#its going to hurt tomorrow though the dentist said

[chocolatecake47]

i got my motion brackets in today and now i have to wear elastics on my teeth for 6 months 😭

took me like three years to commit to this though so at least i finally got them 🤷🏽‍♀️

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 2001 Mom had an unfortunate, yet funny experience on her birthday a couple of days ago. They were leaving her home alone on Wednesdays, but not anymore! She was drawing with charcoal, then decided to go outside to dust it off. She’s not supposed to go outside, but she did anyway, and she tripped and fell. She managed to crawl back into the house but couldn’t see the phone numbers, so she got the operator to call Dave at work for her. She asked if he’d come pick her up and Dave said he couldn’t. So he called Mary and told her she wanted to be picked up. Mary was like, “What do you mean she wants to be picked up? She’s not even at the center. She’s home.” Then Dave was like – that’s right, she is!

This weekend I’m hoping we can go over there because their Internet connection is lightning fast, and they have a brand-new CD burner that allows them to burn CDs quickly, without it being hit or miss, and usually miss, like ours. I swear, every machine we have is either broken, or has something wrong with it where it works, but not as it should. My new printer won’t do envelopes. The question is – will I hex their CD burner? I want to make CDs of MP3 files so I can have a lot of the songs I’ve accumulated on tape on CD which sounds much better.

Amazingly, I had not one appointment all week, but I’m booked up for the next 3 weeks. Gotta see Apple Cheeks next week and the week after. Then the week after that I go to the dentist, although I’m looking forward to that one and getting these teeth permanently retained.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2001 I don’t know what I wish more right now; that Teddy Bear was with me, or that Tom and I were sound asleep in the middle of nowhere, drifting on the ocean, knowing that the radar would sense any approaching ships, sounding off its alarm to warn us.

I spoke to Gina yesterday, who called to let me know I have 25 hours for the month of August. I have just 18 hours left, and she said Tom could pick up bottles this Saturday when he drops off recyclable stuff, even though it’s not my week, cuz there are tons of bottles.

We also got to talking a bit about my case.

“Publish that book,” she says! “It’s a topic that needs to be addressed more.”

I’d have to edit out too much shit to publish it. If I can’t tell a story like it is, then it’s not worth telling.

So, do I think the freeloaders know I’m almost done with my community service? Sure I do. I’m sure they’re given regular little report cards along the way.

Today’s Tom’s mom’s birthday. She’s 78.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 28, 2001 Oh, Teddy Bear, I miss you so bad at times it hurts! My eyes sting with tears. A part of me wishes we’d never met. It’d be easier, that’s for sure. I totally regret not being able to be with her just as much as I have no regrets about marrying Tom. This goes beyond my wanting her between my legs; I fell in love with her. Completely and utterly in love with her.

I was bummed not to get a letter from Mary yesterday, but I know I will sooner or later. I was thinking about how she said they might make a movie about her case, and you know, I’m really surprised they haven’t made one about my case. Hers is certainly far more movie material than mine, but with all the media attention it’s already gotten, a movie wouldn’t surprise me. Anything and everything is entertainment these days. It doesn’t matter how serious or how petty it is.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 24, 2001 Just got out of the tub which the freeloaders take over tomorrow. It’s looking like I’m going to be right about finishing the community service in September, then the freeloaders will let me have my tub back for good (I hope!).

I back-combed my long bangs to poof them out, threw my hair in a braid (just below the waist when pulled straight), and now I’m ready to finish off the night with reading, writing and music. I already did my workout.

They definitely would’ve called by now if my thyroid was out of whack, so I’m just naturally heavy like most people over 30. To keep my weight from going any higher, I’ll still have between 1000-1200 calories, with the exception of my weekly treat, and I’ll still work at building muscle, but I have no choice but to accept the fact that I’ll be between 115-120 pounds indefinitely.

Autumn, the doll that Mary and Dave got me for Christmas, has arms that are bent, so I put the little teddy bear that the first doll I got (the one I stole at the Vista) had in the crook of her arm and packed the other doll away. I’m sick of that old doll.

I looked at all my dolls and decided which ones I’d take and which ones I’d leave behind if we were going on the boat now. About half of them would go.

I want my Teddy Bear. Oh, how I still miss that woman! I lust for her, and yes, I did fall in love with her. I really really love her! I can’t keep from wondering, though – does she miss me, too? Does she think of me hour after hour, day after day? Is she single or not?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 23, 2001 I was thinking earlier how in all the apartments I’ve had in Arizona, I never got any complaints about blasting my music. Back east, though, I always did. Well, now I most certainly understand why! I couldn’t know at the time, though, while I was in the Arizona apartments that I was just being a normal, typical Arizonan, doing what was expected of me – sharing my music with those around me. Back east, though, this is not tolerated.

There was a dead scorpion on the floor of my office. This one was little and appeared to have been dead for weeks cuz of the way it crumbled when Tom picked it up, but how did it suddenly get there? I would’ve noticed it before.

This night is slowly dragging by (I got up at 4 PM). I guess I’ll just mainly do proofreading as well as regular reading and listening to music. At least I’m free, home, and freeloaderless, if I’m not on the boat yet, and even if I miss Teddy Bear, Mary, Rosa, Palma, Pérez, Chambers, Espi and Temple.

The pain in my knees seems to have gotten worse lately. I’m beginning to wonder when and if it’ll ever go away.

I thought that I’d make a little addition to Teddy Bear’s copy of the jailhouse journal just to be funny and to see how closely she reads it. I’d assume, though, that she’d read the whole thing pretty thoroughly. And get a kick out of most of it. Especially the parts pertaining to her. Anyway, I’m going to add that besides living in Georgia, she also told me she lived in Canada. You never know. It may just turn out that she really did!

I scanned Mary’s picture and printed out a few copies for her. That way, she’ll have copies to give to others if she wants to. I let her know I’d do this with any picture she wanted me to.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22, 2001 Tom let them have it at work for using him. They’re totally taking advantage of him and ripping him off. He was supposed to get time off for overtime once he got salary pay, but instead, they’re running him ragged, working him overtime, and not giving him time off. He put his foot down today and let them know - this is ridiculous!

He saw his mom after work. I gave them all a bunch of puzzles and she gave Tom a couple to give to me. I started one earlier.

Tom also planted the seeds. Meaning, he told Mom how much I like Pepper, telling her not to tell Mary, knowing that she will anyway. That way she won’t feel put on the spot and like she has to make a decision right away as she would if it came directly from us.

They’re also getting a truck, and since we’ll never have one at the rate we’re going, they offered to let us use it anytime we want. That was very nice of them, and we appreciate the offer.

Now I’ll explain what I meant by “the boat.” Tom had the grandest idea yet on our way to Helen’s yesterday. Instead of buying other land elsewhere if we make a lot of money selling this place if the area builds up as I predicted, we could buy a boat and make our home the south Pacific Ocean! Oh, how I’d love that! That’d really be escaping civilization, that’s for sure! No people, no traffic, no spiders, no scorpions, no ants, no pigs, no freeloaders, no off-brands, no laws. Just Tom, whatever we have for pets at the time, fresh air, sky and water (burglars would be impossible)! I just hope we don’t have to wait 20 years to do it. Tom’s going to check into how much boats cost. I would think they wouldn’t really cost any more or less than houses on land do. Naturally, we couldn’t do this unless we could afford for Tom not to work. Hopefully, though, we won’t have to wait till he’s retired. We’d buy the boat outright, then our only expenses would be food, which we’d buy in bulk quantities (we’d get powdered milk instead of regular milk), and the fuel to run the generator for electricity. We’d probably have some type of cell phone, which is now capable of being functional in the middle of the ocean. We wouldn’t be able to have TV, though. A satellite needs to point in the same direction all the time, and we sure as hell couldn’t pick up cable TV out there. Although he’d miss TV, and I’d miss it for the music channels, he says he’d still have his computers and other things, as would I.

We’d have to do email for everything. Nobody could get mail to us, but I suppose we could get a PO Box somewhere in Hawaii, New Zealand or Australia.

I was surprised when Tom mentioned this. For some reason, I had always been under the impression that he didn’t like oceans and tropical climates. I love tropical as much as the desert. Maybe more. It’s the cold and the snow that I don’t miss! It may get a little nippy out at sea at times, but I don’t care. It’s a dream I intend to fulfill someday, and I think I can, too. It’s a material dream. It’s the “action” dreams like being a singer that don’t come true for me, although my Teddy Bear is no “thing.”

She and Mary are my only concerns, but who can say what kind of a relationship, if any, I’ll have with them at the time? It’s too soon to worry about that, as much as I wish Teddy Bear could be a part of my life forever. Again, that’s just not reasonable being with Tom. If I were single, then yes, perhaps we could have a life together, but I can’t expect her to always have a part-time fling going with me and not settle down with someone who can live with her and be with her full-time. Also, if I had to choose between her and the boat with Tom, you know I have to choose the boat with Tom. I wouldn’t think twice about that one.

What’ll be so cool is the constantly changing view. Here, although the view is gorgeous, it never changes. It’ll be similar, though, cuz for the most part, all we’ll see is water.

Because boats have built-in furniture, which you have to have for obvious reasons, we wouldn’t take a thing with us furniture-wise. We’d take the Bowflex, though, of course, and our personal shit. Not all of it, though. Breakables will have to be secured, which would be a bit of a bitch, so I’d probably leave my least favorite cheap dolls behind, as well as some knickknacks. We’d have an open-house tag sale. I may not even do mice on the boat. Rats, though, I’ll always have.

I wish we could do this before 10/2003 and stiff the black bitch, but I know that’s just a dream! They’d be so pissed too, if I absconded.

Someday, some future occupant of this house is going to be in for a surprise if they peel the Velcro panel off the side of the tub and discover the goodies I’m leaving behind – a few knickknacks I don’t want, an old ugly purse, a journal page, and some ugly material ma gave me. At each end of the tub, there’s a Velcro panel. The one by the faucet is where you can see the plumbing and all that, but the one towards the back of the tub is just hollow space.

Two mice broke out of one of the cages. As soon as we got back from Helen’s, I spotted one white mouse running across the bedroom, and another one pulled itself up on top of the maze. The maze sits on top of the small tank, and apparently, I hadn’t centered it, so there were gaps big enough for them to squeeze through. I could tell they broke out right before I got home. The animals aren’t used to me being out, as many appointments as I have, and it was around feeding time.

Little Buddy still comes out to run around and play with me a few times a day, and Teddy Bear screams at me all night long.

So I was right. When we moved, I was pretty much under the impression that this would be our last move. When we got here, though, I knew I was wrong. At least it’ll be a beautiful place and house to live in till we do sail to sea!

Serenity. That’s going to be our boat’s name.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21, 2001 Better do some updating before I fall behind.

Later on, I have to go see Helen. Meanwhile, I had two appointments yesterday. I was in and out for blood work. It was the surprise urine sample they wanted that held me up, but it worked out OK because I had time to kill anyway between the two appointments. Still, if the doctor had told me that they’d want urine, I’d have drunk a lot beforehand. We sat at a table near the vending machines while I guzzled strawberry/kiwi punch till I could go.

Again, this dentist is way better. She has a rapid, high-pitched voice that’s a bit obnoxious, but she’s very friendly, telling me I’m a good patient, and she does a good job. She filled my fillings quickly and painlessly, taking the time to tell me what she was doing, step by step.

I had commented on it being cold in there, then went to the bathroom in between the two fillings I had done (one was to repair a loose one). When I returned, I found that they were kind enough to give me a blanket!

I can’t wait till September 17th. That’ll be the day I’ll not only get the custom-made trays for the fluoride and bleach treatments but both upper and lower teeth will be permanently arched! It’ll take 3 installments of $130, though. Hopefully, I’ll never have to put so much money in my mouth again!

After the dentist, we went to Mary’s. Of course, Mary and Dave were at work and Ma was at daycare. We did wait around to see them, though. We hit the pool and Pepper was so funny. I like that dog more and more each time I see him, and I think that in a year or so if we get fences and a doggie door, that dog will be ours. Tom says Mary would hand him over to us the second we said the word. He follows me around a lot and sits by my feet. He’s a 40-pound black cocker spaniel. They got him from the Humane Society. He was a lot of fun when we were swimming, lapping up the water as I’d make waves by jumping off the diving board. I even dived too, which Mary says is scary. Anyway, poor Pepper ended up throwing up all that chlorinated pool water he drank. He took a shit too, in the house that Tom stepped on.

I got two letters from Mary in which she enclosed a picture the media took in one of them. It’s a nice picture, too. Her makeup looks nice. Nice full lips I wish I had. Her red hair tips were brown, though. Upon the suggestion of her lawyer, she’d take brown crayons prior to every court appearance and color the red part brown to match the rest of it. She looks awfully thin, though. In the picture, her lawyer sits next to her, but I cropped him out and put her in a small frame in the den.

She says she didn’t flee to Florida with “Monster.” Monster went first to try to escape his child abuse charges, and then she met up with him later. I’d certainly believe her before I believed anything the media said.

She also says she’s in 4 now, and her only celly at the moment is Nancy, who’s facing 30-50 years and goes to trial on the 20th (yesterday). I was shocked when I heard 30-50 years! I thought it was more like 7.

Marla went to the tents and then to Alpha, and Laticia goes home in a couple of months to do 7 years of intense probation. She too, doesn’t care for Laticia and her loud, rude, obnoxious ways. She says she’s a snitch, too (I believe it). Then she told me something concerning Laticia and Teresa. I thought these bitches were buddies, but they’ve obviously turned on each other from what it sounds like. I couldn’t quite understand what Mary was telling me, though. Something about Teresa writing some letter that Laticia snitched on her for, getting her into more trouble. The men in black and the FBI came and tore up her cell and interrogated her cellmates.

So, of the people I knew, Laticia, Teresa, Marla, and Nancy are still there. There’s probably more. I’ll bet Becky’s still there, too.

She says the DOs that usually do 1st shift are Tomaszewski, Toye, Hudgens, and Vasquez.

So Toye and Hudgens are no longer 2nd and 3rd shifts, huh? So many DOs have switched shifts. She didn’t mention Teddy Bear, so I asked her if she’s still on 2nd shift on her usual day of Monday. I kind of wish she’d switch to 1st shift. Because I’m not a morning person, we could hang out together after work if she wanted to. The only problem with that is that that’s when Tom’s home and she couldn’t stay up late with me if she had to be at work early. It’d be ideal if she was 1st shift and Tom was 2nd or 3rd.

She says 3rd shift is all new except for Jones (I asked her if Pérez ever switched to 2nd shift like she mentioned), there are a few new 2nd shift DOs, but Gibb works a lot, too.

Then she had me laughing my ass off after she said, “It’s Gibb, isn’t it?” I was like, Gibb? Gibb??? Gotta guess a little taller than that, Mary!

I don’t know why in the world she thinks it’s Gibb. She begged for a hint, so I told her she has a slight southern drawl. It’s very slight, but it’s there.

She says that although she still wants to get a book out there, she’s been having writer’s block. Also, they may make a movie about her case, which would be too bad, since they’d plug in whatever they wanted into the story. It’d be best if she got a book out so that there could be a true version of her story, although folks are always going to believe what they want to believe.

Later…

Saw Helen. I asked for her feedback about the fact that Tom and I haven’t had sex since I’ve been out. I explained to her that neither of us has been interested in that, although we still love each other. She said she’s heard people tell her that their relationships have evolved into platonic relationships after being together for many years. She said that as long as we’re both happy, why worry about or try to change what works for us? She said if it works for us both, it’s fine.

That’s what I figured she’d say, but I just wanted to make sure. I agree with her, too. She did say, though, to let Tom know that I’m open to discussion about it should he decide to bring it up in the future.

Of course. I’m up to discussing anything.

Anyway, Helen assured me I wasn’t neglecting him and that he’s a big boy who can speak up and come to me if he wants to do anything, and I believe this. For now, if we’re happy as we are, that’s all that matters, and I won’t bring the subject up unless he does, though Helen urges me to go to him if I want it. We’ll see. Who knows how I’ll feel down the road?

He told me earlier he was confused about us sleeping together. I had thought he said he wanted to do this when I got out, but then he said I didn’t want to. Well, let’s put it this way. I’m not going to say we’ll never try sleeping together, but for now, with my having so many appointments, I’d rather wait. I probably could get back to sleep at this point if he kept waking me up. I just didn’t think this was a good time to try. If I could ever get my appointments down, then maybe. Or better yet, I’d like to wait till we get to the boat cuz boats move all the time (I’ll explain the ‘boat’ later), which I’m hoping won’t take too many years. Since we’re platonic, and appearing more and more like we’re going to settle into being that way indefinitely or forever, there’s no hurry. Hell, my grandparents never slept together. A lot of couples don’t. Either way, we know we’ll both always love each other, and again, that’s what it all comes down to. That’s what’s most important. Where we sleep is secondary to that. I love him whether or not he sleeps 3” or 70’ away from me.

Helen also read this thing to me, explaining the difference between anger and rage and its destructiveness. She also read to me the positive side of anger and how it sometimes helps to motivate us.

We also talked about how I’m afraid to succeed for fear of someone ruining my accomplishments or stealing them from me altogether.

After Helen’s, we stopped at that pet store to pick up sawdust. Pine and cedar bedding are supposed to be bad for critters, so we’re trying something new. It’s 100% recycled paper. It’s tiny clumps that look like gray gravel. It’s almost damp-like. So far, I like how it’s dust-free, but time will tell if it really lasts twice as long and how well it absorbs piss and odors.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19, 2001 It’s looking less and less likely, at least to me, that I’ll be getting any kind of a home job. Thanks to the freeloaders, there’s only so much I can do anyway, as a convicted felon. Tom still thinks I ought to try to write for profit, and that we could still do farming, but I don’t see it. Besides, I’m afraid to set goals for myself and to set out to do any particular thing because that’s never worked for me in the past. Besides, I’ve been a homemaker for so long that it’s obviously what I’m meant to be. I wouldn’t have been this way this long if it weren’t for a reason, and because I’ve been this way as long as I have, it seems unlikely that it’d change.

Anyway, I’ll be the bored homemaker that I was before the freeloaders took over my life, but at least I’ll be a free one. Not totally free, though. Not for a couple of years yet. I still gotta do this for them and do that for them. What I’m saying is I’d rather be bored in the comfort of my own big, beautiful home, than cramped in a jail cell with cellies that are loud, rude and obnoxious, waking me up all the time, along with the nurse screaming, “Are you OK?” And the clothes exchanges. And the 8:00 hour outs for scalding hot or ice-cold showers. And the cold, starchy food.

I think another thing that’s got me hesitant to get into things like writing, besides the fact that I don’t think I’m good enough, know that publishing’s a bitch, and don’t feel it’s meant to be, is because if I did succeed, I know it’d just be a matter of time before somebody came and tore down whatever success I built up for myself. It’s like – why work out faithfully when the freeloaders may come and tear down all the muscles I built up by having me thrown in jail for half a year? Why get a farm going when the freeloaders could come and kill all the animals?

