#its just that everything else about my birthday has gone wrong

[yet-another-autism-blog]

Im too autistic for birthday gifts. I want very specific things, and i can't mask my disappointment when it's not exactly right

I asked for a dvd box set and my moms got me the blu-ray version. I don't have a blu-ray player. And like, it's fine, I can go get a blu-ray player but I'm entirely too attached to my vhs/dvd player

[kipscorner]

Monsters! Feel free to change pronouns, relationship mentions and anything else to match your writing preferences! Part of the list has been put under Read More due to it being a long list!

“Uh... my friends call me Phlegm.”

“Mr.(Mrs/Miss/etc) [Name], can you tell me what you did wrong?” “There is nothing more toxic or deadly than a human child. A single touch could kill you!”

“You can't make me!”

“Yes, it's dangerous work and that's why I need you to be at your best.”

“it's going to be a perfect day to maybe, hey, just lie in bed, sleep in or simply... work out that flab that's hanging over the bed!”

“I don't believe I ordered a wake-up call, [Name].”

“Did you see me? I'm a natural!”

“Hey, wasn't I great? Did the whole family see it?”

“You've been jealous of my good looks since the fourth grade, pal.”

“Big deal. Guy takes five steps and he's there.”

“I told you, call me [Name].”

“We just wanted to wish you good luck today.”

“Quiet! You'II make him lose his focus.”

“Oh, Googley-woogley, you remembered!”

“So, uh... are we going anywhere special tonight?”

“But it's impossible to get a reservation there!”

(singing) “You and me! Me and you! Both of us together!”

“You know, pal, she's the one. That's it. She is the one!”

“Oh, and, uh, thanks for hooking me up with those reservations.”

“Oh, no problem. They're under the name Googley Bear.”

“I wasn't scared. I have... allergies.”

“Do you hear that?It's the winds of change.”

( mocking voice ): ''You hear it? You hear the winds of ch...? –Oh, what a creep. One of these days, I am really... going to let you teach that guy a lesson.”

“[Name], you didn't file your paperwork last night.”

“I'm watching you, [Name]. Always watching.”

“You're the boss! You're the boss! You're the big, hairy boss!”

“She wasn't scared of you?”

“I could've been dead! I could've died!”

“I will personally put you through the shredder!”

“I love working with that big guy.”

“[Name] and I are like brothers.(sisters//siblings/etc)”

“We're just going through a rough time, sir.(ma’am/name/etc) Everyone knows you're going to get us through it.”

“Now, that's my boy(girl,etc)!”

“I've never seen anything like you today. You were on a roll, my man.(girl/etc)”

“So get this-- as if dinner wasn't enough I'm taking her(her/them/etc) to a monster truck rally afterwards.”

“You know, I am so romantic sometimes I think I should just marry myself.”

“'Cause I got to tell you, buddy that face of hers, it just makes my heart go...Yikes!”

“Your stunned silence is very reassuring.”

“Kitty!”

“No, no-- stay back!”

“Oh, [Name], I've had a lot of birthday... well, not a lot of birthdays but this is the best birthday ever.”

“I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye(eyes) on you-- how pretty you looked.”

“What a coincidence, running into you here! Uh, I'm just going to order something to go.”

“Get out of here. You're ruining everything.”

“Please remain calm. This is not a drill.”

“Well, I don't think that date could have gone any worse.”

“Well, a kid flew right over me and blasted a car with its laser vision!”

“I tried to run from it, but it picked me up with its mind powers and shook me like a doll!”

“It is my professional opinion that now is the time to... panic!”

“No, don't touch those, you little...! Oh, now those were alphabetized.”

“It's okay, it's all right. As long as it doesn't come near us we're going to be okay.”

“I have no idea but it would be really great if it didn't do it again.”

“How could I do this? How could I be so stupid?”

“That thing is a killing machine!”

“I bet it's just waiting for us to fall asleep and then wham! Oh, we're easy prey, my friend-- easy prey. We're sitting targets.”

“Using mainly spoons, we dig a tunnel under the city and release it into the wild.”

“That's it, I'm out of ideas. We're closed. Hot air balloon? Too expensive. Giant slingshot? Too conspicuous. Enormous wooden horse? Too Greek!”

“Are you sleepy? You want to sleep? ls that what you want? Huh?” 

“No. Hey, hey, that's my bed! You're going to get your germs all over it. ( sighing ) Fine. My chair is more comfortable anyway.”

“Will you go to sleep?”

“Oh, boy, how do I explain this?”

“How about I sit here, until you fall asleep? Go ahead. Go to sleep. Now. Now... go. Uh, you... go... to... sleep. ( imitating snoring )”

“Really? Well, in that case, let's keep it. I always wanted a pet that could kill me!”

“Is that a joke? Tell me you're joking.”

“[Name], I'd like to think that, given the circumstances I have been extremely forgiving up to now but that is a horrible idea!”

“Don't panic-- we can do this.”

“Actually, that's my, uh, cousin's sister's daughter…”

“That is the weirdest thing you have ever said.”

“That's a cute little dance you've got. It almost looks like you've got to…”

“Where did she go? Oh, did she disappear? Did she turn invisible?”

“[Name], my tender, oozing blossom you're looking fabulous today.Is that a new haircut? Come on, tell me. It's a new haircut, isn't it? That's got to be a new haircut. New makeup? You've had a lift. You've had a tuck. You've had something. Something has been inserted in your skin that makes you look like...”

“Ready or not, here I come! I'm getting warmer! Any second now! Fee fi fo…”

“Don't you think I'm aware of the situation? I was up all night!”

“Yeah, well, until we know for sure we're going to act like nothing happened, understand?”

“You're right, you're right. We're just two regular joes on our way to work. We will blend right in!”

“Very good. Now bon voyage!”

“That's what I decided to call her(him/them). Is there a problem?”

“[Name], you're not supposed to name it. Once you name it, you start getting attached to it!”

“ow put that thing back where it came from, or so help me…!”

“But if it was an inside job I'd put my money on [Third party].”

“( whimpers ) last night was one of the worst nights of my entire life, bar none!”

“Sushi? Sushi?!! You think this is about sushi?!”

“So I said, ''If you talk to me like that again, we're through!''

“Oh, well, hello, there. What's your name?”

“I got us a way out of this mess but we got to hurry.”

“Oh, you're all right! I was so worried! Don't you ever run away from me again, young lady(mnan/etc)! Oh, but I'm so glad you're safe.”

“We're going to get our lives back. The nightmare is over.”

“Okay, first of all, it's cree-tin. If you're going to threaten me do it properly.”

“Well somebody's certainly been a busy bee.”

“I'm sorry, [Name], but [Third party] said I'm not allowed to fraternize with victims of his(her/etc) evil plot.”

“We got to get out of here now! We can start a whole new life somewhere far away!”

“I was going for a snake ninja approach with a little hissing.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? It's all about presence!”

“[Name]? [Name], it's me…”

“[Name]? No, no, no, no. It's okay. I was just…No, no, no, no, no, don't be scared. That wasn't real. It's just a...I was just…”

“Does anyone else know about this?”

“All you had to do was listen to me-- just once! But you didn't, did you? You're still not listening!”

“Welcome to the Himalayas!”

“Snow cone? No, no, no. Don't worry-- it's lemon.”

“Did you see the way she(he/etc)... looked at me?”

“Take my buddy, Bigfoot. When he was banished he fashioned an enormous diaper out of poison ivy. Wore it on his head like a tiara. Called himself King Itchy.”

“Look at that big jerk. Ruined my life, and for what?”

“Wasteland? I think you mean wonderland! I mean, how about all this fabulous snow, huh?”

“Okay, rule number one out here. Always…No.Never go out in a blizzard.”

“None of it matter...Wa-wait a second. None of it matters?”

“So, now the truth comes out, doesn't it?”

“What about everything we ever worked for? Does that matter? Huh?”

“What about me? I'm your pal. I'm... I'm your best friend. Don't I matter?”

“I'm sorry, [Name]. I'm sorry we're stuck out here. I didn't mean for this to happen. But [Third Party]’s in trouble.”

“'Whoa, whoa, whoa. ''We''? No. There's no ''we'' this time, pal. I-if-if you want to go out there and freeze to death you be my guest... because you're on your own.”

“I never should have trusted you with this.”

“Let's get you home.”

“You don't know how long I've wanted to do that, [Name].”

“I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think.” “I'm being attacked!”

