#its like 4 am i am actually dead
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Nightly Texas Toast for the soul
#tf2#tf2 fanart#i really domt wanna tag this bc im so skeeoy but whatever#team fortress 2#team fortress 2 fanart#tf2 Pyro#tf2 pyro fanart#tf2 engineer#tf2 engineer fanart#engineer tf2#pyro tf2#TEXAS TOAST#its like 4 am i am actually dead#goodnight#i love platonic texas toast#engiepyro#jei poopy art
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danny and officer martinez's relationship in "late at night, when the nightingale sings" in a nutshell:
Martinez: FREAK! GET YOUR FUCKING KID!
Battinson, on the other side of the crime scene: he don't bite
Martinez, with Nightingale firmly attached his arm, visibly biting him: YES HE DO!
*points at them* Danny is the Bugs Bunny to Martinez's Elmer Fudd.
Another Officer: i can't believe you're fighting with an actual twelve year old. Martinez: i swear to god that is not a twelve year old, that is a little hellion that crawled out of batman's shadow one dark and stormy night and decided to dedicate his existence to tormenting me. Officer: Are you really that mad about him putting a sticky note on your back-- Martinez: thats not the point
in danny's defense: the word "freak" is. a mini beserker button for him for.... obvious ghostly reasons, so like, even if its not directed at him, he still very much unappreciates Martinez's insults at Battinson. Danny may or may not be projecting.
he's not going to hurt the guy! not in any serious or permanently disfiguring way at least! But he is going to leave mean sticky notes on the square part of his spine that he can't reach, and stick salt in his 3AM Late Night Crime Scene Coffee, and kick the bottom of his heel while he's walking so he stumbles. And other petty, infuriating things that tally up and boil over, over time.
#dpxdc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#blood blossom au#dpxdc memes#dpxdc au#the only thing martinez is right about is the fact that danny is. in fact. NOT twelve.#he's just shrimpy because he's half-dead#there's eventually a 'martinez vs nightingale' board in the precinct called the beef board. it tallies every time one of them gets got by#the other. danny is currently in the lead by a wide margin. martinez is very limited in what he can do bc of multiple reasons. but one#of them is the fact that batman HAS punched a cop before. three actually. and he won't hesitate to punch another if martinez actually did#anything to harm nightingale. and also nightingale shows up so rarely and doesnt stick around long enough for martinez to retaliate#or properly plan ahead. its kinda a wild card whether or not nightingale pops up on the scene.#nightingale: i am just a little guy!! the littlest of boy!! baddabing-baddaboom! you wouldn't do nothin to a little guy would'ya?#battinson who atp knows full well that if it werent for the blood blossom danny could turn martinez into a red smear: *would you?*#danny: if it werent for the laws of this land i would have committed acts of violence against You Specifically :)#and also like. every single other officer insulting batman and callin him a freak. they're not safe either martinez is just the poor sucker#that i have a name to give the face to#danny's a good kid but also i don't picture him totally.. hm... mentally stable? he's a little spicy. as a treat.#he's kind at his core but also he found his family's corpses and was isolated from society for 4 months by his abusive godfather and was#poisoned with quite literally the only toxin capable of destroying him entirely and can no longer (currently) use his powers without dying#instantly. so he's! he's doing his best! like between being chaotic and being kind he's def gonna choose being kind but also.#he's living on borrowed time and is in a constant active state of being slowly eaten alive by his own bloodstream. it weighs on ya psyche#danny's barely even processed his family's death and now he's got all this other trauma stacked on top to address. he is Windows EXP rn#tormenting martinez is just. an itty bitty way he can let loose some of the stress he's ignoring.#considering danny's alternate timeline was: world annihilation. he thinks he's doing pretty well all things considered
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cw for suggestive humor🙏 . . . . . . . . . .
today, i bring you more funnies. tomorrow? who knows.
