#ANYWAYS girls when they’re feeling suicidal but don’t have time to deal with that

[skyblueartt]

Me when life

[do-it-jakey-baby]

Umbra Perpetua

Vampire!Jake Kiszka x f!reader

Warnings: mentions of attempted suicide, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of death, grief, loss of parents, profanity, potentially distressing and triggering content, explicit sexual content, mentions of violence (sorry if I’ve missed anything)

18+, minors DNI

Chapter Two

Every single self defence class you’d taken couldn’t have prepared you for this moment. All the techniques evaporated from your head, not that they would have been useful for a second anyway.

You see, when you’re learning in a controlled environment, the danger is never authentic. If you fuck up a manoeuvre, you get to try again. You’re also dealing with humans in these scenarios, not things that visually appear as humans but can creep into your house inconspicuously and hang from your ceiling like a fucking bat.

This wasn’t a drill, it was the real thing. What they don’t tell you, is that nine times out of ten, you freeze up. Your body goes into some kind of shell shock, and try as you might, you can’t move.

With your hands grasped tightly around the baseball bat, your mind is screaming at you to swing. But you don’t. You can’t.

You hear the wooden object clang as it drops to the floor, realising that you’ve now dropped your only weapon. The next best thing to do is run, right?

But there’s nowhere to run.

He’s blocking the only exit.

“What do you want?” You manage to squeak out, your limbs shaking in tandem.

He smirks, but remains silent.

“Please. Anything.”

“Anything?” He steps towards you, causing you to stumble backwards into your bed frame.

You feel yourself fall in slow motion, everything around you moving at a fraction of a second as you come to terms with your fate. Was this it?

Now on your back in the most vulnerable of positions, he’s looming over you before you can blink. You at least need some answers before you die.

“How are you so fast?”

He looks stunned for a moment, as if he was expecting you to plead for your life instead of asking such questions.

“You’re a smart girl, thought you’d have it all figured out by now.”

“Well, I don’t, and no one is giving me any answers.” You huff.

“You aren’t supposed to know.”

“Aren’t you just going to kill me anyway? Why does it matter?” You sit up now, looking him directly in the eye. You remember that yesterday, he was wearing sunglasses, so you’d never noticed how beautiful his eyes were. They were just like Adeline’s, molten pools of amber. But Jacob’s had more depth to them, like looking into the mouth of an active volcano.

He breathes in, his pupils dilating to twice the size they were. You can hear a low growl rumbling from within his chest, but you aren’t scared anymore. Why aren’t you scared?

“That’s a fantastic question, Y/N. Why aren’t you scared?”

“I-, I didn’t say that out loud.”

He cocks his head to the side. “I know.”

Instead of paying any attention to the situation unfolding, you become lost in him. He’s so close that you can make out the pendants swinging from the chain around his neck. They’re small atocha coins, each one weathered from a lifetime lost at sea. You feel your heart flutter in your chest as you look up at him, towering over you like an apex predator.

He flares his nostrils, his tongue licking across his bottom lip just like the day before. His lips part as his eyes grow darker, and for a split second you think he’s about to lunge at you.

“Why aren’t you scared?” He asks again, firmer this time.

“I don’t know.” You rush out.

He places his hands on the bed either side of you and leans forward, making you sink back until your head hits the mattress. You have no idea why, but as he inches closer you lift your chin up, exposing your neck to him. His hand trails up your throat, stopping to press two fingers to your pulse point.

He’s so… cold. Just like Adeline.

Your heart drums harder in your chest, but it isn’t out of fear. This is the first time he’s made physical contact with you, and you feel drunk from it. Your body is swimming with adrenaline under his frigid touch.

He exhales through his nose, narrowing his eyes. “Why are you making this so hard for me?”

What?

“You aren’t like the others.”

“The other what?”

“The other humans.”

Your mind flashes back to what Alex said in the park earlier.

“They aren’t good people. If you can even call them that…”

You hear Jacob let out a low chuckle. “Finally catching on?”

“What are you, Jacob?”

He smirks again, then darts his hand up to grasp around your jaw, pulling your head upwards. He leans forward, ghosting his lips over the same spot that his fingers had just graced.

“Think.”

“I- I don’t know!” You whine, half from frustration and half from the unwavering desire for him coursing through your veins.

You can feel his breath as it hits the delicate skin of your neck. “I’ll give you one more hint.” You feel his lips part against you, then a strange sensation that you can’t quite place. It’s a sort of, scratching?

Sharp.

Sharp.

You gasp as it hits you, the answer that had been there all along.

“There you go. Good girl.” He whispers, the sound vibrating up through your throat.

“You’re a… a vampire?”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Are you going to kill me?”

“It was my intention, yes.”

Moving on its own accord, your hand slips from your side and up to your jaw to cradle Jacob’s. You run your thumb over his skin, relishing in the smoothness. He jolts upwards, now face to face with you. His eyes wander across your face, taking in every detail.

“So, I tell you I’m going to kill you and this is what you do?”

“I can’t really explain it. I’m not scared… I feel almost at peace. Like this was exactly where I was meant to be.”

“You’re… extraordinary.”

“I could say the same thing.” You breathe.

He seems to soften for a moment. “I’m not used to humans being so cooperative.”

“I don’t think you’re actually going to hurt me.”

“And if I do?”

“Then I’m wrong. And dead.”

He lets out a laugh, and you believe that you see a genuine smile for the first time.

“If I’m going to die, could I ask for one thing?”

“I’m not usually this generous, but sure.”

You take in a deep breath. “Kiss me.”

You watch as his pupils blow wide, his brow furrowing. You place your hands back onto the bed and push yourself forward into a sitting position. Slowly, you drift them up until either hand is gently cupping his face. His breathing is heavy in his chest at the warmth of your skin against his. His left hand still attached to your jaw, he brings his right hand up and into your hair. He inches closer, until his lips are millimetres away from yours.

“Jacob.” You whisper.

He closes the gap between you, his mouth melting against yours. It starts slowly at first, he seems to be testing the unchartered waters. Involuntarily, a soft moan escapes from your lips, tripping the switch.

His hands are on your thighs, lifting you up onto him. Moving at speeds you’d never experienced; you find yourself straddling his lap. His touch is everywhere all at once, fingertips brushing across your waist, back, and up into your hair. The kiss is anything but gentle now, your tongues lapping together, teeth clashing. Your hands ball into his hair, lightly tugging at the root. He lets out a growl as he pushes you back down onto the bed, his fingers digging into the meat of your thighs. The power he holds is now becoming evident as he loses control, becoming less careful with your fragile human body. In the ferocity of your kiss, he bites down onto your lip. You begin to feel your own blood pool into your mouth, opening your eyes to find Jake’s glaring back. His body goes rigid, a snarl piercing through the space between you. Before you can register what’s happening, he’s thrown himself backwards. His chest heaves as he looks back down at you.

“I- I have to go.”

“Jacob, wait.”

“If I don’t leave now, I’ll kill you.”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

“No, not anymore.”

You push yourself up onto your elbows, but by the time you’re sat upright, he’s gone.

~

The shrill sound of your alarm echoes through your bedroom, waking you from the most peaceful slumber you’ve had since you got here. As you brush your teeth, you try to wrap your head around the fact that you came face to face with an actual vampire last night. There were a few things weighing on your mind, the first being how normal this all felt to you. You were exposed to the supernatural, something you’d read about in books and watched on tv. This world was supposed to be make-believe, fictional, fantasy. The second, and possibly most important detail, was how the real-life vampire had kissed you. Not only that, but seemingly after he kissed you he decided that he, in fact, did not want to kill you anymore.

It wasn’t even like you had anyone to talk to about any of this, not that they’d believe you anyway. So here you were, getting ready to clock into your shift at the bookstore that you were now 99.9% certain another vampire owned.

Adeline.

Was she a vampire too? Surely she must be.

You spent the entirety of your journey to work mulling over how exactly you were going to bring this up with her. Hey boss, your vampire brother tried to kill me last night. Just wanted to check if you’re one too and if you’re also planning on killing me?

You roll your eyes at the sheer stupidity of it all. Had you gone insane? Was last night just a terribly realistic nightmare?

You reach the entrance to Alligatus Anima and take in a deep breath, pushing the door open and hearing the familiar chime. You step into the store, noting that once again, it’s empty. You twist the lock, turning back around to find Adeline a few steps in front of you.

“God, Adeline. You need to stop doing that.” You gasp.

“Sorry.” She gives you an apologetic smile. “I think we need to talk.”

She leads you out back into her office, taking a seat behind her desk. You sit yourself down in front of her, neither of you saying a word for a few moments.

You decide to just bite the bullet and ask the most pressing of questions first. “Are you a vampire too?”

She winces slightly, raking her hand through her onyx strands. “Yes.”

“Ok.” You nod, wringing your hands together in your lap. “Do you want to kill me too?”

“No, I don’t feed from humans. It’s never been my thing.”

“But Jacob does?”

“It’s… complicated. Jacob has never had the best self control, even before…” She sighs, trailing off. “He keeps himself to himself, stays away from the general public. But you... There’s something incredibly different about you. I could even sense it myself. Your aura is unlike anything I’ve seen before. If I knew Jacob was going to react the way he did, I would never have hired you. I’m sorry for putting you in danger, it was never my intention.”

“Something about me? I don’t understand.”

“Honestly, neither do I. Our kind have a naturally alluring ability, it’s what makes it easy to feed. Humans tend to come to us, easily trusting and wanting to please. You have that same quality about you, which is very intriguing. The scent of your blood is also… extremely potent.”

“If it’s so potent, why don’t you want to kill me?”

“Because I like you, and I’m not a killer. Like I said, I don’t feed from humans, no matter how tempting their blood smells.” She grins.

“Why didn’t Jacob kill me last night?”

Her grin fades, replaced with a look that you can’t quite place.

“Hey, look, I’m sorry for asking so many questions. I just can’t quite get my head around… all of this.”

“Please don’t apologise, I understand. I don’t have an issue with any of your questions, it’s only fair that you receive an explanation. I just feel that it would be better for Jacob to answer that specific question himself. But I will say this, you need to be careful. He’s a wildcard. I know him better than anyone, he’s my baby brother. But he is incredibly unpredictable, and unlike me, he has fed from humans before.”

“Does he do that… often?”

Adeline goes to speak, but her eyes flit up behind you. “There’s a customer at the door, it’s past opening.”

You nod, slightly irritated that you hadn’t got through all of your questions yet. You make your way to the front of the store, unlocking the door and apologising to the older gentleman who is waiting. He seems unfazed, moving past you to browse the fiction section.

The day goes by quickly, with your usual handful of customers perusing the shelves. You’re restocking the vinyls when Adeline appears in your peripheral.

“To answer your earlier question, no. At the beginning, he found it hard to control his bloodlust. He didn’t adapt as quickly as I did, but I guess that has something to do with our tendencies as humans. I was always the level-headed one, I had to be after our parents passed.”

“I’m sorry. I uh-, I know what it’s like.” You swallow thickly, looking down at your feet.

“Your Dad? I’m sorry too. To lose a parent is a pain like no other.”

“How do you always know what I’m thinking?”

She smiles softly. “Our kind have extremely heightened senses. I can’t exactly read your mind, but your thoughts come to me in waves. It’s hard to explain.”

“Jacob can do that too?”

“I can.”

You whip your head around to find Jacob standing behind you.

“Adeline, can we have a moment alone?”

Her smile fades as she makes eye contact with her brother. “Let the girl finish up first.”

You look between the two of them, sensing some lingering tension in the air. Crouching down to dig back into your box of records, you peer up at her and smirk. “Yes, boss.”

The smile she wore before her brother graced your presence lights up her face again as she looks down at you. “Don’t call me that.”

Jacob huffs, rolling his eyes before heading over to the counter and sitting himself down behind it.

“Oh good, your first shift in almost a decade.” Adeline teases, disappearing behind the beaded curtains before Jacob can respond.

You finish up with the vinyls, neatly stacking them in alphabetical order. Crouching down to pick up the cardboard box they were situated in, you become increasingly aware of the butterflies accumulating in the pit of your stomach. The thought of whatever conversation you were about to have with Jacob made your insides twist, the memories of the night prior flashing before your eyes. How his lips felt on yours, his hands roaming across your delicate flesh. How he could have ripped you apart right then and there, draining the life from your body.

You hear him laugh from across the room, and it hits you. His was the voice you heard yesterday morning. That same laugh.

“What?”

“You, thinking about me.”

Fuck.

You feel your blood rush to your cheeks at the notion of your own thoughts not being safe inside your head anymore. Especially thoughts about Jacob.

With the box held tightly to your abdomen, you walk over to the counter. “It’s hard not to, considering what happened last night.”

He stiffens, keeping his eyes fixed on you as you move closer.

You halt your movements. “Do you want me to keep my distance?”

In a fraction of a second, he’s in front of you. The box slips from your grip, dropping down onto the floor between you. He kicks it backwards, then steps closer, cupping your chin in his hand.

“If I did, I wouldn’t be here.”

Your breath hitches in your throat as his eyes bore into yours. “Ok.”

“You make it exceptionally hard to stay away.”

Just then, the grandfather clock in the corner of the room chimes, startling you.

“5pm. You’re officially done for the day. Adeline’s given me permission to relieve you, so long as I promise to return her only employee in one piece.”

“Do you plan on keeping that promise?” You breathe.

He smirks, then turns to walk towards the door “Coming?”

You collect your bag, swinging it over your shoulder as you leave the building. Stepping out onto the sidewalk, you join Jacob who is leaning against the window of the store.

“Where are we going?”

“To my place, it’s just up the street.”

“Oh, ok.”

“Why, do you not want to? It seems only fair, seeing as I’ve already been to yours.”

“Uninvited, might I add. Hey, that’s a point, don’t you have to be invited in to be able to enter someone’s property?”

He lets out a genuine chuckle, which you quickly decide is the best sound you’ve heard him make. “That’s an old wives tale, completely fictiona-” He stops abruptly, a deep scowl forming across his face.

“Y/N?”

You turn to find Alex stood a few metres from you, his eyes blown wide in shock.

“Oh, hey Alex.”

“I came to walk you home…” He’s speaking to you, but his attention is fully on Jacob.

“Oh, um, that’s really sweet of you but I actually have plans…”

He glares at Jacob. “What do you want with her?”

“None of your business, dog.” Jacob growls.

“Woah, woah. Can we not? Alex, it’s fine.”

“No, Y/N. It’s not fine. Do not go anywhere with him.”

“She’s perfectly safe with me.”

Alex lets out a bitter laugh. “Is that some kind of joke?”

“Alex! Cool it, I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later.”

“You’re making a huge mistake, Y/N.” His eyes plead with you.

“I’ll talk to you later.” You repeat.

His face falls. “I hope so.”

~

Jacob was right, his apartment wasn’t far at all. It was, however, in the most desolated place in town, barren of all life. The exterior of the building was weathered, like it hadn’t housed a soul in centuries. As you stepped inside, you immediately noticed the stark contrast, proving that old saying ‘never judge a book by its cover’ is correct. It was similar internally to the gothic vibes of the bookstore, with deep jewel tones running throughout. The walls were painted ebony, with an emerald green velvet couch gracing the centre of the room. An ornate chandelier hung overhead, the crystals sparkling and casting the walls with rainbow splatters. It was a stunning space which seemed to suit Jacob entirely.

He takes a seat on the couch, looking up at you and patting the space next to him. You sit down, turning your body to face him.

He seems nervous. Do vampires get nervous?

“For the first time in… well, ever, I’m truly baffled by a human. I can’t make any sense of it. I should have killed you last night.”

“Do you need to make sense of it?”

“Yes. Because this isn’t possible. I can’t have f-” He stops himself, running his fingers over the stubble on his upper lip. “I can’t get close to a human.”

“But you want to?”

“It’s dangerous.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

He finally makes eye contact with you, his pupils dilating as soon as his eyes meet yours. “Yes. But it’s not a good idea. It’s a terrible idea.”

“How many people have you killed?”

He sucks in a breath through his teeth. “Honestly? I’m not sure.”

“And you’ve never stopped yourself before, like you did with me?”

“Never.”

“Huh.” You nod slowly, taking in the information.

“I’ve never had a human react with such… gentleness. I was about to drain the life out of you and you… you touched me. It felt like you saw me, saw past what I am now to who I used to be.”

“Tell me about it. Your life.”

He smiles as he reminisces about his past life. “I had a lot of fun. I grew up when rock’n’roll was in full swing. All I ever wanted to do was play guitar, smoke weed and drink beer.” His smile fades. “Then I lost my parents.”

You reach across, placing your hand over his. “Adeline told me, I’m sorry.”

“They were found completely drained of their blood.” He looks down at your hand on his, twisting his wrist to interlock his fingers with yours.

“Jacob… I’m so sorry.” You squeeze his hand.

“I obviously didn’t know at the time. Adeline tried her best to keep me from going off the rails, but I did it anyway. I didn’t want to live anymore, but that choice got taken away from me. I was found on the brink of death, I still don’t know who by. When I came to, I was like this. Discovered very quickly that I was now immortal, couldn’t stand the thought of losing my sister so I turned her too. It was selfish of me, but I needed her.” He sighs as he recounts the memories. “I found the vampires that killed my parents, ripped them into pieces.”

“Seems like they deserved it.”

“But I also deserve it, I’m sure I’ve killed someone’s parents. Someone’s brother, someone’s granddaughter. I’m no better than the bastards that took my parents from me.”

“You didn’t kill me.”

“You’re an anomaly.”

“It still counts. You stopped yourself, I saw it. You had a change of heart.” You move closer to him, placing your hand on the side of his face.

“Y/N.” He warns.

“You won’t hurt me.”

“You don’t know that.” He whispers, looking down at your lips.

You pull back. “Well, if it’s that dangerous for me to be here then maybe I should go.”

The next thing you know you’ve been pushed down onto your back, Jacob looming over you. “No.”

“You should really make your mind up.” You smirk.

His lips are on yours instantly, his tongue lapping into your mouth. You slide your hands up the back of his shirt, and he lets out a soft moan into your mouth as you run your fingernails across his flesh.

Do vampires get… turned on?

“Yes.” He breathes.

“Get out of my head.”

“Ask your questions out loud then.” His arms wrap around your waist, pulling you on top of him so you’re straddling his hips.

“Have you ever…”

“No, never with a human. Not whilst I’ve not been one.” His lips move to your throat, placing sloppy, wet kisses over your jugular.

You subconsciously grind down onto him, desperate for some kind of friction. He growls, digging his fingers into your thighs. “D-don’t do that. I’ve never been in this situation before, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“What if I don’t care?”

“Well, I do. If I lose control with you, I could end up…”

You run your hands up into his hair, tugging at the strands gently. His eyes roll back into his head, his grip on your thighs getting tighter. “Y/N. Please.”

You grind down onto him again and he groans, his hands moving from your thighs to slip underneath your shirt. He palms at your breasts, moving his lips back to yours hungrily. As the kiss deepens, he pulls you down onto him, bucking his hips up as he does. You let out a soft whimper and watch as his eyes darken.

“We need to stop.” He pants out, making no real effort to actually stop.

“I don’t think we do.” You run your hand up his thigh and over his groin. He bucks his hips again under your touch, a fire now raging behind his eyes.

He pushes you backwards so that you’re now laying down on the couch again. Within seconds, your leggings are off and discarded on the floor beside you. He spreads your legs, pulling your panties to the side and drags his middle finger slowly through your folds.

“Hopefully this will shut you up.”

He leans down and you watch as he lets a trail of spit drop from his lips and directly onto your core. He begins to rub tight circles over your clit, building up the intensity and speed at exactly the right time. You writhe beneath him, letting a string of obscenities and moans escape from your chest. You feel that familiar pressure starting to build in the pit of your stomach.

