#its not something im proud of anymore and i dont care for the attention i got
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fantastic-mr-corvid ¡ 5 months ago
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im only about a thousand words off have posted more words on ao3 this year so far than last year and the year before combined... and im so so much happier with ever single piece of writing!
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girl-bateman ¡ 6 months ago
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷‍♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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meracyn ¡ 29 days ago
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aaaahahhhj ur already one of my fav writers ur so funny 😭 reading ur work makes my dau sm better
if u dont mind can u write hcs of kaito being shuichis wingman? shuichi tells kaito he has feelings for the reader but is too nervous to ask them out, so kaito decides to take matters into his own hands and help him plan moments where shuichi can confess his feelings
also can I be mochi anon?
kaito as shuichi’s wingman
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THIS MADE ME SO HAPPY TYSM I CANT STOP RUNNING LAPS AROUND MY HOUS TY ANON AND YES YOU CAN 🙏 btw this request is so CUTE UGH i might do a fic of it too
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off topic but i was about to post this accidentally lmao
ok sorry giys back on topic
when kaito hears shuichi tell him he has feelings for you, he immediately whacks him on the back, congratulating him
“congrats shuichi! you’re becoming a real man!”
cue shuichi debating whether or not he regrets ever telling kaito about his lil crush
now when they both see you around, kaito tells him to go up to you and just confess
“oh look there’s y/n! go ahead and tell ‘em how you feel!” like some dad or something
shuichi refuses, feeling too nervous to even go up to you, so he tries to avoid you and kaito’s pressure to just confess already
which might give you the wrong idea that he doesn’t want to talk to you :(( he’s just so overwhelmed with his feelings that being around you makes his heart want to burst
its ok though kaito motivates him by giving him long pep talks and support, thinking about ways shuichi can get your attention and like him back
although they both dont know you already do lmao
it does help shuichi but his confidence goes away the moment he sees you
“okay i think i got this now, im nervous but im sure i can tell them how i feel”
kaito feels so proud and pushes shuichi further as soon as they spot you nearby
“you got this! remember what i taught you!” kaito says to him before going to hide somewhere to watch the scene unfold
shuichi nervously walked over to you and took a deep breath, closing his eyes
“hey shuichi, do you need something?” you asked with a smile
as soon as he opened his eyes it all went away
poof
just freezes entirely not saying anything
“are you okay?” you asked after a solid minute
“i....have to go” ran off lmao
kaito is so disappointed 😔
“you almost had it man! it was your chance! what would y/n think about you now?” kaito sighs
so now they have to think of another plan
kaito probably turns into a secret detective, watching you from afar to see what your likes and dislikes are
has to be careful or he’ll be called out as a stalker 😭
as soon as he knows enough he gives ‘hints’ to shuichi
“oh wow, looks like something y/n would like” trying to be all sneaky about it
kaito would also “arrange” hangouts between the three of you and suddenly give some shitty excuse to leave you both alone
“you have to learn my son”
“kaito what the fu–”
jk that wouldnt happen
imagining shuichi saying that though is so funny for some reason
sorry i got distracted
back on topic
scolds shuichi for chickening out at the last moment, saying how he had a lot of work to do and stuff
eventually gets tired of shuichi’s bullshit
“alright shuichi do you want to earn y/n’s love? then man up! you aren’t some little kid anymore to run away from your feelings, today is the day you’ll confess, got it? i’ll help you out”
kaito makes shuichi write you a note and leave it in your locker, about meeting each other at the school’s rooftop
before you arrive kaito supports him by telling him what to say, and act towards you
“listen shuichi, this has to be perfect, ya hear me!? it’s now or never! if you don’t man up now, someone else will steal them, do you want that?” kaito got stressed too 😭 mans wants this to be over with already
as you got there, shuichi was standing there mentally preparing himself
“the view is so pretty from up here” you said, trying to make conversation
shuichi took a deep breath, “yeah..um, y/n, i invited you here because...well...uh...i need to tell you something” shuichi starts, trembling slightly
this guy is sweating bullets and his face feels so hot
you, on the other hand was patiently waiting for what he had to say
“..i admire you a lot. there’s so much to admire about you, really–” taking a deep breath he continued, “from your strength, to courage and kindness.. and..because of that.. i developed feelings for you...what i mean to say is i like you y/n, more than a friend”
silence
he did it
HE DID IT‼️‼️‼️
kaito can barely contain his excitement as he silently cheered, he just has a sense that told him shuichi did it
you may imagine what your response is lol
shuichis so happy now
RELIEVED ASF
‘i finally did it, they like me back what do i do now so i hug them or ask if we’re officially together or or or’ — shuichis mind rn
“well..do you wanna go out for a coffee sometime this week? just the two of us together?” you asked
“ah..of course” shuichi is so happy he doesnt even know how to act
all giddy and shi lmao
hes probably the type to scream into his pillow when he gets a text from his crush out of happiness
and acts as if nothing happened afterwards
he needs to show he can be a dominant male 🐺
jokes jokes dont hate me pls
we cant just casually ignore the fact kaito was a w wingman
so once he gets out of his ‘hiding’ place hes already whacking shuichi on the back and saying they need to go out to celebrate
kaito is w
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rainydayrina ¡ 1 month ago
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A little fic based off the SWD transphobia claims because i think they're wrong.
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Shi wudu had always been a proud man. His image itself had an aura of respectability about it and he was rather happy to wave around his athority like a fan.
So when his disapproving gaze met shi qingxuan's altered form at a festival, most chalked it up to pride and reputation. Having your brother running around in womens court robes certainly wasnt a casual event for a man like him, surely it was a matter of imagine, and he was happy to let them all believe that. after all, a cracked vase is filled with gold, and this vase had certainly cracked.
But the truth was, had anyone else decided to fumble around with their gender, he wouldn't have batted an eye at all, this innate disgust he held was not of humiliation but of concern.
His darling brother, the one he had spent his life protecting, the one he sacrificed for, the one he spent countless hours learning to braid and style feminine hair for, just to keep him disguised and out of harms way.
His brother spent most of his mortal life wrapped up in women's clothes solely for the sake of survival and to shi wudu, these were chain and he could no longer bear to watch his brother drag around the chains of his old life.
"Qingxuan, we need to talk" his voice holds a deep authority, something he couldn't help
Deep in within the confined walls of temple FengShui, lies a storm, both water and wind are needed to form such a thing. Yelling and dancing around the issue in an intricate waltz, one they had done before, neither side wanting to give in and show their golden cracks. It goes like this every time and with nothing settles, old scars only rub to make new wounds.
He couldn't understand, he couldn't bear it, he couldn't make sense of any other reason Qingxuan would do this and finally thr truth came pouring out and the vase was broken.
"Qingxuan! You DONT have to keep doing this!" A fit of rage, a fit of failure because he feared he had. A man of his position didnt have the luxury to cry and still you could hear in his voice the welling in his eyes."Are you scared still? You don't have to be scared anymore..." his voice was raw and wavering"Ge took care of it..... you dont have to be afraid or hid anymore, Ge fixed it all, youre safe now... Qingxuan, youre safe now"
A soft hand hand on his brothers face, the hand of a mother, of someone who raised kin, who has bleed for someone and starved for someone and given their life for someone
And now it was Qingxuan's turn to not understand. Had their brother really thought that's what this was all about, hiding? They felt frustrated and weak by the idea that this was only a way to cope, it was far more."GE, I LIKE THIS!!"
They shout, trying to burn it in wudu's brain "This is real..... its me, and for once in my life im not afraid anymore. I know im safe, i know ive been saved.... Ge, i do it because i like it, because im not one thing anymore." They spill out a jumble of emotions, teary and soul bare"Im both.... and im neither and im everything and im just ME!"
They softly look up to meet their brother's gaze, expecting that scolding look they'd seen so many times, only to immediately be caught up in an embrace.
Qingxuan had hardly ever been hugged. As a child, she was kept at arms length, cared for physically but not always emotionally. She always felt unsatisfied. And by the time they reached the heaven's, shi wudu had a reputation and couldn't hold him anymore.
Qingxuan was the type to clung to anyone who showed them attention but this was different, with their face buried deep into Ge's shoulder and hot tears on the silk robes, their soft voice broke the silence.
"Ge.... do you still love me??"And the water tyrant only pulled him closer, petting their hair
"You're the only thing i love" he murmurs "the only thing i care about and the only thats important. Ill sacrifice everything for you again and again" "but dont let that get to your head, okay"
The soft sounds of laugher and the room is flooded with warmth "Qingxuan, if you want to..... be a woman sometimes, its okay with me, just promise two things, the first is that you'll tell me if anything is wrong" he speaks gently Qingxuan nods, that was an easy promise, when things got tough, they couldnt help but talk anout it
"And the second?"
"DON'T EVER, and i mean EVER, let pei ming flirt with you"
A break of silent....
"Ewwwww!! Geeee!" Pulling back to playfully shove him"Like I'd ever, im not interested in someone who is ⅓ tumour....." they whine but they laugh all the same.
And the vase is lined with gold.
