#its incredibly depressing that we can never change what happened and that what we wanted didnt come true but like

[crunchycrystals]

melancholic hopefulness of fake out save me

[jackiepackiee]

Oh hey there! This my first time requesting you!

I have a request for chuuya nakahara and dazai osamu. I wanna ask that how would he be a as a boyfriend to a s/o who could control electrons in the atmosphere.

For dazai its how would he confess to girl who he admires for a long time but is scared to lose her, but she confesses to him before he could?

Thank you very much and I love the rule about angst without a happy ending i mean cmon life is tough enough already we all are carrying emotional baggage in some way or the other 😭😭

Love you admin, take care! 💞💞

Trying this again because I finished and tumblr deleted it ALLLL

I love science!

𝒟𝒶𝓏𝒶𝒾 & 𝒞𝒽𝓊𝓊𝓎𝒶 𝓍 𝐸𝓁𝑒𝒸𝓉𝓇𝑜𝓃 𝒜𝒷𝒾𝓁𝒾𝓉𝓎 𝑅𝑒𝒶𝒹𝑒𝓇

𝒲𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈- 𝓃𝑜𝓅𝑒

𝒯𝓎𝓅𝑒 - 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝒹𝒸𝒶𝓃𝑜𝓃𝓈 / 𝒹𝒾𝒶𝓁𝑜𝑔𝓊𝑒

𝒟𝒶𝓏𝒶𝒾

Will ask the most annoying questions

“Can you make your body a metallic bond so when you’re hit by an enemy, you’re malleable. Oh! Can you make the hatrack an ionic bond so I can make his charges line up and he’ll explode!”

“Dazai… No!

Yall meet a work

He teases you, goes on missions with you, pranks Kunikida with you

But it’s not until your ability goes haywire and you’re hurt one day that he realizes he likes you

From then on, he hugs you when your ability acts up

Nullifying you and getting a hug

A win win in his book

Little things change

He does his paperwork, doesn’t drink as much, teases you more, and makes less suicide attempts

Though, he can’t confess

You’re too good, he can’t ruin you with his depression and violent past

But, what if you say no?

He thinks it’s a lose lose

What a dumb thing for such a smart guy to think?

He finally decided to confess when Ranpo tells him that it’s a good idea

(Ranpo, the world's greatest detective, can obviously tell you like Dazai and he likes you. Why not be the wingman for the new it couple?)

“Dazai… the entire agency knows. And I’ll tell them for you… unless you get me a snack. Yknow, I’m no romance detective, but love is in the air.”

So… he brings you to the Port

Wins you a cute little teddy at a game slot

He’s about to confess

But… before he can speak

“Dazai, I like you!”

You like him. You. So incredibly intelligent, strong, kind? He’s smart, but would’ve never seen this coming

He noticed how the ocean twists

You ability acts up and is causing the hydrogen and oxygen to disconnect

You’re practically shaking with nerves

So… he hugs you

Not a kiss… he would never rush such a perfect moment

The ocean calms, you ability nullifies

Now that you’re dating, the question are WORSE

“Did you change the atoms in my brain so I love you?” “One, no. Two, that’s not how love works!”

Brags to everyone, even if it’s annoying

Just adores you

Thinks he could die happy

Although, he’d much rather live to love you

Makes sure that all your missions are local so he can get to you incase electrons start buzzing around

Calls you dumb things, stupid science jokes, it’s a headache

Overall, so smart but sooo stupid

𝒞𝒽𝓊𝓊𝓎𝒶

Thinks you’re the coolest!

Likes to think your abilities are similar and you two have a connection

Also… a bit dumb

So he asks so many questions

What, he’s fascinated with you and he wants to know as much as he can

“Valence electrons? What?” “What do ya mean I can’t see em? Too small?”

Even if he’s technically the strongest in the entire Port Mafia, thinks you’re better

I mean, he can control gravity but you can manipulate matter!

Thinks that you’re a gift for all his years of hell and unluckiness

Even if you’re just a friend… for now

Never EVER lets you go on missions alone

Makes sure at least one of his trusted subordinates is with you

And if that can’t happen, he’ll make sure Mori gives Chuuya you’re a dangerous work

He’ll miss sleep to take your work, just so you’re safe

If you’re ever overwhelmed, he’ll float you off the ground

Makes sure that you can calm down

Maybe it’s the air higher up, maybe the scenery?

Or… maybe it’s his arms wrapped tight around you

He realizes during one of these moments how much he loves you

“Shh, it’s okay. You ability is stable and you’re safe.”

After asking Kouyou for advice, he’s ready to confess

Buys roses, wine, a jazz record, and a little stuffed animal

Knocks on your apartment when…

You open the door… looking stunning.

“Chuuya? What’re you doing here?”

A gorgeous red outfit, styled hair and makeup. He used his ability to float the gifts to the ceiling so you wouldn’t see.

“Oh… you look pret- I mean! You’re so dressed up.”

“Yeah… was about to leave.”

His heart sunk, although his cheeks warmed at the sight of you in such a beautiful outfit.

“Do you have a date?”

“Date? No, I don’t.”

What a relief!

“Well, what’s the occasion?”

“… I really like you Chuuya! I was gonna try and find you at work now!”

Oh woah… did he just die and go to heaven?

Gives you the sweetest kiss (It’s definitely his first)

Now that you’re dating, he spoils you

Remember how no one is allowed to put you in danger?

Before, he’d let other watch you

But now he’ll clear his day just for your safety

Tries to learn as much as he can about science so he can talk with you even more

“Damn it… electron sea? I thought we had seven seas already?”

Overall? Perfect 11/10

[sillygoosealert]

Can you write about Smoke finding out his significant other has been harming herself and has been depressed for sometime but would try to hide it from him so he wouldn't worry?

They’re just Cat scratches I swear

Tw self-harm by cutting, pretty self-indulgent as my own experience but also like this is pretty much everyone’s experience combined, hope whoever sent this is okay, I hope you all are doing okay

Tomas angst, you might die at the end if I'm Feeling Silly

You're training with Tomas in a black long-sleeve

An odd choice considering you're training at the Shri-Ru-Yu but he doesn't question your fashion choice

Afterward, he tries to take you to the hot springs so you don't rot after training

You decline and insist you want to just go to bed

‘How come? We never hang out anymore, did something happen?’

A grim expression covers your face and you excuse yourself to bed

after you train you don't even shower, you just sleep

You sleep a lot, its like you hate being awake

So he desides to get you a sweet treat to cheer you up

That's how he cheers up, little acts of service

He gets you a small cupcake with pink sprinkles

But when he gets to your door, he hears muffled crying

It's like you're sobbing into a pillow

Afraid you are hurt- or something worse, he rushes in

The sight before him is horrific, blood-smeared across your arms and thighs

You're shaking harshly too

He goes over to the bed confused

‘What did you do?!’

Then he notices the razor blade in your hand

And then you notice he noticed the razor blade

Then you start crying even harder

And then he has to put the cupcake down

Then you drop the razor blade, nicking your thigh in the process

And then he has to quickly grab it, putting it on a flat surface to get it away

‘What happened? Why did you.. why didn't you tell me?’

You start to babble incoherent things, curling into a ball and sobbing

Maybe you're having a crying spell

He crawls into bed with you, wrapping an arm around you to pull you in

‘What happened? Talk to me..’

You just cry into him, blood-smearing onto his uniform

Now he's holding you close while rubbing your back

‘Baby I don't know what to do, let me clean you up, please’

You calm down enough to nod and let him drag you away to the bathroom

Its so much worse is good lighting

The cuts are close and long, covering the majority of your thighs

They are sloppy on your arms, not as close or neat

He's shaking with you

And crying

You're both crying a lot

Then he starts a bath

‘I'm going to clean you up, okay? It's going to be fine..’

You don’t know who he’s really saying that to

He places you into the bath, the water lightly changing its shade

‘Gods.. why would you do this? I would have helped you through it.’

‘I’m sorry’

That’s all you say, the time he spends bathing you is spent in silence

The world is cruel and incredibly unfair, you both knew that

But how could someone like Tomas, who has experienced it firsthand, continue to go on when you couldn’t?

He lost his family because he was supposed to, and he still wakes up every morning and lives

But you weren’t like him.

Something neither of you could quite grasp

But that made him scared

What happens when it gets bad again?

Who’s going to save you from the disease that is death

Though, you could also call his love for you a disease too

But that is something he wants no cure to

He cleans your cuts with tears and sobs

Then drys you off without a word

Holding your arms with a firm grip, he stares into you

‘I won't be telling anyone. But I hope you know you aren't going to be leaving my sight anymore.’

You nod your head quickly ‘Okay’

Then he places his head on your thighs

‘You can't leave me. Not yet, not soon..’

Then you run your fingers through his hair, his slightly bloody hair

He doesn't wrap your wounds, letting them heal on their own

But he does take you to bed and lays on top of you, making sure you can't leave

‘Why didn't you tell me?’

‘You have enough on your plate, you didn't need to stress about this.’

‘I want to worry about you, to remind you that I care. I'll always care’

‘Thank you..’

‘I love you’

‘I love you too’

Silly 🎀

[silverskye13]

hi! whats your opinion of / perspective on NITW?

It's pretty! It's poignant. It hit a lot harder eight years ago when I was terrified of being alive, but it still drives some points home.

I remember playing it for the first time and crying because I had just had my biggest mental breakdown [major depression] of my life and I felt incredibly seen by this silly little cat who Just Wanted Things To Be Normal in a world that increasingly tried to tell them that normal hadn't existed for years, and maybe would never exist, and maybe also never had.

It's cosmic/lovecraftian/eldritch horror at its best and most interesting, when the monster isn't a monster, it's the things we can't possibly understand. A cult to the "old American ways of living" that will kill to maintain a status quo that doesn't exist, and a protagonist who "just wants things to be the way they were when everything was good" who is lost in the exact same backwards nostalgia that makes the cult think it's right. A universe that literally confronts you and says it doesn't care, that people keep calling it "god" and that it couldn't care less about gods and people, it just is, and a protagonist who is desperately searching for meaning and who is begging god to give them answers that don't exist, because god in that literal human Knowable sense doesn't exist, and if it did, it couldn't give you meaning when you can't find it yourselr. The idea of the end of the world, of how something Hungry and Terrible is waiting to devour everything, and how the town they're living in has been devoured year by year by forces outside their control that have nothing to do with Unknowable Maliciousness and everything to do with capitalism and union busting.

It's a game that sat down an analyzed why people like small town horror: because it looks at big, impossibly large existential fears and breaks them down into interpersonal relationships and your local church and a poetry club and the parts of your town that are still alive even though you keep saying it's dead, and a local graveyard where the poor graves are dug on a sinkhole and you have to pray mom didn't get washed down the river with the flood, because people in power have no incentive to care, so you have to.

The protagonist, Mae, is an asshole because she's young and scared and doesn't know what "real problems" are because she's been sheltered from them her whole life. But now she's an adult and her problems are real, not because she's facing consequences -- though she does -- but because she can feel the peer pressure of everyone she knows growing up and facing their consequences and how much they're growing because of that while she stays stagnant. It's about her reconnecting with friends, mourning the loss of the way their relationships were and forging on ahead to the new ways those relationships are changing. It's about feeling genuinely bad that change happens and also figuring out how to cope with the fact that change is inevitable.

