#ive been working so fucking much lately bc i need to save up money for like 100 different things n i literally feel like a zombie all day

[itsalwaysdark]

its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 168 spoilers and thoughts that IM NOT LATE WITH FOR ONCE! KIND OF! YAY! and more below the cut

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OKAY. OKAY CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE TWO PANELS WITH LLOYD AND JAVIER REALLY REALLY QUICK. i would save this for the end of the post since its closer to the end but im super impatient okay what else can i say. LOOK AT THE WAY JAVIER IS LOOKING AT HIM

HE IS LOOKING AT HIM SO DAMN FONDLY. WHAT THE FUCK. THERE IS WARMTH IN THAT GAZE I SWEAR TO GOD IM NOT CRAZY. "you're such a terrible person" AND HES LOOKING AT HIM LIKE THAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. crazy. CRAZY.

the adaptor knew what they were doing . i swear it . like "yeah thats MY evil boyf. he's back to being evil and lively and his perfect bastard self." I SWEAR IT I SWEAR IM NOT CRAZY

this is proof of llovier. im so serious dont even joke lads

back to the top!

not much to say here lloyds expression is just so real sobs yeah . yeah,,, older gens having goofy ass back and forths over things that really arent the main issue here is universal

like i dont quite remember what season theyre in now but its past winter by this point and based on the two panels showing the time of day they had to have been arguing about this for AT LEAST FOUR HOURS 😭 LIKE WHAT THE FUCK (idk how accurate that estimate is im notoriously bad at time but still. a long fucking time) these BUFFOONS

also lloyd being dramatic as hell is so fucking silly HAHAHAHAHHAA

AND THEN THE LORDS FUCKING STARING AT HIM WHEN HE BRINGS UP THAT HE HAS AN IDEA. HELPPP all eyes on lloyd now !!! what brilliant idea do u have next thats absolutely totally not secured through lowkey social engineering!

so so SO happy w how confident he looks here heehee :3 whats with the pose tho lol is that a reference? maybe?

anyway they plan to make a train thru the pantara mountains? vantara? pan,,, idk what the correct translation is ive seen vantara and pantara

also lloyd just knowing exactly how to talk to those old ass political lords and understanding how to string them along idk what it is but i really really like that, it makes sense to me personally

i figure that thats probably something suho just Had to pay attention to back in korea, idk how korean politics works exactly but i imagine the principle of "person in charge can make or break a lot of things" still stands

so like it'd make sense that he pays attention to whoevers in charge of the finance stuff, which political figures care about money, and where that money goes, bc if they fuck with the funds for education thatll directly screw him over. idk if korea has financial aid but whatever equivalent that is that allows suho to get scholarships n stuff so he can stay afloat, if someone comes into power that will negatively affect his odds of getting that funding, he'll need to know and prepare! though maybe this is reaching a little too deep it might not be That Serious lmfao

again i really like how many of these confident / plotting expressions have been showing up IM SOO SO SO HAPPYYYY my schemer my little scheming guy he's BACK HES BACK

the two of them also look really really nice here in these two panels for some reason. i think im going crazy. i dont know why i like these panels its just. !??!?!?!?!??! like javiers hair is completely messy but idk i just ?!?!?!?!? im completely aro so its not like an attraction or anything but idk!?!??!?!?!

finally our first look at the overworld demons!!! these two kiddos seem super cute i really hope they dont . misunderstand or anything and that lloyd and javier can have some fun and heartwarming moments with them,,,, more sillies and soft fluff please!!!!! thats all i ask!!!!

okay that's all! not much to say this episode is just really really cozy to me. ok well as cozy as "lloyd frontera making evil expressions" can get LMFAO it feels like build up into the next section and im really excited to see what he's gonna do with this train idea and with the overworld demons...!!!!!

there was a notice at the end of the ep that the artist is taking a small break for their health so no ep next week, but there'll be one the week after i believe. we must be patient!!! rest well artist!!!!

that's it ill see yall in. two weeks? ill probably have some other yap post for the hiatus week idk, it depends on how my schoolwork goes. see yall then!!!!

[lovecrazedpup]

Are you ok?

erm, at the moment . kinda . lol. just been inactive bc running a tumblr blog is . kinda draining - even though i run primarily off a queue lol.

long life rant for my,,, 86 followers i suppose !

im 18 now, turning 19 in april (i started my first yanblr in ? 2020 maybe? so when i was 13/14 and it got banned in 2022 lmfao). i was so much more unstable back then, and im a bit better now.

i found my current bf in 2022, and we've been . kinda on and off for nearly 3 years now. we took a 'break' for months in late 2023 (? or 2022 idfk, it was over a christmas) and i fucking hated it. i was cutting and crying every day it was so fucking bad lol. and then, the day after he broke up with me, he flew up to see his friends and he probably just partied n cheated on me and stuff but its FINE probably idk

ummm then he suddenly started joining calls again with me n the group again and i guess that evolved into us doing sleep calls again and . other shit (lol) but i was entirely under the impression it was FWB stuff but ! turns out it wasnt even though like 4 months prior he said that he never loved me but thats fine

now ive worked at maccas for a bit, at kfc for a bit, and doing a christmas casual thing at myer for a bit and i got accepted into TAFE to do a certificate 3 in childcare + childhood education - which will allow me to, yk, work at a pre-school.

ive saved up enough money to finally meet my friends and boyfriend. but i dont know if im meeting my bf alone or if hes flying up to see our friends together but god i fucking hope its just us bc idk if i can be all relationship-y in front of other people. us meeting is pretty much just just trying to get the answer to 'are they insufferable irl and do i want to continue the relationship' . which i find will be kinda a hard conversation to have with other people in the house/around us/WHATEVER .

but thats a conversation i need to have with him on the 22nd after i go to my TAFE orientation and find out when my term holidays are (bc the plan is to visit him when the school holidays happening) . yay .

i definitely feel like we are more friends with benefits bc he doesnt seem to want to do anything privately with me anymore. like just us 2 in call . which is upsetting . but its ok .

idk all in all, im kinda fucking struggling STILL with doubts and anxiety. and more often than not im finding myself wanting to cut and cry every day and sometimes on the way to work i have the urge to just jump in front of the train im catching - but im still here so take that as you will.

sometimes, to get through the day, i pretend we're just friends so that i dont have to remember that we're in a relationship and that he treats me more like a friend than a girlfriend .

i wonder if im not enough or if he's embarrassed. i dont really know how to do my makeup and i think all of his own friends are dating really pretty girls - and im a cute 4/10 at best . i dont want to be the 'ugly girlfriend'.

i think my life is slowly coming together but im also in a shit headspace a lot of the time . i think about breaking up a lot . sometimes i dont know if its worth being together when i dont feel loved and supported . im scared to meet him bc what if im ugly and gross - im scared he'll judge me if we have sex.

but ill be ok i think.

thank you for asking, anon xx

[petalsgf]

whats it like to be... happy

[winterrose42]