“Oh god. Don’t stop.”

He continues to focus on your clit, using his other hand to plunge two fingers inside of you, curling them up to reach your sweet spot.

“Be a good girl and cum for me.”

His words send you tumbling over the edge, feeling the white hot band inside you snap. The pleasure radiates all over your body, in every nerve and vessel. You feel as if you’re vibrating with the intensity as it washes over you.

“That’s it.” He coos.

Your heart thumps hard in your chest as you come down from your high, and you can’t help but wonder if it’s uncomfortable for him.

“It is, very much so. But my desire to keep you alive outweighs the desire to feed from you.”

You grasp his face, pulling him towards you to kiss his lips gently. As you kiss him, your hand wanders down to his zipper, but he stops you.

“No, not yet. I said I don’t want to hurt you, but I need to be careful. I’m still not entirely used to being around you.”

“Isn’t that a little unfair on you?”

“No, not at all. Plus, it would be more unfair on you if I lost control…” He settles down beside you, tracing circles into the skin of your thigh.

“How long has it been?”

“Depends if you’re asking as a human or a vampire… As a human it’s been around sixty-four years. As a vampire, maybe… six months?”

“Wait, so how old are you? Should I be concerned?” You giggle.

“I was turned at twenty-five, but I’ve lived for eighty-nine years.”

“And you sleep with other vampires?”

“Sometimes, yeah.”

The room goes quiet for a few moments, the only sound filling the space between you being your own quiet breaths. After a while, you turn your head, looking in his eyes. “Have you ever been in love?”

“No.”

“Me either.”

[violetlunette]

Whats your headcanons for malleus and Female silver’s relationship? (platonic i mean but ship if you have any ideas too, lol) Would stuff change since silver is a girl?

I mentioned most of my headcanons for Silver here.

For the most part, not much would change for Malleus. However, the few things that would change would have a significant impact.

One is that Malleus would feel a bit more melancholy as, thanks to Silver’s developed body, he couldn’t ignore the fact she was growing up. Often, he would feel sad that Silver is growing up so fast and dreads the day she may leave him to get married.

Malleus worries about Silver more than he does about male Silver. Not because she’s weaker or lacks faith in her, but because girls tend to attract more unwanted attention than boys. He frequently frets that she may accidentally place herself in a dangerous situation due to her naivety. Therefore, he tries to watch over her from a distance.

Thirdly, Malleus would be careful to keep a professional distance from her in public so that gossip about them being a couple wouldn’t start.

This, mixed with Malleus’ somber attitude at times, often makes Silver feel that Malleus doesn’t care for her as he used to, which makes her lonely in his presence, as he used to dote on her. Of course, this is all just a misunderstanding, as Malleus still adores her as much as ever.

Due to the miscommunication, Silver second-guesses herself and even wonders if Malleus wants her as a guard or if he only allows her the role due to Lilia. This leads to her being a bit nervous around him.

Silver also used to deal with bullying from Malleus’ (and Lilia’s) fangirls in her first years due to their jealousy. Thankfully, Lilia quickly stopped that. (Don’t mess with his girl.) Malleus also gets animosity from Silver’s admirers (not that they’d do anything, as they’re not suicidal).

Aside from this, they’d be the same as Canon.

Some cute headcanons are:

*Malleus taught Silver to dance the waltz (and then Sebek when he got jealous) as Lilia was too spazztic.

**They recalled this memory as they danced together during the GM event.

*When Malleus first noted how "developed" Silver was, his eyes grew three times their size. He stared at her in shock (not lust) till Lilia knocked him out of it by “accidentally” kicking him in the shin. After that, Malleus had trouble understanding how Silver could go from a little girl to a woman in such a short time. (Remember, humans develop faster than fae.)

*Malleus used to let Silver braid his hair and such when it was long. She was a bit sad when Lilia cut it as she couldn’t style it anymore.

**Silver liked his long hair and let hers grow partly because it reminded her of it.

***Malleus will occasionally braid it for her.

*When Silver was alone for the first time, he came to check on her and put a barrier around the house so no one could get in. However, it worked too well, as Lilia couldn’t enter either when he returned from his trip.

*When Uterus demands his sacrifice for the month, Malleus will use healing magic to help her with the cramps.

I never thought of the two in a romance, so I don’t have any headcanons right now.

Anyway, I hope this is enough for now! Thank you so much for the ask. I’m glad female Silver is getting attention.

[ardentpoop]

your a person who I feel really understands Sam and I always enjoy seeing your opinions on the show so i hope you don’t mind me asking a bit of a specific Sam question. In s8 Sam says that the time is he found with Amelia was something unique that he found for the first time in his life. I’ve always found that line to be a bit weird considering Stanford and Jess but I’d like to see what you think Sam means and is saying by this line. Have a good day.

hi :)

I have mixed feelings on the amelia arc leaning more positive than negative bc I’m a contrarian and I thought the fandom disliked that arc for the wrong reasons lmao - as usual dean’s inescapable perspective aggressively dampened ppl’s ability to empathize w/ sam. also as usual this fandom hates women as much as the show does.

anyway bird’s eye view: sam’s “break” with amelia pre-s8 followed the extremely traumatic events (for sam more than anyone) of s4-s7. he spends literal years dealing w/ one catastrophe after another, his and dean’s relationship suffers its first major breakdown in s4 that imo they never truly recover from, he sacrifices himself to save the world bc it was “his fault” it nearly ended, he suffers an eternity of torture in the cage and loses those memories then regains them then loses them again, nothing feels solid to him least of all his own body and mind. and then dean dies in the s7 finale! or at least, sam thinks he does - he has no reason to believe otherwise. and sam looks for dean, we see that he does, we see him spinning out and suicidal again, but then he stops. bc he hits a dog! and he meets A Girl. and this girl, like him, is drifting and grieving and desperate for something solid to hold onto for just a while. and she’s prickly and unapproachable at first and sam finds that comforting.

my overall point is that sam’s headspace going into stanford era and sam’s headspace pre samndean reunion in s8 are like…. impossibly different. he goes through shit his teen self wouldn’t even have the words to describe. he and dean hit lows that he would’ve never thought possible when they only had each other for comfort under john’s roof.

stanford era sam was blessed with ignorance; he was trying to be Normal, he left his stifling family unit behind and started planning a stable future without them, he was doing everything you’re Supposed to do to be a happy successful person per american individualism - and at the time, it WAS making him happy, bc everyone had kept him in the dark abt the nefarious plot he was smack-dab in the middle of; he didn’t know his freedom was an illusion and that he’d never stopped being watched.

pre-s8 sam on the other hand has long since given up on normalcy. he views himself as a freak who will “never be okay” and hunting as a burden that he deserves to bear. it takes dean being gone for the veil to lift a little and remind him that A) it’s maybe okay that he’s a freak lmao bc amelia’s kind of a freak as well and they can help each other specifically because they’re broken in similar ways, and B) he CAN feel okay when he’s not hunting.

like we know sam’s always hated hunting lol his introduction as a character is centered on this inner conflict. however sam “running away” from “the life” before he knows abt what azazel did to him and before he’s made to shoulder the burden of the apocalypse in s5, among countless other burdens, and sam making an Informed Decision to step back from hunting are 2 entirely different things. to me.

also btw sam turning away from hunting is inextricable from sam turning away from dean, and punished accordingly. bc sam’s Place is at dean’s side whether he likes it or not. he is reminded of this the very instant dean gets back from purgatory and bombarded with guilt abt it for the rest of the season until he cracks.

[pygmalionwasajerk]

What My Flashbacks Feel Like

OK massive trigger warning for SA, but i figure i need to put this somewhere to get it out of my head. And the facelessness of the internet helps in this case. So without further ado, What My Flashbacks Feel Like, a poem about… well, you get it.

I am four years old. They tell me we’re playing a grown up game. They tell me it’s called Seven Minutes in Heaven. I want to be a big kid. I want to play. I ignore that there’s only 3 of us in the room, I ignore that there’s no adults here. I want to play with the big kids. I want to fit in. Two of us, me and Kyle, go into the closet. No one sets a timer. I have never figured out who the third person in my mind is. But somehow, I know what they’re there for. They’re the lookout.

Kyle tells me we’re going to play doctor. Kyle tells me he’s the doctor. He tells me I’m the patient. Kyle tells me if I’m the patient, I need to take all my clothes off. I wonder if this is the big kid part of the game. I’ve never played doctor like this before. 

Kyle tells me I need to take off my panties, too. They’re pink. They have flowers on them. They’re size 4T. Four. Toddler. I am four. I don't remember when seven minutes ended. I remember I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. 

I am ten years old. I have nightmares about my grandmother’s closet. I tell no one. I don’t need them to think I’m crazy. After all, dreams aren’t real. 

I am seventeen years old. I go on a hike at thanksgiving. All the cousins go on a hike. I wait for my brother. He fell behind. So did Kyle. Kyle catches up to me. Its the first time I ever remember being alone with him. I want to run away. I want to throw up. I don’t know why I want to do either. 

I am seventeen. The nightmares in the closet come back. 

I am seventeen. I ask my mom if the nightmares are real. I am seventeen. They are. She says I told her when it happened. She says she asked me every question she could think of. She says I told her he didn’t touch me. She says she decided it wasn’t that big of a deal. I wasn’t raped. I wasn’t groped. She won’t let me call it sexual assault. 

I am seventeen. I talk to my therapist. I don’t cry, not the whole session. I go in my bathroom after and throw up. I try to shower it off. It feels like he’s touching me. It feels like he’s touching me every time water flows over my body. I stop showering. 

I am seventeen. I read Redeeming Love for the first time. I cry into the book when Angel cries that she is not clean, that she can never be clean. I realize that I don’t remember whether I am a virgin. 

I am eighteen. There’s a family reunion coming up. No one asks me if I’m okay when he shows up. No one notices how much I flinch away when I see him in the corner of my eye. 

I am eighteen. Everything I know about sex, I learned from the internet. The internet doesn’t say anything about how the woman is supposed to feel besides good. It doesn’t say anything about what she’s supposed to do besides submit. I know what a ring gag is, and what it’s for. I’ve never heard of a clitoris. I try to masturbate. It hurts. I buy a porn subscription anyway. I use my graduation money.

I am eighteen. I am leaving for college. 

I am eighteen. I meet a girl. 

I am eighteen. I am for sure not a virgin. I roll over. She asks me if I regret it. I’m not sure. I don’t think so. At least now I know where I stand. 

She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel okay. She doesn’t mind that I cry every time. I don’t tell her that I’m stopping because I’m nauseous. I pretend I came. 

I am eighteen. I told her. She was angry. I don’t know how to tell her that she made me feel safe, but not safe enough to actually be real. I am ashamed. I was trying to protect her from how broken I am. 

I am eighteen. I am a broken woman. I am eighteen. I will never have good sex. I am eighteen. I will never be safe when I am naked. 

I am nineteen. I broke up with the girl. I regret so much. I get suicidal. I feel guilty. 

I am nineteen. I meet a guy. He wants to fuck me. I want to let him. 

I am nineteen. My body is under him. My brain is miles away. 

I am nineteen. I stop in the middle. I dry heave for 20 minutes. He gets himself off. 

I try to tell him why I hurt like this. I try to bring him in to this inner circle of those who know. I try because I don’t want him to think he hurt me. I don’t want to hurt him. 

He calls me a few days later. He tells me he has nightmares about the things that happened to me. I tell him I do too. He never talks to me again. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. 

I am weeping in my bed, or on a bathroom floor. I am whispering, “Help me.” I am whispering, “I don’t want to.” I can’t breathe. My nails are digging into my shoulders.  

When I come back to myself, I am twenty again. I am real again. I am me again. When the flashback ends, I can be okay again. I can hurt for that four year old and know that she is part of me, but the past is not HERE, it is not NOW. When I come back to myself, I know that my therapist will hear this on Tuesday. That there are people who care that this hurts so bad. That I could talk to someone. 

I am twenty. I still get the nightmares. I still have the porn subscription. I haven’t figured out how much of my sex drive is normal and healthy. I don’t know if I’m kinky or trying to relive my trauma to have some sense of control. I don’t really know anything. But I masturbate a lot. I usually cry after. Sometimes, I do it just to get the emotional release. Sometimes, I do it just because I need to cry. 

I am twenty. I don’t usually tell anyone when the flashbacks start. Or when they end. I usually don’t tell anyone they happen at all. 

I am twenty. They happen almost daily. Sometimes when I masturbate. Sometimes, I just see people kiss on TV. Sometimes, they come out of nowhere at all. 

I am twenty. I am going to be able to fix this. I am doing therapy again. My therapist knows I have flashbacks. I must have told her. Did I tell her? Fuck. 

We’re going to do EMDR. It’s going to help. I’ve heard it really helps. God, I need it to help. I haven’t built my calm safe place yet. Even when I can take charge of my brain when I feel it starting to spiral, I have nowhere to send it. I usually just cry. 

I don’t tell anyone when I cry. I don’t cry in front of people. I can tell this story and have it all together, I can pretend I am wise and mature, I can hide behind closed doors and clever witticisms and ensure that even the people who can see most of my hurts can’t see this one. It’s too much. It’s too much for me to hold. How can I ask that of anyone else? 

I am twenty. It’s been sixteen years. I am four. It’s been twenty seconds. 

[cheyconicbookreviews]

The Edens (will reblog as the last two (3?) books release)

Devney Perry is a goddess. The ease with which these relationships build and flourish is so natural. As a reader, you don’t even notice a shift or a pivotal moment when they blossom from one phase to the next. These organic relationships are magical. 

Also, with the attention to food and coffee in this series, can I move to Quincy? Is there an opening for a girl and her husband to get in on this family for some free deliciousness?

Devney takes everything about writing, everything you might learn in an AP English class, and applies it so effortlessly you don’t even realize you’re getting played. And then it’s so well done you not only fell into it, but you enjoyed it. Ya sicko. Small Town Romance, Each book follows a sibling, Romantic suspense

Indigo Ridge Griffin and Winslow

Fun fact about me– my comfort show is Criminal Minds. I mean, who can resist? Anyway, I have a really hard time sleeping if the soothing sounds of serial murder are not playing in the background. So when this book started off with a badass female chief of police learning her new town has had 7 gruesome suicides in about 7 years, I knew this was going to be good. Winslow Covington is the new girl in a small town. I mean Andy Griffith, everyone knows everyone small town. Population me and you small town. Winslow is new, a young woman, the Mayor’s grand daughter, and the new chief of police. As you might imagine, people aren’t too keen to welcome her with open arms. Her Pops encouraged her to make friends with the Eden family, as they’re basically royalty. And our darling girl unknowingly has a one-night stand with Griffin, you guessed it, Eden. Meet Griffin Eden, grumpy, rugged ranch man who does not want commitment, or change. He’s a family man, loyal to his siblings and parents, but everyone else can go as far as he’s concerned. When Griffin and Winn agree that neither of them would have engaged in the one-night stand had they known who the other was, they were relatively at peace. That is, until a body of a young woman is found at the base of Indigo Ridge on Griffin’s property. Everyone is ready to call it a suicide, but Winslow Covington isn’t so sure. Ruffling feathers as she investigates, Winn wants to make sure that the case is truly closed. Winslow and Griffin are both very dynamic characters. Their relationship feels natural, both in progression and display. There isn’t any unnecessary drama for the sake of plot development. It’s clean and wonderful. The balance of romance and mystery was perfect, in my opinion. The only thing that even remotely felt rushed, in my opinion, was the epilogue. It was almost like Devney had so much she wanted to tell us about their relationship, and not enough pages. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Juniper Hill Knox and Memphis

Knox, the charming younger brother of our beloved Griffin wants two things in this world– peace and quiet. He is a successful restaurant owner and chef, with a mild reputation as a grump. Enter Memphis Ward– single mom, coming in to live in the loft above his garage so she can work at the Eloise Hotel on Main St. Memphis has one goal in mind– carve a good life for her son. Recently cut off from her access to essentially infinite money, Memphis has taken a job as a housekeeper at the Eden family hotel. Grumpy Knox does *not* like that he said yes to Eloise to allow Memphis to live in his spare loft. Memphis does not like that she feels like she’s intruding. Both of them do not like how attracted they are to each other. After some back and forth, they start to get a rhythm of civilness between them. They dance around this invisible line they’ve set. And my God they’re SO mature about it. Devney has my insta-buy approval. But this daycare? Absolutely malicious. You know that feeling when you’re reading and you just *know* something is a big deal? Yeah.

Then here’s another truth. I’m going to take them. I’m going to take all of your bests. Every damn one until you can’t keep track of the top five anymore because there are so many bests that you’ll need a hundred to capture them all.

Knox and Memphis are so so good for each other. They’re magic and stardust and just perfect. I know I keep talking about how organic these relationships are, but I promise I won’t shut up about them. And the DRAMA the ANGST ugh my heart. Heart meet roof. My apple watch told me regularly that mindful breathing could calm me down. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Garnet Flats Talia and Foster

Talia Eden, the super woman is shocked and appalled to see her ex show up at her work, nearly 7 years after he married her best friend and roommate. The audacity of this man to try to win her back? She wasn’t having it. Foster Madden, World Champion Fighter, boxer extraordinaire makes the big move from Vegas to Quincy to win back his girl. He wanted to apologize to her, to tell her everything, but Talia would have none of it. How could she?

So far, this was the least favorite of the Eden stories for me. I love Talia, but the whole deal with Foster was a little much. By the end I liked them, but it wasn’t until like, 60% through that I was on board with them. And I wish that Vivi wasn’t involved. Like at all. I wish I had more of them relearning each other than Talia being jealous of Vivi.It was still a good read, just not my favorite.  

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Again, full reviews of the next books will be reblogged for consistency :)

[the-bau-quinjet]

Seven Drinks

Bucky x f!reader

Summary: There's a reason Y/N has never had more than 3 drinks around the other avengers, and they're about to find out.

Warnings: depression, thoughts of suicide, panic attacks, angst (don't worry there's fluff too)

Word Count: 4322

a/n: This is inspired by that episode of Brooklyn 99 with 6 drink Amy (I adopted that concept!) and also Halsey's album Manic. :) I hope you like it. Anything in bold is a lyric from one of the songs on the album!

Please let me know if I messed up the trigger warning tags! I've never written anything like this before, so I just want to make sure I do it right.

Masterlist

"We're having a party tonight." Tony's announcement was met with the usual groans of annoyance at having to schmooze with the typical socialites that attended Tony's party. "You know, you are so ungrateful sometimes. here I am trying to throw you a party, and you're complaining!"

"Tony, we all appreciate the effort you go to, but- at least speaking for me- I don't like people." Y/N's response was effortless, swiftly calming Tony and explaining the reactions.

"That is why-" Tony stuttered when he actually registered the words you said. "That doesn't sound like you at all. And besides, this is a party for just us. It'll be more like team building, but without any pre-planned activities. No "smarmy, rich people" to deal with." He directed his last sentence at Bucky, Steve, and Sam.

The team actually seemed excited at the prospect, albeit skeptical of Tony's motivations.

Unsurprisingly, Nat worked up the courage to question him on it first, "what's the catch?"

"No catch. Just friends, food, and lots of alcohol." His grin quickly shifted into a smirk as the entire room turned to look at you.

You groaned slightly, not wanting all the attention. "Look, there is a reason I cap myself at 3 drinks." Holding up one finger, you started to explain, "One drink Y/N is barely any different from my sober self."

Wanda quickly cut you off, "not true! You get louder." She smirked, happy to have added that tidbit of information.

"Fine." With a laugh, you admitted she was right. "I might get the tiniest bit louder." You held up a second finger to continue your explanation, but were once again cut off.

