicion.

“It’s been a few years, hasn’t it?”

No reply.

“Saw that you went to that playoff game. The one with Drax. Got pretty close to the action.”

Still no reply.

“You’ve lost some weight since then.”

“Diet.” Well, at least he said something.

“Really didn’t need it, did you?”

He shrugged, his gaze drifting to a ceiling tile.

“I almost went to your Mom’s funeral.”

That did something. Loki jerked as though he had been struck. He bit his lips as though he was concentrating extremely hard on a task.

“It was open to the public, and your sister invited me anyway. I didn’t go, though. Didn’t feel right, y'know? Showing up. Hardly knew her really.” She felt a tad guilty going down this road, but she knew she had so few options left to her. There was a large probability that at any moment that a knock could be at the door and a Sakaar lawyer would be there to whisk him away. She could get lucky and it could be Thor. Thor could possibly be persuaded into letting Loki stay longer in the hospital. At least twenty four hours. And a lot could happen in twenty four hours.

“I…I went to the funeral.” The words were spoken softly. Loki still refused to look at her, but his eyes didn’t seem present at all. “We both did. It was a lovely service. And they picked a wonderful spot for her to be buried.”

“I’ve been there. My wife’s mother is buried there. It’s very lovely.”

“She has a spot over looking the pond. She would like that.”

There was lull in the conversation, and Loki turned his face away from her. Val knew without seeing it that he was trying to hide the pain he felt. She glanced at Bruce who was just as deeply moved as she was. But he nodded all the same; they needed to make him talk.

“Y'know after I first met you, I contacted your Mother. She had been searching for you and Thor for a year and she was overjoyed to even hear you were alive.”

The younger man shook his head weakly.

“I used to call her every time I saw you after that. Just to reassure her. You remember when you asked me to tell her you were okay? I told her how you were alive and trying to look out for your brother. Y'know what she said to that? She said, ‘That’s my Loki.’”

“Please,” his voice sounded near breaking.

“You told me you needed my help all those years ago. I wanted to help you. I still want to help you. I want to help Thor.”

He took in a shaky breath that ended in a sob.

“Loki. Is Thor hurt too?”

“N-no.”

“Are you sure? It’s been two days. He hasn’t come to get you.”

“He’s in Atlantic City. All week. Big cage match.” Loki had regained some composure only to have it dashed away as he added, “I was supposed to go with him. But…” He shook his head and turned it slightly back to her, his face screwed up. “You’re going to get me in trouble.”

“No. I’m going to get you home.”

~~~~~

Hela Valhalla was one of the beautiful accomplished woman that Val had ever met. She had joined the Bar very young, became a successful prosecutor, before being almost immediately snatched up by the State Attorney. All this would make any other parent proud, but had made her father sour and virtually disown her.

“I’m not supposed to outshine him. Or Thor. He has a ‘legacy’ to keep,” the woman had said their first meeting.

The thirty five year old woman met the detective in the lobby of one of the last hotels in the city not owned or operated by En Dwi Gast. They made their way into the bar arm in arm and picked a secluded table in the back. To outside observers and any Sakaar spies, it would look like an affair, the way Hela’s hand traced Val’s and the flirtatious smile she received in return. But it was anything but that.

“How does he look?”

“Scared. Thin. Bruises everywhere. Still won’t talk. I think he’s waiting to see what will happen tomorrow when he is discharged.”

“Have you seen Thor?”

“Apparently he was taken to Atlantic City with Gast. I think this is our best opportunity. I’m going to have him be committed tomorrow.”

The playful mask Hela had slipped slightly. “Commit him?! He’s not-”

“He’s suffering, Hela. It’s been ten years. He’s not going to say everything to me or you. He needs help. And we have one of the best psychiatrists in the city ready to help him. Go tomorrow and be there with him. He’ll probably say fucked up shit, but he’s not doing it intentionally. He’s trying to get you to leave to protect himself and you. You need to reassure him. Maybe your Dad-”

Hela laughed. “Daddy won’t come! Not yet at least. He actually takes all those public appearances that bastard makes them do at face value. There was one time they were on that stupid radio show, the one they film and put online, and Gast made them describe their favorite part of fellatiating him. Loki spoke first and Daddy took it as proof. Proof that they both failed him. I keep sending articles on rape survivors, but he ignores me.”

“Then it has to be you. You have to be there for him.”

“He’s going to be so worried about Thor. They were inseparable as kids. They always looked for one another. It’s why Loki went to NYU. To be with Thor. He got accepted to nearly every college he applied, but he wanted to be with Thor. And Thor wanted him there too. To look out for him.”

Val took Hela’s hand into both of hers. “This is the best way to get both of them back. You just have to trust me.”