Its one am and actually im not done bc im thinking about casually sharing spaces like- i am not a person that really wants marriage. That's a lot for my poor aro heart i just cant but like casually living with a friend? Sharing a space and taking care of it together and doing our own thing in the same room but every now and then go "hell yeah you're doing great!!" and then going back to doing the things?? Please!!!!!! Give me casual platonic living where like, they text you while you're both at work and they're on their lunch break going "hey i found this pie recipe you make good filling and i can do fancy crust wanna make a fancy desert together when we get home?" Yes!!!!! Absolutely!!!!!!!!!! "Hey im having a rough day can we have a slouchy evening?" Beloved i will make you the softest most comfortable blanket nest and your favorite hot drink with comfort movies and shows on a list or something you can pick from so you dont have to use much energy making decisions and we'll have a simple dinner and cuddle fuck everything else i wanna make you happy. "wanna go on a walk with me?" Hell yeah but may i please hold your hand some bc i love you a lot and i fidget anyway and id rather rub my thumb across your knuckles than fiddle awkwardly with my fingers. "im having a quiet day" cool if you need anything or get lonely we can text within the same house who cares and when you want company i will happily sit quietly with you doing my own thing listening to whatever music or podcast or whatever you want this is fine. Just *cries* communal platonic living and care i want that so much the yearning hour is strong

Alright so my head was extremely spacey and unconnected today and NostalgiaTM was activated and it just eugh. So i went on an hour long walk blasting music bc it was cold and loud and it helped and i just- I'm so in love with people and places and things.

My neighborhood used to be not great. Kids were assholes and loud and bullies and sometimes drug dealers would move in and there were weird things at the park and one time the house beside us was a halfway house and we weren't told and it just- wasn't great. And I think I've posted about this before but it got better and it's greener and the kids grew up and the kids here now are polite and the parks really nice but now since it's the pandemic it's really quiet and sometimes since my house is really quiet you get really crushingly alone and quiet and you feel like you're the only one around. Whatever anyway not the point but it's nicer than it was is the point.

While I was walking there aren't as many stray cats around which makes me really happy bc people have started taking them to good shelters so i know they're getting in good homes and they'll be warm in the winter and making owners so happy and the cats are so loved. And there's dogs that are so sweet and friendly and their owners will wave at you and smile and you know they're taking care of their pets and that's so nice. There used to be an old man I'd talk to at one house who would sit outside with his cat on a leash and he'd let me pet her and we'd talk about i dont even remember. I dont see him anymore but his chairs still there and kinda dipped and worn from how much he sat out with her.

The roads are good and there arent as many cracks in it anymore and the trees glow red with the late fall sun now and there was flocks of geese flying a lot today and even though all the plants are dead people have their flower beds prepared for winter and christmas lights up and sometimes i find that annoying but today i just thought about how lights are up where kids toys are in the yard and how excited were the kids that christmas decorations were going up and how happy and exasperated the parents probably were. Leaf piles are flat from being jumped in and the ones on the road dont crunch but when they fly ik the wind they're so heckin pretty and the sky was that duller winter blue that's really calming and lovely and you can look at it without blinding yourself. My arms went a little numb bc my sleeves were rolled up but the air felt really nice and there's a really big hill i walked up that was hard on my cranky hip but the view is always so far and gorgeous i love where i live.

People used to give me shit for living in a trailer court. Trailer rat trailer trash I've heard all the stupid shit but the people are so lovely and smile and wave at you and i dont really talk to or know anyone anymore but its still friendly you just gotta know what houses to avoid bc there's hardcore republicans here but even they're pretty quiet. And its surrounded by trees and in a valley so we live in a big comfy bowl which i just realized today and was laughing over. I dont know im rambling but im really glad im still alive bc holy shit there's so much around yo look at and notice.

[letstalkaboutfandomsbaby]

Eyo. Ive been doing overtime almost daily in the first week of my job bc im still learning the ropes, so it's fun to think of becoming overtime buddies with nanami in the office, and then later on turning into overtime fuck-buddies on the night you and nanami were a bit too stressed and your skirt was a bit too right around your plump thighs bsjskakksjwa. ofc he made himself believe that it really was just the stress that made him fuck you across his desk and not because of his long-suppressed desire to wife you up the moment you strutted into the office aajwsjjs

Oof, i am so sorry bestie, overtime is the worst :( hopefully the resulting paycheck will be good tho, that's the only brightside to this shit sksksk

Anyways ummmm this got a lil longer than i expected so here's some Nanami x fem reader sksksk

But god, can you imagine working with Nanami when he was just a plain salaryman? He works way too late bc he wants the money and you stay over bc you're struggling to get this process down and need as much practice as you can get. He's quiet but polite, asking if you're sure you want to stay late at a job like this ("It's a thankless job, you know"). Taking turns going to the coffee machine on your floor and retrieving a cup for the other person, cautiously tapping him on the shoulder so you can ask him a question about this file, listening intensely as he patiently explained what these numbers and figures meant. You've created an almost domestic kind of relationship with him in the office, the two of you creating a more postive work environment as a result.

But it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Your job is grueling and hectic at times, the two of you forced to work overtime more often than you should allow. It's the end of the week, you're exhausted down to your bones and you're struggling to function as the sun disappears beyond the horizen. The two of you are at your respective desks, typing away and yawning occasionally. You glance over once you realize his keyboard has gone quiet, sighing softly when you see him leaning back in his chair with a towel over his face.

Alright, that's enough for the night, you thought as you saved all your files and got up, approaching him cautiously.

"Nanami?" you whispered as you rubbed his shoulder, shaking him awake. "C'mon, it's time to go."

You remove his towel, eyes meeting his, making you freeze. Had he been awake this whole time, or did he just open his eyes when you came over to him? Had his eyes always been such a lovely chestnut, deep and rich like the soil of a fertile garden, so unassuming and yet filled to the brim with life?

It's like a magnetic force is pulling the two of you together and suddenly your lips are pressing against each other and you're kissing and it's like all the stress of the past week is melting away. It's no surprise that you start undressing one another hurriedly, panting as he sits you in his desk and spreads you open on his fingers. He brings his fingers to his lips after you cum on them, sucking them clean as he eyes you hungrily.

"Can I fuck you now?"

"Fuck, yes~"

You're so desperate for one another as he slips inside of you, his thumb rubbing your clit rhythmically as you adjust to his length. He's so tender with you, so sweet that you feel like you're in heaven. You beg him to cum inside and he happily obliges, moaning into your mouth as he spills his seed inside you.

You clean up quickly, fixing your clothes before heading down to the parking garage together. Your goodbyes are brief and a bit awkward, and as you turn to go to your car, you worry that you've ruined one of the few genuine friendships you've made at this company—

"Y/N!"

You stop and turn back to see Nanami jogging over to you. He trots to a stop a few feet away, his face beet red, but he doesn't seem worn out by his brief exercise.

