#its pathetic i know but i dont wanna be depressed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

liverpool-enjoyer · 3 months ago

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hey yall forewarning this is easily the most embarrassing post ive ever made on here. like im not talking normal levels of tumblr cringe/oversharing, i mean youre probly gonna judge me and think somethings genuinely wrong with me. but i really need to get it off my chest so. yolo.

also tldr at the end in case you wanna spare yourself lmao.

mkay so recently i havent been online, because ive been really sad. and the reason im sad is that gavi got a girlfriend. which i realize is probly the stupidest and most juvenile thing to be sad over but hear me out (or dont lmao its a free country do whatever you want).

its not like i ever thought i had a chance with him or anything, im not stupid. but ive known for a very long time that, due to my asexuality (and other things but mostly that), i am never going to have love in my life. so for me, daydreaming and fantasizing about being gavis girlfriend was like,,, how i coped, i guess. it was a form of escapism for me. and now i cant do that anymore bc hes someones boyfriend and fantasizing abt another girls boyfriend just feels wrong. and pathetic.

it doesnt help that all my social medias have algorithmed so that hes all over all my feeds. and to be honest, looking at him just makes me think of his beautiful girlfriend who has everything i could ever want and i feel this horrible awful nauseating feeling in my stomach and i feel envious and sad and a slew of other things. it sucks that someone who once unknowingly made me so happy now does the exact opposite but hey what can you do.

i know it sounds stupid, but i dont think i'll ever feel for someone the way i feel about him. hes the most beautiful person ive ever laid eyes on and oh God i was right this does sound stupid ok lets continue

oh and let me be clear (you hafta read that in obamas voice) im aware that feeling this way toward a complete stranger (or anyone for that matter, but like especially a complete stranger) is EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY. unfortunately, knowing that my feelings and thoughts are unhealthy doesnt stop me from having them.

so yeah. now that ive lost my form of escapism, all i can think about at any given moment is how lonely im going to be. its hard to enjoy much of anything these days when all im thinking about is how im never going to receive romantic love, and now i cant even daydream about dating gavi to cope with it. because all i can think about when i try to is how hard his girlfriend would laugh if she found out some pathetic worm halfway across the world was fantasizing about her man.

so yeah thats it. i know that every time i angst abt my asexuality (which is a LOT like holy shit why do ppl still follow me), my friends tell me that its ok because im going to find someone someday. and i appreciate it, i really do. it means the world. but my friends saying that i'll find love doesnt make it true. plenty of people have died alone and unloved before, and i am going to be one of them.

tldr: a guy ive never met got a girlfriend n im having a depressive episode abt it LMAOOOO

#good Lord i sound like one a those delusional fourteen year old girls on tiktok #as sad as i may be at least im not leaving hate comments unlike some ppl

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awesomecoolswaggirl · 3 months ago

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this is not to get attention or just list off my mental disorders like pokemon cards, this is to show my daily struggle and that its okay to have a lot of crap in your brain. and you’re not alone, it’s okay to deal with all this stuff. i just kinda wanna find my people. i really just wanna open up about my struggle and not just keep this balled inside as some pathetic diagnosis written on a sheet that i feel like i need to hide.

so heres some things i struggle with tw, mentions of gr00ming and sewerslidal themes.

if you don’t want to know or think i’m just trying to get attention, simply get off this post. i’m allowed to open up about my struggles.

SEVERE ocd. more subtypes than i can count/remember at this point

maladaptive daydreaming

derealization disorder (i’m getting diagnosed)

might have autism, also getting diagnosed

depression and anxiety (people normally duo these together)

adhd

hypersexuality (it’s gotten a lot better tho. mainly from gr00ming trauma i think? i’m not completely sure of the cause)

sh addiction/sewerslidal urges (i can gladly say i dont wanna commit anymore and i’m mostly clean of sh, PLEASE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ME I AM SAFE.)

ed urges, underage mary jane use (these didnt last long) but just overall other self destructive tenancies

attachment issues and daddy issues

age regression when i was 13. i healed from that, but it was very real and i didn’t even know i was doing it the way i was

honestly 99% sure theres probably more crap i could’ve listed but i can’t think rn and these are the ones i’m choosing to open up about.

