#ive been fighting tooth and nail for so long

[iwantedtolive]

I wish carrying on felt at all worth it

[thueenz]

having a malicious entity attached to you is like a game of being surrounded by 50 angry men on xbox all telling you to kill yourself 24/7

[charliethemanticore]

.

[gl1tchxr]

hi so i heard that you have a tragic oc ending. Wellllll im listening :D

it's not really a tragic ending. everything (most everything) turns out ok despite some tragic stuff happening on the way there

(warning for gore/body horror)

Paradox always thought there was so much untapped potential to shapeshifting. sure, anyone with the right magic can change into whatever temporary form they want, but is there any way to make it permanent? to grow back parts of yourself you've lost? to achieve total control over your own body? to become functionally immortal?

he could never try it. not with this weak, flimsy magic afforded to him from his hometown. but now the magic of a god has bonded itself to his heart, and the possibilities open up.

the first trial was a success. all the venom from a snakebite that could kill in a matter of hours, cleansed from his body in a matter of minutes.

the second took some doing. the nasty gash over his face healed easy enough, but repairing the eye was a slow, agonizing process. all that matters is that it worked, in the end, despite the strain.

the third... well it's not really a trial anymore, is it?

it was the magic of a god that finally let him hone his craft. but anything divine is a commodity, and sooner or later someone would come for it. no matter how entangled it was inside him, no matter what collateral would have to be wrought, they would have what they came for. and they took it.

did he ever need divinity? could he become immortal with only the magic he had the whole time? he must somehow be already, he thinks, because his blood keeps running despite the gaping cavity of his chest.

[villainousauthor]

The hero wrinkles their nose at smell of antiseptic wipes, at the cold feel against their skin, as the villain prepares to draw more blood. They've lost count how many vials Villain has taken at this point.

Hero winces, trying to flinch away at the inevitable sharp pinch, and Villain digs their fingers into their arm some more. They press hard, cold hands keeping them still. "If I mess up, I'll have to stick you again." They warn, voice level. Paper crinkles under where Hero sits, the soft sound filling the silence.

Hero keeps their gaze downward, the bright florescent lights over head giving them a headache. You think with how long they've been here, they would have gotten used to the ugly, artificial glare, but they miss the sun.

They look up at Villain through their lashes, who's currently too focused on their current task to notice, eyebrows pinched together as they seem deep in thought.

"I doubt you're even certified to be drawing blood in the first place." Hero ribs, voice quiet, the words light but the humor just quite not there.

Villain snorts, as they finish and pull the IV out gently. "I've seemed to be able to do it fine all these weeks." They apply the cotton bandage to the area, securing it in place, though it's honestly not necessary, the small wound already likely healed.

Hero knows they shouldn't be trying to make Villain laugh, or trying to lighten the tense air that surrounds their every interaction. They should be attempting to escape, should be fighting tooth and nail against the strange experiments their arch nemesis insists on trying, but so many failed escapes and so many weeks without the presence of any other person has them weak for any human contact they can get.

They've almost begun to mistake the way Villain grabs their arm when taking blood, the way Villain's cold hand holds their face still when swabbing their mouth, the way they stand close when checking their vitals, as misplaced forms of affection.

It's pure delusion, Hero knows this, but they crave another persons touch so much they can almost believe it. Thinking about it too much makes their head hurt more than even the obnoxious overhead lights do.

Villain takes their silence as a sign to continue speaking. "Soon enough, I'll find the secret behind how your regenerative abilities work and then I'll be unstoppable." They say cleaning up, and placing the three tubes of blood they took on the tray to their left. Hero's head swirls as they watch the swishing of the dark red liquid.

Facing them again, still standing close, Villain's eyes finally meet Hero's and their voice softens slightly when they say this next part. "I won't have to poke and prod you so much when I do." Their voice is gentle enough that Hero wants to believe them, to trust them.

Hero licks their dry lips, voice cracking slightly. "Will...will you finally let me go once you do?" The question Hero has been avoiding asking this whole time.

The question gives Villain pause, as they seem to consider it for a moment. They step closer, placing their hands on either side of where Hero sits, bracketing them in. "I could...I probably should.." Villain's voice is whisper quiet as they stand inches away, breath fanning over Hero's ear.

"But I think prefer keeping you for myself."

[danyyytarggg]

my many complaints about hotd that no one asked for (i have not read fire&blood):

- isn’t there supposed to be a war going on? besides episode 4, i feel like we’ve only gotten very small snippets of war taking place. give us more snippets of war, death, despair, of the effects of this fight for the throne (besides that of king’s landing) please. even the emotions are off. i wish there was a greater sense of urgency that comes with a war being waged. i feel like jace is the only one capturing this urgency.

- going off of the first point, why isn’t rhaenyra showcasing any of this urgency? or anger? true determination? she doesn’t even do anything and then states something along the lines of “i don’t think i can win this war.” what? why isn’t she fighting tooth and nail for her throne? why isn’t she fueled with more rage that her son was murdered, her throne usurped? i’m sorry but she truly has not been doing anything except begging to go off to fight on syrax which is admirable but very much not helping. she needs to be making moves and barely any moves are being done. and then she complains about the way the others view her. i’m not a fan of her council but also you have to prove them wrong by actions not just by words, and there are no actions but plenty of words on her end.

- rhaenyra’s hesitance to do anything. i understand her hesitance for war but its just been taken way too far in the show. by continuing to paint rhaenyra in a good light by making sure she doesn’t do anything that could be seen as bad takes away from her character and how interesting it could have been.

- overall, not a fan of aegon’s characterization and while i haven’t read fire and blood, from what ive heard about his character in the book, it is infinitely better and more interesting. he’s supposed to be the opponent of rhaenyra and yet his character is very weak and almost brushed aside in favor of a more rhaenyra versus alicent front which makes me upset. i am absolutely not a fan of aegon at all. i truly wish they did not make his character the way they did as it would have been so much more interesting if they went with his book characterization instead.

- daemon. his harrenhal arc was interesting initially but has dragged on far too long. i understand that they’re trying to flesh out a character arc for him however when there are only 8 episodes and a supposed war raging on, spending so much time and energy on this arc seems like mistake when they could have spent this time advancing and fleshing out the war more. if anything, i feel as though it was purposefully done in this way in order to give an excuse to NOT flesh out the war considering the war doesn’t seem very fleshed out in almost any front except for the happenings in King’s Landing. also, he is chasing away all possible allies, which is frustrating.

- the whole “a misunderstanding started the war” is lame. the greens were already in opposition of team black way before this misunderstanding, why is it now suddenly this one misunderstanding is the driving force for what is taking place when it never was before? trying to paint alicent in a good light by making the whole thing seem like a misunderstanding takes away from her character and how interesting it could have been.

- how locationally-isolating the show has been. everything seems so isolated to driftmark-king’s landing-dragonstone-harrenhal. i wish we could see more of what’s going on in westeros

- helaena. her character is nowhere near as present or fleshed out as i would like it to be.

- the way jaehaerys’ and lucerys’ deaths feel very much forgotten. everyone got over the deaths very quickly with little mention besides the first few episodes.

- the overall reactions to rhaenys’ death was underwhelming in my opinion.

- reaction to aegon and sunfyre being injured: team black’s reaction to aegon and sunfyre potentially being dead was underwhelming and further drives the point that despite aegon being the direct opposition to rhaenyra, the writers truly do not view him as a major player at all. team green’s reaction was also so so underwhelming. this is the guy you all have been saying is the true heir to the throne, the whole driving force behind your team’s actions, ambitions, etc - and yet, there’s barely any true, substantial reaction to him being nearly killed. it’s just been overshadowed by aemond’s ambitions and the secret of aemond being the one to nearly kill him and sunfyre. also you guys are basically down a whole dragon and there’s no reaction to that?

- i’m sorry but mysaria x rhaenyra. it’s just the idea that bothers me - the writers can’t give us a proper queen!rhaenyra arc, but they can give us another rhaenyra romance. the show continues to build rhaenyra’s character around her romantic partners. without daemon by her side, i would have liked to see her come to herself and develop without a romantic partner to fall back on. instead, she has another romantic interest to fight her battles (mysaria being the mastermind behind the plans helping rhaenyra win the throne/win over the people of King’s Landing). it just makes rhaenyra seem entirely incompetent on her own.

- alicent x criston cole. i feel like the show has been putting so much attention and tension on alicent’s relationship with criston cole when i would have preferred more focus on alicent’s relationship with her children. also, for a woman who is so strongly against sexual relations outside of marriage, about duty and honor, i feel like showing us exactly how alicent x criston cole came to be is very much important for alicent’s character? instead of showing us that they’re in a relationship without any information on its progression, making it seem so out of character for alicent.

- yeah otto left but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be showing us his POV.

- the very much lack of unity in team green.

