#its late at night and my tired i might delete this once i wake up

[angelic-enj0lras]

"Enjolras and Cosette as siblings/twins hc makes no sense in canon, cosette dosnt even have blond hair- "

[wonderlandhatter]

Angelic in my clothes.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x femReader

Summary: Spencer knew a lot about a lot of thing and topics, but he doesn't know a lot about relationships, but you help him understand them.

Word count: 3400

Warnings: none, just a whole lot of fluff, itsy tinny bit of angst for like half a paragraph.

Prompt 4: “Why do you like stealing my clothes so much?"

A/N: ok but this was supposed to be a short little blurb, oops. anyways thanks for the request I hope this is ok, pls tell me if it wasn't what you'd imagined or feel free to send in another request.

A/N2: My old account got deleted so I'm just reposting my fics I would appreciate if you could bust this so i could get back to where my account was thank you for your time.

Taglist: @pinkdiamond1016  

Spencer did not like not knowing, he knew he was smart, and he knew a lot about different topics, one topic he didn’t know a lot about though were relationships. He wasn’t very experienced with them and there’s only so much you can learn from books and Derek honestly wasn’t a great insight.

Since you two had started dating he had begun to understand some of these thigs, one of which he understood fairly quickly. Which was why couples loved cuddling so much, he had never been a person that expressed affection through touch because it made him uncomfortable, and you were very understanding of this and waited for him to be comfortable and took baby steps. The first time you properly cuddled was while watching doctor who on his couch, and you fell asleep lying there with him, all the statistic and worries  about germs left his head, they were the last thing  in his head at that moment, they had been drowned by the beauty of your sleeping form, for another time in this relationship you had taken all his thoughts out of his head and you were the only thing that mattered. Emily was truly right, a pretty girl and his IQ is slashed to nothing, but you weren’t just any pretty girl you were the single most wonderful person he had ever met and he didn’t care about his IQ slashing, you were all that mattered mattered now.

And then he knew why people liked it, it was comforting and the most wonderful feeling in the world, hearing your cute little snores, that you flat out deny even exist, and seeing your hand keep a tight hold of his shirt. He liked holding you, it made him feel close to you in a more intimate way. That’s when he knew for sure he loved you, and he said it, you subconsciously smiled in your sleep at those words but had no knowledge of them when you woke up, but he didn’t care he would say them to you soon enough and he wasn’t sure but you would say them back with no hesitation.

Another thing he now understood about relationships was how good it felt to have someone to come home to, someone who you trust with your whole heart and who you can tell anything too, someone you love.

He understood this quite early into the relationship, you had been dating for a little over two months, you hadn’t had many dates because of his work but you talked on the phone all the time, and you were friends before for a while so it felt longer than it had actually been, but at the same time not long enough he wished you had met a long time before, but you’re together now and he wouldn’t waste any more time with you.

He understood this one night/very early morning after a case. He had missed you so much, the case was long, tiring and incredibly tough. He didn’t say anything, but you could hear it in his voice how tired and how mentally and physically exhausted he was. The truth is the victims looked a lot like you, the victimology fit you too perfectly for his comfort and it scared him, the thought of the unsub going after you terrified him, he couldn’t stand it so as soon as he got on the jet he called you, he just needed to hear you, to make sure you were still there alive and well, he however hadn’t realised how late it was until he heard a very groggy hello.

“Oh no Y/N I didn’t notice how late it is for you, I can call you when you wake up, I’m sorry I’ll let you go back to sleep” but just before he hung up you rushed out a response. “wait, no Spence wait a second, I want to talk to you”, you were definitely awake now,  “are you sure, its ok if you want to sleep, it is very late and you had a long work shift and”, “Spencer, of course I want to talk to you, I missed you” he smiled at this and before he could reply  you said something again, more quietly than before “I missed the sound of your voice Spencer”, god he loved you so much “I missed the sound of your voice too”, you sat there in comfortable silence relishing in the sound of each other’s breathing letting your words dance in the air.

After a minute you spoke again “how was the case”, Spencer sighed remembering the victims and your shared resemblance, “it was fine”, you knew it wasn’t “spencer talk to me I can tell it wasn’t”, how could you tell from just his voice.

“Well it was, agh it was just a lot, I don’t want to talk about murders though I missed you, can you just talk to me I want to hear your voice”. You didn’t push him any further with it, you knew he would talk to you if he needed to. “ok love, well………..” you talked for around an hour nothing of massive importance just pointless chit chat, but to him it was the most heavenly sound in the entire world, he was however fighting sleep from taking over, he didn’t want to stop talking to you, he felt like he needed you right now. He snapped back when he heard you calling his name “spencer…. Spence…. Love!!” “oh yeah, yeah I’m here, sorry what did you say”, “I’m going to hang up your falling asleep, I’ll talk to you later ok” “no I want to keep talking, I’m wide awake”, “Spencer I can hear your exhaustion its fine, go to sleep, I’ll go to sleep and we can talk later ok love”, he let the words sit for a  minute before sighing “ok, bye bug, I’ll talk to you later, we are landing soon so I’ll call you then, ok bug?”, “ok love sleep well”.

And with that the two of you hung up, and even though he missed hearing your voice he was exhausted and sleep over took him, you however did not sleep you got out of bed, and made your way to your door and put shoes on, you were going to go see him, you didn’t bother to put clothes on he had seen you in pjs before, you were wearing sweats and one of his Cal-tech crew necks stylishly matched with lilac crocs, wow you were hot.

You were now making your way to his apartment, it was about a half hour drive, it took a little longer since you had decided to drink some coffee before leaving so you didn’t fall asleep at the wheel. You knew he needed somebody right now, you didn’t know why but you didn’t need to you could hear it  when he first called you almost in a panic to hear you, plus you missed each other.

You arrived at his apartment and used your spare key to get in, once you were in you made your way to his kitchen to turn the kettle on to make some tea while you waited  for him. He texted you while you made your tea that they had landed and was on his way home, you chose to send him a text  saying “I’m waiting for you at yours <3” , you didn’t think it would be smart to surprise him and scare an FBI agent.

Spencer made his way home quitter than he usually would after he saw your message, he didn’t bother replying just rushed there as soon as Hotch said they could go home. He’d never been in such a rush to get home after a case, sure he was always happy to go home and sleep but this felt different this felt like a scratch he hadn't been able to itch and once he could see you he would feel the relief.

Once he got to his apartment building he ran up the multitude of stair until he got to his floor, he might have had to take a couple brakes between stairs but what can he say, he isn’t used to doing the physical stuff on the field, Morgan normally takes care of that.

As soon as he got to the door, he stood there for a minute to calm down his breathing before putting the keys in and unlocking the door. He stepped in and your sent engulfed him in the most comforting way, as soon as that scent reached him, he could physically feel himself intense.

He took his shoes off and placed them beside your discarded crocs with a quiet laugh at your ridiculous shoe choice, he then hung up his satchel with his blazer, and walked to his room assuming you’d be there but on his way there he stopped at the sound of cute little snores and saw you sitting on his couch with a half empty cup of tea on the side table and a book laid open on your chest, he should have known you would try to stay up for him.

He kneels in front of you and leaned in to place a kiss on your forehead, you slowly opened your eyes as you were only in a light sleep. Once you could make out the blob of colour in front of you to be your boyfriend you smiled and wrapped your arms around him nearly knocking you both backwards onto the floor before he stabilised you both. "Spencer, I missed you" you said nuzzling your face into his neck. "I missed you too bug, so much" he said closing his eyes and holding you tight to him.

You stayed there, just like that enjoying each other for a minute before you heard him sniffling, “Spencer are you ok love", "I... I just... I just really needed to see you, and feel you, I needed to know you were still here" before you could reply he spoke again tears clear in his voice "thank you so much for coming here tonight", "Spencer look at me", he reluctantly looked at you tears streaming down his face, you wiped his tears with your thumbs while holding his face gently "any time you need me, I will be there for you ok. I don’t care if you just finished a case and its an ungodly time just call me and I'll be here ok, I miss you to when you’re gone  and I love being with you, when I heard your voice over the phone I knew something wasn’t right and I needed to take that away, even if it's just for a little bit. You never need to thank me for being here for you ok" he decided the best way to reply, the best way to get all the words he needed to say to you was by kissing you, and so he did and you knew exactly what he meant by the kiss you understood every unsaid word that travelled through his lips to you.

It didn’t take long after that for Spencer to tell you why he was so upset and why he needed to see you so desperately, and you understood and held him and he felt safe. After you talked and held each other it was unspokenly decided you would spend the night, you went straight to bed while Spencer took a quick shower, if you could call it that he was in such a rush to get back to you he barely got wet. He got dried and dressed and then excited his bathroom to find you curled up on his bed, he loved the sight, it made all his worries from previously wash away, you had that effect on him, you seemed to be a source of good, and he loved it.

He got into bed and as soon as he got under the covers you were reaching for him, he welcomed the touch and held you back. So there lying with you he understood, while the worries of the past week washed away, he knew, he knew why people liked having someone to come home to so much. And he knew he would have to ask you to move in sooner than later.

At this point in your relationship spencer had come to understand many things, but there was still one he didn’t. He didn’t know why you enjoyed wearing his clothes so much, he wasn’t complaining not at all in fact he loved it when you wore them. It was a slightly possessive thing, he knew you were his and he was yours but when he saw you wearing his clothes it was just a visual reminder that you were in fact his and only his, but that’s why he loved it, so he didn’t know why you did, but boy was it irritating him.

You two had been living together for the past 5 months and it had been amazing, he had also seen a lot more of you in his clothes, as time went by he saw you sleep in his shirts and boxers many times, you were especially fond of his old Cal-tech sweatshirt and button ups. He loves you wearing them it’s one of his favourite looks on you, when you’re comfortable and cosy and simply adorable in the articles of clothing that are too big for you.

But if he’s being honest a very close second is when in the mornings after you have ‘exercised’ the previous night, when he wakes up to the smell of bacon and coffee and sees you in nothing but a pair of cotton panties and the button up he had discarded the previous night, he loved coming up behind you in those mornings and slipping his arms around your waist and holding you while whispering sweet nonsense to each other.

They had just gotten back from a case. It hadn't been long or a particularly hard one but boy did he miss you, he always did, he thanked whoever it was for it being a Friday night because it meant he would arrive home to you. In no time he was at the door of your shared apartment, you had both decided moving into his would be the best choice since it was bigger.

He opened the door and almost immediately heard your sock clad feet hitting the floor of your apartment, he quickly hung up his coat and satchel before opening his arms and catching his girlfriend in his arms "I missed you so much Spence" he laughed lightly in response and replied "I missed you too bug, it was only a week" you pulled away from the hug and leaned your forehead against his before whispering "a week without feeling you" he smiled at that and leaned in lighting bumping your noses together before connecting your lips together, god he’d never get tired of kissing you, it honestly felt like heaven.

You gasped into the kiss and pulled away abruptly, Spencer looked confused but you had the biggest smile on your face and all of a sudden he didn’t care you  broke of the kiss, “what was that for?” he asked feign hurt, “I made something” you said sheepishly rocking back and forth on your heels, “what did you make?” spencer asked imitating your tone. “come and see” you replied excitedly while pulling him into the kitchen.

Once in the kitchen you very excitedly showed Spencer the cupcakes you had made, “I baked cupcake” you announced while placing him in front of said cupcakes, Spencer went to reach for one when you slapped his hand “no Spencer I still need to put the icing on them”, “but they look so good” he pouted giving you puppy eyes, “oh, you’re cute when you pout” you leaned in and when you were only a breath away from kissing his lips you spoke “but still no” and with that you kissed his pout and pulled away, you made your way to the counter were you were putting the icing into piping bags and piped up saying “but you can help me ice them and then you can eat one”, “can I only eat one?”, you turned back smiling and handed him one of the piping bags “you can have as many as you want love”.

You were currently both icing cupcakes in comfortable silence, Spencer had noticed you were wearing his Cal-tech crew neck and a pair of cotton shorts along with a mismatched pair of his socks, you looked adorable, he loved that you wore mismatched socks like him even before you’d met, the fact you were sporting his at the moment was just the cherry on top.

And so he thought no would be as great a time as any to ask “Hey love can I ask you something”, without looking up from what you were doing you hummed in agreement, you were concentrating so hard on making the cupcake look perfect you just barely registered what he said, god he thought you looked so cute when you concentrated  so hard you had your tongue sticking out the side of your mouth.

He shook himself out of the trance you put him in and just asked "Why do you like stealing my clothes so much?", you looked up at his question with a worried expression on your face, you didn’t realise it could bother him, you never meant make him uncomfortable, should you have asked for permission before you took them?, Spencer saw your concerned expression and was going to clarify he didn’t mind when you rushed out first, “Spencer I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I should have asked I’m so sorry, oh god I’m wearing your clothes now I’ll go change”.

You put the piping bag down and passed Spencer when you were about to leave the kitchen but Spencer gently pulled your arm and pulled you into a hug, “Y/N, love, you just spiralled,” he pulled back from the hug and gently held your face in his hands, he could still see the sad and worried expression on your face and he hated that he had caused it, and needed to take it away, “I love that you steal my clothes, I absolutely adore seeing you swamped in my crewnecks and wearing my socks and specially in my button ups after certain events have taken place” he smirked at the blush that crept up your cheeks at the last part of his statement, he loved your shyness, “believe me I love it when you steal my clothes, you look angelic in them I just want to know why you like it, I know its dumb but I just can’t figure it out and not knowing is really bugging me”.

You smiled at this and all your previous worries washed away, you weren’t making him uncomfortable he was just being his usual curious self, you slid your hands up his chest and played with the collar of his shirt as his hands moved from your face you your waist and you began “well there’s a lot of reasons I like wearing your clothes, for one they’re really big on me so they are soooo comfy, they also smell like you so they remind me of you when you’re gone on cases”, he smiled at this and you looked down before continuing “and when you’re gone and I’m scared something will happen and I won’t see you again, it comforts me, it makes feel close to you when I can’t be” you looked up at him when you finished and he could see the glossiness in your eyes of the tears forming from your memories of all the times you were scared you wouldn’t see him again and he gave you a sad smile while he wiped a stray tear falling down your check.

“Honestly, they just make me feel warm and loved, when you’re gone”, his eyes were now glossed over too as he leaned in and kissed you, “I love you bug”, “I love you Spencer”.

And now Spencer knew, he knew why having a crew neck of his meant so much to you and how it could bring you comfort in a time when you needed it most.

[study-coffee-chicago]

Stars on your Sleeve (Part 2) [A Jay Halstead Imagine]

A/N: The name of the girl is Y/N (I mostly write my imagines in second person POV...except for the one you guys might see in a few weeks) and cariña is just a nickname/term of endearment in Spanish that means sweetheart. Sorry if anyone got confused about that in part one!

"Dad," you started as you walked into Jay's office after school that day.

It was a Thursday and you had taken the bus from school to the district. It wasn't often that you did this, but you had gotten texts from both your mom and dad telling you that the current case was going to drag on and on tonight, so they wanted you at the district so that you wouldn't be home alone until two or three o'clock in the morning.

"Hi, cariña. How was your day? Learn anything interesting in school?"

"Dad," you groaned. "It's high school, half the stuff they teach me I won't ever use again."

"Well, excuse me for wanting to know about my daughter's day."

"Just can't wait for this week to be over to sleep in."

"You and me both, kid."

"Half the time you work weekends though, Dad," you pointed out.

"Comes with the sergeant title."

"And your sleeping in is like 7:00."

"Point taken. Now, did Mom pack you a few extra snacks or do you need some money for the vending machines?"

"She didn't--"

"Don't even finish that sentence, young lady," Hailey said as she burst into Jay's office. "I packed you a few extra things and you know it. You just want--"

"--Oreos," Jay and Hailey said at the same time.

"Hey, don't blame me! They taste good," you protested. "Anyway, Dad, can I use your laptop to do my homework?"

"Don't you have that school-issued one?"

"That one blocks Netflix."

Jay crossed his arms across his chest. "Homework, huh?"

"I'm just writing a paper. It's not like I'm doing math or reading something."

"What type of paper?" Hailey asked. "Because, I'm pretty sure that if it's a research paper, you need to focus."

"It's a narrative, so I don't need to be constantly focused, Mom."

"Makayla does the same thing," Adam said as he entered the office as well. "Let the kid have the laptop, Jay."

"Thanks, Adam."

"Uh," Jay groaned, "I guess."

"We also have a lead, so you wanna roll out after I give you the info?" Adam asked.

"Yeah. Sorry, Y/N, you need to go into the breakroom now."

"But why can't I stay in here?" you whined. "I want your spinny chair."

"Y/N, this is a case," your mom told you. "You know the rules: no being around the case talk. It's for your own good, we don't want to scar or scare you."

Mom, you know what I've seen, you wanted to tell her, but you knew it would be no use as your parents would never budge on this rule.

"I know, Mom."

Jay pulled his laptop from his desk along with the charger. "Rules?" he probed, holding onto the laptop and charger.

"Dad, I know the rules. Mom, c'mon, tell him."

"It's your dad's laptop, Y/N. I'm not arguing with you or him on this one."

Jay cocked his head to the side. "I'll give you the laptop after you tell me the rules...even though I know you know them."

You sighed. You went through this every time you used his laptop when he was going to be gone. "Only use my account, don't try to login to your account, and do not delete my search history."

"Here you go." He handed you his laptop and charger. "Good luck on your paper. Don't work too hard."

You went into the breakroom and opened the laptop. First, you pulled up Netflix, and then you pulled up your paper. It was your paper for your senior portfolio, which most people were putting off, seeing as you were only a freshman, you didn't need to work on it yet. But, you knew it had to be long, so starting it now would probably be helpful.

The paper was basically a narrative telling a story about each year of school. The stories had to be from two to five pages long, which meant that the paper in its entirety would be between 26 and 65 pages long. But, you didn't mind. It's not like you had to write a boring research paper. You also had to write about your career goals and one wish for your future as well, which would make the paper even longer still.

Seeing as your schooling didn't exactly match up with the American school system until you were around nine and in third grade, you had gotten permission from your teacher to just write about the sections of kindergarten, first, and second grade, as just memories from when you were six, seven, and eight years old.

You'd save the memories of six and seven for later, since you'd have to dig into the part of your brain where you were in the orphanage with your older sister, Illiana.

For now, you just scribbled down a few lines for ideas of when you were eight years old...which was pretty simple since a lot happened in your life that year.

***

"Y/N, we brought you some food if you--"

"Shut up!" Mouse hissed as the rest of the unit clambered up the stairs and into the bullpen. "She's sleeping."

Yes, when Mouse came home he returned to his job as the tech analyst of the Intelligence Unit. And, when Jay became sergeant, he pulled a few strings and got him a huge salary increase.

"I'll pull the car around front," Hailey offered.

"No," Jay whined. "That means I gotta be the bad guy and wake her up."

"Sorry, babe. I call dibs."

"Ew, guys, please keep the lovey-dovey nicknames to home. I don't need to see that," Adam joked.

"Shut up, Ruz."

Hailey swiped the keys from Jay's office and Jay went to wake you up. But, before he did, he saw the laptop, still open to both Netflix and your paper.

There wasn't much in the paper yet, as Jay had expected, only a few bullet points. His name caught his eye below the age 8 section...whatever that meant. He didn't mean to pry (well, really he did), but he closed the laptop without logging you out so that he and Hailey could take a look at it later.

"Y/N, Y/N, wake up."

You were woken up by someone gently shaking your shoulder.

"Quiero dormir, vaya," you whined. That was one thing you always did: reverted back to Spanish when you were tired. At least both Jay and Hailey understood it now because they had learned Spanish...which helped them with parenting because when they were mad at you, they'd talk in Spanish and that's how you know you were in deep shit.

"I know you want to sleep, and I'm not leaving," Jay answered. "But, we're going home so you can sleep in your bed instead of here."

"Mmmm, okay," you mumbled. You rubbed your eyes, but then decided it was too much work to get up, so you just sat up and closed your eyes once again.

"C'mon, cariña. Mom's got the car out front and then all you gotta do is stay awake until we get home, okay?"

"Mmmm," you mumbled and then stood up. He already had your backpack slung over his shoulder and was holding his laptop in the other hand. "Can I skip school tomorrow? I'm tired."

"Not a chance," Jay chuckled. "But, I can drive you to school and we can get you a frappucino on the way there."

"Mom won't be mad?"

"We don't have to tell Mom everything now do we?"

"No, we don't."

***

"What are you doing?" Hailey asked Jay as she slid into bed next to him that night. "Are you seriously checking our daughter's search history this late at night? C'mon Jay, she's a good kid. You won't find anything."

"That's not what I'm looking at. But, now that you mention it, I should probably check that, too."

"Then, what are you reading? Because I know for a fact that your case notes are definitely not as organized as that."

"Wow, Hails, you're so sweet," Jay said sarcastically. "It's Y/N's paper. The rubric was pasted at the top and it looks like she has to write about a memory from each year of her life and her career goals and a wish for the future."

"And you were snooping because...?"

"Because I saw my name. I wanna see what she says about us, Hailey."

"Jay, she loves us, baby. We're her parents. We both know that. You don't need to read her schoolwork to know that."

"Either way, I'm still reading it. Join me if you want, or go to sleep."

"Uh, fine. But if she asks, this was your idea and I will not hesitate to throw you under the bus."

Age 8, they both read to themselves, leaving/running away from orphanage

"God, no matter how many years it's been since she told us what happened, it never fails to break my heart," Hailey said.

Jay wrapped one arm around his wife. "I know, babe. I feel the exact same way."

"Hey, Y/N," the therapist started and you looked up at her. "Do you want to in that room over there and watch some tv while I talk to jay and Hailey? I can even turn on the Spanish movies for you."

"Okay!"

After getting you all set up, she left you in the room with a Spanish children's movie playing while she went to get Jay and Hailey.

"Jay and Hailey?" she asked as she entered the waiting room.

"Dr. Smith," Jay greeted.

"I have something to tell both of you, and Y/N told me it was okay that I tell you. When I asked if she wanted to be the one to tell you this, she said no because she didn't want to make you sad."

They entered the room where you had previously been and Dr. Smith sat in a chair and Jay and Hailey sat on the couch.

"What's this about?" Hailey asked.

"Well, she told me why she ran away from the orphanage."

Jay and Hailey were shocked. You'd been with them for three months and hadn't once mentioned why you ran away and what happened before Jay found you. It wasn't for lack of trying on Hailey and Jay's part, though. They tried. After all, they knew how to talk to child victims. But, they didn't want to push you too hard, and eventually, they just dropped the topic all together because they knew you'd talk about it when you were ready. Apparently, today was the day that you were ready to tell that story.

"And?" Jay pushed. "Why'd she run away?"

"She said that they came for her, the people who you were fighting," Dr. Smith said.

"Los Rebeldes," Jay said, more to Hailey than to anyone else.

"They came for her specifically?" Hailey asked.

"No, they just came to the orphanage. She said that she heard voices--male voices--telling them to get down on the ground and then some shots rang out. Her sister, Illiana, told her to hide and slipped the necklace around her neck. So, she did. She said she closed her eyes really tight and she just laid there, hiding and barely breathing. She said she heard a gunshot and then she heard Illiana scream and she heard squishing noises."

"Oh my God," Hailey gasped.

"You're saying they shot and killed her?" Jay asked, his voice cracking.

"That's what it sounded like, yes."

"How did she get out?"

"She said that she snuck out through a small door in the back of the room. She said it wasn't a real door, but it was a small door that led to the outside, by her description, it sounded about three feet tall and two feet wide."

"The waste doors," Jay muttered.

"The what?" Hailey asked.

"The waste doors...well, that's what we called them on Base anyway. They were these little doors where you could place stuff outside. Sometimes we'd put the packaging of our MRE's there or other crap we didn't need anymore. Not good for the planet, but yeah, that's what we did."

"So, Jay, you're telling me that Y/N essentially snuck out of the orphanage through a trash chute?"

"Well, we used them for waste, which is why we called them waste doors. But, I heard rumors of them being used at orphanages for parents to put their baby in a crib. They'd just open the door and place the baby in the little crib on the other side of the door."

"She moved the crib and snuck out through there?"

"If there was a crib, then she moved it and got out. If not, she just crawled out through there."

"Did she tell you anything about when she left?" Hailey asked Dr. Smith.

"She said that she didn't have much with her, just her teddy bear and that locket. But, she said that she walked for the rest of the day. And, according to her timeline, the soldiers came right after breakfast. She said she was really scared that they were going to find her and so she just kept walking. But then, she found a bit of a forest it sounded like and since it was starting to get dark and cold, she laid down."

