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munsonsprincess11111 · 10 months ago

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Panic attacks.

Eddie munson x reader

Summary: Eddie's having a bad day in school. He's doing everything not to have a panic attack. He doesn't even know what's wrong with him. He's sat at lunch leg bouncing. Hands sweaty. He needs help but the man will never admit it.

Eddie's sat at lunch n he's a hot mess. Shaking. Heavy breathing. He feels like the rooms spinning. Like everything ten times louder. Feels like he could throw up. He needs help. He doesn't even know what's wrong. Will he ask for help? Nope.

"Dude are you sure your OK?" Gareth askes concerned.

Eddie just mumbles and keeps his face in his hands.

You come walking over. Smiling ans joyful.

"OH no the devil in disguise." Jeff jokes as you approach the table.

"Hilarious honestly you should ditch hellfire and join the comedy club your that funny." You joke back. You look down at Eddie and your face goes from happy to concerned. "You OK hunny?" You ask noticing his state.

He nods but other then that ignoring your even stood there. Normally Eddie's hands would be all over you by now talking non stop. You know somethings wrong.

"You sure?" You ask raking your fingers through his mess of curls. As your nails make contact with his head he flinches. You pick up Eddie's tun lunch box and hold your other hand out. "Common." You say to Eddie.

He finally looks up at you confused. "Let's go Common." You walk off. Eddie looks at the rest of hellfire and then gets up and walks off with you. Once you exit the cafeteria his head drops to your shoulder as you walk along taking his hand in your free one.

You both say nothing. Just walk down the halls in silence. Enjoying eachothers presence. However Eddie is still on the verge of his break down. "Where did you park?" You ask quietly "normal spot." HE mumbles back. You nod and walk to where Eddie parks.

He unlocks the side door opening it for you then climbing in after him. You pull the sofa in the back and turn it into the bed. You kay down opening your arms for Eddie. Eddie comes over and lays down next to you. Putting his head on your chest arms around your waist and hooking one leg over your legs.

You wrap your arms around him holding him close to you. Eddie closes his eyes and his breathing starts to slow down. His leg still bouncing slightly. But he's finally calming down.

"What's going on hun?" You ask quietly. You sit still holding the boy. He let's out a shakey breath. He hides his face in the crook of your neck finally speaking.

"Everything is becoming stressful again. I wanna skip lessons but I don't wanna fail. I'm not sleeping until late cause I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. And when I wake up I wake up late so I forget my meds which really isn't helping. By the time I remember I'm in first period. I go home take them and bam another night not sleeping. But if I Dont take em all together then I feel worse. I just need a break. And I feel like I've barely seen you and I really just need you and only you right now. The only time I see you out of school is with someone else present where its a group hang out. And I feel really fucking selfish but I just need something."

He broke. His eyes welled with tears. His breathing uneven. And a shaking mess. You run your hand comfortingly through his hair.

"Babe. You should've told me. We can hang out anytime just us you say the word I'm all yours OK? Don't feel selfish for needing something. How about I come stay at the trailer tonight? We van watch some movies and start fixing your sleep schedule for starters. I'll stroke your head until your asleep. N ill make sure we wake up on time and you take your meds." You whisper stroking his back.

He let's out a relaxed breath. "I don't deserve you. Your fucking perfect thank you love you so much. N yeh I sleep way better when your at mine no Idea why guess its just comfort." HE removes his head from your neck looming at you

"I love you to n ill always be here for you. I'll stay tonight so u get up for school n ill stay the weekend even Sunday night? That OK?" You ask. Eddie nods putting his head on your chest. 10 minutes later you both walk back into school hand in hand. You take Eddie to class and he promises to meet you at your class after school and you part ways.

-next morning-

6:53am. The clock read when Eddie woke up. He looked at laying on your side. Arm still drapped over Eddie. He squeezes you tighter kissing your head. "Babe, gotta wake up sleepy." HE says laying sweet kisses on your face.

You stir awake amiling at Eddie. He kisses your lips and you scrunch your face. You knew full when you had morning breath but Eddie didn't care. "Howd you sleep?" You ask running your hand up his side.

"SO fucking good. Best night sleep in about a month I won't even lie to you." HE says kissing your neck.

"You fell asleep so early 9 o'clock u went." You smiled at Eddie.

"Mmm was the head and back scratches." HE lays next to you hugging you.

You smile at him happy you could help him. Laying your head on his chest. You stayed in that position for another 5 minutes before getting up and dressed for school.

Your making toast for you and Eddie as he walks out slipping his top on giving you a brief glimpse of his happy trail which your eyes went to immediately.

"After school." HE winks kissing you.

"Meds hot shot." You says as the toast pops and you butter it. He opens the cabinet getting out his anxiety and adhd meds popping one of each in his hands.

"DO I need the adhd one I'm so fun without it." Eddie askes smirking popping both pills in his mouth drinking some milk from the cartoon.

"Mmm your fun on it to even better actually." You say passing him his toast.

"Mmm ok" he eats his toast and then you both brush your teeth. He stands behind you keeping one hand on your waist as you brush your teeth. And then off to school and you arrive with 10 minutes to spare.

You both approach the hellfire members and they look shocked to see Eddie. "Morning ladies." Eddie greets himself to the boys. Lighting a cigarette in the process pulling you close to his side inhaling and exhaling the smoke. "Cold isn't it."

"Dude your early to school jeez." Gareth says hugging his girlfriend trying to keep warm.

Eddie looks at you and smiles. "Thanks to y/n made me sleep n get up never knew actually needed to do that." HE said finishing his smoke tossing it on the ground.

Everyone parts ways ad the bell goes but you and Eddie. He walks you to the you both had kissing you. "Do we have to go in." HE smiles into your lips.

"Yep common." You kiss him one more time. "I love you."

"I love you too." ONE last kiss and a sutle ass swat and Eddie and you walk into class and arrives on time to the teachers and everyone else's response.

Yeah his anxiety gets the best of him sometimes. But he knows he will be OK as long as he's got you.

You and Eddie sit in the back wanting to be out rhe way. And Gareth walks in sitting in the middle row. "OH my god he came in on time shock to everyone thought the freak couldn't tell the time the amount of school he's missed." Jason comments seeing Eddie his friends laughing. Eddie gets a devilish grin on face.

"OH my god Jason carver came in 30 seconds thought he'd be able to count the amount of school he's attending or can't you cause your heads to full of me. If that's the case I'm honoured Jason but I have a girlfriend maybe one of your boy toys there will get u there in 23 seconds." Eddie smirks putting his arm around your shoulder. You can't help the smirk that creeps on your face.

Jason looks stunned at Eddie that he actually just said that infront of the class. Gareth still staring at the front then chimes in for Jason.

"He's backkkkkkkkkkkk."

#eddie m #eddie munson thoughts #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x yn #eddie smut #eddie x reader #eddie x you #rockstar eddie munson #eddie my beloved #eddie stranger things

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lifesteal-headcanons · 5 months ago

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🍞 missed me? ANYWAY BIG TIME ON CLOWNZY AND ECLIPSE FED ! and also medieval duo and pruple trio

Clown and Zam are nether born , which means theyre super resistant to warm / hot stuff but very weak to anything under 20 degrees celcius, so they usually eat very hot/warm things and even lava sometimes(its like water to them) theres like nether born jacuzzis and saunas that instead of hsing water they use lava and so that results in branzy or subz and vitalasy being worried as hell(heh) while clown n zam are just chilling

Branzy , subz and vitalasy are also enderborn , altough branzy has some slight aether (the aether is canon no one can tell me otherwise)gene alteration , so theyre all very immune to anything cold but will fucking crumble if they spend more than 20 minutes in the nether w/o something to cool them

Clown's clothes are also very thick and Zam's coat/cape thing (the one everyone draws him with) has fur on the inside to keep him warm , zam only slightly opens up his cape if hes in the nether for a small period of time

And we all know how subz has no shirt , i think vitalasy has just a tanktop under his bigass poncho thing and branzy tsnds to take his vest off a lot

Some orher things that have happened: Zam or Clown using lava buckets as a refresher or prank , purple trio eating straight up icicles together , subz and vitalasy eating a frozen pizza out of the freezer and zam waiting for the water and eggs to boil on the stove at 2am

theres more but im about to forget to take my meds so. ill see everypony later! Live laugh love

#ask #headcanon #lifesteal smp #clownpierce #princezam

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happyk44 · 4 months ago

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hiiii happy!!!! how do you feel abt jason's adhd? in my opinion, the books didn't really do a job illustrating it. how do you think it would manifest and affect him? i'd love to hear your opinion ☺️ i love you!!! 💖💓💗

Personally, I think of Jason as being autistic versus having ADHD. We know through Frank that having ADHD and dyslexia (both of which Frank does not have) is not an exclusive requirement to being a demigod. On top of that, Rick’s use of ADHD is not… great. My sister has been diagnosed with ADHD since she was five – she is very much the inattentive subtype, and I think Rick’s use of ADHD as a superpower of hypervigilance does sort of exclude people who primarily experience inattentive symptoms.

But those kinds of symptoms are not easily rewritten as “benefits” (which. yeah. It’s a disability), so I get why he didn’t include it. I remember reading a while back that when the books were first published, rewriting ADHD as a superpower/benefit to kids who had it was a common narrative, so, like, okay, but also. It’s been two decades.