I know it’s a shitty attitude to have and that’s letting them win and stop me from living life (whenever I get the opportunity to do so), but I can’t help but feel the way I do.

The queen of appointments here has two appointments tomorrow, and amazingly enough, none are for the freeloaders. I’m getting blood drawn, then I’m going to the dentist. After that, we’re going to go swimming at Mary’s.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18, 2001 Got up at noon today. We dropped some bottles off, sprayed the outside of the doors/windows (there were 3 spiders in here last night), put gas in the car, got us each a blizzard from Dairy Queen, headed home and now another tire is leaking air.

We think we know where the mice broke in. Probably through the vent in the bathroom area. That’s where I initially heard the chewing sounds, and besides, I could feel air coming through an outlet in that area when the AC was on. Leave it to us to have this happen. I’ll bet if we asked every single owner of a manufactured home within a 20-mile radius, no one would say they had anything like that happen to them.

Tom did some cleaning on my computer and I did some housecleaning. I also changed the pig and the rats. Now all I have to do is work out. I decided to work out every day, rather than alternate between upper body one day and lower body the next. It’s not like I’m working each muscle for an hour, so it won’t be too much for me. It’s just that I know I’m not going to lose the fat, so I may as well concentrate on getting as strong as I can and building up as much muscle as I can.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17, 2001 Got a picture of Mary attached to her email to me.

Yesterday, when my alarm went off at 10:00, I was having one of those typical jail dreams I have periodically. Not where I’m being thrown back in there, but where I never left. In the dream, I was alone in what appeared to be a nice, comfortable room, rather than a cell. A DO I’d never seen before came in asking why I was in Ad-Seg. I knew I had a month left to go. In fact, my release date was something like March 6th. I tried to make up any excuse I could, but she insisted I return to general pop and told me to roll up. Suddenly, I was milling about as if I were some trustee when the alarm went off. I hit the snooze button and fell back asleep, hoping that the dream would continue so I could see if I was thrown in the tents or the dorms and it did. I realized, in the dream, that it had been a few hours since my moving was mentioned and hoped that they had forgotten about it, but they didn’t. Just as I was thinking this, though, a voice over a loudspeaker told me to roll up. Then I awoke again before I could protest or find out where I was going.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15, 2001 Apple Cheeks came today at 10:30, a half-hour after I woke up. I know I’m in for a drug test next time I report. He was telling me to always bring my meds with me in case he has to test me.

I shredded a bunch of old journal printouts for the mice to use as nesting, and boy was I wrong when I saw that upon sending the journals to the welfare bums, I said that cops act on actions and not words. Not in this state! It used to be that way, though, and it probably still is in most places.

The toys came today. I thought I ordered 2 vibrators, but I guess not, according to the invoice. I still got 2 anyway, because one of them was a freebie. We also got a video and some raspberry warming massage gel. Teddy Bear could put it on my clitty and lick it off!

Not that I mind since it’s mutual, but Tom shows no more desire for sex with me than I do with him. No apparent interest in sleeping together, either. I wonder why he said he was so excited about it. I guess he was just being what he felt was “polite,” so to speak. The proper thing to say, I guess. I guess for some people, it’s easier to say that than to admit you’re not interested, but he’s never been all that interested anyway. I can tell he’s been this way all his life, too. This isn’t usually something that you acquire with age. I wonder if any of his exes ever left him over his lack of appetite and lack of cumming. I’d think he’d tell me if they did, but maybe not. That’s not an easy thing to admit, either. He didn’t admit up front how he was sexually. He just waited till I found out for myself. At least I know he still loves me, despite what he may or may not feel in regard to sex.

I was thinking last night how his room still needed a nightstand, and then I glanced over at the little shelves in my room on the other side of the bed and realized it was a waste having it sit there just to hold a couple of dolls, some books and a few knickknacks when it could serve as a nightstand in that room. So, I moved it in there today and rearranged a lot of the rooms in general. Actually, just our rooms and my office.

MONDAY, AUGUST 13, 2001 Another scorpion down. I was working out when I noticed it. This one was huge! It was twice as big as the other one I killed, nearly 3” long. It was on the living room windowsill.

Saw Dr. Rose today. He gave me refills on the nasal spray and inhaler. In place of the Theo, he’s giving me an inhaler I used to take a while back. He’s also sending me for blood work to run tests to see if I’ve got anything going on that’s been causing the ridges in my nails, or if it’s just the way I am. It’s probably just the way I am, but we’ll see. This test also tests the thyroid, too.

Afterward, we went to Walgreens. I got another sports bra, a pair of panties, and glitter nail polish that turns from fuchsia to pink as your body heat warms it. Run your fingers under cold water, and it’s bright pink again! It’s pretty cool. I put some on Bailey’s nails and Angel’s lips.

I also got a new Barbie in a 2-piece bathing suit with bold colors – pink, lime green and purple. At first I didn’t think it was all that different from my others, but not only is her hairstyle slightly different, but she’s got a sculpted belly with a belly button and all.

Tom said that according to the prints on the ground, the horses that were here were not wild horses because they were wearing shoes.

People let their dogs roam loose out here, so why not their horses, too?

I noticed that some of the male babies’ balls are dropping, so I sexed them as best as I could. I’ll keep an eye on them as they develop and try to pair boys with men and girls with women. I still intend to breed more. I’d just like to have some control over who breeds with whom, if possible. It appears that this time around, there are a lot more girls than boys.

Oh, Teddy Bear, I still miss you so much!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11, 2001 Although I’m polite and not friendly when it comes to Apple Cheeks, we ended up making a little bit of small talk yesterday, anyway. He was asking Tom about his job and telling me, “Well, your community service is almost done, you’re almost done with the anger management, you got the screening done, so all you have to do is stay out of trouble and report.”

This was good to hear. Meaning, I took it as a good sign saying he won’t harass me about the job. Tom says that unless I can find a job working for someone, I shouldn’t even bother to tell him. Meaning that if I end up being an independent contractor, I should never divulge my edges, so to speak, and not use them unless I need to. However, he did ask me what medications I was on. For him to ask this out of the blue and for the first time in a while, makes me think I’m in for a drug test next time around.

Jack and Jill turned out to be Jack and Zach, so I set them free yesterday about a mile from the house. I didn’t want them anyway, because they chewed so fiercely that there’d have been no way I could keep them in any of the cages for too long. They just weren’t happy here, either.

Tom picked up bottles this morning and told Gina that I didn’t come along so he could fit more in. As we figured, this was no problem.

Later…

Tom downloaded me a few programs to try out that encrypt files. Any kind of file. Not just doc files. The first one was risky because you only got one shot at typing in your code. If you made a typo, and couldn’t figure out what that typo was, you could never get into the file again, so that one wasn’t good. The next one let you confirm your password, allowing you to type it twice to make sure it matched up with the first one you typed, but it created other files I didn’t want that sort of defeated the purpose. The one I settled on allows me to confirm, use the same code for each file, and choose whether or not I encrypted a few files or my whole directory. First I encrypted my whole directory and then I decrypted the files I didn’t feel were necessary to be encrypted, like my doll and pet charts and petty shit like that. It’s the journal files I wanted to be encrypted.

It’s not as convenient, because now, each time I go to use the computer, I have to first decrypt the files I want to use, then encrypt them when I shut down. I think it’s worth the time and effort, though. Not that I’ve got anything to hide, but because I fear my stuff being stolen by the pigs and I don’t want to make things easier on them. If you did not receive my permission to read my journals or any parts of them, then you will not read them! Period. Any unauthorized people will get garbage; a bunch of meaningless letters, numbers and symbols.

I backed up all my stuff again too, so the stuff on floppies is now encrypted as well. I have a floppy on a couple of dolls that contain my current stuff. Then I have a backup that I keep right here on my desk and a set in the vent. Tom will take care of backing me up on CD and putting that in the ground.

I’m not even going to say what my code is in this journal because they could come and seize this while I was in the middle of working on it. I know it’s being overly cautious and paranoid, but after all I’ve been through, I could never be too cautious/paranoid. Logically looking at it, it seems so unlikely that they’d seize my computer, but we never thought they’d throw me in jail for 6 months over a letter, either. In this state, with the way the system is, one can never be sure of anything.

I’m on a roll vibe-wise. First I vibed that something significant would happen on the 8th, then I vibed the August car trouble, and the last time we got tickets, I vibed we’d win. We did. His ticket won twice on Bingo. A total of $5.

We’re trying out a different mice arrangement. I wanted to just throw them all together and dump the ones I didn’t want to keep the population at a steady 30 or so mice, but he suggested we separate the adult females. Then as the younger females get pregnant, pull them out and put them with the other ladies, and basically keep doing that till we get all the mice we want. It’s just a bitch sexing them! Until they’re older, after they’ve started breeding, it’s not that easy to tell them apart.

When I was changing the rat’s cage, I set the bars on the floor with them inside it. I noticed Little Buddy seemed to be having trouble getting out through the part that’s wider and sits down inside the base, so I put the wire roof back on. Sure enough, though, he came to visit me in the bathroom as I was working on bottles. So, the plastic shelves were put back on.

I wonder just what in the world is up with Paula? I’ve only gotten one letter from her since I’ve been home. Maybe I should quit writing to her till I hear from her. You never know if she’s stuck in jail! I want to make sure she’s OK and getting my mail before I keep writing. I wish she’d write at least once a month! Like the first of every month. It doesn’t have to be a novel. Just the basic highlights of her life would do.

I take that back. Maybe I will have something to hide but from Tom and not the pigs. I still doubt Tom snoops into these journals, but once again, you can’t be too sure about anything in this world. If anything happens between Teddy Bear and I, it could hurt his feelings if he read up on it, although I say that if you’re going to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong, you ask for and deserve what you might get from it.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 9, 2001 Yesterday turned out to be quite an interesting day. For starters, I was right about it being a day for things to happen. I just didn’t know if they’d be good things or not. One thing that happened was that we got a check from the government we were waiting on. Another thing is that Tom got offered a job as a night shift manager. He was torn between accepting and declining. He wants more money, but he doesn’t want to work nights. Unfortunately, their 2nd shift is considered to be from 5 PM-1 AM, rather than 3 PM-11 PM. So, since God has called upon us to serve and cater to a few of his precious freeloaders, the freeloaders would then interfere with his sleep time rather than his work time, depending on the time of the appointment (wouldn’t God just love us if we gave a percentage of our income to the freeloaders?). I still think he’ll end up taking the job, though, and he still swears he’s going to help me get a home job. Yeah, we’ll get ahead again financially so God can send some more freeloaders to fuck us over and set us back.

Also, yesterday, while I was sitting at the computer, a horse walked by the window! I went outside and there were 4 of them! They were beautiful too, and each one was a different color. They didn’t have any people or bridles on, so they might’ve been wild horses. The one that passed by the window headed towards the back and down to the old single-wide that I guess will forever sit on Dan’s property (I still call it “Dan’s property” because I don’t know who they are). The other 3 were by next door’s shacks, then they ran, neighing all the way, around the front of our house, towards the back, then down by where the other horse had gone.

Of God’s many highlights for me in life, I don’t have to say that one of his favorite things to have happened to me is for me to have my shit taken. For obvious reasons, after having Dureen, the lovely staff members of the places I was in as a kid, then the jail, as well as a few so-called “friends” along the way like Crystal C, I’m paranoid about my stuff. Even money-wise I’ve been severely taken advantage of, before and after meeting Tom. There were people like Nellie R ripping me off on Oswego Street, and now it’s contractors and freeloaders. Therefore, despite how low the chances may be of the pigs legally stealing my journals, Tom’s going to show me how to encrypt them this weekend. If I encrypt them, then they’ll be scrambled. Only I’ll be able to decipher them because I’ll be the only one with the code (password) to open the files. I’m going to scramble all my doc files. Having hidden text would be useless cuz there are plenty of ways to expose hidden text. So, unless Tom’s lying, and he knows of a way he can hack into them, no one can ever get into them but me. I can back them up onto floppies encrypted, too. I can’t yet say what my code words will be or where we’re hiding backups till this is scrambled.

This way, if the pigs do rip off the computers or any disks, I can at least laugh at them when they can’t break into the doc files. With my shit luck, though, the control junkies will bribe me by threatening me with years in prison if I don’t tell them the code. Pigs will get information any way they can. They don’t care who they hurt along the way, either. But I’ll be damned if I’ll make anything easy for them or cooperate with them in any way. We’d be long gone long before they could imprison me for not letting them get their way. As Tom said, though, I have to make sure I remember what the code is, or else I’ll never be able to get back in.

I just brought the two wild ones and their little cage into the office. They’re sitting on the shelf right by the monitor. Maybe if they’re around me more often, they’ll calm down a bit, but I don’t know. It never worked with Gizzy. If Jill’s not pregnant by September 1st, I’ll be kicking them both out.

Tomorrow I’ve got to see Apple Cheeks, but I’m not going to be tagging along on Saturday to pick up bottles. I’m only going along on every other pick-up. That way he can have more room to get more in.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8, 2001 Tom was right, so far, and the appointment yesterday was a breeze. You just cost us another $60, you fucking freeloaders! Despite the additional money, I, the victim, have lost, it was just a matter of answering a whole lot of personal questions concerning my emotional and physical being. I thought some of the questions were pretty funny, like – do I feel pushed around? Do I sometimes wish I was never born?

Do I ever!

Then he says to me, “Well, you’re married, so I assume you’re heterosexual,” when he brought up the subject of sexual orientation.

“Actually, I’m bi,” I answered.

Not that I’m ashamed to say so, but what does my sexual preference have to do with this so-called letter I’m supposed to have written? They even marked that I was white on one of their forms. Why? So they can know who to discriminate against?

Tom, who was with me during my talk with this lady and then the guy who interviewed me, was as confused as we were as to what they wanted. They mainly deal with drug and alcohol cases. Not this shit. So they called Scot, who said that this was just a formality. I informed them up front that I did not intend to return to them and that I already had a therapist. They agreed and wrote the letter Scot said he needed, saying that they don’t see any reason to treat me further. It’s just one of those things the state requires; a letter saying someone is or isn’t crazy. Those fucking courts still need to be more specific when they say immediate and specify whether or not immediate means upon sentencing, or upon release from jail.

Tom was saying how that’s one more thing we can check off as done, but I don’t know. It seems that whenever we check something off our little freeloader list, they add something else right back on. And more money, too.

I still don’t know what shocks me more. Just the fact that I got arrested for this shit, or the outrageous sentence I got for it. You can go to court for anything. Anything. Especially if you’re not white. You can bitch about anything. Even journals that you, as an adult, had the right to ignore and weren’t forced to read. It’s like the little boy who ran to his teacher because another little boy called him stupid. Where do we draw the line as to what we can go running to the piggies and courts for? They’re not our parents, for Christ’s sake!

People need to find their proper places. An example of that is Stacey from the Vista Ventana. She should never have gotten involved in my disputes with other tenants. It wasn’t her place to stick her nose into my personal business like that. If I had been loud like the cock above me was in the first building and like the butch was in the second building, that’d be different. Her job was to see to it that tenants followed pool rules, weren’t rowdy and noisy, weren’t destroying things, were paying their rent, etc., but as far as my phone calls to others; this was none of her concern. Stacy was so much like Donna A and Dureen O. Anything to control others.

Just as I predicted in either May or June, we’re having car trouble. I said we’d have it in August, and sure enough, as soon as August was upon us, so was the car curse. It doesn’t always want to start right away. Tom has to clean off corrosion that’s gunked up on some cables.

Around mid-July, I had a vibe concerning today but didn’t know if it was good or bad. I’m hoping it has to do with the better job/raise Tom said he’s been hoping for at the bank.

Now for the best news – I finally heard from Mary! She said she did get my letters. One of hers to me was returned saying “attempted, unknown,” but I don’t know what this meant. Maybe they just didn’t like the idea of sending out letters to someone with only their first name since she had been sending letters to “Dawn.” I even decided to start sticking our new address labels on. Who cares if any nosy DOs read my mail to her? I’m not saying anything wrong. And as far as Scot goes – he can tell me what to do, but I’ll follow my heart and do what I think is best.

I’m sending her 5 pictures per letter, which is all that’s allowed at once. They can’t be bigger than 5 x 3. Pictures of the animals, us, the house, the land.

She mentioned wanting to take all the letters she’s written to friends someday and publish them, so I went ahead and typed up the 3 letters I’ve received from her so far and sent them to her. I told her she’d have 2 files on my computer. One for her letters to me (I’ll trash the originals) and one for her life’s story.

Her writing’s getting easier to read as I get used to it, though it’s still too big and the lines run too closely together. She’s not a great speller, but better than most. She never uses periods, though. All she uses are commas. She never uses caps, either, or makes paragraphs, so as I explained to her, that as her editor, I’d fine-tune stuff like this. Sometimes she writes the word “there” when it’s supposed to be “their”, so I’ll also be correcting grammatical stuff as best I can. I asked her to be more specific with commas and periods. Although I can pretty much figure out when to put periods in, based on the context of what she’s saying, it’ll go faster and easier for me if she’s more specific on that.

She says she’s still having trouble picking up a pencil to write because some airhead once discouraged her really badly. I told her to fuck that airhead and just write, letting her know she’d be the author and that I’d simply be the one getting her story typed and out there (hopefully). Unsure of how to go about it, I suggested she either write her story in chunks or by subjects. Maybe write her preteen years, then her teenage years, and then her 20s. Or go by events, both good and bad, in the order that she remembers them.

She said Palma hasn’t worked there since she’s been back, and that was shortly after I left.

She said she figured I’d check up on her case, but not to believe it cuz they’re liars.

I hope one particularly disturbing part was a lie, that’s for sure! Some articles I found say she was killed and buried right away. Others say she was in agony for days with a broken arm and fractured skull before she was buried.

Myra C, yes, but I can’t imagine Mary G of all people, no matter how much of a fugitive she may’ve been, sitting around doing nothing while her child suffered like that. The only way that could’ve happened is if Justin wouldn’t let her get help. Mary could never be that selfish.

She commended me for writing my own book, which I reminded her she could have as soon as she got out of there. She still doesn’t know when that’ll be.

She said she found out from an inmate that Myra’s already been beat up in prison.

I figured she would be. She’s the type that’ll get regular beatings, but the pervert deserves anything she gets, even death.

She said that the pictures were great.

I told Miss Balls of Brass that although I can’t say who it is with her still in there, she’s going to call me Miss Balls of Brass since no one did my dirty work for me as far as Teddy Bear goes. I hit on her all by myself. It still stuns the shit out of me that I got her! It was mutual!

She also says that when she gets out she wants to dye her hair fuchsia, grow it down to her kneecaps, and be an activist for battered women. She wants me to go along with her on this, too.

