#ive been ill in the last 10 years
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I was trying to remember the last time I was this sick and realised its actually been about 10 years and the only reason why I remember that is because last time I had to take 2 weeks off school and spent them playing mystic messenger
#anyway im gonna redownload mystic messenger and try replaying it#im sure a game i enjoyed alot when i was 16 will still hold up today#right#also yeah#ive been ill in the last 10 years#but this is like#the type of illness that would have killed me if this was the 1600s
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#ill go first#im 21 i think the last time i jumped was at least 10 years ago because of my disabilities getting worst & preventing that range of movement#and since i was 'homeschooled' since 5th grade i wasn't in physical ed or had any reason to jump#ive hopped sure. ive been startled. but JUMP??? i was 11 or younger
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*doofenshmirtz voice* what are the odds
#almost exactly a month apart#what the hell#two things i never thought id bring up in the same discussion#echoes of wisdom#venom the last dance#i liked them both! eow is an 8/10 and vtld is a venom/10#i cannot rate the venom movies bc they are all undeniably trash but i greatly enjoy them#this was probably my least favorite of the 3 tho#i just want a movie where it's just eddie and venom going about their daily lives. no high stakes just hijinks. instant 10/10#also hiiii im still alive 👋#maybe ill be back someday. ive been thinking about it recently#i havent updated the app in like 3 years and it just instantly crashes when i open it lmao
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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ohhhh my god. okay. so. my aunt does like, she buys random junk in bulk from retail wholesalers and then resells it on like, facebook marketplace and ebay and stuff. whatever. so my mom works for her. makes a flat $50 a day, regardless of the fact that shes disabled and doing hard labor for at least 8 hours a day, often 10+. and min wage here is $10 an hour but mom argued that $50 a day is still more than what she would make working the same hours at an actual job because of taxes...like girl that would be 50% taxes. you do not pay that fucking much. so thats already Bad.
but today mom shows me a video of a knife theyre gonna sell, and i watch 2 seconds and i realize its an automatic knife, and i tell her hey. thats illegal to possess in this state. let alone sell! and mom is like ohhh [aunt] knows what shes doing itll be fine.... we sell knives on there all the time she just doesnt put pictures and calls them something else on the listing to get around fb/ebays policies :)
LIKE. HELLO. THATS NOT BETTER. YOURE COMMITTING MULTIPLE CRIMES. *AS YOUR JOB.* and she was just like "its not a big deal she knows what shes doing." folks, this is the same aunt that, very illegally, paid me to sort through her clients confidential tax documents and bank records and stuff. because she works for a bank. and took the records home to sort them. i dont think she DOES know what shes doing, actually!
#why do both of my parents need to be so impressively incompetent. i like. cannot find the words for how . i feel about this#like. idc about crimes. go forth. be free. but maybe. just maybe. you should not make your job#“hi today i will post about how i am selling illegally possessed objects on a widely used public forum”#dont do crimes STUPID. yanno.#in other parent news. its now like. month 6 or so of dad refusing to get his insurance reinstated.#hes been on the same step (taking his paystubs to the dhhr office) for like 3 months?#anyway apparently he found out today/last night that when he was a kid he was diagnosed with gastroparesis !#which is like ! cool! you have a diagnosis AND ive been living with that for 16 years and can help you 🥰#but we were sitting there with mom (this was right before the knife thing) and she was like “well you gotta get your insurance now so you#can get on the right meds“ and dad was like yeah ill go....#and mom was saying well go in the morning when they open etc etc and he was like i will#and i pointed out that just two weeks ago i told him that too. and he didnt want to. bc hed lose money due to not being able to work#and mom was like well he doesnt work at 8am. and i was like yeah i know but i told him to go at 8am two weeks ago and that was his response#and then he proceeded to claim that this whole time he didnt know they opened at 8am.#folks. he doesnt start working until like...usually 10 or so. WHAT GOVERNMENT OFFICE DOESNT OPEN UNTIL 10.#PLUS. WE LIVE IN A RURAL HOUR. *BUSY* TAKES LIKE AN HOUR. MOST OF THE TIME YOURE IN AND OUT WITHIN 20 MINITES.#ive been fucking considering PAYING HIM to go get it.#and then he claims he didnt know it opened at 8am. when i have told him that. MULTIPLE TIMES.#WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE LIKE THISSSS THEYRE THE MOST IMMATURE ADULTS IVE EVER MET AND THATS IMPRESSIVE!!!#IVE KNOWN PEOPLE WHO PAY THEIR RENT IN COKE OR WHO ARE ESSENTIALLY PROFESSIONAL PARTIERS. AND *THEYRE* MORE RESPONSIBLE AND MATURE THAN MY#PARENTS. SO WHAT GIVES.#also theyre 50 like cmon yall. youre not even 20 or 30. i think you should know how to not like. get your job shut down or die of lack#of medication.#did i tell yall one of the times a few months ago i was nagging dad abt getting his insurance#his response was literally. no exxageration.#he was like oughhh i dont wanna see doctors because then theyll find out somethings wrong with me#and ill have to go on a bunch of medication.#and then he actually for real. said.#“being on too many medications killed my grandma”#even mom was like cmon man. thats not even true. they misdiagnosed her and put her on WRONG meds. she wasnt even on that many.
