#its the depression talking lmao
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loving hoshina soshiro means being content of being his mistress because he's married to his blades and his first love will always be his anti-kaiju duties. he could love you to hell and back but in the end you won't be able to compete against his responsibility to serve as vice-captain of the third division. it's not that his affection for you is lacking, but it will never be enough to put you on top of his priorities.
the fic is here.
#AND WHAT IF I STAB MYSELF#HOSHINA GIVE ME ONCE CHANCE#sorry guys for all this#its the depression talking lmao#once i get back maybe i can write some cute fluff but not tonight unfortunately#hoshina#hoshina soshiro x reader#soshiro hoshina#hoshina soshiro#soshiro hoshina x reader
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mindless rambling in tags don't mind me
#not art post#rambling in tags because i can and its MY BLOG#anyway its about tdp *waits* ok for the three of you that actually care#someone retweeted one of my threads from 2019 after s2 dropped (imo the BEST tdp season) and i reread it#and tbh i am still right about viren's characterization#obviously canon changed some things but TO BE REAL..... i dont care what the writers say bc i had beef since s3#how am i supposed to believe any viren and callum parallels and callbacks when they..... havent talked since when?#and uhhh viren's demise lol i expected it but wow i am not happy with the lead up to it#more cool and eloquent people put it in better words on twitter and probably tumblr too idk i just say things and hope they make sense#anyway viren is still the very real traumatized angry severely depressed old man from s2... his life was just revealed to be so much worse#like damn. he was poor he was orphan he got divorced and then a stupid mirror started ruining his life even more#yes the mirror was the start of it why do you think aaravos revealed himself after viren's firey break down#aaravos went i can make him worse and ran with it#should viren go to prison? yeah i never once denied that lmao but god he and his family were really the ones to suffer in the show#at least viren is gone so i can just *plucks him out of the dirt and morphs him into my own oc* (im for real)#i got maybe more to say but this is long and im lazy and im not too smart so i will just move on#i will watch s7................................... i GUESS and if you find salt i will probably be there lol
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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one of the craziest bat bars like actually
#vee queued to fill the void#WHEN GOTH AND PUNK COLLIDE ITS THE HYPEST DEPRESSION LETS GOOOOOO LMAO#i never talk about kuukou and jyushi’s bond as leader/2gumi since i personally don’t think i need to lol#but the way their ideals just click together so naturally is so satisfying when the story bothers to show it lol#like i am prAyINg that we get kuukou and jyushi clashing over it like they’re both right but kuukou is still wrong lmao#like besides kuukou training jyushi in their debut track kuukou and jyushi haven’t fought yet#as of then that was indicative of their dynamic kuukou is more gentle with jyushi and more firm with hitoya#now tho there’s like………. bits in various places where they’re challenging each other#like when they were competing against each other at video games or jyushi standing his ground against kuukou’s chaos lol#i’m hopeful it’s leading to a confrontation between them fr on god no cap pls it’d be lit lmao#kuukou has won in their little matches i need jyushi to be the pupil that fulfills his wish#and gets to stand next to the man that helped and supported him lol he’s on equal footing with hitoya let’s fully lock in with kuukou#(a fun ichiro and jyushi parallel btw lol like samatoki was that figure that helped and supported him and he wanted to be his equal)#(both kuukou and hitoya are jyushi’s samatoki tho a bit more obscure on kuukou’s end)
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My cousins made their own troll Ocs and I drew them in my style.