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samthequeer81 ¡ 7 months ago
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First fic! Kirishima x M!snake hybrid kid reader. 😊
When you were younger, you were always different because you were a snake hybrid. No shelter wanted you, leaving you in the streets. Many abused you and didn't take care of you the way you needed because "you were to difficult to care for" people had always told you and others. So that's how you found yourself here. In a old, run down, bad shelter, not even they want you here. You sat on a heating pad as curled into a ball to sleep another day away. Other children and adults of many different hybrid species played around you as you were in the public room. Humans and other power filled apex hybrids came in to play with them, ignoring or even cowering away from you even though you were sleeping. Its because Im a snake people dont want me. That's what other kids had told you and you believed it. The sound of the bell never got your attention anymore so you didn't bother looking up when you heard someone enter the room, or did someone leave? Who are you to care? Until you heard a voice right in front of you.
"Wow..."
a red hair boy walked up to you. His Crimson eyes bore into yours, practically looking into your soul, but not in a creepy or disturbing way? Maybe? It looked kind, An expression you weren't familiar with.
"you have a tail, with scales. By any chance are you a snake hybrid? Those are very rare."
the boy said with a smile. You just look at him like he's stupid. Honestly, you were scared, nervous and very confused on why he was talking to you, saying you were "rare." Kirishima looks confused now.
"did I do something wrong? Your not answering me..? Are you mute or something? Or did I make you upset? Im sorry of I did"
The boy started mumbling apologies as he tried to figure out why you weren't responding. He eventually got up and left. Only moments later he returns the his original shit eating grin he had when he originally walked in
"so I talked to a worker and they said they said they have never heard you talk. Why is that? Can you talk? All I need is a head shake or nod to know"
The boy said with a polite smile. He was being very kind and patient with you, something your not used to. You decided to get over your fear and speak for once in however long.
"yes.. I can talk" you hiss out quietly, barely able to hear it. Kirishima smiles widely, giving you a proud look
"You can? That's awesome!" He sat down next to you "My name is kirishima. Eijiro kirishima. What's your name?" you dont respond immediately
"My name is Y/N.. You can call me whatever you want though.."
Kirishima gives you a kind smile
"That's a pretty name. I've got to say though, I've never been one to be interested in snake but wow, your scales are stunning. Do you know what kind of snake hybrid you are?!" kirishima asked with pure excitement
"Im a (insert favorite ball python)". ((For the sake of simplicity Im going with banana Python))
"wow. I've never heard of it." He pauses "say. Would you like to come home with me? I know it may seem sudden but, I've taken an interest to you, something about you makes me want to have you around"
THE END OF PART 1.
https://www.tumblr.com/samthequeer81/748783149237010432/kirishima-x-snakehybrid-reader?source=share link to part two!
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borom1r ¡ 5 months ago
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hmmm 3, 5, 6, 11, 14, 20, 22, 26, 38, 40 for the fun questions meme <3
ooooooo ok these’ll b inchresting :3
3- 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?
th lotr trilogy (duh), I Saw the TV Glow, The Last Unicorn :3
5- what made you start your blog?
THIS blog? suicide bait on my old blog :3
tumblr in general? a friend showed it to me in high school n i made one n my life was irreversibly changed lmfao
6- what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?
ATTENTION. double edged sword. like ok i try not to let myself care abt attention and try to be rlly careful now abt who i interact with but at the same time it rlly is validating when things Get Attention. some of my favorite fics have little to no engagement :( n like yea its not healthy to create FOR engagement (fast track 2 burnout) but its also like very disheartening to put time n effort n passion into sth only for it to fizzle out in the void
but whatever. ill make weird art forever
11- what do you consider to be romance?
THIS IS SO FUNNY 2 GET bc soooo much recently has made me reevaluate like. how I perceive this lollllll
anyways short answer: idfk man!!!!!!! close friendships n romance r incredibly cloudy in my mind cuz ive got a bad case of dogbrain!!
long answer is i just don’t quantify that stuff the way neurotypical ppl do :3 ties into th autism + nonhumanity. i also think cis ppl being attracted to me is gross lol. ideal romance for me is bein held n tended to like a noble knight tends their sword. I feel love like a dog feels abt their human!!! dogbrained!!! romance is being a guard dog, being a Really Good Boy but just soooo disconnected from like. idk allosexual/neurotypical quantifiers of “romance” for me lol
+ i don’t use th label rlly but im def somewhere on th ace spectrum lol like physical intimacy is only rlly “safe” conceptually when its completely disconnected from th realm of possibility. like thirsting over celebrities or like th knight i have a crush on. + cis ppl desiring me is rlly like.. ew 😒 don’t look @ me anymore man
14- what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?
UM. funnily enough im gonna do th Big Thing this summer :3 im going 2 th renaissance festival shirtless this year now tht im post op
s’gonna be scary showin off my scars but i rlly wanna go all out n celebrate finally havin top surgery. like im alive!! despite everything im alive n im happy ^_^ so cis people be damned, im gonna run around like a lil wolfguy for the first weekend!!!!!
20- favourite things about the night?
i love the moon :3
i also love how still n quiet things get
22- say 3 things about someone you love
ITS SO BRAVE!!!!!!!!! ITS LITERALLY THE FUNNIEST GUY I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO PROUD OF IT FOR HOW MUCH WORK IT DOES TO BETTER OUR COMMUNITY N PROUD OF IT FOR PURSUING TRANSITION + CANT WAIT TO SHARE MORE TRANS JOY W/ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(hiiiiiii Ly hehe!!)
26- fave colour and why?
when i was a kid my favorite colors were neon yellow n neon pink :3 they still kinda are but now i usually stick to like lime green or bright red paired w black. forest green + dark blue r gr8 too
38- fave song at the moment?
DONT ASK ME TO PICK JUST ONE???????
here r some I’ve had on loop lately: Far Away (Roadside Ghost), Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl (Broken Social Scene), I’m Already Gone (Baroness), Sex for Homework (MSI)
40- any bad habits?
oh yea i have dermatillomania lol
it doesn’t rlly bother me to talk abt bc i think “gross” stuff like that deserves to be less stigmatized— my shoulders n back are COVERRRRREED in little scars + scabs
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baconcolacan ¡ 1 year ago
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Hello again, thanks for answering! It almost gave me something when I asked the question, but now I think it's not as scary as before, well I have more questions! I'm sorry if there are many, and I apologize if my English is not very good.
1- Ok, we know that R!Tord would keep memories in case R!Tom died, but in the future no one would wonder who was that person for the Red Leader? I mean, the recordings, the painting, the monument and having a country blown to pieces out of nowhere? I guess people would think it was the Red Leader's couple, right?
2- What would be the reaction of the generals if R!Tord had told them the reason why he wants R!Tom?
3- Why I think that the one who is going to end up killing General Weth is going to be R!Tom?
4- The red soldiers are not going to wonder why R!Tom is still alive?
5- I know that this question will probably be answered in future chapters, but will R!Tom be able to freely roam the base? And please tell me that R!Tord will give R!Tom some clothes so he doesn't freeze to death.
6- What would be the reaction of Hillarson and the old unit of R!Tom to see that the Red Leader is "In Love" with R!Tom (I say "in love" because that is not love)
7- Where are Susan and Tomme Bear?
8- In some future we will see Mark and Eduardo?
Oh! and My girlfriend and my friend are proud that I sent you the questions,because they know that I am a very nervous girl and they probably knew that I would never send the questions, by the way my friend has one:
Now ask him how I can force my friend to see regimen and if he answers the comment, I read regimen.
Thank you for taking your time to answer my previous questions, Take care of yourself!
Ayyeee! Hi bud! Its nice to see that you dont think its scary to ask me things anymore hahaha answers below!
Well, people will wonder why Tom was so important, but I think they wouldn't really press for details in fear of Red Leader lashing out. Still, some will suspect that he was a lost love or some such, not that they'd try to confirm it anyway.
Well, shock, most of all, but they won't linger on it too much. RL's whims are very erratic, so at this point they would have already been used to it. So the shock will only last for a moment then they'll just accept it.
Hm, dunno.
They will. But you know. See above.
Hmmm. You'll have to wait for that :]
Hilarson would have a fit, because he knows how bad it would be to have RL's undivided, obsessive, attention. Same goes with Tom's old unit, which I hope you mean the 9th Norway Corps, as they would also do whatever they can to keep Tom away from the RA.
Susan is at home, Tommee bear might be as well.
Uhhhhh, well, I dont believe so, as Regimen will focus mainly on Tom and the other guys.
HAHAHAHA AND NO PROBS CHUM! I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to ask me questions :D
And as for what your friend said, I dont think I can force anyone to read the fic ahahaha, Im not that kind of dude. People can choose whether or not they want to read Regimen, as the story does deal with darker topics, so I wouldn't want to make somebody uncomfortable if they dont like what the tags say :PP
Thanks for stopping by again!!
