#its hard to know when im missing something vs when the game is trying to tell me im not ready yet

[thedragonagelesbian]

beginning to be slightly worried that i irrevocably fucked up neve's personal quest.... i didnt realize the treviso vs minrathous decision point would trigger immediately after recruiting davrin, so i hadn't yet done her 'walk around chatting' quest and then it disappeared when she left the party & i haven't gotten any more personal quests from her since she's been back (up to the siege on weisshaupt) but idk to what extent that's due to being hardened or due to me not doing the first one

and i do love consequences and i do love this strained relationship that's developed between her & cyrus, because even though the circumstances were outside of his control his decision still hurt her and countless others, but i also. love her. and do not want to miss out on her content...............................................................

[zhe-awesome-me-blog]

Itoshi Rin and Sae: a story in three parts

alternatively: how having a brother complex can ruin your life (but it's mostly that you both just have terrible personalities)

So in the midst of the world cup finals last week, I remembered—in a frenzy or some state like it—of the existence of the edgy soccer manga Blue Lock. And so I read it. And it sure was edgy.

One of the things that stood out to me were the Itoshi brothers, Rin and Sae, and how most of their relationship, its highs and its lows, were predicated on Rin simply having the world's biggest brother complex.

By the way: general spoiler warning for the manga up until about the VS Japan U-20 match (around ch 147).

Prologue

Before we get any sense of backstory for them, we're introduced to the Itoshi brothers on different occasions.

In ch 4, we first meet Itoshi Sae, a genius soccer player who considered to be the best in Japan. The first impression we get of him is that he has a terrible personality. and a foul mouth. He has no interest in entertaining the media or giving any serious to interviews, and he does not hold back on his arrogant demeanor, though in his case, it's actually justified by his ridiculous skill.

Rin is introduced much later than his brother, during the second selection arc, and is someone who is also incredibly skilled. While most of his motivations seem shrouded in mystery, we know that Rin is self sufficient and dislikes to rely on others.

Oh and I guess there's also his deal with his brother.

oh yeah rin-chan seems weirdly more on edge at the mention of his brother? haha i'm sure this means nothing

Rising Action

In ch 123, the curtain is pulled back.

Itoshi Rin loves his brother very much, loved his brother very much; he admired him above all else, and strove to become just like him in the future.

Even as a little kid, Sae has had his terrible personality: he already tells his interviewers to eat shit and doesn't hold back his arrogant attitude. Most importantly, however, is how, above everything else, he hates to lose.

A young Sae takes it personally when Rin is the one to get the lucky ice cream. i'm with him on this one i would also try to justify myself too much when my brother would get the lucky items. curse him.

But those things don't mean much at this stage, where Rin and Sae stick with each other, as close as two coats of paint. Sae obviously dotes on his younger brother and treats him nicely, which contrasts with his demeanor with others. So when they both notice that Rin also has the skills in soccer, instead of being mad at Rin for intervening during his game, Sae proposes that he plays with him.

how heartwarming. im sure these siblings will keep their close relationship in the future haha

And so they do.

For the few years to come, the Itoshi brothers are an unbeatable striker duo. They share a dream: to become the best strikers in the world, with Sae as the number 1 and Rin as the number 2.

They're quite close, and have trust in each other's skill. When Sae comments negatively on Rin's play, it feels more like constructive criticism (and even playful banter), rather than insult.

Sidenote, it's interesting to compare the brothers' different approaches to playing soccer.

For Rin, he mostly relies on his instincts. It's something I may have not mentionned earlier, but one of the defining aspects of Rin is that he's a character defined by his incredible luck. It's present in the lucky ice cream he kept getting, in the fact that he was born as the younger brother to the talented Itoshi Sae, and of course, in his way of playing soccer.

a frustrated Isagi asks Rin what he's missing (ch86)

Sae, on the other hand, doesn't have as much luck. He keeps getting the wrong ice cream and he plays in a much more methodical manner: Sae actively works hard to reach his goal, while Rin allows himself to be caught along his brother's current.

dependency

Regardless, Sae eventually gets scouted for his skill and goes away to Madrid.

In the meantime, Rin keeps holding onto the dream, the promise, he had with Sae. Though, even when he works hard for his dream, he does so by playing as Sae's replacement, in order to catch up to his brother. All the while, he keeps holding onto the idealized version of his brother that he has in his head.

Turning Point

After four long years, Sae suddenly comes back and,

He's exhausted. Rin points out how he lost some weight, but Sae also has prominent eye bags, and his face is sunken. Most importantly, he lacks the vigor he had when he left Japan.

It's also important to point out that Sae had come back earlier than expected, yet his first thought was to go see his little brother and inform him of the change in his dream. Because to him, it's important that Rin knows this; because that mutual dream of theirs is what matters the most to them.

And so he tells Rin of his newfound realization and decision. The world out there is huge, and there are plenty of more talented players out there, even better than the unbeatable Itoshi Sae, as strikers.

So, Sae decides that he's now striving to become the number 1 midfielder in the world, instead of the best striker.

And Rin...

He takes the news very badly.

Because, to Rin, all he's hearing is that his unbeatable brother, the one who hates to lose above everything else, has resigned himself from his dream of becoming no 1 striker, simply because there are others that are better than him.

To Rin, his brother had basically admitted that he's not actually the best.

Understandibly, it shatters Rin, as well as his idealized and out-of-date image of his beloved, talented, cool, older brother. He can't bring himself to accept what Sae is saying, so instead, he aggressively rejects this "new" Sae in front of him, and he refuses to ackowledge him anymore.

The thing is, though, not much has actually changed.

His older brother is the same victory-loving, defeat-hating Sae as he was before he played in Madrid; he's still the same Sae who dotes on his younger brother and wants to see him grow; he's still the same Sae who wants to become the best soccer player in the world.

All that has changed is that he saw that he plays better as midfield, so he changed positions.

To Rin, it doesn't make sense that his unbeatable older brother would change this part of his dream. To him, the very fact that Sae altered his plan is the same as giving up. He's still childish and has an all-or-nothing mindset.

But Sae, who is a bit older and who has now experienced the world, doesn't understand why Rin is so upset. After all, he still wants to be number one, and he still wants his brother by his side.

Rin retaliates.

as a way to deal with their argument, sae challenges rin

Admitedly, the stakes of their 1v1 are ridiculous, but a part of Sae wants to keep on believing in this childish dream of them becoming the best strikers. After all, it's his talented younger brother. Maybe there is a chance.

But there is none.

And it's when Rin becomes so desperate that Sae finally loses his patience and tries to knock some sense back to him. Because Sae is exhausted at this point, and his younger brother is spouting childish things. Sae wanted him to realize that, sometimes, what you're best at may not be what you initially believed it to be: something which Rin seemed incapable of accepting.

admitedly, he's being very mean about it. I guess he finally got over giving rin nice treatment just for being his little brother

He gets angry at Rin. He tells Rin to quit, because to Sae, this dream he has is something that he's been actively working for and advancing in. Meanwhile, Rin tells him that he was his sole reason for playing all this time. And it's not enough, because it's such a fickle reason.

The world is large and there are so many better players out there, that such a lukewarm reason meant that Rin was never serious to begin with.

So now, it's Sae's turn to reject his brother.

Outcome

All that their interaction in the snow had showed Sae was that his brother was not actually serious about football, after all. And because he's not serious, because he's so lukewarm, Rin will never reach Sae's level.

The thing is, Rin does outsmart his brother in one critical instant, though neither one of them meaningfully acknowledge it

The main problem with Rin is, well, his huge brother complex.

Okay, well, more seriously, Rin's biggest problem is that he bases his self-worth on his brother. Even when they officially separate, Rin's motivation for playing football is still centered on Sae. Actually, I don't think you can say that his initial reason changed that much.

As easily as Rin could pretend it, he can't think that his beloved brother being nice when they were younger was all just a lie. Because it wasn't. So now he's mad at Sae for turning his life upside down and leading down this path.

He claims he wants revenge against his brother.

ch 125

Rin says that he wants to break Sae "into pieces" and that he wants to destroy his dream, but what is the dream that he's talking about? is it the one about being the number one player, regardless of position? Or is it just that Rin wants to go back to those days they were playing together?

I don't think even Rin himself knows entirely.

His reason for playing has always been Sae. It hasn't changed: it's always been his brother. And truth be told, all Rin really wants is to gain back the affection of his brother.

To come back to the Japan U-20 match, Rin says that he wants to be his own person, that he doesn't want to be defined by his relationship to others. But he also holds onto any bit of affection he may get from Sae.

So much for a guy who claims that he hates his brother.

He allows his hostile exterior to break a bit after the match against the Japan U-20 team. For God's sake, he's so hopeful and wide eyed that Sae finally, finally sees how far he's come. That he'd compliment him for the first time in a lifetime,

but no.

rip rin-chan I hope one day he actually compliments you

Epilogue?

Besides the fact that Rin's resentment towards Isagi has grown tenfold now that the latter managed to snatch a compliment from his brother, there isn't more that has been added to their relationship after their match.

Honestly, despite all this meta that I wrote,

I'm still not over the fact that Rin's mysterious and tragic deal was that he simply has the world's biggest brocon and heavily depends on his brother's approval and love.

[freebooter4ever]

Despite my continued stomach/digestive issues that is making it damn hard to eat, the increased exercise has almost entirely lifted my intense depressive episode and im almost feeling 'normal' again (which is definitely helping with this letter that im spending two days writing lmao). But i keep going back to that idea of people seeing me happy vs when i am truly 'happy'. For the past year that's mostly revolved around three things: 1) voluntering at the museum - usually interacting with guests, answering questions, getting to talk at length about this history i love, seeing guests get equally as excited and enthusiastic about the place as i do. 2) hockey. I know. This is still weird to me too that i ended up liking sports. But this summer i have definitely missed that vicarious high of watching things play out live good or bad. The charity games were cute and fun to watch but without the suspense and thrill of rooting for something with thousands of others at the same time it didn't quite cut it. On the other hand i've been using hockey as a carrot like 'i need to get a job so i can afford hockey tickets!' which is silly but its better than...imagining the painful reality of what will happen if i dont have a new job by this fall. I work better by thoughts of reward than under threat. If i do manage to land something soon i promise i'll end up in pittsburgh for a game at some point - that and visiting grandma are equal priority. 3) staring at geno's face and drawing or sculpting him. Im trying not to think too hard about this one.

And now another. 4) walking around the studio's manufacturing warehouse. I promised myself on sunday that i would play it cool, be professional, dont geek out over everything. I did not do that. I was grinning the entire time, i literally could not stop myself from smiling i was so excited. I think i said 'wow' and 'that's so cool!' a lot, too much maybe. At the end of the very in depth tour during which i asked so many questions i felt like a kid, the guy told me he was going to go back inside and 'work on some programming' before he left. And pushing my luck i was all 'i know with NDA stuff this might not be possible but could i just watch???'. And he tried to insist it would be boring but i promised him i absolutely would find it fascinating. Partially because i knew he wasn't talking about my kind of programming - scripted languages, machine code instruction - he was talking about some kind of interface programming. And sure enough he showed me the sine waves and explained a little how to generate them from data or how to create them from scratch, all as he was working on the model. And i was just sitting there enraptured.

so that was sunday. Supposed to be last tuesday, then moved to saturday, then finally sunday...but well worth the wait.

[dragmiire]

time for my current totk thoughts bcuz im like, halfway i think thru main story and got all the geogylph memories! BIG SPOILERS AHEAD.

i think there is SO MUCH missing and it is depressing! like. the memories aren't enough. what do you mean we're going from zelda being like 'im so saaad i don't know how to time magic :(' and then suddenly time magics a flying knife?? and then sonia DIES? it feels like there is an entirely different game going on with zelda's wacky time-travel hijinks that we're missing due to only seeing glimpses and it feels very empty. idk if they'll fill the gaps with dlc or if this was just an issue of them rushing a game that needed a few more years to cook or what.

i hate the imperialism. all i hear is 'hyrule is ok and good bcuz it is run by pure good-natured imperialists vs those EVIL brown imperialists from the desert who are trying to do the same thing but EVILER.' i went from trying to vibe with rauru to rapidly disliking him.

ganondorf has the personality of an evil piece of cardboard but he's also hot so i give him a pass.

zelda has the personality of a good piece of cardboard and i'll give her a pass only for depressing me by being a soulless dragon flying around.

i think there is something to say about how the gerudo are not actually part of the hylian kingdom. even though they're all like 'we stand with u imperialist hyrule we wuv u!!' there is a very strong distinction that they are not ruled by the hylian monarchy. like. ganondorf was evil and vile for pressing back against rauru and waging war and not allowing the gerudo to merge with hyrule, and yet the gerudo still chose not to become one with hyrule. they just seemed to foster positive relations while maintaining their own as a separate entity. but who knows! maybe the game will prove me wrong and i'll eat my hat in rage!

the sage cutscenes are bland and bad. once again, cannot tell if the choice of copying and pasting each cutscene was a result of bad writing or the game not being allowed to cook long enough.

the depths keep making me pee my pants and i hate them but like just in a personal i rly hate the dark kinda way.

honestly back to the sages but they're bland in general as well. they tried to recreate the champions of old without any of the personality and feeling of connection to them. i do not give a single heck or darn about these sages, they just sure do exist as a means of passing on a power to the current champs. i feel this just makes their existence soulless and that they were just designed to be tools of rauru/means of furthering the plot. very boring.

i've been kinda irritated that a lot of npcs don't remember you. key ones do, like story-quest npcs, but like characters i've saved countless times in botw are like 'who r u'. and then characters are still SO surprised link is the heroic swordsman when it seems like this news otherwise traveled very quickly. i swing rapidly from delighted that npcs remember me and irritated when they don't, making it feel like botw didn't exist.

speaking of botw not existing. i get its because they wanna focus on zonai/avoid bogging the game down with more assets, but the lack of sheikah/guardian tech is really irritating. it's like everybody forgot about it. you cannot tell me they magically purged ALL of hyrule of any remnants of the guardian tech. also i know it is deranged to say it but i lowkey miss the panic of being chased down by guardians. it added a spice to the overworld.

overall... i just think botw is the better game?? which is not surprising, its hard for a sequel to surpass its predecessor, but i think they focused too much on new gimmicks and once again neglected the story, which is what i RLY care about. so once again i'm more invested in completing my funny lil side missions and leaving dragon zelda to rot in the skies.

[ghooostbaby]

amazing additions thank you!!!