Then, for the first time since meeting her just over 7 months ago, I wondered if her fondness for me could go deeper than I ever realized. I hope not, cuz I don’t like fems that are weaker than me, not that it would really matter. I mean, what’s she gonna do? Rape me? Women don’t usually do that to other women. I’m not worried about it. It’s not important as long as she’s a good friend.

What made me start to wonder? All the comments she’s made like how she wants it to be where you see one, you see the other. You’re the bomb, we’re a team, we need each other, it was meant to be, I so do love you, you’re my shining star, and all the praise and compliments she’s lavished upon me.

The babies are ready for segregation. They’re all getting around and eating and drinking, although they still nurse a bit. However, as is usually the case for me, they all looked the same when I tried to sex them. They all looked like girls. So, I’ll have Tom help me this weekend. I wish the guy’s balls were developed from the get-go, but by the time it’s easy to sex them, it’s too late and they’re already breeding.

MONDAY, AUGUST 6, 2001 Today I made another backup copy of my doc files and put them on floppies, which I hid in a place I can’t say. That way, if any nosy beings called pigs do search the place, they shouldn’t be found. It’d be very unlikely, anyway.

I can tell you firsthand that if they storm us, it’s not about Tom and Jodi having anything bad. It’s about power and control. I’ve had enough experience with Valleyhead, Brattleboro, Doe, jail, etc., to know that they wouldn’t leave empty-handed just because we have nothing bad for them to find. They won’t go through the hassle of coming out here and tearing the place apart without taking something. Even people like Chambers, who was far from the extreme, felt we were just too clean and that she had to take something, so she swiped my extra towel.

If you don’t give people who are doing searches a reason to take something, they’ll find a reason of their own. Sorry, though, piggies. You’ll never get those hidden disks from me!

Tomorrow will be another appointment for the freeloaders, another $60 spent for the freeloaders, and another session with somebody else deciding what I need. Tom said it’s covered under our insurance, should they decide I need more than the initial appointment. That’s not the point. Enough is enough already! That’s the point.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 5, 2001 Saw Scot last Friday and gave him a copy of Helen’s letter. I’ve completed 61 hours of community service and have 39 to go. Then he can harass me about my “not working.” Tom still thinks he won’t bring it up again. Well, if he does, he’ll quickly find that he’s wasting his time. Old fashioned or not, I’m not going to take just any job. I can’t take just any job anyway, in my case. When I find a home job, I find one. And it’s going to be because I want it and not because society or the courts said I should or had to.

Tom and I also remember things differently pertaining to that. He says Scot said he wasn’t going to worry about it, but I remember him saying we’d worry about the job after the community service is done. Well, I’m not worried about it, but he can worry about it all he wants if he’d like.

Now for the best news, non-freeloader related. We have wild mice in our vents! The bad to that is that Tom has to crawl under the house with all the snakes, scorpions and God knows what else, to find out where they’re coming in from, which will be hard. If there are any significant holes in the vent, we could lose a lot of the AC, but so far I haven’t noticed a difference in the cooling.

I heard a sound coming from the vent late in the night a couple of nights ago and saw a mouse go by. Tom saw them yesterday morning and said they were Fancy mice that I lost. Impossible, I told him, going by my count. I know how many mice I have and I’d know if any were missing. Also, it would’ve had to have gone down there when it was close to newborn, in order to fit through the vent’s grill, then miraculously survived this long. I would’ve heard chewing sounds long before I did, too.

Anyway, I set up the trap and we’ve got one caught so far, but there’s at least one more down there I’m waiting to catch. Tom’s not sure, but I’m sure it’s a wild mouse. It’s a full-grown male, judging by its well-developed balls, and is half the size Fancy mice get to be. Although its fur is a bit thick and shiny, the colors differ from my other mice. It’s a good-looking mouse. It’s of various shades of brown.

I’ve got it in one of the Play City cages I wished I’d had when I caught Gizzy in Phoenix. It can’t escape this cage. However, I can’t throw it in with the boys with the way it jumps high enough to escape the tank, even though it’s not as spastic as Gizzy was, and I can’t afford to have one or two mice hogging up a cage like that, so I’m going to put it in the wire cage we brought Ratsy home in. A part of it is outside, though, and I have to wait till it’s light and he gets up and goes out to get it.

Later…

Caught the other mouse. This one’s smaller and appears to be a girl. She’s got the same coloring with a slight light spot on her head. I think the boy’s full-grown and that this one’s still young. Jack and Jill may not be able to live in the wire cage because they may slip through the wires. I know Jill could. She slipped through the rungs of the wheel, which is about the same width or smaller. I could’ve sworn the mouse I saw was bigger than these two, so I set up the trap again and will keep on doing so till I stop trapping mice.

Tom saw a dirt-colored snake sitting in the shade of the utility pole a few feet from the house. By the time we went back out with the camera, it was gone.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 2, 2001 Although I’m tired, the freeloaders say I have to stay up till at least 2 PM. Yesterday, I only slept 8 hours and got up at 10 PM instead of midnight, like I had planned on getting up at. So, if I stay up till at least 2:00, I should sleep till 1 AM and not be so tired 12 hours later when my bosses have me see Scot. Watch. With my shit luck, he’ll want to do a drug test which will keep me there a lot longer.

We may end up with around 60 mice here! The average mouse has 6 babies per litter, and if I’ve got at least 5 pregnant mice, then I could end up with about 60 mice whenever they finally quit having babies.

What’s really cool is that the pig and the mice all get along with each other. I was remembering how the pet store I got Houdini and Scuttles from had guinea pigs mixed in with mice, hamsters, and gerbils, and decided to give it a try since neither is aggressive like rats can be. This is great cuz now the mice have more room. Something they’re going to need!

Tuesday, my bosses say I have to serve them yet again by going to that MH screening appointment.

I can’t wait!

Maybe they’ll butt out of my schedule and stop costing us money someday, but I don’t know. I wouldn’t count on it. Not in this life, and certainly not any time in the near future. I’ve got years yet that they’ll seize ownership of me and my life.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1, 2001 I’m currently doing a rollover with my schedule. Oh, how good it feels to sleep 10 hours! I wake up for a while, though, on the 4th hour. I’m up 18 hours when I don’t take the Melatonin. Sometimes I’m up for the normal 16 hours without it, but usually, it’s more like 18 hours.

Ordered some new toys from an adult catalog. My vibrator just broke. This one lasted the longest, though. I think I got it when we first moved in here. Maybe I even got it in Phoenix. I’m not sure.

Anyway, I totally prefer to go it alone sexually and fantasize about Teddy Bear till I can have her for real. I’m sorry, but I just can’t get into Tom as much as I love him. By his behavior, I can see he’s OK with it, though, and isn’t any more interested in sex with me than I am with him.

I wonder, though – what will it be like with Teddy Bear? I have a feeling she’ll be a bore in bed, as shy as she is, but I don’t care. I just want her at least once just so I can get her out of my system and know that I did it with her, someone I’m attracted to. If it really does happen, like I predict it will, she’ll be the biggest turn-on. Meaning, the one I was most attracted to out of everyone I’ve ever been with, be it for just one night or longer. I wonder if my lusting for her like I do will make me self-conscious in bed, and if the shock of it finally happening will prevent me from cumming? It’s been like being forced to wait for a cigarette I crave. Well, I want that cigarette one of these days, though I doubt we’ll do anything the first few times I see her. I’ll bet I’ll end up being the one who’ll have to initiate the fun, too. I still care about her as a person and hope she’s a regular part of my life for as long as possible, but I lust for her sooo bad! Just like it’s easy for me to say I wish I’d met Tom sooner than I did, a part of me wishes I’d met Teddy Bear first. As happy as I am with Tom, and as sure as I am that I want to be with him forever, it’s quite a pisser to have had such shitty luck with women for so many years as I did, then I meet this ideal woman. One with a hell of a personality and where the attraction is mutual. I’ll never know for sure, obviously, but I’m pretty sure we could’ve had a great relationship, as long as she was accepting of some of my more unusual ways. My not working might’ve concerned her more than my screwy schedule would have. I don’t know if she’d have been quite as accepting/tolerant as Tom. I don’t know if anyone could be as accepting/tolerant as Tom.

As far as what I got goes – I got a hell of a deal. All for just $17 I got 3 different vibrators, a free mystery gift, and 3 free videos, though I’m not a video person. Tom can check those out if he wants to. The free gift is probably a video, too.

I’m not only planning to use the toys for fun but to help heal the knee pain I’ve been having lately. I fucked up the ligaments in my knees somehow. At least I think that’s what it is. Maybe the concentrated buzzing of the vibrators will help more than the big heat massager thing I have.

Like I asked for, I got that letter from Helen to give to the mental health screening people. I made a copy for Scot to add to my file, too. In the letter she writes: I want to commend you on the progress with anger management I’ve seen in just the short time I’ve been seeing you since your release from jail. You appear much more accepting of all your experiences without the need for retaliation – even if it was all unfair. I believe you are also making good progress with all the requirements of your probation and I give you credit for that also.

I also asked her how many more visits she thought I should have, and she said exactly what I was thinking – we’ll wait till after the MH screening to decide, but maybe 3-5 more visits??

We received our new address labels – 24 scenic images. Naturally, the snowy ones don’t appeal to me.

[nathank77]

3/26/24

7:22 p.m-Updated/Added to/Edited

I have my t-shot tomorrow and I see my PCP Thursday. So I'm still stressed about this week once I see my PCP I will be less stressed. I will finally have less doctors appts just my biweekly t-shots, therapy 3 days a week, 1 monthly bloodwork, and that's it mostly.

I got my thyroid ultrasound April 1st and the dentist April 12th and my ultrasound on my lower region on April 17th... and then my bloodwork right now on April 23rd but I'm thinking about scheduling it to April 16th.. I mean it'll be 4 days earlier than last month's bloodwork but approximately 2 months that I've been on methimazole... I want to do it earlier to make sure I don't go too hypo if I'm actually going into remission. I'll probably reschedule it. Also I'm sure I'll have to see my PCP again for insomnia. She's keeping me on a tight leash.. it's going to be monthly appts as long as i use benzodiazepines for sleep.

Either way I got to make time for my eye doctor depending on when she can fit me in.. and i may have to move stuff around....but I'll deal with that when the time comes.. tomorrow...

I'm worried about my pcp appt and the benzodiazepine script... I hate having to open up with a lie. My tongue isn't gross cause I scrape it twice daily but it will not heal.... I'm kinda forced to lie cause behavioral health only wants me to take antipsychotics...she won't be able to say psychiatrist anymore if I lie and that's important...

I called the investigation unit to ask questions and I explained why I want to lie and at first it didn't seem like he understood, it seemed like he thought I wanted to lie about Kristen. I explained I needed to lie to my PCP to get a quality of care I'm being denied bc of my diagnosis. I think he finally understood it but he said the people I wrote on the release of Information, Elise, Kristen, Mike and Erin. They would request records. They could call but it's a case by case basis. They could even meet in person with anyone on that release form...

He said that he could request information from my PCP but not talk to her unless I give them the right to which I won't.. but I guess I'm going to have to write that paragraph really well. And have it somewhere near the top so they understand I'm lying about recovering to re-humanize myself and remove that label and the stigma...

He said the investigation might not even get looked at past reading the paperwork. He said it could take 6 weeks. He said it could take a year.

I guess I'll have to consider whether to get my medical card considering this time frame. I guess I have to consider that when they look at my case considering sleep/benzo/insomnia and all that is like half my argument, they likely will pull my records from my PCP.

I'm worried they'll tell her I still have auditory hallucinations but I don't think they can... I'm worried if they do i will lose my prescription and my doctor. Losing my PCP will really mess things up for me. Its hard getting benzos. It's hard having biweekly appts for my t-shot. They are super reliable. So reliable, that my xanax is already ready for renewal in early April when I don't need to refill until April 5th.. I won't pick it up any earlier either.

So I'm kinda in a rock and a hard place. I can occlude auditory hallucinations from everything at this point but when it comes to my PCP, I either lie.... and worry about it impeding my investigation/losing my PCP... or I tell the truth and keep getting referred out to Behavioral health and have to stay on xanax....

Idk what to do but damn fucking Kristen. My tongue doesn't hurt but it's gross even though it isn't. It won't heal and I just want to switch to Halcoin...

Idk what to do, I don't want to lie to begin with. Yet I feel I have to but this investigation scares me cause if my PCP finds out I lied bc i wanted my insomnia to be treated as a separate issue, I could lose a lot.

If I tell the truth well I don't even think she will even listen to me about halcion...

I have 3 ideas:

1) lie and know in my heart, that they can't share information with her. They can only obtain information.. but my anxiety is like what if? And I can't turn it off..

2) tell the truth, have her say Behavioral health and have my tongue never heal. Continue to treated like a mental case....psychotic. unable to make good decisions. Have my quality of care be lower than it should be..

3) tell a stretch of the of truth, I hallucinate only a few times a day now. Only during the day... it's actually countable. Then even if the board contacts her directly, my records will still say I hallucinate, they won't tell her I'm stretching the truth bc they will also think that my hallucination has improved. However she still may say behavioral health..

Idk what the fuck to do. My anxiety is like lying can bite you in the ass.

You already have a turtle biting your tongue and it won't heal so you're already being bit in the ass.

Telling a stretch of the truth can help but she will still be like you're hallucinating so behavioral health..

Idk what to do. I have a lot of thinking to do. Calling the investigation unit actually made it worse...

Why? Cause now I'm like what if they can meet with my PCP bc of my benzo script and the way I was when I came to them in December is an important part of my case... they'll say he was a mess. Unable sleep. He looked like he didn't sleep. He was suffering.

I am so anxious bc i have to make this decision by Thursday. I can tell the truth, now. Submit my paperwork and lie in April. Or May when I go back cause this is going to be a monthly appt.. but that's another month of my tongue looking like shit.

Idk if they can actually tell her what I reported I doubt it but I know they can pull my records. Idk what to do. I'm sick of hearing behavioral health. What it really means is----> go on antipsychotics then I'll consider changing your benzodiazepine to a different one with a comparable dosage..but I'd rather your psychiatrist do that cause you're, "psychotic."

Of course I could not say auditory hallucination. She didn't bring it up last time... but I did. When I called about the temazepam, the receptionist was like if you're seeing and hearing stuff you need to go to a psychiatrist we might discharge you from our practice if you keep calling/showing up. I showed up a few times for random things. Once or twice was the benzodiazepine... but the other 2 or 3 times I didnt say a word about them... so there is a reason Im scared..

And just the fact that they said seeing things.... I never reported seeing things cause I fucking don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I don't have visuals. It's obv they think I'm completely crazy. This is why I want to peel off the fucking label.

I know I have to take things one day at a time but I got to plan what I'm going to say Thursday. Whats best for me and the investigation. But overall what best for ME.

Whats best for me is to lie.... although I'll always be scared it'll bite me in the ass and cause me to lose my PCP getting another reliable benzodiazepine script will not be fucking easy... getting discharged from this place will severely effect my health...

If I don't submit the report, Kristen gets to live her perfect life and I have to, "live," like I have been living... but then I can lie with no worries.... and get the best quality of care...then again my PCP may be like idc if you don't hallucinate anymore, I would never percribe such a high dose...

What's best for me is reporting Kristen... what's best for me is lying to my PCP and getting the best quality of care.... assuming the lack of hallucinations would make her more willing to perscribe .50 of halcion. Which .25 is the largest dose tablet and I'm asking for TWO A NIGHT. With hallucinations there is no way she will listen to me but without them she may cause it becomes MEDICAL. Although she may still be like that's wayy too much I'd NEVER.

What's not best for me is having the investigation cause my quality of care to be lower than it should be preventing me from lying bc of anxiety and the potential they will talk to her. I suppose as a person I have the right to say you can obtain records from my PCP but you cannot talk to her under any circumstances...idk..

I'm very anxious about it. It seems there is no right answer...

I'm going to think about it nonstop until Thursday and figure out what I should do. I'm so anxious.

[sw124]

BonelyHearts Reader Insert7

{Gender Neutral!ReaderXSkeleton household}

Dental woes

Where were you again….right…on the couch contemplating on why the universe decided to torture you. For a week now you had a terrible toothaches; you were sure it was on the right side of your mouth, hell your cheeks was so swollen you looked like a chipmunk hiding acorns in your mouth. You got back from the dentist and….

“Abscess tooth? How on earth can something like that happen?” Nox sat by you, your head resting on a ice pack.

“…Abscess teeth….” You whimpered.

“Call me country bumpkin…-on second thought don’t- but what on earth is an abscess tooth-er teeth.”

You weren’t sure if you had the time to explain…no…you did you just didn’t have the energy. You pulled your phone out, tapped a few buttons and showed it to Nox; he proceeded with the video. You watched from the corner of your eye his expression going from ‘unimpressed’ to ‘oh dear lord what did I just witness?!’ among a few others. He trembled as he returned your phone.

“…I’m going back now that I finish my antibiotics…then they’re gonna drained the puss an…mmmph..” oh you couldn’t tell him the rest, these skeletons had a bit of an issue about teeth.

Cleaning them sure was one thing but you didn’t want to tell him that you were also having your wisdom teeth removed, they were the main cause of your abscesses. Instead you decided to change the subject just slightly..

“Do…you think one of you guys could drive me to my appointment and back?”

Nox gave you a sideways glance. “You do know you have your own car right?”

Well he was gonna be no help, maybe Sans or Papyrus would be more willing. You got up and shuffled towards the stairs. Slowly you shuffled up and towards Pap’s room, you gave a few half-hearted knocks before the door flew open.

“Sans I said- Oh human its you!” Papyrus stood there, dressed in his ‘cleaning the greatest room in the house’ clothes…you weren’t even phased by his loud entry to be honest.

“Hey Pap…can I ask you a huge favor?” You swayed on your feet.

“Of course human, what favor do you need from the great Papyrus?” He puffed out his chest looking like a gallant superhero…why was he so cute?

“Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, could drive me to it and back home please?”

“You can count on me human! Though I’ll need to bring someone with me will that be alright.”

“Someone trustworthy….” You whimper, ohh you regretted not bringing the ice pack with you…

“I’m bringing Blue, he’s very trustworthy. Don’t worry human we’ll take care of you!”

You gave a very weak smile before going over the time to bring you to the dentist, he was surprised to hear it would take a few hours but he still agreed to sit and wait for you.

[The next morning….]

Why did you agree to do this…why did your teeth have to hurt…why oh why…

You sat between Papyrus and Blue in the waiting room, you were on time and just waiting to be called back for your appointment. You didn’t get a wink of sleep last night due to both the pain and the anxiety of having two of your teeth pulled out of your head. Worst yet you weren’t gonna be sedated and unconscious for this, you were gonna be wide awake and numbed up.

Your heart leapt into your throat when the assistant called your name…

“Don’t worry human, we’ll be here when your done!” Blue patted your hand.

