#ive been trying to gather my thoughts about it for a while but i cant get passed just

[fakecats]

there's no such thing as "me," now / as hard as you look, nowhere to be found / i can't remember a single role i was suited for - lyrics from dramaturgy by eve

[bestlilithian]

The lilithian experience (lilith dominant chart)

Personal experiences w having heavy lilith influence

- Older people being creepy subtly or overtly, but usually subtly with certain looks or touches or comments, especially strangers in public or distant family friends

- Being told Im scary or intimidating, or that I look mean (a girl once told me she thought I wouldnt want to hang out w her and her friends because I looked 'too pretty and kinda mean') [this is esp w lilith/asc harsh aspects]

- Lilith square asc culture is walking into a room a little pissed or in a hurry and everyone shutting up (also works for mars/pluto)

- Now Ive never heard anyone else talking about this but as a lilithian woman Ive always been disgusted by the idea of having sex with a man because in our culture a woman who has sex w a man is seen as having been dominated and degraded by him ("I fucked her" "I hit that" "I scored") also the act itself is very power struggle-ish like no *I* want to bend over a man and make him suck *my* dick

- Being hyperaware of people looking at you (even if youre dressed extremely modestly or without makeup)

- Lilith/moon aspects 🤝 your mom making inappropriate comments about you and your body

- Lilith/sun aspects 🤝 your father insulting you or making weird comments (more subtle w soft aspects so you might brush it off but its still not okay girl)

- People thinking youre flirting with them or others (esp men) but youre just hot and talking, and you cant help that ppl have strong reactions to anything you say really

- Loving eye contact <3 (w the right people)

- Lilith square saturn culture is not being afraid to stand up to authority <3 and having to quite often because they have a pick on you and try to tear you down

- also w lilith square/opposite saturn grown ass adults will have beef w you when youre a kid, esp those w authority over you like teachers, coaches etc

- Lilith/asc harsh aspects and overthinking whether a fit is too revealing or not (because you dont want to get harassed and looked at again) (but then youll grt harassed even if you go out in a priests suit so 🤩)

- People (esp men) trying to use you for sex

- Always being the one guys want to be friends w benefits with while theyre crushing on another girl

- "I dont like what you do to me" - most men Ive interacted with for a while

- A guy told me he liked me for who I am but he couldnt stand "the effect I have on him"

- lilith in 4th house culture is attracting men w mommy issues and being looked at by guys in relationships

- lilith/mercury and needing to know all your friends bdsm test results

- People liking when youre mean 2 them

- People who hate you often want to have sex w you

- Ive had so many guys in my class literally have to gather up courage to talk 2 me, even for basic things like asking me to help w something, they approach me looking all tense and worked up like Ill slice their head off for asking me to help them with their math lmao

- A classmate (and friend, apparently) of my friend once didnt want to come out and meet me when I went to my friends school to give her something because she thought Id beat her up (for context I found out she said some nasty things to my friend and was not happy about it)

- Being told by ppl (esp men) that I remind them of characters who are villains

- People esp girls not liking me for no reason or being rude

- Guys in relationships being extremely cold and rude to me or even shittalking me to their gfs (you can guess why)

- People trying to 'put you in your place'

- Recognizing other lilithians immediately

- Being insecure about your private parts, your body in general and your appearance

- Sex obsession since a young age

- Sexual harassment unfortunately

[freakenomenon]

soo.... Anya x Ellen.

ill be honest i wasn't a fan at firs( THUNDEROUS COMMOTION )

HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY. HEY. NO. LISTEN.

im literally a lesbian and i love both characters, but i just wasn't the biggest fan of. the basis of the ship? shipping two characters simply because they're both in sexually exploitative/abusive situations is. i can't be the only one who thinks thats exceptionally odd. im not dogging on anyone,,, just saying.

also not to be some pearl clutching puritan but the age gap. also. worried me a lot. cause i cant decipher if im shipping two consenting adults with a. what id like to call "parental ( in terms of marriage ( like 30 - 40/50 ?? ) , not daughter and mother )" age gap. or... or if im shipping someone pushing fifty ( Ellen ) and someone barely 20 ( Anya ) which is. RETCHES. GAGS.

but with some reassurance from a friend and such, i was able to convince myself it was the latter. so now that i've separated it from its ,, troubling origins. i must say i do quite like it. ive thought about it extensively and. holy shit these two definitely would not be good for each other without some kind of. counseling.

i dont consider anya and ellen to be similar personality wise at all. aside from anyas kind of implied temper not really. which of course, isn't necessary for a relationship. BUT. i also think that. if ellen was ON the tulpar in any case. she would find the psych evals to be. incredibly invasive, despite truly being surface level from what i can gather.

its also incredibly worth while to note that, while both of them are incredibly capable, intelligent, and have genuine passion for what they do. only…. one of them has actually been able to succeed in their field. when. the other. failed. 8-7 times. this brutal concoction of someone at the top of the ladder while the other one keeps falling as they cant help but look down. is. kind of. the cause for jimmys obsession with curly. WAIT WAIT. let me finish. its also because jimmy is a complete loser who can't help but leech off of others, shift the blame, and constantly convince himself he is the victim. and curly is too willing to let himself and others be affected by this behavior without second thought.

BUT. you can't tell me that in the event of her surviving the crash, the anya that has practically been kicked down by life relentlessly, when seeing someone who literally has IT ALL ( without looking at background context ) and seemingly treats others with an unchecked arrogance. wouldn't get. a little ticked? maybe just a LITTLE miffed? a tad SUSPICIOUS? when the woman in question just, greets her with open arms one day.

ellen would probably be overjoyed to let someone in a similarly lonely situation into her life, maybe almost coming off as creepy or overbearing. coming off pitying anya rather than just, trying to get her to stay. but then again, shed never open up about why shes so scared of being left alone without an extreme amount of prying. shes terrified of vulnerability. or showing emotion at all for that matter. it'd be like a constant push and pull. idk,, they could be grossly infatuated with each other <3

and again, im not saying they'd reach jimcurl levels of radioactive. and obviously i dont think anya is as obsessive or mentally ill as jimmy, and i don't think that ellen is as much of a useless fucking pushover as curly, in fact its the exact opposite. but i think with the right ( or I guess in this case,, wrong ) amount of emotional turmoil,,, it could get there,, am i reading way too much into a crossover ship thats kind of mid based on why people made it a ship in the first place? yes! do I care ? yes. a lot actually. it makes me feel weird and im not i promise please please

but whatever ,, anya x ellen but its evil and fucked up ,, heh ,, just a look into my sick and twisted mind.

[harley-rose25]

AOT, the rumbling, the old testament, evil, the nature of evil and violence, philosophy

Ya'll Ive been wanting to make this post for a while but I just cant think of how exactly to word what I want to say; but i guess ill just start and see where this takes me. So, I want to explain why I love AOT and Erens character so much, also my moral philosophy behind supporting the rumbling.

I've made other post about the rumbling and why I support Erens actions so I don't wanna get all into here because you're probably tired of me talking about it. So basically to summarize; world hates Eldians because past Eldians = bad people, Big powerful neighbor attacks island Eldians for 100 years, commits a genocidal act of war against them. World gather to declare a genocidal war on island Eldians, launches attack on island. The Titans are island Eldians only defense. I support people acting in self defense. If you start a war and you get killed you're at fault. If you try to beat someone to death and they pull a gun on you you don't get to cry victim.

So if you've read my other AOT posts you probably could have already assessed that my thoughts run along the lines of the above statement. I wanna try to go deeper. Because we can say that Paradis had the right to defend themselves but killing 80% of humanity is taking it to far. People argue that Eren could have protected Paradis by taking out Marley's military; I disagree with that assessment but that not what this post is about.

I support the rumbling because the world of AOT is Evil and the people in it are evil. The only society in AOT that was shown to not be evil was Paradis and even they were quickly becoming evil once they were exposed to the outside world.

I liken the Rumbling to passages in the old testament where God destroys an entire city or an entire nation or the entire planet because humans have become evil and corrupt. and people will say what about the innocent people, what about the children, are they evil and corrupt? and they'll say that the God of the old testament is evil, but what I've come to understand of these stories, or at least my interpretation of them isn't that literally everyone in these societies that God kills is inherently evil and deserves to die, but that at some point a society becomes so corrupted that it cant be saved. At some point the spread and support for sick and evil ideas is so rampant in a society that while you can say the children are innocent you can also say that the chance they're going to grow up and fight against the system they're raised in is effectively zero; and of those that do they're quickly beaten back down. Look at Marley; we see scenes of Eldians being openly discriminated against, being kicked, being pushed to ground, being beaten, Eldian children being murdered. Eldians are forced in internment zones and spat on; and this treatment as well as the attacks against Paradis are largely supported by the populace. It's the people who hate Eldian's and hate Paradis. If there are people who don't, who believe that Eldians should be free to live like everyone else, who don't hate the people on Paradis, and I'm sure there are, there isn't enough of them to make a difference, they aren't doing anything about it so they don't actually matter.

Another point I'm drawing my moral conclusions from is, I think it was a ted talk, I cant remember sorry, but this guy talked about women and sexual assault and harassment we face, and he addressed the people who say not all men by pointing out that not all men but if you're silent when other men are harassing or assaulting women then you might as well not be there. So, even if the majority of people in the world were against the way Eldians were being treated it actually wouldn't matter because they didn't do anything about it and If you stay silent when other people are throwing racist abuse at someone that 'someone' isn't going to care about your silent support.

I think of the Rumbling and Eren as acts of nature. In AOT, during the rumbling a Marleyan military man says that "it is all the worlds hatred reflected back onto them."

I once heard another point from a source I don't remember, again sorry, which is basically that everyone, or nearly everyone, is evil, because if there's injustice in the world and you aren't using all you're power and resources to fix it you're evil. And I thought about this, about how I spend money on new clothes I don't need when there are people who don't have a coat for winter or have been wearing the same pair of shoes for 12 years but I have like 12 different pairs. I think about the homeless people I drive or walk by on my way to by a 6$ coffee and food when I have food and coffee at home. I think about people suffering under oppressive regimes and maybe I could do something help, maybe I could donate to something at least but I don't because I'm selfish and I want more for me.

AOT, the rumbling, Eren just like encapsulated all this in my head and it made me realize that I should and I can be a better person. I started thinking more about my place in the world and how I might benefit others; I started donating; I've started looking for volunteer work I can do near me (haven't found anything unfortunately, but I'm not sure how to really look for this stuff, my depression and anxiety disorders don't help); I try to speak out against injustice I see in the world instead of being silent and ignoring it. I'm not saying I'm a saint now or that I'm out here fighting tooth and nail for justice or whatever cause I'm really not; I'm sitting on a sofa in my dads living room; but, I'm more aware, and I actually try to help or bring awareness once in a while which is more than I was doing before.

So yeah hopefully this even made sense. I just wanted to actually talk about what this series has really done for me and why I'm obsessed. (I mean beyond Eren Jaeger being disgustingly hot) Lets be honest, I'm pretty obsessed with effing hot Eren is, actually. Ok I get distracted by his lean corded muscle and tall frame 🤤and stupidly beautiful face and oh no its happened again

[ososimilar]

Chapter 1- Seb

“So… which of us do you think would end up in jail first?” Abigail asked.

“Uhhhhhhhhh……” Sam said.

“Interesting question,” Sebastian said. “How does this help us write another song?”

“It's just a thought experiment.”

“Well you'd go to jail for trespassing,” Sebastian said. “Or….” He paused and thought. “If we were caught smoking that shit your mom grows.”

“Wait, you guys smoke?!” Sam said.

“Why'd you tell him that?” Abigail chided.

“You should join us some time.”

“I don't think he'd be into that Seb.”

“Well I'm not a baby.” Sam pouts.

“I dont think youre a baby Sam.”

“Three, two one!” Abby says half heartedly as she begins playing the drums.

They play together, Abby on drums, Sam on guitar and Seb on the keyboard. For Sebastian the keyboard is the only thing he has, he was never smart enough to gain Darius’ attention. So he lost himself in the keys, hoping to gain Robin's attention. When that didn't work he locked himself in his room closing himself off while he would work on his computer.

As he listened to Sam sing he couldn't help but smile to himself while thinking about the boy who managed to get him to leave his room. Abby too had done a lot for Seb, during her trips to the mines she’d gather frozen tears for him. They were always there for him when he was depressed. Robin tried to empathize but she didn't understand him. But these two didn't pry, they were simply there for him.

“WHOOOOO!!!”

Sam's shout pulled Sebastian out of his thoughts.

Abby cheered. “We’re getting pretty good!”

“Pretty good? Why not super good?! Or totally tubular?!” Sam chuckled at his own joke.

“Guys it's getting late and Vincent is going to bed, you guys can stay but you have to be quiet” Jody shouts from the other room.

“I guess that's my queue to leave,” Abby says as she stands up from her drumset.

“Awe, you guys dont wanna stay and hang out” sam mopes. “We can watch a movie, I heard of this cool one about a guy who goes to space.”