@biboomerangboi #I’m living for him and his platonic spy wives#also because you mentioned Yinxuan I think it’s so funny that we have actually spy ringleader in charge of spys vs spymaster but its clones#but also the fun implications#That Yin Yu who is loved by his wives must be ultimate playboy ever and got amazing skills and game#AND JEALOUSY#because for funsies He Xuan can’t get any details Hua Cheng doesn’t want him to have cause the wives are that good#So HC is just letting HX think that Yin Yu is choosing all these beautiful woman all the time and it’s his choice not a gambling thing#so he is pacing and seething and has tried to plant a clone in the harem before for seducing plan but YY figured it out and banned him#missing the seducing was the point not spying#HC is watching this like it’s greys anatomy#i love everything about this

so truuue i didn't even think of that connection with yin yu surrounded by his spy wives and he xuan as the spymaster!! as he xuan is already known for using a female form undercover he could easily try to insert himself as another wife!! it would be so funny and cute if he's just trying to do that to get in with yin yu but yin yu and his wives everytime are like 'eject the intruder!!' how apt that the only one he xuan's chameleon nature can't fool is yin yu (the one no one notices ^.^).. meanwhile yin yu is like how can i get he xuan to notice me?! (maybe he doesn't know exactly that the intruder is he xuan for that last part to work...)

@good-vs-evo #im imagining them all having similar masks to yin yu too but like w slightly different variations to differenciate btwn them#BRO???? why is everyone on tumbr cooking so hard#i love scary women too like i bet they could more than handle themselves#but also fuck w them and get ready for the waning moon officer himself to pull up on ur doorstep#THATS SO CUTE TOO the bad advice??? like yin yu just sitting in the center of a circle of really cool badass women like ‘sooo.. theres this#guy’ and theyre like ‘WE GOT U!!!’ (they do not got him)#some time later we get yinxuan together and he xuan is like u were rlly strange when we first started talking and yin yu’s like ahahaha…#tgcf#yin yu#waning moon brides

hahaha '(they do not got him)' damn i don't even write fan fiction but i really want to write a fan fiction of yin yu trying to pursue he xuan w very silly advice from the wives and hua cheng and maybe some ghost city residents while we're at it ... maybe if yin yu is following hua cheng's advice especially depending on if this is pre or post-finding xie lian again it would be something like devote several centuries to accumulating as much knowledge, skills, and treasures you can and then you can finally go and shower him with them, or alternatively just show up at their place and start doing chores while looking cute (honestly not a bad way to go at all)... perhaps since he xuan knows hua cheng quite well when yin yu starts with his hua cheng-inspired seduction plan he xuan can recognize the signs and is kind of bemused to realize what is happening when yin yu shows up at his lair and starts tidying ... maybe if it was post xie lian, xie lian would get involved and suggest something sensible like inviting he xuan to dinner and talking to him, so for the shennanigans version it would have to be when all of them have been single all their lives and are just feeling around in the dark together (he xuan is the only one who has had a romantic relationship before and is just like ... wat is happening)

HI

inspired by reading this post by @biboomerangboi considering how hua cheng was going to deal with the (almost) gambled daughter in the gamblers den scene if lang qianqiu hadn't interfered: "Option 2) She has to work in Ghost City for 20 years and is married to Yin Yu in name only (because Hua Cheng can’t have a wife at all or he won’t win Gege) then gets pleasantly divorced and giving a severance payment after 20 years."

ok!!!!! hua cheng's sneaky operation to liberate the daughters of shitty men who use them as collateral (? i'm sorry i don't know gambling terminology) in the gamblers den by making them yin yu's tribute wives!! yin yu has a platonic harem of mysterious women given full freedom to pursue any and every interest they want, go where they want, for their time in the harem, fully resourced by hua chengzhu.

the first time something like this happened hua cheng was like hmmmm how am i gonna get out of this one to fuck this guy over and protect his daughter...

*a few hours later* yin yu receiving a message that he was now married like 'hua chengzhu?!??!!' but the system works (and yin yu finds his wives pretty helpful with his work) and they keep adding wives

i'm picturing a troupe of mysterious, cloaked and masked figures gliding through the city as the ghosts quiet as they pass and clear a path for them to go on whatever their business is, either performing a task for the waning moon officer or their own secret affairs.

perhaps called "the waning moon brides" ... they're kind of like a closed sect or secret society or initiation cult or girl gang XD of talented, interesting, intelligent, mysterious women who are free to spend their time following whatever passions they want, roam around the city or go travelling. they can go to yin yu if they need something, or to help him with any tasks he needs done.

and because i'm a yinxuan shipper and can't help it... yin yu goes to them for advice after he sees he xuan's blackwater form for the first time and decides to set out to seduce him. (probably most of them don't know what they're doing either and give him terrible advice)

[majimemegoro]

But what if... Okudera and Nishida were to fight?

oh man, what an interesting question! its a bit hard for me to think about this in general, especially because i see both mr okudera and nishida as reluctant goal-oriented fighters, who only fight for some specific purpose, and also as being resourceful, very ruthless and even willing to fight dirty when they make their mind up. so if we're deciding purely based off skill, i feel like it could go drastically either way depending on the circumstance. like if okudera decides nishida is a true threat to the villagers or something? okdera could just lull nishida into a false sense of security and cut his throat in his sleep! or snipe him as hes walking down the road! mr okudera has the moral capacity to do that! and nishida isnt above hitting an old man in the head with a pipe when his back is turned. I do think nishida is stronger and has youth on his side, but mr okudera's fighting style is probably a lot more finessed and professional. so instead of arguing the logistics at length, ill just spin a yarn for you about one possible circumstance under which nishida vs okudera boss fight could occur in-game, and what would happen there.

when does nishida fight? usually just a) for self defense, b) to protect someone, or c) if majima orders him to. mr okudera isnt the type to do a preemptive strike, so lets say that nishida is attacking on majimas orders.

when does mr okudera fight? usually just a) for self defense, or b) to protect someone. so im imagining a scenario in which majima is trying to track down saejima, who is missing, in order to help him. so he sends nishida around to try and track saejima down, with the orders that if nishida runs into anyone who even seems like they might have info on saejima but they wont share it, nishida should beat it out of them with extreme prejudice! and nishida follows orders.

So. they think saejima may be in hokkaido or something so nishida SOMEHOW encounters mr okudera and is like 'im looking for this guy, do you recognize him? have you seen him recently' and mr okudera lies like a champ. hes either currently taking care of saejima/hiding him, or genuinely hasnt seen him for awhile, but even though nishida is polite and nonthreatening enough, okudera knows that when some guy comes around asking if you recognize someone, its Bad News. (hes been the asker often enough to know that!). so mr okudera is like no ive never seen that man. get out of my town.

and nishida believes him bc mr okudera is a Perfect Liar, BUT. nishida is also very thorough at his job and he asks another villager whos like "Sure! the guy in the photo was here a few years back, he stayed with okudera-san! :)"

and then nishida knows that okudera lied. which makes okudera A Suspect. and nishida knows he has to get to the bottom of this. so he goes back to mr okudera (who considers sniping him on the way over, but decides againsst it, bc he has to be SURE if hes going to kill someone!) and nishida is like I know this man stayed with you. now where is he. tell me what you know or else.

and okudera sneers and hes like youll get to him over my dead body. and then he whips out his nagasa and he lunges.

(actually i just decided that this is from my Majima Family spinoff game, so Nishida is the player character here and Okudera is the boss)

Dynamic intro! mr okudera slashes forward with the knife. nishida, making a very shocked expression, barely manages to reel backward out of range. hes on the defensive, cauhgt off-guard. Title card: OKUDERA. matagi hunter. the okudera boss theme is inspired by hokkaido folk music plus regular video game techno and its epic.

mr okuderas fighting style is very economical. hes using the knife but theres no knife play, nothing flashy, no spins, just deadly precision. he fights like hes trying to kill you lol. also good at dodging blows. nishida auto equips a bat or can used improvised weaponry. mr okudera has two health bars (one regular, the other from having so much practice recovering from deadly bear attacks). mr okudera has a QTE thats a series of knife slashes, or something dirty like kicking snow in nishida’s eyes.

when you get mr okudera's health to zero! cutscene. nishida and okudera back away from one another, still in fighting stances, both breathing hard. nishida adjusts his grip on his bat.

nishida: I'm finding it a little hard to believe you're just a regular old man from a remote hunting village.

okudera: why do you want to find saejima?

nishida: my boss is looking for him.

okudera: you yakuza thugs are all the same. you'll follow your orders into a moral abyss. but no matter. I'll protect saejima to my dying breath.

nishida: ... Protect?

sigh. rgg characters are always getting into boss fights based off a misunderstanding.

[wistfulwatcher]

Hello I saw your tag on that "im 25 and dying post" please tell us how it got better for you. Im 26, still living with parents, currently having a fight with my boyfriend, and i still have a year until I get my bachelors. The comparison to everyone younger than me is killing me.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling, but I hope you can take some solace in the fact that that post has a lot of notes and you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way you do! I can certainly try and share my experience, but unfortunately I think the biggest factor is just time (and like, a buttload of self-reflection).

I moved back home after college and worked full time at an administrative job I was doing during school breaks. I majored in psychology and anthropology in college, and was planning to eventually go into forensic psychology, but wasn't interested in going straight into grad school. So I did that administrative job for about a year, and tried to find something that was a bit more stable and at least semi-related to my field. I did end up finding a new job when I was 23 - stable, semi-related to my field (a psych/research background was required), and decent pay (especially as I was still living at home). Exactly what I needed, since I still wasn't ready to start looking into grad school.

I was doing pretty well, until I started getting comfortable at that job, and then I started getting hit with the "I'm not doing enough," and "I need to look into grad school," and "will I ever find a boyfriend?" (friendly reminder that 23-year-old me thought she was straight, yikes), "how will I afford to move out, I have to save my money and do it soon!", "I'm not doing anything but watching TV, I'm wasting my life," "I'm lonely, but I'm too tired to try and make friends," etc., etc.

But it wasn't constant. I'd have a flurry of those questions and fears, and then days where I was just living life and doing my job and taking care of my dogs, without any of that. And I don't think I felt good or particularly comfortable those days, it was more like I just wasn't actively thinking about it, like when you feel "good" after a physical pain goes away and you're just normal.

Eventually, I started thinking about all of these concerns I had, and the fact that it felt like it was URGENT whenever I thought about them. It felt like I needed to get my shit together immediately. I also started to acknowledge that there was this big sense of guilt around those concerns; I was too old to be living at home, I was too old to be single, I was too old not to be starting a career. I felt like I was wasting my life (cue the guilt), and I realized that part of why I felt like I was wasting it was that I felt like I was missing milestones I wouldn't be able to do at a later time because the older I was past "normal" the more humiliating it would be to try (cue the shame and embarrassment, hard).

I also started to doubt that I wanted to go into forensic psychology. More importantly, I started to seriously doubt that I wanted a "career" at all. My job (as I kept that same semi-related to my field one) was absolutely a job, not a career. And I think this was a huge tipping point for me, because a career had always been a given in my life. I'm passionate about what I'm interested in, so it literally just never occurred to me that I would be content with a job. I also started acknowledging that I had some messed up associations about being content with a job meaning that I was lazy (because the only way to be ambitious is with a career and, more damaging, a lack of ambition is fundamentally bad).

Now, I need to clarify that all of the above occurred over the course of years. I was constantly seeing "friends" (i.e., of the facebook variety) go to grad school, start careers, get married, buy homes, etc. And with all of that alongside the entire mess I've outlined in the above paragraphs, it was really, really, tough. It gets hard to find a foothold in better thinking, I believe, when seeing all of these people (some younger) doing things "right" was really just compounding my guilt and shame. (I feel like it's worth mentioning, too, that I was always "an individual" growing up, march-to-the-beat-of-my-own-drummer, yada yada. I feel like that's worth pointing out for others who may be in the same boat, because I think it can lead to another layer of shame in comparing yourself to those around you - especially if it's a big part of your identity that you DON'T do that, because I think it's inevitable as you get older, and you're looking to reach these milestones that prove you're an adult.)

So, here I am, acknowledging that I feel guilt and shame about what I'm not doing. And suddenly I ask myself my first really important question: Do I want a career? The question hot on its heels is: Do I want to go to grad school? Honestly, my answer is no. There is nothing in me that's excited by the prospect. But what, does that mean I'm just going to work my job for the rest of my life? How is giving up going to make me feel better about Not Doing Enough?

As I'm opening this door (remember, years), three things happen: 1) I realize I'm gay, 2) I watch Dirty 30, 3) I start playing D&D.

First, realizing I'm gay. Woohoo! Not only was this exciting because girls are amazing, but it made me seriously look at myself. Realizing I had spent 25 years assuming one thing about myself that turned out to be completely wrong made me question everything for a while. I started to ask myself, "Do I really like this?" more often, which seems like a really obvious question, but I'm not convinced that it's one people ask themselves consciously all that often. But once I did, I realized how freeing it was to answer, "No," and move on to something I did like.

Second, I watched Dirty 30, the Grace Helbig/Mamrie Hart/Hannah Hart movie. It feels dramatic to say that it changed my life, but the older I get the more I honestly think it did. Mamrie Hart's character is a dental hygienist who is freaking out about turning 30 and feeling very much like that text post I reblogged. But (spoilers), at the end of the movie, she decides that she loves her job (job, not career!) because it's comfortable and she has fun at work, and that it makes her happy. She has other things going on, but the idea that a character in a film is content with her job and choosing to "settle" into her life as-is and she's genuinely happy about it? I honestly can't think of a single other time I've seen that happen on-screen. I still think about that ending very often. And after seeing it, I started to ask myself another question regularly: "Am I happy?" Again, this feels pretty obvious, but I think there is something incredibly empowering about making sure you are happy on a regular basis, instead of just assuming that you're fine until something hurts.

Third, I started playing D&D. This is not a plug for D&D! (Well, maybe a little.) One thing that happened to me when I started to get into the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion mess of my mid-20s was that I got very much into a routine of go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep, be totally brain-dead on the weekend, repeat. I found it very difficult to feel creative because I was just wiped, and as all of my creative outlets (gifs, fanfic) are self-motivated, it was really easy to brush them off. I ended up starting Critical Role (this is also not a plug for CR! well, maybe), and I wanted to give D&D a try myself. (I was VERY lucky - my best friend happened to be listening to the Adventure Zone at the same time I started CR, and she wanted to try to run a game. The stars truly aligned!)

