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hwaightme · 2 years ago

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Your fan, Seonghwa (part 2, series finale)

(part 1) (your fan ml)

🛸 pairing: seonghwa x nerdfluencer & physicist!reader 🛸 genre: romance, fluff, mutual pining 🛸 summary: a bulletpoint-style wordstream of what it would be like if seonghwa was stanning you 🛸 wordcount: 6.0k 🛸 warnings/tags: language, noraebang chaos, mc knows too much, seonghwa is a star, IT ALL COMES TOGETHER, crossover hours, is it christmas again? 🛸 taglist: @doom-fics @layzfeelit @acciocriativity @izuijin @justhere4kpop @honey-lemon-goose @i-luvsang @jcngh0-hq @black--awsum @jackinmyarea 🛸 a/n: HI! THIS IS THE END (hold your breath and count to 10) oh my word... I am so unbelievably grateful for all of you, for your love and support, for inspiring and for believing. Without you, none of this would have happened. Much love, and biggest hugs, and stay tuned for more to come in the future!!

You needed to act quick if you were going to solve anything. Time was against you, considering that in a month’s time ATEEZ were going to be going on tour, and you needed to write another chapter of your thesis that discussed experimental set up and some predictive modelling.

As you watched your computer crash yet another time, deleting the data that you had implemented into the physics simulator engine, you decided to give up for the evening and figure out how to get your plan, your life experiment, running.

Your thoughts had drifted to trying to immerse yourself in Seonghwa’s world. You were clueless when it came to music, and aside from listening, did not do much else. But what you were always ready for, was others’ enthusiasm, You wanted to see that glint in Seonghwa’s eyes return to him, you wanted him to be himself and to be proud of what he had achieved.

You were no stranger to creative ruts, to self-doubt and trying to pretend to be someone you were not. It was almost a rite of passage in STEM, and you could only imagine how intense it could be in the creative and liberal arts. In that state, one tries to remove themselves from what they can actually do, steps away from that they have overcome and believe that the work of others is something they need to measure themselves against.

This was what you had observed in Seonghwa, and this was disconcerting. Of course, you appreciated the fact that every time you called, and met, he could impress you with his newly acquired knowledge in your subject… but at the end of the day… it was something you already knew. It was something that was second nature to you, and removed his own beauty from the conversation. You stared liking Seonghwa not because he was an astrophysics enthusiast (especially since when he tried to be, it was evident that it was giving him unnecessary amount of stress), but because he was himself. That adorable nerd sitting in front of a camera having the time of his life assembling Lego. That more than cute man who was over the moon when you were raving with him about the lightsaber he had as part of his collection. The wonderful, brilliant, Seonghwa who had so much to share with you, so much to teach you, but instead was hiding his genius away. The last thing you ever wanted to do was to change him, so for the sake of humanity and the universe not exploding, it was time to act.

After a quick ideation session, your intentions and your plan was clear – but, you needed to go to a more public space for it, and every fibre of your being was screaming THIS IS A RISK. But a risk you were willing to take, and were ready to go through every mitigation strategy in the risk assessment framework that you had drawn up on eight post-its you had stuck side by side on your desk. Though, prior to doing any of that, being the certified adult and professional researcher you were, you needed permission for this to go ahead. You had already heard from Seonghwa about the number of times that his members had caused unnecessary chaos, and you were not about to join the ‘horsemen of the ateezpocalypse’ ranks. You needed to call the captain.

You were lucky that most of your friends had an equally strange schedule that made one question what time zone they actually lived in, so your close bestie who owned ‘dream-ity’ and had the patience of a saint to be able to handle none other than Jung Wooyoung, had sent over Hongjoong’s number at lightning speed, though not without trying to figure out why exactly you needed it. She already knew that you were ‘seeing’ Seonghwa, but none of the details. Neither you, nor the eldest member, apparently, were cracking about anything more ‘tea-esque’ that was going on between you.

She did initially offer to send you her boyfriend’s number but considering that Seonghwa had explicitly stated that that certain someone was the equivalent of his personal sleep paralysis demon and the real reason why his hair for the comeback was stark white (“it is not dye nor bleach, it is Marie Antoinette syndrome”), you politely refused, insisting to ‘go see the captain’, channelling your inner Karen.

Seemed that Hongjoong was also an interesting character who was able to respond to you in thirty seconds, at four in the morning. At least your friend had an early opening shift and needed to travel, this man was just night owling like you. Little did you know that this was the case because Hongjoong already had your number after ‘lovingly’ interrogating Seonghwa after your first meeting.

You had opened up the conversation by introducing yourself, stating your interests, and apologising for the disturbance. You had also inquired whether it would be possible to set up either a meeting or a call with Hongjoong, to discuss the details of your proposition, seeing as you needed approval and it may be easier to explain verbally. Hongjoong was pretty straightforward in his response:

<hongble telescope> call in 2 min?

<you> yes please thank you!

And in exactly two minutes, you were ‘face to face’ with none other than the captain of ATEEZ, who appeared to be located in his studio, hunched over just a little and in dim lighting. To be frank, you were not any better – you were still in your office, illuminated just by a couple of desk lamps, and were also gremlin-like in your posture. It was odd how, in some senses you two were alike.

“So, how is the woman who is making Seonghwa turn into a physics student?” Hongjoong joked, though it did not make you cheer up one bit. You felt a pang of guilt in your heart, and decided to launch straight in.

“About that. I have been quite concerned about Seonghwa recently.”

“In relation to physics?”

“Yes.”

Hongjoong ran a hand through his hair and looked off into the distance momentarily.

“Well, he has been kind of… out of it lately. I mean, when it comes to stages and stuff he is chill, because you know, professional and music is his passion and all that, but in the dorms, you are right he is a lot more isolated.”

“Yes, well, I am to blame for that, and I want to fix it.”

“Since when are you to blame? If anything, it is his choice so he should like… wake up.”

“Well, it is hard to kick away something that someone wants to do subconsciously, and I do not want to come across as the centre of the universe by no means, but when a person does something to try and impress you, you cannot help but feel responsible.”

“You know what, I like your approach. That’s admirable. Okay, then, go on. I am interested to hear what you are thinking.”

“Well, I want to prove to Seonghwa that he does not need to pretend to be someone who he is not. I really could not care less whether he knows anything about my line of work or not, what I want is for him to be happy.”

“You are just green flagging your way into my grumpy old man heart.”

“How are you old, Hongjoong? You are just caring-”

“Okay Y/N you are just going through a check list of how to make Hongjoong happy at this point.” He grinned and exclaimed, intertwining his fingers and leaning back in the spinning chair.

“Well, hah, I guess it is easier to do when you mean it. So, well, my point here is that… I need to take him to this one location that is a little bit more public, but I can assure you I will do everything within my power to make it safe.”

“Hold on, hold on, do you need to do that?”

“It is critical. There needs to be a little bit of a shock to the system but it is only beneficial.”

“Okay, now I am not so approving. How do I even know I can trust you? Being nice is one thing, being reliable and trustworthy is a whole other area. What is the deal? What do you know, or what can you do to prove that it will be okay?”

Frankly, Hongjoong was already pretty confident in the fact that he would be able to entrust Seonghwa to you – the eldest member’s heart was already in your hands, so what was the problem with just letting you two go for it? Hongjoong wondered whether he was being stopped by his frazzled nerves, which had been put through challenge after challenge with each of the members – even himself¸ in this chaotic journey to find and fight for love. But he needed to act in the role of responsible leader, so back to listening to you. How were you doing to impress him?

You needed to think fast. Here, every word mattered. Expressing your affection and concern was easy enough, since it was at the forefront of your mind, but here you had some six dimensional chess to play, and your opponent was a master – taking one look at the ATEEZ lore was enough, and how it was going to play out was going to be quite impressive…

Oh.

That was right.

You knew the secret of the lore.

That’s it.

You thanked your ability to hyperfixate for helping you go over all the diaries, the interviews and the albums and mvs and shorts that were linked to the story of ATEEZ. You were no stranger to extensive lore and saga-like evolution. You were a Star Wars fan, for goodness’ sake. On top of that, why had you studied the theory of relativity and quantum physics if you were never going to use it for the most abstract and obscure reasons? You felt as though you had just gathered all the infinity stones together and were about to snap an infinity glove. You looked straight into the camera with a soft smile gracing your lips, and began.

“Well, I am not sure about physical proof, but in terms of theoretical knowledge and carrying on the story of ATEEZ, I could talk you though a couple of my ideas that may or may not serve as proof for my understanding of the depth of your group, the importance of paying attention to the details, and future-forward ideation.”

Hongjoong did not look particularly impressed, since he had listened to enough ATINY explain to him some outrageous interpretations of the lore, that were anything but correct. But he was intrigued enough to motion to you to go on. And that, was when he had signed up for the shock of a lifetime.

You launched into a monologue that first, briefly summarised the relationship between every era, every little diversion and even the selection of concepts for stages. You were showcasing that really, to you, it had been simple all along, and you had been merely enjoying how they were executing what was already out in the open. When you transitioned smoothly into expressing your musings on future releases and the avenue down which the story will go, Hongjoong was dead quiet, and even stopped rocking in his chair. His jaw began to drop as you revealed a specific detail that was meant to be a plot twist – he had envisioned ATINY’s reaction so many times, and had been keeping this a secret even from his members, and here you were, saying it right back to him. Just who were you?

He was equal parts impressed and terrified, since you were a walking computer of ATEEZ knowledge. You could basically compromise the entirety of KQ with the amount of information you held. There was no choice now, it was not even a matter of trust – it was basically essential that you joined them at least for the sake of being silenced. He recalled how he had said to Seonghwa that he expected you would know at least a bit of the lore to a high level – well, he had never expected you to be able to lead a discussion on it. Hongjoong now desperately wanted to invite you to a chat with him and the CEO. This was essential for the business.

“Well, these are just my thoughts and feelings, of course. So take it with a pinch of salt.” You finished, smoothing the creases at the bottom of your shirt, a habit you had formed to calm your nerves during presentations.

“That is one big pinch of salt, Y/N. I think I will have to have you sign an NDA for that. And jeez, this has probably been the most original way someone had ever pledged allegiance to the ATEEZ mission… ever.” He whispered, suddenly looking a LOT more tired than he did at the beginning of your conversation.

“Thank… you?”

“Yeah… uh… so… where was it you wanted to go?” he recalled that he had not even asked what the public space was.

“Noraebang.”

“What the fu- did you actually just make my soul leave my body to ask if you could go sing some songs with Seonghwa?” he face palmed and massaged his temples. Damn, you really were a STEM person. Very careful. Though he could vibe with that – Seonghwa was not kidding when he said you were a mature and responsible human.

“Uh… well I needed to check with you because this is a venture outside of more secluded locations, I needed to hear your thoughts on whether it would be okay for Seonghwa to appear in a noraebang, how and when it would be possible-”

“My one request is you don’t talk lore with the guy, because I still want to maintain some authority. And ask him to take you to KQ at some point after, and I can arrange a meeting for then. I am not kidding about the NDA.”