"Could I, um... would you like to go out for dinner with me sometime?"

It almost feels too good to be true. Of course you accept.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

[ghoulangerlee]

this is a pretty heavy post like, feel free to ignore it bc im just. in a really bad place right now and i need to vent and say things other than ‘im so tired’ because it doesn’t accurately encompass how i actually feel

So, like. 2012? Sometime after my mom died I got into a really bad place mentally, with everything piling up; my shit life, my shit aunt, my shit roommate, just shit after shit, my money kept going to bills, i didnt eat for weeks at a time. 

I was in a really bad place. Like, horrifically bad. Only made worse by my aunt taking me to the hospital and telling the doctors there I was suicidal. To be fair, I was, but being locked in, what’s essentially a cell with a wooden bed? Not Fun. 

I tried getting better, I went to a therapist and a psychiatrist, got on medicine. talk about my problems, tried moving on. 

it didnt work. i felt a sense of uselessness around that time. i was 20 and my mom died less than a year ago. 

i’d been nursing my bad health since i was a kid, and when mom’s diagnosis came when i was 17...it was a lot to handle. and as time went on, my aunt got more distant until it was me, a barely old enough fresh high school graduate, trying to juggle college, full time work and taking care of my sick (and dying) mom. 

two years is a lot of time to have that much pressure put on you. and it does a lot to a person’s psyche when you go from being On at all times, to suddenly, you’re sitting in a hospice, telling your mom it’s okay to rest now. you’ll be fine. 

you start feeling useless, i guess. you just. don’t know what to do anymore. your mom’s gone, you’re out of work for a week to “mourn” but really. you spend the week staring at the wall wondering what you could have done better. 

(the spoiler is, nothing. nothing. death is fucked up. mom knew. the whole time she was going through the stages, making herself okay with the idea of dying. im glad she’s resting now. the last few years of her life were hard. too hard for one woman to handle.)

some could say that my anger and depression and sadness and just emptiness came from grief, maybe. maybe im still not over it. (spoiler: im not). 

i remember, my aunt calling me the day my roommate was in the hospital, i was with her, sitting with her. and i’d called my manager to let him know that i was on my way to work, i shouldn’t be late but if traffic gets bad, then i might be late. 

my aunt calls, yells at me, calls me a lot of names to the point im sobbing in my roommates hospital room. not an uncommon occurrence at that point. my aunt making me cry. i was 20 and my aunt had been doing that for about 10 years at that point. 

my roommate takes the phone, says something i can’t remember to her and hangs up. and then she calls a nurse who takes me aside, sits me down in a room and asks me if i need to leave. if my aunt’s abusing me or hurting me. 

it was a long day at the hospital. and then, later on that night, as im about to take myself to the local hospital to find out what i need in order to see a therapist, my aunt hijacks my plans and drags me there herself. takes me to the ER, tells them she’s worried about her niece’s who’s suicidal. 

and anyway. to make a long story short. i spend a lot of time in this tiny box of a room, with no shoes or pants or shirt. in my underwear and a gown, sitting on a wooden frame bed with no blanket. 

when i finally get my aunt out of the room, and i talk to the psych lady who came down from the ward, she asks me if i need to leave my aunt, asks if my aunt’s hurt me or hit me. 

at the time, i didnt realize that abuse in the context she was asking also meant verbal, mental and emotional. i didnt realize that’s what my aunt was doing until way later. 

the more i talked to a therapist later on, the more i realized that things were messed up. that my aunt’s treatment of me wasn’t right. that my aunt, as a whole, is abusive. 

i was 20 when i tried to commit suicide. 

i dont talk about it ever, because it was a point in my life i’ve been trying hard to forget. 

i was just. so wrung out. my roommate left me with a 300 dollar power bill despite “promising” to pay her share. my landlord kept bothering me about rent even though i’d always remind her when i’d get paid, my aunt wouldn’t stop. and i just felt alone. 

so fucking alone. i was empty and hollow and my house and life were a fucking mess. 

at that point, i’d been trying to think of a way that seemed natural i guess. just. something that no one would realize i’d done it on purpose. 

i didn’t have any money for food, so starving myself seemed like the best option. and so, i didnt eat. for days and then weeks and then months. 

my dumb brain just, thought that, well, ive already got bad stomach problems. my stomach already bleeds. if i don’t eat then the acid just gets worse, it’ll make me bleed. 

didn’t count on passing out during work and being rushed to the ER. 

i lied then and said it was because i didn’t have the money to eat. and so afterwards, my manager and coworkers made sure i ate something. 

but i mean, it wasn’t a glamorous experience. until today, i hadn’t told anyone that me not eating for those months was actually me trying to sabotage my own life. 

but yeah. 

what all this is leading up to is. i feel myself slipping back into that mindset. only this time, i can’t get out of it. i don’t have a therapist, or medication to help. my aunt is on my ass constantly and won’t let me get a job without threatening me homelessness. 

and its tearing me up on the inside. ive been in so much physical pain these past few days. everyday its hard to get out of bed and find the will to do anything.

we had an argument the other day, because i finally couldn’t handle her yelling. i told her how i felt about her and she told me to leave the room. so i went outside. and. fuck. i kept mapping out the quickest way to get to the busy street where all the cars were. if i could just get out there without her seeing then i could just...

when i keep saying im tired, i mean it as, this bone deep i can’t take it anymore tired. the i need to get out of here before something happens to me tired. the i am at the end of my line and if something doesn’t change soon im going to die tired. 

im trying so hard to stay okay. to keep all this in and not bombard people with it. hatching plans and trying to figure out how to get the money to leave. where to go when i do leave. 

but god its so hard. im just so tired.

and i dont know what to do. 

my aunt “paid” me for the last transport and i got 75 dollars. two days of nonstop driving and caring for 16 dogs. 75 dollars. that’s for groceries and my phone bill. and absolutely nothing for savings. 

fuck.

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[the-final-world]