#suggestive#should i tag this as nsfw?? idk if its serious enough 4 that#im not used to like. actually tagging shit and giving warnings. but i gained like a handful of followers in the past week and i just#dont wanna upset anyone#so im trying my best#intrulogical#dukeciet#logince#mociet#also its not in this post. but i need you to understand#that i am the biggest dlampr shipper on the planet#i just need everyone to know that#if dlampr has a million fans i am one. if dlampr has 100 fans i am one. if dlampr has 1 fan it is me#if dlampr has no fans i am dead#if the world is against dlampr i am against the world#these bitches GAY. good for them.#sanders sides#tss#ts sides#sasi#sasi art#sanders sides art#tss fanart#remus sanders#logan sanders#patton sanders#janus sanders#roman sanders#virgil sanders#my art
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analysing vance hopper because he lives in my head 24/7 !
tw for like. literally everything the black phone covers!!!!!!
also there's some special effects gore rather far down in the post idk just i feel like i should warn you just in case
okay so before anyones like "but bee!!!! he only had 6 minutes of screen time in a 102 minute long movie!!!!! he was only on screen for 5.8% of the movie!!!!!" and to that i say i Know it was a real tragedy so a lot of this will be built on personal interpretation and subtext and stuff said behind the scenes and whatnot
so firstly i wanna rot about what his childhood/upbringing might've been like..... i havent quite decided on something definitive but i think we can take one look at his character and realise that is glaringly obvious he had a bad childhood, in one interview the actor that plays him (brady hepner) says "the background i had set up for vance is that the reason he was the way he was is his home life was fairly difficult, you know maybe his dad was either not there for him or he wasn't supportive, maybe he was fairly abusive, and so that creates a hair trigger sense of rage in vance" hair trigger meaning his patience is literally as thin as a strand of hair it does Not take a lot for him to snap
there more to it after that which i'll get into soon but yea thats the gist of it it's clear he had absent/neglectful/abusive parents and that would certainly contribute to why he's so angry all the time, maybe acting so explosive was the only way to get his parents' attention, either good or bad, so he just internalised that. obviously rage and anger issues like vance's lead to violence (not in all cases but in his case it does) and i think a neglectful and abusive upbringing would obviously expose him to more violence than a normal childhood would, therefore normalising it and desensitising him to it, whether he's seeing it play out in his own home and/or on television or something like that (because i doubt his parents would be the kind to monitor what content he's viewing)
i feel like he has little control over his life and that only adds to his anger, which in his case leads to a fight when his buttons are pushed too many times. i think he probably takes great pride in being the toughest in town and whatnot and winning fights and being perceived as strong and scary is good to him and helps him regain control/power, something he doesnt have at home. the rest of the quote from the interview i mentioned earlier states "this pinball machine could have been the only thing that he has in his heart that's like, good, like 'holy cow i did this, i set the score,' so when someone comes along and messes it up for him, it takes away the only thing that he has. i think that that's when he switches to a 'now you're gonna pay for that'"
similar to what i said about fighting, the pinball machine and his high score is something he has control over and its an important part of his reputation/image like. hes literally pinball vance ! and the whole thing about that high score being the "only thing he has in his heart that's good" implies that hes. well. pretty shit at everything else, which is pretty much canon if you remember that gwen said vance was held back twice in school. makes me think that while he's not the brightest in school he's certainly street smart
moving onto ermmmmm him getting kidnapped era because im sure youre wondering "well bee if he's so street smart then why did he get kidnapped" so may i raise two theories (this is. literally all i got and its not even concrete, me and my friend gray (@staggersz) tried to figure out how this could even happen and this is the most plausible thing we've got. so shoutout to him real quick he has had to deal with me being unnormal about vance for like a year and a half thanks king couldnt have done all this without my rotting buddy)
