#its especially like this with the older folks. old people just LOVE when i stop by even if just to talk for a bit. its crazy

[ekuns]

being well liked by the community i live in is so funny. i can show up at a good chunk of my neighbor's houses uninvited and unannounced, knock on the door, and they;ll without fail just be like "oh hi!! come in, how are you???" and sometimes even offer me snacks and shit

[spidrzfall]

Bus ⤑ Peter Parker.

This fic is heavily inspired and taken after the Bluey Episode 'Bus' !! which is just the cutest episode in the whole show that i have the biggest inspiration for it hehe !! Enjoy you guys, Love A.

☆° Peter Parker x Male Reader

☆°• fluff!

°•▪︎ Fem readers DNI ♡♡

♧ warnings: none! !!♧

♡ NOTES: none !!

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The second (M/N) stepped out the door he could feel the nerves in his body consume him whole. His leg bounced up and down as he waited at the bus stop, trying to locate where the bus was and when it would arrive. For the past month and a half (M/N) has been taking the bus…more specifically the 4-11, usually at this time it was empty, with no passengers and if there were it would only be a few which was a miracle! Nevertheless (M/N) appreciated the idea that there weren't any passengers…especially because he had the biggest crush on the bus driver, Peter. 

As the bus pulled in at the same time as always causing (M/N) to stand up and walk up to the two front doors of the bus that hissed open as Peter announced, “Bus stopping! Doors opening!” As his eyes made contact with (M/N) a bright smile saw his usual passenger on the other side as he began to speak, “Mornin’ Passenger, where are you headed off to today?” Peter glanced at the man seeing him insert some coins into the slot of the bus before hurriedly making his way to one of the seats closest to the window in the 2nd row. “The Art Museum, Please!” (M/N) managed, his voice somewhat high pitched and quick feeling the familiar nerves hit him at once as he spoke to the brunette.

“Huh…okay?” Peter murmured to himself before grabbing one of the stick gears next to him and announcing that the doors would be shut close now as he hummed a small tune as he continued to drive. Unknowing to him about the nervous wreck that was (M/N) who occasionally glanced in Peter’s direction the air inside thick with awkwardness and clear silence the only sound coming from the city as Peter took note of the lack of traffic, “There isn’t much traffic today, so it should be a smooth drive to the Museum. That is unless something get’s in our way but I doubt that’s gonna happen, we shouldn’t take that long to get there” Peter broke the silence as he continued to drive, his eyes on the road as he spoke to the man behind him who replied shortly afterwards “Oh, That’s…great”

(M/N) would be lying if he said he didn’t wish that something would make the bus ride a smidge bit longer, sure he and Peter never talked and it was just a silly distant crush but he liked Peter regardless that even if they had to sit in silence the whole ride, (M/N) would enjoy it anyways. The bus taking it’s usual course as Peter made a stop towards on of the bus stops nearby, “Yeah, it’s most likely going to be a smooth trail from he…” Peter cut off as he opened the bus doors to let in passengers as he groaned softly, Richard and Gladys. “Oh no..” Peter murmured as he ran a hand through his face, a look of boredom and slight annoyance crawled its way to him seeing as Richard and Gladys slowly approach the buses entrance.

Peter didn’t know where to begin with Gladys and Richard, two old folk he had picked up roughly 4 different times in the 2 years he’s been working as a bus driver but even from those few interactions boy did they leave an impression on Peter. For two old people they were quite annoying, Richard was always up in everybodys business and everybodys lives concerned him which was sweet but highley overbearing especially when the older man always tried to take matters into his own hands. Gladys was almost the opposite, a very sweet woman but just as colorful as the older man. She was hard of hearing and would constantly not pay attention to almost anything anybody would tell her as well as being incredibly clumsy and unfiltered. 

“We’re on our way to bingo, darling” Gladys began as he opened up her coin purse grabbing a fist full and just chucking them at Peter’s feet a small chuckle escaping her lips “Awh, My coins…” She spoke her voice catching (M/N)’s attention. Peter couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he set his foot down “Alright listen, you two. I do not want any trouble! I expect you two to be decent.” Pointing his finger as he glared at the two, Richard raising his voice as he had a smile on his face “I don’t know what you’re referring to, son.” before walking towards the seats of the bus his eyes making contact with (M/N)’s as he sat next to him “Hope you don’t mind if i take a seat here do you, son?” – “All yours” (M/N) replied as he scooted over seeing as how Gladys took a seat in the row in front of them.

“Where are you headed to, Love?” Richard asked as he turned to face the younger man. “Oh to the Art Museum” (M/N) replied as he saw Richard shake his head “You should take the 6-17 bus, It’ll take you there faster.” the older man suggested as he pointed to a nearby bus stop where the 6-17 usually stopped at before Gladys commented “No, Love. You’re thinking about the 8-10 bus” – “Oh you don’t know what you’re talking about!” Richard replied as he shook his head before his attention being retracted back to (M/N)’s. “Well actually I take this bus because…I’m secretly in love with the bus driver” (M/N) confessed as he whispered the last bit to Richard seeing the old mans eyes widen in surprise and interest as he ‘ooh’ed at (M/N)’s confession, “Really? He seems a bit dorky to me” Richard spoke as he adjusted his glasses catching a glimpse of Peter “Oh no, not for me.” (M/N) spoke, his voice only proving just how smitten he was over the other. “Isn’t that just wonderful, young love I say. You two could get married and have bus babies. I’ll let him know” Richard spoke as he stood up clearing wanting to make his way towards Peter only to be pulled back in by (M/N).

“No! I’m not ready to tell him! I’m not even sure if he knows me well or if he likes me back” (M/N) spoke clearly worried and slightly embarrassed. “This generation…you have to tell him you love him! We’re almost at your destination” Richard spoke as he adjusted himself back into the seat. “I know…I just- I need more time” (M/N) replied shyly as he rubbed his arm, Richard on the other hand had a look that he had a plan as he quickly nodded, “well if it’s time you need. We got you covered. Oh bus driver next stop, please!”

Peter glanced through the mirror as he heard the familiar stop bell ring as he raised a brow “The next stops a pasta shop, what happened to bingo?” Peter asked as he began to slow the bus down so they could reach the right stop. “Well what do you expect me’ missus to cook when I get home after bingo?” As Peter nodded taking that into consideration as he stopped the bus, opening the doors up for the older man. As he saw Richard go up to the sliding doors and staring at the shop before turning back around and into the bus “I forgot, I don’t have a missus” The man spoke as he went back to his spot next to (M/N). Peter rolling his eyes as he shut the doors shut once again and went back to driving towards the museum.

Only for a few minute second for the stop bell to ring again as Peter raised a brow yet again looking at the next stop. “The next stop is a dealership!” Peter spoke as he slowed the bus down again and as before Richard was to speak again “Well you expect me to show up to Bingo empty handed in a crummy bus?” Peter only shaking his head at the reply as he stopped the bus again, opening the doors once again as Richard made hos way towards them again…and once more not getting off and going back to his seat “I forgot I don’t know how to drive!” Peter just about had enough as he muttered out a soft curse from under his breath shutting the doors back up as he drove once again but not before scolding the passengers, “Passangers should only ding the bell if they intend to get off! Is that clear?”

“Tell him you love him!” Richard murmured to (M/N) as (M/N)’s eyes widned a sense of warmness coating his cheeks as he shook his head “No!” (M/N) practically yelled as Peter furrowed his brows “What do you mean no?” – “I mean yes! We understand!” 

The ride went by smoothly only for 3 seconds later for the same bell ringing again as he let out a frustrated groan “The next stop is a junkyard!” Peter expressed his patience slipping everytime he spoke. “I need to throw some things away!” Richard’s voice boomed as the bus instead of slowly stopping made a harsh stop as the doors opened “Theres the junkyard, get out and throw your junk away” Peter spoke as he stared at the older man and again Richard made his way to the doors only to turn back around “I didn’t bring any of it with me” 

“That is it! We are not making any more stops until the museum and than you could ALL get off!” Peter spoke frustrated as he shut the doors and started up the bus, speeding his way through the road. “You need to tell him now, honey. You’re almost out of time” Richard spoke to (M/N) as he saw the man hesitate shaking his head in confirmation he wasn’t going to. “Where’s Marmalade…” Gladys whispered in front of them which went unheard as (M/N) and Richard spoke. “I’ll just do it tomorrow” (M/N) spoke to Richard as he shook his head. “Oh no deary, Todays so much better than tomorrow.” – “Marmalade??” 

“Bus Stopping! There, Museum, now all of you out!” Peter spoke as the doors came open only for Gladys to speak up again “Where’s Marmalade?” (M/N) raising a brow as he looked at Richard “Who’s Marmalade?” – “Gladys pet tarantula” Richard replied as all 3 of the passengers looked at Peter who had a huge tarantula crawling in his shoulder as Peter screamed out trying to get it off, getting up and trying to shake it off him.

“There you are, Marmalade”

“Get it off!!” Peter screamed as he walked backwards only to fall off the bus and onto the pavement of the crosswalk. (M/N) watching the scene unfold as he stood up in concern as he shouted at Peter from the window “It’s right there!! Suck the poison out!!” As he was caught up on the scene from outside before his attention was drawn to the bus starting up as he turned to Richard who was looking at the scene from the window as well “Who’s driving?” 

“Gladys is driving”

“Oh okay…”

“GLADYS IS DRIVING?!” (M/N) shouted as his eyes widned turning to the front of the bus as he saw the shorter older women drive recklessly as he saw Peter follow right after shouting after the bus “Hey thats my bus!!” could be heard from outside as (M/N) turned to Richard. “DO SOMETHING!!” he spoke panicked as he saw the older man lie down “time for a grandad nap…” – “Richard!!”

(M/N) made his way towards the front of the bus as he slowly brought Glady away from the steering wheel, trying to lift her up “Cmon honey…give me the wheel” (M/N) spoke panicked and softly as he pried the women away only for the steering wheel to come off as he took it in his hands, Peter chasing them from behind yelling at (M/N) “Push the brakes!” as (M/N) scrambled with it trying to push the brakes only for them to not work “They don’t work!!” he screamed back “Pop the wheel back in place!!” Peter screamed as (M/N) quickly popped the steering wheel back into place as Peter threw himself at the open doors, stumbling into the floor of the bus as he groaned but quickly got up as he put a hand on the side of the drivers seat where (M/N) was sitting.

(M/N) took note of just how close Peter really was as he blushed softly, what a great time to be so close to your crush as (M/N) occasionally glanced at him “Hi…” he finally spoke as his voice “Hey” Peter replied back as he looked at (M/N) “How’s your day going?” The two exchanged a look as Peter finally spoke up “Pretty slow day.”

“Tell him!”

“Richard!”

“Tell me what?” Peter smirked as he looked at the slight redness in (M/N)’s face as he leaned in only slightly. “Nothing! I’ll uhm…tell you tomorrow.” (M/N) replied as he tried to take control over the steering wheel “Well there isn’t going to be a tomorrow! We’re going to hit that custard factory!!” Peter shouted as pointed straight ahead. The two exhanging a look as Peter grabbed the two older people in the back as they shouted in surprise before he leaped out the bus (M/N) following from behind. All 4 of them hitting the pavement below as Richard and Gladys laid on the ground groaning in the background a large crash sound most likely the bus hitting the factory as Peter and (M/N) landed besides each other the two relived that they didn’t die their hearts racing.

“We’re alive…” (M/N) spoke in disbelief as he panted. “I can’t believe it…” Peter murmured as he tried to breath. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you! I keep putting it off for tomorrow but now…i think i’m going to tell you” (M/N) spoke out of breath as he smiled, the adrenaline rush clearly getting to him “I want to get married and have your bus babies!” Peter looked up at the sky as he tried to process what he had just been told. “Oh.

“Richard, i did it! I told him!” (M/N) spoke as he walked up to the older man who was helping Gladys up from the ground “Oh i told you, son. Now go on and have your bus babies.” Richard laughed softly as he shooed (M/N) away. “Oh no. He’s already married to a giraffe.” 

And just like that (M/N) stood in the middle of the living room of his and husband’s shared home. Two children standing in front of him pretending to be old people. Their older son, Jose and their youngest daughter, Amelia dressed up and hunched over as if wanting to give the illusion they were much older than what they really were as the two faced their dad. “What?” Jose spoke imitating an older mans voice “We’ll see about that! C’mon Gladys!” Jose’s voice echoed in the room as he grabbed his little sisters hand and ran up to tackle Peter, rough housing with the man. A wide smile on (M/N)’s face as he saw their kids mess around with his husband who was getting ‘kissing’ a huge plush giraffe before getting tackled down by their son, his playful scream echoing in the room as he looked at (M/N) for ‘help’. “Babe!!” – “Kids!” 

╚⏤⏤⏤╗❀╔⏤⏤⏤╝

[wylanzahn]

New-ish post, kinda posting this on different platforms and getting a general vibe check for some ideas I have. But basically this Halloween I want to actually do something for the TTRPG and Actualplay world (oh yeah I’m into those kinds of things). I want to try and get both players, GMs, and casual viewers alike something fun to look forward to this especially spooky season. I’ll probably talk a little more when we get closer to the actual season of scare-giving but just know that if you’re interested I’m still looking for people to join in!!

As my team and I’d first debut we’re going to try and do a two to four session actual play, which will probably be released in the weeks leading up to Halloween. We’ve had a couple good friend way in on the matter of “setting” but now I come to you fine folk. Mind you this is a horror campaign/arc so if…

Isn’t your thing, keep on a moving.

But without further ado here are a couple of the possible settings for our players, and myself, this coming espookee season…

1.) Somewhere off the coast of Florida, 1926 end of the first major housing boom in the state, a small island which calls back to the Spanish Empire, is Isla Boñyela, a small port made tourist location during the boom of disposable wealth in 1920s America. A small group of friends from the northeast tag along down for the perfect paradise vacation. Only to discover the island is much much older than anyone could have ever assumed. Whilst dealing with upstart gangsters, unnerving US soldiers, and the terrified locals they find something older than even undead conquistadors.

While I don’t have a working title, this is an old project in the running which I’ve had a few attempts at revamping over time. Its previous title was “perfect paradise vacation,” and runs on the Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition game. Anywho it’s a blast of fun with Caribbean lore, tone of anti-imperialism, and something dark lurking beneath the waves.

2.) 1950’s America, the nonexistent state of Mid-Atlantia (DMV coded) in a small suburban neighborhood where nothing goes wrong… it’s almost “All-Hallows-Eve” and little Johnny and Susie want nothing more than to trick or treat this year with all the big kids, Dad’s finally getting the big promotion at work, and Mom just got a new waffle iron! Sure everything is neat here in America. Heck you just got new neighbors! Newlyweds in fact from somewhere big and fancy, they sure aren’t like any of us in our simple town. But… and you can’t say exactly why but things are different. Or perhaps they’re all too the same? Everyday a repeat of ever other bland day that followed you over and over and over and over… and you could swear, while no one may listen to you there’s someone out there. Stalking you from outside your own home- or- perhaps, he’s just your friendly new neighbor welcoming you… to the end.

Ahhhhhh! I’ve also been working on this one for a sec and god writing it out does excite me. This is also a Call of Cthulhu game but modified/homebrewed to have a uniquely 1950s horror feel. This is definitely one of the more unique games I’ve written and am truly interested in seeing where it goes (even if we don’t choose it). This is for those who feel like isolation, fear of the unknown, fear from within, and liminal space horror comes best into play! So whadya say neighbor?

3.) The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend, or How I Learned to Love Strahd, okay so this one is a lot less horror-y and falls much more under the comedic spooky category, just so yall know. Deep in the middle of Barovia, the ancient kingdom of Vampires, meets a council of Count Strahd von Zarovich's greatest commanders and lieutenants to hunt down Strahd's greatest enemy Rudolph van Richten and his party of heroes known as "The Grape-Smashers." Strahd's lieutenants have been gifted powers greater than any mere mortals, but are these gifts enough to stop Van Richten, or even enough to stop the personal ambitions of each other? Come find out in "How I Learned to Love Strahd."

Okay, as much as this may seem like a joke suggestion it cracks me up and I feel like it would be ill-advised of me to not at least mention it. In an era where "The Curse of Strahd," is well-overdone at this point, it's worth a take from an all evil "revenge story." Obviously this will be in Dungeons and Dragons 5th Edition, which, in my opinion, is really hard to use for horror, but this is a nice go-around. Come for the evil PCs, maybe a PvP battle or two, and a game of intrigue in the shadows of Barovia! All that and a buff Van Richten.

4.) Before Annapolis was ever called such it was known as Providence, a settlement of exiled Puritans in the Province of Maryland, but these early days were no easy set-up for the far-flung protestants... in the mid 1600s the English Civil War spilled out into their holdings across the waves as brother turned on brother, clan erasing clan, and something from the shores of the Old World would arrive in the New. When around every corner could be someone you've known your whole life, what's stopping them from hunting you in the depths of winter. All matters made worse when rumors of a witch begins circulating your small home.

Think "The VVitch" (2015) meets "A Field in England" (2013) meets Atun Shei's recent film "The Sudsbury Devil" (2023). It is the unexplored wilderness of early colonial Maryland, but the hateful warmongering that slowly builds that makes the horror and tension so clear. Unsure of what system we'll be using, but maybe the new Regency Cthulhu system.

5.) The Great Baltimore Fire of 1904 destroyed some 140 Acres of Baltimore proper... and in it's rubble awakened something far worse. But you and your fellow survivors are just trying to get by in the aftermath of the fire... only for something to call out, whether some strange magicks or perhaps just a sickness... but sickness doesn't even linger like this... it doesn't call to you...

Some more local history, aspiring from the actual Fire of 1904 things quickly devolve from there as rumors of a cult begin to spread along the streets of Rosland Park... a mysterious illness leaving even more dead... and the death of an eclectic professor. Definitely using the Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition for this one.

Aaaaaaaand that's it! Let me know what y'all think!

[cy-cyborg]

I am SO close to finishing Baldur's Gate 3... I think, I've been saying that for the past 20 hours lol, but I really want to gush about Karlach! Once I've actually finished the game I'll probably make a proper post talking about her in a more structured way from a disability standpoint but I just really want to talk about her now lol.

[ID: A gif of Karlach from Baldur's Gate 3, a tall woman with red skin, one black horn, black hair and glowing orange eyes. She is covered in scars and tattoos, her chest glows and she is dancing on the spot in front of a cluttered tent./end ID]

I did not know how much my inner child needed to see someone like her on screen. Strange thing to say about a character from a game that's intro features worms crawling into your eye in hell but its true.

I have massive burn-like scars all over my my lower body, especially my legs, and while I always (mostly) saw the amputations they came with as just a part of me, I had much more negative feelings about those scars, well into my young adulthood, but especially as a teenager. It wasn't helped by the fact that while most folks had the decency to keep their comments about my visible disability... neutral-ish, the comments about my scars ranged from "you should cover those up" to "that's discusting" and young children literally crying at the sight of them. On top of that, every time a character with scars like mine was in the media, they were either the villain, used to teach others a lesson about not being mean or to teach that chatacter a lesson about how beauty is on the inside or how to love their appearance despite thier scars (that they'll be sure to tell you they think are hideous).

But karlach isn't any of those things. She's confident and literally walks around armour that show her scars by default. No one calls her gross or tells her to cover them. Her scars are never brought up as a negative at all, at least that ive seen, they're never something that detracts from her appearance. She never tries to hide them or gets insecure about them. When you romance her, there's no comment about if you're sure you can find "someone with scars like hers" attractive. Characters in the game dont find her attractive in spite of them, they just find her attractive. Full stop. They're just, there. And what's more, the fandom, for the most part, seems to agree. I have seen so many people swooning over her, and they almost never bring the scars up. People don't care, they just think she's hot! (There will always be outliers of course but they seem few and far between in my circles at least lol).

And my God, it's SO refreshing! Don't get me wrong, it's not inherently bad to have chatacters be insecure about things like scars (Wyll has a few moments of insecurity around his, and I think it's done well) but it's so nice for it to not be the central focus for once, or even really a big at all. Especially for a woman character.

I was so convinced as a teenager that no one would find me attractive because of those scars. Scars like Karlach's. I'm older now, I have worked through it all, and any lingering insecurities I had on the subject were shut down when me and my partner got together. But 15/16 year old me desperately needed to see a chatacter like Karlach, and im so happy she exists now!

[mercysought]

❝ You can’t trust me, I know that. ❞ / em for asharen. sorry asharen

In a den of scorpions, the frog would do well to remember the lesson that the many just like it. The lessons of those who now could be mistaken for rocks, permanently resting at the bottom of a stream.

Asharen holds her shawl tighter against her body - worn and fraying at the edges it was older than herself by many decades. Its colour had been washed away by the years of use and love, all the hands and bodies that had touched it. It keeps her protected; even now, even in the darkest sections of the fade, it was impossible to truly let the deep cold in. And that's what she felt there: looking at him.

A cold hand of pity wrapping around her heart and twisting her lips downwards as she leans heavily on her staff. It was hard to make sense of the feeling but she knew how to put it better into words than she would truly like to admit. She would have preferred not lend credence to the meaning she pulled from the way that he looked at her; or how he looked even at Alanari. Like they were... deformed, malformed things that were in need to fixing. And yes, yes it was only pity and a cold, distant sort of rage that simmered in the bottom of her lungs as if she was drowning.

That he, and these other folks, could not see them for what they were: not shadows but brilliant, vibrant beings that had become them, fully fulfilled beings despite their actions and their history. How sad it made her feel - to look at him and to the small group of elves that had found maybe companionship, family even and feel a pang of envy and yet know they could not see her.

They would only ever see a shadow. Broken. In need of saving. For them there would always only be this war, their mistakes and everything else would either be motive or unfortunate collateral damage.

Pity was an awful feeling, but it had its place, even if it came with a dose of shame and embarrassment. Asharen closes her eyes, allowing herself a hum that thrummed at her chest, the shards of flag, hanging from her staff, followed in tone, the soft lilac of the sun splintered across the small ruins painting the most beautiful stars upon the stone.

They were all old enough to make decisions for themselves, but they would not be allowed to make those decisions for her. Never for her.

How she wished things were different.

   "I never gave up." she says simply, looking not to him but to the way that the setting sun rippled on the nearby pond. How warm the sun felt on her skin. She doesn't reply to what he said, not directly, for there was nothing that she could offer him, nothing that would not leave a bitter taste in her mouth, in his too. She was keenly aware of the many things she did not know, especially when it meant on how it impacted others.

Even when they rightfully might deserve her anger. Light eyes finally lift towards him, the brows push down the orange, thin, light wash of Mythal's vallas'lin "I don't trust you, Emithas, I don't think you'll ever give me the space to, but..."

She didn't have to. Sometimes love is not enough, but sometimes it is what propels you forward. While Emithas saw salvation, hope, in the tearing of the veil, Asharen had seen it here.

Here and in the spirits of the fade that she had met, that had kept her safe as she traveled and explored. Here in the tangerine trees around the latest camp that her Clan had stopped by, in the sheer amazement she had felt when she first visited Nevarra.

To be welcomed in so many places with people that had only heard awful stories about the dalish and to still be welcomed with a warmer hand and understanding, empathy than what she often felt from them "I would never turn my back on the promise I made Alanari. I am still looking for a way to subdue it, I never stopped."

the banner saga part 1 // @weptfreedom // accepting

[mueritos]

Hey. Idk if this is me growing up or just being disillusioned with inter celebs etc. Im a 23 yr old trans man so I grew up and was inspired by chella on the YouTube community. But now I just…don’t like chella man anymore. I feel like…he became an industry plant? Over the pandemic asking fans for money to send to him directly to help others and not showing where the money was going exactly incident as well as just becoming older I noticed he seemed to almost want to become the next Keith haring or basquiat? He almost…now seems very fake? He takes deals with brands to be representation but doesn’t do much to call out certain brands for their faults etc.

Idk anymore

I give Chella credit in that he was one of the few transmen that I looked up while I was young, especially with him being BIPOC. Showing him to my family helped them understand me. But that's where the inspiration kinda stops, because it was painful to be surrounded by years-in-transition trans men online when I was absolutely nowhere I wanted to be. That was a me problem tho. But I also didn't know much about his whole donation incident.

Ig heres what I have to say. It's not great to view other people as your justification of your morals. We don't know how people have had to live or how they live now, we don't know what decisions they have to make, and we dont know what kind of fears or goals they have. Chella is allowed to do whatever he wants with his art or his modelling career, just like how I genuinely believe anyone else in the world is capable of making the right decisions for themselves (even if we dont like those decisions!). Im not really concerned with figuring out if hes an industry plant or a "class traitor" (lol) or even if he's "fake". To be honest, I'm all for BIPOC folks getting their $. Does that mean I enjoy seeing wealthy BIPOC folk perpetuate classism and racism? No. Just cuz someone is succeeding for themselves doesn't mean people cant critique them. I guess what Im saying is I see waaay too many people online take the things they enjoy and the people they follow as projections of their morals: "no! stop [Insert celebrity name] you're being problematic and its makes us fans look bad!" Like....Okay lmfao. People are grown adults and are going to make decisions for themselves. Just because you might enjoy a celebrity does not mean your morals are based on how good of a person they are.

and youre allowed to not like the same things anymore just like how people are allowed to change, for better or for worse. I think within online communities there is way too much pressure on "looking" like a good person versus actually being one...because sometimes BEING a good person makes you look absolutely vile in terms of online spaces/communities love of isolating, removing, and deleting "problematic" (and vulnerable) people from their spaces with no trial, discussion, or attempt at conflict mediation. Yea yea I do think people have every right to be criticized just as they have every right to make whatever decision they want, but what Im trying to get at is to really stop viewing anyone with a platform as someone you can other once they dont meet your standards. This is not the same as denouncing or critiquing someone for really egregious behavior (white supremacy, harrassment, bullying, interpersonal violence). Once you kinda start living by your own morals without needing other people's actions/behaviors to justify/define them, you learn to focus on building connections rather than destroying them.

again, this is a much nuanced topic and you prolly werent expecting me to go into this. but ive grown over the years and have engaged in some nasty and vile mob mentality behavior that i just dont vibe with anymore. im not really the kind of person now to speculate online or publicly what other people are doing or should be doing or whether theyre problematic or not. I don't really care about Chella man or most celebrities rn. People r just gonna be people, and I will always have empathy for those of marginalized identities. Free will, autonomy, and self determination goes both ways, but so does accountability, transformative justice, and reconciliation.

but also like kill ur idols lol

[warblingmoss]

i am probably not the only one who cant stop thinking about what this election means, for both myself, my loved ones and my wider community.

at the forefront of my thoughts currently is just how much the suicide rates are about to skyrocket. as someone who has struggled immensely with ideation, past and present, it's scary. the temptation is there, especially because it seems so hopeless. but it's not! and it never will be, as long as im still alive to carry that hope with me.

because i also cannot stop thinking about this: i am a young queer person. but i am not the youngest queer person there is. queer people are going to continue to exist, no matter what policies are enacted and hate crimes are committed and swept under the rug. queer people have existed throughout all of history, whether celebrated or shunned.

and as a young queer person who has not met very many older queer people, i am painfully aware of how much it hurts to not see people like me who made it. the oldest queer person i know personally isnt even in their forties. and not seeing people like me who made it is so, so daunting. it is a drain on hope and motivation to continue pushing foreward even when it's hard.

but if i keep going, if i fight to live on and for my right to exist, then maybe someday i can be an old queer person that young queer folk can look at and go wow. we can make it.

so even though its scary, even though its going to be hard and it is going to hurt and it is going to be exhausting, even if all i do is keep living and nothing else, if i can be living proof that people like me can make it? i think thats damn good enough to keep going.

the path foreward feels like its going to be lined with shards of glass, but god damn it i am going to keep walking

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2014 Yesterday we had the time of our lives, even if today we’re paying for it with the sunburn from hell. Despite using waterproof sunscreen, neither of us can worry about a lack of vitamin D, that’s for sure!

I’m having so much fun and loving this climate so much that I don’t want to go home. I miss my bed, my rats and my stuff, but I don’t want to go home to have to go back to work, clean the house, and deal with a million doctor appointments.

I love that there are hardly any blacks here. I don’t think I’ve even heard anyone speaking Spanish. Crime is barely existent here without these degenerate scumbags everyone seems to worship, especially in the West and the Southeast.

We drove to a parking lot for Trilogy catamaran sailing tours, which normally cost $200 per person, and then walked a few blocks to the harbor where tons of boats for different companies were docked. There were tons of touristy shops along the way and an area with trees where I never heard so many birds at once. There had to be hundreds of them! They were in a huge tree given to Lahaina as a gift from Japan.

There were two catamarans, each able to hold 55 people, and each shorter than our house. Captain Jill, a deeply tanned blond, navigated the boat across to another island whose name I already forgot (Oahu?). There were 3 other crew members, two women, also blond and tanned, and a guy.

I thought it ridiculous that one of the passengers brought an infant onboard of all things. Wouldn’t it have been terrified? Well, if it was wailing its ass off I wouldn’t know it over the boat’s engine, the wind, and the fact that I wasn’t sitting near it. Overall there doesn’t seem to be many kids here. A reflection of the falling birthrate? Or maybe it’s cuz people without kids can barely afford such an expensive place let alone with them.

Anyway, it was a little warm in the direct sunlight, but once we got sailing full speed, the breeze was wonderful. They would stop every time someone would spot a whale and people would take pics like crazy. I hated it when people would get in the way and there was this one guy I practically wanted to pitch overboard, but hopefully when I check out the pics when we get home I will find I got some decent whale shots. It was hard to see what I was shooting at, so I would just point and shoot like crazy and hope for the best.

There was this area in front where you could sit on these thick nets and see straight down to the water, but we were content to just sit on the bench and stand at the rails.

The first thing we were served was cinnamon rolls, then assorted fruits like watermelon, honeydew melon and pineapple. The last thing we were served was wraps. There was tuna, chicken and turkey. Naturally, Tom hated everything but the cinnamon roll.

The people were young and old but mostly older folks. Some were thin and hot, others fat frumps like me. Gotta hand it to those with bellies bulging worse than mine who had the guts to wear bikinis. Some were as pale as I am, but most were tanned. Well, I’m a mix of white and lobster red right now, LOL.

We’ve had sunny weather most of the time, but they’re predicting rain for the weekend. That’s okay, we’ve had our share of sunshine, and submarines go underwater anyway.

According to the boat crew, the deepest waters we sailed over were 350 feet deep, and whales can go as shallow as 60 feet or less. Once the catamaran docked at the island, we were greeted with a shell necklace similar to the ones the hotel gave us, and then we took a long hot walk down to the beach. Diving into that ocean felt so damn good as hot as I was once they finally finished their safety speech and all that stuff.

Then came the best part of the trip – snorkeling! You know how I said this resort and the area is just like I’ve seen in pictures? Well, so was what I saw underwater! Now it’s the same people overseeing all the activities, mind you. The catamaran crew also takes you snorkeling or on a tour of the city, if that’s what you prefer instead, and they also cook your dinner. What a job, huh? Sailing, sunning, snorkeling and cooking all day long.

So one of the girls got me fitted in a thing you wrap around your waist that keeps you afloat, and my goggles, after she sprayed something in them to keep them from fogging up. They had prescription goggles, but since I’m still farsighted enough, I was okay with regular ones. She walked me out past the breakers (as I’ve learned, you can’t just walk into the ocean here anytime you want if you don’t want to get knocked down, and must go between swells) and once I was up to my chest in the water I put my flippers on.

Tom’s camera can go underwater, and he shot some pics and videos. He wishes he got the nicer camera for $200. We just didn’t think we’d use it enough.

So off I went and at first I was like, why is this so impressive to most people? There’s nothing to see but sand… then there they were! Clumps of coral and the most beautiful tropical fish of all kinds and colors! It was almost like swimming through a giant aquarium! I couldn’t help but think, from poverty to this?!?! Wow! We went out to where we were in 20-30 feet of water and words can’t describe just how spectacular it was!

After that and some regular swimming, we passed up the walk to the tide pool and just hung out till it was time for the barbecue. I was so pissed that I didn’t bring my other sandals since my new ones caused my feet to blister a bit, and putting on socks and sneakers is a bitch even after you’ve used the freshwater shower to get the sand off of you. Being humungous didn’t help either. I am utterly appalled and disgusted by how big I’ve gotten and how it’s hindering my mobility. I’m sick of it. I vowed to myself that if I can’t get the fucking weight off the healthy way once they’ve tweaked my new medication, then the unhealthy way it is! Gotta wonder, though, would I have gotten this fat if my thyroid hadn’t crapped out on me?