But anyway. Jason. Yes! In general:

He gets easily distracted by different tasks, but to other people it just looks like he’s multitasking

He forgets to take care of himself a lot, forgets to eat, shower, drink water, sleep, talk to people and be social, etc

Auditory processing issues. During long speeches he starts to zone out because the sound eventually merges into all the other background noise he’s trying to filter out (wind powers and wolf vigilance amplifies the sound of everything) so he often encourages people to just get to the point and be upfront, and gets frustrated when people won’t. Also can’t stand people who talk in monotone (which is ironic because I think Jason doesn’t inflect or shift his voice very much)

Leo definitely uses his voice in various tones during conversation, so while Jason is like “oh my god, please stop talking in circles I have no idea what you’re saying”, it’s a lot easier for him to listen to Leo’s rambling monologues because he doesn’t speak in one or two tones

If it doesn’t interest him, the conversation can start to blur together as well because he struggles to focus on what’s being said. Fortunately, just because of how CJ and New Rome are structured, most topics at hand are things he likes (ancient Rome, gods, politics, etc). Unfortunately, Jason doesn’t really have strong human connections and his position as the golden boy of Camp Jupiter, champion of Juno, son of Jupiter, etc, etc, etc distances him from a lot of people so casual topics, like video games or TV shows, rarely get brought up to him in the first place

The onslaught of sensory issues makes it hard for him to focus. He’s taught himself how to filter things out, but it’s a constant practice to do and gets very tiring

Object impermanence – if he can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. Luckily for him, he doesn’t own a lot of things, but for things he has to keep tucked away in a drawer (like clothing), he slaps labels onto the container/drawer. Everything else, like the couple of misc trinkets he owns, he keeps out and obvious

One of things he does to help it avoid blending into the background is using sharp colour contrasts. So if its important – like medication or something, he might use a bright yellow basket on top of a black dresser or whatever because the yellow stands out so sharply it’s hard for the basket to blend into the background and so he remembers to take his meds.

Another thing is moving location. So he might move the basket from one side the dresser to the other and back again every so often

He’s pretty good at maintaining habits and routine (autism), but also if something happens that throws off the routine it takes months to get back on track and it is the worst thing ever, it is grueling and he hates it. Habits and routine are not innate, they are a constant active conscious choice he makes every day

Making plans can be difficult, even in battle or on quests when strategy is key. He can get tripped up on the small details and overlook the larger picture, or be so focused on the larger picture, he doesn’t see the small details. Because people have been so reliant on him for strategy, he’s more or less managed to get away with looking competent, but it’s always a competition with himself to remain on task, instead of narrowing into something that doesn’t matter

People will often comment on how fast he can get things done but its literally that he gets things done fast because sometimes he waits too long to do the thing (procrastination) and now he’s got like five seconds to the deadline, OR he has a burst of focus and gets that thing done as fast as he can before the executive function dips

He does get bored easily, so he'll flit between task to task, but it’s really that he needs stimulation, needs to be doing something, and if he’s not doing something, he’s losing his mind, and because he lacks a core sense of identity, he flits from task to task to find something that interests him (but there’s so little that does because he does not know who he is and he’s just mimicking people and it’s not the same)

Emotional dysregulation

He gets lost in his own head a lot. Part of it is just standard dissociation, but the other part is that his brain is always on, everything is firing at all cylinders, there is no quiet, it’s just noise and reminding himself of things he needs to get done on repeat, 24/7, loud as can be and he can't turn it off or lower the volume. His brain is full of bees and they won't stop buzzing

As a result, he probably has pretty bad insomnia

I think he has a lot of trouble getting stuff started. Body doubling encourages him to get started on stuff, and he’s never not been surrounded by at least one other person, so when he starts living alone in Cabin One after The Lost Hero, he is so confused that he can’t seem to force himself to pick up his shirt off the ground. And it just stays on the ground for days. Until he runs out of clean underwear and has no choice but to pick it up to get laundry started

He doesn’t own enough stuff to be fully disorganized, but if he does, he’ll have the most organized areas in his room ever, and then his closet is a mess because “well I don’t go in there a lot”

I think he tries to keep a spreadsheet/list of items he owns that he doesn’t use very often, but he still has doubles of a few things. Also so many batteries. He’s constantly like “I don’t think I have enough batteries” and then he buys the batteries and comes back, goes to update the list on the back of the door and it’ll be like “you have batteries. Stop buying batteries. There are too many batteries” and then he throws the batteries in the box that’s overflowing with batteries and forgets they exist again, but then, when he does need the batteries, it takes him so long to find the box

He would self-medicate on coffee if he didn’t hate the taste. He also doesn’t like soda. Or chocolate. So, you know, RIP to him. He’s rawdogging life. At least Leo can inhale caffeine like his life depends on it

He has the waiting mode problem, where if he has something scheduled at a certain time, it doesn’t matter how much time he has until that thing, he just. Waits. For the thing. Like he could get so much done in that time, but he can’t. Again, body doubling has helped, but living alone makes it so much harder

Reward systems don’t work with him. He doesn’t get the same sense of satisfaction that a neurotypical would after getting a reward after task completion. So when he absolutely needs to get something done but his brain is like “nah we gotta sit here and stare at this wall for seven hours while dissociating”, he just ends up screaming at himself a lot

Jason’s probably in a burnout so intense that if he took a minute to rest, his body and mind would shutdown for like three years.

He forces himself to get things done and screams at himself the entire time, and it hurts in a way he doesn’t understand but he has to do these things because there’s no other choice and people are relying on him.

Since he’s been groomed for leadership since day one, he’s never really had a chance to breathe that the other kids would get, so even when he finally has the chance to rest, it’s like his mind knows how unsafe that would be because shutting down completely would never be safe for him (trauma!!) so he just refuses to rest, which involves a lot of him getting lost in his own head or hyper-focusing on something (like spreading recognition of minor and forgotten gods) instead of. You know. Breathing

I think a lot of his issues with ADHD become more present after TLH when the quest is over and he’s alone. CHB has structure, but its not as narrow as Camp Jupiter’s routine and structure, and Jason lives alone, operates his own schedule, doesn’t really have other people to remind him of things, etc, etc, so the sudden shift makes him start to spiral a bit in his fears of incompetence.

It’s not that he’s incompetent, he’s very competent, but his problems were never as evident because other people had his back as he had theirs. He’s kind of like people w/ undiagnosed ADHD or autism who leave their support systems for university and suddenly school and life is the most difficult thing in the world, when before it was a lot easier

Timeblindness does affect him a lot, especially when he's doing something he enjoys. He wears a watch everywhere. And has a lot of backup watches

A lot of these probably overlap with autism but like, lol, I do primarily view him as autistic.

#adhd #jason grace #happy talks pjo #happy's asks #intergalactic-garbage

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naavispider · 1 year ago

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That one-shot about Lyle putting Spider in harm’s way was so angsty! But imagine..

Imagine if it was Miles who shot him that night.

How would he react? I imagine he’d feel mega guilty.

Quaritch shooting Spider, now that IS juicy...

"SPIDER!" Everything around him stilled. He watched in slow motion as the kid toppled over sideways, his limp body falling to the ground with a softer thud than it should. He forgot about the thanator, even as it gave a deafening roar and charged towards Lyle's side of the clearing.

Everything was a blur apart from the shape of his son's body lying still on the ground. The squad was no longer his concern as he sprinted towards Spider, grabbing him roughly by the bicep and turning him over. Blood drenched the kid's side, hot and wet and making him slippery to handle. "Spider?! Can you hear me?"

The boys eyes fluttered open. "JA!" Quaritch yelled, momentarily forgetting about the comms system. He reached a blood coated hand up to his neck. "Ja, get here. Spider's down."

He stripped the lower half of his pants leg off while he waited for the reply, folding it roughly and shoving it over the leaking wound.

"On my way. What's the damage?"

"He's shot. He's... he's shot." Quaritch couldn't say the words he knew would haunt him forever if Spider died from this. "Lower abdomen." The wound left behind by the rifle was huge - the AR-69s were designed for Na'vi targets twice Spider's size, and so was the ammo. "Stay with me, Spider."

Spider was struggling to talk. His breaths were coming short and choked, but Quaritch could tell he was awake beneath the pain. "Don't talk. Just breathe."

Before he knew it, Ja had arrived with a kneeslide next to him, immediately assessing the situation. Quaritch could feel him putting the pieces together as he scanned Spider's wound, though neither man said anything about the cause of the injury. "Keep staunching," Ja instructed the Colonel as he dug out various pieces of equipment from his medical kit.

Quaritch watched helplessly as Ja did his thing, a tense line forming between his eyebrows from the concentration he was using to save Spider's life. "Is he going to be okay," he asked in a hoarse voice.

"I'm doing my best," Ja replied shortly. The medic attached a device to Spider's wrist and looked at his holotablet, reading the data. He injected Spider with something, before sitting back a fraction and turning to Quaritch. "He needs a med-evac."

Quaritch had been expecting this outcome, but even so he hesitated for a split second before calling it in. What would they do to Spider at Bridgehead? The whole point of taking him on the field mission was to get him out of there, and now he had to be sent straight back. Quaritch shivered at the thought of more torment and interrogation waiting for the boy. He swallowed, pulling himself together as he reached up to his neck and changed the frequency on the comms.

"ATC West, we require immediate med-evac, sector 4, coordinates..." he glanced at his watch, "52.38, -1.81."

"Please provide the details of the patient," came the crackling response.

Quaritch passed on the necessary information, all the while holding a form hand down on Spider's small side. Ja was talking to him, trying to keep him conscious, but Quaritch had checked out of the scene. This was all his fault. It had been his shot that had it Spider - he knew it. It was a truth so complete and terrifying and it nestled its way deep into Quaritch's heart like a parasite. He wanted to reach in and rip it out with his bare hands, crushing his own heart in the process if he had to. He couldn't live with this truth. Not if Spider died. The realisation of the fact shook him irreversibly. He couldn't help the bile rising in his throat, or the sweat that seeped from his palms as Ja replaced the fabric of his pants leg with proper medical gauze.

There was only one thing that mattered. Spider had to survive. It was not only his own life at stake, but Quaritch's too.