64 Questions I love these things 1. if you could have one superpower, what would it be that one tumblr post about Bethesda glitches 2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? 1?? The dark is ok as long as you don't hear some witchy shit then it's not ok 3. The person you would never want to meet? What 4. What is your favourite word? I dunno??? Apathy comes to mind 5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? I took a test and it said I'd be a willow tree so that 6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? "Why does my hair stand up like that, it looks like it has an election... Hairection" 7. What shirt are you wearing? My trademark tank top which I love 8. What do you label yourself as? ロスト コズ 9. Bright room or dark room? Dark room because the sun reflects on my screen and I can't see shit if it's bright 10. What were you doing at midnight last night? Playing danganronpa 11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? Literally none I've craved death ever since I was little 12. Who told you they loved you last? Oh 13. Your worst enemy? If I cared about keeping an enemy I'd say almost everyone but honestly having an enemy is a waste of time 14. What is your current background picture? Karamatsu 15. Do you like someone? I am incapable of romantic feelings without getting bored in two weeks 16. The last song you listened to? Afraid- the neighbourhood ️ 17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. who would you blow up? Boring 18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Boring 19. If anyone could be your servant for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? ;) 20. What is your best physical attribute? I haven't taken care of myself for months I have no attributes 21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? You know damn well what I'd do Also grow a beard Beards are great 22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? I'm not talented 23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? Cannibals 24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Spinach feta spinach feta Idk what it's called 25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? A hundred dollars doesnt go far and idk I'd probably see if I can find the owner first It could be a little kids birthday money or something dude 26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? I'd give it to someone else tbh I wanna go to Japan and Canada and England but I want the satisfaction of knowing I worked for it 27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice Iced coffee Or I could get somethin really fancy, sell it for a decent price, and use the money to buy stuff for the families in need around here? I know a few people and they could really use it! Altho I haven't talked to them since late December 28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Don't hurt the fucking animals or you get the exact same treatment cunt 29. What is your favourite swear word? Fuck dude I use fuck and cunt alot? Those I guess 30. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab one inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing fire? Id panic and while deciding once I get into the house, burn alive bc Im an idiot Actually I have a secret chest with all these really treasured objects people have given me so that 31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? As much as I'd love to Ive learnt from every experience and if I were to erase them I'd be bound to make the same mistake so pass 32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has superpowers. But check out this cool fact… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Do I get to take my cats and family if so England 33. The celestial gates of beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend / family member / person / etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? I'd prolly thank the dude but I'd pass, it just seems really fucked up to bring someone back Just like cloning??? Messed up shit 34. What was your last dream about? Nightmare I'm not willing to share but I did have a dream about pizza before so 35. Are you a good… singer? No 36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Yes 37. Have you ever built a snowman? I've never even seen snow 38. What is the color of your socks? I don't have any 39. What type of music do you like? Angsty music 40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? I love both 41. What is your favorite milkshake? C h o c o l a Te thiccshake 42. What football / soccer team do you support? No 43. Do you have any birthmarks No 44. What do you want to be when you graduate? I'm a dropout dude 45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Already changed it my man 46. Are you reliable? No 47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would you ask? Wyd ho 48. Do you hold grudges? Lil old me??? Yes I can't even help it, it is ingrained 49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? No what the fuck Lobster man 50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? When I was little this girl told me a praying mantis tried to have sex w her and I had a horrible dream about it 51. Are you a good liar? I wish I was 52. How long could you go without talking? I live almost secluded and I have no physical friends Guess 53. What has been your worst haircut / style? Long hair 54. Have you ever baked your own cake? I want to say yes but this is definitely fucking slang for some shit 55. Can you do any accents other than your own? No 56. What do you like on your toast? Nutella? Jam? Idfk? 57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? I posted it not long ago 58. What would be your dream car? One that drives 59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? I just think 60. Do you believe in aliens? Who tf doesnt 61. Do you often read your horoscope? No 62. What is your favourite letter of the alphabet? Y 63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dinosaurs I love dinosaurs I've always loved dinosaurs even before I could walk Dinosaurs have always been a thing w me 64. What do you think about babies? I hate them and I hatew people who shove them in my face leave me alone But that isn't an excuse to be mean to a baby or child directly tagging??? Who wants to do this tho

[virginia-werewoolf]

Hello to all!!! It’s been a crazy few months and I haven’t had the time to really go on Tumblr much less post about everything going on in my life but i am going to today!!

I’m currently finishing up my senior year of high school and lemme tell u - it’s been wild!!! But so fun. This last Relay for Life was probably my favorite one yet & I wish I could just have one more. When I went my freshman & sophomore year I was still so, so shy and only talked to people I already knew. This year, though, I talked to the new speech & debate kids and they were some of the sweetest people I have met in high school!! I always get so nostalgic for speech and debate when I am around the newer kids in the club. I can’t lie - being in that club was the only time throughout my whole high school experience that I felt as though I was a part of something good. I quit because it did stress me out a bit and I wanted to join photography my sophomore year and just always kind of found an excuse not to go back after that (even though I always knew I should’ve). Prom was nice - we ate at the Venetian and danced our lil hearts out at Panis Hall. I felt moderately pretty. I got into an argument with my best friend, Vincent, that night - he’s been a real dick lately & I couldn’t put up w it anymore that night in the Red Rock parking lot!!! I have been holding a few grudges against him since then but this weekend I have gotten some time to think it over for the first time & I think I’ve made my peace with him!! After prom was the Disney trip - which has been a WILD ride for a few months now. There was a lot of fishy business going on w the stuco advisor but finally - LITERALLY 10 MINUTES BEFORE THE BUS LEFT - I got a seat on the bus!!!! I wasn’t ready at all because I didn’t want to pack a bunch & get excited just to end up having to go to math that day - but I had such a good time in my bummy school clothes & 2 best friends!!! Even if I didn’t get to take pictures and we didn’t get to finish exploring California adventure because we were all grumpy and tired. The bus ride with Vincent was so fun and I didn’t really think about all the things I was upset at him for. On the 24th, then, we had grad walk AND senior awards!! I did the travel grad walk with Ni-Ni and we got to go to our elementary and middle schools + pat diskin in our caps and gowns with all the current students lining the halls cheering us on!! It was so pure. The elementary schoolers were so so so cute n proud of us & it was the first time it rly set in that this is happening!!! Plus I saw my 4th grade teacher and she remembered me BY NAME. I foreal cried on the way back to the bus bc of it. Awards night was nice too - I sat next to a kid I hadn’t talked to since middle school but it wasn’t awkward and we made jokes to each other all night!! It was kinda cute. Like it really felt like we were all in this together. I luvvvved cheering on my friends & just other kids in my classes who I may not talk to much but it still feels like we’re on the same boat supporting each other!! I got my Ronald Mcdonald award that night + my hispanic educator award (two scholarships totaling $1500!!!!) I also have to go to a HUGE district wide ceremony & read part of the speech that won me the hispanic educator award the day after graduation!! Yikes but I’m excited. I think that’s basically all the senior events left except maybe the senior bbq??? But that’s not a big deal. I’m not sure if there’s a senior sunset and I know I posted about being upset that I didn’t go to senior sunrise but on the bus ride home from Disney, I woke up for a split second and saw the sunrise over the California desert with my best friend sleepin next to me, his arm latched onto mine & maybe that’s enough.

BUT YEAH. IM FUCKING GRADUATING. My checkout card is signed !! My 7th grade english teacher who i am super close to has her flight booked !!! Can u believe it!!