"It's not a bad thing. It's just your happy, bubbly, and slightly louder than normal personality shining through!" Nat added, seeing an opportunity to tease you for being so positive all the time.

"Thanks Nat. Anyway," emphasizing the rudeness of being interrupted twice, you continued, "two drink Y/N is more touchy feely than normal. Not in a creepy way though!"

"I love two drink Y/N. She gives the best hugs!" Thor eagerly added to the conversation, glad to have dropped by when he did.

"Thanks Thor." With a small smile in his direction, you held up a third finger. "Three drink Y/N is the perfect amount of just past tipsy to have fun without doing anything extremely embarrassing. It makes the most sense to stop there." You finished her little speech with your typical smile and a resolute nod of your head.

"Seriously, you need to relax. Just let loose this one time!" Sam tried to encourage you. With the eyes of nearly every avenger set on you, your resolve didn't last very long.

"Fine! Maybe I'll have a fourth drink." You were met with cheers as you rose from your spot on the couch, trying to prepare for the night that was to come.

--

As soon as you stepped off the elevator, you had a drink in your hand. Clearly your friends were going to make sure you got a fourth drink. even Steve seemed excited when he saw you, although his golden boy personality didn't disappear completely.

"You sure about this? I don't want you to feel pressured!" Bucky nodded, weirdly enthusiastically, before adding, "Yeah doll, don't drink more than you want to."

"You two are too sweet. Sam's right, but don't tell him I said that." You winked at the two super soldiers, emphasizing the joke. "I should let myself relax sometimes. I'm in a safe place, with friends who won't let anything happen to me. What could a few more drinks really do?" You couldn't help but smile at how true that was. You were surrounded by people who care about you.

"Oh, so now it's a few more drinks? What are we talking here, six drink Y/N? Seven?" Bucky teased.

"You'll have to wait and see, Ducky." You teased right back, knowing how flustered he got at the pet name. Steve laughed at his friend as you walked away, ready for your second drink.

--

Before long, you had your fourth drink in your hand. It was slightly odd how literally everyone was staring at you, but your were three drink Y/N at the time, so you were drunk enough not to care.

You downed the fourth drink, unprepared for the consequences.

"So, Y/N... how do you feel?" Clint braved the waters, everyone eagerly awaiting your reaction.

"That is so nice of you to ask! I feel great! I don't think I've ever been this happy." You jumped up and down, hugging Clint with a huge smile on your face.

"How did you get even happier?" Tony chuckled, shaking his head slightly.

"Do you not like it?" Like a switch had been flipped, you were nearly crying.

"What?! No!" Tony was so taken aback at the tears pooling in your eyes, he froze, unsure how to fix it. He looked around the room for help, but everyone else was just as shocked as him.

"I'll fix it!" You were at the bar, fixing another drink before anyone fully comprehended your mood swing.

You walked back up to the group, sipping from your fifth drink as if nothing happened. "What?" You questioned the odd looks, but before receiving an answer you squealed, again jumping up and down. "Let's dance!" You turned around, ready to move to the more open area before looking back over your shoulder, "Wanda! Nat! Pepper! Come on!"

The women shared a look, ultimately shrugging before joining you on the makeshift dance floor.

-

"Bucky, you've been staring at her for 20 straight minutes. When are you finally gonna talk to her?" Steve couldn't help but pester him about his feelings.

"I can't help it. I've never seen her dance so much. I mean, I know she's always happy, but this is a whole new level." He didn't take his eyes off of you, even when he was responding. "I can't tell her tonight, though. This is the most she's had to drink in years."

He watched as you moved back over to the bar, needing another drink after dancing so much.

"Here we go, six drink Y/N." Bucky gestured to the bar. Steve shook his head, but allowed the change of topic.

-

About five minutes after your sixth drink, you were somehow bounding around with even more energy. You were nearly running around the room, trying to talk to everyone at once.

"Ducky! Have I ever told you I took gymnastics lessons for 7 years when I was younger?" You were bouncing with pent up energy, excited to be sharing more information about yourself.

"No, you've actually never mentioned that." He smiled, enraptured by your childlike enthusiasm, so enraptured that he didn't notice the mischief in your eyes.

"Well, I did! Watch this." You handed a confused Bucky your now empty glass, turning and throwing your arms up. Bucky realized two late what was happening, and with both yours and his glasses in his hands, he couldn't physically stop you.

"Y/N, wait!" His shout had everyone turn and look as you flawlessly executed two cartwheels in a row.

Bucky would swear your smile got even bigger as you turned around to look at him again.

"Normally I can do more, but" you hiccuped, then lowered your voice to a really terrible whisper, "I'm a little drunk." You leaned into him, laughing as if you just told a joke.

Wanda walked up to you with a seventh drink, hoping seven drink Y/N had a little less energy, but happy to see you having so much fun. "Here ya go! One more of your favorites, just like you asked."

"Thank youuuuuu!" You shifted to hug Wanda, leaving Bucky to miss your added warmth.

-

You sipped your seventh drink slower than the rest, quickly running out of energy. Sliding the empty glass across the bar, you slipped out of the party unnoticed, making your way to the kitchen for some pickles- your favorite drunk food.

Your seventh drink hit you just after you opened the pickles. Gone was the happy, bubbly persona you showed the world. The mask slipped away, leaving you alone to contemplate your life choices.

You made your way to to the lounge just outside of the kitchen, choosing to lay on the floor behind the couch and stare out of the large floor to ceiling windows.

-

"Where's Y/N?" Bucky glanced around the room, an uneasy feeling in his stomach.

"Huh? Oh, she said she wanted a snack." A very drunk Wanda turned to look at where the food was set up, scrunching her face in confusion when she couldn't find you. "Weird. Maybe she went to the bathroom?"

Bucky, having noticed your absence 8 minutes ago, didn't think you left for a bathroom break. "Maybe." Plus, you always took the girls to the bathroom with you. His eyes flitted about the room, taking one more glance before deciding to go look for you.

He decided to head for the kitchen since Wanda said you wanted a snack. He laughed at the open jar of pickles, knowing you at least passed through this room. He put the pickles away before popping his head into the lounge area.

"Y/N?" He called out, figuring this was the most likely location for you to end up.

You hummed in response, not moving from your spot on the floor. Bucky walked further into the room, slightly confused as to why he could hear you but not see you. That is, until he realized you were laying on the floor behind the couch.

"Why are you on the floor?" He smiled when he found you.

"I'm just looking at the sky." Your voice held a melancholy air as it floated through the room. Bucky's smile faltered, not used to hearing you sad. In the three years he's known you, he's only ever seen you sad because of a movie or tv show. Otherwise, you were quite literally always happy.

"Why-" he faltered, unsure how to check on you. "Is everything okay?" he nearly choked the words out, feeling slightly stressed at your sudden gloominess.

"Yeah." You took a deep breath, slowly letting it out in a deep sigh. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just... I don't know." You sigh again, still looking at the sky.

Bucky chances another question, wanting to get you talking since you're acting so off. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel... so sorry." You words were so soft that Bucky could barely hear them.

"Sorry?" He tried to hide his confusion, matching your soft tone as he sat down a few feet away from you. "About what doll?"

"Just... because I feel so sad." Tears pooled in your eyes, but you didn't stop staring at the sky.

"What are you sad about?" It's taking everything in him for Bucky not to hold you right now. He doesn't want to make you even more upset, especially because he's never seen you like this.

"No one around me knows who I am..." He watched as a tear rolled down your cheek, shining in the light from the moon.

Bucky moves closer, just close enough for him to reach out and hold your hand. You squeeze it, instant relief flooding through him that he hasn't crossed any boundaries.

He goes to speak, but you cut him off. "I'm not breaking. I won't take it. And I won't ever feel this way again." Your voice is harder, as if your angry with yourself.

"Hey, hey, hey. It's okay to have feelings. You're allowed to feel like this. Don't push it away. Talk to me. Why don't you think anyone knows who you are? We're all here for you, Y/N." He rubs his thumb over the back of your hand, trying to convey how serious he is.

You let out a dry laugh, wiping the the tears from your cheek. "My self preservation..." Bucky can tell there's more to, choosing to wait for you to continue. "All of my reservations..." You sigh again, sitting up, you scoot closer until you can lean your forehead against his shoulder. "I bottle it up. I'm my own biggest enemy." You let out another dry laugh, shaking your head without moving it from its resting place on Bucky's shoulder.

Bucky wraps his arm around you and leans his cheek against your head. "Take your time. You can talk to me." He whispered, trying to keep you talking without getting mad at yourself again.

"Well, I'd like to tell you that my sky is not blue, it's violent rain." The sounds of your sniffles break his heart. "I just pretend everything's fine because that's what I had to do when I was younger." Rather then interrupting, Bucky continues to rub small circles on your hand and your back, encouraging you to continue when you're ready. "Can I tell you a story? I... I think it'll help explain some of it."

"Of course. Anything you need, doll." He curses himself for the pet name, not wanting you to think he's joking. He just can't help it when it comes to you.

"Thank you, ducky." You chuckle, but your words are just as sincere as his. "You know I have two sisters, and I love them with all my heart, but sometimes growing up with them was hard. My older sister, she put so much pressure on herself to succeed. And, she did. She was so good at everything she did, that I felt like I had to be just as perfect.

With my younger sister, it was like it was effortless. She put just as much, if not more pressure on herself. but, she could do anything she tried to, with almost no learning curve. I always felt this crazy amount of pressure to be just as good.

My parents, they didn't really help with that. I mean, they were so supportive and I'm so grateful to them, but it was a lot of pressure. The summer between my junior and senior year of college, I wanted to get an internship. Ya know, to get some experience. It would set me up better for getting a job after graduation.

I spent months looking and applying, but nothing was working out. So, I went home for the summer. My mom would come home everyday and ask me if I got a job yet.

I spent nearly every waking hour looking for a job, even just a part time one for the summer. So one day, when we sat down for dinner and she asked if I got a job yet..."

Bucky could feel how tense you were telling this story, but he knew you needed to get it out.

"I told her, 'no, not yet' and she just seemed so disappointed. She asked if I was even applying and I snapped.

I yelled at her, something that had never really happened before. I told her I was trying. I was doing everything I could. She yelled at me for yelling and said it wasn't unreasonable to ask for updates.

I yelled right back. I kept saying I spend all day everyday trying and just when I finally get a break, she walks in and brings it all up again. I was stressed enough without her constant reminders.

I ended up running away from the table, in tears. I hid in the bathroom, there... there was a pair of scissors on the counter and I really thought about killing myself that day."

The tears are pouring out of you at this point. Bucky threw caution to the wind. He picked you up, maneuvering you to sit across his lap and lean your head on his chest. He kept rubbing circles into your back, murmuring words of encouragement.

"My younger sister tried to check on me, but I wouldn't open the door. My mom stomped down the hallway to her bedroom. I was full on having a panic attack in the hallway bathroom. I think I stayed in there for an hour before I went back to the dinner table.

My dad was in the kitchen. He put my plate in the microwave to heat up dinner for me. I ate through near constant tears, it only got worse every time he tried to ask me what happened. Why I snapped like that.

I wanted to apologize to my mom for yelling, so after I ate I went to her room. I knocked, and when she told me to come in I opened the door. I just remember her looking so angry.

I apologized. I told her I was sorry for yelling. She said something about not being unreasonable again. I cried again. When she asked what was wrong, I told her I was scared.

I couldn't put it into words though, so when she asked me 'of what?' I just shrugged. Then, she asked me if I was on my period.

God. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell at her again, To make her understand 'I only wanna die some days. But if I decide to break, who will fill the empty space?' I decided that day that I would never try to tell anyone how I actually felt."

Bucky holds you as you cry. You're not sure how long it's been when you can finally breathe enough to talk again.

"I just, so many people have bigger problems then me. I grew up in a loving household. I went to college and made friends. I got a job after I graduated. So why am I so sad sometimes? I just wanna scream but what’s the use? At night, I lay awake and I stare at the door, I just can’t take it no more."

Bucky continues comforting you when he speaks again. "Just because other people have problems, doesn't mean yours are irrelevant. You are 100% allowed to feel however you feel, even if it seems like there's no reason for it. Have you ever thought about talking to someone about all of this? I know you just said you haven't told anyone how you actually feel for years, but I think it could help." He smiled nervously when you raised your head to look at him.

"I have actually. I joked about it a lot with my roommate right out of college. I always used to say 'everybody needs therapy' as a joke. Of course, I meant it. Most people probably do need therapy." You laughed, moving your arms around Bucky's neck to hug him. "Thank you for listening to me. I like talking to you."

Of course, Bucky noticed your smile didn't reach your eyes. He was confident in his words when he spoke again. "You can always talk to me. I'll always be there to listen." He followed that with a less confident "What's been bothering you today?"

"Oh, nothing that serious. It's just all pent up inside, ya know?" You smiled again, hiding your face so he couldn't see your lies.

Of course, he could still hear it in your voice. "Y/N, you can tell me. I want to be here for you."

"I... It's just, my insecurities are hurting me." You laughed at yourself. "Here we go with the fucking riddles, again. On the plus side, I think I've cried so much I'm back to one drink Y/N."

"Well, it has been 3 hours since I left to come find you." You were grateful for Bucky's joke, needing something to lift the mood a bit. "But, don't try and change the subject. I still want to know what's got you all sad." His words were light, but you knew how serious he was.

You took a deep breath, burying your head in his neck. "How could somebody ever love me?" You spoke into his shirt, not moving your head back even an inch.

"You know I can't understand you when you talk into my neck like that." Bucky tried joking, but even he knew it would do little to calm your fears.

You moved back, lips still grazing his skin when you repeated yourself, "how could somebody ever love me?"

Bucky wanted to scream. He wanted to tell you how much he loves you. He would gladly spend every day of his life loving you, but he didn't think this was the right time. Not when you just poured your heart out to him. So he settled for the almost truth.

"Anyone would be lucky to love you. You are selfless. You put everyone else first, no matter what. You always make sure everyone has a reason to smile, even when things aren't going right. You tell the best jokes. You're great at cuddling." He squeezes you closer to him, emphasizing the point. "You are beautiful, inside and out. Everyone who comes into contact with you automatically has a better day. You are incredibly strong and independent. I've never met anyone so incredibly good. Even Steve. Anyone would be lucky to be loved by you."

His words brought more tears to your eyes, pooling in the corners. "Then how come everyone that I’ve dated says they hate it cause they don’t know what to do with me? I feel broken."

"They were all idiots. You're not broken. Not even a little bit. You're learning how to express your feelings. You just need someone who would take it slow." He pressed a kiss to your forehead, struggling not to tell you everything.

"I wonder if you’d take it slow." Your eyes go wide when that slips out. You hadn't meant to make things uncomfortable. One look at Bucky's face has you freaking out. He looks stunned. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to say that. It just slipped out! Oh god, you've been there for me all night and I go and fuck it up by admitting I'm in love with you."

Your eyes grow even larger. You would move out of his lap, but his arms are still holding you in place. "Shit! Maybe I'm still drunk because apparently I have no filter." You say the last part more to yourself, but he can still hear you.

"Y/N?" Your name comes out of his mouth in a soft whisper.

"Yes?" You cringe internally at messing everything up.

"I would take it slow." He smiles, leaning his forehead against yours while he waits for you to absorb his words.

"Yeah?" You whisper back, a smile ghosting your lips.

"Yeah." You both lean in, exchanging soft, slow kisses and sleepy smiles.

--

The two of you ended up falling asleep leaning against the back of the couch. The sun streaming through the windows, combined with the noise of the other avengers in the kitchen, wakes you up.

You nudge Bucky, grinning when he pulls you closer.

"C'mon. Let's get some breakfast." He groans again, but eventually stands up.

The two of you walk into the nearly full kitchen, surprising everyone by coming from the lounge rather than the elevators. They share amused expressions, unaware of the emotional hurdles you jumped last night.

You head right for Sam, hugging him tightly before moving on to hug everyone else.

"I just wanted to thank you all. For encouraging me to live a little last night, but also for being there for me." Tears spring to your eyes again, shocking everyone but Bucky. "You're all like a family to me and I'm so glad I have you all to lean on." You made your way back to Bucky, leaning into his side while he poured both of you some cereal.

You smile when you look at him, kissing his cheek before sliding into the stool next to his.

As if broken out of a day dream, Sam sputters out a question. "What the hell did seven drink Y/N do last night?" Thrown off both by your behaviour with Bucky and the short emotional speech.

"Oh, seven drink Y/N is an emotional little bitch. I think I cried eight years of suppressed tears." You laughed, grinning at Bucky when he squeezed your hand. "Also, I think I need a therapist." Your casual admission has Tony spitting out his breakfast.

"What the hell happened last night after you disappeared from the party?" He guffaws, trying to put the pieces together.

"Also, why aren't you even a little bit hungover?" Nat chimed in, upset at missing out on seeing you anything but cheery.

"Well, to answer Nat first, I don't get hungover. Never have, even the one time I blackout out." You shrugged at everyone's slightly jealous expressions. "To answer Tony, I had an emotional breakthrough. Bucky helped me talk through it, something I never thought I'd be able to do. Long story short, i'm going to learn how to share my feelings instead of suppressing them all."

"Suppressing them? What are you talking about? I've literally never felt anything but happiness from you before?" Wanda questioned the new development.

"Well, that's because I'm really good at hiding how I feel. I'd rather not go through it all again, so just watch the security footage from the lounge last night, yeah? I want you all to know, even if it took seven drink Y/N to share it." You quickly finished eating, pulling Bucky to the doorway.

"While you do that, we're going out. Bye!" Before they could question anything else, you ran to the elevator, dragging a very willing Bucky behind you.

"We're going out?" He questioned when the elevator doors shut.

"Yep. Get dressed, I want to see all your favorite places in New York. Even if they're different now. Take me to all your favorite spots." You both smiled, sharing another soft kiss before parting to change for the day.

"Hey," Bucky called, causing you to turn over your shoulder, "I love you."

"I love you too."

[heniareth]

I was really curious about what your opinions on the DAO companions are :) I know we have talked about some, but I'd love to hear more and about the others as well :D I hope it's ok to pose this as an ask :)

Sure! That sounds like a ton of fun. This might be a long one tho. Mind you, this is not the finished version of the answer. I'd like to link stuff and add a cut, but rn that's not possible. I'll update it when I can.

Edit: I have updated it ^^

Let's go alphabetically bc why not.

Alistair:

Sweet guy. So sweet. There was a moment when I was hard pressed chosing between him and Zevran (alas, Zevran won). Also, he's weirdly tall according to the wiki? How did I not notice that before?

Let's get a bit more serious now, Alistair is a great guy. The only reason he's not the hero of the story is because he doesn't want to. He has all the qualities of a leader: he's good at dealing with conflict (as evident with the conversation with the mage at the beginning. He gets where he wants to get without antagonizing the mage, but without allowing him to trample all over him). He's a solid tactitian and knows how to make allies (he suggests to use the Grey Warden treaties, after all). I bet if he was in the leadership position, he'd even not bicker with Morrigan. His moral code is pretty tight; some might say too tight, but I think it's less about the moral code and more about learning to judge people by their actions, not by the labels they fit into (Morrigan is a proud apostate and therefore bad. Wynne is a humble circle mage and therefore good). He also has a bit of a black-and-white way of seeing the world. I empathize a lot with Alistair, especially with his experience with the Chantry and his subsequent reluctance to deal with it. I really wish I had gotten to know more about concrete experiences he had during his training as templar, but he seems reluctant to talk about it (gee, I wonder why).