#mental health #mental health matters #mental support #mental illness #mentally ill #actually mentally ill #mental issues #mental disorders #mentally disordered #mental health community #its okay to not be okay

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chiyoso · 1 year ago

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hira hira hira !!! hello !!! i wanted to greet once again a happy birthday (if it's still september first) and i hope you had fun when you were outside! i hope you spent your day happily and filled with gifts and love by the people who adore you <3

*rubs hands and clears throat* i now shall state my purpose of being back here again. please be warned about my idea, i think it's kind of triggering

i just wanna see a brainrot of mine be known by other people, and by that i mean [name] being pathetically in love with scaramouche that she lets herself be trampled over, be ridiculed, be the second choice, be out casted, be hated, be used as a mere plaything, be willingly manipulated, be the one always taking the blame until they just break down in tears, wondering what they did wrong that scaramouche wouldn't even look their way (inspired by what i feel what the song is about — i know you by faye webster)

yes, hira, i am perfectly fine, no need to worry about me :3 yes, hira, i don't mind with this mail not being posted !!! and yes, hira, i won't mind that you'll delete this if this made you uncomfy !! i hope you have a nice day, and always stay safe and happy !!!! mwa :3

JIJI — lovely, what a warm welcome (i just got home a few mins ago)

honestly, you've come to the right place, i love reading and writing dark content — and it may be hard to believe, but the things you mentioned in your idea? my little 15-17 years old self experienced it, not to mentio- i'll give you a small little rant about my ex in the past, perhaps to give you ideas in the process as well! (and yes, you can absolutely discuss things like this with me, i told you lovely, i'm absolutely open minded with anything and i tend to have a level headed/calm and open response, even with a taboo subject) without further ado

TW: HEAVY TOPICS, LONG READ, HIRAETH'S RELATIONSHIP LORE UNDER CUT

here, my naive 15 year old idled about in life with suicidal and depressed tendencies. dull, overworked and exhausted, in result of having to perform in plenty of stages that involved my skills as a musician. don't get me wrong, performing itself was great, taking the center stage with my other young performers, receiving gifts after — all was good in that aspect. but the negative began to seed, based off my desires to love or be enticed with the ideas of love, being cared for, being cherished. a busy life became dull, and the bullying i received from my classmates, teachers standing by — my world had dulled, causing me to drop out ultimately. i wanted to be cared for, a voice kept repeating inside my head. familial love in my eyes heavily differed to the love i craved subconsciously.

unfortunately for me, i was too observant, too keen, too aware. aware of my negative surroundings, growing negativity, my growing desire for love, but the world had continued to fail me continuously at the time, until i had enough, until i grew exhausted to the point where i wanted to — well, dying isnt really the best word, but i just wanted to live another life, i wanted to rest, i wanted to sleep endlessly.

and then.

three days. three days before i took action to cease my life, a game piqued my interest (knights chronicle) i was honestly in total auto mode, decisions weren't 100%, you could say i was mindlessly making decisions, my subconscious protecting me in its own way by distracting me with this "game" i impulsively downloaded.

skipping, i met him.

my ex. i had a persona on of course, to hide my abyss. i was a flirt, i was confident, i was who i write today on my fictions. this sudden persona? i have analyzed myself back then, and i've come to a conclusion that it was a persona manifested by desperation, absolute desperation to — yup, that's right, my rooted, inner desires, to love.

oh, i endeared ppl in that public chat — but i dont genuinely know what the fuck compelled me to my ex, but it was a force even i was unaware of why i felt a pull towards him, i still cant answer that myself. i flirted nonstop towards him specifically, relentless i was, desperate i was, but then it happened, i jokingly plugged in my instagram handle in chat — but he, he fucking remembered it, MESSAGED me, causing to stir hidden, brewing emotions, unaware that this simple, yet impactful act, would be my demise until feb-march of 2023.

oh it was lovely at first, i fell "in love" immediately. (nnh im cringing) and i let him know it, but it was one sided at first. i was heartstruck, lovestruck — no, lovesick. and this feeling dissipated any intention of suiciding. he was my savior, he was a savior in my eyes. shit, i was hopelessly... hopeless. shunning my family out, everyone, even my friends, fuck, and it was still one sided after a few months of friendship with him.

but since he voiced out ever so clearly, that he wasn't ready yet

my feelings wavered of course, and this carnal desire to be loved was immense, so, naturally, the husk of me sought out other attention, and i met someone online (imvu), he was sweet, a connection established, things were good — or... so i thought as i was blocked the next day. i was so desperate, so fucking naive and desperate that i went through his friends list and messaged a random friend. oh i was hopeless, so damn hopeless. but the guy unblocked me momentarily, i sought out closure, he reassured, and then just when i thought things were good again, he blocked me, once more. and our last messages together were "goodnight" to each other.

but this encounter with him?

i voiced this whole thing to my ex, and

at that day, at the same time, he confessed his feelings.

quite the coincidence, is it not?

so in my desperate state of self, i grew to love him as intensely, more than before. and things were good, at least for a few months.

relationships, of course, we had to show our "comfortable sides" eventually, no? and that we did. we were... different, too different, the opposite, fuck i cannot- i do not know where to begin. views, political views, the world, our interests, all was different, he was more difficult than i thought, more different, opening a world of new negativity within me, but guess what, i was still hopelessly and naively in love.

later.

all would come crashing down, one topic led to another, then another, until it became an argument, and he would later reveal that he merely saw this relationship — as a companionship. a companionship. not even a relationship. oh! oh! he stated that he viewed me as a puppy, a dog, and he was a master, CARING for the dog. a "conpanionship." by the way, in later, much later events, we would have multiple arguments about me expressing about the past, and if i bring this shit up, he would go

"not again, grace. i thought we were already done with the past, the past is done and i've already apologized"

"not again..."