so either he got taken by surprise (most likely option) or vance's trust was gained first via getting given quarters at the pinball machine and small talk and shit like that but this is unlikely because i feel like it'd take a loooooong time for someone like vance to trust a some random stranger adult man when he clearly has issues with trusting and respecting people older than him and people with authority (e.g. cops, his parents, or school officials) so yea being taken by surprise would probably be the most realistic option, i always see people on tiktok being like "how did the grabber kidnap vance hes so strong!!!!" dude its a 15 year old boy against like. a 45 year old man who's already claimed two lives its really not gonna be a fair fight here
before i get into the next part i wanna quickly address a theory i absolutely Hate and it is so easily disproven and that is the theory that vance is the grabber's son or is related to him in some other way and i see it Far too often on tiktok and i HATE it. from what ive seen this all stems from his dream sequence where he kicks open the fence to albert's house and, presumably, goes inside after being dropped off by the police after the grab n go fight. idk if some people just straight up didnt realise this but clearly in real life he is going to his Own House??? in the dream it's only albert's house because this is how he chooses to show gwen the house she's trying to find her brother in, the house that he himself was killed in??? i hate the theory i hate it sm
the dream sequence itself is interesting though as the ghosts seem to only be able to conjure up what theyve seen in real life (like how bruce can picture the outside of the house and show that to gwen but the house number is all flipped and not right beause he doesnt know it) so vance being able to picture the house and the number and the gate and every detail would imply that hes seen it before, but im going to explain that away as either he got out once before like with finney's failed escape attempt, or the house is most likely on the route he walks to school or the grab n go or something and he hasnt actually been there prior to being kidnapped
mini rant over now onto being kidnapped i guess, so i used the missing posters to try and estimate a timeline of how long each ghost boy would've been in the basement for (although the missing posters are notoriously unreliable for details such as looks/height/age/etc, the dates seem to all line up). so we know the order is griffin, billy, vance, bruce, robin, finney, right?? if we use the poster date then billy was taken on may 4th, 1976, a month and two days after griffin was taken (april 2nd 1976). vance was taken on september 23rd 1977, almost a full year later (stay with me im going somewhere with this), and after that bruce was taken on july 18th 1978, again almost a full year later
its established in the movie that the grabber stalks his victims before he takes them (canon because we literally see the van watching finney and gwen as they walk home from school early on in the movie) but we dont know how long he does this for since griffin/billy and robin/finney were taken such short distances apart and then the others were taken such long distances apart, also it's possible he could stalk his next victim while the previous one is still alive, etc etc lots of confusing factors, but if i've done the maths right then the absolute maximum time vance could've spent down there is 9 months and 25 days, or 298 days, so erm . let that sink in !
howeverrrr in the movie gwen states that vance went missing "last spring" and september is definitely not in spring, meaning he could've been down there for a year or even longer. an explanation or excuse i could think of for the movie and the missing poster saying different things (other than the missing posters being known for some areas being wildly inaccurate) is that maybe he was taken in spring but wasnt labelled as officially missing until september, when he was properly linked to griffin and billy's similar disappearances and the mysterious grabber? i can imagine it'd be very easy for law enforcement, especially in the 70s, to dismiss someone like vance as a runaway until they get solid evidence that he was taken. idk though thats just my personal excuse / angsty headcanon for the difference in information
not sure what exactly killed him but we do hear from vance himself that "he took his time with me" so it was probably blood loss from a variety of injuries, if we look at him in his ghost scenes we can see his hair is absolutely covered in blood which indicates head injury, he clearly has a broken nose and bruising around his eyes as a result of it, he has these deep cuts on his abdomen area (apologies for the image quality but i believe they're like. sfx pieces you would wear under clothing)
