#ive been lacking the motivation lately :((((

[bones-n-bookles]

Cave Bean for @losech 💜

[leejungchans]

peeks in hi

[bigshoeswamp]

life’s been feeling a lot like just waiting these days

[young-botanical-genius]

just letting everyone know that my activity here may be limited for the next week or so bc i have a busy work schedule and i havent been doing too well mentally ;w;

[honeyskiies]

i think vro forgot about the blog again…

would u believe me if i said no.......

[twelvedinos]

Watching the fellowship of the ring while I work and now all I want to do is redraw scenes from the movie.

[seichv]

❛ WITH YOUR MOUTH.❜

clean up after yourself when you make a mess. 2.3k words.

contents: nsfw content (mdni), f!reader, daddy kink (mentioned like once), oral (both receiving), p in v, creampie, squirting, toji calls you: brat, sweetheart, slut, baby, etc.

note: i have risen from the dead friends ;D seriously though, its been a while since ive written... life's been wild of late and i was lacking motivation but im back on my zoom now hehe (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

you might have fucked up.

down spills the coffee that you chucked at toji, the brawny man standing motionless with a look of amusement as the hot liquid poured down his body, the sound of the cup tumbling onto the ground echoing in the kitchen. what exactly led to that? you may ask. quite frankly, you don’t even remember. it was likely another one of those days where you had a stick up your ass just because; with your bratty attitude leading you to get all pissy about every little thing.

and here you are, your pupils dilating as you freeze in place while watching toji’s expression. it remains indifferent for the most part, as you would expect from someone like him. that’s until his eyes trail back up to meet your face, and there’s something about his gaze that just shifts in a way. you’re gulping, your body stiffening in alarm. there’s a faint chuckle that escapes his lips before he speaks up with that gravelly voice of his. 

“c’mere.” he tells you. you know better than to disregard him, so you start stepping closer to him. though just because you’re listening to him doesn't mean you’ll do away with the bitter expression you got going on, as it's still very prominently plastered onto your face. and these steps youre taking, they’re slow as fuck. you’re definitely mistaken if you think that he’s got the patience for that shit right now.

because of that, in a blink of an eye you’ve got your throat seized by one of his meaty hands, yanking you closer and forcing you to maintain eye contact. his figure looms over yours, and you can almost see some veins seeping through his neck. “you just had to pull that shit on me, huh?” you could practically just say that he’s spitting venom with the way he's speaking. you narrowed your eyes, sucking in a sharp breath before speaking. “well, had you not been a total jackass—” 

“yeah?” toji cuts you off, his face lowering some more as his head tilts to the side, giving your throat a little squeeze. you've got some real nerve with the back-talk, and he really isn't in the mood for tolerating that shit anymore. he looks down at his drenched, coffee-stained shirt, his tongue poking out to lick the scar at the corner of his mouth before he lets out a deep, exasperated sigh.

“clean up the motherfucking mess you made,” he says. now, that would initially give you the thought of wiping the ground with a towel or mop, and maybe doing him the favor of throwing his shirt in the laundry, right? 

“with your mouth.”

… wait, what?

your eyes go wide, and you're glaring up at the man like he’s got 10 heads. he doesn't look like he's joking, really. and that’s because he’s not. it takes you a hot minute before you could get words out of your mouth. “... huh? the fuck is wrong with you? clean the damn floor with my mouth?! what’s that supposed to mean, you gross bastard—”

“to hell with the fucking floor.” he interrupts. “i didn’t say nothin’ bout the floor, dumb brat.” toji adds, his fingers trailing up toward your jaw, taking your face in his hand as he turned it side to side as he spoke, as if he were trying to get your attention. i mean, there's only one other mess other than the one on the floor. the mess on him. before you could open your mouth to muster up a response, toji speaks again. “tch, yeah. keep staring at me like a dumb little girl,” your body temperature begins to soar with his words. “take off my shirt.”

you honestly cannot believe this man. you blink rapidly with furrowed eyebrows, stuttering like a broken record. “toji, what are you even going on about right now—” 

“nah, sweetheart. don’t give me that crap.” what is this, the 1000th fucking time this man has interrupted you? goddamnit. “take. off. the. shirt.” toji repeats himself, putting emphasis on each word like he’s talking to a complete moron. you started chuckling to yourself in disbelief, shaking your head with a look on your face that read, ‘he’s got to be kidding.’

“yeah, no. toji, give me a fucking break.” you responded, snickering between your words, and ooh toji was just itching to bend you over the damn counter and fuck you till you’re screaming… to get those vocal cords to rupture. there will never be a single day where he’d hesitate to get you to straighten the fuck up.

before you know it, both of toji’s hands grab your wrists, almost painfully. he then starts walking, backing you up to the kitchen counter. once he’s got you pushed up against it, he pulls your hands onto his abdomen, staring dangerously into your eyes.

though you wouldn't want to admit it, you can’t help but feel a growing ache between your legs at the feeling of those shredded abs of his. his body is something different. toji’s eyes flicker up and down from your hands and back to your eyes, a smug grin laying across his face at how small your hands are on his big, muscular body. you take your bottom lip between your teeth, your tough and bratty facade slowly diminishing as you leisurely began lifting toji’s shirt, a satisfied hum escaping his lips at your compliance; though it took rather longer than he wanted.

you now have got quite the nice look at his abs, and there goes the throbbing sensation again in your cunt. fuck… he’s hot. “yeahh, now you got that mouth shut, huh? drooling and gawking over my body. hah, go on then.” toji boasts, his teeth showing through that damn smirk. you’re unable to hold it in any longer, your hands dragging toji’s shirt up as he pulls his head out, letting the fabric drop to the ground with your stomach churning at the sight of his bare upper body. you quickly kneeled, your composure flying right out the window. 

your mouth latches onto his lower stomach, your tongue roaming along his skin. if your eyes peered a bit lower, you’d be able to get a peek at the growing bulge in toji’s sweats. you can hear slightly muted curses coming from under his breath, and you were being sloppy with it, your lashes batting as you looked up at him. your tongue started traveling upward, just barely reaching his chest until a grunt-like huff is let out from toji.

he now pulls you off by the hair, coaxing a small gasp for your lips. “fuck .. you’re putting that slutty mouth on my cock now.” he mutters, reaching for his pants before you take care of them for him, eagerly dragging them down along with his boxers, his girthy length springing right out.

without another second to waste, your tongue lolls out, one of your hands wrapped around the base of his dick while you slapped the tip on your wet muscle, drawing a throaty grunt from him. he loved it when you put on a show for him like that. you then take him all the way in, a nasty moan slipping from your throat at the way his big cock had given you a whole mouthful. saliva drips down from your lips, and you begin bobbing your head up and down, the lewd noises blaring in your ears. 

