#ive come so far lmaoooo

[icyfox17]

More random 911 snippets:

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BUCK DIED?!?!

SPRUCE!!!!!!!!

HE GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AND DIED FOR LIKE 3 MINS AND SMTH SECONDS AND THEN WAS IN A COMA FOR AWHILE BEFORE WAKING UP N STUFF ITS CRAAAAZYYY

[aachria]

i was rereading sssbmty and I realised smth, well not realised but yeah. as I was rereading I noticed somthing. Ed was bitch. not like 'omfg Ed ur such a bitch' but like 'wtf Ed? ur such a fucking bitch! jesus...' and then I got to alabasta.

ur a genius, I've read other fics like this for example divergence and another one I cant remember the name of (going to read this bites soon... maybe). but what really puts your fic at the tippity top is giving Ed character development, not a whole fucking arc to them obvi but giving them actual character development. Ive read so many what if I was in... but I rarely see authors giving the oc development because they don't think about it or they don't think they do.

but in alabasta, Ed was saying how no one listens to them and saying how they're always right (kind giving ranpo from bsd) but then the straw hats tell them that they don't say anything with conviction.

they basically tell them (incoming poetry made by mwah) that we cant hear you screaming if youre the one keeping your mouth shut.

yeah you can use that for future reference I'm an amazing poet fr fr but its really an eye opener for ed, so far Ed was making theories with no support or little evidence and everyone went along with it. so it doesn't really make any sense to Ed why no one is listening to them. because they haven't realised that even tho they're right about where to go, its vivi's country. vivi isn't their friend because she doesn't like Ed which further dampens ed's theories on where to go because it ties into vivi and hope. there's an analysis on YouTube by MelonTree (I reccomend her entire chanel) which gets deeper into this. but the straw hats trust vivi and want what's best for her. so when Ed is screaming about where to go, they don't say WHY. they don't further in on how vivi's destination is wrong or how there's other possibilities. instead, Ed tells vivi that's its stupid, we're wasting time, I know where to go, why wont you listen.

they aren't listening to Ed because Ed isn't even listening either. Ed was making bets on vivi's country which is a funny gag, is INCREDIBLE dark to her. she has spent years invading buroque works and when she encounters this strange pirate crew they want to help. but this one crew mate isn't serious and theyre laughing and screaming at her because she's wrong. that is the pov of vivi towards Ed.

so Ed and vivi talk it out and here comes Ed, they realize that even tho I'm on the crew, that doesn't mean I'm likable. its seen through the fic that they start to work on themself and provide more evidence to theyre theories.

another thing, the title was familiar, idk why so why when I ask chatgpt what the title is: it doesn't talk about the fic but a fucking poem from the 1920's!?

"Surely some star binds me to you" is a line from the poem "Tea at the Palaz of Hoon" by Wallace Stevens. This poem, found in his collection "Harmonium" (published in 1923), explores themes of self-identity, imagination, and perception.

The line suggests a mystical or cosmic connection between the speaker and the addressee, implying that their bond is predestined or influenced by the stars. It evokes a sense of fate and the interconnectivity of all things, typical of Stevens' abstract and introspective style.

In this context, the "star" symbolizes an inescapable connection, potentially representing destiny, love, or an elemental link between individuals.' WHAT THE FUCK? anyway I'm burnt out and finished rereading the fic so imma go have ice cream like the dumbass I am ;p

Oh this is a fucking mammoth. For your dash's sake I'm putting this under a break lmaoooo

Ed having ✨issues✨ they had to work through was important to me. Hell Ed still having ✨issues✨ they're working through is still important to me. You know when people do those comparisons of a character at the start of a season and the end and they're just so much sadder and fucked up? The goal was to make that Ed. We'll see how that goes. I'm gonna 'to be loved is to be changed' this bitch if it's the last thing I do.

Ed has that kid in your math class that only writes the answer because showing your work is for cowards inside them. Ed fights that kid inside them like they want his lunch money.

I've watched a couple of MelonTree's videos, they are very good.

Idk what the hell ChatGPT is on but like... that is not correct? I went and read the poem, it's quite nice, but there isn't a single use of the word star in it and the line definitely isn't from it. THIS IS WHY I DON'T TRUST AI AIGHT????

I've mentioned it a couple times before, but the title comes from Persius's Satire 5, it's in Latin and there's a couple translations here and here (neither of which have the line as I have written lmao) and I'm sure plenty of others. The line is about his teacher and is very beautiful ok I like it a lot. I went and did a bunch of digging into it a while ago (because of course my stupid ass didn't do more than preliminary research on it before I NAMED MY FIC AFTER IT) and like... y'all....

(I'm paraphrasing because I'm tired and can't be assed to do more than reread the wiki page this shit) Persius's satires critique societal morals (he also gets upset people like other people's poems more than his but that might be ironic idk these things are DENSE and HARD TO READ), discuss themes of what you can ask of the gods, why you should have goals, why you have to know yourself, MOST IMPORTANTY and in the satire the line comes from; Stoicism and freedom (Stoics believe all men are slaves except Stoics, who are free), and how you should use money. Also very interesting, there's a lot of scholars who believe his satires (mostly the first one, I think??) have anti-Neronian sentiments — which is really fucking funny to me specifically because do y'all (if you're caught up) remember Iva talks about the 20 founding members of the WG and about Nerona Imu? And how empty throne Imu could totes be him if he had the eternal youth surgery thingy??? Idk if Nerona actually has anything to do with the emperor Nero (because of translation diffs and any subtleties in the original Japanese I'm too English speaking to understand) or if they just sound similar in English, but it's a hilarious coincidence to me either way.

OK RANT OVER GANG I'M SORRY.

[wc-confessions]

no disrespect to the ppl who worked on them but i have GOT to get this off my chest: serpent sol/sharpen your teeth/serpent and the stars is SO stupid and confusing my god. like ok yeah they have some of the most beautiful animation in any warriors maproject and i can tell the animators put a lot of love into it. but the story is so fucking confusing and so far removed from warrior cats that these may as well be original characters in their own story instead of some complicated undertale au ass shit

and yet whenever anyone ive seen say this publicly expresses this opinion u get former friends/supporters of cheeteh z (who distanced themselves from him immediately after the accusations against him came out but still continue to defend his work) coming out of the woodwork to say "errrmm this is actually rly rude to say bc cheeteh has done so much worse :/ :/ :/ ur just selfish/hating on him bc its the Popular Thing to hate on him now" or "ummm this is a WARRIOR CATS AU and ur getting mad at CHEETZ'S writing??? but canon is sooo much worse :/ kinda hypocritical" like YES!!! I KNOW CANON SUCKS!!! but ive seen so many incredible rewrites/original stories/aus based on this series that ARENT confusing messes!!! why is it Controversial to criticize cheetehs maps for being overly complicated/confusing??? bc multiple ppl worked on the animation??? im not attacking the ANIMATORS, im criticizing the STORY. i have nothing against the animators!!! their work is absolutely stunning!!!! but good animation does not make a warrior cats fan project good.

i used to be subscribed to cheetz bc i still think to this day that cowboy mapleshade is one of the best wc maps ive ever seen. and comparing it to the clusterfuck of bizarre au lore hes come up with over the past year you can see the major difference: you can actually TELL whats going on in cowboy mapleshade without having to read a goddamn script. if ur familiar w the books thats an added bonus. the serpent and the stars/cheetehverse stuff is just. a huge mess of bizarre storytelling decisions that even fans who are familiar w the books would have a hard time understanding at first glance. and just bc warriors itself is ALSO a messy series doesnt make it any better!!! im tired of ppl acting like the cheetehverse is immune to criticism just bc its based on warrior cats or bc a lot of ppl worked on it. my god i should be allowed to express my opinion on the work of a public figure in the fandom without being dogpiled by ppl who claim they dont support him anymore but get awfully offended whenever u criticize SatS's storytelling

anyway rant over. sorry that was long ive had these feelings bottled up for a rly long time LMAOOOO

[captainimprobable]

WHATS UP BABES I've got four cons coming up in the next three months so it's that time again! Lineup time!!!

Otakon: (in no partcular order bc idk when what is happening) -Human Marceline (with the gf as Bubblegum) -Vaggie (with the gf as Charlie) -Sunday is a choice rn between a)Willow, b)lolita, and c)if my friends have a group for something i may join! ANYC: Literally no clue bc its my hometown con and i dont usually plan far for that, but I do know Saturday Ill be either Vaggie or Fizzy bc my friends are being Adam and Lute. CCE: hehehehehehe this is the one ive been adding to steadily over the past few days so! -Thursday: "Meme Restaurants" group. I'm gonna be bimbo Burger King LMAOOOO i cannot wait The rest dont have a particular day yet but I am doing: -Cam from gtn (with maita as pal) -Fizz (and possibly Swim Fizz) -Emira (with Maita as Edric) -Swim Barbie (with Maita as butch ken lmaooo i cannot wait) -something matching with rachel that we havent decided on yet! NYCC: Lol. another one I never ever plan for. but the tickets were so fucking expensive i have to go so we will see UPDATING THIS AS I GO BC I ALWAYS CHANGE MY LINEUP

[winterrhayle]

rank red and lover and evermore

ok i should’ve expected this many☠️☠️☠️☠️

red (taylor’s version) this one is so difficult to rank bc its so LONG and tbh ive already changed my mind on the bottom rankings so ignore the numbers oh and im not ranking ronan bc. yeah.

i almost do - i literally could not tell you why but this has been my favourite song from red for a long long time,, probably because i’ve never gotten over anything ever

better man - WHY WASNT THIS ON THE ORIGINAL ALBUM😭😭😭😭😭😭

the moment i knew - AND IT WAS LIKE SLOOOWWW MOTION STANDING THERE IN MY PARTY DRESSS IN REEEEED LIPSTICK QITH NO ONE TO IMPRESS ok this song was always in my top 3 for red but atw10 really elevated it bc of all the references

the very first night - why are the vaults so GOOOD OMG this song is so fun and has such silly energy i love it

forever winter - this song is so devastating but also if i ignore the lyrics the horns make it a bop????

all too well 10 min version - what can i say it’s ALL TOO WELL. AND I WAS NEVER GOOD AT TELLING JOKES BUT THE PUNCHLINE GOES I’LL GET OLDER BUT YOURE LOVERS DTAY MY AGE

nothing new - phoebe bridgers makes me feel things. also i should now find this song and the fear of getting older relatable bc i’m literally ‘the kinda radiance you only have at seventeen’

babe - the sugarland version is good but taylor’s is so much better and i love the added ‘what about your promises promises’ thing

red - WHEN THE DRUMS COME IN OMGGGG ,, oh also random anec dote one time when i was 9 or 10 my teacher asked me for an example of a metaphor so i used one of these lyrics

i bet you think about me - I LOVE COUNTRY TAYLOR AND I LOVE SASSY TAYLOR (aka fearless taylor)

treacherous - that part where shes like 'i'll follow you follow you home' is so funny bc like girl are u a stalker or something😭

state of grace - for some reason i specifically LOVEE sreaming the lyrics 'twin fire signs, four blue eyes' even though i am a pisces with BROWN EYES???? (also this is one of the many rerecordings that sounded better in the og version,,, i only play tv though)

all too well (normal length version) - this one was top 3 before red tv was released but for some reason the new vocals dont hit the same😔i would still consider it to be a perfect song though,, atw is THAT GIRL 13/10

the last time - if u dont try to sing both parts of this and mess up then ur lyyyinnggggg

everything has changed - not 2 be a sheerio (i am NOT ONE) but the ed sheeran x taylor collabs on this album are so cuteeetetete and im obsessed with how the kid actors from this mv were used for joker and the queen mv like a decade later