and he also has just like. minor bruising (like the fingerprints on his arm) and other random blood splatters on his face and neck (assuming the blood down his neck comes from wherever he was bleeding on his head) so Yeah overall very unpleasant way to die obviously
okay now the part thats actually in the movie and it only took me 13 paragraphs to get here: vance as a ghost!! first thing i wanna point out is appearance wise i just want to say that when he's a ghost he's missing his choker and that fact Pains me. anyway personality-wise i feel like being violently murdered has, understandably, kicked his rage up to like. the highest level it could possibly go. he's insanely snarky and downright rude to finney on the phone, showing no empathy to the fact that finney is literally in the exact situation he was in
i feel like the whole "this is the nightmare end of your pathetic little life" and "if you knew what you had coming, you'd be fucking terrified" thing is definitely to scare finney on purpose and to get him to do something, vance might as well have just told him he's never going home cuz thats how it came across LMAOO, it is startling though because vance is clearly speaking from experience, that he was literally fucking terrified, and he is warning finney in his own weird way
the thing i think sets vance apart from the other ghosts is that while he does help finney, he does it for a different reason than they do. the other ghosts want finney to escape, to get out, to be free, to live, but personally i dont think vance cares about that. the only thing he wants is for albert shaw to be dead, for someone to seek vengeance, to do what vance couldn't. vance doesn't care if it's bruce or robin or finney or whatever boy could've come after that, he doesnt care as long as that man gets what he deserves after what he put vance through, and i see this through the scene at the end of vance's call where finney thanks him for his help and vance says, and i quote, "helping you? this isn't about you, fuck him! and apologies for being repetitive but to me it just literally proves that to vance, this isnt about finney or his escape, its just about revenge
we dont get to find out what happens to the ghosts once the credits have rolled, and i dont think we quite know enough about tbp's version of ghosts to guess what theyre up to, but i have a few theories :3 maybe theyre no longer bound to those two houses and they can now go anywhere they want in town? or maybe since their shared goal of stopping albert has been achieved, the ghosts can finally pass on to whatever is waiting for them next. i dont think vance would be content to pass on that quickly or easily as anger lingers, but i hope he'd be able to let go of it eventually, and hey we might find out in the sequel. i pray it mentions him cuz i will just die if it doesnt
sometimes, ok thats a lie, frequently i think about an au where he survived or escaped or whatever but ohhhh boy this post is already a train wreck so that au would deserve its own essay of a post :3 if u actually genuinely read this far then Wtf thanks for reading the ramblings of an absolute madman, only pure delusion could get like 20 paragraphs about a guy with 6 minutes screentime but hey thats how i roll, thanks again to my pal gray for letting me rot and thank u to my other pal ana for also enduring all this rot
hope u enjoyed my interpretation of vance hopper im going to crawl in a hole now and probably brainrot some more, thanks again for ur time :3
#the black phone#tbp#tbp vance#vance hopper#character analysis#i literally rotted my entire brain for this one#normally i hate when ppl tag characters in a post that isnt really about them im gonna tag the other characters cuz i do mention them quite#a few times so apologies to ppl that are fans of anyone that isnt vance this post is Vance Centric#tbp robin#robin arellano#tbp finney#finney blake#tbp griffin#griffin stagg#tbp billy#billy showalter#tbp bruce#bruce yamada#tbp gwen#gwen blake#the grabber#albert shaw#the black phone 2022#i am the number 1 vance hopper fan and this proves it#if vance has 100 fans im one of them. if vance has 10 fans im one of them. if vance has 1 fan its me. if vance has no fans im dead.#sorry to everyone that followed me for total drama content i have an absolute disease for this movie and this guy#back to regularly scheduled content soon trust#not expecting this to do numbers cuz theres actually only like 4 tbp fans on earth but had to let two years worth#of absolute brainrot for this movie that has like. barely any merch and only the slightest scraps of fan content#i stayed up all night writing this
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since maintenance has (i think) officially started . . .
MAY ALL MUALANI WANTERS BE MUALANI HAVERS !!!
MAY ALL KAZUHA WANTERS BE KAZUHA HAVERS !!!
MAY ALL KACHINA WANTERS BE KACHINA HAVERS !!!
MAY ALL KINICH WANTERS BE KINICH HAVERS !!!
MAY ALL RAIDEN WANTERS BE RAIDEN HAVERS !!!