#insert the 'oh shit here we go again' meme #but this time it was a request so it's not my fault #avatar the way of water #spider socorro #miles quaritch #miles spider socorro #recom quaritch #avatar 2 #atwow #my stuff #oneshot #ask

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factorialsotherfandoms · 6 hours ago

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... not attached to my other post-opc stuff (probably), but! some silly nonsense combining 'thunderstorms' prompt from polyship week with just. throwing a couple of my ships that I usually keep to seperate works together into a polycule to see what would happen. A proper exploration of the dynamics sometime might be fun, but for now...

Rather than explaining, have a little diagram. The polycule network if I'm doing this proper is MUCH bigger, but mini one just for this fic specifically. Johnny-Arthur is dotted as they're not really sure where they stand (also Arthur DEFINITELY would have more branches, but they are not appearing in this fic)

The phone ringing wakes Johnny up. He has been feeling a bit off all day, and so decided lying down was the better option; its not surrender to reduce your chances of face planting into the kitchen floor. Somehow he had fallen asleep, and also manage not to stab himself with the cross-point needle.

It's blunter than the full embroidery ones - he knows not to bring those to bed - but if he's feeling too shit for real physio he might as well do something asked of him.

Delicate movements, visible progress, try to tame shaking and janky hands.

Now he looks the entire ring is missing; Rubens must have checked on him, and set it to one side.

A buzz breaks his attention and - right. Phone.

Ideas slipping. He hates it, but its new.

It is not his phone ringing but Rubens', having been abandoned on the bedside table. Johnny reaches for it anyway - everyone who they want to talk to understands its not Johnny's phone and Rubens' phone, but Johnny and Rubens' phones.

"Hey," he thinks he says, groggy from the interrupted nap. "Who is it?"

"'Sup Johnny" sure enough, Balu takes the swapped phones in his stride. "You two doing alright?"

"I think so?" The question alone banishes… less grogginess than it once would have, but certainly some. "What's wrong? Is everything fine with you?"

"I'm good," Balu hastens to reassure. "Just, there's a storm warning out."

"And?" Why would… that matter? They're not near any waterways, and far enough from sewer grates to not need to worry about them overflowing.

"Migraine pills?" Balu does at least sound amused.

Three years ago, Johnny would have slapped his own head for forgetting that. As it is, he settles on swearing and rummaging around in the drawer.

And if he needs his pills…

"Oi Rubens!" He yells, pretty sure he'll be heard. "You got a minute?"

Balu laughs on the other end of the line, and Johnny pretends to ignore them as he reminds himself which - and how many - pills to take. The box has its own instructions, but inside is a handwritten note from all their experiments before.

Storm, storm, storm…

Remind Rubens to take his anxiety meds, too; Johnny's pills knock him even more sideways, it's just better than without them. Rubens... The lightning tends to bring flashbacks, and with those panic attacks, and Johnny is not going to have the fortitude to help him through it.

He's still reading the note and still being laughed at when Rubens pops his head around the door.

"Johnny?"

"Balu's on the phone for you," Johnny starts with, handing it over and taking the laughter from his hearing. "Says there's a storm coming; could you grab me some water? And you might want your meds too?"

Rubens hums, but does pluck the correct sheet from the drawer. Only once he has done that does he take the phone, putting it to his ear with a "Balu?"

A moment, and then.

"No."

"Okay?"

"Bye."

Rubens hangs up, and passes the phone back to Johnny. Johnny puts it on the counter while Rubens goes to get water.

It takes longer than Johnny would expect for Rubens to return. He is just starting to worry when Rubens creaks open the door, two glasses in hand. Johnny takes one as Rubens sits down, and together they take their medication.

Only after he's swallowed it does Balu realise that Rubens has changed into his pyjamas and, yeah okay, the pressure changes are already definitely getting to his head. He gives the water a few moments to go down, before flopping onto the pillows.

A few seconds later, Rubens joins him. Half sprawled over him, half tucked into his side, and with a hand over Johnny's eyes.

They both know how this goes by now; Johnny gets comfortable, and places his own hands over Rubens' eyes.

There is little point in speaking as they wait for the storm, so they just tuck into one another. Johnny, on consideration, thinks the best use of time is to fall asleep.

---

It is a little while later Johnny wakes to his bedroom door cracking open. Immediately he is on high alert - no matter the pain, no matter the blurred vision, Rubens is in his arms and nothing should be at the door. It has not been long enough for his meds to properly kick in, but he can push aside the pounding to assess a potential threat. He lies, and he waits, and pretends to be asleep.

And yet, it doesn't come in.

"Hey," a familiar, non-threatening voice says instead. "Balu, Ivete, and I came over. They're making some food, if you're feeling up to it."

Mother Mary, no, he cannot think of anything worse than eating right now - except, perhaps, movement.

And yet, from the kitchen, Johnny can hear the sounds of both cooking and messing around. Laughter and clashing pans, and it's not much good for his head but… he can handle it, far away as the kitchen is.

Wait who is it, he knows them, he's just…

Answer the question.

"We're fine," Johnny says, careful not to wake Rubens as he keeps sleeping on - the lightning hurts Johnny physically, but his memories are far less intense. "just come in, Arthur; I can see your pyjamas from here."

And he can; those trousers are definitely designed for sleeping in, even if hidden by the long coat.

They all know how storms go by now.

And sure enough, Arthur barely waits for the offer. He discards his coat to reveal no shirt at all, and kicks off borrowed slippers as he scrambles into the bed. He squirms into place, pressing against Rubens' back - looping his arm over him and to touch Johnny's shoulder. Johnny shuffles to move it somewhere better, but lets him do what he wants.

Rubens also adjusts, not nearly awake enough to truly understand what is happening, but clinging to Johnny with one hand, and now Arthur's arm with the other.

Johnny shushes him back to sleep, and sees Arthur doing the same.

Their eyes meet, and up close... It gives Johnny a chance to actually assess his condition.

It doesn't look like Arthur's been sleeping enough; his eyes are dark, and movements a little slow. Johnny won't be having that, especially if he can get him to also sleep and so avoid conversation with this headache. He reaches around, pulling at the blankets until they cover him. Once he is done he pulls his arm back, wrapping it back into place around Rubens. Arthur's stays where it was, resting on his shoulder.

Arthur says something, but the movement caused the migraine to spike. Johnny has no idea what he said, and knows that asking for clarification will never work.

"Pyjamas mean sleep," Johnny tells him instead, deciding to avoid it entirely. "Shush."

He does recognise the mouthed apology, and how Arthur tucks himself tighter into Rubens' back. Content this will solve at least two problems, Johnny curls a little more around them in turn.

Arthur clutches at his shoulder.

Johnny… He does not know Arthur as well as he knows Rubens, or Balu, or even Ivete. But he does know that Arthur is a tactile young man, and one who has known the worst of consequences at that. If he's clinging…

Well, Johnny untangles one of his arms from Rubens, using the other to pull him a little closer. He takes that arm and reaches across himself, over to touch Arthur…

He doesn't know how to hold him, is only used to Rubens and his preferences, and so settles for cupping the back of his head.

It seems to get the point across; Arthur relaxes under Johnny's arm, falling almost into putty as he idly tangles fingers into his hair.

Johnny forces himself to stay awake another few moments, just to make sure. But Johnny does not hear more words - sense-making or otherwise - and neither Arthur nor Rubens indicate any distress. At this distance the surely loud laughter in the kitchen is a quiet reassurance, barely audible over the thunder and the rain.

And so, he allows pain and medication to drag him back under, and to sleep.

#opc #ordem paranormal #ordem shipping #op fic #i can't decide if this is cute or crackfic #but it's one or both of them

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fluentmoviequoter · 1 year ago

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I've been trying to think of more Victor prompts, so I looked at whump prompts bc that's my favourite type of fics, and I feel like this could work for him. Like, he gets injured and turns off the pain so by the time the danger passes he forgets about it, and its not visible like external bleeding so others notice. Could be internal bleeding or head injury? If you can make something out of my rambling that would be impressive lol

I've never clicked on a request faster. I love this! I think I understand what you're asking for and hope I did it justice! I went with a concussion because it's internal but not too severe, since he can't go to the hospital or anything. I'm not sure how I feel about this, so if you want me to change anything or rewrite I can. Please let me know what you think and keep the Victor requests coming!!🤍

Warnings: spoilers for Vicious, concussion + descriptions of symptoms, detailed fight (inspired by the hallway fight scene in Daredevil), I think it can be read as platonic or romantic (the ending leans a little more romantic but I think it still works either way), fluff, and a brief Batman reference.

Word Count: 1.9k+ words

A/N: I imagine this takes place after Vengeful, but I don't think there's anything specific to place it there. I love writing for Victor and feel like I'm getting a little better at capturing him; he's a complex character but so much fun to write for! I'm working on a few fics for other characters, but to be completely honest, Victor requests will probably jump the line. I hope you enjoy this and please let me know what you think!

Masterlist Directory | Victor Vale Masterlist | Request Info (OPEN)

I Forgot

“Sneaking into a corporate building this size cannot be a good idea, Vic,” you point out. “There will be private security, cameras, everything you can imagine times ten.”

“Mitch is hacking the security system, and I can manipulate the pain of the guards so they never even see us, all of which will give us time to get the information we need,” Victor responds, not looking up from the blueprints on the table.

“Why is this a three-person job again? If it’s that easy, you and Mitch can do it.”

“It’s easier for him to focus on the guards and let you get the intel,” Mitch explains.

“Yeah, he’s not a great multi-tasker,” Sydney adds.

“We can’t all have the brain capacity and speed of a twelve-year-old girl,” Victor calls over his shoulder. He looks at you to say, “I need you in there. Are you in?”

You sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose as you stand behind him, looking over his shoulder. You ask, “Where are we getting in?”