“Yes! When your done we’ll take you home and treat you to a whole day of recovery! After-all; I ‘the great Papyrus’ and ‘the magnificent Blue’ will be here when your done!”

The two skeletons striking a pose in the lobby, honestly these two were gods gift to all with hearts made of stone…well no sense in delaying the inevitable, you walked down the corridors to the room in question. It didn’t look any different then any other dental room. Your dentist was a kind, older gentlemen of about 60 with years of experience, he was your dentist since you were old enough to see a dentist. He was practically your grandpa by this point, he reassured you that it would all be over in no time. He began setting things up while his assistant prepped you, putting sunglasses on you to shield your eyes, a mouth spreader to keep your mouth open and that greenish bib they put on you.

Then….came the needle…..

[Two hours later]

Your dentist sat by you, waiting to be sure you were alright before sending you back to the waiting room. Your mouth was still numb but you were now dealing with the swelling, you were also dizzy from laying there so long. He handed you a little white plastic bag with a toothbrush, floss, toothpaste…and both of your wisdom teeth. They were intact, boy this was gonna be fun showing the skeletons later.

Slowly you got up, your dentist offering you his shoulder for support as he helps you to the waiting room. Just like they said Papyrus an Blue were waiting for you, swiftly they got you into the car after getting a full rundown from the dentist on what you could and could not eat for a while.

Solid foods were off the menu at least for the next month, you didn’t mind really on that part. It just meant you could have smoothies all you wanted, that and pasta; pasta was ok. With that said you were put in the car and driven back to the skeleton household….

Apparently everyone was told about your surgery and was waiting outside to greet you.

“Welcome back human, good to see your doing alright.” Said Boss with a smile.

“Yes, you seem to have survived your little surgery. Though I doubt anything went awry, after all what could a little root canal do to you?” Said Nox with a wave of his hand.

“It wasn’t a root canal.” You smiled, you reached into the bag an pulled out a smaller one with your two intact wisdom teeth. “I got my wisdom teeth removed, wanna see? It still got blood on them…”

You were still a bit loopy but the expression on everyone’s face was priceless, Nox and Boss almost gagged, Red and Russ were like little kids as they poked at the bag, Poplar and Ash….hiding behind the front door, Sans, Papyrus, Stretch and Blue were all sharing the same look…the ‘what the heck is wrong with you’ look.

After walk/chasing some of the skeletons with your extracted teeth they finally got you to lay down on the couch. You had blood dripping out of your mouth, thankfully no stitches popped; it was just the excitement an all.

You had a nice bottle of Mango Orange smoothie right by you, you were resting your head on Sans lap while watching Red and Blue go at each other in a racing game. Poplar and Ash were in the kitchen making dinner, Boss, Nox and Stretch were in their rooms while Papyrus was tending to Doomfanger and Chicken’s cat tree’s.

If anything you still didn’t like dentists offices or procedures but….when you could come home and recover like this with ten skeletons ready to help you…maybe you could tolerate another one.

End

[Another fanfic for the @bonelyheartsclub I’ve got more stories planned so please hold on]

[caws5749]

Dazed and Confused, pt. 21-The Quarantine Series

A/N: I CHEATED IM SORRY. okay so several parts of this I took directly from one of my other fics i wrote because i wanted it to be the same thing essentially. I know many of you have already read it, but i really did want it to be the exact same explanation. This is more of a ‘we gotta focus on what happened and how’ chapter because the next one will be focused on nat x reader dealing with this.

Promoting: I’m still tryin to do drabbles *cries* BUT ALSO, Netflix party this coming Friday!!!!!!!!! We’re watching infinity war! The link will be posted to Join the Netflix party on Friday around 7pm eastern time.

The Quarantine Series Masterlist

The rest of the day with Natasha passed quickly, and before you knew it, you were waking up at 4am, preparing to leave for your mission. Steve was thankfully coming with you, which helped to ease your nerves.

You found yourself unable to sit still on the Quinjet, pacing back and forth in the back while Steve flew the jet.

“I’ve never seen you like this,” he commented. You nodded, crossing your arms.

“Something just feels....off about this.”

“I know you’ve never been on a mission like this, Y/N, but you got this. You can handle it,” Steve encouraged. You nodded again. No matter what he said, you knew you wouldn’t feel at ease until the mission was over.

Eventually pacing wasn’t do anything to calm your nerves, so you settled for taking out all of your knives and then repacking them. You hadn’t realized Steve had put the jet on autopilot until he was at your side. He picked up one of your knives, examining it.

“Why do you prefer knives? I never asked,” he spoke.

“Why do you prefer a shield?” You retorted, chuckling.

“I-”

“That was a rhetorical question, Steve. And don’t touch my knives!”

You took it lightly from his grasp and put it back on the table.

“You’re not going to bring it?”

“I already have about fifty knives on my person right now.”

Steve honestly didn’t know how to respond to that, so he just sighed and moved up to the front to ask JARVIS about the flight plan.

Ten minutes later, Steve was yelling back about landing, and you stood, going over the plan once more in your head. You made your way over to where the comms were, grabbing one and placing it in your ear. Your eyes passed over the knife Steve had picked up. You sighed and rolled your eyes, grabbing it and putting it in a holster in your suit. You know, just in case.

“We dropped about three miles out. We’ll take my bike until we’re a mile out, and then walk the rest of the way,” Steve said, appearing in the back. You groaned.

“I hate your bike.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

+++++++

“You find anything yet?”

“You mean since the last time you asked me, two seconds ago?” You whispered.

“Y/N.”

“No, Cap, I have not found anything. Heading into a new room though. Looks promising,” you shrugged. You pulled out another knife, twirling it delicately. You opened the door slightly, until you could just see inside. It was dark, and full of file cabinets.

“Jackpot,” you muttered to yourself. You snuck inside and closed the door, turning around to look at the cabinets. If only you knew which one had the papers you were looking for. You sighed and moved farther into the room.

“Y/N, move, now. It’s a trap!” Steve shouted. You straightened, hearing the panic in his voice.

“You’re not going anywhere,” a low voice growled. Twenty forms stepped out into the open. It was still dark, and you couldn’t see hardly anything. You prepared to throw your knife, but before you could, hands were on you. You struggled against them, but it was no use. Someone hit something hard into your head, and things went black.

What seemed like a minute later, you were groggily coming to, being dragged along the floor. You were chained up with thick bands of steel. You could feel a weight lifted from your suit- they’d taken all your weapons. That was all you could manage to figure out, before you lost consciousness again.

+++++++

You groaned as you came to. You were chained still, and your head was killing you. Wait, something felt different. These chains were stronger. They felt like Cap’s shield. Vibranium? That couldn’t be right, why would they need something that strong? You opened your eyes, trying to see anything. You were in a chair, almost like a dentist’s chair. There were needles in you. A door opened, and a man walked in, a vial in his hand.

“Let’s see if this last injection will be it.”

Injection?

And then the world went dark.

++++++

A searing pain woke you up.

“Hey there,” a soothing voice said. You whimpered.

“Doc, can we up her morphine? She’s in a lot of pain.”

Whatever the doctor did, it worked, because the pain dulled to a bearable level. You were then able to focus your attention on opening your eyes.

“There you go.”

You turned to look at who the voice belonged to, and tears welled up in your eyes.

“Nat,” you croaked. She shushed you, bringing a glass of water to your lips. She helped you drink and then sat down on the edge of the bed.

“You really scared me,” Natasha murmured, a tear falling down her cheek.

“What happened?”

“They were waiting for you, at the HYDRA base. They took you,” she whispered, wiping away a tear.

“I remember that part,” you nodded.

“They experimented on you.”

“What?”

“You don’t remember,” Natasha sighed. You shook your head.

“What did they do to me?”

“They destroyed the files before we could read anything about the experiments. We don’t know.”

“Comforting,” you mumbled, starting to panic.

“Hey, hey, look at me. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to figure out what they did to you.”

“How did I get out?”

“The team raided the place after Steve told us what happened,” Nat answered.

Some of the memories came flooding back, and you could feel your heart racing.

“Baby, calm down. You need to slow your heart.”

“I can’t,” you managed, feeling your chest constricting. How could you not panic? You could hardly remember what had happened, and you had no idea what HYDRA had done to you. You sat up, ignoring the pain shooting through your body. The more you panicked, the weirder you felt. It was like something was surging inside you.

“Y/N, your eyes,�� Nat observed, a new type of concern appearing on her face. You looked in the mirror, and didn’t recognize what you saw. Your eyes were glowing a bright blue. Whatever was swirling inside you was growing stronger, and it felt like something was trying to break out.

“Nat, get out of here,” you warned.

“No. I’m not leaving.”

“Nat!” You shouted one final warning, before you felt something explode out of you. For a moment you thought you were going to die, but then it felt good. Really good. You let whatever it was drain you completely, and you collapsed onto the floor, finally looking around. Everything in the room was soaking wet. It was like a tsunami had gone through. Your eyes searched for Natasha. She was also on the ground, coughing up water.

“Nat,” you murmured, worried you’d hurt her. She looked at you with an unreadable expression, but you only saw it for a millisecond, because everything went black.

++++++

Pt. 22, coming out tomorrow (April 8)

++++++

Tag List: @mymarvelwomen @hherewegoagain @morbid-gaymer @natasha-romanoff-fics @taramitch96 @marvelbanan @lesbian-x-blackwidow @firstangeldragonranch @stillfiguringmeout @natasharomanoffsbitch-x @5aftermidnight @disneykid125 @clintashaotp @arkkarchive @determinedpines @stop-drop-and-drumroll @little-spider-nerd @newestnewgirl @missmarvelobsession @fireflyglass @pussy-puncher-its-an-inside-joke @niquey-salvatore @1-danid @nowthisisliving27 @swanqueensupercorpshouldbegayirl @hopingforbarnes @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @natxhiddles @showmethemone05 @marvelb00kwolf @prizmix-and-friends @ophelias-heart @xpissbabyx @sychochick @alwaysblackbirdbluecookies

[pbandjesse]

Its my last day of my 20s!! It only feels a little weird. But I was weepy today. I dont think it was related. I think I was just. Having a hard day. Emotional. But it was still mostly good. 

I slept alright. Getting up was hard but James came in at 830 and said he was going to bike to the store and would be back around 9. So it gave me a little time frame to wake myself up and get dressed. 

So I did that. But I was down. Just felt sad. I got washed and dressed. I was happy with my hair. I love my new sweater. It was the first time Ive worn  it and its really great. Very soft. But I was still sad. 

I have some aches and pains. I need to make an appointment to see the dentist soon. And I have a weird wound in the back of my knee. I tried to feel alright but it was hard. 

James got back and made me a bagel. I played a little animal crossing. And he worked at his desk. SweetP really likes the desk. It lets him be tall. 

Eventually though James asked if I was ready to go out and I wasnt feeling great. But I wanted to feel better. So off we went. 

First we went down to the harbor. We were squish hunting and I wanted to hit up 4 places. CVS, Marshal's, Five Below, and Target. Because they were each in a set of two spots. So we wouldnt have to keep moving the car and parking. 

CVS was a bust. They didnt have any of their easter stuff out and they didnt have any valentines ones left. We walked the aisles just in case one was misplaced but no dice. So across the street we went to Marshal's. 

Better luck there! They had a bunch of the goofy ones with the hair. An owl. Some unicorns. But I ended up getting a cuddler. I really would like the dragon one but this pegasis spoke to me. Its a very good hug. And it was on clearance. The cashier liked him too. Mostly because he was purple but I think they look like Guy Feiari. 

We went to the car and headed out to the next places. A car almost hit us when we were leaving but James kept us safe. We were just a little shaken up. 

We went to Five Below next. At first I was like. Aw man no luck. They just had a little unicorn. But I did get a mini brand surprise pack. James was trying really hard to cheer me up but I know I was radiating sadness. 

We checked out and as we were leaving James noticed that we didnt see that they had all the new easter squishes by the door! 

I was super excited. The cashier said that they just put them out but people had been calling for a week. I didnt want all of them. I got 5. I was super excited about the cow and the octopus but the goat and pig were really cute in person. James liked the carrot a lot but I want to make the bottom more pointy so they will need work. 

We still went to look at target. This target had a lot more then the one yesterday. I ended up getting a very large dragon. I almost went for the bunny loaf but I am excited about my dragon. 

We picked up some tissues and floss too. Because we are adults. Adults who were hunting for stuffed animals. And then we headed home. 

My mood was up for a little there but it dropped back down again. I was sad. It sucked. 

We went home and James would make up an at home picnic. It was to wet outside to try to do a proper one. But he made the food look all nice. He even made deviled eggs and green salad. It was a really nice meal. And we talked about my sads and he tried to understand what he could do to help. But I was just. Going through it. 

I did get another gift today. He got a surprise box of beanie babies from an antique store in Hampden. And they were almost all beanie baby birthday bears. So later in the day I would hang up a shelf for them in the studio. I think they are very cute. It was funny though because there was no february but thats okay. I like the clown ones a lot. I think they are all very cute. 

I had work to do though. After lunch I worked on the Capybara for Gaby. I finished him up fast enough that James was able to take him to Gaby when he went to take a bike ride. And that was nice. And it gave me a little time to be alone and chill with my own feelings. 

I worked on my last drawing for the 30 day project. And then I went to play animal crossing. I made a rose garden and a carnival area. I want to work on the carnival more but it was still fun. 

James got back and we talked about pancake dinner. He went to go bake in the kitchen and eventually the sun was looking really golden in the living room so I wanted to take pictures but we were having trouble with the camera and so we missed the golden light. But we still got a couple pictures. 

But then I was just. So sad. I got overheated and I just needed to go lay down.  went and laid in the studio and watched videos for a while. Eventually James came and laid with me. Until around 6 when he went to go make up pancakes for dinner. 

We had a nice dinner. And then it was time for him to go play a game with his friends. I stayed and talked for a bit. Showed off my new squishes. And my new piercing. I actually rattled my piercing a little today and the top one hurts a little. But I can tell how well its healing so Im not to worried. 

I have been hanging out for the last hour. I made outfits for the week. Played around with my renfaire costume, coming up with more accessories to make it more believable. Its been nice. 

And now I am just tired. I am ready to take a shower and get some rest. 

Its  my birthday tomorrow! I hope its just. A good day. James had to work. But I hope to like. Read. Maybe take a drive. Just have a nice day. I hope you all have a good day too. 

Goodnight everyone. Take care of yourselves!!  

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you weigh less than 130 pounds? Yeah, quite a bit less.

Do you straighten your hair every day? No. I haven’t straightened my hair in years.

What kind of car do you drive? I don’t drive.

What’s your favorite kind of ice cream? Strawberry, mint chocolate chip, birthday cake, and cookies and cream are good. I haven’t had ice cream in quite awhile, though. 

Do you wear earrings daily? No. It’s been awhile since I’ve worn earrings as well. 

Do you prefer purple or green grapes? Green.

When’s the last time you got your eyebrows waxed? I only got them waxed once and I was like 14.

Have you ever been in a tanning bed? No. Talk about claustrophobia. And I have no desire to do so anyway. 

Did your last kiss mean anything to you? Yeah.

How’s your hair right now? It’s up in its usual messy bun.

Have you ever wanted to go to Australia? I would love to.

What’s your favorite fast food restaurant? I’m not as into fast food as I used to be, but the ones I go to when I do have it are Chick-fil-A, Carl’s Jr, McDonald’s, and Jack in the Box.

When’s the last time you washed your hands? A few hours ago.

Who were you with the last time you were drunk and where were you? I was with a group of friends in a hotel room I rented for my birthday back in 2013.

What is one thing within the last year that if it had gone differently you feel might have changed things now? If I had done some things I should have been doing and managing things better regarding some of my health related issues.

What is something that you associate with summer? The miserable heat.

Have you ever ran around outside completely naked? Uh, no. Absolutely not.

When you’re hungry, does your stomach hurt? Sometimes. My body is super dramatic like that. I’ll feel weak sometimes and it’s like omg stop acting like you haven’t ate in days.

Would you say that you have a nice smile? No.

Have you ever walked in on your parents doing something kinky? Ahhhh, no.

Do you use mouthwash? No.

Do you eat anything out of a box? Yeah.

When’s the last time the fire alarm in your house went off? It’s never gone off. The only time it has made noise is when the batteries need to be replaced.

Can you be trusted with secrets? Yes.

Pill to make you braver or one to make you smarter? Braver. I’d be able to get some things taken care of that I’ve put off because I’m anxious and scared.

Are you in a hurry to grow up? I am grown up at 31 I guess, but I’m in no hurry to get older. I was never in any hurry.

When was the last time you used a bar of soap? Yesterday when I showered.

Do you keep notes, drawings or letters that people give you? Yes. I’m big on that.

Have you ever been locked in a car with a bf/gf? No. How would we be locked in the car?

Have you had a bf/gf that you never kissed? No. 

How many true best friends are present in your life? No friends, but I have my family.

Do you currently have a significant other? Nope.

Do your parents approve of the people you hang out with? They never had an issue with any of my friends.

Would you be able to stand being in the same room as someone you hate? I don’t hate anyone, so.

Have you ever lost a close friend? Yes.

Think of your current or last bf/gf. Do you/did you love them? I did.

Has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked like? I’m single, but no one said anything about the way my exes looked.

Have you ever stayed up late talking to a bf/gf on the phone or online? Yes.

Do your friends like the people you date? Do their friends like you? They had an issue with Joseph because they saw what I didn’t want to see, which was that he was using and playing me and wasn’t treating me right. I haven’t had an issue with their friends.

Do your parents let you date, or do you sneak around? I’m 31 years old. I can’t blame my non-existent dating life on that haha.

Have you ever felt backstabbed by a close friend? Yes.

Do you have any handshakes with anybody? No.

Do you feel you can rely on anybody to always be there for you? I know my family will always be there.

Have you ever regretted ignoring anybody? I’ve pushed people away and messed up good things. :/

What has been the stupidest reason someone has broken up with you? Joseph just didn’t want to commit. He wanted me when it was convenient and when he felt like it.

Have you ever kissed someone in their bedroom, or in yours? No.

Has a friend of yours ever confessed their love to you? No.

Have you gone out with someone, then ruined the friendship you had before? My first boyfriend and I were good friends before we started dating and yeah it definitely changed things after.

Can you trust any of your friends at full capacity? No friends. I trust my family, though.

Is the word 'love' even in your vocabulary? Yes.

Who do you think is more confusing, males or females? People are confusing.

Have you written or drawn anything for somebody else? No.

Do you have any pictures of yourself with a bf/gf? I have photos of myself and my exes.

Do your friends know how to make you smile in tough times? My family does. My doggo always can.

Has anybody said they loved you, but you didn't love them back? Yes.

Is there anyone you don't like that always seems to be everywhere you are? No.

Is there anyone you care about more than you care for yourself? My family.

What/who do you take the most pictures of? My doggo.

How long did you spend in a vehicle today? I’m not going anywhere today. 

