#its making me a little anxious
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my sweet old man who is genuinely too kind for the world he lives in :(
#decadentart#bloodborne#retired hunter djura#he makes me so sick hes actually so fucking sweet when i think about it#Yes i gave her a skirt. whenever i draw the people of old yharnam i slways give tbem little accesories :)#the colors are a bit wonky because i intially drew it Reeaaalllyy Dark also idk i picked out some weird ass colors for the pallete#every time you shoot him off that tower an angel looses its wings#legimitately got upset when i killed him for his set#made sure he didnt fall to his death though. thats called bullying when you knock him off btw#also yeah i hc that the beasts are chill w him . and slso he knows all of their names#first maintagged art on this blog. shudders. i hope the fans dont eat me alive im serious you guys scare me#the halo was necessary btw#so anxious…. SEND IT! RAHHH!!! MY AUTISM BLAST GO!
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stavrovensky childhood meeting
#during the one time stepan met w his own son during his childhood bc lord knows stepan was always following varvara around#petenka being the most anxious terrified little child ever makes me so insane what happened#and the way hes SO DIFFERENT from how he was described as being a sweet and scared kid#to being like. gaslight gatekeep girlboss manwhore manipulate manslaughter extraordinaire#its the trauma response#stavrovensky#pyotr stepanovich verkhovensky#nikolai vsevolodovich stavrogin#demons dostoevsky#the possessed#devils dostoevksy#бесы#my art#it also makes me so crazy every day to think about how stepan literally helped raise nikolai#when like. completely ignored his own son LOL#and probably only helped w nikolai anyways bc he was varvaras#hate his ass so much jfc
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for day 9 and 26 of @jeguluskinktoberr <3
#hp#jegulus#marauders#jegulus fanart#regulus black#james potter#james x regulus#regulus x james#jegulus kinktober#james potter fanart#regulus black fanart#Marauders fanart#Mine#My art#*#i repurposed james room from the crop top james drawing#did actually write text on the letters this time tho#very anxious about posting this one for so so many reasons#i need to get this whole stress behind me so i can actually draw again and be happy with it cause atm its just making me feel vaguely awful#also funfact on the side#the james and sirius polaroid in the back says bffiueufazewp because i love my best friend and this is a little nod to her
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getting all of the banter dialogue for dorian and bull so they can be a couple in dai is so... ugh. there is some genuinely wonderful stuff to explore in their dynamic, with iron bull abandoning the qun and dorian leaving tevinter and what it means to have done that and finding themselves as people, but. christ. the fetishization and oversexualization of the qunari in da is fucking hair tearingly painful, and it is at its most obvious with iron bull and dorian. really hoping that something changes for the taash romance, but i am,, kind of doubtful.
#dai#dragon age#dragon age inquisition#not really sure what to tag this as. because i DO enjoy adoribull. i DO. but holy fuck.#uhhh i guess i'll tag characters. again i like adoribull this isnt anti-adoribull but it is me clenching my fist and scowling#dorian pavus#iron bull#the iron bull#its not Just them. its how iron bull is written in general. its how the qunari are so widely percieved to be animalistic and hulking and#violent. its even sera's little comments on specifically finding qunari women attractive because of their physical traits of being#big and muscle-y. and then the tamassrans and how the qunari dress. its not just One#of these things. but its all of them added up together that makes it uncomfortable.#not even including the rest of the mess of the qun and how fucked that is. bioware has fucked up so bad with how they present the qunari an#even the elves. its so. ugh.#ignore me im complaining#bioware-critical#i guess#also generally anxious on how theyre going to handle taash being (spoiler) but i'll wait to give more thoughts on that
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babpy.