The corner of Victor’s mouth raises nearly imperceptibly, the closest thing you’ve ever seen to a smile, before pointing to a side entrance.

“This is the fire escape door. Mitch will hack their system, disable its alarm, and we’ll be in,” Victor says, dragging his finger across the blueprint as he outlines a route to the server room. “Most of the security guards will be patrolling the outside, and we’ll hit during their shift change. Mitch got their schedules, and we know when the optimal time is. Less guards and less ground covered by them.”

“Seems easy enough.”

“I know.”

“Sarcasm, Vic,” you and Mitch say together.

Victor looks at you and rolls his eyes before mouthing, “I know.”

“Alright, Mr. Pre-Med, if you know everything, tell me what happens if you don’t see one of the guards and they take a shot at us.”

“I turn the pain off, and we keep going.”

“Bleed out, got it,” you mumble under your breath.

“Getting shot hurts,” Sydney adds.

“You don’t say,” Victor quips.

You and Sydney look at each other and smile.

“This is why I never make jokes.” Victor sighs.

“Sorry, Vic. Go over it one more time?”

He shows you the route again and points to the areas most likely to have security and personnel presence.

“And if someone calls the police and they surround the building?” you ask.

“We do what we do best,” Victor replies.

✯✯✯✯✯

“You’re clear,” Mitch says. A mechanism above the door clicks as the alarm disconnects and it unlocks.

“Where did you get these earpieces?” you ask, following Victor through the fire escape door.

“iSpy.com,” Mitch answers.

“Focus,” Victor snaps, looking over his shoulder at you.

You nod, stopping behind him as he looks around a corner.

“There are three guards down there,” Victor says.

Two clear thuds sound and Victor signals for you to follow him. When you step out behind Victor, you glance to the left and see three grown men curled up in pain, rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Victor drops two more guards, who never see either of you, before putting his hand out and stopping you.

“There’s someone else here,” he whispers.

“No heat signatures on the security feed's infrared,” Mitch states, clicking sounds echoing in your earpiece.

“Any idea where they are?” you ask.

Victor shakes his head and looks over your shoulder before looking the other way.

“Let me go first, the server room is right around the corner. I’ll let you know if there’s anyone in there. Otherwise, keep everyone out,” you suggest.

He hesitates before nodding, watching you walk past him and silently open the door, signaling that the room is empty before slipping inside. Before he can register the sound of footsteps or a door opening, someone wraps an arm around his neck. Victor pulls the arm, twisting the man in front of him before slamming him against the opposite wall.

Two more guards enter the hallway, and Victor tries to turn their pain dials but gets distracted by the man in his arms. Turning to his right, he shoves the first guard into the second and brings his elbow down on the wrist of the third as he pulls his gun.

Grunting, he imagines the dial but loses it again when a hand grips his shoulder. Pulling the wrist over his arm, he flips the guard and takes a deep breath. All three men gasp before crying out in pain. Victor smirks as he stands over them, oblivious to the alert being sent to all of the security guards in the building.

✯✯✯✯✯

“Mitch, what am I even looking for?” you ask, bypassing the password screen as Mitch lets you into the system. “And why can't you do this remotely?”

“Their system won’t allow internal downloads, someone has to download it to a destination outside of their network. Since I’m tapped into the network, you’ll have to put it on the external drive I gave you. The file should say something like ‘Eli Project’ or ‘Project Eli,’ if Vic’s information is right.”

“Got it. How’s Victor doing?”

“Looks like he’s dropping bodies as usual.”

You hum as you click through the files in the central server. You trust Victor, but companies publish false information to catch hackers and preserve trade secrets. His intel may be wrong. No file names match the criteria; the word ‘Eli’ isn’t in any of the files you view.

“Victor’s never been wrong before?” you ask.

“Rarely.”

✯✯✯✯✯

Victor pulls a gun from a guard before slamming the handle down on his forehead. Panting, he stands and increases everyone’s pain, smirking as several pass out from the intensity. A gloved hand meets the side of his neck, and before he sees his attacker to debilitate them, his head is shoved into the concrete wall beside him.

“Unnecessary,” Victor says through gritted teeth.

He pushes back against the hand on his neck, turning to see the guard. After the initial impact, his head starts to hurt, a feeling he isn’t used to anymore, so he decides to turn it off and keep everyone away from you. As he turns, Victor sees the man swing his fist toward Victor’s head. Victor slips forward and turns his own pain down. Remembering where you are, he directs increased pain to every person in the building, even as he feels his control slipping.

✯✯✯✯✯

“I found it!” you cheer, dragging the files to download onto Mitch’s hard drive. “It’s an acronym.”

“For?” Mitch asks, clicking on his keyboard as he watches the files disappear from the company’s database.

“I feel like Batman,” you say quietly before answering, “Elevated Lexiconary Information Studies E-O. It is Eli. Although, no one would study e-words all the way through o-words in the same go, they should have thought that through better.”

“Focus,” Mitch reminds you.

“Right, sorry. Two to go… And we’re done. Thanks a million, Alfred!”

You can almost hear Mitch shake his head before requesting, “Get Victor out of there without causing too much permanent damage, would you?”

“That’s what I do best.”

You step out into the hallway and press your back against the wall when you don’t see Victor. He is supposed to be in sight and give you a signal that all is clear. Your eyes widen when you notice how many unconscious guards litter the hall. Victor isn’t in sight, but you hear footsteps and pained screams around the corner. Stepping carefully over each guard, you slowly walk to the corner and stop, watching Victor bend over and take a few deep breaths before standing.

✯✯✯✯✯

Victor’s control slips, a phenomenon that hasn’t happened since he first learned to control and use his ability. Several guards begin to stand as Victor gets dizzy and nearly forgets what he’s supposed to be doing. He hears your voice, talking to Mitch in his earpiece, and his head clears enough to regain control, flooring most of the guards before looking down the hallway in anticipation of the next round of reinforcements. They scream as he turns the dial too high, too fast, and he bends forward as his head spins and the light grows too bright, making him sick to his stomach.

✯✯✯✯✯

“Victor?” you ask, stepping into the same hallway corridor.

Victor turns toward you but doesn’t look up. You repeat his name, and his eyes narrow like he’s unsure who you are or where he is. Stepping toward him and reaching out, you try to figure out what’s wrong with him. He slurs something before falling forward, and you can’t catch him before he hits the floor.

Dropping to your knees beside him, you hold his head and neck still as you look around. No one is moving, the guards still seeming to be in pain.

“Mitch?” you ask.

“What happened? I’ve got one of the cameras up. That didn’t look good.”

“I don’t know, he just collapsed. He looked confused. Mitch, what do I do?”

Mitch answers that he’s on his way as Victor opens his eyes and looks at you, straining against your hands as he views you upside-down.

“If he hit his head, we shouldn’t move him, Mitch.”

You look at Victor and notice he’s regained consciousness.

“Hey. Are you okay?”

“Debatable,” he answers. “But good enough to get out of here. Let’s go.”

He numbs the pain again, ignoring you as you argue with him that he shouldn't move and ask him if he hit his head. Focusing on your voice helps, but he’s still dizzy, nauseous, and slightly disoriented. You meet Mitch at the fire escape door and help Victor before you climb into the car, exhaling as you allow your shoulders to drop. Sitting in the backseat together, you turn in your seat to talk to Victor.

“And just when were you going to tell me about your head? Before or after you collapsed in the hallway?” you ask.

“I forgot,” he answers.

“You forgot?”

“I forgot.”

“Mitch, take us to my place, please,” you ask, looking into Victor’s eyes as you speak. “I think you have a concussion, Vic.”

“You have a place?” he asks.

“I’m the only one not posted everywhere as a missing child or wanted for escaping prison. I figured one of us should have a place to land.”

Victor nods, blinking slowly before his eyes close again.

✯✯✯✯✯

Victor groans as he wakes up. “Did Mitch run over me?” he asks.

“No, he did carry you inside after saving you in his car, though. You have a concussion, a fairly severe one based on the scene in the hallway. Want to tell me what happened?”

He sits up slowly, looking around the dark, unfamiliar room. “Where are we?”

“My place. Keep that ice on your head.”

Victor presses the ice pack to his head.

“So, what happened?”

“One of the guards came up behind me. I didn’t see him, so I couldn’t stop him. He slammed my head into the wall.”

“And you thought, ‘it’s probably fine, I won’t tell anyone?’”

“I turned off the pain and forgot,” Victor says, shrugging.

“You forgot,” you repeat, chuckling quietly.

“I can’t see you.”

“Yeah, light is bad for concussions. So is noise, so I’m going to give you a little time to rest. Sydney wants to come check on you when you feel better; let me know when you’re up for some company.”

As you near the door, preparing to give him some privacy and silence, he whispers, “Thank you.”

You freeze, not used to hearing Victor Vale express gratitude. Even though he can’t see you, you smile at him.

“You’re welcome. And it’s only because it’s you.”

Victor’s chuckle follows you out of the room, and his subsequent calls for help - and company - are nowhere near the inconvenience he seems to think they are.

#victor vale x reader #victor vale #vicious ve schwab #requests #fem!reader #whump

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bainofjustice · 1 year ago

Text

Payday's Most Forgotten Main Character - Speical Agent Jordan Griffin

Introduction

Hello, as my description at time of writing says I am Jordan Griffin's number #1 fan but you see I haven't given myself this title because I've made lots of fan content (I'm working on that) but because I am one of only two of her fans (I recruited a friend to her Fandom). (Might be three but IDK who wrote the Payday 2 character tv tropes page)

I want to have to fight for this title, I wanna see others think about & explore her character.

So I am writing this! It will cover all of her canon appearances, where I would have taken her character within Payday 2's plot & some theories and headcanons.