"can you.... not bring the word (companionship) up? it traumatizes me grace..."

something along those lines. anyhow.

oh, ill indulge you, the moment he tried to leave me the first time — i begged, begged endlessly, crying, choking sobs, worrying my family. he stayed... because... i don't know? did he want us to work? did he pity me? did he love me? did he- yeah i dont know and ive long forgotten.

much, much later, we would have the worse arguments ever, until the rainbows, the sunshines and the good times were buried with our impactful arguments. i will admit, if we werent arguing, all was... fine. not dull. fine.

but shit, our arguments, i would be like this;

H: "PLEASE please... please... please don't leave me, dont leave me dont leave me dont leave me... please... i just- i just need reassurance... reassurance, its all i need, please...."

two ways, he complies because i need to fucking guide him since he cant come up or initiate his own, or he fucking goes away and gets burnt out and needs to leave the "argument"

i was BEGGING for the bare minimum. just- just if you've seen nat's recent scaramouche fic, our relationship was like that, but much more heavier, much more... i dont know.

RIGHT. AND WHEN I HAD ENOUGH AND WANTED TO LEAVE, HE WOULD FUCKING FOLD. HE WOULD THREATEN TO KILL HIMSELF. ?????????¿???2?!2?2!?21!1?

we broke up many times, and got back together many times. it was a cycle, a cycle of hell that i endured for 5 years. not to mention, HE was the one who brought up not having feelinge for him anymore, HE was the one who said he will change, he will end this cycle.

(i also could send ss in your asks if you wish, i dont really mind)

"grace, you're a hypocrite for wanting revenge!"

"this is so toxic..." (him referring to my expressing and begging for the bare minimum)

"please dont tell me im doing the bare minimum" - him, again

i believe im being biased, but nothing can quell the hidden hatred and anger i've developed from being with him lmao

oh when i initiated the breakup talk (again) this year, he beat me first to it, to utter the words. and you wanna know what he said blatantly?

"yeah i... im just scared of it coming from you"

BEAT ME TO IT BECAUSE HE FEARS THE REALITY OF ME FINALLY BEING DONE

and yes, i do not deny the hardwork, the good times, but it is all buried underneath the fucking trauma he induced lmao, the shitty arguments, the emotional trauma, he was so emotionally unintelligent.

and guess. fucking. what.

he started to do the shit ive begged for AFTER i was finally done with him, which was just a few months ago of our officially, official breakup. playing valorant after expressing not wanting to play it, calling it a trash game, playing genshin now but before he found it so utterly boring, and SO FUCKING ON.

ahem. this is just 12% of the contents in my relationship previously, im just shortcutting things because this reply is getting longer than i thought...

genuinely sorry for the vent lore 😭 but i hope this experience of mine helps you in your writing and especially dolly 🫶

#💌 mailed to hiraeth #💌|·❍✧⃝·° H's recipient: ciarchivez

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7hefear · 2 years ago

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MOLT SCREAM TO ME ABT WHY ASGORE IS SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VIEWS ON HIM

hello i saw your rant but i skipped it because i dont wanna rip ideas from you for this. ill get to that after ive written my thoughts.

asgore is such a conflicted character for obvious reasons. he has so many pressures on him from every side you can imagine. pressure to be a good king. a compassionate king after the human monster war. he wants to comfort his people. hes in this for the long haul. hes scared of going to the human world and wants to delay it. hes both scared of humankind as a rule and he doesnt want to face his grief. losing both of his children. walking through the barrier. the way they did all those years ago.

he wants. he needs to do whats right. but hes scared. so he takes a more passive role after chara and asriel pass. after toriel leaves him. hes most likely still suffering from a sort of depression that those events left on him. this shows in how he talks to toriel in the pacifist route ending, and the role he takes in deltarune (assuming their personalities are completely the same, which i think they are). he wants to be in his childs life, but loses himself in the past, with trying to woo toriel back. its pathetic sure but its sympathetic. (ALSO HE TELLS FRISK THEY CAN BE HIS CHILD. HELLO. DIRECT REFUSAL TO GO TO THE SURFACE FOR THE CHANCE TO WALLOW IN THE PAST MORE)

i think the best character moment is very obviously when you go into his fight.

human. it was nice to meet you. goodbye.

and of course he destroys the mercy button. and i think that fans put too much emphasis on how that affects the player in the meta sense and not enough on the tone of the story. you cannot just choose to fight, you have no other option. and Asgore has no other option. he treats you kindly up until the very second he has to stop stalling. in the same way he stays passive for as long as he can before he would break the barrier himself.