I'm no longer the target audience for the story. I used to be, but now I'm old enough to hate the character traits in Mae I used to deeply empathize with. But that doesn't make it unenjoyable. Now I empathize with her parents, or Angus who's Trying To Be Responsible, or Bea who had to grow up because she had no choice [we never have a choice about that in the end I think, only How we grow up exactly] and it's interesting to see that shift. And I feel the nostalgia I still felt when I played the game the first time, and I recognize the peril in it, because the game's point at the end of the day is that nostalgia is good only as an enjoyed taste and never as intentional stagnation. And the fact that Mae, for the entire plot, is stuck moving side to side, always progressing towards the left of the screen, backwards, until the end of the game where she ends it walking right, to the edge of town, to a bridge, where she sits and enjoys the sunset. And she's still in her hometown but she still also somehow moved forward.

The game is ultimately about a universe that doesn't care, and people who do, and it's very hopeful when it tries to be.

Also there's a mini game where you steal pretzels in a calzone shop to feed baby rats and make a rat army and if that's not a Vibe I don't know what is.

[taevbears]

Magic Shop - 06

He’s waited a long time to see you again.

⤑ pairing: (eventual) OT7 x female witch!reader; Taehyung focused  ⤑ genre: magic au, romance, hurt/comfort, slow burn ⤑ rating: 18+ ⤑ word count: 8.2k ⤑ warnings: minor character death, abandonment/loss, depression/grief, oppression against mages, a bit of self-deprecation, brief description of sexual activities.   ⤑ note: Happy birthday Taehyung! Your chapter happens to fall align with your birthday lol (at least, in the time I’m posting it. I seriously didn’t intend for it to happen, but it worked out this way!). For all my visual readers, the references I used for the shop are from the FESTA 2020 staircase photoshoot, BE concept photos, and of course, the 5th Muster: Magic Shop intermission clips. I also couldn’t decide if I wanted to make Taehyung a crow or a raven lol. But I’m happy to finally change gears from the dark and dreary with this story and into more light-hearted and fluffy moments. There are only a couple more chapters left until this first part of the series is done, so thank you so much for sticking with me and all the lovely comments ^^ I hope you all have a wonderful, warm, and safe new year!

Chapters:   01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 (final)

An awkward silence passes as the mysterious man smiles at you all. Then, hesitantly, after clearing his throat, Seokjin is the first to speak up. “I’m sorry, but who are you?”

“Ah, that’s a good question.” The man rubs his chin, taking his time to think of an answer. Then, with a slight smirk, he replies, “You can call me whatever you want.”

“Don’t you have a name?” Namjoon tries.

He shrugs his shoulders. “My last owner called me Taehyung.”

“Okay. Taehyung,” you test out his name as he turns his full attention to you. His eyes are a dark amber, almost like honey. It’s a little difficult to look away from them. “H-How do you know who we are?”

His smirk widens as he quirks up an eyebrow. “Ah, that’s a shame. It sounds like you don’t remember me yet, darling.”

You blink. “Wait. What?”

“We used to be lovers.”

“Wait—”

“WHAT?!” the boys echo around you, nearly screaming, just in as much shock as you are. Maybe even more so.

The mix of confusion, disbelief, and panic causes Taehyung to burst into laughter. He claps his hands, eyes squinting to crescents between his fits of giggles. “I’m kidding! You guys are too funny.”

“That doesn’t answer… I’m…” you start, your brain seizing over the fact that a mysterious, handsome, possibly Wicked man is joking about you two being lovers once. You know it isn’t true. You’ve never seen this man before in your life. Yet, you feel so flustered.

In your arms, you feel Yoongi brush his tail around your arm. His dark eyes are trained on Taehyung, watching him carefully. It’s as if he isn’t sure what to make of him just yet either.

“Why don’t you all come inside? You seem pretty tired,” Taehyung suggests, gesturing at the old and broken building. He doesn’t wait for an answer as he spins around, walks down the short pathway, and leaves the door wide open.

“This is a bad idea,” Seokjin whispers as the four of you huddle together in a circle to discuss. And he’s right. None of you have ever met this man, yet he seems to know you quite well. The building is sketchy and in disarray, as if no one has taken care of it for years. The entire thing looks like it’s on its last leg and could collapse at any given moment. It’d be incredibly stupid if you blindly take his word and follow him straight into a trap.

“Let’s just hear him out,” Hoseok surprisingly disagrees. He’s usually more on the cautious side, especially when it comes to trusting strangers. “He might be able to help us lay low from the wardens.”

“Didn’t you see his eyes? He looks like he’s Wicked,” Namjoon argues. “He could corrupt our minds and devour our hearts.”

“And turn us into toads,” Seokjin adds with an affirmative nod.

The black cat in your arms meows, causing the boys to glance down at him before looking to you for a translation. “Yoongi said he’s not Wicked. He’s something else.”

“What? A mage?”

“A demon?”

“Familiar,” Taehyung answers right beside you, somehow joining your little circle without any of you noticing. There’s a brief glimpse of amusement in his golden eyes when you all jump back and yell in surprise, but the expression quickly changes. With a long, exasperated sigh, he tilts his head to the side and calmly reasons, “Come on. You guys didn’t mind me when I was with you in the forest. Do you dislike my human form this much?”

“He did help us out,” Hoseok points out, eyes flickering between you guys and the man.

“It’s not the best-looking place right now,” Taehyung admits, nodding toward the building as a piece of plaster falls off. He promptly ignores it and continues, “But the wardens won’t know you’re here. The shop will keep you safe from anyone troubling you. And you guys can stay as long as you like! There are enough beds for each of you.”

Namjoon sighs and rubs the back of his stiff neck. All of you haven’t had much of a proper rest since the night of the attack, always on the move and always on your guard. “That does sound better than sleeping on the ground for another night.”

“I’m not a good cook, but I can see what I have and get a stew going. There’s a marketplace in town with good meat and vegetables, too. Whatever ingredients we’ll need for supper, we can find it there.”

Seokjin’s stomach growls at the mention of food and he curses under his breath. Ears red, he mumbles, “Maybe we should stay for dinner at least.”

You watch as your companions are won over with the promise of a hot meal, Hoseok and Namjoon immediately agreeing to Seokjin’s suggestion. Throwing caution to the wind, the three of them enter the suddenly inviting abode.

That just leaves you and Yoongi.

The cat’s dark eyes have Taehyung in his gaze since he appeared before you all. Suspicious and weary, but Yoongi doesn’t seem to think that the man intends to harm any of you. And while he observes the amber-eyed brunet, your gaze is fixed on the building before you.

It’s odd.

You were so young when you were taken to Blackstone Castle, you don’t remember your parents or the town you were born in. You don’t know if you’re from the countryside like Namjoon, who helped his family pick ripe tomatoes and other crops in the summer and grew up in a tight-knit community. You don’t know if you’re from the seaside like Seokjin, who’d go on fishing trips with his father and older brother and help his mother at their family restaurant. Like Hoseok, who was born in the castle, you’ve never been outside those walls until now.

Yet, you feel like you’ve seen this place somewhere before.

Taehyung’s gaze is intense as he stares at you, drinking you in. Almost like he can’t believe you’re real and standing before him. Your attention is pulled away from the building when he inquires, “Aren’t you curious?”

It’s an innocent question, but it draws you toward him all the same. Taehyung, with his hypnotizing eyes and alluring voice, extends an arm like a gentleman for you to take. Your determination to seek answers falls right into his hand as he leads you through the threshold with a smirk and shuts the door behind you.

Once upon a time, when the trading town of New Haven was just beginning to develop, a mysterious shop seemingly appeared out of nowhere. The first settlers, exhausted and burnt out from working nonstop, stumbled through the large doors and were pleasantly surprised to find exactly what they were looking for: a table with a delicious feast, soft beds for a good night’s rest, warm shelter against the grueling cold night. After spending some time to refresh themselves and heal their tired hearts, they were able to head back to work the next day happier and with rejuvenated energy. However, just as strangely as the shop arrived, it vanished just as quickly, as if the shop itself was made of magic.

Some people claim that the shop only appears when you need it the most; when the days are hard and difficult and you’re in need of comfort and love. Others would say that the shop didn’t exist at all, and that the settlers were just dreaming of their heart’s desires after they built the town. Either way, the story has become a legend.

Over the years, the type of shop it was has changed. Some stories say it’s a teahouse and pub with brewed teas, coffees, and homemade alcohol that have healing properties or a bakery with bread that always tastes freshly-baked and buttery, no matter how long it’s been put on display behind the wooden shelves. Some say it’s a quaint inn with the softest beds, guaranteeing the best sleep of your life. Some say it’s an entertainment lounge with musical instruments that play on its own, and the sounds of laughter and dancing can be heard long after the building is empty. Some say it’s an actual shop with oddities from foreign lands and objects that symbolizes luck, wealth, protection, or love.

What is consistent, however, is that the shop is almost unnoticeable upon first glance, seamlessly blending in with the surrounding neighborhood wherever it pops up. And once it’s fulfilled its task, it disappears as if it were just a dream. Like magic.

Stories like this have become forgotten when the teachings of the Devoted interfered with the whimsical and wonderful curiosities of the masses. New Haven, built upon by hard work and dedication, provided a safe place for weary travelers coming from the ominous forests and long, worn-down roads. People come and trade goods for coins, share stories of wild tales from their quests, provide information with fellow travelers, and recruit help from the growing guilds. The story of the settlers and the first discovery of the shop is kept alive through word of mouth from the townsfolk, but not many people believe it anymore.

Magic, after all, is forbidden. Even in a town like this.

Thus, without a purpose, the shop begins to deteriorate. The vibrant colors within the shop fades, the displays of artifacts and souvenirs collect dust among the untouched books, the breads are stale and the drinks are not as tasty, the instruments are out of tune and the equipment for other hobbies are broken, and the building itself becomes an empty shell of the liveliness it once had.

People pass by the shop all the time, but no one ever stops by to look inside. It’s become abandoned, haunted, left to rot with the elements.

And the only living thing near the old building is a lonely raven, whose unwavering belief and magical affinity keeps the shop on its last leg, long after its previous owners have left him all alone.

Inside the old shop are remnants of what the place used to be.

At the entrance is a small lobby with a check-in counter and a seating area. Behind the worn-out leather couch is an antique shelf collecting dust and cobwebs among its books and decorative pieces. On the other side of the entrance is a mysterious dark-painted door that seems to be permanently locked. A light above the door with a strange symbol of mirrored parallelograms doesn’t seem to work.

To your left is a faded teal-colored parlor room with an upright piano that is out of tune and an easel by the window with spots of colorful painted residue. Oddities collected from travels are displayed in this room, from dolls with inhabited spirits to scales and fossilized eggs of a mythical beast. They’re decorated around a round wooden coffee table with a fancy red sofa and white chairs pulled around it, inviting and cozy for long talks, playing music, and hanging out. At the back of the room is a reading nook with several books off its shelf, untouched for years with paper yellowing over time. And just above the reading nook is a loft that overlooks the entire parlor and entrance, where a fortress of blankets and pillows have been made.

To the right is a cozy tavern with a long bar separating the kitchen from the seating area. Bottles of wine and ale are aging behind the bar, as well as jars of half-empty coffee beans, tea leaves, and other herbs and aromatics. Various pots and pans are in the kitchen, as well as a huge cauldron that sits on the hearth of a fireplace. Mixed chairs of different colors and designs are gathered around the tables. Though, the one that stands out is a long table by a window with a long bench on one side and five different chairs; an arrangement perfect for a big family or a group of friends.

There are stairs between the entrance and the tavern that seem to lead to the bedrooms that Taehyung promised. From the outside, the floorplan of this building doesn’t make a lot of sense. With such limited space, it feels like you’ve entered a rundown shack and crossed the threshold of a hidden mansion.

“What do you think?” Taehyung asks, observing each of your reactions.