"I found her in the middle of the night and she must've been there since sunset. No wonder she was hypothermic."

"We got her her first banana split after that therapy session," Hailey said. "I honestly don't know whether the food was to get her to try something new or to comfort us."

"Yeah, that was a rough night. I didn't even want her to leave my arms," Jay said. "Jay found me and I went home to Chicago," he read aloud. "Man, that night was rough, too. Probably worse than the night where we found out why she left."

"Now, it's crowded here, cariña so stay cerca to us or go mano a mano with me or Hailey, okay?" Jay asked you as the three of you found a parking spot at Navy Pier.

Adam, Kim, Kevin, and Will were all there as well. They had planned to go out and party and go to a bar when Jay returned home, but that changed now that he and Hailey had a kid to take care of, so they had decided to take a trip to Navy Pier.

In the airport, Jay had gotten a huge coffee from Starbucks, seeing as he had barely slept on the way home. Before coming to Navy Pier, you had gone to a place called iHOP where you had gotten some really yummy pancakes, and Adam, Kevin, and Will had made you laugh a lot and Kim spoke Spanish with you.

"What does that word mean?" you asked.

"What word?" Jay asked, looking down at you as he took your hand.

"Cr-crowded," you sounded out slowly.

"Uh, it means there's lots and lots of people."

"Oh, okay. I stay by you."

"So Y/N, what do you like to do?" Will asked you.

"I like reading and play fútbol," you told him.

"Really? Jay loves playing soccer!"

"We played back at the big house in España," you told Will excitedly. "We won and I got lots and lots of goals."

"Looks like you have a pro soccer player on your hands, little brother," Will said to Jay.

"Don't I know it."

"We go on the big thingy you showed me in the little book in the plane?" you asked Jay.

"The Ferris wheel?" You nodded excitedly. "We can do that, but let's walk around first. We might be able to play some games and win you a friend for Osito."

"Really? Osito have a friend?"

"Really," Jay promised.

As you walked down Navy Pier, you were excitedly pointing out every little thing you saw from the ducks and the seagulls to the big yachts floating down the Chicago River.

"Let's go into Garrett's, babe," Hailey suggested when they were inside the big atrium. "Give her a taste of Chicago's world-famous popcorn."

"I think that's a great idea," Jay agreed. "What do you think, cariña? Want to try some popcorn and then we'll get your favorite?"

You tilted your head to the side. "Popcorn? What is that?"

"Palomitas," Kim clarified for you in Spanish. "Hay muchos tipos diferentes de palomitas allí para probar y comprar."

"Oh, okay. Yes, please."

"What did you say to her?" Hailey whispered to Kim.

"Just gave her the Spanish translation of popcorn and then told her that there's a bunch of different types of popcorn that she can try and buy in there. But, you and Jay most definitely have your work cut out for you when it comes to learning Spanish. You're lucky that she's pretty good with English already and that I'm here to help you learn Spanish."

***

"Sleepy, cariña?" Jay asked as he heard you yawn from the backseat.

Hailey was driving and he was holding a big bag of caramel and cheddar popcorn...which Hailey was telling him not to eat all of it because she knew he would. You were in the backseat with your big stuffed bear, whom you had named Osita since she was a girl bear because she had really soft white fur and a pink ribbon tied around her. Jay had won that for you when he played a shooting game. You also had a stuffed duck that Will had won for you when he played a guess the weight game. You named him Pato...which meant duck in Spanish. You had gone on the Ferris wheel and had pointed out all the pretty things in the sky when you were up there. Hailey had never seen Jay so happy as when he was smiling wide at every little thing you pointed out and he tried to explain to you what they were.

"No," you answered as you laid your head against Osita. It was currently 3 pm Chicago time, which made it about 9 pm Spain time.

"Tell you what," Hailey started, "When we get home, we can show you your room, and then we can watch a movie and eat this popcorn. Because, if we don't start eating it soon, Jay will eat it all."

"Jay eat it all if we no eat it too?"

"Jay eats a lot," Hailey joked.

You reached your hand in front of you and towards Jay. "Palomitas please." Jay chuckled and Hailey smiled as he put some popcorn into your little outstretched hand. "Gracias."

"De nada," Jay told you.

"When we watch movie, how I get it?" you asked.

"We get it on the tv," Jay told you.

"No, how I know what they saying?"

Hailey hadn't thought that far ahead when she had suggested watching a movie. "Um," Hailey faltered. "We can make it so it's in Spanish."

"But then you no know what they say," you pointed out.

"We can put words on the bottom of the screen in English for us," Jay suggested. "Then all three of us will know what they're saying. Is that okay?"

"Okay!"

"Hailey," Jay whispered. "What are we gonna watch?"

"She's too old for princesses probably and way too young for action movies...how about Disney Channel movies? We could try High School Musical? That one's pretty good."

"You're kidding Hails. You watched that? Didn't it come out when we were like 20 or 25?"

Hailey held back a laugh. "Yes, it did. But, I babysat a lot of kids in my neighborhood who were around Y/N's age, and we'd always end up watching those Disney Channel originals."

"Okay, whatever you say, babe."

***

"I think I'm gonna bring her to bed," Jay said.

You had fallen asleep halfway through the movie. Before starting it, you had seen your room. It was purple! And, in black letters behind your bed, it said Salon de Y/N, which meant Y/N's room. Jay assumed that Kim had helped Hailey with the spelling and the boys had helped move the furniture into your room. There was also a little basket with a few things they thought you would like, such as a few different colored soccer balls and a bookshelf.

On the bookshelf, Hailey had picked out some books in Spanish that she had found at Barnes and Noble and some short chapter books in English that she used to read as a kid, such as the Nancy Drew series and Little House on the Prairie. She knew that you might need help reading them and might not be able to completely understand them all by yourself yet, but she knew that she and Jay would be there to help you.

"It's 6:00," Hailey protested. "Shouldn't we wake her up and have her stay awake for a few more hours so that her body can adjust?"

"If you're asking an adult like me that, yes, I'd stay awake. But, she's a kid. She needs her sleep. And, I'll probably be up before you anyway, so I can deal with her if she wakes us up at five in the morning."

"Okay super dad," Hailey joked. "Bring her to bed. I'll make us a quick dinner and cover this popcorn so it doesn't get stale. Can't wait for us to go to bed tonight." She winked.

"Hails, as much as I would love to take you up on that, I don't think it's a good idea when it's Y/N's first night. But, I will give you all the cuddles in the world tonight, don't you worry about that."

"As long as you didn't pick up the habit of snoring overseas then I'm all for that, babe."

***

Jay woke up to the sound of soft whimpering. It sounded like it was coming from the hallway but he couldn't be sure. He reached over Hailey and was about to grab her gun from her drawer where he knew that she kept it, but stopped when he remembered that it was probably just you. It wasn't just Jay and Hailey in the house anymore; you were there as well and that's probably where the noise was coming from. And, he didn't want to scare you by holding a gun.

He glanced over at the clock. 3 am. Yeah, sounds about right that you'd be waking up right about now since you'd slept for about nine hours and it was 9 am in Spain right now.

Jay slowly tiptoed out into the hallway, cursing himself that he hadn't left a light on or kept his and Hailey's bedroom door open so you could find them easily.

Jay reached out for the hall light switch and flicked on the lights, causing you to jump. "Hey, hey, it's just me. It's just Jay," he said calmly once he laid eyes on you. You were holding Osito and there were fresh tears running down your cheeks.

Jay never knew the force of an eight-year-old running into him could be so strong as to almost knock him over. You dropped Osito and wrapped your arms around him as if your life depended on it.

"It's okay, it's okay," Jay soothed. "What's wrong, cariña? Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I-I no know where I was," you mumbled into his shirt. "Was dark. Think you and Hailey left, so I came to find you."

"Oh, sweetie," Jay started. "I'm sorry. I forgot to turn the light on for you in your room so that you'd know where you are. And, me and Hailey would never leave you."

"You promise?"

"I promise." Your stomach grumbled. "Hungry?" you nodded. "Alright, let's get you a sandwich and then get you back to bed."

"You eat too?" you asked.

"You know, I could go for a sandwich."

***

The next morning, Hailey rolled over to see that Jay wasn't in bed next to her and his side of the bed was cold. Then, she remembered you and walked over to your room and slowly opened the door. You looked up from the Spanish book you were reading and put a finger to your lips.

"Jay sleeping," you told Hailey.

Jay was sitting upright in your bed against the headboard, his thumb holding a place in what looked to be a Nancy Drew book.

"Did Jay read to you last night, huh?" Hailey asked as she walked closer to you and Jay.

"Yeah, he told me that Nancy does what you and Jay do with policia. Then, I sleep again and then I wake up and he sleep again, so I started reading in Spanish."

"I think we should let him sleep a little more while we go finish High School Musical and eat palomitas before Jay eats it all. Does that sound good?"

You nodded eagerly and closed your book. Then, you got out of bed and followed Hailey out of your room. And, after hearing that Jay had read to you and seeing him sleeping upright in your bed so that you'd be able to sleep, she had one more reason why she was truly head over heels for the man she married and got to call her husband.

"Look, Jay. She wrote her birthday in here for age 9," Hailey said as she pointed to the laptop screen.

"God, I don't think I'll forget that day for the rest of my life. It was such a good day."

"You are such a sap when it comes to Y/N."

"Hey! let me be sappy about our daughter, Hailey Anne. She's in high school now, high school. That means she'll be going off to college soon."

"Don't get too far ahead of yourself, sergeant," she joked. "Just keep reading this. It was your idea to snoop through her stuff after all."

"Jay, you got the stuff?" Hailey asked as she was sitting cross-legged on their bedroom floor with wrapping paper, tape, and scissors in front of her.

"Jesus, Hails," Jay laughed, "You make it sound like we're doing a drug deal."

"Well sorry if I want her birthday to go really well. Now, did you get them or not?"

"They're in here." He set a plastic bag down on the bed. He took out three framed pictures and laid them out on the bed. Of course, he made sure that the frames were different shades of purple. "Good?"

Hailey stood up and looked at the pictures. "I never know the CPD's sketch software could work miracles like this, so yeah, I'd say we did good."

Over the past month, everyone in Intelligence had told you that they were testing out a new sketch software to use to try to track down criminals. They let you play with it because they said they wanted to see what it would do...even though they knew what it did, how good it was, and it wasn't new. It was just a ploy to make sure they got your birthday gift right. They had told you to try and input someone's face from memory, someone like your older sister, Illiana.

So, when you had to go to the district for the day with Jay and Hailey, you'd ask to play with that software to work on your sketch. Little did you know, they were printing it out on fancy photo paper and putting it in a frame for your birthday. Jay had also swiped your necklace one day when you had taken it off to go swimming and had taken pictures of what your mom and dad looked like. Then, he and Hailey each took one parent and worked on making their faces through the CPD's sketch software.

"Now what the hell is this?" Jay asked as he held up a big board that Hailey had laying out in front of her as well.

"That, Jay, is so we can stick the back of the frames to it so that we don't have to give the three of them to her separately. Then, she can just take them off from it and place them wherever she wants in her room."

"You're smart. Maybe you should've gone to law school."

"Haha, very funny, Halstead. But then I wouldn't have met you."

"Eh, I beg to differ. You'd probably end up being some prosecution or defense attorney and then I'd have to testify, and after getting yelled at by you on the stand, I'd end up making an ass of myself and ask you out for a drink."

"Is that so?"

"That is very much so."

He walked up to her and grabbed her by the waist and she gave him a peck on the lips. "Hails," Jay whined. "Why'd you phone it in?"

"Because we have presents to wrap. Now, sit your ass down on the carpet and help me."

"Yes ma'am. But, damn, you're really going to be the death of me."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

***

"Before we do cake everyone, me and Hailey have one more gift for Y/N," Jay announced by tapping a fork gently against his champagne glass. Yes, the adults were drinking champagne because they were celebrating your first birthday with them as their kid. No, they wouldn't even give you one sip...but you didn't care and you didn't ask.

You had gotten spoiled all day. Will had taken you out for breakfast where you had gotten chocolate chip pancakes with all the toppings. Then, he took you to the sporting goods store where you bought an FC Madrid jersey and to Barnes Noble where you bought a few new books.

Then, when you got home, you were surprised to find everyone from Intelligence there along with some people from Med, and firehouse 51. Emilia, Mouse, and Makayla were there, and your friend, Rosa, whom Emilia had introduced you to earlier in the year at her welcome home party since Rosa was one of Emilia's little cousins.

You had gone outside and played a huge soccer game. And, when you got sick of playing soccer, Emilia busted out a makeup kit she had bought for you. And you, Makayla, Emilia, and Rosa did each other's makeup. While the four of you were doing makeup, a soccer tournament had broken out where Intelligence played Med, and then the winner of that game played Firehouse 51. Intelligence won against Med...mostly due to Jay. But, then they played 51 and they got creamed.

"Here you go, nena," Hailey said as she passed you the gift. Hailey had started calling you nena since Jay had a nickname for you, cariña, which you learned now meant sweetheart in English. So, she decided to call you nena, which meant honey. And, you and Hailey had thought it only fair if you came up with a nickname for Jay. So, the one you decided on was quite fitting in your mind: pecas...which translated to freckles. And, Will, well Will calls you Osa because your favorite animal is a bear. It's probably one of only three words he knows in Spanish next to hola and adios.

The gift was long and hard...like a piece of wood. You slowly opened the gift, wondering what else you could have possibly gotten.

You bit your lip as you finished tearing the paper off and flipped it over. "Mamí, Papí, Illiana," you whispered as you held back tears. "¿Cómo lo hicisteis?" you asked. Seeing as Jay and Hailey had been working very hard on their Spanish for the past nine months, they could understand you and could sometimes explain an English word to you in Spanish if needed.

"We didn't really need to test out the drawing thing," Jay answered. "We just needed a picture of Illiana. And, I got the pictures of your parents from the locket."

At this, you started to cry harder, remembering that day when Jay had to cut your necklace off of you in the back of the Med truck in Spain.

You stood up and hugged both Jay and Hailey at the same time. Now, you had both of your families watching over you: your biological family from in heaven and your parents in the here and now. And, your biological family now had no doubt in their mind up there that you would never, ever forget them.

"You remember what she called us that night?" Hailey asked.

"How could I forget? It was the first night she called us mom and dad. I still remember her exact words when I told her we weren't trying to replace her biological family: Son mi familia en el cielo y en mi corazon, pero vosotros sois mi familia aquí."

"They're my family in heaven and in my heart, but you are my family here."

"Exactly."

"Oh my God!" Hailey laughed. "She wrote sixth-grade: I cheated on a literature test and Mom had to come to pick me up and I got in trouble. And then, Dad went full-on dad-mode."

"No fucking way," Jay laughed as he brought the laptop closer to him and looked for the sixth-grade section. "I can't believe this is what she's going to write about!"

"Well, in her defense, it was the first time we had to ground her and the first time you went full-on, overprotective, my daughter can do no wrong dad-mode."

"Pretty sure the next time I'll do that is when she gets asked to the homecoming dance later this year."

"Jay! You will not! You will not scare the boys away from our daughter!"

"Well, they should be scared!" Jay argued. "We're both cops, babe. We can make their death look like an accident."

"Jay, what you're talking about is murder and I shouldn't have to remind you that that is illegal. If so, I am going to the Ivory Tower tomorrow to get you stripped of your sergeant title."

"Fine, fine. The next time I'll do that is when she gets her driver's license."

"Hey, on the bright side, we wouldn't have to pick her up from the principal's office then," Hailey pointed out. "She could just drive herself home."

"We wouldn't have to figure out which of us should go pick her up like last time?"

"Exactly. And I'm pretty sure she was thankful that it was you and not me who picked her up in sixth grade."

"Miss Halstead," your literature teacher said as she stalked over to you from the other side of the classroom. "Care to tell me what you have under your sleeve?"

"My arm?"

"I don't like being disrespected in my classroom. We both know you have your phone in there. And, lying to me will just make this worse."

"I-I needed it," you stammered, not wanting to have the whole class hear how stupid you were.

"For a test? You know the rules: no cheating. Principal's office, now. Grab your stuff. And, I'll be calling your parents as you walk down there."

You grabbed your backpack and started your walk to the principal's office. It's not like you had a choice...well, you did have a choice. You could've just not used your phone on the test. But, after that last grade you got on that essay and how weirdly worded the questions were, you basically had no choice but to use your phone. It's not like you were using it to look up the answers per se, but you were using it to try and understand the questions because there was no way you were going to ask that teacher.

"Mrs. Halstead, right this way," you heard the office secretary say as they led Hailey to the principal's office. Your phone was sitting on the principal's desk, the tab you had been using to cheat open and you were fiddling with the strings of your hoodie. You had thought about deleting your search history, but knew it wouldn't be of any use because Jay and Hailey would just be able to look it up with whatever police software crap that Intelligence had access to. You knew you'd be in more trouble if you deleted it and they found out that you were lying, so you decided you wouldn't delete it...even though you were regretting that decision as your phone screen stared back at you.

"May I ask why my daughter is in the principal's office when I thought she should be taking a test?" Jay and Hailey knew all about your literature test that day as you had read the book twice to be ready for it.

"That's exactly why she's in here, Mrs. Halstead," the principal told Hailey. "She was trying to cheat on her literature test."

"She wouldn't do that!" Hailey defended you. "She studied so hard!" She looked between both you and the principal, but your gaze stayed trained on the floor.

"Just take a look."

He passed Hailey your phone and she looked at the search history and the timestamps of said history. "Y/N, is this true?"

You nodded. Hailey sighed. "I'm assuming she's suspended?"

"Since this is her first academic infraction, I'm not going to suspend her. She does need to go home for the rest of the school day, though."

"Thank you. C'mon Y/N, let's go."

You hung your head as you left the middle school, Hailey holding your phone and still trying to figure out why you did this. But she knew that one thing was for sure: the minute Jay got home, he would not be happy.

***

"You're kidding me, right?" you heard Jay ask Hailey in the kitchen.

You were currently in your room, but the kitchen was right down the hall, so if you were quiet and focused enough, you could hear their conversation.

"I wish I was, Jay," Hailey said. "Just...here, take a look."

You assumed that Hailey was handing Jay the phone and he was looking at your search history.

Jay took a deep breath and restrained himself from shoving the chair into the kitchen table.

You heard his heavy footsteps coming down the hall and quickly locked your door and then sat back down on your bed.

You heard the doorknob jiggle as Jay tried to open your door.

"Y/N! ¡Abras la puerta inmediatamente!" (Open the door immediately!)

You were in deep shit if he was yelling at you in Spanish.

You didn't move from your bed.

"¡Ábrelo ahora!" (Open it now!)

"¡Estoy viniendo! ¡Calmáse!" (I'm coming! Calm yourself!) You got up from the bed and opened the door.

"Do not ever, ever tell me to calm down ever again! Do you understand me?" Jay asked angrily as he flung open your door after he had unlocked it. You nodded. "Now, I understand that you were caught cheating on a test. Care to explain that to me?"

"Not really," you sighed as you sat on your bed.

"I'm giving you one more chance to explain to me why you chose to cheat. And I suggest you tell me the truth, kid."

You looked up to be met with Hailey standing in the doorway. She nodded to you as if to say you better listen to your dad.

"Well?" he asked as he crossed his arms across his chest.

"I needed to cheat!"

"Nobody needs to cheat!"

"Well, I did!" You dug through your backpack and found the paper you had to write for the class that your teacher failed you on. "Because of this!" You threw the paper on your bed. "And because my teacher is a puta!"

"You do not call your teacher a bitch, young lady!" Jay yelled.

"Jay!" Hailey yelled. "Take the paper, go to our room and read it and calm down!"

"So Mom can tell you to calm down but I can't?"

Jay turned back to you, but Hailey grabbed his arm. "Bedroom Jay. Now." He left the room and Hailey turned to you. "As for you. You're grounded from your phone for the foreseeable future. Sorry, nena. Now, we'll be back to talk to you after we've read whatever it is you threw on your bed."

***

"We read the paper," Jay said as he and Hailey entered your room again fifteen minutes later. "And, I'm sorry for yelling. I know me and your mom are both detectives, but it'd look better if you told us why you cheated instead of leaving us to put the pieces together."

"I'm sorry, I really am. It's just, I failed that paper. And, I worked really hard on it. And, she said it wasn't a real tradition."

The paper topic was to write about a family tradition and you wrote about the Spanish tradition of eating grapes on New Year's Eve. With twelve seconds left of the year, you'd put a grape in your mouth for every second that passed. You'd try to get all twelve grapes in your mouth, but that was really hard. You wrote about the last time you did it with your family and your papí almost got all of them in your mouth while you only got three in your mouth since you were only three years old at the time.

One of the grading criteria for the paper was that it had to be a real tradition.

"She said that it wasn't a real tradition, Dad. She said that because she had never heard of it and that it sounded weird to her, that it wasn't real. So, she failed me. I also put some Spanish words in there, but I put the translations next to it. I thought it would make it more...what's the word? It's kind of like real? Like it'd make it more real to read? You know that word for it?"

"Authentic?" Hailey asked.

"Yeah, that. I thought it'd make it more authentic to read. And, I knew the material of the book. But, the questions were so confusing and I didn't want to ask her to clarify because she's mean."

"So you googled the questions to try to figure out what they were asking?" Hailey asked.

"Yes. I'm sorry. I really am. I just didn't want you to be disappointed in me and think that I've been here for four years and not know English."

"Oh, cariña." Jay crouched in front of you. "We'd never think that. I promise. And I know Mom would never think that either, right?"

"That's right," Hailey agreed.

"Now, I have to go make a phone call."

"You went off on that teacher, Jay! I don't think I've ever heard you that angry when you weren't in interrogation!" Hailey laughed.

"Well yeah! That teacher's logic and grading criteria were seriously flawed. And, you read that paper. It was really good. As Y/N put it that day, she really was a puta."

Hailey rolled her eyes.

"Wish for the future," Jay read aloud. "I wish that I could figure out why Los Rebeldes came to the orphanage and killed Illiana."

"I think that's enough snooping through her stuff for the day, babe," Hailey said, beginning to feel uncomfortable reading this. "Let's just go to bed."

"Yeah, I'm just gonna take a quick shower and I'll be back, okay? I love you." He gave Hailey a quick peck on the lips and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower.

"I love you, too."

But, Jay barely heard her. He was so lost in thought about how to get answers for you, for his daughter. Hell, he wanted those answers just as bad as you. What kind of sick bastard would come into an orphanage heavily armed and just kill innocent civilians and innocent children?

***

"Mouse," Jay said as he entered the bullpen the next morning, "I need your help with something."

"Jeez, Jay, you're late," Ruzek commented. "Where's Hailey?"

"It's her RDO. And, I promised Y/N a frappuccino because she had to wake up early for school and had to go to bed late last night because we were working a case."

"Does Hailey--"

"No, Adam. Hailey does not know that I gave our fourteen-year-old daughter sugar-laced coffee this morning. And, if you so much as say the words frappuccino, Jay, and Y/N in the same sentence, I will bump you back down to patrol so fast you won't know what hit you."

Jay started to walk towards the tech area where he assumed Mouse would be. His voice carried, so he hoped he'd heard him when he'd said he needed his help.

"Whose idea was it to give Jay all this power?" Adam asked rhetorically. "I think it's going to his head."

"I heard that Ruz!"

"You needed something, Jay?" Mouse asked as he turned around from his laptop and took a sip of his coffee.

"Yeah, can you do something off the books for me?"

"You don't even have to ask anymore, man."

"Just need to make sure you don't assign a case number to it."

"I can do that. Now, what do you need?"

Jay pulled out his phone and pulled up a Spanish newspaper article from two weeks ago. He laid the phone in front of Mouse. "This. This is why I need you."

Mouse looked at the phone and back up at Jay with raised eyebrows. "I'm gonna need you to translate that. I don't speak Spanish."

"Says that the guy who killed everyone in the orphanage that Y/N was in is meeting with his lawyer about an appeal. That son of a bitch. And, it's happening on Monday."

"He's meeting with his lawyer on Monday or you'll know if he won the appeal or not on Monday?" Mouse asked.

"He's meeting with his lawyer on Monday."

"And you need me because...?"

"Think you can hack into Spain's maximum-security federal prison system?"

"You cannot be serious."

"I am dead serious, Mouse."

"Why don't you just wait to hear the news?"