“Sure. Thank you. Then the rest is… up to me?”

“Yes, go wild. Well, not wild, but I assume you know what a ‘safe and secure’ wild is?”

“That is basically what physics is.”

“Understandable-”

“-have a great day.”

“Yeah you are a walking green flag in my eyes, Y/N. I’ll text you some of the times when Seonghwa is free this week so you can organise the noraebang date, m’kay?”

“Perfect, thank you so much!”

When you ended the call, Hongjoong yeeted himself onto the sofa, face down, and began to run through the conversation that he would have to have with management – ‘big reveal an astrophysicist knows more than the group about the storyline that the group follows’.

Seonghwa was not enjoying the continuous winking from Hongjoong, not one bit. In addition, the fact that, upon receiving some kind of message on his phone, Wooyoung entered full sneak and snoop mode and kept on infiltrating the eldest members’ room – fifteen times in the last hour, to be exact, did not bode well for Seonghwa’s sanity. Though at least the latter member appeared to still be clueless, and pestering Hongjoong more than him.

And it only built up come the time of Seonghwa’s date with you. You had suggested to meet right outside the dorms, saying that it was going to be a surprise. His mind went right back to high school when there had been pop quizzes and surprise assessments – totally not emotional trauma speaking for him there. He recalled you had talked about some kind of conference, or convention related to space research – what if you were going to take him there? As much as he was into seeing you be very excited, and he was interested in the reality that inspired some of his favourite things on the planet, his brain would erupt or turn into goo from that much content.

He already had a hard time reviewing the online flashcards that he had created for whenever you would mention some kind of concept or word that he did not quite understand. Though you did not do it often, and never, ever did the horrid thing of overusing complicated terms just to put yourself above someone, he still went out of his way to study the thing that appeared to come naturally to your after so many years of practice, study and beyond impressive dedication to the craft. He felt that you deserved more than he could offer, that you were on your own gorgeous wavelength, and that he could only dream to reach it – if it could happen at least sometimes, that would be enough.

“Dude you are actually scary, why are you looking at that?” San slinked right up to him, pointing at the screen where there was a diagram explaining redshift and blueshift.

“Because I am ascending, San.”

“Hwa, you are not a scientist so why are you-” Mingi, who was in the process of trying to sneak a snack from the kitchen in his pocket, called out, but was quickly cut off by Hongjoong, who was standing right by his room’s door.

“-because he is respectful. If you guys had as much dedication as the guy then maybe, just maybe you would be able to carry the lore or at least pretend to understand it.”

“Why so salty?” San interjected, allowing Mingi to complete his mission without being spotted.

“Excuse you that’s called being well-seasoned.” Hongjoong retorted, not being quite sure what he meant but at least it was not salty.

“Ah yes, something that a near-retired gent such as yourself and a Thanksgiving turkey have in common.” Wooyoung appeared out of his room, shooting finger guns at the captain.

“Nah turkey doesn’t do it.” Yeosang called out, only having tuned into the conversation once something bird related was mentioned.

“Yes you guys, we have all converted to ‘blue bird’~” Yunho imitated Yeosang’s line in Halazia, deepening his voice. He was currently splayed out on the living room couch, trying to control his rage as he was repeatedly losing to Jongho at FIFA.

“We are not EATING the BLUE BIRD you GUYS!” Hongjoong sighed and tried to end the conversation.

Seonghwa sent him a grateful glance for the effective de-railing. As the members disappeared back into their respective corners of the dorm, he settled back down into one of the dining room chairs, only to be joined by Yunho, who decided to ‘take a break because he was not really feeling the game at the moment’, much to Jongho’s amusement.

“Hey… all okay?” Yunho whispered, making sure that others would not overhear their conversation.

“Yeah.” Seonghwa locked his phone and placed it face down. He tried to muster a smile, but it was a little challenging given that he could not figure out what he was going to face this evening.

“How are things with her?”

“Good. Thank you for driving me those last couple of times by the way.” Seonghwa tried to bring up the positive. Yunho, though he was able to choose violence, ended up being incredibly supportive of Seonghwa and his seeing you. To the point where he was competing with Hongjoong for best advice giver and most encouraging homie.

“Oh no problem at all. It its just awesome to see you so smitten, really. Just let me know if you need anything else, like ever. I’ll be there.”

“It really means a lot. But today she is taking me to some mystery location apparently.”

“Well you know hyung and I are right here, just sound the alarm and we will speed to wherever.”

“What would I do without you, Yunho?”

“Take the taxi.”

“Respectfully, bruh.”

“What, am I wrong?”

“Nah.”

“Good, let’s stop being sappy and get you ready, yeah?”

“READY FOR WHAT?” of course Wooyoung had to have listened into the conversation, and was more than ready to learn the ins and outs of what kind of stuff has been going on with Seonghwa.

“Seonghwa, do you want to-”

“It’s a date, Woo. It’s a date.”

“CAN I COME?”

“NO, YOU CANNOT!?!?!”

At least now he did not need to spend the next two hours stressing, but instead fighting a barrage of questions coming from all directions at once. At least Hongjoong and Yunho were already in the know, and Yeosang and Jongho were just not bothered enough and respected a thing called privacy (also known as – they will not hear the end of this from Wooyoung later anyways, so why bother now). So, he was getting it easy.

Out of all the places in Seoul where you could have taken him out on a date, a noraebang was probably one of the furthest down on the list. You had never explicitly expressed any interest in performing music or signing or… anything to do with you personally engaging in the art. You had given him the impression of exclusively being a listener, rather than someone who would belt songs into a microphone in front of a TV screen for fun. But he was not complaining. This was right up his alley.

You had taken every precaution, even if it meant paying a higher booking fee, checking the blueprints of the place to make sure you went down corridors with less people, choosing a noraebang that was primarily automated with little staff… you wanted this evening to be about Seonghwa and him having fun, rather than him having to worry about everything and everyone.

It was nothing short of brilliant to watch him as he ambled down to the room under the neon lights, excited at every piece of décor, and poking you a little whenever he would hear snippets of songs that he recognised. It was like someone had pulled a switch inside him, and the previously distressed and anxious Seonghwa was nowhere to be seen. This was the power of passion, and of music. And you felt beyond guilty for somehow having had played a part in making him believe that you did not want to see this.

Though nothing was explicitly your fault, and you did talk with Seonghwa about his life and abouthis career, you felt like you could, and should have tried harder. He deserved so much more than what you could offer, so you were willing to do anything to simply make him smile. And a trip to the noraebang was, as it turned out, a fantastic start.

You two had started off the evening with a couple of classic 90s hits, Dance with DOC by DJ DOC and I Know by Seo Taiji and the Boys, which progressed to Seonghwa fully serenading you with Perfect Man by Shinhwa, which you had picked because “haha, Seonghwa – Shinhwa sounds similar”, not realising that your ears were about to be blessed. Then you had made the discovery that Seonghwa was a girl group dance machine, and from Wonder Girls, to miss A to 2NE1 you two were losing yourself in the music, with Seonghwa actively trying to teach you key points of every choreo. As you came closer and closer to choosing more recently released tunes, however, you noticed a lull in Seonghwa’s enthusiasm. He appeared to be hesitant in carrying on with your concert, glancing at you more often, asking if you were okay, if you were happy, what your preferences were.

As minutes turned into an hour, and then were beginning to approach the second, he started getting worried about your interest. Were you doing this because you actually wanted to, or because you felt pity for him and wanted to ‘bring yourself down to his little bubble’ and have a good sing-along. Long rumination session short – he needed a reminder for just what he had achieved.

With every look he was sending in your direction, you were getting more and more annoyed. Not at Seonghwa, but at the fact that he was so quick to disregard his brilliance. Compare himself. View himself as someone who had 'not done much'. While being humble was admirable, and how he was grateful to everyone who was helping him made your heart swell, he was approaching irrational levels of self-disregard.

"Hey, Seonghwa. Can I quickly tell you something?"

"Oh if you are tired we can-"

"What makes you happy?"

"What?"

"What makes you happy?"

"Uhm... is this a trick question?"

"This is not a quiz, Seonghwa. What I want to hear is the truth. Otherwise, I will just try to answer for you.”

"You?"

"Smooth, but scratch that for a second. Does music make you happy? In another life, would you still be ATEEZ?"

"...Yes."

"Good! That is what I wanted to hear. So why are you not living it when you are with me?"

"But I... well... we bonded over space? And Lego? And sci fi and... things not to related to music... so I decided that this was what would help me be closer to you."

"I am glad that it helped us bond, I really am. But at the same time, I am upset that I made an impression on you that this was all I was interested in. I know you go out of your way to learn more about what I do. I know that you spend hours picking apart the vocabulary, the ideas I drop without thinking. I know that you care so much and put that above what you love. But this is consuming you. I am so sorry for it. I am taking away from your happiness."

"But this is not... your fault? In the slightest? I want to learn more, and I want to know what you like-”

"Relationships are a two-way street, Seonghwa. So, if there is imbalance, I am to blame too. I like you for who you are, not for who you try to morph yourself to be. I am an idiot for not diving into music until now. I am upset at myself for not enabling you to shine to the fullest. Seonghwa, you are radiant. You are the most hardworking, respectable, persevering individual I know. You remember those times you mentioned how you approach practice? Passing it of as nothing special? Well I can guarantee you, you are one of the few who is so damn passionate and so deeply caring about the future, about ATEEZ, about music. You breathe this, and I want to see more of it. You deserve more than what the universe has to offer, and I as an astrophysicist can say that. And you, as an idol, singer, rapper, performer, dancer, artist, role model, actual model and SO MUCH MORE, can do me a favour and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND LOVE WHAT YOU HAVE ACHIEVED. You have so much to be proud of, and yes, I understand that sometimes there are days where you doubt yourself and are down in the dumps - hell, I have been there myself, but just know, that even if you feel that way, neither your fellow members, nor I feel the same. You are a guiding star for many, and the one I will always look for in the infinite expanse."

"I... I really don't know what to say.... Y/N..."

You could see that Seonghwa was beginning to tear up - you had expected for him to be the type of person to take such things more deeply, but did not predict that you would be misty-eyed right there with him. Before either of you became a sobbing mess, Seonghwa pulled you close, and into a tight hug. The way he held onto you alluded to a sort of fear. A fear that this was all an illusion. That it could disappear in the blink of an eye. But you were never going to feed into that. Instead, you moved your hands to cup his face, and stared deep into his eyes, finally closing the space between you with a sweet, reassuring kiss, full of love and promise.

You upheld your promise to Hongjoong, and had asked Seonghwa whether he would be comfortable with showing you around KQ. This had led him to immediately calling Hongjoong, who, much to his surprise, had apparently already organised everything for the same day next week, and now was simply asking Seonghwa to send his regards and warn you that you were probably going to be ambushed since the rest of the guys were going to find out pretty quickly. Oh, and that you had a meeting at two thirty in the afternoon, so better be at KQ by then. After ending the call, Seonghwa turned his head, eyes wide as a saucepans:

“Since when are you business partners with Hongjoong?”