Work-wise, I was having a really hard time for a while. I was desperately looking for another job & was about to transfer because the theatre made me want to kill myself!!! My exs friends and my managers were talking so so so much shit abt me. They said some of the worst things they couldve possibly said about me - and were so condescending at a time where i was extremely insecure because i was hung up over a boy that treated me like shit & had just lost so many friends. I couldnt even imagine staying until summer - but the universe helped me out and made it so that 2 of my most condescending managers transferred & i stopped getting scheduled so much with my exs friends and things just got… better. I stopped crying everyday - or any day - at work and actually turned down an interview because i figured id just wait until july to look for another job (thats how long im required to stay at my current to qualify for a 10k dollar scholarship i think i have a good shot at getting!!). I dont feel trapped and dread going to work anymore anymore and its so so so relieving. For a second there, it really had such a strong hold on my life and im so glad thats over. It was not healthy at ALL

Driving wise - ive been driving a lil bit a few days a week now and im really enjoying it !! It is not as scary as i thought itd be. I still have a lot to learn but i think im doin pretty good + i have 3k saved up for a car & im so excited !!!

This summer is also gna be super fun - im gna throw so many parties bc all of my bffs are leavin im august for college + spend a week explorin LA w my sister which im so excited abt !!! Im super broke atm bc i had to borrow a bunch of money from my mom for grade nite & am trying to pay it back asap but hopefully any grad money will be enough to cover it so i can buy books n cute knick knacks freely while im on vacay!! Especially since my body decided to hit a second fuckin puberty this winter & none of my summer clothes fit me anymore :( ive been dressing so bummy lately bc of it but ive been too busy to care. I gotta get clothes b4 going to LA tho!!! Other than that though i really just want this summer to be abt me. I feel like even tho i KNOW i need time to myself, i always try to get the most out of literally ANY possible relationship in my life :( its such a bad thing but i hate passing up opportunities like that bc what if, u know? To love and be loved in return is what I always thought i wanted most in this world!!! But i think i just need to consider where situations like this are really going before i compromise the time i set aside to work on myself for it. SO unless i can really see something going somewhere, this summer is goin to be about reading, writing, filming, and taking care of myself !!! I want to eat better (vegetarian & vegan whenever possible!!) and exercise and take care of my skin and just get shit done in general (maybe learn to knit finally???) Im even gonna start a bullet journal!!! I think it will help keep me feelin like myself as well as stay productive & organized in college + its just such a cute hobby Not to mention my sister is ENGAGED?????? My BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! I will save the sappy stuff for later posts/my maid of honor speech but she really deserves this more than anyone. It hurts to see her movin out after 18 years of sleepin 10 feet away from her - if it were any earlier than this i wouldnt have been able to handle it - but im excited to be independent & im sure we’ll be sendin each other funny memes and visiting each other 24/7!! She is my best friend after all, and im just so happy to see her happy that i cant even be that sad abt losing our early morning laughs and late night talks - at least not yet!! Maybe it just hasnt set in yet

[grecianfilipina]

I'm tired. my sleep schedule is shit. my memory is shit??? I usually don't take pride in my memory but even this is bad. Ive been having problems remembering what tasks I have to do at work and whether or not I've done them. I couldn't even remember what time my boss wanted me in for work this morning all I could remember was either 15 mins before or after the hour

I remember staring at a stack of three quarters in my fingers for too long because I couldn't tell if it was three or four the grooves just kept lining up weird. ive been having problems with money i think. lots of recounts, counting change out as i go like a fucking elementary kid

I'm getting tired at work more often than usual (is it bc I'm not sleeping well? bc I cut soda for almost a month??). I've been pulling a stool behind the counter lately and leaning against the wall doing almost nothing when its quiet. I'm not supposed to. I know I'm not but sometimes I get so tired I have to. last week it got so bad I had to have kait pick me up because I was so tired. I had one blackout sleep that week but still only slept 4-6 hours which. normally is nothing I can live on 6 hours a night. but. I suddenly can't and have been sleeping less and dozing isn't helping... its not depression tired. this is Different like

my dysthymia on a good day is a nice neutral feeling. its always one side of neutrality; I'm either one step from bad or one step from good, but its not purely neutral. this, as of late, is as neutral emoting I've ever felt

but its not apathy??? I still feel. I still laugh genuinely I still get annoyed with customers I still. feel? except now that I'm typing I don't. remember feeling during any of the scenes in my head. but. I must've felt to laugh. to rave about stupid customers and smile when nice ones come back for a drink I made, "the usual", and the conversations that generally are Nice

even earlier tonight. I ran around with ciara character in FFXIV and malek and laughed and got hot in the face about instant chat rp. after that I watchedand laughed as kait and her cousin threw each other around in the two foot tall snowbanks. but. I don't remember feeling anything but i must have to elicit such responses right????

I just. don't know now? and I'm not even sure if tired is the right word anymore???

I'm not depression tired. depression tired makes me antsy in bed without the desire to actually get up till absolutely necessary. depression tired is a dead face at work but a cheery voice. this. isn't. save the lack of sleep tired, I still feel the same way when I'm at work, not that I can describe what that feeling might be. but when I'm home especially I feel. most weird.

which. its not. the home? kait and I are still on good terms maybe just because I haven't kept up with cleaning it feels stagnant but even then that doesn't feel Right. maybe my body's all out of whack bc I don't use my l-theanine regularly but its also a multivitamin ao it shouldn't be this bad when I don't take it on most days I'm not at work?

and maybe it is the l-theanine and I'm on my seasonal depression blues but bc of the l-theanine its all messed up?

and when talking about all this to kait I was. raving. like. I couldn't stop talking I just kept talking and talking and pacing and I was so wound like once I was like "lol the gods gave me some mental health days just like I wanted" it was like a dam of "need to understand this brain weird" flooded out of my mouth.

this isn't just sleep deprivation I don't think but. I also just. don't know. this feeling isn't dysthymic but its not happy either and I don't know what to do with it

[too-many-paper-cranes]

Hi! i've been considering playing hollowknight(thats the name right? the game you've been posting about a lot lately) could you tell me about it? like, how difficult it is compared to undertale, some stuff about the controls and graphics, is it just one thing, or are there a lot of side stories to go through, how does saving work, do you save whenever, or are there specific places you save? idk it seemed cool before, and seeing you posting about it has made me even more interested in it

OK SO

hollow knight is a singleplayer 2D platformer that i’ve been told works similarly to dark souls (though ive never played it so i cant break down exactly how lmao). it’s definitely more difficult compared to undertale, the main storyline is not too bad but there are a bunch of optional sidequests and some of them are Hard (like the one im doing rn lmao) and even in the main story there are some bosses that are going to take multiple attempts. they’re not impossible though, like the goal of the game is not to frustrate u so much as it is to challenge you. it’s also a much longer game compared to undertale, i have like 160 hours on it and still havent done everything there is to do lmao

there’s an option to use a controller but i just use a keyboard and that’s been working fine for me. you start out with only a few abilities unlocked (jump, attack, and focus) and as you go through the game you gain more, it’s slow enough to get used to so you aren’t immediately overwhelmed by all the buttons u need to press right off the bat. you can also customize the controls which is really nice!