need i add how he refuses to meet your eye the entire fight. hes ashamed of himself. both in his duty and in his stalling. he didnt need to wait this long to go to the surface, but he cant bring himself to go until there is no other option. he understands how hes failed and it HAUNTS HIM !!!!!!!

also how toriel warns you of how dangerous asgore is and what he will do to you, while the rest of the underground only knows him for his softness. king fluffybuns. how he trains undyne. whatever man. (crying)

everything about his character circles back to these same themes of clinging to the past while refusing to adknowledge it, stalling in passivity until there is no other choice but to take action. and i think these are incredibly complex ideas for a character to be based on that the entore fandom just REFUSES TO ADKNOWLEDGE !!!!!! FOR SOME REASON !!!!!!!

thats most of my thoughtssssssss thank you for asking and sorry it took so long for me to answer :]

#actual posts #i actually fucking lose asgore so much i am so starved for content its insane. hes such a well made and sympathetic character that doesnt #get near enough spotlight. hes foreshadowed and on the horizon the entire game and i feel like everyone ignores him. hello.#EDIT: LOVE!!! NOT LOSE!!!! HELP.....

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yuukei-yikes · 1 year ago

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Omg omg omg. Hi. Ok so idk if Shintaro would tell Takane about how he killed her in Route XXX (I kinda feel like he wouldn’t) but I definitely imagine that Shintaro is extremely guilty about it and the memory of it straight up haunts him at night sometimes. Dude probably has nightmares about it every now and again

Like imagine Shintaro randomly tightly hugging Takane and immediately apologizing over and over again and Takane is just “??” becuz she doesn’t know what happened!! She’s clueless! She’s not reminded of the horrors like Shintaro is!

Anyways thanks for coming to my KageTed Talk have a good day/afternoon/night

I AGREEEEEEE I AGREE COMPLETELYYYYY his ass WOULD NOT TELL HER but he's so haunted by it!!!!

shintaro sees takane and sees the person who was by his side over a hundred times and he even once killed. augh his self hatred and shit.... i want to explode theyre so best friends they love each other so much. they go everywhere together and are always together 👍

also them hugging ;_; _; ;_; shintaro is so bad with words so resorting to a hug makes sense. there's so much art of ene always clinging to shintaro and while takane (in my delusions) has her whole thing with touch i think she's naturally really clingy and touchy so she's also like. jumping on his back and surprise hugging him all the time and he's like AUGGHHH. i love drawing shintaro&takane hugs where takane holds him bc she's the comforter and shintaro is the pathetic wet washcloth that needs hugging.

GRRR GRRRR POST STR SHINTAKA CONFLICTS COMPLETELY UNRELATED BUT imagine takane having a hard time with something and the dynamic shifts and shintaro Has no idea how tackle the situation with a vulnerable takane. sorry the bit in the seventh novel where takane gets upset for like 30 seconds and shintaro's like. I DONT WANNA EVER DEAL WITH SEEING TAKANE DEPRESSED AGAIN. means so much to me.

ok i always talk abt it, takane would just rely on haruka instead, she also wouldnt go to shintaro yknow. but man shintaro would want to help he just doesnt know how to handle seeing takane like a real person. not so much like the ayano thing where he puts her in a pedestal, with takane is more like... he's used to seeing her play a certain role and when takane moves from it bc of her own problems, he's all out of orbit and he's like Whoa what. also like in the seventh novel he wants to scream and run if he sees her upset like Haha what are you doing ur the sneering girlie in my puter STOP CRYING STOP IT STOP IT THAT'S WEIRD.

i think interesting conflict could come from shintaro insisting to takane he's there for her and she should count on him and have take him into account whenever she needs a shoulder, like he makes a big deal out of that but Then when she really needs him he doesn't actually manage to show up. OR!!!! ANOTHER FUN ONE: he goes and tells her problems to haruka or ayano or worse EVERYONE ELSE because he assumes theyre gonna do a better job than him but he puts her in the worst position of vulnerability ever that she HATES AND IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE IN. like imagine he goes and tells haruka for example. idk What. like she's having a hard time with something, probably about her sensory issues (primarily i think she'd talk to haruka, but imagining shintaro is asking her to count on him too and her actually considering it and doing it). and chose shintaro to talk but shintaro just passes it over to haruka. and takane's like. ur going behind my back telling SHIT I TRUSTED U WITH??? and shintaro's like erm erm. hehe. shes not mad about haruka or whoever else knowing, its shintaro running away that she gets angry at. sry i have a whole fic written in my head

anyways. shintaro is trying to be a good friend to takane but their dynamic is weird and strange and tends to fall back to You dont know anything about me and I know everything about you (takane) and With a side of youve known me in this life while I've known you for over a hundred other lifetimes (shintaro). they make me crazy!