22 - in 5 years this song will be on REPEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!AH OHHHHH I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT IM FEELIN TWENNY TWOOOOO

run - this is giving i know places and i loveeeee it 10/10 i love it when she collabs with ed within his musical range (this is a diss to endgame)

come back ... be here - THE BRIDGE. i love pretending that my (non existent) lover has flown allll the way to london soo far away from me (london is an hour drive from my house) and i am BREAKING DOWN BECAUSE MY MAN ISNT HERE (im literally a lesbian)

sad beautiful tragic - ok i dont ever actively search for this song but when it comes on i will listen to the whole thing every time. i think i said this about hoax but this is the type of sadness i craaave

holy ground - the forever & always > better than revenge > last kiss > holy ground > invisible string (that one line about the babies and presents) pipeline is one of my favourite things in the swiftverse ever everrrrr love u joe jonas

i knew you were trouble - remember that goat meme? yeah🥹

the lucky one - whoever said this song is evelyn hugo is so CORRECT.

we are never everrrrrr getting back together - I LOVE THIS SONG BUT SHE BOTCHED IT IN THE 2021 VERSION LMAOOOO RIP (ALSO SHOUT OUT TO THE ROCK VERSION OF THIS <333333)

begin again - this was such a perfect closing song for the standard edition of the album,, it ties off the whole break up album so well and it has her moving on to someone who treats her wife and ahhhhh

starlight - the 'have 10 kids and teach them how to dream' line rly catches me off guard sometimes😭 but i'll allow it

stay stay stay - THE PEOPLE WHO HATE ON THIS SONG DONT GET ITTTT. THE 5 MINUTE CRAFTS MUSIC IS CAMP. YOU CAN PRIZE STAY STAY STAY OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

message in a bottle - this song is so 2012 where was this in the og album😒😒😒😒 it could have been one of the greats with ikywt,wanegbt,22 but whatever (same with the very first night S.M.H)

girl at home - i didnt like the og version, and i know a lot of people dont like the different production it has on the rerecording but i actually prefer it,,, but its my least favourite song on the album still. rip.

i started that ranking at 6:22am and now its 6:25pm. ITS BEEN 12 HOURS HELP WHY IS RED SO LONG anyway,,,,,

LOVEERRRRRRRR (aka one of my 3 stan albums) also not ranking soon youll get better for the same reasons as ronan ^

daylight - can i just say,, I KNOW THIS SONG TECHNICALLY DOESNT COUNT BEFORE BC TOE IS NO LONGER A THING BUT IGNORE THAT PLEASE FOR THIS ONE😭 ok this one has some of my favourite lyrics,, including 'i once believed love would be burning red, but its golden' ARE YOU KIDDDINGGGGG SHE INFLUENCED THE SONG AND ALBUM RED. AS IN SHE THOUGHT LOVE WOULD BE BURRRNIN REDDDD LIKE THE LYRIC. U KNOW THE ONE IM TALKING ABOUT RIGHT (2 mins into red the song). OHH ALSO THE VOICE MEMO AT THE END IS SO ICONIC I WANNA GET 'YOU ARE WHAT YOU LOVE' TATTOOOOOOD ON MYSELF

the archer - one thing i will eat up every time is when a song is produces in a way that makes u feel anxious (either when theres build up with no beat drop/release OR when the drums are super threatening if that makes sense) eg, labyrinth and out of the woods. the archer is such a perfect song and i love the heartbeats that she puts in the bridge (reminds me of wildest dreams and youre losing me ahhhhhh) and whenever i see eras videos of this song people say they wish it wasnt on the set list and honestly i find that baffling. if i ever see that song live i will literally pass away AND if i go to eras i wanna dress up as the archer (cupid vibes)

miss americana & the heartbreak prince - can i just say IVE BEEN A STAN OF THIS SONG SINCE 2019 and it was my favourite from lover for years omg,, and when i saw she opened the eras tour with this one i was so happy bc its finally getting the recognition it deserves !!!!!

afterglow - this song is so criminally underrated and its one of the realest songs on the album,, like is shows that love isnt always perfect and thats such an important thing to know specially for delusional girls like me ohh also theres a few songs on lover that have very specific producion styles, its afterglow, daylight, cornelia street and all of the girls AND ITS MY FAVOURITE PRODUCTION STYLE IN HER DISCOGRAPHY its so light and airy and i cant describe it properly but i love it so much

lover - omg this was my top song on spotify wrapped 2021,, its like the textbook perfect love song and i love the vows in the bridge and i love(r) the 'we can leave the christmas lights till january' and i love the mundane romantic things like saving seats and letting your friends crash in the living room and ahahsuhfjsadlgajhdfhkasgdfhgas

cornelia street - ok unlike daylight, i literally cannon ignore how defesting this song is with the uhhh...,., recent events in the toe timeline, but honestly the existence of 'youre losing me' elevates this song even more with all of the parallels and irony and before this was a cutesie song about omg what if me and my lover break up but now its just a knife twisting in my heart and yeah. rip toe

its nice to have a friend - this was also one of my big stan songs in 2019,, the simplicity just drew me in and its such a sweet song and it reminds me of walking around after school in february where its still getting dark kinda early and u can see the sky turning pink and orange and yeah <3333333333333333 i know this song has its haters but they are all just cold hearted haters, what can i say

cruel summer - IMDRUNKINTHEBACKOFTHECARANDICRIEDLIKEABABYCOMINGHOMEFROMTHEBARSAIDIMFINEBUTITWASNTTRUEIDONTWANNAKEEPSECRETSJUSTTOKEEPYOUANDISNUCKINTHROUGHTHEGARDENGATESEVERYNIGHTTHATSUMMERJUSTTOSEALMYFATEOHHHANDISCREAMEDFORWHATEVERITSWORTHILOVEYOUAINTTHATTHEWORSTTHINGYOUEVERHEARTHELOOKSUPGRINNINGLIKETHEDEVIL

all of the girls you loved before - LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND COMPARE IT WITH PERMANENT MARKER, THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HOW SHE THINKS OF EXES THEN AND NOW IS SO FUNNY

i think he knows - this song makes me feel so silly and michevious idk why likeeeeee im listening to it right now and i feel like i wanna go annoy everyone in my houseee

ME ! - ok i know what u guys are gonna say BUT I DONT CARE. I AM A ME STAN. IF U DONT LIKE THIS SONG UR BORING AND HAVE NO FRIENDS SORRYYYYYYYY like yeah its cringe, yeah the lyrics are corny, but you know what??????? BABY THATS THE FUN OF ME (!) HE HE HEEEE the only valid critisism of this song is the inclusion of brendon urie and tbh that is valid i agree she should have made me (!) the feature

death by a thousand cuts - the way she put in the my my my my from the song lover is so rude and criminal bc why would she do that to me :( and i know this song is sad but imma be dancing around to that bridge idc idc

paper rings - omg this one is so nostalgic,,, i remember my ex gf used to make paper rings because of this song and she taught me and a bunch of our friends at school how to make them it was so fun,,, this was the song i associated with us once upon a time and now we're not a couple anymore but yk what???? i dont find this song sad its all good memories and me and her are still besties so whateverrrr *PAPER RINGS SUPREMACY*

london boy - THIS SONG >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> EVERYTHING BECAUSE LIKE SO MANY SONGS ON THIS ALBUM ITS SO UNSERIOUS AND A GOOD TIME,, IF YOU GET IT YOU GET IT!!!!!!! ALSO IT HITS DIFFERENT WHEN UR ENGLISH (taylor says she loves us <33333333) also shout out to these very iconic parts : 'we can go drivin in, on my scootuh' and 'pubwe' 'darling i fancy you' and its so funny how she literally just lists a bunch of places in london and its seems london until you put all of the locations in google maps and it makes the shape of a heart <3333333333

false god - that saxaphone😫😫😫😫 i rly hope taylor does more jazz in the future bc this song is so amazing

you need to calm down - shade never made anybody less gay FR,, like i said before, im a lesbian and this song makes me wanna tell everryyybody and its such a sillly fun song love love love,, i wish it was longer though

need - YEAHH IM DOING UNRELEASED TOO IDC,, i have this downloaded (very legally) on my spotify bc i (need)ed it very much and ill do it again. this shouldve been on the actual album #justiceforneed2023

the man - okayyyyyyy i diss this song often but i love it really,,, its so #millenialgirlboss

i forgot that you existed - ok i get the message and the whole idea of moving on from reputation idea but did it really have to be the album opener 😭 if somebody plays this album without having heard anything else from taylor and they hear 'in my feelings more than drake so yeah' THEY WILL LITERALLY NEVER LISTEN TO HER AGAINNNN ill allow it because its funny and im a satire girlie but taylor why couldnt you open the album with cruel summer☠️ screaming

evermoree

gold rush - ok guys you know how i feel about winlet and this song YOU KNOWWW THIS. gold rush is my all time most played song on spotify, and its so perfect and magical and if u listen to the dolby atmos stems theres some really nice drums and the 'my mind turns your life into folkloorreeeee' like is SO meta i love her for that

cowboy like me - con artists falling in love????? COUNT ME IN. ohh and i feel like im gonna do this a lot on this album but i have some lyrics that i neeeed to give a shout out to : 'and the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to f*ck this up' , 'now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon, with your boots beneath my bed, forever is the sweetest con' imagine being able to write like that likee damn girl

