#its for my own mental health but also maybe i am just a bitch and an asshole

[the-kipsabian]

tumblr has a really stupid way of hiding stuff from blogs youve blocked huh

[therotatingvillain]

Funny things in Baby Steps, my unfinished Pokevillain fanfic

Alright, after spending too long in a severe depression hole and also spending like way too much time at work, here I am again!

This is gonna be my first update on the Pokevillain fanfiction that my last post was about. What I’m doing is reading through those 43 pages and just get a base understanding of what the fuck I was even doing.

To have all of you be part of this, you’ll get my live thoughts about it! So be ready for some shitposting and a few sneak peeks at the story haha

Cyrus insisting on just being called ‘Cyrus’ because ‘Mr. Akagi’ reminds him of his father is such a mood. Also, yeah, I use their japanese names as their last names, except Guzma, because Guzmas japanese name is Guzma lol So for him I just used his german name ‘Bromley’. Such an ass name

Having stayed in a hospital for the first time not too long ago, 2020 me was surprisingly accurate when it came to hospital food

“What do you think? Aren’t you supposed to be incredibly smart?” She kept smiling, but Cyrus knew it was fake. It had been ever since she entered. It was the same smile his mother always had when talking to guests or clients. God I hate Cyrus nurse, I made her such a bitch lmao

Forgot I made Cyrus lactose intolerant lol

That smile made Cyrus want to go back into the distortion world No comment needed

‘New Guy’ seemed like a major downgrade from ‘God of a new dimension’ but for now, having terribly failed the latter one, the first one was acceptable. 2020 me had banger humor

Guzma looking at Cyrus and just going “You’re my friend now” is how I make all of my friends

Ah yeah, Giovanni is there because of another failed attempt, except for Guzma the rest is there because of court mandation and Guzma is there because Nanu got him a spot.

almost like touching a Rotom that couldn’t quite control its energy. Foreshadowing? Maybe

Guzma immediately having Cyrus back even when Cyrus is clearly in the wrong is so funny to me

Aaaaaaaah gays bonding over piano music

Ah yes, Maxie and Archie are divorced husbands. Yes, they still love each other, yes, Maxie still actively wears his wedding ring while Archie always has it on him somehow

“Hey fuckers, time for lunch!” Mood Guz

Lysandre desperately trying to socialise with his roommate only to routinely be fucked over by his own shitty mental health and eating disorder is too real man

Dr. Roberts is such a kind soul, he’s the therapist OC I created specifically for this story and he’s just a sweetie who’s fantastic at his job and also, obviously, gay and married with a couple kids.

Cyrus went to college (duh) and majored in: Electrical Engineering, Economics, Computer Engineering, Political Science and Computer Science. And finished all his majors in 4 years. Yikes dude, my boy just wanted to study the stars but he was denied by his bullshit parents

Ah yes, Cyrus sister. Buckle in people, time for a bit of lore:

So we all remember the Old Chateau in Eterna Forrest back in gen 4, right? Right. For a long time there was a theory that perhaps Cyrus grew up in that house. How did we come to that conclusion? Basically, Cyrus in Platinum (and the USUM Rainbow Rocket episode) has a severe obsession with the Pokemon Rotom, supplying Charon with detailed notes and diaries all about it and in the Rainbow Rocket episode, he nearly has a breakdown upon seeing the Rotom dex. Now where do you find Rotom in Gen 4? Hiding in a TV in the Old Chateau. So, we theorized that Cyrus grew up there. What else do we find in the Old Chateau? The spirits of a butler and a small girl. So, the theory goes that Cyrus used to have a little sister, but she and a butler of the family were killed in an accident, probably involving the Rotom Cyrus kept, most likely hidden from his parents. Afterwards, his family moved to Sunyshore, leaving the Chateau, where Rotom was still hiding, possibly having come back in search of it’s friend (Cyrus) and then hiding in the TV because it was scared as it was alone, Cyrus nowhere to be found, and sought comfort in the electrical appliance. That’s how the theory goes. This theory is true in my story.

Maxie and Archie being extremely angry bordering on violent with each other makes me sad. And I wrote this shit!

The fact that Cyrus, on his first day there, immediately has a panic attack in the evening is relatable.

Also, Giovanni helps him through it and they start bonding and being cute hehe

For every scene involving stargazing, be aware that I have zero idea about stars. I grew up in the middle of fuck nowhere, so I can see them very clearly each night, but I still have little to no idea about how to read stars lol

Lysandre has anorexia and Cyrus is way too oblivious to understand that it’s ana so he’s just constantly like “wow youre thin” until it clicks lmao

Saturn, Jupiter, Mars and Charon are just codenames and Cyrus never bothered to learn their actual names. Is this also foreshadowing? Maybe hehe

YES CYRUS STAND YOUR GROUND TO THAT PISS POOR EXCUSE OF A NURSE i hate her so much man

Cyrus is a deeply kind person. I will not elaborate yet

Yes, Maxie and Archie get over their shit and back together

Yes, it spirals Giovanni into another suicide attempt

No, I shall not elaborate how one leads to the other

But yeah, there’s a pretty intense part of this that deals with Giovannis shitty mental state and his active suicide attempt (that only barely failed) and Cyrus ends up having a severe breakdown because of it. Like I said in my last post, this story deals with some heavy topics.

Guz and Ly really take on the roles of dads to Cyrus, to help him be more open in his expression and just be who he is and I think that’s beautiful

His breath was caught in his throat, his chest and stomach spreading a comfortable warmth through his body.

What was this? A heart attack? 

No, those felt different. There was no stabbing pain. I love writing Cyrus

THERAPY POKEMON EVERYONE yes the leaders are getting therapy Pokemon

Here’s a list of who they get:

Giovanni: His Persian

Maxie: Toxel

Archie: Hypno

Cyrus: His Rotom

Ghetsis: Castform

Lysandre: Levanny

Guzma: His Golisopod

I’d love for yall to theorize on why each leader gets their respective Pokemon! I actually put some thought in all of them haha

Cyrus grandfather has a big role in Cyrus’ recovery, and it starts with a simple visit that is still one of my favorite parts of this story so far

Cyrus grandfather (Paul Akagi) is the polar opposite to his parents, Paul is kind, loving, supportive and really just wants Cyrus to be happy and their relationship???? it warms my heart

A big part of connection for all of the leaders, specifically everyone else and Ghetsis, is a broken piano in the common room that they all work together to fix and that piano really is a symbol for Cyrus’ recovery and especially his willingness to get better.

GUZMA IS TRANS and this is a fact because I am trans and I said so. Also Ghetsis is a bigot. End of sentence lol

Ghetsis saying some transphobic shit and Guzma then going to PULL HIS NON PARALYZED ARM OUT OF ITS SOCKET is such a girly pop move

Also yes everything I’ve written so far ends on Maxie and Archie remarrying and Dr. Roberts allowing everyone to drink alcohol in celebration and yes of course it escalates lol

Alright everyone, that’s it for now, I’m all caught up, hopefully I’ll get some time to actually write a bit more the next few days. 

As always, please please please interact with this, tell me your thoughts so far, ask questions, I NEED IT okay cool thank you.

I have work tomorrow so I shall go and kill myself lol

Have a great whenever you are! Stay hydrated

Love all of you.

[hackerqueen]

Another Love

Chapter 1 Heartburn

warnings: this fanfiction will tackle heavy topics such as mental health and violence. there will be sex scenes.

– Fuck!

This word was often repeated every morning in my apartment. I was not an early bird, quite the opposite. I definitely preferred to fall asleep late in the evening, often in the middle of the night, to sleep until noon. Unfortunately, I was no longer a teenager, but a twenty-three-year-old woman who had to go to work every morning to pay the rent and bills. Life was often a bitch, wasn't it?

More curses spilled out of my mouth as my windshield wipers sped faster than Dan making up another shitty joke. Or a meme. His memes sucked, though I never told him that.

Duskwood was usually cloudy and rainy at this time of year. This is the second time I am convinced of this, because I moved here exactly two years ago. At times like this, I ask myself why? I could live peacefully in sunny California, sipping drinks on my balcony. But sometimes life writes its own scripts without asking you.

The pouring rain made my commute a bit more difficult, but I finally made it to the office where I was supposed to stay for another eight or nine hours. My boss threw papers at my desk, which didn't bode well. Halfway through work, I looked at my co-workers. Since I was a child, I liked to observe, analyze and draw conclusions about human behavior. So it was also now. However, the current view made me drowsy boredom. A group of people locked in a glass building, caring only if their shitty paperwork will pay the rent and pay off the mortgage. Will it allow them to go out to dinner at a restaurant at the beginning of the month, or maybe they'll get lucky and they can afford four days away at the end of the year? Corpsrats whose minds were completely closed to the world around them. I was a hypocrite judging them. Because I was absolutely the same. I also chased after money, abandoning my dreams and passions.

Deep, philosophical considerations were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. Seeing the name on the screen, I smiled slightly, despite my obvious tiredness. I picked up right away.

– Hello, hello. - greeted a nice, almost singing voice, which finally regained this lovely note – I'm picking you up from work today.

– But..

– Without any buts. We'll be choosing decorations today, you can't be absent! Nobody I know has better taste than you. Besides, you know what Thomas is like. He'll agree with me about everything, even if I pick the worst shit.