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my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol
#.mei chats#soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain#i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent#i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them#and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself#but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back#trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do#Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms#or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!!#<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect#in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly.#they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid.#god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now#i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all#so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do#god this got long. sawry#.not f/o related
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i love how the medical advice i get to not make my condition worse is to simply control it. like wow cool, idk why i never thought about doing that before, thank you i'm cured :)
#i am being sarcastic#yeah so. after a year of poor health i have been officially diagnosed with diabetic peripheral and autonomic neuropathy#so theres no way to treat it. no way to make it better. it will only get worse as time goes on#my doctors have told that. in order to make it progress slower. i need to control my diabetes#like okay dude. its not like ive been trying to do that every day of my life for 10 years or anything#and ive also been told not to sit up or stand up too quickly. and not to stay stabding or in a seated position for very long#cool. its not like i had to sit in a waiting room for 4 hours today or anything. again i am being sarcastic#ughhhh sorry for the venting im just. very sad about this. sorta annoyed. and kinda angry#my neuropathy has been slowly developing over the last 5 years. like. i only just turned 22#vent#mumbles#type 1 diabetic#chronic illness#disabled#delete later
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#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did#bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried#another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one#machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem#god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8#and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration#ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a#personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up#bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like#yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine#ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought#my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home#god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great#i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc#thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days#and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst#move. bc again. im barely a functional person#god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive#down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno#unrelated
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Tried to wean off one of my meds because it's really expensive and because your not supposed to be on it long term (and I've been on it almost 5 years already) and I made it a month and the repercussions are beginning 🫠
#y'know now i think about it thats probably why ive been so depressed and my pain has been 10x worse this month...#gosh im terrible at this whole chronic illness thing and ive been dealing with it since birth#its a hormone med because of course its a hormone med their so finicky and so expensive and my hormones hate me#and if anyone has texted me or sent me and ask and ive just not responded im so sorry its been a doozy lately#i have like 10 messages from different people and im so sorry#see the thing is normal people are only supposed to be on this med at 6 months max but hahaha not me#we raised my dose i think it was last year and i asked the attending doctor why my symptoms came back#and shes like 'well you just built a tolerance to the med' and... i was so confused because i have been taking hormone medication since#i was 8 and never once has any of my endos told me that you can build a tolerance to them#and so i told her 'so i can build a tolerance to a hormone med?' and she nodded while all the students just kinda stood their awkwardly#okay im done#virus rambling#random rant for the day
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it should be studied the way i immediately start crying after masturbating like girl where is the serotonin i was promised