#ask tag #shintaro kisaragi #takane enomoto #headcanons

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bluewaterhigh2005 · 1 year ago

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hii i know this is random but bear with me. ive never read the vampire academy books but i have seen the movie for the first time last week and ive been like COMPLETELY insane about it ever since. the absolute craziness of psychosexual obsessive girlbestfriendism has captivated me and now i live breathe eat roselissa. spent a lot. of time on vampire academy wiki...thinking abt reading the books even but that seems a little excessive plus i dont wanna read about rose dimitri relationship i dont condone it. BUT i am getting desperate ive seen bad fanart on pinterest ive even venturend into some bad fanfic territory theres nothing in the roselissa tumblr tag and your blog is the only light in the darkness. im so obsessed with them its really bad. NOBODY does it like them theyre so insane. okay so-> i was thinking you could use this ask to dump some roselissa opinions/headcannons/notes app essays etc or like literally anything🙏. also sorreee for how long it is & thank you & also should i watch the show? ok ok have a nice day byeeeee❤️

i am so fucking glad that it's 2023 and people are still watching this stupid perfect lesbian camp masterpiece of a film. okay first of all you are soooo real not wanting to read the books because of fuck ass dimitri like what a pathetic flop. *i* love the books like i would love my own children but keep in mind i did read them for the first time as a 12yr old and even now when i reread it's mostly to warmup before rereading bloodlines which i think is the most perfect magical romantic series ever written. heterosexuals won that round.

anyway i think everyone in the world should watch the show it's so much fun and the roselissa necromancy reveal goes soooooooo crazy like it's gay excellence. also a) australian rose hathaway is INSPIRED, b) the rose/dimitri of it all pisses me off significantly less in the show purely because he's like. not even a teacher he's just lurking and hanging around and i find that very funny. no friends no job he's just like me fr, and c) lissa wears funky little hats and that's so special to me she is my baby girl princess sweetie pie forever and ever and ever

okay moving onto actually talking about roselissa it is first of all very important to me that you know the 3rd book opens with rose inside lissa's head during a lissa/christian sex scene and she's very much like "i don't want to have sex with lissa..... BUT-" and it sends me every time especially because that was actually the first book i read so my literal introduction to this series was rose being weird and psychosexual about lissa which kind of coloured my view of them forever. roselissa above everything of course but i AM a roselissachristian throuple truther i think they're very fun and rose and christian best friendisms are very dear to me.

i do keep a running list in my notes app of songs that i would put on a roselissa playlist (like an insane person.) and the #1 entry is mitski's i don't smoke because well literally if you need to be mean be mean to me i can take it and put it inside of me..... that's literally their whole entire thing for a while there like rose spending an entire book like. siphoning off lissa's mental illness and making it her own SOUNDS like a joke but no it's #real and #devastating. bonus i also have a list of lissa songs which is topped by BRUTAL by olivia rodrigo because nobody has ever suffered the pains of being a teenage girl more than my perfect bisexual vampire princess.

my post-series thoughts /headcanons are often pretty depressing on the roselissa front but i don't want to get into depressing shit so i will instead talk about my current favourite idea which is that after they break their bond at the end of the series. you'd think they'd start being normal about each other. but NO they get even more freaky and codependent. i like to picture people coming to court and just sighing when they see them sitting in each other's laps on lissa's throne like not AGAIN. and dimitri idk dies in a fire or something. idk if you've ever seen grey's anatomy but there's this bit where a guy is like "my wife and her friend have sleepovers together in our bed with me in it" and TO ME that is soooo roselissachristian core. he's THEIR third wheel and he knows it.

also sidebar it pisses me off SOOOOOO bad seeing how people on the internet so fundamentally misunderstand lissa and her relationship to rose like for literal years now like they're always out here calling my girl self-centred and saying she doesn't love rose as much as rose loves her which is crazy because hello she brought rose back from the DEAD with her mind powers. her whole flop family was dead in that car and she brought back her girl best friend like what more can you even say about that. she's gay and she's insane and she's so completely Not Normal about rose

#okay i put a read more because this got long as fuck and i am so sorry for anyone seeing this if it didn't work sdkjdjd #THANK you for sending me this va is my favourite thing in the world i could talk about it for years #basically. absolutely watch the show it's perfect i have no notes #and i Won't tell you to read the books but. they are very fun and easy to get through if you do decide to #and while the rose dimitri of it all is. gags. i DO think roselissa is very clearly the core relationship #it's so funny that ms mead accidentally wrote a crazy gay masterpiece for the ages like. roselissa will ALWAYS be famous #answered #anonymous

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corny-ass-shit · 11 days ago

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i think my seasonal depression is during the summer. i have summer depression i guess.

