#ive been kinda worried lately
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i do the best you can!
you do the best i can!
#kingdom hearts#kh#kingdom hearts dark road#khdr#baldr#kingdom hearts baldr#ive just been listening to so much saintseneca lately eheheh. this is a fun song and i had fun with sort of vauge visual metaphors#im not sure how i feel about the text but i kinda just wanted to finish it. it gets the point across no worries!!!#it all being in very bright colors is very intentional. i had a lot of trouble with the colros in this and im sorta proud#of how it ended up so yay!
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agony ?
#nightmaretheater#psychonauts#caligosto loboto#genuinely dont have a name for this one bye#kinda just wanted to mess with some filters 🫢 muahahahha#time on canvas… 2 hours. Wait what? Squints… 2 hours????#its a bit wonky but honestly? goes hard. Whatt ever#(thats why im putting it in my main art tag)#..Okay. Fine. Ill be honest. Ive been feeling a bit of AGONY!!! lately thats what it means. Okay. Yeah. Im fine. Dont worry sctually!!!
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can someone nice (!!) please please please adopt me im begging you im requesting you (huge word vomit and vent in tags, pls dont read if u dont want to!! and if you don't want this stuff on this blog PLS lmk!! i dont wanna make anyone uncomfy! )
#tw vent#yes ik i have a vent blog#but idk why i dont wanna go there#ill prolly delete this in a while + if i vent here (which ill try not to) ill always tag it#but if any of yall aren't fine with it pls do lmk!!! ill stop <3#Anyways.#fucking hell i hate this.#dude#i very specifically told them to hurry the fuck up THEY were the ones making us late#i have told them a hundred times the minimum time i jeed to get ready#i told them this morning too that you guys make us late then put it all on me#nad she went like oh no dear dont worry that wont happen#WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH#and like the lecture and huge ass scolding and then cold shouldet ive been getting from BOTH of them before i left for coachinh#im just tired atp#idk its not even that big a deal this happens everyday#i dont know how to feel#idk if im even rly feeling anything atp#its just that i really fucking hate being here#I wanna get the fuck out#but thing is this makes me feel kinda guilty occasionally#for eg a few days ago i was rly sick and she took care of me kinda#and then that made me feel bad for hating her#but then things like this happen and i cant help it and i feel so conflicted#i dont want to stay here i know that for sure but i feel guilty for it#if i speak im being rude and backtalking#if i dont speak im being rude and ignoring#the fuck am i supposed to do????#she always tells me to 'stay silent and just hear it'#and when i do that she keeps shouting again and again and finally i say smth bc although its extremely fucking dumb of me to open my mouth
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i feel so at peace but at the same time so chaotic and drained
#it’s literally been wavessss of emotions lately#life feels weird w no friends or a partner but it is peaceful#i’ve been spiraling lately bc i’ve been feeling lonely#but i have to keep reminding myself that i’ll attract the right people eventually#right now i’m focusing on finding myself again and being content w where i am bc ive been so so so hard on myself lately#it’s better to have solitude rather than faking my personality around the wrong people#i deserve to be loved for who i am and i’ll wait to love the future people that come into my life#things will be okay and i know now that it isn’t time for a relationship#my first wlw crush and i are still flirting and talking everyday but i knowwww i cant get involved bc i still have sm to worry about#i do love her so much but we both have shit we need to figure out and we’d probably destroy each other if we decided to fully fall in#i’m ranting rn guys but this is the first halloweekend i didn’t go out and i was kinda sad abt it but im also SO glad bc i usually act so#stupid and dumb when i drink impulsively#it’s for the best#i don’t drink as much as i used to and that in itself should be something i am proud of#hehe anyways ily all and if you read this entire thing i love u even more#personal
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Day 2 of Starting Adderall Again:
->I decided to shower, and then went to the bathroom to shower.