“Wow it sounds so interesting, '' Abby says in a mocking voice. You have to be super obvious with sarcasm around Sam or else he won't get it.

“Don't be rude,” Seb says. “I’ll watch it with you.” He looks at Sam then quickly looks away.

“Yes!”

Sams so cute when he celebrates Seb thinks. He looks at Abby.

“I'd rather not,” she says.

“Awe come one,” Sam whines.

“Seb will keep you company.”

Sam looks at Sebastian, “guess it's just us today.”

Seb looks at Abby, eyes pleading with her to stay. Abby pretends not to notice what's written all over his face as she walks out the door.

They stand there in silence for a moment until they start hearing Jodie and Abigail talking outside the door.

“Mom’s still up,” Sam says. “Wanna just watch on my bed so we don't have to bug her. To be honest she's been kinda uptight lately. I think it's because dad comes home soon.” He sits on his bed and begins clicking away on his laptop. “Oh sorry,'' Sam scoots over. “You can sit too.”

fuck ive just been standing here awkwardly Seb thinks. He goes and sits on the edge of the bed making sure to leave space between them. Just act normal, nothings changed, Sam probably hasn’t noticed anything yet. “I can't believe you still have a twin sized bed.” He laughs. “It can barely fit just one person how is it supposed to fit both of us?”

“Well… it's not like there's anyone I'm trying to share it with.” Sam says. “Wait, don't you also sleep on a twin sized bed?”

“Well yeah… but I'm the only person in my room ever. Besides, I've never been interested in sharing a bed before.”

“Twin sized mattress” Sam wonders aloud. “That'd be a good song title.” He sets the laptop near his feet and starts the movie. “Can you turn off the lights?” Sam looks at Seb when he says it.

Fuck, i cant focus when he looks at me. Why's he got to be so damn cute. He thinks while he stumbles to the lightswitch.

As he sits back on the bed the movies not even registering in his mind, his thoughts are solely on the space between him and sam. Sam is focused on the movie, making cute comments here and there about whatever is happening in the movie.

“Seb are you okay?” Sam asks, a tinge of worry in his voice. “You look super pale.”

“Oh, uh, I just have a bit of a headache is all.”

“You don't have to stay, you can go home and rest.”

“That… that's probably best.”

Sam pauses the movie and closes the computer. He gets up and grabs a jacket.

Sebatian looks at him confused. “I can't let you walk home sick by yourself, what if you fall or pass out or something”

Sam opens the door and Seb stumbles out. “Mom im gonna walk Sebastian home, he's not feeling good,” Sam shouts as they leave.

How did this end up happening? It's almost surreal, walking home in the moonlight with snow falling, Sam at his side walking past the steps to the old community center. As they enter the clearing their moment is interrupted by Maru, gazing at the stars through her telescope.

“Oh hey sam!” Maru exclaims. “Come look at this star cluster.”

“In a minute, Seb doesn't feel good so imma get him in bed then i'll come look, '' Sam shuffles inside with Seb. They walk down the stairs to Sebs room, a room that's normally cold but Seb can't help but feel Sam's warmth. Seb lays down in bed, Sam looks at him and tucks him in.

“I'd give you a kiss goodnight but that'd be weird wouldn't it” Sam chuckles nervously.

Seb just lays there, looking up at the boy of his dreams.

“Feel better” Sam says, before walking away. Seb can't help but feel like that's the last time he's ever gonna Sam the same way. As he dozes off he can't help but wish he dreams of Sam.

Chapter 2

[skekilla]

just some sketches i had done on paper and which are now here on digital for my au! from top right, to left, then down again and again:

first drawing i had done of minnie!

first one of oswald as well! you’ll see he has a camera here. like ive said before, oswald is really out here trying to escape toontown. part of that is gathering evidence and scouting pictures as logistics for his plans! also, being technologically minded, hes certainly made really really cool cameras and gadgets that can do all sorts of things to help him out!

just a little redraw of funny from the new mickey mouse cartoons i think its silly. btw! in this au mickey and minnie are fully married and in love as usual. they did get married as part of a publicity stunt at the opening of toontown but,,, they would have anyway hehe

anyway mickey and oswald, as usual, have a strained relationship! they dont really get each other, and that makes mickey feel awkward and oswald feel frustrated. mickey will just generally try to avoid him (not out of malice of course! just to avoid ticking his brother off), and oswald likes to gripe about mickey behind his back (usually to pete. we’ll get to pete later). in the end, though, they do care a lot about each other (only OSWALD can make fun of mickey!! he’ll fight anyone else who does). anyway, heres mickey laughing at something oswald said, which wasnt actually a joke!

another thing from the new cartoons that i thought was funny. mickey gets injured pretty often because of the shenanigans that go down in toontown! but the good thing is toons cant die by any means other than being forgotten. it still hurts tho ;(

now heres the miserable thing! when oswald was supposed to be returning to disney in 2006 (btw toontown was opened in 2000! so mickey and everyone else had already been living there for a while and begun to experience the scariness of the place), mickey and he met for the first time in a while, and all was swell. however, mickey knew from the start the danger poor oswald was falling in. he couldnt find a chance to warn him though, until he noticed oswald moving in to his new house, at which point he ran in and basically begged oswald not to stay there, not to let disney take him back. of course, though, it was too late :))) still, though, oswald promises mickey he’ll find a way out. so thats these two images hehe

ever since i first saw that oswald can do funny stuff with his ears i knew his main weapon would be taking one off and using it as a baseball bat! oswald does a lot of fighting in this au but ill get to that hehe

[gluion]

thank you @wuahae for the tag :33

post snippets from 3 wips and 3 published fics

published fics

1. somehow, i’ll gather the stars for you

i think of one my favorite scenes ive ever thought abt it really :3 there’s something so heartwarming abt jacob wanting to make sure that even an interest like stargazing and constellations can still go back to being about you and ur relationship with him ❤���‍🩹

2. of linked arms and bruised hearts (you are the reason i keep on going) [the highlights are just comments from beam LMFAO]

another very cute scene from the series i poured all my heart into. admittedly, i have so much snippets in mind that i wish i could post but i settled on smth just cute and tender as this :33 making marriage pacts with ur bestie is normal! but i think for these two, it meant smth more :3

3. of boundaries and secret glances (i’m lucky to be loved by you) [highlights are comments from my beta reader </3]

honestly, picking a snippet was hard mainly bc so much scenes needed CONTEXT. but i think this can stand on its own :] even if i have a love-hate relationship with this fic, i still think there are just some scenes that never fail fo make me smile (just like this!)

wips (i dont write out my wips EVER… only outlines </3 so u’ll just see what i outline really or how i plan out titles :3)

1. changmin seasons fic

it’s a fic that is meant to be told through seasons, it explores themes of academic pressure and even aspirations—how jichang got to live the dreams be had in mins vs you who is constricted. a lot of gaps in the outline which is why i haven’t picked it up.

2. sunwoo summer love fic

crazy ass outline tbh!! its complete and very diff from what i usually write (this is really meant to be more romance-centric… i guess thats why ive been putting it off) but its just this whole idea of reader being the non-commitment type while sunwoo is the one who actually does want smth with u if ud ever consider!! i love it bc i really think sunwoo is soooo the type for commitment and past all the typical player vibes. he is just a sweet boy who is a hopeless romantic (who cant help but still be flirty!!)

3. jacob angst f2s2ls fic

i dont want to spoil anything too major abt this one mainly bc its smth ive been trying to work very hard on :3 just know it explores themes of forgiveness, grief, and being lost in ur late 20s </3 very much an angstier fic out of everything ive posted so far

i’m not sure who did this already but tagging the following: @sungbeam @winterchimez @mosviqu @juyeonszn @stealanity and anyone else who wants to do it :3

[femmedesyeuxnoirs]

Last night i went to my friends apartment bc i got a bunch of beads and we wanted to make bracelets but i forgot somethjng in my car and had to go find it. Well against all odds i somehow got lost on my way back to my car and was literally wandering around the entire complex for like an hour. And i couldnt gauge where i even was bc i had left my phone inside. I think my brain is scranbled eggs dude. The whole time i was walking around i just kept thinking about how im expected to keep going when i was literally born lacking basic survival instincts. I cant register any normal phenomena no matter how hard i try. I have no sense of direction like figuratively and literally. I want to keep going i really do but i keep getting lost and mentally all i can do is just lie on the ground and give up. Im too tired to continue navigating the world developmentally and learning disabled while i pretend im like everyone else. Im just not on the same level as the rest of my peers and i hate to admit that but its true. Any time i spend my day doing simple tasks i become so exhausted by the end of it that i start talking funny and not making sense. And to the observer i just seem like im on drugs or something. Its taking me so long to even gather my thoughts well enough to type these sentences. The worst part is its not like im like this because of drugs etc, i have been like this since i can remember. Theres no lamenting over how i used to be before a certain incident or whatever because this has been my life forever this is the only existence ive known. I need to be in hospice care i think i would be so much happier

[ocean-anchored]

October 12, 2024 - Wedding Day continued...

We went outside to take family photos which was a little hectic and all over but whatever happened it worked out. After that, we gathered the wedding party and drove over to a nice open park to take photos. The wind was up a bit so it was chilly, otherwise the weather was perfect. The fall colors were beautiful, Kenzie had to tend to baby lots so I felt bad she wasn't in all the photos but they went pretty well overall, got some really beautiful shots. I remember walking out there and having people stop us to say congrats and how beautiful we looked, it was then that I really felt like how i've always seen when others go out to get photos and you see the bride & groom walking, it was surreal to be in those shoes now at this time. As we were walking back a little girl said I looked like a princess which was really sweet. After this we drove back to the golf course and let everyone off til reception, we had about 45 minutes or an hour left. Brent, the restaurant host who was absolutely incredible, took us to hole 16? 17? on the course to get some photos, coleson drove the cart as we passed by, it was a nice moment together. After that we went back and got a photo with Paul which was a special moment with im and Sharon as well. We went to spend some time together in our condo room just us, maybe half hour at that point? Then headed back to the course again. The wedding party had gotten ready for their entrances, I wish I was able to see everyones entrance but D & Logan had our jerseys on which I thought was hilarious, and a sign that said something like "Will their love survive the rivalry? ... check back in 2025" Then we walked in and did our little "Hitch" movie dance which was fun and sat at the front. After that, the night went really fast. We got introduced, then went for food which was really good. I had then given my sneaky polaroids to my bridal party to hand out throughout the night, that was hilarious. Kenzie started it off, I cant remember exactly how it happened but I remember him opening it and he kept asking what it was for and then when he saw it he just looked at me and was like WHAT, what is going on, this is amazing. Little did he know. The speeches came which was honestly so funny and so great. All of it was really beautiful and Stevens roast had be in TEARS, i was DYING. I cant wait to rewatch that again, that was seriously so funny. After dessert which we cut the cake as well, the cake was absolutely amazing too, Ive been dreaming of it and wish we kept more, trying not to eat it all before our one year. We did some mingling at that point while people had dessert, people had to leave so we were trying to see everyone but then it was time for the first dance. That was really beautiful as well, very intimate moment. Again looking back I dont remember the nerves like I thought I would have, just focusing on coleson, felt like we were the only ones there in those moments. Our first dance was beautiful and a special moment together. After that the evening just flew. Mix of mingling and meeting people, dancing, taking photos etc. It happened quickly really. Around 10:30/11pm we gathered the wedding party outside for some quality time where we gave our thanks to everyone involved and how much they helped. This moment was one of Coleson & I's favorite, spending time with the close friends (kenzie had to leave unfortunately) who ultimately made the day for us, we had asked everyone to share their favorite moment in the day from their view. None of this was recorded or planned, it was a natural gathering & quality time together. Part of me wishes I got this recorded but the memory will forever stay with me. Hearing all our favorite people's memory of the evening, of our special day was the best gift. We felt to loved and so blessed in this. We're really grateful for those moments.

