#ive already made one for myself why do i have to suffer twice

[literallycogsworth]

Working on my cousins smiler cosplay rn. Its making me scream so bad I cannot do this 😭🙏

[earthlyemily]

I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is emilymiddin@hotmail.com or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is emilymiddin@icloud.com i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3

[setaripendragon]

Never Simple - Chapter 3

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] Since I finished my NaNo story with 33K words to spare, I figured I’d use the remaining words to kick my butt into gear on some of my bigger projects, and this is the one that grabbed my attention first, so, have the next chapter.

“Come with me.” That hissed demand was all the warning Ed got before Winry’s hand was clamping down on his wrist, and she yanked him clear out of his chair at Al’s bedside. He yelped, and would have flailed if it hadn’t been for Truth. It took control of his limbs and managed to manoeuvre them to catch Ed before he landed on his face on the floor. Instead, they just staggered a little, and then fell into step with Winry’s determined march.

Ed knew for a fact that Truth could have gotten them out of the hold Winry had on them, but when he thought of it, Truth just projected a sense of schadenfreude at him. “Winry, what the-?” Ed began, while swearing at Truth inside his head.

“Outside.” Winry interrupted, and it took Ed a moment to realise she meant that she wasn’t going to explain until they were outside. She marched them out through the kitchen and onto the back porch. It was already dark, but the outside lamp came on with a buzz when Winry slammed her hand on the switch. Then she rounded on him. “What the hell, Ed?!”

“What the hell, Winry?!” Ed retorted, clutching his abused wrist to his chest. That was probably going to bruise, for fuck’s sake.

“I’m not the one acting like a lunatic!” Winry snapped back, but there was a waver to voice now that was even scarier than her anger. “Ed… You’re scaring me. What- what the hell are you thinking? The military?! Why would you-?”

Ed looked away, scowling at the floor. It wasn’t like he could tell her the truth, unless he wanted to tell her about Truth, and… he didn’t really. He didn’t want to tell anyone, wanted to pretend it was all a dream until it went away, but it wasn’t and he couldn’t. He was going to have to tell Al, because Al deserved to know why he was sick, and he didn’t know if he’d have it in him to explain twice. Weirdly, Truth seemed just as conflicted as he was.

“What the hell else am I going to do, Winry?” Ed settled on, letting his frustration bleed into his voice, but not quite managing to look at her.

“Stay here! Stay safe, and get- get Al better, and-” She stopped, faltered.

“And what?” Ed snapped, suddenly furious for reasons he couldn’t fully figure out. “Mum’s dead, Win, and Al’s sick, and it’s my fault!” He yelled, making her flinch back from him, which only made him feel worse. “I’m not going to sit around here with nothing to do but wallow in how fucking stupid I am! I can’t-” He choked, and bit back all the things he wanted to yell that would only hurt Winry even more. “Military’s as good an option as any, isn’t it?”

“No. No, it’s not.” Winry insisted. “It’s- Ed, it’s dangerous, and- and all they do is hurt people!”

It took effort for Ed not to blurt out ‘I’ll fit right in then’, but he managed to keep it behind his teeth, just barely. He didn’t want to know what Winry would say to that. It would be awful if she agreed, but somehow, it would be worse if she tried to convince him he was wrong. Or looked at him like he’d hurt her just by saying it. But it wasn’t like he had any real argument against her point, either. He knew full well he was making a deal with the devil – again – but it was to try and make up for his mistake, and he couldn’t not go. Especially not when there was every chance that Sloth was going to hurt more people.

“Winry?” Granny called, making them both jump. Ed didn’t know how she’d gotten the back door open without making it creak, but she had. “Al’s IV will need changing. Can you take of that?” She asked, in a tone that made it clear it wasn’t actually a question.

“But, Granny-” Winry began, looking torn. Her ingrained instinct to put patients first battling with her desire to beat some sense into Ed.

“Now, please.” Granny ordered, and Winry went, throwing a look of deep consternation over her shoulder at Ed as she went. Ed glowered back, because he was pretty sure he’d have rather faced Winry and her wrenches and her tears than whatever Granny had in store. She didn’t say anything right away, though, just watched him for long enough to make him uncomfortable, a deep frown knotting up her brow. Then she sighed out a haze of pipe-smoke, and lowered herself down to sit on the porch steps.

“Uh…” Ed said, backing away towards the door. Maybe if he didn’t make any noise-

“Sit.” Granny ordered, pointing to the step beside her.

Reluctantly, Ed sat.

“You’re a smart boy, Edward.” She started, and Ed narrowed his eyes, because he’d heard enough lectures start that way that he was pretty sure Granny was about to try and tell him how not smart he was being. “And you’re not very good at letting go of things when they don’t work out the way you want them to. I’m not going to try and convince you that it wasn’t your fault, what happened to your mother-” Ed flinched, because he’d been trying so hard not to think about it, and Granny had just flung it at him out of nowhere. It didn’t slow her down at all though, she just pressed on, a little more pointed. “-or to Al, because I know you won’t listen to me, but I am going to remind you that punishing yourself isn’t going to help anyone. Not Trisha, not Al, not you. So cut it out.”

Ed stared at her, feeling oddly winded through his confusion. “…Punishing myself?” He echoed dubiously.

Granny side-eyed him, giving him a very clear ‘pull the other one’ sort of look. “Are you going to try and tell me that’s not what all this recklessness is about? Joining the military, not sleeping, trying to make yourself sick?”

Ed opened his mouth to deny it, and then faltered, looking away, out across the dusk-cloaked hills and fields. He couldn’t tell Granny his real reasons, so what was the point in denying the perfectly reasonable explanation she’d come up with on her own? It’d just make her ask more questions that he couldn’t answer and stress everybody out for no good reason. But if he pretended she was right, she’d expect him to stop.

We can be more discreet about eating from now on. Truth offered thoughtfully. And as for the military, we did make a promise. That would be reason enough to go through with it, even if only out of stubborn pride.

Ed didn’t bother to hide how dubious he was that that would work, but didn’t actually protest. “Maybe a little bit.” He capitulated for Granny, not looking at her. “But it’s not- The military, that’s not-” He faltered, unable to find a good explanation.

“You’re going through with that no matter what I say, huh?” Granny sighed.

Ed shrugged, and nodded. “Yeah.”

Granny huffed, giving him a sour look. But she didn’t argue, or try to convince him not to, for which he was stupidly grateful. “Go on, get to bed.” She instructed instead, and Ed scrambled up, taking the out without any hesitation or shame. He was almost free when Granny called after him; “Oh, and, Edward?”

Ed paused, looking back warily. “Yeah?”

“If I catch you eating uncooked meat ever again, I am going to make you sit through a detailed explanation of the sorts of diseases and parasites you can get doing that. With visual aids.” Granny warned him. Ed might have been intimidated by that, except that Truth just scoffed at the notion, and projected a sense of anticipatory satisfaction that Ed could only sum up as Ooh, tasty.

“Okay, Granny.” He replied, because she expected him to, and then escaped back to the clinic.

And ran right into the combined stares of Al and Winry, because apparently Winry was a fucking traitor, and when Granny had banished her from the porch, she’d done as she was told and gone right to Al and recruited him, if the bewildered, desperate, pained look on Al’s face was anything to go by. “Brother!” Al chided the moment Ed was across the threshold.

“Hey, Al, you’re awake.” Ed said, trying for a distraction and failing miserably.

“I told you not to do anything stupid!” Al wailed.

“I didn’t!” Ed fired back, offended.

“You joined the military!” Al retorted, matching Ed glare for glower.

“That wasn’t stupid, that was a really good opportunity.”

“A good opportunity to get yourself killed?!”

“I’m not gonna get killed, Al-”

“You can’t know th-” Al cut himself off mid-sentence, devolving into a wracking coughing fit. Ed and Winry both bolted to his bedside, and while Winry fetched a glass of water, Ed hopped up to sit beside Al and rub his back soothingly. When he finally managed to stop coughing, Al took the glass of water, sipped at it, and then said, quiet and raspy; “You can’t know that.”

“Okay, maybe not one-hundred percent, but still… ninety-eight percent?” Ed hedged.

Al gave him a baleful look. “Don’t try to make this seem okay with maths, Brother. Besides, there’s definitely more than a two percent chance of you getting killed. It’s the military.” He added, unable to help himself.

He’s probably right. Truth put in thoughtfully. We can heal from most of the injuries we might suffer in the military, but we are hunting my siblings, and they will likely be better fed than we are. Having Mustang on our side would improve our chances considerably, though, and I doubt any of them have managed to gain consent from their host, which will handicap them further… Probably closer to seven percent chance of death.

Huh. Not even a one in ten chance of dying horribly? I like those odds. Ed mused. “Okay, so it’s probably seven percent, but still.” He added out loud.

“That’s still too low.” Al countered, and then glared. “And that’s besides the point! Why would you even agree to it in the first place?”

Ed opened his mouth, and then paused. Well, he was planning to tell Al the truth anyway, wasn’t he? Now wasn’t any worse a time to do it than any other. Except for the fact that Winry was still hovering by Al’s sick-bed, arms crossed and a worried frown on her face. She caught the way he was looking at her, and her eyes widened with realisation.

“You do have a reason!” She accused, pointing a finger at him. “You’re just not telling!”

“Brother?” Al asked, turning wide, pleading eyes on Ed that made him want to squirm guiltily.

“Yet!” Ed corrected, scowling at Winry to avoid Al’s puppy-dog eyes. “I’m not telling yet. Al oughta hear it first.” He insisted, and Winry deflated, all her indignant anger melting into understanding and concern in a heartbeat.

“Oh, I- Yeah, okay.” Winry agreed, brushing her hair out of her face and looking over at the door. “Should I…?”

Ed considered that, but in all honesty, he did sort of want Winry to know. In as much as he wanted anyone to know, anyway. She might not be his sibling by blood, like Al, but it had always been the three of them together, three too smart children in a too small village. “No, you can stay, Win.” Ed told the wall. “Just… shit, don’t tell Granny, okay?”

Winry sat down abruptly on the chair at Al’s bedside, intense relief writ large across her face, but it was Al who spoke. “What’s going on, Brother?”

Looking down at his hands, Ed took a deep breath and tried to muster his courage to actually explain what had happened to Al. But he couldn’t force the words out, couldn’t find a place to start that didn’t choke him with guilt. Start with the question they asked. Truth advised, and Ed almost wanted to laugh hysterically at the irony of Truth trying to help him explain this.

But it was good advice, even if coming at it from that end of the story wasn’t that much easier. Still, it was something he could fix, instead of just a wretched apology. “I agreed to join the military because-” He faltered for a moment, but pushed on through sheer bloody-minded stubbornness. “-because it’s the best way I’ve got of finding and stopping the thing that killed Mum.”

Dead silence met that pronouncement.

Ed couldn’t bring himself to look up and see whatever expressions Al and Winry might be wearing, so he just stared at his hands and waited, the tension winding tighter and tighter inside him with every excruciating second that passed. “Ed… your mum was sick.” Winry said, with a painful level of gentleness. “It wasn’t some thing you can hunt down and punish.”

A laugh bubbled up in Ed’s throat, but he didn’t let it out, because he wasn’t sure it would still be laughter when it came out, and not a scream. It was only because he was keeping himself so desperately silent that he even heard the tiny choked noise Al made. His head snapped up, and then he was caught by the look of dawning terror on his brother’s face. “Brother, what- what happened to Mum?” Al asked in a frightened whisper. “You said it hadn’t worked, you said-!”

Ed shook his head. “You asked if she was alive.” He reminded Al. “And- and she wasn’t, so-” Ed choked at the sound Al made at that.

“What hadn’t worked?” Winry demanded.

“We-” Ed choked, and couldn’t manage any more words past the lump in his throat.

It was Al who picked up his slack, like always. “We tried to- to bring her back, to- to fix her, whatever was making her sick.” He explained in a rush, as if he was desperate to get the words out all in one go, although whether he was afraid of faltering, or of being stopped, Ed couldn’t tell. “We- there was- In Dad’s books- I don’t- It worked?” He finished on a breathless, terrified, faintly awed whisper.

Alarmed raced up Ed’s spine, and it wasn’t all his own. No! Truth yelled, making Ed wince at the loudness of it reverberating through his skull. We might be able to heal all manner of illnesses, but that means nothing when my siblings consider their hosts expendable. They think nothing of killing and consuming your people, it’s fun for them. Trying to use them to heal your sick would only end in disaster! It insisted. Ed projected his agreement at it, trying not to focus on the memory of the way Mum’s body had just broken.

I know, okay? I learned my fucking lesson. Ed told it, a little desperate to sooth its agitation. He couldn’t handle it if they were both freaking out inside his head at once. “Not really. Or… or at least, n-not for long.” Ed corrected Al quietly.

“You tried to heal your mum with alchemy?” Winry checked, looking back and forth between them for an answer. They both nodded mutely. “But it went wrong?” She prompted, sounding like she thought that was the obvious answer. Ed was vaguely tempted to give her the stink-eye for that, but, well, she wasn’t wrong.

“I don’t remember.” Al admitted.

Ed glanced at him. “What do you remember?”

After letting out a shaky breath, Al started recounting that worst day of their lives. “I remember activating the array, and it looked like it was working, but then…” He paused and shook his head. “Everything went white.” He shook his head again and shuddered. “And then you were putting me to bed.” He added, looking over at Ed.

So Al didn’t remember any of it. How the hell was Ed supposed to explain? “That… that white place? That was- There was a-” He gestured uselessly. He couldn’t even begin a coherent explanation. Al and Winry were both watching him, though, waiting for answers.

It is a Gate, the locked door to the prison I created to keep my sibling from ravaging your world and devouring your people. It exists in the spaces between the building blocks of the universe. You tried to tear the fabric of this world to shreds looking for knowledge, tried to pry those building blocks out of alignment, and that pried open the Gate for just long enough for one of my siblings to get loose. Truth offered the explanation with a touch of dry impatience.

“There was a Gate.” Ed began, because even if the way Truth had delivered the lecture pissed him off and made him cringe in equal measure, he was at least a little bit glad to have a template to follow. “And what we did- We-” Fuck, but he didn’t want to tell Al this. He didn’t want to dump the burden of this guilt on Al. “We opened it.”

“What was on the other side?” Winry asked, before Al could even try to muster the courage to ask for himself. In that moment, Ed was both extremely grateful that Winry was there, and hated it immensely. He wouldn’t have minded a few more minutes to recover from having to own the responsibility for that colossal fuck up out loud.

But she’d asked. And Ed ought to just say it and get it out there. “Monsters.” The word seemed hilariously petty. Calling them monsters made them seem like creatures with fangs and claws that could be faced and fought and killed. It didn’t even begin to encapsulate the horror of seeing them all crammed together behind great stone slabs, writhing and undulating and reaching out with little grasping, greedy tentacles.

“Oh no…” Al breathed. “Did we…?” He dared to ask. Ed just looked at him, knowing where that question was going, but still unable to quite find the right answer with just that much of it to work with. “Did… Did we let them out?”

Well, at least Ed could give him some good news. “Just- just one.” Which wasn’t all that good, really, given what that one thing had gone on to do.

“And it…” Al began, and then faltered, like he wasn’t sure he actually wanted to know the answer to his question. Ed was pretty sure he didn’t, and if he didn’t ask, Ed wasn’t going to tell him.

Of course, he hadn’t accounted for Winry. “What did it do to your mum?” She asked, and although the question was quiet, it was in no way tentative.

“It brought her back to life.” Ed said, voice thick. Al and Winry both gasped, shock and awe and dawning horror catching them both entirely off guard. “And then… then I think it tried to make- to make her eat me.” Ed went on, shuddering at the remembered horror.

Yes, that was its plan. Truth confirmed for him.

“Mum…” Ed began, and then nearly broke down in tears. Winry threw an arm around him, and a moment after, Al’s weight settled against his side, his face pressed into Ed’s shoulder, and one arm curling loosely around his neck. “Mum w-wouldn’t let it.” Ed managed to choke out. “So it- it broke her, and- and then I think it ate her.”

Most likely.

Al started to sob, which set Ed off, which of course set Winry off, too. They sat together in a huddle on Al’s sickbed and just cried for a while, which was mortifying, but Ed couldn’t deny that he felt better when they all finally calmed down a bit. “Why-” Al choked out, knuckling at his eyes with trembling hands. “Why don’t I remember? If you saw- I should remember, too.”

That’s my fault. Truth admitted without a trace of guilt.

“That’s the other thing.” Ed admitted to the bedsheets. He could feel Al and Winry’s gazes boring into him, so he pressed on. “There was a- a guardian, of that Gate. It… it called itself Truth. And it… it wasn’t happy that we’d let one of its prisoners out.”

“What did it do to Al?” Winry demanded sharply.

“Is that why I was so sick?” Al asked.

Ed nodded, and even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, he looked up at Al’s face. He couldn’t stop himself, even though the idea of actually seeing Al’s expression change as he told him was the worst thing he could imagine right now. “It… it possessed you.” Al’s face drained of what little colour it had, and he just stared at Ed in wordless horror.

“What do you mean ‘possessed’?!” Winry demanded in a hiss.

“I mean it was Al’s body and Al’s face, but it wasn’t Al.” Ed shot back at her, glaring, but when Winry recoiled, he instantly regretted it.

“Truth is like the thing that killed Mum, isn’t it?” Al breathed, startling both of them.

Ed could feel the mixture of defiance and shame that rippled through Truth at the question. “Yeah.” Ed agreed quietly. “Same species, anyway. It- it didn��t seem to approve of what the others are like, though, so I guess it’s not… one hundred percent terrible.” He hedged.

Oh, thank you so much. Truth retorted bitterly.

“Is it still in me?” Al whispered, as if asking it quietly might make the answer less awful.

Ed shook his head, and Al went boneless with relief, slumping back against his pillows. Winry was less distracted by her own relief. “Where is it, then?” She asked, giving Ed a laser-focused stare. “Is it still in that… that place? Or…?”