'tis the damn season - im so obsessed with how this song is the other perspective from the song dorethea,, this is honestly the song i listen to the most every december bc its just the perfect holiday song for me

ivy - I CANT EVEN SHOUT OUT LYRICS HERE BECAUSE THE WHOLE SONG IS LITERALLY GOD TIER LYRICISM. WHO LET HER DO THIS. HOW DOES ONE JUST WRITE ALL OF THIS???????????????? TS > SHAKESPEARE

marjorie - this song is such a beautiful one and its my mums favourite and she always tells me to play it when i have the aux 🥹 when taylor plays this at the eras tour and that part with marjories opera singing plays and u can see taylor crying i just wanna bawl my eyes out

evermore - every few months i rediscover this song and its so perfect and the part in the bridge where the intensity is building and bilding and in the line 'you were there' her voice softens and the whole feeling of anxiety just subsides andaahhhhhhhassdbfkssf , same energy as ootw where the bridge is super fast and anxious and the end shes like 'you were lookin at me' and her voice softens there too, its such a cool thing to do vocally and it rly tells u the perspective the song is from with her spiraling and her lover kinda pulling her back into the present (its giving jacinter energyy)

willow - for literally no reason whenever i hear this song i think of a mermaid and a pirate falling in love,, and theyre both lesbians (i dont make the rules thats just how it is ok) 'wait for the signal and i'll meet you after dark' the only logical conclusion to be drawn from this is that the mermaid and pirate are sneaking around bc mermaids and pirates hate eachother,, like romeo and juliet,,,, like ariel and eric. do u see the vision. do u see the forbidden love. yeah u get it (i know it says thats my man in the song but im choosing to ignore that) (ALSO IM NOT A GAYLOR THIS IS JUST HOW I LIKE TO THINK OF THE SONG LOL)

champagne problems - the fact that she wrote this with joe is insane like how do u sit with ur bf and write a breakup song like this as a fictional thing,, and then break up for the reason in said song 3 years later?????? wild😭

right where you left me - DELUSION ANTHEM 🗣🔊💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

tolerate it - man this song is depressing,, like u know how the song ends with 'i sit and watch you' thats because its repeating the fist line of the song. as in shes in a loop. as in she has all these thoughts and realisations and then realises she has to leave and then ends up right where she started and stays. deep.

no body, no crime - OHH IMAGINE SITTING ROUND A CAMPFIRE SINGING THIS ONE ITS SUCH A FUN MURDER STORY LOVEEE IT

coney island - the bridge with all the references 😫 'were you standing in the hallway, with a big cake, happy birthday / and they're all standing around me singing "happy birthday to you but there was one thing missing' , 'did I paint your bluest skies the darkest grey? / you paint me a blue sky then go back and turn it to rain' , 'and when I got into the accident the sight that flashed before me was your face / remember when you hit the brakes too soon? .... but when the sun came up, I was looking at you' , 'but when I walked up to the podium, i think that I forgot to say your name' / this ones about calvin harris but there isnt a song about it,, but she does talk about this in the miss americana documentary

long story short - this song is literally the whole of reputation summarised its so good

dorothea - this ones the betty of the album,, the simple acoustic part of a song parinng / group, like ive said i love it when she returns to her roots and releases things reminiscent of debut

its time to go - I HATE YOUUUU SCOOTER

happiness - this one is very sad but a little uplifting i guess, i find it so sweet how taylor writes songs for abigail (fifteen and this) to help her get through things

closure - ok i know this is at the bottom of my ranking but i actually really like this song a lot,,, the production is what people hate but i love how its all chaos, representing the whole drama with the breakdown in taylor and scooter / karlies friendships and then the piano comes in smoothly THROUGH the chaos, which reminds me of taylor just ignoring all that drama and being able to move on while theyre still just bothering her in the background

BEA. THIS TOOK AGES I HATE YOU HAHAHAHH

[moonssugar]

10, 16, & 20 for the pride asks please! :)

20. Have your ocs helped you in self discovery? How?

lets start off with 20 because its defintely the funniest lmaoooo

my main character sam is transmasc (a trans boy) and my tertiary protag is a lesbian (aubry) and she discovers this as the story goes out and let me to tell you there is nothing more hilarious than 1. writing and thinking extensively about how your character is a lesbian and pouring so much into that while being in total denial about yourself and 2. discovering even more about your own inwards trans feelings by giving your transmasc oc 90% of your personality and also through metaphor and symbolism by making a lot of the story a trans analogy. but wait, the character i see the most of myself in, sam, is transmasc but aubry, the second character i see so much of myself in, is a lesbian so how can these seemingly contradictory things be true simultaneously you ask? well it turns out that im a transmasc lesbian. who couldve saw that coming, right? (me. i saw this coming). still the funniest fucking thing about me like "yeah go ahead and tell yourself a story and accidently awaken something in yourself, this will be so funny and cool" and honestly it is so cool! one of the most writing things ive ever done

10. Does your oc celebrate Pride? How?

yes they do! sam has been to a local pride parade/event at some point with his parents (who are bi4bi). he also has a trans flag hanging up in his room that dual functions as a symbol of pride and also a window curtain that turns his room pink and blue at certain times of the day (its intentional). chelsie celebrates pride as well, mostly through self expression like with her clothing and style but she loves pride events too and collecting little pride themed objects that end up in random places. i feel like chelsie's way of celebrating pride is chaotic and spontaneous which suits her. both of them have pride themed bracelets and backpack pins, you know the baby queer stuff i love (i still love the baby queer stuff idc) and sam has trans, bi and rainbow themed tie dye shirts he made and loves to wear. aubry has never seen any pride flag or been to an event and she didnt even know gay people existed as well people and not the boogyman or theoretical person she heard about in church until she realized she was gay and met other queer people (and she literally has two dads LOL). but once she does she cant get enough of rainbows and the lesbian flag which in the alternate universe world where shes from no one knows its meant to symbolize queerness. so she gets to walk around with flags and colors that no one recognizes except her and her family. its hilarious, its her own "no one knows im a lesbian" pin. they just think shes from a different country or something (where all the pretty girls are from). sam and chelsie gifted her a lesbian flag through their mail system once she returned home and she cherishes it. mostly, i'd say my characters celebrate pride through living, being who they want to be and uplifting each other amd they love their glitter, music, make up, tie dye shirts, flags and rainbows too

16. Did you ever change an oc's identity when they were already established? Why?

my character's queer identities have been pretty solid since inception and through their development, its one of the things that have changed the least about them. sam used to be some flavor of trans/nonbinary but there are other nonbinary characters in my story now and sam ids with transmasc the most instead of nonbinary. chelsie has always been transfem as far as i can remember although i mightve imagined her cis one single time and then said "nah im gonna trans your gender no way in hell youre cis" when i didnt feel connected to her characterization [transgenderfication beam]. and aubry has remained gay as hell even as she started off as a completely different person that split into two then i used one half of the personality, refurbished it by gave it some religious trauma, pining and autism to create modern aubry then used the other half for something else. everyone else's personalities have started at the surface level idea of who i think they are and deepened and complexified from there and thats even more intricate than i could describe in one sitting and not always specifically about their queer identity

oh i almost forgot! one character (benjamin, aubry's father) has a bi panic awakening after he went through life identifying as gay and instead of a guy being the source of the panic it was aubry's mother (valid, i'd panic if i saw her too). his character started off as gay but aubry didn't hatch from a magic egg or grow from a pumpkin in a patch or fall to earth like a shooting start (amos's many joke versions of the birds and bees, amos is married to benjamin and is her dad #2) so i needed an explanation for that. he also discovers he's polyamorous in the process so good for him! other characters have become noticeably less cis over time but were already kinda gender weird to begin with if i squinted hard enough. like are you really cis if im writing you? be fr

also, sam's parents in my mind

[bi-bats]

for the get to know the author asks!!! 3, 6, 11, 18, 23, 25. i know thats a lot so feel free to pick and choose haha

p.s. i am LOVING your jaytim week works!! ive gushed in the comments but i really am having a blast reading everything that youve shared so far <3

ASLKDJFALSDKJ omg thank you!!! I'm so flattered that you want to know that much about me actually, cause I never shut the fuck up so this is going to be long 😂 And thank you SO much abt the jaytimweek fics!!! I worked so hard on them 😭 also!!! what's your ao3 username? I usually recognize my serial commenters (and as you probably know sometimes have full conversations with them) so let me know which one is you, if you're comfortable!!

Also, I answered all of these so I'm putting it under a read more because it is. So much lmaoooo

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

I write favorite scenes first- usually there's an idea that gets stuck in my head or a bit of dialogue and that hits the page first. Then that spirals into other thoughts I have to write down, until I have something that actually resembles a plot and has the beginning and the climax of the story. (For Know yourself it was chapter 1, then a scene from chapter 8, then the scene where they finally get together, then the scene where they fall asleep watching star trek for the first time, then a bunch of scenes I ended up having to cut. For Rooftops and Bookshops, it was chapter 1, then them getting together, then the scene in the breakroom, then the scene where Tim gets drunk.)

Then for a longfic I take my plot to the corkboard™️ and sort it out, and then I start writing in order. Usually, I end up completely rewriting the scenes I wrote beforehand as I go along, and sometimes I end up replotting the whole thing. Then I work on it chapter by chapter until I get to the end, but I usually along the way I keep writing scenes for future chapters when inspiration hits!

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now?

Honestly? All of rooftops & bookshops. I would rewrite the entire thing and change absolutely none of the plot or dialogue. It's just... the rest of the writing. God. It seems so rushed to me now? something something I've improved as a writer, but like. I would rewrite it if that wasn't so much work. And also, whenever I say that I hate it people rage at me, so. fine. I guess it stays. 🙄

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

Actually, plotting. I've been writing since I was in the third grade, and it took me FOREVER to realize that the reason I never finished anything was because nothing had a plot. Like, within the last 4 or 5 years I bought a book called Plot & Structure by James Scott Bell after listening to a writing podcast (No Write Way with VE Schwab) where Marie Lu (I think) recommended it, and suddenly, it wasn't just that I could write, it was that I couldn't stop writing.

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

Oh I get to talk about actual books!!! akdfalskdjfkj YES!!

Vicious by V.E. Schwab and the Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey, but honestly anything by either of them is amazing. The way both of them write is just so. SO. ASLKDFALSKDJ. For me, they both scratch the itch for sci-fi and characters that are incredibly fucked up but justified and logical and their prose is just perfect, especially when it comes to lines that just fucking slap. Sincerely, I don't have any fic recs for this one. Just book recs lmaooo

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

LMAOOOO okay so specifically when it comes to writing in this fandom, I have a lot of life experiences that have helped me write what I write, especially when it comes to writing Tim. Some of them are not so fun (<- overachiever perfectionist who thinks they need to do everything by themselves), but some of them are funny so we'll talk about those.

I have a coffee problem. Like, I know off the top of my head that the FDA recommends that a healthy adult doesn't ingest more than 400 mg of caffeine a day (I try not to ingest more than 384 mg a day), and you would overdose around 1200 mg of caffeine a day. I use this fact at least once a month when someone expresses concern about my caffeine intake, and I did not have to google that, just ask my girlfriend 😂

Also, I have severe insomnia, which predates the coffee problem. Usually, I average 5-6 hours of sleep on a good night, but I can go about 5 days straight getting between 2-4 hours of sleep before I have to do a night with at least 6 hours. I am intimately familiar with what running on that little sleep looks like. I once was not able to sleep for 4 days! So also, I know what that looks like! I have gone over 40 hours without sleep within the past four months! It just. happens. Like, at some point in the night the calculation stops being "how much sleep am I going to get if I fall asleep right now" and starts being "if I do sleep, will I be more tired than if I just don't?"

