cafrinn

[cafrinn]

embracing the feminine 12/13/24

i don't think i'm outlandish in stating that living as a woman its a consistent battle between you and the world. all women on the planet are familiar with the tornado that spirals in your head when thinking of how you play your role as a woman. who am i meant to be? how do i fit in enough to be desirable in society without sacrificing who i am as a person? am i anything more than just a woman? do i need to be? what can i do to become the best version of myself? why is this the prescription for being the ideal woman?

i can do my hair in 45 million different styles, calculate which outfits suite my body type, do my makeup in just the right way that makes me intriguing to others. all of this plus the million other things that are told to us in the woman's bible of existing. i walk into the world as the best version of myself everyday. i always try to look put together and exude the message that i have mastered how to be the perfect woman. even with all of this, i come home, take off this skin, and i ponder if i really am what i put into the world. is it all a lie? who do i do this for? yes it makes me feel amazing to look great, i think self care and effort in appearances is extremely important. on the other hand, who told me that this was the right way to be a woman? why is it that when i stray from the formula that i have created for myself to be a "divine feminine character" i feel so gross. i'm sure i'm not alone in this feeling. the one you get when your hair doesn't look right, your outfit makes you look "frumpy", your nails look a bit beaten, you did't have enough time to do good enough makeup, etc etc etc. to me, it feels dirty. to go out in public in a slight disarray appearance wise.

all this to say, what is the meaning of being a perfect woman? i'm not sure anyone has a clear cut answer to this. i'm sure that someone with a doctor in sociology can logistically pinpoint all of the characteristics society has been good for a woman to embody. that isn't what i am trying to get at. how does one feel comfortable in their gender identity without it feeling preformative? isn't that was gender is anyways? a societal construct in which we perform the play that the world has given to you based on the genitalia you were born with?

the debate of gender is one that i've thought about a lot in my time on earth. as someone in the LGBTQ+ community who has habitually inhibited online spaces designated for those in said community since i could navigate the online plane, i'm not stranger to discourse on gender. feminist spaces that say being a woman in this world is too confining. spaces in which gender non-conforming people share their stories in which the feminine was not something that spoke to them. this among many things has led deep introspection in my mind, mainly when i was a bit younger. i deliberated my own gender for quite some time. am i comfortable with being a woman? would i be happier if i was non-binary or trans? i dabbled in a more androgynous way of dressing for experimental sake. i was so convinced that i did not have what it took to be a good woman. i wasn't really like the other girls around me. i felt like i didn't read the guidebook on how to be a woman. maybe it was a lack of a connection with my mother. maybe it was just a fault in my identity. who knows? regardless I spent so much time wondering how I could be a good woman. one that men desire and women envy.

through all of this pondering, i decided that i did in fact enjoy being a woman, i just didn't know how to enjoy it. I spent my time looking at countless sources of media and how they pictured women. how their bodies looked. how they did their hair and nails. did reading on what men like. what women like. i studied the art of womanhood so intensely. trying to analyze all of the characteristics i needed to embody to feel good about myself. I learned and i implemented step by step. red nail theory, how to speak to men, how to do my makeup, what my body should look like and the steps in which i needed to achieve that look. after a certain point, everyone around me was convinced that i was one of the people i once envied. a good woman. i even saw my peers envy me. what a sight. still, i didn't feel like a good woman. i was lusted after by countless men and women always told me how pretty i was but it didn't feel right. there was something missing.

at times i still do think that there is something missing. when all of my makeup is off and i look in the mirror i wonder if i am doing a good job as a woman. there is something that has helped me with this. this being, tapping into not only the physical manifestation of womanhood, but the spiritual one. anyone can pull off the looks and act the way they think they should, but not many people truly know what it is to delve into the feminine spirit. i think that me being a wlw helped me with this. being able to see such beauty in the raw state of womanhood. the softness and the strength.

i wish i could give a guidebook on how to become more spiritually feminine in order to feel secure as a woman in the world but i simply cannot. i have a pinterest board full of feminine infographics and affirmations but beyond that i cannot. it's about tapping into yourself and noticing what feminine trait you have and how they serve you. i like to do uterus minded yoga and mediation at times but i can see how it seems a bit outlandish. the prescription to being a perfect woman is seeing the woman within yourself, battered around by societal expectations and molded into something she may not be, and loving her unconditionally. giving her the space to bloom and flourish. doing yoga to show love to your feminine frame. tapping into what being in a feminine energy feels like to you and doing everything to protect that nourish that blissful state of being. I feel most feminine and wonderful when i do put that effort into my appearance, being able to express my femininity, but that may not be what makes you feel most feminine.

i don't think anyone has mastered the art of being a perfect woman, but i do know that embracing the woman inside of yourself is as close to perfect as you can get.

[cafrinn]

intro 12/2/24

hello! i am cafrin (funny way of spelling my name which i have recently become fond of). I created this blog in order to express some of my personal thoughts and opinions. I enjoy writing think pieces and I think having a place to share them would be beneficial.

I feel like I should give an intro to who I am for those who may potentially come across my work. to get to know me. maybe psychoanalyze why I think the way I do. maybe just to feel closer to me. idfk bruh. anywayssssss

I am a woman in my 20's (sigh). learning to navigate this time has been quite interesting. in order to put an ease to some of my current battles, i wanted a hobby and i've always wanted to blog. i'd like to think that my opinion matters to someone out there, maybe its even interesting. I study philosophy which has lead me to the aspiration of becoming a philosopher. will I ever be one? who knows. a girl can only dream. i think that's part of the reason I want to start this blog. every well known writer has to start somewhere right? i am puerto rican, which may come up. i am very proud of where i come from and i think it plays a big role in my identity. i do have one of those puerto rican flags you can put on your rearview mirror afterall. stereotypical i know. what else.... uhhhhh. i deal with a fair share of mental issues that i don't feel like entirely disclosing but i think the background i have gained from dealing with them influences my perspective on the world. some things I enjoy are; yoga, emergency intercom (and their respective careers/content), sleeping, fashion, weight lifting, monkeys, feminist theory, and buddhist philosophy. I can name more things if I thought harder but i dont feel like it. i also used to be very in-tune with astrology (virgo sun, taurus moon, aqua rising). there's the potential for a million and more things to write but then again there's always the potential for a million and more things in any situation. I'll leave it at this for now. hopefully you'll get to know me through my posts. until then, I hope you find peace in something around you in the near future. thank you for reading.

xoxo, cafrin