April ends, and its getting warmer and my friends start going out more and theres more school work because of finals. i force myself to go out because of fomo and hate being alone, i burn myself out from draining my social battery every single day. im catching up on homework and schoolwork i didnt do and i stop caring about my grades and know im gonna fail finals. its the 4th quarter at this point, and im not doing any of my work or studying. im done, i dont give a shit. im rude to my friends, barely see my family, dont take care or myself.

school ends. finals are over. some stress taken off the shoulders, right? no. im crying every day. im forcing myself to get out of bed and go outside with my friends. i want to cut, i want someone to beat the shit out of me, i want to get him by a fucking semi. i hate myself and how im feeling. i hate everything. i hate my friends and i hate the weather and i hate my family and i hate everything about me.

school starts again. i get better. i do all my work, submit everything on time with all my effort put in. i ease up with my friends and family, i enjoy going out again. usually. not this year i guess. i did my homework for the first 3 weeks of school, half assed, and i havent fully completed a night of homework since then and its the middle of november. i havent done my homework at all since october 22nd. im crying every day, still, and i still cant find a valid excuse for me acting like a bitch. i had a screaming crying breakdown in from of my boyfriend. i mean i was sobbing, yelling, trying to speak but couldn’t for a solid 20-25 minutes. it was awful and disgusting and embarrassing and so pathetic. absolutely pathetic. im not getting better. every time i feel bad, it seems my boyfriend starts feeling bad too. i dont want to rub my negativity on him. every time he feels bad, i feel even worse because how can i help him while im desperately trying to make it on my own? now he has seasonal depression, winter is the worst. hes like me, low on energy, cant find coping, doesnt want to hang out. except he deals with it differently. i force myself to go out and burn myself out and cry and shake and wish i was dead for ever leaving my bed. but he rests, and thats good. he takes time to himself and deals with it by talking to me or playing music. i cnat make him feel even worse during seasonal depression. not when im acting like this. why am i acting like this? whats my fucking deal? why havent i gone back to normal? why cant i fucking help anyone? why doesnt he want my help?? i know he just doesnt like help from people but i want to be the boyfriend that can help. not like everyone else. i dont wanna be just everyone else. i want to help. because although its selfish, helping him would help me feel better. i hate being this dependent, but i dont know what else to do. break my 2 day streak i guess.

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scarletanpan · 23 days ago

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I don't have anything else to say but the mindset of so many ppl taking nothing serious and not caring abt cancel culture or accountability or looking at history combined so perfectly with these last 8 yrs of increasingly open and vitriolic bigotry to the point where this shit fucking happened. And I saw it from miles away, I saw it get worse every year and still so many ppl either started to disengage or act like all these ppl are crazy and bad but its not that serious. They dk that the ppl who want to oppress us care a lot more than we dont. Elon musks million dollar giveaway was given the green light two days ago which I'm sure helped. As fucking illegal as that clearly should be this election was bought by rich ppl. Its like everyone forgot so many conservatives are rich ppl who wanna stay rich, and will pay to convince their supporters to do anything for them. I'm just so scared for palestine it's making me sick because that was my biggest fear they're fucking evil. Ill do what i can but how was this not more important to everyone else.. I'm so disturbed seeing my state have less than 30 out of 120+ districts blue... like oh. Wow. Everyone loves this fascist, thats genuinely insane

Do yall realize how hard we rubberbanded back into yt supremacy after obama got in office. So hard that it completely fucked up the political scene irreversibly, removed any type of decorum left and turned it into a cult of personality. Like one of the most important parts of change is handling all the conservative backlash that comes w it. We do not make progress in this country w/o strong opposition from the status quo, but when everyone acts like nothing matters anyway it's impossible. I'm so serious just the reaction to cancel culture by itself basically amplified and was applied to every single aspect of society for most ppl. That is maybe the scariest result bc we just watched them plan and admit to doing some of the most horrific things time and time again with no consequences. Saying how they'll make all marginalized ppls lives miserable and destroy the election process and idk

It's just insane there's too much to how this all played out but the point is im sad and frustrated asf. If Elon musk dropped dead 4 fucking yrs ago there's at least a smaller chance this would've ever occurred. I don't feel safe going anywhere rn bc this whole week there's trump supporters on every block. Seriously.. but the important part is to not make like so many ppl not affected deeply by marginalization and fucking give up. It's just depressing asf feeling like wow yall rlly hate poc. And queer ppl. And disabled ppl. Or thought bigotry was solved bc u see representation a little more and stopped caring abt the deeply systemic issues still affecting us everyday. But whatever, im just prepping myself mentally knowing things will be going downhill for a while.. I doubt it but I hope some ppl have a fucking wake up call and rlly start caring more. Fr like the only way I can cope w this is doing more research so I feel less insane abt all of it, and spreading awareness which I rlly need to I'm j so mentally behind rn