And it is such a useful reference when it comes to writing any of the bats, but especially Tim 😂

That also helps because in the time I am not sleeping, I am usually reading or writing. I'm a huge reader and that really has helped me. There's that one quote that's like "a person can be an expert in any field if they put 10,00 hours into studying it", and I have put in my 10k hours. If you write, reading is basically a part of the job.

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of

YES YES YES OKAY SORRY THEY'RE ALL BUMMERS BUT I'M SO PROUD OF THESE BITS. THE FIRST ONE ISN'T IN ANYTHING AS OF RIGHT NOW, THE SECOND ONE IS IN MY JAYTIMWEEK PIECE FROM TODAY, AND THE REST ARE FROM KNOW YOURSELF!!

Tim was his own worst critic. It was just self-defense, something he’d picked up while he was learning how to stay alive.  He’d learned how to slip binds, and how to take a hit, and how to be so harsh on himself that whenever someone found a new hurtful thing to say to him, it was the second time he’d ever heard it, because he’d already thought of it first.

But the strangest thing is how everyone believes Jason anyways. Just like that.  Then again, Dick is backing him up, so of course they believe him. Everyone believes Goldie, all of the time. He just flashes that gorgeous smile like a fucking master key, and Jason’s always been a tiny bit jealous that everyone else turned out so goddamn endearing. 

But apparently, his body had been hiding that instinct somewhere: Jason’s angry. Defend yourself. 

He’d done what he did best: tried to freeze over his white-hot anger, and still managed to be surprised when the ice cracked and steam shot out. 

Now he knew Tim wasn’t just some kid who slipped into his life like it was a suit that fit him better. 

This was what he did. He wrecked things. He couldn’t be trusted with anything delicate or valuable, because he’d crush it in his clumsy, blood-stained hands.

This was so much fun!!! Thank you for popping into my inbox and giving me a chance to ramble for a while, I had such a blast!!!

[villaincock]

ey yo seth! do you recommend the new fire emblem game? bc i ADORE FE but ive seen absolutely nobody talking about it so i have like. no reference from people who actually LIKE FE playing it, its just dudebros bitching bc "eww a new fire emblem and the protag is toothpaste lmaoooo" which is NOT helpful. also about your fic: dont feel bad, you write from PASSION as it SHOULD BE, grammar be DAMNED

thank you for your comment about my writing, it means a lot!! im glad u think so!

anyways, here is my Honest Opinion(tm) about Engage (under a cut bc its long):

yes, there are many unhelpful biased comments about the designs, the life sim aspects, and the story. ive seen the fucking "lolol toothpaste haha COLGATE heehee PEPSI lmao" joke over and over again with no end in sight. its not that funny anymore, guys.

BUT

to me, as a fire emblem fan (mind you, my first game was path of radiance when i was in ???middle school??? but the first fe game i FINISHED was awakening, when i was about 16 or 17), i think that Engage is fine as it is. :) the gameplay is what REALLY matters in a game, and the gameplay is VERY fun and challenging, so if nothing else, i'd recommend it for its unique playstyle. the story is kind of a rehash of awakening, with some details swapped out, and to me, the writing is actually sliiiiightly better here than in awakening. if you like awakening: great!!! you'll like the story in this game too! its a bit more in-depth, and the villains are focused on much more than in awakening, which i personally appreciate.

alear, the protagonist, reminds me a lot of robin, in that: they make their OWN choices, NOT the player's choice. for instance, in the first few minutes of the game, they decide to RUN from enemies instead of fight! they want to protect their stewards, vander and framme+clanne. i thought that was interesting. so far (and im almost finished with the game), i havent had a prompt about what i, the player, want to do in regards to a story beat. alear does the decision-making for you. even robin had a few player-driven choices to make, but not alear. alear is their own character. which is nice!!!

as for the life sim stuff, its very limited. the somniel is almost entirely optional. you can s support, but only alear can s support, and even then, NOT all of them are romantic in nature (see: pandreo and ivy, who both have romantic endings with alear regardless of their gender). if you choose, you can build and grind supports. the support convos arent always interesting, similar to awakening or fates, but they are cute and serve a purpose. but all that i just mentioned in this paragraph is not integral to the story AT ALL.

the story. the story is good, with some twists and turns here and there! we are supposed to get more characters and a new story option in wave 4 of the dlc (i am unsure when that is coming out!), and so the story might deepen with that dlc option. right now im doing a vanilla run with no dlc and ive been enjoying it thus far.

in short, im not DONE with the game, but i am REALLY enjoying myself so far. the battles are engaging (lol) and challenging (ive died on some skirmishes before :P), and i LOVE the characters, even if theyre not super deep. i hope the game has a satisfying ending and i suspect the replay value will be amazing, with all the unlockable classes there are :)!

id recommend you play it if youre a fan of fe, even if youre not crazy about the designs or the story. of course i cant dictate how others feel, but i actually enjoyed myself very much and remember to HAVE FUN and NOT CARE what ANYONE else thinks !!

[akashiayakashi]

i recently caught up to witch watch.

i really just do enjoy anything kento shinohara comes out with. SKET dance is my favorite shounen manga and it's far from perfect but the heart!!! the heart of it all!!

i like how he took the gags in sketdan and tightened it + the story making skills he developed in astra and weaved it into witch watch. like i feel the gags hit better now and the general pacing isn't as slow. i feel like the overarching story is pretty evident and the romance is properly developed. i've been so !!!!!!! with keigo/nemu lmaoooo and ive had a slow burn with moi/nico. they're not even a slow burn but it's also just nice seeing all their friends trying to help nico out with her love.

the current arc is hmmm it'll be very interesting where this will go.

ofc i got emotional over the sketdan crossover ofc i did.

i do think that some jokes hit better if animated bc the text is sooooooo long but skimming thru it gets u the same impact if you understand the gist at least

or

if you're japanese bc stuff like puns won't work with the language barrier. i think the tls are ofc trying their best to do it regardless, but some things are hard to express in other languages (as a bilingual i will attest to that)

anyway, it's really fun. i dont think it's that popular but hopefully it can get an anime like its predecessors and rise up to some sorta popularity like the other two did hehe

[dnpbeats]

my thoughts:

PHIL BEING BOSSIER I KNOW THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT!!!

dan starting to mouth “a shed?” after phil says it lmaoooo

every time dan says 15000 food 30000 gold it makes me think of 55 burgers 55 fries

MATCHING GLITTER PHONE CASES I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL THEM

ive answered all of the questions correctly so far they aren’t special 🙄

ik they felt so slick answering the snoring question with a tour bus anecdote

answering each other for who starts more arguments 😭 I love them

“glass, card, release kind of guy” that’s what phil did to dan in 2009 but he forgot to release him

dan saying he doesn’t know how to explain that he would be an onlyfans model in another life… babe u don’t need to explain 😭

“in a towel on bed” dreams do come true ❤️

the QR code covered up dan doing that face that used to be his tumblr pfp :((

finally getting a chance to watch the video these have been the longest 4 hours of my life 😭

[macaroni-rascal]

a hard-won lesson: a married bawson smut fic

As promised, my dear Jennifer @magicinhermadness​ , who is my face and also just the best ever. They are married in the fic but Mike still calls her Baker, I think of them as like the baseball Jim and Pam.

Basically: Ginny is a little shit, does something on purpose to rile Mike up and he tries to teach her a lesson. 

(There is some spanking and a little bit of dirty talk, just as a warning – and this gif is purely for the hand porn…and the neck porn…and the arm porn…and beard porn…and…)

(cross posted on ao3)

Mike walks into his house and immediately understands why people are sometimes driven to commit murder.

He takes three deep breaths, rolls his neck, and calmly closes every cupboard that Ginny has left open. Mike cannot count the times he’s chided her, made fun of her, outright begged her to stop leaving the fucking cupboards open. 

It’s one of his pet peeves, just one of those things that makes him want to scream into a pillow with rage.

Ginny knows this, has seen him rant to her while she stands to the side, barely trying to hold back her amused smile at the obvious torment she’s causing him.

He doesn’t know if she’s doing it on purpose, but it feels a little cruel. If she knows it makes his blood boil, why in the world would she continue to do it? She’s not that inconsiderate or unaware of herself. 

So, why is his wife doing this to him?

“Ginny!" 

"Up here, old man!”

Her voice carries down from the bedroom and he debates asking her to come downstairs but decides to go to her. He’s always loved seeing her in their bed, she loses tension, spreads out, is at her most vulnerable. 

Christ.

She’s laying on her stomach, reading a book on top of the covers. She’s wearing a pair of Padres boy shorts, a personal favourite of his, and a dark tank top. Her hips bounce a little on the bed and she stretches, lifting her ass into the air.

His hands itch with a need to touch her.

Once again, she has to know what she’s doing.

She must.

Ginny turns her head and smiles, rolling over and rising to her knees, crawling to the end of the bed and waiting for him to walk over. She opens her arms expectantly, a warm smile on her face.

When he stays where he is, her head tilts and her arms drop. He squints at her because she looks confused, but there is something off about it; something underneath he can’t quite identity.

“You know I love you right?" 

Her face screws up a little, "That sure is an ominous way to start a conversation, Lawson.”

“I just wanted to remind you before I started yelling, Mrs. Lawson,” even when he’s mad he can’t help but flirt.

I mean look at her, he thinks.

She settles back onto her haunches, lips pursing ever so slightly as she raises her eyebrows in question.

Once again, there is something in her expression that he can’t place and it makes his gut tighten.

“The cupboards, Ginny.”

Her expression stays the same but he could swear there’s a twinkle in her eye and the briefest smirk crosses her face before she goes back to looking innocent and confused as can be.

“Did I leave them open again?” Her eyes go wide and she tilts her head ever so slightly. He glares at her and she just bites her lip, trying to stop what looks to be the makings of a shit-eating grin from taking over her face.

“Ginny…”

“Mhm?” Her lip is firmly in the clutches of her teeth as he slowly stalks towards her; her head tilts back to maintain eye contact and he feels his pants start to tighten uncomfortably. 

That little shit.

She did do it on purpose. 

He reaches out a hand when he gets within touching distance and cups her cheek, thumbing at her lip until her teeth let go. She kisses the digit before opening her mouth and sucking on it, eyes teasing and playful. 

In an instant he runs his hand down to her neck and makes her tilt her head higher.

“That’s the only thing you’ll be getting in your mouth today, Mrs. Lawson,” his voice is rough, low, full of promise.

She lets out a small broken whimper and he sees her squirm underneath his palm. He, whoever, is going to have fun putting his mouth wherever he likes.

Her pliant mouth is open and waiting for him when he leans down, sighing happily at her taste as she lets him dictate the speed and intensity of the kiss. Her arms come up to try and keep him close as she raises back onto her knees so they’re level.

His hands run down her back, feeling the flex and play of her muscles as she settles more fully into his body. Her own intrepid fingers map his chest, run up his arms, locking around his neck again and pulling him as close as possible. 

Ginny rubs against him insistently, no doubt feeling the consequence of her teasing against her belly. It feels wonderful and Mike sucks her bottom lip into his mouth, biting like she had, nipping just on the point of too hard as she groans happily. 