“No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest. Just hear me out. You and I are a team. Nothing is more important than our friendship.”

“If you start crying, I'm going to cry and I'II never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you but I am now.”

“[Name], I am baring my soul here. The least you could do is pay attention!”

“Somebody's got take care of you, you big hairball!”

“[Name], if you don't tell me what's going on right now, we are through! You hear me? Through!”

“You expect me to believe that pack of lies, [Full name]!”

“Go get 'em, Googley Bear!”

“What a plan-- simple, yet insane!”

“How are we supposed to get to it now? Oh, it's a dead end, [Name]!”

“Hurry up, hurry up! Give me your hand.”

“Jump! I'm behind you!”

“Hurry up! Keep moving!”

“You stupid, pathetic waste!”

“You've been number one for too long, [Name]. Now your time is up!”

“Mama, another gator got in the house!”

“Give me that shovel! Come here!”

“All right, I got a move here. It'II bring down the house.”

“I think we stopped him, [Name]. You're safe now.”

“She's(he’s/etc) seen too much. You both have.”

“Well, I don't know about the rest of you guys but I spotted several big mistakes.”

“Two and a half years of undercover work were almost wasted.”

“What, you mean... you mean, I can't see her(him/etc) again?”

“I bet we get the rest of the day off.”

“Come on, pal, cheer up, we did it!”

“Oh, sure, we put the factory in the toilet, and... gee, hundreds of people will be out of work now. Not to mention the angry mob that'II come after us when there's no more power, but, hey... at least we had some laughs, right?”

“Oh, I love kindergarten. Best three years of my life.”

“[Name], you're such a charmer.”

[everythingwasnormalhere]

i don't really wanna do much today so...

what about an analysis of I've Got You, Brother because i wanna rant about it >:3

(i've been thinking about all this a lot since I wrote it lol)

huge spoilers under the cut so please i beg you don't read it till you've finished the fic ;w;

probably the first scene of this fic i thought while knowing i wanted it to appear in it, was the scene after lucas' funeral. a while before that i already had the headcanon of kevin giving kenny that red scarf of his, but that scene, unlike this one, wasn't fully developed when i daydreamed it.

my kenny, slv kenny, has a lot of trauma as a kid, trauma that shapes his personality later on. yet, he's learned he needs to suck it up, not tell anyone - mainly because his uncle taught him so. lucas was gay indeed, stuart got that one right at least, but after he did what he did to kevin, he decided it was too dangerous. kevin would snitch, surely, he was old enough to know it was wrong, he had proven this. kenny was not.

"never tell anyone about this", he had promised, and so kenny never really specified it - loyalty, fear, who knew. but he couldn't help but take kevin's word that lucas was gone, and maybe that's why he slipped. kevin never asked any more questions, kenny never gave him any more answers.

(Brother by Kodaline - the song this fic took its title from - just started playing, and that is incredibly fitting XD)

"“You look like shit” Kenny pointed out. “You should see the other guy” Kevin smiled, sitting next to Kenny."

a fun fact about this scene, is that i thought of it before anything else in this fanfic, yet with a different theme. i was feeling pretty dysphoric, my parents were being transphobic assholes, nothing new, and i said "why not project this onto kenny?". in the original scenario, kenny would come out to his father, or maybe he'd be outed by some reason, and stuart would be no good about it, so kevin would jump in and defend his brother. then, everything would turn out as it does in the fic.

but slv kenny's agab is left ambiguous, and it will stay that way, which makes the original idea lose all its sense. yet, as i wanted to write it and add it to the story, i figured out another thing the fight could've stemmed from, and rolled with it. it being kenny's birthday was just something that came to me as i wrote, but it makes a sensing way for him to receive his parka so all good XD

next scene is probably the closest these two ever went to talking about their feelings. "He wanted me to go with his friends, he didn't want to hang out with me." was a typical occurence by the time they were twelve/thirteen, which is when that happens. kenny had gone to that type of hang outs a few times already, and always felt as if he wasn't welcome there, his presence and his exit equally unnoticed. butters had always the best intention, but are good intentions ever enough? the spot at the rooftop became kenny's favorite place since that night.

kevin isn't too talkative, or at least not slv kevin, but he knows his brother all too well, as shown in the next scene.

i needed it to be from kenny's pov, even if just to show the shock at "Kevin had never hit him sober." - because kevin had hit him drunk, not even just that, but typically kevin was at least a bit tipsy. him being violent yet sober showed the importance of the situation - and also showed how easily kenny would accept kevin becoming stuart 2.0.

it was short before butters ran away from home, and kenny was going through possibly the worst moments of his life till then. it was also the time in which he would kill himself every other day, trying to find a way that stuck. the broship had broken, kenny's home life was as shitty as always, what was the point? "But- Kenny, I can't let you waste your life like that. I'm probably gonna become a poor drunk guy like mom and dad, but you're smart dude. You have a future. Don't throw it away". those words likely saved kenny's life. kevin knows him, but he's too quiet to show it. yet, when he sees his brother in that state? he can't help but try and pull him out of it.

"This was the first time Kevin had seen his brother in weeks" says a lot about the mccormicks, actually. kenny, spending his days out with his friends or stuck in his room. kevin, not coming home until he has to. they had lost each other, grown up enough to stop needing the other as much. yet, kevin's always up to helping kenny out.

their conversation on the couch, just proves how much they really love each other. kenny doesn't really cuddle with anyone besides butters and his siblings, and kevin isn't much of the type to be physically affectionate with pretty much anyone. yet they enjoy being in each other's company, and they trust each other enough for it. "“Fucked him yet?” Kevin half joked." also shows how much kevin really knows his brother - even after they're not that in touch, he's noticed how close butters and kenny really are. he's also proving to kenny how he will not judge, allowing him to open up if he ever wants to, without fearing a reaction like the one their parents would likely have.

("“I love you”, is what Kevin would've said were he more vocal about his feelings. But he wasn't, so he took a sip of his beer and turned up the volume.". fun fact, they never said they love each other, and now you're forced to live with this information :3)

"“Showed up when I died, haven't left ever since” Kenny nonchalantly said, and Kevin shrugged it off". I don't have much to say about this scene, but fuck me if kenny isn't like this. he's sincere with kevin, yet aware he won't be believed, so he doesn't really press it. kevin, meanwhile, is used to his brother saying stuff like that. if kenny had ever told kevin about his curse? i like to believe kevin wouldn't have hesitated to believe everything about it.

aaand we're at the final arc of igyb!!

(after i took a tiny doomscrolling break bc fingers hurt smh)

i think i should first talk about why i did what i did. and that is, killing kevin off.

you see, in most stories and universes where kevin dies, he does it heroically. saving his siblings from their parents' wrath, getting in the way of a gunshot, taking part in a fight - he dies a hero. that's not how real life works. people just... die. without a warning. without a reason. one day they're there, the next they're gone forever.

kenny thought he understood death, mostly after having died so often, but he didn't. kevin's death, it made him realize people just leave forever, not giving any warning, not saying goodbye. human life is such a fragile thing, and he won't waste his stuck in the shithole of a town south park is. he's terrified of losing his friends the way he lost kevin, he's terrified of permanently dying with nobody to remember him.

he was lucky laura offered to take karen in, because otherwise, he probably would have stayed. but he knows, she'd be kept safe, and most importantly, away from their parents.

and, kenny?

he is going to live.

[astrronomemes]

ON EARTH WE'RE BRIEFLY GORGEOUS: STARTERS

a collection of quotes, phrases, and sayings from the 2019 Ocean Vuong novel, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous. change & alter as needed.

"Grab your coat. I'll get you McDonald's."

"You have to get bigger and stronger, okay?"

"The human eye is God's loneliest creation. How so much of the world passes through the pupil, and still, it holds nothing."

"A survivor is the last one to come home."

"To be a monster is to be a hybrid signal, a lighthouse: both shelter and warning at once."

"You're a monster. But so am I — which is why I can't turn away from you."

"They say that trauma affects not only the brain, but the body, too — its musculature, joints, and posture."

"Stop crying! You're always crying!"

"Whether we want to or not, we are traveling in a spiral. We are creating something new from what is gone."

"Theories are for people with too much time and not enough determination."

"I don't know if you're happy, [name]. I never asked."

"It is a beautiful country, depending on where you look."

"It is a beautiful country, because you are still breathing."

"It is a beautiful country, because you are still in it."

"There are no animals here but us."

"Everything good is somewhere else, baby, I'm telling you. Everything."

