#im back on it now and have been since i missed that dose but just that one day felt totally normal

[yoshistory]

if i took a shower had a change of clothes took my T shot and ate a sandwich i would be a new man rn

[uraniumglassgirl]

I feel like shit recently and i want to blame it on medication related stuff but I literally just think i feel like shit because i do

[ink-stainedkiss]

This isn't necessarily a request (unless you like the idea😍) but i am WEAK for saiki kusuo being happy and laughing, as ooc as it sounds IDC HES MY BABY AND HES HUMAN THEREOFRE I CONCLUDE THIS BOY CAN HAVE HIS DAILY DOSE OF GIGGLES.

Like, i read the fic you made on saiki finding readers thoughts funny, and i BAJDJSJAJDBS I SQUEALED.

Just imagining him breaking character, or AUDIBLY laughing, is so so sweet bro im not even joking. He'd only ever be comfortable doing it infront of his mom probably, or his close friends. EVEN SO.

Just needed to get it off my chest. 🙂 if you ever make more fics with happy/giggly saiki i might actually marry you. 🙂🙂🙂

This one goes specifically to you queen😍 and No. I’m going to marry you🫵😼

Missing You

Synopsis: Saiki starts to feel a bit weird when you are out and he realizes he misses you. Now to find a way to get you home faster…

Merry Christmas for those who celebrate! I hope you all had a great time because I sure did. Sorry my activity has been a little slow these past days have been busier than expected, so this one’s going to be a bit short. Also thank you all for the likes on my later posts! It feels so amazing to see you guys enjoying my other works. Anyways, please enjoy this tooth-rotting fluff of our beloved Saiki💕

“You on the phone”

“Saiki on the phone”

*Saiki is wearing his telepathy blocking ring in this, so he's speaking normally*

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1.2k

Everyone knew that Saiki was not a dependent person. He was the furthest thing from it. He loved his alone time- actually scratch that. He craved alone time. It was just his luck that he was always surrounded by people that caused him so much mental pain. To Saiki’s surprise, he had found someone he tolerated. Well it was more than that, but you guys were just friends, so he couldn’t say anything. He realized you were the only one that didn’t put Saiki through a problem which he had to solve. There were no long adventures when you talked to him in the halls. No using his powers to fix something you had done. He was able to act perfectly normal around you. Which is why he grew such an affection toward you. He grew so comfortable that he told you about his abilities and like he expected you took it well.

Today was one of his favorite days. Where he was able to hang around your home without a care in the world. Whatever his friends were up to outside of your house was not Saiki’s business, nor did he care about it. He had developed a routine when you text him to come over. He would arrive at your house, wear his germanium ring and let his worries wash away. It was the closest thing he could get to being a normal teenager and he was damn sure going to use his time wisely. Whenever Saiki stayed at your home, you would ask to do something, nothing crazy. Something simple like baking a batch of cookies, watching a movie on the couch, or if you were very bored, you would ask to do Saiki’s hair, which he never denied. Because, well, it was you. How could he say no?

Today was a bit different. You had mentioned you needed to run some errands and you promised you would back around noon. Saiki was fine with this since it meant he would have the house to himself. You trusted him greatly so you didn’t mind if he stuck around while you were out. When you left he gave a small nod and then the house was silent. Today was very different because something felt off. He had been reading a book on your shelf out of interest, but for the past five minutes, he had been rereading the same sentence over and over. Something was tugging in his head, but he wasn’t sure what was wrong.

Today was different because he felt so off without you in the same room as him. He checked the clock, realizing I had only been an hour and a half since you left. You wouldn’t be back until later, so Saiki had to find something to distract himself. Today was different because tried to cure his “boredom” with his powers. He turned on your kitchen sink, watching blankly as he made shapes and animals out of the liquid. When that didn’t stop the tugging, he moved onto your room. He felt slightly better resting on your bed and he played it off as being tired, but no. When he kept checking the clock to see if it was any closer to noon, he came to the horrifying conclusion that he missed you.

It was such a foreign feeling. Saiki? Wanting someone to be around him? Well that’s what happens when you sneak your way into his heart. The psychic couldn’t stand it anymore and grabbed his phone, clicking on your contact and placing the device to his ear. The small buzzing reached his ear and he felt a small fragment of relief when you answered after the second ring.

“Hey Saiki, what’s up?”

He sighed, a bit humiliated he felt this way.

“Nothing.”

“Then did you need something?”

“When are you going to be home?”

He said home like he lived here with you, but if you minded, you didn’t make it obvious.

“I should be there in maybe three hours.”

That did not help.

“Can you get here sooner?”

“Why? Is something wrong?”

“Yes.”

Might as well since there isn’t anything else getting you here faster. Saiki thought.

A small gasp sounded through the speaker, “I thought you said nothing was happening?”

“Just get here fast.”

And with that he hung up the phone.

—

You raced to your house, hoping you wouldn’t find it in ashes or hit by a tornado. Maybe you were being dramatic, but why would Saiki call you and tell you to come home quickly? It was shocking that you didn’t get pulled over at the pace you were driving home. When you pulled onto your street, you were thankful to not see any smoke, but that didn’t make you slow down. You slammed to a stop in your driveway, panic flooding your veins. You unlocked your door at lightning speed and the second it was open, you called out,”I’m here! What happened?!”

You shut the door behind you, scanning for some sort of danger, but you find your house was still intact. You were so confused. You were expecting some sort of freak accident with Saiki’s powers, but everything was in place.

“Nothing wrong.”

You whipped around, finding Saiki had teleported behind you. You blinked in confusion,”What are you talking about? You told me to get here quick and I-“ “I lied.” Your arms dropped at your side in defeat,”Then why am I here right now?” He gave you an emotionless stare,”Because I wanted you to be.”

Still in shock, you looked around, finding a scattered book on your couch. It was odd because Saiki is always the one to be neat. You turned to the boy, noticing how he was hardly making eye contact with you and he clearly wanted to say more. You recalled his words over the phone, then it all clicked.

“Saiki,” your words were barely above a whisper,”Did you miss me?”

The things that happened next were a blur. In the blink of an eye two arms were wrapping around you and you could feel Saiki’s head in the crook of your neck. He didn’t respond to your question, but this was enough to answer it. Honestly, you were a bit nervous. Was this really the same Saiki? The one who barely let people stand close to him, was holding onto you like a lifeline. You felt a long sigh escape his lips and instinctively you reached one hand up to rest in his pink hair and the other embracing him over his shoulder.

“I didn’t know how else to get you here.” He confessed gently, making your heart melt,”You could have just asked, Kusuo.” He tucked himself more into your neck, almost hiding his face from you,”But you were busy.” You rolled your eyes, “It was just getting groceries, I would have dropped everything if I knew you wanted me here.”

Saiki didn’t know how to respond, instead he used his teleportation to take you both to your room. You let out a grunt as you back hit your mattress, but your attention changed to the boy resting on you. He looked so at peace and you couldn’t believe this was still the same person. (It’s not like you were complaining.) As you softly played with his pink hair, a small idea popped into your head. Maybe I should go out more often if this is what I get to come home too…

[milkbobatyun]

broken promises and broken hearts —「hey, do you still remember me?」

pairing: various x gn!reader

genre: angstober, events

summary: you've been friends since childhood and promised to marry each other but now everything is slowly falling apart. do they still remember their promise?

word count: 464

a/n: the school term just started again and holy shit im getting my ass kicked and handed back to me (╥ᆺ╥；) while trying to find icons for this fic, i was also hit with a dose of good old 2000s nostalgia, like bro, remember loom-bands, pillow pets n all that good stuff? the memories oml, i miss those days ˙◠˙

your heart yearned for a simpler time, when the expectations of society weren’t ensnared around you, snuffing out your innocence with a careless hand. you wished to return to the warm, sunny days of your childhood, when all was well, and the sandpit your haven.

the warm rays of sun were slowly sinking below the horizon, golden glow slicing through the shadows of the leaves. beneath the tall tree, sat you and them, joyfully playing in the sand.

you watched with curious eyes as they pulled out a small jewellery box from their pocket. nestled in the soft velvet was a small shiny ring, a perfect fit for your small, child hands.

their eyes glowed with joy and a love, too simple to understand back them, but looking back now, it was obvious. the two of you linked your pinkies together, promising that you would marry each other in the future.

solemnly, the two of you promised that if one of you didn’t fulfill the promise, then they would turn into an ugly toad.