You gonna show yourself? Ed prompted, and Truth reluctantly agreed. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a dozen or so tendrils budding out of his shoulder. Al gasped in shock, and Winry actually yelped, before clapping a hand over her own mouth to stifle the noise. The tendrils grew, twining together into a bulbous little pod that promptly grinned at them with a mouthful of too-sharp teeth. “Hello again, Alphonse. And hello, Winry.” It greeted.

“Are you going to get sick, now?!” Winry demanded, sharp and abrupt.

Ed put his hands up defensively. “No! Well, I don’t think so…”

“Alphonse got sick because his body was rejecting my presence. Edward’s biology is far more accepting of us.” Truth explained.

“Are you sure?” Winry pressed.

“Absolutely.” Truth confirmed. “We are compatible. If his immune system was going to fight us, we would know already.”

Winry let out a slow breath and nodded once. “Alright then.”

That got a slightly hysterical little giggle out of Al, drawing Ed and Winry’s gazes to him in concern. “None of this is alright.” Al breathed, a wavering note to his voice that suggested an imminent breakdown. “Brother, you-” He choked on what might have been a sob, and then tried to punch Ed in the shoulder that didn’t have Truth oozing out of it. “You stupid- What if it had made you sick, too? What if-”

“It was killing you.” Ed retorted furiously. “If you think I was just going to sit back and let it-”

Al let out another sob, and threw his arms around Ed, uncaring that it pressed one arm right up against Truth. “Stupid.” Al accused again, and this time, Ed didn’t bother to argue, just hugged Al back and tried not to start crying again himself.

Al pulled himself together after a moment, and leaned back again with his brows drawn together into a frown. But he didn’t say anything, and neither did Winry, not for what felt like the longest time. Ed tried not to fidget where he sat, wishing they would just ask whatever it was they were thinking about, instead of leaving him to stew like this.

“This is why you were being so weird earlier, isn’t it?” Winry asked eventually. Ed frowned at her, because while he could acknowledge that he had been being weird, it’d be helpful if Winry could be a little bit more specific. “With the- just stuffing chunks of raw meat in your face, you moron!” Winry snapped at him, rolling her eyes.

“Oh, right, yeah.” Ed nodded. “It’s not human, it needs different food.”

“Live food.” Truth interjected.

“It means uncooked.” Ed translated.

“I meant what I said.” Truth retorted.

“What you said was creepy. I was rephrasing to avoid scaring people.”

“What you said was inaccurate. I was rephrasing so they would understand.”

Ed was thoroughly distracted from the argument when Al actually snickered. He blinked at his brother, torn between betrayal and relief. “No wonder you’re more compatible with Ed.” Al said, managing to look directly at Truth for half a second before his gaze skittered sideways. Still, however unnerved he was by the thing, it didn’t kill the sneaky little smile on his face.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Ed yelped.

“He means you’re basically the same person.” Winry informed him, looking exasperated. Al snickered again, attempting in vain to hide his smirk behind his hands. Betrayed. Ed was definitely feeling betrayed right now.

“That’s offensive.” Truth informed Winry indignantly. Which was exactly what Ed had wanted to say. Winry probably knew it, too, because she gave them both a very pointed look, and didn’t bother to point out that they were arguing her case for her.

“Shut up.” Ed muttered, not sure if it was directed at Winry or Truth.

Winry snorted at him, entirely derisive of the notion that he could ever tell her what to do. “You shut up.” She retorted primly, and then turned to Truth with an expression that did actually stall the words in Ed’s throat. She looked unnervingly serious. “When you say ‘live food’, you actually mean that, don’t you?” She prompted. “You mean you need it so raw it’s still bloody.”

“Yes.” Truth confirmed.

Ed could feel it planning to explain more, and he groaned. “Can we not talk about this?” He protested. He did not want to see Winry’s face if Truth told her about the brains thing. Not even a little bit. “We’re working it out, we don’t need to blabber on about it.”

Winry turned a glare on him so fierce that Ed leaned back where he sat a little, alarmed. “We absolutely do need to talk about this!” She exclaimed. “How am I supposed to make sure you stay healthy if I don’t even know what sort of diet you need?! I might not be a proper doctor yet, but if you’re not going to tell Granny – which of course you’re not, you’re you – then I’m the only doctor you’ve got, so shut up and let me make sure you’re not going to kill yourself by being stupid!”

There was nothing Ed could say to that. He just gaped at her, startled by both her vehemence and the direction her rant had taken. “Winry…” He began, but no other words were forthcoming.

Winry glared a moment longer, ten nodded decisively, and rounded on Truth. “So, is it just fresh meat, or is there anything else you need?”

“Fresh meat is one option, but it is not everything we need, no. Some of what we need can be found in other things. Eggs, some types of nuts, fish, chocolate.” Truth listed off again, quite audibly hedging around the issue. Winry’s eyes narrowed at it under the beginnings of a frown as she caught on to the omission.

Ed mentally threw his hands up in surrender. He knew Winry, and he knew she would never let this go until she had all the answers. “It eats brains, Win.” He informed her, exasperated. Winry’s expression slackened in shock, eyes wide and mouth open. “Grey matter, it said. The more complex the better, it said.” He mocked, and then raised his eyebrows at Winry, waiting for her to catch the horrifying point.

Winry’s mouth closed and opened several times before she managed a tiny little ‘oh’ of understanding. Then, slowly, her frown returned. “Well, that might be a little bit more complicated, but I bet we could get pig and sheep brains from the farms around here without much trouble-”

Ed really, really didn’t like the way Truth perked up at that. Not that he had much attention to spare for that quiet dread in the midst of his absolute outrage that Winry was even considering this. “I am not eating brains, Winry!” He whisper-yelped, glaring at her with all the force he didn’t dare put into his voice in fear of getting too loud and having Granny overhear.

Winry, the traitor, glared right back. “You’ll eat what’s good for you, Edward, and you’ll be grateful for all the hard work I put into getting it for you! Doctor’s orders!” She commanded. She even went so far as to point a finger at him, all but jabbing him in the chest with it. It made her look unnervingly like Granny for a moment.

We like her. Truth murmured inside his mind, all but humming with a hope so intense Ed thought it would be better called determination. We should listen to her.

You would say that. Ed groused. “And what happens when I throw up because you’re force feeding me actual brains?!” He demanded.

“Don’t be a baby, Ed.” Winry scoffed.

“That wouldn’t happen, anyway. We wouldn’t let it.” Truth reminded him smugly.

“You’re both traitors.” Ed groused. “Al, back me up h-” He began, but on turning towards Al, he found his brother asleep sitting up, slumped against the pillows and head lolling onto his shoulder in a way that couldn’t possibly be comfortable. “Oops.” Ed whispered, a sudden surge of affection rising up in him like the tide. He was kind of helplessly amused that Al had just conked out in the middle of a conversation, and seeing Al look so vulnerable and soft in his sleep made Ed feel a little too small for the jagged-edged protective instincts filling him up.

“We should probably go to bed, too.” Winry whispered, and Ed nodded. They both got up to go, but while Winry slipped out the door, Ed lingered long enough to nudge Al into lying down so he could tuck him in properly. The fact that he still had Al, that Al was okay, even if he was still weak enough to be falling asleep sitting up, was a miracle. And, yeah, Ed acknowledged to himself, he’d do worse than eat pig brains if it kept his little brother safe and well. Thank you. Truth thought.

Yeah, whatever.

[damdahdi-studies]

exam season

the last 2 weeks have been exam season. leading up to exams i ran week-long blocks of distracting websites on my mac, so I haven’t been able to get on tumblr.... so finally updating now: (more like ranting.) 

one math exam left, on thursday morning

exams so far have been.... okay. none of them i feel particularly good about, but overall i think i managed to deal with the stress/anxiety better this semester than last, just a little bit 

some nice things that happened before exams: 

100% in Chinese speaking mock exam, listening and writing section of written mock exam. i didn’t really realise it until i looked back on my old posts and read how i felt after first set of exams just now, but i have come ... maybe not a long way, but some kind of way :] at the time i was very insecure about just myself and barely believed i could improve on my own; yet i did to a standard i never could’ve dreamed even start of this year. 

somehow obtained 90% in an oral presentation i made about The Crucible by Arthur Miller. i still don’t know how I did it, but I’m glad i improved from the 60s i got last semester in presentations. public speaking still felt like hell though 

top female scorer in my state for some maths competition. also have no idea how i did this, i thought i would get distinction at best. 

changed piano teachers (previous teacher recommended the new one) 

dress for year 12 ball next year arrived. it’s a soft grey pretty thing 

my birthday was during exam season :/ 

also first set of my own prayer beads arrived. have been using them daily since 

reflecting on each subject: (so I can read back on this after i get my marks back and be like haha....  you fool.) 

Literature: better than last time is all i can say... it was okay (still felt like hell during the exam because it’s Literature) managed time during exam slightly better, I didn’t panic as much, but that’s about it lmao i’m crossing my fingers for a low 70s and double crossing for an A. i wasn’t able to or simply didn’t contribute much effort/time to literature this semester, so a B wouldn’t really be a fuck-i-tried-so-hard-why-did-i-get-this-grade kind of punch in the gut, but it would be really nice to not break an all A streak... but I highly suspect I will get a B

Methods (maths): exam was harder than i expected. hoping for a 90s though, a mark that wont bring my average down. i think i was best prepared for methods compared to other subjects, emphasis on COMPARED to other subjects. -_- 

Physics: ahh physics. a whole debacle happened during the exam, please see below. other than that the exam was... kind of expected difficulty? which is difficult, but it wasn’t terrible-terrible. i’m hoping for an 80s. i really can’t hope for much, i was probably delirious half the time. i did manage to ‘finish’ (attempt every question) though i wish i got more time... i couldn’t double check many questions and there was this one question i wanted to spend more time on but oh well... 

summary: i threw up once before the exam, twice during.  

ate a blueberry bagel with cream cheese, with some salmon on top for breakfast. looking back, it was probably the salmon. 

didn’t feel good after. got to school feeling pretty sick in the stomach and a pretty bad headache.... which escalated to one of the worst headaches ive had in the last 3 years in 20 minutes 

at this point i could tell something was wrong and that i was about to throw up 

went to the toilet, tried to throw up whatever was causing pain to my body, but couldn’t. only ended up scaring away some poor kid in the next cubicle 

FIRST TIME: left toilet. sit still for 10 minutes outside, feeling progressively worse. go back to the toilet, then throw up a lot. gargle, wash face, go back to find everyone filing into the exam room. 

feeling slightly better at this point since ive thrown up (i thought i had emptied most of my stomach by then. spoiler alert: no) and decide internally to just do the exam. (if i don’t, then i would have to fill out some form, probably do the exam way later. too annoying) 

SECOND TIME: so i sit the exam. 5-6 minutes into reading time, i feel another wave of throwing up coming. i raise my hand, i’m at the very back of the hall, so examiner takes a bit to notice. my brainwashed ass brain thinks i can’t stand up and leave without the examiners spoken permission, so i persist in sitting in my seat for around 10 seconds until she’s there, i’m already throwing up in my mouth at this point. finally something snaps and i make a break for the toilet, but it’s too late and i throw up all over the floor. in the exam hall. Fuck. i immediately apologise on the spot. 

examiner leads me to toilet. i throw up some more. gargle, wash face. she asks me to step outside for a couple of minutes for fresh air and i do. 5 minutes later she comes back and asks me if i want to continue the exam. i say yes. we go back in, the vomit is gone from the floor. she moves my seat closer to the exit, and tells me i can bolt out whenever i need to throw up. i sit the exam. 

some time after this, the other examiner leaves a vomit bag next to me just in case

THIRD TIME: an hour in? i feel another wave coming. i grab the vomit bag, make a dash for the toilets but the stupid old door won’t open properly. the examiner helps me open the door and i throw up in the toilets, in the vomit bag this time. it’s not as much as the previous two times. tie up the bag, throw it in the bin, gargle, wash face. 

instinctively i feel that this is the last time i’ll throw up, that i’ve truly emptied everything from my stomach this time. headache is way weaker at this point. 

go back in and examiner asks me if i’m really sure i want to continue the exam, whether or not if i want to fill in a form excusing myself from the exam. i say no.

about an hour left in the exam, which i sit in utter peace 

didn’t get any extra time. 

apologised to some people around me after the exam while filing out of the hall... i suffered but they did too. 

went home and drank some stomach soothing tea. slept

ate porridge for the next 2 days. 

Chemistry: it was.... okay. i did finish and attempt every question. there were a couple of questions in multiple choice i was iffy about and a question in short answer i was like um... what? to, but other than that it was.... eh. i didn’t study much for it, so whatever mark i get i deserve. if i do defend myself it was 3 days after the shit show that was the physics exam, and i felt sick for at least a day after.... but yeah. should’ve tried more. 

during reading time, the examiner who saved my life put the vomit bag on my desk in the physics exam came and asked me if i was feeling better 

i said i’m feeling good thanks : ) 

like an hour later? i feel sickness coming. not stomach this time, just general sickness. somehow i get a fever and subsequently, the FLU in the middle of the chem exam- 

i highly suspect i got it from the examiner 

come back home to find out that i really do have a fever

this was yesterday. yes i’m sick now. like, more sick. 

Chinese: this was today. i’m still kind of too traumatised to reflect on it properly. Chinese is the only subject that ive studied the yr 12 course for this year, so this exam really counts. like 35% of my final grade counts kind of counts. and i did pretty bad. like pretty bad. it was definitely more difficult than the mock exams, and the recordings in listening section were quicker than previous years. the writing section was... traumatising while writing i kind of had a wave of anxiety/panic hit me? i could feel my heartbeat my face was burning and i started sweating ;-; and even the reading section, which is usually okay, was a bit hard. i’ll get the marks back and my final grade for this subject in December - we’ll see until then. got a slightly overdue birthday present before the exam tho :) 

So yup. that’s my exam season. i’m typing this instead of studying for my maths exam day after tomorrow but hey, i’m sick and need rest, right? 

overall, these exams i managed to keep control of my stress a bit better, i wasn’t so overwhelmed like last time. last semester i could barely live, literally. this time i made the habit of living at the library which i found really helpful and comparatively productive, i’ll definitely be using that strategy more often. i’m just glad i managed to study SOMETHING or prepare for exams explicitly this time, because i was simply too overwhelmed to do that last time. i improved. maybe not by much, maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but it’s better than none... 

i’m not saying i don’t have regrets or shortcomings in these exams. i definitely do. DeFinITEly. but doesn’t mean i didn’t improve. i did improve. just, maybe not as much as i wanted. 

i really learned to the bone this time that learning during the semester is so, so important. i think that’s just a wisdom i’ll have to carry through the rest of my academic career. 

wish me luck for my maths exam on Thursday 

my friends and ive already planned an outing for after the exams :) 

also getting overdue birthday presents next monday! :D 

[remasteredinnuendo]

Blue Bayou Part IV

Synopsis: Ben is nervous as he prepares for Bohemian Rhapsody. But just as he thinks nerves will get the best of him, he’s introduced to a woman who might just be the muse he needs. Inspired by the song Blue Bayou by Linda Ronstadt

Warnings: Insecurities

Info: This is the last official part of Blue Bayou, but I think I’ll do a separate epilogue! Let me know what you think!

Part IV:

Tonight was the Oscars, and they had all been waiting in Roger Taylor’s hotel foyer for twenty-five minutes. The limousine was outside, ready for them all. Every man was dressed in their black suit and buffed shoes, though Ben hadn’t quite gotten the memo. He was in white, and stood out. But lately that didn’t bother him.

They had been waiting on one single person now: Emmy herself.

Nobody quite knew why she was taking so long. She had, after all, come to visit Sarina so they could both get ready at the same time. Roger’s wife was all done up and finished, but Emmy was nowhere to be seen. Not even a glimpse. And though no one said they had seen her, there were plenty of whispers.

 Ben stood off to the side, watching everything patiently. The cast of Bohemian Rhapsody were all huddled together, Rami keeping an arm around Lucy’s waist as they all laughed together. Joe and Gwilym were already wondering where they’d get some snacks before the ceremony. Sarina Taylor was pacing up and down the foyer on her phone, looking rather concerned. And Roger and Brian were chatting quietly to one another, looking calm as anyone could.

Until Sarina marched up to the two of them with her hands on her hips, cellphone clutched in her hand. “All right,” she declared, sounding impatient and not particularly quiet. “One of us have to go up there and drag her out. Freddie would never forgive any of us if we let her do this.”

“I don’t want to force her,” Brian said quietly, looking across the foyer to his wife, Anita, who was busy speaking to another woman who admired her gown.

Sarina smacked his arm. “She’s scared! Rightly so. You two and John spent so long hiding her from the media that now she feels she has to do this. Worse, she wants to. For her fathers. And she doesn’t know how to work with that.”

Listening in on people’s conversations wasn’t something Ben made a habit of. But he couldn’t pry himself from this one. Sarina wasn’t particularly quiet about it all. In fact, she didn’t seem to care who overheard her because she seemed quite concerned about the one party they were waiting for.

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath before approaching the famous group. “I can speak to Emmy, if you think it’ll help.”

Roger caught his eye, and they both knew Ben was asking for his permission. The rock stars had spent their entire lives caring for Emmy. They had been there when she was a baby and ever since then, too. No one was allowed to break her heart; seemingly not even herself. And that was something he could respect.

Roger shared one look with Brian, feeling the glare from the present wife, and they both nodded. “Don’t come back without her.”

“I wouldn’t dream of such a thing,” he replied, and turned on his heel with one hand in his pocket.

The elevator couldn’t come fast enough. When the doors parted and he stepped inside, he pressed for the tenth floor. It gave him a minute to think about what he was going to say. He had heard she was frightened of something. Too frightened to leave for the Oscars ceremony. Sarina had mentioned the media. But how could Emmy, someone so confident, be frightened of anything like that?

There was a dinging sound, signalling he made it to the right floor. He turned the corner to his left and looked for the hotel room 512. His eyes scanned the plaques carefully, making sure he didn’t accidentally miss it. And as he neared, he found his heart pounding a little harder. His suit feeling a little warmer.