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chapelpunisher ¡ 1 year ago
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hey sorry not that it rlly effects anything since i dont really have a lot of interaction on this blog anymore but um. i guess i need to say im going on an indefinite hiatus on most my social media, mostly so i can do some better healing since i think even after a month i am still deeply wounded by something that in turn became a self sabotage plot. im not proud of my behavior the last 4 months, and am going to take this time to work on parts of myself that i feel like i need to pay more attention to.
theres many factors to all of this, such as my mental health in general the last 4 months have not been entirely the best partially because of starting testosterone and not being proactive in caring for my mental health before it started to get bad again. another big part is having internalized self hatred of a part of myself ive finally come to terms with. lastly, trauma resurfacing that has made me distant and cold.
unfortunately, my brain still keeps trying to convince me things will be okay again but not the way i need it, rather a way id want it to be. so, to avoid making things even worse for myself (though not sure how much more worse i could be after all of this) im just going to try and be happy, let myself metabolize and process everything.
im very much struggling to feel tolerable, but thats no fault to anyone but myself. and i find even when im having an okay time and doing things i love, still having a hard time letting go. i feel like i am a bad person a lot of the time and that ultimately i deserve everything that has happened to me in the last 4 months. so for that, i believe it is time i just work on healing, and learn to be more kinder to myself in terms of internalized stuff.
its hard, some days i feel like i dont care anymore but then it all comes back to me and i ache. and i yearn. and i make up stupid scenarios in my head only to really just hurt myself more. i wish i could be different and show that its not me but a part of me that im going to keep in check and fix so that everyone can see im trying to get better for myself and everyone i care about. i dont think i can bring myself to hate anyone, or to think badly of them through all of this but rather see that they did what they could and cant be my people after all.
i would also like to just apologize if anyone has seen my insane behavior the past month, and i hope that i will never get that bad again in hopes that this time away will help me mental health wise.
tldr; i hurt people closest to me and caused them to leave, decided to stay off social media for awhile, trying to focus on doing better and healing so future relationships that may come up wont end as badly as this one that of course is no fault but my own.
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seamgel ¡ 11 months ago
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aight so *throws him at a wall* lets get into it [also pls keep note that one, i am behind on the plot and only know a few of the recent things, and two, i absolutely suck at formatting my thoughts so things are messy <//3 if anybody got any tips for that id much appreciate it :3c]
first things first, a surface level study of his char is as simple as follows, charming, quick witted, confident and mature. a man whos never been humbled, and a man with a smile on his lips as he speaks.
but ofc not all things are as the two dimensional pixels we see on screen
his childhood was obv not quite the happy one, born and raised without a choice of what his hand does, and it follows him into adulthood because thats what he was told to do. im assuming he doesnt have parents anymore, or something like that, which would fit because hes so, sad, hes a sad character. he can be described as confident and at times, overconfident, he always thinks hes the best, i mean, he has to be: his quirk isnt flashy, hes been pressured to carry on his families legacy on his own, hes always sectioned off from everybody else. he wants that attention, he wants that validation, "hey, you did a good job, im proud of you, youre doing amazing" the words he never got from his parents [and likely all his relatives through extension], that he never got from his peers, that he never had the strength to gain from anybody else.
thats what all the villains have alike actually, the need for the [positive] attention and affection they never got from anyone, though they hide it behind their mask, whatever that mask may be
we know Compress is a good guy, he may not be a Good Guy™ but hes got a golden heart in his chest. that may be the reason hes so mature, as well with his age but even some chars older than him arent so level-headed. but because hes never had that care from his parents, no one looked after him and his parents didnt care about him [they cared about what they wanted him to be, not him], and he knows it hurts, hes v aware of himself and all that hurts him, hes smart, so, in an attempt to reckon with that trauma, he becomes a parental figure to everybody around him [or atleast what hes seen in media or wherver what a parental figure is], to make sure no one else goes through that, to make sure that atleast one person cares, because he does care, though his a great actor already from what ive talked about, his good-natured self isnt a play. and yes i can hear you saying "but Possss, hes a villain !! he cant be a good guy" and i get what youre saying, but hear, he doesnt Want to be, he doesnt want to follow the cards placed before him, "but Pos !! he Can not follow the cards !!!" he cant rlly, for one, hes already a criminal, and most likely has been for a way too long while. ofc i dont think hes done much other than petty crimes up until the point of joining the League but its still a record, something that if he leaves villainy to be a citizen, he will be arrested and shamed for. and on top of that, its most likely that he doesnt see a future other than what hes been told about, and with how things are going, he personally doesnt see a good ending future either. "but its either he suffers or alot of other people suffer !!" i- why am i still talking to an imaginery person,, anyways. now im not saying hes an angel, obv, but im saying hes trying to be his best, both morally and otherwise, he doesnt commit crimes as bad as most of the League, bcuz he doesnt want to be a villain, he doesnt want to hurt people, but thats whats been put upon him. so as he sees it, thats what he must do
if we stand back, look at it; its a child who got pushed into a direction that grew up into a man with what he knows to be no more choice because of what hes done and has been doing
i also think thats why he wants to be a magician, because in his eyes thats something his quirk is actually good for, thats something that will have everybody look and pay attention to him, and idk maybe he just likes magic or it has a fond memory in his childhood shrug
but heres the thing, ive been saying, "in his eyes" "what he sees" "what he knows to be" ect. what he sees, hears or knows may not be factual, it may not be objective, its a personal view. now, he is by no means an objective man, he is one of the more emotionally open members of the League, to an extent ofc, but he speaks his views. he never got a proper childhood, he was never allowed to be a child, forced into maturity, and that skewed how his brain developed. hes still stuck in those thoughts, in how he would think back then, because to him, hes been grown up for his entire life, to him, being a parental figure and following other peoples aspirations is being grown up. theres two sides to how his brain functions, one thats still in his childhood and thoughts, and the other that has fully developed over time, they seem to only get along in a way that makes him, sad
with all this being said, hes a good-natured, childish, inappreciated and scared man, hes never been happy, and throughout his life, i doubt he thinks he ever will be
*gently picks him up and holds like a craddled cat* my boy <33
oki but does anybody wont to hear some Compress analysis ? (^ω^,,)
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muirneach ¡ 2 years ago
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just got a reel on instagram that was like ‘why we moved from toronto to calgary: low taxes’ which is already a red flag as is but the poster? JASON KENNEY 🤢🤢
#like taxes is. okay we can complain or whatever but anyone who is REALLY into hating them. immediate gross person#sorry you hate. public infrastructure or something#girl i will gladly get a couple bucks taken of my min wage paycheque if it means i get to collect ei and cpp and have ohip like hello??#also good god have you SEEN his bio??#i quote: ‘proud to serve the best province in the best country on earth’ oh how i wish to beat you up#anyways i guess hes a part of all those awful ads that are telling torontonians to hit the bricks and go to alberta#i am NOT one of those ‘ugh i hate alberta [and/or any prairie province lol] cause they’re CONSERVATIVES 🙄’#its very much writing off the deep south because theyre red states#i just dont care for that sort of behaviour#but that said. u would not catch me living in alberta i dont care how cheap it is#cdnpoli#also i forgor kenney wasnt premier anymore lol#its literally been like a year since he stepped down but i still i keep thinking he is#i dont even know the premiers of any prairie province rn cause they kept being a clusterfuck and i stopped paying attention to the news tbh#actually i could probably only name a small handful of premiers rn i literally do not keep up on the news#which is so. sad to realize? im always like oh you should always know the political atmosphere in your country! and then dont do it#sigh maybe i should return to the cdnpoli server i got all my news from#i was so active in that for so many years and then one day i was just like damn. idc#im still in it i just never check..#anyways!
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socialmediaevans ¡ 2 years ago
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END GAME | 07 - chris evans x reader social media au
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liked by perrieedwards and others
theofficialy/n Im really honored to be the one who piece this together,thank you sm for always considering me, boos 🥺😘 you guys rock!!! 🤟🏾
view 20.356 comments
crfan23 I think this looks kinda ugly tbh
ynroyalty she’s an icon, she’s the moment
lmandyn IM STILL NOT USED WITH THEIR PARTNERSHIP 🤧
evansfans1 so…is she just gonna play dumb? are we going to ignore the fact that she was making out with chris evans last night?
⤷ sunshinevans I hate to break it to you but she doesn’t own anyone anything…
⤡ marvelmov2 bruh Im deadass curious too!!! did you guys see their stories?! theyre def together rn
evansworldwide I wish people would leave yn alone… :/
⤡ ynandtheteam same!!!!
lizzobeeating shut upppppp I loved it, yn!!!! 😍
littlemix 💜
ynfan45 did you linked everything on the website? I really liked the brown set!
⤷ allyn she did! it was my fav too, it went perfect with perrie’s skin
⤷ fans2000 its called yn and her magic 😜
ynandpasta is it true you’re dating chris evans?
⤡ yellowyn guys, stop it!
random2 what about the captain america guy?
queenieyln istg this comment section is making me sick, you guys need to do better, yn deserves better
⤡ capmarvel2 and so does chris
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chrisevans she’s been working since early today, I’m really proud, but dodger seems to find it terrible when she doesn’t give him all the attetion 😂❤️
⏺ tagged theofficialyn
view 35.427 comments
capmarvel7 YOU JUST BROKE THE INTERNET
chrishemsworth give him a break, you hate to share the attention too, evans LOL
ynfan2 🥹 she’s so hard working, I love that for her
robertdowneyjr Im really happy for you man
iamsebastianstan finally!!!!