“shiiit… look at you. fuckin’ pacified by this dick, huh?” his voice is gruff yet slightly shaky, and god… you’re obsessed with hearing his noises, how you make him feel. “one minute she’s yappin’ like a bitchy little brat, next minute she’s mmf— taking this dick down her throat like a dirty slut... tch.” his words had your pussy leaking, you can feel your panties beginning to soak. your eyebrows curled inward as you kept your eyes on him, tears threatening to prickle at the corners of your eyes from how full he was stuffing your mouth, hitting your uvula.

in the middle of sucking him off, you pulled up your shirt with one hand, just enough for your tits to show out. now both your hands begin to fondle with your tits as you continue to suck him off, and this draws a long ass moan from toji, watching you slobber on him with no hands had him fucked. you can see how his lower abdomen was caving in with each breath he took, and that's when he takes a hold of your jaw, pulling you off of him, your lips sliding off with a pop. you had him on the brink of cumming, and he didn't want to just yet. he needed your pretty pussy.

you lick your lips with a smile, standing up on your feet as toji hoists you up by the waist, propping you up onto the counter. he hauls your shorts down in an instant, a string of your slick following your panties and toji sneers at the sight. “pretty pussy’s all wet f’me, hm?” you nod eagerly, and he slides a thumb down your clit, causing your hips to jerk, which has him chuckling to himself yet again. “mhmm… relax yourself, needy girl.” 

toji hikes your legs up, your hands hooking beneath your knees so you could hold them up for him. he gets between your legs, blowing on your clit and prompting you to clench around nothing. “tojiii…” you drag his name out in a whine, before toji kisses on your pussy.

“didn’t i tell you to relax? don’t fuckin’ ‘tojiii~’ me.” he mocks, finally diving in to your heat, his tongue delving right between your folds. your head immediately falls back, your lips parting open while lewd little mewls flee from your lips. he’s a messy eater, a mixture of your arousal and his saliva smearing all over your pussy lips and drizzling down his chin. it’s slurp after slurp, your body twitching with no stop, your eyes rolled back to your skull with your toes curling. “ohh, fuuck… toji–!” you croak out, your thighs shaking as you start to fail to hold your legs up, his mouth had you stupid already. as he notices this, he holds them for you with force, but throws him over his shoulders.

 because now he's standing again, spitting on your cunt one last time before he does so. “keep those eyes on me when i fuck this pussy, you hear me?” toji says, and you quickly nod in abidance. 

he’s so fucking girthy, his thick length stretching you like elastic. his veined hands grasp at your waist, his hips starting to snap into yours at a steady pace. he’s reaching deep, hitting all the right spots inside you that triggered the sluttiest moans from you, your back arching as your walls clamp down on him. “only now you wanna get your shit together, hmm? only when i stuff you full of this dick?” he grunts, the sounds of your skin slapping blasting all throughout the place. “mngh–! y-yeah… feels so g-good…!” you blabber, the tears you had poking through your eyes were now starting to blur your vision. his cock was just made to fuck you, he felt so damn good.

“h-hah… that’s what i thought.” he grumbles, the pace of his thrusts immediately escalating. now the next thing he does drives you fucking mad. he grabs your arms, pulling them up so that they’re around your neck. he then snakes his hands beneath your legs and now has them over his forearms, letting your feet dangle. he’s got you off the counter, and starts fucking you standing, picked up in his arms. a squeal breaks loose from your mouth, your arms clinging around his neck for dear life. “oh m’god, yes–! ‘m cumming, d-daddy!” you cry out, your body going limp like a ragdoll, like a toy just for toji to fuck relentlessly. 

you can feel that coil in your lower stomach that's just mere seconds away from snapping. and he does this thing when he’s close, his jaw clenches and you can see how the veins in his neck contract. that gives you the sign to clench around him even harder, a loud groan breaking out his throat.

“fuckin’ milking my shit when you s-squeeze me like that… holy fuckkk, baby—” toji’s breathing is uneven, coming out in raspy huffs. and it's only a matter of time before you let out your final moan, a real salacious one at that. you shook violently, gasping for air as you squirted all over him, your orgasm hitting you like a damn bus.

toji’s jaw goes slack, his head falling back as he chases his own high, still ramming into you despite you being fucking gone. tears start to spill from your eyes from the overstimulation, your eyes barely even able to stay open properly. 

his load finally spills into your cunt, coming in thick, hot spurts. he twitches inside you, before placing you back down onto the counter and pulling out slowly, his cum oozing from your hole. he steps forward and cups your face, pressing a kiss on your nose before letting his forehead rest atop yours. “you alright, pretty?” he murmurs, and you look up into his eyes, nodding slowly with a soft smile. he grins, wiping the tears that stained your supple cheeks with his thumb.

“you did real good f’me, baby.” he murmurs, his words going straight to your core, fluttering in your stomach. he then catches your eyes wandering away, staying on the ground. he then turns to look as well, and his eyes fall upon the absolute mess made of the floor. it was the coffee you had threw at him, now mixed with your squirt. oh, fucking hell.

“... well, good luck with that, sweetheart.” toji says, laughing to himself as you land a smack to his arm.

“oh, fuck you toji!”

[0cta9on]

Today

Length: 1.3k

Genre: Fluff

IVE Liz x Male Reader

(Author's Note: Motivation is hard to come by these days, I hope you can forgive my lack of frequent updates. For the sake of my mental health, please imagine that Liz's eyes are the slightest bit of gray, I swear they look gray but they could easily by colored contacts :> Enjoy <3)

【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★

It’s a Tuesday evening. Tuesdays always seemed like an awkward time of the week—way better than Mondays obviously, but still too far away from the weekend for any real excitement to build. The trees outside sway with the oncoming breeze, flecks of autumnal browns and golds dancing against the current before gently landing on the ground. The spontaneity of their movements reminds you of a certain someone that’s running a couple minutes late.

You take another sip of your coffee, warming and pleasant, as your gaze stays glued to the windowpane of the cafe, scanning each passing visage for a semblance of familiarity. You never had this habit before knowing her. In a past life, you kept your head down, too sheepish to look most people in the eye. Yet now, you're actively searching for the eyes of strangers, waiting until you see that glimpse of gray like the sky before a storm.

It’s a little creepy, you admit, but a billion weird glances are worth it for that split second where your eyes meet and you feel light as a feather, like the autumn breeze could carry you away with the leaves.

Across the street, the crowd splits like curtains at the start of the play to reveal the star of the show—Liz, weaving through the crowd and wearing that same apologetic look that’s become an unofficial symbol for the start of your meetings.

“I’m so sorry for being late!” she says, her voice ringing alongside the jingle of the cafe’s door.

“It’s okay,” you chuckle. “I haven’t been waiting long.”

“Still,” she removes her scarf and drapes it against her chair, the same cyan checkered scarf you bought her last year after she lost her old one, “This is, like, the millionth time I’ve been late, I feel awful about it!”

Liz rests her head against the table in defeat and you fight every urge to pat her head and comfort her.

“It’s really okay, I swear. I don’t mind waiting a little longer for you,” you say.

A smile dances across her lips, and suddenly you’re floating. “You’re so sweet, you know that?”