Payday: The Web Series

Jordan is one of the main characters of The Web Series & outside of Bain, Vlad Kozak Gage & brief scenes is one of the only characters to appear in multiple episodes. She is also the only character I would agure has a arc thoughout the episodes & acts as a recurring pov.

The audience first meets Jordan Griffin in episode 3, she is discussing with her partner (Agent Riker) about her thoery that Hector Morales is working for Crime.Net, Agent Riker attempts to brush off this thoery by both pointing to how little evidence she has found about Crime.Net & pointing to her mental health (stating that she must just be tried, implying she is not in her right state of mind). When this scene ends it is revealed Bain already has eyes on her and placed Riker as a mole.

This scene established a lot of interesting stuff

Jordan with the limited info of the events of PD1 & the earliest heists of 2 was able to put enough evidence together to both figure out Crime.Net existed & its name. Remember that during the events of the web series it is just coming out of beta, likely meaning it's number of users was low & trusted allies so for Jordan to find all this meant some serious digging

I forget if it's on the board or if she says it (limited wi-fi so avoiding watching stuff) but she mentions Bain's name as the owner of Crime.net, not the most impressive as it seems like his name is mentioned a lot in the criminal world to the point that even yakuza clans know about him. Still I feel it worth noting.

This scene is also the first we see anyone (on screen, obviously off screen between 1 & 2 the FBI found out) in the FBI suspect Hector of being related to the Payday gang, it's also worth noting that Jordan already has him pinned of other crimes, possibly the same ones that got him got by the fbi. It's also interesting she didn't know he was a rat for the fbi & was working to arrest him.

Speaking of the board I mentioned, she has a whole conspiracy board in her office for the payday gang & crime.net, it has multiple of the contractors on it, including Vlad (whom at least by the time of Hoxton breakout the FBI believe is a law abiding civilian).

It is also established that Jordan deals with some ableism as a part of how Bain tries to deal with her, it's seen in Rikers comment and made more notable by the fact that Jordan is shown later taking unknown meds from a prescription bottle.

It is also established that Bain considers Jordan enough of a threat to have a mole specifically keeping an eye on her.

As a whole I consider this a strong start for building her up as a threat to the gang & a foil to them, much like them she is working semi out of the system to achieve her goals & like them is seeking answers for questions much bigger than herself, only issue is these traits are directed at taking down Bain & Crime.Net.

In Episode 4, Jordan interviews Dallas whom is undercover as the bank manager for First World Bank, thoughout this Jordan is very suspicious of him & he ends up leaving earlier than likely planned, taking his obertunity when Jordan is called away for something.

I find two things about this very interesting, first being that the series went semi out of its way to allow Dallas & Jordan to meet, while the cover was also used for the heist & the scene also allows for a interesting story telling device of showing different versions of scenes the audience already saw the scene could have easily been from Dallas pov woth random cops but no: it's a mixed pov scene & Jordan is used despite it actually making little sense given how she's treated in the FBI (I will get into that later)

I also find it noteworthy how Dallas treats her, it's very much as a real threat & he does his best to tell her the cover story straight but as it becomes clearer that she is suspicious & isn't falling for it he ends up taking a chance to escape before she can ask more questions.

Also funfact is that this scene is what established Nathan Steele as Dallas civilian name. Jordan also established in this scene being particular about being called Special Agent (Jordan) Griffin.

In Episode 5, Jordan manges to leak to a reporter her theories about crime.net, which ends up in the tv news. Jordan & Riker get pulled aside by their boss and get royalty told off because as it turns out, this isn't their job! Jordan has just been doing all of this on top her real cases for the fbi! She hasn't been getting any backing for them & clearly couldn't ask for help with the case given gets in trouble for it! No one told her to do this! She has just been doing it for herself while everyone tells her no!

She follows this up in the next scene by revealing to Riker that she suspects that there is a mole within their department of the FBI, it's later confirmed that she suspects him & told him as much, though also still keeps him close at hand, including when she goes otherwise alone to confront a member of Crime.Net.

THIS IS FOLLOWED BY REVEALING THAT RIKER'S HANDLER IS FUCKING VLAD "THIRD SHADIEST CONTACTOR & KATRU KING" KOZAK

So uh, yeah a lot happens at the end of an episode about the worst assassin Crime.Net ever hired aka Greta.

But wait! There's even fucking more! In episode 6 aka the finale of the web series most of the focus is on her & Vlad (well it's more about Vlad dealing with her) (& Gage but this ain't about him, I'll talk about him when I talk disability in Payday)

this wild episode starts off with Vlad getting called by Bain warning him that Jordan has taken an interest in him & has placed a tracker on his truck, this results in him blowing off Sofia (Aka the woman he has with him when visting the safe house) & as she insists on him staying with her that night (intercut as Vlad thinks with Jordan doing research about Vlad) he ends up pulling a gun on her asking if she isn't useful why does he keep her around. (This is interrupted before goes farther) (I'm noting that last bit for a reason.)

Next we see of Vlad he's getting driven to the spot that's been set up as a trap for Jordan as she follows, he is singing in a slavic language during this (also in previous scenes he has mostly talked in a slavic language besides from his threats to Sofia)

Then the big scene is next for the Jordan & Vlad storyline, Jordan arrives at the parking garage, this is when she confirms in banter with Riker that she is sure that he is the mole, she searches for a lil bit being very on gruad & then reaches the stairs.

This is when Vlad appears & holy hell this convo is interesting to me, especially looking back knowing a lot more about Vlad. So I am going to break this down a lot.

First Vlad says hello to Speical Agent Jordan Griffin, he very clearly already knows some of her quirks well. Meanwhile Jordan jumps right to questions, speaking in the same Slavic language Vlad has throughout the episode used when speaking with his men, she starts off asking how he knows her name which he answers a little birdie told him. Which does line up with what Bain did, including referencing her full status while warning Vlad.

Vlad follows up with

"I know many things, especially how in over head you [Jordan] are."

I'll come back to this later.

Vlad was interrupted by having to tell one of his men to stand down & that he has everything under control.

Vlad then tells Jordan that he doesn't have time to explain things but:

"-You must understand: You got too close to the truth and they will not let you live if you get any closer." -Vlad

Jordan then questions who "they" is, suspecting Crime.Net & Overkill (this was made back when the company included itself as refs & didn't decide yet the name belonged to a biker gang).

Vlad follows up by not answering but saying

"I like you special agent, we are like each other, more than you know."

He then shares that this all has been a "friendly" warning & warns that the next one won't be the same.

He then says that he hopes the pair will meet again under better circumstances, to which once again in a slavic language Jordan repiled with "Perhaps"

Vlad then leaves with his enforcer. Riker whom was waiting in the wings, gun ready arives as Jordan steps back to the floor they parked and when asked she says that she lost them.

Now lemme break down what I can

It is very interesting to me that throughout episode 6 using slavic language is almost showing your in with Vlad, when Vlad is pissed at Sofia he speaks in English, also speaking with Bain & Riker in English but with his enforcer in Slavic & then Jordan starts off speaking in his language and when he says he hopes they meet again under better circumstances it's also in slavic. This to me really shows there was at least some idea that Jordan would continue to be a force in Vlad related stories, perhaps working with him?

This is the first we see of Jordan actively lying & no less lying to cover her & Vlad's assess, til this point she is not shown actively lying

This is also we see of Jordan choosing to not chase a trail and call it quits before getting herself in shit, I do honestly believe in a convo with someone else Jordan would have not lied at the end saying they got away but instead tried to press forward.

Vlad in the very same episode made it clear that even minor things done by people he doesn't need may result in death, which to me brings up: what does Vlad want from Jordan? What does she have that neither Bain or another FBI agent could supply?

Thoughout the convo he treats her with more respect than really anyone else we see him in canon talk to, not once swearing or acting out but instead acting very calm & put together.

From some of the stuff he says it seems like he honestly wants to tell Jordan more but can't (he blames a time issue, but tbh I feel like it's more because the location was set up by Bain likely meaning he was watching.)

I also find the lines he says about her search for the truth really interesting as it really reminds me of what later happens to Bain, when he starts getting closer to the truth about the Katru he is nearly killed (in the bad ending is fr killed)

I also find the line that they are alike curious, at this time in the story Vlad wasn't too known for a inquisitive nature nor had he shown much interest in uncovering hidden truths. In the context knowing the story wasn't planned from the start I'm not sure what they were planning with this line BUT looking back with what lore we have for Vlad by the end of 2... I'll get to what I think in its own section.

Since this was the final episode this is the last we see of her in live action & even if she shows up again I think will be with a revast or non-live action as her actress is now a right-wing news caster in france 🙃

Appearances In Game

Jordan has two in game appearances!

First is on the second day of Hoxton breakout where she is one of the models spawned in FBI agents can have (model based off her episode 1 outfit).

She does not have any special A.I or anything else meaning any of the following can happen

Her model does not spawn, implying she was not at the office during the attack.

Her model does spawn but one way or another the gang does not interact with her, implying she hid during this.

Her model spawns & the gang zip ties her, leaving her somewhere she isn't killed, this is personally my hc for the canon of the game)

Her model spawns & she guns down a member of the gang, good for her! (This probably the least likely since she is not a special unit & would be in combat with the gang before any assault waves meaning fullish health)

Her model spawns & she is killed (Outside of not spawning this is one of the most likely for a player to do)

Her model spawns & the Joker skill is used on her, making her help the very gang she is trying to catch, possibly dying along the way.

At the end of the day this heist does very little to actually tell us anything about her or her fate as it is totally random what state she's in by the end, especially because as the tv tropes page for her points out most players don't even know who they'd be killing.

But... There is another heist she can spawn in, which neither the tv tropes page nor her wiki (which I need to update) mentions.

Her model can spawn in the Payday 2 version of Taxman, which if I'm not wrong is one of the few remasters that is a flashback/not happening a second time.