I burst out laughing. There was no contact with Hannah for several weeks. She needed hours of therapy, shed tears, and shutting herself off from the world to recover. To understand what happened. Has she come to terms with it? Was there any reconciliation at all in this situation? No one in the group seemed to agree with it. Damn, how were they supposed to accept that their longtime friend, the man who always made them laugh, did something like that? They couldn't even talk to him. Only Jessy had this honor, but I don't know if it didn't affect her even worse. I was just a shadow. A hiding shadow that listened to their conversation.

– Okay, you convinced me. Be there at 4pm – I told her shortly and said goodbye. Maybe this day won't be so bad after all.

* * *

– Thomas, don't interfere. – I grumbled under my breath as I flicked through the catalog with bouquets

I heard his loud protests to which Hannah reacted immediately.

– Babe, you know I love you, but I'll be carrying the bouquet, not you. Unless you want too?

The man got angry and left us alone. I suppressed the urge to comment on her rather dubious choice of husband and rolled my eyes, but a mischievous smirk must have affected my face hearing my biting thoughts.

Did that sperm really win?

I stopped quickly when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

– I can see you're not getting along, but just a little more. It will be better after marriage. Thomas is just stressed out. – she assured me and I nodded – You know, two years ago it all ended. This anniversary has such an effect on him.

I felt a shiver run down my spine. How... how come it's been two years since this nightmare ended?

– Have you forgotten? – she asked, seeing the pale expression on my face

– N-No. – I coughed at my broken tone of voice. – It's just that... it's a bit weird? That, time flies so fast and we live like two years ago?

– Can we do otherwise? I think we'd be best off living for them. – she said, then smiled sadly and squeezed my hand – Have you been at his grave?

I sighed, slowly shooking my head.

– Me neither. I'm not ready for that yet. –she confessed honestly and my heart clenched. Today was the day I had to face my past.

Getting into the car, I typed into the GPS the cemetery, which was located on the outskirts of Duskwood. Half an hour later, I was there. I gripped the steering wheel, letting out shaky breaths. I had no idea how long I sat there, but I finally moved and took out the rose I had bought on the way out of the back of the car. It was intensely red, reflecting my feelings at that moment. My mind was unconscious, my feet led me all the way to the grave. No wonder, my body knew the way by heart. I looked up at the name carved on it.

Jake Donfort

I swallowed. One candle was lit, illuminating this late evening. So Lilly must have been here already. I crouched down and carefully placed the flower on his grave. It may have been two years, but some things haven't changed. My heart still burned as I remembered the black-haired hacker who once meant so much to me. Now my heart squeezed even tighter as I realized something else.

The memory of him was fading, a little at a time and I could feel myself forgetting.

Time passed inexorably, and my upside down life returned to normal. Two years ago, I couldn't imagine my life without him. We had a promise, right? He promised we'd meet. He promised he wouldn't let us be separated. However, his promise was burned with him in the mine fire because he never came back. Even though he said he would.

[redditreceipts]

You have no idea how grateful i am for your blog. Its eye opening and i no longer feel like a hysterical bitch for worrying about what some trans movements (and im talking about those that want to police cis womens bodies too, not only theirs) was doing to feminism for past years.

Don't get me wrong... i think its fine when they do what makes them happy as long as they dont hurt other people. But more and more it feels like trans women want to dominate female spaces. And honestly, no matter how hard i try, i cant stop thinking thats its just male need to be always in the centre of attention. They come to us and instead of finding companionship and trying to fit in... they bring they own idea what a "woman" is and try to force it on every woman. Ones they dont agree with them they dubbed terfs and think that end of discussion. Another example of male entitlement if you ask me.

Im tired of bending backwards to appease them and once again ignoring womens issues as not to hurt trans womens feelings. Shouldn't they too be more empathetic towards cis women? Shouldn't they feel camaraderie with us? I'm yet to find trans woman who fights for feminist issues that dont concern her (i.e reproductive rights applicable only to bio women) with such ferocity cis women who are TRA fight for her right to be called a "woman". I'd want to be proven otherwise but more and more it seems like we're being talked over by men and male socialised people.

Sorry this came out long and probably makes no sense, but i feel like such a failure as a queer person to think like that. Maybe i am. But as a woman im tired of being silenced all over again. Now by the very people that claim sisterhood to me. But it feels like I'm the only one expected to hold my part of the bargain, they are exempt for some mysterious reasons. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted and honestly losing hope that my problems as a biological woman will ever be taken seriously.

Hey :)

I feel you in how difficult it can be to not feel like you have any people who see the same things you do. I also felt alone for so long because I had this nagging feeling about certain things, but most of the people I could find who were worried about the trans movement were conservative. 

And I also get what it feels like to force yourself into cognitive dissonance. It’s hard to try and convince yourself of things that are so blatantly untrue, and in the end, it doesn’t work. at least not if you’re a same-sex attracted woman who is a lot in LGBT spaces and can’t just “ignore” these things.

And I guess that there are some trans women who genuinely care about women’s issues, the thing is that they are not heard or uplifted because at some point they have to admit that women and trans women are different categories, and the trans activists can’t have that. So every discussion can not be about material issues, but it has to be about the use of language and pseudo-philosophical debates. Because if you look at material reality, you notice that cis women and trans women are not just different types of women, but different sexes altogether (even though trans women sometimes live their lives as though they were female and experience discrimination because of that as well). 

But most male-to-female trans activists are displaying such apparently male behaviour (sexualisation of women, talking over women, not taking women seriously, etc.) that you’d ask yourself why they don’t get dysphoria from that? I mean if I were a male who wanted to be a female, I’d at least try to appear female in some capacity lmao. I sometimes ask myself whether these people actually feel gender dysphoria or whether they have some other mental health problem that has nothing to do with being transgender. 

But you’re not a failure as a queer person. Actually, I don’t think it’s productive to use that term because being “queer” is some nebulous concept whose creation had only the goal to confuse and obscure the “oppression” of biological sex and material reality. Even a kinky straight guy is queer, a straight woman who gets off on reading Yaoi is queer, and by a strict application of the term “queer” as “people who don’t conform to cultural norms around gender and/or sexuality”, even paedophiles are queer. That’s not to say that trans activists use it that way, but the definition leaves space for all kinds of unethical paraphilias. Being queer is not an oppressed class. What is an oppressed class is being a woman, being same-sex attracted, being gender non-conforming, etc. 

You don’t owe the “queer community” anything. You owe it to people who suffer under systems of oppression like racism, capitalism, homophobia etc. to advocate for their rights and treat them as equals. You don’t owe it to some straight guy who watched too much lesbian porn to advocate for his rights. Literally nobody is oppressing him. 

I actually think that at some point, women will realise their shared interests and stand up for themselves. My only fear is that to come to that point, we will go through some sort of conservative “Dark Ages”, but maybe we can do something to prevent that by showing a third way to analyse gender on the basis of material reality. It’s cool that you’re interested in that as well :) 

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[jorrated]

Now I'm curious, what's your interpretation of Yume Nikki? /gen

OOHH!!!! Putting my extensive and extremely personal thoughts under a cut, cause it's going to be a long one

(like. fr. it's around 3.8k words long. click read more at your own risk.. plus spoiler warning + suicide discussion + mental health in general + some real artsy fartsy stuff)

1. DREAM ANALYSIS BULLSHIT THEORY

Just a little pre-ramble before my actual interpretation of the game, I wanna talk a little bit about dreams! I said on a previous post that it's almost impossible to decipher dreams from an outsider perspective, as not only people have their own symbology but dreams sometimes don’t even mean anything. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t instrumentalize dreams as something useful.

(Honestly you don’t have to read this part, I just wanted to rant about my views on psychoanalysis, since its a pseudoscience n all but I think its neat! Feel free to skip tho, I wont blame you. And whenever you see a block of text like this, bold and italics between parentheses, it’s just going to be a comment on mine and some opinions I have. It’s usually something that isn’t that related my interpretation of the game, but I felt like talking about it. So feel free to skip these too! :>)

Psychoanalysis is pseudoscience and Freud was a stupid bitch, HOWEVER, we can make something useful out of it! For example, projection. Projection is, in a simplified way, when you project your self onto others. And that situation, regardless if it is an actual projection of your own self, can help you to realize some aspects of yourself. Again, regardless if you are ACTUALLY projecting yourself, if that person has the same characteristics as you, or if you have the characteristic you think you are projecting, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you can analyze that situation, and yourself by proxy. And if you abstract things enough we can realize that projection is just another way of saying “we can only understand the world from our point of view”, which means we think everyone goes through life with the same perspective we have, because that’s the only one we can have. I can’t access other’s point of view in pureness, as I will forever have my own personal experiences back seating, so yes, I will forever project my point of view onto others, because that’s my own and only way of viewing stuff.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t see those “projection moments” and analyze why I do those projections. For example I can dislike someone for being annoying and be like “Wait, hold on. Am I annoying? Is this me projecting or just common sense”. And regardless if it is actual projecting, I can think about my negative feelings. Maybe I just want someone who’s worse than me, maybe this is a weird way of self hatred, maybe I just don’t want to deal with the fact I’m annoying. All of those can be true or false, but the thinking process can lead me to analyze myself and become someone better.