When you make a mess are you more likely to clean it up right away, or do you get to it later? I clean it up right away.

Who do you blame for your bad mood today? I’m just annoyed because yesterday I slept until 6PM and today I’ve hardly slept at all, I kept getting up like every hour. It’s 10AM now and I first fell asleep around 6, so yeah not much sleep going on. :/

By what age would you like to be married? I don’t plan on getting married.

What are you looking forward to right now? Nothing at this moment.

Do you have any split ends? Yes.

Is there a book you're currently reading? Yeah, I’m finishing up this book called, “Anything for You” by Marissa Finch.

Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No.

When was the last time you went to the dentist? It’s been awhile. :/

The last time you cried, what was wrong? Oh ya know, life.

Do you sleep with a fan on? Yes, even now in the winter.

What's the last video game you played? Animal Crossing: New Horizons. 

What do you usually drink at meals? Coffee or water.

Are you going to a library tomorrow? No.

Do you sleep better during thunderstorms? No, but I do enjoy them.

Has anyone pissed you off based on their actions recently? Yes.

What language did you take up in high school? I took Spanish all 4 years.

You’re single, correct? Yep.

Is the last person you texted good looking? My mom is beautiful. 

At this very moment, what exactly are you doing? Besides the obvious I’m listening to an ASMR video.

How do you feel about girls smoking? I don’t care what gender is doing it, I personally don’t like it.

Have you ever been in a perfect relationship? No. Perfect relationships don’t exist.

Is the person you last texted in a relationship? Yeah, my mom is with my dad.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Nope.

Do you like “good morning” texts? I don’t get those.

Last movie you watched? Wonder Woman 1984.

Name something you like about winter: I love Christmastime, the weather, the clothes, the colors, the smells, the coziness...all of it.

What’s your favorite color? Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, and yellow.

Would you rather be called hun or baby? I don’t really care for either one.

Is there someone that you miss being close with? Yes.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms? When I was little.

Does anyone completely understand you? I don’t think completely. I certainly don’t completely understand myself.

In the last 12 months can you say you truly cared about someone? My family.

You were single last month, why? Uhh, because I’m not interested in or talking to anyone in that way. Like, there’s literally no one right now. No one is interested in me either.

Would you rather get 1, 12, or 24 roses? I’d appreciate any amount.

What is something you like to do when you’re down? Cry and one of my go-to activities I do normally as a distraction.

Do you believe teenagers can fall in love? Sure.

Have you ever received a text message that made you cry? Yes.

Did you enjoy your summer? Last summer was even worse because I wasn’t able to go to the beach, which is the only thing I like about summer.

When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off? I tend to just keep ‘em on.

Do you think relationships are even worth it? Yes.

Is any part of you sad at all? All of me.

Do you like your first name? Sure.

What’s most stressing right now? Health and life stuff.

What are you listening to currently? An ASMR video.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately? Not recently.

Dark hair or light hair in the opposite sex? Whichever.

Do you judge people you don’t know? Not to the point that I don't want to get to know them, but yeah. <<< That’s a good way of putting it. Like, I think we all judge people to some extent and that’s normal and not always a bad thing, but some people are judgmental people and they make up their own assumptions and opinions without getting to know a person. They have their mind made up and it stops them from getting to know someone. 

Would you date a boy/girl if you knew they were capable of cheating on you? I guess anyone is capable of doing so, so it’s something that could possibly happen in any relationship. However, if I knew someone had in fact cheated before or was known for that, then no I would not. Even if they had cheated once it would be something I’d worry about happening to me.

Did you sleep alone last night? I always do.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be? I’m kinda hungry, but meh.

Would you rather have ten kids, or none? None, hands down. I don’t even want one kid, let alone TEN.

Do you tell your mom or dad everything? I tell my mom a lot.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? It would absolutely matter to me if they smoked cigarettes.

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? Yes.

Do you have siblings? I have two brothers.

[proflongbttm]

Dating George Weasley headcannon:

I've been out of any story ideas so here you go!!

Him calling you "love" and "sweetheart"

You two dancing around like fools when your favourite songs come on

And singing your lungs out

You volunteer to be a test subject to some of his Weasley wheezes products

George didn't like it, he thought slipping products to filch was still a solid plan.

"Fred no,"

"FRED YES-"

It was a bad idea.

You soon found out there was no spells for regrowing eyelashes

George said you still looked great though ;)

"Hows the lashes baldy?"

"FRED,"

He's a relative fan of PDA, (hand holding,  an occasional kiss on the cheek or lips, leaning on each other ect)

Kisses you goodbye if you have different classes

But you're always either holding hands or linking arms when you're with each other

If you're sitting beside each other, it’s underneath the tables or desks.

He enjoys being able to know you're there in some way

Loves hugging you from behind and giving you a kiss on the cheek

Is very proud to be with you

You are a lot calmer then he is

There has to be a balance of chaos

Or the world night explode idk

But you are a lot calmer and senseable

Doesn't mean you don't have fun though.

You both living off of sweets

It's a miracle you both still have teeth

Especially George

How

Does

He

Have

Such

Good

Teeth?!??

Your dentist hates you because of him

He loves anything orange or apple flavour.

Him and Fred brought Ginny trick or treating a few times but took most o fthe sweets afterwarss

Now you and him just buy loads anytime

Getting piggy back rides when "your feet hurt"

So all the time

He tried to braid your hair once when you were relaxing

It just becomes a mass of tangled fluff.

"But Ginny makes it look so easy!! "

He apologized a lot afterwards while you ripped through your hair with a brush

"You know, I think the 'dragged through a bush' look really suits you. "

Fred and George always checking if you will mix them up.

George always hopes you wont

Fred hopes you will

You recognize the different scars on their faces, George has one by his nose from falling off his broom when he was six

Fred has one above his eyebrow from running into a tree like last week

So you find it easy to tell them apart Georges delight and Freds dismay.

"Hey there gorgeous-"

"Hey there Fred."

"HOW DOES SHE DO IT I-"

Helping him plan parties in the gryffindor common room, making sure they won't get caught.

Doing his homework helping him with his homework

Him copying your work helping him in class

Reassuring him. That he doesn't need lots of O. W. L. S to be successful or happy.

And making sure he knows that he is smart, it takes a lot of intelligence to create all the products he has with Fred.

Him passing notes to you in class. Often its "Hey Beautiful" and a badly drawn drawing of him winking.

One time Snape caught him and made him read it out, which George didn't care about.

He stood up proudly, look straight at you with a smile. "Alright love? " and winked at you.

Never gone so red in your life.

"OI GET A ROOM YOU TWO," (Fred)

It got all three of you into a nice and long detention.

That's where you spend a lot of time really

Filches nightmare

You three are a troubling trio indeed

(Secretly McGonagall loves it)

Its a mystery how Gryffindor won the house cup with you three around.

You help him plan pranks with Fred.

Making sure it's executed correctly so they won't get caught or leave evidence behind.

Sometimes you get pranked too, but George knows when he's crossed a line.

They sent you a howler before

You've never ran out of the great hall so fast, only to find it was Fred and George screaming "YOURE WELCOME" and that was it.

You were a little pissed after that one because of the slytherins mocking you.

But he made it up.

He is more emotionally aware than Fred

He knows where the line is and respects it

Isn't afraid to open up to you and talk to you.

About how much he adores you

Lots of cuddles

George is usually big spoon because of his height, but when he's in a bad mood he will be little spoon and let you play with his hair while he sulks

Always saves you a seat in the great hall beside him.

Fred pretends to be offended by this

"I don't see you saving ME a seat Georgie!"

Sometimes if you haven't spoken in a while or if you look sad he'll lightly nudge you and just smile at you, which always makes you smile back.

Shows you the secret passageway to Hogsmede and you both go on secret dates there on the weekends

Smuggling sweets from Honeydukes back to the school along with Zonko products.

Making a small business out of selling them in between Hogsmede trips or too the first and second years

Him sneaking into your common room (if in different houses) to cuddle.

For such a tall and noticeable boy he very rarely gets caught

If you're a hufflepuff you steal food from the kitchen for them because your common room is closer.

You attending all his quidditch matches and practices

He loves showing off to you during them.

Freds not happy about it

"Hey loverboy watch what you're doing!!"

He got knocked off of his broom mid backflip before

Fred brings it up every now and again to embaress him

"Hey Georgie I didn't take you for a gymnast, id stick to my day job mate. "

Took about a week for his pride to recover

And two weeks for his ribs

For christmas you get him and Fred new Bats that say their names on the handles and "Wealseys Wizard Wheezes" across them in a huge font

They both love them

"Thanks. sweetheart,"

"Yeah, thanks sweetheart."

"Oh, shove off Fred,"

If he can't afford to buy you something, he'll make it. He made a picture frame full of pictures of you both. The frame had your name across it and it changed color depending on the time of day.

You almost cried it was so cute

He was proud after that

Molly makes you a sweater at Christmas now,  it's the same color as George's

You both wear them with pride all christmas day

Draco Malfoy laughed at you for wearing it

"Now that you're with a Weasley you can't afford better clothes, hm Y/N? "

You had to hold George back from pouncing on him

You didn't stop him from cursing at him

He makes sure you know how much he cares in little ways, always checking up, little smiles, and just being there for you.

He can have a really foul mouth when he wants to

"Little blonde git. It would be really sad if a firework slipped into his jumper tomorrow don't you think y/n? "

Next day in the great hall half of Malfoys hair got singed of by a firework that burst into "Fuck you Malfoy" with a middle finger in the air.

Best part it you didnt get caught

Hough Snape was sure it was you

He had no proof at all

Because of your fine planning

"Now that was wicked, thanks for the help love."

He loves you

He really does

And he isn't afraid to show it

[malcolmwhitly-bright]

“I don’t like the idea of you walking down the streets all alone.” I’d love to see Gil say this to Malcolm, but Mal doesn’t listen & goes out anyways and gets WHUMPPEDD🤍

1. I’m so sorry this took so long

2. Don’t hate me for what you’re about to head. You said whump, didn’t say nothing about any comfort tho

Dani gets pregnant. A night of fun turned into her problem. So she sits in her apartment and sobs. The bathroom tile is cold and her bare legs freeze. Her hair is a mess. She can’t make spaghetti without making way too much. She doesn’t know how to braid and every time she opens a Capri sun she stabs the straw completely through it.

“Uhhh.” She doesn’t know why but she calls Malcolm. He picks up the phone with a groan and that’s something she’s learned about him recently. He’s up all night, she can almost always talk to him at any point during the night but if she wants to then Malcolm will answer just not conventionally. “Mmmmm?” He doesn’t know how to talk to people after a certain hour in the night (not that he knows how to during regular hours either).

She sighs,” I’m pregnant.”

Malcolm chokes. She’s not sure what he’s doing but all the noises in the background stops. Nothing but silence over the line as Malcolm processes the news he’s just been given. “Huh,” he clears his throat. “You know, all the times I dreamt about news like this I always thought it would come from a stranger over the phone. You know?” He hums,” or, you know, it would at least come from someone I had slept with.”

Dani rolls her eyes. She tosses the test down on the floor, letting it clatter until it slides against the toilet. She hears Malcolm move over the phone, not thinking anything about it until she hears him pick up his keys. “What’re you doing?” She’s suddenly self-conscious about calling him. He’s not the father. Why did she call him? He can’t-

“Uhm,” Malcolm climbs into his car, she can hear the door shut. “I was gonna hit the corner shop. Pick up some ice cream.” 

Dani’s eyebrows pinch in confusion.

“Mint chocolate chip is still your favorite, right?” The car stops and she leans against the toilet seat. She can’t help but smile at his thoughtfulness. This is why she called him. “Oh, or I could get those sandwiches- Now I’m hungry. I’m never hungry.”

Dani smiles. Her problems melting away. She can figure this out. It’s a baby. Nothing can ever compare to dealing with Malcolm Bright. “I would really appreciate the ice cream.”

She can hear his smile,” trust me, I know.” After a moment he adds,” if I get chicken nuggets do you want to spl-”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t even let me finish, Dani.”

She rolls her eyes. She knows exactly what he was going to say. Her + Him + a 20 piece chicken nugget meal from McDonald’s. He’ll order a large iced tea, drink half on the ride over, and give her the rest. “I’ll see you when you get here.” She looks down at the test,” and… Thank you, Malcolm. For-For coming.”

Malcolm chuckles,” anytime, you know that.”

For some reason, he really means that.

“Stop looking at my vagina Bright!”

Malcolm shakes his head, eyes huge. His hand is holding hers and he’s as pale as a ghost. As far as the nurses know he’s the dad. It was the only way Gil could get him back and Gil had to get Malcolm back there. Dani’s broken sobs, ‘I can’t do this! I can’t!’ were breaking his heart and Gil knew the only person who could help her was sitting in the waiting room just as much as a mess.

Malcolm glances back down, each time a doctor or nurse shouts his eyes look. He can’t help it. “I’m not trying to,” he defends himself, wincing when her hand tightens around his. “Her head is huge Dani and she’s got so much hair.”

Dani screams, pushing as the nurse asks her to. 

“Dad?” The doctor stands, a ball of wiggling, crying baby in his hands. “Wanna cut the cord?”

Malcolm looks at Dani, eyes still huge and he has no idea what to do. 

Dani’s sobbing too. Utterly exhausted. She nods her head and he knows she wants him to. It’s an unasked, unsaid invitation into her and her child’s life.

“She’s got so much hair,” Malcolm’s afraid to touch her. He can’t tear his eyes away though. The parenting books didn’t say anything about all the hair. Every baby he’d ever seen was bald. Then again, Dani has very thick curly hair so maybe it’s genetics. Would that mean babies with bald dads aren’t born with hair? He opens his mouth to ask but she cuts him off.

“Will you be her GodFather?”

Malcolm freezes. Emotions flooding his brain. People don’t trust him things let alone their children. He breaks mugs all the time, his hands are just too shaky. He forgets to eat and he’s a hazard to himself. 

“You don’t have to-”

“Dani,” Malcolm smiles sadly down at her. “I would love nothing more.” He reaches down and squeezes her hand,” I was just surprised you ask.”

Dani squeezes his hand back. She looks down at the baby in her arms, sleeping peacefully. Dani knows, without a doubt in her mind, that she wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Malcolm. He’s been her rock. 

Nights full of ugly sobs as she cries through crappy romcoms. Tucking her cold toes under his thighs on the couch. Morning sickness. Giving up coffee for three months when she told him the scent made her want to vomit. Going out to get weird foods. Holding her hand through labor.

She smiles up at him,” you’re my best friend, Malcolm. Who else would I ask?” 

The room suddenly fills with people. JT, his wife, Gil, and Edrisa. They’ve got balloons and flowers. Malcolm steps away from the bed. Allows them their moment but Dani doesn’t miss the way his eyes track the baby, never leaving her tiny body no matter who is holding her.

He’s there though. 

For everything.

“Mallory does not like peas,” he informs her, weird-looking green vomit on his shirt.

-

“Tell your mommy what you just called me,” he holds her up under her arms, acting angry as Mallory babbles some nonsense to Dani. 

-

“No, no,” he says from her living room. Mallory out on the carpet in front of him. “Say, Malcolm. Malcolm?” Mallory screeches, throwing a block against another block. She offers him a ‘mamama!’ He groans.

-

“Yeah!” He’s right beside Dani, arms raised in the air in triumph. All three of them shouting in glee, Mallory falling back on her little butt. “I can’t believe it!” He declares,” she took her first steps!”

-

“These are big girl underwear,” he shows her the carebears on them. “If you don’t have an accident in your pull-up, I’ll let you wear them.” He smiles back at Mallory’s excited grin,” I’ll buy you all the big girl underwear you want. Just no more accidents.”

-

“I’ll squeeze him tight,” Malcolm squeezes the stuffed bear tight to his chest. Mr. Bear, he notes because Mallory has named all her stuffed animals but this one is special. He gave it to her and she has to take him everywhere. “Now,” he lays the stuffed bear beside her,” you’ll have all the Malcolm hugs you’ll ever need. Okay?” She nods and he places a kiss on her forehead,” okay, goodnight, Mal.”

-

“You’re okay,” he holds her close to his chest. She hiccups miserably, her skinned knee aching. “You know what happens now?” She shakes her head, not even bothering to pull her head out of his shoulder. “You have to try again. Get back up on your bike.” She pulls back to object and he cups her cheeks in his hand,” I’ll be right here, Mallory. I promise.”

Until one night, insomnia gets the best of him.

“I don’t like the idea of you walking down the streets all alone.”

He lays in the frigid cold. His own blood a puddle around his waist. Gil was always nagging about Malcolm’s late-night walks. ‘There’s safety in numbers’, that was Gil’s philosophy. Recently, Gil dropped his consistent reminders. Malcolm was always with Dani and Mallory though. That kid wears him down, he’s dead on his feet most nights.

Except, Dani took today off and treated Mallory to a day at the museum. Leaving Malcolm to sort out his own plans for the day. Hince the need for a mid-night walk.

“Give me your money” turned into a sharp knife too quickly. Malcolm’s trembling hands unable to produce any money. Malcolm’s hands stained with his own blood.

He tries to fight it, at first. His body numbing to the pain, his eyes drifting shut. He promised to take Mallory to the dentist for Dani tomorrow. Promised Mallory a special surprise afterward. It’s too much. The cold, the pain. 

There was a point in his life he imagined death so much it seemed like an old friend. A means to an awful life, an escape. In its grasp now, he’s afraid. He wants to stay. To fulfill his promises. He wants more time. 

He needs more time.

Hadn’t realized what he has until it’s slipping through his fingertips.

“No!” It’s Gil who gets the call. Who holds Dani as she sobs, openly and freely. She curses him and she shouts at nothing and calls it Malcolm. He’s hurt them all, reckless and stupid until the end.

“You can’t fix me, Dani.” Years ago, now. On her couch, a tub mint chocolate chip ice cream between them. Her stomach large with her unborn child in it. His eyes heavy, voice soft. “I’m not who you think I am.” So unsure, convinced he was unfit. He could never help her, not with a baby.

Except, he did. Mallory’s father is out of the picture but she always had Malcolm. They both did.

“Baby-” Dani squats down in front of Mallory. Cupping her daughter’s cheek and praying that she can find the right words to make her understand. To explain that Malcolm’s not coming back. “You love Mr. Bear.” Dani rubs the old bear’s ears thoughtfully. Remember the eagerness Malcolm had for her and Mallory. In life and in general. 

Mallory nods her understanding, her own hand joining in her mother’s soft toying of the bear’s ear. She does love Mr. Bear. From the moment Malcolm gave her him he’s gone everywhere with her. Every day of Mallory’s life Malcolm has been there. Picking her up from school while Dani hunts bad guys. Taking her for ice cream just because. Cuddling on the couch for Saturday movie nights. Buying her popcorn and candy at the movies even when Dani insists Mallory doesn’t need both.