the years between blurred into a mixture of chasing deadlines, working yourself to the bone, chasing for your dream. before you knew it, the sandpit had long been replaced, laughter laced with polite smiles and bland conversation.

the ring lay against your neck, along a chain fashioned into a necklace. fiddling with the ring, you wondered where the time went. it felt like only yesterday when the two of you had made the promise to each other.

you wondered, would they still remember that silly, childish promise, or if it was another memory, tucked into the album of childhood, collecting dust in the back of their mind. perhaps they held the ring close to their heart too, nestled against their chest, hidden under layers of clothing. the ring lay cool against your skin, heavy with the weight of unsaid words.

yet, as you both matured and aged, your goals set you on different paths. once, the two of you were attached at the hip, moving in sync with each other. now, you were lucky to catch a glimpse of the back of their heads once a month.

you longed to run up towards them, tug their sleeve, remind them of their promise, underneath the old tree. but now, you simply watched them walk away, out of your life, far from reach. you yearned to reach out your hand, to have them turn back to you, look at you with the love they once held.

the ring sat heavy around your neck, a solid and silent reminder of your broken childhood promises.

maybe in another life, they remembered and they turned around, to hold you close and cherish you, like you were made of glass, like you were their whole world.

ARLECCHINO, diluc, zhongli, yuta, scaramouche, yeonjun, TAEHYUN, geto, dan heng, AYATO, aventurine, oikawa, tsukishima, RIN, sae, isagi

taglist (open): @yeonjunsfox

∧,,,∧ ( ̳• · • ̳)  �� curated with love by milkbobayun 2024 / づ ♡

[mueritos]

Hi there, I'm a trans guy trying to figure out what birth control is best for me right now. Would you mind discussing your experience with nexplanon, especially regarding side effects? I'll admit after doing some research no option seems perfect, but hearing from other guys about what has worked for them is super helpful. If you've discussed already elsewhere, apologies for missing that. Thanks and I hope you're having a nice day!

hiya! I don't mind discussing my experience with nexplanon. You might find some earlier asks on my blog if u search the word about the insertion experience, but im sure if youve looked into it youve prolly read of the insertion procedure. it wasnt too bad for me, nor that painful (the numbing was the most painful), and it's uncomfortable at worst. i got a lil woozy during it for some reason, prolly cuz i sat up too fast, so I just laid back until I was chill. You have to wait a week to have unprotected sex, but after that you're fine.

as for my long-term experience (2 years now), its been pretty good! ive recommended it to other transmascs on HRT because out of all the options it seemed to be the one that was most effective BC on top of the fact that I don't ovulate anymore. It also doesn't interact with ur T because it's such a low dose over a long period of time. I also wanted something that lasted a long time and with an insertion process that wasnt fucking barbaric.

Anyway, I was having A LOT of unprotected sex around the time I got it, so I can say I never had any scares, and I've continued to have unprotected sex since. I think I had a little more acne after I started it, but I've had acne my whole life and it wasn't very noticeable. I don't remember experiencing any side effects like bleeding, cramps (likely cuz my period stopped years ago), or irritability, nor did I experience any effects from my hormones fluctuating. The most I had was anxiety over the first few times having unprotected sex, but that wore off when we realized I wasn't getting pregnant lol. There's a possibility that nexplanon helped me gain weight, but I wanted that.

so yeah! overall I had a great experience and it's doing its job to protect the remaining risk I have for pregnancy. even tho T helps with that, it's NOT a contraceptive. So I wanted something that wasnt intrusive or needing me to take it everyday. I had little to no side effects, and I think the insertion process is less dysphoria inducing for a lot of folks too. I don't have bottom dysphoria, but I prefer an implant in my arm than inside my reproductive system lol. Best of luck in terms of deciding on a birth control!

[adoregojo]

1967 ➡︎ isagi.y x reader

IM ALIVE!! YAHOOOOO!! btw i have an exam in a few hours, and here where my sudden passion for writing comes back. anyone enjoy this isagi x reader fic here. btw readers gender is unmentioned.

something was always missing from isagi yoichi's life.

the symbolizes dull blue man remains in his place, examining the disgustingly rich guests passing him with the priceless cologne reeking to his lungs and everywhere making it impossible to ignore and trying to not block his nose holes was a challenge itself.

it was in the fact that he didn't want to be here, the urge to isolate himself eventually loses against his duty. being a man, a soldier who was protecting nothing but the greediest class poor excuse of a human beings.

Isagi would've like to say he was one of hundreds who excepted this job, but he wasn't unfortunately. more like he was pushed into it so his so called comrades could take a free ride out of their job.

he let out a breath, it was just to guard the gate until the show ends, right? he'll just go with the flow for now. like he always does.

half of the shows were ridiculous if you ask him, what was so funny about a man beaming his loathing into dark jokes, isagi could never get the rich humor, not like he ever wanted to. he was sure half of these laughs were focused on and he couldn't find it in himself to even spare a smile.

the other display was a musical performance, a tribute by a group of people spreading imitation melody his ears were abhorrent by. this song was so dusty he couldn't believe that some actually clapped for that. affluent were easy to impress, he guessed.

and for the end and final play was about to begin, and finally he'll be done with this crap and leave this stump of a place. go to the bar and have a drink or two will do that,,

there he could see a somone who was he could guess in is age on the stag peeking nervously behind the curtain, clung to it for your dear life. he couldn't get a good picture out of you nor your face before the show started,,

#1

you took a deep breath in and out, something you do every time to keep yourself at bare minimum of sanity. peeping through wouldn't hurt, but it hits so hard how countless of people were there caused you sudden stomach aches.

the worst part that all of them came out obviously disinterested! not even paring down a glance to the stag you were gonna stand up at in the next six minutes. you were in you twenties and feeling this anxious should've been in the past, well guess old habits die hard.

you told yourself that your were here to give off a show that non of these cheap moneybags that'll never escape one's mind.

even if you felt your soul leaving your body as you step out to everyone's eyes judging from your body to your face and appearance whole, fighting the urge to melt out of humiliation was strong yet you were far capable.

it was now or never.

a dose of confidence washed over you as the music played, it was meant to be a soothing melody that made the audience feel the pure emotion out of every movement you made.

this was your life, to dance. not for others, but for yourself. humans were nothing but just the witnesses to your purpose of existence. this is where you felt alive, closing your eyes to the endless void that grasped you tightly than any other creature could.

guiding the tips of your feet in it meant placement of the dance, where the gravity is losing against you and floating was viable. where no one could tell you what to do with the occult place you rot into.

let them see since that'll be the only thing they can do.

#2

this wasn't like anything isagi saw.

it was not about the music, the audience, it was about the person who managed to take his heart and soul to their performances. every movement made his heart swirling in endless fondness.

he couldn't take his overset eyes off, he couldn't find it in his heart to even blink 'cause if he did so he'll miss it and it'll end before he knows. the depths of his obscure soul felt pure something you only feel when you watch people on the big screen yet it lifted your heart to it.

isagi's mind doesn't process the fact that the melody was long gone and echoing sounds of clapping and cheering were unheard, this is where the world, the universe itself were at a halt.

you raised up from your bowed state. something called, it was begging you to turn around and spare it a glance. and you did unintentionally, there you were meet by the most beautiful set of an eyes adoring you ceaselessly.

you were sweaty and definitely had a few flying out of place locks, but that man tenderly gaze embracing you says otherwise. out of all those people, out of them all he outshined them.

yet the locked eye contact doesn't last, it had to end before you had any chance to talk to him. to even approach him before being dragged out.

#2

well, isagi did end up at the bar he wanted to be in. and it didn't feel this empty before. caressing the glass of hallway wine with his thumb, until he sees his sad reflection on then persuades to hide his face in his arm's elbow. he looked like an old man grieving over his youth. and most of all he felt hopeless.

isagi was mostly selfless, putting others needs over his. but this one time he felt like this is what he needed the most, what his heart yearns for and you were taken away from him in a brief second.

maybe if he wasn't so damn busy memorized he would've managed to move his legs instead of rotting in his place while watching you go.

and what the worst of this all was the so little chance of meeting you again was making him go insane! and above all you were gifted and so, so dazzling and isagi was just.. him. a guy that was way beyond where you stood, just watching you should be a blessing itself.

but that wasn't it, this feeling of deep despair all he wanted was to run back to the stage and look for you. this weirdly strange passionate about someone he just saw was foreign.

all this thinking was making him a madman, ruffling his hair in frustration.