And so frustrating too the way the US is such a corrupt imperialist country that this result affects everybody else. But ppl barely understand the politics in this country much less care abt all the other ppl this parasite of a collection of states ruins. It sucks to live w this but it is a privilege to have the right to vote and change things. Like I get why ppl get so fucking annoyed w Americans bc being this ignorant and complacent in fascism is pathetic. Knowledge and history has never been more imperative than right now

#text #personal #vent #sorry venting abt politics i cant rn #ignore me I need to go sleep for a week

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smileymoth · 1 month ago

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venting more cuz im sick asf of being the way i am lolz . Every trigger warning ever probably

Its like soooo hard for me to describe how bad thsi shit makes me feèl like i KNOW i can do it i CAN DO SCHOOLWORK i just feel like im mega lazy and not putting in enough effort so i always feel like i need to hurt myself so so much to feel like my struggle is like worth it. Like i keep fantasizing abt hurting myself realllll bad but its like okaayyy it wont like. fix anything? Youll still have to do it?? So like get a grip and just do it. But i on god feel like i cant? I cant? I feel like i cant??? I feel like i need so much help but i cant keep asking for help all the timr bc i need to vocaalize my own thoughts bc thats how the real world works how am i meant to get a job if i cant express my ideas. How have i become so degenerated in my creative ideas over the past 4 years. My god. Probably got to do with not having had a psychologist for 2 years and only seeinf my psychiatrist once in a blue moon (ITS BEEN A YEAR SINCE IVE SEEN THE FUCKER SOON) and my dad died but im over it now. Idk why im so depressed. Why am i so fucking pathetic man. Like get a grip. Literally. Makes me wanna kms how saamatu i am. I constantly fantasize abt hurting mydelf so bad just to show how much im hurting (eewwww i sound so emo) but again. Wont fix anything. And id hide it anyway. But by god i want to. So bad. Everybody has it hard and im not special so i need to suck it up and do it. I cant do this school shit. I also probably cant do a job. Nor anything. I rly should just kill myself unless i wanna become a 30 year old basememnt dweller who still lives with her mom. I neeeeeeed to kill myself theres nothing out there for me. Not skinny enough not smart enough not skilled enough im just mid. Id rather work at rimi but by god i want to be something and not just some random person. But thats a skill issue. The worst part is tjat i believe i can be someone that actually matters. I need to kill myselfffffff. Anyway fucking. Goodnight its too late ill do those stupid moodboards and personas tomorrow when i dont want to kill myself over school (mission impossible)

#moth post #vent

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james-bucky-barnackle · 2 months ago

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Here's all I wanna do

I wanna quit my job and just read books and write fanfics, maybe listen and eventually voice my own audio erotica and earn big money from it or maybe just enough to live and not survive. And I get it, I haven't even done the next big step, which is to monetize my fanfics, or even just ask for donations - because for that to even happen, I have to actually be consistent with writing. And as for the voice over thing, all I've ever done is buy a mic. And now that mic is just sitting on my desk, well its not even on my desk - its on my shelf. And I always say I need to make time for it, but I never make time for it. Another way to look at it is I also never have time for it. I work night shifts, and I'm on a constant Russian roulette with my clock - waking up at different hours each time. And I know, you could say I'm just not disciplined enough to stick to a schedule and maybe that's it actually. And now I'm even more depressed just thinking about it, because now I feel so hopeless. Like what the actual fuck. I am just stuck in this zone where I have spurts of creativity for 5 minutes, or a sudden rush to get my life together, but I never do. And I'm so terrified of growing old and not having done anything. And it's funny because I'm stuck between denial and acceptance on the things I'm probably never going to achieve. And it sucks to say that out loud. I honestly dont know what to do now. I want to quit my job, eat cake and drown in books and media, but I am in no position to do that. I am broke. This is crazy. Usually every time I write a blog post, I reach some sort of enlightenment by the end of it but to be honest it's not coming and I'm terrified. I could say, I'd just quit my job and start working on the things I just mentioned, try working on my podcast, try writing audio porn scripts and even voicing them and then pumping out more content for fanfiction, enough that people actually want to donate so I can continue living off it. And it sounds so stupid in my brain, I just want to cry. Holy fuck I'm depressed, aren't I? There's also this thing, I've been singing since I was 5, and honestly I got so close to getting signed up by an independent record here, but never even got close to doing anything other than singing back up for a rapper. And the whole team is cancellable that it didn't feel right to be a part of. And I wouldn't want my career to start out that way. And now I'm like wallowing in self pity for all the opportunities I'm not getting but also more annoyed and maybe its laughable because I haven't even done anything to - well actually, physically start. Which I'm not sure how to put it or if it sounds pathetic, but maybe even the first sentence really will be just a dream. And I hate it because I started writing this entry to like relay a dream, because that's well, a dream - and the more I'm like diving deeper into it, I'm mad that it's just a dream. It can't be like this bro, like tell me this isn't it.