They were very excited about it
#my art#not my art#both#trolls#dreamworks trolls#they had a lot of fun making these#i actually really love the color palette for princess i think my cpusin did a very good job on that#claw is something else#he is a unicorn troll#neon green was an interesting choice but hey claw is an interesting guy#is it obvious idk how to draw country trolls lmao#ever since i told them i also liked trolls we have had our own little club#im their person who they can talk to about it#they will also just sit and ask me to draw tiny diamond and guy diamond over and over and over and over and over again#they really like tiny diamond#but hey i love those little guys so i draw the trolls they demand of me#they also asked me to draw poppy and branch so they could color them#i still have to finish my viva coloring page for them#the younger of the two who made princess is really good at color picking and color matching#she colored poppy without a ref and its p accurate to her colors#the older one who made claw used the ref for every color but he got pretty close when he tried to guess#the older one also misunderstood me when i said id been practicing art since i was 5 and thought i was this good since i was 5#he was very depressed for about 15 minutes#it was really funny but dw i assured him that was not the case#but like for those 15 min he did not believe me#even his sister was like 'nono you didnt hear it right' but he was already in the emo zone#he was fine later tho and continued on making his troll#and also proud teacher moment but i had taught princesses creator some art techniques off handedly#not expecting her to remember any of it but then she did and apparent shes been using it ever since#im like omg i actually taught another human bsing something its insane
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Me when life
#IMMA VENT REAL QUICK BRO I’m. RAHHHHH#heavy topics ig#ANYWAYS girls when they’re feeling suicidal but don’t have time to deal with that#I’m very overstimulated right now#surely a large coffee willl help#IM TIRED BUT ANXIOUS BRO STOPPPP LMAO#it sucks. I wanna talk to counseling services on campus but#I don’t have time genuienly#and I go there a lot and ITS EMBARRASSING SHFFHHD HIIII#THE DEPRESSED BITCH IS BACK💪💪#like bruh#venting#vent tw#depression tw#I genuinely feel like I’m 15 again I’m done with life methinks#like not actually cuz I’d feel bad but like. you know what I mean
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took painkillers agaisnt my headache, i feel better now lmao
its fine to be critical of your stuff but man do i need to learn how to say just fuck it and go do it no matter how shitty you may think it is, people will always look at me weird for being weird anyway so destroying myself with self doubt about what i do isnt doing me a favor
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i know i usually dont spam with posts like these#but sometimes depression rears its ugly head and i gotta beat it back somehow#also thanks for the people that reached out#i know its getting tiresome since i alyways inevitably fall back into this depression anxienty mess#but i dont think im gonna get cured of that anytime soon lmao#“artist self doubt? in THIS economy??”
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just officially sent in my resignation for my fucking childhood dream workplace
#my boss always talks about her 'guilt complex' lmao. as soon as i have another job and dont need to worry about burning bridges#im sending this bitch a letter detailing exactly why she deserves to feel guilty for the rest of her fucking life#i hope she lies awake at night picturing my face. fully intend on letting her know how close i came to killing myself.#fully intend on intentionally continuously saying its bc SHE MADE ME anxious and SHE MADE ME depressed#since she doesnt believe she can make me anxious#i hope she has to attend therapy. i want to make her feel as guilty as she made me feel like fucking shit#fully just wish nothing but the worst for her for the rest of her lonely miserable life. i hope she realizes soon that everyone hates her#truly one of the people she considers to be a close family member also works in our department and hates her!#talks all the time about how awful she is and how horribly she treats all of us#i hope she feels that hatred every day of her fucking life and i hope she never sees true happiness as a result#until the day that my memories of my childhood refuge from abuse are no longer tainted by HER abuse‚ i pray she never knows peace
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I haven't touched life after in like 2 weeks but also in that time I've finished a 20pg comic for summer of lawlu so also I think I'm gonna stop being precious with life after and doing quicker pages cuz I did 31 pages of it in 2 months being precious which is.......so much longer than this comic took me lmao
#i keep feeling like oh no ive drawn nothing!!!#because all 20 pages of this are in 3 procreate files#and im not really just doodlin#cuz when i feel like not comic-ing im mostly going thru my ask box and pulling from there#also it's summer so im depressed and i write more so sorry for all the fic lmao#anyway im stuck in the tunnel omw to work#did u know that there is only one way for every new jersey transit train to get into nyc#so when one bungles up we all end up in a line waiting to get in#anyway what im saying is i finished my lawlu month comic that spiraled out of control#its literally one prompt#today theres a 6pg comic separate of the one im talking abt#shrug hi happy Thursday
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In my totk swap au when Zelda finds all the Poe Collocters and gets the Tunic of Memories she's like. Woaagg my girlfriends shirt...
And then she uses it as pajamas .
I also replayed the Lucky Gazette quest line and in this au I'm. Not sure how people would describe link? Like for Zelda they say they saw a blonde haired lady . Would Link have some other descriptor??? Bright blue eyes maybe? Either way Ganon's Link puppet would def be a . Mini boss fight. That'd be sooo cool omg.