And when he found the right door, he raked all of his bravery together and knocked.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

And then there was a joked voice on the other side. “Go away!” it demanded. And though it tried to sound big and commanding, it came out rather choked and uneven.

He pressed his forehead against the door and willed it to open. “I’m not leaving.”

There was silence, and then the sound of scurrying on the other side. He heard something landing on the far side of the room with a thud, and wondered what she might have thrown. But he didn’t have much time to contemplate when the locks behind the door came away, and a woman in a yellow dress appeared.

Emmy stood in front of him in the beautiful canary-coloured gown with designs of silver sparkles. It was strapless, showing off her olive-coloured collarbones. The skirt of the gown was shorter at the front, showing off her ankles and the silver strappy heels, whereas the back seemed like the fabric had been gathered and barely brushed across the floor.

She looked breathtaking.

But with her hair pulled back from her face, it was easy to see how pale she was in the cheeks.

“I feel sick,” Emmy stated, as if those words would satisfy him.

When she stepped aside, Ben marched into the room and closed the door behind him before she could change her mind and kick him out. She immediately began to whirl around the space, like she couldn’t bear to stand still. Maybe she couldn’t.

“It’s just nerves,” he told her, walking to the little fridge to grab her a bottle of water. “But this is my first Hollywood award show, too.”

She barely seemed to notice when she took the bottle he offered and sipped. She continued pacing, brows pulled over her eyes with mania. “It’s not that!”

“Then what is it?”

Ben stopped her tornado, encircling her tiny wrist in his fingers and forcing her to still. He led her toward the foot of the bed and forced her to sit. As she sat, it seemed like the reality of the situation truly set in; her breath stuttered in her lungs and her eyes became glassy. Her shoulders slumped, like she was done fighting the idea of defeat and now allowed herself to sink in it.

She took a deep, shaky breath. “The minute I step out of that limousine and my feet touch the red carpet, I’m no longer Emmanuelle Bulsara. I’m Freddie Mercury’s daughter. Jim Hutton’s daughter. A girl who didn’t exist in the eyes of the world until tonight.”

“No one’s asking you to be anyone other than yourself,” he assured her, kneeling down and resting his hands on her knees. The fabric of her gown was so soft.

“The media will tear me apart. People will say I’m only revealing myself now because I want the money from the film,” Emmy told him, shaking her head fiercely as she attempted to chase the tears away. Her makeup was too perfect to smudge with a little bit of water.

Ben couldn’t stop himself from chuckling. For months and months he had been worried about how the media perceived him. What they’d see. And it had been Emmy who had talked him down every single time he thought it was too much. It was Emmy who made him feel like he could do anything. And now here she was, suffering from the same thing. How could someone so kind be unable to help themselves? It was a cruelty of the universe to make such a beautiful, sweet creature so sad.

“Don’t laugh at me, Ben Jones!” she said half-heartedly, smacking his shoulder. She couldn’t bite back the tiny smile on her lips.

“I don’t mean to, darling,” he promised. “But the tables certainly have turned.”

She wiped her nose and stared down at her hands. “Roger phoned me and asked me to sing Blue Bayou. And singing it seemed so hard and everything took thought and planning. And then the movie happened, and it felt like my regular surroundings didn’t fit me anymore.”

He was silent, listening to her intently, rubbing circles on her knees through her gown.

“But as I spend time in the world everyone tried so hard to shield me from, I feel like I know who I am again. I love music. I love Roger and Brian and John. I miss seeing them as often as I have since filming. But the press will be so confused, and because of that, I’ll be left wondering if I should’ve just stayed at home in my own little world.”

Ben snatched her hand and kissed the back of her knuckles, commanding her attention. “There are no photographs in papers of your face because you were Queen’s little secret. There are no articles about your life. Just the lives of your fathers. And that’s because your uncles didn’t want to make the decision of notoriety for you.”

She gave him a gentle smile, trying so hard to pull herself together.

“But they made this film for Freddie. For both of your dads. And they didn’t think it’d be right to do it without you,” Ben stated, feeling her relax ever so slightly. “They want you at the Oscars because you are the muse. They don’t care about anyone else— the press and the media. They care about you. Why would anyone else matter?”

Emmy exhaled, and this time it was smooth. There was no hesitation. No worry in the small act.

“You don’t have to go. None of us will force you. But if you decide not to go because you’re worried about everyone else, rather than for you, you’ll know you made the wrong decision.”

She stared at him, eyes roaming over his face like she was trying to memorize every line. His breath hitched when she leaned her forehead against his, a soft smile on her face. She gently pushed him away and Ben was surprised. Until he realized it was so she could stand.

Emmy smoothed her gown out, no tears on her cheeks, and nodded to him. “Well, get up Ben. We’ve got places to be.”

He stood, grinning like an idiot as she weaved her arm through his. “Whenever you’re ready.”

“As long as you’re with me, I think I’m ready for anything.”

Ben’s heart squeezed in his chest, and he allowed himself to press a kiss to her temple as they left the room.

Ready to take on the world.

[woodlandcomforts]

Taking Care of Your Face and Looking Good (With Minimal or NO Makeup)

Disclaimer: I am not a cosmetics or skincare professional. I would not even classify myself as an expert. But after years of confusion I still haven’t found a comprehensive beginner’s guide explaining not just what to use, but why, and whether it is truly an essential step or just a brand trying to sell more products. I hope my decade of frustration can prevent others from the same fate.

My daily skincare routine used to consist of washing my face with facial soap before I went to bed. I figured that was enough; it’s soap made for the face (so not too harsh) and I’m cleaning the dirt off, so I should be good, right? Wrong. You don’t just want your skin to be clean, you want it to be healthy. I didn’t realize ‘clean’ and ‘healthy’ weren’t mutually inclusive until a couple years ago.

I have very fair skin that is “normal” (i.e. not too oily or too dry) and I suffer from mild but chronic acne. The products that work for me may not work for you, but the basic guidelines still remain the same. Just make sure to do your own research on certain products before buying and using them. Unlike many beauty gurus, I am not trying to sell you products and I received nothing nor will I receive anything for linking them to you. That means I am suggesting products I do genuinely believe to be good and am not just getting paid to promote.

Warning: This is a long post with a lot of reading. I promise it is worth it if you want to understand skincare. If you just want to know what to do, there is a TL;DR at the end.

╔════════════════════════ˋˏ🙜·:·.۵.·:·🙞ˎˊ════════════════════════╗ 

Cleansing

Washing your face daily is important if you wear makeup. You want to go to bed with a clean, healthy face to prevent clogged pores overnight. Make sure your pillowcase is clean as well; changing it every two to four days is ideal. If you accidentally fall asleep with makeup or some other heavy cosmetic on, change your pillowcase before the next night regardless of the last time you changed it. (Yes, I have a ton of pillowcases. You’ll want to stock up.)

I wash my face twice a day if I’m wearing makeup: once before applying it and again before settling down for the night. (The steps for each change, look at the bottom of this post to see morning versus nightly routines). If you do not use cosmetics you may find you only need to wash your face once a day. Others wash their face every other day or even less. Do what is best for you. Allowing your face to regulate itself may in fact be the answer to your problems. For others (like me), your face may be abysmal at taking care of itself and thus you’re left to do the work for it. Thanks, face.

Here’s the optimal way to wash your face:

Remove makeup. Use an oil-based cleanser to remove makeup. I recommend this cleanser with jojoba oil. Use your fingers in gentle circular motions over your face until your makeup is loosened. Do not scrub your face with a towel or loofah. A cotton pad works best if you need to wipe more aggressively. If you don’t have any makeup on this step isn’t 100% necessary, but many people swear by double-cleansing so it doesn’t hurt if you’re feeling ambitious.

Cleanse. Removing makeup does not necessarily clean your skin, nor is oil-based cleanser the best way to rid your pores of dirt, so you need to clean your face again even if you did step one. I use this fermented grain cleanser. When looking for your own, make sure to avoid oil-based cleansers on this second step. Oil sits on top of your pores and doesn’t penetrate into them so it does not clean your skin fully. Water-based cleanser works best (meaning water should be the first, main ingredient).

Exfoliate. *Do not do this step every day*. Exfoliation should be once a week, no more than three. Exfoliating rids your face of dead skin cells, meaning if you’ve already exfoliated recently you’re just rubbing abrasives into your healthy skin... not ideal. Exfoliate on the last night of your most heavily cosmetic days, such as a Friday night if you work Mon-Fri or Sunday night if you wear more makeup on the weekends. Make sure whatever product you are using has been made for the face, as body exfoliators are too harsh. I really like Mary Kay’s Botanical Effects Scrub but it’s on the expensive side. A cheaper scrub I've been using recently is from St. Ives. Again, rub gently in circular motions, avoiding the eyes, then wash with water.

Tips:

When massaging cleanser into your skin, start from the middle of your face and rub outward in circular motions. This helps prevent wrinkles among other benefits (some people claim this alleviates puffiness and even makes your face look smaller).

Wash with cold or lukewarm water. Hot water dries out your skin.

Wash your hands often, and not just after bathroom visits. Everyone touches their face way more than they think they do. Keeping your hands clean will keep your face cleaner, too.

Warnings:

I repeat, do not exfoliate your face every day. You will ruin your skin.

Likewise, don’t ever scrub your face, especially not with abrasive items like loofahs. Even if you want to get rid of blackheads, little bumps, or acne, scrubbing your face will only irritate it more and exacerbate the problem.

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Balancing

Many people claim that washing your face makes it worse: causing dryness, redness, oiliness, etc. While some may have good results by leaving their skin alone, I do not believe it is the universal answer. The most likely reason someone sees bad results is because they are not rebalancing their face to its natural levels. When you wash with cleansers, you are stripping your face of its oils and protections. Your skin may produce more to compensate (making your face oily)... ...or not (leaving it uncomfortably dry and unhealthy). How do you “balance” your face? With:

Toner. I thought this was pseudo-science nonsense for a long time, but it is actually an essential part of your skincare regime. A good toner shrinks your pores, restores your face’s natural pH level, and pre-moistens your skin so moisturizer will be absorbed more easily instead of sitting on top of your epidermis. Stay away from toners with alcohol as they will dry out your skin more than moisturizer can repair. I use Thayer’s Rose Petal Toner. Be wary of this product as it causes some people to break out. Remember, this isn’t a product you wash off-- it will stay on your skin, so if you have sensitive skin be on the look-out for any known irritants, drying agents, or allergies.

Treatment. Serums, essences, boosters, and ampoules. If you don’t have any problem areas, you can skip this step. However if you have redness, acne, dark spots, age spots, wrinkles, or any other number of things you want diminished, you can really benefit from this. I’m a fan of this Vitamin C Serum. Ampoules are concentrated serums made to target specific problems with more aggression and are short-term treatments. ‘Serum,’ ‘essence,’ and ‘booster’ are all kind of the same thing but are toted to have different properties and purposes (though they often don’t). If researching just one term doesn’t come up with anything you like, try the others.

Moisturizer. Good moisturizer maintains your face’s pH level and hydrates your skin, then keeps the moisture locked in throughout the day. If you are washing your face, you need to moisturize it. If you don’t, your skin will either remain desert-dry, or it will produce excess oils to compensate for all the cleansers that removed its natural oils. Because moisturizing is so important while at the same time so detrimental if you use the wrong product for your skin, I’m not linking to any specific product. Please research for your individual needs. A simple google search of, “Moisturizer for oily (or dry/ normal/ acne-prone/ sensitive/ etc) skin,” will produce results. Make sure to read reviews and ingredients. Some particularly good ingredients to look for are Hyaluronic Acid, Aloe Vera, and Centella Asiatica. Avoid products with high pH levels (of 7+).

Sunscreen. This is a necessity in the morning. Prolonged exposure to sunlight (which happens even on overcast days) hastens the aging of your skin, causes sun damage that will eventually be visible dark spots, and increases your risk of skin cancer. If none of your cosmetics have sunscreen and you will be outside for more than 15 minutes that day, I highly recommend adding sunscreen after your moisturizer has settled. Try this SPF 46 sunscreen. It’s a bigger hit to your wallet but it’s worth it to avoid visible-later-in-life sun damage and a visible-right-now greasy face.

Tips:

Wait a minute or two in-between steps before applying the next product. This gives the product time to sink in and do its work before being diluted by other ingredients or possibly even being wiped away when you apply something else.

Don’t rub toners and treatments on like you do for cleansers. Pat them gently onto your skin.

Buy��facial sunscreen instead of reaching for whatever sunscreen is in your cupboard. If you are going to be exposed to the sun for prolonged time or in a more intense way, heavier sunscreen may be necessary, but for day-to-day use, more sensitive facial sunscreen is better for the more sensitive skin on your face!

Investing in a hat that shades your whole face is another option to protect your skin from sun damage. Especially if you refuse to wear sunscreen. But wearing both can’t hurt either.

Warnings:

Beware of knock-off brands on Amazon or Ebay. Even if the product looks the same and costs the same, check reviews for red flags. Or just be safe and buy straight from the company’s online store instead of going through a middle-man. Knock-off brands can use alternative ingredients that cause break outs, skin damage, or allergic reactions. At the very least, they will be worse quality products.

Having a clean, balanced face does not guarantee a blemish-free face. If you’ve tried everything under the sun to no avail, you may need prescription drugs to combat your skin problems. Consult a dermatologist if possible. They can also offer expert advice on what products your skin needs so you won’t be guessing.

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Covering

You might not have the time or desire to put on even a little makeup, and that is perfectly fine. Feel free to skip this category. If I’m not going to wear any I don’t usually wash my face in the morning unless it’s feeling particularly gross. If you are going to wear makeup, first wash your face with a water-based cleanser then apply toner and moisturizer before any other products. This ensures any sweat, dust, or other dirt from the bed is washed off and the makeup won’t dry out your skin. After you’ve done that, you can do one of the following depending on your needs.

BB Cream. Essentially a very minimal foundation but, unlike foundation, BB Cream often comes with a host of other skin benefits such as sunscreen, color treatment, or special extracts. I use this MISSHA BB cream with sun protection and soothing extracts.

CC Cream. Stands for color correction cream. An alternative to BB Cream, though often a lighter product with less fancy skincare benefits. CC Cream may not cover every blemish to make your face look flawless, but it can cancel out redness or yellowing. Use this if you only want to even out your skin tone and don’t have any obvious bumps to cover. I don’t use CC Cream but based on my research, my best suggestion is this one from bareMinerals.

Foundation. If one of the creams is still not enough coverage for you, you can apply a layer of foundation over it or use foundation in its place. If you are putting foundation on top of a cream, remember that you won’t need as much product so be on the cautious side and use very little at first. You can always add more if it’s needed. I use this foundation from Colourpop; it comes in a huge variety of shades and is pretty cheap. However, the bottle is small. If you use a lot of foundation this is not ideal for you.

Concealer. If you’re still seeing acne, dark spots, or other skin blemishes, apply concealer to only those areas to cover them up better. Make sure to blend it out. I don’t think this is concealer but this is what I use and love: L’Oreal True Match Powder. Sometimes this is the only product I use because it works great, however since it is a powder it is very drying. Most people I know prefer liquid concealers. My friend swears by this concealer from Burt’s Bees, though it doesn’t offer a lot of shades.

Tips:

As you can tell, I’m not “brand loyal” and I don’t think anyone should be. Don’t assume because one brand’s toner works for you that their moisturizer is the best for you, too. Don’t be afraid to shop around, do your own research, and pay attention to ingredients, not the name on the container.

Long, scary-looking chemical names do not necessarily mean unnatural or harsh ingredients. Do not be scared off from a product just because the ingredient list isn’t five colloquial English words. If you’re concerned, a quick google search usually brings up an ingredient’s cosmetic purpose and whether it is known to cause problems. 

Everyone has different skin types and thus their skins have different needs. Don’t assume the ���miracle cure” your friend is raving about will solve all of your problems, too. Keep this in mind especially for people giving one-size-fits-all advice. “Stop using skincare products and your skin will take care of itself.” “The only thing people need is moisturizer after showers.” And so on. Unless they’re your dermatologist, they don’t know you or your skin. Ignore ignorance and focus on what you’ve seen and felt to work best on your skin.

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TL;DR

Morning Routine:

Clean face with water-based cleanser.

Use alcohol-free toner to shrink pores and prep face for moisturizer.

Find the best moisturizer for your skin type and always use it after washing your face with anything more than water.

Apply facial sunscreen if none of your cosmetics have SPF properties. Don’t use sunscreen not specified for the face as it is greasy, heavy, and clogs pores.

If you want, apply BB Cream or CC Cream to cover blemishes and even-out the tone of your face. You can skip this step.

If you want or need more coverage, use a light foundation on top of or in place of a cream. You can skip this step.

Use concealer after cream or foundation to better cover problem areas that still stand out. You can skip this step.

Nightly Routine:

Wash off the day’s makeup or surface dirt with oil-based cleanser.

Clean face with water-based cleanser.

Exfoliate once a week.

Use alcohol-free toner to shrink pores and prep face for moisturizer.

If necessary, use a treatment to target specific problems with your skin. You can skip this step.

Find the best moisturizer for your skin type and always use it after washing your face with anything more than water.

Tips:

Mix up your routine by wearing the occasional mask after cleansing. I didn’t go into masks here because they aren’t necessary, but... they are fun, so if you have them, use them! 

 If you want to do as little as possible and/or buy the least amount of products (I don’t blame you), the fundamentals of skincare are cleansing, toning, and moisturizing before you go to bed. Three products, three steps, once a day. Hopefully that’s doable for you!

❧

As I said above, I’m not getting any money or benefits from this research and product advertising. If you’ve found this guide helpful please consider donating a few dollars as my family and I are in a tight spot financially. Here’s a link to my ko-fi. No worries if you can’t or don’t want to.

I hope this guide helped you understand skincare better. Feel free to send me questions, though I cannot guarantee I’ll be able to help. I’m also open to requests for other guides, or comments with your thoughts on this one. Thank you for reading.

[thaiteastacey]

Traveling abroad while pregnant: 6 months pregnant all through Morocco and Turkey

So a little overview about this post

 I will be going over tips and my experiences traveling while 6 months pregnanct (I came back to Miami at 28 weeks and 2 days pregnant) I was traveling for a little over a month. Please also see your doctor before traveling while pregnant or taking certain things I took—each pregnancy is different.