#pizza tower#peppino#arts#mine#happy pride; heres a little otter for u#hes like very early 20s here#happy and unbothered before the Horrors happened#it is NOT his 30s bc he needs to exude raw dilf energy by that point#but for now he is anxious and sweet and awkward#not that i dont draw him like that already but its like 10x here#its PALPABLE#okay mwah i will hopefully come back w more than just sketches that mean nothing skjfsdjkfdhfhsk#i have LITERALLY been on this commission for WEEKS i need someone to take me out back and put me out of my misery i swear#im going to finish the lines TODAY like i cant be this person i cant keep coming back to this fucking comm w no progress ill simply Die#its like singlehandedly preventing me from doing anything else; its making a mental block waaaaaaaau#but i feel like i am breaking through it today. at least i HOPE i am sdkjfsdjkfjsdkf#um if u are still here ilu. send me some anons; i want to be chatty but the messages i have feel like i need to respond w essays#and i literally. cannot.#at least until i get my head screwed on properly again
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i haint watched the dang chibisode and idk if ill actually watch it with sound on sdfjk but i have a hurt feeling about them casually imbuing perry with speech for a one off gag because the idea that he needs to talk to communicate is fake. we had 4 seasons of wacky magic hijinks cartoon where perry never needed verbal speech to communicate. they couldve done this gag at any point in the show but they didn't, and the fact that they didn't felt significant. perry's muteness is such a core part of his character, to me, to the way i conceive of him/write him. i don't wanna overreact to a goofy little side cartoon (even tho i'm doing it anyway) but it's still the characters, and it still upsets me! ok that's it i've said my piece
#ill watch it at some point but despite my silence i have been like obsessively anxious about this cartoon#and pestered my friend to watch it for me sDFJKL#in a month this will have either ruined pnf for me forever or i'll have changed my mind and i like it actually its fine#for now anyway i have tons of comic sketches about perry's muteness that i no longer wanna finish and share...maybe someday but not now#i had a rly great day actually but now im falling asleep in bed tipsy and a little teary over this. cuz i love perry a lot he's#really special to me. i also got that star wars perry shirt in the mail today btw. and. it's such a good pj shirt#but back on topic#it sucks when an aspect of a character that is CORE to your appreciation of them becomes casually disregarded by the writers at some point#like im certainly not ever accepting an interpretation of perry like 'secretly hed really like to be able to talk' because its#never ever been communicated. like the idea that heinz wd prefer if perry was human. its just not in the show. the opposite is true in fact#so im left feeling stupid for caring about something that some writers(inc. dan) felt was unimportant. makes me not wanna continue my art#which sux cuz i like my comic ideas! id love to finish them. i hope i get over this.#i overreact to live-updating media when im fixated on it wh is why i prefer getting into dead fandoms haha#but they keep on bringing them back to life dont they...im never safe#it was funny me trying to explain to my friend why i efel so strongly about this meanwhile hes tried to explain why he feels so strongly ab#ut AYA and my stance on that episode has always just been “cute! its fine” lmao#@ dwampy you guys made the show that follows a specific rhythm and set of rules designed to appeal to obsessive autistic brained people ok#you invited my overreaction. unsheathes katana etc#ok im goint to sleep#meta
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maybe if i just put these screenshots together youll understand why i think their relationship just Works so well as it pertains to the characters and themes of S4 in general
neither of them know what theyre doing, but theyre figuring it out Together. the old ways are dead. and together theyll build a new future thats worth fighting for
#twdg#violentine#clems “i dont know” paired with violets “lets figure it out together”. screaming crying throwing up#clem never knew what she was doing!! she was just trying her best!! and now shes tired as SHIT!!! she wants a break 😭!!!#vi helps take that weight off by supporting her as much as she does (which is A LOT!! and clem supports her in return. they grow together)#that bit in the woods where instead of getting grossed out by the guts vi crouches down to ajs level and keeps the situation calm#and she looks up to clem and gives her a little smile. and clem just relaxes and smiles back !! DO YOU UNDERSTAND !!!#clem being anxious about her reaction. violet putting her at ease. clem getting to Relax for 2 seconds. they help each other CHILL 😭#ALSO why their walk home talking about ericson and renaming it and imagining what they could add to it is just so good narratively#they turned that prison into their HOME!! a place worth fighting for!!!#tenn wanting to help rebuild. vi saying Everyone will :') its a home for ALL OF THEM 😭 its about the COMMUNITY !!!#this is also why i think the friends route still works but theres just even more Juice with the romance. even ignoring minnie#violets “you better not disappear on me”. friended clems “ok” to romanced clems “i promise”#in a season about building a home and a family that second one just hits harder you know? and like above with the learning to dance#i just feel like their romantic relationship specifically fits into the overall themes of the game the strongest and elevates it#me talking at the wall (tumblr drafts)#all of my friends who have played twdg are too normie so i gotta make posts like this instead. or i'll die#wont somebody analyze narrative with me#it speaks