I started playing, then DMing, and found that it was a great fit for my interests. I used to be a theatre kid, and I was getting to act again (something I didn't realize I was missing). I was getting to build and flesh out characters, which is what I love the most about writing fanfic. I was also discovering that I was stretching myself - world building and plot had never been my strong suit, but as a DM it became the majority of my creative effort. It gave me soft deadlines with people I didn't want to let down, and it made me truly social again for the first time since college. Essentially, it was filling in all of the gaps of what I felt lacking in my life. This isn't a D&D plug because it wasn't D&D specifically, but rather a hobby that satisfied what was missing in my life. For example, I didn't realize how isolated I was before D&D until I had regular interactions with friends, and that isolation absolutely made the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion worse.

D&D gave me that final push to realize that I was OK with having a job and being passionate about hobbies instead of trying to fit myself into a career, because I was getting out of that hobby what I had been convinced I would get out of a career. I started to really value that I could punch out and go have fun doing exactly what I wanted to do. (It feels so obvious as I type this, but it took me a long time to get here! Sometimes it really is that simple!)

The above is specific to my job vs. career struggle which may not be in the mix of things you're struggling with. But what I do think is universal/can be your take away, is that sometimes you just have to actively choose to let go of the pressure to be doing things. Which, I know, sounds so much easier than it is (and part of why I think it just takes time/is part of growing older). But I think it's something that can be worked at over time, by checking in with yourself about what you feel, why you feel it, and what you need to make yourself feel better in the present.

It's been 6 years since I started that semi-related job, and I'm still there. I still live with my mom. I'm still single. My circumstances have not changed since 24, but honestly? I'm OK. When I check in with myself about it, I do enjoy living with my mom and our dogs (even though I'm 30 and "real" adults move out). I am happy more often than I'm not (much more, actually!). I have a job that allows me to be done after 8 hours, and I have hobbies I look forward to doing each night (and the energy to do them, most of the time). My weekends are free to play D&D with my friends and laugh until I cry. That is what I've worked out as my definition of what I want life to be right now. You'll notice it includes none of the "milestones" that those younger than me have hit.

As I noted on that text post tag, I still struggle with this. I definitely have days where I think, I'm a mess, I'm not DOING anything. It's hard. But time does help, those days become fewer and farther between.

I know that was probably a hundred times longer than you wanted it to be, but I did want to illustrate just how much of a process it is. It takes time. My summary advice is to check in with yourself often, be honest about what you want and what you need, do not let anyone else define where you "should" be. And if you aren't living life how you want to be, identify what you can do (however small) to make yourself feel like you're getting closer.

[spyoikawa]

Peonies for Goshiki Tsutomu, you can write the confession however you please.

@2-player-game yay, another new character! Thank you for this request!

Also, I would figure people would know this seeing its goshiki, but just in case, ⚠️spoiler warning for the karasuno vs shiratorizawa game⚠️

Rion's Flower Shop: Peonies

(Goshiki Tsutomu)

♡romantic♡

Goshiki was REALLY clueless when it came to having a crush. And it didn't help that all his senpais had different ideas on how to woo a person.

"Do it in the spring with cherry blossoms, I see that in manga a lot!" -tendou

"Try writing a song or poem, thats something they can treasure forever, and its made just for them" -semi

"Just tell them, the worst that can happen is a rejection" -shirabu

He wasn't sure who's advice to take, so he ended up pushing it away for a while. He had to focus more on his volleyball matches anyways.

But thats harder to do than he thought, seeing how you never failed to miss a match.

Everytime he looked up, he could see you in the audience, watching the match as intently as possible. And if he was completely honest with himself, thats where it started. When he sees you watching the ball, and the players, and the court with a passion and support for your school.

And it was after one of these games, that goshiki spoke to you for the first time. Or rather, you spoke to him.

"Hey!" You piped up, "Goshiki!"

He nearly dropped all his stuff right then and there, and it took everything the team had not to laugh at him.

"Y/N! I mean- y/n, did you need something?" He stammered out

You grinned, happy to see he was willing to talk with you. "Yeah! I just wanted to let you know, you did great back there! The line-shot was incredible, and you looked so confident, like you knew you were gonna hit it no matter what! It was amazing!"

*goshiki.exe has stopped working*

Well what does he say now?! His crush is right in front of him, and they just complimented his play-

"You could be the ace someday!" You interrupted his thoughts.

That's it. Nope. Goshiki was a goner.

"Give me one second" he silently said to you, before whipping around, dragging his teammates around the corner. Everyone was a little confused at this.

"Um... goshiki...? You alright there?" Semi asked, "you look pale and red at the same time, I dont think that's norma-"

"WHAT DO I DO" he cut through his senpai's sentence, "I dont know what to do- I mean I know I could just tell them, but that seems to basic doesn't it?"

Shirabu rolled his eyes at this, "dude. Just do it. Or don't, if you dont feel like doing it, then say 'thanks for the compliment yada yada' move on and leave, not that hard"

Goshiki sucked in a breath, knowing he was right. "Okok, I got this"

He walked around the corner, facing you again.

You tilted your head a bit, "you ok? You look pale and red at the same time? You don't have a fever right?"

*cue muffled laughter of tendou and semi*

"I'm 100% a-ok, I am good, thank you for the compliment, and thank you for coming to our games, have a good day" he stated before walking away, leaving you to stare in confusion.

And now comes the hardest part for the both of you. The avoidance.

He really didn't want to go through that experience again, speaking to you, he felt like his heart would leap out of his throat and he doesn't want to be caught like that.

His solution? Don't speak to you for months. It was rough, seeing you enjoyed chatting with him about random things and volleyball. And it was rough on him to have to avoid you, simply because he didn't know how to handle this sort of thing. And he went all out to make sure you didn't cross paths. He would do a full 180 in the hallways, even if he was talking with someone else or his class was in the other direction, after practice he would clean up at speeds that freaked out the team, and did his extra practice someplace else, knowing that you come to the gym after school.

Time passed, and soon came the next game, against karasuno.

It was rough on everyone, the team fought so hard, only to be swept down by the new team who came to the top out of nowhere. It was crushing to everyone, the 3rd years played their last game and they were so confident in winning.

Goshiki was by himself, packing his stuff before you came up behind him.

"Goshiki?" You quietly asked.

He jumped slightly at this, and panic flooded his senses when he realized you were here.

"Y/n- what are you doing here? The game ended ages ago, why didn't you go already?"

He was nervous, but he'd be damned if he showed it.

"I wanted to speak with you," you started, "I'm really sorry about the game, I know you were excited and ready for it"

He sucked in a breath, not ready for the pep talk that would allow the fact that they lost to really settle in.

You continued, not noticing, "and the thing is, you did your absolute best, so it doesn't matter! Because I know that despite the outcome of the game, you are the better volleyball player, and- wait are you ok?"

You had paused when you realized he was looking up at you. And before you knew it, he was hugging you.

"Please stop," he barely whispered, "please don't say that. Just let me have this and it can be said without you speaking"

You loosened your body, releasing the initial tension that took you when he embraced you.

"Right sorry, I'll be quiet now" you whispered.

After what felt like ages, he released you and wordlessly gathered his stuff. You walked beside him in comple silence to the bus stop.

"Hey... ive gathered my thoughts now" he mumbled, voice raw from the earlier game, where he had used so much breath and yelling.

You looked up in curiosity, "what are you talking about?"

He inhaled sharply.

"Im sorry for avoiding you for a while, and I'm sorry for telling you to stop talking earlier. I was upset. I was so focused on volleyball and what would happen, but the season's over now. So I guess I can say it now"

The bus he would take pulled up, interrupting him for a second, opening the door.

"I like you, and I wasn't sure what to do"

And with that he pecked you on the cheek, and walked into the bus without another word. Leaving you stunned.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

*across the road*

"👁👄👁"

"👁👄👁"

"👁👄👁"

"😐"

"D-did he really just do that?" Tendou stammered out in confusion.

"I guess so...?!" Semi's eyes were wide open, watching your shocked figure, still frozen at the stop after the bus had left.

"At least he did it. Horribly. But he did it" Shirabu sighed, "what do you think senpai?"

Ushijima looked over, realizing he was being addressed, before shrugging.

"Im glad he did what I told him to do" he stated simply before walking away.

"WHAT-"

I'm sorry if this was bad, I'm really not familiar with goshiki, but it was still fun to write! If you want me to try again, let me know and I will fix it!

God I really feel like I messed up sorry-

But still, thank you again for the request, it let's me try new things! And to those of you who aren't aware, this is a part of my event, so go check it out please!

[callaxe]

hi im sorry for the long post i've been thinking about kiribaku platonic bromance

my fave headcanon ever is that (dismissing katsu's canon cute ugly ass hyena giggles) is that his genuine laugh is.. so fucking loud and contagious

like. like people who actually go 'AAHAHHHAHAHAH' and it sounds so warm??? DOES THAT MAKE SENSE???

his friends hear him laugh once to some stupid joke and they all end up giggling

so like

he and kiri, best buds, as you do, have their own stupid inside jokes and literally no one gets them even with context

like one day kiri in class goes 'toilet seat so hot with soup' and katsuki crumbles to the ground choking and laughing so hard he starts screaming bc his ribs hurt

kiri's ofc, wheezing along

like they'll be joking around and laughing during lunch, literally out of breath and katsuki's obviously trying to add something but his face is way too red and he keeps giggling like his life depends on it

he manages to get one single word out and kiri nearly dents the table from slapping it too hard and his stomach is cramping from laughing so much

JUST GOOD VIBES YANNO?

and one night when katsuki woke up from a particularly bad nightmare kiri brought him downstairs and played swing dance tutorials on his phone till 4am and they only stopped once they could actually dance correctly

on the days that kirishima feels bad about his hair/his roots, katsuki will steal a flashy leopard print headband from mina or use his hero mask to push his hair back so kiri doesn't feel.. as alone? homeboy's trying, and kiri appreciates it

and he knows that kiri misses his family lots and gets p home sick bc ua doesn't leave much time to visit anyone, so katsuki lets kiri be extra touchy with him and tries his best to initiate it too- walking arnd town and katsuki gets needy so he pulls at kiri's hair until he lets him sit on his shoulders, or when they're just standing in gym class waiting for instructions katsuki will lean an arm against him

he goes with kiri to the store for hair dye and helps him dye it, in the afternoon they'll be sitting in the common room and kiri fell asleep his head on katsuki's lap, who was playing with his hair and making it his personal mission to turn it into the ugliest, most tangled bird's nest ever bc he's still a brat

days where trauma isn't so kind to him, katsuki gets dragged in the middle of the common room or a hallway and kiri forces him to salsa dance together, even if shark boy's kind of carrying (most of) his dead weight, practically half asleep dozing off on his shoulder and kiri wakes him up again by spinning him

okokoakot

take kami and kiri's bro dynamic and apply it to them here

kiri calls everyone bro, its natural but when he n katsuki gets closer, kiri goes "my bro my dearest bro" n "my loveliest of bros... my best bro" and katsuki's "???"

until he just goes with it bc kiri refuses to let up and elaborate

it gets to the point where kiri will be laying on mina's floor whining about how his buddy left him behind, travelling the world by himself

"ei, bakugou's intership isn't even an hour away from here"

"WHAT MATTERS MOST IS THAT MY BRO'S NOT WITH ME RIGHT NOW, MINA"

they reunite, katsuki's not even halfway through the door before kiri tackles him to the ground

just fuckin

glomps him

kiri: MY BRO!!!! OH HOW I'VE MISSED YOU

katsuki: hello brother

kiri: ...what happened

katsuki: i am a changed man

OK SO WAIT. GOING BACK TO SALSA DANCING

in common room

the times where katsuki is actually awake and has a brink of energy, he and kiri will fight over who gets to lead the dance

while. dancing

there was no discussion or hint beforehand

so it's just a mess of pulling at each other's arms, knocking their shins into tables and chairs, tripping over each other's feet and crashing to the floor and getting bruised all over because they're dumb

they start singing some festive spanish song sero taught them with the grace and voice of a pair of war grizzled drunkies, cackling and laughing and their voices crack at every verse

second year kiri pulls a stupid stunt and ends up in the hospital bc he like, nearly actually died

katsuki isn't even that worried, he's the one who dared the guy to jump off tokyo tower and try to land in the pool of the hotel beside it (they underestimated the distance, kiri landed in the fucking street)

he's on his phone in the waiting room with mina and kami nervously fidgeting

kami looks at him and goes "do you not feel bad? it's kind of your fault that he jumped in the first place"

katsuki doesn't even look at him, "my main bro's fucking dead, i'm more concerned with finding a replacement right now"

while they wait for kiri to get out of surgery, katsuki writes up an application form for broship and puts it on twitter; sero replies and they "hook up"

when kiri wakes up, mina and kami are fretting over him and sero finally arrived, but he shrugs them off and immediately goes for katsuki's throat

"so what am i, your side bro now?!"

"sorry you had to find out this way" katsuki is leaning back against sero

kiri is heart-broken, "i thought we had a bond, you and i!"

"...i was gonna show up to your funeral?"

"were you not planning ON GOING BEFORE?"

when they get back to the dorms kiri gives him the cold shoulder for a week before he comes back crawling to katsuki

(by then, he and sero "broke up")

but don't be fooled,

this tokyo tower dumbassery somehow brought them even closer

somehow

don't ask

kiri is the first person katsuki says "trans" to

katsuki is the first person kiri says "gay" to

of COURSE they cuddle, once katsuki warms up to him and his over affectionate touchy-feely bullshit, kiri just loves picking up his bro and carrying him anywhere

swaddling him into a blanket burrito and knocking him off the couch

hiding under his arm during a class horror movie night

sharing a bed when katsuki can't handle being alone in his room at night

viciously criticizing and tearing down the atla movie and being pressed together because there's barely any room, playing a game of footsie bc their legs are tangled to hell and back but the game turns dangerous

(also when they learn that katsuki can, in fact, make explosions from his fucking feet, kiri has a nice scar on his calf that oddly looks like half of a foot and 3 toes seared into his flesh)

(yes, he's bitter)

turns out, katsuki can aslo be a soft affectionate touchy-feely bullshitting asshole when he wants to be, but these days it's mostly out of spite

when the squad starts calling him dad (with the exception of kiri), katsuki goes over and pats everyone's heads when he wants to, and also because he enjoys seeing them freak out by the blatant display of affection

he does little things like letting mina and kami cozy up to him during movie nights or when they go out in town during winter, and lets sero peer over his shoulder to look at what he's cooking and rub his head between katsuki's shoulderblades like a damn cat before walking away like nothing happened

katsuki's used to it, the rest of the class is mystified

one day, common room again, bksquad is playing mario kart vs the izucrew, katsuki's sitting on the couch with kiri on the floor between his legs, letting his hair be played with and braided

then he stands up and announces he's going to bed, out of habit (when did this become a habit, the class thinks) katsuki reaches up and drags kiri's face down so he can.. kiss the top of his head? kiri just smiles and calls out a goodnight and leaves as if, nothing happened

mina asks "what was THAT"

katsuki just settles back down, opens his phone and stares her straight in the eyes "homies kiss each other goodnight if they're not a coward"

that's it that's the post i'll be back with more

[ectonurites]

for the character headcannons ask game, jason and cass?