 At the start of my pregnancy and well into the 5th month I kept throwing up pretty bad and well you can check those post to get a glimpse of how I felt! Thankfully I felt better a week before my flight so here’s some tips I recommend

 Wear compression socks! 

 This was a life saver for me because I get cramps really fast and the flight was extremely long from Miami to Istanbul. 

 Bring an empty thermos bottle! 

 Also another life saver for me (basically everything was but this was extra important!) i filled up my bottle at the Miami airport at one of their water fountains. 

 Drink lots of water while on the plane

 My doctor also recommended I drink lots of water in the plane to get up and pee as often as I can in order to prevent blood clots.

 Bring a travel pillow

 So I started getting sleepy around my fourth month of pregnancy and my head swung pretty bad in my car so I knew I needed a pillow plus you will use it if you are going on long road trips.

 Don’t forget Imodium (or anti diarrheal pills) 

 I get pretty sick when I get food poisoning and I definitely did not want to risk it. My doctor didn’t tell me about this but I asked her and she said it was okay for me to take while pregnant. She also said if it lasted longer and I got really bad to go get an IV at a hospital asap. I ended up using 1 pill when I went to the beach in Kenitra. We had breakfast there and it was a cheap restaurant so bad idea! I wasn’t the only one to get sick. I brought two boxes of pills so I had enough to share.

 Do not drink ice or from the faucet/ tap water. 

 The doctor did tell me this so I had to keep buying bottled water. Also this is where your thermos comes in handy. In morocco it was hard for me to find cold water especially down south (not ice but cold). The thermos will keep your water cool unlike plastic bottles. Just fill it with any cold bottles you buy. Also always make sure the bottles are brand new because some restaurants will fill them with tap.

 Bring extra underwear/pads

 So one new pregnancy symptom I got while in morocco was that I started to pee if I sneezed to hard or coughed! And sometimes it was ALOT! Pretty embarrassing but also if you are traveling cross country it’s bad when you have to change your underwear multiple times a day. I ended up buying underwear here but they weren’t that comfortable so do not forget.

 Bring sanitizer and wet wipes

 After going to the bathroom or just interacting with people or eating with your hands (before or after) try to always clean your hands/phone/items you touch often in order to prevent sickness. In Morocco lots of dishes are eaten with ones hands and it’s pretty easy to dirty your hands. Also don’t expect much from the restrooms. They have some old style restrooms that are basically a hole in the floor and no lie I kept getting piss splashing on my feet. Wet wipe came in handy because sometimes there’s no running water and most of the time no soap. Bring your own tissue if you need it.

  Bring comfortable bras 

 I brought 1 regular bra and 2 stretchy nursing bras. I don’t plan on coming back while pregnant or traveling for this long anywhere but just in case! I would recommend to bring more.

 Bring Tylenol 

 I used it a few times since in the start of my trip I did so much walking I was in extreme pain (lower back and legs). I also used it before arriving to the Sahara since I was really sick.

  Bring a copy of your marriage certificate 

 I honestly thought this was a bunch of nonsense when I heard that a hotel was asking for this. After all I am not from here and my husband already has citizenship in the US so why right?! But apparently I saw it on trip advisor and I probably missed it I my morocco travel book if not they really need to update.

I was fortunate to have my mother in law find mine and send us a photo. It really didn’t matter that I was pregnant and showing (little bump but still). 

 Buy fruit/snacks for later

 I didn’t each much during my pregnancy but I would wake up starving and having cookies/ fruit to calm me down was the best. The best snacks for the heat are nuts, cookies, and dates. I had a bunch of green bananas that browned in a few hours in the desert, hours....

 Don’t push yourself too hard

 I ended up pushing myself pretty hard with all the walking the first few days (11+ miles) and I started to get pain in my uterus area. Then I got a cold right before our road trip to the south of morocco. I went on a little hike but being extremely sick and pregnant didn’t help. We went later to Marrakech and I walked even more in the heat. Thankfully my hotel was wonderful and my stay there was the best. I took a day to rest up and left out seeing much of Marrakech to stay and rest but my health and the baby is first. 

 Do not go into pools/ hammams/ bath houses that look dirty

 I went to a hot spring that was extremely dirty and gross. Also I didn’t get in because that water was too hot but also think twice to not risk any vaginal infection it’s best to skip that. While there some women were advising me to not be in there because of the baby and my doctor also told me no but it wasn’t that hot for me. Also in my moms country they rinse people with COLD almost ice water so I got cold water and rinsed. Once I started to feel like it was enough I left. Don’t stay until you can’t. The one I went to wasn’t that hot at all since it was more like a medicinal water thing instead of an actual hammam. 

 Bring sneakers that are for walking with grip 

 Many places in morocco do not have the best side walks and especially the old towns can be slippery. So think of comfort and grip before fashion.

 Bring a belly support

 The road can get very bumpy in the car and it made my uterus HURT. Unfortunately I must have taken mine out of my luggage before I came but I know it would have been useful.

   Other tips I wish I would have known/taken:

   Be careful with medication here

  Even throat spray. I bought one and it made my heart rate go up. My husband thought it would be fine because Google says so but I never asked my doctor about it. Plus careful when buying headache medication here because it has penicillin (I’m allergic to that!). I went on to buy alcohol (scotch/whiskey mix) to gargle for my throat which made it better but either way it was a little too late and had to suffer with a stuffy nose, terrible cough, mucus in my lungs, and headache for around 5 days.

 Bring Vick’s and cough drops

 I couldn’t find Vick’s anywhere and when I wanted to buy it on Sunday everyone was closed. Strange for a Muslim country to close things on Sunday but either way that’s how it is so I never got my Vick’s. Vick’s will come in handy just in case you start getting sick it can help open your nasal way. 

 Don’t be cheap with your food

 What’s cheap to Americans isn’t the same thing as people living in Morocco. One family member tried to save us a bit of cash by taking us to a cheap breakfast place but it was 1 really bad tasting and 2 it gave everyone diarrhea. So make sure you use google or trip advisor or if you are in a area that doesn’t really have that just make sure your cups are clean and just see if the place looks dirty/flys on the food etc.

One thing I didn’t mind was honey bees all over my food. In many places you will see this. A honey bee isn’t dirty like a fly and i never got sick from them (i ate pastries/cookies that had been stood on honey bees and I was okay). If you want to stick to more fancier places it’s good too but sometimes you will get hungry on long road trips and those places are usually no where in sight for miles.

  How my trip went:

 Overall my trip has gone well so far minus getting really sick. And no I would never travel abroad for this long while pregnant. If you want to see only some of Morocco or anywhere for a short time and don’t plan on road trips I think it would be fine. Take into consideration the roads, the long hours etc if you are going to try and see the more natural parts of it too. 

 All the walking and the camel ride I had was uncomfortable for my belly as well as scary because I did not want to fall and going down the sand dunes with the camel was terrifying. I also wanted to have more fun and go up the sand dunes and take those cute pictures like some people on instagram do with their partners but I was so exhausted it was really hard to do anything. I basically crawled up with all 4 plus my husband pushing my butt to get up the dune. Then to sleep it was so hot in the rooms I slept outside on a sofa but my back was in even more pain. 

 At Askchour there are 3 waterfalls and I made it past the 2nd one and returned back to it to relax because the third one was another hour hiking. So again don’t push yourself too hard but remember you probably won’t be able to see everything you thought you would compared to if you weren’t pregnant (or sick or both). I wasn’t sick at this hike but I knew I still had to go back down and it was blazing hot. 

 I still have a few days left in Morocco (still sick) and then I will be heading to Turkey for 6 days. Remember that your partner has to be in this to the fullest and try to put on the shoes you are in. My husband was extremely helpful carrying basically all of my stuff everywhere and holding a back pack with my 40oz water and all the items I needed. He also needed to be extremely patient with me since I am holding our child! I needed constant food breaks, pee breaks, and belly massages/ back rubs. Also he had to slow down and wait for me to be able to catch up to certain areas or he would just not go if I couldn’t make it.  Your partner also has to remember that this will affect his vacation too and he has to be okay with that for it to work. 

[latina4rmbx]

To My Sweet, Sweet Boy

Today is my son’s 9th Birthday (AAAHHHHHHHH).  Of course, as any mother would, I’m feeling a big nostalgic.  He is my Baby and time is flying so fast.  Soon, he’s going to be a teenager and my heart can’t stand it.  This one is dedicated to him.

Hi Poppa.  Happy Birthday!  Baby, did I ever tell you that I dreamt you into life?  No?  I did.  My friends could tell you, I’d say, by the time I’m 30, I WILL have another baby.  I don’t know where the baby fever came from.  I don’t know how I knew I was going to have YOU specifically, but my heart told me.  YOU will be it.

Now mind you, I wanted a girl when I pregnant with you, but I never dreamt that I had a girl.  It was always your face.  Always your smell I remembered.  I don’t know how that happened, but I literally dreamed you into life.  I’ll just say it’s “Mommy Power.”

Mommy Power is a special power Mommies have.  We make boo boos feel better with just a kiss.  We make tears stop falling with a hug.  It’s the “special” ingredient we put in our food.  It’s all the same thing...LOVE.

My Mommy Power had me dreaming about you before I even knew your dad.  When I held you in my arms, it felt like I knew you already.  Not because you were inside my belly all that time, but because I had been dreaming of your face for years.

I didn’t even know you were going to be a reality.  My health hadn’t been great, but it definitely wasn’t bad.  But I would say it, I AM going to have another baby.  When I found out I was pregnant, women usually find out first (LOL) I was alone.  I was so happy to make this dream a reality.  To make YOU a reality, I cried.  

Fast forward to the day before you were born.  This would be yesterday, 9 years ago.  I had a routine Drs appointment, however I was high risk, due to the health issues I alluded to above.  I was going to have another ultrasound to see how things were flowing.  I was excited because I was going to see you.  The possibility of my labor being induced had been mentioned, but I didn't want to dwell on it because the thought of it scared me.

This brings me back to when I found out if you were a boy or a girl.  I can see your little stuff on the ultrasound clear as day.  It was funny because I look and I go, oh...OHHH.  I saw your little penis and your dad and I laughed.  He didn’t see it at first.  It’s fine, not everyone sees it at first.

So, I had my last ultrasound and I got to see you again.  Oh, you were beautiful to me.  Then the Ultrasound Tech said:  There’s not enough fluid surrounding your baby, they may have to induce.  You may have to confirm with your dad this part, but I believe I started crying.  I was so scared of being induced.  They didn’t let me go home, they kept me at the hospital.

So I check in, pay my co-payment and wait to be put into a room.  Luckily I was in a room by myself, meaning there were no other mothers in labor with me.  Your dad and your sister Awilda where there with me. They were my support.

A doctor comes in and explains what he is going to do with me.  First, they stick a little pill up my vagina called Pitocin.  This pill is supposed to soften my cervix (lol, google it) to start the laboring process.  Mind you, I’m sitting on a bed, strapped in like a mental patient listening to your heart beat and feeling you try to wiggle, but no labor, no labor pains.

After about a few hours the doctors check my cervix and nada is happening.  Then he says, I guess we’re going to have to give you the medication via IV.  WHAT!!!!!  The doctor says, don’t worry, we’ll start off slow and EASE you into labor.

Baby Boy, I know you will NEVER go into labor, but if you’re with someone that is having your baby and doctors say they’re going to EASE her into labor, be prepared.  This is when the action happens.

So, they give me the IV Pitocin and we wait.  Awilda and Adam are leaving and coming back because they’re hungry or tired and I’m just...waiting.  NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!!  

The doctor comes back in and is like, well we have to increase the medication.  WHAAATTTT!!!!!!  At this point, I don’t even want to have you.  I figured you were going to live inside my belly forever and I would be ok with that.  But noooooo, the doctor had to increase the pitocin.

Now, I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  I can’t go into detail about hour 1 this happened and hour 2 this happened.  I do know that labor began and I felt every single part of it up until I finally got the epidural (OH. MY. GOD.)

So I had been in active labor for about mmmmmmmm, 12-ish hours but I was sticking it out.  It wasn't so bad and I was eventually going to MEET my little baby.  The nurse offered me an epidural and I refused.  WHAT A MISTAKE.

CAVEAT: GET THE EPIDURAL!  I mean, it’s your choice but you wouldn’t suffer with Wisdom Teeth pain or a migraine for over 24 hours, so why go through labor pains when you don’t have to, is all I’m saying.

The labor pains became so intense that I wished I had taken the nurse up on her offer when she initially asked.  It was too late now.  I made a bargain with myself.  If she asks again, I will say yes.  Now mind you, I am scared because I was being induced, happy because I was going to finally meet my baby, in pain due to this induced labor and pissed off because I was hungry, in pain and my two “supports” were asleep.

About 19-20 hours into ACTIVE labor (active labor is me IN PAIN) the nurse finally comes in and is like would you like an epidural.  Lets just say I could’ve kissed her lips.  The doctor had to stick me twice but after I was stuck I was GOOOOOOOOOD.  I barely felt anything and my baby was ok, so far.

Fast forward to RIGHT before I gave birth, this 25+ hours of labor.  A PA came in, read my scans and told me I was ready and asked me to push.  When I pushed, your heart beat slowed down.  She told me to stop pushing.  She looked at the scans again and said, ok, I’m going to ask you to push again.  I pushed and the same thing happened.  Then shit got real.

She tells me, it seems the baby’s umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck and every time you push, it’s decreasing his heart beat.  I got so scared, I thought I was going to have a C-Section (when the baby is cut out of you) She then looks me in the eyes and says:  I’m going to tell you to push and you’re going to push with all of your might.  We’re going to get the baby out.

She goes between my legs and says:  Ready mommy?  PUSH!

I know you don’t know what labor is yet, but the first part of the baby that comes out is the head.  So your head is sticking out of my vagina and the PA says to your dad:  Dad, I can’t ask you to cut the umbilical cord because your baby is in distress, I am going to do it, but come here and watch. (or something to that effect, because I AM TERRIFIED, plus I have a human head sticking out of my nether region, I’m not really paying attention to the specifics).

She cuts the umbilical cord and then she says:  Mommy, get ready to push again.  The shoulders are the hardest part of pushing a baby out of your body.  They’re broader than the rest of the body so more effort has to be put.  Mind you, these things are happening simultaneously so it’s quick.  I’m probably typing longer than it actually took for you to come out.

I push again, but I am TERRIFIED and tired and hungry and worried.  Maybe a second push and your shoulders come out and the rest of you come sliding out of my body.  I have an oxygen mask on, I look like a total mess and they are rubbing you fiercely.  At the time, I didn’t think of it, but they were bringing you back to life.  You were born blue.  Your umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck and as I pushed, I was choking the life out of you.

It didn’t take long for you to start crying and then for me to start crying.  I will honestly say, I didn’t realize it then, but have realized it every day after, that you almost didn’t live.  I almost didn’t get to have the baby I had been dreaming about for years.  Even today, especially today, I realize how blessed I am to have you and believe you have been put here for some truly amazing reason.

One more little story and I will end this post.  After I gave birth, I was in my room and some guests wanted to see you.  You were in the nursery with all of the other babies.  I say, let me go get him, or tell them to bring him.  I start walking toward the nursery and I hear a baby crying.  Now, I will say this is one of the Mommy Power things I was talking about, I knew it was you crying.  The sound of you crying made me cry.  I kept walking toward the nursery and I stop at the entrance and I say:  Baby Velasquez?  There were like 5 people in lab coats surrounding this crying baby and the nurse says:  This is him.  I already knew that because like I said “Mommy Power.”  We will bring him to you.  We are almost done checking him.

No one said anything to me in the room.  I’m guessing I looked horrible when I walked back.  I was just crying.  I also don’t remember correctly.  I remember saying:  They’re checking him, they’ll bring him to us when they’re done.  

Then they did:

XOXO

Thanks for reading.