At one point I was about 6” too close to the shore when a wave had just begun to curl and smacked me real hard in the chest. That’s what I get for not paying attention.

The only annoyances at the beach were the same landscapers I have to deal with nearly every day at home blowing the grassy areas and walkways, and someone jackhammering in one of the buildings up at the summit of one of the hillsides surrounding the bay.

After a few hours of beach time, we walked back down the road to the pavilion where our boat was docked and gathered at picnic tables. A blond version of Marsha Gay Harding sat across from us as we were served a meal I wasn’t very impressed with at all. First up was a roll and salad. I didn’t eat all the salad, wanting to save room for dinner, but had I known it would be these boring noodles and veggies with peas, plus chicken marinated in something really weird tasting, I would’ve finished the damn salad like Marsha was smart enough to do. I was surprised Tom ate some of the chicken, but at that point, he was too hungry to care. So I drank down my grapefruit juice and then we waited on the grassy cliff while the crew bussed the tables.

Over the time we sailed back, I had pineapple juice, ice cream, and a white wine that tasted more like beer. Of course Tom laughed at that one and said I was crazy.

The wind tossed my pink sequined hat off onto the deck toward the end of the trip, but fortunately, I caught it before it could join the whales.

They unfurled the sails on the way back, but not for long since there wasn’t much wind. What wind there was felt so good, though coming back was a little chillier as the sun began to set. By the time we pulled into the harbor and Captain Jill docked our boat, the sun had just dipped below the island.

Later…

Was out on the patio whale watching earlier. The island may have many birds, but it sure doesn’t have as many bugs as you’d think it would have.

Also, I’m amazed at just how often people seem to be in their rooms here. Yes, they’re expensive but don’t they too, want to be off doing things? Every time we’re in our room, so are they. Or so it seems.

We were out all day yesterday and most of today. Sleeping hasn’t been too difficult, but I’m so drained from the sun and all the activity that I need to sleep forever. Plus I wake up a lot along the way, so I’m in bed a total of 10 hours some days. I’ll probably sleep for 12 once we get home. My schedule’s been okay so far, but the next few days will get harder. Monday actually may be hell on me, but we leave that day so being shorted one day won’t kill me. I always wished I were one of those who only needed 6 or 7 hours of sleep or less, but (shrugs) I am how I am, sleep-needy and all. Meanwhile, it’s early evening now and I really hope they stop banging by the time I’m ready to crash in an hour or two.

Until I do crash, let me cover today’s fun so I don’t get behind. We went to Lulu’s again and I got the steak, eggs and hash browns I liked a lot the last time and Tom got a ham and cheese omelet.

After breakfast, I bought stamps and mailed my postcards to Tammy, Andy, Paula, Eileen and my Italian Dad, and then we went to a mall with a dozen or so fun shops. Pricy, but nice. The boutiques had the things Hawaii’s famous for on their clothes, magnets and other things – plumeria and hibiscus flowers, as well as palm trees and pineapples. We also went to a strip of stores down by the harbor.

He grabbed a blizzard and me a soda at Dairy Queen, then later on we returned to the mall where I got a heaping container of pork fried rice at a Chinese place that is actually quite good. I just wish the container wasn’t so flimsy. I have the leftovers in the fridge for later.

From all the stores we went to we gathered 3 shirts for him, a black tank for me with “Maui, Hawaii” written in bright rainbow colors, a hot pink tank with “Maui” in silvery glitter, a black tee with colorful metallic studs, a black sleeveless dress with large pink hibiscus flowers on it, a colorful cover-up, a pink skirt with colored flowers along its hem, 4 pairs of panties in pink, purple and blue, a necklace with a pink-gemmed flip-flop, a pair of floral flip-flops that are more comfortable than the other ones, a pineapple sun catcher with crystals, and 4 magnets. The magnets consist of a sunset and palms, a hula dancer, a blue-gemmed dolphin, and a female figure’s upper body in a pink bikini top. That one has a bottle opener on it. I also got a 3D bookmark of a tropical scene cuz it was just so cool looking even though I don’t read regular books anymore.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 2014 Slept both well and shitty. Woke up several times, had that lower back pain I sometimes wake up with at home, and of course Tom snores like hell. It doesn’t wake me up once I’ve fallen asleep, but trying to sleep to it isn’t easy.

The muscles in my calves are sore from climbing the sandy hills to get to the beach yesterday, but I will get to that later. I want to backtrack in order.

The rain was nice at first, especially since I live in such a deserty climate that rarely sees rain. But by the second day, I was ready for it to stop. It finally did just that in the afternoon so we could enjoy the beach and pool.

The weather, pool, beaches and the resort as a whole are absolutely gorgeous! Just like I’d see in pictures. I miss my bed and my rats, but a part of me never wants to return home either. If it weren’t so damn expensive I’d be mighty tempted to retire here someday. We decided we would definitely be back at least to visit and that we could do a comfortable trip with under 5K. Definitely want to live in Florida or some tropical climate if not Hawaii. I’m sick of cold places, dry places, and shit like that. My skin and ear love this climate. My bad ear hasn’t ached at all except for when we first arrived. That was probably due to the pressure on the plane.

They apparently searched our luggage at the airport because when we opened it there was a card saying so. Doesn’t look like they stole anything, but as Tom said, if they were going to take anything, why leave us a note?

The Wi-Fi is out now and the connection is slower than hell. That’s partly because we don’t want to pay the $17 a day they want to give us a faster connection and partly because this laptop is ancient. We don’t use the net often enough to be worth paying for a faster connection nor do we want to. Vacations should be about having fun and not about doing what you usually do at home. The only thing I’m doing that I usually do is documenting this trip. Writing is my passion, vacation or not.

The room comes with a microwave, mini-refrigerator/freezer, coffeemaker, safe, big screen TV, iron, makeup mirror, hairdryer, mouthwash, shampoo, conditioner, soap, shower gel and other vanity items. We get robes and slippers too, but can only take the slippers home. I like them even though they’re not plush. Our housekeeper is a lady from the Philippines and she’s only in once a day instead of the annoying 2 or 3 times a day the guy tended to us on the ship.

Yesterday morning we went to a restaurant called Lulu’s for breakfast. Their prices were comparable to Denny’s. It was nice that Tom could get something he liked since he hated almost everything they served on the plane. I got steak and eggs with hash browns and it was damn good.

We have a private patio with a 10-foot stretch of grass beyond it with a rocky cliff that drops off and down to the ocean. The water’s about 10-15 feet below us. Wish the chain link fence with the flower hedges wasn’t obstructing some of the view, but overall it’s a damn good view. We’ve seen whales here and there, too. I didn’t know they came here. I thought they stuck to colder areas up north, but they come here to breed.

After Lulu’s, we picked up some snacks and TV dinners from Safeway to take back to the room. That way we don’t have to pay their outrageous room service fees. They want 11 bucks just for a lousy bowl of cereal.

The rest of the day was spent at our leisure. We walked around the resort taking pics and we swam in both the ocean and pool.

I can’t believe how warm the ocean is, though it wasn’t like bathwater. The waves and undertow are certainly much fiercer than I remember the beach in Connecticut to be. A 3-foot wave knocked Tom off his feet a couple of times. We were laughing so hard! Even a lady who sat on the beach watching us laughed, too. The fact that they could knock a 250-pound man off his feet oughta prove how forceful they are, and those waves are supposedly nothing for Hawaii.

Once you get about 20 feet from shore you’re not in danger of being knocked over. I wasn’t dumb enough to let myself be swept off my feet, though the undertow almost took me down a few times. Tom, on the other hand, dove right into a big wave. I thought he lost our underwater camera at first, but he had it secured around his wrist. I used to sometimes sit where the waves break in Connecticut, but here they would go crashing over my head and sweep me away. It didn’t smell as salty as Connecticut but it tasted it and stung my eyes a bit.

It’s amazing how loud the waves crash upon the shore, almost like a big bang of thunder. It’s weird how some of the shorelines have no beaches too, but just a rocky area instead. Some people were paddling while standing on surfboards and from a distance, it looked like people were sweeping the ocean.

After a taste of the Pacific Ocean (I wouldn’t dare go in the water in SoCal in the 90s in April cuz it was too cold), it was off to sample their gorgeous pool. It was sort of round and normal looking in some spots, but in other parts, there were narrow canals that went under bridges and was really cool. There were waterfalls and slides in some sections and the water looked so incredibly blue. That was because of the color the pool was painted, but it still looked way cool.

There’s also a pond with huge goldfish in it winding through the area.

Then we returned our pool/beach towels and went back to the room where we lazed around for the rest of the day. It sucks that my new sandals gave me blisters, but you can walk around here barefoot, even though the pool and beach area is a ways away. For most other things you want to wear some type of rubber-soled shoes. We checked the ‘What to Bring’ section of the catamaran tours website. It’s an all-day thing filled with fun, food and drink. It takes an hour and a half to sail each way. We’re leaving for that in a few minutes and won’t be back till around 6pm.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2014 We’re in the midst of day 2 of our trip. We’re both loving it despite the few glitches we’ve encountered. Let me pick up from where I left off.

Using tongs, the flight attendant passed out hot wet washcloths for us to wash up with in the end, and once our plane finally began to descend it was more than obvious. It was almost like freefalling through the air. My ear began popping like crazy again. And then there it was. Hawaii as green as Cali is brown! I was practically squealing with delight!

Next thing I know ribbons of water are flying across the window. When we landed I almost felt like I was going to get tossed out of my seat. Upon arrival, it was rainy and humid, but the humidity didn’t feel stifling or oppressive in any way. In fact, in just one day my skin is amazingly softer.

Two native Pacific islanders held cards with a few people’s last names on them, including ours. They greeted us with leis of beautiful purple orchids and if I didn’t know any better I would think the natives were Mexican or Indian, LOL. Not everyone living here is a native, though. Some look like they could be from just about anywhere.

Then we caught a shuttle to the Hertz rental car company and through the downpour, we were given a green Ford Escape for the week.

I’ve taken tons of pics along the way and will create albums on Facebook and Photobucket once we get home.

Haha, a couple of white doves with matching white toenails are begging for some of Tom’s chips as he sits munching on the patio. We’re on the ground floor and I think this may actually be one of the $800 rooms and not $400. The one we were supposed to get was actually $500 a night unless you book by the week. Then it’s $400.

Anyway, the number of birds and the abundance of colorful flowers and tropical trees are amazing. Tons of coconut palms and banana trees. I want to return to the comfort of home, but I also want to stay here forever. The rain here is a warm pleasant rain, unlike when it rains – or at least used to rain – in the winter in Cali. The grass is so lush and green it almost seems like carpet. I love how the temperature doesn’t change much between day and night. In the winter in Cali, it’s cold at night. In the summer in Cali, it’s hot in the daytime.

“I can’t believe we’re in Hawaii,” I said to Tom once we took off in the Escape.

“Yeah, but we’re lost in Hawaii,” he said.

LOL, that was true. We did get lost for a while. Passed by some breathtaking views, but some surprisingly dumpy houses and buildings for such a fancy, expensive place.

Nonetheless, we picked up a few things at Kmart. We couldn’t find the Walmart, so we went to Kmart. I had this delicious cheesy garlic bread and Tom had a hotdog.

We picked up a couple of pink towels, one darker than the other, that say “Maui” on them. We also grabbed some sunscreen you spray on and some tuberose perfume that smells of gardenias. For souvenirs, I got a pink flip-flop magnet with multicolored gems around it, plus I got about 5 postcards.

So we arrived at the hotel at 3pm, which was check-in time. The room is nicer in person than it appeared to be online, but for this price, you would think we wouldn’t have had to wait an hour to get our toilet plunged as we did. Not a thrilling experience, though there are public restrooms scattered throughout the resort.

I got up at 3am, about a half-hour before Tom did, and found the shower to have wimpy pressure and myself glad I didn’t have long hair. Long hair would be a bitch on this type of vacation. Then I thought the coffeemaker was broken, but I just hit the wrong button was all. Their coffee sucks so I got my own. They have these 1.5-liter bottles of water and like an idiot, I opened one and got us charged 5 bucks for it. I’d have had tap water if I knew they didn’t come free with the room like the coffee and the gross orange tea I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole.

Then we found that we were unable to Skype the rats. We tried calling in a few times, but all that setting up was for nothing, which kind of sucks. I miss my ratties.

The hotel is quiet overall, but in the early mornings and evenings, they love to slam doors and whatnot. I’m worried an elephant walker may’ve checked in above us, too. I heard half a dozen bangs during my 4am shower as it was, but the sound machine and earplug I brought helped me sleep through its bangy moments.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2014 Aloha! We are now on the plane as I write this in my paper journal! I’m guessing it’s about 8am now. The flight was on time and I will type up everything I write by hand later on. Might be a few days before I get to share it online, though.

Even though the sun is shining, we are flying over a sea of clouds, which is preventing any kind of interesting view.

Yesterday we got things ready for the trip and did a lot of waiting around at home. Tom was able to stop the mail online.

We went to KFC for lunch. The food was good but the service sucked. It was also just as cold in there as it was outside.

I crashed around 4pm. When I awoke at 10pm I was like, fuck! No! But I was eventually able to return to sleep till 1:30. So my schedule worked out perfectly. Not sure about my 10 million doctor appointments waiting for me when we return home, but I don’t have to worry about that till then.

Backed my doc files up on Amazon Cloud so I can access them from Maui. I also have them on the laptop, which is going with us after all.

We loaded the rats up with tons of food and water and set the webcam up, too. We also dropped the heat to 66 degrees and turned the water to the house off.

Once we had everything fully packed, we set out for the airport at 4:50. Parked the car in the economy lot (40G), and was able to catch the shuttle right away.

So we checked in, checked the luggage, went through security, then we were shuttled to Gate 9 where we waited for about an hour. The gate next to us was a flight to L.A. and next to that was one to Tacoma.

No screaming kids on this flight, as we were one of the first to board being first class. First they board handicapped people, then those with infants. The few kids that are flying with us aren’t that young and are way back in coach, of course.

Taking off was both exciting and emotional. As some of you know, we almost didn’t get to take this trip.

At first I was like, OMG! Look how brown everything is down below! At this time it’s still usually pretty green around here, but you can actually see the drought. Miles and miles of dead and barren farmlands with a few scattered houses mixed in.

In no time we flew over a bed of clouds and were only able to catch a quick glimpse of the Pacific. It looked like the water was dead still from up in the plane. No sign of movement at all.

We’re 4 seats away from the front of the plane. Most of the people flying first class seem to be older married couples. Tom thinks I’m the youngest one. Bet I’m the only one who won the trip, too!

Right away we were served drinks; water for both of us and coffee for me.

Then they gave us our toys. Dig-e-Players with music, games, movies, etc. Tom’s watching a movie and I’m playing mahjong when I’m not writing or doing word search puzzles.

Next we were served fruit and a Danish, most of which Tom hated. I ate his fruit, except for the orange, of course. The Danish had slivers of coconut in its center, so Tom only ate around the edges, LOL. I devoured that and the strawberries, grapes, honeydew melon and pineapple.

Lastly, we were served rice and pork stuffed omelets, and of course, Tom could only stand the egg. We both ate our sweet potatoes.

My hand is getting sore since I’m not used to writing by hand. Gotta go pee off my alcoholic drink anyway. Passion Guava, I think it’s called. It doesn’t seem to have much alcohol in it seeing that I don’t even have a buzz.

Later…

I guess it’s about 11:00 Cali time now. Couple more hours to go. My only complaint, besides the fact that my ass is getting sore, is that the seats are too high for my short legs. My toes reach the floor, but I can’t place the flat of my feet on the floor.

I also wish the table was a little closer to my body.

I see nothing but sky, clouds, and a little bit of sea right now.

I hope I can read my own handwriting when I go to digitize these words. When we hit turbulence it’s very hard to write legibly.

Our final alcoholic beverage will be served soon and that will be a Mai Tai. That’s a fruity drink mixed with rum.

Here we go! We’re dropping now so we must be getting closer! Oh, how my good ear pops up a storm.

Wish they had one of those flight navigators that shows the plane’s exact location, but to my surprise, they don’t.

I’m so, so glad, even though it would’ve been great meeting Nane, that we didn’t go to Italy after all. Sitting on a plane for 5 hours and 45 minutes is long enough! I won’t even get into how rough it would’ve been on my schedule. This way we get to fly straight through with no layovers.

Later…

Okay, just under 90 minutes to go now, so no, we probably aren’t dropping yet like I thought.

They served a snack of island trail mix with pineapple, macadamia nuts and honey-roasted sesame sticks.

Also, the second alcoholic drink I had definitely contained more alcohol, haha.

The plane seemed chilly when we first boarded it but now I’m a bit warm. The sun has been on my side all along. My cheeks feel flushed, but that’s probably more from my drink than the warmth.

There are 4 flight attendants; 2 women, 2 men. One of the guys stands at the head of our first-class section whenever the pilots get up to take a leak.

We had to fill out these forms, as mandated by the state of Hawaii, saying we’re not bringing any plants with us.

Later…

It’s now 10:20 local time and she says we’re going to begin our descent any minute now. Good. I’m getting tired of sitting on this plane as fun as it’s been so far. They really need to make planes for short people. I couldn’t even reach the fan overhead.

Again, I’m really glad we didn’t go to Italy as originally planned. I couldn’t even sleep on this thing if I wanted to. The wall of the plane is too far away to lean on and there’s nothing to lean against in the other direction either. The headrests bend inward at the sides to sort of cushion your neck, but when you’re this short it’s more like your cheeks.

Unless something exciting happens before we land, I guess this is it till we’re officially on Hawaiian soil!

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2014 We’re now about 25 hours from leaving the house and 27 from taking off! Since I’ll be sitting on a plane for over 5 hours, I want to wait and save most of my writing for then. I will have my rainbow journal with me.

I will say that my dear hubby surprised me with a nice new lightweight purple hairdryer, something I’ve been thinking of getting. I don’t blow dry my hair that often, but it will be nice having a modern dryer with special attachments for straightening, as opposed to his 50-year-old big clunky brown dryer.

Much of the day will be spent in preparation for the trip, though many things can’t be done till right before we go to leave the house. Things like dumping the trash, running a final load of dishes, stocking the rats up on food and water. They will have 3 water bottles and enough food to last them a month.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 2014 Just two more days to go and then I can enjoy what will hopefully be a fun, hassle-free, stress-free vacation without wondering when God’s gonna throw us to the wolves again and into poverty and even possible homelessness. Without wondering if I’m going to need surgery that could set us back a lot more than a bunch of pills could possibly set us back. Without trying to decide if I should make one more attempt to lose weight once my blood tests start coming back with positive results, or if I should just keep the 25 extra pounds. I still might not be able to lose it because I’m still older, after all. If I did, it would take a long time but one definitely has a better chance of getting results from diet and exercise when they’ve fixed thyroids that have completely crapped out on them.

Tom and I are both surprised. We figured it had to be somewhat off. That was obvious by how much I’d diet and exercise and how little weight I’d lose from it. But we didn’t think it’d be this bad. TSH 32.40 is pretty darn extreme.

Anyway, today I’ll do more “combing.” Going through every drawer and closet to make sure I don’t forget to take anything we need or may at least want to have on the trip. The laptop is undergoing serious surgery and will probably go with us after all, but not on the plane. Meaning, not with us in our seats. I’ll write in my paper journal along the way. The laptop will be cushioned between our clothes in the biggest suitcase we’re taking. We’re stripping the laptop and reloading my pics, audio, docs and a word processor. I have to be careful if I go online with it cuz it’s a Windows computer and so it’s more dangerous than a Mac. I know that’s hard for a lot of people to accept and believe. Hey, even I fought going Mac for a while till I got fed up with all the fucking viruses, and even I miss Windows at times. Once you get used to using a Mac you see it really isn’t that much different than Windows. Instead of an X at the right-hand corner of the screen, you close things by clicking a red dot to the left. It’s worth the safety.

So along with my dangerous Windows laptop, I’m combing through closets, drawers, bathroom cabinets, etc. For now, though, this brand-new pill junkie has to go eat now and take her slew of vitamins. Yeah, I hate not being able to have my coffee as soon as I get up. Gotta wait a half hour.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 2014 We just went over our itinerary. We’ll be leaving the house at around 5am and will need to catch a shuttle from the parking lot to the terminal. I thought you just parked and walked inside, but the parking area isn’t near the airport. Not near enough to walk, anyway. At least that won’t cost us anything extra. We checked online to see if we pick out what we want to eat on the plane or if they serve you whatever they feel like serving you, and I guess they’re going to serve a Hawaiian-style breakfast, plus snacks along the 5½–hour flight.

Also, it looks like where we’re going is 2 hours earlier and not 3. We don’t have plans for every single minute of every single day cuz part of the idea is to just have fun at our leisure with no plans or schedules. We won’t be able to check in as soon as we arrive, and it will probably take us an hour to drive through roads that wind through the mountains, so we’ll probably go straight to Walmart where we’ll pick up a couple of beach towels, sunscreen and other odds and ends like that.

Wednesday we probably won’t do anything major other than hanging out at the beach and the pool.

Thursday is when we’ll be sailing on the catamaran and they’ll have all kinds of food, drink and fun stuff to keep us occupied that day. We’ll be on the island we sail to for most of the day.

Friday we’ll probably head inland and check out one of the botanical gardens.

Saturday is the luau that’ll be held in the evening. That’s a traditional Hawaiian feast where they have cultural dances and they roast a pig. I guess wild pigs are all over Hawaii.

Sunday we just relax and Monday we leave.

Sure enough, we’re on for a 40% chance of rain here on the 31st, though we should definitely get to enjoy some rain in Hawaii. Some people Tom works with that have been to Hawaii and say it pretty much rains every day there at this time of year.

No adverse reactions to the meds, but I didn’t expect any. She said the cholesterol pills could cause severe muscle soreness, but there’s only a 1% chance for that. The thyroid pills can make your heart race, and it did race a little, but nothing serious.

I just hope all these appointments don’t really start adding up. It’s a $25 copay every time we see the doctor, and this plan of ours has a high deductible of $1500 per year.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 2014 It really pisses me off when people equate abortion to murder. You can’t “murder” something with zero consciousness. If you can, then mowing the lawn is murder, too. It also pisses me off when people speak of how they’re “working” to take women’s rights to choose away. So the solution is to make all these women have kids they don’t want so they can maybe end up in foster care just like I eventually did just to be abused by others who also don’t want them? Brilliant. Real fucking brilliant.

Just a quick entry 4 hours before my appointment. I just hope to hell she doesn’t spring any nasty surprises on me! We’re going to Hawaii and I want to enjoy our first vacation in 7 years.

Where I had burning and itching downstairs yesterday, today I don’t feel a thing, so I don’t know what to think as far as that goes.

Was surprised to learn Nane’s also taken medication for cholesterol and thyroid issues, but in her case, it’s for fatigue.

I was amazed at how many thyroid symptoms I found I have – dry skin, low sex drive, messed up schedule, etc. I wrote the dry skin and low drive off to age and climate, but again I wonder just how long my thyroid has been fucked up. It probably started going downhill when I was around 40, but since 2009 was the last time I could lose more than just a few pounds, that’s probably when it started really escalating.

Later…

Just to let people know, I plan to be busy these next few days prior to the trip, so if I don’t respond to anyone right away, I’m not ignoring you. Also, even though we’re due back on the 3rd, give me a few days to unwind. I don’t expect to jump back online the instant I return.

Not sure I’ll be online at all during the trip because we’re having issues with the laptop. We’ll have Tom’s phone, but I won’t be able to blog. I’ll be writing by hand and will type up my notes when I get back if we don’t take the thing. Some of my blogs don’t allow backdating so I’ll be sure to include the date in the entries of what happened when.

Yesterday’s appointment was a little scary cuz I didn’t know if she was going to spring any nasty surprises on me that could delay the trip, but nope. We’re still on for Tuesday’s takeoff. My BP was up a bit but that’s probably cuz I was nervous.

I’ve got mixed emotions about the situation. I’m glad to finally know for sure I was right to suspect I had a busted thyroid and that was what was keeping the weight on no matter how hard I worked out and watched what I ate. I’m thankful as hell to this woman for catching the problems I have and for helping me deal with them, even if I may end up having to have surgery. I hope not, but needing the thyroid removed altogether is a possibility. She felt it and said it was a bit enlarged, so I will be having an ultrasound done when we return from the trip. But while I’m glad to have discovered the problem, I hate that I’m back to taking pills every day. The last time, about 15 years ago, was for asthma. Now it’s thyroid, cholesterol, and vitamin D pills, but the last two I shouldn’t be on forever. Still, we even got me a cute little pink pillbox, LOL, so I can take everything I need to Hawaii with me.

Will I lose weight in the future? I don’t know, but those skinny dreams I had sure made me wonder if the “dream people” were trying to warn me of my metabolism. I had like 3 or 4 of them, and any dream psychic knows that reoccurring ones are more likely to mean something.

After the vacation, I will weigh the pros and cons of losing weight. On one hand, if I stay the same, well, this is what I’m used to. It also keeps the perverts away and of course my clothes are set to fit my current size. It would cost money to get a new wardrobe and eventually one of those ring adjusters so I don’t lose my wedding band. It’s this thing you stick inside it to make it tighter.

On the other hand, I become healthier and it becomes easier to get around and to do certain exercises if I’m carrying 25 fewer pounds. It’s still hard work, but losing weight and being fit was something I was actually good at once upon a time, just like I’m good at writing and languages. It can be fun depending on how you see it. The body becomes a work of art and you the sculptor.

Or maybe I’ll lose nothing at all no matter what I decide. I mean look around you. How many slim middle-agers do you see?

Got a message from Paula, who’s still as crazy as ever. Don’t mail her a postcard from Hawaii, she said. Make sure I send it from California cuz that way she’ll know she’ll get it. rolls eyes Oh, and happy birthday since she knows I turned 46 or 47 this month. rolls eyes again It’s nice to know the fucktard is alive and thinking of me, but why I can’t get her to discuss her own health is beyond me.

It figures that it’s going to be 77° here the day after we leave, but it will be even nicer there and hopefully it’ll rain a little too, while we’re there. Too much rain is depressing, especially in the colder months, but I miss rain in general. It’s become such a rarity here. A good 98% of the year here is nothing but dry sunshine.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2014 Posted a status about what’s going on with me, not just to vent, but more because I was curious as to who would care to respond. Sure enough, my nieces haven’t, though one “liked” that we had a week as of yesterday till our Hawaiian vacation.

Andy had a “shitty” experience. Yeah, it’s both fascinating and creepy. He had a dream that a man disguised as a dog flipped up in the air several times and each time it did it would release shit from its ass.

Then he approves a new member to the Facebook page or group or whatever it is he runs, and the guy asks him, “Can I watch you take a shit?”

Then I send him a funny pic of an animated avatar with human figures flipping over a toilet and dumping shit into it along the way.

Something sure as shit is trying to tell him something.

Got our vacation package and times have changed since 2007, all right. No more paper tickets. We received what looks like a credit card instead for our air, hotel and ground transportation expenses. Too bad it doesn’t cover food, taxes and souvenirs, but hey, 7K is a huge chunk of it paid! And not even the shitster in the sky is going to stop me from going, infected or not.

Tom doesn’t think I’m infected downstairs cuz my white blood cell count is only slightly elevated and I have no fever. Also, every blood test I’ve ever had shows a slightly high count. IDK, I’m really burning down there so we’ll see. I just worry more about all the time and money these problems may add up to, not that I’m going to die or anything like that.

As for the cholesterol – where am I eating all these fatty and saturated fatty foods, I asked him – but then he explained that this is a hereditary thing.

Heart disease, cholesterol problems, diabetes… I may not have diabetes after all and my blood sugar may’ve been good, but why did my parents have kids if they knew they were going to pass on all this shit? Tom said they weren’t aware of these issues back then. Thank goodness we never had kids!

As worthless as placing blame may be (aside from making me feel a little better), I’ve got a few people to blame for that one. The assholes responsible for collapsing the recession so I could go so long without being insured. Myself for knowing I probably wouldn’t have gone for regular checkups anyway. God for letting me not have the insurance that He would’ve let me be dumb enough not to take regular advantage of. Why not use God to vent upon and as a whipping boy? He used me as a whipping boy. Only He let my mother do His dirty work for Him.

I asked Tom what could happen if my non-functioning thyroid which I’ll probably have to take medication for life for went untreated, and from what he read, I could develop a goiter in the future. The goiter would then make swallowing hard as it pressed upon my throat. That tissue may’ve eventually become cancerous, too.

Miss Perfect (my SIL Mary) had it even worse and it was no big deal for her in the end, so I’ll be all right. Just hope it doesn’t cost us much money. And oh, the appointments! I still have to deal with the ear specialist AND the dentist AND the eye doctor… But Mary’s thyroid was so bad they removed it. She even had lesions on her organs. They thought her thyroid was cancerous but once they removed it, they found that it wasn’t. Anyway, you can live without a thyroid, but it is important. Mine’s still bad enough that I can’t believe I’m not still gaining weight, and much faster than I did before. But I at least managed to stop that. Lack of exercise and overeating are to blame for some of the last round of weight gain, but not all of it. I don’t stuff myself like crazy and I only eat when I’m hungry. If I’m not hungry, I don’t eat. Unless you surprise me with a lobster, that is. Most days it takes me two hours to feel hungry after waking up and I don’t eat till then. I just have my coffee.

Mary lost weight after she got her thyroid dealt with and Tom thinks I will be able to, too. Even a fellow writer said the cholesterol thing is probably hereditary and that a medication called Synthroid will probably help me lose weight. Well, it’d certainly be nice to have a choice! Right now it’s not my top priority, but what if I change my mind in a year or so from now? What if I decide I’m sick of looking like shit? Well, I’d like to have the same option that most others have. A schedule and many other things that most people don’t even think twice about haven’t been or are not currently an option for me, so the less control I have over my own life and body, the shittier a feeling it is. If I can and do lose weight, though it will be for ME. Not so people can have a prettier person to look at when I’m out and about.

It’s too soon to say for sure but it’s looking like sleeping with an earplug in my good ear when I’m on nights is helping me sleep. I wake up fewer times and it seems to back the “dream people” off, too.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2014 Although I won’t have more details until early Friday morning, it turns out I have a whole boatload of problems. They should be manageable and I shouldn’t be going belly-up anytime soon, but I do worry and wonder just how much time and money this shit’s going to take up. I thought I’d have just one problem. Not 4 or 5!

After fighting with the MagicJack, which has once again crapped out on me, and dealing with a semi-shitty connection on the cell, which loves to drop calls, I managed to get someone to help walk me through the steps of retrieving my test results online. Apparently, when Tom set up the account he typed in the wrong 4 SS# digits.

So finally I’m in and I’m looking at the results. I slowly scroll down the page and by the time I reach the end I’m damn near ready to scream. I don’t know that I’m officially diabetic, but let’s see… I have a high white blood cell count, a low level of vitamin D, high cholesterol, and a seriously messed up thyroid. Yeah, no fucking wonder Miss Flat Abs and Muscular Arms turned into such a fat frump, huh?

Anyway, I’m pretty sure the infection, which would raise the white blood cell count, is coming from between the legs. I just don’t know if it’s a gynecological issue or a UT thing. My guess is it’s a bacterial infection that women get all the time. Too much moisture (like from sweaty workouts) and just a little bacteria can infect us even if we keep clean and shower regularly. I will find out at 7am on Friday. Right now I feel like someone’s holding one of my incense sticks to that area. It burns and itches. Many of these problems have probably been festering for months, even years, unbeknownst to me. However, several months back, like before the move, I noticed what felt like “zits” down there and thought the itching kind of went a little beyond the normal feminine discomfort that we all get at times.

For the most part, I didn’t have to be intuitive or psychic in my case as it was mostly common sense based on what’s been going on with me lately. Miss Healthy and Damn Proud of It. I’ve been pretty healthy with a few minor problems along the way ever since I quit smoking 16 years ago. I guess my healthy days are over, though what they can’t cure should at least be manageable. Still, I wasn’t looking forward to having to return to the days of regular appointments and prescriptions even if it’s for other things instead of asthma, allergies, bronchitis and shit like that.