GOOD LUCK ON UR PULLS AND HAPPY 5.0 + HAPPY NATLAN + HAPPY 4TH ANNIVERSARY EVERYONE 🫶🫶
#just genshin <3#goodbye fontaine u were the goat o7#capitano capitano capitano....#but yea personally i dont think ill be rolling for anyone other than mavuika bc archon and ayato whenever his rerun is#(<- u have avoided me enough... its time to come home....)#capitano is a maybe depending on playstyle#same with ororon and chasca but for them its playstyle + also if i like them enough#but either way i need to stay strong for dain my beloved.... we are officially in the secon to last region#and then next thing we know he is playable and i have no pulls 🧍♀️#SO !! i will be saving for him unless there are charas that i /really/ want 🫡#okay now i will be sleeping bc its 11 pm and i wanna actually not feel dead when i wake up at like 4 or 5 am :D
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my sense of urgency for this election was all used up watching a genocide play out live on instagram while my mom continued to talk about which politician might make the housing market better and i tried not to genuinely lose my mind over the dissonance. in all honesty short of bombs dropping on americans' houses my adrenal glands are beyond checked out. i'll show up to the polls and do my part and try to plug into the bare bones direct action i can find in the middle of nowhere deep red county state but god. there are so many posts circulating trying to fear monger me into voting for one genocidal president of this genocidal nation over another and i may as well live on a different planet. i can fathom the urgency but i could not make myself feel it short of being held at gunpoint. which may even be on the ballot but that's how americans have been voting for decades now and each of them regardless of party has worried about the idea of being held at gunpoint while a right of theirs is taken away while there are people who are already being held at gunpoint and their rights have already been taken away by the very people being beamed into my eyeballs as the escape from this hypothetical violence that's already non-hypothetically happened to millions who aren't US liberals because of the america they're trying to save from trump the same america regardless of democrats or republicans or whigs or federalists and does anyone else feel like they're going crazy
#j.txt#2024 elections#cannot imagine how american palestinians are feeling#it's genuinely... like i felt honest to god insane watching the boots on the ground journalists over there every day for like 4 months#and then going to work 5 days a week like any of this fucking matters#like nothing about this election can compare in my psyche to that like i'm not even trying to compare them but my brain like#changed shapes this year. and its shape now does not include a sense of urgency about fucking dollhouse barbie american politics after#experiencing all that. last year early this year#i still think about gaza every day but i'm privileged enough to have burned out obsessively getting updated every day#the ocean we swim in said this is normal now. israel committing genocide w our dollars is normal now#it's the same shit with the pandemic and i don't buy into it but the dissonance of the entire world around me spinning on that axis#while mine spins on a completely different one where thousands of people we could have saved are dead now#like sorry that is genuinely insane. i feel like my mind will actually break if i think about it for too long#it's a worldwide gaslight and it's Unfathomable that these political issues in my world#where thousands are dead. is not on my mom's political radar whatsoever like she's thinking about jesus and the housing market#like those thousands upon thousands of lives were never even REAL#i feel like i'm going crazy man it's so fucking ridiculous how am i supposed to take politics seriously with that split#like i know how and i still do but. can anyone here me it's just#it's genuinely a gaslight to think about it too long like i will feel like my reality is splintering
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bad astrology by flower face
#yellowjackets#jackieshauna#ITS DONE OMG ITS FINISHED#what do I do now. with my life (ranking)#also ive decided i am gonna do literary analysis. on all of em#literally i have NO idea if anyone cares. well. i do bc I care and tbh that's enough to me#<- guys look im living so healthy#anyways this was a blast#hope somebody has at least discovered flower face trhu me bc its one of my fav artists#mitos incredible life#mine art tag#also im sorry the like long scenes 3 and 4 arent on beat :/ i love that song but it has so long instrumental stuff and idk what to do there#ALSO!! i had it all planned out like at least half in my docs (like always)#and then in the middle i was like 'omg what if I only show jackie-after-the-argument and shauna-after-jackies-dead'#(excluding the argument and the flashbacks (they used to hear us thru the floor))#which was. restricting. very much#also meaning was changed (originally wanted jackie to have the line 'idc if ure not made for me' but the only scene i could think of was th#ure hungry for and that was the next scene already so.)#anyways this was originally gonna be lottienat before i started with The Shark In Your Water#bc I thiught it fit them SO well. (still do) but now I like have to get away from the jackieshauna thought and then ill do the lottienat#probably#omg also I want everyone (who has read this far. whoever would do that) to know i was running on like 25 screen#recordings and 3 jackieshauna scene packs form yt#that's why. I dknt have that many clips alright im not using like 10 scenes over n over on purpose#gotta go but im gonna make a wrap post thingy once im back slay#no actually I get like average 7 notes (<- that's a lie Idk bc I didnt count) but im proud of myself this is amazing#ive wanted to do smth similiar alr#but it was some album by alec benjamin and a different thing for every song (like a poem‚ a painting or a play)#but I lost motivation this is the first thing that i actually pulled though all the way I think#jackieshauna: The Shark In Your Water
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it kind of weirds me out when two people who abused lloyd (morro and harumi) are getting more recognized/hc'ed and addressed as his family than the actual one (ninjas, wu or HIS PARENTS). it's okay to make au where they didn't abuse lloyd or whatever but then you just write a new character.