"need a company? looking a bit lonely."

a bit taken aback, isagi's shifted towards the voice. oh, oh. oh fuck, it was you.

he could faint right here and now.

#1

you could faint right here and now.

shit- you couldn't get a grip on approaching the guy, the same guy that you kept thinking about all day living in your head rent free. you were real smooth with your words, weren't?

to be surprise, the man was quite popular. being one of the famous men in his squad, and basically a man of a noble while you were just you, a dancer who travels around the world to achieve your dream.

you figured his name was isagi, isagi yoichi. you burned that name over your head. trying not to call him by his name, to try it out sliding down your mouth. but he would definitely see you as a creep, especially for looking around asking about him.

meeting him again had to be a miracle itself, at first you didn't even want to take a step towards his path. but seeing his drink his sadness away, and deep down you felt if you don't take a step he'll float away forever.

and now he was was sitting there while staring at you aimlessly, did you say something? a bit seconds before he finally spoke. "oh- yeah, i mean sure if y'know, you wanted to. no pressure." isagi stuttered.

you sent him a pleasant smile before taking a seat beside him, as you asked for a cocktail. the heavy feelings of the isagi's eyes pouring on you like he could believe you were actually there. you were glad that the man wasn't drunk yet.

"drinking a lot tonight, huh?" you said, dragging him back out of whatever dreamy place he was in. just then he quickly fixed his posture, it was cute, you thought. he looked like a dork as he cleared his throat.

"i think this is my last one." isagi says, pushing away the glass to get potty over you instead. "um, your performance. it was.. amazing."

"glad you like it, you also did a good job in guarding me." you laughed a bit, it a nervous one since this man words held so much more of a meaning in them you just couldn't handle such words as a little of red creeped into your cheeks.

"psh, it was nothing worth mentioning. i was just standing there while you were, just so breathtaking."

"really?"

"really, really. I couldn't stop staring." isagi cooed, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully. his eyes remained away from you as he said these words, he really hoped they sounded genuine as he felt and not come out as a creep. to his surprise he heard you chuckling, and if it wasn't the loveliest thing his ears are hearing.

"you're just so charming aren't you, isagi?" you didn't even realise the name slipping out, it felt so natural like you were the innate one to chime it.

isagi eyes widen, your rhythmical voice flow which captivate his emphasis of a soul over you. this spark swirling around his entrails making his breaths at halt. when did he become such a nervous wreck? yesterday it was isagi history of spurning the slightest hints of getting in a relationship, due for him finding it difficult to let his feelings flow freely. and the missing flicker was now found by someone who spoke his name once, and he couldn't find his heart to stop pounding so rapidly.

"you know my name?" he somehow managed to let out despite the regarding fact the air ran out from his lungs, yet it came out breathlessly.

you rolled your eyes playfully, "you're kind of popular around here so it wasn't so difficult to find out." said you, twirling the straw of your decayed cocktail, you glance back to see the man huffing a small laugh. he utterly and completely handsome with that carefree smile that you felt like a teenager girl with her silly crush.

"and it's, yn. if you were interested." you added.

if he was interested? like hell he is, the man was down on his knees if that meant getting to know you. fuck, he was so interested that he could drain his soul for you to tell him everything you please. but truthfully, putting a name to such a pretty face felt like a piece of puzzle was getting connected to it perfect place.

"interested? i am honoured i must say, miss yn." isagi had no idea he had this kind of sappy side within him, especially when he made you giggle coyly, and all he can feel is his heart racing. what was he? a teenage boy going all giddy with his crush? he blamed you for making him feel this young again, and damn if it didn't feel good to feel this bloom once again.

and before you even realise it, it was time to end this bright moment. peeking at the clock, you had another show tomorrow and it hits you like a rock. isagi had his own magic to make time go by the blue. standing up slowly you faced the face of a confused man, "i must take my leave. i have a show tomorrow night, and it was lovely talking to you isagi yoichi."

part of you felt dumb, the man was probably just lonely and he'll soon forget about by the day. as much as loving you felt next to him, you were no mind reader to see how he truly felt. you wished you weren't so bad with these things, especially when the wave was telling you that the man ahead of you was a man of a name. how could all your confidence wash away with a small tear of thought.

you could feel the disappointment taking over the soldier's face, as if his face was begging you to stay longer even for a brief second. you were gonna give in, but honestly, would he have approached you if the roles were reversed?

you didn't even let the man finish his sentence before walking fast out of the bar, suddenly the air was suffocating and you took a deep breath. and here it was again, the black void sky hinted by the stars with the moon outshining it. a wave of air hits you making you shrivel, perhaps it was the cold, perhaps it was the shallow you felt.

you wished would turn around and see him, running after you. but what did you expect from this, were your standards truly that high? you were a traveler, you shouldn't connect your heart with anyone's. soon you'll be leaving and be left heartbroken just like every other person did.

what now? you were just standing in the middle of a bar, cold and shivering. that was stupid, you should just go home and get drunk to sleep.

"wait! lady yn!"

you falter at the voice of isagi, did he actually came? were you imagining this? turning around, and in fact you weren't imagining a thing. it was actually isagi huffing and puffing for air, he actually ran all the way here, he ran after you. with his hands on his knees. a last breath before he met your eyes, and all you could think was how his eyes could take over the sky itself.

for a while he just stood there awkwardly, like he doesn't even know why he ran here. before he took off his black coat, taking a hesitation steps towards you. gently warping it around your body, the man handled you so steadily like a you were made of glass he could break by any wrong move.

you grip on the warm fabric, it was slightly bigger than you and so, so balmy. it felt like a hug. you glance back at the man who was staring instantly at you, you felt hot under his strange gaze, like he was eating you whole. you couldn't help but shrinking yourself. quickly he jolted back to his usual self, coughing there and there trying to hide his embarrassment.

"it's cold outside, take this to keep you warm." said isagi, avoiding your face with all costs. you nodded your head. trying to calm your raging heart.

you watch as isagi take a final breath, like he finally decided to what to say next. "um, if you like. i could be your guardian at your next show. whatever it is, I'll be there by your side." he spoke firmly, this time he stood bravely. like a boy confessing his feelings.

you don't know why but you found yourself laughing, laughing so hard you had to cover your mouth. this is what you wished for, the one you waited to follow you whatever you go is standing right in there. a one that'll held on to you for the everlasting. your wish to perform with your most loved one by your side was no longer a beyond reach dream but a meant destiny.

"you have to take me out to dinner first, mister isagi yoichi."

you see as a beam draw it way to isagi's face, you spoke the words he couldn't. he took your hand in his gloved once, it was a perception fit, the missing piece of puzzle, pressing his lips lovingly against your cold knuckles, "only if you wouldn't run away this time, miss yn ln." he chuckled.

and here where your life was completed

have a nice day everyone! wish me luck for my exam ;)

[galacticghoste]

OK im a speak my thoughts on the movie, I'm a try to cover everything i remember

Obviously don't take what I say too seriously it's just my opinion

Spoilers obviously

OK LET ME JUST SAY

I LOVVVVVVEEEEEEDDDD THE MOVIE IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME ME AND MY FRIEND KEPT FAN GIRLING AT RANDOM SCENES AND REFERENCES

Which btw LOVE ALL THE REFERENCES I know i probably missed a bunch but a fun one someone pointed out to me was when sonic say a back to the future quote I didn't even notice 😅

Also Knuckles being afraid of ghost makes sense i keep forgetting i played Adv2 and friend reminded me that oh yeah he dose fear ghost even Casper

"There are no friendly ghost" 🤣

Anyways now MARIA GHAAAAAAAA I LOVED HER SHE SO SWEET AND CUTE AND IT IS NICE TO SEE HER JUST BE A NORMAL KID WHO JUST HAPPEND TO LIVE WITH HER GRANDFATHER and also the fact she roller skates, plays music and dose arts which IM SO GLAD ABOUT HEHEH and was just being a kid was just so sweet

The way she finds a way to get shadow out of the lab and it's by using a teddy bear my HEART and maria being reckless and a bit of trouble maker is SO HER

And and she used shadow as a way to get around faster hit me at my childhood I was shadow as a kid my lil cuz would tie a rope to my bike and I would just bike around as they did nothing. 🤣

BUT LOOK

Idk i feel like the movie needed more time to get more things fleshed out it dosent fully feel like they got everything there

Seeing the film now i understand why Amy or anyone else couldn't be in it their just wasn't enough time

though I already knew this i just felt like complaining about it bc I was grieving the fact they took Amy's scene but since in the movie shadow doesnt lose his memories so Amy wouldn't be able to do much and helping him remember if their nothing to remember it wouldn't be impactful, i do hope they interactat some point they are a cute duo

I think more time was needed too because of Director rockwell, you saw the way she started taking charge and looking like she was gonna take over Commander Walter's place and be new leader it felt like there was gonna be more with her like a betrayal and turn over power to her making herself the leader and those could explain why commander Walter just give the key to sonic bc idk why trust him so easly WITH THE KEY TO DESTROYING THE FUCKING PLANET???