- the very much lack of unity in team black.

what i like:

- my girl alys

[hopeless-eccentric]

i dont do a lot of book recs on here (i think ive done one before?) but the Henry Rios books by Michael Nava are so criminally underrated!

They're these mystery novels from the 1980s-1990s about a gay, Latino lawyer (Henry Rios, our protagonist/narrator) solving mysteries--usually while trying to prove his client's innocence. He's a long-suffering idealist written as this kind of hard-boiled detective.

This is actually something the whole series tackles, subverts, and deconstructs in a really interesting way! Instead of being this stoic detective, the archetype gets broken down in a lot of really fascinating and human ways earnestly discussing love, grief, intergenerational trauma, racism, homophobia, illness/disability, toxic masculinity, and substance abuse.

What I love is that these books realize that the hard-boiled detective is stuck in a point of hurt and trauma, and so the Henry Rios series makes a big deal out of fighting tooth and nail to GET BETTER--whatever it takes to improve yourself and your surroundings. While the books maintain a lot of the dark and morose vibe of the original genre (especially given the looming, perpetual grief of AIDS-era queer lit), they always come back to a death match against apathy. It's really moving stuff, especially as the books take this approach to Henry's recovery from alcoholism.

if you're interested in queer history, the books are in touch with queer legal/political history during the HIV/AIDS crisis. The first few books have been rewritten/published as well since Michael Nava's retirement, so I think a comparative reading could be really interesting. For the record, Nava was a civil rights lawyer, so this is all done REALLY well (not to mention the legal drama is engaging, theatrical, petty, gutting, and sometimes hilarious).

if you're interested in detective fiction, they're brilliant deconstructions of the genre. instead of taking the depressed alcoholic white guy with repressed desire for male companionship at face value, the series considers a gay Latino man struggling with machismo, racism and homophobia, intersectional identity, and processing/recovering from grief, childhood trauma, alcoholism, and Catholicism.

Stylistically, the books are smart, poetic, introspective, dark, and witty. There's a lot of suffering, but there are also a lot of intense moments of joy and catharsis that feel really earned.

Also, if you read the rewrites. uh. there's a lot of smut! Happy retirement, Mr. Nava!

[nininikki]

𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐘 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘, 𝐌𝐑. 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐍𝐓 | eren jaeger x black reader

IV. it’s all coming back to me now

✧ summary! — your complicated feelings for eren come to a head during his star-studded ball.

✧ warnings! — alcohol consumption and mentions of it, mentions of sexual activity (piv), mentions of male masturbation, adultery, age gap—reader is 29 and eren is 40, some POV switching, angst

✧ author’s note! — WHEW, it’s here! after looking at nothing but this google doc for the past few days my brain is so damn fried so all i can say is THANK U ALL SM for all your love and for just existing &&& i really hope you like it! 💘🫶🏽💋💋

✧ word count! — 3.6k

14 MAY, SIX MONTHS AFTER THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

“i mean, it sounds stupid now, but…you should’ve seen the man.” mikasa said, her face screwed up in a scary smugness. “from my perspective, at least. it was like…” she took a big gulp of sparkling water down her throat, and chewed on some ice cubes to wash it down. hurt channeled at the network of veins on her neck, and you still hadn’t quite processed the fact that you were the cause for it.  “it was like night and day.”

***

14 SEPTEMBER, TWO MONTHS BEFORE THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION 

“and ms. (y/n), who exactly are you wearing tonight?”

no matter how he tried, eren just couldn’t help the way he stared as you smoothed your hands over the skirt of your dress. it was pink, and just the right shade—the kind that reminded him of soft cotton candy melting on his tongue. the beauty—the grandness—of your ensemble was akin to walking through an entire forest of showering cherry blossoms.

“none other than mugler, of course.” you responded, flashing the oh so lucky reporter an award-winning smile. despite evening shadows that had begun dusting against his front lawn, the flush of crimson crawling over the collar of his leather jacket and peeking at the top of his neck was striking. 

what was he doing? there was an onslaught of guests piling in—all ranging from a-list celebrities to politicians with enough influence to make or break his campaign at any given moment. eren supposed he should care. and he was really, really trying to. had you not been so you, or had he not been so stupid, simply looking at you wouldn’t be such a strain. then, as quickly as that thought crossed his mind, he condemned himself for even allowing it to. he was the reason for his unfaithfulness (or, more technically speaking, his desire to be unfaithful). 

it was he who had fought tooth and nail with his very own resolve after each and every one of your phone calls, trying to keep his hands above the buckle of his belt long enough to rationalize the thoughts coursing through his head. it was he who, no matter how he tried, couldn’t find the will to fight those same temptations under the cold spray of shower water—tugging his painfully erect cock until the faint whisper of your name left his lips and the remnants of his disloyalty trickled down the shower walls. it was eren who wouldn’t be able to get the sound of your laugh out of his head even if he struck it against those same shower walls forever.

just as eren began to take his eyes off you, they landed on his wife, who was just scurrying past nearby and looked utterly delighted to see him. “ah, there you are!” mikasa’s hands found his, and she craned her neck up at him to receive a kiss on the cheek. in the time it took him to oblige her wish, her lips were in perfect position to whisper, “levi wants us to dance later.” against the shell of his ear. he understands then that his mission for tonight is to be married. he was going to sweep mikasa off her feet on the dance floor and laugh with her over a couple glasses of champagne. but first, he was going to kiss her on the cheek and tell her how radiant she looked, because that’s just what good husbands did.

***

“aren’t they cute?” hange cooed in your ear, their watchful eye turned subtly toward eren and mikasa. he was stamping a kiss over her cheek, and then spinning around to assess her outfit. if your lip reading skills served you well enough, he was saying something along the lines of, “you look amazing.”

upon catching mikasa’s diamond wedding ring glinting in the light of the setting sun as she tucked a stray lock of hair behind his ear, you briefly considered choking from the onslaught of bile climbing up your throat. “the cutest.” you chirped out instead. hanged snaked an arm around your waist a little tighter than usual, and you let them. you were gonna need it. “c’mon, i think the party’s heading inside.”

***

the jaeger ballroom was something of a spectacle. carved into the arched, sky high ceilings were designs so ornate they looked to be paintings. opulence filled the air, along with the chipper aroma of freshly poured champagnes and the staticky buzz of tipsy chatter. 

“i can have you five movie deals by the end of the night.” hange hypothesized aloud, their eyes hungrily scanning the throng of stars socializing about. 

“is now really the best time to be pimping me out?”

“honey, i can’t think of a better time than now.” their eyes lit up at the sight of an esteemed director laughing heartily over what couldn’t have been his first glass of champagne. “now, if you’ll excuse me.”

“oh, hange, please,” you half pleaded. the last thing you needed was to be alone with all your thoughts. 

hange only retracted their arm from the comfort of your waist and kissed at your temple. “you’re gonna thank me for this, don’t worry.”

you tried not to let your shoulders drop before the eyes of so many people as you carried yourself over to the bar. it was delightfully vacant and ensconced beneath just enough shadows to grant you a little bit of privacy. as you maneuvered yourself and your dress upon a chair, the memory of eren and mikasa gushing over one another poked and prodded at your brain incessantly, as if with the intention of making it explode behind your skull. 

you couldn’t help but wonder if the glances you two sneaked to one another in public, or the conversations shared during the late hours of the night, or the mutual feelings that surely plagued his thoughts as well as your own, were all just…that. a secret, an affair, a rendezvous. something dirty and scandalous and not meant to purge past the dark of night. 

who were you kidding? of course they were. no matter how little he loved his wife, (although, you couldn’t be a hundred percent sure eren didn’t love mikasa. and that made you feel a little sick) she would still be his wife. and you’d still be…well, you didn’t quite know. 

“hi.” came eren’s voice behind you, accompanied by a tap to your shoulder. you were so nestled within your head that you were hardly even startled. 

in a few lithe strides, he was standing in front of you. “hey, you,” he really did look so perfect tonight. and it didn’t help that he was looking at you like you were perfect too. “how’s your ball going?”

eren’s voice took on a joking air as he surveyed the area. “not too shabby, i’d say.” for whatever reason, when he brought his gaze back to you, they seemed as if they’d never leave. “what about you? what do you think?”

as you pondered over an answer to his question, you couldn’t help but notice the way he took the plush skin of his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment before releasing the now smoothly damp, blushing flesh from its confines. only one word came to mind. “beautiful.”

at that, eren’s eyes pressed shut for a moment before opening again, seemingly miles brighter than before they closed. “that makes me happy to hear.” embarrassingly, your entire body warmed at the lower octave of his voice, and for a moment you hated that he could do this to you. “and, hey, speaking of beautiful things,” he nodded towards you, and if it were possible, his voice was even sexier when he said, “i haven’t been able to stop looking at you all night.”

somehow, your composure was still intact. “is that so?” 