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT im putting this one under a cut because it got SUPER long bc i cant shut up ever

lets start w jason

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok using the ‘realistic’ category here loosely but GOD i love the idea of Damian & Jason having interacted while Jason was staying with the League before getting dunked in the Lazarus Pit. like. this obviously would need to be set more in preboot and following the Lost Days & Batman Annual 25 version of Jason’s resurrection, but god the idea of it just makes me scream in a good way. Like... these are things Jason likely doesn’t remember very clearly once he’s brought back to life more fully by the pit because he was uh pretty catatonic, but Damian being a little kid and knowing about the boy that his mother keeps around the base, that she’s trying to help bring back to health. Damian not even knowing that’s his big brother, just that he’s a presence that shares his mother’s attention. Jason again being unresponsive but like, ok god you know that part of lost days where Talia shows the others observing him that he only fights back at those he perceives as genuine threats trying to hurt him, 

Because Jason can perceive that she’s safe, she’s not actually trying to hurt him, he trusts her because she saved him? thinking about lil child Damian who is ya know already being trained in fighting stuff and like the idea of him trying to provoke Jason just to see what happens but Jason not fighting back because on some level be it his connection to Talia or even little baby Damian visually reminding him of Bruce, he knows that Damian is safe too 🥺 

and then when Jason and Damian meet again in Gotham as Red Hood & Robin respectively, Jason not really remembering because there was so much going on back then for him, but Damian realizing that oh... that was Him

B (hilarious): 

alright so if we are looking at comics currently, in modern stuff jason is what, like 22? hes old enough to drink in the US but still definitely early 20s so around my around my age, thats what im using as a basis here. if we adjust timeline and still consider his death having happened when he was 15, that puts it around 2013. and then coming back to like interacting with people about three years later if we still kinda base things off of the preboot timeframe (since we never got a super solid retelling of the timeline of death -> resurrection -> training -> tries to get revenge aside from knowing he went to the all-caste instead of the lost days version of the story) making him reenter the regular world and stuff around age 18 in 2016. meaning a solid three years of pop culture that he was entirely missing, and like im sorry but he really doesn’t strike me as the type to bother looking into what he missed, he’s kinda busy focusing on other stuff. lets take a quick look at some major things from those years. 2013 gave us ‘what does the fox say’ and ‘the harlem shake’ . 2014 had that time U2 just put a fuckin album on everyone’s phones, The Fault In Our Stars movie came out. 2015 introduced the phrase ‘Netflix and Chill’ and the whole blue & black vs gold & white dress debate happened. imagine any of the other batkids (or even arguably roy during rhato stuff) bringing these things up and jason’s ensuing confusion. thank you for your time

C (heart-crushing): 

so. there are two specific instances from rebirth era Jason i want to bring up here and much like a lot of these it’s less a headcanon and more of an inference based on observations, but i wanna take a sec to discuss Jason’s relationship with other people’s death. early in rebirth, Tim ‘dies’ from that whole thing in detective comics. he didn’t actually die, we as readers know, but in-universe they all very much so thought he was dead. frustratingly a lot of the batfam wasn’t really shown mourning him aside from in the Detective Comics Rebirth title itself (which just. when a major character dies even if its temporary- that should have a ripple effect) BUT an exception to that is in RHATO 2016, where we get this offhanded comment in Jason’s internal monologuing

similarly later when Roy, who like, had an incredibly close relationship w Jason that had just gotten mended before Heroes in Crisis, gets fuckin murdered in that whole thing... Jason doesn’t go to his funeral either. He leaves a dramatic voice mail and then visits the grave on his own later, choosing to instead keep working on the mission they’d started rather than going and taking the time to mourn properly.

Jason’s relationship with death is incredibly complicated, obviously. He has died, he has come back, and he now is willing to cross the line most other bats won’t and will kill people when he deems it necessary. I think thats something important though- he doesn’t just like... go around killing for fun (usually, some writers preboot made him a little murder happy but even then usually this still was vaguely followed) he kills people he thinks deserved it. Like, even looking back at the mess of Morrison’s Jason during Batman & Robin 2009, Jason was still trying to bring a sense of justice with who he was killing (”punishment that fits the crime”), it wasn’t killing for the sake of killing. He sees things in this kind of almost black and white ‘people who deserve it’ and ‘people who don’t’ way, and he has no problem dealing with death when it’s with the people he thinks deserve it. 

but when someone who doesn’t in his mind ‘deserve it’ gets killed? i think he just goes into total avoidance mode. throws himself into other things he’s doing, tries not to dwell on it too much no matter how much he still thinks about it (this is especially evident in him consistently telling people “i’m fine!” after what happened to Roy, despite bringing Roy up literally like every few issues for a WHILE after he died and very clearly still struggling with it, Artemis is the only one who gets through to him on it a little bit) 

but yeah, I just think that from Jason’s relatively unique situation of having been murdered, he knows what it’s like and he is perfectly fine wishing that on people he thinks are bad and deserve it, but it crushes him to imagine the people he loves and cares about having to experience something as painful as what he went through. not to mention the whole “I came back, why do I get a second chance at all this when they, who are a much better person than I am, probably won’t” mindset we get some implications of him having 

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

hello DC i am once again insisting a batfam member is bisexual

CASS TIME

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok so we know cass likes ballet. thats canon. however i think we also should in general explore cass experiencing other types of dance/performance as well, be it herself as a performer or even just watching. like... god imagine her & like my brain just automatically for group activities puts her with tim steph and duke but also for this in particular I feel would be a Jason embraced activity, but like them going to see a broadway show or some other professional theatre or something, and her just being enthralled by the reading of body language of the performers! like again by any point in current stuff cass does have like, the ability to speak fine (reading still hard tho) but even so I think like. okay im a theatre kid if that’s not obvious from the Everything About Me but one thing I always do after seeing a show is ya know spend dinner afterwards discussing it with whoever i saw it with.

I just think that like, bringing those people i just mentioned to the table to discuss seeing a show after would be so FASCINATING because cass would bring this whole perspective of critiquing their acting on a whole different level- not based on how well they delivered lines out loud, but by what their body language was saying as they moved on stage. like im very amused by the idea of cass getting a totally different picture in her mind about what a character’s motivations were because she was paying way more attention to what their physicality was saying vs the words that were written and how they were delivered. i think the debates her and the others would have would be EPIC there. jason defending the text as it was written adamantly and cass being like ‘ok yeah sure but thats not what they did’

B (hilarious): 

cass having no concept of money because why would she bother? is SO funny to me. like it’s not that she couldn’t be reasonable if she wanted to, but like, she knows that the Waynes are well off so it’s not something she actually needs to be concerned about, so she just goes hog wild. takes steph out to fancy dinners and makes steph order for them since cass ya know doesn’t really read the menus, and steph’s like ‘jesus christ this costs-” “don’t worry about it” “but cass-” and she just holds up one of bruce’s credit cards and steph’s still like “but you don’t even know the range-” “it is fine”

bruce does not have the heart to tell her to stop

C (heart-crushing): 

i mean this is pretty much canon but especially now after death metal where she’s remembering, not just being told by a guy using weird alternate timeline technology, that she used to be an adopted member of the Wayne family... like that hurts so bad. To look at these people who have ya know been kind to her, Bruce has still been a father-like figure to her (i mean literally from the moment they met in New 52 canon during the flashback in Batman & Robin Eternal, where he’s telling her that she’s not a monster just because of what people forced her to do.... that she’s a hero... that hug.... dad behavior), and they do to some extent treat her as family... But to then really know, to feel and remember that she was actually adopted! She was a part of their family. To look at how she’s been calling herself Orphan while working with them this whole time... that’s so heartbreaking! I have cried about this idea so much! I want so badly a conversation between her and Bruce now where he offers to officially adopt her again, I need it so bad and if it doesn’t happen at some point in the next year or two I will be so distraught.

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

i want an in-depth exploration of cass’ relationship to her own gender. being raised without language and you know with so much of her life being independent (remember: CASS RAN AWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING ANY SPOKEN LANGUAGE) and outside of an organized society impressing too much of gender expectations on her, i feel like the way she experiences it would be very unique! like sure she’s so far been fine with being assigned ‘girl’ (ya know that comes with batgirl, and how people just automatically treated her based on how she looks) but in terms of gender expression and like her actual relationship with ‘traditional femininity’ etc like... because of how she was raised I just think she’d have a really different perspective on it that could be cool to explore, and I think she’d fall outside of the binary after she really thinks about how she identifies.

tldr on that: she/they nb cass is what i’m getting at here

[prompt-master]

Would you be willing to share how you might rewrite Yukizome, Sakakura, and Munakata to make them likable characters (if not ppl Bc there’s a big difference)???

ahhhhhhh this ask got me so stupidly excited that I was like wavin my hands around. I think about how to rewrite their characters OFTEN. very often. I’m gonna go with likeable character over likeable people because I think they work better where they’re actually not that likeable people. 

The one I think about the MOST is Munakata. He was SUCH wasted potential and I partially blame the medium for that (a single season anime is too constrained for future, it needed more time and care to be a proper story). But Munakata is actually so close to being a compelling character but they made some MAJOR mistakes with him. This ended up getting really long and more like a 3 page ADHD ramble essay. SO IM VERY SORRY to anyone who cannot read this but TYTYTY if you did because these ideas make me very happy! Oh it’s only about Munakata btw because of how long it got

The thing about Munakata is that he is designed to be a foil to Naegi. In fact a majority of dr3 future FOCUSES on this foil dynamic. It is Naegi’s hope vs Munakata’s hope. The World’s hope vs The FF’s hope. And more importantly it is True Hope vs Corrupted Hope.

This is a fantastic concept...so why didn’t it work in canon? I think that the biggest most glaring issue with Munakata’s hope is his logic. Munakata is meant to be a logical man, although with corrupted morals that lead him astray. Yet in canon his logic is laughably infallible. For example as a major figure in the FF and someone who wants to spread hope....why would he tell Naegi to kill himself? More importantly why does he continue to try and slaughter Naegi? The issue here isn’t from the fact that he wants him dead but from the fact that he is under the IMPRESSION that this entire game is being broadcast to the world.

Think about this for a second. In Munakata’s eyes he is going to kill the Ultimate Hope, an international symbol of a better life, live on TV. He doesn’t just want to kill the Ultimate Hope..he wants to do it BRUTALLY as a MAJOR FIGURE OF THE FF. IMO this should have happened later on as the game furthers the emotional turmoil in Munakata’s head and he eventually snaps and gives in to the desire to kill Naegi despite the fact that this is live. And then there should be CONSEQUENCES for that. I wanted so badly a realization where Munakata realizes that he is hurting the Ultimate Hope in front of what he believes is the entire world. 

Another issue with Munakata’s logic is saying things such as...implying that the HPA KG was...just a game. I mean...people DIED. it's not hard to see how wrong that logic is. you can't say “this is the real world now” when what Naegi experienced WAS the real world. I think that this could be fixed through a bit of world building. DR3 Future is rather isolated from its world. We don’t really know much about the world and its dynamics. I think it would make perfect sense if the general public viewed the HPA KG as a tv show, they got numb to the sight and even those untouched by despair had a hard time connecting that these are REAL people suffering. With this previously established Munakata expressing that the KG was not real would make a lot more sense and play into his corrupted idea of hope. 

There is also Munakata’s connection to his other friends. Now I’ve talked about this before but the game was clearly designed to BREAK Munakata and Naegi. This way the FF would die, both the FF and World’s hope would be broken, and upon seeing this Mitarai would have no choice but to deploy his own forced hope. So it makes perfect sense that Yukizome’s death would break him (in fact if she hadn’t died in that way, her NG code was designed to be Munakata’s fault). But something about it felt...superficial. Again I think this is the mediums fault but it almost feels as though Munakata just forgets about Yukizome until later. I think they should spend more time establishing his pain and what he has lost and why this pushes him to kill. In his eyes if she can die then nothing else matters. It should be THE breaking point, not the first push. I do like the betrayal he feels towards realizing she had despair but it needed more time to fester. 

And his relationship with Sakakura also felt weak. In all honesty it was hard for me to feel as though they were ever friends. Sakakura is written as though he just follows Munakata like a loyal dog and Munakata just orders him around. Establish their relationship more! Why are they such good friends? Why is Sakakura important to him? And more importantly why did Munakata decide to cruelly gut Sakakura knowing he was about to confess? This is because he believed that Sakaura was despair and that his confession was more manipulation, but they didn’t show this well at ALL. Munakata just comes across as a major a-sshole who does not care. I also personally found it distasteful that when changing his heart Munakata only seemed to cry for Yukizome. I understand that was his love interest but Yukizome at the end of the day killed herself. Sakakura however was an unnecessary betrayal he took into his own hands AS HE HIMSELF KILLED HIM. He should have more guilt over that! Not just in that moment where he runs to Sakakura, but ahead of time as well! Maybe even DURING his rampage they could have shown him having moments of guilt but he is so absorbed in the idea that all despairs have to die that he doesn’t even realize he has become despair in the name of hope.

A BIG weakness on Munakata’s part comes with interacting with other characters. He is a man who should know how to take charge, lead, and doesn't know what to do when things are getting too crazy even though he THINKS he does. Munakata is heavily flawed, OBVIOUSLY flawed, but many of the interactions with him are as tho his rampage isnt a big deal. There should be reasons for this! Why do people trust Munakatas guidance so much? I dont know! All ive seen from him is that hes insane! Maybe even pieces where around others hes a lot nicer so you can understand why they follow him, even though hes ready to gut Naegi alive with a flaming katana. His interactions with others feel like the writers just wanted to see the next big evil thing they could think of, but for Munakata’s character this doesn't make sense because he was appointed a high status in the foundation for a reason. Maybe even have people say they disagree with some of his methods but at the end of the day he gets the job done!

There is another major missed opportunity here and it's why Muanakata wants Naegi dead so badly in the first place. The remnants. Hiding terrorists in the apocalypse is a PERFECTLY valid reason to want someone dead and think they're a bad guy! But I think since Naegis initial arrest was already so hostile and violent we get the sense that the FF is simply just...crazy. 