And this is something I extend to dream analysis, as it very much doesn’t have a proven reality or a method, but it’s something we can use to understand someone’s point of view! If done right, of course. So it doesn't matter if dreams have obscured "true real" meanings to them or not, what matter is what we are able to gleam from it and try to understand the dreamer’s point of view.

I'm going to try to do a dream analysis, which will take both Freudian and Jungian analysis beats, as I do believe neither theory has a perfect method, but they are the most prominent theories that I'm familiar with. While Freud takes every dream as a glimpse of the subconscious, which shows repressed desires and impulses, Jung only considers dreams that resonates with the person to be relevant. In my opinion, no dream has an actual meaning, but we can abstract it into something useful, so even small details can reveal something about someone, even if that something is so small that some may consider it irrelevant. And I also don’t consider dreams to work as a “pathway” to the subconscious, as dreams are not limited to desirable actions/events only, given that nightmares exist and all.

And PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t take anything I say about psychoanalysis or Jung or dream analysis as like the actual theories. I’m a psychology student and we do study Freud’s theories (haven’t gotten to Jung yet), but I’m still going through my classes and it’s very easy to just fumble the theories since they’re written in the most confusing way possible. SO don’t quote me on any of this, this is all for fun!

2. MY ACTUAL INTERPRETATION

FINALLY, here’s what I see in Yume Nikki! I tried to divide all my points by events, effects, places n all that stuff, just to keep myself organized, tho because a lot of it is just symbology interpretation, but lots of these overlap so it can get confusing. Plus I have MANY readings on the game, some of which don’t work perfectly together, since the game can get pretty “dense”, so I’ll try to write everything down in categories and by the end, attempt to put some of the bigger theories together in a more organized manner.

(LOL. I wrote this thinking I really could just write all my thoughts around Yume Nikki in one go, comical. I only really go into my interpretation of the effects here, and I think I’ll try to write more about my theories and interpretations, so just know this is incomplete)

2.1. EFFECTS

In my eyes, the effects were always “sections” of Madotsuki personality and self. Given she’s the only one in the game able to utilize them, but also she obtains them through interacting with others. Just like personality traits, we hardly ever just become what we are by existing, and we are molded through the experiences with have with others and the world around us.

Each trait can be noticeable or minor, but they are what forms the self, which may include how we view certain things, ourselves, others and concepts. That results into day to day impacts, like us acquiring certain hobbies, but it also can impact how we view difficult topics like death, relationship to others and so on.

Which I find interesting since when dropping the effects onto the nexus, they become these little egg thingies, an action that is necessary to finish the game. Being divorced from aspects of yourself for you to be able to take a leap out of balcony, gives me a lot of possible readings.

The least metaphorical one being Mado just leaving everything behind to commit suicide, in which the effects could be her negating what she considers flaws. Even if they aren’t strictly flaws, for someone to take their own life they need to be in such a horrible mental state that could skew their self-perspective to be strictly negative. And “leaving” those aspects behind to be “free” of them is, unfortunately, the logic that some people dealing with suicidal thoughts go through.

However, putting the effects into the nexus, could also mean the complete opposite. By making them concrete and physical, onto the nexus, the link between her dreams (subconscious) and her dream room (preconscious – located on the subconscious, but allows and negates the passage of information to consciousness) could mean acceptance of those aspects. Looking and manifesting the effects could be a metaphor for coming to terms with herself, even if some aspects could be seem as flaws by Mado’s eyes. This could have the same conclusion like the previous hypothesis, resulting in a suicide, but because she accepted she had “too many flaws”, also another sad reality. But if taken into the account that the suicide isn’t a desire to die, but a leap of faith to a new life (killing your old self basically), this could be a better and positive ending. Fist step for a change is acceptance and all that jazz.

Another possibly is that the effects aren’t personality traits, but specific memories that impacted her in one way or another through her life. In that read you can go either way with the accepting or rejecting of those memories, as described before. But the context would have different tone I think, because in this way, the effects could symbolize traumatic events that lead Mado to be in this state of mind, events that she has to accept and move on, or deny what happened and live possibly haunted by it.

Either way! Here’s some of the effects I think are most relevant:

2.1.1 Knife

While a lot of people see this as Mado’s violent tendencies, I always saw it as a defense mechanism, like pushing others away (and maybe even hurting others, but not limited to only physical violence) to protect yourself. This goes with the themes of constant isolation and silence her dreams have. With the few times an entity actively interact with you, the Toriningen, is triggered by the stabbing.

How I see this is Mado’s pushing other’s away, to be kept from being hurt. And that is seen how, regardless if she uses the knife on a passive character, they disappear (effectively cutting any interaction with them) or an active character like the Toriningen (forcefully isolating Mado), it ends with Mado being alone. In connection with some NPC’s moving away from her when she holds a knife, and hostile Toriningens isolating her without triggering them, this might be a reaction of how others have reacted to this self-isolating behavior Mado has, and has had for a while probably.

It’s also notably found on the emptiest and darkest world on all the dream zones (Dark World), probably how Mado feels about this actions. While mostly alone and quite, the zone still has a few NPCs, most of them barely reacting to anything Madotsuki does, but one follows her around the world (I think his name is Follony), giving that lingering feeling that despite everything, it still feels like there’s someone trying to get in. Regardless if there really is someone trying to get in, Mado may have some type of paranoia with others interacting with them, perceiving their attempts as prodding or “chasing”.

2.1.2. Medamaude

Somewhat similar to the knife, I think this is also related to Mado’s isolation. While the knife is the action of pushing other away, the Medamaude is the avoidance of others and her own behaviors. Often used to escape the rooms Toriningen put you on, I think Mado may have the behavior of simply turning a blind eye to these situations (literally closing your eyes and fist to escape), as a form of either coping or self defense.

2.1.3. Cat

Here’s where the messiness I mentioned before. I think the cat is Mado’s desire to be able to talk to other and be able to interact with them. While it seems contradicting with what I just wrote about the knife and Medamaude, I do think despite Mado’s self isolation, she still desires someone to trust or be able to have friends. It’s paradoxical, but it’s a common feeling many have, specially teenagers. Having success into pushing others away can actually be extremely painful, as the person is not being hurt specifically by others, but also does not have a support net or healthy (and necessary) interactions to build off.

The cat being a symbol for that is quite fitting, being an animal who many consider the cutest, but also having an image of being “distant”. Many people (usually people who don’t have cats) see them as “less loving” than other pets, like dogs for example, because they don’t understand the different ways cats show affection.

Madotsuki may want to be like that, be perceived as approachable and cute, but still able to maintain a distance, without getting “suffocated” by the relationships. This theory can also be supported by the fact when meowing she resembles the Maneki-neko, a Japanese talisman that is associated with good fortune and wish fulfillment. While the original and most common variant is white, a pink Maneki-neko is often associated with love, romance and relationships in general, so once again, bringing that desire for human interaction.

One thing of note too, is that the cat effect is slightly annoying to get, as the kitty-coin you get it from moves quite quickly, in comparison to other NPCs. This may be indicative that, while desirable, Mado finds difficulty into manifesting this approachable appearance, probably due to the established self-isolation mentioned before.

2.1.4. Triangle Kerchief and Nopperabou

Not gonna do a big text for these, I’m sure you already got it and are tired of me writing about isolation. Could mean feeling invisible, not being seen or that people don’t care about you (or are even afraid). Disassociation and reality detachment can also be a thing here.

2.1.5. Frog, Dwarf, Poop Hair, Fat and Buyo-buyo

These could all be representations of how Madotsuki is afraid of been seen as, or already perceives herself as. Although self-explanatory, these are very common anxieties teenagers (and adults) have, that can be extremely distressing and impacting in their mental health, regardless if those traits are actually negative (like there’s nothing wrong with being fat, short or be a little person). But, because of social and cultural notions of beauty standards, people who deviate from them are often made fun of, with some extreme cases of bullying leading to suicide or intense harm.

And me, while not being Japanese or having any deep understanding of the culture, have the impression that the norms there, are way harsher than here on Brazil (or America in general). While, yes, the social pressure and even stigmatization to look a certain way is definitely a problem in all countries, but with some examples like young girls starving themselves a few days before their weighting in health check ups (because they happen in the school and everybody knows everybody’s numbers), lead me to imagine just how the huge damage that can have in someone’s psyche, specially in a young girl.

For the frog effect I imagine it’s in association of feeling ugly in general, or even having acne (as some species of frogs have bumpy skin). Again, very subjective and not even inherently bad, but in associations of stories like the “frog prince” and saying like “ugly as a toad”, there is a cultural stigma with not fitting in visually. And again again, can have an immense impact in one’s mental health, confidence and self esteem.

And for the Poop hair, I have two readings: one in relation of poor hygiene as consequence of debilitating mental health problems, and the anxiety of been seen as stupid. The second one is also pretty self explanatory, it’s not nice to feel like you’re unintelligent. Grading specifically comes to mind, as Japan infamously has a harsh discipline between students by publishing their grades for everyone to see, even low grades. It’s something that already is difficult to deal with, as it feels like a spotlight is put onto you, but also, even more so if someone is struggling with psychological issues, which will discourage them to study at something that they already might be struggling at.