Namjoon is already thumbing through some old books on a shelf, eyes sparkling when he seems to find some he hasn’t read before. Seokjin looks puzzled and curious at some of the runes and artifacts on display, as Hoseok picks up one of the jars of pot pourri and observes the ingredients inside. Even Yoongi leaps from your arms and finds a spot on the couch he feels comfortable in.

“This is amazing, Taehyung,” you breathe, taking it all in. It’s weak, and the place could use a good cleaning and fixing, but there’s a whimsical feeling that you know all too well.

This is a building full of magic.

“I’m glad,” Taehyung replies warmly, eyes squinting to crescents and cheeks rising as he smiles. “This is the Fate Reader’s Requiem. At least, that’s what my old owner called it. The shop has had many names over the years, as it’s served different purposes. Lately, I’ve been calling it The Raven’s Nest, but it could use a new name.”

“What do you mean by that?” Hoseok asks, looking over his shoulder at him.

“Come on! I have to show you upstairs!” he urges with a flash of a boxy smile. Your arm is still linked with his as he pulls you along, and the others stop what they’re doing and follow after you two, a bit worried that he might hurt you with his eagerness. The wide, creaking steps lead to a single white window. There isn’t a hallway, but along the diagonal walls are eight doors. Four on each side, facing each other. All the doors look identical to each other except for one. That one, you assume, leads to Taehyung’s room. The two of you stop in the middle of the narrow room – the steps barely wide enough for three of you to stand side by side – as he beams down at the others. “See? I told you there are enough beds. Go ahead and pick one.”

You exchange looks with the others, all who seem more curious than anything else. Then, curiosity bubbles to anticipation as each of you stand before your own door.

“There’s even one for you, Yoongi,” you note with an excited smile, seeing as the room next to yours has a cat door. Though, you’re not sure if the previous owners happened to have small pets, or if the building itself put one for him.

Regardless, the excitement is hard to contain as you grasp the doorknob and push it open. You hear Hoseok and Seokjin shout in awe, and Namjoon gasp as they enter their rooms. But you stand, silently stunned at the room before you.

It’s a simple room with basic furniture: a bed, a bureau, a mirror, a wooden chest, a simple table, and a reading chair. There’s an ensuite bathroom with scented oils and essences already in stock. It’s much bigger and nicer than the dorm you shared with Mina and your other roommates in Blackstone Castle, and even more so than the tiny bedroom you moved into in the enchanter’s quarters.

What gets you is the wave of nostalgia you feel upon seeing it. Even though it’s your first time being here, you’ve seen this room before. You’ve dreamt of it so many times, even during your Harrowing.

“You picked that room last time, too,” Taehyung quietly tells you.

You turn around to face him, not sure if he’s just messing with you this time. “Taehyung…”

“Wow, pretty girl,” Hoseok interrupts, coming to peer into your room with the others. He wraps his arm around you with a cheerful smile. “This one suits you.”

“I don’t think I want to leave,” Seokjin admits with a bashful laugh through his chosen door. “The room I have is perfect!”

“It’s definitely better than just sleeping anywhere else, I think,” Namjoon confesses, not sure if he’d be able to give this place up after what you’ve all seen. You’re sure he, Hoseok, and even Yoongi could feel the faint, protective, magical aura this place has as well.

“I’ll give you some time to settle in while I get the stew started. The rooms should have everything that you need,” Taehyung tells you all, though his amber eyes don't leave your gaze. He offers a small smile. “We can discuss it after we eat and rest up, yeah?”

“What do you make of all this?” you quietly ask, sinking deeper in the warm bath water. The white foam from the soaps and shampoo are your favorite scent, filling the bathroom with the distinct aroma.

Yoongi sits on the edge of the bathtub, seeming tempted to pop some of the foaming suds covering the bath water.

“I don’t know if we can trust him,” he says, sounding distracted. He raises a delicate hand, eyes focused on a particularly big bubble by your leg.

“Should we stay the night?”

Yoongi hisses when you move your knee the second he strikes, causing him to miss and nearly fall into the tub. You bite back a snicker as he grabs your thighs to keep his balance, glad that he’s in his human form so he can’t claw you. 

“We could,” he replies, coolly, calmly, as if he isn’t half-drenched in your bath water. “He’s a bit strange, but Taehyung doesn’t have any malicious intent.”

“His eyes are of a Wicked man, though.”

“Your eyes were almost Wicked too,” Yoongi mutters under his breath, casually dropping a shocking revelation to you as he wipes his wet hands on his pants.

You sit up straight in the tub. “What! When?!”

“It was when Seokjin got hurt. When you were fighting Adriel,” Yoongi answers, refusing to look at you. His cheeks distinctly turn red as he turns his gaze at a random tile on the wall.

You’re in shock, not realizing you almost turned Wicked. You just remember feeling so angry. When you found Seokjin, he was at the brink of death. And at the time, you couldn’t help but think of the what-ifs: what if you hadn’t gotten there sooner, what if Miss Eunjeong stayed behind with the children, what if he didn’t make it that night. Once you were certain that Seokjin was alive, you just attacked. You didn’t hold back as you cast spell after spell at the beast, not realizing that Adriel was the monster.

The only reason you stopped was because—

“Don’t think about it,” Yoongi cuts in sharply, snapping you out of your thoughts. You blink rapidly. You’re hugging yourself so tightly, your nails are digging into your skin. Your heart is racing so fast, your breath is short. As if the outrage, helplessness, and fear back then were just beginning to resurface again. “It’s in the past now. Seokjin and the others are okay.”

You stopped because you heard Seokjin call for you. You stopped because, when he could’ve sworn he saw a flash of golden amber in your eyes, he looked terrified of you.

“Sorry,” you mumble, sinking down in the bath water again. He’s right. Seokjin is probably asleep in his room, or helping Taehyung with supper. Hoseok and Namjoon are freshening up and resting around the shop as well. “I didn’t know… I thought he…”

You feel Yoongi place his hand on your knee, trying to comfort you. “Taehyung… he has an innocent aura to him. It’s almost child-like,” Yoongi tells you, and you try not to shiver when his thumb rubs your skin. “He must have lost someone important to him to have turned Wicked. But he must have found something within himself that gave him reason to hold onto his humanity.”

A heaviness fills your heart. Taehyung mentioned a previous owner, but it looks like no one has entered this shop for a very long time. Has he been here all alone all this time? When he appeared before you and Hoseok as a baby bird in the castle, and as a raven in the forest, was he trying to seek you out?

I’ve been waiting for you for a long time.

We used to be lovers.

You picked that room last time, too.

Does Taehyung think you’re his previous owner?

“Yoongi,” you ask, thinking about how both Adriel and Taehyung managed to regain their humanity after they’ve turned. “What exactly makes a person Wicked?”

It’s a bit funny what humans deem as magic and what they think is entertainment. In the Fate Reader’s Requiem, the shop was just that. Entertainment. Bells and whistles and illusions as the owner, known as the clairvoyant, pulls wool over people’s eyes for a pretty penny and a good laugh.

“It’s not real,” they would say, eager to see what trick she has up her sleeve. Eager to break the illusion and find out how she does it.

To many mages, it’s almost a mockery of what true magic really entails.

But to the beautiful and mischievous clairvoyant, it’s just as entertaining for her to have them believe they know better.

“Oh, you got me again!” she would say with a perfect smile, promising to find a better way to prank them next time. And Taehyung, her raven familiar, would wonder why she dabbles into silly tricks and games in the first place. When the clairvoyant is actually a proficient fortune teller and potion master. “It’s just for fun, and the customers are happy when they think they’re right. If they walk out of this shop feeling happier than they did coming in, that’s all that matters to me.”

She was selflessly kind, as charismatic as she was beautiful. Found him during a particularly harsh winter, and called him the greatest and warmest gift.

And Taehyung was in love.

It was just the two of them, aimless wanderers as they traveled the roads together by carriage, helping curious adventurers with vague advice for their journey or playing a game for trade during their quests. While she enjoyed pranking the skeptics, she also genuinely helped a lot of her clients as well: selling handmade lucky bracelets with protection spells, adding essence of magic in the baked goods, giving accurate and helpful advice to those who truly want to seek answers. And in their travels, the shop would appear at every stop, providing them a home they can settle into before they must pack up and disappear again.

New Haven was the town she liked most. It was a bustling town, full of fellow travelers and stories. It was the place she and Taehyung spent the most time in, a place that they could settle together, a place that they called home.

She told Taehyung that’s all she ever wanted for them. A place to settle down, a permanent residence for the shop. While it’s nice to travel the world and take in new sights and experiences, she’s always wanted to find a place she could always come back to. And New Haven, to her, seemed to be that place.

Despite how often her abilities teetered between magic and illusion, she was always so careful. After all, real magic was taboo. And her foresight has always been reliable, letting her know when it’s time to move to a new place, when people are becoming too suspicious.

“I’m tired of running away all the time,” she confesses to Taehyung one day, petting his feathers as she looked out the window, into the town she loved so much. “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could stay here for a long time too?”

They didn’t leave as baseless gossip around the pubs spread about her and her affinity to magic. They didn’t leave when some of the townsfolk threw stones at them, trying to drive them out of New Haven. They didn’t leave when they tried to burn the shop and almost killed them.

They should've left when the hunters came.

They’re a ruthless, violent group. Persistent as they knock on the doors and demand to know how the clairvoyant does her tricks and illusions, forcing her into revealing her secrets. They drove all the customers away, turned the once beloved regulars against her, creating more hearsay as they called her a con artist and a scammer.

Taehyung doesn’t remember the reason why they took her and tied her up against the wooden pole, throwing stacks of hay and easily flammable foliage around her feet. He doesn’t remember the reason why a preacher from the Devoted stood before the rowdy crowd, calling her a sinner as he riled them up more. He doesn’t remember why no one stood up for her when all she wanted to do was make people happy.

He does remember the hurt and fear in his owner’s eyes before the anger started to seep in. Taking over him completely, until he saw red. Until all he could feel was something pure and foreign. 

Hatred.

Black feathers sprout from his arm and his nails sharpen into talons. He gasps and tries to hide it, to shift back into a full human. Among the outrage, the terror, and the betrayal that weighs heavily in his broken heart, he can feel something fighting against it, trying to keep him from transforming.

“Taehyung, don’t lose yourself,” the clairvoyant pleads as the smoke rises and the embers grow. Although she’s being made a spectacle, he can hear her voice as if she’s standing before him. “I have one more prediction. It’s about your future. Won’t you listen to it?”

There’s too much going on. The clamor of the crowd, chanting like a cult. The fires grow steadily as smoke fills the air and goes into her lungs.

Physically, he starts to change. As he blinks, his eyes become a little more golden. The suppressed darkness and negativity start to taint veins, coloring them black against his skin and spreading from his chest to his neck.

“One day, Taehyung, we’ll meet again. You’ll be happier then. More than you’ve ever been at this point. You’ll fall in love again. You’ll be surrounded by good people who will keep the shop alive, who will give comfort and joy to people better than I ever could by myself. Those people will be your family, Taehyung. And they’ll love you so much.”

Taehyung doesn’t realize he’s crying. He feels so small. He feels so helpless.

It isn’t fair. Why her? Why did they all turn against her? She did nothing wrong. She only wanted to make others happy.

“Don’t lose yourself, Taehyung. Keep holding on. I’m sorry I won’t be with you much longer, but take care of yourself. Take care of the shop. Remember, no matter how harsh the winters are, you’re a person full of love and warmth.”

Taehyung sobs as her screams pierce the smoky air.

When you come down from your bath, you see Seokjin cutting some vegetables in the kitchen and Namjoon dutifully stands by the cauldron and stirs the pot.

“I thought Taehyung was cooking the stew.”