And let’s think about what Munakata WANTS from Naegi. He does not just want Naegi dead he wants something worse. He wants Naegi to suffer first. He thinks that Naegi doesnt understand his own personal pain. He thinks that because Naegi protected the remnants he must also not care about the suffering the remnants caused. He wants Naegi to feel despair and then die. This is important to his corrupted hope. He thinks the suffering must be shared in order to understand who must die, but he is creating a cycle of pain. Tie this back to the broadcasting issue. He wants Naegi to break for everyone to see. I think..and this is just a concept..I think it would have been a great idea for Munkata to force Naegi to watch the despair video so that he has no choice but to understand. 

AND themes are majorly important to Danganronpa. And I don’t think its a stretch to say that there are parallels between Munakata and Naegi. In fact I would say that there are aspects of the og trio in this new trio. I think it would have been really cool if they showed how our favorite trio could have ended up if they had been corrupted as well. But the parrellels dont stick strongly. I think it would have been cool to show a past where Munakata’s idealism lies more strongly than Naegis. As the student council president there was a time where he himself had to use his words to solve problems. Perhaps he learned that sometimes his words made things worse. Munakata does not have Naegi’s talent of emotional intelligence. He is a man of action over words. So he interprets this as WORDS being the problem rather than understanding he does not have these skills. Especially when the apocalypse breaks out, it becomes all action over words. So he sees Naegi who is all talk as a genuine threat who will let everyone die through his “weak ineffective” idea of hope. 

Another parallel could be drawn from the fact that they both have hope based careers. Their job is too keep things hopeful. Maybe Naegi stays safe doing public broadcasted speeches, while Munakata is on the field weeding out despairs. This would cause Munakata to feel as though Naegi is doing no real work yet getting all the credit for being a savior.

Munakata constantly complains that Naegi does not know true pain. But he and we as an audience have followed Naegi through his entire process of trauma. We know he is in the wrong. But what do we as an audience know about Munakata’s suffering? We are shown almost nothing! There are some implications, but for how intense he is implications are not enough. We need to see his suffering. We should see how he has witnessed death. Yukizomes death is not nearly enough for this because he talks as though he has suffered for years. How can we as an audience understand that when we have never seen it? How can we understand Munakata when he is outright denying Naegi’s trauma that we KNOW existed with no proper justification for his reasoning?

I also believe that Munakata should have died. It actually upsets me a bit that he was PLANNED to die but didn't. He should have died protecting Naegi after all that suffering and relentless brutality he offered him. Munakata again is a man of action over word, and protecting Naegi with his last breath is the perfect way to show how in the end he changed. Especially when all he wanted initially was for Naegi to die. I find that much more satisfying than just…...walking off to who knows where.

So lets recap some changes. Munakata needs a proper display of his past traumas and his relationship with Sakakura and Yukizome. Munakata needs a proper display of his work relationships and the respect he has earned. Munakata needs to fall into corruption at a better pace, and have geniune reasons for his illogical attacks on Naegi. Munakata needs to care more for his friends. Munakata needs to deal with the turmoil of wanting to hurt Naegi while he believes the world is watching. Munakata needs to die for Naegi

This has gotten long...and I still have things to say. There is so much to make Munakata a good character. Future had a lot of potential and is amazing for a rewrite concept. As for Sakakura and Yukizome since this has gotten long feel free to ask for another round of this individually when asks are open again! If you read all of this somehow….TYSM

[kewltie]

im entertaining a pro baseball au with bkdk on rival teams (one a former champ and the other a new powerhouse who had arrived on the field), set up by the media as each other's nemesis, until izuku got traded to katsuki's team and now they're force to work together and win a champ with this riff raff baseball team that had never gotten very far.

they're childhood friends. izuku grew up in katsuki's shadow—who is hailed as a prodigy, a one of a kind pitcher that come only every few gens but katsuki worked super hard to get where he is. izuku is actual the real genius but it's overshadowed by his insecurities and lack of confidence . so while katsuki shines ever brightly in the spotlight, he never forget that izuku is the only one to hit his fastest pitch and he got a mind like a machine that steer katsuki's pitching right into in glove every time because worse than getting a hit off Katsuki's pitch, he's a catcher who make katsuki feels invincible. Undefeated.

in their younger years they were a battery pair that dominated the lil league until Katsuki's warped superiority/inferiority complex broke them up because he was terrified that izuku would outshine him one day, ppl would start to see Izuku's brilliance, and that he wont need katsuki anymore. he left izuku for the bigger and better stage while izuku floundered helplessly wit out him thinking he wasnt good enough for katsuki. he dreams of being in the pro league with kacchan; it was both of their dreams to follow their idol--All Might, the no. 1 baseball player in Japan—to the biggest stage of their life. they were supposed to go pro together but katsuki went first and then racked up champions and champions with an all-star team as their starting pitcher, while izuku watched katsuki shut down the other team from his couch.

he thought that should have been him out there with kacchan so he trained everyday, dumping all his money into those batting cages because even if he got no team izuku still dreams. If he can’t have katsuki as his pitcher than he’ll do the next best thing, face against him as a batter. Changing position is not an easy choice to make, while izuku may be genius (though you wouldn’t know it by the way he’s shyly steps up to the plate) but even better than that he’s a hardworker. it's there that all might found him, discovered this diamond in the rough and took him under his wings because izuku was always meant something bigger than this cage. with all might's help izuku gets better enough to be scouted in an mid level pro team and it's there he get to stand on the same stage as katsuki even if they're on diff teams. katsuki's team may be a championship team with all its accolades so far but izuku is izuku. he's always beaten the odds; it's in him.

the 1st season izuku entered the pro, his team finally made it into the playoffs in many years but was knocked out by 1st seed team--Katsuki's team. it was a bitter feeling but to stare katsuki down on the pitch and getting a hit off of him like back in the old days felt amazingly good. katsuki had won against izuku and his team but it wasnt a total shut out either. in the last game izuku managed to to hit 2 home run off of katsuki's fastball and that's 2 too many. izuku is terribly awkward and shy in front of the media but when he step on that plate--he's mean and vicious. Eyes on the prize and the gauntlet is thrown. To chase a victory is in his blood as much as katsuki’s.

katsuki may have won but he felt like he lost the fucking war because izuku is here in front of him now and he cant get rid of him even if he want to. they were bound by some fucked up twisted fate that kept them tied together and meet like this once more. with that 1 series, izuku secured his place as katsuki's rival as the only handful of batters who can get a homerun on katsuki. in the next season, izuku made the playoffs again and lost to katsuki AGAIN but this time it was a hard fought fight that could go either way as the entire nation watched with bated breath. izuku and katsuki's team clashing was the most hype series in the playoffs even more than the grand finals. even their regular season games were watched by so many ppl. they were both stars of the their respective teams and they have a history so THE MEDIA ATE IT UP.

in izuku 3rd season, at the playoff once more he finally at last knocked katsuki off his perched in front of a stunned crowd and a glowering katsuki. they would eventually go to win the championship but nobody can forget that rainy long day when katsuki and izuku met up against each other on the field that last so long it felt like an entire year had passed between them. the grand finals was great between izuku’s team and another ace but it was the bitter, hard fought semi-finals battle between katsuki and izuku’s team that was etched into everyone’s memory.

that lost cut katsuki deeply. it was his first time not making it to the finals and to see izuku winning it all was such a bitter feeling. he started to slipped as his obsession with beating izuku grew. his pitching became erratic and uncontrollable. his pitching staff and catcher doesnt know how to fix him. it all came to a head when he had to face izuku again in the regular season and ofc izuku knew right away something was off with him. katsuki's team lost that match up and after the game, izuku reached out with concern.

"it's your shoulder isnt it?" he asked as though he didn't already know.

katsuki rebuked him right away, but it burned in him that even with all these ppl surrounding him it's only izuku who noticed that his shoulder was the source of the problem. izuku knew him better than anyone even now. katsuki eventually had to tell the staff that he blew his shoulder in the offseason while training and it didnt heal right. so he was benched to recover but even when he did... it was like he wasnt ever the same again. his pitching was off, lacking its usual explosive speed and power.

his team started to use him less and less and they didnt even make it to the payoffs in DECADES. the loyal and fanatic fanbase turned against their star even tho it wasnt Katsuki's fault, pushing to trade him out for a better, newer, and younger pitcher as though there were anyone better than him but katsuki was considered old news and izuku was the new face of the league as he won a back to back championship and mvp title. so katsuki himself pushed to be traded off to another team so he can start over and prove to his doubters than be can reach to the top with ANY TEAM.

they send him to the bottom of the league--U.A. a team of troublemaker players who are all talented but eccentric enough that they cant fit anywhere else. with this new team who finds katsuki's abrasiveness interesting rather than annoyance or something they have to put up with, they start to make a sort of family out of these misfits and katsuki slowly learns to rely on his teammates and not take on the world just by himself because he may stand alone on that mound but his team got his back to make sure he would never fall. they're good for him and hes good for them!!

 though they still have much to learn about each other, but they managed to beat some of the top teams in the regular season with their sheer guts. even tho they didnt make it to the playoffs this season, katsuki didnt feel bitter at all he knows there's a next year and a next year. There’s hope still for them. they’re growing and improving with each win/loss. Losing DOESN’T FEEL LIKE A PERSONAL BETRAYAL ANYMORE. It’s a measure of one’s growth.

Izuku's team consistently outperformed everyone now that katsuki isnt posed as his rival because he's in a diff league (west vs east) now so they rarely meet up in the regular season but izuku misses that edge, that feeling of being cut by Katsuki's fastball, and to stand on same the field with katsuki but more than anything he wants catch Katsuki's pitch, to be a battery again with KATSUKI so TO THE SHOCK OF THE ENTIRE WORLD izuku didnt renew his contract with his 3x championship team but chose to sign up with U.A. at a heavily discounted price because he wants to win WITH katsuki!!

the thing is he'd been following katsuki all his life. katsuki was the one who taught him baseball, followed him into the lil league, middle school, high school, the pro, and then followed in his footsteps to take the champ, so it should be no surprise that he would eventually follow katsuki to his new team.

"aren't you tired of being in bakugou's shadow?" his general manager asks. "dont you want to stand separate from him? with us you can go so far, midoriya."

izuku shakes his head. "im not in katsuki's shadow. he's paving the way and telling me to hurry up and come to him."

it's always the case with them. katsuki runs and izuku gives chase, but somewhere along the way they both have to stop. U.A. is that destination and the day izuku arrives on u.a.'s homestand he feels it in air--the electricity, the tension, and new beginning.

katsuki's eyes are wide as he spots izuku standing on the field of his team. anger and bitterness flickers hot and heavy in his chest. he storms over to izuku and demands to know wtf is he doing here DOESN'T HE KNOW THIS IS KATSUKI'S TEAM? but izuku just smile, sweet and soft.

"i'm here to be your new catcher," izuku informs him, rocking happily back and forth on his heels.

katsuki bristles. "not happening," he hisses.

Izuku raises his brow. "why dont you try me out first then." he quirks the corner of his lips up in amusement. "or are you afraid?"

katsuki eyes narrow because izuku knows him. KNOWS WHERE AND HOW TO PUSH THEM. it's like back in the playoffs again when they're facing each other. katsuki can read him just as easily izuku can too and it made their battle exhilarating, like dancing on the edge of a blade but sometimes he wonder what if it would be like not to have izuku's blade pointed at him but have him at his back instead. he should know because they were that once. together as one and it was a pairing unlike any other. no other catcher clicked the way izuku had and to have that again.

Katsuki grits his his teeth and nods. "get your gear," he says, "and i'll show you who is the one you should be afraid of."

izuku is an excellent batter. strong grip, good shoulder and arm, and there's power behind his swing, but he's an even better catcher.

he got good eyes to see ppl's move before they even do it. it's how he was able to shut down other pitchers as a batter because he read them all like a book, spending hours going over their specialize pitches and habits but he has never find a pitcher that pitch the way he wants them to. only katsuki gives it to him because katsuki holds no barred when he throw, he puts everything on the line and izuku wants that. he earnestly wants to receive all of katsuki's feelings. like he had in their past. izuku steps back as he watches katsuki gets on the mound.

it feels so right to crouch down, his gloved hand forward to receive katsuki's balls, and the fire of katsuki's eyes on him the entire time.

"give me everything you got. your best yet," he orders over the field.

katsuki snarls. "shut the fuck up," he says, and throws.

the balls slide right into izuku's glove like the turn of a key, the fit of a jigsaw puzzle, like a pitcher and their catcher. perfect just like izuku's imagine it to be. the impact of it knocks izuku back but the ball is right in his glove. right where izuku wants him to throw.

izuku gets up and throws his gear to the ground as he races up toward the mound. he laughs because THIS FEELS GOOD, BETTER THEN WINNING THE CHAMPIONSHIP ALONE BECAUSE NOW THEY'RE GOING TO WIN THIS TOGETHER AND HE KNOWS IT. CAN SEE IT IN KATSUKI'S PITCH, CAN FEEL IT THE BALL IN HIS GLOVE

"that was beautiful kacchan! i knew you can do it because with you here with me, we can do anything, even conquer this entire world," he declares with a certainty that startles even katsuki. he's grinning so wide and proud like katsuki's pitch was made for him and--

katsuki reaches out and pulls him into a forceful kiss because he looks so beautiful it hurts to watch, because in the end it was always about them. deku. Izuku. he has been waiting for a long, long time for izuku to get here. to stand on the same field as him and to have izuku catch his pitch. even when they fought each other in the regular seasons and the playoffs, where one side always win and the other always lose, he thought one day they would both share the same fate, same side and katsuki and izuku will taste victory together. they can, and now they will.

[sweetestmonotony]

I compared niall's albums to shawn’s and WOW

So I always felt like Niall and Shawn were writing about each other but only casually listened to Shawn so I never made any hard connections, but I just went through and listened to/read the lyrics to niall and shawn’s past two albums and WOW. they basically tell the same story but from each other’s different perspectives. SO  I went through and wrote a little summary for each song and then compared their albums. Feel free to read or completely ignore!