Your heart pounds against the confines of your rib cage like a lovesick prisoner begging to be set free. You’ve always wondered how someone like her can exist on this planet. Someone so charming, so beautiful, so perfect in every way that her only flaw is her lack of time management. Irises like raging storm clouds, paired with the personality of a calm evening in the shade. The angle of her smile, the dimples that adorn her cheeks, the luscious waves of her hair—

“Hello?” Liz waves a hand in front of your face, bringing you back down to Earth. “Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah, yeah, sorry, I just, um… Anyways…” Timidly, you rummage through your backpack for the reason why you invited her here in the first place, taking a little extra time to calm your nerves. “H-here,” you mutter, producing a fairly hefty box from your bag.

“Ooooooh!” Her eyes excitedly glean over its matte finish. “Are these the noise-canceling headphones you were talking about yesterday?”

“Yeah, I was wondering if you could help me test them out,” you explain.

“Of course!” With an eager grin, Liz takes out the headphones and places them on her head. “Ready when you are!” she exclaims, flashing you a thumbs up.

Liz has this super power of somehow making even the most mundane tasks feel like you’re having the time of your life. As you fiddle with the bluetooth settings on your phone, you forget that it’s just another Tuesday, you forget about the countless pairs of eyes you scanned through earlier just to find hers, you forgot about the fact that you don’t actually need these headphones and only bought them as an excuse to spend time with her.

“There we go,” you say as you press play on a song. Almost immediately, Liz starts to shimmy her arms in a goofy looking dance as she mumbles along to the lyrics. You don’t even try to hide the smirk on your face. “Can you hear me?”

“Huh?” she utters a little too loud.

Chuckling, you decide to see if the headphones are as good as advertised. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Uh, my mother is at home right now, probably watching a show or something.”

“When’s your birthday?”

“Earl grey? I don’t know, I’m not much of a tea drinker.”

You keel over with laughter from her nonsensical answers while she continues to dance on like no one is watching.

Then, an inkling of an idea slips into your mind. The smile on your face fades as that idea begins to form into something new—an opportunity. What was once glee is now replaced with an anxious excitement. Your heartbeat overpowers all the background noise and all you can focus on is the gray highlighting her eyes.

The calm before the storm.

“Liz, I…” you start, voice shaky and laced with apprehension. It’s not too late to turn back and forget about this. And yet, Liz’s lack of a reaction to your change in tone calms your nerves the slightest amount. You take a deep breath and continue going.

“…I, uh, need to tell you something important. It’s been on my mind for a long while. Like, a year at this point, and, uh…”

A choppy sigh empties from your lungs. There’s no going back after this. As the last bit of oxygen brushes past your lips, you take in another mouthful of air and clamp your eyes shut.

“I like you, Liz. As more than a friend. I really, really like you.”

As soon as those words leave your mouth, you collapse face first into the table like a rickety bridge finally crumbling underneath its own weight. You did it. Sure, she didn’t hear a thing, but you finally vocalized what you’ve been keeping inside and that’s good enough for you. Maybe one day, you’ll finally build up the courage to say it when she can actually hear you. Maybe.

The sound of plastic hitting the table jolts you back up. “Oh right, how was it?” you ask, unable to meet her eyes.

“They, uh… good,” she mutters, uncharacteristically quiet. “I-I mean, they work good.”

“G-good. That’s good.” You grab the headphones from the table and put them back into their box, making sure to unpair them from your—

Your eyes grow wide as you double and triple check your phone screen. The headphones are already unpaired.

Your mind starts to race with a million questions, but only one echoes in your head—How long were they unpaired?

You shoot your gaze back up to Liz, her once milky white cheeks now stained with a bright pink hue. Your mouth opens to say something, but nothing comes out. It’s too late. You know what that reaction means. And you know what’s gonna come next.

“I-I should go,” you stutter, clumsily throwing your belongings into your backpack. How could you have been so reckless? Why didn’t you double check before attempting something as idiotic as this? You’ll have to move cities now, fake your death, create a new life on an undocumented island in the middle of the Pacific—

“I like you too.”

Her voice sounds so sweet and harmonious, you wonder if all the adrenaline pumping through your system is giving you auditory hallucinations. You’ve imagined similar scenarios to these countless times before, but to hear her actually speak those words and mean them is a whole different experience.

The tidal wave of emotions washing over you renders you completely catatonic. So you sit. You let the feelings stew. You let the smile creep onto your face until your cheeks begin to ache. You let your eyes take nervous yet excited glances towards the girl sitting next to you, watching as she does the same. Those beautiful pearls of gray, gazing at you in a way that you’ve only seen in movies, TV shows, and your dreams.

Not so bad for a Tuesday.

[messymoonmad]

Just wanted to let yall know... that ive been spending my days on tumblr doing all these fun drawings but I gotta finish my stupid 600 strike animatic despite the lack of motivation (cause it's too late to do smth cool)

But also I should prepare my ithaka saga designs so when the saga drops imma be one of the first ones to animate hold them down or the king or the challenge (i havent watched all the snippets btw)

[memzyyy]

i demand more subby tom >:(

I AM SO SORRY THIS IS LATE AAAAA IVE IUST BEEN LACKING MOTIVATION:(

plots can suck my dick i hate them. i forgot how to write omg i need to start doing it again

@itsangelll 😋😋

NSFW DOWN BELOW

your boyfriend, Tom, is sprawled out infront of you, his legs spread as you rub his dick up and down your cunt, lathering the juices on his girthy cock as you began to tap his tip onto your wet pussy before finally taking his shaft.

you began jumping on his swollen cock while he’s holding onto the flesh of your hips, leaving crescent marks behind as he digs his nails into you “feels good...” he moaned out, helplessly try to muffle his noises but the way your bouncing on him, the skin of your ass slapping againdt him makes him sob in pleasure.

He whimpers, "Please, please, it's too much..." but his words trail off as he pulls you closer, burying his face in your cleavage to muffle his desperate moans.

“you can take it.” you spoke, your voice breathy. “youre gonna take this like a good boy.” His back arches off the bed as you continue to ride him hard, your nails digging into his chest. He can feel the pressure building, the warmth spreading through his belly. He's so close... His fingers dig deeper into your hips as he tries to hold back. His body tenses, and he lets out a muffled shout into your cleavage. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna..." you grip his chin, forcing him to look up at you. “hold it.” you say, continuing to fuck yourself on him.

His eyes widen, pleading, but you maintain eye contact. Beads of sweat form on his forehead as he grinds his teeth, trying to hold back. His body shakes, and he whimpers, "Please..” but you cut him off, “you can hold it.” Tom bites down on his bottom lip, his eyes watering from the effort as he manages to hold back from cumming. He lets out a whimper, his whole body trembling as you continue to ride him, the pleasure just on the edge, building up and building up. His fingers dig into your hips again as he tries to pull you closer. “Please…” he begs again. “Please let me…”

you look down at him, he was expecting you to deny him again but his eyes widen in shock as he heard the words come from your mouth; “cum for me.”