Anyway, I first thought the “itchy zits” were from shaving down there, so I stopped shaving. But on it went and eventually, I resorted to getting medicated wipes that are no longer of much help. Definitely need antibiotics for that. I just worry about the trip. What if we can’t go? I won the trip but that doesn’t mean we haven’t invested hundreds of dollars in taxes and extras. I don’t want to lose the money OR the vacation. Worse, what if he gets laid off?

I’m both surprised and not surprised to find the elevated white blood cell count. I’m surprised because I didn’t have a fever and I have no discharge or funny odor down there. But I’m not surprised. It would explain the negative dreams and dizzy spells and the way things have felt a little off down there.

The biggest surprise was the cholesterol. Okay, so many older people get it. But I eat healthy most days! What we eat isn’t all that influences it, though, from what we read. It’s connected to thyroid issues. It’s amazing how many things are connected to that actually. Andy’s had issues with cholesterol and a lack of vitamin D.

My own lack of D is probably due to a lack of sunlight. I only go out when running or doing errands. Otherwise, I have no reason to go out and have never been a very outdoorsy person to begin with. Let me guess… some of you are “sad” for me, huh? Well, I’m happier in a bug-free, climate-controlled place, so cry on if you must. I once heard a glass of milk a day can replace the sunlight, but dairy products play on my stomach.

The most serious issue, but the least surprising was that I was right; I do have thyroid issues. According to our research, the numbers are high and potentially fatal if left untreated for years. It can cause all kinds of other complications. I’m hoping mine’s in the early stages so that if I can never lose another pound again I can at least not gain any more.

I kept telling myself to quit being obsessed with my weight – I didn’t give a shit how I looked anyway – but it wasn’t that easy cuz I knew deep down that something wasn’t kosher. I also knew that if I got any bigger I’d struggle just to tie my shoes. How frustrating it has been to watch people jog or walk by the place, trim and thin, and know that I’m busting my ass just as hard as they are just to stay the same damn weight, give or take a few pounds. I just knew no one would run a couple of miles every other day, eat sensibly, and NOT lose weight. I tried to tell myself it was just age, bad genes, simply how I was, but I wasn’t kidding myself.

I’m too wound up to focus right now, but I’ll just say that while things could be worse – damn the fucking bastard above to hell and back if there is one. I KNEW something like this would happen once we got settled. I knew it. I also told others and mentioned in my journal that I was afraid something like this would happen. I am, however, very grateful to Tom, Tammy, Andy and Nane for being there for me.

I asked Alison if all’s been quiet in Trollsville and she said yes. Really? Doesn’t she know Molly tweeted to her as if all is just fine and they’re still good buddies? Wanted to know how her weather was or something like that. Maybe she just doesn’t want to acknowledge her in public. Our tweets aren’t protected now. So if she found her newest name there, she’s probably found mine, too. The types of tweets, pics and other account info would pretty much give me away to a stalker no matter what name I went under.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2014 Sometimes the apple falls far from the tree, other times it falls very close to it. In my nieces’ case, it seems to be rather close. I see Tammy’s vengefulness shining through her daughters. Sarah said just when she was thinking of ways to seek revenge on her noisy neighbors, they surprise her by doing something nice, thus making her feel obligated to be nice back.

I wonder, though… am I the only one who would prefer to ignore those I dislike (though I understand noisy neighbors don’t always let us ignore them), or is it totally “normal” to seek revenge, maybe even become obsessed with, those who get on our bad side or dump us? Is getting even, stalking, pestering and harassing those that piss us off just “the thing to do?”

Well, I can’t stand Arabs and I can’t stand blacks with the shit they pull day in and day out on so many people. But forgive me if I’m too “abnormal” to want to spend my time actively making their lives miserable instead of just ignoring them unless any of them try to harm me or my husband and I’m forced to react in any way.

Later…

These doctors are really starting to piss me off what with the way they’re already going a little quacko on me. Even Tom is frustrated. He gave them permission to leave us detailed info, but what do they do? They go and leave a message at 3:30 asking if I could call in. No, I can’t call in when I’m sleeping, you dipshits! I can only multitask when I’m awake!

As some people pointed out to me, while they have laws and policies about how they go about communicating with patients, it does seem rather asinine that they can’t provide more info in messages. One friend had to drive an hour in traffic just to be told her cultures were negative. Now why couldn’t a simple “You’re fine” have been delivered by phone?

Whether it’s diabetes, an infection, a wacky thyroid, they could at least give me some hint instead of leaving me wondering. I don’t know that I’ll be up late enough to call them, but as Tom agrees, they work for us. Not the other way around. So, since it’s not a dire emergency seeing that they waited till 3:30 to call, I’ll call them when I can. I just don’t know that I have the time to deal with whatever shit I may have to deal with till after the trip. Or want to. Not unless it was life-threatening and obviously it’s not.

Whatever it is it’s probably easy enough to manage, though I’ve already resigned myself, like I said before, to the fact that the weight is never coming off. That’s fine, though. As long as I feel good and can function in life, appearance isn’t important to me. If anything, looking like shit keeps the pervies away, even if I always look a little better in person than in pictures. I think most of us do.

As that friend suggested, I’m not going to let it ruin my vacation. Tom is going to love having 12 whole days off (and still weeks of additional vacation time if he needed or wanted it), and while I may like routine, change is also nice. As some people forget, I work too, so we’re BOTH looking forward to this break.

Really miss the days, though, when it was simple to call a doctor. You may have gotten the doctor’s secretary, but that secretary would always patch you right through to the doctor. Now, if you get a live human being, you’re sent through a network of incompetent idiots that don’t know shit. Wish we had Cigna. They were the best. Everything was in one spot and set up so much simpler. 3 things went to hell starting in the 90s. The world of doctors and trying to get through to them, blacks and children. Blacks have always been trouble, but in the ’90s was when we started letting them get away with it and showering them with extra rights and privileges. Kids have always been kids too, but the 90s was when most parents threw discipline, respect, consideration, and manners right out the window.

No upset belly yesterday to have to wait out since prayer is useless to me. I wonder if prayer is like languages – some people have a knack for them, some don’t.

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 2014 I’m on nights right now and as soon as I got up at 4:30, Tom was asking me about my dreams.

First, though, I would’ve fallen asleep earlier had I not gotten sick. I thought I was going to puke for a minute there. First my throat started burning, then I felt nauseous. Every now and then I like to reinforce my belief that yes, prayer is a joke if only for me, and no, it’s not my imagination - something up there really does NOT listen to Jodi S. And when it appears to listen to others it’s probably a coincidence seeing that none of us have it all, after all. Wishful thinking or not, I prayed anyway for it to stop so I could fall asleep.

Nothing.

I like to fall asleep on my stomach but that made me feel worse so I lay on my side. I even felt unusually cold, even under a heavy blanket and with a memory foam topper.

Anyway, as soon as I got up Tom was on me about my dreams. I actually slept better than usual and didn’t recall any dreams, though I wondered if the “dream people” puking on my feet the day before had to do with my feeling like I was going to puke.

“Nothing scary or anything like that?” he asks.

I shook my head and right away I knew something was up. The only thing they “told” me was that Nane’s pinky and ring fingernails grow faster than her index and middle fingers and she confirmed this to be in fact true, and that was the other day. Hey, they tell me everything from trivial things to life-threatening situations like what we were in a few years ago.

Next he tells me they found something bad with my blood tests. They wanted to see me today but Tom didn’t get the message till 4:30. They’re not allowed to get into it over the phone, so we don’t know what it could be about, but we have our theories. This is just what we fucking need now when we’re a week away from going to Hawaii! Again I wonder – and worry – just how much of these appointments could end up costing us a ton of time and money and maybe even delay the home improvements indefinitely.

Tom had a class the managers have at work. They called at 10:30, but he was too busy to pick up the message till later. He called them back, of course. The doctor is already aware of my sleep issues and all that, but since it was already so late in the day anyway, they said the next time they could see me was on the 3rd. But that’s the day we’re due back from Hawaii. Two more weeks won’t kill me and if it is what we think it is, I’ll just watch what I eat. Tom gave them permission to leave detailed messages, so hopefully they’ll give us a hint and either confirm or shoot down our suspicions. Still, it kind of has a way of taking the excitement out of finally being insured, you know?

We both agree it can’t be life-threatening or else they’d have been insisting I get into a specialist immediately. I also didn’t have any nightmares. Then again, and as I pointed out to Tom, neither did I before my Dad died. I was totally surprised and caught off guard, bad heart or not.

“That’s different,” he told me. “Anytime something bad has happened to us directly you’ve had nightmares.”

So since I haven’t gone falling from 20-foot shower stalls, been pitched overboard from speedboats, or caught on the top floor of a building where a riot has broken out, it should, at worst, be nothing more than a big old pain in the ass.

The first possibility we ruled out was hepatitis and AIDS. I don’t do drugs and I’ve never had sex with anyone other than Tom since we met. Unless we’ve reached a point where just looking at hotties and having crushes on them can cause these things (which would be Nane’s fault, LOL), this isn’t possible.

Wacky cholesterol seems unlike but a high white blood cell count could be in which case I may have a minor infection somewhere. But where? My teeth? Unlikely. I’m not in enough pain. Between the legs? Unlikely. I think that IF anything funny is going on down there it would most likely be warts caused by excessive moisture one can get from working out. I’ll find that out in April, but I think all will be fine down there.

So what is our guess? Diabetes. I have too many symptoms and it is hereditary, like it or not. I used to think only fat people got it, but you can actually be skinny and get it, too. Obese people, on the other hand, are more at risk of getting it. I’m fat but not obese. Not yet anyway. I read that type 1 can’t be prevented, but being active and at an ideal weight may prevent type 2. An active lifestyle is no problem, but an ideal weight is impossible. Another scarily familiar thing I read was “trouble seeing (especially at night), light sensitivity, blindness in the future.”

Wonder if the OH the eye doc caught last year is connected?

Of course the one symptom I don’t have is the best one, weight loss. I knew that PMS and pregnancy could cause hunger, but didn’t realize diabetes could, too. I knew of the other symptoms, though. Tired of worrying and obsessing over my weight I resigned myself to the fact that I would never lose weight since I can’t stand the hunger and fatigue that goes with dieting, and figured I’d always be at least 25 pounds overweight. I’m naturally hungry and with occasional bouts of fatigue, so that’s part of why I haven’t lost the weight. I don’t doubt that Nutrisystem works, but that’s only if you can actually STICK to it. I don’t see how I ever could, though, so I learned to look at the pros of being big and accepted that this would be how I would live the rest of my years.

Another thing I’ve experienced for a few years now is these mysterious head rushes. Sometimes I get them after eating sugar, other times they just seem to come on for no apparent reason, but feelings of lightheadedness would be consistent would diabetes. Also, Tom got a home testing kit for that and cholesterol and my sugar level numbers did once seem a bit high. But then we tested me again and I seemed fine.

Worst-case scenario I will have to watch what I eat. Most days I don’t have junk food, but sugar is found in more things than we realize. Even watermelon has tons of natural sugars in it. So a tweak of my menu is probably in order for me, but don’t ever expect me to get down to the 120s.

Later…

I realized that the symptoms of what we suspect may be diabetes, until I can get back to the doctor, have probably been festering for years. Like back when I was thin, though again, weight doesn’t seem to impact it so much as genes, unless you’re extremely heavy. Seems like it was 5 or more years ago when I noticed I seem to be thirsty a lot and a peeaholic. Then the dizzy spells started. I won’t even get into the hunger and how I have some days where nothing seems to fill me up, or when it does, it’s not for long and I end up having to stuff myself silly for half the day just to feel satiated for more than 5 minutes.

This is exactly what I feared would happen too; that God would “punish” me for finally getting what I wanted in life, a home of our own. I didn’t worry about it all the time on a conscious level, but it was a concern that was always at least in the back of my mind. While so many others can get something for nothing, I seem to have to pay dearly, even if it’s something I deserve. And hey, when He can’t beat us over the head with money, why not go after my health, right? I still don’t think it’ll amount to much more than a hassle and an inconvenience. Diabetes isn’t usually serious unless you’re dumb enough to scarf down tons of candy bars when you have type 2. Then you could be risking heart disease and strokes and shit like that.

I’m just trying not to think of the many, many appointments for various doctors that await me as I get caught up on things, or how the costs could really add up. Totally, totally something God would let happen, too.

Later…

I was thinking about how simple this trip should be compared to when I won the Caribbean cruise in 2007. Here we will just drive ourselves to the airport, hop on the plane in Sacramento, go straight through to our destination, then do the same coming home.

The cruise trip, though, was hectic as hell. We walked the 10-minute walk to the train station in Klamath Falls, OR, trained up to Portland, spent a night in a hotel, flew out of Portland the next day to the hub in Atlanta, Georgia, flew to Fort Lauderdale, FL, stayed overnight in a hotel, took a taxi the next day to the ship, then repeated the process coming home.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19, 2014 “Why are you shoplifting now?” Tom asked me earlier. I looked at him with utter confusion. “Are you now sneaking things out of stores when we go shopping?” he asks.

Thinking he was saying that something somehow accidentally got added to our stuff or not rung up at Sam’s Club, he then holds up a pair of men’s dress pants still with its tags on.

I burst out laughing and said, “I remember when you went to Ross to get those.”

He was completely stumped as to how they appeared in his closet all of a sudden. Remember, his wife is the one who does the packing and unpacking whenever we move or travel. “You got those for job interviews when we first came to Cali,” I told him.

But back in those days, even an older white man could get a job in a couple of weeks tops and none of his interviews required anything that dressy. Especially with so many applications AND interviews being conducted online like what was starting to be a regular thing by then.

Still not sure if we’re going to go with flooring or carpeting or what but we’ll decide when we return from our vacation. We’re not interested in upping the value of the place, but the comfort of our home instead, and making it what we want it to be whether it ups the value or not. I’m leaning back towards carpet. It may be harder to clean, but it feels and looks nicer and the rats love it. It’s easier for them to grip their feet on it when running around.

The place I’d like to live our final few years in doesn’t exist and that would be at the top of a SOUNDPROOF highrise. That way I’d be away from the street/landscaping sounds and we would have no yard/property to maintain.

Little by little, we are making preparations for our trip and my schedule is now officially aimed for Hawaii. Luckily I haven’t had any nightmares, a bad thing for those of us whose bogeymen like to step out of our nightmares and into our reality, but oh my fucking goodness! The constant waking up with weird/negative dreams or just for the hell of it sure does get old! No wonder I’m so sleep-needy. Gotta sleep a little longer to make up for all that waking up. I must wake up 4-6 times during the night (or day). I usually go right back to sleep, but sleeping straight through is a long-ago memory for me at this point. Well, they don’t want to send me to a sleep clinic just for the fun of it, so we’ll see what they say, though I still can’t imagine learning anything new from them than what I’ve already been told.

I just hope to hell I get through the next 9 days without certain types of nightmares, which could only mean trouble ahead. Just like I knew the nightmare I had in Oregon before the cruise meant we were in for rough sailing, (pardon the pun). Plus we also got to return to frozen pipes. Fun. I don’t think anything will go seriously wrong, though, and if there are any serious annoyances at least it will be for a week and not for months or even years.

Tom trimmed some trees along the property line when they pulled in next door. Virginia said hi, but went straight into the house while Tom and Bob chatted a few minutes. Bob told him he could come down on their side to make trimming easier so he wouldn’t have to bend over since some of the leaves extended up and over to their side. That was nice of him and certainly made it easier since next door’s about 3’ lower than us. There’s a retaining wall dividing the properties.

The people here sure are much nicer and more considerate than any other place I’ve ever lived in, but hey, it’s a retirement community where people are older and they own their places. People help people here and no one disappears for a week without people getting concerned. That’s why we’ve let next door know and we’ll alert the office too, when we go to pay the rent, which will be a few days earlier than it’s due since we won’t be here on the first.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 2014 10 more days till Hawaii! It’s so hard to believe, even though I’ve been all over the country and even to other countries.

We’re making all kinds of preparations. Setting up the cameras that are going to watch this house like a hawk right along with the park security. I didn’t realize this till today when I noticed this when we were returning from Sam’s Club, but the gated entrance videos its incoming traffic. Most of the parks definitely don’t have that added luxury, I’m sure.

I just can’t believe it, though! We didn’t think we’d live to escape that bummy old trailer much less to go sailing, swimming, shopping and sunning in Hawaii. With my shit luck, I’ll burn to a crisp, but that’s okay. Then my body can match my face for once, which is always red with what I think is rosacea.

This facts site I follow says the more intelligent you are, the more you dream. rolls eyes Gee, I must be a fucking genius then! The “dream people” weren’t very nice to me at all. I woke up a million times after they puked all over my shoes, blew me away in a severe storm, and then Nane spoke incorrect German to me when she took me to an outdoor restaurant in Germany. I’m sure she’ll love that one, too. We sat down to eat when I spaced out all of a sudden to gaze at all the sights and sounds around me. After a minute she told me to “Essen der Essen,” which should’ve been “Essen das Essen.”

At Sam’s, we got some groceries and I got the same light blue colored memory foam bath mat for the master bath that I’d gotten for the other bath. I wanted plum, but they were out, and I prefer light blue to apple, tan and ivory. The pink bath mats I had in there were fine, but the Robo vac can’t vacuum those as well as the memory foam one. The memory foam is stiffer so its corners don’t fold over when the Robo rolls onto it.

I moved one of the pink bath mats by the bed and the other will just be stored away for now. Then I gave Tom the large piece of tan carpet that was by the front door when we moved in for him to use in the workshop. I only got one memory foam mat for the bathroom figuring I could just drag it over when I use the tub, which isn’t very often. That reminds me, I should run water for a few seconds to keep the water in the trap from evaporating.

We’re considering doing what Andy did only in different rooms and only if it’s going to be significantly cheaper than carpet. The original plan was to carpet all the rooms except for the kitchen, baths and laundry room. Now, though, we’re thinking of flooring the bedrooms with a laminate like what Andy has that looks like hardwood floors. As Andy himself said, carpet is harder to clean than floors. My office chair sure would roll around easier and it would be easier to move furniture, too. I would, however, get a large area rug for the living room. I do still like to play on the floor with the rats, then there are my workouts, though I do have a mat for when I’m working my abs. It’s definitely something worth looking into. Carpet may feel nicer to walk on and flooring the place may seriously lower the value of our home, but carpet definitely isn’t necessary and it definitely is harder to clean. If it’s more than $500 cheaper than carpet, I’m interested.

My little office is set up in the corner of the living room and when I turn around and look at the living room and dining area and think that that was once all the space we had to live in for half a decade, I’m like, OMFG.

I also got a pack of 3 soft fuzzy socks. They almost keep my feet too warm, but I like them a lot.

Other than an occasional “like” on something I post, my nieces don’t seem eager to interact with me. I guess that may be a good thing, though, since they often seem to be in a bad mood. I see a lot of Tammy in them, unfortunately.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 2014 Had a nice invigorating yet relaxing twilight run. That’s my true obsession (besides writing and languages). More so than what food I eat and what the numbers are on the scale. I can’t imagine not running at least every other day. I’m getting faster. What once took me 35 minutes now takes 25. Passed Hazel along the way, not surprisingly, sweeping away at nothing. Well, it looked like she may’ve had a little pile of dirt going. She was her usual friendly and chipper self, but not very talkative, so I didn’t push her. I hate to push people to chat cuz I hate it when they push me to chat when all I want to do is sit in silence, lost in my own thoughts or whatever it is I may be doing at the moment.

If most people believe something to be true, does that really make it true? Interesting question someone asked me. I suppose it could. But not necessarily. Most people believe gays are evil sinners, but does that make it true? I think sometimes we simply get brainwashed by society. Then again, just because most people may not believe in something doesn’t mean it’s not true either.

Seeing the majority of people believing in what I believe to be pure bullshit isn’t nearly as annoying as the dual standards society still holds for women and men. 50 years ago I would have been criticized for not having kids. Today I’m criticized for not having a job outside of the house. In 50 years it will be something else. But when is a MAN ever criticized for having kids and told, “You shouldn’t have done that. You should be focusing solely on your career.” Really, why can’t we laugh at a MAN who says he wants to marry and have a family and tell HIM he’s an old-fashioned prude? We criticize men for breaking the law and things like that but never for their lifestyle. Only women have a set of do’s and don’t’s hanging over their heads.

Later…

They recommend we get to the airport two hours before our flight is scheduled to take off, and I’m like, two hours?! Gee, why don’t we just go there now?

Tom read that some backaches aren’t due to something being wrong, but faulty signals instead. Something about the way the signal gets transferred to the brain or something like that. I still sometimes have lower back pain, but it’s been better lately.

I really feel for my nieces right now. They have 5 more months in the apartment they’re renting together and apparently the neighbors fight all night, the lazy landlord doesn’t fix shit, and like most places today what with all the cars people have, there aren’t enough parking spots and Sarah doesn’t always get one. So Becky’s way of preserving her one is to park on a line in the parking lot so she can get one that way, LOL.

Still, I really feel for them. I know how noisy apartments are and how much likely renters are to be rude and inconsiderate compared to owners. Maybe they can save to buy a house, though I don’t know if they could afford to or would even want to have to pay for anything that breaks.

It’s too bad everyone can’t live in a place like this (never thought I’d live to say that), but I realize that some people like the action of the mainstream and the city and that they want to hear their neighbors cuz then they can have fun eavesdropping and spying on them in a way that is socially acceptable.

Speaking of this place, I forgot to mention earlier that I saw a couple of fire trucks at someone’s house while out running. No smoke, pig cars or ambulances, though. Wonder if someone was having a heart attack. Or feeling like they were.

The turkeys held up traffic for a minute along the way, LOL. They seem to be getting to know me along with some of the people cuz they’re not as quick to hurry away. I can get within just a few feet of them and can hear their toenails tapping the road as they walk.

Been thinking of how Tammy and I talked about meeting up in Florida someday after Tom retires, but that’s still way too far into the future to know for sure. We may leave the country or we may just stay here. I doubt we’d live wherever they end up living if we did go because I don’t expect to ever have as much money as them. We’ll probably go for something like this place that is set up like co-op living where the cost of your actual place is lower but you pay a monthly fee for maintenance and amenities. Manufactured homes used to be cheaper than on-site houses, but once they started building them better and better and more like houses, they often cost about the same.

Had to switch to a different keyboard the other day as mine kept going out. I had to replug its cable every time I wanted to use it after not using it for a while. Then we downloaded a driver so this keyboard’s features can be used on a Mac. I like this keyboard better. It’s now been almost 6 years since I won us these Macs and we’ve never had a single virus yet.

My German hottie wished me a nice weekend. Aw, how sweet. :)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2014 Got up at 1:30. Been a little tired ever since, but not too bad. A half-hour later Tom got home from work, then about 15 minutes later we headed out for the lab. Turns out I only needed blood drawn. I didn’t need to pee in a cup. I slipped back into the 140s but that’s only cuz this test required 12 hours of fasting beforehand and I’d last eaten at around 2am.

I’m just worried that all these specialists and procedures not fully covered by our insurance are going to really add up and really delay the hell out of the home improvements.

My brother would’ve turned 60 yesterday if he hadn’t died in 2012 of liver cancer, and today’s the day my nephew died at age 16 in a trucking accident in 1997. First Sandy lost a child at 8 months pregnant, then her teenage son. God has been totally cruel and compassionless where her kids are concerned, but at least Jen seems to have made it through life unscathed so far.

After having 4 vials of blood drawn for the millions of tests they’re conducting, we went to Carl’s Jr. for a burger and fries. Then we browsed through another Goodwill store. I love checking them out every few weeks or so. You never know what awesome treasures you might find at awesome prices.

They had an awesome little black doll but with a hideously looking cartoonish face, so I didn’t get it. Another doll was just the opposite with a pleasant face, and hot pink hair, but a body that wasn’t very detailed or realistic so I didn’t get that one either. I know I shouldn’t accumulate more junk to have to dust, but what I did end up getting, for just a few bucks each, was a really nice fairy figurine. It’s kind of big and heavy and the kind you can put outdoors if you want. She’s got a dusting of fine gold glitter on her wings and sculpted dress and is sitting on the counter for now.

I also got one of those “breathable” Perfect Petzzz that normally goes for $40. This one is a cocker spaniel and it’s nicer than my golden retriever puppy. My golden pup has an on/off switch, but this one simply breathes till the battery dies. Don’t have a D battery right now, though.

Got Twinkle, my 22” doll, a new outfit also, since Hillary stole hers. She’s in a pale pink velvety top with a pink floral skirt. The waistband is a bit loose, but she’s posed lying on her tummy while propped on her elbows, so it doesn’t matter.

Since they started making nail polish with skinny brushes for doing designs it’s never been easier to do doll nails. I could even do the fairies. In the past, I would have to dab a toothpick in the polish and use that.

I know this is pure fantasy but it would be so nice to get a 3D printer, design and print 3D images, paint them, then sell them in my own little store. But I have a feeling this is something God would stop me from doing or at least from making any steady money at. Again, if He wanted me earning an income of my own He wouldn’t have cursed me with this type of sleep disorder. I’m sure the day I die will be the day you can get jobs online that pay at least minimum wage, though I would think most people would still want to work out of the house where they can be around other people. At this point, I wouldn’t care who was around so long as it was something I could do on my own schedule.

The rats are out playing now in their boxes. Again, they’d be absolutely heartbroken if they didn’t have those things to play in, haha. It’s their little play station or playground or whatever you want to call it. Let’s see these smarty rats knock my trash bin over now, though. I propped it up on a heavy jar.

While I have been enjoying a wonderfully trolless (I could get very used to this, too) poor Andy picked up a troll on Facebook. He’s the administrator of some pages there and I guess that when he had to ban someone they didn’t take it very well.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2014 We rebooted my computer while holding down the ‘alt’ key. It’s supposed to fix errors that accumulate on the drive and make things run faster. It seems to have helped a lot. Then I backed up on the Time Machine.

A few nights ago I had a dream Tom was going for a job interview somewhere but was still working his regular job. His bosses knew about the interview and didn’t seem to have a problem with it.

In my last dream, someone tried to rape me in a field, and as I told Andy, the good thing about being so fat and ugly is knowing this is so unlikely to happen for real. “You’re too obsessed with your weight,” he told me. Yeah, we all have our “rational” and silly fears and one of mine (besides Tom and I growing old with no one to help us) is getting so fat no matter what I eat and how much I exercise that I get so damn big I can barely wipe my own ass.

After the results of the lab testing come back I will then make a decision as far as what to do about my weight. I may not have much choice if this is truly how I naturally am meant to be. Just like we can’t always be taller just because we may want to be, well, we can’t always be thinner. If we could then so many of us wouldn’t be so big. Right now I only know I am NOT dieting before or during Hawaii.

I guess lipid profiling has to do with cholesterol, according to Andy. We may go to the lab tomorrow afternoon cuz the tests require 9 hours of fasting beforehand. I’ll be getting up around the time he gets in from work, so that would be a good time. Then we’ll go out to eat afterward. No guarantees, though. If something comes up then it will have to wait. Again, I don’t want to think about my health or weight till after the trip. I’m still pretty sure nothing’s wrong with me anyway. That would be my guess unless I am ever told otherwise.

We got our flight info and are going to be in the back row of 1st class on both flights – yes! No unruly kids to possibly be kicking the back of our chairs while its equally rude mother just sits there and allows it to do so.

The huge loud dog just outside the outskirts of the park makes me glad for once that my neighbors are always home, even if they aren’t exactly our immediate neighbors. On the rare occasion that its owners take off, the fucker is so damn loud that late at night you can hear it in certain parts of the house. It’s barely audible compared to how Jesse’s dogs used to be, but there’s no doubt what it is.

Got up just before 2pm today and heard the usual landscaping and traffic sounds till after 4:00. I stopped and briefly chatted with Hazel along the way when I was out running. Sweet but not all there Hazel, sweeping away on the common area that’s the park’s responsibility and virtually devoid of leaves because the park keeps up on it often enough. I should know. I hear them when I’m up and about.

rubs achy knees Sometimes I wonder if running is as overrated as racism.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2014 The appointment with Dr. C went well. There was very little waiting time and the doctor was very nice. Blond, tall, and kind of dressed like a nun without the habit; black shoes, black hose, black baggy dress.

A male nurse took some basic info from me first, then the doctor and I discussed things. Tom was with me so I didn’t have to repeat everything to him afterward and he could add anything of importance I may forget. Really, my memory is NOT like it used to be and I can’t think as fast as I used to either. I wonder if that’s normal for 48, but anyway, all my vitals are fine and unless I flunk my upcoming tests and exams, I highly doubt anything is wrong with me. Nothing serious anyway.

I’m a little overwhelmed by the fact that I will undoubtedly have more appointments this year alone than in the last 15 years. I have not seen a primary care physician since the late 90s. Other than the dentist and a few specialists, I spent nearly a decade without insurance. So there is a lot to catch up on. It’s just that the last time I did this it was a little easier because I had good vision, I wasn’t fat, and I wasn’t deafer than deaf. When out in public where there are many sounds coming at me at once everything seems to blend into one big senseless noise.

She looked down my throat, in my eyes and ears, listened to my heart and lungs, which are crystal clear, felt the glands in my neck, felt my tummy and gave me a tetanus shot. Not sure what that was for, though, since it’s not like I stepped on a rusty nail or anything. I already feel like I’ve been punched in the arm, too. I’m looking at the paperwork on what they’ve done and are going to do and it actually says “tetanus and diphtheria vaccine,” whatever the hell that means. Medical stuff interests me about as much as it would to have to listen to someone talk about God while I watched a football game.

LOL, for the status of this and that she’s got “overdue, overdue, overdue.” You got that right!

We discussed my allergies and how I had asthma that has since gone dormant since quitting smoking. We discussed my ear, sleep issues and tardive dyskinesia, a condition caused by the quacks that gave me happy pills in my late teens to early 20s that kindly neglected to warn me of this permanent condition which causes sporadic twitching in the face and neck muscles. I wouldn’t have brought the TD up, but a doctor (another quack?) once told me it was important to do so.

It was nice to be able, for the first time in my life, to bring up my sleep issues now that it’s been a real and documented condition since 1999, without hearing that I’m a lazy excuse queen who doesn’t really want to work because she hates people and that if I just set my alarm every day, I will finally break this “nasty habit” I so stupidly and selfishly got myself into by “using” my husband to support me.

I also told her I hadn’t pursued treatment as everything we were told and read suggests there’s not much that can be done about it, and I can’t get my disability benefits reinstated anyway because I didn’t work enough years, as fucked as that sounds. I mean, that’s WHY I didn’t work enough years, duh, but the wording is everything and all that was listed on my initial round of benefits was stress and anxiety and PTSD, but this was back in the 80s. As far as everyone was concerned back then, non-24-hour sleep cycle didn’t exist.

She wants me to see a specialist anyway. I guess they treat it with light and melatonin but don’t know the details right now. Something about a special kind of light that “tricks” you into thinking it’s daylight when it’s not. I don’t know how effective this is, though, or if it means they can now cure me so I can go get a job cleaning rooms at a hotel. That’d be the first thing I’d look for anyway. It’s straightforward work that you mostly do by yourself. Shouldn’t be too hard to get even though I’m older, white, a native US citizen and female, right?

Sometime up in Oregon I first noticed I had an ingrown toenail. It’s in my big left toe. It’s been an annoyance ever since, but again, we were uninsured or broke or sometimes both, so it hasn’t been dealt with yet. She’s going to perform a little surgery by numbing the toe and cutting that part of the nail out. It could grow back the same way or it could not grow back at all. Don’t know yet, but she agrees it was probably caused by a fungus. I am NOT looking forward to having needles stuck in my toe, but… no pain, no gain.

The dates of all my upcoming appointments aren’t yet etched in stone, but I will have blood and urine work done to test my thyroid and metabolism as well as hormone levels, diabetes, hepatitis and the usual things they do routine testing for. There are other things listed for testing but I don’t know what they mean. Vitamin D 25 hydroxy? Lipid profile?

Let’s see… I’ve gone this far even though I shouldn’t have and it really makes me uncomfortable to discuss anything medical, but for whatever it’s worth…

BP: 118/80

Pulse: 76 (that’s low for me)

Respirations: 20

Temperature: 97.6 (brrr)

Weight: 151

Height: 4’ 10.75” (WTF? And people call this “fun” size? Tell that to me when I’m trying to reach something from the top shelf!)

What worries me is how much the surgery, ear and sleep specialists may cost thus slowing down the home improvements. I want new carpet! And I want it THIS year!