#i just. the memories won't stop one after the other like a messy movie#all that talk about sex and love and a future together#all that teasing at night like oh think of me when you do it#and actually thinking of her for a whole year. how do i just forget#and the teasing the joking about who would play what role but both of us knowing exactly what would happen#but it was fun to tease#and the quiz the teasing referencing the quiz to make a point#and sometimes the honest convos truly vulnerable ones no teasing pure love and want#and sending clips on pinterest and them saying one day#and just. the full comfort and safety. and imagining your whole life with someone and suddenly you have to think aboit other people becaus#well they're gone. and they always said don't have hopes for the future i can't promise and i didn't listen#i think ive moved on but really i don't think i have just have gotten good at suppressing distracting#it's been. a little over a month and still it feels like everything is falling apart my house of dreams and hopes is falling apart around#me slowly and im just sitting in the floor crying#i shouldn't have listened to that gracie song i just. i saw her story and i thought she was going to release it and idk wanted to listen#one last time the youtube live version#ab aise lag raha ki back to square one#i keep having these thoughts involuntarily i don't know how to mske them stop#i remember few weeks ago i was hanging out with my bestie and i miss you im sorry started playing on shuffle from her playlist#and i was like fuck this song she told me about it we loved it gracie was like our artist#and i was like ok ill be brave and listen to it i have to one day na she's one of my fave artists#but we hadn't even reached the chorus and my bestie was like no and changed it immediately she must've seen something on my face#cause a hundred memories flashed before my eyes in those 10 something seconds#can u believe. having so many memories with someone you just text. what the fuck man i can't even remember my syllabus they should fade#okay goodnight
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I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.
#ive survived all nighters before ill scrape through the day itll just be Rough. at least i dont have much in my schedule#im not gonna take the dose this morning bc i think thats a really bad idea to do on zero hours sleep#and i can't risk two consecutive all nighters. like I have done that before but not while working full time 💀 its not worth it#drafting an email to my doctor to let her know im skipping day 2 + ask advice re. whether its worth resuming again on day 3#bc she did list 'trouble sleeping' as a common symptom that often passes but i need to know a) how long it usually takes to pass and-#b) if this is unusually bad + would she rec supplementing with a sleep aid or just switching tack entirely and trialling a non stimulant#by this stage of the night i dont think its actually acting anymore bc i took it at 7am and its now 3am. it shouldnt last that long#i think its more just triggered my preexisting insomnia. my ability to sleep is very very sensitive sometimes + hates routine changes#just so fucking frustrating bc ive spent the past 2 months nailing my sleep routine + ive had a couple weeks of being able to-#go to bed like 9:30-10 and it only takes an hour to get to sleep and i get usually a good 7 hours sometimes 8 only waking once halfway#and i dont feel like utter shit like yeah im tired but from work not so much lack of sleep.... and now thats all fucked lmao#whatever. maybe i should just take the next dose anyway#ill see. gonna try to sleep for another 2 hours but once it hits 5 im not doing this anymore ive been trying for six hours already man#i cant even remember when i last pulled a full all nighter. it might be longer than 6 months ago... i was doing so well :-(#im so mad i was so hopeful it would have SOME good effect like ik its not a miracle worker + these things take time but so many people-#seem to have an immediate positive response even if its probably a placebo. and i got fuck all except This.#i was searching on the reddit for sleep issues and other ppl only seem to report bad ones on higher doses or years in..#like damn. do i even have adhd then. ik thats a stupid thing to think bc obvs everyones body metabolises meds differently etc but still#it is ALMOST HALF 3 and i am FUCKING TIRED#UGH. alright bedtime round 189447383#.diaries#.vent
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this is true but can I also just add that like. how about we go a step further and don't worry if transmasculinity is a choice or not. the whole "gender isn't a choice so we shouldn't punish people for who they are" is a great sentiment to start off with, but what about the people who did choose their gender? do we punish them for making the "wrong" choice, or for having the "wrong" reason? or do we remember that bodily autonomy is a thing and that we have no say over other peoples' identities. and, also, that being a man is completely morally neutral. i s2g people need to get over their whole man-hating and/or bioessentialist mindsets and just let men be dudes in peace. whether they chose to be or not.