“absolutely.” eren beamed. “if you’ll let me, i’d love a dance with you at some point.” 

as you took a moment to let his words seep into your skin as they always did, his attention was drawn to something on the other side of the room, and without much forewarning, he quickly said, “excuse me, (y/n).” before whisking away. 

***

“put your hands on my hips.” mikasa murmured, and then smiled politely when eren did. he hoped it wasn’t too painfully obvious to the onlookers that mikasa was skilled in ballroom dance and he was not. “everything’s going well. i’ve spoken with investors, and they’ve all seemed promising.”

eren whispered before spinning mikasa in a circle. “good to hear.”

they danced in silence for a few beats until mikasa said, “you could try and look at least somewhat in love.”

eren fought the urge to drop his smile, and spun mikasa into a dip. mikasa’s face came up flushed, smiling, and framed by a few out of place hairs. “really hard to do when you’re in my ear about investors.”

still beaming, she said between her teeth, “well, not everyone can just sit on their asses all day. one of us has to care about your career.” 

“god, you’re unbelievable.”

“am i wrong?”

the song ended, and the pair tried not to make it so obvious they were eager to get their hands off each other. eren could see a tangible effort put in by his wife to keep smiling, no matter how artificial, and he wasn’t sure whether he feared or admired it more.

***

you were out of there. from the moment he took mikasa’s hand and led her out to the dance floor. from the moment he twirled her body around in a graceful little circle. from the moment you watched them look into each other’s eyes in the way only a husband and wife did. you were so out of there.

sneaking away was easy. by now, everyone (including hange, who you could see had now taken to flirting with a random caterer) was drunk off their asses, and likely couldn’t tell you from a can of paint.

once you were outside, breathing began to feel manual. the diamonds around your neck were strangling. the jovial sounds of the party inside still rang in your ears. you weren’t far away enough. so, you ran. you ran through the vast, flourishing garden that lie behind the spacious property. you ran until the soles of your feet ached with each step. you ran until the memory of eren dancing with mikasa didn’t hurt so much.

you didn’t stop until you were in an area ensconced by trees. it’d have been completely dark if not for light emanating from the beaming moon. a tall stone fountain trickled nearby, and you wasted no time sitting on its edge. as your heart tried to climb out of your throat, a late summer breeze swept through the trees and covered your bare shoulders in goose flesh.

you wondered how you would muster the courage to go back to the party. you wondered how you would even find your way back. the gardens were a tall, grassy maze that you had hardly any business running through in the first place.

“(y/n)?” you heard a voice call. or rather, the voice—his voice. you had half a mind to brush it off as some kind of hypothermic delusion until eren smoothed through the entryway. his gaze caught yours from where you sat at the fountain, and incommunicable relief passed his eyes. “there you are,” if there was still any doubt that he was real, it was all extinguished when he wandered into the moonlit area towards you. hands folded politely behind his back, his hair a little messier than usual. “you had me worried for a moment.”

“guess i owe you a dance, then.” you attempted to joke, fighting off the shiver that threatened to rack your limbs.

“you owe me more than that, i think.” the glimmer of the moon made him look like an angel, and the firm tone coloring his voice did nothing to help. “like an explanation, maybe. as to why you’re out here.”

“how’d you even find me?” you challenged. “this place is,” you waved your arms high above your head as if to showcase its size. “massive.”

“i actually own the place, if you didn’t know.” you fought the urge to smile at his wit. eren took his hands from behind his back to unveil a pretty pink chanel heel. he only needed to hold it up for a second to know it was yours. “and i think you dropped something off on the way.”

you pulled up the skirt of your dress to see one foot still clad in its respective heel while the other was only sheathed in your nylon stockings. how much adrenaline had been coursing through your body for you to have not noticed? still inspecting your practically naked foot, you held your hand out to take the shoe from him, but he disregarded it as he kneeled before you. “no, let me.”

there was something especially intimate about this. about how delicate eren was being with you. his hands were big, but so capable of being gentle. the skin of his palms were so warm against your ankles, the tips of his fingers so light against your soles, you almost found yourself giggling at the pleasantness of it.

once he was finished, you stood, admittedly a little too flustered. “thank you.”

he seemed to barely acknowledge it, only nodding as he rose to his feet. “now, are you gonna tell me why you’re out here?”

for what felt like the first time the entire night, you finally allowed your shoulders to sink under all the emotion they had been carrying. “it’s silly.” eren’s gaze was unwavering, but soft nonetheless. he had the kind of eyes that made you want to tell him everything.

you turned your back to him, unsheathing yourself in the warmth of his stare. could eren hear the rapid thumping of your pulse? could he hear it skipping when he said, “i’m sure it’s not.”

“no it’s, uh,” gingerly, you began walking around the fountain, and you could hear his footsteps trailing close behind. “being jealous of a man’s wife, that’s…that’s, um, really stupid of me, actually…” your mouth was clumsy as it fumbled over the words, and you could only conceal the stupidity of your confession with a sardonic chuckle. “i should go.” you whispered, turning to face him again, with no intention of leaving.

“don’t.” eren protested. through your peripheral vision, you saw his hand reach for yours, and you were unsure whether you should flinch away or push yourself closer. 

your voice was a hair away from breaking. “there’s nothing for me out here.” you knew what you were saying. you understood its implications. eren was far from nothing, but he was also a fool if he believed the feelings you shared could ever go beyond this patch of land.

“how could you even say that knowing how i feel about you?” eren braved a step toward you, searching for the passion—the devotion—in your eyes that was so evident in his.

“how you feel about me?” the utter absurdity of it made you laugh, and it was then you registered the moisture building in your eyes. “yeah, like that means anything.” 

“and it doesn’t?” 

“it can’t!” the words escaped you in the form of a bitter, scratching scream. eren’s eyes only softened. “you’re married, so it can’t mean anything.”

“i think,” absolutely nothing could prepare you for the feeling of his fingertips brushing against yours. once, twice, then three times. something about each little touch made it a bit more real. now, your feelings were more than that. now, he was touching you. “i think it already does.”

it all happened so fast. you barely got the chance to think, this is such a bad idea before his fingertips were skating briskly up your arm and both of his hands—so big, and oh so capable—were on either sides of your neck. caressing the skin there, assessing the thunder of your pulse, pulling you closer until the tips of your noses brushed against one another.

the first syllable of his name left your mouth in a choked whimper, and that was all you could let before eren kissed you. 

soft. that was the only possible word. his lips were tender and sticky with champagne. you could tell he was testing your waters first—brushing his lips against yours ever so gently, allowing you to get a taste of one another before he went in for the kill. he planted a soft one on your bottom lip, then another when you felt yourself trembling. then he was at your top lip—also trembling with newborn nerves but still just as eager. “tell me to stop and i will.” eren breathed into your mouth.

you considered it for a moment. you considered letting the warmth of his hands leave your skin, letting him go back to the party, letting him leave you. his eyes were serious, and you could tell he was considering it too. you closed your eyes, grazed your lips over his just a fraction or so, and that was all the answer eren needed.

when he took your lips properly for the first time, it felt as though they were no longer yours. eren kissed you passionately, slowly, as if kissing was all you would ever be able to do. and you let him. as his tongue slipped between your already parted lips, you let yourself get lost in the champagne taste that lingered on it. you let him kiss you for so long that you’d started to get dizzy from how little you were breathing. and you loved it.

you loved having his mouth on you. you loved little wet sounds that emanated whenever he took his lips off yours. you loved how he was holding you—one hand at your nape and the other cupping your jaw. you loved how good he was making you feel. “eren, more.” you had managed to say between kisses.

and it seemed he was more than happy to oblige. he took his lips over your neck as if they belonged there, nipping and sucking at that same frenetic pulse point like he was hungry for it—hungry for you. you held his hair back as he worked down your neck and over your collarbones. eren’s eyes darkened as he smoothed his lips up and down the valley between your breasts. not yet kissing, but running his mouth over the delicate skin. “can i kiss you here?” he asked, voice muffled by desire as he palmed your left breast.

“uh-huh,” you nodded, and eren had dropped down on one knee for better access. smoothly, you maneuvered the straps of your dress off your shoulders just in time for eren to pull you in. 

his hands on your waist, his tongue making busywork over your pert left nipple, his name on your lips. “you like it when i touch you here?” he asked, the tip of his nose nudging the spot where his mouth had just been. you nodded again.

eren took a hand that had been on your waist and let it drop over your ankle. “what about right here?” then that hand was moving up your calf. “and here?” towards the back of your knee. “you like this too?” up the doughy flesh of your thigh, where he took his time fondling the nylon-covered skin. “oh, yeah, i know you like this.” he murmured as you squirmed.