[lovelyrotter]

seriously kill yourself

alright [pulls up a chair n sits on it backwards like an awkward but concerned well meaning dad] hey sport was it the stridercest or my political stances that pushed you over this edge? maybe my queerness or plurality? cause if its the first one kiddo i gotta say. i gotta say buckaroo there are some real problems in this world but fake queers kissing aint one of em bud. if it was my political stances or my identity maybe sit outside, breath the fresh air n think on that for a while. cause that aint lookin good bud. i thought i raised you better. what will your other dad think. we dont believe in physical discipline in this house but we do believe in thinking. i know you know this buddy. i know its really really hard not to tell people to kill themselves but you gotta try. you gotta be the good you want to see in this world kiddo i know you can do it. i hope you know that id never tell you to kill yourself because im grown up enough to know that saying shit like that is wrong no matter how you cut it. we already had the dont punch other kids talk right bud? its exactly like that. we just cant say that to other people no matter how angry you get. if i did kill myself you could be held legally accountable no matter your age so if nothing else think of yourself here buddy. ive got people who care about me who will want to know why i did that, and theyd want compensation if they knew you were the final straw dude. its a damn good thing we're strangers and whatever you say means nothing to me. im just over here worried about you bud. hey instead of trying to make the world smaller how about we scrounge up some change and buy some esims. it could even be fun. we could gather all our quarters and toonies and do some good for other people. i bet you dont like being talked to like a child but thats unfortunately just how i see anons who send death threats. youre having a tantrum maybe even after a bad day and i get that yknow man sometimes i have meltdowns too. we're all some kinda neurodivergent on this site. life is hard but you gotta be kind and you gotta take care of yourself. theres a good chance youve been refreshing my page every so often to check if ive replied to you or not. i know this is a thing cause i did that too after sending my first and only anon hate when i was just 14. i didnt tell anyone to kill themselves cause even back then i knew it was wrong, and it felt good for maybe half an hour after i sent it, but then it started to feel bad yknow? it started to feel really bad. but we can do something about the bad feeling. touch something soft maybe squeeze your pet or a stuffed animal and then come back to me and we can all have dinner and maybe watch your favourite movie

[rat-lurker]

Mango

alrighty im gonna rant about an oc ive been neglecting artwork wise since i created him, Mango

Gun and death mention warning (nothing too detailed)

While I havent drawn him since i created him back in 2020, he is one of my most developed ocs, for being such a 1 off without any thought behind him.

I created him first at school, getting the idea from a flower in my biology book. I cant really remember why I felt like I needed to created an oc based on the flower, or why I specifically created a flower dragon, but that was when he was born. I digitalized him later at home, with the above ref being what I created.

He first started off as non important, i wanted to sell him since I didn't really have an idea for him. He ofc didn't sell (I wasn't that good at art/designing, and the community I was in was more interested in furries than reptiles), so I tried again, making a story with him, Mira and my most beloved oc at the time, Malvin.

And that is what started him off. In the story, he appears near the end of the story, taking interest in the other 2. He introduces himself the same way they introduced each other, carving his name into the bark of a tree. While the other 2 were just confused about the creature in front of them, Mango was startled by noises that seemed to be coming towards them. He quickly pulled the seed on the tip of his tail off and buried it. As he patted the soil above the seed down, he was shoot by the humans that were chasing the other 2 previously, dying. While Malvin proceeded to mourn, shaking Mango to wake him up, Mira went to attack the humans, getting shoot in the wing. Malvin had enough, he took off his mask, and the humans collapsed. After a couple more minutes of trying to wake Mango up, the ground where Mango had buried the seed started to rise, and out came a smaller version of Mango, reborn.

And that's basically all the backstory Mango got. Ive since updated information about him in general; mainly regarding his species.

Now this is where the development mostly is. Mango is part of a species i made up called flower dragons, dragon like lizards that are made of fruit flesh, their key aspect, being able to be reborn. As shown in both Mango's backstory and the image above, flower dragons are able to be reborn as long as the seed on the tip of their tail is planted into soil. After a bit, the dragon will reform, tho as they go back to being a baby after being reborn, they are very vulnerable due to not having their new seed yet.

Best part about all this? The species is basically extinct in the world Mango is in, with him being the only member alive at the time of his appearance in the story. Luckily for him, flower dragons reproduce asexually, collecting the pollen of other flowers onto their wings. After they gathered enough pollen, pulling off a wing (removing the wings does not hurt) and planting it into the ground will cause a new flower dragon to be born. A flower dragon due to this also rarely look like their parent, as the appearance of the dragon is determined based on the pollen collected previously.

Thanks to this, Mango has increased the population by 3. He'd probably have made more progress if he wasn't so killable.

Anyway that's my rant about Mango over for now. Ill probably talk about him more if I ever make a dedicated post about Malvin. Im also probably gonna finally make him and Mira a new ref, Malvin has gotten 2 new refs, despite all 3 being created around the same time,,

[yandere-daze]

HIIII DAZE!!! i hope you're doing wellll, its been awhile since ive opened tumblr and then i saw all the self-aware enstars posts and now i just finished catching up KSJSJ AND LORD. FIRST THING I SAW WAS UNHINGED AND DERANGED ANZU. GODBLESS. girl i can fix you. I CAN FIX YOU. SHAKES U WAKE UPP!!! OH! AND ALSO!!! i've been listening to a lot of double face's music lately and i think i just unintentionally fell into the pool of double facePs AND IM AFRAID I CANT GET OUT... (1/3)

Welcome back!! Yeah, there has been a lot of new stuff about the self-aware AU indeed! I think the masterlist is up to like 37 posts now? Which is kind of crazy to think about when you remember that the inital ask that started all of this wasn´t even to long ago ksdbbd

But I´m really pleasantly surprised with how enthusiastic everyone is about this AU! I never thought it would catch on this quickly and now everyone is sharing these cool and interesting ideas! I´m kind of behind right now with answering all of them but be sure that I will get to it eventually if you sent in an ask ^^

Also yes, how rude of Tumblr to cut you off like that! I don´t understand either how the word limit works and why some are able to get through that somehow and just type to their heart´s content. Maybe it has something to do with the platform you send the ask on? Like maybe there´s a difference between the app and the website? I truly have no clue though, Tumblr works in mysterious ways skjnflsbf

gn reader

tw yandere, murder, possessiveness, jealousy, kind-of torture?

Double Face as partners in crime

Yessss unhinged Anzu my beloved! You might not be able to fix her but she appreciates you trying because it means you will spend more time with her <3

And omg yes double face! I love pretty much all of their songs, how do they keep doing it?? My favorite is probably Stippling, I don´t know why but it just gives me this really calm and comforting vibe, it´s become some sort of a comfort song for me honestly. I might be biased because Kohaku is one of my favorite characters anyway but he sounds so soft and lovely in that song 🥺

Once again having to out myself as a fake fan because I actually don´t know too much information about double face in particular? I´ve been wanting to read A dark night´s passing for so long now but I´ve just kept putting it off because I´m anticipating that it will probably be pretty angsty? I also really want to read the Valkyrie x Double Face tour event story but I don´t think that one has been fully translated yet so I don´t want to start reading and then be stuck on a cliffhanger :/

But from what I know about them so far, the partners in crime thing sounds very possible! I´ve already talked about Kohaku in his general yandere headcanons and his horrortober oneshot, but he literally would not hesitate killing someone for his darling. He may not like this type of dirty work too much when it was demanded of him due to being part of the branch family but when it´s “for the benefit” of the person he loves? Well, he sure is grateful of all the experiences he´s gathered so far, to say the least

Madara is also someone that would go very far for a loved one, all with a smile on his face that looks more unhinged the longer you look at it. He´s so fiercely protective and he´s just willing to do anything to protect his loved ones, even if it´s reprehensible. He´s already willing to do some messed-up stuff in canon but when he´s a yandere? Yeah he can be for real scary under that cheerful demeanor. Around you he would be very friendly and passionate so you would never even imagine that there are these dark thoughts hidden inside of him. I mean sure, he has his overprotective moments but that´s nothing too bad, right?

Since they´ve gotten closer due to their work as a unit now, they´re also bound to find out about each other´s willingness to do anything for you. I think for Madara it stems moreso from an intense urge to protect you from any possible threat, while Kohaku likes to pretend that´s also his motive even though his true reason probably has a bit more to do with jealousy than he would ever like to admit.

So for that reason, they would be happy to partner up with each other if there was a target that needed to be removed ( in their opinion at least). Though Madara is the older one of the two, I feel like it´s more likely that Kohaku is going to do the actual killing most of the time. He´s been trained to do it quietly and efficently so he´s the safer option if they don´t want to get caught. Madara may serve as a means to get their victim to go to a specific place where Kohaku can ambush them. I mean he seems very friendly and caring to most people so there´s nothing to be afraid of when he leads them into a pretty dark and secluded part in the middle of the night, right?

If he´s especially angry at something their target has done, then Madara might throw some insults their way or throw a few hard punches of his own, but he´s mostly involved with the cover-up and cheering you up if you happened to be close to the person they killed. Kohaku isn´t that good at comforting words so he just kind of sits beside you awkwardly as he pats your back.

Kohaku meanwhile obviously shines when it comes to eliminating the target. He doesn´t feel any kind of remorse while doing it, believing that they deserved their fate. And while he´s usually pretty quick about it, he may sometimes let his emotions get the better of him when he´s especially jealous of today´s victim because they happened to get too close to you for his tastes. Maybe he takes some more time with this person, not striking any vital organs on purpose to draw out their death so they´re able to feel the sort of anguish he goes through when he saw them talking to you so casually.

In the end he´s relieved knowing that he made your life a little easier by getting rid of this troublesome person.

So in a nutshell : There´s a lot of potential here! ^^

[tigerdrop]

in lieu of doing more strenuous hand-based activities heres the Dogboy Gordon In Heat Megamix ive been talking about. i wrote this over the course of a couple months in an effort to feel okay about writing horny shit again and i only just realized there are nearly 6 thousand words here. and they only really fuck for like 10% of that

ta-dah

ive thought a lot about gordon being stuck back at gordonhouse after getting kicked out of barneyhouse. i think its ripe for a lot of pining. (and yes, he is pining over the guy hes actively banging. hes being a big mopey idiot over the fact that he doesnt get to have his fuckbuddy around 24/7.) absence makes the heart grow fonder or whatever and gordons already at a baseline of "wheres benrey. wheres benrey"......and now i am about to turn it up to 11

so lets say......gordons starting to feel weirdly under the weather. sweaty and irritable and tired. hes holing himself up in his room a lot, wrapping himself up in blankets to fight off a chill and a sniffliness that wont go away. and hes gettin awfully moody, too. real fuckin testy. starting shit with freemind for no reason and snapping at og gordon like hes a teenager. and......hes nesting, almost, or at least, gathering up a whole bunch of blankets and pillows and anything that smells vaguely like benrey. (hes not really aware hes doing this last thing.)

basically, long story short, feetman is fucked up. hes pathetic. hes being a huge bitch. at least og gordon feels vaguely sorry for him, and expresses this by way of observing him and trying to treat it. for science. its better than freemind, who just loudly complains about him being a huge bitch and reeking up the place. theres something weird coming from vr gordons corner of the house.....a musky, heady, hormonal kind of thing that makes freemind act simultaneously territorial and irritable and more lascivious than normal. and that also piques og gordons attention, because having both of them be wound up little freaks at the same time is enough to make even the most resilient person pull their hair out

now gordon primes got his suspicions as to whats going on, but hes not gonna tell vr gordon that he suspects hes going into heat. that would compromise the experiment, and all that. so poor gordons just going thru all this shit not knowing what in the fuck is wrong with him and getting more worked up and irritable about it by the day. hes convinced that hes just got the flu, or something......except, uh, haha, jesus christ he is horny all the FUCKING TIME

he doesnt get it! he feels like shit all the time, so why is he constantly fighting off boners and having weird wet dreams and thinking about-- well. his fucking boyfriend, he guesses. (are they boyfriends?? he doesnt know. he gets a weird, sharp pang when he thinks about them not being boyfriends, at this point, but its not like theyve ever talked about it!) gordons half-convinced that hes just losing his mind from being stuck inside all the time and he really just wants to see benrey again. its, like, all he thinks about. (see? hes losing it. theres the proof.)

the sucks thing for everybody else is that gordon is also Extremely Vocal about how shitty he feels and how much he wishes he didnt feel shitty so he could go see benrey and how much he cant stand benrey for not being able to read his mind and come over when he feels bad. eventually freemind gets so sick of his shit that he decides to cut out the middleman and get benrey involved directly. "come take care of your fucking dog before i call the aspca! animal neglect is a crime, asshole!"