The mental health aspect can also affect the personal hygiene of someone, as mentioned. Some depressive episodes can lead to people not leaving their beds for days, which can lead to unpleasant smells, and in extreme cases even have excretions happen in bed. It’s something that is extremely sensitive to talk about, because it’s a humiliating experience to anybody, but it is a facet of mental health that is often unexplored. While unpleasant, some people may not have the will to get up and clean themselves, while simultaneously being deeply ashamed. Independent if Madotsuki is at that stage, I think she has anxieties of being seen as unhygienic, perhaps even as a burden to her caretakers (another common fear of people in this situation). Some people think her room is the full apartment, but I always saw as just a room, as we don’t see a bathroom or somewhere to cook, and that might explain why it’s pretty clean and organized, despite Mado’s clear debilitating mental health, as her parents would take care of her.

(Unrelated because I’m going to make a silly comment right after such a sensitive topic, but it’s actually insane how some people completely ignore some themes cause they seem stupid or gross, like poop. I know we live in a society that goes “hee hee poop funny ha ha” like those deranged poopie unicorn kids toys, but it’s like. Really important to take things seriously if you want to talk about depression and mental health? I don’t know man, it bothers me how some people sometimes just woobify depression and simply fucking ignore some aspects cause they’re “gross”. Just really dehumanizing. Like people will have sympathy for people who cut, but treat those with such low energy they physically cannot go to the bathroom as freaks. Not that we shouldn’t have sympathy for those who self harm, that isn’t at all what I’m saying, but this condition IS ALSO A FORM OF SELF HARM CAUSED BY EXTREME DEPRESSION. Sigh.)

2.1.6. Long Hair and Blonde Hair

In contrast with the previous effects, these two could indicate what Madotsuki wants to look like, or be seen as. Long hair is considered very feminine through many cultures and also as beautiful, so maybe that’s the desire. Mado’s hair already seems long, due to the pigtails having that length, so maybe it’s something else, like letting her hair free from the braids. Another theory, that relates to the hygiene topic mentioned, it’s that it’s someone common to tie hair up when it’s dirty, but a bun or a ponytail could be uncomfortable to sleep in, while the pigtails would suit much better.

The blonde hair however, many people associate with beauty, and sure it can be beautiful, but in Japan it’s quite uncommon. Once again, dunno much about Japanese culture, but there’s a few examples of people with blonde hair going to Japan and being stared at, mostly cause it’s uncommon, and maybe associated with Gyaru fashion, which can be seen as garish. It’s something that may have been changing currently, with international media and even Japanese celebrities dyeing their hair, but it still seems there’s a social stigma around it. So I’m not really sure how to interpret it. One reading could be that Mado would like to change her appearance, y’know? Just have a big change, I don’t know. This one (and the last 2 effects) kinda leave me stumped a bit.

2.1.7. Lamp and Stoplight

Beside the knife and the Bike, I think these two are the most iconic effects in the game! But beside that I think they can hold a lot of interpretations, from the most surface stuff to some abstract philosophy bullshit.

Starting with the lamp, I think it can either be just that, a lamp with dream logic. But also, I have a few other readings about it. One of them being Madotsuki’s desire to be able to clearly see things, as in being able to understand her struggles and how the world works. Specifically on teenhood, people start to develop a lot of the questionings about how things work, which often is confused with just having and attitude or being rebellious. Being curious about the world and it’s functioning is normal, and it is also extremely common with mentally ill children, because they struggle to understand their negative feelings and wish to “solve” them. By having a lamp as the head, it could mean Madotsuki is trying to be “rational” about her issues, trying to see things fully without any shadows obscuring her perception. If it’s effective is another can of worms, but it’s comforting to a light (explanation) for an issue.

Another theory of the lamp that I have, is that it could possible symbolize how Mado feels about having mental issues, as if it something that everyone can notice, bright and noticeable. Not only an anxiety of being visibility mentally ill a very common anxiety people who are mentally ill worry about, but the heat of the lamp can also bring a new meaning to “burn with shame”.

For the stoplight, I actually side with the people some kind of traffic accident must have happened with Madotsuki (at least) around to witness it. She being able to control how others react may be an indication of how she wish she could actually do that, maybe to stop a traffic accident, maybe to stop someone’s actions that seem malicious, so on. Although it’s something I think I can only explain by going over some of the theories I have.

2.1.8. Umbrella, Hat and Scarf, Towel and Bicycle

These items, to me, don’t need to have specific meaning themselves, as they are very common everyday items and might just be that. I often dream I wear flip flops, but to me it doesn’t feel like a metaphor for anything, as I wear them everyday in my house. So these give me the impression of just that, representation of something that is considered normal and present on her life.

Although, the umbrella, bicycle and hat/scarf could indicate Mado’s desire to go outside. These could also be items that USED to be normal everyday items, but no longer are due to her being stuck insider her room. And highlighting the bicycle on it’s on, it’s a way of transportation that is very freeing, due to the person riding it being the one in control (different from taking the train or a car ride).

In contrast, the towel can be the comfort she feels by being inside and/or the fear of going outside. When using the effect, Mado sneezes, indicating she’s sick, so maybe there’s an association that she gets sick very often, probably by going outside. And that can corroborate the umbrella and hat/scarf, as they would protect her from getting sick (protect her from the outside).

2.1.9. Severed Head, Yuki-onna, Witch and Oni

While these could be an indication of Madotsuki “feeling like a monster”, or displaced, it could easily be an indication of just an interest in the supernatural and fantasy. Specially the witch effect that resembles Kiki from Kiki’s delivery service. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say Madotsuki (and Kikiyama by extent) may be a fan of Ghibli films, given Uboa can also be a reference to No Face.

2.1.10. Neon and Flute

Dude I don’t fucking know. LMAO. Maybe she likes playing the flute and think neons are cool. But for real, they may be simply just that, as again, not everything needs to have a “”deep”” meaning like I have for the others.

But if I HAD to come up with something, I’d say the neon effect is Mado’s desire to be noticed and the flute the desired to either be heard or create something. And both can be an indication that Madotsuki has an affinity for art, given the drastically changing style of her dreams, something that can happen with people who play and experiment with art often.

(ay. i was going to write more but hey i got tired so that's it for today. hope you liked my insane ramblings!)

[bookshelfdreams]

Im sorry about this i need to rant. I thought things were getting better but Izzy stan Twitter is at it again with their whining, truth bending and self-victimising.

'Do you like OMFD but wish the queer disabled hero didnt die?' IZZY IS NOT THE HERO OF THIS SHOW!!!!! He is at best a reformed antagonist. What an insult to the other disabled characters, and what about the actual heroes of the show??

'We've been betrayed by straight man writing queer stories'. First of all, way to dismiss the other writers. Also, its not his fault you project your personal traumas and mental health on a fictional character on a show with death in the title.

'GB's ending is comphet (?????) because 'we only need eachother' and theyre breaking away from their queer community' ED HAS BEEN WANTING TO LEAVE PIRACY SINCE LAST SEASON!!! also, its progress that Stede was able to resist basic flattery. And David made it clear that they still have work to do. This one truly broke my brain.

Im just sick of all this. Izzy stans have been coddled for the past week, being told its ok to grieve, but theyve crossed multiple lines. I do wish some things had been more explicit in this finale, only because David overestimated the maturity and media literacy of some people.

Sorry for this but i needed to talk to people here. Its beyond annoyance at this point. Im angry and sick of petty crybabies actively working to poison what we've built.

Don't apologize, feel free to rant at me any time!

"The Blackbonnet ending is comphet" surely is A Take, let me add that to the It's Only Queer If It's Subtext Collection, also featuring such gems as

The Lupete marriage proposal/wedding was basically straight

Canon queer ships are boring and unimportant

Izzy has the only queer arc

Izzy is the only "convincingly" queer character

It's super interesting to see this develop. The massive victim/persecution complex of a certain subset of Izzy fans. The vitriol leveled against all other fans, and the show itself, because clearly, these people never liked ofmd in the first place. Never liked what it actually had to say and instead, invented subtext that was never there to look into instead. It's like watching the birth of a conspiracy theory under controlled conditions in a petry dish. You will see these people say with their whole chest the most unhinged bullshit imaginable and receive praise for it, but when you keep in mind that for months, they have discussed the show Izzy in their insular little echo chambers, most of their takes become a lot more understandable. There's robust internal logic, even though, due to the flawed premise, none of it makes any sense.

But it becomes understandable when we loop back around to the point that a lot of these people don't engage with the show on its own merit. They really treat it as if it were just another queerbaity (maybe not even that) mid-2010s thing, too afraid to do something different.

ofmd is not that! But when all you have is a hammer. And when you're surrounded by people who keep insisting that yes, obviously that problem is a nail. That one too. Nails are all that exist. yk.

But. And please know that I am holding your hands and speak as gently as I can when I say this.

But please don't get angry about this? If this whole drama genuinely upsets you, you might need to take a step back and remind yourself that it's just fandom. It's just some idiots somewhere enjoying the pirate show wrong. It's not that important. There's plenty of things that are worth your anger in the world right now. Everything is fucked. But this isn't one of them.

Like, for me, this is fun. I am a petty bitch, I love to gawk at bad takes, I love conspiracy theories, reading things like this tickles my brain in the best possible way. It's like reading through the Psiram wiki (which is also something I do for fun. Yes, I am aware there's something wrong with me). It's even better, because it's inconsequential. It doesn't have very real human misery attached to it.

Like, obviously i think it's fine to be opinionated about dumb bullshit on the internet, and while picking fights with people who don't agree with me isn't something I enjoy personally, some people do and there's nothing wrong with that either. As long as everyone involved is having fun.