“Probably since I had to call him to ask if it would be okay to organise this.” You gestured all around you, struggling to keep a straight face as EXO’s Growl played in the background.

“And what kind of meeting is he talking about?”

“Long story short I apparently need to sign a non-disclosure agreement. For… reasons.”

“No way. No freaking way you actually did it!” he exclaimed, putting his hands on his head.

“Did… what?” you tried to hide it since Hongjoong had asked you to not tell Seonghwa the specifics, but his reaction was too cute to resist.

“There is literally only one reason why he would want you to join in on some intellectual property protection schemes, and that is if you somehow managed to crack the lore. So… my darling has the ATEEZ multiverse in her hands isn’t that neat?!”

“I said nothing, by the way.”

“I don’t need you beefing with Joongie so neither of us know anything.”

Did you overprepare for what was supposed to be a casual visit? Yes. Did you regret it? Hell no. So, you lugged a heavy tote bag around with you with a great sense of pride, from room to room, studio to studio. Seonghwa asked you a couple of times whether it was too heavy or not, but you stated confidently that it was for an eight makes one team kind of moment.

The gifts contained in the tote bag were a collaboration between eight people, after all. It was not too hard to get in touch with everyone, and they were more than invested in the idea of figuring out a meaningful expression of gratitude. This was how, in a week’s time you had managed to coordinate the ultimate deliverable, exclusively for ATEEZ, and absolutely top secret.

Seonghwa managed to force entry into what had been planned as a meeting between you, Hongjoong and the CEO only, and ended up sitting in a corner, just loving the fact that you were his girlfriend and were so immersed in his work, as spooky theories and future release plans were being hurled around the room. Being sworn to secrecy had never felt as good for you as it did now, and the joy written across Seonghwa’s face as you ended up being able to uphold a discussion about some obscure science fiction anime that the CEO was a fan of served as further motivation.

After finishing the meeting and making your way to a staff-only cafeteria for a late lunch together with Hongjoong and Seonghwa, you were stopped on your tracks by a very distinct shout from behind you.

“SPACE RACE!?”

“Oh so you were not kidding when you said they interrogated you huh?” you turned to Seonghwa after having registered that the rest of ATEEZ were about to stampede you.

“Yep, and that, my dear, was Wooyoung altering you of his presence. Whether you stay still or run it does not really matter. He has you on his radar.” Seonghwa warned you, placing a hand on the small of your back.

“And his girlfriend is my friend.”

“You have too much power, I respect you.” Hongjoong whispered as the three of you turned to greet the rest of the members.

Yunho pushed himself through, introducing himself as the designated driver to a lot of your functions with Seonghwa, for which you bowed to him and thanked him. Yeosang mentioned that your work was very cool, and how he had read your interview in a science magazine published a few months ago, which took you aback, but made you feel honoured. The rest of the members were equally polite, though Jongho was the only one who managed to control his volume when greeting you.

“So, you here to talk science?”

“Only science that’s related to ATEEZ, so if you follow Hongjoong, Seonghwa and I to the cafeteria, I shall share all.”

And who would not sign up for a little mystery?

Once everyone had sat a large table, and were more or less settled down, you finally felt like you could reveal what had been prepared. But, not before quickly shooting a text to a group chat of all your collaborators: “it is happening”.

After looking around the oversized bag, you finally took out gift number one. It was a miniature FIFA World Cup style trophy, engraved with ‘ATEEZ’ and ‘8 makes 1 team’ right at the base. You noticed Jongho go pale, just as you had expected.

Then, there was a game for the console. A side project which a high profile game developer who you admired had been working on for what had been a few months apparently, but managed to wrap up in the time you had set – a Super Smash Bros style multiplayer, but with the boys as the playable characters. Yunho began to look side to side, trying to figure out whether it was only him to realised exactly who was behind this gift.

The next gift was a double combo – it was a CD, recorded by a rapper that was currently rapidly rising to fame, together with a well-designed booklet on the inside, containing the lyrics translated into seven other languages. Both San and Mingi melted into a puddle at the side, punching each other out of excitement.

One of your favourites was a present from your good friend at ‘dream-ity’ – an array of cookies with ornate icing designs, made to look exactly like the various editions of all albums that ATEEZ had ever released. You could hear Wooyoung whispering to himself ‘this cannot be happening and when did she have the time’ over and over again.

Next were eight custom jewellery pieces, matching bracelets for each of the members that were from a not yet available, highly exclusive collection from ARNURI. You had no idea how you had convinced the designer and owner of the brand to just gift that on a whim, but seeing just how Hongjoong.exe ceased to work explained it all.

Was it possible to make a mini magazine in the span of a week? Apparently so, especially when an expert has access to top quality blackmail material collected by none other than Yeosang. And that was exactly what he gravitated towards as soon as you produced it out of the bag. He leafed through page after page, seeing a collection of inside jokes, quotes and memes from both the internet and from his stories of the boys, and was near tearing up.

Seonghwa was staring at you, flabbergasted as you produced a framed mini poster. While the rest of the members were cooing over the various ATEEZ-themed presents, you looked at him, and quietly explained:

“So, this… this is a star map. Basically, how the sky looked like above Seoul, South Korea when you guys made your debut. And under this,” you turned the poster the other way around, and from behind the frame produced a certificate, “is a document confirming you having your own personal star, named after ATEEZ. So, here’s that.”

He covered his mouth with his hand, stifling a gasp.

“Eight makes one team?” you tried, noticing that all the members were either texting, or already calling their special people.

Seonghwa reached over to you, gleaming, thanking the universe time and time again. As he took your hand in his, and looked into your eyes, making time freeze, he whispered:

“Something tells me it’s sixteen.”

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tollingreminiscentbells · 5 months ago

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I have . . . a lot of comments to reply to. I was traveling all week and actually got home at 21:00 last night, then posted the final chapter of All changed and went to bed. I will be replying to comments, but that's a project in and of itself and will take a minute. Please don't take that to mean it's some kind of chore—replying to comments is part of this for me because fandom is a community.

But I have some thoughts and feelings that I am going to put under a cut because I don't want to ruin anything for someone who hasn't read but might.

For a story I didn't exactly intend to write, it ended up being some of the best writing I've done in years. I initially took RadioApple for a fling, right up until I got overly invested in Lucifer's characterization. I'm not here to criticize or bash. Write the stories and make the art that give you joy, and never apologize for it.

But a lot of people write Lucifer too soft, and a little too human, for my taste. I want Lucifer the devil, ancient and eternal. He's a tragic figure in the literary sense—the architect of his own downfall. He has always believed that he knows best, and he destroyed himself (with a lot of collateral damage) in his crusade to be right. But he is trying to be better. Still callous, still selfish, still a fucked-up hypocrite, but trying.

Then there's Alastor the violent sinner who has proudly earned his eternal damnation. I lovingly call him Lucifer's cringe-fail loser second wife because he thinks he's hot shit and then almost gets himself killed more than once by way of his own hubris. Alastor has never been in love before and he struggles with it, with how to love someone and be loved, but he's trying, too.

I also just really wanted to write an asexual romance. I'm asexual, but open to sex, and that is how I write Alastor. His reasons and specific desires and how he thinks about and engages with Lucifer sexually. It isn't an aside or an obstacle, he doesn't suddenly start experiencing sexual attraction, it's just a facet of their relationship. They have an active sex life, but Lucifer still isn't the One Special Exception to Alastor's asexuality (I hate that).

And it's all to get to the love confession sequence in Transformed Utterly. Starting with Alastor's semi-lucid rambling, through Lucifer showing him his true form and the closest thing Alastor has ever had to a religious experience. His moment of seeing the mosaic in its entirety, for the first time. Their shared moment of intense intimacy, just being honest with each other, no defensiveness or affectation. It took, I don't know, maybe 87,000 words to get there, but it's the title—"all changed, changed utterly: a terrible beauty is born."

I write a very specific flavor of RadioApple. Next up is A Momentary Radiance, my Southern Gothic. Which, much like A Terrible Beauty, fits into a canon-adjacent AU timeline. It's a different genre, but in the "Alastor meets Lucifer before he dies" sub-category, so if you like my Lucifer, my Alastor, and my RadioApple, I like to think it will work for you. There will also be a few All changed side stories, at least one of which is going to be very unserious. Look, I think I'm funny and I'm going to subject all of you to it. That's just the cost of admission.

But the real point, in the end, is that I cherish everyone who came along on the journey. If you have questions, if there's something you want to know, my inbox is always open. I will be delighted to answer you, though fair warning: the answer might be a mystique-destroying "I don't know, it sounded good at the time."

💜

#all changed changed utterly #my fics

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the-tmnt-ficfinder · 2 months ago

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Ficfinder finds: The Lemonade Leak

Chapter 19: The Sculptor

Chapter 19 Summary: No summary

The Sculptor: Appraisal and Ratings

(Don't know what fanfic "Appraisal and Ratings" means? Check out my explanation on my Main Masterpost! Looking for a different fanfic to read? Head on over to my Fanfic List Masterpost!)

Disclaimer: This fanfic is only available to those who have an Ao3 profile. This fanfic is written by @turtleinsoup, so go show them some love and support!!

The fanfic ratings are not based on quality, favoritism, or how good I think it is, but rather, how intense a subject may be. Like a movie review, or the tags on Ao3, letting the readers know what to expect.

Plot: 💛💛💛💛💛

"Plot is five out of five!! The jump from Donnie's POV to Mikey's is quick and jarring, but also incredibly effective!! Everything is going to be different now. Like, massively different!"

Suspense/Mystery: 💛💛💛💛🖤

"Suspense/Mystery is four out of five!! The suspense and mystery levels for this chapter originally start out low, as we the readers understand what happened between Donnie and Leo. Then as the story progresses, and more things are revealed, its suddenly apparent that the big picture had yet to be resolved."

Angst/Hurt: 💛💛💛💛💛

"Angst/Hurt is five out of five!! The amount of angsty emotions packed into this chapter is crazy!! The fear, the confusion, the dread, its all so potent!!"

Fluff/Comfort: 💛💛🖤🖤🖤

"Fluff/Comfort is two out of five! Some of the interactions between Mikey and Leo have some comforting elements to them, though it is somewhat marred by the severity of the situations."

Emotions Conveyed: 💛💛💛💛🖤

"Emotions Conveyed is four out of five!! Mikey's emotions are very powerful, and it really bleeds through into the writing!! The grief, the fear, its all so well written!!"

Drama/Tension Level: 💛💛💛💛💛

"Drama/Tension Level is five out of five!! The tension between Mikey and Leo very prominent, and the family drama is a big part of the story as the chapter progresses!!"

Triggers: 💛💛🖤🖤🖤

"Triggers for this chapter are two out of five. This chapter has less triggers, and more emotional angst in it. Most of the triggering things, are implied, or hinted at, rather than actually talked about or shown."