Upon hearing these words his face contorts as he finally lets go, burying his face in your cleavage once more to muffle his cries as he spills into you. His whole body convulses with each wave of pleasure, gripping onto you tightly. When he finally stills, he takes a few moments to catch his breath before speaking; “thank you thank you thank you.” You pull Tom close as you kiss away his tears.

im a bit rusty sorry if its bad 🥲 i hste this one

[ugly-pickle]

wait!- ☆ scara

CHARACTERS: idol!scara x gn!reader

SYNOPSIS: scara had always promised you that he will always love you and will always have time for you, but he never confirmed that hes a man of his word…

GENRE: angst 🦢 (comfort from another at the end)

W/C: 1.3k

C/W: cheating, moaning, hinting of intoxication, kissing, toxicity, and cussing (if theres anything that i missed let me know!)

A/N: a lot of people liked my previous post so it motivated me to make another! im still new at this so please keep that in mind if a few bits are off (IT’S REALLY REALLY REALLY CRINGY). most grammatical errors are also intentional!

your boyfriend, scara, has a performance today and youre really excited. you received flowers, theyre beautiful. maybe this is an apology for the lack of affection and being more grumpy towards you lately, i mean to be an idol certainly is tiring, isnt it? so it makes perfect sense why he’s acting like this… right?

as always, he gave you tickets to his concert. you couldnt get the chance to say goodbye to him because he left so early in the morning, so youll make it up to him when you meet him backstage.

you got dressed and headed out the door, youre excited to see your beloved scara preform, because he looked happy while doing his job, you were excited to see his smile because… well, he doesnt smile at you anymore… but you quickly brush it off, i mean, being an idol is very stressful.

youve arrived, you tried to enter backstage but some bodyguard stopped you, “hey! what do you think youre doing missy?” you sigh, he must be new, “scara is my lover, i just want to see him,” you try to explain but the bodyguard cuts you off and says “thats what they all say,” he rolls his eyes. “no! really, i am!” you show the bodyguard a picture of you and scara together kissing, “oh” the bodyguard grunts, “so youll let me in?” you look up at him, he looks a bit uncomfortable, “well uhm… ive been given specific orders to not let you in… im sorry,”

“w-what?...”

you heard him loud and clear, the world around you begins to spin, but you quickly ground yourself by comforting yourself with false hopes. maybe hes just planning a surprise for you back there, i mean, it might explain why you got flowers, yea! that must be the reason… you hope.

you found your spot, perfect timing too! the concert begins, you see scara. you melt when you see a smile on his lips, he looks so happy. the crowd screams, theyre chanting 5wirl (the name of their group). venti, xiao, kazuha, heizou, and scara is greeting the audience with warms smiles and kind words.

after a while, the performance ends, it was quite long actually, but it felt so short, time does fly when youre having fun. you head to the backstage doors, hoping that the bodyguard lets you in this time. as you make your way to the backstage doors you see scara’s back in your peripheral vision. hes in a secluded place, he looks like hes trying to be hidden from the crowd, makes sense. you decide to scare him, as you get closer you can see a beautiful lady’s lips pressed against scara’s. you hear the sounds of kissing and soft moaning coming from them.

your heart shatters into a million pieces, it broke so bad that you swore you heard it make a shattering sound. tears fall down your face, youre so stunned that you cant even form words, instead, a pathetic whimpering sound escapes your lips. scara turns around to see where the strange sound is coming from.

his eyes widen a bit, but he immediately regains his composure. “stop crying like a baby and get over it, youre just a nuisance in my life,” now scara was just stomping all over your already broken heart. these simple actions somehow drained all of your energy, just standing was exhausting, not wanting to waste time or energy you give him an “ok,” and you turn around and leave.

you arrive at your shared apartment and decide to eat and rest for a little, so when he comes back you can properly confront him. but, he comes back the next day, hes wasted and the smell of sex is clinging onto him. he walks past you and immediately collapses on the couch and knocks out cold.

when he finally wakes up, youre making dinner. he remembers the encounter from last night. his eyes wander, wanting to look at anything but you. something in the trashcan catches his eye, the flowers. theyre pretty but it didnt come from him.

youve finished cooking, you see scara sitting at the table. you sit down, and placed your meal in front of you and you start to eat. “…what about mine?” scara asks you with a quiet voice. “oh wow, youre initiating a conversation with the nuisance. well, if you must know, that having to take care of you is quite tiring and ive realized that youre quite troublesome and it would be better if you werent in my life. so, kunikuzushi, im breaking up with you.”

hes taken aback when you use his birth name, “h-hey y/n, i didnt mean what i said yesterday… i regret it, it was just the heat of the moment,” he says, his voice trembling a bit. you sigh, “that still doesnt change the fact that you cheated on me, pack your bags and leave, this is my apartment after all,”

his trembling demeanour quickly turned aggressive, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH LOVE AND TIME IVE SPENT ON YOU?” you scoff, “WHAT LOVE? WHAT TIME? SURE, YOUVE PROMISED ME THESE THINGS BUT HAVE YOU EVER FULFILLED IT? EVER SINCE YOU BECAME AN IDOL, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU CHANGED,”

the two of you are now yelling. “WELL, BEING AN IDOL IS TIRING, AND BEING BOUND TO ONLY YOU IS TIRING. ANEMO RESEMBLES FREEDOM, I CANT JUST BE BOUND TO YOU. A-AND SHE LOVES ME FOR WHO I AM” youre hurt, you stop yelling, “she loves you for who you are today, but will she when you have nothing?” “NO ONE LOVED ME WHEN I HAD NOTHING, WHEN I WAS NOTHING-“ “I FUCKING DID”

your voice begins to break, “i loved you when you had nothing, i was the one who helped you get back on your feet,” you sigh, hot tears now spilling down your face, “im gonna take a walk, and when i come back your things better be packed.” you leave the apartment, “you didnt even get to enjoy your meal,” he mumbles to himself. he begins to pack his things.

youre walking towards the park, youre tears making your cheeks glisten in the sunlight. you spot kazuha admiring the scenery, hes sitting down on a bench with a pen and notebook in hand, you assume he was making song lyrics or a haiku. you walk up to kazuha and wipe away your tears, “u-uhm hey kazu,” you sit down beside him. “oh hey y/n! nice seeing you here!” his voice is warm and comforting.

“im surprised that you arent swarmed by paparazzi yet,” you giggle, “me too, the quiet is very relaxing. my day has become better now that youre here. wheres scara?” you can feel your eyes watering up “we broke up… he cheated on me,” kazuha hugs you, patting your back, tears are now falling down your face. “you dont deserve that, you really dont, youre one of the most amazing people that i know.”

tip tap tip tap tip tap

you hear the sound of footsteps running, it’s probably someone jogging. kazuha tucks your hair behind your ear while looking you in the eyes.