(if pressed, freemind would adamantly reject the idea that hes being nice to gordon. but on some level, hes kinda sympathetic. the guys clearly miserable, and he just keeps asking for the same fucking thing. might as well humor him to shut him up.)

vr gordon is completely unaware of these machinations, however. hes just holed up in his room trying to work out what makes him feel better because, uhh, powerade isnt helping

jacking off doesnt do a whole lot for him anymore. like, it feels good, but its not very satisfying. gordon just ends up feeling more restless than anything afterward. and hes always stupid horny. more blankets. a box fan. less blankets. sleeping with one of benreys shirts pressed up to his face. grinding into his pillow when he wakes up hard from yet another weird dream. theyre all a little helpful, and he feels like hes working towards the right thing, somehow, but its never really enough to take the edge off

and then.....he tries......jerking off more. especially when he realizes that its bizarrely soothing to do so while he can smell benrey up close and personal on that stupid shirt of his. better still when he rolls onto his side.....and then his stomach.......rocking his hips into the mattress until he gets the idea to lift his hips a little. and......oh. cool. something kind of......clicks. in his head. as he raises his hips higher while he keeps his arms wrapped around a pillow and benreys shirt jammed against his nose. hes got that lil moment of realization that this is good, actually. this feels like a good move. and its making some of that discomfort melt away

and gordon thinks about.....how it felt. earlier. when they were with barmey. and benrey had him just like this, ass up, face down, and was spreading him apart and licking him open and making him submit and he groans so fucking hard that embarassment just rips through him like lightning. but his tail starting to wag a little faster.....electricity shooting through his belly......and he cant help but wonder. what if benrey had kept going? pulled back and-- maybe, replaced his tongue with his fingers, one at a time, curling them inside him and telling him how well hes behaving and-- and his dick throbs, hard, and gordon realizes he wants fingers inside of himself right fucking now, thank you, hes not fully certain how to accomplish it be he is going to fucking try

(sigh) so my guy figures out about the old fingers in the ass trick. and i need you to understand that i am fully convinced that this is one of those guys who has an uproarious reaction to getting fingers in his ass. mr repressed and uptight over here doesnt really get what the big deal is until he gets braver and pushes a little deeper and hes rock hard in an instant, goodbye, just like everybodys favorite creative writing exercise

and this is what he decides to do for a solid day or two without leaving his room, because, honestly, this is awesome. and the longer he spends jerking off the less time he spends stressing about the fact that his imaginations getting really vivid, here. sure, like, hes no stranger to weird dreams even before this, but this is the first time hes really letting his mind run wild and this dude is nonstop thinking about being bred and gordon still has no fucking idea that hes in heat. doesnt even occur to him

unfortunately this also does not solve his problems but at least it feels baller and it keeps him occupied. also, unfortunately, the increased rate of jerking off is causing a serious uptick in Dog Smells, the effect of which is turning freemind into a nightmare. its just not good vibes in this house. enter: benrey

now i need you to understand that when these two meet up again i want gordon to get Emotional. think about how genuinely excited he gets to see some of his pals in canon. the like......excitement and disbelief when benrey shows up outside his window throwing rocks at it before noclipping in. he forgets to even act pissed off at first. i think it would be super fucking cute for him to drop the game for a moment just out of shock, basically. his tails waggin, his ears are perked up, and hed probably tackle benrey to the ground if he wasnt also a sweaty, trembling mess whos been holed up in his room for days.

and benrey has No Fucking Idea what he has walked in on here. as far as benrey knows, freemind just demanded he get over there and take care of his dog.

(INTERLUDE: here is the part where i gin up a freemind POV of this exact scene. b/c i am out of my fucking mind

so. i had the thought of a freemind POV chapter where hes spying on gordon and benrey.....because. gordons in heat. ive talked about that scenario before too (literally so many FUCKING times okay i just need this dude to have the uncontrollable urge to be bred like a little bitch! and for benrey to take pity on him and make him feel better by nutting in him literally as many times as is physically possible!!!)

but i wanna manifest it in this specific way: from an outside perspective. voyeurism is great and also i have a one track mind and basically the only time i traffic in Other Guys in this fandom anymore is as a participant in gordon and benreys horse shit. Im not apologizing for this

lets say.....vr gordons behavior has been getting worse and worse for "unknown reasons" and freeman prime just sees it as a key observational opportunity for his research. while freeminds getting really irritated at how much its cutting into his normal way of life. for one thing, vr gordons room reeks, and he cant even escape it in his own room! and its turning him into a feisty, aggressive, and loud son of a bitch. but he cant even resolve it in his usual fashion at this point (baiting vr gordon into another competition/fuckfest) b/c gordons being a little sadsack holed up in his room and doesnt wanna play

but also.....he kinda just feels bad for the guy at a certain point. hes clearly really miserable and looks downright ill and all hes asking for is to see his boytoy again. (gordons convinced that hes dying, and feels the need to dramatically speak to benrey one last time before he croaks.) so freemind decides, in all his benevolence, to go over gordon primes head and drag the guy over there anyway. (with machinations, not his literal bare hands. what is he, a caveman?) he reasons that itll be a good opportunity to twist gordons arm into groveling at his feet later

and he spies on the two of them in gordons room.....why? idk. possibly something to do with investigating this relationship between a gordon and a barney that he had yet to fully analyze. tl;dr he gets trapped in their closet for a remix of that one barmey voyeurism chapter b/c why the fuck not

i just.....i dont know.....i think theres something really charming about a 3rd party not being able to fully make out what theyre saying or doing but piecing things together anyway.....like benreys weirdly soft tone of voice when hes talking to a super agitated gordon. as far as any of them know, hes not really like that. he either sounds bored or smug, but either way, its usually straight-up antagonistic

it would make freemind bristle to hear it b/c its almost a mocking tone, but.....it makes gordons shoulders drop and gets him to let go of some of that tension and thats probably fascinating to watch. literally soothing him like a stressed out dog, huh. smoothing back his hair and murmuring things in a low, even tone that freeminds enhanced hearing still isnt good enough to make out. (the guy mumbles, okay? he needs a fucking toastmasters meetup.)

it would equal parts horrify and fascinate freemind, in my onion. watching a version of himself fall that hard into the loyal pet role.....its pathetic! for all that gordon goes on about not being a slave to his instinct or whatever, he sure is doing a bad job of acting like it! its like watching himself, but worse.

and benreys having to soothe him like a startled animal b/c he doesnt even know whats wrong with himself, but theres something thick enough on the air that even benrey can smell it, and hes taking some stabs at the dark. especially with how charged some of the shit gordons saying is......"i cant fucking take it anymore", "you smell so good", "i dont know whats wrong with me, man, my dick hasnt gone down for days and im pretty sure i need a doctor-- no, a real one, not the other gor-- NOT a vet, JESUS"

and the whole time.....freeminds peeking from behind a closet door. watching them devolve from outright hostility into "gordon climbing into benreys lap and shoving one of benreys hands up his shirt and demanding that he fucking touch him already"

normally i dont think freemind would be averse to a little bit of voyeurism, here. if it was anybody else, hed probably at least engage in a little heavy petting. but this is getting weird, man. he cant shake the uncanny feeling that this is something too intimate for him to be watching. for one thing, gordons whimpering like a goddamn dog just from a little necking, and for two, hes never really been the kind of guy to watch people make out for 15 minutes before they get to the good stuff

its just kind of unsettling how much these two clearly really, really like each other at this point. its not like watching gordon prime give vr gordon a handjob as part of a "test". freemind expected more of a hatefuck kind of deal out of these two, what with how often gordons normally going on about how much he hates the guy, what a pain in the ass benrey is, how he just wishes benrey would stop jerking him around.....etc. freemind could shit himself right now. that lying bitch!

i imagine its also kind of painful, on a personal level, for him to watch this borderline-sappy shit. he cant even fathom being on the receiving end of that behavior, let alone from......well. theyve all got their barneys, right? and gordon primes basically doomed himself to incel status b/c he wont nut up and do anything about it. freemind just assumed they were all in the same boat: cursed to casual sex with their roommates/clones, forever, and unable to achieve any kind of intimacy b/c all 3 gordons are fucked up in the exact same way. since theyre all just diff flavors of the same fucking guy, right?

well, theres the evidence that hes wrong. and that vr gordons better than him, somehow. thats gotta suck, bro

anyway then he watches vr gordon get railed in the ass a bunch and jerks off anyway b/c its still hot. see ya)

“take care of your dog”. huh. hes got no clue what that means but, yknow, he does kinda miss his dog. hasnt seen gordon in awhile. and he immediately comments "wow. you look fucked up" in as blunt and unsympathetic a way as possible. but gordons so far gone that he cant even work up a good anger about it. he is pretty fucked up, man. and benrey sits on the bed and slaps his forehead with a palm to take his temperature (and that gets gordon to bitch at him, finally, that thats not how you do it, asshole) and judges that, uh, he is hot. in his expert opinion

and thats when gordon kinda grabs his sleeve and tugs it and starts tryin to say something. hes really bad at it, because he is having to perform the mortifying task of Owning Up To It, but eventually he manages to grind out that he needs benrey to touch him, please. just pet him. something. he feels really bad and he just needs benrey to scratch his fucking ears. this is the most gordon can cop to in one go, and it is such a sad struggle to watch, but benreys caught off guard by it and he feels weirdly bad for gordon upon hearing it so  hes just like "whoa, okay" when gordon tugs his hand to his head

gordon groans the moment his fingernails start scratching behind the ears and digging into his scalp. even just that much feels really fucking good. its comforting, for one thing, and its benrey, for another, and the physical touch feels so fucking good right now that goosebumps are crawling down his neck. gordon cant help but lean against benrey and bury his head in the crook of his shoulder. he wants to hide his face from scrutiny and he wants to get closer but he doesnt know how to say what his fucking problem is

and benreys weirdly quiet. just kinda mumbling and shushing him intermittently, awkward and not sure what to do b/c this is a level of intimacy he was not expecting but gordons sure is responding nicely to a second hand in his hair

so having both of benreys hands scratching at his scalp is really getting to gordon. hes scritchin behind the ears and gordons tails wagging at a mile a minute. the feelings making goosebumps race down his neck and arms. he starts kind of mumbling something into benreys shoulder, how hes been feeling so fucked up lately, and he squirms a little closer. hes not really aiming for anywhere in particular but every neuron thats firing in him right now is telling him to get closer. make contact. he missed the fucking guy, what can he say.

and one of benreys hands......slips down to gordons face. his jaw. a thumb pushing into that soft little divot between his jaw and neck, like hes trying to push up into gordons fucking teeth. its weird and bizarrely intrusive, but benreys hand is broad and warm and gordon leans into it anyway, groaning with relief. its not like its not doing anything for him. kind of the opposite, actually. then he palms at gordons neck, and gordon starts breathing harder. he can feel his heartbeat rabbit-fast, pushing against benreys skin (and theres no way benrey isnt feeling that, too).

benrey eyes are lidded and his breaths starting to get heavier, too. naturally, yknow, since gordons practically draped over him right now, melting all the more the longer benrey keeps petting him. oxytocin is crazy, man, especially when a guys in the full throes of some kind of chemical meltdown of the glands. gordons eyes are screwed shut, tail thumping furiously against the bed, and hes panting at benreys neck like hes a fucking dog.  he just doesnt know how to articulate what the fuck his problem is

benrey smells insanely good to him right now, and gordon just blurts that out. benrey gives him some shit for it, but when gordon only makes a weird noise in response and fists his hands in benreys hoodie, it makes him shut up real quick. hes squeezing out words about feeling like he needs something, but its clearly a fucking effort. its almost pitiful

so. gordons crawled right into benreys lap, too impatient after days and days of feeling like this (you know, being in heat, in so many words). hes been pounding off like crazy, that brand new collar of his strapped to his neck nearly every time b/c hes that desperate to feel… well. *benrey*. he cant fucking jerk off to thoughts of anything else - porn doesnt do it for him, and his fantasies slip right back to the same thing every single time. its frustrating! hes bisexual, for gods sake! its not like hes normally immune to the wiles of the Phat Ass White Girl, but lately he just keeps ending up on his hands and knees and whining benreys name into his pillow and he couldnt focus on a girls rack if he tried

point being. hes being awfully fucking demanding. (and also, hes wearing the collar *right fucking now)*. he shoves benreys hand up his shirt and shivers the moment he makes contact with gordons burning-hot flesh. and hes demanding that benrey touch him already, jesus, hes losing his mind! and benreys just crooning at him, “bossy, huh,” but hes scritching gordons ears and palming at his side and nosing at gordons neck and gordon starts to feel like hes melting into it. his protests at being talked down to are perfunctory at best

benrey licks a stripe up gordons neck and starts muttering his stupid horseshit right in gordons ear and it makes gordon clutch his shoulders so tight, claws digging into the meat of him. benreys kind of into it, though, and it just makes him laugh, low and harsh and right in gordons ear. that just makes gordons problem worse. he lets out quiet, nasal whines on every exhale, like a literal fucking dog.

he starts teasing, like, “haha, you’re *gagging* for it, bro,” but gordon doesnt respond with the defensiveness he expects. instead, its like opening a floodgate - he is, hes fucking *desperate*, okay, his dick hasnt gone down in days and he wants benrey so bad he cant see straight and he cant stop thinking about him and all of this comes tumbling out of him at once. gordons trying to press himself as close to benrey as he can physically get, legs straddling benreys lap and arms clutched tight around his back. and when benrey prods a little more, tells gordon to say what hes been thinkin about, gordon starts to pant, squeezing his eyes shut. but he cant bring himself to do anything more than choke and stutter on the words

hes half-hard in his underwear already (and, lets be be clear, he was only in boxer briefs and a tank top to begin with. hes sweating buckets and its the least amount of clothing he could get away with wearing around the house) and his tails thumping a mile a minute and hes so far gone, just from benrey talking down to him and kissing his neck and scratching his ears. but hes not budging yet, so benrey slides that hand on his ears over to his ponytail and *yanks*. tells him, “speak.” gordons dick twitches rapidly, and he lets out a sharp sound, and he finally says it: he needs benrey to *fuck* him, jesus

benrey lets out a harsh breath at that. “yeah? thats what puppy wants?” and the nickname should blister him, make him feel to embarrassed to continue, but gordons too desperate to care. he just starts spewing a litany of “god yes”s and “please”s. hes getting harder and harder, pressed up against benreys belly, and benrey can *feel* it. “good boy,” he mutters, and those claws dig harder, that panting gets louder and harsher

he slips a hand around to gordons back, rubbing slowly for a moment as if to soothe him, and then slides it under the back of gordons boxers. and lower still. starts rubbing at gordons hole. that gets a quiet “oh god” out of gordon.