#blockable#rant#not only that but HAR_MI getting headcanoned as SISTER when she emotionally abused him and manipulated him and BROUGHT HIS FATHER BACK FROM#THE DEAD???? HEY GUYS. HOW DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THAT.#i think it's okay to make au where rumi or mrr aren't villains. but you just don't write them as seen in canon. like mrr isn't redeemable.#lloyd still remembers him and it fucke dhim up so bad#ninjago#the new character thing is about morro btw. id o lime how the fandom write him and actually give him something to be#but then go and say that morro is one of the best villains when he has a personality of a wet rag is weird#this post and tags derailed fro the main theme fuck#its 4 am idc
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SCIENCE HOMEWORK I HATE YOU WHY😭😭💔💔💔
#im doing everything BUT NOT MY FUCKING SCIENCE HOMEWORK#i hate my science teacher#she said shed be moving some people next lesson WHILE LOOKING AT ME AND MY FRIENDS DEAD IN THE EYES#AND GUESS WHAT???#WE WERE MOVED TO THE 4 CORNERS OF THE CLASSROOM LIKE WHAT THE FUCK#i predicted that btw i believe i am genius#me and my friend are now doing made up sign language to communicate from across the classroom#what our teacher didnt account for was that me and my friend can see each other PERFECTLY and no one is in the way so slay#ALSO SHE GAVE US SO MUCH HW#ITS DUE TMR BUT HONESTLY ILL TAKE THE DETENTION MY GOD I HATE THIS#i understand like HALF of the things on this fucking booklet😭😭#im too lazy to actually write the shit i know though💔💔#sighhhh#jorge rivera herrans save me💔💔#epic is my newest hyperfixation btw :3#ANYWAYS!#i have science EVERY FUCKING DAY I HATE IT SO MUCH💔💔#my teacher is out for MY BLOOD#but i fear i cooked last lesson so who cares anymore (i don't remember shit anymore) (bad memory)#this is just pure yap st this point#im stalling chat💔💔#OKAY ILL GO DO MY SCIENCE HW (i wont🫶)#kadens yap session
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shitty post finale milo and Scott doodle from last night when I really should not have been awake lol. Milo is a sappy and he needs to get as many of those new pet names rolling as possible. Mans got raised from the dead and immediately decided this was the first order of business and I love that for him.
#wcsmp milo#wcsmp#smajor#hourspost#hoursart#y'all have no idea how actually obsessed i am with Milo the guy gets raised from the dead his husband starts trying to be like#i have committed atrocities you have been dead for 4 years i have refused to mourn and i do dark magic and am not morally sound#and he goes damn aight im kinda hungry lets go eat and also i cant call you sunshine cus your goth now so ig i need new pet names#AND THEN JUST GOES LIKE HE GETS RAISED AND JUST IMMEDIATLY IS BACK AT IT#its the question of has it not fully set it for him what has happened is he willfully ignorant#from his pov he described going into the lake to get their dog he may as well just be waking up from a nap#i expect some drowning trauma 100% because thats is one of the most horrifying ways to go tbh but i think thats getting repressed#like i dont think he fully grasps the trauma of everything until its immediatly affecting him thats my hc#his body doesnt trust water and it makes drinking things hard even when he knows better mentally#anyways enough blabbing i have better art i could be posting rip
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invent love (invent the river)
Neil is the sort to go looking for his friends, and, by proxy, Todd. Neil is the sort to go looking for Todd. It’s a strange realization, being looked for. Being wanted around.
Five different moments spent at the bridge.
Inspired by this scene.