#personal #career #im slumped

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kyokiiro · 7 months ago

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TW: talking about su*c*de, sh, mentions of depression, mentions about panic attacks, alot of sensitive topics. Do not read if these topics trigger you!!

I so fucking done with life rn that i don't even have to energy to sleep or do anything. I already have a pretty low energy capacity-

Im pulling my 4th all nighter this week and my suicidal thoughts are kicking in:) the urge to just end it all

I almost had a panic attack at school bc it was way to loud in my class

I haven't properly taken care of myself. I barely eat, i hurt myself whenever it gets to much, i can't sleep bc i keep having those voices in my head

Depression absolutely sucks. I do not look forward to seeing a therapist once a week. I really fucking hate myself rn for being like this

I want to accept help from people, but theres just something stopping me from allowing to let people in.

Im not used to be open about my feelings, I just dont even understand most of the what im feeling

Its so frustrating that i just wanna die to make it go away

Ive been struggling with depression for like 4 years. The first & second year wasn't as bad, but i already had thoughts of me wanting to die

Ive kept this to myself for 3 years. And i still struggle to be open about it. Its confirmed my depression is caused through trauma and i just feel so fucking pathetic and useless. I really dont know how much longer i can handle this

#kyo rants – 🥀

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fecundaratis · 1 year ago

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i dont wanna write creatively about it today.

today, i just feel sad and empty.

for the last month or so, ive been having panic attacks. not every day, a few times a week at most i think. every other day maybe.

my whole body tenses up. i shrink myself as small as i can. my neck and shoulders are killing me. i dont even realize its happening.

my partner notices something off. asks if im ok. if i want a hug. and i freeze and start panicking. no, dont, dont you fucking touch me. get away. im holding my breath for minutes at a time, completely unaware that im even doing it. they tell me to breathe and it just makes me angrier. im pissed off that theyre trying to help me. pissed off that they noticed something was wrong. when they walk towards me slowly, like theyre trying to calm a feral neighborhood cat, i get this instinct to run as fast as i can. to hide. to become invisible until they stop looking for me. instinctively, i feel that once they stop looking for me, it will be safe to come out.

but i never do that. because they arent so pushy as to make me finally take that step. they tell me gently to take deep breaths. but trying to regulate my breathing just makes me hyperventilate. my lungs are sore from holding my breath for so long.

after it passes, my whole body hurts. i feel like ive run a marathon, i feel like ive lifted up a car. im exhausted and i ache so much that i can barely move.

lately, i dont leave the house to do errands with my partner. when i think about what makes me so anxious to leave, i think about people seeing me. not even speaking to me, or attacking me, or getting hit by a car or a mass shooting, i dont think about all of the things that would almost be reasonable to be afraid of. i just think about being seen.

i am terrified to my bones of being looked at right now. i feel like being acknowledged is the worst thing that can happen to me. when i think about my loved ones seeing me, my siblings or my parents or grandparents or friends, i worry theyll see that somethings wrong just as easily as my partner does.

my thoughts are so constant, so quick that they feel like tv static inside my head. thoughts so numerous and constant that it almost feels like im not thinking at all.

im trying not to. but im distancing myself from people i care about. when they try to take care of me, i want to fight them. i want to yell at them to leave me alone. i get so mad that it scares me.

im so worried about what will happen when people care about me, but i also feel betrayed when they dont. almost like, im suffering so prettily, dont you see it? i put all this effort to be perfectly tragic and you dont even notice. you arent even grateful for how i suffer. as if im doing it for them.

im terrified of what this means for me. if my symptoms are real, or if theyre just desperate bids for attention. a 15 year old pretending to be depressed for attention is sad, but im 31. now its just pathetic.

i told my partner eariler, "i dont like when you humor my delusions." they told me, "you think so many fundamental truths about yourself are delusions."

when i think about the possibility that my problems are real, i feel cold terror in my gut. like being afraid of getting caught doing something bad. when i think about maybe ive lied about every bad thing thats ever happened to me, i feel something like relief. maybe ive lied so much, that i dont even know what the truth is anymore. or how to tell it. maybe ive lied so much ive completely convinced even myself that those lies are true.

when i tell my partner these thoughts, they tell me "you include details that someone lying about these things wouldnt think to include. you leave out details that someone who was lying would add to aid the deception." they insist that they can tell im not lying about any of this. they tell me that there are things about me that retroactively made sense after i disclosed some of my history.

a part of my brain hisses out that theyre blinded by love for me. that the possibility that they couldve fallen in love with someone who was so deceitful is so harrowing for them, that they ignore the clear truth: that i am someone who lies for attention and pity.

that part is so loud sometimes. a part of my brain is so loud and verbally abusive that i cannot cope with it. i dont know if its my conscience or a coping mechanism.

im so tired. i just want to know what is real

#entry

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