gordon cant help himself - he rocks forward against benrey, just a little, rubbing his bulge against what he realizes is benreys *extremely* hard dick in his sweatpants. hes not the only one whos got it bad. but he *is* the only one whispering, “fuck, fuck, fuck,” as benrey pushes a little further, makes as if hes about to breach gordon dry. the poor guys so needy that he probably wouldnt even argue!

but benrey just stares at him, wide eyed and flushed, mouth hanging open a little. gordons so hot for this that it surprises the both of them.

anyway after some boring position finagling benrey coaxes gordon onto his hands and knees, running a broad hand down gordons shaking back. and he pulls back gordons tail, exposing him. its so fucking humiliating - gordons got his face buried in a pillow, and his ass in the air, and hes never felt so *vulnerable* before. he wants to argue, he wants to lift his head and look back to make sure that everythings, like, okay back there - benreys staring at his entire asshole, okay, and he wasnt exactly anticipating benrey making a house call to fuck him in the ass - but every time he lifts his head, or starts to say something neurotic about it, benrey chides him about it. clicks his tongue. tells him, “hey. dogs dont talk” or “i said *bow*, bro”.

for all his insisting that hes a real guy, that hes not just a dog, gordons feeling less and less like a human and more like something in thrall to his instincts. the condescension rankles like it always does, but doing what benrey tells him to feels good. feels natural. presenting himself like this feels like what hes *supposed* to do. it doesnt stop him from running his mouth entirely, but it helps to mitigate some of the embarrassment.

and then… benrey *licks*. gordon tenses and gasps. he doesnt know how benrey can stand it, its gotta be, like, unhygienic! but that didnt scare him off the last time they tried this, and its not like gordon hasnt thought about it since. hes thought about it a lot, actually. but hes been too neurotic to ask for it. benreys not stupid, though. hes a good dog owner (at least, so he thinks) and hes gonna take care of his dog. so he licks again, and again, pressing a little harder against gordons hole on each pass with the broad side of his tongue until he dares to breach it with the tip.

gordons rock hard again in an instant. his dick hangs between his legs and drips onto the sheets. he digs his fingers into the pillow now, tearing holes in its surface with those sharp nails of his, and he makes embarrassingly high noises that he muffles into into the pillow, too. hes tense, hes so fucking tense, he should be clamping down and making benreys task really fucking hard, but theres bright pink sweet voice dripping from his hole and benreys rubbing the side of his thigh in an effort to soothe him and both of these things work in tandem to get him to relax. and benrey works his tongue in further, further than a human ought to.

the tip was one thing, but it gets wider as benrey pushes it in, and its just as good as it was before - better, even, because now its just the two of them, just a master and his dog, and benreys the only one he wants to see him like this. bent over and whimpering. he cant— he cant stomach the thought of anybody else doing this to him. hell, there was a point once where the idea of stomaching *benrey* doing this to him would have made him laugh. but here he is. benreys fucking him open with his tongue and pressing against something thats making him see stars and gordon just wants *more*. he says it so sweet, too, voice growing hoarse and raw as he begs benrey to just fucking do it already, he doesnt wanna come like this!

gordon gets so worked up and emotional about it that benrey takes the time to scratch behind his ears again, shushing him and telling him to chill. benreys got him. hes been a good dog, and good dogs get treats. hearing the words “good dog” makes gordons entire body flush. thats all he wants, really. he wants to be a good dog. he wants to be *told*. he blurts out, “oh my god— say it again,” and benreys like, “huh? say what? youre gonna have to be more specific,” clicking the last syllable. it makes all the hairs on gordons head rise and prickle with shame. the best he can do is mumble it into his pillow.

benrey hears it, though, and tugs at gordons collar from behind, just enough to raise his head. “whassat? you want me to call you a good boy?” gordon cant bring himself to answer that directly, but his stupid body betrays him by making him whine. jesus christ, yes, thats all he WANTS! he needs benrey to be good and nice to him for once in his fucking life and give him what he wants instead of taking, taking, taking! but benrey just tells him that hes gonna have to earn it. gonna have to be *real* good for him. gordon could fucking snarl at that, but benreys pulling back to rub his dick between gordons cheeks and against his hole and that shuts him up pretty fast because hes *so close* to getting what he wants and hes not about to fuck it up now by running his big dumb mouth

and then… he starts to push in. that sweet voice has loosened gordon up enough to take even benrey, who, uh, is definitely the bigger of the two, in that regard. he goes slow, uncharacteristically so, and gordons chest heaves with the force of how hard hes breathing. a quiet string of “oh god”s spills out of him as he tries to crane his neck back to watch. the head breaches him with a strange popping sensation, and benrey groans, loud, as the rest of him slides in with little resistance in comparison. “good,” he pants in turn, “youre takin it so good,” and—

and gordon comes, in weak, aborted spurts. it snuck up on him. he clenches so fucking tightly that it winds benrey a little. he breathes out, “whoa. did you—” but gordon just begs him to shut up, keep going, hes not— hes not done yet, its always like this, its not *enough*. his dick barely even flags afterward, it just hangs there, achingly hard and dripping with cum. benrey cant even find it in himself to make fun of him. he wants it so fucking bad, doesnt he? and he feels so good, so fucking tight and slick around benrey that the only thought running through his head is “gotta take care of my dog gotta fuck my best friend gotta nut in him and make him howl”. so he pushes himself alllll the way in until theyre pressed together, skin to skin.

then he starts to move. slow, careful thrusts, more for benreys benefit than gordons. if hes not careful, hes gonna blow his load, right then and there, and hes trying to make it good for gordon, too, okay? unlike *some* of them, hes not gonna bust in two minutes and then spend the next half hour crying and trauma-dumping to the guy hes still got his dick inside of.

once he thinks hes got a grip, though, benrey starts fucking him in earnest, and that changes gordons vocalizations from weak little whimpers into something louder. less restrained. hes given up any pretense of being quiet so that his other selves dont hear that hes snuck his boytoy into his room. just loud, wordless moans on each thrust, initially muffled into the pillow but soon spilling into the wider room when he turns his head to catch his breath. the only words hes managing are “oh god” and “please” and “benrey, benrey, *benrey*”, and benrey just responds to him like, “yeah? thats good? fuuuck, bro, so good for me,” all short of breath and barely able to speak himself

he wants to see gordons face. he *needs* to see gordons face. needs to see what hes doing to him, needs to see that cute fuckin blush of his. so he tugs on gordons collar again, bringing him to his hands and knees properly instead of that bowing position. and then further still - pulls him back so that benreys on his knees, and gordons on his knees in turn, on his lap, cock still buried inside of him and fucking him in short, hurried thrusts. “paws up,” benrey tells him, and gordon does it. instantly. no resistance. just folds them at his chest like a real dog would.

“whos a good boy?” benrey croons, right in his ear again. gordon gasps, “i-i am!”

“yeah? youre a good boy?” nod, wail. “whose— whose good boy are you?”

and gordon chokes on his response. he cant say it, he *cant*, he doesnt want to be benreys but he does, he *does*. he doesnt want to be benreys because its not fucking fair! he cares so fucking much! so much more than benrey does, it feels like, obsessing over the guy like hes wrapped thorny vines all around gordons heart and he cant so much as shift in his seat without feeling the tug and the ache and thinking of benrey again. and benrey doesnt care, he never fucking cares, except—

except he showed up at gordons house, in his room. without even being asked. like he knew something was wrong. and he— hes always talking to gordon, shooting him stupid texts just to make him laugh. scheduling *date nights* for them. date nights where, yeah, maybe they couldnt see each other in person, and maybe they always end in some kind of depraved sexual act, but its not like gordons not into it. hes frighteningly into it, actually. and hes *so* into hearing benreys voice, low and crooning, right in his ear, and seeing him lean on an elbow and smile at him afterward. its— its practically genuine. and benreys always making excuses to talk with him, do things with him, watch stupid fucking movies that only gordon cares about and stream with him on twitch to help boost his subscriber count and—

and—

oh god. maybe he *does* care. that might be more terrifying than the alternative.

then benrey yanks the collar again. presses the whole of gordons back against his front in one hot, unbroken line. and asks, “i said, whose good boy are you, bro? *speak.*”

“benrey,” he blurts out, a ragged moan, “d-dont make me sa-AY it, oh god—”

“no?” benrey stills suddenly. his hands keep gordon stuck in place, unable to move or bounce or feel benrey shift inside of him. “thats, uh… thats too bad, friend. this trains for good boys only. good dogs go to heaven 2. no bad dogs allowed. gonna have to, uhh, escort you off—”

“im not a bad dog!”

“i dunno, gordo. bein’ kind of, uh… disobedient.”

(sorry. thats all i got . byeeee)

[vatican3]

shit fuck i dint remember if i put thay on anon please answer this one if you did ik not ready for the world to know im a puppet fucker

awaa AWAAA i didnt expect this much support 👉👈. sorry it took me a bit to gather up the courage to send another ask but. i really like the trxture of felt. a lot. Lot. i can get off to it so easily. its like. i cant fully explain it its just so Good to me. and im obj so yk. its more than just me liking the textures of the puppets. i think its the 'tism for me too. ive never like. actually fucked. puppets b4 but the idea the idea is a huge turn on. i jack off to them though. not like. childrens puppets im not. like that. but like if youve ever read be kind my neighbor.. well. yeah. but anyways i thiiiiink. itd make for good foreplay and roleplay. im a bit of a puppeteer, not anything impressive but its a bit of a hobby. and i think. yk theyd be at least understanding of weird kinks and desires and attachment of inanimate objects. and also i think theyd be down for whatever at the end of the day even if they dont express a lot of things. but !! back to the roleplay part. yk its been a weird fantasy of mine to rail someone while controlling a puppet. just absolutely destroying them while whatever praise or degradations coming from the puppet n not me. or like. we act like a duo yk? your puppet is both an extention of yourself and a separate entity. and just like. the idea of copia lettin me do that makes me all mushy inside. and hard. its a weird combo of both.

YOU WERE ON ANON DON’T WORRY!!! Even I don’t know who you are.

Okay listen to me. This sounds like exactly the kind of cross section of strange and particular that Copia would absolutely give a try. There’s no loss here. I think they’d be into it!

Truly this is an entirely harmless thing to be into I don’t think you need to be as nervous about it as you are!! I am intrigued!! I would love to hear more of your thoughts. Please bring as many as you’d like to me. We love you. :3c

[nurseofren]

Keeping Your Promise - Chapter 28 (NSFW)

Read on AO3 | Read on Wattpad

Read chapter twenty-seven

Title: You Need Me

Words: 5.9k

Summary: Third time’s the charm, right?

Warnings: Lost orgasm

ST Rambles: WOW! Not me posting a chapter a chapter after only two weeks. Nuts, really. As of now, this semester is much less of... it's just less fucking nonsense, if I am being honest. I am getting very excited about my future and where I will be this time next year. I have an interview on February 27th for a new-grad RN residency program. It's all just very strange and adult right now.

[MASTERLIST] || BANNER // @elmidol​

However short it might be, you thought you would like to spend the rest of forever exactly like this.

The sun remained hidden, and the light of the moon had faded, leaving you shrouded in darkness and engulfed in the heat of Kylo Ren’s resting form. Not a limb had moved from what you could remember before dozing off last night, your legs kept woven with his, cheek melting into his solid chest, the broad hand between your shoulders less stark in its effort to keep you against him. Still, the world vaguely existing beyond the canopy around you, you remained tucked into him, unsure if you had ever felt this amount of peace before. One difference now, something you’d never had the chance to experience, was the faint tickle of deep, rhythmic breath coming from the sleeping warrior who caressed you.

Twelve. Twelve perfect, dazed breaths kissed your forehead and sent mild sparks dancing along your skin; they followed thoughts of absent nightmares, nightmares that always seemed to keep away when he was near. Looking at him, peering up to see the vulnerability in his slackened mouth and long, looming eyelashes framing the dying purple that lay beneath them, you could tell he had not slept this well since Starkiller. Maybe even before then. Quietly, you allowed yourself somewhat of a small victory at the thought.

You did not know what to do, not wanting to wake him, yet aware that you needed to get ready for your shift. The calendar-chip Karmen had given you had transferred its data into your watch, but your watch was rooms away – worlds away – resting on the refresher floor. The transport ship would be waiting at the front entrance at six, but that had to be at least an hour away if you were banking on the soft darkness surrounding you, not quite remembering what it felt like waking up to real sunlight.

So, ever so slightly, making every effort to silence your breath and shifting, you loosed from his hold and led his arm lightly back down to the bed, watching him for any sign of disturbance. Through the distance, you heard the early, soft ebbing of the sea, noting how it complemented the push of Kylo’s exhales. He did not seem to stir, not even a lapse in his breathing when you rolled onto your back and tugged the linens up to cover your chest, the cold of the room taking residence over the skin previously pressed to the hearth of his own.