Shawn: ILLUMINATE 2016

SUMMARY: shawn very much loves this person but he isn’t sure how they feel about him/ he also makes it clear to this person that they can’t actually be together not because he doesn’t love them but because of other unsaid circumstances (i.e. can’t be openly in love with a guy)

There’s nothing holding me back: Confident girl that keeps him guessing, makes him crazy- wants to confess love for her

Ruin: Questioning if the other person thinks about him/remembers their time together, believes he’s the only one for this person but doesn’t know if person feels the same way about him

Mercy: YOU’VE GOT A HOLD ON ME DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR POWER///EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T MEAN TO HURT ME YOU KEEP TEARING ME APART//like every lyric of this song screams hopelessly in love with a friend

Treat you better: pining for someone-- again believes he’s the only for this person

Three empty words: sad about a relationship ending/going through difficult time

Don’t be a fool: telling this person that he isn’t worth it “a mess you won’t want to fix,” saying that they both love each other but circumstances keep them apart

Like this: Trying to move on from relationship but cant stop thinking about this person/ still picks up the phone for them I CAN TRY TO STOP IT ALL I LIKE HANDS DOWN IVE LOST THIS FIGHT CANT HIDE THE TRUTH –I read this is as he cant hide his feelings any longer-he is definitely in love and can’t hide it

No Promises: does not want to complicate relationship/ can’t make promises because there will be consequences

Lights on: wants to have sex—biggest takeaway is another mention of being in a hotel, lots of hotel mentions from shawn and at least one from niall (meet each other in other cities)

Honest: can’t give person what they need/there is no other person but shawn cannot be with them---extenuating circumstances once again in the way

Patience: person can’t make up their mind about shawn/keeps him guessing about their relationship/shawn knows this person makes him crazy but he keeps coming back

Bad reputation: this person has been with other people/shawn doesn’t care and claims to know more about this person better than others

Understand: trying to find peace/acceptance with himself

Hold on: basically love song for his dad—again about finding himself/peace

Roses: wants to know if this other person loves him -- he needs to know

 Niall: FLICKER 2017

SUMMARY: in love with this person who constantly pulls away, niall is always reassuring and wants them to be together despite things that try to keep them apart, including the other person’s worries and doubts

She’s on the loose: alluring woman, she’ll meet niall wherever, loves attention

This town: can’t move on from a loving relationship

Seeing blind: someone took him by surprise/he can finally see

Slow hands: they both want each other

Too much too ask: can’t forget about this person/wonders if this person thinks about him or stills loves him-imagines this person coming back to him

Paper Houses: they tried to hold on to their love but just couldn’t-outside circumstances/ he could feel this person slipping away—can’t forget them

Since we’re alone: knows this person is hiding feelings—they are afraid/running—niall tries to reassure them, tells them he is trustworthy and will not break their heart

Flicker: relationship is rocky but he is still hopeful/not giving up—begging this person not to leave him

Fire away: niall can tell that this person is upset (similar to since we’re alone)/again tells this person that they can trust him—person keeps him at a distance

You and me: promises this person that they will end up together even though things are against them/asks this person to wait for him

On my own: embraces his being alone/insists he’s happy on his own

Mirrors: reassures girl who is unsure of herself and who wants love

The tide: don’t let the tide wash us away!!! He doesn’t want their relationship to end, something always tries to keep them apart but niall wants them to stay together/wants to hide them away

 Illuminate VS Flicker

Both love and care about each other but Shawn feels the pressure of society much more than niall, making him always pull away in the end. This leads the other person (niall) to most likely hook up with/hang out with other people confusing Shawn. Shawn constantly asking for reassurance that this person loves him, even though he cannot make any promise. On flicker Niall feels this person (shawn) pulling away and tries to be there for them/comfort them and promises that he can be trusted. Very much wants to keep their relationship together and reiterates this multiple times.

  Shawn: SHAWN MENDES 2018

SUMMARY: Shawn and this person (niall) have decided to be friends but inevitably hook up with each other/ become friends with benefits but it is not easy because they obviously love each other but feel they can’t actually be in a relationship with each other. They both try to date others, causes jealousy/more confusion but makes shawn realizes this is the only person for him.

In my blood: obviously depressed/upset “just take her home and you’ll feel better” “Its isn’t in my blood”—needs someone to help him

Nervous: is always nervous/excited about this person—knows this person wants them too

Lost in japan: LOOKING THROUGH YOUR TIMELINE ALL I SEE IS RAINBOWS ��KNOW THIS IS MORE THAN A FRIENDSHIP—will fly anywhere to meet them for one night i.e. friends with benefits

Where were you in the morning: Person did not stay the morning after but made shawn think there was more to their relationship

Like to be you: fighting with this person—trying to understand them/ still loves them and wishes things were better

Fallin all in you: only supposed to be one night but they’re falling in love/making him rethink himself “Baby you are bringing out a different kind of me, there’s no safety net that’s underneath im free fallin all in you, FELL FOR MEN WHO WERENT HOW THEY APPEAR trapped up on a tightrope now we’re here WE’RE FREE fallin all in you”

Particular taste: YOU’LL BE BEGGING HER FOR MERCY

Why: every lyric in this song screams niall but to sum up: they know they both love each other but neither will speak first/ I PRETEND THAT IM NOT READY WHY DO WE PUT EACH OTHER THROUGH HELL/WHEN I HEAR YOU SING, IT GETS HARD TO BREATH CANT HELP BUT THINK EVERY SONGS ABOUT ME —so obviously this is about a person who is a singer/songwriter! (NIALL)—AND EVERY LINE EVERY WORD THAT I WRITE YOU ARE THE MUSE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND—no further comments but this song is for real and he only wrote it with two other people SO

Because I had you: shawn is trying to move on but says he will never love anyone else/ takes someone else out to all the places they had been too (trying to recreate their relationship with someone else but it doesn’t work)

Queen: angry at this person for brushing him off or pretending like they don’t have history

Youth: society won’t get him down

Mutual: person keeps him guessing—wants all of this person but doesn’t know if this person can commit/ believes it’s a game for this other person

Perfectly wrong:  says this person is “perfectly wrong” for him but still loves them anyway, they were never gonna work out

When you’re ready: only ever thinks of this person, ANYTIME YOURE READY IM WAITING (this makes me think of you and me when niall asks the person to wait for him, you and me is the last song on flicker standard addition and when you’re ready is the last song on this album= an answer to niall’s question) –shawn tries to be with others but is always disappointed because it is not this person

BONUS: IF I CAN’T HAVE YOU 2019

Shawn obsesses over this person—reads their texts constantly, only writes songs about this one person/only wants this one person CANT MOVE ON IF WE’RE STILL GONNA TALK/IM GOOD AT KEEPING MY DISTANCE/EVERYTHING MEANS NOTHING IF I CANT HAVE YOU—this song screams in love with his friend he hooks up with ALSO its co -written with the same two people he wrote Why with

 Niall:  HEARTBREAK WEATHER 2020

SUMMARY: (keep in mind that niall said to listen to this album start to finsh to “feel the storyline”)

Niall is in love with this person and wants to be with them forever but the other person pulls away. They both see other people but niall can’t get over them. In the meantime, they continue to hook up with each other but niall can’t change the fact that he loves this person. He finally comes to the conclusion that he wants to be with them and asks them to take him back because he’s still in love with them. This album really feels like it tells the whole story of niall and shawn’s relationship start to finish.

Heartbreak weather: niall feels happy/content with this person

Black and White:  IN ALL YOUR GORGEOUS COLORS/ I WANT THE WORLD TO WITNESS WHEN WE FINALLY SAY I DO—promises that he’ll never love anyone else, pictures them together when they’re old

Dear patience: trying to tell this person how he really feels/is nervous but needs to say how he feels

Bend the rules: worried this person is seeing someone else, is worried/upset and misses them, feels crazy

Small talk: Hooks up with someone else SHE’S NOT MY BABY SHE’S GOT THE WRONG CRAZY

Nice to meet ya: Meets someone new, wants to take them out

Put a little love on me: thinks about this person, wonders what they’re doing/ how they are -- ARE YOUR TEARS FALLING DOWN WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW ANOTHER FRIDAY NIGHT TRYNA PUT ON A SHOW (shawn playing concerts/ being sad about niall in between performances) WE WROTE AND WE WROTE TILL THERE WERE NO MORE WORDS (both writing songs about each other) heartbroken about not being with person

Arms of a stranger: he was in love with this person and they left him with nothing, he’s “in the arms of a stranger but why do I think of you?”

Everywhere: Tried to forget about this person but sees them everywhere

Cross your mind: ITS YOUR SHOW IM JUST WATCHING IT/ IF YOU LEAVE AND DON’T COME BACK TOMORROW AT LEAST YOU CAME TONIGHT – friend with benefit—knows this person sees others and believes this person doesn’t know how much they affect him—loves this person anyway, person says they love them too but he doesn’t know how serious they are

New angel: is always thinking about this person and is looking for a distraction TO SAVE ME FROM MYSELF I NEED A NEW ANGEL—hopes this new angel will help him forget the other person

No judgement: (makes me think of since we’re alone and fire away) will not judge this person and is here for them/ I GET US BREAKFAST IN THE MORNING OR YOU CAN SLIP OUT IN THE NIGHT/ EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T TALK FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS ITS LIKE WE DIDN’T LOSE ANY TIME I CAN BE YOUR LOVER OR YOUR SHOULDER TO CRY ON/ I HOPE WE NEVER CHANGE EVEN THOUGH WE’LL BOTH MOVE ON AGAIN ILL KEEP YOUR SECRET SAFE TILL WE FIND OURSELVES ALONE AGAIN—he obviously has a lot of history with this person and knows things about them, is always there for them, they may not see each other all the time (on again off again) but they always love each other and come back to one another

San Fransisco: wants to be with this person but thinks they can’t last—makes up his mind to be with this person and asks them to take him back/ SAY IM DONE RUNNING FROM THE ONE I WANT SO BAD

Still: Niall is sorry for what he has done but wants to make it work with this person, he is still in love with them/they have been through a lot and broken up but have come so far and IF HONESTY MEANS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH WELL IM STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU/ tells them it’ll be alright

 SHAWN MENDES VS HEARTBREAK WEATHER

On each album they sing about becoming friends with benefits with someone they love. They both try to move on and see other people but only ever think about each other. They both come to the conclusion that they want to be with each other despite all the hard times they have been through.

*Extra side note: Teddy Geiger co-wrote almost every song on illuminate and shawn mendes and now co wrote a few songs on heartbreak weather. also, niall and shawn have the same group of people (different groups of people for each of them) that they write songs with on their albums which makes me think that these people know the storylines and are people they trust/maybe confide in. 

[creative-cha0s]

Jess’ Masterlist of Prodigal Son (Mostly Brightwell) Inspo with Songs & Lyrics

HI tend to think of almost everything in connection to songs and lyrics and recently Ive got a bunch of lyrics rolling around in my head that are perfect for inspiration for Prodigal Son fics, fan art, gif sets, ect - but mostly fics (and mosty Brightwell).

Ill do my best to categorize by relationship/ character and possibly plot - and hopefully to keep this updated.

Like my music? want to listen to it too? All of these songs are in my playlist that I leave on repeat: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3pvktqRQXSUivcXpOWZGCX

Brightwell

Piece of Your Heart - Mayday Parade

This song is perfect for the both of them no matter who it’s coming from, but I always see the 1st verse (1st bullet) coming from Dani

Give me your misery All of it give it to me I can hold onto it for you It's not a problem I just want your energy A piece of that fractured mountain I'll take whatever comes with it as long as it's yours

All I know is that I want it more than yesterday If I was waiting, I was waiting for just one little spark You are the brightest I've seen You are the best side of me And just for when we're apart I've got a piece of your heart

But I want the whole damn thing 

Where You Are - Mayday Parade

The song as a whole is not fitting, its about someone dying. But there are a few lines that can be used.

You to me, are encased in nothing But beauty and gracious love You'll always be my one good reason To keep on moving 'til I'm in your arms

My favorite place is wherever you are 

Sleeping In - All Time Low

This song is PERFECT for well establish Brightwell - fluffy, lazy days, just ignoring the world and staying in together. Just go listen to the whole song.

Never wanna leave this bed Tell me that you got nowhere to be Can we stay all day? (All day) Lay low in our lazy luxury Sex in a rosé daze (daze) All day, it's a real good thing

Just like that There you go, making it hard to stay on track Got shit to do, you got work But we fall right back Into bed, like it's all just a game And we can't help that, no we can't help that 

Favorite Place - All Time Low

Another one that’s perfect for Brightwell, mostly coming from Bright (bolded parts), this song is currently always stuck in my head. Go listen to it!

So can we close the space between us now It's the distance we don't need (hey) Yeah, you're everything I love about The things I hate in me (hey) So come on, come on, come over now and Fix me with your grace 'Cause I'm not too far and you're my favorite place

And I know you don't belong (know you don't belong) Know you don't belong to anyone No you can't be tamed love Maybe I was wrong (maybe I was wrong) Maybe I was wrong for this But you feel like the perfect escape now 

Kids Again - Artist Vs Poet

Can be any phase of Brightwell I think - mostly focusing on the verses, ignoring the ‘just like we were kids’ reference in the chorus, because they didn’t grow up together. Another one to go listen to the whole song.

I know a girl who likes to drink her coffee black Cause sugar, no, she don't got time for that Leaves her desires at the welcome mat when she walks in

Yeah, I know a boy who likes to keep his burner on He's always running with no one to keep warm It's like he's flirting with the smoke alarm, his fire's fading

But still we laugh, we cry, we fall, we get high

And when I, I'm feeling small you get me through it all

I know a girl who's never tried to settle down She wears her loneliness like a crown But when she smiles all the kings will bow down, down, down

And I know a boy who's broken every vow he's made Who's spoken every capped phrase But he can listen like a rainy day and drown it out 

Clumsy - All Time Low

Perfect for when Bright acts like Bright, especially in reference to him backing away from Dani and ending up with Eve. And anything else he does that breaks Danis trust and makes her say things like ‘you promised to do better’ and ‘you told me i was the one you liked talking to’ LISTEN TO THIS ONE ITS SO GOOD

I was bound to make a mess of things Mixin' fireworks and gasoline Never meant to make you fall with me

I let you down I've been clumsy with your heart again I guess you figured me out Now here's a taste of my own medicine

And for all this pain, that I can't explain There's a black flag wavin' tonight You know I let you down (let you down) I've been clumsy with your heart again 

Satellite - Mayday Parade

Cant really explain how this fits other than angsty Bright who thinks hes going to mess up everything (I swear everything I touch it breaks). Most of the lines could easily come from either of them to the other. Gets at the emotion of following each other and doing life together (will you follow?)

What if I told you, everything we built will slowly fade away? And if I hold you, I swear everything I touch it breaks But it you close your eyes and take my hand We could learn from our mistakes

If you jump, I'll follow If you jump, I'll follow

What if I told you, everything that's gold is sure to fade If I hold you, what if I hold you 'til we're old and grey? But if you close your eyes and take my hand We could learn from our mistakes

If you jump, I'll follow If I jump, will you follow? 

Never Let Me Go - We Came As Romans 

See below under Malcolm & Gil - really good for canon friendship/ partnership with Dani & Bright

Hush Hush - The Band CAMINO

This one is absolutely perfect for building tension between the two of them either for pre-brightwell or established Brightwell – Especially if they’re hiding it from the rest of the team. It’s perfect for something hot yet playful, or just completely angsty. It’s… well, you’ll see. Give it a listen!