⤡ chrisbae2 ok so Im just creating theory with this comment, listen to me: chris has liked yn since forever but only recently found his way to become friends and FINALLY more
ynprincessblue are you two dating?
endgamebegins you could do sm better, chris…
⤷ ynfan1 she’s famous, rich and hot, I dont think he could do better than this 😉
⤷ evansunshine Im a chris fan but I gotta agree, he’s the lucky one, yn is everything
perfectmakeupyn CHRIS EVANS DATING A BLACK GIRL I LIVED FOR THIS SHIT YALL GONNA BEAR WITH ME TALKING ABOUT THEM
ynstarlight I wish she would get back with her ex tbh…
⤷ queenieyn bruh he cheated on her wtf 🤡
⤷ cristalclearyn Im team captain! chris evans is a bae 😮‍💨
lizzobeeating ok Im devasted chris wont have my babies anymore, but Im the happiest for you guys 😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️
⤷ evansandyln lizzo I will be forever grateful to you for putting these two together 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 thank you queen
dualipa let her do her thing!!!! shes working on something I asked personally 😌😌😌
⤡ ynandthesun Im so in for this duo!!!
theofficialy/n christopher :( 💗
⤷ evansbrothers OMG SHES CALLING HIM CHRISTOPHER 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
⤷ ynthebaddest guys lets give her some love, she doesn’t deserve ppl peeking on her personal life
⤡ queenieyln you better take care of her, evans!
fan1990 you’re 41, this is sick 🤢
captainboston YALL IS THIS HIS CLOTHES SHES WEARING?!
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siickhead ¡ 7 years ago
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#vent#never mind lol#i make so many vent posts but i get nervous or scared to post them and then they just end up saved in my drafts while they rot and i never#post them so it doesnt feel like im venting even though ive written all my thoughts out it doesnt feel the same bc i dont post it#so its never truly out of my system#im just. having a rough time. honestly. haha#i pulled something in my back last night and i can hardly move without crying out in pain and my moms out of town with her bf for his bday#and my brother doesnt wanna help and its so difficult bc i had to make cupcakes for her bf and decorate and i cant fucking move and nobody#cares and i just want to stop existing. i want to sob and cry out and beg someone to stay or listen or love me but whats the point#itd be useless. its the same old same old and nothing will change#people say it gets better- but it doesnt unless you get help and i cant fucking get help im stuck im so stuck please im so fucking tired#i always want to die i think of relapsing all the time i think of just ending it all so often but i dont because i know i wont actually do#it#but its there its always there and im so tired. im so tired. i dont wanna live like this anymore i want to feel loved i want to be loved i#want someone to care but if i reach out im attention seeking and i wont get it. i wont get it.#i just want someone to tell me they love me and theyre proud of me even if the only thing i did that day was wake up but i wont get it-#because nobody is proud. its not something to be proud of IM not someone to be proud of#im nothing#blueberry
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elysianslove ¡ 4 years ago
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cheering you up ; haikyuu boys
synopsis; different ways the haikyuu boys care for you and cheer you up when you’re sad
pairings; karasuno x reader, nekoma x reader, aoba johsai x reader, fukurodani x reader, shiratorizawa x reader, inarizaki x reader
genre; fluff
warnings; none probably a bunch of mistakes lmfao
note; i had to repost this like 3 times rip. anyways, im sorry for not adding inarizaki on my last one jbshds but they’re here now!!
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karasuno ━━
sugawara koshi; i definitely think he's so in tune with you, and your emotions. he learns your cues very well, and knows every little thing about you that there is to learn. if you're having a bad day, he'll notice right away. he won't comment on it though. all he'll do is these little things to try to cheer you up, but it's going to be very subtle. he'll let u rest ur head on his shoulder, run his fingers through ur hair. he'll sneakily buy u ur favorite snack. doesn't bring anything up until you do. ends the day with cuddles and a chick flick.
sawamura daichi; he notices but he doesn't really know how to react. not because he doesn't know what to do, but because he doesn't want to trigger you or deepen your sadness in any way. he's very careful with you. if it's something throughout the day, he's very quiet and tender with you, just silently lets you rest your head against his chest and rubs your back/arm tenderly. as you're walking home he asks if you want to talk about it, and reminds you that it's good to, but it's also okay if you don't want to.
nishinoya yuu; not a single sad moment with mr noya here. seriously you cannot breathe. ok but in all honesty, when you're sad. he's sad. sends you memes, and you'll be laughing at them with tears streaming down your face because you don't really know what you're feeling anymore. he does a lot of tiktok trends with you, any of the couple ones. grabs your faces and ,,, smooch all over. until you have no choice but to laugh. if you want to cry even more, he'll watch the notebook and the vow a thousand times over, and be a sobbing mess next to you. just don't tell the guys okay? <3
kageyama tobio; he's so.   bad. at this please help him. like he can tell ur sad, bc he's v good at reading people. but like. what the fuck is he supposed to do. anyways. when u two get to be alone and he kinda notices how quiet you are, he just nudges you slightly, and pulls you to him. it's easier to talk to you, he's calmer, when he can't directly look at you. when he feels you start to shake in his arms, feels the wet tears down your cheeks as you start to sob in his arms, his heart kinda breaks. all he can do is hold you, but it's what you need. and he'll listen too, if that's what you need as well.
tsukishima kei; i think he notices, but doesn't bring it up at all. the way he goes about it is he'll tease you to try and bring a smile on your face. because this is tsukki, and you know him well enough, you know the truth behind his jabs, enough to appreciate them. if it doesn't work, he'll just start to make fun of people in front of you, pointing random people out with you and just being like "wanna bet on what's making their relationship fall apart" this sadist i stg. like suga, he subtly makes you feel better until you yourself approach him about whatever's upsetting. actually gives 10/10 advice bc he's v honest.
asahi azumane; he's so empathetic oh my god bruh. notices immediately. "baby what's got u so upset" w a big pout on his face and when u just mumble "nothin" so low he barely catches it and instead throw yourself into his arms, he gives you a big, certified asahi bear hug. doesn't leave your side at all. constantly mutters sweet nothings and encouragements. if you do the bare minimum like make it through class he'll meet you after and be all "im so proud of my pretty baby". cuddles all day. all night. he's not very good at advice but he is the best listener !!! so attentive and you'll feel a huge weight lifted.
tanaka ryunosuke; "aight who do i need to jump" type beat. u love him so much though. that one sentence and sentiment already has you feeling better. immediately hugs you so tight, borderline suffocating you. "wanna ditch school". 100% willing to do so. he doesn't really know whether to approach it with distracting you or facing the obstacle head-on, but he finds a middle ground. eats your feelings out with you. saeko pulls out the embarrassing ryu pictures and suddenly you don't know why you were ever sad.
hinata shoyo; is really oblivious for a bit tbh. when he first meets you at the start of the day and his hyperactive self is greeted by your duller, sadder self, he doesn't think much of it. it's when you don't react to him or interact with him the way you usually would that he starts to notice you being off. he's actually super straightforward about it, and approaches you with some of your favorite snack that he bribed ukai to give him for free and just "wanna tell me whats up, baby?" he's so, so easy to talk to. immediately you're venting. and he listens to intently, gives stupidly good advice. it's like such simple approaches to your problem but?? it works. anyways you love him.
yamaguchi tadashi; will be super worried about what he could do to make it better, and kinda just tries to feed you as much positive energy as he can. once he's comfortable with people, he becomes really chatty, so i see him talking your ear off with the biggest smile on his face that you have no choice but to kind of ? mimic it? he just radiates goodness and sweetness that it shifts your own energy. he on some witchcraft shit on god. anyways when he walks you home or something, he'll just stop for a min and avoid your eyes when he says "ik u dont feel the best, but i dont want you to have to hide that from me, okay?" stan tadashi <3
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nekoma ━━
kuroo tetsurō; drops everything. i mean it. i genuinely think kuroo would be such a good boyfriend that he'll sense it and text u as ur getting ready for school and be like "are u sad i feel like ur sad". you dont really wanna worry him and you'll just reassure him ur fine but he's already at your front door in — not his school uniform. insists the two of you take the day off saying "its fine babe im super smart". you two will spend the whole day just simply existing, talking when needed, he listens to you if you vent, and tries to come up with as many options of solutions for you so you don't feel weighed down. he'll make sure you eat even if you don't have an appetite, and will try to make u do something productive bc in a lotta cases, it could help you feel a lil better yk :)
kozume kenma; i pretend i do not see it — kozume kenma (2020). jbwjwks im jk. he's like tsukki in the sense that he will never address it, and he doesn't outwardly approach you about it. if it's just an off day for you, and you also happen to not have school, you'll go over to his house, hoping to feel a little bit better when you see him. "can i have a kiss, sunshine" to which he responds "why." you just go "im sad" and he gives u a big smooch. he'll have you lay on his lap while he plays his games, occasionally just sneaking in a peak at you to make sure you're okay. he'll ask if you wanna play to get your mind off things for a while. eventually, when things wind down a bit, he'll just mutter "yk i love you, yeah?" and that lights up your world hehe
haiba lev; as soon as he notices you're sad he just ☹️. he picks out a small flower and as soon as he sees you, he just tucks it by your ear, and smile so brightly and youll just be like "oh my god lev please stop being so cute". he won't really know what to do tbh, but the way he's so lost makes it so heartwarming and it honestly cheers you up all on its own. he just. "would a kiss make it better" and if you nod he'll just start kissing all over your face so softly, until he finally kisses your lips. when he pulls away he asks "again?" with a cute smile and if you nod he'll just kiss you over and over again. very simple way of cheering you up, and very foolproof tbh.
yaku morisuke; i think throughout the day, he might pester you a little bit about telling him what was wrong, but after you keep insisting you're fine, he relents, and decides that maybe giving you your own time and space to open up to him is better. he tries not to act differently in that sense, but he finds himself being a little more soft spoken, and gentler with you. i just had this image flash in my brain of you resting your head on a desk, head turned to the right, and then yaku comes and sits to your right, putting his head on the desk and facing you. and just. "hi :)" your heart melts. he kisses your forehead softly and tells you you're wonderful, in case you've forgotten. if, or when, you do open up to him, he'll be very eager to listen, and ready to fight off whoever upset you.
yamamoto taketora; this man is angry. like properly. "who the FUCK put a frown on my baby's face. speak the fuck up. i won't hurt you. ill just mutilate you." if you tell him that it's no one, and that you're just upset, he'll be so confused but he'll just nod and be like "okay. okay. do you want a hug?" and he'll hug you so tight. he'll admit that he doesn't like seeing you like this, and that he'll do anything to make it better. at first he's very cautious, but then he just lightbulb moment and as soon as you get home he'll be like "karaoke night babyyyyy" and then. no more sad.