Transmasculinity is treated as a choice by everyone outside our specific community and I am sick of it. If transmasculinity was a choice I would choose it again, but it isn’t and it’s been used to try to say something shitty about us over and over. Cishet transphobes say we chose it because we’re mentally ill and taking it out on our bodies. Cis lesbian transphobes say we’re gender traitors responding to misogyny and lesbophobia by giving up womanhood and trying to become straight. Cis gay transphobes say we’re trying to trick gay men into sleeping with women. Trans transandrophobes say we just wanted to move up a rung in the patriarchy and use our male privilege to step on transfems. Consider that I’m literally just some guy trying to live my life without any ulterior motives or whatever.
#i wanted to talk more about this also but i didnt wanna derail too hard so ill just keep this lart in the tags#ive been on tumblr for 10 years and i will not pretend that the culture here is reflective of society as a whole#quite the opposite in many ways and for good reason much of the time#however i also saw (and was often a part of!) the waves of feminist thought taken just far enough to transform into misandry#people supporting and uplifting women was incredible and fantastic and things like the MeToo movement were so important#but in some corners there was a trade-off where suddenly all men were the bad guy 100% of the time#ik 'not all men' was kinda an MRA dogwhistle for a while. or at the very least really fucking annoying#when i (a woman at the time) wanted to vent about the men who had sexually abused or harassed me that was like. not the LAST thing i wanted#to hear but it certainly was close.#discovering feminism and related movements thru tumblr made me actually proud to be a woman in all the ways i was#it was real good for my self-esteem in certain ways. esp as a fat woman who was also discovering her sexuality and neurodiversity#but on the darker side of it i had internalized a nice heaping helping of the 'men=monsters' mindset#to the point that when my gender changed and became fluid i could not feel comfortable calling myself a man when i was one#i was in my 20s calling myself a Boi because i was too ashamed of the idea of being a man#no shade to all the Bois out there. u do u. but i know why i was doing it and it was the Shame. bc being a man is Shameful.#you still see it in the 'sorry for liking men' thing too#its such an easy slide from 'patrarchy is bad' to 'patriarchy = men so men are bad'#when its really way more complex than that#i have a lot of other thoughts about this but. yall dont need my entire sexism rant. i hope.#id just be preaching to the choir at that point. i hope. right? yall know this shit right??? please?#ugh. anyway.#tldr being a man isnt inherently evil can we please fucking stop acting like it is
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#been feeling horrible these past 2 days and i havent been to art school#the schedule is a mess bc i have to take the bus everyday and it doesnt really match with my afternoon classes#so i get stressed bc i have to wait for hours and then run to get the last bus and skip the last 2h or sometimes the last 3h of classes#and i know i have no control over that but the fact that we're also struggling with money issues lmao like the cherry on top#+ mentally im not doing alright ive been battling with ocd since i was 10 but its getting hard so it doesnt help with my anxiety either#i have constants heart palpitations since 2 years ago bc of anxiety and these 2 days ive been feelings useless for not going to school#but i dont feel strong enough and im scared of going out its like everything's too much right now and i know itll get better#it always does#but i had a huge anxiety attack this evening and im just so tired physically and mentally i dont even have the energy to care about school#it drains me#i hope i can start some schoolwork tomorrow tho#or else ill have too many stuff to do soon and ill have more anxiety lol#anyways ik no one's gonna read this but i needed to rant#rant
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wtv