“WAIT!-“

kazuha presses a gentle kiss on your forehead. you turn your head to see who had just called out, it was scara, he was standing there in shock, tears slipping down his face. “YOU BITCH KAZUHA,” scara yells at him. the bouquet of flowers you threw out earlier was now in his hands. “YOU LIKE Y/N, DONT YOU? YOU HAVE HER THESE FLOWERS, RIGHT?” scara scoffs, “and what if i do? theres no harm in having a crush, unlike cheating on your lover. and, i did give those flowers to her, so what?”

scara turns to you “b-baby you still love me right? a-and not this bastard, right?” his voice seems desperate, “kunikuzushi i-”

A/N: UHMM I LITERALLY HAD NO IDEA HOW TO END THIS- I AT LEAST TRIED LOL ┐༼ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°༽┌

(ngl i wanna make a part 2 because the ending was so messy ‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º· )

TAGLIST @justaxiaosimp @mommykukki @xdrin @midnight-pluto @boomie-123 @scaramochies @dnsuhwr874y @hopefulceladon @yukinenikora @akusiapaakudimana @mai-yay @uhfhfhfhf

[strawberrystepmom]

malevolent enterprise ch. 2

ceo au series. sukuna and yuji are brothers. gojo x f!reader are endgame but this is backstory/lead up. reader has hair that can be swept off of their face. reader is a lawyer (ive taken creative liberties bc i am not a real lawyer so take it up with god if u find an issue) and has an established platonic relationship with sukuna and has an ex boyfriend that is an oc named shigeo. cw drug and alcohol mentions. wc 1.8k.

masterlist coming soon but in the meantime, ch. 1 can be found here

divider thanks to @/cafekitsune ♡

“Forgot I paid you to stand around, ---.”

Hearing Sukuna use a shortened version of your full name, you roll your eyes and pull your glasses off of your face, holding them between your thumb and index finger. Meeting his gaze with an indignant look of your own, you toss the pen you’re holding with your other hand down on the desk in front of you and groan in frustration. 

You’re only standing in his office because you've been reviewing contract abstracts for hours and could use a break before your brain starts to turn to mush given his absolutely archaic NDA demands that would never be upheld in court. 

“Am I not allowed to pace? Is that one of the workplace rules you’ve set we all have to follow, King Ryomen?”

He appreciates your sharp wit if nothing else so he chuckles, walking around you to plop down behind the heaviest and most ornate looking desk you’ve seen in a modern office. 

Truly fit for a man who sees himself as a king. 

“Can I make all of you start calling me that? Will HR have an issue?”

You scoff and shake your head. 

“Yes. I have a funny feeling they would indeed take issue with you demanding your employees call you king.”

Placing your glasses back on the bridge of your nose, you sweep back a few tendrils of hair that have fallen in front of your face and sigh, raking your fingers through the top of your overgrown layers. You’ve been too busy lately to even get a trim, late nights spent at the revenge motivated Ryomen Enterprises preventing you from doing much but provide general counsel, as your position and official title state. 

You left one incredibly oppressive job for another and you don’t quite regret hitching your wagon to Sukuna but you aren’t proud of it either, especially putting your own goal of having your own firm on hold to do it. 

Leaving the Zen’in firm seemed intelligent three months ago after Naoya was named partner instead of you, the tireless hours you put into the blockbuster Miyamoto v. DTK, Inc. wrongful termination suit, the first of its kind in the country, meaning ultimately nothing when it comes to family ties and misogyny. 

You handed your resignation to Naobito the next day who received it with a knowing smirk, glad to see one less bitch too big for her skirt suit step aside. Two months later Sukuna reached out to you and you assumed you’d be stupid to pass up a comfortable and lucrative in-house counsel position in a well funded company everyone had just started buzzing about. 

It also helps that the founder of said company is someone you’ve known for long enough you have seen him shuffle through several life phases. 

Needless to say the job hasn’t been what you expected it to be since saying yes though, sifting through a bankers box full of Manila envelopes, muttering aloud about all the shit you need to get done and the severe lack of hours in the day. 

“The journalist hasn’t sent back her NDA yet,” you remark and he hums. He knows exactly the pretty little pink haired thing you’re mentioning and he smirks thinking about how easily he pulled her apart in a penthouse suite 8 blocks away a few nights ago but his attention is drawn back to the present when you slam a stack of papers in front of him. 

“Your brother’s company doesn’t even have in-house counsel.”

Sukuna arches a brow, sitting back in his chair and slamming his feet on the desk. You don’t even jump, perhaps too used to his antics after only a couple months of working for him. It’s not like he was a stranger to start with, the senior you helped through your sophomore Contracts course remembering you fondly for your plucky demeanor and willingness to fight when necessary. 

You simply remember him as a smooth talking asshole who charmed you into doing his coursework successfully but he signs your checks so you keep your assessments of his character to yourself as often as possible. 

“How do you know what’s going on at Yuji’s company? Are you a mole?”

A snort is your response and you toss him a glance from over your glasses, one he knows means he’s treading in dangerous territory. Tossing down one of the near bursting envelopes in your hand, you pick up your phone and grimace at the text lighting up the screen. 

Toge: maki wants 2 eat w u at some point this millennium - her words

Rolling your eyes, you text back and Sukuna watches with a grin, wondering what in the world could have you so irritated on your phone. 

“That’s not Gojo is it?”

You scoff again and add nothing further, continuing to focus on your phone despite the second last message Toge sent you containing a link to a headline showing off the man just mentioned wining and dining a pretty dark haired woman across the world last night. 

Quickly, you type a reply to Toge’s message to send the bubble with the news article further out of your periphery.

You: are you guys together? where are you?

“It’s my assistant reminding me to eat since I don’t get a spare second to do it working for you,” you finally remark, locking your phone with a wince. 

You try to pretend you’re too good to be affected by the latest news of Satoru’s careless public hookups but you did lock yourself in the executive bathroom to cry at your own reflection for 45 minutes earlier so you opt for silence rather than digging the hole any deeper. 

Why you care in the first place is beyond you, the two of you only ever orbiting around one another, no serious groundwork for anything beyond neutrality laid. You can’t help who you’re attracted to, though, and while there’s no use in lamenting that you’re nobody to the man you can at least sit down and dye your hair a shade darker to pretend he’d be interested next time you get the chance. 

Sukuna pulls you out of the hole your mind is in, swinging back and forth in his chair, making it squeal with each quarter turn and further annoying you.  

“When’s the last time you went out and did anything besides look at paperwork and smoke with the window cracked? You look like shit.”

The expression on your face is priceless, shifting to glare at your boss while he snickers to himself and shrugs, knuckles wrapped around his opposite bicep. 

“Yuji’s party is the last time I went out.”

Well over a month ago. Sukuna whistles lowly, still shifting idly in his chair. 

“I’m just saying maybe you need more than just a bite to eat to feel better. Text your ex or something, didn’t he just get surgery? He’s probably at home.”

The mention of Shigeo, baseball star, makes you exhale as loudly as possible and throw down another envelope. He’s the last person you want to hear about, given you broke his heart just over six months ago, admitting you didn’t see yourself marrying him when he asked about a shared future for the two of you. He’s sweet, he’s wonderful, he’s a good man but he isn’t your forever man and finally, anger makes your face flush and feel warm, your boss successfully making his way under your skin.

“Don’t you have illicit substances to snort out of someone’s asshole?” You look away and mutter under your breath, much to the amusement of the man watching each irritated step you take. “What are you even doing here anyway? It’s after hours.”