Which means that Jordan, likely unknown to Bain or the gang has been long on their trail, this also lines up with what her actual job in the fbi is (which in short is wire fuad, which is mentioned in a episode but I forget which one).

On the flipside if this isn't a flashback we can assume that Jordan is still alive post Hoxton breakout & that it sets a president that unless it's outright a part of the story of the heist named characters like Jordan don't die in heists where there's other options (Makes sense since Bobble Head Bob like Jordan can spawn in heists & die like she can)

I also suspect that Jordan can spawn whenever the game calls for a unarmored FBI agent to spawn but I am yet to test this. But if true basically means Jordan survives well into the endgame & only could for sure have died post Breakin' Feds.

Why I Wish She Was Used More/How I Would Fit Her Into The Plot

Why I Want More:

1. She is my blorbo & I love her 💖💖💖

2. The gang's enemies look like this rn (not counting post game dlc or 3):

A guy relying on the fbi to protect him who was merely a pawn of the fbi (Hector)

A bunch of mindless male police officers

A male police caption who only provides a physical threat

A male fbi head who is only a puppet to people

A male technical guy + military guy, provides a very real intelligental thread with implied help from a female hacker, later redeemed and helps the gang (Locke & Joy)

A mostly male (we never see a woman in Murkeater but I'm gonna assume there's at least one) paramilitary that doubles as a conspiracy group, provides both a physical & social threat

A male puppeteer master, is the only non-physical threat.

You might already see my point, thr gang lacks any non-male enemies which isn't great when combined with theor already low female cast. The developers have mentioned that they wanted to do better on that front & I think a female antagonistic force to the gang would have helped.

Also the gang is really lacking in intellectual threats, only briefly having Locke/Joy hack them which is resolved quick & they aren't a real threat after this & The Dentist whom pulls strings & is a threat to everyone's identities, their serach for The Secret & the world.

But really I think having another intellectual threat, especially one uninvolved with Murkwater would both help feel like the gang has a real risk of something like getting arrested or having their identities leak, I think it would also balance the cast a lot more.

Now while I wanna fix the above making Jordan a main angtag from the get go would change a lot & deserves its own post so here is some closer to canon ideas.

Here's a few ideas of how she could have been used, keep in mind these ideas are based off the limits that 1. The story wasn't planned from the start, 2. The story is mostly shown in heists & fbi files & 3. Jordan is not a main character & 4. My core Jordan thoery is not canon, otherwise this section would be more complicated & require inorging the lack of a plan plotwise.

Without the above limits I would just be giving a pitch for a fanfic I am planning.

Route 1: Mole For Vlad

This in my opinion is one of the more boring options but it is one of the more likely options they would have went with in canon.

For this Jordan would likely off screen started working for Vlad as a dirty fbi agent & in game either be mentioned as a informent or as someone setting things in the fbi hq for the gang in heists they go there.

This route would work well for fics or art that wants a easy route for Jordan to interact with the gang on friendly terms but I feel like outside of fanwork options this isn't the best route.

Ultimately it would make Jordan a bit of a non-character & betray the very justice focused Jordan we see in the web series plus it doesn't address the problems above.

But it is a option that other than what we did get is close to likely.

Route 2: FBI Pov

In this Jordan would remain looking into the Payday gnag though not being as forward, until the FBI files were added.

At that point I would have Jordan serve as the owner of the fbi computer that was hacked, perhaps having her leave notes on all the fbi files about her theories & what she's found.

Perhaps this results in a heist where the gang has to retrieve her evidence & kill her like the Hector heist.

It could also lead to her being the fbi member Kento contacts & sends codes to, perhaps desperate to catch the gang she helps him arrest The Elephant & possibly other contractors.

Or perhaps she remains uninvolved with the emails & instead serves as a pov for the fans not secret hunting by leaving confused files about the Katru related heists & files on clues she doesn't understand.

Route 3: Katru Investigator

Okay so this slimmer to the above, having her leave notes on fbi files & the hacked computer being hers but... The emails aren't, she hacked into the commissioners email & leaves notes on the emails, perhaps acting like a hint for them.

She would also take up what Spetkicguy did in the arg, hacking into things & finding more clues about Mrukywater.

This route likely ends with a callback to what Vlad said, Jordan would get too close to the truth of Murkwater and they would kill her.

My Core Thoery For Jordan Griffin/Route 4: King's Watcher

Okay before I start with this theory let me establish a few things that I will write metas about later:

Vlad is a Katru king, a member of a group of three humans that were selected by powerful beings to guard their secrets, this granted conditional immortality.

The other kings are The Elephant & The Dentist

Each king has a watcher, it is unknown how they are picked but I suspect it is decided by a higher power at their birth. They are meant to prevent the kings from abusing their power, they are also the condition for their King's immortality when they are alive their king cannot die & when they are dead their king can die. (after Dentist loses his he is able to be gunned down)

The known watchers were Bain & Kento, Bain leaves notes about this & Duke comments on & notes that Kento is a watcher as well which lines up with his role in Murkwater

Now that we have that established onto the thoery, which simply put is that Jordan is Vlad's watcher.

Let me first address the main counterpoints

Vlad's watcher is the Commissar!: that is a theory which well would make Dentist wanting the guy dead make sense. It would not make sense that Vlad never mentions him, we know Vlad loves revenge, he won't let his watcher being killed slide no matter how much he likes the gang

Vlad's Watcher Is His Brother In-Law!: Okay this is more likely than the last one & is one of the more likely canon options, so I won't aurge against this theory. Simply it isn't my taste, I find more interesting stories can be told with other options for watchers.

Vlad can die in dlc heists!: Yeah, that does point to his watcher being dead but there is nothing pointing to Jordan having to still be alive at this point. We also don't actually see his death, just that the timer says that but that could be either obsecing Vlad's involvement with the secret or simply not thinking out a different wording. So while him dying is what is said to happen I feel like for a thoery like this. Which is already... Shaky since it rests on a forgotten character I don't think it kills the thoery

Now onto my supporting evidence!

Vlad goes out of his way to make sure Jordan survives & was personally dealing with her. We see him both push aside others in his life like Sofia to focus on Jordan & go against the spirit of Bain's orders who said to deal with her by simply warning her.

The lines: "I know many things, especially how in over head you [Jordan] are." & "You got too close to the truth and they will not let you live if you get any closer." Which Vlad says to Jordan can both read as simply a detective being warned to avoid criminal conspiracy but... It's also close to some of the stuff Bain & the gang says as they investigate the Katru.

There is also that Vlad wanted to tell her more but couldn't, again he said it was a time issue but I really believe it was because he knew Bain was listening in.

Vlad drawing a comparison towards himself & her would make more sense if there was a literal bound between them, as the scribe/a king I'm sure Vlad has done a lot of the sort of stuff Jordan is doing & probably has had watchers like her before.

Thematically it'd line up for Jordan to be unknowingly in his inner circle given that language = Vlad's good graces thing I got talking about.

There are a lot of parallels between Jordan & Bain, especially if you put together some of the stories from clothes that imply Bain was a cop or in the fbi at some point. Both start off locking into things beyond them, both have blue as their main color (Jordan's outfits are mainly black & white say for her periwinkle shirt which her model wears), they both start getting so deep that people are sent after them & with outfit lore in mind it seems like Bain had a encounter with Elephant slimmer to the one Jordan had with Vlad.

Thematically wise it'd be nice if there was 1 criminal watcher, 1 corrupt lawful watcher & 1 justice minded watcher. Bain is morally grey, Kento's morals got fucked up & Jordan has pretty clean morals compared.

It'd also mean that Bain's mind games with Jordan later get reflected at him as Kento played mind games with him & unlike Bain dealt with the person getting close to the truth. In short watcher on watcher violence.

Also sanity is a theme with Vlad, he is the "mad king" the one that found things thay broke his mind & even in the modern day is considered insane. This is intrestingly mirrored by how Jordan is both dismissed based off mental state & likely has a mental illness she takes meds for.

I will probably think of more & make a post just about this thoery eventually but for now the last reason is that I simply think it makes for a interesting story, it means all the watchers are pitted against each other, it means Vlad has another thing to hide from the gang, it means Vlad's watcher is an established character whose a bit complex, it means at least a single woman is relevant to The Secret.

As for what this world look like in story? Well it depends on how you veiw the watchers but for my own hc's & theories I am planning a fic about this.

I will also note that if something makes it clear someone else is Vlad's watcher I will keep this as a au instead of theory/hc.

Ideas For Fan Content

So after reading everything here I hope you dear reader wanna give me a lil more challenge in calling myself her biggest fan by including her in your own content!

To help get this started I'm gonna list a few ideas of how to include & use her in fan content. Obviously I would also be trilled to see ideas not listed written about & if you do make something based off tbe list below or theories & ideas I talk about on this meta you don't have to credit me, I just want to show off a character I like!

Jordan easily can fill the role of a fbi agent that would otherwise go unamed or be a one-off oc, so say for a fic you want to add pressure by having a agent on one of the heisters trail, Jordan would make a good fit!

Jordan would also work well as a mentor or partner to a fbi oc, being able to quickly inform them of details about the payday gang & either aid them if they are a enemy of the Payday gang or provide tension if they are/start helping the gang.

Jordan would also work well for writing enemy to lovers fics since she is a enemy of the gang but it's based off impersonal things, so becoming close with specific members isn't out of the question & could lead to interesting drama for all parties.

Jordan also works well for if you need a pov outside the gang but is aware, let's say you're writing a mystery fic & you need someone to first find something or encounter the killer before it's revealed to the gang. Jordan would work! She would likely investigate that sort of thing but lacks ways of telling other members of the cast.