#self harm tw#it's funny how much crueler i am with myself now than when i was younger#because ive been shing for hhh idk 8 9 years now#it started as me wanting to punish myself for all the guilty i felt inside#and it went on for a long long time because i just felt horrible and i needed to disappear so things would be alright#but i couldn't kill myself so i just hurt my body instead to try and make up for it#i was sad and scared and confused back then#but now? im just angry. im tired. im fed up of myself#the cuts are much deeper and longer and there's so many more of them#and i just keep doing it#i honestly dont think there's much rhyme or reason for it rn. i just wanna hurt myself bc i hate myself so much i want to fucking die#and yeah maybe ill attempt again but this time ill make damn sure it works#but i still never harm my wrists or anywhere visible#its always my waist/hips/thighs and i never wear shorts or anything above my ankles#like i cant tell u the last time i wore actual shorts or like proper beachwear (i live in the beach) bc my hips are just scars#prob been like 10 years since ive worn swimwear lmfao thanks gender dysphoria and self harm !#but yeah now i just want it to hurt and bleed and make me feel some goddamn thing that inst this fucking void#im so fucking tired dude#what's the point of anything#nothing feels meaningful or real or important enough#im an unlovable broken motherfucker and im fed up of never getting better#oh but u need to stop being so pessimistic then !! suck my dick ive tried pretending i wanted to live and be happy and it never worked#so again whats the fucking point#im done here#dawn.txt
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can someone can twist my arm behind my back until i sit down and eat an actual, full, nutritionally sound meal to completion
#ive had such a hard time eating lately and ive been getting sick again but eating is so unpleasant and difficult#and sometimes helps sometimes just makes me feel sicker but i know not eating makes it worse#and i know the more i put off eating the sicker ill feel and the more trying to eat will maje it worse but i !!!! cant !!!!!!!#i either forget bc my appetite doesnt exist or i feel so sick it takes me hours of barley sipping to finish a cup of broth#and even than sometimes i just get sick!!!! and start puking!! even when im good and when i eat and do everything im supposed to !!!!#ill just wake up and immediately have to hug a toilet until a) it stops long enough that i can keeps my meds down#b) i cant stop puking and i have to go to the fucking hospital to get an IV of anti neasua stuff so i can take my seizure meds#and than i end up there for days longer than i need to bc they ALWAYS find something secondary wrong with me to milk my medicade#sorry rant over for now im so tired of being sick all the time i cant even remember a time i wasnt at least a 2 on a 0-10 neasua scale#and thats a good day tbh#i fucking puke almost once a day and just the fact that it even stops is a massive improvement from last year#but god i just want one day where im not scared im gonna randomly start barfing like someone fed me epicat sryup#or how ever you spell the emergency vomiting drink stuff u know
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Love having to hemorrhage money on fucking ubering to work <3 its sooo great and totally isnt emotionally crushing to have it be a major financial drain
#looked and i literally cant take the bus to work now and i#dont have anyone who could give me a ride so ive been slamming through art stuff for the last few weeks trying to make enough to cover the#costs and like i should feel thankful i guess that im able to do that but i was already burntout and depressed before this and its only#making the burnout worse for me. i fucked up my neck by holding it in a weird position for hours while drawing 2 wks ago and made it even#worse last weekend doing the same thing but i cant really stop and take a break from drawing on the weekends or i won't make enough money#i did download lyft this morning bc its slightly cheaper than uber and im trying to cut costs where i can#i cant cut back and just take it out of my normal paycheck either bc its racking up really fast and if i don't meet my savings goals every#month ill never be able to afford a house which is the only sustainable way im going to have housing in the next 5-10 years bc i know for#a fact in the worst case scenario my sister will kick me out since the house deed will be in her name and she hates me no matter what my mom#says and what promises she says shell hold my sister to. it wont be on paper and after working at my job ive seen time and time again the#same shit happening over and over again#i dont make enough to afford an apartment at all and i dont know anyone looking for a roommate and im terrified#vent
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