We were surprised she was going to be doing both the toe surgery and the female exam. We thought she’d send us to specialists for that, too. She admits she’s not comfortable dealing with my ear, though. Congenital atresia is for the specialists only. Still…appointments, appointments, appointments! Yes, it’s nice to get this shit out of the way, but it’s still no fun, ya know? I still have to deal with the eye doctor and dentist, too.

Really, really didn’t want to have to get a female exam. Yeah, I know it’s risky not having them, but still… what are the odds of anything serious erupting down there? That may be more uncomfortable than my toe. I haven’t had sex in ages!

I didn’t know cervical cancer crept on you so fast. I knew early detection of breast cancer was important, but I thought there’d be some kind of pain or warning with cervical cancer. Shit, they’ll probably want me to have a mamo, too.

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 2014 A radio producer in NYC (no joke) wants to do a radio interview with me about a writing project I worked on for them, but they never once mentioned money. If you’re not a friend I’m helping out, well, money talks or else Miss Rainbow walks.

“I feel like I’m gaining weight like a mother fucker,” I said to Tom after returning home sweaty and panting, “but it was a damn good run anyway.”

“Mother fuckers must be really talented,” said Tom. “After all, you say you’re as tired as a mother fucker, bloated as a mother fucker, pissed as a mother fucker, happy as a mother fucker, hungry as a mother fucker, writing like a mother fucker, learning languages like a mother fucker… mother fuckers must be pretty amazing.”

After I burst out laughing it was his turn to let out a burst of laughter once he took a look at our Macs. I told him that after reading the book I was reading I’d taken the precautionary measures of taping our webcams in case they ever got hacked. He said, “You can’t use scotch tape, sweetie. It’s clear.”

So he took it upon himself to cover them with orange duct tape. :)

Finally got fed up enough to kick Sarah off my feed. I’m sick of her posting the same old shit, particularly about her asshole father and God.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 2014 No rain today but the wind chimes are going off all around the house. It’s nice to hear, especially since it’s usually so calm out there.

Tom and I were chatting and we got on the subject of laws and porn after I was telling him about some crime documentaries I saw on YouTube and the rather interesting book I’m reading.

“I still don’t understand,” I said to Tom, “how one guy can get a fine and probation for beating the shit out of someone while another can go to prison for 4 years just for threatening someone. Doesn’t that seem totally backward? Anyone can make threats, but aren’t words just words unless you actually DO something?”

But then he pointed out that Charles Manson supposedly never killed anyone but he’s in jail for life. Would I want him released simply because all he’s done is make threats and encourage others to kill? NO!!! Absolutely not!

I guess it depends on the nature of the threats, the situation, the circumstances, and the people involved. Having someone say they’d like to strangle you for beating them at a game of chess is a far cry from being told you’re going to die by someone who’s got a rap sheet for assault.

I also still think it’s unfair as hell to give leniency to non-whites just as it was unfair when it used to be the other way around, and I don’t care how politically correct it may be to favor the previously oppressed. Make up the past by being fairer to them, not by favoring them, I say, because two wrongs never make a right.

As I told Tom, I’d rather not be attacked at all, of course, but if someone ever tried to hurt or kill me, I hope they’re white so they can’t play the race card, which we know would automatically work in their favor when they tried to say I tried to attack them for their color. I’d rather be attacked by a white person that got away with it, than by a black person that I went to jail for on assault charges that were really a case of self-defense.

The book I’m reading is called Malicious and is fast-paced and full of suspense. The “Slave Master” hacks webcams and spies on women that he sometimes blackmails, including a female cop who’s into porn. Like me, she’s fat and forties. And she too, has tried treadmilling off the weight but found that it just won’t budge.

Regardless of the fact that porn is becoming just as popular with women as it is with men, I envy her ability to find pleasure and variety in it, even if some of it is unrealistic. She’s 44 and has 3 orgasms in under an hour? By 40 our appetites begin to dwindle right along with our eyesight, so one can be challenging enough to achieve no matter how good your partner or vibrator may be, but 3???

Unlike her, I have someone who will service me (unless he’s busy, sleeping or working) whenever I want, but wouldn’t it add such fun and variety to my sex life if only I could get into porn too?! Sometimes there are things we wish we did like as much as there are things we wish we didn’t like. But porn does absolutely nothing for me. Nothing. Zip. Nada. It turns me on no easier than watching a video of someone jogging or a family of tigers bathing in the wild would turn me on. Thinking of a particular person I’m attracted to turns me on, but would I be any more turned on by watching that person participate in intimate acts with others? Hmm… not sure. But oh what fun it would be if I could get turned on watching a couple go at it while Tom was asleep, then by watching some hot chick do herself while he was at work. But unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way for me and I don’t think I can make it work that way any more than someone can make themselves attracted to a particular gender or type of person that they just aren’t into.

Later…

We definitely have to get a new dishwasher when we return from Hawaii. There was a small puddle on the floor. I am NOT going back to the days of washing dishes any more than vacuuming. I refuse! Spoiled or not, I live in a lux manufactured home in a lux park and I’m not going back to my old ways now. So if it isn’t pots and pans, I’m not washing them!

Gotta carry on with the rest of the upgrades, too. We wanted to wait and see how much we’d spend in Hawaii first, which will probably be too damn much, knowing us.

We try to order things in bulk at Sam’s Club and on Amazon where they will be cheaper and save us a bit of money. For $160 we did an all-Prime Amazon order to save on shipping and he got a new hard drive for an old computer he’s using for special projects, a graphics card, and a drawer storage cabinet for tools. The rats got 20 pounds of food and some bedding. I got cinnamon K-cups, patchouli incense, and a few more of those realistic solid vinyl animals for my collection of farm and wildlife animals. To join the others will be a white-tailed fawn, a howling coyote, and a nursing German shepherd.

Funny how so many people are “excited” to start Nutrisystem. Ooh, I’m excited to feel like I’m starving my ass off! So excited to have hunger pangs wake me up! Woo-hoo, so excited to be positively hungry as hell and sluggish. Don’t forget how exciting that will be too! There’s no greater feeling on earth than being sluggish and hungry and it damn near excites me right into peeing my pants. :)

Nane wasn’t offended at all, luckily. That’s nice to know. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world had she flipped out and dumped me, but I’m glad she didn’t. Apparently, Facebook is different in Germany. Where they can disallow messages from strangers (wish we could too), they don’t see their friends’ activities unless they go to their walls. What the hell does she see in her newsfeed then???

I explained to her that that’s how I know when she’s “liked” or commented on something. I can go to her wall too, but she is on my ‘close friends’ list and that allows you to see the most activity. Still, “Why are you spying on me Miss Rainbow?” was a weird question. She’s not only on my friend list, but she has a public account.

Later…

When Andy made the comment about me not believing racism existed I was both stunned and dismayed. It made me realize I’m not the good writer I thought I was if I gave that impression. Everybody experiences discrimination to some degree. What I’ve been saying is that reverse discrimination is just as real. In some places and cases, it’s MORE real. But many people don’t seem to want to believe that any more than they want to believe there is no God or that God is evil.

I know some blacks still get shit on and that sucks. But I also know that many of today’s claims of racism are pure bullshit and not just because I was a victim of reverse discrimination myself. What happened to me wasn’t just about race, though. That was part of it. The other part was revenge for lodging a city complaint about noise and vandalism. Just because some of them are getting shit on doesn’t mean there isn’t even more of the shitting on us. Years ago society was afraid to address domestic violence and child abuse. Maybe someday people will be brave enough to address the fact that yes, many blacks do see playing the race card as a very hip thing to do. They are often favored in the courts and in the job market and often cry racism when someone pisses them off without caring who their false claims may hurt. So do I believe none get discriminated against? Absolutely not. Do I think many are exaggerating or making up bogus claims of discrimination to gain something or spite someone else? Absolutely.

For a group that can have black this and black that without being called racists, be exempt from being charged with hate crimes, and behave as they often do as a whole, I have a hard time feeling sorry for them. I’m fine with individuals who are fair, honest and real, but as a whole they suck and I don’t understand why so few people see this. Same goes for Arabs. As a whole, I have no sympathy for them. If you’re an individual who can live without killing someone that pisses you off, then I may talk to you. Meanwhile, I’m a bigot and a monster for not being politically hip, cool and correct by not loving every Arab that walks this earth same as blacks, right?

He said he wasn’t trying to piss me off but knew his posting an anti-racism pic would piss me off. Then why post it??? He said because he knew I thought it didn’t exist. Again, that’s not what I thought, but we also can’t make someone believe something they don’t believe either or like a certain person or group. Those who hate gays and lesbians aren’t going to suddenly like them just because I tell them to or want them to or go around posting anti-gay bashing pics. It’d be like someone trying to tell them Arabs are wonderfully loving, mellow, rational people who aren’t pro-violence. In other words, it’s not going to work. So we may as well not only accept who we hate/like/love, but who others hate/like/love as well. If anything, the more we try to rub something in people’s faces, not that he or anyone else is necessarily doing that, the more they tend to resist.

Meanwhile, it’s okay to take action against a black person who has been victimized in some way. What’s NOT okay is to sit back and allow them to do the same thing to whites that they don’t want whites doing to them. Dual standards. It has always pissed me off when women go down harder for the same crimes men commit or get less pay for the same jobs men have, so why should it be okay for blacks to discriminate against whites? Because of their history as slaves? But that’s just it… it’s history and that’s why they call it Black History Month because it’s HISTORY.

Nonetheless, and as I told Andy, I’m personally sick of hearing about the subject. I’m only writing this cuz I realize that if a close friend could’ve had me wrong all this time, so could others, and so I just wanted to say that no, I don’t think racism against blacks is totally a thing of the past. I think a lot of it is, but not all of it. Somebody’s always gonna hate somebody, right or wrong, like it or not.

I was in therapy for many months on account of what happened to me and while it may be therapeutic to write about our negative experiences the same as our positive ones, I’d really rather not be reminded of it so much anymore than I would think a rape victim wants to read books and watch movies involving rape. Not trying to bury my head in the sand like so many want to do instead of actually dealing with reverse discrimination, but there’s only so much time we can focus on the bad things in life. I want to focus more on happier things. I know discrimination, abuse, violence, disease, hunger, poverty and other horrible things exist and always will. But sometimes I just want to see the sunshine, you know? I don’t want to wonder what the hell my husband and I are going to do when we get too old to take care of ourselves. I don’t want to worry that I may one day end up severely obese. I don’t want to think about the possibility of getting cancer someday. I just want to see the sunshine, smell the roses, and enjoy knowing I have someone who truly loves me unconditionally and that I am healthy.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11, 2014 Amazing! It’s actually raining out there! So I guess this will be our one rainy day for this month. We’ll probably experience more rain during our week in Hawaii than we do in half a year in Cali.

Tom said he read that adding salt doesn’t make water boil faster and that that’s just a myth. No wonder it seems to take forever no matter what.

Yesterday was the final day of the Fast Five Nutrisystem trial. Halfway through my day, I knew I had done it long enough to know what it was like, and started eating normally again. The next day (today) I awoke to find I’d gained the two pounds back I’d lost. All in less than half a day! So fuck NS. I don’t want to have to half-starve myself for life. Still having “skinny” dreams, though. Does this mean the doctor will find a thyroid problem and fix it? I doubt it. Seems too easy. I will mention my suspicions, though, as well as show off my beautiful ingrown toenail and ask what she recommends about that.

Can’t wait to find out if Nane dumps me come Monday after letting her know I took offense to her “question,” assuming she checks in that day. Guess it will depend on how busy she is. If she does I won’t be on Facebook that much at all. I’m sick of the glitches and could definitely do without having to hear about how much Sarah loves her asshole daddy. clenches fists Like a rape victim having to hear all kinds of praise for her rapist. I could block her from my newsfeed, but she is my niece and would rather not do that just yet. It’s weird, though. All this love and praise for her father and sister (the sister I can understand), but none for Mom? They always seemed to get along at least from what I can tell.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10, 2014 We have now lived here for half a year! I can just imagine how many outdoor projects the Jes pest has completed in this 6-month period. How many decks has he hammered out? How many old mufflers has he beat on? How many engines has he built and gunned? How many trees has he sawed down? How many times has he roared in and out on his Harley? How many problems has the trailer had? How much barking has the new renters had to hear? How many firebreaks will his motorcycle-loud bulldozer have to create? A lot if I’m right about this drought being the new way, thanks to global warming.

Anyway, today is the last day of the Fast Five. I will decide next month if I want to go all out on it. It will surely prove or disprove my thyroid suspicions if I do. I’m just glad my period was on time so that’s one less thing I have to deal with when trying to enjoy my Hawaiian vacation! Now if my sleep issues and screaming kids could just keep out of it…

Today I got that head rush or lightheaded feeling or whatever it is for the first time in nearly a week, but it backed off after I ate. I don’t like to discuss medical problems anymore, but will just quickly say that I’ll be addressing my ingrown toenail which gets on my nerves at times to the new doctor I see in a few days and we’ll see what she recommends. I guess I’ll probably return after the trip for standard blood and urine work too, but I don’t know about a female exam. I’m the type that would prefer not to go to a doctor unless I have a problem, though I know some wouldn’t agree with that. Tom thinks I should have my heart listened to every now and then as heart disease is hereditary and is what killed my father, both grandfathers, and an uncle.

On the menu for my final trial day is a peanut butter granola bar for breakfast, potato soup for lunch, flatbread pizza for dinner, and a peppermint patty for dessert. I will, as always, mix in some fruits, veggies and dairy. Baby apples are a good thing. They’re cheap and easy to grab and eat whenever. I don’t hate them like I hate carrots, but I’m not overly fond of apples either. With baby ones, I can take just a few bites and not have to deal with eating a whole apple. Yesterday’s snack was popcorn and OMG! It was delicious! Very movie theater-like. Loved the chicken Alfredo, too.

Later…

Alison has not only continued to get emails from Molly and her mother, but mostly Molly, but she deleted that account. Apparently, Molly would send messages from a few accounts and they would go back and forth. In one she wanted to send her a belated Christmas present and in another, she’s accusing her of being a mean, heartless bitch. Don’t know that I’d go so far as to delete the account, but am glad they never got a hold of any of my email addies. Alison seems to change email addies regularly, though, which may have to do with work or something I don’t know about.

Molly is currently restricted from going online, but give it two months or so, and the “experts” will deem her cured and allow her to go back online to repeat her mistakes which mostly consists of contacting those who don’t want to be contacted. My tracker will tell me when she returns. She can’t see my blog, but she can still go to it. It’s like with Facebook. Anyone can go to my Facebook page, they just can’t see the posts. For now, I am enjoying a troll-free, drama-free cyber life! Still not sure if a year of going underground and making myself hard to access and my activity a total mystery will shake her or Kim completely, cuz there’s a difference between the mean troll and the crazy troll. A lot of crazy people out there seem to live in a time warp with absolutely no sense of time whatsoever. A year under radar to them could very well seem like a week. They simply have no perception of time.

Then I get another email from Alison today saying that Kim dumped her and she felt hurt, angry and sad, but figured all she could do was learn from it and move on. True, and as I told her, I can’t express the importance of going underground enough to her, and not contacting or responding to them in either way. Not if she wants the slightest chance in hell of forever escaping these loons.

In Aly’s email about Kim shutting her out, she said to please not tell her that I told her so. I told her no problem and that if anything SHE might soon be telling me that. Back when Nane dumped me in 2010 for 6 weeks, supposedly due to a misunderstanding, she said she felt she had been playing with me and might eventually dump me again.

But then Nane and I made up and things were fine. About 2-5 times a week we’d chat and she really seemed to care about me and what was going on in my life. She let me into her life as well and shared some interesting experiences with me, which I appreciated and enjoyed.

Now, though, I’m wondering if she’s on the verge of dumping me again. If she does I can tell you right now there will be no round two of kissing and making up. I fought to win her back over the first time, but this time I’m not going to care enough to fight for her. If she wants out of this friendship, fine. I will let her go because I know the frustration of what it’s like to try to disengage myself from those I no longer want to associate with who just can’t let go, and would never want to make anyone feel like they’re stuck with me or anything like that. If you want out… go!

Fortunately, Nane’s one of the few I can imagine ever stalking me if our friendship did end. Most people, though, will seek revenge on you and stalk the hell out of you. Sure seems that way anyway.

The last several weeks I’ve been hearing less and less from her and at first I wondered if it was because she saw a picture of me that shows the weight I gained. I didn’t regret sharing it with her, though, cuz that’s how you know your true friends. Also, I’m comfortable enough with how/who I am that I don’t need anyone’s approval either. If I ever do lose weight it will be for me and me only. Sorry, but trying to snuff that selfish side of me is like trying to snuff that side of me that loves rats as pets. That’s been my attitude for a long time now. Don’t like how I look; the simple solution is to just not look at me. :)

But I wasn’t sure that this had anything to do with it since we did have quite a bit of contact immediately afterward. Eventually, I started hearing less and less from her and began to wonder why and why she was ignoring or at least putting off my messages and not able to answer a simple little question like whether or not she got the email I sent her. I also reminded her to give me her address, which she said she would do so I could send her a postcard from Hawaii, and she hasn’t even done that. Finally, I messaged her this morning and told her I’d seen her online every day but wanted to give her space. Meanwhile, is everything okay?

Then I wake up today to find, “Why are you spying on me, Miss Rainbow?”

I blinked with confusion and said to myself, is this a joke? She IS on my friend list, duh, so I can see her likes, comments, and other activities without having to “spy.” But there was no smiley face she usually includes when she’s joking and I began to wonder if her heart was really in our friendship at this point.

As time went on and I had a chance to reflect on it, I realized I was kind of offended by this “question.” Anyone who feels “spied” on should not be on my friend list. Period. I even considered deleting her and seeking out a couple of friends’ advice but didn’t want to drag them into something that had nothing to do with them. But then when Alison shared her story with me I felt I could update her and ask what she thought she would do. She said she could be joking. It’s hard to say. She too, would probably feel insulted by that but I shouldn’t delete her without telling her how I feel. How she reacts will probably answer my question as to whether or not she really wants to remain friends. I agree. So I did tell her how I felt and asked if she still wanted to be friends. I have a feeling it’s going to piss her off and into dumping me, but that’s how I’ll know, and as I said before, the door is wide open if she wants to go. I don’t want to dump her just to end up wondering if I jumped the gun and made a mistake like I almost did with Adonis, thanks to fucking Kim and her impersonation games she just has to play. I’d rather let her dump me and spare me any guilt if that’s what she truly ends up doing.

Later…

Had a dream I wrote:

Dear God,

Someday you’re going to allow someone to fuck me over that even You can’t protect.

When I awoke my mind flashed back to all those who wronged me in both big ways and little ways as a child and as an adult - from family to friends, from authority figures to neighbors - and how no one has ever been made accountable for any of it. This still, and will always, bother me to know that I am so damn worthless in God’s eyes that I am deserving of whatever shit people want to dish at me and it’s okay. Again, I don’t believe in coincidences. Not when there are too many of them anyway. A few people getting away with things would’ve been one thing, but when so many have done so much that always, always happen to have a hold on me or are somehow out of reach and exempt from either the law or my fists, it’s obvious that a higher power of some kind is protecting them. I’ve known this for a while now.

What I realize is that I’m no different than others in some ways. I have made it a point for a long time now not to be vengeful in ways I can possibly be vengeful, but I also realize that just like everyone else, I am only human and I do have my limits. Everybody’s got a breaking point at which they could snap like a twig. Mine would be if someone tried to harm the person I love most – my husband.

Let the law handle anyone who did that?!?! Our often corrupt and unfair law?!?! My ass I would let them handle it and risk the perp walking on some lame technicality whose whereabouts I may not be able to trace!

Leave it to karma to get them? Nah, I don’t think so. Karma seems to forget an awful lot of people, and while karma may certainly be quick to visit me if I step out of line, karma visiting those who have wronged me (or my husband) is almost certainly pure wishful thinking. Remember, once you’ve met your soul mate, what happens to you happens to them. It was me the Phoenix people were after, but watching his wife get legally fucked over was victimizing him as well. So if my perps aren’t punished for their evil deeds, his probably wouldn’t be either, is my point.

After I was freed from jail and vindicated, I promised myself I would never ever again be held in captivity of any kind, and that doesn’t mean being held back by poverty like we were for many years. It means places like Valleyhead, Brattleboro, jails… anyplace I can’t open a door to and walk out of any time I want to. Cuz that’s another thing right there; if I’m ever framed and sent to jail ever again, the person(s) responsible better make damn sure I never get out alive, for sometimes we have to bypass doing what’s “right” to do what we feel is right in our hearts, legal or not, against society’s views or not.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 2014 Woke to Day 4 and was glad to find myself not utterly famished for once. Not gonna update my weight on NS, though until next month, if I decide to dive into this full-time.

I was wrong yesterday in saying I was down 2.2 pounds. It was actually 1.2, duh, but now it’s 1.4.

Anyway, today I definitely have to get out for my 2-mile run as I don’t like to take more than 2 days off from that. It’s a serious, hard-core, heart-pounding, foot-stomping, sweat-pouring workout, though, so it’s not something I do every day. Tomorrow is arm and ab day.

The rats are out getting their own daily exercise, then it will be my turn.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2014 Down 2.2 pounds, hungry as hell, but still alive and well. Just a quick update for those considering or at least curious about the 5-day Nutrisystem trial I’ve been doing, then enough food talk for me! I’m staying offline more too, where I don’t have to see ad after ad about this restaurant or that restaurant, as well as posts and chats about what people ate for lunch and plan to eat for dinner. Tell me this shit on Saturday! I mean sure enough Andy’s got a pic up on how McDonald’s is out of “boy toys.” Sometimes I wonder if he likes to annoy/offend me or if he’s just that inconsiderate and lacking in common sense.

Unlike Andy, my sister and many others, I’ve never been good at cooking and nutrition and all that shit. Of course I know what’s healthy and what’s not, but I’ve never been good at balance, variety, measuring, cooking and that sort of thing. Part of it is probably due to my not being good with numbers. That’s why Tom takes care of the finances while I compose any important email (unless I’m not available when he needs it done) so he doesn’t have to spend 45 minutes doing what takes me just 5 minutes to do. Even though his spelling and grammar are pretty good, it takes him forever just to write a lousy paragraph about whatever. Every now and then I catch him in serious boo-boos like when he listed a sequined cap we sold on eBay back down in Arizona as “sequenced.” rolls eyes and laughs I’m sure he also thinks he “petals” his bike when he really pedals.

Anyway, I thought it’d be $300 a month to go all out on their program, and it is if you want to customize your menu. They have 3 plans, so I saw, but I would be fine on the basic plan for $230 where they choose your menu for you. There are only a few things I may not like in the plan, but I would still eat them. Hey, as hungry as you are on this thing you just might even consider dog shit! Nutrisystem’s food is still WAY better than most other diet foods like Weight Watchers. Their food is horribly spicy. Sometime in February I will sit down and write a list of pros and cons to both losing weight and NOT losing weight.

On today’s menu is a whole-wheat bagel with a touch of real honey for breakfast. Inside the package was this oxygen absorber that says DO NOT EAT. The bagel felt and tasted amazingly fresh, though a bit on the bland side.

Lunch will be a chocolate caramel bar, dinner will be a chicken pot pie, and dessert will be chocolate chip cookies.

I love having something different every day. Because I’m such a shitty cook, variety wasn’t easy for me. I’d often get things in bulk and have the same things too many days in a row. Tom would have to go for the more expensive customized plan if he ever wanted to do this cuz where I’ll eat almost anything, he’ll eat almost nothing. He’d hate about 75% of the stuff.

Yesterday was surprisingly worse hunger-wise. Some of that and the fatigue could be PMS-related, but I’m sure a great deal of it is the diet cuz that’s just what diets do. I’m hoping my stomach has now shrunk enough that it won’t feel like it’s been on empty for months. It’s too early in my day to say right now.

May skip my run for today, but haven’t decided yet. Maybe I’ll spend most of the day cleaning and proofreading.

The damn spiders are already back. When I walked through a break in the Cypress trees for yesterday’s run I felt a web cling to me – yuck!

The electric company was at the house across the street. I wonder if they found an electrical problem when they did the inspection cuz that seems to be when the deal fell through and it was put back on the market.

So what is it with my PMS being on time while my period is late???

Later…

My period is starting after all – yay, no period in Hawaii! – but I’m not sure that trying to avoid discussions and ads pertaining to food while on the Fast Five is right after all. Initially, I was hoping for a little more support (hint, hint), since after all, we wouldn’t wave a cigarette in front of someone’s face that was trying to quit, would we? I’d hope not anyway! But I also realize that the mentioning of food and ads related to it isn’t going to go away simply cuz I’m doing this trial run here.

NS recommends keeping a daily blog/journal about my dieting/exercising experiences to help me reflect on my progress and better reach my goals. This makes sense, but then some people will insist I’m obsessed with it and they’ve heard enough about it, blah, blah, blah.

Taps fingers thoughtfully What to do, what to do, what to do… I guess I should just do what I feel is best for me in this case and not worry so much about others. We all see/hear shit we’d rather not see/hear or that we don’t like and may not be interested in both online and offline. So… if you don’t want to read about my NS experience, don’t. Meanwhile, I’ll stay offline or at least be picky about where I go in cyberspace if I don’t want the food reminders.

That being said let me update Day 3. Well, it was terrible. I was hungry as hell and sluggish like you wouldn’t believe. I was really hoping today would be easier, but if this is the way it’s going to continue to be, then it’s not worth it at all. Hell, I’d rather GAIN weight than feel this yucky.

Two more days to go, though, so I’m not going to make any decisions just yet as to whether or not I’m going to go all out after the Hawaii trip.

Tomorrow’s menu is granola cereal for breakfast, red beans and rice for lunch, chicken Alfredo for dinner, and popcorn for dessert.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2014 After I write about Day 1 on Nutrisystem I’m going to stay offline as much as I can to avoid the food talk. You know how it is, people are always talking about food, ads are always talking about food, yet my hunger pangs are enough of a reminder. Screw trying to ask people (like Andy) to shut up about it when dealing with me directly. It ain’t their diet/suffering so what do they care? LOL, you want support, then get offline!

Anyway, I was what I expected to be throughout most of yesterday – hungry and tired. But I’ve already lost 1.8 pounds. I knew I would. It’s continuing to get results that I have a problem with, but we’ll find out if I can break that cycle in mid-February, and that’s only after finding out if 5 days of this shit is going to kill me or not, LOL. Today was off to a hungry start, but I expect that tomorrow will be when my tummy will have shrunk enough and gotten used to not taking in more than a couple hundred calories at once. It usually takes 72 hours to adjust to a diet. It will never be easy, but will be easier. Then after my trip, I can decide if I want to go all out or not. Yesterday I had:

Cinnamon streusel muffin Fudge Graham bar Lasagna Cheesecake bar 4 servings of veggies of my choosing Cheese Yogurt

Today, besides my veggies, cheese and smoothie, I’ll be having:

Double chocolate muffin Chicken noodle soup Chocolate covered pretzels Rotini and meatballs

The food is wonderful. It’s like being a kid again with having my meals prepared for me without actually being a kid again. Also without having to eat anything I don’t like, though the only item in this 5-day trial I might not like is the rice in a spicy sauce. Rice is fine, spicy sauce isn’t. The plan has a good variety of foods, including just enough sweetness that I don’t crave sweets or certain foods. No suddenly wanting to run out to KFC. No wanting to slam on a pint of coffee ice cream either.

Now Starbucks caramel K cups, on the other hand, is the most God-awful coffee I’ve ever had. It’s the weirdest shit. Tastes almost like it’s laced with pepper.

If I enroll in a plan online, then I can pick exactly what I want to eat and weed out anything that may be too spicy or too bland. Like I said, though, right now I just want to get a feel for what it’s like. No point in going all out with it now just to go stuff myself in Maui. If I feel it’s sustainable I’ll give it a shot in February, like I said, and see if I can lose more than the usual 3-5 pounds. My body will probably do what it usually does, though – drop a few pounds, then fight to hang onto the weight and slowly reset itself. I don’t have to get a whole month’s worth at first just in case history really does repeat itself, but then again, I like the food. So whether I lost a few pounds from it or more than just a few, I’m still gonna eat it.

Later…

Wish I knew exactly what time today they’ll mow and blow the gray house like they do every Tuesday, cuz that’s when I’d take off for my run and literally run away from the annoying buzzing sounds.

Andy and I used to tease “Nervous” about his tie collection and ask him if he showed his boss his collection of tacky ties from what seemed like the 50s. Well, if the geek was still alive and if there was such a thing as showing his boss his degree collection, he sure wouldn’t have much to show since it’s only 11° right now in Springfield, MA. LOL, that’s toasty warm compared to the -14° Andy said it was a few days ago. Makes me wanna scream just thinking about it!

Called Tammy yesterday and even got to talk to Sarah for the first time since she was 8 or 9 which was nice. She was there cleaning since Tammy can’t quite get around just yet.

I told Tammy the code to our lockbox and said that she, Mark and the girls could help themselves to our stuff if our plane went down and she asked if it was in writing. I reminded her I told her on Facebook, but as she pointed out, you really should take something like that to the bank and get it notarized with witnesses present. LOL, didn’t think about that, but she does have a point, cuz then anyone could say anyone told them to help themselves to their stuff if they died. Without a notarized note, the state would get our stuff and they’d be the ones to sell our house. Years ago I wouldn’t have given a shit what happened to our stuff if we died, but now I’d definitely prefer it if they got it.

A black car came in playing semi-loud music yesterday. Let me guess, it went right to the house the blacks are in, right?

Later…

I was skimming through my journals from the first apartment complex I lived at when I first moved to Arizona. Oh, the grief I could’ve spared myself if I’d just minded my own business and kept to myself!

They haven’t done the gray house yet, but the park was out blowing leaves, as usual. So much for taking off on my run to escape it, though, since there were others all along my running trail blowing the 20 or so leaves that were on the ground around each tree dotting the perimeters.

I only stayed out 15 minutes, as I didn’t want to make myself any hungrier than I already was. Sure got back just in time to hear Bob slam the shit out of the SUV door, though, and am really damn glad he doesn’t usually do that. Virginia must be there. The garage door is open and I only saw him behind the wheel.

Just 3 more weeks till Hawaii! Got that plus tons of appointments coming up, and the initial round of appointments isn’t it. I’ll probably have to go back to my primary doctor (or a specialist) to deal with my ingrown toe, back to the dentist to have fillings done, and back to the eye doctor hopefully only to pick up my new glasses.

Sometimes I’m not sure going to a doctor is right for me. Too many of them falsely diagnose people these days. Tammy had one doctor tell her she had a thyroid condition while another said she didn’t. I don’t expect any doctor to know it all, of course, but people’s lives and bodies shouldn’t be like one big fun guessing game to them either. How bad can they fuck up dealing with an ingrown toenail, though?

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2014 We didn’t get to re-potting the trees, this weekend, but we got other things done around here, plus ran the usual errands. Stopped at the closest Goodwill store yesterday and got a 24” black porcelain doll that’s actually kinda nice. Having once been a collector for many years, I knew I’d find out who she was once I got her home and studied the nape of her neck. She’s Hillary, a 1989 doll by Dianna Effner. I once had her smaller Sunshine and Lollipops doll but sold her years ago. I found Hillary, in a variety of skin colors and outfits, selling on eBay for around $80.

My Hillary has nice shiny black curls and dark curious eyes. She came in a nice, but old-fashioned dress. Her shoes are cute but need cleaning. I threw her in Twinkle’s outfit for now. Twinkle, who lays on her stomach propped up on her elbows, is now wearing her dress since you can’t see as much of it with the way she’s posed. I’ll eventually get her a new outfit from the newborn section next time I’m in a department store.

Tom got a great deal on an old computer he wants for its parts. The graphics card is good and the memory holds just as much as our Macs.

Goodwill also has good incense, so I grabbed about 8 98-cent packs of that and have vanilla, strawberry, cool water, obsession, peach, China rain, rainforest and cinnamon. The packaging is cheap, of course, and when you open the bags you tear away the labels. So I used Tom’s label printer and it’s awesome.

In about 20 minutes I’m going to have my Nutrisystem breakfast. I’ve got it set up so that I have one of their meals/snacks plus fruit and veggies of my own choosing every hour and a half. I’ll eat 9 or 10 times but most of it will be 100 calories or less.