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started stardew valley for the first time. born to remember villager likes and dislikes forced to immediately forget it the moment i take my eyes off thw wiki
#HELP. HEEEELPP <- THE FORGETTER#i have 18 different tabs open and im pretty sure half of them are duplicates. i have not made anything past 5000G i am so cooked#rn im at summer 11 ish?? i cant remember dates in real life either jesus christ GRIPPING THE COMMUNITY CALENDAR WITH MY BARE HANDS#my ass really went into this like “ill just take it easy and go into it blind so i get the newborn baby deer experience" completely ignoran#to the fact that i get anxious disappointing ppl and not having any background knowledge going into smth new. like a FOOL#also the walking speed is just slow enough to make me space out and forget where i was going and what i needed to do head in my hands#ive had to backtrack all over pelican town so many different times im in fucking adhd hell. resource management hell#im saying this like i hate it but its actually pretty fun and engaging when im not gripping my head trying to remember what i was doing#i got linus' 2 heart event and it made me whimper a little. LINUSSS LINUS I LIKE HIM. AND WILLY AND MARNIE THEYRE SO NICEYS#marnie kinda like.. reminds me of my friends mom even her face is pretty similar. shes sweet i like her. also willy calls me lad hes cool#i think im just gonna start a new save and NOT rely on the fucking mixed seed forages bc my ass was too stubborn to buy seeds#i just got sebastians 2 heart event too ughhh ive never had to work so hard for an emo boys approval. but it was satisfying#corn will fix me. its a replenishable summer-fall crop corn has to fucking fix me PLEASE#i also. made a stardew valley farmer. the one im playing as. their name is cosmo they have a backstory and everything im making#him a ref. his backstory is so fucking funny just wait#yapping#diary#puppy plays sdv
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one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it
#theres no peace#every little thing reminds me we are poor#seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time#im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly#the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job#and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support#and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money#because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live#its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin#time#cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for#sorry for the ranting i cant sleep#truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin#more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful#i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it#i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things#spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income#not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it
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i dont think i made his hair big enough honestly
#i have a speech outline for one of my classes due in a couple days and im very stressed#ive been freaking myself out over that class a lot more recently. like#getting so anxious i feel like im going to vomit right before presenting#im usually able to reason myself out of panicking like that but it totally got me last time….. i guess i just lost my grip a little#aaahhhgh#ill get over it#anyways i dont draw curly hair enough. i need to do it more often#iv e been thinking about sho a lot recently (translation: obsession phase)#im making a stageplay shou post at some point soon. i want to really bad#specifically reigen&shou… its important to me#its very. i cant even make a keysmash accurate enough for me right now#mew is moody everybody RUN#mob psycho 100#mp100#sho suzuki#shou suzuki#doodles#meowmeow art#mob psycho fanart
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heart-pounding immersive bocchi cinema solo trip experience 1-page report
#art jumpscare#bocchi#bocchi the rock!#ぼっち・ざ・ろっく#true story#my art#this is probably a little too illuminating about me LOL#the only reason the backpack didn’t match is because its an insanely powerful one#that can carry infinite amounts of stuff comfortably#i remembered thinking ‘woah…i don’t believe that 20 year guarantee but it’s kinda funny’#its been 18 so far#so often i sacrifice a totally matching bag for this rugged heavy duty bad boy#especially if I’m carrying around clothes or big containers of food#which I totally was#i actually googled it beforehand to check the length#but the results only showed ONE movie…#it took me googling for a second movie WHILE IT WAS PLAYING to notice#I saw the long runtime but it seemed short for two movies#and longer stated run times are often put down to make sure stuff runs smoothly#so I checked but didn’t think I was incorrect or anything mdknfdfkdf#they usually tell you VERY CLEARLY if it’s a double feature#usually double features actually cost waaaay more#and they have 15 minute breaks#so who knows what happened here#what matters is the pizza was delicious and it was a fun experience!#i may be as anxious as bocchi but i like doing things solo although id prefer it with friends most days#I haven’t seen my friends in a long time and some of them never#hopefully one day I can change that
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. . .