“you’re so warm,” eren groaned as his remaining joined the other under your dress, both kneading your thighs whilst teasing the skin between them. the tip of his thumb grazed over the crotch area of your stockings and you shivered. “can i feel you here?” 

yes. the answer was so obvious that you’d hardly felt the need to say it. just as your mouth began to open around the response, a monstrous clap of thunder roared across the sky, followed by a burst of lightening, which was then followed by gentle rainfall.

it was like the rain had been trying to sober you. all the warmth, all the lust, all the irrationality—all rinsed away by the rain and its growing freneticism. hurriedly, you readjusted the shoulders of your dress and helped eren to his feet. “we should get out of here.” you sighed, swallowing a gulp. “before we get too wet.”

eren only nodded, his hands having settled on your waist. you waited for him to take them off, for the moment to be over, for your need to touch him to finally dissipate. you waited and waited, and it seemed he was doing the same.

finally, eren moved to slip his suit jacket off his shoulders and set it carefully over yours. “here, let me,”

“you shouldn’t.” you tried, already attempting to shrug the expensive material off of you.

eren persisted, “i want to.” as he tugged it over you more securely. “now, let’s get out of here.”

***

it was only eleven o’clock. the rest of the party, still inside and blissfully ignorant to the rain, weren’t there to see eren escort you into your car. 

“is your manager still in there?” eren asked once you were nestled safely in the backseat.

how angry would hange be if you left them there for the remainder of the night? how angry would they be if you pulled them away from a good party (and potentially even better money) just because you’d gotten a little carried away with eren in his garden?

“i’ll call them in the morning.” you decided.

tags ✧��*°࿐ — @nyanglock @beyondsuki @punkologist @taylarxse @ittostan @rensbby @madsoncrack @shawtynoire @braxxinterlude @kai7911

© NININIKKI. do not translate, copy, or modify my works in any way shape or form.

[eggybug]

guess what time it is! its end of season 4 thoughts time!!!!

they are going to be a lot more insane and outta order than in the past

1. the entire season they were yelling at us that lilith was the final seal and it pissed me off jfc

2. i forgot what it was like to lowkey hate sam, i hate it.

3. so cas was in love the whole time, right? RIGHT. like i know ive been ranting about it all season but are you KIDDING me

4. ruby is a bitch and i hate her so bad. but she was in it for the long game thats for damn sure

5. im REALLY not looking forward to the whole "sam gets haunted by lucifer" bit

6. i love cas, i really do, but he looked right in deans eyes, knew that he was doing this shit to him, and did it anyway. like he was probably tortured by the legions of heaven, but goddamn it

7. when i start making cain and abel comparisons all next season, i don't wanna hear shit about it. itll be my bout of insanity and i apologize in advance

8. i fuckin LOVE bobby

9. no body liked john winchester, they loved him, but they hated the son of a bitch

10. i never got to the point where chuck became TRULY the worst guy ever, but i know we as a fandom hate him, so i hate him.

11. i think demons eat babies and i don't know how i feel about that

12. i don't know who i hate more, uriel or zachariah. maybe im glad cas killed all the angels

13. like i get it but HOW did it take dean so long to realize heaven wanted the war too. they disappeared for weeks while lilith was breaking seals like a bull in a damn china shop

14. they keep doing that thing where one of the capital A angels does something shameful to dean, or dean questions his faith in the "Plan" and the camera cuts to cas looking like a sad puppy

15. ik ive said it 1000 times but goddamn those stupid lil boys need therapy

16. GABRIEL WAS TRYING TO WARN THEM, HE WAS TRYING AND HE COULDNT. THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU GABEY!

17. hey, in the last episode they killed a bunch of nuns, which like damn

18. back to sam, his dumbass really fell for the devil on his shoulder bit jfc

19. like i understand camera work, but two straight men don't stand that close to have a conversation. they just don't.

20. hey sammy, you throw a lady in a trunk, you stop being the good guy

21. at any point did they just consider... not doing that. maybe perhaps, waiting a week?

22. there was a thing with the mirrors and zachariah in the last ep, wasn't there? like that wasn't unintentional. mirrors are notoriously terrible to work with, that can't be unintentional.

23. i love that biblical fanfiction always somehow ends with an angel, a demon, and a human coming together to stop heaven and hell playing out a war on earth.

24. spn just proved you can't leave a bunch of corporate assholes in charge of a planet.

26. im really not looking forward to sam whining about starting the apocalypse for a whole season.

27. dean fighting tooth and nail for cas to see the truth in humanity. to find faith outside of heaven. cas seeing that and it breaking his morale a little bit more and more every time. cas repeatedly seeing dean, perfect vessel, perfect soldier, dean be willing to lose the promise of heaven, of peace for his little bit of humanity. it broke cas. and dean keeps begging cas to see it too. and they're going to drive. me. INSANE.

28. "we're done" those were the exact words dean said to cas.

29. so cas and dean can talk without saying anything, and i hate to say that means they're in love... but thats exactly what that means.

30. cas did it! he broke his faith, he sacrificed himself for dean. and now they're gonna kiss (ik they don't kiss but a boy can dream)

31. have i mentioned that sam pisses me the FUCK off! like yeah i blame ruby but goddamn.

32. this season was hell in a handbasket, jfc (no ounce intended)

omg! season for is done!! woooo! onto the most annoying and lowkey painful season ever! my takes and thoughts for season 5 are going to be annoying, so be prepared !

[ssphiree]

not to dsmp post in the year 2025 but ive been sitting on this take for 4 years and i have to get it out of my system. i never joined the fandom online back then when it was all happening bc of how wild the community could be sometimes but ive been sitting on this for SO long n its been long enough i think

c!ranboo was one of my absolute favourites and i loved him SO much but heavily disagreed with one thing from him

on doomsday (one of the doomsdays bc there were like 3 or something) he had that moment where he ended up yelling at everyone over taking 'sides' and why they all had to be fighting & why couldnt we all just be neutral and peaceful instead of splitting into separate distinct opposing teams etc etc etc and i can almost kind of see how hed have a point - however there are issues with that standpoint SUCH AS -

lets look at the two sides: on one you have the strongest most skilled people decked out head to toe in the most absolute top of the chain gear - c!dream, c!techno & c!phil, whose aim is to absolutely and completely decimate l'manberg with their withers and obsidian bomb dispenser they have spanning across the entirety of the whole place

on the other side you have the people who have nothing. those were just kids trying to keep their homes, and they had nothing to fight with after the other side raided all their gear and got rid of it all. they fought tooth and nail to keep their homes time and time again with the odds stacked higher and higher against them each time

imo l'manberg had 3 main people involved that really contributed to its downfall, & only one was there on doomsday - c!dream. the other two were c!wilbur & c!schlatt. they were the big 3 involved in the l'manberg politics who were adults & not children following orders/defending themselves (which is why i dont include c!tommy/c!tubbo etc in that list). they were the corrupt power hungry quote unquote "politicians" (for lack of a better word) that projected all their issues onto everyone else and dragged them all into it

(if you squint you could technically include c!eret in that list, but imo in reality they were really only just another pawn for c!dreams big game of chess as a way to pitt the opposition against each other & gain power over them, c!eret never really had actual power/rule over anyone or anything they just lived in a castle and took c!dreams word for it. also they redeemed themselves and rejoined the freedom side anyway)

lets start with c!wilbur - he was very manipulative, he liked having control & he craved power but there wasnt really an opportunity for it, so he built the van and attempted to start a potion 'empire' by seizing control over a commonly used item (brewing stands) to gain leverage over the more powerful players. he dragged other vulnerable & generally powerless people (yknow, like children) into it & used them as his building blocks to the top. c!tommy is the biggest victim of this from him. once the potion empire thing stopped working out thats when he shifted the narrative to the freedom-fighting-rebellious nation we came to know l'manberg for. he sparked that (he sparked it & the others kept it alive because they really believed in it and really believed in him) and at first i think he to an extent genuinely did believe in it and really did want freedom for him and his people with little to no other conscious intentions, but the subconscious want for power was always there and bubbled to the surface as he spiralled really far into corruption in the pogtopia arc (what started as "a special place where men can go and emancipate the brutality and the tyranny of their rulers" became "IF I CANT HAVE L'MANBERG NO ONE CAN PHIL")

then c!dream - even from before l'manberg he was fighting c!tommy over his music discs, & i guess that just cemented c!tommy as the no1 enemy in his brain for the rest of time even though c!tommy was really just a loud kid trying to get by. he was also power hungry and wanted to keep all the power he had so he felt threatened by the formation of l'manberg. other less powerful people taking some level of control & separating themselves from him startled him, especially with c!tommy involved in the opposition. he knew he was the most powerful on the server & didnt want anyone else to forget that so he consistently used fear and force to remind the others how much stronger he was than them, the main victims being l'manberg and its citizens as they were the first and biggest group to rebel against him (and the group with c!tommy in it but thats neither here nor there). he struggled to accept the idea of people having some kind of autonomy to lead a life separate from the server he ruled over (he even said blatantly he would never think of l'manberg as free, only that he would let them delusionally believe they were free in his discussion with c!tommy)