A couple of hours from now and I gotta go out for my run. At that time I’ll let the robot vacuum. Then it’s back to proofreading and posting old journals to the tune of landscaping and car doors. Yesterday was great. There were no water outages, no show and tell at the house across the street, and no landscaping sounds. Wish every day could be like that!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 2014 One of the things we got at Walmart was Plaster of Paris. We’re going to add this to the pots my artificial desert trees are in to make them weightier.

Gotta change the rats’ cage as well as do some other tasks around the house and run some errands as well.

Tomorrow starts my 5-day Nutrisystem trial. I’m sure I’ll be so damn hungry the first two days that the weekend will seem worlds away! I won’t even want to think of food. But if it is doable enough and if I do decide to go all out with it, it won’t be till mid-February. Why diet, go to Hawaii and pig out, then undo all my hard work? I picked mid-February cuz that’s when my eye appointment is and when I plan to visit the Chinese restaurant nearby for their fried rice which is to die for. Hell, I’ll probably consume 2500 calories alone that day!

At least with Nutrisystem, I won’t have to worry if I’ve fucked up counting calories since everything’s counted out for me. The only things that aren’t are my veggie servings and my 4 mini snacks, but that’s a lot easier to keep track of than a whole day’s worth of food. I need to do it for 2-3 weeks to really get a sense if anything could be wrong with me thyroid-wise or whatnot. Just about any diet will initially knock a few pounds off me. It’s continuing to get results that’s the problem. Yeah, I keep dieting but my body stops losing, haha. Maybe with something that is counted, measured and packaged for me, I will continue to get results for as long as I do it. How the hell I would maintain any significant loss, though, is totally beyond me. Like I said in my previous entry, it’s not “natural” for a 48-year-old woman to be thin, and so my body’s gonna fight it tooth and nail.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2014 Feeling kinda yucky today with the PMS from hell. Really hope I don’t skip a month and that my period is on time for once. My back aches like hell, and part of why I don’t go to a masseuse is because the PMS is going to return each month no matter what. Also, I’ll put Tom’s hands to work for 10 minutes or so and I’ll be fine. What’s not so easy to just massage away is the fucking water and fatigue. I’m just so glad I got out of the obese range so I can pick something up off the floor even when waterlogged. I swear if you stuck a fork in me, about 3 pounds of water would come gushing out like crazy!

I’m frustrated with Paula cuz no matter how many times I ask I can’t get her to tell me what’s going on with her in a message. We keep missing each other, I keep asking her to update me in a message, and she keeps telling me to call her. Fuck it. I’m not going to play phone tag games with her. Besides, nothing I dream is going to change what’s destined to come anyway.

Anyway, Tom and I are heading out soon to Walmart and then to have fun browsing through other stores as well.

Later…

Decided to just do Walmart today. We spent $200 there. Maybe tomorrow, though, we’ll go to Goodwill. You never know what bargains you may find there.

$45 of the Walmart run was that 5-day Nutrisystem trial thingy I mentioned before. I love how they make it simple and how everything is packaged, weighed, measured and cooked for you. It comes with 15 entrées and 5 desserts. Monday – Friday I will have 3 entrees, a dessert, 2 “Powerfuel” snacks of my choosing, and 2 “Smartcarb” snacks. So I will eat 10 times a day. While nothing in this package contains anything I wouldn’t eat, I’m sure the hunger will be insane cuz each item is barely more than a few bites.

This way I can tell the doctor when I see her on the 14th how my body reacted to it. If something’s wrong with my thyroid, I want to know about it and I need to know about it cuz it could be a serious problem for me later on down the road if I don’t deal with it now. There’s got to be some reason why my body gives up after losing just a few pounds. As I was telling someone else earlier, the reason I’ve probably had an easy enough time maintaining my weight is because it’s 25 pounds too much and we’re SUPPOSED to be fat when we’re older. Not obese, but fat. If I tried to maintain 120 pounds or lower there’d be no way I could do it like I could 25 years ago.

The point is that I’ve been wondering for a long time if something’s up with me or if this is how I naturally am. I don’t want to go all out on Nutrisystem and pay the $300 a month just to lose 5 pounds that’ll only return even if I keep on dieting and exercising. Or that can’t be maintained even if I did lose 20-30 pounds.

Would I do the Nutrisystem program if I knew it would work? sighs thoughtfully I don’t know. I just don’t know yet. We could afford it, but I’m not sure I’d want to get a new wardrobe either right now. It would definitely help with my mobility even more if I got some more bulk off and out of the way, but right now the home improvements are more important to me since it’s not like I’m 50-100 pounds overweight. So… one step at a time. First step is seeing what the trial is like. I’ve always been curious about how programs like Nutrisystem, Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers work. Well, not so much how they work (that much is obvious), but what it’s like to actually be on one of their programs. Once I see what it’s like and whether or not I lose weight, then I’ll decide if I want to just stay where I’m at or go all out with it. I’d also like to hear what the experts have to say about my thyroid and the results of any blood work they do. They won’t be doing much on the 14th, though. That’ll just be the initial getting-to-know-the-patient routine.

Got the dentist and eye doctor in February, and the eye doctor makes me a bit nervous. I suppose it shouldn’t, though, cuz glaucoma doesn’t fester to the point of being a serious problem overnight. It usually takes 10-15 years, so I should be years away from needing any drops if I ever do need any at all. Hopefully, the OH was just a one-time thing and the pressure will be back to normal next time around. Either way, I need stronger glasses.

One trip and 3 appointments in less than 2 months! Guess you could say I’m a little overwhelmed.

I also need this park to stop fucking with our water and stop the landscaping craze. Four times I had to hear it yesterday, and while it may’ve been short-lived, it was no less annoying. Today I hear something running that may be outside the park, but still, I hear this shit nearly every day and you would think I’d be used to it by now, but I’m not. Oh well. It’s better than 12 hours of barking.

Just when I was thinking how nice it was to have no pipes break in months, this is the third day in a row they shut our water off for about an hour.

Anyway, Tom got a label maker to create labels for his storage bins in the workshop, and I got my first paper journal since the 90s. It’s got a rainbow-colored leopard print on its hardcover and is going to be used mostly on the plane to and from Hawaii. Since I probably won’t fill up all 200 pages, I’ll probably write one here and there over the upcoming years and make my own “library” contribution along with the previous owner and all the books they left behind. I should do a page in Spanish, Italian and German, too. LOL

Okay, I’ve had enough of the mower or wood chipper or whatever the hell it is that’s been running toward the front end of the house. I’m going to crawl into bed in back with my Kindle and read to the hum of my air cleaner.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 3, 2014 Our new luggage arrived. The purple seems darker in person and I wonder if the suitcases are too small for two people for a week, but Tom says it’s plenty.

The rats’ new water bottle also arrived and that’s definitely small at 10 oz. It’s more suitable for one hamster or gerbil, but a couple of giant rats? It’s fine, though, cuz we want to add additional bottles while we’re gone in case one fails.

We got a few thumb drives as well. One’s going in the lockbox outside with all my docs, graphics and music backed up onto it. The chances of a break-in may be next to nothing, but this way they can get the electronics and other valuables, but I still have what’s most important to me in the lockbox as well as with me in Hawaii.

We’re going to do an inventory of everything that’s over $300 so our insurance can replace anything if worse came to worse, though when you think about it, we really don’t have that much of value. Only a few expensive dolls, computers, printer, TV, refrigerator and treadmill, and that’s pretty much it. We don’t have any expensive jewelry. Just our wedding bands which are always on our fingers. The car will be at the airport. It’s gonna be wonderful jumping into a car and driving home after the trip, instead of getting off a train in the middle of a cold, dark icy night where we had to walk a few blocks to the dump we rented when we returned from the Caribbean cruise I won in early 2007.

Later…

Paula left a message but wouldn’t say anything about her health. Instead, she said to call her at noon her time cuz she’s “really curious” to hear about the dream I had about her. Well, of course she is. She knows my accuracy rate is too good for comfort. If it weren’t for the grim circumstances that usually surround my dream premonitions I’d feel so blessed and so proud of just how “good” I am same as with how well I usually write and how fast I pick up languages. I’d be like, ooh, look what I can do! What a gift, huh?

Now fast forward to reality. She is A, not saying anything about her health, and B, wants to know about the dream. Kinda makes me wonder, alright, but like Tammy said, I gotta try to think positively till I talk to her.

I was thinking about a fellow writer/follower/friend who has been having lung issues. The doctors are still stumped. Sometimes I wonder if no news is better than bad news. I’m afraid that’s what I’ll get when I see my own doctor. The ingrown toenail is pretty straightforward, but other things? Not that all doctors are quacks but it seems a lot of them don’t know what the hell’s going on with their patients, and I worry about that at times. “I don’t know why you can’t lose more than 5 pounds on a sensible diet with exercise, Ms. S., or why you have to damn near starve yourself to lose more than that, and I don’t know why it all comes flying back as soon as you go back to eating SENSIBLY. Come back in some other life and maybe then I can tell you. Meanwhile, be glad you don’t mind looking like shit and have finally managed to stop gaining anymore and blowing your ass up wide enough to smother a whole army of people at once.”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 2014 Can’t imagine trying to cram the 12 rolls of paper towels we got at Sam’s Club into the little old trailer that’s no doubt had numerous problems just in the nearly half a year we’ve been out of it. I’d also hate to think of just how many annoying outdoor projects Jesse, who lives for puttering around outdoors, has done by now. Either way, we won’t be buying paper towels till early 2015 and we still have a roll or two left from the last 6-pack we got.

I just wish that every time we went to Sam’s it wasn’t full of screaming kids. When are parents ever going to go back to the days of teaching their kids manners, respect and discipline? I totally dread all the screaming we’ll no doubt be in for on the plane, even in first class. Thank goodness for earbuds, though sometimes they’re loud enough to override even the loudest songs.

Speaking of things that are loud, the dog in back is the loudest one around here for sure. That’s why I thought it was next door. Where the hell did it come from all of a sudden? Gee, we must be between the 4-6-month marker where things get noisier for some strange reason. It’s not a real problem, though, so long as I don’t have to hear it more than once or twice a day. I am a little worried about open windows on that side of the house in warmer weather. If you leave a dog in an open window around here, not even 10 minutes will pass without something for it to bark at. Lots of traffic. Lots of people.

The landscaping, however, has dropped from being a daily thing now that the leaves are down on the trees that lose them, to the usual 2-3 times a week for 30-60 minutes.

Heard tons of firecrackers and some gunshots on New Year’s Eve, but none of it was in the park. It was coming from outside the park. Tom was asleep, but in my robe and slippers, I excitedly slipped out into the carport and then down the driveway to see if I could see anything. I saw flashes of light in the direction of the cemetery, but nothing else. Then I started shaking with tears like a little kid as I thought of Paula and the awful dream I had of her.

“It’s freezing out here,” I eventually thought to myself. “Get inside. This is the Sacramento area, not San Diego.”

I totally forgot, until Andy reminded me, that I also dreamed he told me he was dying of cancer and he’s fine, so that’s a good sign, too. More than likely the dream simply represents a rocky road ahead for her. Tom later pointed out that I didn’t attend her funeral in the dream. Now that we’ve fixed the MagicJack phone (it was plugged into a hub without enough juice to power it), I’ll try to call her later this morning and see what information I can get.

I’m a little disturbed by the fact that there’s a 4 in this year, as the number 4 has proven to be rather unlucky for me. Although… the years 2000, 2007, and 2011 were just as shitty, if not shittier than 2004 was.

I’ve also lived enough decades to say for sure that the first 2-3 years of each decade is significantly worse than the rest of it.

Uh-oh, just noticed another potential pattern of a scary kind. Our worst years were 2000, 2004, 2007 and 2011. 2004 is 4 years later than 2000. 2007 is 3 years later than 2004. 2011 is 4 years later than 2007. If we keep alternating 4…3…4…3… then 3 years after 2011 is… ugh! Nooooo!!!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – damn the bastard above for siccing this sleep disorder on me! If He truly is the reason for what we are and for how we are, damn Him. Just damn Him to hell and back, though no, I’m not going to get into detail. I’m not in the mood of being accused of making excuses when in fact I don’t make “excuses.” Not at 48. As a minor under 18 when others had the power and authority to use the truth against me – you bet – but now I just tell it like it is. All I’ll say is that it’s going to be tough lining things up for my appointment on the 14th. A few days of lost sleep won’t kill me, though. It’s doing it day after day, week after week, month after month that my aging body can’t take. It was hard on me when I was young, but there’s no comparison between 25 ago and now, like it or not. It’s like comparing the effects of dieting then versus now. I could lose large amounts then. Now I’m lucky if I can lose more than 5 pounds.

Oh, that reminds me. I’ve been asked what I’m doing to maintain my weight. I work out at least a half-hour every other day and I only eat when I’m hungry. No eating just to be eating.

We are going to go ahead and take advantage of the fact that we get something like 15 days a year of rain here and let most of the plants die off. Might keep one of the rose bushes and the beautiful pink camellia tree which is blooming nicely now. Fewer plants means less work and less watering.

Sugar now has his own Skype account. LOL We’re going to install cameras indoors for two reasons. One is for the very slim chance this house is broken into while we’re gone, and two is so we can call the rats once a day and “see” how they’re doing and let them hear our voices so they don’t feel so alone or like we’ve abandoned them forever. Haha, when we get back that Sugar rat is going to be all over me like crazy. Somebody just grabbed my ankle. Romeo? Nah, he’d have bitten me. That rat’s obsessed with biting.

I asked Alison to quiz Kim on whether or not she knew of my “secret” blogs. She says Kim swears she doesn’t know where I’m blogging these days; just that she knows I’m on Blogger and MO but is staying away so she doesn’t get in trouble. Well, MO’s gone, but as Aly said, she could totally know the links but isn’t saying so. Yeah, that’s why I won’t be friends with her. Because everything that comes out of her mouth is hit or miss as far as whether or not it’s true.

Molly hasn’t tried to view my blogs, but IS allowed online. She tweeted Happy New Year to Aly, even though Aly changed names there. Did she discover the account on her own or was Aly dumb enough to give it to her? Aly swears that even though she still gets emails from Molly, she’s not reading them. Even Aly’s not totally trustworthy, though. She’s not the liar the other two are, but if she’s gone back to contacting Molly she’s not going to tell me about it, knowing how much I’ll tell her she’ll regret it and is making a huge mistake. Chances are Molly dug it up on her own. That’s what stalkers do.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2014 Age: 48

Martin Luther King had a dream. So did I. Only mine’s the one I hope to hell that, unlike his, doesn’t come true.

I don’t know why, but New Year’s Eve is a hot spot for psychics of various kinds. For some reason, we tend to get a glimpse of what lies ahead at this time, be it in our dreams or when we’re awake. But the “psychic window” didn’t open much for me the last few years and so I didn’t really think it would this year either.

Knowing the unknown has been a habit of mine for most of my life. It starts with that little feeling that says something wrong, which we’re all programmed with. Then around the time I quit smoking in my early 30s (coincidence?), it flourished into much more than just basic intuitiveness, mostly by way of dream premonitions of a negative kind. Almost all my negative dreams come true, sometimes even to a tee. I learned how to read various dreams and weed out the “spam” from potential signs/warnings in time. It was cool at first but by my 40s cool had turned to creepy.

I made the comment to Tom about how I’d probably be asleep this year, so I doubt I’d “see” anything while awake at least at midnight Eastern time. He said maybe the “dream people” would show me something about what’s coming up in the year ahead.

Oh, they showed me all right, in the form of a double nightmare involving suicide and death. Again, I wasn’t expecting anything unusual and figured the dream people were simply dormant and lying in wait for the next rough patch of life we go through since they prefer to be the bearer of bad news as opposed to good. Only none of it had anything to do with us and as selfish as it may sound, I am thankful for that much.

Unless my new gel and memory foam pillow I got at Sam’s Club is just hexed, barely two hours into my sleep I had the first nightmare. It involved a young girl I didn’t know that hung herself. My mother might’ve been one of the 5 or 6 people that knew her and discovered her. The girl, in her early 20s, hung from a rafter in a loft and landed sort of in a sitting position at the edge of it. We gazed up at her from down below. She was about 10’ up and there was this ramp-like ladder leading up to her. For some reason, everyone was more concerned with the small square pillow by her side than with the girl. They just had to have that pillow for some reason, but no one would dare get near her.

“It’s just a dead body,” I said. “I’ll climb up and get the damn pillow.” So I got on all fours and shimmied up the ramp/ladder. I was a few yards from the girl and pillow when the rope around her neck snapped, causing the body to flop back and then start rolling toward me. I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

I woke up sweating and had to turn the fan on. Since I don’t know who that was in that nightmare, I can’t say for sure what it means. Maybe some trouble ahead for an acquaintance? Maybe they won’t kill themselves, but maybe they’re still in for tough times.

It was the second dream that was critical because it’s not only the second time I’ve had a dream like this, but it’s about someone I do know very well, my friend Paula. She’s 46 and has been on disability all her life cuz the poor girl has the mentality of an 8-year-old. She’s the type that might be afraid to see a doctor for fear of it causing the FBI to steal her bathmat or something like that. It’s a wonder she can even drive.

In the letter I just got from her she says she’s sick again but will beat it, she said to make sure I send her a Hawaiian postcard from California so she “knows” she’ll get it. Yeah, that’s just Paula for you, LOL.

In real life, she told me she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was going to undergo a hysterectomy. So when I had the first dream of her dying, I figured that’s all it was about and that she would be okay. I don’t know if she ever really did get the hysterectomy done, but I find it hard to believe that last night’s nightmare is just a reflection of my concern for her. It’s got to mean something. I’ve had numerous dreams and visions pertaining to her and I’ve never been wrong yet.

Anyway, I went to visit her in the dream and although I was shy about it and chose my words as carefully as I could, not wanting to put her on the spot but curious just the same, I asked if she’d be okay. A dubious expression crossed her face and she said, “Oh, no, this is a solid mass.”

Her phone then rang and clearly, she didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so I walked out of her apartment and closed the door, which had been open. I realized Tom was standing outside in the hall and had heard the whole thing. We walked silently for a few seconds, then he asked, “Do you really think she…”

“Yeah, I do, Tom,” I said before I woke up, wondering if her condition is a lot more serious than even she realizes. I’ve had death dreams pertaining to my sister and another friend yet they lived even though it wasn’t without a serious fight. But this is the second dream, and again, Paula’s not very bright and her insurance is probably a joke. Hopefully, at worst this just means she’s got a very rocky road ahead of her, though it’s got to mean something. It’s got to. I don’t “reflect” in dreams. I “see.”

Good news, Mr. King. Most people like blacks. I wish my own dreams weren’t as apt to be granted as yours was.

Later…

To back up to when Bob noticed we’d left the water on, I later went out to see if things had dried up. We’re going to turn the water off to the whole house when we leave for Hawaii. That way we don’t have to worry if a pipe bursts or anything. Like what apparently happened yesterday. I’m surprised we went this many months without a park pipe bursting, but I could tell by the way the pipes farted when I got up and peed that there had been another outage.

Like most people, the people next door are in and out a few times a day. This time the SUV was gone and Virginia wasn’t around, so she was obviously out somewhere. Bob was doing something in the garage. The garage is actually pretty empty, so he definitely doesn’t have any workshop set up in there, thank goodness.

I casually asked him if anyone had gotten a dog around here to see what he’d say, but he just shrugged. Then the next day when we were heading for Sam’s Club, Tom said he saw the dog I’ve been hearing in one of the houses behind us. At first he thought the dog was loose and thought that was weird in a retirement park of all places. It was taking a leak on a small strip of grass alongside the house and he next saw someone waiting at the door. I’ve only heard it a few times so far, but I really hope that thing isn’t going off at open windows in back come spring. This is an amazingly active park so it would have plenty to go off about. We were surprised just how many people were out walking yesterday and it was cold. We both wore our jackets to the store.

Anyway, the nightmares I had left me tired so I took a nap a while ago. That fucking loud-ass car or truck or whatever the hell it is that delivers the paper just had to wake me up, of course, because I drifted off without putting the sound machine on. If it weren’t for that I’d hear everything. Vehicles, planes, helicopters, sirens, people, dogs, and just about every sound imaginable. Still, no vehicle that insanely loud should be allowed to cruise around here at 5am! How do people sleep through it?

We hit Sam’s Club at 10am and like I said in my last entry, I got a new gel/memory foam pillow as mine, which I had for 8 or 9 years, finally started to really lose its shape. We also got a memory foam bathmat to replace the old one in the second bath. I don’t think I’d like memory foam padding under our future carpet. They do make it, though.

I wear bifocals in public so I can see both near and far, and being out and seeing just how much my eyes have worsened over the last year was a sad reminder of how I should’ve upgraded my prescription before the damn trip to Hawaii. So now the vast expanses of the Pacific will be a bit blurry. It just sucks that I have to travel with the damn things at all. The last time we went on vacation 7 years ago I only needed reading glasses.

[shealwaysreads]

This is gonna be really random but I am so delighted that you have 30s in your bio. I'm 23 and at that point in my life where I'm entering adulthood and I've thought of my involvement in fandom and how that would change as I journeyed further into adulthood. And most of the time, especially on new platforms like tiktok, it's mostly younger people who are making fan content so it's amazing to see people actively enjoy fandom content as they become full adults. It's very freeing 💜

This was such a lovely ask to receive, I’m so touched and so glad that you reached out! You’ve tapped into a subject I have a Lot of Feelings about, so forgive the incoming ramble ❤️

I have had friends of all ages in fandom over the years, and those friendships have been more important than perhaps I gave them credit for at the time. I’ve been fandom-ing since I was about 14 and its been a hobby that’s brought me huge joy and allowed me to get to know so many lovely humans. They’ve modelled ways of living that I didn’t know about, have generously shared their time and knowledge and expertise and experience, and have been examples of preserving one’s joy amidst the reality of growing up and of living in an adult landscape that can become barren if you don’t intentionally enshrine what’s important to you. (The actual you, the one that lives in your heart.)

The narrative of ‘you’ll grow out of this’ or of setting aside your pleasures as you become an Adult™️ is incredibly pervasive and incredibly damaging. There is even more pressure on young women in particular, and I’ve seen so many instances of ‘oh my god you’re 30 why are you reading fanfic, shouldn’t you be married/mothering/doing your taxes?’ 

It’s easy to get tricked into believing these social strictures are rules that really mean something, but reducing yourself to something prescribed by….who, exactly? (The people and structures that are interested in keeping us small, and bored, and tired, and empty-hearted, and too worn out to argue when they want to take more of our money and eat into more of our precious time here on this precious planet with all of these precious people) It’s a losing game! How much do you think you would need to give up to please the anonymous Life Police who are apparently out to make sure we’re all living the most stripped-back life we can?

If something makes you happy, if it gives you pleasure or comfort or inspiration, then it has a meaningful place in your life. This isn’t hedonism, it is a fundamental basis for a life worth living. 

Fandom is fundamentally about fun—it’s a small word for a big phenomenon, full of community, and friendship, and connection. It’s a folk-space where there is room for everyone, where you can explore the subversive and the comforting all in one blog. It’s where all of us can contribute—making art of all kinds, celebrating each other, inspiring each other, debating each other, stepping out of our daily lives to indulge in the essential, essential, work of imagination and creativity and enjoyment.

Play doesn’t stop being important when you stop being a child, or a teen. We’re human: telling tales and making marks, and sitting together around the fire enjoying it all is in our DNA. Fandom is just another circle of humans joining together to listen to stories and be together.

So. Enjoy being 23, but don’t fear 33, or 53, or 73!

You’ll be yourself; wiser and older, and more well-lived, but you’ll still be yourself. You’ll still laugh, with love, at your childhood and teenage embarrassing moments.

You’ll still remember when that actor did that movie, in that outfit.

You’ll have playlists full of music that brings back summers and parties and heartbreaks, and you’ll still know every lyric of all of those songs.

You’ll have new hobbies, and you’ll have your old hobbies, and maybe you’ll leave them for years at a time but you’ll come back to them unexpectedly and joyfully.

You don’t have to give anything up, not if it still makes you happy!

❤️

[bokettochild]

request: sometimes time likes to be alone underwater. with his iron boots and zora helmet, it's easy to just take a stroll at the bottom of a deep enough lake, away from the rest of the world. he did not expect, however, to find legend relaxing inside a small hole in the stone. Mer Legend.

Oh boy! I was vibing with this one for a while, I just wanted to make it perfect!

I'm pretty happy with what I made too, but man is it long!

(I hope this makes you happy, anon!)

When he and Malon have kids, he hopes they don't have this many.

Nayru knows he loves his boys, but they can get a bit much sometimes. They can get loud and overwhelming, and as a man who’s used to traveling primarily alone, with maybe a fairy trailing behind him or his trusted mount, it’s a bit overwhelming. He’s not used to being around people so much, Malon and Talon are his only consistent company and even then, the work they share means that often times it’s only him and his thoughts as he mucks, mends and tends things around the ranch.

Sometimes, when the boys get especially rowdy and playful, it’s just nice to get a moment of quiet to himself. Between Sky and Twilight he knows that nothing overly chaotic will go down, and he trusts the boys to keep each other in check.

So, when they come to the Pup’s Hyrule, their battle in this world over and most of their number restless as they wait for the next portal to arrive and whisk them away, Time allows his boys their space, and with a quick exchange with the only two he can trust to not burn something down (at least while the younger ones can still see them) he heads off into the forest to get a little space to himself.

Of course, he can’t really go far, not if he needs to hurry back, but he doesn’t really need to. His destination is Lake Hylia, which is only a short distance from their camp, maybe ten or fifteen minutes, and, when he gets there, he allows himself to actually breathe for once.

Wild, Warriors and Wind had been locked in a game of cards when last he left, the champion soundly beating the other two both at cribbage while Wars bemoans his poor luck, and Twilight and Sky were discussing wood carving with Hyrule, with the occasional comment from the smithy, who is only too happy to throw in something related every so often as he looks up from his book. That leaves himself and Legend, and he’s long since learned that the vet was one to disappear for his own space when possible.

He’s not overly worried. Legend has items and experience that far outmatch most of their group, and if he runs into trouble Time has little doubt that he’ll be able to get himself out of it to at least gather reinforcements, if not handle the issue by himself.

A deep breath of relief escapes him as the eldest of the heroes pulls a few items from his own bag. The boots are a familiar if not welcome weight as he slips out of his armor and dons the tunic and cap of the Zora, his breath bubbling softly as he steps into the lake before him with a contented sigh.

The cool water floods over the top of him, tugging at his hair and bubbling in his lungs, but it’s doesn’t burn the way that it should. He breathes easily beneath the rippling surface of Lake Hylia, the Zora tunic granting him freedom beneath the waves.

There is little sound beneath, only the muffled noise from above the surface, the flow of the water and-

Time’s ears prick forwards as a single blue eye turns to search the space around him.

Someone is singing.

It’s a haunting sort of melody, one that draws you in and makes you dazed, and Time finds himself stumbling over his own feet as he searches for the source. It is not a Cursed song, nor anything powerful from what he can recall, in fact, it’s almost familiar. It sounds similar to something he hears hummed about their camp at night while the boys take watch. He’d never been able to place which of the young heroes hummed the lilting melody, but he’s let it carry him off to sleep many a time before. Only this song, the one that twines about his head and whispers in his ears and makes his feet trek closer and closer to its source, this song is different, it’s haunted and Broken, and it is sung in a Voice.

Not a voice like most of those above the surface have, but a Voice like a fairy or spirit might have. One that pulls at your very soul and sings in your mind, un-hampered by wind or waves, able to carry across miles to be heard by those that it Sings too.

Heavy feet trod faster.

He’s under no spell, but he is a Link, and by now he has learned that all of their kind are blessed or cursed with courage and curiosity both, and to be without the latter is simply unthinkable for the young-at-heart hero. Something –the forest imp in him maybe- tells him to find the Voice, find the Singer.

He’s only made it part of the way across the lake, hasn’t even left the shoreline properly, when the song stops. Unease creeps over him as he looks around, alert and ready for trouble, only to see nothing but the peaceful stillness of the lake bottom around him.

There! His mind supplies as something pink flits in the corner of his vision, and he’s whipping around to come face to face with-

Long tangled hair drifts in the waves as glistening scales reflect the light pouring down through the waves. Too deep, too dark eyes stare at him in shock for a brief moment, and then-

The creature, the thing, is gone in an instant. Whipping away as it’s glimmer fades into the waves around him, speed no doubt granted by the brilliant tail of the thing sending it rocketing out of his grasp before he even has a chance to speak.

He tried to follow it. He does! But quite soon the adult part of his mind is reminding him how dangerous the thing could be, and that he still has his boys to return to back on the surface. It’s been exactly thirty-two minutes and thirteen seconds since he left them at their camp, and by now they usually would have sent someone to check and make sure that whatever member of their party had strayed off was alright.

Removing his boots is all it takes to float to the surface, despite the fact that he still holds the things in his hands, and it’s with no small amount of relief that he realizes that the bank of the lake is free of other heroes.

Time gathers his things together, wringing out his hair and clothes before returning to his normal gear and heading back to the camp.

Smiles and chuckles greet him as the young heroes tease.

“Go for a swim, Old Man?” Legend quirks a brow, staring up from his place by the fire.

Time doesn’t answer him, but he does shake his head violently enough to spray the younger heroes with water, earning shouts and shrieks from them as they try and shield themselves from the wet. “Seriously, Time?” Warriors moans, wiping lake water from his face. “What are you, a dog?”

Time smirks at the captain and, to everyone's surprise (which produces no small amount of delight for him), he barks.

“What sorts of people have you met in your adventures?” Sky asks a couple of days later, head cocked to the side as he watches his brothers. “You all talk about so many races, but I don’t think I've heard of most of them.”

“Well,” Wild smiles, there’s a glint in his gaze that isn’t quite mischief, but it’s a warning to be wary anyway, because they all know what a crack-pot their cook can be at times. “There’s Hylians, of course, and Sheikah, Yiga, Gerudo, Rito, Gorons, Zora and koroks! You’ve probably already met the Sheikah, since you mentioned knowing an Impa during your journey, and the Yiga are an offshoot of that group.”

Twilight blinks and stares, Warriors furrowing his brow as he two older heroes stare at the younger, but Wild seem entirely unaffected.

“Gerudo are a desert people. They’re really tall, and extremely strong! Most of their race have long red hair and slightly darker skin than the people around Hyrule. They are a society of all woman, with only one man being born to them every hundred years. They worship the goddess Din for the most part, and live out of an opulent city set in the desert where they specialize in the crafting of weapons and jewelry, and the farming of exotic plants.” The champion then proceeds to run down traits and knowledge about the other races, matter-of-factly, as if the details he is sharing are things that everyone from the surface knows.

“Wow.” Sky laughs as Wild finishes. “I had no idea.”

“There’s also the minish.” Four adds. “And the Wind Tribe, who are sky people, of course.”

Sky looks curious, but Four says nothing more, instead gesturing to the other heroes to share their thoughts, which they do.

“Terminans.” Time offers. “Very similar to Hylians.”

“Ordonians.” Twilight adds with a fond smile. No explanation is needed.

The others all nod along, but Legend rolls his eyes. “Humans, like, non-Hylian humans, Shifters,” The vet stares upwards with a light scowl as he ticks the races off of his fingers. “Technically they’re humans too, but Wild counted the Sheikah and Gerudo, so there’s also the Lorulians, Labrynninians, Holodrumese folks, Hytopians, Drablanders, Subrosians, Catalians-” Legend frowns. “I could swear there are more but I can’t really recall.”

Time, for whatever reason, he can’t really say why, cocks his head. “Any water people other than Zora?”

The vet snaps his fingers. “Mer-folk! Thank you, Time. I guess fae and animal folk count on that note.”

There’s a scoff and Warriors is leaning forwards with a smirk. “Fairies and animals, sure, but mer? Seriously, Legend? Have you even met a mer before?”

“Many times.” The veteran drawls, cocking a brow in the captain’s direction. “On multiple adventures. What about you, cap? Jealous you couldn’t snag one for your guild of brides?”

Warriors blusters about indignantly, earning laughter from the others as Legend smirks, but the man recovers quickly enough. “I do not have a guild of brides! That is- that is utterly disgusting!”

“Could have fooled me.” Legend teases, sipping some water from a flask.

“Give him a break.” Twilight snickers, shoving the vet playfully.

The unfortunate thing about Twilight’s shoves though is that the ranch hand doesn’t seem to know his own strength, and Legend is small enough that the light push is enough to send him scrabbling to not hit the ground. More laughter rings about their camp, but this time at the vet's expense, as Legend topples over into the dirt, spilling his drink and failing his arms as he goes.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.” Legend huffs, pulling himself back up and dusts off his clothes, scowling at the water spilled on him. “Great.”