Jay sighed and took a seat next to Mouse. "Y/N has to write a paper and was using my laptop. It was this narrative thing for her senior project, so it's due in a few years. But, I'll spare you the details. Y/N had to write what one of her wishes for the future was and she wrote that she wants to know why the guy killed everyone in the orphanage. Not who, because we already know that it was Raúl Rodríguez. She wants to know why."

"That guy's the one who told them to attack the orphanage? The one that killed her sister, right?"

"That's the prick."

"Okay, I'll see what I can do. I'd know that if it was my sister or my kid that I'd want to know."

"Thanks, man."

"Video and audio?"

"Yeah. I'm probably gonna get Emilia in on this too to translate."

"Why? Don't you and Hailey speak Spanish?"

"We do, but they're gonna talk really fast and I probably don't know law lingo except for the word lawyer."

"Fair enough. I'll get to work."

***

"Hails, Hails," Jay shook Hailey awake.

"Jay? Why are you home so late?" she asked as she rolled over and opened her eyes. It was almost 11:30 and she had gone to bed half an hour ago...she thought Jay would've been home by 11:00.

"Paperwork," Jay answered honestly. He instantly regretted his decision of waking Hailey up knowing her history of insomnia. "But, I shouldn't have woke you up. I'm sorry, babe."

"No, I'm awake now. What's up?" She sat up in bed and turned on the lamp to see Jay changing out of his clothes and into his pajama pants and an old t-shirt. "You don't have to sleep with a shirt on you know."

Jay smirked. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? But, don't want our daughter to walk in on me shirtless."

"She's spending the night at Rosa's," Hailey informed him.

"In that case..." Jay trailed off and took off his t-shirt along with his pajama pants so that he was just in his boxers. "Better?"

"Much better."

Jay pulled back the covers on his side of the bed and slid in next to his wife. She cuddled into his side and he wrapped an arm around her.

"What'd you want to tell me?" she asked.

"How do you know I wanted to tell you something?"

"You had that look in your eye, Jay Halstead. Now, tell me."

"So persuasive." He rolled his eyes playfully.

"Shut up."

"You love it, though." He gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "You know how Y/N's biggest wish was to know why Raúl Rodríguez attacked the orphanage?"

"Mhmm," she mumbled.

"Well, I'm gonna find out why."

She pulled away from him. "What? How? You're going to Spain? To interrogate him? You know the CPD doesn't have jurisdiction there even though you were a ranger there, right?"

"Hails, I'm not going overseas to find him. I promise you that."

"Okay." She settled back into his embrace. "Then what are you doing?"

"Having Mouse see if he can hack into the prison system so that I can watch the lawyer talk to him."

"And you're going to be able to understand everything they're saying?"

"No, but Emilia will."

"You called her and told her your plan before you told me?"

"No! The only person who knows is Mouse. I figured I'd call Emilia tomorrow. Like I said, I was just at the district late doing paperwork."

"Okay, I believe you. And, we're not going to have her in the room with us, Y/N that is? We're going to tell her why he did this so she doesn't have to hear it from him?"

"Precisely. Now, am I right in assuming that since Y/N's gone for the night that we can be as loud as we want?"

"You are very much correct in that." Then, he gave her a kiss...and this time, he didn't phone it in at a peck.

***

You were sitting in the breakroom Monday afternoon trying to do some American history homework. There was so much reading involved, but it was okay because you liked history. And, there were pictures in the textbook...it wasn't like you were reading Romeo and Juliet like you had to do in English class.

You knew Emilia was here because she had brought you some fries, much to your mom and dad's dismay since your mom had packed you a few extra snacks. But, Emilia said she had to hold up her reputation as your cool aunt...even if she wasn't related to you whatsoever. And so far, she was holding it up.

You didn't know why she was here, but you assumed it was because Kim was in the field and they needed someone to translate audio. Sometimes Jay would call in Emilia if he knew that she wasn't working to do some translating so he didn't have to deal with calling up a patrolman. You also knew from hearing some of his conversations with Will that Will wanted to ask her out.

And, you hoped she say yes. You wanted Emilia to be your actual aunt. Apparently, she had a thing for doctors according to Jay's side of the phone conversations you'd heard, so you hoped it'd work out if your uncle Will ever got the balls to ask her out.

All of a sudden, Emilia came into Jay's office and he took off running. Hailey saw this and she started following them.

"What?" you asked yourself.

They always would tell you if they had to leave and they'd always be sure to tell you they loved you before they left.

You quietly walked out of the breakroom and towards where you had seen them running to. You assumed they were in the tech area because of the direction they ran in and the fact that whenever Emilia was here, she was most likely in the tech room.

As you got closer, you started hearing Spanish.

Someone talking about an attack...an attack on an orphanage.

A man said it was in the Tabernas Desert.

You peeked your head around the corner to see that on the screen there was a man in a nice suit and someone sitting at a table with handcuffs on.

"Anything we don't already know?" Hailey asked.

"Not that it sounds like right now," Emilia answered. "They're just talking about the orphanage Y/N and Illiana were in and where it was."

So this is the guy who did it. This was the guy--no, the monster--who led the attack that killed your sister.

"The lawyer just asked Rodríguez why he did it," Emilia said.

"And?" Jay asked

"Jay, I need to be able to hear them talk, so shut up."

Jay held his hands up in a sign of surrender.

"The lawyer just asked if it was something personal, something like Rodríguez being an orphan and he didn't have a good experience there so he attacked it, something that would tug at the board of appeals heartstrings essentially." There was a pause as Emilia continued listening. "He said no." She paused again. "Oh my God."

"What?" Jay asked frantically. "Why did that prick kill innocent children?"

"He said he ordered the attack because the orphanage was receiving aid from the US, for things such as food, clothing, and basic necessities."

"Un-fucking-believable." Jay wanted to punch something, but he restrained himself. "So, because our country was helping those who couldn't help themselves, this prick went after them?"

"That's what it sounds like. I'm sorry, Jay."

"Hails, how are we going to tell Y/N?"

"You guys don't have to tell me," you said as you made your presence known. "I heard the whole thing."

Jay sighed. "I'm sorry cariña, really I am. I'm sorry that this happened to you. That you had to find out this way. That this was the reason for what that monster did. I'm sorry."

"Dad read my outline?" you asked, turning to Hailey.

"Yeah, nena, he did. It was just open and you know him, he couldn't stop himself."

"Because he's a detective before he's a sergeant, just like Nancy Drew," you said, bringing it back to the books you'd used to read with your dad every night when you had just come over to the states from Spain and were working on your English.

"This should never have happened," Jay said softly as he walked over to you and brought you into a tight hug. "People that do these kinds of horrific acts shouldn't have the right to be born, much less to live."

"But if that wouldn't have happened you wouldn't have found me. And I wouldn't have found my forever Mom and Dad."

A/N: I wrote over 6.5k words to get this posted today! That's a new personal record for me! Also, my neuroscience class is kicking my butt right now, so if I don't update as frequently, that's why. Hopefully, I'll get one out every week or every two weeks at the latest. Please like/reblog and comment because I love getting feedback and it keeps me motivated to write. If you want to be added to the taglist, just tell me and I’ll add you! 

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e 

[nevilles-insinuations]

The Road to Normal - Colson Baker

Requested by @catlady495​ : are you taking requests? if so i think it would be so cute if you like took your kids to see colson on tour and have it like really fluff/cute family crap 🥺 

Word Count: 1929 Warnings: None really. Fluff and kids. A/N: Gif by me. Sorry this took so long but I had no idea what to write for a while and kept deleting stuff. Anyways, Stream Tickets to My Downfall!

Going on a flight with 3 kids was just as hectic as it sounded. You were starting to question whether it was worth it. A 2-year-old half asleep on your lap, his feet dangling in your face for an hour. Because if you moved even an inch, he would wake up and you weren’t emotionally prepared for that.

Bella had finally stopped asking questions about the plane, how it flew and when she would see her dad. Her sister distracting her with her tablet. You were always thankful for Casie, she was the best big sister that you could ever ask her to be. Even when you didn't ask, she was awesome. 5 months and 25 days without him and you were going a little stir crazy. It was the loneliness more than anything that got you. The kids hated it, and seeing them like that made your heart hurt.

Colson was feeling it too, though he would never admit how much. Tour was insane like always, but he loved it. The mess, the noise, the crowd. Performing was like breathing to him - the only thing he would change was you. Without you there, it was like a piece of him was missing. A late-night phone call and "I miss you" couldn't get you to drop everything and fly to another country. Now you had kids, it was a lot more difficult to bring them out on road. The circumstances were understandable but hard to take. So this plan was put into action. The plan that involved your legs being scrunched up against a chair for 5 hours and trapped in a metal tube. The ride to the hotel was thankfully pretty short, and you met your favourite co-conspirator there.

"Hey (Y/N)"

Ashleigh hugged you tight, bright smile on her face now that you were finally here. Colson needed this, and she knew you did too.

"How are you guys?"

She was attacked with cuddles in response, laughing as the kids could barely contain their excitement.

Colson, completely unaware of his almost screaming children in the lobby, was in his room. He had called you, just before you'd left for the airport. Panic filled your body. Trying to brush him off was difficult. Normally you'd talk for hours but your terrible excuse of “crying kids and needing to go grocery shopping” was enough to prevent any questions. Thankfully he was too tired to probe any further. You probably made his shitty day even worse, the sadness in his voice killed you.

“No- its fine baby, we can talk later. It was nothing important, I just miss you and the kids like crazy. I love you”

At least now you could make his day a whole lot better.

"Which way is it?"

Casie asked once you were out of the elevator, and finally at his floor. She was bouncing with more energy than you'd seen in a while. Looking determined, concentration etched on her face as she matched the number on the keycard with the doors in front of her. Eli tried to escape from your arms getting antsy, wanting to go where everyone else was.

"Okay, okay. You'll see Daddy soon I promise"

You gently shushed him, eyes widening at the mention of his father. You followed your girls to make sure they didn't scream the entire way there.

"(Y/N), come on!"

Casie ran back and her hand tugged yours. Bella was behind you using all of her might to push, her little arms only reaching your lower back. You laughed, while they hurried you to the door. Now only a few steps separated you from him. Colson didn't flinch at the sound of the door handle, presuming it was Ash coming to talk about the show later. Looking up from his phone, he sighed, waiting for another lecture. His mouth fell open when he saw you all standing there.

"Dad!"

Bella ran towards him and Eli wriggled out of your grasp, climbing over the mattress with his sister's help. Casie made her way around the bed, diving under his other arm.

"What are you doing here?"

That smile you loved so much was plastered on his face, unable to hide it at seeing his babies. They were actually here and not buffering pixels thanks to terrible hotel Wi-Fi.

"Came to see you, duh"

Casie shrugged like it was the easiest thing into the world, burrowing back into his shoulder, while her father laughed.

Finally hearing that laugh in person was heaven. His eyes met yours across the room. After months, those blue eyes were staring into yours, lingering on your figure in disbelief. For a while, he would get to be Colson, instead of Kells.

He escaped the grasp of your children, making his way over to you. Enveloping you in a hug and almost lifting you off the floor. Pressing a kiss to his lips your hand caressed his cheek, drinking in your favourite view. Cuddling you tight to his chest for a few seconds, Colson planted a kiss to your hairline. God, he was so happy. You could hear Casie sighing from the other side of the room. Reaching over dramatically to cover her sibling's eyes, both of you chuckled at her antics. Finally, everything was back to your crazy kind of normal.

The few hours you got to yourselves were gloriously spent doing nothing. Colson listening attentively as Casie told him everything that had happened at school. Bella showed him how far she had got with the guitar. The instrument was bigger than her but she was determined to prove that their facetime lessons were working.

Eventually, you made it to soundcheck. The kids all looked so cute in their matching tour shirts. As you strolled in, Casie was glued to his hip, she was definitely going to be taller than him soon. They were all taller than the last time he’d seen them, which Colson hated. His tiny humans were getting bigger by the second and he was missing it. But the feeling of having them here made him forget that pain of leaving and missing them every second.

You plonked yourself on a seat next to Mod, watching a few rows back with Eli on your lap. While, Bella and Casie went wandering backstage with Ash.

"Daddy up there?"

His small voice asked, swinging his legs on the chair. He had gotten bored on your lap after a while. You pointed up to the stage, where Colson was currently talking to Rook about a drum solo.

"Wanna see!"

You lifted Eli off the chair, holding him above your head to see the stage.

"Wanna see Daddy!"

You pointed to the stage with your free hand but it was no use. Eli sniffled, pouting at you. Those big brown eyes blinking up at you, and you instantly melted.

"Fine. We'll go even though he's only over there"

Mod laughed, as you trudged up that stage, crying toddler in tow.

AJ and Baze waved at Eli who gave them a small wave back, but his eyes remained fixed on his father. Slim pointed for Colson to turn around.

"What's up?"

Colson reached out, taking your son in his arms, eyes scanning for any injury. Eli wrapped his arms around his neck and immediately shut up.

"What's wrong? Why you crying?"

"Missed you"

The baby mumbled into his tattooed shoulder, and Colson’s arms squeezed him a little tighter.

"You were just over there!"

He laughed, pointing to where Mod was, who waved back at him.

"You wanna stay up here with me?"

His voice was softer as he asked the question and Eli nodded intently.

"Guess I'll sit here then"

You made your way over the side of the stage, laughing at the thought Colson jumping around with a baby in his arms. He'd done it before. It was difficult but still unbelievably cute.

Casie appeared next to you, back from hanging out with Ash and Ash.

"Hey Casie B"

She rested her head on your shoulder, her curly hair tickling your forehead. At least she still wanted to hang out with you.

"You doing okay?"

She nodded. Casie would have a good time no matter what, she just wanted to see her dad.

“Thanks for bringing me”

“No problem, you’re a delight. Plus who else is going to watch the madness with me?”

She agreed wholeheartedly, and almost on cue, soundcheck was yet again interrupted by one of Colson’s tiny humans. It was less troublesome than the usual chaos that followed your family around, but it was to be expected. Bella walked onstage confidently, not unlike her someone else you knew, planting herself in front of her uncle. Slim leant down, the five-year-old whispering in his ear, to which he nodded.

“Rookie, you’re out the band”

“Again?”

His accent rang in the air, still sounding dejected at the words he had heard so many times.

“Yeah” Slim nodded, helping his niece over to the drums “Bella is replacing you”

“Do you need some help?”

Rook asked, seeing the concentration on her little face.

She paused, thinking about this life-changing decision for a second.

“Maybe a little”

Her tiny hands grabbed the sticks, whacking the drums and cymbals with some sense of rhythm. She was taking advantage of her moment. Soaking up the applause and cheering, you took that as your cue to leave so they could actually rehearse.

The show was phenomenal, as always. Surrounded by music and the unreal energy that came in waves from the stage. To you it was beautiful. Although that may have been just because of who was jumping around shirtless on stage. Colson winked at you and all the girls screamed but you just shook your head and blew a kiss back. Bella was disappointed to not be on drums, but she still had a good time. Bopping along with her tiny headphones, giggling when her dad made funny faces at them. Eli had fun clapping to the music, occasionally half wobbling half dancing with his sisters. The babies got tired quickly, eventually leaving to snooze backstage. Casie was wide awake, watching with awe as her father jumped across the stage. She shot you another smile, and you just felt happy. Nothing could beat that feeling of spending time with your family, the ones you love. Or an amazing concert.

After the show, you were welcomed into a hug by smiling, and very sweaty, Colson. And you wouldn’t change a thing for that sight. Eventually, you’d make it back to the hotel, basking in the almost silence of nighttime and enjoying each other’s company for the first time in a while. Bundled on the bed, cold because your children had claimed ownership of all blankets and comforters. Whispering due to your sleeping kids, you would attempt to have a conversation but Colson would still make you laugh without even trying.

“Quiet is so weird to me now”

The blond hummed, agreeing with your statement. It was nice but strange to not have a constant stream of noise filling the room.

“You wouldn’t rather be out having drunk lightsaber fights right now?”

“I mean, if you’re suggesting it-”

He abruptly sat up, attempting to move off the edge of the bed, amongst the sea of people on the mattress.

“Nope. This is perfect”

Colson shook his head, moving back and resting comfortably on your shoulder. And you knew, he meant every word. Despite the tantrums, very long flights and awkward facetimes. This was worth it and always would be.

[spilledkauffie]

The Nights You’re Gone

Repost from an old account I deleted!!

Pairing: Bruce Wayne (Batman) x reader Word Count: 1.8k T/W: little argument then fluff! A/N: This is what I get for watching BvS again!

Turning over, the silky sheets slipped against your frame, in motion with your movement effortlessly. Taking a deep breath, almost meditational to your thoughts, the scent of your lover’s cologne was faint, but just evident enough for you to miss him. Unsure of what time it was, you knew it was late, or early rather. Glancing over your shoulder, darkness was still displayed outside the glass windows of the bedroom. No wonder he was gone. Nightfall through the early morning were his waking and working hours. Yet somehow he managed an entire enterprise, with hardly any sleep. It was both impressive and heartbreaking to you that he never seemed to have a moment of quiet or calm, you 

The subtle, distant sounds of sirens that always seemed to haunt Gotham prompted you to get up, there wasn’t going to be any sleep gained with your mind in a whirlwind of worry. Picking up one of Bruce’s dress shirts, laying over the back of a chair, you buttoned it to mostly cover your body. Hugging yourself in it as you walked out of the bedroom, the sleeves were far too long and came well passed your wrists, the bottom hem fell about mid thigh, making you appropriate enough. Hoping Alfred had decided to stop by early, you sighed, truly disheartened when you found the kitchen bar and table with only empty chairs occupying them. When you worried, Alfred always knew what to say to make you feel better, but you knew you had to face the reality sooner or later. 

Reaching a mug from the kitchen cabinet, you made yourself coffee, hoping it would wake you up out of your troubled state. Adding a bit of milk to the caffeinated drink, you sat at the bar. Facing the wide glass windows, a beautiful view of the lake displayed, it was still dark, but you could hear the gentle sound of the water and see silver shapes from the moon’s light dancing atop the waves. Propping your feet up on the footrest of the chair in front of you, you set the coffee cup on your knees, curling up to yourself at its warmth. You felt slightly ridiculous, as you waited for morning’s light. Anticipating a very different sight than just a sunrise before day break. You couldn’t remember if you had dozed off a few times or not, if so, it wasn’t for long and you took another sip of your coffee just in time to spot a familiar sight. 

Morning was on the horizon, sunlight peeking barely over the trees across the lake, and through them came a noise similar to that of a sports car, but much more intense and intimidating. Whitish-blue headlights and a black, armoured exterior broke through the trees, the middle of the lake opened like a trap door for the Dark Knight to escape from the revealing light. Within seconds, everything returned to normal with now crashing waves subsiding to stillness on the lake’s surface. Looking down, you rubbed your thumbs against the warm cup in your hands. Knowing what was to come. 

It was still some time before you saw Bruce. When you finally did, he didn’t exactly seem happy to see you. Jogging up the stairs, from the lower level, which held an entrance to the cave, Bruce quickly turned the corner headed for the bedroom, but paused once his eyes found you already in the kitchen. You shifted your glance away from him, perhaps from intimidation under his gaze. He hated feeling like he was the cause for keeping you up. Turning away, you attempted to hold yourself together. So much was on your mind, but you weren’t sure to say it or not. 

You missed him, you were scared, you wanted to know if he was okay, what did the sirens mean? 

“You made coffee?” Bruce asked, standing on the opposite side of the counter as you. 

Looking back at him, ‘that was his first question?’ “Yeah,” you answered, “I did.” 

Furrowing your eyebrows and biting the inside of your lip, you felt your chest tightening; you were holding back. You wanted to ask where he went this time or if he had been hurt, but he often diverted the questions with either silence or his suave charm. Already knowing his secret, you didn’t expect him to tell you everything, but you needed to know if he was going to come back home to you again. Shaking your head, you sniffled subtly, not enough to be noticed for the true emotions you felt.

Eying you over, Bruce could tell you were upset, but as he often did, he interpreted it the wrong way “You look tired. You should’ve waited for Alfred. I’ve told you not to wait up for me.” 

“I didn’t,” you responded, taking a deep breath, staring into the dark, now cold coffee. 

“Really? That’s why you’re up at four a.m.?” he set his hands firmly on the counter, slightly startling you, “I know you might not like me for-” 

“That’s not it, Bruce,” you lifted your head, answering with a stern, frustrated voice. 

Surprised at your hostile tone, he tilted his head as if asking ‘really?’ again, questioning the sudden attitude you took. You felt like a child now and if you showed any more real emotion you were certain you would be seen as one.. Sighing, you set the coffee on the counter, twisted your fingers in your lap for a moment and gave him one last look. He still didn’t understand, he only wanted to know why you seemed so aggressive when he had just returned, thinking nothing of how it hurt you that he left at all.

“I can’t do this right now,” you said, sliding off the barstool and heading for the bedroom once again, really a place to hide or cry, most likely both. 

“Hey,” Bruce called after you, following you when you ignored him, “hey!”

Gathering yourself, you heard him come through the doorway, never giving up a fight. Closing your eyes, you kept your back to him, not ready to face him with all the emotions rushing through your mind like a vortex. Did he know how many nights you laid awake, left only to hope he’d come home. Or how you knew he was a man fighting amongst gods. His bruises and breaks were more than you could take sometimes even when he claimed he was fine. 

“What’s gotten into you? I just came back,” Bruce tried to defend himself, “all I said was don’t wait up for-”

“I’m not!” You held your hands out turning to face him tensely, “I can’t sleep!” You confessed, feeling you heart race, and hands shake, but you continued, “the nights you’re gone I always worry that you’ll never come home, that you’ll be taken from me, that you’ll push yourself too far. I don’t know...I’m scared that- that I’ll be left to sleep every night alone.” 

Your breath hitched at your last sentence, just the thought made you both anxious and emotional. With a sharp gasp for air, you covered your mouth with your hand, and closed your eyes not wanting to see his reaction to you. Bruce, seeing you so open and vulnerable, only made him realise just how much he needed to come home. 

“Hey,” his tone became a much more comforting one, as his hands slid against the sides of your arms. 

Turning to face him, you noticed the proximity of your lover, and found solace in it. Burying your tears against his chest, hands clinging onto him, you held nothing back. Far too often you were left alone to cry, but now that he was here, you never wanted him to leave you. Confessing everything to him, you hiccuped. Rubbing your back gently, he had to admit he missed holding you. Feeling you cling to him made him feel needed in an entirely different regard to the Bat facade.

Crying subsiding, you pulled back. Sniffling and wiping away your own tears, you kept your gaze down, unsure of what was to come or what you should say. His hand continued to stroke softly up and down your back, but the other came to brush against the side of your cheek with the back of his hand then with his thumb, swiping away a tear. Such a tender moment from him made you take a deep breath, allowing you to take in the moment. 

“I’m okay,” Bruce finally spoke, breaking the silence, “I promise. The bruises will heal.”

“I-I know,” you sighed, “I just- I really worry. The nights you’re gone are so hard.”

A subtle smile pulled at his lips as you looked up through your damp eyelashes, “as long as you’re here, I have a reason, and a responsibility, to come home. And I don’t plan on failing you.”

Smiling softly, you nodded, resting your head against his chest, sliding your arms around his frame. Slipping your hands up the back of his shirt, you heard him wince at the pressure of your fingertips. Biting your lip, your heart hurt.

“That bad?” You furrowed your eyebrows together with concern. 

“I’m fine,” Bruce played it off, smiling at how sweet you were, yet how much you worried, “is that my shirt? Looks pretty good on you, I gotta say.”

“Bruce,” you shook your head at his promiscuous tone, “you need sleep, we both do.”

Chuckling at your sudden commanding tone, he looked you over. You were beautiful. You were his and he knew he hated to see you cry and actually being the source of it was worse. You always gave a smile when you saw him off and gave a welcoming hug when he came home; it was the best way to deal with a hero. But tonight, tonight was the expression needed between a normal relationship, he promised he would be for you when you needed him, as you promised to hold his secrets. 

“Alright,” he agreed, as you pulled back from him he flashed a signature Wayne smirk, “ I get it, you wanna sleep with me.”

With a head tilt and a ridiculous smile, you couldn’t deny it. That damn charm he had. Lifting you up only to set you down on the bed, Bruce made sure to return his shirt you had on to its rightful place: off you and on the floor. Tossing under the sheets, you found your worries leaving and love returning. Smiling, giggling and moaning you were left lying breathless with a smile. 