But. You gotta keep your distance, you know? Don't get personally mad at people with bad opinions. Having wrong opinions about the pirate show isn't actually harmful. Fandom isn't activism.

[sollucets]

hi rowan! sorry to hear you had a rough day. for the writing ask game: how about 19, 28, and/or 39?

hello mel 💜💜💜 thank you for indulging me (game) i wrote. way too much. and it was a lovely distraction x

19. tell me a story about your writing journey. when did you start? why did you start? were there bumps along the way? where are you now and where are you going?

i will stick with only one of these i think, or this will be far Far too long, so: fic writer rowan, several starts

the first time i remember like specifically intentionally setting out to write something that counts as a story, on purpose & not for school, i am eight & i am handwriting in a composition notebook and i am writing oc/transparent self-insert fanfiction about the protector of the small quartet by tamora pierce. i am using the family computer to look up oc names on angelfire fansites. these are 100% The Days haha.

i do more stuff like that, later; i handwrite pages on pages of pokemon fanfic (make-ur-own region type thing complete with bad drawings of fake pokemon). i do a lot of this kind of thing on my own and for me, and then i am maybe 10 or 11 & i move that to forums (bulbagarden palletshipping thread…..,,,) this is baby fanfic writer rowan genesis, and posting on the internet before i was in middle school entirely killed my desire to do it for over a decade; i write often and a lot even outside of my work (ive completed nanowrimo three times!) but nobody ever sees it.

i get an ao3 in 2013 and post one doctor who fic but i am too scared and i orphan it right away. during a really intense media fixation i try again at the beginning of 2022 despite immense anxiety and find its not so bad. and then again for a different fandom a couple months later, and the response is such an immediate pickmeup & the writer friends ive made are so lovely that ive been trying my best ever since

28. who is the most delightful character youve ever written? why?

this is so hard. sobs. i like writing characters that have unique speech patterns, who like. make the narrative Sound different by being the pov character, which is something thats sometimes kind of hard about english-translated works (am i changing their cadence too much would they actually talk like that how much is my interpretation of the subs messing it up) so,,, i think for me i think the Most delightful characters that i always have the most fun writing are always characters like. avvy rasmr, who talks like a little fantasy spock, or anyone i can give talking quirks (like aye’s petnames). this is a copout u cant ever ask me my favorite anything i cant choose

39. what keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?

you see most of the time i am aware that i love writing its something thats good for me as a person and i feel better when i do it even if its hard and the process occasionally sucks and in that way it is similar to like. taking a stupid mental health walk. you know. so,,,, if i can (sometimes you really just cannot. it happens. its okay) i just…. like….. honestly the ‘i’m being so brave about it’ mindset is good for this. be annoyed & bitch & complain but u still gotta do it and look!!! you did!!!!!

also selective giving up is good for you. have several things to choose from so if something stalls you Can give up, just a little, and go elsewhere for a bit

[possibly-eli]

yk when i look at stuff through the lense of I Have NPD, a lot of things make a lot more sense put under a read-more because its long

like, ive never truly felt bad for people. ive only felt bad for them when there would be consequences if i didnt i always end up somehow making the conversation about myself even if i dont actively try to i dont exactly have many people who i can refer to as "equals" but ive definitely got a few friends i get kind of protective over concepts that relate to me (the idea of being a zombie due to zombie kintype, the idea of Having OCD, etc etc) i get kind of paranoid regarding people and whether or not theyre talking about me behind my back because Of Course they are and they must be upsetting me intentionally because theyve turned on me i get really easily annoyed when anyone other than me vent about something (even, regrettably, my friends) because of said aforementioned disconnect (for e.g. there was someone i apparently had added on discord whose status was "i feel unsafe in my own head" and like. just Fuck Off youre such a loser. go cry about it or something idk man) i have this sort of need to keep up this Unbothered Mysterious Funny Guy and then i always ruin that because i talk about myself too much because i am very. very desperately in need of care and recognition nobody else is allowed to be more mentally ill than me

and like some stuff, i feel, is kinda expected considering my current situation (e.g. wanting support and passes because i get really easily overwhelmed but also not getting those cause my mother is just the perfect amount of ableist to think im as capable as i seem beacuse ~ooh smart~)

all that + take in to account i was excluded by my entire school for most of my time in primary school for being "weird" (autistic) and my only few friends were a) a bitch who i dont think actually cared about me and managed to unlock the bathroom door While i was in the bathroom despite me telling her to STOP (and then she bodyshamed me) and b) another girl who had actual. yk. Friends. because she had the social skills little autistic me lacked (and continue to lack)

so like. you try to tell me im fucking wrong lol. cause im NOT, for one, and two im Never wrong regarding my own (mental) health and MAYBE people should LISTEN to me more about it

[basslinegrave]

vent cuz its good to get out (i have some in my drafts and notes but i keep thinking about them while posting them clears them out of my brain so)

if you read tw homophobia and racism and transphobia i guess, no replies expected (unless you wanna be a hater too)

another summer means another "dad wants to travel somewhere", and even though i said before that i dont wanna go anywhere this year, to not make them (dad and his wife) sad i said a short trip would be okay maybe.. but even that offer i had to refuse, but its always so hard! even though i always weigh the pros and cons i feel like shit every time

the pros being making my dad happy (now i also said im not going if he doesnt mind, to which he replied he does mind. while i understand that, he doesnt see my side of things) i wouldnt enjoy the trip itself ever, so theres no pros there even if we went to my dream locations, never good with them

the cons are literally hurting myself, having to be with people that will never accept me as i am, having to pretend to be someone im not, having to put a mask on and pretend to be a good little girl they think i am, like having to dress not too masc and shave and all that bs that makes me uncomfortable, even though they seem to have absolutely no idea im trans (my fav one was passing by a wedding dress store and them pointing at the store window like oh this will soon be you youre gonna wear one like that hahahaha great joke even. sadly not a joke from them) i cant even bind fully near them for safety and i have to constantly misgender myself which is ruining my mental health further

i also cannot stand that womans racist views and homophobic takes (she havent talked about that lately but i will not forget her talking about wanting gays dead. like literally she was talking about shooting them up and when i tried to reroute the convo she wouldnt stop. also same trip i said shes being racist because she was making fun of koreans and I had to apologize. not her, me. dad was on her side. i was like 19 and she called me a little kid that should not talk back. RACIST BITCH) (also love how she said shes better than me cause i was just a hs student and didnt have a job and she had to work hard and didnt go to college and shit. so in her own words im better now cause now i have a diploma and also worked at the exact same place as her so i did walk in your shoes bitch)

i dont really care if i cut them off. yes dad was nice, but i think she skewed his views and i dont see myself coming out to them (or at least him) anytime soon, and if i ever get on T i dont think i will continue talking to them anyway. i wont change them and im not here to do that anyway, and i want to stay safe

microdosing cutting them off by not going on trips with them

[yellingintovoid]

Merry Christmas am I right? The reason I'm even writing all this is because its bothering me so much I can't focus on work. But anyway.

I hung out with my family, so parents and sibling, but I was expecting to hang out with just my sibling. That would have been nice, I like hanging out with them and just them because idk, we get each other. I mean we were raised by the same people. And I can see it, when my parents are around, they pretty much shut down but when it's just us, they're so much more full of life... Idk I thought it would be nice.

My parents were suppose to go to that bitch's house. I will keep referring to her as such, she is going to be that bitch. Anyway, they were going to go there first, and then spend time with us. Which I mean, when I think about it, is kinda fucked up because like, you'd rather spend time with that bitch than your own daughters if given the choice but whatever. Maybe I'm being bitter? Idk, they sure seem to think I am.

Before I get too sidetracked, my mom then starts going on about how they had a nice Christmas dinner with the family the day before and that I was the only one missing. And she goes on to say that everyone was there, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and their kids, everyone. Of course it's at that bitch's house. It also just occurred to me that I wasn't invited at all, btw. I didn't even get the chance to refuse or accept, I just wasn't invited at all. But anyway.

So everyone was there, mind you it's people I haven't seen in years which I guess would have been nice to see, idk. But she goes on to say how everyone was asking about be and where I was and how they haven't seen me and wanted to see me and it would have been nice if I was there, but they kept asking, and it's not like they knew what happened between me, my husband, and that bitch, and yeah.

I just told her that it sounded nice, and maybe I'd be able to see them all again if they came over to my house instead, or literally if it was anywhere else other than that bitch's house and as long as she wasn't there. And of course, what do I hear?

Don't be like that, it was in the past, she's family now too, the usual.

By the way, if anyone else does stumble across and wants some context into someone else's (mine lol) family drama and why I hate that bitch, look here.

But anyway, yeah I got the usual. I told her that if they wanted me there so bad she shouldn't have treated my husband like shit but she still was like, that was a long time ago, everyone takes out their anger on other people and it doesn't mean anything.

Like what? Did my mom forget how much bullshit that bitch put us through? How she treated my husband? He LITERALLY gets anxcious just driving by her street. He LITERALLY is having mental health issues because of that bitch that he's still trying to work on. And I'm suppose to pretend that didn't happen? And go to that bitch's house and act like I like her or don't remember what she did to him? And that's not including the shit that bitch did to me.