“Oh, come on, you came back soaked to the skin earlier, what’s a bit of water going to hurt you, huh, vet?” Warriors ribs, smirking.

Legend shoots him a half-hearted glare.

“Legend,” Time starts slowly. “How would you describe the mer?”

The vet pauses, gaze resting maybe a moment too long as his hands as he brushes off the hem of his tunic. He’s already done so and there’s really no reason for him to do it again, but he does anyway. “What you’d expect.” He shrugs haltingly. “Hylian on top, fish beneath. Tail, long hair, that sort of thing.”

The old man hums. Legends ears twitch, nose shivering slightly as violet eyes flit over their group. “Care to expand on your sky people story, Four?”

“I’m good.” The smithy replies lazily.

Time would pass it off as a strange one-time thing, he would, but there are... other factors at play.

They’ve traveled to Four’s time, fighting off monsters and solving puzzles the same as they’ve always done. The boys are taking some downtime, playing hide and seek, and just like the last time, Time takes himself down to the river they’ve made camp ear and dons his Zora gear.

He isn’t expecting to see the creature, the mer, again, much less hear them singing -after all, this is a Hyrule far before his Pup’s- but there the creature is. It- or they- frolic in the water, chasing fish and singing softly. The tune is lighter than the last one he heard, a different song entirely, but there is no denying that it is the same mer.

Gold flecked, petal pink scales shimmer beneath the twisted lights that invade the water, hair of the same colors flowing in the current as long fingers, tipped with pointed claws, reach out to swipe at the fish swimming wildly away. They don’t catch anything, but Time hears it giggle anyways, the tune of its voice bubbling in merriment as it rolls like and otter and turns to explore some other part of the river bed.

The cursed curiosity of a hero niggles in Time’s mind. How is the same mer from before in this timeline, ages before Twilight would even be born? And why do they play and explore as if they’ve never seen this river bed before in their life?

Long claws pull through sand, and although their hair blocks their face from his view, he can still hear the warble of delight as the creature removes something sparkling and bright from the river bed. The mer floats in place, turning the item over in their hands curiously before whisking it out of sight and returning to their search.

A mer that likes treasure, huh? Why is he unsurprised?

His own soft laugh startles them, and for a half of a moment, golden ringed, violet eyes, wide and bright and full of shock, meet his own.

The mer is gone before he can make a move.

He asks Legend about it the next day. As they travel along the path towards the nearest town, Time falls back to ask the vet more about mer.

“Do mer like treasure?”

Legend starts, eyes wide as they meet his own, and something in the back of his mind is nagging him that the look in the vet’s eyes is somehow familiar. “What?”

“Do mer like treasure?” He repeats himself.

Legend stares at him, blinking slowly as they continue along the path, but eventually the vet shakes his head and answers. “Depends on the mer. They’re people too, Time, they can have varying interests and hobbies. There is no standard for mer. None.”

“Don’t they all swim at least?”

Legend’s gaze is flat. “There are disabled Hylians aren’t there? Not all Hylians can walk, and not Mer can swim. Some just choose not to because they don’t like it!”

Time frowns. How does the vet know so much about mer culture? “How do you know this?”

The vet shrugs, eyes darting away. “I’ve been a lot of places and met a lot of people. Mer are no exception.”

“I thought you hated swimming and the water?” Wind breaks in, falling back to join the two of them with an odd look on his face. He looks like a puppy and it’s killing Time not to ruffle the kid’s hair.

“Didn’t always.” Legend returns, smiling wryly down at the sailor. “But enough of that. The real question here is if you’ve ever met one, sailor.”

“A mer?” Wind furrows his brow, looking away with a soft sigh. “The water in my world isn’t safe for the people who lived in it. There’s hardly even any fish in most places. The Zora in my time had to adapt to the air instead in order to survive.”

Awkward silence falls over them, the vet looking guilty for a half a moment before he settles a hand on the kid’s shoulder. “The goddesses aren’t always fair, Maliit, it’s not your fault.

Time hums his agreement, heart aching for yet another young hero and a world that suffered for Time’s failure to have properly saved it.

He sees the mer again. Not just when he’s in the water himself, but when he’s keeping watch during the night or on occasion when he goes fishing with Twilight. The Pup says nothing about seeing gold and pink beneath the water, but Time finds himself watching it all the same.

It darts beneath the dock they’re fishing on one time, and when Twilight’s line gets a tug, the rancher pulls it up only to find the one of his boots dangling from the other end.

Time can’t help it, he laughs.

So, this mer is a prankster, huh?

He takes to seeking them out, trying to catch their attention or try to talk to them, but nothing works. The minute that gold and violet eyes meet his own, petal pink scales flick deftly in the waves and the mer is swimming away.

But Time isn’t dumb.

He knows that the same mer cannot reasonably exist across all of time, not with all the changes that come to the world with each hero. He knows that this being is somehow following them, and h’s got a rather good idea exactly how it’s happening.

It’s a long shot, but he knows for a fact that Legend is always gone from camp before he sees the creature, and enough times startling the vet when asking about mer has taught him that the expressions between the two are the same. All he knows on the mer’s face is shock, but the vet’s eyes glimmer the same shade of violet, even if they are different in size and shape, and the petal pink hair that the vet comes out of the forest with one evening after their group was separated is uncannily similar to the shade of the mer.

They’ve made camp again, and rather than climbing into the water when he catches a moment alone, Time settles on the shore, not in the mood to be in the water but in need of its calming song. The air has been tense the past few days, and Time welcomes a brief moment to relax, forcing himself not to think of the gaping wound in his Pup’s side or the ragged breath that wheezes between the rancher’s lips.

Twilight will be fine, he reminds himself. Hyrule and Warriors had worked together to tend the wound and while it would definitely leave a scar, the danger of losing their beloved friend and brother (and maybe son?) is not so high anymore.

He welcomes a free breath, away from the hurt gazes of his boys as they try and process that their beloved canine friend and the rancher are one and the same. A chance to think without having to stop those who were out of the know from bombarding those who were in it with questions.

He’s glad to be free of the questions himself.

Legend seems to be too, if the glint of pink beneath the waves is to be believed.

He doesn’t approach this time, doesn’t try entering the water to speak. He’s tired and he wants his spae, and he imagines Legend would like his own too. So, instead, he sits on the bank, feet trailing in the water and ocarina on his lips as he plays softly.

The tune is a sweet one, one he’d written himself that lilts and dips softly, very nearly perfect for a dance, but far more suited to a night by a fire or watching the sunset. And sunset it is, fading light stretching out across the water, glinting of the surface and reflecting off of gold and pink-

He stops, eye wide as he turns towards the flash in his vision.

Gold and violet stare back at him, framed in curling pink as Legend freeze half-way through pulling on his tunic again.

Gold fades just as the scales dissapear and leave the vet siting on the shore, tunic still bunched around his shoudlers and violet eyes wide with fear as he regards his leader.

“I won’t tell.” Time forces, turning away his gaze and returning his focus to the instrument in his hand. He doesn’t play, but he doesn’t look up either.

“It’s an item.” Legend forces, strained. His voice is still tainted with whatever power had shifted him between forms, and it’s sweeter and more melodious than normal. “I found it on my third adventure. Got cursed.”

“Like the rancher?” Time hums softly, not having to look up to know that Legend is shifting nervously, foot tapping madly at the ground beneath him.

“Yeah.” Legend huffs.

“Okay.” And he does look up them, calm and as open as he can make himself seem as he meets the vet’s gaze.

“Just okay?” One brow cocks as Legend crosses his arms.

“Just okay. It’s your secret, Legend. I can’t change what I’ve seen, but I won’t tell the others either.”

Legend nods, wary bit willing to accept the words, if only for now. “If you say so.”

They’re on their way back to camp, Legend carrying an armload of fish and Time carrying both of their bags when the vet stops and glares at him. “I don’t want to hear any jokes, alright? I get enough of those from Twilight and Sky.”

“They know?” The old man tilts his head in question.

Legend flushes, ducking his head and setting off again at a speed some might label a scurry. “No. Hurry up, these fish are gonna rot!”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Waves lap around his head and it’s all Time can do to break the surface, coughing and hacking as he struggles to remain above the water.

The portal had come at the worst time ever, and no one had been ready to be dropped into the center of the ocean.

Lightning crackles overhead as waves swirl and crash about him. The ocean rages and Time is again reminded how small Hylian’s are in the face of Mother Earth herself.

“Boys!” The shout rasps from his throat as he spins to look about, praying to every deity he knows that he’ll find the rest of them safe and sound, or at the very least together. Never mind that Twilight still can’t walk, much less swim. Never mind the smithy’s shattered arm and Wild’s fear of the water. He can’t panic about those right now, he has to find them!

“Over here!” Sky’s voice answers him. The Chosen Hero clings to the shivering form of the smithy, both are soaked and trembling, but they’re managing to stay above the waves.

“My Hyrule!” Wind calls out as Time strikes out towards them, and the sailor continues once he’s close enough to see that at least five of his boys are safe. “We’re near land,” Wind nods in a random direction and Time wonders briefly how the sailor even knows that. “It could be a challenge in these waves, but we can make it. Have you seen the others?”

Hyrule looks up at him hopefully, the water-logged traveler fighting madly to stay above the water but succeeding despite the waves. Time reminds himself to help the boy learn to swim more effectively later, and more importantly how to properly tread water, but for now he focuses on answering Wind. “You're the firsts. We’ll have to hope the others are alright, getting y’all to safety is my first concern.

“But Wild!” Hyrule splutters, choking on some water as Time swims over to give the traveler someone to cling to. Freezing fingers latch ahold of his armor as teeth chatter, the waves are neither kind nor warm and with their health as it is he’s certain someone is going to end up with a cold when this is all over. “And Twilight! A-and Legend and Wars! They’re out there somewhere!”

“We have to hope Legend and Warriors can elp the other two. We can’t do them any good if we’re fighting to stay above ourselves.” He tries to same calm, but his own mind and heart scream with the same message that Hyrule’s voice does, and its all he can do to push it down.

Thunder rolls overhead and waves beneath as they push off towards the shore, each of the older heroes aiding a younger one as Wind guides them all towrads the supposed island.

Time hs never been so relieved to see sand in his life, and as Hyrule pulls himself up the bach and Wind helps Sky to settle Four, Time can only pray that he’ll find his way back again. “I’m going to look for the otehrs. Wind, stay and help Sky.” The sailor looks as if he wants to hesitate, but he knows better than anyone how a small body can be lost to the waves much easier than an adult. “Make a fire, warm up as best you can. Keep an eyes out. I’ll come back if- when I find the others.”

He stops only to shed his armor and don his Zora gear, but a single dive beneath the water is enough to tell him that it’s for naught. Wind wasn’t joking about his water being toxic, and a single breath of the stuff leaves Time heaving as soon as he breaks the surface.

His chances of finding the boys have lowered considerably.

Nayru above, don’t let anyone have sunk beneath!

Time swims for all he is worth, pushing past weariness as he battles each and every wave. And he’s just beginning to lose hope when he catches sight of something silver reflecting in the water as lighting flashes above.

“Time!”

Blue whips around to meet its twins as Warriors comes to swim beside him. “Have you found any of the others?”

“Wind, Sky, Hyrule and Four.” he breathes back. “You?”

The captian looks rueful but nods to his side. “Legend.”

Time can’t help but start as Legend’s eyes peek above the surface. Golden and violet are glassy in the pale ace of the vet, but they’re there and that means that Legend is alive.

“I’ve officially met my first mer.” Warriors sighs, but there’s worry in the captains voice and face both.

“Split up.” Legend’s voice rasps, and there none of the melodic song that Time is used to hearing from this form of the vet.

Legend is pale, far too pale.

“What’s-”

“Wind’s world.” Warriors tells him. “Water here is toxic.”

The water is toxic. The water, which mer have to breath to stay alive, is toxic.

Time’s gaze shoots to the vet but there’s only a flick of gold and pink as he disappears beneath the waves. Warriors groans.  “He keeps doing that! I swear, I have no way of knowing if he’s even still there, but he still insists on disappearing like the little shit he is.”

Usually, Time would scold his brother for such a tone, but he knows that Warriors is just sacred. He’s terrified, and it leaks into his voice and his actions, and the only way that the soldier knows how to hide the fear is by biting back with venom, not dissimilar to the vet’s own actions.

They swim together, searching and calling out for the two missing heroes. Hope is beginning to fade and Time can feel a gnawing fear eating away at his heart as he thinks of the gaping wound in his Pup’s side and the likelihood that Twilight would even be able to swim with it.

His pup’s chances aren’t high.

“Look!” Warriors shouts over the storm, jerking him from his thoughts as his eyes follow the captain’s pointing hand.

Pink bobs on the surface, backed by bedraggled and soaked black fur as Legend hauls Twilight’s limp form through the water.

“Pup!”

He’s taking the lad from Legend as soon as they’re in reach, and Legend seems to sag in relief as the weight is removed from his shoulder. “Was with Wild. Bring him to-” The vet wheezes and ducks beneath the water for a moment, coming up with a pained expression on his face. “Bring to shore. I’ll get Wild.” He gives them no time to respond, tail flicking as he disappears beneath the waves again.

Time and Warriors exchange a glance and head back to shore, supporting the weight of the rancher between them.

Wind and Sky have managed to get a virtual bonfire going on the shore, and the sailor has laid what blankets and bed-rolls he’s found of their equipment in front of it, allowing their dampened things to ry as he and the other three heroes bundle together for warmth.

It’s with a cheer that they al; greet Time and Warriors as the two emerge from the ocean, and Time can’t help but smile a bit in relief at seeing them all safe again. Only a little longer and Legend will be back with Wild, and then he can rest easy knowing they’re all out of the storm.

Rain still patters against already soaked skin and cloth, but with the fire flickering before them Time can’t bring himself to care over much.

Hyrule’s fingers shiver as they slide over the wound in Twilight’s side, cleansing it from the poisonous water that has soaked into the bandages, and while Twilight grits his teeth and winces, he’s at least conscious enough to do so, and that alone brings some peace to the others.

Warriors informs the others of the whereabouts of their two missing brothers, and Time helps to settle Twilight on one of the warming bedrolls. It made still be wet, but it’s better than getting sand in the pup’s wound.

They wait in tense silence, bundled together to share heat as nervous gazes watch the shore. Wind hasn’t stopped muttering under his breath and Four isn’t doing much better with his half formed sentences and steady murmurs.

It’s only when Wild’s golden hair can be seen on the shore that they all release a breath of air.

Cornflower blue is wide and glazed, likely from shock, but it doesn’t stop the champion from reaching back into the waves to pull out his companion.

Legend is a mess.

The veteran gasps and splutters for breath once he’s free, skin a sickly shade of white and eyes just as glazes as Wild's own as the two clings to each other, and when the two stand together Legend is leaning heavily against the shaking champion, and it’s only through sheer luck that Time and Sky get there in time to catch them before the duo collapses back into the waves.

Wild curls against Time’s chest, fingers shaking and eyes blank as the man carries him back to the fire. Legend doesn’t even stir, lying limp in Sky’s hold as the Skyloftian bustles back to join the other heroes.

Nothing is said about the glistening tail that fades into legs once Legend is warmed and dried, and even if anyone had dared the stern gaze of the first of their number would have been enough to silence them.

Violet blinks hazy and distant beneath the warmed fabric of Sky’s sailcloth, but they are all safe. They are all safe and they are alive.

“Thanks to Legend.” Wild whispers when he comes back, head resting against Times collar bone. “Without him I would have never got Twi back to shore.”

“Three cheers for the vet.” Wars forces a smile, and while the cheers are heartfelt and thankful, they do nothing to lighten the mood.

Legend doesn’t even seem to hear them.

[lustbile]

The Journal

TenxReader

Word Count: 7.3k+

Summary/Warnings: Smut with plot, semi public, a lot of biting, mentions of supernatural and just general weirdness, and small amount of blood play

Apart of the Club X series: Masterlist (can be read alone or within the series, but unlike others it might just be the slightest amount confusing)

“So that’s what you’re into now,” your best friend’s voice is bored and distant, her task of wiping down the bar that stretched out in front of her taking a majority of her attention away from the babbling you’ve tried to subject her to since you entered the empty restaurant only about 20 minutes before, “weird demon sex clubs?”

—

—

“Ah ah, I never said they were demons,” you correct quickly, the thought of defending yourself never crossing your mind as you petulantly slap your hands against the polished wood, “I just said it was…. weird.”

“Weird is an understatement,” she scoffs quietly as she turns to dip her dirtied rag back into the bleach water and ring it out, “I mean look, I’ve always been supportive in the witchy stuff you’ve been into but this…. is a bit much.”

“I don’t see how this is any different than any other thing I’ve read into.”

“Oh you don’t see?” you finally manage to pull her attention towards you as she harshly slaps the rag back onto the wood with a stern glare pulled on her pretty features, “you’re talking about vulnerability and abandoned warehouses and public sex. That last one is definitely new.”

You fully expected this type of response, only hoping she’d be busy enough that you would dodge the motherly scolding she liked to give you when you pitched your schemes to her with your eyes wild and wide, but nevertheless, she was completely right.

It came from an old book, tattered and torn from being flipped through one too many times, that you found at your favorite antique store. The store itself was already notorious with your tight inner circle of friends as the creepy shop that was corrupting your brain, a constant taunt being that the little old woman that ran it was the actual devil and she was just waiting for the right time to jump you and eat you whole, but this did nothing to stop you from visiting at least once a week.

But the book, it was different from any other you had found. It was completely handwritten, including amazingly done sketches in a deep unfading ink, and spoke of outlandish things.

Some were easily brushed off, like a murder that happened in the 50’s that was known to stay in the mouths of the older folks, both to them and the book it was widely believed to be the doing of some long tongued and wild eyed creature, until a local sweet old man admitted on his deathbed that it was instead his one crime of passion.

He had been a young soldier that snuck into his lover’s room one night, and upon learning that she was to marry a nice lawyer the day after he was meant to deploy, his mind went blank and his hands were carving out her heart. He luckily escaped any questioning after being shipped off, and once he returned home he captured the heart of a pretty young girl and lived out a long life sitting on top of a horrid truth.

So yeah, stories of those sorts, having been solved in your lifetime, meant very little to you, but the one you were going on about now, meant the world.

The writing looked like it had been put down by a panicked chicken rather than the woman who’s name was written neatly in the front. It lived in some of the pages towards the back of the small book and spoke of a dark club. Club X.

She went on and on about stumbling across the club purely by accident, and meeting another woman with glittering eyes. Graphic details of being taken in the middle of the dance floor with a million eyes looking but not fully seeing her as she fell apart against a dancing and eager tongue made your heart thump lodged in your throat. But the more and more she visited the club, the more incoherent her words became, but towards the end the writing had become stained and obscured by a deep brown stain, before it stopped altogether.

Thankfully, the details of where the building was was completely visible regardless of being the thoughts of a mad woman, and with a lot of thinking and staring at the town map, you’ve come to believe that you knew exactly where the mysterious club stood.

Only a street down from the restaurant you sit in now.

“Listen, I know it sounds ridiculous, and it probably is, but what’s the problem with just going to check right?” you scramble to pull the delicate book from the bag that sits in the stool beside you as your friend moves closer and closer to where you sit, laying it flat to show her the page you’ve had bookmarked since you read it, “and look at the name she puts, I think it’s the man who ran it and it’s a long shot, but maybe he’s still alive, or if not maybe some family is! Right here, Asm-“

“Don’t say it again,” she’s quick to interrupt, sliding her free hand to hover above the page you’ve glued your eyes to, “I don’t wanna hear any old man names, especially that one it gives me the ick.”

“It’s just a name,” murmur to yourself, but move to put the book away regardless, “but anyways, I have something that most people who were going to the club didn’t, knowledge of what exactly I’m walking into. I can just go and look around, worst things worst its still a freaky sex club and I just go home, but I’m willing to bet this lady was just off the shits and its just an empty building with some funky vintage beer bottles that you can add to your collection.”

You feel like you’ve won an award you weren’t even trying to compete for when she finally breaks out into a soft smile. The huff that leaves her chest is endeared, and you swear your heart began to vibrate when she reached to run a gentle thumb across the swell from your cheekbone.

“Fine, do what you want, but if the bottle isn’t completely intact when you find it I don’t want it.”

“So you’re not coming with me?” your head tilts to the side in confusion as with things of this nature in the past, she’s always followed along to ensure that you didn’t do anything to stupid. You never felt like the company was fully necessary, but it was appreciated regardless.

“Baby, as much as I’ve enjoyed your info dumping you’ve done tonight, the other person that was meant to clean with me had to leave early with a stomach bug so I’m busy pulling a clean up job that’s truly a job for about five people. But you seem to really believe in this little adventure of yours,” she leaves the rag in a damp mass next to the stack of dirty glasses beside you to take your hands in her’s, her slightly wrinkled fingers are still warm and the way they lace with yours makes you feel like nothing in the world could hurt you, “besides, you’re as smart as a whip and I know you have me on speed dial. I trust you.”

——

You no longer love the feeling of being trusted.

When your friend had given you the heartfelt speech only a little over half an hour ago, you felt like you had been put on a nice pedestal before she handed you a cookie with a pat on the head.

Now the “cookie” had turned to rot in your belly and you were faced with your own perfectly dreamed up reality.

It was already late by the time you had walked into the restaurant your friend works at, the sun already setting and the last few customers gathering their things and paying the bills, so once you got her stamp of approval and we’re heading out the door, the only light left was a bright and full moon, and flickering street lights.

You took your time walking in the direction that your book and personal sleuthing had pointed you in, the closer and closer you got to the one warehouse in town that seemed to never be bought back from the city, the knots in your belly pulled tighter and tighter.

But regardless of the almost painful twist in your gut, you surprisingly almost missed the building in its entirety.

It was as if your entire being blocked out the thumping bass that shook the sidewalk and the blinding red light that spilled from beneath the entrance and out the fractured windows. Your brain trying to force itself from entering the building you spent so many weeks trying to locate.

But the way your heart thuds in your chest when you stand in front of the entrance is something you couldn't even pretend you didn’t feel.

Your tongue digs into the side of your jaw, and you're confused at the feeling of warm tears burning at your waterlines. It’s exactly the way the owner of the journal described it in her manic writings, weirdly exact considering the other stories that surrounded it that dated it back far before you were even born.

You want to go in, the shaking steps your legs take is evident to that, but the tense muscles of your shoulders and stomach makes you hesitate and even grumble out into the air.

You almost jump out of your skin when you hear a shuffling to your side, your throat tensing when you look over, and are put slightly at ease when you see two men who you assume are acting as some type of security. You almost expect them to look up and ask you for some type of ID when you’re being very weird and blatant about your presence, but they seem too preoccupied with the dim screens of their phones and the way they lean forward at different times as if they’re waiting for someone.

Your hands are shaking slightly as they scramble down to grab for your bag, desperately looking for something to occupy you to walk by them without being even more weird, and when your fingers wrap around the flaking leather that binds the book, you grab it like a lifeline.

Your fingers flip through the pages with perfect muscle memory as you trip up the few steps that lead to the door, the tabs you carefully placed on the first page mentioning the club not even necessary with the way you could find the page even in your sleep.

You subconsciously hold your breath when you walk past the two men, almost as if the book is instead something wildly illegal and you're trying to sneak past your parents, and your washed with a temporary wave of relief when you pass through the doors without even a glance from the two.

Though the relief is stolen from your bones the second your feet touch the floor of the club.

It’s as if you’ve entered a place you’ve known your whole life, and from the amazing descriptions from the woman in the past, its not a completely surprising feeling.

But another part of you feels like this is the first time you’ve seen human beings in the flesh.

You can't help but to feel like you must look like an absolute nerd as you pull the book up to your face as you start to survey the club, but thankfully the book told at least one truth, and many of the club goers are too busy grouping and grinding against one another to even acknowledge your existence.

More truths come to light as you flick your eyes between the pages and the walls.

The bar is still tucked in the same far corner as she described, the flittering red and blue lights making it feel like a beacon of calm regardless of it being surrounded by drunken forms and its intimidatingly pretty bartender.

The dj is just a stoic and unimpressed looking as the one from so many years ago as he subconsciously bobs to the beat that he creates as he messes with the nobs and switches in front of him. He’s actually so similar, you wonder if you were right and the owner did have family floating around, and maybe the dj is one of them.

You stumble further into the room as you pick out small details she wrote about so lovingly. Your legs carry you to the back of the building as you smile at the sight of the wine stain the writer claimed to have created when her lover shocked her with a playful bite to the neck.

You almost feel like the universe is gifting you everything you could have possibly asked for when you see the loose board that she said a friend of hers would always trip over, and electricity zips up your spine in excitement when you spots the large painting that still hangs over the booth she claimed as her favorite, and she meticulously sketched out next to a paragraph about what she thought the artist was feeling.

All these things though, lead to the things that make your jaw hang slightly open.

The large balcony above you is larger than you ever imagined. The hundreds of bright red carnations she loved to sketch drip from the golden bars like water, and the black velvet curtains that hang over the room it leads to look heavy enough that they suffocate someone if they fell.

She seemed so intensely in love with the place you stand in, and the woman she met there, and those emotions were more than evident from the way the recreated the energy of the club with her words and art. Which only tips you towards the part that caught your attention perhaps the most.

It was exactly where it was meant to be. Just below the balcony that hangs high on the wall, gaping wide and dark like the mouth of a hungry monster coaxing you to enter its throat. The only issue that you can see being the hanging rope that blocks you from entering, but with only shining bright clasps holding it onto hooks on the walls, you don’t think you're above sneaking past it with little guilt.

The hall was the one thing that taunted you the most about the story the woman spun in the little worn book. The empty and dark vass space being something that coaxed her as well, but unfortunately for you, and maybe her as well, the parts of her journal that began the tale of her passing the temping rope, was the exact spot that was stained with bleeding ink and a suspicious brown color.

You survey the space around you, looking for anyone that could possibly be a worker or just a stickler for the rules, but seeing as everyone in your range of vision was attached by the mouth on someone’s neck or sloppy lips, you figured you were in the clear.

You drop the book gently back into your bag before you step slowly forward. Your heart feels like a wild animal trying to break out of the cavity of your chest, and it feels like your intestines have been successfully replaced with writhing worms that are desperately trying to reach your gut. You feel heat traveling up your chest and neck, and as you get within a few feet of what feels like the end of your life, your body begins to shake.

If you had the ability, you would have screamed, and if you had the strength, you would have fought back. But right when you're about to reach the threshold of the hall, and right when you feel like your legs are about to collapse from underneath you, strong fingers clasp over your trembling mouth, and an arm wraps tightly around your waist.

You’re turned faster than you can blink, the sudden motion making your brain swirl in your skull and making you go lightheaded and dizzy. And while keeping their hand clasped tightly over your mouth, the person that cages you in slams your back into the cold wall and knocks the air from your lungs.

The eyes that meet you are cat-like and dancing wildly, the grin the man you're faced with now smiles at you wickedly, and when your hands dart up until your nails dig harshly into the skin of his forearms, his smile only widens.

“Now,” he starts, the remains of a chuckle shaking his chest and his words slightly, “what exactly are you up to?”

You wait for a moment for him to release you from his hold, and when after a minute or so he still hasn’t budged, all you can offer in response is an annoyed arched brow.

“What?” he has the audacity to ask with taunting sincerity, “you thought you were smart enough to go wandering around, so you should be smart enough to figure out a way to talk around my hand right?”

It’s with immense irritation that you realize the two possibilities you’re faced with.

From the book you know about the weird concept of soul mates or whatever they were meant to be. The woman and the mysterious dancing girl she met so many years ago, and similar stories from the friends she met during her many visits to the club who had almost identical tales that she had to recount.

So with that information you know the possibility of this grinning man being your person is high, but your person or not, he was lighting a fire in your chest regardless.

You don’t think or even weigh the negatives before you send him a hard glare, and you show very little hesitation when you push forward to sink your teeth into the first finger you can catch.

His yelp is covered by the blaring music, but you hear it loud and clear before he reaches his free hand up to pinch at the bridge of your nose to pull you off like a rabid kitten.

“You know what I’m up to,” you huff petulantly as you lean back into the wall with your arms folding over your chest, “or at least I’d assume you’d be smart enough to use your context clues right?”

His lip curls when he glances back up to you as he pets at his now bruising finger, but even with the thin veil of irritation on his pretty features, you can tell he enjoys the sarcastic tone you’ve adopted.

“Yeah you’re sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong,” he bites back as he steps closer, crowding your personal space and pushing his chest tightly against yours, “you’re lucky I’m who caught you and not boss man.”

“Boss man?” you ask, trying not to show you excitement over him spilling the treasured information about the club that you want so desperately.

He doesn’t answer you verbally, and the sly wink he throws at you shocks you more than you would like to admit, but when he tilts his head back quickly you don’t hesitate to follow his line of sight to the edge of the balcony.

If it weren’t for the thin wires of light that create hatching over his eyes and mouth, you probably would have missed the masked figure that leers at you from over the railing. His hands and shoulders are covered by the masses of flowers, and the hollow black where he hides his eyes stares down at you two with a look that you assume is annoyance and possible curiosity.

The moment you two look up, the figure jerks back. Your eyes flick quickly between him and the man in front of you, and from the bratty grin he wears as he looks up, you feel as if the masked man didn’t have any intention at being caught.

You get lost slightly in staring at the man pressed against you, his teeth that look sharper in the red lighting and his eyes twinkle in mischief, and even with the obnoxious start to your interaction, you’d be lying to say you don’t find him beautiful.

It takes you a second to regain your senses, tearing your eyes away from the fascinating side profile of the man, but when you glance back up to the balcony, the mask man has retreated back.

“He doesn’t like much when we take people back there before they’re ready,” he attempts at an explanation as he turns back to you, and seems unfazed when he misses the mark and just confuses you further, “he let the two goons outside have a little exception, but that's because they don’t know how to go easy y‘know.”

“No,” you shake your head at him with a quiet scoff, “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I think you know more than you think,” his voice drops as he speaks now, and as he speaks he reaches out his hand to hold himself propped against the wall next to your head while his other hand moves to run gently up the side of your neck, “I mean, you know who I am at least right?”

“I have an idea,” you admit with a huff, but you also admit to yourself that this probably means you won't be getting into the hall. You do mentally jot that down as a loss, but decide to take the man pressed against you as a win and you reach to grab at his shirt in retaliation, “but you could at least give me a name to work with.”

“Hm, I didn’t expect you to be one for such formalities,” his head tilts in amusement at his own words, and the action nudges the tip of his nose into yours and makes your heart flutter up into your throat, “but you might as well know the name of the man you’ll be destined to fall in love with.”

You roll your eyes hard enough for them to start to ache, and he quietly laughs and moves to press his nose into the soft flesh of your cheek as he feeds off your annoyance.

“Ten,” he answers quietly, his lips brushing the shell of your ear as he moves to whisper the syllable in your ear, and you never thought that with just one word he’d have a shiver rushing up your spine.

You respond quietly with your name, but the word comes out strained and rushed when he begins to nibble on the lobe of your ear and pushes his knee harshly between your thighs.

Both your hands now hold tightly onto the sides of his shirt, and when his lips move to trail against the side of your neck that isn't enveloped by his hand, you tug roughly at the fabric and your back arches slightly away from the wall.

His tongue is hot when he lays it flat on the center of your throat, and when he swipes it up until it flicks against the end of your chin, you can't help but cringe slightly at the feeling regardless of the way it makes heat pool in between your thighs.

The wicked grin on his face never falters, it only grows wider and more hungry when your eyes meet again, and with his staring so deep that you fear he may be collecting every ounce of your soul, you two have a silent agreement on the unnatural waves of electricity that connect you.

When his lips finally land on yours, it's the roughest and clumsiest kiss you’ve experienced. Both of you fight each other with hungry and eager tongues and the way your teeth gently knock together has your skull rattling in a way that, if you weren’t so hell bent of devouring each other whole, you’d probably have to take a breather.

Your hands reluctantly release the wrinkled fabric of his shirt, and in a desperate attempt to stay occupied, they shoot up the tangle tightly into his hair. You admit, you probably tug harsher on the strands than you probably should, but the groans he pours into your mouth, and the way his hips rock roughly into yours, has you tugging again and again.

He presses you further and further into the wall, and without thinking your hips begin to kick and tilt down until you're grinding harshly and sloppily against his tense thigh.