Legibility (Reading): 💛💛💛💛💛

"Legibility (Reading) is five out of five!! As this chapter is from Mikey's POV, I'd say its absolutely a wonderful read!! Its poetic, and flowing, different than the writing style of Leo's and Donnie's POVs."

Legibility (Audio): 💛💛💛💛💛

"Legibility (Audio) is five out of five! No weird formatting in this chapter!! So, its able to be listened to in audio book format!! Yay!!"

Length: 💛💛🖤🖤🖤

"Length is two out of five!! Chapter 19 of The Lemonade Leak takes about 14-15 minutes to listen to!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Chapter ->

<- Previous

The Lemonade Leak: Story Ratings and Chapter List

Personal thoughts on chapter below cut (Contains Spoilers)

Later, Mikey’d sketch over the memory, re-trace it for details, his mental brush hovering too long over the same spots, muddling Leo’s last expressions into loose suggestions. Mikey would re-tell them a thousand times. But here, oh no. His head was stuffed with crème au beurre, a savory-sweet non-knowing.

I absolutely adore how Mikey thinks in art terms, and baking terms. All creativity and creation. It’s fun to compare the thought style of the brothers, and how it affects how they interpret each others actions.

Dr. Feelings didn’t answer. He was super silent lately, and a part of Mikey felt chewy about it, but maybe it was for the best! Mikey couldn’t trust him to do it. To help Leo. (Chocolate should be chocolate and nothing else, and all that!) Dr. Feelings would’ve tried to talk Donnie out of it.

It’s interesting how Dr. Feelings seems to be more of a presence in Mikey’s mind rather than a persona. I wonder, if that was built into his mind, like a fail safe mode to get his brothers to stay together. Because we often see that Mikey is very sensitive and caring. He’d never yell at people. However, Doctor Delicate Touch is very harsh, and Doctor Feelings takes no crap. They both deal with different things. Dr. Delicate Touch with physical issues, and Dr. Feelings with emotional problems. I wonder, does Mikey control this?

Where’s he at? Supply run? He tried to think back. Did he tell me? It was hard to remember. A lot of things were, lately. Memories kept smudging from frantic retracing, mental brush strokes unwilling to form.

Like a hand brushing over a graphite pencils drawing to many times over. Eventually it all smudges together, and bold light and dark contrasts all become gray.

Mikey kept Dr. Positive at gunpoint while he closed the door to Donnie’s room.

Maybe because he doesn’t wanna be overly hopeful? Or because he doesn’t want Dr. Positive to leave…

Mikey warped his arms around Leo’s neck and pressed his nose against the base of Leo’s throat. (By his nature. Like apricot confiture, clementine compote, or the skin of a peach – Orange was a sticky color. His brothers understood that the way they understood their own hues in the picture.) Leo didn’t try to wipe him off. This close, Leo’s scent filled him in a thick rush, petrichor and damp. At the base of Leo’s pulse, Mikey could make out every nuance, every past palette. The dried blood layering him, the sour lick of chemicals and far-away places. Those were the new normal.

The imagery that all these poetic sentences bring, is beautiful in almost a haunting way. I love how Mikey’s thoughts and emotions are objectified. How they’re expressed through colors, and sounds, and flavors. It’s simply stunning.

Mikey tightened his hold and bumped his cheek to Leo’s. Dotting his purr with playful little pecks. “I love hanging out with you, you’re so cool! And fun. You’re so dang important to me.” He felt Leo exhale shakily, sinking into Mikey’s embrace, heavily. His muscles fought with themselves but lost against their own instincts. Leo buried his face in Mikey’s warm shoulder.

Out of all the brothers, Mikey is the one who is most in tune with his emotions. He’s also the one who is most in tune with his animalistic instincts, as they go hand in hand. You can clearly see how this give's Mikey a leg up on his brothers. They're all powerful in their own ways, and this is one of Mikey's ways.

Donnie, Leo. Missing. It was like half of Mikey’s body had been amputated, and he was left with phantom pain in every movement. His body itched and burned, so much; it was hard to feel much but the missing, missing, missing of my brothers.

Mikey’s role in the unit is to keep his family, so it makes sense for that to be instinct driven. It’s not even something he can control. Just how Donnie only feels welcome when he has a purpose, Mikey only feels happy when his brothers are around. Incomplete without them.

Dad didn’t look up from the kitchen table. “What do you mean to say, Orange?” he asked.

Now that Donnie's gone, now that Splinter is no longer taking any of those specialized pills, he's up and about, and interacting with his sons.

Now, my last little thought is on the chapter name. The Sculptor is a very fitting name for Mikey. I find it interesting that the name the painter, or artist wasn't chosen. The sculptor seems much more fitting for this Mikey in particular. A sculptor, to create art, slowly chips away at a hard exterior, till its the shape they want it to be. Occasionally, they'll mold soft clay, shifting it to how they want it to look so that once it dries, it'll be in its correct shape. Other artists, such as painters add paint to a canvas, while a sculptor already has what they're given. Mikey chips away at his brothers, and molds them when they're soft, turning them into the art they need to be.

#tmntficfinder #ficfinder #rottmnt fanfiction #rottmnt #ficfinder finds the lemonade leak #the lemonade leak #rottmnt fanfic #tmnt fanfiction #rottmnt post invasion #disaster twins

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avissapiens · 10 months ago

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JBS retrospective.

Jockbull summer was definitely something where I shot for the stars. 15 tasks where everyone else had only 5. Fairly stringent time limited goals that got more intense and all consuming with each set that was developed. I knew I wasn't going to be perfect at it or even approach 50% completion. And yet i still feel fucking amazing to have done it! In an 8 week span i jockified certain segments of my life in ways that really did feel like they resonated through my whole being. It sounds a bit hyperbolic, I know. But I do think that undergoing such a structured battery of tasks, having it constantly in my mind every single day, even to the point that for 8 weeks straight my phone background was some of the images I generated for each set of post diaries did something to me. Thinking about these Jockbull tasks definitely left a mark on my mindset. And the tasks themselves left a mark on my life because I think some of them are simply going to stick with me.

But they were starting to drag and i noticed myself getting more and more exhausted with..well..everything as the cut came to its end. So it had to come to a close as all good things must

Set A

Of the tasks that are gonna stick with me here I definitely think elements of the competition task are gonna have a big impact. It was perhaps overenthusiastic to demand weekly competition from other people. But I have noticed my approach to things the longer I've held this task in my mind is a lot more geared towards winning and just enjoying competition in general. It’s still not fully realized yet though. There is more I can do to embody that jock mentality of victory at any cost. Maybe i should delve into some specific self programming so that i take it beyond just video games

The other task I think is going to stick is Baki. I just didn’t anticipate how fucking fun it would be and how much it aligns so well with my particular kink ecosystem. But moreover, I think deliberately pursuing baki rather than just mindlessly consuming it has opened me up for more media exploration, and exploration of the sort that will help me see the archetypes in more forms of art. That definitely had an impact on my vibes sets too. And in the time since then I've opened up to exploring shows like Letterkenny which has a whiff of jockbroness to it.

Set B

I feel like Set B was mostly more geared towards accomplishing a specific goal for the cut. And now that it’s accomplished and thensome I can thank it and file most of it away. Maybe bring some of it back around when I do a cut in future. One thing that will definitely be sticking is the Personal Training element. Keeping this task in my mind has really opened up the possibilities. Especially as I’ve talked it through with Abg and others more thoroughly. I want to keep synthesizing my loves and my passions. I moved here to NZ specifically because I wanted to combine my interests into something niche and eclectic but that could still serve me. And the same goes for Personal training. At first I thought I'd be stuck just working in a gym and I was fine with that. But I want more. I want to be able to take this knowledge, this business, and combine it with the different brilliant works I've already put so much work into. The abyss, the archetypes. I wanna do online training and help you all actually physically attain these goals and help you make a transformation Even more astonishing than my own. Combining Personal training and the hypnotic structures I've created. And I'd love to be able to make something steady and sustainable out of it so I can get my own space and grow even more while finishing my degree here. I know it’s lofty. But I've always put in the work and this is no exception. We’ll see how things go once I've got the quals.

Set C

I truly wish that the meditation task was the one I was gonna keep around. Set C however really illustrated how precarious setting too many things in stone can be. Daily routines, a biweekly creative work schedule, weekly fast days. It was a lot. Things eventually had to give and meditation was one of them. Now that I'm trying to gain some muscle mass, fasting days are actively counter productive. And being on commission mode means that a lot of my creative bandwidth is taken up by those. I will however be maintaining the daily routine. It’s not perfect. It never will be. And it sure as hell isn’t for everyone. But I am very much an abyssal creature of habit and structured chaos. And the creation of a daily routine for skincare, supplements, Breakfast. It all makes me feel a lot better and has 100% elevated my aesthetics. Not to mention really entwining himbo as something I relate with and aspire to more and more. For most of JBS i was also using a pretty strict time table for a bunch of summer related things.

But I've decided to retire it because the longer it went on, the more tired and numb I grew and the lower my success rate with any given day’s tasks were. But it was incredibly successful at the start of summer and allowed me to get a lot done and set a great momentum for the rest of it. My libido never really “went away” during the cut like sometimes happens to bodybuilders, but it defo got attenuated or at least shifted. But holy fuck now that i’m back on carbs you can bet that i’ll be doing task 3 almost unthinkingly

All in all, I really enjoyed this experiment and I’d love to try it again in a different form. Maybe with a wider sample of bros who might also benefit from the structure and accountability. In a way the dudes I generated these with stopped being the main form of accountability for me, and you all reading the blogposts and listening to the Voice logs kept me going instead. So thanks so much. Back to regularly scheduled programming

#jockbull summer #jbs #bull #jock

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caluski · 3 months ago

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hi… any tips how to spend your birthday alone :-(

hiii im so sorry baby i know this sucks :(((((( i might be not the right person to answer this bc i always freak out about my birthdays BUT maybe some of these could soothe your nerves a little as well.

choose music for yourself. what i usually do when im having a tough day is picking either a) a playlist of mine that i know will keep me feeling alright, or b) a playlist with new music that i can listen to thorough the day in hopes of finding something new (like my favorite genre playlists from everynoise.com). if youre likely to feel crappy on ur bday best to not choose either too sad or too happy music!!! too sad for obvious reason, but too happy - might make you feel even worse, like forcing yourself to smile in the mirror when you feel like the absolute failure. if youre out of ideas lmk what genres/artists you like and i would love to try to pick out a playlist for you!

the classic go to cinema/cafe/restaurant/gym/beach whatever to keep yourself busy. im sure you probably thought of this yourself but its a standard advice for a reason; activities are good for you!!!!!! since its summer, maybe your city has some fun events? flea market or thrifting? being a tourist at your own city? maybe a free museum or art gallery exhibit? think it through, im sure theres something you can come up with!!!! for me, free-to-attend events work best, because i dont have to worry about feeling guilty about spending much money.