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aoba johsai ━━
oikawa tōru; very. perceptive. he greets you normally, even if he notices something's off, because he won't want to worsen anything. you meet him right before he has practice after school, and he'll just cup your face, lifting them to brush at your hair, and you just sigh. "my baby's had a long day, yeah?" he'll be very gentle and careful with you, i'm sure. he gives you a kiss, smiling softly into it, and reassuring you that you're much too strong to let a single bad day destroy you like this. he meets you later that night with a lotta ice cream and you two just binge watch any reality show you could find, shit talking the actors together. he himself is terrible at talking about his feelings this dumbass >:( so he understands if you don't want to yk? will encourage u to vent it out though. expect terrible, makes no sense advice
iwaizumi hajime; he kinda like. gets mad? when you continue to be upset and not speak about it? he's not mad at you! he's just. mad. this is iwa okay. anyways. he won't bring it up mostly, only being slightly more affectionate, especially in his hand holding, which is super gentle already as it is. when he invites you over, that's when he actually starts to talk to you about it. he lets you know that there's nothing worse than seeing you like this and not knowing what to do, and that he wants you to be able to talk to him. about anything. even if you think it's stupid. he'll listen, and tell you that it's not stupid if it's making you upset. he cooks for you <33333 then bakes with you <33333 you feel a lot lighter at the end of the night tbh
hanamaki takahiro; (he's so annoying i love him). as soon as he sees you upset he makes it his mission throughout the day to cheer you up in any possible way. spams your phone while you're class with ten thousand wholesome memes. sends you pick up lines. when he meets you in between classes he just yells out "how's my favorite person in the entire world!" and kisses you so wholly in the middle of the school hallway lmfao. while he's walking you home, takes a longer route and purposely, he passes by your favorite store/bakery/ice cream parlor. buys u ur favorite, and pretends to be shocked when you give him a piece. late at night, he'll facetime you, wondering how you're feeling, asking if you needed to talk about it. whether you do or you don't, you two will fall asleep facetiming.
matsukawa issei; the minute he sees you he's like "whats wrong". no hi or anything. he has like this frown on his face, which seems off bc it's rare to see a frown on issei's face, and he just tucks your chin in his palm gently and stares at your pout. "you good, baby?" he can tell you're not, but he wants you to be able to tell him on your own. sticks by your side the entire day, and nobody really mentions it. he talks to you as if it were a normal day, but his voice has a softer edge. he's not distracting you, per se. he's more, talking to fill the space while giving you your own space to think. once you're alone, he'll just drag you to the nearest comfy surface, flop down, and pull you on top of him. if you even try to resist or ask whats going on he'll just "nap and cuddles first." and when u sleep a lil bit of ur sadness away, he'll just let you talk it out as he continues to hold you <333
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fukurodani ━━
bokuto kōtarō; just as empathetic as asahi, if not more. he really does feel it all with you. yk sympathy pains that partners get when women get contractions? bokuto is that partner. with bokuto, i feel like he'd never make you feel like you couldn't just straight up text him "im sad" and feel bad about it. if you ever do that, he'll immediately call, not even bothering with a text. if he can't come over, he stays with you until you've cried your heart out and then laughing until you can't breathe. if he can go over, he smothers you with love. repeatedly says "you know i love you, yeah? you know how grateful i am for you?" and in between kisses "im so lucky. so, so lucky."
akaashi keiji; i feel like as soon as akaashi notices you're down, or you're slightly off, he just grabs your hand and squeezes, forcing you to stop spacing out and focus on him for a second. if you're with a lot of people around you, he'll lean close to you and ask if you wanna go home. he'll be so soft and gentle and understanding, making up some excuse on the spot on why the two of you have to leave. if you're alone, he'll grab your hand and kind of tug you towards him, silently asking you to come into his arms, where you yourself know you feel safest. as soon as you're in the comfort of your home together, he'll like run you a bath and slip into it with you, just holding you until the water grows cold and the droplets on your skin are from your own tears. he'll wait it out, just holding you as reassurance, then make sure nothing's stopping you from spilling everything to him.
konoha akinori; when he first notices, he kinda deflates. like. who would wanna see their s/o like that? his smile is gentler when he greets you, and he's so soft with you. he grabs a pen and lifts your palm up, quickly scribbling down in his unique handwriting "i love you :) <3" on your skin, whispering for you not to wash it off until the end of the day. it is weirdly motivating tbh. as soon as the two of you are alone, he says it to you, face to face, an expected look on his face as if to ask "you know that, yeah?". puts on a movie to tune out the rest of the world, and holds you close to him as it drags on. he'll give advice if you're asking for it, but he's a better listener than anything else.
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shiratorizawa ━━
ushijima wakatoshi; does not notice. in all honesty, he expects you to approach him whenever you have an issue or if you're upset. he's kinda like ? so confused when you're so down and really unresponsive, until he starts to notice how touchy you are. like you're leaning more into his touch, holding onto his hand like it's your lifeline, stealing his vbc jacket because it smells like him. is very straightforward, and will just ask you if you're okay as he walks/drives you home. kinda just stops in front of your house and presses a kiss to your forehead, then pulling you into a hug. "please don't be upset." he won't tell you that it kills him, but you can sense the unsaid words. he urges you to keep his jacket when he notices how safe it makes you feel. greets you the next morning with a new cactus in a pot hehe.
semi eita; is very cuddly once he notices. you'll sit at a table in school and he'll be sitting next to you, but he just pulls you into him and lets you rest your head on his chest, mumbling softly into your hair "i know you're sad and it's okay." he doesn't say anything else, just holds you there with a few kisses in between until he has to let go. late at night, if your thoughts are still keeping you up, he'll be up too, worrying, and will text you at 3 am if u wanna sneak out to meet him. takes you to the park and lays on the grass with you, picking out stars and constellations in the sky, with a soft soundtrack playing from his phone next to the two of you. he makes you feel secure enough to be sad even if you have all the blessings in the world, and makes sure you know that he'll always be there for you, even at 3 in the morning.
satori tendō; cheers you up by making you forget literally everything. replaces the sadness in your brain with just pure serotonin in any way he can think of. he'll take you to an amusement park, get ice cream with you, take you to the carnival in town, to the park, to the beach, to the pool, take you up to his house's rooftop. literally anything. and then he'll say something like "life's too short to spend it being sad over anything, darling." he's so understanding, and if you're frustrated or something he'll tell you to let it out by like wrestling him or some shit. exhausts you so much and you're filled to the brim with dopamine. he makes sure you're always happy, never seeing a dull moment in your relationship with him.
goshiki tsutomu; freaks out. plain and simple lmfao. but once he like grounds himself, he just softly comes up to you and asks you if you wanna talk about it, or if there's anything he can do. if yes, he'll break his leg running to go do it. if no, he'll just sit with you in silence, leaning over to hold your hand, talking to you about volleyball and his aspirations and how well he's improving. he's better at distracting you than helping you face your issues, mainly because he stresses out about giving the wrong advice or somehow making you sadder. he'll take a lot of pictures of you together on snapchat random filters to try and cheer you up, then later on in the night he'll send them to you and be like "look how cute we are ugh what a power couple" i love this dorkhabsjsks
shirabu kenjirō; i think he definitely notices, but keeps it to himself. he’d maybe think he’s imagining things and that you’re okay, so he’d go about his day normally. he doesn’t see you after school, and that’s when he puts two and two together and realizes yeah maybe you are sad. so he texts you, and texts you, and texts you, and gets no reply, so he just. comes over. unannounced. uninvited. just straight vibes. he’s already ordered your favorite take out, and already settling in bed with you under the cover with the lights dimmed and some chick flick playing in the background. gives the b e s t advice because he’s so blunt. like he will tell you if you’re overreacting, but you’re still his s/o, so he’d like wince as he says it. that’s all the sympathy you’re getting <3 but his bluntness will shock you into laughing hehe
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inarizaki ━━
miya atsumu; usually, with atsumu, you’re always experiencing loud days. your relationship is all fun and flirty and suave and cool. but when he notices you’re sad, he goes quiet. like. eerily so. immediately pulls you aside somewhere private if you’re at a public place like school or something, and with his hands in yours he asks you if you’re okay. yk that thing where ur on the verge of tears and someone asks you if you’re okay and you just burst. yeah <3. his heart absolutely breaks and he just pulls you into a hug, resting your head on his chest and wrapping his arms around your neck. he just holds you there, even if you’re missing class/your friends are worried. he’ll stay with you until your tears have dried up, until you yourself let go.