Your Master. The Commander of the First Order. Kylo Ren. How strange it was to be here, to see up close every healed and healing scar, to witness the slight twitch in his brow, to study the handsome line of his nose and the various moles that flecked along his cheeks. This was the strongest, most feared and lethal man in the galaxy, and here you were fawning over the light spray of sparce freckles sprawled along his cheekbones. A privilege, you thought, to have the man who haunted nightmares keep your very own at bay.

Lips pressed together, eyes full of wonder, you let the very tips of your fingers trace the raven haze of hair that splayed beneath his dreaming face. And when the dark ends met his shoulder, you risked a featherlight touch over the hand you had earlier placed. An intricate, beautiful pattern of veins jutted out on its surface, his long fingers curled into a weak fist, your focus lingering along the scars cut into his knuckles. A life of scrapes and training and battle and bruises lived in his skin, the veins beneath treading paths along them, like a map, like a guidebook to each blight of hurt that ghosted their blue trails. You swallowed a giggle, wondering if you would pick a sixteen or a fourteen-gauge needle to start an IV on him.

Running your fourth finger along the prominent vein that fled gracefully along his entire arm, you kissed the inside of his wrist, watching his face and never wanting to disturb him, but needing to feel him. A slight upward twitch at the corner of his mouth made your heart jump, choking back a gasp when a curl of hair swept over his eyes. Another fascination, how full his lips were; you touched them, a sneaking whisper of your fingers, pulling down on the bottom one and leaning in closer and closer, warmth fogging your hand, your face, his features unmoving and mild.

The elegant brutality that now crowned his features – it was healing, its edges no longer raised and red, but flush with their binding. Two weeks ago his face had been unmarred, but the whole of you found this new normal breathtaking, heart-stopping. Beholding him now brought you back to that desperate moment, just before he’d carried you to bed, when you clung to him because you believed you’d never get another chance.

Palm flat to his chest, above his heart, following the lead of his lungs, you closed your eyes and rested your lips to the corner of his mouth, and said, quieter than the very thought of a whisper, “I never wanted to hurt you.” A ghosted kiss. “I never wanted to leave then, and…” The steady beat of his heart remained, the rush of your own silencing the tide of the waking bay. With his next breath, with an aching chest that held nothing of the pain it had previously, you breathed, “I never wanted to leave then, and I never want to leave again.”

Not a single tear, not even the suggestion of one, nothing but adamant truth tapping against the canopy’s silence. You needed him here, no longer caring if it stole the innocence and vulnerability of sleep’s caress.

“Kylo,” you whispered, kissing him with intent, coaxing him awake.

A deep, sharp inhale. You could not trap the smile that broke across your cheeks.

A nuzzle against his nose, curious fingers breeching that sea of obsidian tresses. “Kylo, wake up.”

He hummed, his lips finally leading into yours when he left his dream’s embrace. Like he had not wanted it moved, his hand reclaimed your back and pressed you against him, his other hiking your leg atop his own, the feel of his skin warming you to your very center. Nearly melded against him, his bare torso to yours, you felt him harden, felt the heat of his cock grow and thicken, become weighted as it filled and filled. You caught an unbidden gasp, leaning away from him long enough to see the mischief that danced in his eyes.

His arms coiled around you as he stretched, a cant of his hips to finish off the gesture. He was looking down at you, first at your face, then over your body, the skim of his eyes heavy when you could see their every tick. Kylo slid a rough hand up your leg, stopping just beneath the curve of your ass and anchoring himself to the scorching skin of your inner thigh. When he looked back to your eyes, searing amber swallowed by the shadows of the room, you smiled and ground yourself into his erection. Kylo growled in approval, your lips gracing his and feeling the depth of the vibration on his lips.

“You know,” he sighed, sleep heavy in his voice, “they should add assault and battery to your charges.” Those fingers around your thigh reached deeper.

“Hm, and why is that?”

“Because,” he nipped your bottom lip, “I didn’t consent to any of this.”

His crooning tone filtered into your veins, amusement blooming in your chest. “You were asleep. If anything, I was being considerate.”

“Considerate, mm?” Your fingers fisted at his nape, the hand at your back gliding up to do the same. “I guess I’ve been very considerate both times I’ve woken up before you, then.”

“Kylo Ren: considerate,” you chuffed a giggle, “I don’t know about that.”

“Really?” he rumbled, light yet venomous. Kylo tread parted lips along your jaw, your ear lobe slipping between them before he pulled you in and whispered with pride and claim, “Because that first morning, before I left you to sleep in my bed,” the hand around your thigh shifted upward, just grazing your slit, “I stared at the bruises I’d made the previous night, stared at how they’d grown and how they all belonged to me.”

The tip of his tongue slid along the shell of your ear, a pant parting your lips when his cock throbbed into your abdomen.

Kylo’s tone had lowered and thickened when he next spoke, “I thought about waking you up, then,” the tip of his finger pushed into the wetness that had gathered between your legs, a pleasured hum rolling out of him, “thought about fucking my hand while I watched you sleep, knowing my cum had dried onto your thighs overnight.”

Hot, masterful fingers parted your folds, your breath stuck in your throat as Kylo stared into you, watching you when his touch brushed lazily against your clit. His eyes narrowed in knowing pride when yours seemed to flutter, hiking your leg up further, trying to get another graze of his touch. An effort in vain. His hips canted again, slowly this time, stroking himself against the soft skin of your belly.

“I wanted to fuck you awake, really, wanted the first thing you were aware of to be me splitting you open, wanted to see your eyes lull and widen when you realized what was going on.” A second tease of those fingers, slick slipping past your entrance. “And I could have, you know,” he drawled, a third nudge over your stiffened bud, a tug at the nape of your neck.

He waited, observing you before you asked through shuddering breath, “What do I know?”

An upward slant to those plush lips, a tongue running along his teeth, a viper behind his eyes. “You know that I can have you whenever, however I want—” his fingers began a slow, circling pattern, passing over and over that sweet spot “—because you’re always ready for me, always wet.” His hand shifted so it was his thumb rolling over the buzzing nerves, and the tips of three bare, slickened fingers teased your core. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

You ground into him, begging for more of him, the length of his cock burning into you, slipping against your stomach as precum slicked his shaft. With as much nonchalance as you could muster, which was near zilch as you held back hums and winces with each pass of his thumb, you sighed, “Maybe, or perhaps you’re forgetting my life doesn’t revolve around you.”

“Maybe not right now,” he purred, pumping and circling his fingers, effectively inching you toward climax, “give it time. Give me time.”

“What are you talking about?” you panted, pushing your body into his hand, reaching the very brink of pleasure.

His hips canted, he grunted, and when you winced, seethed with pleasure, felt it tighten in your belly and quiver along your legs, Kylo stopped.

“No,” you whined, “no! That’s just cruel,” you pulled his face from your neck, “Kylo, what-,”

He said nothing, but there was something unreadable in his expression that stopped you from readying for battle. It appeared like something had just clicked for him, his eyes so distant he could have been in an entirely different galaxy for all you knew. Just as fast as he was gone, he returned with passive pomp settling a smirk into his face.

You studied him, confused and stunted, but if he wanted to return from wherever he’d gone, so would you. “Hey!” You punched his shoulder. “What the hell?”

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

He ground his teeth, sucking them before the most sardonic smile cast over his features. “You should get dressed,” he cooed your name, the sweet tone widening your eyes, feeling the challenge in it, “I would hate for you to be late to your second first day.” He hummed, laving his gaze over the sweat glittering along your heaving chest, tiding viciously with unsated breath. “We both know what happened the first time.”

With a raised brow, “I have two capable hands,” you countered, pushing away from him. “I don’t need you.”

Quicker than you could register, he had both your hands pinned beside your head, his broad, structured body pressing fully into you. “You do need me,” he breathed, nothing feral in his tone, but sure, not a shred of doubt when he said, “you need me, and for this to work-,”

“For what to work?”

He kept quiet for a moment, a decision weighing on him, focus flicking between your eyes and the light that teased beyond the windows, along the horizon. It appeared as if time would have permitted, if the sun had slept in a second longer, he would have answered you. You saw it in his eyes, when he peered down to you, his hair a shield from the rest of the world, you saw that whatever rested against his lips – it would have changed everything you knew. Everything you did not know.

But instead, with a swallow and a sigh, he simply said, “For this to work, you do need me.”

You tested a hand from under his, slipping it so your thumb smoothed along his flushed ear. Flitting your attention between his stark, serious eyes, feeling the panting of his parted lips, you knew you were right when you said, “We need each other.” Your other hand found its earlier home over his chest; staring at its placement, feeling every smooth, unrelenting beat of his heart, you declared, “for this to work, we need each other.”

Another quiet moment, and when you looked up, you found the very beginnings of dawn claiming the shadows that had earlier claimed his irises. Pushing his hair back, you could see that even though you were right – you did need each other – he didn’t want it to be true. Not that it seemed to anger him, but something remained hidden, kept quiet in his gaze, something taut and unyielding; something, it seemed, he did not want to admit – to you or himself.

He nodded. Not a word, not a breath. But more than you would have expected from him in the past.

Equal.

“You could have just let me finish and then been dramatic, you know?” you sighed, easing back from intensity when something of amusement softened his face.

“At least for today,” he purred your name, “your world will revolve around me.”

“And why is th-oh,” the Force nudged your bud, laved at it just as his tongue might.

He leaned down one last time, lips to your ear. “Because you’re not cumming until I let you, and you have a twelve-hour orientation shift to look forward to today.” An icy thrill swept your veins when he promised, “I intend to make each one of those hours memorable.”

“You won’t be anywhere near me.”

“As I’ve found recently,” his hand teased along your curves, the pad of his thumb ghosting the very tip of your nipple. When you shuddered, he hummed, “distance is no longer a barrier.”

Even through the haze of lust, there was no hiding the contempt in your voice when you barked, “And you figured that out how? Through training? While you’re still healing from not even two weeks ago?”

Kylo did not say anything, instead leaning back and letting you out from under him. He was still hard, but you had no time or want to care about that fact. Kylo watched as you stormed from the canopy and gathered your clothes from the refresher, nearly stomping. Through the gossamer fabric, you saw he was amused with you, and when you pulled on yesterday’s uniform to make the short distance to your room, he stood from the bed and sauntered toward you.

“Didn’t Belkar give you orders to not strain yourself for at least a month?” Your arms were crossed to your chest, your remaining belongings tucked beneath them. “You know, you aren’t invincible. You have to know that by now, right? Because I sure as hell do.” The image of his comatose form slithered in and out of memory. You shuddered. “Can’t you just do what’s good for yourself? This once?”

He took the step up from the bed’s level, the heightening sun glowing behind him, crowding the pale blue of the sky with every step that brought him closer. Lazily, like you weren’t lecturing him, he ran the flat of his fingers along his shaft, cocking his head when he stopped a pace away from you.

“Why would I listen to his orders?”

“Okay, then it’s my order,” you said, “because if you want to be stubborn, fine. But if I need you, then I need you at your best, not hurt and half-healed because your skull is too thick and your ego is too big to process that no matter if you are Kylo Ren, you are still human. And I am your care provider. And… I… say so.”

His lips twitched. “You say so?”

Although you barely believed the authority in your tone, you held steady, “Yes, Commander Ren, I say so.”

He’d never looked at you quite like he was now, something of stunned pride gleaming behind a much more fortified front of command. Closing the space between you, your back meeting the chilled black of the door, Kylo leaned down and studied your crossed arms. Knowing mischief flashed in them before he sought your gaze and met you with a face full of challenge.

“First,” he rumbled, his breath on your lips, “address me by my name or my title, not that rank. Ever again. Understood?”

Eyes on his plush, dawn-kissed mouth. “Yes. Second?”

“Second,” tongue in cheek, the hand he’d busied with his erection came up and plucked an article from your arms. It was only after his face became the youngest you’d seen it – taunting eyes and a broad, pompous smile – when you realized what hung from the tip of his forefinger. “I suppose mine might be more comfortable than your own?”

Your mouth fell open – in horror or at his audacity, you did not know. He was thoroughly enjoying himself, waiting for you to squirm as you viewed his boxer-briefs just inches from your face. You wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

“They are, actually. So, if you don’t mind—” you plucked them from his grasp, not breaking his stare for a second “—I’ll take these.” He only looked between your eyes, his own glinting with amusement. “And here—” you balled up your own panties and clasped your hand to his, tucking both to his chest and smiling sweetly “—if I’ve put you out too many pairs.”

A few seconds passed where all you did was take victory in the stunned setting of his features, and when you reached to activate the door, he caught your hand and pressed a long, hard, lusting kiss to your mouth. When he finished, both of you panting, he circled a canine with the tip of his tongue and took a step back.

“Good luck today,” the door shot open and your heart thrummed at the whoosh of ice over your back. With the tone of his next words – slithering, toying, smug – and remembering his promise to make the hours memorable, you knew he meant nothing to do with your occupation when he said, “you’ll need it.”