if youre like me, you might feel worse if you pretend its a day like any other - for me, celebrating things is super important, so i have to acknowledge birthdays properly. so what i do, instead of acting like its nothing, is trying to make it as special as possible. if you cant be with your loved ones, try to make it a day of preparing yourself for the upcoming year. for me, its usually meditation, taking some time to relax with my thoughts (like during yoga), lighting candles, and so on and so on. for me this past sunday, it was a lot of listening to the rain and intense wind. maybe take a super long bath, or if you prefer being more active, a longer than usual walk/run to help you clear your mind.

this is connected to previous point, but - remember to look at your future with hope no matter what. its really important to try and find positives, even if being alone for one reason or another sucks so much. good ways of doing it are listing ways in which your life has become better than last year (there MUST be something - maybe youve become better at sex, maybe youre feeling a little more comfortable in your gender expression, maybe you finally learned how to love food you used to be grossed out by, whatever). think of what youve overcome since past birthdays, think of how youve grown or what youve learned, and then set yourself some goals to achieve over the next year. dont be TOO ambitious because then youll just feel upset bc you didnt manage to meet your expectations. aim low and specific! explore a new city, try to overcome your anxiety about phonecalls, find a new comfort tv show, and such. think of small things youve always wanted to improve on that feel more achievable. you can put it into a letter to yourself to open in a year, maybe a word document, an extra long journal entry. remember that a you from the next year will likely read this! be kind to them and give them as many excuses to feel proud and hopeful as possible.

start the good change & embrace new things! dont let yourself drown in sadness by staying in bed all day. its okay to have bad days and let yourself process them - we cant possibly be doing our best all the time, and sometimes slowing down for a moment really is necessary to keep moving forward - but it'll feel so much better to do something meaningful (to you). if youve been wanting to start working out for a while, a day like this might be good to do it for the first time. or maybe youve been putting off cleaning your bedroom or your bathroom or something. change your sheets and pajamas! start fresh! crack open a new book! maybe you have an unused notebook laying around - start a scrapbook with a beautiful collage on the very first page. make that recipe youve kept in your bookmarks for years - its so fun to look back at your memories like, "oh i remember ive made my very favorite meal for the very first time on that lonely birthday!!! how symbolic is that, now i cant imagine celebrations without it!!!" and so on and so on.

and these might be super obvious but theyre also super important: stay well fed and hydrated! get plenty of fresh air! if possible reach out to someone for some human contact! go to bed at proper hour or take naps (dont stay up for too long esp if you know you'll do nothing but feel sad - and lack of sleep will only make you feel shittier).

these might be pretty plain but i hope something can be helpful. so sorry about your birthday being in solitude! i hope the next one will be much, much better and you'll be surrounded by your loved ones. happy birthday sweet pea! and let me know how the day goes for you :-) mwah!

#pogaduchy

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tfdtreasurer · 4 months ago

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hi sooo i have very very VERYYY intense eridan x yn brainrot happening and its all i can post about and think about, can you please tell me how the actual fuck do i cope with the ampora brainrot TEACH ME UR SECRETS /hj (funnily enough i found ur blog through you liking one of my eridan posts, soo yk)

It is not a total exaggeration to say that Eridan brainrot has taken over the entirety of my creative thinking capabilities. Some would see this as a negative, but I believe I have achieved zen mastery over my brainrot, which I think is the best case scenario, very possibly enlightenment. So in short, embrace the Eridan and channel it creatively. This also applies to literally any character that you form brain rot over, so I hope the rest of this ask may be universal to other people too.

The long and universal answer is that you have to start by forming an in depth interpretation of the character that you can creatively work with. Research everything you possibly can about them and when you're done research more until you're so wrapped up in thoughts and ideas you want to spin into yarns you're not sure what are spurious connections or load bearing columns. Link your thoughts about the character to your own personal philosophy on nothing less grand than life itself. From there, anything you will want to say will steadily become clearer, and you'll be better equipped to express it in artistic and creative medium.

For me with Eridan I can spend hours in Wiki holes and esoteric and specialist websites for the strangest things. I know the symbolism of the water carrier and the shoulder yoke. I know the myth of Ganymede, cup bearing and drinking poison. I know the exact names and manufacturers of 1800s whaling equipment, their mechanisms and specifications. I know that Starbuck is the name of a significant whaling dynasty. I know the scents of lightning. I know the instruments of the apocalypse and armies. I know the complicated etymology of romance. I know emperors and conquerors. I know of biblically wicked kings. Think of nothing that you research or notice shallowly. Look for deeper meaning because even if you determine it's not intended in that case, you can create something with it where it is. Do that and your repertoire of symbols and devices will become infinite.

At every step and revelation about Eridan as a character I related it to my own worldview and practiced endless self inquiry like a fucked up fandom fueled Socratic dialogue. And as my worldview refined, without meaning to sound ridiculous, I came to view things through the lens of Eridan goddamn Ampora. Does that sound ridiculous? Yes, absolutely. Would I admit in person? Maybe on my deathbed or in a criminal confession. Is it the truth? Yeah. Sorry to get all hippie communist all of a sudden but I can seriously link Eridan to my thoughts on capitalism and class struggle, on anarchism and anti-authoritarianism, the status quo and revolution, on psychology and how to relate to our fellow human beings. Not because she's instrumental in getting to those beliefs, but because the art I want to create to express myself and consequently the beliefs that form myself will inexorably use my ultra brairot powers to do so. Even if you don't seek to create art, training yourself to look deeper and analyze at that level about anything will help you consuming art in a way that will give you so much satisfaction in the long run.

For me personally, I have written works of art that are just channels for all my complicated thoughts on Eridan. I've written my own version of orphaners, of kids that wanted different lives than the one they ended up with, allegories of the Aquarius zodiac, magicians and scientists, punks and soldiers, bespectacled and pinstripe-wearing villains. I've entered them into contests and to literary journals. On small scales, I've won money and gotten published.

Yes I realize that it's mostly plain ol brain rot but at the same time a part of me is always wondering if this is just the nature of how we're influenced by art. The way that Homestuck is written feels like it's somebody's own experience with an obsession with something in particular that spiraled outward into all these esoteric sources that were then synthesized into a singular creative work. Gnosticism and genetics and Internet culture and video games and music, but also little its and bits of things like lovecraftian horror, anime, chess, Peter Pan. To borrow the words of a recently relevant political figure,

"You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? [...] You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you.”

It's the same thing with art. I came to understand at some point in my life that I am less merely effected by my influences, and more possessed by them. In writing, I find myself acting irrationally, random impulses to include depths of symbolic comparison that nobody but myself could possibly hope to understand. I try to tame these impulses when they arise, make them more accessible, but my subconscious psyche is a pair of invisible hands perpetually at the wheel. So, I really just wish that someone eventually reads into my writing and is just as possessed by my words as I was by something else writing them. Even if it's not what I intended or the ghosts possessing me even intended, because writing is strange like that, in how we leave so much in the hands of the audience to interpret their own way. Like, I don't know if the cup-bearer-zodiac-Eridan drinking something later linked to an allusion of poison was intentional, but it will be for my own art. I don't know if Eridan's scare-everyone-away personality was connected to the skunk stripe-like hair, but for the characters I write it will. And I hope my legacy is like a legion of weird eridan-like ghosts haunting others' writing everlasting into eternity.

So, yeah, how do you cope with Eridan Ampora brainrot? Learn to love it, and learn to use it. Most of all, learn to love using it.

#homestuck #eridan ampora #brainrot #though it's not really about her #just kinda ramblin #it's more about writing than anything #also #Cw: American politician mention #and this was 90% about writing but if you want to create visual art I would think all the same stuff goes #Obsess about a design and channel your passion into learning how to iterate on it creatively #and you can motivate yourself to think deeper and harder about the techniques and styles you use #idk tho im not that advanced a visual artist #eridan #she/her eridan #hs #ask response

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nightingale-ghost-writer · 9 months ago

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By the Grace Of [Sorcerer Rogier x Fem!Tarnished] - Chapter One

Summary: Rogier meets a Tarnished and finds what he’s been searching for- in more ways than one.

Author’s Notes: 1K words to start! The Tarnished isn’t named in this chapter, but she will be. 😉 thank you to my beloved @halfmoth-halfman for giving me an excuse to post this. 💙

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or events from Elden Ring

Warnings: abstract horror? I think? Unedited (basically), unfinished story- read at your own risk!

If he hadn’t watched it happen, he probably wouldn’t have ever known. He’d just stepped forward to peek out the doorway when a figure landed on the stones before him without a sound. The same Tarnished who’d fought Margit. She froze, lavender eyes locked on him as he paused.

“Ah, nice to meet you. The pleasure’s mine.” When she didn’t move, he went on, turning on his infamous breezy charm. “Rogier’s the name. A sorcerer, as you might’ve guessed.” She straightened slowly, eyeing him warily.

Rogier shifted, growing a bit nervous. He’d thought she might be friendly, after his aid in her fight against the Omen. Now, though he could hardly begrudge her caution, he wasn’t so sure. And she was beautiful in a way that was vaguely intimidating all on its own. Sooty lashes brushed her cheeks as she blinked at him, one slim hand on her sword hilt.

“I’m looking for a little something, here in the castle. When I’m not hotfooting it from the troops, that is.” He cocked a rueful grin, hoping for some expression. Nothing. “But enough about me. What are you doing here in Stormveil Castle? This place is bristling with Tarnished hunters, you know.” He was rambling, now. “They sacrifice our kind, for grafting. Not exactly a place I’d stroll into without a purpose in mind…”

“I’m here to defeat Godrick.” Her voice was soft and rough, low in a way he hadn’t expected. He blinked, momentarily thrown off guard.

“I see. Here to challenge Godrick, and lay your hands upon a Great Rune, are you?” She nodded, and he could feel himself relaxing. If only a bit. Then her gaze seemed to catch on something he couldn’t see before coming back to him. Bitterness flooded his throat, nearly choking him in its intensity. “You can see it then, I take it? The guidance of grace.”

She nodded, and he tried to level his voice when he replied. “Well, enjoy it while you can. I’m Tarnished, like you. But unlike you, I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of this guidance for the longest time.”

Her brow furrowed, and she stepped further into his little sanctuary. Rogier tried to mask the sharp spike of anxiety he felt, and was grateful when she came no further. He felt naked under her sharp gaze, pierced through and stripped of all his cavalier defenses. He tried to keep the panic and exasperation from his voice. “Still, I won’t forget how it felt when I first came here, to the Lands Between.” He’d erred too far on the side of caution. His voice was far more wistful than he would have liked.

The Tarnished hummed, finally taking her eyes from him to look around the room. He breathed out sharply, relieved. They rested for a moment on his fire, and Rogier extended a hand. After a moment’s hesitation, the Tarnished sat. Rogier realized that she was just as nervous as he. On the one hand, it filled him with pride that he could intimidate a warrior as fierce as she. On the other, it filled him with relief to have a peaceful encounter like this. Had she any wish to strike at him, she’d have done it by now.

“I’m privy to a few magical battle arts,” he blurted. She looked up, eyebrows raised. Rogier stumbled on, lowering himself to sit across the fire from her. “Would you care to learn one? As a fellow Tarnished, once guided by grace, I’d love to help you out, if it please.”