[ghoulstars]

i Sure Would Like to not have to be literally relieved/excited when my mom goes to bed every single night because otherwise i feel constantly tense and at risk of something happening to make my living situation unsafe, again, even if we’ve had a good/normal day

shes back on her fucking bullshit today and she usually confronts me on things that have made her Mad(tm) that ive “done” but today she hasnt said jack shit to me. all i can figure is: shes upset that i didnt get up and help her stain the wood for the porch we’re building where our old shitty side deck was shes upset bc i didnt wash all the dishes ?????????? who fucking knows

heres the kicker though folks: i didnt wash all the dishes because for some reason, since replacing our water heater, when the water from the sink starts getting cold it doesnt gradually get cold, it literally goes from like scalding hot (even thru gloves) to hardly lukewarm and i was only washing dishes for about 20? 30? minutes last night before the water temp fucking plummeted so i couldnt finish. bonus is that there were literally only like 5-7 things left to wash and it was literally just 3 styrofoam cups, one pot and like...2 or 3 forks/spoons. absolutely incredible and worth spitefully giving your daughter the cold shoulder over, am i right folks

and me helping stain was only even a fucking a possibility because she gave me an open ended offer to help her last night and i gave an open ended response. she asked me if i wanted to try to go to bed early enough and she would call me in the morning and just see if i wanted/felt up to come out and help, and i said i would be willing to try and id do my best. so when my manic ass had a manic moment and i slept for 3 hrs from 6 am to 8 and was dying and couldnt pass back out for any reason of course i texted her and told her i couldnt fucking help lmao. my fucked sleep schedule is a result of my Crazy Quirky Wacky Bipolar 2 anyway and like she refuses to help me or sympathize with me abt my mental health so ??? guess ill die?????

i didnt get back to sleep around fucking like 12/1 pm and i noticed that she stopped fucking replying to my texts literally right after i said i couldnt help and then every time she walked past my room, where i was Clearly Awake And On My Phone With My Door Open, she flat out ignored me. wouldnt even spare me a side glance.

and when i woke up at 5 pm today, no matter how late i wake up my mom always comes and wakes me up no matter what, today she walked by my room twice EVEN WHEN IT WAS THAT LATE AND I WAS STILL IN BED without saying jack fucking shit to me, and only came in on her third time walking back by to her sitting room and just blankly went ‘youre not laying here in the dark’, turned on my light, then swiftly left

then before that she’d texted me, after telling me for weeks to just use our limited data even if it runs over bc our wifi cant handle my phone being connected along with all our other devices anymore, that im going to have to use my laptop now bc she isnt paying another 200$ phone bill this month. here’s kicker number 2: after literally outright giving me her food plans for tonight and tomorrow yesterday she also texts me that she didnt cook. just a flat “I didn’t cook”. im so fucking depressed all the time that i physically and mentally cannot handle getting up to find and cook myself my own like ACTUAL MEALS and making food that requires actual cooking is often times out of the fucking question, and shes been not cooking for SEVERAL nights here recently, sometimes days in a row, and with my depression being wholly unacknowledged by her, once again, guess ill fucking perish??? unless i can miraculously find the energy to make chicken fingers or ramen noodles im going to be doing what ive fucking done almost every goddamn night this past month she hasnt cooked which is live off of snack foods and ensure lmao. KICKER NUMBER 3: she promised me that either tonight or tomorrow, bc she has a Big Foobaw Game, she wouldnt cook and would instead get me my alltime favorite chinese food from my alltime favorite chinese restaurant that she knows i love a lot, and regardless of what night her game was, she didnt cook tonight and i LITERALLY heard her say less than an hr ago that she’d be cooking tacos (which she intended to originally cook tonight) tomorrow. that being said, her specifically saying she ‘didnt cook’ today when she promised to get takeout in general at some point this week makes me think tonight was just supposed to be tacos (esp if what i think i can remember serves). and now she hasnt cooked anything at all! and tomorrow its gonna be tacos! :) fucking knowing how she is and how she works and functions with her abusive behavior towards me i would not be surprised and am also partially convinced that for whatever reason she’s all DooDoo Angery at me that shes doing this on fucking purpose to deprive me of the treat she promised out of spite/as some kind of passive aggressive ‘punishment’ HAHAHAHA ECKS DEE SO FUNNY XDDD

the only other time shes acknowledged my fucking worthless existence(tm) today was to pull one of her Iconic “im only saying this really ridiculous shit that ive never said before and we’ve never talked about before, ever, just to take digs at my daughter bc she Displeased Me” moments, where she walked by, almost totally ignored me again but stopped like. like she was gonna just keep walking but caught herself and she ended up like...halfway obscured by my doorway anyway and quickly said to me “i need you to sweep.” and then she went to the bathroom and i hear “and take your (cat) poop out too. litterboxes get done every night.”

we have two litterboxes. never in the history of ever has she said anything to me about they get done Every Night >:( and that has never been an established rule, nor have we ever even spoken about me doing that. i do them every few nights, usually on different days, bc there’s Two Litterboxes. and surprise surprise my depression impedes my ability to keep up with them without her having to tell me to clean them most of the time which pisses her off, except i literally did them 1-3 nights ago and theres no way that they both need cleaning again already and now shes suddenly on her shit like. they get done. every night. in that fucking vaguely militant voice she gets when she’s mad like that and is fucking with me on purpose

but fucking like even regardless of all this other shit, point blank, she is the one who has not expressed any of her annoyances with me today to make her act like this. how can i fucking communicate about the issue when she doesnt TELL ME WHAT HER ISSUE IS and instead opts to mentally and emotionally screw with me for her own satisfaction--and even then!!! she has no right to be this mad with me over not helping with the porch bc SHE left it OPEN ENDED and NONCOMMITTAL, SHE could have easily asked me why there were dishes left (though bc i have to do them so late at night/early in the morning bc im fucking depressed shed prolly just blame me FOR doing them at that time bc if i do them TOO LATE at night then the WATER TEMPERATURE GOES DOWN because its COLD AT NIGHT or something like that) but she didnt and now like everything else, fresh off my period, still manic, always rapid cycling, just got off the manic depression train slightly after being on it for two days and then before that it was Severely Uncomfortable Euphoria, feeling just so fucking wrong in my own skin and feeling too many emotions that are too strong that i dont want, so on and so forth, im the one whos suffering because of her unresolved neuroses and narcissism

and like....to be honest, real shit? with how fucking unpredictable and fucky she’s become since our Big Fight i also would not be surprised and sort of have half a mind to think she’s just mad for literally no reason (related to me or otherwise) and is doing this just because lol

[chubbychasershortstories]

Early Lessons - Chapters 5, 6 & 7

Chapter 5: Linda, John and Butch

There was a sweet girl about my age working at BK at that time named Linda. She always seemed to smile through the grueling work and I had no idea how she managed it. I worked really hard, but I wasn’t particularly happy while doing it.

We ended a dinner shift together at 10pm and as we left, we headed down the same street. I offered to escort her home as we didn’t live in the safest of neighborhoods. She accepted, thanking me, and asked me in when we made it to her apartment.

We chatted and got to know each other better while sipping on sodas. She was a very warm and caring person. I suddenly had a strange urge and just blurted it out, “I’m gay.” I had never admitted this to anyone I wasn’t in love with. Her response was, “Wow, I’ve never had a gay friend before.” She called me a friend on our first meeting and it felt great. She seemed totally intrigued and asked me questions I hadn’t even considered and couldn’t really answer, given my limited experience.

She opened up to me too and told me she was almost 18 now and had been kicked out of her home for dating someone her parents disapproved of vehemently. The two were married in a civil ceremony 2 months later and shared this apartment. He worked construction on a 10 days out - 4 days in schedule. I really liked John when we met and the three of us would party together and shoot pool at a nearby hall.

Linda had already explained to John that she had a gay friend now and he took it in stride and never made any untoward comments about it. I really respected him for that. We were in Texas after all. The second time we met, John gave me a hug when he got home right after giving Linda a hug and a kiss. He thanked me for being a good friend to Linda. He said he felt better about leaving her alone knowing I would be there for her. It felt really good to have close friends from whom I didn’t need to hide anything about myself. It felt very liberating.

I soon met Linda’s ‘lover on the side’, Butch. He was a reform school kid about our age. He had a very lanky build, weighing barely more than I. He had reform school tattoos that looked horrible and a peculiar haircut with the straight bangs cut at an angle across his face, high to low. He was an exhibitionist as well and I ended up watching him plow Linda with his massive cock on the day we met. Massive didn’t cover it. His cock looked to be 14 inches in length and as thick as a can of beer. I’m not exaggerating. Linda had her head thrown back in a rapturous pose. Butch kept looking back at my awed expression and looked quite pleased with himself at my stunned reaction. Afterward, he would often come by my garage apartment on his own to chat and party and we had a decent friendship of our own going.

John’s current work project finished before the 10-day mark. He arrived home at mid-day unexpectedly and heard a huge commotion in the bedroom. Butch had barely scrambled out the 2nd story window leaving the screen in tatters. John pressed Linda for what was going on and why the window had no screen left.

I heard a knock on my door. It was John with Linda in tow. She was staring at the ground. “Did you just jump out of my bedroom window?” he asked, incredulously. Linda had fumbled for her explanation on his return and resorted to accusing me since John knew I would not have been screwing her behind his back. She really didn’t want to admit to the truth.

I answered, “No?” wondering where the question would have come from. Then the pieces fell into place in my mind. “You LIED to me!” he directed at Linda as she started to cry. “Who WAS it?!?”

I asked them to come inside and talk about it. I don’t know where I found the “wisdom” having no experience, but I sat them down and walked through having them explain what their needs and expectations were. I told them I could feel that they belonged together and that they should work on accommodating each other’s needs to make their marriage work. Otherwise, one or both of them would be suffering until they would inevitably have to break it off. They agreed and worked out a new set of boundaries that they could both accept so that they could remain together in a more honest arrangement. They both hugged me hard and thanked me before leaving for home, hand in hand. Who would have thought that an inexperienced, gay 16-year-old could be a successful marriage counselor?

Chapter 6: The Descent

At work, I continued to outpace every other worker with at least twice the production. I learned my work ethic with my first job at age 5 reclaiming salvaged bricks from demolitions with a hand hatchet and huge screwdriver for a penny a brick.

I had been closing on the weekends for 3 years now. I always hustled while others plodded overnight. I was a smoker and really needed at least a drag or two but wasn’t going to ask for a break. So, I had my smoke in my mouth and lighter in hand as I hustled out the back door with another full trash bin on wheels, headed towards the dumpster in the back of the parking lot. Without missing a beat, I lit the cigarette and enjoyed a partial smoke while quickly dumping the trash and bouncing back. I stomped the smoke out in stride as I hit the back door buzzer.

The closing manager was a tall, skinny Hispanic guy who really didn’t like me for some reason. I think it was straight up racism, but I had tolerated his “white boy” comments and extra assignments without protest. He called me into the tiny back office as soon as I cleared the door. “There was a District Manager parked down the block and he saw you smoking and told me I needed to fire you right now.”

It was 3:30am and I knew he was lying and that he had seen me go out prepped for my partial smoke and was just using the situation to harass me again.

“I know you’re a fucking liar, but here, let me save you the trouble.” I spit my words and pulled my dorky BK uniform off in one motion and threw it into his chest and left. I had another kitchen job in 2 days. Unfortunately, they failed to let me know it was only seasonal and would end with the University’s home-game football season. To my complete surprise, I was laid off in mid-December. This time the job market sucked and no one was hiring. I was set to lose my lease on New Year’s Day.

Chapter 7: Rock Bottom with Butch and Richard

When I let Butch know I was unemployed and about to be homeless, he talked with his roommate and benefactor Richard. Richard decided to take me in, as he had Butch, although neither of us had any resources. He said it would be fine. He laughed and told me I could ‘sing for my supper’ and sleep on the couch. He liked my jokes and loved to hear me play and sing. Richard was very average looking and about 23 years old, I believe.

I was wondering how he could be so generous on his meager salary as an electronics assembler at the Texas Instruments plant. He arrived home on the afternoon of our first Friday as a household grinning like the Cheshire Cat holding his $120.00 weekly paycheck. How could he be so pumped to be holding a weekly check that only covered a third of the rent on his 2-bedroom apartment? I soon found out.

“Come on!” he shouted on the way to his old beater of a car. We piled in and drove by the bank to cash his check then on to his “connection’s” place. With $100.00, he purchased 20 ¼ gram packets of what I later learned was some of the purest crystal meth to hit the city in ages. They called it ‘Crank’. I was clueless but didn’t let on. We sped over to Party A and quickly unloaded the stash for $200.00. We repeated the process, doubling up leaving Party A with $400.00. Back we went to purchase twice the volume then and headed to Party B. $800.00, then $1600.00. I couldn’t believe what I was a part of. I had seen the stuff being snorted at Party A, but at Party B the product seemed to disappear into a back room where the door was always kept closed. I found out later that the users in the backroom at Party B were injecting the stuff. 7 of the IV users migrated to Richard’s apartment to continue the action. I had been given lots to drink and smoke at these parties and was fairly well lit when we got home around 1am.

There was a guy that I was attracted to among the 7 tagalongs. Feeling very uninhibited, I was deep in conversation with him when Butch moved into my side with his back to me while grabbing my right arm off the back of the couch securing it out of my sight in front of him. I tried to finish a thought I was expressing to the cute chubby guy when I felt a sting at the crease of my elbow. Butch held my arm tightly so I couldn’t move. Without my knowledge or consent, Butch and Richard had just mainlined me with 5 of the individual user packets worth of the stuff prepped for a syringe, 1.25 grams. This was apparently my “cut” of the action, along with $50.00 cash.

Before I could get an explanation, the solution pumped through my heart and up to my brain. It felt like being strapped to a rocket. I could feel my rapid, pounding pulse at my temples, ears and neck. After maybe 15 minutes, the initial rush was replaced by a complete sense of euphoria that lasted the majority of 2 days before subsiding. Day 3 was HELL. Every cell in my body ached and yearned. I was grateful that the supply was exhausted or I would have begged, borrowed or stolen for another dose to regain the euphoric effect.

Butch and I were home alone having not slept or eaten yet on Monday, Day 3. That’s when I found out that Butch was Bi. He asked if I would have sex with him. He told me he had wanted to ever since his exhibition show with Linda. He had helped me out of a tight jam and I felt obligated but uninspired as I agreed to try. I warned him there was no way I could take it like Linda had. He assured me he didn’t expect that. Surprisingly, he wanted me to screw him. Try as I might, I couldn’t get my equipment to function for him in my compromised and unenthused state and he settled for a combination BJ and two-handed jerk. I could barely get the head of it in my mouth while guarding my teeth. The experience made me feel hollow inside. I vowed to never have that sort of sex again. Neither Butch nor Richard were my type and I figured they’d expect me to pay for my room and board by having sex with at least one if not both of them. I knew I couldn’t continue down this road. Staying with Butch and Richard would turn me into a meth addicted sex toy.

Stay tuned. More to come.

[makrokosmuss-blog]

Poe having a crush on you would include...(II)