Sukuna takes his feet off of the desk and leans forward on his elbows, sucking his teeth. He isn’t sure why he’s here, actually. Perhaps he’s partied out and tired of hosting giggling girls with nothing better to do than hang on his every word or maybe he wants to look over his kingdom without prying eyes judging his every mood. Both of these are a little true but above all, part of him holds the tiniest bit of fondness for you. At least enough that he’s concerned you’re overworking yourself. 

“Go out tonight. All this shit will be here tomorrow and I’m sure I’ll give you even more to deal with by the time the sun is up again.”

You sigh and look down at your phone, screen lighting up as another message from your personal assistant comes through. 

Toge: den, just sat down. ordered you vodka soda.

“Fine but let your little pink princess know that if her NDA isn’t in by next week I’m going to sit there and watch you two fuck to make sure nothing gets out.”

Sukuna hums, brows raised. 

“I always knew you were a freak.” You roll your eyes and he chuckles, standing up from his chair and letting it roll back far enough it bumps against the glass floor to ceiling window behind it. “You’re one of those girls who wears really sexy underwear but never lets anyone see them, right?”

Tucking documents into a box, you snarl. He’s not 

flirting, he's making nasty observations as he is known to do. He has known you for long enough he feels extremely comfortable doing so and you can hardly argue with him. Who cares even if he is right? You’re a grown woman with a lucrative career and life, if you wanna wear 50,000 yen silk panties that’s your business.

“That’s more than enough out of you.” Another document tucked and you approach Sukuna, looking up at him with your mouth in a line. “I’ll be in by 10 tomorrow. Don’t fuck my night up.”

He nods, holding his hands up in a gesture of mild surrender. 

“I’m serious about the NDA too. I’ll meet with her if you want but I won’t promise to be nice about it.”

Your boss scoffs but smirks.

“You’re always too nice, that's why you don’t have it yet but I’ll talk to her.”

Nodding, you acquiesce, uninterested in arguing while you tie your coat closed. Your phone lights up again and you look down at the message with a groan.

Toge: ice melting…👎🏻

“I mean it, Sukuna Itadori. I do not want to hear a single report of bad behavior in the morning.”

The only person allowed to still call him his family name is you and you turn on your heel, stilettos clacking across the marble floor with each step. 

“Whatever you say, boss.”

His sly remark makes you toss another look over your shoulder while opening the office door but the buzz of your phone catches your attention instead. 

Maki: If you aren’t here in 15 I’m dragging you out of that building myself.

Knowing she means it, you stiffen and rush to leave. 

“No drama, Sukuna!” 

You shout over your shoulder and he chuckles, opening his own phone and scrolling to the contact for the pretty little pink princess he hopes to have back between his jaws tonight. 

[paintthetownblack]

Shadows of that Night

Eric x reader

Part I ; Part II ; Part III ; Part IV

The final plot is set in motion. There's femoral artery feeding, and some action.

Spoilers for season 7.

Warning, this does contain graphic descriptions of violence.

-

"Fuck." Pam breathed out, as though she could have killed the sheriff right then, on principle. I found myself mirroring the sentiment. It may have been naive of me, most likely had been, but I had felt we were on the brink of a breakthrough, her and I. I had never felt our connection stronger, than when I glimpsed that newspaper page in her mind. If only I could have clung onto her for a few more seconds, she might have sensed my lack of ulterior motives. Not that I didn't understand why she was cautious the way she was. She had spent most of a very long century running from some authority or other, protecting herself and Eric from the reach of whatever establishment, human, vampire, both, and, just when they had found stability, I had entered the picture.

And Eric's interest in me only complicated matters, affection being equal to vulnerability in their world.

I was watching them flank the desk, Eric, lounging with his feet up at the far end, and Pam, closer to me, leaning sternly with her arms crossed. They were falling back into their work dynamic, without even realizing it. Even when at odds with each other, they instinctively formed a united front, and a stunning front, at that, both blonde and tall, and pale, dressed in all black. And, then, the police siren. They looked at each other first, and seemed to know exactly how to proceed.

Eric stood up from the desk, touching Pam's shoulder, as he passed her, he leaned towards me, to tell me to stay back, voice quiet, then he went out front, by himself.

"Are you gonna let him deal with it alone?"

"He's not alone." She realized I wasn't half the telepath she worried I was, and that I needed further explanation. "I am back up."

"And what am I?"

"A problem." That sing song voice of irony she loved to use on me.

The sheriff sounded uncomfortable, even through the door, I could tell. He wasn't fond of vampires, but he was even less fond of conducting investigative work on their grounds. He was following up on a missing person's report. And Eric went abruptly silent, having heard that.

Pam stopped the indignated look she was giving me for having to lean against the door to hear, unlike herself, and she motioned for me to step towards her. I did, and was glad I had, because the door opened a second later, and Eric, looking whiter than usual, leaned into the room.

"It's to do with you." He took my arm and pulled me through the door. "I believe the woman you are looking for, sheriff, is right here, our newest bartender. You can see she is unharmed, we, here, at Fangtasia, believe wholeheartedly in the value of human life." Eric put on a big PR smile and presented me towards the sheriff, as one pushes a shy kid onto the stage, for the school play.

"I will need to see some ID." Bellefleur declared, seeing I matched his low quality picture, which was grainier for having been printed out across a whole sheet of copy paper.

My eyes met Eric's, as he was still playing the role of friendly vampire CEO, he shared my concern. My ID was with them, and he had to figure out how to make what was, in essence, a vampire hostage situation, not look like a vampire hostage situation. Bellefleur wasn't a very sharp man, but he had good instincts, and they perked up at our exchange of glances. He crossed his arms and stepped his feet further apart, presumably to take up more space, but he was still shorter than Eric, and height wasn't even a factor that could resolve this tension.

This had, somehow, been Pam's cue. She stepped forth from the office, holding my ID "Sheriff, I'm afraid it was with me. Tax purposes." She also smiled widely and disturbingly.

"Isn't it a little late for accounting?" His raspy voice clocked.

"We're vampires." Her smile died completely, as she felt no need to put in effort, in the presence of seeming incompetence.

"Right." The sheriff took half a step back, and looked at the piece of plastic for longer than necessary.

"Fine... this is all in order." He handed it back to me. "Are you" he was at a loss for words "as you folks say... here under no duress and of your own freewill?" I think he was quoting Dracula.

"Yes."

He squinted at me "Fine, so be it. I still need you to come to the station and give statements. Now, if we drive out to Bon Temps right now, you will all be back in time, before sun up, no issues."

"Is that necessary?" Eric sighed, the PR smile still going strong, but wearing off more and more around the eyes.

"It would be much appreciated."

"And we love to be of service." He placed a hand to my back and led me to the exit.

Pam followed "I love abiding by human law." She snickered at the sheriff, who understood the statement for exactly what it was, and shook his head.

The sheriff's car was unlocked. Eric held the door open, as I got in, but Pam refused the courtesy and insisted she would not sit next to me, so Eric had to be squeezed into the middle. He sat with his long legs bent almost up to his chest. Pam enjoyed this greatly, and gave her first genuine smile of the evening.