A wry smile quirked one corner of her lips, highlighting a fine scar there. “I’m afraid I’ve no aptitude for magic. Cold steel’s more my speed.”

“Oh?” Rogier grinned. He drew his rapier, carefully, holding it out handle first. The Tarnished took it gently from his hands, turning the blade this way and that reverently. “Keen to learn another battle art, are we?”

She looked up, then back to the hilt in her hands. “It’s a fine blade,” she admitted, turning it back toward him. He took it from her hands and leaned back to slide the blade into its sheath. The soft hiss of steel raised his eyes, but he found only another hilt before him.

Rogier’s eyebrows lifted. The blade was rusted, chipped in places and somewhat dull. “You used this… to fight Margit?”

She shrugged a muscled shoulder, not quite meeting his eyes. “I’ll replace it eventually. Just haven’t found anything better, yet.” She looked up then. “Thank you, by the way.” At his blank look, she went on. “For helping me.”

“Oh, that. Of course. As I said, fellow Tarnished and all that. Happy to help you out.”

She hummed again, tilting her head. “That doesn’t seem to be the case amongst us all.”

Rogier grimaced. “Come across someone less friendly?”

“Several someones, in fact.” He waited, but she offered no further comment before standing. “Thank you for sharing your fire with me. I’d best be getting on, though.” And off she went through the door, silently as she’d come. As eager as Rogier had been to escape from her eyes, her absence left him feeling bereft of comfort. He sat for a long while after she went, watching the space where she’d been.

There was a certain despair that accompanied meeting new Tarnished. Sometimes, when they were particularly rude, Rogier allowed himself to gleefully imagine the moment that they, too, lost the ability to see the guidance as he had. But only for a wink.

Tonight, he found himself hoping that just this once, that moment might take a long, long time. Perhaps even long enough that he could discern what made her attention so captivating.

And in the depths of the castle, pierced with Death itself and barely able to drag himself away, as he crawled on shaking arms, fumbling his Roundtable medallion out of his pocket, the only thing that kept him awake enough to escape was the memory of those eyes, burning into and through him. The memory of feeling, and the hope of feeling again, seen. Truly seen, for the first time.

#nightingale writes #elden ring #elden ring sorcerer rogier #elden ring rogier #sorcerer rogier #sorcerer rogier x tarnished #rogier x tarnished #sorcerer rogier x fem!tarnished #rogier x fem!tarnished

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gomzdrawfr · 1 year ago

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I hope you die, your its okay art lied about everything

(mention of mw3 spoilers)

Hello dear annon.

I would like to say in the first place, that art of mine isn't tag or meant to be a mw3 thing, I drew it as a comfort art for me and thought of sharing it to everyone else too.

Though it has seem to elicit a response like this from you it seems, and Im sorry you have to feel this way.

As much as the news of our fav character passing distraught everyone, keep in mind they're pixels and that we, the people in the fandom are real people. Don't channel your emotions like this to other people.

Yes, they're more than pixels, some of these characters are our comfort characters and they changed our live. I understand that.

But in no way should you ever send death threats like this to ANYONE, and i mean other artist, content creators, voice actors and the developer themselves(yes, there are people doing that)

I get it, everyone is sad, mad, disappointed and just overall not in a good mood from the game, and sometimes emotions get in the heat of the moment.

I'll never know what happened in your end, maybe you were going through it and my art sets everything off in you, I can understand.

But understand that there is also, another person at the other end, that may also be affected by such news(i am in fact still not over it), negative comments like this only serve to damage people more.

Be better than this, learn to handle intense feelings in another way.

This fandom has many many talented people who has offer their take on the ending, some are making fix-it fic, some are making their own cannon, some are expressing their pain in arts and writings, some are openly expressing their pain and frustration with others in the comment doing the same, and some are offering great in-depth analysis of the game and how they think.

That is what I suggest you to do, visit those things, it helps to level your emotions, or find someone to confine to, instead of being negative like this.

I hope you read this and learn something.

I can only say you're lucky that I know how to handle situation like this, you need to understand that death threat like this carry a lot of consequences and damage no matter how short the words are, so much so that someone out there can take it seriously.

Don't be that kind of person, don't let temporary feelings like this lead to another one's end.

And please.

It's a fictional game. Please remind yourself that.

and to the rest who are reading this, PLEASE as well do not get too mad over this and threaten the annon, we are better than this. Acknowledged the threat and move on, let's keep it that way and make this a safe place <3.

#gummmyspeaks #ask response #educate yourself out there people #dont make everyone else look bad by your actions #cod mw3

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polybiusplayer · 1 year ago

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i am once again thinking about ninejuice (for the first time in a whole month wow)

thats all! have a nice rest of your day

ME TOO OML!!

Oh boy I’m gonna take this opportunity to rant about them.

Nine Juice rant below, read at your own risk.

I’m thinking about them so often…. ITS LIKE!!! I can totally understand people seeing them as only platonic!! And I’ve always actually felt kinda nervous to ship them for some reason… the 17776 enjoyers haven’t been much to do shipping, especially since romance is not really the point of the story, at all. but I just really believe they have a bond that just, is a lot.

There is a level of understanding and compassion that Juice shows to Nine in his own ways, he knows exactly how to help Nine cope after the intermission, he knows what they’re thinking when their communications fuck up. (Nine was indeed cussing him out, they said “fuck you.”) He is teasing as always, but not hesitant to reassure them afterwards.

Nine is very observant. They make note of Juices usage of grammar, how he capitalizes thing that are important to him. I can’t remember exactly which chapter that’s in, but I’m like 100% sure Nine pointed this out. Obviously, Nines name is almost always capitalized . This is a notable exception

Has he EVER used this many exclamation points?!

I also love the way the infodump to each other. Ten by this point has heard Juices rants a billion times before, she loves him, but is sick of them! Of course he sees no problem in that. But then suddenly there’s a new listener who is intensely eager and interested in what he has to say! It feels special, because Nine never seems to get bored of it. They love to hear him talk, about anything really, but especially what he’s passionate about. -

Which is mostly football. Football is how he processes the world. With sports and all the things that come with it he was able to come to terms with reality. He looks at it through such a unique lense in order to make sense of it all. Even his own football game is not just insane rules strung together all willy nilly, it’s truly a work of art with a deeper meaning. It’s like he’s painting with the fields, you know?

Nine understands this, and if they don’t, they WANT to. In my mind, Juices voice and rambles about lunchables or whatever start off confusing to them, but once they understand where it comes from and why and what Juice is trying to attempt with all this, they understand a lot.

Nine copes with history, they look into the past for comfort and familiarity. they feel so intensely behind, at first it started as a way to catch up and feel up to date with their friends, but then they discovered that the history of this world was just sort of a safe space for them. Juice loves to hear Nine talk about stuff even he never knew about. Nine is quite the researcher, and is always able to pull up SOMETHING. He is too, but not to this level. They share facts and information back and forth, intently listening to each other and trying to understand. Always.

Juice knows what Nines going through, it’s quite obvious with what he says here.

They ground each other in this reality, they give each other a person to talk about football with. Someone to try and not think about things too hard with. And then when things DO get hard? And the thoughts are too much? They’ll always be there for each other to help.

An underrated aspect about Juices character is how intelligent he is. SURE, he spends a lot of time joking around, that’s just his thing!!! But he is by no means stupid, he’s a little silly, but so so much more than that. He also cares, a lot! He is lonely, he loves his friends so dearly although he doesn’t express it nearly as much as Nine.

Nine is also a lot more than their troubles. A lot of their arc has to do with coming to terms with the state of existence, but they’re also incredibly compassionate and loving. SO SO loving. They’re blindly trusting, showing no hesitation with their love for everyone. They’re observant, and also a bit of a jokerster! They got that from Juice.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, I just really like the two of them, I love their dynamic. I feel like if they could, they would hug for a real long time. Unfortunately they’re way too far apart and made of nuts and bolts. But they still love each other, nothing changes that, not in a billion years

#polybius talks #17776

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cornsobsessions · 2 years ago

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It's the end of 2022 so here are my favorite fics that I read this year! These weren't all written in 2022, in fact many of them were not, but I did read all of them this year.

They cover a wide range of ratings and topics so please read any of the writers tags and content warnings before reading. a * means you need to be logged in to ao3 to read.

Anything in Italics is my thoughts.

1. consider the hairpin turn (do not choose sides yet) by jjcofeesa (@30samwiches) zimbits, holsom, shardo, pimms | 50k You are not in a car with a beautiful boy. You are in a car next to a beautiful boy. And in a car behind your ex. And in a car ahead of your best friend. If you're Jack Zimmermann, current World Driver's Champion, that is. If you're Eric Bittle, you're too nervous about your rookie season to be thinking about what the boys in the other cars look like. (You tell yourself you're too nervous, anyway. You do think about it.) If you're on Twitter, well. They're all beautiful boys, and you wish you could be in the car with them. I don't know when this became a comfort fic for me but I have read it several times now and it has been wonderful every single time

2. action painting, abstract in the making by unconventionalturtle (@watermelonmountaindew) zimbits | 35k A stolen painting. A forged painting. A mysterious blonde. That's how it all begins.Jack Zimmermann thinks he’s set himself up for a nice, simple life when he quits playing hockey and gets started on his degree. But for the grad student, and night shift security guard, the summer of 2015 seems to have other plans. A fun story about the gang and you get to learn about some cool paintings along the way!

3. Defining Expectations by cricketnationrise (@cricketnationrise) nurseydex | 32k When Will joins the team at Samwell Dictionary, he doesn't know what to expect about anything other than his job description. With the help of good friends (and good pie) he might just have a shot at defining his expectations.

4. Got Your Back Means I'll Get You Out by cricketnationrise (@cricketnationrise) bitty and shitty | 17k Bitty Comes Out. Shitty Comes To Get Him. heartbreaking, wholesome, and full of platonic love

5. getting used to letting go by jennycaakes nurseydex, farmer | 37k Dex was supposed to have a fancy job in some city upon graduation, but his plans changed once his uncle died and left the family home in Maine to him. Without immediate obligations of their own, Nursey, Chowder and Farmer follow Dex up there to help him clear it out and clean it up. The way this feels so true to life is insane

6. I Don't Know What I Would Do by specklesandflowers jack and shitty | 57k The adventures of first-year Shitty Knight and Jack Zimmermann and the beauty that is their friendship I love Jack and Shitty’s friendship so much and this was so fun to read

7. The Gay Favour by FightMeImSmall nurseydex | 43k “I need a favour.” Will said intensely to the group of people assembled before him. “Okay so last year my brothers were ragging me about going to a liberal arts college and just generally being dicks. Sibling stuff, and like, that was fine. But then Christopher was like ‘found yourself a boyfriend yet?’ like as a joke and I’d had it up to here with their shit and replied, ‘so what if I have?’ So now my family think I’m gay and expect me to bring a boyfriend to this big ole reunion. If I don’t bring one they’re just going to get worse.” His friends all blinked at him, surprise evident in each of their faces. “I’ll do it.” Nursey said slowly The OCs are amazing and it was just so fun to read

8. Breathe With No Air by bluflamingo parswoops | 25k After Jack kisses Bitty on the ice, Kent's attacked one night by drunk, homophobic hockey fans. He's got no memory of the attack, but that doesn't make it any less traumatic. Fortunately, he's got his friends to get him through, in more ways than one. Pain but its also so beautiful

9. got the feeling you're the right thing after all by bisexualnursey nurseydex | 74k Two and a half years after he breaks up with Dex to go to grad school across the country, Nursey runs into him again when he visits New York for the holidays. What starts as them just rekindling their friendship quickly turns into a whole other thing: a 100% no-strings-attached friends with benefits arrangement while they’re in the same city. Which is totally chill because Nursey is definitely over Dex. He swears. He’s going back to California soon anyway.