#i dont really know what to say on here at all#anybodys welcome to come to me to talk if they need to but im just#im just so exhausted#ive been sick on and off for over a week but i cant use too much sick time because#ill run out of time to see my parents later this year#and i cant just not go because i need to keep my health insurance#now that i have more than one chronic illness#theres wild shit going on at our house thats making me paranoid and anxious of someone stalking us#or trying to hurt my roommate#and now. this#its so selfish to make it about me and truly it isnt#im worried for my baby coworker who came out to me as trans#and how shell live the next four years#im worried about everyone whose been in my inbox every g/f/m i keep track of#im afraid for my friends. im afraid Of a few of my coworkers now that i know#but mostly im just. so fucking tired#im so tired#and im so sorry#was it so silly to be a little hopeful#and not even hopeful for a good outcome. i know we dont have those. just not This one#rowan chatter#tbd
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Praying that randos on the street don't just wander into our home for this open house. I feel like I'm being totally paranoid, but the idea of inviting complete strangers into my dwelling, plus advertising our address on multiple websites with times on when they're just allowed to waltz in is so utterly unthinkably scary to me.
I've lived through having to do showings while living in a place, but an open house is so...inconsiderate.
#dreading this so much#i already put all my little collectables/toys away in case people bring their kids#which they will do b/c idk people love to let their children run wild and free during viewings#which is FINE if the place is vacant#but i was a kid once#i stole little things all the time#so so so so soooo anxious#its maddening#plus they want to do another showing the next day b/c someone can't make it to the open house#like happy long weekend 2 me i guess
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I have so many varied and fun WIPs I could work on but my brain continues to scream “BE WEIRD ABOUT CHILDBIRTH! SURELY YOU WON’T WEIRD ANYONE OUT IF YOU KEEP WRITING ABOUT CHILDBIRTH!” and I’d like it to sTOP
#I HAVE TOKOPHOBIA CHILDBIRTH AND PREGNANCY IN GENERAL REPULSE ME#(not to be confused with ‘I find it repulsive’ — its natural and plenty of people find it beautiful and more power to ‘em! me personally…)#BUT I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT MARIO RUSHING TO HIS WIFE’S BEDSIDE AND FRANTICALLY TRYING TO HELP HER RELAX#WHEN IN FACT SHE IS ALREADY RELAXED AND HE NEEDS BREATHING EXERCISES MORE THAN SHE DOES#AND THE MENTAL AND PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION THEY BOTH UNDERGO AS THE HOURS TICK BY AND THE PAIN GETS WORSE#PEACH HURTING AND ANXIOUS AND FRANKLY KINDA TERRIFIED BUT BLINDLY LEANING ON AND TRUSTING HER HUSBAND WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT#AND OF COURSE HE REFUSES TO LET HER DOWN BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE’S FRAZZLED HE’S NOT GOING TO LET HER GO THROUGH THIS ALONE#AND AND AND#PEACH TREMBLING AND WEEPING IN RELIEF WHEN SHE’S HANDED HER LITTLE GIRL AND FEELS HER TAKE HER FIRST BREATHS AND HEARS HER FIRST CRIES#MARIO PEPPERING HER FACE IN KISSES AND JUST REPEATING ‘brava! brava! brava!’ BECAUSE HIS WIFE IS SO STRONG AND SO INCREDIBLE#AND IT DOESN’T REALLY HIT HIM UNTIL THEIR BABY’S ALL CLEANED AND SWADDLED AND HE’S HOLDING HER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND HE JUST#STARTS FUCKING BAWLING#AND WHISPERING TO HER IN HIS NATIVE TONGUE ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER AND HOW HE’S SO HAPPY TO MEET HER AND HE’S GONNA PROTECT HER#THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH! THE FIRST SLEEPLESS HOURS AND DAYS! NAVIGATING IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT BRINGS THEM EVEN CLOSER#WHY AM I LIKE THIS#I SEE PREGNANT BELLIES OR NEWBORN BABIES IRL AND I’M LIKE ‘🤢’#BUT WHEN IT’S MY OTPS I AM LITERALLY OBSESSED#WHY#MAKE IT MAKE SENSE 😭😭😭