“He’s playing with Hoseok,” Seokjin says, nodding toward one of the small tables where the two of them are laughing together and peeling potatoes. It seems like they’re trying to see who can make the longest peel without magic. “All he’s doing is boiling some meat, so I’m adding more ingredients to make it tastier.”

“Do you need help?”

“Yeah, grab a spoon and let me taste the broth,” he instructs, hands full as he continues to chop cabbage and carrots into chunky pieces. You pick up a ladle, scoop up a spoonful from the cauldron, and carefully take it to Seokjin. You watch a little too intently as he leans toward you, puckers his plush lips, and blows gently on the liquid before tasting it. HIs lips smack a little as he nods his head. “It’s better.”

“Really?”

“I want a taste too,” Hoseok tells you, pouting playfully when he sees you and Seokjin.

“Me too!” Taehyung chimes after. Even cat Yoongi hops on the counter and meows at you that he’s hungry.

Thus, somehow, you end up going around and feeding each of them. Even Namjoon, who could perfectly get some himself as he’s supposed to keep an eye on the soup. He smirks as you glare at him, muttering, “I hope you burn your tongue.”

“Behave, baby,” is all he says, voice deep as he raises an eyebrow. You ignore the skip in your heart as you maintain a straight face and flip him off.

Taehyung smiles as he observes your interactions with each of them. “You know, this is the liveliest this place has been in a long time. It’s really nice.”

There’s a tug in your heart when you recall what Yoongi said. How he must’ve lost someone important to him. How quiet and lonely the shop was in all these years. Quietly, you ask, “Can you tell us more about the previous owner?”

“Ah, she was a lot like you. Pretty. Kind. Brave.” He trails off a bit, and you can see the lingering love he has for her in his voice and his face. The fond expression is clouded with sadness as he continues, “She passed away a long time ago, though. As you can see, her magic is fading from this place and the shop needs new owners to keep it alive.”

“New owners?” Seokjin repeats, carefully dumping the cut vegetables into the stew. He glances over at you, and you meet his gaze for a brief second, shocked.

“That’s right. The shop runs through magic. Without it, it’ll just deteriorate and collapse upon itself,” Taehyung explains, looking at the current state of the shop. “Actually, I wanted to ask if you’d want to be the new owners.”

“Why us?” Namjoon asks, a bit hesitant. Only because it seems too good to be true. You and the others need a place to stay, and the shop, although falling apart, feels more like home than Blackstone Castle ever did.

“Destiny,” Taehyung simply replies, glancing over to you as well. “I think there’s a reason that we met, and why I found you guys again in the forest. I think there’s a reason why the three of you have all dreamt of this place.”

Your eyes widen as you look at Namjoon and Hoseok. “You guys too?”

“It was only once or twice,” Namjoon admits from behind you, “but after dreaming of running and being chased, I sometimes ended up here. Whenever I dreamt of reaching this place, it didn’t feel like a nightmare anymore.”

“I saw it in Divination class,” Hoseok says, a bit bashful. “There were lots of people living with us, cooking and eating together, playing music and dancing, laughing and having fun. We were a family. I didn’t think it would come true at first, but I wanted it so badly.”

“Me too,” you murmur, looking at Seokjin. You’ve told him your prediction about the shop that fulfills many needs and comforts. “I didn’t think it’d come true either.”

“I’ll give you some time to think about it. I think there’s still enough magic in this shop for three more days. Then, once it runs out, it’ll disappear for good,” Taehyung explains as he holds up three fingers. Then, his face lights up when he suddenly remembers something. “Ah! But I do have one more question.”

“What’s that?”

There’s a glint in his amber eyes as he asks, “Do any of you need a familiar?”

It feels like the world moved on too fast after she left.

Sunlight peeks from a heavily curtained window, shining some light into a dark and gloomy room. But Taehyung has long since been awake, hand touching the side of the bed where she would’ve laid. Sometimes, he doesn’t bother to get out of bed at all, even when the shop provides him all the things that would’ve made him happy: instruments like trumpets, trombones, and saxophones playing a jazzy tune, a new canvas upon an easel with vivid colors of paint to use, fresh strawberries and cooked meat already waiting for him at the dining table. Eventually, the music stops, the muse to create remains untouched, and the food becomes cold.

The hunters leave after tearing the shop apart, only finding a lonely raven hiding in its nest.

One of the hunters gives a young boy a dagger. “Take care of that animal, boy.”

The young boy nods and approaches the loft where Taehyung hides. He raises the weapon, sharp tip pointing right at him, but Taehyung doesn’t move. Perhaps this is better than having to spend another day without her.

But the boy has a change of heart. When the other hunters aren’t looking, he carries the raven to a window and sets him free. “Go. Before they notice.”

So, Taehyung flew off to start anew.

Years passed, and day by day, things got a little easier. He still feels so small and fragile, and it shows in his form as a baby bird. And while he wishes he could put everything behind him, the magic shop still follows him. Whether he’s in an eastern temple, a southern desert, a northern snowscape, or a western forest, the shop is always there to comfort him.

And then, one day, when he feels numb enough to forget the pain, he enters it with the intention of releasing its contract with him. With dead, amber eyes, he stares at the dark-painted door by the entrance. 

A door that leads to the heart of the shop.

Beyond it is a small, empty room with white walls, but it can transform into whatever the owner of the shop desires: a banquet, a loft, a studio, a game room. As Taehyung enters, it's a séance room. One that the previous owner held many of her readings, whether true or not.

Sitting on the table is a crystal ball. To his surprise, he sees an image inside it.

He sees her. The old owner. She smiles and waves at him, keeping her promise of meeting him again. Taehyung grabs the ball in his hands, looking into it with disbelief. “Clairvoyant!” 

The image changes. An ominous fortress. Blackstone Castle.

Is he meant to go there?

As a small raven, he flies across a thick forest until his wings are exhausted. But like most familiars, he can sense magical auras nearby. It gives him the strength to keep going. Many animals are attracted to mages, including dangerous predators. It isn’t uncommon for wolves, bears, and big cats to lurk near the castle. He does his best to avoid getting attacked by any of them.

By the time he reaches it, he collapses from a tree, dizzy, tired, hungry.

“Hoseok, look!”

When Taehyung opens his eyes, he’s being carried by warm, gentle hands. He feels the tips of fingers carefully rub his feathers, and two faces peering down at him. Yours and Hoseok’s.

Contracts between a mage and a familiar tend to be straight-forward. For Hoseok, who is still considered an apprentice, it’s simple.

“Defeat me in battle, and I’ll become your familiar,” Taehyung dramatically tells him. 

The two stand across from each other in front of the shop. Hoseok seems nervous as he holds onto his wand, glancing around as if anyone would stumble upon you guys at any given moment. Even though Taehyung has assured you all that he’s put up invisible portals to prevent any human from walking into the match, turning them around if they happen to walk through it. The rest of you sit on the porch steps with Yoongi on your lap and Seokjin passing some snacks over your head to Namjoon.

It’s the second day. Dawn barely breaks through the horizon before flashes of bright colors emitting from Hoseok’s wand light the dark skies. After supper together and wishing each other good night before breaking off into your separate rooms, all of you feel more rejuvenated than you had in days. Fed, well-rested, safe, and sheltered. You can’t quite imagine a better place than this.

Yoongi purrs in your lap, his eyes darting back and forth between Hoseok and Taehyung with interest. Effortlessly, Taehyung becomes a raven and flies overhead, dodging the bullets of light that shoots from Hoseok’s wand. Neither of them are holding back as Taehyung would swoop down and peck his ear, tug on his hair, or scratch his shoulder.

This is how it should be, Yoongi seems to tell you. No need for Harrowings or unnecessary deaths. Just a good, ol’ fashion duel between magical beings.

Twenty minutes later, Hoseok lands a hit on Taehyung, who dives down and rolls on the ground, shifting into his human form. “Ow. You win.”

“I won?”

“He went easy on him,” Seokjin scoffs, munching on his snacks.

“Hoseok knows how to make ambrosia. That’s the hardest concoction to make,” Namjoon points out, not only because of how rare the ingredients are, but because of how difficult and time-consuming it is to get them. And even then, it is very easy to mess it up. “We can let him pass this one.”

“Hoseok! You won!” you cheer, running up to him as Hoseok screams in triumph. He catches you in his arms and spins you around in glee. 

Taehyung, voice hoarse, dramatically rolls to his back and looks up at Hoseok. “You have proven your worth, apprentice. No, enchanter. I shall be your familiar and help guide you through your magical journey from now on.”

Hoseok laughs as he extends a hand to the raven. “I’m looking forward to having you by my side, Taehyung.”

A connection between them is instantly made. A special bond between familiar and mage. You look over at your own familiar, sharing a knowing look with him.

“We should celebrate,” Seokjin suggests as he stands up with a proud smile. “I’ll cook something nice for all of us.”

“Maybe we can look around town as well,” Namjoon adds, seeming curious about what's in New Haven. The rest of you agree, in need of new clothes and supplies since everything has been left behind at Blackstone Castle.

Before heading out, Namjoon warns you and Hoseok not to use any magic. Even if the people seem friendly, they could easily turn you to the hunters if you warrant enough suspicion. Taehyung is eager to help you guys blend in, transforming your enchanter robes into casual attires.

It feels a bit strange. You’re not used to wearing something so pretty. In comparison, the enchanter robes are so plain and simple. One bland color without design or appeal.

Taehyung takes a step back to admire his work once the illusion spell is cast on your old clothes. There’s a sincerity in his voice as he murmurs, “You’re so beautiful.”

“Thank you,” you reply back, a bit flustered. Perhaps it’s because Taehyung himself is so handsome, or perhaps it’s his honesty that makes you know he means what he says, but he has a way of making you feel so shy.

The boys have changed their robes and armor for suits, and at the entrance where you’re all gathered, it’s like you can’t stop looking at each other.

“Wow! Jin, you’re so handsome!” Namjoon loudly exclaims, causing Seokjin’s ears to turn red as Hoseok touches the fabric of his suit. Even though he and Namjoon are wearing something similar.

“You don’t look bad yourself, Joon,” you comment when Taehyung brings you in. Hoseok’s jaw falls open as the redness from Seokjin’s ears spreads to his face and neck. In the tiniest, quietest voice, you think Namjoon compliments you back. But Hoseok is already all over you, openly admiring how nice you look in your new outfit. Even Yoongi stares at you so intensely, you almost want to ask your cat if anything is wrong.

The five of you enter town and spend the day exploring. 

You and Hoseok feel like children, fascinated with everything around you. He excitedly points at horses pulling a carriage or some of the funny hats some people wear on their heads. At a clothing shop, the two of you try on some of the silly hats you guys saw, bursting into fits of laughter the more flamboyant and ridiculous they are. When he hears music from street performers, he pulls you along to dance with him, both of you giggling as one song blends into another and another.

Seokjin has your arm linked around his when you enter the famous marketplace. It feels like a place that’s easy to get lost in. Merchants have set up stands, selling everything from armors and weapons, common and rare artifacts and accessories, and daily ingredients for home-cooked meals. He sees you eyeing one that sells flowers and buys a small bouquet for you. His whole face turns suspiciously red when the old merchant smiles at him and says, “You make a lovely couple.”

For lunch, Taehyung shows you a place by a river that instantly becomes Namjoon’s favorite spot. The five of you sit by the grassy bank, admiring the way the sunlight shimmers off the reflection of the water. Yoongi growls at him in disdain when Namjoon rests his head on his spot – your lap – but proceeds to climb on his chest and glare down at him menacingly. Seokjin and Hoseok finally share a drink together, clinking bottles of alcohol. You giggle when Hoseok gives a curious Taehyung a sip of his, and laugh harder at the utter disgust on his face that follows afterwards. Namjoon smiles when he feels you absently run your fingers through his hair. He tells you that he’s happy, and you admit that you are as well.