Also the fact the Donut Lord was able to just easly fool her didn't feel satisfying she gave up way to fast for someone who looked like her roles were gonna lead to something even if it was just plane hate for sonic and his friends.

Also I can see why shadow may not like tails Bro literally almost drowned him and stone and interrupted his Novela and didnt even let him eat his "Revenge Guacamole"

(The fact shadow named it that was so CUTE bc ahhh sweet boy my heart!)

Also i do like how shadow remained loyal to Gerald throughout the whole thing really shows how much he cares about the family he as left and how he was fine with dieing if it ment avenging Maria

But I find it interesting that he questions his action a bit late like dude you just now thought about that? I think it would have been better if he questions his action from the beginning but kept using the excuse that this is what Maria wanted or something like that it would given maybe a bit more build up to what Gerald says to him to make him stop questions it

Obviously their no way Maria wanted to destroy the earth even Gerald knew that yet never says it out loud just says "remember what they took from us" and that was enough for shadow to stop thinking about it

Also THE FUCKING FACT SHADOW JUST BEEN LIVING THE SAME NIGHTMARE FOR 50 YEARS HURTS ME POOR GUY

And the fact he says that the sadness was kinda what he got use to and ever knew

(I kin i just dont have nightmares my brain just like to remind me of stuff)

Also did the government just keep him alive bc he was some alien from another planet?

Also he didn't seem to be too young when. He arrived to earth so dose he have amnesia from wherever he was from what was his childhood before maria did he even have one? U would think they would have diesected him and study him while be was put to sleep/frozen for so long

He's been reliving the same events for so long but one day it was enough to wake him up thx to Gerald

Also DOES GEROLD GO TO Comicons?!?! bc ahhh he was saveing that giant arm for it XD

Also speaking on Maria again I'm a bit disappointed by the fact they decide to not cover the fact that Maria was sick or that shadow was supposed to be a cure for her as well as a weapon

I need more scene of the both of them and their lives back in the research facility

I don't think the cover much on him even being the ultimate life form at all or the other experiment or the FACT THEY ARE NOT IN SPACE

I FUCKING KNEW IT I FUCKING KNEW THEY WEREN'T IN SPACE THE SCENES WE GOT WERE ENOUGH PROOF TO SHOW IT HEHHEEHEHEHEH

Its a bit disappointing It doesnt feel as impactful when shadow dose get to step outside for the first time

ALSO I ALREADY WISH WE GOT THE SCENE OF MARIA SAYING SAYONARA AND SHADOW BEING DEPRESSED IN THE TUBE AS HE LANDS TO EARTH

The closest thing to it was when he was captured and tased to enter the tube again and the look of betrayal and sadness and later anger in his face AHHH

His back story in this one is giving Venom vibes with the space rock and him being inside it like its a fucking egg, HE IS LITERALLY JUST AN ALIEN he's NOT SOME SCIENCE EXPERIMENT LIKE WHAT?!?!

Where was he from is he still from the same planet as sonic?

I AM curious on what this will lead to and if we learn more I HOPE WE DO bc that movie did NOT COVER ENOUGH ON THAT SHIT

ALSO THE FACT SHADOW REACTS THE WAY HE DOES WHEN HE SEES SONIC SPECIFICALLY MAKES TOTAL SENSE

HE has never seen another hedgehog

HECK IM WILLING TO BET HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS POSSIBLY ONE UNTILL THEN

HE literally would ask Maria if she's scared of him bc he knows everyone else is afraid of him and was worried Maria may be afraid too AHH POOR BABY (no more monster movies for him)

But yeah a bit disappointed I KNOW THEY AINT GONNA DO EVERYTHING THE SAME IM NOT THAT STUPID BUT IDK I JUST FEEL like they only cut that shit out bc they didn't have time which if that's the case it might as well been a two parter film it would give more time to flesh out the characters and give more impact to emotional scenes

(Who knows if they make TV show it would help cover some backstory on him)

Bc that scene with the commander didn't hit i didn't feel too much sympathy and I know i should but the scene wasn't giveing it for me

NOW A SCENE THAT WAS IMPACTFUL

Was when Gerald said to Egg man "your no Maria" I FELT SO BAD FOR EGG MAN

UGH MY POOR DUDE

No but Literally he was in a orphanage his whole life and he ever bothered to get him

Im guessing egg man was born while Gerald may have been in jail or he just didn't care enough.

He either never knew about him or didn't care bc i know he was in jail but egg man is probably a similar age Maria was back then so him never bothering to get him just means he only cared for Maria and kinda shadow he did say KIDS and instead of Just referring to Maria so I think he still got crazy at some point while in jail.

But I wonder why they Commander lied

Yes their was an accident that could have been avoided but it wasn't because of shadow it was bc some dumb ass who decided to shot at some kids and an old man they missed but it cost Maria her life

also why the hell is shadow not reacting more strongly to Maria's death that was his fucking sister

I DONT THINK I SAW A SINGLE TEAR FROM HIM AND THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE HE IS KNOWN TO CRY AT LEAST A BIT FOR LOSING MARIA BRO SHOULD HAVE BEEN SCREAMING IN PAIN BUT NOPE SILANCE AND ANGER UGHH WHY CANT CHARACTERS CRY ANYMORE not even the memory of it made him cry

Also HOW AND THE HELL IS IT that shadow was just being studied so lightly if he really is and full on Alien bro would have been diesected by now or at least have scars or memory's of it but nope nothing

(YES I KNOW ITS A FUCKING KIDS FILM IM JUST SAYING SHIT would make WAY MORE SENSE IF THEY AT LEAST MENTION IT if they didnt want to show it)

Also i was expecting him to be a bit more edgey i dont mind that he isn't but idk he just seemed depressed the enter movie poor guy needs therapy

I found if sweet that egg man got to expramce everything he missed out of In the film (probably what shadow wanted for him and maria)

Its interesting how shadow and Maria don't have to many lines together it feels like she only talked 1 or twice and that's it i wish their was MORE OF THEM

Also i found it interesting how shadow kept mentioning during their fight that sonic became just like him when it came to revenge and how he kept mentioning that sonic left to fight him against his friends wishes it feels like he saying he shouldn't have made the choice he did kinda like saying he would have done better if he was in his position or like he should be grateful (idk that's just my view on that scene i liked it)

Also the way sonic tells shadow that the pain doesn't go away but he can change the way he views that pain and how he can remember that the love he had for her will always stay

Its sweet but didn't feel that impactful as I thought it would be the word were but idk i think they should have lingered a bit more on the scene or something it feels a bit fast paste at time.

ALSO HAS ANYONE SEEN SHADOWS EYES ARE PINK WHEN HE GOES SUPER?!?!?!?! YESSSSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAHHHHHH

Also LOVE HOW SHADOW AND SONIC BATTLE TOGETHER IN THE END THEY WERE AWESOME

But then in the final part when trying to stop the laser from killing the earth later separate them with sonic kinda takeing the place of shadow falling scene and shadow just goes poof for a bit

bro literally just cares to get a task done and not save anyone he doesnt save stone when their place was flooded and now sonic

Also glad eggman still kinda pissed on the moon

BRO HAD ME WORRIED FOR A MOMENT THAT HE MAY BE DEAD BUT NOPE HE GOOD AHHHHHHHHHHHH AND THE WAY HIM AND EGG MAN DID SACRIFICE THEMSELVES TOO?!?! UGH THE BLISS SHADOW MUST HAVE FELT TO MAYBE REST IN PEACE AND EGG MAN REDMETION ARC WITH STONE WHILE IN AN ARK AHHHHHH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH HE CARES AHH

But I was SO SCARED THAT SHADOW REALLY DEAD IN THAT ONE my friend had to keep reassuring me that he's not dead they wouldn't let him die but i was like BUT THEY COULD?!?!