10. (simply having) a WTF christmas time by loud_as_lions * whiskeytango, wtf | 17k All the Ford siblings are home for the holidays. Denice’s brothers are more than a little surprised when their sister brings not one, but two men home for Christmas. Logically, they assume she’s dating one of them. Which one, though? Just so much love can be felt and the OCs are wonderful

11. write our names in the wet concrete by MyCupOfTea zimbits | 20k “Oh my God, has it? Been ten years already?” The Olympics are never without their fair share of drama, scandal, and movie worthy storylines. However, the 2018 Winter Olympics remains burned into the sports world’s memory especially bright. And the sports world, despite their somewhat recent retirement, includes Eric Bittle and Jack Zimmermann. I love the way this is written

12. I've been waiting for a lifetime, for a moment just like this. by pandabob parswoops | 25k It's Jeff's last Christmas hospital visit before he retires so Kent is determined to make sure that he visits everyone, little does he know that this visit will change their lives forever.Heart wrenching and beautiful

13. Your heart hurts, mine does too by the_p_in_raspberry zimbits | 19k Shitty had always thought that because of Samwell’s LGBTQ+ friendly rumor, if one of his teammates weren’t straight they would come out eventually, only waiting because they weren’t ready yet, but never waiting because they were scared. He could see now how his logic was flawed. heartbreaking and heartwarming, all at the same time

14. From the Ground Up by Rianne kent/omc | 167k Kent has a pretty good life. It’s been a couple years since the Aces last won a cup, but he’s still at the height of his career. He has an apartment with a stunning view over Vegas, a best friend who’s always dragging him to basketball games, a cat to cuddle with, and more money than he could ever spend. Everything is fine. So it won’t be a problem at all if he strikes up a friendship with that guy he meets at the All-Star party. ---- Tomas enjoyed the years he spent in Minnesota, but he’s ready for a new life in a different city. It means he’ll be even further from his friends and family in Quebec, and he’s not sure he’s going to adapt well to the desert. But he’ll have his new job to distract him, and he’s never minded the challenge of developing a new circle of friends and acquaintances. He doesn’t expect Kent Parson to be part of that.

15. mon pays by weneedtotalkaboutsherlock (@weneedtotalkaboutfic) zimbits, shardo, farmer, zimmerparents | 41k He didn't suggest they come to the cabin because he misses home, not really. At first, it was a senior thing between Shitty and him, one last weekend together before their final semester at Samwell, before graduation, before their lives inevitably change and diverge in ways Jack doesn't want to think about too much. Shitty suggested that Lardo and Bitty should tag along, and Jack agreed. Having them at the cabin… it was a good thought. He'd have them for his own, for a few days. But then, four became six, when Holster and Ransom heard about their plans, and cherry on top, the Frogs tagged along as well after that. So much for a quiet weekend between friends. snow filled shenanigans

16. four calling birds by wit (@parvuls) zimbits, shardo | 11k "You are now listening to Shits and Bits on Hub 98FM!" In which four radio hosts and one medical emergency result in Jack and Bitty co-hosting a show the night before Christmas Eve.

17. Friend Request by WrathoftheStag (@wrathofthestag) zimbits, shardo, nurseydex, fordtango | 26k When Eric Bittle was 18, he made out with 20-year-old hockey player, Jack Zimmermann, at an Olympic after-party. 25 years later, an unexpected friend request from Jack throws Eric for a loop. What’s a guy to do?

18. Time and Hearts by rickysims katyageorge, zimbits | 16k In 2002, a figure skater from Russia and a hockey player from Canada met at the Olympics. They fell in love. Jack and Bitty know that part. What they don’t know is what happened next and why Katya and George might not want to rekindle flame that went out 20 years ago.

19. Becoming Lardo by loud_as_lions * shardo | 9k Larissa was different with these boys than she was with anyone else. She had always thought that all the talk about finding yourself in college was bullshit, but these boys were making her wonder just how much of what she had previously believed might be changed by this place. An absolutely wonderful lardo character study

20. Like Our Own Private Island by imafriendlydalek * zimbits, shardo | 85kAfter Eric loses his spot on the SMH team and Lardo graduates, they're both left floundering with few options. So when the opportunity comes up to manage a cafe on a remote island in Quebec, it seems like as good a place as any to figure out their next steps in life. Even if it does mean he'll need to brush up on his French. The last thing Eric expects to find in a place like this, reachable only by ship in the warmer months or tiny little tin-can airplanes, is a town full of people who welcome them like family. Well, everyone except one: the enigmatic, irresistible Jacques Laurent.

21. Eric Bittle, NBC 10 by foryouandbits zimbits | 82k In 2009, Jack Zimmermann was drafted 2nd overall to the Providence Falconers. After a tumultuous first season in the minors, Jack returns to the NHL and is named captain within a year. Known to the media as the "hockey robot," no one seems to be able to break through the polite barrier that Jack has built — no one until Eric Bittle, newest intern at NBC 10. Bitty, interning as a requirement for his journalism degree at nearby Samwell University, forms an instant connection with Jack. Throughout the rest of the season, and the rest of Bitty's junior year at Samwell, the two grow closer while learning how to both trust each other and succeed in their respective careers. A fun alternate meeting AU

22. thinking outrageously (I write in cursive) by bumblegremlin (@bittysthesis) pimms, zimbits | 15k Jack was glad Bitty wanted a long engagement. It gave him time to address the very large, very pressing issue at hand. Eric Bittle was Jack Zimmermann’s fiancé. Kent Parson was Jack Zimmermann’s husband. A fun and funny fic in which Kent is a little shit and so is Jack

I read so many awesome fics this year and like last year making this list was very difficult! I can't wait to see what all you write in the future (or have written in the past) that I will get to read!

#i read a lot of fics over 10k this year sorry not sorry #i am not lying when i say narrowing this list down is so hard #my 'short' list is over 60 fics long and i read many many more #i hope you all enjoy and i can't wait to read more!#fic recs #best of 2022 #omgcp #check please #omgcheckplease

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loversgothic · 1 year ago

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Maybe you've done it already and I missed it, but what would Gabriel's two-week-notice look like in the Ultradanse AU?

This has nothing to do with any other comments you have made about feral Gabriel or any other desire to see how he changes from The Gilded Nightingale to The Nightingale.

:3c. OOOHH. WELL

ive been really trying to think about that hard, since comparing the characters to those in fairytales and ballets tended to skew the story a bit.

and uh... my descriptions wont be the best.. im not the best at explaining things in ballet terms moreso just based on my perception of the art form and what i see in it through my eyes.

also im gonna go off of the concept that ultradanse is almost like a stage performance, a show

the most i can do to describe how it looks is to compare it to my vision for the first encounter with Odile/V1... because of the way i designed his lil costume he has a sort of princely look, and even though hes yknow. out to kill V1 because V1 traversed past his warnings, his dancing with V1 then is much more... poised. it might feel a bit distant, maybe it might even seem like hes unsatisfied doing it, as at the time there is no personal connection with V1, no love nor hatred. its not romantic, hardly so. i dont know if this is a good example, but i was thinking abt Prince Siegfried's dancing in Waltz: Tempo di valse...

once V1 is pretty much responsible for his 2-week notice, i like to think Nightingale/Gabriel starts to match V1's high energy, his grace is kinda going out the window... itd be much more intense. if its a pas de deux hes probably getting his fucking hands all over them like hes about to tear them apart. hes abandoning that princely facade. i feel like though in the second half a pas de deux between them would make them slow their pace. now that both of them are dancing together and able to match intensity, it starts to slow down into something more... romantic? yeah :3 i like to think this, this is where any romantic tension starts

now about how he changes from the gilded nightingale to the nightingale. you see... after their second encounter, Gabriel is convinced hes going to die, after all thats what he was told. once he returns from heaven, he seeks out V1 to ask of one final request. he doesn't want to die lonely, and asks V1 to dance with him until the final hour runs out. V1 has no reason to accept his request, other than something pulling at it do so and the possibility it could take a little bit more blood before he's gone. dancing together, progressively Gabriel becomes weaker and weaker.

i REALLY wanted to keep this secret for a scene i wanted to draw but honeeesttlyyyy i dont think its too bad if i share it. after all, im not sharing V1's feelings here. im sharing Gabriel's :3

i had this whole.. plan

my thing abt pas de deuxs is that. i like to find symbolism in the fact that traditionally, the male dancer is supposed to support the ballerina to be able to perform moves she typically wouldnt be able to on her own without someone holding her.

towards the end of their dance, V1 switches positions to hold and uplift Gabriel instead, who has this entire time been in the place of the male dancer. in his approaching final moments V1 lays him down on the ground. he's hardly moving, and V1 holds onto him, finding itself not wanting him to just... disappear.

now im still figuring out HOW i want this to work. but i thought abt V1 in desperation, grasping onto the sides of his helmet and ripping his helmet in half being the symbolic thing that sets him free. the thing about the gilded nightingale, is that the armor is the bird's cage. Gabriel's design in this AU only really has the helmet and no other armor, so it just... makes sense to me. this is what sets him free. how the transformation works though? i am.. still thinking about it. you might need to give me a bit to think about that

#im trying not to make that transformation magical girl esque LMAO BUT ITS SO HARD NOT TOOOOO #.txt #ask #sorry for rambling meoww #ultradanse au #crazy? i was crazy once #im considering redesigning ultradanse gabe a little again im not sure why

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sarah-hell-pit · 9 months ago

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well, I am back to reading the Exestential Crisis manga. Perhaps I should read it some other time that isn’t my birthday, but it’s a tradition at this point. After all, I am an artist. And not the professional kind. Which is what I went to school for.

Blue period is a very good manga. There’s a lot of research that went into it, but you can also tell how much of the author’s own feelings go into the manga. I will probably write a review on it at some point. This one is a bit harder for me to process than some others, because of the story’s subject matter. I will say that the thing I miss most about reading it is the way it describes the process of making art, and the revelations of the main character regarding the nature of art.

I have a feeling that Blue Period may play a large role in my life. I’m not sure yet. I know that it will change me, somehow. Every story changes me a little. Eventually, I think, the more one reads, even manga, the better one becomes able to understand the nature of the world around them.