I caught your eye across the room No one can feel the tension between me and you There's no need to mention all the things I wanna do You wanna do 'em too We both know we'd be over if they knew Yeah, we both know we'd be over if they knew

Hush, hush Don't give it away We'll both be better off if no one knows Hush, hush Got nothin' to say Just keep it to yourself 'til we get home Don't touch they're looking your way If anybody asks, we left alone Hush, hush Don't give it away Hush, hush Don't give it away

Honest - The Band CAMINO

This one right here – the ENTIRE song is 100% for those storylines that has the two of them attempting ‘no strings attached’ and casual without all the emotions that we KNOW are there. Perfect for leading into a change from casual to serious :) Here’s just a portion

Are we something to each other Or are we just blowing smoke? Are we caught between the covers Or is there something more going on in between us, or not? Is it just on the surface, or what?

We should be honest 'Cause sometimes I can't tell Do we really want this Or are we lying to ourselves? Is it the burning hearts alone in the dark That make the midnight call? Now we're caught between the real thing And nothing at all So we should be honest

Do you feel it when you kiss me? 'Cause I know you do somehow I don't know when we go where we got But we're both here somehow And I thought it was nothing until now

What I Want - The Band CAMINO

Some feels for break up/ fight Brightwell and perfect for Dani’s POV when he moves onto Eve shortly after saying he’d try to do better at them and that she’s the one he likes talking to.

You told me to love, but I won't It doesn't seem right, no and I'll never get what I want if I can't on my own I took a chance on a feeling But here I am feeling alone

If Im James Dean, Then You’re Audrey Hepburn - Sleeping With Sirens 

For when Malcolm is serious about them and really needs Dani to stay – most important line in this is ‘Cant promise that things wont be broken’ For serious, and fluff:)

They say that love is forever Your forever is all that I need Please stay as long as you need Can't promise that things won't be broken But I swear that I will never leave Please stay forever with me

The way that we are It's the reason I stay As long as you're here with me I know we'll be okay The way that we are Is the reason I stay As long as you're here with me I know I'll be okay

Another Nightmare - Sleeping With Sirens

It’s not hard for Bright to be a MESS - whether you're sticking with canon storylines or adding your own, he probably thinks he's an absolute nightmare to everyone around him, especially Dani.

Nobody's perfect, there's no excuse I've been such a fucking nightmare to you But I promise if you let me in (let me in, let me in) I will never ever hurt you again

Malcolm & Martin (as portrayed on the show - not going near that NOTP)

Monsters - All Time Low (Explicit language)

This song perfectly - 99% - describes the relationship between Malcolm and Martin  (aside from the ‘in the sheets’ reference STAY THE FRICK AWAY NOTP). What I like the most about this matching their relationship is the fact that it acknowledges that Malcolm keep letting himself go back to Martin and let him hurt him (although I know a good deal of that is Martins manipulation controlling Malcolm). Go listen to the whole thing - its new music and its beautiful.

Another day, 'nother headache in this hangover hotel Gettin' used to the rhythm, yeah, I know this beat too well Tunnel visions got me feeling, like you're the only one I see But I know what's missing, where I'm swimmin' In my lonely luxury

Why am I a sucker for all your lies? Strung out like laundry on every line Why do I come back to you, like I don't mind if you fuck up my life?

I'm addicted to the way you hurt, the way you contradict me I swear everything look worse at night, I think I'm overthinking I don't care who I might hurt along the way, I'm fuckin' sinking Into every word, I don't care if you lyin' when I'm drinking So, tell me pretty lies, look me in my face Tell me that you love me, even if it's fake 

A Trophy Father’s Trophy Son - Sleeping With Sirens

The actual context of the song doesn’t fit to this situation, since Martin was taken away rather than leaving his family on his own but the emotion behind the words as if they were coming from Malcolm is exactly the same: losing a father. Perfect for young Malcolm as well as current day.

Father, father, tell me where have you been? Its been hell not having you here I've been missing you so bad And you don't seem to care When I go to sleep at night, you're not there When I go to sleep at night, do you care?

I need to know, I need to know Why are you walking away? Was it something I did? Did I make a mistake cause I'm trying to deal with the pain I don't understand this, is this how it ends? I will try to understand

Blood Lines - Sleeping with Sirens

Doesn’t need any more explanation than the statement Martin made that haunts him ‘We are the same’

No matter what I do, you will never ever be like me And I will never be like you (like you)

Malcolm

Who Will Pray? - We Came As Romans

Not in a religious context at all. Definitely a song on the more glum/ angsty side to describe Malcolm and how he feels about himself in relation to everyone around him.

We share our days Together now the sun is gone am I Another left here on my own alone And I'm slowly sinking

Scared to say What I'm feeling is the truth I need to face reality I choose to use to trick myself again into thinking

Short of breath and pulse erratic The weight of my chest, I'm slightly panicked

If I start to fade, gone without a trace Who will pray for me tomorrow? If I fall too far, disappear in the dark Who will pray for me tomorrow? 

Blood Lines - Sleeping With Sirens

Just some lyrics I found that accurately describe Malcolm – ‘Why do I try to save everyone I meet?’ evidenced by his talking down of their killer in every episode, and his ‘someone breaks us’ in the pilot as he tried to talk that killer down.

Why do I try to save everyone I meet? Is it because they are just like me? (Just like me) Same tracks, wrong side of the street Not typical in the way that we speak When you always expect to lose You don't give a fuck what they think of you It's written in our DNA Are we just born this way?

Malcolm & Gil (AS THEYRE PORTRAYED ON THE SHOW, PEOPLE, still not going near that NOTP)

Never Let Me Go - We Came As Romans

This one actually fits any caring relationship with Bright, especially with Gil, and his canon friendship/ partnership with Dani. 

The POV in the chorus changes halfway through, as an answer to the person saying ‘dont let me go’ so I see that as being them telling Malcolm they wont let him go.

My body shivers at the thought of getting up My heart is starting to accept that I am giving up No strength left Is it over yet? Am I thinking with my heart or with my head? Through distance, you remind me that

Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me go

So hold me close and never let me, never let me go At my lowest of lows, when I need you the most So let's reverse, could you look for me, could you look for me first? I will hold you close, I will never let you go I will never let you go I will never let you go

My hands welcome yours as you begin to see me My heart is starting to accept your rescue completely This new life that you placed in my heart I hope that I will make it through to you And in my steps you will follow behind, Oh Don't let me go! 

Malcolm & JT (Once again - as they’re portrayed on the show)

Agree to Disagree - Sleeping With Sirens

Doesn't entirely fit them where they are at now, but it’s perfect for how JT viewed him pretty early on

You think you're better than me? You don't like what you see? I think it's best we agree to disagree I'm doing fine by myself I never asked for your help I think it's best we agree to disagree

Songs that I’m getting paring/ character vibes from but I have no explanation why: 

For a While - The Band CAMINO (Brightwell)

See Through - The Band CAMINO (Brightwell)

[turtle-steverogers]

Race vs the hot RA

Or the couple times race pined after the hot RA and the time the hot RA pined back

Hi! im back at school after thanksgiving break, so i decided to write some college fluff.  like for real guys.  its j us t fluff

enjoy!

ship: ralbert

warnings: lots of fucking smiling ;)

word count: something like 3k?

editing: nein

-

1.

“This is BULLSHIT.”

Race takes out an earbud and stares, mildly alarmed, at the bathroom door of their suite.  Abruptly, the shower shuts off, despite having been on for all of thirty seconds and a moment later, Spot emerges with a towel wrapped around his waist, shivering hard enough to rival a chihuahua left out in front of a grocery store in the rain.  He looks angry, scowling hard enough to bare his teeth and eyes narrowed in a way that would probably be murderous if he didn’t also look entirely pathetic.  

Race quirks an amused eyebrow, “Everything okay?”

“No,” Spot growls, “there’s no fucking hot water.”

Race frowns, “Like, none?”

“Yes, Race,” Now Race can see the goosebumps that line Spot’s arms and notes with faint concern that his lips look a little blue, “None.  Like, it’s fucking Antarctica in that fucking shower.  I feel like Steve Rogers after he crashed that fucking plane into the Arctic.”

“Shit, that’s not good.”

Spot scoffs, giving him a ‘no shit’ look and crosses to his drawer to pull out a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

“Maybe too many people are using the showers?” Race suggests, “and like, maybe the hot water got all used up.  That happens sometimes at home.”

“Don’t think it works like that,” Spot says, padding back towards the bathroom, “M’pretty sure this place operates more like a hotel, so lack of hot water shouldn’t be an issue.  Can you go let the RA know something’s wrong with the plumbing?”

Race’s stomach drops, face coloring a bit at the thought of talking to Albert, their engineering SLO’s attractive resident’s assistant.  Like Race and Spot, he’s a junior, but this was Race’s first year living in the engineering housing, so he hadn’t seen him around before.  Which was weird considering they should have at least had a freshman seminar together or something of the sort. 

But nope.  On upperclassmen move in day, Race was completely blindsided by the pretty redhead coming around to the dorms, introducing himself with a disarmingly charming smile and an overly peppy, “If you ever need anything, I’m in 311b!”

Which was unfair, really, because naturally, Race had to see Albert fairly often at various floor events and as smooth as he’d like to believe he is, Albert made him basically incoherent.

And Spot knows that.

So, fuck Spot.

“Can’t you go tell him?” Race calls, trying not to sound pathetic but missing that mark by miles.

“No!” Spot shouts back, still sounding irritated, “I got class soon, dude, stop being a pussy and go!”

Race groans, steeling himself for a moment before pushing himself up from his desk and crossing towards the door, stopping at the bathroom to yell a quick, “I hate you!” at Spot before exiting and ambling down the hall towards Albert’s single.  The sign outside Albert’s door says that he’s on duty, so he knocks twice and bounces on his toes while he waits, stomach swooping when he hears a, “Just a sec!” from inside the room.

A second later, Albert opens the door, looking relaxed in a pair of running shorts and long sleeved shirt, feet tucked into a fluffy pair of moccasins.  The outfit is stupid and entirely adorable and Race has to forcably log his brain back online.  By the time he’s gotten a grip on himself, he realizes that Albert was saying something and is now looking at him with a mildly concerned and expectant smile on his face.

“Shit, sorry,” Race stammers, “What?”

The easy smile doesn’t drop, but an almost knowing glint flashes through Albert’s eyes, “I just asked what’s up.  Everything okay?”

“Oh,” Race feels himself blush, “Yeah, no, the hot water’s just fucked in our bathroom.  Thought I should let you know.”

“Ah, fuck,” Even disgruntled, Albert looks easy-going.  It’s unfair really.  For someone majoring in astrophysics, Albert always look entirely too relaxed, “Yeah, Mush came to me earlier about that.  I called in a ‘fix-it’ and they said someone should be coming to look at it around 5 o’clock.  Sorry, though.  I know cold showers are fucking awful.”

“Oh, it’s okay,” Race says, “Spot was the one who got the brunt of it, not me.”

“Bet he was thrilled,” Albert says, “Kid’s a ray of sunshine.”

Albert even manages to make biting sarcasm sound entirely welcome.  Race isn’t convinced he doesn’t have super powers or something.

“Yeah, he was super chill about it,” Race plays along, “Kindly asked me to let you know and everything.”

“Mhm, I’m sure.”

There’s a small lapse of silence and Race starts to feel the nerves in his stomach come back, suddenly overwhelmed again by Albert’s alluring nature.  He’s about to turn and leave when Albert opens his door wider.

“You wanna come in for a bit?” He asks, “Was just making some ramen if you’re interested.”

“Oh,” Race’s heart soars for a second before dropping again, “Fuck, I’d love to, but I can’t,” Albert’s face falls a fraction and Race tries not to read too deep into that, “I have to finish studying for that astro 212 exam.”

Albert lights up again, “Oh! I gotta study for that, too.  We can study together?  If you want, I mean.  Like, you totally don’t have to if you, like, study better alone or something, I just thought it might be fun to-”

“Albert,” Race cuts him off, feeling oddly elated to see Albert flustered for once, “No, that’s perfect.  I’d love to eat ramen and study with you, just give me a minute to go grab my notes.”

“Sweet!” Albert says, smiling again, “I’ll keep my door open, so just come on in whenever!”

Race gives him a thumbs up and tries not to run back to his room.  Once he’s inside, it’s a mad dash to grab his things, cursing as he drops his graphing calculator twice.  He doesn’t even notice Spot on the floor, tying his shoes, until he laughs.

“Got a hot study date?” He quips.

“No,” Race says, “Shut up.  RAs aren’t technically allowed to date residents.”

Spot holds up his hands in the universal sign of surrender, “Rules can be bent.”

Race rolls his eyes, rushing back out of the room.

2.

Race fucking hates calculus.  Well, actually, that’s a lie.  He fucking loves calculus.  Numbers have always made sense to him, theorems and equations melding into one beautiful web of logic that always pulled him into a comfortable rhythm.  But right now, surface integrals were fucking him in the ass.  

Which is why he’s holed up in the library on a Sunday morning, staving off a wicked hangover and trying not to vomit as he stares dejectedly at his textbook, praying that the words on the page will magically make sense.  Sighing probably too dramatically, he pulls his notebook towards himself and copies down another problem, working through it at a snail’s pace before checking the answer in the back of the book…

...And it’s wrong.  Again.  Fuck.

He groans, dropping his head down and thumping it a few times against the table.  It makes his head hurt worse, so he stops, inwardly reviewing all the ways he’s a fucking dumbass who shouldn’t be in college, because college is hard.  

And fuck multivariable calculus.

Just kidding, sorry, Race thinks, I love you, multivar.  

“Doing okay?” 

Race looks up too fast, groaning again at the movement.  Albert’s hovering across the table from him, backpack slung on his back and iced coffee in hand, an amused smirk resting on his face.  He looks entirely too awake for a 10 am on a Sunday, but then again he wasn’t drinking last night.  

“Depends,” Race answers, apparently too hungover to be too affected by Albert’s presence, “Are surface integrals really worth my sweat and tears?”

“For our major, yes,” Albert says, “Mind if I sit?”

Race waves him off, dropping his head back onto the table, “Go ahead.  What’re you doing up so early?”

“Same as you it seems,” Race can hear him taking out his books, “Guess we all got a little behind on calc homework.”

“Guess so,” Race forces himself to sit back up, “I don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get?”