By sunset, when all of you finally return back to the shop, you and Seokjin immediately prepare a celebratory supper for Hoseok and Taehyung. Although you were all gone most of the day, the place suddenly seems cleaner. Brighter. You hear Taehyung playing with the piano and it doesn’t sound out of tune like it had before. Even the food tastes more delicious, and you’re not sure if it’s because Seokjin has an eye for high quality ingredients and impeccable cooking skills, or if there’s a bit of magic that’s poured in from the shop.

“Taehyung,” Namjoon begins as dinner begins to wind down. “I think we’ve all made our decision already. About the shop.”

After meeting you and Hoseok, Taehyung can’t get you out of his mind.

Perhaps it’s because you really do remind him of his previous owner. Even if he isn’t completely certain you’re her in another life.

For days, Taehyung would watch you from the crystal ball, seeing little glimpses of your life. He sees that you’re a hard-worker, serious about your studies, and self-motivated in learning new things. He finds you really admirable, and knows that you’re very kind with the way you took care of him until he got better.

He sees your relationships with the other boys, and how easily drawn you are toward each of them. Namjoon and his admirable intelligence and gentle nature. Seokjin and his witty humor, playfulness, and consideration. Hoseok and his fervent passion and unyielding optimism. Yoongi and his calm, comforting aura and constant assurance.

He feels a bit envious, wishing he could be a part of that too.

The shop, once a place of painful memories, suddenly gives him a bit of hope. It isn’t every day that he is able to look into your life. Sometimes it’d take weeks or months for a new vision to appear. But every time it does, the warm and optimistic feeling of hope resurges within him.

Taehyung sees visions of darkness, flames, betrayal, loss, and terror that occurs during that fateful night. He sees how it’s ripped you all away from everything you’ve known and everything you’re used to. But a smile appears on his face when he sees something else.

You, at the shop, helping Seokjin cook for everybody and sharing quick kisses when he passes by you to grab a utensil or an ingredient. You with Namjoon at the reading nook, noses stuck in your own books and heads resting on big pillows on the floor, but you’re reading the same lines over and over as his fingers absently massages and trace patterns on your leg. You and Hoseok dancing together at the parlor room, even when there isn’t music playing, and he’s incredibly smitten as he spins you around and dips you before slowly bringing you back up for a kiss. You and Yoongi napping together in the afternoon, seemingly innocently, had it not been for the fresh bite marks against your thighs and neck.

Then, he sees you and him. 

Taehyung gifts you pretty things: coins, jewelry, bottle caps, buttons, polished rocks. He sings to you while you work, pecking your face with teasing kisses before pressing his lips against yours. At night, he shows you his nest at the loft and has you lie among his collection of pretty, shiny things. There’s an alluring look in your eyes as his hands tugs on the strings of your corset. His eyes seem to glow with desire as he drinks you in, watching your reactions as he tenderly kisses your neck, your collarbone, your breast, your torso. He sees his large hand pin your wrist down as he brings your hips to him, and how your hand clenches the fabric of a blanket beneath you as your lips part open.

There’s more that the crystal shows him, but Taehyung is already gone. Determined and flustered to see you again.

On the third day, all of you have gathered around the dining table with the deed to the shop sitting before you. It feels like an easy decision. 

Of course, all of you had to treat it like a business and figure out ways to make profit. Seokjin and Hoseok like the idea of keeping the tavern and providing warm meals and cold drinks to customers. Although none of you have experience in owning a shop, Namjoon is good at numbers and offers to take care of the back-end of the business, such as bookkeeping finances and sales. Taehyung is adamant about the mysterious room in the entrance, selling you to the idea that it can have many uses in both the professional and personal sense. And all of you, including Yoongi, like the idea of providing entertainment at the parlor room with music, dancing, and games.

“Is there a catch that we should know about?” Hoseok asks as he reads through the contents of the deed one more time. All of you look at Taehyung for confirmation.

“It’s not a catch, per say,” Taehyung begins, shifting uneasily as the room falls silent. “I just want to reiterate that the shop is driven by magic.”

“So, is the shop going to drain our magic or something?” Namjoon asks, hesitant.

“No, nothing like that,” he assures you all. “One mage alone can power the shop by casting spells, doing small rituals, and crafting potions. Three mages and two familiars living here will make the upkeep easy.”

“What about non-magical beings? What can I do?” Seokjin nervously questions, seeming to want to contribute as well.

A slow, boxy smile appears on Taehyung’s face as he locks eyes with you. “Do you know what the most powerful kind of magic is? It’s love.”

Seokjin snorts in disbelief. “Isn’t that a little too cheesy?”

“He’s right, though,” Hoseok defends, sighing as he thinks of Miss Eunjeong’s parting words to him. “It sounds simple, but loving yourself, loving others, sharing that unconditional and mutual feeling with someone can be difficult.”

“You have to face the ugliest parts about yourself and accept it. Find ways to choose love when things become tough. It’s a constant effort,” Namjoon adds, and it feels like all of them are looking right at you when he says, “You can love someone so much, and never know if they truly love you back.”

“It’s a little scary,” you admit quietly. Even now, you feel so vulnerable opening up like this. Are you even a person worthy of being loved like that? Although you know that you love the boys, are you deserving of theirs?

All of you fall quiet again, thinking about it. With all of them, you had to hide your feelings from them in one way or another. With Hoseok, it was because he was in love with someone else. With Namjoon, you were both rivals and had a reputation to keep. With Seokjin, it’s because an affair between a mage and warden is forbidden. Even you and Yoongi stay strictly in the lane of mage and familiar.

“But you’re willing to try, right?” Taehyung asks, looking between you all as if he already knows the answer. “As long as we all love each other, as long as we’re together, the shop will become more than just a business. It’ll be a home. We can settle down and continue to have happier days from now on.”

“We give the best of each other,” Namjoon says with a soft smile toward you, being the first to sign. “I’ll show you.”

Hoseok signs as well. So does Seokjin. Yoongi dabs his paw in the ink and presses it on the paper. Taehyung’s name is already on the paper. That just leaves yours.

You pick up the quill and draw in a breath. It feels like all your dreams are coming true. A new home, a new family, a new life.

Ink spills into your signature and seals the deal.

Thank you for reading ♡ Comments & reviews are greatly appreciated! Taglist: @natalie-rdr​; @scentisterror; @aloneatpeace ​ To join the tag list, please read [here].

Previous | Series Masterlist | Next  

[thedarksideofthesuns]

romance and shitttt

the idea of a lifelong partner, a spouse, a husband, a wife, a house, kids, domestic bliss and whatnot stresses me out and depresses me. i feel like wow, a spouse that will drive me away from my friends, my dreams and my independence. i love my friends my dreams and my independence. but the type of treatment i thought i liked within romantic relationships is very intimate, all the time, clingy stuff which really contradicts that.

in my previous relationship i was with someone i thought was perfect for me because he took care of all my needs. at first it was a sweet and fun relationship but due to this partner being so caring and attentive of me i grew codependent, and he grew codepdnent too i think. after breaking up i was devastated due to losing this familliarity and support system. but there was not much spark or whatever... he really really liked me and i thought i liked him but i dont think i truly did which is something i learnt when about 5/6 months after breaking up i started talking to someone else. this new person is not dependable, is unreliable and although he is kind and sweet he is not the most attentive person to go to with your problems. he is not a shoulder to cry on really and i always thought thats what romance is all about: a shoulder to cry on. and yet ive never had such fun with someone im romantically entagled with before. we are not in a relationship which is new to me but i like it because there is no musts and no expectations from either side. he cant expect impossible things from me as people often do, he cant make me feel inadequate and he never ever does. additionally i cant place expectations on him which makes everything chill and non personal. he doesnt do something? i dont take it personal because that just isnt what we have. i feel very at peace with this person in a sense that he just wouldnt be mad at me, he wouldnt nitpick my behaviour, he just wants to spend time with me whenever possible and share whatever we can share with no heavy expectations weighing us down.

and i have learnt a lot from this, first and foremost: patience! i was never patient with people before but now i feel patient and secure that everything is alright even with changes and even with time passing. I have learnt independence through this but also other things that happened in thee 10 months I have known him for- probably craziest 10 months of my life so far. I have learnt to be alone and keep busy and deal with my emotions without needing a romantic partner to complain to. i am closer with my friends and family and with myself because i finally changed my perception of what romantic partners are for!!!!! the media and also a lot of people make it seem like its your partners job to listen to you and heal you and constantly be there for you and yes of course that is true or whatever but thats not on your partner alone!!!!! romantic partners are for romance, for fun, for sex, for unspoken intimacy and understanding, for spoken understanding, for tension, for feelig good and beautiful and sexy and in love!!! not to take care of you. thinking back to whenever my ex boyfriend was incredibly caring of me i was very grateful and happy to have him, and i mourned that heavily when we broke up but i also ended up feeling helpless and small- enabled in my depression even!!!!

So having learnt that what I want from romance is fun and joy, because i deserve fun and joy! I deserve someone who has done the work as i have! One of the main attractive qualities this person has is he has done the work. The first time we met we talked a lot and in one of our conversations in the same breath he admitted all the pain his parents have caused him, how it was not their fault because they have hd difficult lives, how he forgives them but also has boundaries in place to protect himself. i was droolingggg like the maturity GAGGED ME i was so impressed idk... i just love meeting people who have reflected and admitted and done the work.. whereas some others wont even admit they need help and keep boasting about engaging in self destructive behaviour. i want fun and joy, someone who knows, someone who has done the work!

So thinking about a long term partner because i do want that, i think i would just love to have something like that forever maybe. Of course later on in life something more commited since now I feel like I am young and having fun and whilst i think to be totally in love with this person i also love the lack of commitment, my independance and whatnot even if i am not particularly getting with other people. I think i just want a carefree fun and joyous connection where we have fun, go out, chill, giggle while fucking and understand each other with no shame in being seen.

thoughts?!?!!

[pitbullwithaship]

DOCTOR WHO LIVEBLOG 2009 SPECIAL THE END OF TIME (PART 1)

Okay, I think I might be emotionally prepared for both of the parts of this. Time to watch, wish me mental stability!

Planet Earth Intro

Oh there's a documentary narrator lol

Hello christmas

WILF HELLO

Pretty singing, gorgeous singing

Those kids are good

Tardis cameo?

THE SAINTED PHYSICIAN LOL

Spooky woman?

Evil laughter?

Hi Doctor (he's mentally ill)

Hi Ood (he is aware of the Doctor's mental illness)

Snowy day

Ooh pretty city

Ood prophet cool

More evil laughter?? Hello?

Which man is dead

The Master? Maybe tis his wife at least (poor her)

WHATY WHAT TIS WEIRD GALLIFREYAN THINGY

HES ALIVE THEN WHAT

It's not nice when time starts bleeding

Poor Lucy

Weird woman on the TV?

Okay resurrection generally isn't the greatest choice

This is culty

Til death do them part she's awesome

Person running? Master running?

I love Wilf he's so silly

Lol sending out the troops to find the Doctor

Okay so the Master is even more insane than before

Yay Obama

Creepy as hell my dude

That's horrifying

That's ultra horrifying jeez

Hello Doctor

Epic chase through a garbage dump

"Let me help" oh come on you've tried that before

Old people gang up to take a photo with him lol

Gets groped

Don't be sulky Doctor

HE WILL KNOCK FOUR TIMES OH MY GOSH

Dude course you'll die that's just what happens

Not changed no

Aww hello Shaun Temple

They're cute, and he's glad she's happy, he's the ultimate depressed bestie

Merry Fucking Christmas

Awww he misses her so much!! This is so sad!!!