So, she’s in that sort of mood.

Okay then.

He digs his fingers hard into her hips to cease her movement and Ginny stills in his arms immediately.

Good girl.

He must murmur it out loud because he feels her shiver ever so slightly and hears her breath catch. Open, trusting eyes meet his when he pulls back to take her in. He doesn’t mind her leaving the cupboards open so much anymore. 

“Mike…,” she goes to lean in again but he evades her, she groans and twists her fingers into his hair, “oh, fuck me,” she murmurs it, desperate and pleading.

“I don’t know if you deserve it after what you did,” he feels himself grow harder, watching her reaction. She tries to grind into him again but he’s holding her hips too tightly. 

“Please, I want you, I want you inside me,” her voice is so raw, he hasn’t even fucked her yet and she sounds mindless with want. Mike feels a bone deep need to thrust inside of her and give her everything she’s begging for, but something holds him back.

She is loving this and he wants to indulge her. He wants to give her anything. 

“Are you wet for me?" 

She nods, a small whimper escaping her.

"And how do you want it? Do you want my hand?” He curls a hand down from her hip to cup her through her shorts, feeling the heat and moisture through the fabric. He holds back a grown at how easily she’s ready for him.

“Or my mouth?” As he kisses his way down her throat, biting at her left nipple through her tank top.

“Or something else?” She’s shaking like a leaf in his arms, she always does when she’s past turned on and fully out of her mind with lust. 

Mike hears her mumble something, low and indistinct. The hand that’s still cupping between her legs moves back and forth over her, giving her pressure and something to grind down on, as he prompts again:

“What was that? You have to tell me what you want, otherwise…,” he makes to pull his hand away and that shocks her into a clear response.

“You! Mike, I just want you, touch me, please just touch me,” her fingers are flexing where she’s clutching him, the desperation in her voice making his arousal bump up a few notches while his ego inflates along with it. 

Goddammit, his wife sounds so fucking beautiful when she begs. 

“I am touching you,” he pointedly slides his free hand under her shirt. 

Ginny lets out a small, frustrated cry than makes him smile. 

She always takes a little bit of coaxing until she feels comfortable enough to be honest and open with him like this. He doesn’t mind, he’ll wait as long as she likes, he’s in no rush. In fact, she seems to be the more impatient one of the two.

“Your mouth, I want your mouth on me then I want you dick inside me, I want to be able to feel you later, please…” it all comes out in a rush and somehow, he becomes even harder, finally hearing her let go for him.

He shoves her back onto the bed, she goes willingly, languid and perfect.

“I can’t fuck you with your panties on,” his hands go to his belt and he all but preens when she gets distracted as he pulls out his erection and gives it a few pumps, teasing her and giving himself a little relief.  

“Panties off, Baker,” he orders firmly and she scrambles to remove them, her eyes never leaving the movement of his hand. 

“Good girl,” he praises, the wet fabric is disregarded carelessly and she bites her lip in anticipation when he crawls onto the bed beside her. Mike climbs on top of her, loving how warm and perfect she feels underneath him.

He kisses her, licking into her mouth, plundering, swallowing her helpless moans and choked whimpers.

Mike takes a slow, teasing path down her body, sucking marks and biting hard enough to make her gasp and writhe. When he reaches his destination, he gives her one long lick, delighting in how her hips buck under his mouth. 

“Don’t move,” he orders and she stills instantly.

He decides he’s not going to help her, not going to hold her hips or legs, it’s going to be up to her to keep still. Mike settles back into the task at hand, licking into her, nipping at her lips and nosing at her clit while she tries in vain not to squirm.

“I said, don’t move,” he speaks into her wet warmth, kissing over her softly and slowly as punishment.

“I need…more…. I-I! Mike!” He sucks on her bundle of nerves while his chin and beard rub into her. She thrusts into his face and he pulls back completely.

“No, don’t stop! I’ll be good, please, Mike, oh please…,” she’s all but sobbing and he just grins savagely when she finally focuses enough to look down at him. 

“Turn over and up on your knees,” she complies instantly, only letting out a small whine at needing to move and knowing he’s going to make her wait longer.

He runs both of his palms down her back to grip her ass firmly. Without warning he spanks her left cheek, more playful than anything but she moans loudly and wiggles under his hand so he settles in to punish her in full. He spanks her a few more times, harder each time until she can’t form words anymore, only high pitches groans and loud gasps.

He can see the evidence of how turned on she is, her wet thighs and glistening entrance, so perfect and tempting. His dick is almost painfully hard and he wants to slide into her so badly.

“Do you think you’ve earned it yet?” He asks, voice so gritty and turned on he barely recognizes himself.

She sags into the bed, muscles going lax then tensing as he slaps her ass again when she takes too long to answer.

“Yes! Please! I’m good, I need you inside me,” she’s talking into the pillow, her words jumbled and desperate and he can’t help the swoop on his stomach at how fucked out she sounds.

He doesn’t warn her, just drives into her body fully, only pausing for too short a second considering how hot and perfect she is around him, before pulling out and setting a punishing rhythm.

All Ginny can do is try and hold on as he uses her body, small moans escape her every time he bottoms out and he can feel how close she is, how close she’s probably been ever since she left the cupboards open, knowing this was going to be the end result.

Fuck, he loves her.

“So good, oh fuck, oh! Oh!” He reaches under her to circle her clit before rubbing over it hard. He wants to overwhelm her, for her to have nowhere to escape to, so she has to give in, give him everything.

Two more thrusts and she explodes around him, letting out hoarse and broken moans, her back contracting as she milks his dick, chasing her orgasm unashamedly. 

Mike follows her a few seconds later, her velvet soft walls clutching him perfectly, making him feel at home, out of his mind, almost divine with rapture. 

They fall onto the bed together, breathing heavily and slowly coming back down to earth.

When Mike can feel his limbs again, he shuffles down the bed and spreads a hand over the hot skin of her ass, sensitive from his attention. 

“Feeling okay?” He asks, because he always does after they do anything like this.

Ginny only lets out a long, satisfied moan, pressing back into his hand and if he hadn’t just come he’d flip her over and take her again.

She’s insatiable.

A little while later, after all the sweat had cooled and they’d climbed under the blankets, Ginny scratches at his beard and throws him a playful smirk.

“So, you don’t mind if I leave the cupboard open, then?”

He doesn’t answer, just growls playfully and pins her underneath him.

Guess she didn’t learn her lesson the first time.

[peacesought]

if you ever see a reference in one of my threads that doesnt seem quite right or isnt quite how u remembered it happening in sw guess what youre correct bc idk what the fuck im talking about 

[writinggremlin]

Shit. Found this only 4 minutes after it was posted. The fortune telling from last week hasn't worn off yet apparently lmfao.

This is likely not going to have much reaction from me this time. Sorry in advance! Joined a couple new discord servers and the sudden influx of socialisation has left me a lil spoonless lmao

(Update: I lied, there's a lot lmfao)

YEAH!!! MORE LILY HYPNOSIS LETS FUCKIN GO!!

Awwww platonic intimacy we love to see it.

Lex asked Oliver's permission before picking him up-- my fucking heart-- I love that!!!

Fair enough, Oliver, there's bound to be some betrayal. That makes sense, it's understandable.

"I will do it this time, or perish trying. I swear it." For realsies this time? You mean it? You're sure it'll work? I see we are far from seeing the last of wet cat Lex lmao

Oliver gets treats!! :D!! He gets a lil treat for his troubles! (And then Lex can also have a lil treat for his struggles too! :D! Yippee!!!)

FITZ!!!! FITZ MENTION!!! OH BOY IVE BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING FOR THAT!!!! WHEN YOU SAID SOON I DIDN'T THINK YOU MEANT THAT SOON!!! WE GET A LIL TREAT FOR OUR SUFFERING TOO YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!! :D!!!

"With everything that had happened lately, Oliver had nearly forgotten about his master's friend, [...]" same Oliver, ngl. I remembered that part of the plot back in April, and have been excitedly awaiting the moment of his arrival ever since. His grand entrance shall be entirely worth the wait, I'm sure djsbsjbsjsba

SCREAMING AT THE THOUGHT OF FITZ DRINKING FROM OLIVER-- THIS POOR GUY JUST MELTING-- HIS MIND BECOMING A MUSHY PUTTY IN FITZ'S HANDS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I NEED IT I CANT FUCKING WAIT FOR THIS!!!!!!

✨Lovers✨ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sorry, I had to. They're cute.

Awwww I can see Fitz occasionally using the connection with Lex, complaining and ranting about how dreadful this voyage is, and how much he hates being on the ocean and how he can't wait to finally be on land again. Maybe even being like "Can we please just kill your sire already so that I never have to put myself through these horrors again?"

Lex and social skills? You're saying that about Mr. "Excruciating horrors of mingling" over here?? lmaoooo

Their banter is cute tho. I love it.

OH DAMN OK WE'RE STRAIGHT INTO THIS-- ALSO DELICIOUS SOUP CONFIRMED LETS GO!!!!

WOAH WOAH WOAH WAIT WHAT-- wait-- is this a guided meditation thing? Is this her helping him undo it?? Is he not actually there and this is just in Oliver's mind? I have a sneaking suspicion.

Yep. It's just in his head. Good. I wonder what's actually happening in reality though. Did Lily hypothesize him to make him believe that she was the Maestro? If so then oof to her for having to relive some of that. Couldn't have felt nice roleplaying as someone who's deeply traumatized you.

YEP THERE WE GO ITS CONFIRMED THAT IT WAS JUST IN HIS HEAD! PHEW!!!

The way my stomach dropped at first tho lmfao

Also I was correct she did make him think that she was the Maestro lookit me go! But yeah that probably sucked for both of them.

AWWWW SHE COMFORT HIM YESSSSS AAAAAA

CAT!!!! CAT!!!! CAT ALERT!!!! AND HER NAME IS LUNA!!! YES OLIVER SCRITCH THE ADORABLE FLOOF YESSSSSS!!!!! NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER UNLOCKED!!! MOVE ASIDE FITZ THERES A NEW STAR OF THIS SHOW!!!!! (/j I love you Fitz you will always be the true star)

"She was done up in the latest fashions," Jessica? "and had a scrawny looking man on a leash" Yep. Jessica.

JSBSJDBSJS LEX IS JUST LIKE "I am in hell :D! Please help me :D!" ...mood.

Oh damn now Oliver gets to witness what he looked like at the start of all of this. Damn. He's come a long way.

OUGH-- HE'S FULLY ON THE VAMPIRE'S SIDE NOW HOLY DAMN-- OUGH-- THATS A REALITY CHECK MOMENT RIGHT THERE-- DAMN!!!!

It gives the vibes of Quinn at the end of Corporate Retreat. I love that.

"[...] the sky filled with a thousand brilliant stars." Ugh. Lucky. Why'd I have to be born in the era of light pollution, huh? That's not fair.