But nope they were right he alright 👍🏼

OK MY BIGGEST JOY WAS SEEING AMY

FUCKING YESSSSSSSSSSS I FUCKING HAD A FEELING IT WAS GONNA BE HER IT HAD TO BE IF THEY DECIDED TO CUT HER FROM THAT FUCKING FILM AND NOT JUST HER BUT METAL SONIC TOO??? BUT NOW WHO MADE METAL???

I have so many questions not enough answers anyways fuck you I think Amy is important and im so FUCKING GLAD SHE FINALLY SHOWS UP AHH GIRLY IS IMPORTANT and she gonna be a battle machine AHHH

Can't wait to see her reason from fighting all those robots who are METAL!!!

[mrvenuspluto]

The 12 lustful experiences

She was a pulchritude looking breed, like no other. Her smell had me memorized. The way she put her love spell on me... Shit!. I would of thought she was a Scorpio... with all that seductiveness and deep passion. She whispered to me in my ear and told me how she needed it from the back while in the kitchen cooking stir fry! Im lifting, flipping ,smackin and grippin those thick thighs. next thing im eating rice and peppers off her ass while long stroking her then gave her mouth a taste of my yum yum sauce to compliment her meal. Hmmmmm! she gotta be a Taurus!. the way she ate it off my body and cooked a good ass dinner in the process. Something about a cancer Mmmmmm! the way she nurtures my Dick, keeps it warm, secure with her lil hands, very small mouth and delightful honeypot!. She loves the way i kiss it! lick it!, before i Beat it! then eat it like i need it, put my heart into it before i skeet it! look her in her eyes, tell her how much daddy needs it! then leave it!........... All wet like a Tsunami just crept through it. This crazy ass Scorpio had no limit to how deep her throat could go.......until she met me! use to have her ass gagging, coughing, choking, jaws locking up, mouth foaming, tapping out into she fooled me and learn me, scoped me, observed me, disected me then fooled me by finally throating me... WTF! after all those neck sessions she perfected it and swallowed all foot of me!. A scorpio determination is unmatched and priceless just like her head game!. Remember this flexiable Gemini, who could handstand for minutes at a time while sucking me like a blowpop! her favorite position was when i throw her lil ass up in the air and landed her on this fuckn dick head! then spin her lil ass around like a toppys spinny what eva you call it! pussy juice would be everywhere! she would get to ride on him for hours... called her Flexy Pussy!. I dont know what happened to miss Capricorn but she meant Business! with a capital B. I mean real business, she would show up dressed in her work attire, glasses, blouse, and work skirt. She would usually want to take control and tease me while she would slowly stroke my dick and watch me yearn for that wet dripping fat cat! as i would play along with her lil game, not this this time. Big Boss man showed up this time laid her sexy ass out and laid pipe on her ass, hit that cat in ever possible way until i put that pussy in a psych ward. Ohh thats where her lil ass is at till this day!. Met this loud ass Leo one day while she was getting out her red C - class benz. Ass just sittin up and proudful! me and her exchanged digets, next thing im hittin lioness all over the the 29th floor balcony! made her loud ass mouth hits notes while her pussy sang! tested those vocals! now she got daddy a new GLA - 250!

Her superficial ass was all in my grill! rubbing my chest, my chains and fresh drip!. The playa i was i let her lil ass get a dose of this kryptonite! she had a slim body, wide hips and smile that was bright, charm that was right, perfect ass that fit her height. Shit that had to be a lucky libra that was feeling me. What! i hit that poonany like a bad habit, face all against my jewels and shiny wrist band! while she kiss all over my royal ring. Then let her ass finish me off with sloppy neck through my amiri denims, splot !!! all over her fuckn face now you a superficial work of art. While getting treatment in the the hospital met this Virgo nurse that worked there. We conversed then she invited me to her house where she said she would heal me holistically. She wasnt lying she showed me her secret garden, let me taste her passion fruit, lick her nectar while consuming are her heal organic essence. Ive been healed ever since mmmm! I returned the favor and gave her some of my sleepy time meds, Here!!! open wide! say AHHH!!! left her belly full, mood good!!! and tucked her pussy in Goodnight! This unconventional pussy was right and tight!. The way she could squeeze me sooo tight with it and detach from it and squirt while bouncing up and down on my long ass dick while juggling my heavy loaded balls. She did this lil trick, made her tongue wrap around my dick head while stroking me with both hands, while drooling hella saliva all over him! she was very unique in her style and ways, no wonder they called the Aquarius water bearers! she lefted my ballls in a puddle. This long legged, thick thighed Sagittarius! use to love to grind on me while kissing my neck, i would grip her massive strong thighs, lift her up against the rocky mountains when we use to travel and meet each other on a trip, and have our escapades. I would travel deeeeep in that pussy exploring all her geographical locations and areas. Had me searching and going on long journeys inside her foreign pussy to finally locate and hit that G spot without any GPS or maps hit a couple wrong turns hitting kidneys and lower intestines. Soon after back on road straight knowledge and adventurous digging and left her ass laid out on the jet black sand!. She would get into heated arguments just so i could snatch her lil ass up, fold her up and pound her life out! Dick all up in her chest! miss Aries smart mouth ain't saying shit now!. Every time she would try to fix her lips to say something smart i would add a inch of D up in that lil pussy! now she talking gibberish! then i put her lil spark out!. While in yoga class this smooth, silky, thin built, caramel big eyed Picses showed me why yoga class was so important for the mind, body, soul and also others things..... shit the next day she also showed what her feet do! laid me back on her mat, sat down in front of me stretched her legs out, stretched her pretty ass feet then spit all over her hands rubbed it all over the bottom of her feet then gave me the worlds best footjob! felt all her energy and nerve endings contributing towards my well being! then i touched all her chakras and penetrated her solar plexus and finished in her throat chakra! and shot the remaining balance all over her ajna now we soulfully intertwine and divine!

[rt-lots]

who wants to hear way too much info on my thoughts about being medicated/seeing a psychiatrist/going to therapy? read more for more

this isn't a vent post really i just wanna talk about my thoughts. post is under the cut because if people don't wanna be subjected to my brain then they shouldn't have to be.

im in a really weird spot with my mental health treatment right now because i simultaneously am very adverse to going to therapy but also am annoyed with my doctors' recent attempts to change my medication. im getting tired of going on and off stuff and altering my doses and stuff just because im not like... Good? if i understand it right. im BETTER, and id rather leave it at that then keep trying to fix myself.

which is where it gets weird, because i really, REALLY want to be fixed. it's part of why i don't want to do therapy. i just want my brain to be normal and ill handle the rest on my own. but after talking about drug interactions and side effects and my doctor saying i shouldn't be on stimulants long-term, i realized wholly, certainly this time, that no amount of pills are going to "fix" me. not even therapy "fixes" you. its not about getting "fixed". and it's probably the wrong way of going about things, but MY way of going about accepting this is the desire to just stick with what works. im still depressed, but a few missed weeks have taught me that oh my GOD antidepressants help. where im at with my doses and stuff works! at least it has. like im still depressed Whatever but its manageable, and i think im done trying to do better than manageable.

my doctor put me on new adhd meds to replace my stimulants and that's what's got me all in my head about all this. ive been feeling Not Good when before i could've at least been Not Great. its rough because now how am i supposed to even know WHAT im feeling if anything could just be a side effect of my new stuff? my newest pills came with a fucking behemoth list of side effects and background info so i feel like im not really "myself" while im trying it. (its not really helping my adhd, btw. i don't think ill keep being on these for long, so it's hard to even respect my routine while they're a part of it.)

she described the prospect of non stimulant adhd meds to me as being like "if you were a person all the time, instead of just when you take your pill" but it doesn't feel like that at all. everything's just weird and foggy. my days keep blending together and i feel like im getting more and more tired. im up but im not really awake. and i know this isn't a reason to give up on non-stimulants alltogether- this specific pill just doesn't work for me, and that's fine- but my prescriptions are all fucked up now because of it. like, the pharmacy said they were removing my anti depressants because of these new meds?? can they do that??? and i think they like unsubscribed me from adderall or whatever. so if i wanna go back to normal i need neewwww prescriptions and newww meetings and i don't wANNAAAAA I JUST DONT WANNA BRAH.