Jordan does at the end of her story show some more willingness to do shady things, so having a story explore her becoming more & more involved in crime would work really well, this would also be great to use for fics about Vlad's criminal stuff (Just please, I beg, do not have Jordan start working at his postuion house, that I am asking you to not do on this post. I can't stop you but I am gonna read or share stuff about that)

Jordan would also work in camo appearances, need something for Vlad or Bain to be doing before being interrupted? Perhaps they were keeping an eye on a special agent.

Jordan could also work as someone to info dump info about things that happened off screen in your fic, maybe you're writing a future fic & want to quickly establish what everyone is doing, having a scene or a few where Jordan is sharing her theories with someone would be a good way to do it in universe & add some unreliable narratorness to it if you want to hide info.

Also Jordan would work well as some canon fodder to be blunt, as much as I love her it doesn't seem like she's amazing at tech, so if you want establish a character killing enemies of the gang or some mass death event like a zombie au Jordan could work 😶‍🌫️

Lastly there isn't a lot about Jordan outside of what's here, we don't know her past, or much about her future past the web series & there are a lot of parts about her personality we won't have got to see so she's a character that could really be expanded on.

ETC

Agent Riker: Funniest Non-Clown

Yeah I couldn't fit this anywhere else but thoughout the series Riker is really funny due to how it seems like he is almost always moments from a mental breakdown. He will often swear to himself shouting loudly FUCK almost everytime Jordan is getting deeper in the mess.

It's also funny how degented he looks while his boss scolds him & Jordan, they both look like kids getting told off.

It is also extremely funny to me that Jordan straight up tells him to his putposly sweating face she knows he is the mole & then still takes him as backup to confront Vlad which like...

While Riker pulled out a gun & was waiting in the wings it also took him forever to call out for her & it was pretty unclear what his game plan was. He is like less than useless to both Jordan & Vlad.

He also has a family which he mentions when talking to Vlad also it was hard for me to make out his name due to my hearing sorta sucking so I had to find his name on the imb page for the series

Jordan's Job:

I wasn't sure where to mention this but in one of the episodes, I believe when being told off by her boss it is mentioned she works in wire fuad. I believe due to her having her own office space in the department that she is likely either very high ranking or it's local head.

How I Incountered Jordan:

So I was vaguely a Payday fan at the time, I knew things like Jacket x Sokol & things like the Halloween nightmares for the crew but I had yet to see the wider picture.

This is when I decided to read the tv tropes page for Payday 2, specifically the characters page & then I read the Minor Characters page & read Jordan's section.

Which made me interested enough to go & watch the web series & then I watched more & more videos until I ended up watching The Knowley's lore series & since then I have been searching for more lore & info.

And that won't have happened if some tv tropes writer I will never likely meet hadn't decided to put Jordan on the page & describe her well in tropes & in the little bio.

The Wiki:

So a funfact is that I am the one who made Jordan's wiki page & added her to the web series page. Admittedly the page needs some work to better explain things but I thought something was better than nothing & I will work on it more.

#meta #lore #payday 2 #payday the heist #pd2 #payday Jordan Griffin #special agent Jordan Griffin #Jordan Griffin #Payday: The Web Series #vlad kozak #bain #Agent Riker #Hector Morales #katru #headcanons

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causenessus · 3 months ago

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GOOD MORNING 🗣️🗣️ i know its like 6 something am but we're gonna ignore that bc i physically cannot fall back asleep (curse insomnia)!! make sure you eat enough today and drink water! idk when you're gonna answer this ask but im assuming at nighttime like usual so dont forget to take your meds 🙂‍↕️

omg recently ive been having matcha a concerning amount like i went to an asian store like a WEEK ago and now like every day im making something with it... it's probably fine though?? i wasnt even a big matcha enthusiast before but i remembered seeing a post from you and literally all it said was matcha break and i was like "hm! that sounds pretty good tbh now i want matcha." so here i am, after buying matcha. addiction isn't pretty/j

ANYWAY when i was trying to fall asleep i randomly remembered when u put up a shelf and accidentally messed up a tag on your post about it😭 i think it said something like "if you're rintarou suna i don't care" and when i read it i was like oo that's not! and then u reblogged it with the correction BUT APPARENTLY IM THE EXCEPTION ‼️ i think we got married under that post LMAOAOAO so i remembered all of that when i was trying to fall asleep and then i js started laughing it was so stupid omg,, pushed back my sleeping like 15 minutes but it was worth it bc it was funny

SO ITS MY FIRST DAY BACK TO SCHOOL TODAY OH MY GOSH 😨 itll probably fine im just dramatic but theres sm people i do NOT wanna see. like keep them far away from me or ill flip my shit type of not wanna see 🥰 so thats always fun yk! we're in this together now ness 🙂‍↕️

HAVE A GOOD DAY!! <333

HELLO HELLO SAV!!! i'm sorry for how long it took me to answer your ask </33 PLEASE MAKE SURE TO EAT AND DRINK AND TAKE YOUR MEDS AS WELL!! THANK YOU SO MUCH LOVE <3

matcha addictions are really not pretty LMAO for my wallet or anything else but honestly i love it!! and i'm so happy to have converted you!!! they're super super good i actually love that their bitter and honestly i will drink any matcha no matter if it's sweet or unsweetened 😭😭 my addiction is so bad that i even drink like two a day usually but at least....it's energizing...!!!!! so i hope you're enjoying your matchas <33

AND LMAO THE WAY I BURST OUT LAUGHING ABOUT THAT STORY YOU WERE REMEMBERING 😭😭😭 I'M GLAD TO HAVE MADE YOU LAUGH BC THAT WAS NOT A PRETTY MOMENT WE DEF GOT MARRIED UNDER THAT POST!! <33333 but i went back to like read my post twirling my hairs like "omg i love suna so much 🥰" and then reread the post like "OMG HOLD ON WAIT I SAID I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HIM </3" but he knows i meant well 😔😔 and i corrected it in the end!!

AND I TOTALLY GET IT YOU'RE NOT DRAMATIC AT ALL!! THAT'S HOW I FEEL LIKE 24/7 LIKE YES I'VE BEEN BACK IN SCHOOL FOR A WEEK and still everyday i wake up like "man i am not looking forward to seeing these people today" like they never get better </3 in fact, they get worse 💀 I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT DAY!!! AND LUCKILY IT'S FRIDAY SO I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND AS WELL!! AND GET TO REST A LITTLE BEFORE THIS NEXT WEEK STARTS </3

#answers <3 #i heart sav <3

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knockknoxwho · 8 months ago

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Wasps

(This one is a bit of a cop out I won’t lie, but it does make sense as far as many wasps behaviors and such. Also I think if I sized them up or made them any more angry, all humans, animals, and structures would cease to exist in a very bloody massacre). The wasp is a very dangerous species in this world. As with many species they reside in the ground, but instead of having underground nests this mutated version has a habit of burrowing in groups then falling into a deep hibernation just feet away from each other.

Seasonal habits

This species—unlike others—responded to the lack of energy via a long hibernation to sustain its life and slowly mend its body. This hibernation lasts for most of the year (from spring to the beginning of winter). The campaign begins in March at the beginning of spring, so they won’t encounter this bug until they either wake it up very rudely or it wakes up on its own. The species awakes in this cycle in order to avoid being frozen into the ground.

Mutations

These not-so-little creatures have grown to a decent size of 2 feet in length, and attached to their rather bombastic stingers is now a bomb. More accurately it is a couple of fluid sacs in which lies two chemicals. These two spontaneously react in a very explosive way when mixed. The wasps now removable and barbed stinger has been attached to tissue which, when ripped out also tears the two sacs which are pushed together and create a Grenade-like explosion that propels the stinger through whatever danger it attacked. This ends up pushing a new hole into the attacker as well as heavy explosive damage and chemical burns.

Misc.

The combination of these factors create biotic minefields around the plain patches of the town and the hill country surrounding it, making new hazards and issues for the players to navigate and consider. As well as a very powerful makeshift explosive device that can be crafted once gangs and militias have stolen the military supplies from surrounding stores. A resource which provides high risk as well as high reward.

As a reproduction method wasps also use their explosion to spread the fungus’s spores, as well as giving their own eggs the chance to feed on their own and their prey’s body once hatching.

(Tw death)

My friend and I went out to the old field next to the Amazon center. We were planning on scraping out the last of the goods it could supply, but everything went so, so wrong. We started off our journey over by the highway. Snuck down and made sure to keep out of sight from the crow scouts and vultures. In full camo and burning up in the underbrush, but we persevered. It was just outside the chain fence. When we crossed over the field filled with a bunch of these little dirt mounds. I crossed over first, fast and silent, I gestured for my buddy to come too. But just when he was running through, I saw him slam down on one of those mounds. It didn’t take it too kindly, and burst up from under the ground. Its antenna seemed to be broken and it was furious. I couldn’t even yell out to him before I saw its stinger push through his chest. As he fell to his knees the damned thing exploded. Chunks of him went flying, and the stinger shot through my arm. Luckily I had a med bag, so I got out, but I’ll never forget how gruesome that Yellowjacket left him. I made sure to never go out near those mounds again.

#writing #pseudoscience #suggestions welcome #writing project #world building #worldbuilding #slightly graphic #animals #mutations #more coming soon #wasp #wasps #ttrpg #ttrpg campaign #gurps #fungi #explosive #tw death #short story

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cosmicalily · 1 year ago

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CAN YOU TELL I LIKE MF QUESTIONS

wait im gonna answer this bc im that fucking bored rn

1. we dont have chipotle in aus 😭

2. i don't mind if you're vegan, i think eating more plant based is better for the environment and for consumption, but personally, i don't think i could do it, i just try and limit my meat product consumption (like only having meat/fish once a week) and i think that's good enough, but i feel like other animal products like eggs and milk don't necessarily harm the animal as such? so i don't really try to avoid them.