"The most useful thing one can do with empty hands is hold on."

"I'm not scared of dying anymore."

"I fucking hate my dad."

"This is my superpower — to make a dark even darker than what's around me."

"What do you call the animal that, finding the hunter, offers itself to be eaten?"

"Sometimes, being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined."

"Do you remember the happiest day of your life? What about the saddest?"

"Do you think we'll still hang out when we're a hundred?"

"I don't like girls."

"I can leave, [name]. If you don't want me, I can go. I won't be a problem, and nobody has to know."

"For the first time in a long time, I'm trying to believe in heaven. In a place we can be together after all this blows over."

"They say every snowflake is different. But the blizzard, it covers us all the same."

"I don't celebrate my birthday anymore."

"They say nothing lasts forever, but they're just scared it will last longer than they can love it."

"I think I just deep-throated an invisible cock."

"I miss you more than I remember you."

"Too much joy, I swear, is lost in our desperation to keep it."

"If there's a heaven, I think it looks like this."

"Maybe in the next life, we'll meet each other for the first time — believing in everything but the harm we're capable of."

"Don't cry on me again. Don't you cry on me now."

"What have we become to each other if not what we've done to each other?"

"What are we if not what the light says we are?"

"All this time, I told myself we were born from war. But I was wrong, [name]. We were born from beauty."

"They say if you want something bad enough, you'll end up making a god out of it."

"I know you believe in reincarnation. I don't know if I do, but I hope it's real. Because then maybe you'll come back here next time around."

[sharada-n]

@zehecatl would have my head if I didn't post this publicly which is silly because WOW AM I RUSTY AT WRITING THESE TWO BUT UH-

Here you go babe happy birthday MWAH

-

They’ve been watching the sliver of moon visible outside their cell get smaller and smaller.

Inuyasha doesn’t act differently than he has the past week or so. He’s restless, and that’s about what Miroku is used to from him - even more so now that they’ve been captured. Always searching for something, always heading towards something. Like if he sits still, that’s the same as dying. And Miroku won’t pretend he can’t relate, because that is how it has been for him too. With the curse being a poignant reminder of time running out, Miroku doesn’t feel he has much to waste.

But if he doesn’t have time to slow down once in a while, then what is the point? If life isn’t worth living, then he might as well give up now and not inflict the next person with the same suffering that will one day consume him.

“You’re thinking too hard,” Inuyasha says. He’s frowning at him, as if Miroku’s mind wandering is a personal slight against him.

“You should try it sometime,” he tells him. And Inuyasha’s brow quirks in amused irritation.

Maybe he’s not wrong that Miroku needs to get out of his own head. But there’s not much else to do while locked in a room. They’ve tried everything to get out, but the paper seals outside are too powerful and they don’t know where the others are, which is its own kind of torture, isn’t it? That’s one thing Miroku prefers not to think about.

“The new moon will be soon,” he says instead.

It’s pretty clear from Inuyasha’s face that’s something he doesn’t want to think about either.

“Yeah…” he mumbles after a moment, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms.

“They might kill you,” Miroku adds. Casually, as if it hasn’t been on the forefront of both their thoughts.

“I’d like to see them try,” Inuyasha spits, fire in his eyes and it’s the same as always but also not at all similar. Miroku knows he’ll do something reckless, like he often does.

He can’t allow that to happen. If not for his own selfishness, then for the sake of the others, who probably need Inuyasha more than they need him.

The next night, the moon is gone. Techno’s hair turns black, his eyes fade from their vibrant gold to a paleish gray. It almost takes Miroku’s breath away each time he sees it. Sometimes he reaches out just to brush his fingers through Inuyasha’s hair, a touch the other man used to flinch away from but now begrudgingly allows. Miroku smiles and leans closer to him, using the cold in the cell as an excuse.

He always thought it would be fine to die.

He was raised with it, really. And it never left him, even when he struggled against it. Even when meeting them gave him hope that it didn’t need to end that way. The fear never came back the way it was there when he watched his father be swallowed into nothing.

So when Miroku hears footsteps from down the hallway, it’s easy for him to get up.

Inuyasha reaches for his wrist, barely manages to catch onto his sleeve, but Miroku pulls free. They’re both human tonight. 

“What the fuck are you-” Inuyasha doesn’t even get a chance to finish.

Miroku throws a punch at the first guy that comes on. A good one though, he manages to catch them square in the jaw. The man yelps and stumbles backward into one of his friends. His throat is grabbed immediately after, but it’s fine. They always only take one of them to entertain themselves with at night. Tonight it just has to be Miroku. It has to be.

At least the feeling of fingers leaving bruises on his skin is familiar enough.

—

“Why the fuck did you do that?” Inuyasha asks him when they’re back together. Miroku was more or less thrown into the cell again. Their captors didn’t give Inuyasha a second glance. He doubts they even noticed he’s a human tonight.

“You know you can just thank people when they protect you,” Miroku mumbles. His cheek is bruised where it presses into Inuyasha’s shoulder. So close it aches, his skin crawling with every inch that connects them. He feels too cold, yet also like he can’t stand to live without the touch.

But there’s no chance Inuyasha will let him go after that stunt. And maybe Miroku is secretly grateful for it.

“I don’t need you to protect me,” Inuyasha says.

Miroku laughs. “Just because you don’t need me to doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” He tries to flick Inuyasha’s forehead, but the other man catches his wrist.

“Don’t,” he says, testily. Always so on edge. Miroku chuckles again. Then Inuyasha glances at his bruised knuckles. Miroku might be delirious because he almost wishes Inuyasha would press his lips to them. Gentle, brief.

He doesn’t, of course.

But he does smile, and his forehead presses against the top of Miroku’s head, and the dawn is minutes away.

And for a moment, Miroku doesn’t care if they’ll get out of here or not.

[gornackeaterofworlds]

April looks at the weapons on the wall, expression tight. They say that they aren’t assassins, but she knows that they hurt others. She likes them a lot. The journalist in her can’t help but wonder, though: what else doesn’t she know yet?

She reaches up and touches the hilt of one of the katanas. The leather is soft with use. April runs her finger along it, just feeling the texture. She can tell where he puts his hands.

It is quiet in the lab that she has come to think of as their lair. Very carefully, she lifts the katana off the wall. It is heavy, and she wonders briefly if he still feels that weight.

Almost without thinking, April lifts up one finger and taps the blade. She can feel how sharp it is. Honed. Lethal. Ready to kill. Ready to protect.

“Don’t touch that-” Startled, April turns, katana first. The figure behind her grabs her wrists and backs her into the wall, arms above her head. The katana hangs threateningly above her head as his brother’s weapons rattle at the impact. “-unless you know how to use it.”

Adrenaline floods April’s body, and she breathes hard as her hand tightens on the katana. She can feel something wet making its way down her other hand, but she doesn’t take her eyes off of him. Or, well. His eyeholes.

Annoyance follows the adrenaline rush. Here she is, exposed to everything, while he hides behind a mask, behind darkness and secret. She wants to tear that mask off of him, to ferret out every secret and expose him to the light.

His hold is tight when she tests it, and she bares her teeth at him in frustration. “Let me go.”

He stares her down. Or at least she assumes he does. Who knows what he’s actually doing. His hold tightens as April continues to try and escape his grasp without dropping the katana on her head.

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing? What kind of danger is hanging over your head?” April stills, narrowing her eyes as she assesses him.

“I’ll find out, won’t I?” His mask twitches as she stares defiantly into his eyes. Eyeholes. Whatever.

“Tch.” He lets her go, and April almost drops the katana on her head. He stops it at the last second, disarming her and placing the katana back in its spot on the wall in one smooth move. He turns to leave, tossing something over his shoulder. “For the blood.”

April catches the cloth and looks down at it in confusion. Something red drips down her left forearm, and she turns her hand to discover that she cut her finger when he startled her. She presses the cloth to the wound and looks up to find him gone.

Her lips twitch. If he intended to warn her off, he’d definitely gone about it the wrong way.

(🎶happy birthday to you🎶)

OHHHH MY GOD???? HELLO?????