“Any of it,” Race feels his stress start to peak, “I haven’t gotten a single fucking problem right and I’ve been here since fucking 8 and really, I don’t know why I did that to myself, ‘cause I was up ‘til god knows when last night dri-” He cuts off, eyeing Albert warily.  

Albert shakes his head, “It’s okay, call me a bad RA, but as long as you all are being safe with it and there are no complaints, do what you want.”

Race nods, “Well, then, yeah.  So, I was up ‘til god knows when and now I’m hungover, but I gotta spend more time on this fucking class so I don’t fail this unit, because I’ve never failed a unit of math before and I don’t wanna start now, because then I’ll fail everything and fail out of college and-”

“Whoa,” Albert reaches across the table and places a hand on Race’s forearm, “Slow down, dude, breathe,” he waits for Race to take a deep breath, “It’s going to be alright, man.  Everyone’s got a bad unit, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail it all.  Just gotta make a game plan.  I’m decent at this stuff if you want some help? I can’t say I’m as good as a TA or something might be, but I can help you get this assignment done.”

Race takes another deep breath, trying not to focus on Albert’s lingering grip on his arm.  Albert seems to come back to himself though, because he clears his throat, coloring a little as he squeezes Race’s arm and lets go.

“Sorry,” Race says sheepishly, “Didn’t mean to lose it there.”

“Happens to the best of us.”

And there’s Albert again, putting Race at ease with the tone of his voice alone.  Fucking magic, Race swears.

Maybe it’s an RA thing.  They all seem to have that scarily open demeanor.  Race could never.

“You don’t gotta help me, man,” Race says, “I’d feel bad making you-”

“Don’t,” Albert says, smiling.  Jeez, does he ever stop smiling? “You’re not making me do anything, I offered.  Plus, I gotta get this shit done, too.  We’d really just be doing it together.  It’s better practice to go in depth anyway.”

A swell of admiration grips Race and he has to look back down at his notebook to keep from doing something stupid like kiss Albert or something.  

“C’mon,” Albert prompts lightly, scooching so he’s next to Race instead of across from him and knocking their knees together.  Race tries not to lean into the touch, “What’s the first problem? 34?”

They work through the math at a steady pace, and with Albert’s instruction (which lacks a certain condescending air that Spot always gets when he tries to help Race out), Race starts to understand the content better.  He’ll still need to go to office hours, probably, but for the moment, he feels less panicked.  

By the time they’re finished, their bodies are pressed together from shoulder to thigh, both of them hunched over their work only inches apart.  Race tries not to stare, but he can’t help but notice the way Albert bites his lip and narrows his eyes when he’s focused.  Even with his guard down, he’s magnetic- effortlessly charming.  He must feel Race looking, because he glances up from where he’s completing the final problem.  They’re very close- too close, really and Race can see him flick his gaze down to his lips for a second before locking on his eyes.  In his peripheral, Race can see his ears color.  He’s a blusher, Race has come to realize.  It’s kind of precious.

“Thanks,” Race says, unable to stand the growing tension.  

Albert blinks a couple times, eyes clearing, “Yeah, no prob.”

“Like, really, thanks.  I get it more now and I’m infinitely less stressed.”

Albert grins, “I’m really glad.”

It’s quiet for another second, then Race shifts, glancing at his watch and realizing he’s done with homework and it’s not even 1:00 pm yet.

“Shit, what time is it,” Albert asks, leaning in again to look at Race’s watch, “Fuck, I have duty in a half hour, I gotta go.”

Race tries not to feel disappointed at the prospect of Albert leaving, “Yeah, I might try to go back to sleep to be honest.”

Albert laughs, “Good plan, drink water.”

“Will do.”

They pack up in silence and walk out of the library, pausing again when they get back to their hall.  

“Obviously fuck math, but I had fun hanging out with you,” Albert says.

Race feels his heartbeat pick up, “I had fun too.”

There’s another pause, this time a little more loaded, then Albert claps him on the shoulder, “Catch those Zs, bro, I’ll see you around.”

“See you.” Race says, waving as Albert begins to head down the hall.

“Don’t forget to eat!”

“I won’t.”

Albert turns around, fixing him with a playfully serious glare, “Promise me, Higgins.  Can’t have any residents sick if I have something to do with it.”

Race laughs, “I promise.”

“Good,” Albert winks and Race feels himself blush down to his chest.

3.

“Albert?”

The situation feels oddly flipped when Race walks into Panera to find Albert slumped at a table, head in his hands and knee bouncing rapidly under the table.  It’s a Tuesday afternoon and Race figured he’d grab his weekly cup of broccoli cheddar soup before english.

Albert lifts his head from his hands and Race feels his concern grow when he notices the red that rims his eyes.  He’s only ever seen Albert cool and collected, but he supposes even freakishly bubbly people have bad days, too.

“Hey, Race,” Albert tries to smile at him, but it falls short, “What’s up? You okay?”

“I’m good,” Race says, “Just grabbing a bite.  What about you?  Are you okay?”

Albert deflates a little, dropping his eyes down to his laptop, “I’m alright.”

“You sure?” Race ventures.  Fuck it, he thinks and sits down, “You’re looking a little stressed.  Is something up?”

He sincerely hopes he isn’t pushing boundaries here, but Albert looks like he needs a friend right now.  Or maybe a shot of really strong tequila.  Or both.

Albert shrugs, letting out a breath.  It sounds shaky and shallow.  He fixes Race with a self-deprecating smile.

“Shouldn’t this be the other way around?”

“Hey, man, just because you’re an RA doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help or some bullshit.  I’m not gonna make you talk to me or anything, that would be shitty, but I’m here for you and so’s everyone else on the floor.  If something’s bothering you, then it’s valid and you deserve support.”

Albert has such a starkly vulnerable look in his eyes that Race almost has to look away.  The corners of his lips are turned down and his eyes are wide and almost pleading and he looks so goddamn defeated and beautiful at the same time and Race really wants to hug him.

Albert’s jaw shifts and he turns his gaze down towards his hands.  His voice cracks a bit when he says, “I’m technically here on a hockey scholarship, right?” Race nods and Albert continues, “And our team is losing national ranking, ‘cause our new coach fucking sucks, so I might lose aspects of that scholarship and my parents can’t pay for my tuition on their own and-” he stops, shaking his head, “I’m scared, I think.  I don’t wanna have to drop out or something.”

Race takes a moment to mull over a good response and reaches across the table, hoping he’s been reading their interactions correctly as he places a hand over Albert’s.  To his relief (and delight) Albert flips his hand so their fingers are laced together.  

Race squeezes it encouragingly, “I can’t promise you that everything will be alright and I can’t make you false reassurances, but I bet if you talked to the financial aid office, they could help you figure out a plan?  But throughout all of this, I’m going to be here for you, alright?  Anything you need, just let me know.  If that’s a place to talk shit out, I gotchu, but I’m also here if you just need a friend.  I’m here for you, Al.”

Albert’s looking at him again, that same vulnerable look on his face, but something else is there a well.  Something softer underlying the worry lines on his face.

“Next semester I’m not going to be an RA anymore.” He blurts.

Race blinks, “Alright?”

Albert huffs out a laugh, “Sorry, I mean like,” he shakes himself, starting over, “I like you, Race.”

Race’s stomach jolts, “Wait, really?”

“Yeah,” Albert says slowly.  They’re hands are still linked together and Race can feel Albert’s hand sweating.  Or maybe that’s his.  Fuck, they both seem keyed up.

“Fuck, I mean, Albert, I like you too.  Have since the beginning of the semester,” Race knows he’s talking too fast, but the smile on Albert’s face tells him it doesn’t matter.

“Yeah?” And Albert looks so damn appeased that Race laughs.

“Yeah.”

“So, if I’m not an RA next semester, then we could…”

“You tryna ask me out, Dasilva?” Race asks, a teasing lilt to his tone.

“Eventually, yes I am,” Albert says.

On a whim, Race lifts Albert’s hand to his lips, kissing the knuckles.  

“After Winter break, I’m taking you to that thai place in town.”

Albert’s smile takes on a genuinity that Race hasn’t seen before, “I’d like that.”

A month later...

“Feels good to actually be able to, like, do this shit publicly.”

Race leans in, pressing a kiss to Albert’s chin.  They’re in the library, trying to get ahead of their physics homework before it picks up too much.  Technically, they’d gotten together after admitting to liking each other last semester, but they weren’t allowed to have a relationship until Albert was out of his RA position.

“Yeah, that was like some star crossed lovers bullshit,” Albert laughs, “Hiding you in my dorm room and stealing kisses in dark hallways.”

“How romantic,” Race teases.

“I know.”

They kiss for real, both leaning into it.  Race feels Albert grip his arm right above his elbow, rubbing his thumb in circles around his bicep.  In turn, he brushes Albert’s hair behind his ears, tilting his jaw to deepen the kiss.

They pull apart and lean their foreheads together, smiling.

“I’m thinking about becoming an RA next semester,” Race murmurs.

Albert pulls back, looking alarmed until he sees the smirk on Race’s face, “you ass, I actually believed you!”

“Pfft, I wouldn’t do that when we just got this,” Race says, pulling Albert back in and kissing him again, “I like you too much.”

Albert smiles, giddy and exultant, “I like you, too, I think.”

“You think?”

“I know, I think.”

Race swats him, “Be serious and love me.”

They both freeze, the weight of the words they have yet to actually say suddenly hanging in the air.

Albert sobers up, taking Race’s hand, “I do love you.  A lot, actually.”

And really, that’s unfair, because sometimes Race still gets so goddamn enamored by Albert and he can’t really believe he actually likes him back and he can feel his face flushing and oh god, he’s not going to revert back to incoherence is he? Oh god-

“Don’t have an aneurysm,” Albert says, kissing his nose, “I love you.  That’s all.”

When Race smiles, it feels too big for his face, “I love you, too.”

END

-

thanks for reading, chiefs

yell at me to start writing again cuz i really been slacking

hmu to be added to my tag

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[mousehole5000]

reading tgcf chapters 72 - 88 end of book 2. body horror kind of in this one. if you know you know and i did include an excerpt of it

i didnt take any notes from 72-76 but uhhhh shit has hit the fan

fuuuuuuck. but he couldnt get there fast enough and then THAT happened to that family FUCK :(

xie lian has indeed been greatly sheltered and this is a painful if inevitable moment. very curious about where he goes from here :(

:pensive: the universe has its own rhythm. perhaps it does but im wondering if this is part of it orrrrrrr

wait theres a girl. shes pretty. feng xin is impressed by her this is a first. is she going to be important? is it too much to ask for? to see a girl do things?

xie lian and the king... i sad. but the anger is real from both sides regardless of their arguments. i sad

ahhh flashbacks to religious studies. read a whole essay about contagion magic vs similarity magic. pretty sure it was by one of those early anthropologists who were ummm racist but this is definitely a thing that people do

damn so xie lian’s first experience of killing anyone was during the revolt and he killed thousands. wow. “mere ants” like those crushed for him by servants. hoooo boy

:pleading: hes so good and im so sad for him to painfully learn that just being good isn’t enough

awwwww. </3

ohhh wait i think the epub version doesnt spoiler out the authors notes awwww i was enjoying the mystery but okay. not sure if i would have guessed this without tbh theres a lot of kids (2) running around with bandages in this book. but i guess the saber thing isnt likely to be anything else. also ohhhhhhhhh hong hong-er... little reddie... ah i see now :(

land of the tender; body of gold hard pressed against desire. hmmmm. im. hmmm. remember that scene with the prostitute in ghost city and how i was glad it ended quickly? i miss those days. i mean murderous desires/lustful desires okay sure thats something fine but. hmm not so sure how i feel about the rest of this. and the hair thing has significance according to the notes. i mean. hmm. moving on for now. ive seen spoilers for more about hualian’s relationship but im gonna wait to comment on it until i know everything

i would actually be curious to see feng xin and mu qing interact without xie lian when theyre still having to work together i wonder if they are more chill or less chill bc clearly feng xin cares a lot about xie lian and im wondering what theyre like with each other without him around. to be fair tho since theyre his generals im not sure if theres much room for that

human face disease time. oh boy. things really are only getting worse. im also suspecting that this disease was intentionally brought into the city to hasten its downfall but we shall see

saving this for the illustration of the differences between feng xin and mu qing. not sure what it says about me but im finding mu qing relatable that is 100% what i would do but i feel much more fond of feng xin. interesting

thank you for being a beacon of amusement in these trying times. distract your bickering friends by forcing them to play improv games. also the differences between fx and mq continue to interest me

awfully convenient there guoshi. i have to say that its looking more and more like the bad shit thats happening in xianle was actually not to do with xie lian. the fact that the yong’an rebels were being supplied? whatever the fuck is going on with lang ying.... i could be wrong but thats what im thinking im wondering how much of this was already laid out or at the very least poised to happen before xie lian intervened

here it comes this is the unsettling body horror bit

BRUHHHHHHHH. HORRIFIC. IM SORRY BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IT IN ADAPTATION FOR THE CHILLS IT WOULD GIVE ME.

hmmm after this its mu qing who is like “hey ummm you kinda just chopped that guy’s leg off when he hadn’t actually asked you to. kinda fucked up also could definitely turn on you” makes sense that it was mu qing who said that he’s clearly very smart and bc of his background he’s more likely to think of things from a different perspective than xie lian and feng xin. he’s been scornful of commoners before but he definitely understands them more so than the other two

just when i thought this couldnt get more horrific. no rest for anyone what an awful fate

saving this as a note on mu qing as a character and his attitude towards xie lian. what xie lian says here about the curse is interesting. the faces/souls vs the ones they are infecting. its awful for both of them and neither are the only truly at fault theyre being pit against each other

its telling that mu qing is the one who is telling xie lian that line about there not being a second cup of water. also BIG ARGUMENT im bookmarking this to come back to in the present day

looks like celestial palace is coming down and im bitterly remembering the fact that xie lian toppled his own statue earlier to let lang ying get away... who then presumably planted the curse.... sighs

the bits with xie lian’s parents made me tear up. this is, what the kids call, relatable.

hmmm dont think feng xin is always going to feel this way lmao

oohh that is a cool image

i.... sad. and so book 2 ends!!! im wondering when we find out exactly how the split between our trio went down. im sure its sad

politically im still not sure exactly what the message is trying to be i mean obviously theres corruption that completely throws the poor under the bus but so far its also been clear that xie lian actually cant do anything about it. but!!! also xie lian doesnt understand a lot about the world, he’s been sheltered and he’s a prince and he wants to save the world and i love him for that but he hasn’t seen what the reality of life is for a lot of people he’s looking at everything from the position of the nobility and even with all his kindness i dont think thats ever enough to bring about meaningful change. how can it? idk but we still got a LONG ways to go