miya osamu; i don’t see osamu as someone that loves pda. i feel like he’d be a more lowkey kinda guy. but if you’re sad, that gets thrown out the window. he doesn’t really in the moment, and won’t think too much when he pulls you close to his side and just wraps an arm around your waist/shoulder. yeah he’ll get looks but he can feel you trembling and shaking from holding back tears so yk, priorities. he’ll definitely stress eat with you. takes you literally anywhere and feeds you as you rant to him with tears streaming down your face and he’s just nodding sympathetically as he stuffs your mouth one bite after the other. romance is beautiful
suna rinatarō; when he notices you’re sad, his first response is alright what the fuck who messed up. he immediately blames someone else, and if he’s right, he’ll only get really agitated. just giving everyone the side eye from where you can’t see as he walks the two of you, your hand in his tight. if it’s not someone specific, he’ll just hum thoughtfully and then nod, before pulling you away somewhere private and just sitting you down and saying “talk.” very, very good listener. i can’t stress this enough. as you’re speaking he’s already thinking of a million different ways to help you solve your problem. walks with you as he traces your hands and just quietly tells you all the solutions.
aran ojiro; oh my god as a boyfriend he ticks all the boxes. he’s great at communicating, always satisfies your needs, is trustworthy and trusts you. the list goes on. immediately knows when you’re off/sad, and just smiles softly as he takes your hand, kissing your knuckles and saying, “let’s go home, yeah?” at home, he makes you some calming tea, probably pulls out some cookies or brownies or biscuits (that HE made but we’re not gonna get into that) and just listens as you talk, whether it’s about why you’re sad or just in general. gives you honest advice, but also a lil biased bc he loves you hehe <3
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heyitsyn ¡ 4 years ago
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Keeping Up With Seijoh Ep. ∞
a/n: this made me tear up a bit ngl bc haikyuu always hitting us with ‘theres no next year for us’ typa bull like BLS TAKE PITY ON MY SOUL AND STOP TIME AND KEEP MY BOYS TOGETHER :(((((((
it has an infinity symbol bc this is in the future so there isnt really an episode number 
for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!
anon:
the third years coming back to seijoh the following year for a surprise visit, and watching over practice cuz they were in town for break. being impressed on how kyo has calmed down (a bit), kunimi actually giving a sh-, yknow the deal. just the growth of their kouhai makes them 🥺🥺 but THEN- Y O U walk in with the team’s bottles n the small gasp that comes out of your mouth when you see them. they GAWK cuz you’re maturing SO well (stfu oikawa- my eyes up are here) and just 🥺🤲
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SO LIKE UNLESS YOURE NEW TO MY BLOG YOU KNOW THIS FINNA BE A SAD ONE BC SEIJOH THIRD YEARS ARE MY FAVORITE BOIS AND THEM GRADUATING MAKES ME :(
oh god here comes the tears
so
it was something you knew was coming since yanno, third years and all that
but you were so sure you had more time left before it happened
didnt you just join the team and met them like yesterday?
nope love you met nearly a year ago
and they made quite an impact on you in the short term you were together
so during the day of graduation
it wasnt really a school day since it was mostly for third years and the whole ceremony but kouhais could come so they could send off their senpais
you already called each third year the night before, nearly 2 hours per boy, to talk to them and cry with them so you didnt have to cry during the day
but ofc
you were sobbing already when you saw your captain walk up and get his tube with the diploma inside
they tried to remain strong as they sat in their seats but a single glance at you and the team at the stands above, the tears were already either forming or full out slipping
i know yall finna beat me up for this but im not really familiar with the other third years in the team bc theyre not really shown in the anime or manga that much so i dont have a good grip on their character so can we pls pretend theyre not in here?? omg pls dont kill me though
the ceremony felt like a long time for the seniors but when it was finally over, they ran out of that building and yall did too and you bolted yourself into the arms of your captain
oikawa held you tightly against him and he didnt care about being seen by his fangirls, who were waiting outside for him, or the others who wanted to have you to them too
‘i love you, y/n-chan’
he mumbled and you nodded
‘mhm. i love you too, oikawa-san. i love all my boys’
YALL MY HEART IS BREAKING BC OIKAWA ACTUALLY MEANT IT THIS TIME AND YOURE STILL OVER HERE THINKING THAT HES JUST SAYING IT AS A FRIEND LIKE IM-
iwa ripped you away from him and your face was buried into his chest
but it didnt last long since the others got a little impatient and just joined the hug turning it into a group hug
‘i dont want you to leave!’
kindaichi sobbed and kunimi sniffled, holding on tighter to the backs of his senpais
even kyo was sad but hes a tuff boy so he easily hid that behind his usual frown and glare
after seeing their parents and reassuring them they would be home soon, you started your trek towards your usual hang out spot
the second and first years were walking ahead of you while the third years fell back in step with you in between them
mattsuhana flanked your left while iwaoi were at your right
the tears were now gone but sniffles still filled the area and everyone was still down in their spirits
you held tightly to the warm big hands of iwaizumi and the soft touch of mattsun’s hand as if you were clutching your life-line
but you knew no matter how tightly you held on to them, they would still go and eventually leave you behind
the ramen shop was filled with another round of tears as everyone realized that this would be the last time seijoh og would have ramen here
‘WE DONT WANT YOU TO GOOO~~~~!!!!!!’
kindaichi sobbed while kunimi aggressively shoved noodles in his mouth to hide his hiccups
you refused to eat because you were so sad that you were scared you might end up throwing it all up later so you settled on relishing your time with the boys
oikawa was busy talking to yahaba and telling him tips and tricks for next year while iwaizumi was consolling the others who were crying
that left you to harshly wipe off the tears and focus on the jokes that matsuhana were telling to help and lighten up the mood
‘think of it like this! you won’t have oikawa and iwaizumi fighting anymore!’
well,,,,,
that kinda made things worse
geez makki stfu!!!!
you bursted into full tears and you sobbed, loudly and freely
‘WAAAAAHHHH!!!!!’
you wheezed and then continued to cry
everyone flinched and got startled at the sight of you crying
theyve seen you cry before but not this intensely and sadly 
‘DONT GO!!! OU-OUR FAMILY’S GONE!! ITS B-BROKEN NOW!!!!’
you wailed
everyone is so used to seijoh antics that they didnt even bat an eyelash when everyone started crying
‘damn it, i was trying not to cry!’
iwa growled and buried his face into his hands to hide the pain in his eyes
‘come here, y/n-chan’
mattsun cooed while sobbing and you went straight into his arms and his arms tightly wounded around you
he pressed kisses on your neck to calm you and he whispered promises to keep you from thinking that you would be alone
the boys were all still crying even when you paid for them and at the exit, everyone wouldnt let go of each other
ngl it was a weird sight of seeing these boys just hanging on and hugging the others and you were tightly pressed against makki’s chest 
‘dont cry, y/n-chan. we’ll be here, always. just a 4-hour ride to tokyo’
he promised but you shook your head
‘--too far’
you mumbled and he was able to make out a few words and he laughed
‘i swear you’ll see us in a few hours’
it took a few words of assurance from makki and eventually mattsun and iwa joined
oikawa stayed back because he already wanted to walk you home and iwa knew you were the one that was the hardest for oikawa to tell his plans to
waving them good bye, you fussed and made sure everyone was not crying anymore
‘you text me the moment you get home, all right? and kyo-san, let the food in your stomach settle before-’
‘before i take a bath-yea i know’
he rolled his eyes but he smiled lightly before hugging you
‘go home now, y/n’
he pushed you towards his captain but you pulled away one last time to give each boy a kiss on the cheek
their lips trembled, especially the third years, and wanted to keep their tears in but they rocket launched to space
yanno that one part in season 1 when kiyoko told them to work hard and then they just snot-rocketed and cried
oikawa interlaced your fingers as you both walked towards your house and it was quiet
you were sus bc it was too quiet and oikawa would usually be either skipping, humming a tune, or just yapping his ass off
but right now
he was quiet, slouchy, and,,,, not oikawa
you looked up to see his face and you knew it wasnt just the graduating part
it was like,,,, he was nervous
you squeezed his hand and that got his attention
‘oikawa-san, whats wrong?’
he suddenly stopped and your linked hands caused you to also stop so you watched him stare down at his shoes and you blinked at him in confusion
‘oika-’
‘y/n, tell me to stay’
he,,, sounded like he was begging
pleading
desperate to hear you say it
‘why should i?’
you asked and he finally lifted his eyes to stare into your eyes
he gulped before further explaining himself 
‘coach got me a volleyball scholarship’
he whispered and your eyes widened before you launched into him for a hug and pulled back to cup his face
‘oh my god! tooru! a scholarship?! im so proud-’
‘in argentina’
he finished and your eyes dimmed, the lifted corners of your lips falling into a frown
‘o-oh’
you stuttered and pulled your hands away but he grabbed them, placing them back to his face 
‘but if you dont want me to go, i wont-’
‘NO! what?! tooru, its your dream! you and iwa-san wouldnt stop talking about that match with argentina and-and you want to go there! dont you dare let that slip away!’