“I may never understand your rhyme or reason, Mr. Wayne,” you lingeringly kissed the base of his neck, “just promise you’ll come home to me.”

Bruce held you protectively, watching you fall asleep in his arms. Sleep never came so easy to him, he felt a need to stay up, to watch over you. Perhaps he was paranoid harm would find you if he didn’t, it seemed to follow him everywhere after all. He never wanted it to find you, his only glimmer of hope and love, in the dark world he knew too well.

“I promise.” Bruce said quietly to himself, kissing your temple.

[kiara-carrera]

34. Having them as a background/lockscreen with Leah & JJ?

NO BECAUSE I WAS PRAYING SOMEONE WOULD ASK FOR THIS ONE SO THANK YOU FOR FULFILLING MY DREAMS

having them as your lock screen/background: leah + jj

By the time Leah’s eyes fluttered open, the sun was already beginning to set. The blinds on the windows weren’t shuttered fully, letting the last bit of evening light stream into the room, painting orange-y gold stripes across everything in its wake. Her body felt heavy, thick with just broken sleep, her eyelids like little lead weights struggling to function.

A few blinks and a half-stifled yawn were all it took for her to blearily peer around the room. She’d spent the day at the Chateau with JJ and now that she was able to pick out her surroundings as the pull out couch in the living room, she figured that she must have fallen asleep at some point. 

They’d had plans to go surfing, their days off from work matching up for the first time in two weeks, but they’d gotten rained out before they could even leave. A bolt of lightning and a crack of thunder to follow had been the final nail in the coffin.

It hadn’t been all bad — John B was out working for most of the day, having picked up some oddball jobs around the island taking care of some Kook’s property. That had left the Chateau to just Leah and JJ and whatever they chose to get up to.

In no particular order, it had been complaining about the rain, raiding the fridge for snacks, a very intense wrestling match for the last cookie in the cabinet that had ended up with JJ making a crude joke about being pinned down, smoking the last of the weed JJ had gotten off his cousin Ricky, and a whole lot of making out. Leah couldn’t exactly what the last thing had been that led them to be passed out on the couch, but she was pretty sure it involved cuddling if the heavy arm draped across her waist had anything to say about it.

JJ’s face was nuzzled into the crook of her neck, half-buried in her hair as his short little breaths tickled the skin of her shoulder. She couldn’t see his face and didn’t want to risk turning back and waking him up just to look at him, but she could already picture the content little expression he’d be wearing. The thought made her smile a little.

He was always peaceful when he slept — well, at least, he was peaceful when he slept with her. There were numerous times over the years where she caught him fidgeting and turning over every five minutes when he slept alone, but he’d never been like that with her, sleeping soundly like a rock. Whether he was holding her or, the more likely option, she was holding him, he’d always sleep well, face free of the little wrinkle he sometimes got between his brows.

Sighing happily, she let her hand drift down to where JJ’s was slumped against her, slipping her fingers between his as she readjusted her position on the pillow. Leah was all for falling back to sleep, dealing with dinner and going home later if it meant getting more time relaxing with her boyfriend.

Just as her eyes started to slip close, a bright flash of light in front of her startled her back awake. Squinting a bit, she could see where they’d tossed their phones earlier on the couch beside them, JJ’s lighting up with a few notifications.

Yawning, Leah gently slipped her hand off of JJ’s, her hand patting across the bed for his phone almost blindly through her bleary, sleep-ridden vision. John B’s name was the first thing she noticed, a few new messages about how he was getting off early and was planning on bringing some pizza back home for the two of them, which was nothing out of the ordinary.

What did catch her eye though, just as she was about to shoot him a message to get enough for three and that she’d spot him some cash if he got some garlic knots as well, was the semi blurred image of JJ’s lock screen behind the notifications.

Leah wasn’t sure when JJ had changed the standard preset factory wallpaper, but she knew for a fact that whatever she was managing to make out behind John B’s texts was not it. The majority of the image was blocked, only the bottom half of a person in a bikini left somewhat visible.

What in the world ...  she thought to herself, eyes narrowing in confusion.

She swiped her thumb across the screen, getting rid of the notifications with the intent to get to them later. When the last one was deleted, the full picture JJ had set as his lock screen was no longer obstructed or blurred. Leah wasn’t exactly sure what she had been picturing she’d find, but it most definitely wasn’t what she was met with.

A picture of herself that she’d never seen before was smiling back at her. Leah could recognize the marsh in the background and the back end of the Pogue where she was seated, dressed in her favorite yellow daisy printed bikini that had cost a little too much, a wide smile on her face as a can of Natural Light was held precariously in her hand. She wasn’t looking directly at the camera, the photo somewhat candid as she appeared to be laughing at something behind the person taking the picture.

The screen went black but she was quick to click it back on, once again staring at herself. Her cheeks felt warm as the reality of the situation set in, a pleasant flush that complimented the sudden fast pace of her heartbeat.

He’d made her his lock screen and she felt a smile threaten to break across her face at the pure surprise of it all.

There were things that JJ was and things that he wasn’t. A mild kleptomaniac, a fierce friend, a scrappy fighter, her best friend, and a damn good boyfriend if her biased opinion meant anything — those were things he was. But the kind of boyfriend that made his significant other his phone’s background? Yeah, that seemed like it bordered more along the lines of cheesy romcom shit that he’d make fun of.

Hell, they barely even took pictures together. There were the occasional Snapchats they’d take lying in bed goofing around late at night and there were some pictures in her bedside table from when they were younger, crinkled at the corners. And she had some pictures that Kie had managed to snap at the last second before either noticed, a few candids of them being “disgustingly adorable” as their friend had put it.

Any other photos she had of JJ were just of him. Some were of him doing stupid shit that she compiled over the years, sometimes with John B or Pope making cameos. Some were the Snaps he’d send her that she deemed either dumb enough or hot enough to be screenshotted (which was always followed up by a teasing text message from him that would get a prompt middle finger emoji in reply).

She wouldn’t be surprised if he had pictures of her on his phone, more than likely of her dumb Snapchats she didn’t want screenshots taken of (she knew for a fact he had the picture of her ugly crying to a Disney movie she watched a month ago because he’d started using it as a meme when texting her). But she wasn’t really sure how many pictures he’d realistically keep of her.

JJ wasn’t romantic in any traditional sense. Making someone their wallpaper just seemed very out of place in their relationship. So yeah, she was definitely thrown for a loop seeing herself on his phone, partially obscured by the clock displaying the late hour.

Her heart fluttered in her chest, though. Leah wasn’t anywhere near complaining. She was mildly confused, but it was a happy little surprise for her as warmth flooded her chest, another bout of pure adoration for the boy behind her at the sweet little gesture he’d done in secret.

Biting down on her lip to contain the wide grin on her face, she tapped in JJ’s ridiculous passcode (yes, it was 42069 for anyone wondering), replying to John B about extra pizza and garlic bread. A thumbs up was sent in response, leading Leah to lock the phone and toss it back beside her own where she’d found it.

Shuffling in JJ’s arms, Leah managed to gently nudge his head from her neck so she could turn herself around until she was facing him. He was still asleep, gentle little breaths escaping him. It was hard not to look at him and have her heart swell. Absentmindedly, her hand drifted up, fingers running through his hair as she silently admired him. She’d just found such a simple little thing that he’d done, but nothing was stopping her insides from melting and becoming all gooey over the boy in front of her.

That was just something so uniquely JJ, the ability to have her just become a puddle from the tiniest sweet gesture. Most of them were always unexpected — she’d been his best friend longer than she’d been his girlfriend and not once had she ever really imagined him being as soft as he was when it was just them alone, but she appreciated every second of it.

She’d looked happy and carefree in that picture on his phone and there was just a rush of emotions knowing he thought the picture was good enough to want to see it every time he went for his phone. It might have been dumb, but it made her feel pretty in a way she normally didn’t and adored in a way she’d only ever seen in fairytales or movies.

“Keep staring like that and it’s gonna cost you,” JJ mumbled suddenly, his tired voice startling her just a bit. One of his eyes was opened just a smidge, a sleepy smug grin spreading across his lips as he caught her eyeing him. “I’ll give you a discount for being hot, though.”

A laugh escaped her, eyes rolling as JJ began tugging her closer into him, head falling to her neck again as he pressed a kiss to the skin of her jaw.

“John B’s on his way home,” she whispered to him, gentle as she brushed back some of his hair from his forehead. “He’s bringing pizza.”

He paused in his ministrations, turning his head to peer up at her. “Did you tell him to get garlic knots?”

“The knots have been secured.”

An appreciative groan left him, another kiss pressed to her throat. “You’re the fucking best.”

She giggled again, happily squirming against him as he returned to kissing every spare inch of skin he could find on her neck and jawline. He was already a bit of an attention whore when they were alone, but sleepy JJ was a whole other level of cuddly and affectionate, a side of him that was reserved only for Leah.

They fell into silence, JJ still leaving little open mouth kisses on her skin, his hand drifting down to rub the exposed strip of skin between her shirt and shorts. The movement was comforting, her heart fluttering even more as she fiddled with his hair.

“J?”

“I know,” he mumbled against her neck, not stopping his movements. “No hickeys where your dad can see.”

“What? No — wait, actually yes, but that’s not what I was gonna ask ... when did you take that picture of me?”

He paused once again, although this time it seemed more like he froze against her. Leah pursed her lips together, trying her best not to laugh as he awkwardly asked, “What picture?”

Pulling herself back a bit, Leah gave him a knowing look. “The one of me on your lock screen.”

JJ groaned, eyes squeezing shut. The thing about JJ was it took a whole lot to embarrass him. He took most things in stride, letting everything roll off his back. More often than not, he was the one saying things to embarrass other people — usually Leah. Whether they were jokes or dumb innuendos, JJ was the one dishing it out and if something actually did manage to embarrass him, there was a fifty-fifty shot you wouldn’t even know.

But right now, Leah could see a rush of discomfort wash over him as he was caught red-handed being a softie. She thought it was cute.

“Kie took it a few weeks ago,” JJ replied after a moment of thought, slightly sheepish as he began fiddling with a lock of her hair. “Asked her to send it to me.”

“Really?”

He shrugged. “Saw her take it. I don’t know, you looked nice. Liked looking at it.”

His words were brief, but the simple thought behind it made her heart speed up again. JJ wasn’t good with words and emotions, something she knew from their years as just friends, something even he’d told her himself. He wasn’t good with words, but he was great with actions. There were hundreds of little things she could think of that were just purely JJ’s way of showing that he cared. This was one of them and while his reasoning wasn’t the most articulate, Leah’s heart felt like it was going to fucking burst.

“If it’s weird, I can change it.”

JJ’s words caught her off guard, her head shaking rapidly. “What? No, no. I don’t care. It’s sweet,” she told him. And then, almost as an afterthought, she softly added, “Makes me feel pretty.”

Even in his sleep-induced haze, eyes still not quite focused in the dim late evening sun streaming through the blinds, JJ still squinted at her in confusion. “You are pretty.”

Yup, there goes her fucking heart.

She smiled softly at him, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek. Leah could feel him smile against her, his hand still twisting her hair around his finger. 

They laid like that for another moment, before a smug little grin crossed Leah’s lips. “So I guess this means you’ve officially earned your simp card.”

JJ groaned at the ruined moment, rolling away from her to flop onto his back. Eyes narrowed, he firmly told her, “I am not a simp.”

“You totally fucking are,” Leah chided. Laughing, she shifted around the couch until she was sitting up. Swinging a leg over him, she promptly deposited herself in his lap, sitting on top of him while he continued to pout at her like a child. Teasingly, she added, “Looks to me like someone has a big fat crush on me.”

“I’m tossing your ass on the floor.”

“I’m sure you will,” she told him dryly, grinning as she swept her hair over one shoulder before leaning down to kiss him.

[wickedsingularity]

Can’t Sleep Without You [One-shot]

Fandom: Star Trek Pairings/characters: Jim Kirk x reader (but not really), Leonard McCoy, mention of Spock Words: 2359 Warnings: Use of medication, use of possible addictive medication, insomnia, nightmares, almost graphic description of a disturbing dream

Note: A somewhat self-indulgent story that I posted a little while ago, but had panic about after a few hours and then deleted. It felt too personal, too self-indulgent, amongst other things. I planned on giving it some time, and then rewrite it so it was less personal. I did give it time, but I haven't rewritten it, just edited. And now I'm giving it another go, hoping that I don't panic this time around and telling myself so fucking what if it's self-indulgent. And hopefully people enjoy it because I do like this story.

Summary: Having suffered from insomnia for a long time, Jim is the only thing that manages to calm me enough to function when it gets bad. But Jim is off on a mission...

"You look like something the cat dragged in, Commander."

"Thanks a lot, Doctor." I glared up at Leonard McCoy as he towered over me. Even if I couldn't stand the stuff, I was now on my third cup of coffee of the day. But I was also on my fourth day of barely any sleep, and I was desperate for something to keep me alert.

"Have you had trouble sleeping again?"

I downed the last of the coffee, cringing as the bitter liquid made its way down and sat the cup down on my empty lunch tray. I closed my eyes for a moment and grit my teeth, trying not to snap at the obvious question. "Looks that way."

The doctor sat down at the other side of the table and looked at me with worry, not even phased by my annoyance. "I've seen you getting worse the last few days, Commander. Why haven't you come to see me?"

"What you gave me three days ago made me wake up after four hours with a nightmare from hell. I'm still seeing ghosts in broad daylight."

He pursed his lips. "Please stop by the medbay at 2200 hours. We'll try something else."

I sighed, knowing that there was only one thing that would help, and it was not something our Chief Medical Officer could provide no matter how good he was. But I nodded. "Yes, doc." Then I pulled myself to my feet, grabbed the tray and went to put it back in the replicator for recycling.

For as long as I could remember, I'd had some form of insomnia. It hadn't been a problem when I was younger, I had been more energetic, more durable, not to mention more careless. But as I got older it got worse. Most of the time I managed to keep it under control, but sometimes it took on a life of its own. And when it did that, there was no medication, meditation or treatment that worked better than the captain of the ship, my boyfriend.

There was just something about Jim that calmed my mind like nothing else.

Funnily enough, insomnia was what brought us together. I had been wandering around the ship one night, after several nights of little sleep. Finding myself in the briefing room, I had sat down in the chair reserved for the captain, put my feet up on the table and gazed out at the streaking stars. After a few minutes of silence, the door had slid open and Captain Kirk had walked in. We were already on friendly terms, so I hadn't bothered taking my feet off the table or giving him the chair, even when he made a joke about it being his.

He'd been having trouble sleeping too, claiming his mind was running at warp 5 after an exhausting meeting in that very briefing room earlier in the day. He'd chosen to go back there in the hopes that it would clear his head.

We sat next to each other, him in the First Officer's chair and I kept occupying his, and chatted for a while. All the while we both seemed to gravitate more and more towards each other and I got sleepier at the same time, until I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder. He had gathered me up in his arms and ordered a site to site transport, dropped me off on my bed and pulled a blanket over me, before going back to his quarters, falling asleep as well. After that, our friendship had shifted and things escalated quickly from there.

Now though, he and Spock and several admirals were trying to work out a peace treaty between the Federation and the Klingon Empire. We had dropped them off on a colony near the Neutral Zone and had then gone off to survey a newborn nebula a couple of systems over. We weren't scheduled to go back for them for another two or three days, the trip itself took a whole day. And my body was kind enough to refuse to sleep properly without Jim now, no matter how much in control of the insomnia I was.

I made it through the day somehow, with at least two more disgusting cups of coffee. Thankfully, there was more than enough to do in Engineering that I decided to not leave once my shift was over, it was better to keep working than sitting in my quarters and feeling like I had been in the middle of a warp core breach. As soon as Jim and Spock came back, Starfleet wanted us to check out an uninhabited planet that a passing cargo ship had detected held large deposits of deuterium and our long-range sensors had detected too much atmospheric disturbance for transporting, so we had to adjust the shielding on several shuttlepods. I was barely conscious when I stumbled into the medbay at 2200 hours.

"Not looking any better, I see." Bones appeared out of nowhere and would have scared the daylights out of me if I hadn't been so sluggish.

"Your bedside manners are always so lovely."

He ushered me over to a biobed and pulled a tricorder from one of his pockets.

"There's no need to scan me. We both know what's wrong. Just give me what you think I need and I'll be off." I looked at the tricorder with annoyance.

He didn't answer but started scanning me anyway, so I sat there patiently, closing my tired eyes and listening to the whirring of the device. "It's a wonder they haven't found a cure for this yet, after 200 years of research," he muttered to himself.

I looked up at him and saw him analysing the results. "You've found a cure for some pretty serious viruses on your career, why don't you find the cure for this?" I argued.

"This isn't a virus, sweetheart."

"Still, I'm sure you're brilliant enough to find a solution." Bones always said that flattery would get you nowhere with him, but I found that more often than not, he enjoyed having his ego stroked. He was that good too.

He just huffed and went over to a cabinet. I saw him pull out a vial and fill up a hypospray. "I know you have tried this before and it didn't work so well. But that was a few years ago, it might work better for you now." I nodded and obediently bared my neck to him. One touch of the cold metal to my skin and it was done. "I want you to go straight to bed now. It should work quickly and you have to be in bed when it does."

"Yes, sir."

It did not work. Or, I did sleep through the night, but the dreams had me waking up more exhausted than if I hadn't slept at all. It had been worse than last time, the irrational, weird and disgusting dreams had just come at me, one after the other. I would honestly prefer good old-fashioned nightmares over this. I called Bones as soon as I had showered away the night and he was at my door by the time I had dressed.

"Sit down," he barked, the tricorder out and a deep furrow between his brows. "What happened?"

I told him all about the night, even gave him some snippets of the nasty dreams for emphasis, each one of them still crystal clear and disturbing in my mind. The way he cringed at some of it, told me just how disturbing they had been. It wasn't normal to dream that you're pooping out severed arms, after all. *

"This is very strange," he said after he was done scanning. "Barely any light or deep sleep at all. Dream sleep almost all night. I've heard about a few phenomena that cause a person to not have any dream sleep at all, but not nothing but dream sleep. You're not getting any more of this medication, and I'm making a note in your medical file."

I sighed, trying to think about what I could do to help myself that night. But Bones had suddenly gone very quiet. I looked up at him and there was a deep furrow between his brows, his eyes gazing down at the tricorder, but it looked like he was mentally lightyears away. "What's wrong, doc?"

He didn't react right away, but then he blinked and looked down at me. "There is something we can try, but it can be highly addictive if the dosage is off by even a fraction. Call Scotty and tell him you'll be a bit late. I need to take some blood for analysing."

All through that day, I felt a bit apprehensive about what Bones was planning on giving me later. And I missed Jim so much it ached. This was the worst it had been without him and it was also the longest we had gone without each other since we got together. I missed him because of his absence, of course. But in my sleep-deprived state, it felt a million times worse. It felt like there was a gaping, bleeding hole inside me where he should be. I needed him to calm my mind, to kiss me and tell me it's okay if I can't sleep, that I'll sleep when I'm ready and he would be there with me all the while. I needed him to breathe with me. I needed to feel him. He was able to relax me enough that I could function.

After working well past my shift again and forcing down too many cups of coffee, I forced back tears of exhaustion and desperation and went to the medbay, got the mysterious hypospray and went straight to bed.

Apart from the fact that I woke up every ten to fifteen minutes, this one worked a lot better. In the morning, I felt less like I had been hit with a meteor shower and more like I had just tumbled through a thick atmosphere without a spacesuit. Bones came to check up on me in engineering after lunch and I asked if I could get a higher dosage, hoping that maybe that would finally be what helped me sleep through the night. But he refused, he had given me as much as my body could handle without becoming addicted or suffering other nasty side effects. In defeat, I told him if I couldn't have a higher dosage, I didn't want it at all. Then I started counting the hours until Jim came home, and drank all the coffee I could stomach so I wouldn't feel like a zombie.

I was just starting to doze off. It was probably just an hour or so until my alarm, but I let sleep take me. I would take anything I could get. What felt like just a minute later though, the computer spoke to me.

"The time is 0630 hours. The time is 0630 hours."

"No no no," I moaned in annoyance, screwing my eyes shut to the illumination in the room becoming stronger. But then a pair of lips landed on my cheek.

"Forgot to turn that off," someone said.

I didn't process this right away, but in the back of my head I knew that voice and knew it was important, so I forced myself to open my eyes to the way too bright room. Jim was there next to me and judging by his one barely open eye, he had just woken up too. "Hi..."

My heart was beating wildly in my chest, the room seemed to be spinning a little, my vision getting blurry, but then he smiled with his eyes closed and started to clumsily kiss my cheek and jaw and everything cleared up.

"When did you come home?" I whispered.

Jim didn't answer but kept trying to kiss me, but he was struggling, he too seemed exhausted, not able to aim. "A while. Laid down minutes ago. Tired. Want lips."

I made a happy sound and rolled around to face him. He opened his eyes a fraction, revealing the brilliant blue I loved so much. His lips landed on my nose, then my cheek before finally finding my lips. The gaping aching hole inside me seemed to vanish. I moved closer, pressing my lips and my body to his and everything inside me seemed to settle down, mind was quiet, all tension washed away. When I needed air, I pulled back just enough so I could stare into his eyes and see every little shade of blue in them. "You're home."

"The time is 0635 hours. The time is 0635 hours."

"Home and tired." His breath washed over me when he spoke and I wanted to breathe nothing but him for the rest of my life.

"Ditto. Haven't slept since you left."

"I know, Bones told me. I'm so sorry, Supernova."

"'s okay. Just missed you." My voice broke, and all the frustrations from the past week made a few tears fall. Jim snuck one of his arms around my waist and I moved even closer, burying my face into his neck, breathing in the smell of stars and nebulas and galaxies. "How were the peace talks?" I asked between lazy kisses to the soft skin on the side of his neck.

Jim didn't reply right away. Instead, he kissed my hair, breathing it in for a moment. "Exhausting. I'll tell you all about it later."

"The time is 0640 hours. The time is 0640 hours."

"Have to get up," I mumbled against his skin, but my entire body felt like lead in Jim's arms.

"Computer, turn off the alarm." A gentle beep confirmed it was now turned off. Then Jim pulled back just enough to look into my eyes. "Bones told me to tell you that he has declared you not fit for duty today and that he has ordered bed rest, and if you disobey his orders, he will not hesitate to have you strapped to a biobed with a force field."

I blinked. "But..."

"And your Captain concurs. He recommends you spend the day with him in bed and sleep." He was grinning at me. "He's been flying fancy admirals in a shuttle all night and is in need of some tender loving care from the love of his life."

I knew there were things I had to do in Engineering. It would take time and almost all the Engineering staff to get the shuttlepods ready in time for exploring the deuterium planet. But as I looked into Jim's eyes, I felt exhaustion all the way to my bone marrow, and there was no point arguing with that, or the Captain and the Chief Medical Officer. I teared up with relief and buried my face in Jim's neck again.

Jim settled down on his back and pulled me halfway on top of him. I swallowed down my emotions and rested my head on his shoulder, tangled my legs with his, and laid my arm across his stomach. Peace filled me and I barely had time to mumble love you before I was fast asleep.

Note: * Yes, I have actually dreamed that as a side effect of taking melatonin.