[autumntouched]

omg i am a firm believer that 1.) jake was born to be a girl dad and 2.) nat notices her tiny bump one day before showering and she calls him into the bathroom and she’s standing there all giddy and is like “do you notice something different about me” and he immediately starts crying when he notices the little bump 🥹🥹

Day 20 of Ode to Phoenix

Did I want to write the Hannix Football Rivalry AU requests in order? Yes. Did that happen? Apparently not. This one just jumped out of me, and I was in too deep to write anything else for today

Jake as a girl dad has me 😍🥰🥹 He definitely was

Omg, I am giggling kicking my feet at this thought about her baby bump discovery 💗

Summary: Hannix Football Rivalry AU. Natasha has a Baby on Board, and it's not Bob

Pairing: Natasha "Phoenix" Trace x Jake "Hangman" Seresin

Warnings: Pregnancy symptoms, early pregnancy partner struggles, mention of oral sex but nothing explicit

A/N: To whoever requested, I hope you enjoy my love xx

Do You Notice Something Different?

Natasha stumbles into the bathroom and pushes her hair out of her face, grateful it’s finally Saturday. Despite listening to her family and friends talk about their pregnancies for several years, nothing prepared her for the level of exhaustion she’s felt these last few weeks. Jake has pretty much taken over everything in their life that isn’t her job. Including making an early morning run to the grocery store because she’s craving lemon, blueberry ricotta pancakes she once had at a restaurant in New York City.

She strips off her pajamas before emptying her bladder for the third time already this morning. While she pees, Natasha closes her eyes and drops her head into her hands. Outside of deployments, the last few weeks are the longest she and Jake have gone without having sex since they started hooking up. Whether she’s been too tired, too sick, or too sore, usually some combo thereof, he's taken it all in stride. He's even been understanding about her not wanting him to touch her, although she can tell that part has been the hardest on him. Until recently, she hadn't realized how important their physical connection is to him.

But it finally seems like she’s coming out the other side of the miserable first weeks with her appetite, for food and sex, starting to return. At least this morning she'd been able to think about giving Jake a blow job without triggering her gag reflex.

She flushes the toilet and leans forward over the sink to wash her hands. Tentatively, she ventures a look in the mirror. Her face is getting its color back, although the faint lines around her eyes and mouth have deepened. Her breasts, well, those are definitely different. They're fuller and heavier, stretching her bras to the brink of their adjustments. She'll have to buy new ones soon.

Her hands freeze as her gaze drifts down further. Is that a trick of the reflection? Hurriedly, Natasha straightens and looks down at her stomach. It's slight, but it's there. A little bump in her abdomen. She sucks in her stomach, but it keeps its shape.

She turns off the water and dries her hands, accidentally pulling the towel off the rack in her rush. She tosses it onto the counter and places her hands flat on her sides then slides them to meet in the middle of her stomach. They rise slightly before they stop over her belly button. Definitely a bump.

Hand over her mouth, Natasha looks in the mirror and turns to check her profile, to be sure. There it is. A small, round protrusion. The first sign of Jake's birthday baby.

"Jake!" she shouts. "Jake, come here!"

In her excitement, she doesn't realize that screaming for her husband while pregnant might send the wrong signal. "What is it!" There's a commotion in the kitchen and then the sound of Jake's footsteps pounding through the house. "Nat! Sweetheart, are you okay?" he yells. Oh shit, he's going to break his neck thinking she's hurt.

"Wait, I'm fine, but come here!" she calls back. It doesn't sound like he's slowed down. "I'm fine!"

He bursts into the bathroom with a look of panic on his face, hands still covered in flour from making her pancakes. But she's too excited to wait for him to calm down.

"Do you notice something different about me?" she asks giddily, holding her arms out at her sides.

For a long moment, Jake looks like he's still trying to process that he didn't find her in a heap on the floor. Then his eyes drift down her body, and she can't really blame him when they get stuck on her breasts. His face goes bright red, although there's an aroused gleam in his eye. He swallows but doesn't say anything.

She knows why he's silent and finds yet another reason to fall in love with him. Not that she'd dwelled on having a smaller chest much, because it's generally convenient as an aviator, but it was always something that made her self-conscious in bed. Since the night early in their relationship when she'd drunkenly apologized to him for it, Jake has always made sure she knows how much he adores her perfect little chest. Which isn't quite as little anymore.

She giggles and reassures him that he won't hurt her feelings for appreciating the change. "Okay, yes. You can enjoy those later." His face gets even redder. "Besides that, notice anything different?" She turns to the side as a hint.

He drags his gaze lower and the arousal blasts right out of his face. His jaw slackens, and his eyes are bright and already glistening when he looks back up at her. "Is that?" he checks but chokes up.

Natasha bites her lip, feeling tears prick at her own eyes in response to his. She cries at the sight of a dryer sheet on the floor these days so she's not going to be able to withstand him crying. She nods. He takes a step toward her then hesitates, and her heart clenches with guilt. The last time he'd touched her, trying to help while she threw up in a bag in their car, she'd pushed him away and yelled at him to leave her alone. After apologizing for lashing out, she'd miserably told him she needed space and watched as he hid his hurt while promising her he would do whatever she needed.

She reaches out and takes his hand to bring it to her stomach. His touch remains light and uncertain so she steps into it until his large palm lies flat across the bump of their baby. She closes her eyes, feeling the protective warmth and curve of his fingers, dry and slightly rough from the flour still on them. Relief washes over her when she realizes that she's missed his caresses, the tender way his thumb strokes across her skin, the firm pressure of his love expressed in a touch.

A warm drop hits her bare shoulder, and Natasha looks up to see Jake standing over her, tears running freely down the handsome planes of his face. A few get caught in the corners of his trembling smile. "Is that our baby, sweetheart?"

"Yeah," she says softly, her own vision blurry as she thumbs away the tears from his lips before standing on tiptoe to kiss him. "That's our baby, sweetheart."

As hungry as she is, Natasha doesn't want him to leave her yet. She leads him into the shower and settles her back into the curve of his solid chest. They stand under the water, his temple pressed to hers, arms circled around her and hands splayed over the little bulge of their baby.

"Jake?"

He squeezes her then starts to drop his hold, but she catches his arms. "No. I don't want you to let us go."

Jake kisses the curve of her ear. "I won't," he promises.

Tag List: @melodiousoblivionao3

Ode to Phoenix Masterlist

[maitaiwiththecorpses]

letters to him

Thank you all for voting so much, so without further ado, all five parts of letters to him!

letters to him (natalya)- April 9th, 2024

dear,

dearest,

my dearest,

but not anymore

because you see we can’t seem to stop fighting

it’s like we’re always at war.

it used to be cute back when we were

Love,

Loved,

Loving (?)

of each other

but perhaps it’s just me pushing

all that love down the gutter

i’m a prude and so crude and you can’t seem to make up your mind about me

i piss you off, and damn i’m so off and Miss. Rachiminoff in your shadow

treated like a little sister and despised by all of your misters

‘aggressive, much?’ You asked one noon and I knew in that moment all I was to you,

an exotic little girl who begged for your plastic spoon

the promise of life and death and “fly me to the moon”

and when my heart pumped blood enough to be fuel to our moon

you made me your Monna Vanna and wrote me as a fool

letters to him (sabrina)- April 9th, 2024

little poem little lie

what a beast, ‘Here She Lies’

three time’s the charm

that’s a damn lie

I tried once,

twice,

five thousand times

their screams and cries inside these walls

bounce around like his favorite tennis ball

“NO”

one more time

“NO”

just one more

“NO”

i’m on the floor wishing it would all just stop.

you threaten me after hearing my words

languages i never thought you’d learn

swears that we promised in the dead of the night would never spurn from your mouth to mine

on the ground, in the air, right in front of us to plead with sighs

you to took my image and ground me to the core

and now all that’s left is some numbskulled-whore

letters to him (olivia)- April 10th, 2024

Rageful women never get far

darling, maybe that was our destined start

Me, to rule with a crown full of tears and a head full of hope

You, to strike me down with all of my fears and the promise of a tantalizing grown man

someone to come home

but

Teenage girls never get far

and baby, that’s what’s been wrong from the start

You, expecting perfect

Me, thinking it too

i wish i could come home

but

After everything I said to you?

letters to him (taylor)- April 10th, 2024

Speak the words that nobody else does

I wonder how long these words were unsaid

Passive belonging and talk of my talent

You never believed it till I softly said,

“Come for me at the dusk and the dawn,

Where the daylight bends and the rivers are gone

How come women are weak when it’s time to move on?