and c!schlatt was just your run of the mill big bad in your face power hungry corrupt politician. he wasnt super manipulative or anything similar to the other two, he was just an evil dude that, again, was power hungry and corrupt like c!wilbur and c!dream. he dragged others into it by using c!quackity to gain leverage in the election via votes, and by keeping the citizens of l'manberg manberg under his crazy authoritarian control and he did that pretty much mostly out of enjoyment and greed. he liked that he intimidated the people around him and frequently used that to his advantage because it amused him

it was those 3 that created the us vs them dynamic & pitted everyone else against each other by creating 'sides' because they were the ones who wanted the power, and they were the ones who dragged everyone else into their conflicts. they were greedy and self centred and made that everyones problem

ones like c!techno & c!phil arent included in that list because they were never greedy for power over other people, they were just people who happened to be powerful. they mostly just kept to themselves in their little cottages but because of the perceived rivalry that was created by the Big 3 and then projected onto everyone else, they declared l'manberg to be the problem. even though c!schlatt and c!wilbur were out of the picture by that point, their actions had left the repuatation of l'manberg tainted from the perspective of those outwith the country itself, whereas the people left behind in it (like c!tommy & c!tubbo etc etc) just saw it as their home, just the place that they lived in and had built their lives. the others outside had grown to view l'manberg as the cause for all the servers problems because of the way it separated itself from the rest of the server and was another thing, and because of the actions of the corrupted leaders itd began with (and also - l'manberg was really the only place for people to fight for power over with the political system it had set up, no one really ever challenged c!dreams position of power over the rest of the server, only within l'manberg at least until that final disc battle)

it was very much a punch up vs punch down dynamic that people like c!techno and c!phil and even c!ranboo couldnt really see, because they all lived comfortably with powerful top of the chain gear far away from all the main conflict, and none of them were actually present for the beginnings of the conflict. none of them were present to witness the disc war or the formation of l'manberg, they were never there to hear c!dream tell c!tommy that hed never see them as free from him as c!tommy handed him the disc. they joined at the height of it all where the two "sides" were already very distinct and at war with each other

c!techno joined at the point of c!schlatt being in charge of l'manberg and at that point he was helping the underdogs because in that moment c!tommy and c!wilbur asked for his help and shared his goals - to overthrow a tyrannical corrupt government. then c!wilbur, knowing full well he was right about to blow up the country within the next few minutes, shoveled all the power and responsibility of the country over onto a kid (c!tommy, who then immediately handed it back to him & then he immediately handed it over to c!tubbo). by the time c!phil joined c!tubbo was already president (& had only been for like five minutes) and c!wilbur was in the midst of blowing up the country (note - c!wilbur had the presidency and had l'manberg under his rule again, he chose to hand it off to c!tubbo and then carry out his plan to blow it up while telling c!phil "if i cant have this no one can")

c!techno was never there to see the way l'manberg itself began as a challenge to a tyrannical rule (because although c!wilbur was manipulative and corrupt and power hungry, ultimately he did have a leg to stand on with his methods which is why it worked so well for him and why he was so easily able to paint that picture of oppression - the canvas was already sketched and lined) and continued to exist as a rebellion against an even worse system than itself. at that point c!wilbur was still seen as the 'good guy' who just wanted freedom for his nation from the tyrannical authoritarian rule of c!dream, so c!schlatt suddenly coming into power was a sharp left turn government wise, and c!techno just joined right at that sharp left turn moment where the big bad evil government had just came in and made some significant differences. differences not only in the economic system of l'manberg but also tainting the core values that once held the citizens of it so high and hopeful against corruption. so c!techno never saw that rebellious freedom fighting nation that l'manberg started off as and was supposed to always be, he only saw it as the nation with the corrupt government

c!phil was in a similar situation, he also never saw it as that rebellious freedom fighting nation and only saw the damage that the power hungry corrupt people had done to it. he joined right at the crucial moment and only saw the conflict and damage surrounding the country of l'manberg. because of this he ended up adopting the perception that the place itself was the problem if it was causing this many issues this severe. he failed to notice that after c!wilbur and c!schlatt were both out of the picture the problems between l'manberg specifically and the rest of the server were only being revived on c!dreams end, and c!tubbo as the new leader of l'manberg did not start conflicts (although the butchers army is a whooole other ballgame but thats not what this post is about - that was mainly spearheaded by c!quackity- who is again a whooooole other post)

if c!tommy hadnt declined the presidency then c!dream wouldve been slightly more justified in having a go at l'manberg as a whole for the whole burning-down-c!georges-house-thing, but ultimately it seemed more like he just wanted to flex his power over them even more. just as another reminder he could tear them down any moment he wanted to without a single second thought- he used it as A. another opportunity to keep the citizens of l'manberg fearful of him (almost like a kind of "remember whos really in charge here" type deal - again think back to he & c!tommys original negotiations of freedom in the og revolution) and B. another opportunity to punch down on c!tommy specifically (exile arc is another whooooole other post), he was given an inch and he took a mile. c!tommy explicitly stated that the reason he did not take the presidency was specifically so that any business/issues with c!dream would stay exclusively between him and c!dream without dragging the rest of l'manberg into it but c!dream ignored that entirely

c!ranboo joined right at that moment, of c!dream enforcing his power over l'manberg, but he saw c!tommy technically strike first with burning down c!georges house. he didnt see all the previous strikes c!dream had made on c!tommy & l'manberg. he just saw c!tommy make a move and then saw c!dream make a move back, therefore creating a back and forth rivalry dynamic which, in his eyes, could easily just cease if theyd stop pitting against each other and lived peacefully. he doesnt seem to notice just quite how corrupt and power hungry c!dream really is especially when it comes to c!tommy and l'manberg, he only notices different people teaming up to fight against each other & not a case of oppressed vs oppressor. c!ranboo, like c!phil and c!techno has never really had too much of an issue with getting a hold of good armour and weapons and equipment, and hasnt really had anyone like c!dream stand in his way to take everything from him the way everyone in l'manberg has. c!ranboo has had issues with c!dream and has been used by him (another whooooole separate post), but he seemed to focus slightly less on the 'c!dream using any tactic available to him to enforce his power on everyone' side of things and moreso the 'what is wrong with me i need to figure out why this is possible for him to do this to me' side of things

theyve all heard about all the wars and conflicts etc from before they all joined, but they struggled to fully really empathise and actually see it from the others perspectives. this is why c!ranboo was wrong in his view on 'taking sides' on doomsday

[tonydaddingham]

Just whacking this out there, but I mean, much as I do think the "past exploits" comment serves as a warning about Heaven's rules/standards, and reach, and the fact that they've exposed Aziraphale's 'crimes' - sort of a 'you know what we expect from your conduct, and you've been continually stepping way out of line, and we're choosing to overlook it for now, but know that we know, and that we will know about future missteps as well, that we don't approve and could still intervene' flung out there for no immediate particular purpose, just to serve as a reminder - by and large, I find the whole restoration offer thing much more bribe than threat, and, well, frankly, personally, I'd consider a bribe of such proportions more concerning than any threat could have been, no?

hello lovely!!!💕 i think ive shared my thoughts on this in dribs and drabs over multiple posts but no harm in going over it again, fuck it-

essentially, i completely agree with you. splitting those two parts of the conversation into two, i definitely see the first part as a warning, and simultaneously an unspoken threat:

what particularly speaks to me is how the metatron hesitates over both 'previous exploits' and 'partnership', as if he's specifically searching for the right turns of phrase. trying to make light of it, keep it friendly and unassuming. but the small, smirky, private smiles, compared to aziraphale's reaction of flitting eyes and tight lips - it feels like metatron is playing a cat-and-mouse game... the guise of it being that it's all a great opportunity, but truthfully they both recognise the unspoken threat is there

(but - to clarify - i don't think the metatron realises that aziraphale has seen it as a threat. ie the metatron thinks he's being slicker than he actually is, when aziraphale is very much able to read between the lines).

i remember making the comparison in a meta somewhere but it just simply strikes me that - if we're continuing with the 'sleeper/secret agent in the height of the cold war' allegory - the metatron is playing the part of the seedy villain that is doing the 'i've been watching you all along, i know precisely what your pressure point is and why' bit that we all know and love from any kind of dramatised espionage story.

essentially, as you said, "we could still intervene" - ie. 'dont think that i haven't seen every single thing, because i have. i know how deep this 'partnership' runs'. there doesn't even need to be an allusion to what metatron could do with this breadth of knowledge - just simply that he has the knowledge is enough, and aziraphale can draw his own horrific conclusions quite easily, even if they never come to fruition.