as for graphics the style is simple but beautiful and absolutely adorable. like it’s a game abt bugs so every character is appropriately smol. it kinda reminds me of paper mario in a way? im not really an artist so i cant really give a deeper analysis of how the art does what it does™ but i found a video here that talks abt it!!! it’s rlly neat

as i mentioned above there are some sidequests and even entire areas of the game that are completely optional. that being said there are multiple endings so if you’re unsatisfied with the ending u end up with those sidequests are definitely worth checking out! also the main storyline isnt quite as linear as with a game like undertale, like there are a bunch of parts that can be done in literally any order and there’s a lot of focus on exploration for large sections of the game. the game is kinda vague abt where u need to go at times so the strategy seems to be “if i run around and explore for long enough eventually ill find the boss/item/ability i need to progress.” which is apparently pretty standard for metroidvanias (at least u get a map lol)

saving is kinda weird, the game autosaves so reloading a previous save when u fuck up is not a thing. benches are the closest things to save points in the game but they’re more like respawn points that also restore ur health. when u die u dont lose progress (like if u hit a switch before u died the switch is still on when u respawn) but the game punishes you by taking your shadow away and it kinda just hangs out where you died holding on to all ur money (i guess little ghost keeps their geo in their soul???). you have to hunt it down and fight it to get ur money back and if u die again before doing that u lose it all. tbh the game hands out a lot of money to make up for this so it’s not too big of a deal unless ur carrying a lot around for some reason, you’ll get it back

(there’s also a permadeath mode in case hunting ur shade down is too easy for u but i havent tried it lmao)

also ik you didn’t ask abt this but the music is like. rlly good. im probably biased bc im a sucker for orchestral soundtracks but still!!!

there’s probably stuff im forgetting but i think this covers all of your questions??? if u have more lmk, im not an expert on all things hollow knight yet but ill do my best to answer ^^

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE

[thegeminisage]

time for MORE ZELDABLOGGING hell yeah today’s stream of consciousness:

i’ve decided that i wanna go south bc like im never gonna catch up with my brother and im Not in the mood to do heat-resistence stuff so i might as well see a thing he hasn’t, right?!

if i get too bored i can always turn around and go north!!

furthermore he’s getting closer to hyrule castle and i dont wanna lol

fast traveled to the dueling peaks and found the tower already

ooh and lake hylia is south as well! tho ofc im doing the southeast one first

and i’ll probably get tired of storyless exploring before i get out that far hahaha

wow the tower is close to the border, i can see the lake hylia province from here

there’s an Immense palm tree lookin jungle and i think i see a giant armos?

but the mountains divide it pretty neatly so it looks to be an easy walk assuming those guardian statues don’t move

ah. of course they move.

at least they can’t get up and walk around :|

too bad you can’t play around in the menu while you wait out rain. i’d rewatch m memories and shit

i climbed this one red looking cliff and the sky went green and the weather changed to all cloudy forever so im probably about to die

and just like that, glided to the tower. easy peasy

ah, the faron province!! cooool

ah wow!! it’s bigger than i realized *w*

watching a lightning storm from one of these towers is fucking terrifying

that lightning does Not fuck around

the maddening thing about this game is seeing so much cool shit in the distance and you can’t check it out yet, or it would be such hard work

i see some glowy shit and a giant pink tree and i wanna explore everything but also it’s so Much

it’s kind of creepy out here :/ maybe i want to go do story after all lol

im ging back to the shrine you hang glide off of so i can start from  somewhere familiar >_>

idk why im so cautious playing this game. like. its a game. its not like it can hurt me

im having trauma flashbacks looking at eventide island

wait is this a

i hear town music!!! omg omg

PEOPLE ;_;

ohhhh my gosh what a beautiful peaceful beachside town

reminds me of bodhum/new bodhum and bits and piece of ff11, which i say with the greatest reluctance

i love everyone in this village just bc they are here

oh god it’s so beautiful i love beaches so much i want to live here

oh my gosh there’s a gerudo here!!!!!! OH MY GOD I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE MM TALK TO ME

she’s asleep in the inn lol

oh hey the painter dude is here too

some of these hylian npcs are poc which is so do cool and overdue

ooh a chest game

i lost lmao

OH MY GOD

the gerudo lady is awake and she is. so tall oh my god

im gay

i am Gay

I Am Gay

oh, man. oh man

are they all  so beautiful. so Strong. good god

i wish this village was bigger i could have happily stayed here for hours

omg

someone a long time ago was standing on a mountain that looked like a broken heart and was like, is this not the place to find your soulmate…? but i haven’t found mine yet

someone mentioned a similar legend here and on the map i see a mountain with a whole heart on it pfffft

im so sick of seeing these stone cirlces everywhere…i can’t blow them up..what do you DO with them? complete the pattern maybe??

oh my god it worked

i’ve passed by so many…how will i ever get all these seeds……..

i know the game wants me to sail here but i hate sailing, it’s tedious, i want to control my boat with the fucking control stick

holy fuck dude the sword im using is so strong?? it cut down a palm in a single swipe!!

the longer i play the more i hate the blood moon

oh no i found a hinox

i was going to avoid him but he has an orb….

idk where it goes tho so there’s no point there’s no point the blood moon will bring him back okay Okay

hes a red one anyway so no big, when the time comes

oh my god ANOTHER hinox with an orb

i bet they go to the twin shrines near the village

but i’m supposed to find a tablet before i do that…….i don’t wanna skip another quest like the zora helm also thats a Long walk jesus christ

NNNONONONO GOD

GUARDIAN THAT CAN WALK OVER THERE NO FUCKING THANKS SO GLAD IT DIDN’T SEE ME

so fucking glad

exploring is so dangerous Why

why do i suck SO much at combat

oooh a bokoblin camp with a black mobiln :/ Yikes

aaand bomb arrows takes care of THAT

i love seeing farosh flying around here but i can NEVER CATCH HIM

i was just a few minutes too late to getting him at a really good spot

but the dragons seem to take the same route over 24h, so there’s that

oh hey im back at green cloud plateau

okay Um am i crazy or did i just hear something roar? was that the wind??

oh god i see a question mark from here something already knows im close

oh ogd oh god why i bet it’s big and awful

IT’S A LYNEL LOL

i dont have any healing or defense stuff no way

oh no i think there’s a shrine up there where he is ): but i can’t get it

AND A HINOX RIGHT NEXT TO HIM? NO THANKS LOL

jesus i knew i’d die here

at least there’s no orb on this one

oh noooo more lightning god the storms here are brutal

omg i found shelter behind a waterfall and there’s the shrine i was sensing!! yes!!!!!

holy fuck im not safe here either i nearly just got fried

in the shrine we go holy shit

may the weather be better when i get out

damn i keep finding ore today… #blessed

I SAW FAROSH AGAIN HE WAS SO CLOSE BUT I WAS STILL TOO SLOW…okay they DEFINITELY take the same route everyday i think

or at least if not at the same time, the same places

ugh i went over to this one place and the weather turned to all lightning forever

KASS? HOLY SHIT DUDE YOU’RE GONNA GET FRIED

im so glad to see him ;_; it’s creepy out here

uh…i think…i have to get struck by lightning…on this hill…oh my god i’ll die???

maybe my lightning rod will work……? please…………..?

aaaaand it did nothing. great. ok

/saves game

……../dons metal armor weapons and shield

LMAO IT WORKED HOLY SHIT

oh my god im alive!!!! i had mipha’s grace just in case but i took an electric elixir

jesus FUCK

yes nice i didnt even have to do anything just get the…chest…….