#holly rambles#totk swap au#link is the gf here. link is genderfluid and i WILL die on this hill!!#anyway you know that one gif of princes bubblegumn ? with marcelines shirt. ya that one? yeah#let Zelda be a littke weird PLEASE PLEASE LET HER BE STRANGE#she straight up tried to get Link to Eat a RAW FROG.#also i just. live for weird scientist Zelda . love that for her#Zelda and her silly adventure! link and their straight up depressing one#Zelda also has collected an absurd amount of dragon parts. im talking in the hundres.#only later does she realize she was shooting arrows at her SO. lmao#also in this au link as the light dragon has the effect of curing gloom! fuse any dragon part to a weapon as be cured as you swing!#expect some doodles tomorrow of them. i wanna draw for this au more i just got. suoer demotivated after my last post wasnt seen alk that mu#kinda bummed me out cuz i worked hard on it but egghh h its judt like that sometimes#totk au
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...
#i am Dying#so for reasons im not gonna get into i stopped taking my meds a couple months ago#and luckily my mood and depression/anxiety hasnt been an issue at all!!#in fact im usually very happy and content#but one thing has come back and its come with a fucking vengeance#like i thought it was annoying in high school#but now its downright hindering#like im making up for the past 9 years or whatever#and i didnt realize until this week that its probably bc im off my meds#and unfortunately its making my insomnia bad again which means im starting to have another issue that i had in hs#its only happened once but if it continues then things will get bad lol#im trying to be vague on purpose bc this is soooo embarrassing#i cant talk to my friends abt it bc we dont talk abt that stuff (or at least they dont w me so i dont feel comfortable bringing it up)#and i would talk to my sister but i dont want her to know im off my meds#so like. dying#i have a plethora of my insomnia/anxiety/depression meds dont get me wrong#but in order to take them again i need to update my insurance w the doctor#then go to the doctor#then get a referral to a specialist#who can hopefully help me#and then i can take my meds again#i knowww i should bc my slope be slippin#but like im in a good mood and am content with everything in my life but my work and my issue that i need a specialist for#so im not very motivated to do things i dont wanna do#idkkkk#sorry im rambling lmao#vani.key
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My character flaw is that i used to not give a shit about protagonists as a kid and when i was still like 16 but now i basically see the protagonists as my fav character of everything i like, except things i used to like when i was younger
#i blame amphibia anne is my fav and she was the first protagonist who was also my fav character#i watched the owl house before amphbia and i was like 'omg the door owl and the depressed lesbian are definitely my favs'#and something even funny is that after my like protagonists curse started luz become one of my fav characters i fear i like her even more+#than amity now lmao#also i started liking raven and apple who i used to HATE before and i swear the only reason i disliked raven+#was because she is too popular and a protagonist since obviously one thing leads to another#cause i used to love cerise and she was so fucking popular. but she was not the protagonist 💀#same goes wirh monster high i started to care about the main ghouls very recently#but when it comes to g3 my favs are the most important characters...#that being said i used to always love the comic relief or like depressed character for reasons#and now idk maybe its cause i like complex characters and most of the time the most complex are the protagonists#and i like not that popular characters so when it comes to amphibia i watched it and every episode i was like 'shes so me'#'i think she is my fav' *notices people not talking much about her* 'OKAY SHE IS MY FAV LIKE WTF'#maybe complex wasnt the right word for this. depressed and well developed are probably the best 😧
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What do you think Mine’s reaction to Masato / Aoki be like?
tbh they'd probably be. amicable. at the very least.