Since so many of you left so many lovely comments: here you go. Part II. Seriously. Thank you so much for those! They mean the universe. Every single one. Part II turned more into a a proper fanfic than more of a preference thing that i originally had in mind. Well. Shit happens. But since so many of your great human beings liked the first one i hope this’ll make you happy as well. The next one will be more ‘normal’ again. I still divided it into 5 minor ‘points’ tho.  Have fun! Love you.  I. Escalating when you confront him... A knock startled him. Not that it was unusual. Some unplanned, rapid mission that he would need to attend to. Not that he’d been asleep. Still he didn’t feel like going out. He just wanted to lay in his bed and suffer thinking about a special someone. Still Poe grabbed his Jacket, throwing it over his shoulders as he opened the door. The first thing he did when he saw you was blink. Once. Twice. Maybe four times (not that he’d counted). He took a deep breath in as you forced a smile and looked down, away from his gaze. Then you heard the door being shot closed.  Oh Shit, he thought. You gasped, furiously staring at the door he’d just slammed in your face. “Commander!?!”, you called after a second, shock written on your face as you knocked again, harder this time. Poe leaned with his back against the door, his heart skipping beats while violently hammering. “One second!”, he answered loudly, happy his voice only cracked a tiny bit. Fuck fuck fuck fuck As the door was opened again, he smugly leaned against the door frame, his hair a bit more tamed. Stay calm Poe, stay fucking calm. be smooth. Smooth. “What was that?”, you asked, your voice low and dangerous. I had a heart attack. THAT happened. “Hmm?”, he answered, smiling strangely. “What did...”, you gave up, taking a deep breath in and looking back over your shoulder before starting to speak up again, “You are my pilot. For the next mission. In two days.” Poe gulped. “Oh.” YES....No....shit...what? You stared at him. Blanky. Okay. He really didn’t like you. This was a bad idea. You sighted, your hand running through your hair. “Okay Listen. Poe. That’s just what it’s like now and we have to deal with it. So...”, you shook your head, frowning as you kept staring straight into his eyes, “How about we meet tomorrow evening for a quick briefing? Just. You know. Quick. Nothing serious.” Poe stared at you as if you’d just sold his droid to the next junkyard. Meet. With you. And like...talk to you. All by ourselfs. I’m going to die. I will, literary, die in front of you. Wait. That’s good. You’d had to save me then. CPR.  “S...uh...su...yeah.” he gulped again nodding. GOOD GOD “Tomorrow. 8pm. Briefing room. Great.”, you said, turned around, leaving him on his own. “Sorry to...have bothered you”, you called, sighting softly. What where you thinking? He didn’t sleep that night. Or just barely. This was a disaster.  II. Trying to ask his friends for help... “Rey!”, Poe called this as he jogged up to her. “Oh...Hi Poe?”, Ray frowned, a bit confused. She knew very well that the Pilot usually spent his free days locked up in his room, probably sleeping through it. Not being up that early, running around base. He ruffled through his hair, grinning and looking around. “I...can we talk?”, he whispered, his grin suddenly fading and being replaced by a frown. Rey frowned too now. “Sure. Yeah of course. Where? Here or-” “I know a place” Rey took a deep breath in, trying to process everything he’d just told her. They sat on top of his X-Wing, the morning sun heating the metal to a lovely degree. “Sooo...what you’re telling me is...you are head over heals for Y/N?”, she asks carefully. He laughs, wildly shaking his head. “NO. Nooee. I Mean. Not at all I....Uh...I....Totally yeah. I love her. I mean...I LOVE her. Completely. Fuck...i love her...oh my god i actually said it” Ray frowned:“You spoke to her like....twice...and the only words you said where...’yeah’ and ‘One second’, Poe.”  “Okay. OKAY. But Listen, yeah?”, he hissed softly, leaning closer to her, “I...wow this sounds scary, i watched her. Like all the time. I like ...how she talks to people and how she...how she fights for our course, how she treats BB8 and how fascinated she gets about the smallest things, how she values everyone and... and I ...may or may not have stolen some mission files to get to know more about her...”, he coughs. “POE!” “Sorry!” “But just...that’s...great okay? You’re a great guy. Just talk to her! Tonight will be great?”, Rey smiles, squeezing his hand. He sighted and looked deep into her eyes. “I...don’t know Ray. I don’t think  can.”  “If she get’s to know you she’ll love you! You’re a great guy Poe!” “But...I mean look at me. I’m...what? Yeah I’m good looking and maybe i’m the best Pilot in the whole Resistance and yeah, I DO have a nice singing voice-” “Okay Poe. Enough.”, Rey stopped him, laughing.  “I know it’s her though. I KNOW. We get to do missions and then we will...we will...fall for each other and one day when we both come home i’ll hold her hand and pull her back and we will kiss underneath the thousand stars above and then she will know too and we...we will marry and the General will be there and the whole RESISTANCE will be there and god, i want at least three kids and-” “You know...maybe....get to know her first?”, Ray stopped him, “You know it’s...easier when you are at least a bit..like..friends first?” Poe frowned. “Yeah...actually...that makes sense. Cause...Friends are like...pretty much like a couple right? I mean. Kinda. Cause...when she’s my friend she already knows that im a great guy...and all that’s missing then is the sex. But then she might be like ‘ah..no man, let’s not ruin our friendship!’ And that would be terrible. Cause....you know...as if sex would ruin a fucking friendship! Sex is like...Sex is a damn upgrade like...like extra cheese on a burger. Sex is good you know?” Rey stared at him, her cheeks gleaming red as Poe sat so close to her, talking away like it was nothing. “Uh....Maybe...i know how to help you tonight.” III. Having stupid ideas... “This is NOT a good idea Ray!”, Poe hissed as she handed him the bottle of alcohol. “Yes it is! You are a fucking idiot when it comes to her so down that damn bottle!” “No!”, he hisses again, trying to stay quiet since they where right in front of the briefing room.  “Down it or you’ll start talking about how many kids you want and how sex is like extra cheese!”, Ray hissed back and Poe stared at her with puppy eyes. “I am that bad am i not?” “You are! So down it!” You stared at the room in front of you. It was 10 to 8 and you leaned against a counter, fetching some coffee for you and Poe. You felt sorry for what you’ve done. The poor guy just didn’t like you and you forced yourself on him like that. That wasn’t a very nice thing of you to do. You sighted, looking at the black liquid. Nevermind. You just had to go through with it now. It bothered you though. A shame he didn’t like you. He seemed like a nice guy, rather funny too, handsome even. It wouldn’t be the first time you caught yourself thinking of his dark eyes. You turned to your right  as you heard that the door had opened. “Evening Comman...Are you drunk?” Poe violently shook his head. “No. Not at all. Just...”, he stumbled to his chair, rather ungracefully sitting down. “No.”, he finished.  You put down the coffee, walking over to him to put the cup in front of him. You squatted down, on hand on his thigh and one of his forehead. “Are you sick then? You don’t look very good...” “You look...abso...absolutely gorgeous tho.”, he muttered, staring into your eyes. You leaned even closer. “You ARE drunk. Sorry but i know rum when i smell it.”  Poe glanced at you. “Sorry. It was only a sip. It uh...was my free day. Uhm...A friend came over.” You stared right back into his lovely dark eyes and nodded slowly. “No problem...”, you stood up again, “I like a drink myself from time to time so...whatever you like.” You walked over to the counter, fetching a glass of water for him. “Here. Drink that. It will help. A bit.”, you smiled softly and your hands touched as he reached for the glass. His eyes locking with yours again. “You are so nice you know that?”, he frowned as he said that. “Uh...thank..you? So...about the mission...” “Mission?”, Poe asked. You sighted. “Tomorrow. But...no worries it isn’t much. You pretty much just have to...get me there and then bring us back home. I just have a few people to take out... I made out...”, you got out a map and started showing different spots, talking about what you would do and why and all he could think about how beautiful your lips where and how exceptionally good your hair looked that evening.  “You got all that?”, you asked after a while. Poe blinked and stared back at your eyes. “Yeah.”, he nodded slowly. “Good.”, you sighted, exhausted, “Great. So i’ll see you tomorrow.”, you smiled.  “No!”, Poe interrupted and you stood still, “Uh I...”, he started and you frowned, searching for a reason to keep you in the room for a tiny bit longer. . “Yes Commander?” “Nothing...I was just...it’s nothing.”, he muttered. He sounded quite sad. He slept good that night. Most likely because he fell into bed as he finally reached it, the Alcohol really kicking in now. Remembering your soft hand on his cheek. IV. Having troubles on missions... He woke up sober and to the beeping of BB8. “Woar buddy...”, he groaned, holding his head, suffering from a pretty bad hangover. That was one bottle in like 10 minutes. What the fuck was he thinking? BB8 beeped again, more aggressively now.  “What Missio...THE MISSION. FUCK.” Poe stumbled out of the hanger, zipping up his boot and dropping his jacket about 5 times along the way as he ran up to you. He still couldn’t quite believe it. There you stood. He took a while to take that in.  You where in complete uniform, all black with a rather big rifle on your back, a knife on your belt and a blaster in your hand as you nervously walked back and forth, smoking, mumbling to yourself, checking your blaster over and over again.  “You Nervous?”, he finally asked with a small smile as he approached you. You looked up at him and he swore he saw a bit of fear in your eyes. “Morning Commander. No I’m good. Everything will be good.”, you nodded. “Ahh...”, he looked down, “Sorry for yesterday. I..a friend came over and i couldn’t...i shouldn’t have been drinkin-” “It’s fine!”, you interrupted him. “It’s all good., no worries. Let’s just get this over with, yeah? I am actually nervous -  i was lying. Let’s go.” BB8 beeped softly and you looked at the droid. The rifle was placed between your thighs now and Poe couldn’t help to notice your fingers softly gliding over the metal as he flew. While he looked at you you gazed at the weapon. “So...uh...is...are you always nervous or is this mission special?”, he tried to break the silence.  “I’m always like this. I’ll just mentally run through my plan again. I’m...a woman of focus Commander. The second we’ll land i’ll be good. But yes. This mission is a bit harder than usual. Although i do have the best Pilot of the Resistance at hand.”, you spoke, smiling softly. He smiled back and soon looked away before he could start blushing. “So I...I just put us down, wait for you and...fly us back home when you’re done?” “Yes.” “Is there nothing i can help with?” “No.” “isn’t that dangerous? You going all by yourself?”

 He looked at you and you just chuckled.  “Do you...ever want to stop?”, he asks, frowning. “Not as long as i’m still needed.”, you answer. “But like...i just mean...people with your profession usually don’t get to live very long.” You look at him. “What do you want Dameron?” “I Just mean”, he sights, “Maybe your loved ones rather have you at home than you know...going out killing people who are three times your size. Always returning with a few broken bones and a concussion...”, he hisses, his hands nervously stroking the control panel. You blink. “Did you read my medica-” “NO. I just Mean it. I just...guessed you come home rather bruised. I mean...i see you around the base you know. It’s not a pleasant sight..” You stare him down. “Well sorry i’m not a pleasant sight for you...” Poe groans. “That’s not what i meant. You are a very pleasa....uh...i mean it’s just not nice seeing one of us walking around so bloodied and beaten all the time. I’d rather see you save.” “And i’d rather see you save. So what. You wonna stop flying now just because I want you to?”, you ask, staring straight at him. He stares back, biting his lip. “Okay you win. Just take care, yes?” You smile softly, shaking your head. “I will.” The landing is extremely soft. You barely feel it. He really is good.  Poe notices that you are more relaxed now. You look around, squatting down, touching the ground, looking up, noticing in wich direction the wind blows. Poe watches you, quite fascinated.  “I will be back in 2 hours.”, you start, walking up to him. He leans against his X-Wing, hands in his pockets. “If i won’t be back in 6, don’t come looking for me, go home. You hear me?” He frowns. “What? No!”. “Yes.”, you simply answer. You walk even closer to him, your hand touching his shoulder. Before turning and walking off.  V. Waiting for  you... Poe sat down, talking to BB8. It’s been three hours and he got more nervous by the minute. This job sucked. No way he would leave after 6 hours. He would rather run in there unarmed than leaving. He leaned back, laying down, staring at the sky. If only he could remember what this mission was even about. If only he had listened to you. If only... He heard footsteps and immediately shot up, looking ahead.  “You’re hurt.” It was the first thing on his mind and tongue as you stumbled up to him, throwing your rifle aside and collapsing next to him. You just fell to your knees and he had his hands on your shoulders, steadying you.  “What happened? Are you...shit you’re blee-” before he could finish his sentence your hand was on his mouth. “Shhhh.”, you whispered. “Listen. We can’t leave now. They know i’m still around and as soon they see us lifting off they will shoot us down, we will- “, he interrupted you this time as he pulled your hand away. “LISTEN, i’m the best pilot out there. You need medical attention, we need to bring you-” “I’LL be fine.”, your hands are on his chest now. “Really i’ll be fine. Yes we could go rush home but why not stay here for a while and let them give up their search. It’s safer.”  Poe frowned. “You are bleeding. You need-” “I’m FINE.”, you hissed again and only now did he notice how close you where. “Let’s...please let’s stay here for the night. They won’t find us...help me out of my jacket please...” He automatically reached around you to pull the leather off you. You hissed softly and rested your head on his shoulder. Poe took a deep breath. “Shit Y/N...”  “I’m good Poe.”, you whispered and he could feel your breath on his neck.  “Wait...i got a first aid kid somewhere in that X-Wing...”, he muttered, before softly pushing you back and jumping up.  “Thanks...”, you sighted softly and lay back on the ground. BB8 beeping nervously around you. You chuckled softly and shook your head. “I had worse Baby.” Noticing how bad his hands where shaking you took them in yours and Poe looked up at you. He nodded softly and gave the tape to you, as you continued to wrap it around your middle. It was getting dark, and you lay back after you where done, moaning softly as your body relaxed.  “Shit...what a day, right?”, you chuckled softly. Poe stared at you. He was sitting next to you. “Are you shivering?”, he asks. “It’s alr-”, before you could finish he already undressed and softy lay his jacket over you. You laughed and grinned at him.  “What?”, he asked, smiling himself now. “Nothing. Nothing Commander.”, you closed your eyes again. “Just...just call me Poe...”  You opened them again, looking into his dark eyes, a small smile on your lips. “Okay.” Poe leaned back, glancing at the setting sun in the distance. At least there was something he could stare at except for you.  VI Confessing... “So...you are a nice guy after all. Everyone was right.”, you start after a while of silence. Poe looks back at you. “What?” “I felt a bit bad that you didn’t really like me.”, you mumble, your arm lazily spread over your eyes, “so I asked a few people if that was just...you know...you. But no. Apparently you where nice to everyone else.” “Was I...was i mean to you?”, he asked, blushing softly. You take your hand back and your eyes meet. “I mean...not directly. You just...you know.” He groans softly, laying down now. “I know. I was a bit of an idiot. Sorry for that.”  “I forgive you. Poe Dameron. No matter what it was.”, you whisper. Him laying right next to you.  “Although....”, you start again, turning to look at him. He turns his head to and you stare at each other for a moment.  “Although i’d like to know the reason.”, you finish.  He frowns and sights softly. Then he looks away and sits up. “I can’t.”, he mumbles. You sit up too and he quickly glances at you as you hiss softly, holding your abdomen. “Lay back down!”, he commands, worried about you.  You smirk and shake your head. “All good. I just...”, you smile at him, studying his face for a while, “I just don’t get you, Poe. I read people for a living. But I can’t see through you.” He stares at you before looking down at his lap. “Maybe it’s better that way”, he jokes.  “You are afraid.”, you say...frowning, your eyes tracing his face, your hand reaching out to him.  He doesn’t answer. Just looks at you. His eyes half closed. Leaning into the touch as your fingertips reach his cheek , moving forward till your hand cups the side of his face, then running down through his hair to the back of his head. “What are you-”, he smiles but you interrupt him. “You are afraid of...something big. Are you afraid to die Poe? Afraid of...of that truth that...death is unpreventable and that one day...we will most likely lose to the First order. That we can’t fight forever and if we do we end up captured tortured or dead...because i am sometimes and i have that same expression then.”, you whisper and as you speak, he gets paler. Not just because you were partly right, but because you sound weaker and weaker by the minute.  And you can feel it too. You can feel your vision blur and your head spinning.

 “And...”, you chuckle a bit, looking down, your hand tracing back to his cheek, “You know that’s okay. Because...because it’s like this for everyone. Oblivion is certain and....and we’re all doomed and it’s...it’s just making me very happy to be doomed together with you, Poe Dameron.” Your voice cracks and he sees that your eyes glisten and that you still smile softly and he feels your fingers tracing his jaw. “Y/N?”, he asks carefully. And in that moment you cough slightly and he holds you because if he wouldn’t you would’ve collapsed and tumbled to the floor.  “Shhhh...it’s all good. I’m here...you need a doctor Y/N, Now!”, he hissed softly, running his hand through your hair to keep it out of your face.  “Stay awake will you? You hear me? HEY.” You can feel him softly slapping your cheek but you can also feel you loosing consciousness. “I’m getting us out of here. NOW” You hear him say and you feel him picking you up and carrying you up into the ship. “Stay with me, yes? You hear me? Uh...speak to me. Tell me anything. Stay awake!”, he demands and you hear buttons being pressed and BB8 anxiously beeping.  “Like what, Commander?”, you joke, your vision blurry, voice weak. You can feel his hand on your thigh squeezing you. “I don’t know. Anything. Tell me about yourself.” “There’s not much to tell.”, you whisper, about to slip away. He squeezes you tighter. “HEY. Stay with me, yes?” “Sure...”, you mutter. You can barely hear him by now. But you can feel your warm blood running down your body. “There is LOADS to tell. Like...Like...when you ....fuck...uhm...” He concentrates on flying for a second, looks away, types in some things and reaches over to do some more and when he looks back he sees you slipping away, your head falling back and he panics.  “Y/N! Hey!”, his hand reaches out to your neck and holds you up and your eyes flutter open.  “You with me?”, he asks anxiously. “Yeah...here Commander...”, you joke, closing your eyes again. “We’ll be there in a minute, okay? Just..come on talk to me...” You stay silent and it makes him more nervous as he softly shakes you. “Hey hey, don’t you fucking dare to die, i’m getting nervous here!”, he hisses and actually makes you smile. “I’m good Poe really...”, you whisper, trying to concentrate on your breathing, eyes closed, “You’re doing a good job, Poe.” “Uhu..”, he mutters, “Sorry i never had to help anyone not dying. I know..uh I know i should’ve gotten us out earlier. Damn. Sorry for that. I...Hey are you with me?” You hum in approve, leaned back in your seat next to him.  “Good cause...cause if anything happens to you I wouldn’t forgive myself for that stupid mistake and..over all i wanted to...”, he gulps, “Tell you that i really like you. That you’re pretty great actually.” You chuckle softly, eyes still closed. You’re bleeding all over the floor and you can feel his hand pressed against your wound, trying to make it stop.  “Nice that you noticed. Finally.”, you joke softly, coughing.  “No. I noticed a while ago. Really. I’ve been in love for you for quite som....oh shit.” Your eyes open and you snap your head at his direction. He stares at you. “Did I just...fucking say that?”, he whispers in shock, staring back at you.  “Was that why you...Oh my god...”, you close your eyes again, “This is NOT the right moment Dameron.”, you hiss, at least staying awake now. “Damn I know. I’m so sorry I know i just...i didn’t want to...”  “I like you too.”, you mutter and he falls silent.  “Really?”  “Really. You’re great.” You look at each other for a moment. “Don’t die. Please.”, he pleads and you start to laugh. “I won’t.”, “No?”. “No.”, you chuckle. “Good. Cause...you know...”  “I know yeah.”, you smile.  “Can I still kiss you though? Just to be sure i did it?” “Are you Serious Dameron?” Before you can say anything he turns to you, pressing his palm against your cheek. You stare at him in shock but he just takes a breath, leans in and you can feel his soft lips against yours.  You gasp softly before closing your eyes and moaning silently against him. He pulls back so slightly that you can still feel him against you.  “Don’t die, yeah?”, he whispers, his eyes half closed, staring into yours. “No...”, you whisper back, his thump running over your bottom lip, before pecking your lips again. “Good.”, you exhales shakily, your foreheads touching before he properly sits back into the pilot seat. “Good.”

@galactic-organa @ darknessbetweenthestarss   @bluegreyme @jessicaguerreiro07 @ heartache97 @ chupacabrachel

[blahblahemblem]

heroes barracks tour: fliers

same as last time, but with a different unit type!

note: I wrote this about a week ago, lol. I haven’t changed anything since then.

Fliers are probably my favourite unit type right now. The reason is quite simple – their unparallelled mobility makes them highly flexible and allows them to pull off feats that other movement type teams can only dream of. I’m also very lucky in that I managed to acquire all 3 of the currently existing ranged fliers. As of the moment I’m typing this, my main flier team is my arena offence and defence (Michalis is a bonus unit <3). It’s also only thanks to them that I cleared Chain Challenge 11 & 12 (namely, they got me through the chapter 11 bit), and I’ve been liberally using them to clear Infernals of various BHBs and GHBs.

(Note from today: using a mixed team with Michalis on it during the first week of the Winter’s Envoy bonus set, I was able to get into tier 20 for the first time with a score of 4890!)

5* builds

+spd -hp

Random pitybreaker from Ylissean Summer. The story is as follows:

Mercifully this was only at 3,25%.

I’d not spent any effort on her yet at all aside from throwing her the Iceberg. She doesn’t even have enough SP to learn Fortify Fliers which she comes with.

Usage: None whatsoever. Her attack is pitifully low to the point that she does awfully against units she’s supposed to counter because she can’t ORKO them and she takes massive damage in return. Admittedly she could do some mage countering. But she doesn’t.

Future improvements: I have grand plans for poor Caeda. I intend on giving her a Wo Dao+ and refining it for extra MT. As for passives, the good ole Fury Desperation combo. Then she could either do massive damage through Iceberg while also being capable of charging it a bit by soaking up magic hits, or inherit Moonbow to go and go to town on that. Unfortunately that’s quite a long way away because I don’t even have any Athenas anymore and when I do pull one there’s a very long queue for those feathers.

+atk –res

Pulling Nowi was nothing short of a miracle which you can see here under Henry’s section. It’s especially amazing in her case because the reason I only had 9 orbs ready for a limited units banner was that I’d blown all of them trying to get Hinoka, you know, the girl famous for being the only permanent source of Hone Fliers.

I don’t see any reason to change her default build. I quite like Atk/Res Bond as Nowi is glued to other units all the time anyway. Hone Fliers is a given. Renewal keeps her HP in range of Grimoire’s passive effect (which is amazing and I love it on Nowi but Takumi really doesn’t need it).

Usage: As the only carrier of Hone Fliers in my barracks, Nowi is essential to my flier team, so I’ve been working her to the bone since the moment she got here.

Improvements: I don’t have access to Renewal 3.