3. i don't have a specific colour that gives me the ick, more it's combinations of colours in like patterns or layouts (graphic design student disgust moment) some colours are just not a vibe together and IM SO SORRY but rainbow tiedye is one pattern combo that makes me uncomfy

4. i would love to say fairies bc young me would be so happy but realistically probably more like something ocean wise? i mean there's so much there we haven't discovered so who knows

5. i don't discriminate, i love all potato forms but chips are probably my fav (i also love eating roast potatoes with kewpie mayo)

6. nope ill buy one and use it for a week then forget about it (mines been charging for about a year now)

7. seahorses, seals and penguins!

8. sometimes, depends on the mood. if i have lots of study and wanna be comfy, yes, or if I want to relax and chill out in pyjamas, yes, but normal days im too lazy and just throw a hoodie on

9. yep yep but it varies depending on what my skin needs, and often the season. my colder season routine is more about hydration bc my skin gets so dry and in warmer seasons its more about acne and sun protection

10. orange, even though it fucks with my adhd meds

11. im not sure if this is like an object or experience? but as for object i still have my bunny toy from when i was born, as well as all my childhood dance costumes (i keep my current ones too)

12. ooh so i have a few, for haircare, de lorenzo is the bomb, my hairdresser gives these to me and they have done AMAZING SHIT with restoring the moisture in my hair, and for skincare, some by mi is amazing for acne clearing

13. hide and cry

14. i drink water when im bored or anxious in class just to kill time so im most hydrated when im unfocused lmao

15. okay so i DONT KNOW like i feel like drowning would take the longest and my biggest fear is anything restricting like my breathing/being stuck underneath something so i would say drowning, then burning, bc it would be quick but horrible, then freezing

16. no

17. leg bouncy bounce all day everyday

18. okay so depending on mood again: if I'm feeling something summery, i do a mango milk/fruit tea (half sugar bc that shit is sweet) with mango and lychee popping pearls and extra ice, or a milk tea with cream cheese foam and tapioca pearls

19. avocado, it scares the shit out of me

20. oof i mean i remember vividly watching the princess and the frog a lot as a kid with my family so that's probably my fav

21. um i don't like decimals that much, they just make me uncomfortable bc it's like you're not a complete number??? what are you doing??

22. I USED TO AND HER NAME WAS GENENE, then my best friend left her on the bus and i was too anxious to walk down and check lost property 😭😭

23. i wear my earrings always, bc i have an irrational fear that they'll just grow in even though ive had them pierced for so long, sometimes bracelets, like delicate chain ones but also beaded ones i make myself

24. british english has the same spelling as australian english, so mainly that, but i do love poppin out with a random ass american accent for funsies

25. i know for a fact people dislike my taste in music and that's ok <3 kpop isn't for everyone and im aware but i love my music

26. oof on the white person scale im ridiculously high but on the asian person scale im embarrassingly low (this is how my japanese mother described it for me)

27. i love me my dungarees!! but also mini skirts and leg warmers are a winning combo

28. a whole ass japanese banquet

29. i like little ones with dents and holes that the sauce can get caught to, they have more flavour and they're like small and bite sized

30. oh

weirdly specific and unrelated asks to know someone well:

chipotle order?

thoughts on veganism?

a specific color that gives you the ick?

mythical creature you think/believe is real?

favorite form of potato?

do you use a watch?

what animal do you look forward to seeing when you visit an aquarium?

do you change into specific clothes for the house when you get home?

do you have a skincare routine (and how many steps is it)?

on a plane, do you ask for apple or orange juice?

anything from your childhood you’ve held on to?

brand of haircare/bodycare/skincare that you trust 100%?

first thing you’re doing in the purge?

do you think you’re dehydrated?

rank the methods of death: freezing, burning, drowning

thoughts on mint chocolate chip?

an anxious compulsion you do everyday?

your boba/tea order?

the veggie you dislike the most?

favorite disney princess movie?

a number that weirds you out?

do you have an emotional support water bottle?

do you wear jewelry?

which do you find yourself using, american or british english?

would you say you have good taste in music?

how’s your spice tolerance?

what’s your favorite or go-to outfit?

last meal on earth?

preferred pasta noodle?

ask me anything !

leave an ask for the person you reblog it from!

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catnherthoughts · 2 months ago

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the note 10/7

*hopefully one day i'll look back on this and just be grateful that the only way to get past it is to go through it.

As much as everyoneeee hates to hear it, i always knew it was gonna come to this. most people who feel suicidal get help or find some sort of meaning to life that makes it all worth it. you don't just go through all of life wanting to kill yourself and just never do it. The feeling is like a distant friend. sometimes she is just a memory and sometimes she is with me, staying in my apartment. then of course as all good house guests do, she knows when its time to leave but still keeps in contact. so i dont forget her of course. like i could ever.

maybe i wouldn't have had to come to this if my life was different. i would say if i was prettier but i think i look very gorgeous.in fact, that's one of the few things that keeps me going. when i was ugly i used to attempt every other day. now its just a voice screaming at me that i try not to involve myself with. maybe if i had a more emotionally available father. maybe if i had a more emotionally mature mother. maybe if my friends reached out more. i could blame every person on this earth for not doing something but at the end of the day this is my fault. i'm the one who let the brain disease get to me. i take my meds regularly. i exercise and try to eat well. i do self care and still, i cant get myself to care about myself.

i came to the realization the other day that i am not living for myself. that was such an insane realization. i was driving to my human rights and digital media class and the thought came into my mind. i am only alive because i don't want to make people sad with my death. how sad is that? my mom would be devastated and maybe off herself. i hope she never has to read this but if she does i would want her to keep going. my friends would be in eternal torment wondering what they could have done. you did all you could. my dad would maybe just be a bit more numb. or maybe he'd upheave his own life, then again i don't think he'd care that much. he gave me the opportunity to have a good life while i could. my boyfriend would have everlasting grief. "my dad died, my mom threatens to kill herself, my brother has tried multiple times." gosh how guilty do i feel even mentioning anything is wrong. i understand i have a certain amount of accountability when it comes to sharing my emotions but how do i say anything in that situation?

i'm usually very good at hiding this feeling. i used to never let anyone even for a second know what i was going through. i have a twitter account where i sometimes indulge in the idea i have some feelings about things. it has been very concerning recently. i don't know if the feeling has been this strong in a very long time. every morning, i rise to start the day and i dread going out and doing things. i know its like hashtag dont wanna go to school but it may become an issue when the work becomes so suffocating that i can't bear to do it. i push through because my grades are one of the most important aspect of my being to my father. he is also spending a great deal of money on my education so i get it. whatever. i go through the day and count the hours until i can be in bed. once i'm in bed, i rot and rot and rot. i torment myself in every free moment, asking myself why i keep going. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i see my boyfriend and as much as he doesn't want to believe it, he makes me feel better. he is the person i can be emotionally vulnerable with, or at least who i feel comfortable enough with, so i show how i feel when we are together. he sees how tired i am. he's worried. he would be very upset if he knew what i was writing right now. i love him very much and i'm glad that in this life i have someone who showed me what love was like. maybe if heaven is real i'll watch over him like an angel and make sure his life is the best that it can be. i'd negate his suffering as much as i could. maybe i'd get a therapist for my mom. maybe i'd give my dad signs that its okay to feel things. i hope he'll cry at my funeral. i wonder if he'll bring his girlfriend and her daughter. i wonder what they'd think. he would probably make a joke about me starving myself to death. he tries his best to get it but i don't think he even gets that i have depression, clinically diagnosed. i dont think my mother knows that it isn't about her. she'd have more to talk about with her friends if i did it.

i wish i had some advice to give. like; "If you're ever struggling, make sure to ask for help so you don't end up like me". I wouldn't know how to ask for help if it hit me in the face. I used to, very often. it didn't go well. i've never even been hospitalized. one time the morning after my attempt my dad yelled at me and told me to stop being stupid. my mom, in one of my deepest pits, told me i need to eat breakfast and stop taking my meds at such a high dosage. i've been told recently that i should get help for the sake of my relationship, if not myself. i've been told to talk to someone about it. i don't want to talk to anyone about it. i dont need to make anyone worried and then when i get to the point where it does happen, leave them thinking they could have done more. they can't stop me.

i can't keep going through everyday wishing for it. crossing the street ever so slowly. even stopping in the middle. smoking so much maybe my lungs will never recover. pursuing a communications degree that i know i'll regret. i'm just an unlucky woman. i was born to kill myself. that was the plan. i wish that instead of the other baby, i was miscarried. that i never got the chance for people to love me. if no one cared then it would make things so much easier. alas, i care too much for those around me that its killing me slowly. i wish i was in a coma. i wish i was diagnosed with a disease that gives me 2 weeks to live. i wish that i had a way out. everytime i drive my care i imagine going 100 mph straight into a tree. then i remember how mad my dad would be that i messed up his car, and i drive safely. the thought of me taking a razor straight down my arm and letting myself bleed out in the shower, then i think about who would find me and everyone finding out. i wonder who would show up to my funeral.

my roommate just asked if my writing was going well. if she knew she'd have a panic attack and i dont need her to suffer. how much longer do i have to suffer so others don't have to. its my life and if i decide it's over for me, i should have the right to end it on my own terms. there is no free will, if there was i'd be dead a long time ago. because of everything that has lead up this point, i am simply a piece of seaweed in the ocean, drifting by waiting to be eaten.

i'm too tired to keep writing but i feel like this this isn't a sufficient enough note. if i could, i write a suicide letter book. that way at least i'll be able to say i published something. in a perfect world i would be a philosopher and have a phd and people would read and love my work. sadly, life is not perfect, not even good enough for me to want to be apart of it. thank you everyone for making it so hard to say goodbye.

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