B R O

i got rubber tights!!! electric resistance!!!!! NICE

ah and when i came out the storm was over :3

but kass is gone ): i wanted to tell him i figured out his song!!!

i knew i should have talked to him before i went in :/

lol i find a boat after playing in the water for 100 years…..not that i wouldve used it, but

aw i met and saved a traveling couple, i’ve saved them before

oh my gosh a STABLE!! all the way out here!!!!

THERE ARE PEOPLE

man i wondered what that couple was doing out in such a remote place

oh wow beedle gave me a single ancient arrow…apparently it deals huge damage even to guardians

maybe this is what the start screen meant by the right tools!!!!

but there’s only one…

robbie from akkala gave it to him…NICE i’ll remember

ah some guy here said there was something glowing at the top of floria waterfall…i gotta check that out

ooh a shrine back here too…nice

god there’s a chest in here that’s REALLY hard to get bc camera angles but it has an ancient core (looked it up) and i need one to upgrade my runes………smh

man…nah. im out. there will be other cores & this is crazy ridiculous

its just the stasis rune anyway and i use that one the least

five big hearty radishes means TWENTY FIVE EXTRA HEARTS

but you can only have a max of 30 lol so

AAAH HERE COMES FAROSH AND IM FINALLY AHEAD OF WHERE HE’LL BE OH MY GOD

I HIT HIM I HIT HIM

I FINALLY GOT A SCALE

almost died for it but. i got it. he throws electricity involuntarily and it’s major stuff i shoulda worn my rubber gear

i kinda wanna wait and see if i can get another……..but i have shit to do

holy shit farosh came back around & i got another scale…wish i could hit his horn

AAAH NO A GIANT STONE THING IS HERE….i have no idea how to fight them im leaving

well idk if the stone thing or the dragon or the shrine was what was supposed to be glowing up here but i don’t see anything new

im almost done exploring this province, actually

gotta walk along one beach and climb the heart mountain and that’s it!

a little tempted to grab my horse since it’s such an easy direct road, but i’d be getting on and off all the time ):

fml there’s a guardian on this beach…pls dont move pls dont pls dont

oh thank god its stuck in the sand

omg there was a chest in the sand but it WASNT A CHEST it was one of those yellow octoroks!!!! but!! i shot it! and got money!!!!!!!! #nice

NOOOO another stone thing!!

but you know the last one took a lot of damage from one accidental bomb so maybe

how do you fight it?? i can’t damage it???

OH OMG THE ORE THING!!! OKAY LET’S DO THIS SHIT let’s go i cooked up so much good food

oh my god i took him down in just a handful of bomb arrows…THATS what ive been running from?

not nearly as scarly as lynel tbh

and i’ve been marking the minibosses on my map so now i can look for jewels there if i ever need to

i found a fuckton in this region but lol i sold them all

i know one great fairy needs 10k rupees and like…..Yikes

im getting pretty good with my bow, i can hit far off targets bc i know how high to aim and shit

i’ve kind of been wondering what happens if you get to the edge of the map

but the wind gets so strong on the beaches i bet you just either run out of stamina if swimming or can’t make the boat get past it if sailing

but what happens if you get to a land edge though…?

i actually dislike getting to edges of maps haha it creeps me out. that disreality unrealization shit. no thanks

in la noire the edges of the map have u-turn streets and you realize the cars are all just on one endless track and no one is in them and no one ever goes home and you start to wonder if this actual universe is a simulation and it freaks you out

anyway.

omfg someone from the yiga clan selling bananas like i actually could have bought some if i wanted LMAO

he actually had me fooled for a moment even though i know what npcs named “traveler” mean

why do they all give me bananas when they die anyway………whats going on with this.

oh my god this dude at the heart shaped pond is in love with this gerudo lady here. and like. same oh my god she’s so Big

but lol you can choose to say “yeah talk to her” or “nope, rival time!”

me: aggressively wants to flirt with the gerudo lady but not in a straight way

pls this cutscene was so cute

but she deserves better than a weirdo like this guy

he like, gave me a twenty, and she fussed at him for being stingy, so then he have me a hundred, and THEN

HE ASKED FOR HIS MONEY BACK LMFAO no way fucknuts

wow and with that im All Done with this province O:

i mean yeah i got quests and shrines to come back and do, but i’ve SEEN everything, yk

maybe now i’ll go up to death mountain haha i feel so slow ): i hope what i saw and did made up for my slow story progress

whoa this weapons guy said he’d remake mipha’s trident if i ever broke it!! what a relief

ah i finally figured out the shrine puzzle by zora’s domain…gotta give that thing a dragon scale. but i like my dragon scales too much so i won’t. maybe later

oh hey the death mountain region tower! that was easy

uhhh what…is that

oh my god a FLYING GUARDIAN are you KIDDING me??? why???????

and they’re everywhere! fantastic!!! my ass is DEAD

oh okay this region is called akkala

at least i get guardian arrows here eventually :|

oh my god ONE SAW ME FUCK

oh my god

I RAN UP TO THE TOWER AND IT’S COVERED IN THE BLIGHT

what is that thing crawling all over death mountain?!

what is happening OH my god!!! so much!! everything!!! all at once!!!!!!!!

wait

that’s the divine beast

oh my god

oh my god.

oh my god it’s so big but even still it looks tiny in comparison to the mountain, oh my god

omg it gets cold up here only at night?? omg

NO there’s a still guardian up here too ;_;

i’m gonna try to kill it!!! good first try it can’t move and there’s cover RIGHT here

second try really but im stronger now

now, i have bomb arrows and lightning rods

ok lightning rod does nothing, bomb arrows dont work in the rain, but i killed it with shock arrows!!

and it wasnt v hard bc i was behind cover the whole time lol

but like, with those arrows - i used maybe 9 or 10? and that was all i used, i threw a couple of bombs at it too i guess

now to figure out how i even get IN here w/ all this gunk…..

fuck a bokoblin near a cooking pot saw me and accidentally set itself on fire lmao

ok i can’t climb past the blight, i tried, but how the fuck do i get rid of it i dont see any eyeballs )))):

……………………….w ait

this bokoblin has a shield with the hylian crest on it. the HYLIAN crest

these ruins have the red carpet with the double line of gold on the side

i’m crying this was someplace special

i don’t know what it was bc it can’t be the temple of time or hyrule castle but it was someplace real i recognize the style of it so faintly and it’s COVERED IN BLIGHT

oh my god………..this is so Much

ah ok a beam fell when i shot the first eyeball and i was like why arent there anymore?? but apparently i can magnesis it

oh wow i found a piece of a room…….totally trashed, jesus christ

must’ve been a lab or library

omg its thundering outside…..that has nothing to do with zelda but it makes this creepier