+spd –res

I had promoted her before I decided to make this account my main, as part of my now realised effort to own a 5* copy of every unit in the game. It’s kind of a funny coincidence that Shanna just now experienced a rise in popularity thanks to the Voting Gauntlet. Personally I’m currently not a very big fan of Shanna even though there’s nothing wrong with her, a fact that has absolutely nothing to do with loving Takumi too much and being bitter.

Usage: She has over 1k HM mostly thanks to the time when she was one of my very few trained 5* units and I had to rely on her in the first two Tempest Trials. I haven’t been using her often lately (see above). When I finally get over myself, I will continue my attempts to create a mixed team with her and BK.

Improvements: She has Firesweep Lance+, LaD2, and Drive Def 2 inherited but lacks the SP. She also needs an assist.

+atk –hp

My first free 5* summon on this account, coming from the Ephraim & Eirika’s BHB banner.

So far this is just her default build. I’ve been focusing on units that fit specifically on monotype teams, so Tana, who would of course be better off on a mixed team so Guidance doesn’t go wasted, has been left behind.

Usage: See above. I do take her out for AA quite a lot because I can then use her to Guidance-drop an armour somewhere convenient.

Improvements: She has Hit & Run and Swap inherited but not learned. I’m also planning on giving her Close Defence from the second Joshua so I can take advantage of Vidofnir’s passive effect.

+spd –hp

First summon from Nohrian Summer; too bad that one was before free summons became a thing. It came as quite the convenience since I was planning on promoting a Cordelia anyway (I had a +atk 4* one in my barracks).

Another constant presence on my main flier team, although unfortunately also the most expendable, as the bulk of player-phase damage is handled by the mages and she can’t tank at all.

Usage: Maxed HM. As part of my flier team, she is fielded very very often, but, again, she is also the member with the lowest kill count. Fortify Fliers is a very big contribution on her part however, as pretty much everybody else on the team appreciates it, and so is Reposition.

Improvements: Merging her might not be a bad idea since she’s so common, but I’m just not feeling it yet so that’s up in the air. LaD3 is also something she probably wants, but I’m not going to give it to her unless I pull a Minerva again by accident; even then it’d probably go to Shanna first over her. Death Blow is on the table, but there are no Kleins available and she’s not a priority for it.

+atk –res

I suffered for her so fucking much. I hit a 5% rate on Nohrian Summer and have given up twice along the way. It was all so fuCKING WORTH IT

I don’t hide the fact that I fucking hate Corrin as a character with a passion, but honestly I love my summer Corrin a lot. She has pretty art and an adorable chibi sprite and she’s the deadly centrepiece of my Flier Emblem. I can’t believe Heroes made me feel positive emotions towards Corrin but here we are.

Build is as standard as it gets, monotype team bladetome nuke.

Usage: Maxed HM, honestly after what I said above you can already infer that she’s one of my most used units

Improvements: I could give her Fury but her default Swift Strike has been working well for me thus far so I see no real reason to.

+2, neutral (obviously)

HIM

I don’t know why but I’m in love with this stupid edgelord. I had him promoted kind of just to promote a GHB unit on my old main and ended up getting very attached and promoted him again when I switched to this account the first chance I got. Now he’s my first deliberate merging project. I gave him a Hector. He’s my pride and joy and my favourite unit (sorry to any tacos that were hurt by this).

I absolutely adore the Hauteclere upgrade as well, because it lets me do so much amazing bullshit, like this:

Usage: LOL

Improvements: I missed one copy of him during his first rerun so unfortunately I’ll only be able to merge him to +3 for now, but you bet your ass I’m going to keep merging when we get more copies. QR3 is in the plans as well. Aether is a distant possibility.

neutral

She’s the reason I don’t have Hinoka. I got her off Flier Boost Skills when there were no blue orbs. I got Nowi literally the next minute though, so it’s fine, I’m glad to have Minerva now.

I’ve literally just thrown DF and Desperation at her default build so far. I may be happy I have Minerva, but I haven’t used her much yet.

Usage: See above.

Improvements: Needs SP to learn Desp 3 and Ward Fliers. Needs an assist. Once I get around to upgrading her Hauteclere (and believe me there’s quite the line ahead of her), I might go for the touted Moonbow spam build instead of building up a big nuke with DF. That’s her brother’s domain (see above).

+atk –hp

Cherche’s Brave build is quite famous and I like her so I made it happen, end of story.

Usage: I’ve been busy with my main team on which Michalis reigns supreme so I haven’t got around to doing anything with her yet after she learned the important skills. I might consider replacing Cordy with her once she learns Fortify if only so that somebody keeps earning HM, but we shall see.

Improvements: Needs SP for Fortify Fliers. I might give her one merge for that one extra point of atk. Might also give her Desperation once I get around to upgrading the Brash Assault seal so I can try that bucket of fun out.

+hp –def

I got two Hectors and a Deirdre from Fjorm’s banner. I decided to give up. Then I had some orbs and an itch to try again. There was one green orb and it was Cammy.

Now that I have her I have zero clue what to do with her. Right now I’m leaning towards Gronnblade, but I don’t have any Ninos at all. We’ll see I guess.

Usage: None yet

Improvements: Different tome, different assist, passives, everything basically

Lower rarity builds and merge projects

neutral

Palla has served me very well as the designated red flier on my makeshift 10th stratum quests team up until I pulled h!Nowi. Yes, I was using this free Palla we got from those Whitewings quests ages ago over my 5* Caeda with good IVs, because well. Palla can tank, and has Goad Fliers. She’s sort of retired now, but I’m considering making some kind of 5* build for her if I get one with good IVs. I’m thinking of capitalising on her good bulk since the other two sword fliers are more glass-cannon like. (Not that I’m about to get an Elincia any time soon...)

+2, +def –res

More bulk, this time in green. I’m sitting on a ton of 3* Berukas, but I don’t really want to spend extra feathers since aside from Glimmer which is still a questionable choice despite the lower cooldown she has nothing to offer as inheritance. Anyway, once I get her past +7 one way or another I will be giving her a Slaying Axe+ from a promoted version of herself. At some point. She’s on the list somewhere.

+10, +atk –forgot

Est haunts my dreams. I just merged all of them to get rid of the plague in my barracks and now I have this. Now, at 3* +10, she has the same raw stats as a 5* of her would, and in fact even has +1 to HP and def. She’s never getting a 5* weapon or expensive inherits unless I’m overrun with pitybreaker Abels, but she might prove to be a good asset in a pinch. With a simple Brave Lance, Atk+3 in A slot and the Atk+3 seal that’s 49x2 atk before buffs. If only I would bother to train her...

Not pictured:

Narcian’s default build is excellent for niche AA usage, but I haven’t needed him in a while. Valter is still untrained. Both of them are going to be kept around for HM purposes and because of GHB quests, but neither are getting any merges. I don’t know what I’m going to do with Panic Ploy yet but I want it as an option, and Lancebreaker 3 is obvious.

[briteboy]

yelling @ santi, i’m evil again (what else is new), SOME REALLY REALLY OLD ASKS, one GoT spoiler at the very bottom (beware)

*angrily slaps santi* GET YOUR SELF TOGETHER YAH POOP HEAD

Lou and Fiona deserve happiness pls let it happen ty

they do ;-; it will happen, don’t worry, no one suffers forever <3 i’ve actually been planning out lou’s story and i’m excited to actualize it hehe

I just read all of Santis story. Dear god, it is amazing. I cannot begin to describe how much I love it. I have been really sick lately and have such a hard time concentrating on anything for more than one second but I have not been able to look away from this story, not even when I re-read it for the third time. You are an amazing writer and I have fallen in love with every charachter you have introduced. I teared up so many times and my heart began beating fast, it was really an experience.

OH MY GOD ;___________; YOU READ IT THREE TIMES WHAATDOSOIGODFSKL holy shit thank you so much, i don’t even know what to say right now lmao ;-; i’m just kinda in awe that i was able to grab your attention like that and that you enjoyed it so much and just askjdjfsd THANK YOU i can’t say anything else but just thank you, people like you make this all worth it <3 

A case of the novembers is the kinda story you read and you just know its going to stick with you for awhile. Like ones day, you'll be long gone in the future, doing something totally different, older wiser, all that bullshit, and you'll just randomly remember what a bittersweet story it was.

OMFG ;___; holy heck asjdjnfkdkjs this really got me right in the heart lmao. that’s the kind of story it’s always been for me and seeing other people interpret it that way as well is just mind boggling, thank you <3 

You are evil. My poor heart hurts. ;______________;

you've ruined my life

Life hack: listen to the entire Hamilton soundtrack whilst working out at the gym. By the end of it, you'll have lost half your body weight due to sweating and crying at the same time (pls help this was such a bad decision)

OMG that’s me with grimes’ art angels lmao i go hord to kill v maim and venus fly

hamilton fans also go hord i respect it. learn more about history get swole killing two birds with one stone

Okay this is so fucking random but a while ago you did a post where you talked about perfect bby gianni saying that he spent a lot of time in introspection and like Thank you 'cause now I have a word to put on this thing I do when I try to figure why I feel certain things or what my relationship with people/random shit is and why and yeah I kind of understand myself a little better now so thx a lot!!! 😘😘😘 Also, you're great.

i think i was actually talking about santi (’cause that’s where we’re at right now, in that period of introspection for him heheh) but YES omg that makes me so happy ;-; it’s a good word lmao and i do the same thing, in fact i’m always trying to figure out my relationships with everything in order to understand myself more. that’s kinda why i’m so into astrology haha. i’m glad you finally got to pin down that feeling for yourself, it’s the best when that happens <3 YOU’RE GREAT TOO 💫

NOOOOOOOO MY FAVS THIS CAN'T... LOU.... SANTI PLS... THIS IS A RIOT 😭😭

let’s start protesting santi in the streets

Hi!! Umm I'm guessing you do but just in case, did you know there was a tear accessory? I think it's an eyeliner (cause you mentioned having to draw them yourself)

yeah i do! i mentioned the ones by s-club, i’ve used those a couple times. but i like drawing them myself because i feel like it’s weird to have the same single teardrop every time one of my characters cries (and we all know they’ve been crying a lot lately lmfao) if they didn’t cry often i probably wouldn’t feel compelled to draw the tears. but i don’t mind drawing them honestly, it’s kinda fun lmao. thanks for your consideration <3 

so im sitting here thinkin....... what if santi goes on this trip and coms back and lou is in a relationship!?!?!

👏santi👏get👏it👏together👏

HE’S TRYIN

i want to die

AAAH SOLE DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN CUTE DEVIL CHILD AND I ALMOST DIED TWICE TATOO MAN YES

I HAD TO READ THIS LIKE THREE TIMES TO UNDERSTAND IT LMFAOSDOJDKF BUT YES their relationship kills me the most ;__;

wait santi tried to kys :'(

WHERE U BEEN he did  :{

what font do u use in your histories?

arial!

hi u have a really pretty blog and I hope you have a good day

THIS IS SO SWEET I DON’T DESERVE IT ;-; I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY TOO HONEYBEE 🌻

nyooooooom

I WENT M.I.A FOR A LITTLE AND I COME BACK TO READ UP ON THE STORY AND HOW DARE YOU ASHDDJFKL

@teishajenaie on instagram looks like Rooney to me, idk if you'd agree but ??

i see it!! definitely in the eyes and nose. also sorry i answered this literally like 3 months later lmao

gooey by glass animals gives me santi vibes :) ive been listening to it on repeat (bc im tht bitch) and it was making me think of you and his story! c: i hope you dont mind me over here lmao anyway, im excited to see where it goes and real excited for a back story for lou!! <3 lots of love

omg haha that’s actually funny because i used it in that one scene of him tripping, although it’s like completely a gianni song to me (at least personality-wise, it’s even on his playlist on my character page) and noooo i don’t mind, i love that song and i love when people recommend me songs!! i have a whole bunch of recommendations in my inbox that i need to acknowledge omg. anyway I’M EXCITED THAT YOU’RE EXCITED, especially for lou’s story, it’s coming up reeeeeal soon <333

i feel so late to the party but i Just started reading your story like five minutes ago and im absolutely entranced by it already and i cant wait to catch up and finally understand what to heck is going on

this was sent literally forever ago when santi and molly were out there being wild in the desert lmao so i hope you caught up and everything. “entranced” omg that’s such a wonderful word i’m honored

i didnt think i could love you more but the fact that you watch arrested development makes me so happy. i cry. my boyfriend has a mr manager, bluths frozen bananas shirt thats literally my favorite thing ever.

OMGGG YES i watched it once forever ago and i need to re-watch it asap lmao. I’M PRETTY SURE I BOUGHT THAT SAME EXACT SHIRT FOR MY BROTHER FOR CHRISTMAS ONE YEAR

Just a biiig prank. Huge

this one is from so long ago i don’t remember the context but i laughed at loud when i read it. huge

i was playing with uncharted for the first time today and they said Navarro in it and i was like THATS MY BOI SANTIII

santi infiltrating everyone’s lives my bf played uncharted tho!! it looked cool. like indiana jones. i liked the marketplace part. a monkey stole his apple

Hi sunny! I really am in love with your story (even if it's tearing me apart at the moment) and just wanted to say you're cool Stay strong ma dude

HI THANK YOU <333 you’re also cool my dude and i’m sorry for tearing you apart (if it makes you feel any better this story tears me apart on a daily basis)

what packs and expansions do u have for ur game?

ummmmmm all of them except vintage glamour and fitness stuff. i wish i didn’t buy some of the stuff packs lmao but what can ya do i actually didn’t even get vampires or bowling or parenthood until like a month ago lmao i’m late to the party

Oh shit she's been dead hasn't she. Like this is all a drug or alcohol infused bender of mollys memory, she's probably never left. They're probably still at the hospital. I hope I fucking wrong but shit I also hope not. Poor santi

we’re so far past this but i just wanted to publish this anyway lmao it was a good theory! and this person was so sure of it it kinda made me wish it was true lol. sorry if that disappointed you but i’ll always remember this one in my sad sad heart 💔

how long did it take for you to make friends here? I started a simblr because I really like storytelling with my sims & I thought it'd be fun to meet people who enjoy that, too, especially since I don't have many friends irl...but I've been here for quite a few months now and it seems like no one even cares that I'm here....everyone I try to interact with pretty much ignores me after a message or two....I'm just feeling really discouraged about my presence here :/

I’M REALLY SORRY I DIDN’T ANSWER THIS SOONER ASKJDKJFSDKA (i’m sure it didn’t help the fact that you feel ignored, i really really hope you see this) but okay uhhhhhhh i only had acquaintances from 2015 up until like this year? then i started really becoming close with people. so it took a while lol, but i think everyone starts off slow because it’s mostly about the actual game we’re playing at first and then making friends just happens through that. don’t get discouraged, like i said it took a while for me. you really just need to reach out to the people you’d like to become friends with, reply to their posts, give your genuine thoughts, say something that’ll make their day...people notice that no matter what they have going on, i promise. i hope you’re still here and hanging in there. don’t get caught up in who’s talking to you or not talking to you, just do your thing, enjoy what you do, and people will notice you. <3

3. Hi so I just wanted to say that I love your story, I'm here for every update. I'm an s3 player I play s4 every once in awhile but s3 has my soul. I love Santi and I know he will be happy in the end, whether it's with Lou or not(hopefully it is tho) I only want him to be happy. I go through so many emotions in one post, like this is a tv drama and I can’t wait for the next episode. This is the end of my cut and paste. Have a nice day.❤️

HI HELLO <3 this is so sweet and i can’t believe you actually care about my story lmao thank you i’m glad you have faith in his happy ending, i don’t want anyone to think i genuinely like making my characters suffer lmao. i only do it to make the happy ending more satisfying. asjdfjksd comparing my stuff to film or tv always makes me so giddy so THANK YOU ily <333

"Suicide before you see this tear fall down my eyes" (Beyonce) reminds me of Molly's situation soooo muchhhh aaaahhhhh

OMG YES what a good connection. good song good connection yaeeahhh better call molly with the good hair

Ummmm... hello! I just read through your whole story with Santi and I'm like... holy fuck. Not only is your story wonderful, your editing is so good. I'm surprised I didn't shove my eyes up against my computer screen. Please continue making wonderful things and being great. Signing off 12:31 in the morning, I hope you have as much fun as you want to

“as much fun as you want to” omfgasdkngjd why did that make me laugh so much. don’t have too much fun, have the responsible amount of fun anyway HELLO thank you soooooO much ;-; pls don’t shove ur eyes up against the screen i’m almost positive that’s not good for them. but i appreciate this so much thank YOU for being great <3 signing off at 2:18 in the morning after ignoring this message for months now (i’m sorryyyyyyy) but um ily

HELLO??? I JUST READ A SERIOUS CASE OF NOVEMBER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I'M LIKE CRYING???? y u do dis to me I hate you and love you at the same time

(I need to rant I'm sorry) My uncle is really positive towards the army and war and stuff like that and all day he's been going on about how it should be mandatory to serve in the military, especially for "little brat girls" like me? And it's stressing me out so much I want to cry :( The army and war is something that genuinely scares me and I don't want anything to do with it, but he's just going on and on! What should I do?

this is literally sooooooooo late and i feel so bad i’m sorry, i hope this still helps you out and i hope you see it tho okay. i’m pretty sure this was even before the trans military ban like whew idek what your uncle must think about that. tbh just ignore him, like i know it’s hurtful but like...what is his point in telling you this? i would’ve literally been like (sarcastically) “ok then sign me up” but i’m also a lil shit so that’s probably not the best thing to say. but really like the only thing he’s trying to do is feel powerful by means of expressing his militaristic (no pun intended) opinions to someone far younger than him. it’s so that he feels bigger and better than you (especially by calling you a brat). he’s a sad man and anyone who relies on the military, of all things, to shape a person probably doesn’t have a strong sense of self anyway. i love you okay, just ignore him, don’t let him stress you out <3

I'm a little high and it's late but I have a lot of courage now so I've been following you for a while and I just want to tell you how much I love your story! I have come across other places on tumblr who do this but none have captured me as this one did! You are amazing and I am in love with this story! Thanks fo being you! :)

ONMG YOU HAD TO BE HIGH TO SEND THIS LMAO that was me this weekend anyway thank you so much, it floors me every time anyone says these kinds of things to me and it never gets old ;-; you are so amazing ok <333

you can't possibly be offended by a homophobic joke in game of thrones, it's set in medieval times. they had several lgbt characters in it, it's not the show that's homophobic, it's the characters, which is accurate for that time period.

o i can and i will lmao i mean i get where you’re coming from but with that logic you could say it’s only accurate to put homophobic jokes in today’s media just because people are still homophobic in the time live in. i know it’s the characters, but you do understand that someone writes those characters, right? it’s bad writing. it’s lazy and pandering and because of that it’s offensive. idk if you know the exact dialogue i was referring to but it was so completely unnecessary lmfao. they could’ve made a million other jokes. regardless of how it offended me it was just BAD lmao

SPOILER BELOW OK DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YA

@ I wanna watch GoT anon: don't. It's just so fucking bad. The definition of overhyped tbh (and btw, sunny, PLS HELP HE SCREWED HIS FUCKING AUNT WTH)

LMAO SOMEONE ACTUALLY AGREES WITH ME? wow bless u. it is definitely overhyped, like it was good at first but it’s been riding that hype through these past couple of seasons to disguise the bad writing. i understand being entertained by it, but i’m always surprised when people think it’s actually well written at this point...it’s so cringey and now thanks to the season finale this fanbase will be justifying incest. great!