Two vampires and a vampire telepath, driving in the back of a police car. It sounded like the set up of the century. It goes to show how important vampire-human coexistence had become to Eric, and to the vampire community at large. Though the dead-ness of his expression, for lack of a better word, wasn't giving that impression.

I couldn't help, but run my fingers along his hand, which brought his sense of humor back to him. He lightened up. Pam observed the gesture, and took Eric's other hand, batting her eyelashes rapidly, and tilting her head, like a mockery of a school girl with a crush. Evidently, that was how she saw me.

We were, for all intents and purposes, school children, fooling around, behind the sheriff's back. Literally.

Upon arriving at the station, we found no one else on duty, and the door was locked behind us. We were lead into the sheriff's office, where he offered the seat opposite his to Eric, and pointed Pamela and me to a tiny room at the back of his office, the doorway perfectly aligned with his desk.

Eric complied and made himself comfortable, stretching his legs and folding his hands on his lap. Why was I so interested in observing power postures this night? Maybe because they happened to be on display in front of me.

Whatever was transpiring between Eric and Sheriff Bellefleur was child's play compared to the tension between me and Pam, in the converted coat closet, which tried to be a waiting area. Three plastic chairs barely managed to be squeezed in, backed against each of the available walls, after the door had been removed, but at least there was a window.

We sat next to each other, engaged in a silent agreement to not let our knees touch, which was not easy in the space available.

Eric was being questioned only feet from us. Bellefleur had an especially difficult time, as Pam was sat so perfectly in the open doorway of the closet. She could face him directly, peer into his soul all she wanted with her icy blue gaze. Eric leaned in his chair, off to the side, to allow Pam's eye contact to rattle the sheriff freely. And he was rattled. His words came at long intervals, and drew out at the end.

The line of questioning was basic, sterile and procedural. "Where were you when..." when I was last reported seen in Georgia, when I was last reported seen in Bon Temps, etc. Between Bellefleur's drawn out words, southern drawl and raspy voice, and Eric's steady answers of "to ground" for day time intervals, and "at Fangtasia" for night time intervals, I was almost drowsing off. There seemed to be no agenda, just standard police bureaucracy. I felt we were safe. Safe, at least, from the erratic behavior the sheriff had been known for once, as was rumored around town.

The silence had practically rung from the corridors of the station during this time. But then the loud noise of broken glass jolted all of us out of our complacency. The sheriff drew his gun too slowly, and was taken down by what looked like a tranquilizer dart, coming from outside my and Pam's field of vision. At the same time, a fine silver net was cast around Eric. We could hear how it burned into his skin, as he knelt down.

Pam would have attacked, but I grabbed her just in time. I don't have an explanation for how I was able to restrain her, but I did make my case swiftly. "They'll just capture you too, you have a better chance of helping him, if you're free." I glanced at the high window to her right. The look on her face was difficult to witness. She was angry, and distressed, it wasn't like the two of them to run from a fight. But she did it, she lifted herself up to the frame of the window, and prepared to jump. "I'll be with him."

"A lot of good that does." And she was gone. I walked out of the closet, with my hands up, hoping I wouldn't get shot.

I was immediately taken on by two very sharp looking men in black suits, as two others were keeping my vampire overlord. Eric looked bad, as it was, silver burning into his skin, he was weakened and he was in pain, but seeing me there in custody added an unforeseeable amount of fuel to the fire. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, he was furious. Probably with me as well.

We were shoved into the back of a van, and a pair of silver handcuffs was thrown at my feet. "Put them on him." An eerily calm tone of voice commanded me, and I couldn't see a thing outside the door, because of three bright flashlights aimed at our eyes.

I looked at Eric, there was too much going on in both of our minds, to disentangle the full meaning of his expression. "It's alright." He whispered to me.

I sat down next to him and tried to separate the net from between his fingers. There was skin coming off with the silver, and I could barely look.

"Faster." The direction came just as emotionlessly as before. My hands were starting to shake, Eric gave me a nod, exhausted though he was, he was trying to encourage me. I put the handcuffs on him, finally. I was closing them around raw flesh. I couldn't believe his resilience or my own. I was told to retrieve the net and hand it back. I knew that would be a relief to him, but that it would have to inflict even more pain first. My hands were barely my own anymore, I was numb, and I was on autopilot, so I did it, and the doors were shut and locked. We soon started to move.

"How could you be so stupid?" He gathered his strenght to whisper with sufficient resonance to make me shake harder than I already was.

"I couldn't just leave you alone." I whispered back, I couldn't have conjured up a stronger tone, if I had tried.

"And why not? What good are you in here?" His voice was stronger.

I, however, was still barely whispering, my breath was getting more uneven, rather than less. "I convinced Pam to run. She is a better resource than I would have been."

"I don't think you realize just how fallible you are."

"I am not afraid." But I couldn't catch my breath either, it was not a very convincing plight.

"If that were true." His eyes were so intense, I very much wanted to look away, but I couldn't. "it would be extremely stupid. But I can hear your pulse. You are scared out of your mind."

"Doesn't mean I didn't do the right thing."

He closed his eyes, his hands were tied, in more ways than one. He was reaching the peak of exasperation, but I was still confident in my course of action, even if my body seemed to want to implode from panic.

"I think you need more blood."

"You are in no position to make judgments. Listen to me. From now on, every time you want to start thinking, you run it by me first." He was resting his head against the wall of the van, and wincing. The lines of his face were made harsher by the overhead car light.

"You look horrible."

"You're one to talk?"

"Does it hurt?"

"What, the healing or the silver?" I hadn't realized until then that healing would be painful for vampires. And I think that receiving the notion made my face grave, because, beyond that point, he dropped the resentment from his voice. "Both. But don't worry, it'll be over soon."

"It won't be, though." I stood up. The desire to be doing something, anything at all, besides waiting, and the desire to ease his pain pushed me to be a bolder version of myself. Seeing him that way made my insides squirm. "The femoral artery flows more freely, right?"

I placed my hands on the van wall, and leaned my leg over his shoulder. This wasn't easy for him to withstand, but it would make him better. I tugged my skirt up, and saw his fangs come out. "You don't have to do this." He seemed too stunned to say anything else. He must not have been used to being offered help.

"But I want to."

He looked up at me, as he sank his fangs into my skin. The sounds of the road faded, there was nothing else besides Eric and his fangs in my inner thigh. It was like a psychic space that I entered when he fed on me, and there was nothing in it, so my mind could relax. Then, when he pulled away and I came down, it would be his thoughts that would flood in, before my own. With that, my panic died out, and I was able to steady my heart.

I sat down, the little blood that was running down from the wound, hardly an afterthought.

I saw he was already healing, he looked a lot more comfortable, as well, apart from the handcuffs. I could touch him again, and I held his face. He turned his head and kissed my palm, once his fangs retracted. There was so much tenderness to him. Meanwhile, the image he liked to project was so coarse. I understood why. I just wished the latter wouldn't spoil the former so often.