Every regret has its own mournful song”

And to keep in the light from this shadowed world

I decided no regrets are spared on men with subpar clothes

Maybe a king would have mercy, or even a queen

But a goddess primordial no man has ever seen.

letters to him (lizzie)- April 10th, 2024

It takes time to put aside

Every painful boy

Till one comes up and says “that’s love” with a shrug and a mournful smile

He reminded me of nebulas

And galaxies

And stars that were tested with time

At this point most people think the list is over, but I've only just described his eyes

It’s like the sun found a boy and said,

“you will walk my earth,

and with that blessing,

may your very heart

be that of Hestia’s hearth”

And then they pulled him from fiction, and put him in the rain

Those eyes of galaxies and stars that could never know such pain.

He waited patiently till monster turned friend,

And when found by a hunter, he predicted their crooked end.

I know when I get too dark I should avoid his gaze

But for him, I’d waste every birthday wish, loose eyelash, and every single star

And if he doesn’t want my stars and wishes, like the ones in his eyes,

I’ll pack up my letters

And kiss him goodbye

[weshallc]

Happy Burns Night 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🥃🎻🪈🦔

I'm going to republish my 5 chapter Bern's Night story following this post that I started as an explainer, but it turned into something more.

I wrote this part of the Crown Jewels CtM AU series a few years ago, partly as a tribute to my dad who shared a birthday with Robbie Burns (Scotland's greatest poet). We celebrated every year to different degrees, sometimes as part of an official Burns society dinner in Scotland or the North East of England. Or at home (I can cook a mean Burns Supper).

For anyone who has lost someone close to them and feels stuck in the grieving process, just give it time. It's not a race or a competition or something you have to achieve, or a test you must pass or anyone else's business.

My wee glimmer of hope I wanted to share today is this; I've gone from on anniversaries remembering the last of everything, as in the last birthday, the last Christmas, last time I watched this show, last time Sunderland won... to remembering the best of everything. The best birthdays.... because often the last was far from the best.

Previously, that would bug me. I wanted the last to be the best, because in a perfect world, it should be. I think the media believes this too. We are often overwhelmed with stories about Bucket Lists and Making Memories when someone has a terminal diagnosis and although a lot of these stories are inspiring; they put a lot of pressure on loved ones. Not only to care for their beloved, but to make their last days as special and magical as possible.

A great aspiration, but the reality is caring for someone is probably the most difficult thing a person will ever be asked to do. End of life can be ugly, cruel and dehumanising, as well as something that can be managed well, beautiful and empowering.

Unfortunately, the balance of these differing experiences often comes down to how much money someone has and what they can afford to pay to access often scant services. Whether that's paying for private nursing care outside state provision or insurance cover or being placed on a waiting list, that is much longer than the days you have left to be applicable for it. (That's after managing to fit in all the form filling and constant phonecalls you really don't have time for to get on the pointless list)

You may not have been Flo Nightingale or even Phyllis Crane, but you did your best for your loved one. There is no question about that, whatever the circumstance, because you didn't create the circumstance.

You may have regrets or would have chosen to do a few things differently, but with the resources, knowledge and skills you had available to you at the time, you did your best, because we always do for those we love.

Disclaimer: The story has a lot more laughs than this post and not compulsory reading.

BTW: if you aren't familiar with the Crown Jewels CtM AU, no prior knowledge is required. It's very simple, like its author. He's a pub landlord, she's a barmaid/carer, the Noakeses are the police, Mount Busby is an alpaca farm, Cynthia and Angela are cars and everyone is the wrong age. See very straight forward. It’s also set in a village in the North-East of England, an oversight I think by both Jennifer Worth and Heidi Thomas when writing the original. But, no hard feelings.

[maddiem4-writes]

Yes, Anything

Close your eyes. It's late afternoon, and the golden streams of sunlight are creeping in through the stained glass of a half-full bar, lighting the dust motes into visible beams of varying tints and colors. This place doesn't get busier than happy hour, and for two women sitting at their regular booth - not a clean table, but probably the cleanest to be found here, with the least indeterminate stickiness and stale beer smell - it's the perfect density of schlubby middle-aged patrons and thin enthusiastic hipsters for a pair of conspirators to have a private conversation in peace and comfort. You notice that the thinner, sharper-edged of the two seems deep in thought…

I leaned back and groaned, blowing a smooth and careless river of smoke between my pursed lips, The Cigarette perched between my fingers in a deceptively tight two-finger pose. Carmen waited patiently, sipping her beer, watching me think. The noise of the bar, in warm tones like the wood of our booth seats, faded into the background. I closed my eyes and considered the biology of it. Everything else fell away from my attention, the clink of glass and murmur of regulars, gone.

"Fuck. There's no way around it." I opened my eyes and glared at a chip in the far wall. "We need a changeling."

Carmen laughed. "A changeling? Where are we gonna find a changeling for this job?" She brushed some crumbs off her oversized sweater, which permitted a clearer view of the permanent stains on the Eagles logo. She tapped at the edge of her plate with a finger. "What about a wolf. Eh? They're a dime a dozen in this town, we both know it. They transform too."

I shook my head. "Not in a way that could sever the connection. You still have an arm before, and an arm after, right? Either way, from wolf to human or back again."

She picked up her sandwich, took a big bite, and responded around it. "Shuw. Thas how weahwolves wook. Obviouswy."

"Obviously." I pointed at my arm. "Which is why we can't use a wolf for this job. It needs to be arm, then no arm - quick." I lowered my voice to a whisper. "You have to understand, this thing doesn't want to exist on its own. It'll work its little knifey ass off to stay integrated with the host."

Carmen gulped down her bite of BLT. "Right. The whole blood thing. Why is everything about blood, anyways?"

I shrugged. "Blood is life. Everybody wants life."

"Sweetie, I raised four kids. If I asked one of them what he wanted for his birthday, and he said 'blood,' we'd be looking up psychs in the phone book." She went in for another mouthful. "It's gwoss, bwood is gwoss."

"Well Carnificābō wants blood. It's just a dull, lifeless little stage prop without a host vascular system to tangle itself up in. It needs a battery, or it can't do its thing."

"Well why not one of us?" She wiped her mouth with her sleeve. "We've got arms and some shape changing abilities, asterisk."

I shook my head. "We're dead batteries. The knife needs a living thing."

Carmen gave me a devilish grin. "Well that probably rules out a few other options, don't it?"

I couldn't help but smile back at her. "You were going to suggest a vampire, weren't you?"

She took another glug of her beer. It was some kind of stout or porter, dark and heavy. "You know me. And I know you - if a vamp could do the job…"

I stared her down, lifting The Cigarette back up to my lips. "I'd do what's necessary. I'd complain, but I'd do it." I sucked the air through the tobacco and the filter. "A woman has to have her priorities in order."

"See that's what I kept telling myself." I saw the muscles in her neck tense up just a bit. "You can take that hint any time, honey."

I stared at The Cig, now nearly burnt down, and I stubbed it out in the ashtray in front of me. "I'm still just fine with my choices, thanks. I know what I want."

"At all costs."

"More or less."

She shook her head. "You're a fucking nutcase. I'm loving the ride, don't get me wrong here, sugar. I'm in all the way to see what happens. But you're a fucking nutcase, with a fucking nutcase contract, and that's just the facts."

I chuckled. "Yeah, I have the nutcase contract? Look who's talking."

She shook her head vigorously, swiping no with her hands, in a way that made the leftover cigarette smoke dance out of the way. "Uh-uh. There's a line, Lizzie - see, my contract is unwise." She made a vertical gesture with her hands, this box over here. "Your contract…" She gestured again in a distinctly separate zone of the space between us. "… is unwell. There's a difference."

"You're saying you'd pick something else, if you had the chance to do it over?"

"I dunno. I might. I think about it sometimes."

"Hey, I keep offering to go break some linebacker kneecaps for you…"

She jabbed her finger at me. "Don't you fucking dare."

I smirked, and took a second to go back to WINTER, 16 YEARS OLD, NEXT TO THE ICE MACHINE BEHIND THE 7-ELEVEN, HOLDING THE Cigarette. The only one I ever smoked. It was bad at the time, put me off smoking for the rest of my life, but after living I'd developed the acquired taste. It was a Camel Blue, better than a pack of blues you could buy today and at a cost of zero dollars. I stuck it in my mouth, struck the lighter in my other hand, and puffed the Cig to life for the thousand and something-eth time.

She glared as I continued smugly, "… and every time I offer, you always react like that. That's no way to live forever, you know."

"Well, not everyone is quite so 'aT All cOsTs' as you." It was a very funny impression, cartoonishly affable and icy. I was flattered. "It's the goddamn Eagles, you fucking harlot. There's things in this world that are sacred."