Those things are never going to happen again.

Dani brushes a strand of her daughter’s hair behind her ear,” baby. Do you remember what we talked about with Grandpa Gil?” Death is permanent. Her daughter doesn’t understand permanent. 

Dani can sympathize with that. There’s a part of her that keeps waiting for Malcolm to show up and give her some crappy excuse. Blame it on some vaguely disguised daddy issue. To hug her. She already misses his hugs. The scent of his cologne in a room. Him falling asleep on the couch when she’s trying to talk to him. 

“If you put Mr. Bear with Malcolm,” tears prick her eyes. She shouldn’t have to explain this to her daughter. “You’ll never see him again.” A tear slides down her cheek,” either of them.” Dani sniffles and wipes her cheek of the tear. She smiles sadly,” and Mr. Bear is your best friend. You don’t want to lose him.”

Mallory looks puzzled and Dani’s hoping that she can grasp what being said. After a moment, Mallory shakes her head, disagreeing. “No mommy,” she says softly,” Malcolm is my best friend.” She frowns,” and Malcolm is scared of the dark. So, I want to give him Mr. Bear so he won’t be so scared.”

“Baby-”

Mallory hugs Mr. Bear tight to her chest. Squeezing him with all her might. She offers Dani the bear,” you have to charge him up with hugs, mommy.”

Dani cries openly as she clutches that stupid bear to her chest. 

Mallory smiles proudly,” good job! Now Malcolm will have your hugs too.”

Dani chokes on a sob but she manages a watery smile,” that’s right, baby.”

Mallory stands for a long time, just looking down at her bear. She squeezes her mother’s hand,” I’m gonna miss him, mommy.”

Dani stands numbly. The wind blowing straight through her coat. If Malcolm were here, her Malcolm, he’d wrap an arm around her. Produce a scarf from seemingly nowhere. Something that somehow makes this impossible moment okay. Bearable. “Me too.”

[myownsuperintendent]

New Fic: “Stomach Flu”

Emily brings home the stomach flu from kindergarten.  Soon Scully catches it too--or does she? MSR, AU fluff, vomit content warning.  Also here at Ao3.

.....

Mulder wakes to the sound of a voice in the darkness.  “Mommy? Daddy?”  Next to him, Scully stirs.  “I threw up.”

Scully switches on the light.  “You did, huh?” she says, surveying Emily, who’s standing next to the bed.  Her face is flushed, and there’s evidence of the throwing up on her pajama top.

Emily nods.  “On my bed too.”

“Poor thing,” Scully says, starting to get out of bed.  “Do you still feel sick?”

“I don’t know,” Emily says.

“Well, we’ll get you cleaned up and we’ll take your temperature,” Scully says; she’s all the way out of bed now, and she takes Emily’s hand.  “And we’ll see how you’re doing.”

“You’ll be okay, Em,” Mulder says.  He gets out of bed as well now, and they all make their way across the hall to Emily’s room.

He handles stripping and remaking the bed (thankfully Emily’s teddy bear was spared);  he can hear Scully talking to Emily from the bathroom. “Hmm,” she says.  “You do have a little bit of a fever, sweetheart.  Does your stomach hurt?”

“A little.”

“Were you feeling sick before you went to bed?” Scully continues.  “Or did you just wake up and feel sick?”

“I just woke up.”

“Well, you’re all cleaned up now,” Scully says, “so I’m going to give you some medicine, and then you can go back to bed.  I think sleeping will help you feel better.”  He hears Emily protesting the medicine, as she inevitably does, and he smiles to himself as he puts a fresh blanket on the bed: she can’t be feeling too, too awful. 

“It tastes bad.”

“I know,” Scully says. “But it’ll help you feel better. Do you feel like you might throw up again, if you go back to bed?”

“I don’t know,” Emily says.

“We’ll leave you the basin then,” Scully says.  “Just in case.”  They come back to the bedroom then, Emily in clean pajamas now.

“How’re you feeling, Em?” he asks her.  She shrugs, and he stoops down to give her a hug.  “Like your mom said,” he tells her, “let’s get you back into bed.  And you might feel all better in the morning.” He tucks her in, and they both kiss her goodnight and tell her she can come get them again if she needs anything.

“She has a fever?” he asks Scully as they’re heading back to their own bed.

Scully nods.  “A small one.  I think it’s just a bug.  But we’ll see how she’s doing tomorrow.”

“She’s got a good doctor in the house,” he says, and Scully manages a smile at that.

In the morning, Emily throws up again; Scully tends to her while Mulder goes to call the school. “They said they’re not surprised,” he says, coming back to Emily’s room, where Scully is tucking her back into bed. “There’s a stomach flu going around at the school.”

“That would explain it,” Scully says.  “Have other kids in your class been out sick, sweetheart?”

Emily nods. “Katie.  And Alex J.”

“Well, you’ll probably have to stay home for a couple of days,” Scully says.  “But I’ll stay with you, and we can do some fun things.”

“Will you read to me?” Emily asks.

“Of course I will,” Scully says.  “What book would you like?”

“Betsy-Tacy,” Emily says, after a minute, and Scully goes to get it from the shelf.  

“You’ll tell Skinner I’m not going to be in?” she asks, looking up at Mulder from her position next to the book case.

“You can count on me,” he says.  “Sure you don’t want me to stay?”

“We’ll be fine,” she says.  “I’ll call you to check in, though.”  He doesn’t protest this.  Since last year, when he and Scully got married and he officially adopted Emily, he’s taken on his share of everything—even the unpleasant tasks (taking Emily to the dentist), especially the pleasant ones (receiving elaborate crayon drawings with accompanying hugs)—but Scully still takes charge when it comes to sickness. This is partially because she knows more about it and partially because she’ll go crazy if she doesn’t get to; he stayed home with Emily once, when she had a bad cold, and Scully called them roughly every thirty minutes to see how she was doing.  So he’ll hold down the fort with the X-Files today, and Scully will spend the day with Emily, reading books and heating up soup.  He knows she worries, even though Emily hasn’t been really sick since those first days.  He worries with her.  But this time Emily will be okay, he thinks; it’s just a stomach flu, just something that’s going around the school.  He kisses them both goodbye before he goes.

He talks to Scully on the phone around noon—Emily’s napping, after having had some soup, and her fever is down a bit.  He leaves work a little early and stops at the store on the way home, where he picks up a coloring book and a Beanie Baby cat.  He comes into the apartment quietly, in case she’s sleeping again, but she’s awake; he finds the two of them sitting in Emily’s room, Scully reading to her again.  “Hi there,” he says.  “Feeling better, Em?”

“My stomach still hurts,” she says.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he says.  “I hope it feels better really soon.  Here, I brought you some things.  To keep you company while you have to stay home.”  He holds out the coloring book and the cat, and Emily’s eyes light up.

“Thank you, Daddy,” she says, taking the cat into her arms, looking at the tag to see what its name is.  Scully smiles too, watching her.  

“How was work?” she asks.

“Just paperwork,” he says.  “Boring without you.”

“Without being able to pawn it off on me, you mean,” she says, still smiling.

“When did I ever do that?” he asks.

“Mommy was reading me Betsy-Tacy,” Emily says. “But we’re almost finished.  Maybe we’ll read the second one tomorrow.  If I’m still sick.”

“Well, we certainly hope you’re not,” Scully says.  “But if you are, of course I’ll read to you.”

“Okay,” Emily says. She looks tired, and still a little flushed, but content.  

Emily throws up again the next morning, which means another day home from kindergarten.  She talks to Mulder when Scully calls him that afternoon.  “My stomach feels funny,” she says.  “And I had to have medicine.  But we’re reading Betsy-Tacy and Tib.  And I colored a picture of birds in the book you gave me.”

“I can’t wait to see it,” he tells her.  “You keep resting, sweetheart.  And listen to your mom, even if she gives you more medicine.  She’s a really good doctor, you know.”

“I know,” she says, sounding wiser than a five-year-old has any right to.  “But I still don’t like medicine.”

“Nobody does,” he says.  “But we all have to take it, from time to time.  Even if we don’t like it.”  He’s still not sure if he’s the right person to be giving lessons on doing things that are good for you even when you don’t like them.  He’s avoided that often enough.  But he’s Emily’s dad now, so it’s his job, and he’ll try to do the best with it he can.

Her stomach still hurts the next morning, but the fever is gone, and she doesn’t throw up again. By the evening, when he gets home, she’s feeling almost all better.  “I think we’ll keep you home tomorrow,” Scully says, “just in case.  And it’ll be Friday anyway.  But I bet you can go back on Monday.  Good as new.”  She smoothes Emily’s hair.

“Good as new,” Emily repeats.

He wakes suddenly on Friday morning, sure that Emily’s sick again; he hears the unmistakeable sounds of someone throwing up.  But when he goes to investigate, it’s Scully, bent over the toilet in their bathroom. “Oh, honey,” he says.  He kneels down beside her, putting one hand on her back, holding her hair with the other.  “Emily’s stomach flu?” he asks, when she’s finished and is sitting back, with a clammy look to her face that he’s seen on their daughter over the past week.

“Looks like it,” she says, disgust evident in her voice.  He doesn’t know which she hates more, seeing Emily sick or being sick herself. It’s a very close race.

“It’s okay,” he tells her.  “We’ll all stay home today.  I’ll take care of both of you.  All right?”

She nods—probably because she doesn’t have a choice—and he goes to call Skinner while she gets back into bed.  When Emily gets up, she’s a lot brighter and more energetic than she’s been, which he senses may pose a challenge.  “Your mom’s sick this morning,” he tells her.  “She has the stomach flu now too.”

Emily looks sober. “I could read to her now.  And she can color in my book if she wants.  There are still five pictures left.  She can have the one of the puppies.”  He can tell from the tone of her voice that this is a tremendous sacrifice.  

“I don’t think your mom would want to take that from you,” he says.

“Well, she can have another one of the pictures then,” Emily says.  “I’ll go give her the book right now.”  She starts for their bedroom, coloring book in hand.

“Em,” he says, calling her back; she turns and looks at him.  “Just be…gentle, okay?  Your mom doesn’t feel well, and she might just want to rest.”

Emily nods.  “I know,” she says.  “I just wanted to rest, all week.”  She looks very serious about it, so he makes sure he doesn’t laugh. “I’ll be very nice.”

“Okay,” he says, and Emily goes into the bedroom.

Scully declines the offer of a picture to color, but she suggests that Emily sit next to her and color one herself, which seems to suit her just as well.  Mulder brings tea for Scully and apple juice for Emily, and Emily insists on reading the end of Betsy-Tacy and Tib to her mom.  “Because you read to me all week,” she says.  Mulder sits next to them and listens too, as Emily carefully sounds out the words.

Emily seems to be feeling entirely better by the end of the day, and even Scully isn’t feeling as bad as she did in the morning.  “Maybe I don’t have Emily’s stomach flu after all,” she says, hopefully, as they sit around the kitchen table eating soup.

“That would be good,” Mulder says, “for all of us,” and she rolls her eyes at him.

But she’s throwing up again, the next morning, looking thoroughly annoyed with the entire situation. Mulder brings more soup, more tea, more crackers.  Emily offers to read another story.  “You’ll feel better soon, Mommy,” she says, brushing Scully’s hair back from her forehead with a gesture he’s seen Scully use on her many times.  She really does pick up everything.  It still astonishes him.

Emily’s stomach flu lasted five days, but Scully’s is still going strong after a week.  And then a week and a half.  “Will Mommy get better soon?” Emily asks him at breakfast one morning, when he’s trying to get her ready for school and check on Scully at the same time.

“I hope so, sweetheart,” Mulder says.  “Sometimes it just takes a little while.”

“Will she have to go to the hospital?”  Emily has a complicated fascination-repulsion relationship with the concept of hospitals, these days.

“Well, we hope she’ll get better on her own,” Mulder says, “but if she did go to the hospital, that wouldn’t be a terrible thing.  Hospitals are there to help people get better.  We’ve all been in hospitals, right?  Me and you and your mom.  And they’ve helped us all.”

“Yeah,” Emily says, but she sits there after that, pushing the cereal back and forth in the bowl with her spoon instead of finishing it.  

He decides he won’t push it.  “Your mom is so strong,” he says.  “She’s going to be fine.”  He gives her an extra hug when he drops her off that morning.  He thinks they both need it.

Because he’s more worried than he’ll show in front of Emily.  He’s beginning to think that Scully may have been right—that she doesn’t have Emily’s stomach flu—only he’s not so sure that’s a good thing, now. He’s afraid this might be something worse.  He can’t help thinking about four years ago, seeing her so sick.  And they weren’t even…now they have so much more to lose. Whatever he said to Emily, he doesn’t like the idea of Scully needing to go to the hospital.  But he doesn’t like the idea of her not going, either, if this isn’t just some ordinary illness.

He goes to check on her when he gets home; she’s lying in bed, trying to read the newspaper and looking clammy.  “How’re you feeling?” he asks.  

She shrugs. “I’ve been better.”

“Do you…”  He floats the suggestion cautiously.  “Do you think you might need to go to the doctor?”

“I am a doctor,” she says.

“Fully aware of that,” he says, trying to smile, trying not to jump to frightening conclusions. “But you can’t…I don’t know, look down your own throat.”

Her smile is weak, but at least she’s not too sick to smile.  “True.  But I’m fine, Mulder.  I’m just taking a little longer to get over this, that’s all.  It’s probably because we’ve been so busy recently.  You get run down.”

“Yeah,” he says.  “Yeah, you’re probably right.  Maybe we can take some extra time off in December, when Em’s off from school.  Go on vacation.  Somewhere warm.”

“Oh,” she says. “Oh, that sounds so nice,” and her smile is stronger now.

“Then it’s a plan,” he says.  “You just work on feeling better before then.”

“It’s only October, Mulder,” she says.  “I’m sure I’ll feel better soon.”

But she’s not better, the next week, and he decides that they can’t keep going on like this. “Scully,” he says, one morning when she’s just returned from throwing up in the bathroom for the third time.  He feels like he might be taking advantage of her weakened state, but if he can get her to go to the doctor, he doesn’t care. “You need to see a doctor about this.”

“No, I don’t,” she says.  “It’s just the stomach flu.”

“It’s not the stomach flu.”

“It is,” she says. “I caught it from Emily.”

“This is nothing like what Emily had,” he says.  “She got over it in five days, and she was feeling better all the time.  You’ve had this…whatever it is…for more than two weeks now.  And you keep feeling worse.  Don’t you?” She doesn’t answer, which he knows how to interpret.  “So it’s not the stomach flu.”

“Okay, maybe it’s not,” she says.  “But that doesn’t mean I need to see a doctor.”

“Yes, you do,” he says.  “Scully, I hate seeing you like this.”

“It’s not all about you.”

“Well, it’s more about you,” Mulder says, “but I think it’s about me a little.  We are married.  Last I checked, that meant I was allowed to worry about you.”

“There isn’t anything to worry about,” Scully says, but there’s no conviction in her words.

He sits down next to her on the bed, putting an arm around her shoulders.  “Hey,” he says, “what’s going on?  Why don’t you want to see a doctor?”  She doesn’t say anything.  “Honey,” he says, gently.  “Talk to me.”

“I don’t think it’s the stomach flu either,” she says, quietly.  “What if…what if I’m sick again, Mulder?”

“Well, I don’t think it’s the stomach flu,” Mulder says, “but it’s…it’s probably not anything that bad, Scully.  It wasn’t like this before, was it?  Not the same symptoms?”

She shakes her head. “No.  But that doesn’t mean…it still could be…I just don’t know.”

He holds her tight. “That’s why you need to see a doctor, honey.  It might be something that’s really easy to fix.  And even if it’s not…well, they’ll be able to take care of you.  Do something about it.  I don’t want you getting sicker.”

“I don’t want that either,” she says.  “Of course I don’t.”

“We need you,” he says.  “Me and Emily.  She’s worried about you too, you know.  So will you please go to see a doctor?”

She nods slowly. “Give me my phone,” she says. “I’ll make an appointment for tomorrow.”

The next morning, he half asks her if he can come along and half tells her that he will be coming; she seems to like the idea, though, especially since she doesn’t feel well enough for driving.  He holds her hand in the waiting room and sits next to her once she’s in with the doctor, explaining her symptoms, taking tests.  He holds her hand again while they’re waiting for the doctor to come back with the results.

She squeezes his hand, tightly.  “Did you think she sounded concerned?”

“I’d hope she’s concerned,” Mulder says.  “That’s her job.”

“You know what I mean,” Scully says.  “I mean, do you think she thought I was…?”  She trails off, a nervous look on her face.

“Scully, no,” he says. “We’re here now.  Let’s just…let’s just wait and hear what she has to tell us.” Doing that is hard for him too, but he tries to keep his voice calm, tries to reassure her as best he can. “Whatever happens,” he says, “I’ll be there.  With whatever you need.”

“I know you will,” Scully says.  “But Emily, Mulder.  She’s already been through so much…if I’m sick again…”

He doesn’t know what to say.  He doesn’t want to think about the possibilities.  “We’ll take care of each other,” he says.  “That’s a promise.”  He means it, but he feels like it doesn’t mean much.  Scully doesn’t say anything more, just holding his hand tightly until the doctor comes back in.

“I have your test results, Dana,” she announces.  “And I’m happy to say that you’re not ill.”

“What do you mean?” Scully asks.

“You’re pregnant,” the doctor says, and Mulder stares, because those were not words he expected to hear.  Not now, not about Scully, not about them.  “Based on the information you gave me, I’d say that you’re about two months along.”

“I…what?” Scully says. From the expression on her face, she’s as shocked as Mulder is, maybe even more so.  She keeps opening and closing her mouth, and she doesn’t seem able to form a complete sentence.  “I…what…how…but I can’t…”

“I know this can come as a surprise,” the doctor says.  “We’re happy to offer you help and resources—”

“No!  This is…it’s good,” Scully says.  Her hand is still lying against Mulder’s, and he takes it between both of his own; she gives him a stunned smile.  “I just…they said I couldn’t…how?”

The doctor looks a bit confused; since he’s the one here for moral support, Mulder figures he ought to try to explain to her.  “I...they said…”  He’s not feeling much more articulate than Scully is at the moment—this is too wondrous—but he makes his best effort.  “We thought she couldn’t get pregnant,” he manages.  “Not that we’re not happy…”  And that’s strange too, that he’s saying how he feels to this doctor, someone he’s never met before.  That the moment isn’t just him and Scully.  “Do you know why?”

“These things do happen,” the doctor says.  She doesn’t have a better explanation than they do, apparently.  Scully’s still gaping at him.

“Do you think…could we have a minute?” he finally says.  He wants to try to wrap his head around this, and he knows Scully does too, and he thinks they might be able to do that slightly better without the doctor.

“Of course,” she says. “I’ll be back soon with some more information for you.”  And she turns and goes.