Since I've only played the game once, I haven't really picked up on Arl Eamon's abuse towards him, which apparently exists (Isolde, however... I mean, even if he were Eamon's illegitimate son, he's a kid, ma'am, he didn't exactly get to chose his parents. So that's so not okay). Alistair's way of speaking about them both, however, is either sign that he has not come within a hundred miles of acknowledging how much it hurt him, or that he's already gone through the whole process and has decided to forgive them. The latter shows a very strong character; yes, he relies on the approval and leadership of others, he has his issues, but he's already started working on them.

That being said, irl Alistair would be like a little brother to me. I'd tease him relentlessly (all in good fun and I promise to stop if it makes him uncomfortable, but he's just so teasable). I still wish the videogame gave him the chance to take important decisions for himself. But that, of course, would somewhat defeat the point of the game.

Leliana:

Another sweet, sweet person. Her singing voice is amazing. Her belief in the Maker inspires me (I'm a religious person and seeing religious characters represented in a positive light is Very Cool. It's also sometimes a source of discomfort, because the Church has done a lot of very messed up stuff and positive representation can sometimes veer into apologetics for things that should not be excused, but that's a whole other can of worms. The bottom line is that religious characters sometimes work for me and other times don't and Leliana works for me very much bc she's an outsider inside the Chantry).

Leliana is best friend material, tbh. I'd love to get to know her irl, discuss theology and philosophy and maybe even politics? She makes mistakes and has prejudices, but, tbh, so do I. And I do get the feeling that she tries her best to learn. From the times she intervenes in a conversation between the Warden and an NPC, she shows herself to be compassionate and open to the needs of others. What I get from her character is that she genuinely wants to help, which is something that I adore of her. I suspect that she sometimes has a hard time deciding wether she's a good person or not. She has killed and seduced and worked for a morally dubious person, and she doesn't show the same nonchalance about it as Zevran (though they both do discuss their line of work in very... professional terms). This is, however, more of a headcanon than actual factual canon.

I also very much enjoy her girly side, like her interest in shoes and dresses. She's one badass woman who also looses her cool about the latest fashions in Val Royeaux. I like that. Between her and Alistair, a non human noble Warden has as good a help to navigate the Fereldan court as they're going to get. Leliana is also, I can't forget that, clever and insightful. It'd be easy to write her off as the innocent chantry girl, but she's so much more than that. Her kindness is paired with foresight, I think. She knows that taking on the trouble to help now can go a long way in the future. I just have a lot of respect for her.

Loghain:

This one's gonna be short bc I didn't recruit him. He's an amazing villain and would probably be a great Warden as well. He reminds me of Denerhor from LOTR; once a hero/stewart of his people, ambition and desperation have driven them both down a terrible path. I have also only little idea about his past. People say he lost a lot, and I believe it wholeheartedly; it doesn't excuse the fact that he plunged the country into a civil war in the middle of a Blight. I don't have a lot of sympathy for short-sighted politicians. I wish he hadn't made himself regent. That's what I take away from his character.

Edit: One thing I forgot to mention that really impressed me was his death. I had Alistair duel him (that was a rough duel), and then it kinda just jumped to a cutscene of my Warden nodding and Alistair executing him. That didn't sit well with me. I didn't want to kill Loghain, and less so in front of Anora. But what impressed me was that Loghain just accepted it. That takes a whole lot of guts. Compare that to Howe's death, and how he screams out that he deserved (more, probably, or anything but death) and it's crystal clear who the more noble of the two is. Loghain strikes me as very lawful neutral, and any neutral alignment has the particularity that it can be dragged towards good or bad, sometimes without the characters noticing it (which is interesting from a DnD perspective; neutral is often concieved of as just as stable as good or evil, but that may not be true. But that's a different post). Anyway, Loghain's death was impactful.

Morrigan:

I could kick myself for not maxing out her approval in the first play-through. I got to enjoy a bit of her friendship by the end of it and boy was even that little bit worth it. Friendship with Morrigan is something that is hard-won. It's all the more precious because of that.

Morrigan is full of paradoxes, I think. She's incredibly wise in some ways, yet also very short-sighted (”just kill them, don't solve their problems”. Morrigan, dear, I'm not going to gain a lot of allies if I kill everybody who poses a problem to me). She is so intelligent, but emotionally... not so. She knows so much about some things, and very little about the next. She's incredibly wilful and knows what she wants, but follows Flemeth's orders all the time through. She hungers for power and independence, yet craves closeness, but won't allow herself to have it. She asks you to prove yourself to her and is extremely critical of your actions, I think, because she's afraid. She bites the hand that feeds her because it might hit her next.

Like with Eamon, I haven't managed to catch the undercurrent of abuse that seems to permeate Flemeth's relationship with Morrigan. Except there are signs, because there must be something Morrigan is scared of and who has instilled all that rage in her, and that's Flemeth. Also, she clearly hates/does not care about her and wants her dead (unless killing Flemeth was part of Flemeth's plan as well? Hm.)

Morrigan is that one person who you are nice to, continuously, because nobody else is. And suddenly she becomes less cold. And then friendly. And suddenly you're asking yourself why everybody hates her, because she's a really good friend! I just wish the other companions came to a similar conclusion, especially Alistair and Wynne.

Oghren:

They did this man dirty. He has such great lines and I'm convinced he was a great person before Branka disappeared. He has that dwarven warrior spirit, and while he looks like Gimli, some of his most impactful lines remind me of Dwalin or even Thorin Oakenshield himself. He could be so noble had he gotten some character development, damnit!

Oghren as he is written is somewhat disgusting. I hate the lechering comments and the drunkenness. And still, I don't hate him because of those amazing lines he has when he's actually sober. It's frustrating and I'll give him that character development myself if the game won't. I strongly associate the song Whiskey Lullaby with him, bc that's how he would have ended up if the Warden hadn't taken him along (warning: the song talks about suicide and alcoholism). Like I said, they could have done such cool things with his character. As he is written now... it's just sad. Moments of lucidity drowned in alcohol and creepy jokes. As you can see, I don't blame the character for either. The alcoholism happens all too often irl. The creepy jokes... I put that one on the writers' tab.

I actually think Oghren could have been a great mentor figure (I know, I shock myself as well sometimes). Next to the Grey Wardens, the ones who know most about fighting darkspawn are the dwarves because they have to deal with them constantly. Especially a warrior caste dwarf like Oghren could have brought a lot of that invaluable knowledge to the team, especially since there are no Grey Wardens in Ferelden but two extremely green recruits. Next, you get the chance to give Oghren the command of the teammates you leave behind in the battle of Denerim with the reason that he has lead men into battle before. Where did that suddenly come from? Oghren should have been right up there telling my Warden that they were doing this wrong, that they needed more food (and booze) and a confident leader to keep the armies they've called together going. Oghren should have been able to tell my civilian city elf who got recruited into the Grey Wardens a six months ago how one leads an army. How one presents oneself to inspire confidence, how one doesn't crack under the pressure, how one gets the leaders of said armies (some who hate each others guts i.e. Dalish elves and humans) to work together. And, last but not least, Oghren could have had a great story about grief. This is a man who has lost most of what made him (and what he hasn't lost he's spilling down the drain with every mug of ale). This is a man who, if you take him into the Deep Roads, has to see what his wife did to his family, how his wife got absolutely obsessed, and can be forced to kill said wife or watch her die. All Wardens loose their home and families at the start of the story. It would really have rounded the whole narrative out if the Warden and Oghren could have recognised their grief in each other and hashed it out somehow. Such as it is, Oghren is a depressed drunkard and there is nothing we can do about that. I find that frustrating.

Rascal (a.k.a. Dog):

Best boy. 100/10. I wish we had gotten to see the reaction of the different origins to the mabari (because elves probably have a whole different experience with them from mages or humans. And dwarves just... I think they straight up have none? XD). Other than that, no complaints. The name Rascal was the one I gave my dog because you have to be a right rascal to survive what he did and play the pranks he plays. Smartest breed in the world indeed.

Shale:

Shale is one of those characters that I recruited rather late in the game, so I haven't had the chance to explore their personality and worldview, really. I didn't even get to take them to the Deep Roads (this will be ammended in playthrough nr. 2). As such, I don't have particularly strong opinions on them (or her? The wiki refers to Shale as 'it', but that sounds weird). But, because I know so little about Shale, I have a lot of questions. First, what were they like before they were a golem? Shayle, as she was called then, was the best warrior of her time if I remember correctly. Why did she become a golem? Was it to be able to eternally protect her people? Was the sarcasm the golem Shale exhibits also part of the dwarven warrior Shayle or did that come later (if for thirty years you have nobody to talk to but yourself, you better be entertaining. And I can imagine how it could make somebody terribly jaded as well).

Next, how attached is Shale to their golem form, exactly? According to the banter, they infinitely prefer it to a squishy fleshy form. If that is the case, however, why go to Tevinter to try and become a squishy dwarf again? It's not like that process could be reversed if they wanted to become a golem again; if Shale survives to the end of the game, the Anvil of the Void is destroyed and Caridin is dead. Was the whole spiel about their indestructible form a façade? It might have been, but not because Shale actually disliked their form. I think it would have more to do with the loss of their memories and with the very invasive experiments and alterations of Shale's body made by the mage Wilhelm. The loss of memories means that Shale is unable to remember life as a fleshy creature. They might be deflecting by pretending that they didn't care for that experience anyway because of the superiority of their golem form. The modifications made to their form by Wilhelm would have alienated them from their body. In light of this, it's significant that Shale asks the Warden to decorate their form with crystals.

All of this is, of course, pure speculation. I may have easily missed or forgotten details that would disprove the above thoughts. All in all, I like Shale and I hope we meet them again in DA4 (given that it's mostly set in Tevinter). It's a liking from a respectful distance, because Shale is tall and made out of rock and also way more experienced than I will ever be (they are literally the oldest member of the Warden's little Blight fighting squad).

Sten:

Sten is another person I'd keep a respectful distance from physically. That seems to be the what he would prefer, at least. I've enjoyed his character a lot, especially because he seems pretty clear-cut at first, but slowly lets the nuance of his person show (gruff and stoic, but then he has an eye for art, a sweet tooth and he likes cute animals). It's also very interesting that there's no moment when you learn "the truth" about him the way you do with Zevran or Leliana. There's no big reveal about his life under the Qun before coming to Ferelden. He says he was sent to monitor the Blight, but honestly? If neither Ferelden nor Orlais knew there was a Blight, how could the Qunari know? I think he's lying, and he takes his secrets back with him when he leaves Ferelden. And yet I think I know him enough to say that a Warden who has become friends with him has nothing to fear from Sten.

One thing I find very interesting about Sten is how he thinks. His conversation about how women can't be soldiers has been analysed a lot on this page I think. He seems to be arguing based on a different paradigma than the one the Warden has. He also seems to have a very clear-cut view of the world. What is fascinating to me is that, when arguing with the Warden and learning about their culture, he is not necessarily becoming more lax about his worldview. I think it's more likely that he is expanding his paradigma, the structure of thought through which he understands the world. I don't think that he is now convinced that women can be warriors as well. I think he rather understands that, in Ferelden, the relationship between occupation and gender is different than under the Qun. Which of the two he thinks is more right or more agreeable, I have no idea. I'm also not very interested in that. But I find it fascinating how he always seems to be looking on quietly, gathering data, classifying it and trying to fit it into his understanding of how the world works. I wouldn't be surprised at all if his original party was a scouting party to see how vulnerable Ferelden was at that moment to outside forces. One thing I don't understand with all of this is why he urges the Warden to meet the Blight head on. No smart soldier would suggest that, except if they are foolishly proud (and Sten doesn't seem like that kind of guy tbh). I get that the Warden takes way longer to gather allies than expected because they first have to solve all of their allies' problems. But surely Sten sees the need to have allies? Is he just that impatient? Does he have a death wish (à la, I lost my sword and am without honour, better to die sooner than later and in glorious battle)? Was he his group's previous commander and is he now having trouble following somebody else's orders? Or maybe it's his way to make sure the Warden knows what they are doing? To push them into becoming the self-assured commander their allies will need once they're all gathered? I really don't know. I like the last option best, however.

For me, Sten is my fellow, more experienced soldier. Like Alistair, he can potentially be the Warden's brother in arms, but he's definitely the older brother here. He probably doesn't take kindly to tearful confessions of how hard everything is, but I feel like he's otherwise a solid rock to lean on. I feel like the Warden can trust him to do what is necessary and count on him no matter what, especially after they get his sword back. His devotion from that point on is honestly so powerful.

Wynne:

Wynne was such a support for my Warden (except with the whole conversation about love vs. duty and that she may have to choose between Zevran and ending the Blight and that she should therefore break up with him. Wynne had a point. Astala was so not willing to sacrifice her relationship with Zevran. But the whole conversation came at a point where she was already so disillusioned that she blew up in Wynne's face (”can i please just have one (1) nice thing????”)). But all in all, Wynne is great.

She has a lot of flaws. She was very marked by her life in the Cricle and, for all her age, she has little experience living outside of it. She is also a conformist despite her strong moral core. In a way, her ability to find peace with her lot in life impresses me deeply because it speaks to a lot of strength of character. Sadly, however, strength can be ill applied and used to suppress. I think she has convinced herself that the Chantry is right under (almost) all circumstances to be able to rationalize the life that mages live. She's had her son taken away from her as a baby and an apprentice killed. Her reaction seems to have been to convince herself that this was right, or for the greater good (and now I'm thinking about the Guardian's question at the temple of Andraste's Ashes; are you wise or do you just repeat what others have told you? The answer is not as clear-cut as it might be). This is why she is so irritated by Zevran and Morrigan. By aligning herself with the Chantry, she is, in her eyes, good. Zevran and Morrigan are not; they do not conform to Chantry morality and they defend themselves tooth and nails against somebody who would try and convert them. This is something Wynne never allowed herself to do; she always did the "right" thing and it has cost her so much. I'm not saying she was right (it would probably have done her some good to rebel from time to time, and to trust her own gut instinct more), but in light of this, it hardly surprises me that she's so judgamental. She has to be, or she would be forced to confront all the evil she has not fought against all those years and all the hurt that has been caused to her by the very institution she protects (and thank God she only tries to argue and can appreciate it when people have found a good life outside of her comfort zone. If she tried to convince by force or, for example, drag her former apprentice back to the Circle... boy oh boy that would get ugly). If you think about it, Wynne really is a good example for what happens if you live by a philosophy of always choosing the lesser evil.

Something that I keep forgetting over her grandmotherly and dignified character is how damn powerful she is. She has escaped the carnage at Ostagar; HOW!? She protected those mage apprentices in the Circle tower for God knows how long. In the battle of Denerim, she wades through an army and comes out alive on the other side. The wiki lists her age at 40, I think, but that doesn't make a lick of sense unless 75 years of age are the Fereldan equivalent to 100. This lady, about whom people make grandmother jokes, did all that. It's impressive.

Zevran:

You know, I would really love to know what Wynne thinks about the events at Kirkwall in DA2. It might be a disaster for her, or it might pave the way for one last bit of character development. She certainly didn't want to return to the Circle after fighting the Blight. That may be an indicator of some change in her stance on the Circle of Magi.

Edit: I forgot that she is what the Circle considers a literal abomination! Holy cow, how could I forget that?? Anyway, her conversation about what being an abomination means is so... heartbreaking, actually. It's so tentative. So careful. "Am I an abomination? Am I the same thing that has killed my students? The same thing as Uldred? Am I lost and damned? Did I invite this spirit in? Is this my fault?" Like wow, Wynne is going through something huge right there. I love it. I have to continue playing the game to see what it ends up as, but it's fascinating and such a huge thing that she allows the Warden in on that.

Ah, Zevran, my beloved (he has stolen my heart so much it's not even funny anymore). He's funny, he's charming, he's so so loyal and it breaks my heart. Zevran is the one about whom I've read most meta: these three wonderful posts for instance, as well as this one about his possible lack of scars, and this one about his lack of freedom. All of these have influenced my opinion of him and they are great reads.

I have talked about Zevran with you before, so I'll just skip to the new stuff. I have come to conclusion that Zevran is an artist at heart. This is totally not biased by the fact that I also do art, but hear me out. One of his preferred gifts are bars of silver and gold. While those have the obvious utility of basically functioning as money (they can be sold to any silversmith or goldsmith and their value is pretty stable through time and in different countries), there's also this from his codex: "Zevran shows an affinity for the finer things in life—hardly surprising for an Antivan Crow—but his appreciation can be more poetic than he lets on. A simple bar of refined silver or gold, uncomplicated by a craftsman's hammer, is elegantly valuable." Tell me that is not an artist's eye that sees that gold and sees the beauty in it. Then, there's also the meta about Zevran the Seducer which I linked above and link here again. It talks specifically about how he lets himself enjoy the target and be seen in his enjoyment. Tell me that is not an artist's eye that beholds the beauty of something he is set out to destroy. Even his talk about his assassinations show this. He talks about it as an art, the way somebody would talk about the brutal intervention in stone that produces a sculpture. Yes, it's a rationalization of the act of killing and yes killing is still wrong. But he doesn't go on about it on a moral tangent the way Alistair or Wynne would (”this person was bad, killing them was necessary”) or even through the argument of survival like Morrigan would (”it was either them or me and it sure as Hell wasn't going to be me”). He talks about the pleasure of a job well done, of the satisfaction of striking the precise point and executing a plan to the perfection so as to minimize chances of discovery and to make a clean death possible. And pleasure in seeing and in doing, this I firmly believe, is absolutely fundamental for an artist.

My favourite part about my Warden and Zevran as a pairing is that Zevran precisely brings out that ability to take your pleasures as they come and to really savour them. Fighting the Blight is tough; it's so important to find good things amidst the chaos to stay sane. If Astala saves Zevran from himself by offering him a place to stay and a purpose, Zevran saves Astala from herself by keeping her from running herself into the ground trying to save the world.

There are some things I don't like about Zev. The incessant flirting, for example, sometimes makes me uncomfortable (it becomes enjoyable for me once the Warden and him are in a relationship, but before that? Nah, no thanks). I wish he would also leave the other female characters alone (and there's so many more shameless comments of his aimed at Morrigan, Leliana or Wynne than at Alistair or maybe even Sten).

---

And that's my take on the Origins companions (this was rather long. Whew ^^' I hope it was still readable and that you enjoyed it!!) Thank you so much for the ask!! It's been a joy thinking about this. I was worrying at first that the less prominent companions like Sten or Shale wouldn't get as much content but... well XD

[sslow-dancer]

A/N: In celebration of the Stone Ocean Confirmation this past Sunday, have you a sweet Jolyne one-shot 🦋💚

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“I Feel Comfortable With You Too.” (Jolyne Cujoh x Reader)

Warnings: brief mentions of suicide and homicide, rape and self-blame

tags: gender-neutral, gender-inclusive, jolyne cujoh x reader, slight angst, sfw, comfort

Description: You become cellmates with the new girl in Green Dolphin, Jolyne Cujoh. As one of you can’t fall asleep at night, you both decide to speak about your personal lives and further discuss your convictions.

(NOTE: Though prisons in the US are assigned to keep the sexes separated, this one-shot can easily be read by anyone who is not/does not identify as a woman.)

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“FE40332, you got a new roomie! Get along, alright?” one of the main guards says to you, he turns to murmur with the person next to him.

You’re quick to sit up when the guard opens your cell, both people now in full view. You meet eyes with a girl, a rather beautiful one around your age with green and black hair. You notice her choice of hairstyle, you smirk

“Nice hair.” you compliment. The girl shrugs off the guard as he closes the cell. She looks back at you, a spare change of clothes in her hands,

“Uh..thanks.” she replies shyly. She seemed nervous, though that didn’t bother you. You nod, getting up to shake her hand. She hesitates before shaking yours, you smile.