AWWWW THEY GET A WALK!!!

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! THEY'RE SO ADORABLE FUCK--

OH I AM SO EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEK THAT SOUNDS SPECTACULAR!!! Sounds like there might be some ✨shenanigans✨

FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FOTZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FIZT FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FUTZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FIGZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FUTZ FITZ FIGZ FITZ ZFIT ZFITZ FITZ FUTZ FITZ FITZ FITZ FITZ F--

The Rare Bookseller Part 55: Lily's Illusion

Previous > Masterlist

tw: blindness, conditioning, hypnosis, body control, abuse, aftermath of hand whump

October 1925

Oliver's sleep was troubled, filled with nightmares where he couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything to make his body obey him. Alexander's sire was shoving him below the waves, drowning him while he was helpless. Alexander was being tied up and tortured, and there was nothing Oliver could do for his master but watch, and --

He woke up in a cold sweat, heart pounding too fast. It was pitch black, and despite being wide awake and terrified, he couldn't open his eyes. He couldn't see where he was, couldn't remember, and cold hands came out of nowhere to grip him tight. In a panic, he screamed, kicking his assailant and struggling out of his grasp, thick blankets impeding his escape.

"Oliver!" said a familiar voice. "Oliver, it's only me. You're safe."

His master. That's where he was -- in his master's bedchambers, in his master's arms. He took a deep breath, trying to expel the fear from his body. He was safe, even though he still couldn't open his eyes.

Alexander gently pulled him in closer, and Oliver accepted it, relaxing back onto the bed. "Sorry, sir."

"No need to apologize. I understand completely. My sleep has also been uneasy, although much improved by your presence," he said. "Are you still blinded?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then we should head to Lily's as soon as you're ready," he said. "Although I suppose I'll have to help you dress and wash."

Oliver's face flushed. "Ah, I'm sure I can manage, sir…"

"Manage with your eyes closed? I won't have you falling down the stairs and harming yourself," he said with a tone that brooked no argument. "I'm going to pick you up now, all right?"

And Oliver felt himself being lifted by unnaturally strong arms, floating through the air with only his master as his tether to the world. Alexander seemed to sense his distress, as he hummed a tune under his breath as they walked, one that made Oliver's tense muscles relax. Despite that, the sensation of going down the stairs was still disconcerting.

"If you drop me off at the door to the bathroom, sir, I can take care of my business," said Oliver, hoping to retain some dignity.

"Very well, but I'm going to tend to your wounds afterwards. I need to make sure they're clean."

Oliver thankfully knew the layout of the bathroom well enough to find the toilet and sink, embarrassed at needing so much aid from his master and already quite tired of groping around in the dark. When he was finished, Alexander entered, removing his shirt to look at his back.

"It's terribly bruised, but the few cuts are shallow," Alexander murmured, applying some cool salve. "…You must think I'm a terrible coward for accepting my sire's command to strike you, rather than standing up to him."

"I don't, sir," he said, and it was almost true. "If you had tried, I don't doubt it would have been worse for both of us." He did know that, but in his heart, he wished that his master had protected him.

"There's only one way I can truly protect you," said Alexander, as though he had read Oliver's mind. "I need to kill him. It's easier said than done, of course, but… I will do it this time, or perish trying. I swear it."

Oliver didn't have to wonder what would happen to him in the entirely possible event that his master did perish trying. He'd no doubt end up in the hands of Alexander's sire, perhaps permanently, and the thought almost made him want to plead with Alexander not to try.

Instead, he shoved that unpleasant thought from his mind as best he could. "Will Miss Lily really be able to undo my punishment, sir?"

"I'm sure she will. Her mastery when it comes to controlling the human mind is unparalleled," he said. "And for enduring these latest hardships, I'll also make sure the pantry and icebox are well-stocked with whatever foods you favor. Anything you need."

"I appreciate it, sir."

"And the night after next, my dear friend Fitz arrives from overseas."

With everything that had happened lately, Oliver had nearly forgotten about his master's friend, and he was gripped by a wave of dread at the thought of another visiting vampire. "Is there anything I should know, sir, to better serve your friend?" he said, trying to feel out the situation.

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that. Just be your usual self, and I'm sure he'll just adore you. He's been after me to get a decent thrall for ages, you know," said Alexander. "Just be patient with him, give us space when we ask for it, and -- oh, I'm sure he'll want to drink from you."

The place where the Maestro had dug his fangs into Oliver's neck throbbed with pain. "He will, sir?" said Oliver reluctantly.

"It won't be painful!" his master reassured him quickly. "Fitz is nothing like my sire. His feeding will be as gentle as mine. He won't harm you, I swear it."

"I'm glad of that, sir," said Oliver, who still couldn't quite calm his anxiety.

"It probably won't surprise you to learn that my sire is the reason Fitz fled this city and resides overseas," said Alexander. "When my sire is finally dusted, he'll return to me. He'll come live in the manor with his thrall, and we'll be together at last."

Oliver had never heard his master sound so wistful. "He must be very important to you, sir."

"I suppose you would figure out sooner or later that we're old lovers. Fitz certainly won't make a secret of it."

"Lovers?" He was sure he was unable to hide the surprise on his face. "I didn't realize you had any lovers, sir."

"I confess that it's often a painful subject for me. Less so when I know he's on a boat heading over the Atlantic at this very moment. We share a bond, you see, and I can tell by how miserable he is -- he's always been especially prone to seasickness," said Alexander fondly. "But as much as I'd like to spend the evening pining fruitlessly, we really should get to Lily's as early as we can, lest she head out for the night before we can consult her. I'll guide you to the bedroom and help you put on the clothes I've chosen for you."

Oliver let himself be guided without a fuss, still loathing the fact that he was so helpless that he wasn't even able to choose his own clothes. If Miss Lily couldn't help him, if he had to resign himself to weeks of blindness and lose even more of his remaining autonomy to his master, unable to even indulge in the simple joy of reading, he wasn't sure he could endure it.

Soon enough, they were stepping out into the chill fall evening, Alexander keeping a firm arm around Oliver to guide him through the streets. It was distressing to be able to hear other pedestrians on the sidewalk, to feel the uneven stones under his feet, without being able to open his eyes and see anything. He was entirely reliant on his master to navigate the familiar city, and if Alexander let go, Oliver would be immediately lost and helpless. Thankfully, he clung to Oliver tightly.

"We're here," said Alexander. "There are four steps in front of you - let me help you up them."

Oliver heard a loud knocking, then footsteps and a door creaking open.

"Oh, Lex!" said a familiar voice. "I thought you were my 9pm appointment arriving early. And what on earth happened to your hand?"

"Our sire's handiwork, of course. Are you taking customers today?" asked Alexander. "I hope you have some time to help us. It's a bit of an emergency."

"Come in, come in," said Lily, and Oliver felt himself being gently nudged forward into a very warm room. "You know very well I'll make the time, but I'd rather get started right away. I assume our sire has done something to Oliver?"

Alexander's hands rested on Oliver's shoulders. "He commanded Oliver to keep his eyes closed and now he can't open them. My poor thrall is quite blind."

"Oh, dear," she sighed. "That's a surprisingly mild punishment from him, though. He must have approved of Oliver."

"Oliver comported himself magnificently. The very picture of an ideal thrall," said Alexander, and Oliver's heart felt warm from the praise. "Another reason why he deserves to have his sight restored as soon as possible."

"Let me see." Oliver felt soft hands touch his face. "Oliver, dear, what did he tell you as he was forcing your eyes to close? The exact phrasing, if you can."

Oliver's memories felt muddled and hazy from fear and enthrallment, but he could remember that. "He told me he was placing lead weights on my eyes, sir, that they're too heavy for me to lift, and that he is the only one who can move them."

"All right. I believe I can work with that. Come with me. Lex, you stay out here, and if my 9pm arrives, try to keep her occupied with your sparkling wit and impeccable social skills."

"You can't be serious about that."

"Leaving your manor and socializing sometimes is good for you," she said, as she touched a hand to Oliver's back and pushed him along.

Oliver heard a door close behind him.

"Can you sit down, dear?"

She took his hand and placed it on the seat of a chair, and Oliver sat, sinking into the soft leather. He realized that the chair was awfully familiar -- the twin of the chair in Miss Lily's room at the auction house. The association caused his mind to fog and he couldn't keep from letting out a yawn, already three quarters of the way to trance.

"You remember, don't you?" said Lily, as she ran fingers through his hair and down his cheek. "So obedient, so docile. So sleepy. And so very, very quiet."

Oliver was utterly helpless against the tide of hypnosis gripping his mind. His head lolled backwards as he let out a soft groan. With his eyes already closed tight, it felt natural for sleep to wash over him.

"Quiet, Oliver, you're so quiet. You're sinking back down under my power now. You're completely safe with me. Safe for you to fall asleep, fall deep asleep. You're so drowsy, aren't you? A quiet, docile boy like you just wants to sleep and listen…"

She kept murmuring to him, but Oliver was already out like a light, quiet and sleepy and dreaming. After the terror of the previous night, it was so good to sleep so soundly, comfortable and content. Oliver felt like he could float in this pleasant dream forever.

That is, until he heard footsteps. Footsteps which did not belong to Lily or his master. Footsteps that were oddly light and perfectly in rhythm.

No, it couldn't be. That was impossible. There was no way that he was here --

But he could feel it already, the hold over his body, the feeling that his flesh and bones no longer belonged to him. He wasn't being manipulated, not yet, but he could sense it all around. He was here and in control, and Oliver could barely think through the numbing terror that gripped him.

"Wake up," said the musical voice of Alexander's sire, followed by a crisp snap. "I don't recall allowing you to sleep."

"I'm sorry, sir! I didn't mean to fall asleep." Oliver felt himself forced out of the chair and into a kneel, his back ramrod straight and his sweating hands clasped behind him. He couldn't budge an inch, and although he still couldn't open his eyes, he could feel that icy gaze boring into him.

"I don't understand why you think that disobedience out of poor self control is better than disobedience on purpose. Disobedience is disobedience."

"Yes, sir," said Oliver, trembling, waiting for a slap across his still tender cheek.

"I suppose, though, if you're to have any use as a servant, you'll need to have your eyes open, lest I have to puppet your wretched form everywhere," he said. "I will remove the weights on your eyes, and you will be appropriately grateful, and then you will serve me however I please."

Oliver swallowed nervously, dreading what the Maestro had in store for him. "Thank you very much for allowing me to serve you, sir."

"I will lift the heavy weight off each of your eyelids," he said, and Oliver felt something brush over his eyes, "and then you will graciously be allowed to open them on your own."

Despite being so eager to be cured earlier, Oliver was reluctant to open his eyes now, not wanting to face Alexander's sire once again, not understanding how he came to be here. But he had no choice. He opened his eyes…

…and there was Miss Lily standing before him.