Doctor where are you going now!?

Idiots and fools

Dramatic western faceoff

WALKS FROM AN EXPLOSION HELLO

I've said before, he's quite good at getting electrocuted

He's also vaguely suicidal but at the same time desperate to stay alive

Oh I know, he has the fear of death that only one who'd like to die can have

We can hear it

HE HEARD IT

You are mad my dude

Flying light thing? Hello

Oh it's the government then I assume

Poor Doctor

Oh generic rich powerful dude has a book

HELLO DONNA?

Oh generic rich powerful dude has the Master

Okay generic rich powerful people are evil generic rich powerful people

The war was won and passed you by

Aww he never killed that wonderful I live Wilf

Usually if people say "whatever you do don't tell so-and-so" you should probably tell so-and-so

Pistol

He loves her so much

Fair enough lol

Sylvia gurl

I thought it'd be cleaner I love Wilf

Wilf and Doctor friendship is the most pure flawless amazing one ever

Scientists rebelling maybe?

Nope those are aliens

PEOPLE NEED TO STOP TRYING FOR IMMORTALITY ITS BAD

If the censoring thing on the tardis got broken the Doctor would be scandalized by the amount of swearing his companions all do but especially wilf and donna

Shimmer shimmer

I love aka hate how he's wearing a dog collar

Bondage

Oh shit

Oh dear

I guess they hide the presidents face cuz they couldn't get a real Barack Obama cameo which sucks

No he's not gonna love this

Oh dear a planet of Masters

Oh dearie me

That's disturbing

That's incredibly disturbing holy cows

THE TIME LORDS RETURNED IM SORRY WHAT HELLO THE NARRATOR IS A TIME LORD TOO WHY DO THEY WANT TO END TIME I THOUGHT THEY WERE STUFFY AND LAW ABIDING

[aqours]

hi i'm gonna rant about rwby for like the first time in 6 years

ok i'm gonna rant about how this season didn't matter + Ruby's suicide attempt (because yes that's what it was) hi i haven't been involved in this fandom since like fucking season 3 ended

so at the end of the day Jaune is back to not being old and Ruby didn't become Ruby 2. this is slightly better than my predictions because i FULLY anticipated Ruby post-ascension would essentially become a new character that would also just fully be one of Jaune's cheerleaders down to her core so that Jaune could fully replace Ruby as the mc once and for all

i can't tell if it's better or worse that the 2+ year wait for RWBY fans and the end result is an entire season where NOTHING happened. there are no lasting consequences. it was a waste of fucking time and it's clear they genuinely thought the Justice League movie, which was based on a crossover comic that literally nobody liked would be what would save RWBY, a show produced by a company that is in incredibly hot water that prooooooobably wants to wash their hands of it by now. instead, just as the comic was dogshit, the movie was also dogshit. there's not even a scene to hype up a potential season 10 lmao

i genuinely think they were betting all their money on the Justice League movie and oops it's gonna sell like dogshit

and what gets to me is like. the fact NOTHING mattered. i thought for SURE that they'd keep Punished "Venom" Jaune because it makes him look more like Miles or that they would kill off Ruby as we have known her to make Ruby 2 again to make Jaune the new mc as Miles has clearly wanted for ages so there would be lasting consequences but there isn't? the entire thing was actually the equivalent of those like, old filler arcs Naruto and Bleach used to have back before the industry started preferring anime seasons over the show never stopping and its BAFFLING

and all for what? suicide analogies? i actually saw someone be like "WHY IS IT THE MOST MEDIA ILLITERATE PEOPLE BECOME RWBY CRITICS anyways it's clearly not a metaphor for ascension because the ever after people-" yes for THEM its not fucking suicide. for the people native to this world returning to the tree and being reborn is not suicide. that's how their world works. they're born for purposes. they fulfill those purposes. they can keep doing what they do as long as they want but? there's no stigma for THEM to chose to end their current existences so they can be reborn as something else. a scene i actually REALLY liked was when Weiss was like it IS really weird, to them, because they are NOT native to this world and thus it's such a bizarre alien aspect. and that Jaune was kind of forcing their worldview on the Paper Pleasers who were clearly OK with it. in the context of the native inhabitants of the people of the Ever After the context of ending your life so you can be reborn is not harmful to them- it's a NATURAL part of their world and that's OK! it's weird to them, to us, but that's OK! it's a fantasy fairy tale world that works differently than the real world and Remnant with a COMPLETELY different philosophy surrounding death. when you know for sure you'll be reborn as something else in a fictional setting, the philosophies and morals of death can change. that's fine.

in the context of RUBY it was suicide. in the context of RUBY ROSE who is NOT native to this world it was a suicide attempt. she was MISERABLE. she was depressed. Yang fucking stepped in front of Blake and glared at her like an enemy. Ruby was at her most horrific mental state yet and was completely ignored by everyone until it was too late. Neo actively manifested physical trauma in front of her until Ruby reached such a breaking point after seeing her mouse friend be killed she actively decided she wanted to end her existence as Ruby Rose. she did not want to keep being herself. Ruby decided that for her existence as Ruby Rose was completely destroyed and she became somebody new with no memories of her past that it was preferable to being alive as she was now. the sheer brutal reality is that if Neo had handed her a rope instead? probably the same result.

Ruby committed suicide in front of her best friends and five minutes later they were smiling and hugging and basically saying well maybe she'll come back BETTER maybe it was a good thing she did that what the fuck

nothing in this season mattered. it was a fucking filler season. nothing of long-term consequence happened. clearly the writing team fucking loved 13 reasons why and you know what i don't judge for shit like that but why was it in RWBY. why did this show of all things do this weird suicide thing with Ruby and present it as a good thing. "she was taking her medicine" no Yang was fucking HORRIFIED to see it. they just justified it like ten minutes later. she committed suicide and everyone was like "well maybe that's not so bad actually" and then it went from "she committed suicide" to "it was a suicide attempt" instead.

nothing mattered except that we know clearly 13 reasons why is the writer's favorite show. it's obvious that this was a filler season and instead all of the actual manpower and effort went into that movie in the hopes that it'd attract DC fans to the fandom in the vain hopes that the DC fans + bumblebee canon now would be enough to save it. please for the love of god let it die

[emophilzablr]

Here she is, BPD analysis.

— Disclaimer: I am not a professional, I did study psychology for most of my life and my credentials to this is simply the fact that I am BPD as well. I also want to highlight that these symptoms can also be AUTISM! And that maybe that is even more relatable to him, though, you can have both, because they really tend to coexist

Here are the symptoms of BPD, and either if he shows them or not, or if its believed he does. Remembering you don't need to have all of them, you need to fit the criteria, of some specific ones, that differentiate BPD from disorders like Bipolar and depression, and they all overlap with Autism which causes a confusion in diagnosis.

• Fear of rejection and abandonment: He keeps count of every time he was rejected, his biggest struggle in life was with the fact that Amelia rejected him, replaced him, and abandoned him, he has been in the loop of this trauma for years, it never leaves him, because that's his biggest fear coming true. His fear of boringness or of being mediocre is also in this, he wants to overcompensate so people don't reject or leave him again. Also, this symptom comes with a pattern that is very very common in this symptom, leaving first, losing interest after the chase, people with BPD leave first to not get abandoned.

• Intense and unstable relationships: We know that his romantic relationships are always like this, incredibly intense at first and then it dies out or they leave or he leaves, and they tend to be unstable while it was happening, especially with Amelia, it was incredibly unstable and toxic for both.

• 8/80 relationships, going from intense love to nothing or to hatred: It seems like most of them have this, a big start, and a terrible ending, either it going to nothing or strong resentment (Amelia's case) It also has a part of this not talked, that after this hatred passes, BPD people tend to come back, and, blame themselves which well, next symptom.

• Villain complex: Most BPD people experience this, seeing themselves as absolute horrible monsters, most of his songs make him the villain, he really highlights like hey i'm a horrible person, and this is very, very common. I think funnily enough, C!Wilbur is a perfect demonstration of this part of him, it's a self insert of the Villain he makes himself to be.

• Constant changes in personality: We have seen this, even as a streamer, in a place he was never truly himself, he's always changing completely who he is, even though it's a character. I also feel that the fact that he has so many characters that are all clearly self inserts is a way to express this self image issue he has, going on a limb here but you get it. He also seems to struggle with his appearance and self image and tends to become a sponge when with others.

• Impulsive behavior: So this is many factors, getting from the internet straight up “Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship” He does a bunch of those, he did have a problem with abusing alcohol, most of us believe he did that with coke as well, we know that he impulsively drops all his responsibilities and doesn't keep up his promises, that he's constantly moving, constantly dropping and then coming back to it, that he can be super excited for something and then suddenly not be anymore, he's always ruining his relationships even though some of them are good just because he found something more exciting. He has binge eaten too but I don't know if that is something he always does.

• Self harm/Suicidal tendencies: He shows few of these, some of his songs imply that he was in a mental state that this could happen, what we know is that he did punch a window, accidentally he says, but we don't know, I think his form of self harm is self sabotage.

• Paranoia: This is something that is not spoken much about BPD but I think even his hypochondria could be a symptom since BPD is very prone to paranoia, and his is based on his health, he thinks he's dying literally all the time, that he's sick and that he has something, this is pure paranoid behavior.

• Mood swings: We don't know if he has many, we do know he has Bipolar signs in this, expressing more stages of depression and mania, but he also has constant anxiety problems, which can all be part of this symptom in specific.

• Emptiness: Another one that is incredibly necessary, and we know this is his main affliction most times, he feels apathetic all the fucking time, it's his favorite word in music, he shows this idea that he's incapable of loving too that is part of this emptiness, he thinks he doesn't feel anything because there's nothing inside him type of thing.

• Anger: This is inconclusive, it is to believe that when he was younger he was a very angry person, we don't know if that's still there, but, we know it was a problem at some point.

[compassionatereminders]

i don't know what i should do but i distanced myself from some people (mentally too) bc I've been overwhelmed with trauma and getting tired of even speaking of it.. so I just say things are fine. I used to speak to one person whom we always shared thoughts with, understood me and what not, that was until their mental health got bad so I didn't really want to speak on my stuff to overwhelm ofc and offered support. we don't speak daily but we reply to each others messages whenever we can which became the norm.

the person did come across someone and got along with. they started dating within a few weeks and moved together. its been over a year they are and seems very happy. now, i already have some issues with people leaving or some kind of change occurring, which i noticed slowly, on top of that I can admit I feel toxic, in the sense of jealously. for context, ive never been in a relationship or anything. do I want to? Ofcourse. I think I deserve to be feeling loved. It never really bothered me until last year, its like my life was crumbling down and everyone was getting what they wanted, happiness, wishing I could as well.

ive never dealt with this emotion of jealously before, i just for some reason never cared and got on, but for some reason it hitting me more, maybe bc I'm slowly giving up on many things, even finding love.

this person has been someone who i would share my mind with (it was reciprocal) but ofc bc of things i couldn't anymore. I guess I couldn't share it with anyone so it felt bottled up, however I did share before of a friend who got in a relationship and doesn't even put effort in friendships.

anyways, once they got into one we still spoke. but I noticed a difference, they wasn't sharing much of themselves nor partner in the sense of i dont know much of a person he is, just a general overlook. idk I felt we used to speak on these things a lot when they was single so I felt weird how I dont know much of him as I thought. their replies began to get shorter, the time frame of replying back was a month later. we used to do that when times were hard for us, understanding and generally had long messages to send. but as I said, things were far short. So idk a month to send something little was a bit weird.

i also have this fear of friends sharing your personal information with their partners which make me super uncomfortable. I've had it happen before and its just a no. idk, I guess that stops me from sharing anything now bc maybe theyd do the same.

i guess I did notice a shift and whenever I do, I always distance myself. It is what it is. I feel incredibly alone and I feel like a negative person to be around with bc of these feelings I have inside. And I can see theyre happy and I dont want to make then feel uncomfortable with how I am feeling.