All the anxiety and guilt and manipulation she used to keep us there and keep me there working for her, doing her job and my own, making me feel like I had to compete for my own parent's attention with her because that bitch's mom is also a bitch (wonder where she got it from?) and her dad is dead... Like yeah let me just pretend I'm also not in therapy trying to work on the depression and anxiety that 5 years of abuse caused! Let me pretend that for me, instead of getting anxiety when I go by her street, I don't just get full of rage.

But of course, I can't tell my mom all that, at least I feel I can't. I told her the part that the bitch should not have treated m husband like shit, and my mom came back with, we all do that when we're mad and stress and not everyone can be like me where I don't do that (???) and I just need to let go. She even goes on to say she does it too, and yeah I didn't say anything, but I was thinking, yeah I know. s the eldest child, I got the worst of it from you, mom.

But that's another story of my mom just conveniently forgetting that she was cruel to me.

Anyway, the conversation ended there because my dad got off the phone and basically announced that that bitch was not going to do anything after all because her and my uncle decided to get a new car instead and it was taking a while to get the paperwork done. And that's why it was the whole family instead of just my sibling.

The rest of the night was fine, we ate food (which me and my husband cooked), and watched movies and talked and joked around. It was nice. Does tumblr have a word/character limit? Cuz I sure hope not lol.

But then they left and I've been left with this, idk... These feelings and doubts?

Like is my mom right? Should I just let go or stop being so angry and bitter about it? My husband says he will never forgive that bitch, and I don't blame him, he got the worst of the abuse, and I don't want to force him to see her again either.

But like my mom says, no one else knows why I don't want to see that bitch, so I'm like, what is it just a horrible secret my mom doesn't want to tell anyone? I don't care. If I did see the rest of my family, I'll tell them why I don't go to the gatherings or whatever when that bitch is there, I really don't give a shit.

But is this all worth it when I'm being estranged from my family because of this bitch?

And then I'm like, what do I care? I HATED going to family gatherings when I was still living with my parents. I get along with them all, but I don't really talk to them. They may sit down next to me and ask me things or drag me along to do things, but I don't have the same interests as them, I don't have kids, I just never have had much in common with my cousins other than one, who my uncle left for that bitch so I won't be seeing him at these things either.

So like why do I care? When I was younger, I'd either sit alone in the living room watching TV when everyone else was talking in another room, or I'd sit in the corner and play a handheld video game. Not that I found them annoying. I just didn't like to talk if I didn't have anything to say. I'm still like that actually.

If I feel I'm going to bore you or that you don't care about my interests, I'd rather just not talk or listen to you talk. If I was watching a movie, and then everyone decided to join in and they were talking and joking and stuff, I didn't mind I ilked to listen to it and even join in on occasion.

But that didn't stop me from not liking it because I just always felt so awkward.

So why do I care now? I'm so upset that I wasn't even invited but people were asking about me. That I can't go to these things anymore because that bitch is now always going to be there.

Is it because my mom seems to think it's some sort of secret that she can't tell anyone that that bitch basically abused me and my husband? What is she ashamed that it happened? Is she trying to defend that bitch?

Or is she worried about backlash. Is that it? That everyone will wonder why my mom and dad are still so close to that bitch even though they know how I feel and what she did to me?

I don't know. And I just don't know how to talk to my mom about it because lately she keeps turning it around on me. And how I'm the one being unreasonable and that I should let it go and be a part of all these gatherings. Never anything about how that bitch should apologize or even that she invites us or asks for us to be invited. I'M the one that has to be the bigger person here.

But is it so wrong to, idk, want to protect my husband and myself? I want to protect my mental health just as much as I want to protect his.

Part of what my mom always says to me is that I need to stop being so bitter because it's bad for my soul or whatever. But I'm not. I don't care if that bitch is doing well or not, I hope she is. I hope she's successful, I just don't want to be a part of it.

My mental health and my "soul" is fine and happy without that bitch in my life. The only time it seems to suffer is when my mom brings her up and then tries to guilt me into seeing her.

Idk, at this point, I just want to focus on work and I hope being able to get this OUT somewhere and somehow will help.

[naamahdarling]

Yes, I live in the US. I know. I'm really sorry you have to deal with that, which sounds really close to what I described in the first post, Jesus Christ. it's reprehensible, I am perpetually furious that almost nobody listens but other disabled people or maybe their loved ones, or some good people who try to make it their job to help.

Despite how I expressed it, I'm not really surprised when things are terrible. It was more a way of expressing exasperation and solidarity. I was bitching because the alternative is rescheduling, bothering a disabled friend, or taking my boyfriend away from his job, where he actually does transport for social services -- essentially filling the gaps in our public transit. Just for a service I'm not with. But he is part of trying to fix this for others like you, me, and the person in the UK.

I don't know if you follow me, but I talk about this a lot. It affects so many people I love and me also. I am very loud about "deliberately ignoring a problem is the same as causing it on purpose, also, people hate us and want us to die, and the structures in place to help us are often so terrible they make that happen through willful neglect as well as aggressive gatekeeping to protect what little they do begrudgingly distribute, it is not possible to succeed or thrive or reliable survive below a certain level of functionality + wealth, and nothing the government supplies will make that possible on its own." Like, you clearly get all that, both unfortunately and thank fuck. It's a litany of bullshit that most people don't want to acknowledge, but that once you see it, you can't unsee.

Believe me, I'm where you're at on this.

I want to be really specific that I'm not physically disabled, but holy bleeding fuck, the ableism and barriers to survival that I have dealt with just being disabled with mental health stuff have almost killed me and I fully expect them to in about 20 to 25 years. I'm not new to how terrible it is. It absolutely isn't any better for people disabled with mobility issues and I'd say that if you combine it with other disabilities, poverty, no job, and no car, it's got to be immeasurably worse much of the time. At least I CAN usually get to appointments without outside assistance beyond my boyfriend or best friend. I'm lucky.

It WAS genuinely unexpected to hear that any aspect of public transit is worse in the UK, where they rag on the US for being inferior in this way specifically. I especially wasn't anticipating that it would be worse than the garbage we have right where I live (which includes Medicaid transport which I haven't used yet but sounds okay, I just wasn't thinking about that, oops).

I mean, the whole not securing wheelchairs thing, WOW. I would have thought that at least from a liability standpoint they would do that much. You know?

Cannot believe that it would take two hours, 30 minutes of which are spent walking, to get from my house to the physical therapy clinic on public transit and 13 minutes by car, with construction backups. Except I can believe that. Totally. Because our public transit is a fucking disgrace.

Even if I was willing to take two hours to get somewhere, I can't walk for half an hour so I can get to physical therapy for my fucked up ankles. That's insane.

No, not everyone has "the same 24 hours" and no, we don't need to make cars harder to get or more expensive to run.

When people talk about how it's harder for poor people to access medical care, this is part of it too.

Also, if you can't get to something like PT for pain relief, which your doctor wants to try before meds that actually help...wouldn't buying painkillers off the street seem a lot more reasonable? Like maybe it would be the only option?

I'm not in that situation but boy is it real.

[panics-side-blog]

New cycle

Part:1 (??)

Small edit: decide to update the story once a month about mid-end of the month to be exact. Maybe i will sprinkle 2 chapters per month as a treat if i feel like it :)

I really really tried to not do a fanfic because I'm terrible at finishing shit i started. But damn bro i want some slow burn-ish comfort-ish fanfic where reader is autistic coded and them pulling a bad bitch (Soundwave and maybe shockwave) by being autistic.

Bc like, there are no fics i found who have an autistic coded reader?? And that's a fucking crime. Especially when their with the king of autism,Soundwave, who clearly got some sort of Cybertronian Version of it. /hj

This story is probably going to be darker. Dealing with mental health issues and unhealthy obsession(??). Maybe gonna have some smut later on but idk

I will try to not make the reader x Soundwave Stockholm syndrome-y because i want a happy consensual relationship. I still try to figure out how i will make it from here to there but, eh we will see, i have a plan just don't know how to execute it right.

I procrastinate a lot so i don't even know how far I will go. No promises!

Also like i am really insecure about my writing because i know i tend to write sloppy sentences that derail a lot but i hope you all still can enjoy it :))

reader is gender neutral ❤️ (and human)

Tw for this chapter: clear signs of mental health issues, trauma flashback, mention of puke and eating disorder (not related) Panic attack/ autistic meltdown and blacking out.

Also English is not my first language so please keep it in mind. Thank you :))

Today was the day you told yourself, "Today I will go outside," you said, yet you have been standing in front of the door of the hallway for almost two hours. Your shoes and socks feel like they have creeped into your skin, the t-shirt you wore feels itchy and heavy, and your hair that slipped into your collar makes you almost lose your mind.

The sun that shone inside your dark room was slowly going down, a slight red and pink already weaving itself into the sky. But there were still a lot of people outside; you could hear them talking even though your windows were sealed shut.

Everything around you appears to be too much: the way you can hear your own pulse in your ears; the way your bones feel inside your gross, soft, meaty body;the lingering smell of the food you cooked two days ago; and your eyes strained from the light.

You felt like crying. Yet again, you didn't go outside. Yet again, your fear  whatever imaginary threat might be waiting for you in the overstimulation of the outer world. It was just too much for you, to the point that the thought alone almost made you have a meltdown.