[catboymingi]

pretty boy

navi/masterlist

pairing: mingi x reader

genre: fluff with some slightly angsty short moments; best friends to lovers

word count: 3.7k

warnings: slight language warning, a teeny tiny bit suggestive once if you squint, but it never gets hot or steamy

if you’d known that calling mingi ‘pretty boy’ would finally make him make a move you’d done it much earlier

cuddling mingi was one of your favourite pastimes, had been ever since you got over the weird awkwardness that had been around when you first became close enough to hug each other but not yet comfortable enough to not wonder if it was weird that sixteen-year-old platonic friends were hugging each other. you’d met him when you transferred to his school at age sixteen and he’d taken it upon himself to make sure you didn’t feel excluded, forcibly making you befriend him - you’d really had no choice, he would come up to you daily, tell you about his day and try to make you feel welcome - and once you had befriended him forcibly making you befriend his friends, too. it had been awkward at first because you didn’t have any “best friends since kindergarten” stories, so you were hyperaware of the impression you would leave if you were to be more touchy than a hello and a goodbye hug.

that awkwardness had first subsided during a movie night with the boys, where mingi, stupid as he was, had suggested a horror movie so he could protect you, but in the end he’d begged you to not go home yet because he was scared the killer that was without a doubt waiting for his next victim outside was going to kill you if you stepped foot out of his apartment, because unlike his friends you’d refused to get a taxi, had insisted that you lived close enough to just walk, and you’d agreed to stay for a little longer so he’d feel better, thinking that it was only the post-movie anxiety that would subside in at most an hour. you’d ended up staying the entire night, though, because your friend had refused to let you go home even after that hour, and it was then you realised that he was actually scared. so you’d agreed to stay the night, thinking you’d be sleeping on the couch - which you did -, by yourself - which you didn’t, because a certain peach-haired giant had crawled into your arms after maybe twelve minutes (he’d counted, and decided that upwards of ten minutes was enough time to try to fall asleep by yourself) and you’d ended up having to protect him rather than vice versa.

you were kind of grateful for this, because it had gotten rid of the awkwardness of it all, and after that first time of cuddling you’d been much less shy about physical affection, and it was due to this that mingi got upgraded from friend to best friend.

that had been three years now, the house where you’d cuddled with him for the first time only still being a cuddle location if his parents invited both of you over from the dorms you now lived in to stay a night because they missed you, instead both of your dorm rooms had become the preferred locations.

this was where you were now, too, being spooned by your big best friend as he was slowly waking up. you’d been awake a little longer already, usually an incredibly early riser so your body made you wake up at six in the morning by yourself, but you hadn’t wanted to bother mingi so you’d just dozed on and off until he’d be waking up, too. to your dismay, though, he was shuffling behind you, and you felt a small issue against your backside. technically, you knew morning wood was a thing, and you knew mingi was definitely way too sleepy right now to be feeling anything other than the innocent desire to cuddle and sleep some more, so you didn’t think too much about any potential hidden meaning behind it. he’d never tried to make a move, and because you’d first gotten to know each other after both of you had already halfway been through puberty you were pretty certain that if he did want to make a move he would, simply because there was no decade-long friendship to ruin. it wouldn’t be awkward if he’d see you as a potential partner rather than the kid he grew up with, because he hadn’t grown up with you. so you were convinced it didn’t actually mean anything to him. you knew for a fact that this didn’t mean anything suggestive. but untechnically it certainly didn’t help the embarrassing crush you had on him, nor did the proximity to his warm, bare chest, because it was summer and summer meant shirtless mingi and shorts and a tank top for you rather than the soft fleece pyjamas you opted for when the weather started getting worse.

“sorry”, he mumbled against you as he, too, realised his problem, calmly and completely free of embarrassment after that first time he’d woken up like this and had near pushed you off the bed in an attempt to hide the fact that a part of him was just a horny teen, unaware of the fact that you’d realised that about five minutes before he did because you’d been awake for ages. in order to avoid being actually kicked off the bed in the future you’d told him that you didn’t care, and he’d slowly become less embarrassed because this was just how his body worked, not something he could control. 

“don’t worry”, you mumbled back, shifting around in his hold now that you knew he was awake so you could face him.

“how’d you sleep?”

“not long enough”, he groaned, his deep voice a little whiny as he told you about how it had taken him what felt like years to fall asleep.

“sleep some more”, you suggested, turning around again so you were now on your back and looking at him as you patted your shoulder, “come here.”

you didn’t have to tell him twice, his messy bedhead hair tickling your chin a little as he adjusted himself on the spot between your shoulder and your chest, his favourite cuddle position even though he’d never admit it.

“wake me up latest when it’s lunch time”, he ordered before he closed his eyes, nuzzling into your side some more for ultimate comfort as he let himself drift back to sleep, as confirmed by the fact that he’d apparently neglected to fully close his mouth, so you felt a teeny tiny wet spot on your shirt after a few minutes of him drooling on you. not that you minded, though, you thought it was endearing how the big, scary mingi was such a baby sometimes. it only made your embarrassing crush grow bigger, the comfortableness of it all, how natural it felt. he looked really pretty like this, too, pretty and absolutely adorable, as you saw when you wanted to play on your phone to pass the time, catching sight of his reflection in the black screen before you unlocked it, and because you were an idiot and couldn’t stop yourself you took a picture of him, where he was laying on your chest with his mouth slightly agape and sleeping peacefully.

sleeping peacefully until your phone made an uncharacteristically loud ‘click!’ sound, making you realise that you must have turned up the system sounds rather than your media in your sleepy haze the night before, but it was too late to change anything as mingi first grumbled, then shifted around, and then he lifted his head with the intention to look at you, but your phone screen was a more interesting sight, he decided, his embarrassing drooling face on full display.

“delete that!”, he whined while he tried to grab your phone, but sadly you had the advantage of being on your back so you could hold it out of reach, and he was still too sleepy to fight you for the phone. he would definitely do that later, though.

“no”, you refused, turning off your phone with the one hand you had available so he wouldn’t be able to delete it for you even if he did manage to steal your phone, because he’d need the pin code first.

“why should i delete that? i have lots of pictures of you.”

“yeah, but you just took that one so you can forever blackmail me about how stupid i look.”

mingi was genuinely convinced that was why. never in a thousand years had it occurred to him that you’d think he was cute, that you’d think he looked good even when his hair wasn’t slicked back but messily standing in all directions, even when his face was puffy and his tired eyes even smaller than usual. he was convinced he looked stupid, and he was convinced you’d use that picture to get him to buy you mcdonald’s at three in the night when it was freezing outside so obviously you couldn’t go yourself but would have no issue sending him out into the merciless cold.

“you don’t look stupid though!”, you insisted, having to stop yourself before you burst out an embarrassing compliment that might make things really awkward.

“i do! just look at my idiot expression, i look like a total imbecile.”

“you look pretty, shut up.”

there it was. the compliment you’d tried to keep yourself from cooing at him ever since you first caught sight of his adorably pouty sleeping face. and of course he wouldn’t just let it slip, either, his own embarrassing crush raising its hopeful head.

“pretty?”, though he masked the giddiness he felt with a teasing tone as he propped himself up on his elbows to look at you with a forced mischievous expression, one he wore to keep himself from smiling like an idiot.

“pretty.”

you’d have to just play along, act like it was a plain fact rather than you being way more in love with him than a best friend should be, so you continued: “now shut up about looking stupid, pretty boy.”

and if you hadn’t been so embarrassed yourself you would most definitely have noticed how much this affected him before he started stammering, because he blushed all the way up to the tips of his ears, leaving him looking a little more tan than he already was, skin a mix of a warm brown and a slight sunburn-adjacent red from the blood rushing to his face.

“pre- pretty boy?”

while you’d intended to play it cool that was impossible now he was staring at you in shock, seemingly entirely taken aback by the nickname.

“sorry”, you apologised, thinking he was upset rather than incredibly flustered and hopeful and happy, thinking now you’d most definitely made things weird.

“why are you apologising?”

“that was weird. kind of out of place”, avoiding his eyes as you spoke because you didn’t want to see him make fun of you for being weird and apparently incredibly whipped for him, as you expected he’d do. not even out of malice, he just sometimes didn’t immediately realise when a situation was serious for you, or rather how serious it was so he’d crack a joke or tease you - though he’d always apologise profusely once he realised his joking or teasing had hurt you.

“it wasn’t. just didn’t expect you to think i’m pretty when i was looking like a doofus. or like, at all.”

because he was insecure about his looks, genuinely, especially when you’d seen him so many times where he’d looked like an absolute mess, crying his eyes out over tangled, or ketchup or whipped cream all over his face because he’d wanted to convince you he could fit some random food into his mouth in its entirety, lots of situations he’d found himself overthinking later and that he found himself wanting to kick himself in the ass about for probably having made you think that he just knew how to sell himself in public but was actually average-looking at best.

“who says you can’t be a doofus and pretty at once though?”, something you were only able to say because your need to make him stop self deprecating was stronger than your embarrassment about complimenting him the way you were doing now.

“i say”, he informed you, still not able to believe that you genuinely thought he was pretty even when he wasn’t trying to be.

“and i say you’re pretty. if i have to pick just one then you’re a pretty boy and not a doofus.”

by now it was impossible for him to act cool when he was embarrassed like this, so his head landed face first in the pillow next to you, hiding himself from you because he didn’t want to have you see that he was a lovestruck idiot getting way more affected by what he assumed to be a silly nickname than he should be. though forcefully slamming his face into the bed wasn’t exactly a cool, unbothered guy’s behaviour either.

and “sorry” you apologised again, scared with every new sentence you said that that one would be the one to overdo it.

mingi just groaned into the pillow, annoyed with himself that even now he couldn’t get himself to say anything at all to in the very least hint at that he liked you, but you interpreted the groan as a reaction aimed towards what you’d said, insecurity and regret taking over as you realised that you were a fucking idiot and that you’d have to leave right now if you didn’t want to ruin your friendship. so you shuffled in the bed, sat up and were about to leave the bed when your best friend’s hand shot out to grab your wrist and keep you there with him, surprising both you and him.

and he surprised both of you even more when, once he’d seen the insecure, no, scared expression on your face, he pulled you back into the bed by the wrist, making you fall more than you were voluntarily laying down, and then he propped himself up from where he was on his side and now facing you who’d landed on your side too, shifting to turn you to your back so he could keep himself up on his elbows with his upper body hovering over you, caged by one of his arms on either side of your torso.

the surprise became unmatched when he finally made the move he’d been wanting to make for at least two years now, crashing his lips onto yours not exactly carefully because he was scared his bravery would leave him if he didn’t act immediately and fast, but his whole demeanour softened after a few seconds when you still hadn’t made any attempt to push him away, hoping that keeping himself up on one arm would work, that the strength in this one arm would be enough to keep his upper body from crushing you as the other moved to your head with the intention to cup your face, but got distracted by how soft the hair was that was spread out on the pillow, so instead he was twirling it around his finger.

if he could he wouldn’t ever have moved away, simply because the situation was one he’d wanted for so long, but his arm - the one that was carrying his entire weight - started hurting and threatened to give in, so he had to roll himself off of you, laying on his back so he wouldn’t have to see whatever expression of rejection or, even worse, disgust might be on your face.

“sorry”, it was his turn to apologise, closing his eyes just in case, really not wanting to see the exact moment you’d tell him he’d just fucked up your friendship.

“sorry”, you said, too, though you weren’t even sure why you were apologising, and your apology confused him as well, so he asked: “why are you apologising?”

“i don’t know. why are you?”

“i feel like i just messed up really bad”, he admitted, his face still turned towards the ceiling, heart beating rapidly and he didn’t know whether it was adrenaline or anxiety.

“we can pretend that didn’t happen if you regret it”, you offered, though your heart hurt at the suggestion. you didn’t want to pretend that hadn’t happened. you wanted to do it again.

“do you regret it?”, mingi asked after he’d rolled to his side because now he wanted to see your face, even if it would hurt. he wanted to see if you were lying.

“no”, you told him quietly, “i’m just scared that maybe i should. i kind of regret not regretting it because i’m scared now things will be weird because i don’t regret it but you do. i don’t know.”

you knew that maybe you should have lied to him, pretend to regret it, but you didn’t want to. part of you was glad it was finally out, even if it would mean that now your friendship was ruined. you were glad you didn’t have to keep pretending that all the nights you spent cuddled up to him, all the times he’d hold your hands and blow on them to warm them up in winter, all those cute things didn’t mean anything more to you than just that he was your best friend. in a way, you were glad the slight emotional torture you found yourself in whenever he was acting particularly sweet was finally over. even if only because he wouldn’t be acting sweet with you anymore.

“i don’t regret it”, voice quiet and serious, his eyes looking straight into yours to let you know that he was serious.

“so you’d…”

you weren’t able to finish the sentence immediately, trying to gather the courage to ask what your heart longed to ask.

“you’d do it again?”

it seemed impossible that the cocky girl that had just called him pretty boy earlier as if it was the most natural thing was the same girl that was now shyly asking him if he’d kiss her again, but she was. you were shy because now you couldn’t play it off as joking anymore, and that made it harder. he could break your heart right here if he wanted to.

but he didn’t want to. he didn’t want to answer, either, opting to pull you closer with a soft hand on the back of your head so he could reach your lips again, kissing you once more to show that yes, he would.

“do you regret it now?”, mingi asked you insecurely when he pulled away the second time, scared that now he’d crossed a line he shouldn’t have crossed, but you shook your head, and finally you admitted your feelings.

“i’ve kind of been in love with you for a while anyway. i don’t know how long, but i realised that one time during summer break when you tried to shove an entire ball of ice cream into your mouth that i probably fell for you along the way. so it’s kind of something i’ve wanted since then.”

your best friend was surprised by this, because that meant you’d realised just shortly after he’d had to stop himself from kissing you that one time you jokingly puckered your lips at him to tease him, something that only got harder to resist the more time went on.

“me too”, he admitted, and then he started rambling out of… not embarrassment, but a strong feeling of being vulnerable and the resulting desire to shift the focus away from being on his emotions only.

“with you, i mean. and not since then, kind of a little longer, but you’ve always just acted friendly so i didn’t want to ruin it. being your friend is better than not even being anything, so i didn’t want to risk anything. it was fine, i was happy to be your friend, i would’ve just maybe been happier to be your boyfriend, or-”

then he covered his mouth with his hand as realisation of what he’d just said hit him, embarrassment taking over once more, along with the fear of rejection.

“would you still be happier now?”, with a mixture of insecurity and curiosity in your voice as your beautiful, shining eyes looked straight into his wide open ones.

“uh, i mean, yeah, i would, but it’s fine”, he stuttered, unsure of what to say. was it really that easy? though maybe making you almost leave, kissing you without even asking if you wanted him to, both of you fearing that the friendship was irreparably ruined before you two struggled out a confession that might maybe lead to you dating wasn’t exactly the easiest, if you really thought about it.

“i’d be happier if you were, too.”

“i can be. should i be?”

and when you hummed “mhm”, as much of a yes as you could get yourself to voice right now because you were still a little scared all of this was one long, sick joke, he felt like he might explode with happiness.

“but then i want to set that picture as my phone background”, you added. “please. i’ll delete it if you really want me to, though”, although the thought of that made you sad because you thought it was so cute and domestic, and it would forever remind you of this moment and how you’d finally started dating mingi after years of what turned out to be mutual pining.

and he saw the frown, the small pout on your face as you told him you’d delete it, noticed the way your voice got that watery tone it always got when you were really sad but pretending not to be, and he knew that even if he did really, really want you to delete it he’d never be able to make himself tell you that. not when your lip was quivering slightly, a sure sign that you would burst out crying any moment if he didn’t tell you it was okay immediately.

“keep it. but not your lock screen, please, let me keep some of my dignity.”

the trembling of your lip stopped, the little lines on your forehead smoothed out as you stopped frowning, and mingi let out an inaudible relieved sigh. emergency avoided.

then, because he was still thinking about what you’d said earlier, the thing that had made him get his hopes up enough to finally make that damned first move, he asked you: “you really think i’m pretty?”

“probably the prettiest boy i’ve ever seen. and now you’re my boyfriend”, in awe as if you still couldn’t believe it. neither could he, to be honest.

and now he was your boyfriend.

[ravenbrenna09]

Jij Verliest - Chapter One: Clip #1

master list teaser

...

Zaterdag 9:31

Lying awake in his bed, Robbe could hear the gentle shuffling of the flatshare in the morning.

Across the hall, the adjacent bedroom door opened and closed quietly. The floorboards creaked as someone made their way towards the kitchen (likely Zoë, his tired mind realized). Sunlight spilled in from the bay window in Robbe’s room. Due to the position of his bed against the opposite wall, he was free from the sun’s rays for a little while longer, but he was still wide awake. But the sun shined on everything else in his room; his untouched surfboard tucked behind his dresser, the skateboard against the windowsill. It even managed to touch his desk, positioned in the corner, with his two monitors and game systems, which still looked the same as Robbe left it last night, a little messy and disorganized from his late-night Friday stream.

Laying on his bed while his music lightly played a song that he mostly tuned out, Robbe could still hear the chatter of the growing crowd beneath his window, increasing in volume as time drew on and more and more people left the safety of their apartments to bask in the sunshine. Somewhere near the kitchen, he could hear the distant chatter of Milan and Zoë in the kitchen and the static of the television as someone flipped it on. All around him, the world signaled that it was time for Robbe to drag himself out of bed, to make sure that everything was going as it was meant to, and to get some food before he prepared for his afternoon stream or did some homework for the upcoming week.

But Robbe stayed planted in his bed, his gray sheets twisted around his waist, and twirling his phone in his head, unable to will himself to roll out of the comfort it provided. His alarm clock on the nightside next to his bed flashed bright red numbers—9:31—at him and the chatter in the kitchen had gotten louder. The smell of Milan’s favorite coffee filled the air, wafting into his bedroom, along with the sound of sizzling food as all three of his roommates chattered in the kitchen.  

But Robbe just felt empty. 

In the past three months, the world had carried on in a way that Robbe expected it to, just moving along on the continuous cycle that life crafted for them. But, somehow, he felt stuck—his feet cemented into the floor as the rest of the world spun around him like a tornado. The reality of the situation is that Robbe was stuck because the world had moved on. His friends had moved on, and they tried to bring him along with them, but Robbe always found himself doubling back, circling back around to the constant in his life that he felt was missing from his new present. 

Thomas.

Thomas Martens was Robbe’s boyfriend of a year and six months. While not the first man that Robbe had ever been with, Thomas had been, fundamentally, Robbe’s first serious relationship. All of his other boyfriends (and, in parts of high school, girlfriends) had only lasted a couple of months or less. It was nothing serious, just a few dates here and there, texts, maybe some risky ones, and then they would just split apart. Sometimes, it was mutual. Sometimes, it was circumstantial. Sometimes, it was Robbe’s brain exploding inside his skull. But they’d separate and move past the fork in the road that was the end of the relationship. 

With Thomas, it had been his first real relationship. Thomas had met his mother and they had gotten along swimmingly. Robbe had met his family and Thomas’s little sister half-demanded that Robbe would help her with her science homework every time he would come over. All of their friends got along well (with the exception of Jens who, in private, admitted that Robbe could do better). Their relationship was peaceful—some arguments, no fights that shook the walls, and they had even considered possibly moving in together after they reached the two-year mark. Their relationship was almost perfect. 

Almost.

Somewhere, the foundation of their relationship had cracked. Robbe could feel Thomas starting to pull away and his job was forcing him to stay at work later and later. It had frightened Robbe, because he had witnessed his father slowly pulling away until he walked out the door and his mother hit the hardest rock-bottom that she ever would. Without really meaning to, Robbe clung a little tighter to Thomas and their relationship. He subconsciously tried to be everything that Thomas needed, but he couldn’t—they weren’t working the same anymore, and so about three months ago, they had broken it off. 

While Robbe was still deeply rooted in the epicenter of the twisting tornado of change, Thomas had glided across the gales with an elegant ease that Robbe was jealous of. His ex-boyfriend had moved on, deleting his pictures with Robbe across all social media platforms, and going out with his friends more and more (or, even if he was trying his best to ignore it, at least that’s what his Instagram led him to believe). The only thing that remained of their relationship was the box of Thomas’s things in the corner of his bedroom, spilling with clothes that he had left at Robbe’s, which he still hadn’t come to collect. 

The thought of Thomas caused Robbe’s heart to give a frightening squeeze. He closed his eyes, trying to will away the thoughts of their relationship, the moments that Robbe still clung to, the ones that were still at the forefront of Robbe’s mind. But the harder he tried to push them away, the more intense they came back into focus, swirling around in his mind’s eye as if they were happening right now. Thomas coming over after work on Friday to be with him, his gentle kisses when Robbe was stressed about school work, his warm embrace that wrapped around Robbe like a blanket, his-

Knock, knock. 

The gentle knock pulled Robbe from his thoughts, bringing him hurtling back into his bedroom, no Thomas in sight, on a quiet Saturday morning. Beneath the crack of the door, he could see someone was standing outside of it. For a moment, he thought about acting like he was asleep, like he hadn’t woken up quite yet so he could lay in bed for another hour, but Zoë spoke up, “Robbe? We made breakfast if you wanted to come to join us.”

“Okay,” Robbe said, hearing the sadness in his voice. He tried to swallow down the bubble in his throat and ignore that it had ever existed. When he spoke again, his voice was clearer than it had been the first time. “I’ll be out in a second.”

“Alright,” Zoë said. He could hear Zoë shift away from the door, the floorboards creaking beneath her weight as she moved away, before she added, “I’ll try to make sure that the boys don’t eat all of the pancakes before you have a chance to get some.” 

“Thanks, Zoë,” Robbe said. A smile made its way across his face as he pushed himself off the bed. 

Pulling a pair of sweats from his dresser, he quickly slipped them over his boxers. Then, he grabbed his green hoodie from the back of his desk chair and pulled it over his head. Once he felt appropriately dressed—not like it mattered all that much with his roommates who were practically family—he stepped out of his bedroom and softly closed the door behind him. He shuffled to the kitchen, where he found all three of his roommates sitting at the table, talking as they passed food around. 

Robbe watched as Zoë rolled her eyes while Milan recounted a story of something or another. Milan spotted Robbe, grinning from ear-to-ear as he greeted, “Robbe!” He jumped to his feet and moved to pull Robbe into a tight hug. It was something that Milan always did; a constant stream of tactile affection without a thought. But today, it felt different. Robbe briefly sunk into Milan’s warm hug, wrapping his arms tight around him. Soon, the older man pulled back, grabbing him squarely by the shoulders and steering him to the table. Milan practically forced Robbe into the only unclaimed chair as he said, “Come join us!”

Zoë was sitting beside his newfound seat, wrapped up in a large grey hoodie with her platinum-blonde hair tied up in a ponytail. After placing two or three pancakes onto a plate, she handed it over to Robbe with a small smile on her face. 

“I’d hurry up if I were you. Lucas has his eye on the rest of them and he might just leap across the table and fight you for them.”

The final member of their small little family, and Milan’s cousin, Lucas van Der Heijden, looked absolutely appalled that she would say such a thing. Of the four, he was the one who looked like he had just rolled out of bed with his light brown curls messed up and pointing in all directions. He was wearing a large oversized red sweater that Robbe would bet was his boyfriend’s. Jens was Robbe’s best friend. He would know. 

“Hey,” he spoke, pointing his fork at Zoë dramatically. “I am not that bad… and it’s not my fault that your pancakes are to kill for.”

Milan laughed, shaking his head.

Zoë chuckled. Despite his earlier thoughts of Thomas, Robbe could feel a smile form on his lips as he placed the top two pancakes on his own plate. Once he was finished, Lucas made a child-like grabbing gesture with his hands and Robbe reached across the table to place the plate of remaining pancakes in his hands. Lucas grinned brightly at him and began cutting into his food. 

“Did you sleep well?” Zoë asked, raising an eyebrow at Robbe. “You were up pretty late last night.”

Robbe shrugged. “Yeah, I got about as much sleep as I could’ve gotten with a late-night stream that ran a little late because I wasn’t looking at the time,” Robbe admitted, taking a bit of his pancake. He turned towards Zoë, who was nodding her head. “Did I wake you up?”

Zoë shook her head adamantly. “No, you did really well sound-proofing your room. I just happened to wake up to go to the restroom and saw that your light was still on.” Robbe nodded, taking another bite of his food. “And I know that you’ve been streaming a lot lately.”

“Don’t worry, Zoë,” Lucas spoke up. “Robbe’s always one to know where his limits lie. In the time that I’ve known him anyway.” Robbe sent Lucas a thankful grin and the blond nodded his head in his direction. Between them, Milan sent them a knowing smile. “But do you feel like skating this afternoon? I don’t know if you’ve been listening to Aaron’s ramblings at lunch but he is absolutely convinced that he’s mastered a new move and he wants to show everyone.” 

“Really?” Robbe asked. 

“Yeah,” Lucas said, shrugging nonchalantly. “We’ll see if he ends up landing flat on his face or not. Wanna come?”

Glancing down at his food and shoving another bite into his mouth, Robbe thought about his unused skateboard, which had been sitting there since he last went skating by himself a few weeks ago.

Since he started doing late-night streams on Friday nights—one of his many (failed) attempts to push the absence of Thomas from his mind, from his life—he hadn’t been able to attend the Broerrrs Saturday morning skating competitions because he had stayed up too late and needed more sleep. He tried to make up for it by hanging out with them throughout the week, but his new schedule had reduced their time together significantly. That had been on purpose, to have as little free time as possible, so he wouldn’t have to think about Thomas, but it had the unintended consequence of limiting the time he spent with his friends. 