I sent a message at one point, addressing my mental health only. I wasn't fit to even speak, it was be unfair if I didn't respond at all so I said how things are quite rough so I won't speak for a while, it wasn't a goodbye but just I dont have the energy for things anymore. They respected how I felt and hoped things went well for me.

Its been 6 months and I haven't spoken to them. They posted on social media which I wished them happy birthdays and so, as they did for me. They say they pray for me things go good and I become happy. Which I appreciate. Normally I always wish them new years First, like every year but last year I did not. Partly bc I felt super depressed and also bc I dislike how I am always the one who says things first. After ages, they did wish me a happy new years message which was nice for once not being first too. However this year nothing so far, and I'm contemplating whether I should shoot a message right now.

It did make me feel a way when they kept mentioning, "so anything happening in ur love life?" Its like no, there never has. I guess I felt like things were being shoved in me so whenever I responded I would just be trutjful and say I dont see it happening and I'm okay with that. Which would say wait for ur time itll come. I understand when people say that but as a person who's been alone all my life that message doesn't help at all. It feels tiring to hear this constantly, I've waited for 25 years, I've waited enough, so please. I guess these little things made me feel bitter about them too, once I felt like it was shoved lowkey in my face I can't remember what exactly but like oh haha I dont have to worry about that now I have someone or something, which irked me. So yeah.

I have always appreciated having them in my life, our only form of contact is texting since we met online. We have been together some rough shit and have were there for each another too, also happy times too. But idk I guess I noticed a difference and it just made me step back.

I do feel sad bc I liked speaking with them, but I guess every since someone they came across they've just become private. And i guess I don't have much to speak about then. I'd rather not trauma dump bc I'm sick of my own shit too, but I just don't know what to do . I even thought maybe we should keep in contact here and there (not regularly as we used to) but I don't know what to do. I feel conflicted.

Okay I'm just gonna be completely honest with you, with the risk that it'll be a bit tough to hear. Because what I read is that YOU chose to distance yourself, YOU stopped sharing your life with this person, and then YOU said YOU didn't want to talk to them and didn't get back in touch. And now you're using the fact that the relationship didn't work out as proof that no one will ever actually care about you. And that's bullshit. And I get that there's trauma, and jealousy and insecurities and that you are not in this pattern on purpose, but what seems to be happening here is that YOU took a step back for whatever reasons, and then you used the fact that the relationship changed accordingly to you keeping your distance and asking for a break as proof that no one actually cares and no one ever will. And I have been there, and I have been in similar patterns. But it's bullshit. And it's toxic. Because this is not a story of a friend betraying you. This is a story of you sabotaging a friendship and then using the fact that it didn't last as proof of your insecurities. And that's something YOU need to work on if you want to feel better.

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Sad Ending Masterlist

Deathbeds (ao3) - orphan_account Luke/Ashton NR, 9k

Summary: Luke runs away from his abusive dad and meets Ashton. Ashton is just a sad kid who can't say no to the incredibly attractive blonde haired, blue eyed beauty. Luke is very depressed and homophobic and he starts to fall for Ashton, but he goes into denial and both boys are led down a very dark path upon meeting the other.

I'll Always Love You (ao3) - orphan_account Luke/Ashton T, 1k

Summary: "I want you forever, forever and always. Through the good and the bad and the ugly. We'll grow old together, forever and always."

Or that one really sad fic where Ashton gets in a car accident, and Luke remembers what was supposed to happen.

I Like You Better When I'm Wasted (ao3) - HPFangirl71 Luke/Calum E, 5k

Summary: If you're drunk when you have sex with your best friend it doesn't make you gay does it?

But maybe the exchange of sober kisses the next morning are a telltale sign…

i've been cold since you left (ao3) - youranimalside Michael/Luke T, 1k

Summary: “Here’s what we’re going to do. We are going to go to Universal Studios; we are going to get sorted. If I am not a Gryffindor, I will fight the Sorting Hat. Then we will get wands, and be nerdy little shits, and then we are going to get smashed, watch a movie of your choice, Mean Girls will be vetoed, and tomorrow, we are going to get on a plane back to Los Angeles because you are better than this. Screw Luke, okay?”

Or Michael's heartbroken and Calum's trying to fix it.

Last Night (ao3) - orphan_account Michael/Luke, Calum/Ashton M, 5k

Summary: On July 16th, 2011, Life as everyone knew it, changed. Luke Hemmings birthday became an accursed day for him. Surviving as a 15 year old teenager wasn't easy, especially when you are trying not to be killed. Life has its upsides and downfalls, the apocalypse is definitely a downfall in Luke's book. At least there is no school.

Remembering the summer, it takes me back (ao3) - zephyrusnico Luke/Ashton NR, 995

Summary: 'Luke looks at the picture of them and he remembers the day it was taken, remembers the days and the memories before and after that day. He thinks about how he remembers the day that has long since been erased from Ashton's mind, never to be remembered by him again.'

Room 93 (ao3) - princessmikey Michael/Luke NR, 5k

Summary: Luke and Michael are dating, but Michael's not ready to come out of the closet, so the only times they can be together are behind the walls of room 93.

What I see is heaven on Earth (ao3) - beendreaminglikeafool Michael/Luke M, 11k

Summary: Luke was too innocent for this world. Too naïve to handle the harshness of the outside. He’s never dealt with being one of the most famous singers of his generation, no experience dealing with the press, so Michael couldn’t imagine him in a similar situation that wouldn’t leave him mentally or physically damaged.

Wired Love (ao3) - gloomywilbur Luke/Ashton T, 20k

Summary: Ashton's stepdad has a strange occupation. He's a mad scientist to be specific, though he kept it secret, making sure to lock his lab all the time. Ashton couldn't help but get curious, and his curiosity only grew when he found the extremely realistic looking cyborg in his lab, its blue eyes and blonde hair had him breatheless. The robot glanced at him, "Hi, I'm Luke."

Woman (ao3) - mtvluke Michael/Luke NR, 861

Summary: The morning sun began to rise, shining through the window that had allowed an orange toned light to saturate the room and light the skin of the duo reminding them that they didn’t have much longer before their night together ended finally.

[mysticallion]

I have a question I hope you might expound upon. I have been meditating and at first it was amazing. I’ve always done guided meditations to help with sleep and pain, but these meditations started affecting me in my thinking and life, even in profound ways. I actually felt so at peace and at one with the world, and felt that most of my possessions were not all that important that the feeling of oneness in some way extended to the person who has been, and continued to steal from me for 11 years. I felt clarity of mind and a peacefulness I’ve never felt before. Then — and I imagine this is the egoic mind resetting itself — my mind became so powerful it was always thinking. Not just when I was trying to meditate, but literally All. The. Time. It’s hard for me to focus on anything because my mind is always inserting itself with its own thoughts. And when I try to meditate? It goes on hyper drive. I see it as a child given boundaries who suddenly needs to break all those boundaries, except it’s my own mind and I don’t know how to control it! I very much want to grow in meditating. It was helping me so much and I need that more than ever now. I don’t want a quick fix, I want a lifetime practice. Do you think you might write something about how to get through this stage? If it’s not too much trouble?

Good on you for the efforts. Meditation can be quite difficult at times, especially when you’re starting to do so in a regular manner. But it’s a skill, and like any skill it will improve with time, effort and consistency.

Meditating does so much, from a psychological and physical standpoint, that the experiences that arise from it can be incredibly intense and almost overwhelming at times, both in terms of your usual mental/emotional responses as well as your energetic system.

Meditation challenges fixed identity structures. It does so continuously, throughout all levels of practice, but when you first begin it does so in a more psychological manner. When you begin to look at your own processes, at the workings of your own mind (and bodily processes), it can seem for awhile like things are getting worse rather than better, like your mind is suddenly getting more noisy, more chaotic. But the truth is far more alarming: what’s actually happening is that you are really, for the first time, actually attending to what was already happening. All that babbling mental chatter and chaos has always been there; you’ve just never noticed it so directly before because it was simply part of the “background noise” of your life. You stopped attending to it the way we stop hearing traffic sounds when living near a busy street. But it was always there.

So noticing is the first step. The point is to gently but deliberately persist, to continue looking in an impartial sort of way, objectifying the contents of your internal experience rather than reflexively assuming them to be something that you are “doing,” paying more attention to the processes by which these thoughts and feelings arise, their patterns and dynamics, rather than following (and identifying with) their stories, as we are habitually oriented towards.

Sometimes the “story” is important because it can point to places where we are hanging onto the past in an unhealthy way. This sort of meditation can be tricky, though, as it is often quite difficult to look at, much less see, your own shadows. Therapeutic psychology works by helping people look at, and see, these “outdated self-stories” in a safe environment, and teaches how to work with them in positive, productive and healing way, essentially helping to change these old stories out for new ones better suited for living with less stress, anxiety and depression. And frankly, in my opinion, almost everyone can benefit from some basic therapy, because we all carry old memories and psychic scars that we have incorporated into our self-story, and that continue to harm us in different ways.

But meditation approaches this “problem” from a completely different angle. Instead of helping to heal and straighten out the knots in the psychological sense of self, it seeks to bypass these altogether by focusing on and becoming familiar with the processes by which such thoughts and feelings arise—rather than their content. In so doing, over time, it demonstrates (via direct and immediate experience) how this entire sense of self is a “false” one, in effect an illusion woven by habitual and largely unconscious brain processes. It’s a referential habit. It’s memory combined with sensory input, so it’s as thin and ephemeral as thought itself, rather than being anything that needs to be measured and defended. This is a brain that has been shaped by all the stories feed into it, stories about what it means to be a “this” or a “that,” stories about what to desire and what to fear, stories about “who I am” and even “what is real.” We’ve inherited these ideas and incorporated them into our brains and convinced ourselves that these are, indeed, who we are, or should be. Meditation helps to see through this illusion by clearly revealing this ephemerality. Thus it helps to reveal the true living being—less all these concepts—that a person really is.

Another thing that can occur in early stages of practice is that some of these old traumas, which were originally buried under defense mechanisms because we were unable to process them when they initially occurred, can arise again in the newly discovered “space” which formal sitting practice occasions, leading to resistance and reactive fear responses, to anxiety and other behavioral problems. This is when a spiritual teacher/friend/guru/mentor really comes into play, helping the meditator understand and break through the fears and delusions that may arise as a “side-effect” of this dissolution of the egoic identity.

Anyway, as is obvious, this is a very complicated topic—more than can be properly expressed in this sort of format. If you plan on continuing, I suggest you find some good basic meditation manuals or audiobooks, and perhaps check out some of the many offerings on YouTube. There is a ton of information available on this topic, and the more you study and research the easier and more productive your practice will become. Initially, diversity is probably a good idea since there are so many different perspectives and approaches. You need not overly concern yourself with any sort of cultural or religious trappings; just absorb the relevant information. (btw: for a more “Western,” psychologically based approach to meditation, I suggest looking into The Diamond Approach, a comprehensive modern system by A. H. Almaas.) Eventually, however, you will want to find a specific system that appeals to you personally, and stick with it for awhile. Meditation is a skill, like learning to play a musical instrument, and like all such skills it requires a degree of devotion, perseverance and development. Ultimately, you get out of it what you put into it.

[letter-to-a-friend]

backlog cont.