i wrote this all out a month ago i think and it actually hasn't gotten any better since. my psychiatrist didn't listen to me when i said the adhd meds don't help and prescribed me bubroprion to help me with staying awake. it doesn't do anything for me and everything's just getting worse. sometimes I don't feel like a person. people say things to me and i have to muster up my last bit of energy to put any emotion into my voice so they don't think I'm uninterested. im tired so so much and I'm spending 12 hours a day in bed. My rigorous routine i set up collapses so easily and when it does it's impossible to recover from. If I don't wake up at 7 my day is completely wasted. im running out of options. i just want to go back to my prior medication. I don't know what is side effects and what is depression and what is some other third thing but I don't even care, I want to go back to when things felt better than when they felt worse. Because fuck, I'm trying so hard and it's getting worse. I don't care that it's nonlinear. i feel like no one even takes it seriously how debilitating this is. i don't enjoy doing anything except engaging in interests and hyperfixations i don't have the energy to engage in. im so so tired. im not doing "not good" I'm doing BAD. my psychiatrist told me she didn't want to give me adderall just so I could sit on my computer all day but im not even awake enough to do that anymore. im so tired. I don't know what to do

[hannibalcatharsis-zero]

I normally don't write these anymore or quite like this but I'm tired

I don't know if it's the meds or just me, possibly both. Yesterday I was told these meds seem to put me on a lower mood, which was definitely the point since the last ones I was basically in manic constant and felt super nice but couldn't focus and so I was actually overmedicated and it wasn't a healthy "good", just the equivalent of being on a manic episode if I was bipolar, which so far Im not. So the meds were changed to balance the hype, and at first I wanted to double the dose because I was getting worse and the good wasn't good anymore, but I couldn't do that.

Now apparently they've caught their effects up but what was meant yesterday was that I'm more depressed again so yeah

Is this all chemically induced or just me? Am I just gonna get my period or something?

I don't write for 10 months. I was cool with that for the longest time, but now I feel Im missing out. I read old stuff of mine and i felt like coming back. I tried translating today and I feel null.

I've been sewing these past months. All cool at first, but now I'm understandably tired. I wanted to make plushies but they feel like they'll be more of the same. But I was really looking forward to that.

I wanted for weeks to do a wig base and when I did it and it went well, I realized I couldn't go in a Uber or bus with that on due to shame and though I easily saw I just habe to dress at a con, I felt super overwhelmed with something that should have made me feel happy

I can't focus on anything, I am overwhelmed with things to do but nothing feels good enough

I started another wig and I'm kinda wanting to glue it but let's see

A family member died and I felt something, yeah, just not for the deceased.

Today is an important date and I just don't feel what I want to

I just want to lie down

I feel if I only organized myself everything would be much better and I wouldn't have what to complain about

I'm getting paranoid again and it's getting worse I hear what people will say in my head that they hate me its getting worse

Is this all chemically induced or just me. There's more going on and it's probably the hubris of the issue but let's must keep this as little personal as possible on the internet

Oh forgot to add a good song Bury the light mashup

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Girl, im in the same boat as you. After the pandemic, things are finally starting to pick up pace for me and I began this year busier than ever. My twitter account was starting to collect dust and spiderwebs, and I said ok, perhaps this is it. It may be time for me to find a different hyper fixation or a new hobby. But these bitches saw me walking out the door and pulled me back in. See? Now this is why I got into kpop. It takes so little to make a woman's heart soften, and yet most days I had to sit through the most unhinged and boring drama ever. Listen, I just wanna be entertained, is that too much to ask?

Well, today it looks like my prayers have been answered. I woke up to some delicious baemin content. Loved that they showed us a little bit of the rehearsal, and have you seen how jimin talks to his hyung? I don't know how taeyang deals with the urge to pick him up and take him home. He's so strong and brave 🫡 then we finally got the live jimin has been promising since last year and i cant believe he keeps getting prettier and cuter every time i see him. How can a grown ass man be that cute and lovely? And he keeps talking about how much he's working and all the things he's preparing... honestly I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but really when it comes to jimin i cant help but get excited. And then, jk's weird ass back at it again! which i was especially glad for because I missed his live yesterday AND with the addition of jimin's comments?? he really got me feeling things ngl I was giggling and kicking my feet, I can't say I wouldn't pay them money just to see jimin tie jungkook's hair. I'm just a girl you know...

So yeah, just like that, I missed a good chunk of my morning looking for translations and staring at my phone like a dumbass. Maybe some other day i will find a more productive way to waste my time, but for now it looks like I'll stick around 😮‍💨

Girl!

We're having almost the same experience 👀

In my case, I don't need another hyper fixation or anything. I've had enough of such intensities since 2020, but as you said, mostly it's just witnessing mindless drama and the usual bullshit. And on top of that, in terms of the music and other content, what is there left for now? I've been through almost everything BTS. I'm not gonna write about the same thing until I get grey hair. Which means I'm left with paying attention to the solo projects. And since life's too short for me to spend time writing or watching what people do, especially if I don't care much about them, I'm left with the biases. Jungkook is on a break (those saying he's not getting work because the company doesn't offer him opportunities are simply demented) and the only one left is Jimin. And his solo work is starting to pick up and it's really the only relevant thing right now for me.

The problem is that it's become a habit. Keeping up to date through social media, which means that as much as I try to avoid it, I still have to see things and people against my own will and I'm too far into this thing and in my life in order to pretend that I still want to pay attention and write about it. I mean, lately I've made my position even clearer than it was before because it just doesn't matter at the end of the day. I'm in a speeding train caught on fire and at some point I will have to jump. Because I know what awaits me out there. Instead of reading and debating daily fandom bullshit, I can dedicate more of my time to watching films and pick up my dusty books from the library, knowing that there's no way I can be as disappointed as I feel after 2 hours in bts/fandom spaces. I need that dose in order to remind myself that there are things that bring me joy and I don't have to witness stupid people writing nonsense on twitter.

I also have fun here, with its ups and downs. But there's the risk of becoming repetitive and that's the death of passion. No thank you.

And then there's days like this in which it's fun again, starting with that performance rehearsal and ending it so nicely. I missed it. Like you said, I want to be entertained. That's all. And that includes everything, from frivolous aspects like watching JK eat chicken on a vlive, to a song release, a Fashion Week appearance or putting out a fascinating portfolio.

[kiowo]

@basyacriptid

OK! SO IVE BEEN ILL ABOUT THIS SINCE I GOT VER MOON, AND ITS SO COOL THAT MY FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME BECAUSE THE DRAGON IS SUPPER LIMITED (like 1% hatch base, with maybe 2% after doing every mission during the event) AND HAVEING LEGENDARY (color changing) EYES AND COLOR?? DUDE IT WAS WILD THEY GOT IT FOR A FEW COLOR POTS AND A MUTATION POTION AND DIDNT COUGH UP THE 500K+ AND I GOT IT BY GIVING MY FRIEND A MUTATION POT!! IT WAS ON AUTION AND THEN THEY AGREED TO SHIFT THIER OFF WHITE VER TO MATCH WAS SO COOL!! (which probably wont be part of the story, but if it comes to me vividly/ peer pressure, it may,,,)

illness aside, the fluffy dragons i was referring to are Saur(ium)s, theyre beginner dragons now in game, and before that they were the first actual world dragon with Tigers, the one i have on hand is pinata with 3/5 mutations (one i vividly know is those whiskers, but there could be some leg fluffs too)

if i did [Name] as a dragon, i wouldve drawn them pure white with the whiskers mutation, but wouldn't describe anything for insert purposes. kinda same for [Name]'s dragon, but theyre an important character, but not a Main character so i dont have to go in depth describing them .

NOW THIS BAD BOY!! im changing some things up about them, like larger horns, less fluffy with quills (have the leg quills, but missing the neck/back ones), more of batlike wings/less feathers, and generally more predatory aspects (nightjar like mouth opening and rows of teeths), he has legendary eyes and color like i said in the insane rant, so im putting that in as a camouflage hunting thing, and a mood type of thing too, so he can just,,,,be pink

his breath is Dream (fitting lol), so he can put people to sleep if the mist hits someone, but in small pumps its a harmless vape cloud which gets Sun so pissed

these are the only pics of Sun i have on hand, but theyre a lot fluffier, smaller horns (one point), more bird like wings and have the six ears around the head like Fungi's Sphinx Sun. they have double Neon, so they can control thier light for a few minutes, but it gets brighter when theyre happy. thier breath is Sakura, and in larger, heavier doses you become docile/relaxed, and in smaller mists you generally get happier.