“Don’t worry. I’m no person to be scared of.”

“Yeah, I know. You give off the vibe that you’re nicer than the people I’ve already met...”

You laugh at this, telling her your name after. You ask for hers,

“Oh, right! I’m Jolyne. I’m usually one to say my name first but with the new setting.. I guess I forgot.”

“It’s alright, I totally get you. By the way,” you point at the top bunk “you don’t mind sleeping there, right? I’ve been bottom bunk for the last 2 years I’ve been here; I’m not one for top bunk, believe me, I’ve tried.”

She nods, placing her clothes on the top bunk. She takes off her shoes and climbs up to the top, sighing as she lays down. You furrow your eyebrows,

“You tired? Have you not had food or a drink yet?”

“Yeah no...I don’t really have an appetite at the moment. I just want to rest is all...”

“Understandable. I was the same when I arrived here..well, I’ll be reading for a bit. Let me know if you ever wanna talk, okay?”

Jolyne hums, closing her eyes. ‘They’re really sweet...’ Jolyne thinks, ‘They’re like a breath of fresh air...’

~ Time Skip ~

It’s past midnight now, 3:30AM to be exact. Though both you and Jolyne weren’t exactly aware due to no clock being in your presence. You sigh, as you go to fall asleep after reading a really interesting novel. Your attempt to fall asleep is then interrupted when you hear a quiet whisper from Jolyne,

“Hey uh.. you still awake?”

“Well I was about to sleep but yeah, I’m still awake. What, do you want to speak to me?”

Jolyne exhales sharply, nodding as she replies “yes...if you don’t mind though, you can sleep if you really want to.” You shake your head,

“Oh no no, it’s okay. I’ll listen, I like hearing others talk. You want me to come up there?”

“No it’s okay, I’ll meet you down there.” she quietly hops off her bunk, you sit up yawning as she places herself next to your bed. She sits on her knees, her hands fidgeting with your bedsheets. You turn your attention over to her attire. She only had a skirt and short top on. You blush as you tell her,

“You look really beautiful...”

It’s Jolyne’s turn to blush, she giggles softly, “I- thank you. Since it’s nighttime, I decided to change my outfit when you left to get a new book...”

“I see... so, what is it you wanted to talk about?” You ask curiously, she purses her lips sighing,

“Well ya know, nothing specific really. I just wanted to talk to you ‘cause you seem cool and have been really one of the only persons who hasn’t been an asshole to me.”

“Persons?” Is there more than one person in here that’s actually been nice to you besides me?”

“Yeah, a girl named Hermès. Though I haven’t seen her in a while sadly.. I’m guessing her cell is far from ours.”

You nod, grateful that she has met at least one other person that treats her with basic humane respect. You nudge at your mattress, enjoying the faint artificial lighting from outside your cell. Jolyne speaks up,

“If you don’t mind me asking...why are you in here anyway? Like I said earlier, you honestly don’t seem like someone who would be in a place like this.”

You shrug, “It’s alright. Though I will say, be careful about asking people what they’re in here for, some people can be huge asses about it. You’ll probably hear a guard in here say that it doesn’t really matter in a prison like this but trust me, you can never be too cautious.”

She nods, swallowing as she thinks she had made a mistake of asking. You frown,

“But don’t worry, you’d didn’t offend me. Since you trust me, I think I’m obligated to give that trust back. So, I’ll tell you.” You scoot closer to her, your faces inches away as you keep your voice lower than before,

“I killed a gang of men. A bunch of bastard rapists. I feel no guilt whatsoever. They hurt a close friend of mine-“ you hesitate, backing up from her whilst turning your gaze towards the wall, “-though in a way, I feel terrible because that friend of mine will never get closure...they committed suicide a bit after what happened to them. Not to mention, I threw away whole career opportunities and reputation just because my anger got the best of me... Oh and my parents? Though they say they’re not angry with me.. they’re definitely disappointed. It’s so obvious whenever they visit me, it’s clear guilt.”

Jolyne’s expression quickly saddens, her sympathy taking over as she offers to hold your hands, you frown as you accept it, holding hers tightly. Her eyes squint with sadness as she tells you,

“I’m so sorry you had to deal with that...I couldn’t imagine.”

“Like I said, it’s alright. I accepted my fate the moment I committed the crime and accepted it again when I got my hearing in court.”

She nods, looking down at both of your hands as she takes in your information. She gently lets go, resting her back against the wall next to your bunk. She exhales loudly, stretching her arms as a way to shake off the melancholy in the room. You look at her with curiosity,

“So now that I’ve told you my story...mind telling me yours?”

“Sure...yeah.”

Jolyne clears her throat, her eyes and body facing the cell door. She begins her story,

“So, basically... I’ve been in trouble before. I was in a motorcycle gang and had got arrested for theft when I was in my early teens but for what I’m in now...I had a boyfriend. He was pretty much the stereotypical delinquent who relied on daddy’s money and got whatever he wanted.” she snickers, “you could say I was in love with him... aside from my mom I let him call me “Jojo” as I never liked anyone else calling me that but he uh.. betrayed me. That’s a way to put it, I guess.”

She looks at you for a bit, you nod as a way for her to go on,

“After my dumbass tried to sneak in a kiss when he was driving us home after school, he lost control of the car and hit a pedestrian. Obviously I panicked and panned him to call the police but he wouldn’t..instead of helping a helpless person on the ground he instead went on and on about his reputation and career...” she shakes her head, “he manipulated me into hiding the body. He has this all planned out, he was ready to put me in prison so he could go on and live his best life. He fucking- framed me! I was so stupid...”

You shake your head, saddened by the fact that Jolyne still blames herself,

“No, you’re not. Don’t blame yourself for that. HE’s the stupid one. HE was the dick that did the crime; instead of owning up to it, he made you look like the bad guy. You weren’t, you were just his girlfriend that witnessed the whole thing!”

“Try saying that to the police...they would never believe me.”

“You know, I really wish I could. Stating your side of the story again could really help getting you out of here. I would suggest you ask for a new lawyer. I can even help you if ya want.”

Jolyne shifts in her seat, clicking her tongue as she picked at her fingernails. She began to think about your suggestion and shrugs when she thinks of answer,

“Thanks but it’s fine. I plan to solve all this on my own soon.”

You nod understanding, you didn’t want to annoy her by asking again. You knew after sharing a story like that no one would want to be bugged.

“Okay I’m not gonna ask again but if you do change your mind, just let me know and I’ll be happy to help.”

“Thank you, I appreciate that.”

You smile a small smile at her, she does the same. You look over and pat down on the empty spot next to you,

“Come on, sit.”

Jolyne doesn’t say no to this, she gets up and sits next to you, her legs immediately getting into criss cross position. She was happy being able to get close to you again, your aura was soothing to her. You face her direction,

“I hope this doesn’t come out weird but after our little talk... I’ve grown to be very comfortable with you.”

Jolyne blushes, your face becoming pink as well when you realize you were able to say that out loud. She looks down, a glimpse of her small smile appearing,

“Thanks. I feel comfortable with you too.”

You giggle as you hug Jolyne around the shoulders, she quickly hugs you back around the waist. You blush again when she buries her head further into your neck.

You were thankful that you were already beginning to get close with your new cell mate.

[saintobio]

Ai, you are so amazing! I’m sure you hear it and read it daily, but it’s very well deserved. Chapter 8 really broke us, so thank you for chapter 9. I need to reread it to make sure you actually posted this and I’m not imagining it. It’s really sad that y/n has to deal with the permanent result of her marital issues with Gojo, but I’m so glad she’s finally putting herself first. I wish there was a way to fix it because our girl has been through too much please. I’ll beg for her life on my knees. Take sera instead... but whatever I guess.

One thing I really want to see in the next chapter is our y/n ignoring gojo for Toji. I see Toji’s relationship with her to be more platonic than romantic. Plus, their meetings are usually about y/n’s designs and stuff. However, in the earlier chapter when Gojo slept with her, pushed her aside, and called her an attention seeker after Sera found out, it literally broke me. So, I was wondering if we can see another role reversal. Like you said that Gojo will be jealous in the next chapter. I really hope y/n will straight up ignore his presence, call him an attention seeker for being jealous, and even walk away from him with Toji’s arms around her waist to make him even more jealous. He’ll look like a pitiful husband the same way she looked when he tossed her aside to chase after his mistress. Maybe she won’t even come home for a few days and not contact him because she’s busy planning with Toji. It’ll remind him of the time he spent the weekend making up to sera for sleeping with his wife. But if we don’t see her do this because she’s such an angel, it’s fine. I’ll still pretend she does this at some point to make myself feel better.

I am also too curious now as to what you meant when you said, the ending will have us go “what the hell just happened?” Can we at least get a hint haha?

Will sera commit suicide, perhaps, from losing everything? Like Gojo will break up with her and make her lose their baby to save his marriage? I mean at this point he needs to leave her because she’s the root cause of their failed marriage? He should realize by now, especially after Sera left him when he brought up his mother, that she doesn’t truly love him. Maybe both y/n and his family also found out about the affair and the damage it’s done to her health, so they decide to ruin Sera’s life by taking away everything she’s worked for and gained from dating Gojo. Knowing Sera, she’ll most likely blame y/n again and refuse to admit her atrocious acts, thinking she is destined to be poor forever and just deciding to die. Maybe she’ll actually realize that she’d been too cruel to y/n and Gojo, so losing everything along with her unbearable guilt will lead her to commit. These are just wishful thinking, but any crumbs you leave is comforting at this point. I feel so mean and awful for thinking these things for sera, but after reading her point of view, i feel anything but empathy for her.

Anyways, we love you! Rest up and feed us the next chapter at your leisure because we look forward to it!

thank u babe, i’m sorry i can’t answer all your questions bc it’ll give away spoilers 🤗 but it’s nice to hear the theories you’ve made. they’re really very interesting to read, thank u for sending this in <33

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't�� do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

[moreidsdaughter]

broken (1)

spencer reid x reader

genre: angst!!

tw: depression, smoking, mentions of not eating, insomnia, suicidal ideation or thoughts.

word count: 1k

summary: in which the broken girl tells her story!

a/n: AHH! THIS IS MY FIRST SERIES AND IM SO EXCITED TO SHARE IT WITH YOU GUYS! also, thank you @geeky-son-dr-reid, @moss-honey-and-sage, and @haileyyturner for the fic beta

Sometimes I feel like a burden. As though I constantly nag people by being myself. It's sad, unfortunate; but it’s true. It’s something that weighs me down everyday, and I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I have attempted to talk about these things, in vain.  I have to  be this strong beam of light for many. I’m an FBI agent that works for the BAU. I go out and observe the psyche of criminals week after week. I know so much about the human brain, yet I can’t fix myself. I can’t fix my mess of a brain, it’s like a used machine; wiring in shambles, tangled, mangled, burnt out and used.

I hate times like these.

Depressive episodes not like TV episodes. A not-so-magical spell that could last days, weeks—months, even. I sit  on my bed all night, staring at the blank ceiling awaiting to feel something, anything at this point. My body feels heavy, like the weight of thousands of rocks pressing against the mattress. Then, after what feels like ages my alarm rings and then I know that it’s time to start my day. Work. The only thing that brings me anything near a spark of joy nowadays.

I get up and start my mindless, robotic routine. It doesn’t require much thought and I like that, but it feels so wrong. It feels wrong to feel nothing. It feels wrong to be numb. It feels wrong when your chest is light because of the lack of emotion. Wrong, but comforting. I get up, take a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, and head out the door, with only a cigarette for breakfast. Over and over again, day after day. It's like clockwork.

I used to smoke in high school, only to burn stress and look cool. After knowing the side effects and what it could lead to, I stopped. But, I no longer care enough to stop. Perhaps it’s just me being reckless; my life doesn’t mean much anyways.

I walk into the BAU, trying my best to look lively and not sluggish. I try not to look like the shell of a human that I’ve become; I don’t eat much or take care of myself when I don’t need to. I tend to swallow all the negative emotions that I have to be dealt with later. I don’t want to cry nor talk about these issues in front of my coworkers, my friends. I don’t want to burden them with my problems and I don’t want their pity. I don’t want this pity because there are bigger problems to deal with, we have people to save. I know that my problems don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Every “Are you okay?” is answered with a “Yes, I’m fine.” or a fake, but believable “I’m doing great!”

However, I’m not okay. I’m not fine or great and I haven’t been for a long time.

People ask that question everyday expecting a new response, but truly how is anyone going to have a different answer everyday? If they do, chances are they’re lying. Not that much changes day to day. Other people may not have the routine that I have, but what really changes day to day? The variables are the same. The people are the same, whether you have coworkers or children. Everything is the same, but with minimal changes. Minimal, meaningless changes. I rush to sit down at my desk, so the lightheadedness doesn’t take any further effect. Then, right when I think I have time to catch my breath, Hotch calls for us to meet in the conference room. I get up and walk, but stumble like an idiot. Way to make a fool of myself.‘Shit, they can’t think anything is wrong. I can’t ruin things like I normally do.’ I thought, rushing to the conference room, ready to hear about the new case.

-----

3rd POV now? Spencer looks across the room, seeing Y/n sitting down at her desk and staring at nothing. ‘It’s almost as if she had nothing going on inside, but at the same time it looked as if she were at war with herself.’ he ponders. Before he can  think any further, he hears Hotch’s call and leaves for the conference room. With his eyes still on Y/n, he gets up slowly but is startled when he sees Y/n stumble.

“What is going on with her?” he says quietly so she couldn’t hear him. The concern was evident in his soft whisper.

Y/n squabbles to stand up straight, it’s almost as if she is going to faint. His eyes are still on her, worrying about what’s to come next. He looks down, not wanting to believe what he was seeing. Y/n had been like this for a while and it seemed like no one noticed but him. Maybe she hadn’t been eating enough or sleeping, and when she comes into work the faint smell of cigarette smoke lingers in the air. And he knows it’s not his business, but he can’t help but be concerned; she just seems out of it. Nobody else sees it, so maybe he’s just imagining it. But he can’t be, she’s been like this for months and it seems to be getting worse. And when he looks up, she’s walking into the conference room as if she hadn’t just stumbled.

“Pretty boy, get in here,” Morgan says with a cheeky smile on his face as per usual.

“Yeah, yeah I will.. But is it just me or is there something wrong with Y/n?” Spencer says hesitantly.

“What are you talking about, pretty boy?” Morgan chuckles.

‘So it’s just me who sees that there’s something wrong?’ Before he has the time to finish his thought, he’s interrupted by Derek.

“Maybe, you just have a crush on her,” he says with a mischievous smile. “Does pretty boy need help getting a girl?”.

“No, I don’t need your help Derek. It was just a question, so stop,” Spencer says blushing. “Come on, they’re waiting for us,” Spencer tries to change the subject. He walks quickly to the conference room, rushing to listen to Hotch’s presentation on their new case.

-----

taglist: @criminalbaby @criminalmindsvibez @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto @temily @geeky-son-dr-reid

[other-cullen-ficrecs]

MLM!Cullen Fic Rec List

Inspired by this post. Here is my fic rec list of some of my favorite fics with queer Cullen. Happy Pride :)  🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍🌈

Cullen/Dorian

Only True in Fairy Tales by Dragonflies_and_Katydids

Summary:  In which Dorian is a special forces operative, Bull is his partner, and Cullen is the guy they're sent to rescue. Hijinks ensue. // Words: 110150

Modern AU. Dragonflies_and_Katydids makes me read the weirdest stuff. But their work is always captivating. The more ridiculous set up the better outcome, I promise. This one is both ridiculous and absolutely perfect. And somehow one of the very few modern au fics in which Cullen's lyrium addiction is well transfered without making it literal.

Fashionably Late by tsurai

For the tumblr prompt: Cullen/Dorian Soulmates AU? <3 "Maker’s breath, this is absolutely the worst timing, he thinks distantly." // Words: 1038

This is but a tiny thing but I'm a sucker for a soulmate AU. Would I love it more if it was 150,000 words? Yes. But I'm just greedy.

COLD HANDS, WARM HEART by spicyshimmy, stonelions

Summary: Cullen and Dorian's friendship deepens. Cullen is a romantic. Dorian is literally cold. Cullen is no longer certain what he would consider surprising. Mages and Templars working in perfect cooperation, perhaps. Evil and corruption disappearing into the ground along with the blight, blood magic falling so far out of favor it ceased to be. A united Thedas: that would be a surprise. // Words: 25369

I think this is most recced Cullrian fic and for a good reason. Slow burn, drama, all the delights. 

Light In This Darken'd Time Breaks by RamonaDecember

Summary: Cullen wouldn't say he hates mages, not anymore, but he can't see himself ever trusting one again. Dorian is no exception. The mage is off-color, self-important, and all together too much for Cullen to deal with. So why is it that every time Cullen is at his lowest, Dorian seems to be the only person by his side? // Words: 121289

Slow burn with 121289 words, what more do you want?

Cullen/Bull

Jump In by Dragonflies_and_Katydids

Summary: In which Cullen is almost terminally awkward, Bull and Dorian are literally brothers (because why not?), and Bull tries really hard to be good. Or: In which Dorian tries to set up his brother and his roommate, if he can avoid killing them for being so clueless. (You might get cavities from reading it. Don't say I didn't warn you.) // Words: 33700

What did I say about Dragonflies_and_Katydids and ridiculous premises? But if you're as delighted with awkward Cullen as am I - enjoy.

Dragons from Stars in an Empty Sky by Midna_Ronoa

Summary: The one in which Bull takes Cullen dragon-hunting. // Words: 10423

Fluff and smut and dragons!

Stuck on the Puzzle by thespectaclesofthor

Summary: Once, back in Kirkwall, Cullen had an arrangement with a member of the city guard that satisfied his needs. But time changed all things, and he despaired of ever finding a similar arrangement again - that was, until he met The Iron Bull. Problem being that Bull seemed to care far more about sorting out the nitty-gritty of such an arrangement than Cullen ever has. // Words: 235586

No fic rec lists that can involve Bullen canot do without Stuck on the Puzzle. If you haven't read it - please give it a try. As far as I'm concerned - the best fic in the fandom. And definately one of the best fics in general. <3

Cullen/Dorian/Bull

Exit Light by Dragonflies_and_Katydids

Summary: In which Cullen is suicidally depressed, Dorian is a high-functioning alcoholic, and Bull just wants them both to be happy, except when he wants to crack their heads together for being emotionally stunted idiots. // Words: 77427

This premise is actually very close to canon, compared to some other stories by the same author recced here. The angst? Delightful. The smut? Delicious. The exploration of issues? Delectable! Cheff kisses all around.

to burn cool and collected by toomanyhometowns

Summary: Dorian hums. "Here is the function of the spell: Upon invocationne, ye caster's spyryt shal sterte to ye form of whomsoever mofte recently achieved releafe by hys hande." He taps the page in punctuation and looks back up. "And then there's a lot of text about the vast joys we may experience together, et cetera, et cetera." // Words: 16121

Ok, this list shows more than anything that my main delight is issues and angst wrapped in with porn. Anyway - cracky premise (body swap!), and angsty, sexy outcome.

Hold by queeniegalore

Summary: Everyone knows Cullen doesn't trust magic. But he trusts Dorian and Bull, so maybe they can make this work. // Words: 6654

Issues? Trauma? Kink? I'm a one trick pony when it comes to recs.

Cullen/Cole

Okay now that we’ve gotten the obvious out, let’s enjoy the trully unexpected enjoyment.