But you promised yourself to go outside, at least to the ice cream shop a few blocks away. You heard the ice cream they had was really good, so you wanted to take a look. It's not that far away, you think to yourself, about a 15-minute walk. But these few minutes were still too much. Hell, that you even stood in front of the hallway door was a miracle all by itself. Hot tears begin to form and roll down your cheeks. How long have you been isolating yourself now? Almost a whole year, a whole year with barely any human interaction, a whole year you almost slept through, a whole year of nothing. Just your white fall and the music coming from your headphones. Your body, with its physical needs, feels at this point more like a burden than anything else.

It's not the first time this has happened, and it makes you feel like shit. You are wasting your life in your home, which has become more of a prison, but this prison is the only thing that feels somewhat safe. A place that makes you feel in control, where nothing changes without your permission. It's the only thing that gives you a tiny bit of comfort.

" It's alright, you're doing great! Don't be so hard on yourself! "

The voice of a past friend echoed inside your brain. But even those motivating words of affirmation they always spoke out didn't help you. You still feel like a failure. You don't have a job; you live off of your guardian's money and have lost all contact with the few friends you have. You didn't finish high school due to massive stress and mental health issues. Hell, you didn't even manage to make friends after losing your older one, or even talk to your neighbor next door once. They probably think you died here. It doesn't help that you leave the dirty dishes to soak for weeks because you don't have enough energy to clean them up. So it sometimes smells like a rat died in there.

What you would rather do is sleep some more. At least your dreams give you a beautiful world full of adventures where everything is right and you do not need to fear anything. where everything is perfect and you don't have to worry about a thing. Living in a small cottage somewhere far away but still close enough to your imaginary friends. With a pretty garden and colorful birds greeting you every morning, while big,strong,warm arms are wrapped protectively around you by your dream lover. But every time you wake up, you get an ugly reminder of how grey and full of disappointment your life is.

Another hour has passed, and the ice cream shop is most likely closed now. Only the small market that is a bit further away should still be open. They too got some good snacks, but honestly, even food can't motivate you anymore. You're so aware of how it feels on your tongue and slides down your throat that just thinking about it makes you gag. The presence of it already makes you feel ill and icky. You wish you didn't have to drink or eat, but you know it's not good.

Oh, you know so much, yet you do the exact opposite of what said knowledge actually tells you.

The sun has almost vanished at this point. Most people are inside, the street lights are on, and only the sounds of the few leaves that are still on the trees can be heard. You would go out now if you weren't terribly scared of the dark. But as your brain made you imagine how the cool winter night would taste on the tip of your tongue, you couldn't resist anymore. Especially with the way the snow makes this funny, crisp noise. Your hand takes the door handle and slowly moves it down. You take your first step and the cool air already strikes your face with such an intensity you haven't felt in ages.

It made you remember those days when you were a child and you ran around for hours making snow angels.

The steps under your feet made a satisfying crunching noise, and you had to control yourself to not flap your hands around in excitement. Carefully, you close the door and lock it. You look up as you walk further down the street, not having a destination, or rather forgetting it, the gorgeous night sky making you forget your worries. How clear it was and how bright the stars shone. And not a person around to ruin this moment. The sudden feeling of long-lost childhood memories crashing into your brain caused you to make tiny bunny hops, excitedly giggling.

A flashback at this moment in time was one of the last things you wanted right now, but yet, you zoned out.

Memories flooded your mind; some were pleasant, but others quickly turned bitter as they became contaminated with other things. Everything around you is barely existent anymore. You only have in front of your eyes how you cried out as a small child, freezing, calling out for your parents but nobody answering. Sniffling, rubbing your tiny red hands together in hopes of getting warm; clothes way too thin and soaking wet because you walked over some ice that couldn't hold your weight.

You were so deep in thought you didn't hear how an aircraft came dangerously close to you or how the rumbling of a semi truck came speeding towards your frozen form.

You got ripped out of your thoughts, which also happened to your body, as something grabbed you from the sidewalk. Everything happened so fast. Your brain  trying to process whatever just happened, coming back from whatever deep dark depths it stayed in.

Your vision is too blurry due to tears that formed without your realization.

You only hear loud screeching and rumbling from an engine. A deep voice that made your very core shake called out, but you couldn't make out what it said. Your wide eyes looked up to see what was holding you.

The tears were rubbed away by the sleeves to make it clearer. You couldn't believe what you saw; a man made out of metal who had a few body parts that reminded you of a heavy and big truck. And close to them was another humanoid machine with wings. It all looked like a bad action movie.

The loud crashing noises of metal trashing against each other hurt your brain; their echo lingers way too long for comfort. How do the people from your small town not get alerted by all the noise?

You heard another strange noise near by, and then a blue, much smaller mech joined in. They jump up high, kicking whatever live form that was in front of you on the head, knocking it down. It tried to stand back up, but the blue machine gave it a brutal beat down, scratching its purple paint clean off of its chest.

But the sudden fight stopped without warning.

The bigger one who held you is running away and making this strange noise you heard earlier. Everything around you began to shake, and you blacked out for a second. You wish you could remember exactly what happened, but the way you hit metal with your head was too strong. The holes filling your memory spread like a plague, and the longer you try to think about it, the more it vanishes, like some type of maggot devouring it like it's their last meal.

But you soon come fully into your senses. As you realized your surroundings didn't look familiar, you panicked, opening your mouth trying to scream, but nothing came out.

"Ti--ou-t,"

A voice called out, but your ears were still ringing loudly due to the collision earlier.

"What?" you whisper back to whatever voice was trying to free you from your fearful frenzy. As you move nervously around trying to open the door,

"Tiny-uman-ou-ar-ight,"

You look at the steering wheel in confusion. What is happening? This can't be real! Where does the voice come from? Oh, please let this be a bad dream! I knew I should've stayed inside!! The thought of just taking this magically moving steering wheel came to mind as the pulling on the door became more intense. But, you can't drive, so your cramped up fingers didn't even dare to touch it.

"Are you okay, tiny human?"

The voice, finally now clear, was deep and smooth, like thick honey. It would have been comforting in any other scenario.

You want to ask who is there and what they are, but your body fails you. After an awkward silence, the voice spoke again.

"You are probably very confused and scared. My apologies to humans. My name is Optimus Prime, and we "

"Optimus? I-,,, are-,,,is-? truck?"

You clumsily said,

"Indeed, as I wanted to explain, we saved you from an attack by the Desepticons. My partner Arcee is still fighting off their Vehicon in order for us to escape safely. "

You just looked in disbelief at the speaking machine. At least, that's what you believe based on Optimus' reaction.

"I'm deeply sorry for this situation, but I can assure you that you are safe now and have nothing to fear. Me and my team will take you under our protection. "

" Can I-can I go home then? I'm sure whatever attacked is surely gone, right? "

You say, with a nervous smile, sweat building up on your forehead, your body all of a sudden feeling very hot.

" For whatever reason yet to be explained, the Desepticons found out where you live, and for whatever reason yet to be explained, they are fixated on you. That's why they tried to kidnap you."

"Kidnap!! No, this can't be happening. Surely you're just joking. Surely this is all just a terrific nightmare! "

You feel as if your heart has sunk to the bottom of the earth. Breathing has become more erratic.

" I'm sorry, tiny human, but it isn't. In order to insure your safety, you have to stay with us until we find another safe hideout for you. "

You just stayed silent and leaned back into the seat, still not believing what had just occurred. You looked outside; nothing but rocks and hills, going further and further away from your home. It's dark and the big sky now feels not as pretty and comforting as before. The wide and empty steppe made you feel tiny and vulnerable.

Bright lights appeared from your side of the window. A blue bike without a driver soon joined in.

"Are they all right, Optimus?"

They asked, their voices soft yet stern and serious.

"Yes, but they seem to be under shock. I already did an intercom with Ratchet to check their vitals".

You sobbed quietly, not wanting them to hear you. Hands flexing and soon balling into fists hit your thighs gently, desperately trying to regulate your emotions. But you can feel how a panic attack and meltdown crawl up your rips, holding your heart with its disgustingly cold, frost-bitten giving hands. It is clawing at it like some sort of toy that it wants to break. And soon, this toy popped.

Your head is spinning, your breathing has no rhythm, and the bit of food you had is coming back up with some stomach acid. No, this is something you can't get out of. The more gentle-ish hitting became violent. Your body begins to sway back and forth. You started to claw at your jacket, trying to rip it away from your body. Everything feels way too hot and sticky. Your nails are digging into your skin, giving it an ugly red line. Tears and snot form. Puke spills little by little from your lips as the erratic movements become violent.

Until your brain couldn't handle it anymore and pulled the plug. Your body thumped itself one more time against the leather seat. Your hands were hitting your head and clawing at your hair for the last time, until everything went black.

You hate the feeling of falling unconscious; it's weirdly light, like when you sit on an airplane and it starts to fly off, just instead of it flying straight up, it goes in circles.

You desperately want to wake up in your cozy bed, with your headphones next to you, playing your comfort playlist to help you fall asleep. But it won't. Something inside of you knows that nothing will be the same. A part of you is happy that this disfigured devil cycle has been broken; another is very, very scared. You are uncertain about your wellbeing and do not know what will come next for you.

And having to hide from whatever those things are, those ginormous, sentient metal beings who, for whatever reason, have it out for you?

What did you even do that peaked their interest? Did you make them angry? You'd hoped not.