Sighing, you stepped into the vacant landing, and shot him one final smirk. “I have my watch if you need me,” you swept your gaze over his bare, muscled body, “if you want me.” No matter if you’d meant to, you’d initiated a game, and for the first time in so long, you were excited to play.

In the few steps from his room to your own, you waited for the gentle lock that indicated the door’s close, but it never came. For a second, you wondered if it had shut and you just did not hear it, but you felt those dark, peering eyes and knew his gaze was following your every move. So when you activated your door, took one step past the threshold, you pulled the skirt of your uniform over your head and stretched your arms above, your bare back arched and ass on display.

In a marked taunt, you purred, “Think of me fondly in my absence, Master Ren.”

You did not wait for a response before activating the door to shut, but one still came in the form of an overwhelming, buzzing pulse between your legs. A high-pitched mewl accompanied your trip forward, yipping until ten endless seconds passed and the pleasure thrumming along your slit subsided.

Game on.

[HORIZONTILE LINE]

With a fresh uniform, and Kylo’s briefs hugging your curves, you strode through the manor – although, you were still unsure what to call this place – and meandered your way around until you found a kitchen. Some of the staff acknowledged you with a small nod, others too busy cutting exotic fruits and preparing for breakfast. Which, passing by two intricately stacked and arranged platters, you knew most of the food being prepared would just as quickly be disposed of.

A woman in a black uniform guided you out of the bustling kitchen, taking you to a dining room. In it was a long table, undoubtedly used for meetings and manipulation, filled with trays of meats and fruits and carafes of juices, a metal one indicative of milk or cream. A large, insulated pot with a gilded, floral handle, steamed at the far end of the table. Caffeine.

There was limited time to eat, only about thirty minutes before the transport arrive, so you took a plate, painted too intricately with the flowers you’d walked through last night, and gathered whatever sustenance might help you make it to lunch. Most importantly, you filled a delicate mug with piping hot caf and carried everything into an adjoining room.

No lights were on, only the rising dawn filtering through thin veils of curtains, and Talia sat at the very end of the otherwise empty, centered table. She was dressed, but looked disheveled, at least for her typical put-together appearance. She wasn’t working alongside you, you knew – your assignment at Canto Bight’s medbay purely aimed at incriminating you – but it was still nice to have a friend, one who was under the same roof and not acting strangely.

Her hands were clamped onto either side of her head and there was a plate of picked-at food pushed to the side, a glass of water placed before her sunken head.

“Hey, Tal,” you started, noting her subtle jump at your voice. When she gave a subtle wave, you took a seat next to her and asked, however redundant, “How’re you feeling this morning?”

A long sigh, fingers comforting her temples. “Do I look that bad?”

A pause, considering. She looked quite pale, but there was no sheen of sweat over her forehead. She was breathing a bit quickly, and her mouth appeared to be parted, like she could be sick at any second. “Well, you’ve looked better, but I’ve seen you at your worst.” A look around the room, tuning your ears to the clang of the kitchen. “Is it nausea?” you whispered.

“Stars,” she winced, more in theatrics than pain, “I’ve spent more time over a toilet than anywhere else since the beginning of this thing.”

You chewed at a fruit you’d never had before, swallowing before saying, “Is it just in the morning or is it all day?”

“Morning sickness is a cruel lie they tell unsuspecting women,” she cleared her throat, finally peering up to you. “At least that’s what I have concluded.”

“Did you sleep last night?” There were purple splotches under her reddened eyes.

A shy smile slipped onto her face, quickly faltering. “I could have gotten more.”

Your brows raised, realizing Talia had a similar night to your own. “Oh?” you hummed.

“A private half of this villa?” she lowered her voice, swallowing, looking to the arch that peered out of the room, “and then adjoined rooms? It’s like they want us to have affairs with our assignments.”

“Well,” you sighed, recounting your night and morning, “perhaps. If that’s the case, can I assume where you slept last night?”

She loosed a breath of amusement. “Shockingly, no.” She shook her head, closing her eyes again before explaining, “I haven’t told him. Yet. Still. I stayed with him until he fell asleep but made it back to my room before I could hurl up everything I’d eaten yesterday.” A small, bitter laugh. “Do you know how impossible it is to throw up quietly?”

A warm sip of caf and you tapped her wrist, earning her attention back. Eyes filled with concern, you asked, quieter than the distant shore, “Are you afraid to tell him?”

“I’ve tried,” she sighed, completely exasperated, “This past week I have had so many opportunities – traveling here, the last few days on the Finalizer… last night.” Talia ran her finger along the rim of her glass. “I want to tell him. I need to, if I’m being honest. Time sensitive issue and everything.”

“Has he suspected anything, or do you know?”

A gloom shrunk her features, her focus shifting to the window behind your shoulder. “I think that’s why I haven’t told him. Armitage is always busy, running off to this place and that. I love the time I spend with him, I do. But, his lifestyle isn’t necessarily… compatible, I guess. Not with a baby. Not with, not with a partner. Not with me.”

“Oh, Talia.”

“No, I’m okay,” she shrugged, sad eyes going back to her glass, “I think I’m just biding my time. Preparing for the worst.”

“And what would the worst be, here?”

The room went silent, still, a few staff members replacing what you’d picked from the trays. For a few minutes there was only the sound of far-away waves and the kitchen’s relentless clattering, but Talia cleared the silence with a drag of breath. “The worst would be me telling him, him not wanting anything to do with me or my situation, being removed from his service and out of a job, publicly disgraced and shamed for carrying the General’s bastard kid, and just wholly ruined socially, occupationally, and personally.” There was quiet fear clawing at her eyes, but she forced a pleading smile.

“Wow,” you breathed, cutting through the intense moment, “it’s almost like you’ve thought about it before.”

A pitiful laugh. “Yeah, just a little.”

“Well, there’s always the alternative,” you shrugged. “Maybe none of that scary stuff will happen. Maybe Hux will embrace it. Embrace you and your situation. Because it isn’t just yours, Talia,” she considered your next words before you said, “it’s his, too.” You clasped her hand, trying to get across that she could come to you whenever she needed. “When you’re ready, or at least before you’re in labor,” you shared a laugh, “tell him. I think… I think people can surprise you if you let them. Maybe Hux will do just that.”

The pact that bound you seemed to glow, such gratefulness in her expression. She smiled and slipped her hand from yours, sipped from her glass and shook her head. “Well, now that you’ve bandaged my crisis, how are you doing? Only a couple days before everything gets real.”

Though you knew it was true, you’d barely considered the trial. Aside from Karmen’s rundown yesterday, you’d spent most of your time preparing for your shift, worrying about Mason, and cooped up with Kylo Ren. So maybe it would all feel real when you got there, but as of right now you’d scarcely thought of it.

“I think I’m doing better than I should be,” you sighed, nibbling a piece of toast. “Like you said, this place is rather extravagant, and then this whole city is unbelievable. I don’t know, maybe I’m just avoiding thinking about it. And, like you, I’m preparing for the worst.”

A glum smile hardly met her eyes. “Your worst is far worse than mine. I can’t even imagine.”

“You and Mason both, I guess. Although, you’re not as cryptic with it as he’s been.”

“Trouble in paradise?” She notched a brow.

You breathed a giggle, remembering you needed to clarify, “Just trouble, no paradise. Mason and I aren’t together.”

Talia was completely taken aback, no hiding her shocked expression. “Oh. I mean, I just assumed… Are you sure? Does he know you aren’t together?”

“I’d assume so,” her tone made you wary, not sure what was so obvious.

“I’m sorry, I really just thought since seeing him in the medbay so often that you two were a thing. Like, a serious thing.”

“We’re not,” your tone was short, but you breathed before saying, “I’m seeing him tomorrow. I need- ah, ah, fu-,”

That buzzing Force claimed your cunt, drilling both sweet spots and making it impossible to breathe. After a few seconds, its presence – its master – merciless, you crossed your legs and knitted your hands together in your lap, coughing to try and hide the sensation’s vision-blurring effects.

Talia was stunned, but before she could ask, you continued, “I’m see-seeing Mason tomorr-ow, and ha! Wow, and,” it felt like Kylo was thrusting inside of you, your toes curled in your shoes. “And grabbing some clothes for the trial. He also said he wants to ta- oh, okay.” You stomped both your feet to the floor, leaning down to the table and chugging the rest of your coffee.

“Are you alright?” Talia leaned forward, but you waved a hand in dismissal.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. So clothes and then Mason wants to talk!” You stumbled away from her and tried to keep from cursing Kylo Ren outwardly, a few shouts of goodbye falling behind when you eventually got out into the main halls of the manor.

The pulse between your legs finally let up, and you had half a mind to tromp back to his room and knee him where it’d hurt, but there were five minutes before transport would arrive, so you decided it would need to wait for a later date.

“If you can hear this,” you hissed, searching the halls for onlookers, “I’m going to-,” a swirl of pressure laved your sensitive bud, sending you tripping into the foyer. “Kylo.” It let up again. He let up. Maybe you would have tried another retort, but the grand entrance slid open, and at the bottom of the dawn-draped stairs awaited CB-7070.

She had a hand clasped to her wrist, not a blaster in sight, and her face remained hidden by a white helmet. The gold band over her right wrist shimmering with the sliver of sunlight to your left. Consciously, you half-circled her, wariness creeping along your veins. Nothing she had done, but… for a second you dropped your eyes to that familiar break in her uniform. You swallowed when you looked back to her visor, not offering a smile, and keeping at least three paces away at all times.

“Morning,” she muffled out your last name, pivoting to face you. When she took a step forward, you tried not to, but you backed away in suit. She stopped her advance.

Without a word, you nodded, pushing your hands into your pockets.

CB-7070 cleared her throat. “I’ve been informed by Commander Ren that you can assign me a name if you choose.”

“No,” you said, too quickly. “No, that won’t be necessary. CB-7070 is fine. We won’t know each other long.”

“Understood, ma’am.”

“Use my first name,” you commanded, running a finger along your uniform’s embroidery.

“Understood,” this time she used your own name – no titles, no pleasantries.

With only two minutes before transport, you said, “You’re aware you will not be in any of my patients’ rooms, correct?”

“I have been briefed on Cantonica’s privacy laws, yes.”

You peered side-long at her. “Good.”

When she spoke your name, there was a measure of nerves you couldn’t help but notice. “Is there anything you need from me that will make this arrangement easier for you?”

There was little time to think, but something in your head was screaming to request the one thing you felt would minimize the pit of dread rooting in your gut.

Plainly, facing her, arms crossed, you said, “Show me your face.”

Without hesitation, the stormtrooper unlatched and removed her helmet. She was dark-skinned, full lips and deep brown eyes inherent of the desert around her, genetic protection from the lifelong sun on this planet. Dark brunette curls were smoothed to her scalp, twisted into a tight bun at its base. Her face was round, and with the slight smile she gave, her cheeks crinkled a pair of gentle eyes. So young. Too young.

“How old are you?” There was a harshness in your words, not entirely intentional.

CB-7070 did pause at that. After squaring her shoulders she said, “Eighteen. Nineteen soon.” Her voice was kind, warm.

“I don’t need you to prove yourself,” you guessed as much at her posture, “I can assume if you’re here, at this… place-,”

“The Consulate.”

Consulate. “Thank you,” you continued. “Since you’re stationed at the Consulate, I can assume you’ve already done enough grunt work,” those early weeks, before Kylo Ren, flashed in your mind’s eye, dehydrated soldiers, strung out in preparation for the attack on the Republic. Sighing, watching the sky for any incoming ships, you took one step toward her. “No, I don’t need you to prove yourself. But I do need you to have my back.”

She stood even straighter at that.

“I know you’re assigned to watch me and report to the General, and I’ll just say right now that neither of us is the other’s favorite person. But I am not your enemy. I’m not an enemy.”

She looked at you, hearing the approaching ship, and just before it sped too close to blast your hearing, the young Stormtrooper nodded and said, “I was briefed on your case. You are not an enemy. You saved that man, an engineer. One of many who normally go unseen and unnoticed. I will do my job, but I am not biased to you or my General.” She angled her eyes to the sky and tucked her head back into the helmet. “As much as my assignment is to monitor you, I have been trained to protect the officers and officials of the First Order. And given you kept the Commander alive after Starkiller went down – you are one of the most important officers I’ve been tasked with.”

You hadn’t known that was general knowledge, her admission striking through every chamber of your heart. The memory of that day. People had seen such a different side of it, they’d seen you protect and serve when minutes prior you were begging for death in the dark of your residence. The day you could have used a savior, others had painted you as their own.

CB-7070 marched to the transport’s descended ramp and faced you. “Ready when you are.”

With a straight back, hands smoothing over your uniform, you approached the ramp, waiting for CB-7070 to follow behind. She stood next to you, but before you took a step further, you turned to the Consulate, and then to the sea that spanned beside and behind it, and you quieted all that Canto Bight had already presented.