you scolded frantically however oikawa’s face scrunched before he started crying
‘i-i can’t! y/n, i’ll be alone! its so far away! far from iwa, far from you-’
then you reached to your tippy toes and kissed his nose then leaned back with a big smile
‘no matter how far, ill always be right here. im always going to be here, waiting for you’
you mumbled and oikawa hiccuped then leaned his forehead against yours, eyes clashing that was so full of love and fear
‘then dont you worry, y/n-chan. oikawa-senpai will work really hard and he will come back and make you happy’
he whispered and you pulled him even closer to give him the biggest hug
‘im looking forward to it’
TIMESKIPTIMESKIPTIMESKIPTIMESKIP
ONEYEARONEYEARONEYEARONEYEAR
truth to be told with guilty conscience, the third years havent really been in touch
yes theyve called and messaged but there wasnt a normal kind of communication, especially with oikawa
but they decided to go over there during a simultaneous week break for universities in tokyo and iwa, makki, and mattsun pressured oikawa to fly back to japan just for a week to visit
‘iwa-chan im so broke righ-’
‘fine, we’ll see y/n ourselve-’
‘OKAY FINE! HERE! IM BUYING THE TICKET NOW SEE?!’
bahahaha im sorry i love oiks so much its not even funny
they agreed to not tell anyone, even coach, to surprise you all and to see your faces of surprise bc mattsuhana are little shites and they love to mess around
it was a normal day during practice
yahaba was teaching some first years how to serve while watari was giving exercising tips on how to bend their knees without shrieking in athritis
kyotani was doing jump serves while kindaichi and kunimi tried to block him
it was a normal day
the former third years knew the ins and outs of the place and oikawa still had his keys of the gym since he never gave it back so they were easily able to sneak in
they sat on the bleachers and observed everyones growth which really blew them away and took them aback by how much they improved in little time
like kunimis actually huffing and throwing a mini tantrum bc hes so into it and hes mad he didnt get that block right
they also noticed the larger amount of new recruits and based on their practice, it looks like they would be in good hands for the next few years
however, the true shock settled in when this happened
kyotani cursed loudly when the ball hit out but yahaba scolded him for saying a bad word in front of the first years
‘kyotani, dont say that anymore! its not good to teach the babies bad words!’
he ranted and the college boys shared a look of caution and fear, bracing themselves for kyotani’s normal screaming and tantrum for being called out
but they were the most surprised when the bleach-haired boy simply glared at him and turned away to go pick up another ball to hit
‘did,,,, did kyoken-chan-’
‘was he just calm right now?’
‘oh my god iwa-chan kyoken-chan got abducted by aliens!’
I SWEAR TO GOD ITS LIKE THE CURRENT THIRD AND SECOND YEARS GOT AN OIKAWA ‘IWA-CHAN’ SENSOR BECAUSE THE MOMENT HE SAID THAT, THEIR EARS TWITCHED AND THEY JUST KNEW
THEIR SENPAIS WERE HERE
their eyes were wide and their attention snapped towards the bleachers where indeed, their 4 fathers sat
‘OIKAWA-SAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
kindaichi screamed and he NYOOMED towards the stairs but kunimi grabbed him by the collar
‘come down here, senpais!’
yahaba urged and coach and naoi shared a look of initial shock but then transformed into happiness
it was nice to see the family together again
they quickly turned into a dog pile with the hugs that were given around like kyotani actually giving iwaizumi a hug and makki and mattsun affectionately ruffling everyone’s hair
the other first years were just staring in awe at the legendary third years of seijoh that theyve heard so much about
‘everyone, these are your seniors!’
yahaba presented and the 3 third years became very flustered but ofc attention whore oikawa soaked it up
‘yes, hello, my little disciples! you are my legacy so work har- IWA-CHAN!’
he was cut into his famous line when his best friend bonked him for being too self-absorbed again
‘waaa, l/n-senpai was right’
some first year mumbled at the scene and their ears perked up at the name
‘l/n?’
‘where is she?! y/n-chan!’
oikawa shouted and looked around
BECAUSE OF FATE
YOU AUTOMATICALLY MANIFESTED THERE
‘YES YOU CALLED’
okay no but you actually walked in just in time, carrying the crate of water bottles, focused on not dropping them so you didnt really see the others
they were silent not because they wanted to mess with you and see how long youd figure out that they were there
no
they were silent because of how BEAUTIFUL you became
you gained a few inches and your hair is now longer with your baby fat slowly melting away and you were also finally showing your growth with your body
the eyes that used to gleam with childish innocence was now mature and poised like a perfect lady
even the way you walked with a crate made it seem like a ballet performance with the grace at every step and the flowery aura you exuded
you have turned from a ridiculously cute and pretty girl to a beautiful goddess
AND YOU WERE ONLY IN YOUR SECOND YEAR HOW THE HELL ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO HANDLE IT WHEN YOURE FINALLY A THIRD YEAR?!
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE AMOUNT OF BOYS THEY HAVE TO WARD OFF?!
‘my god’
iwaizumi mumbled, flushing red and turning away to hide his fluster
‘beautiful’
oikawa whispered and he gulped, not remembering how strikingly attractive you are
‘have mercy’
makki whined softly, clutching his heart as it started beating fast and made his stomach feel all funny
did they act like this back in the day?
mattsun doesnt have control so he ran forward and you were just putting the crate down when you were lifted off of the floor and twirled around
so like yahaba waved off the others to go back to practice so its like not awkward to be standing around and see this happening
there was only one person who did this to you
‘mattsun-san?!’
you shrieked and you giggled happily as he put you down so you were able to hug him properly and eventually, catching sight on the others behind him
your gasp made them smile widely and you pressed a hand to your mouth to hide the shock and your overjoyed laugh
if they could take a picture of this and remember the amount of love your eyes held and the pure unfiltered happiness that swirled in those orbs
it was like they felt themselves falling in love with you all over again
‘oh my god everyone’s here too!’
you ran to them and jumped at the awaiting arms of iwaizumi and he was still the bara arm babie you remembered
‘i missed you, doll’
he whispered
‘hmmm,,,i missed you more’
he let you go and you skipped over to makki who engulfed you in his arms and you felt his soft brown hair because you remembered he loved it when you ran your fingers through his hair
‘youve grown! so much! you got even more beautiful!’
he exclaimed and you giggled, bashful at his compliment
‘hmm~, no i didnt’
he gave you a deadpan look and you chuckled before scurrying away towards the one you wanted to hug the most
he definitely got more toned and he got taller too
you didnt have any time to react since he grabbed you and squished you against him
‘youre here, oikawa-san’
he nuzzled his head against your neck
‘mhm, im here now, y/n-chan’
he placed a kiss on your nose and you scrunched your face but there was a big smile that was clear
then oikawa’s eyes trailed from your face to your,,, ahem,,, girls
‘jesus, y/n-chan really grew, huh’
he complimented and you blinked confusingly before trailing after his eye’s gaze and it landed on your chest and you punched him
‘urusai, oikawa-san! my eyes are up here! youre so perverted. pervert oikawa-san’
you pouted and moved to seek comfort in the arms of makki
‘hmm, oikawa’s perverted as usual. i think it got worse with all those argentinian women’
makki teased and mattsun joined to poke fun at their captain
oikawa whined and told iwa they were making fun of him to which his own best friend betrayed him and starting teasing him too
you simply watched on and your eyes watered, your sniffles catching their attention
‘eh? why are you crying, y/n-chan?’
oikawa asked while approaching you to wipe your tears with his thumbs
but you shook your head with a teary smile
‘n-nothing-just,,,, i missed you guys. an-and im so happy because its like our f-family’s back together and i just-i-’
you cried but it was out of happiness and their hearts warmed
ofc they felt guilty because they were aware that they werent as in touch as they shouldve been so you probably felt lonely and casted aside without any contact from your boys
but they know now to make sure you feel loved and cared for because as you keep saying, they were your boys
they were a family
seijoh is a family 
and you love them 
but they love you more
a/n: okay im sorry this is probably trash and all over the place and im crying and stressing but ive been writing in between my college alg homework and its been so hard like WHY IS NUMBERS SO HARD LIKE WHAT-?! but this has kinda been the baby of my break time and relaxing few minutes bc i procrastinate too much and i want to do something i like before i actually go insane and i promise PROMISE that once everything is cleared up i will edit this and im already working on the other requests so expect a few to be out by the end of the week or something like that!!
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7ven-devils ¡ 4 years ago
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A really long overanlysis of minecraft servers.
This will be my only warning, this shit is really long.
I promised this to @ivi-prism 2 weeks ago (hi, i am Svetla) but university said no and then i feel my notes were incomplete so i have to do more research.
So let's talk about anarchism and capitalism. As a future political scientist, really bugs me how the fandom and some content creators (im looking at you techno) misinterpret both theories.
Yeah this will be a overanalysis about the political, social and economic system of two minecraft servers. Why? Cause i like analysis things like this and finally i can solved what is the system of hermitcraft and thats make me happy.
Things to consider:
First im not native english speaker and im lazy so im not often write or talk in english so my typos can make Doc really proud.
Second i don't watch Dsmp i only know things about the server by the animatics, the constant information wich pop up here on tumblr, the crossover fanfics and the tiny vods that youtube insist play when i have activate automatic reproduction.
Third i tried to simplified this much as i can because this analysis i maded talking with my friends (also political scientists) and a former professor, so it got quite technical while i was writing it.
And finally don't take this seriously, I'm not trying to insult anyone, I only started this because the hermitfandom started saying that hermitcraft was capitalist and then everyone started comparing the Dsmp with hermitcraft saying anarchism vs capitalism, that's why the dsmp entered into this analysis.