Into The Light (Cole/Cullen Ficlets) by Sinister_Kid

Summary: A series of what I hope are tasteful Cole/Cullen fics that don't exploit or overly sexualize Cole's developing character. Based on a prompt I filled out of boredom in which I imagined the spirit actually hearing someone's pain like a physical noise in his ears that caused discomfort. Explores the option of making Cole more human, with my own original take on how that affects him as a character, and depicts Cole developing romantic feelings for the Commander as he discovers what it means to be human. // Words: 20454

I admit I don't often read Cole shippy fics but this one stays true to the info in the summary and it is careful and tasteful. Also Cullen learning to speak with Cole properly - <333

Cullen/Varric

Verse & Volley Triptych by boycoffin

Summary: POSSIBLE TITLES: This Shit Was Even Weirder: A Surprisingly Not-Doomed Romance In The Shadow of the Apocalypse The Commander and the Rogue already taken, Antivan maritime smut with an elf girl in it How The Hell I Ended Up With That Guy: A Tale for The People Who Keep Asking Me About It In Bars The Short and Curlies that's just terrible Love Among the tropey garbage A Tale of Two Names pretentious and unclear The Penman's Paramour Memoirs of a Moron (That He's Going to Regret Publishing and Will Never Hear The End Of for As Long As He Lives) // Words: 133354

One of the very few fics in which I can not only accept but love 1st person POV. Crack. Slow-burn. Pennames. Lovable OCs. DELICIOUS. Also a fic that made me start this blog, so love all around.

Cullen/Krem

Last but not least, my delightful fave (maybe, possibly, probably) and involving a shameless self-plug because it’s the month of pride.

Swordplay by orphan_account

Summary: The Bull's Chargers are undisciplined, untested, and unprofessional; but Cullen can't stop thinking about their lieutenant. // Words: 3910

I have a soft spot for whoever Krem being shipped with not knowing he's trans at first. But also oblivious, pining Cullen <3

If you have been starving, a creature of bone by missivesfromghosts

Summary: Cullen is content with where he is. He has a life and a purpose. He’s doing the Maker’s work and he’s cut the Chantry’s leash on him. He barely thinks about the fact that he’s trans anymore. The last person who knew he was born anything different, barring his sister Mia, died during the Blight. This works for him. That is, until he starts falling for Krem. // Words: 769

A tiny thing but I have a soft spot for the idea. Also what's better than a ship with trans character? A ship with two trans characters. Keep that in mind for further recs actually.

Sweet, Merciful Andraste by Tainaron

Summary: PWP. Honestly, Cullen should invest in walls and a ceiling that don't have holes if he's going to keep having such loud sex. Pure, unapologetic smut between trans men who love each other. // Words: 4187

¯\_(ツ)_/¯  What more do you want from me? Sometimes porn is just porn. Enjoy.

Champions of the Just by Tainaron

Summary: En route to Griffin Wing Keep before the battle of Adamant, Cullen falls prey to an injury that reveals a shameful secret about his trauma with magic. As Cullen struggles with his past, his duty to the Inquisition, and his love life, he becomes increasingly uncertain if he’s the target of an assassination attempt or just his own personal demons. // Words: 67885

Well, I also have some plottier and angstier fics in my rec disposal. This one actually explores the problems Krem and Cullen could encounter in their relationship and all within the canon plot line. Plus bonus points of Cullen actually interacting with other Chargers.

cabbage: a love story by psikeval

Summary: Krem’s grin fades into a quiet smirk, his eyes warm and amused, and Cullen does not forget how to move his legs because he is a grown man, a leader of soldiers, commander of the Inquisition’s army. He breaks the silence by coughing loudly, because he is also an imbecile. // Words: 18932

Creme de la creme of Krem/Cullen fics <3 Fluff, crack, porn <3 This delightful series has it all! 

[maddogofshimano]

The Woman Who Dyed a Black Stain to White

Major Y0 Spoiler Warning

Lee got a sugoroku event! Look at his chibi sprite!!! 

There’s several foreign names and groups mentioned in here that I don’t know the ideal romanization for, but I will try to at least be consistent on them.

This one is seriously heavy. I’m actually going to put a trigger warning on this: it’s about sex trafficked women, and Makoto’s backstory. There’s the start of an attempted sexual assault and a lot of dehumanizing language about the women who are being trafficked. Nothing is shown explicitly, but it’s rough. Additionally multiple people in the mafia commit suicide.

Summary: Lee is ordered to assassinate the boss of the Songyoung, a mysterious crime syndicate behind the disappearances of multiple women in Sotenbori. They operate in complete secrecy, and Lee finds himself facing a terrible choice between his orders and his morals.

<1986--two years before a man's corpse would be found in Kamurocho's empty lot--Iwao Bridge, Sotenbori>  Makoto: Excuse me, I'm looking for my brother. Have you seen the man in this picture?

Man: No, don't know him at all. Sorry... Makoto: Excuse me, have you seen the person in this picture?

Woman: I don't know him, sorry... Oda: That woman... she's not bad... I think I'll have a little talk with her...

Oda: Pardon me miss. You're looking for your brother? I've got an idea of where he might be...

Makoto: Really!? Please, take me there right away! Oda: Of course. If you wouldn't mind coming with me then...

<One Year Later--Sotenbori Hogushi Kaikan>

Voice on the TV: The case of the repeated disappearances of women in Sotenbori clearly seems to be--

Lee: Young women bein' targeted for abduction... Must be the Omi Alliance, or maybe some foreign group... Lee: The police are stayin' awful quiet on it though. Hard to feel good about all the movement that's happenin' around it... <phone rings> Lee: Ah, the phone... Lee: Hogushi Kaikan speaking. What treatment may I help you with? Voice on the phone: I have a job for you, Lee Wen Hai Lee: Well, sounds like ya aren't after a massage, are ya... Wong, who'd'ya need taken care of this time? Wong: That's cruel, Lee. Do you know the Korean mafia faction, the Songyoung? Lee: Aah, I've been hearin' some things about them. I was gettin' a real bad vibe off of that group... Wong: We haven't been able to pin them down effectively because they don't do anything themselves, they use hired thugs for all the dirty work... Wong: It sounds like they outsource their income streams. That's how they keep everything a secret. Lee: So you're tellin' me this for a reason... right? The Songyoung are my next target? Wong: Mhm, that's right. Wong: These days their thugs are rampaging all over our organization's territory... Wong: If they keep making waves like this, they're bound to bring the Omi down on our heads. Wong: The current pressure the Omi is putting on us is more than enough, and they'll only use this as an excuse to squeeze harder. Lee: Is the big bad mainland mafia's Kotou and the Omi that scared? (Tl note: this gets clarified way later, but Kotou (虎頭) is the Chinese mafia group Lee works for) Wong: Don't tease... Sotenbori is the Omi Alliance's most treasured territory... Wong: There's no advantage to putting the Omi in a bad mood or inflicting damage. But, how much do you even understand that? Wong: Anyways, the more the Songyoung keep rampaging, the more foreign organizations like our Kotou will suffer. Wong: Your assignment is to assassinate the boss of the Songyoung. I'm sure you know the usual payment from Kotou... Wong: For this one, it'll be double. Lee: Well ain't that generous... So what's the catch? Wong: Like I said, the Songyoung is a thoroughly secretive organization. Wong: Naturally, their bosses current whereabouts are unknown, as are the group's hideouts... Lee: So I gotta figure out where the guy even is... Wong: So? Will you take on the assignment? Lee: Well of course. I'll take it. You can transfer the payment to the usual account. Wong: Understood. When I get it, I'll fax you a picture of the boss of the Songyoung. Use it for verification. Wong: Well then, I'll leave you to it. Don't forget to keep in contact, okay? Lee: I'll remember... See ya later then? <Hangs up the phone> Lee: Well then, first things first is collectin' information on the Songyoung... <Prologue End> <A few days later--Shofuku Street, Sotenbori> Lee: After all this time pokin' around I still haven't gotten any info on the Songwong...

Lee: I thought Wong was just cuttin' corners, but even that pro I listened to didn't know shit... Lee: Information fees have gotten jacked up with the current economic boom, and it's hard to rely on anything they say... Lee: This place then. Today I'll pay it a visit... <Lee enters the mahjong parlor> Lee: Let's see, where is that guy... Oh, there he is....

Lee: Hey, been a while... how's things treatin' ya?

Information Broker: Well, if it isn't God Hand-sama himself... Broker: It'd been so long since I heard from ya that lately I'd been thinkin' about closin' up shop and pickin' up massage instead. Lee: Shut it, smartass! All you've been doin' lately is sittin' on your ass playin' mahjong... Lee: ...But, I'll let it slide. I'm here to get some info from ya. Lee: Tell me everythin' ya know about the Songyoung... Broker: ....And if that information isn't cheap? Lee: How much? Broker: Give me... 100k upfront, and we'll see how much it'll cost. Lee: Tch... Ya better watch yourself after this... Here, take your cash! <a wad of bills thumps onto the table> Broker: Of course. So, what do you want to know about the Songyoung? Lee: Their main hideout, and where their boss is at right now. For that information I'll pay as much as ya need. Broker: That's some real problematic info, ya know. These guys are hardcore on their secrecy... Lee: Seriously, I paid out the ass upfront already... So what, ya don't have that info? Broker: I do have a list of their lower rungs... Broker: If ya wanna find the main group, you'll have to squeeze it out of the branches... Lee: Sure, hand over that info then. Broker: You sure? It's gonna be another 100k. Lee: Jeez... Here. We good now? <another wad of bills hits the table> Broker: Thank you for your patronage... Alright, here's the list. Lee: ....This, you're sure there's not some sort of mistake? Broker: I absolutely guarantee it. Welllllll some of them might have cut ties with the main group already I suppose... Broker: The lower rungs are nothin' but nasty, muscle-headed imbeciles, though with your strength it won't be a problem... Lee: Heh.... I can't understand why this information is goin' for only 100k.

Broker: Ha... Findin’ a buyer for that kind of thing ain't easy. Broker: If you're makin' a move on these guys... Well, there's not gonna be a point to holdin' on to that information afterwards, right? Lee: ...That's pretty smart of ya. I'm off then, I'll be back later. Lee: Well, time to get goin' through this list with a fine toothed comb. <Lee goes to the park> Lee: Every one of these organizations is tied to the Songyoung somehow, but I just don't know what's connectin' them...

Lee: Do I really gotta go trompin' through this whole list and hope I stumble onto where the boss is at? Goon A: Hehe... Hey, let's go do some damage today!!

Goon B: It's great havin' the backin' of a big, influential group like that... Looks like our luck is finally turnin' around!! Lee: Well there's some assholes... I wonder what kinda info they might have... <Lee kicks the shit out of them. Like I don't even do the fight it just fades to black and Lee takes care of it himself> Goon A: Hhhh... Please forgive us.... The Songyoung already cut us off! So please don't kill us!!

Lee: Ya better not tell me you've cut ties again, okay? Just tell me all the info ya got on the Songyoung. Goon A: I-I really don't know anythin'! The contact we had, we never even saw their face. Lee: Seriously you guys... This is the tenth time. These Songyoung are damn serious about this secrecy crap, huh... Lee: These bastards don't have any information neither... Goon B: Th-That's true, but it is possible... Lee: What? Ya got an idea or somethin'? Goon B: There’s some guys that have turf near Iwao Bridge, they do way worse dealings than we do, I think... Lee: Worse dealings? Goon B: Yeah, they abduct young women that've just come to Sotenbori, and the Songyoung takes em for a shit ton of cash. Lee: Wait, wait, you mean... That's what's causin' the "vanishing women case" right now!?

Goon B: Yeah... That's right... It's all just rumors, but they go after runaway girls to kidnap... Lee: Then that means, this "disappearance case", it's all the Songyoung's doing... Lee: Now that's the kind of details I want to hear!! Goon B: Y-Yes sir!! Though, there is one other thing you should know... Goon B: In the past there was a real famous gang that was doin' this kind of job, but that gang left Sotenbori just when they were about to take over... Goon B: The organization that's currently makin' bank off of abducting women is called... Well, it's gotta be "Ganryujima". (Tl note: Ganryujima is the island famous for the duel between Miyamoto Musashi and Sasaki Kojiro. Also of note the first kanji in ganryujima is the same as the first kanji in Iwao Bridge) Goon B: That's the full extent of what I know... Lee: So near Iwao Bridge there's turf belonging to "Ganryujima"? That group's also on the list.... Seems like I got plenty to go on. Lee: In light of this info ya gave me, I'll let ya go. Hopefully this'll've been a learnin' experience for ya, and ya won't got gettin' involved with any more groups like that. Goons: Y-Yes sir!! Thank you very much!! Lee: Iwao Bridge is right up there.... I was gonna ask the Garyujima about the Songwong but... this feelin'...

Lee: This ain't just another punk, is it... someone else in the same profession? Lee: Hey, I know you're there. Come on out. If you're gonna tail someone, put a lil more effort in on stayin' hidden... Menacing Man: Are you the one who's been crushing all of our lower rungs? No hard feelings, but I'm going to kill you here...

Lee: As if I'd fall so far as to get killed by some third rate hitman who can't even hide himself properly... Lee: Though, ya did save me the trouble by showin' up. It was gonna be a pain in the ass to get the info I was after on your kinda organization. Lee: I'm just gonna beat every last drop of info about your group out of ya!! Menacing Man: Heh.... Come at me then!! You're going to regret messing with the Songyoung!! <the fight happens for real this time, fittingly Misery Comes On Beat plays and Lee clobbers them> Menacing Man: G-Guh........ Lee: Alright, you know what I want, ready to spill it on the Songyoung? Menacing Man: Heh.... You think I'm going to talk? Lee: Oh, so you've decided I gotta make you talk then... Menacing Man: The organization's secrets are absolute... Letting that kind of things slip, it's just not something I can do... <stabbing sounds> Lee: You! What the hell did you do!! Menacing Man: Guhh..... fool!? Lee: What idiots... All of them went and slit their own throats... Lee: All that to protect their organization's secrets... Finding their boss's location is gonna be a real pain in the ass.

<end part 1> Lee: You bastards are Ganryujima boys, ain't ya?

Goon: Who the hell are you? You got a problem if we're Ganryujima? Lee: Nope, my problem is with all the women you've been ordered to kidnap for the Songyoung. Goon: You... where the hell did ya hear that? Lee: Ya think I'm gonna say? Goon: Heh..... 's all good. If ya knew any better, ya would have gone home to keep on livin'... Goon: Oi, everyone!! Let's end this geezer!! Lee: Sure are a lotta hotblooded assholes... Ah well. I'll just have to convince ya to talk. <once again, Lee crushes them without me even doing the fight> Goon: Haa... Haa... Wh-What the hell's with this old man...

Lee: From now on, be selective when you pick fights. If you pick the wrong opponent on this street, are you ready to lose your life? <metallic noise of something being drawn, presumably a knife or the acupuncture needle, it's unclear> Goon: A-Aahh!? P-Please don't kill me!! Lee: Are ya ready to tell me about the Songyoung then? What's the guy look like that you're handin' these girls over to? Goon: Sorry... we just leave the women we kidnapped in a pre-designated abandoned house on a regular basis, I never seen anyone... Goon: The money just gets wired into our account... I really don't know the guy's face at all... Lee: ....Tch, you fuckers are another dead end. Goon: I-I'm sorry I'm so worthless!! But please, my life... Lee: Fine, whatever.... Actually, one thing! Goon: Wh-What!? Lee: In exchange for me lookin' the other way on this, I'm givin' ya a job to do. Goon: A-A job... What'd'ya want us to do? Lee: It's easy. I'm gonna bring ya a girl, and you're gonna sell her to those guys... can ya do that? (Tl note: misread this at first as "I'm gonna be the next girl ya sell to those guys" and was pogging) Goon: Y-Yeah. I think we should be able to do that... Lee: Good, then I'll be back when I've finished some preparations. <Lee goes to a bar to speak with an anime girl because there is exactly one base sprite for all women> Lee: Yo, it's been a while. You haven't changed a day...

Lee: Makes sense, given nobody knows the number of guys you've swindled out of their cash then bumped off... Woman: .....You know, Lee. Isn't it a bit cruel to call someone out to meet you and then speak about them like that? Lee: Sorry, sorry, I thought I was payin' a compliment to your heinous modus operandi, it's very skillful.

Woman: Sigh~... so what is it? Why'd you call me over so suddenly? I came because I owe you one, but I'm not here on a leisure trip. Lee: I was hopin' to get us squared away. Think ya can handle one bothersome task for me? Woman: Bothersome? Lee: Yeah, I'm trying to get a hold of information on this organization... Stuff like where there hideout is, but since no one's talkin' I'd like to borrow your power. Woman: ....And what do you want me to do? Lee: I want ya to pose as a runaway and sneak into this place as one of the girls gettin' traffic'd. Lee: I've gotten a hold of the sales route they're usin'... Lee: You'll get bought wearin' a tracking device and a hidden mic, and that'll let us infiltrate the hideout. Woman: This is going to be dangerous, isn't it? I know I owe you, but is that enough to risk my life over? Lee: When you're a professional killer, isn't there always a risk of death, that someone will turn the tables on ya? Well, as soon as I know where the place is I'll go and help ya. I'll protect this body you've altered... What d'ya think, will ya help? Woman: ....Ha, I guess so. After this, we're even, right? Lee: Yeah, of course. Honestly I'll feel indebted to ya! <Lee goes back outside> Lee: Right now, you're in the abandoned building in West Shokufukucho. Great, the transmitter just moved into the kitchen...

<radio static> Lee: I can hear her voice through the bug. Sensitivity is good... Lee: Now then... After that woman gets taken to the main hideout, everything will go flawlessly. <footsteps> Voice over the mic: "This is the collection team. The cargo of women has been confirmed. We'll be returning to HQ shortly, via our transport." Lee: They're speakin' korean... "Recover the woman and take her to headquarters".... huh.... Lee: Seems like it's going well. I hope it keeps up.... Voice: "Be careful not to be seen on the way back! Hurry up and return to HQ!!" Lee: They're not aware of the bug or the tracking device... <Lee gets into a car> Lee: And now I just follow em right to their hideout. <He gets out after a drive> Lee: Looks like the transmitter stopped in this building...

<radio static> Voice: "The shipment of women has arrived. Where's the boss at?" Voice: "Right now the boss is inspecting the warehouse..." Voice: "Aah, that place is crammed full of women isn't it... So, will you deliver this woman there too?" Voice: "Nah, no need to do extra work. We'll just put her in the usual room until the boss gets back..." Voice: "Roger on that!" <radio static> Lee: So this is the main hideout then. However, the boss ain't here... Lee: Ah well, I'm bound to hear where he is sooner or later. ...Ah, afterwards though, I did promise to help that woman out. <Lee kicks in the door> Songyoung goon: "Wh-What are you doing!?"

Lee: "My bad, but I was hoping to retrieve a woman I left here?"