“Yeah, I’d love to come,” he said. Robbe could feel the lingering exhaustion that was present in every bone and molecule in his body, screaming at him for more sleep. But missing his friends outweighed his exhaustion. The four of them (five, counting Lucas) had lunch together on campus regularly. But hanging out for the 30-minute lunch before classes started was different than going to the skatepark on Saturday mornings to laugh and have fun. 

“Really?” Lucas said with a grin as his bright blue eyes lit up. 

“Yeah,” Robbe replied, grinning as well. Lucas’s smile had always been quite infectious. “I’m a little tired and a bit out of it, but I miss going skating with you guys. What time did they want to meet up?”

clip 2 (zaterdag 12:41)

[trikxx]

Lookk so to mention this is not just any friends to lovers story my toxic side is screaming friends with benefits type beat so😉 there will be some heartbreaking and Shinsou talking to other girls and you talking to other boys❤️❗️this is also a poc reader sooo read if you want i dont own you🤷🏽‍♀️

Songs for this chapter ⬇️

• B***h dont kill my vibe by kendrick Lamar

• in control nba youngboy

⚠️❗️marijuana use in this chapter❗️⚠️

"Alright we have 569 orders to pack Toshi." You say to Shinsou "ok hold on." Shinsou said licking and blunt to finish rolling it. You grabbed a box of packages and put it in the living room the grabbing your computer to print out labels and receipts.

You light a candle and turn on some music (the song at the top) Shinsou puts the blunt to the side and starts labeling the packages and putting the orders together in this order costumers order, business card, thank you card, and receipt. You do final packaging and stamp for the mail marking each order off the list and putting it in the box of finished orders.

"Hey n/n wanna go get a tattoo tomorrow?"

"Sure but where?"

"You remember Sero and Denki from Highschool?"

"Yea."

"Well they opened a tattoo spot on 58th." Shinsou said "Bet we can go." You respond putting another order in the box.

*DING*

"Who is it?" You ask Shinsou cause he pick up you phone. "Armoni." "What did he say?" "He said can he come over?" Shinsou responded "Are you ok with him coming over?" You say "Yea." "Ok then tell him Its ok."

Armoni⛓💵: Is it ok if i come over?

Y/n🤍🌸| Yea. You spending the night and do you need a ride?

Y/n🤍🌸| Also do ma know?

Armoni⛓💵: yea she know and no dad dropping me off.

Armoni⛓💵: ouu i can spend the night bet. Yea if thats the case.

Y/n🤍🌸: i didn't-

Y/n🤍🌸: Aight.

You and Shinsou start back in the orders soon finishing them. "I'm tired as fuck." You say flopping down on the couch "Get untired sweetheart cause your brother is coming over and we have a blunt to smoke and food to order." Shinsou said while laying across your legs.

Y/n's pov

Shinsou lit the blunt and hit it a few times. I looked at him as he let the smoke move out his mouth softly blowing with his head back. "Like what you see?" Shinsou said looking at me with a cocky smirk thats when I noticed I was staring "shut up and pass the blunt." I say. Shinsou chuckled and gave me the blunt. I did the same thing as Shinsou but blew o's "stop trying to show out n/n." Shinsou said taking the blunt "boy ain't nobody 'showing out'." I say putting up quotation marks with your hands.

We pass the blunt back a forth a few more times until I got a notification from life 360 saying Armoni go to the apartment. Shinsou put out the blunt and put it with the spongebob rolling tray we had. I cracked the window and opened the balcony door a little bit and went in my room to put the orders away.

When I came out the room someone started knocking on the door kinda like the police (strong ass knock✋🏽💀) "Armoni Keith l/n how manys time do I have to tell you stop knocking on my fucking door like that." I say opening the door. " Dang Im sorry you aint gotta cuss at me n/n" Armoni said "Aye Shinsou where the hoes?"

I smack Armoni on the back if the head while walking past him to the living room "Ain't no hoes." I say coldly. "Yea Armoni ain't no hoes.... right now." Shinsou said smirking. "Nigga." I say with a straight face. "Im not finna do this with ya'll tonight." Shinsou and Armoni start laughing "ANYWHOO. Did you eat yet Armoni cause was finna order some food."

"Nah not yet." Armoni said. "What do ya'll want to eat?" I say walking into the kitchen with my phone to grab an water and then lean on the island.

"What about taco bell?"

"Armoni who the fuck."(sorry to the people who like taco bell) I say "ima have to agree with y/n Armoni. Who eats Taco bell?" "Uhh..obviously me." Armoni says.

"Awe naw you gotta go." I say "how about in and out? We can go out and get that." K said "im cool with that" Armoni says. "Ok." I say walking to my room. I got in to my room and pull out a pair of jogging pants and a oversized (fav anime) shirt and took off my bonnet and styled my faux locs

I grabbed my purse and house and car keys. "Yall ready?" I ask putting on my air force ones. "Been ready. We was waiting for you." Shinsou said.

Time skip

I start up my car using my remote start while we were walking to the car in the parking garage.

Everyone gets in the car. "LET ME PLAY THE MUSIC!" Armoni yells "STOP FUCKING YELLING." And it depends on what you finna play." I say turning around to look at Armoni. "Come on n/n let him play the music." Shinsou said looking at me tilting his head with puppy dog eyes. "I guess." I say rolling my eyes. "Just dont play no trash shit." I said looking at him through the rear view mirror. "Ok ok and i was going to say yall had to cause yall smoked with out me." He said making this face '😌' "boy.."

Play in control by nba youngboy

"shhhhhhhh" Shinsou said putting his finger up to your mouth and pointing to the steering wheel. "Food." I side eyed him and started backing out the parking spot and driving out the garage. Armoni start playing Nba youngboy. As much as I wanted to turn it off Shinsou wouldn't let me so we had to flow with it.

"Sk machine guns its two of us wit four nines!" Armoni rapped with the song (in control-nba young boy only song i can get down to🙌🏽 edit- i put the wrong song🙂 if you listen to yb just ignore that🧍🏽‍♀️) I turned down the radio. "What do yall want from here?" I asked they both said what they wanted and i went inside and ordered the food. As im waiting a guy comes up to me "Damn, what a fine girl like you doing out by yourself." He says "ahaha" I said sarcastically "getting food." I say still looking down at my phone. "You should me get your number." He says "you should let me get your name." I respond dodging the request. " My name is Shindo and you?" "Y/n" i say

"Order number (blah blah blah)!" The cashier says "welp thats me." I said not wanting to talk to him anymore. "Here you go ma'am." R/n says handing my bag "Thank you, have a good night" i say walking towards the door. "Hey! Uhh.. y/n you said it was!" I heard the guy from before right when I walked out the door "Hey" I said putting on a fake smile. "Can I get your number?" He asked "yea sure" I say pulling out my phone to put his number in.

Shinsou's pov

As me and Armoni are just chilling the car I see y/n coming out on in and out but she getting stopped by someone "who the fuck.." I say "what wron... oh shit" Armoni says. "You know who that is?" Armoni asks me. "Not at all." I tell him. Im not gonna lie i was jealous. But like fr who is that. I see y/n put her phone back the guy tried to hug her but she away "she dont want em" me and Armoni said at the same time and busted out laughing

"What are yall laughing at?" Y/n said opening the back door putting the food in the car. "You petty for doing that to that dude." Armoni said trying to stop laughing. "Awe well he was the on that didn't realize." Y/n said " But you still gave him your number though ." I said. "Yea Im finna block his number rn." Y/n said pulling her phone back out.

Y/n's pov

"Aye. Disconnect from my car now." I said to Armoni "whyyyy?" Armoni whined. " Disconnect or get out. Either way your still disconnecting just the second one your walking." I said smiling at him "ok ok"

I started playing my playlist.

~Time skip~

Shinsou's pov

We got back to the apartment and everybody got comfortable and we ate and watched movies Armoni went into his room and got in the bed around 3 am. Me and y/n were still in the living room. Y/n was laying on me and I was laying on the couch.

~30 minutes later~

"Hey y/n..." she fell asleep on me. 'How cute' I chuckled and just stayed there not wanting to wake her up to put her in her bed. I kept watching f/a that Y/n had put on after Armoni went to bed.

*DING*

Kami💀⚡️: Yoooo are yall coming through to the shop tmrw

Hitoshi☄️: yea why wouldn't we😃.

Kami💀⚡️: just asking cause you guys change up plans really quick if ya know what i mean😉

Hitoshi☄️: stfu. It was only once.

Kami💀⚡️: if you say soo Hitoshi😌

Hitoshi☄️: stop fucking texting me.

It was only once we only did it once. Me and Y/n were supposed to go to their shop the other day but thing between me and y/n go heated and we ended up in bed together but thats besides the point. "Yo Hitoshi your still woke?" Armoni said walking into the living room. "Just up to get som..."Armoni stopped and look at me then down. "Uhmmm..." Armoni went back to his room and got his phone.

"Moms is gonna love this." Armoni said taking a picture. "Why you take a.... fuck Armoni delete it now." I whisper yelled still trying not wake up y/n

"Why should I delete it? Why ya'll ain't tell nobody you guys were a 'thing'?" Armoni shot back. "Cause we're not. Bruh delete the pic and we stay safe. You know your sister is crazy and if she finds out thats the end of our lives." I say slightly sitting up causing y/n to move around a little bit. "Valid point I'll delete it on one case." I was over joyed til the last part.

"Let me drive the car tomorrow." Armoni said. I sighed knowing either way this might be my last week on earth. "Ok." "Anddd deleted thank you for your service." Armoni said taking his water and going back to his room.

I layed back down trying to comprehend what just happened.

*DING*

"What the fuckkkk." I say reaching over to y/n's phone.

*New message from (***)-***-****

(***)-***-****: Hey y/n this Shindo😉.

*read*

I looked at the phone for a little bit 'who is Shindo'

(***)-***-****: from In&out we met there just yesterday.

(***)-***-****: shit. My bad for blowing up your phone just realized how late it is. Text me back when you see this👋🏽.

'Wow' I think to myself bro really is blind. Would this be considered harassment. Maybe I'm tripping... im still high as fuck. Maybe I should go to sleep. I cut on another show to try and fall asleep on but I couldn't. I kept thinking what if she falls for him?

"Y/n." I say shaking her a little bit "come on" Motioning her to wrap her legs and arms around me so I can put her in her bed. "Can I sleep in here?" I ask "Bruh your room is down the hall go there." She said in a sleepy voice. "I dont feel like ittttt" i say.

Y/n slow turned over to face me. "I dont have the energy to argue with you." She said "I take that as a yes." I say getting into her bed.

I felt y/n snuggle under me trying to find warmth so I grabbed and held her close to me. "Goodnight." I say. No response so I start to let go "ok ok night." I heard y/n say. "Mhm thats what I thought." After a while I was able to fall asleep.

2062

This chapter took 5 ever to write but it was worth it I really hope you guys liked this chapter.

🌸L O V E  Y A  B E B E S🌸

[rohad93]

Authority Online - Ch 14

Its a little short, but if i didn’t cut the chapters into 2 it woulda been really long.

~ ~ ~ Jaune!”

Jaune blearily looked up from the coffee pot that was taking much too long to make her drink as Celeste poked her head into the kitchen, a towel wrapped around her body and hair.

“Did I leave my blue and white striped blouse here?” she asked. The blonde wracked her sleep-addled brain for a few seconds.  

“I washed it and put it in your drawer…,” she grumbled groggily before a yawn forced its way out of her mouth. When she opened her eyes again her girlfriend had vanished back down the hall toward the bedroom. 

“Found it!” echoed out of the room a minute later and Jaune snorted as she filled her mug to the brim with dark caffeinated goodness. 

After very nearly six months of dating, Celeste spent more nights here then she did in her own apartment, and while Jaune was more than happy with that, she didn’t think she was ever going to get used to waking up at four in the morning; usually about the time Celeste was finishing her shower and getting dressed. She always managed to get out of bed and shower without waking the lawyer but Jaune’s internal alarm had ended up resetting itself and she always woke up now, just as Celeste was finishing getting ready to head back to the bakery.

She had halfway drained her mug when Celeste appeared again, dried, dressed, and bag slung over her shoulder. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

“Thank you. Have a good day, I’ll see you tonight,” she said quietly, well aware that Jaune was only just barely coherent. 

The blonde made a noise of agreement and Celeste smiled before heading out. 

Jaune spent the next hour waking up and getting ready for work herself. As she moved around the house there were bits and pieces that hinted at the newer secondary occupant. 

She took note of Celeste’s various hair and bath products that now took up what had become her designated side of the shower as she showered for work and on the bathroom sink when she stepped out. 

The second to the top drawer of her dresser, which before had housed a few odds and ends were now full of Celeste’s clothes so she would have something to change into when she came back from work, or if they went out on the weekend.

The charger for her laptop was sitting on the bedside table on what was now her side of the bed.

Except for the occasional night she was just too tired to drive back or she had to stay in the bakery till late, she had all but moved in with her.

Something Jaune had been thinking a lot about the last few days.

She had been heavily considering just asking Celeste to actually move in, she was certainly here enough that she might as well, but there was a certain difference in just coming here all the time and actually committing to living here full time, and she wasn’t the least bit sure how Celeste would feel about moving out of her apartment and into her house. The only way to know for sure was of course to ask her.

She supposed tonight would be as good a time as any.

She was fairly confident Celeste would say yes, but that didn’t stop the little nagging thought that sat in the back of her mind the rest of the day that her girlfriend might say no to the prospect.

While she couldn’t get much closer to work than living on the floor above it, she had been staying at her place during the week anyway, and it was only a five-minute drive even with moderate traffic.

Jaune was distracted the majority of the day, attempting to work on the case files sitting in front of her and trying not to think about what Celeste might say tonight; she was failing.

At lunchtime, she pulled out the sandwich Celeste had made for her and was halfway through eating when her phone buzzed.

She took another bite as she picked it up, flicking her thumb over the lock screen to see an image message from Rose.

She cocked a brow at that as she chewed. Rose would text or call her on occasion, usually when she couldn’t get a hold of her sister but it was the middle of the afternoon on a Friday.

She tapped the message and choked on the bite in her mouth.

~ ~ ~

“It’s a cake… it’s business…” Celeste told herself as she moved the large cake around on it’s spinning base, as she finished with the base coat of frosting. If she wasn’t being paid so handsomely for this there was no way she would have ever agreed to do it.

She was just glad that there was no one around to see the thing and she should be done with it in another hour or so and then it would be gone and she could forget about it.

“What. Is. That?” Rose punctuated each word as she walked into the bakery’s kitchen to see her sister working on a large, standing cake.

Celeste sighed, shoulders dropping at the sound of her sister’s voice as she piped pink icing onto the crumb frosted cake.

“It’s a cake…,” was all she said, not looking up from her work, shoulders tense, and face scrunched up as she tried to concentrate and not look at her sister’s face. She knew what was coming without looking.

“It‘s a giant dick!” Rose barked before breaking into hysterical laughter. 

Celeste sighed again, stopping to look at her sister.

“I know what it is,” she huffed, hands on her hips.

“I’m surprised…” Rose snickered once she got her breath back and walked up to the large phallic-shaped baked good while Celeste sent her a dirty look. “Did you need a reference photo?” she teased.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Celeste snapped, face a bright red.

“Not right now…” Her sister grinned at her before, noticing her lack of answer, turning to look at the three-foot-tall cake. “Why?” she finally couldn’t help but ask. 

“It’s for a bachelorette party… and they paid more than I would have charged when I initially refused…” she explained the monstrosity sitting on her counter.

“Well… it’s certainly… lifelike… I mean, not in size obviously,” she giggled.

“You’re a child…” Celeste grumbled as she set down the pastry bag and started putting together the airbrush for the fine details. Rose stuck out her tongue. “My point exactly…” she mumbled.

She ignored her sister and set to working on the last things the cake needed before she could get the thing the hell out of her kitchen. Even if it was… well, what it was, she had agreed to do it, so it would get just as much attention as anything else she made. She was fully concentrated on the cake when she heard the telltale sound of a phone camera. Her head snapped up to find Rose holding up her phone and grinning as she tapped a few buttons.

“Delete that!” Celeste growled, turning around fully to face her sister.

Rose blinked before turning and bolting out of the kitchen.

“Rose!” the baker roared, giving chase.

~ ~ ~

Jaune heard the front door open and looked up from the boiling pot of noodles as she heard the sound of steps on the wood floor before Celeste rounded the corner into the kitchen.   

She looked tired, but the moment her eyes landed on the blonde they lit up, and Jaune couldn’t help but smile. There was something incredibly satisfying about being the reason her face lit up like that. Every time, without fail, it caused warmth to spread through her own chest. 

“You look tired,” she observed just before the baker wrapped her arms around her waist and buried her face in the junction of her neck and shoulder and groaned, making Jaune chuckle as she wrapped her arms around Celeste. She mumbled something into the fabric on her shoulder.

“You’ll have to repeat that…”

With a sigh, Celeste lifted her face out of Jaune’s neck.

“I am tired… halloween is in five days, there were a lot of orders for parties that I have to get finished up, and Rose was being a particular pain today…,” she grumbled, thinking of the five minutes she had chased her nearly twenty-nine-year-old sister around the building before tackling her and forcefully deleting the photo of her leaned over the giant cake.

“It didn’t have anything to with the giant penis cake did it?” she asked, unable to stop herself from grinning as Celeste’s head whipped up to look at her, eyes wide.

“You saw that?!” she gave the blonde a gentle shove as she started laughing, pulling out her phone and showing Celeste the picture Rose had sent. Celeste snatched the phone.

“I was eating lunch when I got that and literally almost choked to death,” she informed her as she looked at the picture on her screen with a frown, brows drawn between her eyes.

“Should I be jealous?” She couldn’t help the shit eating grin plastered on her face as Celeste looked back up at her sharply, face bright red.

“You and Rose both are the worst.” She hit a few buttons, deleting the photo before shoving the phone back into Jaune’s chest and turning on her heel. Before she could take more than two steps a pair of arms wrapped around her waist and her back was pulled flush against Jaune’s chest. 

“I’m sorry, I’m only teasing,” she said, holding tight, though Celeste wasn’t attempting to break free.

She was frowning, not saying anything before she finally sighed.

“I know, I know...I’m just… tired,” she grumbled, going limp in Jaune’s grip and leaning her head back against her shoulder. “I’ve had a lot of special orders to work on, Rose has been a pain… and I can never find anything because I don’t know if it’s here or at my apartment!” she vented, throwing up her hands.

Jaune blinked at that, this was probably as good of an opportunity as she was going to get.

“Well, I know how you can solve one of those problems,” she said and Celeste hummed, showing that she was listening. “You could just completely move in with me.” 

Celeste stiffened in her grip and Jaune couldn’t help but do so as well.

Celeste wiggled Jaune’s grip loose enough to turn in her arms and look up at the blonde.

“Move in here with you, permanently?” her bright cobalt eyes were blown wide but Jaune couldn’t begin to decipher the look on her face and plowed ahead with her prepared argument.

“Yes.” she nodded. “I know living above the bakery is more convenient, but you’re hardly ever there as it is and it’s a lot more space here, and I know how much you love the kitchen…,” she would have rambled on had Celeste not reached up,laying a hand on her shoulder, instantly silencing her. She was smiling so warmly at her that Jaune swore she could feel it.

“I do love the kitchen,” she admitted. “But do you know what I love more?” she asked with a tilt of her head. 

Before she could even think to answer Celeste was standing up on her toes to press a kiss to her lips. 

Jaune could smell the sugary icing and scent of fresh baked bread that always seemed to follow the other woman around, especially when she first came back from work. 

She released the blonde’s lips, settling back onto her heels.

“I love you,” she finally said, looking up into wide, amber eyes. She couldn’t blame Jaune though, this was the first time she had ever expressed that sentiment aloud, though she had been thinking it a lot in recent weeks. She just couldn’t not say it now, looking up this woman who had completely stolen her heart. 

The loose grip around her waist tightened, pulling her flush against Jaune and suddenly into a long, nearly bruising kiss that made her clutch the back of the white, cotton, button down she was wearing and left her breathless when she finally released her.

“I love you too.” the lawyer breathed and Celeste squeezed her back, burying her face back in the side of her neck while Jaune’s fingers slid through her hair. 

“So…?” Jaune finally asked after several long momentas, prompting Celeste to laugh against her skin before pulling back to look up at her.

“Yes, Jaune, I’ll move in with you.” She smiled, her eyes darting over the blonde’s shoulder. “Provided you don’t burn the house down…,” she grinned. Jaune whipped around to see the pot of pasta boiling over and starting to smoke.

“Shit!” Jaune ran over to the stove, Celeste watching with a grin behind her hand.

[jyiori]

First Encounter

It was supposed to be a self-indulgent drabble that I may or may not turn into a comic. I have several ideas running around in my head and they’re begging to be put down... I can’t draw fast enough to match, so I wrote it down instead. Ayda meets her familiar for the first time! It is set after Asra’s Upright Ending. Arcana Fan Fiction | Asra x Apprentice Ayda It was the dreams that started it all. Vivid, haunting dreams that made Ayda toss and turn at night, waking up drenched in cold sweat. It only took a shaky gasp for her beloved magician to wake, and within seconds she was engulfed in his warm embrace. Soft, murmured words of calm, whispered promises of love and protection gently lulled her frantic heartbeat to slow down. His hand soothingly strokes her shivering form while pressing endless kisses to her hair, forehead while repeating words like a mantra. 

“It’s alright, I’m here. I’m here.” She stares at Asra’s tired face through tear-filled eyes, her bottom lip quivering, “I’m sorry. I don’t… I can’t remember…” A slow tilt to her chin and he silences the rest of her apologies with a loving kiss, tightened his hold on her. Although it does not take much for her beloved to calm her down, they were both disturbed by the sudden rise in frequency of her nightmares. No matter the amount of magical wards Asra placed on her, incantations, incense, meditation and teas, nothing could prevent them from reoccurring. Even Muriel’s protective charms could not aid her, though Julian’s hopeful suggestion of leeches was shot down without a trial. It might have been better if she could recall what her nightmares were about, but all the apprentice remembered were flashes of angry red. With a pained look, Asra theorized that it might have been her memories from the Lazaret, which she was quick to dispute. It was different, she was sure of it. She did not feel or see the licking flames of the fire. With the Devil trapped in his realm, the Plague showed no signs of returning. They were supposed to live the rest of their lives in peace, travelling, seeing the world with Faust. Then came the voices. Or more specifically, the voice. Help! Ayda could hear it echoing through her mind at times, as they shopped at the marketplace, as they visited the docks, even as she passes by the Rowdy Raven. Each time, she turns and tries to follow, desperate to find the source. Concerned, Asra goes with her always. “It might be a trap,” he cautioned, worried if she would follow the voices if he were not around one day. As time goes on, the voice grows a little weaker. Her nightmares lessen, but still, she remains disturbed.

What if someone was trying desperately to reach her for help? The day began normally, like any other. Doctor Devorak suggested a change of pace and scenery for curing her nightmares, and for once, Asra agreed. His eyes narrowed and his lips pursed up in disapproval when a delighted Julian led them to the Red Market, proclaiming he would definitely be able to find a cure amongst the more peculiar vendors.

It was then, she heard it again. Louder than before. In her native tongue.

Tolong! (Help!)