-->I remembered my shower was dirty because maintenance recently worked on my toilet and somehow they got chunks of caulk in the shower, and also I hadn't cleaned it since I moved in about 7 months ago
--->Remembered I also wanted to mop since they'd come into my Clean Space with their Outdoor Shoes
---->Went and got the mop but the mop pad was dirty
---->Threw away the dirty mop pad and got a clean one on
--->Went and mopped the bathroom, which room about 60 seconds
-->Turned my focus towards the shower again and started looking for the cleaner
--->Spent probably 5 minutes looking under all the sinks before *remembering* that I'd used it about a week ago and maybe had left it on the counter
---Found it the counter
-->Sprayed the shower with cleaner
--->Decided to wash the sink while the cleaner was working on the shower
--->Finished the sink in about 5 minutes and then washed the shower for 3-5 minutes
-->Turned on the shower to let it rinse all the cleaner off
->Showered in about 10 minutes, much faster than normal because I didn't spend *any* time trying to remember what I was doing, and yet still did all the steps??? Effortlessly????
I managed to mop the bathroom, clean my sink, clean my shower, ***and*** take a shower, in like??????? 30 minutes?????
And it was all virtually effortless. I had to briefly talk myself into doing it, and then ponder "am I getting needlessly distracted? *Should* I mop too, or just clean the shower?" but it didn't really stress me out to wonder about it. I just...had thoughts in my brain...and they didn't really do anything useful...so I just decided to go ahead and mop, since my brain hadnt come up with any good reason *not* to.
I am in a state of peaceful awe and contentment.
#sorenhoots#adderall#ALSO I SOCIALIZED TODAY WITHOUT HAVING TO FORCE MYSELF TO DO IT THROUGH NEARLY UNBEARABLE SOCIAL ANXIETY.#i socialized on purpose and didnt feel panicky and my heart didnt race and i wasnt constantly stammering or beating myself up for stammerin#and i managed to have timely reactions rather than being so caught up in anxiety and stress to have a response without needing like 5 full#seconds to analyze my behavior and deem it acceptable#AND wow i did so much work at my job!! im MOST proud of how i made sure i went slow and took ample breaks for my hurt hip!#but even while managing my pain i also tidied my ENTIRE department#making sure EVERY shelf looked nice. and then stocked a bunch of stuff. and then! i needed to bring some stuff out of the back#which has been a REALLY stressful task for me lately because its hard to carry a box of wine while using a cane; but ive been to *shy* to#use one of the carts. or it seems like “well itll take 3 times as long if i go get a cart and then use it to move stuff and then put it up.#i didn't worry about taking more time to make sure i didnt hurt myself! i didnt get stuck trying to decide what to do! i just went and got#a cart and then made a loop around my department to drop it all off!!! I DIDNT EVEN GET SUPER ANXIOUS TRYING TO DECIDE IF I SHOULD START#AT THE BACK AND WORK FORWARD- OR THE OTHER WAY. i could just DO things and EXIST and oh my GOD.#im kinda terrified of the possibility of it losing effectiveness after a couple weeks. which has happened in the past. but also--ill have#health insurance soon! GOOD HEALTH INSURANCE because of the Healthcare Marketplace thing!#it was SO EASY to sign up for in this state????? they even had someone i could email who helped me FOR FREE???#you know how sometimes government forms are like “is a professional helping you fill this out?” THATS WHAT THATS FOR. i never even realized#what that question was for??? i was like “is this for rich people who can pay someone else to do it?” BUT APPARENTLY SOMETIMES THE HELP IS#FREE BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT *CAN* ACTUALLY HELP ITS CITIZENS AFFORD HEALTHCARE?????#so even if the adderall stops being as effective...maybe i can try something else! and i can certainly financially afford to go to the dr#and discuss my health and try different meds if needed!!#its wild cos this state is still a very red state but like...its *significantly* less red than the last one. and its been so much easier.