(on an intertextual level, metatron kinda reminds me of how i'd imagine karla to be - from the john le carré novels... a little bit, idk.)

now as for the second part; the restoration thing:

i completely agree - this absolutely feels like a bribe. 'i know crowley is your pressure point, and you'll fight tooth and nail coming back without him in tow, so im going to offer it to you - this amazing opportunity that you can graciously bestow upon him! "go tell your friend the good news!"'

the metatron may well be disguising a threat in the exchange, but i do think that he believes aziraphale to have taken the offer to return to heaven at face value, in earnest, and therefore he believes that he has aziraphale squarely under his thumb (and none the wiser for it). however, i personally think aziraphale may be constructing his own hasty game - ie. using the offer as an opportunity to "make a difference" as he and crowley would see fit... but the spanner in the works was that crowley refuses to come with him to play on 'their side' in this little counter-game he's trying to devise.

in terms of functionality of bribe vs. threat - absolutely, a bribe promises a greater yield. threats only work so long as it's a) inescapable enough, b) serious enough, and c) the threatened person is sufficiently scared enough that they won't toe out of line. which may well be effective in getting someone to comply, but the problem with making people scared of you or hate you, is that then they all secretly want to see you ruined or destroyed.

bribe someone, however... give them something that they might have always wanted (or, as i think is the case for aziraphale - gives them the opportunity to give another what they've always wanted), and you have a greater chance of having an ally in them forever, someone forever indebted to you.

i definitely think this is where the metatron's reasoning lies. instead of threatening crowley's life, so to speak, he's offering him the chance essentially to defect - and that's way more appealing to aziraphale and likely to get him to fall in line.

for me though, it's all a gross underestimation of aziraphale on the metatron's part. i will die on the hill where aziraphale sees through what the metatron is saying - has indeed read between the lines where he doesn't have a choice one way or another - but chooses to play the part that the metatron expected him to play (of marginalised-angel who is actually the-very-kind-of-angel-heaven-needs, and therefore very-grateful-to-given-the-top-job-thank-you) so that the metatron will keep underestimating him. bribe or not, aziraphale did not want to go back to heaven... but if he doesn't have much of a choice regardless, he's going to make it work for him.

now this ask has led me to another thought: i do wonder if the restoration is actually a thing? ie. the metatron wasn't bluffing, it's actually possible.

the metatron is putting an awful lot of bank on crowley saying no, when by all accounts - even if the metatron was directly involved in crowley's fall - the metatron doesn't actually know him... right? he likely knows that crowley is resentful and angry still at having fallen, and the unfairness of the whole shebang, but does that guarantee that crowley wouldn't want to take the restoration offer? id hazard no - so the metatron has to have a failsafe for either eventuality.

either crowley says no, and aziraphale is left broken-hearted/rejected, and that suits metatron fine because then he has aziraphale ridden of crowley's influence. alternatively, crowley returns, and is restored!

...but is restored to the same position as he was when he fell - essentially like restoring a backed-up file where the last save point was ~millions of~ years ago... and that would suit metatron fine also, because then crowley is simply not crowley anymore. plausible deniability on the metatron's part too, for the latter option - 'restoration has never happened before, didn't know what to expect, but you've gotten what i promised you!' idk, interesting thought

[kravisaweeb]

okay ive just been thinking about bkdk wayy too much recently (when am i not, though, honestly?) and i just Have to dump my thoughts somewhere. these are my own personal opinions and if you don't agree 100% (or at all) that's perfectly fine!

it's kinda Long and Rambly so beware lmao

so ive been reading more bkdk meta (of course) and like, i have so many conflicting feelings cause. y'all, no amount of evidence and logic and reasoning and thematic and narrative parallels and development and arc conclusions and build-up and Everything will make a weekly shonen jump main title gay. that's My opinion as a terribly bitter cynic, and it is in no way meant to rain on other people's parades (if you think they will be canon, you are more optimistic than i and are making the world a sweeter place). I've just been burnt too many times, i don't really expect anything from mainstream media At All—only indie content gets my unfiltered hype and hopes—and whenever things do shake up differently from what i thought, it's a nice surprise! cause the alternative is, This Mountain of Evidence and Development... and then oops get hit with the straightification beam on the last second.

"but it would be so unsatisfying! and completely out of nowhere! and just plain out of character! and ignore so much development! and it wouldn't make any sense at all with what has been established in the story!" Yeah. i know! im as angry and annoyed and disappointed about it as anyone. and yet, so many fucking times, that's how it goes. it would be terrible, and weird, and completely against everything that's been set up, and yet it would happen anyway. this is true even for things that are not shipping-related—ask game of thrones how it ended. cause executives are Executives everywhere, including the "west", which is """"supposedly"""" more liberal (lol, lmao). people with money that make all the decisions force creatives to comply, or fight with tooth and nail and blood and sweat and tears into allowing them to make the story they DO want to make. so it's really hard for me to see it in any other light, when i have seen it happen so many times before.

and yet.

And Yet. i cant help but think, but wonder—what is it all for then, anyway??

i can honestly say, taking off my shipping goggles for a moment, bkdks platonic relationship has ended. it really ended two years ago, culminating when bkg took a bullet for him, and then was cemented when he apologised, you know, to trample down any doubts. there we go, narrative concluded! from rival to best friend. all loose threads tied in terms of their relationship. if that's how it had ended, how it had stagnated, remained in stasis, with this New Dynamic the new canon going into the final battle then show over. yeah. typical shonen bestie stuff. it would have ended and i would have gone "oh they were in LOVE fr" forever, but knowing that people who were like "this is what besties are like! this is what siblings are like!" also had as much of a claim to their interpretation as mine (even if i didn't personally agree w it lmao)

BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THERE and i have to ask why???? WHY is it more central i Don't Get It. i dont understand? i really dont get it cause.... why? bkg is important to deku, yes. other people are also important to deku (all might, his mom, his other friends, civilians, any lost pet he has to kill himself over cause he is a Good Caring Shonen Protag). that has been established for forever. so i don't rly understand the necessity to further highlight that One part of his personality (caring about kacchan) to motivate him into fighting the Big Bad Villain, when 1. he would've fought the villain anyway cause that's what heroes do, and 2. it could have been a generic "you hurt my friends!!" and like lump in more people there, like in the first war arc where several people got hurt (aizawa, gran torino, etc).

but No! you hurt that guy. that guy, that while he was dying, the villain, textually, explicitly says, "i am hurting you because it will make deku angry and sad, since you are his most important person" (that's almost a fucking quote im basically QUOTING here). and it's like, what? lmao wait. what?? why???

what is it building up towards?? i dont get it. it's not going to build up to the apology/their relationship being mended (what we thought would be the climax of the whole thing), cause that already happened. there's no "oh my god if kacchan dies he'll never get to say sorry!" stakes, or "oh my god if deku fails he'll never be able to be friends with kacchan again!" stakes, cause like, that already did happen though. i mean i know obviously in real life, you do things for people just for their sake, not because of what it will mean for your narrative arc. but this is a made up story and thus needs storytelling reasons for shit to happen. so what is the reason for deku needing to be pushed, needing to be backed into a corner, over kacchan dying? why did bakugo have to die (had to get FRIDGED, it's a trope and everything), if not so that his death would fuel dekus rage (which we were told explicitly was the reason why)? why, out of everyone on the battlefield, out of everyone in the CAST, did it have to be bakugo, the one to make deku Lose It?

i mean we know why, but still. what? is it really, textually, canonically That?

i just don't get it. and secretly, deep deep inside, i really hope we get to find out soon

[tauforged]

You’ve got asks off on your sideblog (unsure if intentional?) so I’ll ask here… You mentioned a few times that you aren’t normally into the sort of stuff you were doing with the Cavalero pic, and I’m super curious; what changed it? Is it a “no lasting consequences” thing since he can’t die, or is just that he specifically makes the difference for you? I hope I’m not coming off as accusatory or anything, I’m not trying to “gotcha” you on this, I’m just always fascinated with picking apart where The Appeal is when it comes to weird kinks/things I’ve never been personally into :3 You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want, and I hope you’re having a nice day!

i really appreciate how formally and politely you worded this anon as if it were a letter you were writing by hand and sending to my home. no sarcasm it’s a delightful visual and it’s making me chuckle

THAT SAID! i’m answering this here instead of on my alt mostly out of laziness but also because to be entirely honest? ive also been thinking about this pretty much nonstop since yesterday and i genuinely have no idea. the cause of the madness that briefly consumed me for those few hours is a mystery i’ve yet to unravel. I think it’s just something about him as a character and his whole situation that really compels me because it’s entirely contained to him in my mind. i have no desire to see it in any other context. it’s not even really something I’M into so much as i so strongly feel that it’s something HE’S into, so as a consequence of wanting him so bad it makes me look stupid, im just enjoying it because he’s clearly having a great time. that’s how i feel about a lot of stuff honestly it all hinges very heavily on whether or not the involved parties are enjoying themselves. that, and the whole “oh fuck, that’s new. i don’t know when those wires got crossed in my brain but something is definitely happening here” type situations are very appealing to me.