[pangeasoftware]

every thought I can put together about my life right now

im pilled out right now over a back injury. i'm 26 years old. i've seen myself become a progressively worse and more wanton person over the last year and it's definitely kicked into high gear the last 6 months. any semblance of routine has left my life, i'm off my meds because they were making me have psychotic delusions about how the west is trying to trigger the biblical apocalypse eventually culminating in israel invading gaza & the west bank & building the third temple in 2025, 77 years after the founding of the israeli state etc. etc. (this was 2-3 years ago, funny enough these thoughts have completely taken a backseat as things intensify.) and i was very principled and altruistic. I was working out 3+ times a week i was cooking. I was at peace with all of my interpersonal relationships and making friends at a steady pace. I finished a song. All of my friends left town when I hit 26. I visited some of them after the fact but got drunk and tried to break into their place because my gf left her purse there before they ditched us and they got mad at me and we haven't talked since. last two months i've been going to parties but only really hitting it off with like, young girls which is not who i want to be surrounding myself with because there is no common ground outside of a party setting and it is just kind of sus behavior, also probably an indicator of where i'm at in terms of maturity, most people my age or older are like well known in the community or already have friends or talk about stuff at their college-educated jobs that I don't know about or look at me weird for how im acting or what I choose to talk about because i'm not very bright or plugged in. I started really phoning it in at my job where i'm supposed to be taking care of vulnerable people. at this point i spend probably most of my workday on my phone. i used to be really on top of things. I don't do it out of a sense of entitlement or anti-employer principle or anything it's entirely a lack of self control and nobody's there to stop me. I'm going to community college classes where i'm always the oldest person there who isn't retired. i've been going to these entry-level classes for almost a decade and it makes me feel really stupid. My relationship with my partner who i love and have been with for also almost a decade has been better lately, but over these last six months at times it has been worse than it has ever been, solely because I can't figure out what I want and can't appreciate what I have. I have sunk into a deep pit of lonely indulgence in response to feelings of anxiety about the passage of time (meaning: taking stimulants to feel better, drinking all the time, jacking off, eating eating eating eating eating). I think what happened is that the

passage of time finally became impossible to ignore. from 2020-2023 my life was frozen in a bucolic crystalline lattice of domesticity that i had a sense of gratitude for that felt limitless, unending in the same way that I had an endless stretch of time on the clock. I felt ahead of the game in a lot of respects. I had found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, every day I was making meaningful connections with new people, I had done my time at a job I found tolerable and sufficiently compensatory and was making the transition to an even better one. I finished a song or two. I started getting tired of the patterns of discontent, then pleasure, then fear, then gratitude that tessellated to form my interface to the things in front of me and asked to be put on a mood stabilizer. After weeks of steady unease i forgot two doses two days in a row and plunged into a deep and unfamiliar well of fear and resentment. Every thought I have had about the passage of time over the last three to six to eight to eleven years aligned to a point- I missed the boat/I am not where I should be at this point in time/I have wasted the entirety of my youth, the wick has submerged/the time has passed for every fantasy I had about what I could be or do or create or who I could surround myself with when i was "older," "grown up," or "had the time to develop myself."/there is no longer a single thing to look forward to, because you have missed all of the inflection points to pivot your life toward where you wanted it it to be. Thoughts I had when I was 22 and wasn't watching the clock as i should have been - "if i am still in school by the time i am 26 [something will have gone terribly wrong - this is a state of failure]." I think that maybe what was sustaining me through the years of wandering inaction/fulfilled contentment was the thought

that I would always have time to do the other things, these other lives aren't mutually exclusive to experiencing this life. this is maybe one of the biggest copes I have ever engaged with, it is a thought I have

maybe hundreds of times a day. I can still do the other thing later, I want to do this right now, this is easy. I can do both things. I can indulge myself and I can be the person I want to be. I can waste as much time as I like and still look back at the end of the day and be happy with how I spent it.

Every day is a clean slate for me, there is no time like the morning because it represents a perfect, unblemished chunk of time ready for me to: 1) ideally set my affairs right and fulfill my ambitions 2) actually thoughtlessly devour, only to wonder what happened when faced with the empty plate in front of me. i think this pattern follows to every other ephemeral thing in my life. the realization of potential is a little death every time/a completely lossy process. it doesn't matter that something real became of it, it was better before it condensed because it represented so many different possibilities that could not coincide.

I don't have anybody to "look up to" anymore. Nearly anyone who as accomplished the things that I want to do, especially creatively, got it done when they were my age or younger. The time has passed and there is now a concrete veil between my path and theirs, because I spent my time differently. it's a really bad feeling. I put a lot of effort and thought into the idea of making music. It's all i want to do when I don't have the time, and the last thing that I want to do when I do have the time. I was okay with resigning it to a hobby for a number of reasons. I was at peace with the fact that I will not be able to make the things I want to make, I felt like I fully understood that there were other, much, much more important things to do with my life. I understood that the casual relationship I had with it was what kept it fulfilling and healthy. but these I think were also held in place by the understanding that "there will always be time later." My father is a failed musician, a chronic abuser, a man who suffers regular bouts of religious psychosis, and is shitting in diapers because of his drinking habit because of a lot of this. that's another thing that kept me at a safe distance from these ambitions. I didn't want to grow bitter and resentful of the actual people and places and things that made up my life because they stand in opposition to a [idealized, meaning holding infinite internal complexity and potential as discussed earlier] configuration where I got what I wanted out of myself creatively.

I'm at a point where I don't really know what comes next. I got about as far as I had mapped out, and what happened in that time didn't span the entirety of the self-conflicting imaginary that mapping consisted of, and i feel cheated because of it. because of this feeling, I'm getting mixed up and trying to push buttons because I want to feel some kind of agency in my life and i think i'm going to get taken out if i succumb to that impulse.

[sxoirserxnan]

To you-

You've gotten me into waxy poetry and I feel like doing our favorite if not rarest hobby, writing letters to each other.

My memory become a bit foggy it's been so many years now babe but wasnt it in a letter all those years ago I finally confessed the truth everyone knew.

Deemed it only appropriate I wax the next chapter of us in it too.

See the first chapter as I see it was the harsh denial of love. With maybe a hefty dose of getting under your skin to know simply I could get under your skin. That I had some effect on you. Harshly juvenile but deeply effective. All heart fluttering yet terrified to admit it because what if you did feel the same. It change everything. Who knew one blonded mane would hold all the wit and wisdom - and yes dare say - kindness of a friend I would need.

Then there was the newly minted love. The fresh young committed love where you have to tell everyone, but in reality we were both a mix of excited and terrified. Wanting big dreams to come true in the future, eager to make them happen because if it didnt with this person then it felt like the end of everything. We did have fights then but at the end of every one of them I came back to strong comforting arms. I never give enough credit to how you look when you are dreaming of something. Its one of my favorite looks on you.

Then there is wedded love. The one where we both realized we were actually building something together. Do you know as a married couple we have technically fought all of zero times? None. People be shocked to hear that. You know Im a deep convert to -if a couple needs a disagreement then they must hash it out. But there was no disagreements, no rough patches just constanty there. You are the missing puzzle piece to me because you know the concern before I speak it and you know the way out of it. Just as I desire for you. You are the steady in the storm.

Which leads me to my next phase of our love. Down to the bone love. You know since that big huge fight where we planted a tree- you know the one, Ive never since then doubted a thing about us. Nothing I just knew. I just knew this was the way things should be even if you know baby was something I was optional on us adding in at the time. But I still mean those first words, I see the father of my children I see you.

The reality is I need not concisely observe how in love with you I am. Some part of me wakes up every day and inherently knows it at this point. We are by definition an old married couple but far from boring. Evry day spent with you is a another glimmering island my love.

That if by the odds of fate we end up some day apart I know we truly wouldnt be. You are a part of me. So inherently my friend and comfort before all else- I'd never want to lose that and I know I never will. I love you Jack. So wholly you have no idea.