Slipping her hand out of Asra’s grasp, the apprentice broke into a run. He reached out instantly, but she was gone. Frantic, the magician turned to the doctor, who was still staring in shock as her form gradually disappeared from view. “Don’t just stand there Illya, help me find her!” Things seemed to be moving in a red haze for Ayda. She weaved through the faceless crowd effortlessly, almost as if she had done it countless times. Straight ahead, left turn, right fork, right again. Recognition slowly dawns on her face, even as her running feet carry her through the exact same pathway she goes through in her dreams. Dread fills her as she hastens her footsteps, almost stumbling over her own feet as the voice grows crystal clear. Rounding a bend, she finds the scene at last, the executioner raising his tightly clenched fist- “NO!” she screams out of pure desperation, throwing out her hands to conjure a gust of wind. At a split second of hesitation at the sound of her voice, the captor’s grip loosened and the spell hit him square in the chest, making him stumble and fall backwards with an almighty crash. It was at that moment, when their eyes met. “Itu kamu? (It was you?)” she asked softly, bending down to face the lovely creature that she barely managed to save. Iya saya. (Yes, it was.) The red head bobbed vigorously, radiating relief at being rescued from certain death. As the handler lunged for its crimson tail, the snake flipped and dodged aside before quickly sliding up into Ayda’s waiting arms. “Wait, sir, please,” she stammers as the man towers over her threateningly. “Now, now, that’s no way to treat a lady!” chimes a familiar voice, albeit rather out of breath. Julian steps in between them and starts chatting up the illegal snake trader right away, blocking his view with grand flourishes and babbling nonsense. Firm hands catches her shoulder as her knees give out, sweeping her into his arms, snake and all. Quietly they make their exit from the market, as Julian continues to distract the very angry trader. Asra is entirely silent on their way back to their shop, and she could feel his reproach from the stern grip on their intertwined fingers. Upon reaching the shop, he locks it, slowly turning to meet her gaze. “Please, Ayda,” his voice sounds painfully hoarse, and it was her turn to hold him as he melts in her arms in a shivering mess. “Please don’t do this to me, ever again.” They spend a long moment in silence, just holding onto each other for reassurance, before Ayda draws away slightly, concerned, “What about Julian? We left without him.” “He’ll be fine. He has talked his way out of much worse scrapes than this,” mutters a disgruntled Asra. At that moment, the snake hiding within Ayda’s clothes decided to sneak a peek at him. He flashes them a comforting smile, of welcome. “Hello, little one.” “Asra. I think… I think she might be my familiar.” There was a long discussion to be had that day, of nightmares and premonitions and voices, one that lasted late into the night. Much laughter was had as jubilant Julian showed up at the shop, to regal them with how heroically he managed to save the day and convince the snake trader into different business ventures. *** Faust was supposedly with Muriel at the time this occurred. Too many plot holes. There is certainly supposed to be much more to this story. And thus to be continued, another day. I think my mind is getting woozy and it’s past 4am. Probably should delete after I wake up. >_>

[escherzorin]

Christmas Eve, 2017.

It was 4:03 am. And I couldn’t sleep. This always happened when I didn’t take it. As the sun rose beside me, I felt a darker night in my head. How could I say no to myself?

I began to shake. Every Once in awhile, I felt my arms tremble. My fingers would twitch, as if they were on guard for something. An invisible evil that they couldn’t see. It started off slow, only happening once or twice a week, then escalated further and further. I kept telling myself that it was just a side effect. Because it is. I would ignore the feelings of feeling the mode. The feeling that kept me awake in the middle of the night. The shaky breaths I took. The missed meals, the bottles of water that kept stacking outside my door.

It is normal. Everything is normal. You are just a dumb worthless piece of shit who can’t fucking hold a candle next to anyone. Who immediately put up walls when they were hurt. Who screamed at the people they care about. And oh great you are crying again. You just push everyone away to save your ass. I mean, what’s the point? It is not like they like you. Remember this sensation. Remember this feeling of hopelessness cuz it isn’t about to go away. You are my bitch now. You will just be used again and again until they get tired of you. Then you will be handed off to someone else.

You know something? (Did you know? I love you. You mean the world to me. If it wasn’t for you I probably wouldn’t be alive right now.) How have you lived this long? Doesn’t it hurt to be such a disappointment? I hate you. You are worse than scum. How is it that no one has ever slapped you for being weird? Oh wait. How is it that no one has gotten tired of you? Oh wait. How is it that you haven’t tried to kill yourself yet? You know the answer. You have. That one brief moment of euphoria when you thought that this would all be over. That there, this world will be better without such a useless bitch. She can’t trust anyone. She feels nothing and everything at the same damn time.

My racing heartbeat wouldn't let go. My tears kept falling….and how long has it been since I felt like this. It feels like it is the first time all over again.God I want to die.

(What is going on? Is it getting worse? Is it really okay to be next to scissors like that? Should I-

No. No you shouldn’t. You belong here Dante. What even are you? Even humans couldn’t match the same monstrosity that you are.

It is finally 5 am. The sun isn’t anywhere in sight. It gets cold. And I feel exhausted. No one talk to me. I hate you all. I don’t ever want to see any of you ever again. Go away. GET AWAY FROM ME.

Please don’t go. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this again. My mom will be heartbroken. How will they see me now?

Am I really that weak?

7 am. My house is quiet. Never ask for any favors there is nothing I want from you. I’ve been praying for an answer to keep me from falling through. How long has it been since I laughed genuinely? I stop and think for a moment. All the memories. All the moments I forced myself to laugh cuz if I didn’t wouldn’t I be weird? My head hurts. Sometimes I get these lapses where I go unconscious for a second and come back. What if one I just drop dead?

How weak am I?

How useless am I?

How weird am I?

How alive am I?

There was reason why there was a warning. I didn’t know. I didn’t think it would happen again. I mean how often do you really see that? Maybe I had that false hope. That love could make this all go away. That I could be normal again. I can, can’t I? WHY. YOU ARE SO FUCKING LAZY. YOU CAN’T EVEN GO TO SLEEP. YOU CAN'T REMEMBER TO TAKE THEM. YOU CAN'T REMEMBER TO PUT STUFF BACK. whycouldntihavejuststayedquiet.

7 30 am.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. How can I delete myself? Do you like to watch me suffer? Do you enjoy me throwing my life away? Do you enjoy me being too much of a fucking coward to kill myself? I still hold onto that string, praying it won’t snap.

Well you are learning coping mechanisms.

Shut the fuck up.

I have to run away. With what money? And do what? Nothing. I have nothing. Your parents are better than so many and here you are struggling because you can't keep your head quiet.

You are such a child.

9 am. Good morning mom.

I felt my heart shatter. I breathed with lapses of unconsciousness raking my entire body.  They didn’t know. They didn’t know. How could they have known that I would react this way. It is all real. The train going on outside, blaring its nonexistent horn, waking me up. Why couldn’t the sound just STOP.

I had torun. I couldn’t stay. It was all real. They wouldn't ever leave. I am all alone. How will it be when the years have gone by? What will it be like to never sleep? What will be like to sleep?

God I just want to die.

It is so bright. The lights are so loud. The laughter is directed at me. Like hyenas laughing at thier pray.

I just want to free fall.

Maybe I should tal-

NO

Why not?

YOU ARE SUCH A BURDEN. YOU ARE SO WEAK. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PROBLEMS. WHY WOULD THEY BOTHER LISTENING TO YOU.

You’re right.

No

Gotta run away

I can’t stay here.

I have to leave. Im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay. It is all a lie. It is all a lie. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It is ok. I am ok. All of it is fake.

You are just looking for attention.

I can’t let them see.

She walked out of the bathroom, tears still in her eyes. She refused to look at any of them directly, fearing they might see the terror in her eyes. If they found out she hadn’t slept, they would get mad at her again. She is an adult for crying out loud! Why can’t she understand that she has to do this on her own? Why are you so irresponsible? Why are you so lazy?

Despite working at the pizza place all summer, hours of smiling fake smiles and greet customers with a happy illusion. It’s not like they care. It is not their job to say, “Look at her, she must have something going on.” Despite being called a great employee, despite graduating in the top 10 percent of her class, despite the first in her family to go to college, despite working into the late hours of night and early in the morning, she is still not enough.

So I hid it.

I haven’t grown up yet, she says.

Yourejustpretending.

Mydaughterissickinthehead.

Mysonissickinthehead.

Imsorry. Imsosorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Imsorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry. Im sorry.

My psychiatrist is a male. He reminds me of a creepy russian spy. I showed him this. He made the dosage higher. I fainted when I took them. But they worked. And I was okay. It felt quiet. The silence was finally at rest. I was late to school. I got detention. Im in trouble.

It is not his fault. He didn’t know.

I know.

Just grow up.

It is not real.

This is only for attention.

You are a disgrace.

[takemedancingmaine]

38

I'm slipping off my trainers at the front door when Piper steps out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, another wrapped around her hair on her head.

“You ran?” She asks, stopping short at the sight of me. I stretch an arm across my chest and nod before I pull the milk from the fridge to pour a glass. Her tone is curious without there being any sense of her trying to pry.

It's odd that even though I just ran 8k I still feel lethargic in my movements and brain function. “Not long,” I shrug, my shoulders feeling heavy. “Not my best.” Not by a long shot.

“You still went,” she encourages me. Again, I nod as I stretch my other arm, trying to loosen my upper body after the tension it experienced the past two days. “Can you turn the kettle on?” She begins to move toward her room.

Instead of answering I reach over to the kettle and make sure there's enough water in it before turning it on. She calls a “thanks” over her shoulder as she slips into her room to get dressed.

I need to cool down more before I can shower, so I start pulling out ingredients for oatmeal when my personal mobile rings from its place on the coffee table.

I finally got the courage to look at it last night just before Jack left. I didn't read anything or listen to the messages from Liam or Jack, just deleted those because they both eventually got their answers. I just cleaned out the notifications and then placed it back down on the table until now.

It's Liam.

“Open the bloody door.”

No ‘hello’, no ‘hi, I'm on my way,’ none of that. It's Liam though, so I can't be expecting too much, really.

I frown in confusion but head over to my call box anyway and hit the buzzer.

“Thank you,” he says and then the connection is lost. Not ten seconds later though, my brother is striding through my front door, all tall, lanky Liam and his concerned big brother face he's trying so hard not to make obvious.

He doesn't care that I'm sweaty, he immediately walks up to me and pulls me into a hug. It reminds me of when we were kids and I was scared of thunder and Liam would build a blanket fort with me under the dining table and sometimes just comfort me with a big hug. It reminds me of when I failed my first big uni exam and Liam just wrapped me up in a giant hug and then took me for gelato. And it reminds me of when four months ago our roles were reversed and I hugged my brother with such intensity it felt like I was the only thing holding him together, in one piece.

It feels like he's trying to do the same thing for me right now.

“I'm sorry I'm a shit brother,” he whispers into my hair.

I shake my head as much as I can within the embrace. “No. This was me.”

“Wren-”

“I'm serious,” I hold him tight. “This was all me. I let it get this bad. I need to take responsibility so it won't happen like this again.”

“That's not how it works and you know it.”

“I know,” I sigh.

“Good try though,” he teases. “That sort of cadence and that initial conviction would go far in a courtroom.”

“You came over here just to lecture her on how to be a good lawyer?” Piper says in disdain as Liam gives me a final, tight squeeze and lets me go. He does keep one arm around me though.

“I can't help it,” Liam defends himself as he gives Piper a one-armed hug with his free appendage. “It's just who I am.”

“My god, I don't know how no one has punched you in the face yet,” Piper frees herself from him and begins to make herself tea.

“It's not like no one’s tried,” Liam shrugs. “Are you going in today?” He asks her as he takes in her appearance. “I thought Sunday's were your off day unless there was a showing.”

“I wasn't going to,” she admits and I feel guilt rise within me. She skipped yesterday. “But Wren is okay. She won't be sitting here all day, moping.”

“She won't be?” He glances down at me, curious.

“She won't be,” I say for myself now. The guilt over keeping Piper home yesterday is there, but I need to remind myself that she wanted to. She chose to. I didn't make her. And I feel that I owe her for it, but I don't need to feel guilty for it.

“You've got plans?” He asks.

I nod.

“With Jack?” He is giving me a look, a pointed look, and I know because I can feel it. I don't see it though because I refuse to look.

I nod again and make to break from his embrace to start making my breakfast, but he holds me to him.

“Are you up for that?” His concern right now is not regarding me and the guy I'm seeing, his concern is regarding my mental well-being and whether I'll be okay spending the day with someone. For me, seeing the difference in his concern is easy.

“I'm okay,” I nod once more. “I'll be okay,” I lean into him and give him a squeeze.

“Will you tell me anything about him?” He asks. The concern shifts on its head. One second it's about my mental health the next it's about the fact that I'm seeing a boy. Brothers are ridiculous.

“He's Scottish,” I shrug and slip out of the embrace to start making breakfast. I'd been careful not to overstuff my stomach yesterday and after almost two days of practically fasting. I am understandably hungry after my run this morning.

“Wren,” Liam sighs as he watches me start heating milk for my oatmeal.

“Mm?” I ask.

Beside me at the kettle Piper snorts as she looks between me and my brother.

“Seriously, when am I going to get information about this bloke? He's seeing my sister and all I've got is a name. Just a first name.” He turns to Piper. “I bet you’ve met him, haven't you?”

Piper nods and answers in an even tone, barely glancing up at Liam. “Twice.”

“Wren!”

“What?” I ask as if I'm baffled why he'd be upset with me. I know my tone and aloofness is only going to rile him up further.

Liam huffs in annoyance. It worked.

“Why can't I meet him?”

“You will,” I shrug. I don't mention the fact that Liam has met Jack more than twice. But, to be fair, he has.

“You know…” he shakes his head and sighs. “I really want to start with you, and you deserve me to, but I know you're not back yet. Come Friday dinner though? I'm going to hound you for every detail there could be.”

I just stare at him. I don't doubt his threat for a second.

“Okay,” I say eventually after a few minutes of silence. “D’you want some breakfast? Have you eaten?” I'm stirring in the oatmeal as it heats on the stovetop and as is typical for me I've made way too much.

Liam pops a blueberry into his mouth, greedy hands reaching into the container on the counter, and nods. “Sure, thanks.”

“Where's my nephew?” I ask after divvying up our portions.

“Charlie is fine,” he says, giving me a look. He knows I was jokingly suggesting him being a horrible parent. “He’s with a mate from school until later this afternoon.”

He grabs a bowl and jumps up to sit on the counter. I grab us each a spoon and jump up beside him, Piper rolls her eyes at us before she grabs her brew and takes a sip. She never understood my sitting on the counter until she saw Liam do it. Then she connected it.

She jumps up onto the last bit of free space, caddy-corner from me, our knees touching. I got her to do it our third year of uni. She's been doing it begrudgingly ever since.

“How’ve the two of you been?” I ask. A fortnight out from Charlie’s meltdown and I'm curious. Jack was paying attention to Charlie all week, just as he had done the week before, but with my down days, I hadn't gotten a chance to ask him about it.

Liam shrugs. “It was almost like he was afraid of me for a week or so like he didn't say much and was almost too polite. He didn't start anything with me, not at lunch not at dinner, not when we were almost late to school. Nothing,” he shrugs.

“Can I document this?” Piper asks, a smirk sliding onto her features. “Liam complaining about his son being too polite.”

I snort and Liam just gives her a look that says he's so done with her. He's not. He’s been stuck with her since she and I became friends. He respects her and is fiercely protective of her just like he is of me. He does resent that I've given him another smart mouth to have to endure though.

“It felt like my son was scared of me and that was the worst feeling in the world,” he says. “He's been a bit more like himself recently though.”

“I'm glad,” I give a supportive nudge with my shoulder. “I'm sure he’ll be fine,” I add. “He's just now realizing what happened though and that might take a bit to process, especially because it's so far out from when it happened.”

“Melissa?” He asks, giving me a curious glance.

“Wren,” I give him a serious look and point to myself. “I’m your sister, Liam.” Piper snorts again.

“You are so annoying,” my brother groans.

“O’course I am,” I smile back up at him and lean my head against him for a moment before moving to eat my breakfast.

“I did have a question for you, actually,” he nudges me with his elbow.

I swallow my bite of food and look up at him. “What?”

“How bad was it?”

“It was far from my worst,” I tell him truthfully. “And I have an appointment Thursday where I can hash it out,” I add.

“Piper?” His gaze leaves mine as looks over at her to confirm what I've told him.

“It really wasn't all that bad, Li,” she nods. “She even ate a bit throughout the day yesterday and she did her run this morning.”

“Was it anything in particular?”

Guilt. I can hear it, almost feel it as it wraps around his tone.

“Not that I've been able to tell,” I tell him. “I think it was just me being tired that pushed me to it. I'm fine at work and I'm happy in my life outside of work as well. I really just think I was tired and that strained me.”

“How much sleep were you getting?” He asks.

“Well, I’d still been getting up at the time I used to before I started with the broadcast team. So I was going to bed later and still waking up just as early. I guess it finally caught up with me.”

“And you're going to fix that?” He doesn't ask it like a question, but the query is implied.

“No, I thought I'd quite like to go through this again. Ya know, really experiment and see how long I can hold out between breakdowns. A month? Three weeks? Trial and error to get the perfect amount of exhaustion to push me over the ledge,” I shrug and remark casually.

“You're such a dick,” he elbows me none too gently and gives a big dramatic sigh.

“Love you too, big bruv,” I give him a wide smile before poking his cheek and then shoulder. I keep poking his shoulder.

“Oi,” he shrugs me off. “Christ. I love you. Now, will you fuck off so I can eat?”

39

I'm in my comfiest knit sweater and my oldest, most worn pair of jeans. The denim worked to a point it's soft against my legs. I've got a knit cap on over my hair that's doing wonders to keep me warm as fall and the chill really settle over London in full force.

It is almost November.

It'll hit midweek and then I'll be able to listen to Christmas tunes without anyone giving me shit for it. I can feel the air in a way I couldn't before. It's no longer weighed down with humidity and instead just encases me in a crisp and light feeling. The last of the leaves still on the trees are turning too, and a calm comfort settles over the city as the summer tourists leave and there's a small reprieve.

I think a lot about autumn, and often reflect on it in a metaphorical state. Fall can show us just how beautiful it is to let things go. I'm not sure what it is yet that I have to let go in this particular fall, but I know there's probably more than one thing.

I once read something about how October is about trees revealing colours they've hidden all year. As I walk with the flow of people on the sidewalk I can't help but think people have an October as well, within them just waiting for something to bring it out.

I think of Liam and Charlie and how a song brought out something they'd been avoiding for four months. I think of myself and how Jack has brought something in me out, as well. I think of Piper and how I've seen her so invested in her art recently. I feel so guilty for keeping her home yesterday because she's really thrown herself into her work these past few weeks. I wonder what brought it out in her.

Shoving my hands in my pockets when a particularly cold breeze hits me, I duck my head down and pick up my pace. The clouds in the sky not filled with any threat of rain as I shuffle along.

There are leaves crunching under my feet as I manoeuvre toward his front steps. I shift my bag and hit the buzzer.

“It's Wren,” I say, my voice whipped away by a gust of wind, but somehow he hears me.

“C’mon up,” The buzzing starts and I step inside, closing the door behind me and heading up the stairs.

I notice for a second time today that although I'm up and mobile today, my movements are sluggish and my limbs still feel heavy. It takes me twice as long as it usually would to climb two flights of stairs and I feel physically exhausted having done so.

I think of Liam's concern this morning when he was asking if I was up for plans today, and bite my bottom lip as I try to shake them off. Maybe I'm not, maybe this was a bad idea, but I'm here anyway.

His front door is unlocked, but I give a light knock as I enter. There's music playing softly from somewhere, the back of my mind recognizing it as Fleetwood Mac while I just look around the room. I close the door gently behind myself and place my bag by the door, pushing my hat off and placing it on top of my things.

He emerges from what I assume is his bedroom wearing a grey t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. I run through my brain to try and remember ever having seen him in anything other than nice trousers or black jeans and am coming up empty.

“Hi,” I look up at him, pulling my sweater sleeves down over my palms and biting my bottom lip.

His hair is still wet from his shower as he gives me a soft look and comes up to me, one hand coming to rest on the small of my back, the other coming up to brush some of my hair from my face.

He's walking a fine line between treating me like I'm fragile and also being respectful of my incredibly raw emotional state. He's balancing quite well, though I wouldn't be surprised if he fell once or twice.

“Hi,” he says back quietly and kisses my forehead. A warm feeling seeps into my whole being.

“My brother wants to meet you,” I spill out quickly.

“Good morning to you too,” he chuckles and pulls back a bit.

I just blink at him. I give him the potentially horrifying news and that's how he responds.

“Also,” he winks and kisses my cheek, “technically I've already met your brother. Many times.”

I groan and roll my eyes. “I don't know if that makes it better or worse.”

“When are we introducing me formally then?” Jack takes a step back and starts toward his kitchen. He runs a hand through his hair.

“He and I do dinner together every Friday,” I turn to follow him. I made the decision to invite him while on the walk between the tube and his front door.

He flips on the kettle and grabs two mugs for us. My head tilts down toward the floor and my eyes latch onto my hands that are wringing together. “He's already planning on interrogating me about you then as it is.”

“I'd be happy to join,” he says and I feel him brush a hand against my shoulder, trying to get me to look up. “He's not going to try and poison me, is he?”

I give a small smile and shake my head. “No,” I look up at him finally. “No, and Charlie is always asleep by then, so that won't be something for you to worry about either.”

His blue eyes flash as he pulls me close, one arm wrapped around my waist and the other pinning me against the counter behind me.

“Tell me something I don't know yet,” he says imploringly.

I take a deep breath, pausing to think of something. “I’m deathly afraid of insects,” I tell him.

“Really?” He asks.

I nod.

“All insects?” He gives me a look of disbelief.

“No,” I shrug. “You know the kinds you hear stories about though, the ones in the Amazon rainforest that can live under your skin or climb in your ears and drive you mad with the sounds?”

“You have much personal experience with those?” He asks.

I roll my eyes. “No, but that's probably because I'm so cautious.”

“Fair point,” he concedes, amusement colouring his tone and his expression. “What else don't I know?”

“I like cold weather. I like fall with the cold air and I love sweaters and fires and hot tea on cold mornings,” I list off. “I also really like old rock music and indie movies and for the past eight years I've gone to therapy.”

“I guess I made a good choice then with Fleetwood Mac,” he smiles and if I strain my ears I can hear the music coming from the other room. “And I've been to therapy too,” he says quickly.

“What?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Lily went through something a few years back and I'd go with her to her sessions and I ended up going to a few myself. I think everyone could use therapy now and again.”

I let that sink in for a moment. Everyone should go to therapy. Whether they're mentally ill or not. Therapy is a tool, not just for the broken, that helps one understand themselves and their situations better. Whether it's a hard time or a good time, therapy and the tactics learned there are helpful to all.

The fact that Jack said that makes me feel particularly safe. He doesn't see my going to therapy as a misfortune or see it in a negative light. He sees it as something anyone should do if they want to be better. That comfort settles all over my body as our eyes just hold each other.

So I lean up a bit and kiss him, delicately at first and then he reacts as I bring my arms up around his neck. He’s kissing me back with a fervour and I feel hot all over, my skin on fire as he pulls me flush against his long, lean body.

I feel drunk. Not really drunk, not like everything is blurry and detached from me. It’s more like that bouncy, floaty feeling you get when you've had two pints and you're all lightheaded and giddy. That's how I feel. That and then there’s the fire. I'm floating and burning up with the feel of him as his hands roam my back, down my sides, his fingertips lifting up my sweater a bit and skirting along the skin of my waist sending small shocks through me.

I feel him shift and he grabs my waist in both hands and lifts me up onto the counter. I let out a little huff of air in surprise and feel him smiling against my lips as we continue to make out.

He pulls me to the edge of the counter and steps in between my legs, one of his hands getting tangled in my hair as the other squeezes my hip, still brushing against my skin where my sweater has ridden up.

He moves from my lips and begins trailing his down my neck and I use the opportunity to breathe and trail my fingers through his soft, still damp hair. He hums and now that my skin feels all tingly where his mouth has been, he brings his lips back up to mine and slows the pace. Fervour turns into a lingering, and that daydream feeling starts to take over as the fire fades.

He pulls away and kisses my nose, my forehead before biting his lip and looking at me through his lashes.

I run a hand through my hair and sort out a few of the tangles and just try to calm my breathing.

“I thought for sure after seeing me yesterday you'd be done with me.” My voice is only a whisper.

I watch as his eyebrows crease and his eyes search my face. “Do you really think so little of me?”

“No,” I shake my head. “No, that's… no.” I pause and take a breath. “I just… I know that it's a lot, that I'm a lot.”

“You are a lot,” his face is still crinkled in confusion. “You're brilliant and funny and you've got a knack for reporting that tells me it's what you're meant to be doing. You're probably the kindest person I've ever met, despite your disdain for cyclists,” I laugh and so does he before he continues on. “Your loyalty to Piper and your brother is second to none, and the love that you give them is palpable, tangible in the air when you're around them.”

He lifts a hand and pushes some of my hair back off my face, behind my ear. “Most of all though, you’re someone who makes me feel like I've never felt before. I don't know if it's because you challenge my intelligence daily or because you're always looking for a way to surprise me with something. Whether it's that you like the same old bands that I do, or it's that you make the best apple scones I've ever had, I find myself always wanting to know more.”

I don't have the energy to cry. I'm actually physically all cried out. I do feel myself blush this violent shade of red though. A blush that starts in my cheeks and extends all the way down my neck and chest.

“Would you believe that I've never felt this way about someone either?” I ask, my voice only a whisper.