honestly the more i think about it the more im coming to the conclusion that giving him (gestures) All That on top of the baggage he’s already struggling with would ABSOLUTELY make him worse. i’m kinda okay with that though because part of what compels me about him just as a character is the fact that there’s So Much Wrong With Him… i do think laz would try to get him to ease up on the heavy stuff but they’d butt heads on it a lot. what gets me about cav is it’s not even a “he doesn’t want to get better and fights tooth and nail every step of the way” situation, it’s a “he’s too fucking stubborn to accept that anything is even wrong in the first place and insists that he’s fine and tries to brute force his way into making that reality” thing. that joke i made about him saying shit like “i’m handling this great. i’m perfectly fine and normal. excuse me for a second” and then leaving the room and immediately shooting himself wasn’t even a bit, i think he genuinely believes that this is working for him since there are no long term consequences for his actions in this regard. he doesn’t have anything to work on in his mind, he’s actually doing great and this is a valid coping mechanism and everyone else is just making it weird all the time. what else is he supposed to do about it, have FEELINGS? absolutely not.

i totally lost the plot on this but i hope you get the idea

[jeneelestrange]

An avalanche of unnecessary work is the point. You see this with insurance companies too. The benefits documents for SSI we get are like, “Send any proof of condition from birth to today for this condition that you don’t even treat because you’re a specialist.” We can get uhhhhh ten dollars for that time and mass of paper…if we think it’s worth the time getting going after it, which it isn’t.

Insurance companies do this as well—deny a medication and not even accept a prior authorization(which takes hoohoo A LOT OF TIME ALSO) but only a peer-to-peer. So a doctor—whose schedule is already so overloaded they’ll be late to their own funeral and many skip lunches—have to wait on the phone and speak to the insurance company’s evil sellout doctor who is paid to deny things. Which who knows how long that will take—I’ve seen some PAs take literally hours on the phone. Not the person whose job it is to handle insurance issues. Only the doctor—it’s like demanding that all enemy fire be answered with a nuke, or demanding some hardcore IV drip antibiotics for every cold. But if the patient complains to the insurance company they get, “Well ALL that had to be done is your doctor to just call us!!!” The innocent act is BULLSHIT—their official notification paperwork to patients makes it sound like all we have to do is click a button and it’s immediately approved, no idea what’s taking so long :(

The doctor’s office is not compensated for this!!! An avalanche of unnecessary paperwork is basically a, “You really think this is necessary? Well prove it! If it’s truly necessary you’ll do it at the expense of yourself!”You know why some doctors refuse certain insurances even though the corporation has graciously decided we can be in their network? Because they’re SHIT and will fight us tooth and nail for every prescription, every test, every procedure—and even then, some of them “cover” something and the payout is ridiculous. Will $5 pay for a pair of diabetic shoes???? Fuck no! NO business can operate like that! And like it or not, the MA who spends hours on the phone with insurance needs to keep her lights on and pay for groceries even though her years of experience only entitles her to the same salary as someone who works at Walmart

So when you get a new insurance and don’t understand why practically NO doctors are in-network, it’s because your insurance is so shit it’s a fucking parasite that would suck your doctor’s office dry. Are there doctors who overtreat out of greed? Yeah, but not ALL OF THEM

The point of paperwork is to gum up the works, make it onerous on everyone so it only goes to who “”really needs it”, to maximize the amount of overworked and underpaid MAs who look at it and say, “For that? I have too much to do already and I don’t get paid enough for this.” Its never about making sense—I’ve seen insurance companies send out a PA for a GENERIC STATIN to a CARDIOLOGIST and demand that we prove the patient has high cholesterol—oh shit, thank god for that PA, we’re just total idiots and were prescribing it for headaches, we just do shit for no reason lol!!!!! And they’ll do the same thing—we already approved it and you’ve been on this drug for years? Well you have to submit a PA again. In the meantime the patient has no medicine so better make it snappy!!!!

FUCK means-testing. It impoverishes all of us

the government "checking in" on disabled people to make sure were still disabled is one of the most demeaning and humiliating things out there, how is there no checkbox that says "this persons disability is lifelong and incurable" why do you think people's amputated limbs will grow back, are you on the hunt for the return of jesus christ and your way of catching him is hoping that the blind will see again????

[jazstudios]

i think i might be just. actively- (whatever the present tense of derealization is) lol

starting to actually dawn on me that this is the only one life we'll (probably) have. the delusions ive been having are dying and im only left to quake at the sight of reality on the horizon and the fact i am so severely underprepared for everything lmao.

ive got the basic outlines out though, basically "work to give my family a good life" to make up for having to put up with me and my mistakes all throughout the years

basically- amount of shitty things they've had to put up with me because of me = the amount of good and joy they'll have in life which im gonna fight tooth and nail to give them. of course i aspire to give them even more yk, but this is the base minimum lmao. tho atp in time even that much is an uphill battle. lol

nothing feels real. right now. and aside from parents doing their normal fighting and one (mom lol) threatening to divorce/run away cuz she for some reason thinks dad cheated on her lmao?

dont worry, he didnt actually lol. this sounds like mad coping, but im being sincere when i say this lol

at first i thought it would actually kill me. ya know. this whole thing? not knowing if that day will the be the last straw for her? if that's the day when my family falls apart? then that thinking leads to "ohh but ur childhood is just a flowery experience that existed solely to you! the experience was entirely different for your family and they maybe dont even look back on those years as fondly as you do! your being delusional again, stop it" then it spirals from there lmao

ugh. idk how to phrase it lmao. this fight thing has been going for months, ya know. since like the start of this year. i hate it but what can ya do, when life gives u lemons? u shove the up ur eyeball🍋 yargg. yah

slight silver lining that came out of this though is that im getting a daily reminder that nothing in life is permanent, even your family! and that hey. sometimes love *isn't* enough. and that hey. vulnerability is scary. too scary. you can't ever trust someone with any of that, you'll never fully know someone. acknowledging your loved ones are their own people is acknowledging they can do as they please and that includes them leaving you. i say to myself this won't impact how i interact with love for the rest of my life, and it might not. it also, might. but eh whose to say

it's scary to think about. parents on the news always say they never could've guessed their kids are capable of let's say- murder, ya? they can never guess it. they don't know. no one does, i dont, you dont. you dont know if your tomorrow your mother will do something truly heinous that'll impact you negatively for the rest of your life. maybe, she doesn't mean for it to. maybe she had no choice. but, that doesn't really do much to change the effect it had on ur life yeah?

it's dumb. love will never be enough on it's own without action to back it up, but what if love is all you have? what if it's all you can give? what if holding out your heart to them, begging and pleading for them to not leave you, to please love you again, isn't enough? .

i dont know the answer. if you find out, hmu lmao.

but. idk even if i know this, i follow the same logic that damned me from the beginning. i do smth else that isn't what i know would be better for me in the long run.

long run plan: emotionally distance, i'll still be present, i'll still be hurt, but i wont die. at least. i think?

short term aka now: ive always been too emotional. too loose with my feelings, too easily attached. it sounds like im fucking flexing right now lmao but i swear im not trying to lmao. regard this whole bit with a "/derogatory" lol. i hate it. it's always lead me to make horrible horrible decisions, chase the wrong things, make nothing of myself.

it's hurt me so much but it's also the only comfort i have sometimes. comfort in fictional characters, they aren't real, but i love them. art, fantasy, anything else that isn't whats happening to me right now. ill probably like it.