OK MOVE ALONG NOW

[boy-porridge-vent]

By the way, as happy as I am in my new relationship, as good as things have been, there’s a person out there that tried to ruin it for me because she used to be my friend, she used to be close to my boyfriend, so the fact that we got together made her beyond pissed off

It’s weird because.... she’s an ex girlfriend of mine. SHE broke up with me THREE (3) times in the span of 5 months, SHE left me for another guy because she became infatuated with them TWICE, then on our 3rd breakup she left me and started actually dating another guy less than 2 days after she supposedly broke up with me, which I had NO IDEA about. I had NO CLUE we broke up the 3rd time until she told me she was dating somebody else.

For context, I told her to stop talking to me because everytime she did it brought back all my emotions and feelings for her, and it led to a horrible chain of self harm urges, nightmares, and just bad stuff. Very bad. Yet here, she messaged me saying she missed me, that SHE’S hurt, that she wants me to feel better... yet now as of this current date (12/26/2019) I DO feel better and Ive moved on, but she’s pissed about it because Im dating someone she used to be close with.

SHE said she wanted me to feel better, and now that I do, she’s upset at me for it. What the fuck am I supposed to do about that?? Bruhhh

She got mad that my friend was looking out for me, and that who she dates is nobody’s business....

Ive told you all about this already, Ive vented and complained and cried over her for months on this account, you already know all this. And she even told me that she hoped I would move on and get over her (fyi she said this in the nicest way possible with good intentions)... so when I FINALLY get over her and move on, when I remove her from my life completely and date somebody new that I truly do love & enjoy talking to, she freaks the fuck out on me!

Well... not on ME exactly, but... you get the idea. Again, like I said above, she thought it was stupid that my friend was getting into her business when it came to her relationship, yet.... she chick, that broke up with me 3 times and was being hella shady behind my back.... decided to message MY boyfriend, telling him he’s an asshole, he needs to fuck off, and that he betrayed her???? 

She also apparently messaged him a week prior, getting mad at him for simply talking to me, and told him flat out “Don’t date Adam” (that’s me, Im Adam). And when we inevitably ended up dating, she found out after stalking my instagram, and messaged him using all kinds of insults and rude remarks that he didnt deserve. And for what reason? Because he got romantic feelings for me? Something he couldnt help? Just as she had supposedly caught for her new boyfriend that she left me for? As she had done for the handful of other guys she broke up with me for back in March and April?

Even when she broke up with me over and over because she found other people she saw as being better than me, I never said ANYTHING. I suffered in silence because I didnt want to ruin our friendship. I didn’t message the people she crushed on, calling them shitty people. Hell, I didn’t even message her current boyfriend after she left me for him. As soon as she told me they were dating DAYS after we broke up, I just left. Didnt give her shit for it, didnt give her boyfriend shit because he really has nothing to do with all this, he’s very unknowing of the situation.

But still. I didnt do SHIT to her. SHE wronged me. She hurt me beyond what I could have ever imagined, yet she thought it was necessary to message my partner and insult him when MY RELATIONSHIP was NONE of HER BUSINESS!!!! Do you see what Im getting at here??? He and I hadn’t been dating for 2 days yet when she found out and went off on him. It’s really pathetic, honestly, that she would try to stoop that low and make him feel that shitty for something she has no business in knowing.

She posted this to her PUBLIC insta, the message being directed toward me.

When she says “You cant leave me one thing?” she’s implying that I’ve taken her friends away from her, which I have not done. I never told anybody to stop being her friend. My friends either already didnt like her, or they stopped being close to her/dropped her as a friend too because she made them uncomfortable or upset. That’s out of my control, I cant force people to be her friend, and I cant force them to NOT be her friend. But she thinks it’s all my fault??? And my new boyfriend was previously her friend, theyve known each other for a long while, 2 years I think? So now they we’re dating, she thinks I took him away from her.... even he added me on Snap first... snapped me first.... followed me on Insta first.... followed my Twitter first.... told me he liked me first.... he initiated everything first! But she thinks I somehow stalked through her online friends and just decided to message him one day and take him away so I could have a larger ego or something?? Why would I do that? It’s ridiculous! She thinks Im out to take everyone away from her or something when Ive been pretty silent about how Ive felt (except for my venting on this account, of course).

It’s all petty bullshit and she needs to get over herself.

Im finally happy with myself and my life, Ive been eating more normally, havent self harmed... hell, my boyfriend is flying down here from Iceland to visit me for my birthday soon! I love this dude more than anything and I couldnt be happier, but Ive kept it down-low because I dont want to broadcast everything we do to the world... yet my ex gets mad because she’s digging through MY business that she shouldnt be concerned with, the same way how she said people shouldnt be concerned with HER relationship business.... pathetic hypocrisy.

Hopefully she gets over herself soon and moves on from MY life, just as I had to force myself to do after months of silence and pure fucking agony from her not being able to decide what she wanted from me. 

I just worry though... when he flies down here to visit me, I worry she’ll try to shove her way into all this again and try to make my boyfriend visit her, or she’ll try to hangout with us, and if she’s denied that, then she might flip out and make it a big ordeal. I really don’t want that stress on my back for an entire week during my birthday. But I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

[tumblunni]

Hi, I'm the anon who sent the messages about Rotom-Cyrus to TWJ. I wanted to explain myself. There are two books in Rotom's Room: one written by Charon where he says he found out about Rotom "by pure chance." So Charon is involved with Rotom (prob why he has that card) but he isn't the one who met Rotom as a kid. I don't want to spoil exactly what happens in USUM incase you haven't reached that part but it does basically confirm Cyrus is the one who wrote that account.

aaaa that suuuuuckscos literally its fuckin a book signed by charon how was i meant to know that oh the other book right next to it isnt by charon alsoand the trading card has no meaning whatsoeverand we’re just giving more sad backstory to a guy who already had a sad backstory and nope charon has no backstory whatsoever and was just super evil and everyone was right for all these years telling me i’m a jerk for liking this characterand right when basically the same thing just happened with faba seriouslyharmless comedic villain in sun and moon, is shown apparantly redeemed in the postgame, but NOPE now its retconned and he was The Most Evil One and something something lusamine isn’t bad anymore and everything she ever did is now being done by faba in the animecos hey yknow thats what i get for giving the benefit of the doubt to ~ugly people~seriously fuckin everyone hated faba right from when he was first revealed, you had people predicting his ENTIRE PLOT based on just one picture of him and his name and no information whatsoever on his personality. we all just fucking knew what was going to happen because he’s a science man with an ‘ugly’ face and he’s ~flambouyant~and then charon fuckin literally existed to be the ~worse man~ who was added to make cyrus more redeemablethats how he was treated in both mangas. he was made more evil just so cyrus could be redeemed, which was POINTLESS because we all already believed he could be redeemed! and fuck we even all already thought he had cute moments with his pokemon as a kid, geez! there’s a hundred fanarts of that same scenario but with murkrow or zubat or magikarp or houndour or sneasel...just fuckin the pokespe manga wrote a personalityless charon who murdered a child and was outright shown not being friends with rotom and actually hating rotom and getting his ass kicked by rotomand then in DPA we get not only More Evil Charon Who Kills People but also he’s drawn really stupidly over the top scary while everyone else is big eyed shoujo dorks. and our protagonist believes that everyone is redeemable except charon. lets show cyrus committing far more evil acts than charon ever did in the game, lets show him being ooc as fuck and talking about murdering pokemon while surrounded by graves. but THAT IS OKAY and our hero will insist on saying he’s redeemable but NOOOPE charon just fuckin steals some money and has an ugly grandpa face and he gets no such sympathy. he just exists to make you forget that moment of cyrus being ooc double evil. cos we literally retconned that charon was responsible for all cyrus’s evil acts last arc, even though he wasnt even in the fuckin story yetand like now my only damn consolation here is that the character i connected with when i first played the game is AT LEAST NOT THAT EVIL. but all the potential signs of headcanoning him as not evil were all false and i just should have known it. and apparantly its a better and more worthwhile plot to just give sad childhood man another pokemon he knew in his sad childhood, and the thing i thought was Really Cool And Interesting Writing didn’t actually exist. like seriously i was fuckin literally suffering from the same abusive childhood cyrus has in his backstory back when i played dppt and i DO NOT KNOW WHY but i ended up connecting with this stupid grandpa more than him and it saved me in a dark time more than him. back then i was a stupid fuck and i hated cyrus cos i saw myself in him, like i didnt want to admit that i was in an abusive family and i wanted to hate him for daring to want to take revenge against the world that fucked him over. i felt he didnt have the right, like I didnt have the right..so yeah i didnt even fully realise cyrus’s backstory until i replayed the game as an adult, but the one thing that did hit me back then was how unexpected and cool it was to turn our opinion of this jerk grandpa on its head. like i mean whoa! i didnt hate him like everyone else did, i found him pretty funny, but still i wasnt a big fan or anything until i saw that diary entry. like charon does LITERALLY NOTHING in the plot there is no reason they should have added him in a third version, he has no reason to exist unless he was meant to be the guy who introduces rotom’s new forms also added in the game. and it was such a mind blown moment! it doesnt even make him less evil! like “whoa this evil guy used to be a good kid once” could still work even if it WASNT a sign of him having potential redeemability, like it makes him so much more personally evil and horrible if he abandoned his best friend or something. I was so dissappointed you don’t get a boss battle with him, cos i went and caught that rotom and was hyped to defeat him with the pokemon he once betrayed and like there’s NONE OF THAT ANGLE if it was cyrus. it doesnt make rotom any different than any of his other pokemon that he owns right now and we know he already cares about, cos he has a crobat.and it JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSEbecause the journal SOUNDS like charon!they both talk all smart guy style but it felt more formal like how charon talksand like how charon boasts a lot, but the journal has him boasting about his friend instead. it sounds too enthusiastic to be cyrus...and like we already know where cyrus grew up as a kid and it wasnt eterna city. and he doesnt have a secret lab in galactic hq also in eterna city, like charon does. and also he’s not like friggin fifty years old so why would his childhood poke-friend be in a wrecked abandoned house if it was just ten years ago or something. and also why would they give charon this trading card where they draw the 100% evil guy having a vaguely genuine smile on his face and not looking like rotom hates him and he’s got it caged up or anything and also why would the card’s effect be all about friendship and why would they define him as The Rotom Guy and why would they even bother to give a trading card to charon if charon is a pointless character who never did anything important and had no actual relevance to this rotom wifi event except apparantly stealing a bunch of diaries from some other guy who was really responsible for it all. and why would they bother to point out that someone signed the diary if it wasnt the guy who wrote the diary, and also we are not going to sign the diary by the guy who actually wrote it. like if it was meant to be cyrus whey didnt they make it clearer?? nobody could be expected to have figured that out!also why does charon have a second rotom room in silph co in HGSS which timeline wise means he would have had it before DPPT and he’s talking about finding a rotom by chance before he ever found this diary that doesnt really belong to him. like why would he build an entire lab of form machines if he didnt own a rotom yet? how would he know enough to make them actually work for rotom if he never owned a rotom yet?why did nintendo decide to do all this if i wasnt supposed to reach the conclusion that charon had ANYTHING to do with rotom???why didnt they make it fucking clearer. why couldnt i have been saved years of clinging to this stupid ass headcanon and basing a lot of my taste in stories on the whole concept of ‘wow that was so fucking cool how they took a one dimensional looking villain and then turned it on our head with a cool reveal and made me super eager to see future stories with him’ and hey we’re not ever gonna get those and also everyone else was right and i should just give up and agree that ugly looking granddads will always be eviland why the fuck did i somehow link my self worth to such a random ass headcanon for a random ass character like seriously could someone have properly explained cyrus’s plot to me as a kid so i could have had him stop me from committing suicide instead. like seriously if they’d just made cyrus’s grandpa less hard to find and explained the plot more clearly and explained that he was the rotom kid AAAAAAAAARGHand i really didnt fucking need this, usum, right after also people started telling me that lusamine is ~really good~ and her whole child abuse plot is gone now like ha ha ha ha fucking ha lets crush bunni on two damn levelsand what is my fucking luck that this happened to happen right on the same day when i got some stupid ass anon hate and also had a horrible nightmare about my abusive fatherlike seriously dude who sent me this ask im really sorry ive had such an incoherant babbling reply to it, its just been a really bad day for me and like.. im not freaking out because of this minor headcanon being proven wrong, its just like i was already freaking out and having some random irrelevant headcanon bullshit happen right now is REALLY bad timing to push me off the edgehopefully i can calm down and come back and give a more coherant response of like.. why i headcanoned the different thing and why I’m sad its not true, even though i’m happy for you that your personal headcanon did become true instead.but like it sucks to be told ‘nope you’re not allowed to have your favourite character, his one and only personality trait was just a misconception you had’ during such a really bad timing of such an already bad daynintendo could u give us like a sassy science villain gramps who DOES have a redemption plot? or at least a plot that isnt ‘exists to be worse than the main villain’? like seriously why did it happen twice. i was happy at original sun and moon cos it felt like faba as charon but better written but then NOOOOPEjust...god...what.what sort of fuckface up in heaven decided to throw all the bad shit at me today and not at least spread it out across the rest of the week?

[the-tough-guy-diary-blog]

Entry 19

We told each other we are no longer in love with one another. It killed me to say it out loud. Wondering how it was even possible. It came as no surprise when she said it though. Ive known for a while. I can tell not only by the wrong doings that she’s done, but also the way she kisses me, looks at me, the way she trys to not show it.

When we got together almost 9 years ago, we were seniors in high school. At this point in my life I was already suffering with depression. I had overdosed twice, and totaled about 5-7 vehicles due to drugs and alcohol. When we started talking I had already decided to stop doing pills, cocaine, and acid. How ever I’ve never seen smoking pot as a bad thing. And in my opinion it helps. Well growing up, her dad made her not tell her mom that he done it so she saw it as something bad. Like if it was ok, why did he have to hide it. And I totally see that side of the fence. It makes sense as to why someone would think “ hey, you should t be doing that”. And for a while she let me smoke weed. And never said anything about it. I guess here and there she would drop hints as to her not liking it. But everyone knew I smoked pot, I never hid it from anyone. And she knew when we got together. After we made us official, a month later she got pregnant with our first child. As we came upon our first year into us, or maybe a few month after. She gave me a decision to either continue smoking pot and doing the party life or be with her and our child. At that point, if I remember correctly I told her I would stop and about a month or so later we got into a huge argument because I still wanted to smoke weed. I didn’t give a shit about going out and hanging with the guys and drinking and getting into trouble. But we couldn’t meet in the middle, it was either stop, or leave. Like a dumb little pussy bitch I chose to leave and to get high, and because we wasn’t together I drank a lot to accompany my cotton mouth and to drown the pain of not being with her. It was instant regret. I know I made the decision to leave, but it hurt me so bad. I cryed and sobbed wondering what I could do to fix it. And after a few days a week tops, thank the good lord above, she took back the fool that left her with a child.

As the years came to pass we argued over smoking weed and drinking and me leaving. All separate occasions from the one I just told. She caught me lying about drinking and smoking weed on different occasions. Up until this one time. I had been welding for about 2-3 years. And doing a job such as that one comes with a lot of pain. Especially since I’ve hurt myself from all the wrecks I’ve been in. Point is I did a roxy 30. After not doing them for years. I was hurting so bad from the specific parts I was doing. Thinking I could handle it because I used to do 4-5 a day. I took the one. And sure enough I was fucked out of my mind. Freaking out, thinking oh my god, I’m high as shit and she going to leave me because of it. I didn’t intentionally get high. I was thinking I had a tolerance for it and one would get rid of the pain I was in and that be the end of it. But I came home and sure as shit I lied to her face about it. Plain as day. Grass is purple not green, shit is blue not brown, babys are dropped off on your door step by a stork bold face lie. But we resolved it and she didn’t leave me. Even though she made it seem like she was going to. From there I made an agreement with her but at the same time I made a pact with myself. If I ever needed to take something for pain I would ask her. She came up with the idea and it was brilliant. Every time I’ve done a pill since she knows about and it’s never been a hard one except when I got fixed. That was the only exception. We made the agreement 5 years ago but within that 5 years because I lied to her. There were times she thought I was high. A lot of times. But I wasn’t. And being accused over and over and over and over and over and over for something I didn’t do. I started to get really mad about it. I’ve I said in past post, I’ve got anger issues. So I would blow up over this time and time again. After being accused, her calling people to try and catch me in a lie, giving me drug tests, and what ever else. And every time her looking like a silly goose because she was wrong. I’ve been suffering over that lie for 5 years. And still am today. But this time I cannot prove my innocence because she has let me smoke weed in the last few months. But since we made our agreement, I have not lied to her and if I wanted to do something I would ask. And she just doesn’t believe me. I think I have earned that trust back.

June 22