I couldn't help but show my teeth in a Cheshire cat grin. "This is why you're so fun to work with, Carmen. The way your mind works is a delicious and profound mystery to me."

She rolled her eyes, arms crossed, huffy. I could practically see the gears turning in her head. "And if we get the knife? Who's on the kill list, other than the obvious?"

I stole the sandwich off her plate and scarfed down a bite before she could protest. She stared at me, dumbfounded, and I winked at her. "Ashide from him - (mm) - obvioushly, there'sh shome who'sh, but alsho shome whatsh."

She leaned in. "Lizzie, you're concocting something, and I wanna know. What do you mean, whats? You said it's a knife that can kill anyone."

I swallowed. "Uh-uh. I specifically never said that. What I did say, was it's a knife that can kill anything." I licked my lips clean. "We're here, at this dive in midtown, right? So what's stopping me from taking a step forward and having sushi in Tokyo right now?"

"Well you're not in Tokyo, idiot."

"Right, but think. You have to frame the idea right. What is the obstacle in the way of me being in Tokyo? What's preventing me from just being there if I want to be?"

She looked at me suspiciously. "It's… far away."

"Exactly!" I yelled, a little too loud, and then dropped to a whisper. "It's distance, right? Distance is the obstacle."

The gears were starting to get traction in her brain. I could see it. "Sure…."

"Well distance is just a concept, just a thing, right? And let's say I had this knife in my hand, Carnificābō. A knife… that can kill… anything."

"Oh fuck."

"If you can frame it right in your mind, you start to realize this knife can do just about anything. Open a portal to a faraway place, if you kill the distance. Make you instantly rich, if you kill your poverty. Cure any disease. Kill your ignorance, to learn anything you want. For the price of having to think about it like a Jeopardy contestant, and having the handle of the knife integrate its veins with yours, you can grant more or less any imaginable wish."

At some point she'd gripped onto her glass, hard, and a bead of condensation had started a voyage down her finger. She didn't seem to notice. "Oh fuck."

"You wanna know why nobody's stolen the knife before? Not for awhile, anyways."

Her eyes darted back and forth conspiratorially. "Well I expect if someone has it, it'd be hard to take from 'em, given the whole granting of wishes thing. How the hell do you steal something like that?"

I wagged my finger. "Easier than it sounds. We won't be the first people to try."

"So he'll be paranoid, for entirely justified reasons, about someone stealing the fucking knife. That's swell, hon. How do you know someone else will try to steal it, anyways?"

"No. I mean someone tried to steal it a long time ago."

"Who?"

"Long story, doesn't matter, and stop interrupting. The owner, he panicked, and made a big juicy mistake. He killed time itself, in a bubble 3.7 meters in diameter around himself. It's been measured and everything. He, and the knife, they've been frozen in the bubble for about 40 years now. Nobody's been able to break into that bubble, but we will. If anything, that's the easy part." I leaned back, put my feet on the table, and puffed a ring of smoke. "We have boy wonder on the team now."

Carmen stared at me for a long moment. "Alan?" I wiggled my eyebrows and nodded. She took a deep chug of her beer. "Good luck with that one."

I raised The Cigarette in a mock toast. "He's already working on what we need, not that he knows it yet. But like I said, that's the easy part. When the bubble drops, we need to move fast. We'll have the advantage of the old host being disoriented and terrified, so I think we can lop his arm off faster than he can realize what's happening."

Carmen nodded, started to get her feet under her again. "Tricky, but doable, okay. What's the location?"

I sucked in another puff of tar and toasted tobacco mulch. "Warehouse in Pittsburgh, and that's where most of the challenge lies. The place is occupied. There's this… mm… a polycule, I suppose, of gnomes."

"Fucking gnomes," Carmen gritted her teeth as she said it.

"Oh yes. So you know what that's going to mean."

"Yeah. Automations. Defenses. Automated defenses. Enchantments and booby traps and random bullshit all over the floor. And that's if they're not home." She stopped, and gave me a pointed look. "They aren't gonna be home, right?"

"I have a distraction lined up," I reassured her, a bit of a purr in my voice. It was a good plan. "And besides, we're ghosts. What's a trap to a ghost?"

She held up her fingers and started counting off. "Salt lines, rock salt shotguns, iron cages, bear traps, rune circles, holy flame…. and don't forget, we'll have a new host to escort through the mess, one you told me in no uncertain terms needs to be alive."

"T-t-t-t-t. You're right about the defenses, but we don't need the host for the heist, just to use the knife afterwards. Think about it." I tapped out The Cig. "Easy, clean, and simple."

Carmen looked me up and down. "You really think so, don'tcha?" Her lip curled up. "I mean, it's not the worst plan. On paper."

"Oh Carmen, you wound me. As if you've never seen my contingency management skills before."

"Don't forget how you died, Sugar."

"Ancient history," I brushed her off, "that I learned quite well from, thank you very much."

She laughed, and finished off the rest of her beer. "You're a crazy one, Lizzie, but I'll play along. Where do we start?"

I fetched The Cigarette and sheltered it in the cup of my hands, striking the lighter until it caught. "Well, like I said…" I blew a current of smoke into the air above the empty glass and nearly-finished sandwich. "… we have to find a changeling."

[anonpubilcdiary]

That Time I ruined my ex's birthday.

So, it's 2 or three months before she broke up with me, it was her birthday, we had planned this big party and get together where were going to have a pregame and then go out to a club.

During said pregame I was already uncomfy because I'm not built for clubs emotionally, there's just too many people. But I was pretty comfortable with the group, there were two transmascs, my cis ex, and 2 non-binary ppl. I didn't know the 2 enbies, but I was pretty close with the transmascs.

I smoked some weed, which in hindsight was probably not the smartest idea.

We're all hanging out in the living room and all of a sudden my ex suggests we all watch a movie while getting ready, and the entire group goes for the movie "White Girls."

This is a problem for me.

I'm a trans girl, and I was still early in transition at this point.

I try to kinda give my girlfriend the "please I'm begging you not to pick this movie, legally blond is way better" -look but she doesn't really pick up on it. Understandable though, she coordinated alot of the party so obviously she can't tell, i should've said something. So I assure myself, I mean I've never watched it, it might be a genuinely powerful yet comedic story. Everyone else has watched it, and they don't seem to see any issue with it.

I power on, eventually the scene where they don the entire joke of the the movie arrives and its worse than I thought it could be, it's not just that it's a caricature of me. Everything I'm insecure about as a trans woman, every single fear I have about my own appearance and behavior is a joke that is being actively beaten to death in this movie. Liveleak would have been a preferable alternative.

We reach the dressing room scene and I'm drowning, I'm quietly having a panic attack because after having my insecurities gone at and worn bloody raw for an hour straight I'm going to have to go into a small building with a large group of strangers.

I desperately lock eyes with the two transmascs, they're trans so maybe they might "get it." Im begging for a lifeline, I'm fucking screaming for help with my eyes. They don't pick up on it. it's understandable though, like it's not their job to read my mind. If I didn't want to watch the movie I should've said something, I shouldn't have smoked until after the function either.

Eventually a thought worms it's way into my mind... "they see me like this, the only reason they keep me around is as a clown to be gawked at." I execused myself to the restroom and I fall apart, I'm silently weeping and panicking harder now that I'm crying on my girlfriend's birthday. Today is supposed to be about HER, but I just can't stop. Every time I get settled that sinister thought that my friends revile me would tickle my psyche and send me into another fit of sobs.

Eventually it comes to her attention that I'm crying and she helps to calm me down, she then manages to get the movie off and me to her room without alerting any of the guests. She's just really good with people like that, crisis averted, now it's time to go to the club.

I'm clunky and uncomfortable and unprepared and definitely not a dancer and I fucking publicly humiliated myself to try to dance.

She was distant after this, I acted like such a loser around her near the end because I was panicked she was going to leave me because of that night. Im pretty sure that's what pushed her away though.

All in all I can see what I did wrong, I've just gotta be better in the future.