[bluetomorrows]

Going Through My Movies Part 7: Jodorowsky's Dune (2013)

Okay this is one I have a lot of conflicting feelings about. But first...

God this one is an absolute bitch to google. Anyways, this one definitely isn't bad, but it's the worst so far. It's one of several shorts where Bugs gives his life story. As you've seen with my previous reviews I love when they keep building upon a joke or do a joke in a ton of unique ways, but here it just seems like the exact same joke over and over. It's entertaining, but this could have been much better.

This was an interesting piece. As a testament to one man's ambition to create art it's fantastic. The highlights are easily anytime Jodorowsky talks about his passion for filmmaking and his love for this project, or anytime we get to see the storyboards brought to life in animation. You love to see how many different talented people worked on the project and how their passion shines through.

That's the film at its best. At its worst, it's simply Jodorwosky sucking his own dick. This movie HAD to be good. It would have been a completely flawless masterpiece. The only reason the studios rejected it was because they "Were intimidated by his imagination". Jodorowsky pitched a very very expensive, very very long, sci-fi epic in the 70s. They did not fucking think through their pitch at all. At the very least they could have considered cutting it into parts.

I am serious when I say there is not a single dissenting voice in this entire thing. Not even an obligatory person talking about how terrible it was as an adaptation. Jodorowsky either dismisses or completely contradicts most of the major themes of the book. Paul is not supposed to be a God. The whole point is that we shouldn't make gods out of men. Paul fucking ascending at the end of the movie, becoming immortal and instantly terraforming Dune goes against this.

That's fine mind you. It wouldn't have had to be an accurate adaptation to be good. It's fine for it to be its own unique thing. But you know, if you're going to take a deep dive into an adaptation, maybe spend just a little bit of time on the source material?

I'm not surprised to hear that's how the film would have ended, because it seems like Jodorowsky, and by extension, the film, see himself as a God.

As a piece about the passion and love of filmmaking Jodorowsky's Dune is great. As an actual documentary, it's just okay. I like this but it could have been much much better.

Next up in my collection is An Elephant Sitting Still directed by Hu Bo. If you aren't familiar with the film, it is a film that is, at least based on everything I've heard, a fantastic masterpiece and one of the best directorial debuts of all time. However, despite being a debut, it would end up being Bo's last film as he committed suicide shortly after completing the film.

As someone who has intense struggles with mental health, this isn't going to be an easy film to talk about or watch. I may take a break from this series in order to emotionally prepare myself for the film and I'll probably also take extra time writing the review as I want to handle this subject delicately. Alternatively, I may just end up skipping AESS and saving it for later down the line, in which case the next film will be All Monsters Attack, otherwise known as Godzilla's Revenge.

See ya when I see ya

[emmkitt]

[pulls out my ‘i am diagnosed autistic’ certification card] i am qualified. okay lets do this.

i think this is overthinking things way too much and i strongly disagree. youre allowed to feel however you wanna feel but like. at the end of the day i dont think mephone was meant to be. like. symbolic of autism/someone with autism. Like, he wasn’t made with that specific intention in mind.

YOU CAN HEADCANON HIM TO BE AUTISTIC OFC. i do too 😭. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. but i dont think the writers wrote this to be some insane ‘autism EVIL!’ conspiracy allegory. even if he WAS confirmed canonically autistic, i STILL dont think the alien egg thing would be them trying to demonize autism; it just happens to be lore relevant. what should they do instead? no lore allowed? no fun? i’d quite like to have a character like mephone be canonically autistic, cause i think hes a damn good representation of what its like. you LITERALLY feel like an outsider from everyone around you, like you’re different. (much like the fact his contestants all werent real but he ‘sort of’ is. Theyre all still made the same way, theyre all artificial, but it still feels like theres some disconnect. Me personally, thats how it feels sometimes.) also mephone is just an interesting character. it beats being represented by some mocking stereotype or some side character who appears for 5 minutes and never comes back ever again.

im honestly getting tired of takes like these that try to say shit like ‘knife is canonically misogynist’ or ‘test tube is canonically ableist’ or ‘animationepic is this/that for writing this!’ and “it makes you EVIL to like this character or this ship or this show,,,” all these crazy claims when i dont think that was the writer’s intentions AT ALL. they’re just coincidences and how you choose to interpret the media. knife was just written to be an asshole. test tube had her judgement clouded cause her best friend (husband) got ‘unfairly’ voted out so she was a bitch to cabby. i dont think its always as deep as people try to make it out to be.

if you wanna intepret a character or situation one way, thats FINE. but it so strange to try and frame a VERY COMMON TROPE as the writers trying to be ableist or anti-tism or conspiratory or whatever.

i said this in my mephone4 age thing and ill say it again. we cannot apply real world standards to fictional universes. mephone being the egg alien guy is just cause the plot calls for it and because its a fictional universe. i dont think animationepic is trying to demonize autism or whatever.

i went on a ramble and i understand op is just stating their own opinions but i feel the need to put this out there before the ii neg people get their grubby hands on this and try to call AE ableist or some shit LMAO. at the end of the day, its a kids show, and i really dont get the impression from AE that theyd be the type to intentionally put some anti autism propaganda in their show.

oh also as an autism i have never heard of this conspiracy theory op is referencing, so i highly doubt AE has heard about it either.

maybe my take sucks and im wrong though. idk. im tired

oh and quick edit. takes in general like these are harmful. it makes writers feel like they need to walk on eggshells to write literally anything related to like. mental health. or whatever topic. or just makes them feel like you cant write ANYTHING without it unintentionally being ableist or homophobic or something because someone interprets it that way. obviously, if something is genuinely harmful, point it out, but we should also be encouraging people to attempt to write these sorts of topics. especially smaller creators who are trying their best to give us representation, we shouldnt be calling them EVILLL for trying. otherwise no one will want to try to write, say, autistic. or gay. or whatever characters.

ok im done now sorry if i got off topic

Does shimmer4 mildly gross out anyone else. Like not because its a bad AU concept no it's neat. But it keeps reminding me of those conspiracy theories about autistic people being aliens who were sent to earth or some shit. U know. Starseed. like it gives me a little ick. at first i thought it was just because my hc doesnt align with that but no there's a valid reason

.

[uglycourage]

I am officially on Hiatus from MIFIRA.

But, this is not new information. It just puts a name to the past few months of absence as well as where I'm at currently regarding the story

The lack of a laptop has been a bigger setback than I could have ever anticipated. Remember me saying a few months back that I looked forward to seeing how my writing differs when I'm hand-writing everything? I was so optimistic, so naive ... The reality is my thoughts rush almost constantly, always have. A keyboard can keep up with that, my hand and pen can not. Especially when I'm so deep into a story that already has an established flow to it

Beyond the above, what it also boils down to is -- its been impossible to come up with anything. I reread the story, I look at and add to my notes/outline. All of this, numerous times. Over and over again. The flow and motivation simply doesn't come, and I know better than to try and force it

Rest assured, the headspace for this story is not gone, it just doesnt want to come out.

I find that these sorts of things have a way of cycling back around. Maybe the less I try to chase after it, the better chances are of it returning?

In the meantime, I've lost myself to a brand new hyperfixation... a German mountain of a man I didn't know anything about prior to a month ago. Hoooooooly balls have I lost myself! I didn't think I could daydream about someone else as frequently, intensely or romantically as I do Mr. Ledger, but this is not the case, as I've so thoroughly learned

Maybe this is a good thing as it'll give Mr. Ledger a rest from my imagination so he can return as the Joker with a vengeance when I least expect it

I do believe in hyperfixation burn out... thinking or relying on someone or something so strongly and intensely that you not only lose interest in them/it quicker, but it ends abruptly and without warning. Mr. Ledger has been a daydream companion since he passed in 2008, popping in and out of my imagination and thoughts at his leisure

He's been working overtime the last 3 years. He needs a break.

I have no doubt he'll return

Does this all make sense? Or am I weirding you out?

((On an irrelevant side note, I finally figured out why I am the way I am. The mental health journey I embarked on this year isn't going the way I expected at all, but I'd never have learned the things I have about myself if the road wasn't so non-linear. If you're on a similar journey too, don't give up. Sometimes a breakthrough arrives just when you need it most)).

Back to this post-- I am writing bits and pieces of a story for my current hyperfixation, and there is a good chance I'll be posting that story when the time is right (if I can ever get over the cringe I personally feel writing RPF)

I'm mentioning all this for the sole purpose of reassuring you I've NOT abandoned MIFIRA, I've not banished it to the pits of hell, I've not assumed my uglycourage 2.0 form that has a persistent case of amnesia... ...err... um... err... what was I saying... beep boop, sneep snoop... doo doo doo... where am I , what year is it, WHO A R E Y. O. U. P E O P LE

Recap. My pulse still beats. I am officially on Hiatus from MIFIRA. New German guy hyperfixation make my brain and loins go brrrrrr! I'll probably pursue the story I have in mind. Doesn't mean I've abandoned MIFIRA. It's just that the focus/attention/motivation/flow is not there

I would rather write something than nothing at all, because at least then I'm working out that muscle. So, when Ch. 45 finally is ready to write, it will hopefully be a more seamless transition into it

I am sorry the news isn't better. I'm sorry my focus has a willpower of its own. But your girl hasn't forgotten you, your support, or this story

I'm Rick Astley, bitches.