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squish ramble
this probably isn't gonna make much sense bc I'm kinda sleepy but I just. I love them so fucking much. we just called for like an hour an a half and for those moments everything else disappeared. all the stress, all the worries, it all seems so much lighter just because I know I have them in my life and we can talk about anything. that feeling of complete ease and comfort when we're together, even if it's over a patchy phone signal, there's nothing else in the world that could replace it. the feeling of being seen and heard and understood entirely, the knowledge that we have each other and we're going to be okay. I know we're still young, but I hope we have this for the rest of our lives. I think as long as I have them, everything else will be alright. I love them and I love loving them, it's the best feeling in the world <3
#I wish I could take away all of your worries#but at least we have each other to lean on#it's the way I've been looking forward to the call all day. the way I could talk to you for hours about everything and nothing#the way being in your presence leaves me with this warm glow in my chest that makes everything a little softer#the way you give me courage to keep going and the way you calm my over anxious brain#(these days I imagine the moment I get to see you again constantly. whenever things get rough I imagine seeing your smile again#and being enveloped in your hug. not that I'd ever admit it though)#I think its the small moments of confirmation that get to me the most actually#when you said it was fantastic talking to me#or when you said you missed me too and your voice got soft#or your excitement when we plan our life together next year#those small moments of 'oh <3'#I know you're not *in love* with me back but in those moments I think maybe you love me. sometimes I think that's better <3#like yes I want a qpr and sometimes I want more#but if we have and love each other in whatever way we can I think that's more important#and I know for a fact I'm the luckiest person in the world to have this :)#god I love you#the future scares me sometimes but for now? I'm basking in your glow and that's all I need#I absolutely cannot wait to see you again. final stretch now!!#queerplatonic yearning hours#cosmo rambles#queerplatonic#aroace#aromantic#platonic love#loving hours
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Hello! I'm here with ~another~ text post!
I unfortunately had assumed "ah yes, The Anxiety" has been my problem recently but in fact, no. It was The Depression! (or a combo, super likely!) Due to this, I will be taking a brief mental break from posting art here. The break may be three days, might be a week. Truly a mystery even to me.
I will be drawing daily so when I return I should have multiple pictures to show off which I will separate in posts by fandom. Drawing really helps calm me down unless I get to the point where it feels like a performance obligation which it currently feels like.
I appreciate your patience and I hope to be okay enough to be back soon.
(also, my ask box on this blog has been disabled until I return)
#moe talks a lot#not art#i feel like a take like some random mental health week every year but hey it helps take pressure off#and if i dont have to worry about pleasing everyone then i start to doodle more - at least in the past#sorry for all my anxious tags yesterday i just kinda like uh#dont have the energy to do much except think so my thoughts kinda spiral outta control and zone in#on like one silly little topic and one silly little comment ive gotten in the past#and if you follow me on twitch and see me start streaming yeah thats to get a social aspect in shhh#i like streaming doodles and it really relaxes me which means i might stream a fair amount while i recover#tfw you try to treat Your Anxiety with medication and it doesnt really work bc its not anxiety issues#but its a med that makes you mellow so then your depressed and mellow yeah thats been me lately oops
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