#snap chats#like they have similar values its just that mine's more openly depressed about his belief system and doesn't take pride in it like aoki#i talked about this before omg thats so funny... but yeah no aoki's more proud of 'how the world is'. prob cause he's 'on top' of it#mine begrudges the fact he needs material goods to be useful to people#meanwhile aoki's happy to exploit others if it means he advances. for the most part anyway#he only really starts to show some regret when confronted by ichi. and get the shit kicked out of him for twenty minutes#wait i was rewatching the cutscene and started to throw up cause i got reminded of me in high school again aoki you're 42 stop this#Back On Track Though. mine and aoki had similar pursuits: attain power to be loved thats the core of it in simple terms#they went about it differently ofc: for mine money was power and for aoki popularity was power. Both Very True TBH but anyway#mine realized that even with money his person wasnt valued#and aoki realized that even with recognition people didn't value his character. sins the arakawas. fcukin dummy#i mean aokis a jackass so no wonder but thats not the point of this. fuckfest of tags#they wouldnt be friends. aoki's incapable of friendship and mine would probably quickly recognize aoki as being power hungry#i think mine's been in enough business meetings And Knows Enough About Politics to recognize Professional Fakerism when he sees it#actually do you think mine'd be swindled by any 'kindness' aoki expressed like when kanda left him and he thought he just went to get help.#that shit was wack LMAO BUT REGARDLESS idk i have to go to class soon so im not gonna spend too much time thinking of this#if they needed to they'd just use each other for whatever purpose they needed the other for. idk why mine would need aoki tho#TLDR mine probably wouldnt think too differently of aoki compared to any other power-hungry freak#we can revisit this topic when. im not learning about JP history vjERJALKJ
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sometimes i forget that being depressed isn't normal honestly
#bambi's rambling#i mean like it's normal for me and has been for years#possibly always#like i remember crying myself to sleep and thinking no one loved me at like age five#i just didn't really understand the concept until like. fifteen or sixteen i think#at one point i looked up an online 'are you depressed' quiz#even before my mom put me in therapy cause she was concerned#but it said i had 'mild depression' so i was like oh well that doesn't really count obviously#(the ironic part was that it was the same test that the therapist used to see if i was depressed. so apparently it was legitimate)#but like i dont know how not to be depressed#i know its getting worse lately but like. what do i do about that#i'm so horrendously uncomfortable talking about this kind of thing even in online settings#like there's a 50/50 change imma delete this instead of posting it it's that bad#prolly gonna delete this even if i do post it#how am i supposed to get help when i can't even ask for it. that kinda thing#not like it matters all that much anyway lmao#it's just my brain being stupid like normal#vent#tw vent#tw depression#tw mental illness#cw depression#cw mental health
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had a GVF dream last night and naturally in my dream I had to log onto tumblr and tell everyone about my experience
so here I am fulfilling the prophecy
#I miss them 😔#I dreamt that I went all the way to LA to see one of their shows at a small outdoor venue#very intimate and there was no pit !!! It was GA but no pit !!! CHAIRS#and the venue accommodated for my visual disability and let me in early so for the first time in my life I had a good view at a GVF show LOL#Jake was wearing the dragon suit from DIG#I think Sam was wearing his original DIG suit too? it was also black#Danny was wearing his Starcatcher outfit#and Josh was wearing a new jumpsuit that was white and BEJEWELED FROM HEAD TO TOE#it was sooo sparkly and pretty#so then they played a song and it was a cover (I don’t remember what song) and I was like well that’s kinda weird#and then oomf showed up and talked through the ENTIRE SECOND SONG (also a cover that I don’t remember)#and I was like well if he keeps doing this after the second song then I’m gonna tell him to be quiet#BUT THEN THEY LEFT AFTER THE SECOND SONG AND I WAS LIKE 🧍🏻♀️#but then I was like … well that’s the best view I’ve ever had seeing GVF so at least there’s that#anyway I haven’t listened to the boys in a hot minute but I might have to jam out on the way to church idk!#after that I had a different dream that I flew to Texas with my friend and I wanted to go to the American Girl store so I did and he left me#behind and got another flight without me KDHSJSKA ?!????#I had a lot of random and vivid dreams last night lmao#anywho…. love yall miss yall !!!!#life is finally calming down a bit but my depression is also starting to rear its ugly head again so WOMP#u win some u lose some
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#tw weight talk#im rlly proud in myself ive officially lost the weight i put on during my depressive episode this year lmao#im finally below 150lbs again. which is how i started the year but then i got Sad and it went to 165 ish#which isnt extreme or anything but i definitely felt more self conscious and worse in my ability to move or bend#its going to be hard to keep this up in winter (bc edmonton winter is miserable and i dont want to be outside) but hehhhh ill try#produce is also so expensive in winter i tend to go to starchy cheap foods but i guess Im Worth It and i should just spend the damn money
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