#ok . hello#yes its almost 4 am What about it .#idek why i make these posts . thank u to the two other ppl awake rn#unless its not 4 am which would make sense . ok what am i even saying#on to the actual . fic promo#this part is always embarrassing if ur readingthese pls look away#umm ok#todd anderson#he goes first bc its his pov :-)#neil perry#anderperry#anderperry fic#ummm#dead poets society#dead poets fandom#i cant think of anymore .#hrm .#anyway#if u read these Thank you . if u didnt then . well ok why am i writing anything here for the ppl that didnt#thats like putting on a lightshow for people who cant see#ok . no more stupid tags#tomorrow . i become normal and reply to asks and texts Trust .#these tags r getting way too long oh my god ok ENOUGH#goodNIGHT and GOODBYE#magic
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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ive been deemed ouppie i suppose???????
#is this because of my insane late night rambles#somehow i expected cryptid#but i guess the people of tumblr dont know that i spend the hours of 1-4 am sitting on the kitchen floor blasting the heathers soundtrack#i did have a wolf obsession briefly actually#i really like wolves theyre sososo cool#i never got over it i just found out its apparently cringe to know everything about wolves#cringe culture is dead though#so fuck it wolves are cool#someone else said fae and. idk but that might check out
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every single day i log onto this app with hannibal on the brain is one day closer to my inevitably 5k word essay on the similarities and differences between zenoswol & hannigram. these are not at all related but they are both part of my special interests so they are now
#sonething something mutual destruction & love through violence & affection/hatred &-#but also something about how zenos assumes a lot which hannibal tends to leave up to will. statements & questions. therapist & enemy.#the difference in setting. the all of it. i am going insane thinking about this and i am alone jn this#its the autism.#it is 4 am i have exams tomorrow i should not still be awake but im THINKING. AGAIN.#also the way hannigram definitely affected the way i viewed zenos like. in general#aromanticism also factors into this#i like exploring my own psychology its like pretending to feel my emotions by being aware of them#surviving things they shouldnt?? doing things that in a normal person relationship would be absolutely horrible???#(idk whether hijacking someones body to kill their friends or trying to saw someones head open is worse)#(but neither of those things really seem like a healthy thing to do)#the whole 'idk what this emotion is so im killing you' vibe. 'try to kill me you are the first and only one i want to die to'#theyre like cats bringing home dead mice. i dont want ur dead mouse but i know you do it out of love so thanks man. pls stop tho#also one of my ocs (tma oc actually) served the end & sacrificed those they loved to it.#killing as a form of love. not a mercy kill (tho ive used that as well!) but just.#fucked up little guys who believe that killing someone is the ultimate show of love. who cannot see past the violence#oughhhhh#i miss my tma oc they were cool i should go back to them
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when you tell them what your name means and they go "that's interesting, if you were [white ethnic group] your name would mean this instead."
I’m a broken record at this point but people messing up your name and not caring is absolutely a racialised experience. no one expects people to know how to pronounce names they’ve never heard before the first time they see them, but it’s an issue when they don’t care about getting it right at all (when, in contrast, people are generally very apologetic when they screw up white people’s names and they generally correct the error). there’s a generalised disrespect and disregard for the names of nonwhite people, especially if those names are non-European (which occurs interpersonally but also shows itself in discussions of public and historical figures). ask any given person of colour (including ones with European or Europeanised names) and they could probably write you a dissertation about how their name is responded to and how those responses are clearly calling on racialised scripts. no one here is upset over nothing.
#deadass had someone try to mansplain to me what MY OWN NAME means#and i will NEVER let it go#its honestly CRIMINAL#literally tried to be like “actually according to latin your name means this”#ACTUALLY my name isnt latin and even if it WAS i took 4 years of latin#i am in an educational society for people who can read and translate classic latin#i have transcribed caesar's personal journals#i studied catullus in his original language#and you want to tell ME the meaning of my name according to those dead white men??????#shut the hell uP!!!!!!!!!#i had teachers avoid and intentionally mispronounce my name#when i pointed out that my name follows basic phonetic english learned in the FIRST GRADE they STILL wouldnt correct themselves#there is nothing on earth like the audacity of a white person
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