He looked around in a panic. The Maestro was nowhere to be found, a phantom conjured by his own imagination and Miss Lily's mesmerism. "You…"

"He was the only one who could remove the command. I had to make your mind believe that I was him," she said. "I'm sorry for giving you such a fright, but it was the easiest way to undo what was done."

Oliver's heart was still pounding, unable to calm. "Yes, sir… thank you…"

"Poor dear, you're trembling like a leaf. Let me soothe you before sending you back to your master," she said. "Quiet now, Oliver. Quiet your frightened mind. You're safe here. It's only me."

"It's only you, sir…" said Oliver, sinking back into a merciful daze.

"That's right, and I take such good care of you, don't I?" she said with a smile. "You can relax now. Deep breaths, Oliver dear, deep breaths. Let all that tension out. Let that fear fade away. Let your mind be so, so quiet."

Oliver followed her instructions, taking deep breaths, and soon he did feel calmer, the terror of the hypnotic illusion fading. It was only a dream, one which could fade away into the obedient quiet of his enthralled mind.

"Lex is always singing your praises when he talks to me, you know," said Lily. "You're an absolute natural at serving a vampire, just as I knew you would be. Doesn't it make you feel good to serve Lex?"

It was both question and command, reinforcing his conditioning, and Oliver fell into it easily. "I very much enjoy serving Lex, sir."

"Of course you do, sweet boy. You've been so brave, and you deserve to feel good." She patted Oliver on the head one last time. "Now, if you're feeling better, why don't I return you to your master?"

"Yes, sir," said Oliver, feeling like a weight had been lifted from more than his eyes.

They left the stark conditioning room and stepped out into Miss Lily's home, which was done up very differently from Alexander's, filled with bright colors, fussy details, and homespun knick-knacks. A fat black cat ran up to Miss Lily and began winding around her ankles, and she scooped it up and gave it a kiss on the head. "This is Luna," she said. "Her brother Sunny is probably off on Miriam's lap."

"Hello, Luna," said Oliver, giving her a scritch.

As they walked down the hallway, Oliver could hear a steady stream of excited patter. "…and then I told him, is that really an appropriate place to take a lady on a date? And you know what he said? He said, well, they hardly ever hold horse racing at night, so I thought you'd like to see it. And I said, I can't see a blessed thing even with a vampire's eyesight. And then --"

They entered the parlor, where Alexander was sitting on a frilly gingham couch and nodding politely to everything a young woman was saying. She was done up in the latest fashions, and had a scrawny-looking man on a leash, kneeling at her feet. He looked at Oliver with fear in his eyes, pleading, as though there were anything Oliver could do.

"Ah, you had an appointment for 9pm, I believe?" said Miss Lily to the woman. "I appreciate your patience. I had an emergency job, but I'm free to take your thrall to the conditioning room now."

"Oh, it's no trouble at all!" she chirped. "I've been having a lovely time with Lord Alexander here." She stood up and handed the man's leash over to Miss Lily. "Just a thorough reconditioning for obedience and contentment, please. The place I bought him from did such an awful job -- you can see how distressed he is, and you should see the faces he pulls when it's time to feed. He's already escaped twice and I had to waste so much time tracking him."

"Of course, it's my pleasure," she said.

"No…" The thrall was backing away from Miss Lily, practically choking himself with his own leash. "No, please…"

Miss Lily knelt down and pet his head like one would a dog. "It's all right, dear, you'll see. Why don't you just relax? Just relax. Calm and peaceful, okay? I'm not gong to hurt you. Everything's going to be okay."

Oliver watched in fascination as the fear bled away from the thrall's expression, his eyes fixed on Miss Lily's and becoming glassy and dazed. He couldn't help but wonder if he wore a similar expression when he was under Miss Lily's spell.

"That's a good dear. So relaxed and at ease," she cooed. "You're going to feel so much better after you've had a session with me, I promise."

The thrall glanced up at Oliver, as if looking for some kind of confirmation. Oliver remembered how terrified he was the first time he had gone in for conditioning. "She's right," he said with a smile. "It's not scary at all, it's just like having a really good sleep, and you'll feel great afterwards."

"See?" said Miss Lily. "There's nothing to be scared of." She turned to Lex. "Sorry I can't stay around and chat, but I should get started on this session."

"Of course. We'll take our leave, and call on you another night," he said. "Oh, and Lily, before I go -- are you free on Friday night? Fitz will be in town, and I was hoping we could all go to the Tiger's Eye."

"Ooh, I wouldn't miss it," she said. She stood and ruffled Oliver's hair. "You'll be a good boy for our dear friend Fitz, won't you?"

"Yes, Miss Lily."

"Then I'll see you two soon enough, I'm sure. Have a good evening!"

"Are you feeling better?" Alexander asked as they stepped back out into the cool night air. "You're certainly looking much better."

"Yes, much better, sir. Thank you very much for taking me to Miss Lily," Oliver said. Now that he could see once again, he could see that the night was clear, the sky filled with a thousand brilliant stars. "Do you think we could go for a walk before returning home, sir? I could use the fresh air."

"I think that's a splendid idea," said Alexander, wrapping his arm around Oliver's once more.

Oliver saw the thick wad of bandages wrapped around his master's hand, and quite against his will he remembered the sickening smell of burnt flesh in the air. "Sir, your hand…"

"I've told you before that it will heal, but I appreciate your concern for me," said his master with a warm smile. "Your health and company is all the balm I need to soothe my pains tonight."

Thanks to Miss Lily, he was so obedient, so eager to please. "I'm glad that I can be helpful to you, sir."

"Always, Oliver. Don't doubt it for a minute."

Previous > Masterlist

I always enjoy writing Lily! Next week, the beginning of a three-parter involving a masquerade ball and Fitz's very impulsive decisions.

@d-cs @latenightcupsofcoffee @thecyrulik @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @wanderinggoblin

@whumpyourdamnpears @only-shadows-dwell-where-we-are @pressedpenn @pigeonwhumps @amusedmuralist

@xx-adam-xx @ivycloak @irregular-book @whumpsoda @mj-or-say10 @pokemaniacgemini

@sowhumpshaped @whumpsday @morning-star-whump @silly-scroimblo-skrunkl

@steh-lar-uh-nuhs @pirefyrelight @theauthorintraining @whump-me-all-night-long @anonfromcanada

@typewrittenfangs @tessellated-sunl1ght @cleverinsidejoke @abirbable @ichorousambrosia

@a-formless-entity @gobbo-king @writinggremlin @the-agency-archives @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi

@enigmawriteswhump @foresttheblep @bottlecapreader @whump-on-a-string @whumpinthepot

@cinnamoncandycanes @avvail-whumps @tauntedoctopuses @secret-vampkissers-soiree @whatamidoingherehelpme

@strawbearydreams @ghost-whump @tippytappytyping @natthebatt @fire-bugg14

@fuckcapitalismasshole

[contact--light]

so i literally just invited myself to this predrinks and now i’m going out tomorrow lmaooooo

[nemir]

“obviously not.”

✞——————❆——————✞

» pairing; xyx x mc

» word count: 2,761 words

» content; heavy angst, relationship problems, cold shoulder, selfish MC.

» an; yall reeeeally wanted a part 2 to THIS. y’sure about that? 🤭

You weren’t quite sure just how long it had been since you last spoke with xyx. The days all seemed to meld together, between this and work. You could hardly tell if you were coming or going half the time, and most nights you had come home and just sank immediately into bed. In a way, it was a bit of a blessing. At least you weren’t thinking too much about what had happened; you didn’t really have time or the brain capacity.