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Fuck I think my period is being weird agian. uuuuuuuuuuugh is this gonna be something I can't Ignore.
#ramblings#checked my post history. it wouldve been OVER a month since my last one and without getting tmi i think im technically on it#but theres been. no blood. uh#<- usually gets bad back aches and a fairly heavy flow. has experienced neither#well at least i dont think. my backs kinda been eh but ive assumed its just bc ive been doing a lot of sitting lately#mmmmmmmmm i could just be starting it i hope im just starting it. i dont wanna be having an issue bc i dont wanna go to a doctor#but this is starting to be a pattern#bc of other things thatve been going on lately im worried it might be pcos. but im not like. self-diagnosing that shit#but thats why im worried cuz i rlly dont wanna go to a doctor FUCK. ok whatever im ignoring this again#<- if it turns out this isnt just the start of my period ill talk to my mom bc this is definitely a pattern atp
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Hello! I'm here with ~another~ text post!
I unfortunately had assumed "ah yes, The Anxiety" has been my problem recently but in fact, no. It was The Depression! (or a combo, super likely!) Due to this, I will be taking a brief mental break from posting art here. The break may be three days, might be a week. Truly a mystery even to me.
I will be drawing daily so when I return I should have multiple pictures to show off which I will separate in posts by fandom. Drawing really helps calm me down unless I get to the point where it feels like a performance obligation which it currently feels like.
I appreciate your patience and I hope to be okay enough to be back soon.
(also, my ask box on this blog has been disabled until I return)
#moe talks a lot#not art#i feel like a take like some random mental health week every year but hey it helps take pressure off#and if i dont have to worry about pleasing everyone then i start to doodle more - at least in the past#sorry for all my anxious tags yesterday i just kinda like uh#dont have the energy to do much except think so my thoughts kinda spiral outta control and zone in#on like one silly little topic and one silly little comment ive gotten in the past#and if you follow me on twitch and see me start streaming yeah thats to get a social aspect in shhh#i like streaming doodles and it really relaxes me which means i might stream a fair amount while i recover#tfw you try to treat Your Anxiety with medication and it doesnt really work bc its not anxiety issues#but its a med that makes you mellow so then your depressed and mellow yeah thats been me lately oops
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I don't want to spam the blog abt it but is anyone interested in a tomolife screenshot or two 😅
#speak ez#lots of folks have been playing lately i kinda wanna show what ive been up to#but also i worry itll be Annoying TM#maybe i could just post on my main and rb here?#delete later
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as much as i hate to admit it because i was permanently damaged by using tumblr when i was like 12, it really is probably the best popular social media rn in my opinion, not even because it's necessarily good but just because everything else fucking SUCKS
chronological feed. being able to sort between what you follow and what the algorithm feeds you incredibly easily. being able to easily access things that interest you specifically via tags. customizable blogs! various ways of interaction between users! NOT EXCLUSIVE TO JUST IMAGE AND VIDEO FORMATS! text posts feel like such a novelty to me as someone who's primary social is mostly instagram. and sure twitter has text but firstly twitter sucks and secondly there's such a limit that in order to read anything of substance you gotta peruse through this long ass thread in their replies and its so unnecessary. also i just like how tumblr deals with images more as an artist than other socials
#sorry im rambling its just something ive been thinking about since ive been using it more lately#i think the only other social that compares in terms of like variety in the types of posts and being able to access communities that are of#interest is like#reddit.....which. listen okay ive actually had pretty nice reddit experiences#but its also because i am VERY selective about what kinds of communities i interact with#mainly recreational artistic hobbies- pet care- and niche anime/manga subreddits so i can infodump about shit#but like yeah reddit kinda stinky poopy#and its just crazy to me#anyways im working on a decent drawing so dont worry the art blog will be art blogging again soon
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The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules
#the klock keeps ticking#i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter#cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟#a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts#and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it#plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice#i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of#commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out#but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just#wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts#aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally#i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is#and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route#cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet#its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately#and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing#and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god#like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better#she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years#like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex#and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn#and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset#rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions#and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand#that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good#character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let#her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’#but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make#everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED#ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING
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mental illness
#i think. uhm i think and this isn’t good#but i think my recent lows are like. affecting everything including my ocs#a ‘nobody will ever be able to love me’ is also turning into a#‘nobody will ever be able to love my characters’ kinda thing#i have this thing where i just randomly decide nobody likes me out of nowhere and just disappear because i think it’s ‘for the better’#which obviously. this is not true. i know it’s not. but it’s still a thing that just happens sometimes#especially lately my emotions have been all over the place. there’s just a lot of loneliness but then i let myself be lonely because#some part of me still thinks i deserve it#not good! it’s not guys it’s not sooo good#granted ive had a busy last week so naturally i didn’t get to interact with my friends a lot#i forgor where i was going with this#anyways recent worries of me being unlovable have transferred to my ocs#i don’t think they have what it takes to be loved just like i don’t have what it takes to beloved#like father like child kinda thing#oh well it’ll get better some time i’m sure!#i’m confident that this will pass but for now i’ll just have to live through it. which is fine!#dios wisdom#vent#rant#i suppose
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when you've had a ship for years that no one in your (possibly) dead fandom knows or heard of or even thought of and you're starved for content on them cause they're like so separated from the fandom in your head now
is this just me
#im mostly talking about#sanders sides#and my ship remus x remy#I JUST THINK THEYD FIT PERFECTLY OKAY#Anxiety and Remy work too by keeping up at night for way too long on worrying topics#but... Remus and Remy....#theyre ying and yang in my mind. Remy is calm and sleepy with morbid curiosity his mind always drearily wandering#and Remus is#Remus. always coming up with horrible ideas and Remy just kinda indulges in them#at the end of the night Remus wants to go out ajd actually execute his ideas and Remy grabs him by the collar like#nuh uh uh. its late. we need to sleep. maybe in the morning#and then they sleep and Remus never does his evil plans#its perfect yk#its cute I think theyre cute#ive also ended up seperating them next to completely from Thomas which yk is a good thing to me cause never been a fan of#self cest so the more individual they are the better to me#very weird characters to attatch to and apply my own headcanons to but I am cringe and free shut up
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i think the most frustrating thing is that i know whats wrong with me exactly and sometimes i am very aware of what im doing but for some reason i dont know how to stop it. i know the justifications for pushing people away (for example) are correct but it doesnt mean that i automatically can stop it. i feel like im just watching myself do things without control sometimes
#im just worried iguess#ive been kinda struggling a lot lately#and i am incredibly afraid that my girlfriend is going to leave me#because im so difficult#but i dont know how to fix myself#so instead i just sit in bed and cry#im scared im going to ruin my own life#and just watch it happen
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not to p*riod post but like. it came so late last month and it’s even later this month probably both due to stress (lol) and i mean i never “hope” i will get it ever but i was hoping id get it during the fall break so it wouldn’t mess up any of the things i need to do this week and i think there’s like a 90% chance im gonna get it tomorrow which is a jam packed day during which im supposed to give a campus tour to a prominent vice president an hour after getting to the office so. lol