THERE’S A GUARDIAN AT THE TOP SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME

its not alive tho thank christ

jesus fuck the divine beast is SO BIG and the mountain is still SO MUCH BIGGER i feel so tiny every time i look

anyway it’s 5am and there’s lightning so i gotta unplug for many reasons, this is a fine stopping place, can’t wait to get my ass kicked by that thing and rescue a goron, holy fuck

[curvyqt]

0 to 100 real quick

1. What have you eaten today? cereal, two slices of pizza

2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant? my boy and ohyes

3. What color shoes did you last wear? black and purple adidas

4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week? aj always makes me laugh my booty off

5. What is your favorite scent? aj’s shower gel tbh

6. What is your favorite season? Why? Ive decided on summer bc the beach, pool, bathing suits, messy hair, sun on my skin. i love it all

7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel? nah

8. What color are your nails? they’re not painted at the moment

9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be? probably something that looks like a henna design near my hair line

10. What is something you find romantic? forehead kisses, unexpected hand holding, surprises, making plans for our future

11. Are you happy? very

12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad? thinking about the months to come makes me happy

13. Dogs or Cats? both always

14. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library? any except a night club for the most part

15. What is your style? sometimes sporty, sometimes cute with dresses, most of the time leggings with a cozy shirt lol

16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be? climbing into bed with my honey

17. Are you in a relationship or single? relationship 

18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now? the way he makes me laugh, how he holds me, that he can make everything feel alright, his honesty, and outlook on life. and obviously his cute ass face ;p

19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with? honestly no one

20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what? nope

21. How did you celebrate last Halloween? stayed in and studied with honey

22. Have you recently made any big decisions?  eh not really

23. Were you ever in a school play? yes and choir for 13 years straight

24. What movie would you use to describe your life? u got me thinking rlly hard but uhh

25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? waiting for the right time in life

26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…” the last piece of pizza with. o wait i doooo

27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex? the pettiness, the way they hate on other girls for no reason, thinking they’re better than everyone. like can we all just love and be nice thanks 

28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex? umm how some don’t understand womens rights/how women aren’t equal to them in society

29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week? when aj bought me girl scout cookies and pjs heh

30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it? donald. trump. (more like scared but)

31. How long was your longest relationship? 3 and a half years and counting xo

32. Have you ever been in love? yes

33. Are you currently in love? yes

34. Why did your last relationship end? we weren’t right for each other. 

35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it? the ring and necklace my honey gave me

36. When was the last time you cried and why? today bc this guys wife died in the show we were watching :( 

37. Name someone pretty. @my cat adele and lacey

38. What did you receive last Valentines Day? some panties, chocolates, a lush gift set, a stuffie and some hello kitty stuff

39. Do you get jealous easily? nope

40. Have you ever been cheated on? probably idk 

41. Do you trust your partner/best friend? with all of my heart 

42. Ever had detention? yes in high school yikes

43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city? i like the city but id also like somewhere more in a neighborhood.

44. What do people call you? mostly jenn and jenny. at work I’m rlly known as jennbunn/jennybunnie (bc i do really nice hair buns lol) and jenny from the block. aj and i have a billion nicknames for each other lol

45. What was the last book you read?  the poetry book Dirty Pretty Things

46. How big of a nerd/dork are you? i can be a dork sometimes *pushes up glasses* 

47. What kind of music do you listen to? everything. really. hip hop, rap, country, oldies, classical, punk rock

48. How tall are you? 5 feet 4 inches

49. Do you like kids? in they’re well behaved lol

50. Favorite fruits? watermelon, strawberry, pineapple yum

51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? jeans 

52. What’s your earliest memory? after my parents divorced we had to go see my dad for visits every other weekend and i remember that. i was only 2. 

53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you? yes :*

54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind. i love taking pictures. my iPad/iphone has to be the biggest gb 

55. Do you have a collection of anything? makeup!!!!! so much makeup. and duckies

56. Do you save money or spend it? i try to do both

57. What would your dream house be like? huge. beautiful and modern with a big yard with an inground pool, volleyball court, basketball court and lots of grass space. the inside would have enough bedrooms for friends/family to stay over if need be. so minimum probably 4. id have my own room that could have my vanity and all of my makeup in it. the master would have a giant closet and the master bathroom would have a double wide shower and huge jacuzzi tub. we’d have an office/library, a workout room, a music room, a beautiful kitchen and a basement with a game room and a theater/movie room. (i love home design lol) 

58. What top 5 things make you the angriest? people being unnecessary, rude people, people always trying to start something, pettiness, people being mean to animals 

59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face? aj ma. the beach. when my makeups on point. payday. my kitties. shopping. 

60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? ig I’m getting fired

61. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? id tell aj and no one else. id live life luxuriously and happily. id be a tad afraid but at least I’m prepared and able to live the rest of my days to the fullest. 

62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. love

63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Hawaii 

64. Do you like the beach? i love the beach

65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special? all the time

66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it! joyce

67. Do you talk to yourself? sometimes 

68. Describe your hair. pretty long, light brown, wavy/curly depending how it drys, soft, and thick

69. What is the meaning of life. To find what you love and who you love and to do whatever that is and enjoy it with whoever that is. 

70. What is your ideal partner like? well his name is aj ma 

71. Do you want to get married? yes

72. Do you want to have kids? I’m honestly not sure yet.

73. Like or dislike your family? like for the most part. some of them tho…yikes

74. Are you Chunky or Slim? thick as fuck

75. Would you consider yourself smart? id say so

76. What would you change about your life? can i be a millionaire lol

77. Religious or Not? not at all

78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? this wouldn’t happen soo 

79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? not at all ;p

80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? yes my honey

81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? in bed, being naughty and then sleeping all cuddled up

82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? he has a key but id still open the door if i was right there 

83. Do you like when people play with your hair? loveee it

84. Do you like bubble baths? yes so much

85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop? yup for an out tail light but no ticket

86. Have you ever danced in the rain? yes and kissed. its great

87. Do you trust anyone with your life? aj ma

88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? did aj wake up for class? 

89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week) hawaii, italy, paris, vietnam, australia, new york, rio, san francisco, washington, mexico. 

90. How was your day today? pretty good

91. Play an instrument?  nah

92. Describe the what you think of the ocean. fascinating, kinda scary but oh so beautiful. 

93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? both yes

94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be? even better.

95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side? if need be lmao

96. When are you vulnerable? when I’m on my period

97. How much free time do you have? a pretty good amount

98. Do you like to go hiking? i hope to this summer!

99. Odd or Even Numbers? odd

100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities? I really would try any of those things as long as aj was by my side

Thanks for asking!!!