[ourlittlewords]

I'm 18 years old.

i was never supposed to be this old

A friend is hosting a birthday, a bonfire, and i was invited. Everyone was going to be there. I look forward to spending time with my friends. I want to see my girlfriend again.

and everything goes as planned, and everything is going fine. The fire roars, and as the flames slowly die people start trickling inside one by one. I want to go with them, but something is keeping me here. My feet feel like they're rooted to the spot. My voice dies in my throat. I stare at the fire.

i know this feeling. I don't want to feel like this anymore tonight i get to follow them, cramped inside that living room. There are so many of us, i'd forgotten just how many people i had in my life. she's as beautiful as ever. she doesn't look at me hovering in the doorway as people shimmy to allow one more person to squeeze in. when they settle, no one looks at me. i can't even understand what they're saying, the voices all blur together - and i decide to step back outside, wait until maybe a few people have left, i don't know.

I don't know. time passed, maybe, i don't know - but she's leaving. I was staring at the fire again.

I know i'm supposed to stay there. i don't want to stay on the outside anymore and i call out to her. She allows me to hug her. She's concerned, and for the first time in almost a decade, i feel like i'm about to cry. the birthday girl follows me in circles, asking if i'm okay. i still don't know why

i settled next to the fire, and when it starts to rain, she finally heads back inside with everyone else who hadn't been squeezed in yet. and i followed them, instinctually worried about people being left out of the already packed room. i stood in the doorway, and my friends squeezed tighter than some would consider platonically possible. Some of them aren't so platonic about their new arrangements. no one looks at me.

I walked outside, and stood by the fire. The rain poured down, my hoodie clinged to my back while my front sizzled gently with the ember's embrace.

the darkness comes quick, and a break in the rain comes. I expected him to come out, and i knew exactly what he was going to say. Asked some silly questions, just trying to understand, just trying to ease the tension he feels. he feels he has to come out here. he doesn't ask me to come inside. I don't know if he can see my crying, there in the dark and the rain. For the first time i see the nigh-perfect man look.. sad? i don't know. the rain picks up and he endures for a moment, before he leaves. He says he's going inside, they're watching a movie, you should see who's cuddling who i - .his face turns down. I've never seen him like this. i don't have the words to describe the bubbly boy slowly losing his smile. i wonder if its guilt on his face. In the time i've seen him since, in his vulnerable moments, this face never returns.

He stumbles out some polite words, but he doesn't invite me inside.

i want to come inside. please

please let me in please please please, please i just want to come inside i just want to talk to dance to love and be loved please, why do i have to stay out here please i don't understand i don't understand i don't understand what i did wrong what im doing wrong why cant i be like you

why do i have to stay out here

the rain starts again, and the embers are finally gone. The yellow lights of that living room peer out from the curtain, and in the dark, i walk to my parent's home.

[fcukcancer]

Ten years later, almost.

I graduated ten years (+5 days) ago.

When we talked on the phone, when I was preparing for my final exams, you said that "come hell or high water" you'd be at my graduation. But we were stepping way down into hell. Because you weren't there, you weren't well enough to make the trip to Manchester. I don't begrudge that. It's just something else on the pile of things you weren't able to do. And it's all the little things and moments that you notice it. It's the loss of every tiny sharp thing, that illness, decline, took away from you, and me. And death, in its absoluteness took away everything. You've missed so much, I've missed you so much.

Okay, almost 10 years ago (give it a few months) you tasked me with looking at everything twice. Once for me, and once for you. So here's some things I've seen, some things you've missed, in the last 10 years.

Your own funeral, it was, it's strange to say this, but it was a brilliant day. Later, me and Dad and Niall released balloons into the swirling wind in hall place, watched them disappear into the clouds. Niall went to uni, we visited him one time, saw Frank Turner play, we all got matching t-shirts.

I got a stop gap job. Me, Dad and Niall went to Amsterdam, just after New Year, just because we could. I got a better job, I went on a road trip with three friends, to Sweden. I flew home, my first flight alone. I started going out with one of those road-trip friends. Me, Dad and Niall went on an amazing holiday, to the Isle of Skye. We climbed Ben Nevis before getting the train home. You wouldn't have enjoyed Fort William, you'd have loved Skye. It felt like you were there. I felt so close to you even though you weren't there, corporeally. My uni friends started a tradition, of going on holiday in December, we're still doing it. Me and my partner went on holiday, a tour through Europe, by train. I moved out of the house I grew up in, into a flat share with people I knew from uni. Dad drove me to my new home, the day after we came back from a skiing holiday. Niall graduated, (I wasn't there, but Dad was), he moved back home. I haven't lived with my brother since I was 18. I feel like I shouldn't have left home, but I also felt like I couldn't stay. Dad met someone, she's lovely. I moved house again, into a flat with my partner, and another one of our road trip friends. At some point along the way we all went vegan or vegetarian. Not a big deal I just thought you'd like to know. Dad got married. Niall met someone. We all moved out of the house I grew up in. Dad sold it. It was time. It hadn't felt like home for a long time. Going back made me sad. My partner and I bought a flat, that flat from before in the story, we moved in during an incredibly strange time, during a pandemic. The UK had gone into a lockdown. I'm, not glad you didn't live to see it, but, your hypochondria would not have made the COVID 19 years a fun time for you. Restrictions lasted on and off for 18 months. I had some therapy. Not about you specifically, but also it was about you, everything is about you. I found the therapy really helpful. Niall got married. My best friend got engaged. I had a huge birthday party to celebrate my 30th Birthday. I invited almost everyone I knew. To say, hey, everyone, I'm still here. I didn't die when my mum died. I'm actually doing fine. My best friend got married, (quick turnaround but she's pulled off crazier things) the wedding was such a beautiful day.

This year (if we measure September to September), has been busy. Fun mostly, some sadness. Someone died who shouldn't have, you don't know them, you never met them, but I'm saddened by it. The day before your 9th deathday I climbed Ben Nevis, again. I've been around the UK, and hopped around Europe. I bought a car. I miss you, still can't get over the fact you died. I've spent 10 years in the bad timeline. Learning to live even though the world is wrong. But despite that, I I am happy. I've filled my life with people who make me happy, kept friendships strong through time, despite distance. I have a partner who is a good person, and we live well together. We're lucky, we're healthy, we're not taking that for granted. I get on with my family, the originals of course, but the other people we've brought in as well.

You did a good job with me, I'm your work in progress, something unfinished, I'll always be tangled up in you. And I am happy, and lying quietly beside my happiness is the truest thing I know which is that I miss you.

[indigo474]

61623

Madison graduated. It went by fast. Her friend Jason went with me to the ceremony, just the 2 of us. I asked her to drop tickets off to Chatham. She declined to do so. I invited my Mom, but she had to complicate things and i told her to forget it- i wasn't going to inconvenience myself for her. she wasn't willing to go out of her way even a little and who knows if she would have shown up anyway. I was very thankful for Jason. I thanked him - i obviously would have went by myself- thankful i didn't have to. I thought the ceremony was really nice and GOD- i wish nothing but the best for all those kids. Jut like that it's over. Mads was so nervous and full of anxiety. She has been brutal to be near the past few days and honestly i wish i were in work. she takes everything out on me-because she has no one else. Her anxiety is bad. I was able to get her to the dentist- the last time she was there she got charged for the visit because x has her birthday wrong. I gave the office X's name and phone number and told them they need to call him with any questions regarding payment or insurance- fuck him. While we were at the office the hygienist was asking Mads basic questions that she was unable to answer. basic basic things- i had to answer for her- i mouthed the words- you are special needs - and she started crying. We've joked about this before- both ways- her telling me i'm special and me telling her- but dam did i feel horrible. so horrible- fuck- i was trying to be funny. i try my best and manage to fail. i have to remind myself that there is nothing in this world i can do to take away the pain she feels about her siblings and her dad- no amount of anything i give her will make it go away- including love. All i can do is be here for her. she wants to move- i told her we will- in time. The condo we both liked is pending. I didn't put an offer on it- i kind of wish i did. I wish i had started looking sooner for a house but i honestly did not know if i would be getting a settlement check or not- and here we are- i feel like all the good homes are already taken and i missed my chance. it's easy for me to think that way about my life- all my good years are gone.

I was suppose to meet my Mexican friend today- i told him again and again - we needed to meet somewhere,where i would feel safe. He sends me his address- i dont know if it was the whole language thing but he assured me he understood. he just wanted to fuck. maybe thats all i'll find at this point- it sure seems like it- except for the dude who didn't want to fuck or kiss. Yesterday i couldn't make a decision to save my life- i just couldn't. it took me 10 minutes to pick at a pack of underwear. I picked out a pack of thongs.i haven't worn thongs in ages- turns out they are comfortable. I had been thinking about going to the dead and co concert- only to find out this morning i missed it yesterday- i swore the last time i went was my last time- not because i dislike the music- because the last time the abuse from X was brutal. why would i keep putting myself through that- i swore- last time- turns out it was as dead and company arent supposed to tour anymore..