Guys, seriously chaos isn't anarchism and "sucefully economic" isn't capitalism, even paid with "money" (diamonds in this case) isnt necessary capitalism.
First, mini glossary:
I understand a server like a Society/State (country) with Mr Weber definition. In really vague words a State is anyone that has a territory and has legal control of violence (the laws, no the abuse of authority).
I understand the private property as the hermits bases and/or shops (i suppose only base in dsmp? Idk)
I understand the mass production as the farms and resources.
Capitalism is a economic, politic and social theory, wich it considers private property essential and tends to monopolize the resources 'cause this it also considered private property.
Anarchy means "without government" it has its origin in the Ancient Greece. And Anarchism theory is just a society free from any political authority, but respecting the liberties of the others.
A Failed State is which one lose control of the legal violence, and can't provide the peace, essential human rights and the basics for a normal lifestyle to its people.
I think thats all the bored shit (i hope so). Now the interesting shit.
Why hermitcraft isnt capitalist?
Short answer, their idea of private property is not the same as capitalism has.
Long answer, even if they have their own stuff, they had a really strong sense of community and dont really care if someone take things from them.
We can see this in the beginning of season when Iskall take some mini blocks from Etho and he didn't really care (yeah, iskall "paid" him, but later i will explain this) or the multiple times Grian "borrow" things from Iskall and Mumbo in season 6 or Scar in season 7, the team ZIT constantly take things from each other and i can go on and on with examples, but the point here is this couldn't happen if they had a capitalist society because this would break the "private" part of private property and mass production.
Basically their friendship made so strong their sense of community that they are basically inmune to capitalism, Uncle Marx would be proud of them (not really, but would be funny). So they are communist? Nope, communist don't believe in private property and the hermits does.
But you just said-? I said they dont has the SAME idea of private property as capitalism does. They still have their bases, farms and shops, but for them their private property isnt sacred like in a capitalism system would be.
They're respect each other things because they appreciated the effort and values the time the person puts on their buildings and not only because doesn't belongs to them (and obviously cause theyre frends, but shush, this is a overanalysis, the obvious things doesn't have place here) i mean even for the shenanigans they are really polite and try to cause the least damage possible not because is not of them but because they valued the person.
Basically the famous honor code of hermitcraft.
What about the economic system and the shopping district?
Lets talk about the elephant in the room.
If Hermitcraft isnt a capitalist system, why they have a economic system based in diamonds?
Well, despite the exchange based in money for resources or services is a principal characteristic of capitalism, it isnt exclusive of that theory.
The money is a social consensus, cause barter has becomes obsolete and gold isnt cheap or infinite to use as payment. And basically, this is why we use money on this days (if you want to know the history of money ask to your trusted historian or Wikipedia).
What does this remind us? Yep, diamonds and iou's are a consensus too. When the 1.16 came out some hermits tried to change to netherite as payment and didn't suit, so they ignored it and continued with their current payment system.
And as much as Mr Smith likes to say that this is how the free market (and his stupid invisible hand) works, capitalism needs the monopoly of resources and people who works to pay for those resources.
But in Hermitcraft nobody really controlled the resources, anyone can go and collect their materials or made a farm. They just decided don't do it and go and buy it, because they save the time to go and collect for themselves, in other words they paid for the time.
Various hermits say they saved so much time go and buy the materials instead to collect themself or trade with the villagers (cause theyre the worst and all of us know it) thats why the barge and lookie lookie at my bookie are so profitable.
The shopping district it wasn't a thing before season 4, i dont really sure how it worked before, because i started watch in season six and sadly i have a boring adult life to saw the old seasons, but i assume it works in the same way that the trades the hermits does between them to accord a discount or a collab, and speak directly with the interested hermit or directly take it and pays what's considered it was fair, like iskall did with etho.
Like i said all what's happen in hermitcraft is a consensus, even the shopping district.
So yeah, that isnt a thing that would happen in a capitalism system, probably you would be dead, because "how are you dare to entered to my property", or in the jail, "because thats not yours".
So, what is hermitcraft?
For the surprise from much of you, Hermitcraft has an anarchist system.
What?! But their server is so peaceful, they don't steal from each other, they doesn't griefing, hows that possible?!
Well, the anarchism isn't really a violent political theory, at least in its beginning, actually anarchism is one of the most peaceful theories i studied, thats why i dont really thing it will worked in our society, but work in a server of 24 friends. Its too idealist.
I don't really study all of the thoughts corrents of anarchism because they are a lot. But the one we are interested is one of original thought corrent, The Mutualism, this in contrast with their cousin Communism doesn't believes the private property was something bad and considered like one of the rights from the individual, but different as capitalism because like i said before it wasn't sacred and communal things will exist to help others to start or recover.
Proudhon, one of it intellectuals, considered not paid for the work of the other it was a form to violate their liberties and feel horrofied with Marx when he said we have to abolish the private property.
The mutualists believes that each person should possess a means of production, either individually or collectively, and the products obtained would be trade in the market for the amount equivalent of their work.
This sound familiar, isnt it? Hermitcraft works in this way.
The thing with anarchism is they don't believes in a government over the people. And the hermits doesn't have one, yeah there's Scar being the mayor, but he isnt have a power over the rest and only is in charge of the "cowmercial district" even aquatown isn't part of his jurisdiction, his function is more of organization, like when we put a friend in charge to organizing part of a roadtrip.
It's the same with Xisuma figure, we all put him in a position of the admin of hermitcraft, but the truth is he isnt the only one with admin commands (but apparently some or all of them losed their admin status, at least in one of the last tango's streams, he hasnt it anymore) and various hermits said that he is more like an ambassador of them in the legal things of the server.
The hermits take all of they decisions in group and in the majority of things all of them needs to be agreed with the decision or they simple doesn't do it. And this is a characteristic of the mutualism because for them anyone are over the other.
And if you aren't already bored at this point and you put attention to what i wrote of the concept of private property in the mutualism, you would see it is practically the way hermitcraft works. They make their bases and farms, recolect resources and sell what they don't will use, buy mostly to save time and paid for the price what they considered fair. Yeah i know sometimes they do some farm specifically for one shop, but this is more "yeah, this is my thing" (Tango and Iron; Ren and wood) or a division of activities "if you do that, i do this".
The perfect utopia.
What about the Dsmp?
If you do it to here, congratulations.
So what about the Dsmp, i entered here because i want to read of them and the only thing i read was about hermitcraft.
Well, the Dsmp only entered in the equation because much of you said they were an anarchist server, but i see it more like a "failed state" and when i was talked with an exprofessor he agreed with me.
I know the term of failed state is controversial and is almost obsolete, but is the best way to describe the server and stop said it is anarchist.
So why failed state and not an anarchist state? Because they have a government (or apparently multiples) a failed one, but is there, if it were an anarchist server wouldn't have one.
Usually the failed states are known for being violent and volatile places in which ones their governments can't provides the basics to their people to live, normally are places with ethnics conflicts, civil wars, authoritarian governments or states in wars. The most common examples are HaitĂ­, Somalia or Syria.
And i am sure you can see the similarities with the Dsmp, so yeah, theyre chaotic but not anarchist.
The wars ruined the stability from the server, have a multiple sides and a megalomaniac for admin, but the goverment still there and they are fighting for the power wich wouldn't happen if the server were anarchist because anarchism don't believe the power should be possess for someone.
The server simply is failed state wich struggles under a violent fight for power.
--------------------------------------------------
If you read this far, you're a hero and had my gratitude for read my useless thoughts. Maybe some day i do it other overanalysis of this servers. I hope you enjoyed and dont confused so much.
Thanks for read.
And if there are some angry economist with me for "misrepresent" the capitalist i am completely open to a debate, my only condition is it would be in chilean spanish ;)
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autisthc ¡ 2 years ago
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ok i took the amtrak train back to ******* and ive been spending a lot of my life now just trying to absorb the current moment so i dont have pictures and i didnt even draw any of it (maybe ill paint it all later this week) but it feels so surreal coming back to an apartment and a life and a roommate that im really learning to love and be comfortable with.... like every dream that i excitedly talked to on the phone with my friends in highschool has come into fruition. sometimes i get very sad that people from back then arent here anymore, i cried on the bench at the botanical gardens because i wished i could just share this life that im proud of with them. they arent here anymore, but i am and im alive despite it all. he tells me we are the type of people who never stop loving people with the intensity we used to. our love is the loyal kind, and it lasts despite the hurt and even past the death of a relationship in this lifetime. i think of all my old friends, maybe its something in the air about this time of year that makes me revisit the past and the people in it. ghosts and ghosts and silhouettes and people who were probably just projections...... well i love myself now and most days that is enough but i know if i was coming back to a home devoid of the comfort ive built i would eat myself up with the loneliness.... a big part of my past failures was the inability to communicate in simple terms. i need to be told directly how much you care about me, and i need to feel like you are proud to love me. i still struggle with this and maybe i always will, but there is something inside of me that needed a lot of attention. i used to want to be famous and fabulous, but now im mastering the magic of everyday life. i just want this to last forever now. im waiting for the other shoe to drop, to see how it all changes this time. "i elongated my lift home, i let him take the long way round. i smelt your scent on the seatbelt and kept the shortcuts to myself."
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