it took me a while to realize how much of a stupid fucking cycle it is. how much of an addiction it is, essentially. but it's so hard to make the first fucking step forward. i easily imagine how i want to be and such, but again, delusions. lol

in my head. sometimes no time passes. sometimes stuff isn't real. sometimes technoblade didn't die (his always had a shit upload schedule lmao so it's easy, sometimes.). sometimes, i imagine, i can be myself but, better. what i imagine "a lover, artist" but someone you'd actually want to be around. ya know? not awkward. not distant. just, something that isn't me right now

sometimes i imagine i can stay how i picture it. happy, innocent, lovely and emotional. kind and friendly. i always liked pacifist route frisk who found a solution to everything, because of this lmao. even if it was impossible, instead of just accepting it gracefully and letting it remain memory of the past, sometimes i imagine getting ugly about it. barefist fighting against reality, fighting time. fighting the world. and sometimes, i imagine. it actually makes a difference. that it wasn't pointless

i don't know. im losing myself but i dont know if ive ever even knew who i was. was i ever anything more than failed expectations and concepts? i dont know. youd ask any of my old classmates who i am, and if they remember me, they might be able to tell you something. if you asked me, id have answer. a mistake, in all functionality of the word. not stretching, not dramatizing, quiet literally a bastard child and ive thought over it for months and i can safely say, if i was never conceived, that my family (tho they never would've been together) would be so, so happy in life

one half of me tears apart at this, they'd be so much happier right? but the other is the somber truth-ish that realizes the futility of it all. there'd be no point in killing myself tomorrow, ive already existed. ive already made marks and my death will have it's consequences. if i really want to repent for the sin of being born, then i should work myself to death for them. as an apology. (funny how they might not even stay together lmao, ah well i can just wire money to diff places ig if they move away lol) then after the last member of my direct family dies, i can just go find some random ditch and off myself lmao. i dont know. when I was like 12 i always planned to kill myself by 30 yk? death scared me, if god doesn't exist then where will my parents go? (i didn't really care about me lmao. im scared of the passage of time, but i welcome my eternal damnation with open arms lol) idk. aethiesm scared me. cause at that point (still do, mostly) i didnt believe in god per say. but then, there came the mortal issue, how to deal with death? at the time, i just thought that religion stemmed from the human fear of death. so people made up a god to comfort themself. i didn't blame them, how could you? reality hurts. it kills. i wish i could believe like they do. but i dont

eh whatever, i just dont think about it much. i cant picture a time where my parents will die. that they wont be there. i can see id probably spiral trying to cope, maybe die from alcoholism or smth else lol. but at point in time, it might sound a bit bad to say but once my first family member dies, i kind of hope the others follow soon. so i dont have to stick around either. typing this now, it makes me think, and thinking makes me want to claw my heart out of my chest but i dont have the capacity to feel much right now. it's like it's all blocked or heavily fogged up lol

it's hard. to remember other people. are real, ya know? is that weird to say? probably. time passes without you knowing it, i don't know. i have a lot i want to say but it's pretty much impossible to even pick out a string of words to start with

i don't know. ive loved people sure, but they're usually my friends lmao. im never sure if i really truly love them or if i just like the idea of them i have in my mind. ive loved in specific, for maybe like 2 years now lmao? not sure. there's the, do i actually like her enough to confess and risk our friendship? if i say no, is it because i dont actually like her or just cuz im 'shy' (lol)?

sometimes i imagine, idk that we lived close to each other or something, that i actually know who you are in real life, i imagine then id probably be able to distructure or solidify my, currently just random disconnected fluffy bits, of feelings lmao. idk. i love you, yeah i can say that with confidence

but is it romantic? what even is romantic love? isn't romantic love, just platonic love with extra steps? do i insist on it because i truly want to be actively in love with you or is it just the kind of love that will have to be satiated by knowing the subject of affection (in this case you lmao) is living a happy life? even if you did actually say yes, would i be able to meet the image of a 'healthy relationship' in my head? that takes communication, that takes work, i imagine i can do it but reality says otherwise lmao. idk. i love you enough to not want to do something that shitty to you. i want you to be happy, i want for you to be happy and secure and confident in your existence. i never want to see you where i am right now lmao, but i can't exactly stop it either way. it's a human experience i guess? and that's not even counting the "holy shit your being so parasocial and weird ew" i assure you the voice in my head abt this is plenty lmao.

but yeah. i love you. i'd send you flowers or even my heart if you wanted, i dont know if im joking but i dont know if i actually mean it, in the sense i dont know if im feeling the emotions i think i should be when saying something like that. i want my words to count for something, but how do i do that when i spend all my breathe trying to make up for my lack of action lmao.

but yeah, pretty much takeaway, i love you. now that i know you exist in the world, somewhere out there i dont know if i could go back to before i knew about you lol. i don't know if it's romantic or platonic, i don't know if i should pursue it or let it fade. but if you asked me take my last breathe then mail you my lungs, i probably would - let's half the shipping costs tho lmao. if you asked me to do something horrible and went against my entire sense of self, i also probably would. i dont know. the idea of it being for someone i love calms the possible thoughts of anxiety lmao. if you asked me to write you endless poetry, i probably would too, not saying it'd be good ofc but well, lol.

i'll be here, as long as you stick around. even if the day comes, you do move on with your life and this blog gets abandoned, ill still be here probably, just missing you a whole lot.

everything's confusing. everyday's its own battle and all it takes is one loss, lol.

ah well, i'll live my life loving you, i think ill be happy at least, having said this much

i love you a lot jaz, wholeheartedly i do

this entire ask is weird, feel free to leave out and not answer anything you want. dont even have to answer this if you want. answer and publish it, toss it into the void. anything's fine, im sorry i told you all this lol. idk, charades and distance and reality can only be stiffling for so long before i lost it and do something impulsive like send you this lmao. i'm not looking for your pity or sympathy, don't worry abt that part lol/genuine/lighthearted

i just. needed an outlet. i guess. haphazardly thrown together as this ask is. this is already more than i could've ever asked lmao, being able to speak all this out into the world, somewhere, to someone. thats all really

i love you so much jaz. take care, even if not that then please live to see tomorrow. i hope you have so, so many wonderful tomorrow's ahead of you. i love you

i settle with thinking about how our hypothetical relationship would probably all up burst in flames because of me LMAO. it's fun to think about. i love you, ill be here for you. im sorry im telling you all this

im severely aware of how unwarranted, weird, parasocial, delusional and arguably cruel this whole thing is. im pretty much objectifying you, i wish i knew you but that's another thing that's probably gotta have to stay in the "keep delusions inside till they die" room lol. im sorry. for all this.

i love you, im sorry i keep saying it lmao, it gets annoying and this whole thing is already bothersome enough as is. this whole thing isn't me trying to guilt trip you or anything btw, sincerely i apologize if it does come off that way.

i always said to myself "you can't claim to truly love someone, if your willing to let their wellbeing rely on risk." pretty much risking how negative this might impact your mind or mood, im sorry. im a hypocrite. i really do truly love you, i dont know why im telling you all this, im sorry jaz, i love you

please live a life you won't regret in the end, im sorry for asking you something like this.

thank you for existing in the same period as me, it's already a chance in a million. thanks also for having the anon option in your tumblr lmao, i probably would've never said any of this to you. im sorry i did, again, btw.

i love you sincerely, jaz. that much i can say, and i know ill have been honest with myself

i love you so so very much

Anon I'm not a very good comforter for things like these, I don't have a way with words even though my favourite subject is English. But let me just say this, anon.

You are an incredibly talented person, you are special to the people who love you, you are beautiful, you are kind, and most of all, you are a very loving person. You're probably one of the most romantic people I know, anon! I love your poetry, I love your use of words. I love the asks you send me every now and then and they make me extremely happy. You are worth it.

I love you anon. I love you in a way that my mom slices apples for me to eat, I love you in a way that my cousins play Roblox with me. I love you, even if it was platonic or romantic. I love you. Saying it won't mean that you're in love with them instantly, no! It's just- we love.

I wish I lived near you as well, wherever you may be. Or whoever you may be. It's okay if you won't reveal yourself, that's alright with me. As long as you are alive and well, as long as you take care of yourself, as long as you're safe- that's enough for me, anon. You love so much, and I consume all of the things you write to me, the things you say. Because I love them, because I love you.

Please be safe, take care, I love you, anon

[dynamicks]

Me: man why my art not as good as other ppls :(

Brain: ure literally never going to be the best. Btw why r u relying ur joy in art to be abt how much better it is to others. U should enjoy art for the sake of it. Bc then ud just be enjoying being better than others, not art.

Me: ive been working so hard but why am i not better :(

Brain: ure legit fighting unmedicated adhd tooth and nail. Ofc ur practicing will be inconsistent. U cant even brush ur teeth every day how do u expect to be practicing as much as others.

Me: yeah well but theres lots of better artists that have adhd

Brain: literally u r not even complete ass at art. U will never be the best. Again why r u relying ur joy on being better? Why cant u enjoy making art? Why cant u appreciate the things uve made?

Me: bc i feel like theyre only worth the attention they get

Brain: there we go. Youre undervaluing yourself and your art. Youre valuing skill over love. Youre valuing attention over the essence of art: expression and love. Intrinsic motivation. Youre undervaluing the art of art itself: the process of creating something from your soul.

Me: but its not good enough :,(

Brain: you will never be "good enough" in your eyes if youre not "good enough" now. There will always be someone better than you. You think you're only good enough once you reach this elusive idea of a line that you'll surpass and you'll finally be satisfied. Where is that line? Look at the art you've admired years ago. You're at that level now. The thing is, you're constantly improving and you've come a long way. Why stop now? Your "not good enough" now was your dreams years ago. The art you admire now? If you keep going, that's the level you'll eventually reach. Why stop that from happening when proof of it being possible has already happened before?

Me: uuhhhh ahhhh ummmmmmmmmmmm. Speechless.