He just blushes and smiles.

“You're special, Lowden,” I tell him.

“You are too, Kearney,” his smile turns to a smirk when he uses my last name. I just blush and bite my bottom lip before he leans forward and kisses me, delicately, but with enough intention behind it.

I smile into the kiss and reach for one of his hands, lancing my fingers together with his.

“You should probably start preparing me for you brother,” he says as he rests his forehead against mine. “If he's as bad as you say I'll probably need as much guidance as I can get.”

I groan. I know he's only teasing, but I just keep thinking of Liam with his courtroom eyes and tone and when I think of those focused on Jack I already want to squirm.

“How about you just be you and in the meantime, we bake the last of your apples into scones and then head out to my favourite place?”

He sighs deeply before, “Alright, deal.”

40

“How’re we up here?” He asks as he spins around in a circle, getting the full 360 views.

“I once swiped Liam’s keycard from his briefcase and never saw fit to give it back,” I shrug. “I think he just assumed he lost it somewhere.”

“And it still works?” He says, looking out, not at me.

“It does.”

I wrap my arms around myself as I do my own spin around to try and see everything. It's beautiful up here. I can't even so much of London, we’re only just over forty stories up. It's seeing a bit of it from up above, from the top of Liam’s office building, though, that gives a renewed or an entirely new perspective.

“How'd you find this place?” He asks now.

“I found it when I was looking for Liam,” I say and sit down on one of the metal rooftop structures. “It was just over a week after April’s funeral and no one could find him. I remembered in uni he used to climb onto the roof of his housing unit and later the roof of his apartment building… I followed a hunch and found him here.”

I feel Jack sit next to me as I look out across the city, the grey sky a calm backdrop to the London I've come to love and know is bustling with life far below.

“He was trying to gain perspective?”

I take a deep breath and hold it before slowly letting it out with a short nod. “I know that sometimes he still finds his way up here, but mostly I've kind of stolen it as my own sanctuary.”

“This is pretty unbelievable,” the awe is present in his tone.

I'm quiet as I look out, just taking slow deep breaths and listening for everything. I feel like Superman when he's floating above the Earth, focused tuned out so that he hears everything going on below. I can just process it all, internal and external, without focusing too much on any one voice or sound that floats my direction.

Jack, for his part, is quiet beside me as I just take it in. After a few minutes though he speaks up.

“How often do you find yourself up here?” He asks.

I know what he's really asking. ‘How often am I as low as I was these past three days?’ I take a deep breath.

I'm really not that bad often. And it hasn't been for a while. Some may say that there's something new in my life that's made me this bad, namely Jack, but I know it's not him. I know it's not Jack’s fault.

There's something about fall that is controversial with me. I’m enamoured by the colours and the crisp air and the activities. I love what it represents, as well: shedding layers and revealing truths, and so much creativity in it all.

The problem with fall is that people with depression often can't help it, they just get sad during winter. I have had both my lowest and interestingly enough my highest moments throughout the fall and winter seasons.

There's so much warmth throughout the season but also so much darkness and to someone with depression, the warmth is intoxicating so much so that we don't notice our own downward spiral.

I truly believe what I'd told Liam this morning: it's because I was exhausting myself and my emotions slipped as a result. I'm sure there are small things, feeling incompetent at work--which has become less common but still sometimes slips in--and not seeing Piper as much now that I'm working later, and I'm sure my worry for Liam isn't helping, but I don't blame him for it.

I don't blame anyone. It's just the cycle of my life. Everyone has highs and lows, and my highs and lows are much more extreme. I try to regulate the lows so they're not so debilitating and remember the feeling of the highs so that I have the good to swaddle myself with. It's a continual effort though, and sometimes I slip.

Not often, but I do. And certainly not as often as I used to.

“I've only been here a few times,” I tell him. “Just once not long after I found this place when I had a bad day at work when I couldn't find my perspective. And then again about a month ago I had a moment when I was just feeling overwhelmed by Liam and Charlie and my own life. I just come up here to think about my place, about where I am.”

Jack nods and I lean my head against his shoulder. The sky is still dark grey and the air is still crisp and cool as it whips around us, colder and sharper up here than it is on the streets below.

“I'm not going to tell you that the past few days are unheard of,” I start, looking out as the sky meets the buildings. “I will tell you though that they're uncommon.”

He wraps an arm around me. “Uncommon?”

“I've been getting better and better at managing myself, and within the past two years that's my second,” his scent surrounds and comforts me when I take a deep breath.

“Sometimes I don't notice small skips though, or I do and I ignore them and think they're not big and then I end up here… Or,” I shrug, “or I just make something little into a big thing and drown under it. In uni, it could be exams or essays or a bad mark if it was on something I knew I could've done better on. Now it can be little things like deadlines or disappointing Liam.”

He rubs his hand up and down my arm as I lean my face into his chest for a moment and then look back out before us.

“It's strange, really,” he says. “I so enjoy the way your mind works. You're brilliant and funny and kind…” he gives me a squeeze. “You have made little things in my life more exciting… cooking and baking, board games, running even. But,” I hear him swallow, “I also now know that that mind I enjoy battling wits with and talking to about work and family and just life, in general, is something that can do this to you.”

I know from experience that taking both sides is a struggle.

“It makes me sad, but not for myself,” he sighs. “It makes me sad that someone as spectacular as yourself feels like this, even if it is uncommon.”

“Life is a constant contrast of good versus bad,” I tell him. “Life is finding the balance and enjoying everything regardless of personal battles and I'd like to think I'm pretty good at maintaining that balance and appreciating the good despite the bad. Setbacks don't make me any less good, I can only learn from them.”

“I'm in awe of your mind,” he says. “Your resilience is admirable.”

I smile a real smile that releases some tension within me. “I'm nothing if not persistent in my efforts to keep moving forward.”

We end up sitting in silence until the cold and wind become unbearable before we make our way back to Jack’s flat where we order Thai takeaway and play card games until I notice the time. I’m trying to get to bed early tonight to gather as much energy as I can for tomorrow. That, and I’m practising sleeping in a bit on weekdays now that I can. The balance between sleeping in and running will be a fun one to sort out.  

It's not until I'm slipping on my knit cap to leave that I think to ask. “It’s not for three weeks, so I know I’m being preemptive with this, but every year in November a whole lot of us gather at Liam’s house for what we call Friendsgiving and I’d like to invite you.”

Jack looks up from where he’s storing the cards and gives an amused expression. “You do know we’re British, right?”

I scrunch my face. “I started it with Piper and our flatmates back in our uni days and now it’s a thing that Liam, Piper, and I do together. Liam invites a few of his mates and Piper and I invite anyone who’s still in the area after Uni and whoever Piper is seeing at the time. We do it as a celebration of how lucky we are to have people willing to partake in a ridiculously American tradition with us.”

Jack makes his way over to me with a few strides and looks down at me with a crinkle between his eyebrows.

“I s’pose if I’m meeting your brother this week then that’ll be fine with him?” he asks. I nod, it’s fine with me. Liam will get fine with it. “Then I’d love to join,” he smiles.

“Okay,” I nod. I’m hypnotised by his blue eyes, they’re unbelievably blue. I’m pretty sure not even the ocean is that blue. I think the ocean might be jealous of this blue.

“Okay,” he says back. His eyes flash and I feel one hand on my waist and another slipping over my cheek as he leans down and kisses me gently.

I feel myself melt in his grasp before he pulls back.

“Friday?” he asks.

“I’ll see you Friday,” I nod, and slip from his hold. He holds open the door for me and with a look back over my shoulder as I descend the stairs, I make my way back down to street and back to face the reality of work tomorrow.

[kriskebob-blog]

Day 1, Part 1: Me vs. the grocery store

Hi again. It was really nice to hear from some of my friends and family in response to my post last night! I’m really excited to know that some people are down to read my long-ass posts about plants. I’ve also had several people offer me cookbook suggestions or even offer to have me plunder their own stash. Thanks for being my enablers, guys! (No seriously, thank you, I love you all sm.) Also, I can now reveal that my grandma texted me this morning to confirm she did indeed read my first post to its end. She’s the best!!!! This blog is rapidly evolving into a dual-purpose food/my grandma fan page and I can’t be sorry for it. 

So it’s Friday afternoon as I write this but the day I’ll be writing about is actually Wednesday. Can you tell it took me a little while to get going with the actual blogging part of this project? Anywho, I woke up Wednesday and after taking some time to wake up with a coffee, I flipped open my shiny new How Not to Die cookbook to the pages with the 2-week meal plan. I scanned the lists of recipes, already nervous. There were so many listed for every single day. I’m used to preparing dinner each night and eating leftovers for my lunches. For years my tried-and-true breakfast almost every single day has been two hard-boiled eggs and a piece of toast. So I’m really only used to having to prepare a fully involved meal once a day. You wanted to do this, I reminded myself. You have the summer off. You have the time! Trying to calm my nerves, I opened up the notes app on my laptop and began typing the names of the suggested recipes. There are no page numbers referenced on the meal plan pages, which would have made things a lot easier, just sayin’, Dr. Greger! I found the recipes and opened the grocery list Google Doc I’ve shared with my husband since we moved in together. I started typing up a shopping list. 

This was more than 48 hours ago at this point, but luckily I did stop to write down some initial thoughts. I shall share them with you now, verbatim: 

How the f@#! am I going to buy everything we need for all this? How will it fit in my fridge? Will I spend literally all day prepping all of this? Am I even going to be able to find everything I need for these recipes? 

...

16 recipes compared to my normal 4, MAYBE 5. Eating this way is obviously the vanity project of the wealthy wtf

...

It’s only two weeks. I can spend 2374623645 dollars on food for just half a month right? right?? It’s normal to spend money on hobbies? Gah

...

What the hell is date sugar?

...

I am definitely using vanilla extract instead of buying a giant vanilla bean Fresh turmeric? Where would even sell that? Ground sounds just fine to me

I noted that I began this process at 8:55. At 9:21 I wrote:

I give up… because I can already tell I’m going to be buying WAY too much produce to fit into my crisper drawer. The original plan had been to stock up enough stuff to carry me through until Monday but I can see now that’s just not going to be realistic at all. I’ll stock up on enough stuff to get me through to Friday night. I don’t want to grocery shop on the weekend if I can help it. I’ll just go again on Friday. Then I’ll probably have to go again on Monday, maybe Tuesday if I’m lucky. That’ll be three grocery store stock-ups in one week. I wanted a hobby, didn’t I?? Time to go back and redo my list to only reflect recipes for the next three days then.

I put a break in my recipes list. Alright. That brings me from 16 recipes to 8. Feels much more manageable. I look at the huge list of ingredients I amassed on my Google doc and decide it’d be easier to just delete it and restart from scratch than go through and try to remember what I now do and don’t need. 9:30.

9:45 - done. Still a LONG list. This is only for 2 days plus a dinner. But to be fair I did include stuff for a couple of desserts.

I’m a tad concerned by how none of these recipes call for ANY salt.

I was more than a tad concerned, actually. But I had my mission lined out. It was time to head to Big Y. 

Of the common local grocery store chains in Connecticut, Big Y is probably the nicest one. My husband and I used to frequent Stop & Shop but we stopped because the produce kind of sucked and anyhow the set-up of Big Y is a lot more appealing. I drove on over to the Ellington Big Y, hopeful that I’d be able to find the majority of the items I needed, but also aware that I’d probably end up at Whole Foods later that day. 

I’d been so focused on getting together my massive shopping list and hustling out to the store that I hadn’t attended to my basic personal needs with as much care as usual. I realized two things almost immediately as I crossed the parking lot: I kinda had to pee, and I was also sort of thirsty/hungry. Should I get a lemonade or something from the cafe? I wondered briefly then decided against it. I’d be fine til I got home, surely. 

Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the produce section. I bagged up two heads of lettuce and an even bigger head of red kale. I bought the biggest container of baby spinach they had and then also the biggest bag of regular spinach. Cilantro and parsley. Scallions. And that was just from the greens section! I was already tired by the time I got to the natural foods section, and I had only shopped for stuff whose location I already knew. 

I spent some time figuring out which seeds/nuts I needed that Big Y sold by the weight. It’s a really convenient and cool system, except the stupid sticker-printing machine is sort of finicky. I must have spent a solid ten minutes before I had the correct amount of almonds, cashews, pumpkin seeds, etc. Okay. Now I needed to look for some stuff that I genuinely had no idea where exactly it might be. I knew they likely were somewhere in this natural foods section, I just didn’t know where. Stuff like hemp hearts and nutritional yeast (sounded gross but it was called for in quite a few recipes). I found them eventually. Cool. Now I needed canned tomatoes and beans, but Dr. Gregor really wanted me to be sure I bought cans without a BPA liner. Seriously? Was that really going to be the thing that would make or break if I lived to see 100? But I didn’t want to half-ass the Dr. Gregor lifestyle. It was only for two weeks, after all. After way too much time studying the shelves of tomatoes and beans, I ended up with two cans of diced tomato that cost twice as much as the brand I normally purchased... and the same exact generic brand of beans I normally went for, because none of the beans at Big Y seemed to be BPA free. Whatever. I was hungrier and grumpier by the minute. I wanted to stuff something into my mouth full of sugar and gluten and whatever other chemicals were out to kill me, stat. Almost done. Just had to find frozen okra (vegan gumbo, y’all! Stay tuned), and also miso. I wasn’t too worried about the miso. Big Y has a decent Asian foods aisle... one that I paced up and down at least four times before accepting that they didn’t seem to have miso. They also didn’t have date sugar, a key ingredient to a no-bake brownies recipe I wanted to try. I have a major sweet tooth (can you tell?) and the idea of two weeks without chocolate bars or ice cream was something I refused to entertain without some sort of chocolate dessert option. Okay. No miso, no date sugar. I also hadn’t been able to find “whole wheat tortillas - no salt added” anywhere in the store. So, I’d be going to Whole Foods. I had figured as much. 

I checked out with a whopper of a bill and tried not to die too much inside at the fact that this was only two and a half day’s worth of groceries. After all, I had needed to stock up on several crunchy hippie type pantry items I hadn’t already owned. Thank god I already had a pretty sizable spice collection or my bill would have been even higher. I tried not to think of how this wasn’t even everything on my list. Not only did I still need to go to Whole Foods, but I needed to go to the farm stand. 

Shout-out to Johnny Appleseed’s Farm in Ellington. Sam and I love them, and they love us back! Okay, they love Sam back because he told them once that he had gone onto Google and fixed an incorrect listing stating they were permanently closed. They really love Sam for that. They have no idea who I am unless I walk in with him. But that’s okay. Every late July through October, Sam and I buy as much of our produce as possible from Johnny Appleseed’s. I stopped over there to load up on tomatoes, onions, peppers, carrots, and an ungodly amount of zucchini. The woman ringing me out seemed amused. “Lots of squash,” she commented. “What’re you cooking?” I stared at her, trying to remember. The recipe planning I’d done only a couple hours ago already seemed such a blur. “Zoodles,” I managed finally. “You know, like when you try to pretend you’re eating pasta but it’s actually vegetables?” She chuckled and nodded. “You make your own sauce from scratch too?” “Usually,” I told her, feeling a sudden pang of longing for a nice meaty bolognese. Wow, I really wasn’t going to be cut out for this meatless life for long. I told her goodbye and got into my car. It was sweltering outside and 10x worse inside my black interior car. I now definitely needed to pee and I was starving. Home couldn’t come fast enough. 

Of course, before I could eat my lunch I had to go through the battle of trying to fit all of this produce into my refrigerator. Even with the clearing out of the usual cartons of eggs and older produce that I’d tossed earlier that morning, it was definitely a game of Tetris trying to fit all of the extremely perishable items I’d just purchased into my fridge. I didn’t even entertain the thought of trying to fit all the vegetables in the crisper. Just to fit them in the fridge itself was an accomplishment. Thank god I hadn’t been quite stupid enough to try to buy enough groceries to last us through Monday. Dear lord, I was really going to have to go back in two days and do this again? You chose this, you chose this I sang to myself repeatedly in my head as I grabbed the container of my last non-vegan meal for two weeks: zucchini turkey meatballs, romano cheese, and marinara sauce over spaghetti. It was damned good. This is still healthy, isn’t it? Do I definitely have to give up cheese, Dr. Gregor? 

Now came the time for my final real dessert of the next two weeks. Something I end up binging on far too often when Sam leaves me at home unsupervised for too long: Aurora honey nut granola with chocolate chips mixed in. It’s so good!!! And I definitely went especially overboard that day knowing it was my last sugar binge for awhile. 

Alright. It was time to head to Whole Foods. The closest one to me is in Glastonbury and a solid 25 minute drive away. The air felt heavy and oppressive as I headed out into the heat. Ominous dark clouds hung low in the sky. I could feel the nasty air pressure in the depths of my sinuses. Blah. Almost done, I told myself. The parking lot at Whole Foods was mobbed. Why are so many people out on a random Wednesday afternoon, I grumped to myself as I narrowly avoided running over a perfectly nice young family (sorry, strangers!!) and found myself a spot. I walked inside and immediately started rubbing my arms up and down. It was freezing. One thing I love about Big Y is that they keep a lot of their refrigerated items behind doors. I forget how cold other grocery stores are. 

I don’t go to Whole Foods very often. I knew where the ethnic condiments were but had no clue where I might find “whole wheat tortillas, no salt added.” I wandered the entire length of the store twice over and finally found a small selection. They really didn’t have much to offer in the way of wraps. Too many carbs for the Whole Foods shopping crowd, I guess? I settled for normal whole wheat tortillas that did indeed have salt as an ingredient. What do you want me to do, Dr. Gregor? I’m only one person. I at least then found the date sugar no problem. Okay. Cool. Only the miso left. 

I wandered into the Asian condiments aisle... and essentially repeated the same pacing act I’d done at Big Y, except I went back and forth even more times because I had a hard time processing that Whole Foods wouldn’t have what I needed. I mean, they’ve got some weird stuff there! They have like 5 different brands of ghee! Miso sounded like such a basic Asian condiment to me. We’ve all heard of miso soup, no? But it was nowhere to be found. Ugh. Fine. I’ll go to the Asian market in East Hartford. It’s not that far from here anyways, I tried to reassure myself. I could feel a sugar crash hitting my bloodstream. I wanted a juicebox and a nap. 

I checked out and made my way to Je Mart. I wandered up and down their aisles and couldn’t seem to find miso there either. It finally occurred to me that I was obviously missing something here. Like I really should have done at Big Y in the first place, I pulled out my phone and Googled “Where do I buy miso in the store?” Within 5 seconds I realized I’d been looking in the wrong spots of the stores the entire time. Miso isn’t a bottled or jarred condiment like Sriracha or curry paste. It’s actually sold in plastic tubs in the refrigerated section. Look near the tofu, the infinite wisdom of the Internet advised. I turned around and what do you know, literally right behind me was the refrigerated section with the tofu. And within five seconds I spotted it: a tub of miso!!! I grabbed at it ecstatically and scanned the label. Was this the white miso that Dr. Gregor had specifically demanded? It didn’t specify, but it looked pale enough for me. And it was only $5 for a pretty decent sized tub. I handed my money gleefully to the cashier and went on my way. Finally. 

I got home and put away my new purchases. It was about 2:20pm and I was beyond exhausted. I really shouldn’t have eaten that much granola, I thought morosely as I flopped onto the couch. I wanted to rewatch Forks Over Knives (it’s on Netflix!). If I started now it would end right around 4, a good time to start trying to actually prepare some of the meals I’d worked so hard all the day just to shop for. 

I’m not saying that I napped for the entire documentary because I definitely didn’t. I remember some parts of it. But can I guarantee I didn’t nap at all? No, no I cannot. 

This was another long post, so obviously I’m going to need to give us all a break and stop here before going on to Part 2, in which I’ll finally talk about cooking and eating these recipes. These first couple of posts have really just been a lot of exposition, I promise I’m going to get to the meat of the plot soon! (pun intended) 

For now, here’s a picture of the miso I drove all over the state searching for before finally acquiring for the very reasonable price of $5 (fyi - Big Y does have miso but it’s red miso and it’s $7 so I guess all’s well that ends well): 

[deeeelightfuldee]

Why did you kiss the first person you kissed? so I didn’t know that was coming at all. I was 16 and it was my birthday and we were talking in his car (which was totally normal, my friends called it therapy sessions lol) and we were listening to music and I was just chilling and he looked at me after I made a joke and he grabbed my face and kissed me. I did not see it coming and afterwards he was like I hope you don’t mind that i did that -- I just.. I needed to kiss you. I was like omg! omg. omg? omg. lol

Do you care what people think? most people no. there are maybe 3 people who I really consider their opinions.

Are you listening to music? If so, what is it? there’s a song faintly in the background of the movie but it’s turned really low.

Do you like to take walks? I do, but I really like walks either with a dog which I no longer have.. or a person to talk to

Would you ever date someone out of state? I’ve done that and it’s hard. It’s not bad at all when you both are willing to make it work and desire one another more than you concern yourself with the distance. Honestly, the traveling is NOT the problem in my book. the problem is that it is really easy for people to lie/cheat and for me to be made a fool yet again. but I won’t ever completely reject the possibility.

Plans for tonight? yall it’s night time. my plans are to do this a lil bit longer. I have really bad blisters that burst on my dominant hand -- of course ha --- and it’s painful to type. But once I get a bit more tired or my brain stops panicking, then I’ll take a couple sleeping pills and turn off everything. I might check out dating apps or I might just pass on that for tonight. idk.

Do you want to go to a party? no, not at all.

Has your birthday past this year? passed? yes. it was in July.

Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed? yeah. His love language was by far physical touch and he LOVED to show off kissing me to other people, which was flattering I suppose. 

Will this year be better then last? last year was SO bad with stuff with gram/alix/family but this year has wrecked me in so many ways. I’m trying not to relive it all and I don’t want to focus on it all but man.. next year HAS to be better than this even if nothing at all happens. 

Can you listen to music while reading a book? I can if its not stuff thats BOPPIN. like if it’s just lightly in the background I can tune it out.

Are Monday mornings the hardest mornings to wake up to? lately every morning is challenging. 

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? I think about this a lot. Like I would love to relive some moments that I just felt SO incredibly loved. I really, really, really loved some moments. But I hate the tainted parts and I really just do not ever want to relive or feel some of the stuff i’ve felt. 

Last thing you ate? salad.

Who was the last person’s voice you heard? kara’s

Who do you get along with best in your family? honestly, I get along with everyone. mom is usually the closest

How old do you think you’ll be when you get married? I hate this.

Have you ever been kissed in a car? ha. yes.

Who were you last on the phone with? I think mom or mario

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? yea.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? I hope maybe.

Can you commit to one person and one person only? yes. I am a committed person.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down? ok so no, not really. not because people don’t treat me poorly, they do. they definitely do. but once I’ve been sharply disappointed by someone, I lower my expectations. I genuinely stop expecting someone to treat me a certain way. I just kind of drop my hope.

Is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you? not right now, no. Harrison sometimes says “I think you are very heavily weary and I think you are going thru a lot rn and no one is helping.” and tbh, that’s true

Do you miss your past? i efffffffffffffffffffffing miss a lot. I don’t miss my blissful ignorance to stuff.

Are you typically a happy person? my natural self is SO happy. honestly, I am normally so dagggggggum happy. thats why this struggle lately is really messing with me.

Do you miss the way things used to be between you and someone else? I miss many many many parts. which is why i need to delete snapchat asap with that person

Who last made you smile? ummm i can’t remember

Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone a lot a lot? yea. loved? yea.

Is there a difference between love and being in love? of course. I love many people but I’ve only been in love 2x. 

Have any memories that you’d like to forget? YEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

Where is your Mother? in her room sleeping

Have you ever laid on a couch with the opposite sex? yeah. one of my ex boyfriends was such a good cuddler.

Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars.

If someone said to you “nice ass” you say? I used to get that a lot at work and most of the time I would roll my eyes.

If you could change one thing this year about your life, would you? I would be completely out of love and maybe moving on to someone else.

Did you sleep alone last night? yea

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? I don’t want someone who drinks heavily. I genuinely SELDOM drink and i don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is a drunk

Do you like potato chips? i mean, not obsessively.

Are you ticklish? i am. I hate hate hate hate hate to be tickled.

Craziest place you have slept? uhhh, either on emily’s grass or on a mountain lol Have you ever been cheated on? yea. 

Can you count on anyone to be there for you, always? no

Do you think being “heart broken” is as bad as people say? its horrific. it’s legitimately horrific.