“Mulder…” Scully breathes, once they’re alone.  “Mulder, I’m…did she just say…”

“I think so,” he says.  He presses her to him; maybe that will show her what he doesn’t have the words for now. “I think so.”

“How do you think…?”

“I don’t know,” he says.  “I mean, we have been doing plenty of what usually causes it…”  She laughs, but when she looks up at him there are tears in her eyes.  He feels them in his own, too.

“You’re happy about it too, right?” she says.  “I know we never thought…”

“Scully, of course I’m happy,” he says.  “How could I not be?”  He kisses her, the top of her head, her cheek, her lips.  He presses one hand to her belly, gently; she doesn’t look any different than she did ten minutes ago, of course, but this new knowledge makes everything feel like it’s changed.  “If this baby’s even half as amazing as Emily,” he tells her, “it’s going to be one of the greatest kids who ever lived.”  He pauses.  “I don’t like saying ‘it.’  When can we find out if it’s a boy or a girl?”

“Not this early, usually,” Scully says.  “Do you want to find out, though?”

It’s not a question he’s ever thought about.  It’s not a question he’s ever thought he would get to think about.  “I think so,” he says.  “If you do.”

“I think so too,” Scully says.  “Mulder…we’re going to have a baby.”  She kisses him again.  “I’m just…oh God, I’m so happy.”  She shakes her head.  “I still don’t understand how, though.”

“A miracle,” Mulder says.  “An impossible thing before breakfast.”

She laughs. “Maybe you’re right.  I didn’t have breakfast.”

“Do you feel like eating now?” he asks.  “It’s good for you to eat.  Right?”

“I think it’s good for everyone to eat, yes,” Scully says.  She hasn’t stopped smiling.  

“Well, when we get out of here, I’ll take you for breakfast.  Or lunch.  Or brunch. Or whatever meal it’s time for now,” he says.  They haven’t really been here that long, but it feels like it’s another epoch now.  “I told you I’d be here with whatever you needed, right?”

“You did,” Scully says.  “And I’m going to hold you to that.”

“I’d be offended if you didn’t,” he says, and he holds her close, and he kisses her again. They’re going to have a baby.  In the spring, they’ll have two children. He wonders how he got to be so lucky, all of a sudden.  That seems like its own miracle.

It’s almost one when they leave the doctor’s office, armed with informational pamphlets and the date of Scully’s next appointment.  They go to eat, smiling at each other across their meals, their hands touching on the tabletop.  Then they go to pick up Emily from kindergarten.

“We should still take that vacation,” Scully says on the drive over, “the one you were talking about last week.  We’re going to be extra busy soon, you know.”

“Good thinking,” he says.  

“And it’ll be nice to do that with Emily,” she adds, “while she’s still the baby.”

“Yeah,” he says, smiling.  “I hope she’ll be happy too, though.  When she finds out.”

“It’s a little early to tell her,” Scully says.  “But in a couple of months…I hope she will too.  It’ll be more change for her.”

“But some changes are good,” Mulder says, and Scully nods.  “And anyway, she’ll be happy today to see that you’re out of bed.”

That certainly proves to be the case.  “Mommy!” Emily squeals as they collect her outside her classroom.  They usually trade off with pick-up duty, but Mulder’s been doing it singlehanded for the last couple of weeks.  “You’re here!”

“I am,” Scully says, stooping down to hug her.  “And I’m very happy to be.”

“So you’re feeling better?” Emily asks, clinging to Scully’s hand as they walk back to the car.

“Yes, much better,” Scully says.  “I went to the doctor today, and she said there’s nothing wrong with me.  And I should be feeling all better soon.”

“That’s good,” Emily says.  “That’s so good.”

Emily insists that Scully sit in the back with her on the way home (Mulder keeps glancing at them in the rearview mirror), and when they get back to the apartment she drags her to sit with her on the couch while she colors.  Scully obliges, smiling, brushing back Emily’s hair, and Mulder joins them too, watching them both.  Scully catches his eye then, and they share a look over Emily’s head; he knows they’re both thinking about the future, about what they have coming.  There’ll be more time to talk about it later, but right now Emily wants them to show them her picture, and they turn to look at that.

[quackspot]

imagine someone just going 1-200 and you have to answer 200 questions for a stranger

well u better strap up becuase im about to do it

200: My crush’s name is: i dunno who do u think my crush’s name is199: I was born in: a year which is 2004198: I am really: a homo sapien197: My cellphone company is:  i think its samsung196: My eye color is: brown195: My shoe size is: 9 or 9.5 i think just 9194: My ring size is: WAIT RINGS HAD SIZES????? i dunno193: My height is: 5′4 ISH but i just say 5′4 because im actually really sensitive about my height and the less than an inch that brings me to 5′4 makes me somewhat happier with myself192: I am allergic to: maybe dustmites 191: My 1st car was: not yet190: My 1st job was: NOT YET189: Last book you read: technically a book called Dad Jokes theyre really funny jokes but if you mean story with plot then probably Grand & Humble unless if you include everything then yesterday i peeked in some books188: My bed is: a bed which i sleep in and that’s pretty much it actually i havent really made my bed in a while 187: My pet: jax and nibsy r the family pets jax is a shih-poo shihtzu poodle mix and nibsy is a cat186: My best friend: my brother185: My favorite shampoo is: shampoo184: Xbox or ps3: hard choice there’s xbox overall and little big planet this is actually a very hard choice lksiiro3jedsklmf,gsda little big planet is great........................183: Piggy banks are: piggy banks. theyre great182: In my pockets: I DONT HAVE POCKETS IM A WOMAN181: On my calendar: whats a calendar lol!!!!180: Marriage is: marriage 179: Spongebob can: dodod od odo dodooo178: My mom: IS GREAT i lov her shes a good mom177: The last three songs I bought were? i dont buy songs i listen to them176: Last YouTube video watched: i mean im listening to boyfriend big time rush on youtube right now but if you mean actual watching its snufkin saying “hi moomin” to moomin a quick 6 second clip175: How many cousins do you have? i duno174: Do you have any siblings? yeah173: Are your parents divorced? yeah172: Are you taller than your mom? probably not :(171: Do you play an instrument? i play the trumpet i did it today and it was really boring i dont want to go to any more graduations not even my own170: What did you do yesterday? things[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: not really but somewhat and i like it because its a fun little thing to put in fiction 168: Luck: yea im very lucky167: Fate: its my destiny to die someday . . .. .  in the futuuuuuuuuuuure

166: Yourself: as far as im aware no165: Aliens: yeah probably164: Heaven: i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing163: Hell:i know it probably isnt real but i cant help believing162: God: only to blame them for stuff161: Horoscopes: yea theyre fun to read160: Soul mates: ehehehehehhe fun in fanfiction and would greatly b ok with it irl159: Ghosts: who else would hold my hand at night...... not even a ghost :) (but yea i do believe in them when i grow up i wana be a ghost)158: Gay Marriage: why wouldnt i believe in gay marriage 157: War: what is it good for156: Orbs: borb155: Magic: i like magic so i will believe in it [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: yes153: Drunk or High: probably high i guess152: Phone or Online: ONLINE151: Red heads or Black haired: black haired 150: Blondes or Brunettes: BRUNETTES dude blondes r ok but i personally like darker hair149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: SUMMER I HATE WINTER SO FUCKIGNT OASJKU*($@IRWJKOSDIUOKLJEZUDIFLK:LDSK:LKF:LJIODSKZVDJFKL mostly becuase i hate being cold and i hate snow becuase i have to shovel snow and its so cold147: Autumn or Spring: either one 146: Chocolate or vanilla: choc o late145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: curly but i guess straight is ok142: McDonalds or Burger King: burbger king good milkshakese141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: idk uhh milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: neither......138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich i can just buy surgeries to make me prettier lmao137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: i dont wanna answer this :(((((( i dont like being bullied135: Burried or cremated: cremated babye put me in the flames ;3c134: Singing or Dancing: i like singing i like dancing i like trains 133: Coach or Chanel: what132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are these people131: Small town or Big city: im just a mere small town babye ;3c big cities sound scary 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target has the good cheeseballs129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: i only know adam sandler128: Manicure or Pedicure: i dont do my nails 127: East Coast or West Coast: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh both are coasts126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday i get more gifts then uwu125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: disney because idk what six flags is isnt it a restaurant or something123: Yankees or Red Sox: a baseball bat [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: what is it good for!121: George Bush: idk 120: Gay Marriage: yeah gay rights119: The presidential election: im not that into politics so i dont understand the elections and i dont think their fair since i get all my facts from adam ruins everything this isnt even a joke118: Abortion: pro choice i dont giv a crap about some lifeless baby. its only alive if it can properly move its arms or cry or feel.117: MySpace: haha dead116: Reality TV: idk 115: Parents: theyre parents 114: Back stabbers: ow my back113: Ebay: website.... money112: Facebook: lizard man111: Work: what110: My Neighbors: idk who they are but my old neighbor was one of my best friends i should talk to him this summer109: Gas Prices: probably too high108: Designer Clothes: clothes107: College: something i dont plan on going to any time soon106: Sports: something i dont plan on doing any time soon105: My family: a family104: The future: spooky. very scary. idk what my job will be[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: idk (update it was today)102: Last time you ate: 4:13 ish i made ramne101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: i duno100: Cried in front of someone: today i suppose i almost cried???? maybe my dentist appointment a few weeks ago??99: Went to a movie theater: lego movie 2 i think98: Took a vacation: 6th grade im in 9th grade now its been like 3 years97: Swam in a pool: over 1 year i dont go to the pool anymore96: Changed a diaper: NEVER AND I NEVER PLAN ON IT95: Got my nails done: i duno94: Went to a wedding: i also dunno its been too long93: Broke a bone: not that i can recal92: Got a peircing: never and never will91: Broke the law: i duno90: Texted: just now i told my mommy to pick me up it wasl ike 1 hour ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: me88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my momy and nibsy and jax and probably zach but he’d already move out by the time i leave87: The last movie I saw: i dont remember probably lego movie 2 or osmething on tv86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: next year drama club85: The thing im not looking forward to: dying?????? idk man 84: People call me: moto moto (not really idk what they call me)83: The most difficult thing to do is: the most difficult thing82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never though i probs will someday81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius sun leo moon aries rising80: The first person i talked to today was: probably kiley79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten i think78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: nobody 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: *has a crisis over my future plans as i do not know*74: I have/will get a job: im gona work at target or burger king next year maybe it depends on if they like me73: Tomorrow: 5/20..............72: Today: today71: Next Summer: in a theater near u70: Next Weekend: my first summer weekend 69: I have these pets: I ALREAD YSAID WHAT PETS I HAVE I LOVE NIBSY WITH ALL MY HEART and jax with some extra parts of my heart68: The worst sound in the world: a sound67: The person that makes me cry the most is: me66: People that make you happy: me65: Last time I cried: ealier today64: My friends are: online63: My computer is: on62: My School: is a school61: My Car: nonexistent 60: I lose all respect for people who: are really mean and seem to hate people for being happy. people who make jokes that make me uncomfortable. i generally avoid them.59: The movie I cried at was: all of them58: Your hair color is: brown57: TV shows you watch: idk56: Favorite web site: idk probs youtube55: Your dream vacation: nowhere 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: A FEW WEEKS AGO I GOT STITCHES IN MY MOUTH AND IT REALLY HURT UGHGTUERIJOKFLDc53: How do you like your steak cooked: edible52: My room is: a room51: My favorite celebrity is: myslef..... just kidding idk any celebs 50: Where would you like to be: where i am 49: Do you want children: no 48: Ever been in love: hoo ha hoo ha i duno how love feels exactly47: Who’s your best friend: MY BROTHER46: More guy friends or girl friends: guys i think 99% of my friends are my brothers friends so45: One thing that makes you feel great is: being happy44: One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody right now but sometimes kiley43: Do you have a 5 year plan: 5 years??? haha no i only plan on using savings accounts to make a bit more money and MAYBE moving to kiley but idk for sure since i like my parents and my brother and my parents plan on driving around in an rv but idk man moving to another state would be HARD and im kinda lazy and i’d have to get a whole new driver’s license 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: lmao all my ideas are jokes40: Last person I got mad at: probably myslef39: I would like to move to: my bed???????38: I wish I was a professional: personer. talker. socialer. [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: probably snickers or a salted nut roll36: Vehicle: big car. tahoe shape. tahoe size. idk. something like a tahoe thats my only reference35: President: I Don’t Care34: State visited: probably florida its the only one of 3 states i’ve been to33: Cellphone provider: what32: Athlete: WHAT31: Actor: idk 30: Actress: idk29: Singer: not me? me? idk28: Band: taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hall??? ? ?? ? ?? ? ? ? I DONT KNOWIJ DSKJZLFKSJKLDSHDLfjklskl;fdkl;sfk;laf 27: Clothing store: i legit have like no faves god this is the hardest part26: Grocery store: target probably25: TV show: maybe the simpsons???24: Movie: idk ive seen a lot of movies23: Website: one of them22: Animal: one of them21: Theme park: universal studios20: Holiday: none of them theyre all ok but ??? meh19: Sport to watch: none.18: Sport to play: idk i dont like being competitive but??????? gym class is a fun sport! :)17: Magazine: none of them16: Book: one of them15: Day of the week: wednesday sounds like a good day. maybe sundays. 14: Beach: what13: Concert attended: frankly the only concerts i’ve been to are my own12: Thing to cook: probably ramen11: Food: cheeseballs??????? burger king milkshake, a drink?10: Restaurant: buuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrger kiiiiiiiiiiing?9: Radio station: 101.9 kelo eff emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm8: Yankee candle scent: what7: Perfume: what6: Flower: what5: Color: red or purple4: Talk show host: wha

3: Comedian: i duno2: Dog breed: one of them1: Did you answer all these truthfully?  yeah i tried but i kinda gave up slightly after i came back from a graduation party though i also kind of gave up from the start so

[obfuscobble]

SO I got my hands on the Japan Animator Expo 2015 collection and I thought it a good time to rate each short because I have some very concise opinions.

1. Dragon Dentist 4/5 Girl volunteers to be a dragon's dentist in the midst of a war. Inventive, compelling, beautiful.  Works incredibly well as a short, managing to tell a story far longer than its timeframe without leaving us wondering what happened or what will happen.  A very strong start to the collection.

2. Hill Climb Girl 3/5 Girl wants to be a great bicyclist, and the first step is beating her friend up the hill to school. Pretty good for cel-shaded computer modelling.  If you like Yowamushi Pedal, you'll like this.  Not stand-out but it's an endearing.

3. ME!ME!ME! 4/5 Boy gets dunked on by his own objectification of women. A truly stand out music video not just for this collection but within the genre.  That said, you do have to rewatch it closely to glean its themes and true place as a condemnation of misogyny as seen through the self empowerment male fantasies used by the boy to combat his own misogynistic fear of female desire and deep shame over his otaku life.  And there is quite a lot of female objectification in his life.

4. Carnage 3/5 Gunslinging girl seeks revenge for her family and her arm. Great attention paid to the one armed gunslinging.  The conclusion openly and somberly lays out what will happen next as this old town must pay for its sins, even if it perpetuates the cycle of girls losing those they love.

5. Gundam key animation 1/5 Literally the key animation drawings from Gundam shown side to side with the classic footage. Pretty cool for animation nerds and gundam fans but otherwise not really compelling as a storytelling vehicle.  I have to take off points on that account, but it is really worth a watch to see the keys.

6. 20 min from Nishi Ogikubo Station 0/5 not actually 20 min long. Just kidding! 4/5 woman turns into a cockroach, much to man's dismay. The sketchy art style, soft colouring, and jittery movement add perfectly to the piece's theme, making them obviously intentional choices.  The piece is still fluidly put together, with inventive plays on human/cockroach interaction and the how's of being so small.  The woman as cockroach is envisioned naked, but I feel that this is presented in a naturalistic (ie she just shrunk out of her clothes) and not at all prurient way.  Didn't think I was going to like it as much as I did!

7. until You come to me 1/5 Oh Shinji boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. Shinji silently misses Kaworu or five minutes. I mean I don't blame him but... Nothing happens, and if one has no inkling about Evangelion, this short has absolutely NO meaning.

8. Tomorrow from There 3/5 Woman avoids responsibilities, calls from her mom, and the creeping sense of adult dread, until she reconnects with her inner sense of joy. A wonderful counterpoint to ME!ME!ME! that focuses on universal human fears and dilemmas, without objectifying women.  Uplifting with a powerul backing song.  But I have to be honest and say that its visuals aren't going to stick with me as powerfully.

9. Electronic Superhuman Gridman 3/5 You are a human with the capacity for joy and wonder, so you will appreciate this heartfelt ode to super sentai live action and robot anime. Comes complete with character design details to reflect the rubber suits and even the tiny screw to hold on the back of a model's head.  Has nice internal logic about the Gridman.exe who fights monsters with the power of the electrical grid, such as circuit power ups and smashing a tv screen to get at the enemy.  Even for those unfamiliar with the tropes, it's just a fun 6 minutes.

10. Yamadeloid 3/5 An ode to historical fighter anime with neat brush-line visuals and fitting soundtrack. But it just didn't grab me by my heart's cockles like Gridman did, probably coming entirely down to what shows I grew up on.  It was also a lot more fourth wall breaking, which is entirely subjective for one's enjoyment, even from one short to another as you'll see.  So I'd like to give it a 2, but I know that nostalgia was the only thing inflating Gridman to a 3, so I'll be fair.

11. Power Plant No 33 2/5 What if we just... turned off our millenial facebook phones... and really lived.... yanno? The instantly gripping visuals of a society powered by a beast that creates electricity, which must then go on to fight a space robot, are immediately undermined by the totes not subtle digs against modern technology.  I get it, technology is literally a destructive beast.  I get it, we should unplug and learn to live freely.  The animation was great but the moral was giving me the feeling that I should get off a luddite's lawn.

12. Evangelion Another Impact Confidential 2/5 Tall woman looks for her daughter, finds hostile wasteland. But what a woman!

13. Kanón 3/5 A Japanese take on a Slavic philosophic parody of Jewish folk mythology, or, "On Solipsism." Actually fascinating as a piece.  It moves very very quickly though, leaving little time for the jokes and philosophy to set in, but I feel the frantic pace was meant to reinforce the confused, overworked, utterly helpless feelings that the main character was experiencing.  The fourth wall break right at the end completely charmed me and even elevated the piece.  Loses points for the inherent misogyny of the novel it was based on, but otherwise worth a watch for the curious, and one of the most interesting Japanese takes on Judaeo-Christian tradition I've seen.

14. Sex & Violence with Machspeed 0/5 Just because you admit that you're being gross for gross' sake doesn't mean you're not gross. Look I could get into it, but I just hated this one.  If you liked Panty and Stocking, maybe give it a try.