Today was not about Snoke, or Mason, or Kylo. Today was about you and your patients, whoever they would be. Today you were not Commander Ren’s Care Provider.

Today you would be a nurse, and that meant more than anything.

[keytomythoughts]

Perfection Imperfections | Chapter 1

Chapter Index 

»»—————————————-　

Finally, summer break. It’s been a while since I was able to go home. Having to attend high school rather far from my home in Seoul, I never thought that I’d adjust to the new environment. Fortunately, I wasn’t entirely alone, since I stayed with my aunt for the four years of my high school life. School wasn’t so bad, but the homesickness is what killed it for me. Even though it was my parents' idea to send me a rather vast distance—me not being too excited about it, but I knew I wouldn’t get my way in the end—there was some good that came from it. The two only good things, actually. 

I glance outside the train window, the buildings of Busan zooming past me. Sure, it may not be my home, but I won’t lie. I’m really going to miss this place. My phone suddenly vibrates in my lap, glancing down to see a text from my group chat, smiling as I respond.

(Binnie)

R u still on the train?

                                                               Yeah have been for the past like 30 mins

(Eunuwu) 

Going back to ur parents? Or r u moving out?

                                                                                                                      Funny

                                                                        Yk I can’t move out, at least not on                                                                            my own. My parents won’t allow it

(Binnie)

:/

What about Jaehyun?

                                                                            Idk, they rlly dc what he does tbh

                                                                       They’re just hell-bent on me getting                                                                                    into the top schools and shit

(Eunuwu)

Damn, rough

                                                                                                                        Mhm

(Binnie)

Try talking to them, u never know

They might change their minds?

                                                                 Nah, I already know how it’s gonna end

                                                                         Me crying and stuffing myself with                                                                           pints of ice cream

(Eunuwu)

Doesn't sound so bad

(Binnie)

¬_¬

(Eunuwu)

Except for the crying part ofc

But c’mon it cant really be THAT bad

I’ve been over plenty of times, they seem nice

(Binnie)

U’ve been to her house??

                                                                         Yeah him and oppa are friends too

(Binnie)

Righttt forgot lol

                                                                  And that’s bc you were there dumbass                                                                    and half of the time ur either in oppa’s                                                                    room or out somewhere

                                                                  Interaction with my parents = minimal

(Binnie)

That sounds awful ngl :( sorry Hyuna

But hey we should all hang soon!

(Eunuwu)

I’ll be in Seoul for the summer too so y not?

                                                                                                           I miss y’all :’(

                                                                   Ok I should be there around like 5 ish                                                                     so I’ll text then

(Binnie)

Aww I miss u toooo 

(Eunuwu)

*puke*

                                                                                           Shut up, ur just jealous

(Eunuwu)

Me? Jealous?? Of what, ur face?

Yea no thx, Ive got a great face already

And personality 0:)

                                                                               Gr8, explains why ur still single

(Binnie)

LOLL

She got u there bro

(Eunuwu)

Shut up

Ur talking as if u’ve got a gf

Idiot

(Binnie)

At least I didnt reject them as coldly as u did lol 

                                                                                             See? My point exactly

                                                                               Your fAcE scared off every girl                                                                                   in sight bc of tht pErSoNaLiTy

                                                                           I almost feel bad for them, u little                                                                             heart breaker

(Binnie)

He made a couple of em cry I heard

                                                                                                                     Rlly?!?

                                                                                                                         YAH

                                                                                                               U MORON

(Eunuwu)

Bin wtf

(Binnie)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

                                                                                    U JERK HOW COULD U??

                                                                                              Those poor girls omg

                                                                               Im so kicking ur ass when I c u

(Binnie)

Me 2

(Eunuwu)

Wtf?? Y???

(Binnie)

No reason lol, just feel like it

                                                                                         And this is why ily Binnie

(Binnie)

:D <3

(Eunuwu)

GROSS

                                                                                                        Can it u demon

                                                                                                         Read 4:02 PM

I snort, turning off my phone and placing it back down on my lap as I go back to staring outside my left-hand window again. Meet Cha Eunwoo and Moon Bin, my two best friends. The only reason I got through high school how I did without major setbacks. Sure, there was the occasional homesickness and all, but had I not met these two, I probably wouldn’t have even attended and graduated. 

Being so far away from the place I grew up never really suited me, and they saw it right away from day one how lonely and upset I looked. I didn't seem to fit in, especially since I skipped a grade and was placed in classes that were very advanced for me. Not that I minded the vigor, but it was hard for me to socialize, let alone make friends. 

That’s when I met them. Freshman year in homeroom before my first literature class. Moon Bin, a boy with parted, coppery-golden hair accompanied by his shy, puppy-eye smile and sweet nature, offered me an empty seat next to him in class, even going as far as to share his textbook and asking how I found the school. No doubt, I was embarrassed and immensely shy, stuttering over my words and failing to meet his soft gaze. However, he didn’t make fun of me nor find me odd. All he did was smile, laughing lightly at my slightly flustered state. He stuck his hand out, introducing himself (most people just call him Moonbin or Bin) with that smile of his, thus the start of our new friendship. Since then, he became someone who always knew how to cheer me up when I was feeling down. No moment was ever dull with him by my side. 

Eunwoo, the tall, brooding black-haired and charismatic student almost everyone knew (and crushed on) of, was usually with Moonbin when we hung out together, but he normally kept to himself. Though quiet and sometimes reserved with his intimidating looks, it didn’t take long for him to break the ice with us, the three of us becoming close friends. Promising to stay like this until we went to college and beyond. Regardless if we all diverge and tread different paths, we would always converge and come back to one another. 

Four years flew by and graduation was upon us. Just like that, the two became like family to me, my ride-or-die duo. The two who were able to turn my world upside down, finding solace in a time where I thought it was nearly impossible for me to.  

My thoughts are interrupted by my “Move” ringtone—yes, I’m a huge Lee Taemin fan—looking down at my phone again to see it’s my brother calling. I sigh, picking up the call.

“What?” 

He gasps dramatically. “Is that any way to address your loving older brother after being away for so long?”

I snort, shaking my head. “Loving my ass, oppa. How are mom and dad?”

“They’re fine, living. Didn’t you tell them you’re coming home?”

“Nope, I don’t even text them that often. You already know this..”

He sighs. “Yeah, I figured.” 

There’s a slight pause on his end, but he continues. “You took the three-thirty train, right? So you’ll be here around five or so?”

“Yeah, give or take.” 

I look out the window again to see the endless stretch of greenery and flowing springs, sometimes even children playing in the fields. I grin mischievously, deciding to poke fun at my brother when he doesn’t respond right away. 

“What, you miss me?”

He makes a sound similar to throwing up. “As if. I got so used to the peace and quiet. I’m not ready for it to go away.” 

“Yah!” I realize that I had yelled a bit too loudly and eyes were now trained on me, and I bow my head in apology. I lower my voice, “You’re such an asshole.”

“Oh, I know, but you still love me anyway.”

“Shut up.”

I can hear his laugh resonate through the phone and a smile unknowingly tugs at my lips. I wouldn’t say it out loud, but it’s true. When I lived with my aunt in Busan for the duration of high school, I missed Jaehyun a lot. Though two years older than me, he didn’t seem to alienate me the way my parents do. While I hate the notion that they spoil Jaehyun endlessly and let him do as he wishes, I won’t lie and say that he was a prick about it. He could’ve been, but he never came off as selfish. I’m really close with my brother, shocking as it may be. Sibling relationships are like that—one minute you want to strangle them with their intestines and the next you’re singing duets together. Crazy, but that’s how it is for us. My parents don’t really pay me any attention, so Jaehyun decides to do that instead. Not complaining though. I’d rather take his pranking and teasing over my parents’ demands and reprimands any day.

“Aight, I’m heading out for a bit. Text me when you arrive.”

I smile again. “Will do, but make sure to get me food!”

“Let me think…” He hums, and I can practically sense the smirk on his end. “Nope. Get your own.”

“Oppa!”

Jaehyun laughs. “See you in a bit, Hyuna. Get here safely. Bye!”   

He hangs up the call before I get a chance to retort, and I scoff. Typical of my brother. He knows how much I enjoy street food, and every time he goes out, it’s almost certain that most of the time he stops somewhere to eat. Did he ever bring food back? Sure, but by the time I’d get to it, most of it was gone anyways. That only lasted a little while before I had gone upstate anyways, so he had more food for himself, I guess.

As the train barrels down the tracks, I feel my heart racing in excitement, but there’s also a slight ounce of dread. I really don’t know why. I want to believe it’s because I’ve been away for too long, but part of me knows it’s the fact that I’ll have to face my parents again. Knowing that I only have two months to decide where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, I know the bitter truth is that those decisions won’t be left up to me. Last time, I was sent to Busan.

God knows where I’d be sent to now.

***

“Final destination of the KTX Busan-Seoul train at Seoul Station is approaching and will arrive at 05:30 PM. The doors to alight are on the right hand side. All passengers are requested to dismount the train upon arrival. Thank you.” 

That’s my stop.

Gathering my bag and hand luggage, I patiently wait for the train to pull up at the station. Seeing the familiar shops and buildings around me makes my legs bounce up and down in both excitement and anticipation. 

Four long years away from Seoul...

Before getting off, I quickly text the group chat and then my brother, letting them all know that I’ve reached safely. Side-stepping the other passengers exiting the subway doors, I carefully land onto the platform with my luggage in tow. I breathe in the air around as I stretch my arms up into the sky, the grin widening on my face.

It sure as hell feels good to be back home.

I try my best to maneuver through the crowds, but it doesn’t stop the rush of people knocking into me. At times like these, I curse my genetics for favoring my older brother instead of me in terms of height. Eventually, I come to a clearing and when my eyes glance upwards, I spot a rather familiar dark brown-haired six-foot-tall male amongst the small crowd waving me over.

“Hyuna, over here!”

I gasp, my eyes widening. “Oppa!”

He smiles as I begin walking towards him, my feet hurriedly moving across the concrete. The distance between us shortens and I abandon my luggage as he opens his arms wide. 

Only for me to sucker punch him in the stomach.

He yelps in pain, grimacing as he holds his abdomen. “Shit, that hurt. What has Aunt Sua been feeding you up there? Rocks?”

I smack his shoulder, my blood slightly boiling in anger. “Yah, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?! Do you know how much money I blew off for the bus fare?”

He straightens his back before going to rub his shoulder, then behind his neck.

“Fine, fine. My bad. I wanted to surprise you, but I guess that didn’t work, did it?” 

I cross my arms over my chest, huffing in annoyance. He sighs, nodding.

“Okay, okay, I’ll compensate you. Dinner’s on me.”

At this I grin, blinking excitedly. I grab onto his arm and shake it vigorously. “Really? You mean it? You’re the best, oppa!” 

“Look at this brat..” he taunts, shaking his head. In a flash, he headlocks me and rubs the top of my head harshly with his knuckles, upsetting the neatly-tied auburn ponytail. 

“Yah! Quit it!” I smack his arms and flail in protest, but he chuckles, saying this is what I get for cunningly finding a way to exploit him the minute I stepped back into Seoul. 

What can I say? It’s a talent. 

He lets go eventually, and I try to smooth down my already-tangled hair. I grumble incoherently but Jaehyun pulls me into his embrace, wrapping his arms around me. His free hand gently pats the side of my head in comfort.

“Welcome home, sis.”

I stand there stiff for a second before hugging back. He squeezes me tighter and I find myself smiling into his shoulder. 

“Good to be back,” I whisper. 

We stand like that for a moment before he pats my back a couple of times, us pulling away from each other soon after. He reaches behind me to grab my hand luggage as he shoulders my bag. I tell him that I can carry them just fine, but he starts walking away from the platform to the parking lot. I call out after him as I run to catch up, and I can see the corners of his mouth twitch. Jaehyun leads me to his car, a sleek matte-silver convertible Mustang. My mouth drops open in shock at its stunning beauty, my body forcing itself to remain composed for the sake of avoiding public self-embarrassment. 

He throws my luggage in the back seat before he turns to me, smirking at my expression. “You like it?”

“Shit, do I like it? I love it!” I run my fingers over its metallic surface, the silver exterior gleaming in the evening glow. Grinning, I stare up at my brother who catches my gaze as I stand next to the driver’s seat, my fingers already curled on the handle.

“Can I—”

“No.”

“Please—”

“Nope.”

I pout as I pull my hand away and step to the side. Jaehyun chuckles, rubbing my head playfully before getting into the driver’s seat and starting the car. The engine purrs to life as my brother pulls out his shades and wears them. He looks at me and cocks his head to the passenger seat. 

“Don’t just stand there. Get in.”

Smiling, I quickly make my way over to the other side and slip into the passenger seat. I barely have time to buckle in before Jaehyun speeds off. I scream in fright, but he laughs heartily, telling me to let loose.

With the wind harshly whipping around us, I close my eyes and tilt my head upwards, absorbing the remnants of my childhood in a place I’ll always call home. A place where my heart always feels at ease.

My name is Jung Hyuna. I’m eighteen years old, and this is my story.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 |