XO-

S

@lowdenofdreams

[thegeminisage]

i've decided to start in central hyrule & work my way outward re: shrines & seeds. reason: i am weak af and if i do this i will collect materials along the way which will help me upgrade my armor, or at least give me something i can cook and/or sell, and seeds and shrines will help me with weapons/health/stamina. win/win/win if collecting korok seeds doesnt make you wanna end it all

obviously i am gonna have to do this in Small Doses. i'm thinking every x number of seeds/every area i stop and do one of the sidequests in my backlog to keep it interesting

i'm on the other island next to hyrule castle looking for the chasm the map swears is here. i'm starting to wonder if i cant sneak into hyrule castle via these, even though there's a wall, because there's a deep spot on the other one. i am not <3 going to find out

so it is Not here. i can't find any sort of cave entrance or anything it could be in, like the other one...does it unlock later...? is this too part of the fifth sage quest

eigh the hyrule castle music coming it. stop i know i know im too close!!!! such different vibes from the deceptively peaceful central hyrule of botw...

IF OUND THE CAVE!!! ANOTHER FROX!!!!!!! i'm scared!!!!!!!!!!

OH EWWWW WHEN YOU'RE IN THE AIR IT TRIES TO CATCH YOU IN ITS MOUTH THAT IS SO GROSSSSS

i used. almost literally. every weapon i had left. i have like a fire wand a mining stick and two shitty swords. what the fuck what the fuuuck

luckily there's a lightroot like right here. i saw it when i got in but i was Uh. busy.

well there is fuck all else down here so now my new priority is finding weapons. i know lookout landing has some...hinoxes usually carry good ones...AUGHGHGH

god the ones here SUUUCK i am in such trouble.

i cant fight a hinox with no weapons...so thats out

maybe a construct camp...? i could start in the great sky islands. literally back 2 basics

luckily i still have lots of arrows and many good strong bows, so i can use that to my advantage

took out a construct camp. got one (1) Pretty Good sword

okay, with some fusing i now have 2 pretty good swords, one pretty decent sword, and two shitty ones, plus a fire rod, mining stick, and...an actual stick, that i picked up off the ground, just in case. i think i can work with this

landed in the deya village ruins! i've been wanting to poke around here actually...then i'll get back to central hyrule lol

very nostalgic...this is where i got my first blood moon in botw...since it was already night, the ruins were creeping me out, they remind me of a spooky location in okami. and i had no idea what was happening when the sky went red and the music changed because i hadn't seen the red moon rise, i was looking at the ground!! it really freaked me out lol, i'll always remember it

yooo there's a shrine in this well!!!!!

there's a talus down here KICKING my ass. his little thingy is on his back and i never know how to defeat those 😭

I MISS STASIS >:(

got him. jesus fuck

on the bright side this is another cool thing to add to my weapons. my supply is refilling itself rather nicely

back in central hyrule and i found a little island absolutely COVERED in flint and arrows. environmental storytelling.........not sure WHAT story they're telling but i see them telling it

OHHH my god. when i was flying over. some gloom hands just. SPAWNED BENEATH ME. TOTALLY SOUNDLESSLY. AND NOW I'M STUCK UP HERE BC IF I GET DOOOWWWWWN

this is the thing. this is the thing. when i said "guardians are scarier" i'm not implying these motherfuckers are not scary. bc they are. but u have to understand my first encounter w guardians was a complete and total surprise. just, bam, piano, YOU'VE BEEN SPOTTED, the sheer terror of fleeing for cover

but the hands. everyone talked about the hands before i got there. i saw them spawn down at the bottom of the labyrinth at a good distance away. i had time to absorb what was coming and it was not remotely a surprise

and then they spawned in the dark, without a single sound

and then they spawned UNDERNEATH ME, without a single sound

THERE IS NOT EVEN MUSIC PLAYING RIGHT NOW. EVERYTHING JUST WENT SILENT.

these are the antithesis of guardians. a guardian will scream its presence at you and the scream makes you wanna duck and cover. the hands will be killing you before you even know they're there. anytime anywhere no warning whatsoever. it's apples and oranges. they're both fucking scary

anyway i can't get down from here.

i can't get down and i do not want to fight them I Do Not Want To I Do Not Want To I DO NOT WANT TO

if i wait long enough, will they despawn...?

ok no. i gotta go for it. im so scared

went for it, made it, barely. the music didn't start but they looked up with their horrible eyes and they were on their way to me. i went over a hill and i stopped hearing the sound effects and now i hear normal music again but i sort of have to go that way a teensy bit to get ym korok seed and i'm too scared. what if they're still there! when do they despawn!

ok. i'm gonna go for it and if i see even a hint of them i'll fast travel away >:(

absolutely zero signs of them of COURSE it's way too far away but some chuchus jumped out at me and scared me shitless

at least guardians don't keep scaring you AFTER THEYRE GONE. theyre def cooler tho

okay i have to quit now bc it's bedtime and also for my own mental wellbeing. EUGH those hands!!!!!

[countdown-123]

61 days until my surgery

happy new year!

it's honestly really nice to have something to look forward to in the coming year. it helps with the sort of bummed out new year this has been

I went to a small (3 people) party to celebrate nye. we smoked and drank and played board games. we had a good time for sure, but it was so odd turning on the TV to watch the ball drop. there was no one on the stage performing in New York, and all the shots were just really tired people trying to be energetic because the camera was pointed at them. there was someone who sang imagine right before the ball dropped, then they showed two old people kiss for like a minute straight then a 2 second shot of two guys kiss lmao. weirdest and most depressing ball drop ever honestly

but it was nice to ring in the new year with friends, and I always love a chance to smoke and drink with others.

im celebrating the new year by my self a bit by getting food at my favorite restaurant today. usually it's way less busy here but I should have expected they would be busy since they're one of the few places open on the holidays

I really hope I don't get sick

I've been doing so well, masking at work and in public as much as possible. with everyone else sick from the holidays I have been feeling hopeful that I'll avoid the worst of it but this might be the end of my run

honestly I deserve a few days off work since all my coworkers got sick and left me to do work with less help

whatever it doesn't actually matter

I have a couple of new years resolutions, tho I think the word resolution is a stretch here

the first one is I want to eat something whenever rim hungry. this isn't a new goal but I'm reaffirming it. I've been doing worse in the past few weeks cause I'll just come home from work and sleep until my next shift. falling asleep slightly hungry isn't hard but I'm too used to it and I know it's not healthy. I've always struggled with eating enough, due to both trauma and autism related food avoidance issues. I never knew I had an eating disorder cause I didn't have issues with my body image (related to food at least - dysphoria is a different thing). but I do have very disordered eating. for a long time I didnt feel hunger because I had ignored the feeling so much that it didn't trigger in my brain. it's taken years for me to work from "no hunger feeling - just random headaches and shaking" to today when I said "oh I'm starting to get hungry, I should eat before I actually get hungry". it's been a long journey, and im not done yet, but it was a great feeling today to realize how far I've come. my goal for the new year is to recognize that trigger early, like today, and then act on it. that means I have to keep easy food accessible, so I have to go grocery shopping soon haha

another resolution is im not smoking now that the new year is starting. my surgeon says no smoking a month out, but I want to make my recovery easier, and I think swapping to edibles is better for me anyway (and not much of a hardship, at least I can still get high). that reminds me, I do need to go to the dispensary again and get some other edibles once they open back up. I want to get something low dose I can micro dose on. if I'm being honest I'm gonna miss hitting my pen at work and I wish there was an edible that could give me that little bit of something like a pen. probably not a good thing to want but that doesn't stop the desire. (I love to take a few hits of my pen before I do some cleaning, it's just a nice chill time. not great to do before making food, I can't work as quickly when I'm high and then I get stressed with orders coming in)

lots of people make new years resolutions that are very black and white. they want to stop doing something or start doing something. I think that's the wrong way to do it because if they mess up once many people give up entirely. I prefer resolutions that are intention based. I have the intention of eating more regularly this year, but I'm not going to attach any details to that resolution so I literally can't fail. as long as I eat when I'm hungry once this year (done) I've succeeded (yay!). the resolution acts more as a reminder to myself, and I prefer that over traditional resolutions. honestly Atomic Habits is a great read if small improvements over time is more your style, it helped me a lot with actually doing the things I want to do

well I'm finishing up my meal here (writing when not on my break at work!? wow, this might literally be the first time I'm doing this) and I'll need to drive home soon so I should finish this up.

happy new year, I hope you can find small ways to make your day better each day