15. Obake-chan 3/5 A series of charming shorts about a girl who wants to be a spoopy ghost.

16. Tokio of the Moon's Shadow 4/5 Boy who has, I goddamn assure you, THE. SHINIEST. eyes in the universe saves earth and his radio penpal from a space creature. Come for the innovative mix of animation styles, stay for the dance sequence.  Just watch it.

17. Three Fallen Witnesses 2/5 Ambition: the Anime. Like seriously, this is the 3d animation equivalent of the Ambition games.  It's also a very ambitious premise, based on prosecuting attorneys using "DNA time travel" to gain evidence on a murder case.  Alas, I really feel it should have had longer to play in its world and the case itself.

18. The Diary of Ochibi 3/5 Edible stop motion is here!

19. I Can Friday by Day! 5/5 Tiny space squirrels fight tiny space rabbits, each piloting robot teenagers. Highly creative, wondrously fun, and yet with a good plot and even characterisation to hold it together past the visuals.  I'd love to see this as a short series, as I feel the premise, world, and character sketches could easily be filled out into a humourous and yet compelling larger narrative.

20a. ME!ME!ME! Chronic 1/5 Basically a remix.  Lacking the narrative of the original hurts it because then its just boobs and yonic symbolism and the guns that shoot them.  Still good music.

20b. The Making of Evangelion Another Impact Confidential 1/5 Interesting if you want to see how the short was designed and technically compiled.

21. Iconic Field 2/5 Never try to fit 13 episodes into 6 minutes. This is obviously angling to become a longer syndicated series but not only did they rush too many of their ideas and subplots into it, but they obviously ran out of money and production time.  Some shots are replaced with concept sketches, and there was no voice acting when clearly it was intended to be present.  It's creative in its character and mecha design, but the plot is another riff on the seeded earth hypothesis whose unanimated conclusion you can still see a mile away.

22. On a Gloomy Night Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! Nippon Banzai! 1/5 Never try to fit 13 episodes into 6 minutes using Auld Lang Syne as your backing track.

23. Memoirs of Amorous Gentlemen 1/5 Honestly not sure how to classify this one.  It's about a sex worker, it's presented with a quite effective animation style, but in the end it's all about the sex worker accepting abuse from another as her tragic role in the world. Ehn.

24. Rapid Rouge 4/5 In the world of the techno-daimyo, there is only loss. BRILLIANT use of a limited colour palette.  Loses one point due to not fully delivering on the emotional character-sacrifice punch it wanted and for being unartfully open ended.  If it delivers on a second episode like it promises, I might amend my opinion.  It was so close to being perfect, yet didn't manage to get me to care enough about its characters in its short run time, unlike...

25. Hammerhead 5/5 Highly violent, yes, but emotionally impactful to the extreme; I cried both times I've watched it. Update: three times. Wonderful traditional animation, powerful emotional centre, and perhaps the best animation I've ever seen to portray a human's physical demeanour in deep emotional distress.  I absolutely recommend watching this.

26. Conte Hitman 3/5 Manzai routine with clever twists and turns.  Porque no los dos, the sketch.

[pbandjesse]

It snowed today! Its actually still snowing! I love it. It makes me feel like Im back in minneapolis and its all quiet and it smells good and it makes me really happy. I hope it keeps snowing and doesnt stop. I already have off tomorrow, but I want it to keep snowing then too. Im not over watching it yet. 

It was a really nice thing to wake up to. I couldnt fall asleep for a long time last night though.  It was a mix of wishing to see the snow and that I have an ulcer on my gums that was hurting me real bad. Its not so bad today but it for sure made going to sleep hard. 

But I slept alright once I was asleep. And I woke up to snow!! I didnt want to open the curtains at first. I was nervous it wasnt going to be amazing and I would be bummed. But James came in and said it was great and I was super pleased. 

James made me pancakes and I got dressed and felt real cute. I was very bundled up. I decided it was the perfect day to wear the big sweater Steve got me for christmas. Im saying this like I dont wear it every night. But still! I was very cozy. And James liked my headband. I felt very cute. 

After pancakes and a little bit of animal crossing, we would just be enjoying watching the snow. But James wanted to go for a walk and I wanted to go out too. So we got very bundled and off we went. 

We walked down the middle park. We were sort of walking towards the wind so it was a little hard to see. But I felt all bundled and cute and soft. Everything was beautiful. It was also just fun to talk to James about minneapolis. And he threw a snowball at me and that was very silly. It was such a nice time. 

I started to get a little overheated as we walked so we headed back home. 

We got home and there was a package! It was a boardgame James got for us. We were both all snowy and damp though. So we got dried off and warmed up. 

I felt really tired after being outside though. I would chill on the couch for a while. James would work on figuring out if the dentist we go to takes our new insurance (they do!). And I would migrate to the studio to lay down. 

James took some pictures for the instagram because he's great. And I would eat pasta and not feel very well for about an hour. 

That bad feeling eventually passed though. James decided to go on a long walk to his parents, to get some exercise and enjoy the snow a bit more. And I got to be alone and work on art for a few hours. 

I made a new pattern for a bunny stuffed animal. I have some requests to try a few other things too, so Im going to try those this week. But we stuck to bunny today. Comfort zone. I also worked on my digital drawing and while the proportions are a little off I am really happy with it still. 

James let me know when he was on his way back. And it was nice to have him back here safe and warm. 

We would eventually play the new game. It was fun but I will need more time to understand all the parts. Its a detective game and its neat. Very well made too. James would make me soup and a grilled cheese for dinner. And eventually I would go dye my hair while he made cookies. 

He had trivia with his friends and I would play with my skates for a little bit before I washed my hair. Which was a whole thing. 

I took a bath after that. My throat has been hurting all day and that is frustrating. But it didnt take away how happy I felt and feel. 

It is almost time for bed. I dont have to go to work tomorrow. And Im just really happy about that. I hope it keeps snowing and you all have a great night tonight. 

Sleep well everyone! Take care of yourselves!

[juiceboxandcrackers]

Last night at The Estuary

I assume that every location has their own little groups where you can meet and greet and explore ALL OF THE BDSM THINGS... That being said, our area has two active groups. Through The Looking Glass (we haven’t been) and The Estuary. We discovered them on Fetlife and check out the actual location about a month ago. The people were so welcoming and they don’t seem to fuck around. There are rules. There are safeguards.

Last night was the second time there and even though we had a rocky start to the evening because of some stupid shit I did... it was a head first dive into open play. Open play at The Estuary means you can create a scene using any of the equipment and tools available to explore your kinks. They have a Saint Andrew’s cross, a queening chair (I think?), this massive metal wheel you can be tied to, a spanking bench, and hooks and things to be suspended from.

Side note: There are some talented shibari rope play folks in this group.

I prepped the hell out of myself for it because Daddy told me he was putting me on display. Shaved all of the things, spent a little more time on hair and makeup because it calms me and its almost ritualistic for me. I have to sit there and think about WHY I am doing it and all the eyes that will be on me. My anxiety was twitching. Daddy requested that my nipples be seen but since I need support and don’t want to feel completely naked, I got to wear this pretty quarter shelf bra that I got from Lane Bryant yeeeaaaars ago and never had a reason to wear it. Support AND the nipples are free for sensation play. Winning. I wore crotchless panties because Daddy also wanted me to wear the tail he bought me... for more sensation play.. we will get to that. Threw on some thigh highs, a cute skater dress, and some five-inch stilettos... BAM.. Livvie was PREPARED.

I have a playlist in my Apple Music titled “TIE LIVVIE TO THE BED” which was used for our scene. I need to add more stuff to it, but what was played was perfect for our first scene.

Note: Crazy Train is not actually on the list. It was just a song I introduced to the nugget earlier today.

We opened the scene with Until We Go Down.

Daddy had me stand in front of the Saint Andrews Cross as he knelt down and slowly removed my shoes and as he came up lifted and removed my dress. I don’t think I looked away from him from that moment on. You see... The Estuary has this dungeon room of sorts (where our scene was) and sort of above it is a viewing area where other members can quietly and respectfully watch whatever is going down in the dungeon. So basically I am being cuffed and chained facing forward in little to nothing. Just focus on Daddy. Don’t look at the peoples. I watched Daddy like a hawk until I couldn’t. Cuffed to a cross, he teasingly put hair clips on my nipples, stuck a ballgag in my mouth and then ....blindfolded me. Oh. My. Fuck. That is the most terrifying and freeing feeling in the whole goddamn world. Vulnerable is not a strong enough word.

Daddy is crafty with sensation play. One of the tools he used on me last night was a basic dental cleaning tool that your dentist uses on you.

The feeling you have when it is drug across the skin is similar to having a knife tip graze your skin.... just smaller. It leaves these fun little lines all over the skin. I hope for knife play next time though.

Please, Daddy?

Betcha he says, “Yes, Babygirl.” Betcha!

He ran that thing all over ever inch of visible skin on my body... my favorite areas for this tool are my sides. It hurts and tickles at the same time. I love that fucking sensation so much.

He used Blue, his 42-falls blue suede flogger in various levels impact on my skin. I will introduce you to Blue in another tumblr post. I am being lazy and not wanting to get off the couch until this is complete to go take a picture of Blue. I love Blue. It is my favorite toy ever. Daddy knows how to make it feel good... like a friggin massage... and also hurt like the hand of God lighting your ass up. But it never leaves a mark. We love that. Aside from the tiny scratches from the dental tool that will be gone by tomorrow, we are not fond of bruising and damage to the skin. Daddy takes great care in preventing that. He is the bestest. Besides... as a burlesque dancer, I do not need to be shaking my ass on stage looking like I got in a fight.

He used Mr. Pinky (vibe) on my clamped nipples before removing them, unhooking me from the cross and turning me around to cuff me back to it. Here is where shit gets real.

We have made friends with a lovely couple at The Estuary that go by Dragon and his little Cherry (she is this adorable pixie-like creature). Dragon let Daddy borrow a reed type impact toy to try on me. I protested a couple times before I was on the cross, but honestly... I knew I deserved what was coming to me after the aforementioned bullshit earlier in the evening. I wish I had snapped a picture of the thing to post here because me trying to describe it verbally is pointless.

All I can really say at this point is that it got my fucking attention. Little taps with it are actually quite nice... but when Daddy puts a little power behind it (doesn’t take much) it stings like hellfire. I am undecided if *I* like it, but I know Daddy loved it. I think he likes the noises that escape my mouth when he gets me with it.

There was a point when I was facing the wall where Daddy removed the gag...

“Let me hear you...” he said in my ear.

I am thankful for that. The ballgag we have is a little ... big and it is hard to hear anything when I am wearing it. And left in too long and I feel like I have lockjaw or something. I hope we can find one similar, but smaller because I actually do love being gagged.

But back to the commands whispered in the ear... fuuuuuuck that gets me all kinds of wet. Maybe its not even the commands really... just the dominant voice Daddy has that I have apparently been obsessed with and turned on by since we were kids. Daddy voice is a real thing and it is heaven.

The scene ended before I realized it and I wanted more... but I was already in subspace to the point of almost incoherent communication.

I don’t know who brought me the super soft blanket to wrap up in but it felt like microfiber heaven on my stinging back and ass. Cuddles in the Aftercare Room were nice and next time I am bringing my favorite koala in case Daddy needs to leave the room.

Quiet cuddles in a dark room after that scene were necessary. That was one of the most intense experiences of my life. Daddy called me his little exhibitionist. I think it is too soon to call me that. Haha. I mean... I don’t hate it, but I am still not quite sure I could do it without the blindfold to make me forget where I am.

We shall see.

I have no doubt there will be more scenes in the future. I am excited to see where things go.

We went to breakfast with Abracadabra and his sub, Blue. That was honestly the best way to end the night... breakfast at 5 a.m. with new kink friends. They are such nice folks. After my second time being around everyone, I am not even sure why I was scared to begin with.

Now... to get Daddy on the cross under Goddess Victoria. Muahahahahaha. 😈

[quizblr]

MBTI: What Flavor of Soap are You?

INFP:  Special order soap.  It tastes like bug spray and menthol.  This soap was made for certain purposes; being eaten was not one of them.  You congratulate yourself on being such a rebel as you begin to see the lights.  8/10

ENFP:  Children’s soap.  It smells and tastes exotic, but you’re not completely sure what it’s supposed to be.  The happy koala on the bottle isn’t much of a clue.  It’s a bit astringent.  It burns as you swallow.  You’re glad your tongue is clean, though.  You hiccup, and a bubble leaves your mouth.  5/10

INFJ:  Dishwasher soap.  Stronger than its cousin, dish soap, but significantly more likely to kill you.  It leaves a soft white powder residue on the burns it creates on your tongue.  This is somehow your aesthetic.  It tastes like a chemical burn and a Tumblr moodboard.  You’re pleased.  10/10

ENFJ:  Dish soap.  It smells like what someone who has never seen a real, whole coconut before would imagine that coconut to smell like.  It’s a bit slimy.  No matter how much you heave, you can’t seem to get the residue off of your tongue.  It begins to sting. 4/10

ISFP:  Hotel soap.  Completely horrible.  No matter what you do, you can’t get the taste out of your mouth afterwards.  You look at the crumpled wrapper on your borrowed bathroom counter.  You can’t decide if it’s brown or gray.  It was complimentary, so you really have nothing to complain about, you remind yourself.  There are bubbles in the cracks between your teeth. You hope this will trick your dentist into thinking you actually flossed tomorrow.  It does.  You feel triumphant as he scrapes the oily residue off of your incisors, perplexed.  You’ll never tell.  9/10

ESFP:  Handmade soap.  You smushed some stuff around in a bucket, and this is the resultant creation.  It tastes like oil-flavored toothpaste.  The ingredients you bought off of eBay probably weren’t poisonous.  You’re not sure how to get the stuff out of this bucket and into a usable container.  It will have to do – you decide this is probably more rustic anyway.  As one hand shoves another chunk into your mouth, the other increases the price of your soap tenfold on your Etsy store.  You smile in the dark, the light from your computer giving your soapy teeth a pallid glow.  Multicolored spots begin to dance in your eyes.  You take another bite. 7/10

ISFJ:  Microbead soap.  Tastes like a ruined environment and clogged waterways.  You’re not sure if fish are capable of feeling sad.  The beads scrape and scratch at your gums as you swish before you swallow.  You feel them peel away every unnecessary dead cell in your mouth.  You look into the empty bottle, wishing there was more.  You open another.  Your head begins to vibrate as your stomach begins to twist.  You comfort yourself with the knowledge that your blood will finally be clean. 6/10

ESFJ:  Bar soap.  The original.  The classic.  It tastes like your childhood – at least the parts when your mother caught you when you swore.  Nutty aftertaste with mild notes at the beginning, but now that you’ve finished chewing, it just tastes like soap.  You remember why you hated it.  You spit it out.  You wonder if you’ll go blind.  5/10

ISTP:  Hand soap.  Perfumey and bland.  It eases down your throat as you slurp from the opened bottle.  You wonder if it has been watered down.  You wonder whose soap this is.  You wonder how you ended up in this bathroom, in this house.  Your stomach begins to quelch as you stagger outside.  You lurch towards the next house, wondering if the soap in another bathroom will taste any different - if it will have answers.  It won’t.  3/10

ESTP:  Shampoo.  Creamy and metallic.  It goes down smoothly as you chug from the aesthetically-molded plastic bottle.  You hurry.  When it’s empty, you quietly slip from this shower, from this house.  You move through the night towards the house next door.  Maybe their selection will finally satiate you.  You will never be full.  9/10

ISTJ:  Expensive department store soap.  Salty and vaguely acrid.  It tastes like licking a grandma.  There’s a hint of alcohol – probably the perfumes.  You look around your dimly-lit bathroom as you sit on the edge of your tub and feel dead inside.  You look at the delicate lettering on the elegant packaging and feel alive.  You take another bite.  It flakes into beige icing between your teeth.  6/10

ESTJ:  Laundry soap.  It smells absolutely fantastic, but is so concentrated that you end up in the emergency room.  It tastes like deception and suds.  Tiny bubbles line your lips.  You realize you forgot to start the dryer before the ambulance came.  You can no longer tell if it’s the soap or you that’s foaming.  It’s soft.  You wonder if you’re finally clean as you begin to fade.  2/10

INTJ:  Novelty soap.  The fragrance of this bar is particularly powerful.  The smell is so strong that your brain is tricked into thinking it’s the flavor as well; this prevents you from noticing your discomfort as it slowly erodes away at your lips.  You stare at the box, trying to decide if Blue Strawberry Bonanza is a typo.  You’re not sure.  The prize inside lends extra crunch, but you’re spitting bubbles for an hour afterwards.  This is the worst $27 you have ever spent.  7/10

ENTJ:  Straight lye. It hurts. At a pH of 13, it’s obviously very efficient – but it will wash you away as well as the grime.  It burns.  At least you didn’t waste your money on one of those useless scented soaps.  Now it hurts AND burns.  You reassure yourself with your pragmatism as you begin to die.  It tastes like blood.  0/10 

INTP:  Holiday soap.  Special, fragrant, and full of glitter.  It tastes horrible when consumed, yet this is your fifth sip.  You take your sixth.  You look at the leering gingerbread man on the peeling sticker and don’t understand why he can’t taste the way he looks just this once.  You decide to give him another chance.  It doesn’t work.  He tastes the same.  2/10

ENTP:  Car wash soap.  You’ve never felt so alive, so powerful.  The industrial foam fills your mouth, your throat, your lungs.  It tastes like wax and fire.  This is what it means to be an extrovert.  The suds drip from your eyelashes just long enough for you to see the brushes heading towards you.  They’re coming.  You’re not afraid.  They said that you shouldn’t, that you couldn’t.  You raise your fists above your head and push out a gurgled scream.  You’ll show them.   1/10

[ourtenderlies]

I had a large cavity on my lower tight molar filled in September 2019. As I was about to leave, my dentist told me to watch for any pain in the next couple months because my toothbrush could take a turn for the worse and need a root canal. He said it would be severe pain that can keep you up at night. I never felt any post procedure pain or sensitivity.

Even though I had no issues, my tooth is a huge source of my anxiety. I always worry that I will get severe pain and be in a situation where I can't get it fixed or something. I worry I will need a root canal. I never felt pain but I still worry. Sometimes its light other times its heavy.

Today, my anxiety was high. I had a realistic dream that my tooth hurt. I couldn't tell if it was real or not. I didn't feel it again all day. I still don't know if it was part of my dream or not. I retake care of my teeth now. I get regular cleaning with one coming up next month. I watch the acidic food I eat. I try to limit soda sad drink more water. I have good oral hygiene. I don't really have much to worry about but I can't shake these feelings. I was feeling super anxious all day and didn't do much, but I am happy when I decided to put on some music and force myself to clean the kitchen when I just wanted to lounge. I am proud of myself. I wish I would have started painting to trim in our living room too but hey,I did a good job cleaning the kitchen when I didn't want to. Tomorrow, i am going to try to start pain though. I am proud of myself tonight!