Goon: "W-Woman!? Who do you think you are!? Do you have a death wish!?" Lee: "How about you tell me the location of the warehouse you've got the other women in?" Goon: "Wh-What!? Did you plant a bug on that woman!? Shit!! Everyone! Don't let this man leave here alive!!" Goon: "For the sake of protecting our organization, this man must die!! Kill him and sink his body in the harbor!! Let's go!!" <Lee crushes them and two of the three hit the floor> Goon: "That man... so strong..." Lee: "Well, the place where you've got all those women locked up, ya better tell me where it is.." Goon: "Heh... you really think it's going to be that simple?" <gunshots> Lee: Shit... Shot himself right in the head... Lee: The other two drank poison to kill themselves too. What a commitment to secrecy... It's sickening.... Lee: And even still, I just gotta investigate this place and I'll figure out where that warehouse is. Whoops, gotta help that woman first... <back outside> Woman: Seriously... I'm sorry for this again, alright? (Tl note: extremely in the weeds here, I don't really know what she's talking about)

Lee: Heh.... Searching the house would have been rotten without your help. Woman: I'll send a bill for that information later! Lee: And I'll send ya a whole mountain of gold as payment! Woman: Haa~... That's what I like to hear.... Well then, don't you go and die until you pay me, okay? <She leaves> Lee: Hmm, I need to keep in contact with Wong.... Was there a payphone around here? <He goes to a payphone and dials Wong>

Wong: ...Lee? Lee: Yep, just keepin' in touch. I found the group's hideout. Wong: Oh, good work... Several of their members are dead there. They won't be able to use it. Wong: So? Have you brought down their boss? Lee: No. He wasn't at the hideout... Lee: But, I do know where he is. The warehouse with all the imprisoned women. Wong: Heh... Going to sample the wares? Always was a nympho... Wong: Regardless you've done well. You should head over to the warehouse right away.... Lee: ....? Got it. Once I deal with the boss, is it okay if I release the women? Wong: No, all the captive women should be erased. It would be problematic if this income stream got leaked to the police. Lee: What....!? <end of part 2>

Lee: I'm not gonna kill kidnapped women who have done nothin' wrong! Don't be ridiculous!! Lee: Is that the kind of orders the top mafia Kotou is handin' out!? Wong: Calm down, Lee. This was a decision by the organization. Lee: These women were kidnapped by punks with more lust for gold than humanity and are getting preyed upon by the main branch with their wicked intentions. Lee: And after all that shit, I ain't gonna just go in and kill them!! Wong: If the police find out about this source of income from the Songyoung, the crackdown in Sotenbori is going to be very strict... Wong: If that happens, it will be harder for us to operate in a lot of ways... So these women continuing to exist is problematic. Wong: You do understand what will happen if you go against direct orders from the group, don't you? Lee: (Have they really made up their mind on killing these women? Even though these women, they haven't done anything wrong, they're the victims?) Lee: (But if I go against orders, I'll be the one killed... Either the lives of those women, or my own, I have to choose.) Wong: There's high expectations on you for completing this job. Are you going to betray everyone? Lee: (If I try to run, I won't be able to catch the boss. If I want to bring him down... There's no time to hesitate...) Lee: (That's how I have to think. I'm a pro. An assassin. And... up till now, I've devoted myself fully to this path, just as expected.) Lee: ...I understand. I'll take the lives of those women. That is part of my job... Wong: Is that so... Well then, I'll be waiting to hear good news. <hangs up phone and goes back to the Songyoung hideout> Lee: Shit.... That asshole, handin' out such a sickening order. Lee: Fine!! I'll sink the corpse of that boss, all those women, and anyone else into the damn harbor!! Lee: I'm already black hearted, and this time I'll be stained as black as can be... Lee: With this blood on my hands, I'll just get em even dirtier with more and more. <Lee goes to the warehouse> Lee: This is where the main branch's hideout said the warehouse should be, so the boss and the kidnapped women should be inside...

Lee: (Looks like they got two guys keepin' watch... The entrance to this place is well defended... It's gonna be tough takin' out the boss and those women by myself...)

<stabbing noises>

Goon A: Gah!? Goon B: Guhh!? <they hit the floor> Lee: ...There's probably more guys keepin' watch. I'll have to be careful killin' the boss and women... <Lee moves into the warehouse> Lee: Since there's a guard over there, there's no mistake that this is the main group's warehouse...

Lee: The real question is, where is the boss... Hm? That's... <A man walks by with a woman> Lee: Just now, that guy that brought a woman into that room... There's no doubt about it, that's the guy from the photo Wong sent... Lee: When I go into that room... Lee: I'll lose my chance to run. I'll commit myself to seein' this job through and stainin' myself pitch black. <Lee heads in> Young Woman: Stop it... d-don't come any closer... someone!!

Songyoung Boss: Heh, no matter how much you scream, no one is coming to help you... Lee: Mind if I step in and have some fun?

Boss: Who the fuck are you!? ...Are you an assassin sent by Wong?

Boss: He never gets his own hands dirty with jobs like this... Lee: You figured it out quick. No hard feelings, but I'm going to kill you now. (Tl note: same line that the Songyoung assassin used against Lee) Boss: You're a moron. I'm not going to be killed by some wannabe assassin. I'll kill you first!! Boss: Let's go, assassin!! I'm going to send your stinking corpse to Wong!! <fight, Lee wrecks shop> Lee: Say your prayers... <Stabbing noise> Boss: Guah!? <he hits the floor> Lee: That handles my primary goal... Now I have to... Lee: (Now I have to deal with the women... First I should have her guide me to where they're all being imprisoned...) Lee: Were you bein’ held captive in here?

Woman: Yes!! Please, please help!! There's a lot of others that are being held captive here besides me!! Lee: ...Got it. Could ya bring me to the room they're all in? Woman: Yes! This way!! <they go> Woman: Just ahead is the room we were all held in! We had given up all hope on being rescued, everyone will be so happy!!

Lee: Sorry for the trouble, Miss Guide... Lee: (She looks delighted... Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be killin' someone lookin' like that...) Lee: (... If my daughter were still alive, she'd be just about the same age as this woman.....) Lee: (This blameless woman that I'm going to sink into the sea... This really is the most depraved job...) Lee: (It would be troublesome if she started screamin' here... Guess I'll take care of her after I handle all the other women...) Lee: ...Ah, that's right! I got a request for ya, miss... Woman: Yes! What do you need? Lee: There's still a lot of thugs around outside... Could ya make sure no one leaves till I confirm it's safe? Lee: Would ya go and close off the entrance and the exit to the warehouse? Woman: Y-Yeah! On it!! <she leaves> Lee: Miss, forgive me... I ain't really here to save ya... <Lee goes into the inner room> Woman A: A-Again... Who's coming in here now?

Woman B: That's not it! The door is still open!! Woman B: R-Run for it! We're finally free from this nightmare!! <the women flee> Lee: (With the door open like that... It's natural that they'd all run off in a panic...) Lee: (All these run away girls, now about to get killed, they really are the unluckiest women in the world.......) Lee: (But if I don't kill them, the organization's gonna kill me... This really is the most abysmal job...) Lee: (I can't save even a single one of them... It's a weight I'll have to bear for the rest of my life, no matter what excuses I try to make.) <knife drawing sound> Lee: Hm? That woman, what is she... Lee: ...Why didn't she run? That's weird... Is she hurt?

Lee: Hey, are you alright....?

Lee: (She's feelin' her way around... This girl, is she blind?) Makoto: A-Are you the one who's helping everyone? Lee: N-No... I'm... <music cuts out> Makoto: Thank you so much... Thank you..... Thank you so very much... thank you....

Lee's daughter: "Hey, dad... are you there...?"

Lee: "Yes, I'm right here!! I'm here!! You're gonna be okay, the doctor's on his way!! Just stay with me!!" Lee's daughter: "....Dad, even with this frail life of mine... thank you so much for raising me..." Lee: "Nonsense! Sayin' stuff like that, raisin' you was only natural!!" Lee's daughter: "Thank you for everything, dad... I love you..." Lee: (Ah... She also, said the same thing......)

Lee: (......) Lee: (No way.... There's no way... I could kill her......)

<end of part 3>

Lee: (For the time bein' that girl's gone to sleep in that room. Everythin' is still chaotic though...) (Tl note: the word Lee is using for girl here is 娘 which is the same one used for daughter) Lee: (Helpin' that girl means disobeyin' Wong's--no, Kotou's orders...) Lee: (If I'm already goin' against my orders... I might as well save every woman in this damn place!!) Lee: (But what am I gonna do? If I don't kill the women, then Wong's just gonna send another hitman after 'em.) Lee: (If I want these women to live, my only options are gettin' Wong to let them go, or if Kotou was totally annihilated.) Lee: Damn it... There's no way Wong would look the other way on this, so my only option is to wipe out Kotou myself... Lee: Of course, I gotta figure out how to even do that... Lee: I'm gamblin' on a long shot. At least I'm gonna save as many women as I possibly can!! Lee: Alright, then I need to get the women out of here before Wong catches onto what I'm up to... Woman: Kyaaaaaa!! Lee: What!? That voice, did someone get into the warehouse!? <two women are facing a menacing man> Man: ...So you women didn't get killed? I see, I see...

Woman: W-Who are you!? Oh no, are you one of the people that locked us all up in here!? Man: No, I'm not a part of the group that did that. (Tl note: He's speaking very politely, it's kind of unsettling) Man: That being said, I do have a job to do here, so... No hard feelings, but I'm going to kill you now. (Tl note: the third instance of this line, I guess hitmen are very fond of it) Woman 2: You're going to... Why would you kill us!! Man: It's nothing you've done personally... however there are people who would be very inconvenienced if your confinement was ever known about... Man: Well then, let's start off with you... If you're going to hold a grudge, please hold it against your own bad luck... Woman 2: W-Wait... don't kill me.... Lee: Hold it, jack ass!! Lee: Ladies... stay back...

Women: S-Sure... Man: Hmmm... you're the one Wong sent to kill the Songwong boss, aren't you? Lee: What about it? I already took care of that boss a while ago now... Man: Is that so... Thank you for a job well done. ....Though, I have to ask, why are these women still alive? Man: Surely you were ordered to eliminate the women as well? Woman 2: Eh!? Lee: All these women did nothin' wrong... killin' them is completely unnecessary. Man: So you intend to turn against Wong? Lee: .....Yeah, I do. Man: Ah ha ha! I see, I see... You know, Wong-san seemed worried this was the path you'd take. Lee: ...Who are you? Man: I'm the contingency plan Wong-san prepared to handle this if you couldn't bring yourself to kill these women. Man: My orders from Wong-san were to come here and kill any woman left alive. Lee: Hah... Awful conniving of Wong to pull somethin' like this... Too bad that I decided that all these women are gonna live!!

Man: So that's how it is... what a shame. Well, you've made your decision to die here with these women. Man: But that's good! A killer like you will die alongside all these young ladies!! <they fight, Lee tears him up> Man: I'm finished... You're a skilled hitman... Lee: Your arm can probably be saved... Man: But... Wong-san will never forgive you for going against the organization like this... You'll be killed, won't you? Lee: Seems that way... But I'm gonna fight it all the way to the end... Man: I see... In that case, I wish you good luck... <man collapses to the floor> Lee: Hoooo~.... I need to make sure all the ladies are still alright... Lee: I'm gonna wipe all traces of you being enslaved from the records here and in the Songwong hideout... Lee: That should throw em off all your trails... Woman 2: Eh? D-Does that mean... you're helping all of us? Lee: Yeah, that's right... Lee: It'll be best if all of you forget about everythin' that happened here and go back to your old lives... Lee: After that leave everythin' else to this geezer!! Woman 2: Th-Thank you so much!! Woman 1: But, are you going to be alright? That person said that you would be killed too... Lee: The fate of a killer who goes against his organization is set in stone. But, I don't intend to be easy to kill... Lee: If it means savin' all of you, payin' with the life of a killer like me is a hell of a bargain, right?  Woman 1: But that's... isn't there something you can do? You could run away with us... Lee: I've got to go smash up my employer... I got a lotta obligations in front of me... Lee: If I run away, other people are gonna end up payin' for it. Woman 1: But... Lee: It's fine... Don't you go worryin' about me none. Lee: Though, sorry to keep askin' things of ya miss, but could I ask one more favor of ya? Woman 1: What is it? I'll do whatever I can!! Lee: In the room ya were locked up in, there's a lady that can't see waitin' there... Lee: As much as ya can, could ya take care of that kid and keep her out of trouble? Woman 1: I-I should be okay... I'll do as much as I'm able-- Lee: Yeah!! Seriously, I'm grateful! Lee: I know it's a lot to ask of ya miss, sorry. Woman 1: No, this doesn't even begin to pay back how much you've helped us... Lee: Alright, you stay healthy miss... <Lee leaves> Woman 1: Ah!? That's right, there's a mafia called "Kotou", please stay safe from them!! Lee: W-Wait a minute!! Miss, what did you say just now!? Woman 1: Umm... To please watch out for a mafia called "Kotou"... Lee: You said "Kotou"... miss, where did you hear that name!? (Tl note: I had been reading it wildly wrong as “Toragashira” until now and had to go back and correct every instance of it. When she says it it’s in katakana, but Lee had been saying it in kanji, so I was just guessing on pronunciation) Woman 1: Earlier, while we were still imprisoned, I heard it from one of the people here... Woman 1: "My group "Kotou" is a Chinese mafia. You can rely on us for backup if you encounter any trouble" is what they said... Lee: H-Hold on... But wouldn't that mean... Kotou and the Songyoung are workin' together...!? Lee: What the hell, what the hell is goin' on....!?

<end part 4>

Lee: You're sure they said "Kotou"?

Woman 1: Y-Yeah... That's definitely what they said. Lee: Seriously.... hm? Wait... Thinkin' back on it... Wong did say somethin' strange... Lee: (Back when I first found out the boss was in the warehouse....) Lee: ("Heh... Planning on sampling the wares? ...Always was a nympo...") (Tl note: I had to go back and edit the earlier instance of this to be more vague like this, I confused on who it was directed at but I was looking at it as between Lee or Wong and couldn't see how it would make sense to be self directed since Wong wasn't going to the warehouse. Lee seemed confused by it too, so the vagueness seems intentional, but I’m very glad it wasn’t actually directed at Lee like I initially thought) Lee: (It's like he knew the Songyoung Boss before this...) Lee: If that's true, then that means the same goes for the Songyoung boss! Lee: (In that room where I took him out, he said to me "He never gets his own hands dirty with jobs like this")  Lee: (So that means he also knew Wong before all of this...) Lee: It's possible... but what does it all mean? Woman 1: ...Um, is there something I can help with? Lee: Aah! Thank to you miss, I might have figured out a way to avoid dyin'. Woman 1: Really!? Lee: I do have one job to take care of first though. Lee: When ya get out of here and forget all this to get back to your life... I want ya to forget me too... okay? Lee: Oh, and avoid dealin with strange men, okay? Woman 1: Yes sir! Thank you again!! <she leaves> Lee: If I believe her story, then the Songyoung and Wong are connected... Lee: If that's the case, there might be evidence of that here and in the Songyoung hideout... Lee: If I can find it, I might be able to use that to keep Wong silent on this whole thing. Lee: First things first, better start searchin' the warehouse... Lee: Haa~...... I can't find anythin'.... Well, findin' somethin' like that was never going to be easy. Lee: Next is the room where all the women were confined...

<rustling noise> Lee: Hm? Hold on... this is it!! <screen fades to black> Wong: Lee... You just keep betraying my faith in you...

Lee: Ha, you're soundin' awful full of yourself... Wong. Lee: You'd probably tell me I was wipin' my own ass wrong... Lee: Aren't you betrayin' our organization too? I don't think you're in any position to talk about my betrayal. Wong: Lee, you piece of shit...... Lee: Heh... Of course, since you and the Songyoung are in bed together... Lee: Didn’t you let them make money trafficking these women so you could have a little slush fund? Lee: It's all written in this set of orders ya fax'd em anyways... Wong: Are you an idiot!? Get rid of that like you were ordered to!!

Lee: You stopped trustin' the Songyoung boss, right? Lee: Nothin' will poison a relationship faster than cash, it's a common story in this line of work. Lee: Seems like for the most part the Songyoung hated the tight leash you had them on and decided to betray you and be more bold about things, yeah? Lee: Then, when the disappearance of women started to become public knowledge, it lit a fire under your ass to hurry up and stamp out this whole operation... Wong: ........... Lee: That's why ya sent me to find the Songyoung hideout that had moved and you had lost contact with... Lee: With myself on the job, it'd be easy for ya to nonchalantly show up and snag the evidence of your betrayal... Lee: And if I failed you had prepared a contingency to get the job done... then ya'd be able to muzzle the aforementioned organization. Have I got that right? Wong: ........... Lee: Hah... Seems like that's a bulls-eye... Lee: If ya don't want this fax bein' sent off to Kotou, I got a condition for ya to accept... Well, Wong? Wong: ....Heh, pffhahaha... you really are a dumb fuck... Lee: What!? The hell's so funny!! Wong: If you had turned over that evidence right away, you might have been fine... Wong: But you're hopelessly stupid if you think you can negotiate with me face to face and I won't just kill you here and now. Wong: If I erase you and the evidence right here, I won't get caught for my betrayal!! Lee: Hmm... So you... are turnin' down my condition? Wong: Of course I am!! I'm going to kill you!! That's why I brought my best men with me!! Wong: Lee, my blood ran cold when you told me you had found evidence of my betrayal... Wong: So I must thank you for being such a dumbass!! Wong: Rest assured, Lee! After I'm done killing you, all those women you saved will be killed too!! Wong: Go to hell alongside the women you risked your life to protect!! Let's do it!! Your certain death!! <they fight, Lee crushes them> Wong: Stupid... even my best men...?

Lee: Heh, bad luck for you Wong. I've been survived more lethal battles than you can count... Lee: Well, that's all been with your help...

Lee: So, are ya ready? This is the endin' you asked for..... Lee: .........You know, it didn't have to end like this if you had just put up with my one demand. Wong: W-Wait!! I'll do it!! Your life, those women's lives, I'll look past it all!! So please... Lee: ....What you're sayin', you really mean it? Wong: Yes! Of course!! I'll talk to the organization myself about the women...

Lee: ......I've owed ya a lot. So if ya say that--

Wong: You truly are the stupidest mother fucker on earth!! <gun cocks>

Lee: Guh! Wong, you bastard!? <Stabbing sound> Wong: Guah--... Leeee.... you.... fucker!!

Lee: Idiot... Why'd ya make me do that, Wong.... <Some days later, Kotou confirmed that Wong has gone rogue.> <Lee's killing of Wong was considered a "purge" and his actions were left unquestioned.>

<end of part 5>

<A few weeks later> <Sotenbori's Hogushi Kaikan> Customer: Ah, just what I'd expect from the chief! Everything feels great!!

Lee: Hey, Makoto! Could ya grab my needles for me? Makoto: Eh? N-Needles...? Those are, ummm.... S-Sorry, I don't know... Lee: Ah, that's my bad, don't worry. Here, I'll show ya... Makoto: S-Sorry, chief.....

Lee: ....Wanna grab my hand? Makoto: Y-Yeah.... Lee: The needles we use for acupuncture are... right here. For you that'll be about 5 steps past the entrance to the treatment room. Makoto: Got it... S-Sorry... Lee: Hey, I already said it was my bad, don't worry... Lee: Some day you're gonna be able to see again. Until then, it's perfectly fine to get used to things slowly. Lee: We'll start at a slow pace for you... Then when you can do that, we can step it up. Makoto: Yes sir. Customer: The chief sure has changed since Makoto-chan showed up, huh? It seems like he's really happy now... Lee: Sh-Shut it, smart ass!! You say more dumb shit like that and I'll run your tongue through with my needle!! Customer: A-Ahhh!? Please forgive me!!

Customer: Nonetheless... Makoto-chan's been here for a few weeks now. Customer: I was really surprised at first! How'd a cute girl like Makoto end up as your apprentice... Customer: I thought the chief had gone and kidnapped you. Lee: Hey! Don't go startin' nasty rumors like that!! Lee: Geez... You know, I think I won't do the acupuncture! You're not stiff enough to need any hot oil neither... Lee: But it's fiiine, you can scram!! Ain't like you'd appreciate the pain of this needle anyhow... Customer: Ahaha... well then, I better get out of here before the chief starts stabbing. Customer: See ya, Makoto-chan. Be safe... and I hope your vision comes back quickly. Makoto: ...Y-Yeah....... Customer: See ya chief, till next time! <he leaves> Makoto: Lee-san, I'm sorry.... I don't know how to do anything... even though you've allowed me to be your live-in apprentice...... Lee: It's all good, Makoto. Don't fret. As long as ya don't panic and take things slowly you'll have no trouble doin' all sorts of stuff... Makoto: .........Yeah. Lee: Makoto, I'm gonna smoke for a minute out back..... Makoto: Ah, sure... Have a good day, Lee-san. <he leaves> Lee: "Have a good day" huh.... 