But there was still that gnawing feeling in the back of your mind. Even when you did manage to get online, you didn’t see his messages in chat. You assumed they were probably just buried by other conversations, and you could only scroll back so far before everything would start to lag. Still, it was enough for you to be concerned, which you finally brought up to Toast, about a week and a half later. NakedToaster: i mean i’ve talked to him a few times but NakedToaster: not much besides typical hey how are ya, when are you getting in-game. that kinda stuff. MC: oh... I see. but his messages are showing up for you??? NakedToaster: he hasnt said much in general in the past little while so i couldnt rly tell you. we have our own channel lol but i can see them there. NakedToaster: maybe the server’s just acting up or something? wouldnt be the first time tbh MC: i guess so. ugh. i just hope he’s doing alright NakedToaster: well NakedToaster: he’s been having a pretty tough time with his latest client NakedToaster: the case has been bad so far. NakedToaster: not that you needed me to tell you that lmao MC: oh.. uh, y-yeah haha, that case. i know he was stressed about it from the beginning. Your hands were shaking over the keyboard. You didn’t even know about this new client. He never mentioned anything of it to you. His voice rang through your head, ‘oh right, because you never fucking asked’. MC: well, thanks toasty. im glad to know he’s at least... semi-active. i guess ive just missed being online at the same time. im sure i’ll catch him soon. NakedToaster: np ✞——————❆——————✞ He wasn’t a fan of lying, but he would do it to protect one of his best friends. Toast absolutely knew what was going on. He knew the day it happened. He was in the middle of a dungeon when xyx had messaged him. xyx: have you ever noticed how much [MC] talks about themselves? NakedToaster: LMAOOOO xyx: ... Oh. They knew xyx was being genuine, and quickly followed up with questions. What do you mean, how long has this been going on, what’s happening? Of course, xyx being xyx, it was hard to get every detail but he wasn’t going to push it. It was clear he was upset, and that’s all that mattered to Toast. So Toast did some digging of their own. He had casually brought it up to Quest one night, making sure not to mention xyx at all. NakedToaster: idk, someone mentioned it to me so i thought i’d ask. i honestly dont pay enough attention to tell myself Quest: Hmm.. Quest: A quick look through the logs doesn’t give much, honestly. But truth to tell.. We all kind of talk about ourselves a lot, don’t you think? Quest: Well, ha ha, some of us. :^) NakedToaster: i mean u have ur reasons lol Quest: Right. Quest: If anyone talks about themselves too much, it’s nightowl. LOL NakedToaster: LOLLLL Quest: Honestly, it’s probably just that [MC] feels comfortable enough around us to vent, y’know? I can’t blame ‘em for that. But if there are anymore issues, make sure to let me know! It wasn’t the response he was really looking for, but he still brought it up to xyx in a call - something that was once a rarity and was now becoming an almost nightly occurrence. “I know I should’ve asked you first, but I figured if anybody would’ve noticed anything, it would’ve been Quest.” “Nah, you’re fine mate. I, uh.. appreciate it. I wouldn’t have been able to ask him myself. Prob’ly wouldn’t have.” xyx chuckled a bit nervously, scratching idly at his arm. “What, uh, what did he say? Outta curiosity.” Toast frowned a bit and leaned back in their chair, arms crossing. “That he hadn’t noticed anything. He even went back through the logs a bit. Just kinda chalked it up to them feeling like this is a safe space to vent, and that nightowl does it all the fucking time - which he isn’t really wrong about, I guess.” Xyx’s arms fell to the desk with a grumble, “It’s not the fucking same! Nobody’s hung out with them as much as I have, not even close. It’s a near constant! Toasty, they don’t even know the name of my client.” “Wait, what? But they said you talked to them about the case-” “They never fucking asked.” Of course, there was client confidentiality in place, so it’s not as if xyx could go into crazy details, but not even to ask the name, or a vague idea of what was going on. Nothing. But even then! Who else was he supposed to vent this shit to? “There was a day where I just put the camera on Cat and fucked off. They didn’t even realize.” Toast didn’t know what to say or how to react to that. He was just staring at xyx, disgust clear on his face. Xyx shrugged and slumped back into his chair. “I blocked them. I just couldn’t handle it.” “You- wait, what? Oh my god, that makes so much sense. They were wondering why they weren’t able to see your messages in chat.” ✞——————❆——————✞ Another week and a half went by. You were really starting to get nervous now. There were times, before, where he’d disappear and go offline for a day or two but he always came back. You knew he needed days and some time to himself, that wasn’t an issue. But this... this was different. You still weren’t able to see any of his messages in chat, and he was constantly offline. You even called in sick to work and stayed online all day, just in the hopes of catching him. Nothing. But you didn’t want to reach out. You were afraid to, in a way, because you don’t want to pressure him or make things worse. It hurts to just... leave it, but you did. For a time, until you finally broke and sent him a quick message in the private channel you two are in. MC: heyy. i hope you’re doing okay. i miss you.. i’ve been thinking a lot about what happened and i feel fucking awful. You’re right, i’ve been incredibly selfish and.. i really hope that you can forgive me. i want to make this right, but i’m not going to make any moves until you’re ready. i’ll be here when you are. xo His response came a week later. Finally. It was a single sentence, “i read your message.” He absolutely did. Read it out loud to Toast, too. Toast, after hearing everything, had only become increasingly bitter toward you - something you picked up on as time went on. Xyx is one of his best friends, and you really hurt him. It wasn’t something they were going to so easily forgive. So when xyx read your message, Toast rolled his eyes so hard, they gave themselves a headache. It took xyx a while to type out a full response. He’s hurting. Between work stress, health stress, Cat stress, and now this? It had clearly been eating at him for a while. He doesn’t know if he can handle this, on top of everything else. When the two of you went into this relationship, it was a beautiful thing. It had a very promising start! But.. as time went on, xyx started noticing and picking up on things. Things that started to irk him. At first, he tried to play it off; if anybody understood needing to vent and not really having a safe outlet to do so, it was him. He knew that you just wanted him to know what was going on in your life - you were long distance, after all. And sometimes he would vent as well, though it was becoming a rare occurrence. He didn’t like to talk about his feelings that much, which was no secret. But you had managed to pull things out of him, and he did appreciate it, in a way. It made him realize that, yes, he can be vulnerable around people because he is cared about, and people want to make sure he’s okay. It made him realize that he was capable of feeling love, and giving love in return. He’ll forever be thankful for that, but... This had been going on for so long, and you never even fucking noticed. You never took the time. Even when he tried to bring it up, it was just met with you either talking over him, or trying to relate to everything he was saying then going into a tangent of your own. “Oh well, have you tried this? It worked for me!”, or “Yeah, that happened to me before! Here’s the entire story!”, and the ever classic “I TOTALLY understand what you’re going through!” But instead of letting him talk and finish what he was saying, you took over the entire conversation. You went on your own diatribe about how you were feeling, how you handled whichever situation (or didn’t), about your experiences. And by the time you were done talking, you didn’t even have the decency to apologize for hijacking the conversation, or worse still, ask him to continue with his story. You just jumped to a completely different topic, and xyx was left holding onto those feelings, never to be brought up again. MC: can... can we call? xyx: no. im not rly feeling up to it MC: i understand, and that’s okay! (you know this worked before!) i just feel like something like this would be easier if we could just... talk. xyx: (it took him a few minutes to respond. he kept backspacing ‘i’m sorry, but no’) i really dont want to. xyx: this already sucks. i dont really want to make it any worse for myself. You were waiting for the “or you”, but it never came. But he was typing! That’s a good sign. MC: okay, that’s fine!! i’ll just wait until you’re finished typing! You were trying to sound hopeful, and you hoped it was coming across. You still would have preferred to have this talk over voice but this was better than nothing. At least he was talking to you. xyx: its my turn to talk now. there’s a part of me that wants to give you the benefit of the doubt - i guess that’s second nature to me. but my head just keeps screaming not to, that there’s no way i could, or should. i need you to know that you’ve hurt me. and yeah, im sure it wasn’t your intention, but impact over intention. you still did it, and continued to do it. it was as if... honestly it was as if you didn’t even realize it but then i say to myself, well no, how could they not? it was fairly obvious, at least to me it was. and, y’know, maybe i could have tried to speak up more but there was no point. i feel like, if i had brought it up, you’d find some way to make it about yourself and that was quite honestly the last thing i wanted. this will hurt to hear probably, but not out of any sort of sympathy or compassion to you, but because i was sick and tired of hearing it. every single day, there was something new. something that happened that you had to tell me about. we didn’t even be on the subject of it, but you’d somehow find a way to make each conversation about you. i know i don’t like talking about my feelings or my problems that much. i can do without it. but that doesn’t give you free reign to just... make everything about you. when you do that, it makes me feel like you don’t care. about me, or how i’m feeling, or what’s going on in my life. hell, you hardly ask about Cat anymore! the one thing i’d be more than willing to talk about, and you couldn’t even bring yourself to stop being the centre of the universe for five fucking minutes to ask how my pet was doing. how am i meant to take all that? i can almost guarantee that if the roles were reversed, you would’ve thrown a fit over it. but i didn’t. and the only reason why i didn’t is because i care about you and, deep down, i wanted to make sure that you were okay, because honestly? for a while there... you were the one constant in my life. you didn’t leave, you treated me like a human being. you were nice, understanding.. you even listened. but you... you don’t anymore. and you haven’t for a long time. and, look, i really don’t want to hear anything about how i didn’t try either, or some other bullshit narrative, because i honest to god did. but half the time, i couldn’t get a word in edgewise, or what i did say was brushed aside. do you have any idea how that feels? the one person who cared about me most, who even went so far as to say they loved me - and who i loved, just dismissing everything i try to say. that fucking hurt. i felt better when i got into my accident. i keep wanting to apologize for some stupid reason. like i’m the one who fucked up here somehow. i must’ve just gotten used to not caring about myself or how i felt that i just.. kept letting it happen, thinking it would get better.. always fucking thinking everything will get better, but it never does, does it? ive been shown that time and time again. makes me feel like a prat for getting my hopes up, but that’s what i get, i guess. why did i let myself think this time would be any different? ultimately, this is the end. i can’t keep going through with this. i’ve learned a lot of valuable things from you that, i’m sure in time, maybe, i’ll get better about. and i’m staring with this. i’m not.. i can’t keep putting myself in these situations and staying there. this.. this isn’t serving me anymore. that’s something you used to tell me all the time, right? “if it doesn’t serve you, get rid of it” so, that’s what i’m doing. i hope in the future you’re able to find someone who will want nothing more than to hear you talk all day. i dunno. maybe you should just get a pet instead. you don’t have to worry about leaving the server or anything, i wouldn’t ask you to do that. but, i won’t be either. but i will be blocking you. again. i suggest you do the same. i mean, in the end it’s your choice, but.. yeah.  uh... have a good one. You saw it was a huge chunk of text. Paragraphs worth. Your response was a simple, “oh! that’s a lot, heh, give me a minute to read through it!”  You wish you hadn’t. You had an awful, gut-wrenching feeling when you saw the wall of text pop up that it wasn’t going to be good. You were cursing yourself, unable to tear your eyes from the screen even as the tears welled, and your chest felt like it was going to implode with how tight it was feeling, the way your entire body was trembling. You should have just stuck to your guns. It felt like you had the wind knocked out of you completely by the time you finished. All manner of liquid and nastiness was pouring from your face, but you couldn’t stop. You dropped your hands to the keyboard, hoping and praying that you still had time to send a message. MC: xyx, no wait, please!! i want to talk to you about this, please. BloomBot: Oops! Your message could not be sent.

[tsurugis]

i had my surgery last thursday!

he went ahead with a plan of putting me under and marking and prepping everything to do the thyroidectomy and full bilateral neck dissection, but first taking out the biggest lymph node and sending it to pathology. while they were doing that he took my whole thyroid out and based on those results he would either leave the neck dissection or continue. of course it came back malignant so he took fuckin eeeeverything out haha

woke up puking all over myself and having violent tremors and vaguely remember hearing a nurse trying to convince the other people waking up in that room that i wasn't fucking dying jfhfjgj

apparently I've had the most severe magnesium deficiency my surgeon has seen in over 30 years of practice lmaoooo and I've had it for a long time so i gotta figure out what thats all about and see a gi for probable absorption problems

my husband!!! is the sweetest!! most caring!! fucker ever!!!!!! really truly i love him so much he has supported me through this and everything so much it blows my mind anyone could ever love and care for me like this. and he has done such a consistent job of showing it that i don't panic and worry about him wanting to leave me for all this cancer crap and for the fact that now i look like a fucking toad with its head cut off and stapled back on lmaoooo

was in the hospital for two nights three days and not getting home until about midnight cause my iv spot lost its shit at the last minute and decided enough magnesium in the drip there halfway through my last bag it hurt like a biiiitch so we had to start a new iv but ultrasound guided because they had been drawing blood to test magnesium every four fucki g hours for the 2 nights and three days like even all night lolll and i was running out of good veins

anyways. got my drains out on monday which. were stuck as hell and they were really long and finally my surgeon had to come back in where the nurses were like wheh its stucck he just grabbed and braced himself and just jerked them out violently no hesitation on both sides i am so goddamn traumatized lolllllll holy shit it gave hard rip the skin borrowing parasite horror creature out of your throat before in goes deep vibes fukccckckkckc

staples out on the 28th and everything looks good just. huge ugly stapled ear to collar bone to ear line and worst of all the lymphedema happening under the chin and jaw is so bad still and may take 3 to 6 months to go down or it could just get. worse actually and i will probably struggle with it forever

gotta take hormone replacement every morning for the rest of my life. gotta get bloodwork done frequently for the rest of my life to monitor magnesium, calcium and vitamin d and the thyroid hormone

but i am so insanely relieved i had an incredible experienced and passionate surgeon did an impressively beautiful job avoiding damaging any of the important nerves and parathyroid glands etc so no major complications or even really minor ones as far as nerve stuff goes i am so so grateful. that could have gone way different but he did an awesome job and i also trust he more likely got it all, because pathology came back monday and the fucking cancer was all over both sides of my thyroid and in at least ten lymph nodes all over !!

i literally kept saying i hate being right when i was waking up from surgery cause i really had like just a knowing and sensing that was the case, so i was very prepared, even from the "oh honey most of these are benign don't worry about cancer" stage pfffff

so i do gotta also take the radioactive iodine pill and go through that drama to make sure we got everything but otherwise i feel the worst is probably over