You let out a quiet whine that's muffled and garbled by his moving at the feeling of him pressing his thumb gently into the dip beneath your jaw, and pressing into your jugular. The sound is followed almost immediately by a small yelp when he latches his teeth to your bottom lip and gives you a stinging bite.

You’re frustrated almost immediately with the lack of friction you can feel from the layers of clothing between you, and now the slight shooting pain from the tensing skin between his teeth, you can feel the impatience in your belly crawling up and invading your chest and throat.

He’s quick to pull away when you retaliate with your own nipping bite to his top lip, your teeth still sinking down when he does and making his sting probably just as much as yours. And when he eyes you as his eyelids droop down into an accusatory squint, you assume he’s not used to getting a taste of his own medicine.

He mutters something to himself about your feistiness, and a sly comment about how he shouldn’t be surprised as he was expecting to get a handful, but he gives you no time to make a snide comment or even question about any of the words, before his fingers are closing firmly but loosely around your neck.

He keeps you rooted in the spot that you stand, the only change in your posture he allows is pulling you slightly away from the wall, just wide enough for him to slink behind you and tug you roughly back into his chest.

“You like poking around into business that isn’t yours?” he asks rhetorically as his free hand reaches around your shoulder to push past the neckline of your shirt, and right as he pressed down the center of your chest and his fingers brush the bottom of your rib cage, his fingers curl and he starts to drag his blunt nails up your sternum as he continues, “need to know and see every single little thing right? So… what’s the harm of being on the other side of it for once?”

“What are you on about?” you as sharply as you try to turn your face towards him the best you can, but his hand tilts under the bottom of your chin until your head is forced to lean on his shoulder and he’s nothing but thrilled at the way it makes you struggle.

“To be seen, or not?” he presses his lips back against the shell of your ear, and the way he whispers roughly makes you shiver again as your thighs press tightly together, “you know what I mean, and you know the answer I want, but its all up to you in the end.”

The electric and slightly humiliating buzz of being seen in a mass of bodies committing the same sins as you was something the woman in the book went on about frequently. She mentioned that there were a few times where she and her lover snuck off to get alone time of course, but the almost blinding pleasure that came from being worshiped by not only one person, but the eyes of an entire room, was addictive. And you wanted just a taste.

You grumble in response, the idea of admitting to the already confident man that you did indeed wanted the same amount of attention as he did made your chest burn even more than it already was, and you’d rather take your chance with his terrifying looking boss than to give him the satisfaction of your verbal confession.

He seems unaffected by your nonverbal confirmation, the way you press into him as his hand wraps around your waist again and creeps down to the button of your shorts, and your own hand grabbing onto the sleeve of his rolled up long sleeve shirt to guide him to undo the clasp or just dip below the waistband, is enough of an answer for him to know.

He chooses to pop the button, and once he has the zipper pulled down enough that he can work with, he begins to shove the worn denim down your hips along with your underwear until they are wrapped around your knees and he can push his fingers roughly between your thighs.

You try to clear the fog that he creates in your mind from his teasing fingers long enough to reach your free hand back to give the same treatment to the dark jeans that wrap tightly around his hips and thighs in a way that had you mentally drooling from the moment you got to get a full look at him, after he ambushed you of course.

You’re not sure how he undid your shorts so quickly without being able to see, but as you fumble and scratch your nails against the sensitive skin of his hip, you give yourself the benefit of the doubt seeing as your trying to work while his middle and ring fingers tease over your entrance and the heel of his hand presses clumsily into your neglected clit.

He, on the other hand, doesn’t give you any benefit of the doubt. He at least has the decency to press his lips across your cheekbone and temple to muffle his quiet laughs, but to make your task even more difficult, his fingers shallowly curl up into you just enough to make you twist and curl.

Once the button of his jeans finally releases, you instinctively let out a huff and sink your shoulders back into his chest as you reach past the fabric to wrap your hand around his stiff length and pull it from the confines until you can press it against his lower belly. And you get just one tally on your side of the boards you’ve created in your mind when his amused laughs devolves into pleased grunts and tilting hips.

“Please,” you start quietly, trying to rock more against the parts of his hand that press against you while running your palm up and down the length of him and smearing him with his own pre come, “I can tell you’re just as impatient as me.”

He swears in your ear, using his hold on you with both hands to shift your hips up and pull you closer before he clears his throat to speak, “well could you imagine, looks like we are a match made in heaven.”

“More like hell,” you retaliate, digging the heel of your own palm into the skin just below the tip of him to egg him on even further, “but either way, that's the point isn't it?”

“I should have expected you to be just a little bit of a smart ass,” he mutters a half hearted complaint, but he only contradicts his own words when he pushes your hips away enough for you to guide him between your thighs and to glide against the arousal that spilled from your body and his hands spread messy along any available inch of skin.

He thrusts smoothly against your back a few times, bringing his arm down to guide him towards your entrance painfully slow, but when you let out a gravely moan of his name, he cant deny himself for any longer, and he’s sinking into you until your eyes start to gently flutter.

Once he’s seated inside you, his hand tenses slightly tighter around your neck, and when you both start pushing towards each other to meet in the middle of your thrusts, his other hand takes the opportunity to map any inch of you he can reach.

He gropes almost painfully at your chest, traveling over your stomach and up your shirt to dig his fingers into your skin until you swear he’s tattooed his finger prints onto you, all while nipping and lapping at the skin of your jaw and neck.

No one immediately in front of you is watching, they’re all in their own worlds of flesh and saliva, but you can still feel eyes of someone on you. His first and foremost as they burn holes into the side of your skull and glance to watch where you push back against him desperately, but there’s another feeling you get of being seen and studied thats so intense that you’re a little shocked when you chance a glance up and see that whoever the masked person was from earlier wasn’t there at all.

So no, you have no idea who, or what is watching you right now, but you can feel the unusual heat it stirs in you as your body flutters around him as he fucks you sloppily. You feel a deeper relation to the woman that owned the book that still rests in the bag that feel unceremoniously from your shoulder when he first put his hands on you, and you hope that maybe you’ll eventually slip into the life of bliss that she meticulously wrote about and possibly learn what happened that demolished the stories that lived in the back of the journal.

You could feel the pleasure crawling up your spine like a monster out creature, your panting breaths tipping the man that works you over off to this even though you’re sure he was already aware before you were, and you think your legs are back to the edge of collapsing when his creeping fingers dance along the expanse of your stomach to find their place back between your thighs.

Your back stiffens at the first touch of his rolling finger on your clit, and your head tilts even farther back onto his shoulder than he already had it. He doesn’t seem interested in coaxing you to your finish slowly, at a pace that would have mercy on your melting mind and shaking form, but he instead abuses your clit until your whimpering out and stumbling and stepping slightly on his toes.

You feel like you’re waiting out the suspense of a horror film that’s score is too obvious to the incoming jump scare. You tilt your neck in a way that seems normal to him, but in reality your trying to feel the many rings that decorate his fingers with the delicate skin of your throat to test if any of them could possibly be sharp enough to cut you and draw blood. You know what blood means to him, and you know it's something he’ll have to do soon if he truly can feel how close you are to the edge.

You feel like you’re floundering a bit, confused from the possible deviation from the story you’ve committed to memory. Was there any chance in this world that this wasn’t your person?

You push this thought away as soon as your panicked mind can construct it though, because there’s no way the spell that it feels has been placed on you would be there if that was the truth, and your body is heated almost like a furnace, but you suddenly love the idea of being burned by him.

You pull in a gasping breath of air that pierces through the music and grunting that rattles in your ears, the taste of your orgasms dancing on the back of your tongue and your back arching so harshly you fear that one of your muscles might seize up and cramp. And right when you feel his hips start to stutter in tandem with yours, and when you’re only seconds from blabbering out mixed syllables that you could only hope would come out as a coherent question, you feel it.

His teeth latch onto you again, his canines not sharp enough to make a clean cut as they dig into the muscle of your shoulder, but his determination is strong enough.

It burns painfully, and makes hot tears well up in your eyes, but almost embarrassingly, is the exact thing that pushes you scrambling over the edge.

You feel like it hurts to breathe, your lungs so focused on letting out puffs of air and broken moans that they can't seem to remember how to bring oxygen in, and your eyes roll for a completely new reason for the man and much more painfully.

It’s when you feel him start to suck the rushing blood from your newly christened wound that you also feel the rumble of his groans against your skin and feel him start to come inside of you. His fist tightens again around your neck as he pushes aftershocks through your nerves with his own orgasm, and with flying hands you grab at both of his wrists, not to ask in any way for him to ease up, but from a sudden wash and need to hold onto him possibly until you die.

He lets you collapse to the floor once he pulls out, but he follows your sinking form and sits alongside you and partially underneath you as you both try to catch your breath.

The club scene in front of you is now blurs of flashing lights and abstract writhing forms, and if it wasn’t for the zaps of energy you feel from every brush of his finger tips, your brain would probably be too muddled to register him fixing both your clothes and his.

You become just slightly more aware when he shifts your body against him enough to grab at the strap of your bag with the heel of his shoe, and you try to sit up faster than necessary and give yourself a small head rush when he pulls it to himself and flips it open.

“You seemed a little weirdly unaffected by the whole,” he flails his hands in front of you for a second as he speaks, and your lagging mind takes a second to catch up with his attempts at implication, “not the fucking part clearly,” he teases, “but the leading up to it. The meeting part and all.”

“I know what this place is,” you admit, and if your legs had gained just a bit more strength you probably would have stood and requested a glass of water just from how gravely your voice had become, “I knew I was probably going to run into you.”

“But you weren’t looking for me,” he tries, and fails, at hiding the slight edge of offense his voice shows, “if you knew I was here why didn’t you look for me?”

“I didn’t worry about it,” you say, warming up a bit again in the fear that it may have come off slightly rude, “or, like, I mean I knew you’d be able to find me easier than I could find you. I was more interested in finding answers.”

“Answers to what? You said you knew this place, or at least what it is?”

“Well I only know the basics,” you shift in his hold, knocking his hands away as they sift through your bag, and grabbing blindly until you can pull out the book, “I found this journal and it-“

“A journal?” he asks in a volume that could have been obnoxiously loud if it weren’t for the thumping bass that shook the floor beneath you, and pulls the small book from your hands.

“It was written by a woman who came here a long time ago,” you explain, deciding to not take offense to his rough and grabbing hands, “I found it and tracked the club down, I needed to see if it was real.”

“Oh it's real alright,” he laughs as he starts to flip through the pages, stopping for a moment to smile at a simple sketch she had done of a cat that she said lived in the back alley, “hey wait I think I know this name, and these people.”

“What are you on about?” you ask with a scoff as you tug the book from his grubby fingers, “you can’t possibly know these people, this was written in like the fifties. Stop pulling my leg.”

“Oh I see,” he smacks your thigh playfully as he leans over your shoulder to glance at the first page that mentioned anything about the date, the ink clear enough to read 1953 in the swirling handwriting, “you think you know everything.”

“I do know everything, fuck you,” you glare playfully at him over your shoulder, “or I would know, if you’d let me go into that weirdo hall.”

“No hall, for now at least,” he sighs, the gears in his head turning as he thinks of the next thing to say, “but you know, time doesn’t exist the same way here, the woman who wrote this probably didn’t know that at the time, so I’m not surprised you don’t either.”

“What do you mean time doesn’t exist?” you look at him as if he’s grown a second head, but do you really have the nerve to question him like that? Considering that entire concept of the club you are very aware of its existence now, a time situation shouldn’t be the most shocking should it?

“Well, it's hard to explai-“

“Then don’t explain it,” you almost jump fully out of his lap at the deep voice that rattles above you, and both him and you look up at the figure that looms over you now.

The man is tall, his black hoodie looking weird in contrast to the clothes of the other club goers, and with a squinting observation and a familiar and annoyed sigh from the man seated behind you, you realize you’re being stared down by the mysterious entity that is the DJ, his hands shoved deep into his hoodie pocket in annoyance.

“Huh?” Ten lets out more in the form of a noise than a word, as his arms wind tightly around your form.

“I said don’t explain shit,” the man begins to tap his foot in irritation as he speaks, and you wonder if he’s aware that he’s in rhythm with the song that surrounds you, “you need to chill out with the loose tongue, its bad enough we have the big mouths outside.”

“I wasn’t gonna go that far,” Ten sounds reminiscent of a scolded toddler, and considering the man is hindering you from getting information that you wanted so badly, you can feel yourself mirroring the pout he wears, “I know what I’m doing alright man? Why are you over here anyways, shouldn’t you be at your little booth minding your business.”

“No one minds their business over at that booth, and you should know that better than anyone pervert,” the words are sharp, but the curl to his lips and the underlying playfulness to his tone tells you the likeliness of them being friends is high, “anyways, I know we don’t follow any regulations or anything here, but I’m still gonna take a fuckin’ break or two.”

“Well breaks over,” Ten reaches out a hand to playfully swat the man away, “I didn’t wait this long for you to just interrupt my bonding time with my person alright?”

“Alright, alright,” he finally starts to shuffle away, throwing one last comment about Ten being bitter his person showed up first over his shoulder with a grin.

“What a loser,” Ten starts, looking at you playfully and rolling his eyes, “too bad he’s like my best friend or whatever.”

“You seem to have a lot of fun around here don’t you?” you take a shot at voicing your observations, your heart fluttering in a completely new way at the warm smile he shoots you.

“Just wait a see, my love. Just wait and see.”

[hyukmoon]

moon. | l.sy x gn!reader

lee sangyeon x gn!reader

word count: about 4.01k

to put it short: congrats! Something you should actually say, right? Your best friend and crush is getting married in two days and you feel,... well, not very good about it. So, wait... he's returning the feelings? Damn.

content warning: ANGST in capital letters, I would add lots of exclamation points but im lazy. So yeah, hella angsty. Some good old making out, it's kind of heavy at some point but no smut at this point lol. I don't condone any of the done actions, so yeah, I would've personally handled everything differently, but you know, y/n is kinda wild. Very awkward sometimes, but that's more the situation in itself. ALSO, NOT PROOFREAD

taglist: @loki-in-hogwarts

note: the second thing i wrote and im somewhat excited!!! Yes! Exclamation points. So,... thanks for reading :)

It was a great day. Well, at least seemingly for everyone but you. Your best friend in this world Sangyeon was about to get married to the love of his life, who is notyou and now you just stand in the hotel lobby waiting for it to happen. Funnily enough, the crushing feeling of desperation and fear didn’t seem to set in yet.

The hotel lobby was filled to the brim with acquaintances and other guests possibly confused by the uproar of the wedding guests. So, who were you specifically waiting for? The rest of your friend group, the ones who will most likely clean up after the wedding whatever will be left of you.

A nervous smile swept up to your lips, casually just avoiding every sort of tension that could come across you. Just with the luck of this entire occurrence an older woman started to approach you, demon alike features spreading around her face almost like she knew you were apparently the only single person here. An aunty, that wasn’t even related to you but had all the business to judge.

“Are you here for the bride or the groom?”, her sweet voice rang a familiar feeling in your stomach. Almost too sweet, making you suspicious of her intent. “I’m here for my best friend, Sangyeon. So, yeah, for the groom.”, you hesitated a second, “What about you though? Do you know the bride?”

“She’s my youngest niece, the only one that still visits, her sisters don’t even care anymore…” You nodded politely, not wanting to anger her now and stepped towards a different direction.

“So, my dear, are you here with anybody?” You already feared that question, the same as always. The eyes of yours started with a panicked expression searching through the room a familiar pair. “No, I am here on my own. I kinda wanted to focus on getting Sangyeon through with it, being there for him.” As a friend.

Possibly this was the first part of feeling despair and fear. People at this wedding were really waiting for them to get married. They weren’t joking, this would change everything.

“Ah, I see. You know, get over him. Well, it is time for you at least, you’re not getting younger. There are quite few handsome men here. I remember the names Juyeon and ah yes! Kevin, get over here!” As far as you were concerned, your facial expression couldn’t possibly look more stunned than a moment ago, yet another one of your good friends appeared, seemingly just as confused.

This only held on for a good second, Kevin knew exactly what to do. “Oh hi, I’m so sorry to steal [Y/N] away from you, but I actually need to talk to them on my own over a gift we both prepared for the couple!”, he grinned at the lady, who was obviously smitten with him. “Yes, of course, hun. Take your time.” She finally hushed into a separate direction.

“So, how are we doing? You seem kinda… stressed.”

“You don’t say”, you sighed, “if I have to go through a conversation like this again today, believe me I’ll-. “

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I get the sentiment. Even though I meant more the other situation. Like in, Sangyeon getting married and you sitting here all grumpy because of it.”, Kevin was already aware of your “small” infatuation with your best friend, a man too far out of your reach also funnily enough, the man’s wedding you’re attending. However, your friend in front of you didn’t seem to mind talking about it out loud in a place like the hotel lobby. Your lips tightened up into a fine line.

“I’m not grumpy! I just…I don’t really know what to do. I mean, I know I’m going to be there for him but yeah, okay, I might feel a bit grumpy.” The lobby did clear up a lot now.

“Okay, oof. There’s this dinner with everyone in the evening today, do you think you can get through that?”, Kevin asked hesitantly just as stressed with this additional complication.

“I mean, I probably have to, don’t I? This makes me so sick, ugh. Not gonna lie, my stomach feels like a laundry machine.” You laughed quietly and drifted off again into a place where you didn’t need to think about this.

“What did you really expect though? You know I love you, respectfully, but like, this feels like an incredibly bad move to do.”

“Don’t you think it would be worse if I didn’t show up at all? I’ll just need to go through this weekend and I’m outta here. No one will know anything.” It might feel like a nightmare but at least a nightmare you can actually run away from and not actually have to face at some point.

“Well, I hope you’ll keep your confidence. Because imagine I saw the person, I love getting married to someone else. Oh my, believe me, you wouldn’t find me for the next three weeks.”

“Not very helpful, a good three out of ten. I guess, I’ll just stick to sulking around then.” A dead smile crept up your lips following a stern look from your side at your opposite.

“Seems like a good plan, just stick to me, maybe we will find someone to take your attention away from this, huh?” A sly grin was visible on Kev’s face.

“Ughhh, of course. Let’s do this. It can’t get much worse than that”, you cleared your throat, “thanks, though. You actually make this here somewhat bearable.”

“Awww, come on. We should pack out our suitcases.”

No one can really prepare someone for a moment like this. Most older folk turned into their hotel rooms which left you in a party like situation seeing your closest friends turning it up in a huge pavilion while the future groom sits comfortably on a velvety sofa hand in hand with his fiancée.

The air was quite warm even at this time of the evening, not humid, just warm enough for everyone to taste the end of this era with nostalgia and a slight feeling of energy to experience what’s to come afterwards.

You as well sat down, continuously processing your environment. With a cup of your favorite drink, you felt invincible, nothing able to shake you down.

Now while this wasn’t a preferred environment, this was manageable; you could look your best friend into his eyes and proudly congratulate him on his wedding. You would be able to get over this and continue to be a great friend. Black hair with an intense facial expression made its way into your viewpoint along with a somewhat tipsy Kevin. Simultaneously the lighter hair of your best friend fought his way through the crowd.

Lee Sangyeon, the man lighting up your mood with simple touch of his fingertips was now signalizing for you to head outside towards the veranda of the pavilion. He exuded patience, yet clearly waiting for a response of you. You nodded and brushed cautiously over your evening attire.

“Hii, [Y/N]! Can I introduce this someone to you? This is Juyeon, he might look a bit intense, but he’s really nice to talk to! So, I’m gone for a sec then!” Kevin started drifting off into a different direction where you stopped him in his tracks.

“Could this wait? Sangyeon needs to talk to me. I think it’s important, I’ll come back though in a bit!” You gifted both of them an apologetic face and made your way around the men towards the going to be groom.

Surely it wasn’t exactly clear why he wanted to speak to you, especially on his own. He was still waiting for you after all.

“[Y/N]! What has it been? Like three? Four months? I missed you so much.”, Sangyeon pulled you into his chest abruptly and sighed softly into your shoulder. Engulfed entirely in his figure you never wanted to wake up from this again. Was it now 10 seconds? 15 seconds? Neither he nor you really seemed to let go, taking in all the scents of his that were formerly familiar to you.

“Yeah, I think so. You were probably busy planning this all and I just had to work, I guess.” Trying to keep it short was your main goal, appearing distant maybe. He didn’t mind at all though. Not discouraged from continuing this conversation Sangyeon pointed at the veranda, showing the only speck of space with little to no crowd.

The veranda was close to closed off to the party. Non distinguishable palm trees in the far distance were playing right into your cards for not having to look into his eyes. Magnetically glowing, that’s how he appeared. All happy and smiley about the obvious luck he was experiencing. Now again, he sat down with you in the beach chairs without loosing a word.

“The palm trees are so pretty. You remember me wanting to buy some new plants?”, you tried to invite him to the conversation.

“You always want to buy new plants, which time do you mean?” Sangyeon grinned to himself. “You know what? It’s so weird. Everything feels still so unreal. This wedding, also you at my wedding… So weird.”

“I am literally your best friend, where else should I be? Your funeral? At home? Who else is going to charm the hotel staff for some free capri suns and new towels?” Your mouth crinkled up and you let out a soft laugh.

“[Y/N] … You know exactly what I mean!”

“Noo, not at all. I’m so confused right now, not gonna lie.” Your face finally moved towards his direction, seeing his gentle gaze resting on you.

“Do you remember when we were still in school, and we promised each other we would marry each other if we didn’t find anybody else?” His gaze got more intense with each sentence.

“Yeahh, kind of. I was probably tired and it’s like ten years ago. I’m not really sure what you’re trying to tell me.”

“I really thought I was going to marry you. For several years, actually.”, he laughed. “I had such a crush on you and then you met your s/o and all that. Ughh, it seemed so complicated back then. Kind of weird to think about what could have happened if I did ask you out or something.”

“True.”, you turned away again standing up and resting against the wooden railing of the pavilion. “But you didn’t so, let’s just drop it there.” The weather as well started rebelling a bit, the wind hugging your figure slightly too tight for your taste.

“Why are you so cold all of a sudden?”, he whispered closely behind you.

“Well, you’re getting married tomorrow. And you’re telling me about a crush you had on me?”, you croaked.

“I was just being nostalgic, I thought this would be fine with you.” Sangyeon appeared now next to you on the railing, waiting for you to face his concerned dark eyes.

“It isn’t for me. It just feels wrong.”

“What feels so wrong about it? It was a long time ago.”

It is here, the bitterness. Bitterness shouldn’t even be the correct term, the pain of your heart going into a slump didn’t feel like a fitting word. Being reminded again that you will never have a chance again.

“Wait or is it not a long time ago for you?”, The voice of his tried to word his next sentence very carefully.

“I went out with them because I thought you were joking. Then when I thought about you, it was always different. It was too late though, you met her.” Only the close ocean along with the wind were hearable, neither you nor he were able to form another thought put into a sentence.

“You could’ve told me. I would’ve-.”

“Broken up with her?”

“No, I-.”

“Then what could you have done?”, you interrupted Sangyeon’s rambling, trembling while speaking. Terribly spiteful with a bite that wasn’t too often dripping down your lips.

“This.” Sangyeon pressed a fluttery kiss against your lips. Slender fingers tapped onto the skin right under your chin, signalizing you to look at him.

The now much calmer atmosphere made you snake your arms around his torso. Heat rose towards your head, longing after a second out in the cold again just to see his lovely facial expression. Your lips broke off and touched once more in an almost hypnotic fashion.

His hot breath started sliding downwards your cheek to your neck, physically making you unable to resist his entrancing presence. Also his hands broached over from your face down to your waist, holding you with the lightest touch.

Sangyeon’s lips darted away from yours, catching you staring deeply into his eyes. The silence felt warm now as well, filled with the slow and recovering breath of the participants.

“[Y/N], I think I still feel that way.”, a rosy blush swept over the man’s face you wanted to hear say these things so many times and so long ago.

“No. No. No. You shouldn’t! I shouldn’t either! I have to go.” The reality of the situation caught up to you. This was bad. Incredibly bad. Still the disgusting feeling of hope within this made its way up to your head. Stinging alongside the feeling of remorse, you didn’t think clearly, especially now, next to him.

You darted in the fastest way possible from the pavilion up to the hotel to your room, leaving him there.

Today should be the final day. The hopes that already should have been buried a long time ago, crawled up again and clawed its way into your mind. What if he leaves her for you today? Like in those unrealistic rom coms. Yes, again, it was unrealistic.

Leaving her at the altar and running after you. While all those thoughts of hope and wishes came together you found yourself with a stomachache. His fiancée was an incredibly nice person, sweet and kind along with being a beauty. You shouldn’t even dare to think about Sangyeon that way anymore, she deserved a lot more. Quite honestly, you felt pathetic. Who were you to run into their possible future?

Just because of a simple brush over the lips, his eyes staring into yours like no one else existed but you and his soft hands delicately touching your waist. A tap on your shoulder put you out of your trance, “[Y/N]? Can you go up to Sangyeon’s room? He asked for you.” Kevin’s eyes glanced at you with uncertainty. Neither you nor he knew why he wanted to see you.

Even more importantly, why did he need to see you alone? This seemed like dangerous territory after, basically yesterday. Agony rose again, what if he really was going to leave her?

“Sure, I don’t know why he wants to see me again though.”, you said and left to see the groom’s room. You stumbled more and more over every step closer to the door of the man who’s going to rip your heart and air out of your lungs. The normally soft laid out carpet felt in this moment like you were stepping barefoot over glass. There was the door, brightly painted in eggshell paired with the digits of the hotel room.

Before you could reach the door to knock on it, light brown waves greeted your overtly surprised face.

“You clean up well.”, Sangyeon’s rang in your ears clearer than freshly hung-up laundry in your nose. His previously concerned face curled up into a faint smile.

“Same goes for you”, you tried your best to hide the very apparent frog in your throat, “So, why do you need me?”

“Just needed to see you before going out there, I guess.”, his voice got a lot quieter. It got silent.

Not sure if a said word was necessary, you plopped down on a small, velvety stool. Every whisper was to be heard. An otherness surrounded Sangyeon, like he wasn’t there anymore, and his thoughts took over his being. You scooted closer towards him, just wanting to see him up close for the last time like this, smelling his earthy cologne from this distance.

“Why are you doing this to me?”, your voice went close to hoarse after the question. He was just as silent as before. No sound, nothing. This torment of a weekend was supposed to end with no gratification, not feeling free from this feeling on your chest? Your hand slid over his, the most desperate attempt to get his attention while also experiencing his touch again. Sangyeon jerked his hand back and returned to his absent posture.

“Why do you want to hurt me like this? I am your best friend, and you use me like I’m nothing.” The lack of power you had now made you sink down to the beige teddy carpet. Small tears started swelling up in your nearly dry eyes, kind of contradictory, yet the more tear drops rolled down your cheeks the rottener and hollow you felt.

“You were my best friend until you-.”, he stopped midsentence, “made me feel things again I didn’t need, I didn’t want.” Also his face was wet, ridden with tears making his usually calm and cheerful persona look like a painful insult.

“You asked me here. It hurts, Sangyeon. I can’t make it stop hurting, I don’t know what to do”, you reached for him again, “Could I ever be enough for you?” He returned your former attempts to stroke your face. Cornering both of you, the air trapped you in the toxins of heartbreak and hopelessness.

Once again, Sangyeon’s hand glid over your soft skin and halted on your face. Glaringly staring into each other’s eyes, you were there again. The day before, yesterday. Close to baring the soul of each person present.

“[Y/N], it’s not about being enough. It never has been. I have made a commitment I already broke, I…I can’t do this”, he sighed, “you know I love her.”

“I thought you loved me as well.” Overwhelming nothingness overruled you, almost scaring you about this reaction. You weren’t crying, yelling nor having any physical reaction at all. It was convincingly numb; the resting hurt would come later. Sangyeon’s head dropped in the dip of your shoulder and neck.

This sort of closeness would never happen again. You feeling him breathing into you while having his comforting heartbeat close to yours.

“I do, but I can’t do this to her. I would never do this to her.”, he whispered into your shoulder. A sigh came from his side.

“Then, please. Kiss me, for the last time.” The last part of the sentence left a disgustingly bitter taste in your mouth. This was over, right? His head, which was formerly resting on your shoulder, drifted up and towards yours. Also his expression blank and hollow, like he didn’t know anything.

For the last time, his hands cupped your face in a comfortable manner. As always, he felt homely, but he surely wasn’t yours ever. Not even waiting a good second or two, the light brunette’s face came closer to yours. With no hesitation both of your lips touched tenderly, releasing every sort of affection that could be expressed at that second. You inhaled again his intoxicating scent, in the hopes of having him all over you. His now reddened lips moved closer towards your jawline making you gasp for air.

Also, you weren’t completely still, constantly shifting your hands up and down over his torso upwards his neck, desperately feeling everything, you can for the last time. Sangyeon’s locks tickled you softly while he suddenly latched his mouth onto your neck right below your ear.

“No. Please, I just want a kiss on my lips.”, you said lowly, closely resembling a whine afterwards. He complied pretty quickly, leaving you with no thought but him tickling your bottom lip with his warm tongue. With him being this fast, you didn’t want to keep him on his toes. Entirely engaged in this moment, hands surprised you again on your waist, wandering closer and closer under the blouse you were wearing. You moaned into the kiss, making him take the opportunity to maneuver his tongue into your mouth.

Similarly to you, he was also stunned for a short moment when you grabbed up onto some strands of hair. A sigh left his now plump lips, a need of fresh air arrived onto both of you. Yet this was short lived, his hands captured your chin and attached his lips again onto yours in a matter of mere seconds. A bell rang, close footsteps to be heard across the floor reminding you of the situation you were in.

“Why am doing this? I am so sorry.”, you broke off his lips and took a step backwards at the door.

“[Y/N], we both did this, and it won’t happen again. We just need some time without each other. I think it would be for the best if we don’t spend time together alone anymore.”

“Are you doing what I think you’re doing? I don’t know what to say. I-.”, His lips captured yours again fast with a lot more force behind his kiss.

A strong arm shut the about to be opened door again and hovered over your head. The other one caught grabbed your chin with an almost contradictory feeling to it, the lightest touch just to shove you into his direction. You sighed into his lips, waiting for him to commit with his tongue one more time. Buttery lips pressed against yours and clang inside your mouth. Fiercely did your tongues meet, ending with him sucking on yours. Wet cheeks batting against each other with no intent of separating, your movement still came to a halt.

“You know what? I hate this. I want you to be happy, then if it is with her, I will just y’know…go or uhm mind my business.”, you slurred the last part. It wasn’t really one of your most prideful moments. Still flushed with tears and embarrassment you dropped again against the room door.

“I ask for one condition though,” incredibly hearse was your voice after the crying and even more so because of your follow up, “I do not not want to see you for some time, I don’t want to have to see your face ever again.” Tears weren’t anymore swelling up in your eyes, they never seemed to stop running down with no chance of leaving this conversation with an ounce of self-respect and pride.

It wasn’t even really much of a problem to leave him behind for a bit, it most likely would be for the best anyway, yet while his words should only leave a small mark and feel like a ripped off band aid, you felt alone. A sense of loneliness crept stealthily into you leaving you with nothing but a severe feeling of dread.

“If that is what you want, I’ll respect that.” The room got quieter till you heard the last of his words: “Of course, I still want you in on my wedding though, you’re still my best friend.” Sangyeon’s usual soft and kind smile appeared on his face, seemingly reaching you an olive branch. The former assertiveness and confidence drained through the conversation; you were nothing but a wreck.

“Alright, I’ll be there.”

The ceremony was beautiful. Fairy like flowers were hung all across the beach space, making the place more surreal than it was to begin with. Everything light with a hint of light green and an even lighter lavender tone. The air seemed to have evaporated all the tension and sadness from your face. All across the seats were relatives and friends sitting with a nervously happy face. Ironically, he really thought it was going to be you someday.

“You’re [Y/N], right? Everyone always tried to introduce me to you. Now we’re sitting next to each other at Sangyeon’s wedding together! I’m Juyeon by the way.”