Lee: That look she gave me... I'm going to protect that to the bitter end.... Lee: To protect that girl... I'd do anything... Anything at all....

<epilogue end> Bonus time: first of all OOFA DOOFA this was huge! and intense! and very difficult to translate god damn all this politicking and kansai-ben. In good(?) news, I learned a bunch of fun new vocab like abduction, kidnapping, human trafficking, betrayal, etc. You know, the essential stuff. Also it’s extremely unclear if the femme fatale that Lee leveraged here is the same one he plans to kill to fake Makoto’s death in Y0, or if he just knows multiple women that swindle money out of men and kill them. Here’s an actual bonus: Lee’s thoughts on things from the board game! Let’s see if tumblr explodes from all these images or not.

Sotenbori Our city. It's got good and bad and everythin' else all mixed together. Of course, that's why they call it the city that can't be satisfied.

Acupuncture Needle The acupuncture needle I use. Custom made, but ordinary needles. By using this, it'll start feeling good instantly.

Smokes  An item vital to any acupuncturist. If you gently take a drag, the customer's meridians will appear on their back. Don't believe me?

Iwao Bridge A lot of young guys here trying to be pick up artists. A little while ago, one of my customers was an idiot who had jumped into the river after the local baseball team won the championship

Cabaret Grand This place has become the topic of conversation lately. I don't really go to those kinds of places, but, well, I kind of want to head over and take a peek

The Man with the Bat Tattoo I don't have any connection to him, I don't even know his face or his name, but if I ever meet him... I'm really going to enjoy it

Hogushi Kaikan My massage shop in Sotenbori. All ages of men and women, mafia and civilians, come here to get their muscles relaxed. (Tl note: Hogushi means to relax/loosen)

Rumor of Shakedown A shakedown? That ain't gonna happen. Still, some idiot wanting to try to shake me down is just the kind of thing that happens in Sotenbori

Mahjong Parlor I go to the mahjong parlor often. There's a lot of chinese people there. Though, japanese people go there too sometimes. Either way, by the time I go home I'm flat broke.

One Eyed Fella I've started seein' this guy around Sotenbori recently. I got no clue as to why he's here, but he's got the eye of a beaten stray dog.

I didn’t intentionally leave the Majima one for last, his was just the last one I found! I didn’t think there’d even be one, since this takes place a year before they even met, but I’m really glad there is. Now he’s just a fun bonus for anyone who made it all the way to the end. I kind of hoped the assassin that Lee sensed right in front of the Grand was just going to be Majima walking by or something.

Lee’s also got a character story that I’ll translate once I get his bond up, so look forward to even more Lee content!

[thebindingofpillo]

Magdalene for the headcanon thingy

Two asks for dear Maggy! I’ve also finished her post-it note just yesterday lmao. As for the second character, I was thorn between my usual ones (Azazel, Judas, Apollyon) but since they’re already all over this blog I went for Bethany, since she’s not really developed and could benefit from a discussion.

Anyway, tw for mentions of suicide, religious themes and Bible content under the cut.

Magdalene

Headcanon A (as God intended): She’s probably the only character (aside from Bethany) who still has some sort of relationship with religion. She’s somewhat devout, but doesn’t really like to parade it around. You’ll never catch her wearing a cross necklace, or carrying a Bible somewhere. Maggy feels like religion and spirituality in general are very personal matters, and only talks about it with people she feels comfortable with.

Headcanon B (haha funney): While Magdalene has a lot of interests that could be considered “girly”, I like to imagine she also has a hardcore side, passionate about horror movies and heavy metal. After all, Eve is her best friend! Also, before moving to the city, she lived on a farm with her family, where she learned quite a few things, like driving a tractor (I really hope that’s the right word), milk cows, slaughter pigs, usual country girl stuff. Her father may of may not have taught her how to drive before she was of age, but shhhh.

Headcanon C (I cri evrey time): Alright, so. This is going to steer uncomfortably close to Bible fanfiction territory, since it’s gonna touch upon what happened in her first life, so be warned. Basically, Maggy has a constant fear of being left alone, which dates back to her finding out the two most important people in her life (her best friends, Judas and the big JC himself) died basically the same day. And to add on, even if one of them came back, he still peaced out rather quickly, leaving her all alone again (and this time for good!) in the course of three days. This has scarred poor Maggy, even after all these lives, and turned her into a bit of a people pleaser. She will bend over backwards to keep her friends happy, so they will never leave her. This can easily lead her to be a bit too smothering (imagine your mother asking every minute “are you okay? Do you need anything? Are you sure you don’t need anything?” to get a better idea) or, even worse to people taking advantage of her good nature. Moreover, because I like to make people suffer, and I have no idea how to implement it in the story, I like to imagine she was the one who took care of Judas’s body when he hanged himself. He had no family (if I recall, his father Simon was mentioned somewhere, but it was just a name and not much else so I can do what I want), none of the other Apostles wanted to touch the traitor, and with his death being a suicide, even the priests of the temple didn’t want anything to do with him. So dear ol’ Maggy took it upon herself to give Judas a proper burial.

Headcanon D (I do what I want): Being with Judas (and Azazel too), she eventually developed an interest in the occult. Nothing too serious, but she collects tarot cards, has an interest in gems and their properties, and may or may not know the names of a few demons. She never tried anything more serious that some tarot readings tho, and now that she has living proof that demons and angels are real, is extra careful when dealing with potentially dangerous stuff. Like Judas’s potentially cursed books and knick-knack collection.

Bethany

Headcanon A (as God intended): She is also pretty religious, but unlike Maggy, she is more than happy to talk about and discuss her faith. Think something like Ella from Lucifer, she’s an outspoken christian, but not a complete dick about it (she’s still going to invite you to mass tho). She might be questioning her faith… but is far too stressed at the moment to come to a satisfying conclusion (studying while looking fo a job and her own apartment is not easy), so she just goes to mass once a week and doesn’t think too much about it.

Headcanon B (haha funney): Unlike the others, she is not reincarnated. This is her first life ever, and she has zero clue about angels, demons and suppressed memories. Lazarus, in full big brother fashion, wants to keep it that way and will go to great lenghts to keep her in the dark, including threatening the others and outright lying. Sadly, he couldn’t keep her from meeting the others, so the truth is bound to come out at some point. Ironically, she thinks Eden is an obnoxious, cryptic jackass, and much prefers Azazel’s company. She also cannot stand Judas (thinks he’s a know-it-all asshole, and is not wrong) and is secretly hoping Maggy will break up with him to find someone better.

Headcanon C (I cri evrey time): Bethany was bullied relentlessly in middle school, and now as an adult is extremely awkward and shy. She has little to no friends, the most notable ones being Jacob and Esau (Lazarus’s old buddies) and maybe Samson, whom she met in the hospital, while waiting for her brother after one of his many accidents. Maggy is her first real friend, but they have never interacted much outside of church. Bethany is probably projecting onto her what she’s looking for in a friend, and doesn’t really know about Maggy’s real interests (like tarots, crystals, or the fact that she’s living in a house with three men! And she’s not married! The shocker!) but I’m planning on her finding out eventually. After all, she’s a good kid, even if her coping strategies are not the best.

Headcanon D (I do what I want): She’s Lazarus younger sister and the youngest of the whole group at just 19 years, and is currently in the first year of university (I still need to decide which major though). Despite being 6 whole years younger, she’s still several inches taller than him.

[got-any-references]

What are your fav beetlebabes headcanons? Also, love your stuff <3

Thank you <3. And thank you for the wait cause oh boy if I don’t answer this ask with a ridiculous amount of art how will I live?

*Digging out the dust covered manuscript that is my nonexistent Beetlebabes fic from under the floorboards* It’s showtime.

So...Lydia is the one who falls first. She is about 17 or 18 at the time, so this is very much an “I have a teen crush on someone I am not supposed to” type of deal. Honestly they fell in love with each other way before that but like, platonically 

Beej is...horribly oblivious XD. Honestly its for the best because Lydia spends the better part of her pre-college summer freaking about because any time her best friend walks in the door her heart wants to go bull-riding in her chest and if she actually has to confront her feelings she might just explode.

Then, just before Lydia was supposed to go away to college, Beetlejuice...disappears. He leaves a note, saying he’ll be back, but weeks turn into months, months turn into a year, and no one either in the living world or the netherworld has seen a hair of him. Lydia goes through college without really knowing what to do with herself, missing what was probably the closest person in her life. She graduates with a journalism degree and a minor in photography. She works for a newspaper as an investigative journalist before breaking off over less than great circumstances and going off on her own.

She’s 25 when she establishes herself as a pivate eye, with an enormous amount of anonymous sources being dead people. Also, this takes place in New York City.

(Yes she absolutely does exorcisms on the side).

She’s following a rather stange missing persons case when one of her sources points to a run down establishment that is 100% totally haunted. Except when she goes there she doesn’t find any ghosts, but rather

Beetlejuice. And he looks awful. And very much human.

Lydia: You look like hell.

Beej: Yeah, I just got back.

...

Beej: Also I’ma pass out now so you better catch me.

So he crashes at Lydia’s place, and the whole thing turns into solving the crime as well as Beej’s  mysterious aquirement of a beating heart and working lungs. He doesn’t remember how that’s happened, only now everything is Too Much with Too Many Feelings. Speaking of feelings, you bet your ass there is PINING. SO much pining. Lydia’s best friend comes back and suddenly those feelings she’d dismissed as a stupid teenage crush come FLOODING BACK. 

While Lydia’s internally feaking out over her feelings (it's totally normal and platonic to wanna kiss your best friend while he sleeps, right??), Beetlejuice is, you guessed it, totally oblivious! To his own feelings especially! All he knows is that it's his best friend only now she seems like a completely different person, and hot. She is now hot. His mad respect for Lydia makes him bury that thought deep, deep down. Also the whole marriage deal is a source on bad memories for both of them and he doesn’t wanna ruin the only good thing he’s ever had and-

Anyway, more pining:

Lydia’s feelings bring out resentment, too. She hates that Beej calls her kid, because that means he still sees her as one, and her ego and her desire for him make her want him to see her, the woman who's seen some real shit in the name of finding the truth, who can take care of herself, and who is very different from that angsty 15 year old girl on the roof. 

It all comes ahead to a big confrontation where Lydia is shot, and Beetlejuice has to drag her to the hospital without any knowledge of how human bodies work and he has no magic so he can’t help her-

The hospital needs to know his relationship to her when they take her away, and Beetlejuice knows they wont let him in unless he’s close family so he is blurts out: “Husband. Yeah, I’m her...husband.”

Lydia wakes up with a patched up hole in her side and Beetlejuice clinging to her hand. She’s happy she’s alive, but also angry, because she could have avoided all of this. She was competent enough to not need anyone to rescue her. 

She wants to get back on the case as soon as possible, she found the key lead, but Beej doesn’t wanna hear it, cause he saw way too much of her blood and he’s not big on how human bodies work, but he's pretty sure that shit’s supposed to stay inside. They’re arguing when the nurse comes in and adresses him as “Mr. Deetz.”

Lydia snatches the clipboard away, sees that he’s told them she’s his wife, and is livid. Because crush or not the wedding thing had a whole lot of baggage she does not want to unpack. She has to confront the fact that her feelings are for someone who manipulated her into marriage at 15 and who she’s not supposed to see in that way but she does anyway.

And Beej, a dumbass but also angry cause she almost died out of a stupid reckless mistake is like: "Why are you all mad? It was a green card thing. It's not like it means anything." And that gets Lyds even more upset, with him cause he's an idiot, and with herself because she's still pining for someone who, she thinks, still sees her as a child. 

Lyds, getting her coat: "Fuck off." 

BJ: "Kid-"

 Lydia: "Stop calling me that! I haven't been a child since my mother died. I haven't been a child since you showed up! I haven't been a child since I've started this, since I moved here, since the first asshole tried to kill me. I've been through literal hell and I've had to pull myself out of it all on my own because I was still here and you left."

There's a beat of silence as Lydia realizes what she just said. 

Lydia: "And that's fine. Because I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You taught me that, at least." She yanks her coat onto her shoulders and turns to go.

 BJ, quietly, but its clear he's angry: "Do you think I wanted to leave?" 

Lydia: "I don't know what you wanted. Do you even know what you wanted?" She pauses at the door, turns to him. "Do you know what you want, Betelgeuse?" 

BJ: "I-" 

He stops. He can't look her in the eye anymore. You. I want you. Lydia scoffs, turns to go. 

BJ: "Lydia, wait-" 

Lydia: "Fuck. Off."

She leaves, and he just stands there, floored by his too little too late realization. Lydia thinks the best thing to do after leaving the hospital with a bullet hole in her side and hopped up on painkillers is to go get drunk! Self-preservation? None

Beetlejuice finally finds her drunk off her ass and suddenly in a great mood. He grabs her under the arms like "Whelp. Time to go." 

Lydia: "Nooo come on-" 

BJ: "Aren't you on hospital drugs? Doesn't that shit kill you breathers if you mix it all up?" 

Lydia: ":D I stopped taking them :'D it hurts like a bitch." 

BJ: "I guess I have the shared braincell now. Okay, time to go."

He manages to get her in the car without incident, but when he gets in the driver's seat suddenly Lydia's all over him.

BJ, with a lap full of drunk Lydia: "What. What are you doing." 

Lydia: "Beeetlejuice." 

BJ: "Yeees?" 

Lydia, smiling all dopey as she cups his cheeks: "Beeetlejuuuice."

BJ: "What" 

Lydia's finger hovers over his nose, as if to boop him. He closes his eyes. And suddenly her lips are on his. She tastes like alcohol and hospital food and as she pulls away he can't think. Then she starts laughing. "Ha! Gotchaaa! Classic Bait and Switch!"

And he’s pissed.

BJ: "Ha. Ha. Good one, Lyds." 

He dumps her out of his lap and into the passenger seat. Lydia blinks in confusion. Now she's cold. She wants to ask, but her mental faculties aren't all with her at the moment. He drives them home and helps her up the stairs before dumping her onto her bed. "Well. Bye." Lydia scrambles up the bed. The car ride gave her enough time to be at least a bit sober, and everything before getting here is blurry. "Where are you going?" Beetlejuice turns around, the widest smile on his face. She's confused for a moment before she realizes he's vibrating with rage. "Ya said you want me gone? Great! You don't need me, you can do your weird little suicidal quest thing yourself!" Lydia looks lost. They had a fight but she'd rarely seen him this angry. "If its about the thing at the hospital, I didn't- I didn't mean it-"

Beetlejuice: "Really? You'd think you'd be glad to have me gone. Why would you want a creep like me around? The whole marriage thing didn't just disappear, after all! Great to know you can still pull one on me, huh?"

Lydia: "Pull what, Beetlejuice-"

She remembers, hazily, the car ride.

They stare at each other for a moment Beej is breathing heavily, he's not used to living person emotions, ones you can feel with your whole body instead of just as an abstract thing, but its clear he's holding back

Lydia: "I wasn't-" 

Beej: "You weren't what?"

 Lydia (quietly): "It wasn't a joke."

The angry grin slips off Beej's face. He suddenly looks very, very tired. She might have believed just now that he'd lived for millennia. 

 Beej: “Why are you doin' this, Lyds? Did you know the whole damn time? It's not like I was gonna do anything, I just thought- I just-”

Lydia suddenly realizes that they are having two different conversations. And something else. She looks away, trying to wrap her head around it, and Beetlejuice doesn't read it correctly. He turns to go. 

Lydia: “Wait!”

 She jumps off the bed, feeling the whole world tip over slightly, still drunk, and stumbled over to him. He catches her instinctively as she grips his forearms for support. 

Lydia: “Beej. Beej, look at me.” 

She takes his face in her hands, and turns it toward her. He looks so lost, like one word from her might actually break him. She'd only seen that look on his face once before, and she never wants to again.

Lydia takes a breath. 

Lydia: “Beetlejuice, I-”

Aaand then she throws up all over his shoes.

She doesn't quite remember what happened next, only that she was in the bathroom, leaning against the door, the toilet was flushed, she was sweating, and he wasn't there. 

Lydia: “Beej?” 

Beetlejuice (through the door): “...hi”

Lydia: “What-”

BJ: “-happened? Well, that's a story!” 

His voice sounds cheerful, but it’s shaking slightly 

BJ: “First ya threw up all over us both! then that little experiment of yours with mixing the meds went off, and you started babbling about...rocks? Then we got here, you heaved out the rest of your insides, and then ya kicked me out and said you were gonna shower, and now we're sitting here, so, yeah”

Lydia: “...Are you still covered in puke?” 

BJ:”...yeah”

Lydia: “...sorry?” 

BJ: “Pshh, what's a best friend if ya can't throw up on 'im a couple times.”

They both fall silent

Beetlejuice (quietly): “Lyds, do ya still want me here?”

...

 Lydia takes the time to find the words. Want him here? After everything, he was still asking that question. Did he still think, after all this time, that she'd throw him out at the smallest inconvenience? Would he ever stop thinking that way? Why did he think so now? Was it because he- Because he-

Lydia: “I love you.”

The other side of the door is silent. 

Lydia: “I love your stupid laugh. You sound like a fucking cartoon villain, its so fucking obnoxious. I love your jokes, all of them, even the shitty ones- you always look so god damn proud when you say them.”

Is she crying? She tries to wipe at her face, but the tears keep coming. 

Lydia: “I loved you since that last day on the roof, and when you left-” 

Her throat closes up. She chokes back on her tears, she has to finish it, he has to hear it. 

Lydia: “When you left I thought I might die again.” 

Lydia: “I kept seeing things, dumb branding on cereal boxes, that shitty college play I went to, my first client, and I kept thinking aw, Beej would have a field day with this one. I thought about what you'd say. You were like a voice I couldn't scrape out of my head, I thought I was going crazy, I thought I'd imagined it all, some lonely little girl with no life or friends, needing someone to talk to- But you'd been real, and then you were just gone- “

The words dissolve in her throat as she sobs, pulling her knees up to her chest. She feels like a child now. She feels more childlike than she had at 15. She’s clinging to a scrap of hope she doesn’t have a right to demand from him. And yet he'd said- 

Lydia: “I love you. Please, don't leave.”

They sit is silence for a while. Lydia tries to stop crying. Then, quietly from the other side of the door:

BJ: “You know what I thought when I first saw you?”

Lydia: “Here’s a suicidal teen haha what a riot?”

BJ: “What? No, not then. Like now.”

Lydia: “Oh. What?”

BJ: “I thought wow, who the hell is that and why is she so dang hot?”

Lydia laughs.

BJ: “And then I thought oh God that’s Lydia.”

Something in his voice makes her pause. Maybe it’s the strange fear that she feels coming from him.

BJ: “It’s like, you’re Lydia, and I don’t know shit about you! You’re the same person, but you’re a stranger to me. Lyds, do you know how fucking terrifying that is? You’re someone I never got to know because of a shitty decision I don’t even remember making.”

he falls silent. She can hear the pain in his voice. And something else. Longing. 

Beetlejuice: “I’d like to.”

Lydia opens the door. Beetlejuice scrables up, only for her to throw her arms around him. 

They figure it out. It’s a slowburn 200k fic that I’ll never write so it takes a while for them to actually kiss, or do anything more, but they get there. 

This turned out...ridiculously long XD. I don’t know what you meant by “headcanons”, exactly, but have this instead.

Thanks for the ask!