#purrs#i don’t want to call it when i don’t even have cramps yet but if i wake up in agony im probably going to work from home. im trying this new#thing where i don’t push myself to do the usual thing if im in agony and i know there’s stuff that needs to get done but it won’t get done#well if im not well first so. yeah. i feel so bad like the tour is at 10 and im probably gonna… idk. i shouldn’t say im going to do when i#don’t know for certain yet but it’s not looking good. also i am kinda worried abt why suddenly it’s getting later and later like ive been#thru much worse stuff than what’s happening currently and it came maybe like 2 days late at most but im getting to the point where it’s#around a week late now and ummmmm. i don’t think that is normal 😃 but i am trying not to think about it that hard bc nothing else is ‘wrong#that i can tell it’s just it’s late. idk. im dreading it so much i always dread it it’s so so painful and i hate knowing im about to#experience such severe pain i cant function for like 24-36 hrs 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#delete later#probably gonna have to cancel the tour which will make me look like a flake but. 😐
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im being so serious besties i am not cut out for academia
#like yes i know ive had a very uniquely shit experience in doing a degree i actively not only hate but also am BAD AT#but also i just. cannot hack it#'but hella you go mental and pessimistic every single exam period' i know that but. im right also#like the other day i said to my mum how much ive just been enjoying my job recently#and how huge a deal that is bc i HATE my hometown and ive never ever considered my time here as possibly being good#and my 20s will hopefully be a lot of travelling but in between that to save easier im gonna live at home#so i dont have to worry about rent so alas that means when im saving up for my next trip I WILL BE IN MY HOMETOWN#and as excited as i am for my twenties that is one huge downside to me but i was really cheerfully saying to my mum#that literally for the first time ever ive considered it might not be too bad bc lately i have just enjoyed my job#like i enjoy the people and the work and the lifestyle of it and while it's never gonna be ideal as a means to an end it's actually good#and instead of focussing on that she went OFF on one about how she wants me to stay in education and keep getting qualifications#and she was like 'you could do an english degree you've always wanted to do english or how about open university-'#and i was just sat there blinking at her like girl.... no#like i could FEEL myself shutting down like the terror of having to return to this environment when ive got my sight so set#on that 'one more year and im done one more year and im done' mindset like that has been the only thing getting my through#is that im halfway through the course now so im closer to the other end than i am the beginning and if i can just push through#ill be free from it for the rest of my life. so the thought of immediately returning to academia even for a subject i adore? i felt ILL#and my mum apologised the next day without me even having to say anything bc she realised she kinda bulldozed me there#but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree#(<- and im being serious there like ik 'traumatised' is a big loaded word but idk what else to use#and this degree has done so so much damage to me like it has convinced me that i am fundamentally a stupid person#to the point i refuse to add up bills when with friends or do answer any sort of intellectual question even if i KNOW i know the answer#bc ive just gone so so long of being bad at the only subject im studying like just SURROUNDED by it and being bad at it relentlessly#and i dont think people realise how damaging it is to very simply just... feel stupid all the time. but oh my god i used to be so confident#and bright and now i wont even do basic addition in front of people)#i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments#i just cant do it. maybe i just need a year or two away from it after this degree but my goddddd rn i cant see it#yes it's exam time for me can u tell. it always makes me existential and on the verge of vomiting at any given moment#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i dont care about iterated deletion of strictly dominated strategies shut the fuck up#hella goes to uni
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#it’s so weird how u can just feel two extremes and both r just so real#like often ill feel so suicidal and angry and upset etc but then other times I just feel so hopeful for the future and happy w my group#of friends#n both can b true but I just kinda get scared of when I feel rlly depressed n stuff bc it just feels so unbearable#n I just feel so out of control#idk last week was a p good week while socially exhausted#it was acc good to socialise and have fun etc#but idk I get my ups and downs so frequent idk if it’s normal to feel this way#but while im ill I’ve got an interview for college on Friday#trying again idk if ill even get in tbh#and im probably gonna drop out lollllll lit dropped out 4 times already#n every year I try but I’ve been out of work/education since late last year n I just feel I need to do something#even tho I struggle w my mental health a lot n just functioning like going outside and socialising and loads of ppl and noises it’s just#v overwhelming so idk if im just making another mistake but I picked a different course this time and it’s lower than my last so I’m hoping#they’ll give me a shot ig im worried they’re gonna judge me for dropping out so much but tht was care#and I just don’t wanna work w children / care anymore#and ive done social sciences before just the foundation level so I wanna progress#journal
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