He was thinking about Pamela, about the night he made her vampire. I had always imagined he had been the one to initiate it. But it figures, the only way to get under Eric Northman's skin is with a sledgehammer, which is to say through extreme measures.

And then my mind found Pam's. She was in a field, somewhere, by the Bon Temps city limits, masking her fear with anger, as she is one to do. Hands on her hips, cursing. Cursing me, Eric, the sheriff's department, the sheriff, Bon Temps, Sookie, fairies, the Queen of Louisiana, it was a mouthful, but it was testament to the urgency with which she was thinking.

Images were firing very rapidly, all the culprits coming together, trailing a chronological line, all the way back to the dark ages, at one point. Godric and Nora were to blame, apparently, for leaving Eric disenfranchised and thus seeking relationships with humans, and then it circled back to me again. I was a tender topic.

Yet, I was extremely grateful for this glimpse. For one, it meant rescue was coming, and, secondly, it meant I had the fire of Pam's personality near me, and I needed fire.

Part VI

[idolomantises]

I think I’m gonna discuss this once and hopefully never have to bring it up again. Originally I wanted to talk about it on Twitter but people are very disrespectful when it comes to mental health so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Basically, I haven’t been doing so great, mentally. Nothing bad has happened to me, I’m safe and surrounded by people I care about, and it’s been like that for months. I just, I haven’t been feeling good.

For people who do follow me on accounts like Twitter and Instagram, you may have noticed I haven’t posted anything new since January. I was struggling to feel motivated to make something for my main accounts despite having countless ideas I’d love to work on. I feel better now and do plan on getting something done in March, but that sudden lack of motivation is pretty rare for me. Art is not only my job but a big hobby for me, I just love drawing. I did get some nsfw art done at least.

I don’t know what really prompted my mental health decline, I’ve been getting a few worried messages and fanart because someone insulted my art. But that didn’t hurt me at all, it actually boosted my account and patreon.

I guess I just… got sad?

I have a really bad tendency to suppress and even ignore my trauma and feelings of guilt. And I guess one day I really sat with my thoughts and I just, lost it I guess. I have so much traumatic memories and sudden and intense feelings of self loathing, something I’ve never felt in almost a decade, that it got overwhelming. I couldn’t reassure myself, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because how do you confront things that happened years ago? You feel almost irrational. It’s just memories that haunt you, it’s nothing physical or tangible and yet it’s a crushing feeling of anxiety, self hatred and resentment.

I was crying almost every day, and crying so much that my eyes kept hurting long after I was done, and I could barely see my own screen. I’ve had paranoid thoughts about myself and others, thoughts I can’t get into because they’re so deeply irrational. I was feeling suicidal urges and thoughts of self harm. I don’t see myself doing it, but it’s so frequent and overwhelming it’s like I’m already planning my suicide note.

I was talking to my therapist about it, that I was starting to hate being alive. That I hated living. That I could spend the next 50 years of my life with no more conflict or trauma and I’d still be in intense misery and turmoil. They’re feelings I couldn’t really bring myself to tell friends about because what could they say? How do you calm yourself down and reassure yourself. I can’t even talk about my trauma verbally without crying. And it’s funny because sometimes minor irks started to affect me negatively. I was feeling anxious about what to draw because I didn’t want to do deal with homophobic backlash.

I went to a therapist, I talked to friends, Ive been working out more and eating better, I did everything I should do to improve my mental health and all of a sudden a single night just sitting in my room destroyed everything I was slowly building up over the past 5 years.

It’s been really difficult for me. I think also, I just felt so much guilt over not being the best person I could be. I decided to lessen my online usage, not just for my mental health but because I really wanted to work on being a better person. I want to stop hating myself and letting my trauma push me down and I want to do just be better and do better as a person. A lot of people have been very forgiving and kind to me but I don’t feel like it’s enough and I want to do more and I want to feel better about myself. I want to give everything I can to people around me. I’ve been going to therapy a lot more lately and things are getting better for me, but it’s been a very slow process.

I just want to repeat that nothing serious has happened to me. Nobody attacked me in a way that negatively affected my health. A lot of people, friends and strangers have been really nice to me these past few months. I just was doing a lot of self reflecting and unintentionally forced myself to confront a lot of my trauma. I’m saying trauma a lot. I don’t want to get into depth about what I endured because it’s my business but people who do know me know how bad things were for me. I don’t want to feel like that again. I want to feel better, and I want to do better.

Sorry for the long read. That’s just how I feel.

[archangeldyke-all]

what is one thing you don’t like abt like sevikas fanbase? it’s js a question ive been thinking abt lately, because ive seen a lot of things about people not liking her fanbase or the way people write her so i was wondering abt ur thoughts or ur opinion. but i love you so much im gonna give you a smooch!!!!

big smooch back!!!

i don't know!! i'm very liberal with the block button so i never really see takes or behaviors i disagree with hahahaha

i'd say one thing i dislike about the arcane fan-base's interpretation of her is most people gloss over her character and make her a one-dimensional 'vehicle' of a character. they see her as someone to motivate the plot, to fight vi and take care of silco's business-- but they don't see her as a character. this is for a number of reasons; her lack of screentime, racism, misogyny... it's frustrating to see. and they're doing themselves such a disservice by writing her off as one-dimensional, because (to me) she is one of the most fascinating characters in the show!

i've also seen people say that sevika 'doesn't receive enough criticism' because 'people think she's hot' which just rubs me the wrong way. there is a small handful of lesbians and queer women who think she's hot and create content for her out of the millions of arcane fans; and she receives constant criticism for her lack of sympathy for jinx or 'betrayal' of vi, she's referred to as a brute, ogre, and pawn on the regular in the fandom. and to imply that the few queer people who are attracted to her erases the excessive (again, because of racism, misogyny, etc...) criticisms of her character is just weird. but i'm a sevika super fan so i'm probably just being defensive of my girl lolol.

[tekbro]

Happy new year!

I know its very much late cause am thinking what to do, and pretty much not a lot to show you...

But below are pretty much whats been going on throughout the year until before the year ended, if you care enough to know XD

I know its been quiet here, but im still here meowing. Last year is pretty much not as productive, even then theres some, it lacks motivation and its just forced just to give that minimum to stay relevant, and the more I force it the more drained I am.

Other than that, before I announce my break, I let go of using PC for a while because my brother wants to use it at the other city, means ive been off my computer for a while now. So while I am away from PC, ive been distracting myself with other stuff, like Pokemon, cause I have not completed any of that game. I also bought blank notebooks to sketch more whenever I felt like it, will show you soon whenever, but right now not as much..

And last thing, I borrowed VR headset from friend, so ive been around VRChat as well, and I say, I am always nervous going to public places, but gladly met some people to be friends as well, also got to be somewhat comfortable socializing. ( If you wanna add me on VRC, its "krisbrine", we could hang around or chat anytime :) )

Anyways, thank you for being patient with me and I still appreciate some still reaching out to me though have not done much for you all :(

Thanks for reading, heres Jassy I sketched before the year ended