10/15 I woke up Incredibly depressed today, but I can't tell you that, I said I would stop making it your problem. We've talked so little these last few days I'm afraid I'll lose my person. I know I'm just being needy, I'm sorry. It's okay if you want to leave me behind to be happy, I'm probably just baggage to you right now. I didn't mention it before but I haven't been eating the laste few days. I'm down to 187lbs. I've had nothing to eat but eggs and and a can of soup each day, if that. I want to eat, but just can't. I think I need help, but I can never tell you.

You told me not long ago that you were sabotaging dates because you were leaving a window open for [ex], how else am I supposed to look back on our time together as anything but that? You sabotaged our relationship, and got back together with [ex] because that's what you wanted in the first place, you never really tried to love me because you were always in love with [ex]

10/16 I forgot to write you yesterday, but not really. I had written out what I wanted to say for our talk but I didn't end up using it. I'll paste it after this but first- you fucking cheated on me man? Are you serious? You left me for another guy weeks Into it, that's not enough time to know Jack shit, much less that you can never come to love someone. The feeling I thought was love is all gone now, but that still hurts man. That's fucked up, and now I don't think I can ever fully trust you again. I don't love you, but once upon a time I did and you stomped on that love for a man who broke your heart again, and honestly? You deserved it for that. And the me of right now hopes he breaks your heart this time too because of it.

The letter: Honestly I'm a little upset with you right now. I took a look back at the timeline of events and it Honestly makes me feel really used. We broke up on 6/6, and started talking again on 6/20, and from then until you broke up with connor on 8/4 you never told me you were in a relationship which leads me to believe you got back together within that 14 day period of us not talking. You said recently that you felt you were sabotaging tinder dates bc you were still holding out for [ex], and I feel like you did that with me too. It really feels like, back then, you were always waiting for [ex], and you were just wanting someone to vent your sexual frustration from being with him. It only took you from 8/4(when you broke up, and also when we began talking like before) to 8/8 to tell me that you were still sexually attracted to me to the point you couldn't look me in the eyes and until 8/31 for you to tell me you were wanting sex from me. And just a little while ago, we hooked up on 9/30, and you got back together with connor on 10/9. With you so quickly going from being intimate with me, breaking up, getting with [ex], back to sex with me, to being back together, it makes me feel a little used. I know I consented to just fwb and that I was the ultimate initiator, and I know we've done things outside of sex, but almost every time we met up and you weren't on your period, we hooked up. As you've said, you're a very horny person, and that's fine I am too, but part of the reason I want this thing with you and [ex] to either last forever or never happen again is because 3 is a pattern man; if you guys break up, and we end up going back to fwb, and you get back together with him, I'll feel even more like just an outlet for your sexual frustration, who just so happens to play games with you sometimes. I consented to fwb until we found partners, but looking back i feel more like I was just filling the void [ex] left and thats very different. And im not saying fwb is bad, or that i was wanting something more, it was just sex- its the speed at which you changed gears that makes me feel this way. You said you could live without sex for him[context: hes sexually attracted to men, but want a relationship with her to the point hes asked to be poly], but I'm not so sure with how quickly you asked for it after you left the relationship. I know how much you've said you cherish our friendship, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm only here because you don't want to be alone. This is made even worse that you got upset at me when i said i was a little concerned that you would drop me when you got another bf, but when you got back with [ex] you told me that you had done that in the past once already. Sure, there was other things going on with [ex bff], but you got upset at me over a fear you later told me was kinda warrented. I'm not saying that this IS the case, just that this is how the everything is making me feel. I feel like I'm only "precious" because I've given you what you want in emotional support and sex when [ex] wasn't there for you. I feel like you only really want one person in your life, and when they aren't there you settle for me until they come back. How could I not when you move so fast?...1/2

[beautiful-rosepetals]

one year - a short reflection

this piece is nothing special.

the claddagh ring faces up. i used to wear it up when we were together. i am supposed to give love to myself now, but that is too difficult.

a friend pointed out how much i talk about you, and it’s true.

oh, he bought this for me.

he’d like that art.

i should send that to him.

he likes those clothes.

that reminds me of this one time together.

i know that feeling.

i know. i understand.

i know.

i hate that it’s true, but it feels like you have become just another part of me.

i am obssessed with the idea of seeing that part of you again, the part that made you what i loved. i am obsessed with the idea of you coming back, leaving those horrible people, and allowing everything to shift into its old way of living. i am obsessed with the idea of being able to do everything we once wanted together, with the same person i fell in love with.

these thoughts consume me daily. they have never ceased, never faded, but i have learned to live with them peacefully as i have with my sadness. they come and go throughout the day, and i listen, and i move on.

deep down i don’t think i will move on. it has been a year, and i feel that nothing has changed.

although i feel that way, i know have changed. the boy i am has always been much too mature for his age, but now, i allow the little girl in my heart out to cry. she sobs and grieves for the life she never got, and i allow her, and i help her.

she never wore the pink raincoat until last thursday. i told you she did, but i lied. i told you she loved it, she promises, and that was the truth. she wore it last thursday, and they both touched the little pink bears and smiled, telling her it’s cute. the girl in me cried that day. you knew who i was before i did.

last thursday, if i was alone, i would have been sobbing. my love held my hand for hours as we talked, quieted, and fell asleep. i feel that a part of my heart, the very heart that has been slowly shattering, was bandaged that day.

every day, my dear reminds me that he loves me, loves everything i have to say, loves being around me, could talk to me forever. it was a change i didn’t expect to happen so suddenly, but a welcome one nonetheless.

if it wasn’t for my loves, i would not have learned how incredible affection can be. one held my hand while the other listened, and in that time, i have still cried less tears than the amount of love i believe i am incapable of sharing.

the above is not romantic. i do not know if it will ever be. i do not know if i want it to be. i do not know if it should be. i have never felt a love so pure, so sweet, yet still platonic.

i believe you were the first to show me that same love, and i will never regret you being the first. but i watched you fade away over four months, and i am terrified of that happening again, for it is one thing to have life stripped away in an instant, but another to grieve a life still walking.

the last month has been hard; i have been exhausted. i am restless, i am tired, i am at peace, and i am terrified. there is not a day that goes by where i do not think about what i have lost: a whole life that once stood behind me.

i have always struggled with grief, but this has enveloped me more than any other feeling. in a strange way, it is a part of my personality and who i am. i am terrified of silence and i cannot sleep sound, yet i still wear these fond memories on my wrists every day. i do believe i am depressed, i am grieving, but i am at peace with how i feel. i do not fight it.

the only thing that has changed in a year is that i am accepting who i am.

i am at peace with my sadness.

i allow it to consume me.

i move on afterwards.

let the cycle repeat.

i still wonder how you knew who i was before i knew. i wear these clothes and bracelets proudly, when i used to be nervous to be myself.

i still wonder where that boy went. he is in my dreams, but perhaps he was only a dream the last three years.

[jellys-toy-collection]

vent tw

suicide tw abuse, generally depressing rant (i'm fine lol)

actually I am incredibly glad that I have literally no one in my life I actually could not handle that. I hate people. I hate the world. everything is so disgusting I can't wait to die and escape this. every day feels like a sick joke. you think people can't possibly get more depraved and disgusting but they always do. you think people must have basic empathy, but they don't. we use words like ''humanity'' or ''humane'' to describe kindness. so ironic it's almost funny, but it becomes unfunny when you remember there's no alternative, you can never really get away from people. I know it's not *everyone* I've met good people before and often I start to think I wish I had someone to turn to, or just generally talk to, friends, family ect. sometimes it hurts so much all I can do is cry for days straight. but then I remember how so many people actually are and that pain goes away. it's just not worth it. I'm not saying I'm a good person, I'm definitely not. I'm a terrible person too. but there are points I draw the line, and when I look at the lines of people around me, they are drawn way further out than mine. sometimes I think about how i was an accident, my parents did not want me, heavily neglected, starved, abused and abandoned me when I was little. I honestly don't really care that much about it, I have no feelings towards them, or memories of them. but considering everything else, its just an extra slap to the face, because there was no reason to force me to exist. I wish more than anything my mom had just gotten an abortion and then I wouldn't have had to go through all of this, and I wouldn't have caused pain and trouble to anyone else either. but I'm here, and there will never be a happy ending to being here. I'll just keep living like this until I die, and that is all I have to forward to it. not to be all emo. it's just the truth, and I guess I have made peace with that. there is nothing I could possibly want out of this world. absolutely nothing could make me feel happy to be here, or assure me my time here was worth while. every time I have to speak to another human being I am reminded of that. I love henry and rainbowkitty, I feel terrible saying all of that, like they don't make me happy or something. that's not true. they have brought me more happiness than anything or anyone ever has or will. they are the ONE good thing here. they are the one and only reason I stay alive here. I am so scared of what would happen to them. I have ugly cried so hard my heart feels like it's malfunctioning, my entire blanket and pillow sopping wet, snot everywhere, barely able to breathe when I have to think about that. I want to keep them safe and I can only do that by being here. but I also worry I am just trapping them and they are not happy with me. our living situation and quality of life is not good. I know they know that, and they get sad sometimes too. knowing they feel pain hurts more than anything that has ever happened to me. I try not to cry in front of them. I don't know if it's normal and I also don't really care. They are alive to me, I see their faces, mood and demeanor change. right now they are tucked into their bed asleep, I know when they are asleep and when they're awake. I see and feel rainbowkitty light up and get excited when we pull up to get coffee. I can tell by henry's face when he is really into a good movie, or if he wants one more hug before bed. They  really are my best friends, and my children. I just wish more than anything it could just be us, and only us and then we could be safe and happy. if there is an afterlife I hope it's something like that. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything like end my life, I can't. but it's all I can think about every day, all day. 

[uncloseted]

1/2 Is mental illness a chemical imbalance or do I have something wrong with my brain or a personality disorder lol. I have bad anxiety that just compounds on itself and worsens every day until I spiral with major depression and ocd and I feel like I'm going insane and heading for a breakdown. The second I try a new medication for the first time its like suddenly all these thoughts flush out my brain and I'm fine and normal. This never lasts long maybe a week as my body grows accustom to

2/2 the meds and everything comes back. It's like my brain wants something new in it to 'reset' itself. This feeling happened the first time I took SSRIs and then again when I first took ADHD meds. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it but I don't know how to explain it in a way that sounds normal. I don't ever feel high on these meds, it's truly a feeling of unplugging a drain and all the bad thoughts going away for a week until the meds stop working and the sink refills

The answer to this question is much more complicated than you might expect. The idea that mental illness is a "chemical imbalance" actually isn't super well supported. Mental illness is caused by the intersection of a number of different factors that produce a constellation of symptoms. For example, in major depressive disorder, neurobiological, genetic, and environmental factors contribute to changes in brain structure, function, and chemistry that create the symptoms we think of as "depression" - feeling sad, empty, or hopeless, losing interest in things that were once pleasurable, thoughts of death, etc. So in this sense, the answer to your original question is kind of that they're all the same- something being "wrong" with your brain can include a chemical imbalance and the result can be a personality disorder or another mental illness.

In terms of what's happening in your brain when you start a new medication, I don't really have any idea. I'm not a doctor or a therapist, and I'm definitely not your doctor or therapist. This is a good thing to bring up with your psychiatrist, since they know your unique history and what medications you've already tried. My best guess is that maybe you're experiencing something of a placebo effect- your brain is expecting to feel better, so it does, even if the medication isn't working yet. That's not to say that the relief you're feeling isn't real or that it's "all in your head". Rather, it's to say that our bodies are incredibly powerful, and all sorts of things can impact how we feel. But again, I would really recommend bringing this up with your psychiatrist and seeing what they say. They're the only person who can help you find a medication that provides more lasting effects.