[prof-peach]

i don't have a partner pokemon. all the other people my age have found theirs already, and i'm starting to feel like i'm running out of time. i've caught plenty of pokemon (released soon after, or given to people who connected with them), but i've never had that bond that makes a partner pokemon so special. how will i know when a pokemon is right for me? should i be out looking for specific pokemon or should i wait for the right one to come to me? please help! - Confused in Castelia City

buddy, let me tell you, theres no right age to find that one true partner. We often see the high energy youngsters finding their perfect pokemon, its a common thing, usually done at age 10 by SOME professors, not all mind you. We however overlook the huge demographic of trainers who bond to pokemon later in life, its an unspoken fact, that some people just take a bit more time to find the right fit, and thats not a bad thing at all. statistically kids at that 10 year age mark who get pokemon often have to rehome or give away pokemon they receive due to their lack of experience, money, time or a collection of other reasons such as health issues, housing arrangement changes, schooling changes, evolution issues. Theres a whole host of reasons, and its WAY more common for this to hit the younger generation than the slightly older. 

I personally don’t know why 10 was the chosen age, a lot of kids aren't quite ready for the huge responsibility that comes with keeping a pokemon healthy and happy, and caring for something with huge power and dangerous move sets. I don’t usually allow young kids of that age to even adopt without a VERY strong bond being shown, and proof of their knowledge and skill to care for the pokemon thats chosen them, OR a responsible family member who is able and willing to help them learn and care for the pokemon should they be an easier species to handle.  

You know who takes a lot of our pokemon? Old folks, middle ages people, those who have suffered great loss, or are feeling like then need company in what i’d deem a quite hostile and often lonely world that we exist in. Literally just this week we’ve seen a Linoon with a missing leg go to a lovely home with a young couple, neither of which had pokemon of their own, they must have been 30-ish years old. There was a Jumpluff who took a liking to an elderly lady who stopped by for her usual visit, and bonded to her eventually over the course of several interactions and a discovery of their shared interests, now they live together and keep each other company. 

I can promise you theres no such thing as “too late” to make a good friend. 

I advise you do things you truly love to do, go places you enjoy being, and see what comes up to you during this time. A pokemon is often drawn to energy that matches their own, and if you're doing things you like a lot, and they also enjoy those things, then you can start a relationship on even ground with shared interests. Catching pokemon from the wild, especially when your wandering and hunting for them means you've usually approached them, or at least intervened in their normal life, as opposed to you hanging out and waiting for them to come to you. Its starting a relationship on different premises than what you've been doing so far from the sounds of it, and I suggest giving it a good try. 

Patience is very important, rushing a friendship, or pushing a perfect match just doesn't yield effective results, but sharing food, laughing together, finding shared interests, enjoying the same songs, or that park or mall you enjoy the most, maybe swimming? a good walk or a nap in the sun? whatever it is that makes you happy, just do that stuff. Leave pokeballs at home. This process isn't about catching a pokemon, its about making a friend, and if they like you, come back, try to find them again, bring a treat, talk with them, just be an actual friend. Only when they're open to the idea should you bring up a ball and catching, its quite limiting, and not all pokemon want that kind of lifestyle, that doesn't mean they don’t like you, it just isn't a choice they may be interested in at that point in time. A good friend respects their buddies wishes, so listen to them and who knows, they may come round to it in time, or be totally open to it if they like you, and you two find common ground!

whats for you wont miss you, the right fit is out there, and i promise you, wether you find a perfect buddy at 10 or 100, they'll love you, you'll love them, thats all that matters at the end of the day. Good luck, do what you love, something will find that interesting for sure!

[drwcn]

CQL!AU: Everyone is an orphan except Wei Wuxian, and the Twin Jades are dark practitioners. Needless to say, that changes things. (canon what canon) 

Master Post

~

[1-3]

[1] Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan were the ones who died early. Wei Changze returned to Lotus Pier to become the guardian and regent of his best friend’s son and heir. 

Lotus Pier was black and white. Lifeless. 

That was the first thought that crossed Cangse Sanren’s mind when she and Wei Changze docked at the port, swords in hand, and their little son in toll. 

The people mourned. Posts were temporarily closed, the market suspended. Windows and doors of their bustling riverside town were firmly shut, with white and black drapes hanging from its sills and fluttering in the wind. 

Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan were dead. Two young cultivators, parents, taken from this world too young, gone before their time. 

“A-Ying, come child,” Cangse extended a hand to the boy who glanced around at the unfamiliar place with timid curiosity. 

“A-niang, what’s going on?” 

“No questions. You must behave yourself today.” Cangse brought her son closer to her, watching her husband’s usually smiling, gentle face pull taut into a mask that betrayed none of the grief he felt underneath. He held himself taller today, shoulders pulled back, spine rod-straight and jaws clenched. She’d forgotten, after all these wonderful years of travelling the world with their family, that this place was once his home. 

“Er’shixiong,” a man greeted them at the pier, flanked by a party of younger Jiang disciples, all appropriately garbed with white sashes around their waist. “Cangse-daozhang.” 

They had spoken in depth about returning. Cangse knew there was nothing she could do to stop him; Changze’s devotion to Jiang Fengmian ran deeper than she understood. It was never herself that Yu Ziyuan should’ve resented; though however misplaced Madam Yu’s jealousy had been, it was a moot point now.  

Chang’ge, I will not ask you to choose between your love for him and your promise to me. If Lotus Pier is where you wish to go, I will go with you. I cannot promise however that I will always stay. That — is not my nature. 

Thank you, Wumei*. I understand. 

They found Jiang Wanyin, the little lord, and his sister Jiang Yanli, in their mourning robes, kneeling and crying before their parents’ funeral altar.  

Wei Changze sunk to his knees beside them, and folded his body until his forehead hit the ground. “Shixiong,” he spoke to the spirits. “I’ve come back.” 

“Who are you?!” The boy Jiang Cheng, five-years-old and hurting, blurted out rudely through his tears. His sister held him from behind and gave a trembling nod of deference to the older man. 

“Wei-shishu.”  

Beside her, clinging to her skirt, Wei Ying looked up and asked quietly, “A-niang, are we going to stay?” 

Cangse Sanren, the favoured fifth pupil of Baoshan Sanren herself, smiled down quietly at her only child and smoothed back his hair. “Yes, A-Ying we will. Lotus Pier is home now.” 

(JC 5 yro; WWX 5 yro; JYL 8 yro)

[2] When Qingheng-jun’s respected mentor died - murdered - he made a very different choice. He turned his back on his clan and his responsibilities, and escaped into the wild with the woman he loved. They were just an ordinary family, living away from the chaos in a paradise of their own. But even Eden eventually falls, and nothing gold ever stays... 

Take A-Huan and A-Zhan and go! Do not stop until you are safe. Do not turn around. Do not come back. 

Shijie! You’re injured! Let me help you - 

Zhao Ming! Zhao Zhuliu, you listen to me: their names, Lan Xichen for the older, and Lan Wangji for the younger. It’s what their father and I wanted for them. 

Shijie - jiejie - 

Now go! Go! 

A-Niang, come with us! A-Niang, don’t go!! A-Niang!!! 

The forest burned like the autumn sun at dusk descending from the sky, red and golden and glorious. A single figure stood amongst the flames, corpses littered at her feet. Bichen fell from her grip, barely making a sound as it landed against dampened earth, soaked with Lan blood.  Those who fought her were dead, but she feared that she did not have long either.

“Rong-gege,” Qiu Baiti collapsed onto her hands and dragged her body towards the man who lay still amongst the carnage, arrows piercing his front, his sword Shuoyue still clutched tight in his left hand. 

Lifeless eyes remained open, as though he could not rest. 

“Rong-gege,” Baiti called helplessly, crawling to him and laying her head down against his chest. There used to be a heartbeat there, and if she closed her eyes, she could almost hear it again. “Wait, don’t go without me...” 

She was so tired and bled from so many places. It was not until a sharp cry and a familiar face descended from the sky that Qiu Baiti realized the inferno which surrounded her was not yet hell. 

"Qiu-jiejie!" Cangse rushed forth, almost tripping over the corpse of a dead Lan disciple in her haste. “Lan-da’ge, he -” A horrified gasp drowned the rest of her words. 

“Cangse...you’re here...” 

Cangse gathered her bosom sister into her arms and immediately drew upon a torrent of spiritual energy from her core, channeling them into her fingertips to heal her friend. She could tell that whatever combat Qiu Baiti had been through, it had already taken the little life inside her, and now hers was following it to the other side.   

“Hold on, I can save you - hold on -”

“Cangse - Cang - stop, it’s too late.” Qiu Baiti lay limp there.  

Death, it drew near, but she was ready. She closed her eyes as a slip of tear escaped beneath her lashes. "I did this to him, to all of them... if I hadn't...it’s all my fault. I was the one they wanted; he was just trying to protect me. A-Huan, A-Zhan...."

Trembling and in near hysterics, Cangse sobbed, “No, don’t say that! Where are the boys?” 

“Safe. A-Ming has them...you mustn’t tell anyone. Not anyone, promise me. Not even Lan Qiren. Especially Lan Qiren... Rong-gege trusts his brother, but I - I - promise me - promise -” Qiu Baiti gasped for breath, gurgling blood in her throat with each laboured attempt. 

“Qiu-jiejie, please - don’t - I - I promise.” 

“Good...Cangse...” Qiu Baiti clutched her hand and smiled, a crimson wound cutting across her pale, beautiful face. “Good.” 

And then she died, with the red of the forest flames still in her eyes. 

Cangse held her friend - dear, damned, dead - and allowed a scream to tear through herself. From the depth of her grief, she released a pulse of unrestrained spiritual energy that rippled through the dense woods as though the storm of her anguish could not be contained. And like a measly candle-light assaulted by the winter wind, the forest fire was extinguished in an instant. 

The sun was gone, and the night was dark.  All was quiet, but there was no peace to be found. 

 Cangse buried Lan Cenrong and Qiu Baiti in two unmarked graves side by side beneath a tall oak tree. She sifted through the bodies and the grime and collected the spiritual weapons they left behind — Shuoyue, Bichen, Liebing (cracked in two places) and the strings of Qiu Baiti’s shattered guqin — and stored them away in her qiankun pouch. She hoped one day that she would find Zhao Zhuliu and the sons Lan Cenrong and Qiu Baiti had left behind, and return these items to their rightful owners. 

It was not until three years later, not too far from her shifu Baoshan’s sacred temple nestled in the snowy mountain peak, where Jiang Yanli had been brought to strengthen her health and train as Cangse’s direct disciple, that Cangse perchance came across Zhao Ming again. 

He was accompanied by two youngsters, two beautiful jade-like children who called him jiufu. Cangse was not surprised in the least to find that both of them have learned the technique for which their mother and jiujiu were hunted: the core-melting hand. 

(LXC 9, LWJ 6 -> LXC 12, LWJ 9 ) 

[3] They called her “The Little Queen”. Wen Qing never wanted to be Sect Master, or Deputy Sect Master, or Regent Sect Master. She just wanted to live quietly with A-Ning and Wen-popo and study the art of healing that her parents practiced. But alas, life had other plans. 

Wen Qing was a month short of her tenth birthday when her life changed forever. 

Wen Ruohan, her father’s older cousin, who’d always been close with her family, had come to visit Dafan. Wen-bobo didn’t have siblings, and her father Wen Ruotian was as close as a brother to him, more than any other Wen descendent of their time. 

Wen Qing liked Wen Ruohan well. He was doting and found her intelligent. Her parents chose the simple village life, but they often spent New Years and holy days at Nevernight at Sect Master Wen’s behest and invitation.  

When Wen Ruohan came to Dafan and told her folks that there was a piece of the Yin Iron inside the Stone Fairy, her father had been eager to help, though weary he was of those powers he could not understand. 

He’d been right to be afraid. 

The extraction had gone horribly wrong, and the rebound of dark energy had eviscerated all those near by, her mother, her father, and Wen Ruohan himself. It was by the skin of her teeth that Wen Qing managed to yank her baby brother Wen Ning out of the way. Then, without thinking, she caught the vile, wretched thing as it sailed through the air. It landed in the palm of her hands, and there she stood, regarded with fear and bewonderment from all those in witness as the cursed item, which burned the life out of cultivators much older and seasoned than her, quieted in her small hands. 

The Elders said she had...a nature affinity. For what, they could not say. 

Wen Qing was brought back to Nevernight and given the name Yuefan: to exceed mortality. Within days, the heavy crown of Sect Master of Qishan Wen was placed on her head. 

It was then that she learned that her Wen-bobo, with no inclination to marry and bind himself to another, did not leave behind a legitimate heir. His young sons, 4-year old Wen Xu and 2 year-old Wen Chao were born to him by women of ill repute.  They were kind, good boys, but they were infantile and illegitimate. Wen Qing felt for them, but she could not change their fate. So for the time being, she accepted what she had to. 

The adults did what they could for her, but there was no one in the cold, vast palace of Nevernight to mind her or nurture her. She stood alone upon the towers where the eternal flames, fuelled by Qishan Wen’s combined spiritual energy, burned in their iron brazier, and watched over the lush volcanic mountain range that was hers to govern and protect. Those beneath her - servants, disciples - feared her and her unknown powers. Those advising her - Elders, mentors - had their own agendas. In any case, they stopped seeing her as a child the minute she held the Yin Iron in her hands and lived to tell the tale. 

It was a secret, they told her. She must guard it well. 

The Chief Cultivator Jin Guangshan sent his ambassadors to congratulate her succession. Gusu’s Lan Qiren and Qinghe’s Nie Heqiu both arrived consecutively to pay their respects to their ten-year-old colleague and fellow Sect Master. 

There was a momentary rumble amongst the Wen Elders about whether Nie Heqiu’s older son Nie Mingjue would be a good match for her someday, but as he too was set to inherit, the idea was put aside as quickly as it was brought up. 

Then came Yunmeng’s regent Wei Changze, bringing along an entourage of Jiang disciples and a boy one year her junior, the son he conceived with the revered Cangse Sanren. 

Wei Wuxian. 

Wen Qing liked him enough. He was spontaneous, agreeable, and clever, and he found her aloofness fun to provoke. They would’ve both been satisfied with the arrangement had she not met Yunmeng Jiang’s young Jiang-zongzhu some years later, and had he not crossed paths with the vengeful and infamous Lan Wangji. 

But life, as the gods have planned it, must have its mysteries. 

(WQ 10, WWX 9) 

TBH?  

Note: 

Wumei - fifth sister, Wei Changze’s nickname for Cangse. 

Details of Cangse and Wei Changze’s name as well as Qingheng-jun and Madam Lan’s name can be found here .

jiufu 舅父 - maternal uncle, formal.  

[forlove2020]

Day 2 - No Vacancy

It is the last day of November and no one wants to buy any more pumpkins. 

Halloween has gone by, and Thanksgiving has blown past too. The people of Lebanon, Kansas have had their fill of the bright orange gourds - for more than two months they've displayed them on their front porches, carved them into jack-o-lanterns, and added them into every kind of dessert and frothy little drink imaginable.

And that is why, on November 30th, Dean decides his family is going on a field trip to the Lebanon Corn Maze and Pumpkin Patch.

Things have been good lately. No, scratch that. Life has been freakin' awesome. It has been just under two weeks since he rescued Cas from the Empty and a week since Jack came home. Dean is over the moon; radiating happiness in a way he never has before. They're all together, alive, and no Big Bad hovers menacingly on the horizon. Dean's not one to believe in a 'best case scenario,' but hell if this doesn't feel just like it.

The farm is about a twenty-five minute drive from the Bunker, and Dean, Cas, and Jack pull up in the Impala at the same time as Sam and Eileen arrive in Sam's CR-V. 

(Dean had teased him mercilessly about his new ride until Sam looked him dead in the eye, placing his hand protectively on Eileen's protruding belly, and insisted "Honda gets really good safety ratings, Dean." Dean, wisely, had shut up after that.)

Claire and Kaia are already there waiting, leaning up against Claire’s car, hand in hand. Jack leaps out of Baby as soon as Dean puts her in park, barreling toward the girls so he can nag Claire about his latest obsession: TikTok. Even from a distance it’s clear she’s rolling her eyes at him, but smiling despite herself

Dean and Cas get out of the car at a more leisurely pace and survey their surroundings.

What had been a busy festival complete with a lush corn maze, vibrant pumpkin patch, and stalls selling kettle corn and caramel apples two months ago is now a dismal scene. The corn maze has dried out and shriveled up, and the stalls are unmanned. Technically, there are still pumpkins aplenty in the field, but they're the ones that have been forsaken. The remaining pumpkins are leftovers that were considered either too skinny, too fat, or just too misshapen and lumpy to have been picked as the cream-of-the-crop.

Dean looks over at Cas. He’s squinting at the scenery in the dim autumn sunlight, and the nippy breeze has swept through his dark hair, making it seem more tousled than usual. Not for the first time, Dean thinks that he is gorgeous.

But now, he can actually tell Cas what he is feeling in these moments. There are no more half-truths or lies between them, nothing secret. After years of pining for one another without any hope of reciprocation and hiding the pains of longing, they’ve finally broken down the walls that kept them apart. They love one another fiercely, and while their relationship is new, it is not tenuous. 

So, Dean turns to him with a crooked grin.  “Hey, handsome.”

Cas blinks, and then a little smile curls the corners of his mouth. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean moves closer until their shoulders are brushing and he can feel the warmth of Cas’ body through both of their jackets. “You think Jack’s gonna be disappointed?” he asks quietly, watching their kid practically tackle Sam with a hug as Eileen signs something Dean can’t quite make out from the other end of the parking lot. “I mean, this isn’t exactly the ‘autumn glory’ we were promised on those fliers earlier this month.”

Cas doesn’t even hesitate. “No. I think Jack just appreciates having a normal...uh, sort of a normal life again. He’s excited to be here picking pumpkins, especially with Claire and Kaia, and Sam and Eileen joining us. This was a nice surprise you planned for him, Dean.”

It’s a simple compliment, and not even particularly saccharine, but Dean flushes from head to toe anyway. He’s working on believing the good things Cas says about him; he’s really trying, but it’s always been difficult for him to take a compliment about anything other than his good looks or hunting prowess. Instead, he meets Cas’ eye, and nods silently. And then, remembering he is allowed, takes Cas’ hand in his own, twining their fingers together.

They walk hand-in-hand to join Claire, Kaia, Jack, Sam and Eileen at the front gate. It’s hanging wide open, and no one is standing there to charge them an entrance fee. However, the sign does make a point to state that the maze is open until December 1st. Eileen shrugs, and so the seven of them wander down the path towards the pumpkin patch and the entrance to the maze. 

“Kaia! I’ll race you to the end!” Jack shouts, and laughing, Kaia chases him into the maze, dragging a grumbling Claire along behind her. 

“Let’s see if we can find anybody still working,” Sam suggests.

Eileen points at a worn down farmhouse tucked mostly behind a newly-painted red barn. “Someone must be home,” she signs pointedly, gesturing to plumes of smoke exuding from a grey chimney stack.

Dean ends up knocking on the door. He leaves Sam, Eileen, and Cas at a nearby picnic table, debating in Sign Language about the best flavor of cotton candy and whether or not the color of the dye changes the taste. 

 A minute or two later, an older man swings open the squeaky screen door to the house. He’s scowling, wearing muddy overalls, and chewing on a thick cigar. “Yeah?” he asks shortly. “Whaddya want?”

Dean raises his eyebrows at the farmer’s bluntness, but manages to respond politely. “My family and I saw fliers for this place a few weeks ago. We were hoping to buy some pumpkins and candy apples. What are you charging”

The farmer’s scowl grows deeper, and he looks past Dean to Sam, Eileen, and Cas relaxing on the bench, then narrows his eyes at the corn maze, where shrieks of laughter can be heard as the younger adults chase one another through the thinning stalks.

Getting impatient, with the man’s surly silence, Dean prods, “And…? It’s a yes or no question. Are you still selling pumpkins?”

The old man pulls the cigar out from between his teeth. “My wife and daughter run this hokey shit,” he grunts. “They went into town today ‘cause folks already came through here earlier in the month. They like customers. We haven't had anybody else stop by since before Thanksgiving.”

As his temper flares, Dean turns his grit teeth into a sharp smile. “Well, then it’s your lucky day! Here we are,” he says mockingly, sweeping his arms wide. The farmer mumbles something insulting and covers it with a hacking cough. Dean pretends not to hear him, “Fine. I take it from your sunny attitude that there will be no popcorn or apples today?” 

The man scoffs, “Enjoy the maze, boy-o. Free of charge.” He turns to lumber back inside, but Dean grabs the screen door before he can try to disappear.

“Hey!” the hunter barks. The farmer pauses, his body tensing for a fight. “Are you gonna sell me the goddamn pumpkins or not?” 

Cas has wandered to his side, either noticing the commotion, or simply because he wanted to be closer to Dean. Now, he interrupts casually, “You still have quite a few squash left in the fields and there’s going to be heavy frost two days from now, overnight. It’d be a shame if all of these pumpkins rotted, and you wasted the rest of your harvest.”

He has, quite deftly, snared the salty old farmer’s attention. Money is the man’s language; he might not enjoy having customers on his property so late in the season, but he certainly likes having the funds to maintain his land.

****************************************

“A hundred.”

“A hundred?” Sam sounds insulted. “You’re gonna pitch all of these in a couple days. There’s no way we’re paying a hundred. Try twenty-five dollars.”

The farmer rolls his eyes dramatically. He is in his element; the thrill of making a good deal and bartering his wares on the last day is an unexpected but welcome surprise that has put him in high spirits. “You’re cute, kid. I know my produce is worth more than that. I’ll go down to eighty-five, and you can take whatever you can carry in one trip.”

“Thirty-five,” Sam shoots back.

“Eighty.”

“Forty-one.” Once, Sam was going to be a lawyer. He’s got the upper hand in this situation and he’s going to crush his opposition. One more price reduction and they’ll have dozens of pumpkins to take home, way below the original asking price.

“Sevent…”

“Sixty-five, and we fill up all of our cars,” Dean interrupts, and Sam looks at him, utterly betrayed as the gleeful farmer shakes on the deal.

As Cas, Jack, Claire, and Kaia help carry the pumpkins to Sam and Claire’s cars respectively, Dean just claps Sam on the shoulder and tells his brother, “It’s still a cheaper family outing than going to Disney.” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Sam says mournfully, and sulks over to help Eileen, who is supervising the influx of pumpkins that are being loaded into their vehicle.

Dean chuckles, and scoops up a few pumpkins. He’s got some recipes he wants to try out, plus he’s excited to teach Jack to carve ‘Jack’-o-lanterns. The kid seemed to want to learn how to do everything the human way now, and Dean is more than happy to teach him.

One by one, Dean places eight pumpkins in the backseat of Baby. One is tall and oblong with lots of stringy stems, matched with the only short and well rounded pumpkin he sees in the field. Between those two he sets a teeny tiny baby-sized pumpkin. Then, there’s a pumpkin that is half-green half-orange. It seems like it must have grown too fast because it is still quite young despite its size. Next, he adds two medium pumpkins that are also young, but growing strong. And last but not least, he picks up two more pumpkins. They are both a bit damaged - one is bruised and discolored, the other looks like it might have grown sideways. But Dean picks them because they lean against one another in the field, steady despite their flaws, despite what they’ve been through. 

He sets them all up in a long line along the backseat, and when Cas sees what he chose, his eyes go soft and warm as he looks at Dean.

“Let’s go home,” he breathes out, and takes Dean’s hand again.

Everyone gets in their cars - Dean in the driver's seat and Cas taking shotgun, as before. Jack tries to get in the Impala, then looks in the back window, and starts laughing. 

“Dean! There’s nowhere for me to sit.”

Cas chuckles quietly beside him, as Dean grins. “Aw, tough break, kid. Guess you’re walking home.”

“Hey, no fair- Dean! C’mon! Cas! Tell Dean he has to -”

Dean starts to roll up the window, laughing loudly as Jack knocks on the window pane.

“Sorry! No vacancy!” he hollers. Jack is nearly doubled over, hilarity spilling from him in peals of laughter.

Claire honks her horn loudly, and throws open the back door to her car. Jack straightens, and scrambles to join her and Kaia, shooting Dean and Cas a bright wave goodbye.

Sam and Eileen also wave as they leave the parking lot, wheels sending gravel spinning in their wake. Claire and Kaia follow, and Jack rolls down the window as they pass, and calls across to Cas and Dean, “This was the best family trip ever!”

They too are soon gone, headed for the Bunker to drop off dozens of pumpkins which will decorate every room until they end up decaying or until Dean cooks them. 

Dean and Cas wait until the others have left, and then Dean leans over and kisses Cas, long and sweet. When he pulls back, Cas traces his cheek, and says thoughtfully, “We could take the backroads home today….”

Dean is so gone on him. He kisses Cas once, twice more, and then puts the Impala in drive, and they’re on the road, taking the long way home.

**********************************

I enjoyed adding a little Day 1 ‘Harvest’ flare to Day 2!

My goal is to make most of my Suptober fics one-shots that are in some way related to my multichapter fix-it that is still a work in progress (Dean/Cas, Sam/Eileen, etc, post 15x20).

Thank you for reading!

-V

[ms-demeanor]

You know what’s funny is whenever I make a tech post I get people going “this is blatantly untrue” and I get people going “this is really good information and everyone needs to know it” and the dividing line is how much time you spend with people who are tech literate.

Yep, I would tell my computer savvy friends where they could get keycaps and fix their keyboards; I don’t even have to bother telling my computer savvy friends how to run a fifteen year old laptop because we’re all pretty good at it.

But GODDAMN I just read a response to my “cheap computer season” post that claimed that it was totally reasonable to run a macbook from 2010 and

Look.

That’s not a reasonable thing to tell a student who needs a functional computer to do research and write papers. (have fun trying to find installation discs from when the OS was still named after cats and have fun trying to get a browser to get along with that OS)

You know why most people bring me laptops with missing keys? Because the key got ripped off by their two-year-old and damaged the soldering in the keyboard and I have no idea it’s going to be “oh, yeah, that’s a ten dollar fix” or “sorry, that’s going to be an hour and a half to disassemble and reassemble and we’ll have to order you a new keyboard specific to that model out of new old stock” and the thing is the second one is much, much, much more common in my experience than the first.

Do I think you need to replace a laptop when the bezel is cracked? No. I also don’t carry my laptop powered on in the bag with a flashdrive sticking out of the USB port. Customers do weird things that I don’t understand and when a customer tells me they want me to fix the bezel they think it’s a twenty-dollar snap-on repair because they have no idea how this works and then they get mad at me when I explain “no, you’ve gotta have this specific piece of plastic, these haven’t been made in five years, and you might be better off buying a used model online than trying to track down a new bezel.”

So here’s the thing: Can Macs get viruses?

There are three answers here.

“No, of course not, Macs are made to be virus-proof”

“Macs need antivirus protection because, while it is less common than infections for PCs, there are types of malware that can infect macs and it’s worthwhile to guard against that”

“tEcHnIcAlLy a virus has to be self-replicating and IOS’s file management system [or some other bullshit] prevents that so TECHNICALLY Macs can’t get viruses and what you need is anti-malware software if you need anything because you’re fairly likely to have security through obscurity”

I’m aware of the third position and voicing the second position to people who believe the first position.

YES TECHNICALLY YOU CAN KEEP A COMPUTER RUNNING INDEFINITELY AND YES IT’S TOTALLY POSSIBLE YOUR LAPTOP WILL LAST TEN YEARS.

“Well if you treat it right and run it well it’ll be in great shape for a long time”

YES THAT IS CORRECT DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE WHO DON’T WORK ON THEIR OWN CARS DRIVE AROUND WITH THE OIL CHANGE LIGHT ON FOR MONTHS?!?

Tons of people in the world today use computers. They use computers every day, they use computers at home and at school and at work.

Tons of people drive every day. They use cars for fun and for commuting and for their jobs.

That doesn’t mean that all (or even most, or even half) of the people using these things is any good at keeping them running, or even has the barest idea of how to start tracking down a problem.

Someone in the notes of that post described a green line on their screen and thought that was a symptom of hard drive problems. I don’t have the hours in the day to catch this person up to speed on why a display issue on a laptop isn’t indicative of hard drive issues.

Do you know how much people think it’s going to cost to get data off of a broken drive? Not “won’t power up” not “won’t spin” but “I dropped this and part fell off and now it won’t power up or spin and also the platter is chipped”? I’m going to have to send that shit to a clean room and the customer is *staggered* that it might cost more than a hundred dollars to get their data. “Outrageous, what kind of blackmail operation are you trying to run here, just plug it in and get my pictures.”

A year or so ago I was at Jiffy Lube (ew). I’d been shooting the shit with the mechanic when a parent and child rolled in in a panic. And they should have been panicking! They’d thrown a fucking rod because they’d been driving with no oil in the car for god knows how long because neither of them had had the oil changed in the two years they’d owned the vehicle.

*I* can keep a 30-year-old car running. I can put a belt back on an engine in a dark parking lot with a wrench and a headlamp. I can drop a gas tank and replace my fuel filter and thumb my nose at the mechanics who tried to upsell me on “replacing your old, worn-out air filter” the day after I’d popped a new one into my truck.

These folks couldn’t keep a new car running with three alarms telling them what was wrong.

*I* can power up my 2005 macbook running Leopard and use garage band to record a song or do some design work on my copy of Adobe CS3; I can kludge its FF3.5 browser into playing nice with the internet and accept that it’s going to be a slow piece of shit.

The lady who called me confused by the fact that the password to her email was different than the login information for her grocery store rewards account will not be able to function if she gets a pop-up that says she’s using an outdated browser and will think it’s a virus if her bank won’t let her log in on that browser.

And you know what, I’m kind of sick of this attitude.

I would *fucking adore it* if computers were actually easy to repair; I’d love it if you could run new OSs on old hardware (especially on macs because I think apple are kind of shitheads about planned obsolescence).

But you know what, no, most people *CAN’T* reasonably expect to use a ten-year-old computer and have pleasant experience of it. It’s going to run slow. It’s going to shut down when they don’t want it to. The battery is going to swell slightly with the heat and your touchpad is going to go nuts. Your USB ports will stop working. Standard wear and tear that most people don’t know how to protect against and don’t know how to repair is going to make it harder to use AND software requirements will outstrip the hardware capabilities of the computer.

If your old computer sucks it’s not your fault. If you can’t happily use a 10-year-old laptop to do your homework that’s okay, it wasn’t designed for you to use it that way and YOU SHOULDN’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

Because that’s kind of what a lot of these “well anybody should realistically be able to run a laptop from 2010″ responses comes down to: if you need new hardware you’re just not doing it right. If you have to replace your computer you didn’t make good choices when you bought it. If your battery dies it’s because you didn’t take care of it.

No. No. No. No.

This shit is A) designed to fail and B) actually really hard to keep running (hey how many blown capacitors do you think someone has to have on their motherboard before you say it’s not their fault for wanting to replace the laptop)

ALSO SOMEONE IN THE RESPONSES OF THAT POST LITERALLY SAID THAT IF YOUR BATTERY DIED AT THREE YEARS IT WAS BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T DOING THE DRAIN CHARGE CYCLE RIGHT AND FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. It’s discharge cycles and heat, motherfucker; they are going to fail at some point and people shouldn’t feel bad if their batteries stop working after a couple years.

UGH.

You shouldn’t have to be a mechanic. You shouldn’t have to be a computer technician. Yeah, your shit will last longer if you know how to take care of it but, fuck. Imagine you were still using internet speeds from 2010. Imagine all your devices still had USB 2.0. Imagine you couldn’t log onto your online bank because your hardware won’t run he software that your bank recognizes because the hardware manufacturer decided it won’t support the older hardware.

What I was trying to get across in that initial post was “computers fail, and they fail pretty frequently; your life will be better and you will save money if you plan on replacing them at a regular interval and have reasonable expectations in terms of cost and failure. So buy a cheap computer now because you’re probably going to need one at some point”

And now I’ve got to Do A Yell about how there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism and it’s unreasonable to expect tired, overworked, broke people to become experts in computer repair in order to do their homework or play the goose game.

FUCK THAT.

IT’S CHEAP COMPUTER SEASON MOTHERFUCKERS. LAPTOP FAILURE RATES INCREASE AT THREE TO FIVE YEARS AND DESKTOP FAILURE RATES INCREASE AT FIVE TO SEVEN YEARS. RIGHT NOW THERE ARE DISCOUNTS ON NEW COMPUTERS AND IT’S CHEAP TO GET AN EXTENDED WARRANTY.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER AND WORK ON COMPUTERS IF YOU WANNA AND PLAN TO REPLACE REGULARLY IF YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK ON COMPUTERS.

ALSO CHANGE YOUR FUCKING OIL YOU’RE PROBABLY DUE.