I feel like im in a world of shit with work- i did NOT get coverage for myself tonight- got a text. along with a phone call on wednesday. not sure how long i will be in my position. its kind of messed up whats going on but i cant blame anyone.. it all falls on me- Monday should be interesting.

[strangeexperiments]

i went on a walk and got angry again because its my own fault im in this situation, at least partially. i was the one who didnt assert myself and let my sibling take the lead in choosing a house. i allowed this to happen. and now im miserable, my entire savings account is gone, and we're behind on the mortgage. but at the same time its not even entirely my fault. my sibling gets sick super early on into having the house and loses their job. they decide to play video games for like ten months instead of trying to do a wfh or something manageable. not my fault. their situation doesn't improve but they magically manage to be capable of handling a job right when things start to get severe. what do you know. my youngest sibling never does a fucking thing ever and the one time they swing a job they quit three days later over a manager being rude to them when we need the money. not my fault. same shit as my dad, who lost his job and never once has tried to get a different one and now has basically no money, but does nothing to fix that beyond the short term. i come back and get my shit together and im super responsible and manage my whole life. but then i let them put me on the hook for things and they absolutely fuck everything for me. its just me n max holding this fucking place together and im barely seeing any of the money my sibling makes because they've only sent me 500 since april started. 250 bucks a month basically. and they blew all of their savings on medical bills because they felt guilty. and ive had to blow my entire top surgery fund keeping this shit up. i had to call into the bank to try and get the mortgage deferred. they didnt call me back today and quite frankly i hope it all goes wrong. i want out of here. i want everything to be ruined so i have a chance to escape. im sick and tired of taking care of total fucking children. im tired of playing father to my siblings, im tired of taking care of people that refuse to make the effort to care for themselves. they dont even say thank you. my dad said thank you *once*, around my birthday. and my middle sibling figured out that i want to leave because they're paranoid about being abandoned. and they talk and it makes me feel guilty! because i do want to leave. i want to go take care of *myself* and be with people who actually value the work i do and care about me as much as i care about them. people who take care of me *back*. but i feel like i have to clean up everything and make sure everything is nice and secure and that they can take care of themselves before i leave. so im trapped! and i keep having dreams about being stuck in my childhood home again. i dreamt that i was being SAed in my kitchen by this massive, flabby old man and i didnt want it. but he claimed that i did because i said hi to him once out in public and i treated him politely. and i keep dreaming that my siblings are tormenting me or fighting with Max or whatever else.

[johnhelliwell]

I did a twitter thread so Tumblr also has to read it:

Finally getting around to do my complete MA2 listen on its birthday.

Bones is a pretty good opener imo. The like, little intro sound definitely fits as an intro sound. Overall it's a pretty good song as well, not my fave tho. Still think it's crazy this song is at 800 million streams after a little over a year. Music video is also top tier.

I didn't really appreciate Symphony that well on the first few listens. I definitely really like it now. It's such a feel good song but such a stark contrast to what most of the album is about. I still think the whole saying the instrument and then hearing thing is cool as well

I remember the whole ARG with Sharks. How I was trying my utter best to solve it with the Discord and then when I finally decided to sleep it was solved lol. I absolutely loved it on first listen. Probably like it a little less now tho still a good one.

I don't like myself, damn. Firstly the instrumentation is like really good on this. The whole beat is very catchy. I really thank Wayne for being like, "no Dan this should be on the album." Because I love it and it's something I can relate to. The lyrics hit hard even when ....

They're a little repetitive. I feel maybe the repetitiveness fits this song quite well. Even at the end. Especially "I've got so much more to live for, than what you think of me." Is sooo hard hitting.

Blur, my absolute beloved. Fun fact I cried to this song once when I was feeling very bad lol. But once again, the lyrics are soooo relatable. And I feel like this song has gone underappreciated in the whole "not a real guitar discussion."

Higher Ground! I like this song so much. It's sooo like sort of intense in the sense that the

chorus straight up makes me feel powerful. Also the "I am the witness, the genesis, the reason" and everything around that part is soooo good. And then the small part where...

Instrumentation sorta stops and the only extra sounds behind the main vocals are echoing back vocals. That's such a cool part to me.

Crushed.... So fucking sad I cannot stop crying to it especially since the music video got released.

It actually started as a demo by Platz from his studio!

A lot of people don't like the vocals but to me it just so clearly shows the desperation. I feel like people are used by very hard powerful vocals by Dan but this is just as beautiful.

Take it Easy is so interesting. I really didn't like it at first. It's still not a fave but I've learned to appreciate it more. I specifically like the instrumentation at the end. I just think it sounds a little much like a demo. Imo it would've been cool to hear a complete.....

Song with the instrumentation near the end. Like genuinely I really like that just not much of the rest.

Waves, I'll be bawling my eyes out! It's such an ugh sad song and especially today it hits even harder. The lyrics here are so well well written as well imo. Example: "Driving through the prime of your life" while referencing a car crash is very clever imo...

Also the "oh, I was singing in the prime of my life" hits sooo hard. Then going to near the end of the song where the music dies down and then gets going again is also such a cool moment to me. The song was sadly ruined for some people by the whole "plottwist" debacle and I...

Hate that so much cuz the song does not deserve that at all.

I'm Happy - ahhhh "What's wrong with me? Is there somebody else inside my head that doesn't want me to be happy." Feels like a lot of what I personally feel finally put into words. It's sooo nice. The only thing I don't really like is the bridge but the instrumental in it is nice

The ending is very nice btw I really like this one

Ferris Wheel arrgh. I'm not one for love songs usually but this one is soo sweet and generally just makes me sooo sad. I don't have much to comment on it, I just think it's a very sweet song and very well done.

The start of Peace of Mind sounds like a broken record. Not calling it POM cuz tb to when Dan heard people were calling it that lol. Anyway, it's an interesting song. I like it example:

"Everything is meaningless, at least that's how it feels, feels real bad" hits hard..

And I'm not sure why. I guess this song just also really resonates with me. I can maybe see why someone might think it's weird lyrics or just a weird song. But it just fits with me and that's what matters to me

Only near the end "then you came into my life" like bro where is my person smh.

Sirens! Sirens! Sirens! Everything about this song hits. This should always be listened to with headphones as loud as possible. It just scratches my brain so good. The instrumentation is really good the lyrics are also relatable. Like as someone that sometimes genuinely feels..

Like there's sirens in my mind. And the "I just wanna be good again, I want to make it to the end" argh I'm gonna scream its soo good. It's so nice and calming in a way. I could listen to it on a loop for ages.

Tied is also a really good song. It's well done it's just unfortunate what happened after. And also something else on a personal level. As said it's by no means a bad song but it's not a song for me particularly. Still very beautiful.

Younger! Such a good song. Please bring it back on tour! It's like that song that low-key gives you summer vibes ya know? The whole song feels like it's being held back a little however it's like waiting for the break which does happen obviously...

And it's with a Wayne guitar solo so I will not complain. Actually the whole leading up to the guitar solo is in a very nice way. The only thing I also have with the song is that the force field like is low-key cringe but also real so

I Wish is such a heart breaking song. I personally dislike the placement of it on the album but aside from that I haven't got many complaints. The emotion in Dan's voice is very clear and the laid back instrumental fits it very well.

The "Oh I always too busy, no I didn't make the time." Is soo sad as well. Throughout the whole album you can hear Dan's regret and mourning so well. And it definitely brings out a lot of empathy. Also personally I like the end picking up a few strings.

Continual, so many people claim it as the worst ID song while I do not agree. I think people are heavily influenced by it being a feature and maybe a genre they're not completely into. It's by no means a bad song and actually a very well polished song....

It's far from my favorite on Mercury but it does not deserve the hate it gets, at all. Also aside from being a master at Organs. Cory Henry also has a beautiful voice that very much has to be said.

They don't know you like I do is the perfect album closer. It fits the usual 'long(ish) song'. The song is absolutely heartbreaking and such a sad way to send the album but also just a very good way....

It tells a story in like some form of chronogical order very well while still being a song. The end of the second verse is absolutely heartbreaking and sooo fucking powerful

The da da da's at the end are often seen as bad by many people but I personally find them super fitting. To me it's always seemed like a "Welp, this is it" and with that a great way to end an album.

Happy first birthday to Mercury - Act 2