What do you really want? It’s a question that many people are asked, and very few know the answer to. For the main character of Blue Period, what he wants is to satisfy his curiosity— he wants to know- what is art, really? His advantage is that it’s his sole motivator, and he has no pride in his work, only a ceaseless drive to unravel that answer.

Maybe that was my mistake, going into art school with a very set, predefined notion of what “art” meant and was, one very different from everyone around me.

There’s no one or easy answer to the question of what art is. What people consider to be art varies widely from person to person, from country to country. And yet there remains a few defining parameters consistent across cultures. Art is a human creative endeavor, one that seeks to convey an idea or meaning; not something purely decorative (which falls into the realm of design, or illustration.) Art is fundamentally a means of communication. I think this is where I first became confused in art school. For me, the meaning behind art had always been secondary to its appearance. Art was a practice in intense reproduction from my mind’s eye; a practice of generating imagery from nothing in particular, something that had many details and could provoke thought, a wide array of thought that fell mostly into the realm of fantastical. Art was about generating ideas. Art was about all of the leaping off points, not necessarily about a unified and set message.

Art has no “practical” purpose. Instead, it serves an ideological one, telling you what the author believes about the world, maybe how it is, maybe how it should be, or how it has been. But it always has a central theme that, if not immediately discernible, can be recognized through the text in the artist’s description or statement. Art is about reflecting society, and reflecting ourselves.

Maybe it’s no secret why I have had such a love hate relationship with art. Unlike Yaguchi, I was not curious about what art could be. I thought I knew. And as my fundamental drawing professor taught me, when you think that you know how something looks, you will always draw it inaccurately.

And yet, art does interest me. When I can pick the questions that it asks, on my own terms. It’s difficult to justify art to oneself. It shouldn’t be. Creating art is a fundamental tenant of human self expression. Art is who we are.

I’m rambling and it’s late. I guess my point is, you can’t understand something unless you are willing to be curious about it, and really open to receiving answers in the form of information that you really didn’t expect. You have to be openminded.

You have to be willing to see art in unexpected places; in places where it wasn’t intended, where there was no human controlling the setup. The things that you personally recognize as art, which serve no artistic purpose originally, define your perspective and define you as a person. This is what you, as an individual, can utilize to make art.

art belongs to everyone. But it can only belong to the people brave enough to reach out and grab it. It belongs to those who want it, who need it. So it belongs to those who don’t create it, too. But the only art that you can claim as your own is the art that comes from your unique perspective; something built off of self reflection and in direct communication with the world around you.

And art is not about creating something; it’s about trying to get at something else, and creating something in the process.

I guess I never understood that before.

The scene where Yatora draws himself naked, and then learns that he sees his body, and the human form in general as pathetic, made me realize that it’s really easy to not know what your perspective even is until you are in the midst of reaching towards art.

I found it hard to think of art as a language, but it very much is. Once I started thinking of art in the same way I already think of writing, I believe that my art began to improve.

I think a lot of this series is Yaguchi learning, bit by bit, that traditional art is a tricky union of skill, technique and intent, trying to combine the three in perfect balance— and often failing in one capacity or another. That’s what makes the series good; it’s realistic. Most of artwork is a failure in one way or another.

I could say so much more, I could probably sit here and type until tomorrow dawns about all of the things this anime surfaces within me. But I’ll leave it there for tonight.

Blue period is a very good series about asking oneself some very hard questions, without ever really having a guarantee of an answer— but continuing to ask regardless. And I, like so many others, admire that determination.

#random commentary #sarah text archive #blue period

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djinnandtea · 1 year ago

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When I was in high school, I stumbled across an artist that really grabbed my attention and held onto it tightly. His work was gorgeous and fantastical and gory and also more than a little…salacious. All things that teenaged me love. This artist’s name was Luis Royo, and his works often involved some variation of beautiful, thin, light-skinned, half-naked women looking moody and forlorn covered in blood or boning some buff dude in some dystopian wasteland of a universe. But sometimes, Royo’s women didn’t settle for boning random men. Sometimes they preferred something a little more…inhuman. Yeah, baby, I’m talking about monsters.

Now, eventually I stopped buying Luis Royo’s books. I don’t remember why—I mean, I don’t even remember how I started buying them in the first place considering all of my mail was routed through my mother, because again, this was high school—but I stopped. But that didn’t mean that I also stopped thinking about ladies banging monsters. That never stopped. I didn’t have a vocabulary for this interest. I didn’t know what it was called, I didn’t know if other people liked it. I was consuming Royo’s work on my own and forcing it on my high school friends who were considerably less interested in the monster stuff than I was. So I kind of learned to just keep it quiet. But the interest certainly didn’t go away.

As I got older and started to explore different types of art and media and ways of telling stories, I found myself continuously drawn to some version of humans and inhumans connecting, falling in love, getting it on. Sometimes that looked like a really intense vampire phase and an appreciation for all things Anne Rice and Twilight and Sookie Stackhouse. Sometimes that looked like a really deep interest in folklore that involved humans marrying animal brides and bridegrooms. Sometimes it looked like a fixation with the movies of Guillermo Del Toro. And sometimes that looked like accepting there was probably a strange and unconventional reason that Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie growing up.

I mean. Did y’all see the beast?

It wasn’t until late 2022 that all the dots started connecting. I had decided I wanted to read more, specifically more romance. I added some BookTok accounts to my TikTok feed. I started talking more about romance books with a friend. I started exploring the world of spicy adult paranormal romance and joining Kindle Unlimited, which was very exciting all on its own. And that’s when I found it, my holy grail: the book subgenre known as monster romance. You know that saying, “All roads lead to Rome”? It was kind of like that, except all the roads I took lead to the city of monsterfucking. Monsterfucking was my Roman Empire, if you will. And what a glorious empire it was.

As I’ve engaged more directly and consistently with the monster romance genre, it’s inspired a lot of thoughts for me. That’s why I’ve started this blog, because I can’t stop thinking about fucking monsters, and I want to explore the idea in a lot of different ways. For today, I want to talk a bit about why I think monster romance holds so much appeal for me and for the many others who enjoy it. That seems like as good a starting point as any.

When I was thinking about this question, one of the first things that came to mind was a blog post I read a number of years ago that never really left my head. It was written by Cleolinda Jones over on Livejournal. If you’re an older millennial viewer, Cleolinda’s name might sound familiar, as she’s the author of some very funny movie recaps she called “Movies in 15 Minutes,” which was my introduction to her. But Cleolinda is also known for her Twilight recaps that she posted to her LJ account. These recaps fused a summary of the books with her own observations, and man, her observations were good.

In Cleolinda’s recap for the first Twilight novel, she gets into why she thinks the series has had the success that it’s had. She specifically talks about how she feels Twilight is just an extension of the “good girls wanting a bad boy” trope.

I actually don't think girls like a guy who treats them bad. But I do think they--we--get off a little on the idea of changing someone for the better, or the idea of having the power that someone loves us so much that he'll change or sacrifice something for us….A nice guy doesn't need to change, and, most importantly, he's already nice to everyone. How do you know that you're special if he treats everyone else with as much kindness and respect as he treats you? The "bad boy" type, though? He may range from simple, garden-variety jackhole…to appalling psychopath…, but you know he loves you because he's completely different around you. You are an exception to his very nature….That's the fantasy.

Now, I’m not saying every male lead in a monster romance is a jerk, because a lot of them aren’t. (Don’t worry, Sol, I’d never let anyone accuse you of being mean.) But I do think by virtue of these monsters being, well, monsters, there’s a given understanding by readers that a human should not be fucking one. Monsters are predators, monsters are dangerous, monsters are not made for cuddles and smooches. But these monsters in these books? Especially the ones who are a little rougher around the edges? Seeing them soften for their human partners is deeply satisfying and scratches the exact kind of itch that I think Cleolinda is referencing.

But long before Cleolinda was musing on bad boys, writer and literary critic Hélène Cixous was posing something related in her essay “Love of the Wolf.” This essay has a number of interesting things to say on the tension between love and fear, using the metaphor of loving “the wolf,” aka loving a thing that can harm or destroy us, to make her point. Cixous writes about the thrill of fear when in love, and suggests that we must have that true fear to experience true love.

But happiness is when a real wolf suddenly refrains from eating us. The lamb’s burst of laughter comes when it’s about to be devoured, and then, at the last second, is not eaten. Hallelujah comes to mind. To have almost been eaten yet not to have been eaten: that is the triumph of life. But you’ve got to have the two instants, just before the teeth and just after, you’ve got to hear the jaws coming down on nothing for there to be jubilation. Even the wolf is surprised. (Stigmata, pg. 77)

It’s the idea, once more, of the person that we care about changing their very nature to be with us. The bad boy will treat us with kindness. The big bad wolf won’t eat us. The monster will love us tenderly. We humans are special, something to be cherished, even by something traditionally seen as negatively as monsters have been.

It makes me think too about the popularity of dark romance on BookTok and Bookstagram. Monster romance is kind of like dark romance taken to a different sort of extreme. In dark romance, there is often a baseline threat of violence or a disregard of consent. The male leads are often cruel, unpredictable, and inconsiderate. Their love of the other character drives them to stalk or kill or harm others, and even to be deeply, toxically controlling and possessive of the main character. And this is why folks like them. These are the real bad boys, and I mean the really bad boys, that Cleolinda’s talking about. And with the monsters in monster romances, there can be a lot of overlap. The monsters can be cruel and controlling for sure, but even when they aren’t, their very existence as monsters makes them a super unconventional choice for a human person. If the mafia boyfriend with anger issues who you know you should avoid is appealing, than the entirely different species with claws and fangs and a tail who you’re really not supposed to want to bone is that appeal taken about three steps further.

At some point I’d like to explore the different sorts of monster romance book covers that are popular with authors and artists, because I think they get at the last topic I wanted to touch on today when it comes to the appeal of monsterloving: aesthetics. Size kink can be fun in every genre, but monster romances really understood that particular assignment. The monsters in these books are massive in every possible area. Their muscles are chiseled, their tails are long, and their eggplants are otherworldy. Not to mention, a monster may even have more than one.

There’s also the contrast of furry or scale-covered monster bodies embracing soft, fragile human bodies. Monster bodies are foreign and unique; they’re a fantasy that can’t be found anywhere else, which makes the fantasy inherently more interesting. There’s a lot more that can and should be said here about the gender dynamics at play in the design of these monstrous figures and their human partners, and even possibly the racial dynamics too, but for now I just want us thinking about how the physical depiction of monsters and humans together holds an undeniable appeal to a large number of people. I’m thinking again about Luis Royo and the success of his art that explored this very thing. And that’s really interesting to me.

I’ll stop there for today, I think. See you in the next post!

Currently Reading: Devoured by Monsters - Katie May & Ann Denton

Monster Joke for the Road: What was the dramatic monster’s favorite play?

Romeo and Ghouliet.

Until next time, monsterfuckers.

#teratophillia #terato #monsterfucker #monster lover #monster romance #my posts #art #luis royo #helene cixous #monrom

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